#If people have support or someone who is willing to teach them change will occur.

[insaneillusionist]

Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani is an incredible movie and I recommend you all watch it, and they have the perfect usage of a sequin shirt.

[lopezmcmxci]

Dear Stranger,

As I am sitting here, writing this letter, there hasn't been a time where I can say I have at least one genuine memory of you. You have barely been in my life, coming around only when you feel like it; maybe a couple of days within a year. I can't consider you a person that I can truly rely on. I wish I could say, "I remember when my dad pushed me on the swings" or "I remember when my dad taught me how to ride a bike." 

But I can't say those things. I can't say that because I can't remember something that never occurred. I can't cry on a shoulder that was never present and I can't seek a hand from someone that never reached out to me. You have been a ghost my entire life.

After I was born, you decided that you didn’t want to be a father to me. You didn’t get to know me or seen me, but you already made up your mind: I was not yours. 

I wanted you to want me, I wanted to be daddy’s little girl but you never gave me the chance. I wanted my biological father to accept me but I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t. When you left me behind, I had to wonder time and time again: why? I began to suspect if there was something wrong with me, that maybe I wasn’t good enough or I didn’t deserve love from the person who should love you unconditionally. I started to doubt myself and become afraid of the people in my life. Would they leave too? Who could truly love me? Why would anyone ever want to stay?

I always wanted to have a relationship with you, but I can never force someone to be genuine nor make them be interested in who I am or what I have to say. I will never change for anybody.

The times I reached out and tried to build a relationship with you, was for my own happiness. To bring some closure or to ease some of the pain from an absent father. But it's too late. I'm a grown adult now, I'm not a child anymore. What is left to celebrate? What is there to remember? Nothing. You're too late to teach me how to ride a bike, you're too late to push me on the swings, you're too late to hug me when I'm upset, you're too late to pick me up from school, you're too late. The bad: my early teen depression stages and the good: my high school graduation, you missed it and I just have to accept that. I have to accept the fact that I can never have a true bond with you, all the early milestones are gone and I'm sure the future ones won't have you in them. 

I stood in the shadows, watching you let me down over and over again. I watched you not pay child support, not buy me gifts for birthdays or Christmas; I watched you disappear from my life, leaving me behind countless times, only to return like nothing ever happened, thinking you were not in the wrong for leaving and everything is okay again because you were back. I watched you hurt me, and the worse part is? I let you do this. You never apologized. In your mind, you thought you had the right not to say sorry to your own daughter.

The one thing you did right in your life was finally telling me about my half-brother. The times that you did come around, I pestered you about him. I wanted to get to know him, I wanted to know his name, how old he was, I wanted to meet him but you always dodged the questions and never gave me those answers. You stayed quiet, but I was determined. I never stopped asking you about him, I wanted to find out any information I could. When you did eventually tell me about him, we got to know each other. This doesn't change the fact that it took you so long to acknowledge my inquiries, but at least I can say I have a brother. 

I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I can't keep up the facade that I have a relationship with my father when he's not willing to be there for me. I cannot keep a relationship up and running when somebody is not willing to chase me. I'm always the person running toward you while you run away and I'm tired. It's too late for you to turn yourself around and run toward me for a change. 

I always thought, "Why didn't he love me? Why didn't he want me? Why didn't he, at least, try to be a part of my life?" There was a time in my life when I felt worthless because of you. There was a time when I felt lonely because of you. There was a time when I felt like a part of me was missing. I'll be honest, I never think about you anymore. That's not me, speaking out of hurt or anger, that's me moving on. 

To give up, would be like you. To be a coward, to be afraid, to rely on drugs and alcohol to dampen the pain; would be like you. I choose a different path, I choose to face my problems head-on and find a way to fix them. I persevered through the pain of never being wanted by you. I struggled against the challenges of being raised without a father and by a mother who could hardly care for me on her own.

I found my own way. I found my own happiness and peace. And although you'll never ask; yes I have forgiven you, but I have moved on.

Sincerely,

The daughter you never wanted.

[elxy-x]

life updates, feelings, thoughts, and growing pains.  Chapter 1

hey there. It's really been a time for me and my spiritual growth. I don’t where this path is leading me in life sometimes and it scares the shit out of me. I’ve lost a lot of people that I always thought were going to be in my life, yet here I am still going. The only constants in my life have been God, my parents and my family. But then again, I guess that’s all I ever really needed. I’m really learning how to be whole by myself. Ironic because I am dating someone named: Austin Taylor Gabriel. The name has a good ring to it. I can for sure say that from what I have seen so far I like his mentality on things and he adds to my happiness, which I absolutely adore. I still live in a lot of regrets and the guilt sometimes eats me alive a little. This is the consequence of my actions, the best I can do is learn and change for the better. I’ve been having a hard yet, easy time adjusting. I know really know that we never really get to keep anyone in our lives. If we are lucky-- we get to “keep them” at least until they pass away. Some people-- a lot of people really just come and go to teach us lessons, to brighten our days, and make a gloomy day seem like we still have a fighting chance at the perplexing thing called life. Some people grow to be your best friends and stay for life. I am learning to let go with grace, no resentment...it’s ok. Really, it is guys. I realized this is was the most whole I have ever been in my life when 2 of my best friends departed from me. The crazy part is that I was still happy deep down inside when these series of unfortunate events occurred. I can’t sit there and be upset about anything because I see people die every day at work and life is way too precious. I would be doing Mr. Rodgers an injustice or other patients that I work with. I think to myself: “if they can still smile and they are bed bound-- essentially. chained to a bed, then who the hell am I to not live my life to the fullest? I have to live my life happily and to the fullest, for God, me, and lastly to the people that can’t anymore. I am still fighting my demons every day, but it’s going really well. I am 37 days sober and I don’t really miss the alcohol which is weird. 

Chapters 1 and 1/2 

I have met a wonderful human being at a very strange time in my life. Right when I was done with relationships and trying to make things work. He goes by the name of Austin Taylor Gabriel. He is absolutely incredible. He is very caring, humble, funny, super goofy, and is always willing to try new things for me. “Hell was the journey, but it bought me heaven.”  Come to think of it now, if I would have met Austin any sooner I don’t think I would have cherished the connection as much as I do know. I went through so much shit and trials and tribulations and was about to just give up on the idea of finding someone that it made me appreciate finding someone like him. He’s very different for sure. Last weekend it was spent together with him, I danced with him in his living room ( country dancing to be exact). It was magical like I had met him before already. He’s the best buddy that I never had in a significant other. We both feel the same way. he asked me out at his house on March 2nd around 11pm or midnight. Shortly after....well you know how it goes. We had sex to Taylor Swift in the background, her folklore album to be exact. And let me tell you. That. Shit.Was. Magical. Everything about it. Also, this is the 3rd time I’ve had sex with Taylor Swift on in the background. Its my guilty pleasure. Things are easy with Austin, super easy. We think a lot alike and respect each other much. The first flower that he bought me were sunflowers, although they were rather dead lol, and he bought me journals and beautiful pens so that we could get to know each other.   He’s very supportive, is always excited to see me, and has beautiful blue, green, gray, teal colored eyes that are my favorite to look at while he is “smitten” looking at me. Austin may have just “came at the right time in life and I am very lucky” per my therapist, but honestly. I want to figure things out for me now. I want to make me happy and be there for my first. For the first time in my life, I am putting me first, learning to say no for my mental health and I'm not afraid to do so. I’ve taken so pictures with Austin at the Photo Booth where I used to all the time, I've decided that its time to make some new memories. Austin is very attentive, gives me my space, is very understanding, and is very attracted to me, haha. I met this man right after I ended things with Josh Beckham, and guys let me tell you this was a blessing in disguise. I haven’t met the new me yet, but I'm sure she would be proud of all the choices and the decisions that I have made. I was getting the bare minimum with Josh and didn’t see it becuase I was told I was being “unreasonable” too “overwhelming” and “too much”, but it was the other way around really. My last words to him were: “Please do not contact me unless you want to make things work. I want to find my husband.” I  And that’s  what I did. I focused on my own short comings, as I still am and here I am. I trust God with all my heart and I don’t know why he’s doing what yet, but I know it will all make sense later for sure. He has never let me down. I find peace now in just being alone....maybe thats why my parents just like being alone...it’s just easier. Spending time alone is one of my favorite things to as of now.  I have picked up new hobbies: running, photography, tennis and biking all coming here soon this summer! Austin will be my new jogging buddy. Cheers to new chapters. 

[wisdomrays]

THE DEVOTED SOULS AND LIFE STANDARDS: Part 2

A bohemian life has no limit

You need to be so steadfast on this issue, so that even if God Almighty makes money shower down from the sky and form a heap before you, you should still say, “No matter how abundantly you come, you cannot find any way into my heart. I know where to use you.” Some saintly figures spent all of the goods God bestowed them without leaving anything for the morrow. A report included in the collection of Imam Bukhari teaches us the attitude to be adopted in the face of worldly means. Accordingly, while the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, was about to lead a Prayer at his mosque, he suddenly stopped and rushed to his room. After that, he returned and led the Prayer. When the Prayer was over, he turned to the puzzled congregation and explained that at the moment he was about to start the Prayer, it occurred to him that somebody had given him a present. Since this worldly property could occupy his mind during the Prayer, he told his wife Aisha to give it to someone else so that he could free his heart and stand in God’s presence thus. This perfect lifestyle of God’s Messenger, together with his blessed light and atmosphere, made such an impact on those around him that their attitudes and behaviors were never changed by their opportunities. Bediüzzaman’s treatise “On Frugality” is a very important guideline on this issue. Reading it from time to time will be very helpful in terms of getting used to living contently with frugality. Otherwise, there is no limit to leading a bohemian life. If people indulge themselves in such a life—may God forbid—they spend an entire life controlled by their carnal desires. For this reason, frugality and contentment is an important value for everyone, poor or rich.

Particularly for the believers dedicated to serving faith, thankful contentment has a special significance. It is the duty of those who employ them to provide them with a sufficient payment for a decent living; on the other hand what falls on the devoted souls is to live with frugality and contentment, and to not compare their own lives with their counterparts outside their spiritual sphere. Home and abroad, wherever they are, the volunteers had better become accustomed to living with a modest income, like the scholarship of a student. Other people’s working for very high salaries cannot be an example for those who soar through the horizons of self-sacrifice. They do not care about owning worldly property; they rent an apartment to reside and support their family with what God Almighty grants them. This is the basic discipline of devotion. The desire to be like those who chase money and status is a violation of this discipline. Others may lead a heedless life by eating and lying lazily. This cannot be a criterion for the devoted soul. God Almighty grants some worldly means to some of those who run lawfully on His path, such as the private business they run; that is a different issue. However, those who are paid through the financial means of serving the truth need to be very careful on this issue. Nobody must take anything more than they deserve. When Abu Bakr was given a little more than the sufficient amount to support his family, he put the remaining amount to a pot and willed it to be given to the next caliph after he passed away. When it was brought to Umar ibn al-Khattab, in accordance with the will, he could not hold back his tears and said, “You presented an inimitable example of righteousness and responsibility for those to come after you.” Thus he voiced the greatness of the first caliph. Actually, this is how the devoted souls in our time have to be. If they look at the means and payment others enjoy and hold the mistaken idea, “It seems that these are the real rewards of the job I am doing,” they should know that even if they run breathlessly on that path, this very thought will cause them to consume the blessings meant for the afterlife.

Constant self-criticism

Another point that needs concern on this issue is having in mind the question, “I wonder whether I really deserve this salary I get?” We need to maintain this self-criticism by praying somewhere open to the public, or by eating at an establishment and asking ourselves: “I am consuming the water, using the carpet, and eating the food here, so I wonder whether…” Even if we are in the places that belong to the circle we are devoted to, we need to be suffering with such concerns in our inner world.

Even things gained while fighting for a righteous cause are lawful to take only in certain conditions. According to a hadith related in Sahih al-Bukhari, making personal claim on any possession left from a particular enemy depends on having eliminated him personally. But when a nameless hero was offered a share from the gains of a battle he joined, he rejected the offer since was fighting not to gain benefits but to sacrifice himself. As our way is “serving” for the sake of God, we are supposed to adopt the philosophy of selflessness and lead our lives in dignified contentment. God loves those who sincerely act this way. Attitude and behaviors of such people have an effect on others, and seeing them reminds others of God. There is no need for them to tell so much with words. Their attitudes become an eloquent tongue and an articulate speech. Otherwise, those who cannot maintain this fine state cannot convey any good message even if they start shouting. Even if such people hold others’ attention temporarily, they can never help others make spiritual progress. Maybe some of us find it very difficult to lead such a life. But we mean to attain the difficult. The Qur’anic address to the noble Prophet “…the Hereafter (what comes after) will be better for you than this world (what has gone before)…” (ad-Duha 93:4) is also true for ordinary people like us. God Almighty makes the following warning to those who think otherwise, “…but you (people) love and prefer what is before you (the present, worldly life), and abandon that which is to come later (the Hereafter)” (al-Qiyamah 75:20–21). In one of the letters he wrote to his students, Nursi refers to the same fact by stating that this age made (most) followers of Islam prefer this life over the afterlife, willfully and gladly. That is, he pointed out that the greatest disaster in the contemporary age was that love for this material world gained priority over love for the Hereafter; he commented that this verse refers to our time. From a perspective of Qur’anic exegesis, the original Arabic word in the verse is inflected in simple present tense (mudari); we can infer that this situation is one that continues for a long time. Therefore, it is possible to say that this understanding of preferring this worldly life over the next is likely to continue in the years to come. Probably in criticism of such facts, Muhammad Qutb chose the title Are We Muslims? for one of his books. According to the commentary of the great Imam Abu Hanifa in his Al-Fiqh Al-Akbar, making such a statement in the sense of not really being sure whether one really accepts faith or not is an expression of unbelief. But there is nothing wrong in this one, for it is used in a sense of making self-criticism. The poet Mehmed Akif referred to the same problem thus:

Let alone being Muslim, we can hardly be called human;

Let us make no pretense, we cannot fool anyone.

All the true Muslims I knew are already in their graves.

The real Islam is I guess, nowhere else but in heavens.

It is a reality that this is a diabolical age. We are living in an era of people whose sole concern is to indulge in consumption, to satisfy their appetites, and to lead an indolent life; their notion of Hereafter was destroyed, buried under the ground and huge boulders were heaped on it so that it could not be resurrected. Then, it should never be forgotten that the influence we are to make on others is closely related to the shadow we cast on the ground. If we are really upright, so will be our shadow, and our state will have a relevant effect in the hearts of others.

[linkspooky]

THE TOP THREE HEROES ARE ALL FAILURES

In the sense that Enjdeavor, Hawks, and Jeanist all embody the failures of the hero system. The first clear sign that all three people who were set to inherit All Might’s Legacy would fail in doing so, is that none of them really understood what kind of hero was in the first place. 

Endeavor only ever saw All Might’s Strength, and thought All Might’s genuine desire to save people was just him playing to the crowd. Hawks thought Endeavor’s desire to surpass All Might was heroic, and what made him a better hero because he didn’t give up when everybody else said it was hopeless, but we the audience know Endeavor gave up early and took it out on his family instead. Best Jeanist thinks what’s most important of all isn’t saving people but rather “The Image” of Heroes to the public. Except, the only reason All Might was a hero obsessed with image is because he wanted even those he could not reach to be able to live in peace and save themselves. 

The top three heroes are all lacking in what All Might had, in that none of them actually believe that Heroes should save people. Enji believes in strength above all else, Hawks in sacrificing one’s self for the faceless masses, and Best Jeanist in the image of heroes to the public. 

It’s really showing that the option of “Saving Dabi” did not even occur to them once, despite the fact that they are completely willing to give a helping hand to the man who made Dabi.

The current number one, two and three heroes are all obsessed with All Might’s Legacy, however all of them are failures to All Might’s Legacy as well because they don’t understand the underlying ideal of heroes saving people. All three of them represent the failures of hero society, which is why they aren’t shown being overly concerned at hero society’s victims. Even when it’s revealed that one of hero society’s greatest villains Dabi, was actually one of hero society’s greatest victims too, created by one of their own, their beliefs barely change.

1. Enji Todoroki 

Enji was never concerned with saving others being the job of a hero. His one and only focus was just to be the strongest. He even has a shallow view of All Might’s ideals and goals because of this. He thinks the reason that All Might won number one was because 1) his all powerful strength and 2) his popularity with people. 

Enji never once mentions that All Might became the hero he was, because his number one priority in every situation was to save as many people as he could. Because, Enji doesn’t view it as the job of heroes to save others. 

Toshinori worked so hard because he genuinely wanted to be the shining light for others. He didn’t become the number one hero because it was his own personal dream, but rather because it was others needed of him. All Might isn’t a perfect hero either, but there’s still a difference between someone who wanted the number one spot because he genuinely thought it would save the most people, and someone who wanted the number one spot because he wanted to be the strongest.

Even after Endeavor’s supposed revelation where he saw Shoto being gentle with flames, rather than forceful and violence, Enji became the exact same kind of hero he was before. 

Think of the way Enji fought Shigaraki, burning him alive. He made several attempts to kill him during their fight, even though the rule is heroes absolutely must not kill, that’s what makes them different from villains. Heroes prioritize the safety of people, and saving civilians, except for Endeavor apparently. Endeavor as a hero is the exact same kind of hero he was before, and the flaw with that is if he had fought Dabi the same way he had fought Shigaraki.

He would have burned his own son alive. Enji isn’t even concerned in the least with saving people, even when the person most in need of saving is his own son. He sees villains as an absolute evil for him to punch and beat up in order to prove his own strength. The only way Enji knows how to be a hero is violently taking down crime and no one has ever challenged this, even though it’s the exact attitude that led Toya to his death.

Enji, only ever taught Dabi how to turn up the heat, because Enji wasn’t actually that concerned with his son’s well being. Toya was only worth something to him when he was strong, so Enji only ever taught Toya how to be the strongest hero and nothing else that a father should teach his son. Even now, Enji doesn’t let go of this idea of his that he has to be the number one hero, and being the strongest hero will solve all of his problems. 

Endeavor has used playing hero again and again as an excuse to run away. Now that Hawks is giving him another chance to be hero, he’s enabling him to run away again. 

It’s incredible how still even after the reveal, it’s always Toya who has to pay for the consequences of Endeavor’s mistakes. Toya is left alone to burn to death and spends the rest of his life covered in burns forgotten by his father, and it’s Endeavor who gets the unconditional support and love Toya needed as a child offered to him, just because he happened to be a hero. If he was a villain he would have just been locked up.

Endeavor is framed as the hero who does not give up, and yet, he very easily runs away and lets Toya take the blame for the majority of his actions. If Toya had been able to carry his dream he would not have abused Shoto. If Toya had not died that day he would not have doubled down even harder on Shoto. Toya’s the reason they could not come together as a family. It’s never Endeavor’s actions, it’s always, somehow, Toya who is blamed, and Toya who is burned as the consequence of Endeavor’s actions. Now, Toya is the one who needs to be stopped when Enji is just as guilty. 

I’m not saying that Enji should not be given a chance to get better, but why is the good side of Enji’s actions expressed over and over again and not Toya’s? Toya is trying to reform all of society. Toya is trying to hold his dad accountable for abusing him and neglecting him to the point that he died. That’s murder. Someone who lets their children die because they couldn’t be bothered to supervise them can be charged with involuntary manslaughter in a court of law. Enji has killed too, but rather than admit to his own flaws it’s must easier to cast Toya s the villain that needs to be stopped and himself as the hero that needs everyone’s support. 

Toya deserves the same chance that Enji got. 

2. Hawks

Hawks only saw self sacrifice in All Might’s actions. He saw someone harming himself over and over again for the sake of others, and that’s probably why he admired Enji’s pursuit of strength more because it was the opposite of him. 

If Enji is the extreme result of the attitude that villains can’t be saved, only stopped by putting themselves down with violence, then Hawks is the extreme result of self sacrifice. Hawks seems like the ideal hero on paper, he would do anything, and give up any part of himself to save a faceless stranger just like All Might. However, Hawks also has decided that he has the right to sacrifice others as well.

Hawks is self-destructive. That’s the extreme end of self sacrifice. However, unlike All Might who took the burden entirely on himself, Hawks will choose others to sacrifice as well. If Hawks sees himself as a tool for the greater good he will extend that to others as well. If Hawks sees himself as a bad victim who turned his back on their parents, he extends that to others as well. 

So basically, Hawks’ number one problem is with himself. He can’t reconcile his past. He feels guilty for being abused by his parents. He feels guilty for not forgiving the same abusive parents. He puts everything he has into being a hero, and yet, he doesn’t feel like he himself is a hero. Hawks’ only way he knows to feel good about himself is to continuously sacrifice himself for the sake of others. 

Because he learned when he was young the only way to be good was by sacrificing himself to protect others. He only received the help he needs because he showed he was “one of the good victims” but deep down internally he feels like he’s the bad one, for not being able to do anything for his mother, for not reaching out to her. 

Hawks can’t see himself as a victim and it messes with the way he sees other victims as well. He divides them into good and bad, and then tells himself that he’ll offer to help the good ones, the ones willing to improve. Hawks’ represents Hero Society’s own willingness to throw the bad victims to the dogs. 

It’s specifically Hawks who Twice calls this out on. So we have a number one hero who thinks the only way to deal with villains is to violently suppress them, and the number two hero that thinks the only people who deserve to be saved is the ones he deems as “Good” or “Trying to be better.” 

It’s all because Hawks has this really self destructive idea of what kindness is. That kindness is somehow destroying yourself for the sake of others, that it’s being overly forgiving and not holding any resentment at all. 

It’s like how Deku acts like forgiving his father is a kind act. However, at the same time implying that holding onto resentment would be an unkind one.

Even though the reason Natsuo won’t forgive is because Toya is dead, and Enji never showed any apparent remorse for it, and didn’t try to fix anything. Even though one son died because of Enji’s training, and then Enji just decided to train the one remaining son he had left a thousand times harder. Natsuo is attempting to hold his father accountable for his actions, but Deku acts like blanket forgiveness would be the kind thing to do.

Even though Deku himself is willing to overlook all of Enji’s past abuse of Shoto, and his murder of Toya, but at the same time stresses how unforgivable Toya and Shigaraki are. 

Deku just saves people in a self destructive way. He breaks his bones to save others, thus mirroring Hawks who just saves people without genuinely thinking through who needs to be saved. They save people, because that’s the way they hurt themselves to prove how useful they are. However, neither of them actually goes through the trouble of thinking who genuinely needs saving, and that’s why they’re able to carry such a false double standard. Enji needs help because he’s trying to be better, whereas Toya’s not trying to be better. Ignoring the fact that you know, Enji tries to be better by just, forgetting everything he did in the past and sweeping his past actions under the rug, whereas Toya is still suffering from the scars of Enji’s abuse, permanently on his body. 

However, between Twice a person willing to die to protect his friends and act of complete selflessness, and Enji who can’t even bring himself to think that maybe he should try to save the son he let burn to death on a mountain peak which one do you think was trying to be better? Enji who spent ten years, even after Toya had already died to his training, training up Shoto instead even harsher. Enji who referred to Toya as “a failure” and “almost perfect” when talking to Shoto about his death. 

“I’m going to help anyone trying to be better” is just an arbitrary line that Hawks draws.

That’s even the critique that Twice levelled at Hawks. Hawks doesn’t care because he never actually tried to see the good sides of the other people, but Toga was someone who comfotred Twice and understood him. Toga was someone who made the league feel like home. Hawks labels Twice as the only good one, because he just didn’t bother to see what was good about the other villains. Yet, at the same time he strains himself to see the good in Endeavor, to the point where he constantly apologizes for Endeavor’s actions and sweeps them under the rug. Endeavor is a good man who is just misunderstood in Hawks’ eyes, who just went wrong somewhere, but Hawks can’t ever offer up the same sympathy to the worst victims of society. Who lash out and hurt other people in the same way that Endeavor did, except Endeavor’s is excusable and there’s isn’t because...??? 

 Hawks is in denial, because he refuses to look at the good sides of the villains. Twice didn’t choose to accept his offer of help, so obviously he didn’t want to be better, therefore Hawks is perfectly justified in putting him down. Notice though how Hawks mentioned prison time for Jin, but not for Enji (neglecting a child to the point where they burn to death is... still a crime). 

Hawks is still in denial about himself. He thinks he’s offering people a helping hand. However, from Jin’s perspective we see how manipulative he is. Hawks didn’t offer Jin a hand, he held him at gunpoint and told him to surrender and betray his friends. Hawks is just lying to himself, because he didn’t go out of his way to save Jin, he ruthlessly manipulated him, and then betrayed him. He’s not framed as a hero trying desperately to save a villain, but rather a friend betraying another friend who trusted him. Because, Hawks does not just sacrifice himself. He’s the extreme result of self sacrifice. Self sacrifice turns into self destruction. Self denial. Hawks sacrifices other people. He forces himself to dirty his hands, because he believes this is the only way he can be a hero. He’s too weak individually, so he has to manipulate, pull strings, and even kill in order to achieve the results he thinks will save the most people. However, by doing that he ignores the suffering of the victims right in front of them.

Not only that, but he ignores what contradicts his simple black and white narrative. Enji was trying to be better so he deserves help and support, Twice didn’t want to be better so Hawks revoked his offer of support away. 

He’s willing to give support to a man who abused his family for no good reason, and who continues to evade any consequences or legal punishment for his actions, but then insists that Jin who was pushed to his actions by poverty and not wanting to starve to death just did not want to be better. He’s like, so unaware of what the problem actually is with society, he can’t possibly think why Enji leaving his own son to burn to death might have left his son a bit miffed. Enji is just a person who made a few missteps along the way but genuinely wants to be good, Dabi is just a selfish person who doesn’t want to be better, so says Hawks. 

Nevermind how hard Toya tried to be a hero, and how he never gave up on earning his father’s love. Nevermind how hard Twice tried to be helpful to other, and how much he loved the people around him he was willing to sacrifice his life. Twice’s last action was to save his two closest friends. Enji’s actions are always just to beat up villains to prove how strong he is. Enji is never concerned with anyone. Hawks does want to save people, but he never thinks about the people who need to be saved.

Therefore, heroes are always good. Even when heroes do bad things, Hawks contrives some way to not hold them responsible for it ever. Well, Enji isn’t like that now. Well, we don’t need to announce that Enji was an abuser, because that will just upset the public. 

The actions of Enji are apologized for over and over again. Because rather than holding him accountable for his actions. Instead of pushing him to actually fix his mistakes, it’s better to keep sweeping the problem under the rug. Because, as is repeated again and again heroes don’t save people. When a hero fails to save someone, rather than trying to fix that mistake it’s easier to blame the person who didn’t get saved. 

Even if it was your own son that you left to burn to death. That is somehow miraculously alive.  That has given you a second chance to save the person you should have saved that day by just, showing up, and actually acting like a father for once. 

Enji will just choose his job over and over again. Because heroes don’t actually have a responsibility to save people. Being hero is just a job. Enji, Hawks, Jeanist they consider it a profession, not a responsibility. Which is why all three of them are willing to blame Dabi for his own actions, but not Endeavor for his. Which, just proves Dabi right. 

Heroes aren’t actually concerned with saving people. Heroes don’t think about who is most in need of saving, and who the real victims are. Heroes just protect their own. 

Enji, Hawks and Dabi are all murderers. They have all killed someone in pursuit of their goal. Not only did Enji murder a child by neglect, he also tried to kill Shigaraki several times over, and even tried to murder Pop Step in vigilantes. Hawks killed Twice in pursuit of a goal. 

However, Hawks and Enji need to be supported, whereas Toya needs to be stopped. Because they are heroes, and Dabi is a villain. But sure, watch Dabi continually burn his own body over and over again and push himself to the very limit so he can achieve a society where another hero will never get away with abusing his family like Enji did his, and say that he doesn’t want to be good. Watch Toya burn himself over and over again as a child just trying to be a hero because he thinks it’s the only way to earn his father’s love, because he genuinely looked up to his father and wanted to be just like him, and insist that Toya just stopped trying to be better, that he was just a jealous child, that he was never good. 

Jeanist isn’t a fully developed character so I’m not going to talk about him as much, but he represents the attitude that heroes “only pretend to save people” because they fuss ove image, rather than doing the actual work of helping victims.

The thing is someone who is genuinely trying to be better would listen to Dabi’s words, to Shigaraki’s words. However, Jeanist, Hawks, Enji all think of themselves as the hero, therefore they assume they are good and that their actions are good. 

Whenever someone contradicts this, they just flat out ignore any criticism. Heroes don’t save people. Heroes just protect their own image as heroes, because they assume that’s what is necessary for peace. Even now, Hawks and Jeanist aren’t focused on the innocent people suffering from the victim break outs, but rather taking down the man out to ruin their reputations. 

They pretend to see those they haven’t protected. Even when that person is Endeavor’s own son, his pain gets swept under the rug, because the image of Endeavor as a shining hero is far more important than the responsibility he has to help his own son, that’s in pain and need to saving. 

[crimeronan]

Can you explain the appeal of Julian Blackthorn? This is a genuine question because I read the books and came away utterly bored by him and unconvinced of his moral greyness as opposed to like, Adam Parrish’s. He seemed so one dimensional to me but I want to know if I’m Wrong TM considering I tend to be very very biased toward my favourite characters and bored by the rest, and my favourites were Mark and Kieran. So maybe I just didn’t pay him enough attention??

it’s been a while since i wrote any earnest tsc meta but cringe culture is dead and the chance to infodump about my julian thoughts has me vibrating where i’m sitting so.  yes okay.

technical stuff

(aka: things pertaining to How The Story Is Constructed)

cassandra clare’s characterization has become much stronger just in general since she first began writing the series like twenty years ago

perhaps most importantly: the more recent stuff i’ve read from her has involved characters who actually grow, change, and learn from their past mistakes 

rather than repeating the same stupid decisions over and over again

and over and over and over some more

seriously take a shot every time someone in tmi miscommunicates or self-destructs in ways They Have Learned Not To Do for no real reason. u will die of alcohol poisoning

in tda this shines ESPECIALLY with the evolution of mark, kieran, and cristina’s relationship, but that’s a separate post

clare’s trademark is also the angsty traumatized jerkass love interest with a secret heart of gold

the woman is almost singlehandedly responsible for draco in leather pants and the proliferation of this kind of character type in fandom and teen lit. this isn’t a criticism it’s me marveling at how if you commit hard enough to a single trope you truly can change the world.  follow your dreams

sad jackass with a heart of gold isn’t an Inherently Problematic Character Type

but poorly done it can lead to relationship dynamics in which one partner is constantly being hurt by and then forgiving the other despite them making no real effort to change, because they are narratively absolved due to being sad

(there’s a lot of this with earlier jace content.  in some ways i think will was later created specifically to be a same-archetype protagonist who actually does get called on his shit and grow. that’s also another post)

also if all of your sexy male love interests are tortured jackasses with a heart of gold then people start calling you a one-trick pony

enter julian blackthorn!

from the very start everything about him is designed to be the INVERSE of the heart of gold jackass.  which immediately makes him interesting just from a meta perspective

(mark and kieran are also both alternate angles on this time-honored archetype.  mark gets the heart of gold and kieran gets the jackass and then they’re both much more deeply messy than that.  yet another post)

julian is kind, self-sacrificing, empathetic, artistic, emotionally supportive, responsible, and favored by old grannies everywhere

so a completely nonthreatening milquetoast guy, right

immediately forgettable if you’re only here for the dramatic conflicts and shithead antics of clare’s other protags

except that he is A Mess

and that he has structured his priorities very carefully, and they are as selfless as you expect from The Hero (TM) but they are also Not Heroic (TM) and they do not align with the moral framework The Hero (TM) is supposed to use

moral ambiguity in characters always exists in relation to their narratives imo. you mention adam parrish - trc’s narrative already mucks around in different ethical shades of gray, and adam falls on the canon scale about where julian does on his canon scale.  both more willing than the average pov character to do the ruthless thing or make the fucked-up choice if the ends justify the means; both with an intensely strong sense of internal priorities that they adhere to at all costs, both so unbelievably fucking down for murder; etc

i do think there are ways julian’s choices could have been pushed even further, but considering the number of readers who hate his guts already, i can see why clare opted not to go for the most controversial possible conflicts

so we’re flipping the narrative

instead of seeing this angsty bad boy and peeling back the layers of his trauma to find his heart of gold, we’re seeing the put-together selfless family man and peeling back the layers of his Responsibility Mask to expose the rotting husk underneath

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

THAT IS FUN AS FUCK

then when julian DOES lash out in hurtful, uncontrolled ways, he has significantly more narrative justification for it than most of clare’s protagonists (will elaborate in characterization thoughts)

julian is also interesting as fuck because of how his struggles allow for a more in-depth look at the failings of shadowhunter society, something that’s also sorely lacking in clare’s earlier work

his apparent amorality is simply the result of him making pragmatic and impossible choices because he has been faced with fucked-up ethical dilemmas since age 12 Because Society Has Failed Him

which opens the door for narrative exploration of how and why he’s been failed so badly & what needs to change

i also love that he has such a coldly calculated way of analyzing situations and allowing harm to occur when need be, bc a lot of clare’s early protagonists have such a bad case of Rush In And Get Myself Killed Because I’ve Got Feelings About Impulsive Heroism syndrome that i wanna push them in front of a truck

probably there’s other meta narrative stuff i could say but i’m stopping myself and moving on to character analysis

characterization stuff

(aka: reasons why i’m also attached to him in a vacuum)

i don’t read him as one-dimensional at all tbh

u may feel the narrative pushes “ruthless julian blackthorn” too much without delivering enough actual ruthless julian But i don’t think that’s the same as having only one dimension

from the get-go, the big question centered on julian is always “how far are you willing to go?” and the narrative pushes the stakes slowly higher and higher to continuously test julian’s “the price is always justified” mindset

he has a far more layered and realistic response to trauma than clare’s early protagonists - trauma affects every single aspect of his personality and how he conducts himself, and the effects vary depending on the circumstances

his conviction that he has to be the perfect parent to his siblings because they will fall apart if they see him show weakness??  rooted in how he feels like he’s fallen apart since losing the stable adult support he once relied upon

his willingness to hurt semi-innocent people, commit coldblooded murder, manipulate people using political leverage, allow harm to befall any stranger if it protects his family??  rooted in how he has already had to ask himself how much he’s willing to sacrifice, and how his family is his only source of stability when the world has never done Shit for him

his conviction that he has a darker heart than anyone else because he killed his possessed father, even though intellectually he knows he was saving his brother’s life??  rooted in having no means of processing this trauma and being unable to voice his feelings for fear of backlash from a deeply non-understanding society

the way he represses every single negative emotion he ever has, to the point where emma - his actual literal magic soulmate who can feel his emotions - is startled to find him hurting or angry??  once again all about how he has to be the perfect father or he’s failed completely

the way his anger is so totally disproportionate to different situations and the way his negative emotions can only come out in completely uncontrolled breaks??  all that repression baybey.  this kid has not processed a single bad feeling in five years.  every single real grievance and petty annoyance has been festering indefinitely inside him like a slowly spreading infection

julian’s arc involves him needing to get thru being his worst self to actually start to heal

as in, he has to actually learn to acknowledge his feelings, take care of himself, lean on his family, and let other people take some responsibility

he also has to learn that in his quest to be the perfect emotionally controlled authority figure, he has not actually learned how to control or deal with his emotions. like. At Fucking All. good god

the narrative setup is also about asking “how far are you willing to go?” until the answer is finally “not this far.  not this far”

and once he reaches that point, he has to reevaluate everything about how he weighs his priorities and morals and plans, etc

(i also like that emma has a perpendicular arc in which she’s always the one tempering julian and telling him “no we can’t go that far” until she’s willing to do something horrific that he absolutely won’t and HE has to stop HER. very sexy)

it’s also just really nice to have a character who’s learned to relate so well to literally every single member of his family while still having a very detached ruthless interior consciousness. i have similar feelings about how adam teaches himself to love people, but with julian it’s spelled out more explicitly in canon & it’s a more central character theme

i’m sure i’m also forgetting stuff here but this post is long enough so i’m gonna say good enough

and like i said in the tags on my other post, there are things i’d personally write differently if it were my story - plot points i’d shift, character contrasts i’d up, themes i’d explore differently, pacing i’d adjust, etc.  i have plenty of ways i could be nitpicky and editorial about the effectiveness of julian’s arc.  but i also don’t feel like writing them out at the moment & none of my critiques on effectiveness have an impact on the core appeal of his character 2 me.  he’s so fucking good

[gffa]

what bothers me about davegate is that qui-gon would NOT have been better for anakin than his other caretakers (shmi aside). the problem with anakin is that his upbringing has caused him trauma that the jedi are fundamentally unequipped to understand because he's a unique case among them. the other initiates are recruited before such damage can occur. the whole tragedy of anakin is that his loved ones's good intentions only go so far. he needed a therapist, not a father

Hi!  I go back and forth on this--sometimes I think the way you do, that the Jedi just have had so little experience with trauma (and that’s not their fault!) that they didn’t really have the tools for this. But a lot of the time I think there’s a pretty compelling case to be made that they did have at least some tools to help Anakin, but here’s the thing about therapy: You have to want it to work for it to work.  You have to be willing to accept it and apply it to your life and do the hard work of looking at yourself honestly.  As someone who has real life experience with someone we tried for years and years to get them into therapy and it did nothing because they didn’t want to admit that anything was their fault?  Yeah, I know first hand that that is something that happens sometimes. And the other things is--Jedi teachings and practices are analogous to a type of therapy, specifically one that helps with anxiety and PTSD:  “The Jedi also value mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion, all of which have been shown to help people with various psychological disorders, such as anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic pain, substance addictions, and other disorders.“  That sounds a lot like exactly what Anakin needed. Further, here’s what George Lucas says about Anakin and Jedi practices:  “The fact that everything must change and that things come and go through his life and that he can’t hold onto things, which is a basic Jedi philosophy that he isn’t willing to accept emotionally [...]” --George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary Anakin isn’t a bad person, he genuinely tries, but the problem is that he often tries in the wrong directions, that he doesn’t really want to do the hard, scary work of looking within himself and letting go of things, including his feelings.  They make him special, after all.  And I’ve made the argument--and Soule has basically confirmed this was the authorial intention--that Dark Lord of the Sith is basically a 25 issue long series about Anakin Skywalker being unable to admit what he did and being too scared to really look at himself and the choices he had. Anakin had support and I genuinely think, without Palpatine there to tempt him off the path, he had such a good heart once upon a time that he would have made it to finding that sense of self-understanding, self-mastery, and balance within himself.  But the lure of Palpatine telling him he was right to hold onto all his anger and frustration, that he was special for it, was too great for him, because it’s what Anakin wanted to hear, rather than the hard, hard work of actually committing to therapy and the slow crawl towards progress that really doesn’t feel good along the way.

[marisandini-chu-blog]

BRUCE WAYNE NEEDS MORE FRIENDS!!!

Okay... IDEAAAAA!!!

So... I’ve been binging batman and batfam fics and posts because I would die for them (but who doesn’t?) and it suddenly occurred to me that our favorite emotionally constipated person Bruce Wayne... doesn’t have a lot of friend.

Specifically, he doesn’t have a lot of civilian friend.

The only person I know I’m aware he’s closely acquainted was Harvey Dent and... well... you guys know what happened.

So yeah it made me crave to give this walking trauma of a man for some friend that actually has common sense other than Alfred and would willingly interact seemingly among the Batfam.

Kiran Devabhaktuni is one example of a marvelous OC by audreycritter (@agent-skulldrey) that I wish was canon because good God that family needs more than doctor than just Leslie and puts up none of Batman’s shits and is like a brother to Bruce. Gosh dammit I can’t get enough of him! If you don’t know him, check out Cor Et Cerebrum. Beautiful fic.

But come on, can’t Bruce have more friends in his life that’s not in one part of his life!!! C’mon DC!!! Give us some good stuff!!!

Alas, as I lament about this unfortunate circumstances, I decided to make him a friend and share it with you guys.

I’m gonna be upfront and say the OC I had in mind is just a copy-paste of Erin Gruwell with a twist. If you don’t know, go watch, read, or simply google Freedom Writers because I cried the whole day because of them.10/10 totally recommend because good God, there’s nothing more inspiring than children in bad situation manage to reinvent themselves to be better than what society believes them to be.. Which makes me think... what if there’s a Gotham!FreedomWriters and my mind began to race of this idea. 

The OC basically has similar background with Erin Gruwell, from the good part of Gotham or Bristol, who only ever been outside looking in at the criminal-ridden city. Faced with kids with difficult home life, traumatized, practically homeless, believing they live a life of war because they need to be affiliated with a gang to survive. She then learned about the wrong preconception she has on these troubles kids and decided to help them by teaching them tolerance, compassion, and understanding through writing and assigning books they could empathize and IT WORKS!!!

How does Bruce Wayne comes into this? 

Well... in the book, it was told Erin work together with a millionaire who offered a lot of charity that helps and support these kids and Erin’s teaching plan. Such as giving them computers to write a book, funding a field trip that helps them meet the Holocaust survivors, even offering these kids work and scholarships once they graduate. Someone that some of the kids of the class admits that they see him as a father figure because the ones they had were shitty. 

See where am I going with this? 

If you say, more Robins, no! Absolutely not. Bruce isn’t adopting any of them. I’m aware Bruce has a problem but NO! 

So here’s how I imagine their meeting would be. 

OC works part-time in a hotel belong to Bruce because the school was being stingy in borrowing out books for the “Special” class that admits kids with records or from low-income family as part of a charity program or something. So OC has to work to buy her class new and relevant books that would interest her students.

There was a gala, she was a waitress, and for some reason or another she meets Bruce and they start talking. What did they talk about? I have no idea. This is still the concept phase guys. I don’t know everything from about my own brainchild.  

Now, I know that sounds like meet-cute first meeting, but I want to emphasize the fact I want them to be BEST FRIENDS!  It’s possible they might have a relationship in the distant future but if they were, it would be base on the fact they were best friends first and foremost! Which make their bond that strong. 

Not to mention that OC is an English teacher so imagine if Jason Todd-Wayne, English nerd Robin extraordinaire, be in her class among all the other kids from the worst part of Gotham. Jason would be the OC’s pet teacher and OC would be Jason’s favorite teacher ( but to be fair, in this scenario, she’s everyone’s fav teach). Jason love her so much ,he wanted to be an English Teacher that can help people like OC. And Jason would actually have civilians friends he could relate and rely on instead of being an outcast among other rich friends.  

So when parent-teacher conference was underway. All the other parents didn’t come because they’re either shitty or too busy earning money to live. Imagine Bruce being the only parent arriving to find the waitress from his hotel. And because Bruce is Batman and Batman is curious as the deepest depth of hell itself, he might be curious of why a teacher from one of the most well-paid school would overwork with a double job. Especially when Bruce-secretly-a-helicopter-parent-Wayne notice the body-tells OC made when she lied about the reason when asked. 

So of course he checks, this is his son’s teacher, he needs to know there’s nothing sinister going on. 

Which led to him finding out about the fresh books that wasn’t assigned by the school, which led to him supporting her endeavor without her overworking herself because apparently she has THREE jobs just to support her one job as a teacher. Which made Bruce thinks “WTF, and I thought I’m a workaholic.”

Anyway, when the two work together they shared a deep understanding of trying to make Gotham a better place. They’re both from the good part of Gotham or Bristol  who has limited understanding about living a life in actual Gotham, just knowing that it’s a bad place. Both want to better the place, Bruce through charities and OC through her teachings. Both saw there’s hope and second chances for people of Gotham and willing to fight for it in their own way without giving up. As well as their effort to help helpless children.  

Bruce later admired greatly and respect OC because Bruce has help people both as a Wayne and as Batman, but the same as her class, Bruce finds hope in her method that by teaching compassion and tolerance, people (especially children) can change to be a better persons and live a better life. That life in Gotham isn’t one way ticket to hopelessness because of where you’re born. Not only that, but for OC to persist being kind and compassiom despite reading and seeing the cruelty Gotham has to offer.

I imagine Bruce showed his Brucie Wayne persona at first, but grew more and more lax as time passed. They both love Jason so they would bond from talking about him and Bruce might actually have a friend he can ask advice in regards to parenting. With Bruce being "Urgh, kids, you know?" And she's like, "Oh please, tell me more of your one troubled kid with my 150 one."

OC also becomes comfortable to talk about her grief of her dead mother, the divorce she recently settled, and just hangs out with Bruce. The struggle to not be jaded by the things she reads her students had to suffer. Because OC isn't only kind by nature, but she's kind by choice.

Now, in Freedom Writers the class was assigned to write a diary everyday. Including Jason. Imagine if you will, when Jason died. OC gave Bruce Jason’s diary for his birthday, and stayed. Imagine Bruce having someone to share their grief with someone who understands other than Alfred. Imagine the Freedom Writers gave a tribute to Jason on their graduation because they love him and know he would have been valedictorian had he been alive and Bruce cried for the first time since he held Jason’s dead body. 

I have other ideas relating to OC but it’s more Jason’s perspective. Let me know if you want to read more of what I have in mind because I’ve word vomit enough. 

[mecomptane]

Blew up my old laptop so I’m trying to recover things from it. (Okay, a slight exaggeration. Maybe.) Apparently I decided to write Star Wars fic at some point? It’s here for posterity, definitely no beta, can’t guarantee the quality. So, the usual. (Pretty sure this was also a 3am sort of thing.)

-

Yoda has been Grand Master of the Jedi Order for going on five centuries, alive for nearly nine, and still, sometimes, feels like he's barely one.

It's few and far between, admittedly--history doesn't exactly repeat, no, but the motivations of sapient beings don't particularly change, and once you understand why people make the choices they do, then you can generally guess what any person or group might do in response. It's not flawless and has failed him before, but between lived experience, his strength in the Force, and the Republic having little changed, overall, he's usually right. Or at least, unsurprised.

The Councilors call him unflappable, the Masters and Knights steadfast, and the Padawans and Initiates whisper that he is Ancient and Omniscient.

Yoda, mostly, calls himself tired.

This is a song and dance he knows well, has all but memorized the steps to. Padawans become Knights become Masters and find an Initiate to teach and mentor and raise, the closest they will ever be to children of blood being children of their hearts. Years--in some cases, a decade or more--will weave the two into a knot of compassion and knowledge and reliance (but never attachment), and with the Trials the Master shears their Padawan's braid and the Padawan shears the rope that had once bound them so tightly, and the two walk away, together but inherently separate, to live their lives as sole individuals connected only by the gossamer web and weave of the Force, as all living things do.

Countless have come and gone, all with slightly different steps or rhythms. Not all have been successful. Jedi walk in the light and dream of the sun, but shadowy corners and secrets in darkness are tempting, too intriguing to pass up the chance to investigate. Rare are those who give in; rarer still are those who find their way back. But it does happen, as much as they might wish it otherwise.

Yoda has seen all of them in nearly a millennia, can trace the pattern and knows the steps of that dance, too. Not that of true Sith, no, but the path to becoming a Darksider is identical to that of a Jedi with only a few steps reversed, repeated, skipped over. Once the first misstep occurs, it takes barely any thought to see where and how the dance might change. Will they weave back and forth, between light and darkness? Will they flit into the shadows briefly and find it not to their taste, thereafter choosing only the path strung with the lanterns of faith? Will they stumble into the shadows once, twice, again and again, until the light itself hurts their eyes and they cannot see save anywhere but darkness?

One step, two, a few more--that's all it takes, now, for Yoda to know. He's been wrong, true, but those times were more that he'd given into hope. Hope that they'd find their way into the light, that their dance would one day realign with that of the rest of the Jedi.

So as Yoda sits among the Council, the dimming light of Coruscant's pale setting sun struggling in through the windows, he is thrown. Surprised. Confused.

"I will take him as my Padawan," Qui-Gon Jinn says, hands resting reassuringly on the shoulders of a supernova given form. So bright, so powerful, spilling everywhere with little control, care, or concern. Yoda can barely look.

Behind the duo stands a white dwarf of the Force, the light and warmth turned inward and controlled, peaceful but puissant and exactly like a Jedi should be, but.

But.

"Obi-Wan? He is ready for his Trials."

"Decide that, the Council shall."

In a room of so much light, where the brightest and most powerful Jedi in the galaxy sit in state, there is an undercurrent of shadows. A slight dimming in the corners, a hint of something obscuring the warmth and nurturing rays.

Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Anakin Skywalker.

Yoda looks between them and the Council, and wonders.

-

When he was younger, Yoda delighted in his Padawan learners. That he lived so much longer than any other species or race was a detriment to others, but it allowed him to have generations of Padawans and their Padawans, Grandpadawans and Greatgrandpadawans. Each of his students had siblings, younger or older; each had nieces and nephews; all had someone to fall back on, to speak with, to rely on. To be family with.

Attachment was not the Jedi way, but compassion and selfless love was. All of his students--and their students, so on and so forth--understood that, embraced that.

Eventually he became the Grand Master and became so busy with duties he could not devote the time to another Padawan, to his Lineage as he once did. They understood, relied more on each other, and while some came to him with questions or concerns it was a rarity. And then--somewhere along the lines--it stopped happening altogether. A Lineage was called after the oldest surviving member, but when there were gaps of three, four, ten generations... did one really still count as part of that Lineage? But that was fine, as it should be; the Force is Life and Life is forever changing, growing, renewing. Yoda had learnt at the side of a Master long gone but fondly remembered, now part of the Force; his students, too, memories and trinkets, memorabilia tucked carefully away in a chest in his room, never opened but a reminder nonetheless.

The desire to teach Dooku had been unexpected, unanticipated, almost unappreciated. It had been years since he last had a Padawan learner of his own... but why not? He'd long since turned over immediate day-to-day responsibilities to an aide, now the Master of the Order, and aside from popping in to teach classes or spend time in the creche, he had ample time for a personal student again.

Of course, the way that had turned out... but Dooku's own Padawan, Qui-Gon, had been bright and sensitive to the ways and wills of the Force, and always willing to help another Padawan, always willing to lend an ear or support. Maybe Dooku hadn't turned out as Yoda had hoped, but surely Qui-Gon would be better.

And he was, with Feemor. Maybe not the most in-touch Master, preferring books or research or his plants and animals and following the eddies of the Force invisible to most others, but he cared. He wanted Feemor to succeed, to thrive, as did Yoda. And Feemor did, passing his Trials with little difficulty and much grace; a Jedi Knight to be, surely, proud of.

Xanatos, however....

He'd deserved to be repudiated, true. Yoda had even cautioned Qui-Gon about his second Padawan, having seen the steps and the missteps and the constant swaying between light and dark. A Shadow, he'd suggested. Cautioned. Xanatos could not walk in the light, not like Feemor, but enough light he had in him to walk in both, to be a Shadow of their Order. Qui-Gon hadn't listened, still too proud, too arrogant, after Feemor.

In the end, Xanatos became a Darksider. Qui-Gon, as custom and duty and common sense demanded, repudiated him. But not just him, no, for if he'd gone so wrong with Xanatos, surely Feemor, too, was secretly not what he appeared to be? And so Feemor had suffered for his younger brother's choices, for Qui-Gon's pride and lack of attention to detail, for his desperation to not stain or blemish the Lineage of the Grand Master.

Two students, one Jedi Knight, one Darksider. Two repudiations, one earned, one not.

Qui-Gon had sworn off all further students, had nearly been convinced to take another, had rejected them in the end. The Force had brought them back together, and Qui-Gon could not ignore such a sign, but--

Obi-Wan is quiet in the Force. As a child he'd been as a river, calmly flowing one minute and the tempestuousness of white water the next, but always moving, always steady. As a babe... Yoda remembers the young human, presumed Stewjoni, being brought into the Hall of Healing for the first time, so young and already so part of the Force it had nearly wrapped around him. Not a vergence, not power, but a pin in an ever-changing tapestry, a marble dropped into the center of a taught sheet, a boulder in the middle of the river he'd become part of.

Chaos in the midst of calm, or the calm waters of the eye of a storm?

Obi-Wan learnt the steps of those around him, learnt to dance between light and darkness with Quinlan Vos and somewhere along the lines chose to remain in the light. But these were not his steps, Yoda could see. They were the steps of the Masters, the Knights, the Padawans, even other Initiates; they were what should be, what Kenobi himself clearly wanted to do, to be, but were copied from others, a reflection of truth and not what actually was.

The only times Yoda could remember Obi-Wan stepping out on his own, trying to make his own dance--Melida/Daan. Mandalore. Qui-Gon had either left him alone or with minimal guidance, and without the framework of the Order to guide him, Obi-Wan had fallen back on what he believed to be right, to be the will of the Force. Protect the Young. Protect the Duchess. Stop a war. (Even if it meant fighting.)

Obi-Wan wouldn't be happy strictly as a Peacekeeper, no. He had the knack for it, a skill with words and negotiations that most Masters could only wish for, but the boy's heart--his desire--was to defend and protect that which was Good.

And now, here. Naboo.

Qui-Gon's body lays in repose in the next room, waiting for the sunset and the pyre. Obi-Wan kneels before him, a Knight in a Padawan's garb, and while he never fails to make eye contact, there's a careful guard to it.

Peacekeepers do not kill, after all. Jedi are Peacekeepers; ergo, for all that he's tried to emulate them, Obi-Wan Kenobi is not a Peacekeeper. Not a Jedi.

He's a protector, and Yoda can see him realizing this even as he kneels and Yoda paces, otherwise in perfect silence.

Protectors need things to protect, things to cherish, attachments. How do you value something enough to protect it while maintaining a necessary distance? Even the Sentinels, guards as they are, keep their distance from their charges, no matter how many Younglings jump around and climb them and offer them sweets and pies.

"...even if I must leave the Order, I will train the boy."

And there is both the problem and the solution. Qui-Gon did a disservice to his student, leaving him to find his way alone. Even now, in death, Qui-Gon cannot complete the ritual to break their bond, to cut their ties so Obi-Wan may move forward alone. Yet it's clear that between the Council chamber and the reactor, the bond between them had already begun to unravel. Now what ritual there might be--it wouldn't have mattered, anyway. A sham, a farce, to be done with, if it would even happen at all.

Not that they didn't care about each other--no, he'd seen enough of them together to know that they did, but it was the care between two Knights or two Masters, not teacher-and-student, not father-and-son. Removed, careful, expecting and understanding that each could exist without the other ever in their lives again, but grateful for this brief opportunity to spend time beside each other.

So maybe Qui-Gon was right, in the end: maybe Obi-Wan had been ready for his Trials, having been acting the part of Knight already. No Trials now, Darth Maul's death is more than enough to count, and no ritual Knighting. Just the burning of a body... and the decision of a Knight to train a boy he barely knows.

A boy for the first time away from family and friends and familiarity, a boy... much like Obi-Wan once was, if only Yoda had paid more attention. A boy that, like Obi-Wan, will need to find his own path through life, his own steps through light and dark that might--will--be different from any Yoda has seen before.

A boy that, for right now, needs less guidance and more care. More compassion. More... protection.

It goes against the teachings of the Jedi, to encourage attachments. But Yoda looks at Obi-Wan, feels out for the boy on the other side of the door keeping vigil over his once would-be Master's body, and knows the will of the Force, too.

"Train the boy, you shall," he decrees, and blames the rest of the Council. "A Knight, you are."

Obi-Wan bows his head, like he'd expected nothing less, like he's grateful they're in accord and he won't have to fight for it.

And like he'd never expected a Knighting, a ritual, a ceremony.

Yoda watches him quietly enter the next room, kneel down beside Anakin Skywalker and join the silent vigil. Sees Anakin lean into him, just slightly. Sees Obi-Wan pause, then wrap one arm loosely around small shoulders.

No, he decides, turning his back on what's left of his Lineage. They'll make new dances, a new path, and he won't recognize a single step of it.

And he feels the slightest hint of relief.

[tiaragqueen]

Kinda embarrassing since I don't usually ask for anything but I just noticed that you also wrote for Naruto and I really really want to see some stuff with Kushina. Please? By the way your stuff is great! Thanks for all the hard work!

Hell Hath no Fury Like a Woman Scorned

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Modern AU! Kushina Uzumaki x Gender Neutral! Reader

✂ Word Count: 1k+

✂ Trigger Warnings: Manipulation, possessiveness, implied stalking, slight violence

[Edited]

***

Oh, please don’t be embarrassed! I’m happy to receive your request!

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

“I check my phone to see your face staring back as if to say, ‘Don't worry, you won't be lonely’. Why won't you love me?” - Why Won’t You Love Me [5 Seconds of Summer]

You still hadn’t replied to her texts.

The last response was an hour ago after Kushina blew up your phone with missed calls, and then you left her messages unread. Knowing you, you’d probably turned off your phone.

The audacity you had…! Didn’t you know just how worried she was?! It was almost nine PM and you still hadn’t come back yet. Where could you have gone until you forgot about her who had been patiently waiting at home?

Did she even mean something to you?

She thought that you’d gotten closer after she regularly vented to you because it was supposed to be a natural conclusion, right? There was no way she’d tell you about her past and problems if she wanted to be distant with you.

But, apparently, she was mistaken.

Clearly, you still considered her as nothing more than a ‘roommate’. A particularly fussy roommate whose actions bordering on motherly instead of girlfriend-like. Maybe that was why your opinion hadn’t changed a bit? Kushina admitted that she’d been scolding you more than a lover – or any other sane person, really, but she didn’t want to know that – should do.

In that case, she should change her tactics soon.

But first, she needed to find the cause of your lateness. Maybe something had happened to you without her knowing, and you couldn’t reach her in time.

Kushina shuddered at the thought as she hastily wore her dark green jacket from the hanger. No, as long as she existed, she wouldn’t let anything harmed you. And if you did get hurt, as painful as it was to imagine it, then all the more reason for her to take care of you more thoroughly.

You wouldn’t be able to complain much if that happened, because nobody could nurture you as she did.

But Kushina hoped it didn’t truly occur. Your defiance might annoy her, however, she wasn’t the type to wish for something bad to befall someone.

Only you, though. Other people weren’t her business, as far as she was concerned.

Pacing down the sidewalk, Kushina blew warm air to her cold hands and stuffed them into the pockets. Did you even wear a jacket earlier? You should’ve known that winter was approaching. Kushina couldn’t afford to see you cooped up inside your room all day, sneezing and shivering from fever. It’d break her heart to witness such vulnerability from you.

Honestly, how would you do without her? You might’ve lived in misery by now. You should be grateful that she was willing to fuss over you; a herculean task once she realized just how stubborn you were. Granted, you were an adult, but it was obvious that you needed someone beside you.

And who else was the perfect candidate for that if not her?

But, once again, she was mistaken.

Kushina halted in her tracks when she caught you walking a few meters away before her. Another woman stood beside you, nodding and giggling to whatever funny thing you just said. You looked so happy, too, perhaps the happiest she’d ever seen from you. You regarded the woman with such a warm gaze it almost burned Kushina’s chest as you stroked her hair affectionately. In response, the woman subtly leaned closer to your touch and beamed up to you.

It was truly the image of a happy couple. The kind of moment Kushina had been yearning to have with you.

Kushina slowly clenched her hands, violet eyes fixated on your retreating backs. You… you never touched her like that. You never stroked her hair, or smile to her so sincerely. You were always trying to keep your distance with her despite her repeated attempts to sit or stand close to you. You never joked or laughed around her.

You never did anything she wanted you to.

Maybe your hatred towards her motherly approach was deeper than she thought, and in return, you sought comfort from another woman. That was the only conclusion she could gather because there was just no way you liked that nuisance, right? Not when you already had Kushina by your side. That woman was probably your friend or something.

Regardless, nobody couldn’t act lovey-dovey towards you without a consequence.

Of course, you weren’t off the hook, either. But, for now, she needed to get rid of the pest first.

Slinking into one of the alleyways, Kushina watched you kissed the woman’s forehead and waved to her. Good, you were finally going back home. You’d probably wonder why Kushina wasn’t there to greet you, but she could do that later. At least, she already cooked dinner for you.

Once you fully disappeared from the view, Kushina slipped out from the darkness and skulked towards the woman as fast as she could.

The latter was painfully oblivious to the danger that lurked closer to her, sighing and smiling at the direction you went to. It wasn’t until someone grabbed her hair and dragged her to the alleyway did she finally realize that she wasn’t as safe as she’d once thought.

“Hello~! I saw that you had a lot of fun going out with [Name], yes? Well, how about we have some fun too?” a strange woman cooed, her red hair slowly raised like diabolical snakes against the shadow. The woman would’ve laughed her off had her other hand didn’t try to strangle her. “I’ll teach you to never touch my beloved again, and you’ll listen to me. If you value your life, nod.”

The poor woman had never seen a female so intimidating, so reeked of bloodlust it was almost palpable. Who was she? And how did she know that she hung out with you?

Had she been stalking them? It was impossible. The woman didn’t feel anyone watching them, and you didn’t seem uncomfortable, either.

Regardless, Kushina gave her no time to think further as she tightened her grasp around her neck, forcing the woman to nod fearfully.

Kushina's sinister smile widened into a grin. “Good girl~”

[tobeornottotc]

A Chance To Love Episode 3- Positives/Character Dynamics

So I’ve seen and heard comments about episode 3 being a ‘recap’ again and at first I was annoyed, and wanted to whine but I watched the episode and I absolutely loved it? And it makes me sad that if we never had known about season 1 or TINCAN before this, this episode would be highly loved and praised. Especially with all those who are out for Mame’s downfall (which I think is just urgh if you don’t like the show don’t watch it). Anyway I am here to say that this episode has made me so excited all over again for this show (we still need to cut out Ae’s storyline because he’s just crying and crying and I get it but it’s reaching the limit now)

I am slowly deciding if I’ll start analysing and writing posts about the show’s depth/dynamics of the characters especially the dynamic of Tul and Tin as brothers so far and how their love interests fit into their character’s needs and desperate requirement for love, warmth, trust. The connection between these two is heartbreaking, messy but also is so deep and strong? They are interesting shadows of each other especially due to the mystery of their past/child hood that’s still looming around. But that’s a post for another day.

So Yeh this episode is so good  and so is season 2 and here’s a list of things I adored about it:

Character changes/introduction to arcs/dynamics:

Can: Can is much more mellow/calm? I think people have noticed it too, in season 1 he was more fiery and louder, and defensive. He’s still Can who calls out the wrong, and fights for kindness and trust but this time he’s more calmer, he’s more leinent to Tin. And I am obsessed with this change??? Basically we can see already from the actions and the difference that Can can’t help but like Tin, he complains about seeing him and bumping into him but his kind/childish nature is still willing to play around with Tin and be close to him even if he’s freaked out about the excessive PDA Tin displays. His reaction to the kiss is so different, he tells Tin about it but it’s more cuter instead of aggressive and panicked, he’s dazed and thoughtful about it, again he’s more positive about it all. We can see he is already seeing Tin as a friend he likes to hang out with. But this is essentially his actual personality. We also connect Ae’s break up with Pete with his own arc that’s upcoming. From seeing the pain people suffer from with love Can does not see the point of feelings and being that vulnerable with someone. Because it consumes people’s thoughts and it’s doesn’t seem fun. He prefers just being childish and naive about feelings. This is such a good way to set up the arc that occured at the conclusion of season 1 when he ended it with Tin but still wanted to be friends with him. I love this side to Can because I notice the chemistry even more from Plan, he’s softer, warmer and it makes me squeal watching all their scenes in episode 3 together.

Tin: Tin is also different also less harsher, his brooding personality is contrasted with the hints about the pain/trauma he’s gone through from his family environment, he acts indecisive about how to act around his family members we see him soft with his nephew this episode only when no one is around and he sees his brother and reverts back to his cold shield. He also doesn’t trust his brother even though we’ve not been given enough information about what he’s done, and he seems okay so far? But little hints have been placed (the way Mame does) like him saying “That day is never going to happen” when Tin threatens to take of his mask suggesting he is hiding his real self and knows why Tin is acting the way he does. And just as in season 1 we see Can’s childishness make his stifled life when he’s feeling suffocated, give him some calmness/excitement to the lonely life he decided to embrace.

Again their relationship arc has been given depth just as before but it’s told in a way this season that is even more romantic and softer. They’re bumping into each other, like fate and coincidence and they’re both helping the other with their character arcs. Can is giving Tin a positive outlook to life and trusting people again and Tin is making Can mature and trust feelings of love and being vulnerable. teaching him why love is worth everything. Already Tin’s presence to Can is showing that (which was foreshadowed in episode 1 at the beginning with the flashfoward when they hugged), he;s the person who gets to see Can vulnerable, and the person Can can lean on. This is why we have those scenes in this episodes, little tidbits that build up the story behind the scenes so we see a pay off when they choose each other.

1. The running to the car scene: This is such a good scene I squealed. We’ve seen this scene before when Can listens to Tin and he asks him if he believes if he’s an unloved child making Can question if he was too harsh. In season 1 it takes a while for Tin to say this line and for Can to apologise ‘(he does it with a letter I think). Him running to the car and immediately apologising and Tin rubbing his head before flicking it is sooo cute? We’re getting soft couple vibes rather than the enemy to lovers vibe and I’m loving it. Can choosing to apologise to Tin after he tells him he’s an unloved child shows his willingness to trust Tin and be friendly with him despite the fact that he’s rude and loudmouthed. he can’t help wanting to be friendly to Tin. Tin on the other hand just as before is shook someone listens and apologises to him, he finds Can like a child which again adds excitement and colour to his life.

2. Tin and the nephew scene: This scene again adds depth to Tin’s character, he forms a facade/barrier of being cold in order to survive his household. It’s been imbedded in him but he can’t help care for his nephew. The scene makes him think of Can later when he’s feeling suffocated, but it’s adorable when you think about it. We see his nephew being so open about loving his father, being loud about his love for his uncle, being excited to stay with Tin not understanding the coldness between him and his father, he’s just a kid, loud, naive and innocence. He says what he means and you can trust him. Tin loves that Can is like this kid, because as we know in season 1 and slowly hinted in season 2 he’s been in an environment where he can’t trust people. Can comes in and becomes a perfect companion for the stoic prince because he’s trustworthy and says what he means, and strives to be loyal unlike the people who Tin has been taught to be like to survive. See depth and 3d characters! We love.

3. The shopping scene: Personally because I just love how Can complains about feeling pain in his arms and legs from walking up and down and wanting to eat and rest. And Tin shows up and slowly takes the bags from him, asks him if he’s hungry and pays attention to his whining. Again this scene is showing why Tin is the right person for Can in terms of love, he makes Can feel supported and taken care of, Can is used to be being spoilt in season 1 by friends, i haven’t seen clues of that in season 2 yet, but again this adds to the reason why Can would learn why it’s good to fall in love and be vulnerable with someone. Finding the right person who’s always there for you without them meaning to. Cute right? Tin just somehow comes and helps Can as he complains and comforts and distracts him from his woes even though he doesn’t realise.

So these are just a few snippets for Episode 3 and why repeating this storyline is already building up again depth to this storyline, it’s still exciting to see their chemistry and moments because it’s romantic, it’s important and every single scene counts and furthur helps prepare us for the heartbreak that is coming and the resolution. And I am enjoying it so far.

Images are from @potatomarble​ 

[saladejin]

Call An Uber? | 09

BTS x Reader | idolverse au, uber driver!Reader, translator!Reader | Fluff, flirting, super slow burn, angst and hurt/comfort, mature themes and eventual smut

Summary: Your normal life with a normal, yet inconsistent job gets drastically changed when your dreams come true. Sounds boring right?

What happens when all of this occurs, but you’re still doing something you love AND getting a large sum for it? Now there’s something to think about, and it’s definitely not what you’re thinking.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2.4k

< masterpost >

»»————- <<prev | next >> ————-««

  “Uh, no you don’t.”

I gasped when the phone was suddenly plucked from my hands. It had been a struggle to find a close-by Uber service, but one had honestly just popped up!

“Bang PD-nim?”

The older man chuckled and returned the phone to my trembling hands. When had he even appeared next to me? He was dressed so casually that I had to look twice to make sure it was even him. 

“I can drop you home for a lot less, trust me (Y/n).” He laughed again, and it was obvious I had no choice but to follow him speechlessly. A week or so ago, this would have appeared as quite strange and inappropriate to many people, but I knew the stout CEO well enough now to place my trust in him.

“T-thank you so much, you really don’t have to…” I spluttered and gawked when his expensive car came into view. The reason why he’d even come along to the concert was still unknown. Up until this point, I’d been under the impression he usually didn't get involved with the showy stage side of things, but even so, he had obviously come of his own accord.

“It’s fine. After everything you’ve done for us tonight, it’s the least I can do.” Bang PD sighed, and I knew he was thinking about Soojin’s brashness from earlier in the day.

“That’s completely okay, I really enjoyed myself tonight,” I said calmly, thinking hard about what I was about to suggest. “Actually, I wouldn’t mind helping out like this more often. If they ever need anyone, that is.”

Bang PD smirked at me, and I knew he was teasing at the underlying feelings I had for the members in particular. The fact that I was already missing them and it hadn’t even been an hour said quite enough. There was no denying that it did play a big role in my offer, but it wasn’t everything of course.

“I can think of a few reasons why, but unfortunately it’s not in your job description.”

I laughed and exhaled in slight disappointment, my shoulders sagging in defeat. “I know, it’s only if they need someone though.”

The car ride was silent for a few minutes, and we would be reaching my house soon after seeing how fast his flashy car zipped around the streets and backroads of Seoul.

“I have something serious to say to you, (Y/n).”

I immediately grew apprehensive at his tone. I mean who wouldn’t after hearing something like that? I picked at the leather seat underneath me and willed my eyes to not drift towards the scenery rocketing past the window. I needed to show him my full attention here.

“I came tonight for one reason only, and that was to monitor you.”

Back at it again with the bluntness it seemed. Classic Bang PD.

“Monitoring me? That sounds kind of sinister.” I pursed my lips and trained my gaze onto the man’s bespectacled face. He wasn’t looking back, but it wasn’t as if I expected him to while he was driving anyway. I was, on the contrary, glad to not be confronted with his piercing eyes, because the anxiety about the direction this conversation had taken would have surely consumed me whole.

“It’s not that bad,” he said while chuckling, “I just wanted to check up and see how you were doing, but you never saw me backstage. Heaven forbid Soojin-ssi actually informed you of anything properly. I had an opening in my schedule, and I hadn’t visited the concerts for a while.”

I shook my head and laughed along with him. He knew exactly of his assistant’s behaviour, and it seemed he definitely wasn’t the only one. This wasn’t the outcome I was expecting, but I felt appreciative of his caring nature, nonetheless.

“What I noticed…” he then drew out, and a sense of uneasiness fell onto us both.

“Was your relationship with Bangtan themselves.”

Now the hammer dropped. Horror lit up like a wildfire inside me, and I suddenly thought about all my interactions with the boys so far. Dazed eyes scanned the disappearing road in front of me as the cogs within my mind started breaking to pieces. A simple touch could be considered crossing the line with them. I was only a mere staff member, therefore I couldn’t expect anything more or less than simply that, but thinking about it now reminded me that I definitely had not been acting like it.

I must have gone too far. Hell, I literally hugged two of them tonight! That’s a recipe for scandal disaster right there, what the fuck (Y/n).

“I can see your brain working, please don’t overthink about what I just said,” Bang PD’s tone became louder as if trying to speak over the flurry of thoughts. I couldn’t help but swallow thickly and sat back into the plush car seat behind me. I rubbed the clamminess off my palms and steeled myself to hear whatever he had to say next.

“Sorry PD-nim, I know I’ve been…closer than I need to be, I guess.”

He suddenly let out a wheeze of a laugh, and I wished to open some kind of window into his mind just to understand what was happening. He took one glance at my furrowed brows and stifled another laugh.

“No way (Y/n), I wasn’t going to say it was a bad thing at all! Well, hear me out please. I want to be serious for a minute.”

I let out a bellowing sigh of relief and managed to let any amusement die down. If he wanted to be this serious, it meant that something extremely important needed to be understood.

“The boys are solely focused on their idol careers, so when it comes to hiring new staff we try to avoid potential ‘risks’, so to speak. It’s a precautionary thing, but – you don’t have to concern yourself with that notion, because you’ve managed to prove yourself again and again. (Y/n), you’ve been working with us for only a few weeks now, but you’ve only solidified my opinions.”

I was smiling now, because the man’s words were so heartfelt and honest. I wondered straight away if he was about to open up to me somehow. This didn’t usually happen, right? Or maybe it did, because he just liked being a boss that staff members could be comfortable and adaptable with.

“You have the best of intentions, I know this for sure, but that isn’t the problem,” he continued while gaining a more solemn tone, “The issue itself, is attachment.”

Another hammer, ah yes. I should have seen this one coming from a mile away.

“Now, I don’t have a problem with you and the boys getting along well. Many of the staff are close with them, and it’s not something out of the ordinary because there are so many faculty members that have been with us from the beginning. It’s only natural.”

When he turned to gauge my response from over the rim of his glasses, I found myself nodding in earnest understanding. I completely agreed with what he was saying, because there was no way you wouldn’t form a substantial bond with the very people who had helped you rise to the top. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what the man was trying to get at exactly, though.

“You-”

 He stopped and cleared his throat loudly, obviously racking his brain for the right words to use. It left me dumbfounded, because Bang PD had always come right out with whatever was on his mind. Sometimes it was a little too harsh, but most people valued his opinions and appreciated his level of honesty whether it hurt them or not. This industry did teach their employees to deal with no-nonsense attitudes.

“Not including the backstage crew at the venue, you have been one of the youngest staff members we’ve hired in a while.” He finally sighed, and my mind created the imaginary train tracks steering straight to the point.

“I’m not fearing the attachment you may develop if you continue to spend time with them, but I do fear things going awry or their focuses being taken away from their careers. Usually, I would remove you from the situation without question right away, but I saw you with them tonight-”

I flooded with sudden embarrassment when he looked upwards to think again, as that meant he had most likely seen the hugging too. There was a cold dread settling into my stomach at the thought of getting ‘removed’. That would mean the cost of my job and everything I had worked for so far. I would feel empty, because now that the boys were in my life, I didn’t want them to just vanish.

Oh God, why had I let myself get attached already??

“I understand, actually,” I murmured, “and it would probably be for the best if I didn’t see them as much.” I managed to force it out through half gritted teeth. It really did hurt me to say, but I could see that it was the best option. Who knew what hardships would come later if I continued the way I was going?

“That’s not what I’m saying, I said I saw you with them tonight, but I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” Bang PD started to slow down the car, and I knew we had finally reached the entrance to the carpark of my apartment building.

At his statement, I couldn’t help but feel confusion tickling the edges of my mind. The founder of Bighit shifted sideways in his seat to give me his full attention. Now, he could finally focus without having to divert his thoughts to not crashing and killing us both.

“They were nervous wrecks before the concert started. And I know this because I went in there just before you arrived to have a chat with them all. I could tell that Namjoon-ah would be just fine, and they all would’ve been in the end, but seeing the members like that is never comforting.”

I was fully enraptured by the man’s words, because I had never heard him speak with such a deep and sympathetic tone before. I speculated on when he had last talked to somebody like this.

“There wasn’t much I could do. I’ve supported them through the years, and they know they can always confide in me if they ever need to,” he continued while nodding forlornly. “But when it comes down to live events like these, there’s only so much I can say to help them out. And I'm rarely around as it is.”

The sudden silence urged me to convey my thoughts on the matter. “It’s nearly impossible to get rid of the nerves and doubts once they’re there anyway,” I spoke softly, eyes distant as I fiddled with my own hands uneasily. The atmosphere was more disconcerting than ever now that we had managed to find the time to stop and think.

“That’s what I thought too, but then you came in.” Bang PD chuckled and started tapping his fingers on his leather lined steering wheel to an imaginative rhythm.

“I literally watched as you made their tension disappear like it was nothing. Many people envy you when it comes to your ability to read a situation like that, because it was like you knew exactly what to do, and I’m sure they appreciated it more than you know.”

I almost choked at his sincerity. I hadn’t seriously done all that much, just held a small conversation before the show had commenced. It was only because one of the stylists had asked me to help out, otherwise I may not have even made contact at that time.

“Really? Thank you so much for saying that,” I dipped my head lightly, because I also wanted to hide the sudden spell of emotions from showing too much.

“Afterwards as well.” He sighed, and I watched him begin to smile with approval. “They were so happy, but you made them even happier in an instant. Jimin-ah too. Anyone who cared to watch could see it.”

At this point, I couldn’t help but laugh in a bizarre mixture of disbelief and amazement. Maybe I had just felt so ecstatic in their presence that I hadn’t even known their behaviour was changing too.

“This isn’t something they’ll likely admit, but I think I have an idea about how they’re feeling.” Bang PD cleared his throat. “You might just be the consolation they need, (Y/n). They have always had each other and their many supportive staff to help them find their footing, but I think you might be the key to keeping them there. To reassure them, using your viewpoint as a fan of sorts.”

He finally stopped to breathe, and my mind was churning once again at the revelation. He wasn’t even finished, and it seemed he had much left to say.

“You’re basically like a spokesperson. I know they wouldn’t have reason to doubt or disregard anything you have to say about them from their music choices to even their stage images. Min Yoongi came to talk with me the other day, telling me all about how he’d found a way to get over a certain stump in lyric writing.”

“Ah, that boy.” I muffled another chuckle and the softest of smirks made its way onto my features. I was honestly so happy to even think about being a positive influence in their lives, it made me glow from the inside out.

“It’s why I’ve made a decision,” Bang PD spoke again, and I recognised the familiar firmness to his tone that usually meant he was about to drop something big.

“Taking into account what I mentioned before about the attachment, I think it could actually help us out instead. As their presence worldwide grows, so will the pressure, and I want someone they’re comfortable with to be there for them as a support.”

“So, that’s me? What will happen? What am I going to have to do exactly?” I stammered, feeling considerably warmed and buzzed with excitement at the producer’s words. Everything he was declaring sounded like a wistful dream to me right now, but to say I also wasn’t feeling the pressure would be a lie.

“Nothing extravagant just yet.” He held up a hand while stifling a chuckle. “But it’s why I’ve decided to involve you in more activities.”

Okay, now the excitement was ready to detonate.

“And that’s why I’m asking you to go along with them on their next tour.” 

            Copyright © 2020 by salade. All rights reserved.  

tagged: @l4life, @joyful-jimin, @gee-nee​, @m0chilattae​, @rossemayme​, @doilooklikeinoe​

[oneboxofmatches]

I hope it's okay to ask for a HP romantic and friend matchup from the golden trio era and possibly romantic for marauders (please don't feel like you have to do the marauders one too if it's too much. I definitely don't want to stress you).

My pronouns are she/her and my romantic preference would be for a guy. I'm 5'4 and my style usually lingers somewhere between feminine, preppy, and "basic". I do think it's important to put at least some level of effort into my appearance.

My HP house is Ravenclaw (second highest Slytherin) and my enneagram is 1w2 (with 3 as a very close second top number)

I'm a super hardworking and ambitious person (sometimes at the expense of my own mental health and wellness). It's important to me to be able to work towards my goals and be with someone who has goals of their own. I'd get frustrated by someone who never knows when to take things seriously. I have a tendency to stress myself out sometimes and often let my stress bottle up. Cleaning/organizing and baking always help me feel centered and reduce my stress when I feel like I'm freaking out a bit. I tend to also be a little bit of a control freak on occasion in everyday life.

I can be a bit reserved when it comes to meeting new people, but when I'm around my close friends and family, I'm more open and talkative. I don't feel the need to force conversation though and can enjoy time around people just by doing our own thing next to each other and relaxing in each other's company. My friends and family are really important to me and I always try to be reliable and there for them whenever they need support.

When it comes to hobbies, I enjoy reading, watching tv/movies, cross stitch, and shopping. I used to be on a dance drill team and have continued doing yoga to keep up my flexibility because it helps me feel healthy. My favorite genres in books, movies, tv shows, etc. are romance and mystery, but I especially love when something has a big plot twist or is really thought provoking so that I can discuss it with someone I know. I also tend to be a romantic. I'm not really an outdoorsy person though and don't enjoy things like camping and hiking a ton.

When it comes to my idea of a perfect date it would probably be something pretty classic like going out to a nice dinner. I do enjoy getting dressed up and doing something fancy. Though, I'd also enjoy something like going to a carnival or festival together and just enjoying each other's company for a day. The most important thing is just spending time and connecting with the person I care about. My love languages are quality time and physical touch. It's simple, but I think it's super sweet just walking down the street and holding hands with someone. I also think it's nice when someone is taller than me so I can lean my head on their arm or shoulder while we stand next to each other (this sounds cheesy haha).

Goodness this came out so long, but I hope it's okay. Thanks so much for doing this!

This was amazing and no problem at all, thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!!

In the Golden Trio era, I romantically pair you with…

CEDRIC DIGGORY

You value hard work. Cedric is by no means a stranger to hard work. Getting paired together for a project is the most likely way you two realized just how much you can accomplish together.

While Cedric realizes the importance of his schooling and the high piles of work that come with it, he also recognizes that maintaining a balance between “work” and “play” is the secret to a healthy, manageable life. He admires your work ethic (and supports your goals 100%), but he’s also the first to advise taking a step back when the world starts asking too much of you.

It’s because Cedric has the utmost respect for you that he doesn’t just outright dismiss your outbursts that occur whenever he’s attempting to get you to relax for a moment. He makes sure you know that he finds both the work you’re doing as well as your mental health important, and all he wants to do is help you find that middle ground where you don’t have to sacrifice either one.

Learning that you already have ways to cope with stress (cleaning, organizing, baking) eases his mind, and he even uses this information to his benefit. He knows that suggesting one of these activities as an alternative to partaking in any stressful work environment you’ve found yourself in betters the chances of you taking a well-deserved break.

Aside from actual dates, it’s these little breaks where the two of you spend the most quality time together. In terms of conversation, things can range from talking lightly about your days, taking on a vulnerable tone for more personal topics, or even just a silence that sits comfortably between you while you work.

Also, it’s almost surprising how much Cedric loves watching mystery TV shows and movies with you. It’s not necessarily something he would’ve found himself doing otherwise, but he loves having someone to share the massive surprise that comes with a major plot twist. After the screen goes dark, you two can find yourselves discussing what you just watched for hours without growing bored.

As for the traditional dates, you can bet that Cedric is up for both dressing up for a nice restaurant or taking the more casual route by going to a carnival. The variety not only keeps your relationship interesting, but it proves that the location really doesn’t matter -- you enjoy yourselves and feel just as strongly for each other no matter what.

Overall, the mutual respect and dedication between you and Cedric create the ultimate power couple dynamic. Alone you can accomplish many things, but together the possibilities are endless. But at the end of a long day, it becomes clear that having each other is all that really matters.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

DRACO MALFOY

Don’t be fooled. Before this friendship was anywhere near friendly, you and Draco made up one of the most competitive duos Hogwarts has ever seen. Your high work ethic and his constant need to be recognized as a great wizard clashed, and Draco was found applying himself to his work like he never had before.

It probably took you two being forced to work together to realize you (surprise!!!) actually make a pretty good team.

The sudden burst of motivation Draco found while competing against you stays after you become friends, and you’re the one who teaches him how to use this newfound ethic more efficiently. He recognizes that you taking a break from your own work to give him these helpful pointers is a big deal, and though he doesn’t say it, he’s grateful.

Whenever he isn’t off trying to impress someone or make sure his name remains respected, he’s often in the library with you, working away. You don’t talk much, though the question “How are things?” serves as a solid conversation started for the times when the work you’re doing doesn’t need to be rushed.

You both come to find that you value the other’s opinion on many things. Both schoolwork and social matters are things you bring up with the other, and advice-giving (yes, Draco can give advice when he feels like it) becomes a common theme.

Support becomes a key part of your friendship. Draco makes sure you take care of yourself and you make sure he knows he’s more than just his last name. Rumors of his family’s involvement in certain affairs aren’t exactly rare, and while you don’t force him to open up, you make a point to remind him time after time that he has the power to choose his own destiny.

And when he does finally open up to you in private, your opinion of him doesn’t change in the slightest. You reassure him of this, explaining that whatever he needs, you’re there for him. You realize you can’t do much to change his situation, but you know that simply being a loyal friend through all this might be just what he needs.

Overall, you and Draco hold each other in very high regard, and though you bring different perspectives to the table, you realize you’re willing to help each other in any way you can.

In the Marauders era, I romantically pair you with…

REMUS LUPIN

Remus understands you find his friends annoying. He finds them annoying. But seeing you sit through one of their worst hyperactive, downright ridiculous episodes just so you could spend time with him while knowing you can get fed up with people who have a hard time taking anything seriously demonstrated that you were committed to your relationship and were willing to accommodate whoever he hung out with.

As someone who outworks over ¾ the school, Remus is a master at recognizing the early stages of burnout. Whenever he sees it in you, he’ll take on a softer tone and gently ask if you’d like to direct your attention elsewhere for a while and return to work at a later time.

You often work in the same room as each other, taking solace in the gentle quiet you two can find if you get lucky enough to find such a spot. While you both enjoy the peaceful, intimate conversations that usually come at the end of a long day, you are also content with saving that for later and using the time at hand to focus on schooling.

The complexity of your conversations (whether it be about the latest book you both read, a recent assignment from a shared class, or one of life’s mysteries) is much higher than that of the average couple. With the level of thought you two are already capable of, you challenge each other by exploring new ways of thinking together.

Remus can be quite the romantic when he wants to be. Respectful, yet simple gestures (such as opening a door for you) are a given, but he also loves little signs of affection such as holding your hand as you walk through Hogsmeade. He revels in the feeling of being close to you, and don’t be surprised if he gives your hand a gentle squeeze once in a while.

Overall, not only do you and Remus unlock new levels of thought and productivity, but you also have a pure, sweet love for each other that is timeless.

[akirufin]

“Work for a cause, not for applause”.  -Grace Lichtenstein

Virtue for Being an NSTP Student

In the Philippines, one of the subjects in college is NSTP, or National Service Training Program. But as time went on, I realized that, despite the fact that it was just an online class with a centered on watching videos and reading articles, I was becoming increasingly interested. It is interesting that people are speaking up, that advocates and protests are being held for justice and for their equality. Even though I was writing an essay, it was frustrating in my first semester because you had to give justice and show gratitude to those who wanted it, you were like an advocate, and you had to fight for your rights while writing an essay, and you need to write with conviction and from the heart. It's amusing because, even though I haven't had such an experience, but when I took the NSTP class and they asked us to write letters and essays as advocates, I really gave and wrote justice and rights to someone, whether they were rich or poor they have a right to have freedom of speech. We are not deaf nor dumb, so someone who is willing to take a risk and fight for what is right is really impressive, and I am giving salutation to those who have the courage to fight for what is right.

The NSTP during this pandemic is very challenging, and there's a risk that what you've learned and studied will contribute to your world to help because you have an advantage because you know about it. To help people, you must take chances, and you naturally want to help because you don't want others to be injured or harmed. There's a reason it's also taught to us: there are people who aren't aware of it yet, and there are people who know very little about what to do if a tragedy occurs. Even better, NSTP has trained us to be environmentally conscious and to support those in need. I've learned a lot as an NSTP student that I can relate not only to myself, but also to those who might need guidance. We are no exceptions to disasters, since we have lived through hurricanes, earthquakes, flooding, and volcanic eruptions. Such disasters are unavoidable. That is why it is important to teach precautions and safety procedures in NSTP, since there are still students who are unaware of these issues and often panic and are unsure of what to do. It is preferable to be fully conscious and to know what to do in order to prevent an accident. It's also here to help you teach as a team leader and to be successful so that others can happily obey you.

You must possess your virtue in the same way that you possess other qualities such as dedication, humility, determination, decision-making, and communication. It's also wonderful to assist others, particularly if they're experiencing difficulties and don't yet have that level of expertise. I will do everything in my capability to protect, accommodate, and educate them what I have learned. What I learned was a life-changing experience that I would remember for the rest of my life. I learned a few things that will benefit my environment. This experience is similar to that of a boy scout or a girl scout in that you must always be prepared. I learned a lot, and it was eye-opening for not only me, but for all students.

[eventually--darling]

Genuinely asking: how do you know trans people are going against God when they decide to transition? For many (not all) trans people, HRT and other therapies are life-saving. By the same logic, is it against God to use HRT to treat women who go through premature menopause, or who suffer from PMDD?

My opinion on this has been informed by what I've learned from trans people themselves and what I've learned about the Catholic perspective on this topic. I'm willing to change my mind on these things provided it's consistent with Catholic teachings.

When it comes to using HRT to treat PMDD and early menopause rather than gender dysphoria it's a very different situation. As I understand it, in those cases estrogen and progesterone are used to stabilize a woman's hormone levels. Both of these are hormones women already have naturally, so I think it would be more comparable to someone with anemia taking iron pills than transitioning. Even if it was testosterone being used the intent is not to transition so if any changes in appearance, etc. occurred, I think they would fall into the side effect category.

The difference is that using these things for medicinal purposes is totally in line with Catholic teaching, but using them to transition from male to female or female to male isn't (I realize transitioning could be considered medicinal, I just needed to differentiate between the two). I absolutely agree that transitioning whether fully or in part can be life-saving and I in no way wish to diminish that, but I don't think it's enough to make it right. There's a bit of a gray area, I think, when it comes to smaller things to ease dysphoria. Cutting or growing out your hair, dressing differently, I don't know that those would automatically be bad. The point remains, however, that changing your body with an intention contrary to God's design makes it wrong.

But as I said before, if I and other Christians are going to tell people not to transition then we need to give them adequate support to follow (alternative treatments would be ideal) and I think we've failed miserably in that department.

Thank you for asking respectfully! Hopefully I didn't come across as rude or anything here.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9

This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.

(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)

Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.

Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.

Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.

Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.

Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.

All of this rings so true.

They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.

You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.

In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.

I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself.  The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.

- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.

I feel your claws sinking in less and less.  You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.

This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.

I wonder how you feel...  but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.

No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child

When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself  I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...

my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.

Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.

What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.

I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.

relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.

through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation,  problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.

The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.

All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.

It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.

All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.

But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.

my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.

I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.

People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.