#Fae Humor

[allthatispeculiar]

[acomaflove]

Prompt: Why did you join the Night Court army?

Cassian: I’m Illyrian, so I didn’t have many other career path options.

Azriel: I had no say in the matter.

Rhysand:

Rhysand:

Rhysand: Honestly, 50% was that I had no choice………and the other 50% was daddy issues.

[glooomyshroom]

Briar Valley: “Aw darn we have a low population with almost no royal heirs”

Me, a wide hipped bitch with concerning fae attraction and a dream: “watch this”

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Geralt accidentally loses his freedom to a fae. Jaskier manages to win it back. He thinks this means he has freed Geralt.

What it actually means is that, under fae law, Jaskier owns Geralt.

"Well, I was always kind of yours." ".....WHAT?" "...Oh, did you not know that, Jask?" "WHO???"

[zorya-reads]

[blade-liger-4ever]

I had to once I had the vision

Enjoy.

[a2zillustrations]

The smile of a pirate’s wife is super effective tbh

[theriu]

How To Bargain With Rumplestilts

Rumplestilt: I will help you out of your predicament, but for a price: your firstborn child!

Me: Right, so you’ll help me in exchange for your firstborn child. Deal!

Rumplestilt: (accepts handshake, cackling) The bargain is set! There’s no backing out n . . . hngh! Wait, what’s . . . happening . . .?

(Rumplestilt falls to the floor, twitching and glowing. Glow fades to reveal a small bundle next to him)

Me and Rumplestilt: . . . . . .

(Bundle starts crying)

Me: Dude . . . did you just have a baby?

Rumplestilt: No, that can’t be . . . my kind can’t have kids! Why do you think we bargain for children?!

Me: Well, we did agree you would help me in exchange for YOUR firstborn child . . . I think we may have found a loophole?

Rumplestilt: (awed) Did you know this would happen?!

Me: Honestly I was just trying to be clever, this is way better than anything I expected.

Rumplestilt: (teary-eyed) I’m a dad!

Me: Congratulations!!!

Me: Oh shoot, but don’t forget about the bargain! The kid might disappear or something!

Rumplestilt: (clutches bundle) Oh my word, right!!!

———

(A/N: It’s been a while since I messed with magical bargain tropes. XD Fun Fact: I learned while fiddling with this idea that a “rumplestilt” is, in fact, a name for a type of goblin! Which is great because I try to keep my guides species-focused and I did goblins in my very first one!)

For more assorted nonsense, visit my How To Guides for Mythical Creatures Masterlist!

[scrapimmortal]

crimson wings extra spoilers

hey ani can't you write something more cheerful for christmas?

no

[folkandbooks]

One thing that never stops to amaze me is that every witch I encounter listens to Hozier. Every. Single. One of them.

[glooomyshroom]

You know what? Fuck it.

*Un-Lilias your Lilia*

Meet John Lilia

[geraskierfanficprompts]

When Jaskier's angry or upset, it's always "Don't touch me!" "Get away!" "Hands off!" And then the bard will be gone for hours or days until he calms down.

Now, Geralt understands this kind of reaction. He himself doesn't want to talk to/be around others when he's angry. Much less let anyone touch him. The thing is...Jaskier acting that way never fails to make Geralt feel like shit. Jaskier is usually so affectionate that the sudden cut off is jarring. The first few times it happened, Geralt had been sure that Jaskier was fed up with him and leaving for good.

However, Jaskier always returns. They make amends, and the bard resumes his touchy, affectionate ways.

One day though, they have their worst argument yet. And although he had always come back before, Geralt is certain that this is the time Jaskier will leave forever. If Jaskier walks out that door, Geralt is sure he will never see him again.

So, unthinkingly, Geralt catches the bard's wrist.

Jaskier's eyes widen, panic replaces anger. "Geralt! Let me go! Let me go right now!"

Geralt loosens his grip reflexively in response to Jaskier's panic. Did the bard think the witcher would force him to stay?

He opens his mouth to try to explain.

Only, the world is...spinning? And Geralt's tongue is heavy. And everything is warm. Oh, he feels like he’s going to hurl.

Then, he passes out.

An unknown amount of time later, Geralt wakes. He feels kind of hungover but is otherwise fine. To his relief, Jaskier is sitting at his bedside.

When the bard notices Geralt is awake, he inquires after his health. At Geralt's reassurance that he is fine, Jaskier launched into a tirade about the number of times he had told Geralt "NOT TO TOUCH ME WHEN I’M MAD! AND THAT INCLUDES RIGHT NOW, YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH, YOU BASTARD!!!"

Geralt is a bit confused about how Jaskier being mad and his fainting spell are connected.

Two things are revealed:

1) Jaskier is part fae.

2) Some fae become toxic to touch when they are angry or upset. It is a magical trait, so it fades when the anger does. However, it can still be deadly.

This puts some things into perspective. Like how Jaskier, who seems to feel entitled to his emotions/reactions no matter how inappropriate they may be, is very skilled at cooling his temper. Or how, when he does become angry, he chooses verbal slander over physical violence. Or how when there IS a physical fight Jaskier wraps his hands in cloth and tries to use blunt instruments.

Bonus: Geralt tells all of the witchers not to touch Jaskier when he's mad, and Lambert takes that as a challenge.

I LOVE THIS!!!!!! OH MY GOODDDDDD!!! You take the things we spoke about and add onto it like putting glitter on a macaroni art craft, it's beautiful, It's so beautiful, oh my god! Poor Geralt thought his bard was leaving and poor Jaskier has to watch his stupid idiot Witcher touch him, gAH I love it! I want to read a 5k oneshot about it

[moonlitbibliotheca]

Parenting Problems: Madoc Edition

Madoc: I raised you like my own. Jude: Yeah, you murdered my own, and then handed me a sword like it's some weird apology gift. Madoc: Semantics. Jude: Most parents teach their kids how to ride bikes, or, I don't know, not get involved in royal murder plots. Madoc: I taught you how to ride into battle. Jude: ...and that's perfect for a normal childhood?

[zorya-reads]

[cherryeol04]

Untouched (M)

➻ Pairings: Minho x Hyunjin x Changbin

➻ Genre: Established Relationship, Romance, Smut

➻ Additional: Fantasy AU, cucking, threesome

➻ Word Count: 915

➻ Warnings:

 ➻ Author’s notes: Fae Hyunjin is at the mercy of Sea Serpent Minho, forced to please the other man while his husband, human Changbin, watches. While being degraded and told how worthless his cock is, Hyunjin is also forced to admit how much better Minho is at fucking him - how good Minho makes him feel. This story is cross posted on multiple sites under the same username!

“Fucking worthless.” Minho hissed into Changbin’s ear at the same time as he slapped his weeping cock, pulling a strangled cry from the human. He had been hard for so long now, time lost within the confines of the bedroom. It had all been his idea - he had practically pleaded with Hyunjin. He never thought it would turn out to be this good. “Pay attention, stupid human.” There was no venom to the words, but they served their purpose nonetheless - another moan falling from Changbin’s lips as he tried to focus his gaze on the other male, vision slightly obscured by his tears.

“Mmm, that’s better.” Minho hummed, his slitted yellow eyes raking over Changbin’s naked form. He gave another slight appreciative hu, but just as quickly as the attention had turned to Changbin, it was gone. Minho’s strong, broad back was turned to him - pale skin glinting a greenish hue as the light reflected on the near translucent scale patches. Human form or natural form, the sea serpent was gorgeous. A perfect balance of neutrality and Changbin’s first and only pick for this game.

The older male made his way back to the bed where Changbin’s equally gorgeous husband, Hyunjin, was laid out for them, cock hard and achingly red, twitching every few seconds with need. Changbin’s eyes moved to Hyunjin’s hole, currently stuffed full with a vibrator. “Look at you.” Minho swatted at the toy, watching it wiggle from side to side as Hyunjin squirmed, back arching as a broken cry filled the room. “Feel good, baby?”

“Y-yes.” Hyunjin panted out, fingers curling tightly in the sheets underneath him.

“Better than what your husband’s pathetic excuse for a dick can make you feel?”

Changbin shifted in his chair, a needy moan leaving him as Minho’s words went straight to his cock. Hyunjin lifted his head towards him, eyes searching and all Chafngbin could do was nod in reassurance. He wanted this - so fucking bad did he want this. Given the green light, Hyunjin’s head fell back on the bed as he nodded.

“Words.” Minho warned, smacking the toy again, and again Hyunjin cried out with a squirm.

“Yes!  ‘S so good.” he whined and as if to prove his point, precum oozed from the tip, slowly sliding down the underside of his cock. “Minho, please.” he begged.

“Please what, darling?”

“Fuck me. Want to cum.” Hyunjin whimpered.

“Aw, poor baby wants to cum. Should let you husband fuck you.” Minho blinked a few times as he stared down at Hyunjin before sneering. “I’m sure he wouldn’t know what to do ith his dick if he was given the chance.” Slender fingers wrapped around the base of the vibrator and Minho began fucking Hyunjin with it. The beautiful fae thrashed on the bed, desperate cries falling from pretty pink lips as more precum leaked from his tip. The sight was intoxicating and it took all of Changbin’s willpower to not touch himself. 

“Look at this, Binnie.” Changbin jumped when the attention was back on him. Minho’s eyes were boring holes into his soul and he felt like prey to a hungry predator. And he was. Minho was a dangerous predator, but Changbin trusted him. “This toy can fuck him better than you ever could.” 

Changbin squirmed, a needy whine escaping him as his muscles flexed with restraint. His cock twitched nearly uncontrollably as it leaked copious amounts of precum. The head was an angry red and Changbin felt like he was at the edge, barely hanging on. “I-I-” changbin started, but the pointed glare Minho shot him shut him up instantly.

“Oh fuck! Oh god!” Hyunjin’s cries of pleasure went straight to Changbin’s dick, eyes locked on the way Minho rotated and grinded the vibrator inside of Hyunjin. Hyunjin’s breathing became shallow and rapid, toes curling as his body arched and jerked. “Minho!” Hyunjin’s body shook as the pleasure reached its breaking point. With one last cry, Hyunjin painted his stomach white with long sticky ropes of cum.

Changbin’s own orgasm took him by surprise, cock throbbing as he came all over his stomach. The rush was hot - breathtaking. His head fell back, eyes clenched shut as he drowned in the ecstasy of his release. Changbin was left a shaking mess as he slowly started coming down from his high, reality slowly coming back to him. As soon as he had enough wits about him, he realized Minho was by his side, stroking his hair gently and his lap was filled with his glowing, needy husband. He dragged his arms forwards, wrapping them around Hyunjin’s waist. The fae nuzzled into his neck, and Changbin smiled lightly, pressing a kiss to his Hyunjin’s head.

“You did so good, baby.” Changbin whispered, and Hyunjin tilted his head up to stare at the other. 

“Really?” 

“Really. So perfect.” Hyunjin beamed at the praise, snuggling himself closer to the other.

“And you did so well for us.” Minho praised, taking Changbin by surprise. His cheeks flushed a light pink, but he tried to ignore it. “Was it to your liking?”

“It was more than I could have asked for. It was amazing.” Changbin turned his head to look back at the other. “You were amazing. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Minho hummed softly as he watched the two. “Call me anytime you want to do this again,” he offered.

“How about next week?” Hyunjin asked with a grin, giggling when Changbin choked on his own spit.

“It’s a date.”

Tags:  @jisungsjheekies@luminouskalopsia@sauceracha@hanjisungismybaby@kiwibaekie@imbonibi@jiwlys@army-of-carats@peachmilkcloud@letterstoskz@lauraneuuh@babyskz@slinekyu@feedthefandoms995@rejemi@halotopicecream @skzmonster @jumunnaa @serendipityryn @eastleighsblog@hydrawaterdragon@3rachasninja@haileybugulug@luvyev

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