#The gift that took me on an emotional rollercoaster at times

[ponderingmoonlight]

Hi! I just love your levi fics so much!

For a request I was hoping for something like this -

Levi & reader had grown up together along with Isabel and farlan, when the group gets sent off onto their fateful mission levi thinks reader died alongside with Isabel and farlan. (Angst)

Only to discover years later that reader was alive and actually doing very well for themselves, well known and a strong fighter. Just a very cute reunion fic maybe? Maybe romance 👀 thanks! <3

🦅- Anon

this was an emotional rollercoaster I'm still crying babe but here you go, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do <3

Levi thinking he lost his sun forever only to find you again after years

Pairing: Levi x fem! reader

Word Count: 3,3k

Synopsis: It's been 1869 days since you were killed by the abnormal titan Isabel and Farlan lost their lives to as well, 1869 days of missing you and regretting that Levi didn't tell you about his true feelings when you were still alive. Little does he know you aren't so easy to get rid of and that you are still out there...

Warnings: death, blood, war scene, depression, full on hurt to comfort, super duper fluff in the end, as usual not proofread because I need to go to bed now hehe

Notes: Finally my first Levi fic after literally MONTHS! I know a lot of you were patiently waiting for more attack on titan content and I'm beyond sorry it took me so long babes. Please let me know how you feel about Attack on Titan content so that I might do more and especially regular fics in the future <3

He can’t take his eyes off you. To be exact, the sunlight suits your facial features so well that it seems impossible to ever let go of your sight.

You have been friends since he met you on that day exactly 6 years ago, when you tried to steal a load of food for a heavy pregnant woman. Since then, he was captivated by your beauty, your brain, your skills. But somehow, this makes the stinging fact that you sit beside him even worse.

“You shouldn’t be here, (y/n)”, he speaks out before he’s able to stop himself.

Immediately, your gaze drifts away from the dreamy scenery to him, eyes widen in surprise.

“What are you talking about, Levi?”

Don’t say his name while looking at him like that, not with that gentle tone in your angelic voice. He told himself over and over that you are nothing but a close friend, maybe considered family like Isabel and Farlan.

He huffs to himself. What a filthy little lie.

“This mission is dangerous. I don’t want you to get-“

“Hurt? Killed? You told me about all those things more than once and I’m happy to repeat myself again for you: I will not leave you, Farlan’s and Isabel’s side. After all, we are friends, right? And friends don’t leave each other behind.”

You gift him with your usual breath-taking smile while his heart skips a beat.

A friend.

He has to remind himself over and over again, force his orbs away from you. You are nothing but friends. And he will never risk to lose you over the potential of something more.

-the evening before the mission-

“I thought I’d find you here”, your teasing voice shouts from behind.

You are probably the last thing he wants to see this evening. Not because he doesn’t enjoy your company, but because he wasn’t able to convince you to stay in safety. Erwin Smith made it very clear that this mission is dangerous, that multiple survey corps member already died behind those walls. And even though you, Farlan and Isabel showed your skills countless times before, he can’t stop his train of thought. You, getting grabbed by a titan. You, getting ripped apart, your blood scattering onto the ground. He won’t have the chance to stay by your side during all times. One wrong movement, one thoughtless decision and you’d be gone.

“I don’t even have to ask in order to know what you’re thinking about right now, Levi.”

The second your hand brushes over his shoulder, he is too lost in the feeling of your bare hand against his shirt to worry any further.

“You don’t have to worry about Farlan, Isabel and me. After all, you’re the one who taught us everything we know.”

“Tsk. You were already doing fine when I met you.”

“But you were the one who showed me there is still hope, something worth fighting for. If it wasn’t for you, I would have died down there without ever seeing the sun once in my life”, you reply.

All of the sudden you place your hand on top of his and squeeze in gently. That look on your face, is it…Affection? He shakes his head firmly, doesn’t allow himself to get lost in that oh so sweet idea. A woman like you will never fall for a cold-hearted man like him, not when the whole squad fell head over heels for you the second they got to know you better. You are a true sweetheart, everyone’s favorite, a ray of sunshine. He, on the other hand, is none of that.

“Stop praising me or else I’ll puke and make a mess onto the freshly cleaned floor.”

No, he doesn’t deserve your kind word, doesn’t even deserve that spark in your eyes. You are better off without him, even as a friend.

“You’ll gonna clean it up anyway”, you bite back with a wide grin.

“Actually, there is something else I want to talk with you about, Levi.”

The sudden change in your voice paired with the warmth of your hand leaving his lets his gaze wander to yours again – only to catch you already staring.

“What is it?”, he questions instantly.

“If you have to decide between Isabel, Farlan and me…Just promise that you’ll safe them before even thinking about my ass. Please look after them and don’t worry about me.”

His eyes widen just the tiniest bit, reveal his surprise and…his resist. Not thinking about you, leaving you behind? The urge to shake you becomes almost unbearable when he grabs your arms passionately, gaze locking with yours.

“There is no way in hell I will ever leave you behind, dumbass. Don’t you dare to die on me, got it?”

“Promise”, you urge.

“Promise you’ll look out for them first.”

“(y/n)…”

He has to close his eyes in order to stop staring at your perfect lips. This might be the last time he ever sees you alive so unbothered by his side, the last time he witnesses the way the dim moonlight lights up your hair.

This…might be your last night alive.

“Please, I can’t live with the thought of being without them. They are still so young.”

“What about you, though? What if I don’t want to live a life without you? What if I die myself?”

You smile at him sadly, your hand caressing his cheek oh so gently.

“We all know you won’t die out there, Levi. It’s us who might not be here with you tomorrow. After all, that’s why you wanted to stop us from coming with you, right?”

He swallows hard. Every single one of you is a skilled fighter. Hell, you even survived the underground with countless enemies chasing after you. But this? This is something completely different. For the first time since getting to know all of you, Levi isn’t so sure about your abilities anymore.

“I promise”, he replies with low voice.

“Thank you”, you breathe out.

“Now, let’s get some sleep, shall we? We have a big fight ahead of us.”

Oh, there is no doubt in the fact that Levi won’t close his eyes this whole cursed night, pondering about a way to safe all of you. But even though you are very aware of that, you turn on your heel and smile at him one last time.

The brightest smile of them all, making your face gleam in nothing but affection.

“Oh, and Levi?”

“What is it, dumbass?”

“When I was talking about the sun earlier…That sun was you.”

And then you’re gone in the dark, leaving him with his heart almost beating out of his chest and feelings clustered all over the place.

Him, your sun?

-the battle-

Your eyes widen in sheer horror, the violent scream escaping your lips not reaching your ringing ears. Those powerful orbs…There is no doubt in the fact that this is her, that this is Isabel. Tears stream down your face uncontrollably, mix with the bitter coat of rain that sticks to your face uncomfortably.

Your friend is dead. And you were not able to protect her.

“You.”

The monster standing in front of you doesn’t look like the other titans you’ve seen before. Eyes red like crimson, lips curved into an evil grin. This thing is absolutely aware of the agony it causes you and enjoys every tear you cry.

You grab your blades even tighter, narrow eyes fixating its nape.

“I will make you suffer”, you press out through gritted teeth.

“I will make you regret that you even touched her!”

You dash forward only to get greeted by thin air. Fuck, this thing is so fast you didn’t even realize it was gone until your blade crashed into the muddy ground. Why do your hands suddenly start shaking, your knees felling weak? It’s just you and that thing. The other corps members around you? Scuttered onto the floor in bloody pieces.

Levi?

You escape its clutches by a hair’s breadth, the monster’s stinging smell of death and rotten flesh making your guts turn. You need to focus, need to control your fear and anger. Otherwise, you’ll die just like all the others did.

Levi…Is he dead as well? There is no one around, no one showed a single reaction to your multiple cries for help, your signs. Maybe you’re the only one who’s left. Which means that Farlan and Levi are gone.

Levi, gone? Fuck, you should have told him about your true feelings yesterday, you should have pressed your lips against his like you always dreamed about. This was the last opportunity to tell him how much you love him before both of you die.

And now it will be forever too late.

Just when you’re about to dash forward, the arm of the titan yanks towards you with breath-taking speed. Your eyes widen in sheer horror as all you can do is stare in sheer disbelief.

Is this how you will die? Through the hand of an abnormal titan, eating you alive?

You always dreamed of a life on the surface with Levi by your side. Maybe a small cottage on the edge of a busy city close to a river. Having a little farm with a few animals here and there, Levi working for a local business while you stay home and care for your home. For a brief moment, you allow your eyes to rest, to get lost in the life you will never have.

If only you had told him sooner. Maybe then it would have been different. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel your bones crack against the sheer force of the titan’s flat palm, throwing you into the air like a ball.

As soon as your body hits the ground, everything goes black.

-5 years later-

He opens his eyes against the way too harsh sunlight. Another night he hasn’t slept more than 2 hours. Day 1869 of missing you.

“Good morning, Captain Levi!”

He doesn’t even care to reply, feet carrying him down the hallway monotone. His days have always been the same since the day he lost Isabel, Farlan and you: Getting haunted in his sleep, waking up alone, surviving another day in this living hell. It’s almost ironic, how he already hated the world when you were in it. Little did he know how much worse it would get when you’re gone.

There is no day since back then that doesn’t revolve around you. You, with your hair down in the sun. You, beating up some tuff guys and showing them their place. You, that fucking cursed night before you had to leave.

Until this day, he hates himself for not being there. By the time he arrived, everyone was dead, brutally murdered by an abnormal titan. And even after searching for your corpse for hours in the pouring rain, he didn’t even manage to find a single limb left of you. This should be a good sign. After all, it might mean that you somehow managed to survive.

“The chances of (y/n) surviving and managing to flee on her own are 1 against 500.000”, Erwin said back then.

Maybe it would have actually felt better, knowing that you’re dead. Maybe this would spare him from getting haunted by your giggling and fucking gorgeous face each and every night.

But…If getting haunted by your presence is all he has left, he shouldn’t complain about it.

“We are heading out today. It is said that there are countless abnormal titans roaming around a city nearby”, Erwin explains briefly.

“How the fuck did these things even manage to get in there?”, Levi grumbles in response while taking a sip of his way too hot tea.

“That’s not what I care about. What I’m more interested in is the fact that a group of villagers managed to trap one of them.”

Levi can’t help but put his cup of tea down while Hange bursts out in sheer excitement next to him. A group of villagers, trapping an abnormal titan?

“Former corps members?”, he questions.

“Apparently not. Maybe they are interested in a new job”, Erwin replies, getting up from his seat and straightening his uniform.

“We are leaving right now.”

“Right now? Over some brats who were lucky to not get eaten by that titan?”

“You can’t deny that these ‘brats’ have to be skilled in order to trap an abnormal titan, Levi.  Also, I heard the head of them is a woman.”

Levi huffs to himself. Skilled, huh? Lucky is definitely the better fit.

You sink your blade straight into the eye of the disgusting creature lying in front of you, watch in sheer satisfaction how it squeals underneath.

“Hope you enjoy that as much as I do”, you mumble, twisting and turning your sword painfully slow.

“(y/n), d-don’t you think that’s enough? What if it escapes?”, the man next to you cries out, holding safe distance between himself and the abnormal.

“So what? Listen, you little shit. If you even try to escape, I will kill you without even blinking, got it?”

You rip your blade out. In, out, in, out until everything around you is covered in crimson.

Just like back then.

You stumble back when a wave of nausea hits you. The sight of Isabel’s lifeless head, her limbs scattered across the muddy floor. Back then, you weren’t able to save her, weren’t even able to save yourself. If it wasn’t for your crew, you’d be dead by now. Just like her…

“Hey.”

“How about you take a break for a sec? You’re drifting off again.”

Her gently voice pulls you out of your nightmare just like her tender touch. Petra has been the greatest support since that fateful day. In fact, the only reason you are still alive is her. When she found you, you were already on the brink of death. Only due to her passionate and long-term care, you learned how to walk again, learned how to fight again.

“Sorry”, you mumble, allowing yourself to rest for a moment against her strong shoulder.

“(y/n), I’m sorry to interrupt you like this but…We spotted members of the survey corps?”

“The survey corps?”, you repeat in sheer disbelief.

Rage starts flooding your veins in an instant, forcing you to pick up your blade again. If there’s one thing you will never forgive the survey corps for, it’s the fact that they left you standing in the rain. The countless people who died with the wings of faith embroidered onto their jackets, eaten alive by a titan while your desperate cries for help remained unanswered until this day. For Erwin Smith, you were nothing but canon fodder, nothing but a bait. And you will forever hate him over the fact that he is partly responsible for the death of Isabel, Farlan and Levi.

You storm in the direction your scout sighted them, jumping from tree to tree in order to catch them by surprise. You will definitely not tolerate survey corps members around your area, especially when you just caught an abnormal titan to study and torture.

“There they are.”

Their disgusting green cloaks fill you with thick anger, almost force you onto the ground to knock every single one of them out. But you know all too well this isn’t the way to go. No, you will wait here until the right time comes to throw yourself at their captain.

There are five of them, walking towards the direction of your village. Just wait a few more seconds until the one who walks ahead is underneath you, one second and you…

You lunge yourself at the person with full speed, forcing them to the ground. Him, to be exact. That firm chest exposes all too urgently that you just attacked a man.

“Are you out of your goddamn mind, brat?”, he barks at you, rough hands grabbing your wrists so tightly that your bones threaten to shatter.

You aren’t able to defend yourself, though.

That voice, the way he called you brat.

Is it really possible that…

You allow your eyes to look up at him and for a moment, time seems to stand still.

“Levi.”

You breathe his name out like a prayer, as if your dream might become reality. These grey and unbothered eyes look just like you remember his, the dark hair framing his face oh so perfectly.

“Levi, is that you?”

He can’t comprehend his feelings. Just a second ago, he was under attack of a stranger. But your eyes aren’t foreign. They hold the spark he dreams of each and every night, the memory he cares about so deeply. Is it really possible, that…

“(y/n).”

Everyone was so sure that you died on the battlefield, that the titan must have eaten you alive without leaving any remains. But maybe there was nothing to remain. Maybe you actually did manage to survive. Is it possible? Is this really you?

“I thought you died.”

Your voice is nothing but a fade away whisper, tears streaming down your usual so composed face like rivers when your memories begin to crash down on you like a house of cards. All those years, you were convinced Levi lost his life on this battlefield as well, that you were the only one remaining. But now you’re sitting on top of him, taking in his clean scent while he glares at you the way he used to.

“Everyone tried to convince me that that fucking abnormal ate you back then, that there is no chance you survived. Now look at you, dumbass”, he breathes out, very own eyes now coated in a thin layer of glimmering tears.

There is no time to waste. With a swift motion, you lunge yourself at him again, wrap your arms around his strong torso as if your life depends on it while resting your head against his chest and crying your heart out.

Words will always fail to express how much you missed him, that you thought about him each and every night since the day he was taken away from you so roughly. But now, you will never let him go again. Now you won’t waste another opportunity to tell him how you really feel.

“I love you, Levi. I loved you since our days in the underground city, I loved you through all these horrible years of grief. I love you. I love you”, you finally blurt out.

“I love you too, (y/n). I always did.”

Gently, he rests his hand against your nape while lifting your chin up with the other.

The second your lips meet, your world feels complete for the first time. All the pain, the grief, the things you had to endure. The countless nights of imagining him right by your side, the thought of never seeing him again. And now he’s here, right in your arms while kissing you so passionately that you fail to breathe.

“I love you”, he repeats so softly that your heart melts away like butter.

“I love you…”

“I finally found my sun again”, you smile against his lips.

You snuggle yourself onto him even tighter, your grip around his torso firm. Oh, you will definitely never let this man go again. Not after it took both of you so many years to meet again, not when he’s all you ever wanted.

Levi Ackerman, the love of your life.  

“Who’s that woman throwing herself at you from a tree and then getting a smooch from you?”

“Shut up, shitty four-eyes”, Levi barks at the person standing behind him.

Tags:

@hellkaiserinphoenix  @chilichopsticks @ynackerman9499 @keepghostly @beatrexworld

@froufrousnowman @hidazinie @tomiokathedepresso  @chaoticwinnercupcake @lees-chaotic-brain (hope you noticed I actually named reader's bestie after you babe) @polarbvnny @kentocalls @kayleegomez

First divider by wonderful @cafekitsune - check out the banner I used here!

Second one as usual from the best @saradika-graphics - I worship the ground you walk on honey

[russellsppttemplates]

Max teasing graphic designer!reader and Lando because it took them so long to admit they liked eachother

"And the worst thing is that he was so obvious about it and you didn't see any of it!", Max yelled as the four of you sat in the gaming room, you and Pietra spending most of the stream talking to eachother and keeping away from the camera, but your social understanding abilities were being questioned and you had to defend yourself.

"It wasn't that bad, Max", you tried to reason as Lando adjusted your body on his lap, kissing your shoulder before looking at his bestfriend.

"Lando couldn't care less about the accounting as much as he's concerned that Quadrant doesn't go bankrupt, it's as simple as that", Max stated as your boyfriend nodded before he hid his face on your neck, knowing the story he was bringing up, "Lando was not planning to attend the finance and budget meeting, but when you asked if you could be there because you were curious about how it all worked, that guy was the first to go to the meeting room and make sure everyone else sat together and you could sit right in front of him and in the meeting, he started talking about percentages and tax names he had never even heard of before - why's that? Because he wanted to impress you, Y/N!", Max concluded.

"No - c'mon, you're exaggerating", you looked at Max before noticing your boyfriend's blushed cheeks, "really, Lan?", you wondered.

"From the beggining, I knew you wouldn't be swooned by flashy dates or fancy gifts, so I had to really show you I was serious about you and, I don't know, like I was someone worth your interest? You can't imagine rollercoaster of emotions I felt in that meeting, I was so confident at the start and by the time you suggested something about a system I don't remember, I was ready to curl up and cry because I thought I didn't have a shot with you", Lando pouted.

"It's true, Y/N - he went home with Max that day while I was there and he was having a full on meltdown", Pietra complimented the story, "what was it you said? Oh I remember - he was slumped over the sofa like this", he mimicked, "and he was going on about how you'd never look at him the way he looked at you and that he was miserable - he actually said he was miserable", she chuckled.

You gasped at the information before turning around to face your boyfriend, looking for his eyes as he whispered "It's true" before you cupped his handsome face in your hands, "Oh, baby, little did you know I was falling for you by then", you cooed, "I didn't think you'd feel like that for me, though - you could have anyone you wanted and I didn't think Quadrant's most recent hire for the graphic design team would be on your radar", you shrugged your shoulders, kissing his pout, "I wouldn't say I was miserable", you giggled, "but I was quite sad and just tried my best to not show it", it was your turn to blush.

Max cackled loudly as his girlfriend followed along, "Y/N! You had to sew the button on his shirt and I have never ever been in a room with so much tension - you were eating him with your eyes! And your hands were so shaky I was worried you'd poke him! And that time where Lando helped a mother with her child - do you remember? The little one was so fussy and Lando asked if she wanted him to rock the buggy because she needed to take something from her bag! You, Y/N, you looked at him like he was the love of your life, that moment you were not hiding it!", he reasoned.

"Seems we were not as subtle as we thought we were", Lando chuckled, kissing your cheek and pulling you closet to him, "chat also seems to agree that we were pining for eachother for a while, someone says the friendship bracelets video - guys, that was an easy one, why do you think I wanted to do that video so much?", your boyfriend joked as you flicked his ear.

"You said you liked them", you mumbled on his ear, "not as much as I liked getting a proper sniff of your perfume, pretty girl".

(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)

[improbable-outset]

📂 𝐑𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧 𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

↳ 📂 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐈𝐈: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 "𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡"

{{Part 2}}

Miguel O’Hara x Fem!Reader

𝐀𝐎3 | 𝐌𝐲 𝐖𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬 | 𝐒𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4.4k (that wasn’t supposed to happen icl)

𝐓𝐖 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐂𝐖: Kissing, PIV sex, unprotected sex, hair pulling, virginal fingering, cum eating, oral (m and f receiving), prone bone position (sorry bruh, very self indulgent here 💀), Olfactophilia, slight jealous Miguel (if you squint), Spanish pet names. MINORS DNI🔞🔞

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Miguel unveils more about his enhanced abilities with you and the air is quickly charged with desire. Yet lurking beneath your connection, there is a sense of uncertainty about the implications of Miguel’s extraordinary powers.

𝐀/𝐍: The chapter title sounded more amusing in my head. I didn’t think this one would turn out this long, I went a little overboard. I had to break down the paragraphs bc I got carried away ;-; anyways hope you enjoy this filth <3

You turned the key and pushed open the door to your apartment with a mix of anticipation and thrill erupting inside your gut. Tonight had been a rollercoaster of emotions, and was very eventful. Despite Miguel’s huge confession that came crashing down on you like a bolder, the night still ended well.

Though, the thought of him being Spider-Man still lingered at the back of your mind and you couldn’t shake off the feeling of your ex-husband being a human mutate the entire time. Yet you still welcomed him inside the familiar confines of your home with a warm gracious smile, the door closing with a soft click behind. In the warm glow of your apartment, you made your way to the walk-in kitchen.

“Can I get you something to drink?” You asked, glancing back at Miguel as you placed your purse on the countertop.

“A glass of water would be perfect.” He replied, taking in the surroundings of your home. You were amused by the awe in his expression as you filled two glasses with cold water from your tap.

“Here,” you handed him one of the glasses.

“Thanks” he took slow sips while his gaze explored the connected living room. Your talent for interior design hadn’t gone unnoticed, even during your early days of your marriage when you both moved in together. You would always have a plan on how things would be arranged, and with a bit of trial and error, it usually turned out beautifully. Miguel, on the other hand, left the planning all to you while he would make sure you were still fed after your hard work.

It was a distinctive dynamic you had. Miguel would always make the best dishes from back home and you adored and savoured every bite. You even tried to make empanadas for him once as a surprise anniversary gift back when your relationship was still filled with warmth and closure before you grew distant from each other with him always coming home late at night, probably from his heroic duties that you were clueless about at the time. After you went your separate ways, you would try to replicate his dishes but it would only bring you pain of what you had lost. Speaking of food…

“That baked ziti was amazing.” You commented as you took another sip. It’s been a while since you went out to eat in a high end restaurant. There was never a special occasion or an excuse for you to go.

“Was the food the only thing you enjoyed tonight?” Miguel replied in a teasing tone. You watched his face over the rim of your own glass as he said that.

“The night hasn’t ended just yet.”

“Oh? Care to elaborate on that?” He responded, clearly intrigued. You didn’t give him a verbal answer, instead you put your empty glass down on the counter and took his hand, leading him down the hall and to your bedroom. The anticipation settled in the air as you settled yourself on the bed and gestured for Miguel to follow.

“We’ve got all night. So you might as well tell me everything about Spider-Man, all the details.” You purred, your gaze locked into his with excitement.

“What do you want to know?” He lied beside you in amusement and willingness.

“First of all, what was the first thing you noticed when your genes were altered?”

“You want to get to those details hm? Well, the first thing I noticed was my vision was enhanced, a lot. Along with my strength and stamina. Oh, and the spinnerets in my forearm.”

You hummed in amusement as you soaked in every word he uttered. You couldn’t believe this was where things had ended up between the two of you but you also couldn’t help but marvel at how far you’ve come. “Well, look at you. Brawn and brains. What else is there?” You noticed he was hesitant for a moment before he spoke again.

“I'm sure you’ve seen my fangs at one point.” Your body stiffened as you recalled those awful memories of your heated arguments. What you saw from his mouth was real. A hint of relief washed over you knowing that you haven’t lost your mind and Miguel had confirmed it himself.

“I have…and I thought I was just hallucinating.” Your voice trailed off.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t blame you. I should’ve been honest from the start.”

“It’s alright, we’re starting something new now.”— you paused— “So what else haven’t you shown me.” You watched as he lifted his hand and you noticed something unusual emerging from his fingers. You audibly gasped at the sight of his talons. He brought his hand closer to your face so you could get a closer look. It didn’t occur to you how intimately close you were until now, yet there was an undeniable thrill in his proximity. Maybe it was a default habit in your mind that was convincing you that you were still comfortable with Miguel being this close.

With agonising anticipation, he lightly trailed your jaw with the tip of his talons, leaving a tingling feeling in its wake. Your breath hitched, feeling how sharp and pointy they were on your soft skin. If he were to press any harder, he would surely pierce your jaw. Not that you were entirely against that; but you didn’t want to raise any suspicions at work the following Monday, especially in a facility like Alchemax. His face was mere inches from yours and you knew where he was heading with this. The air in the room thickened with each passing second.

“You want to see more?” He asked, his voice lowered to a sultry tone. You nodded, unable to form any words.

Miguel leaned in and closed the remaining gap between the two of you. Finally, you managed to seal your longing with an electrifying connection and a scorching kiss. His lips moved against yours passionately making your heart pound in your chest. Miguel must’ve retracted his talons because now he was cradling your face as your mouth moved in sync. However, you pulled away abruptly when you felt a sudden shift in the air.

“My God…” you mumbled, feeling the familiar bugle in his pants.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to get ahead of myself.” He said, though the strained desire in his voice was palpable. “I mean, you’re not on birth control, right?” He held his gaze at you. You could practically feel the desperation in his tone.

“No…” You leaned closer, “but I might’ve got myself the morning after pill from the drug store before this.” You were planning for this moment the day you asked him out and the way his expression dropped, you could tell he picked up on that too. You got them prior to this date and the rest of the night you spend trying to please yourself before your date while imagining yourself with Miguel in bed together. But you knew no matter how much you touched yourself, you’d never reach the sensation that Miguel could give you.

A sly smile played on your lips before you leaned in for another kiss. His arm snaked around your waist and pulled down the zipper at the back of your dress. Once it reached all the way he let the dress pool around you before tossing it to the side. He left trails of wet kisses around your jaw and down your neck, however you had other things in mind. You attempted to reach for his clothed cock as he kept kissing you and gave it a desperate squeeze, making him pull away immediately from your neck.

“That needy, huh?” He retreated off of you and removed his shirt before his pants along with his boxers— his cock springing out in its full glory. You didn’t expect him to stay at the edge of your bed and lean back slightly with his cock still standing on its end. You shifted yourself so you were now on your knees. Suddenly, you felt his hand combed your scalp before grabbing a fistful of your hair, pulling you close. “Don't just stare at it, cariño,” he tugged at you and brought your face closer to his crotch.

“Since when were you in charge?” You quipped, wrapping your hand around the length and swiped your thumb over the pre-cum that was already leaking from the tip.

“The second I realised how bad you want this by getting yourself the morning after pill. Now get to work.” You didn’t expect him to catch you off guard like that, let alone even give you an answer to your rhetorical question but now you could feel your mouth getting dry. Did he know how much of an impact he had on you with his words?

“You better not make a mess on my bed.” You joked but there was a hint of seriousness in your tone. Though you wanted Miguel to leave a mark in your bedroom the morning after, the last thing you wanted was a stained sheet to deal with.

“You realise that means you’re gonna have to swallow, right?” He cocked his brow. You knew he was right and you didn’t have anything against that. If it were anyone else you wouldn’t agree to do it at all, you wouldn’t even let them touch your hair like this; they could just fuck you and leave. But you wanted the night to last with Miguel so you’d do anything it’ll take.

The strong scent coming from his crotch mixed with the faint smell of his sweat was dizzying and ignited a fire deep in your gut. That might be the pheromones doing that. You planted small kisses on the surface as his cock twitched with anticipation and desperate to be squeezed. The stifled groan you heard from his throat made your cunt throb a little and coaxed you to keep at it.

Slowly, you wrapped your lips around the tip and took his length in his mouth. You tried to avoid scraping your teeth on the skin so you wouldn’t cause him any discomfort— given the fact that his girth was taking up a lot of space in your mouth, it was difficult. You still remember the first time you sucked him off on your wedding night and he specifically told you not to do that. His length rubbed against your upper palate while your tongue wrapped around its surface. It was taking up your whole mouth and you struggled to maintain a steady rhythm while giving it some friction. It wasn’t the most pleasurable experience having your mouth full to the point where he was almost touching your gullet, but watching his reaction made it all worth it. You kept your focus on his moans and the pleasurable sound of your name on his lips. His lascivious noises were for you and only you and encouraged you to keep your pace.

That’s it, that’s it. Let me hear you.

You noticed the muscles on his thighs clenching now. It was all familiar to you, the way his body would react when he was close to his peak. Before you knew it, you could taste the ropes of his warm jizz spilling from his cock. However, you forgot how much this man could come and you bit off more than you could chew, throwing you completely off guard. Your mouth was starting to fill up more as he released and his cum was beginning to leak down your chin— your eyes watered from the intensity and you had to pull away so you wouldn’t choke. His cock was now slick from a mix of your saliva and his remaining cum. You felt his thumb wiping your mouth before he lifted your head up to look at him.

“You okay?” His voice was still hazy and eyes still half-lidded.

“Yeah…just forgot how intense you can be.” You answered, still trying to stabilise yourself.

“Let me make you feel good then.” He gestured for you to lay down on the bed. You complied and you watched how his hands reached for your panties. His thick fingers hooked on the loop before pulling them off completely. The feeling of the open air hitting your drenched cunt, that was trapped in your panties for so long, made you shiver. His index finger rubbed against the folds first. You could hear the slick sound of yourself as he kept rubbing you. Without warning he inserted his finger in your gaping hole leaving you squirming under him. His fingers were big, so big, and though you have felt them before, your body was still not prepared for the sensation.

You gulped when his finger was fully inserted with the heel of his palm pressed against the sensitive bud. He pulled out and started pumping his digit while curling them inside you. Your breathing became more shallow as he continued finger-fucking you. Part of you wondered how it would feel if he used his talons inside you. But you didn’t want to risk anything. Things were getting so good. You tensed when you felt another one of his thick fingers being pushed inside you and you couldn’t control the whine that came out of your mouth and the way your body convulsed.

The knot inside your stomach snapped as your walls clenched hard before spilling everything. He pulled out his fingers and stuck them near your mouth, his eyes instructing you to open. You did and started sucking on his coated digit, the mix of his salty cum mixed with yours on your taste buds. You released his fingers and he plunged them back in your hole. Even with them being coated in your spit, it was still dizzying taking in his fingers, especially now that your cunt was swollen from your release— it felt a little sore this time around but the pain was easy to subside with his palm nudging on your clit.

“Come on cariño, I know you can come on my finger again.” You knew there was no point protesting. Once he had his mind fixed on doing something, he would do everything in his power to get it done. It was another thing you loved about this man. “Can those other men you had flings with make you come with just their fingers?” Ah, of course he remembered you saying that. You wondered what was going through his head when you told him. Was he jealous? Maybe he wanted to claim you again? “Tell me, cariño” You didn’t say anything to him directly but it didn’t take long for your body to spasm again and your cunt gushed with another orgasm. That was all he needed to satisfy his query. You were a panting mess by the time he pulled his fingers out of you again.

You still had enough strength to register and watch what he was doing next. He left wet kisses around your stomach and licked the exposed skin. He lowered himself around your crotch and sent trails of kisses around your inner thigh before getting to your swollen core, still dripping from your last release.

“Miguel…” you breathed, still trying to maintain your composure.

“You thought I was going to give you my cock after that?” His breath brushed against your eager cunt that was still clenching onto nothing. He was definitely doing that on purpose. “You scratched my back so I’ll scratch yours. That’s how it’s always been with us, remember? I saw how you were struggling so I thought I’d reward you for your work.” Sweet fuck, you loved this man. You chewed on your lower lip to suppress your pathetic moan. The look he was giving you between your legs only made your cunt pulsate more and your walls desperate for some friction.

All those other men you had flings with were never too focused on getting you to come. They only used the sex as a stress reliever and just wanted to reach their own climax so they could fill you up. But you never complained though, in truth, you just wanted to feel another man’s touch. Since there were no strings attached and you weren’t committing to any of them, you felt like they didn’t owe you anything like that. You thought to yourself that things will be easier for your heart to handle this way since you weren’t expected to get hurt. Your mind was so fogged with that idea, you forgot what it felt like having someone care for your needs too.

He started off with licking your folds in aching slow motion, getting you riled up. Your hands immediately reached for his hair and laced your fingers through the locks, letting out a shaking breath of approval when you felt him sucking on your sensitive bud. His mouth was giving you a better sensation on your clit than his palm, that only just barely brushed against it. He pulled away momentarily and you could see your mess glistening around his lips.

Then you saw it, his fangs emerging making your heart quicken in your chest before he dived in again, fully connecting his mouth onto your core. The sudden contact made your legs enclose around him in reflex. He lapped his tongue over the folds all while gently scraping his fangs over the sensitive areas. He was careful with his movements not to dig his canines too deep to cause any pain. It was a new feeling you’ve never felt before and you knew you’d never experience it with anyone else. Every juice leaked from your core was eagerly licked by him.

You attempted to grind your sex against his face to get some sort of friction from his tongue but his strong grip on your hips planted you on the mattress. That still didn’t stop you from squirming under him though. Your mind started to cloud with bliss and all you could focus on was his tongue movement and the feeling of his fangs grazing on your skin. He watched your reaction between your thighs as your mouth hung open. You couldn’t see his full face but through the looks of his eyes, you could tell he was giving you a smug expression as he ate up your reaction to his touches like a famished man.

You could feel your senses firing again as the heat was building up in your core. His tongue started lapping faster and flickering deeper into your cunt and you couldn’t take it anymore. Your back arched against the bed and with a desperate cry, you finally unraveled again, everything that squirted from your pussy was quickly licked off from his tongue. As he pulled away, there was a line of saliva that connected your folds with his lips that he wiped away with the back of his hand. He lapped over his fangs too that were also coated from your fresh release. He leaned into your face again and kissed you lightly. You tasted and smelled the bittersweet of yourself from his mouth as he went to suck on your lower lip.

Next thing you knew, you were gently pushing and flipped over on the bed, ass up. He had better access to your hair now and it’ll be easier to take him in this position. He held onto your back, guiding his cock through your rear. He braced himself before he made his entrance slowly. You could still taste him and yourself on the base of your tongue and you knew his cock was still coated in your saliva making it easier to squeeze between your folds. Your walls caressed every inch of him as he pushed further and further into you.

You could hear and feel the suction from yourself that gripped around his length as he pulled back only to shove himself back in again. As he did, you could feel your clit rubbing against the sheets beneath you with each force from his thrusts. The bed screeched in protest as he rolled his hips into you, forcing it to move up and down. His rhythm became more sporadic like all that pent up energy was poured into one night while your head was buried into the pillow, muffling the noise building up in your throat. You were truly helpless under him, his frame was completely enclosing over you so you were rooted on the bed being shoved into the mattress over and over again from his thrusts. Blood could be heard rushing in your ear and every pulse in your system was throbbing.

Miguel, what have you done to me? What the fuck have you done to me?!

Each thrust was more intense than the last, forcing you deeper into the sheets. You couldn’t control the noises that were coming out of your mouth now as he was desperately trying to chase the high he could only get from you and the way you were squeezing him in all the right places. You felt his fingers combing through your hair again before he tugged gently, but firmly enough to force you head up from the pillow to look at him. The red hue on his eyes were glowing against the low lighting in your bedroom as he continued to plunge himself into you.

“Talk to me…who fucks you good?” He spoke over your shoulder and over the sound of the bed creaking, his breath fanning over your ear. You caught a glimpse of his fangs as he grinned at you and you allowed yourself to be drowned by the richness of his voice. He must’ve recognised that you couldn’t form anything coherent from your mouth so he slowed down his pace to give you a chance to talk.

“You…” Was all you could muster before you slipped out another moan from your lips. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak, let alone form a cognitive thought in your head.

“Say my name, querida.” He commanded, giving one strong thrust that caught you by surprise.

“You, Miguel. It’s you-!” You gasped, the sound of your own voice was sounding foreign to you. No one had ever managed that out of you. He released your hair and your head dropped back on the pillow, no longer having the strength to hold yourself up. Out of all the times you’ve been fucked on your bed, this was by far the loudest you’ve been. The walls weren’t thin but you knew you’d still be getting noise complaints by the neighbours not just from your moans but with the repeated sounds of the headboard knocking against the wall. But that wasn’t in your mind right now. Every thought was slowly melting away from your brain, even your consciousness of your surroundings as he kept fucking you. It was like every other room in the building and everyone else in the apartment didn’t exist anymore— just you and him. You couldn’t see him but the sweat building up on his skin was giving off a subtle distinguishable smell and was causing his body to stick to yours as he kept on going.

He’s close, he’s close, he’s close.

Through your teary vision, you noticed him gripping onto your headboard as leverage before going deeper inside you. There it was, you could feel his release reaching every crevice and surface area inside as his body trembled from his strong climax. The rush of his hot release made you cry out his name before he took his time to pull out. Even with him releasing his cum deep inside you, there was still some leaking out through your folds.

You felt Miguel’s torso and your back sticking together with your sweat as he took his time to lift himself off of you. Lifting your head up from the pillow, you turned to see him leaving the room, his footsteps echoed in your, now, quiet apartment. You took this time to shift and turn your body around, the sheets were slightly damp under you. Your legs were still shaking from his rough thrusts and climax. Your senses were slowly coming back to you and the pulse in your ear was slowing down. The sound of the faucet could be heard from your kitchen as Miguel filled up a glass before his footsteps could be heard again as he approached you with a glass of water.

“Thought you might need this…” He handed you the glass. With shaking hands, you took the cold glass.

“Thank you.” You downed the water in one go, feeling the coolness down your throat before placing the empty glass on the nightstand.

“Do you want to get cleaned up?” Miguel asked. Your legs were still sticky from his cum and your sweat but you weren’t worried about that.

“In a bit, let me just hold you for a second, please.” Miguel climbed into bed and lied beside you. He wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you closer. His warmth enveloped you and you through us swirled in a mixture of emotions. The passion you've just shared with him is still palpable with the smell of sweat and fresh sex woven in the air. Your finger fiddled with Miguel’s collar bone before you cradled his jaw. Your heart was still going haywire even as the intimacy was starting to settle down between the two of you. Your gaze shifted to his own and your mind started to wander. You thought about the future and even started a family you’ve longed for with Miguel but didn’t dare to dream about until now.

“Miguel…do you ever think about having children?” You whispered, too afraid to break the peaceful silence.

“I do…is that what you want mi amor?” He murmured. Mi amor? You gulped.

“Yes but…with your Spider DNA, what if our children inherit them too. I want them to live a normal life but what if they face the same dangers you do? What if I won’t be able to handle it?” You confessed. Miguel caressed your cheek and tucked a lock of hair behind your ear before he spoke.

“I understand your worries, but we can’t let fear hold us back. I promise to protect you and them and I’ll try to be the best father and possibly the best husband too.” He reassured you. Amidst the doubts and uncertainty, there was still an undeniable warmth. The idea of raising a family with him felt like a second chance at happiness. You’ve both faced so much and you’ve overcome them. Perhaps you could both navigate the challenges of parenthood too. One step at a time.

“Thank you, Miguel. I think we should get in the shower to clean up now, don’t you?”

He smiled.

“You’re right. But first, don’t forget to take the pill…”

Part 4 🔞🔞

[anchoeritic]

Jake sully pregnancy anything !!! Please . I NEED DILF JAKE

your habits jake learned to grow used to after you became pregnant with his child:

• constant need for cuddles / physical touch. your number one love language is cuddles, second is probably acts of service. it can vary from time to time.

• it didn’t matter what time of day it was, where you were sitting or standing, you always needed to feel him in one way or another. you tend to hold his hands a lot more when you’re in public rather than hugging onto him though. you knew the clan wouldn’t mind but it’s much more personal.

• jake smiles to himself when he feels your hand slip into his, your fingers intertwining gently. your hands were smaller than his so it felt like he was melting your hands but you loved that. the warmth of your mate could never steer you away, only drag you closer to him.

• another habit jake got used to, the emotional rollercoasters you would go on because of your hormones. it would happen almost all the time and only he knew how to deal with it.

• being more emotional can also lead to becoming more anxious: as jake calls it, you can be a little over the edge sometimes. refusing to

• sometimes you’d wake up crying in jake’s arms, using him as a shield to shy away. it would work out pretty well because you’ll usually be met with kisses and breathy reassurances by your mate: “you’re okay, baby.” “i’m right here, don’t worry.”

• sobs. he is the cutest person to ever exist. literally the most wholesome in the entire universe.

• his favourite thing to do when you’re falling asleep is hum to you. he’s not a great singer, he knows that, but it took him time to realize that maybe you thought different.

• his singing is trash but you would never tell him that. you’d rather listen to his voice right as you fall asleep than listen to the crickets of silence and his heavy snores.

• so he likes to hum nursery rhymes or old songs that his friends would sing to him during his time as a marine and pet your hair, hoping the lil lovebug in your belly could hear the bonding of their parents. jake would do anything to make his loved ones happy.

• something else you picked up was a lot more gentle training, like yoga! preparing for birth was something unexpected so you had to get ready for it.

• jake would come back from his training to you in a warrior pose, it didn’t look close to the warrior poses he had to endure training with the clan, but he still joined you.

• pressing a kiss to your head as a quiet greeting, he’d get into position, following your voice as his commands. “let the wind flow through you, let it feel your emotions, let everything blow out,”

• let’s just say the session would be ruined by jake laughing at how you worded your sentences, finding them a lot dirtier than you did. “shut up.” “jeez, i’m sorry, honey!”

• little did he know, you’d be laughing under your breath too.. just a lil bit quieter than he did though so he wouldn’t notice.

• “you’re a child, jake.” you scolded him, moving down into a different position, feeling the stretch of your muscles. he chuckled, shaking his head. “how did you expect me not to laugh?” true.

• you began to become more of a motherly figure to the other children, trying to teach them the language of the sky people. you weren’t a teacher, but someone that was willing to share the world jake once set life on.

• from the nature around, you would weave them into small gifts, giving them to each of the children with a smile. those handmade gifts can vary from hats, bracelets, and even rings.

• your partner in crime was, you guessed it, jake. he would collect and you would weave. a two man job for a couple, this was light work.

• while taking care of the children from time to time, you developed a group meeting; called it a sharing circle. jake recommended it as a type of way to get closer to one another. each day, a couple of kids would talk about themselves like a show & tell, telling stories or just about their favourite hobbies.

• soon after, some of the adults would start to join, sitting beside their kids and listening to their stories. neytiri loved to talk about the history of toruk makto, creating tiny shadow figures with her hands to entertain the children.

• life wasn’t so easy on pandora but it was your homeland, you were surrounded by the people you loved, the mate of your dreams. you wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

[infinitegalahad]

AMERICAN PROMETHEUS AND HIS ATHENA - EPILOGUE

Pairing: J. Robert Oppenheimer x Female Indentifying! Reader Summary: Looking up at the chalkboard, you see him. He’s Dr.Oppenheimer, but to you, he’ll always be Robert or Oppie. Word Count: 2.7k Warnings: Warnings are very spoiler, so well...be warned! Cancer, death, alcoholism, mentions of suicide (not by main characters and is mentioned once at the end), and overall a very bittersweet ending. Beware! This is in fact sad! Notes: for real, the end? it's here. not going to lie, i did get a little emotional writing this. the epilogue is loosely inspired by american prometheus, which made me cry in it's epilogue, just as it is doing to me now. this story has been such a rollercoaster, and I've had an amazing time writing it. thank you all for the amazing support, you guys really rock. I'm starting school soo and I'll be busy, but I'll get back into writing once i find my routinr. i hope you can enjoy this conclusion, and as a warning, apologies in advance! I love you all very much, and thank you so much for all the love! Taglist: @forgottenpeakywriter @queenshelby @chloriine36 @kodzuvk @amanda08319 Taglist | Masterlist

Marriage Certificate

Jurisdiction: Charlottesville, Virginia

Certificate Number: MCS123456789

Date of Marriage: June 1st, 1955

This is to certify that on the aforementioned date, in accordance with the laws of the City of Charlottesville, the following individuals entered into marriage:

Groom:

Name: Julius Robert Oppenheimer

Date of Birth: April 22, 1904

Residence: 91 Olden Lane

Bride:

Name: (Y/n) (Y/m/n) (Y/l/n)

Date of Birth: (Y/dob), 1921

Residence: 105 Ivy Dr

Marriage Ceremony:

Date and Time: June 1st, 1955, at 5:00 PM

Officiant: Dr. Allen Hill

Title: Authorized Officiant

Witnesses:

Name: (y/b/n) (y/b/m/n) (y/l/n)

   Address: 10 Pennsylvania Avenue

Name: Hatomi Haruka Yamamoto-Bell

   Address: 600 Dittmar Oaks  

Under penalty of perjury, the undersigned parties declare that the information provided above is true and correct to the best of their knowledge.

Signatures:

_____________________________      _____________________________

Julius Robert Oppenheimer                (Y/n) (Y/m/n) (Y/L/N)

Groom's Signature                                     Bride's Signature

_____________________________

Dr. Allen Hill

Officiant's Signature

_____________________________      _____________________________

 (y/b/n) (y/b/m/n) (y/l/n)                              Hitomi Haruka Yamamoto-Bell

Witness's Signature                                Witness's Signature

Seal: City of Charlottesville, Virginia

–

You and Robert married the same day of your graduation at UVA on June 1st, 1955. You let your parents know about your marriage and plans to move to Princeton. It took them time to process that you married your Physics Professor, but they accepted it once they met Robert and were impressed. They also enjoyed that you were only a train ride away from the city of Princeton. 

Robert kept to his promise of no more games. He stayed loyal and steadfast and was honest and loving to you. He doted on and adored you, showering you with both affection and gifts. You had kept all of the gifts he had given you at Berkeley, occasionally using the new perfumes if you couldn’t look for all of the new floral scents Robert had bought for you. Despite you both being busy with your jobs at Princeton and the local private high school, you two found time for each other. 

Your time together reminded you of those Friday study sessions at Berkeley, where you were a young girl and Robert was your professor who had been struck by “one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen”. Robert had helped you become a woman, and despite how many times you and he tried to move, you always fell back to each other. 

With your newfound marriage, you and Robert could be in public together. Of course, there was scrutiny and controversy of the age gap and both of your involvement with the Manhattan project. Still, Robert could hold your hand, and you could lean on his shoulder. Sure, there stares, but those could easily be ignored. At the many lavish dinners you attend, Robert would put his hand on your hip and whisper into your ear nothing but sweet yet dirty thoughts. You’d look at all of the judgemental onlookers, and simply hugged Robert, brightly smiling at them. 

It was one of those nights. It was like your Friday nights, but extended; talking about the day full of academics, making a delicious dinner, cleaning up said dinner, fucking either by the fire or on the bed, and lazing in each other’s embrace. 

You had your back curled to Robert as he held you. That one night, he let go for a short second, before you felt a cold metal on your neck and the sound of a clink of a clasp. 

“I saw this, and it made me think of you and the Bhagavad Gita,” Robert explained as he moved your hair back forward, “Do you like it?”

The necklace was a short gold chain with a pendant of the seven Chakras. You run your hand hovering the expensive gold and gems inside, smiling to yourself. You turn to Robert and place a peck on his lips, admiring the beautiful necklace. 

“It’s beautiful, Robert. Thank you, thank you, thank you-”

You repeat this sentence over and over as you wrap your arms around his neck, throwing him down to the bed and decorating his body with kisses. Ultimately, the two of you end of lovemaking once again, and remind yourselves to rewash the sheets. Again. 

The next week, you are forced to rewash your sheets as Robert, per usual, fucks you after the University of Washington last minute declines his offer to speak at their commencement ceremony. Like old times, you claw your nails down his neck and scream his name until he finishes inside of you, making your belly feel all warm. You smile and hope, for once, there’s some good news for the future continuation of you and Robert.

It takes many tries, but on January 5th of 1958, you give birth to Thaïs Jackie Oppenheimer. She’s a healthy baby girl. You nearly died giving birth, but it was worth seeing her curl into Robert’s arms as if it were a natural instinct. Even as a child, she’s got the blue Oppenheimer’s eyes and your fiery personality. After Thaïs birth, you remained in the ICU for a while. In a window outside of your room, you would see Robert in the distance as he overlooked Thaïs bed, talking to her and promising her nothing but the world. In your recovering pain, it made you cry. 

Eventually, you returned back to work as a school-teacher, splitting your time with the au-pair while taking care of Thaïs. She’s a very vocal child, and like Robert, highly precocious. By the time she’s six, she can name every rock and flower in your garden by their scientific name. Not to mention, she can hold more basic conversation in Latin and Greek than you, thanks to Robert and his bedtime stories of Ancient Latin and Greek myths. 

Dinner is a family affair. As the three of you all cook, you find it hard to keep up with Robert and Thaïs’s long conversation that switches between Greek and Latin, ranging from what to next in meal prep, the rocks Thaïs’s collected at school today, and what toy Robert will buy her next if she behaves. You can follow the basics, but you smile and keep yourself, cooing and kissing your newborn baby boy, Elias. 

Each night, Robert worships you like you’re a goddess. As you read his book recommendations, he decorates your body with kisses and calls you his “temple”, thanking you for being the Athena to his Prometheus and giving him life. You could not be happier. 

But bliss is temporal, not everlasting. 

First, it’s the apparent hoarseness. Robert thinks it’s cold, but that’s until he’s coughing up blood two weeks later. Also, with the neck and ear pain, you grow worried, and unfortunately, your worst fears come to light. Robert’s heavy smoking did not help his case, and in late 1965, he was diagnosed with throat cancer. 

You had quit smoking a long time ago, long before the birth of your children, but Robert continued. Since you had met him, he had always been a smoker no matter what, falling from a cigarette pack to multiple pipes a day. The cancer is infectious and both of you know it’s in fact very bad, and it’s only going to continue to get worse but not fast, but slowly and painfully. Robert has a persistent cough in which he tries to hide from you and the children but fails to. His skin becomes as gray as his thinning hair, and he’s losing weight faster than you can count. 

After his diagnosis, there are many sleepless nights between you and Robert. You are both worried about each other in your own ways. One particular night, Robert sits on the edge of the bed. The bones in his back are visible, and you feel like you can see the bones in his back. He’s handsome, but so terribly sick all at once. Crawling from under the sheets, you quietly crawl toward him and hug him from behind. You sob into his shoulders, and he grabs your arms.

“Stop worrying,” He reassures you as he kisses your shaking palm, “You’ll be okay, love.”

“Robert, stop. It’s not about me. It’s about you,” You sob uncontrollably, “I’m scared, Robert. Not for you, for me.”

That night, Robert holds you and tells you that things will improve. He doesn’t promise it, though. 

In late 1966, Robert underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy, which were all unsuccessful. 

Robert has done so much for you and protected you from so much. Now, it’s your turn to do so. 

When he breaks the news that, realistically, he’s going to die within the next six months, you and his plan to bring Thaïs and Elias to Saint John. 

Robert can’t do the things he used to do. Robert is still as handsome as he always has been, but he’s more frail and sickly looking, a shell of the man he once was. The only thing he can do is spend time with you and his children, valuing his time, which is running out faster than he can count. He builds wooden lodges with houses with Elias, collects seashells and rocks with Elias, and lies in your lap as you read him all of the old books and Greek myths the two of you used to read together. 

Robert tries to make you a Martini one night, but he struggles in the kitchen. A glass drops and you run in, to find both of his hands shaking. He confesses to you that he can’t keep his hands still, and he can’t stop apologizing after. You smile, holding back tears, telling him it’s okay. 

You, Robert, and your family soon return to Princeton. At that time, you call and invite people who are close to you, Robert, so he gets the chance to say goodbye. Kitty and his children come by. They're as devastated as you are, but they thank you. Kitty, for the first time, cries in front of you, and says you have a beautiful family; thanking you for taking care of Robert. You break down in front of her, and Kitty hugs you. 

It’s clear that Robert’s in his final days of life. He can’t remember or speak coherently as he used to. Your children are very aware of this, and you prepare them for the worst that is to come. 

It’s nighttime, and Robert’s in bed, saying he’s going to read a book that you’d enjoyed. You make him peppermint tea downstairs to help him fall asleep. As you make the tea, you can hear Robert’s horse voice as he talks to their children. If you bend your ear further, you can hear his voice shaking as he tells his children that he loves them more than anything, and to treat you, their mother, with nothing but love and respect. 

You go upstairs with the tea you’ve prepared for Robert. He thanks you and smiles as if he’s seen you for the first time, refusing to let go of your hand with a weak grasp. As you change quickly into your pajamas, you jump into bed with him and hold him carefully, not wanting to hurt him. 

“Sweetling?” He says your term of endearment in a sing-song voice. You look up, fully attentive. 

“Yes, Oppie?”

With a trembling hand, he holds out an aged navy book with gold print; Hades and Persephone. 

“Can you please read this to me?”

Once you grasp the book, tears begin to form in your eyes. As much as you want to cry, you hold your tears back and nod your head. Leaning against Robert, you open to the book’s preface and see all of his annotations inside. Some of them are about you. You’re about to start reading when Robert, in his classic fashion, grabs your hand and holds it to his chest. 

“Y/n?”

You don’t look over as you close your eyes. 

“Yes, Robert?”

“I love you, y/n”

A tear falls down your cheek, but you don’t let Robert see it. 

“I love you too, Robert.”

That night, Robert falls into a coma. Three days later, he dies. He was sixty-two years old. 

Once you have the funeral and dump his ashes into the US Virgin Islands water, you and your two children move down to Williamsburg, Virginia. You don’t want to be in Princeton anymore, as if it reminds you of Robert. Your family recommends you move back to New York City or Charlottesville, but you refuse; they all have Robert’s name written on it. 

In Williamsburg, you grieve heavily at losing your first and only love, but motherhood keeps you busy. You get a job as an assistant professor at William and Mary, and just as you usually do, you cope with the pain until it becomes numb, losing yourself in your work and children. It’s what Robert would want for you. 

Each night, after you make dinner by yourself, you go to your room and drink, reading all of Robert’s books from his reading list that shaped his mind. 

One night, you’re drunk and sad. You’re primarily drunk at night, hazy and unaware, but some nights you are sad, not always. A ten-year-old Elias walks into your room, asking why you are crying so much. 

For a second, you think he’s Robert with his big blue eyes and puff of dark hair, which makes you sob even more. 

After Robet’s death, Kitty writes to you frequently to ensure you’re doing okay alone with the kids. You write back, and in her final years, the two of you build a friendship until her untimely death in 1972. You speak at her funeral and say in your speech that you hope she’s reunited with Robert. 

Thaïs and Elias both grow into fine adults. Thaïs goes to study chemistry and history at Davis while Elias studies nuclear physics at Princeton, which you know would make Robert proud of both of them. 

Toni, Oppenheimer’s daughter from Kitty’s marriage, committed suicide in 1977. Robert gave her the ranch in New Mexico. Peter refuses to take it, so it’s given to Thaïs. For Thanksgiving and Christmas, you meet Thaïs and Elias there to celebrate the holidays, taking them horseback riding to explore the beauty of New Mexico that Robert once showed to you. 

Thaïs and Elias grow old, and have their own lifes. They stop visiting for holidays, as they are preoccupied with their own families and affairs. You never get angry at either of them for doing so; it’s human nature. 

And so you retreat back to the island of St.John, where your beach house is. It holds both fond and sad memories of Robert, especially within his last years. It’s probably not the best idea if you are out there alone, but you manage to keep yourself distracted with the television, books, and old photos surrounding you. You keep yourself busy and entertained, only getting sad at night about Robert. 

One night, you’re reading on Robert’s old chair. There’s a peppermint tea that’s untouched by your side, along with a fully drinken bottle of wine. With a blanket over you, you read Robert’s old, annotated copy of Hades and Perspehone. You’ve read it a thousand times by now, but the story never gets old to you. It will never get old for you. 

As you reach the end, in which Persephone stays with Hades, your eyes begin to feel heavy. Your hands and fingers feel tingly and heavy. With your eyelids feeling droopy and breathing feeling short, you rest your head back and into the chair. Everything slowly goes back. You're not sad to be going; infact, you’re happy. 

Sometime later, you awaken in a hazy world. It’s an alternate reality since you feel much younger, sitting at a desk, and looking down at your book; it’s an introductory book to Physics with your navy notebook, your name taped on the side. 

Looking up at the chalkboard, you see him; Robert. He’s Dr.Oppenheimer, but to you, he’ll always be Robert or Oppie. He’s got his cigarette in hand, and those damn blue eyes that you loved. Oh, how you’ve missed them. He looks directly at you in the class, and you directly at him. There are people talking, and while they are close, their voices are nothing but mindless mutters.

Robert smiles at you.

Your heart skips a beat. 

You sigh and smile right back at him. At last, you’re home. 

[penvisions]

of beskar and kyber {chapter 15}

Pairing: Din Djarin x Force Sensitive! Reader (the Mandalorian x Force Sensitive! Reader)

Summary: Moff Gideon's troops close in on your position as you try to make an escape.

Word Count: 12.5k (!!)

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, canon typical gore, fighting, fight scenes, conflict, emotional trauma, emotional manipulation, physical manipulation, coercion, manipulation, reader goes momentarily mute, emotional outbursts, argumentative language, din raises his voice, din yells at reader two times, loss of temper for both reader and din, moff gideon gets his own warning, description of injuries, blood, descriptions of nausea, concussions, minor character death, major character injury, angst, emotional rollercoaster, reader has a name that is sparingly used for plot points, if i forgot anything please let me know and i'll add it!

A/N: so, this happened nearly immediately after i posted the last one. had the general scenes of this chapter outlined for ages, but it took a darker turn than even i anticipated. this chapter is dedicated to @sawymredfox for allowing me to bounce ideas off of them! i don't know what to say other than, i'm sorry and please feel free to (kindly) yell at me if you need to

ao3 || series masterlist || main masterlist || ko-fi

“We need to move.”

“Who put you in charge?”

“I’m sorry, do you speak Mando’a? Do you know the customs and cultural presets for interacting with them on their own terms, in their own setting?” One last tear trailed down your cheek and you roughly wiped it away. Trying your best to keep the heated gaze you shared with the older man.

Neither person said anything as you walked past them to take the lead, ad’ika cooing after you with one of his small claws. He began to wriggle in Cara’s grip, unhappy with the woman holding him, a cry breaking the silence of the darkened tunnel. She tried her best to keep him secure against her chest, but he pushed at her, little fists thumping hard. He kept his gazed trained on you, another bellowing cry gaining volume the further you walked away.

“I think he wants you, cyar’ika.” Cara called out, unsure of what else to do. She followed after you, steps echoing all around. You turned with a blank face that quickly softened as you looked down at the child. Heart thudding as you reached out for him, he practically threw himself at you, jumping from Cara’s hold and toward you. You caught him with a small huff, trying to keep a solid hold on him as he buried his face into your neck and whimpered.

“I’ve got you, ad’ika.” You murmured, away of Karga watching you, something in his eyes that you couldn’t quite decipher. With quiet words, you secured him in the bag he had been handed to Kuiil in during your separation and adjusted it over your shoulder. You fixed it to rest along your left hip, his weight barely anything as he kept one hand wrapped around the hem of your tank top for comfort.

The tunnels were deserted, no sign of recent occupation or life, traveling further into them. You couldn’t have been making progress, the winding underground world expansive and deliberately set up to deter people from finding the pockets of life hidden within. With a frustrated sigh, you shined your vambrace’s flashlight on the walls around you. Trying to catch a glimpse of anything scribed along them, using the red of it to pick up on anything gilded in hidden ink.

You wished for the helmet Akiz had left to you, for the cover of it and the different visor settings to aid you in your search. But you had lost it, like you had everything else. It was hopefully still secured in the chest buried in the remnants of your hideaway deep in the desert of Tatooine.

Maybe…maybe it was time to return there, with ad’ika, if you ever managed to get off world. Place the pendant Din had gifted you along side it. Remnants of a life you had tried to start over twice now and unable to maintain. The sacrifice of two Mandalorians weighing you down and urging you to hide away once again. The threat after you, after you both too strong to fight and overcome.

An explosion overhead had you reaching for the child, hand firm on his small back as he fussed.

All three of you turned toward the direction you had just come from, wary of the tunnels beginning to cave in and trap you. Your breath hitched at the sound of twin steps, the unsteady light dancing o the wall as figures approached and rounded the corner you had just turned.

But it wasn’t soldiers or Mandalorians intent on protecting their space, nor civilians running from the fighting and occupation of the city overhead.

It was IG-11, leading and supporting a weak Din.

Your body wouldn’t move, mind going blank as Din’s amor glinted in the low light of the tunnels.

Cara rushed forward, a smile breaking out on her face. Karga right behind her as she reached out a tentative hand to his cuirass. His helmet bobbed, unsteady on his feet and balance shot as he swayed from the light pressure. He didn’t say anything as she curled an arm around his back and took the brunt of his weight. Light emanating from the side of his helmet swinging around as he jostled from the movements.

“Want to lend a hand here?” She looked toward you, frozen in your spot.

When you didn’t say anything, eyes avoiding looking directly at the armored figure and fingers twitching with the urge to reach out an ensure he was real, he was alive, he was right in front of you; Karga took point.

“Do you know which way to go?”

“No. I don’t know these tunnels.” His voice was still raspy, a scratchy quality that prickled the skin of your back as it fell on your ears. Secure in his pouch, ad’ika cooed in response, ears wiggling as he watching his guardian with wide eyes. When the helmet raised and focused on your completely, you couldn’t even find it in yourself to care that his light was shining directly on you. “I’ve only entered from the bazaar. Mesh’la, have you found any clues?”

You turned your back on him and began to walk, not trusting your voice. A grunt of pain displayed through the helmet, Cara murmuring quiet words to ensure he was okay enough to move. When he agreed, she adjusted his arm over her shoulder and began to follow after you.

“She’s been quiet since we left you behind.”

“Well, if we get the smell of sulfur and we follow it, it’ll lead us up to the plains where the river flows.

“The Imps will catch us before we make it to the ship. We need the Mandalorians to escort us to safety.

“Ugh, this place is a maze.

“Stop.” He sounded more clear than he had as of yet. Slowly pulling away from Cara, flanked by them both as they prepared to catch him should he fall. “I can stand.”

“The bacta infusion is working.” IG-11 assured and it eased your heart a bit, to know that the man had taken help from the droid, even if he hadn’t taken it from you. But bacta could only do so much, mentally making a note to pick up more the first chance you had. If not in the controlled city, then on the next world as soon as the ship was docked and you ensured he would be okay while in your absence.

“I’ll try to find tracks. Mesh’la have you found any up there?” Din tried to call out, rasp to his voice stirring concern in you, it swirled alongside the dark tendrils keeping their hold on you. Amalgamating into an uncomfortable weight carried inside of you as you continued to press on through the tunnels.

When you didn’t answer, only stepped out from the middle of the space, did he see what you had been faintly following without even knowing it. He slowly walked forward, still limping slightly, though he did seem a bit steadier on his feet now.

“We’re close.” He pointed towards your feet, his visor allowing him to see the highlighted trail of footprints from someone within the last few hours. You leaned away from his touch to brush your arm as he stood beside you, helmet watching your downcast face. He whispered your name, voice cracking on the feel of it through his sore throat. He reached out for you again, gloved hand barely brushing the side of your cheek before you were pulling away and moving behind the rest of the group.

He could only watch in concern when you removed the bag ad’ika was settled in from your shoulders and handed it to a willing IG-11 to hold. Words stuck in his own throat as he wanted desperately for a moment alone with you to talk things out and comfort you. But time was a luxury none of you had, if the sporadic explosions from up above were any more of an indication of the predicament. 

With a sigh that crackled through the modulator, he began to move once again. A few winding tunnels and turns revealed pockets of life as furniture and barrels began to fill the underground space in pockets.

He came to a slow halt, flashlight making a pile of Mandalorian armor visible right in front of him. It took up most of the current tunnel, the visors of the helmets glinting in the direct light as he stared at them. You held back a gasp at the sight of them, keeping some of your focus on the empty, dark space behind you lest you had followers.

The click of Din turning off his light was loud in the tense silence, the air charged with the emotions he was feeling at such a hopeless and painful sight. He approached the pile slowly, steps stilted as the bacta worked to get him somewhat healed. He kneeled down in front of it, shoulders slumped, and head bowed.

Ad’ika cried out, picking up on the armored man’s emotions. Fussing in the hold IG-11 had on him though he didn’t try to detach.

A helmet was between his hands, lifted up for him to gauge it better. When he was still for longer than a few heartbeats, Cara inched forward and leaned down toward him.

“We should go.”

“You go. Take the ship. I can’t leave it this way.” Somber voice spoken through the modulator, it had you stepping forward but you thought better of it. Not sure if he would welcome your presence beside him at the moment, the memory of approaching a broad figure wearing blue armor replaying in your mind. It was the catalyst for the scene in front of you, Din hunched on the ground, the helmet of one of his fallen gripped in his hands. More evidence of fallen warriors piled in front of him. And it felt like an omen, that it wouldn’t be the last loss for the man to experience. It couldn’t be, not as long as you were with him. As long as ad’ika was with him. Targets marked on your backs, welcoming more conflict, more battles, more gunfire, more loss.

“Did you know about this? Is this the work of your bounty hunters?” Anger flared in his voice, words biting as he turned toward Karga. His legs were stable as he harnessed his anger and closed in on the surprised man. He didn’t move against the approaching man, completely taken off guard by the pile of armor just as everyone else. You felt that same pull of darkness thrum, the memory of Akiz passing too sharp in your mind, striking through you and leaving a chasm for the pull to fill. Dark energy flowed into the chasm, brimming over the edges of it, beginning to take more space in your psyche.

“No. When you left the system and took the prize, the fighting ended, and the hunters just melted away. You know how it is. They’re mercenaries. They’re not zealots.”

“Did you do this? Did you?” Surging up, the helmet clunked to the ground. Din was on Karga in a second, dominant hand coming out to push at the older man’s chest, words demanding and furious.

“No!” Was all the older man could shout back, knowing he was no match for even an injured Mandalorian in close combat. The hand not holding fast to a blaster came up to try and placate the approaching man, though he didn’t make an actual move to push back.  

“It was not his fault.” A woman’s modulated voice broke the tension suddenly. Din turned around slowly, peering into the darkness that it came from. It was as if he recognized the voice, because he made no move to raise a weapon up. Cara startled, as did ad’ika. But you stood still, unwilling to make yourself a target lest the person be a threat.

“We revealed ourselves.” A tall woman appeared from the mouth of a tunnel that jutted off from this one. Her helmet glinted gold in the low light, small horns a decoration jutting along the top. She was dressed in a deep red, the armor painted over a dull brown outfit of leggings, a skirt, and a long-sleeved shirt. She had a shorter cape about her shoulders, though it was made of thick brown fur.

She was completely calm, voice controlled and the cadence in line with those who seldom used Basic.

She leaned down to retrieve some of the armor, motions precise and almost leisurely.

“We knew what could happen if we left the covert. We were made aware of your situation by that one there hiding among the shadows. The Imperials arrived shortly thereafter. This is what resulted.”

She explained easily, no remorse or malice in her tone. It simply became a part of what happened, something she would carry silently with her. A part of her history that would one day be a verse in her song, but for now it was something that she must take in stride and move forward.

But you weren’t so collected.

You felt nausea rise up from your stomach and into your chest, recalling the way you had tracked the blue armored man and approached him. You had only wanted to help, only wanted to ensure Din hadn’t walked into a death trap in his escape with ad’ika. You hadn’t meant for the chain of events to end like this. With so many dead and now lost to the never-ending fight against the Empire. The fault for it once again. Adding another regret to the long list you carried with inside yourself.

They had already lost so much, very life eradicated from their home world, an entire culture nearly wiped out. And you had played a part in it, once again proving those who manipulated you right. You were capable of dangerous, powerful things. Breathing shaky, you couldn’t tear your gaze away from the pile of armor. The beskar began to rattle, the tendrils that wrapped around your psyche tightened and pulled. Causing you to crash to your knees with a painful gasp.

“Did any survive?” As Din carefully asked, you untucked the pendant he had gifted you from your pocket, the cord he had used to keep it around his neck secured to your belt. You clenched your hand around it until the beskar it was made up bit into your palm, the pain centering you in a way that you both hated and were grateful for.

“I hope so. Some may have escaped off world.”

“Come with us.”

“No.” She continued to load pieces of the armor to the cart pulled up behind her, an inkling of the reason on the tip of your tongue. “I will not abandon this place until I have salved what remains.”

Din followed her, turning to enter the space that opened up to the left. Cara and Karga shared a look before they turned to you, moving to follow him when you didn’t look up from your spot on kneeled on the ground, hand still gripped tight around the pendant hanging from your belt.

The forge nestled in the middle of the space was quiet, the soft hush of the constant fires a small comfort to the man who followed behind the armorer of his people. He watched silently as she began to feed pieces into the forge and melt them down.

“Bring her to me, I wish to speak to her.”

Din obliged silently, walking back out into the main tunnel. He kneeled down in front of you with a few heavy pants of exertion, hands reaching out for you but he thought better of it and voiced a soft call of your name to garner your attention. Your head snapped up, eyes filled with tears and a shadow of regret in them. They glinted in the low light and he worried what it meant.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t-“ You took a deep breath in, voice cracking and filled with emotion. “I didn’t mean for anyone to die. I just- I just wanted to help. You were outnumbered beyond capability and I was too weak to fight.”

“You did help, mesh’la. You approached them for help, and they rallied to heed the call. This is the Way.”

He reached out for your hands when he noticed them clenched into tight fists, digging his fingers beneath your own and relieving the tension. The mythosaur pendant was revealed and he watched as it fell to rest against your thigh. “Please don’t hurt yourself, you don’t deserve it.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look directly into the visor, guilt rolling off of you in waves. He could feel the trembling of your arms as he gripped your hands, trying his best to gently pull you up with him as he stood. You probably helped him get back to his feet as much as he had done for you, sharing in the simple task that was too much at the moment. He dropped the contact as soon as you were both on your feet, not wanting to push you or make you uncomfortable. It was obvious you were still reeling from what happened in the cantina. From him not allowing you to heal him and urging you to save yourself. But it would have to wait, the discussion of the day, for you two. To occur between closed doors and with secured privacy for you both.

“She wants to talk with you, the Armorer.”

Following behind him, you watched the way he was moving gingerly, focusing on pulling up the weight of his legs to move forward, his arms nearly motionless at his sides. The woman was standing before the impressive forge, silhouette bold. 

“Show me the one whose safety deemed such destruction.”

“This is the one.” Din motioned to the bad being carried by IG-11, ad’ika preened under the attention, glad that his guardian was back alongside him. Even if the young being could sense the pain and discomfort the armored man was in. That he was pushing through to continue to protect him, to shield him from those threats with which he had directly challenged all those days ago after first meeting him…

“This is the one that you hunted, then saved?”

“Yes. The one that saved me as well.” Din’s response was even, polite.

“From the mudhorn?"

“Yes.”

“It looks helpless.”

“Ad’ika is injured, but he is not helpless. His species can move objects with its mind.”

“Ad’ika? It is unusual that you’ve deemed it a nickname. Have you bonded?”

“….a little. But Mesh’la-“

“Another nickname, how…personal of you.” Her interest was piqued, the tone of her voice lightening a smidge. Almost as if her lips were quirked up in a knowing smile.

“I gave him the nickname, he will not communicate his given name with me and it’s made things easier as time moved on and we traveled with him in our charge. In…burc’ya’s charge.” You spoke up, hoping you weren’t overstepping any unspoken rules. You had never interacted with this woman, but your experience with previous Mandalorian Armorers had been different. They had held high, important positions in the culture but something about her seemed….more. She was the head of her faction, if you had to guess. A guiding member of her own covert, if her remaining behind to care for those in death as she had looked after them in life was any indication.

Children of the Watch, Akiz would describe them, had described them to you. He had been a part of that faction of Mandalorian culture as well, though his covert had been wiped out before his time on K’ath. Where your paths crossed and your time together was solidified in the stars. Their practice of the culture more in tune with the religious scripture. Stricter adherence to the mentality of concealing one’s identity, that they were all of one identity.

Tension existed between them and the general population of Mandalore, you had noticed even as a child, due to their beliefs. It wasn’t anything that caused conflict, thankfully, just a strained interaction or two depending on how individuals reacted to the knowledge. Mandalorian’s were accepting people, an accepting culture for the most part. But there were bad seeds and ill notions as with any large population.  

But he had been nothing but loving and kind to you, giving you a chance at a life you wouldn’t have had without him responding to your distress call and rescuing you. The same for Din, despite having been his target of capture to return to your mother in a business transaction. The man had overlooked his responsibilities in order to allow you freedom, saved by a selfless Mandalorian once again. Gifted his intentions of personal pursuit, a connection that was proving to be so much more than either of you could have guessed back in that desert compound….

“I know of such things. And she is the one who did so when another appeared to defend its fallen mate?”

“Yes.” He nodded to you, signaling that it was indeed okay to respond to the woman’s rather direct and simple questions.

“Elek, vod.”

Yes, ma’am.

“Gar jorhaa’ir Mando’a.”

You speak Mando’a.

“Elek, ni kar’taylir jorcu be ner cabur. Akiz Noves.”

Yes, I know because of my guardian. Akiz Noves.

“Gar cuyir a evaar'la solus.”

You are a foundling.

She moved with an easy confidence, pulling more ladles of molten beskar from within the forge. Taking them to her work bench and pouring it into a set of molds she had laid out. Taking from the old to create new, a cycle that allowed for her culture to persevere.

“Nayc, ni cuy be a nuarra. A kaysh ogir par ni tion’tuur ni gaa’tayl.”

No, I am of a different Creed. But he was there for me when I needed help.

“Tion gar gal?”

What is your name?

“Noves, gifted to me from my guardian. San, is my given name.”

“And you hold the same power?”

“Yes.”

“The songs of eons past tell of battles between Mandalore the Great and an order of sorcerers called Jedi that fought with such powers.”

“He’s an enemy?” Din seemed surprised, while he may only know what he did of them through you, you hadn’t mentioned that those who followed his way of life and yours were sworn enemies. He looked over to you, the woman taking notice of the shared look between you both as you slightly shook your head to assure him that you hadn’t been deceiving him all this time. He wouldn’t have believed it of you, with how things had developed between you both, the connection you two shared. Surely you would’ve told him if the child was a being typically raised with a disposition toward his own.

“No. Its kind were enemies in the sense that battles took place throughout history when ideals did not align. But these two individuals are not. It is a foundling.” She turned her back on to the line your group made in front of her and began to move about the workspace. “By Creed, it is in your care. And she is your key to reuniting it with its own kind should she not want the responsibility herself.”

Items in her grip as she tilted her helmet toward you, another question sounding from her.

“You are sworn to the Jedi Creed, are you not?”

“I…I was. I no longer adhere to either side of the Force. I am sensitive to it, can wield it.” It was an honest half answer, the morality of the question too detailed to get into at the moment. Something you weren’t sure anyone who wasn’t Force sensitive would even begin to understand. But you wanted her to know that you weren’t trying to deceive her or her authority. You were simply being as plain as you could with her, knowing it would mean a great deal to Din for you to do so. That you didn’t want to anything other than show her the respect she deserved.

“You allowed her aboard your ship, share your wares with her as an equal. She can aid you in this mission. Your journeys are intertwined, it was almost as if the Maker knew and set your paths parallel. This is the Way.”

“I have stated my intention of courtship.” Din announced, completely honest with the woman leading the conversation. He respected her, deeply. It was obvious in the way that he stood, at attention despite his injuries no doubt making it hard for him to even concentrate and stand up at all. He should be resting, a luxury you knew all too well was something out of reach when the lives you led seldom allowed for it.

“And have you accepted?” The visor settled into the gold of her helmet was trained on you fully now, watching you with an intensity that made the hairs on the back of your neck rise.

You could sense the stillness of Din across the room, his breath baited as he waited for your answer. It would be so easy to lie, to cut the ties between you both that have developed in the wake of losing control. The connection intense enough to influence the balance that had taken you years to find within yourself, all-encompassing and completely terrifying. The confession he whispered to you as he lay injured echoed in your ear, the return of it on the forefront of your mind. Feeling heat blossom in your chest as you recalled the emotions he stirred in you, all the good, you nodded in affirmation. Knowing the importance of declaring such a thing to the woman before you. Of declaring it to Din plainly, even in the wake of the day’s events.

“Yes, he means a great deal to me.” You breathed out, conviction obvious, the sentiment behind the words not lost on you.

“Hey, not that this isn’t exciting information, but these tunnels will be lousy with Imps in a matter of minutes. We should at least discuss an escape plan.” Her lips quirked again, similar to how they had done when Din admitted to you knowing his name, that he had shared it with you and allowed you to use it.

“If you follow the descending tunnel, it will lead you to the underground river. It flows downstream toward the lava flats.” She turned her attention back to the forge, extending a long handled ladle into the depts of it and retrieving out the molten beskar of the armor she had carefully placed in it moments before.

“I think we should go.” Cara urged, not wanting to become trapped beneath the city as the troops above figured out a way into the tunnels. However winding and confusing they were, it was only a matter of time until they closed in on your position. Especially if you weren’t moving. You had a better chance out in the open landscape, could hide out somewhere and bid your time until nightfall. Get back to the Crest or manage to steal a ship from the city outskirts.  

“I’m staying, I need to help her, and I need to heal. Mesh’la can take ad’ika and go with you, hide out until we can reconvene.”

“You must go. A foundling is in your care. By Creed, until it is of age or reunited with its own kind, you are as its father. This is the Way.”

The room stilled, it was obvious Din wanted to argue his point, but he remained quiet. His need to provide for his people an integral part of the man that he was and he was being instructed to leave the only known surviving one behind. You weren’t sure if you would be able to do so either.

“You have earned your signet.” She walked over to him, a metal plate in her hand and a small welding tool. She fastened it to his right pauldron with quick work. When she stepped back, it was revealed to be the skull of a mudhorn. While you and Din gazed at the addition to his beautiful armor, she moved about the space with admirable concentration and ease.

She walked back to her work bench, retrieving the molds she had filled earlier and removing the now cooler metal. She gathered them with a pair of tongs, moving to plunge them into the vat of water used to set pieces. After a few moments, she deemed them perfect and pulled them out. Wiping them down and taking the mallet to a few places, she revealed her work to be a pair of pauldrons.

She held the armor out to you.

“When a Mandalorian courts, that is a very important bond.” You stepped forward at her beckoning, allowing her to fasten the pieces of armor to your shoulders, her gloved fingers moving your cape out of the way with careful motions. Feeling the presence of Akiz watching over you as she did so. You closed your eyes, immersing yourself in the feeling of being accepted by the woman, by the leader of Din’s covert. Of being folded into Mandalorian culture once again. Thankful for the endless kindness and protection its people had provided to you throughout your life.

The weight of the armor was foreign, beskar being known as one of the strongest and most dense metals in the galaxy. But it was also comforting, akin to being wrapped up in the arms of someone you trusted.

“And though you are not to be riduurok just yet, that makes you a part of his clan. A clan of three.”

She fastened a twin signet into your right pauldron, mirroring the way she had done with Din.

“Thank you. I will wear this with honor.” Reverence coated his somber tone, aware of the importance of finally being given such a symbol from the leader of his covert. The importance of the Armorer gifting you the set of pauldrons, his signet. That it was not given lightly, nor without thought.

“I will as well, your craftmanship is inspiring.”

“While you still follow another Creed, you have been folded in our own, it is a great honor.”

An explosion sounded overhead, too close for comfort. The commotion broke the scene, calling everyone back to reality in a harsh way.

“IG, please guard the other hallway. A scouting party draws near.”

Heeding the woman’s command, the droid handed the bag in its hold to Cara.

“Hang on. I don’t do the baby thing.” Ad’ika squealed happily as he reached out to wave his claws in her face. She moved to hand the bag over to you, but you held your hands up in surrender.

“He likes you, accept it cyar’ika.”

“I have one more gift for your journey.” The Armorer announced. Moving behind Din and toward a chest that was up against the wall of the workspace.

“Have you trained in the Rising Phoenix?”

“When I was a boy, yes.”

“Then this will make you complete.” She turned around, revealing a purely silver beskar pack. It was beautiful, the details of it amazing as you looked over it. Din seemed to be taken aback by such an offering, his voice low when he thanked her.

“When you have healed, you will begin your drills. Until you know it, it will not listen to your commands.”

“I understand.”

“Ensure that he is completely healed before he begins, it is your responsibility to care for him until he is recovered. Do not allow him to harm himself with his notion of impatience. As I’m sure you’ve picked up on it in your time together.”

You felt a smile tug at your lips as you stepped forward, placing a hand atop Din’s left shoulder. You nodded an affirmation of the woman’s words, teasing quality to them as she displayed how well she knew the man standing between you.

Any remark you were about to make was lost as the sound of blaster fire echoed down the tunnels. Far too close for comfort. There was a loud thud, before the form of IG-11 appeared in the mouth of the workspace. Two blasters in its grip it turned to the group and assured that the threat had been taken care of.

“More will come. You must go.”

“Come with us.” Din breathed out, not a question but a silent plea of the woman before him.

“My place is here. Restock your munitions. Both of you.” When you didn’t follow the man’s steps toward the cache of weaponry, he turned to you with a tilt of his helmet.

“Mesh’la, take what you need.”

“I-I can’t. The armor is already-“ You stumbled over your worlds, overcome with meaning behind declaring your intentions with Din. With the pull toward the dark pit that had opened up inside of you that took conscious effort not to fall into its pull every second since it formed.

“You are a part of this, you’ve been accepted into the covert. You have a right to the supplies offered for battle.”

“IG, carry this for Din Djarin until he is well enough to wear it.”

“Now, go.” The Armorer held out the jet pack for the droid, ensuring it was secure before bidding you goodbye. “Down to the river and across the plains. Be safe on your journey.”

“Thank you.” Din followed after the others, allowing you a moment alone with the Armorer as you moved to stand in front of her beside the forge.

“Thank you, vod. I-I have no words to express my gratitude.”

“You are welcome, anyone who intends to become riduurok with one of our kind is accepted as one of our own. Though, I’m sure you know of such customs from your guardian. Do you still carry his armor with you?

“I have his helmet, he gifted it to me upon his death. The rest was lost in a plasma explosion. I’m sorry for not being able to deliver it to his home planet or another covert to recycle.” You bowed your head, sincere in your words.

“I hereby give you permission to alter it for yourself, should you wish to don it in battle. I will not enforce the rule of anonymity on you that the rest of us follow. Look out for him, he…means a great deal to our covert, what remains of it. He was the sole provider for many years while we stayed hidden in the shadows for our own protection.”

“I will, I swear to you.”

“Go, may our paths cross again, San Noves.” She reached out and placed a hand on your shoulder, nodding at you before turning her back on you.

After what felt like far too long, the tunnels finally opened up into a wide chasm. The space filled with a flowing river, lava making up the currents as it slowly moved to the east. It was a mesmerizing sight, beautiful in the way it glowed red and orange through the crust of volcanic rock that began to harden along the top.

The heat from the river was intense, making the air too dry to breath in without feeling a sting in your lungs. You worried for ad’ika in Cara’s hold. His smaller body struggling with the new environment.

Both men dashed forward, inspecting the abandoned vehicle hovering above the river at the bank. A motionless droid was covered in hardened lava, the rock encasing the entire figure save for a part of its front and the top of its head. It looked like it had been abandoned a long while ago, days, perhaps weeks at this point if the city had been overrun for as long as Karga described. The bottom and body of the vehicle seemed to be in good shape, but more hardened lava had bridged the space between it and the shore, locking it into place.  

Both men began to push at the boat, trying their best to loosen the melding of it to the makeshift dock of the riverbank. You and Cara shared an exasperated look at their efforts, knowing there was no way one man at full strength and one at half would be able to shift it.

Din showed his growing frustration by surging up and kicking at the side of the speeder. He stumbled from the reverb of his action, and you rushed to wrap your arms around his shoulders and catch and prevent him from falling completely. There was no telling what it would’ve done to the partial recovery he had made. You didn’t want him to lose consciousness again or irritate the injuries he was fighting against. It didn’t matter how well the bacta was working, he could always make the problem worse. To the point beyond a general healing spray and that…that wouldn’t be good. You doubted he would allow you to take him to a med center, even if it was run primarily by droids. Especially if it was run primarily by droids.

“Come on! What’re you doing?”

Din pulled from your grip, nearly shrugging you off in his move to retrieve a broken piece of piping that was scattered on the bank.

“Let’s try this.” Thankfully Cara had the same train of thought as you did, that it was futile to try and force the vehicle to separate from the shoreline. She adjusted the large blaster in her hold, keeping one arm wrapped securely around ad’ika.

“You guys mind getting out of the way?”

When the bolts didn’t work to detach the speeder, you held your hands out and harnessed the power curled up inside of you, feeling it in full force as you controlled it to focus on the body of the vehicle. A low whine sounded from deep in your chest as it didn’t budge, urging you to shift your focus on the rock keeping it tethered in place. It was silent for a moment, Din stepping up beside you to assure you that it wasn’t necessary for you to do so. His words were cut off by the metallic groaning of the boat prying away from the shore to float freely in the river.

He curled a hand around your shoulder, silently praising you. As he stepped forward to board, his gloved fingers trailed down the beskar protection you had been adorned with, almost caressing the signet fastened proudly into the metal. He held out a hand to help you bridge the gap between it and the heightened shore. Your heart thudding with a few heavy beats as you took it and boarded alongside him.

Mechanical beeping and whirring had all four of you turning with blasters raised toward the ferry droid that had suddenly activated. The rock attached to it crumbled away as it activated and stood. It was tall, towering over even Din, moving to displace a metal oar from where it had been hidden among the rock.

“I don’t suppose anyone here speaks droid?”

“I believe he is asking where we would like to go.” IG-11 translated.

“Down river. To the lava flat.” Karga spoke strongly, his voice holding an air of command to it, ensuring that there was no confusion to be taken by the new droid.

Minutes passed, a lot of them, your anxiety humming as you kept your head on a swivel to catch any warning signs of an ambush, of any swarms of soldiers erupting from within the tunnels sparse openings and out into the underground one that the river flowed through.

The skittering of small rodent like creatures along the shoreline caught your attention, more than a few of them pausing in their activity to gaze at you as the speeder past by. They were cute and ad’ika seemed to agree as he raised his claws from within the bag and waved at them. They chittered at him before moving on, unsure of what to make of the odd sight of your group traveling downstream.

“That’s it! We’re free!”

“No, we’re not.” A gloved hand pressed to the side of his helmet, displaying a view for Din that he described for everyone else. “Stormtroopers. They’re flanking the mouth of the tunnel. It looks like an entire platoon. They must know we’re coming.”

“They were ordered there to prevent us from escaping, even if we didn’t take this route. Moff Gideon wouldn’t chance it.” It had to have been him ensuring he didn’t lose you to the wilds of the planet, the landscape endless and easy to secure a hideaway. With the sun setting in mere hours, you could be lost for the night, enough time for your group to figure out a way off world.

Commanding the droid to stop the speeder from traveling down river was fruitless. It merely chirped and beeped, not heeding the sudden flux of words aimed at it. When it didn’t seem to understand anything, Karga fired on it. But that didn’t seem to stop the momentum of the speeder, now floating of its own accord toward the mouth of the tunnel, toward the sunlight and waiting ambush.

“We’re still moving.”

“Looks like we fight.”

“There are too many.”

“Then what do you suggest? Cause I can’t surrender.” Cara hissed, setting the bag down atop a seat in the bed of the speeder. Ad’ika gurgled, hands reaching up for someone, anyone to pick him back up. You were about to reach for him when IG-11 stepped forward to take him in its arms again.

“They will not be satisfied with anything less than the child and the Sith.”

“Not a Sith.” You hissed out, pinning the droid with a glare, lava spouting up around the speeder. Some of it splattered up against the side of the vehicle, the metal steaming as it melted under the contact.

“Apologies, I was inferring from-“

“You inferred wrong.”

“Understood. This is unacceptable. I will eliminate the enemy and you will escape.”

“You don’t have that kind of firepower, pal. You wouldn’t even get to daylight.” Din was quick to put a pin in that idea, not willing to give up the extra set of hands.

“That is not my objective.”

“We’re getting close. Saddle up.” Karga pointed towards the entrance mere yards away now.

“I still have the security protocols from my manufacturer. If my designs are compromised, I must self-destruct.”

“What are you talking about?” Confusion in his tone, Din faced the droid head on, trying to understand exactly the point it was trying to make.

“I am not permitted to be captured. I must be destroyed.”

“Are we gonna keep talking, or get out of here?”

“I can no longer carry this for you. Nor can I watch over the child.” IG-11 reached down to hand ad’ika over to Din, the armored man taking the bag with steady arms. Quiet thuds of tiny hands against his cuirass displayed the child’s delight.

“Wait. You can’t self-destruct. Your base command is to watch the child. That supersedes your manufacturer’s protocol, right?”

A pause.

“That is correct.”

“Good. Now grab a blaster and help us shoot our way out.”

“Victory through combat is impossible. We will be captured. The child will be lost. The woman will be lost.” IG-11 began to cross the width of the speeders bay, toward the right side of the vehicle. “Sadly, there is no scenario where the child is saved, in which I survive.”

“Listen, you’re not going anywhere. We need you. Let’s just come up with a…” Din’s words trailed off, no other solution coming to mind for him to voice.

“Please tell me the child will be safe in your care.” Head turned toward the armored man, waiting for confirmation. “If you do so, I can default to my secondary command.”

“But you’ll be destroyed.”

“And you will live, and I will have served my purpose.”

“No,” He sounded almost…remorseful. You could feel the conflicting emotions wafting from him, read it in the stance he had, the way his shoulders were set. “We need you.”

“There’s nothing to be sad about. I have never been alive.”

“I’m not…sad.” Din argued weakly.

“Yes, you are. I’m a nurse droid. I’ve analyzed your voice.”

IG-11 reached out a hand and caressed the tip of ad’ika’s ear in a parting gesture.

“What’re you doing?” Karga demanded as you all watched the droid step out from the deck of the speeder and down into the slow-moving river. The metal of its legs hissing at the sudden barrage of temperature. The mechanics tried to hold out as it trudged forward, flames licking up the sides slowly.

A pulsating alarm began to beep, a chasm in the chest piece opening up the second IG-11 was outside the mouth of the tunnel. A blinding explosion erupting seconds later. The screams of the waiting soldiers hurt your ears, the flash bright even behind shielded eyes. The speeder continued on, moving through the cloud of smoke and ash that lingered in the air.

The bodies of the dead soldiers were scattered and you tamped down a flood of memories from the last time you had been at the sight of such a directed attack on them.

There was no time to revel in the defeat, the screeching of a TIE fighter hurtling through the air and right at your groups position. Moff Gideon not giving up even in the face of losing another faction under his command. Cara and Din raised their blasters, prepared to shoot his ship from the air. It was not a match for the focused fire he laid down as the ship swooped low, though no hits landed directly over you.

“He missed!” Cara shouted out, hope coloring her words.

“He won’t next time.” You spoke evenly, wanting them to understand the situation at hand. The only way this was going to end was with someone’s death. Be it one of yours, all of yours, or Gideon’s. The conflict would drone on until the threat was eradicated, you just hoped that your side was the one that came out victorious.

“Our blasters are useless against him.”

“Hey, let’s make the baby do the magic hand thing. Come on, baby! Do the magic hand thing.” Karga waved his hand frantically in the air, prompting ad’ika to follow his command. But all the child did was wave back at him, cooing all the while with a curious expression.

“He doesn’t have that type of control.” You reasoned, not wanting to rely on ad’ika’s powers when thwarting the flame thrower had taken so much from him.

“He did it back in the cantina!” Karga argued, brow furrowed at his lack of understanding the nuances of something that could really help in their favor.

“He was emulating me, he doesn’t really have an understanding of harnessing his powers like that.”

“Give him some credit, jeez.”

“He needs to rest, he’s overwhelmed!”

“Then I’m out of ideas. If you refuse to use it yourself.”

“I never said I refused, I need a clean line of sight.” You looked over your shoulder, worried for ad’ika as he cried out at the heightened emotions between all four of you. You leaned down to rub a hand over his small back, ensuring he was snug in the bag. You tried to push a good feeling through the connection, wanting to comfort him in any way. A strike of pain rained down from the crown of your head and ad’ika’s small claws dug into the front of your tank top.

“I’m not out of ideas.” Din interrupted your harmless bickering, something in his town making you turn to him fully.

“Here he comes!” Distant roaring signaled that the ship was maneuvering and about to return.

Din set his blaster back in the holster on his hip. Reaching down with a grunt of effort to lift up the jetpack that had just been gifted to him, confirming your suspicions. There was no way he was healed enough to maneuver through the air with it, that he could pick it up so quickly and focus with his head having been cracked open. The phantom feel of his blood thick on your hands making you shake them out.

“She said to wait until you were healed!” You rushed forward and cupped your hands over his shoulders, hoping a gentle touch would help to convince him not to go through with what he was thinking. Urging him to listen, to consider that it was too much of a risk that he didn’t need to take. “You’ll injure yourself further, it’s not the only option.”

“It’s what we’ve got right now.” He reasoned calmly, chest heaving with deep breaths as he tried to move about like normal. He was feeling the weight of his full armor, you suspected, the jet pack adding to the struggle to keep up and focus.

The ship swooped low, too close for comfort, firing out in a wide line around the river’s edge. With a shout you stretched your arms out, the ship pivoting heavily to the right. The unexpected movement caused the remaining blasts to hit along the mouth of the tunnel. Deep rumbling signaled the collapse of the tunnels inside, the support of the opening damaged, sheets of broken rock crumbling into the river as the natural structure dissolved.

While you had turned your attention from him, Din had successfully docked the jet pack into the back panel of his armor. Eyes roving over the sight of him completely pieced together, you felt your heart skip a beat. Admiring the image he created against the expansive landscape, armor glinting in the lowering sun in a beautiful way.

And you couldn’t lose him. You wouldn’t.

Recovering from the manipulation, the TIE fighter was soaring directly toward you. Din was standing at the front of the speeder, stepped up on the lip of the vehicle. The engines on the TIE fighter lit up, whirring as they settled on their target. Din’s broad silhouette backed by the incoming threat sent chills down your spine. You blinked rapidly, his figure morphing into the image of a taller man, adorned in a deep blue armor instead of his pure beskar. The explosion of the shots along the ground as the ship neared shook the ground, dirt and pieces of the volcanic rock rising up high into the air. At the last second, before the shot inevitably hit the vehicle, Din bent his knees.

Without a look back at you, he took off into the air.

A cable flew from his vambrace at clicked onto the top of the ship, whipping the man forward as it surged past. You cringed, worry for his head flooding you. If he were to lose consciousness that high up in the air, got tossed off the ship….

You could only watch with the breath stolen from your lungs as he was whipped around, unable to gather his bearings. But he did, finally, jetpack sparking to life, and he grappled a desperate hold onto the body of the ship.

It suddenly began to spiral, controlled surely by a concerned Gideon. You gasped out, hands coming up to your mouth as you watched the body of armor crash into the wings of the ship, scrabbling to keep hold and not get tossed off.

“He’ll be okay, cyar’ika. We have to have faith in him.”

She had spoken a moment too soon because his body was flung from the ship, hurling through the air without a tether.

“No!” Voice hoarse, you scrambled over the errant items inside the space of the speeder. You jumped from the bed of the vehicle, onto the rocky shore of the river and began to sprint. Halting a few yards into the vast landscape, you held both your arms out and focused on the sight of a falling Din. The speed of his fall slowed, allowing him to swivel his head to take in the sight of you so far down below trying to aid him.

His arms flailed as he tried to help align himself as he tumbled through the air, thankful you were doing what you could to slow his rapid descent. As the TIE fighter lost a wing to a sudden explosion, flames and black smoke billowing up, did Din finally manage to engage his jetpack. As soon as he landed clumsily on the ground beside you, grunting at the force of the landing on his body, the ship crashed to the ground just beyond the small crest of a ridge.

Not even a second passed before you were rushing off toward it. Passing by Din with a focus he had only seen when you were in battle. Brows furrowed and eyes alight. Your name being shouted behind you as your legs carried you as fast as you could. You could faintly hear the scuffle between Cara and Din, her catching him as he tried to follow after you, warning him to be careful and that you could take care of yourself. That he had to trust in you that you wouldn’t go too far.

You panted, feeling immeasurable power surge through you. But it wasn’t the pure side of the Force you typically harnessed.

“That was impressive, Mando. Very Impressive.” Karga praised as he approached them. Din had convinced Cara he wouldn’t run after you, allowing her to focus on the child in her grip. Small claws reaching out for the armored man. Extending a shaking hand out, Din allowed the child to grip his gloved fingers.

“It looks like your Guild rates have just gone up. And Sarad’s set at an exceptional rate for a newcomer should she be interested.”

“I can’t speak on her behalf.” He gazed out at the landscape, in the direction of the ridge. He could make out with the help of his helmet, that you had just scaled the top of it, disappearing on the other side. You were upon the crash of the ship.

“Let’s get this speeder running, we can pick her up on the way back to the city.” Cara suggested, not wanting to leave you out in the plains along for too long. Agreement rang out, and they all loaded back up into the vehicle, Din slumping into a seat.

“Let’s go get your girl, Mando.”

“She’s not a possession.” Din hissed out, annoyance flaring.

“Oh, you know what I mean. Don’t read into the phrasing.”

The speeder was slow, mechanics lagging from being exposed to the heat of the river for so long.

Silence tense as it trudged across the open land.

“Her saber turned red.”

Din remained silent, not wanting to delve into speculation over what it meant.

The others seemed to understand that it wasn’t their place, even if they were simply showing concern for your wellbeing.

“You have no control!” You swung your saber, the hum of it lowering in pitch as you cut into the shoulder of the man beginning to crawl through the broken glass of the ship’s viewpoint. The body of it was smoldering, flames licking over the expanse of it, the result of the charges Din had managed to fasten to it.

“You’re weak. You will always be weak. That’s why the pull to the dark side is so strong in you. It can sense that you need guidance, that you need control. And it will take everything from you as it transforms you in its image.” Gideon huffed out, surging forward despite the blood seeping into the fabric of his clothing.

“You’ll fall to it, you’ll give into it with no one to guide you. And you’ll turn that innocent, unsuspecting child in your image. You will experience nothing else, only darkness and destruction and the death of those around you.”

He tore himself out of the debris, standing to his full height and engaging a blade that hummed in much the same way as your lightsaber. It was lined like a true blade, black that gave way to bright white of a kyber crystal housed in the handle.

It stopped you in your tracks. The bright glow of it captivating you, whispers seeping from it and tickling your mind. So distracted as you were, you could only step back with each approaching one of his. Your own weapon hanging low at your side, crackling in a response to the enchanting blade in the man’s hand. 

“Couldn’t save your beloved guardian and you’re not going to be able to save your delusional Mandalorian now. I will have his head if it’s the last thing I do. I will have the head of your precious child if it’s the last thing I do. They will die, they will both fall. You won’t be able to save the man you love. Again. It means more to me than anything to bring them down and take what I want from your lifeless bodies.”

You exhaled heavily as you plunged your saber out. The harsh crack of the blades connecting echoed across the plains. You merely blocked his attacks, gauging his style and still too enamored by the twin pulls of the dark tendrils wrapping around your ankles and that of the weapon in the man’s possession. When it glided across the armor you had been gifted, you snapped out of your defensive reverie, teeth gritting as you returned the gesture.

He grunted when you sliced into his shoulder a second time, arm going limp at his side as the blade cut into the space between his own armor that allowed for movement. His eyes widened as he realized you weren’t going to succumb to the energy wafting from you, that it wasn’t overpowering you in the way that he had anticipated, that he had seen before as you struggled against it. Unwilling to succumb to the pull of it, the almost sentient energy. You were harnessing it. And he allowed a smirk to pull at his lips.

“So predictable, dear San.” He pressed forward, holding his useless arm to his side. Taking the injury in stride if it meant that you were crumbling. “Falling into the same traps time and time again. So easily manipulated. When will you learn that there is nothing more for you than the title of a Sith?”

Your blade crackled, gaining intensity to its glow, white tinted at the base of it. The red seeping into the entire thing, casting your face in the light.

“There is no love for someone like you. Not of a parent, not of a guardian, not that of a partner. You were born to this, the rise to power with the dark side. Nothing else will come to you, your foolish Mandalorian will see your true nature soon enough and abandon you. His history suggests he only cares about his people, his Creed. What could he possibly want from you, so steeped in emotion and vulnerability.”

Swiping at his feet, he stumbled, cape fluttering as tried to catch himself on his knees. But you were throwing him toward the rubble of the ship with an outstretched hand. He could do nothing as he felt the energy wrap itself around him and command his body as if it was its own. He cried out as the broken metal of the frame bit into his back. The snap of his armor against it was loud. Gasping suddenly as he couldn’t breathe in, the air stolen from his very lungs.

Wide eyes turned to you, hand clenched in a fist as you constricted his airways. Watching with an unnerving calmness as the blood vessels in his eyes began to bleed, the veins in his neck began to bulge, his dark skin taking on a ruddy tone as he struggled.

With heaving breaths, you dismantled the TIE fighter down with your saber until it was nothing but a pile of smoldering metal and broken glass. Barricading the man inside.

Just as you began to distance yourself from the ship, the speeder from the river appeared over the ridge, moving toward you. Sighing, you waited for it to stop at the bottom before trudging on. Not risking it getting too close to the flames and smoke of the TIE fighters remains.

“You should get checked out, ad’ika too.” Your words were flat as you approached the group of them alongside the speeder. Din was leaning heavily against the side of it, helmet slumped, the bottom of it resting on his cuirass. Everyone perked up at the scuff of your approaching form.

“No.” Breathless, he could barely get the word out though it sounded strong to your ears through the modulator. The mechanics hiding the way his expression was pinched and his eyes were blinking rapidly against the pain reverberating through his entire body. You could sense his discomfort, the way his heart was beating irregularly, attuned to him in such a personal way enhanced through the pulse of dark energy flowing through you still.

You sighed, frustration building up at the recollection of how he could barely move mere hours ago and his refusal to let you try to heal him. Gideon’s confident words echoing in your head, incessantly.

“I’m not letting you fly without medical clearance.”

“Let me?” His helmet rounded on you, surprise through the modulator. The glint of the sun on the visor mirrored how his eyes did so underneath as he pushed away from the side of the vehicle. “I’m a grown man.”

“Yes.”

“All I need to do is get back to the ship.”

“Then you’ll go alone.”

“…you’re staying behind?” Hesitancy clear through the modulator. His back was to you, having turned to take in the smoking pile of what was once the TIE fighter in the distance.

“To help them free the city, yes. To ensure everyone is safe. To get supplies and more bacta for you. Whatever else we may need to combat your injuries.” You softened, features displaying the exhaustion weighing you down. Your hands were fiddling with the pendant he had given you, the shine of the beskar in the sunlight bright between your fingers. “I…I would really appreciate it if you humored me and got a scan done at the med center. Just…just so we know what’s wrong and how to heal it.”

“I’m fine.”

“But I’m not.” He whirled around quickly, too quickly, his footing unbalanced at the motion, and he stumbled. The question of what was wrong on the tip of his tongue when you trained your shining eyes on his visor. “Din, I- I need to know you’re okay. Truly okay. Please.”

He turned back around, unable to take in the sight of the earnest concerns falling from your lips, the tears threatening to fall.

He didn’t take his gaze from the distant crash sight, helmet overlooking the scene through different lenses, ensuring that the threat was truly eradicated.

“I can’t look after you if you don’t let me. And before you say it’s not my job, Din, it is. You made it so when you announced your intentions to court me with the Armorer.”

“You think I have regrets in doing so?” Timbre of his voice low, a warning in his tone that sent alarm bells ringing in your head. The first real conflict between you both, weighing heavily in the tense air.

“No.” Was your immediate answer, truth behind the word though it was spoken in a tight voice.

“Do you?”

“No! I just want to make sure you’re okay. That’s it, I’m not…I’m not trying to do anything except for that but if you think I’m trying to get your kriffing helmet off so I can see you when you’ve explicitly told me you didn’t want to and I know the customs then then-“ You scrambled to remove the beskar fastened around your shoulders and thrust it into his chest. You hadn’t even wanted to say those things, furl the accusation at him along with the armor, but something compelled you to. Anger striking harshly and taking hold. Manipulating you into succumbing to it, the feeling of a pit opening inside your mind. Dark and beckoning. He swayed back with the force of it pressed to him, modulator crackling as he realized you were completely serious. “Maybe we were foolish to entertain the thought. Leave. Just go, Din.”

“Mesh’la-“ His knuckles popped as he held the armor in his hands, wound as tight as he could ever remember, a thrumming low in his head that was steadily gaining momentum and making it hard to focus. He could feel the energy flowing from you, see it in the twitching of your muscles and the lack of control you seemed to have over your words. It was unlike you, to raise your voice, to be so unwilling to hear him out, to take his words into account. He was trying his best to keep up but he wasn’t handling it well, he knew that. He…he felt so nauseas and dizzy and he just wanted to rest.

“I have a name.”

“San, I didn’t- I don’t think that. I did not say that, do not put words in my mouth.”

“Well, you’re not exactly saying anything now are you!”

“Because I don’t have anything to say! It’s been a long day and I just want to return to the ship.”

“I think maybe we should all just- not calm down!” Cara rushed to say at the heated looks her way. The intensity of them unnerving her. “Not calm down but put a pin in this and get back to the city.”

“Fine with me.”

“I’ll meet you back at the Crest.”

Din took a few steps away from the speeder, preparing to take off with the aid of his jetpack once again.

He paused as you gasped out, trembling hands causing you to lose your hold on the speeders edge as you tried to climb in. Clenching his eyes tight and taking a deep breath, he walked back toward you. His hands didn’t linger when he helped you board this time, taking a seat at the back bench and facing out toward the plains.

When you sat down on the other side of the bench, he slowly moved to fasten the armor back to your shoulders. He silently thanked the Maker that you allowed him to do it, allowed him to fasten his signet back onto you. He wasn’t one for outward expressions but it eased his heart that you still wanted to display in even in the wake of an argument. The gravity of you choosing to wear something that signified him was not lost on him, words of a time past where you had cried out that you would never submit to anyone again echoing in his mind as the speeder traveled on.  

“Are you going to talk to me?” You knew you should give him some space, give him time to process the events of the day. To rest and feel more like himself. But you couldn’t help it, couldn’t fight the push to confront him, emotions a whirlwind inside your chest. Dark pit opened up right in the middle and tainting everything that you were. You watched on as if you weren’t in your own body, as you continued to push the man’s buttons until you both snapped.

The silence was heavy, his shoulders tight underneath his armor, hands busy searching for something within the panels making up the walls. For what, you weren’t sure. He had been silent the entire walk back to the ship, to where you had moved to closer to the entrance of the city while he underwent a general scan to ensure his injuries would heal completely. It had taken a lot of convincing, and he hadn’t been too happy with the way you begged him. Though he knew you hadn’t done so to intentionally manipulate him. You were just concerned.

It was just that he was accustomed to dealing with injuries on his own. Returning to the covert for serious things he needed help with. The migraine building in strength overwhelming him in the worst way paired with your insistence on sticking around for the rest of the day irking him. He knew it was unjustified, that he should find it endearing that you cared so much about the city and those within it, but he wanted nothing more than to retire to his personal space and put as much distance between the planet and himself as possible.

“Din, your skull was cracked open. You-your brain was exposed, and you wanted me to leave you there to die alone!”

“I didn’t want you to see it, to have to go through that, to carry that with you!” He turned sharply, voice a rumble as he realized there was no getting out of this conversation. He had hoped you wouldn’t bring it up so immediately, that you would approach him in a calmer manner when you could sense he was willing to talk.

This was unlike you. To yell and holler, to berate him with accusations. You were scared, he realized. And the dark pull of the Force was making you lash out. His actions had scared you beyond comprehension and control, you didn’t know how to cope with that chasm opened up in your psyche to allow for the tendrils to spark to life and the pit to open up. He didn’t fault you, though he did have an issue with the way you insisted on confrontation.

Emotions too bold overcoming him as he paired them with the words you had whispered to him as he lay dying in the rumble just hours ago.

“That’s not your choice to make!”

“I am not arguing about this!” He snapped, unable to quell the urge to match your volume.

“Too bad! You don’t get a say in that either!! You have to talk to me, please, just…help me understand.”

“You know the Creed, you know it’s an honor to die in battle. If I was willing to give up my life, it’s not your place to tell me otherwise.”

“Din, I could’ve healed you, I could’ve tried. I could’ve saved you.” You weren’t crying, body too worked up for even that, hurt and fear twisted into an ugly thing and making you something you weren’t.

They will die, they will both fall. You won’t be able to save the man you love. Again.

“I was ready to die.” He didn’t break the gaze he had on you, reading the emotions flitting across your face. “I was ready to die for you both to get to safety, for all of you to make an escape.”

“So you’re allowed to sacrifice yourself for me but I can’t do the same? That’s bullshit and you know it. Not allowing me to take on what I could’ve so you could live another day doesn’t warrant even a conversation?”

Anxiety was like a layer too tight skin over your entire body, making it hard to take in a full breath, to concentrate past the throbbing of your head.

“I could’ve saved you.” You repeated, lips pulled down in a frown, trying to keep the tears at bay, the trembling of your lips prone to give you away. “You-you said you loved me and then wanted to die. I could’ve saved you. I could’ve, I couldn’t, I-I-“

All of your breath left you in a sudden gasp and your words cut off as you snapped your mouth shut, teeth clacking with the motion. You tried to breathe in through your nose, but a wave of nausea overtook you and you clamped a hand over your mouth. The lingering scent of sulfur twisting your stomach. It was an ill-timed realization paired with how suddenly acutely aware of how intense you were being, how overwhelmed you were on already shot nerves. That it was the dark pit pulling you inward, inch by inch, dark temptations reaching out and wrapping around more and more of your legs while you could do nothing to fight it.

“Mesh’la…”

“I need a minute, please, just…give me a fucking minute!” You shouted, flinging out a hand toward the approaching shadow. Toward the rampage of memories plaguing you. Your voice raw as it tore through your throat. There was a sharp clang of metal on metal, but your mind was overrun by the barrage of screams and pleas overtaking your ears. The hum of your blade as it shown red all around you, reflecting in the dead eyes and on the metal walls of the ship you had destroyed in your grief. Of the wreckage caused by the crash, bathed in the sickly color.

Red, red, red. It was everywhere, all over the walls, all over your hands, your clothes, the warm feeling of it saturating you and seeping into your skin. The sight of it burned into the very synapses of your mind, pooled underneath the body of a man you loved, pooled underneath the body of a man you were in love with. Your ears began to ring, all sound muffled.

Nothing else will come to you, your foolish Mandalorian will see your true nature soon enough and abandon you. His history suggests he only cares about his people, his Creed.

Your chest hurt, heart stuttering as it tried to regulate itself in the wake of your hitching breath, unable to take a full one and calm down. The world tilted on its axis, and you went with it. Falling physically to the ground, mentally down into the void taking over more of your psyche until it was all you knew. Vision blacking out. As it did, the entire ship lurched. It took a moment for the mechanical software programmed into the ship to correct the trajectory.

All Din could do was watch as your unconscious form fell from where you had flung him across the hold, body pinned to the wall as your mind broke in a way he had been trying to prevent. Everything fastened to the walls and the panel covers had been vibrating with the force of your words and emotions, harnessing the Force unconsciously as you tried to confront him. As soon as your body hit the durasteel floor, muscles going loose did the hold you have on him diminish and everything went still.

He slumped down, backside hitting the ground, body aching all over.

It was only a moment until one of the engines began to spark then groaned. The ship lurched again, alarms beeping, lights flickering, spurring him into action. Din rushed up to the control room, remorse for having to leave you unconscious on the floor of the hold.

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dividers: by the lovely @saradika-graphics

[greatpestilenz]

Flowers For My Love - Miles Morales x Reader

-IM FUCKING INSANE, I RUSHED THIS BEFORE IT SLIPS OFF MY MIND

-PLEASE ENJOY OR I WILL CRY

   The day of your birthday had been a rollercoaster of emotions, as Miles tried his best to balance his work as a physicist and his heroic duties. You knew how dedicated he was to both aspects of his life, and you appreciated him even more for it. As the clock ticked closer to midnight, he rushed to finish his work and make time for you on your special day.

   Finally, as the clock struck a reasonable hour for leaving, he hastily took off his coat and practically sprinted out of his workplace. Determined to get you the best gift, he headed straight for the flower shop, but it seemed he had underestimated how long he had worked. The shop had already closed its doors for the night.

   Not willing to give up, Miles swung to the top of the building and peered down at the darkened shop. He wasn't about to let you down on your birthday, not after everything you meant to him. "Only the best for my love," he whispered to himself as he slung a web towards a nearby building and made his way to another flower shop that might still be open.

   Once inside, he picked out the most exquisite bouquet they had, not hesitating to pay whatever price was necessary. The flowers were a perfect representation of your beauty and the love he felt for you. Checking his watch, he realized it was only half an hour before midnight, and he knew he had to hurry to get to your shared home.

   With the bouquet in hand, Miles web-slung through the city, navigating effortlessly through the streets. He reached your doorstep just as the clock struck midnight. Unlocking the door with his spare key, he stepped inside as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake you up. He knew you'd be fast asleep, unaware of the efforts he had put into making this day special.

   Closing the door gently behind him, he tiptoed to your bedroom, the bouquet still held tightly in his hand. The soft glow of moonlight illuminated your peaceful form as you slept, and a fond smile crossed his lips. He couldn't help but feel lucky to have you in his life.

   "Mmm, Miles?" You stirred in your sleep as he gently shook your shoulder, waking you up. "Huh? What's happening?" you mumbled, rubbing your eyes groggily.

   He smiled warmly, his eyes filled with love as he looked at you. "I'm sorry I almost missed your birthday, my love," he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "But here, I have a small gift for you. Happy birthday. I'll make it up to you tomorrow."

   You blinked, still half-asleep, as he handed you the beautiful bouquet. The fragrance of the flowers filled the room, and you couldn't help but feel touched by his gesture. "Miles, you didn't have to..." you started, but he gently placed a finger on your lips.

   "I wanted to," he interrupted softly. "You mean the world to me, and I couldn't let this day pass without telling you how special you are."

   Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him, feeling overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness. "Thank you," you whispered, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on his lips. "I know you're busy, Miles. I don't mind. I just... appreciate you being here now."

   He returned your kiss with equal tenderness, his heart swelling with affection for you. "I promise I'll make more time for us, for you," he vowed, his sincerity evident in his eyes. "You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I want to be the one who gives it to you."

   You nodded, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you. With Miles by your side, even amidst his hectic schedule, you knew you were loved and cherished beyond measure. As he pulled you close, wrapping his arms around you, you knew that this birthday would be one you'd never forget.

   In the arms of the man you loved, you drifted back to sleep, the bouquet of flowers resting on the bedside table. Tomorrow was a new day, and you were excited to see what surprises and adventures it would bring with Miles Morales, the physicist, and your beloved Spider-Man.

[itsmalleus]

[TRUST OR SURPRISE ME NOT?] - Floyd Leech x Riddle Rosehearts AU / SMAU

Intro: Where in, Floyd has been bugging Riddle on twitter regarding his gift, but the Heartslabyul housewarden ain't taking it anymore.

notes:

- short au

- fluff and crack

- don't mind the timestamps

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written parts:

Riddle went out of his room and walked towards the Heartslabyul dorm entrance - he doesn't know if Floyd is just joking or maybe pranking him, but he sure does know that Floyd won't stop nagging at him if he didn't show up.

The Heartslabyul housewarden was already near the entrance door when he saw Floyd standing at the gate.

"I thought you were just pranking me!" Riddle was already in a pout, when he reached Floyd.

Floyd just smiled widely at him - a smile that's too sweet and warm, Riddle thought to himself.

"Would never prank that I was here even when I'm not, little goldy." Riddle just chuckled at Floyd and the nickname that he was given to.

At first, he didn't like it that much, but this is Floyd he was talking about. Knowing Floyd himself, he won't stop calling Riddle his 'goldfish' nickname, so he just let him be.

"So, what's the matter? Why did you call me outside?" Riddle asked, and Floyd just winked at him.

"Well, here's the surprise that I'm talking about." Floyd said, before picking up the bouquet of red roses and a box of strawberry tart on the nearby carriage.

"I was with Jade at the market and I just saw these from a stall - they're kind of a bakery and flower shop at the same time, and it reminded me of you. So, here." Floyd explained, as he gave the bouquet of red roses and a box of strawberry tart to Riddle.

To say that Riddle is completely red from neck to his face is an understatement - he was shy, thankful, and kind of experiencing some butterflies in his stomach right now.

"Thank you, Floyd. I thought it was another prank, but really, thank you!" Riddle was extremely happy right now.

Floyd has been courting him for quite some time now, and Riddle knew that he also wanted Floyd as his companion and love partner, so he was thinking if it's already the right time to answer him.

"Anything for you, my little goldy." Floyd smiled at him, and Riddle just wanted to claim the man (if he could claim him for his own).

"Well, that's all, little goldy. I'll be going back to my dorm now, okay? You can go back to your room as well. I'll leave after you go inside." Not known to many, but Floyd is a total gentleman.

Riddle was looking at Floyd - heart racing and thoughts swarmed his mind, but he was already ready to go on to the next step.

Floyd looked back at Riddle, and his warm smile was not leaving his face - 'I love him so much!' Riddle thought to himself.

So, he totally took every courage that he had in his body and just blurted it all out.

"I love you, I really do. I didn't expect this gift, and I'm so happy right now. I love you with all my heart, Floyd. I'm sorry that it took quite some time, but I just want to say that I'm ready to take the next step." It was as if he was rapping - Riddle thought.

Floyd on the other hand was surprised and suddenly felt a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

The merman has been courting Riddle for quite some time, so to hear these words from Riddle himself is such a blessing for him.

"Can I hug you?" Floyd asked for Riddle's consent and the Heartslabyul housewarden just nodded at him.

Floyd was so ecstatic that he immediately hugged Riddle (but still with utmost care, as Riddle was still holding his gifts that he gave him earlier).

"Thank you and I love you too! I love you most, my little goldy!" Riddle can see the joy from Floyd's voice, and he just nuzzled along from their warm hug (carefully holding Floyd's gifts using his right hand).

It took some minutes or so before they broke from the hug, and both Floyd and Riddle's faces were painted with a pinkish red shade of blush.

"So, lover?" Floyd asked - for assurance that he got it right.

"Lover." Riddle answered - a smile still hasn't left his face.

Both were feeling ecstatic, loved, and joyful, but the sound of the campus bell shook the both of them.

Upon hearing the sound of the bell, Riddle pouted, as he needed to go back to his dorm to guide everyone from their upcoming events. Being a housewarden is a labor itself.

Floyd must've caught on, so he ruffled Riddle's hair.

"Silly! We'll still see each other tomorrow. I understand that you still have some things to do, so don't worry, little goldy." Floyd assured Riddle.

The gentle ruffles made Riddle giggle and Floyd was so in love once again.

"Before you leave, may I ask something?" Floyd asked.

"What is it?" Riddle was curious at the sudden question, but at the back of his mind, he wanted Floyd to kiss his forehead or his nose or his lips.

"Is it too fast if I ask your consent for a kiss?" There's a bit of hesitation in Floyd's voice, but he was so good at concealing it - Riddle thought to himself.

"Nope, and you may. Was just thinking of the same thing." Riddle was giggling while saying this to Floyd.

Both of them just laughed and adored each other so much. Riddle was even thankful that Floyd was always asking for his consent, which he clearly loves about the guy.

After composing themselves, Floyd held Riddle's chin and gently kissed the housewarden's forehead.

Riddle pouted, because he thought it was on the lips. He dreamt it long ago that Floyd kissed him on the lips, so he was really bothered at times - mostly shy when he looked at Floyd.

Floyd just laughed, upon seeing that Riddle was already in a pout. He wanted to tease the housewarden more, but he himself is weak towards Riddle.

So, without giving it much thought, Floyd gently kissed Riddle on the housewarden's nose, then on both of his cheeks, and lastly on Riddle's soft and plump lips.

Both of them were so ecstatic, as the kiss was gentle and sweet - it felt like they were in a paradise of their own, and upon knowing that both of them were each other's first kiss, it's more meaningful.

Although it was just a quick peck, the both of them are a blushing mess.

"So, see you tomorrow? I guess?" Riddle broke the ice, still blushing hard and shy.

"See you tomorrow, my little goldy. Thank you!" Floyd answered, before plunging himself into Riddle - to give the housewarden a one last hug before they go to their respective dorm today.

They both giggled, before deciding to call it a day. Riddle went back to his dorm - upon knowing that Riddle already went in, Floyd also decided to go back to Octavinelle.

Floyd and Riddle were grinning from one ear to another - although both were in different places, they can't just stop themselves from being overjoyed with their now elevated romantic relationship.

end of written parts

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- THE END - 

[alwaysbeyondhope]

I’m in the Lempicka discord server. I was scrolling through and one person commented about Sunday’s closing show and said she was sitting next to someone who had never seen it before, and how strange that experience must have been, to see it for the first time on its closing.

I don’t know if I was that person, but I did see it for the first time on Sunday 5/19. I’ve been struggling with finding the right words to describe it, and I’ve been angry with myself about it, but I think I can muddle my way through it now.

I don’t like to be “spoiled” before seeing a show, especially one I’m really invested in. So I didn’t go out seeking audios or videos or plot points or summaries or anything for Lempicka. Originally I was going to see it with my sister on 5/25. And then I had plans to get more tickets and see it more times. Getting tickets to closing was a separate panicked adventure.

What I knew of Lempicka before walking into the Longacre theater on 5/19: Woman Is; sapphic love; Polish-American art deco painter; I knew it would be my new obsession

Walking in and seeing all of the community, younger and older queers, all emotional, crying, rallying around each other…I had never been in an environment like that before. Never. And I felt a bit out of place because I didn’t know the show like they did, I didn’t know the actors and characters and creative team. I didn’t know the fans. I felt out of place, but I also felt welcomed, if that makes sense.

I had gifted my second ticket to someone who had been very involved in the fan community, so they talked with me, introduced me to other people. Let me cry on her shoulder, grab her hand during Act II when Things Happened and I wasn’t at all prepared for them.

I was sobbing at Unseen. I sobbed through most of this show - when I wasn’t laughing or having a very real Gay Panic moment for Amber Iman (seriously she took my breath away and it punched me in the gut).

These were body-wracking tears. Holding myself, shoulders shaking, trying to be as quiet as possible as I was thrown down this emotional rollercoaster, this beautiful and heartbreaking and innovative show.

I didn’t know what to do with myself at intermission. I mostly just stood while Rosie talked with other people. I spoke with her a little about shared trauma. They listened to me, I listened to them.

Second act killed me. Like I didn’t know anything, it was great and then it was painful and then it was over and everything hurt. Everything hurt.

I want so much more for this musical. I want it in the West End. I want a proshot. I want the cast album to win a Grammy. I want like fifteen different lyric tattoos from this show, three fine line outline tattoos of naked women, I want this show to take off and I want Broadway producers to go fuck themselves and learn a proper lesson.

I don’t know what I meant for when I started this post. Probably not where I ended up. But I’m too exhausted and devastated to think clearly. And I never clean up tumblr posts because why, it’s my own brain dump. Anyway. Please cry with me about Lempicka but also understand that I’m a baby about it and I don’t know much more than one closing performance but my love for it is there.

[bacchicly]

List day + a bit of journaling

I am feeling sorry for myself today - amid a mix of other emotions and I know that when I start to get resentful of the universe it can lead to bad things...especially if I push it down or try to pretend that everything is fine. The challenge is I feel guilty about feeling cheated. I compare my pain to those around me and know that I actually have it pretty good...VERY good. But feelings...they don't understand scale and feelings are not there for anyone but me. If I am to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend (isn't it annoying that hackenied advice like that is actually good? Gah.) I have to tell myself I am allowed to feel what I feel and not worry about it...not feel guilty...but yes make a choice to express it in a way that will not hurt those I care about and love. Express it in a way so that it doesn't poison future moments. I need to lean into my decision to live like I matter and that I deserve care and that I may not be able to choose how I feel but I can take steps to choose how I express them. (Oh god...it's like I am turning into an after-school special...a televangelist or pop psychologist...blech).

Context - I took this week off partly because my kid was supposed to be at school this week and had an overnight school trip planned for tonight...but...and I 100% know it is worse for them...they are coughing too much to go. So they are going to be home today and tomorrow and then into the weekend. And my time I planned to spend mostly alone doing chores or hanging out with my husband is now not going to happen.

Ok so what am I feeling?

Afraid- I had things to do this week and frankly I have done none of them yet. And I know I can still do them but having my kid here makes it more complicated and there is no way I am going to get as much as I hoped done...and I know people always tell you that there are more things in life than a clean house...but guys? Mine is not untidy. It is filthy. It is covered in pile and piles of stuff - not all of it mine of course - but that just makes it more complicated to tackle. If it was all mine - yes it would be easier - but then I would also be alone and not have the good things. Easy is not always good. Simple is not always the more beautiful choice...But if I am choosing a life that is complex....then I need to bring more complex skills to the table. I need to give myself the gifts of time and kindness and space to practice them.

Gah. I need that meme...the one that is about taking my stupid body for a walk...or the grumpy penguin making valentines...

You know what I hate? I hate that manslowe's hierarchy of needs makes it seem like it's a linear process that if you are self actualized you have clearly mastered the lower stuff. That is fucking hooyie. I am great at self actualizing. I am terrible at some of the lower stuff and so are many maybe most of us. Fuck you manslowe. (No don't come at me I know that wasn't exactly what the pyramid was trying to say...but the long term impact has not been good...well except the legacy of those memes that alter it. I fucking could eat those.

Ok. So what else do I feel?

Angry? Disappointed? Why me? Frustrated?

Yeppers. Life is sometimes not fair and it is no one's fault. And I am allowed to feel that shit. I deserve to. It's part of life's tapestry. But...I can choose how I process it. I can learn new skills. I can vent to strangers and friends on the internet and not be a jerk (knock wood) to my family. I can sit and let the feelings take me on their glorious rollercoaster. I can enjoy thinking about why anger is so much more comfy for me than fear or sadness or helplessness. I can think about how lucky we are to have petty disappointments and tragedy (for now at least) and use this time to practice my skills for when it is harder. When I don't have time or space to process right away. When it is something harder and less clear cut - with far fewer upsides. Using tragedy to practice for tragedy feels gross and grizzly in some ways... but at least it is doing. At least it makes me stronger and less likely to hurt people I love. At least it makes it easier to ask for what I need to keep going.

I downloaded a new app... Designed to help manage ADHD...it costs a fair amount for the year - but about the same as one massage or therapy appointment - and I have a 7 day trial. So I am trying to decide if it's something I should commit to. It's confusing though because I know my first while with anything new is a honeymoon...and eventually I will disengage. But I am working on taking that into account but also not not taking opportunities because of it. I think this could be good for me. Therapy has fallen by the wayside for now... And my other apps aren't working. This is working right now...but...while I have no plans on changing...change will come. Friends or myself will have life things that may prompt us to either change apps or the app itself may cease to exist or even if I use tumblr ...or the list day thing may just stop working...I mean it morphs regularly already and works sometimes and not others. So I just need to keep swimming. Fortunately I love swimming.

I think though...this new app and tumblr could work well together for awhile. And me going through the structured learning and activities wouldn't hurt. And not actually having to talk to a therapist means...well it's a bit like writing fan fiction...I can jump right in...I don't have to paint the picture and go through the usual rigamarole of having to explain the nuances of my character and life to give the therapist context....which tends to just make me feel defensive and kind of bored. My life is so far from anyone's textbook...it's hard to catch people up quickly (and then they want to keep telling me "everyone" feels that way about everything and I just feel like shouting ...keep up! I know that! I am not stupid! Besides if I want to take an hour out of my schedule to talk to someone...I'd rather spend time with someone I am allowed to love and care about or at least produce things with...therapists can only be therapists. You aren't allowed to be friends or write a play together or draft new policy. And it's unfair because they are always such interesting and dynamic people. No. I will talk here. I will paint the walls of my blog and write fan fic and then have coffee with my husband and go camping with my kid. I will carve out time to finish the plays I am writing and email the director I was talking to last week and arrange to do a reading of one of my WIP.

Yes I have mental stuff. Yes I have physical stuff. Yes I have a difficult but rewarding job. Yes I have a difficult but wonderful home life. But that's what life is. Plot. Improv. Contribution.

Ok I feel better. I can and will do this life thing. One step.... One blog post... One list at a time. There is too much beautiful and terrible not to. I will kiss the damn whole thing open mouthed. I will fucking make a meal of it. I will go big and be home!

Ta da! Tra la! Ok now for my list. It is 11:43... And I have the whole damn day to make the world a bit of a better place...

Ok

Journal - ta done!

Make list - started!

Go downstairs and make lunch for me and my gang.

Eat and watch Golden girls with my kid. Tell them how proud I am of them for making the decision to stay home (I was ready to make a decision if pressed but instead I did a good job of setting it up so my kid could make the decision on their own. I am proud of that.)

Do the dreaded dishes but revel in how brave and awesome I am at it - even the yucky parts. Take that stupid dishes! I will set a damn timer for an hour (audio book) and race to finish. Stay on task!

Clean out the fridge drawer of death. Light sabers optional.

Find the library book that is tragically overdue. See if I can still return it or if I have to pay the replacement fee. Get my library card reinstated. (If you guys ever think ADHD is not a thing or that I am not the poster child...we'll give your head a shake.

Sit at the library for an hour or so and do whatever the fuck I want. Delicious.

See where I am at.

If you read this far...or even just skipped to the end. Thank you for being here. Whether you comment or like or just lurk and leave nothing...please know just by being a witness to this tiny side show you are making a difference. Me being able to use this space ...to feel like someone out there is watching... It helps a lot. It makes me much stronger and more likely to behave in a way I can be proud of. It means I do less harm. So thank you.

[keithal]

Do you have any supernatural fic recs?

ANON. i have been waiting since 2019 for someone to ask me this. prepare to regret this decision (FYI: i'm taking all these recs & following notes from my public bookmarks on ao3, which you can find here. i'm cutting the notes short, so if u don't mind spoiler-y drawn-out comments, check that out too if u want!)

deancas focused:

A Reasonable Amount of Trouble by xylodemon -> an spn au where dean is a p.i. and a hunter on the side, cas is still an angel, and they get caught up in a plot that's a mix of seasons 4, 6, 8, and 9. this was my introduction to spn and deancas. the characterization is flawless and the prose is beautiful (very cs pacat-esque). the plot is crafted with close attention to detail and the pacing is perfect

the point of our being by noviembre -> a post-s15 fix-it that takes place immediately after the penultimate episode. noviembre is undoubtedly my favorite spn writer of all time. one of the best dean voices i've ever come across. this ties up the narrative threads into a beautiful, sound, satisfying ending, and both destiel & saileen survive. despite the odds, they're happy.

i projected onto dean winchester when i was twelve years old and now im making it your problem by alittleduck (amidsizedfrog) -> another post-finale fix it. and, to date, the funniest thing i've ever read. every fic in this series has a good balance between scenes that make u laugh so hard u hurt ur throat and Scenes That Make You Want To Gurgle Cement.

So Says The Sword by komodobits -> a s4 au and a fandom classic for a reason. if u haven't read this, i'm of the firm belief it's best to go in as blind as possible. but definitely keep this verse in the back of ur mind while reading: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father" (matthew 10:29)

sir this is a wendy's by noviembre -> yall remember when misha collins said that a modern au deancas would be like if a wendy's janitor and the president of the usa fell in love? well noviembre took that seriously and now we're here. and u should all be thankful bc it's somehow the single funniest and most romantic thing i've ever read

the pie isn’t a metaphor (it’s just pie) by noviembre -> post-finale s15 domestic deancas fic that's the emotional equivalent of drinking tea and lying under a warm weighted blanket. it makes me so happy and i think abt it every time i eat a pastry. i just sit there chewing like “dean and cas are eating fresh pie in their kitchen” and it puts a smile on my face.

Muscle Memory by komodobits -> a "50 first dates" au that i think abt every single day. i'm not joking. it's so sad and touching and sweet and unexpectedly funny, and no one writes deancas like komodobits. it just FEELS so them and i'm obsessed w it.

Strandlines by aeli_kindara -> au where s4 cas meets stanford-era dean. dean's voice and characterization is incredibly in-character with the early seasons and his voice doesn't falter once. and of course castiel! robotic s4 cas with this tremendous power and this fierce yet wavering loyalty to heaven that eventually focuses solely on dean! likewise, his character is spot-on and i enjoyed reading from his pov immensely.

[podfic] right hand on his rife, swore it on the bible by be_brave13 for quensty, floorsirens -> u can't possibly expect me NOT to include this. YES my friend and i wrote the fic but be_brave13's love and appreciation for it makes it feel like a completely separate work. my favorite podfic (and gift) of all time so i implore u to give it a listen.

something suddenly everywhere by noviembre -> the finest post-s15 fix-it of all time. cas is in the empty, they've defeated god, jack is gone, and all that's left is sam, eileen, dean, a bunker, and trying to move on. i know i already said that but this is the same author so it still counts! i cried, i laughed, i grieved, i jumped from excitement. it's a rollercoaster of emotions. it should be put behind a velvet rope at a museum so we can all gather around and clap.

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess -> au where dean writes star trek fanfiction. it follows him from the beginning of the show to the older seasons and is told entirely thru his fic summaries, reader commentary, and livejournal dms. warning that it is unfinished, but it's a masterpiece

saileen focused:

Loveletter (Dear Eileen) by voynichs (Xenerik) -> a short and beautiful meditation about love and eileen from sam's pov. it's only 300 words but it feels like 15k. definitely at the top of my fave saileen fics of all time. when i first read it i stayed up until 2 am crying abt it

Livin' on a Prayer by Dredfulhapiness -> EILEEN MEETING EARLY SEASONS DEAN AND SAM I'M SCREAMING. do u understand how this could've changed the timeline but, more importantly, me as a person. eileen there when dean and sam were trying to find a way out of the deal, there when everything happened with ruby, there for dean's resurrection, there before they met cas, there after sam dies and dean retires and cas goes m.i.a. and DEALING with the aftermath of a foiled apocolypse. everyone hates the winchesters but the winchesters are gone and all that's left is eileen to deal with the brunt of it.

With Hands Clasped by Xenerik -> a handful of snippets from the eileen wedding that explores gender and religion and love so beautifully. i haven't been able to read it completely yet, but i can tell this is going to be another saileen fave.

other pairings/no pairings

The Love Story of the Runner Up by Margo_Kim -> told from the perspective of a guy cas had a brief affair with as a semi-drunken story he tells a friend in a bar. it's technically deancas but since cas's relationship with another man takes main focus, i elected to put it here.

Ten Years by Margo_Kim -> a bela talbot character study and the best i've been able to find, no contest. *rowena voice* good girls are pathetic here's to evil skanks <3

The Archangel Gabriel Is Dead by seizethefire -> fics that have half a million kudos in my mind. it's about how and why rafael comes to think that god is dead. it expertly explores the familial relationship between gabriel, lucifer, michael, and rafael. it's devastating and beautiful in equal measure. definitely a personal favorite and one i think everyone should read

put them in a box somewhere by amidsizedfrog -> a mary & dean fic told from mary's pov from before she died. a gut-wrenching story about performative/toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia and mothers.

lastly, if ur interested, i also write spn fic >:) which u can find by clicking here. happy reading!

[heidisbooknook]

Powerless - Lauren Roberts Review

  ┏━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━┓

➺ Well, congratulations to Lauren Roberts for making me forget I have a job and responsibilities. Who needs those, anyway??

You guys already know…it’s time for another book review.

(p.s I'm still trying to figure out if I finished this book or if this book FINISHED ME. I fear I’ll never recover.)

Powerless - Lauren Roberts

I'll admit it—I'm a total sucker for a charismatic guy with a sharp tongue and sass. Kai Azer is unlike any character I've encountered, and I fear no one will ever hold a candle to this man from here on out. This book put me through a rollercoaster of every emotion possible and I was crying, screaming, throwing up, running laps…I was practically doing somersaults off the walls!

And with that note..Let’s begin:

“Mark my words, prince, I will be your undoing.” I lean in, ignoring the knife against my throat as murmur, “Oh, darling, I look forward to it.”

❥ Overall Story: This book unfolds the journey of (FMC) Paedyn Gray, a resilient and strong-willed protagonist, alongside (MMC) Kai Azer, Prince and future Enforcer of the kingdom. (also a shameless flirt but more on that later) Paedyn's life took a tragic turn when she witnessed her father's murder as a child, after which she fled from her home and adapted to living life on the streets of Loote as a clever thief and adept pickpocket. And where she shortly after met her best friend Adena. 

Years ago, the kingdom was ravaged by the Great Plague. And most of those who survived were gifted elite abilities. The Elites. And those who weren't so lucky dubbed ‘The Ordinaries’ and were either slaughtered or exiled to The Scorches. Unfortunately our protagonist Paedyn lacks these special elite abilities and in lue of trying to blend in, adopts the guise of having a Mundane power: psychic abilities.

However, when Paedyn saves the Prince's life, she is abruptly thrown into ‘The Purging Trials’—a series of trials where elites battle each other, with only one emerging victorious.

Unfortunately for Paedyn, who is lacking in an elite ability unlike her fellow contestants…She must play her cards just right in this brutal game of survival.

Quote here 

❥ Character Analysis: 

➺ Paedyn: I'm so thrilled with Paedyn's character. Lately, it feels like every female main character in fantasy novels is constantly playing the “oh poor me” card throughout the entire book and it seriously drives me crazy! Paedyn on the other hand, was so strong and badass, she knew what she wanted and she wouldn't stop until she got it. She stood on business and she didn't need help from anyone else to get where she needed to go, and I love that for her. Girlboss asf. (except for those few times she needed Kai’s help but shh that's not important right now)

I absolutely love her character development and she's probably my top female protagonist to-date. Also she's literally so funny, and her banter with Kai is immaculate. 

“Everything beautiful, everything bold, everything breathtaking, that is what I feel in her gaze.

That, and terrified. Terrified of what she is doing to me. She is a vision, a nightmare, a dream.

A grim reaper clad in black, come to steal my soul and my heart.

I've never seen something so beautiful, so bold, so blatantly wrong for me.

She is a devil. She is a deity.

She is a man's downfall in human form. She is my downfall.” -Kai Azer

➺ Kai: KAI AZER THE MAN THAT YOU AREEEEE. Yea so, I  was head over heels from his very first appearance in the book, let me be real. Paedyn Gray? You are so much stronger than me because I’d be giggling and kicking my feet before he even had the chance to say anything to me. Kai took me completely by surprise. He wasn't your typical brooding, mysterious, bad boy love interest. He was definitely mysterious and his backstory is so tragic. But that didn't stop him from being the funniest guy I've ever encountered in a book. He is so flirty and doesn't hold back. He's unabashedly interested in Paedyn and isn't shy about showing it. It's a very welcome change from most of the male leads in romantic fantasy these days.

“But I’m never sober around you, Pae. Never not drunk on every detail that is you.” -Kai Azer

❥ Romance: Oh. My. God. THE TENSIONNNNN. Lauren Roberts knows how to write tension scenes soo well. The banter in this book was impeccable, they just clicked so well together and every scene had me giggling and kicking my feet. Let’s just say my romance/tension annotation tabs take up a good 90% of the annotating I did. (Not that I’m complaining.)

The scene where they are dancing during the first trial?? Are you joking?? I’m absolutely obsessed. There are so many scenes I want to dive into, but I’ll restrain myself to avoid spoilers (though it's incredibly tempting).

If romantasy, banter, and extremely high tension is your thing. Read. This. Book. I'm not kidding! #Kaidyn

What are everyone's theories for this series? I would love to hear everyone's thoughts. Share them below!

“You’re a shameless flirt, Azer”“Only for you.”

Next up…Reckless 

❥ More Quotes:

“What do you want to call me?”

“I want to call you mine.”

“Remind me to make you smile like that again, when you aren’t dying, and I have all the time in the world to memorize it.” -Kai Azer

“She's confusing, captivating, and we're completely wrong for each other in all the right ways. She's a flame, and I'm going to get burned. An ocean and I'm going to drown” -Kai Azer

"My pretty Pae, what have you done to me?" -Kai Azer

“If I am to be her enemy, I want it to be because she loathes herself for wanting me.” -Kai Azer

“What the hell is wrong with you?”“Darling, that is a very loaded question”

“Are you undressing me, Gray?” 

“I mean, I can’t say I didn't think this day would come.” He adds with an amused whisper,

“Couldn't resist me, darling?” -Kai Azer

❥ Playlist:  Credit to RandomHouseBooks

➺ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0fczWree8BQ6EYGz0psvah?si=ee20255230bf4e45

❥ Moodboard/Fanart:

[brothersapart]

Can you give me some recommendations of g/t? I readed so much that I feel like I’m started to run out. Also I still can’t believe Oscar is older then bowman. When kiddo Sam meet kiddo Oscar and bowman. Bowman was like 5 year old or so and Oscar is like 8. I still can’t believe that.

Thx for your awesome work and how much you did for the g/t community. I Feels bad for asking a author twice

I never mind asks like this! And of course, everyone feel free to add your own recommendations, we all love some good g/t to read, whether it be old or new!

I often recommend Deanzilla and its sequel, but they also put out some short stories based in that universe that aren't as well known:

Frozen Memories

Sneezes

I find all of mamajamallama's stories to be bangers, personally.

Peacejojo is another writer from back before I started, and they had some fun supernatural g/t fics (and they were the ones who made most of the manips that got showcased in Deanzilla, an amazingly talented artist):

Trampled Underfoot

The Parting Gift

Now on to fics I found on Fanfiction.net, also mostly from before I started writing.

The Incredible Shrinking Sam (not to be confused with my own story, The Incredible Shrinking Winchester. I actually changed the name of mine so the two stories wouldn't be confused considering the nightmares I gave people)

World of Winchestercraft Do you like DND? Do you like Supernatural? How about a dash of g/t? Then this is the story for you! (Side note that this is an incomplete story and DO NOT send messages to the author begging for a continuation. Respect their decision to not continue)

WELCOME TO MY GARDEN

Control

A Supernatural Wonderland

Now we get to the Archive of Our Own fics, which definitely took me on an entire emotional rollercoaster:

A Study in Pocketlock

25c Pocket Guardian Angels (Destiel)

The Short Notice series, by story_monger:

Short Notice

Diminished Expectations

Small Victories

Coming Up Short

Big Developments

Little Angels (BIG time recommend, but there are very dark turns in the story, so beware)

Then I am, yes, the Bible that teaches you of freedom (If Supernatural had angels like NeonGenesis Evangelion)

What a list! And while going through stuff, I was a bit sad to see some other fics have been taken down, so those are lost to us.

You can also find links to all of the fanfiction people have written for Brothers Apart on my wordpress page. There's a ton of amazing stories in there as well!

As for Oscar and Bowman, I'm always entertained! Bowman is just a wee flit compared to the others in the supernatural crew, but remember Jacob is also just a wee babe in comparison as well! Sam and Dean would be doing a lot of babysitting whenever they run into the others at younger ages :)

Feel free to add any other fic recommendations to the bottom of this post!

[hypergamiss]

I feel like I’m juggling so many emotions regarding my relationship of 3 years. My bf and I met at work, I was very introverted and awkward. I knew he found me attractive but had no clue why he would. I was on cloud 9 that he liked me and genuinely on a very low key level thought he’d be my saviour in regards to my social anxiety and I how thought co workers viewed me(shy, boring, unapproachable, not very intelligent). In the 1st year, I received cute gifts, gifts that showed he listened and understood what I liked etc. he said he loved me within 2-3 months. that first year we had a lot of sex too, he took my virginity(was a bad experience but anyway) there’ve been moments my body would reject him. It was so odd cus I knew I loved him. As time went on, it felt like all I did was go to his house and watch tv. We had a bad Valentine’s Day where I got absolutely nothing. He then told me with his exes he never got them gifts, maybe dinner but that’s it. Then he was saying you’re on social media a lot that’s why you’re stuck on materialistic things.

Other things have been said and done that built so much resentment in me. I now create tests for him in my head eg “if he doesn’t visit me during my recovery period that means he doesn’t care like I want him to care.”it’s week two he’s visited me once but I also understand we work a 24/7 rota.

Writing this made me realise we have fundamental differences, such as how we show we care for each other. But in the beginning I was only eager to show how much we have in common so I sort of bent into his world in a way.

It sounds like you've been on a rollercoaster of emotions in this relationship, and writing it out helped you see some key points. Here are some takeaways:

Growth and Change: You were introverted at the start, but the relationship has helped you come out of your shell a bit.

Love Languages Don't Match: You crave gifts and acts of service as signs of love, while he doesn't express himself that way. This mismatch can lead to resentment.

The "Savior" Complex: It's not fair to expect your boyfriend to fix your social anxiety or co-worker perception. These are things you can work on yourself, perhaps with therapy, doing inner work, etc.

What to do next?

Open Communication: Talk to your boyfriend about what you learned from writing this out. Explain how his actions, or lack thereof, make you feel.

Focus on Your Needs: What kind of relationship do you want? What are your non-negotiables? Instead of "going with the flow," think about what makes you happy (and what doesn't).

Consider Therapy (Individual or Couples): A professional therapist can help you address your social anxiety and communicate more effectively with your boyfriend.

It's okay to have different needs in a relationship, but they need to be somewhat compatible. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated in a way that resonates with you. It's a big decision, but if your needs aren't being met and resentment builds, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

[ambarthecancer]

Notes on being 30

I’m turning 31 in a week, I’m excited, I love my birthday and I love growth and change. Before my birthday I like to reflect about the year I’m leaving behind in hopes of entering the new year with perspective. It has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least,a lot of good came in too and I’m learning from my mistakes, recovering from the pain and grateful for everything else.

Here are some thoughts, notes and humble advice on being 30:

I often tell my younger friends “make sure you get to your 30s with savings if you can”. I give this advice not in a “finance bro” type of way but in a “have money that can buy you some freedom” type of way. Freedom can be getting psychological/psychiatric help, a solo trip abroad, swimming classes, a year off work, whatever freedom is to you, save for it.

In my case, I landed here with no money, but since the universe works in perfect mysterious ways, I got fired from work and with the severance money, I bought myself 3 months off. I paid my credit card, I paid my student loan 3 months in advance, I started going both to the therapist and the psychiatrist to get the help I so desperately needed. It was the biggest blessing since I’ve been burnt out from work and life since summer 2022 and allowing myself time off without worrying about my live-hood was just exactly what I needed.

“Your new life will cost you your old one”

On a karmic level, your past comes creeping at you, all the lessons get back to check if you finally learned. I repeated a lesson from a decade ago. This time it took me less time to remove myself from the equation, even though it was even more heartbreaking than the first time. I learned my lesson the hardest way possible, it cost me blood and tears, but I did and for that I’m grateful. Life keeps showing us the same lessons until we learn, and it is important we do so or else we suffer.

On a lighter note, personally I feel very authentic at 30, I carry myself and all my past versions with honor and respect. Almost everyday I think teenage me would absolutely adore me, I’ve become the woman 12-17 years old me wanted to be. The greatest gift is that I like myself a lot, I like my own company, my sense of humor, my integrity, I like myself and the woman I’m constantly becoming plus I feel way cooler and more interesting than I did at 20.

I still have many fears but they are different now, I'm in less of a rush with everything, I started enjoying things more. I kind of understand why my mom made me say hi to people that met me as a baby. Life is about little moments, sharing with others and acts of kindness.

5 years ago I also realized something that has helped me navigate life and my 30s since: the most interesting thing about people isn't their job, their socioeconomic status, the money in their bank account, but the person they are and how genuine and kind they are. So I focus on that on being a better version of me.

Life is a journey to self and awareness, carry yourself with grace, be kind and fair, I wont say nice, but fair, because nice doesn’t really get you anywhere.

Anyhow, I’m alive so my life is in constant progress until the day I die. I'm not fully healed, I’m not fully aware, I’m not fully there, I’m just living. I have insecurities issues, self worth issues, I hold grudges, I’m bitchy and mean, I say hurtful things, I’m not a guru or guide of anything, I’m just a girl a few years older that wanted to share all of this.

30 is not an ending, it is a beginning and it is actually the right time to start over. Do not be afraid. Welcome life and every year on this beautiful earth with grace and try your hardest to find some joy in all of the small things.

[bourbon-ontherocks]

okay now for the meat of the matter (the seitan of the matter?) 🪥🪥🪥 oh, what an ep. what an ep. it was pretty much PER-FECT. excitedly talking about their date in hushed tones. morgane’s gift. le numéro de charme de mr. worldwide (you loved that bit, didn’t you 👀). adam opening up! and, yeah, the kiss--wherever he is, I know sofiane is smiling upon them, glad to have played a (weird) part in his brother getting some action, lmfao. (btw, little brother confirmed!! yay!!) 

morgane’s betrayal, aouch aouch aouch 😍 she hated every second of it and it still came back to bite them in the ass. wonderfully angsty 💙💜 the way adam’s face falls when he figures it out, AURGH!! the fact she sabotaged their perfect date to protect serge the only way that wouldn’t make her, in adam’s eyes, Un Nid À Problèmes who needs constant assistance--and in the end her worst fear comes true--yet adam takes it upon himself to protect serge (and morgane by extension) because he may hate her guts but he can’t to that to her--she asks him not to as a last-ditch effort to show she doesn’t want to use him and aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I died many times over the course of this show but that time was for real, absolultely perfect, elle n’a jamais voulu le blesser mais c’est terminé, morgane !!!!!!!!  

thank fuck I died there and then actually because, hum. you know. let’s bask in the warm glow of brosse adam one last time and remember the rollercoaster of emotions they’ve taken us on 🥲

Lol, took me a while to understand why you were turning the meat into seitan but then I couldn't stop laughing, this is incredibly appropriate 😅

So. Yeah.

I'm not sure I have anything else to add to everything you said, because Brosse Adam's arc in this episode was. perfect. ❤️❤️❤️

(which makes it even more infuriating that they ruined the absolute, beautiful perfection of what would have been otherwise my favourite episode in the entire show in its last two minutes but I'll get to that in my next post)

I loved how cute and excited they were about the date, I loved Morgane's gift and the way Adam is already projecting onto seeing her kids more often ("ça va être pratique pour votre famille, ça" -> oui tu penses à quoi Adam, dis-nous tout ? 😏), I loved the almost kiss although I rolled my eyes a little about Mehdi Nebbou's blatant linguistic brag (what makes you think I'd love that bit? 😂 Although I can tell that @earanie understandably lost her shit about it, I remained much quieter than during the actual kiss lol. Oh by the way, Adam's line in Italian means "But Morgane, if you keep asking me such questions I'm gonna kiss you" if you didn't have it yet, and also I want to add that IL L'A VOUVOYÉE EN ITALIEN AUSSI 😱 while as far as I know, the formal you is less used in Italian than in French, especially in this context, ce mec me tue 🤦), I loved the nachos nonsense (was it supposed to be a dish or just appetizers?), I loved that he opened up indeed (also "on va jouer à un jeu [...]" "Je déteste ça." "Ok super" 😂😂😂), c'est le retour du nouvel Adam 🥲

What did you think about Sofiane's backstory? I know you weren't very into the idea of Adam being too tied with it re cheap guilt etc, personally I find that it's a bit much, but also you can tell that Adam is feeling unreasonably guilty about it.

Speaking of which. Sofiane broke his back while Adam was "kissing [his] first girlfriend" which must have cast a very dark shadow over EVERY relationship he's had ever since 😱 I can imagine that this is where his fear of intimacy comes from, and also he must have had a sense of shame and guilt dooming his whole love life, not to mention that he used to LIVE with Sofiane, can you imagine bringing a girl home and having to literally face what happened the very first time you did that? This man for sure has a taste for emotional torture 😏

Also, vous aussi vous mettez votre plus grand trauma comme mot de passe de votre PC pro ou c'est juste lui ? Asking for a friend... 😆

(and I never doubted the younger brother thing, Sofiane does look more juvenile than Adam)

Now the Kiss™... If I start talking about it we're still there by midnight, but phewwwwww, it was EVERYTHING ❤️😍😱🥵🔥🙊 Morgane can bear triplets in season 4 for what I care, as far as I'm concerned, the show ended after they kissed and she betrayed him. Period.

So, the betrayal. Screeching along with everything you said because DAMN YES, it hurts so bad but it's so perfectly angsty, and the fact that he still protects her in the end because HE STILL CARES, her asking him NOT TO, the way you can tell the break-up hurts them BOTH so bad, the IRONY of Morgane trying not to ruin things by actually ruining them, I'm sorry I'm just parroting you at this point but 🥹🥹🥹🥹 And also the line that shattered my heart, "J'avais tellement envie que ça marche entre nous" -> SHE'S OPENLY ADMITTING THAT SHE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM OH MY GOD IT WAS NICE KNOWING Y'ALL BUT NOW I'M GONNA DIE BYE ⚰️⚰️⚰️

As far as I'm concerned, the season ends with Morgane being dragged away by a fireman. Hospital who?

🤡🤡 What an amazing, heart-wrenching season finale we had guys, I can't wait to see how they'll try to mend their relationship in season 4!! Also, the stakes must raise so maybe they'll finally hookup too! 🤡🤡