#I am fully aware that other people find this cool but I do not

[fake-married-my-dead-fiance]

I hate when people feed each other, it's like an anti-kink to me. I don't want anyone touching my food or putting it near my mouth and I won't do it to anyone else either. I find it really gross and off-putting. And yet somehow I still watch Kdramas and they love couples feeding each other, but I just kind of don't watch those scenes.

EXCEPT the only, single, one (1) time I have liked this trope is in It's Okay to Not Be Okay when Sang-tae feeds Moon-young when she's in bed and she's crying and he says he'll forgive her if she eats. That was the only time it wasn't cringy to me and it's probably because it wasn't romantic.

[etheries1015]

How TWST characters react to finding out your real name

They hadn't realized you were using a fake name or a nickname, and when they find out you hadn't told them your real name, they each reacted in their own way.

Featuring : Idia, Lilia, Crowley, Ace/deuce/grim (together) , Azul/jade/Floyd (together), Malleus, Epel, Rook, Vil, Kalim, Jamil

Idia - Fair. Its like using a fake in game name only in real life, who needs to know your real name? It's not that important, it doesn't change that you're still you. But he is glad that you trusted him with your real name, but now he's a little possessive, and doesn't like it when other people use your real name. Its HIS privilege to know the you behind the character! (He wants his y/n moment and he gets some sort of fulfillment knowing he was the first to learn your true name. Like he's in some sort of otome game)

Lilia- he raises an eyebrow and has an amused smile on his face. He wasn't expecting you to feel the need to hide your identity, were you some sort of refugee? Hiding from something? You then explain to him you simply didnt feel comfortable sharing your real name with a bunch of strangers since coming to twisted wonderland, and he was easily able to accept that answer. He calls you by whatever name you prefer, it makes no difference to him, and he quickly gets over it. (If he wants to get your attention and tease you, he will use your real name)

Malleus- A little bit...hurt, in a way? You couldn't trust him with your real name? He knew others thought he was scary and didnt trust him for his lineage, however he had to remind himself that you were different than them. You were kind and understanding, and he had to push back his childish thinking. He did the same thing in fact, hiding his name from you until learning far after your meeting. Perhaps you had your reasons as well, and he respects that, and warms his heart slightly coming to terms that you had entrusted him with that information. He uses whatever name you feel the most at ease of hearing, but there will be times in which you two are alone and he gets in his feelings. Hearing your name sound so sincere and loving coming from his lips makes it sound sweeter than you remember.

Azul + the Leech brothers- Shocked. Flabbergasted. You did it in such a cool way too, you signed his contract using a name he wasn't familiar with. "You are aware that using a fake name won't do you any good, Right?" He had pointed out. You gave him a smirk and crossed your arms, "Who says its fake? In fact, the name I signed is indeed my REAL name. I thought I might as well use my real name, to show how confident I am that your little tricks will not fool me." Jade simply smiled and nodded in approval, whilst Floyd began laughing hysterically at Azuls reaction (his mouth hung open. He just convinced himself you had an inflated ego.) Needless to say, they will not forget that moment in a while.

Crowley- Blames you and says "Well of course I couldn't find your records anywhere or continue with my investigation on your case, you didnt even give me an accurate name to go by!" (In reality he wasn't doing anything to help you, he just thought this gave him an out and more time to think of something. You knew this.) The gaslighting king, and good at making you feel bad for not enrolling into the school by providing your full real name. You rolled your eyes and kept doing what you were doing (slay)

Kalim- he gets super excited, and fully respects you by any name you go by. He showers you in compliments and says its such a nice and fitting name for a person such as yourself. He smiles brightly and locks arms with you; "(fake name) or (real name), they both suit you well! You're still the prefect I love, regardless of what name you use!" .... But then he starts to ask you why, and it turns into an hour long conversation about names. (Probably tries to suggest names that would suit you)

Jamil- A little surprised at first, however he never made a big deal out of it and didnt care much. He shrugged and continued using the name you had given him, its what you chose to go by, is it not? So he will continue to do so. (Inwardly he understands why you hid your true identity, but also thinks its silly in a way. Why would you go so long without sharing something as small as a name? But it was a one time thought, and never dwelled on those questions.)

Vil- Also doesn't make a big deal out of it. Your name suits you well, he will ask what you prefer to go by, however. If you aren't comfortable using your real name, who is he to judge? He asks you once about why you chose to use a fake name, and he respected it. "Or I can just call you prefect, if you prefer? Your title precedes your name, and it's a form of respect. How does that sound?" You chuckle and say that you trust him enough to be on a first name base, and he responds with a slight blush. You really know how to see past his professionalism.

Rook- Add it to his list of things he knows about people and probably knows too much about people. He stores it in his mind along side with your weight, your height, your frequented places in the school, your gym scores, the height you can jump, how fast you finish your lunch, how big your hand is, your shoe size, how many hairs are on your head... "magnifique! I just love learning new things about you, it never ceases to amaze the mysteries you hold! Please, tell me more!"

Epel- A little bit disappointed you hadn't told him sooner. He gets over it quickly, but he was still a little upset to hear that he was one of the last people to find out what your real name is! Not that it truly matters, but a persons name is a persons treasure, and he wanted a part of the great reveal! (It wasn't THAT great. It came up casually, he's just a little sentimental and dramatic sometimes.) He ends up carving your name out of an apple, he says he made it cause' he was bored and no other reason, but in reality he really likes your name more than he leads on.

Ace/deuce/Grim- What do you MEAN that the past year they have been calling you by a FAKE/NICKNAME This entire time?? Do you have that little faith in them???? When you explained to them you had simply rolled with it when you first arrived to twisted wonderland and became accustomed to it, the name flowed off your tongue as natural as breathing. It had nothing to do with trust as time went on. They were all so dramatic about it though. "Our Prefect LIED to us!" They cried out, prostrating themselves on the floor and demanding you buy them food in to compensate 'the emotional damages' they claimed you inflicted upon them. You rolled your eyes and laughed playfully as the three of them whined about your "distrust" in them.

You loved them nonetheless, those morons 💜

---

A link to my master list!

[lickthehilt]

keep you in a bottle

T/W: mentions of Boothills backstory and the reader who’s a direct victim of the IPC. Writing about it has made me think of parallels to current world happenings; I am well aware of the genocide happening in Palestine and I do not write this to glorify the situation whatsoever nor do I support the genocides. If you would like to help Palestine, there is a post by sulfurcosmos which explains different methods you can help Palestinians direct and non-directly:

These methods include donating, petitioning and campaigning (with inclusions of boycotting).

END THE GENOCIDE.

If my works do anything to offend you or any party, please let me know so I can amend or take down anything.

I do not mention descriptions of anything visceral in my work, the most being: “…the IPC fully invaded, but he told you that as he rummaged through the wreck of scorched land he'd found the chip at the entrance of where the nursery would've been in the shared house…” other descriptions include the idea of having a cybernetic body.

He'll pry the door open with his leg, too cool to use the actual handle, right about--

The door swings open followed by the beams of sunlight reflecting off the metallic surface of the medals and bullets hanging from his jacket and belt. Entering the hotel room, every movement he makes is loud and punctuated by the tinkling of metal and the clicks of his spurs -- in your daydreams sometimes he takes the form of a souvenir seller, like the ones they have in the big-shot planets he had travelled to in the past. You can see him hollering at smudged out faces, waving trinkets and brushing against people with his tassel-like long hair.

You love his hair; the length and how when he sways you can see the strands dance in river-like streaks. When you were younger you had to fight him tooth-and-nail to get your grubby hands on those clumps. Daylight burnt through fights that ended with you pinning his hands to his sides as he wriggled on his front, your weight pressing him down as you'd tear through his hair with your own hairbrush. Now adays you can't really brawl with him in the same way.

"What'chu dreaming 'bout, sugar?" He hauls a bag to the centre table, the contents clanking. His grin is razor sharp, cutting into his cheeks as he starts rummaging through it.

"You. Your hair. Braiding it and stuff, you know? You'd ever think about wearing it up or something?" From where you are, you can't quite see the emotion the flicks past his face. Moments like this, whenever he comes home with his bag of goodies, he looks like a wounded hound licking at his paws showing off the scraps he's managed to scrounge up. "I like that one."

From the bag he produces what looks like a panel of white metal, "like porcelain." Holding it up, he continues rummaging, "came with some fancy bits. Gold and all."

"All for me?"

His gaze momentarily flickers to you, staring through your form. You'd imagine how maybe he'd loom over you, bat at a strand of your hair, flick your forehead, brush his metal fingers against the flesh of your flesh. But the way he looks at you now, uncertain and alien. There are days he can't bring himself to look at you: thinks about what could've been-- what is. He likes to tuck you to his chest on these days, press you close to his non-existent heartbeat, have your hum resonate with the mechanical system inside him. His body is efficient, quiet and invisible to the naked ear, but some days you can really hear him, hear the sliding pumps and groan of metal joints.

"Only the best."

"Maybe you'll find something to fix that Synesthesia Beacon of yours."

Air passes through him in a throat chuckle, "ya think?"

Across the table he's laid out all sort of odd sheets of metal, some sturdy or bent, and he stands above the selection with his hands propped on his hips and leaning back. Cupping the bottom of his face he beckons you closer as you flicker next to him. "What’d ya reckon. Do ya like it?"

"The selection?"

"Naw, the table--" he clicks his tongue. "Yes the selection."

A smile would've pressed against your cheeks as you'd brush your hip against his. But, you don't have a physical hip to brush against his, instead your visage passing his form. The contact is non-existent, but he finds himself jolted still. "Sorry." You don't know what you're apologising for. "Well, um, it's a selection alright."

"Not good 'nough?"

"No-- it is! It's just… hard to imagine…"

"A body." You choose to not look at him.

When you had the chance to really inspect his body, the whole sleek design had been incredibly difficult to grasp for a country bumpkin like yourself. Imagine, mechanical bodies and not just the ones where the head's full of wires. His actual brain is in there, working and pumping whatever fluid they used for his blood or something. Does he even have blood? He'd never let you see the worst of his fights and you've only really seen him in action when he got good at what he did. When he had credit and cash spilling from his fingertips the same way that he let his bullets rain. Being a galaxy ranger was good for him, the best option for him after what had happened -- but he's never told you what went into that surgery, or more like he could never explain it.

"Look," he fidgets with his left hand, popping out his revolver chamber and spinning the wheel slowly, "it's not that deep when ya really think about it, honey."

"Boothill. I want you to look at me when you reassure me." He pauses. Then, he turns to look at you. Really look at you.

Your form flickers before him. There's a slight blue sheen over the visage of what you would've looked like -- what you should've looked like if you were physically alive. Boothill has razor sharp vision, even with one eye, but he struggles to look at you with a steady gaze. He fidgets in a way you don’t really see him, always one to ooze with confidence, dancing through bullet shells and pressing the nozzle of guns into his abdomen.

"When you made the decision to… did it hurt?"

"It hurt, alright." A belly-type laughter rasps his throat as he adjusts his hat, "but it hurt more know those little vermons would be going scot-free if I weren't chasing 'em down."

The thought makes you quiet. Outside you could make out the whizzing of hover cars and the cute little squishing sound those little billboards make as they trail behind you. There’s laughter and chatter and life.

Boothill adjusts his footing, his spur clicking as he shifts to be closer to you, just shy of what would be him pressing against your body.

"Yer'll still be you to me." He huffs, "metallic body er not, yer' still… Plus, I think it'll be easier for ya. No nerves to server, or gas to suck on. Just gotta boot you down."

"Gee. Real assuring."

"Ain't it?" And you think about it as he starts chucking the bad metal in the pile he's collected in the corner of your temporary living space.

You'd be awake as nothing more than waves of light one moment, then the next you'd have a body. Something real physical. And that'd be great-- but the morality of real death would come back, wouldn't it? No longer would you worry about Boothill losing you, or scratching your chip up a little too much, death would be in your hands once more. It's easier to be mad at someone else, but yourself?

Boothill never told you in detail on how he'd found your body the day the IPC fully invaded, but he told you that as he rummaged through the wreck of scorched land he'd found the chip at the entrance of where the nursery would've been in the shared house. It was small in size and a bit thick, almost lost amongst the greys and black, only found through its blinking blue light that winked through the rubble. He would've tossed it away if it weren't for your name etched into its surface.

He held onto the hope that it meant anything and clutched onto the chip well after he got his cyborg body, at one point forgetting it and keeping it in his boot for safe keeping ("… in your boot." "It kept ya safe, dun'it?"). Just by chance he had his hands on some holographic projector and popped the chip in. Then, there you were. Loading bit by bit, but just the same as you’d been the night before the wipe out. Same face, same body, hands and feet. You were still, as if frozen, and he'd been… well it was a lot. For him and you, who'd been in… well, not the best mind when you came to be.

"I… guess so. I-- and you'll be able to really find this doctor again?"

"Found her once, and I'll find her again, sugar. And before you know it," he tips his hat, averting his gaze to the whirring device projecting your form. "We can do all the hair braiding ya want."

[devsgames]

"Is Tumblr Blaze Worth It For Promoting My Indie Game?" - a Postmortem

Lately I've been thinking about marketing and promotion of my games and wanting to explore new avenues. Tumblr Blaze was one of those things I wanted to dip my toes into a bit to understand how it works and if it has potential for advertising my sort of stuff. Like as not, there's no point in making games if nobody actually plays them after all!

Conversely I have also heard bad things about Tumblr Blaze; that it's not very targeted, the reach is fairly limited, and people on this site generally hate anything that is Blazed to them.

I wanted to test all these waters a bit to see if it's something worth investing in, and share what I found for my own benefit and the benefit of others. Finding various info on topics like this for indie dev can be a pain, so why not share my findings?

The Plan and Goal

While Centauri Dark is still in development and is the thing I actually want to advertise more of right now, Bombing!! 2 is already out and is much more marketable with some cool art made by community members. I think as a first impression it tends to show well, so I decided to make my test post with that to get exposure to it and see how it goes.

My goal was mostly to see what a Blaze post does for advertising a launched indie game and how much "eyes on" it actually gets in terms of actual engagement.

Posting

From the outset I knew I wanted to make a post that 1) wasn't annoying to people just looking at the webbed site 2) featured a call to action of some kind I could measure 3) wouldn't break the bank.

Here's what I came up with:

The intention was to flash some cool looking art to grab their attention, explain what they're looking at, and then link the game a couple of times while mentioning "Buy or Wishlist" for good measure as a call to action.

Since Bombing!! 2 is such an art-forward game, I found the coolest art pieces made by community members that felt the most "Tumblr" to match the audience, and would also show off the range of art you could make in the game. I also wanted to make it personal, like me writing a message to whoever would read it instead of something that sounded like a standard ad. Generally I think it was a fairly reasonable little post that catches some interest and doesn't overstay too much of a welcome. What I think also helps is it's explicitly a "hey this might interest you" sort of framing (as opposed to a more "why am I even seeing this" sort of post you tend to get from Blaze sometimes).

I also think it's worth emphasizing that writing a posted explicitly intending to be Blazed was a much stronger approach than just Blazing some random post I had made for my own followers months ago, because I could align it to my promotional goals. It also assumed that random people on the Internet would be the ones seeing my post, and not the followers and friends who already know me and my work.

Blazing

As I looked into Blaze early on there was actually a few key things I wasn't fully aware of about the system.

It guarantees a minimum amount of views

It guarantees it will be Blazed for a minimum of 24 hours no matter how many views

You pay a single base rate for the whole campaign (great compared to some ads which tend to price based on views/engagement).

You can define an audience explicitly (some info that was floating around lead me to believe this wasn't the case).

Campaigns come in a few amounts:

I paid for the 2nd tier; $17 USD for a campaign, which amounts to $25 CDN. I wanted to go a little more into it than the lowest tier offered, since I figured the lowest wouldn't give me as much data as I would've liked and I wanted to know what to reasonably expect should I decide to do it again in the future.

Since Bombing!! 2 sells for ~$20USD I also figure if the Blaze campaign prompts at least two people to buy the game then the Blaze would have paid for itself.

Blaze lets you use tags to define which audiences you want to reach. Unfortunately it doesn't let you view that data after you've applied it, but the tags I chose were generally anyone who spoke English and has an interest in Digital Artist or Video Game circles.

The campaign ran for 24 Hours, starting yesterday and ending today.

The Results

I definitely noticed a sharp uptick in engagement during the campaign! It hit the target audience of ~7k around one hour into the campaign, after which point I noticed engagement take a sharp decline.

Here's the Blaze campaign analytics provided by Tumblr (which was also very helpful to have):

So it seems ~12.5k views from Blaze, ~370 likes, ~80 reblogs, 5 shares elsewhere. The post itself has ~520 notes, so I assume there's some reblogging and liking happening from beyond the Blaze campaign that isn't pictured here. The good thing is that despite having reached its 7k target after only 1 hour, it continued to circulate and be Blazed until 24 hours later. Eventually the post made it to ~12k views overall, which was nearly double the amount promised by the campaign - I attribute this mostly to a strong post/target audience/subject matter and I'm sure it's not standard.

Here's the general velocity of engagement around when the post was Blazed:

It jumped much more than I honestly expected, but you can tell Blaze seemed to put it in front of people's faces more than my regular posts do. You can see it drops off sharply as I hit the quoted amount as well, back down to the normal amount of engagement I get on Tumblr.

But this stuff isn't really what I was looking for; I was looking for sales and keeping an eye on 'conversions' - or how many users followed my call to action because of the post. Likes and stuff are fine and cool, but how many people bought or wishlisted the game on Steam as a result of seeing the post on Tumblr?

Tumblr and Blaze obviously have no way of telling me this, so I'm looking to Steam to show me changes there.

Here's what Steam shows me happened to the Bombing!! 2 views yesterday:

That's not nothing! This shows the last month's worth of traffic to the Bombing!! 2 page, and that number was at least double yesterday as it was regularly. It's very cool to know a number of people did actually click through to the game page in order to view the game from the Blaze post.

But the real REAL question is how many bought or wishlisted the game because of this post?

I'll start with Sales, on a graph of 1 month of data:

Flat line :( Which is fine though, as the game wasn't on Sale and was just reaching people for the first time. I didn't honestly expect any immediate sales from this, and was more focused on other engagement anyways. Honestly I would be surprised if someone saw the game on a Blaze post and bought it immediately. I mean it's good but it's probably not THAT good!

Now to Wishlists, which can be a good indicator of who might likely buy your game in the future. Basically if someone has added a game to their wishlist, there's reason to believe they might buy it in the future, which is good for your game.

Here's the Wishlists for Bombing!! 2 from the last month:

That's 23 Wishlists in one day! That's roughly ~18 Wishlists more than an average day!

It's hard to know if some of these are because of the post or just a statistical fluke. However, when compared to previous trends on the game page that's quite a noticeable difference. It means even if no one bought it now, they were interested enough to add it to their shortlist. Looking at it another way, if two people who Wishlisted decided to buy the game in the future the campaign will have paid for itself.

Conclusions

I think like any advertising if you go into it with a plan in mind and try to build something around a specific action, Blaze seems pretty worth it to me especially if I just want to get eyes on something. On top of the obvious data telling me people were interested in the game, there was a few folks who just plain complemented the game or acknowledged it 'was the first Blaze post they were actually interested in', which felt worth it in it's own qualitative sort of way. It's also worth noting my game sells for $20USD, so the margins are large enough that making it back isn't too challenging.

I think having an idea of the message I wanted to send really helped, and I'm sure I'd happily do this again with a larger audience and another plan (and probably will do it for when Centauri Dark releases).

[akookminsupporter]

Namjoon gave a good interview to Vogue Spain and in it he said a few things that I thought I'd share with those of you who may not understand Spanish.

This was at the end of the article but I want to write it first:

One thing that needs to be made clear about this album is that, no matter how much the rumour mill is trying to spin it, it is by no means the end of the successful band. "Oh, I'm not leaving BTS. Absolutely not. This is the first time I'm launching a solo project like this, so I'm trying to stand up and take my first steps. But I'm ambitious and I have willpower. So I don't want to miss the opportunity to do both. So I will try my best not to lose control and steer these two ships at the same time. A lot of bands split up and fall apart, but I hope that doesn't happen to BTS. I just love the music, I love my job, I love the band members and I love myself. If I can keep both projects going, I think it can be something legendary in the long run".

Other important parts of the article:

"The k-pop industry hasn't stopped growing since we debuted with BTS [in 2013]. It's become a lot more complex and has brought a lot more people into its structures. I think there are a lot of lights, but also some slippery shadows. Many of us started our careers very early as a group: we slept and lived together as teenagers. We became a real family, which is great, but this culture has also affected me a lot, because sometimes I find it difficult to be treated as an adult who has autonomy in his decisions. I'm perceived as just another cog in the crew, in the context of a mass phenomenon",

Did you ever feel like you were getting completely lost in this delirium of success? "I used to think so, but the funny thing is that I am fully aware that it was my own choice to devote myself to the k-pop industry. Nobody pushed me into it. But yes, I have lost myself at times. Although perhaps saying this is an excess of 'self-empathy'. There is no answer. Except that, if k-pop is about recharging the batteries of a mass audience and I'm responsible for doing that recharging, then I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground. As an adult, as a musician and as a human being. And these ten years of my career have helped me define who I am and learn to love myself. But I'm still in that process, you know? All these internal struggles will be recorded on records and videos," he explains.

"Music is really necessary for the world, but, when it comes to my music, sometimes I feel like I'm producing something unnecessary. If I were to die tonight, I don't think anything would change. It might matter to some people for a while, but a farmer or a street sweeper is more relevant to the functioning of society. When I ask myself about the role of our generation in historical terms, when I look at all the digital platforms and communities out there, I am overcome with confusion. There are a lot of people who don't want to think. They have frenetic lives and turn to music or television to escape, so the last thing they want is someone trying to lecture them from a pedestal. In that context, I wonder how I can make my music matter. I haven't found an answer yet, but I keep trying to bring my own perspective to it.

As to whether he is afraid that the army he has on Instagram (42.4 million followers) might one day turn against him for a silly mistake or a blunder, RM answers bluntly. "Yes, it scares me. It scares me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I was younger I tried to come across as a cool guy who doesn't give a shit what other people think, but I don't think that's right anymore. I care about the publicity dimension of my career and the influence I can have on others. It stresses me out, yes, but I think I can handle it. That's why I don't retire or do things like go out and drink the night away and then drive drunk. I'm human, I can make mistakes, but I will do everything in my power to be the best version of myself. One of the keys is to treat this job for what it is: a job. I don't think artists have any special rights or status.

Note: if you would like me to translate another part of the interview, let me know.

[nerdieforpedro]

Filthy Hooligans

Lucian Flores x female reader

This fanfiction and my entire blog is 18+ MDNI

Main Masterlist / Lucian Flores Masterlist

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: Showing up at Lucian's place at 3 am only means one thing. You both know it.

Warnings: Reader (nickname is cupcake) and Lucian are filthy, moisture, smoking, teasing, reference to public sex, exhibitionist behavior, fingering, 2 ass slaps (I think), unprotected P in V (wrap it people!), finger sucking

Notes: I came home from work last night. Fully intended to work on like 4 other WIPs I have. Fell asleep in my chair after eating something in my scrubs, woke up at 3 am. Wrote this, sent it to @musings-of-a-rose to read to over. And here were are. I hope I got the scuzz right. 👀

“I didn’t realize you were full of such bullshit Flores.”

“You’re not going to take that tone with me. I’m telling you not to come here anymore.”

“Is that why you opened the door for me, because I shouldn’t come here anymore?”

It’s your damn mouth. You always have something to say, you can never just accept an answer. Always questioning, always saying something. He needs you to understand that he isn’t saying this because he wants to. Any man in their right mind would enjoy a visit from you at 3 a.m. in nothing but a crimson silk nightgown, black kitten heels and that long black peacoat he remembered buying for you even though you said it was too much. Things are a little too heated right now, he needs to lay low and not have people coming to and from except family, which you care clearly not. Everything about you is loud, which he enjoys. Immensely, finds it entertaining, but not now. 

“I opened the door because I can’t have you causing a scene in my building. I don’t need this shit right now.” Flores is barefoot and pacing. The door man knows you downstairs, he’s one of his people who knows you visit usually at night several times a week. He shouldn’t have let you in, Lucian doesn't remember off hand if he told him or not. He needs to follow up on that later. 

He always has a slight sheen to him, no matter if it’s cold or warm or he’s actually inside. Hair lightly damp around the edges but still curly on top. His small soft belly jiggles over the top of his gray sweatpants he normally sleeps in. A hand at his temple, massaging it, while his other one holds his cigarette, half ash and falling onto the floor. He’s aware that this isn’t his usual calm, collected and suave self. 

“Seems like you need my mouth after all Lucian.” You’re starting your game. Calling his name like that, kicking off your heels, running your cool hands across his heated back. It feels too good. He stops pacing for a moment. “Lu, please. I’ll take care of you and then go.” The idea floats in his mind. To let you do it, have that hot moist mouth of yours, he can lay his head against the back of his couch and not worry about anything while you work. Kissing, sucking, licking, smearing, worshiping at the altar he has between his legs. “Lu-cian~ Lu baby…” Your voice is deepening raspy, lips on the back of his neck, fingers tracing the gold chain that has become his signature over the years. Once he feels your tongue where his hairline starts, he turns to grab your wrists, not too hard, but so you’ll stop. 

“You damn siren! Just fucking listen. You. Need. To. Go. Do not come back until I call for you. I mean it cupcake.” Releasing you he curses. This is not what he needs right not, to be worrying about you. Flores needs to be focused on a plan to get out of the mess, find where the leak is. One of the boys messed up, he needed to know which one. He expects to hear you storm out, welcomes it because then he can focus. 

“Lucy~” Dammit, he hates when you call him that. It pisses him off, you know it does. He can’t engage. He’ll fall for the trick you’re trying to pull on him. Sticking his cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table, he goes over to his kitchen and gets a drink of water, gulping it down. Trickles of it slide down his neck, he knows it’s hitting the vein you like to nibble and suck on when you ride him. He’s been half-swollen since you banged on his door. He knew what you came here for, the same thing you’d been coming for the last three months. Lucian doesn’t expect your next move though, to have your silk, up around your waist, you on your knees facing the back of the couch and opening yourself for him. “Lucian, fill me once. Once and I’ll go.” His hands hold tight onto the sides of his marble kitchen island. Watching you. You’re just as bad as he is. 

The two of you have been like this since the Burger King parking lot in your car. You’d pulled him in, got on top of him, rode him, told him you liked his gold chain and used a marker you found in your glove box to write your number on his arm. Well you tried to, he was too sweaty once you two finished so that was a good laugh. There was a speed warning ticket that you tore in half and you both exchanged numbers. You were sure your phone was somewhere in your car. He was going to meet his guys to check in and see how collections were going, you said you were going to pick your mother up and take her to the grocery store. Filth to match his grime. Different locations, indoors and outdoors. At times, ripped and stained clothing was all you two parted with. His sweat on your body, lipstick on his chest and neck. Sometimes he wouldn’t wipe it off before he went to his next stop, showing off what he’d been up to.

Flores took his time in walking over to you, watching you wiggle your ass for him. When he was behind you, he spread your thighs wider and inserted two fingers in your dripping cunt, curling them to have you call his name louder. “They slid right the hell in didn’t they? Only been two days since I was last in this pussy. You already want it filled again, don’t you cupcake?” You look over your shoulder and whine, he uses his free hands to swat your ass. 

“Hell yes Lucian. I want to leave dripping again.” You grind on his fingers, making him start to pump into you slowly. “Give me your thick cock and stain me again.” A single kiss to the back of your neck is all that Lucian gives you before removing his fingers and replacing them with his cock. He feels you spread, groaning from finally having what you want. His hands take hold of your hips but doesn’t move yet.

“I mean it cupcake. You don’t show up here again without me calling you.” He feels you pushing your hips back and he pinches your hips making you yelp. “Do. You. Understand. Me?” His grip starts to loosen and you feel him pulling out of you.

“Yes! Yes Lucian I understand. Damn. I won’t be here unless you call.” Said almost too quickly to understand, Flores chuckles before making his hips flush with yours, bottoming out within you.

“You’ll only listen with my cock inside of you, it figures, cupcake.” The growl Lucian releases as his pace quickens, has your thighs dripping with your slick and his pre-cum. You’re slumped over the back of the couch, writhing your hips in tune with his. Flores has an idea and takes your elbows in his hands instead of your hips, pounding that much harder into you. 

“I’ll listen to whatever you say with this cock of your Lucian,” Your head hands toward your chest, your moans are turning into squeals. He muttered soft curses in between his grunts, releasing one of your arms, placing his hand on your chest, then sliding it up to your neck. 

“Will you now? My dirty cupcake, suck my fingers. Maybe I jerked off before you got here.” He commanded. His palm was now on your chin as he inserted three fingers in your mouth, pressing down on your tongue. He felt your walls starting to quiver and knew with his throbs he wasn’t too far off either. With several haphazard thrusts, Lucian gave you your filling as requested. It warmed you from the inside, churned inside of you. The loss was felt when he pulled out this time, removing his fingers from your mouth and pulling his sweatpants back up. He saw you close your legs and stagger when standing up, he debated helping you, assisting you with your shoes, but not your coat. Before you closed it, trickles of his come were visible on your thighs. He smirked. 

You wobbled a bit but found your footing on the way to the door. “Don’t wait too long to call Flores. I may have to get some other filling if you’re going to holed up here.” The way you smiled told him that you actually would seek out a replacement for him. The corners of his mouth turned downward.

“You see if they’ll make you wobble like that. I doubt they will cupcake. You’ll be missing this dick. If you don’t answer, there’s plenty of pussy out here.” Lucian took his pack out of his pocket and lighter, firing up another cigarette. The small flame glowed against the visible sheen of his skin and his gold chain that you’ve never seen him without. His lips around the stick making a small ‘o’ as he inhaled, holding it in before his released the smoke from his nostrils, tilting his chin up.

“I’ll probably have to try a few before I find another good fit. And I don’t know what other woman you’d be able to find that can get wet enough to handle you. See you Lu~” He watched you walk out the door and down the hallway to the elevator. You blew him a kiss and he nodded before stepping back into his apartment and plopping down on the couch. He took a long drag of his cigarette and sighed, exhaling the smoke again. He’d need to figure out the leak sooner rather than later, he’s not willing to have blue balls over this shit.

The beads of sweat on Lucian's neck 💦: @laurfilijames @avastrasposts @maggiemayhemnj @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @morallyinept @trulybetty @goodwithcheese @secretelephanttattoo @rhoorl @linzels-blog @yorksgirl @for-a-longlongtime @legendary-pink-dot @magpiepills @alltheglitterandtheroar @beefrobeefcal @pamasaur @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @theywhowriteandknowthings @gasolinerainbowpuddles @megamindsecretlair @daddy-dins-girl @readingiskeepingmegoing @guelyury @missladym1981 @heareball @sin-djarin @gwendibleywrites @katw474 @immarocketman @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

[max1461]

Here's my other problem with tumblr discourse: even when I make the context/intended interpretation of a post really explicit, people ignore this context and respond to it in like... for lack of a more charitable term, a discoursebrained way.

So a while ago I made a post about some ethical intuition I had, and at the top I put a huge disclaimer which said something to the effect of "this is just an expression of my feelings, it's not meant to be a philosophically airtight position, please don't take it as such", followed by a readmore and then the actual post. Why did I do that? Because I figured that if I didn't, people would nitpick it in various technical ways that missed the basic point. Lo and behold several people still did that, and when I replied basically restating the disclaimer, one of them said "oh I didn't even see that. Well I think if you post a half-baked thought online I retain the right to nitpick it".

I guess that's true. My blog is public. But the point is that I want to use my blog for certain things and not others, right, that's what I'm attempting to do. And people seem actively resistant to my attempts to guide the discussion on my blog in certain directions, which makes blogging less enjoyable. Of course some people will always do that, that fact doesn't bother me, but it feels like the irrelevant/point-missing discourse so often overshadows the meaningful discourse that I start to feel less of a desire to put in the effort.

Like, the point of issuing that disclaimer was to say, as explicitly as I could manage, "I am trying to have a discussion about feelings and intuitions here, I am aware there might be ways these intuitions are not fully consistent, but that is not the discussion I'm trying to have". But even so explicit an attempt to specify a conversation topic does not work; the discourse machine demands a certain kind of engagement and that is the engagement every post will get no matter what.

I don't want to put the person who missed my disclaimer on blast: it's honestly an error that anyone could make and on its own it's no big deal. If said person is reading this: you didn't do anything wrong and I am not mad at you, to be 100% clear.

It's not a one-off mistake that bothers me, it's the fact that this is how discussions on here so often go that putting in the effort to discuss things productively often feels wasted.

Another example of this that... if you go through my #society tag, you will see a lot of uncertainly in my phrasing. You will see me say a lot of "it seems like we should..." and "we should find some mechanism to..." and so on and so forth. Why? Because, as I've mentioned before, I've gotten a lot out of political discourse on here. When it's good, I actually find it quite good. But it's good when it has a constructive or collaborative tone, when I am bouncing ideas or thoughts back and forth with someone. Generally I am trying to invite this kind of discourse.

Sometimes, again, I say it really explicitly. I don't have them off the top of my head, but I know there are quite a lot of #society posts where I've said something quite straightforwardly to the effect of "here are some niche social/political issues I've been contemplating, does anyone have any ideas for how to respond to them". Obviously there's a spectrum in how explicit I am about this, but even when I'm really clear, most of the responses I get are still "discoursebrained", in the sense that they seem antagonistic and generally more interested in saying "X guys are cool and Y guys are lame" than in productively engaging with a set of ideas.

Even if you disagree with my claims or my premises, there is a way to state that which adds to a conversation instead of shutting down a line of inquiry. I am always trying to invite this type of mutually-productive discussion, and I so rarely achieve it.

Over the years my methods have changed. I come from a background of like, forums for specific nerd interests. Those places are plenty contentious, full of plenty of drama and disagreement. But ultimately, I always still felt that productive discussion was valued above destructive discussion; that because we were all united in a common goal of [doing our nerdy hobby], a comment where you build on someone's idea to say something useful to others or to introduce a new insight was generally valued above one where you just said "you're wrong for such and such reasons, hah!" or even "you're right for such and such reasons".

Coming from this background, I assumed this would also be the case on tumblr, and that I would not have to put in any extra effort to invite this sort of discourse. Alas, this was not true; even long and thought-out replies from respected discoursers often just amount to "here are the guys I agree with and here are the guys I disagree with, for such and such reasons". This is lame and boring and not appealing to me.

So over the years I've tried to be more and more explicit about what types of discussion I am trying to have, I've tried to tee up the sort of interactions I want as much as possible, but it hasn't really worked.

The problem is not strictly the quality or measuredness of the responses or their tone or anything like that. These are the things most people focus on when they critique the discourse, but I think they miss the point. The problem is that most responses don't seem to be intended to advance a mutually-productive discussion, they don't build on the base of what they are responding to, they just make various assertions and statements of allegiance in the vicinity of the material they are responding to and call it a day.

Maybe this is too harsh. I'm sure I do this too. And it's not always bad. Sometimes I use someone else's post openly as a jumping off point to elaborate my own ideas (although I try to be careful about this, and also make it somewhat clear that I am doing it), and this can be productive. I do actually want to hear people's ideas. It's not any single instance of these things I'm complaining about, it's just that discoursey responses seem to drown out all other types of discussion, even when you are really clear about what type of discussion you are trying to have.

So that's my complaint.

[justaghostingon]

Is it wrong to date a guy from an enemy faction when your country doesn’t exist anymore? Asking for a friend

A kaebedo au in which kaeya lives in a spy drama and albedo in a sitcom

Note: Minor spoilers for some lore from Pernhari lore books

Given what we now know about how the crimson moon dynasty came before the eclipse dynasty and was more focused on alchemy, i would like to submit a theory that albedo is from the crimson moon faction

His master rhinedottr is famous for her alchemy after all, and he followed in her footsteps.

Not that these factions mean much to albedo, k’hanriah is long gone, and there is so much more in the world to discover

But Kaeya! Kaeya was sent as a spy by the k’hanrians who haven’t given up yet, they still have hope and cling to old traditions.

They served the dynasty of eclipse, of course the differences between crimson moon and exclipse matter to them

Especially if i go out on a limb and theorize the crimson moon had something to do with the fall of k’hanriah. Like a revolt or political infighting. Side eyes “the exclipse was swallowed by the crimson moon”

So it makes sense why neither kaeya nor albedo were aware that they’d meet another k’hanrian in mondstat, much less another captain in the knights

Kaeya spends a day in agony, fully expecting albedo to jump him and make kaeya follow some new “mission” or something

That is until albedo mentions alchemy, specifically kemia. The pride of the crimson moon’s alchemists.

Combined with albedo’s seeming lack of knowledge as to who kaeya is, this can only mean one thing.

Albedo isn’t a spy from eclipse here to get Kaeya back on track. He’s a spy from crimson moon here to do the same thing as kaeya!

Naturally kaeya can’t let an enemy spy get to close to mondstat! Especially since they might not be friendly like him!

Plus he’s grown up on stories that blame the crimson moon for k’hanriah’s fall. (Also the gods and abyss, but come on, we all know the rival political faction was the real enemy here) he does not want that to happen to mondstat

So kaeya decides to get close to albedo, feel him out and see what his intentions are, and dispose of him if he needs to.

Unfortunately for him, a wrench is thrown in his plans in the form of Klee. Sweet, loveable klee who adores her big brother albedo so much, and would definitely cry if he were to suddenly vanish, and he just couldn’t do that ot her (also there is an all powerful witch who will definitely destroy mondstat if they make her precious daughter cry)

Now kaeya must find other ways to handle mond’s latest ticking time bomb and figure out his secrets, all while trying to ignore how those eyes make his heart skip a beat (from fear, he lies to himself)

Meanwhile, albedo clocks kaeya as a k’hanrian from the eclipse faction the moment he saw him. Given how it was all over kaeya’s clothes, he thought this was intentional.

And sure, kaeya never talks about his homeland, or his people before mondstat, but given everything that went down its probably a sore spot. No one else brings it up ir comments on his heritage so albedo just assumes everyone knows and no one talks about it out of respect for kaeya, and some other illusive social cue.

So when kaeya starts getting close to albedo, with his signature flirty moves, albedo does not think this has anything to do with crimson moon vs eclipse. He thinks this is just kaeya trying to get to know the new captain

Maybe he’s curious about alchemy?

So he shows off a few cool potions to a wide eyes kaeya

Kaeya internally: is this a threat?

Albedo internally: i am winning at social interaction 😁

Albedo figured kaeya would get bored of him soon enough, when he realized that albedo’s job of alchemy is a lot more math and a lot less cool explosions.

But when kaeya sticks around, asking questions about albedo’s past, befriending klee, expressing curiousity in what exactly his potions can be used for, albedo starts to get suspicious

It’s not the alchemy itself. Albedo offered to teach kaeya some small potions and kaeya all but leapt away in his haste to refuse (those childhood stories of “touch alchemy and u die” realy stuck with him)

So he goes to sucrose and timeaus and asks them.

Sucrose is equally baffled, wonders if maybe kaeya just really likes chopping up ingredients

Albedo: hmm. He does do it everytime i ask…

Timeus: oh my archons, kaeya has a crush on you.

Albedo decides to test both theories. He stops letting kaeya cut his ingredients, but that doesn’t deter him. So he checks to see if Kaeya is attracted to him

By silently crowding close to kaeya to hear if his heart speeds up

Kaeya meanwhile, has a stone faced alchemist pushing him into a wall, is absolutely thinking he’s about to be murdered (and that it’s hot)

Albedo notices the speed up. Ahh so he does like me.

Kaeya: i have to go now! Proceeds to rush out the door.

Albedo is confused. If kaeya likes him, why is he running?

He asks timeus and sucrose. Sucrose offers to stalk him for a while to find out why. Timeus replies that albedo was “too forward” and that people like “to be chased”

Albedo, chasing kaeya: is this what u want?

Kaeya: oh god he’s gonna kill me!

The method that albedo picks to woo Kaeya is to offer him a fancy lunch he cooked, complete with a traditional khanrian delicacy: the spider sandwich.

Kaeya does not enjoy this, his mind running wild trying to figure out what albedo is trying to say to him by feeding him spiders.

Albedo decides he can’t trust Rhinedottr’s ideas of “traditional delicacies” (who knew her spider sandwich wasn’t normal?)

So he turns to sucrose, who has been stalking kaeya. She proposes a date that she has gathered from her research: take him drinking.

Now if albedo had started with this, it probably would have gonne much easier for him. But after a week of being stalked, chased, and fed spiders, kaeya’s guard is way up.

He’s convinced this is an attempt to get him drunk to get information out of him. Well good luck with that, kaeya’s no light weight, he’s certain he can drink albedo under the table, and get him talking instead

Albedo is a but hesitant when kaeya suggests a drinking competition, but goes along with it.

The result is a very drunk albedo cuddling up to kaeya and whispering the periodic table seductively in his ear.

Kaeya was not prepared for that. Not at all. He comes back home thinking that the crimson moon really trains their spies to be good at keeping secrets

Albedo comes back to his home confident at a successful first date

Things continue onward in their will they won’t they, until one day kaeya wakes up in bed with albedo, in matching pjs, klee sleeping between them, and realizes that seduction was the crimson moons game all along, and he lost.

But oh well, its not like he’s really following eclipse’s orders anyways. He thinks as he goes back to sleep

The end

[goodluckclove]

Finding Banned Books Online: Actual Resources

Hey, it's me - a version of Clove who is now able to access their anger through means I am not going to delve into on a public space. Hello!

I have continued to get myself very upset over the people who tear apart anyone who makes the vaguest attempt to support, or even provide mixed opinions on the IA lending library. They insist there are so many ways to do this already through resources provided by libraries, but don't actually say any of those solutions.

Because Google is free, right? It's free and definitely still a viable way to easily access information. We all agree Google is normal and reliable, and that people these days actually know how to manipulate search terms in a way that effectively provides information. That's why it's such a great thing to say when people ask questions instead of actually providing information that could easily solve the problem in your favor. Great!

Anyways, I went ahead and did research so I can offer an actual guide to people looking to access - in this case specifically banned books - without the aid of piracy or the Internet Archive. These are programs created by libraries, fully legal, though admittedly not always the easiest to access.

The Palace Project: Banned Books Club

This seems to be the best option I was able to find. It's an app created by the Digital Public Library of America where you can access a variety of digital library archives, including the Banned Books Club. You don't need address or proof of ID - you don't even need your legal name.

You get a digital barcode you can use to access books for about 20 days at a time. They have a vast collection of e-books and audiobooks, as well as a bevy of fiction and nonfiction. Cool!

Brooklyn Public Library: Books UnBanned

If you're a young person in the United States who has their apps monitored, this is another alternative. The Brooklyn Public Library waives out-of-state e-card fees for youth that last a year (You might be able to reapply).

They cover you from 13-21, assuming you can work up the nerve to apply directly by emailing them, or messaging them on their youth-led Instagram account (@bklynfuture).

The Uncensored Library

Are you outside the United States? Do you have a computer that runs Minecraft? This is not technically a way to read Ulysses or The Hate You Give, but The Uncensored Library is a massive world seed dedicated to preserving (I think mainly) journalistic articles covering news in countries where censorship is way more prominent. This is an outlier to my point but it kicks ass and I think it has a place on this list.

There are other options out there like Hoopla, but it looks like a lot of them require an existing library card number. Libby has a nice UI thing that guides you towards the options in making an online library card for a local branch, assuming that's something you are able to do.

This is what I was able to find through about 45 minutes of searching. If someone else has an additional insight I would LOVE to add it. Libraries are working so, so hard to provide as much of a reach as they can, but unfortunately it's difficult to spread awareness without Spreading Awareness, if you know what I mean.

At the same time, if you're a person who is just spouting that these resources exist without either naming what they are and/or acknowledging that there are a small small small handful of options - it definitely seems like you're less interested in sharing information to encourage a positive change, and more invested in looking right and informed.

I spent almost an hour to find two actual sources to share. If I wanted to read a book I didn't have access to, it would be infinitely easier to give up. It is so fucking easy not to make the effort to read a book that could potentially change your life. It's so fucking easy just to not read! So hopefully this helps someone expand their horizons in a meaningful way, or just have better access to a library system that they might not otherwise have!

[lefluoritesys]

Deinfluencing DID? Cool

TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape

Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.

Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.

Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.

We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-

Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."

We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.

We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-

Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j

A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.

We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.

When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.

Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.

We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.

The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.

Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.

Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.

Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.

A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?

One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.

We have a system quote book.

Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.

We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.

We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.

On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.

Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.

We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.

Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.

I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️

-sexual protector

[perfectlovevn]

I do have a question? How come nobody thought to kill Eris before? like don’t get me wrong Eris is hot and everything but if I were in either Milo’s or Ryan’s Position Eris would just have to die Sawwry!

Like, wouldn’t it kinda just, suck? I mean, someone you dated toys with you, plays with and abuses you and abandons you then replaces you, I’d personally be pretty livid tbh! even if they didn’t proceed to gaslight me and manipulate me to their will like??? I know Ryan has presumably caused people to die before. But with everything Eris did, manipulative him abuse him abandon him why didn’t he just swap the drugs out with arsenic?

Then there’s Milo, I get that he’s deluded and in love in every other route, but his actions in the kidnapper route are pretty understandable honestly, IIRC both in the marriage ending and the kidnapping ending Milo is fully aware that Eris used and disposed of Ryan, causing him to act out and yeah that’s kinda fair, Eris is bad, (hot) but I would’ve had them in the dirt if I was in Either of those positions lmaooo 😭😭😭 I’m shocked they really just let Eris live???? (cool game btw)

That is a good question. The answer is mostly plot armor because if Eris dies before the game starts there won’t really be a game lol. And I dunno I think that death would be too good for Eris honestly.

However, I think that Eris always chooses people who can’t oppose them in the end. The choice to choose Milo and compromise him in a bad decision was calculated on their part so it is possible that Ryan also suffered a similar fate. The other reason is I think that killing Eris would be like opening a Pandora’s box. Considering how much Eris seems to plan ahead, it wouldn’t be surprising if they had something terrible that may happen if they were to be killed. It’s like killing a tyrant - the people may be freed but the power vacuum would cause more suffering through wars and trying to reclaim that position. Sometimes you don’t know what was good until you lose it. At least that’s what I think.

I think for Ryan specifically, he knows what kind of person Eris is and is just scared of what might happen to not only him but possibly anyone he might care about. I think Eris might also be able to tell if he did swap it out just by the look on Ryan’s face. They were dating after all so they likely know each other pretty well.

With Milo even besides the fact that, you know, yandere, I think that Eris is usually pretty calculating on how they release information. So anything that can be used against them will be brought back ten fold. If I was cool and clever I would think of what those things might be ( likely finding a way to frame Milo or Ryan on things that they did or otherwise will do), but I am not that cool or calculating so we will just have to use our imaginations.

Other than that, Eris is either really lucky or really strategic in the way that they get people to do what they want. Maybe both, they do say that it’s always the evil people that live the longest.

[cowchickenbeefpork]

How does the craving/yearning correlate to the NPD and BPD for Oswald and Edward? Mostly curious for your thoughts about it

tbh that tag was me going insane I don't fully agree with it now per se. I don't like the original post I made where I compared them to yearning and craving because I compared their relationship to that instead of who they are as people, which was my thought process. I'm not sure if I was right about yearning and borderline idealization, but i do think i was right about craving and narcissism (btw I only made that post because i was watching Contrapoints video about the fucking TWILIGHT books, and since i have the intelligence of a mere banana I connected her opinions on yearning and craving back to nygmobblepot and mental disorders because that is how I show my appreciation to anything I find cool. keep in mind the definition I am using here is stolen from her and she took notes from Shakespeare, Taylor Swift, twilight as previously mentioned, and SEINFELD FOR HER THOUGHTS. Still, she is a great YouTuber go watch her she is one of my favorites.)

what I'm considering craving as definition wise is a desire that can be satisfied but only for a moment, constantly needing to be refilled. its like craving drinking or eating, it will satisfy you but you will constantly need to do it over and over and over in your life, it can be fulfilled unlike yearning but never for long, you will always need to refill it since it will never stick. craving is also less personal than yearning since it doesn't acknowledge something is deeply missing, it provides a temporary solution for something that will which makes craving end up resembling more so something like lust instead of limerence

i view narcissistic supply similarly to this. narcissism as a disorder is just trying to keep your false self up, it can be satisfied for a while but it will always still need to be refilled because of the fact its not a genuine love for yourself. narcissism is like having an addiction to feeling special in a way, that's why the craving for admiration never stops, because since they don't naturally feel content about themselves, narcissism as a coping mechanism works as tricking both the self and others that false, idealized self is real. the craving itself is a cope to hide the yearning in a way, the craving here only exists because of a deeper deficit. edward is not aware that he yearns for love and admiration, he thinks that he can just get a bit of it and be content forever, but he wont. ( fun fact the false grandiose self is actually the main difference in bpd and npd, they do have alot of simliarties like projection and splitting and a want for admiration and love but borderlines dont have that false idealized grandiose self unless they also have npd on top of their bpd. this is probablyyyy why borderlines are more easier to maniuplate since narcissistic defendses are stronger and more durable than borderline ones, there is a reason borderlines often split on themselves while narcissists don't that much)

yearning is wanting your other half, it's wanting to inherently fill out that incomplete part of yourself. You could make a connection between BPD and yearning since things like idealization and chronic feelings of emptiness but I feel less confident in this one. the yearning will also never be fulfilled just like the craving is, Oswald thinks that he will feel fine when he finally gets it but his idea of love is idealized. That version of love he craves does not exist since love requires effort and work, and even if it did he would still fail at it because of his cannibalistic nature when it comes to love, nothing is enough for him, he will hold unto someone until their bones break. that cannibalistic desire ends up becoming similar to the craving in my head a little, because nothing will be enough. he also uses people to bring himself up ego but doesn't want to reflect on how his actions are selfish, pretty much downplaying or playing victim about it and acting like he is not as bad as the other criminals are ( both of them do this, to be honest, I would say it is different but not really besides which one plays up the other as a irrational fool more than a malicious monster out to get them and vise versa, they devalue and demonize each other in the same ways; both feel like the other just lied about ever caring for them)

basically what I am getting at here is ed thinks that he can just get his needs met if he does things that will only satisfy him temporally ( since he's a "cold logician MY ASS) and will not stop the constant, unaware yearning for genuine love while Oswald thinks he will be satisfied if he gets that, when he won't, he will want more and more until there is nothing left but bones. Oswald thinks his desire could be fulfilled perfectly if he just met the right person but no one will satisfy that hunger, he pretends he does not crave like Edward does but he still does. both of them have the same problems but both of them try to hide them differently and express them differently, edward is more ashamed looking like he is irrational and Oswald is more ashamed of being SEEN as a monster. ( neither of them like being viewed like that but both of them clearly have a preference for a different insult, edward just convinces himself that they are basically just ants who don't know better and oswald goes by a more the ends justify the means approach, edward does want to be loved and admired but he thinks that is not possible in the more traditional oswald way, so he does a bunch of crime shit instead to prove how smart he is and to get that love and admiration)

edward has the same yearning as Oswald but he pretends he doesn't, Oswald has the same craves as edward does but pretends he doesn't

[metanarrates]

i have a lot of mixed feelings regarding trans headcanons in orv, or in general in fandom spaces because of how often its taking transmisogynistic jokes and bending them to actually have a cool and awesome meaning instead of just reading fiction with transgender characters. how do you feel about this as an everyone in orv is transfem poster (not accusatory tone i am genuinely wondering your take on this)

I think it's complicated because i Do agree that most trans headcanons in fandom are rooted in transphobic ideas, especially when it comes to transfem characters. I actually personally wouldn't trust most people who headcanon characters as trans unless they're able to point out when something in the text is transmisogynistic. and orv does have transmisogynistic stuff in it. the whole joke with nirvana and the entire scene with the pink kids is based around transfems being predators and men in disguise. I really don't want to hang around other orv fans unless they're able to point that out. (also, i would Definitely not trust anyone who refers to those characters as trans icons or whatever.)

I'll also fully admit that I don't remember the revolutionary arc all that well. at the time when I first read it, I just simply assumed that jang hayoung was meant to be a trans woman, and any issues kim dokja had with recognizing her gender was interesting because of how it tied into the metafictional elements about how characters can change beyond a reader's perception. from my recollection, and from the readings of other people in my life who have read the novel, it seemed canon that she was intentionally transfem. similarly, I felt like the plot point of "yoo joonghyuk has a female alter ego" was taken pretty seriously, rather than being a meanspirited joke. if I'm not remembering that right, though, please let me know.

orv in general has a problem in depictions of lgbt people. there's the abovementioned transmisogyny with nirvana and the pink kids, and there's also the undeniable fact that "kim dokja and yoo joonghyuk are gay but haha Not Actually" is leaned on a little bit too much as a joke. I have a similarly complicated relationship to the idea of shipping them for that reason - I think their relationship is meaningful and rich, but I really dislike that the fandom seems to just take that joke as an uncritical BL trope, rather than discussing how it's sometimes a bit homophobic. again, I don't trust joongdok shippers who aren't able to discuss this.

at the same time, though, I do think that if you're aware of the problems in the text, it's possible to construct a lot of rich meaning out of applying queer lenses to the text. there's a lot to dig into regarding how the story depicts gender, for example, and how it depicts transcendence and self-actualization. you can't credit the authors here - like I said, their writing has several issues with lgbt people. but as long as you aren't advertising the story as Queer Fiction, I find that it's extremely valuable to discuss how a trans reading might cast an interesting light onto a character. and on a more personal level, I think having these sorts of open discussions about both the problems and merits of trans readings, as well as the issues present in a text, do tend to make a lot of trans people feel more welcome in fan spaces. both are necessary for making a story and space that may be hostile towards them feel more welcoming.

yes, I do agree that it would probably be better to read fiction with better trans characters. those stories are out there! this is also why I am wary to praise singshong for jang hayoung's character - I don't think orv exactly Deserves a reputation as a trans inclusive story, especially when there's a lot more of those that are much better at it out there.

but at the end of the day, there are going to be trans people who do like orv, all the same. I'm one of them, though I will say upfront that I am tme and therefore much less affected by the story's problems. my fiancee is transfem and she likes it. a lot of my mutuals who like orv are trans. I don't think it's such a bad thing that we've constructed these community readings in a work we already liked for its other merits. we're going to be here anyway. as long as we do our best to be respectful and point out problems as they arise, I think it's a good thing that we're having these sorts of discussions.

[cherrylng]

2004 Absolution Interview - Matthew Bellamy [CROSSBEAT Muse Special Book]

"The music that I find the most emotional is the music written by the 19th century Romantic composers, and that's one of the pieces of music that has influenced us the most."

Interview from 2004, in which he [Matthew] talks about Muse's core = emotion. Interview with Hidefumi Harima

You are making and playing very emotional music with Muse now, but when was the first time you felt an uncontrollable emotion welling up inside you? 「Hmmm…… I think it was probably when I started thinking about playing music. I felt that desire to bring something inside of me to the surface. I think I was 12 or 13 or something like that. That was when I first picked up a guitar and I also played a bit of piano. That's when I realised that there was a feeling inside me that I hadn't felt before. I also realised that even when I was playing simple music, I was very focused, and I was aware that my life was being projected onto it. It was a very simple, very pure emotion. That's how I got into music.」

Are you a very emotional person in everyday life? 「Yes, I am (laughs). I think the music reflects in some way what I experience in my life. It could be an event, or a lot of different events. There are hopes and fears from the past, in a positive way.」

However, it's not as intrusive as Muse's music, is it? 「Haha (laughs). I think music is a projection of what's going on inside me. Not just what you can see from the outside. For example, an argument with your girlfriend, or the fear you felt at something you saw on the news - the things we hold inside are very complex, aren't they? You can't always see it from the outside. Maybe what's inside me isn't always linked to my life. That's why I like music, and I guess my deep inner life, which is invisible in my everyday life, corresponds with music.」

Why do you think you can express your emotions so freely in music? 「I think it just comes naturally. I don't consciously try to put something into it. Both music and emotion can't exist without the other. My music exists because of my emotion, and in a way, my emotion exists because of my music. If it wasn't for the music, I might not have even realised that my emotions existed. I guess music breathes life into it and makes you realise that emotions exist.」

What is it about Muse's music that appeals and resonates so much with the listener, that it makes some people cry because of their emotions? 「Especially with the last album, we didn't hesitate to show a different side of ourselves. We didn't hesitate to express a very simple, positive hope, or the opposite. Bands nowadays tend to show only one side of themselves, the side they think is cool or fashionable. But we want to be more open and show different sides. Even if it's an uncool side. And I think people can relate to the side of you that you might be a bit embarrassed about. We want to express that 'something' through our music, especially the 'something' that society wants to hide.」

You are a very technical player, whether on guitar or piano. Do you need a certain amount of technique in order to fully express your inner emotions? 「Some of our songs don't need any technique at all. And some of the songs are not well constructed, they're just a bit of a mess. But I don't think it's a bad thing to have technique. For example, if you want to express a grand emotion in a song, you need technique. If you don't have technique, you're limited in what you can do. Of course I like both technical music and non-technical music. But when it comes to expressing emotion, which is the opposite of physical expression, I think you need technique.」

Jimi Hendrix and Tom Morello are your guitar heroes, but do you have anyone in the non-rock genre? 「I like Villa-Lobos (Heitor Villa-Lobos: a highly eclectic Brazilian classical musician who was also influenced by European music) and some very unusual composers from the early 20th century. Jazz is…… It's not guitar, because I don't know much about jazz guitar. For blues, I like Bob (Robert) Johnson and …. If it's piano, then Ray Charles or Nina Simone.」

"If you want to express a grand emotion in a song, you still need technique."

On stage you're exploding with emotion, but at the same time you're also playing difficult guitar parts. How do you strike a balance between letting yourself get carried away with the excitement and playing calmly? 「The music I find the most emotional is the music written by the 19th century Romantic composers - Rachmaninoff, Debussy, Liszt, Berlioz - composers who were technically geniuses, yet still expressed their emotions to the fullest extent. And I would say it's one of the most influential influences on our music. If you look back at the history of pop music over the last 40-50 years, it's a combination that's hard to come by. It's technical and emotional music. A lot of emotional music is rough and simple. On the other hand, technical music is always progressive and not very emotional. So we wanted to be in between the two, and we wanted to do something that had never been done before. But our technique doesn't compare to the jazz and classical people…… They are ten times better than us. We are, well…… We're just good for rock (laughs). I've done it.」

Does your music make you cry? 「Hmmm (laughs)…… I don't know. …… I don't think so. Sometimes when I play music I reach a point where I transcend the act of crying. I think crying happens when you still have a clear awareness of yourself, but when you're playing music it can feel like even that awareness has slipped away. Sometimes when I'm on stage I get a feeling similar to crying…… It's more like a feeling of rapture, like being overwhelmed…… It's more like that. It's the opposite of crying.」

Do you ever lose control of your emotions? 「There are times when I play music and I feel like I'm going overboard. Not just when I'm playing music, but also when I'm introverted, when I'm playing music all the time and forgetting to eat and sleep, when I can't communicate with people. I've been in that state for about four weeks a couple of times. It's like I can't go about my day-to-day life normally anymore. I don't think it's a bad thing. Also, I often get drunk and can't do what I need to do properly, especially when I'm making an album (laughs).」

(laughs) "Dramatic expression" has the fate that it has to be even more stimulating when the audience gets used to the stimulation. What are your thoughts on this? 「Certainly we make dramatic music, and there's some of that on this album. I think dramatic songs have a certain inevitability of characterisation. Like playing a character in a fictional world, away from the day-to-day life in the normal world. One of the things I wanted to achieve with this album was to show a side of myself that I hadn't shown before, but I don't think it necessarily has to be sadness or joy. It can be a fictional world. 'Apocalypse Please' is a case in point. It's a very exaggerated world, so it's very far from reality, but it exists somewhere in your mind. Maybe it's a moment of upset, maybe it's a moment of fear. That's what that song exaggerates. Other songs with that kind of drama are "Butterflies and Hurricanes" and "Blackout". I think it's good to write about those feelings that you don't remember once they've passed. I think I've learnt a lot from this album, and I hope to use that in the future. But whether it's going to be more dramatic, that depends on how many fictional worlds we incorporate. We're very careful about the balance between the fictional and the real.」

When you're young it's one thing, but as you get older your emotions tend to calm down, so I think it takes both physical and mental strength to continue using "extreme" or " insane" expressions. 「Haha, I see (laughs).」

"Sometimes when I play music, I reach a point where I feel like I've transcended the act of crying."

What about you? Do you still find it hard to imagine yourself no longer being able to express yourself intensely, or only seeking calm comfort? 「I don't know, but I think there's always been a weird contrast in what we do. Song by song, album by album, everything. It's better to have multiple contrasts than to be simply just loud or quiet, or minimal or epic. There are two contrasts on this album, one dramatic and one realistic. It's hard to predict what's going to happen next, but if I get old and slow down and become an old and boring person, I'll probably start making slow, old and boring music (laughs).」

When you're making a kind of excessive music, are you going for that kind of thing from the stage of writing the melody? 「We basically write the song first, but we have an immediate instinct about what it's going to sound like. For example, 'Apocalypse Please' was written from the piano part, and the sound of the piano and the chords already took me into a fantasy world. So it's all about how it sounds. And then I write the lyrics according to what emotions are contained in it. So both piano and guitar are essential to songwriting. It develops into a wide range of soundscapes and gives me new ideas. Simple, straightforward chords open up a warm landscape, while complex, epic chords open up a fantasy world that you wouldn't normally think of.」

I see. Good expressions are often so awesome and extreme that you can't help but laugh, and I think Muse's music has some of that in it. What are your own thoughts on this? 「When I pursue music, I find myself going in…… I think it goes in a grandiose and fantastic direction. Like the Flaming Lips. Stuffed bears on stage, big balloons popping up. I like that kind of direction, like going back to my childhood (laughs). I don't know if we'd do something like that now, but I can see why the Flaming Lips did it. That's what happens when you're confronted with lyrics that are ultimately emotional. When you simplify it, you're going back to your childhood, I suppose.」

Have there been times when you've listened to or watched something you've done and laughed at the excessively dense expression? 「Well, I think it happens all the time (explosive laughter). When I'm making an album, I'm so focused on not making mistakes and playing better that I can't really listen to it objectively until much later. I can also watch live shows on video after I've forgotten all about them, so I can look at them objectively. It's quite interesting when you do that (laughs).」

Then, please comment on artists who express themselves in such extreme ways. First of all, Freddie Mercury of Queen. 「(laughs) He's great. He did comedy on the ground, you know. I think he's the one who's done the bicycle songs ("Bicycle Race") and the big-ass songs ("Fat Bottomed Girl") with the musical excesses, and he's the one who's done the real comedy. I respect him a lot. Because he did it without any shame. He did a lot of things that I would have been too embarrassed to do (laughs).」

Indeed. Marilyn Manson is next. 「He's…… He's not showing all the sides that he has. Basically, he's just showing a certain side of himself. He's only showing a certain twisted side, a dark fictional world that he has, that's all he's showing. And I think he's always conscious of trying to take himself in a serious direction. He's a good artist. Especially when he does something like that, there's probably no one else who can do it right. But I don't think he's going to get any wider than that.」

Then there's Slipknot. 「(Laughs) They only show one side of themselves too. That's fine up to about three songs, but if you listen to any more than that you get bored.」

It must be difficult to keep releasing as much emotion as possible every night on a long, gruelling tour, is there anything you do to avoid that? 「The secret is, when we make music, we try to create clues that naturally draw something out of us. When we make music, we always try to make something that makes us feel something. The music has to move me, it has to release my emotions. There are some of our older songs that don't work, but we don't play them anymore. All the songs we play live are the ones that just sound like the song itself.」

Who are some of the artists that you feel are as good or better than you in terms of "emotion"? 「I think the Flaming Lips are more emotional than us. Jeff Buckley's 'Grace' is amazing on that album, not to mention the others (laughs). The rest is…… that's right. For composers, I'd say Rachmaninoff. My girlfriend studies psychology and she has a list of the psychological states of artists from all over the world (laughs), and all my favourite artists are in the same category. Wagner, Rachmaninoff, Liszt, Tchaikovsky, Debussy all seem to have multiple personalities (laughs).」

I see (laughs). What do you think about that yourself? 「(laughs) I don't think I'm one of them. Because they are real geniuses. At best I can understand something of their inner life. I don't think they have any mental illness. Maybe a little bit…… Maybe (laughs).」

COLUMN Matthew Bellamy's pick of the five most emotional albums

1. 'Simon & Garfunkel Greatest Hits' (1972) Simon & Garfunkel 2. 'Grace' (1994) Jeff Buckley 3. 'I Put A Spell On You' (1965) Nina Simone 4. 'Incesticide' (1992) Nirvana 5. 'A Night at the Opera' (1975) Queen

(1) It's very emotional. I first heard Simon & Garfunkel when I saw the film 'The Graduate', and I think the song portrays the emotions of the characters. I love that film and have seen it many times. The music is linked to the emotions of the teenagers as they grow up.

(2) It's very pure and the production is perfect. The performances capture it at its best.

(3) It's like a protest song, with a lot of bare emotion. I heard she wasn't a very nice person (laughs). I don't know her personally (laughs), but she was a hard person to get on with. I guess she was the type of person who projected her emotional self directly into her music.

(4) This work shows that it was made by someone who committed suicide. You can feel it from the music, but also in the lyrics there are frequent references to suicide. Words like 'lost purpose' and 'emotionless' also appear. That's a kind of emotion too.

(5) This is also a completely different kind of emotion. It's an unusual world of experimentation, as if something that had been suppressed for a long time had finally exploded and created a fantasy world. It's like Freddie's sexuality had been suppressed for so long that it exploded. But it was something that wasn't really socially acceptable to be open about in the first place.

Translator's Note: Just one more interview and we're basically done reading through this special booklet.

[queer-crusader]

One of the more difficult things for me in realising I may in fact be autistic, is the facing of old insecurities. I mean, I've been a weird kid who's socially awkward all my life. The signs have always been there. I've been lucky with a caring family that has accommodated for a lot of the struggles I might have faced, which means I didn't really face them head-on and was never really held back that much by them - and thus not very actively aware of them. Yes, my social development was a little different, a little slower. But in the end, I really grew into my own in my college years. I learned how to interact with people more easily, I came out of my shell. Then, after uni, I got a call centre job, and structural communication became so integral to that work that I became almost an expert on how to communicate easily and clearly (maybe more than almost - I'm a coach, now training others in communication, and I'm good at it!). Reading people was something I'd developed in acting class and through my writing skill that I'd worked on over the years, and now I can bring it to much more effective fruition with the training from work. After all those awkward teen years, I finally have a good grade in Communication, something easy to want and possible to achieve!

And then the realisation slips in that I do get socially overwhelmed and need my "crotchety old man in his rocking chair shouting 'get off my lawn'" time to chill by myself. That I crave structure, despite my love of chaos. That I do still say stuff that can be considered weird or awkward, and that I am sometimes unaware of this in the moment, despite my developed ability to read a room and adapt to it. And that the way I was all those years, both as a little kid and a teen, was FULL of signs of autism that I just missed.

And like, all of that is fine. No-one can be perfect at human interaction. But when you're at a point that you feel comfortable in your social skills in a way that makes you feel normal and confident, it almost feels like it's always been that way. You remember being awkward as a teen, but it also feels like you're at a normal point now, and the skills you've developed have come naturally over time. Thus, you must be Normal™ and Good At Social™.

Except... Well. I'm pretty sure I am some flavour of autistic. The skills I've developed have come later than they might for others, and have been hard-fought to gain. I'm okay with not being normal, I'm also fairly sure I have a flavour of ADHD. I get passionate about things others might not, in ways others might not. I get energy from specific things and struggle with menial tasks others do with minimal effort or grumbling. That's cool. I have coping mechanisms that develop all the time. I like being me. Love it, even.

But I was PROUD to be Socially Competent, you know? And I still am socially competent. But now I see the layer beneath the end ("end") result with more clarity. The insecurity about not being socially competent. The rocky foundations. The extensive work to build me up to where I am.

I hated being socially awkward as a kid. I was an outcast, and the people I DID manage to hang out with were even bigger outcasts. I wasn't bullied per se, but I just. Never fit in. Never felt socially fully happy or fulfilled. Not until after secondary school. And that insecurity is still there. The reminder of that awkward time is there in the foundations of the work done to be where I am today.

And now, with my realisation, I'm looking under the hood to find the absolute mess of cables that keep my engine running. It's a less pretty sight than I want it to be. But I've always been a perfectionist who sets unattainable goals for themselves. I cannot fix the mess that makes up the foundation of me, I can only learn to accept it and keep developing and strengthening myself. That is a lifelong project. But I'll get there.

Eventually.

Hopefully.

[this-thing-saved-me]

This Show Saved Me - BTVS 7x22

7x22 Chosen

I will never not find it funny that to stream Buffy I have to go to Disney+. Or the fact that the most recent episode I’d watched (whenever that was) was this one. Since I’m pretty sure I left my rewatch mid-season 3.

But that’s the thing about this particular episode. It’s practically a perfect finale. And felt like the right place to start, because who says everything should happen in order. That’s not always how life works. 

THERE WILL LIKELY BE ABUNDANT SPOILERS FOR A FINALE THAT AIRED OVER TWENTY YEARS AGO. There, that was your warning. And now for some Cole's notes “Story so far.”

Okay, so Buffy’s been through it by this point. The First has annihilated her self-confidence and Caleb has been on the warpath. Spike has told her she’s the one (!!!), whether she fully believes in herself yet or not. (SIDENOTE: yes, I ship Spuffy. Yes, there are very, very valid reasons not to. However I am a big fan of redemption arcs and where they land by the end of the comics feels like as healthy a place as possible with a very real love.)

And Angel shows up trying to be all tall-dark and forehead. Which I get, he’s Angel, he needs to be in the finale. But ultimately he's a delivery boy and he didn’t need to do it in person other than to prompt the first on my list of loves for this episode. 

Which is what I lovingly refer to as the "Cookie Speech." Buffy knows she has more growing to do and she’s self-aware enough to share that with the first love of her life. She’s come a long way from the season of post-resurrection depression, but she’s still not quite ready for what Angel might like her to be (granted he’s JUST lost Cordelia so the fact that he is back at Buffy’s door is a rant for another post.) The idea that things aren’t working for her romantically because she’s not done baking. She hasn’t figured out all that she wants to be. While I love love LOVE this analogy, I wonder if there’s ever really a time in our lives where we are done baking? Besides the end of course. We’re supposed to evolve. We’re supposed to grow.

Spike is her Champion, not Angel. They’ve seen the best and the worst of each other, remember? He knows she needs someone strong, someone with a soul, and despite the bad, she knows he’s earned the right to the title through growing and atoning. Motivated people can change, and that’s something I believe that Spike has shown.

“He had to split” - the joke is LHF and I love it. Does its utterance deserve a place on this list? Yes. Because it's very me-coded. I’d have a very hard time not making the same joke if I had just rendered a man from stem to stern. But I digress. This episode is serious and still silly. It’s the epitome of BTVS episodes. I mean Spike waking from a dream yelling “I’m drowning in Cool Whip,” come on. It’s akin to “the cheese wears me” in off kilter nonsense. Plus Anya later finding her strength in her hatred for "floppy, hoppy bunnies" will never not kill me. (Or her, again spoiler.) I adore Emma Caufield.

Willow is afraid to use magic because of her history with the darkness. Not knowing if she’s stable enough. I can identify with her at this moment after clawing back from my own mental health blip a couple years ago. She went dark. (I went, arguably, nuts) She’s regained her balance but how secure? It’s going to turn out to be really secure because “Oh my goddess” she’s got this. AND…

The fact that Kennedy is there for Willow to help keep her grounded. Her very presence supports Willow but isn’t the deciding factor for victory. Willow needs to believe in herself that she won’t go back over that edge. She touched the darkness and it freaked her the f out. (Once she came back down from the overwhelm and shock of her grief.) I lived in that fear for a long time. And I’m grateful for the grounding I’ve found outside of the support of others, but within myself.

Just for fun, let’s chat about the DND session. Even the scoobies needed to disassociate before the big thing. And self-permission to have fun during challenging times is key. It can’t all be doom and gloom. Sometimes you recharge that nervous energy through Trogdor the Burninator references and that’s more than okay.

Ultimately we have the’ shared power’ speech. “Here’s the part where you make a choice” more specifically. Because they could easily choose to let the First and its legions overwhelm the world and finally be the apocalypse they couldn’t handle. It’s easier to stay down. It’s easier to say I can’t. But where does that get you? Making that choice to take your power back and say I am more than what wants to overwhelm me is a beautiful moment. This moment, where all the Potentials get their piece of the power pie is tremendously moving. I get shivers just thinking about it. Male or female, we don’t need the permission of Slayer power to take back our own. To say ‘no more’ and get back up off the ground. (Although Slayer strength would be badass, let’s be real.)

The bottom line, this episode epitomises what I love about Buffy and the Whedon-verse. Real characters in a fantastic world who battle larger than life caricatures of the demons we fight in our daily lives. This show saved me in a lot of ways. My very first boyfriend got me to watch it back in 2005, which he may have regretted as it CONSUMED my brain for most of grade 12. It was the perfect time for me to experience this show. I credit it for helping me find my voice offline. I was always a nose-in-a-book girl or heavily distracted with FanFiction. I was one of the quietest in my friend group, not really feeling like there was a value to what I had to say. The message that we can choose to be strong and fight back? That’s one that I’ll eternally be grateful for and will carry with me, always. What’s your favourite episode? And why is it “Once More With Feeling”? ;)

(Honourable mention goes to this eye contact where my headcanon is convinced he sees she really does love him despite him telling her otherwise seconds before. THOSE SMG EYES! I can't.)