#I wrote a dissertation again

[blood-orange-juice]

So.

Why I think Sandrone might be Mary-Ann Guillotin. Spoilers for Fontaine side quests.

*

Smoke and mirrors

As we have noticed in Liyue, Inazuma and Sumeru (and to an extent in Mondstadt) we do not normally *see* Harbingers until they appear for the final act, only the mechanisms they set in motion.

(Childe is an outlier and it's not like he's done anything productive yet)

Also most of Harbingers' lore so far has been dropped through things in the overworld (Signora's and Scaramouche's stories are in artifact sets, and Dottore's research notes are all over Sumeru). Somehow we have nothing on Arle's and Sandrone's backgrounds so far, which means we likely have something and we just don't know it yet.

Also Arlecchino is all over the plot, so I assume the important Harbinger in this chapter is Sandrone, everything else is an entertaining show to distract us. If she only appears in the final act, it would make sense if her exposition is done through lore tidbits scattered across the map.

*

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Now another angle.

I'm almost sure that the contradictory verdict is caused by a certain someone's connection to the Primordial sea. (I'll eat my HoD artifact set if it's not. not like it's a good set but eh)

So whoever framed that certain someone needs to: 1. Know how the Oratrice works (either an engineering genius or they know an engineering genius) 2. Know about the Primordial sea and the Abyss (a gentle reminder that Vaucher knew about its properties through Jakob) 3. Have a motive

Idk, the combination of the first two *screams* Narcissenkreuz to me. I assume the motive is destabilizing Fontaine's energy system. It furthers Harbingers' goals and it would be too lucky a coincidence if it was someone else. So... A Narcissenkreuzer and a Harbinger. Noice.

We have Mary-Ann disappearing during that accident in Elynas without a trace. No body was found. Sus. We know Alain founded the Research Institute and worked on his own projects until death from old age. He could have transfered his consciousness into a robot. Also someone else could have.

(maybe the big robot is Alain then. as they say in Mondstadt, ehe)

(from Enigmatic Page XII, I can't guess who the author is)

*

Other characters' voicelines

Since Scaramouche's line about her says Sandrone is nowhere near an engineering genius and has produced a "copious amount of garbage", I assume it's not Alain. Mary-Ann it is then. She has her brother's old designs and theories but that's it.

Then there's Childe's voiceline about Sandrone:

When it was added I assumed it was about how clueless Childe can be about the consequences of his actions, but also what if he really didn't do anything (poor boy. everyone is so quick to suspect the worst about him).

We know that Mary-Ann and Alain had a big falling out with Rene and Jakob because of the Abyss research and what they did to Carter. If Sandrone is in fact Mary-Ann, it's possible that whatever Childe is just reminds her of Jakob. Or of Carter. Sorry Childe, your existence is just a trigger for the poor traumatised girl.

*

Summarising all that: guys, gals, fellow Romans and other forms of life, it's Sandrone. Everything in Fontaine is about Sandrone.

*

Things this theory doesn't account for unless you squint really hard.

- They don't look much alike but then a lot of years have passed and we have Herta from HSR and the way her appearance shifts slightly with each new puppet.

However, they also don't look that different.

- Why did Lyney need to investigate the Oratrice? If at least one Harbinger knows how it functions then what is left there to investigate? Maybe he was trying to tamper with it, of course. Or maybe they know the Gnosis is in there.

But then the Harbingers aren't exactly known for good communication between coworkers.

- If Mary-Ann is alive, why did she leave her brother behind? Why didn't she go back for Seymour?

I have no good answer for this, so this is likely proof that Sandrone is not Mary-Ann then.

(maybe she doesn't know Seymour is alive and he will recognize her sometime later in the story, of course)

- Who was the familiar voice Lyney heard near the Oratrice? It's not familiar enough to recognise but someone known to him. I doubt he knows Sandrone subordinates or met Sandrone herself. Or maybe he's lying and it's someone he recognises and wants to protect. Or maybe, as Cricket says in their post, that was a distraction too.

- Also there's Rene who happily dissolved into collective consciousness and no one heard of him after that. He could know any kind of things (including how the Oratrice works and what's happening with the primordial seawater) and it's a stretch of course, but any of the Harbingers (Arle included) could be working with him. Anyway, where's Rene?

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[lil-melody-moon]

Omg, I just wrote 6 pages of my dissertation.

If I had this week off as well I would fucking finish it.

I want his week free, I want to finish this shit and have only 1/3 work left.

[thalfbloodloser]

You bring insanity to a boringly sane fandom. I would like to hear your latest thought on ivorycest... Whatever nugget you may be nursing. If that is alright

✦ aw, thank you! you're so sweet 🐌🧡 it's very much alright - no one in here ever sends me fun stuff anymore. your ask was a breath of fresh air, anon! truth be told, i haven't been thinking about ivorycest all that much, but get ready for a HUGE text-block jumpscare because you just gave me the perfect excuse to write about them ➜

✦ sometimes it pains me to see so many folks avoiding ivorycest like the plague, because, like ranfren itself, it's so unapologetically insane that you can't really hate it. even if you try. if you have a dash of sense of humor, you'll see it's hilariously canon compliant!

i've seen lots of people argue that "anything romantic/sexual between randal and luther would be inherently out of character", which i'll admit is a reasonable concern, but it's just not true. the issue is characterization: people keep projecting human-based tropes and behavior on cryptids, and that's where the knee-jerk "eugh" reaction comes from. because yeah, randal and luther aren't going to declare their Forbidden Love for each other and then passionately kiss under the moonlit sky, nor are they going to feel guilty about their attraction and part ways with a tearful "we can't! this is wrong!". it would be completely unnatural behavior for them. all that? made for humans. and pretty basic humans, at that. for ivorycest to work, both in and out of canon, you gotta fully embrace the weirdness, see beyond humanity and forget all old expectations you might've gotten from any other couple of siblings!

from my point of view, it doesn't even feel like it fits with the rest of the "-cest"s. and not because of the possibility that randal and luther aren't even biologically related (i seriously doubt they're even from the same species) - we all know that adoptive siblings aren't any less siblings just because they don't share DNA. plus, pseudo-incest is still a thing - but because they're so, so far from human nature and from other brother/brother ships that it's almost laughable, and sometimes genuinely puzzling, to apply ANY human labels to them at all. for example, would you call luther a cannibal because he eats people? no. because it'd be like calling a human cannibal for eating cows, and that makes no sense. words mean things.

to us, at least.

coincidentally, that's half of my point.

the ivorys adress each other as "brother", sure, but you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that they fully understand what that means or that they care about it enough to follow the moral/ethical guidelines attached to such terms. you simply cannot. most times it feels less like they see each other as family and more like they're just...roleplaying.

but if you decide to call someone "daddy", just when does that make them your father?

randal, who could (but perhaps shouldn't) be considered the most resourceful of the two, uses "brother" as both title and honorific - like one uses "sir" or "ma'am" - but doesn't seem to be overtly attached to the familial aspect of it. again, he's not a human, and, as far as we know, our siblinghood doesn't come naturally to him - much like pain, guilt, conscience and a whole load of bodily functions that he also seems to lack. luther, on the other same hand, understands the caretaking implications of being the "older brother", but that's pretty much where his brotherly-ness begins and ends. if anything, he's incorrectly using the sibling label while playing parent; just without any trauma and/or responsibility attached to it. there's also the fact that he's the most powerful entity in the household and randal - no matter how many pianos he "possesses" or how many times he shoves himself in the space between the wall and the fridge - cannot possibly overpower him, also adds to this parent/kid dynamic; hence granting luther the (almost-meaningless) title of "master" and the authority over their dysfunctional home. that still doesn't mean randal perceives him as anything but a housemate, or playdate, for he doesn't really seem to keep up the role of mischievous little brother unless he's bored (often, not always).

so they use the word, but it lacks permanent meaning. in that sense, classic incest tropes - no matter if brocon or dadson flavored - don't really work. there's power imbalance, sure, but the familial bonds needed to reinforce that imbalance simply do not exist. randal is babied because he likes to be. he likes being taken care of and likes having rules to break. it's a character he plays. luther "takes care" of him because he himself likes doing it. he likes being a parent and likes having a reason to lecture & discipline. it's a character he plays. they don't actually need this dynamic to thrive, and it wasn't imposed on them by parents/caretakers or any set of misfortunes that we know of. they just deliberately chose to partake on it.

consequently, i don't think they feel what humans perceive as familial love (healthy or unhealthy) for each other. they're simply two powerful entities - whom we can assume have been at least friends for a long time - playing make-believe. creatures who have little to no regard for humanity as a species, and are only interested in their own antics. of course they do eventually commend certain humans for their achievements, and seem to find all sorts of comfort in our art/creations/traditions, but outside of that? they see humans as fragile beings as intelectually insignificant to them as most animals are to us. randal forcibly keeps one as a pet. not far from "master" luther, who keeps two.

again, the ivorys are clearly intelligent, specially regarding their own survival. they're not behind being purposefully dense when it comes to anything human that is even slightly inconvenient to them (huh? eating the delivery man's arm when we order pizza is bad? haha, i would never have guessed!). they have the means and understanding necessary to behave (and perhaps look) 100% human, they just...choose not to. they can bend reality itself to their whims, turn themselves and others into inconceivable creatures, all while feigning absolute normalcy at the chaotic world around them (werewoofs, carpet cats with human faces, alive walls and furniture...), and you think they'd draw the line at willingly distorting something as frivolous as family hierarchy?

tch. please.

with that said, by the rules of their own game, if they were to partake in any...non-platonic activities, it would only be considered incestuous because they decided it would be - by creating the dynamic and environment in the first place. and they would simply not fucking care if it is upsetting, distasteful or imoral by human standards. and that's the ship's whole flavor - that's why i love it so much! precisely because there's no such thing as the "oh, no! i accidentally fell in love with my sibling! woe is me!" (which i also love) with the ivorys. there's also not a "normal" way to ship them, even if you're adamant about them not being related or not seeing each other as family, because they're two fucking weirdos.

their whole relationship is so tastefully bonkers that i genuinely wouldn't be fazed if they spawned another creature to be their "littlest" sibling. honestly, who could stop them? and who's to say that, in their cryptic way, they're not a married couple? or buddies into weird roleplay? ultimately, it is undeniable that they - in at least one sense of the word - love each other enough to enable each other; and to indulge on each other's silly/straight-up-criminal fantasies.

to me, there's no (human) romance, nor seduction, involved. randal knows he'll get nothing by jumping on his brother's lap and performing the most disgustingly horny hentai rip-off scenario ever. much like he'll get nothing in exchange for sweet words, flowers and chocolate. it's part of the game. he knows he'll receive only a "<3" (♥︎) - which him and luther seem to be able to pronounce out loud - or a hummed, blank-faced lecture about needing either a nap or to drink more water. if luther is having a bad day, he might even receive some sort of punishment. and those are the reactions randal wants, the normalcy (if you can call it that) he counts on. if he wanted a different response, something genuinely human, he'd have forcibly gauged it off sebastian, nyon or even nyen. likewise, luther knows better than to come too close or to grab randal by the waist, lest he get bitten or not-so-playfully snipped with scissors.

but there's intimacy. so much intimacy. on waking up to the other's figure looming over them, on physically crawling under each other's skin, on wrapping hands and claws around each other's organs and muscles and bones, on faux eyes staring into faux eyes, on a eerie smile pressed against unmoving lips, on the suspension of disbelief, on the lingering smell of copper, on the flashing lights and sappy endearments and and-

and, i suppose, on the sex too. i don't think i can picture them having human sex - really, who am i to guess what these creatures are packing in their pants? for all we know, they might as well be ken-doll smooth down there - but if they were to ever consummate their relationship sexually, i feel like it would probably be as uncomfortable, off-putting, disturbing and offensive to the eyes as everything else they do. genuinely revolting from any possible point of view - unless you're a true monsterfucker. a ritual so gross that, for us, it resembles nothing but a cacophony of unthinkable horrors molding together wetly, but that, to them, feels nothing but heavenly from beginning to end. as close to divinity as such wretched demons/creatures are ever going to get.

anyways. enough, my apologies-

the conclusion is that...me shipping these two isn't even about wishing they'd get together, because, in their fucked up way, they already are. it isn't about spiting other fans either. it's about having fun coming up with increasingly nonsensical scenarios hoping to come close to their freak ✦

[serialsunset]

Random question: which are your favorite tracks from HoD? :)

Honestly I think a lot of my favourites are other people’s favourites but I can elaborate on why. (Idk anything about music theory or language so this is vibes based)

Successor of fate is actually lower down on my list of great tracks in the game but that’s just because of its place in the game as the first area track, on it’s own I think it’s incredibly strong. I see it almost as a parallel to the theme of Simon from scv4, with its slow building intro giving way to a heroic theme. But at the same time SoF is a much less triumphant and self assured song than Simon’s, which works wonderfully for Juste given how he lives in the shadow of his legacy. Overall really great character establishing song.

Offense and defense is kind of the ‘hype’ track of the game for me. In a way it’s the most upbeat track of the game, but it’s also hard to get a handle it on with all the strange percussion and how it clashes with the instrumentation. It matches the room of illusion really well, it’s just a very quirky track that has a great sense of forward momentum with a perfect sense of unease. To me Offense and Defense fits the role of ‘castle theme’ whereas successor of fate is more of a character theme for Juste

I’ll use this part as a broad example to explain why I like even the more ignored songs on the soundtrack; the percussion is so so good. If you have any song off of the soundtrack that you think is bad or forgettable I urge you to put it on and just listen to the drums, they add so much character. Like, listen to aqueduct of dragons right now and zero in on the drums, they’re so good.

Okay so. Chapel sky. People consider it the best song in the game and I agree completely, it’s absolutely beautiful. It has a strong melody (as much as I enjoy this ost melody isn’t its strong suit) and the urgent tone of the second half is just as good as the soothing atmosphere of the first half, it ebbs and flows beautifully and it’s an absolutely perfect match for the area it’s in. But I think most importantly, it doesn’t feel out of place in the rest of the soundtrack. It still maintains that quiet unease that makes the atmosphere of the game so strong, it’s just a bit subdued here. Perfect song, it’s on several playlists, the arrange version is also beautiful

To the heart of the devils castle is a bop, man. How come nobody ever talks about this one it goes so hard. I don’t have anything deeper to say it’s just a good track. Gets me grooving.

Beloved one is another track I feel like nobody talks about, probably because it’s a character theme that you only hear in one scene (well, kinda). But it’s actually one of the longest tracks in the entire game. I think the first half of it is very strong, and it fits Lydie really well, but the second half drags a bit. However I think it’s worth remarking on because a slightly modified version of this song reappears on the soundtrack for Epilogue 2, which plays during the best ending of the game. And idk, I think it’s very sweet that ‘Beloved one’ gets reused for the ending where Lydie AND Maxim are saved, like that’s wonderful man it makes me happy.

The prologue theme/Maxims theme/the furniture room theme is THE theme of Harmony of Dissonance as far as I’m concerned. It’s such an effective track, it’s full of sorrow, dread, regret, nostalgia, and it’s all conveyed through these dissonant organ notes that are almost grating in the way they sound against each other (I know calling a song grating may seem like an insult but I swear it’s a compliment, especially as this is first and foremost a character theme, so we don’t have to hear it traversing the castle). It represents Maxims character perfectly, and it being baked into so much of the game hammers home the fact that this is all his doing. And it may sound silly but I absolutely love that it’s the theme for the furniture room. A room that’s just for Juste, that remains identical across both castles, that is one of the only safe locations in the entire place, being soundtracked by his best friend’s song of melancholy and regret. It makes me FEEL things. And it’s a perfect representation of the game as a whole.

VK2K2 is a top tier vampire killer remix and a better clock tower than the one in cotm fight me

[girlonthemoon81]

No problem with your critique however Smoke was with Annie not Mary lol. Her character was quite selfish as well would elaborate but nah

OOPS! Thank you so much for correcting me. I tried to double-check the relationships before posting, but there was barely any info out yet since the movie just dropped, lol. Do you mean that Mary or Annie was selfish? I’d genuinely love to hear your take because I enjoy seeing how other people are interpreting the characters. If you meant Mary, I kind of see that perspective, especially if you're not approaching the movie through a feminist lens. Her character was poorly written from the start. She’s positioned as a privileged white woman who mostly wants Stack for his sexual prowess (his penis lol). Most of their interactions are overly sexual. The train scene where she brings up him saying, “I love you” mid-fuck (i.e., her line, "You said you loved me while you fucked me and stuck your tongue in my cooter"), or the scene at the juke joint where it’s all about sex and being sexually alluring again. She only has one somewhat vulnerable moment, and that’s with Sammy, when she briefly opens up about her family and personal history with the twins. That moment showed she is aware of social caste systems, such as race and class. To me, the selfish one is Stack, but not in a “he’s just a selfish guy” way. He’s just the typical emotionally stunted, misogynistic man who fears vulnerability and can’t view women as human beings. He just uses Mary for sex and refuses to emotionally connect with her. I wouldn’t even call their dynamic a relationship (that's another conversation for another day). I found it disrespectful how he always told her to "Get the fuck away from him." That, honestly, to me wasn't just about his inability to form emotional connections, but it has more to do with his inability to see women, especially women he sleeps with, as human beings (Madonna-Whore Complex). This becomes a weirder intersection because, socially, Mary is a white woman. She’s rejected by a (Black) man who both (sexually) desires and resents her. She doesn’t understand (or refuses to accept) that he doesn’t love her and likely never will. Especially not in the way she needs to be loved, with care, consistency, and emotional accountability. And unfortunately, this is a hard reality for a lot of women in heterosexual relationships, particularly interracial ones (where many white women think Black men will "love/respect" them more because they are white, but those men just hate women in general and date them because they are socialized to be "submissive" to the man; we can also account that they use these women as objects to climb the social hierarchy).

It’s a double-edged sword when we look at this in the context of the 1930s. Yes, Stack is a Black man in a violently anti-Black country. He’s navigating racialized violence and structural limitations everywhere he goes. But at the same time, within that structure, he’s still a man. And in gendered terms, that gives him material and emotional power over Mary. He gets to dictate the terms of their dynamic. He has the power to want sex without offering love, commitment, or emotional care. Mary, on the other hand, is expected to take that emotional hit and still orbit around him. And even though she’s white, her gender positions her below him in certain ways, especially within the private/domestic sphere (you can read the separate spheres and the cult of domesticity Wikipedia page to learn more, but it basically states: men in the world, women in the home). We forget that Black men got the right to vote before white women ever did. That fact alone should tell you how deeply rooted misogyny is in American society. Mary wants a loving relationship on equal grounds. But Stack is not capable of giving that. Not because he’s Black, but because he’s a man who’s never had to be emotionally accountable to women. And the film makes no effort to explore those concepts. Instead, her need is made into a very humiliating joke (I have no clue if you have seen the movies in the theater or if they are on streaming services but his lines were meant to be laughed at, to make her the butt of the joke and to humiliate her). She combats this by exposing her sex life with him. As for Annie, I’m super curious how she could be viewed as selfish (if that is who you are calling selfish) because her whole character is written through the “strong Black woman” and “mammy” misogynistic tropes, which literally deny her any room to be selfish. So I’d love to hear more of your thoughts heehee

[eliteseven]

Biggest HCs for DJ!Shart and Serena? Do they butt heads a lot at the end of the journey? Read all your fics and the tag for the Redeemed DJ!Shart AU. Say Shads does not see the light when she meets her parents but takes longer, does she try to stay in contact with Serena? And what could trigger her to become redeemed later on? The cloister starting to turn on her? Her finding out Sharrans have tried to come after her former companions? After Serena?

Well, it’s complicated 🫠

Shadowheart demonstrates her willingness to go through Serena to get to Aylin. That pretty much severs their romantic relationship for the remainder of the quest. Serena grew up devoid of religion and so I think love truly is her version of faith. So this rattles her faith- in Shadowheart, in their love- as you can imagine. It’s not the first time someone she really loves has threatened violence against her 😔

I think Shadowheart tries to justify her decisions, at first. So they’re not really on great terms, immediately after the fact. I think the fact that Shadowheart continues to travel with them after this is just a testament to how tolerant Serena is. Still, in the first tendays after the fact, Serena avoids her like the plague. Serena makes sure never to choose her for patrols, gives her messages through other companions, and *flinches* when Shadowheart attempts to heal her. This breaks Shadowheart, in some ways. All the progress, intimacy, and love they’d been building up seems to have been wiped away. She misses moonlit walks with Serena, sharing wine and meals, confiding in her.

If Shads is on the Mother Superior route, I don’t think Serena is stopping by the cloister to visit. Their relationship isn’t quite there and frankly, Serena does not like this Shar business. I think Serena may write her a letter, sparingly- letters that Shadowheart can never keep, for safety reasons 🥺 she has to burn them all.

I *do* think Shadowheart’s spies would have eyes on the entire city, including the fact that Serena’s moved back to redeem her family name, get her estate back, and assist Wyll in rebuilding efforts. And I think it would kill Shadowheart to know she’s SO close- close enough that she and her spies know all about Tav- even the fact that she apparently has a “close companion” with her as well. 👀

At this point, the only thing I could see turning her allegiance would be the order to kill Serena, if she somehow becomes too important and Shar feels the need to strike her down. Shadowheart would insist upon doing it herself, and the way she’d come barreling back into Serena’s life would be pretty wild. The same snarky, sharp-tongued Sharran woman who was willing to kill her to complete her mission is BEGGING for a few minutes of her time. And Serena is frankly still very much in love with Shadowheart- or who she was on the way to becoming, before Shar ruined it- so she listens.

I don’t want the focus of this to be her necessarily running from the cloister- it’s more about the fact that she herself has realized this life isn’t what she wanted. Which is why it might be a better fit if it happens before she ever becomes Mother Superior or returns to the cloister. She just…feels terrible all the time. She drinks excessively. She lies through her teeth. She has people killed in her clandestine ops. The many eager lovers in her bed are not Serena, their worship is tainted, very different. The satisfaction she gets from pleasing Shar is nothing like the satisfaction of knowing she had friends, loved ones, a purpose beyond Shar. She misses Scratch and Owlbear, even 🥺

I envision them bickering like crazy but reluctantly coming together again. Tav is closed off, more than last time. She’s guarded- perhaps even courting someone new. But Shadowheart’s presence and redemption makes her fall in love with her all over again. Their bickering is charged with sexual tension. Tav still checks on Shadowheart nightly, even if she’s supposedly seeing someone else. They save each other’s asses a few times. And Serena seeing Shadowheart doing good, being a hero, allowing her sweeter and soft side to come out, even playing with children??? How could she resist? …..But that first night they allow themselves to fall asleep beside each other and Tav winds herself around Shads in her sleep?

It feels like Shadowheart is finally home. 😭💕

[shinybulbasaur]

ONE MORE PARAGRAPH AND THEN IM FREEEEEEEEEEE (kinda)

[yahargulian]

Trigun makes my brain go so crazy that I have, genuinely, been entertaining the thought of writing literature-degree-type essays on it for fun. Like cracking open books, going back into lit theory, references and everything. Just because I enjoy thinking about it and talking about it that much. Oh god

[talesfrommedinastation]

You ever read a mainstream article by a PhD that is so poorly argued and written, that you just want to find their dissertation chair and scream at them like an unhinged Karen in the Starbucks drive-through line?

Oh this piece was NOT GOOD for my blood pressure. Christ.

(Oh and I can’t find their dissertation online. SUSPICIOUS)

[iamgonnagetyouback]

I'LL SAY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?.⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ㅤㅤ●ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ S. REID

SUMMARY ৎ୭ falling in love with spencer reid was never a question, only an inevitability. it was in the way he remembered things you barely remembered saying, the way he defied probability just to make you smile, the way he learned you like you were his favorite subject. four times he surprised you—quietly, sweetly, in ways only he could. and then, when it was your turn, you made sure to give him a surprise worth remembering

WARNINGS ಇ. excessive fluff, spencer reid being the most thoughtful man alive, reader being absolutely whipped, the bau being the ultimate group of enablers, and just an overwhelming amount of love A/N ಇ. my first 4 + 1 fic for spencer, and i had to make it disgustingly sweet. this man was made for the softest love. i wrote this with heart eyes the entire time. hope you love it as much as i do ‹𝟹

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ᡣ𐭩 words.ᐟ 2,524

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ౨ৎㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

The first time Spencer surprised you, it wasn’t with some grand romantic gesture or an intricately thought-out plan—it was with a single sentence, delivered so casually you almost missed it.

You were at the BAU, perched on the edge of Spencer’s desk, absently flipping through a book he’d left open while he and Derek were mid-conversation about something you weren’t entirely following. The buzz of the bullpen droned around you, keys clacking, phones ringing—nothing unusual. You had half a mind to start daydreaming when you caught the tail end of Spencer’s words, his tone as effortless as if he were reciting a grocery list.

“—kind of like the 1972 edition of The Last Unicorn, you know, the one with the misprint where the dedication is in the wrong place. That’s her favorite edition. She mentioned it once, so if you ever see a copy, let me know.”

You blinked.

Your favorite edition? The one with the misprint? The edition you had rambled about once—once—over takeout months ago? The conversation had been a passing thought, a fleeting mention between bites of lo mein, something you’d figured was lost to the ether.

But no. Of course, Spencer remembered.

Derek smirked, a slow, knowing expression creeping across his face as he shifted his gaze to you. “Damn, pretty boy. You writing a dissertation on your girl or something?”

Heat surged up your neck so quickly it was a miracle you didn’t combust on the spot. “Spencer—”

“What?” Spencer blinked at you, genuinely perplexed by your reaction. “You said it was important to you. Why wouldn’t I remember?”

You opened your mouth. Closed it. Tried again. “Because I said it once. Months ago. In passing.”

He frowned, as if the very concept of forgetting something you loved was utterly foreign to him. “You love it. That makes it important.”

Your heart stumbled over itself, warmth pooling low in your stomach. You weren’t sure what to do with the way he looked at you, all soft certainty and quiet devotion, as if remembering the smallest details of your happiness was second nature to him.

Derek chuckled, shaking his head. “Man, you’ve got it bad.”

Spencer barely acknowledged him, tilting his head at you. “Did I say something wrong?”

You exhaled a laugh, light and breathless. “No, Spence. Not at all.”

You were still flustered. Still shocked. But more than anything, you were his. And that made all the difference.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ౨ৎㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

The second time Spencer surprised you was at the carnival. The lights flickered like a thousand fireflies overhead, washing the fairgrounds in a kaleidoscope of color. Laughter and music tangled in the air, mixing with the scent of popcorn and fried dough. You were walking past a row of game booths with Penelope, your fingers wrapped around a half-melted cotton candy, when your eyes landed on it.

A stuffed bear, slightly lopsided but endearingly so, with soft brown fur and a tiny pink bow.

“Oh, that’s cute,” you said absentmindedly, taking another bite of your sugary treat.

The game itself was one of those—the kind designed to be unwinnable. A cluster of milk bottles, stacked in a pyramid, just heavy enough and just angled enough that knocking them over with a weighted ball was statistically improbable, if not impossible.

Penelope gave you a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Sorry, sugarplum, but those are rigged to hell and back. The guy running the booth said no one’s won that all night.”

You sighed, a little disappointed but not surprised. “Figures.”

With that, you let it go, continuing forward with Penelope while Spencer lingered behind. You didn’t think much of it—he probably got distracted by something, as he often did.

It wasn’t until you were waiting in line for the Ferris wheel that you felt something tap your shoulder.

You turned, and there stood Spencer, glasses slightly askew, his cardigan sleeves pushed up, holding the stuffed bear against his chest like it was some sort of peace offering.

Your mouth parted in shock. “Spence. No.”

Spencer, looking far too pleased with himself, simply shrugged. “Yes.”

You blinked. “How—?”

“It’s all physics.” He adjusted his glasses with one hand, shifting the bear to his other arm. “The way the bottles are stacked, they create a deceptive center of gravity. Most people aim for the middle, but if you hit the base bottle at the exact right angle—”

“You’re telling me you mathed the carnival?”

“Yes.” He paused. “Technically, I scienced it.”

Penelope let out an outrageously loud gasp. “Boy Wonder, did you just hack the universe for love?”

Spencer, deadpan, said, “Would you rather I hacked it for evil?”

You didn’t respond, mostly because you were still too busy gaping at him. The keeper had said the game was impossible, and yet, here he was, holding the proof in his hands.

Spencer held the bear out toward you with a small, shy smile. “You liked it.”

You took it, warmth blooming in your chest so fast it nearly knocked you off your feet.

“Spencer Reid,” you said, voice full of wonder, “you are ridiculous.”

His expression faltered. “But in a good way?”

You lunged forward, wrapping your arms around him in a hug that nearly knocked the breath out of him.

“Yes,” you mumbled against his shoulder. “In the best way.”

And as if he hadn’t already ruined you completely, he pressed a kiss to the side of your head and murmured, “Good.”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ౨ৎㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

It started as a habit you barely noticed—something instinctive, something you never really thought about. When emotions ran too high, whether in frustration, excitement, or joy, you’d slip into your native language. A muttered curse when you stubbed your toe, rapid-fire exclamations when you got good news, whispered endearments when Spencer did something particularly sweet.

And Spencer, for all his genius, would just stare at you, brow furrowed, lips pressed together in frustration.

“I hate not knowing what you’re saying,” he admitted once, after you’d spent two minutes ranting under your breath about something someone had said. “It’s like…watching the best scene in a movie, but without subtitles.”

You had laughed, ruffled his hair, and moved on.

You didn’t think he’d actually do anything about it.

But, of course, this was Spencer Reid.

It wasn’t until months later, in the middle of a particularly heated argument over whose turn it was to do laundry, that you realized something had changed.

“Spencer,” you huffed, crossing your arms. “I literally did it last week, and I swear to God—”

You stopped mid-sentence, your frustration boiling over into a string of words in your native tongue, too sharp and fast for him to possibly understand.

Or so you thought.

Because instead of his usual confused frown, Spencer just…sighed. “I know, sweetheart,” he said, voice annoyingly soft. “You feel like you’re always the one keeping things in order, and it’s frustrating when I get caught up in my work and don’t notice.”

You froze.

Your brain froze.

Your soul left your body.

“Did you just—?”

Spencer shifted on his feet, shoving his hands into his cardigan pockets like he hadn’t just rocked your entire world. “I learned.”

“You learned?”

“Well, yeah.” He shrugged, like it was nothing, like he hadn’t just casually admitted to learning an entire language for you. “You use it when you’re overwhelmed. When you’re really happy. When you’re really upset. I wanted to be able to—” He hesitated, then sighed. “I wanted to understand you. All of you.”

You were reeling.

Your Spencer, the man who got overwhelmed by new foods and wore mismatched socks on purpose, had sat down and taught himself a whole language just to keep up with you.

The worst part? He wasn’t even bragging about it.

He was just looking at you with those big, earnest eyes, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Say something else,” you breathed, stepping closer, heart hammering in your chest.

Spencer’s lips quirked. He took your hand, lifted it to his lips, and murmured something in your language—something soft, warm, achingly tender.

You didn’t need a translation. You felt it.

And that was the moment you realized that if this man ever proposed, you wouldn’t even need a ring to say yes.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ౨ৎㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

The BAU wasn’t exactly known for throwing extravagant parties, but every once in a while—when the cases weren’t weighing too heavy, when the team needed to breathe—someone would organize a gathering. Tonight, it was at a cozy, dimly lit bar, where laughter hummed in the air, and glasses clinked together in celebration of nothing and everything all at once.

You were nursing a drink, swaying absently in your seat to the upbeat music thrumming through the speakers, when a hand ghosted over yours.

Spencer.

“I thought you didn’t dance,” you teased, raising a brow.

“I don’t,” he said. “Or, well—I told you I don’t.”

Before you could question him, he was tugging you to your feet, guiding you toward the makeshift dance floor in the center of the room.

“Spencer,” you laughed, trying to plant your feet. “What are you—?”

And then he spun you.

Spun you.

Not clumsily, not awkwardly—gracefully, like he’d been doing this for years, like he’d memorized the movements as easily as he memorized case files. His fingers found yours effortlessly, his other hand resting lightly on your waist, pulling you close in a way that sent warmth flooding through you.

Your breath caught.

“You lied,” you whispered, eyes wide.

Spencer had the audacity to smirk. “I omitted.”

You wanted to be annoyed—really, you did—but it was impossible when he was guiding you so effortlessly, his steps steady and sure, his touch sending sparks along your skin. The rest of the room faded, the music folding around the two of you like something made for this moment.

And then, over the music, someone yelled—loud, clear, amused.

"Put a ring on her, Reid!"

The team laughed, Penelope whooped, and Spencer—adorably, unbelievably—went scarlet.

But you?

You just smiled, pressing closer to him, because the thought had already taken root in your mind.

And if he kept surprising you like this, you had a feeling it wasn’t going anywhere.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ౨ৎㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You should’ve known things wouldn’t go exactly to plan.

But in your defense, you did the math.

And for a while, everything was going perfectly.

The entire BAU was in on it—except Hotch, who you had strategically placed on Spencer distraction duty. You needed someone with a natural air of authority to make sure Spencer didn’t suddenly wander back early, and Hotch, bless him, had agreed with only a single, unimpressed sigh.

Now, with Spencer successfully occupied, you had an entire team of federal agents setting up the most intricate, heartfelt surprise proposal the world had ever seen.

“Derek, the ribbons don’t loop like that,” you huffed, pointing accusingly at the offensive display of tulle bows on the ceiling. “They’re supposed to be elegant and flowy, not—” you gestured wildly at the mess he’d made, “—that.”

Derek scoffed. “Princess, I think we’re getting a little dramatic over some bows.”

“You’re dramatic over football games,” you shot back. “Let me have this.”

JJ and Emily were arranging candles while Penelope fussed over the lights, making sure everything had the perfect warm, golden glow. Even Rossi was involved, setting up the champagne and shaking his head fondly at your borderline-manic attention to detail.

Everything was falling into place.

Everything was perfect.

And then, the door opened.

At first, no one reacted. You were too busy adjusting the placement of the table centerpiece to notice. But then the silence hit you—thick, unnatural, the kind that only meant something had gone terribly wrong.

And that’s when you turned.

And saw Spencer.

Standing in the doorway.

Everyone. Froze.

Your heart plummeted.

“NO, NO, NO—” You lurched forward, waving your arms as if that would physically undo the moment. “YOU CAN’T BE HERE YET! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE UNTIL 7:05, I DID THE MATH. IT WOULD TAKE YOU APPROXIMATELY ONE HOUR TO GET HERE AND THREE MINUTES TO COLLECT YOUR THINGS FROM THE CA—”

Spencer blinked. “You… did math?”

“That’s not the point!”

Spencer looked around, taking in the flickering candles, the flowers, the absolute chaos of the team caught mid-action like deer in headlights.

“Hotch was supposed to distract you,” you accused, glaring at the universe itself.

Spencer shrugged. “Yeah, after about ten minutes of his ‘So, Reid, how’s work lately?’ routine, I figured I should leave him alone.”

You groaned. “Dammit.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. You had planned this for weeks, accounted for everything, down to the minute, and yet here you were—standing in the middle of a half-finished proposal setup, Spencer staring at you like you were an anomaly he couldn’t quite solve.

But then he smiled.

Soft. Warm. Curious.

And you realized—it didn’t matter.

The plan had never mattered. Only he did.

You exhaled sharply, shaking your head. “Okay, well, this wasn’t supposed to go like this, but—” You turned, grabbed the velvet box from the table, and without any further hesitation, dropped to one knee.

Spencer’s breath hitched.

“Oh.”

And suddenly, words were spilling out of you, tumbling past your lips faster than your brain could catch up.

“Spencer, I have never met anyone like you,” you started, voice thick with emotion. “You remember every little thing I say, even if I say it once. You math carnivals just because I looked at a stuffed animal. You learned a whole language just to understand me better. You do all of these things not because you have to, but because that’s just who you are. You love me so much that it’s written into every detail of your life, and I—I just—”

Your voice broke.

Your vision blurred.

Tears streamed freely down your face, and you knew you were a mess—sniffling, shaking, soaked in emotions that should’ve been poetic but were just loud.

“There’s a reason girls don’t do this,” you hiccuped, rubbing at your eyes, utterly failing at keeping yourself together.

Spencer let out a soft, breathless laugh.

You swallowed, gripping the ring box so tight your knuckles went white. “But I figured you’d appreciate an unexpected variable for once.”

Silence.

A beat.

And then Spencer dropped to his knees too, hands framing your face with a reverence that made your breath stutter.

“You’re ridiculous,” he murmured, and you were about to apologize, about to start rambling again, when he pressed his forehead to yours and whispered, “And I love you so much it terrifies me.”

Your breath caught.

And then he kissed you.

Soft, deep, sure. Like an answer. Like a promise.

Somewhere in the background, you dimly registered Penelope sobbing, Derek muttering, “Damn, pretty boy really does have it bad,” and Rossi popping open the champagne with a satisfied sigh.

But none of it mattered.

"Will you marry me, Spencer Reid?"

Spencer pulled back just enough to whisper, “Yes. Of course, yes,” and you knew—down to your bones—that this was the best equation you had ever solved.

©iamgonnagetyouback౨ৎ please refrain from copying, translating, or reposting any of my work

[firstknightvulion]

Rook stumbles upon a hidden bookshelf in the Lighthouse.

Rook: *running their fingers across the book spines* What’s this? Your evil plan repository?

Solas: Unimportant.

Rook: Oddly reticent. Let’s have a read.

Solas: NO!

Rook: Oh, that just makes me want to read it more.

Rook pulls a random book out and flips to a random page. The smile on their face drops. Their brow furrows.

Rook: Solas, literally the first sentence I read was: “My mouth descended upon her yearning flower.”

Solas: *coughs awkwardly and looks away*

Rook: Solas…Solas, is this your porn stash?

Solas: Erotica.

Rook: Nuance, listen—wait, this is your hand writing. D-did…did you write this?

Solas: …

Rook: *grabs another random book* You’re hand writing again. “Her masterful mouth and tongue worked my-“

Solas: You don’t have to read it out loud.

Several hours later…

Rook: * throwing books all over the place* It’s all fucking lewd’s!!! You wrote all this smut!

Solas: A mere thought experiment put to paper.

Rook: This is not a thought experiment, this is a horny dissertation! All about you and this Lavellan lady. Andraste’s Tits! Are you trying to get a PhD in Down Bad?!

Solas: Can we stop talking now?

Rook: Did you get this peer reviewed by Desire Demon’s or something? This shit’s smutty. I thought Varric was bad.

Sometime…

Lavellan: My name is Lavellan.

Rook, mouth agape, turns to the projection of Solas.

Solas: Not. A. Word.

Rook: *shaking Lavellan’s hand* Hi. I’ve read all about you.

A tear in the Fade appears. Solas reaches out and begins to strangle Rook.

I like to write Solas and Lavellan as equally unhinged.

[g0thc0re420]

Soulmates AU! Growing Pains: Leonard McCoy x Reader

Word Count: 17, 923

CW: age gap! slow burn, cursing, smut (choking), mentions death of parent. Dr. kink.

Synopsis: Maybe this was what you needed. A change of scenery, hopefully a reassignment to some other foreign planet where you could collect more samples. You rubbed the inside of your wrist. Another heartbreak, so far, the worst one of your Starfleet days. Taking a peek just to reassure yourself the mark was still there, still not yet able to make out the half image fully, you dropped your head and sighed. Maybe you were late. You had been in Starfleet practically from birth. Your mom was one of the best captains in recent Starfleet history, or depending on who you asked, she had already found her place amongst the greats, and in some instances even giving Admiral Pike a run for his money. You only hoped you could live up to what she had always imagined for you. You quickly pulled down your sleeve and stood, soulmate be damned, the stars waited for no one.

********************************

You traveled through the ranks of Starfleet quickly, as to be expected, and currently stood in front of Admiral Pike's office. You had no idea what this meeting could be about. You were on shore leave from your current assignment and you were hoping to be able to sleep in sometime this next week. You quickly shook those thoughts from your head as you raised your hand to gingerly knock on the door. Stifling your nerves, still feeling like you had been sent to the principal's office. 

“Come in,” called from the other side of the door and you took a breath to steady yourself. Entering the office you were taken aback to see a head of jet black hair already sitting in front of the Admiral. Waiting for his gesture before sitting, the two of you are too close for the formalities of Starfleet at this moment.

“I understand you’re on shore leave at the moment so we’ll make this quick. The USS Enterprise is getting ready to leave on a 7 year voyage, and Commander Spock has apparently waited until this very moment to choose his right hand, man.” You must have looked extremely confused considering the subtle taken aback look on Spock’s face. 

“I’ve kept quite an eye on you since you joined the Academy.” Spock finally spoke, and you allowed yourself to turn and look at him. “You hold a doctorate in botanical sciences and you wrote your dissertation on how we could take Hippomane mancinella and from removing one gene make a non-poisonous twin that could be used to restore coastal plains.” Spock paused for a second, glancing at Admiral Pike before continuing. “You are also my best friend, and I care very deeply for you. I hope you know that I have chosen you because you are the most logical choice for the job.”

You could feel a flush of heat spread rapidly across your face, slightly bowing your head towards him, “Thank you Commander Spock.” The slight twitch in the corner of his mouth was all you needed. 

“You also made Lt. Commander this year, you’re 24, certainly one of the youngest we’ve had in the current history of Starfleet,” Admiral Pike spoke again.

You looked back at him and cleared your throat, sitting up straighter in your chain, “Youngest to make Lt. Commander in the last 25 years,” a weight sat heavy on your chest as the sentence left your mouth. The real reason for your hesitation. 

“(Y/N) do you even realize how proud she would be of you? Even if you never joined Starfleet? You have her brains and her heart, and based on what I’ve heard from Spock here you’ve gotten one over on him more than once during sparring exercises.” 

“How long do I have to pack?” 

Three days later, you were before Spock once again. This time in an office of your own and quickly falling into a comfortable silence with the vulcan by your side. Both of your heads buried in your PADDS as you both had to finalize a few remaining documents and double check all incoming reports. You were tasked with helping Spock give out the assignments to everyone who stepped foot on the Enterprise. You painted a smile on your face and made sure everyone was where they were supposed to go. Noticing that your line was dwindling down you looked around for Spock, wanting to double check nothing else remained on your part before the USS Enterprise took off on her adventure. 

“(Y/N)?” A voice behind you half screamed your name and as you spun around your sights quickly fell on Uhura. You double checked that no one needed your assistance before sprinting over to her and enveloping her in a hug. “I thought you were away!”

“Admiral Pike called me back. I’ve been reassigned.” 

Her eyes widened as she stepped away from you in shock, “No way!” You frantically nodded as she let out an overjoyed squeal while dancing in place, “Thank god I'll at least have you for the next 7 years.”

After making a lap around the ship to make sure there were no stragglers you met Spock again, this time quickly falling in stride beside him and heading to the bridge. Quickly you were introduced to several faces you had never seen, before your eyes fell onto the man sitting in the Captain’s chair. 

A soft smirk fell on his face as he stepped toward you and pulled you into a hug, “Welcome aboard (Y/N). It’s good to have you home.” 

You pulled away from him, suddenly conscious of how many people were watching the interaction. “Thank you Captain. It’s good to be here.” Moving back to stand behind Spock you stifled the feeling of embarrassment that crept up within you. What would everyone think? He was your boss. 

Pulling out your PADD you read through a couple new reports that had started filing in while waiting for James to finish his speech and by the end of his rambling when Spock looked at his PADD all he needed to do was skim the documents and provide a signature. As he went to comment on the way you gave clear and concise instructions in response to any remaining questions in the correspondence he noticed you were already gone and there was no trace of you on the bridge.

Moments later Spock found you, already diving head deep into the research you couldn’t wait to explore. Prepping the built in greenhouse for any future plants that could cause significant problems.

“I see we are quick to begin our work,” Spock mused, hands behind his back as he stepped into what was now a barren tin can. 

“Yes!” You quickly stood from the container you were mixing starter soil in, “If we get to our next destination alive I want to be prepared,” You took a small step closer to Spock, lowering your voice hoping that no one else would hear. “I apologize for leaving the bridge so abruptly earlier. When Captain Kirk hugged me it made me extremely uncomfortable.”

“I understand the sentiment as I also do not fare well to public displays of affection.” Spock gave you that vulcan half smile again before walking over to where you previously were and picking up a pair of gloves.

*******************************

6 months in and Leonard was pissed. You had been a thorn in his side for 34 days now. For the last month he had tried hunting you down, but he didn’t even know where to start looking. Why did the enterprise even need a botanist? It was just one more patient that tested the remaining patience he had left. “Dammit Jim you promised me I would have (Y/N)’s physical exam done by the end of the week!” 

“I was just calling about that, if you want that done you’re going to have to make a house call.”

“Now why would I do that?”

“Because I might have not told them anything about being late for any sort of physical just to mess with you.”

Leonard sighed before bringing both hands up to his temples. 6 months in and he could already confirm he was going to die of a stroke. Jim was going to speed up that process tenfold if he continued with antics like this. There was some sort of virus going around the ship right now, he didn’t need to be making calls to random personal quarters. 

“When I get my hands on you.”

“Thank me later, Bones.” Leonard could hear the devious smile Jim held on his face through the comm and couldn’t help but instinctually roll his eyes as he was then told the two locations he could find you. Checking the time he was certain he would be able to find you at your quarters. He entered the turbolift and in his anger almost ran into Spock.

“Doctor.” Spock gave a subtle nod of acknowledgement.

“Commander.” The air was stiff around them. McCoy, not too sure why he didn’t like the Vulcan, maybe it was the coldness. He was so still in everything down to his breathing. Almost the complete opposite of the way a human reacts.

A lightbulb went off when he suddenly remembered that Spock was a science officer, the blue shirt had been in front of him multiple times this week and Leonard hadn’t made the connection until this very awkward moment.

“Commander Spock, one of the science officers, is late for their physical exam. I tried recruiting the Captain for his help in informing them, but apparently he’s just been playing games with me the entire time. Would you happen to know where I could find Lt. Commander (Y/L/N)?”

He didn’t miss the way the Vulcan’s eyebrows raised as he lifted his head from whatever he was reading on his PADD. Looking maybe a little too close, Leonard could see an almost quizzical look appear on Spock's face. “That is very unlike (Y/N). Some days I fear they may run a tighter schedule than me.” Spock only half spoke the latter sentence aloud, mostly musing to himself. Spock looked at the floor level the confused doctor chose and almost felt pity. Has Leonard McCoy really not met you yet? The thought was somewhat incredulous to Spock. You had to be the clumsiest human he had ever met. Sober you was almost as bad as an inebriated Jim. 

“You’re not going to find them in their personal quarters. I would start at the research library, if you don’t find (Y/N) there, go to the greenhouse.” The turbolift opened and Spock gracefully stepped out, “I wish you the best of luck Dr. McCoy.”

After getting somewhat lost from the library, Leonard finally found the greenhouse. He stopped at the door, not knowing what sort of protocol to follow, so he rapped on the door with the back of his knuckles. There was a moment of silence before he heard you call out.

“Come in,” The first thing Leonard saw when he stepped in was a giant computer system running a constant stream of intel from the plants you had collected on surface missions already. From soil hydrations, pH of the soil, humidity in different areas of the greenhouse. He looked around before seeing a pair of blue pants to his left and there you were, almost completely bent over. He didn’t even notice the trough like planter you were currently digging to the bottom of, all he could focus on was the way those blue pants clung to your body. From the roundness of your ass, his eyes trailed down to your thighs, further down to where your pants just ever so slightly flared at your calves.

“Need some help there Darlin’?

Your head quickly popped out of the planter, the blush you were currently experiencing, exacerbated the redness of regaining blood flow to your head again. Leonard felt his heart skip, his eyes grazed over you before he cleared his throat, “Are you Lt. Commander (Y/L/N)?”

“Yes I am, may I ask-”

“Leonard McCoy, CMO.” he stated gruffly before you could even finish your question, trying to push down the reaction he felt when he made eye contact with you. He didn’t need to feel anything for anyone right now. He had a job to do dammit and that job didn’t involve any sort of personal relationships.

“Oh.” You briefly looked down at your feet, the solid exterior slightly putting you off after the semi-sweet first impression he had going for him. “Well, if the CMO had to come all the way down to the greenhouse for me then it must be important. How can I be of service?” You moved closer to him, away from all the plants, and suddenly he could smell the florals on you. 

Oh god. Leonard definitely didn’t want to answer that last question. The images of you bent over that ungodly sized planter was almost enough to do him in. He didn’t know what was going on with him. “You’re late for your 6 month physical, and typically I wouldn’t hunt down a patient over something like this but you’re over a month late and you’re the last one.”

“A month?” You had to keep yourself from screeching, “I am so sorry. I can be up there first thing tomorrow morning? What time would you like me to be at med bay?”

Leonard scoffed, “Are you serious?”

“Very much so. Why would you think that I wasn’t being serious?” You looked up at him, before sitting at your desk and pulling up your schedule. “I’m assuming that 0600 is probably too early,” and Leonard couldn’t agree more, he would need to be wide awake when dealing with you. “I’ll be having my lunch around 1300 tomorrow, does that time work with you Doctor?”

Leonard felt a hitch in his breathing at the use of his title. Breathing has never been this hard for him, even when he thought he was head over heels for Jocelyn, “T-that works just fine with me, and I promise not to take up your entire lunch.”

“I’ll hold you to that Doc.” you winked at him and he watched as you added the appointment into your daily schedule. Leonard cleared his throat once again and quickly turned, leaving you back in the serene peace of the greenhouse. Realizing the time you started packing up your things, making your rounds through the nursery and checking all the levels one more time just to be safe.

***********************

Leonard had a hard time sleeping. You had a 3 minute conversation and yet you were now consuming his dreams. He kept getting pieces of what he saw last night flooding his mind as he had down time in med bay.

Checking your pulse he couldn’t ignore the feeling of your heartbeat increasing ever so slightly. “You sure you’re feeling okay Darlin.?” He couldn’t help but notice the blush that spread across your skin, covering your cheeks and nose. 

His fingers still resting on your carotid, you looked up at him from the examination bed you were currently sitting on, your eyes wide and playful, “I’m not too sure Dr. McCoy, that’s why I came to see you.”

“Is that right?” Leonard mused as he held eye contact with you, his hand slowly moving to grasp your neck, his thumb gently brushing against your lower lip-

“Bones!” Leonard was snapped out of relishing his dreams by Jim, yelling his name and flapping around his arms like he was on fire. Truth be told he didn’t even see his best friend walk in.

“Jim, what is so important that you had to come and bother me during the middle of the day?”

Jim softly slumped in the chair in front of his friend, feigning hurt at the abrupt shutdown of his antics. “So, did you make that house call?” Jim couldn’t help the smile that crept on his face. Being close to the both of you only made it easier for Jim to plan the beginning of this masterpiece.

Leonard hummed to himself, mulling over the question his friend had asked, “I did, in fact the Lt. Commander agreed to come in for their physical exam later today.” Leonard released almost a half smile as he thought of seeing you again.

“That's all?” Jim had stared at the man before him bewildered. “Bones! I was trying to set you up together! You’d be perfect for each other, and you never know, (Y/N) could be your-”

Leonard could already see where Jim was going with this and he didn’t need another lecture on his love life from Jim, “You know I’ve given up on that, besides…”

“Besides?” Jim waved his hand in the air, trying to coax the last of the sentence out of him.

“She’s only 24, Jim,” he lowered his voice, “What would everyone think of me? They’d never let me speak at the Academy again!”

“Bones, she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Even if nothing happens between the two of you, you could still use another friend. I mean when I’m all you got,” Jim gestured up and down his and shook his head. “It must be rough for you.”

“Thank you for that Jim. Now please, leave my office.” Leonard started on the paperwork he had waiting for him, not even really minding if Jim stayed, as long as he dropped the subject of you.

“Yeah, it probably is time for me to be somewhere else. I’m serious Bones, Maybe just try and get to know (Y/N) outside of the med bay. I think you’d be in for a pleasant surprise.”

Leonard couldn’t help but roll his eyes, ignoring the pit in his stomach as the scenes of you unburied themselves in his mind.

*******************

As much as you tried to focus on the report in front of you, you couldn’t help but think of the gruff doctor who visited you last night. The goosebumps that covered your body whenever he maintained eye contact with you made you want to jump him. A shiver rolled down your back as you were reminded of the southern drawl that hung in the air after he called you that damned nickname. Darlin’. Sighing you ran a hand down your face, trying anything to pull your thoughts away from the doctor who made a special late night trip just for you. 

“(Y/N) is everything okay?” Spock was now in front of your desk.

You let a tired smile hang on your lips and you rolled your eyes as the vulcan was still trying to decipher what human emotion you were feeling, “Just feeling a little worn down with the pace I’ve been holding the past couple months. I should probably try to slow down sooner than later.”

“Did Dr. McCoy find you last night?” Spock was now staring intently as you almost choked on the sip of coffee you were trying to enjoy. 

“I didn’t even know I missed the physical exam, how did you?” You stared back with the same intensity as your vulcan friend, before he finally caved.

“He almost ran over me getting on the turbolift looking for you. Apparently Captain Kirk was supposed to inform you it was due and Dr. McCoy suggested the captain had been avoiding telling you just get one over on our Chief Medical Officer.”

“Sounds like something James would do,” you ended the conversation and Spock was almost at the door before you spoke up again, “Commander Spock, I was hoping to take a few personal days at the end of this week. I can make sure everything is set and running on its own, but it’s…” you hesitated, not wanting to say the words out loud. It was crazy to you, still being affected by a day like this. To everyone else but you, two days from now would just be a regular work day. You cleared your throat, wanting to try to make it through the sentence without unleashing too many human emotions on the vulcan you held near and dear. Forgetting that if anyone understood what you were feeling, it would be Spock. “It’s her birthday.”

“I understand Lt. Commander. I also have times where the pain seems all too fresh. Your personal days are granted,  just send them to me in a formal request so we have the documentation.” You nodded your head in agreement, double checking the time, you were surprised just how fast it passed, and if you hurried, you could bring a coffee for the doctor.

Walking into med bay you held the hot coffee in your hand and smiled at the nurse who greeted you, you recognized her as Nurse Chapel, she did the exams for your transfer to the USS Enterprise. “I have an appointment with Dr. McCoy.” 

She smiled at you from the sign in desk and handed you a PADD to start filling out some general information on. “I am sure glad to see you Lt. Commander, Dr. McCoy has been going a little bit overboard trying to make sure everyone’s physicals are up to date. You’re the last one left.”

“Well hopefully once this is over Dr. McCoy can finally find something to help him relax.” You smiled at her as you handed the PADD back, she led you to a quiet exam room and assured you that the doctor would be in to see you in just a few minutes. You could feel the slight downward pull at the corners of your mouth as you glanced at the cup in your hand. “Please let Dr. McCoy know not to keep me waiting too long, unless he enjoys cold coffee.” Nurse Chapel laughed before patting your hand and walking out of the room.

You didn’t like med bay, hospitals, or anything that had to do with patching people up and hoping you’re fixing them. The white sterile room bringing up feelings of uneasiness. You looked around, setting the coffee down next to the PADD that was already in the room and taking a seat on the exam room bed. Sitting on the edge with your legs dangling you watched the clock on the wall tick. 

After two minutes of staring at the clock on the wall your comm went off. “Lt. Commander (Y/L/N)?”

You knew what it was, you had been eating lunch with Spock every day for the last 6 months. “I’m still in med bay, my appointment was until 1300 so I’m here just a little bit early. I promise as soon as i’m done here-”

Your voice faded out as Leonard walked into the room. “I’ll let you know when I am done in med bay Commander Spock.” Your eyes locked with Leonard as he stood in the doorway to the exam room, politely waiting for you to finish your conversation. Once he had your full attention you looked back at him giving a sheepish smile as he walked into the room. “I made you a coffee. It’s a flat white.” You gave a soft sigh as you revel in your thoughts for a moment. 

Leonard took in a breath when he saw the perfect white dot sitting in the caramel colored foam. “Flat whites are my favorite,” he turned to you as he took the first sip of his coffee. You were sure you were still in a dream when you saw the corners of Leonard's eyes scrunch, followed by a deep hum in his chest. Your eyes flicked down to his torso, admiring how the blue shirt clung to his broad shoulders. Following the lines of his body down you watched how his chest flexed as he turned to reach for the PADD behind him. 

“So, it says here you’re a month due for a physical exam. You’ve been on several away missions in the last 6 months, if you keep going at this pace you’re probably going to have to get a physical every 3 months.”

You couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, quickly apologizing once you saw the frown reappear on his face, “My apologies Doctor, it was just funny to me how I mentioned to Commander Spock that I needed to slow down. I’m not as spry as I was in my academy days.” 

Leonard couldn’t help but let out a deep laugh at your comment, “(Y/N) you’re 24, you’re still young and spry.”

“Dr. McCoy I was officially accepted into Starfleet Academy at 12, I have a PhD in botanical sciences and I’m the youngest person to achieve the rank of Lt. Commander in the last 25 years. I haven’t slowed down. I cut my month long shore leave down to 3 days to be transferred from the USS Scovil to the Enterprise. How many away missions have I been on?”

“43,”

“That’s 7 a month for the last 6 months. Honestly, Spock is surprised I didn’t end up down here sooner.”

“So am I, some of those away missions ended up hostile, how did you just dip under the radar?” Leonard was now taking the time to read through most of the reports on file for you. He didn’t even realize you had been on any of these, without any checkups in between.

“My mom was Captain (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N).” The prestige of her name floated through the room and you watched as Leonard took what brief information he had about you and put the pieces together, “I’ve been training in hand to hand combat since I could walk. I am perfectly capable of defending myself with every weapon on this ship. I’ve taken on Spock and won.”

Leonard was now standing in front of you, gently pressing his fingers to your neck, staring at the watch he still wore on his wrist, “What’s the deal with you guys anyway? Ya know the people on this ship don’t know how to keep anything to themselves, they like to whisper.”

“You should have heard what they were saying about Jim and I after he hugged me on the bridge in front of everyone,” you wanted to sigh at the feeling of his skin on yours, a tingling sensation seemed to linger wherever he touched you, “With Spock it’s different. We both have the same mark, like matching same sides, not opposite sides. One night I was studying for the Academy and prepping for my dissertation. I had a few and ended up laying on my balcony outside pondering the woes of life. It was the first time Spock told me I was his best friend, and I made a stupid joke about how we were halfmates. That was 5 years ago.” A fond giggle fell from your lips as Leonard removed his fingers. 

He pulled out his tricorder and started scanning you, “I know it’s weird for people to see a vulcan and a human so close, but that night Spock explained to me that finding someone with the same mark as you was almost as rare as finding your soulmate.”

A scoff fell out of the doctor’s mouth as he motioned for you to lay back, pulling out a hologram screen to run a full body scan, “You actually believe in all that bullshit?”

You could feel a blush creeping up your neck, you felt like you were on fire under his hazel gaze, “Yeah. My parents were, and from what I remember they were always so happy, my dad never remarried. He was her #1.  On and off the ship. I see the same thing in the way Spock and Uhura look at each other when the other isn’t looking. I hear the way Sulu talks about his husband. Besides,” you waved your hand in the air, needed to catch your breath as the doctor held your gaze, “They’re a soulmate, if I don’t find them in this lifetime, I’ll find them in the next.”

You wanted to disappear, watching the look on Leonard’s face morph ever so slightly into a different emotion as you explained yourself. You couldn’t help yourself from flickering your eyes down to his slightly parted lips. Never have you ever wanted to kiss someone as badly as you wanted to reach up and kiss Dr. McCoy right now.

“I guess I’ve never thought of it like that,” Leonard spoke his thoughts out loud while he looked at the reports that had generated in front of him. “I was married, she wasn’t my soulmate, but I loved her. Thought she loved me too. I think she did at one point, but from what I’ve heard, nothing’s the same after you meet “the one.”” Leonard placed air quotes and he turned to look at you, “You’re clear to go. Everything looks great.”

You sat up and Leonard offered a hand to help you down, “Thank you for the coffee, I’ve dreamt of having a coffee that good since we’ve been on this floating tin can.”

You couldn’t help but let a smile grace your features, “Thank you, it feels really great to be complimented on something that doesn’t revolve around my work  for the Federation.”

“Anytime Darlin’” Leonard let go of your hand to open the door, leading you back out to the med bay waiting area.

“I guess I’ll see you in 6 months,” you couldn’t help how your smile slightly faltered as you realized your time with Dr. McCoy was coming to an end.

“If you go on that away mission next week, then I expect to see you much sooner than that.” His eyes scanned your features, his hand still resting on the small of your back.

Thankfully the waiting room was empty and even though it was your second time meeting this man all you could think about was how intoxicating he was. His eyes seemed to drink you up, he smelled like whiskey and spice, like cinnamon and anise, and your back, it was still tingling from where his hand last rested. “Then I promise you will see me sooner than six months, Doctor.” Noticing how Leonard seemed like you hit the pause button after you used the title, it almost looked as if he was short-circuiting. 

You glanced at the time, noticing you only had half of your lunch hour left. Spock! You stepped away from Leonard and smoothed out your uniform. “Thank you for taking the time to see me today, and for informing me last night,” You gave him a soft smile, “Maybe I can bring you another coffee sometime.” 

Your nerves grew as you watched Leonard fold his arms over his chest before you saw a twinkle in his eye, “I think I would like that very much.”

“Great! Sounds like a date!” You called over your shoulder, you didn’t see the way Leonard flinched at the word ‘date, or the way he stared after you for a couple seconds longer than he should have.

**********************************

4 months later and you now had a pretty solid routine going, you and Leonard were spending more time together, mostly due to you. Every Friday morning you would meet him in his office, coffee in hand and the two of you would sit and talk about work, while you approved reports from the following night. This was an easy transition for you, and on fridays you couldn’t meet, it almost felt like you were going through withdrawals until you saw him again.

This Friday was different. The previous night you ended up spiking a fever along with a few other symptoms like chills and nausea. Spock knew you didn’t like the med bay but he also trusted you enough to know he wouldn’t need to restrain and carry you up to med bay, unlike the Captain. So he sent you away and let you know to contact him in the morning about how you were feeling.

From the second you opened your eyes it felt like someone had laid a 50lb dumbbell on your skull. All lights and sound hurt, even the dim lights around the floor in your cabin had you digging around, looking for a pair of sunglasses. You reached for your comm, “Commander Spock, are you awake?”

“Lt Commander, you know you can call me Spock when we are off duty.” There was a brief moment of silence before he started speaking again, “(Y/N) why are you whispering?”

“I have a migraine, and while my fever is gone for now, the nausea hasn’t subsided at all. I’m calling out sick today.” You chuckled as you reminisced the last time you fell ill during the course of your friendship with Spock. It was the week before you graduated with your PhD, he didn’t believe it when you didn’t show up to class at the Academy. He came home, expecting you to be out, prematurely celebrating your success. Instead he found you quite literally on death’s door. Meningitis, you had ignored the symptoms for about a week, something that Spock continuously lectured you on during your multiple day stent in the ICU. 

“If it gets any worse, I promise I will have you come drag me to med bay if need be.” It took all you could not to wince while you tried to smile at Spock through your comm, hoping he could hear the smile in your voice and not worry too much.

“I look forward to your recovery (Y/N), I don’t know how long I can handle Jim by myself.” The vulcan let out a very human sigh, and you felt a twinge of guilt roll through you as Spock went silent on the other end. 

“I promise Spock, I’m not going to let a migraine and some small stomach bug take me out. I’m resilient.” You turned off your comm before pulling the sunglasses off and laying back down in your bed, already exhausted just from walking across the room. You slowly sank back into your sheets, pulling both a pillow over your eyes and your comforter past your head, trying to drown out any ray of light that could attempt to sneak in.

******************

Leonard was becoming worried, you weren’t ever late for your friday coffee meetings. That’s what Leonard considered them. Meetings, you sat together, always drinking a new drink or new coffee from some of the friendlier planets in the solar system. Leonard was amazed when you told him about the multiple coffee plants you had in the greenhouse, hoping to one day be able to cultivate them. They were meetings, always revolving about what the other did the previous week or what new thing was currently bogging down your workload. Leonard was a gentleman, he wouldn’t consider the friday morning coffee ritual as a date, he had never formally asked you on a date, and at this point it was clear to him you didn’t seem very interested in taking this friendship any further than that. Just friends.

He debated walking back out into the waiting area to see if you were there. You didn’t even sign in on Fridays anymore, after the first couple weeks you would just walk into his office, coffee in hand, PADD tucked to your side. His thoughts were brought back to the conversation you had last week.

“Morning,” You greeted as you walked into his office, Leonard immediately noticed you looked off. Leonard didn’t know if he could tell because he was trained in recognizing the signs of when someone was sick or if he had just been around you enough to notice the subtle differences. You hair was thrown into a low bun, you seemed to be more slouched and you looked as if you were walking through mud. 

“Mornin’ Darlin’” Leonard echoed your sentiment back as you pulled one of the chairs from in front of his desk so you were sitting right beside him. A yawn pulled itself from you as you sat the mugs down on the desk. 

“It’s hot chocolate today,” you looked down at your hands, suddenly bashful at the thought of disappointing him with no coffee in sight, “I just don’t think I can handle the caffeine today, it’s practically the only thing I’ve consumed the past 4 days and I wanted something to make me feel better,” you were almost whispering at the end of your sentence. 

Leonard wrapped his arm around you as laid your head on his shoulder, finding solace in the crook of his neck. You were so still and quiet he could have convinced himself you had fallen asleep if it weren’t for the feeling of your eyelashes brushing the exposed skin of his neck every couple of seconds. He noticed how pale you looked, the dark circles forming under your eyes. 

He wanted to lecture you about taking care of yourself. You should know how much sleep you should be getting, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He knew it wasn’t what you needed. He was okay being your comfort at this moment, Lord knows you’ve done it plenty of times for him. Sneaking into his quarters after hours to listen to him rant after a particularly long day, He fell asleep on your lap once, he awoke to a note from you. It was an emergency, some ensign removed the wrong plant from the nursery and potentially exposed the entire staff in the greenroom to a noxious gas the plant emitted when it wasn’t mature enough to be transferred out of the nursery.

“Len,” You mumbled against his neck. He couldn’t help the way his heart swelled at the nickname. He hummed in response to you, “I grew the cocoa beans used to make that hot chocolate and if you don’t drink it I might actually cry from exhaustion. He couldn’t help the involuntary chuckle that bubbled out of him. He grabbed his mug as you sat up again, taking a sip, it was the best hot chocolate he had ever had the pleasure of drinking. He watched as you pulled out your PADD, checking the cameras in the greenhouse, before standing abruptly. 

“I have to go. I’m so sorry but if that ensign is about do what I think he’s doing then I could lose almost a year's worth of research!” You moved so fast you forgot all about the hot chocolate, leaving your favorite mug on his desk. 

Leonard still had the mug, he hadn’t been able to find an appropriate time to drop by your quarters to return it, but he also didn’t want to intrude on your work. You always made sure to come in before the med bay opened and unless you were getting back from an away mission, you didn’t hang around the med bay waiting for the chance of a quiet moment with Leonard. It was quite pleasant for him actually. Knowing that you could both go off and do your jobs, before reconnecting with each other gave him confidence in your relationship, friendship. He means friendship. 

Leonard wiped the tired from his eyes once again before stepping out of his office. Ready to take on the day, his light just slightly dulled this morning without his ball of sunshine bounding through the door before his work had to begin. Today was going to be a long day. He grimaced, his frown deepening and the lines on his forehead etching themselves a permanent figure of the day. 

**************************

It was finally lunch time, and Leonard had made up his mind hours before that he was going to use his lunchtime wisely and find you. His first stop was the green house, a couple of science officers were around as well as a handful of ensigns. He had walked the perimeter of the greenhouse, not finding you anywhere, not that he needed to look. Most of the time he just knew if you were somewhere. He was always able to find you. Even at the lavish holiday party the captain held for everyone Leonard was able to find you within minutes. He stayed by your side the whole night. He even danced with you a couple of times.

Lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice he caught the attention of Commander Spock until it was too late. “Dr. McCoy, is there anything I can help you with?” 

McCoy had a sinking feeling in his gut when he lifted his head up and saw Spock sitting at your desk, reading down a thorough check list to be completed by the end of the day. “I’m just looking for (Y/N). We usually do coffee in the morning on Fridays but they didn’t show up today. At all. Usually they’ve already contacted me and we would have rescheduled.” Leonard was still unsure how much he could trust the Vulcan so he wasn’t willing to go into further detail than that.

“(Y/N) has told me about the early morning rendezvous with you. They greatly appreciate them.” Spock straightened himself, separating the emotions from the conversation. “Lt. Commander (Y/L/N) is sick. I sent them to their quarters yesterday after they developed a fever. Today they told me their symptoms were a migraine and nausea. They are extremely prone to migraines, most days the Lt. Commander can just work through them,”

“(Y/N) is sick?” It’s not that Leonard didn’t believe the vulcan but he had even seen Spock sick during this last year on the ship, but you hadn’t even visited med bay once with even a case of the sniffles. Hell, because of Jim, even he had to be quarantined at least once in the last three months, “Any other symptoms I need to know about?”

“Not that I am aware of Dr. McCoy. However it seems the Lt. Commander’s migraines have become slightly more frequent in the last couple of months.”

Leonard took a mental note of what the vulcan was saying and his next mission was to get to your quarters. He had noticed last week you didn’t look like your usual self, now he was kicking himself for not pushing you to get checked out. He let his emotions for you get the better of him and he just focused on finding you. He was the CMO. He shouldn't be letting romantic emotions cloud his judgment when it comes to patient care.

Arriving at your door, Leonard gave a brief knock, waiting in the silence of the corridor to hear you call out, but there was no response, he tried his comm, “Lt. Commander (Y/L/N), Commander Spock informed me you were sick, I’m here to just make sure you’re doing okay.” No response, remembering the last time your comm went silent, a shudder ran through Leonard. 

Another away mission, Jim said he confirmed the planet was abandoned, the only forms of life the Enterprise found were plant and animal life. Of course that turned out to not be the case and soon everything went to shit. Leonard already had his hands full with red shirts needing stitched up when everything stopped. 

Jim and Sulu bust through the med bay doors, your limp body being held up by the two of them, “She was walking just a few seconds ago, but now she’s limp!” He watched Jim’s pleading eyes flickering around for anyone who was available to help. Spock was following behind and when it seemed like Jim and Sulu were about to lose their battle with supporting your dead weight, Spock stepped in and scooped you up. Cradling you in his arms like a child.

Leonard couldn’t do anything for the first 30 seconds, watching the way your body just hung there, no movement from you except the extremely quick and labored breathing you were exhibiting. He fully didn’t know what he was doing until he just left the red shirt sitting in front of him, having one of the nurses continue the stitches he was currently working on. When he finally reached you, it was hard to determine what blood was yours and what wasn’t.

Spock laid you on the closest open bed and Leonard began scanning you, with not only his tricorder but his eyes as well. He placed two fingers on your neck and closed his eyes, ignoring the tingling that started small in his fingertips and worked its way up his arm. Your pulse was strong and the sense of relief Leonard felt was strong enough to clear his head, though he still had to focus to not drop to his knees. 

Looking at the PADD with your scans, he had to have looked visibly confused, because both Spock and Jim had tried to peek over his shoulder to read your medical information on the device in his hand. “She has no external injuries, and I can’t find any internal bleeding. What happened out there?”

Jim spoke first, “It was an ambush, they were waiting to show themselves until we hit the ground. (Y/N) had already made a break for the treeline, she was looking for a specific plant. They came out of nowhere, and Scotty was trying to beam us all out but he couldn’t get a steady signal on (Y/N). They were engaged in battle, 3 on 1. It didn’t stop until she-” Jim suddenly stopped his account of what happened on the foreign planet, almost too afraid to finish his sentence. 

“We were finally able to get a steady signal and beamed them to the transporter, only after Lt, Commander (Y/L/N) had been thrown into a tree,” Spock finished for the Captain.

“I could have taken them if Scotty and Chekov hadn’t been yelling in my ear the entire time.” You slowly opened your eyes, bracing yourself for how bright the room surrounding you would be. “And it was 4 on 1 James.” There it was again, you were the only person who could get away with calling the Captain by his government name. 

The breath Leonard didn’t know he was holding released as he made his way to your side, “From what I heard, you kicked ass down there.” 

A sheepish smile was your response, he didn’t know why, but he needed to be close to you, he would have sat down on the bed and pulled you into his chest if he didn’t have his current audience. “You hit your head pretty hard (Y/N), and while it doesn’t look like a concussion I want to see you back here in 3 days just to make sure nothing else is going on.”

Leonard was pulled back into the present by your door opening, and there you were, gorgeous. Leonard couldn’t help the small smile he felt when he looked down at you. Noticing the way your messy locks fell around your face and the out of regulation pajamas you were wearing. The dark circles under your eyes more prominent now than they were last week.

“Len, what are you doing here?” You shielded your eyes from the brightness of the hallway. Wincing in pain when you tried looking up at him.

“Spock told me you were sick. I came to check on you.” A soft shrug from him and he didn’t miss how you seemed too tired to even roll your eyes at your boss for ratting you out to the CMO. You motioned at him with your hand before turning and walking back into your quarters. 

Leonard had never actually been inside your living space until now, and he couldn’t help but feel immediately at home. Photos hung on your walls, photos of you from medical school, at the academy, there was one that caught his eye immediately. You and Jim, while both younger than you are now, were instantly recognizable. Jim was holding you on his shoulders, you held your PhD in your hand. Your joy in the photo emanating into the real world. Then he saw it, your mark. 

Perfectly placed inside your wrist, he stepped closer, he could hear his blood swishing in his ears as he finally put two and two together. There it was, staring at him. He now had proof that his entire life you had been the one he was waiting for. An uneasy feeling sank over him. He just needed to push everything down. He was a doctor, he had a job to do, and he wouldn't let this discovery change anything.

**********************

You watched as Leonard looked around your small apartment, he was currently observing the photos on your walls. You were tired, you laid down on your couch and pulled a blanket up past your head. Your migraine now just a dull throb at the back of your skull. You could now hear Leonard shuffling around your kitchenette. When you finally pulled the blanket down you could see him standing in front of you.

There was a mug in one hand, and a tricorder in the other. “Leonard, I promise I’m fine. It’s just a migraine.”

Leonard scoffed before setting the mug down, “According to Commander Spock, your migraines have been more frequent lately, he also mentioned a fever and nausea.”

“Spock can’t keep his damn mouth shut can he?” You replied before moving into a sitting position and allowing the doctor to scan you. You hummed as his hand brushed across your wrist, immediately finding the spot to check your pulse.

“I was worried about you, ya know,” Leonard softly spoke. “When you didn’t show up this morning I knew something was wrong,” his sentence ended in a mumble of words. You couldn’t help but reach up and place a hand on his cheek. 

“I apologize for making you worry, Doctor.” This time, you could feel his jaw slightly clench and you watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. 

“(Y/N),” you noticed he was closer now, hovering mere inches from your face. 

“Yes Leonard?” You could hear the catch in your breath as you spoke. His breath fanned across your face, the mintiness from brushing his teeth still lingering. The proximity of being so close had your heart going crazy and you couldn’t seem to think straight. As quickly as the moment started, he ended it. Pulling away and tucking his tricorder into his hip. 

“Well, everything seems fine, and nothing is broken.” He made his way to your door. “Drink the tea, and take it easy for the next couple of days,” and with that he opened the door and walked away.

******************************

You hadn’t seen Leonard for two weeks, even on your last away mission he had someone else do you exam. He wouldn’t even come out of his office while you were in med bay. The daily throb in your heart of the rejection didn’t stop your stride but it definitely slowed it. You were second guessing yourself and you couldn’t seem to focus unless you had someone else to hold you accountable. You slept more these days, not being able to stay late in the greenhouse for the fear that your mind would start to wander and then you had your heart breaking all over again.

Sitting in the mess hall with Spock at lunch you were approached by an ensign. A yellow shirt, and when you looked behind him, you could see Sulu intently watching the interaction unfolding in front of him. “Lt Commander (Y/L/N), I was hoping I could invite you to the party we’re having tonight.”

You smiled up at him, intending to find a way to gently let him down, when the unsuspecting doctor walked into the mess hall, and you couldn’t help but smirk, motioning him closer to you, you decided to just be honest, “Listen kid, I’m sure you’re great, but someone already has my heart.” You watched their face slightly falter, “However, they’re too stubborn to admit it, help me make him jealous and I think I can talk to the Captain about your incredible performance.” 

You weren’t expecting the quick nod of their head or the salute they sent your way from the table, keeping the smile on your face, you couldn’t help but laugh as Spock finally made eye contact with you. “I don’t see how you attending a party with a member from the flight crew could in any way make Dr. McCoy jealous.” 

You could hear the ensign talking to Sulu as Dr. McCoy passed their table, “She said yes!” The ensign looked back over at you and waved, you made sure an enthusiastic smile was planted on face as you waved back, pretending not to feel Leonard’s glare boring into you as you turned back to Spock, “Just like that Commander Spock.” The vulcan couldn’t help the sigh of disappointment. Why must the two of you make things so complicated?

       “Lt. Commander, wouldn’t it just be easier to tell Dr. McCoy, how you feel about him?” 

     You sighed, eyes bouncing around the room before landing down at the plate of replicated food in front of you, “I wish. He’s been avoiding me for 2 weeks now. Hell, the other day I helped another science officer to med bay and he wouldn’t even look at me,” you shrugged your shoulders before collecting your belongings, “I think maybe I should turn my affections elsewhere as Dr. McCoy has made it clear to me that he would no longer like a friendship with me, let alone a romantic relationship.” You turned on your heel, already done with the conversation and quite frankly done with the way your thoughts were constantly brought back to the man who wanted nothing to do with you.

     You didn’t even see Leonard approach your table at the end of your conversation with Spock, determined to outrun the wave of emotions you could feel rising up in your chest. 

******************

    The party was great, it really was, but you felt so out of place. Parties weren’t usually your thing and the ensign who asked you to the party quickly forgot about you as soon as you defended Spock in the middle of a heated conversation. Sulu ended up having to coax you away from the group as the insults toward your best friend kept coming, and you quickly rolled up your sleeves. 

“Hey, you’re okay, anyone who really knows Spock knows that he’s actually a really great guy.” Sulu rubbed your arm as he led you to the bar. “Plus, it would be a little uncomfortable to end up in med bay right now.”

You scoffed and could help the incredulous look you gave him, “I wouldn’t have ended up anywhere but my cabin. The best part is none of them would have even known who I was until Captain Kirk inevitably got involved, and I also know that James would throw himself on top of a live grenade for me.”

Sulu couldn’t help but roll his eyes at you before handing you one of the drinks he ordered, “You and the captain are close too?” 

“Yeah, he’s like an older brother. My mom and his dad were close, so he was over all the time when we were younger, he’s the one who pushed me to apply for my doctorate degree and even filled out a couple of applications behind my back, and he protected me more than once from creeps when he would sneak me into the bar with him.” You downed another drink the drink and looked at the crowd opposite of where you currently were, “I could still take him,” 

“How many of those have you had tonight?” Sulu nodded at the empty glass in your hand.

You shrugged, setting the glass back down on the bar, “I lost count about 30 minutes ago.”

The comment earned you another laugh from the man beside you and suddenly your comm went off, “Lt. Commander! It’s great to see you here!” Your head suddenly turned into a swivel as you scanned the party, looking for the biggest pain in your ass you had ever met. Someone grabbed your shoulder from behind you and reflexively threw them over you to the ground, before placing a foot on their chest to keep them on the ground.

The laugh that followed had smoke coming out of your ears and suddenly you were a teenager again, “Chekov! Don’t do that!” You couldn’t help but stomp your foot on the ground, “I could have hurt you!”

“Did you just stomp your foot? Are you throwing a tantrum right now?” You helped Chekov off the ground and you noticed how he had been grinning the entire time.

“How am I supposed to get any peace on this ship when I have a gaggle of men I have to constantly keep from killing themselves?” You feigned anger and dramatically threw your hand back to your forehead. 

“Well, who else would keep us in check if we didn’t have you?” The puppy dog eyes from both Sulu and Chekov broke past your resolve and you pulled both of them into a hug. Kissing both of them on the top of the head before pulling away.

“Who’s gonna take care of you when I’m gone? I’m 25 now, in my prime, someone could wife me up right now and I’d be whisked away in a flurry of love and babies.” You watched the horror spread over their faces and you couldn’t help but feel proud of yourself.

Chekov quickly dropped to one knee and you couldn’t help the feeling of embarrassment that filled you, a pit in your stomach forming and even with the threatening look on your face, the ensign didn’t move off the ground, “Well, if you’re going to get married, I think we both,” he paused and nodded at Sulu who couldn’t help the comical smile on his face as he stared at the scene unfolding in front of him. “Would prefer if you did get married that you wouldn’t be whisked away from us.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, the first real laugh you had experienced in weeks, and soon you were laughing so hard you had tears pricking at the back of your eyes, “You’re really taking marrying up to a whole new level,” you dropped into a squat, resting your body weight on your balls of your feet as you got within eye level of your friend, “You’re drunk Chekov, you wouldn’t remember this in the morning if you wanted too.” You gently pushed on him back by his forehead, as you expected Chekov, who was extremely drunk for this early in the night, fell backwards. What you didn’t expect was him flailing, grabbing you, and throwing you down the stairs from the bar after him. 

Everything that happened next was in fast forward as a group of people were on both of you, you could feel your face flush with embarrassment. As swiftly as the embarrassment settled, the overstimulation was sudden and you were going to freak out. There were too many people, people were trying to touch you, some trying to help you up, and everyone was speaking at once. You closed your eyes, you could feel an ache in your head, and something warm in your hair. You could hear James shuffling through the crowd, using his captain's voice to part the sea of swarming people. 

“(Y/N) are you okay?” You were lifted to your feet, wincing as he put pressure on your shoulder. James instantly repositioned the way he was supporting you. You quickly looked around and saw Chekov, he came bounding over to you as soon as you were up.

“Chekov, are you okay?” You reached up and started inspecting him, which earned you a laugh.

“I just tucked and rolled!” He spun in front of you as if to prove his point. 

“Yeah,” you suddenly noticed the pain in your shoulder was growing, “Wish I got a heads up,” you couldn’t help but laugh with the ensign and you rested most of your weight against your longest known friend. 

“(Y/N) you’re bleeding. From your head. We gotta go.” 

You looked up at him, trying to pull your best puppy dog eyes through the growing pain, “But James, it just got fun!”

“Remember when you said that after your commissioning?”

You groaned, you had been trying to forget about that night since it happened, you got drunk. Totally wasted with James at a surprise party he threw for you , cheering you on and even challenging you to go shot for shot. You fell off the second story balcony, thankfully into bushes, but nevertheless walked away with a concussion and a pretty nasty bruise that consumed most of your lower back. “Fine, let’s go.”

*********************

Jim regretfully walked you to med bay, he wondered if this is what he put Bones through everytime he got sick or injured, “What is going on with you tonight?”

“I really don’t want to go to med bay and I really really don’t want to see Leonard McCoy.” You automatically imitated the grumpy doctor, even furrowing your brows like he would.

“I thought you two were friends?” What had he missed, the last time Bones had talked about you, he thought the two of you had something, it was the most he had seen his friend smile in, well, the entire time he had known him.

You bellowed a dry, sarcastic laugh, “Yeah, me too.” You looked away from him, suddenly more interested in the floor than the conversation you were having, “I thought we could have been more,” you whispered under your breath. 

Jim stopped walking, turning your head so he could look you in the eyes, “(Y/N), Bon- Leonard is a complicated man. He doesn’t always know what’s best for him right away. Even when the best thing to happen to him is right in front of him.”

You shook your head, trying to break the look Jim was giving you, “No, it’s my fault. I thought he was going to kiss me. I read the signs all wrong, and now he hasn’t talked to me in 16 days, and now I’ve ruined a perfectly good friendship.” 

Jim wiped away a tear that started sliding down your cheek, pulling you into his chest and kissing the top of your head. You gently sobbed into his chest, trying to be quiet in the corridor with a few people still bustling around you. His heart breaking at seeing you this heartbroken. He had been there for other break ups, most of the time you rationalized it, even to him. 

‘It wasn’t meant to be’ was after Chandler, a snotty rich kid who tried desperately to buy his way into your pants. He tried using his dad’s rank to intimidate you, trying to use the power of someone else to make you do what he wanted. Even after you had broken things off, there were some nights you would still sleep on Jim’s couch, afraid to go back to your dorm. He wasn’t a problem for you much longer.

“She just wasn’t the one,” was after Savannah. Someone who you remained in contact with to this day. You were there when Savannah got her dream job, she thanked you in her speech when she graduated top of her class, and most importantly you were her daughter’s godmother. Every shore leave, every break from school, you made her and her family one of your top priorities. Jim had even seen you leave study groups or parties just to go spend time with her.

“My soulmate is still out there,” Was after Ashton. It had been a few years, Jim thought you guys were happy, but then came the inevitable. You stormed into his apartment, not even bothering to knock as there was nothing Jim was going to be doing that you hadn’t seen at least once already. He was married. You were humiliated, you didn’t go out unless you were going to school for weeks. Beating yourself up for not knowing. Jim had to remind you countless times that it wasn’t your fault, you had no idea of knowing that this man was married, hell Jim even did digging of his own after things got serious and he couldn’t find anything. 

He couldn’t help the look of pity he gave you as you pulled yourself out of his chest, wincing at the pain as he released you. “Whatever happened to the girl who could rationalize these things? Your other half is still out there,” he said softly.

More tears welled up in your eyes. You shook your head again, more violently this time, as if trying to shake the tears away. He couldn’t help but empathize with your sorrow. He would have put the pieces together himself if you had given him time, but you spoke again. “James, he is the one. And now he won’t even look at me.”

Jim’s eyes widened in disbelief. Never in the entire time of knowing you did he think you would ever say those words. It was supposed to be the two of you, lone wolves for the rest of your lives. “You really love him, don’t you?” he asked, pulling you into his side. You nodded, and he kept his arm around your ribcage for support, careful to avoid putting pressure on your shoulder. “And you should probably try to stop crying before we walk through that door.”

**********************

Walking into med bay, you couldn’t help but feel mortified at how you must look. You could feel the blood in your hair even more now, and you couldn’t even bear to lift the arm with the damaged shoulder. Not to mention how the makeup you wore for the night probably looked after you cried into James’s chest. You quickly glanced at him, stifling a laugh as you pointed at the mascara stain on the dress shirt he was currently wearing. 

“You think that’s funny?” You watched as he dramatically tried to wipe the makeup off his shirt. “Ya know, this better win me some brownie points.” 

You laughed harder at the comment, “Speaking of brownie points, I promised the ensign who asked me to the party that if he helped me make Leonard jealous I would put in a good for him with you.” You couldn’t help the dreamy smile that fell on your face just mentioning him, “Then he said Spock was an asshole and now I think we should just shoot him out into the void of space.”

“I forgot how mean you get when you drink.”

“Who else do we have tonight?” You didn’t want to turn around, the southern drawl in his voice was something you didn’t even notice how much you had missed until this very moment. You wanted to cower behind James, you wanted to run and hide. You wanted to beg James to turn around and patch you up in your quarters. Before you could speak, James did. 

“Well, I decided to throw a party and things got a little out of hand. The Lt. Commander was practically thrown down a flight of stairs. I think they have dislocated a shoulder and they’re bleeding. From the head.” 

You couldn’t stop yourself when you jabbed an elbow into his ribcage, pushing through the pain to let him know how you felt, “I’m fine, I just hurt a little bit.”

James poked you in the shoulder, using the littlest bit of pressure, causing you to rear back and stifle down a groan of pain, “You asshole!”

You didn’t miss the sigh or the eye roll from the handsome doctor in front of you, and now you were pissed. You were trying to have a good time tonight, and yet absolutely no one was able to take him off your mind, and now here you were, standing in front of him, looking like a complete mess, “Listen, you obviously don’t want me here, and quite frankly I don’t want to be here, so if you could just put my shoulder back in place so I can go away, that would be great.”  You sighed before turning away from them and finding the closest open bed, “Stop looking at me like that James, I can feel your eyes in the back of my head.” 

You couldn’t hop onto the bed without jostling everything that hurt, so you chose to plant yourself in one of the visitor chairs beside the bed. Your head resting back against the wall, closing your eyes and trying to prevent the tears trying to escape, the pain now moving toward the range of extreme and you finally touched your head. Pulling it away to inspect your fingers, there was the blood now sticky. You sighed, annoyed with the fact that showering after tonight was going to be hard.

********************************

Leonard pushed through the privacy curtain and for a couple of moments he just looked you over with his eyes. Jim had told him what happened. The thought of Chekov proposing, no matter how fake, seemed to enrage him. The thought of you with any man did that to him, not to mention the blatant flirting in the mess hall the other day. He wanted to track down the ensign who asked you to the party down, give him a piece of his mind. He wanted to let the ensign know that he shouldn’t be hitting on his woman.

But you weren’t his, were you? Jim let him know about the conversation in the hallway, how you cried after telling him how long it had been since he had been icing you out. Has it really been 16 days?  Jim told him he needed to fix it. Leonard wasn’t sure he could. How would he even go about letting you know that the only reason he was acting this way was so he didn’t break your heart. He was damaged, and had too much baggage for someone as sweet as you. He didn’t want to ruin you.

Looking at you now though, past the injuries of the night, Leonard realized that his way of trying not to cause you any harm was actually doing the most harm. Your eyes were closed, but still slightly puffy and tear streaks had etched their way onto your cheeks. The blood in your hair now drying and matting your hair together. From just looking at your current posture he wasn’t too concerned with any broken bones, but he suspected Jim was probably right about the dislocated shoulder. 

He cleared his throat to get your attention, watching closely as your eyes slightly opened. He didn’t miss the glimmer in your eye as you finally looked at him, and when you held his gaze Leonard let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. The need to be close to you reared its head again and it took all of his self control to not sprint the short distance to you. He sat on the med bay bed so he was closer to eye level. He didn’t really know what to say. 

“Hi,”

Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open at his opening line choice. “Hi? Are you fucking kidding me? Hi?” You threw your good hand in the air, wincing from the sudden change in posture, as you whisper screamed at him. The both of you knew there was an extremely high chance Jim was trying to eavesdrop on the two of you.

“What else am I supposed to say?” Leonard almost couldn’t believe himself, who says hi?

“Maybe, I’m an ass for not talking to you for 2 weeks but let me stitch up your head.”

“I am sn sss.” 

You huffed, sitting up straighter, “Or maybe, it looks like your shoulder is dislocated, let's get it back into place and get you out of here.”

“If that’s what you want me to do.” 

“Of course I want you to fix me! Why else would I drag myself down here?”

So you wanted to fight, Leonard could do that, “Oh, so you have to drag yourself down here?”

“Right now, yeah? I literally have no other choice!”

Leonard wanted to smirk, “So you only wanted me because you had no other choice?”

You gasped and looked at the ground, “You know that’s not what I meant.” 

Leonard stood, grabbing the PADD he had with him, “I’m not the one who said it.” 

“Yeah, and I’m not the one who made me fall in love with you.” Leonard froze, just barely able to hear you, you had dropped into a barely audible whisper. Leonard didn’t know if it was from fear of saying it outloud or hoping he wouldn’t hear it.

“Yeah, well what are you going to do about that?”

He watched as your head snapped up, and if looks could kill Leonard was sure his head would have exploded right then and there, “You’ve obviously already made your choice, so maybe just get me the hell out of here and transfer my care to someone else. That way you'll never have to see me again.”

He sighed, not really wanting to do this now, but it looks like he was going to have no other choice, “(Y/N)-”

“Save it. I don’t want to hear it, now please, just fix me enough so that I can go back to my quarters and shower, I need to get this blood out of my hair.”

“(Y/N)-”

“I’m serious-”

“If you would shut up you would know that I’m in love with you too!”

Leonard had never raised his voice at you before, and the look on your face made him regret it instantly. He crouched in front of you and cradled your face in his hands, “I am so head over heels for you Darlin’” He looked into your eyes, searching for anything other than the rage they currently held, “It scared me. That night in your room, when I saw the way you were looking at me, I knew. I never wanted anyone to look at me the way you did. I panicked. I ran and hid, hoping that if I just pushed everything down for long enough then-” He sighed again, his breath feeling like a cotton ball in his throat.

******************

You were pissed. Angry at Leonard for ignoring you, angry that you were in med bay, angry that Leonard wouldn’t shut the fuck up. You were trying so hard to move past the feelings you had for him, but you always seemed to end up right back in front of him. 

“Why?” You couldn’t stop your mouth from moving, even though in this moment you desperately wanted him to shut up. You could hear how tired he was, making the southern accent more prominent, making your heart swell. 

“Well, I’m broken. Told Jim that Jocelyn took everything in the divorce. All I got is my bones.”

“So that’s where the nickname comes from? James tries so hard to call you Leonard to my face, like the nickname is a secret or something.” You could feel the way he looked at you, choosing to focus on the nickname instead of anything else he just told you. “Leonard, we can continue this conversation later, but my shoulder really hurts. Please help me.”

Leonard helped you onto the bed, and slightly straightened you up. “Um, I need to take your shirt off, I need to see-”

You couldn’t help but blush. You had thought this before, not in this context. Your fantasies usually revolved around his office, in the shower, maybe you thought about you and him in the greenhouse once or twice, but never like this, “I’m gonna need some help with that.”

Leonard slowly pulled your arm out of the sleeve, and you almost thought you could see him shaking, “Len, I’m not made of porcelain.” You could hear him release the breath he was holding, his thumb dancing over your wrist. Soon enough you were topless, you could see a bruise forming. Your shoulder felt so wrong. You almost couldn’t describe it. It felt taut like it was being pulled, but you felt like you had no control, you couldn’t shrug if you tried. 

“This is gonna hurt, according to these scans not only is your shoulder dislocated but you have a torn AC ligament.” He laid you down, placing your arm down over the edge of the bed, and quickly pulling your arm into a 90 degree angle, while rotating your arm. You felt the relief as you heard your shoulder pop back into place. Then the hypo, and if your shoulder still didn’t throb a little you would have hit Leonard.

“That’s gonna help with the pain and swelling, and this one,” He stabbed you again, “Is gonna help with that ligament, but you cannot lift anything heavier than 15 pounds until I clear you, and because this can still affect your range of motion, we’ll still have to keep a close eye on it. Usually for a dislocated shoulder we would recommend a sling, but we’re going to need movement if you want to be able to maintain your current quality of life.”

“Okay, and the treatment plan?” You sat up and gingerly pulled your shirt over your head.

“Well the fact you were able to do that is a good sign.” He took a step back from you, “Stand up and hold your arms directly out in front of you,” You did, your left arm not reaching quite as high as your right hand, “Now out to the side,” again, the left shoulder not quite as high. “Drop them to your sides and shrug,” You almost couldn’t. Trying with all of your might to move your left side up to your chin. The smallest inch of movement had you content. 

“4-6 weeks,” Leonard smashed the contentedness. “I know, it seems like a long time, but (Y/N) losing range of motion for your line of work would hinder you in more ways than one. Even with the medicine we have, we can only speed up the human body's healing time by so much. If it was any worse I would have said 8.” He took a step closer to you and took your hand in his. “Now stop pouting and let me check your head.”

*****************************************

It had been 3 days since the last time you had seen Leonard, the longest amount of time the two of you had gone since that night in med bay. You had even spent the night once or twice. However, this time you weren’t anxious about it. He didn’t consume your thoughts like before and for the first time in weeks, you finally felt like you were back in your groove. You were on the last 2 week stretch of desk duty, and not surprisingly you were spending most of the time following Spock around, or wandering around the greenhouse, trying to politely remind people that your way was the right way and you were actively writing the protocol for this.

However, right now you were moping. Looking like someone ate your candy and you couldn’t help it. Everyone who you could bother during the day was gone. A new planet, going where no man has gone before, or whatever the excuse was. You just knew you were bored and there was no one around to entertain you. You soon found yourself wandering to med bay, hoping that you could catch a moment alone with Leonard. You waved at the nurse sitting at the desk, before making your way to Leonard's office. You knocked on the door and when you didn’t hear a response you slowly opened the door.

Stepping into the office you glanced around, it was empty. You frowned even more, wanting to fold your arms over your chest and huff. You made your way back to the desk and faced the nurse. “Where’s Dr. McCoy?”

“The captain asked him to join the team going down the surface today.”

“Oh, okay. Can you let him know I stopped by? He wanted me to come down for a follow up.”

The young boy sitting behind the desk smiled at you and straightened his posture a little, “Yeah, can I get a name? Lt. Commander (Y/N). Thank you.” You smiled back before heading back out into the hallway. 

Back in the greenhouse you couldn’t stay focused, wanting to wander and more than enough times trying to sneak in and help with the rearranging currently going on. Every time someone caught you and every time they threatened to tell Spock. Eventually you conceded, holing yourself away in your office. You couldn’t help the way you stared off into literal space. Not being able to keep your mind busy with anything work related, you decided to give up. You pulled out your PADD and started drawing. Focus every bit of [ent up energy into the smallest details on the pages… 

Just wanting something to keep you busy. And you were now in a field, it looked like home. Yellow dandelions and honeysuckle sprouting up everywhere, you could feel the cool grass beneath your toes. The wind was warm and steady. The sky was cornflower blue and white wispy clouds were scattered throughout. You finally felt calm. You closed your eyes, trying to breathe in the moment. A hand grasped yours, you looked over and there he was. The man who completely consumed your dreams. You could see it. This is where you spent most of your time, the space you went to in duress. 

The image shifted, now you were in a house. Your mom’s home. It smelled exactly as you remembered. You heard the kettle on the stove and made your way to the kitchen, laughter floated through the air. The kitchen now in view, your mom was now at the counter, filling a group of mugs that sat on the counter. Behind you at the kitchen island, stood Leonard, chopping vegetables and bantering with your dad.

The image rippled behind you, changing the scenery and you were still on earth, but this was your home. The place you started and the place you would end. When you decided to move to Washington, James helped you. Packed only what you needed and took the road trip with you, only along for the memories. Your homestead spread before you. Your eyes automatically drifted to the chicken coop. Leonard was there, several of your hens grouped around his feet as he spread bird seed for them.

“I don’t think chickens would be that big of a fan of me,” You jumped as Leonard made himself known behind you. You slowly made your way to him, suddenly anxious about the interaction, “I heard you were looking for me?”

You almost forgot, you laughed to yourself before explaining, “Yeah, it wasn’t anything important. I was bored, and both James and Spock were gone! I can’t do anything with this damn arm and I needed stimulation. I didn’t know James stole you too!” You lightly hit him in the chest and scowled, “I thought we had a rule.”

The doctor suddenly looked bashful as he stared at your feet, “There was an exception to the rule,” From behind his back, he revealed a plant. It looked like a venus fly trap, but it was maroon. “ “It looks like dionaea muscipula, but I’ve never seen one this color. Or as large.” You gently cradled the propagate in your hands, breathing gently as you inspected it. “Usually 10cm is the largest they get. This one could be significantly bigger.” You finally looked up at him, tears slightly welling up in your eyes, “Thank you,” 

Suddenly you were surrounded by him. His hand on your face, his smell swirling around, and most importantly his lips on yours. They were soft, a complete contrast to the finger grazing over your cheek. You couldn’t help but smile into the kiss as you leaned into him. He wrapped his free hand around your waist and pulled you against him. You were hyper aware of the feeling of his chest against yours, you swore your breathing was in sync. 

Leonard pulled away first, deciding that air was actually a vital part of his plan to have a future with you. He rested his forehead against yours, placing a chaste kiss to your nose, “Maybe I can get used to the chickens.”

*******************************

Leonard practically dragged you out to the turbolift. Only giving you a split second to stop by the greenhouse to drop off your new favorite thing. Surprised you were able to make the short ride to his quarters without your hands all over each other. He held your hand the entire time and you couldn’t help but notice how opposite the two of you looked. Leonard with a determined look taking over his features, he was desperate to be alone with you and he couldn’t stop bouncing as you waited to arrive at the correct floor. You, on the other hand, looked completely love drunk. Still reeling from the kiss, just happy to be near him and along for the ride.

He pulled you down the hallway and you did everything you could to stay on your feet as you tripped after him. He turned back to look before picking you up, tossing you over his shoulder and he resumed his pace. You let a giggle fall out of you, hanging over his back, staring at the floor. He hummed in response, and you couldn’t help but shake your head, knowing he couldn’t see you, deciding to keep this to yourself. He stopped, arriving at his door, and soon you were in the darkness and privacy of his personal space. The room is familiar in the dim lighting from the late night visits that happened occasionally. He continued, moving to a space you had never seen before, his bedroom.

You couldn’t help the flurry you were feeling in your stomach, suddenly aware of everything around you. Taking in what the room looked like, you could definitely see Leonard in the space, it was nicely decorated. The sheets looked soft, a rich phthalo green with matching comforter. The night stands were simply decorated, with a single light on each, one of them holding a photo of he and James at the Academy. The rest of the room had small trinkets, and a couple of dirty clothes were sitting on a chair in the corner. What really caught your eye was the small purple succulent sitting on his dresser.

“You put him on your dresser?” You couldn’t help but ask, knowing he would know exactly what you were talking about. The succulent was your first surviving propagation of its kind. You had affectionately named him ‘Jim’.

“Yeah, I brought him home that very day. I’ve been following all your rules. Even had Scotty set me up special lights so the little could get the effects on sunlight.” He set you down on the bed and looked at you, before stepping forward and weaving his way between your legs, currently towering over you. You wanted to drool, you were sure this was heaven. He was kissing you again, this time deeper than before, his tongue already begging as you moved your lips against his. Ever so slightly you moved back onto the bed, slowly lying down as Leonard climbed on top of you. His hands slowly moved up your shirt and you couldn’t help but try and press your body against his hands. Trying to desperately communicate the need for his touch.

“Len,” you whispered and he looked at you. His eyes softened as he took in the sight of you, a hand coming up to cup your cheek, you couldn’t help but pull him into a hug, pulling him down until his entire body weight was on top of you. You couldn’t help the contented sigh that fell from your lips as you embraced this feeling. He felt like a weighted blanket on top of you, bringing a sense of peace with him as your breathing synced together,  “I missed you.”

“I missed you too Darlin’” Your hands grabbed the back hem of his shirt, gently tugging and trying to pull it up his body, Leonard picking up the hints. Moving off you, he finished the job you were working on, before you sat up, allowing him to pull your shirt off you. “You’re gorgeous,” again you wrapped up in a kiss, and it was everything you had been dreaming about since you met him. 

Soon enough, you were naked, your lower half dangling off the edge of the bed, Leonard stroking himself as he stared at you. You swore you could feel his eyes burning into your skin as he raked you over, looking as if he was trying to memorize every inch of your body, the adoration radiating off him made you want to cry. You couldn’t remember a time anyone had made you feel this way just from a look. You didn’t know why you were suddenly so emotional, but now you were worried you were ruining the moment. You saw Leonard’s face change as he moved toward you. 

“(Y/N)?” He scooped you up, sitting you on his lap, his thumb brushing away the one rogue tear that escaped, “What’s wrong?”

You shook your head and smiled, “Nothing, it was just the way you looked at me.” You turned around in his lap, straddling him. You slowly kissed your way around his jaw line, up to his ear before gently nibbling on his ear lobe. You kept your lips pressed to his skin as you whispered in his ear, “Now, where were we Doctor?”

You shivered as he gripped your thighs, you slowly hiked yourself up placing one hand on Leonard’s shoulder to keep yourself steady using the other to line yourselves up. You didn’t miss the way he bit down on his lip as soon as your hand wrapped around his cock. Slowly easing yourself down onto him, you slowly stretched down until your thighs were touching his, placing both arms on his shoulders as you gave a few small bounces just to adjust yourself. Adjusting your knees, you started rotating your hips while setting a steady pace as you started to spring up and down. Having to quickly adjust when Leonard dropped to his elbows, and you came with him. 

He now had the upper hand, using one arm to wrap around your waist, keeping you in place, using the other to hold your chin, maintaining eye contact as he set a brutal pace, his hips almost smashing into yours. The new angle had changed and suddenly you couldn’t stop the moan that fell from your lips, seeing a smirk appear on Leonard’s face. “You sound so pretty,” He swiped his thumb over your lips and instinctively you slightly parted your mouth, “Say my name darlin.’”

You couldn’t help the heat that burned your cheeks, deciding to try and get back at him for the compromising position he put you in, “Leona-” You didn’t get to finish his name before his hips stopped moving. His arm is still locking you in place. You wanted to pout at the sudden loss of movement but didn’t have enough time as you were on your back now. Legs resting around his hips, his free hand now gripping one of your hips, as he slowly leaned in closer.

He adjusted the way he was holding your chin, he now rested your chin in the dip between his thumb and index finger, with each holding onto your jaw and adjusting your head to look at him, “I don’t think you heard me, what’s my name?”

“Dr. McCoy,” You looked at him through lidded eyes, eyes closing at his grip on your jaw tightened for a split second, before his hand on your hip pulled you closer to him. Settling a tortuous pace as he thrust into you, hiking your hips higher up as you started thrusting up towards him, desperate for more. He slowed down for a split second, a hand coming to rest by your throat. His fingers instinctively fell on your carotid. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? Your heart rate seems pretty elevated,” He softly widened his grip, his hand now resting at the base of your neck.

“I was hoping you could tell me Doctor,” Leonard leaned down close to you, his fingers already slowly inching to either side of your neck, “Are you okay with this.” 

You quickly nodded your head and wiggled your body, closer to his, “Yes Le-” You swallowed, avoiding eye contact with him, “Yes Dr, McCoy.”

He applied pressure to the sides of your throat, you tilted your head back, almost as if you were presenting your neck to him and you could have died hearing the low moans Leonard was placing in your ear. You hummed as your eyes drifted shut, and you could feel the coil that had been tightening was ready to snap. 

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you (Y/N),” He thrust to punctuate every word and there you went. You gasped and drug your nails down his back as your thighs tightened around his waist. Leonard released his grip from around your neck and pulled away from you, spilling all over your stomach. He was gone the next second, before returning with a warm wash rag, practically wiping you down from head to toe. You couldn’t help yourself when you settled down under the sheets, face buried in the pillows that smelt like him.

Leonard soon returned, climbing into the bed beside you and pulling you into his chest. Kissing the top of your head before speaking, “Are you okay? I know that got intense pretty fast,” His fingers were absentmindedly running through your hair.

You yawned, moving yourself closer so your ear was pressed up against his chest, his heartbeat thrumming in your ears. You nodded against his ribcage, “I’m fine. I’m great actually…and the ‘Doctor Thing’ is kinda hot.” You could feel his chest shake with a silent laugh and you yawned again.  Pulling the blanket up to your neck and quickly falling into the best sleep you had received in weeks.

****************************

Leonard instinctively grabbed for you when he rolled over half awake in bed. He received no reprieve from the empty sheets, they were still slightly warm, and now he was wide awake. Scanning the room with his eyes, he couldn’t see you anywhere. There was something new on the dresser and he slowly made his way over to it. It was a note from you, and he couldn’t help but notice how elegant your handwriting was as it scrawled across the page. ‘I needed coffee, and you have none. Come find me if you would like a cup.” 

Leonard almost seemed like he was on autopilot as he dressed and brushed his teeth, leaving his quarters with only his comm and a mission to see you again. He quickly arrived in front of your door, and knocked within the same breath, realizing how desperate he was to see you. Now you stood in front of him, in a white t-shirt. He swallowed thickly as he could see your nipples pressed against the fabric, noticing how the pajama pants you stole from him hung around your waist.

He noticed the way you were looking at him, eyes still slightly coated with tiredness as they scanned his face, he tried to remain as untroubled as possible, trying not to give any signs of doubt as he stared back at you. He had something important he needed to tell you. You slowly reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him back into your quarters with you. Leonard could smell the freshly ground coffee and finally took a glance around now that he was here again. Taking in more than just the photos on your walls. 

He watched as you made your way across the room from him, back toward the espresso machine that sat on your counter, “Now how did you manage to pull that off?”

You looked over your shoulder as you giggled, “Listen, when it comes to Starfleet, I’m not dumb. I know that I’m a nepo baby and I know that I could have everything the easy way. I could take advantage of everything and everyone would let me. James could too.” Leonard scoffed as you started swirling and lightly tapping your steamed milk, “I know that my last name carries a legacy that I won’t ever feel I have earned.” You started slowly pouring the milk into a steel Starfleet mug, “However, almost everyone else thinks that just carrying her name is enough to give me the world. Spock knew that, he challenged me all throughout my time in Starfleet, and yes the age gap was definitely weird for everyone at first, but he sees something in me, something I never will.” You looked up at him as you started tamping your espresso, “Admiral Pike knew that. It’s because he knows me. I’ve called that man Uncle Chris since I could talk. He knew a pay bump wasn’t going to get me to leave my station. Especially to come to the ship he was the first captain of. So he gave me Spock, and a brand new espresso machine.” 

Your fingers tapped on the edge of the counter as you bit your bottom lip. You grabbed your finished espresso shot, holding it up to the light and inspecting it. “I was a barista once, and I loved it, it gave me something that made me feel like me. The other people in the coffee shop didn’t know who I was, or if they did they didn’t care.” You were practically speaking into the counter as you delicately poured the shot over your milk. “My mom would have loved it. If there’s one thing my dad drilled into my head, it’s that I didn’t have to choose Starfleet.” You now held a bottle filled with a purple syrup. You steadied your hand as you etched a simple crosshatch pattern into the top of the foam.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said in med bay for a couple days now,” You quickly sanitized everything, exchanging steaming pitchers, mugs, and even the shot glass, “My mom, is the reason I do anything in this life.” He watched as you started your process over again. Moving at a slightly quicker pace this time, “She died when I saw 5. It’s been 20 years and yet her birthday still feels like my day of atonement.” Leonard noticed how you adjusted the amount of coffee in the puck and the amount of water, “My last relationship ended because he proposed, and then I found out he had a wife.” You couldn’t help but happily gasp as you finally watched the shots finish pulling. 

“Just because you were married the person you, at one point in time, loved,” You were now steadily pouring the milk into the espresso that laid in the bottom on the mug, the stream of milk coming from your steaming pitcher couldn’t have been thicker than a pencil, “It doesn’t mean that you’re broken, and if you are, then so am I. And so is James. And Spock as well. Every single person on this ship,” You handed him the mug, “Is broken in some way, and it doesn’t make them any less worthy of love.” 

You cradled your mug in your hands before sitting across from him, in a small armchair you managed to tastefully squeeze in the small living room provided to you, “I love Spock, and I love James,” you swiftly pulled your legs underneath you, “And I love you, Leonard. And you are worthy of love.”

You slowly took a sip from your mug, watching his reaction as you tried to keep a somewhat safe distance from him, it wasn’t every day you could pull that conversation out of thin air. You became somewhat concerned as Leonard stared at his coffee, after a couple more seconds he looked at you and you felt like you could breathe again.

“Do you remember the first time you ever came to med bay? The conversation we had?”

************************

Leonard couldn’t help but stare at the perfect white dot as it floated perfectly in the middle of the carmel colored drink from the milk and espresso mixing together. He felt breathless. You remembered, this was the first time he had coffee made by you since he tried to run away. He swore he could feel his heart swell, looking at the act of love made right in front of his face. “And I love you, Leonard. And you are worthy of love.” He wanted to run. To move out of your eyesight, and if he could, out of your life.

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t dare. You were here, why would he ever leave? He took in everything around him, trying to stifle his nervous system that was telling him to abort mission. He swore he could see flashing red lights in his vision. He finally looked at you and the room was alive and it was all because of you, you were the sunshine he so desperately craved. Like his own personal star.  “Do you remember the first time you ever came to med bay? The conversation we had?”

“I remember the big three,” you softly smiled at him, and he watched as you took another sip from your mug.

Leonard just needed a little bit more context, for his own peace, to make sure the both of you were on the same page, “The big three?”

 “We talked about how flat whites are your preferred drink of choice, we talked about ‘the deal’ with me and Spock, and we talked about how you didn’t believe in soulmates.” It almost seemed like you had a checklist to remember. Feeling quite pleased with himself that you seemed to be on the same page already. 

“I never believed in having a soulmate. Not just for me, but for everyone. I’ve always thought it was crazy to love someone based on a mark we’ve had since we were born.” Leonard finally took his first drink, appreciating the warm, velvety milk that soothed his groggy morning throat, “The idea that you can’t love someone just because you weren’t chosen for them was always ridiculous to me. I’ve always wanted to reject the idea that someone should love me just because of a damn sign from the universe I had no say in.”

His gaze seemed more intense now, hoping you would know the gravity of the words he was trying to muster the courage to say. He was in this for the long haul, for the rest of his life. “The night I came to check on you I saw it. In the photo of you and Jim.”

You smiled at him and Leonard took a shaky breath, “Your mark is the dendrites of a multipolar neuron,” He watched your face morph as you brought your wrist to your face, gently tracing the lines with your fingers. Leonard pulled his arm out of the black thermal he was wearing, and for the first time, he turned his arm, and just below the crease of his elbow, was the finishing piece of yours, “I got the terminals of the neuron,”

“They look like plant roots,” You mused from your spot on the chair, now leaning over the arm of the chair to get a closer look, “Everything clicked that night,” Leonard stood, moving in front of you and bringing your wrist to the inside of his elbow, watching as your bodies and the image connected, “I ran away that night because I was scared. The thought of you being mine was almost too much to handle, then I saw the way you looked at me. No one had ever looked at me like that.” He was now holding your hand, watching as a slight blush consumed your cheeks. “You still look at me like that. I love you (Y/N), and the only thing I ever want is to be yours.”

**************************************

You wanted to cry, you had been naked in front of Leonard before but now you felt like you had been stripped bare, you needed a break in this conversation. You could feel the heaviness in the air, making it hard to breathe. “People will say things about you Leonard. It’s happened before.” 

“What? They’ll think I’m with you for the status?” Leonard puffed his chest playfully.

“No, that’s not what I’m worried about.” You straightened yourself up, now on your knees as you locked eye contact with Leonard, “You’re the CMO of the USS Enterprise, you don’t need my status. No, what I’m worried about is that you’re one of the youngest men I’ve dated, and that’s still a 9 year age difference.”

“Youngest? I told Jim they’d never let me speak at the Academy again.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, pulling him in by the front of his shirt, “I’ll have you know I am a grown adult Dr. McCoy. With a fully formed prefrontal cortex. I think I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.” You were hovering in front of his lips when you saw a small smile make an appearance, a knock at the door pulled two two of you out of your reverie and you groaned. Pulling away from him and grumbling under your breath all the way to your door.

James was waiting, bouncing in place as he tried seeing into your room from his angle in the hallway. “Did Leonard give you his gift?” James bounced his eyebrows up and down at you. 

“If you’re talking about the potentially giant venus fly trap then, yes.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“So, it’s giant huh?” A smirk cracking his face as he watched yours morph.

“I mean…” you paused, not knowing if Leonard wanted to tell people, before shrugging your shoulders as you fully faced James, measuring the air with your pointer fingers.

“Are you serious? Tell me you’re joking?” You slightly jumped as Leonard placed his hand on your shoulder. 

“What are we joking about?” He yawned after he spoke and you knew it couldn’t have been any earlier than 0700. 

“James doesn’t believe you have a big dick.” You laughed as Leonard suddenly stood straighter and seemed to tense up, you turned toward him, pulling him down for a gentle kiss, “James didn’t believe that we actually told each other how we felt.”

“Thank god you did because my next plan was to strand the two of you in a desert at night.” 

“Goodbye James,” you briefly waved before closing the door and pulling Leonard into your bedroom.

[imsaunteringvaguelydownwards]

bored so uh convos my mom and I have had as dc characters

————

Kon: no bc if you think about it WHY IS SUPERMAN WEARING HIS UNDERWEAR OVER HIS SUIT

Tim: I mean do you wanntt to talk about the inherent homoerotisism of superheros or-

Kon: nonono superheros are BI, vampires are gay, superheros are bi

Tim: I think you may be right

Cassie: don’t forget the military, something about men dressing up all fancy for each other

Kon: true true

————

Steph, upon seeing the original Robin uniform for the first time: Oh! That is…pride parade attire yessiry

————

Jason: you’re covered in Carmel jizz

————

Kon: I think Tim just dislocated his ribs again

Bart: AGAIN???

Kon: yeppppppp

Tim: *dying of laughter, or just dying, it’s up to interpretation*

————

(Tim, watching a show (I was watching titans but we’re talking abt Dick so that gets awkward fast soooo just Generic Show™️))

Jason, walking in: oh he’s cute

Tim: yeah he’s the main character

Jason: tho he looks like a bit of a sociopath

the show: *new episode immediately starts and opens on a character being experimented on (in his brain) without sedation*

Jason: oh

————

Dick: he has glee face, is glee face a thing???? Glee face should be a thing

————

Pa Kent: well Barts automatically invited, he’s an honorary sibling of yall bc he puts up with my bad jokes

————

Tim, texting Kon: HELP JASON JUST BUST IN MY ROOM WITH HIS LAPTOP TO SHOW ME THAT ONE OF HIS CLASSMATES WROTE HER DISSERTATION FOR HER PHD ON DESTIEL

————

[lizardho]

A rant I wrote for my best friend in 2020-ish - now she's my wife and is gonna be like "Why did you post this instead of working on your dissertation?" and the answer is because I'm procrastinating silly stylez

Mormon Missions

The Basis of Mormon Missionary Work

              Mormons, like many evangelical religions, proselyte as a core part of their religious activities. They claim (accurately) that early Christians did the same thing, and that scripture tells followers of Christ to do the same thing. So it’s a pretty big deal to them. When the Mormon church was first founded, missionary work was seen as an excited thing for Mormon men to do. The first prophet, Joseph Smith, would go visit people or invite them to his home, and tell them personally where God wanted them to go preach. They’d take a crate of copies of The Book of Mormon and go to close places (like New York or the American  South), or they’d go to far-away places, like England, Scotland, and Ireland.

Early missionaries were wildly successful, mainly because people the world was in sort of a religious frenzy at the time, and also the internet didn’t exist. They’d convert a few hundred people, tell them to move to Missouri, then continue on their merry way, going for a few years at a time before returning home as heroes. It was sees as a fun, manly way to abandon your family for a few years to go to England and sell books. After a while, though, Joseph Smith started getting too horny. At first, he was content to fuck the babysitter and some single ladies, telling them that God gave them the thumbs up, so it was cool. After a while, he got even hornier, and decided it was about time he fucked some married women. So he’d send the husbands of the hottest MILFs in his congregation to England for a few years, and then marry and fuck their wives while they were gone.

Sometimes, he’d tell them (“Oh, haha, hey, funny story, while you were in England because God told you to go there, your wife tripped and fell on my penis, and God said it was part of his plan, and I was into it, so we just went with it”) and sometimes he DIDN’T tell them. One guy he told got pretty mad about it, and he and his wife packed up and left Missouri, set up shop in a nearby town, and then made a newspaper. They printed the hot headline “Joseph Smith says God wants him to fuck your wives” and Joseph was like “Oh hey, let’s not let people in on that”. A mob of Mormon acolytes, who may or may not have been cucked by Joe the Prophet, also got upsetti spaghetti and burned down the printing press. Joseph then pardoned them, and was backed by the Nauvoo Legion, the 2nd largest military force in the U.S. at the time, and 100% Mormon. This was bad because a) Arson is a felony, commonly referred to as a “dick move”, and b) This violates the bill of rights, which guarantees freedom of the press. So Joseph was arrested. In jail, he was killed by an angry mob, and a new guy took over the Mormon church. His name was Brigham Young, and he was hornier than Joseph, who in turn was hornier than God had ever intended for anyone to be. Brigham took up the proud tradition of ignoring consent and ethical polyamory, and just sending men on far-away missions so he could spread his seed like a shitty incel-gone-rogue Genghis Khan.

After a while, missionary work stopped. Mainly, it stopped because of World War I. Then, the depression his the world like a starvation-inducing meteor, and missionary work slowed down a bit. Fortunately, the great depression ended! Because WWII started and everyone started dying again, so like, it was more of a lateral move. After WWII, though, the U.S. was suddenly a financial superpower with access to more of the world that it had previously had. So they started shipping missionaries off all over. It was still done by “calling”, where local congregation leaders would feel inspired to send people on missions, and then they would do that.

At some point in the 50s, an attempt was made to standardize missionary teachings a little bit, since the church was dealing with issues about people teaching weird stuff, like women having rights (the church still teaches that women shouldn’t work unless single or their husband is struggling to provide, and operates proudly on a “barefoot and pregnant” model of women’s rights that they teach very strongly to everyone from the ages of about 4 until 18), black people not being inferior (this was taught until the 70s), and tithing not being important (the church currently has over $100 billion in stocks and real-estate that we know of, it’s probably more).

So they made a tiny booklet with a basic summary of canon Mormon doctrine. Then, later, in the 70s, there was a HUGE push to get more missionaries. The phrase “every worthy, able-bodied young man should serve a mission” was used, and is still used, to describe who is expected to “serve” a mission. As they started this movement, they also began making rigid lesson plans, called “The Discussions” that missionaries needed to stick to. They were roughly 30 minutes long, relied on rote memorization, and were inflexible. At first, these were a big hit and people had a lot of success, but as education in the world improved, and more people were given access to schooling, technology, and financial stability, suddenly numbers began to plummet. So they changed the game plan: Make the lessons less structured, then blame missionaries personally for failure to convert people. These changes produced a book called “Preach My Gospel”, which was what I used as a missionary. They changed it again recently, but not by much, it’s just more simplistic. Like going from 3.5 to 5e.

- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/1981/05/president-kimball-speaks-out-on-being-a-missionary?lang=eng

- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/missionary-work?lang=eng

My own missionary experience

Basics of Mission Structure

-Mormon congregations are called “Wards”, which get sorted into “Stakes”, which is a group of 5-10 wards.

-A mission is made when there is a certain ratio of stakes-to-non Mormons.

-A mission is split when there are too many Mormons in an area. So like, my dad’s mission has been split 5 or 6 times now into smaller missions because of how rapidly the church grew in those areas.

-Transfers: A transfer cycle is 6 weeks long, and you stay with your assigned companion for at least that whole cycle, sometimes 2-3 cycles.

 One of the things to note (that you may have kinda picked up on already) is that being a missionary is kind of an exalted “rite of passage” thing. They view missionary work as an act of service to the world at large, and thing that missionaries are comparable to like…soldiers or doctors, heroes who are saving people from the forces of evil or spiritual sickness. It’s a weird mindset to be in, and it really gets pushed on you, especially as a missionary. Missionary work is pushed on young men as a spiritual obligation (note: They can’t force you to go, so it’s not like an actual obligation, but it’s definitely perceived as such for a lot of people). So, since I was a young “man” they started pushing it on me at like…12? A little younger? My grandpas both went on missions, so they thought that it would be great if I did too. My dad went on a mission (He went to Argentina’s southern end). It just kinda seemed like the thing everyone did, except I didn’t really want to go. I wanted to get married and have kids, but like…’f’ in the chat, I guess. Uterus machine broke.

I just ignored the general discomfort I felt about missionary work (like the general discomfort I felt about a lot of things tbh), and went to BYU like a good l’il Mormon. I turned down a 10k/year scholarship from ASU to go to BYU, because I am an idiot. At BYU, I made good friends, one of whom was trans!!! But she transferred away after coming out :c  But I had a D&D group!!! But they all left on missions :c  So I decided that if it was between being the only 20 year old on BYU campus who didn’t go on a mission, or going on a mission, I’d go. That was literally my process. Please make fun of dumb boy me, please, he deserves it. Anyways, I put in my papers, the prophets and apostles in Salt Lake sign me up with a big batch of elders going to Mexico City North. Mexico City is HUGE, so it’s broken down into 6 separate missions with 6 separate mission leaders. I was in the northernmost areas of Mexico City, including parts of Hidalgo. Chronologically, my mission went like this:

Months 1-6: Zone – Tultepec  |  Congregation Name – Primavera

-Companions: Elder Luis (my trainer): Chubby, kinda annoying but honestly just a sweetheart who liked to eat.

-Elder Mendez (my follow-up trainer): Chubby, good cook, seems nice at first but a bit unhinged. Threatened to kill me a few times. Kinda moody. Mostly just mean and dumb.

àIn this area, me and Elder Luis baptized: Ricardo Frias, who is no longer a member. Veronica, Alejandra, and Brenda, who are still members. Me and elder Mendez baptized Karen Itzel, who I have not been able to catch up with in years. She’d be about 14 now, tho? She was really little when she joined.

àStories: Nothing weird happened in a paranormal sense, but I did get robbed twice in my first week here, which was fun. There was a place in this area called Infonavit that was like a little neighborhood. There was a gang that controlled the area, but they were nice to missionaries, so we never got held up or bothered by them. Still, I did see 2 men with Uzis once just…walking around. Like. In broad daylight. It was incredible.

Months 6-10.5: Zone – Tula  |  Congregation Name – El Carmen

-Companions: Elder Lopez (my best companion): Short, very dark (from Chiapas, so like…very dark for a Mexican), shredded. The man had a 6 pack. Also, intimidatingly intense. After the first lesson we taught together, we were walking away and he belted out “ELDER HOBBS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT!” and I was all intimidated because he sounded like a drill sergeant, and despite being a foot taller and about 60 lbs heavier than him, he scared me. So I was like “What?” and he just goes “THAT WAS SO GOOD. YOU ARE A GIFTED TEACHER. I AM LUCKY TO BE ASSIGNED WITH YOU. WE’RE GONNA DO GOOD THINGS HERE.” And anyway he was the best. He cooked every day, he let me play D&D (by myself, so sad lonely hours, but still, it was stress relief). He worked out in a frenzy, had a miserable homelife, and was really just a very nice and supportive person.

-Elder Amador: Tall, really into soccer (had played semiprofessionally for Cruz Azul, as like a minor league player or something). Funny, aggressively cheerful, kind of a wimp. Farted a LOT for some reason, so we’d always take detours down the “less travelled” roads so he could fart in private. I didn’t mind tho because the area was actually really pretty, and sometimes I could see cows 🥺

- In this area, we didn’t baptize anyone. Which was fine with me.

- Stories: So, this is the area where I learned to make guacamole. We were visiting in on an elderly couple nobody had seen in forever. They lived in the BOONIES, like, it was just NOTHING on all sides, and when they answered the door they invited us in, and made us eggs with hotdogs, and then the best goddamn guacamole I’ve ever had in my life. I ate until I was sick.

-ALSO in the area: A supernatural (ish) story: So, Mormons believe that they have “priesthood power”, which is like divine power from God to effectuate his will on earth. This is stuff like healing the sick (never seems to work), causing miracles, summoning angels, and other bullshit that never actually happens. Sometimes people ask for priesthood blessings, usually if they’re sick or if they’re sad and want to feel better. So a guy in our ward flags us down, says he’s feeling iffy, and asks for a blessing. We had nothing else to do, so…sure! Why not? My companion, Elder Lopez, does it, and immediately after he says “amen” the guy starts puking SUPER hard. He stops, looks at us, and says “I cannot feel the left half of my body” and I was like “Hey elder, this guy is gonna die, let’s go get help” so we went basically next door to the home of the one guy in the area that had a car, told him what was happening, and then headed to the hospital. He stopped breathing twice on the way, and Brother Ricardo (the guy with the car) didn’t know CPR, so instead he just hulk-smashed his chest with arms about as thick as my legs, and that seemed to work. Funny stuff.

Months 10.5-15 – Zone: Nicolas Romero  |  Congregation name: Nicolas Romero

-Companions: Elder Casillas (the funnest companion): Fat. Very fat. Lazy, but we still managed to get more done than with anyone else. He was hilarious, and SUPER smart.

-Elder Montini: Originally form Argentina, immigrated to Mexico as a kid, then lived in Cancún. ¼ Italian, and Argentines are pretty white, so he looked American. He also spoke flawless English, and used this ability to shit talk people without them knowing. Also, VERY fat. Like. IN one day he ripped 3 pairs of pants just by sitting down. Kinda “holier-than-thou” but not too bad usually.

-In this area, we baptized NOBODY. Which was GREAT because this ward was actually the woooooorst. I fucking hated everyone in that Ward. They had about 80 people who attended regularly, but 900 people on record, and all 820 people NOT in attendance could tell you exactly why they left, and it was always because one of the shitty 80 had been excessively rude to them. There were 3 good people in that ward, and they all moved away eventually, so…yikes.

- No weird stories from here, but I did get in big trouble for breaking mission rules to… (checks notes)… provide service to elderly widows, so that was fun.

Months 15-21 Zone: Huehuetoca  |  Congregation name: Xalpa

-Companions: Elder Lucero: Total sweetheart, VERY shy. I cured his shyness by annoying him, since apparently feeling angry made him just rash enough to actually speak, so I just kept him lightly agitated with me for a few weeks until he realized he was good at what he did. He’s probably my favorite companion. We actually got along REALLY well.

-Elder Ramirez: Very nice, VERY fun, has a VERY cute sister. We got along well.

-In this area, the ward was HORRIBLE. Nobody liked each other, and everyone was shitty to us, too. We made our way into the ward’s good graces by getting on the good side of the women’s group, then berating their husbands about how shitty they were. The girls loved it, so we did great here. The ward basically tripled in size, and it wasn’t baptisms, it was just us bringing people back. It was actually really fun at the time. We didn’t baptize anyone, but after I left a Jehovah’s Witness got baptized, so I’m counting that as a HUGE win for us. I can shit talk Mormons all day, but the JWs are somehow worse.

-Weird stories from here: We were teaching an old lady, and she was being annoying and obstinate, arguing with us that her family didn’t need to go to church and that she didn’t want to confuse them. So we decided to leave. Nowadays, I’d have completely agreed with her, but at the time I thought I was a divine messenger sent on behalf of God. So. Anyways, as I went to leave, I felt some thing take control of my legs. Like. They stopped working. Idk how to explain it. The rest of me worked. I just couldn’t move my legs. My companion was already standing, I was trying to stand, and finally I just looked at the lady, opened my mouth to say something, and then kinda just went off, but like…they weren’t really MY words coming out of my mouth? Like, I was barely able to move my mouth fast enough for the words to happen, I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying, but when I finished, she said “Wow, Elder, I’ve never thought about it like that. I will absolutely bring my grandson to church on Sunday.” And my companion was just gawking, so apparently whatever I said was pretty good 🤷 

Months 21-24: Area – Nicolas Romero  |  Congregation name: La Colmena

-Companions: Elder Toledo: Kinda immature and lazy, but nice enough.

-Elder Tec: Kinda geeky and weird, very nice, also very jumpy.

-In this area: The ward was good, the people were nice enough, and there was a cool abandoned ranch house that was used as a dog sanctuary  that I loved. There was El Viejito Emilio that guarded the place, and there was a cute middle-aged couple that ran it, and they liked us, so we’d do “service” for them 1-2x a week, which largely consisted of picking up poop and stuff, and then just petting all the cute dogs for so long. Plus, the ranch house itself was HIGH KEY aesthetic. Like a fallout thing, it had graffiti all over, and cool little nicknacks lying around, and we could use it to hide from the rain, and I loved that little ranch house SO much.

- Weird stories: Another blessing. I was giving a VERY newlywed couple a blessing. The husband said he was possessed, but really he just sleeptalked. Whatever, I can bless that I guess? 🤷 So I put my hands on his head and am really just preparing to make something up, when what actually happens in suddenly I knew these people fucked before they tied the knot. An unwelcome surprise, since they were both deeply weird people and I didn’t want to know about their sex lives. So that just kinda popped out of my mouth, and immediately the guy goes RIGID and falls out of his chair. His wife is panicking, she thinks he died, so I go into emergency mode, we prop up his feet, Elder Tec checks for a pulse, he’s still breathing, all good,  and then the mission doctor won’t answer he phone. She was bad about that usually, but it was pretty late, so I wasn’t surprised. So instead, I just called home. Like. Dr Dad to the rescue, right? It was late, my parents were VERY confused, and so I described what what happened, and my dad walked me through some stuff and we kinda just decided he was having a full-blown panic attack because I had announced to the room that he and his wife did it before their wedding, which, again, matters very little to me. It didn’t even matter to me at the time, like…people have sex. It’s what they do. But for some reason some part of the universe was like “You get to know this now, bitch” and I was like “ew, OK, thanks for that”. Anyways, we got home super lte because it took us a while to calm him down, and that was the last time I ever had anything weird like that happen to me again.

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T_NYZesRdY (this is from the Book of Mormon musical, and it’s FUCKING hilarious)

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KSBEChzpMM (my experience in a nutshell)

[starrywyatt]

chapter 1: at least i don't post myself shitting on the internet

☆ never saw it comin'- a george clarkey story ☆

! THIS STORY READS BEST IN DARK MODE !

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madison's pov:

two years ago, i graduated from performing arts university with a first in musical theatre and a masters in songwriting. the day i graduated, i shared the song i wrote for my final project to tiktok. somehow, i woke up to 10 million views and calls from major record labels wanting to sign me. fast forward two years and my debut album has just gone #1 the same day it was released.

my label were pushing me to do press, so i decided to go on one of my good friends, andrew's boyfriend's podcast. i was going on the useless hotline! i was so excited.

btw, george is ill so i'm just gonna join max as a co-host for the episode

so don't be nervous!

omg amazing okay

i feel better knowing you'll be there

i had never met george before, so i felt more comfortable talking about the album knowing andrew would be there as it was so personal to me.

"hey!" andrew pulls me in for a hug outside the front of the building where they film. "so happy to see you again!" i reciprocate the hug. i follow him upstairs and we make it to the studio. the past year has been so busy i definitely haven't made as much of an effort to spend time with andrew as i should have. i walk in and am greeted by a very excited max. i have met max a handful of times but he's always been so supportive of my music and is essentially my biggest fan. "the album has been ON REPEAT!" he says excitedly. i say hello to their producer, callum too and he briefs us on what we should talk about and then the cameras start rolling.

"i'm max balegde" max starts "and i'm george clarke" andrew says, sat in george's seat making me laugh. they then introduce me and i walk on to the set and andrew moves seats. "i don't think anyone would even notice george isn't here" max shrugs. "and today we are joined by arguably my favourite musician to ever exist, madison scott!" max cheers and claps and i laugh nervously. "even above little mix?" i question. "well... you're toeing a thin line" he adds. 

we continue the intro for a while and max explains where george is and what he's been up to himself this week. "i wonder if anyone knows that me and andrew went to university together" i say. "yeah i wonder" andrew replies. "we literally lived together for 2 years" i laugh. "i know that's crazy to me. like when andrew mentioned he knew you i was in shock. what do you mean my andrew is friends with THE madison scott!" max says.

"anyways, we HAVE to talk about the album" max continues. "he has literally had it on repeat since midnight yesterday" andrew laughs. "it's just so good" max says. "thank you, that's so kind. yeah i mean it's called 'never saw it comin' i think that covers a lot of aspects of my life. like we literally left uni, i uploaded the song that i wrote for my dissertation to tiktok and suddenly it had 10 million views. and then my boyfriend dumped me, didn't see that one coming for sure" i say and andrew interrupts me, "hate to say it, but thank god because he was an asshole" "yeah you're not wrong, there is a few songs about him on this album but a lot of it is just about the growing pains of kind of growing up but also throwing the spanner of so called fame into the mix" i explain. "so i have to ask, will there be a tour?" max says, clapping his hands with excitement. "if so, i WILL be front row!" he adds on the end. "well hopefully! it's all in talks at the moment, i need to pick a support act actually" i say. "i know someone that would be perfect" max explains. "who?" i ask looking at him inquisitively. "i'll tell you after the podcast, i don't want to ruin the surprise for people because i really think it could happen" max explains and we do the rest of the podcast solving dilemmas and me and andrew recapping funny stories from our uni experience.

"great episode guys! thanks for coming, madison" producer callum smiles to me. "so who's this support act you're thinking of?" i turn to max. "arthur hill! he's so good" max says. "oh yeah, that would be so good" andrew agrees. "arthur hill" i say to myself. "i feel like i've heard the name" i say, almost questioning. "we've had him on the podcast" callum says, from behind us. "yeah, he's george's friend" max continues. "ahh okay, i'll have a look and put his name forward to the team. most people we've spoke to are unavailable for the dates we've chosen" i shrug. "we're actually going out to freedom (the club) with arthur and some of george's friends tonight. you should come! celebrate your album and meet arthur" max suggests and i hesitate for a moment but end agreeing. i guess we're going out...

i make it back to my flat and abigail, my best friend and flatmate is sat on the sofa. "we're going out out tonight" i say, dropping my bag on the kitchen counter. "i'm listening" she turns around with a big smile on her face. "andrew and max invited me out with some of their friends. they want me to meet arthur hill, say he could be a good support act?" i say, almost questioning the last part. "plusss, we get to celebrate your album!" abi says, excitedly. "something like that" i laugh. "okay great, do you know what time?" she asks me. "pres at the boys flat at 9" i tell her before getting up to go shower.

as usual, we get ready together in my room. abigail was on her phone, "shall i look at arthur's instagram and see who his friends are" abi says. i roll my eyes, "we'll literally meet them in like an hour" i laugh, now curling my hair. "ooo, he was at a football event earlier today with 3 guys" abigail explains and my social anxiety kicks in and i do kind of want to see who we could be potentially meeting. "chris, another arthur and george" she reads out the instagram tags. "the one in the middle is cute" abigail says. "abigail! you can't be going for my work colleague's friends" i joke. "colleague?" she laughs. "well i could be working with him" i shrug, laughing.

i was finally ready to go and we were heading over to the boy's flat for pres as they lived near the club. i was slightly nervous but we took some cans with us for the tube to give us some liquid confidence. we met andrew and max at the tube station and walked to the boy's flat together.

max calls george and he comes downstairs to meet us and i suddenly question if the boys even know if we're coming. "hello guys, come on up" george says, holding the door open for all of us and i smile thank you. "congrats on the album by the way" he says to me as i walk past him holding the door, catching me completely off guard, i almost look around as if someone else had released an album this week. "oh, thank you" i laugh nervously.

we make it upstairs and there's 3 other boys waiting for us to appear. "no way THE madison scott is in my kitchen!" the boy i recognised to be arthur hill says in a mock accent as we arrive. i laugh, "where?" i say looking behind me, making him laugh also and he walks over and hugs me. "lovely to meet you" he says and i introduce him to abigail. the other two get up to hug us. "hi, i'm arthur, the other one" he laughs and hugs me. "madison, nice to meet you" i say, also laughing. "hi, i'm chris" he hugs me.

"what's everyone drinking?" arthur h asks us all. "we bought some vodka and mixers" i say pointing to abigail's bag. "we all know you're all gonna be drinking beer, lads lads lads" max says making everyone laugh and he was right all 4 boys had cans of beer in their hands.

"so you're all content creators?" i ask the boys, trying to make conversation. "yeah, been doing it for years now" chris says, sipping his drink. "i don't know if you'd have seen them, they're football videos" he laughs. "yeah i don't think i've ever watched a football video to be honest" i laugh. "i think i've seen one of your videos" i say, pointing to arthur tv. "oh wow, really?" he smiles, shocked. " oh yeah, we watched a 90 day fiance recap thing" abigail points to me. "no way" george laughs. "yeah, we love the show!" i laugh and arthur raises his hand for a high five and i hit it. "i just make shit content really" george shrugs. "back yourself" i say to him. "or are you literally shitting in the content?" i ask, making everyone laugh. "yes, that's exactly what i do!" george agrees. "i mean i would like to call myself a singer but i have to create content to promote it" arthur sighs. "yeah felt you on that one" i agree with him. i don't know if he's heard anything about me potentially bringing him on tour yet so i decide not to mention it as i want to see if i get on with him but to be completely honest it was going well so far.

the drinks and conversation were flowing and it was finally time to head to the club. "so we'll get a couple ubers, if that's okay" arthur h says and i agree and book an uber for me, abigail, max and andrew and the boys do it for themselves. they both pull up at the same time and we hop in the cars and make our way to the club.

we get out the cars and make our way inside, thankfully the boys had contacted the club beforehand and we got guest list entry so we could just go straight in. we make our way over to the bar and suddenly there's about 4 people that ask me for photos, i of course take them and thank the people for coming over and george turns to me. "someone's popular" he smirks. "oh shut up, mr guestlist" i joke to him. "we don't like to wait with the peasants" he jokes and my mouth forms an O at his comment but i continue laughing. "the fames got to you" i say and we're interrupted by arthur h, "everyone good with jägerbombs?" he asks and we all agree.

we do the shots and head over to the dance floor. i spent most of the evening dancing with abigail and max and andrew but i could feel myself sobering up so i told everyone i was going to head to the bar. "wait did you say bar?" george says to me. "yeah, i need another drink" i say. "okay i'm coming, i do too" i nod and he follows behinds me.

we make it to the bar and there's a long queue, typical. "what you getting?" george asks me. "not sure, whatever will get me more drunk" i laugh. "probably double vodka coke or something" i shrug. "yeah i'm thinking similar" he says. "so, you listened to my album?" i smirk to george. "hmm, no i heard it's pretty shite" he shrugs. "wow, that's rude" i say, pretending to clutch my chest. "at least i don't post videos of myself shitting on the internet" i continue. "that's not what i do!" he says, laughing. "well you never told me what you actually do" i say but then we're interrupted as george was next to be served. "hi, can i get 2 double vodka cokes?" he says and i just assume he's ordering 2 for himself as he did seem pretty sober. but once he's done, he hands one to me. "what? you didn't have to buy me one!" i say, smiling. "take it as a peace offering for calling your music shite" he says, as i take the cup and i look up and smile at him. "thank you" i say and we walk back to the group. as we walk back, my song, 'good 4 u' starts playing.

"oh noooo" i say, putting my head in my hand knowing everyone is probably looking at me. i decide i need some dutch courage so down the drink that's in my hands and feel the rush go straight to my head. i look up and abigail and max grab one of my hands each and put my arms up in the air. i look up and all the boys are singing along, even george whose been too sober to sing pretty much a single word the whole night. "GOOD FOR YOUUU" we all scream the last words of the chorus and i almost forget it's my own song and just dance and sing along. as the song finishes, i look over to george and lean forward towards him, "thought my music was shite" i joke and he just shrugs, making me shake my head jokingly. we all keep dancing and after two more round of shots, i'm pretty drunk. "to madison for releasing the second best album of the year, following mine" arthur says as we all raise our shots in the air, laughing.

it was currently 1:40am and i assumed everyone would want to stay until the end so after the shots, we head back to the dancefloor. i had noticed abigail and chris had been getting close all night, so i left them to it. "you've seen them two talking all night too right?" i turn to arthur hill and he agrees, "i thought it was just me. i wouldn't worry too much, chris has shit rizz" arthur says, making me laugh.

"we're just going to the smoking area" abigail comes over and says to me, walking off with chris and i raise my eyebrows, she doesn't smoke. "okay" i laugh and she just smiles, definitely drunk but i let her do her thing. "where are they going?" george leans over and asks me. "to the smoking area?" i almost question. "chris doesn't smoke" george laughs. "neither does abigail!" i almost yell. "how the hell has chris managed to speak to a girl?" arthur tv says and everyone laughs. "to be honest, it would be more shocking if it was george!" arthur hill jokes and george just shrugs, unphased by the joke.

we carried on dancing a bit longer, me, andrew and max getting way too into every song. arthur h matched our energy but the other arthur and george watched on and laughed at us. i finally started to get tired and wanted to go home. "are chris and abigail still outside?" i ask the boys and they nod. "i want to leave, can one of you come with me to get them?" i say, not knowing how to approach chris but knowing i can convince abigail to leave. "let's go find the small man" george says and follows behind me to the smoking area.

we make it to the area and it's pretty much empty and they were not there. "chris is probably here, you just can't see him" george says, looking down at the floor. "shush, that's mean" i lightly slap george's shoulder, whilst laughing. "you still laughed" he points at my face. "i don't think they're here. for god sake" i say, sitting on the bench behind me as my legs hurt and all the booths were taken inside. "should we head back inside?" george asks. "my legs hurt, i might just sit for a second. you can go back in" i say. "to be honest, dancing isn't really my thing anyways. i'll sit" he says, sitting next to me. "what do you come to the club for then? pulling girls?" i say. "ahh yes, big ladies man, me. whopping success rate of 0" he says in a mock accent. "no way i believe that. you've definitely pulled at least 2 girls... in your lifetime" i say trying to be generous. "well, who knows" he shrugs and i roll my eyes. there's a gust of wind and it causes shivers across my whole body. "fucking hell, how is it still cold in spring" i say and george turns to me and sees my arms crossed, rubbing to make heat. "do you want my jacket?" george asks. i look up at him, "and you say you've never pulled a girl whilst you're pulling moves like that" i laugh. "it's just called being a good person" he says, taking the jacket off. "are you sure?" i ask "just take it" he says and hands it to me. i put it on and it's definitely oversized but it makes me much warmer than i was minutes ago. "are you not cold?" i ask. "honestly, no i was actually quite warm. i am just naturally a warm person. that's in temperature and looks" he smirks. "i knew the cockiness was in you somewhere" i say. "what does that mean?" he laughs. "well earlier, when you said your videos were shit. i know deep down you don't think that. i reckon you back yourself" i explain. "i mean, yeah i'm slightly confident in myself i guess" he shrugs. "be confident, it's attractive. girls will flock to you" i shrug. "did you just call me attractive?" he turns to face me. "what? no i did not!" i laugh.

"there you two are! abigail and chris came back, let's go!" andrew says, ushering us back to the club. we hug goodbye to the boys and the four of us taxi back to the tube station. we say goodbye to max and andrew and head back to our flat. me and abigail were both pretty much falling asleep on the tube but thankfully make it back to our apartment.

andrew text me to ask if we made it back,

i had never met george before, so i felt more comfortable talking about the album knowing andrew would be there as it was so personal to me.

"hey!" andrew pulls me in for a hug outside the front of the building where they film. "so happy to see you again!" i reciprocate the hug. i follow him upstairs and we make it to the studio. the past year has been so busy i definitely haven't made as much of an effort to spend time with andrew as i should have. i walk in and am greeted by a very excited max. i have met max a handful of times but he's always been so supportive of my music and is essentially my biggest fan. "the album has been ON REPEAT!" he says excitedly. i say hello to their producer, callum too and he briefs us on what we should talk about and then the cameras start rolling.

"i'm max balegde" max starts "and i'm george clarke" andrew says, sat in george's seat making me laugh. they then introduce me and i walk on to the set and andrew moves seats. "i don't think anyone would even notice george isn't here" max shrugs. "and today we are joined by arguably my favourite musician to ever exist, madison scott!" max cheers and claps and i laugh nervously. "even above little mix?" i question. "well... you're toeing a thin line" he adds. 

we continue the intro for a while and max explains where george is and what he's been up to himself this week. "i wonder if anyone knows that me and andrew went to university together" i say. "yeah i wonder" andrew replies. "we literally lived together for 2 years" i laugh. "i know that's crazy to me. like when andrew mentioned he knew you i was in shock. what do you mean my andrew is friends with THE madison scott!" max says.

"anyways, we HAVE to talk about the album" max continues. "he has literally had it on repeat since midnight yesterday" andrew laughs. "it's just so good" max says. "thank you, that's so kind. yeah i mean it's called 'never saw it comin' i think that covers a lot of aspects of my life. like we literally left uni, i uploaded the song that i wrote for my dissertation to tiktok and suddenly it had 10 million views. and then my boyfriend dumped me, didn't see that one coming for sure" i say and andrew interrupts me, "hate to say it, but thank god because he was an asshole" "yeah you're not wrong, there is a few songs about him on this album but a lot of it is just about the growing pains of kind of growing up but also throwing the spanner of so called fame into the mix" i explain. "so i have to ask, will there be a tour?" max says, clapping his hands with excitement. "if so, i WILL be front row!" he adds on the end. "well hopefully! it's all in talks at the moment, i need to pick a support act actually" i say. "i know someone that would be perfect" max explains. "who?" i ask looking at him inquisitively. "i'll tell you after the podcast, i don't want to ruin the surprise for people because i really think it could happen" max explains and we do the rest of the podcast solving dilemmas and me and andrew recapping funny stories from our uni experience.

"great episode guys! thanks for coming, madison" producer callum smiles to me. "so who's this support act you're thinking of?" i turn to max. "arthur hill! he's so good" max says. "oh yeah, that would be so good" andrew agrees. "arthur hill" i say to myself. "i feel like i've heard the name" i say, almost questioning. "we've had him on the podcast" callum says, from behind us. "yeah, he's george's friend" max continues. "ahh okay, i'll have a look and put his name forward to the team. most people we've spoke to are unavailable for the dates we've chosen" i shrug. "we're actually going out to freedom (the club) with arthur and some of george's friends tonight. you should come! celebrate your album and meet arthur" max suggests and i hesitate for a moment but end agreeing. i guess we're going out...

i make it back to my flat and abigail, my best friend and flatmate is sat on the sofa. "we're going out out tonight" i say, dropping my bag on the kitchen counter. "i'm listening" she turns around with a big smile on her face. "andrew and max invited me out with some of their friends. they want me to meet arthur hill, say he could be a good support act?" i say, almost questioning the last part. "plusss, we get to celebrate your album!" abi says, excitedly. "something like that" i laugh. "okay great, do you know what time?" she asks me. "pres at the boys flat at 9" i tell her before getting up to go shower.

as usual, we get ready together in my room. abigail was on her phone, "shall i look at arthur's instagram and see who his friends are" abi says. i roll my eyes, "we'll literally meet them in like an hour" i laugh, now curling my hair. "ooo, he was at a football event earlier today with 3 guys" abigail explains and my social anxiety kicks in and i do kind of want to see who we could be potentially meeting. "chris, another arthur and george" she reads out the instagram tags. "the one in the middle is cute" abigail says. "abigail! you can't be going for my work colleague's friends" i joke. "colleague?" she laughs. "well i could be working with him" i shrug, laughing.

i was finally ready to go and we were heading over to the boy's flat for pres as they lived near the club. i was slightly nervous but we took some cans with us for the tube to give us some liquid confidence. we met andrew and max at the tube station and walked to the boy's flat together.

max calls george and he comes downstairs to meet us and i suddenly question if the boys even know if we're coming. "hello guys, come on up" george says, holding the door open for all of us and i smile thank you. "congrats on the album by the way" he says to me as i walk past him holding the door, catching me completely off guard, i almost look around as if someone else had released an album this week. "oh, thank you" i laugh nervously.

we make it upstairs and there's 3 other boys waiting for us to appear. "no way THE madison scott is in my kitchen!" the boy i recognised to be arthur hill says in a mock accent as we arrive. i laugh, "where?" i say looking behind me, making him laugh also and he walks over and hugs me. "lovely to meet you" he says and i introduce him to abigail. the other two get up to hug us. "hi, i'm arthur, the other one" he laughs and hugs me. "madison, nice to meet you" i say, also laughing. "hi, i'm chris" he hugs me.

"what's everyone drinking?" arthur h asks us all. "we bought some vodka and mixers" i say pointing to abigail's bag. "we all know you're all gonna be drinking beer, lads lads lads" max says making everyone laugh and he was right all 4 boys had cans of beer in their hands.

"so you're all content creators?" i ask the boys, trying to make conversation. "yeah, been doing it for years now" chris says, sipping his drink. "i don't know if you'd have seen them, they're football videos" he laughs. "yeah i don't think i've ever watched a football video to be honest" i laugh. "i think i've seen one of your videos" i say, pointing to arthur tv. "oh wow, really?" he smiles, shocked. " oh yeah, we watched a 90 day fiance recap thing" abigail points to me. "no way" george laughs. "yeah, we love the show!" i laugh and arthur raises his hand for a high five and i hit it. "i just make shit content really" george shrugs. "back yourself" i say to him. "or are you literally shitting in the content?" i ask, making everyone laugh. "yes, that's exactly what i do!" george agrees. "i mean i would like to call myself a singer but i have to create content to promote it" arthur sighs. "yeah felt you on that one" i agree with him. i don't know if he's heard anything about me potentially bringing him on tour yet so i decide not to mention it as i want to see if i get on with him but to be completely honest it was going well so far.

the drinks and conversation were flowing and it was finally time to head to the club. "so we'll get a couple ubers, if that's okay" arthur h says and i agree and book an uber for me, abigail, max and andrew and the boys do it for themselves. they both pull up at the same time and we hop in the cars and make our way to the club.

we get out the cars and make our way inside, thankfully the boys had contacted the club beforehand and we got guest list entry so we could just go straight in. we make our way over to the bar and suddenly there's about 4 people that ask me for photos, i of course take them and thank the people for coming over and george turns to me. "someone's popular" he smirks. "oh shut up, mr guestlist" i joke to him. "we don't like to wait with the peasants" he jokes and my mouth forms an O at his comment but i continue laughing. "the fames got to you" i say and we're interrupted by arthur h, "everyone good with jägerbombs?" he asks and we all agree.

we do the shots and head over to the dance floor. i spent most of the evening dancing with abigail and max and andrew but i could feel myself sobering up so i told everyone i was going to head to the bar. "wait did you say bar?" george says to me. "yeah, i need another drink" i say. "okay i'm coming, i do too" i nod and he follows behinds me.

we make it to the bar and there's a long queue, typical. "what you getting?" george asks me. "not sure, whatever will get me more drunk" i laugh. "probably double vodka coke or something" i shrug. "yeah i'm thinking similar" he says. "so, you listened to my album?" i smirk to george. "hmm, no i heard it's pretty shite" he shrugs. "wow, that's rude" i say, pretending to clutch my chest. "at least i don't post videos of myself shitting on the internet" i continue. "that's not what i do!" he says, laughing. "well you never told me what you actually do" i say but then we're interrupted as george was next to be served. "hi, can i get 2 double vodka cokes?" he says and i just assume he's ordering 2 for himself as he did seem pretty sober. but once he's done, he hands one to me. "what? you didn't have to buy me one!" i say, smiling. "take it as a peace offering for calling your music shite" he says, as i take the cup and i look up and smile at him. "thank you" i say and we walk back to the group. as we walk back, my song, 'good 4 u' starts playing.

"oh noooo" i say, putting my head in my hand knowing everyone is probably looking at me. i decide i need some dutch courage so down the drink that's in my hands and feel the rush go straight to my head. i look up and abigail and max grab one of my hands each and put my arms up in the air. i look up and all the boys are singing along, even george whose been too sober to sing pretty much a single word the whole night. "GOOD FOR YOUUU" we all scream the last words of the chorus and i almost forget it's my own song and just dance and sing along. as the song finishes, i look over to george and lean forward towards him, "thought my music was shite" i joke and he just shrugs, making me shake my head jokingly. we all keep dancing and after two more round of shots, i'm pretty drunk. "to madison for releasing the second best album of the year, following mine" arthur says as we all raise our shots in the air, laughing.

it was currently 1:40am and i assumed everyone would want to stay until the end so after the shots, we head back to the dancefloor. i had noticed abigail and chris had been getting close all night, so i left them to it. "you've seen them two talking all night too right?" i turn to arthur hill and he agrees, "i thought it was just me. i wouldn't worry too much, chris has shit rizz" arthur says, making me laugh.

"we're just going to the smoking area" abigail comes over and says to me, walking off with chris and i raise my eyebrows, she doesn't smoke. "okay" i laugh and she just smiles, definitely drunk but i let her do her thing. "where are they going?" george leans over and asks me. "to the smoking area?" i almost question. "chris doesn't smoke" george laughs. "neither does abigail!" i almost yell. "how the hell has chris managed to speak to a girl?" arthur tv says and everyone laughs. "to be honest, it would be more shocking if it was george!" arthur hill jokes and george just shrugs, unphased by the joke.

we carried on dancing a bit longer, me, andrew and max getting way too into every song. arthur h matched our energy but the other arthur and george watched on and laughed at us. i finally started to get tired and wanted to go home. "are chris and abigail still outside?" i ask the boys and they nod. "i want to leave, can one of you come with me to get them?" i say, not knowing how to approach chris but knowing i can convince abigail to leave. "let's go find the small man" george says and follows behind me to the smoking area.

we make it to the area and it's pretty much empty and they were not there. "chris is probably here, you just can't see him" george says, looking down at the floor. "shush, that's mean" i lightly slap george's shoulder, whilst laughing. "you still laughed" he points at my face. "i don't think they're here. for god sake" i say, sitting on the bench behind me as my legs hurt and all the booths were taken inside. "should we head back inside?" george asks. "my legs hurt, i might just sit for a second. you can go back in" i say. "to be honest, dancing isn't really my thing anyways. i'll sit" he says, sitting next to me. "what do you come to the club for then? pulling girls?" i say. "ahh yes, big ladies man, me. whopping success rate of 0" he says in a mock accent. "no way i believe that. you've definitely pulled at least 2 girls... in your lifetime" i say trying to be generous. "well, who knows" he shrugs and i roll my eyes. there's a gust of wind and it causes shivers across my whole body. "fucking hell, how is it still cold in spring" i say and george turns to me and sees my arms crossed, rubbing to make heat. "do you want my jacket?" george asks. i look up at him, "and you say you've never pulled a girl whilst you're pulling moves like that" i laugh. "it's just called being a good person" he says, taking the jacket off. "are you sure?" i ask "just take it" he says and hands it to me. i put it on and it's definitely oversized but it makes me much warmer than i was minutes ago. "are you not cold?" i ask. "honestly, no i was actually quite warm. i am just naturally a warm person. that's in temperature and looks" he smirks. "i knew the cockiness was in you somewhere" i say. "what does that mean?" he laughs. "well earlier, when you said your videos were shit. i know deep down you don't think that. i reckon you back yourself" i explain. "i mean, yeah i'm slightly confident in myself i guess" he shrugs. "be confident, it's attractive. girls will flock to you" i shrug. "did you just call me attractive?" he turns to face me. "what? no i did not!" i laugh.

"there you two are! abigail and chris came back, let's go!" andrew says, ushering us back to the club. we hug goodbye to the boys and the four of us taxi back to the tube station. we say goodbye to max and andrew and head back to our flat. me and abigail were both pretty much falling asleep on the tube but thankfully make it back to our apartment.

andrew text me to ask if we made it back,

did you guys make it back okay? x

almost fell asleep on the tube but made it back, all good x

thank you for tonight, we had so much fun!

no worries, i'm so glad you came we need to do it more often!

1000%

i turn my phone off, put a glass of water next to abi's bed as she was a lot more drunk than me and decide to make a quick instagram post before heading to sleep.

i head to bed and wake up the next day and the comments are going crazy about me and george...

[draculasfavoritewife]

Idle Hands

Summary: Whenever Tony forgets to go to bed, it's always been up to you to bring him back to your side.

Pairing: Tony Stark x fem!Reader

Warnings: Heavy on the softness compared to most of my other stuff; I was in a very sentimental (read: sad and touch-starved) mood back when I wrote this lol. Tony Stark is a TEASE both in word and deed -- I have said it is canon therefore it is now. The feral way he makes me feel should be illegal. Also you can read the...implications of my vague wordings towards the end as tame or as smutty as you wish ;)

I feel the need to mention here that Tony Stark has been my most favorite comic book character since I was but a mere 11 years old. He holds the distinction of being my longest-running fictional crush/object of my obsessions and I love him so deeply and for so many little reasons that I could write a PhD dissertation on him. So please enjoy my little love letter to the man that has held my heart for nearly a decade and a half <3

It's that point of the night where you really can't decide if it should be counted as ungodly late or ungodly early. 4:00 am does tend to scramble the thoughts.

You've been drifting in and out of an uneasy sleep for what feels like forever, and as you roll away from the digital clock display on the wall with an annoyed sigh, you suddenly see why.

The other side of the bed is utterly untouched.

He hasn't been here with you at all.

You sit up, trying to remember if he had plans tonight. The calendar app on your phone has no record of a gala, awards ceremony, board meeting, or anything else that might have taken up his time.

Which means he's probably down in the lab again.

Briefly, you contemplate trying to call him, but you know from experience that he probably isn't taking calls right now, even if FRIDAY tried to put one through for you. He's in that zone that only designing and building can put him in, the one mindset where his too-busy brain is crystal clear and the world at last makes sense to him.

So you pull yourself out of bed, throw one of his old sweatshirts on over your cami and pajama shorts (he keeps the AC cranked all the way whenever it's warm outside) and pad out of the bedroom and on your way downstairs.

His lab is awe-inspiring as always, no matter how many times you see it. The purring thrum of the generators and the comforting pulse of dimmed lights, the heavy, electric feeling of the air itself -- he's described his workspace to you as having a life of its own before, and you can understand so well why time escapes him down here.

You just hope he's not using it to escape from other things as well.

He's deeply absorbed in his work on something at a station opposite the door, and your heart skips a beat even as you smile fondly at the familiar sight. Clad in sweatpants and a black tank through which you can just barely see the blue glow of his arc reactor, he looks all at once more human than usual and like some being from another world entirely.

It's the Stark curse, he told you once, and you recall the wry slant of his lips as he said so. To know you're a god trapped in a mortal body, an infinite mind with a finite number of years to use it. It's the reason behind all his greatest triumphs -- and all his harshest falls from grace.

And somehow, you were lucky enough to be the one he fell in love with.

It still feels like a dream sometimes.

Realizing he isn't going to look up on his own anytime soon, you stifle a yawn and knock sharply on the doorframe.

"Tony?"

He stiffens as if he's been shocked (always a possibility, when he's rewiring) and shoves the safety glasses high up on his forehead. "That would be yours truly. Everything alright?"

With a laugh, you cross the room, warmth rising in your chest as he immediately sets down his tools and steps out from behind the table to meet you. And damn, he always looks good -- he is Tony Stark, after all -- but there's always something about him when his hair gets all unruly and he has THAT look of intense concentration on his face that really drives home to you all over again just how gorgeous he is.

You cuddle up to him, and he kisses the top of your head.

"Asked you a question, Honey."

"Do you know what time it is, Tony?"

There's a prolonged moment of answering silence as he glances up at one of his nearby monitors. "Crap. Well, why are you up?"

Pulling back slightly so you can tease the protective eyewear off his head, you give him a look. "Can't sleep."

An eyebrow tilts; he's playing dumb.

"And that's my problem why?"

"Jerk." You take your time playing with his glossy dark hair, neatening it back up before raking your fingers through it to mess it up again. "Maybe because you love me...?"

"Oh, so you're down here looking for sympathy, got it." He smirks at you, a well-practiced and infuriatingly handsome look. "In that case, sorry about your insomnia, Beautiful. There's melatonin in the drug cabinet upstairs." He snares the safety glasses from your fingers once more and makes as if to return to his work. "Sympathetic enough for you?"

You wrap your arms around his waist from behind, stopping him from going any further, though the smug son of a bitch starts tinkering with his new designs again even through your persistent clinging. It mesmerizes you for a couple seconds, always has, the way his hands work with such delicate precision and dexterity, and you can't help selfishly wishing he would turn them towards other, less...mechanical endeavors at this moment.

He probably would, in all honesty, but Tony Stark is the king of making you work for it. Philanthropic he may be, but some things even you have to earn from him when he's feeling particularly devilish.

"I don't want your pity," you hum, pressing a sleepy kiss to his shoulder. "I was lonely without you."

"Perfectly understandable. I've been told by many that I'm scintillating company. You can, by all means, stay and watch me work, you know. Feeds my humble ego."

You roll your eyes and impatiently reach up under his shirt, feeling his muscles tense at the unexpected coldness of your hands.

That finally gets his attention and makes him turn around. Before you can even fully comprehend it, he's swept his work out of the way and lifted you up onto the worktable instead, restless fingers drawing intricate patterns on your inner thighs, though his eyes never leave yours, crystalline blue pinning your attention to his amused face instead of his very distracting hands.

"That," he grins, "was adorable. Sleepy version of you is so much more demanding. Maybe I should stay down here too long more often."

You try to frown at him, though his sparkling gaze and mischievous touch make that impossible. "How dare you."

"I do a lot of dumb things to see where they get me. You know that." He nods at the thick gray sweatshirt still keeping you warm. "Why don't you take that off for me, Sweetness. You make me cold, I get to return the favor."

Unable to come up with something snarky to say in return with the way his hands are making you shiver now, you do as he suggests with little resistance, the exposed skin of your arms and chest prickling at the much cooler air.

He leans in to tenderly kiss your neck, and your breath leaves in a sigh at the way his facial hair scratches at your throat. He's always been a helluva kisser and the meticulously maintained goatee is just the icing on the cake. Making out on his worktable was not the original plan when you first came down here, but even by his own admission Tony's best plans are usually improvised.

And you're certainly not complaining.

"What did you want from me again?" he murmurs, close to your ear.

The absolute audacity of him.

"Mmmmmmm," seems to be about all you can manage at the moment, and you know very well what's coming next.

He pulls you closer to him, the movements of his fingers turning agonizingly slow and prompting a slight gasp from you.

The smile that gradually spreads its way across his mouth is absolutely wicked.

"What was that, Sweetheart? I didn't quite catch it."

You try to reclaim some semblance of coherence, but his firm hold on you prevents you from escaping his delightfully systematic torture, so instead you grab on to his well-defined shoulders, your forehead resting against his chest. The mechanically-stabilized beat of his heart echoing beneath his skin a brief reminder that he's alive, despite everything he's been through, and he is yours. There's no one else on his mind, no one else he's let this far into his messy and often painful world.

The world may know him as Iron Man, the one who has saved them more times than they could ever count, but how many people really know the Tony that you know?

That same Tony who now raises one hand to tip your head back, whose sharp eyes soften with affection for the slightest of seconds before the anticipated words fall from his tongue, the words he knows will always unravel you.

"You just have to tell me what you want. Come on, Princess. Use your words."

You shudder and lean in to beg for another kiss.

"You, Tony. Always you. Please."

He kisses you back with renewed intensity, leaving you completely breathless.

"There we go...was that so hard?"