#I feel better having a diagnosis but it’s kind of annoying to have to use my weekends for recovery days >.<

[faeriexqueen]

I’ve posted a few things sporadically in chapter notes and a few Tumblr posts on and off, but anyone who follows me has probably been aware I’ve been going through some medical tests/working on getting a diagnosis for some health issues that have gotten significantly worse since December 2022. (More details below the cut.)

After seeing a specialist this week, I finally got a diagnosis and it’s fibromyalgia/central sensitivity syndrome. There’s also overlap of ME/CFS (because of fucking course I would have both and not just one). The specialist I saw actually is speculating I’ve had this since March 2020 when I was sick (provably with COVID), and it’s progressively worsened over the last three years where it’s now impacting day-to-day activities. As of now, I have a phone visit planned with my primary HCP this next Friday to look at what treatments might help, but it could take months to a year or longer to find out what combination offers relief, if any (for those unfamiliar with this condition, there’s no cure). In the meantime, I’m having to just reduce all physical activity and using my weekends to rest/recover so I can function at work throughout the week. Regarding any writing, I’m still doing that when I can since it’s one of the few things that offers me any mental/emotional relief. I might be a little slower since this whole thing has impacted my focus/cognitive functioning, but am still working on Songbirds in Winter and am working on a few fics for Yulma Week 2023 as my focus for Camp NaNo. I’ll still be on Tumblr, but just might be slow to reply to messages/asks for anyone who sends them. ^^;

[ghostr0tz]

I would very much like to hear your Vox headcanons

Takes a deep breath before opening my mouth cartoonishly wide.

Definitely was disabled during life but probably hid it pretty well. I feel like Vox was sick a lot growing up.

Having a body thats both mechanical AND flesh? Yeah that sounds like an actual nightmare to live.

The only upside is Vox using his electricity for weird electrotherapy. And sometimes he gets annoyed and overdoes it when he doesnt immedietly feel better.

Vox makes his own aids and equipment, and deals with most of his health issues by himself too unless its too bad.

Makes sure his aids are at least stylish in the VoxTek branding. But he doesnt sell them probably. Those are his. Made for himself.

Probably has arthritis and definitely Hypermobile and generally his body just HATES him tbh. Maybe EDS or even POTS. Chronic migraines too (you would too if you had a screen for a head!!!!!) Doesnt have a pinpointed diagnosis though. Vox just sort of Deals with his symptoms.

He didnt start having as much chronic pain until he really started focusing on upgrading himself and everything etc.

Hmmm....I feel like Alastor has arthritis so it was one of the things they bonded over when he were on good terms

I feel like it wasnt the root cause when he was alive but polio WAS kinda ....a thing...that was going on..

Teleports any chance he can get over walking long distances.

He wouldnt consider himself housebound but he kind of is? Not in a traditional sense, its more out of choice. He never really leaves the V tower unless he has to. Lives there, brought his work there so he didnt have to leave, literally moved his closest friends in, and then moved THEIR work in. Why would he leave he has everytbing he'd want.

Thats not even a headcanon Vox just. Did that.

I feel like he gets flare-ups pretty easily. Constantly overworking and getting generally just getting worked up over things (ALASTOR).

Probably prefers crutches and canes over a wheelchair when it comes to mobility aids. I feel he'd feel too short idk. but the idea of him in a wheelchair is very cool to me. Nerdy Evil Supervillian

Okay thats all for now thank you for letting me infodump tehe

[docholligay]

Going through someone's blog and seeing two posts, like...4 days apart ? Of:

Post a: neurotypical people don't understand how much of a struggle it is to listen to them talk about stuff I don't care about :( I wish it was socially acceptable to tell them I'm not interested, ever.

Post b: honestly hurts so much when you can tell someone doesn't care about your special interest. :(

I just want to cup your face and go, "please reread those and let's talk about social kindness"

I did block them, I think I am reaching a friggin... point break over here. I have been weird all my life, I was an EXTREMELY lonely child, and if someone wanted to tell me about their pet lizard I would have died happy, and if they had listened to me talk about the time Kate Harony burned down a barn to get doc out of prison, my tiny child heart would have burst. Like, that's give and take.

I've been trying to express this deep deep SCRATCH of irritation for weeks now, and I think a closer step to it, is... neurotypical, if we believe anyone is, people, also have feelings and needs and preferences. They ALSO get to decide what they can and can't live with.

I have a pretty classic and overwhelming strain of ADHD. Though, I feel less and less like saying the word for it matters, and get closer and closer to identifying as Fucking Weird. My mother is broadly neurotypical. She gets to have her feelings be hurt if I don't want to hear about her and her boyfriend's day at Costco. That's what she did with her day. She wants to tell me. I owe her that if I want to talk about my run, for example. I listen to jetty talk about coding even though I legitimately don't understand. I try and follow along!

I get tired of the idea that you don't ever have to put effort into relationships, and if you do, they aren't good relationships. And this attendant idea that being nice is masking behavior when it's you, but it's just kindness when it's other people doing it.

If it is true that you don't owe anyone anything, then the reverse is also true. No one owes you anything. This is not how I want to live.

There are things I do that are basically harmless: I have a lot of trouble sitting still, I'm twitchy and startle easily, and a million other small things that as it turns out I'm actually not going to mention because I don't like attention being drawn to them and i hate it when people notice, and I know they do.

None of those things really affect other people.

There are also things I do that are anywhere from annoying to harmful: I forget things, I interrupt people,* I sometimes zone out and lose the thread of whatever was going on.

If I love people, and I want them to love me, I have to treat them with that love as much as is possible. If I forget something, and make someone feel rejected, that is true whether or not I can pin a diagnosis to their lives. I hate to say it, but, "treat people as you would like to be treated" is often a very good guideline. Do you want someone to listen to you talk about the video game you really love? Then you should listen to them talk about Crossfit. Or, I guess the secret third option is, maybe you don't want to be friends, but that, too, is a choice.

I've been working with my three year old on conversation, and we've come up with things you can ask people if you'd like to get to know them better. Her current favorites are "What's your favorite animal?" and "what's your favorite color of crayon?" I think these are both great topics for a three year old. I want to teach her that if she wants people to talk to her and be engaged with her, she will have to give them the same.

This is true of everyone. Everyone has feelings. Everyone has interests and thoughts and preferences. I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is to remember that life is a chorus, and none of us are the soloist. We are here for each other. Other people are not your backing vocals.

*this is also a cultural issue, though. I don't actually experience problems with this in some circles.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

CW: addiction, serious illness

Totally done and still sad because I saw Daniel and this stupid girl today I came home after work. Nico wasn’t home yet. I was kind of relieved about that. I wasn't sure, if I should tell him? I mean, nothing happened, but what I said to Daniel today was just not ok! It was totally unfair and selfish.

As soon as I got home, I went for a walk with N.’s dog. Back home I took a shower & I lay down on the bed. I wasn’t feeling so well. I got serv pain in my right knee and my hands also hurt. It bothered me so much, that I had to take a painkiller. After that it slowly got better while I fell asleep.

A little later N. came home. I heard him come up to the bedroom and watch me sleep. Nico has an extraordinary talent for disturbing me while sleeping. No, tbh it's really cute. Every morning before he leaves the house, he comes back to the bedroom to me, while I’m mostly still sleeping. He kisses me and tells me quietly that he loves me. In the beginning I found it hard to get used to. It's annoying to be woken up by him in the morning (5.00 am!) just because he has to kiss me. Yk? It wasn’t until he was gone (abroad), that I realized how much I missed being woken up by him in the morning.🩷 But back to that day, it was not in the morning, but in the evening.

N. saw the painkillers I had taken next to me on the bed, thinking I was sick or something.

Nico: Hey babe.... Are you ok?

Me: M-hm... Yea, I'm ok.... Where were you? I missed you.

Nico: I said good-bye to Damien and the others. They’re going back to Italy tomorrow.

Me: Yea, without you.... You stay here, with me. So happy about that. Right now I need you with me. I've had a really, really bad day N.... And you? How is your new team? Are they nice?

Nico: Agh...well, what can I say? Germans, yk?🤷‍♀️😉 But it was ok and it’s nice to be home, not somewhere alone abroad ..... Did you see Dilek today?

Me: No, she’s sick. She stayed home.

Nico: Are you sick too? I see you’ve taken painkillers.

Me: My knee hurt again. Somehow my whole body hurts, my hands and legs... But I'm fine. 🙂

Nico: You should tell your doc. You are pregnant. Maybe it has something to do with it?

Me: Yea, but don't worry. I know this pain. It's nothing. I’ve had this pain since I was a kid. It comes and goes, but it’s not serious. My muscles and bones are just very sensitive to pain. 🫤

Nico: It’s all right, babe. But if I see you get pain again, I’ll take you to your doc. I don’t want to scare you, you know that! But you don’t hurt for no reason. Sure, it's nothing, but it’s better to get it checked out before you need to take painkillers again.

Me: Chill Nico!! I know you’re afraid I might get addicted to painkillers . But c'mon, N.! It's just ibuprofen. 😄🤷‍♀️My pill addiction is past. I know I was difficult for you back then, but I promise, this won’t happen anymore. Love you.

Nico didn’t worry about my pill addiction, but actually about the pain I had. A few days ago, my knee hurt so badly that I could not walk. I even cried. But after I took a painkiller, it stopped again. That pain I had in my muscles and bones will get really bad after delivery. Not immediately after delivery, a few months later. But I do not want to draw too much attention to this issue now. Later, when the time comes, I will explain this in more detail. These were the first symptoms of a serious illness. Since CML is not so easy to diagnose, it will take a while for me to get the diagnosis.

And about Daniel I didn't tell Nico. I was happy with N. and we’re about to have a Baby, so I decided to somehow forget Daniel and let him go. But something happened that night!😞 Daniel texted me at 1:00 a.m. I’ll see him tomorrow again. 😢

Previous/Next

[painted-bees]

"Lacey and Raf brought out the worst in each other" you mention that they snarked about other people and each other. The sketch of them give bad vibes. Was Raf kind of a dick before he met Lacey? Or did he just act like a dick to impress her?

Hm lmao

Before meeting his Uncle, and before his diagnosis, Raf maintained a very...pessimistic opinion of people, and read a lot of negative things into people's behaviors and words. Largely informed by his experiences throughout his childhood. Typically, he kept his thoughts to himself, unless something really triggered a defensive outburst. He didn't engage in gossip out of fear that it'd be used against him. He believed that he ought to be nice/kind to people--for the sake of appearances, to avoid being talked about behind his back, to win trust, and because he would have liked someone to exercise kindness with him. But he himself could (and often would) find a personal slight against him in anything anyone did around him. And he'd keep track of it for himself. It was a score he tallied only for his own reference, and would affect how he interacted with people.

To anyone who knew him better than an acquaintance (which was to say--not many), undiagnosed Raf was a very quiet, very mercurial sort who could occassionally grow very upset, very suddenly, over seemingly nothing at all. To anyone else, he was a charming glad hander who could work and room and was very entertaining to be around, unless he Didn't Like You. In which case, he'd quietly, subtlely shoulder you out of his life, usually via passive aggressive means.

Then he moved to Vancouver, met his Uncle Bill, realized there was something really very wrong with himself, and reluctantly got his formal diagnosis. Around the same time he was diagnosed, he started dating Lacey.

Him and Lacey got on real fast, largely because Lacey seemed to get him. She had come from similar hardships regarding exploitative, controlling parents, and had bucked against them at a much earlier age. She agreed with Raf that everyone was just out to get their pound of flesh from everyone else, and knowing that--made people exhausting to deal with. The two of them bonded over their similar traumatic experiences and their shared bitter outlooks...and they began finding small validation in sharing their thoughts and observations with each other about the world around them--the thoughts and observations that were mean and cruel, that they had kept to themselves up until they found each other. Thoughts and observations that were often based on vibes and gut feelings more than anything that was actually observable. And they'd agree with eachother's negative verdicts and poor opinions, because it felt good.

But--being with someone who tells you just how poorly they think of everyone else...quickly gets you wondering if they think poorly of you, too. Or, at the very least, it makes you want to ensure that you never do anything to win their negative judgment. Avoiding anything that they deem as stupid or tacky or embarrassing, and so forth.

Anyways, therapy ends up being pretty good for Raf, and over the course of two years, he does start curbing these behaviors and monitoring his thoughts more strictly. And as he does this more and more, Lacey finds him more and more annoying to navigate. Raf begins to take on a more mediating voice when it comes to indulging critical/snarky observations and remarks, and Lacey begins to feel like he's kinda turning on her and growing weird and distant. That, as well as a handful of other things, gets them fighting a lot more...and more passionately. They've always had pretty bombastic yelling matches from time to time, but it becomes a near daily occurrence during the final year of their relationship. By the time they break up, Raf has already decided on the kind of person he wants to be, that he doesn't want his PD to be his personality and has been making steady strides towards that goal.

So to answer your question, I am not really sure! He's mentally ill and has been doing his best this whole time.

For that matter, so is she. But Lace wouldn't receive her diagnosis of BPD until finally seeking therapy to deal with the aftermath of her bitterly traumatic relationship with Raf.

[balanceoflightanddark]

Well... I don't think that Azula hallucinating Ursa is her first hallucination.

Her reaction is slight initial surprise but then she's immeadiatley just ... annoyed. She isn't shocked or freaked out at all. It's like she's used to it. She talks to the hallucination as if it was just another day. Then she smashes the mirror, like she is fully accquainted with the fact that this isn't real.

That's not the reaction of someone who sees and hears their lost mother for the first time. No way.

(Ofc some people don't like to headcannon in this direction of her having long-lasting mental illness and prefer to think it was just a single breakdown. Which I get and is super fine).

Just thought, objectively looking at the scene, there's no freaking way this was her first hallucination.

It looks like she's been dealing with this for quite some time. And surely alone. She couldn't show weakness to Ozai. And I don't think the royal palace is big on mental health.

;

Headcanon that fits this:

Despite Azula's betrayal of Ozai (lying to him, failing him etc.), he still planned to keep using her because... that's what narcissists do. They use you as long as you can be used. And Azula is super useful! Why would he throw her away after all she did for him? When she is still so desperate for his "love"? When she could still be so very useful to him?

He wanted to keep using her, but when he saw Azula starting to "lose her mind", he decided to ditch her.

Iroh: "She's crazy and she needs to go down"

Ozai: "She's crazy... gotta ditch her. (...) Better give her the throne she never wanted so she doesn't kill me. Lmao if she turns on me im dead this bitch has blue fire, killed the avatar and conquered Ba Sing Se. She different. I still can't read maps and fire only comes out when angry"

...okay. Let me just preface this with saying that Ozai's last sentence is hilarious, is completely in-character, and should be framed.

I should also say that...since we're gonna be going into territory which is a bit of a sore subject for myself, whatever I say is not an attempt to tear you down. I do not believe in that and will try to keep this as levelheaded as possible.

With that said, while I certainly respect your opinion on Azula...I still don't believe that she has a mental illness that results in recurring hallucinations. We only have the one scene and there's only so much we can get from that. And I certainly don't think we should base everything we know of a character over their worst and lowest moment. I know because...I was guilty of that with Zuko.

But I digress.

This masterpost belongs to my dear friend @prying-pandora666 who goes into quite a bit of detail concerning Azula and mental health if you're interested. But the crux of it is, when looking at it from the lens of a professional, we don't have any evidence that Azula was mentally ill. Does that mean she wasn't? No. Of course not. It's just we don't have too much onscreen evidence to make a definitive conclusion.

And even if Azula was mentally ill (I don't think she was and was probably suffering from a mental breakdown), one should be careful to make sure it's not overemphasized to the detriment of her upbringing and Ozai's bullshit. After all, even the best kid wouldn't last too long under his parentage without getting SOME kind of trauma.

As for your headcanon, I don't necessarily believe Ozai was aware of Azula's deteriorating mental state. She didn't show any signs of it initially and he left before things got really bad. In this case though, I'd pin the blame more on Ozai's lack of focus on Book 3. Is it possible he saw the signs? Yeah, and I can believe that. Doesn't make him any less of a scumbag for abandoning her. I'd argue it makes him even worse since he left her when she needed him most after years of presenting himself as the only stable adult figure in her life.

And as a quick aside, can please stop using the "crazy and needs to go down" quote as evidence? Eshasz and Greg Baldwin both said that Iroh was in the wrong there for saying that.

...sorry. I have autism which can be constituted as a mental illness, so I get a little bit tender when discussing this. There's nothing inherently wrong with Azula being mentally ill like so many would say and you're completely within your right to believe she is. My personal advice would be to just...be careful is all. Treat Azula as a person instead of a mental illness, never try to give people the wrong idea about mental illnesses or misdiagnosing characters (especially minors) and you'll be fine.

[galwithalibrarycard]

Hello, how r u? Soo, I just discovered love little losers (I was a huge fan on nmtd, but didn't know about lolilo). And I love your blog, thanks for keeping the fandon alive. Argh so, Freddie, does she gets better? Cause she's a little bit annoying. Pedro and Balt, I'm jumping out of my sits for them, the backslash? Really. I'm so excited to see more beadick. Anyway, I just wanna vent, thanks for the blog

I’m good thanks, hope you are too. And thank you! I’m definitely not the only one still here keeping the fandom alive, there’s still a few of us out here, but I appreciate the love! 😁 it’s nice to know people are enjoying my posts still!

We’re actually having a small resurgence in the tags with new people watching both series, which is fun. Those people inspire me to keep posting too, it’s all full circle.

I am… not really sure how to prepare you for lolilo tbh. It’s a loose adaptation of Shakespeare’s Love’s Labors Lost, and it’s a lot heavier and angstier than NMTD for one thing, so be warned. Pedrazar is a very slow burn, be prepared for a journey! I liked Freddie right away bc I relate to her anxious energy, but you might take some time to warm up to her, that’s fair.

I recommend you head to @beatriceeagle and check out the series of Lolilo meta analysis posts she made with her sister a few years back. It’s a show that trades in subtext and has a lot of important stuff go down offscreen. Reading the metas really helps give a more thorough understanding and insight into the characters and why they behave the ways they do. It might help you understand where Freddie’s coming from, and the others too.

As far as Beadick, I’ll tell you they will break your heart, but it will be put back together again. If you need more of them, the missing offscreen moments and development of their relationship are kind of my specialty in terms of fanfiction. I wrote “the world is too quiet without you nearby”, a 16-chapter fanfic covering the time period between NMTD and Lolilo when Bea and Ben are in a long-distance relationship (plenty of fluff to pad the descent into angst). I also wrote “And We Are Finally Home”, a fic that covers the Beadick relationship arc from the lolilo episode “Confrontation” on through the end of the show- and I WILL be finishing and posting the epilogue to that fic as soon as I can, but you can read the chapters that are already up and still get a pretty complete story there. You don’t have to read them, but i wanted to share because I’m proud of them and I think they’re a good companion to the show if you like Team B! Mind the tags, but there shouldn’t be anything in the fics you can’t handle if you can handle the actual show.

The most important thing you might not get from the videos themselves: it’s canon from the creators that Benedick and Freddie and Balthazar are all dealing with anxiety disorders of some kind, though the creators didn’t actually intend to write that going in- it just happened that they agreed with the fandoms interpretation later on. So everything Ben does is colored by anxiety constantly telling him that he’s too much and that no one likes him and the only thing he’s good for is a laugh- and the (false) worry that Bea is getting sick of him and can’t wait to leave on her travels to get away from him. He’s trying to keep people from leaving him. Freddie is the way she is because she’s desperate for control in life, it’s the only way she feels calm. And Balthazar is petrified of confrontation and retreats into himself when he’s stressed. A lot of this is covered in much better depth in the metas I mentioned, but I wanted to let you know. Not as an excuse for any of their actions, but as an explanation that might make it a less frustrating watch.

I hope that answer wasn’t too overwhelming. I am just incapable of being normal about these webseries and especially about Benedick Hobbes (look, you don’t simply forget the character who got you through your own social anxiety diagnosis, and this is the obsessing-over-fictional-characters website. I talk about other things too, I promise! xD)

Anyway, thank *you* for allowing me to share some thoughts right back! I hope you enjoy Lolilo! 😊💖🦩

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey, we're a newly discovered system ("newly" being kinda loose here. its been something ive (🐦) experienced for so long in my(?)* life that i thought it was normal and no one talked about it. and at least a year since properly established contact with another headmate)

we've all been participating in looking up resources and whatnot for this kind of thing bc there's words for this stuff??? and we just never knew???? but im incredibly scared by the sheer size of it all

just earlier today fell into the rabbit-hole of sys-course and it has me doubting everything. again. i frequently worry (and frequently another headmate speaks up and reminds me he can hear my worrying and its lowkey annoying to him LOL) but like. augh.. it tears me apart and makes some of the others nervous too because im so loud about it accidentally

i feel like im faking because i cant remember anything traumatizing (or anything before a specific age range really), we still function as a group fine enough, we're not particularly switchy + are often blurry, and we have really robust communication that almost sounds too good compared to the other experiences we've read.

but on the other hand... i (personally) know roughly when i formed, what of "my" actions were not actually performed by me, tug each other around over control and time management, do understand and feel the change from switching, and just. cant deny this experience. its confusing for me. but just me personally. there are other headmates who don't see any issues and are fully aware and accepting of our multiplicity.

i guess i'd just really like some positivity for alters who are confused and trying to figure things out, even if some of the others seem to have it all down

-🐦

Hi! We’re so sorry that y’all have been dealing with this!

Syscourse is honestly a nightmare. It causes so much stress and anxiety for systems and doesn’t actually help resolve differences or bring the community together. It’s mostly just the same handful of people shouting at each other endlessly, so we’d definitely recommend you and any system avoid it if they can! Involvement in syscourse can absolutely diminish healing and encourage self doubt, and it has the capacity to hurt systems in the long run!

Remember that, while trauma is a requirement for systems with DID and OSDD-1 to form, there’s way more types of plurality than just these! You don’t have to have been traumatized as a child to end up plural. It’s also worth pointing out that these dissociative disorders function by hiding, masking, or disguising trauma. Many people with complex dissociative disorders grow up entirely unaware of their trauma history. We ourselves did not think we were traumatized when we first discovered our system! Since then, however, we’ve learned that we do in fact have tons of trauma to process, along with a CPTSD diagnosis.

If you’d like to learn more about dissociative disorders or plurality in general with hopes of learning more about your system, we definitely recommend checking out our master post of resources! We’re trying to keep it up-to-date with any plural, dissociative disorder, or ptsd recovery content we can find - I’ll link it below!

Finally, we would be more than happy to write a positivity post for confused alters, headmates, and systems. We’ve queued this post for tonight at 8:00PM EST! Please keep your chin up 🐦, we sincerely hope things get better for you soon!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

[newwwwusername]

Hey! I had seen your Breakfast Club fanfics on ao3, and they are great! I was hoping you could do one with a BenderxBrian pair

Ship: BenderxBrian

Headcanons: ADHD!Bender , Autistic!Brian

Prompt: Bender is very self conscious about having ADHD, not wanting anyone to find out about it. When Brian innocently asks a question regarding neurodivergency, Bender gets really mad. Brian tells Bender he’s autistic, and he helps Brian not feel so alone with his ADHD.

Warning : The r-word is used multiple times out of dialogue but from the perspective of an ableist, abusive parent so just keep that in mind Chronology : Post-canon Pairing : Brian/Bender Headcanons : Bender has ADHD, Autistic!Brian, they have math class together, Bender's dad is ableist (although that's hardly a headcanon cause there's no way in hell that man would be NOT ableist) Author's note : I use the term "Asperger's" here because it's more accurate to what Brian probably would've been diagnosed with given the diagnosis, however this is your friendly reminder that Asperger's is, in fact, just an outdated term for part of the Autism spectrum. Similarly, Bender's ADHD is just called ADD here.

When the doctor told Bender he had ADD, he quickly took steps to make sure no one else found out. His dad's reaction to his fuck-up son being a retard on top of everything else was bad enough. He didn't need to get the same treatment from his peers.

He was so careful with this information that when Brian innocently asked him a question about it, he flipped his shit.

"Hey" the blonde had said as he sat next to the other boy during science class. Bender was too surprised by the fact that, of all people, the nerd was talking to him during class that he didn't even manage to get a shitty remark in before the boy continued. "Sorry if this is a bit random, but I've been picking up on certain things you've been doing and, I was wondering if you maybe have, like, Attention Deficit Disorder or something, because-"

Bender kicked the boy in the shin hard and gave him a very scary look. Brian seemingly took the hint and stopped talking.

After class, Bender roughly grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the nearest bathroom. He shoved the smaller boy into the biggest stall and locked the door. Brian looked up at him as though fearing for his life but didn't dare say anything. Once the brunet was sure that the door was locked properly, he pinned his scrawny classmate against the gross tile wall, much to Brian's dismay, and leaned in really close to make sure no passing-through students heard.

"Who the fuck told you?"

"Huh?" Brian asked, confused. Bender almost smacked him but refrained, instead just holding a very stern glare toward the boy as he elaborated.

"Who the fuck told you I have that... Thing?"

"What, Attention Defici-"

"Who. Fucking. Told. You?"

"No one" Brian told him, eyes wide with fear. Bender let up his grip a little bit because he didn't want the kid to be that afraid of him. "No one told me. I figured it out on my own"

"How?"

"Well, I, uh..." Brian sighed. He figured there was no use in hiding this information considering he was in deep shit regardless. Besides, maybe it would help Bender be less ashamed of his own disorder. "I have Asperger's"

"Holy shit" Bender said, a bit surprised. He'd been tested for that as well, but he himself wasn't diagnosed with it. However, that had still triggered a whole slew of rants from his father about how retarded those kids were and how he was glad that, if his son was gonna be a retard, it was better that he had a less extreme case of it. He never thought of Brian as retarded, though. Just kind of annoying. "Holy shit"

"What?"

"You're, like, normal" Bender chuckled. Then, seemingly realizing how he was coming across, he shook his head and forced back on his tough guy persona. If Brian wasn't still being pinned to a wall, he probably would've chuckled. "Regardless, you don't tell anyone about this, got it?" the taller boy demanded. Brian nodded earnestly. "If I hear one of your little math nerd friends so much as breathe the word 'ADD' near me, you're dead, got it?"

"Absolutely" Brian assured him. "But, uh, for the record, it's nothing to be ashamed of"

"Well that's easy for you to say when you have something way more serious" Bender told him. Brian just seemed sad at this and it was only then that it dawned on Bender that he wasn't actually alone in this anymore. Sure, ADD and Asperger's weren't the same thing but surely they were at least similar if his doctor felt the need to test him for both at the same time. "Don't speak of this out loud, however... Notes, I'm fine with"

Brian's frown gave way to a small smile. He's trying, he thought to himself. This is hard for him, but he's trying.

"Now..." Bender spoke up again, releasing his hold on the smaller boy. "Get the fuck out of here"

"Yes, of course"

Do not repost on other sites!! This fic will be posted to AO3 under the same username

[summersfirstsnow]

Mid-Year Book Meme (2023)

@sixappleseeds said that anyone who wanted to could do this so I have decided that includes me

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2023? I've read a lot of good books this year! Some Desperate Glory by Emily Tesh was a good read, the Will Darling trilogy by KJ Charles was also really good. My favourite debut so far is To Shape a Dragon's Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose. Some others will be used later but have a right to be here too.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2023? The Mysteries of Thorn Manor by Margaret Rogerson! Nice fun sequel novella that ties up some loose ends and lets readers spend more time with the characters (and the house, which has Opinions).

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To? The Archive Undying by Emma Mieko Candon is next on my list. And on my library borrows pile.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2023? Moon of the Turning Snow by Waubgeshig Rice is definitely up there, as are A Power Unbound by Freya Marske and The Salvation Gambit by Emily Strutskie.

5. Biggest Disappointment? Mortal Follies by Alexis Hall, which made me feel like my brain was being eaten by gummy worms. In a bad way.

6. Biggest Surprise? A Half-built Garden by Ruthanna Emrys! I was expecting to like it, but I wasn't expecting how often I just... think about it apropos of nothing now. It's one of the first cli-fi stories that is optimistic but avoids becoming too saccharine for my taste.

7. Favorite New Author? Terry Pratchett is kind of new to me, I had read Nation but this was my first time picking up Discworld books. KJ Charles is the other new author whose work I've read quite a bit of this year.

8. Newest Favorite Character? I don't have that many characters that I'm WILDLY attached to any characters that I read about this year. Emily Wilde from Emily Wilde's Encyclopaedia of Faeries is very good. I like that she's better at relating to fae than humans due to autism social awkwardness of no particular diagnosis I'm sure.

9. Newest Fictional Crush? *flashback to that time everyone thought I was lying when I said I didn't have a crush on anyone during an icebreaker due to my brain going completely blank* Uhhh...

10. Book That Made You Cry? And This is How to Stay Alive by Shingai Njeri Kagunda, in the The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2021 collection definitely brought tears to my eyes (older sibling FEELINGSSSSS etc), but the last book had me an utter wreck was last year when I read Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir.

11. Book That Made You Happy? The Luminaries by Sarah Dennard was fun and made me laugh as I liveblogged it for my friends. A Half-built Garden also merits a second mention because it was nice to find a book in the genre that didn't make me either deeply despairing or violently annoyed.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw This Year? I guess Nimona wins by default, I don't think I've watched any other adaptations.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year? I guess my June reading list wins by default also because I don't think I've written any other reviews.

14. Most Beautiful Cover? The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty has a gorgeous cover, I like that it looks kind like it's printed from woodcuts almost.

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End of The Year? The Crane Husband by Kelly Barnhill is on my list.

And I'm tagging: @lloonlloon, @notpuckconnolly, and whoever else wants to do it!

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Caught up on tuesday and wednesday's episodes...

The whole week just feels very gimmicky. Like, it's not a great ending to a rape story to begin with. And while they screwed up a lot of Vic's story by throwing her under the bus for Robert's exit, I still feel like the build up to Robert hitting Lee felt believable and grounded. And yes the actually episode was a bit silly with the Wild West stuff happening but it felt like a somewhat natural escalation of events with the idea that he was leaving the show.

This just feels like they really wanted to do both a whodunnit story and use it as a neat way to introduce a whole bunch of new stories. And like maybe it could have been but all of the stories kind of feel like they're coming out of nowhere. Not all of them, but those that don't annoy me anyway.

I mean everyone's been waiting for Tom to be evil but I feel like that's only because every person they bring in has some dark secret, plus they think that because he's Carl's son. Not that Carl was even truly evil until a retcon at the end. But people thought the same with Marcus being Pierce's son and that turned out to be nothing. So it could have again. It's impossible to say with these producers. But still, the way it all happened felt really contrived. I don't know, I look back at the progression of Pierce and Rhona's relationship and maybe Jonathan Wrather is just a much better actor, but there always felt like there was something off and too good to be true about Pierce and the build up to his being controlling and abusive felt believable. With Tom...he was just kind of weirdly intense about Carl and then pretty boring. And now they're throwing this in there? Unless it's going to go in a different direction.

The Aaron and Vinny stuff is just silly and dramatic for no reason. They just want angry Aaron so badly but it doesn't really make sense that he'd want all the money when he gave them everything in the first place. I get he'd be annoyed with Vinny for reporting back to Chas but it's all just a bit too extreme for no reason. I'm sure I'll miss Angry Aaron when he's back to crying and getting mediocre boyfriends but right now it's just kind of annoying.

This Caleb and Tracy affair is just ridiculous. I know people suspected them being the affair cause I don't know...they had a five minute conversation once about the nursery she's still trying to start. (which like...there are five billion kids in that village who are never seen and need looking after. surely she has a built in market there). But that kiss came out of absolutely nowhere. It felt like the insane Cain and Chrissie kiss except at least that lead to the spite dinner party. This is just going to continue to be absurd. And I mean...I feel like with an affair story you either want to be heartbroken about the couple that's getting destroyed, rooting for the affair couple, or at least excited for the juicy drama the reveal will cause. I feel none of those things with this. I couldn't care less about Nate and Tracy. I actively hate them together. I still can't believe they shoved them back together off screen. And now they're immediately having her cheat? Umm..okay. I'm certainly not rooting for Tracy and Caleb yet because it's come out of nowhere. And I really couldn't care less about the fallout. I'm sure I'll just be annoyed about it all.

The Mandy and Eric scenes were okay I guess. But we haven't even really seen Eric for ages. He's only been in about 30 episodes for the whole year. And I feel like the focus should have been on him and him finding out about this diagnosis instead of revealing it through a gimmicky Dingle whodunnit week and focusing more on Mandy crying with no context in front of her family. I'm sure they'll do better with it going forward and Chris is at least a decent actor, but an odd way to introduce it.

And then this dumb Gus/embryo story. I mean we all knew it was coming so it didn't come out of nowhere but again...reintroducing it during the big Dingle week and making it something Marlon is now hiding because we can't have anyone be honest with their partners can we? I mean we'll have to deal with Eric lying to Brenda next week and her almost cheating on him until she finds out the truth. I don't know...it's just so much contrived nonsense.

Again, it's not a terrible idea to use something like this to introduce new stories but I just don't feel like any of them have been introduced well. And I'm a bit tired of seeing that rotating shot overhead looking down at the Dingles in the pub. They've been really obsessed with repeated shots and flashbacks in this last two big weeks. I need them to stop. Like I didn't need to see multiple flashbacks to that Tracy and Caleb kiss.

Sigh.

It's too bad it wasn't all a gimmicky week to bring Robert back. Then I would have been all for it. Haha

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm learning to Hack Transcendence y'all! Or actually I'm looking at this fashionable astrology app to scratch some sort of ego itch. I'm one of those people who both knows a lot about astrology and enjoys it AND is deeply suspicious of it, the psychology of which I don't feel the need to get into. Things like astrology usually sustain themselves by offering analysis general enough that anybody could see themselves in it, and this is a rare case where half the time I was reading this I thought, Damn this is completely wrong and I have no idea what it could be talking about! I mean a few of the above notes really get me. When I was already into dark shit as a very small child I wish I could have told my annoyed parents that I was just just Confronting Human Mortality. And I definitely do have trouble with the Creation of Personal Meaning...which is almost certainly the whole reason I'm interested in things like this in the first place. But then like, it seems to think that I chronically engage in machiavellian power struggles with loved ones who I treat like enemies because I don't know how to be honest with myself or anyone else. Which is like...for most of my life the whole problem has been boundary issues that allow other people to get away with murder, that cause me to take too many people at face value, and that lead me to tolerate all kinds of abuse because some part of me thinks I deserve it and that everyone but me has the right to do whatever they want all the time so I should just shut up and take it. I'm like barely beginning to get over this mentality, as an adult. For better or worse I react by sinking deeper into solitude, my very favorite vice. Which makes the astrology app's diagnosis of me as a codependent person who gets all of her security from mindless social interaction and material overindulgence, like, really confusing to me.

But uh anyway "This makes no sense" is just one reaction I could have to this. Another response would be that we each contain our opposite, and we're always looking for that opposite in the outside world in order to feel complete, to kind of consummate with our more subliminal parts; i.e. somewhere in me is this vicious predator persona, and that may be why it seems to be mirrored by various people in my life. This is garden variety Jungian anima/animus stuff, but it's a pretty useful way to reflect on your relationships both real and desired. The funniest take on this principle is the LaVeyan Personality Synthesizer.

This appears in Anton Szandor LaVey's crazyass book The Compleat Witch, Or What to Do When Virtue Fails. If you only read one book by or about LaVey, make it this one; it's supposed to be an instruction manual for how anyone can become a powerful seductress, but it's really like a charmingly unconscious expression of LaVey's personal hangups and fetishes, of which there are many. But anyway he says that you've got a private inner self, a social outer self, and in between you get the Demonic Minority Self (love that name) which tends to have the opposite gender energy of your Majority Self, and which is very much the opposite of your main identity in general. You're supposed to start figuring out your Majority and Demonic Minority Selves by using this somewhat eugenicist schedule of archetypal qualities:

And then if you wanna be a Compleat Witch you use this information to figure out how to seduce whoever you want by trying to resemble that person's Demonic Minority Self. Which actually seems like it could be pretty effective in theory, while the truth is that most people aren't as extremely black and white as LaVey liked to think. In any case it's at least entertaining to read about.

A lot of the book is just LaVey trying to sell his own peccadilloes as universal truths; for instance women shouldn't wear pants or flat shoes, they should perfume themselves only with their own BO and menstrual blood, they should kinda act like sloppy bimbos to maximally manipulate men, and then there's also stuff like, if you enjoy certain kinds of salad dressing it means you're a homo. I'm several years into a research project on LaVey (that I keep hoping I can formally announce the fate of but this kind of thing is VERY slow), and one day I attended a talk with the current High Priestess of the Satanic Church, who wrote the introduction to the last edition of The Compleat Witch and who was lecturing on its contents. I asked her if she thought LaVey had any awareness that, while he was writing what he believed to be applicable to all of humanity, he was really exposing extremely intimate details of his own unique personality, and man she Did Not Like That. But that's exactly what's good about the book, that it's this kind of subverted memoir; if you read The Satanic Bible you only find out that LaVey really liked Nietzsche and Ayn Rand, but if you read The Compleat Witch, then you know everything about him.

Whatever else you wanna say about Anton LaVey, he was definitely very good at the Creation of Personal Meaning, which may be why I'm compelled to study him. I mean I could just read Viktor Frankl instead, but where's the fun in that?

[polyamorouspunk]

HEYYYYYYYYY its me your favorite annoying mutual who you claim isn’t annoying 😜

So. Question. Im starting therapy this week. Or at least its an intake appointment. And I was wondering if you have any experience with any therapy stuff to kinda. Maybe give me an idea of what I should expect?

Like, I know my plp works in the field and stuff and she does therapy too but for completely different reasons than Im gonna try going for. And I was hoping I could get another person’s perspective.

Not gonna lie, I’ve had some not so great experiences with therapy/counseling before, so Im hoping this time goes better. But yeah

- 🗝️

I mean if you’ve already had therapy you know the basics. First appointment is meeting and saying what brought you to therapy. Next appointment is continuing to establish. I would argue even by the third appointment you’re still getting used to your therapist and establishing a relationship with them. I think every relationship you have with a therapist is different. I felt like my last therapist was good at guiding me to talk about things I needed to talk about. My therapist now I honestly just sit in silence until he asks me something. It’s really awkward. My last appointment I tried to bring up the stuff I had written down to talk about and he kind of side-stepped the stuff I really wanted to talk about to ask why I self-diagnose with BPD and how it can be trendy to self-diagnose and how “The DSM-5 isn’t the Bible” but also “kids will read the DSM-5 and say it sounds like them and then say they have a disorder” and blah blah blah. He knows I’m a psych student and therefore sometimes it feels like I can level with him and have conversations about the field of psychology and then sometimes it feels like “well as a professional in the field I have to recommend against self-diagnosis” or something and I’m like I’m here to talk about all the red flags that the girl I’m lusting after just dropped on me not whether or not I have blue brain worms or brain worms that just look blue under the sunlight but are actually brown like bluejay feathers like. Fr. Uh. I mean you were *there* with me when I said I don’t particularly like my therapist but I’ve been having a hard time finding a new one. I, personally, prefer therapy where I can work on something since my last therapist unlocked the realization that I talk much more openly when I am busying myself with something which is why I think art therapy would be helpful for me. I purposefully planned the last serious conversation I had to have while I was working on things with my hands. Some therapists are really chatty and talk about themselves a lot and compare their experiences in life or with other clients to yours. Some therapists only want to focus on you and what you feel. Some want to give you advice, some want to give you techniques. But your level of openness and comfort is going to dictate how much and what you get out of it. If I was more comfortable with my therapist I might have been able to put my foot down and say “this isn’t what I want to talk about in my session today, perhaps we can revisit this another time”, but I just don’t have that level of comfort with my therapist because I don’t like him that much. He’s a great guy! He’s just not the right style of therapist for me. It’s really great to have an openly queer therapist but I need someone more rigid who can get me to open up better and doesn’t monologue at me. That’s just something I’ve learned. You’ll learn what works from when it’s worked in the past and you’ll learn what you need when you don’t get it. That’s just how it is. I’m hoping I can revisit the stuff I actually wanted to talk about in my next session instead of having the focus be put on why I need to ID with BPD and not “so I have someone that said some things to me that’s making me concerned about the direction our potential relationship is taking but I don’t really know how to interoperate it, what are your thoughts as someone who hears these therapy buzzwords a lot?”

[lion-of-liberation]

I need to expose my thoughts. I talk and express a lot and yet there’s endlessly more under the surface always. It’s never-ending. I doubt there’s a single person that can handle the endlessness of it all. Some of its mundane, some is significant, some is deeply emotional, but they’re all intertwined and I can’t tell if that’s just what is or if I created it myself. I’m not sure if that even matters either because at this point it’s all real enough that I feel the need to purge it from my brain. I’ll start with some straight forward stuff: what I have self-diagnosed myself with and done nothing about.

It’s honestly embarrassing to think about self-diagnosing myself but… I know me best and I see how different I act in front of any human. It’s almost like I’m never there. Sometimes I am and I love it. But I don’t know why it’s hard to be there. And afterward I regret it and begin thinking about non existence. I’ve challenged myself to type out every natural thought as it comes. I’m not a fan but I need this out. I feel pretty qualified to self-diagnose as I work in the mental health field but do to the nature of what I believe I got going on, I haven’t done anything about this to go find out from an outside source.

This also embarrassing because I feel it’s common. But I hear others using stereotypes and basic examples as justification for their self-diagnosis. I’ve spent years on this. It was 5 years before I said anything to a friend out loud. Anyways… I believe I have ADHD. Stemming from that I’ve developed a propensity for anxiety, depression and imposter syndrome.

Currently, imposter syndrome and depression seem to be taking over. Anxiety used to be a bugger issue, leading to panic attacks and very literally running away. I’m in massage therapy school right now so I feel I’ve learned how to manage anxiety better naturally through this experience.

Depression - my motivation to do anything, including eat or shower has been dwindling for months. It gets better and then gets worse. I know that’s the nature of things but I just want be able to eat at least. I don’t know why something so simple is so difficult for me. Everyone seems to see me as an intelligent and thoughtful person and it just feels like they don’t know me at all. That’s the imposter syndrome right there.

I feel like my brain is full of all these things I want to be and do and I do none of it and my self appreciation just goes down every day. The thoughts of falling into a coma or disappearing have been more and more frequent and starting earlier and earlier in the day.

I feel stuck in some void, but it’s surrounded by mirrors so only I can see me and everyone else sees…something else.

I felt called to type all this out today because something significant yet insignificant happed as soon as I woke up. Someone had deleted me as a friend on Snapchat. I’d never known them in real life. We’d been in each others social media for a few years now. I thought of them as strange and cool, and potentially someone who’d be a friend. It seemed like we were on the same wavelength for a lot of things. He’s even said that once as well. I think people say things heartwarming often thoughtlessly and I’m always the person who takes it seriously and cherishes it. It’s why I hate hearing “I love you.” Anyways I was filled with thoughts that this man could be part of my soul family - a friend I’m meant to have in this life because so many of our interests and ways of being overlapped. I responded to his story yesterday… I guess he hated my response. Maybe something about it revealed to him an aspect of myself he found annoying enough to delete me after 3 years.

I didn’t think I’d be so hurt. But I cried really hard and I’m still crying now. Partly I had a small crush as I often do strictly with males very far from me, but honestly I was holding out hope I’d meet him and gain a new kind of friend. Now that fantasy is demolished and I’m devastated. There’s something good out of this I know. The universe might be pushing distractions out of my way. I’m too good at finding them. Maybe he felt how hard I was hoping he’d be my friend in real life. It all sounds pathetic. I feel starved for deep human connection yet when I make friends I’m so….awkward and feel I have to hide how much I like them. I don’t even like people often. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’d rather disappear.

I think I’ll procrastinate on talking about what I feel is ADHD in behavior. Specifically the imposter syndrome is what I feel the most. I feel like a joke and disappointment and I’m not sure how I’ll ever change or how to fulfill myself.

[purpleyoonn]

I think its frustrating that people doesn't understand how hard it is to write under pressure. Its one thing to get compliments, and another to feel like a press machine? I hope people respect you more after reading this!! If they don't, I hope they have the sense to google some of the things you mentioned to see how they affect someone. I think knowing these things helps a lot for general compassion when we live in a world of empathy fatigue.

With that in mind, the fatigue behind disabilities is something (some) people don't seem to get? I have Narcleopsy type 2 so I struggle a lot with chronic tiredness. It's not easy to deal with!! Some days its a choice between if I'm going to make myself meals, or if I'm going to take care of myself. (To oversimplify it in a way to show my own struggle). I can't imagine your own situation, but I know how mine affects me.

I actually find you really inspirational because of this- not just your writing (cause its beautiful af and sooooo well thought out), but also because of how hard you work. The past 3 years I've hit a rut because my psychologist basically said I need to give up all hope of a normal life. That college, work, etc is not possible. That my life is just going to be some early onset of poverty-stricken retirement starting in my 20s. I really had no hope, only a lot of fear. But following your blog for the short time I have has uplifted me so much. Not just from your newest series you started (I have a serious fear of not having worth because of my own disabilties) but from everything you've said and written.

I think you're incredible. I'm terrified of my future, if I will ever live a normal life. You've helped me want to start looking for a new normal, and to fight for what I want. So please keep setting boundaries because you're amazing. You need to take care of yourself for you ❤️

I try to reign in my online interactions (I don't do very well, I comment too much and annoy some ppl I think djfjjf) because I tend to be misunderstood a lot. I hope my sincerity is clear. Because you really are fantastic, and it's not fair for people to push you 😣

you made me cry with your words and understanding😭

pressure is such a struggle to be under. like I sometimes wonder if I should take another break but I love writing and I love posting for you guys. there is a line between loving a story and just being curious to when im posting next and sending me ask after ask and messages wondering and pushing me to post the next chapter.

its hard for me even now going through the trial of getting my diagnosis (still going through it unfortunately) but my biggest diagnosis so far is pots. it is so hard for me to understand why my body does what it does and I even fainted for the first time today helping my grandma in the kitchen. my heart rate was in the 170's and I almost gave my grandma a heart attack. just standing up from the couch my heart rate skyrockets and I go into prescyncope (which means im about to faint but don't). fatigue is a real struggle every day and some days are better than others.

I also learned last week that people with pots have a quality of like likened to those on dialysis with kidney failure. that's hard to grasp and understand. a normal life is hard to imagine sometimes and feels impossible.

it truly is a choice between eating and taking care of yourself some days. sometimes its even hard to get out of bed.

im am so happy that ive been able to help uplift you and help you believe that normal is possible for you. I understand being terrified of your future and I completely get where those thoughts come from. I hope that the both of us get everything we want from life and our disabilities don't hold us back.

thank you so much for your ask and your kind and understanding words.

[residentdormouse]

When a Good Man Goes to War with Words

(and a few questionable ones…)

Sorry, @mrsmungus , couldn't help the title since wars are really prevalent in my fics. “Red” vs “White”. “Good” vs “Evil”. “Right” vs “Wrong”. Who we are verses the choices we make. Much like the doctor, the majority of them loathe the fighting, but it’s where they find themselves. While an attempt was made to Ninth doctor the whole thing (‘Everybody Lives!’), why it is a rarity made itself clear. Life goes by quick whether you blink or not, and those four knocks come for us all.

But I should stop my nonsense. Take a break before I look in the mirror and have to ask, Don’t you think she looks tired. Cause, yes. Yes she does.

My Words: Scarf, War, Planet, Rose, Sweet

Your Words: Cane, Medicine, Case, Pills, Diagnosis/Detect/Solve (you know what I’m getting at)

(I’d put Lupus, but that would be a stretch. It's never Lupus.)

As always - open tag - if you want to join in. Other fandom keywords welcomed - there’s no rules here really - I don’t know what we’re doing. But we’re having fun doing it, and that’s what matters, right?

Scarf

(Only one use of scarf in everything. I guess it makes the job of picking a section out easy…)

"I think maybe we should get Larry…"

While her interactions with the kid were extremely limited at best, she still felt a kind of understanding in his looks as he stared back at her. And this one was clearly stating, 'That's what we're doing'.

"But, we should turn---"

Another pull to her arm.

"Okay…"

They continued on for another stretch, and Hayden began to feel the cold starting to sink in. She looked over at Joe, who had the foresight to bundle up at least. She had not been adequately prepared for how long they would be out, and missed her fluffy scarf and hat. Luckily for her, Glen gave her a coat before she left; she would have taken off without it. A pair of fingerless gloves was stashed away in her pockets, and was certainly better than nothing.

"Where are we going, Joe? Nobody really lives out this way except Harold…"

Turning the next corner, her question immediately answered itself and she found Larry walking in their direction.

"Sorry for doubting..." She looked down at the boy, before her hands went to the air in a wave, "Hey, Larry!

War

(I’ve made it rule that if I find a word, but skip the segment in place another, only to find the same damn section with another word - Have to use it. Catching not only one war but two, and a bonus rose to fully overachieve.)

There were times that she would stumble, and profusely apologize for things lost in translation while others would have simply been annoyed and moved on at the next chance. It stirred a foreign feeling that was refreshing, and he didn’t realize how much he yearned for this type of connection until he had it. What would his life have been like if he had met someone like her before? Met her before?

“I always feel like I’m back in middle school when I do this.”

He caught most of her words as she wheeled in a table where she had created a temporary shrine to gaming. After she realized the handheld games were a hit, she “raided” the nearby store for him. TV, gaming systems, various discs and devices…

“Everytime something like this came out, we knew Mr. Cartwright had a bit too much to drink the night before. It was always some dull black and white documentary though, and it usually meant a nap, not furious button mashing, but some feelings of nostalgia just override the actual outcome of the event, y’know? TV on a cart? That means a mental break. But give me God of War over World War II aircrafts all day everyday, am I right?”

Nick watched amused as she babled on. This was the dynamic they usually fell into. Something would come up that sparked a long and detailed story that she became overly enthusiastic about. She’d ramble at length. Then she’d apologize for rambling, her cheeks flushing to a rose pink. He’d smile to show his amusement in it, and they’d go back to the original task at hand.

“Sorry.” She handed over a controller, and sat down next to him on the edge of the bed, her face tinged in the familiar shade of embarrassment.

Sweet

(Unfortunately, no sweetie. There are a few ‘sweethearts’, which is my go-to dealing out condescending shit name, and a few ‘sweet buns’ which is some Lloyd bullshit. And since this seems to be a Lloyd section post… caught one of those wars from earlier.)

“Hi, fellas. And fellettes. We’ve been expecting ya. You know, my boss told me when you’d be walking out of that canyon down to the minute. Isn’t that crazy? Its is a crazy fuckin’ world.”

The colors, the attitude, the ignorance… Whether it be willful or not, the person in front of her, for all intents and purposes, seemed like he was ignorant to the kind of situation they were all in. Life and death. Possibly war. Maybe she was reading him wrong; she very well could be. They were in the thick of it now. The players they would see in the game moving forward were going to have power, and there's most likely a reason for that.

But this guy, he seemed blind to any seriousness in life at the moment.

Hayden took a deep breath and began walking forward “Well, at least we can agree on that… crazy fucking world is an understatement.”

He pushed back from the door and made a showy display of stepping out of the way. "Ladies first."

She looked back at Glen. "See how that sounds?"

"Noted."

Shaking her head, she climbed in, with each member of the group following in after her. It was two on each side, and this asshole chose to sit next to her. "Scoot over sweet buns, time for us to be movin' on."

She felt like Harold with the heavy layer of mask she now wore, shooting him a smile that was still outwardly pleasant while also screaming 'please eat shit'.

"Aren't you a charmer..."

Planet

(Another two-fer. Planet and war. Destiny. Also, immediately picking up where sweet left off.)

"Don't you know it." He gave a flashy smile and a couple quick pounds against the divider. "Name's Lloyd Henreid, and I'll be taking your sorry asses into the last place on this fucking planet you want to be."

Slowly the vehicle started to drive off. Once they were at a steady pace, Lloyd took a drag from his ridiculous cigarette, lowering the window to puff out the smoke.

"Last place we want to be? You think we walked all the way from Boulder to not get to Vegas?" Glen raised his eyebrows in a playful challenge, and Lloyd let out a huff.

"You know what I mean. Mister Flagg don't take kindly to folks sending spies and acting all war like towards him. Sure wouldn't want to be you right now, that's all I'm sayin'."

He took another drag on the cigarette, and Hayden took cue from this to pull out her vape. "So there's no problem with smoking here, then?"

"Shit, no! Land of freedom, baby, that's what we're all about here." Glen let out a short breath of laughter at the statement of their 'freedom', and Hayden followed by taking a hit without further hesitation. Lloyd paused a second before he realized just exactly what she had pulled out. "Woah! Hey, what do you got there?"

"I think it's called Ice Cream Sandwich. Couldn't find any more Banana Cream, but this is a pretty good substitute. Want some?" She offered the pen over and raised her eyebrows at the flabbergasted look on his face.

"Is that fucking weed?"

Rose

'This is important!'

The emphasized signs did nothing aside from further exasperating her, and she ripped her arm away. "We don't have time for this!"

Frustration built to a breaking point inside of him. Of course they didn't have time; nobody ever had time! But he'd be damned if he left here without answers, without doing everything that he could. Before he could release his anger in another burst of signs, Gwen came over to a stop directly in front of him. Hands rose up on either side of his face, and eyes bore a hole into his own, burning through his retina and straight out the back of his skull. Transfixed, he stood there. Stood still as she leaned forward, as she pressed her mouth onto his, as the metallic taste hit his tongue. But the sharp bite to his lower lip was what released him from whatever hold she had.

He pushed her back sharply before signing out angrily again.

'What the fuck is wrong with you?!'

"Why don't you say it, Nicky?"

Apparently, she only released her physical hold while the mental one took effect. His eyes grew wide as the words echoed inside his head. Words she said while her lips never moved.

"Cat got your thoughts?"