#LOOKING LIKE A DAMN GOOFUS

[cve-th3mvsic]

”cve goes crazy”

cve is fucking dying. cve is emotional. cve is hating on this fucking crow bitch.

cve is going crazy. cve is crazy.

___

[stressedoutcanary]

Family Matters - Batfamily x Reader

Summary: A surprise birthday party and Batfamily being chaotic.

“That's it Dick just a little to the right...No the other right...No! Not there you goofus! Just...Just get down from the chandelier before it comes crashing down on the rest of us and For God's Sake let Duke handle the ribbons before you somehow strangle yourself with them”

Warnings ⚠️: Fluff, lots of it, angst because I can’t help myself, Reader has got some parental issues. Hurt/Comfort.

Word count: 2.4k

A/N: I wanted some good dad Bruce content so I did it myself. Also I might have been influenced by a post I made a while back about Bruce and his children. I haven't used reader's pronouns anywhere so it's kinda gender neutral.

I don’t know where I was going with this, my imagines are often like a train derailed from its track but I think it’s fine. So Enjoy ;)  

•°•°•°•°

"Focus (Y/S/N), don't jump in in blind, assessing what action your opponent is about to undertake and countering it out before they can complete that action, this is the key lesson for you today", Batman's commanding voice echoed in the enclosed area of the batcave as he observed you attempting to roundhouse kick the boy in front of you. It was rather rashly executed with the hope of knocking him down which, for obvious reasons, only ended up with your leg connecting with nothing but thin air.

'Damn he is fast when he actually tries.'

"Easy for you to say Old Man! You aren't the one dancing with Mister Duckboy, the teen wonder over here!", you exclaimed, panting as your chest heaved from the exertion.

"Duckboy?!", Tim looked near scandalized as you grinned in return, stealing a glance towards the giggling crowd gathered near the stairs.

Everyone was already in the cave, it was a rare occurrence, it happened only when the issues of upmost importance were being discussed. Today was one of those days; The planning of Alfred Pennyworth's surprise birthday party.

However things usually went a lot less violent, this day every year. The sparring session this year was the result of you messing up, real bad while on patrol last night and since you were around the same age as Tim, he was found to be the most appropriate partner for it. The only drawback was that he had a staff in his hands while your weapons were confiscated, because in Bruce's words 'you rely on them too much'. You were already tired and Tim had a huge advantage over you, if you wanted to win this match you had to be quick and efficient at the same time.

Distracting Tim by your comment allowed you to have an opening, gathering all your strength you went in for a forward strike. Unfortunately he was more than ready to take you on, he crouched down, narrowly missing your punch then proceeded to swipe your legs off of the ground with his bo staff making you fall butt first on the floor.

"Congratulations you've managed to hurt both my ass and my ego, Timbers", You said laying back on the ground, hands and legs spread out and instead of helping you up, Tim joined you on the floor sitting next to you. You gave him a look that was equivalent to 'next time I get the chance, I am going to push you off a roof'.

"Your skills need improvement", Bruce said in his monotonous tone as you grunted knowing that a full ass lecture was gonna follow, but before he could get another word out, Jason chimed in with a statement no one ever expected to hear from him,"You know (Y/N), he's not wrong in fact I think the old man's actually got a point."

Jaws dropped to floor, Tim looked like he just saw a ghost, Dick who was standing near Barbara pinched himself to see whether he was dreaming or not, Damian snapped his neck up from where he was sharpening his katana, even Titus and Ace perked their heads up at the sudden silence that settled over the place. Barbara, Cass, Duke and Steph looked equally shocked.

"Before you all get any ideas, what I'm trying to say is you better pay attention because B over here won't be able to save your ass, 'cause if you slack off the next thing you know you would be in a warehouse with a maniac, getting blown to bits", Jason looked at Bruce with accusing eyes.

'And here I thought he was finally going to say something sensible', you thought to yourself as he continued,

"Take it from someone who has had that experience, you guys remember right? The fact that I--"

"Died, we know!!", everyone groaned at the same time and Bruce looked like he had to physically restrain himself from faceplaming.

"Okay! Guys how about we go ahead and do the thing we all actually came here to do instead of... whatever this conversation was", you suggested, getting up and patting the dust off your clothes.

"Well then someone has got to ask the important question here", Barbara looked around as she worded her sentence,"who is going to be the one to keep Alfred busy while we get everything ready?"

Once again the cave went silent. For a whole bunch of detectives, you all were very, very scared of Alfred, including Bruce even though he will never admit it, lying to The old-butler-cum-grandpa and making random excuses for the whole 3 hours was a thought dreadful enough to make all of you exchange petrified glances at each other hoping someone would step forward to do the job.

"I'll do it", dick raised his hand.

"NO!", everyone snapped and Dick's head tilted with a pout.

"You are good at doing a lot of stuff boy wonder, hiding things from Alfred isn't one of them", Barbara comforted Dick as Damian stepped up next.

"*tt* Since none of you imbeciles have the courage or the ability to do it. I shall be the one to handle Pennyworth. Gordon, Cain and Titus, I will require your assistance", Damian spoke or rather commanded as he went up the stairs, followed by the group he chose.

"Don't mess this up for us, you gremlin!"

"Tim!", you lightly jabbed him in the side with your elbow.

"Ow! What?"

"Be nice", you narrowed your eyes and he understood you were being serious.

"Fine I'll try, but don't blame me if he starts something", Tim shrugged carelessly. You shook your head and let out an audible sigh as you followed everyone else up towards the manor.

•°•°

"That's it Dick just a little to the right...No the other right...No! Not there you goofus! Just...Just get down from the chandelier before it comes crashing down on the rest of us and For God's Sake let Duke handle the ribbons before you somehow strangle yourself with them", you eyed him worriedly.

"Oh come (Y/N) it'll be fine!", the cheerfulness in his voice made you cock an eyebrow at him from below. Duke slid in beside you.

"10 bucks says he will somehow fall within the next hour"

"Oh Duke you should know better, 20 says he'll fall within 30 minutes", you turned towards him with an evil smile.

"What are you both talking about down there?"

"NOTHING!", you both said in unison on which Dick gave you a confused look.

"Oh Hey look Steph needs my help with the cake so, see ya!", you quickly moved to the other side of the room checking in with Stephanie and Tim. She gave you a thumbs up to signal that everything was going according to plan and the place was almost ready. Everyone was laughing, bickering, having fun, it was all very rare and seeing it, a warm feeling spread throughout you.

You smiled to yourself for a moment but it faltered and a frown pulled up at your lips, a sorrowful thought crossed your mind, something you always kept buried deep down. Looking around and seeing as nobody needed your help at the moment you decided to slip out of the chaos, taking slow steps towards the patio to clear your head.

•°•°

Leaning against the railing you thought back to how you left your house this morning telling your mother that you are going to stay at your friend's place for a while and how she just waved her hand at that, not even questioning you anymore. Your mind was completely elsewhere, despite the awe-inspiring dense forest right in front of you, your eyes were lost in space.

You registered, a bit too late, the presence of someone standing beside you.

"It is a nice view, but something tells me that's not what brought to out here, away from everyone else"

"Careful there Brucie or people might think that you are actually capable of some emotions which happen include caring for people", you retorted back at him. It was always a sort of defense mechanism for you, whenever you felt exposed you countered it with snarky remark.

You closed your eyes hoping that Bruce would just walk away. But he didn't. He stayed there.

Bruce leaned on the railing beside you and waited. You took a deep breath, contemplating you next move carefully.

"...Look It's really silly so can we drop it?", you whispered wondering why in the world would Bruce of all people, care about your feelings.

"Talk to me (Y/N). I can tell when something is bothering you, I may not be your father, but you are my family.", unlike usual, his voice was gentle and genuine when he spoke to you.

"I am really not a fan of surprise birthdays", you stated, starting off vaguely.

"And why is that?"

"Because I...It's silly but this one time I spent a whole week working on a birthday gift for my mom, it was like a craft pop up box which had multiple photos of us together, I made that from scratch! everything in it I made that, I worked hard for it, I did it out of love but when I gave her that surprise gift you know what she said Bruce! She said that I wasted my time that she would've been much happier if I had focused on my studies, she never even once said that she liked it and I--", you looked at him with tears brimming in your eyes, threatening to spill.

"I don't know Bruce, it-it just makes me feel sad you know? every little thing reminds me that my mother doesn’t seem to love me anymore. There is this constant thought in my mind that no one cares about me, about what I do for them and I don’t know what to do with a thought like that."

"That's not true, look around you kiddo, you are surrounded by people who would do anything for you, who love you from the bottom of their hearts", Bruce finally looked at you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

"That's the thing! I am not an orphan!", you blurted out and Bruce looked more confused than ever.

"I'm aware"

"No! No you are not. I am not one of those kids you picked up from somewhere, I don't live here, Like I am sure you people aren't even sane, hell! you all make up the most dysfunctional family I have ever seen! I don’t belong here, you people have no reason to care about", Bruce gave you a sideways look, slightly chuckling at your sudden description of the people in the manor.

"But I still love everyone, my mom, you, every dumbass inside the manor right now, no matter much pain they cause me and I don't get why", this time when he looked at you, you didn't look like the vigilante who sucker punched The Riddler in the face last night, you looked like a scared little kid who is lost.

Bruce stood up straight and wrapped you in a hug. Something you never expected to happen in a million years. The shocked settled in after a bit and you wrapped your hands around him, burying your face in his chest.

"The people we love are still people at the end of the day. They act out, and sometimes they let us down, hurt us even, but that doesn't mean we stop loving them. For every bad memory, there will always be a good one that will get you through it. I promise you that (Y/N)", Bruce pulled away and gave you a warm smile. You couldn't help but smile back, your face matching his.

"Okay who are you and what have you done with Bruce Wayne? because I don't recognize this man who is full of emotions and on top of that, is giving free hugs right now", you broke into a grin, making Bruce's face go back to the stoic version.

"If you tell anyone, I will deny it"

"Sure you will"

Suddenly a clattering sound came from the hall, alerting you both. This, however, was followed by a 'I'm okay!' By the one Dick Grayson, which in turn was followed by Duke's 'Oh no!'

"Any idea what that was about?", Bruce inquired raising an eyebrow as you burst out laughing.

"That, you big softie, was the sound of me getting my 20 dollars, now let's get back before they destroy everything."

•°•°

You and Bruce entered back into the hall, everyone was gathered around waiting for Damian and his group to signal the beloved butler's arrival. You stood next to Tim as Jason moved towards the switches to turn off the lights.

"Okay I'll bite why are you covered in frosting before the party even started?"

"Steph", Tim replied, too tired to elaborate, leaving you giggling.

Barbara, Cass and Damian rushed through the door, looking close to terrified, with Titus tagging along.

"He is here, HIDE!", Damian said quickly closing the doors.

After a few moments, the door creaked open and Alfred's voice came through, "Master Damian, you and I will have words for what you did to-- Oh my", he was stuck to his position at the door, too shocked to say anything more after looking at the decorations and bunch gathered around an enormous cake.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALFRED!!", you all exclaimed with extreme excitement.

As the party went on you noticed that there was, in fact, a broken chandelier broomed to the side, later on there were a few not-at-all-safe stunts performed by the boys, some really bad puns made by Dick, all sorts of shenanigans by the others and cake, lots of cake. You looked around, everyone was busy doing something but now you knew Bruce was right:

You have one hell of a family, original, found or otherwise. And you love them all no matter what.

°•°•°•°•

Tags: @thesesickfics-justmakemesick

[thiswasinevitableid]

Hall of the Goblin King (Indruck)

Prompt for the 28th: Caged

“So, what’re y’all in for?” Duck slumps in the corner of his cell. They slid some bread through the slats earlier, but he’s not sold on eating it; he doesn’t know if goblins follow the “eat our food, stuck here forever” rule. They might. They’re really into rules. 

“Accidentally set the old kings robe on fire.” Says the young woman in the cell on his left, “I was the court sorcerer, but I guess his clothes were more important.”

“I attempted to relieve the treasury of some items.” The older man in the cell across from him sighs, “one would think they could spare a few; they have whole mountains of gold down there.”

“I tried to map the whole labyrinth; I’m not sure whether it was the being human part or the map part that got me stuck down here.” The man in the cell to his right indicates three sets of meticulous scratches on the wall, “I’ve been here two months, Aubrey for two and a half, and Ned for three. We were all sentenced by the previous Goblin King, and I have to say I’m kind of surprised the new one sent you here.”

Duck tucks his hands inside his sweatshirt, shivering, “It’s my own damn fault. Never shoulda left the window open…”

“C’mon goofus, bedtime.” Duck clicks off the T.V

“Ugggggh fine.”  Jane slides off the couch, “can’t believe mom and dad still leave you in charge. I’m sixteen! I don’t need a damn babysitter.”

“I know you don’t. But you still oughta get to bed; they find out I let you stay up until midnight they’re gonna read me the riot act.”

“Fine, but you owe me.” She sticks her tongue out at him and heads upstairs. Duck makes sure all the trash is off the kitchen counters and then follows suit. It’s only now cooled off enough to open up the house, so he opens his window and slips into Jane’s room to do the same there; the house gets damn stuffy in the summer. 

He’s half changed when a shriek pierces the wall.

“AH! Get the fuck away!”

Duck’s out one door and through another, sending something flying as he bursts into the room. Jane is on the bed, whacking at what he assumes is a human until it turns on him with glowing yellow eyes. Another lunges through the window, tackling him to the floor. 

“Come along child, do not be afraid, you are in no OWOW” One goblin clutches it’s head where Jane hit it with a lamp before another scoops her into it’s arms.

“Put her down! Take the fucking T.V or some shit, take whatever you want just leave her alone!”

“We must take someone to the king. This was the first house we could enter without issue.”

“Fuck you you’re not taking me anywhere.”

“We are not leaving without you.” The one holding Jane starts for the window, his sister fighting it every step but can’t get free.

“Take me.”

Ten sets of glowing eyes turn on him, curious, and one very human pair looks at him with horror. 

“You said you needed someone. I’m someone. Put my sister the fuck down and take me instead.”

“Very well.” 

The monsters move with incredible speed, and Duck is out the window and then falling down, down, down, like a thoroughly fucked Alice in Wonderland.  His vision distorts into swirls of gold and red stays that way until his knees hit cool stone. Not, not stone. Wood. He’s staring at a vast, polished redwood floor.

“Oh mighty Goblin King, we have brought you the human.”

“Wonderful!” A voice chirps. Duck looks up as a figure hops from a carved wooden throne. The king is almost human, but with silver hair dusting his shoulders, gleaming red eyes, and teeth that remind Duck of a barracuda’s. His wide smile flips as he looks at Duck, “nono, this is all wrong. The rules call for a human child. This is not a child.”

“Jane’s barely one and that didn’t stop y’all from trying to take her.”

“Silence.” The king drags a podium containing a massive book over to himself, thumbs through it and points, “the rules state a human child must be taken once every hundred years.”

“That’s fucked up.”

The king furrows his brow, “Is ‘silence’ not a word humans understand?” He straightens, looks even more perturbed when all the other goblins shrink from him, “what am I supposed to do with an adult human?”

“Let me go?”

“Impossible. The rules clearly state” he flips several more pages and reads, “that any human wishing to escape my realm must outsmart me. And as I am a seer, that is rather difficult. So no, I cannot let you go. What to do…”

“Fuck the rulebook, just fucking let me go!”

Red eyes lock onto him, “I do, however, know that rude humans go in the dungeon.”

“That was that.” Duck finishes his story, shifts all the way onto his little bed, “so now I’m down here for god knows how long.”

“That was very noble of you, my dear boy. If I can, I will put in a good word for you with the king.”

“Ned, you’re stuck here with the rest of us.” Aubrey sets a hand on Duck’s shoulder through the bars, “but he’s got a point; King Indrid is pretty cool. If he can find a reason to let you out, he probably will.”

Duck nods, but he’s not going to hold his breath. They talk a little longer, whispers fading along with the torches, and soon he’s in an uneasy sleep, dreaming of red eyes under the bed. When he comes to, Joseph is in a hushed, animated conversation with the king. 

“..section eight, heading four, see, just there.”

“Ah ha, excellent.” The king moves over to Aubrey, gestures for the guard to unlock her door while a , “My new advisor has just informed me of a rule that allows me to pardon you. You are once again the royal enchanter. As for you, Ned, you will be permitted a job as royal consultant, provided you stay away from the treasury. 

“You have my word.”

“In case that is not worth much, I will also be adding some security.” He smirks, notices Duck, and tosses his head, “that is all.”

“Don’t worry” Aubrey calls over her shoulder, “we get you out soon!”

---------------------------------------------------------

The rude human with the name of a waterfowl is still in the dungeon. It’s been three days and he cannot determine how to get him out. He doesn’t want him there, he’d prefer the dungeons remain permanently empty, but the rules do not allow a taken human to leave through means other than trickery. Indrid cannot engineer himself being tricked, or it won’t work. 

He’s flipping through the section on privileges accorded the king when it comes to him. Kings are permitted amusements, with no conditions upon the term.

--------------------------------------------------

Being hauled back in to see the king doesn’t surprise him; it’s the part the guards drop him on the floor and leave him there with an order to “be amusing.”

“The fuck?”

The king crosses his legs on his throne, “You are here to amuse me.”

“Yeah? Well, I got somethin real amusin’ right here: two birds.” 

King Indrid cocks his head, staring at Duck’s middle fingers, “Are they...going to turn into birds?”

Duck drops his hands, “Nope. Look, why are you doing this?”

“It was the only way to get you up here. I cannot pardon prisoners on a whim, but I can request they be made to act as entertainment.” His regal demeanor is slipping, and he sounds almost ashamed. When their eyes meet, he’s the first to look away. 

“Gotta be honest your, uh, highness? I’m tired, freaked out, and grimy as hell. I ain’t gonna be much fun.”

The king taps his chin, “Grimy...oh, I know! We can freshen up together. Come along.” He bounds down the steps from the throne, pulling Duck to his feet and through a series of double doors, each a different color. When they’re through the black door he glimpses a massive bed and a floor covered in crumpled paper, only for them to skid around a corner. He’s seen pools like this in pictures of Vegas, or those all expenses paid Hawaiian vacations. It’s massive, multi-leveled, and strewn with lilies. 

“Damn, this is-” Duck slaps a hand over his eyes as his host begins disrobing. 

“Impressive, yes, it very much is. I have so many delightful things to show you, do humans have singing lilies? Argh, blast it all, why did my predecessor favor such tight clothing.” Indrid grumbles what sounds like a goblin expletive, then a splash echos through the room. 

“Can’t you just ask for new clothes?”

“Only for private wear, it does not do to buck convention. Aren’t you coming in?”

“Nope.”

“You are here to amuse me, remember?” 

Fuck it, the moment he sees Duck shirtless he’ll regret this. 

“You wanna see a pudgy, hairy human? Fine.” He tosses all his clothes into a pile and canon balls into the pool. When he pops up, warm water sloughing exhaustion and dirt from his skin, Indrid is shaking droplets from his face and laughing. 

“Quite the entrance. Oh” he sighs, stepping towards Duck, “oh you are very nice to look at.”

“Uh, thanks.” He looks down, annoyed with his blushing skin, “so, uh, is this a sex thing?”

“Goodness no. Communal baths are common here. Well, not here, since no one is allowed in my inner chambers.”

“Not even friends or folks like that?”

“Kings do not have friends. They have servants, advisors, guards, consorts, and amusements. Now, please wash my hair.” 

Duck, increasingly perplexed, takes the bottle of pink liquid without fussing. It’s marshmellowy in both scent and texture, sticking in-between his fingers as he runs them over silver hair. 

A little, low trill and Indrid’s ears flick back, “Mmm, that is lovely.”

“Glad to hear it.” Duck replies absentmindedly as he looks around the pool. The pearlescent lilies open, filling the room with strange music. Webbed feet paddle water as ducklings, grebes, and even a swan swim from the corners of the grotto. They’re mechanical, covered in metal scales instead of feathers. Curious as to how they’re not rusting, he reaches for the swan. 

“OW! Agh, why’d y’all make them act like the real things?”

“It is meant to recreate the experience of swimming in a real pond. Or, ah, so I am told. I’ve never been in one.”

“There’s not a lake in this whole damn labyrinth?”

“Nono, there are plenty. I am just not allowed outside of the castle; that is always the case when one is destined to be kind.” His ears droop, then he spins, grabbing the shampoo, “but no matter, this goblin-made one is wonderful. Look, you can have water fish in it you please.” He swim-wades over to a basket on the edge of the stone. Comes back with a toy parrotfish in one hand and a bat ray in the other. As he hands the ray to Duck he says, “go on, put it in the water.”

Duck obeys, then laughs as the toy comes to life, flapping and gliding around him like the real thing. Indrid beams, sets the parrotfish loose to dart about. 

“Would you like to put some others in?”

“Hell yeah.”

Soon the pool is a living rainbow, colors shimmering past Duck’s legs as Indrid proudly presents him with a vial of bubble bath. When Duck tips it into the water, they’re flooded with bubbles that smell like milk chocolate and change color whenever they encounter new temperatures. 

“Oh, apologies, I have not returned the favor. Here, turn around.”

As soon as Duck does, short claws scritch his scalp and gently free the knots from his hair. It should be worrying, having a guy with sharp teeth and the ability to yeet him back into the dungeon this close to him. But it’s getting harder and harder to see Indrid as much of a threat. It might be the chirping and purring. 

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-two.”

“Then we are relatively the same age. You are about to comment that I am young for a king, and you are correct. I am...lucky the rules are so clear.”

“Clear and rigid are two separate things. Seems to me what y’all got down here is an awful lot of ‘because I said so.’”

A chime rings, the tone changing the longer it sounds, 

“So late already? I need to show you to your bed.” He climbs out of the pool, Duck not fast enough to avoid a glimpse at a flat but very cute ass. Indrid brings him a towel, which he keeps on for their trek into the bedroom. There’s a human-sized pillow at the foot of the giant bed, with a plethora of smaller cushions circling it. Deep green pajamas that have been carefully laid out suggest this is where he’s meant to sleep. 

Just as he’s wondering if pointing out how demeaning it feels will fuck up his tenuous friendship with the kind, Indrid groans, “Every night I lower it, and every day the blasted thing raises itself up.” 

A wave of his hand collapses the bedframe into the floor, rendering it no more than a mound of pillows and blankets. He tosses his towel down a hole in the wooden wall, grumbles as he slips on a grey-green robe, “even the room is set to the habits of the old king.”

Duck climbs onto his bed, finds that Indrid adjusts himself so they’re face to face like friends at a sleepover. The lights above them dim slowly, mimicking the sunset and twilight. As the glow of his eyes increases, Indrid whispers, “thank you for keeping me company.”

“Thanks for lettin me outta the dungeon.”

Indrid lays his cheek on a pillow, smile flickering, “It was the least I could do.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So what do you do for fun?” Duck sips from a smooth, wooden cup as Indrid spreads swirls of purple and gold jam on his toast.

The king gestures to the crumpled drawings, then towards the halls leading to the throne room. 

“Only one of those seems fun. And according to you those drawings are to help you see the future.”

“I draw for pleasure as well. And I read. But you are right that, ever since I became king, my days are rather dull.” His ears prick up as a knock comes from the outermost door, “it seems my duties begin early.”

Duck stays in bed as Indrid piles on shimmering fabric and pants that are tight even on his narrow legs. He pulls half his hair back in a crown, tells Duck that the rooms are his to explore, and slips out the pitch black door.

He finds more clothes in his size laid out by a fireplace that crackles with blue and yellow light; Indrid must have gotten them for him. The king awoke sometime in the early morning with a cry of alarm--a bad dream, he said--and bustled about the room until Duck told him to get back in bed before he collapsed. He obeyed on the condition Duck held his hand. They woke up with their fingers still intertwined. 

The books in the room don’t offer much in the way of entertainment, as he can’t read a damn word. He finds a balcony overlooking a private garden, climbs a winding stair up and up until he can see across the roof of the castle to the labyrinth stretching beyond. It sucked to be carried off, but it’d suck way more to be a human stuck out there with god knows what. 

After a few hours he flops back into bed. Last night the ceiling showed stars, right now it shows a parade of fluffy, white clouds. He wonders if Indrid gets this bored and lonely. 

The cushions across from him begin rising as the bed frame appears from the floor. 

“Uh uh, you know he don’t want things that way.”

The room falls into affronted silence. Then the bed sinks back to the ground.

----------------------------------------------------------

“Show ‘em.”

“Three yews”

“I got triple willows. Which means, uh,” Duck searches for the diagram Indrid drew of the rules for Old Growth.

“You win this hand, so your piece advances.” Indrid tilts his head to where a small, pewter beetle animates and skitters three spaces, putting Duck only two spots from winning. Which would be a first. Even though Indrid doesn’t use his visions, having played this most of his life gives him an edge. 

The amount they enjoy their evenings together makes up for the grumbling that follows Indrid around the court; it seems a king having an amusement who’s friends with several of his advisors, who he trusts to attend court meetings, and who falls asleep with his head in the kings lap because they won’t give him a chair and the sessions are so fucking boring is unprecedented. 

Aubrey says she hasn’t seen Indrid this cheerful since he was informed his coronation was fast approaching. 

They each draw a new hand and Indrid snickers.

“I do not need foresight to tell me you are about to win.” He flips the cards to show three saplings, “that is the lowest hand one can get.”

Duck’s turns over his own hand, and the pewter beetle races to the final square. It’s body immediately changes to neon pink and it sprouts wings for a victory flight around the room before returning to the game box. The board blinks pink and purple and Indrid flaps his hands with delight. 

“It does something different for each player who wins, isn’t that neat?”

“Man, I oughta take you to play pinball sometime. You’d get a kick out of it. Here, lemme show you.” He hops up from the table and retrieves a crystal ball from the mantle, Indrid moving the game and the bowl of honeyberries they’ve been sharing--they’re Duck’s favorite fruit in the kingdom--to the floor to make room. 

“See, this is an arcade; this one is just in the Kepler Bowling Alley so it ain’t that fancy, but there are ones that are the size of city blocks.”

“Fascinating. Bowling is like nine pins, right?”

“Basically, yeah. Holy fuck” he leans closer, “there’s Juno.”

The image of his friend laughs, leaning against the James Bond pinball machine. Duck can practically smell the cheap pizza and shoe polish, see his car in the parking lot waiting to take him home. 

As the crystal goes dark, a cool hand rests atop his own. 

“You will see them all again some day. I promise. And I...I am sorry it is taking so long.”

Weeks ago, Duck would have scoffed. Now, after hours and hours of watching his friend try to claw his way through the bureaucracy, bend the rules, do literally anything outside of the words in that fucking book and being unable to every time, he knows the truth. 

“Would you, ah, like to walk in the gardens? The radiant camellias are finally blooming.” It’s an offering and apology rolled into one.

Duck links their hands and helps Indrid to his feet, “Yeah, I really would.”

--------------------------------------------------------

“This is absurd! There is no rule that says a king cannot bring an amusement to the ball, but because there isn’t one that says it is permitted, they are refusing to allow you to attend with me.” Indrid crosses his arms and legs as Duck joins him on the bed. They’re in their pajamas, the thick, silky fabric keeping the chilly air at bay. Indrid has a headache from the clamor of the days meetings, so they’ve opted for floating candles over the harsher lamp light. 

“What if you gave me some kind of, uh, promotion?”

“They wouldn’t let you be a guard, and I hate the thought of you being seen as my servant. I know amusement is not a dignified term, but there are fewer expectations attached to it; you become my steward or some such and suddenly you will not be permitted in here with me.”

Duck scoots closer, “There’s, uh, one more option.”

Indrid raises his eyebrows, “Duck, if you wish to share my bed, we could just pull those pillows over next to mine. You do not need to volunteer to be my consort. I know it is not a desirable position.” He smiles sadly, the soft light rendering his face dreamlike and captivating, “the previous king had beings of all kinds throwing themselves at him.”

“What’s a consort have to do? Besides the obvious.” Duck winks and Indrid blushes up to the tips of his ears. 

“Be charming to look at, interesting to speak to, and willing to give themselves to the king. If you are doing this just so we can sneak you into the ball I don’t think you are-”

Duck kisses him, light and chaste in case he needs to change course in a hurry. Then he’s nearly knocked backwards as the king clambers into his lap, chirps buzzing against his lips as he digs his fingers into Duck’s hair. He cups angular cheeks, holding them tenderly as Indrid nips and licks at his mouth. When they part, all he can think about is shoving his fingers between those sharp teeth and ordering the king to be a good boy and not bite while he absolutely wrecks him. 

“What was that about not being willin’?” 

“It seems I was mistaken. You, there were no futures where you did that.”

“Decided now was the right moment at, uh, at the moment it happened.”

“Such a clever creature. Shall we--oh, oh dear.” He clutches the front of his shirt, “you outsmarted me. Look.” 

Duck glances down and finds himself shimmering. The bed beneath him, the lights around him, everything is fading from his senses. Including Indrid.

“Fuck, what the fuck is with these fuckin magical rules? Do I not get a say in when I go?”

“It appears not.” Indrid is still in his lap sniffling, “goodbye, dearest. I am glad you will finally see your home.”

“But you’re still gonna be trapped here! That ain’t fair.”

“No. But those are the rules.”

“Fuck that.” Duck throws his arms around him, “seems to me you need a change of scene.”

“Please.” Indrid whispers as the room disappears and they fall up, up, and up before landing on grey carpet that Duck never thought he could miss. 

“We’re home.”

He stands up, wobbles, and so sits on the bed to keep from knocking his head on the dresser. Indrid groans, climbing up next to him just as the door opens. 

“Duck, you okay, I heard a thud?” Jane pokes her head in, then grins, “so that’s why you wanted me to go to bed. Mom and dad are gonna be pissed if they find out you snuck a date in while they were at poker night.”

“You don’t tell ‘em about this, I won’t tell ‘em about the you know what’s I found in the glovebox.”

“Fine.” Jane flips him off with a smile, “night big bro.”

“Night, goofus.”

“She’s learned well from you.” Indrid rubs his forehead, “should I sleep in that tree or somewhere else so you do not get in trouble.”

“Nah, you’re stayin right in this bed. I’ll tell my folks you ran away from home; that usually softens ‘em up.” He flops back and Indrid crawls into his arms, “you wanna go on a date to the arcade tomorrow?”

A soft purr as Indrid rests his head on his chest, “Absolutely.”

[popculturebuffet]

Goof Week: Sports Goofy in SoccerMania: GoofTales Woo-oo! (Paid For for WeirdKev27)

Gorsh all you happy people and welcome back to Goof Week, my Weeklong Celebration of everyone’s favorite goofus. 

And today we have a special treat, something nice and obscure but something that still has a vital place in Disney History. Welcome folks to Sports Goof in Soccermania!  

So yesterday in my Goof Troop review I wished there had been another DuckTales episode with Goofy, you know maybe find out what happened to Peg, see Max and Roxanne again that sort of thing.  Whelp SOMEONE must’ve hid a Monkey’s Paw around here somewhere because I got this special instead on comision. This is a VERY intresting little artifact as it came out only 4 months before DuckTales, was produced around the same time, and was written by Tad Stones, who would both go on to work on DuckTales and even more importantly create Darkwing Duck. 

Not only that but it has some odd things attached to it: it’s the first major production starting Scrooge, as he had an educational short about him, the first animated appearance of the Beagle Boys and most important the FIRST time Russi Taylor would voice Huey, Dewey and Louie, something she’d do till her passing a few years ago. At the time of this article she has not been recast, though I personally vote for Cristina Valenzuela, who took over the role of Young Donald and frankly does such a good job with that voice I didn’t know if Russi had already recorded lines for Season 3 before her passing. 

So what IS Sports Goofy in Soccermania you ask? It was a TV Special from 1987, again four months before DuckTales, that was later sold on VHS. My guess is Disney intended for this to become a regular thing like the Charlie Brown or Garfield specials, but my honest guess is with DuckTales MASSIVE success they wanted to put all the TV Animation resources into making more shows to go with it. The fact the special is essentailly a Scrooge story with Goofy in it and Scrooge and the Boys were now tied up in DuckTales probably helped the decision. So we only got one of these and i’m proud to share it for Goof Week. So join me under the cut to see what a Sports Goof is, what Scrooge sounds like without Alan Young or David Tennant andto see me refrence the film UHF because I likes it. 

 So we open with the titles which are neat and then open at the Money bin, we even get a great sign gag that looks like something Carl Barks would write.

So Scrooge greets his nephews the way he greets everybody.. with a canon to the face... though he backs of firing once he realizes it’s them. The boys ALL wear red this special so .. I guess Huey won and now rules all three bodies with an iron fist? So the Huey Hive Mind asks Scrooge for a donation, a standard Scrooge setup, ask the rich asshole for money, as their trying to help the local soccer program and they need a buck fiddy for a trophy. 

Scrooge’s voice here.. is terrible. I do not like to bash voice actors, they are hard working talented people who do a lot of great stuff, often for less pay than they deserve, and this blog ALWAYS makes that painfully clear. And Will Ryan is not without talent: While he hasn’t done much i’m familiar with he did play Petrie in Land Before Time and was great in it. So while I don’t dislike him as a person.. he did an utterly DREADFUL Scrooge. He dosen’t really attempt to do a scottish accent despite the character still saying cannae at one point, and as for what accent he is going for...

His Scrooge just sounds like someone trying to do a “foreign” accent and failing. It just sounds weird and makes every bit of his dialouge aside from one a chore to sit through. And the dialouge isn’t bad dialouge, it’s a well written and animated Scrooge even with the lower budget than Ducktales, but the voice just ruins it for me. Even without Young and Tennant to compare it to this just blows and the fact it’s paired up with the iconic Russi Taylor voice for the triplets.

This being Scrooge he instead fishes a Trophy out of the bin that’s all banged up and dinky and shoos them out. So in natural Barksian fashion the trophy turns out to be worth a million dollars. So we get some reaction shots.. INCLUDING GRANDMA DUCK!

For DuckTales fans joining us who have ZERO idea who that is, since she sadly did not make it into the reboot and Frank did have ideas, Grandma Duck is Donald, Della and Gladstone’s grandma. She’s a sweet old country woman who lives on a farm and is in fact the one who sold him Kilmotor HIll, with her husband renaming it from Killmule hill. I like her a lot since she reminds me of my own grandma and like her she still works when she can. Donald’s cousin Gus loafs around and eats as her farmhand. As you can tell I like her a lot, agani because she reminds me of one of my grandmas so this was nice even if she was only around for 20 seconds of screentime. 

This ends up in the paper and sends Scrooge through the roof, literally when he finds out. 

Two notes  before we move on: The bin has a unique really cool design , though I get why other productions haven’t used it: besides this one’s obscurity while cool it just looks a bit TOO nice for Scrooge. Even in 2017 while still damn cool looking it still looks practicle. This .. is not that.

This looks like MC Hammer built this. It still looks awesome bu tit’s just not Scrooge sadly. 

The other is that his Butler is named Jeeves here, but looks almost exactly like Duckworth. Just feels weird is all. 

Naturally the Beagle Boys happen upon the paper too and their leader, no name given has a plan: Enter legitmately and win the cup all legal like, which dosen’t sound like it lives up to the beagle code of no hones twork.... until he brings up theri going ot cheat their asses off. 

Meanwhile Scrooge tries bribing the boys with a giant trophy at their house... with Donald oddly absent despite Anselmo having taken over for Nash by this point. I know he was still a bit rough at the roll, but come on. It’s just.. weird especailly for reasons i’ll get into soon. 

So Scrooge agrees to sponsor the boys teams so he can get the trophy back square, and is forced to buy a knew ball and here we FINALLY get Goofy. I say finally because this special is 20 mintues long and it takes almost a fourth of it for him to arrive. It’s just weird for him to not be in it for so long. I mean I don’t want THIS

Flashbeagle didn’t take a fourth of the special to get to Flashbeagle. It did take longer than that to get to the title track but when your sitting on THIS

You gotta use it JUST right. Goofy here is not played by Bill Farmer, which IS odd as he did start playing him that year, but my guess is they weren’t sure if they were going with Farmer or the actor who played him in this special, Tony Pope, so they were trying out both as whoever DID get the role would have it for life. Disney takes the casting of the sensational 7 VERY seriously, as evidenced by the fact most cast changes are caused by death and unlike with Tony and Donald it’s clear Colvig hadn’t picked a succesor. I can also see why it’s a hard choice: while farmer IS excellent and was the right man for the job, Pope is still excellent in the role, bringing the warmth and energy you’d expect from Goofy and having excellent comedic timing that’s vital to getting the dog man right. I can see why this was such a hard choice, even if I also see they went with Farmer: Farmer just has slightly more energy to the roll. It’s a small diffrence and something that dosen’t effect the special, but it is a KEY diffrence and the reason Bill’s THE goofy to me even over his original voice actor Pinto Colvig. 

Also I may of mispoke there... see it’s not Goofy in this special it’s SPORTS Goofy. No really every bit of dialogue refers to him as Sports Goofy. It’d be like if they refered to then CEO Micheal Eisner as Won’t Think Through Eurodisneyland Micheal Eisner. 

So Sports Goofy helps them get a ball in an honestly awesome way and shows despite his clumsy manner, he’s damn cordinated, easily putting everything up and showing some real skill with the ball. So Moneygrubbing Scrooge decides Sports Goofy is his ticket to get the trophy back and recuits goofy as coach and star player for the boys team. 

So Asshole Scrooge meets his team the Greenbacks.. which are a bunch of random animal characters with no real personality. They are a hippo, a goat, expresso the ostrich, a navy (blue) seal,  an elephant in a beanie, a killaroo and a cheetah or leopard. But I have one question, really simple really easy one...

You need 11 players for a soccer team, thank you google. So they DID get that accurate. With Goofy and the Triplets you only need 7 more. THIS is why Donald’s absence is glaring: he’s just oddly not there when they needed 7 other characters but Elephant in a Beanie gets in there. And it’s not hard ot fill either: Donald , Daisy (Because duh), Gyro and Grandma Duck (Because both cameoed but I only mentioned Grandma Duck, though this is ALSO Gyro’s first apperance), Gladstone (who as it turns out had a cameo storyboarded that didn’t make it into the final product), Gus (Since grandma duck) and Scrooge’s butler since he was in an earlier scene anyway so why waste the character model. They could still play the same roll as easily steamrolled underdogs and it’d make more sense.  It just baffles me that with such a deep bench to play from, they don’t use ANY OF IT in favor of the cast of Animal Soccer World.

The Greenbacks can’t play for greenjack, which worries Scrooge.. but Goofy is able to carry them to the finals, while the Beagle Boys make their way there too. We find this out.. via newspaper transition. We get a bunch of headlines telling us what happened instead of you know a montage because that costs money and they already spent 1.50 making this special.. they only have 50 cents left. 

So the Beagles recognizing Sport Goofy is the only thing in their way plots a kidnappin. We get a gut busting scene of the beagles all hiding in Sports Goofy’s house with him being oblvious only to spring on him. 

The next day with Sports Goofy a no show the team is bummed, even mor ewhen they find a kidnapping note from Don’tGetNotToLeaveEvidence Beagle Boys. Seriously give that to the officals. 

So Asshole Scrooge tries to give a rousing speech... and it is a sight to behold and the one highlight of pope as scrooge... it’s why I picked it as the article image. That glitching isn’t me by the way: it REALLY does that. Coupled with the yellow eyes i’ts just fantastic. So the team decides to morosely play the game and Hivemind Huey boos scrooge for not having faith in him. Instead of again you know telling the officials. Maybe assimilating the other made Huey dumber. I

So the game begins and the Cheating Beagles cream the Give Up To Easily Green Backs, while Sports Goofy watches from the other Crime Beagles hideout. It honestly reminds me of UHF: a dumb well meaning guy whose vital to something succeding is kidnapped.. it dosen’t involve Weird Al dressing up as rambo but still. It also makes me want UHF but with the disney cast. Fethry as weird al, Donald as his best friend, Fethry’s girlfriend for the comcis as weird al’s girlfriend, Gyro as philo, Goofy as Stanley, and Pete of course is Stacey Keach. I could go on but you get the point. Someone draw this.  Sport Goofy is a clever bastard and escapes by working one of his shoes off, taking a nearbye knife and cutting himself free.. and almost stabbing a beagle boy in the face but that would just make two. Sport Goofy escapes and the lunkheaded beagle boys chase after him IN THEIR CAR WHILE GOOFY RUNS AHEAD OF IT.  Goofy, he can really move! Goofy, he’s got attitude! Goofy HE’S THE FASTEST THING ALLIIIIVEEEEEE. Sport Goofy makes it in time fo rhalf time, rallies the troops and it goes how you’d expect: They overcome the beagles blatant cheating, win the cup, the beagles attempt to cheat with a rigged ball backfires and they all get arrested. It’s by the numbers stuff. We end with Scrooge deciding to dontate the trophy instead (though in a great bit asking if it was tax deductible), and posing for a team shot> We get some awesome credits music and we’re out

Final Thoughts:

This special is mediocre: There are only a handful of great jokes, it’s your standard “teamwork makes the dreamwork plot” that dosen’t work because our underdogs really CAN’T play without their star, and Scrooge’s voice hurts to listen to. Pope and Taylor are great and while Will Ryan is an awful Scrooge, he is a good Beagle Boy or five. 

It IS worth a watch though. It’s riffable enough with the sometimes sloppy unfinished animatoin in the last part and Scrooge’s terrible voice, and it is still is a neat oddity for 90′s kids like myself to not only see Russi’s first thing as Huey Dewey and Louie, but to also see Scrooge and Goofy with vastly diffrent voice actors, as well as Gyro and the Beagle Boys first animated apperances. The fact this came just months before Ducktales makes it all the more intresting. So if your looking for a legit good Disney product.. this is shoddy at best if well meaning. But as a bit of disney history, especially only clocking in at 20 minutes so it’ sa brisk watch, it’s worth a look if your into that. 

Next On Goof Week: We come on in To The House of Mouse where goofy becomes faster than a speeding punchline,  more powerful than pete when his family has to wrestle him to the ground to take him to the doctor and able to make tall leaps of logic in a single bound. it’s SUPER GOOF!

So thank you for reading and if you liked this review give it a like and consider joining my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. As a patron you’d get access to exclusive reviews, the patreon’s discord and to pick a short each time I do one of these shortstaculars. Donald’s comnig next month and the deadline is in only a few days to join up for said month so the clock is ticking. Even a dollar a month helps me reach my stretch goals so please i fyou can sign up today and if not, I understand and i’ll see you at the next rainbow

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #217: DOUBLE-CROSS!

March, 1982

“A Hero’s Last Stand!”

Uh oh.

Double-cross? A hero’s last stand? Perhaps the most moving story I’ll read this year of 1982? The Avengers seemingly confronting Yellowjacket? Something bad is going to happen, isn’t it?

Actually, I covered this issue for my 100 Days of Comics from a random box liveblog thing! At the time I bemoaned I wouldn’t get to this one in my Essential Avengers liveblog for a long while and I was right! I said that in July 2017 and it is now July 2020!

But I’m going to be covering it again now that I can do so in context.

Huh.

I hadn’t thought about it but its kind of weird that Wasp and Yellowjacket kept being on the team roster square on the cover when they weren’t actively on the team. Tigra gets dropped right off when she leaves so I guess she’s gone for good, alas.

So the issue titled DOUBLE-CROSS! opens with a Mechano-Marauder bending a No Parking sign to let the Avengers exactly what he thinks of the Metropolitan Transit Authority.

And also to challenge the Avengers to come out and fight him.

ALSO GOD DAMN JIM SHOOTER

You don’t play around with the credits section or you kinda do! You’ve made an essay of it again!

Anyway, a minor but important detail is that a telephone repair man sees the Mechano-Marauder marauding and just exclaims he hates working this neighborhood.

One presumes that this happens a lot off-screen.

The Mechano-Marauder just keeps shouting that he’s going to come inside if the Avengers don’t come out to play so Jarvis is like sigh guess I’ll get Iron Man.

Iron Man is, of course, sitting in full armor with his feet up on the ottoman reading the newspaper looking ridiculous because its Iron Man in full armor with his feet up reading the newspaper.

Here, just look.

Anyway, Jarvis asks if Iron Man wants him to just... call the police on the guy in the robot suit? But Iron Man decides That This Is Something He Might As Well Take Care of Himself.

Because it gives him a chance to test out the Brand New Iron Skates!

It has been a long time, a long trying time, without the Iron Skates.

Since this is a goofus cold open nothing villain, the Iron Skates can be displayed to their full majesty.

Hmm. You know, I love the Iron Skates as much as anyone else but probably more than anyone else but look how serious the cover looks and now look at where we are in this opening section tonewise.

Iron Man jets right at the Mechano-Marauder, mocks him a little, and bowls him over.

Iron Man: “Mechano Marauder? That’s what you call yourself? Give me a break! Why does every clown with a workbench think he can build exo-skeleton armor?”

Mechano-Marauder: “You dare to mock me?”

Iron Man: “Hey, you made up that dumb name, fella!”

As this is going on, Janet van Dyne arrives in her limo, sees the guy in the robot suit fighting Iron Man, decides its not really a problem, tells her chauffeur to take some time off, and heads into the mansion telling Iron Man to call if he needs any help.

Mechano-Marauder: “She -- she ignored me! And you -- you’re making light of my attack! Well, let’s see you make light of *ungh* this!”

And he picks up Jan’s limo and hurls it at Iron Man.

Iron Man: “Mister, you’re lucky that car is almost a month old! Jan was about to replace it anyway! She usually buys a new limo every month... or whenever the old one gets dirty!”

And then he effortlessly deflects the thrown car.

Hey. Hey Jan. I think possibly you have too much money. Water exists.

And then Cap rides up on his motorcycle, sees Iron Man bouncing a car back at some guy in a robot suit, and goes hey chum need any help?

Iron Man says nah so Cap just ramps Jan’s limo to jump the mansion wall.

Because. If its leaning against a wall like a ramp, why not? And people say Cap is a stick-in-the-mud. Man just wants to do rad motorcycle stunts and punch Nazis.

Mechano-Marauder: “captain america ignored me, too!”

Captain America: (I hope Iron Man doesn’t take too long with that clown! This is an important meeting -- I’m anxious to get it underway!)

Thor also arrives but he so ignores Iron Man fighting some guy that he doesn’t even comment on it or even pause to look.

I like that the Avengers can all just tell that this isn’t an important villain or something that requires more than one of them half-assing a fight. I wonder how they know. They’ve had sillier looking villains that they’re treated more seriously.

Maybe they just have a sort of plot sense and know that this is but an appetizer to whet the appetite of the action junkies.

Anyway, inside Jan is explaining to Jarvis that she went down to the Dominican Republic during her time off because its just easier to process a divorce down there. Which I’ll take her word for.

The Wasp: “Anyway, it’s over now! No more Mrs. Hank Pym -- I’m Janet van Dyne again, free and single!”

Jarvis: “I see, madame...” (... And I also see that you are far more troubled by what has happened than you will admit even to yourself!)

Jan is really doing the barrelling ahead everything is fine forever now method.

Meanwhile, outside Iron Man is still just half-assing the fight but is also winning while half-assing which doesn’t make the Mechano-Marauder look very good.

I’d say that building a robot suit that can lift cars is still pretty impressive but Iron Man implies that its something that people can just sorta build in this universe.

You’d think we’d see more casual robot suits around if that were the case, though.

Anyway, even though Iron Man is half-assing this he does realize ‘hey wait who the hell even is this guy?’

Iron Man: “There’s something I don’t understand... what is your motive in this? Revenge? Or do you want to steal something? Or what?”

Mechano-Marauder: “I -- I want to be somebody... So I built this suit...”

Iron Man: “That alone is quite an achievement -- even if your armor isn’t in a class with mine!”

Mechano-Marauder proclaims that’s not enough, that he’s got to prove- Something. He gets cut off because Iron Man does him a punch and declares that he’s wasted enough time with this.

Y’know, I did rather suspect he was wasting time.

Iron Man: “Anyone with your obvious brains and resources who’s got to do this to ‘prove himself’ has to be the biggest fool in the world!”

So I guess it isn’t something that anyone with a workbench can build and it is sorta an impressive achievement, like Iron Man said.

But I don’t think Iron Man is strictly thinking about the Mechano-Marauder when he says the biggest fool in the thing. Because when the unmechano’d marauder proclaims that Iron Man hasn’t seen the last of Fabian Stankowicz!! Iron Man just darkly mutters “blow it out your ear!”

So I think he’s thinking of Hank.

Gosh, Hank Pym has been thematically echoed with Gorn, with Ghost Rider, and with Fabian Stankowicz! So many Hank echo fighters.

(I want to joke that this IS the last we’ll see of Fabian Stankowicz because his whole deal screams one-and-done but no, he has more appearances after this!)

Speaking of thinking of Hank, with Fabian Stankowicz defeated not-forever, Iron Man goes back inside the mansion and to the communication room. The phones are dead (because the phone repair guy got startled off on the opening splash. See, it did come up) and he wanted to call Tony Stark’s secretary to see if Hank Pym has called.

Its been weeks since he disappeared!

Speaking of the man, he’s wandering the streets heavy dwelling on the events of Avengers #213. But it has been weeks so he’s finally ready to make an action and get his life back together.

Hank Pym: “None of that seems real now! I -- I realize that I was jealous of Jan -- her money, her glamour... the more she did for me, the more I resented her! I have a choice! I can go on running, hiding from my failures... or I can swallow my pride and take the first step on the road back... If I’m going to get back on my feet and win my beautiful Janet back -- I... I’m going to need some help!”

So he swallows his pride and dials Stark International.

Hank calls and asks to speak with Tony, unconvincingly saying that he’s a friend and then backtracking and saying that Tony knows him.

The secretary thinks he’s a crackpot and is also tired of taking messages so she just puts him on forever-hold.

And Hank would probably have held for it. But he was on his last dime so when time runs out he can’t deposit anything more to stay on the line.

It happens that Tony Stark’s real secretary Mrs. Arbogast returns from nose powdery to relieve the pinch-hitter one who didn’t want to take a message.

Shiela: “I must have taken a zillion message, Mrs. Arbogast! Oh, and I just now put a guy on hold! He said his name was Henry Primm or something...”

Mrs. Arbogast: “Henry... Pym?! Tony’s been praying that he’d call!”

And she lunges for the phone but alas that’s when Hank’s time runs out and the call disconnects.

Dammit, Shiela! You made Hank think he was getting the brush off!

Even if you don’t care about a broken down guy like Hank Pym, think how difficult you’ve made life for Mrs. Arbogast when she has to tell Tony that he missed a call from Hank!

Mrs. Arbogast: “He... he’s gone! I missed him! Tony’s going to kill me!”

DAMMIT SHIELA!

Meanwhile, Tony Stark is currently blissfully unaware of this. He’s opening the meeting, politely complimenting the Wasp. Just living his Tony life.

But when Captain America goes to open the meeting as the current chairman, Jan raises her hand.

She points out that Cap has been chairman for a pretty long time (and done a wonderful job, really!) but its time for someone else to have a turn. Maybe someone who hasn’t had a go at it. Maybe someone winsome and wonderful like the Wasp. Yes, she’s nominating herself.

What a coup.

Iron Man: “You want to be the chairman -- uh, chairperson, Jan? Well, I... guess that’s okay...”

Wasp: “So second the motion!”

Iron Man: “sure... i second...”

Thor: “You have had much turmoil in your life of late, Janet! Surely the responsibility, the burden of --”

Wasp: “‘Yea’ or ‘nay’ please, Thor... okay?”

Thor: “Thou are bold, woman! Hm! Yea, then! So be it!”

Cap: “I can’t say it’s the easiest job I ever had, Jan, and I can’t believe you want it, but... Let’s make it unanimous!”

And boom! The Wasp is chairperson of the Avengers! After ages of being treated like a sidekick instead of an Avenger in her own right!

All it took was a dab of confidence and a dash of railroading a meeting. That’s politics!

But also this book really is delivering on a Wasp who isn’t burying herself anymore.

Freshly divorced Wasp is hitting the ground running.

God only knows what she’ll be up to in a week if she keeps this pace going.

Meanwhile, Hank Pym wanders into a bar to drown his sorrows. Or splash his sorrows in a puddle.

He doesn’t have any money.

But then a familiar face offers to buy him a drink.

If I asked you to guess who it was, you’d never (except for the panels I included). Because its Elihas Starr!

Y’know, Egghead? Hank Pym’s..... uh..... archnemesis probably? I mean its either him or Whirlwind and I’m not dignifying that.

Huh. I never really thought about it but Egghead resembles a mustacheless Robotnik and I don’t like that cursed thought.

Anyway, Egghead has an offer for Hank and what has the ex-Avenger have to lose by hearing it?

Hank goes well ok speak fast because in a minute I’m going to drag you to the police to turn you in and see if that makes me feel anything again.

Egghead: “Ah, yes! I was your first foe years ago when you’d just started out as a crime-fighter! We’ve crossed swords so many times... I know you well, Dr. Pym! I realize the risk I’ve taken meeting you like this! I would not do so without good reason!”

So here’s the thing.

Egghead has a niece called Trish Starr.

She was introduced in Ant-Man’s solo in Marvel Feature #5. Egghead tried to steal Trish’s ‘child prodigy brains’ and add them to his brains so he could take over the world.

I dunno, I’m looking at a synopsis here.

Hank destroys the brain drain machine like a good superhero and thwarts Egghead.

And then later Egghead planted a car bomb that caused Trish to lose her arm because he blamed her for his misfortunes.

The important thing though is that in hindsight he has realized that this was a major dick move and he wants to make it right.

Egghead: “Surely, you know how it’s possible to get so involved... so swept up with yourself that you lose sight of what’s really important! Surely, you understand what it is -- how it feels to know you’ve been cruel to someone you love!”

Wow! Is that another Hank Pym echo fighter for the pile? Wasn’t expecting Egghead to join the brawl but comics keep you on your toes.

Egghead says that he’s getting older and realized that he’s wasted his life on silly superhero schemes. All he has left is his niece. And she hates and fears him for what he’s done.

But nevertheless he wants to make it right so he’s built her a bionic arm to replace her missing one.

Its super sophisticated. Real top of the line cutting edge stuff. Thought controlled. Biofeedback that provides a sense of touch. You slap a sleeve of plastic skin over it, it’d be as good as not having lost her arm.

But Trish won’t accept it from Egghead because, uh, he blew her arm off with a car bomb.

But she would trust Hank Pym.

And Hank Pym is an expert bio-physicist. One of the few skilled enough to attach the arm.

Egghead isn’t asking for a favor. He’ll give Hank $500,000 to do this thing.

Hank really needs the money but he also doesn’t feel right accepting it. So Egghead proposes hey you take the money now, donate a like sum to charity when you’re back on your feet.

And Hank decides he can agree to this.

He does really need the money.

On a plane to Arizona to meet with Trish Starr, Hank actually feels like things are looking up. He’s got a plan out of this deep hole he’s dug himself into and that’s more than he’s had for a while.

Hank Pym: “I can pay off all my creditors... rent a nice apartment in the city... even set myself up in business as a consultant, maybe! And then, look out, Janet, ‘cause old Hank is going to make a comeback -- and I’m not going to quit trying till you’re mine again!”

He is very optimistic.

I’m not sure that his relationship with Jan can be repaired but at least he realizes he needs to sort the rest of his life out first.

And the ‘i’m not going to quit trying till you’re mine again’ thing is considered less romantic than it once would have been. But at least he’ll be putting the effort into the relationship if a relationship is to exist.

I dunno. We’ll see.

So Hank takes a quick break after landing in Arizona to clean himself up and put on his Yellowjacket costume so he looks more confidant superhero and less disaster spiral.

And Trish is actually happy to see Dr. Pym. She’s heard of his troubles and even offers any help that she can.

Wow, Trish is really nice.

Yellowjacket explains the nonsense. That her uncle feels bad and built her a robot arm.

She is, reasonably, hesitant. She does not trust him.

Yellowjacket: “At first, I didn’t either, Trish. But, you know, I’ve been through a lot lately! I pretty much hit bottom! It opened my eyes! I think I understand your uncle fairly well now -- and I think he’s sincere!"

Plus, trust but verify. Hank isn’t completely a fool. On the way, he examined the arm thoroughly and its exactly what it appears to be. No hidden tricks or traps or hijinxes.

So Trish agrees to try on the arm.

Forty-seven minutes pass, which seems like a decent length of time to adjust cybernetics, I guess.

Trish is overjoyed to have two arms again!

So overjoyed that she slaps Yellowjacket right across the face!

Wait, what?

The arm is out of control, moving on its own. Yellowjacket thinks the cybernetic linkage must be out of whack but he was sure he connected it perfectly.

At Trish’s insistence, he decides to disconnect it but suddenly Trish gets wiggly speech bubbles and tells Yellowjacket “Do not approach her! Touch her and she dies!”

But aw shit, its Egghead!

Egghead: “The arm you so earnestly attached to the girl has given me, Egghead, complete control over her! I can see through her eyes, speak through her mouth and direct her every move, all from my secret, hidden base! you ninny!”

Wow, how Eggman of you, Egghead.

Also, do you have ANY plans that don’t exploit your niece? The hell, dude!

Yellowjacket objects that he checked the arm for just this sort of nonsense but Egghead laughs that Hank just isn’t as smart as he is. He knew that Hank would examine the arm carefully so he designed it so he could alter it by remote control!

... You’d think that Hank would have been able to see that the circuits were designed to change shape like that. Or the receivers for the remote control signal. Or something.

Yeah, this was dumb of you, Hank. Or authorial fiat. Whichever.

Egghead also threatens that if Hank refuses to obey him and the arm will self-destruct and kill Trish.

Because Egghead also doesn’t have any plans that don’t involve blowing up his niece apparently!

Egghead: “You have ten seconds to swear to absolute obedience! Nine... eight...”

Yellowjacket: “All right! All right! Don’t kill her! what do you want me to do?”

So not much of one but small silver lining? At least Egghead isn’t a thematic echo of you, Hank?

Anyway, Egghead orders Hank to take a flight to Omaha, Nebraska (which means he’s gone from New York, New York to Flagstaff, Arizona to Omaha, Nebraska. He’s piling up the frequent flier miles) where he’ll find a tractor-trailer rig which he is to drive to the Strategic Air Command Headquarters.

And when they get there, Hank is to infiltrate the headquarters. And he’s being timed. If he takes a second longer than Egghead has calculated he needs, Egghead will kill Trish.

So Yellowjacket Hank has no choice but to play along for now while desperately trying to think of a way to ruin Egghead’s plans without endangering Trish.

And as he’s flying tiny and unseen through the labyrinthine base, he realizes he knows this place. The Avengers were privy to this and other top secret installations.

So he knows there’s a hot-line and alarm system direct to Avengers Mansion!

So he detours to press the button.

It’s a gamble to assemble the Avengers without being able to contact them ahead of time and having to clue the Avengers in without tipping off Egghead but if he can manage that, then Iron Man could jam Egghead’s control signals to the arm so Hank can remove it without it exploding!

Yellowjacket: “It’s a big gamble summoning them -- but I have a hunch that I’ll be glad I did!”

But for now he’s got to hurry to make up for lost time so he doesn’t run behind schedule.

Outside the base, Remote Control Trish rolls up to the guard post in the tractor-trailer under the pretense of needing directions but as soon as the soldiers start questioning why she has a mechanical arm and why she’s not wearing a shirt, Egghead just shrugs, I assume, and goes for audacity.

Egghead!Trish: “My partner will arrive soon! He should be in the airshaft now -- crossing from S.A.C. headquarters to the underground bunker directly below this guard post. In a moment he’ll render unconscious the guards below -- and then open up your little fortress from within for me! I’ll be nice and warm inside in seconds!”

Guard: “Ma’am, ah do believe y’all are plumb loco!”

Egghead!Trish: -beats them up- “Dolts!”

I have to admit, I do like this trope when people just confess to the whole plan as a distraction, often before throwing hands.

Inside, Hank kicks the open button just as Remote Control Trish is strolling up to the hidden elevator.

At the bottom, Egghead!Trish chides Hank for being .6 seconds late.

Which is awfully pedantic. Egghead specifically said “take but a second longer” and he was a little under a second slow.

Anyway, Egghead tells Hank to neutralize the lock on the vault.

So Hank tinies and heads inside the lock. Luckily, its almost the same lock on the vault in the Avengers Mansion lab. So Hank knows where to find and snip the master power circuit to disable the alarms.

The vault also has a deadbolt that a bulldozer couldn’t snap but Remote Control Trish grabs the lock and rips the deadbolt clean off.

Although Egghead also points out that Hank’s inbuilt disruptor sting could have shattered the lock.

Inside the vault is the entirety of the United States’ strategic stockpile of adamantium resins.

Adamantium is considered absolutely impervious to all known agents of destruction (which isn’t entirely true but its so close to true that lets just go with it).

Egghead: “But you know all about adamantium, don’t you, Dr. Pym? You’ve used it in building robots... like the one you used in your ill-fated attempt to influence your recent court-martial!”

This is a sore subject but despite Hank telling Egghead to shut up, he just keeps rubbing salt into the wound by talking about how much Hank failed with his ‘kill his friends’ robot plan.

Egghead: “Yes, that was a very clever plan you had, Dr. Pym! Too bad you so stupidly blew it!”

You’re adding a lot of insult to injury, Egghead. You’re a petty sort of supervillain, aintcha?

But a petty sort of supervillain with a meticulously crafted plan because the canisters of resin are extracted from the last protections, brought up the elevator, and loaded onto the truck bing bam boom, done.

And with no one the wiser except those unconscious guards, Remote Control Trish and Yellowjacket drive away from the secret base in the truck.

Egghead: “It may interest you to know, Dr. Pym, that, like you, I intend to use this adamantium -- to build robots! Unlike yours, however, mine will have no weak points!”

Yellowjacket: “And then?”

Egghead: “Have you no imagination, Dr. Pym? Obviously, my invincible robot raiders will be able to ‘acquire’ for me whatever I need to further my plans for world conquest! Gold, nuclear arms...”

I feel that if you’re using robots to ‘acquire’ things for you, you don’t actually need gold. Gold is most useful for exchanging for goods and services and it doesn’t sound like Egghead has plans to buy anything anymore.

But as he’s musing about all the things he’ll steal, he sees (through Trish) the Avengers fly overhead!

Hank hitting that button worked to summon the Avengers!

Hank is hyped that they’ve arrived but he never actually completed the other half of the plan. Step 1 Call the Avengers, step 2 ?????, step 3 Everything is better forever.

And step 2 was a very important step. The linchpin even.

So the Avengers show up and park the quinjet right across the road to stop the truck.

(I love that there is a panel that is basically the cover although there’s not a bit where Yellowjacket stands opposite the Avengers so the cover is, alas, still a lie. I like it quite a bit though.)

The Avengers got to the base, found the unconscious guards, got a description of the truck, and followed the road until they found it.

But Egghead goes ‘ok change of plans, you get to fight the entire team or I kill the girl because that hasn’t stopped being a thing I’m threatening.’

He also pretty strongly suspects that Hank is the one who called the Avengers here and says it’ll be on his head if anything happens to Trish.

Hank muses that he could take one or two of them with some luck but taking all four Avengers is out of the question!

I think he’s forgotten the multiple times he’s either soloed the team or did unreasonably well.

But with no choice, Yellowjacket flies out of the truck and starts attacking immediately while the Avengers are still in the ‘hey thats our good pal Hank, whats he doing here’ mode.

Wasp is calling the shots and the shot she calls is ‘hey if he doesn’t want to talk, bring him down!’

Cap throws his mighty shield and Hank does seem to yield! Or disappear! He shrinks out of sight and too small to pick up on radar.

Iron Man and Cap are convinced Hank booked it but Wasp is sure that he’s no coward but might have gotten very small and hidden somewhere.

And she’s right. And its hilarious.

Hank has been hitching a ride on Cap’s shield so when it boomerangs back to the guy, Hank blasts him near point blank with his disruptor sting.

Hank counts himself lucky since its not easy to catch Cap unawares but then is caught unawares himself.

Wasp knew Hank was around somewhere so she gets the drop on him, blasting him with her own sting.

She demands to know why Hank is betraying everything he’s stood for his whole life but Hank doesn’t dare explain even in a tiny size conversation with his ex, for fear that Egghead might suspect betrayal.

So instead he just backhands Wasp.

I feeeeeeeeeeel like this was not a great fight choreography decision given the controversy about #213 which surely must have been brewing even four months later.

Yellowjacket: (Darn it, Jan! How many times have I told you not to close in so quickly? You only hit me with a glancing sting-blast! I’m sorry, Janet!)

I also feel like his dreamed of winning her back is about this much further out of his reach now.

Best laid plans.

By this point, Iron Man has gotten Yellowjacket on his radar again (specifying that he can track him no matter how small he gets. Unless he’s riding on Cap’s shield, which evidently baffled the radar). He repulsor blasts Yellowjacket towards Thor and tells Thor to grab him.

Yellowjacket: “They’re pulling their punches... taking it easy on me! That gives me a chance! Provided I can keep the element of surprise, and I’m utterly ruthless -- I may yet be able to win... and save Trish’s life!”

And then he turns the momentum of being repulsored into a kick that knocks Thor to the ground.

I do like the choreography of it. And how Yellowjacket is reasoning through how one him can beat four Avengers when he should be at a huge disadvantage.

Although I think the best part of this is that Egghead is watching this remotely cheering Hank on like this is a sports match.

Egghead: “Good work, Pym! Hit him again! C’mon bash ‘em! You can do it!”

Granted, he probably could be helping. Driving the truck away, or something? Spectating is fine too, I guess.

Yellowjacket then manages to pop up right by Cap and Iron Man and blast them both.

That’s three of the Avengers down for the moment, now he just has to find the Wasp.

But she’s still the one most wise to his tricks so while he was kicking Thor in the face and disruptor blasting Cap and Iron Man, she was lurking by the Quinjet waiting for the right opportunity.

Wasp: “You’re not getting away from me this time! The party’s over! You know the trouble with you is that you have only one good trick... and I can do it too!”

And the one good trick is apparently, by context and inference, suddenly growing big and smacking someone by surprise.

She hits him like a volleyball towards Cap, who smacks him towards Iron Man, who WAK!s him towards Thor who catches Yellowjacket.

God.

This sequence is spectacular.

Not for Hank, granted.

Thor: “Verily, small one, thy mischief is at an end! Now, speak, or tempt my wrath! Explain this knavery, or...”

Yellowjacket: “I had to do it, Thor! Because I failed to defeat you, an innocent girl is going to die! Any moment now, Egghead is going to push the button that kills her!”

Having lost anyway, Yellowjacket spills all the beans about Egghead and the exploding arm. And since he hasn’t heard a Trish shattering kaboom, he begs Iron Man to jam the command signals to the arm!

Iron Man goes to investigate Trish in the truck but he can’t find any transmission to the arm. And scanning it, he can’t find any booby traps. And he finds it fairly simple to remove.

Because: Egghead stopped transmitting once Hank got beat. And insult to the insulted injury already dealt, there never was a booby trap. Egghead had been lying through his teeth about it.

And: to cover his tracks, he planted some false memories into Trish’s brain while she was under control.

So when the arm is removed (Thor covers Trish with his cape because he’s gallant like that) and Hank begs Trish to tell the Avengers about how Egghead is behind everything, Trish remembers it differently.

Trish: “Egghead? I don’t remember anything about Egghead? You talked me into letting you attach it -- and then it forced me to do as you commanded! I -- I can’t lie for you, Dr. Pym!”

Oof.

Dammit Egghead, you suck.

Yellowjacket: “But -- but it was Egghead’s doing! You’ve got to believe me! P-please!”

Iron Man: “Are you going to come quietly, Hank, or...”

Yellowjacket: “i -- i’ll come...”

And hours later, the Avengers sit around brooding moodily in one of their many sitting rooms when Jarvis brings in the paper.

But Cap tells Jarvis to just leave it. Nobody is in a mood to read it just yet.

Because prominently displayed at the page 1 headline of the Daily Bugle: “EX-AVENGER JAILED!”

Jarvis: “Yes sir... I understand exactly how you feel!”

Oof.

This issue hurts a bit. Not in the same way as issue #213 where it was Yellowjacket being increasingly vile to the one who cared most about him and devolving into a paranoid blame-shifting rant when he has the chance to defend his actions.

This one hurts because Hank did almost everything right. This isn’t Hank spiraling into a breakdown Hank. This is Hank on the upswing, making plans to make good of himself again, wanting to help people, wanting to thwart the villain.

His primary error was trusting a supervillain but he did due diligence there, examining the arm thoroughly just in case only to end up surprised by comic book nonsense technology.

But when he gets roped into the scheme, he summons the Avengers trusting them to help stop Egghead even though he has reason to suspect that they’ve just totally disowned him for his terrible behavior.

This is a common comic book trope, the person forced to work for the villain because of a hostage or something. Hank himself has been in the situation a couple times.

It just doesn’t... work out this time.

Egghead covers his tracks too well. And the Avengers are primed to believe the worst about Hank.

They want to believe the best.

Cap had a whole character beat about having to trust Hank to pull himself back up. Iron Man has been desperate to reach Hank to get him a job and psychiatric care for his breakdowns.

(Its actually interesting how the fall of Hank Pym arc has been kept going without having him front and center through all those thematic echoes. We get to see how the Avengers are dealing with their Hank feelings while also doing other things.)

But still, this situation has to remind them too heavily of the engineered heroics he pulled during the court martial. AND adamantium is being stolen? The stuff the kill-your-friends robot was made out of?

Too many things line up and Hank has been missing and incommunicado with his friends. When they find him with the stolen adamantium and he won’t explain himself, they have to be thinking ‘no, well, this tracks, actually.’

There’s one thing Hank could have said that could have made them start pulling threads.

‘I’m the one who tripped the alarm that summoned you.’

But I think with everything lined up against him, including his past behavior, Hank doesn’t think they’ll ever believe him. He thinks his friends have rightly abandoned him.

So in the end, he just meekly surrenders into disgrace.

And that’s why this issue hurt a little.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because you want to see what awaits Hank and because you thought Jan had a good showing beating him up. Sucks for Hank but dang, good job, Wasp. Likes and reblogs are also appreciated.

[ellohcee]

It's just a night of blankets and cuddles and soothing David until he's content just nestled against Jasper's chest with a noodle curled up by his face. Damn tho Demon David is lowkey hella secretly badass and ferocious

Totes. Like David's looking a little tense and Jasper gently squishes his face and smooches him and is just a goofus until he makes David laugh. Gets him up in a big old hug and they just stay wrapped around each other until further notice.

[glow-worm]

Powerless - Ch. 4/4

(Read the rest of this fic on AO3 or here on tumblr)

As the Starblaster broke through a new plane, Lup watched Taako’s empty chair eagerly, her hands clasped together in anticipation.

The Light rebuilt him, and as soon as he reformed he threw his hands up in front of him and shut his eyes tight with an “Oh, shit!”

Lup’s brow furrowed in concern. “Taako?” She prompted.

He opened one eye cautiously, then both shot open wide as he searched his surroundings.

“What the fuck!” He exclaimed. “Did I die?!”

She smiled. Barry was right.

“Yeah, goofus,” she said. “Welcome back.”

“That thing killed me?!” He asked, shocked.

“One hit,” Lup said, feigning nonchalance. “Killed you real good.”

“One hit?” Taako repeated. He folded his arms across his chest, disappointed. “Damn.”

“Merle,” Davenport began, standing up straighter than he had in months. He tossed his crutch to the side. “Magnus, Taako. Welcome back.”

“Damn,” Merle laughed. “You guys really can’t stay alive without me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Magnus dismissed, instinctively reaching for an injury that was no longer there.

“For all you complain about my healing,” Merle began. “Sure sounds like you miss it when it’s gone!”

“Your healing is very helpful, Merle,” Magnus said. “But you know what would be really helpful? If our cleric could stay alive for five minutes.”

“Alright, alright, enough,” Davenport said. “I’m gonna get us to a safe spot, then we can recap and get the lay of the land. Looks...relatively normal? Then again, so did the last one...”

The Starblaster landed in a forest clearing a safe distance from a nearby village. They’d have some exploring to do later.

They filled Taako, Merle, and Magnus in on everything that had happened after they died while Lup busied herself in the kitchen, starting to prep a meal.

Taako had expected Lup to be a little bit...clingier.

Not that his feelings were hurt, but—she cared, didn’t she?

He noticed immediately that Barry was less shy about touching his sister. She asked Barry for help in the kitchen since Taako was deep in the recap, and Barry put a hand on her shoulder—for no particular reason! Taako wasn’t sure how to react. After all, things were getting...inevitable.

Well, Barry Bluejeans was a really good guy.

“Taako, if you’re caught up, come help me,” Lup called. “I’ve been cooking for five months.”

“Our friends haven’t had a decent meal for five months?” Taako feigned shock. “Tragic. Move it, goofus, I’ll make the sauce.”

Lup stepped out of the way while Taako sifted through the spice cabinet.

He had just gotten his hands on the oregano when he felt Lup wrap her arms tight around him, her face buried in the back of his shoulder.

Yeah—this was more of what he was expecting.

Something about the tightness told him he couldn’t joke about it yet, so instead he turned himself around and returned her embrace. He could tell from her breathing that she was fighting back tears.

He placed a hand on the back of her head and held her close, then he locked eyes with Barry, who was watching them with uncertainty from a few feet away. Taako gave him a nod of acknowledgement before returning his focus back to comforting his sister.

That night, the four who had survived the last cycle decided they were too stir crazy—not having been able to leave the ship much towards the end of the year—and wanted to camp outside.

Taako couldn’t have been less interested, but he couldn’t say no to Lup right now.

The rest of the crew slept on bedrolls around a bonfire, while the twins sat together far enough apart from the others so as not to be heard.

That night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Lup and Taako sat back to back with their legs crossed and folded. It was a position they often took when they kept watch—they could trance and watch over the others at the same time.

The twins rested in silence for an hour, listening to the sound of the fire crackling and popping. Taako was starting to wonder if he should say something, since Lup clearly had things on her mind—but she wound up speaking before he could think of how to start.

“Taako,” Lup addressed quietly. “That sucked.”

He opened his eyes and frowned, turning his head slightly so he could see at least part of her face out of the corner of his eye.

“I didn’t have much choice in the matter, Lulu,” he responded under his breath.

“I know that,” she whispered. “I just. That was. The most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. And...I missed you, so much.”

“Well,” he started. “I’m here now. I know this whole situation is hell, in a way, but at least when we die we...y’know. Get better. Sorry. It must have been rough without me. Cause I’m so amazing and cool.”

Lup ignored his quip, which he took as a signal that she did indeed have a rough time and wasn’t in the mood for jokes.

“We’re gonna get out of this, Taako,” Lup said. “We are. One way or another.”

Taako moved his hands from his knees and folded them together in his lap.

“I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately,” Taako began cautiously. “Lup...are you sure that’s what you want?”

“What?”

“I mean, I get it,” Taako said. “All these planes are getting their shit wrecked. And we’ve been through some shit, yeah, but...come on, Lup, you can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. How long we’ve been at this?”

Lup didn’t answer, so Taako continued.

“Think about it...thirty years. We haven’t aged because of the resets. But if we weren’t caught in these cycles...Barry, Mags, and Lucretia would be old. They’d be half way through their lives—they could be grandparents. And we...we really wouldn’t have aged at all. Thirty years is nothing to us, but it’s a third of a human life. At least.”

“I know. I think about that all the time. But...all this destruction? It’s not worth it. It’s not fair,” Lup balled her hands into fists.  “I’m grateful for the extra time we’ve had with Barry, and Lucretia and Magnus, but...I’m so tired, Taako. Aren’t you?”

“Of course,” Taako responded. “It’s just...if we do get out of this, what’s gonna happen? What if our ages, or our injuries catch up to us? What if you have to watch Barry get old, while you don’t change at all?”

Lup was taken aback. “Wh—What does that have to do with—why Barry?”

“Don’t play dumb, dingus,” he said. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Elven-human relationships back home were often viewed as inherently tragic. To the elf, their human was gone in the blink of an eye.

“All I’m saying is...I know this is hard, but in a way...we’re lucky,” Taako mused. “We’ve got something most folks would kill for. Time. And unlimited second chances. We shouldn’t waste them, or wish them away when things go a little south.”

Lup thought for a moment, then let out a bitter laugh. “Hah, yeah. See if you can keep up that point of view next time I beef it.”

“Oh, you know that’s not gonna happen, bubbeleh,” he remarked with a smile. “I mean, I’ll give it a shot, but—lets both try not to die, huh?”

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

He felt her reach for his hand. He rolled his eyes. After all, he’d seen her and all of his friends die more than once. But he bit back his snark and tried to be sympathetic—she had never been without him, after all—and locked his fingers into hers.

His urge for snark won out.

“Nerd,” he commented.

“Shut uuuuuup,” she retorted.

That night, Lup rested better than she had in months.

[queertazsecretsanta]

A gift for @nekosd43, created by @all-made-of-stardust!

You gave me a great challenge, as I've never written Taagnus before!  I actually really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it!  Happy Candlenights!

The dish that Magnus crafted is based on this recipe I found online: https://damndelicious.net/2015/01/30/bacon-ranch-cheese-ball/

~~

Oddly enough, it was Davenport who suggested the Secret Star King.

This cycle was by far not the first one where they’d celebrated Candlenights alone on the Starblaster, decorating a bush Merle had cultivated the months before, singing a few songs, and enjoying each others company.  But up until now any gifts they exchanged were small, and somewhat superficial, as at that point being with each other mattered more than any material goods.

That ideal still stood when they arrived on Loven, a softer tranquil farming world filled with kind people and quiet nights.  The Light had landed in the mountains to the east, and upon a short journey over and up, the crew found a small colony of monks living cozily in the cold.  They were surprised to see strangers, but quite friendly.  And after Davenport did some quick negotiations, they happily produced the Light, with no argument.  The crew was ecstatic.

“Please,” one of the monks said.  “You seem like decent people.  Will you stay in our world for Candlenights?”

The whole crew fell silent.

“Candlenights?” Davenport asked, not wanting to misunderstand.

“It’s this world’s holiday festival.  We’d be delighted if you would join us.”

Someone else celebrated Candlenights.

“We’d be happy to,” Davenport answered.

So here they were, a few days later, gathered in the city hall of one of the larger cities in the world (though it really wasn’t that populated).  Around them, many people worked to decorate with festive fun, while the crew drank Fantasy Eggnog and relaxed.

“I’ve been thinking,” Davenport announced.  “If we’re going to be here during proper Candlenights, we should celebrate it properly too.”

“What do you mean?” Lucretia said, taking a sip of her eggnog.  It left a layer of nutmeg on her lip.

“We have a whole world to explore.  Why not try and come up with an interesting gift to a random person?”

He grinned.

“Why not a Secret Star King?”

Taako, who up until this point had been lazing back, relishing the breeziness that the mission had underwent, jolted forward with a start.

“Random person, did you say?” he asked.  He wasn’t sure he much cared for the idea.  On one hand, he could get Lup, and that’d be easy.  He could get Barry, or Lucretia, and it would be challenging, but interesting.

Or he could get Magnus.  And that was a problem.

Magnus, who had been sitting forward eagerly, tried his best not to shrink back at the idea.  He’d know what to get Merle, or Davenport.  Hell, he’d most definitely know what to get Lup.

Or he could pull Taako's name.  And that was a problem.

*****

Davenport seemed to be set in his decision, and not thirty minutes later he returned to the table with his captain’s hat upturned in his hand.

“Go on!” he goaded, smiling.

Taako hesitated.

“What if we get our own name?” he joked, stalling for time as the others reached in.  “We pamper ourselves?”

Davenport shook his head.

“You simply redraw.”

“I was afraid of that,” Taako muttered as he pulled a card. He peeked at it through barely closed eyes.

Magnus.

Damnit.

He glanced over at Magnus, who was staring at his own card. The man had a damn good poker face. He had a good face in general, actually.

Magnus looked up, caught him staring, and flashed him a toothy grin.

"I know what I'm doing!" he declared.

Taako had half a mind to get Merle to cast Zone of Truth.

Instead, he retreated to another room, closed the door, and slid to the floor. He clutched the card tightly between his fingers, rereading the name over and over again, like it would disappear if he tried hard enough.

Magnus.

The name itself was evocative of the man it belonged to. Bold, strong, courageous, fearless. Taako remembered when he first saw him - the goofus was taking bets on how much beer he could chug before finally being beaten in a fight. A lot of beer, apparently, because even when he was swaying on his feet he held his own and knocked the lights out of the other guy - a bully, Taako knew, which made him endeared to Magnus in a way he couldn't quite describe. And it wasn't the brute strength, the high constitution modifier, or even his muscles (though the muscles were a nice bonus) that made Taako do a double take. It was his bravado - the fact that he stood up to a bad guy, and won. It was something Taako would never be able to do. Lup, maybe. Definitely. But not Taako. No, Taako wasn't worth much in a fight, and he wasn't worth much in Magnus' eyes either. He was an idiot wizard who conjured party tricks. Magnus deserved someone leagues better. Courage and strong will. Hospitality - now that was something Taako never seemed to be able to give.

But he'd be damned if he didn't make the perfect gift for Magnus. The big guy deserved that much at least.

Besides - maybe this would be a chance to show Magnus how he felt. He sure as hell wasn't going to say it in words. Maybe not a confession - a simple gesture would suffice. He knew he would never gain anything from it anyway.

*****

Magnus found a quiet corner by a fireplace, and he sat down heavily on a chair. He looked at the paper once more and sighed, running a hand down his face.

Taako.

The name had always meant warm feelings for Magnus.  Watching the wizard practice his spells like they were nothing. Watching him laugh and joke with Lup, watching him love. Magnus knew Taako was capable of far more than the elf ever gave himself credit for, and Magnus had always supported him.

Said support had landed him squarely in the friendzone, and he didn't mind it - it meant he could still be close. Still be with him. Gods knew Taako wasn't going to go for someone like him. He deserved finesse. Beauty. Someone who could love him.  Like Magnus did.

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. It had been this way for cycles now, he had lost track. But now, he held a potential key to everything. Maybe Taako would never reciprocate anything. Magnus was fine with that. But maybe he could make something that made Taako happy. That showed him what he meant to him. He wasn't going to get anything out of it but a nice smile, but gods that smile would be nice.

****

This plane was built around sturdy buildings that weathered many a storm.  So Taako knew he could find somewhere with the right tools to make the perfect gift.

He had decided on creating a model version of the Starblaster.  And he refused to use transmutation to do it - no, this was going to be done by hand, and it was going to be done right.

Problem was, he didn't know how to do it.

In the main town where they had settled, Taako asked around and found a carpenter named Rosemary, who had built several of the town’s homes and had contributed to the architecture of the city hall.  Magnus would like her, and she seemed very eager to please.

She gave him a place to work, all the tools and supplies he could imagine.

“If you need anything, just holler!” she said, before shutting the door and leaving him to it.  He looked down at the workbench.

Fuck.

He had no idea where to start.

*****

The food served here was warm, hearty, and delicious, made from the freshest ingredients and by the best of hands.  So immediately Magnus knew what he was going to give Taako.

He asked around and found a chef named Bill, a kind man, who was willing to lend out his kitchen to Magnus and provide food to cook with.

“Anything for a lover’s gift!” he said with a wink.

“No, it’s not - ” But he was already gone.  Magnus sighed and looked around at the kitchen.  An oven, a fantasy fridge, a knife block, cutting boards - everything he needed.

Shit.

He had no idea where to start.

*****

The Secret Star King swap was about a week away, but to Taako it might as well have been tomorrow.  He cut wood, sanded it down, measured twice, cut once, and at the end of the day found himself with a broken piece of oak and a dowel that was way too big.

He was sighing into his hands, ready to try again, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Not going well, Ko?”

He turned to find Lup, observing his disheveled attempts.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.  “Shouldn’t you be working on your own gift?”

She waved a hand.

“Oh, mine’s simple.”

“Who’d you get?”

“Now, do you think I would tell you that?  What if I got your name, hmm?”

Taako rolled his eyes.

“Let’s hope you got something good for me then.”

He turned back to his monstrosity and let out a long breath.

“Gods know I’m not doing so hot.”

“Magnus?”

Taako tensed, then just as quickly let it go.  Figures she would guess it in one - she wasn’t an idiot.

“Yeah,” he admitted.  “Stupid thing won’t piece together, though.”

“You know you could easily use magic, right?”

“Yeah, thanks, I didn’t know that,” he said, sarcasm dripping.

“So why the extra effort?” Lup asked innocently.

“I, uh - ”  He stammered.  “Just wanna make something nice for him, y’know?”

Lup was standing with a hand on her hip, judging him.

“Uh-huh.”

“He, uh - ” Fuck.  “He..he deserves it.”

Lup shook her head, clucking her tongue.

“Oh, you’ve got it bad,” she chuckled.

Taako blanched.

“No!” he protested.  “No, it’s just a gift, I don’t want - I never - ”

“Taako?  My sweet brother whom I love very much?”

Taako gulped.

“Yeah?”

Lup reached out and placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t lie to me, kay?”

It was a downright threat, and Taako stared at the floor, laughing nervously.

“Yeah, okay, find, maybe I do love the huggable idiot,” he admitted under his breath.  “But you can’t tell anyone, you got that?  Especially not Lucy, gods I can’t have her writing this shit in her books.”

Lup smirked.

“Your secret’s safe with me.”  She tightened her grip.  “If you tell him at the gift swap.”

Taako tried to reel back, but her grip was like a vice.

“Lup, you know I can’t - ”

“Hmm, then I guess I can tell Davenport to call the whole thing off.  No more Candlenights, because my dork of a brother refused to confess to his - ”

“Lulu, please.”

“ - and gods know the others would be heartbroken and - ”

“Okay, okay, fine!”

She was still smirking, but she loosened her grip and stepped back.

“That’s better.”

Taako massaged his shoulder where her fingers had dug into his skin.

“You’re a right piece of work, you know that sis?”

She grinned.

“I know.”

And she walked out of the room.

*****

Magnus didn’t cook.

Sure, he knew basic meals, picked up on a few things from Taako.  But he didn’t have the same touch Taako always carried.  Give him a wild rabbit to skin and stick in stew any day.  But the dishes Taako made were more than boring old stew.  And Taako deserved more than just stew.

He didn’t think it could be that hard.  Lup did it all the time, and she wasn’t a transmutation specialist.  She had just learned from the best - why couldn’t Magnus do the same?

He experimented around with ingredients.  Got some prime cuts of beef and lamb from the farmers outside the main city.  Spices he borrow from a few kind merchants - they were new and alien, but he figured they couldn’t be that far from those that Taako usually cooked with.  Mashed potatoes - now that he could do.

He thought.

Not wanting to officially cook the dish until the day of the gift swap, Magnus attempted smaller micro-dishes - taste samplers.  His first attempt had gone...sour was the literal phrase. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong.  Second attempt wielded a sad lumpy mess of limp carrots and overly-salted potatoes.

He was in the middle of trying something else - grilling lamb cuts - when Lup popped her head into the kitchen, startling Magnus.  He accidentally knocked the lamb into the fire, and he scrambled to turn off the heat in time.

Lup laughed as he recovered the now charred remains of the lamb.  It was a moot point anyway - the meat had been dull, grey, and dry from the start.

“Not going well?” Lup asked, looking over his large shoulder.

Magnus sighed.

“You two always make it look so easy!” he complained.

Lup patted him sympathetically.

“Didn’t know this is what you wanted to do with the cycle.  I thought you’d be out exploring the plane with Davenport.”

“It’s not for the cycle.  It’s for Candlenights.”

Lup raised her eyebrows.

“Oh?” She stepped around him, sniffing at the meat.  “So you got Taako’s name?”

Magnus looked shocked.

“N - no!  I mean - this could be for anybody!  Lucretia likes lamb, doesn’t she, maybe it’s for her!”

“Mmm-hmm.”  She picked up a carrot, examining it.  “You know, this is an awful lot of effort for just a silly old gift.  Why not just make him rabbit stew?  You know we all love that.”

Magnus shifted slightly, staring at the counter and fiddling with the burner controls.

“I think - well, assuming it is Taako, which I’m not saying it is - I think he, uh...deserves something better than rabbit stew, y’know?”

Lup’s eyes widened slowly, and a smile crept onto her face.

“Oh.  Oh, Magnus.”

“What?”

“Nothing!” she said, so quickly Magnus almost didn’t recognize the coyness in her tone.  She stepped around the counter, tracing her fingers along the ingredients he’d picked out.  She picked up a spare clove of garlic and twirled it expertly in her hand.

“He likes bacon,” she hinted.  “Just in case it is his name that you got.”

She waltzed out of the room, tossing the garlic over her shoulder.  Magnus caught it awkwardly, and stared back down at the stovetop.

******

It was two days until the gift swap, and things were not going well.

Taako had struggled to bite down the magic in his fingers, and he'd earned several splinters and a sore thumb from missing the nail with the hammer. He was gonna do this right goddamnit.

But all he had managed to do was carve some maple in the rough form of a ship. He had hacked away at it to make the interior hollow, and he wasn't even close to the proper shape. In fact, it looked somehow worse than the Starblaster had on the bad cycles, where it had taken some hits.

As he attempted to shear the top of the hull, the knife slipped, and he cut a deep gash in his finger.

"Ow, ow, fuck, stupid piece of -"

"You okay?"

He looked up, still clutching his bleeding finger. Magnus was standing in the doorway, looking concerned.

"Hey, big guy!!" Taako flung out his body, trying to cover the table behind him. The blood speckled the canvas cloth underneath. "Yeah, I'm fine, nothing to -"

Magnus was already running over to him, grabbing his hurt hand and gently bringing it up to him.

"What happened? Slip the blade?" he asked, already pulling out a spare bandage because of course he had spare bandages in his pockets, Merle wasn't always around to heal everything, and Magnus never wanted to see anyone hurt. The thought made Taako's heart swell a bit.

"Yeah, yeah," he admitted. "I'm fine though, really, I'm -"

He hissed sharply as Magnus tugged the bandage taught. Okay, maybe it was a bit worse than he thought. But Magnus was taking care of it. Like he always took care of everyone. Of Taako.

"Thanks," Taako said quietly.

"Of course!" Of course.  "Lup sent me over here to check on ya. So, what are you working on?"

He looked over Taako's shoulder and spotted the shitty wooden ship.

"Oh, cool!" Magnus declared, picking it up. "You're making Davenport the Starblaster?"

Taako let out a breath. He was gonna kill his sister.

"Yeah, totally making it for him!" Taako lied through his teeth.

"Having a shit time with it too," he murmured.

"You want me to show you some tips?"

Taako almost laughed. Yeah, have Magnus teach Taako how to make his own gift.

He shrugged. "Why not?"

He stepped forward while Magnus smiled at him, eager as ever. Taako's heart skipped a little at his dopey grin.

"Okay, so first off, you need to sand down the wood before you even start carving it, otherwise the blade will get caught in the bark."

Taako picked up the wood and the tools, ready to try again. He followed what Magnus was saying, smiling slightly.

"Alright, now you've gotta use the big chisel to carve away the big bits."

Taako looked down. There were several tools, all looking like chisels, all similar sizes.

He picked one up.

"No, the other one."

Another.

"The other one."

He moved to pick one up, and suddenly Magnus' hand was on his, guiding him to the right one.

"That one," he said softly.

Taako realized Magnus was standing right behind him, almost embracing him, his tall figure a good foot higher than Taako's. He led Taako's hand firmly but gently over to the wood and showed him how to knock away the excess pieces. His hands cupped Taako's, occasionally squeezing down, helping him with the finer details. Magnus' words continued above him, spouting instructions, but Taako was content to just listen to his deep voice. He found himself leaning backwards, ever so slightly, into Magnus' tall frame, and he closed his eyes, just for a second, breathing him in. Imagining if this could be real.

"Taako, are you -"

Magnus stiffened, aware of where Taako was, and Taako backpedaled, pushing himself up and away, but he was caught between the table and Magnus' arms. He spun, extricating his hands and holding them close to his chest as he stared up at Magnus. He was staring right back, so close. Taako could feel his breath, almost taste his lips.

Magnus was the first one to snap out of it, shoving himself backwards, blinking hard.

"Yeah, so, does that help?" he asked, his voice even. Of course it was. Nothing phased Magnus, not even his best friend making bedroom eyes at him after he practically spooned him.

"Yeah, my man, thanks for the tips!" Taako said, his voice squeaking slightly. Damnit, pull yourself together.

"Welcome." Magnus offered a smile. "Can't wait to see the final product, I bet Dav's gonna love it!"

He turned and left before Taako could get in another word, leaving Taako in a lurch. Why did he do that, what the hell was he thinking. He's not interested. He doesn't want you.

He sucked in a breath. He was going to absolutely murder his sister.

******

Taako stormed into his bedroom, but Lup was already there, leaning back on her bunk and reading a book.

"How'd it go?" she purred.

"You absolute bastard," he grumbled. "That was all your idea!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, putting the book down and examining her nails. "I just figured you needed some help, you poor thing."

Taako fumed, sitting with a dramatic thump onto his own bunk.

"You're just trying to torture me," he groaned. "Your own brother!"

"I don't see what's wrong with having Magnus help you with your present. He doesn't need to know it's for him."

Taako pointed an accusatory finger at her.

"You know very well that's not what I'm upset about."

Lup smirked.

"I told you you needed to confess by the Secret Star King. I was just... speeding up the process."

"Making things worse is what you did."

He sighed and fell back onto his pillow, a hand to his forehead. He saw Lup roll her eyes.

"Tell you what," she offered, sliding off her bunk to kneel next to his. "I know for a fact that Magnus needs help with his gift."

"What's he doing, baking a pie for Lucretia or something?"

"Something like that."

Taako sat up.

"Sis, I was joking."

"And I'm not. He's struggling so much with the cooking and I know you wouldn't want to poison poor Lucretia…"

Taako shook his head, laughing.

"Man, we are all out of our league, aren't we?"

"Well I'm not," Lup said, beaming. "I'm having a fantastic time with my gift. But you two idiots could use some help."

She stood and returned to her book.

"Just don't go fainting into the oven, alright?"

Taako grabbed his best hat and stuck his tongue out at her. She replied in turn, then buried her head in her book again.

****

Magnus was burning the food. The smoke was very quickly filling the whole room, and he was coughing, trying to figure out what was going wrong. He struggled for the off switch on the stove, and he didn't notice Taako until he dove for it, before swiftly covering the charred mess in the pan with its lid. He panted, then looked over at Magnus, who was slumped against a bar stool, still coughing somewhat.

Damnit. You were so close and now he's here, witness to your failure.

"Hey, Taako," he said weakly, as the elf tried to wave most of the smoke out the window. "Lup send you?"

"My sister was under the impression that you needed some help."

He eyed the disaster on the stove and scooped it up, taking it to the open air to cool off. Magnus was still upset, but he pulled himself up quickly. He couldn't let Taako see him like this.

“Yeah, well, I mean - ” he stammered, staring down at the food.  Not at Taako.

“Listen, my man, it takes some practice.  But it’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it.”

“Easy for you to say,” Magnus sighed as he sank down into his seat.  “Here I am, trying to make the perfect dish, and you - ”

“Perfect dish?  For Lucretia?”

Magnus gaze shot up to Taako.  Oh thank fuck, Lup must have bought the lie after all.

“Maggie, you know that woman will eat anything you make her, she loves your stuff.”

“I know!” Magnus said carefully.  “I just...wanted her to have something nicer.”

“Hmm,” Taako mused as he examined the remains of the mess in his hands.  “Was this bacon?”

Shit.

“Um, it was?  I was trying something out with cheese, and...”

He gestured to the wreck.  Taako smirked before dumping the whole thing into the garbage.

“Okay, if you’re going to be working with cheese, like making it fancy, you can’t just melt it over any old pan.”

He cleared a space on the counter and opened the fantasy fridge behind him, peering inside.

“What sort of flavors were you thinking?” he asked as he rummaged around.

Magnus tried to come up with something that wouldn’t clue Taako into the ruse.

“Uh...barebeque?”

Taako slammed the door and turned, glaring at him.

“Magnus, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

He dropped a block of cream cheese into Magnus’ stunned hands.

“It’s simple – whip this up with a bit of cheddar and...”

He perused the shelves before grabbing a bottle and tossing it to Magnus.  He caught it awkwardly, still staring at Taako.

“Worcestershire.”

“I, um...” Magnus examined the bottle.  “How do you pronounce this again?”

Taako laughed.

“Look, Magnus, I can’t hold your hand through this.  So I’m giving you a head start.  Fly free little bird.  Can’t wait to see if Lucy likes it.”

Magnus took him in.  He was leaning casually on the counter, smiling, but his foot was tapping in the nervous tick Magnus knew meant he was nervous.  He shouldn’t know that, it meant Taako had become everything in his mind, but that was the truth.  He knew Taako better than the elf probably thought he did, and all he wanted to do was prove to him that he could give him something amazing.  Something incredible and delicious.

His fingers tightened on the bottle.  If Taako said it would taste good, he would make it.

“Alright, Taako.  Thanks.”

“No problem, kemosabe, any time.”

His foot was still tapping, and Magnus looked at him curiously.  Taako didn’t have any reason to be nervous.  He always knew his way around the kitchen.

“I’ll try it out today.”  Magnus turned back to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of ranch dressing.  “What about this?”

Taako’s eyes widened and he made a small noise that Magnus couldn’t really get a read on.

“Maggie, that’s up to you to decide.”

He pushed himself up, and now his fingers were tapping the same rhythm.  Magnus just didn’t get it.  He put the bottle down gently as Taako backed out of the room.

“Good luck!”

He was gone before Magnus could respond.  He stared down at the ingredients in his hands.

He didn’t think Taako had actually given him any cooking tips.

******

Taako sucked in a deep breath the moment he left the kitchen.  What the hell was he thinking, giving Magnus the stuff to make one of his favorite dishes?  And why in the ever loving fuck did Magnus know exactly what ingredient (the stupid ranch dressing) would make the whole thing perfect?

“He doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, why would he care so much?” he muttered as he half-ran down the hall.

He ran headlong into Lup, and suddenly there was paper flying everywhere, Lup cursing as she knelt to try and pick it all up.

“Goddamnit, Ko, I spent all morning on this, and now you’ve gone and - ”

Taako took a second look at the paper.  It wasn’t blank, there was writing all over it.  Lup was holding what looked like an empty cover.

“Lup, what is - ”

He snatched a piece out of the air and read it over.

- was some of the best fun I’ve had in ages.  Your smile was so lovely, and your laugh made me feel – 

Lup grabbed the paper back from him, almost ripping it in half.  She was blushing.

“None of your business, is what it is.”

He eyed the cover that she was shoving all the papers back into.

“Is this for Lucretia?”

Lup didn’t answer.  She collected the final pieces before shutting the cover forcefully and standing up.

“Oh ho ho, you are not in love with - ”

“Taako, I’m gonna make you a deal - ”

She shoved a finger in his face.

“I won’t say shit about your thing for Magnus if you don’t say shit about this.”

Taako was still shocked.

“Wait.  If you got Lucretia’s name, then why the hell did you say Magnus was cooking for her?”

Lup closed her eyes and cursed.

“Lulu,” he chided.  “He pulled my name didn’t he?”

She stared at the ground.

“Maybe,” she grumbled.

“Oh no,” Taako realized.  “I just told him how to make the perfect dish for me.  Oh, god, Lup, this is going to backfire horribly, you can’t let this happen.”

“Last time I checked,” Lup said, pulling the journal closer to her.  “It wasn’t any of my business.”

She shoved past him, shouldering him hard, leaving him to think.

Magnus knew what Taako wanted.  He was going to make him exactly what he wanted.  And Taako was supposed to sit there and take it like it wasn’t the most pathetic thing to happen to him.

The gift swap was tomorrow.

He groaned and headed back to the workshop.

He had a ship to finish.

******

The morning came beautifully.  There was a layer of fresh snow on the ground, the Candlenights bush was alight, and everyone around them was celebrating.

Davenport had polished up the Starblaster’s living room with a small bush of its own, and everyone had their gifts ready.

As Taako expected, Lup gave Lucretia a journal full of stories they had shared.  Lucretia had turned beet red, and so had Lup.  Merle gave Barry a new pair of somewhat patchworked blue jeans he had made himself, and Barry gave the dwarf a Candlenights pumpkin he had tried to grow in a greenhouse.  It was deflated, and sad-looking, but Merle loved it anyway.  Davenport smiled cheerfully as he gave Lup a simple sweater with the IPRE logo, that he said he had knitted himself.

It was Magnus’ turn to present his gift, and he produced a large plate surrounded by buttery crackers.  In its center there was a giant cheeseball, covered in herbs and bacon.  Taako could smell the ranch from across the room, and his mouth watered just looking at it.  Magnus had outdone himself, and Taako had no idea why.  Why was he worth so much?  He shouldn’t have ever helped Magnus.  He should have just – 

“Taako?”

Davenport was trying to get his attention.

“Taako, it’s your gift next, right?”

“Yeah.  Coming right up.”

He left the room and returned with the Starblaster model in his hands.

He was particularly proud of himself, actually.  The beautifully sculpted hull was painted the shining silver of the real thing.  The cockpit was sleek and smooth.  The thing even had the name etched into its side, carefully done by fucking hand (and his fingers still hurt from doing it).  But it was done, and it was pretty, and from one look at Magnus Taako could tell he loved it.  Taako’s heart swelled up to just look at the big guy’s expression.

“Taako!” he gasped.  “Taako, that’s incredible!”

Taako smiled sheepishly as he set the thing down on the table.

“Thanks.  I wanted to make sure it looked good for - ”

“Davenport, that’s gotta be the best present ever!”

“Wait, what?”

Magnus turned to Davenport, who looked shocked too, but Lucretia was shaking her head.

“No, I had Davenport’s name.  Magnus, that ship’s for you.”

Magnus stared at Taako.

“For me?”

Taako was gaping at him.

“Wait, wait.  You think I made this for Davenport?”

“You were so focused on it, you were so passionate!  You must have loved Davenport so much and I didn’t want to - ”

“Davenport?  Davenport?  Excuse me, why the ever loving fuck would I be in love with Davenport - no offense Dav - ”

The gnome shrugged.

“Davenport?!”

“I didn’t think it was for me!”

“You idiot, of course it was for you!”

“Why did you put so much effort into something that I would - ”

“Okay, back up, Taako’s not answering that question, you should be answering mine, which is why the hell did you put so much effort into my gift?”

Magnus blinked at him.

“Lup said it was your favorite.”

“Lup said?!”

Taako whirled on his sister, flipping her off with both hands.  She saluted him, and he turned back to Magnus.

“Magnus, you nearly killed yourself in that kitchen.  Why didn’t you make your rabbit stew?  You know I would have been happy with that.”

Magnus looked saddened.

“I wanted it to be special.  For you.”

Taako took the words hard.

“What, so now you’re taking pity on me?” he spat.  He didn’t need this.  This extra effort.  “It’s bad enough seeing me by myself all the time, you had to go and embellish it?”

Magnus was shaking his head, but Taako wasn’t having any of it.

“You’re such an idiot, Mags, a real prize.  It’s already hard enough having to see you dance around with people on the different planes.  Dancing with people who weren’t me.  Now you gotta go and remind me that I’m just a pity project to you, someone you feel bad for.”

Magnus was staring at him.

“People who weren’t...you?” he asked, confused.

“Here we go,” Lup stage whispered to the rest of the crew.  Taako could have sworn he heard money being exchanged, but he didn’t care.

“Yeah, Maggie!” he yelled.  “Not me!  Because you’ll never dance with me, no matter how much I want it.  You wanna know why I put so much into this hunk of junk?  Because you deserve the best, Magnus Burnsides.  You wanna know why I know that?  Because I love your stupid face too much, and I’ll never give you second best, even if all you’ll do is bake me a pity cake and serve it with a smile.”

Magnus was dumbstruck.  Lup was smirking.  And Taako was panting hard, his braid unraveling at the end, his fists balled up tight.

“Look,” he spit out, storming over to the plate with Magnus’ cheese ball and scooping it up, almost spitefully.  “I’m going to enjoy this in the comfort of my own room.  You win, Lup.”

He flipped her off again, pointedly ignoring Merle and Davenport eating popcorn by the window.  His asshole of a sister must have handed it out.  Fine, whatever.

“Show’s over people,” he muttered.

“...I have a stupid face?” were the only words he heard from Magnus before Taako slammed the door behind him.

******

The worst part about all of it was that the food was exceptionally good.  Magnus had outdone himself, always and forever, like he always would, and it made Taako even more pissed.  Because of course Magnus would go all out.  Of course he would devote all this time and energy and effort into making Taako the perfect dish because the dumb idiot never wanted anyone to feel left out.  He felt bad for Taako, seeing him on his own.

“Whose fault is it that I’m alone in the first place, huh?” Taako muttered spitefully as he took another bite.  He didn’t mean it.  He didn’t blame Magnus - he blamed himself.  But that wasn’t Taako’s area of expertise, so he threw the ball back in Magnus’ court because having an imaginary scapegoat for your own problems is better than confronting them yourself.

There was a tentative knock on the door.  Taako groaned, setting aside the food delicately (he still wanted to eat more) as he forced himself to his feet and stormed over to the door.

“Lup, I swear to god, Fantasy Jesus, Jeffandrew, and literally everyone in the Celestial Plane that I am gonna - ”

He wrenched the door open, ready with a string of curses.  But it wasn’t Lup.  It was Magnus.

“Hi,” he said timidly.

Taako moved to close the door, but Magnus stuck his foot out and caught it.

“Please,” he offered, desperation in his voice.  “I just wanna talk.”

Taako rolled his eyes and sighed loudly, throwing his hands up in the air as he walked back to his bunk and the plate of delicious food.  He threw himself onto the bed and waved a hand dramatically, inviting Magnus to enter.

“Not much to talk about, my man,” he said, pointedly ignoring Magnus’ puppy dog eyes.  The whole thing reeked of the adoration that Magnus usually poured into things.  Selfless loser.

“I didn’t mean any of what you said back there.  I promise.”

Taako took another spiteful bite.  God it was good.

“Listen, you’re the team lover.  We’ve all heard the stories, we know each other.  It’s been, what, fifteen cycles?  Twenty?  The idea that you wanna care for all of us isn’t anything new, Mags.  I get it.”

“Taako, I do care about you, just like everyone else, but I - ”

“That’s all I gotta hear, Maggie.” Taako finished his food, savoring the last taste of bacon on his tongue.  Magnus was struggling for words.

“The Starblaster,” he said slowly.  Taako knew he meant the model ship Taako had slaved over, as much as he wanted him to be talking about the one they were in.  If only so they didn’t. Have. To talk. About this.  “Why were you so focused on it?”

Taako curled his legs up to his chest and looked out the window, away from Magnus.

“I told you why,” he said dully, almost under his breath.

“I guess I don’t...you’re always so bold, Taako, I...I never knew you’d want me.”

Taako recoiled further and closed his eyes.

“Yeah, well.”

Why wasn’t Magnus leaving?  Things would be so much better if he just wasn’t there.

“Taako.”

Magnus’ hand was on Taako’s, and he wanted to leap back, hissing, because no one touched him except Lup, at least not like this, not when he was vulnerable and messy and dear god why did Magnus have to look like that?

His eyes were big and watery, there was a hesitant smile on his lips, and he looked cute, the absolute fucker.   He was making Taako’s heart skip three beats at a time, and it wasn’t fair.

“What do you care anyway?!” Taako snapped, shoving himself up from the bed and marching to the door.  Magnus’ hand hovered midair where it had been touching Taako’s skin moments before.  “We’ve both played our hands, made our beds.  Now I’ve gotta lie in mine, and you in yours, and we’ll move on!”

He yanked open the door and pointed firmly at the hall outside.

Magnus looked heartbroken, and it made Taako furious.

“Why do you have to look like that!” he cried.  “It’s bad enough you look down on me - ”

Magnus stood suddenly.

“Taako, no - ”

“ - and now Taako’s gone and opened his big mouth and said shit you were never meant to hear and I - ”

Magnus was in front of him, towering over him with his big frame and muscles that could hug Taako so warmly and goddamnit.

“Taako, I love you, okay?” Magnus shouted.

“Yeah!  That’s exactly the problem!”

Magnus shook his head and grasped Taako’s shoulders, and as much as he wanted to shove them off and run the other way, he found himself rooted to the spot.

“Taako, I don’t pity you!  I don’t want you to feel good, or have nice things, or be cared for because I’m obligated to!  I want perfection for you, Taako, because I love you!”

Taako opened his mouth for a retort and stopped short, one finger raised in retaliation.

“You - you’re saying that you specially cooked a meal - ”

“Yes.”

“And did all this work - ”

“Yes.”

“And asked my fucking sister to help you - ”

Magnus stuttered.  “I d - didn’t exactly ask her - ”

“Oh, shut up you lovable idiot.”

Taako threw himself forward and kissed Magnus with as much as he could muster in the span of three seconds, before he pulled back, his hands still gently grasping Magnus’ shirt.  Magnus looked surprised, and immediately Taako tried to push himself away.

“Never should’ve...stupid, I’m so fucking stupid...I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m - ”

He didn’t realize what was happening until Magnus’ lips were on his, and they were kissing again, longer and deeper.  Taako felt the door close quietly behind him before Magnus had lifted him into the air, pressing him against the door and wow, it felt like flying kissing this man, this big stupid lug who cared too damn much for his own good.

In a breath that he almost didn’t want to take, he looked at Magnus, at his soft eyes and dorky smile.

“I fucked up,” he whispered.  “I didn’t know - ”

“You’re forgiven,” Magnus said softly, kissing him gently on the cheek.

“That bacon was really fucking good.”

“I know.”  He was kissing his neck now, oh my god he was kissing his neck.

“How much do you think the team lost on the bets?” he asked, trying and failing to distract himself from Magnus’ strong arms and his careful fingers.

“Bet they didn’t expect this,” Magnus breathed into his ear, and Taako stopped talking then, because even if this was a fluke, a one off, Magnus’ pity going to the extreme -

But it wasn’t.  He felt that, somewhere inside of him.  Magnus had a tiny ship and Taako had a licked-clean plate to prove it. This wasn’t going to go away.

Somewhere down the hall, Lup listened in on the bedroom and beamed as she collected her winnings from everyone around her.

Next to her, Lucretia started a new page in her books.

[davidmann95]

Thoughts on this week's comics?

X-Men #1: They fuckin’.

Absolute Carnage #4: Just a bit annoying this ignored the end of the Miles tie-in mini, but they mentioned the Green Door! Anyway this is still really fun as these sorts of micro events go and I’m looking forward to the finale.

Captain America #15: This book is getting so odd and I’d drop it if I weren’t hearing this run is ending soon.

History of the Marvel Universe #4: Still so soulless, still so goddamn pretty. I feel like this is the comic book equivalent of being in a loveless marriage with a supermodel.

Once & Future #3: Still fun, but still less than I’ve come to expect from Gillen, especially lately.

Superman’s Pal JTimmy Olsen #4: Fun but I am 100% lost at this point.

Batman #81:

“Batman thinks of everything.”

Hell yeah.

Justice League #34: This one needed more space to breathe and also to not be drawn by Howard Porter for as big as what happens in it is, but I still cheered at the bits that ask you to cheer.

Tales From The Dark Multiverse: Batman: Knightfall #1: A perfectly passable little one-off, though I’m distressed these may be functionally a miniseries after all, since I was going to skip the Judas Contract ‘finale’.

Superman: Year One #3: Hahahahahahaha, what a weird damn thing this book ended up. Each issue is progressively more slapdash and inexplicable, but in totally different ways each time. I’ve almost never read a finale more visibly rushed, and this is a prestige mini where Miller was bound to nothing and 100% could have just asked for more if he wanted. The bizarre sci-fi odyssey sequel it seems to be setting up would certainly be a spectacle unto itself, but I think I’ve scraped enough self-respect together that I’d be able to wait for the library on that one. At least Miller wasn’t bullshitting all these years claiming that it’d be Batman on the other foot if he ever did a Superman book, and interesting that it circumvented my question of how it’d square with his DKR continuity by instead being a redemptive fresh start outside the scope of that, same as he gave his Batman in that guy’s Year One. Flat out horrific however that he’s talking about doing Wonder Woman next.

Superman Smashes The Klan #1: The Gallant to Year One’s Goofus, this is pretty much the platonic ideal of a straight-take Superman adventure, with the drama and character and heart that elevates those kinds of straight takes to beauty. Hope its sales at least somewhat reflect the praise that’s quickly come to surround it.

[dork-empress]

TAZ Angst drabble 2

Read on Ao3 

Character death warning

Despite Taako’s objections to the contrary, elves were mortal. They aged, so slowly it was barely perceptible by humans.

Taako had an uncle...or great uncle...maybe he was just an old cranky cousin? Anyway, some family member that took in him and Lup for the Elven equivalent of two seconds before sending them off again. He told Taako and Lup never to make friends with other races, because they aged too quickly, and Taako would inevitably end up alone. Taako just thought he was racist, which he was, but it took a good 800 years before Taako was willing to admit MAYBE he had a point.

He kept his glamour charm up nearly all the time, but every once in a while, he put it down to look in the mirror and see what time had done. Not to mention sometimes he just needed the spell slots. His golden blonde hair had turned stark white. His skin, once perfectly bronzed was now wrinkled.

And there were some things no magic in the world could totally fix. His eyesight, for one, losing a good deal of his darkvision and normal vision. His hearing at least allowed him a good excuse to yell at the whippersnappers going about. If there was one thing he enjoyed about being old it was complaining about young people, not that he needed youth as an excuse to do that.

But the worst thing was the memory. It started small, taking a minute or longer to remember an old friend’s name. Making up what happened when he couldn’t remember a story of his own life. A spell or two he didn’t know. His aunt’s recipes.

It was getting worse, though. One fateful day, he couldn’t remember Magnus’ name, and he rushed to the graveyard to see it and apologize to his old friend. It was decorated well, as a hero of legend’s grave should be. Kids went on field trips to come see it.

They were all gone now. Magnus, Lucretia, Davenport, Merle, Ren, Carey, Killian, Avi, Leon, Lucas...even Agnus had grown up before Taako’s very eyes and then died of old age. Many of his friends had had children, who then grew up and died, and then their children….humans were stupid. They were like damn Goldfish with the way they kept dying, what the fuck?

The people closest to him weren’t like that. Kravitz, Lup, and Barry stayed on. They all lived in the same house for a long time. It wasn’t fair, they got to live forever, but they stayed the SAME. Stupid reapers.

After going out to see Magnus, Taako realized one more thing he forgot: the way home. He stumbled around town a bit, trying to retrace his steps, but only found himself more lost, until finally a robed figure appeared out of the mist in front of him. “What did I tell you about sneaking up on me, Bluejeans?”

“Sorry,” Barry said, putting up his hands in surrender. “We got back and you weren’t home. Lup and Krav are worried, so we split up to find you.”

Taako ‘hmph’d’ impressively. One good thing about being old was being able to ‘hmph’ properly. “And what, you were just the lucky bastard to check this…” He looked around. He didn’t know where he was.

“Actually,” Barry covered for his old friend’s lack of memory, “I asked around and the kids said there was a crazy old elf wizard shouting ‘abracafuck you’ and blasting a statue.”’

Taako chuckled, “heh. Classic.”

Barry created a rift in the air and offered for Taako to step in. “I better call Lup and Krav. Get ready for a lecture about wandering around.”

“I’m not a caged animal,” he said, “This guy’s so fine, it’d be a shame to hide from the world.”

Barry smirked, but knew better than to argue. “Where’d you go, anyway?”

Taako collapsed on the sofa and regretted it instantly. He now felt all the misery holding himself upright and walking around had caused him. “Graveyard,” He said, like it was nothing.

Barry put the stone of farspeech down. “Oh,” he said.

He went over to sit on the sofa, but Taako shooed him away. “I miss them too, you know,” Barry said, “Every day.”

“Why?” Taako asked, “You get to go to the land of the dead all the time.”

Barry sighed, “Being in the astral plane and being part of the sea of souls is...different,” he said. “Only the Raven Queen knows anything about what it’s like, and she says she can’t tell us or it’ll melt our brains or something.”

Taako snorted, “Cop out.”

“Probably,” Barry agreed, “But...still. It doesn’t get any easier.”

“Barry...look at me,” Taako said, and he dropped his Glamour. He was well kept for an elf. Had lived longer than most, well taken care of and having a husband who was death didn’t hurt. But still he knew he was a pile of bones wrapped together with some skin wrinklier than an unironed sheet. “This...this doesn’t get any easier.”

Barry tried not to look pitying. He really did. “Hey, I’d hardly think you were more than 700.”

Taako snorted, shaking. He was always shaking. “I’m gonna die, Barry,” He said, “Soon. One of you three are gonna have to drop me in the death soup--”

“Please don’t call it that.”

“--And we both know it’s not going to be the other two.” Taako said, staring Barry down until he understood. Barry sobered instantly, realizing what Taako was saying. “Kravitz and I have had a long time,” Taako said, “Longer than most. But all mortals have to die eventually. And Lup….” Taako twiddled with his thumbs, trying to get them to just stay STILL for Istus’ sake. “We promised we’d never leave each other again. But we can’t...I can’t…”

He took a deep sigh, Barry staying still, “Elves live a long time, but eternity is eternity. You lot are gonna live twice as long as me, and I don’t want them to suffer without my brilliant presence,” he swallowed, “So that’s gonna be on you, Barry, to help them through it. So you’d best start adjusting now.”

Barry didn’t say anything for a long silence. He finally broke it with the quietest, “I, um,” he said, “I’m gonna call them. Let them know you’re ok.”

The next morning, Taako woke to Kravitz gently shaking him awake. He didn’t meditate as much anymore, too much focus. “Wake up, love,” Kravitz said in his low, melodic voice. “Come on, sweetheart, we’re going on a trip.”

Taako grumbled at the intrusion, “Five more minutes,” he insisted, but was surprised to hear laughter at that. It was Lup’s laugh. He peeked his eye open to see she was in the room with him, along with Barry. “What’d’you want?”

“Kravitz already said,” she said, “We’re going on a trip.”

“Where?” He asked, still stubbornly clinging to sleep.

“It’s a surprise!” She said.

Taako grumped. He probably wasn’t going to remember the place if she said it anyway. “Fine. It better not be that museum that keeps pestering me. They can’t have my hat, I don’t care if it’s part of their exhibit.”

“It’s not the museum,” Kravitz assured, offering his hand. Taako took it and allowed himself to be pulled up off the bed and onto the floor. He felt less achy today, that was good. “Come on, now, best we hurry.”

“I’ll take my damn time, and you’ll deal with it,” Taako grumped as Kravitzed held him around the middle to help him walk forward, kissing his cheek. Even at...however old he was, he still blushed. “Sap.”

He was so distracted, he didn’t even realize he’d left his body behind.

Taako didn’t remember much, other than shuffling his feet, left, right, left again, going wherever Kravitz led him. “I’m gonna be hungry in a few minutes,” he let them all know, so this place better have food.”

“It’ll have everything you need,” Barry commented, him and Lup keeping pace behind them.

Taako grumbled, “That sounds suspicious as heck, Barold.”

“We’re here,” Kravitz said, and Taako looked up. They were at the beach. But it didn’t seem like a normal beach. There was an old cottage, long abandoned, sitting on an island (when did they get to an island?). There was the sound of waves, but no people or animals, not even a bird. He looked up at the dark sky and finally realized where he was. The Astral Plane. “Oh…” he said, and then looked between the Reapers, “It’s today?”

“It is.” The voice behind the four of them said, and Taako’s eyes fell on the Raven Queen. She didn’t seem to take steps as she approached, just floating along the ground, a veil covering her face. “I hope I’m not late, I wanted to be here for the departure.”

“Nice to see your son in law off,” He said, but then the four of them were still silent. It was hard to tell, under that damn veil, but the Raven Queen wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at Kravitz. “Krav--”

Kravitz let go of Taako, and he was surprised to find he could stand on his own. Kravitz approached the Raven Queen with reverence, and bowed before her. She lifted him by the chin, looking down at him, and speaking quiet words Taako couldn’t hear. Then, Kravitz summoned his scythe and handed it over. “What are you doing?” Taako demanded, “Stop--

He tried to run forward but Lup held him back. He turned around to see she had summoned her scythe too, as had Barry. Barry stepped forward next to hand his in. “We talked it over,” Lup said, “Weighing everything, but...it was already decided a long time ago.”

“Love,” Kravitz said, coming back to him and taking his hand, “I’ve lived longer than you have.”

“Cradle robber,” Taako accused lovingly, getting Kravitz to smile.

“I’ve seen all the things I wanted to see and done all the things I wanted to do.” Kravitz tucked Taako’s hair behind his long ears, “All I really want anymore is to be with you. In all things.”

“But it’s supposed to just be me,” Taako said, and realized he was crying. How he was able to he had no idea, but he was anyway, “You’re supposed to go on, you’re immortal, you--”

“We,” Lup said, “Are a package deal, goofus.” She handed her scythe over with a respectful nod, “Besides, Queenie says this happens every millenia or so. We helped her pick out some replacements that weren’t total douche waffles. World goes on and all that.”

The Raven Queen didn’t seem to know how to respond to being called ‘Queenie’ and so addressed Taako. “Rarely does a mortal affect the lives of a reaper. Even more rarely three. But I must respect their wishes, even if I wish I could convince them to stay longer.”

Kravitz shook his head, “Not a second without him in the world,” he said, taking Taako’s hand. Taako couldn’t help the little smile on his face.

Then, Lup took his other hand, and Barry took her other hand. “Ready, Koko?”

Taako turned, facing the sea of souls. “Hey, last thing,” he said, looking up at the Raven Queen, “the whole ‘your brains would melt’ if you knew about death is a cop out, right?”

The Raven Queen just smiled, and Taako sighed, frustrated. “Guess I just have to find out myself,” and he stepped into the shallows, his family with him.

[merigreenleaf]

Jotober Day 3 - Roasted

Dray leaned their forehead against the cold windowpane and tried to tune out the laughter coming from a few feet away. Maybe if they glared hard enough the rain would stop. What good was fire summoning if it couldn’t dry up storm clouds? They'd had plans. Plans that involved being out there working on new choreography with their favorite long daggers, not in here listening to goofus and doofus play a board game. Every time one of them had a turn, they'd shout "here comes the hippo!" and then there would be a slam and they'd both laugh hysterically. Whether or not there was a hippo involved or if was just a dumb idea they’d come up with was moot. It was the most obnoxious game ever created and Dray wanted to be anywhere else, doing anything else. Their own wagon was only yards away, but the thought of stepping outside in that downpour for even a few seconds was less appealing than this.

"Do not be melancholy. Life is too short and you would know all on the subject of short, would you not?"

Dray jumped, banging their head against the glass. Damn Etri and his tendency to appear out of nowhere. If he wasn't always dressed like the night sky, only far less fabulous, Dray would have seen his reflection. What kind of person comes out of nowhere with a random insult? Dray rose with every intention to shove past Etri and go out in the rain, regardless of their hatred of getting wet... then caught the crinkles in the corner of Etri's eyes. 

This would be a much better game than one involving a hippo.

Dray leaned against the kitchen table and smirked back at Etri. "Aww, did you get up and smack your head on every single ceiling beam just to walk over here and tell me that?"

A flash of orange pulled Dray’s attention over to the couch. Adair held a card with a four on it. A moment later Sol raised an upside down 2, unless it was a five. The cards were in Adair’s handwriting so it was hard to tell, but this better be a scoring system out of five because that joke was worth far more than a four or whatever Sol thought it was. At least if the two of them were grading the “argument,” it meant they weren’t shouting about aquatic mammals.

Etri cleared his throat and when Dray looked his way, said, "You make such use of makeup that you sneeze eyeliner."

That one didn't make any sense. On the couch were a pair of twos, held by a pair of zeros, so at least their judges agreed. "I think you mean 'bleed.' Besides, like you're one to talk. You're so goth you bleed black hair dye."

A five and what looked like... an H? Sol either needed his judging license revoked or Adair needed to work on his penmanship.

"At least I do not require a step stool to see my mirror."

Dray didn't bother to look at the score. The mirror needed defending because it was the best thing Sol had invented all year. It had lights that brightened or dimmed on verbal commands, it allowed Dray to get a magnified view with just a tap, and it held all of their jewelry in little drawers along the sides. "Excuse you, I haven’t had that problem since Sol installed a full-length mirror for me. If you'd take your ridiculously pointy nose out of a book for three seconds, you'd have noticed that. Or maybe not. Can you even see your reflection?"

Adair held up a three and made a face. "Come on, you're barely ranking 'passable' today. Was that supposed to be calling him a ghost or farsighted?"

Dray tossed a cushion at him. Adair caught it as well as to be expected, which is to say not at all, and it landed in the center of the game board. If Dray was lucky it broke the hippo. Sol would inevitably fix it, but it would take him a few minutes and perhaps by then the rain would have come to an end.

Etri nodded towards Adair, then winked at Dray. They'd never seen him do that before, but they knew exactly what he meant. Dray sauntered over to the couch and tapped Adair on the nose where the usual black smudge resided. "You're so stained with ink they could use you to print the Ordurn edition."

"Quick, Addy, what's bigger?" Sol held up a seven and an eight. So the score was out of ten after all. These two low-scorers wouldn't know a good insult if it hit them over the heads.

Or maybe they would. Adair smacked Sol with an unused nine. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

"He's usually on your side. That's because he keeps gluing himself to you." In all the excitement, Blythe had entered the wagon unnoticed. She hung her coat on a hook by the door and came over. "So why is there so much roasting going on in here? I thought I'd need a fire to warm up, but you four have it covered."

Adair wrapped one of Blythe’s knitted throws around her shoulders and grinned up at her. "Your wagon is so full of plants it's been designated a national park."

Blythe flicked him on the nose. The ink stain really did make for a good target. "That's a compliment, you dork."

Adair crossed his eyes, finally noticed the smudge, and began frantically rubbing at it with his sleeve. "I'm not very good at this, am I?"

Blythe wet a handkerchief with the water still dripping from her hair and wiped at his nose. "I'm sure no one could come close if it was a pun contest. Not that they'd want to get too close. You shed paint the way Sol sheds glitter, like a sparkly trail of breadcrumbs."

"Breadcrumbs are how I located Atair last week."

Adair clutched at his chest in mock hurt. "You, too, Etch?"

Dray could swing this right back around. "Don’t worry, Addy. You'll be able to find a certain lanky sentinel by the inky fingerprints he's leaving behind. He's been writing poetry again."

Etri didn't deny it, but he did put his hands in his pockets. Maybe that had been a low blow; Etri was self-conscious about this hobby. Dray started to apologize when Blythe nudged them. "No worse than finding you by the used matches you drop everywhere."

Oh, she did not just go there. No one made fun of Dray's matches any more than their mirror. "I don't know, maybe you should ask the trail of chastised carnies you leave wherever you go?"

Blythe opened her mouth only to be interrupted when Adair slid a card into it. It was a zero. Dray started to laugh until another zero was placed in their mouth. Not to be outdone, Sol handed Etri another. Upon closer inspection it was a letter O, but for Sol that was almost right.

Adair stood with his arms crossed in a way reminiscent of Blythe’s usual stance. "That's it. The game's over. No more playing when you get mean. No one wins."

That wasn't fair. Dray had come up with the best ones and it was Etri who had started the contest. He should have known it would go south on a day where certain people were grumpy from the weather.

Sol's voice stopped an argument before it could become more than a few bickered words. "Uh... Addy? Can you pretty please help?"

Within a few seconds he'd proven Blythe's earlier glue observation and managed to get himself stuck to half a dozen cards. Attached to his forehead was the missing ten. Adair tugged this off and handed it to him. “I changed my mind. You win, Sol.”

Sol hadn’t even joined the contest! Dray grumbled about the game being rigged and Adair playing favorites as they returned to the window. Still, rigged or not, it was a better game than "Here Comes the Hippo." Dray would reluctantly give that one a six, but only because it was the only unused card number.

------------------------- (I wish I’d had more time to clean this up because this is a fun idea. A big thanks to @ageekyreader for bouncing ideas off me and @perringwrites for the idea to write this meaning of “roasted.” I had a few people say that they want to be tagged in each day’s Jotober post, so for now I’m going to keep doing that-- assuming I get one a day finished because I’m starting to fall behind. If you’d prefer I make a master post each week with links to that week’s stories and tag you only in that one, let me know and I’ll totally do that.  @lynnafred @the-gay-hufflepuff @oceanwriter @desperatlytryingtowriteabook @muffindragon227 @theguildedtypewriter @wchwriter @toboldlywrite @ghostsmooches @lady-redshield-writes @bluemartlet @reeseweston @dreameronthewind @forlornraven @pen-for-sword @shadow-maker @loopyhoopydrabbles @emptymanuscript @madmoonink @megan-cutler @thatwriternamedvolk @elliot-orion @writer-on-time @siarven @ravenpuffwriter @worldbuildingwren @hiddswritingrefs @missrobinswritings @writevevo @fannistwrites @cay--scribbles @focusdumbass @crartistic @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword @enasroterfaden @joshuaorrizonte @zofiehelen @kainablue @homesteadhorner )

[thiswasinevitableid]

Kitchen Nightmares

Prompt for the 25th was: Sabotage

“Alright” Mama stands, hands on hips, surveying the pairs lined up in front of her “here’s the rules: y’all got two hours to make us dessert. And whichever one we like best, that team don’t got to help with clean-up from big fall dinner next week. Any questions? Aubrey?”

“How come Ned doesn’t have to compete?”

“Because, friend Aubrey, gentlemen of mine and Thacker’s ages are in no condition to do such difficult labor.”

“Ned, you fuckin crashed a jetpack once. Cleanin up would be a piece of cake.”

“To be fair” Barclay says, “you haven’t seen what dishes look like that day.”

“And I banned Arlo from the kitchen ten years ago on account of the gorp incident.” Mama holds up a whistle, while Juno readies a stopwatch. 

“On you marks, get set, go!”

------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright ‘Drid, what should we make?”

“Hmmm, oh! I rather enjoy Jell-O, can we make that?”

“No, goofus, I meant what gives us the best chances of winnin?”

“I can’t tell just yet, as the others have not decided on their dishes, so the futures are all in flux. And I don’t want to lose precious time by waiting on them.”

“Good point.” Duck taps his chin, snaps his fingers, “got it, Juno’s got a weak spot for pumpkin cream cheese brownies, used to eat half a pan of them herself whenever my mom made a batch.”

“Brownies it is. Do I get to lick the spoon?”

“Of course, sugar.”

------------------------------------------------------

“Why are you even competing, aren’t you doing most of the cooking that day?”

“Yeah, but assuming because I cook everyone else will do the dishes has backfired, big time, before.” Barclay shudders, then smiles “plus, didn’t want to leave you without a partner, agent.”

“What are we making?”

“Pumpkin doughnuts. Mama loves ‘em and...is that a X-files patterned apron?”

“Yes. I bought one because I wanted to help you in the kitchen.”

“You’re such a nerd, I love it, now hand me that mixing bowl.”

---------------------------------------

“Okay, so, we’re making bee-sting pudding.” Hollis cracks their knuckles as they stare at the spice rack.

“Do you, like, need me to go round up some bees?”

“No, Jake, I need you to grab some honey and some whiskey.”

“Can do!”

“.....Did you just heely over to get that?”

-----------------------------------------

“What is our battle plan, Leo Tarkesian? For I wish to be victorious, and also to charm Madeleine Cobb!”

“Uh, my ma used to make these real nice pumpkin cookies. Was thinkin we make some fillin to go in ‘em and make us some whoopie pies. Y’know, do ‘em up fancy-like.”

“Very well. We shall make whoopie!”

“Pies, Minerva, whoopie pies”

“It is not sporting to eavesdrop, Wayne Newton.”

-----------------------------------------

“We could make cookies? Oh! What if we did them in the shape of Dr. Harris Bonkers?”

“I think we lost our rabbit cookie-cutter in the blender incident, firebug.”

“Damn it.”

“We could make cupcakes. Barclay taught me his basic recipe, and I can modify it a little to be fall-ish.”

“You’re so smart.” Aubrey kisses her nose, “okay, you bake, I’ll decorate.”

Dani starts mixing ingredients together, while Aubrey takes stock of the sprinkle situation. As she’s doing so, she spots Hollis whisking something over the stove while Jake hands them ingredients. Whatever it is smells delicious, so good that she wants to lick the air. 

Hmm, that’s not great in terms of their odds. 

With practiced sleight of hand, the sugar at the Hornet station becomes salt. Jake will forgive her for the prank. He loves pranks.

Two minutes later, she hears Hollis make a “bleh” sound.

“What the fuck, this is salt!? I know I got sugar out.”

Her giggle gives her away.

“Aw, what the heck bro!”

“All’s fair in love, war, and dish-duty avoidance, Jake.”

“That so?” Hollis cocks an eyebrow, and it distracts Aubrey from the handful of flour that Jake launches her way. 

She shrieks out a laugh, shakes the powder from her hair and flicks a cloud of it towards him with spell. 

Unfortunately, said spell goes a bit wide and hits Indrid, coating his glasses. 

“Oh, bother.”  He reaches for them.

“‘Drid wait you’re right by-”

Clang

“Ooops, sorry Barclay, I didn’t mean to knock your bowl over.”

“Uh huh, sure.” Barclay smirks, eyeing first their brownie mix and then the nearby jar of chili powder.

“Don’t you dare.” Red eyes narrow. 

“Wayne Newton, your consorts’ wing is getting feathers in our batter!”

“Minerva, for fuck’s sake, you can call me Duck.”

“Duck!”

“That’s betterACKfuck.” Duck splutters, spots the culprit in the form of Leo holding a formerly full bag of powdered sugar. 

“That was a dirty trick old man!” 

“What’re you gonna do about it?” 

“Gonna make sure you get flour where the sun don’t shine.” He dives after an escaping Leo, leaving their station unattended. Barclay steps over and calmly dumps most of the chili powder into it their bowl. Turns back to his station, only to find Indrid holding his and Sterns batter out of the agents reach. 

With a wide grin, Indrid unfurls his tongue.

“Don’t even think about it.” Barclay growls. Indrid locks eyes with him as he jams his tongue into the bowl and repeatedly licks the mixture.

“Gah, that’s so unsanitary!” Stern yells. Barclay takes off his bracelet, and as soon as he’s in his Sylph form Indrid drops the bowl and tries to run.

“Oh no you don’t, not letting you get moth cooties on more of my ingredients!”

Indrid chirrs in amusement, flapping his wings to keep Barclay at bay and sending up a cloud of dry ingredients. It settles just in time for Stern to see Jake trying to steal their remaining yeast. So he grabs the sprayer nozzle from the nearby sink and points it at the younger man.

“C’mon bro” Jake takes off his disguise, “you couldn’t possibly hurt this face.”

Stern sprays him, covers his mouth with his hand to laugh as Jake shakes the water from his fur and poofs up. 

Jake shrugs, “your loss dude.”

“What do you mean my- Hollis get back here with that dough! The kitchen is no place for stunts!”

“Fight the power!”

-------------------------------------

“Duck, Indrid, you’re up first.” 

Indrid sets the plates down with a triumphant flourish. Juno’s face lights up.

“Oh hell yeah, Mama Newtons brownie recipe.”

She takes an enormous bite. The frantically grabs for her water.

“Blegh, Duck, why are they so spicy?”

“There was an incident with some spices and we did not have time to make new batter.” 

“That got anythin to do with why Duck is covered in powdered sugar.”

“Yes.”

“Huh. Well, nice try fellas and- Indrid would you stop lickin him-I can see what you were goin for, but let’s see what Hollis and Jake did.”

As Jake sets out the bowls, Hollis says, “we made bee-sting pudding, with bourbon whipped cream on top.”

“Why friend Hollis, that’s a remarkably refined dish, bravo.” Ned eyes his pudding happily.

“Thanks. I think. Anyway.” They point to the bowls.  All four judges take a bite, and proceed to make rather comical faces.

“Hollis, is it supposed to be this salty?” Thacker rubs his tongue with a napkin.

“No.”

“Oh, uh, I see.”

Minerva and Leo are up next, with the warrior taking extra care when setting Mama’s plate in front of her. 

“Leo?”

“Yeah, Juno?”

“Please tell me the black feathers are made of chocolate or something?” She eyes the whoopie pie worriedly while Mama picks feathers off of hers.

“Can I get away with sayin their garnish?”

Thacker, Ned, and Juno all push their plates back. Mama takes a small bite, “I mean, the parts that don’t got feathers in ‘em are good, but that ain’t all that much of ‘em. Good try.” This she directs at Minerva with an odd little smile. 

“Barclay, whadaya got?”

“Nothing.” The cook grumbles. 

“We lost one batch of dough to, ah, contamination, and the other to some ‘stunts.’”

“O-kay. Aubrey, Dani?”

“Tadah!” Aubrey sets a plate of cupcakes down, all frosted in bright orange with black, glittery sprinkles. 

Ned nibbles one rather daintily to keep frosting out of his beard (Thacker makes no such attempt), Juno takes one bite and moans, and Mama downs hers and says, “thank fuck.”

“Gonna go ahead and say it;s unanimous. Aubrey and Dani, you win.”

“Woohoo!” Aubrey shouts, then dips Dani in a celebratory kiss. 

“Wait, hang on a second, they’re the ones who started the whole mess back there.” Duck protests. 

Mama regards the pair, who don matching sheepish expressions, “That so? Well, they still win this, so they ain’t cleanin up from dinner next week.”

The others groan.

“They are, however, cleanin up from whatever the hell went on back there today.”

[hail-and-well-met-my-dude]

Taking the World by Firestorm, Part I

Read on AO3 here

Taako is eyeing a pair of giant hoop earrings at a market kiosk, fingers itchy, when Lup bounds up to him. Her eyes are shining and she’s holding a large stack of papers in her arms.

“What’s up, Lu?” She raises an eyebrow at him, and she probably would have punched him in the face if not for the papers precariously cradled in her hands.

“I want to go to nerd school.” His hands pull back from where they were surreptitiously worrying the earrings and go to his hips.

“You want to what?” He can see, now, that the stack of papers is a bunch of application documents, on the top of which is a flyer that proudly, in bold red letters exclaims, ‘Become a Red Robe! Apply for I.P.R.E. today!’ along with pictures of an elf, a human, and a dragonborn all clad in red, arms linked, with the circular insignia of the Institute emblazoned on their robes. Ew, they’re all matching, Taako thinks.

She begins leafing through the documents, occasionally thrusting one into his face expecting him to read, all while chattering excitedly.

“Do you think we could find a reference? Page three says we need one… Oh shit no, it says we need two. Well, I’m sure the owner of that dive bar we cooked for would vouch for us if we threw some gold his way. Oh, and if we ace this audition bit, we won’t need to worry about tuition and training fees. It says the rooms are supplied, and spacious, but we both know that’s bullshit, they probably count vertical space in the square footage and expect everyone to be in bunkbeds like snot-nosed brats. Anyway…” And she goes on.

Taako turns away from the jewelry display and faces Lup completely. She stops, mouth open, then closes it. On anyone else it would look sheepish. From the angle of her jaw, though, Taako can tell she’s being more… mule-ish.

“You want to go to school? You want to apply for a four-year program at a--” He grabs one of the papers near the top and points to a line “--’prestigious research institute for the arts both arcane and otherwise’. Lup, we’ve spent our entire lives doing magic for money on the road, and we’ve done fine! So fine enough that I might actually pay for these earrings!” He takes them off the display and holds them in her face.

She looks at them, then back at Taako, with her eyebrow still raised. Don’t hold your face like that for too long, it might stick, he thinks. “You know those are fake, right? They only cost a few copper. Your ears’ll be green in a couple hours.”

Taako bristles. “Fine!” He throws the earrings at the display and brushes past his sister back in the direction of the merchant they’ve been travelling with. “You can try this nerd thing, train with some knuckleheads who can’t tell a second-level evocation spell from a cantrip, explore the planarverse, and when you get back,” He looks over his shoulder and sees her, eyes blazing, following him with the application papers still clenched in her arms, “Send a carrier pidgeon my way. I’ll be a famous travelling chef by then, whose risotto won’t burn because someone can’t help but throw some pyrotechnics in the mix.” His fists are shaking as he keeps walking, then slows. Her boots aren’t right behind him, they’ve stopped.

He can see her standing in the road when he looks back again, heart pounding in his chest. She is still furious and she might catch the papers on fire if she’s not careful, but they might be extinguished by the tears he can see forming in her eyes.

“You asshat, can’t you see this? We might get to learn from people who actually know what they’re doing, train with the best, and do dope shit for the world, and this is what you want to keep doing? Smelling mercenary armpits day-in and day-out, who can’t even tell that the risotto is burnt because they don’t know what a fucking risotto is?! This is all you want?!”

She’s drawing an audience, now. For the first time in as long as he can remember, he wishes she wouldn’t.

Lup walks towards him, then passes him, hitting his shoulder with hers. Even though she didn’t put any fire in it, it burns.

That evening, in the tent (like, yeah, it’s a tent, but they’re made it a comfy-ass tent. They’ve made it their home, or the closest thing they’ll ever get to one!), Taako sees Lup setting out her nicest clothes, the closest thing to ‘business attire’ that either of them own. Clean, pressed tan trousers, her shiniest knee-high boots, a red shirt that is just nice enough to possibly considered a blouse, and a blue blazer Taako didn’t even know she had.

He sighs and looks at his hands, rough, dry, and cracked despite the ridiculous amount of lotion he uses to try to make them soft. Scarred and calloused. The hands of an urchin-turned-travelling-chef. Not the hands of someone deserving of an institute, much less the Institute of Planar Research and Exploration.

Or…

“You’re really gonna do this, aren’t you Lup.” There’s no question in his voice.

“Whether you want me to or not, brother,” she says across the tent. Her voice is almost completely steady, but quavers at the last syllable, just like his resolve.

“You know,” He says, reaching for one of the ten applications she grabbed in her fervor to get one, and then another just in case, then a backup for the backup, “it would be really unfortunate if we wasted all this paper.” He finally looks up at her across the tent, where she’s shining her boots for the third time that night. “I might as well fill one out, too.”

Her face breaks into a sly grin at the toes of her boots. “Nah, I don’t think they could handle the both of us there. The atmosphere can only probably hold the cool factor of one Tacco twin at a time.”

“Good thing I’m getting in and not you, goofus.” He grabs the quill on the table between them and begins scratching in his sparse personal information, the perfect mirror of Lup’s.

“Oh, you spend the whole day coming up with that sick burn, dingus? I’m honored!” She throws one of the roughly twenty pillows they keep all over at his head. He pretends not to see the tear on her cheek, but the pillow smacks his writing hand and the quill scritches across the whole page.

“Damn it, hand me another one!” He says and lobs it at her, where she incinerates it midair, easier than breathing. Her howling laughter fills the tent with warmth and they toss the leftover papers in the air just to watch them burn.

[popculturebuffet]

Bloomtrospective Part 1: The Academia Waltz or Birth of an American Stinker

Once upon a time in Austin, Texas, University of Texas student Berkely Breathed, a smartass with a mustache to this very day and a loveable goofus of the highest order, was recently out of a job, thrown out on his ass by the Austin-American Statesman for one of his cartoons pissing people off. It would not be the last time one of his cartoons pissed people off, nor the end of his cartooning career, though it would probably be the last job he was outright fired from.. maybe he might of delivered pizza's, stripped or fought grown men and/or walruses for money.. I don't know what he did in his spare time.

And not long after, he found a new , regular cartooning gig in the daily texan, UT's newspaper and since college papers give far less fucks about people yelling at them than national newspapers, which gave way TOO much of a fuck about people yelling at them over comic strips, Berkely had his first regular gig. and it was this gig that lead to thousands of comic strips, 3 more series later on, plushies, an animated special, a failed pitch at dreamworks, t-shirts, bill watterson getting pissy with him, pearl clutching from concerned elderly people, letters from harper lee and lenoard nemoy, and a small album made by fans. And it all started with a small time semi-doonesbury knockoff starting an obnoxious fratboy.

Welcome one and all, to Bloomtrospective, my retrospective covering all 14 years of bloom county, and every year of it's prequel and sequels. For those not aware bloom county is a comic strip that was started by Brethed in december 1980 and went on to run till mid 89, becoming one of the most influnetal and funniest comic strips of all time, often getting into political and celebrity satire and weird shenanigans. I"m, as you can probably tell by this insane undertaking, a massive fan and more than happy to dive into all 28, yes 28, years worth of content it's creator , Mr. Brethed, put out. And before you ask, yes virginia, that is his real name. But before I can get into bloom county proper, as you can probably guess i'm tackling his college strip, the Academia Waltz.

The reason is simple: I want to track his full evolution as an artist and professinal smartass, and a lot of what would become bloom county is in the primordial ooze of this strip. That's not metaphorical either: around 41 gags, give or take one or two that are similar but not identical, were recycled for Bloom County , with a paticular gag getting recycled three times, a gag i'll get to next time as it's the very first Bloom County strip and frankly deserves a paragraph all it's own. That being said, the strips were hilarious and worth a recycle and frankly not a lot of people probably saw this strip first run, so recyling his best stuff for a wider audience is just good practice. It was done before him with Doonesbury's Gary Tredeau before him and Pearls Before Swine's Stephan Pastis after him recyling their college and web strips for syndication.

And this is far from the only way Waltz follows in Doonesbury's footsteps. For those unaware of the strip, Doonesbury is a political strip started in 1969 that's STILL GOING, albeit sunday's only since the early 2010's, and was one of the most popular and well loved strips in the world at the time Waltz came out. Brethed has out and out admitted that he curbed from the strip for Waltz and early BLoom County and implied, likely sarcastically but given Tredeau is a smartass himselff I can't be entirely sure, that Tredeau sent him obsecntiy filled letters in response. And for the record the two are now on good terms and likely were by mid-bloom county, and it's just as likely the letters were in good fun.  Both series do have a main charcter, though in doonesbury's case one of many, with sunglasses and a surly conservative attitude, and several of waltz side cast resemble doonesbury characters. And Brethed wasn't blind to this, eventually poking fun at himself late into Waltz' run.

But now with that Elephant firmly out of the room, we can move onto the strip itself which starts... with a bunch of formless one off strips about random people before solidly getting into a main cast, as i'll be going character by character here. Though for starters i'll be focusing on two: Steve and Kitzi

Our main schmuck is Steve Dallas, one of the main reasons i'm covering the strip as, along with Opus, the penguin whose the main character of Berke's works as a whole and who we'll get to in an enstalment or two, is one of the few characters Brethed uses in every single strip after this and the only one to have a lead roll in all four.

Steve is an obnoxious, racist, sexist, immature, attempted cheating, asshole of a fratboy. He was based on a friend of Berke's who hasn't come out of the woodwork to beat him senseless yet. The character was intended to be a saterzation of fratboys and toxic masculinity, but sadly as happens often several fratboys saw him as a figure to be looked up to and missed the joke to Brethed's annoyance. And he works well as that and decently as a unsymapthetic protagnist, but I do also see easily why he ended up not being the main character of BLoom County itself and more one of an ensemble with Opus and Milo taking center stage: he's an asshole. It's funner watching his misadventures with someone besides his girlfriend who should've left him LONG ago and who he threatens to molest at one point...

A gag that clearly hasn't agred great, though I concede that put in context of the time it's okay and compared to some shenanigans in 70's and 80's frat comedy, it's tame by comparison. But while not terrible here Steve works at his best with a strong personality to play off of, like most of the bloom county cast, especially as a double act with Opus at times later on. Here while there is a good bit or two with his girlfriend and soriority girl Kitz, like the condom gag used up top. 

There just.. isn't that much to her till the last leg of the strip. For most of it she's just a flat character who wnats more from the relationship and refuses to sleep with Steve for most of the strip because he's Steve. She DOES sleep with her professor, in an arc that is absolutley dreadful by today's standards, as she is very clearly drunk when both she calls him and comes over, and not only doe she sleep with him. But well....

Yup, this has happened before.. and look i'm not saying dark jokes can't be played for laughs, again the above molest gag really isn't that terrible in the context of the time, mostly because steve gets caught and presumibly roughed up immeditly. Here? A teacher takes advantage of his student, has done so with them before, and will again and it's portrayed as cheating rather than Kitzi you know, being raped. It's not great is what i'm saying, though I don't hold present day Brethead acountable for it and I doubt he's all that proud of it. He didn't exactly use this arc to represent the strip any time waltz was reprinted before he let it be fully reperinted and wasn't proud of the strip as a whole, it's just a strip that dosen't hold up well int he Me Too era and the character himself can go have sex with a rake.

Moving on from that nightmare, Kitzi DOES get an arc towards the end where she does change a bit, deciding, out of nowhere really, to change her look up and her major.

This verison does in fact sleep with steve, Ugh, but is also a slightly better foil for him and would later be the basis for a character we'll get to next time, Bobbi Harlow, who'd be a more fully realized verison, but still hasn't changed that much: she's a feminist sure but her role with steve is still the smart woman to the dumb traditional male, a dynamic that's been done to death by now, and even taking it in the context of the time just isn't that funny. She's mostly a cardboard cutout of a woman used to serve as Steve's foil and Bobbi after her would be a bit more fleshed out character wise. But we'll get to her next time.

Now onto another charcter, one who'd be fully imigrated, if breifly to Bloom County.

This is rabies, a dog. He'd be abandoned partway into the next strip because as Berke himself put it, there was no shortage of cartoon dogs, and his personality would largely become that of Milo and the forest animals. However for this strip.. he's great, consiently funny, well drawn and the most entertaining part. Some of the best bits with steve are playing off this old boy and here are some of his highlights.

Not much else to say really, he' a funny, dry sacracstic character and to me feels kinda like the blueprint for the vast majority of berke's characters to come.

Next up is Saigon John, though he’d be called Cutter John in Bloom County. He's one of the only two characters to be important to any of the following strips along with Steve. In Both strips he's a ladies man and vietnam vet, though here he's more of an out and out hippie. He's still remarkably fleshed out for this strip and even gets a full origin story at one point, that while starting goofy with Cutter having turned his rifle into a bong the final two strips are pogniant, and while having a good joke in there... still treat his being paralized in a warzone with the weight it deserves.

A standout in this run and a sign that berke does have a knack for emotinal beats as well as damn good comedy. He was also steve's roomie for a while... nothing really to go into there, just something I felt needed mentioning.

Finally, out of the major characters, we have Val, kitzi's roomate who ironically is never seen with her as frankly Kitzi is basically built to orbit around steve. I do like Val a lot though, an average looking young woman looking for love.. but as seen above usually just ends up trying to surivive an evening with some jerkhole. She's a sympatheic enough character and while she does show up for the finale, she dosen't really get an ending. Get used to that as Berke has a habit of dropping characters abrubtly. Speaking of which it's now time for a character lightning round. Outside of our main 5 here the strip had a  TON of characters that didn't really do much and whose names I struggle to remember. There's Halfoat a crossdressing football player whose a mixed bag.

Their hard to read as it's hard to tell if their transsgender or just wear women's clothing and this being a 20 something berkely brethead a time when those sorta things were given about as much thought as the producers of Cats gave the idea of making the characters not look like a crime against .. well everything really. But at least the people with an issue against them are treated as morons and Halfoat is portrayed as confident and accepted by most of the team except for the douche above. 

Fairing a little better is Threser, another football character before they dropped that gag entirely as it was basically Doonesbury's football strips but with no idea what to actually do with them besides ocasinally throw in an LBGTQ person in there and have the rest of the team be idiots about it. But Thresher is self assurred and enjoyable.

Next we have dancer, a combination of Zonker and Mark Slackmeyer from doonesbury who.. really dosen't have mcuh in the way of personality. He has an accent and that is. The british australian mismash of an accent would come up again in bloom county with LImekiller, a doonesbury ripoff for another day, but otherwise he's basically nothing.

Finally we have the WEIRDEST edition to this cast, Trooper, who appeared for 4 or 3 strips. A very transparent Zonker Harris from Doonesbury knockoff, with the odd as hell twist of "he's an alien". While BLom County would later have aliens and other weirdness from time to time, it worked because it was a hightned version of the real world, something that would be used ocasionally in waltz, but not enough yet at this point to make this any less what the hell. Just a weird footnote. But as you can tell most of these characters are also rans. THere was also a facultiy member warring against medicority, Louis berke's first POC character seen above, some guy who showed up for a while but had no reanl name or personality, Val's mother, Steve's sister and a few one shots but the strip ran through characters pretty quickly. However that does give me the lisecne to bring in the dropped character count!

Dropped Character Count: 9

9 already and with val and Kitzi both being dropped, though kitzi would be resued in a WEIRD way later on in bloom county. that already brings us up to Dropped Character Count: 11

And we've only just begun folks.But to wrap this up, the strip DID have a proper finale: with Berke’s graduation imminent, he quickly wrapped up the story with Steve casually proposing and despite the understandable issues her mother had witht he wedding, steve and kitzi were wed and the strip came to a close. Not a bad ending all things considered and as the next few strips would show, Berke had a way with endings.. for the most part.

Overall though Waltz, despite an awkward start is a decent strip.. dated sure, it was made several decades ago, but not all that bad and enjoyable enough if your a fan of Bloom County, though it's also easy enough to read once out of curosity and then never again, but i'm glad I went through it again for the Cutter John flashback and Rabies alone, and i'm equally as glad it is out there for the curious party to see where BLoom County began.

Naturally you can tell the story dosen't end here... next time Berke goes national and gets syndicated by the Washington Post as he tries to find his footing as a comic stripper and we take our first trip down to Bloom County and meet a wide variety of colorful characters.. that by year two will mostly be gone. Until next time, courage.

[seksipomminpurkaja]

cameron having a firsthand view of nevan stepping in to defend max's honour, kadiz when tal has a nightmare and first kiss for radu and aaron?

ye!

He was just having a drink and chatting up with Max when this rude patron comes to her desk and starts yapping about her weight. He would call them out if he’d have the courage and Max is looking like she’s ignoring them, but then this huge scared nedian with a metal hand comes in real close and flashes her teeth. Damn, remind him to not get on any nedian’s bad side, looks scary. But she’s doing great job beating the patron’s ass without actual violence, just sharp tongue. And then it hit him, this is Nevan isn’t it? Max has told some odd stuff about her. Doesn’t seem like the most compassionate but man, he never though she’d come to Max’s aid like that? He’s too scared to introduce himself though

She’s gently petting his shoulder while he still sleeps, the spasms quite gave it away that he’s resting uneasy. Just keep petting and humming to him, to calm him down or maybe wake him up If he wakes up she wraps herself around him and strokes his hair, murmuring that he’s safe and she’s there and there’s nothing to be afraid of right now, love close your eyes it’ll be ok. Asks if he wants to talk about what he saw, if he’d like some water or anything, please say. Otherwise just lay there with him and hold hi close

After a simple coffee date in the middle of the day, walking back to Radu’s apartment, hand in hand maybe. As they’re walking through a park Aaron stops on his tracks, spins Radu gently to face him and smiles like the big goofus he is. Thanks for the lovely break time and then pops the simple question, may he kiss him? Idk if Radu replies in his needy ‘oh god please do’ or more casual ‘sure’, but that’s the time he gets the yes as an answer. He gently grabs his chin and lifts his face to level with his own, it’s gentle and nothing really spectacular other than it’s their first kiss together, and after a long while of dating anyone so there’s that too, it may be little awkward, but none of that matters, Ace is overjoyed he got to kiss a cute guy

[ronjonjo365]

Joe - Raindrops are tappin' the tarp. It's 9:30 in the morning and I'm kicked back in my recliner enjoying my second cup o' coffee. I slept well, this same drizzle was a lullaby on my tent last night to accompany the sound of glacial melt rushing down the Matanuska waterway 100 yards from camp. It's shaping up to be a day best spent under shelter close to supplies and reading material and I'm nodding off lost in those thoughts. Me and the dog detect the sound simultaneously. He bounces out of my lap as I strain to visually confirm my suspicions. An old Chevy truck pulls up to the bridge. I know that sound. I know that guy. I hope I'm wrong about knowin' what he wants to do. I'm not. Wayne rounds the corner onto the camp trail grinnin' like a goofus. He gives me one of the beers he's carrying, pops the top on his and sits in the dog's chair (yeah, the dog has a chair, it's a recliner...not bad for a homeless guy eh?) and announces his intention to drag me off to some bay on the coast of Alaska and help me catch salmon. "Right now?" is my initial query. Can't I finish my nap and wait for the weather to clear are my immediate thoughts... "Pack yer shit, here's some dry bags. Ya got a fishin' pole?" FUCK! It takes half an hour and we're heading south. I packed for cold and wet. Wayne says we're snaggin' 'em. I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. "People are trying to come with us, a woman with kids," he explains, "I ain't no babysitter, we gotta get outta town before she can find us." We stop at the govt game office for a proxy permit. They say no. We go to a coffee shack for some biscuits and gravy. I read the fine print and point out a flaw in their reasoning. We go back to argue with the govt. they say no. Wayne's head is gonna pop. We gotta get outta dodge. We're waiting on traffic trying to exit the parking lot and make good our escape when the woman with kids appears out of the line of vehicles. She pulls up and rolls down her window. Apparently she wants to make some plans. Wayne is turning red, "OK," he rolls up his window and we're on our way. There's a friend in Anchorage. We stop for a packet of powder guaranteed to enhance our expedition experience and increase our salmon harvest. Travelling the Turnagain Arm road the truck starts acting up, starvin' for gas is the prognosis. We stop at a pullout and pop the hood. I gotta pee. I retreat to the trees. In the process it occurs to me what are the odds that woman and those kids will find us here. I zip up and turn around in time to see her truck pull up. I have yet to meet any of these people. Wayne's been cussin' 'em out the whole way so I don't expect much. Through the side I can see eyes and hair in the back seat and skinny limbs hanging out the windows. Much noise emanates from the area. She wants to make more plans. "OK," Wayne says and we close the hood and leave. The weather clears but the mood is stormy She trails us all the way into Seward. We find a place to park and access the water. Poles are set up with inch long treble hooks with a 10 ounce weight in the middle. The woman has poles and hooks for all in her party. Wayne takes notice. The tide's coming in so we have a long walk to where people are fishing. They cast the hook halfway across a 30 foot channel then jerk the rod. Pull in the slack like a fly rod then jerk again, pull the assembly out of the water and toss it to the middle again...over and over in hopes a passing salmon will get impaled on one of the treble hooks. If the surroundings weren't so beautiful this repetitive slinging and jerking would get monotonous. Then some guy 15 feet downstream pulls 5 pounds of fighting salmon out of the slough and you redouble your efforts. It's a maddening way to spend an evening. Thank dog for beer. Wayne is warming up to the woman and her kids when she shows they can take care of themselves and we don't have to babysit. Hell, even her 7 year old daughter is standing in the water slinging and jerking. We all get skunked. The tide is coming in fast and the water's getting deep so we head back to a tent camp we spotted in town. The woman is completely unprepared for camping. She comes across a tent tucked away behind the debris collecting in the back of the truck but nobody thought to bring a sleeping bag or blanket. The powder works its magic and I don't sleep a wink all night which is funny when you think about it. Here I am all rolled up in a kingsized sleeping bag with my eyes bugging out of my head, my brain working overtime and not a chance for zzz's to kick in while the woman and her kids are huddled and cuddled up in a cheap tent trying to spread body warmth. I feel bad now...I didn't then. I did donate a polar fleece shirt . I was tired of watching the 7 year old shiver. I'm 6'3" she's 3' nuthin' I figure she could use the shirt as a sleeping bag. I've yet to get it back. We find better water access for $20 in the morning. We meet some interesting people on the way. One guy named Darrell from Cedar Rapids Iowa."I just like to kill shit and eat it," is his philosophy. Interesting. That was my dads name and that's where he was from though that wasn't my dad's philosophy. Another guy named Rich from Anchorage who grows pot professionally. I get his phone number. Another guy from Ukraine whose story was so convoluted I'm still confused. Wayne catches a couple fish. The woman caught one too. I get skunked again but I'm privy to a heartwarming scene: We are trudging to a new channel 'cause the one we were fishin' wasn't producing. I pick a spot next to an old guy sitting on a bucket holding his head in his hands. Wayne taps the guy on the shoulder and asks if everything is ok. The guy looks up and says, "Yeah, I'm just a little tired. I just want to catch a fish." Wayne says, "Ok but you can't catch anything if yer hook ain't in the water." "I know," the guy sets up to restart the slinging and jerking process. Wayne walks past a couple fisher folk and starts fishing. We're not here five minutes when Wayne hooks into a salmon. He keeps the rod tip up, excuses himself to get around 2 guys with poles and presents the old guy with his rod, "Here's yer fish." The old guy grabs the rod like a pro, passes his to Wayne and reels in the catch. The smile on his face will stay with me for a long time. I'm still skunked but the kids are a joy to be around. They're not stupid and they're not whiners. They smile a lot, stay active and are capable of coherent conversation. The weather includes sunshine and warmth and things are looking up even if I can't catch a damn fish. Eagles are common as crows with all the fish food the anglers leave behind but they're still impressive. The $20 dollar entrance fee includes camping so we find a place in the weeds, away from a flock of screeching sea gulls and pitch tents. The demon dust works its spell and my body rests but my mind wanders through another sleepless night. The morning finds me and Wayne sitting around a campfire talking ourselves into the long walk to the water for a final attempt. The woman and her kids are still snoozin', we don't need no stinkin' food, we pack our nostrils, grab our poles and head out. A mile later we're at waters edge. Not a channel, this is the bay at low tide. We're casting 50 yards into saltwater. My first cast lands a flounder. He gets to swim again. My second cast hooks into a nice sized salmon. Heehee I'm not a vegetarian ('vegetarian' is native for 'bad hunter'). Wayne pulls one in too. The action slows so we go. The woman and her kids are out fishing so we break camp and head out. Highway traffic is at a crawl on this 2 lane main artery. Tourists are gawking, roadwork is halting progress and we need ice for the fish. We have to wait till Anchorage for the frozen cubes but it's a beautiful day and we have food. It's a good trip!