#I'm chronically someone who goes “no it's fine i can deal with it” and then actually i just try to ignore it and Dont Do Anything

[threecrowsinacloak]

hey did you know that it's okay actually to take a painkiller for things that "aren't actually that bad" but that are preventing you from doing things

[chu-diaries]

Hi! As someone who also struggles with chronic skin picking, what has helped you? I just found your blog!

hello! First of all we need to look at skin picking as a disorder and not just as a "bad habit". I've struggled with skin picking disorder for 18 years and I got tired of hearing people say I could "just stop it" or that I just needed more "motivation". It is a disorder and should be treated as such. I will share below some tips that helped me:

recognize the triggers that lead you to skin picking. anxiety? boredom? mirrors? scan the body to see if the wounds are healed? exposing certain parts of the body? We often pick because we are stressed or nervous about something, but we can also pick because of procrastination, external triggers (mirrors are my biggest trigger and they always lead me to pick at my face) or an internal sense of self-harm, as a punishment for something you did or didn't do. recognizing what makes you pick at your skin is a big step.

find support groups. There are currently some specialized therapists, but not everyone can afford it. If it is financially accessible to you, I recommend that you seek help, as these professionals know validated techniques that can help a lot. I don't have access to this type of therapy, but what helped me a lot was finding communities of people who suffer from this disorder. The best group I found was on Reddit and I joined their WhatsApp group with people from all over the world fighting against skin picking. It is important for our mental health that we do not feel alone and wrong in the world. there are other people struggling with this too.

find your own method of dealing with the disorder. This requires testing and you will get things right and wrong in the process. I mix a little of several techniques that I have found: sometimes I cover the mirrors in my house, sometimes I apply techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (like reducing access to my face or exercising mirror exposure without necessarily scanning the skin for blackheads to pick), sometimes I define a strict time to pick at my face (like a facial scanning session in the morning and one at night, both timed), sometimes I apply them all at the same time. what has worked the most is tracking my progress and trying to beat my own records. Currently my biggest record is 288 pick-free hours (equivalent to 12 days). Now I really want to get to 14 days because I've never gone 2 whole weeks without damaging my face. I'm not very good at rewards, but the right thing to do would be to reward yourself after breaking your personal record (it doesn't matter what it is. It could be an hour. You'll know how hard it goes for you).

Understand that you might not stop picking at your skin. The goal I've been aiming for is to reduce the damage and frequency of skin picking, but I've realized that I can't stop it completely. and this is fine. This is me, this is my story and I decided to be kind to myself. Maybe one day I will be able to stop it completely, but today that is still impossible for me. I'm happier reducing the damage, but I still have massive episodes that I regret later. it is part of the process. I try not to blame myself. I restart my pick-free hours tracking and move on.

accept that you are certainly more aware of the wounds than those around you. Something I've learned in this long process is that, in general, people who really love and care about me don't care about how my skin looks like. They know that I suffer from a disorder and that I have good and bad days. They love me for who I am and not for my appearance. As for people who don't know me, they usually don't notice my wounds, and when they do, they just assume it's acne or something. people are too worried about themselves to care about me. Still, if there are negative comments about you, you can always choose to distance yourself from that person (highly recommended) or teach them about the disorder. Few people know what skin picking is and many of them could benefit from this knowledge. see what fits you better!

I hope this helps and I’d love to hear what you have to say about these tips! I'm here if you want to talk more about this. I hope you find the best way to deal with this.

[cheerfullycatholic]

Hey, apologies in advance for the ramblings but I really need someone to talk to about this anonymously 😅 so basically idk if I’m crazy or should genuinely feel ridiculous or like a loser??? But I’m currently living in Europe and one of my good friends is getting married in a few months and is out in the states. I’m supposed to be going out there for the wedding but I honestly think it’s been making me sick with stress. See, I am on the spectrum and I like to be able to do what I want and get away from people when I need to but there’s like an entire set of plans with more of her friends and of course extended family who I have never even talked to before and it’s not that I think they’ll be horrible but it’s a long time to be somewhere new and ofc she is going to be busy prepping for the wedding itself and I thought I’d be able to do things alone but I found out where she’s currently living is actually quite far from anything and I might have to rely on her other family to get me places. On one hand, I feel so dumb because it seems like such a great opportunity to also visit this place but on the other hand, it really is so much to not be guaranteed alone time and knowing she won’t be there all the time idk I’ve just been really sick to the point of passing out lately and this is the only thing I can think of that has caused such an increase in stress and I feel kind of pathetic for it? In any case, if you have any words of wisdom, advice etc I’d appreciate it and please prayers 🥺

Dude I totally get you, and it's not ridiculous or pathetic. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum but I deal with the same things all the time, and they just make my chronic illness worse. My nephew's birthday party and my step uncle's wedding are both tomorrow and I was having a rough time health wise just with the party but the wedding was hastily planned two weeks ago which was not enough time to mentally prepare for, and my nephew's party is in a place I've never been to before mostly with people I either don't like or don't know and I've been dying, man. And I can't drive so I can't just leave, ya know? Not unless someone takes me home and I can't expect anyone to do that. But at least these events are all in my general area, I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be in a different country! I will definitely keep you in my prayers

Firstly, since it's making you sick, you do not have to go or do all the things she wants you to. She's your friend, she should understand that your health just won't permit it and going could make it worse. It's okay to take care of yourself. But if you decide to go, what are some things that help you calm down and deal? For me it's listening to show tunes. I bought these open ear bluetooth earbuds (link goes to Amazon) specifically so I can listen to Hamilton at the events tomorrow without anyone knowing because I can hide them behind my hair, and since they're open ear I can both hear the music and the people around me both just fine and they don't hurt after awhile like normal earbuds do. I wouldn't be going to either events if I hadn't gotten these. You mentioned alone time, maybe tell your friend about your struggles and that you sometimes need time to relax and breathe by yourself and maybe she could figure out a place where you could rest. If you go, do what you gotta do, make gathering all of the stuff you can to help yourself a fun thing

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Sounds like an interesting fic premise! Could be that no one physically breaks Ingo’s leg, but it does break at an incredibly inconvenient time via untreated stress fracture because He's Fine, No Really and he kind of ignores the growing pain in his leg when he has rift fritz in his brain and a job to do.

Or could be a Jail Fic, but Kamado is Meaner. Ingo tries to make a run for it at some point, so Kamado has someone break a leg or two. Can't escape if he can't walk, after all. Bonus if Akari is there and was the one who made the plan to run, like in Ounce of Prevention. The sheer amount of Guilt and Horror she'd feel, and the Fear that they might break hers as well if she steps out of line again.

god don't TEMPT me... i was playing around with a whump au of oop a while ago actually, but the actual writing was mostly. focused on emmet so i forget what i had planned for ingo. but the idea of akari having to BE THERE for it is SO GOOD... especially considering that she already feels some misplaced guilt for ingo being there at first, and now—she's sorry she's sorry she didn't mean to— the only issue being that it's more difficult to justify kamado deciding to brutalize a warden when he only barely had permission to lock him up in the first place. unless, of course, there was some more significant manipulation going on here on someone's part and the other leaders are aware of and okay with it... which would take some finagling but i'm willing to go to slightly contrived lengths to inflict Pain.

alternately yeah it's just. look ingo if you start free climbing 10hrs a day professionally when you've never trained for it this is what's going to happen. if you pick up the habit of climbing most of the way down a cliff and jumping the rest your legs are GOING to have Words with you. and he just goes hmm why do i feel like i'm being stabbed repeatedly. and then fully ignores it forever bc Doing Something abt it feels like a mental investment he doesn't really want to deal with.

the third alternative is it isn't even a physical injury but instead some side effects of getting antimatter shot through your brain is that his nerve processing just goes kind of haywire. so falling thru the rift just. gives him chronic pain. world's stupidest prize! and then he's just like well this sucks but it's been happening for literally as long as i can remember so i guess it's normal. you know how it is

[misshowdoyoudo]

Wtf has been going on?

Lol, glad you asked

So, back in like August, I got all my stuff packed up and I move back in with my parents because I am Finally Done with College, right? Except I'm not, because apparently one of my professors did not agree with my Internship because it wasn't to her standards.

So now I gotta redo my entire internship. Okay, that's fine, I got some connections, I'm only a little upset. Except I'm slowly losing my mind because that was a lot of work down the drain and she didn't tell me until the very END of the semester. Cool.

Well, then I find out I still needed ONE(1) singular credit in order to graduate. And it's not the internship credit, it's a movement credit.

At this point in time, I had also been dating trash dudes left and right. All these guys either wanted sex or someone to take home for the holidays so they didn't look worse than their brothers or whatever. My self esteem is dropping lower than it has in the past.

I set up a plan to end things. My dog has no idea how she saved my life.

ANYWAYS

About a month later, I meet a really good man. We hang out a bunch and things actually start looking up. We start dating for real mid-October. I really fall for him, and he falls just as hard (as I have been informed by him, at any rate lol)

Bf's mom (I will refer to her as Mamasita) has had chronic pain for a while now. Bf's dad (who I will refer to as Papa-san) has been looking around for things to help. Stumble upon this guy who can do surgeries to help.

So Mamasita goes in for TWO surgeries late November, early December. The first is a success and I help with chores while Mamasita is in bed and Papa-san is at work.

Second surgery rolls around and everyone is much more nervous about this one. This one is a lot riskier and could lead Mamasita to be paralyzed if done wrong (so could the last one, but the room for error is MUCH smaller on this one). Bf is sick with worry, so I'm keeping things upbeat and providing food and comfort while everyone is freaking out. I'm keeping Mamasita calm day of, and by extension bf and Papa-san.

The second surgery was a success, but Mamasita is in a LOT of pain the next day. I'm once more helping around the house (as is bf, but mostly in helping his mom), which isn't a big deal to me because I actually like cooking and cleaning, I just have a hard time staying focused on the tasks or even getting them started. Which is, huh, similar to how I go about writing.

TURNS OUT I HAVE ADHD

Surprised? I sure heckin was. Bamboozled, in fact. Got diagnosed shortly after a visit to a professional who was like: bro, you should get this checked out it might be adhd

And I was just 👀

I do exactly that. Now I'm going on Adderall, which will most likely help with my spasticness. Maybe. Hopefully.

TLDR: Had some bad thoughts for a bit, got some doctor help, got a wonderful boyfriend, helped with bf's mom having two surgeries, and found out I have ADHD for realsies. Wild.

[fictionkinfessions]

(Warning: this is going to be a lot heavier than most of my other confessions, and it contains mentions of lookism and ableism, disability erasure, verbal/physical bullying and the resulting trauma, and other uncomfortable subjects! Sorry if this is too much.)

Looks like I'm now just using this blog as a place to vent about my personal gripes with the Vocaloid fandom, huh?

Jokes aside, I really want to talk about a huge issue I see with how people portray me. It's not *as* common as the whole memelord thing, but I'd argue that it's a lot more harmful since it doesn't just affect me, but it affects people in real life who have birth defects, scars, skin conditions, or anything else along those lines.

If you take a look at any art of me drawn by Mikuma (my official artist!), one of the first things you'll notice is that my face and eye are... a little fucked up. I've seen a lot of different interpretations in the fandom of what they may be. For me personally, it's actually a birthmark that goes allllll the way down the right side of my body (and there's also a few lil spots on my left side), and that's what gave me my all-red eye as well, but I know that's not canon-canon, and I enjoy seeing the different ideas people have, especially if they're another me! (Fellow Fukases RISE UP)

However, the problem comes when people decide that these things are "too hard to draw" or "look too ugly" or whatever, so they just. Get rid of those things and draw me like Some Guy™. I don't look like that irl, but it still makes me extremely fucking uncomfortable for reasons that I'll clarify in a minute.

Like I said, I was born looking like this. When I was little, a lot of other kids were either scared of me and avoided me like the plague or they just straight-up bullied me, all because I looked the way I did (well, there were other factors too, like my autism or the fact that I'm trans, but the birthmark was most of the issue). I hated myself for such a long time because people acted like and told me that I was ugly, so it made me feel ugly, too. Whenever I tried to talk to someone, I felt like I had to cover my face so they wouldn't get grossed out and run away. I'd get anxious to the point that I wouldn't be able to talk because I didn't want to accidentally draw attention to myself and have people stare at me. It was awful.

Eventually, it all culminated in something that I honestly don't remember too well. I think I was about 8 years old, it was during recess, and there was this group of other kids that I was talking to, for some reason. Things were fine for a while, but then (HUGE TW FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE IN THIS NEXT PART!!!) one of them threw me onto the ground, and they all started kicking me. Most of it's a blur, but I clearly remember them screaming at me to die and calling me a fr//k, over and over again. They just wouldn't stop. I had to be dragged away from them. I'm convinced that they would've killed me if they had the chance.

Obviously, that affected me a lot. You know how I have a cane in my canon design? That's because my spine got all fucked up from that incident, and it still hurts to walk sometimes, so I use that to help when my back acts up (ironically, I have chronic back pain irl too, but it's less severe and mostly due to genetic reasons). I can't hear the word fr//k even in passing, or I start panicking because of it. It's especially bad in-character, but it also makes me uncomfortable irl.

What does this have to do with people drawing me without my birthmark and red eye? Well, basically, what I'm trying to say is that by getting rid of those things, they're erasing the trauma that I've had to deal with because of them.

Not to mention, you think it's bad for me? I've only dealt with this kind of thing in-character. The bullying I've dealt with irl was for completely different reasons and nowhere near as bad. I can only imagine how people who actually have to deal with this kind of harassment feel. Every other Vocaloid released previously and since have basically been flawless picture-perfect anime characters, and when someone like me finally comes along, someone that people with deformities/blemishes can potentially see themselves in, people bash me for being "ugly", "overly detailed", or "too hard to draw". How are those people supposed to feel about that? At the end of the day, I'm just a singing computer and I can't say anything about this, but it goes a lot deeper than that, and I know my pity is the last thing people want, but it makes me sick. It's not just about me; it's a bigger problem within not just the Vocaloid fandom or even fandom spaces in general, but society and its toxic beauty standards as a whole.

Wow, fuck, sorry for the essay. This issue is obviously extremely important to me, so I wanted to go into as much detail as possible. I hope everyone reading this has a nice day/night/whatever time it is where you live!

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted (although I'm starting to think it's a bit more than that?), #👁❌️🔴)

🪵

[life-with-geo]

January 14th

This week was…boring. I submitted my housing application (50 dollars…yay…) and got my roommate stuff all set up. The girl I’m rooming with is someone I've wanted to be friends with for a really long time, and the fact that she asked me to be her roommate makes me really really happy. Plus it checks off one of my goals for this year, which was to make a new friend. Hopefully, there will be more to come as the year progresses, but I'm a little awkward so I’m not holding my breath. 

I ended up getting sick this week, so most of what I’ve been ingesting consists of medications and water. I am the epidemy of health. (I need serious help oml)

For my next semester of classes, I'm doing an independent writing study, mostly just so I can keep writing my book and get credit for it. I’m also doing a teacher assistant thing for the same teacher I'm doing the independent study with, PLUS, I'm taking greenhouse management, which is a new class my school is offering. I'm mostly there for the plants since I have no interest in opening a plant store, I just want to have plants. 

Anyway.

Mental Health Corner Topic of the Week: Burnout.

I know a lot of people talk about burnout, so again, I'm sorry for whatever repetition of information you may come across, but I really think it's a good topic, especially since I’m dealing with it right now when it comes to my school work and overall daily life. 

Burnout is a state of complete mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. The symptoms of burnout are very similar to those of depression, and can often be mistaken for depression (or vice versa). Mental things like self doubt, lack of self worth, and feelings of hopelessness, along with physical symptoms like sleeping pattern changes, appetite changes, and chronic fatigue (chronic fatigue can be related to more serious issues, same goes for other physical symptoms, so keep tabs on your physical health!)

Preventing burnout is easier said than done, and the prevention of burnout can even possibly LEAD to burnout. Overall it is a very fine line to walk. Some good prevention techniques are mindful eating, exercise, taking care of your mental health, taking breaks, and having self-care days. Obviously, this isn't easy for everyone to incorporate into their day, but even a little goes a long way. 

Treating burnout is hard, and it's a very long journey. If you're someone who is struggling with burnout, the first step is to recognize it and seek help. Find someone who can lighten your load a little bit, and then focus on trying to pick yourself up little by little. 

And that wraps up my post for January 14th. See you next Sunday :)

[hedjblogr]

so i gotta make a full ass post about my last reblog because i would be doing the situation a disservice if i posted it only in the tags.

puts my grubby little pizza hands together and takes a deep breath

so.

around 2019-2020, so pre-pandemic, i was working for a small startup business. this was through a scheme that my local council was paying for, to get people into employment and to help local small businesses. great stuff on paper! fantastic stuff even!

this business was uh. well. the guy running it was maybe not the best personality match for me when it comes to a boss, but that's something better demonstrated than plainly stated. i don't wanna say he was a bad guy because that'd be unfair, but i was not the only person who struggled with dealing with him. i won't go too much into his personality either because this isn't about making a smear piece, this is about processing my struggles with illness in the workplace.

so, yeah. i'm a chronic migraine sufferer. it varies from headache and dizziness severity to "i'm having spots in my vision, i feel like throwing up and i literally can't do anything but sit with my head in my hands and my eyes closed tight and make pathetic noises". i'm still not entirely sure what my triggers are for it, but right now i'm thinking it's linked to drastic weather changes, hydration, stress and poor sleep.

i also have moderate to severe depression and anxiety. this ebbs and flows, it always impacts me at a certain baseline but a lot of the time it's background noise. my anxiety tends to flare up more than my depression, admittedly, but hoo boy do they both hit me bad when they hit me.

these were going unmedicated at the time for various reasons.

so, by the very nature of a startup business with less than 10 employees, a lot of us had to do a lot of different kinds of work. that's fine, i'm multiskilled, i don't mind doing a variety of things. but i was definitely more of dog's body than whatever the hell i originally signed up to be, which was more of an administerial/clerical position. aight, fine, i've worked in retail, i can do sales. i'm a computer nerd, i can do social media marketing and graphics. you want me to train people? uhhh sure i guess. and learn UX? fine okay. wait you want me to learn to code as well??? i'm not getting paid enough for this.

so it was a very stressful job. very anxiety-inducing job too. i was told both that i had a lot of responsibility and i was NEEDED, and that the company would simply keep going without me and it didn't matter if i quit or was let go.

oh! fun fact by the way. remember i mentioned my local council was paying for me to be on this scheme? they were paying him. he was getting my work for free, technically. granted, i was getting paid a wage, but he was not the one paying it. yeah. it's great on paper until you consider the way things went in practice.

on one instance i recall that i had my entire evening monopolised, because unbeknownst to me i had apparently agreed to run a live training with someone who was using our product and using it during the evening hours. and i was apparently required to field phone calls from them all evening. i didn't sign up for this, i didn't get paid for these extra hours.

on another instance, i recall we got locked in the building we worked in because we stayed too long (as it was not a privately owned building, we were renting space in a public college), and i was literally in tears with panic about getting out. graciously i was given the next day off work to decompress, but i should never have been put in that situation to begin with. this was due to a bad call on my boss' part.

i'm getting a little distracted here, my apologies, but this thing happens when i start digging up old grievances and trauma that i remember tangential things and it just kind of goes from there.

but yeah. i actually discovered through this job that i suffered anxiety attacks and what they felt like, and that my anxiety was a liability, and i began to suspect through this job as well that my frequent headaches that often led to me feeling like throwing up were not in fact just regular ass headaches.

i didn't feel like i could get sick notes in this situation. i felt like my employer would turn them down or simply fire me.

oh, but you know the time i HAVE used sick notes?

universal credit. good ol' department for work and pensions. rule britannia and all that.

fuck off with that shit actually, they refused my last sick note even though it was ongoing because it listed my depression and anxiety, and they decided that i was actually entirely fine even though they told me i could work on reduced hours to still be eligible for benefits because of my health conditions, and the job search has - to no one's surprise - been making my health conditions WORSE.

(edit: i should clarify, they DID accept sick notes for a time, but eventually i needed to undergo a work capability assessment, and this is when they decided that i still had capacity for work - which i do agree with, there are things i can do! - and then proceeded to ignore the part about it being for reduced hours.)

guess who's been crying themselves to sleep more nights than not, and struggling to sleep, and having erratic schedule, due to scraping to even get an interview only to be NOT EVEN TOLD that i didn't get the job! and that's if i even get a reply back from the first application!

yeah. there's a lot of shit wrong with healthcare and a lot of shit wrong with employment right now. and as it turns out there's a lot of shit wrong with me.

i'm probably gonna delete this post after a while because i always feel bad dumping shit like this on main, especially when it feels like it's old news and i just haven't processed it because i know i'll never get closure. but sometimes i just have to let myself write, and maybe if i post it someone else will come to a realisation and it'll help them. i dunno.

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

just a little dizzy

hey girliesssss so I have not been doing so great lately unfortunately! obviously this piece is a reflection of that :) I've said it before in another fic that I have POTS (posture orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) which long story short means my heart rate goes rlly high when i stand up or when I'm in hot water/temperatures. and a few weeks ago I got so dizzy in the shower i literally almost passed out so yeah this is how i imagine harry would handle that :)

if you want more info on POTS feel free to ask!!! I will give you all the info I have or there's lots of websites you can get information from! anyways enjoy :)

warnings: chronic illness, fainting, slight anxiety

word count: 2.5k (whooo)

-----

"Harry?" your voice was soft as you peeked your head into the living room.

He hummed in response, not taking his eyes off the book he was reading.

"Do you think you could help me with something?"

This prompted his attention. He looked up at you, smiling slightly as he put the book down and stood up. He stretched his arms up over his head, letting out a soft groan as he tilted his head to stretch his stiff neck muscles. "Of course, baby, what do you need?" He asked, making his way across the room to you.

"Um- it's kind of awkward," you said, a faint blush heating your face as you looked down at the floor.

"I'm sure it's fine, is something wrong?" he asked gently, tipping his head down to try and meet your eyes.

"Not wrong, i guess, but I was wondering if you could help me shower? If you think it's weird you definitely don't have to, but i just always feel bad under the hot water and it makes me feel so much worse when i lift my arms above my head to wash my hair and-"

He cut you off with a gentle hand on your hip. "Of course I can help you. It's not weird at all, i promise. I want to do anything I can to make you feel better."

You bit the inside of your cheek, anxiously going over all the possible scenarios in your head. "Okay, but only if you're sure it's not weird, because sometimes my legs get really red and I get dizzy and the whole thing just makes me feel really gross and sick-"

"Hey, hey," he gently cut off your nervous rambling once again. "I don't know who told you it's weird or gross, but i promise it's not a big deal for me. All I ever want to do is help you and make you feel better."

While you didn't love the idea of him seeing you in such a vulnerable and probably unattractive position, you really did need to have your hair washed. The amount of energy it took to complete this task simply wasn't worth it, especially not when you had someone right here who was fully willing to help you out and make it easier for you.

You nodded decisively. "Okay. But only-"

"I'm sure, baby," he promised. Somehow he knew where that sentence was going before you had even spoken. He grinned teasingly, giving your hip a little pat as he said, "Let's go, before you manage to talk yourself out of it."

-----

"Too hot?" Harry asked, his hand already on the shower knob in case he needed to adjust the temperature.

You shook your head, letting the warm water run down your shoulders and back. "It's just right."

He nodded. "Can i start with your hair?"

"Mhm, it's the teal bottle."

He reached for the bottle you gestured at, flipping the lid open and pouring a generous amount into his hand. "Tilt your head back," he said softly.

You did as he instructed, stepping out of the stream of water and closing your eyes. He massaged his fingers around gently, making sure to saturate every part of your hair with the citrusy soap. Once he was satisfied, he guided you back under the showerhead and tilted your head in the correct position to rinse your hair. He did all the work for you, moving your head around and shielding your eyes from any stray water droplets. Once he was sure he had cleared your hair of any remaining bubbles, he lifted your head and gently kissed your cheek.

"Done?" You asked, returning his gesture with a small smile.

"With the shampoo. You feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," you nodded. "Usually I only feel bad when i have to put my arms above my head."

He pouted slightly. "I'm so sorry, honey. Does this happen every time you shower?"

You nodded, avoiding eye contact.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have been helping you a long time ago."

"I didn't want to worry you, or make you do anything you didn't want to," you admitted sheepishly.

"You could never," he promised. "I always want to do anything I can to help you."

Your eyes began to well up with tears at how sweet he was being.

"Oh, no, please don't cry!" He stepped closer to you in the small space, his face twisting with concern. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset-"

"You didn't," you cut him off with a small sniffle. "I'm just... i love you so much."

"I love you too," he said, clearly very relieved now that he knew the reason for the mistiness in your eyes. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling your body to his under the warm stream of water. You stood with him for a minute, listening to the steady beating of his heart. You compared that to your own, which was running at least twice as fast as his. Something you should have probably prepared Harry for.

"Oh also, my heart is beating super fast right now, but that's normal, it's just from the hot water. I'm not dying or anything," you explained casually.

"Good to know," he laughed slightly. "Do you want me to turn it cooler? If it's making you feel sick at all-"

"It's not, I'm fine, I just thought i would tell you in case you wondered why it felt like a jackhammer in my chest."

He laughed again, shaking his head at how casually you explained the whole thing. He would never understand how you managed; how you could be so lightheaded about something that caused you so much pain and discomfort.

"Is it all right if I do your conditioner now? Or if you're not feeling good, we can get out and try again in a few hours," he offered.

"I'm okay," you reassured him for the hundredth time. "Thank you for checking, though."

Once he was sure you were okay to continue, Harry began the same process as with your shampoo. He guided you out of the spray of the water and began spreading the smooth conditioner down the length of your hair. He made sure every strand was completely coated, paying much more attention than you ever did when you did it yourself.

"This is a crucial step," he explained. "How else will you get your hair to be silky and luscious like mine?"

Once he was completely done with your hair, his eyes traveled to the pink loofah hanging from the shower caddy. "Do you want me to keep going? If you're not comfortable with that, you can do the body wash yourself, and I can stay in case you need help. Or I can leave if you want me to."

"Oh! I can do it myself if you don't want to," you said, feeling a little embarrassed. "You've helped so much, you don't have to do any more."

His face softened. "Baby, that's not what I meant at all," he said. "I just mean, I'll do whatever you're comfortable with. If you want me to wash you, then I absolutely will. But if you don't, I won't be upset at all. Just want to do whatever you're okay with."

"There you go again, being the absolute sweetest," you smiled, feeling the slight sting of tears starting to form in your eyes again. "You can do it."

"Alright," he smiled, pulling the loofah off it's hook. He flipped open the top of your body wash, inhaling deeply at the familiar scent. "I love this stuff," he declared. "It makes you smell so good."

"I'm sure it makes me irresistible to you," you joked, turning slightly at his prompting.

"Absolutely irresistible," he agreed. He set the soap back on the shelf, turning back to you with a loofah full of bubbles. "Come on, let's make you smell nice."

Just like with everything else today, Harry was very gentle while he washed you. He moved the loofah in slow circles, making sure he covered every inch of you in soap. He scrubbed from your shoulders, all down your arms to the tips of your fingers, and back up again. He spread a few bubbles onto your back, but then used his hands to massage the soap around. He pressed a little harder on spots he figured might be sore, getting a few grateful sighs from you in return.

Overall, everything was going well. That is, until he got down to washing your legs. He had dropped to his knees, and he told you to hold onto his shoulders while he picked up one of your legs. He placed it on his lap, scrubbing your skin with the same gentle movements he had applied everywhere else.

You closed your eyes, enjoying his soft hands and the pleasant smell of the soap, but unfortunately, your relaxed state didn't last long. You started to feel the beginnings of nausea, so you placed your other hand against the wall to steady yourself. To your dismay, the feeling only got worse. You opened your eyes only to see black spots dotting the corners of your vision. You started to feel lightheaded, and you knew this was not going to end well if you didn't act quickly.

"Harry," you managed to get out, though your voice was small. "I'm feeling... really bad."

His head shot up to look at you, taking in the way your eyes had closed again and how you were swaying slightly. He dropped the loofah immediately, setting your leg back down on the floor of the shower before he stood. He kept his hands on you the whole time, making sure you wouldn't lose your balance even with how dizzy you were.

"You're alright, it's going to be okay," he soothed, helping you down onto the floor slowly. "Just lean on me. I won't let you fall."

He sat with his back against the shower wall, supporting your head in his lap as you let your arms fall limp.

"Can you turn the-"

Before you even finished your sentence, Harry was reaching up to make the water cooler.

"Thank you."

"Of course," he said softly. "Still feeling dizzy?"

You nodded, not bothering to open your eyes. "I think I'm..." Your sentence tapered off, and your head fell slightly to the side. Thankfully, Harry knew exactly how to respond in this situation. He pressed his hand to the side of your face, gently bringing your head back into his lap so you wouldn't be straining any muscles. He stroked his other hand through your hair softly, humming quietly to himself as he counted the seconds in his head. After he reached about 30, he began to get a little worried. But then, before he could panic too much, you began to slowly shift in his lap. He breathed out a big sigh of relief, bending over more to look at you.

"You coming back to me, love?" He asked quietly, stroking his thumb against your cheek. He gave you a few moments, not sure if you were fully awake yet. After a few more seconds had passed, he spoke again. "Can you hear me, honey?"

You moaned softly, turning your head away from him. "I'm okay," you mumbled.

"I'm very glad to hear that," he said, continuing his soothing movements. "Gave me a little scare there."

"I'm sorry," you winced, turning back to look at him. "I tried not to, but i just got so dizzy."

He frowned. "It's not something you ever need to apologize for, not ever. I never want you to feel guilty for this kind of thing. I only meant I was worried about you, not that it was a problem for me to take care of you. It will never be a problem- i will always take care of you. Okay?"

"Okay," you replied softly, looking into his eyes. "Can we get out of here? I am very uncomfortable on this floor."

He laughed, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against yours. "Leave it to you to diffuse very scary situations with jokes," he pulled back, shaking his head. "Yes we can, I just need to rinse the rest of the soap off of you."

He first helped you sit up, insisting you wait for a minute like that to make sure the dizziness was completely gone, then very slowly he helped you stand all the way up. He had you lean against him as he guided you under the lukewarm water to rinse off the rest of the bubbles, then he turned the water off and opened the shower door. He grabbed your towel first, wrapping it around you and making sure you were settled before he reached for his own.

"You still doing okay? It might be better if you sat down- I can bring you your clothes."

As much as you hated to be so dependent on Harry, you knew he was right. "If you could go grab my pajamas, that would be great," you smiled, slowly moving to a sitting position with your back leaned against the shower wall.

"I'll be right back," he promised. "Don't get up to anything crazy while I'm gone."

"I'll do my very best," you smiled. "I'll do my very best."

-----

"I'm surprised you're agreeing with me so easily, usually you fight me so hard when I try to get you to rest," Harry commented, helping you into your pajama pants.

"Oh, normally I would, I'm just too tired right now," you grinned. "Once I take a nap, it's over for you."

"I'm sure it is," he laughed. "Come on then, let's get in bed."

You looked at him in surprise. "I didn't mean you have to- it's barely after noon."

"Yeah, but I want to stay with you," he insisted. "In case you need anything."

"I'll be sleeping," you argued. "It's pretty hard to need things when you're unconscious."

"What if you wake up and need something?" he argued right back. "I'm not going anywhere; you can't get rid of me that easily."

You smiled, shaking your head. "If you insist."

"I do."

"Alright then, lead the way."

Once you were both settled under the blankets, Harry pulled you closer and pressed a kiss to your cheek.

"I'm sorry you have to do all this for me," you said quietly.

Even in the darkness, you knew he was frowning. "Please stop apologizing. I told you, I don't mind taking care of you at all. I just hate that you have to go through this. I wish i could take it all away, and make you feel better."

"You do make me feel better," you said. "Every single day." This time it was you who kissed his cheek, and you could practically feel him blushing as your lips brushed his skin.

"I love you so much," he said softly.

"I love you even more."

"Not possible," he argued. "I love you the most."

Harry pulled you even closer into his arms, and you fell asleep feeling safe, and happy, and loved

[jacqcrisis]

so i am in the midst of reading watch the tide come in (am v slow reader so it is taking me a while, which i am enjoying immensely bc it means i get to live in here for So Long) and i am on the beach chapter n i gotta ask, since i haven't found it mentioned elsewhere in your blog: Charon's thoughts on Hermes' Very Short Shorts? Charon's thoughts this chapter in general, about Hermes going on dates or the sunscreen bit or uh any of several Moments shared ooorrrr anything really whatever u got, I like them very much and this chapter REALLY made me want to drive out to the beach today

I'm glad your enjoying it!

This chapter was jokingly called the Trial of Charon... by me. It’s also his ‘bonk go to horny jail’ chapter. This chapter exists exclusively for self-indulgent purposes and the idea of tormenting the lonely guy who’s finding out how to love again with a hyper-active wet horny dude in the smallest of shorts is *chef’s kiss* to me. And I know I've answered this kind of question before, but imma do it again

In 2nd person. As is my God-given right.

So imagine you're in your early thirties and you haven't had a relationship in five to six years. You're somewhere on the ace spectrum and are generally ambivalent to casual sex so this also translates into not having gotten laid in just as long. Which you're fine with as intimacy is generally lackluster to you if you don't have a connection with the person, its a lot of work and effort for not a lot of payoff, and your libido and capacity to be attracted to someone is a lot like a radio frequency that keeps changing. You've never been in tune with it, it comes and goes, and you've long since accepted this about yourself.

And Hermes is a guy you're interested in mostly romantically at this point and you'd really like your friendship to go in that direction, but you have reservations. The last relationship you had ended with enough heartache on your end that you swore off the whole deal in general, and as much as you like this goofy dipshit with all of his problems and his chronic inability to shut up, he's also young and probably isn't looking for the same amount of commitment you are and you aren't looking to get your heart broke again. Doesn't mean you're going to stop trying though cause you really like this guy and you'd be damned if you missed your shot.

Which is why you suggest the day out on the boat. Nice time alone together that, if you play your cards right, maybe can have more romantic angle? At no point do you factor in the reality that Hermes will be in swim trunks this entire time considering you’ve spent most of your life in Styx Beach and the sight of wet dudes in swimwear is, while aesthetically very nice, not exactly physically exciting. 

Then you walk into the shop and get blindsided by Hermes looking less like a snack and more like a whole goddamn buffet. For the first time in a long time, that radio frequency is coming in loud and clear thanks to this guy you’ve got a thing for who you know wants to get dicked down by you and you’re going to be alone with him on a boat for the whole afternoon. If you were a different kind of person, you’d say fuck it to your convictions, pick him up, and take him upstairs.

But you don’t cause you’re an adult with four businesses and more self control than you can shake a stick at and even if Hermes is interested in you, you’re not about to ruin a friendship by being a sex pest. You can survive one afternoon on a boat, though the whole sunscreen bit does make it one hundred times harder given Hermes’ bare back is quite inviting and you haven’t touched anyone like this in so long. It should not be understated how difficult it is not to slip underneath the waistband of the swim shorts and see if Hermes is amiable to your hands between his legs. 

At that point, you’re certain this afternoon is going to be a bust when Hermes joins you at the helm, but something takes your mind off the distractingly toned lines of his thighs. You should have known he’d start dating given you rejected him after the party and haven’t made much of a move since, but the words coming directly from the horse’s mouth leave you cold, panicking, and irritated completely with yourself. You had a chance weeks ago to clear the air when he was apologizing for his drunken pass, a chance to state what you really wanted out of this and maybe set you on the road to something more, but your apprehension and cowardice won out in the end and now he’s started dating in the meantime. 

He's not going to wait forever, and now its entirely up to you to make that move. But you're not great with words, and even if Hermes is flirting like it's his day job and looking at you like that while looking like that, you still can't bring yourself to say anything. But you know that all its going to take is one pretty girl and one good date and he's going to be out of your reach so you spend the rest of the afternoon hatching a plan.

Words aren't your strong suit, but actions are, and an idea occurs to you for one loud enough that you won't have to say a goddamn thing for Hermes to know exactly how you feel about him...

[gildedmuse]

Hey, everyone.

So recently I've (predictably) very not well. Actually, whenever I don't post for long periods, just assume my body is trying to kill me. But I've gotten messages from three people asking if I. Okay, which is super sweet. I am actually trying to work on the next All Hearts, a really long ZoLaw post and two request fics, but mixing chronic kidney pain and capitalist society's mandate to work 40+ hours is not recommended.

But to prove I'm okay and still me, here is some Shanks antics with him being a total slut while Mihawk and Beckman just roll their eyes and go along with it. [Shout out to @jhaernyl who not only listens to me ramble about this stuff, but actively encourages it]. I also have many thoughts on the latest episodes and so many screenshots it's embarrassing. Hopefully, when I'm in less pain, I'll get around to actually posting those. Otherwise I just look like an insane person who literally takes by the second frame shots every time Zoro is on screen.

.... What is that? I look like that anyway? Fair.

Shanks Is A Bad Influence

It feels like Buggy and Shanks split up after Roger's death (the crew was told to, and they are the only ones who went to his execution) and I find it impossible to think Shanks didn't immediately set out and find a crew; like, pirating is the only thing this kid knows in life. This means two things:

He set out from East Blue. Also, he seemed at ease and familiar with the East so it's possible he spent like a year there getting everything together. Maybe he even played around in the other blues for a while before heading back to the Grand Line. I say this because his crew is from all over so either he found and recruited them in the Grand Line or visited various blues. Either way, I'm gonna say it took him about two years before getting a 'proper' start. In that case, he would have started out properly at the age of 17 and we know One Piece likes it's parallels.

That still puts Shanks at 17 to Benn Beckmen's 28. How the fuck did Shanks manage that? I'd call it grave robbing, but let's face it, the little tyke probably got up to some actual robbing of graves as well.

My point being everytime Shanks teases Mihawk about keeping this 19 year old kid on his personal island, mostly shirtless, Benn Beckmen just lifts an eyebrow.

Excuse me, captain, who had prefected the 'opps still don't have my sea legs' trip-and-fall into their first mates lap by the age of 17?

Shanks: Beckmen, you caught me! *Shamelessly nuzzles up* Thank goodness! I could be a devil's fruit user after all and - Ahh!

Benn: *Drops Shanks straight over the side of the ship into the water*

Shanks: *Sputtering* What what that!?

Benn: Checking to see if you had eaten a devil's fruit on us, Capatin.

Benn: You didn't.

Smart ass. But he can't resist Shanks forever. Shanks will wear him down eventually.

Next time Mihawk tracks him down for another match - because you know he gets bored way quicker than he'll ever admit and Shanks is at least amusing a challenge - Shanks makes a big deal out of how Mihawk follows him around, "accidentally" revealing they slept together, sighing about how it's so hard to resist him.

Benn Beckmen is just leaning against the side of the ship, sipping his booze.

Shanks: -and I can't stay for hours like last time!!

Mihawk: Are you quite done?

Shanks: *whispering* Does Benn look jealous?

Mihawk: He looks bored. Much like I am. Is this some strange attempt to get out of my challenge, Akagami?

Shanks: What? No, come on I told you I was game. But, hey, could you do me a favor? Maybe like try and kiss me or something? Like take a swing like your going to hit me but then stop shot and grab me by the waist instead.

Mihawk: .... Trickery is beneath you. Besides, you're absolute rubbish at it.

Shanks: Oh, come on, I would totally help you get laid if you asked!

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* I want a proper match afterwards.

Mihawk: *In a forced, monotone voice* After this I will take you to my lair and have my way with you, Akagami.

Mihawk: ... My lair? Really?

Shanks: *Holding up cue card with quickly scribbled line* What? That is how you talk.

Mihawk: I can't believe I wasted precious hours of light tracking you to this atrociously rural port.

Shanks: See? Now, read the next one.

Benn: Captain? If this is going to take all night, I am going to go join the rest of the men in the tavern.

Shanks: Huh? Wait! Benn! What if Miha really stabs me this time!?

Benn: *Salutes Shanks with his bottle* Sounds like that is his plan captain. Have a good 'challenge'.

Shanks: What? No... *Reaching out hand, like he might die if Benn leaves, looking completely devastated* Not even a little jealous...

Mihawk: You couldn't have thought that pantomime would actually work.

Shanks: Benny, don't leave me.... *Turns to Mihawk, immediately brightening* Oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Hey, Miha, guess whose free all night and horny as a pirate in the calm belt?

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* Very well.

Mihawk might as well get something for the trip he made. Although, he's reconsidering if the sex was actually worth the trouble after he ends up listening to Shanks worry half the night that Benn is shacking up with someone else (after a couple hours of rough and raw fucking, admittedly).

Is it the hat? He likes his captain's hat. Miha, you think his captain's hat is sexy, don't you?

Mihawk: It's utterly ridiculous.

Shanks: ....

Shanks: ....

Shanks: *Smile* Ahh, Miha, I knew you liked the hat!

Shanks: What do you old Northerns find sexy?

Mihawk: I am only four years older than you.

Mihawk: And silence.

Trying to convince Mihawk to go spy on Beckman for him. Shanks doesn't actually care if he does sleep with someone else, it's more that Beckman didn't immediately turn angry and jealous like Buggy would have that has him paranoid.

Mihawk is going to fuck this annoying red head again just to shut him up.

Mihawk: Maybe he doesn't like red haired boys who don't know when to be quiet?

The next morning Shanks is pacing among his poor crew that's gotten stuck listening to Shanks obsess about Beckman again. IS IT REALLY THE HAIR!?

It's not even a matter of Shanks's age (or obvious immaturity). I mean, Beckman got on board and stayed, didn't he? Beckman just enjoys watching Shanks try so hard to get his attention. Like Benn's attention isn't constantly on Shanks. He had to when his captain is always one step away from disaster.

He only left him with Mihawk because it was clear Dracule is not a real danger to Beckman's captain.

Except maybe insulting him to death. But Beckman is pretty sure Shanks can handle it. He's met Buggy. He's suspects Shanks LIKES it if anything.

It gets to the point where when they dock somewhere and see Mihawk waiting, or come back to the ship and spot his familiar silhouette, most of the crew goes off somewhere for another drink (sometimes the newer kids will stay to watch such an awesome fight, everyone else is like... Look, you'll have plenty of opportunities later. This is not a one off.)

Benn just takes a look around, nods to Mihawk (a silent signal for, "he's all yours, do with him as you please, if anything happens to him I will track you down and make sure your last few hours on this blue world are as painful as humanly possible") and heads off.

Oh, it's just the Hawk boy.

That's fine then.

Benn use to be a sailor on a trade ship between the North, East, West and Grand Line. He's seen it all.

They called him The Gun Slinger BEFORE he joined Shanks's crew and became a pirate.

So this young, broke ass kid from the streets of some near artic northern island trying to pass himself off as a Lower North rich type has a thing for his captain? Not really enough to keep Beckman up at night, no matter how good at swords he's supposed to be

Besides, he's pretty sure for the kid to keep tracking down Shanks, he must be bored out of his skull. He's not going to do anything to endanger their captain.

Not if Shanks is the only thing he can find to keep him entertained.

One day, Mihawk is going to be waiting on the dock when a bunch of Red Haired pirates are stumbling home, laughing and chattering amongst themselves (Shanks's crew always seems to be in a good mood). One of them will catch sight if Mihawk and walk by with a smile, patting him on the shoulder.

The captain's occupied. Seems likely he'll be 'occupied' for a good while, too.

Mihawk won't smile, but he will think "So you finally warmed him up to you, Akagami?" and snort lightly.

Poor Benn, though. Mihawk could never imagine being with someone so much younger than him. Shanks is only four years his junior and already it strains Mihawk to put up with his occasional moments of "youthful whimsy" (aka being an annoying, immature child)

"A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair"

Mihawk just putting that on his Not To Do List.

That lasted until Roronoa.

(Mihawk just looking at Zoro knowing this is bad news.)

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

*Cross out, scribbles*

*Hands back to Benn*

Do Not Do:

- A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair a silly hat, who is overly dramatic and in any way, shape or form related to Gol D Rogers.

Ace: Hey what's up?

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

Go ahead, Benn, laugh it up. Mihawk is aware he has a type. Young, pretty, and utterly insane.

After that night where Shanks was otherwise 'occupied', it's over six months before Mihawk sees his friend his rival again. He is, as expected, far too smug and proud looking.

Shanks: Oh, Miha, so sorry you came all this way, I'm-

Benn: Well, I'm off, captain.

Shanks: What!? But we, you, I... Benn, hessoeexyarentyouworriedforyourcaptain?

Benn: *patting Mihawk on the shoulder* Have fun with him. Don't forget to return him by noon tomorrow, we have a schedule. Oh, but if you can babysit him for at least four hours? That would be great.

Shanks: BABYSIT!?

Mihawk: I suppose I can be troubled to do so.

Shanks: TROUBLED!?

Benn: Thanks, Hawkeyes. I owe you.

Shanks: *Fake tears clinging to his lashes* You two are so mean!

No, don't feel bad for him. Shanks is just trying to guilt the two of them into bed at the same time, and they both know it.

Thanks no thanks, they're not into that. But Shanks can be pretty cute when he's trying so hard (Benn) and at least he's not as boring as everything else in this world (Mihawk) so they allow him to keep up the act

Shanks: *looking at Zoro's wanted poster over Mihawk's shoulder* But I feel like you'd gladly go to bed with him and his captain if he asked. That doesn't seem fair to me. You'd never go that far with me and Benn.

Mihawk: *Eyes Benn*

Mihawk: *DEAD. ONLY.*

Mihawk: I have my reasons.

They can and do agree on plenty of things, including reciprocally not being that attracted to each other.

Shanks: Sounds fake to me

Shanks: But guys!

Shanks: This isn't about you

He's gonna need you guys to drop the egos and focus on what HE wants. I.E., being in the middle of two sexy Northern men.

Honestly, so mean to poor Shanks!

[agreasyonion]

back at it again with my bullshit

Attempted to write a fully fledged theory, got distracted, bon appetit.

Each side has their own musical(s) in a playlist that link back to the character in small clever ways. Patton has The Wizard of Oz, Logan has In The Heights, Roman has Hercules/SMASH, Virgil has The Nightmare Before Christmas, Janus has Chicago/Hadestown/Cabaret, and Remus has Bohemian Rhapsody. 

I am assuming Patton's is The Wizard of Oz because of Somewhere Over the Rainbow (which I now only realized could be gay context god damnit). There are alot of adaptations of The Wizard of Oz, but I'll stick with the 1939 version where the song came from. The character Dorothy sings this when she's dreaming of a wonderland-esque place away from her house/world where she isn't listened to. Which is kind of concerning.

In The Heights kind of confused me. I'm not exactly sure how it can link, so if you have any idea, please tell me!

(I've talked enough about Hercules).

SMASH is a TV show about the lives of people revolving around a musical. It tackles with things like the aftermath of divorces, workplace stress, competition and cheating. It gives a little insight as to what can go on behind a musical and fleshes into the characters and the creative process.

TNBC is an incredibly interesting one, because it can give us some insight about what it was like behind the curtains for the Dark Sides. I'm going to make another post about it soon, because my tiny brain that only revolves around fictional characters just expanded a little.

Chicago’s whole plot is about a woman (Velma) murdering her husband and hiring one of the best lawyers in Chicago to try and cover her case, while another woman in prison (Roxie) also makes him cover her case, and both try to outdo each other in popularity. While we could go for the obvious whole lying and corruption of government and media, I wonder who is Velma and who is Roxie. 

Hadestown is a re-telling of the Greek tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice, where a woman steps on a viper and dies by it’s poisoned bite, upsetting her lover  that makes him mourn through song, which softens the hearts of nymphs and deities that they told him to retrieve her from the Underworld, which he agreed to. Hades and Persephone, also touched by the singing, told him he was allowed to revive her and lead her out of the Underworld, but he must not look back at her or she will be stuck there forever. At the very end, he began questioning if Hades was lying to him about her, and turned around to see her vanish back into the Underworld. Oh, and important detail: this version is from Virgil, the poet that is linked to our Virgil. Though this can be up to viewer speculation, my personal view is that someone did something that caused Janus to do something, which caused a huge tragedy, and somehow, Virgil is also responsible for it.

Cabaret is an interesting one. Though the story is about the life of an American writer and his English cabaret performer wife, it’s also actually a metaphor for the Nazi takeover of Germany in the 1930s. The show alludes to this, with kick lines become goose-steps, patriotic anthems become marching songs, lines meant to shock the audience but are seen as perfectly fine in the musical to show the quickly coming discrimination of Jewish people, and even one of the main character’s singing turning into screaming and shouting akin to someone we all know. It slowly descends into more and more of Nazi Germany as the plot goes on, and all the audience can do is watch, expecting a play about the lives around a nightclub, like a lie.

Though Bohemian Rhapsody may seem like a strange choice and a bit of a stretch when you know it’s about Queen’s main singer struggling with his ego, sexuality, addictions and chronic illnesses (AIDS, to be specific). The guy deals with divorces, hiding his sexuality and overall repression of his identity and voice. Sounds a bit like someone.

Aaa bottom text.

[mbti-notes]

Greetings, I am a 75 year old grandma. I am writing because my grandson who is in his 20s won't work. I have been involved in mbti for many decades. I'm an ENFJ. My grandson is still living at home well into his 20s. When I tell him to get a job (over many years) he just tells me to cut him off and that he will be fine without a smartphone and sweet foods. He is very bright. Graduated with a 3.7 from University. He tried various interests, but nothing sticks. Do I kick him out? Its not my nature

[con’t: The actions I've taken to help my grandson is to show him various resources like holland code, personality theory, etc. so that he can find some direction of where to commit. Instead he just takes the holland code over and over again, and happily shows me that his interests vary everytime he takes it. Same with personality theory. He goes on your blog all the time to prove that he doesn't fit anywhere. Based off of that statement he sounds like IxFJ. My grandson resembles Ti loop (IFxJ), but he does not resemble any other aspect of being an FJ. He is relatively well decisive when it comes to everything in his life. The only issue is getting a job, getting on a path, but he rejects this. If he at least helped around the house it would be something, but he can be quite selfish and uncaring, yet at other times very caring. It vacillates. Anyway, please help if possible, I am perplexed.]

WRT His Type: 

I can’t draw a conclusion about his type without a full type assessment. Everything you’ve described is quite consistent with INFJ and Ni-Ti loop. It seems that you don’t understand tertiary loop very well. Ti loop is an unconscious repudiation of feeling, responsibility, and eventually, conscience. It amounts to a refusal to be the things that make FJs good and admirable people. Basically, the more severe the case of Ti loop, the more arrogant, narcissistic, and callous the INFJ becomes. 

If the INFJ is only at the stage of trying to suppress the vulnerability of feeling life, there is still a fair chance for them to turn their life around by developing better emotional intelligence to address the emotional immaturity. If the INFJ has reached the point of refusing personal responsibility, they will be preoccupied/obsessed with finding any excuse, and even creating enemies, to blame for the poor state of their life. At this point, they are impervious to facts and don’t respond well to advice. If the INFJ loses all self-awareness and manages to convince themselves that they are “special” and not subject to conventional rules and ethical boundaries, then the time for you to distance from them is nearing, as chronic Se grip will set in and produce reactive, aggressive, or extreme behavior. 

To get out of Ti loop requires genuine humility and reconnection with feeling life. The INFJ must take full responsibility for their decisions, correct the big mistakes that they have made in life, and atone for all the harm that they have caused. He does not seem to be capable of this at the moment. I explain Ti loop not to be an alarmist, but to give you a realistic view of how destructive tertiary loop can be, what rock bottom looks like for INFJs, and the signs to be wary of. If the relationship with him ever reaches a point where his mindset becomes toxic and harmful to you, it is important that you move to protect yourself.

WRT His Problem: 

Getting someone in the right frame of mind to make a change and tackle a big problem is very tricky business because you don’t want to try and fail too many times. If you’re correct about Ti loop, then the more times you try to help and fail, the more likely he is to retreat further into himself (and delusion). To avoid applying the wrong solution, it’s best to do some “intelligence gathering” first so that you understand the problem properly before proceeding.

Neither of you has gotten to the bottom of his “block”, i.e., the actual obstacle that is getting in the way of his advancement. You can’t solve a problem if you can’t identify the cause(s) of it. The cause can be internal, external, or a combination of factors. Getting him into aptitude/personality studies seems like a logical approach to the problem. However, this assumes that the underlying cause of the problem is that he doesn’t really know himself - is it, though? It’s not clear to me, from what you’ve said, that this is the root of the problem. There isn’t enough info for me to draw any conclusion and I don’t wish to speculate wildly about what his problem might be. He seems to have some deeper psychological issues going on. And this lack of knowledge about his motivations is probably the reason that you’re both having difficulty pinpointing his type.

Therefore, the first order of business is to examine the problem in depth to figure out what the true cause of it is. Is the nature of the employment problem practical, psychological, educational, social, etc? Once you have an accurate grasp of the problem, then think on the right solution to it, or get help from someone with the expertise to determine the right solution. Note that if he is already at the point of avoiding responsibility and making excuses to manipulate reality, he himself will be blind to the real problem.

WRT Your Decision: 

The last point I want to make is about you and your feelings. It sounds like he is suffering from some form of arrested development because he still has the mentality of a child. Academic GPA means nothing without emotional maturity and life skills. His behavior indicates that he depends on you but is also spoiled in taking your support for granted. This means that the more you try to support/help him, the more you may be enabling his unhealthy behavior and preventing him from becoming truly independent. 

It is in his best interests to learn how to be a responsible adult because he will not always have someone to lean on in life (especially since Ti loop is very destructive to relationships). This should happen sooner rather than later, because the longer someone stays stuck in a rut, the harder it is to change, as inertia deepens. This is especially true in terms of employment because doors close and opportunities gradually dry up the older one gets. For the sake of his continued personal growth, he has to learn how to face up to his life’s problems and resolve them. But it sounds like he’s not willing to do that without being compelled to. He explicitly said to cut him off, which is basically like telling mama bird that he’s not going to jump off the tree and fly until he gets pushed off. Push him. Yes, he could have some psychological issue going on, but he’s also using your support to avoid facing up to it. If this is true, then you need to step BACK and allow him to step up for himself.

Should you kick him out? I understand that, from your perspective, this path would be the last resort, because it would violate your moral sensibilities and perhaps damage the relationship. But the fact that you’re at the point of considering it means that you’ve been dealing with this situation for far too long without making any progress. Please take some time to address how much this situation stresses YOU. Otherwise, your feelings may eventually boil over and possess you to do something you regret.

The fairest approach to this situation is to treat him like you would treat anyone else. In other words, stop giving him preferential treatment, especially if he doesn’t appreciate it and thus doesn’t deserve it. (Preferential treatment is reserved for people who are putting in their best effort but still falling short due to factors beyond their control.) If he wants to live under someone else’s roof, he has to contribute his fair share, as any adult would be expected to do (rent, bills, food, etc). If he wants to use/share your space, he has to help with cleaning and maintenance so that the workload is fairly distributed, as any adult would be expected to do. If he wants to have a relationship with you, then he has to reciprocate to make the friendship equal, as any adult would be expected to do. If it were anyone else, you would draw lines and boundaries about what kinds of behavior you would tolerate, wouldn’t you? I hope you would. If you're a doormat, it makes your relationship dynamic with him codependent and even more unhealthy. 

**A healthy relationship must have boundaries. Personal boundaries must be respected to justify continued investment in the relationship. If someone doesn’t respect your needs and boundaries, they don’t respect you, and they’re proving themselves unworthy of your continued effort. Until someone proves that they are worthy of your trust and support, it is best to maintain emotional distance from them, for your own safety and psychological well-being.**

It’s time for you to step up for yourself and how you feel. Make your needs and desires matter just as much as his, which means drawing the lines, setting the boundaries, and enforcing the rules that you need for honoring your existence. Yes, it would be nice if everyone just knew how to respect each other, but that’s not the case. If a relationship is hurting you, then it’s necessary to practice proper self-care and correct what is wrong. It’s not about being controlling but about respecting you and what is yours. If he can’t abide by your rules and boundaries, he is an adult and free to set his own rules elsewhere. Don’t forget that if you let him walk all over you, you’re implicitly confirming to him that exploitation is normal and acceptable relationship behavior.

1) Devaluing your needs is a disservice to yourself and puts you in the backseat of this relationship to be hurt and exploited, and 2) devaluing your needs is a disservice to him, because taking advantage of your generosity allows him to continue on with unhealthy behavior. I’ve given a few possibilities above and it’s up to you to take the path that you think is best for both parties.

[cowtale-utau]

Romantic Matchup, please? Aquarius, INTJ, Type 5 at level 4. My choice would be Doc, but I'm delighted to see who you think I fit with! I'm generally silent & emotionally distant yet once I feel secure with someone, it's ride-or-die. Despite my chronic illness & depression resulting in low energy, I do work hard to the point of exhaustion. I prefer my s/o to take the lead in things, as long as said person goes slow--real poor experiences before. I most enjoy reading and people-watching. Thanks!

My choice, Calico.  When in a relationship, he doesn’t need constant reassurance. If you didn’t want to be there. he figures you wouldn’t be. So being emotionally distant won’t phase him. He tends to instinctively know how you’re feeling, even if you don’t readily express it. He’s provides a relaxed stability, and can handle just about any kind of difficulty or upheaval, so any support you need with your chronic condition or depression is readily provided. He’s good at predicting your needs, so is ready even before you ask. He will stay out of your way until you express a desire for help however, as he doesn’t want to infringe upon your autonomy. Tell him you want him to take over, and he’ll happily handle any aspects you want him to. Dates, day to day activities, social engagements. He’s content to to take over in whatever ways you want, but has a very soft hand in doing so. Its a more guiding as opposed to commanding. Giving him the reins however, means no more over working. Its one of the places he’ll truly be firm with you, and if you don’t cooperate he will simply pick you up and haul you off somewhere to relax and rest. He’s especially happy if said resting involves you reading in one of the comfy chairs of his shop. You’re resting, he can keep an eye on you, and you’re nearby, all good things as far as he’s concerned.Calico is an ENFP, Type 2, Pisces. As a pair this match is very much built of opposites. One is more social, the other a loner. One a feeling type, the other a thinker. This allows you to compensate for one another. What you have to watch for is that you don’t let Calico become overbearing. Be firm and clear about where your boundaries are, so he knows what lines not to cross.

Your choice was Doc. He’ll greatly appreciate your loyal mentality, but will need a little bit of reassurance. He presents himself as very confident, but has a lot of self-doubt. It doesn’t particularly matter if you aren’t the best at expressing what you feel, just so long as you do at all. He doesn’t need huge gestures, just the occasional verbal reminder is enough to satisfy him. He needs some form of feedback to know he’s doing well. He can be a bit bossy right from the jump, its just his nature. But if you express any kind of discomfort, even indirectly, he’ll back down. He won’t directly express that he’s easing up, but he’ll take more time to consult you, before acting like it was his decision all along. He’ll occasionally push just a little, to test if the boundaries have changed. If he’s unsure, he’ll ask you directly, but he does try to see for himself first. Once you let him take over, he can get kind of strict. He’s a control freak, and likes to keep track of every minor detail. He’ll know exactly how much you can handle any given day, and will not let you go over that limit. He’ll use his talent with healing to ease your symptoms as best he can, and you know he’ll be looking into whether there’s a way to cure you of whatever condition you’re dealing with. Even if there isn’t he’ll constantly find new ways to mitigate your symptoms as much as possible. Doc himself greatly enjoys reading, so when he isn’t busy he’s happy to curl up somewhere comfy with you and a good book.Doc is an ENTJ, Type 6, Leo. This pairing is in a lot of ways very similar, and in others, polar opposite. They both respect intellectual expertise, and have an eye for detail and facts. However 6s tend to be more passionate and moody, while 5s err more towards emotional calmness and objectivity. This tends to be an all or nothing kind of match. Make sure to let Doc know when you need space, and give him the occasional affirmation that you aren’t going to leave him, and you should be fine.

I wanted to take your suggestion and see how it looked from the opposite side. Hope you enjoy! Let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.

[randomslasher]

Hi I'm sorry to bother you but I wanted to ask something about speaking to someone going through pain. My dad recently started having some bad back pain, like stay in bed pain, and he's gotten better but still has to stay home a lot. The thing is recently he's been a bit short, or shorter than usual. And I understand that he's having a hard time so I was wondering if there was anyway I could be more supportive? something that will make him feel better?

Ouch...I’m sorry to hear that, anon. I can definitely relate. 

There’s not a whole lot that you can do to help, as a lot of what he’s going through is frustration and anger at himself and his own body. If he’s never had back issues before and has always been able-bodied, he’s definitely going to be experiencing some strong anger about it. He’s very likely even going through the stages of grief--I know no one died, but losing functionality of part of your body, and learning to live with your new limitations, is a very emotional process. 

As a reminder, those stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 

Applied to back pain, they look like this: 

Denial: “I’m fine. It’s not that bad. It’ll get better. I’m just being a baby. I can still do XYZ. It’s no big deal.” 

Anger: Being short with people who are trying to help, being excessively frustrated when he can’t perform simple tasks, yelling, jaw clenching, having a shorter temper than before. 

Bargaining: This will mostly be internal, but he’ll likely be doing things like “Okay, if I stay in bed today, then TOMORROW I’d better be feeling good again” or “I swear as soon as my back gets better, I’m going to start going to the gym and doing all my physical therapy and get my core super strong again” or “I’ll start doing yoga every morning, I’m gonna have the strongest back ever, I promise, just stop hurting now!” 

Depression: This one’s easy to spot. Sadness, decreased affect, decreased or increased appetite, listlessness, a sense of “my life is never going to get better.” 

Acceptance: Moving forward and learning to manage his pain and accept his limitations with his condition. If his injury IS temporary, this stage will happen when he recovers; if it’s not--if it’s going to be a chronic or recurrent situation (which unfortunately back pain often is), then reaching this stage might take longer. 

As for what you can do? Without knowing your dad’s temperament or your relationship to him, I have a harder time with this, but I can tell you what helps me: Remind him that it’s okay to be hurting. Encourage him to take medication that will help with his pain, even if he’s not hurting all that bad yet (I take ibuprofen pretty much on the clock now--though of course that means I have to drink TONS of fluids to keep my kidneys healthy). But most importantly? 

Let his anger wash off you. Do your best not to be hurt if he snaps or lashes out from pain. Especially if he then immediately apologizes. I know that can be difficult, but chances are it’s not about you at all. Remind him you love him. Give him hugs when he can tolerate them. Show him that you know that his anger is directed inward and is a result of his pain. 

I’m giving you this advice with one big grain of salt: 

Do this as long as that really is what’s going on. 

As someone who experiences chronic pain myself (and back pain to boot), I know firsthand how easy it is to snap at people who are just trying to hep because pain does things to your head. If that’s really where his anger is coming from, then being understanding and forgiving is a good thing. 

However. 

If anyone else reading this has someone who is constantly angry and treats them poorly, or if your dad starts getting worse and lashing out at you all the time? 

That’s not okay. 

Let me give you a quick example of the difference. 

When my back goes out--like REALLY goes out, which you guys haven’t actually ever seen yet--I literally can’t get up without help. I have to move around my own house with a walker. Breathing wrong sends sharp pangs of agony through my spine. It’s bad. 

If I’m in that state, and my fiance comes over to try to help me and I’m not quite ready for her to and she tries to pull me up and I snap, “Don’t TOUCH me!” because I’m in pain and frustrated and afraid she’ll hurt me if she moves too soon? That’s one thing. And I should still apologize for it, because she was just trying to help. 

BUT. 

If I start calling her names or being rude to her just because I’m in pain and need someone to take it out on? THAT’S not okay. That’s when understandable, justifiable pain-anger turns abusive. 

I just wanted to clarify the difference, lest anyone think I was implying that it’s okay to be emotionally abusive if you’re hurting. It’s NOT. 

But it is okay to forgive the occasional short or snappy remark when someone is hurting a lot, because pain is so, so hard to live with, and can make you short-tempered, even (sometimes especially) with those who are just trying to help. 

I hope your dad’s back feels better soon, anon. 

[chasholidays]

Bellarke super villain/super hero au where Bellamy is the villain and Clarke is the hero. I'm thinking Captain Cold/Flash vibes from the Flash show, but idk if you've watched that and am not super torn if you go a different direction.

definitely ended up going a different direction

Bioshock ranks about second or third on the list of Boston-area superheroes Bellamy respects, which is why, when she lands next to him one night while he’s on a stakeout in Dorchester, he doesn’t immediately pick a fight.

“Isn’t your company in Brighton?” he asks instead. “Please tell me you didn’t come all the way out here to bust me. Are you on the BPD payroll now?”

She doesn’t even crack a smile. “No. I came all the way out here to ask for your help.”

That’s a surprise, and from the pointed way Bioshock is looking forward, watching the intersection and not him, she feels about as weird about it as he does.

Bellamy and Bioshock are, nominally, not really on the same side. Bioshock is a corporate super, on the payroll of, last he heard, Polaris, a fairly new tech company with a lot of expensive equipment just waiting to be stolen. This makes Bioshock, at least in common parlance, a hero, someone who has registered her real name and powers with an agency, and who offers her services to anyone who wants to pay her to protect their goods from, well–

From people like him.

“You know we’re not on the same side, right?” he asks. “Isn’t this what Ark is supposed to do for you? Don’t you guys have a union?”

“Umbra,” she says, and it’s not as if they know each other, not as if they’re friends, but something in her tone makes him sit up and take notice. “You think I’d be here if I thought I had a better choice?”

It’s hard to be offended, when he knows she’s right. He can think of a few reasons he might go to a corporate for help, and if he did, he’d know what he was asking. Bioshock must too.

“Okay,” he says. “So, you want my help. What’s up?”

“You know I’m working for Polaris now, right?”

“That was what I heard, yeah.”

“My roommate is too. Not as a super, just as a regular employee. And I’m worried about her.”

“Worried about her how?”

“She hasn’t been acting like herself. She’s been spending a lot of time at work, which–she’s always been a workaholic. But not like this. And everything Ark told me about the job has been true, so–if there’s something going on, I think Ark knows about it.”

He lets out an actual cackle. “Holy shit, are you going rogue?”

But she’s serious. “Not yet. Not until I have more information.”

“So where do I come in?”

“You can get information I can’t. You’re unaligned, and I know you break into corporations and get stuff to sell. If you can steal tech, you can steal information.”

“And you can’t?”

“I’m a guard. I can give you information, but if they catch me inside, I’m fucked.”

That’s true too. Corporates going rogue is a big deal; Ark knows everything about her, and if they knew she turned against them, they’d blast her real identity everywhere. She has protection Bellamy doesn’t have, but only as long as she does as she’s told.

“So you want me to get fucked instead.”

“Better you than me,” she teases, but it actually lands as a joke. “It’s not like your powers aren’t more suited to espionage than mine.”

“True.” He looks at her, the slick profile that gives almost nothing away. Like most corporates, her costume is top of the line, military grade protection. Even through all the layers of disguise, he thinks she looks tired. “Why should I trust you?”

She must have been expecting the question, because there’s no hesitation. She leans forward, pulling off her cowl and exposing her face. She’s pretty, but unfamiliar, not that that’s surprising. This city is full of people he doesn’t know. He could have walked by her a hundred times and he probably still wouldn’t know her. “My name is Clarke Griffin,” she says. “I’ll give you my address too, if you want.”

It takes him a moment to recover from the shock. “Why do you trust me?”

“I did my research. Will you do it?”

It could still be a trap, but, honestly, it feels like a lot of work to trap him. Especially from Ark, whose companies Bellamy rarely hassles. Even Tempest probably doesn’t care enough to run a long con on him. They have to have better things to do with their time.

“I want some more proof of identity. Not your address, something that links you to the name.”

“I’m on Facebook and I work at the MFA. I’m doing tours tomorrow from noon to five.”

“Okay. If I’m in, I’ll meet you back here tomorrow. Same bat time, same bat channel.”

She nods, pulls her cowl back on. “Thank you.”

“I haven’t agreed yet.”

“I know. But thank you anyway.”

And then she’s gone.

He goes to the MFA the next day and walks past Bioshock in the galleries. She’s at the head of a tour, with a name tag reading Clarke on her chest.

So that’s that. They’re doing this.

*

“So, what am I looking for, exactly?”

Bellamy’s superpower is pretty awesome, if he does say so himself. Like most powers, it started manifesting when he was in high school, and he found he could just blend into and through things. He can’t just hide in shadows, he can melt into walls.

Like Bioshock said, he’s really good at espionage.

Her voice crackles back through the communicator. “My roommate’s name is Raven Reyes.”

“Is she here?” he asks.

“Right now? No, she should be at home.”

“Where does she think you are?”

“She knows what I do.”

“Wow.”

“Does no one know about you?”

“No one I’m not related to.”

“Is that hard?”

“If I wanted people to know who I was, I’d be a corporate. If your roommate isn’t here, why do I care about her name?”

“Because I think whatever she’s working on is doing something bad to her. She started off telling me all about it, and now every time I ask she says she’ll tell me when it’s ready.”

“Ominous.”

“Yeah. I might just be paranoid, but–”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“Yeah. Her project is called ALIE, A-L-I-E.”

“How’s she acting different? Just not talking about it?”

“Not just that. She’s–she was in an accident a few years ago. Her leg. She’s been living with chronic pain, and now she’s just–not. Which would be fine if I thought she was–it feels like she was replaced by an alien that doesn’t understand what pain is.”

“So, creepy as fuck?”

“Pretty much.” She sighs. “I know I sound like an asshole.”

“You don’t. You sound worried.”

“Worried that my friend isn’t in constant pain.”

Bellamy melts through a wall into a room with a bunch of files, which is a good start. He’s not much of a hacker, but he’s found most places keep at least some hard copies. “She would have told you if she was getting treatment, right?”

“Yeah. All she says is that it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Yeah,” he says, pulling open the A drawer and scanning for ALIE. “That’s creepy as fuck.”

Bioshock snorts. “Thanks for the validation.”

“Any time.” He pauses, but they’re sort of friends now. After a fashion. “What are you going to do? If you’re right about all this. Polaris is dirty, Ark is in on it. What’s the plan?”

“Figure out how to get Raven out, and then–she’s good with computers. I’m pretty sure she could make us new identities.”

“So you’d leave?”

There’s a pause. “My mom’s a corporate too. I registered with Ark before I really knew what it meant. I’m not saying I regret it, but–I didn’t really think about what it would mean.”

The ALIE file is thick, and if Bellamy takes it someone might find out. “I’ve got something for you, but it’s on paper. You think we can make copies and bring it back tonight?”

“I’m imagining you going into a Kinkos in costume. It’s cute.”

“I was just going to go to the library, they tend to have less security. How long are you on patrol here? Can I leave and come back?”

“Yeah, I can stick around.”

The room has a window, which means he can just slide through the wall and out of the building. “Doesn’t this suck with your day job?” he asks. “Late nights?”

“Can you afford to not have a day job?”

“I work from home,” he lies. “And I don’t have a night job, remember? I just do what I want.”

“Brag about it. I see you,” she adds.

“Huh, didn’t know you were on this side of the building.” He finds her, floating in the sky. “Are you strong enough to carry me?”

“Nope.”

“Then I’ll see you soon.”

He takes his bike over to the library and makes copies the old-fashioned way, with the ancient copy machine that doesn’t keep any records. It’s too late by the time he’s getting back to Polaris, but Bioshock is still there, sitting on the roof, waiting. He gives her the copy and returns the file, and suddenly realizes that this might be it.

He might have done all she needs him to do.

“Thank you,” she says.

“Sure.” He looks her up and down. “Can I trust you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to see how this goes,” he admits. “But I don’t know if I want to give you my number.”

That makes her laugh. “You know where to find me.”

“Just until you break your roommate out of this and drop off the map.”

“I’ll leave you a note.”

“You might need help,” he says.

“And you want to help me?”

Before this, Bellamy knew a few things about Bioshock. She’s only ever worked with Ark, not Tempest or any of the right-wing, conservative super agencies. When she talks about super affairs, she’s fair and thoughtful. She’s put some villains behind bars, but they’ve been ones he considers bad, the ones who hurt people, not just independent thieves like him.

And she came to him, and she trusted him. That means something too.

“I do, yeah.”

“Then it kind of sounds like you trust me,” she says, and he has to smile.

“I guess so. So, uh, I’m Bellamy. If you roommate’s home, do you want to come back to my place to look at that?”

She smiles. “That would be great, yeah.”

*

It’s not exactly an easy project, but it turns out the two of them are a good team. Clarke brings in a rogue corporate she knows named Monty, who fills the very important role of actually knowing something about technology, and between Clarke’s access to Polaris, Bellamy’s access to everything, and Monty’s hacking abilities, they manage to figure out what Polaris was trying to do (some kind of creepy mind control), how to get Raven out of it (incomprehensible technology), and how to get them all to somewhere new (Bellamy’s friend Miller’s place in Seattle) with new identities.

Which is actually kind of awkward.

“How did you get involved in this again?” Raven asks him. She’s still a little hazy, in the memories. “Like–where did you come from?”

“I actually don’t know,” he admits, looking to Clarke. “Why did you ask me?”

Her neck goes a little pink, but her expression stays neutral. “I found a list of villains and picked one who’d never killed anyone or made any decisions I disagreed with.”

“Romantic,” says Raven, and Clarke’s neck goes pinker. “What was your code name again?”

“Umbra,” Monty supplies.

“Oh,” says Raven. “Now I’ve got it.”

Bellamy wants to press, but there’s no way Clarke’s going to talk about it with everyone else around. So he waits until Monty and Raven go off to do their own thing before settling next to her. “So, why did you really pick me?”

“Hm?”

“Clarke,” he says, nudging her shoulder. “Come on.”

She catches her lip in her teeth, looking over at him with a somewhat shy smile. “I liked you.”

“Liked me?”

“Fair fights, the few times we had them. Good statements, when you made public statements. Great ass,” she admits, and he laughs.

“You liked me,” he teases, and she glares.

“Shut up.”

He leans closer, feeling a smile growing on his face. He’d been hoping, honestly. “Do you still like me?”

In lieu of answering, she fists her hand in his shirt, pulling him in, and he’s still smiling when she kisses him.

“You’re my favorite super,” she tells him, and he bumps his nose against hers.

“Right back at you.”