#why am i relapsing????

[lydleaves]

i keep being like why does my stomach hurt and then i remember its bc i'm DUMB

[fucklife101]

No one understands how much I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much I can’t even look on the mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted. I want to die.

[bloodycorpz3]

TW: massive binge ( warning, it's not pretty )

Breakfast: oatmeal (150), chocolate chips(40), one banana (105)

Total: 295

"Snack": Dairy Queen Reese extreme blizzard (1520)

Total 1,815

"Snack" pt 2: two bags of skinny popcorn (200)

Total: 2,015

Lunch: New York fries, pulled pork with aioli (160)(1640)

Total: 3,815

"Dinner": Three slices of cheese cake (735)

Total: 4,550cals

Yikes. This is literally my biggest binge. Don't be like me, it's not worth it.

[putridement]

lord,

i beg you to give me the strength to unalive myself.

[apollos-boyfriend]

yknow in retrospect building a dungeon/prison when you yourself have extreme unresolved traumas with that very environment has probably been qcelbit’s dumbest idea to date. which is saying something because he has had a Lot of dumb ones

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[dylanlila]

my hot take is that cuddy doesn't break up with house for the lame out of character reasons the show is selling. she breaks up with him because he tells her he loves her more than being a doctor. and he also tells her she's worth it. and she thinks it's selfish to be with him if it means standing in the way of all these people he would've saved otherwise. and she has always loved him for this very thing that made him almost monstrous, though equally brilliant, to everyone else. which is who he is as a doctor. obviously this is ridiculous because one of the points house m.d. is making (in my head at least) is that being a doctor doesn't stand in the way of your personal life. it's you thinking that it does which ends up fucking everything up. hope this helps.

[littlest-bugz]

Relapsing is a part of healing

[one systems perspective on relapsing during Resolution/late stage DID recovery.]

This post has been cooking in my drafts for a while, but since I'm back in a headspace where I would consider myself back in Resolution, I'm comfortable talking about this. I'm airing out my dirty laundry quite a bit in this post, but the reason I'm making this post is because of the fact I don't see many late stage recovery systems talk about relapsing back into dissociation and other CDD symptoms. I'm here to say it's totally okay and a part of healing. I don't know who needs to hear that, but I definitely did. I didn't hear it until i was in therapy.

A couple of months ago [when I was initially writing this post], I went through a series of traumatic events, including little over 3 weeks of reoccurring flashbacks due to a re-traumatizing situation. I have lovingly dubbed it 'the three weeks of hell'. There was more than just that, including 2 explosive breakdowns, where I just couldn't handle all the input I was getting with what all was going on. I was a whole wreck for a moment there, that's for sure. THANKFULLY, we only split off a one new alter after everything, which is healing progress, but it meant an increase in blackout amnesia in our day to day life, let alone the dissociation it was causing the system as a whole, nearly putting us back at step one of recovery.

The moment I noticed the blackout amnesia and increase in DID symptoms, I started thinking I had ruined any progress I could've possibly made. It felt like I had taken ten steps forward and then tumbled down the stairs. I never got to process the trauma as it just began to pile on, and eventually I popped in probably the worst explosive breakdown I've EVER had- my fight or flight kicked in and for gods know what reason, my brain chose fight. But that breakdown had solidified that 'fuck, I'm getting worse again' mentality I had going on. Everyone I knew seemed to 'keep it together' during rough times, so why couldn't I?

So that brought me to this post.

I wondered why I don't see talk of relapse in Late Stage Recovery spaces, let alone general CDD spaces. I figure, in my mind, that it's because it just isn't talked about. At least, not frequently. In the space I have curated for myself, I see a lot of fellow late stage recovery systems and finally fused systems, but everyone seems to not have relapsed at any point. Granted, this is the internet, and people show what they want others to see, but I felt ashamed for a good while that I had relapsed back into the amnesiac aspects of my dissociation. I didn't feel like I could call the stage of healing I am in 'late stage recovery'. But that's just. not true. I still am. My healing is ongoing, and I was able to resolve it.

In recovery for many disorders, relapses are, inherently, a part of the process of healing. Symptoms resurfacing is, to some extent, part of healing. Everyone is bound to have slip ups and rough times, and if your go to coping mechanism is dissociation [in CDDs cases], it's possible that you might slip back into those maladaptive mechanisms due to the stress of life happenings, but that's okay. What is needed is to learn the proper coping skills to deal with that stress, but it can be extremely hard to unlearn maladaptive coping skills and make turning towards healthy ones a default. Relapsing gives you the time to reinforce and build up what skills you do have.

When the three weeks of hell was occurring, I didn't exactly have the coping skills necessary to keep on with life, and any I did have, they were not 'automatic' enough. On top of that, my therapist was conveniently out of office for those three weeks. It did give me the time to make my skills stronger. Of course, I felt terrible about it but Relapsing is okay. As long as you learn how to deal with the stress and trauma, that's what matters. I'm still learning how to properly cope with everything that happened during those weeks, to be blunt, but I have gained a grasp on Resolution pretty quickly afterwards. I don't think it would've been possible to recover so easily had I not been in late stage recovery, and like I said before, it helped reinforce my coping skill box, making them stronger and much easier to recall. I definitely would say that relapsing was a part of my healing. Didn't feel good, but it became a huge factor in how we cope day to day.

TLDR; Relapsing during Resolution [Functional Multiplicity/Final fusion] is a part of recovery itself.

[shannonsketches]

lays on the floor do you guys ever think about how in ResF Bulma falls for Vegeta's fake-out with Freeza and both she and Yamcha are worried about Vegeta's villain fake-out strategy in Champa and Beerus' mini tournament and how it's only been a couple of years since the Buu saga and how Vegeta straight up stopped using that strategy after that tournament

[dirtyrippedjeans]

why does nobody choose to stay?

is there something so wrong with me? 🥺

[fucklife101]

I am so disgusting.

[bijoumikhawal]

a lot of the talk about Bushnell is reminding me of my "the "mentally ill" have their right to violence revoked" thing again

like. When you're deemed mentally ill, suddenly you must stress how you are more likely to be a victim of violence than a perpetrator to be deemed as human. Because any violence you commit, as a crazy person, is bad. It cannot carry rationale, because you are crazy. If I, as an autistic person, hit someone who was hurting me and got in legal trouble, I can be referred to as just "crazy" instead of as a victim responding to an aggressor. It's an underdiscussed area of dehumanization.

And that's before we talk about intersectionality, and before we talk about how this factors into the idea of ODD, and the "violent" responses patients have to doctors (including those who simply aren't white, and those forced on meds that hurt them, and those resisting sexual assault, and-).

But this is not just interpersonally political, it is political at scale. Black men were targeted by schizophrenia diagnoses during the Civil Rights era (and this is also around when schizophrenia became a "scary" illness). The crazy cannot have valid political criticisms, as a movement (remember that being "crazy" is a vector of oppression abd marginalization) or as individuals in other movements.

Ive seen both the sentiment of "oh Aaron is gonna be slandered as crazy" and exactly what the sentiment warns of- "we can't valorize suicide from the mentally ill". And the first isn't wrong, because society at large does view the "crazy" as lacking political agency, but it's lacking.

Bushnell had been trying very hard to get out of his military contract without being imprisoned at best, while witnessing genocide and knowing he was complicit. He may not have had clinical depression normally, but that would inspire a mental rational response of situational depression (and yes, mental health issues can be a rational response to horrible circumstances). Further, I know of instances of self immolation that WERE done by people who did have long standing mental health issues and were done to protest the treatment they'd experienced that caused them and that resulted from their existence. Mental illness and divergence from the norm is more complicated than just "these people are incapable of rationality, they are incapable of political thought, and they are incapable of agency".

[blessedangelofdeath]

School just started a few days ago and i was so exited to see this one boy who i have had a thing for since the whole of last year because he was my partner for our school ball. I had been thinking about him the whole summer even though i really tried not to

Turns out he has a girlfriend now and im absolutely shattered. I was playfully teasing him and he just suddenly went "this is probably a good moment to tell you that I have a gf" and it felt like a slap to my face, i was literally so shook i stuggled to think straight and had a hard time speaking to him when he changed the subject of the conversation. When he was out of my sight i had to sit down

I feel like a total fool. Like literally the song lyrics "always the fool with the slowest heart" was playing in my head on repeat the entire time i tried to process this whole thing. Im a fool. Now im wondering if he was giving me mixed signals or if i was just completely blind to the fact that he did not like me the same way i liked him

It just breaks me that i was not enough. He was the first boy who i've been this close with. He is very kind and polite, i dont know if i will find anyone better.

He has become more confident now that he has a gf, while i have lost all my confidence.

One good thing i got from this is that i have completely lost all my appetite ☺️

[endlessmidnights]

My anxiety has made me paranoid, I can’t here laughter, whispering, plain talking, I can’t see texting, I can’t do anything without thinking I’m being made fun of or talked about in some way

[yuridovewing]

oh also im kinda disinterested in her tbh but im This Close to making sleekwhisker a sympathetic antagonist actually with all the people insisting female wc villains should have no depth for some reason

[liesmultixxx]

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