#LITERALLY THE ONLY ADULT FIGURE AROUND THEM WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO ADAPT A NEW ENVIRONMENT WAS EGO

[truegoist]

more of y’all need to realize that the %90 of bllk cast is literal teenage boys

[scarletred79]

Anti-Social Artist (Glamrock Freddy x Fem Reader) Chapter 6: Restless Sleepover Pt. 3

I had dealt with restless children before, other than Moondrop. Either they had too much sugar, managed to steal caffeine from a desk, or ingested a sun drop candy instead of the other that helps you sleep. The possibilities were countless! But I wasn't after a child. It was a young adult running away from getting the help she needed and deserved. The poor thing was starving herself, for whatever reason it might be. I intend to find out her intentions as long as she is willing to share. I wouldn't force our superstar to make herself uncomfortable. Or, maybe the daycare attendants could help.

Either way, right now, I had to find her, but how? An unknown source blocks her location, and I don't know where she is. If I tried to ask everyone else's help, they would be willing or unwilling to participate in the search party. But Beckett left me in charge on Y/n until she's in good hands, which goes for me to search alone.

'I hope I find you soon.'

Was it masochistic to listen to sad music at your worst? Maybe, or maybe not, who knew? It was a habit of mine, yet I learned to live with the pain throughout my life. In that case, it is unfortunate to adapt to living in misery, but I've rarely known anybody to live their life in true happiness. It sounds like a different reality when you think about it. People in your family support you, not losing your friends for being "selfish," not being called names by simply existing, respected; the list goes on for those so-called "born lucky."

I, on the other hand, ran away. It's not the best solution since your problems will find you eventually or are always following you until you solve them. I don't know how long I've been running, and I can't remember when I started or how I stopped. It looks like I stopped here, in this building, and it's one of the few places that made me feel safe, excluding strangers.

The main stage always felt so peaceful when we were closed, and I had no one asking questions, giving me unwanted stares, coworkers to talk to or greet, and no disturbances.

Sometimes I like to make new friends, or at least there were. It always felt like I was a bit "too much" for everyone. I took jokes too literally to the point that people got fed up with trying to correct me. I wouldn't say it was their fault since that time was before I got diagnosed. I only figured it was unnecessary for those who didn't need to know.

My mother, on the other hand, didn't deserve to know. I shouldn't have told her about my diagnosis in the first place. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I shouldn't have thought about trusting her even after everything she did. I always gave her second chances, only because she acted kindly towards me after every fight. She'd always say she felt guilty about it, then try to win me back by giving me hugs, kisses, buying things for me, you name it.

I had no choice but to be friendly toward her whenever she acted agreeably. Because then people would think that I'm the bad guy.

My mother wasn't the bad guy either. She's a woman who grew up differently compared to me, learned things differently, and has her perspectives and opinions. But it's for damn sure she has no right to demand respect when she hardly did the same for me whenever I "talked back" or not do what she thought was right. As long as I behave, then I get the so-called respect.

Looking around the empty mall, I breathed, trying to stay calm, "In through the nose and out of the mouth... Everything will be fine; you'll be fine and okay."

As I turned around, a shiny glint of an instrument caught my eye. An electric guitar on its stand, coated in a marigold orange with three black stripes spreading across.

I whistled as I stepped toward it, my fingers strumming the strings gently before picking it up. "You must be Gator's baby, aren't you a beauty?"

On my last few ounces of energy, before I would be swept away to the Daycare, I wanted to sing and play, just once, to let it all out. I was using unhealthy habits for two weeks to de-stress, and I had my reasons.

I knew that using people's things without their permission was wrong, and I didn't mind the consequences. If Monty wanted to get mad at me, that was understandable. I will not disrespect his choices on who he does or doesn't like.

'I may be an asshole at times or look or sound like one. People called me selfish many times before, in moments I never was in the first place. Now, I'm going to be very, very selfish.'

I strapped the guitar around me and approached the microphone on the stand before turning it on. The high-pitched noise kicked in through the speakers but barely flinched due to the tiredness kicking in a little. No matter how much energy I had left, I would use everything, and I needed this.

Plugging in the guitar, I began the song's intro by humming close to the microphone and strumming the chords on the guitar. By the sounds of it, Montgomery tuned it, thankfully.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, starting at a low volume, just like the song. Raising the magnitude of the sound as the second went by, I imagined the drums playing along in the back to keep me focused. No music felt complete without its key instruments, except for some covers on YouTube.

"Save some face; you know you've only got one.

Change your ways while you're young!"

"Boy, one day, you'll be a man.

Oh, girl, he'll help you understand!"

"Smile like you mean it!"

My hearing sensors couldn't believe what I was listening to, a rock song. An intruder singing on the main stage? At this time of night?

I was close to shutting down in my newly installed pond near the golf course. Good thing the higher-ups let us expand our play areas to have some space for us to enjoy. It was getting old and boring to see the same things every day.

The last thing I wanted was someone singing at two o'clock in the fucking morning!

"Are you seriously skinning me alive? Now? Right now?"

Swimming towards the edge of my pond, I decided to say fuck it and walk around with my wet trunks. Even if the floor were going to get soaked, I would still teach this punk a lesson.

"Smile like you mean it!"

The words coming out of my mouth hurt me, knowing what they meant exactly. It wasn't about the drugs, a relationship, none of that.

"Looking back at sunsets on the East side."

"We lost track... of the time."

You are looking back, smiling, and accepting your choices, even at the worst and bad times.

"Dreams aren't what they used to be.

Some things slide by so carelessly.

Smile like you mean it!"

You eventually get through the hard times and smile at the end, but even the pain's still there.

"Smile like you mean it!"

I continued playing the notes, fingers sliding side to side, back and forth, changing to different positions on the strings. It felt like this rush within me, and the sudden motivation and passion pushed this sort of adrenaline to keep going, not backing down now.

I felt alive.

"And someone is calling my name from the back of the restaurant.

And someone is playing a game in the house that I grew up in.

And someone will drive her around down the same streets that I did.

On the same streets that I did."

Opening my eyes again, I couldn't see through the tears as much as I tried to blink them away. "Smile like you mean it!"

As I was on the verge of breaking down, I couldn't bring myself to stop playing. I was so close to finishing!

"Smile like you mean it!"

'Come on, y/n, just a bit further!'

"Smile like you mean it!"

Leaning one leg back while the rest of my body bent forward, I smiled wide before I sang louder, "Smile like you mean it!"

"Oh no! Oh no, no, no!"

"Oh no! Oh no, no, no!"

Tapping my foot, I imagined the drums playing in the background again, finishing the song in its final few seconds until I raised my fist high, forming the rock-on sign. "Thank you, Washington County, goodnight!"

'Fuck, everything hurts-'

The clapping sounds broke my train of thought, leaving me to scan the room. And that was when I spotted a standing figure covered in yam orange fur.

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[majorsoapfan]

The Umbrella Academy Season 3 Episode Titles Analysis

Now that the episode titles for season 3 have dropped, I’ve spent the last few days wondering and theorizing just what they could mean. Most of what I’ve gotten so far rests on symbolism, headcanons, potential theories and a lot of googling, but we all need some way of staying sane until season three drops, right?

Now this is just what I’ve come up with so far, I could be massively wrong in all of these, but these are just my predictions based on what I know of the characters and plot so far, previous ways of naming episodes and the very little I know of the comics.

Meet The Family

Now this one is very self-explanatory and we’ll most likely get to know our birdies very well in this episode. We’ll probably be seeing a flashback to the Sparrows as children fighting crime - maybe already being better at it than their Umbrella counterparts were when they first started.

I’m hoping that we’’ll see another montage of introducing the siblings as adults like we saw in season one with our Umbrellas - which had been so helpful to me at the time as I had started watching the show about a week before season two dropped. I had known absolutely nothing about the show when I started, I had only clicked on it because Robert Sheeran was in the card as Klaus with his pink umbrella and I thought he was pretty. I became a massive fan all because I had thought Robert was pretty and I was bored.

So yeah, I loved the initial introduction montage of the siblings as it helped me figure out who was who quickly without wasting time. And I think that doing something similar for the Sparrows will also help give a better and quicker insight into their personalities and how they work when we see them in episode one.

The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine

If you google ‘ball of twine’ it does mention that this is an archetype for an odd roadside attraction. Now if we’re going literal here, there are plenty of such attractions in the States, including one of just this in Texas, where our dysfunctional family had been last season. Maybe an indication of a road trip or even them fleeing the Sparrows and New York in order to regroup and figure out their next step without the birds circling in?

Ball of twine can also mean wrapping really strongly around something, especially as the material mentioned is usually very strong and durable. A ball of wool isn’t the episode title after all. Now this could mean maybe a family or an emotional issue that is massively at play here. Or more likely, the Umbrella’s and more specifically Five, are trying to figure out their exact steps and actions in the 60′s and just how badly they changed the past and future, both in the general sense of the world and for their own personal lives.

Ball of Twine can also mean wrapping around something tightly, so maybe a trap is being put in place or enacted. Either for the Umbrellas by the Sparrows, or the Umbrellas are trying to lure their counterparts into a trap to regain the upper hand.

Pocket Full of Lightning

Now the first thing that comes to mind when I think of this title is something like this being described or mentioned regarding a character and their abilities. Now the characters that come to mind immediately when referenced to this are either Vanya or Christopher. Or maybe it may have something to do with a team-up, more than likely the Sparrows and what can happen when they team-up and combine their powers.

But lightning also has a lot of symbolism in many different societies and periods and in all honesty, I feel like I have to mention this. Symbolism includes but isn’t limited to: illumination, destruction, punishment, inspiration and revelations. Lightning is also highly associated with the King of the Greek Gods Zeus. Maybe Marcus or Reginald?

Marcus is after all described as a natural leader after all, gaining perhaps a Zeus like image in the public eye?

Whereas Reginald on the other hand would definitely see himself as being as King and acts like it at times, using his children as his soldiers to advance his agendas. Zeus isn’t a very kind or forgiving God either so unlike Marcus maybe this has something to do with the Hargreeves patriarch?

Kugeblitz

Thank you Tumblr for having already given me the definition for this episode title when I had first found out the episode titles so I know that it means a black hole formed from radiation.

Luther and Five when I think of this title in terms of its definition a kugeblitz has me thinking of both space and science, as both topics are highly associated with these characters. Black holes have ties to space which Five who’s powers are teleportation and Luther who spent four years up in space both have ties to a title like this.

But of course we can’t forget the actual alien in the family Reginald Hargreeves. A black hole could be a reference as to what happened to his original planet, or maybe signalling a potential threat later on in the season. Will it cause another apocalypse or a warning for an alien invasion perhaps?

But it also might have links to a well known Umbrella Academy villain, Dr Terminal. I haven’t read the comics so I will admit to a lack of knowledge on this villain although I will Google him later. But as the season will be focusing on the Sparrow Academy and potentially any previous villains, Dr Terminal seems to be the most well known in the fandom and thus the most likely to make an appearance, whether in flashbacks or in person. A few people here seem convinced that this episode title will have something to do with him in some form.

Kindest Cut

When I think of this episode title, my first thought goes of course, to Diego. People can often get cut with knives and they are of course Diego’s preferred weapon of choice.

Maybe however they are referring to another powered sibling and what harm their abilities can cause. Top contenders after Diego of course, are Vanya whose power we know can cut after seeing what she did to Allison at the end of ‘The Day that Was’ in a moment of anger.

But if we go with the Sparrows then Alphonso is at the top of my list. His character sheet is mentioned as him bearing the scars from his years of crime-fighting. His power is assumed to be the voodoo from the comics and if he can transfer the injuries he obtains or inflicts on himself to others, this may be what this title means.

But, and this theory I think is the one that I’m most obsessed with right now, is that the episode title could be an adaptation of the saying ‘unkindest cut’. The definition for this is ‘a cruel or devastating injury or insult inflicted on you by a supposed friend’. 

If we go by current timeline we’re in then my money is that Five may be joining the Sparrows either under duress or having worked out an agreement with Reginald that his siblings would be spared if he did. Only his family might not be aware of what Five has planned and agreed to and would only see the apparent betrayal of what they have all gone through together as a family. Of only seeing their brother join the team that probably want them dead.

But this betrayal may also be coming from the Sparrows and Sloane perhaps. Sloane is an inverse of Five in a sense in that while Five is driven by his desire to save his family, Sloane often feels like hers are holding her back from experiencing her dream of leaving. Maybe she betrays the Sparrows in some way by letting an opportunity to capture the Umbrellas flee or seeking them out as allies.

Marigold

According to what I can glean from the comics, marigold refers to the balls of light that eventually became the 43 super-powered children. So could we be getting an explanation as to how these supers came to be and why?

But like with episode three’s episode title, I can’t not mention the symbolism connected to this title. Marigolds often have conflicting symbolism today. In modern western society their bright colours often have them being associated with the sun and positive emotions and energy such as happiness, optimism and good luck. Not what I think the episode will be about.

But on the darker side of things, which is something that I do think has more ties into what to expect, is that they also refer to jealousy, grief, despair, mourning and cruelty. It is a flower associated with death and the Day of the Dead in Mexico and is said to offer protection from evil spirits. This connection with death is what I first thought of when I saw the episode title and the most obvious character associated with Death is none other than our ghost-boy Klaus Hargreeves.

Klaus as a character has a lot of ties to death naturally and I did see a post on here describing how Klaus will be entering the fourth stage of grief which is depression for both Ben and Dave during season three. This makes sense as they are now both gone in a way that not even his powers can reverse nor can he summon their spirits. Marigolds can often symbolize a despaired love and strong passion as well as well as pain and grief, so it could be a reference to Klaus’ depression over permanently losing both his closest brother and his love. But the main reason I do think that this episode does tie in heavily with Klaus is that it’s a mid season episode and so far that’s usually when Klaus undergoes most of his development. Maybe it’ll continue that way in season three.

Of course if Marigold will also represent a despaired love there are other options in the Umbrellas other than Klaus and Dave: Diego with both Eudora Patch (who is possibly still alive in this timeline) and Lila Pitts still bouncing around the timeline. Allison dealing with leaving her 60′s husband Raymond Chestnut and maybe trying to track down her ex Patrick to find out what happened to daughter Claire in this timeline and Vanya with love Sissy Cooper. Or maybe even Five and Dolores or possibly a love interest for Luther could be a reference to this title. 

Explaining how the Umbrella and Sparrows came to be wouldn’t take the whole episode giving us time for some potential (doomed) love.

Auf Wierdershen

This is very likely to be a Klaus focused episode, even if Marigold isn’t.

The episode title is German for goodbye and Klaus is the character most associated with Germany. Klaus is the only character to have spoken German during the shows events so far and his name is of German origin (interestingly enough, all of the male Sparrows bar Ben, have their names tied to Germanic origin. Meanwhile, Fei’s name is of Chinese origin, Jayme has both Spanish and Hebrew roots, while Sloane is derived from an Irish surname Ó Sluaghhadáin). Not only that but it is considered fanon that Klaus was born in Germany just like Diego and Vanya’s roots are considered to be Mexico and Russia respectively. 

Not only that but he literally has ‘goodbye’ tattooed on his hand.

‘Goodbye’ has many different interpretations for what this could mean especially if this is a Klaus centric episode like we are assuming. And like I mentionned above with Klaus going through the fourth stage of grief in season three, this might be the episode where he moves into the fifth and final stage: acceptance. Perhaps by having one last talk with Umbrella Ben in the afterlife or by trying to track down Dave after Vietnam and discovering he (seemingly - I do have hopes for Commission Dave later on) did live a long and happy life after the war. 

Mending fences with Ben and both getting the chance to air their genuine grievances with one another and mend their relationship from the horrific state it was in at the end of season two might help Klaus find closure. Klaus and Ben both love each other but they crossed a lot of lines and hurt each other deeply with their behaviours last season and they deserved the chance to try and fix the issues as well as say a proper goodbye to one another. This could give Klaus the opportunity to say just that as well as moving into accepting Ben’s death once and for all.

And when it comes to Dave, maybe just knowing that Dave moved on can help Klaus move from depression into acceptance. He was more than fine with stopping Dave from enlisting in the army during season two even knowing that it would mean that Dave would never meet or fall in love with Klaus. He was willing to sacrifice his chance at love with Dave if it meant that Dave would survive. Perhaps if he knew that Dave had been happy and safe in his later life he could then move on and say goodbye? 

And maybe by coming to terms with the departure of two of the biggest influences in his life, motivate Klaus to embrace a new outlook and control of his life and his powers?

Wedding At The End Of The World

This very clearly has ties to the very first episode of the show which is ‘We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals’. Both have marriage and death connected in their titles. The characters that we know have been married so far out of our Hargreeves family so far is Reginald and Allison.

Reginald was married on his home planet when his wife died. Not a lot is known about her other than she was the original owner of Vanya’s violin in the original timeline. Maybe we’ll get information on her and just why Reginald left his home planet?

The next character married so far is Allison who so far has been married twice already (maybe they’re going three for three this time?). And judging by the episode title in season one, that event was the last time the Umbrella Hargreeves (bar Five) were all together as a family until they arrived for Reginald’s funeral. Maybe there’s a link there.

Or maybe this is referencing a whole other wedding that may be happening during the events of season three? I wouldn’t be surprised if Five reunites with Delores and decides just to get married to make it official. To paraphrase Klaus, it’s probably one of the healthiest relationships that family ever had regarding love.

Six Bells

Now this tile had me stumped for a good bit and it will probably make more sense when season three does drop and we watch the episodes, but for now I can just theories on it.

Bells have often been associated with religious services, which may tie in with the last episode, but can also be rung for important events or in deference of important people.

But what is really getting me is that the title is six bells and there are six Umbrellas left so far. Could the bells be in reference to something regarding them, some sort of trap perhaps? Which will definitely tie in in some way to the seasons finale:

Oblivion

Now like episode one this one seems fairly self-explanatory. This seems like Hotel Oblivion is finally coming into play here, meaning they are probably switching the order of stories from the comics. But the question is: if it is Hotel Oblivion, did the Umbrella’s enter the Hotel/prison out of free will or were they trapped here by the Sparrows? Anything goes at this point considering that it’s the last episode of the season.

But when it comes to the Hotel there are so many possibilities as to what happens here:

- Are all of the Umbrella’s trapped inside or did one escape and their other cell mate is a Sparrow perhaps (Sloane maybe for trying to leave the Sparrow Academy?)

- How will this set up the cliff-hanger for season four? Will all or some of the Umbrella Hargreeves be trapped in the hotel once the season ends and that helps set up the tension for the next season. Or maybe a break out of prisoners just like in the comics occurs and the Umbrella's are forced to deal with it?

-Where will this leave our Sparrows at the season end, because I know that we’re going to get attached (I know I will). Will some of them come with us into season four? Maybe they are split into two teams as the season ends, each containing a mixture of both Umbrella’s and Sparrows?

Well that’s all I have, maybe I’m right about some of it, maybe I’m all wrong, just need to wait until season three to find out.

[levihantrash]

Not Hange, But Zoe

For @levihanweek Aug 2021 Day 4 prompt: childhood (one-shot)

Summary: After the war, Levi gets to meet Zoe—Gabi and Falco’s new friend in school. A leap of faith comes in the form of a small child with an abundance of questions and acute compassion for a person they just met.

note: kind of fluffy kind of sad (a hopeful ending tho)

cross-posted on ao3 🤪

-----

For Gabi and Falco, returning to normalcy meant returning to school, in a part of the world that hadn’t been completely crushed by enormous, fiery giants. Strangely enough (to Levi), they decided to stay with him and Onyankopon for the time being.

“What’s your new friend’s name?”

Levi enjoys being a part of the children’s lives. They adapt more quickly and play with more abandon. Even when the weekly nightmares that bring them to huddle into his bed, he is more assuaged that the pain, with time on their side, will recede. Even if the memories never quite disappear, children don’t hold on to them with the steely desperation that many more adults do; afraid that without pain, they might have nothing left.

Falco hesitates, but Gabi barges in, overwhelmed with excitement and lacking inhibition. “Zoe! Their name is Zoe!”

“Zoe…?” Levi nearly stutters, grip tightening on the wheelchair armrests. Even Gabi registers his shock, faltering a little. Instead of keeping quiet, Gabi elaborates more, in hopes of soothing Levi’s inexplicable reaction.

“Zoe is so smart! I do a bit better than them at math, though they don’t seem to care about getting good grades.”

“Gabi I think Levi doesn’t want to—”

“It’s okay.” Levi stops Falco’s interruption with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Go on, Gabi.”

Spurred on by Levi’s go-ahead, Gabi goes on in detail. “Zoe has been reading a lot of history books lately, but the teachers won’t tell her where to find books about the war.”

“You know, the war we were in.” Gabi swallows, finding comfort by clenching Falco’s arm.

Falco chimes in with increased confidence. “I think Zoe would love to talk to you! They’ve been asking a lot of adults. Nobody wants to talk about the war… for good reason… I suppose.”

-----

Onyankopon sits across Levi at the dinner table, hearing what Levi had to say about his conversation with the two kids after they bid them good night.

“They want me to meet this kid called Zoe.”

“An unfortunate name…” Onyankopon muses sombrely.

“Who knows?” Levi contends, casting a quick glance at the tabletop where a photo of Hange Zoe sits. They had insisted on taking a picture together when they arrived at Marley. For the memories! To find out a camera works. An arm draped around Levi, they gave a peace sign as he stood stiffly, gazing sideways at the grinning commander. Levi remembers the flash of the new technology caused him to instinctively reach for the knife in his back pocket, before Hange promptly caught his hand in theirs.

“That’s the camera flash, Levi. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Levi grumbled.

“Oh, I’m sure you weren’t. I just wanted to hold your hand.” Hange chuckled, about to let go of Levi’s hand before he clumsily squeezed back. A tense moment is shared, dissipating into a calm intertwining of fingers. A subtle smugness spread across Hange’s face.

“Very smooth.”

“You said you wanted to hold hands,” Levi said, unable to look at Hange.

“You’ve definitely got my hand in a choke-hold there.”

Loosening his grip, Levi mumbled a quick apology. Hange only got bolder, tucking Levi’s hand into their coat with what seemed like a practised gesture.

“Will you meet Zoe?” Onyankopon asks, dragging Levi back into reality.

“What do you think?” Levi often asks Onyankopon for advice.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Onyankopon says measuredly. “Even if it’s Gabi and Falco who are the ones asking. I know you have a soft spot for them.”

“Who says so?”

“You literally let Gabi manically push you around in the wheelchair on a bumpy grass patch and let Falco climb into your bed at night when he gets nightmares.”

“They’re kids. What’s the point of getting mad?”

“Exactly my point.”

Levi sighs, staring out of the window and the darkening sky. “I’ll meet them.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard, okay?” Onyankopon says, remaining concerned.

-----

“Hi, I’m Zoe!” Dressed in a loose t-shirt and an equally loose pair of shorts, the bespectacled child thrusts out a hand in greeting. Gabi and Falco stand around them in anticipation of the long-awaited meeting (they waited a whole day).

“I’m Levi,” he says in kind, shaking the hand, quietly amused by the enthusiastic formality.

“What’s that?” Zoe points at Levi’s scarred eye. He lets out an unsteady breath. The sweat that has begun to accumulate at his pits tells him he isn’t sure if it had been a good idea to impulsively meet an uncanny reincarnation.

“Is it from the war?” Zoe helps him by asking more questions, seemingly not minding if they got responses or not. As though giving Levi a choice, a way out of the hard ones.

“Yes.”

Without missing a beat, Zoe pursues another train of thought.

“Gabi tells me I look like a commander that you used to know.” Zoe, for the first time in the whole exchange, almost looks nervous, shuffling between their two feet.

Maybe Falco and Gabi told them what happened. Words elude him if he were to try to explain anyway. For that, Levi is grateful for the straightforward manner of children.

Levi pulls out a photograph from his shirt pocket and hands it to Zoe. It’s a copy of the one back at home, printed in a smaller, carriable version.

“This is the commander. Hange.” He leaves out the surname, as Zoe observes the photograph of the two of them carefully.

“Did you two fight the war?” With that question, Levi confirms for himself that Gabi and Falco probably didn’t tell Zoe the whole story.

“Yes.”

“Did you win?”

There is a difficult, necessary silence that accompanies Zoe’s inquiry. “I don’t think anyone did.”

Zoe nods, eyeing the photograph again.

“Is that your best friend?”

Levi never quite thought about the nature of his relationship with Hange, so he pauses, eyes flickering towards the photograph—at the hand hidden in Hange’s coat.

“Like Gabi and Falco?” Zoe asks, making Falco blubber in denial, which he does so whenever someone associates him with Gabi as a pair.

“Yes.” Levi decides. The best of many friends.

“Your friend looks cool!” Zoe hands the photograph back to Levi, peering at him with wide-eyed intensity.

“Will you tell me more about the war?”

Placing his cheek on his palm, Levi bends closer to Zoe. “What would you like to know?”

-----

As the day draws to a close, Zoe still has questions. The sunset closes in on Levi and his small, attentive audience.

“Can I talk to you again tomorrow?”

Though fatigued, his body worn out from the unexpectedly long exertion, Levi finds himself agreeing.

“Yes.”

“One more question, please?”

Levi obliges.

“Do I remind you of Hange?” Zoe asks, a frown forming within the wrinkle between their eyebrows. Levi registers the suspicion, unable to figure out its source.

“Sometimes.”

“Which part?”

“Your curiosity,” Truthfully, there was not much he could garner from a one-day spontaneous meeting. Zoe’s curiosity, however, was blatantly obvious. Nonetheless, plenty of children are interested in many things—it was not anything special, Levi internally assures himself.

Zoe pouts slightly, a troubled expression now apparent. “But I’m not Hange. I’m Zoe.”

“I know,” Levi says unconvincingly.

“Do you miss them?”

Levi doesn’t answer the question, preferring to gaze over their shoulder.

“I’m not Hange. But do you want to be friends?”

Raising an eyebrow, Levi tries not to sound too sarcastic. “A kid like you wants to be my friend?”

“Gabi and Falco think you’re very cool. They also think you could do with more friends.” Falco has the decency to avoid eye contact, preferring the scenery of his shoes.

“You don’t go out that much!” Gabi says, hitting the nail on the coffin.

The familiarity of Zoe still stings him in the gut, where the similarities make it appear like the universe is playing an awful, blessed joke on Levi.

What did Hange tell all of them, that day in the sweltering sun?

Let’s meet them ourselves. If they don’t understand who we are, we just have to teach them.

“I don’t really fully understand who you are and why you look so sad. But I hope to learn more from you, Levi!”

A leap of faith comes in the form of a small child. A spunky, talkative child with an unsatiated thirst for knowledge and acute compassion for a depressed man they just met.

Straining his hip, Levi reaches out to ruffle Zoe’s wisps of stray hair, tightening the rubber band that kept their ponytail in place.

“We have a lot to learn from each other,” Levi says softly, allowing himself this leap. Only this once.

Zoe gives him the brightest of smiles, revealing an open, toothy grin.

[morganaspendragonss]

dealing in danger

for the wonderful erin's birthday!!! (@halsteadmarchs) this is literally nothing like your original prompt skdshjkl hence why i made it into a new post but i hope you like it!!!

i did however manage to include the dialogue prompt you requested! 40 - "Hasn't this addiction done enough damage already?" from the angst section of this list

title from can you hear me by anson seabra

ao3 | 1.9k | pre-series, drug addiction, overdose, questionable parenting decisions

TK is not supposed to be hearing this. Not that his parents have ever seemed to care about what he does or doesn’t hear; his entire childhood was spent listening to the harsh whispers that drifted through through the walls and doors of their apartment. He could tune them out, if he chose, but these days the arguments seem to increasingly be about him, and TK thinks he has a right to know about his own life.

Especially when so little of it seems to belong to him anymore.

He’s been living under lock and key ever since he fucked up and accidentally left his stash out in the open a week ago. It was a rookie mistake, but in his defense, he’d been pretty fucking high at the time. Granted, that defense hadn’t gone over particularly well with his mother, but TK thinks it’s a valid excuse. He’d woken up that morning to a pounding headache and a dry mouth and his parents waiting for him on the couch with several baggies of pills in front of them. He’d pretty much been dragged straight to the doctor’s, and he’d only managed to avoid a stint in rehab by some miracle.

Said miracle being, an impassioned plea to his dad and a promise that TK had no intention of keeping to play things by his rules. His mom had tried to object, but TK is an adult, more or less, and he lives with his dad anyway. She can hardly enforce something she’s not around to bear witness to.

Or, at least, that was the theory. In reality, his mom has been here most days, and at least three quarters of those days have featured an argument over their different approaches to this situation.

“You know it will end up worse for him if we force it!” his dad is saying, probably violently gesturing towards TK’s room.

“And if we don’t?” his mom demands, her tone matching his exactly. “Our son has clearly been doing this for long enough that he knows how to hide it from us; what makes you think that you can control it now when you’ve obviously failed to up until now?”

“Oh, that’s rich! TK has two parents, you know!”

“He lives under your roof! He probably did drugs right under your nose; maybe if you were ever home, you would have noticed!”

And so it goes.

It’s the same every time—his parents passing the blame back and forth, ultimately getting nowhere and only really serving to piss each other off more. TK is kind of tired of it, but it’s pretty much the only entertainment he gets these days, so.

He’s kind of just waiting for the day when they realise that things were better before. Back when he was at one friend or another’s house getting high and they never had to bother about keeping an eye on him. No-one could deny that those days had been happier, for all of them.

But, hey, it’s not as if they want TK’s opinion anyway. It’s only his life and all.

“Hasn’t this addiction done enough damage already?”

That’s new. TK sits up straight, ear practically pressed to the door to hear; his dad seems to have finally realised that he can hear their every word, and has adjusted his volume accordingly.

His mom seems just as lost. “What are you talking about, Owen?”

“Have you looked at our son recently?” There’s something hard in his dad’s voice that TK has never heard before, not even when they found out about the drugs, and it takes him aback. “He’s not well.”

“Which is why he needs to be in rehab—”

“Which is why he needs to be with us. Come on, Gwyn, you think this whole thing isn’t our fault?”

TK raises a brow. In reality, the drugs had probably only been a quarter about his parents, if that, but it’s classic Owen Strand to think that the world revolves around him.

“I know that.”

And classic Gwyneth Morgan to agree with him.

“We were never there for him, and now look where we are. You said it yourself—none of us even noticed that he was...what he was doing. It was an accident that we did find out. If we send him away for months, he’s not going to see it as us trying to help him; he’s going to see it as us not wanting to deal with him.

“TK looks bad now, but imagine what time there would do to him. His addiction has already hurt us all enough; now it’s time for us to start managing that. You know I’m right, Gwyn.”

There’s a long pause after his dad has finished speaking before his mother mumbles something that TK takes to be an agreement. He’s not listening now anyway, his father’s words on repeat in his mind.

Hasn’t this addiction done enough damage already?

He’s not well.

...hurt us all enough

He’s right. His dad is right.

TK has hurt his parents enough. And he’s pretty sure that his dad knows he’s already figuring out a plan to go back to the drugs; he’s just choosing to ignore it because he doesn’t want to believe it.

But there’s a simple solution to this, and TK doesn’t know why he didn’t see it before.

He’s the problem, so to fix it, he just needs to not be around.

Simple.

So, that night, TK quietly steals the cash from his dad’s wallet, picks the lock on the apartment door, and creeps out into the night.

*

It’s pathetically easy to not be found if you don’t want to be. TK knows that by now his parents will have gone through every possible channel to find him, but he’s abandoned all his old haunts and used his dad’s money to get as far away from Manhattan as possible. He makes sure to keep outside of the 252’s service area, changes his name, and even buys some hair dye and new clothes to reduce the chances of him being recognised as fair as possible.

He has no money left by the time he feels safe, but that’s okay. There are other ways of paying for what he needs, after all.

TK survives almost two weeks in his new life. He steals food, grabs dropped money, and sleeps on the streets, or sometimes in a bed if that’s what his dealer of choice prefers for that night. It’s obviously nowhere near as comfortable as his old life was, but needs must, and TK knows how to adapt.

Anyway, at least he’s not trapped with his parents and their constant arguing anymore. At least he can get Oxy pretty much when he wants, in exchange for a quick fuck or two. And he knows that he can’t keep this up indefinitely. He knows that, sooner or later, his choices are going to catch up with him.

Thing is, TK gave up on old age a long time ago. Live fast, die young—that’s how it goes, right? It doesn’t sound so bad to him.

Or, it doesn’t, until his mistakes do finally find him again.

That night, he does his usual business, a baggie of pills for him, a blowjob for his dealer, and then it’s over. He’ll be on the streets tonight—apparently his dealer had ‘other matters’ to take care of—but TK doesn’t mind. It’s a balmy night, and alleyways can be surprisingly cosy if you know how to make them so.

Drugs, it turns out, work a treat.

TK doesn’t bother inspecting the pills as he tips them back, dry swallowing one after the other. Even if he had, it’s doubtful that he would have noticed anything off—and, later, he has to wonder if he would have cared if he had.

Slowly, the high begins to wash over him, and TK feels happy. He’s flying, but then it feels like something slams into him, and panic seizes his chest as he crashes back down to earth.

His body isn’t moving—TK can’t move—but he has this swooping sensation in his stomach and dread growing slowly in him. Something is horribly, horribly wrong, but his brain can’t think beyond helpcan’tbreathedyingDAD—

TK twitches and chokes, and then there’s no time for thinking anything as his head drops to his chest and his eyes fall shut.

*

Owen stares down at his son, lying comatose in a hospital bed. It’s only been two weeks since he fled the apartment, but already he looks so different, so much worse. Apart from the dyed hair and the streaks of grime on his face, it’s obvious that he’s lost a horrific amount of weight—weight TK could ill afford to lose.

There are deep purple bags under his eyes and his hair is limp and greasy to the touch. Nevertheless, Owen reaches out anyway, tangling his fingers in the strands as he prays for TK to open his eyes.

Worse, TK’s body is a patchwork of bruises and cuts, some in places that leave little doubt as to what he was doing to pay for the drugs. Owen feels sick to think about it, the idea of his 20-year old son out on the streets, doing...doing...that for something he thought he needed.

Jesus.

The doctors have told them that TK was lucky he was found when he was. Apparently, his dealer had fucked him over, given him much stronger drugs than TK normally took, causing him to overdose. On top of that, they’d been a bad batch, so TK wouldn’t have even had time to go looking for help if he’d known what was happening.

And there’s a thought niggling at Owen. He thought he knew his son, but looking at him now, he realises that he’s never been more wrong. Because Owen wonders whether or not TK would have gone for help if there was time, and he has no idea of the answer.

Heels click behind him, bringing him out of his thoughts. Owen knows what’s coming before Gwyn speaks, but he doesn’t try to stop her.

“Hasn’t this addiction don’t enough damage already?” she parrots, her tone cold and harsh.

Owen sighs. “Gwyn—”

“I accept my role in this, Owen,” she says, marching to stand on the other side of the bed, “but if you had just listened to me before then none of us would even be here. TK might not have been happy at rehab, but he wouldn’t be in a coma after almost dying either.”

“I know.”

“You know,” she scoffs. “Listen to me, Owen. We tried doing this your way, and look how it ended up. If—” Gwyn gasps and breaks off, sudden tears filling her eyes. She turns to look out the window for a moment, blinking hard, but she’s still not quite fully composed when she faces Owen again. “When he wakes up, we’re going to do what we should have done three weeks ago, and we are going to fix this.”

“I know,” Owen repeats, his voice a whisper. Gwyn seems startled by his ready acceptance, but Owen looks at TK’s pale, thin, bruised face, and he realises that a second chance is the last chance they’re going to get.

And he’s not going to lose his son.

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Twenty ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1650

Warnings: None

A/n Hi! Sorry, I know I’m a day late -- I have family in town so I’m soaking up all the time with them that I can. This one is short (and a lil fluffy/angsty), and this chapter and the next are kind of a rest before we hit the next act of this story! Sooo gear up! I’m excited!!! 

I shut the door behind Orophin and Lavandil.

Cosima flops onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. “That was awful.”

I make a noise of general agreement. I hadn’t expected my brothers to take the news happily, but I didn’t think Rumil would completely shut me out. I have no doubts that he will eventually come around, but his reaction is still distressing.

Cosima raises up on her forearms, looking at me in concern. “Are you okay?”

I nod, making my way towards her bed. “It may take some time, but I know my brothers. All will be well.”

She scoots from the middle to the far side of her bed and pats the space next to her. I accept the invitation, lying on my back at her side. Vaguely, I notice that her bed is much larger and comfier than mine. I turn to tease her about it, try and cheer us both up, but she’s fiddling with her fingers. I guess neither of us is feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

“What is it?”

She sighs, staring up at the ceiling rather than at me. I nudge her arm gently, trying to prompt an answer.

She bites her lip. “You’ve said that you can make your own choices, and I get that, but I’ve got to ask—are you sure? You don’t have to stay with me just because you said you wanted to. I know what you’re sacrificing, and you don’t have to—”

I cut her off, kissing her forcefully. She sucks in a breath and I use that to my advantage, drawing her deeper into the kiss. She recovers from her shock quickly though, and slides a hand up my chest in that way I adore and is slowly becoming familiar. I pull away but keep a firm hold on the side of her face. “Please push these thoughts from your mind. Whatever the future holds, I am in it with you. And a future without you? I don’t want it. It would be different, had I never met you, but the Valar blessed me. They brought an impossible woman into my life. And I have no intention of letting her go.”

The sadness in her eyes breaks, replaced with a look of tenderness that I work hard to memorize. I let the hand on the side of her face slide to rest on her hip.

She places a kiss on my jaw, taking her time to respond, aware that she has my complete attention. “If I had to wake up in a different world with no memories, I am immensely glad you were there. Being with you is worth all that I’ve left behind. Even if I did remember it, I would choose you.”

I exhale slowly, basking in her words. I’ve never been vulnerable with someone before — bearing my heart and hoping they don’t crush it — and every time I open my mouth to confess something to Cosima, there’s the fear that she will shut me down, that she won’t return my feelings. But her words just now, as well as her actions from the past few days, help allay my fears.

“It’s getting late,” she breathes, face mere inches from mine. “You could stay the night?”

My hand on her hip tenses. No, I remind myself. I should go back to my room. But the words that come out of my mouth are not what I told myself to say. “I would not be intruding?”

“No,” Cosima smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I would very much like it if you stayed.”

We are both adults. If she wants me to stay and I want me to stay, then there’s no reason to leave. “Then stay, I shall,” I murmur, dropping my lips to press against hers.

She kisses me languidly for a while before her lips shift into a grin. I pull back with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re the one who has to get up and blow out the candles,” she declares, her tone full of mirth. “That’s really the only reason I asked you to stay.”

I snort, but push myself off the bed, headed for the first candle I see. “I knew it couldn’t be because you love me. That’s too easy.”

“And pull the curtains,” she adds, lifting the duvet so she can crawl underneath it. I watch her slide her eyes shut, smile still spread over her face as she tries not to laugh.

Cosima and I have slept in each other’s company before, and we will do so again for the three weeks of our journey to Lothlórien. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is completely different. It will be the two of us alone, in a bedroom, when we have acknowledged our feelings for each other.

But despite the nerves and the gravity of the situation, it feels completely natural to spend the night with Cosima. I long for her presence during the day, and the night is no different.

And with precious little time together, shouldn’t I seize on every moment?

I blow out the candle nearest to me. It darkens the shadows in the room. I extinguish the remaining candles, close the curtains, and then return to the bed. Cosima has thrown the covers back on what I suppose is my side, making it easy for me to climb in next to her. After the slightest moment of hesitation, I do so. I reach for her, wrap my arms around her and cross them over her stomach, then pull her against my chest. It reminds me of a variation on what I did our very first day of training, an action that caused me no small amount of distress. But now it seems there is no limit to the ways I can hold her, and I plan to explore them all.

Cosima chuckles, evidently pleased with this development. “You remembered the human way.”

“I am capable of adapting,” I respond, dropping my face into her neck.

Her laugh turns into a sigh when I begin a trail of kisses there. “I have a question.”

I hum, continuing my pattern. “Yes, my love?”

She pauses to beam at the phrase. When she speaks, the smile is still in her voice. “Rumil asked if we had bonded yet, and then when you said no, he said there’s still ‘time’. What did he mean by that?”

My lips freeze against her neck. I sigh, shifting to lie on my side and pressing on her shoulder so she’ll turn to face me. I figured we would need to have this conversation at some point, but I hadn’t counted on now. And it’s not the potential for awkwardness that makes me wish I could keep my mouth shut — no, we could get past that — it’s the fear that, once she knows there’s still technically a step we have to take in order for my soul to perish once hers leaves me, that she will end this.

But it is not right to withhold information from her so, with another deep breath, I explain. “He was talking about the bonding of the fæs — in the literal sense. But I love you, I am committed to you, and nothing can change that, so Rumil’s whole notion of ‘time’ doesn’t really apply here.”

Her eyes narrow as she zeroes in on exactly what I’m careening around. “Say there’s some wiggle room.”

“There’s not.”

“But if there were,” she presses, obviously not interested in letting this go.

I sigh. “Traditionally, elves have used sex as a way to facilitate the spiritual bonding of the fæs. That’s what constitutes an elven wedding — that’s what represents and solidifies the commitment. Since we have not had sex, Rumil thinks our fæs are not bonded, so there is time to break the commitment between us without it affecting me.”

She sits up, opening her mouth to comment.

I hurry to sit up as well and cut off her words before she can take this idea and run with it. “But our situation is different. The whole concept of the fæs bonding is not a blanket statement that covers every relationship — there is a lot of choice involved, we are not without agency. And I have chosen.”

She smiles somewhat sadly, letting her fingers drum over my knee. “I wish I was an easier choice.”

I catch her hand in mine. “I quite like where my choices have led me.”

She leans against me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “I love you.” She shifts, lying down and tugging on my arm to pull me with her. “Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

I stretch out behind her, then twist the strands of her hair through my fingers. She’s silent, and I worry that, despite my efforts to reassure her, she’s still sad. I know she can’t help it, but I wish that we could leave all this struggle and moroseness behind. In my view, the future is set, my path is clear. Struggling over what that means will not halt the end, nor change it, so we shouldn’t waste time worrying over it. We should prepare how we can and then enjoy our lives together.

Cosima tucks her head into my neck and tangles one of her legs through mine. The action — so unexpected yet so natural — gives me hope that, soon, she and I can fall into a life together. Maybe Lothlórien is the key. Maybe once she can clearly see what our future looks like — a home, friendships, family, meals together at the end of a long day, exploring Lothlórien’s extensive forests and blue-green lakes, festivals, sunrises, all the wonderful things about my home, our home, she can allow herself to be happy.

And I will do everything I can to help her get there.

A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always so appreciated! Also, I think I made EVERYONE sad with that last chapter, I’m so sorry. But I LOVE that we all collectively love Rumil and want him to be happy forever, right? Soooo, c’mon, hit me with some happy Rumil headcannons <3

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[snarktheater]

Hey, d'you have any French book recs? I'm trying to work on my French, and rn I have downloaded one of my favourite book series' French translations, but I figured maybe books already written in French might work better? Also have you read the Ranger's Apprentice series? 1/2

RA's def flawed - the books' narration does like to point bright arrows at the protagonists' intelligence, and the last few books def have the tone of 'old white man trying to write feminism', although at least he's trying? - and it's aimed more to the younger side of YA, but it is still a very fun series, and I can ignore the flaws fairly easily, at least partly due to nostalgia? This rather long lol but I'm wordy.

I'll start with the second question: no, although every time the series is brought up I have to check the French title and go "oh, right, I've seen these books in stores". But I've never purchased or read them. It sounds like something I probably would have enjoyed as a teen but I just missed the mark, and these days I'm trying to drown myself in queer books, so that probably isn't happening.

As for your first question, geez, I haven’t read a French book in years, so this is gonna skew middle grade/YA, though that may not be so bad if the point is to learn the language. I will also say that as a result, these may read a little outdated.

I'll put it under a cut, even if Tumblr has become really bad with correctly displaying read mores. Sorry, mobile crowd.

It's also likely that old readers of the blog will have seen me talk about most of these. I don't feel like going through old posts.

One last thing: while I was curating this list I took the time to make a Goodreads shelf to keep track of those.

The Ewilan books by Pierre Bottero

(It's a testament to how long ago I read these books that these are not the covers of the edition I own, and I can't even find those on Google. I'm settling for a more recent cover anyway since it'll make it easier to find them, presumably)

There are at least three trilogies (that I know of) set in the same world.

The first trilogy is essentially an isekai (so, French girl lands in parallel fantasy world by accident) with elements of chosen one trope, though I find the execution makes it worth the while anyway.

The second trilogy is a direct sequel, so same protagonist but new threat, and the world gets expanded.

The third one is centered around a supporting characters from the previous books, and the first couple of books in it are more her backstory than a continuation, though the third one concludes both that trilogy and advances the story of the other books as well.

Notably these books have a really fun magic system where the characters "draw" things into existence. It's just stuck with me for some reason.

A bunch of stuff by Erik L'Homme

I have read a lot of this man's books, starting with Le Livre des Etoiles.

They also skew towards the young end of YA, arguably middle grade, I never bothered to figure out where to draw the line. They're coincidentally also using the premise of a parallel world to our own (and yes, connected to France again, the French are just as susceptible of writing about their homeland), but interestingly are set from the point of view of characters native to the parallel world.

It also has a very unique magic system, this one based on a mix of a runic alphabet and sort-of poetry. I'll also say specifically for these books that the characters stuck with me way more than others on this list, which is worth mentioning.

This trilogy is my favorite by Erik L'Homme, but I'll also mention Les Maîtres des brisants, which is a fantasy space opera with a pirate steampunk(?) vibe. I think it's steampunk. I could be mistaken. But it's in that vein. It's also middle grade, in my opinion not as good, but it could just be that it came out when I was older.

Another one is Phaenomen, which was a deliberate attempt at skewing older (though still YA). This one is set in our (then-)modern world and centers a group of teens who happen to have supernatural powers. I guess the best way to describe it is a superhero thriller? If you take "superhero" in the sense of "people with individualized powers", since they don't really do a lot of heroing.

...I really need to brush up on genre terminology, don't I.

The Ji series by Pierre Grimbert

This one is actually adult fantasy, though it definitely falls under "probably outdated". It is very straight, for starters, and I'd have to give it another read to give a more critical reading of how it handles race (it attempts to do it, and is well meaning, but I'm not sure it survives the test of time & scrutiny, basically).

If I haven't lost you already, the premise is this: a few generations ago, a weird man named Nol gathered emissaries from each nation of the world and took them to a trip to the titular Ji island. Nobody knows what went down here, but now in the present day, someone is trying to kill off all descendants from those emissaries, who are as a result forced to team up and figure out what's going on.

I'm not going to spoil past that, though I will say it has (surprise) a really unique magic system! I guess you can start to piece together what my younger self was interested in. Which, admittedly, I still am.

Once again, this one also has a strong cast of characters, helped by rich world building and the premise forcing the characters to come from many different cultures (though, again, I can't vouch for the handling of race because it's been too long).

The first series is complete by itself, though it has two sequel series as well, each focusing on the next generation in these families. Because yes, of course they all pair up and have kids. Like I said: very straight.

A whole lot of books by Jean-Louis Fetjaine

OFetjaine is a historian, and I guess he's really interested in Arthurian mythos especially, because he loves it so much he's written two separate high fantasy retellings of them! I'm not criticizing, mind you, we all need a hobby.

The former, the Elves trilogy (pictures above) is very traditional high fantasy. Elves, dwarves, orcs, a world which is definitely fictionalized with a pan-Celtic vibe to it. The holy grail and excalibur are around, but they're relics possessed by the elves and dwarves with very different powers than usual. Et cetera.

Fetjaine also really loves his elves (as the titles might imply), and while they're not exactly Tolkien elves, there's a similar vibe to them. If you like Tolkien and his elf boner, you'll probably like this too. And conversely, if that turns you off, these books probably also won't work for you.

This series also has a prequel trilogy, centered around the backstory of one of the main characters. I...honestly don't remember too much about it, but I liked it, so, there you go, I guess.

I said Fetjaine did it twice. The other series is the Merlin duology, which, as the title implies, is a retelling of Merlin's story. Note that Merlin is also in the other trilogy, but it's a different Merlin; like I said, completely different continuities and stories.

This one is historical fantasy, so it's set in actual Great Britain, and Fetjaine attempts to connect Arthur to a "real" historical figure...but, you know, Merlin is also half-elf and elves totally exist in Brocéliande, so, you know. History.

Okay, that's probably enough fantasy, let me give some classics too.

L'Arbre des possibles et autres histoires - Bernard Werber

Bernard Werber is a pretty seminal author of French sci-fi and I should probably be embarrassed that the only book of his that I read was for school, but, it is a really good one, so I'll include it anyway.

It's a novella collection, and when I say "sci-fi" I want to make it clear that it's very old school science fiction. It's more Frankenstein or Black Mirror than Star Trek, what we in French call the anticipation genre of science fiction: you take one piece of technology or cultural norm and project it into the future.

It has a pretty wide range of topics and tones, so it's bound to have some better than others. My personal faves were Du pain et des jeux, where football (non-American) has evolved into basically a wargame, and Tel maître, tel lion, where any animal is considered acceptable as a pet, no matter how absurd it is to keep as a pet. They're both on a comedic end, but there's more heartfelt stuff too.

L'Ecume des Jours - Boris Vian

(no cover because I can't find the one I have, and the ones I find are ugly)

This book is surrealist. Like, literally a part of the surrealist movement. It features things such as a lilypad growing inside a woman's lungs (and, as you well know, lilypads double in size every day, wink wink), the protagonist's apartment becoming larger and smaller to go with his mood and current financial situation, and more that I can't even recall at the moment because remembering this book is like trying to remember having an aneurysm.

It is also really, really fun and touching. Oh, and it has a pretty solid movie adaptation, starring Audrey Tautou, who I think an international audience would probably recognize from Amelie or the Da Vinci Code movie.

I don't really know what else to say. It's a really cool read!

Le Roi se meurt - Eugène Ionesco

Ionesco is somewhat famous worldwide so I wasn't even sure to include him here. He's a playwright who wrote in the "Theater of the Absurd" movement, and this play is part of that.

The premise of this play is that the King (of an unnamed land) is dying, and the land is dying with him. I don't really know what else to say. It's theater of the absurd. It kind of has to be experienced (the published version works fine, btw, no need to track down an actual performance, in my humble opinion).

The Plague - Albert Camus

You've probably heard of this one, and if you haven't, let me tell you about a guy called Carlos Maza

I'm honestly more including this book out of a sense of duty. The other three are books I genuinely liked and happen to be classics. This book was an awful read. But, um. It's kind of relevant now in a way it wasn't (or didn't feel, anyway) back in 2008 or 2009, when I read it. And I don't just mean because of our own plague, since Camus's plague is pretty famously an allegory for fascism, which my teenage self sneered at, and my adult self really regrets every feeling that way.

Okay, finally, some more lighthearted stuff, we gotta talk about the Belgian and French art of bande dessinée. How is it different from comic books or manga? Functionally, it isn't. It really comes down more to what gets published in the Belgian-French industry compared to the American comics industry, which is dominated by superheroes, or the Japanese manga industry, which, while I'm less familiar with it, I know has some big genre trends as well that are completely separate.

The Lanfeust series - Arleston and Tarquin

This is a YA mega-series, and I can't recommend all of it because I've lost track of the franchise's growth. Also note that I say "YA", but in this case it means something very different from an American understanding of YA. These books are pretty full of sex.

No, when I say YA I mean it has that level of maturity, for better or worse. The original series (Lanfeust de Troy) is high fantasy in a world where everyone has an individual magical ability but two characters find out they're gifted with an absolute power to make anything happen, and while it gets dark at times, it's still very lighthearted throughout, and the humor is...well, I think it's best described as teen boy humor. And it has a tendency to objectify its female characters, as you'll quickly parse out from the one cover I used here or if you browse more covers.

But still, it holds a special place in my heart, I guess. And on my shelves.

The sequel series, Lanfeust des Etoiles, turns it into a space opera, and goes a little overboard with the pop culture reference at times, though overall still maintains that balance of serious/at times dark story and lighthearted comedy.

After that the franchise is utter chaos to me, and I've lost track. I know there was another sequel series, which I dropped partway through, and a spinoff that retold part of the original series from the PoV of the main love interest (in the period of time she spent away from the main group). There was a comedy spin-off about the troll species unique to this world, a prequel series, probably more I don't even know exist.

Les Démons d'Alexia

Something I can probably be a little less ashamed of including here.

Some backstory here. The Editions Dupuis are a giant of the Belgian bande dessinée industry, and for many, many years I was subscribed to their weekly magazine. That magazine was (mostly) made up of excerpts from the various books that the éditions were publishing at the time; those that were made of comic strips would usually get a couple pages of individual scripts, while the ongoing narratives got cut into episodes that were a few pages long (out of a typical 48 page count for a single BD album). Among those were this series.

For the first few volumes, I wasn't super into this series, probably because I was a little too young and smack dab in the middle of my "trying to be one of the boys" phase. But around book 3 I got really invested, to the point where I own the second half of the series because I had canceled by subscription by then but still wanted to know more.

Alexia is an exorcist with unusual talents, but little control, who's introduced to a group that specializes in researching paranormal phenomena, solving cases that involve the paranormal, that kinda stuff.

As a result of the premise, the series has a pretty slow start since it has to build up mystery around the source of Alexia's powers, but once it gets going and we get to what is essentially the series' main conflict, it gets really interesting.

Plus, witches. I'm a simple gay who likes strong protagonists and witches.

Murena

There was a point where my mtyhology nerdery led me to look for more stuff about the historical cultures that created them, and so I'd be super into stuff set in ancient Rome (I'd say "or Greece or Egypt" but let's face it, it was almost always Rome).

Murena is a series set just before the start of Emperor Nero's rule. You know, the one who was emperor when Rome burned, and according to urban legend either caused the fire or played the fiddle while it did (note: "fiddle" is a very English saying, it's usually the lyre in other languages). He probably didn't, it probably was propaganda, but he was a) a Roman Emperor, none of whom were particularly stellar guys and b) mean to Christians, who eventually got to rewrite history. So he's got a bad rep.

The series goes for a very historical take on events, albeit fictionalized (the protagonist and main PoV, the titular Lucius Murena, is himself fictional) and attempts to humanize the people involved in those events. Each book also includes some of the sources used to justify how events and characters are depicted, which is a nice touch.

It's also divided in subseries called "cycles" (books 1-4, 5-8 and the ongoing one starts at 9). I stopped after 9, though I think it's mostly a case of not going to bookstores often anymore. Plus it took four years between 9 and 10, and again between 10 and 11. But the first eight books made for a pretty solid story that honestly felt somewhat concluded as is, so it's a good place to start.

[justletmeplayminecraft]

so @martuzzio‘s space outlaws au gave me another idea for a fic. this is the result. zedaph’s sheep part being afraid of ren which somehow turned into a wider exploration of zed being new to the ship & a not-quite human disaster! is it wider au compliant? who knows! but i had fun writing it. hope you have fun reading. 

featuring: it’s harder than expected adapting to being on the same ship as a werewolf when you are, in fact, part sheep. also with copious team zit bullying friendship, stress being stress, and self discovery.

It's only been two weeks on the Hermit Craft when Zedaph realises he has a problem. He meets Ren in the corridor by complete accident. One of the few times he leaves Tango or Impulse's side, and he gets lost. The ship is bigger than anything he's been on before but he doesn't want the embarrassment of asking for help over the communicators. He probably wanders for around an hour before Ren finds him. Ren with his ears and his teeth- oh they're pretty sharp aren't they?

"Hey, Zedaph, right?" Ren holds a hand out. His smile is friendly, but the dark eyes make Zedaph swallow. He puts on a similar smile, reaching out to shake Ren's hand.

"Um, yeah," he replies, "And you're Ren?" He says like he isn't innately aware of the werewolf on the ship.

"That's me!" Ren's ears twitch. "Tango sent me to find you. Thought you might've gotten lost." Zedaph laughs, reaching to rub the back of his neck. He looks down the corridor that looks the same as every other one he's been down today.

"Um, a bit," he admits. He keeps Ren in his vision, shifting his weight from foot to foot. If Ren notices his anxiety (Zedaph's not sure how he couldn't), he doesn't comment on it.

"Good job I've got the super senses to find you!" Ren stands up straight, looking proud of himself as if he didn't just deliver one of the most terrifying things Zed's heard. "I'll take you back to Tango."

Zedaph nods, "I'd appreciate that." As he follows behind Ren, he decides he's going to rip Tango a new one. Well and truly.

-

See, the thing is: Zedaph isn't human. Not completely. Maybe 85% human if he threw an estimate out there. He doesn't hide this on purpose. In fact, he announces it right there when he introduces himself. Hi, my name's Zedaph, and I'm part sheep! But he doesn't make an effort to correct people when they assume it's a joke. That part is a little more on him. Compared to the other non-humans on board, he's pretty tame. The hair is easy to pass off with a bit of effort. His face is... his face. It's no surprise that the other Hermits assume he's human, nothing more.

It's not a problem, except for Ren.

It's not Ren's fault, of course. Ren's a perfectly nice guy! Probably! He's got a friendly demeanour, often bouncing around the Hermits with bright enthusiasm. Zed even has a list of evidence why Ren is perfectly nice, including: Xisuma lets him on the ship, Tango and Impulse like him, Jellie likes him too! None of these things change the undeniable problem, however, that Ren is a werewolf. Ren is a werewolf and Zedaph is very much part sheep! It is everything Zedaph has been taught to avoid. Now he's living on a ship with it. He's not prepared.

-

"You sent Ren to get me!" Zedaph whines, pacing the edges of the engine room. Tango twists to look at him.

"Well, he was going to find you fastest. Unless you wanted me to bother Xisuma." Zedaph groans, throwing his arms out.

"I felt like I was going to faint!" He protests, flinging his hand in Tango's direction like it in any way proves his point. Tango turns to face him, crossing his arms.

"Ren's perfectly fine. He's probably one of the least intimidating Hermits." Zedaph shuts his eyes, breathing in deeply.

"I get that. I very much get that. But look at me, Tango."

Tango tilts his head, "I'm looking." Zedaph gives him an unimpressed glare.

"I'm part sheep! He's a werewolf!"

"Ah." Tango's face softens, his tone turning genuine. "This is really bothering you, isn't it?"

"Yes!" Zedaph gathers the strands of hair that have fallen into his face. He twists them back into the rest. "I can't just avoid him forever!" Tango hums, tapping his foot.

"I'm sure we can figure something out," he says, sounding far calmer than Zed feels.

"We're going to have to." He needs to get over himself. He only just got here, he can't go disrupting things and getting kicked out. No, he's not losing Tango and Impulse again so soon. No way. "When does he next transform, anyway?" Tango squints his eyes to think.

"I'm not sure," he admits, "a week or two? He had one a few days before you arrived." Thankfully, Zedaph's world ending sigh remains internal. How is he supposed to cope with a transformed werewolf on the ship? He drags his hands down his face.

"Tango, I'm going to die." Tango rolls his eyes. Zedaph ducks the wrench that is thrown at him.

"We only just got you back! We're not losing you again because you're afraid of a lovable, fluffy were-Ren."

Zed feels some of the pressure leave his chest as the tone lightens. "Now you're bullying me. Impulse wouldn't bully me."

"Once you get over this fear," Tango tells him, "We're both going to bully you."

"Oh! You come here where I can fight you!"

"What, you can't handle this heat?"

"Get over here!"

-

The topic comes back up again in the evening. Impulse is in the middle of complaining that Zedaph needs his own clothes. He's started doing that this last week. Zedaph agrees. He does want his own wardrobe - two somewhat tattered robes and his precious shawl are nowhere near enough - but he wants to annoy Impulse even more. It's only Impulse's clothes he steals. Tango's are all too well fitted, hold too much heat, or are literally on fire. Never mind how hot his room is.

"I don't mind it," Impulse amends, despite the evidence contrary, "But those are literally singed. I can't wear them." Okay, maybe he should’ve been more careful in the engine room.

"It's Tango's fault!" He interjects. "He provoked me!"

"We'll find a way to repair them-" Tango waves him off, "-Get Zed some clothes whilst we do." Zedaph rolls onto his back, sticking his feet on Impulse's lap.

"I want to look cute," he decides. Impulse pats his feet, rolling his eyes.

"We still need to get you a proper suit." Zedaph looks at Tango, dressed in his. He smiles to himself, settling down again and getting comfortable. His own suit, with all the labels. He'd be a proper Hermit then. They want him to be one.

"We'll get there," Tango drops into the armchair, kicking his legs over the arm. "But, you want to know what tasty news I learnt today?" Zedaph pokes his head up to glare at him.

"Don't you-"

"Zedaph here is afraid of Ren!" Zedaph groans. Impulse frowns, allowing Tango to steal the bowl of popcorn from his lap.

"Ren? Why's that?" Zedaph sighs, closing his eyes.

"He's a werewolf and I'm like, part sheep. Very distantly, yes, but I just- it's hard! I know he's probably a nice person-"

"He is. He's a nice person."

"He is a nice person, but I feel nervous around him. He's got those eyes and the ears and the teeth."

"Okay. And that makes you nervous?" Impulse sounds genuinely concerned. Zedaph opens his eyes to see his sympathetic expression.

"I guess? I feel kind of stupid about it. I mean, I'm okay with Tango and he's literally on fire."

"Hell yeah I am," Tango murmurs, shoving popcorn into his mouth.

"We can figure things out," Impulse reassures him. "Explain the situation, give you some space whilst you get used to him." Zedaph hums, his eyes slipping shut again.

"I don't want to be afraid of him," he admits. He pulls the pillow behind him into his arms, pressing it against his chest. "I don't wanna upset him and get kicked out." He hears a sharp inhale.

"You're not going to be kicked anywhere," Impulse tells him, voice confident. "We won't let you."

"Besides, you think we get along all the time?" Tango adds. "We have fights and whatever. But we're adults. We figure that out."

"You'll be fine, Zed. We've gotten over bigger hurdles." Zedaph rolls onto his side, letting the words wash over him like a blanket.

"Yeah-" He yawns "-I don't think I'm gonna stay awake for movie night." Impulse rubs his leg.

"You get some sleep, buddy. We'll be right here."

"Yep. Can't get rid of us that easily."

"I'd hope not," Zedaph replies. This can wait until the morning.

-

Just because it can wait doesn't mean anything changes. Zedaph finds himself growing more anxious when he learns about Ren's calendar marked Transformation Day. He stops looking at the calendars altogether. He's sworn Tango and Impulse to secrecy for now. Out of embarrassment, more than anything. This is a uniquely him problem, after all. The other two can't solve it for him.

They do help, though. He thinks they're having fun with it, telling him where Ren is in the ship, eating meals with him, acting as a buffer when needed. It can't last forever, though. Zedaph thinks the others are noticing them always skirting out of rooms if Ren is there. Or sitting all the way on the other side. Just... It's going to raise questions eventually.

And, eventually, he's going to get caught out.

As much as the three stick together (they have a lot of time to make up for) Zedaph ends up on his own occasionally. He's trying to reach out to the other Hermits. He can't live on this ship and not know anyone. So it's only natural, that whilst he's on his own, Ren approaches him. It's a near thing, but Zedaph's relieved he doesn't faint after turning to him.

"Hey, um, Zedaph?" Ren's shoulders are dipped, his hands twisting together in front of him. Zedaph stumbles back a step, waving before slamming his hand by his side.

"Ren! Hello!" He shuffles his hands before clutching them together to hide any shaking. "Can I help you?" Ren shakes his head, his ears strangely flat.

"No, I just- Have I done anything to upset you, man?" Zedaph presses his lips together, trying to put together his phrasing.

"No, no, you're absolutely fine. Nothing's wrong with you." He digs his fingers into his hand, resisting the urge to wave them around like an absolute fool. "I'm the problem. Oh now it sounds like we're breaking up. No- just- I'm the problem. Not you. You're fine. Lovely, even."

"Oh." Ren smiles, a hint of canines showing behind his lips. Zed feels his stomach drop.

"That being said I, uh, really need to be somewhere I'm really sorry I need to go-" Ren's eyes widen and he steps back.

"Oh, that's fine, yeah-" Zedaph glances down the hallway, backing away from Ren.

"That's great, I'll, um, see you around some time!" He continues quickly down the corridor, not turning away from Ren until he rounds the corner.

So, yeah. That could've gone better.

-

"You've been upsetting Ren." Zedaph startles at the appearance of Stress in front of him. Her arms are crossed tight across her chest and hair shadows her eyes. He winces.

"I have?" His voice squeaks and he can feel heat rising to his cheeks.

"Yes." Her expression betrays nothing. "You've been avoiding him and I want to know why." Zedaph's mouth hangs open, searching for words.

"I'm part sheep."

She blinks, "You what?" The confusion is far preferable to that glare.

"Well, like, not technically a sheep? It's a species that's distantly related to a sheep. It's kind of complicated and involves a history of gene splicing and experimentation. But I'm not entirely human and being around Ren makes me nervous."

"Okay." Stress puts her hand on Zedaph's arm, pulling him into the med-bay.

"Wha- Stress?" She sits him on one of the beds, pulling up a chair and opening a file. Zedaph tries to peer around and read the reversed text. "Is that my record?" She gives no suggestion she heard him.

"Alright." She looks up at him, hand poised to type. "You're going to explain all that to me properly."

"All what?"

"Your species, dummy!" She rolls her eyes with a flair of dramatic. "I'm pretty much your doctor! I gotta know what I'm treating."

"Oh." That makes more sense.

"Yeah, oh! Medically negligent you are. We'll come back to the Ren issue, this is more important."

"I'm not planning to get injured anytime soon." She laughs, high and carefree, shaking her head.

"You've been on this ship for like a month!" She replies. Her entire demeanour has changed with her smile. Her shoulders have dropped, legs kicking as she types. Her accent is stronger too. "Everyone's a danger magnet. So come on. Give me the deets."

It's easy to talk to Stress once he gets past the Ren issue. He's not talked to any of the Hermits about his family yet. Stress listens, noting things down and saying she'll do more research on any differences she needs to know. When she asks to touch his hair, he agrees and enjoys the delighted look on her face as she plays with it. It leaves them in a much better place to talk about Ren when she next brings it up.

"So," she says, in that tone where you know something bad will follow it. "Ren being a werewolf makes you nervous."

"Yeah." He leans back on the bed. "It's not his fault. It's just my prey instinct. I don't know how to get over it." Stress hums, drumming her hands against her thighs.

"What about exposure therapy?"

"Exposure therapy?"

"You know, where you like, do stuff with the thing that scares you-"

Zedaph holds his hands up, "No, no, no. I know what it is." He shoves his hands between his legs. "Last time I spoke to Ren I saw his teeth and had to flee."

Stress frowns, "Yeah, he may've mentioned that." Zedaph feels all his dignity draining away. "We can figure this out though. I know he transforms in-" She holds the word as she checks her calendar, "Four days now. He wouldn't want to spook you accidentally. Not more than he already has. He thinks he's done something awful to you without realising."

"No! Of course not."

"Exactly. I mean, look." She slides her phone into her hand. "Maybe I can show you pictures of him? That might help." Zedaph sighs, offering a tired nod.

"We've not got any better ideas." He leans across as Stress adjusts herself so he can see the pictures. She shuffles as she flicks through them faster than Zedaph can take them in. She backtracks a few.

"Okay, here we go!" Zedaph looks at the picture, of the ball of fluff taking up half of the picture. For a werewolf he is... Remarkably fluffy looking. He can just about make out a face in the darkness, eyes shut and a tongue sticking out.

"That's Ren?" Zedaph asks, glancing to her. She nods and flicks through a couple.

"He's a bit loud, but he's a right softie, really." She plays a video of Ren chasing after a ball, tail wagging. Zedaph raises a hand to hide his smile. "He doesn't know I have these, don't tell him."

"Is he always this... Dog like?" Zedaph asks, leaning onto his hands.

Stress nods, "He is! A proper cutie." She flicks to the next one, Ren smiling wide. Zedaph cringes away, pulling his arms up for protection. She looks at him, rubbing his arm encouragingly. "It's okay! It's only a picture." Zedaph bounces, breathing slowly until he gets the courage to look again. Ren's not in a scary pose. Still a massive fluffball, lying on his back. Zedaph still finds it hard to breathe if he focuses on those teeth.

"He's... He's cute looking?" Zedaph can't even force himself to sound sure. Stress laughs, bumping his shoulder.

"We can work on it! We'll get you warmed up to him."

"Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be nice."

-

"You managed to eat with him in the same room." Impulse sounds so proud for such a simple statement. Both him and Tango have been busy today, so Zedaph ended up spending it with Stress, acting as an assistant when Hermits came through the med-bay. It was interesting. He still needs to find a role on this ship. Somewhere where he fits. He can't be Impulse and Tango's shadow forever.

"Yeah," he replies, feeling a bit proud of himself too. Sure Ren was on the other side of the room, but he still sat there! He only got a little nervous when Ren laughed!

"See, we told you it would get better." Tango is leaning on the wall outside his room. It's nice having this moment before they part ways for the night. Or at least, when they’ve decided to sleep.

"It's a start," Zedaph corrects. He has work to do until he's completely comfortable with Ren. He doesn't want to cause problems with the already stressful transformation.

"Look at you." Impulse rubs Zedaph's hair, pressing it against his head. "Being grown up and stuff."

"I've been grown up for awhile," Zedaph reminds him. "And I still act older than Tango."

"Hey."

"That's not hard."

"Hey." Zedaph laughs, resting his hands on his hips. Tango scoffs at both of them. "I get no respect."

"Well," Impulse smiles pleasantly, "Maybe if you did something for us to respect you."

"Oh I am so going to burn the rest of your clothes."

"No you are not!" Zedaph snorts, standing out of the way. He's missed this. He's really missed this.

-

"Hey, Zedaph?" He doesn't jump this time when Ren calls to him. He turns and smiles, offering a wave.

"Hi, Ren! It's nice to see you." Ren offers a small smile in return, keeping his lips together. Zedaph focuses on his eyes instead. He's figuring this out. He's doing it.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm transforming tomorrow. You gonna be okay? Know what part of the ship to stay away from?" Zedaph nods, a soft feeling in his chest.

"Yeah, Stress gave me the brief." A very thorough brief. He had to take notes. "I'll be fine. You've got to take care of yourself!" Ren laughs, hiding his mouth with his hand.

"I've got Stress to look after me, don't you worry. We're practised."

"Good! I'm sorry for making all this awkward for you. I'm figuring it out, promise."

Ren shakes his head, "No, I get it. It's not fun having instincts you can't turn off. We'll muddle through this, yeah?"

"Yeah! You seem like a cool guy."

"So do you. See you on the other side?" Zedaph nods in agreement.

"See you on the other side."

-

"Remember when Zed was afraid of Ren?" Zedaph blinks his eyes open, poking his head up from Ren's fur. He can see Ren's eyes glinting in the darkness as he stretches out beneath him.

"Remember when you two didn't bully me?" Zedaph whines, yawning as he stretches into an upright position.

"Nope, definitely not." Tango is stood in the doorway, Impulse poking his head around. Zedaph moves to pet through Ren's fur. It's always so soft and silky.

"We came to check if you two wanted anything, ignore him." Impulse pulls Tango back as he speaks. Zedaph smiles, looking down to Ren.

"You need anything?" Ren blinks, shaking his head. He sets it back down again, obviously stifling a yawn. Zedaph just makes sure to avoid looking at the teeth. "We're good."

"Okay. Don't be afraid to contact us if you do, alright?"

"Will do," Zed assures them. He's not afraid of reaching out anymore. The Hermits are like a family. He doesn't know where he'd be without them.

"We'll see you in the morning!" Tango calls.

"Have a good night."

"You too," Zedaph replies. He settles back onto Ren as the door closes, resting his cheek against the warm fur. "I missed them, you know?" He whispers, running his fingers through Ren's fur. He can see Ren's eyes watching him, deep and focused. He smiles. "They're like my brothers. It was hard with them gone." He laughs, throwing his other arm across Ren. "But now I've got all of you. I think that's an improvement, right?"

Ren makes a tiny bark, something he apparently practised just for Zed.

"Yeah. I agree," he smiles, before breaking into a giggle. "Thanks for tonight. You're a comfy pillow." Ren's tail beats gently against the ground. "I'm glad we've figured things out." He lets his eyes slip closed, breathing out. "Right-" he yawns, "-I'm going back to sleep." Ren exhales beneath him, leaving Zedaph to sink into his fur.

Yeah, he could get used to this.

[kittybellestark]

Hi ! I don't know if this is where you send requests, but maybe a fic where peter gets all jealous of Morgan and Harley, and its fathers day, but he feels like he shouldn't be there and stays in the room the Stark's have for him- (Tony lives) OH! and maybe Mays dead idk whatever ya want thank you ! <3 Oh! and can I be on the taglist?

hi milove sorry for taking literal months to do your request i recognize you requesting this on nov 18th and it is now February so i hope this is smth that was worth the wait !! 

So I played with the timelines a lil bit bc i suck and i also just kinda took this to a place i don’t think you were asking me to do whoops, it’s not just some cute sibling jealously

also not very irondad based, like sprinkle amounts. also no comfort. my bad 

Post-endgame, Tony lives, Harley & Peter are the same age, Peter got snapped Harley didn’t 

TW: Grief, implication of suicide(minor character), suicidal thoughts,  

-

There wasn’t many things Peter liked. He remembers liking a lot of things, life, school, home, himself. But that was years ago, and yet it was only a few months for Peter. The world was different now, older.

Those who survived held grief in their eyes, they moved slow and while they have grown since the loss of their world, they also had survived the return. They mourned and grew older, making new family and friends. But some who survived couldn’t hold the weight of their loss, and in the 5 years their family was gone, they went to be with them.

The returned came back, and lived in denial. Their eyes were empty, and every movement was carefully thought through. They were left behind, monuments in their place. Those who returned saw how the survived struggled to cope, and in turn they struggled as well. There was no place for them anymore. Especially when they didn’t have a family to go to.

Like Peter.

Peter returned to the world five years later to find May was gone. She was one of those who survived the initial snap, only to not be able to carry the grief. He hated that he came back to life and had no home, no family. Peter was alone.

Tony was nice enough to offer Peter a place to live with his own family. But they couldn’t relate to him, they didn’t know what it felt like to be left behind like this, to be dropped in the future and expected to be okay. Tony had a family now. A child born in an empty world, and another kid, Harley. He was barely a teenager before the snap and now he was 17, just as old as Peter.

He couldn’t help but hate living with them. Harley’s family had returned, but he wasn’t going home. Morgan was a child who was scared by Peter. Tony and Pepper sometimes forgot Peter was there, after spending so long without him they would act as if they’ve seen a ghost when Peter rounds the corner and into whatever room they’re occupying.

Peter missed May. He wished that he could still be in Queens, living in their apartment. Peter missed Ben and he missed the idea of his parents. He should have never returned. There’s no room for him in this world.

He hated how Harley took advantage of their situation. He hated that Harley had a family, a mother and a sister who returned and are alone and he didn’t go back to them. His family returned to him and yet he’s here with Tony. And he hated how Morgan took her family- her full, completed family for granted.

If Peter’s family came back to life there wouldn’t be anything stopping him from being with them. He would cherish every single nano-second if they were alive again.

And yet they all expected Peter to be okay. Adapted. Used to the future like he didn’t just blink and find himself lost and alone. He brings up that he misses May and someone frowns and tells him how long ago she died. How was that supposed to help him? No one even brought him to the cemetery. How is Peter meant to move on from a life that was stolen from him?

It’s not like any of them were okay. Tony and Pepper and Harley all crumbled as whenever there was a reminder of everything that they lost. Peter, unfortunately happened to be one of those reminders.

Tony and Pepper tried their best. They involved Peter in family bonding time and they tried their best not to flinch when Peter is unexpectedly there. Because they survived, they didn’t understand and talking to them led to dead ends.

He tried communicating with them. Cried over May’s death, had been confused about these new things that are actually years old. For them it was so long ago, a literal lifetime ago, so they never really saw the point in talking about these things. It wasn’t that they thought Peter would figure this out, they just assumed he already knew.

Talking to Harley didn’t really work that well either. He didn’t want to talk about the things Peter missed out on and when asked about his family he would shrug and say that he’s moved on.

And, well, Morgan was a kid. She was born in an empty world, told stories of people that she never should have met and now faced with the world doubling and not understanding any of it. Peter Parker was just a character is bedtime stories and now he’s a ghost who wants her home. She used to cry whenever Peter is around and still tries to hide behind people’s legs. 

God, he hated being this kid. Never wanted to be the one who envied others. Before- when it was still just May and Peter, he didn’t feel this gnawing inside him, while they didn’t have much Peter still had someone who fit all the rolls he needed. He hated being jealous, he didn’t feel this when he used to look at anyone who had two living parents.

He shouldn’t be here. Not in this room, which came decorated with everything Peter had loved before he died- and not alive. He didn’t fit. Not into this family who struggles with the idea he’s alive and not on this planet where the world is still mourning the people who came back. 

“Are you coming downstairs?” Harley asked.

Peter can’t be here. He had no right.

“I have a taxi coming to get me.” 

That wasn’t a lie. Something he scheduled last night at some point, between the tears and holding his breath. Peter didn’t think anyone would be awake at this time, Sunday’s were always the day that everyone slept in and Peter could just be alone outside of his room.  Sometimes he would just sit in the living room and other times he’d wander around the property, often ending up by the lake. By the time everyone would start waking up Peter would be back in his room with some breakfast and try not to bother anyone. 

“Okay, well it’s fathers day, so I think they might be expecting your presence in some form. We have plans and all that.” 

Of course they do. They always make plans where Peter only finds out the day before or day of. Maybe Peter has plans. They could consider that. Okay, maybe Peter never really has any plans, nothing more than trying to understand this new world. And maybe he didn’t make the active effort to find where he fit in this home, but he is the child and it shouldn’t really be up to him. Harley probably didn’t have to engage with the adults first. Tony and Pepper more than likely got input from Harley on their plans. 

With a sigh Peter nodded. “I’ll cancel the taxi.”

“Cool! I’ll tell everyone you’ll be down soon.”

Harley made sure to give a big smile, before heading downstairs, a bounce in each step he took. Peter really hated Harley for his happiness. 

Taking a moment after canceling the taxi, Peter tried to pull himself together. He forced a smile and pulled his shoulders back. All that needs to be done is sit and nod, occasionally laugh. Pay no mind to the way Morgan looks at him in fear, and don’t see the look of mourning on Tony and Pepper’s face. He needs to not remember Harley’s family alone in Tennessee. 

He went down the stairs and followed the noise to the kitchen. There was laughter and the sounds of dishes clinking against one another. It smelt of pancakes and cinnamon and hash browns and coffee. Standing here Peter could close his eyes and pretend this was seven years in the past, with him and May and Ben. He could imagine Ben making the food and singing along to the radio with May dancing along as she sets the table. But this wasn’t 2016, this was 2023. Instead it was a finished family forced to bring him in, a harsh reminder that he doesn’t belong.

Peter stepped into the kitchen, Pepper was just finishing up breakfast and Harley was setting the table. Morgan was sitting on Tony’s lap whispering into her fathers ear. Food was laid out ready to be served, with orange juice, iced tea and coffee all in their own pitchers waiting to be poured. He moved through the room, trying to not to intrude before sitting down at the table. It didn’t take much longer for Pepper and Harley to sit down as well, Tony moving Morgan into her proper chair. 

Everyone around Peter fell into easy conversation while he stayed silent, trying to focus on his food instead of the way Morgan was starring daggers at him. They talked about their favourite family vacations and laughed at their own jokes. Peter couldn’t help but feel like he was actually sitting out on the porch. This family had five years together, five years of memories and laughter, of love and pain, and Peter wasn’t apart of any of it. He wasn’t a part of any family, his own buried and far too dead.

“Peter, what about you? Did you have any Father’s Day traditions?” 

Hearing Harley address Peter pulled him back to this world, and welcomed in his deep rooted desire to have his family back. Harley had two families now and he left one completely. Abandoned them when they came back to life. And Morgan was sitting here glaring at Peter completely oblivious to the fact that she has her entire family and how privileged she was for it.

“Well I don’t have any memories of my parents, so I don’t think there were any traditions with them. The only people I could ask about that are now dead. Unless you consider going to the cemetery to go visit your dead father you can’t remember a father’s day tradition, then no.”

The entire table stopped eating, all sounds coming to a complete end. Everyone stayed still as if Peter was some volatile bomb that would explode if anyone nearby breathed too hard. He could feel his jaw clench, as he tried to breathe in and out. It wasn’t working.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I not bring up my very dead family? Was that inappropriate to say that my father is dead I have no memories? My absolute bad! Next time I’ll consider how uncomfortable it makes everyone here. I mean jeez, Harley has a whole family in Tennessee he hasn’t seen since they reappeared. You’ve got two whole families to choose from, Harls! What an accomplishment. And Morgan, well she’s older than I was when my parents died, so she’s definitely on the right track. And wow, I got a whole second set of parents out of May and Ben. Which was great until I watched Ben die. Until I die and find out while my death was temporary, May’s wasn’t. Whenever I want to be with my family I have to go all the way back to Queens and visit the cemetery. But you all just live in the same house. So genuinely, I’m sorry for not considering your emotions about my dead family.”

“Peter...” Tony whispered, reaching his one hand out to Peter.

Peter shook his head, pulling away, he didn’t want to see the empty eyes starring back at him. He didn’t want to acknowledge the way Tony looks at him with regret and how Pepper looks at him like he’s lost. He didn’t want to see how the three that lived through both snaps always held pain in their eyes. And Peter most certainly didn’t want to see Morgan, who had no idea how lucky she is, that she was born never knowing loss.

Peter didn’t want to see a family who was pulled together in a time of pain. He wanted to see his family. Peter wanted to look across the table and see Ben and May throwing little balls of napkins at each other. He wanted to be Harley and be able to go home and see his family whenever he wants. He wanted to be Morgan and do science experiments with his parents. Peter wanted the one thing he didn’t have, something that Harley and Morgan had an abundance of.

“I don’t have a family anymore. I never got to say goodbye to May. I would give up the rest of my life to see them again. And you guys just can’t understand that. You have you family. You get to see them whenever you want. I can’t ever see mine again. I can never go home. They’re gone.”

After all, Peter was just a ghost, another person who returned, who had been dead for too long. He didn’t belong in a world of survivors. Peter was just another person long gone who no longer fits into the world around him.

-

Taglist: Ask/DM to be added

@peter-is-a-bean @jean-and-diet-coke @dead-inside-pt2 @they-were-cloudsinmycoffee @parkersjiggle @7peternotparker7 @thatonecrackheadshipper @kevinthewoman @faline4you @lynxshinon @narutoyaoifan @pastelwheeler @thecrazymarvelfan @bonjour-gays @thebestqueenoftheworld

[drummergirl231-2]

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day 2020!

To me, true awareness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. I still don’t mind the word “awareness,” since most people, even people who think they’re spreading Autism awareness, aren’t totally aware of what it is or what it’s like. But I also love calling it Autism Acceptance Day, because that’s what we need more than anything. 

To spread some awareness, I’d like to address some misconceptions about Autism and share some other thoughts I wish people knew/understood.

1. Autists/Aspies do not lack empathy. 

I found this thing and it explains it super well so I’ll just leave it here:

Imagine a scenario where you say something totally innocent and it triggers the person you’re talking to. They start flying off the handle at you and you don’t know why. But because they’re angry, you are, too. But since you don’t know why they’re angry, you don’t know why you’re angry, either. It’s crazy overwhelming and confusing. And you want to fix whatever you did because you don’t want this other person to be angry or hurt, but you don’t know how, because their all-consuming rage makes it really hard to think and try to put yourself in their shoes. Also, you’re scared on top of it all.

That’s what having high affective and compassionate empathy and low cognitive empathy is like. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we care too much, and all the super specific nuances of socializing are things we have to learn one at a time, through either our mistakes or others’ mistakes. These things don’t come naturally to us, but it’s not like we can’t learn. If I were to compare math to socializing, it’s like you all have calculators or other doohickeys to do all the math for you and we just have paper and a pencil... and no eraser. 

2. Autism is not a mental illness to be “cured.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ALL FOR people finding ways to help us be able to deal with the world better, whether that’s a better diet, items to block out sensory stimuli or items that stimulate, or counselling that can help us navigate social situations and talk through anxiety and/or depression. But those things don’t “cure,” us because Autism isn’t a disease or something wrong with us. Autism gives us different challenges, sure, but neutotypicals have their own challenges. 

The symptoms typically associated with “low-functioning,” Autism don’t necessarily have to be a part of Autism. Many non-verbal kids grow up to be verbal. That doesn’t mean they stopped being autistic. There was a celebrity mom years ago who claimed to “cure” her son’s Autism with a gluten-free dairy-free diet. He’d been so trapped in his head, he couldn’t engage with the world around him. She altered his diet and one day he laughed at Spongebob, and that was a turning point. He became able to interact with people and react to things on TV. It was a huge breakthrough. But he was still autistic. If you were to have plopped me down on a rug as a toddler next to a toddler like this celebrity’s son before his altered diet, you wouldn’t think I was autistic at all by comparison. But I was, and I am.

Autism is a different neurological blueprint, and yes, brain-healthy diets and detoxes can do wonders for us because it seems like our brain type does make us more susceptible to negative effects from neurotoxins. But if you think someone has lost their Autism just because “the bad parts,” went away... no. That’s not how it works.

3. Not everyone is “a little autistic.” 

When I was newly diagnosed and trying to process it, someone told me something along the lines of, there there, we’re all a little autistic. But that’s not true. There are a lot of traits associated with this brain type, and yes, a neurotypical person can have a few of them. That doesn’t make them a little autistic. To be considered autistic at all, you’d have to have a large number of quirks plus social delays (not associated with excessive technology use), odd or repetitive behaviors, unusual and intense interests, communication struggles, and unusual sensory processing. Suppose you’re white. If you are white, this should be easy to imagine. Say an African American just told you about some of the challenges they’ve faced, whether it’s race-based bullying in school or racial profiling later on. Would it be appropriate to say, “There there, we’re all a little black?” NO. One, it’s false. Two, while all people struggle with stuff because to be human is to struggle sometimes, the struggles of different groups of people are totally different, and you can’t say you know exactly what it’s like or pretend everyone’s the same. We all have equal dignity and worth, but beyond that, everyone’s different. Don’t pretend differences don’t exist. Just value them.

4. Autism doesn’t have a “look.”

When I tell people I’m autistic, this is usually what I hear: “Wow! I wouldn’t have guessed! You don’t look autistic.”  ...What does that even mean??? Is it supposed to be a compliment? Because if it’s a compliment I “don’t look autistic,” then that’s kind of an insult to other autistic people. Or do they mean it like, “I don’t believe you’re really autistic because I have a preconceived idea of what an autistic person looks like and you don’t fit the bill so I’m not going to give you grace if you act weird?” I don’t know. Y’all say weird things too, sometimes, ya know? But Autism doesn’t have a look. There is a sort of distant intensity in our gaze sometimes... and I can legit see it when Jim Parsons plays Sheldon Cooper, but when I see an interview with him as himself, it’s gone. It’s not a fixed feature of our faces, and a talented NT could totally put it on.

5. Autism presents itself differently in boys and girls.

You know how not a lot of people know the symptoms of heart attacks in women because mainly people only talk about what a heart attack is like for men? It’s kinda like that with Autism, too. Typically when you hear about Autism, you’re hearing about the signs and symptoms in boys. Even most pediatricians only know to look for the way it presents in boys, which is how so many girls don’t get a diagnosis until later in life, if ever.  One difference is that, for whatever reason, girls tend to be better at nonverbal communication and taking hints. We’re mimics. Chameleons. We take on the mannerisms of those around us and who we see on TV as we force ourselves to adapt. Verbal boys might speak at unusual volumes or with an unusual voice, rhythm, or cadence, but verbal girls learn to mimic the speech patterns of others. Our special interests/obsessions aren’t typically seen as strange given our age and sex. For example, a six-year-old autistic boy might be fascinated by WWII. I was interested in fetal development. People thought, “What’s so weird about that? She’s a little girl who loves babies.” We often play with Barbies or other dolls long after our peers have stopped. It helps autistic girls process social situations. When I was shamed out of liking Barbies, I started writing stories in notebooks or in my head. Autistic boys usually struggle with social communication from an early age, but autistic girls usually don’t have any major communication struggles until adolescence, when relationships, platonic or romantic, get way more complicated.  Since little autistic girls can mimic their neurotypical peers, and since some doctors only know how to look for Autism in boys, we tend to fly under the radar, causing that huge gender gap in diagnoses.

6. Mental illness is common with Autism, but NOT part of it.

I read an article by an autist in the UK who struggles to get help for his anxiety or depression because therapists have brushed him off, saying “Well, that’s just part of being Autistic, so it can’t be helped.” NO! Just like neurotypicals can be mentally healthy or unhealthy, Autistic people can be mentally healthy or unhealthy. Just because something is common for us doesn’t mean it’s how it’s supposed to be, or that it’ll always be that way, or that it’s part of who we are and we need to embrace it. People with mental illnesses should be embraced (literally or figuratively, depending on what they’re comfortable with). Mental illnesses should not be embraced. Ever. Because autistic kids and adults often face abuse, bullying, discrimination, and are ostracized, anxiety (especially social anxiety) and depression are common for us. In more serious cases, especially in autistic teens and young adults, dissociative disorders can develop. What’s worse, it doesn’t take much looking to find the dark corners of the internet where people, autistic or not, are encouraged to embrace their developing dissociative thoughts and feelings. I once saw an interview with someone who found healing from a dissociative disorder, and she gets emails every day from others with the same disorder she had who regret some of the things they were talked into doing while living with the condition and  who want to find the healing she did. She said many of them are autistic and under the age of twenty-five. Autistic people with mental illnesses shouldn’t be talked into believing their mental illnesses are a part of them, or not mental illnesses at all, or something to celebrate and cling to. I reject the notion we should have to settle for being ill in any way. We deserve to be as healthy and whole as anyone else, and it makes me sick there are so many internet predators preying on us in this way, and that there are therapists who think Autism and mental illness has to be a packaged deal.

7. If LGBT people were treated the way autistic people are by the media, it’d lead to outrage. But it seems like no one is outraged on our behalf.

We’ve seen the news stories, haven’t we? A couple invites the news over to their house, upsetting their autistic child who then has a meltdown, the meltdown is filmed and aired, and the parents are just like, “This is what our life is like because of Autism. And it sucks. Pity us.”

There was one video I saw... I’m just so enraged by it, even after two years. A mother was praised for her open honesty as she vilified her autistic son and complained about how he ruined her life and how hard it is to go out and have people stare. I’m sorry, hard for WHO??? I don’t even want to go into the details. I know only sharing this much doesn’t make it sound like that bad of a video, it’s just... ugh. Guys. It’d be a whole separate post. I can’t deal with it right now. 

If parents went on the news after their kid came out to them as gay, and wept and begged for pity and said some of the things this woman said of her autistic son (wondering what she did wrong that made her deserve this or that led to this or saying she doesn’t believe in God but finds herself praying anyway that God’ll “fix him”), America would call them the worst parents ever. But parents of autistic kids who do this are praised for their openness and vulnerability as they publicly shame their child.

Another time, after a mass shooting carried out by a teenage boy, the news reported that he was autistic and that might have contributed to the attack (there they go, combining mental illness with Autism as one and the same again).

If a pedophile were arrested, and they said on the news, “And we just got word that he’s gay, so that may be why,” there’d be a riot. But the news can pin autists as mass murderers and no one bats an eye!

All of May last year working at a clothing store, I watched as various departments filled up with pride t-shirts to get ready for June, and I couldn’t help but think,

Where were the Autism acceptance t-shirts in March to get ready for April?

I probably shouldn’t be so surprised with the media painting us as life-ruiners and life-enders. 

I know it’s a vile and disgusting thing for me to be jealous of LGBT people in this way, especially since they have their own struggles, too. I just wish society had our backs and celebrated us instead of wanting us “fixed,” for their own convenience, ya know?

8. Almost all of us hate Autism Speaks, and those who don’t are probably just new. XD

I used to be all “Light it up blue!” as well (even though that seemed weird to me, given blue lights might be overwhelming to some people on the spectrum). But then I read something on their site that made me feel really betrayed, and down the line, I learned most autistic people hate them... some because they saw them say the opposite of what I saw they said. Basically we all have different opinions but Autism Speaks spouts whatever information their donors want them to (sellouts), and that donated money doesn’t go towards helping us, but toward more fundraising or research on how to prevent people with our brain type. I guess they’re not fond of the artistic and scientific advancements we bring to the table. They should change those puzzle pieces from blue or multi-colored to white with black specks because they want a world that’s vanilla. 

9. Some of us still like the puzzle pieces, even if we hate Autism Speaks.

I’ve talked about this in a fanfic, but I’d love it if we could redeem the puzzle pieces, because they’re still a good analogy if you assign a different meaning. Autists and NTs are puzzling to each other, no sense denying that, but the more time we spend together, the more we start to understand each other. Also, Autism does have a lot of pieces, and figuring out I was autistic was like solving the puzzle of my life. The missing pieces came together and things became clearer and made more sense. Also also, some autistic people are really good at puzzles. And then there are autists like me who aren’t necessarily good at puzzles, but get totally absorbed in working on them anyway (my parents have been doing some puzzles during the quarantine lol they’re traps! TRAPS I SAY!!!).

Nevertheless, I understand why other autistis don’t like the puzzle pieces and prefer the rainbow infinity symbol, and I quite like it, too. It’s very pretty, and the way the colors fade together is a nice symbol of how it’s a spectrum.

It’s a sign of the infinite possibilities in our lives when we’re empowered, because we can do and have done good and great things in the world.

[wastelandcrown]

logan lark’s adventures in trying to appease his parents

CHAPTER 1: anybody have a map?

Summary: Logan Lark is a fairly average high school student. By all means, he should be impressing his parents on all grounds. Except...he doesn’t exactly have a social life. So after his parents give him puppy dog eyes, he decides to join the local theatre's youth production. Good grief...His life is about to get weird isn’t it?

Warning: Potential ooc behavior, Roman is a theatre brat to the highest degree (Sorry Roman stans)

Notes: This fic is based off an idea from @under-the-blue-moonlight who very graciously let me use it! I’ve made a couple changes, mostly surrounding Virgil’s involvement and I gave Logan performance anxiety because I thought it would be neat. There will be warnings on the chapters that have potentially triggering talk.

Pairings: Eventual Intrulogical, Eventual Rociet, Eventual One-Sided Logicality, Platonic Analogical, Platonic DRLAMP 

Word Count: 2584

There he stands, at the precipice of his own destruction. By all accounts, it is fair to say that Logan is blowing this out of proportion. Wildly. Though he was doing much more than adequately in school, had a fairly stable mental health, and was better than most teenagers in regards to his physical well-being and room upkeep, it apparently wasn’t enough. Don’t misunderstand, his parents were in no way vindictive or cruel. Just...positive. Overtly so. In a way that made Logan cringe. How he, a man of logic and science, was ever made from these two extremely lovey-dovey saps, we will never know. Despite all his successes his parents still encouraged him to partake in activities with his peers. ‘Oh Logan, why don’t you join the school football team?’ ‘Logan, wouldn’t it be nice to make some friends at the local animal shelter?’ ‘Why are you always by yourself? Wouldn’t it be nice to make some friends?’ No, it would not. Not for him. Other people are stupid, especially teenagers. His whole life was planned on the cork board above his desk, and there was nothing important enough to make him deviate from his goal. 

To him, at least. To his parents, his social life being active was figuratively their number one priority. He’s been hoping for a calm dinner with his mother and father, he even enjoyed it most nights. He and his mother would discuss new things going on at the schools they respectively learnt and taught at. His father would discuss his work managing the popular local theatre. Discussing his father’s work tonight was a mistake.

“You know, Logan,” His father begins, and he knows where this is going, “The youth production is going to be starting up again soon.”

His mother smiles, taking his father's hand, “Loganberry, we think it would be good for you to join. You’re in your second year of high school and you don’t even talk to the kids in your class!”

“Mother, please try and understand, I really don’t think it’s necessary for me to find friends. I don’t enjoy having acquaintances, let alone having close personal friends.”

“Logan-” His father starts again but his mother pats his hand, and he quiets. 

She smiles at him and reaches across the table to put a hand on his cheek in a caring motherly gesture. 

“I know you don’t like other kids dear, but...think about it this way! It could be a fun experiment!”

Logan pauses, leaning into his mother’s touch, and nodding to show he’s listening. 

His mother started again, “You can gather data on a lot of different kinds of people, and then find out who you most enjoy hanging out with so that...in your...career…” 

Even though she’s trying, she stumbles, and his father picks up the slack, “So that in your career, you can find the people who you think are easiest to work with and be more efficient that way!” 

He knows what they’re doing. They’re buttering him up with some flimsy science experiment and explaining their position with a strange metaphor. But when both his parents are smiling at him like that...he can’t bring himself to say no to them. When he looks at them like this, he suddenly remembers how similar he looks to each of them. His mother’s dark brown hair, His father’s icy blue eyes, the glasses that sit snugly on both their faces...They smile at him so brightly that he just can’t say no to them. 

“Fine. I will do it, just this once.”

His parents erupt into literal cheers. He finds it a tad too much, but as long as they are happy he supposes he can put up with socialization and scheduling conflicts for a few months. 

That’s how he ended up at the theatre with his father at eight in the morning, on a Sunday in July. If it were his choice, he would be eating Crofter’s by the spoonful and reading some classic literature. Instead, he’s here. His father did get them both coffee, however. So he stands there awkwardly, nursing the cup that’s gone lukewarm, and he starts to feel nauseous. As he follows his father, he can hear the other kids. They’re loud. Too loud. Logan is going to hate this, he already hates this. He’s overthinking a bit, eyes trained to the floor when he accidentally trips. He’s bracing to be smacked in the face by the floor and his coffee when someone taller than him places a hand on his chest and props him back up. 

“Hi there!” Says the smiling man, who is tall with brown hair and brown eyes. He looks very kind and is wearing a Steven Universe t-shirt. 

“I-I apologize for that, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Logan manages to stammer out. Had he been this nervous the whole time? He takes a deep breath and tries to get a grip. 

“Oh, no problem!” The man nods to his dad, “Hey, Edward! This is Logan?”

“Yes, he is! He’s usually a little more focused, though.” Edward nudges Logan with a smirk, and Logan has to nod and concede. He’s right, of course. He is usually more focused. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Logan! I’m Thomas Sanders, I’m the head on the performance department here! Your dad’s been talking you up for weeks, you’re going to fit right in.”

With these words, Logan feels himself flush a little. Leave it to his father to talk him up for no good reason. He had never even been in a performance before! 

“Uhm-Yes. Thank you-” Logan begins and is cut off by a large crash.

Thomas lets out a deep sigh and turns, motioning for Logan to follow. His dad gives him a big smile and a double thumbs-up, Logan gives him a small and tired smile in return. He wishes desperately he had refused his parents the second he enters the auditorium. On stage, an adult in an orange beanie is reprimanding a boy dressed like he just crawled out of the mosh pit of a rave. The boy is laughing maniacally as off to his side, a nearly identical boy in a strangely put together outfit is pouting and crying crocodile tears. Logan makes a note to steer clear of the neon-garbage-rave kid. 

“What did you do now, Remus?” Thomas asks with a sigh, as the kid points off stage and cackles. 

“Remus started this year off by glue-and-feathering Roman’s make-up bag.” The adult in the beanie says, and Logan looks shocked. They’re certainly going to kick this guy out, right? Right!? 

“Remus...Dude…” Thomas grimaces, making his way over to who Logan assumes is Roman and supportively patting his shoulder. 

“What!?” Remus nearly shouts through his laughing, “It was funny!”

“It was not!” Roman cries with such an intense amount of drama. 

This only makes Remus laugh more. 

He’s watching so intently that he doesn’t notice that someone has entered and is standing next to him. 

“Oh, Hello.” He politely mutters, turning to look at the person. He’s shorter than he is, and definitely a lot bouncier. Even at eight am, he looks joyful. His eyes are a lighter blue than his, and his head is a mess of blonde curls. He also has round-ish tortoiseshell glasses. He isn’t unpleasant to look at, aside from the fact that he’s wearing cargo shorts and socks with sandals. 

“Hi! Don’t worry about them, Remus does something like that every year! He likes a-uh...fun start!” The kid starts talking, and even his voice is joyful and bubbly. 

“I’m Patton Foster, it’s nice to meet you!” Patton offers Logan a hand, which he takes and gives a firm shake. 

“Logan Lark. Is it typically this rambunctious, or does it calm over time?” 

Patton looks down, a little sheepish, then offers Logan a smile, “It’s always like this. Sorry!”

“It’s not a problem. I’ll just need to adapt to my circumstances.” As he says this he knows that it is going to be an especially arduous task. 

Pointing to his cup, Patton starts speaking again, “Is your coffee getting cold? We have a microwave backstage if you want me to warm it up for you!” 

The offer is sweet and genuine, so he lets Patton take the cup and run off behind the curtains. If he’s going to be here, he should start on that experiment, so he thinks. Patton seems sweet, potentially too sweet. It may be a ruse, but if his behavior is genuine Logan thinks he might be able to get by in his interactions with him. At least he’ll be able to send him off to do polite tasks if he ever needs to. 

Returning with his coffee reheated, Patton is nearly bouncing on his heels. Throughout the early morning, Patton drags Logan around and Logan realizes the bouncing is just how Patton is. He scoots by as Thomas introduces the staff. The person in the orange beanie, Joan, is the stage manager. Stood quietly beside them is a darkly dressed kid who only acknowledges the audience with a nod, his name is apparently Virgil Storm and he is running lights and sound for the show. Logan wishes desperately he could be up there on that stage. Not because he’s decided he wants to be here, but because he wishes he had known tech was an option. Damn his father for making him act. There are only about twenty kids in the audience, and by the time Thomas is done explaining the rules and conduct, the time is reaching noon. When Thomas announces that the production they will be putting on is called “Hamilton” and is a musical, the others begin to cheer wildly. Now, Logan has no clue what Hamilton sounds like, but he knows it is about the Founding Fathers. Musicals have never interested him, and especially not one about men who owned slaves and were all hoity-toity. He’s heard of it, of course. His father talks about how it revolutionized musical theatre, but Logan has never been interested enough to ask any further questions. As everyone is buzzing, he turns to Patton and taps him on the shoulder. 

“Is that a good thing?” Patton looks a little puzzled and goes to answer before he hears an offended gasp from behind him. 

“A good thing!? Is Lin-Manuel Miranda’s pride and joy, the musical that revolutionized musical theatre, the Emmy Award-Winning show Hamilton any good!?” Roman gawks at him and sputters like he’s never heard something so blasphemous in his life.

“I have no interest in musical theatre, therefore I was asking to gain clarity.” Perhaps saying this is a mistake because there are many gasps from other students, and Logan is pretty sure someone yells ‘Sexy!’

Roman snaps at him loudly and rises from his seat, “Why are you even here then!? You look like a nerd!”

“Roman!” Patton stands up and now Logan is cornered between them, “Don’t be rude!”

“Wha-Well I’m sorry that I’m confused as to why he’s here if he doesn’t even know about Hamilton!” He steps closer, cornering Logan even more.

Then he stands, “My father enjoys musical theatre and asked me to join, I don’t see what the issue is with my joining but if it truly perturbs you I suppose I will take my leave.”

He’s really grateful for this opportunity to abandon the theatre, and he turns to try and leave and ends up nearly chest to chest with Patton. 

“Hey now! There’s room enough for everyone here Logan!” Patton says brightly, and from the stage, Thomas nods. 

“Patton is right, Roman. We welcome everyone to try their hand at theatre, so please sit down so I can let you all go have lunch.” Thomas looks exasperated as Roman sits with a huff, followed by Patton and Logan.

On the stage, Thomas continues to explain what they will be doing, and then they’re being released to lunch with the goal of listening to the musical and beginning to practice their audition material. 

Logan manages to slink away from Patton, who had started talking to Roman about being nicer to the newbies or something. He had forgotten to bring lunch, which was probably fine. He’d just have to go and find his father and ask for some money. Pushing the auditorium door open, Logan finally notices he has attracted someone’s gaze. He makes eye contact with a glaring boy in a bright yellow hoodie, and he nods. The guy looks away and Logan shrugs him off. The front desk happily calls his father, who comes and brings him some money for the lobby vending machines and promises to buy him something more filling on the way home. This would severely throw off his new healthier diet, but he caves. After this day he would probably need some disgustingly greasy fast food to make him feel a little better. After the stunt with Roman, he’s not sure he’s going to go unnoticed. He buys a bottle of water and a granola bar from the vending machine and decides to sit at one of the lobby chairs to avoid the others. As he turns to find a space to sit, a voice from beside the vending machine makes him jump. 

“You’re not going to fuck up the show, are you?” The voice says, and Logan turns to find the same kid who was glaring at him before. From up close, he’s around the same size as Logan. His eyes are green-brown heterochromic, his hair is messy and brown, and one side of his face has vitiligo in a pattern that looks eerily similar to a reptile’s scales. He is glaring Logan down and he can’t help but feel a little intimidated.

“I don’t plan on it, no. Just because I am here against my will does not mean that I am going to attempt to make the show disreputable in any way.” He tries to say this confidently and he thinks he succeeds when the boy grins and offers him a hand. 

“Janus Devine.”

“Logan Lark.” And then he stops, and realizes he recognizes the origins of that name,“Are you by any chance named after the Greek god of doorways?”

Janus blinks, seemingly not expecting that reaction, “Shit-Yeah-How did you even know that?”

“I pride myself on being well-read.” Logan adjusts his tie as he says it and Janus gives a little chuckle. 

“Very good to know.” Someone yells from down the hall, and Janus rolls his eyes at the noise, “How would you like to come to join me and my...friends this afternoon?”

“It would probably be of good use to me.” He replies with a small shrug of his shoulders. Hopefully, these friends are nicer than that Roman fellow, but not as nice as Patton. 

“Oh no, it’s going to be totally useless. We aren’t going to get anything done.” Deadpans Janus and Logan just stares at him a little confused.

“That was sarcasm, specks.” His counterpart tacks on when he sees the confusion on his face. 

“Oh, right” 

All he can do now is follow Janus as he walks down the hallway towards the loud group of people. Logan follows behind and watches Janus’ movement. He walks so confidently that it’s almost like sauntering, but it’s too slow. Too smooth. It’s like slithering. 

Taking a deep breath, he prepares himself for whatever horrible experiences await.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m literally in love with the way you write Dick and Jason’s dynamic

Thanks, glad to hear that! Personal preferences aside, I honestly do think it just opens up SO many more potential stories if you go with the idea that they did have a brotherly relationship before Jason died, just they didnt get together around Bruce because Dick was still hoping Bruce would make the first move in reaching out to him. Rather than just stick with the usual assumption that because it wasn’t seen on the page, they had barely any interactions and both resented each other for various reasons.

But those reasons all trace back to Bruce, and if you look at them as two people who are united by the common experience of being fish out of water, adapting to the same environment after coming from DRAMATICALLY different origins, able to connect over that and understand each other in a way nobody else really can because nobody else has ever really had to straddle two worlds as definitively as Dick and Jason had to in their formative years....

Like, the big sticking point for me in the Dick vs Jason: The Grudge theory was just that....at the end of the day, these are two boys who grew up with very few loved ones to start with, or having had to deal with the loss of those loved ones.....

But one way or another......are these two specific characters really ones that make sense as wanting to reject the possibility of more family?

They’re connected through Bruce, like it or not, that was never going to change even from before they ever met......and the idea that Dick Grayson and Jason Todd would each be content to waste literal YEARS never even TRYING to connect with the person who was probably most like him and who by all accounts was already his brother in most ways just by way of Bruce...not even to see if maybe they COULD actually be brothers? To have family beyond just Bruce and Alfred? 

Me @ every fic or headcanon that says Dick had Only Child Syndrome and resented Jason because of that: right because Dick Grayson of all people is anti-family. He’s full up with that one guy whose legal guardianship of him has been expired for a couple years and who he hasn’t spoken to since long before then.....nah, why would he want any more or any other family beyond that?

I mean, I absolutely believe that Dick was upset and hurt that Bruce adopted Jason while he’d never even offered to adopt Dick......but Dick has never been one to pass around blame instead of focusing it on its true point of origin. That’s his and Bruce’s issue. And honestly, there are TONS of reasons for Dick to be upset about that, without making it about Jason at all. 

There’s literally no reason for Dick to take it out on Jason ever, if his biggest issue or grievance is that like....it feels like Bruce was just so done with Dick and considered him so out of his life, something like “just added a new kid to the family” didn’t seem like relevant information he should pass on to Dick despite the tenseness between them. When you have to find out from the NEWS that your old family unit just full on up and adopted this kid you’ve never heard of before now without even so much as a phone call.....there’s plenty of cause to feel like this is a message that you’re not really considered part of that family unit anymore, so why would you need to know?

Or like, the fact that Bruce didn’t consider hey I’m thinking of adding another kid to my family that consists of me and the kid I’m so afraid to tell I think of him as a son in case he doesn’t feel the same way, that I’ve sat back and let things get this bad between us and fester.....hey maybe before I issue adoption papers for a second kid, I should think about putting in an equivalent effort at fixing things with my first kid first?

Or why not write Bruce thinking: “Hey if I can’t even fix things with the kid I raised for almost a decade and think of as my own no matter how long its been since I talked to him.....what on Earth makes me think I’m qualified to take on a SECOND child?”

Like....Bruce was the one who held all the power and all the options, Dick had no other option but to go along with whatever Bruce decided Bruce was going to do, and neither did Jason really.....so there’s no real reason in my head that should be a point of contention between them or a reason to resent each other instead of just stressing to them the importance of having significant family ties beyond just Bruce because history clearly showed even at that point that best intentions aside, the man is fallible.

If anything, that should have been common ground!

I think there was like, an initial negative reaction of maybe one night, the first time they met and Dick even though he was prepared for it still had to adjust to the reality of actually seeing this stranger he was irrevocably connected to now by both his names, even if neither was technically his anymore....like to actually SEE him standing there in his old role....that’s gonna hit anybody hard.

But he also would have clearly been able to see that whatever else he may have been, this twelve year old Robin was still a kid, and one who hadn’t had a lot of time to ever be a kid in the first place.....which again, instant camaraderie, because boy could Dick relate.....remember, Dick may have had a happy childhood with his parents before they were murdered but it was also a childhood where he WORKED. He loves being an acrobat, he loved being in the show, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t WORK, that his childhood didn’t consist of training as long and as regularly as any adult acrobat while everyone else his age was running around playing outside and making friends. And after Bruce took Dick in, most of Dick’s free time was spent being Robin, training as Robin, etc?

Which IMO would have made him take one look at this kid in his old costume, literally standing where he had once stood, stepping into his old shoes.....and I think Dick’s real honest reaction once he brushed aside any kneejerk feeling of pain or bitterness the way he brushes aside all the physical pain he feels when out as Nightwing but refuses to let get in the way of him doing what he has to, doing what’s right....

Nah, Dick would have taken one look at this tiny kid full of fire and bravado but also so clearly eager to please, to be praised, to be told he was doing a good job and even without that he was worth something, his life had value, the world was better just because he existed......

And I think Dick’s bitterness about the situation would have crystallized into him resentfully thinking well B’s not exactly the best about dishing out affection or praise so I’m gonna make sure this little Mini-Me standing there in my old colors looking just as young and small as I must have looked then even if I didn’t realize it at the time....I’m gonna make sure I keep him supplied with a steady diet of “Nice Words and Gestures That Kids Should Grow Up Receiving Regularly.”

Dick has always been a firm believer that the best way to make sure something gets done is to do it yourself.

So yeah, I honestly do think that back during those days, Dick and Jason were thick as thieves when their schedules allowed for it, with it being simultaneously painful and unspoken that they had to like....work around Bruce’s presence so Dick could avoid him, but somewhat softened by the challenge and thrill of two brothers scheming to pull one over on the Big Bad Batdad every time the older brother wanted to take the little brother to go somewhere or do something, like, even just to spoil him rotten.

Cuz really....isn’t that a lot more interesting than ‘oh they barely ever even met back then and it wasn’t great, that’s it, the end’? There’s so much you could do with even just that, from them sneaking Jason out for a fun adventure that’s layered with just a hint of poignant angst because of the unspoken why of him needing to sneak out instead of them just saying hey Bruce, we need some bro time, Jason’s hanging with me this weekend? Or you dial up the angst and layer it with lightness or literally anything between those two points on a spectrum.

There’s so much Secret History potential buried back in those years....adventures they had together and never told anyone about, secrets shared between brothers they never shared elsewhere.....maybe Dick opening up to Jason more than he usually likes to, but here felt it might be the only way to get Jason to do the same, with Dick thus offering up some painful tidbit from his past that he never told even Bruce or Alfred for some reason, if he thinks Jason’s upset about something and needs to vent but will just keep insisting he’s fine unless Dick leads by example and goes first.

There’s so much potential for in-jokes that only the two of them know and everyone else is ENDLESSLY curious about, because everyone always forgets that those two have so much history because it was literally kept out of sight, out of mind, so they could keep it free of the friction that was bound to come of adding Bruce to the mix before their father cleared the air with his eldest first.

So its an easy thing to forget about or overlook, especially since it rarely comes up....but everytime it does rear its head via some private joke only they know or a reference to some event back then that everyone else is kept boxed out of having any context for....that’s the kind of stuff that would drive a family of detectives craszy, because they want to know! What’s the joke??

And yet its likely they’d never ask, because as curious as they are to hear about the mysterious missing years of the first two Wayne children, back when there was literally nobody else present to ask for details.....they never can figure out HOW to ask those questions, not when they’re equally aware of the swiftly hidden expressions of pain or bitterness that flash across the two eldests’ faces after each unearthing of some long-buried treasure they shared between them. Unable to ever escape the fact that each of those treasured moments would forever be followed with an inevitable reminder of why there were so few of those moments, in the end. 

Why those years ended far earlier than they should have, and why their reunion upon Jason’s return was hindered and complicated by Dick’s obligation to other siblings Jason hurt while dealing with Pit after-effects and the lack of a strong support system while swayed to League sympathies...

And of course, ultimately there’s the reality that after the Adventures of Young Dick and Tiny Jason were cancelled far ahead of schedule, and that several year long intermission....by the time everything else was gotten out of the way, the stars of those earlier adventures were as long gone as the adventures themselves. Dick and Jason were both entirely different people by now.....still containing within each of them enough of who they were back then that those memories are kept carefully protected and hidden away, all the more valuable for how few and sparse they are, and how rarely they’re brought out to look at and enjoy.....

But with those vaults buried deeply enough within who Dick and Jason both are these days, that there’s a lot of blood and loss and pain you have to cut through just to reach that vault. There’s no retrieving anything from it without a cost. A cost worth paying, given that they can’t help themselves from calling back to it every now and then, even though they know the inevitable result is going to be end negative and not end positive. But still high enough to give them pause before actually doing so....holding back sometimes so the toll is doled out sparingly and over time. Getting greedy and trying to bring out/back/up too much too fast is far more daunting than either can afford to pay at the moment.

So that’s how I like to view the two of them and their dynamic back during and because of those early years before Jason’s death. Bittersweet and shaded by nostalgia.....temptation and warning both, in how much they want to revisit it but how much they fear ruining what they’ve managed to cobble together now by bringing the past too much into the light, comparing past and present too clearly and risking that being reminded too strongly of the brothers they were back then, will just make it impossible to ever be content with anything but that bond replicated in full and they’re not sure it can be, are both too afraid too much has happened since then and trying too hard, putting too much pressure on the dynamic they’ve built now could risk shattering the relative fragile bond completely.

Pretty much everything I write with the two of them, unless I specifically state otherwise via context, is generally written through that lens, with me viewing that as the backstory for their dynamic that I’m running with.

[the-satellite]

Hello friends and welcome to ☆Hateful Nostalgia☆. I was exposed to the mob talker mod WAY too young bc I was an unsupervised child on the internet watching mod showcases and SkyDoesMinecraft. Looking back these sucked, the stories were often bland and the designs were milk toast at best and tits out at worst. So for the sake of procrastinating on working on anything substantial I grabbed the main 6 I remembered and gussied em up. Redesigns, rewrites, better names, all that bullshit. If your interested in better photos, design notes, story details and rambling hit the basement, otherwise here's a line up you should click for better quality.

Also I wrote all this once before already but I deleted it like a dumb bitch. On the night Unus Annus was murdered in front of my eyes no less. Was a rough fuckin night.

The Creeper- Kupa. An explosive pyromaniac with a habit of making empty threats and yelling. She protects what she believes to be her territory with a suicidal passion, but if you manage to get her to cool down and soften up she's pretty sick to hand out with. Hard of hearing, has at least one bout of head trauma at all times, and deathly allergic to cats.

Because the creeper is kinda the og I wanted to reference AT2's design more than the others, but I'm p sure the only thing I actually kept was the red hair and brown gloves. Otherwise I was doing whatever. I really wanted to lean into the explody bit of creepers, so I gave her some bite and dressed her in clothes referenced from Irish railroad workers. This may also be why I keep imaging her with a very heavy Irish or Scottish accent, whichever would be most incomprehensible when angry. Every color but her skin was color picked from one of the references, with some minor alterations for makes my eyes happy reasons.

With Kupa I imagine a story line with her would largely be about her as a character and her development than like an actual adventure narrative like everyone else. She starts off ready to blow up both you and herself in a misguided attempt to defend what she sees as her's and opens up and learns not everyone is out to get her. Lots of time taken to understand her childhood and how she ended up how she is. Very simple, probably the default or tutorial run people would go through.

The Zombie- Bee. The ill husk of a missing explorer suffering from a less than conventional appetite. She wallows in her self imposed loneliness, believing herself to be an irredeemable monster doomed to hurt those around her. What she really needs is a buddy and some clue to who she used to be. Rough voiced, chronically fatigued, and prone to spontaneous combustion in sunlight.

 I definitely consider this one the weakest for design sadly. I imagined Zombies as humans who went into strange caves and caverns and didn't come out for years, only to pop up as completely different people. I just tossed AT2's design. The first thing I did was make her a bit of a genderbent Steve and tinted her green bc Zombies in game are just Steve but green. Tore up her clothes, colored picked the darkest colors I could from the clothes on the in game and boom, Bee. I do vaguely regret not making her eyes pure black but I also still wanted her to be human enough to fit with the other overworld mods.

 Ok so Bee actually has a basic story. When you meet her she's aggressive, but as a warning. She fears the possibility she may hurt somebody so heads for threats immediately. Going back and forth between her cave and village for a while you learn more about the situation with the missing folks who come back and Bee as a person. After a bit you pick her up off her depressed ass and start a nocturnal adventure of refinding your past, adapting to who your becoming, overcoming self destuction, and slow burn babey!!! 

The Skeleton- Ulna. One of the few surviving warriors of a now destroyed kingdom and dead culture. She spends most of her time now traveling alone, hiding in trees and shooting anything see sees as a threat- which is everything- in the face with homemade arrows. Very much suffering from loss of her home and a bad case of lost purpose. A woman of few words, very antisocial, and naturally nocturnal.

 I came in with the Skeleton wanting to make her seem mysterious, so my first thought was immediately a cloak and a mask, but I wanted her face to like be visible so I went with the face paint. I didn't actually know that I wanted to do under there so I went with wraps that are reminiscent of the original outfit but still not tits out bc it's so fucking easy! Gave her a quiver, color picked the cloak and face paint from the in game model and the wraps from AT2'S art. I did like. Subconsciously draw her eyes the way I do Asian characters but I didn't have anything specific in mind so like go nuts with what you think she is.

 Ulna's deal is very much her lack of purpose or home and the entire thing is about finding that again. She's found sitting up in a tree during a storm pointing a bow and arrow into your face. She eventually let's you stick around until the storm is over and theres some bonding into deep night until the rain stops. You ask if she wants to come with on your little travelling sword for hire business, she says sure, sleep schedule shenanigans, backstory angst, and road trip bonding happens and she eventually decides that helping people is her new purpose and you're her new home

The Spider- Park. A young adult experiencing the world for the first time through her tribe's rite of passage. She's really just trying to figure out how to live life outside of the cave she's been stuck in her entire life and aggressively trying to be an independent adult despite not knowing anything about being an independent adult. Its projection. Blind in the daylight, naive and excitable, and taken to refusing help at her own risk.

 Ok so. I don't know who looked at the spider and said "purple haired loli with puffy pants" so I once again yeeted the whole thing, only really keeping the kinda cutesy and childish bits. Spiders are a tribe of humans what live in caves unless they've broken off to live on the surface. Kids are kept inside until they hit a certain milestone, where they come up to explore at night. They're usually small and pale, but are pretty kickass when necessary. Again picked the colors off the in game model, played with the lightest gray for the skin, and bc I couldn't figure out anyway to use the stripes so they're on the patches lol.

 Park's meeting is probably the funniest and most meet cute one here, in that she accidentally drops on top of you from a little cliff drop off. Cue loads of apologies and an explanation about the spider deal and being blind in light. She asks for some help getting around and bam babey friendship and emotional attachment! What follows is kinda a buddy of coming of age story with the obligatory goes home and is miserable scene. Generally it's just about being a scared young adult and having someone to fall back on and why that's important. Also crushes and young people being bad at that.

 The Blaze- Amber. A demonic entity who would let the world burn and the sun die if it meant she'd get her soul back. She's known for being ruthless, taking souls through force instead of making deals like other Blazes. Keeps this forceful nature even once she's become friendly, makes you do dump shit. Territorial, eyes glow and dim with her life, and runs remarkably warm.

 Amber here is the first one I actually did! I was just. Really tired that she was in a bikini. I decided early on I wanted overworld mobs to be human and everyone else was decidedly not, so Blazes are demons who gave up their souls under false pretenses to other Blazes. Because of how little clothes AT2's design wore I had essentially free reign and my thought was immediately to lean on golden knight bc of how Blazes are found protecting fortresses. The gold isn't picked from anything bc I was looser with the colors, but everything else is, and the hair is supposed to represent the smoke. Also the sticks in her hair are blaze rods bc I don't like them just floating around her.

Amber is found in the Nether obviously, protecting a fortress and immediately trying beat your ass and either incinerate you or make you give up your soul. During you prove yourself a p damn good fighter and she makes a deal to show you how Blazes exist and pursade you to give your soul up willingly. Bonding happens and she explains where the souls go and what happened to her. Insert line about how she dug in the sand for her soul until her fingers bleed bc I'm an Arcana freak lol. In general I'd just like her to learn to adapt to who she is now and learning to live life well instead of letting her anger burn her up from the inside out.

 The Enderman- Violet. A confused but sweet young bit of void created by and connected to the Ender Dragon. Her relationship with reality is tenuous at best and abusive at worst, making stable existence rather difficult. She doesn't know a name, age, gender, anything about herself aside from that she likes sweaters. Communicates primarily through psychic connections, docile and sweet, and melts like a witch in water.

 Violet was incredibly easy, so this may be way short. Endermen are decidedly human shaped void from the End with varying sentience. They're direct extensions of the Ender Dragon, and nobody knows how they're made or where they come from, not even they do. Adventurers who escaped The End say they seem scared of it though. Violet in particular is pretty damn new and extraordinary nonconforming, and I tried to show that with her sweater and ponytail. Once again, literally all colors picked. Definitely the simplest but one of my favs.

Violet is the sweetest meet up I think. As your traveling between villages you notice a strange enderman watching you and plant a little flower in front of her. She picks it and you hear a happy little trill come from you and a pretty voice say thank you in your head. Now you have a tall dark teleporting travel buddy! After a little bit of back and forth she tells you in some broken English that the Ender Dragon made her but she doesnt know how, and that it's bad and needs to be killed for the sake of Endermen and that's the new goal. Spoiler they're the corrupted souls of those that died fighting it, with it gone Endermen are free to exist as their own being and do whatever, hurray!

[youremyonlyhope]

Thoughts on the Six of Crows Duology

Maybe it’s because this took place over a much shorter timespan than Shadow and Bone, but I feel like I could pinpoint all the plot points and the timelines of Shadow and Bone better than I can for Six of Crows. When I made my post about SaB, it was easier to remember the order that everything happened. I think that because SoC has multiple chapters covering the same period time from different characters’ perspectives along with lots of flashbacks thrown in, that it’s causing the order of events to be a jumble in my mind.

But anyway, Six of Crows was a dramatic and fun (well... not fun..) heist novel, while Crooked Kingdom made it its personal mission to destroy me emotionally. I loved every second of it but I don’t know when I’ll properly recover.

Obvious spoilers for Six of Crows trilogy, but also the Grishaverse in general. (Most of this was written at the end of June but not posted until now)

So I guess I’ll start with Six of Crows. Maybe I’ll do a paragraph for each part... I’ll probably give up on that pretty quickly but we’ll see.

I love that the series has Inej’s POV be the first of the Crows that we get and then she also gets to be the last POV of the Crows too. If I hadn’t seen season 1 of Shadow and Bone first, I’m not sure how I’d have reacted to Kaz’s ruthlessness or the world of Ketterdam in general. I also knew that the Kanej relationship would be insane amounts of pining and the pain of requited-but-thought-to-be-unrequited love, so I was sort of shocked that in one of the first chapters Kaz changes clothes with Inej in the room and she ponders “Am I the only one he lets get this close?” And he says in that same chapter “my darling Inej, treasure of my heart...” I was like, I know he’s probably teasing but oh my god... we’re just going right into it. Leigh’s teasing us already. I knew then it would be torture. Moving on. Matthais killing a wolf hurt my soul and I wasn’t even aware that the wolves were THAT sacred to Fjerdans. And I guess maybe I shouldn’t have watched the show first since Matthais trying to choke Nina did not shock me.

I give up on this one paragraph per part thing already.

Something I did not expect was Jesper sort of having a crush on Kaz too. Did I just not notice that in the show or did they decide to leave that out? I guess I shouldn’t be shocked but still, reading about Jesper’s little tiny thoughts of jealousy was interesting. Inez’s thoughts of how much she hated that her heart’s arrow seemed to aim for Kaz when nothing can ever come of it hurt me. AHHH and idiot Kaz saying “I always come back for my investments” to Inej when he’s carrying her just.. this idiot. Did he ever even say “I’m sorry” at some point in the books? I can’t remember, it’s a blur of emotions. Kaz, sweetheart, you’re CARRYING Inej, you can barely stand having someone touch your sleeve and you’re CARRYING her. How could Inej even question that he cared about her more than just being another investment if he carried her to safety? How could you question it if he feels comfortable enough to undress around you? The boy’s dumb, listen to his actions not the stupid words he says.

It’s funny, while double checking how many more Grisha books remained as I walked to my bookstore a few days ago to pick up Nikolai’s books, I saw on Leigh’s website that she has another book called The Ninth House. And it said “While the books of the Grishaverse can be safely explored by readers of any age, Ninth House is darker, more graphic, and intended for adults.”

...

Ok Leigh. Tell me in what world would the scene where Kaz stabs and pulls out the eye of Oomen then throws him overboard be considered a scene that can be “safely explored by readers of any age”?? That was a lot. I wasn’t expecting that level of personal violence this early. I was just as horrified as Wylan and Matthais were when they witnessed it.

Anyway. Nina wishing for one more day of Healer training back in the Little Palace hurt. Looking back through the book just now I laughed at Nina saying to Jesper, of all people, “Do you know how to find a Grisha who doesn’t want to be found?” I have so many thoughts about Jesper that I will have to save for later. And Matthais’ “I might have loved you too.” felt like a stab to my heart. Honestly I know I said earlier that Crooked Kingdom ruined me, but I guess SoC did too and I just forgot about it all until just now because Crooked Kingdom turned it up to another level.

The friendships they all have. I almost wish they never needed to leave that boat. Nina and Inej were adorable when Nina sang for her. Jasper and Inej bonding over questioning why they still follow (and love) Kaz while also knowing neither of them ever want to stop was amazing. Throw in Kaz thinking “Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days” about Inej and it’s just a recipe for making Hope emotional.

People had told me the Nina and Matthais scenes of SaB season 1 were pulled straight from Six of Crow’s flashbacks, and they were not lying. A few differences here and there but it’s pretty accurate. I think the show’s pacing for those scenes was off though, sometimes it felt rushed and other times it felt too drawn out (especially since I had no clue how these two would fit into everything because I hadn’t read the books yet). Reading the scenes made me appreciate what they’d been through much more. And I do like how the show adapted the reason that Nina turned Matthais in as a slaver.

Slowly having Kaz and Jordie’s backstory unfold was traumatizing. I had wondered what made him so touch averse, and now I get it. What Kaz went through was terrible. I could barely read the words because it was so painful. Inej being so understanding while not knowing everything that happened, just knowing that Kaz needs her to not judge him for fainting or recoiling from touch, was beautiful.

The reveal that Jesper was a Grisha was sort of spoiled for me because 1) in the show one of the Heartrenders said “What are you? You’re a-” to him so that was a big hint. And 2) a YouTube comment I saw confirmed that that line referenced that he was Grisha. This is a trend, YouTube comments have spoiled me multiple times over the last 2 months. You’d think I’d learn, but nope, I just got spoiled for Rule of Wolves not even an hour ago because of a YouTube comment. I thought I was finally safe to watch SoC videos since I wouldn’t be spoiled. I forgot that people can discuss the other books too. Anyway, Jesper being a Fabrikator is a dream come true since that’d be my ideal Grisha power. Even though I knew it was coming, I still was sort of surprised by the way it was revealed, so I’m sure that it came as a shock to readers who avoid spoilers, unlike me.

The entire heist in the Ice Court caused me constant anxiety. How in the world could everything go so wrong in so many different ways and still work out? I felt like every single page there was some new blindside and yet the Crows (but mostly Kaz) managed to figure out a way out of it. I really didn’t think that it’d start to go wrong as early as it did with literally the first very first steps of the plan failing. Nina and Kaz searching the cells and getting caught, Inej finding out that the chimney was hot and ended up melting her shoes (I was so especially mad about the shoes being ruined). I was very surprised that Kaz was as reckless as he was to detour and find Rollins. It felt out of character, but proved how deep his hatred is if he nearly risked the entire reward just to make sure that he still has the chance to get revenge on Rollins later.

Nina and Inej pretending to be with the Menagerie was insane. Inej’s internal freak out when Heleen recognized her made me feel so scared for her, but I was 20 times more scared for Nina with Brum. Those few moments where I thought Matthais really had betrayed the Crows and sold them out to Brum made me so mad. I knew deep down it had to be a bluff to get Brum out of the way, but I was still scared it was real. God, I felt so much relief when Matthais let her out, they found Kuwei, and Kaz got them all out through the Sacred Ash.

The stealing and driving of the tank was borderline ridiculous, but I was just happy to be along for the ride. Nina using the parem though... and the pain she went through afterwards while in withdrawal. God that hurt me. I couldn’t even be remotely happy at Kaz admitting he wants Inej because I was so worried about Nina. I literally was like “Kaz shut up about your feelings, Nina’s body is literally falling apart in the other room.”

I should have seen it coming that the Van Eck deal was too good to be true, and yet I was still blindsided by the attack and the kidnapping of Inej. And then going straight into a chapter narrated by Pekka Rollins was like whiplash, but I just went with it. I didn’t really realize how strange it was to get Pekka’s POV, but I didn’t care because I saw all the remaining pages and wanted to see how they’d save Inej. Then that chapter ended and on the next page I read the words “I have a degenerative condition...” I was confused by the sudden use of first person, and realized I was at the Acknowledgements, which meant the book was done.

I looked from the last page, back to the acknowledgements, and back to the last page, then I literally said “WHAT” out loud as it hit me that the book had ended with the worst cliffhanger I think I’ve ever experienced. I legitimately tossed the book to the floor after I came to terms with the fact that book was done. I was so mad.

Onto Crooked Kingdom! Boy did I not know what I was in for. I thought I did. I knew Chapter 40 was coming but instead I got an entire book of emotional destruction.

First of all, I love maps. So I was very glad to get a detailed map of Ketterdam with streets! And actual places! I probably stared at it and studied it for 5 minutes straight before even reading the book. The more detailed a map is, the happier I am. This map made me very happy.

The biggest takeaway of the first section of Crooked Kingdom is that Inej still believes that Kaz only cares for her as an investment. Breaks my heart. But also, Kaz traumatizing a little girl in the first few chapters makes you wonder if he even deserves Inej (he does, but wow is he ruthless. He didn’t kill the kid at least I guess). 

Colm. I have thoughts about Colm. He’s such a loving father. I will say more later when it’s more relevant. I loved that the rest of the Crows came to Jesper’s defense to create a lie for his dad, and that Colm adopted all of the kids. I can’t even read the word Colm without wanting to sob so I’ll stop with him for now.

I don’t know how I feel about us, as the readers, being left out of pieces of the plan. I’m not sure if this is something I love or hate about the way that Leigh writes the Crows novels. It’s fun for plot twists and usually does make sense when it’s from the POV of a character that Kaz purposefully leaves out of part of a plan, but that doesn’t always end up being the case. The Alys kidnapping was a complete blindside to me. Matthais sharing the chocolates he bought for Nina with Alys was sweet though, that he wants Nina to eat again so much that he’s ok with it just being sweets. I feel so bad that Nina can’t even eat that.

The Goedmedbridge plan with all the fake Mister Crimsons was an actual stroke of genius, if only the Shu didn’t come out of nowhere. Once again, everything going wrong yet the Crows finding their way out of it somehow. While Six of Crows felt like everything was going to plan until it wasn’t and then they were able to get back on track in a different way, Crooked Kingdom felt like constant blockages and blindsides and conflicts that came out of nowhere. The story and the plan and the plot changed so many times that it felt like I was on a roller coaster getting whiplash.

I’m scanning Part 3 and honestly, this feels like it all happened 5 minutes ago not like it was in the first half of the book. But oh my god, the line after Kaz and Inej stakeout the Van Eck house. “I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.” Inej, my girl, how in the world do you think this boy doesn’t care about you? Oh my god... oh my god... I’d die if someone said something like that to me. Kaz, sweetheart, love, sometimes you say the stupidest things, but then other times you say the most violently romantic things I’ve ever heard.

And then Matthais saying Nina looked “Enchanting” in the Fjerdan clothing? This was just chapter after chapter of me squealing. And honestly, once again, meeting Zoya in the tavern feels like it happened in Part 5 not Part 3. I read this book so quickly that I really can’t remember the order of events until now that I’m scanning it.

I’m really glad that we got more of Wylan’s backstory and got to meet his mom. I wish he could have been better prepared for that, but there was no way. Hearing about Matthais’ wolf Trassel was the perfect thing to start breaking my heart. I said this last time with Hershaw and Oncat, I’m more sad when a pet is left behind by their dead/missing owner than when the pet themselves die. I nearly sobbed when Matthais thought about how Trassel must have been abandoned by the other Druseklle when he disappeared. 

Matthais, Jesper, and Kuwei half-theorizing an antidote for parem was amazing. Also I love that Matthais is the one who kind of guesses that Jesper’s restlessness is the effect from him not using his power regularly. Matthais, you really had a knack for understanding the Grisha.

Ok. Here we go. Jesper’s backstory. When I found out that Jesper was half Kaelish and half Zemeni, I was beyond overjoyed. I am half Black half Irish, with the same parentage as Jesper, so that representation made me happy. I didn’t expect to shed tears though when we finally got his backstory and to get to know his parents a little. The love that his mom and dad had for each other was absolutely beautiful. The fact that Aditi died while trying to save a little girl hurt me so much. Jesper wondered if he had been older and more trained would he have saved her, but honestly, he probably would have just put the poison in himself and died instead. Colm saying “She was a queen, Jes. She was our queen” tore out my heart. The way that Jesper and Colm had to look after each other after that. Jesper trying to cook and burning the food but Colm still eating every bit. Them just having to try to be ok after losing her, and Jesper knowing he wasn’t meant for this life on the farm. All of it continued to tear my heart straight out of my chest and stomp on it.

Guys I’m legitimately tearing up all over again. I had to fight to not be a mess reading it the first time and I still shed some tears over it. This is why I can’t even type Colm’s name without letting out a sob. He loves his son and his wife so much. He always wanted what was best and was constantly worried for them because they’re Grisha. They’re Zowa. I couldn’t handle Jesper’s backstory. And every single interaction Colm and Jesper had after I read what they went through, I’d let out a sob or even shed a tear. I loved their relationship and the love they have for each other so much.

Everything going wrong in a billion different ways at once honestly made me go “Come on not AGAIN.” Dunyasha coming out of nowhere, Pekka Rollins sabotaging Kaz, the other Lions ambushing the Black Veil. It was honestly a miracle that they all got out of it. I was especially, ESPECIALLY, proud of Matthais coaching Kuwei and Jesper on how to use their powers to get them out of the situation. This boy went from killing Grisha, to helping lead them. This character development is amazing. And he’s still internally fighting the part of him that says “Unnatural” and is making the choice to ignore the hate that was trained into him. I love him.

Nina’s zombies though. At first I was like “Oh haha she can control bones, that’s fun” when she blew up the tavern windows, but that turned morbid, literally morbid, very quickly. Animating corpses. I mean. It’s a great power to have honestly. Disgusting and horrifying, but very useful. 

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?” “Who the hell is Jordie?” When I say I gasped and my jaw dropped at that part... Literally, I couldn’t move past that line for at least 30 seconds. I just stared at the page and reread those two lines over and over again because I could not believe Kaz really slipped up like that. But also, oh my god, the implications of how much Kaz cares about Jesper if he’s mixing him up subconsciously with his brother, the brother who literally is the reason he has fought to become the feared gang leader he is and to bring down Rollins. He called Jesper Jordie. I still cannot believe it. And the way Kaz’s face looked frightened... I’m so excited to see this scene in the TV show.

Ok, home stretch.

Jesper and Colm finally clearing the air was yet another scene that made me shed tears over these two. The way that we found out that Colm didn’t want Jesper to go to be trained but gave him the choice anyway, and that Jesper didn’t go because he didn’t want to leave his father behind. God, my heart would have just broken if he’d left Colm behind. Oh no I’m going to start crying again. “His heart hurt. His head hurt. Guilt and love and resentment were all tangled up inside him, and every time he tried to unravel the knot in his gut, it got worse.” I felt that. I hate that after all of that, the conversation didn’t even get to get to end on good terms. Colm still doesn’t want him to use his power because of what happened to his mother, and Jasper says “I’m dying anyway, Da. I’m just doing it slow.” and it absolutely destroyed me. It’s like they put my heart back in my chest, only to rip it out again and shred it this time.

And then of course that led to Jesper kissing Kuwei instead of Wylan, which brings up some messy dubious consent stuff. I thought it was a little out of nowhere, but then I remembered the Kuwei did complain earlier “Why do you keep looking at him? I look just like him. You can look at me.” At that time, that complaint seemed strange, but it made sense when this kiss happened that Kuwei liked Jesper too.

But who even cares about Jesper and Wylan and Kuwei having some sort of love triangle, when the bathroom scene is coming up for Inej and Kaz. I don’t mean to push Jesper and Wylan’s relationship woes to the side, but oh my god. I swear, I was holding my breath while reading this bathroom scene. I felt like I was personally interrupting their moment every second that I was reading it, but also I needed to keep reading to see what would happen. Every touch was as nerve-wracking for me as it was for Kaz (ok maybe not, but still). And after all of that, after Kaz tells her the horrible things he did to the people who were in on Rollins’ plot that killed Jordie, she still sees the good in him. I cannot handle these two. Oh my god. These two are on a completely different level of pining. “If you ever cared about me at all, don’t follow.” Poor Inej, having to go from that intimate moment to watching Kaz be beaten and somehow win a fight with 20 people.

Sturmhond showing up made my life. The moment I read the words “fox-faced man” my whole body perked up. I was like “Hope. Don’t get too excited. Yes it’s probably him, but don’t get excited.” but when Kaz recognized him I actually squealed at the confirmation. Nikolai owns my heart. And so does Jesper now. So the little bit of dialogue those two shared made me actually kick my feet with joy. “Take me with you.” Honestly, these two together for a period of time longer than 1 minute would probably make the world explode. But oh, what I’d give for a Jesper and Nikolai buddy comedy...

When Leigh let us believe that everything was going wrong in the plan (Wylan telling Van Eck everything, the fake Council of Tides crashing the auction, Inez saying Kuwei has to die) only for us to find out that it was all really a part of the plan was just plain cruel. I was so upset. I guess it’s fitting, after all the things that really went wrong for them, they had to take a little bit more. But this is one of the few times that we the reader are completely left out of the plan, and it’s not just because we’re following the POV of someone who was left out of whatever specific part of the plan didn’t involve them. This time all the characters knew, but Leigh didn’t tell the reader. 

The way that Van Eck’s story and lies all just fell apart bit by bit was beautiful, though. Masterful. Kaz pretending to take Rollins’ son was almost cruel, but he was lying, so it’s ok. I was going to be horrified if he really did it though, but I was also thinking “When would he have had time to do all that anyway?”

Chapter 38. I had been spoiled before even starting the books that Matthais would die. And I had seen a YouTube comment that said “I can’t wait to see Nina and Matthais’ actors do Chapter 40.” I assumed his death happens in Chapter 40. So when I started Chapter 38, I assumed this would be the last time I’d read a chapter in Matthais’ POV. I was wrong of course.

But Matthais’ death gave me nearly the same feelings that Owen Harper’s first death in Torchwood did. It came out of nowhere, right when you think everything is solved and all that’s left to do is go home. Our beloved character talks calmly to the person with the gun, relates to them, tells them they’re more reasonable than to shoot, and then gets shot point blank anyway out of nowhere. “You don’t want to hurt me. I know. I was like you once.” is what Matthais said. “We’re both rational men, scientists. I know you don’t want to shoot her.” is what Owen said as he protected Martha. The main difference is that I wasn’t spoiled for Owen’s death, so it really blindsided me, but he also got revived shortly after. I was spoiled for Matthais’ death right down to the chapter it happens in, but his death was finite. 

And then I think we’re about to lose Kuwei, but Zoya’s able to save him. Matthais shows up, gives us a little hope that he might be ok (but I knew he wouldn’t), and dies in Nina’s arms. Nina attempting to resurrect him ALSO gave me Owen vibes, right down to the black eyes, but that resurrection didn’t stick. God. If I had known Matthais’ death would be so similar to Owen’s... no, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t tell if I’d have been better off knowing how much it would remind me of Owen ahead of time. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know of the similarities since that made the death worse, despite me knowing it was coming.

Chapter 40 still being in Matthais’ POV, right when I had come to terms ahead of time that Chapter 38 would be the last time I read his narration, came as a real shock. He’s with the wolves in heaven. Ahhhhh. Help. The friends not even knowing how he died makes it even worse.

“We were all supposed to make it.” That’s when I started to let tears fall. I’d really been fighting it. I was like “Hope. You knew this was coming when you started this series. You are fine. You’re fine.” and then Wylan says that and I’m like “I’m not remotely fine.” And Colm telling them to say their goodbyes, and Colm being himself and making me cry with every other line he said anyway, just made more tears fall as they walked up and said goodbye.

I’m glad Nina got Matthais’ share of the money. It breaks my heart that she now has to go and bury him. I’m excited to see what she does in King of Scars or Rule of Wolves (or both, I know she’s in at least one of them) since she’ll hopefully keep up Matthais’ dream of helping the Fjerdans accept Grisha. I was beyond proud of Jesper to be like “I shouldn’t hold that much money right now” and Kaz saying “That’s the right move, Jes” in approval. And of course, Colm and Jesper saying goodbye did nothing but make me cry MORE.

And here we go. The chapter that made me actually cry. Before this, it was just shedding tears and choking a sob or two. Inej’s final chapter made me actually sob and cry so hard that I could barely read the pages through the tears. Kaz really bought her a boat and named it after her. “I don’t know what to say.” “Say you’ll return.” just tear my heart out please.

But what really got the waterworks going was Kaz having Nikolai find Inej’s parents for her. God. The last time a book made me happy cry was The Color Purple, and it was a similar situation. Celie’s sister Nettie returns to her, and I had to fight not to cry when I finished that book while on the train. When I saw the musical version on broadway a few months later, I sobbed so hard with happiness that I cried through the finale, through the curtain call, and kept crying as I walked up the aisle and out the theater. I couldn’t handle how happy I was.

Inej being reuinited with her parents was Celie and Nettie all over again. Now that is some HIGH praise. The Color Purple is one of my favorite books. I cannot give any higher praise to Crooked Kingdom than to compare Inej’s reunion to Celie’s. 

And Kaz being a little concerned that he’d overstepped by doing it, then Inej insisting he come to meet them too was adorable. “Is my tie straight?” And her mom’s shock at finally seeing her daughter again, oh my god. I read this in bed last night at 3am. When that chapter finished, I put the book on my chest and just lied there and sobbed for a full minute. I couldn’t stop right away like I managed to do for the other cries. This cry had to come out and it had to take at least a little bit of time to run its course.

Of course, I’m glad that Inej got to ensure that Rollins never returns to Ketterdam, and I get that having Pekka have the last chapter is a parallel to Six of Crows, but I almost wish the book had just ended when Inej found her family.

I am at 4600 words and still not done, but it’s 2am so I’ll add more thoughts tomorrow evening.

...

That was all from late June. Fast forward almost a month, I’m finally adding to this post.

Something I was worried about when I first started reading Six of Crows was that there was colorism when casting Jesper. Reading that he was described as dark skinned and then looking at Kit Young, I felt a little bit... iffy about it. Because I know, as a mixed person, we get a lot of privilege in Hollywood and are often the only Black people in tv-shows and movies. We benefit from colorism, especially when it comes to mixed women, since light to medium skinned Black actors are often cast instead of dark skinned actors. I spent most of Six of Crows worried that they’d taken the Zemeni character of Jesper, who also happens to be the only Black character, and casted him with a mixed actor. I could tell while reading the book that Kit had played Jesper perfectly, which made me feel a little better, but I still had a bit of discomfort. I was worried it was Rue in the Hunger Games all over again.

However, once it’s hinted that Jesper’s father has some Kaelish heritage, and then we later meet Colm and he’s fully Kaelish with light skin and red hair, I felt much better. I actually felt overjoyed because Jesper was mixed exactly like me. I was relieved that casting Jesper with a mixed actor was not colorism, but a requirement for his character in order to be accurate. I was so relieved and also now I fiercely clung to Jesper as another example of representation for me. On that note, maybe they could have casted him with a darker skinned mixed actor, someone like Alfred Enoch for example, just to give dark skinned mixed people some more representation since Jesper is described as dark and Kit’s skintone is medium. But then again, Kit was definitely the perfect choice since he completely captured Jesper’s character and he said he really identified with Jesper’s mixed heritage being like his own. Basically, I’m very happy that Jesper is a mixed character played by a mixed race actor, and not another example of pure colorism in Hollywood (though that’s still a major issue). I really can’t even complain. I love Jesper and I love Kit’s portrayal.

Honestly, the casting in general for the show was really perfect. I might be biased since I saw the show first, but reading the book I was shocked at how perfectly cast they all were.

I am concerned though about Wylan. He is going to be very hard to cast. Or more accurately, Kuwei’s actor will be tough to cast and will have a very difficult job portraying 2 characters at once. And then I guess whoever gets cast as normal Wylan will have to just deal with barely appearing in Crooked Kingdom. Also, as for Wylan changing race to be disguised as Kuwei... I had some mixed feelings about it at first. I really was like “Leigh... what are you doing with this... be careful...” But then Wylan’s narrative showed him being unsure how to navigate the world looking like he’s Shu, having people come up to him speaking a language he doesn’t speak, and being treated differently because he looks foreign to them, especially since the Shu who were in Ketterdam didn’t have the best intentions. I appreciated that. I like that it opened Wylan’s eyes a bit more because he’d been so sheltered his whole life. Even after living in the Barrel and joining the Crows, there were still things he needed to be exposed to, like racism. So I’m glad the story went in that direction with his tailored face. I’m honestly more excited to see who is cast as Kuwei than who is cast as Wylan because Kuwei’s actor is going to have the more interesting performance. 

I REALLY enjoyed the Six of Crows duology. I sped through the two books in about 3 weeks (I think I read Crooked Kingdom in probably only a week). Honestly, I’m not speeding through King of Scars that same way. It’s a combination of my work life being very chaotic for the last few weeks, and me being so devastated that Nikolai’s back to having the shadow monster that I almost don’t want to read on. I was beyond devastated when that happened in Ruin and Rising, I thought he’d never be ok again, then I was relieved when it went away. Now that it’s back... I’m just incredibly sad every second that I read this book. I’m nearly halfway through the book though, after the same amount of time it took me to read both Crows books, so we’ll see where it goes.

But I could not put the Crows books down while I read them if you paid me. Literally. I read during every single lunch break at work and was probably a few minutes late coming back because I’d want to finish the page. I stayed up late reading and reading and reading the books. I read on the ferry, I read in the car, I read during times that I’d usually spend watching TV shows or movies. These books were amazing. They destroyed me emotionally, in both happy and sad ways. I can’t get over them. I can’t wait to see them brought to life in the show.

[capricornus-rex]

A Legacy Begun (11 - End)

Chapter 11: The Spark of Hope | Cal Kestis x Reader

Summary: After a long time of running and fighting, you and Cal decided to finally settle down after all these years to raise a family. However, it was never a life of peace whilst the shadow of the Empire looms over your heads.

Prompt/s in play: Anon prompt (found in Chapter 1 link) + fic idea

A/N: Wow, I’m a day overdue on this. I was supposed to work on this a day ago until I had a yard accident. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken, but something’s... wiggling. Hopefully, I’ll be okay in a few weeks... hopefully. Sorry for the delay, you guys.

Also posted in AO3

Tags: Scruffy! Cal Kestis, Daddy! Cal Kestis, Adult! Cal Kestis, Jedi Family, Jedi Offspring, Force-Sensitive Offspring, Settling Down, Rebel Alliance

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 | Previous: Part 10 | Masterlist

11 of 11

The Kestis family and the Mantis crew eventually decided to join this alliance with the objective of stopping the Empire at all costs. They took up the offer a month after Mari Kosan had personally approached them.

For young Cassidy, it was a big adjustment, having to leave the home she knew back in Zera III and begin to live in a new home. The child had mixed feelings about it, she had sensed the uneasiness of her parents when they prepared for their departure that day.

“I never saw a planet that red before,” she gasped, gawking at Yavin’s main planet that they passed by as they approached the moon’s atmosphere.

When the Mantis had cut through the skies and had full view of the forests that covered the land mass. All of a sudden, little Cassidy didn’t feel a bit homesick anymore.

“It’s… almost like home,” she softly uttered, the treelines reminded her of the wide, green dells of Zera.

Greez prepared the Mantis to land near the open area in front of the sandstone structure. Upon closer look, it would’ve been a temple when it was still in its prime. The entire family was greeted by Mari Kosan, who went out of her way to meet with them as soon as she saw that familiar ship flying into their radar.

The bustle of the temple-turned-base of operations fascinated the young Jedi. Never has she ever seen a different kind of ship besides the Mantis, she had to step back while keeping her head titled up—emphasizing the gargantuan size of the fighter ships.

The new feeling was a two-way road: for the adults working in the base, it was new for them to see a kid running around—understandably so, it was someone’s daughter. As for Cassidy, she wasn’t used to this much people in a single place, she felt small and therefore found more solace with her family.

“This place is so much bigger than our house, Mom!” she exclaimed.

“Well, it is a base after all, darling,”

“Did they build that too?” she points to the pyramid.

“No, it looked like it’s been there way before they even came here,”

Much like her lifestyle in Zera III, Cassidy found herself a spot where she can practice her saber techniques in peace without being in the way of the adults working in the base. It’s no surprise that her spot was another clearing in the forest, little did she know that she was in full view of the scouts in the watchtowers but they didn’t mind her that much, it was also only a few meters away from the base so she can find her way back on her own.

Her parents eventually found her spot, thanks to a watchtower scout, and they continued their training—almost as if nothing happened. Over time, her skills improved and she was able to spar with her parents—something that she has been secretly dreaming even before she had her own saber constructed.

“You’re catching up real quick!” Cal encouraged.

“Well, I’ve been practicing all week, Dad!”

“Don’t get cocky then, Cassy!”

Cassidy’s combat techniques had evolved from sticking to only Form I: Shii-Cho to being a practitioner of Form III: Soresu, occasionally making a medley out of the first four forms if the situation arises. It was a blatant contrast to her father’s combined forms—which were technically powerful, swift, nearly-brutish in terms of movement, and is highly likely to be overwhelming for an unskilled opponent.

You observed that Cassidy was more in the offensive and Cal was being defensive in his stances. He surely didn’t go easy on sparring against his daughter.

“You confuse your confidence with arrogance, keep yourself grounded—literally and figuratively!” Cal lectured as he proceeded to lunge at her, to which she barely dodged by a hair. “Celebrating too early will cloud your judgment. You may think you’re winning—but you’re getting closer to loss.”

From that, Cassidy became more conservative with her attacks, timing for the right window of opportunity to get a jab at Cal, he disarmed her when he made a flurry of combos against her to the point that the grip on her saber had weakened and led her scuttling on the dust. The tip of his lightsaber hovered mere inches away from the front of her face.

“Well, Cassidy?”

This isn’t how Cassidy pictured herself in today’s instruction. While she had her father thinking that she’s submitted to the ground, she mustered her energy in her hands and Force-pushed her father away. It wasn’t a strong push, but enough to stagger him away from her so she can reach for her saber.

Igniting it the second the weapon reunites with her hand, she lunged for an overhead strike to which Cal flimsily deflected while trying to regain her footing.

“Impressive,” he commented as the colors of their blades mixed in the tight space between them. Cassidy pulled away before she could let the weight of her father overcome her in the block. “Most impressive.”

Cal switched his saber off, signaling the end of today’s session. Cassidy made a celebratory spin of her saber before turning it off.

“You’re learning everyday,” you added.

“There are just some parts that I can’t get right,”

“You’ll have plenty of time to work on that, sweetie. Come on, it’s time for lunch, Greez is making your favorite,”

“Alright!!”

Cassidy raced out of the forest, forgetting to wait for her parents and simply dashed towards the Mantis. You and Cal exchange insights on your daughter from today’s session.

“She’s becoming more and more skillful. She really is a born fast learner,”

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t think she’d do a Force-push on me. That was quite creative of her,”

Cal insisted that his daughter had inherited tactfulness and adaptiveness from you.

“Yes well, she got that tinge of recklessness from you,” you rebutted, half-jokingly.

The two of you walked out of the clearing and followed Cassidy to the Mantis. Apparently, she was waiting for you by the entry ramp, when she had caught sight of her parents she disappeared into the ship, probably helping out set the table inside.

“If there’s one thing Cassidy is weak for—it’s fried Nuna legs,” Cal quipped, nothing but a chuckle from you became his reply.

The first few months have been peaceful, yet there was always the looming fear that war will come here and ravage the moon. Your only comfort being you’ll be fighting with good people and in numbers.

—–

0 BBY, IN THE TIMELINE OF “A NEW HOPE”

In the midst of the committee, he was held in high regard, looked upon with great esteem, they turned to him whenever the subject matter felt like his insight was crucial. He was a constant figure among the meeting rooms in the base. They didn’t look down on him due to his second origin of being a scrapper, as a matter of fact, he had the same knowledge as their engineers.

“Master Kestis,” a voice, faceless among the crowd in the meeting room. He had insisted everyone to simply call him by his first name, but out of force of habit, they end up addressing him as Master.

When he knew that it was hopeless for him to correct them, he turned to that voice in the room that addressed him. His glance prompted them to continue.

“Do you think it’s plausible to have a far-range receiver to pick up the Empire’s signal?”

A brief pause allowed him to think. He returned his attention to the holograph where they had gathered.

“Well, the concept is similar to something I’ve designed for our previous home. But to make its range farther—for instance, from the surface to off-planet—we’re gonna have to need a stronger satellite, calibrate it with an open channel frequency, and once we test it, we can figure out how far our dummy ship’s signal can be picked up once it’s out of the moon. The farther, the better—it means that we can pick up the Empire in our radar before they even realize it.”

“It’s an ambitious design, but not impossible,” Gial Ackbar, the Mon Calamari admiral, interjects. “It’s sure to help us buy time when the need to evacuate comes.”

“We’ll see what we can do in the drawing board,” the head engineer added, stroking his grey-white beard as if he’s come up with an idea to add up to Cal’s concept. “I think we can do that on one of the prototype transponders we have to communicate with the pilots from their ships once they’re off the planet.”

“That could work, I’d like to see it some time, if you don’t mind, Head Engineer,”

“My boy, it will be a delight if you stop by!” the old head engineer chuckled, tucking his hands into the pockets of his long, white coat.

The meeting was adjourned after a few more discussions varying between the Empire and the base’s own resources. Everyone else dispersed in the meeting room and Cal was one of the first people to leave the room, trading curt nods at fellow rebels as he passed by the hallways.

Cal wore many hats and served them one by one—sometimes even juggling two at a time. But past the formalities, the conferences, and the ceaseless interaction with the diplomats, he always returns to the one role he has been taking on for eleven years.

“Dad! Watch me train with Mom!” Cassidy comes running up to her dad in the hangar and he catches her in his arms.

“I wouldn’t miss it, sweetie,”

“Then we’ll spar, right?”

“You betcha!”

Father and daughter appear into the forest clearing where you had been waiting for the two of them. Cassidy slipped her hand away from her dad, Cal gently holds you by the cheek and pulls you in for a kiss.

“Darling, you’re back,”

“I missed you,”

“It was only for an hour or two,”

“Yeah well, meetings aren’t really my thing,” the bridge of his nose crumpled, playfully making a grimace as he stretches his arms upward and wraps one of them around your shoulder. “This is a bit more of my thing.”

Bemused, you rolled your eyes and found his hand on your shoulder, “Which one—today’s instruction or me?”

He inched close and grinned, the tips of your noses brushing against one another, “Both.”

His lips pecked yours, but he doesn’t plan to let go of you any moment soon.

Now at eleven years old, Cassidy continued to prove her potential as a Jedi.

The child was lithe and nimble, using them to her advantage whether in combat or traversing the terrain of the obstacle course that her parents had built together. Her strategical skills were put into good use in that training course.

Her liveliness in combat was balanced out in using the Force and meditating, courtesy of you, no less.

“You’re getting better at the fighting,” you initiated, eventually slipping away from Cal’s arm. “But let’s see how you’ll fare without your weapon.”

Using the Force, you spirited away the saber from Cassidy’s small hand. She didn’t have time to react on it and realize that you’re stealing away her saber.

“Oh, don’t think about pulling the same trick as you did with your dad,”

There was stern tone in your voice, just hearing it made Cassidy’s stomach churn. To reassure her that it was going to be a fair fight, you removed your saber from the designated hook on your belt and joined it with Cassidy’s atop a rock’s flat surface.

“There will come a time that you’ll be robbed of your weapon—mostly by your enemies. And when that happens, you’re essentially bare—but don’t let that deter you. The weapon you have next to your saber is yourself. Now then…”

It occurred to her that she had to wield only the Force and engage in hand-to-hand combat against you. You seldom engage in any form of combat with Cassidy—because that was more of Cal’s work—but it was only this one time where she saw you throwing fists and delivering kicks. She’s seen you fight with a lightsaber, but rarely with your bare hands.

Your own daughter was surprised to face her mother—who was barely angry or aggressive, always sweet and doting—not once did Cassidy ever imagine you challenging her. Then again, you were a Jedi, she knew that you would eventually.

She tucked her knees down, placing herself in a stance with her fists in front of her.

“Good form. Now, see if you can attack me,”

Cassidy resumed to being the one who always engages in the offensive first. Springing her heels toward you, she attempted to pull a punch—in the blink of an eye, the whole of your palm stopped the impact on wherever she was planning to hit you.

You pushed her away, deflecting her blow, and she restarted her stance. For every punch she threw, she was denied of landing it; in perfect balance, you bent down level to her waist and your leg literally swept her off of her feet.

“Throwing punches may feel thrilling, but if you’re going to be reckless like that first moment, it’s not going to work,”

“I’ll try again,” she declared, steeling her mental willpower and her demeanor.

Going back to your stance was your reply, you anticipated her attacks. This time, she opted to start with a kick and your forearm shielded you from the tip of her boot. When you swung her foot back to the ground, she hooked her left fist towards your cheek—a bold move, you thought, but it was nothing as you repeated the same deflection as the first time. Cassidy took you by surprise when she flung a kick against your side when you were busy blocking her punch with your arm.

You staggered at the impact, you dented the earth with your boots as you skidded and reset your footing to face her in the other direction. A small smirk curled along your lips—that meant that she’s impressed you with her last-minute tactic—and the fistfight continued.

“Good!” you exerted. “Keep making use of your advantages, Cassidy!”

Cassidy allowed the adrenaline to flow within her, dictate her movements, and be able to analyze the situation faster before you could retaliate. Punches and kicks land between mother and daughter. Flinging and trading fists, making sure that it doesn’t only cut through the wind.

Eventually, your eleven-year-old secured her win on this round when she delivered a kick on your knee and then to your abdomen. When the adrenaline had died down in her system, Cassidy’s clenched teeth loosened and the tension in her shoulders relaxed. She darted towards her mother’s side, assisting you to get back up on your feet.

“Oh… Oh no, Mom! Are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, sweetie,” you grunted, managing a reassuring chuckle and taking her hand, you repeated. “It’s fine.”

“I’m so sorry, I… I don’t know what gotten into me,”

“A little adrenaline couldn’t hurt, Cassy,” you tussled her hair. You exhaled away the aches that her hits have delivered.

The arrival of a Corellian freighter called your attention, catching a glimpse of it on the trees’ canopy. The intrigued youngling darted out of the clearing to find it landing right in front of the base, opposite of where the Mantis idled.

“Wow, that’s a big piece of junk,”

“Now Cassidy, be nice,” Cal lightly scolded.

“Oh come on, Dad, you think so too, right?”

He sighed, bobbing his head left and right, “Okay, it’s not the best piece of work, really.”

“Knew it!” the child chuckled.

From afar, you spot the Princess exiting the ship, flanked by a pair of men, a Wookiee, a gold protocol droid, and a blue-and-white astromech.

“Well, it seems Her Highness has gotten herself stuck with an interesting band of misfits,” you commented within Cal’s earshot.

“Quite an interesting rescue team if you ask me,”

The family approached the group, appearing out of the clearing to greet the princess with the greatest esteem.

“Ah, Your Highness, this is Master and Lady Kestis,” the soldier introduces.

“Your Majesty,” husband and wife greeted and bowed in unison, to which the Princess immediately dismissed.

“Oh come now, there’s no need for formalities,” she beamed a smile with lips as red as roses.

Cassidy was still a tad shy towards newcomers, she hid behind Cal’s hip as she gazed at the mismatched group of misfits; she was mostly interested with the Wookiee and how tall it stood over everyone else, when the brown, hairy creature met eyes with her, she was startled and hid her face against her dad’s arm, but the Wookiee tilted his head slightly, mirroring the child’s gesture as she gradually peeked out of her father’s arm. When she sensed that the tall creature was harmless, she flashed a shy but friendly smile and the Wookiee groaned softly.

The same head engineer from Cal’s meeting beckoned him to join them inside the base.

“Lady Kestis, if you don’t mind, we would like to have your company in the council room as well,”

“Of course,” you turned to Cassidy. “Daddy and I will be back, okay? You go play wherever you like.”

“Okay, Mom,”

You kissed her forehead, “I’ll see you later, okay?”

She nodded and you let her free. You and Cal followed the head engineer and the Princess, boarding a cart separate from theirs on the way into the hangar. The Kestis couple sensed the urgency as they strode into the meeting room, while having the meeting, Cassidy had wandered off into the hangar—secretly following the newcomers and caught the eye of the boy with sandy brown hair.

“Hello there,” the nineteen-year-old spoke in a friendly tone and bent to her level. “What’s your name?”

“Cassidy,”

“What a pretty name. Well, Cassidy, I’m Luke! Nice to meet you,” he gladly extended his hand, offering her a handshake. She hesitated for a few seconds but took his hand with hers and they shook on it.

She didn’t notice it, but Luke’s friendly smile unconsciously dissolved as he felt something within the girl. It was similar to a feeling he had not too long ago. Even with his eyes opened, he suddenly reminisced a moment where he had his vision obscured and the sound of the lightsaber buzzing against projectiles rang fresh in his eardrums. He shook away the thought and managed a smile in front of Cassidy as he let go of her hand.

“Did you rescue her? The princess?”

“Yeah, I guess we did,”

“Are the bad guys coming here? Because I have a bad feeling about it,”

“Oh well, would you look at that—just when I thought you were the youngest here, there’s one who beat you to it,” the other man, obviously taller than Luke, cuts in before he could give the boy a chance to reply.

The Wookiee grunted in reply.

“Don’t scare her off, Chewie,” the man blurted.

In reply, the Wookiee raised its voice on the man with the black vest, flailing its arm to emphasize whatever point it was making. While the three bickered, Cassidy turned her head to the freighter they came in with, she reminded herself of her father’s scolding and bit her tongue.

Moments later, all of the pilots started gravitating towards the room where the engineer had summoned them. Although he wasn’t a pilot yet, Luke decided to join in, but he politely excused himself in front of Cassidy before he went with the herd of orange jumpsuits. Amidst that gathering of pilots, Cassidy’s parents were also in that briefing, listening to the head engineer as he points at the blueprint of the plans they’ve recovered while giving instructions.

“So much for that far-range receiver,” Cal mumbled within your earshot.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance in making it,” you comforted as you listened.

“Using proton torpedoes, a precise shot into this small exhaust port found in this trench—it’s an opening so small, its width roughly measures about two meters—will cause a chain reaction into the oscillator, destroying it from the inside,” the head engineer explained.

Murmurs filled the room, heads turning left and right as doubt begins to fill the meeting room. You and Cal glance at the uneasy pilots, their collective inhibition was so loud that neither of you don’t need to sense it—because everyone else in the entire room did.

“That’s impossible!” a faceless voice, lost in the crowd of orange and white, stood out from the whispering.

“Then man your ships, and may the Force be with you all,” the engineer adjourned.

“Are you fighting with them?” that question had been suffocating you for the duration of the briefing.

“No, I don’t think I have the strength to leave my girls here,”

Relief washed over you as you smiled, Cal secretly slipped his hand to yours and intertwined fingers with you. The two of you watched the pilots disperse out of the room, some were confident, some were nervous—but if there was one thing they had in common: they’re ultimately anxious.

Cassidy eventually found Luke donning a starpilot’s jumpsuit. She watched the blue-and-white astromech droid being hoisted by a magnetic crane into the designated port on the exterior of the X-Wing.

“I hope they’ve calibrated and oiled your S-foils well,” Cassidy blurted. “It’s gonna be hard if it’s not fully locked in their attack position.”

“You sure know your starfighters,” Luke smiled, impressed.

“My dad used to be a scrapper, so he knows his stuff. Plus, he helps with the ships too!” Cassidy said proudly.

Luke replied an awkward but friendly laugh as he climbed the ladder onto the cockpit of his X-Wing.

“Hey Luke!”

“Yeah?”

“May the Force be with you!”

“May the Force be with you too, Cassidy!”

You beckoned Cassidy into the far side of the hangar, where the three of you watched all of the X-Wings wheel out of the hangar and take off to the skies—carrying the hope of the entire Rebel Alliance as a first step to battling the Empire.