islabookishmind

[feral-balatron]

Does anyone else ever fuck up and refer to themselves as "we"

Who is we? Little audience of silly men who live in my head you aren't me >:(

Identity theft

[clowningcrows]

when noah kahan said, “i’m terrified that i might never have met me”……….. yeah

[jamiebluewind]

Looking for book suggestions and resources for autistic adults, ESPECIALLY about what to do if diagnosed as an adult (I'm also nonbinary and afab if that helps). I'm overwhelmed by everything out there and it's hard to sort through what's good solid information, what's outdated, and what to stay away from (I've already been told to avoid Autism Speaks).

I've only had my official diagnosis two days. It's kind of wild to learn that things I attributed to my ADHD, PTSD, generalized anxiety, and depression were just... autism. Like, learning about autistic burnout and meltdown is making a lot of things make more sense. I want to learn more about autism so much (and maybe learn some new coping techniques?), but I keep hitting wall after wall of bad information and ableism. I know I'm probably just screaming into the void and hoping the void answers back, but I gotta try.

[the-guilty-writer]

Statistics, Rubix Cubes, and Waiting Rooms

Request: You can read the original request and headcanons based off the request here.

Spencer Reid x daughter!reader

Summary: Your dad, Spencer, sits with you as you wait for your psychological testing to begin.

A/N: I think Spencer with an autistic daughter who is late to get a diagnosis is my favorite thing to write about because it's self-indulgent for me as well as the people who gravitate towards my blog. Also, I made it so the reader is going in for psychological evaluation rather than just for autism since in my experience a psychologist will evaluate for multiple things rather than just for a target diagnosis when the screening process first starts (but this is just my experience and it may be different for others). Please note that autism comes in a spectrum (or rather a pie chart) for a reason, so this is by no means is a representation of the experience of every AFAB autistic person.

CW: talks about autism, misdiagnosis, reader recalling that she's been told that she just has anxiety, waiting room atmosphere, picking at skin

---

You never thought that a place could be too silent or too still. For years you had sought comfort in the quiet corners of libraries to avoid noisy lunch rooms and wrapped your arms around yourself on the metro to deaden the sensation of constant movement. But today, sitting in the near-empty waiting room of a psychiatrist's office, you strained your ears to hear something and looked around for movement that wasn’t there.

“(Y/N),” your dad, Spencer, whispered gently in your ear. “Sweetie, you’re picking at your fingers again.”

You looked down- the nail beds that your Aunt Penelope had so perfectly manicured just a few days ago were now ruined. You had pulled and picked away at the skin so much that it was fraying. There were a few places where you’d managed to pick away at the layers until it was pink and raw and close to bleeding. All without you even noticing.

“Something soft or something hard?” Spencer asked you.

“Hard,” you replied instantly. If you got something too soft, too moldable, too easy on your hands now, you might scream.

Your dad produced his old rubix cube from his pocket. The thing was ancient- older than you were- but that just made it more special. The joints rotated easily, but always snapped into place where you wanted them to. And it made just enough noise that it disrupted the deafening silence.

With the cube already mixed up you got to work. Part of you wanted to rush, but part of you wanted to take your time. Part of you wanted this to be over and part of you wanted it to never stop.

When you got to the last few moves and the colors still weren’t in place, you stopped your work and squeezed the object.

“Do you want help, or do you want to do it on your own?” Your dad asked.

“I want help,” you said.

You handed him the cube. Spencer twisted the cube a few times until it was the last move- the one that would put all the colors back into place. He handed it back to you and you rotated it one more time- the cube locking into place with a satisfying click. 

You breathed out, trying to let the tension in your shoulder go, but it didn’t seem to want to leave.

“What if-” you weren’t sure if you could articulate what you wanted to say. “What if it comes back as nothing we haven’t heard before?”

Lucky for you, Spencer Reid could basically read minds.

“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he said. He gently took the cube from your hands and misplaced a few of the colors- ones that you could easily put back in place- then handed it back to you. 

Thankful that your dad seemed to know exactly what you needed right then, you put the colors back in place. “But you’ve gone through all this trouble and taken all this time off work. What if all the tests say that it is just anxiety?”

You gave the cube to your dad again, who began to mix it up as he talked.

“I couldn’t find a definite statistic,” your dad said. “But it’s estimated that over 40% of girls with autism are misdiagnosed at least once with a mental illness or disorder before receiving an autism diagnosis. And most girls don’t receive a proper diagnosis until they’re in their late teens or early twenties.”

“So I’d fall into that statistic,” you said.

Spencer sighed and put the cube away. “You’re more than a statistic,” he said. “You’re my daughter. And that means I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that no matter what diagnosis you get it’s the right one so I can help make your life just a little bit easier.”

Your capacity for eye contact fluctuated- sometimes you couldn’t look at anyone or anything and sometimes the reflex to hold eye contact was so intense it felt like if you didn’t you would die. This was one of those moments, when you looked so deeply into your dad’s eyes that you could see your reflection and it felt like that was the only thing keeping you from exploding.

“(Y/N) Reid,” a nurse called from the door. You looked over to her and felt your hand shake nervously. “We’re ready for you.”

You swallowed and took a deep breath.

“Daddy?” You hadn’t called Spencer “daddy” since you were five, but at the moment it felt like you were five again- small and defenseless against the world with only your father (and his revolver) to protect you. “Can you come with me?”

Spencer smiled, tight-lipped and gentle. “Always.”

And just for a second, it didn’t matter what you got diagnosed with, because no matter what your dad would always know what you needed and he would always fight for you, no matter what.

[demontobee]

Autism and Invalidation

I just can’t believe how QUICK people are to invalidate your experience. Which is why it is so important to learn to love and validate yourself.

I was diagnosed with autism earlier last year, because I had done tons of research on the topic and I had gone through the arduous process of finding a place to get the assessment done. During this process, I constantly doubted myself, and I went through loops and loops of feeling like an impostor but also the need to get answers. The assessment process itself was hard on my self-confidence as well, since I felt weird and out-of-place as an afab person assessed by the white male boy standards of autism research. Nevertheless, I got my diagnosis after weeks of filling out questionnaires and feeling uncomfortable in interviews. Having a formal diagnosis relieved me to some extent, but it has not yet cured me from self-doubt and the feeling of shame that washes over me at the thought of feigning it just to get attention, to belong somewhere, to have answers. Since I got the diagnosis, I have made huge changes in my life, which has been wonderful and terrifying at once, and I’ve had more meltdowns than I can count. And I should be proud. I have managed to overcome hurdles like my life-long comfort zone, I am trying to set boundaries and I want to find out what really makes me happy, what I was made for.

And it is exactly this achievement that makes other people doubt the validity of my experience as an autistic person.

My current therapist, who has no specific expertise in autism (especially not in afab queer autistic beans), told me last week that she thinks I was misdiagnosed. Why? Because I am able to handle change so well, because I am a very reflected person who knows exactly what their problems are and how I am harming myself, because I am able to think critically about my parents and the way they raised and treated me. An autistic person, it seems, would not be able to so that.

Bullshit.

You know how I am able to do all these things that she apparently thinks are reserved for neurotypical people? I have been teaching myself, in an ongoing and nerve-wrecking process, how to handle change. I have been working on loving myself and respecting myself enough to want to make changes that benefit me and my well-being. Setting boundaries is a hard and heart-breaking process for me. It doesn’t come naturally to me and I often feel lonely or guilty. For as long as I can remember, my mind has been going round and round reflecting on my actions, other people’s reactions, normal behavior and so on. Reflecting for me is not a skill that proves how “normal” I am, it is a survival strategy. And it is about time I put it to good use instead of fueling my anxiety and my self-criticism with it.

Just because you are developing skills that help you learn to love and validate yourself does not mean your experience as an autistic person is not valid. Formally diagnose or not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[sunsetovertheocean]

Some of the many things that truly suck about being a high masking autistic person with a high IQ is that I'm never "autistic enough" to be "truly autistic," never "disabled enough" to be "truly disabled," that there are no accommodations I "actually need" because I do well enough in school so why would I need any help whatsoever right? (Wrong, very very wrong.)

And yet somehow at the same time, despite how hard I try, I'm never "normal enough," I'm always "weird" and "odd" and it doesn't matter how much time and energy I put into trying to learn how neurotypicals communicate and social cues and tone and facial expressions and everything else because it never works.

But somehow, despite the way everyone thinks I'm weird, no one believes me when I tell them I'm autistic. It's always "no, I don't think you are," or "but you don't look autistic," or "you can't be autistic," or "but you're so normal," or "everyone's a little autistic," or any of the other ableist things people always spew out.

You can't possibly know if I'm autistic or not if you don't go to my brain. You can't. You just can't. What is autism "supposed" to look like to you? A rich white five year old boy who's your nephew or something that has a special interest on trains? (And autistic people who fit that exact description definitely do exist and are just as valid) Because an afab LGBTQ+ Asian teenager "can't possibly" be autistic. I appear "normal" (despite the fact that my entire life you've been telling me the opposite) to you because I've learned how to mask from a really young age because people like you taught me that everything about me was inherently wrong. That everything about the way I actually am is something to be ashamed of, something to lock away in a vault behind bars out of sight, something no one can ever know because who would like me if they did? Because now that you've said that, you can be sure that I'm not going to feel safe enough around you to even begin to try to unmask. Not everyone is "a little bit autistic" you can't be "a little bit autistic" you are or you're not. Not everyone is autistic. If everyone was autistic it wouldn't be a diagnosis, if everyone was autistic then the world would be a more accepting place for autistic people (not to say ableist people won't still exist).

I know this is largely a "complain-y" post that doesn't really touch that much on the challenges that autism itself can bring and mainly just on the ableist people that I've had the displeasure of interacting with and this definitely doesn't touch on everything (not in the slightest), but on the other hand, why do people find it so weird that autistic people (and all people with disabilities) can and do (although not everyone does and that's completely ok too) feel proud to be autistic? Even though I hate some parts of being autistic, even though it's hard a lot of the time, why can't I be happy too? Why must I always have to be suffering in your eyes? What if I love obsessing over my special interests, what if I love stimming and the way it makes me feel, what if I love the way my brain works sometimes? What if even the things I hate I sometimes love and the things I love I also sometimes hate? And what if everything (whether I love it or hate it or both) is all a part of me? And everything is a part of me that I can't change or be "me" without, and why can't I be proud that despite the way some things are really really hard I'm still trying? That I'm still doing everything I can. Why can't I be proud that I'm a part of a community that has done incredible things and that has incredible people? I don't understand.

It's always either "you can't possibly be autistic because you're so smart" or "you can't possibly be smart because you're autistic" or both at the same time because for some reason that makes sense to people. It's either "let me infantilize you because you clearly can't do anything" or "let me except way too damn much from you because you must know everything" or both at the same time and none of it makes sense. Why can't I have both strengths and weaknesses? Why can't I both struggle and succeed? It doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense.

I'm a person. I'm an autistic person. Why is this so hard for neurotypicals to understand?

I just started ranting about the things at the top of my mind which then kind of spiraled into.... whatever this ended up being.

[liam-an-siorc]

My essay on my Fanny button might be autistic

Note: I have been thinking about this so much and now want to share it because I 1) seen others say the same thing 2) seen that the bbc ghosts fans won’t get mad over headcanons about autism and have a lot of them so that’s cool I will say now

Why Fanny button might be autistic 

In this essay I will tell you why I think Fanny button from ghosts is autistic and I think she’s a high masking autistic. It won't be a great essay but hopefully will get my point across. I researched high masking in women for this because that’s a specific thing and I really think it’s her I think it really explains a lot of her because Fanny can sometimes be misunderstood by other characters In the show and people who watch the show and there is a reason for this, fanny puts up such a character sort of like she acts so intense all the time and then it’s hard for people to really see past this but what I think happened to make her like this was that when she married George she started masking a lot more because we see in the Christmas special “he came” she was very different before she is very talented at math autistic people can be very talented in something and love it a lot a special interest perhaps* but she was told she can’t do this it’s for men now when I’m thinking about this I’m thinking a lot of this was impacted by the time she was in and being a woman in this time which is why I researched autism in women specifically masking is alot more common in AFAB people because of society alot so it can still apply here it’s just worth noteing the context and differences in society speaking of the time she was in an how society was then okay a common thing alot of autistic people say or feel is “its like everyone was given a book on how to be human at birth and mine was lost” that didn't attuly happen but that's just what if feels like and this is mainly referring to socialy but fanny did attuly get this book there where rules told to everyone then about how to act how to communicate and act around people how your ment to seem etc so when she married George and he did not love her she thought “I need to follow there rules better if I follow them completely he will love me” and she did she learnt these rules and followed them masking. What makes alot of people who may think Fanny is autistic think this is how hard she finds it to accept change now I have looked at the criteria for getting an autism diagnosis and she dose fit it the only thing is that traits had to have been there since you where a child and we can't know that because we never see her as a child for the sake of this we will assume she did so this here is the first part which is social.

A. Need to have persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

So to fit the first part of the autism criteria you need to have or have had persistent struggles I'm each of those areas as it says above so I will go through them now 

On this one I want to go back to thing thing about “it feels like everyone was giving a book at birth on how to be human and mine got lost” referring to social interactions but Fanny did literally have this book there where rules for social interactions and if you followed them then your doing good which is why I think she used these rules to mask but even if someone who is autistic is following all these rules sometimes and I dont actually know how i just heard that people who aren't autistic can still just tell that there is something different there is no way we can see this unfortunately because we only have bits of her life but we know she did have friends who she would mainly talk gossip with but moving on to her death which we have of course much more to go off she dose say very out of pocket things one example which I think alot of people think she was purposely trying to insult Alison but I think she was not really trying to do that she was saying amd making a point of how Alison seemed and that she was not lady like and following the rules whatever but i don't think Fanny saw an attualy problem with what she was saying and this is the “when you first arrived here I though you where a prostitute” she doesn’t really see how this could upset or offende someone she just speaking her mind with no filter she dose not have a filter even when following the rules she was given she still says things which she didn't realise she could not or would not be appropriate so I still think yes to this she dose communication in a strange way with the other characters she can be quite blunt and rude not knowing she is being because it fits within her rules that she knows. Another thing worth noting here is that fanny is closest with the captain who is also quite obviously autistic I think*2 and neurodivergent*3 people tend to become friends with eachother like that.

The main thing I can think of for this is In fanny's body language she always has the same pose same face on she dose notice others body language because she does give out to Alison from doing things not like a lady but again that is most likely learnt she learnt this is how a lady is meant to have her body language and she learnt exactly what to do and look out for when they did the panto for Alison she could not do a different character for fairy God mother and evil step mother the tone the body language was exactly the same despite them being obviously very different characters.

Fanny shows little interest in forming friendships with her fellow ghost, Martha Howe Douglas even says on the podcast that she doesn't like any of them I don't think this Is fully true but it is worth noting also note that many things said on that podcast where also not fully correct I think so it is to be taken with a grain of salt, Fanny definition of friends is “peers and intellectual equals” but a better definition is “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection” so she dose not understand friendships fully, I also think she tends to misinterpret others relationships for example when you read the book you can see how obvious George's affair with the butler and gardner was she also panicked a lot when she was briefly attracted to Mike she made it alot more dramatic than it really was it took her a while to catch on to the fact that she was being just as bad as Betty in the final and she did not notice the captain being gay either most of the ghosts noticed this. She again dose not fully know when she's being rude I don't think she doesn’t know what is and isn't appropriate to say to Alison and the other ghosts, she also viewed Alison as her own daughter which I did notice that but some people did not it was not the most clear on account of how rude she was to Alison so alot of people did not notice she dose not know why this matters and maybe thinks she's being A lot more obvious as a mother then she really is. Said before but diffrent context when they where doing the panto she could not do a difference between he fairy God mother and evil step mother very different character.

As well as that you also need to have three of the four traits I will put next 

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history 

Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

I will now go through if and when I think she shows these behaviors

So a lot of the ghosts do things like this more obvious ones would be the Captain, Mary and Robin I am being honest I don't notice these as much in Fanny but let's go through it, one of the main things people notice is in the captain and all the noises he makes mary pat and fanny do this also (+Robin echolalia) Mary more than Pat but Fanny does this also!! Listen to her there's a video somewhere on YouTube titled the sound of fanny or something she does the same sort of stimming noises that they do another thing this is a bit of overthinking perhaps but the way fanny stand her posture the way she holds herself if you look at it she does almost the same one all the time and it's like she holds her own hands and has then on front of her and she sort of moves around the hands now if you copy this posture and you hold your hands tight and you sort of move around the hands it's like hers so I think she's holding her hands tight she's trying to keep still but still moving around that suppressing stims??? Maybe I think so she also if you look close at her hands her thumb moves every so often and sort of very small strokes her hands this could be the stim that got out of her trying to suppress it if you look at her and if you look at the captain in that scene where havers gives him the letter about France surrendering and he runs to the window he is quite obviously If you watch it then you watch him as a ghost, suppressing stims the feel of that scene is very similar to the feel of fanny's scenes. Also when she was combing robins hair could also be a stim thing feeling textures can be a stim.

 This is why people usually if they do think Fanny is autistic think it, she can not handle change like at all it can not affect her ons bit and she can't deal with it she get really stressed and really annoyed about it she can not handle it, she does come around to change eventually for example the land being sold she gets very upset about it then she goes off she calms down she talks about it to Thomas and then she is okay she has a big reaction is very upset by it and then she regulates and eventually accepts it. I also think her insisting Alison follows all her rules to be a lady could be part of this. It is common in autism to care a lot about rules and get stressed if they are not followed but not everyone is like this. I definitely think that's part of this as well as other things. When mary got sucked off she panicked alot she first did not process it which delayed processing can also be a thing with autism I do think she shows this sometimes for example when Alison got pushed it took her a bit and then she got mad but that was also her thinking alot and being lost in thought, she doesn't really process it until Mary's moving on starts bringing up change in her life and now she realize something is missing this is going to be different and her friend is gone she has no idea what to do with herself after realizing this she just panics.

Fanny most definitely has fixations I think one of them was murder she wrote which she was very fixated on for a while so much that she brang it into her own life (death) if it weren't for that they would not have known about Lucy I do this also I try bring whatever I'm currently fixated on into every aspect of my life every project I do I learn new things because of it it really makes its way into your life, I also with Dante Dante the stuffed dog I'm not sure is that an object because it was a dog but now is it still a dog or an object dog or and object/dog? But yes, saying you love a stuffed dog more than anything In the world I think is an unusually strong attachment to a thing. Another note is that she is very good with animals. She had a lot and I think I heard that that is common with autistic people but I'm not sure.

Now this one is a bit harder because she is dead but I said before but combing robins hair sensory seeking feeling textures she very much did not like it when she had to go I'm the basement because she did not like the plague ghosts or the environment for sensory reasons could be both this one is more hard because they don't feel everything In death so I do not know.

So Fanny Button dose fit the autism criteria the best I can try prove that I am not a doctor I just really love ghosts and i think this explains a lot about her character 

In conclusion I believe fanny button is autistic I believe she fits the criteria for autism and I think she is specifically a high masking autistic I think without that detail it doesn't make sense but I love this theory because it makes her make sense and it helps you to think about her character better.

Goodbye 

Notes 2

*the maths thing was never mentioned after that though but you can have multiple special interests so I could be that and something else like maybe all her ladylike rules or her pets gossip don't know

*2 I also think mary is autistic specifically they all have traits lots of them and I'd say I could do this for most of them but it is worth noting, noting that's all we can completely ignore it after this but in TV shows the characters they are people but they are different then people so it's much easier to see autistic traits and traits of anything like for example personality disorders that maybe if they were a real person it would not be the same but that's it I love all the theory's regarding this and they all fit and make sense 

*3 yeah they are all neurodivergent probably also I think Fanny and the captain are very similar and show a lot of there autistic traits in the same way or similar 

hopefully all this information is correct thank you for reading if you have anything to add I would love to hear it

[yawpyawp]

autism non-diagnosis venting

honestly i’m really devastated to hear this test guy say it’s JUST adhd + depression and not also autism because i’m ALREADY BEING TREATED FOR ADHD/DEPRESSION AND THE TREATMENT ISNT WORKING? LIKE I GET WORSE WITH TIME :(

(also it's like,,,statistically unusual to NOT have ASD in my family)

he was like "conclusively i think you don't have autism bc all of ur autistic traits show up as sub-clinical when it comes to A. attention span, B. social skills, and C. neuroplasticity"

(despite the fact that i am A. diagnosed ADHD, B. a formerly high-masking AFAB person who is captivated by the mysteries of socialization/communication, C. a designer who actively practices flexible thinking every day)

and the clinician basically was like “i literally don’t have anything else to suggest to you but to keep trying the same things u have already been doing”

i’ve literally been doing these treatments since i was 19 (i'm 32!!!) and i have gotten WORSE. i've done HUNDREDS of hours of the kind of therapy the clinician suggested i do as a next step, like HUNDREDS of hours of CBT

and then he was like 'this looks like u just have adhd + trauma' ('the car crash when u were 5 is why u have sensory problems and u can't have close relationships') BUT I HAVE DONE HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF THERAPY TRYING TO ASSESS THIS AND THE THERAPY SUGGESTED I DON'T HAVE ACCUTE TRAUMA!!! i literally did MONTHS of group therapy IN A TRAUMA GROUP!!!! and the conclusion was that THAT is not my experience!!!!!

(to be fair i have also experienced HEAD TRAUMA cuz i had two concussions as a kid lol so i guess early childhood TBI is another route to explore lol because my other next step is TMS and i don't wanna do the brain magnets)

but basically i feel like i'm just going in circles

i literally don't know where to go from here???? like i just have to keep feeling like this???

i feel like i learned NOTHING in this process other than i’m not trying hard enough to function and i want to literally unalive myself lololo i'm literally fucking DONE i am bringing back the diagrams

ANYWAY i asked this guy follow up questions for 1.5 hrs (we were scheduled for 45 mins) and based on his reaction to my questions i feel like i was LAWYERING him by asking critical questions about how he arrived at his conclusions. like after i literally googled "am i a psychopath?" and took one of those online quizzes because i was like 'wow dod i go too hard on trying to get this expert to bend to MY pov?'

[loveislattes]

Newbie

Summary: The newest survivor brought in by the entity is having a rough go of it. Between learning the rules and ways of the trials and dealing with the struggles of autism, depression, and anxiety, the reader hasn't exactly made many friends in the survivor's camp; but maybe, just maybe, she'll find friends elsewhere.

Word count: 3.3K

Relationship: Ghostface/Reader (May add more as chapters go on)C

Content warnings: Reader is a plus-sized AFAB with autism, depression, and anxiety. Danny is still an asshole and very chaotic but he has a heart specifically for the reader only. Descriptions of autism and mental health issues (based on my personal experience), one instance of sensory overload, ableism from other survivors (from ignorance, not malice), oral (male receiving), dom/sub power dynamics, mild asphyxiation, and knife play.

A/N: I'm hoping to make a few more chapters to accompany this one, but we'll see how it goes lol. Also, this is my specific headcanon for how Danny acts. It may not be everyone's cup of tea but it is mine :)

Depiction of my version of Danny, for reference <3

“So, what do you guys think about the new girl?” Claudette whispered conspiratorially. 

“She’s uh- She’s different, that’s for sure.”

Dwight’s words were quiet but you could still hear them across the campfire. You purposefully made sure your eyes stayed locked onto the flames before you, not wanting to give any indication you could hear them discussing you. In all honesty, you didn’t mind hearing it because you needed realistic feedback; feedback none of them had been willing to supply so far. 

“She’s not any good in chases, too slow; hell, even she herself said that she wasn’t ‘built’ for it,” Kate scoffed quietly, “At least she’s good at pushing through gens, even under threat.” 

At that, you could feel your cheeks warm up. You weren’t expecting the praise, but also the little side comment about your weight didn’t feel great either. It was the harsh truth though. While able to run a decent sprint, you weren’t a marathon type of person. You did some cardio and weights before, but nothing near enough to prepare you for this place. 

Dwight's speaking drew your attention back to them once more. 

“Her medical knowledge is top notch though! The fact that the entity brought us a nurse was really lucky,” he added kindly, “Even Claudette’s healing pales in comparison.”

Even without shifting your gaze, you could see the pissed-off scowl the botanist threw his way. If you weren’t trying to hide your little spying session, you’d laugh in her face, but alas, you didn’t want to piss off the only people around that weren’t trying to actively kill you.

You were the newest to the survivor's camp, having only been dragged into the fog a few weeks ago at most. It was hard to tell as there was no actual passing of time, but you’d tried to keep count of your periods of sleep and it seemed somewhere around fifteen days had passed, give or take a few. Any optimistic dreams of getting out of the trials and back to your world were quickly diminishing, your hope replaced with fear, confusion, and hatred. 

It didn’t help that you had a hard time connecting with your teammates. Part of the issue lay in your lack of knowledge of the trials and the other came from your lack of social understanding. It wasn’t that you weren’t trying, but it seemed no other survivor had any sort of experience with autism or even any mental health issues. Some just right down didn’t care to and called your diagnosis an excuse- Those were the ones you made sure to avoid other than when necessary. There were some, though, who were friendly enough and tried to include you, namely Laurie, Dwight, Ace, Jeff, Steve, and Mikaela. They were the ones you had the most hope for.

Fuck, how you longed to be back home. 

“Well, looks like it’s time again.”

Laurie’s words shook you from your thoughts and you looked down just to see the fog crawling up your legs. 

“God damn it,” you bit out under your breath. 

Before you could figure out who was going into the trial with you, the world went dark and, within the next blink, you were in an all-too-familiar courtyard. Of course it was Midwich, one of the strongest realms for the killers. You only hoped you weren’t going against someone who benefitted from the particularly long empty hallways. The thought of facing the nurse down those corridors made your skin crawl. 

With a little sigh, you made your way around the hedges to the sole generator in the courtyard. You couldn’t help but let your thoughts wander as you began to connect the wires before you. What killer could it be this time? You hadn’t met them all yet, but you’d heard about them from the others. The fact you had yet to hear any sign of the killer, or feel that familiar panic of your heart racing when they were nearby, alluded to the possibility of a stealth killer. You hoped with all your might that it wasn’t Michael Myers. He was notorious for being ruthless, bringing gifts from the entity that allowed him to kill you on the spot without any prelude and the ability to track you even beyond the walls. It was terrifying. Out of the limited killers you had faced, he was the worst. 

“Well, well, I’d heard there was a new survivor but Evan and Anna failed to mention how hot you were!”

The sudden voice behind you sent you into a proper panic, your scream only drowned out by the exploding of the generator as you jerked back to face the unknown intruder. When your eyes locked onto the white screaming mask, your heartbeat raced even louder in your chest. 

Ghostface. Another killer you’d yet to meet. The others had mixed reviews about him when sharing their stories. Apparently, he was very hot and cold in his trials. Sometimes he would be merciless, hooking everyone without a second thought, and other times he would play cat-and-mouse games and allow one or two who had sufficiently entertained him to escape. 

“What, don’t tell me you’re mute, sweets,” he cajoled.

His head tilted to the side in an almost cute manner and you found yourself ruminating on the sound of his voice. It was obviously going through some kind of filter but the low timber was certainly- No, fuck, you wouldn’t let yourself even touch that thought! 

“N-No, sorry, I just- You startled me,” you explained quietly.

The fact he hadn’t thrown you over his shoulder yet was both a relief and terrifying. Was he in a good mood today? As you debated your chances of survival, he took a step forward, and you instinctively stepped back, the dance continuing until your back pressed into the cold steel of the gen. 

“What do you want, Ghostface?” you asked. 

His hands came to rest on either side of you with a deep, rumbling, chuckle and you were made painfully aware of how much taller he was when he boxed you in. As you stared up at him, you couldn’t help the way your face lit up in response to the sudden intimate position.

“Glad to see my reputation proceeds me,” he teased, “Tell you what, I’ll go easy on you this first time… if you do something for me.” 

Blinking slowly in thought, you tried to figure out what you could possibly do for someone who held all the power, but then his hand was on your jaw, squeezing your chin hard as he jerked your face up to meet his. 

“Whatdya say, sweets?” 

Swallowing hard, you murmured back, “What would I have to do?” 

You could practically hear the smirk on his face as he cackled loudly, gloved hand releasing your chin only to pat your cheek as if soothing a child. 

“Mmm, that’s what I like to hear. It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen a piece of ass like yours, especially one that isn’t attached to a whiny bitch,” he practically purred, “I’ll make it easy for you, this time. Let me feel that sweet little mouth and, in return, I’ll let you and two of your teammates go free.” 

Thinking became fairly difficult as his hand slid down and encircled your throat. He didn’t cut off your airflow entirely, but the threat was there under the light pressure, and it made your heart race. 

“T-Two?” you clarified. 

“Two. Can’t let you all get out scott-free or I risk pissing off the head bitch,” he explained, thumb stroking your skin almost lovingly, “So? Wanna make a deal with death, baby?” 

Emotions created a volatile vortex of your mind, uncertainty and fear of him going back on his word making you want to say no, but the promise of freedom demanding otherwise. On one hand, what would the others say if they found out? Then again, did you really care what they thought? They already had a preconceived notion about you. And it wasn’t like the thought of pleasing a man was exactly a bad one... Fuck, you were only human, and a touch-starved one at that, considering you were kept at arms reach unless you were healing the others. 

“Fuck it,” you finally sighed, “I’ll do it.” 

Ghostface sucked in a heavy breath, as if he had been expecting you to decline his advances, but then it was like a switch was flipped. Suddenly his hands were on your shoulders and you were shoved to your knees on the ground, giving silent thanks for the fact you were on grass and not concrete. 

 The sight of the tall cloaked form pulling up his robes was almost amusing until he shoved down his black pants and you were granted a sight that made your mouth water. He wasn’t even fully hard but already you could tell he was big, thicker than you were used to. You weren’t sure if it was due to your appearance, as he had alluded, or if maybe he was just as hungry for human touch, but the fact he was already excited was enough to make your own body react. 

“You back out or don’t finish in time, the deal’s off,” he snapped suddenly. 

“Oh o- Ah, shit!” 

Ghostface silenced your words with a sharp tug on your hair, jerking you forward as he pushed his hardening cock against your face. 

“Time’s ticking, sweets,” he sang teasingly. 

You tossed him a little scowl before getting to work, one hand resting on his toned thigh as the other took hold of him. Your irritation slipped into intrigue and arousal as you slowly stroked his dick, enjoying the way he twitched and sighed way too much for what was undeniably an unconventional situation. As he hardened under your touch, you became dauntingly aware of just how thick he actually was. He had to be a little over average in length but your fingertips couldn’t even touch around it. The moment the first drip of precum rolled out over your fingers, you lost what reservations you held and quickly took him in your mouth. 

“Fu-u-u-ck! That’s what I’m talking about!” he groaned loudly, fingers knotting against your scalp in a burning hold.

Before you had the chance to react, both hands were on your head and you were forced further down his cock. You tried to brace yourself and pull back, but he was so much stronger, pushing until his head was pressing against your throat. It took all of your resolve not to retch as your body instinctively gagged around him, but it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. If anything, he moaned louder, as if turned on by the noises. 

Tears fell from your eyes as you sucked in ragged breaths through your nose every chance you got until he was back in your throat. 

“Come on, babe, I know you can take it,” he moaned, “Be a good little slut and let me fuck that throat nice and raw.” 

A choked moan escaped before you could stop it, your thighs clenching tight in search of relief. While you knew you were a bit of a freak back home, this was a whole other level, and you were disturbed by how much you liked it. Brows furrowing in concentration, you did your best to accommodate him and opened your mouth wide, relaxing your throat with a whimper.

“Shit, that’s it. Good girl.”

Annndd now you were dead. Not physically, of course, but mentally? You were beyond help. The sounds of the realm around you all faded away, even the loud chugging of the dying gen behind you muffled into silence under the sounds of the delicious moans he let out; the squelch of him pounding away at your mouth the only rivaling noise. Rivers of drool ran down your chin as he suddenly thrust forward and buried himself as far as possible, cutting off all traces of oxygen as your nose crushed into his dark pubes. 

For a moment, it all became too much; the dirt against your knees, the slick spit coating your skin, the sticky panties clinging to your wet sex, and the sting of his grip culminating into a massive sensory overload. Eyes popping open, you gawked up at those soulless black holes and tapped at his thigh frantically. To your relief and surprise, he immediately pulled back. 

“What? You good?” he asked, almost sounding concerned. 

You held up a finger and took a moment to breathe, centering yourself as you wiped your mouth clean to remove at least one of the issues. Once you didn’t feel as if you were going to pass out, you met his gaze again. 

“Sorry. Sensory issues,” you explained meekly, “I’m good to go.” 

He paused for a moment, as if debating, so you decided to take it upon yourself to take a breath and swallow him once more. 

“Damn, okay,” he laughed huskily as you dug your nails into his thighs, “Can’t say you’re not determined.” 

His taunting fell way to debauched moans as you found your rhythm once more. 

If it weren’t for the whole “stuck in an alternate reality where you’re sacrificed to a sadistic entity by brutal murderers”, this would absolutely be the hottest thing you’d ever experienced. None of your past partners had ever been as vocal as Ghostface. It was such a turn-on, a praise of the highest sort, and you were soaking it up like candy. 

You tuned out everything around you until all there was, was Ghostface; The sensation of his leather gloves cupping your face, the heady scent of sweat and sex in your nostrils, and his gravelly moans filling your head. 

“Fuck! Gonna come, sweets,” Ghostface groaned as his hips stuttered, “Gonna be good and swallow it all for me?”

Your moan of acknowledgment was met with a harsh curse and his hands once more taking over control. Keeping your teeth in mind, you hollowed your cheeks and traced your tongue along the underside of his cock as he fucked your face hard. There was no denying he was getting too rough, too caught up in his pleasure to care no doubt, but you weren’t about to stop him. The pain was worth the ecstasy thrumming through your veins. You were high on his pleasure. 

There was no further warning before he rammed down your throat with a vicious snarl, shot after shot of cum pulsing from his cock. Deragoatory praises flowed from his lips in an almost whisper as you slowly rubbed his thighs and pulled back enough to breathe and swallow, letting him ride out his orgasm with little thrusts against your tongue. You were more than happy to let him take all he wanted. 

There was a sudden shuffling of fabric and a flash of light that brought your eyes open in confusion, and you were mortified to find his camera pointed down at your face. 

“Gotta document the occasion,” Ghostface purred warmly, “Not every day I get a babe down on her knees for me around here.”

For a moment, you weren’t quite sure what to do with yourself, torn between staring at the literal killer who had just given you the sexiest experience of your life and getting yourself together in preparation to leave. Before you could decide, the sudden jarring chime of the clock rang through the courtyard with a thunder and you all but threw yourself into Ghostface with a shriek, instinctively hiding against the biggest threat in the realm for protection. Heat filled your face as the masked man’s laughter bubbled through the air. 

“Shit, that’s hilarious,” he sighed through laughter, then sighed, “You’re cute, you know that?” 

It took everything in you not to argue with his statement and instead untangle yourself from his legs, getting to your feet as he resituated his clothes. 

“Alright, deals a deal. Who you sacrificing?” he asked. 

“Uh, I didn’t even see who all’s here,” you admit meekly. 

Ghostface put a hand up to his chin as if in thought before saying, “Pretty sure I saw Laurie, Dwight, and Bill before I found you.” 

You nodded in understanding and let out a heavy breath. It felt heartless, but at the same time, you knew it wasn’t as hard of a choice as you were pretending. 

“Bill.” 

“Ol military boy, huh? He piss in your Cheerios or something?” Ghostface asked. 

“I don’t- eh?!”

Your world was suddenly upended and a little oomph of pain escaped your mouth as he tossed you like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder. Any instinctive need to complain was overruled by the throbbing of your cunt as his hand tucked between your thighs and gripped. Fuck, it shouldn’t be, but the way he could manhandle you like you were nothing was just… hot as hell. Clenching your thighs together in hopes of not embarrassing yourself any further, you relaxed into him and let him carry you away toward the gate. 

“Sooo?” he urged. 

Oh yeah. He’d asked about Bill. It was weird, talking to him like that he wasn’t some sadistic killer that had just had his dick in your mouth, but you appreciated his weird attempt at conversation nonetheless. 

“He likes to make fun of my autism,” you explained weakly, “Says I’m making it up for attention and to get out of shit. If only he fucking knew how much I wish that were true. Dude just lived in an age where nobody talked about mental health and disabilities, and those who had the worse versions were just locked away. It’s sad really.” 

Ghostface let out a hum but didn’t bother replying further, instead setting you down on your feet at the gate. When he suddenly gripped your jaw hard and pulled your face up, you watched him with a mixture of curiosity and heat, but your arousal-induced haze evaporated the moment he brandished his knife. 

“G-Ghostface?” you asked warily. 

He chuckled lowly as you swallowed hard and you could only imagine the devilish smirk that was hidden beneath the mask. 

“Just leaving my mark, sweets, gotta let the others know you belong to someone now,” he said, gloved fingers sliding down your throat to stop at your collarbone, “Don’t move, now. Wouldn’t wanna hurt ya~.” 

Standing still as a statue, you closed your eyes and braced for the worst. The sharp sting of his blade right above your breast tore a weak cry from your lips but still, you didn’t dare pull away, obediently allowing him to cut as he pleased. 

Somewhere, in the deep down fucked up part of your brain, you knew you were in trouble when you whined about him pulling the knife away. 

Eyes fluttering open, you looked down and were greeted with the demented sight of a permanent heart with a G carved into your flesh. Before you could comment on it, he suddenly reached up and lifted his mask, giving just a peek of what could only be a beautiful face. His jawline was strong and sharp, surprisingly clean-shaven, and his full cupid’s bow lips were pulled up into a panty-wetting smirk. 

“Yeah, that’ll do nicely,” he groaned.

Oh, his voice. It was smooth, rich, and deep in a way that made your skin prickle. A pained moan fled your lips into his mouth as he kissed you hard. It was rough and messy, with too much teeth and tongue, but you felt yourself melting into him the longer it lasted. Fingers digging into the fabric of his cloak, you tugged him closer and held on for dear life until the ache in your lungs became too much to handle.  

“Can’t wait to see you again, sweets, stay out of trouble,” he teased as you pulled away with a gasp. 

And then he was gone, skulking away around the corner as you slumped back against the exit gate lever. 

Yeah, you were good and fucked.

[greghatecrimes]

i always want to read autistic!Thirteen essays <3

⚡️

Lightning anon my beloved <3 <3 (Seriously, I always smile when I get an ask from you!) For you, here are the beginnings of my notes on autistic!Thirteen!

For these I worked off of a community-made list of traits commonly found in AFAB people diagnosed with autism. (Said post really helped me out when I was puzzling out if I was autistic or not as well as debating whether or not to seek diagnosis. So it's not anything official like the DSM, but it was written by autistic AFAB people, for autistic AFAB people, and myself and Thirteen would both fall into that category).

[Editing to link: Part 1.5, 2]

First: Traits with Canonical Support/Evidence

Tends to analyze everything constantly. She’s at least always analyzing the behaviors of House & the team, especially in season four when she's still getting to know them.

Often straightforward and practical in nature. (Especially at work for her. Her work persona is is uber-practical and completely different from the "unmasked" moments of goofiness and fun we see from her with Foreman in season five, and at times with House in season six and seven.)

Prone to honesty, has difficulty lying (When she's had the time to script and practice something in advance, she's great at lying. See her lie to House at the hotel in The Dig and the few episodes in season five where she and Foreman made an elaborate scheme to pretend they had broken up. But when she's flying blind and has no time to prepare? She kind of sucks at lying, à la her excuses to get House off her back in You Don't Want To Know, and when the Foreteen breakup ruse falls apart.)

May struggle to understand manipulation, disloyalty, vindictive behavior and retaliation. (I would say this is something she probably only ran into earlier in life, and sort of 'grew out of' as she gained more life experience. Example: when she was seventeen and didn’t understand that her 30 y/o boyfriend was taking advantage of her/didn't love her until well after the fact.)

May be gullible and easily taken advantage of, misled, or conned. (This one is another earlier in life thing that I think she would 'grow out of'/find ways to work around, same as above. But also? She took a car loan with 12% INTEREST. good lord Thirteen, WHY?? That shouts 'taken advantage of by a car salesperson to me'. So maybe it was something to do with this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

May have feelings of confusion and isolation in relation to others (To Foreman in Lucky Thirteen: "She hasn't gone anywhere, and I... feel alone.")

Often has slower reaction times due to need for mental processing. (Her and House's exchange in Don't Ever Change: “You do it both ways, right?” Thirteen stares, dead silent, looking utterly shocked. “...The ultrasound, I mean. You do it both ways. Lying down and standing up.” Plus pretty much every other instance of her Deer In The Headlights face lol)

May find math and numbers easier to deal with due to logic and lack of subjective answers. (This one is more 'potentially' rather than concrete. But she did go into medical/STEM field, and in The Dig we find out that she had a knack for science/physics/engineering in high school. She was good enough to place in the top three in the state-wide science fair her junior year. But like always, correlation ≠ causation.)

Often relates discussion back to self/sharing as a means of reaching out. (She does this with Chase a few times in season six! First telling him she started seeing a counselor after her diagnosis and using it to suggest that counseling might help him post-divorce; and then later telling Chase about her 30 y/o boyfriend when he’s mourning his and Cameron’s relationship and wondering if Cameron ever loved him. She also relates with the patients as a way of reaching out, like in Joy when she tries to connect with POTW's daughter. "Must be hard not having your mom around, huh?")

May have difficulty regulating voice volume to different situations. (I’ve noticed that in certain scenes with House, especially when she’s angry, her voice gets much louder than House's does and at a much faster pace. Some prime examples are You Don't Want to Know: "No, you don't know because I don't know!" and later "I might die. So could you, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow! The only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?" And in Instant Karma when she goes to House's apartment and loudly/firmly starts the conversation with "Stay out of my life!")

May feel misunderstood and tend to over-explain/ramble in an attempt to compensate for possible miscommunication. (in Instant Karma when she's talking with the cab driver: "Bangkok, that sounds awesome. How long?" "Not sure yet." she pauses, realizes the implication of what she's said (her place will be empty for a long time), and then backtracks to say: "Luckily I have a friend who's staying at my place, taking care of my dog. He's really big. So he needs a lot of exercise." Then she starts over explaining herself again (!) directly after when she tries to say to the driver, "Look, I'm sorry. I don't know you. You're either honest or dishonest. I figured the safer choice is to...")

May be highly intuitive to others’ feelings, although may not appear to react to them ‘correctly’ in social situations (In The Dig: House talking about how he was Cuddy’s weird boyfriend, not Lucas → Thirteen realizes a second too late that he’s serious and then can see the sadness/hurt from the breakup. Instead of adhering to the social norm of “I’m sorry”, she blurts out “I killed a man” to distract him from his feelings.)

Often holds great compassion for suffering. (*Points at the whole show in general* She might not always be outwardly gushy about it like Cameron is, but it's there.)

May try to help, offer unsolicited advice, or formalize plans of action. (We see this in her interactions with patients. i.e., reaching out to the kid in The Softer Side and trying to help, completely separate from the team, when she thinks he's suicidal.)

May frequently reject or question social norms. (Lots of her dialogue, much like House's, goes against what the "norm" was in the early 2000s. For example: her discussions with Foreman and later Wilson about bisexuality.)

Tend to say what they mean. Are often brutally honest, coming off as rude when they do not mean to be. (To Kutner asking about her Huntington's in early season five: "If I wanted to talk about it, why didn't I bring it up?" And similarly, with House in Wilson's Heart: "Yeah, I'm at risk for Huntington's. I've dealt with it." "By not getting tested?" "You are the champion of not dealing with your problems. (...) You're screwing up this case worse than I am!" Finally, in Last Resort: the other ducklings talk about how they feel House's arrogance is going to kill someone. Thirteen goes a step further and comes out with the brutal honesty. "You're a coward. You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being, that you'll risk other people's lives.")

Often speaks frankly and literally.

May notice patterns frequently (basically a prerequisite to work for House, haha!)

May possess a youthful appearance and/or voice. (she looks very young! However, this can also just be attributed to Olivia Wilde being younger than Thirteen was when playing her. Olivia was 24 when they started filming season four; Thirteen was at minimum 29.)

Clothing style is likely more focused on comfort and practicality, especially in the case of sensory issues. (Thirteen occasionally dresses a bit fancier, but most of the time she's far more casual than the rest of the team (save for House). Usually she’s just wearing a comfortable, casual tee shirt and jeans or plain black pants She dresses up her outfits with simple makeup, a necklace, and cute shoes. She dresses much more comfy/casual than Cameron did when she was on the diagnostics team. See: Cameron's suits/vests, etc.)

This is getting so long that I'm gonna need to make another post for part two: traits that don't necessarily have concrete canon evidence, but that I see in her.

[sprkle-boaat]

Support // School

Getting support at UK secondary schools is hard. I won't try and sugar coat that.

I received my Autism diagnosis- like many AFAB people- pretty late. My diagnosis came to towards the end of my time in the education system.

To those who are struggling with their mental health at the moment, please go and get support.

To those who are questioning if they should try and get an Autism Diagnosis I urge you to.

To those hesitant to get one, I ask: Why not?

What is the worst that could happen? You don't get a diagnosis? Well you can still get support elsewhere for low mood. You do get one? Well now you have access to a community of people who relate to so many aspects of your life and who have likely gone through the same struggles that you have and come out the other end with some great advice! Getting a diagnosis is something which I can not promote enough. If you think that you may have some neurodiversity- in anyway- I urge you to try and get a diagnosis.

Especially if you are in full time education still. You can get special considerations for your exams (whether that is extra time or something else), go and get tested.

-Sprkle

[sillylandmagic]

Me and my twin brother have autism, I wanted to share our similarities and differences. And how it affects our relationship in general.

When we were toddlers, I was identified as having autism early on by doctors. I had delayed milestones, like really bad, like all of the above milestones are what I missed. I also showed very significant characteristics of autism, I looked away when someone talked to me, I’d maybe look in their direction, but not at them. I’d sometimes make noises and babbling till about 4, and spoke in 1-3 sentence words after that until I was probably 8. I screamed and cried at changes and sensory stimuli. I don’t remember getting diagnosed, it was probably when I was a toddler. I don’t know if I was given a level or not, haven’t asked my mom.

For my brother, he had some delayed milestones at least to my knowledge. He wasn’t identified with having autism as a child. At the same time, we were both afab(a female at birth) so it was harder for us both. But I still got diagnosed as a toddler, he does not have a diagnosis sadly. He also showed signs of autism, but they weren’t identified because he didn’t need as much support.

Now to us as teens. We have a few things in common with our autism. We both struggle with communication and understanding social cues, we both stim, we both have a monotone pitched voice, we both have blank expressions, and we both love each other a lot.

There is quite a few differences that interfere with our relationship somewhat. My brother has the ability to mask more than me, which definitely changes our appearance from an outside perspective. For me, I can’t mask, whether that be stimming, behavior, my expressions, or my outward appearance in general. We also have varying support needs, I can’t do things that he can. We both need clear, literal instructions to do things. But for the most part, I need more step by step instructions and support to do even basic things. I also am physically and intellectually disabled, which impacts me a ton along with my autism.

My brother can socialize effectively, communicate for the majority of the time, and do things independently for the most part. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t struggle with it, I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying that he finds things easier. He is able to wash the dishes, cook, clean, tie his shoes, do laundry, he’s even gonna get his driver’s license next year probably. For me, I can’t do much or struggle to do a lot. I don’t talk to people much, I’m sort of in my own world all of the time. I struggle to speak and comprehend language. I can make very simple meals or get snacks, I can’t use any other heating element other than a toaster or microwave. I have lots of difficulty tying my shoes and do it in an alternate way or someone else does it. It would be unsafe for me to drive at all, I have slight vision problems and also have extremely low processing speed and cognition. I need someone to verbally tell me to take a shower, brush my teeth and sometimes even hair, to eat, to go out with me if I take a walk to the local library. If I didn’t have anyone to to tell me to do things and make sure I do them, or help me do basic things, I wouldn’t live. I wouldn’t be able to go out to buy food or period products. I wouldn’t be able to take my medication. I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I am dependent, and it makes me feel ashamed.

But, someone that’s helped me though, is my brother. He cares about me and plays with my stuffed animals with me. He ties my shoes, he washes my hair, he makes me food sometimes, I show him I appreciate it through hugs and excitement. Because he means a lot to me, and I want him to know how much he means to me, but it’s hard to tell him just how much. So I’ll say it here🤍

[crazycatsiren]

I tell people to think hard about getting a professional diagnosis, because they can end up on watch lists, barred from jobs, barred from adopting, etc. Please stop calling a professional diagnosis a privilege. I know people are being mean, and it is okay for you to defend, but stop calling it privilege. That is very very gross.

You've got some fucking shit nerves to come to an autistic woman of color's personal blog and call her "gross", when it's not even an opinion that a professional autism diagnosis is in many ways very much a white privilege.

Do you know how many autistic children of color, especially black children, are labeled as oppositionally defiant and even violent, and punished for their autistic behaviors in schools, while their white autistic peers are coddled, cosseted, and accommodated? Do you know how many BIPOC, especially those who are AFAB, have never had access to a professional diagnosis as well as help for their autism because of racism and misogynoir? Do you know how many mental health professionals to this day still don't believe that people of color, especially women of color, can even have autism? Do you know how many autistic ethnic minorities' voices are constantly silenced and ignored, even within the autism community? Do you know how many families out there who want to get help for their kids/loved ones just can't, because they don't have the money or the insurance for an autism diagnosis, no support, and no one to advocate for them because they're not white? And do you know how many of us have had to struggle through our entire lives all on our own, with nobody to reach out to, no one to care, how many of us have been dismissed and invalidated over and over because of our ethnicities and skin colors?

So with all due disrespect, fuck off my lawn with your privileged bullshit, loser who ain't even got the galls to attach a face to being a racist asshole.

[mischiefisme-amess]

Okay you know fucking what. I am so goddamn done with the mental health system rn and I cannot even begin to express how annoyed I am. No wait. Yes I fucking can. I probably already complained about this when it actually happened, but the results are upon me and I can't be bothered to try and find the fucking post I made.

So everyone and their mum has at this point heard the "Don't wait until your mental health deteriorates, get help the moment you know something is wrong!"- thing yelled from the bloody rooftops. And that's what I did. I did that, okay? I tried to get help. I went to my school psych like the good little bastard I am, for unrelated reasons at first which amounted to my teacher being a bitch, but I went anyway.

And in addition to getting the pardon from doing presentations that my teacher required, I mentioned my other problems. Like oh yea, there's autism in my family and also I don't feel real like half of the time :)))).

I cannot put all the blame on the psych, I think she did try. But what I didn't know then, is that I am a quite heavily masking person, as is common for afab people. I basically accidentally made her think all was okay automatically, while desperately trying to get help. And then there was like 3/4 year period where I did not know how to unmask at all I was trying to go through the diagnosis. Luckily, I got transferred to youth department of the mental health system. Lucky me.

I was trying to get help because I was getting more and more tired all the time to the point I skipped WEEKS worth of school at a time because I was so tired. I had to leave almost every class "to go to the bathroom", because I kept getting too overwhelmed and then dissociated. I told these professionals this, and they just gave me a sympathetic smile and told me it sucks and then gave me like a slip that lets me leave class to calm down if I want to and use headphones to not get overstimulated. I told them I have to swing for atleast an hour every day just daydreaming, or I'll feel horrible. They just went "well that's totally fine :D". NO IT ISN'T? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR HOMEWORK?

Then they asked me what I wanted out of the diagnosis. I went "idk what I can get, I guess I just want to know if I have autism or if there's something else wrong with me?". What I needed was help with pretty fucking obvious incoming burnout, but I didn't know how to put that to words well enough I guess. I told them what was happening and guess what they fucking told me? GUESS. FUCKING. WHAT. They told me there are people who need help more than me and that I'm not getting a diagnosis because confirming it takes resources away from people who need help more than me.

...

They said that to my face. In my native tongue of course, but that is what they said. oh...

(That totally didn't make me cry for like 30min at my appointment in front of the psych. Totally didn't make me feel completely humiliated. Totally didn't make me feel like I was just seeking attention.)

I was trying to stop myself from burning out and they told me others have it worse. And then they first reduced my meetings. And then I aged out from the youth department and had to go back to my school psych. It was a different one now, actually changed again once. Now I had like a vague idea of how everything worked. I tried being more open and I tried so fucking hard to tell them what was going on. One of them said I should call a health center to try and kick up the diagnosis thing again. Cool okay yeah. Problem: calls are the one thing that makes me almost as uncomfortable as holding presentations.

It's been over half a year. I graduated. I'm so dissociated it makes me feel dizzy, my head hurt and my vision blurr. I daydream hours at a day, every chance I get I'm either engaging in an activity, or actively daydreaming. The second I stop doing something I'm just gone.

Fucking thanks a lot.

I really should call, but I can't bring myself to do it.

great.

[vee-is-a-clown]

I made the stupid mistake of talking about how I'm struggling to get an autism diagnosis because doctors tend to overlook girls' autistic traits in a TikTok comment section and now a bunch of Allistic people are calling me a faker because "why would a medically trained doctor ignore your traits just because you're a girl?"

Idk Brian, maybe the same reason he calls autistic traits "symptoms", ADHD "ADD", and Autism "Aspergers".

I'm so tired of explaining to allistic people why it's hard for me to get a diagnosis and that doctors can't always be trusted. So much medical data is outdated/untrue but nobody pays attention.

This never happens when I'm in a comment section with other autistic afabs.

[theoculus124]

Okay first of all just wanted to say... you're an incredible person and the way you stick up for your friends is awesome.

Second of all, I think I'm autistic.

I saw a post once, saying that it stars with relating to memes, then doing some more research, and I've figured out that some of the things I do and feel aren't the same as the things others would.

I didn't know what stimming was for a while, but I stim all the time, and I can recognise it now. I didn't know what sensory issues were, until I realised that most people don't hate water on their skin, and most people don't like things just for their weight on my hands. Most people aren't uncomfortable with dealing with others feelings, but cause of masking I've somehow become the therapist friends and have been mentally and emotionally exhausted because of it.

Sorry to dump this on you, but everything I do makes so much more sense now, even if I doubt I'll ever be diagnosed.

Also is stuff like this disrespectful, I always worry that I'm not rlly autistic and I'm just making it up and it's offensive to people who actually struggle with it.

Once again apologies for the dump, and thanks for reading all this if you did..

First of all, tysm I love each and every one of u so it upsets me alot when someone is mean to u guys cause ur all so lovely <333

you're not being disrespectful and welcome to the community <3 Always remember that self diagnosis is so valid cause of the bias against AFAB people and people of colour and the amount of money spent (like it's stupid amounts) -> to anyone else who's also reading this SELF DIAGNOSIS IS JUST AS VALID U ARE NOT LESS AUTISTIC U ARE APART OF THE ND FAMILY ALWAYS

Also no need to apologise at all and you can talk to me anytime

Icl I did have a suspicion you were one of us.. then again I feel like alot of the people who follow my tumblr is (Just like the gays us NDs find each other online and offline)

Also I know it's very hard but don't feel like you're a bad friend for setting boundaries (For example before I emotionally dump I just quickly ask "do u have the capacity to deal with this rn" and if they say yes I'll continue if no then I won't and let them rest) I know it's hard cause it feels like denying your friends but trust me you need to prioritise your mental health over anything <3

Also once you find out your autistic you'll find little things in your life which points to autism and it helps you understand yourself more it's crazy cause you're like "how did I never notice this" and terrifying at the same time, but you got this and we're all here for u no matter what <33

I hope this helps, and have a fantastic day and take all the self care u need <33