autisticmind

[autisticmind]

Diverse =/= Ulterior Motive(s)

Let's be clear: someone who's *really* trying to manipulate or use or just get something from you isn't going to limit themselves to monetary means of persuasion or be consistent with it for years and years for EVERYONE else they remotely care about too, in all likelihood.

So, simply because it's atypical (or monetary) doesn't automatically mean it's manipulation (the definition of which, for me, includes intent). Neurodivergent and autistic people in particular tend to show genuine affection in different ways, but I've found that *some* people will assume it isn't genuine because the presentation of affection is unusual or the gesture itself is unusual, or unfamiliar to them.

Neurodivergent people are more likely to under or overperform in these areas, which can be off-putting for those unused to such expressions or lack thereof— however, it is "normal" for them, and may not mean what you think it does.

Consider whether they do the same thing with others, and whether the amount they are giving is consistent with the amount they give others who have a similar relationship with them, rather than if the amount is "normal"— abnormal does NOT equate to bad intentions or meaning, and discussing rather than assuming saves everyone a lot of grief.

"Manipulation requires intent."

Meaning, the vast majority of autistic people are not manipulating you, and have no idea you assume this or why you might.

[autisticmind]

The truth is, I have always been a good, kind, understanding, considerate person at heart— the trouble is, people can't always understand or recognize my heart, or interpret it correctly, as I actually mean.

Sometimes people don't let me (or themselves) understand, either don't communicate or communicate honestly, don't explain anything to me or let me explain myself, my meaning to them.

And sometimes I have to consider myself as well, and some people find that inconsiderate or harmful to them in some way, one way or another.

So they assume the worst, when I generally mean the best (even though it isn't always)— they do not try to understand themselves; they assume they are already correct and there is nothing more for them to understand.

But when you assume, you don't actually know, and you miss out on knowing and acknowledging the truth.

[autisticmind]

Maybe I need a sticker that reminds me to see how I feel about something (or just in general) after I take a shower.

[autisticmind]

People often talk about the pain of people who don't like who you are, but what about the pain of thinking people would like you, if only they'd really get to know and try to understand you?

If only they'd return or initiate the effort, be not just willing but desirous to communicate and work with (rather than against or simply not at all with) you.

If only they'd care and show it.

[autisticmind]

Just because something is a trauma response or part of a trauma response doesn't necessarily mean it isn't genuine, or well-meaning— that may make it more extreme or out of the ordinary, but it may be something they would do or say regardless.

It may just be an authentic expression of self impacted by trauma, rather than inauthentic.

It may not be genuine, but you can't know that simply from knowing it's a trauma response.

[autisticmind]

Do you guys ever feel so much sudden rage at society for failing to provide the bare minimum support you needed/need to survive/thrive that you have to actually time. out. your mind for a while to calm down????

[autisticmind]

For an autistic person to "give up" on you entirely, to leave your life after any kind of real relationship it generally takes quite a lot— of mistakes and/or simply pushing them away.

They probably gave and gave until they couldn't anymore, past what they even thought they could until it became too draining, too much and they were forced, by one limitation or another to stop.

Because, in my experience, autistic/neurodivergent people are more persistent— they gain and lose interest/attachment far more quickly, or completely in general.

Don't lose someone like that, who will put in and maintain the effort to help and fix things as much as possible.

[autisticmind]

I suppose I am "crazy", for sometimes trying to reason or logic people out of their intense emotions— I know it's in all likelihood futile, but I can't always help trying anyway, and then some people assume it's for some awful reason instead of informing for the usually sole purpose of understanding.

When I discuss down to the details, I am making a sincere effort to promote connection rather than hinder it, providing all knowledge possible to make the best decision possible— at least, that is my intent.

[autisticmind]

It's especially sad to me, how apparently common it is for some people to think autistic/neurodivergent people are lying or trying to manipulate them when they're actually being radically honest— it's just "too" honest for them to identify or accept.

It's sad that their honesty is considered "radical" relative to neurotypical society, when it would in nearly all cases be healthier and better for everyone to be more open and honest with each other.

[autisticmind]

I really wish people would pay more attention to my very near always honest, genuine words instead of reading their biases in my tone and facial expressions, which fairly often don't match neurotypical experience or expectations.

Generally, I don't mean to come off as standoffish or rude or disinterested or anything negative. Sometimes it's just that I don't have the energy to mask anymore; I'm too tired to create or continue the facade for the comfort or acceptance of others.

It's draining when I try to explain this and people still don't listen, or act like I'm lying for some unfathomable reason.

I mask at times, but I don't lie without having an exceptionally good reason to— and a little more of your understanding isn't that.

[autisticmind]

I don't have "ulterior motives", generally speaking, they are exterior motives— as plainly given as can be, if I know you want me to tell you or feel like I should share for one reason or another.

I don't really see the point in hiding most, if not all things— which can lead to info and trauma dumping and oversharing, when I don't understand/recognize when it's not appropriate.

Do not give me vague hints. Tell me when something makes you uncomfortable.

And don't misinterpret my wanting to know why as trying/wanting to argue with or pressure you— I am just trying to make enough sense of it to expand or fit it into my expectations. I don't, generally, have a problem with the thing itself, just the adjustment.

So explain— at least, try to as best as you can. Specify. State things honestly and openly and clearly. Directly. In another way if one was maybe too unfamiliar or unclear for me to understand.

I promise you, I will respond to and reciprocate the effort most appreciatively.

[autisticmind]

To anyone who's ever been told anything like "you're *too* autistic":

No, you're not. Regardless of how "autistic" you are or what exactly they mean by that.

They're too ignorant. They don't care and/or don't understand enough to learn your language/perspective and how to better communicate with you. They aren't aware enough to find it important enough (or ultimately more helpful, productive, and convenient) to spend the time and effort on, but the onus shouldn't just be on you to communicate— it's on both parties to make a real, consistent effort.

And you try, but they may interpret you differently/worse than you really mean— maybe they don't ask you to confirm how you see things or, even if they do, they don't "believe" you though you've always stated the truth, as far as you're aware anyway.

That's on them. Not you.

Please don't hurt or lose yourself trying to help people understand you— in the extreme, it's a trauma response and I understand, I've been there and I'm still trying to undo/alleviate the damage.

But I've learned there's only so much I can, or should do, and not everyone deserves or values your genuine efforts.

You are worth more than people committed to not understanding you.