#also gonna talk to my therapist for input

[halfpricedpages]

here to ask the chat, if I wrote a Reddie fic where Richie comforts Eddie through like an emetophobia episode would anyone be interested in that

(also if anyone that sees this has emetophobia and would we willing to be interviewed about it that would be sososo appreciated)

[stuckinapril]

i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????

[minevn]

fan of ur blog <3 big tw for this but how would your ocs deal with an s/o that has dealt with self harm/ struggles w relapses?

TW FOR SELF HARM!!

My blog will ALWAYS be a safe space for anyone who is struggling with anything, that said I'm no professional, so if you can, please talk to professional :3

Minato: Minato gets it. He's never actually gone through with self harm, but he's thought about it before. He tries to use a lot of the same methods he used on himself, filling up his schedule to distract himself! He tries to plan things with you, that way you have other stuff to do, and it also helps him keep a closer eye on you. He also makes sure to check up on you more often. If he feels like Hoshi and Habiki are making it worse, then he gets you out of your workplace, no matter what. He doesn't ever push you to talk, knowing that it doesn't help and will just add stress onto you, when you do decide to talk he'll ALWAYS be there to listen to you and offer input if you want any. He does make sure to let you know that he's there if you wanna talk. He'll never be upset with you or disappointed with you for self harm or relapsing, he just wants to help you in any way he can.

Haruto: When Haruto found out you were self harming at first, he was really upset, not at you or anything! He was more so blaming himself for not being able to stop you or to see the signs more clearly, he felt unreliable and questioned if he'd actually be a good partner for you. These are all things he keeps to himself as he's more concerned about you cutting yourself. Much like Minato, he makes sure to check up on you more frequently. He asks if there's anything you wanna talk about more often and if he notices that he's putting more pressure on you, he gifts you a journal, he asks you to write down all your thoughts and feelings. When you're angry, write in the journal, when you're sad, write in the journal, if you're happy, write in the journal. He gets you a therapist as soon as possible, the most expensive one. Haruto also plans more sleepovers, even inviting Aki, Kage, and Jun, knowing you need all the support you can get.

Jun: Jun starts crying, not that she wants to. She doesn't feel like SHE'S the one who should be crying, she just also hates the idea of you being sad and hurt and alone. She hugs you tightly and tells you that she will always be there for you, that you can talk to her if you need and want to. Jun has thought about self harm before, but she's never done it, not wanting to "ruin" her body. She already struggles with her self image, she didn't want scars to make her hate herself more. She def gets more clingy when she finds out. When you cuts are healed enough, she'll gently run her fingers over them and kiss them, making sure you know she still loves and adores you no matter what. If you're embarrassed about your scars and prefer hiding them, she'll design outfits for you that cover your scars but still allow you to dress like how you did before. She also takes away any objects that you can hurt yourself with, and takes you out on lots of cafe dates(especially cat and sheep cafes, really anywhere with cute animals she likes to take you)

Hoshi: When Hoshi finds out he kinda...laughs...in disbelief. Like, huh?! Why?! He doesn't really understand, he's never had any suicidal thoughts. Like of course he's been depressed before, but never to the point where he's thought about hurting himself or ending his life. He stops you before you get the wrong idea and think he's laughing AT you, his laugh was out of nervousness cause he doesn't know what to do in this situation. "You're...gonna need to explain everything to me in order for me to understand. Can you do that? Just say everything that upset you and made you do this, even if it's my fault." He wants to understand, and he really tries hard to. No matter if you say he had anything to do with it or not, he's a lot more gentle with you. He's more observant too, he tries to take you out on dates more and makes you a lot of delicious food every day.

Habiki: Habiki notices, even if you don't tell him, and even if he just got a glimpse. He isn't sure how to handle this situation though, so he just kinda stares at your arms. He goes home and looks into how to confront you. Being so straightforward might put a lot of pressure on you and just make you more closed off, so he has to be obvious but in a roundabout way. The next day he'll approach you "Uhm, if there's anything you need or want to talk about...I'm here for you..." He's very awkward, not sure if he's doing everything properly. He's relieved if you tell him you've been self harming, not that he's happy about it, it's just easier for him to try and help you in any way he can now. He'll offer you to stay with him, at least for a few days, he thinks it'd be beneficial if you were around people(and also he can keep a closer eye on you). He'll def fight Hoshi if Hoshi says anything upsetting to you. He plays music to help keep you calm, he'll even try to teach you how to play a few of his instruments, give your mind and body something else to do and think about.

Kage: Yeah, they probably understand the most out of anyone. Having a body littered in self harm wounds, and having more suicide attempts then you could count on both hands. Kage didn't have anyone to rely on, but now they can be there for you when you need them. Kage doesn't want you to suffer alone like how they have, they grab both of your hands with their own shaky hands as they tell you they still love you and will always be there for you. If the cuts are fresh then Kage has a whole supply of first aid materials and know how to take care of deeper wounds. Has an entire google doc of self harm care that they use when helping you treat your wounds, although at this point they've remembered everything they need to. They also send you the google doc in case Kage isn't there for you, which is like never since Kage always has free time especially for you. They're very gentle with your wounds and by the time they're finished patching you up, the ramen they made for you is done. Through their embarrassment and shaky hands, they feed you, declaring that you should just rest your arms.

Kei: Why? He wants to know why you self harmed, genuinely he's just very curious. He wants to understand the inner workings of your brain, he doesn't ask why out loud though, that wouldn't be very perfect of him. He already knows, he's known since the first time, having watched you through cameras and whatnot. Of course he patches you up perfectly though. He thinks you're a lot more weak and frail then you actually are and handcuffs you, not wanting you to hurt yourself anymore. You self harming just makes him feel like you need him even more, because he will make sure that you don't self harm again, he will make you feel all better again.

Yani: Yani gets it as they also self harm, still they'll be really happy and honored if you come to them for help and rely of them. She holds your arm gently in her hands before leaning down to lick the blood off. She makes sure you know that your blood is very delicious to her. It disinfects your cuts and patches them up nicely, kissing all of them and giving them all love. Yani cares and doesn't want to see you hurt of course, but at this point you already cut yourself, she can't go back in time and stop you from doing so, so she just accepts it. He'll stop you from cutting if he can, but if he's too late then he just makes sure to love the new wounds just as much as he loves the previous ones. Might give you a little "scolding", you can't see any anger on it's face or in it's voice, it just tells you to take your sadness and anger out on it instead. Yani shows you her cuts and says you two are matching, and that's why she can find it in herself to be a little happy. Yani will kiss your wounds wherever, whenever, smiling up at you after every kiss.

Aki: Aki notices that you've been more distant, not wearing your usual clothes, and hiding your arms, it's enough to convince her that you're either self harming or in some kind of abusive relationship that she somehow doesn't know about. Having been friends with you for a long time, she confronts you then and there, not wanting this to continue any longer. She's not upset with you, she'll never be upset with you, she just doesn't want you to suffer alone if you don't have to. She gently strokes your knuckles as you explain you've been self harming. She makes sure you're patching it up properly and taking care of it, she does her own research into the topic as well, getting you steri strips as it's not something most people just have in their household(at least I don't??) She makes sure that she's the one that patches you up, she teaches you how to just in case there's a time she really CAN'T be there for you, but she always tries to be there for you, so you can trust her and rely on her. You mean so much to her and she just wants to be there for you and make you happy.

[anti-endo-safe-space]

i'm gonna be super upfront here: i'm ignorant of a ton of shit regarding this whole situation, but a genuine curiosity has been aroused in me in the course of some mutuals talking about this stuff and Knowing More Stuff is always worth it. so i kinda wanna just drop some questions in your inbox and then go hide behind a bush.

i had what would be called an alright childhood from a distance but had a bunch of mental health issues that did not get addressed well into adulthood. like the kind of shit that somehow made me suicidal at ten, and i can't remember most of my life before 20. i do remember being groomed and exploited.

i started dissociating frequently and like. here is the point where i am ignorant, on terminology and also substance, so i'm going to do my best to muddle through. at some point early on there came to be like. two conceptual like, i dunno, *stuff* in my thoughts. they had names and they seemed to be very internally consistent. i understood them to be me, because they were in my brain and my understanding at this time (granted i was like. ten.) basically was "how could something be in my head if it isn't me." whenever i dissociated one of them took over. there was dialogue. i could make suggestions (one listened way more than the other) or i could not. but i understood these to have all sprung from my sense of self as i understood. they did not and have not gone away even through vast stretches of very good times.

what i don't get is what this is. after that reading that aforementioned conversation mentioned before i went poking through some stuff, vocabulary and experiences and such. the idea of a median seems to align a lot with shit, but as i understood it this generally did not seem to be a thing that was occurent in people reacting to trauma, which. like. i would say "reacting to trauma" has been something i've been doing for a long time, even through those good times.

so like. wtf. i don't know. basically wondering if you have any insight. sorry for dropping a novel in your inbox.

Hey there's no worries. We're not going to diganose you because we do not know your life story, we suggest a therapist. However.

If you are a system, it's common to not remember the trauma. I (host the one typing this) only remember some because I'm a partial trauma holder. But we have some who have no clue what the bodies been through. So, if you are one, the seemingly average childhood doesn't change that. Plus, what is considered traumatic to you doesn't mean it is to everyone else (about our third ever split was due to bullying on the school bus, it was physical yes but still. That's not something always seen as traumatic).

Reacting to trauma could mean being a system. But, we'll be honest here.

We don't believe that median systems really exist. It's a case of either you are or you aren't to us. Now, if science shows "hey actually" then we'll believe it (legitimate documented science that is accepted by most of the psychology community in the last 15 years (not directed at you, anon, but any pro endos/endos who see this and are going to go "well what about this guy from the 80s or this study that was done by people with no knowledge in psychology and haven't been shown with other studies")). So, it sounds like being a system but that's something you've gotta figure out.

We're sorry we dont' have the best input there /gen

[weezly14]

oh that was heavy. whew

my favorite part of this was the planning! “Whatever it says, can we – do we agree that we wanna – we want to try? Maybe not right now but – but we want to? And maybe now?”

MJ nods, her eyes filling with tears again.

“Either way, we’ll – we’ll make a plan. Because we both want this.”

i’m glad Peter not particularly liking his couples counseling therapist didn’t deter him from therapy completely, and that he considered MJ’s input and began his solo therapy journey. not only going but actually opening up and trying.

i’d never even thought about how he’d notice the buzzing was gone and how hard that must’ve been for him. i wish they would’ve been there for each other more in that man but can’t change the past so i’m glad they’re trying now.

and his anxiety and fears with this current pregnancy were all expected and stuff but the way he’s been trying to handle them and talking them out with his therapist is great. i hope he also does talk to mj about it.

overall, this went a lot better than i was expecting tbh, you can see the growth and that they’re in a much better place so i’m rooting for them. and i hope all goes well with the baby (i actually don’t think i can handle reading a miscarriage 😭)

lovely chapter as always! <33

i've heard in a couple comments that people either thought it was gonna be a scare, or were worried about peter's reaction, and yeah, i think those are fair concerns. but they are growing and that's always been the plan and the goal, to show that growth.

thanks for reading and for commenting :)

[gomezisabellas]

Hiiii! I hope you've been having a good day (or had a good day depending when you see this) so I would love to learn a little more about your current muses. which one are your favorites and can you tell me a little about them? Do you have any muses that are fandom or are they all oc? xoxo ss

so sorry this is answered so late, getting out of bed this week has been a battle. but unto my ocs, almost all of my muses except for one are fandomless! i don’t tend to like writing in fandom that much for some reason, although i think i’d like to get into that somewhat with some of my favorite shows. and as for my current muses, i currently have no self control so i have 77 muses at the moment. you can view all of them in the source link at my indie blog!

picking favorites is so hard so this is gonna be so long i am sorry. my current faves would probably have to be astrid harlowe, kamala srinivasan, aurelia de la rosa, nasrin kazi, bash guerra, josie franklin, nevaeh porter, jason palmer, charlotte gregison, and andrea matthews. under the cut i’ll put small little blurbs about each of them but you can also click the links in the source link to view their full stats and bio! trigger warnings for drunk driving, car accidents, suicide, death, depression, bullying. if missed any, please let me know.

astrid harlowe / alisha boe fc — she was born astrid noor but was abandoned by her mother and then put into foster care. she was eventually adopted by a famous and wealthy family which seemed like a dream come true until she learned the truth, they adopted her to rehabilitate their image and make sure this story got out before the negative ones. she grew up shy and polite because she didn’t want to step out of line and make the family look bad. she got pregnant at 16 and her parents sent her to a “troubled teens” program which traumatized her. when she came back, her adoptive parents were dismissive about her experience so she grabbed a flash drive and copied all of their secrets into it and is now just sitting around waiting for revenge.

kamala srinivasan / simone ashley fc — a nepo baby who was only ever praised for her looks so she never really tried to venture outside of that, despite having things of value to say. while she was a teenager, she became a sitcom actress on a disney channel show and the media kind of painted her as the “bimbo” character. she leaned into it because what else was she gonna do. soon after, she launched a singing career but was constantly met with pushback whenever she put her own input in and was forced to continue to put out vapid music she didn’t connect with.

aurelia de la rose / alexa demie fc — another nepo baby, kind of. her parents were both super wealthy and famous and had a nasty divorce. for whatever reason, the media and the paparazzi thought it was appropriate to delve into aurelia’s life and her parents didn’t really mind. they often put her in the middle of their fights and one day, she decided she had had enough. so she started acting out in front of the cameras, becoming the wild party girl. but in reality, she was sad. because the only reason her parents ever paid attention to her was when she was in the headlines for the wrong reasons. she uses this persona to fill a void but it’s all temporary.

nazrin kazi / mishti rahman fc — nasrin grew up in a very small town in minnesota with a speech impediment called rhotacism, which meant that she couldn’t pronounce some words with the letter r. she was severely bullied for this and this led her to become somewhat of a chronically online person, turning to tumblr and twitter to talk about her interests instead. this led her to become hugely involved in music and specifically, one direction. when in college, she double majored in speech pathology and music marketing, but ultimately went into speech therapy, in part because of how much her speech therapist helped her. she loves baking, fashion, karaoke, one direction, hiking, doing puzzles, and scrapbooking.

bash guerra / froy gutierrez fc — literally the sunshine love of my life. he grew up the oldest of six other siblings and was often the one to help raise them while his parents were working. while some people might resent this upbringing, bash loved it and this is where his nurturing nature was honed. when he was in high school, he got involved in the theatre club and subsequently got involved in community theatre, in order to make a little extra money,.during one of these performances, he was scouted by an agent and he moved to los angeles, albeit a little reluctantly away from his family, at the age of 18. unfortunately, while he was out in los angeles, one of his younger brothers took his own life and bash couldn’t help but feel it was his fault for leaving. this led him to having a savior complex of sorts, trying to save everyone else because he couldn’t save his brother.

josie franklin / halle bailey fc — josie is perfect. at least, that’s what she wants you to think. she was brought up by a pastor and a homemaker, and it was always drilled into her head that image was everything. and the expectations they put on her made her feel like she could never truly live up to them. but boy, did she try. instead of rebelling, josie tried to be perfect. josie always tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect everything. but she was never praised by her parents for doing well, they only told her how to be better which prompted her to think that nothing she ever did was truly enough. but instead of wallowing in that she took it as a motivation to do better, to get closer to perfection. but as she grew older, cracks started to show. it was gradual at first. biting her nails when she was nervous but then she started biting her nails all of the time. while she was applying for colleges, she ended up deferring all of her acceptances and hiding it from her parents. when they found out, they kicked her out of the house and since then, she’s been on a journey to figure out who she is without her parents’ expectations. 

nevaeh porter / salem mitchell fc — nevaeh was the kind of kid that talked a lot. maybe too much, depending on who you asked. she talked about a mile a minute and would talk about anything and everything. she was emotionally vulnerable and open to people. but as she grew older, what some people might see as a gift, ended up hurting her the most. she wore her heart on her sleeve just for it to get ripped off. she got bullied but in very subtle ways. telling her the boy she had a crush on liked her just for her to ask him out and have him reject her in front of everyone because how could anyone like her. this led her to becoming shy and turning to other things instead of people. namely, painting and plants. because when she was painting, she could be as messy as she wanted without anyone telling her that she was too much and she could talk to plants and trees for hours without them telling her she was talking too much. 

jason palmer / jordan fisher fc — jason was born to parents who didn’t think he was going to happen for them. he also had an adopted brother who was around his same age, so they referred to one another as twins. he ended up living in the shadow of his twin, who was funnier and smarter and got more attention from his parents. and they were both involved in theatre, but while his twin got the lead, jason was stuck playing background characters or trees. he got comfortable in the shadows, the darkness. even though he was delegated to the shadows, they became his home in some twisted way/ jason is the king of biting his tongue and just putting his head down and doing the work.

charlotte gregison / dove cameron fc — charlotte gregison was born on a commune in san francisco by two hippie parents. the commune was all about community, free love, freedom of expression, acts of service, and liberation. a common thing she heard was that love was at the core of everything. her parents raised her somewhat isolated from traditional media, only allowing her to watch things that they approved of. this meant no disney fairytales or anything of the sort. it was mostly just bob ross and sesame street. she was homeschooled up until the age of eight when she went to public school for the first time. it was definitely a bit of a culture shock for her. at nine she was invited to her first sleepover where she saw her first disney move and fell in love with the fairytale. soon after, she also fell in love with a different kind of fairytale, the romcom. charlotte is the kind of girl who wears rose colored glasses and is in love with love.

andrea matthews / katie stevens fc — andrea and michelle matthews were born two minutes apart from one another. michelle was born first and never let andrea forget it. they were born to two parents who passed their love of soccer down to the two and the twins were naturally gifted. the twins played soccer together, just like they did everything else together. in high school, they were co-captains of the varsity soccer team despite being only being sophomores. during the summer of their sophomore year, a drunk driver came out of nowhere and sent the car spinning out of control until it hit a tree that pierced through the window of the car and into michelle’s heart. losing michelle made andrea feel like she was losing a piece of herself, like half of herself was gone. andrea tried to put on a good front because no one wanted to see the sad girl, they wanted to see the phoenix rising from the ashes. her team told her to take her time and come back when she was ready, but that unfortunately never happened. after high school, andrea turned to music instead of soccer to deal with her feelings of loss around michelle. 

[timefirewrites]

Welp guess I'm having another wip...?

Long story short, might fuck around and make a playable graphic novel set in the same world as OGaH

[with-love-from-hell]

Vermillion Skies

{Part one}

Lucifer must act quickly after Mc is assaulted by a demon. He must find the delicate balance of serving justice and being there for his beloved human in the aftermath of the assault.

Fandom: Obey me!

Genre: comfort, angst, some fluff

Pairing: Mc x Lucifer (pre-established relationship)

Written for F!Mc

WC: ~5k

Music Accompaniment

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ALL PARTS: graphic depictions of sexual assault / rape, gore, and violence.

Cw: rape/sexual violence, gore and blood, genital mutilation, PTSD, anxiety, vomit, scenting/marking, revenge, breaking & entering, hateful/sexist language, mention of genitalia, virginity mention, violent death, swearing, spoilers for lessen 16+

>> Though I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, I am not your therapist. If you have experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or harassment and are in need of help, please utilize the RAINN sexual assault hotline or online chat service, or find additional help using the NSVRC website. <<

This turned out suuuper long so I hope it was worth it! If there's desire I may write some similar things with the other brothers and/or side characters- but I love me some Lucifer comfort, so I'll stick with this for now. I'm definitely someone who enjoys reading revenge stories in instances of sexual violence and I feel as if Lucifer was a good fit for such a story. It brings me peace knowing abusers got their just deserts. I finished part two as well so I will be posting them both at the same time. I will continue working on part 3 (and onwards if it is gonna be really long, which is likely) after I finish the Body Image series. Read under the cut

You had been alone in the House of Lamentation for a better part of the day while the brothers attended a student council gathering. There was an upcoming RAD festival that required hours of decision making and planning from the brothers. Usually you would go with in such cases, but Lucifer ensured you that it would be mindless debate over small details. He would much prefer you attend the meetings when your input would be more valued among the other council members.

You spent most of your time tidying the house to surprise Lucifer, and jamming out to music. A text message from Mammon in the group chat let you know that the brothers would be back later than expected, though they only had a couple more things left to discuss:

Mammon: "Aye, Mc! Sorry it's takin' so long. Asmo keeps goin' on and on about the colors of decorations and Levi won't shut up about the games."

Levi: "OH you're one to talk Mammon. You keep trying to convince Lucifer to allow gambling tables. 😡"

Asmo: “Mammon, you’re also wasting time babbling about who gets to spend time with Mc at the festival first- which we all know wouldn't be you. 🤡"

Levi: "ROFLMAO Mammon really is a clown isn't he. 😂🤡"

Mammon: “Oi! We all know Mc would leap at the chance to go to the festival with the Great Mammon! 🤘”

Belphie: "But you're still a clown."

Satan: "If you four don't leave the chat alone we'll never be able to leave. 🙄"

Lucifer: "My apologies, Mc. We should be home within the next few hours. Would you mind preparing dinner? I know it was my turn tonight, but I promise to make it up to you."

Mc: "Can do! I’ll make something extra special for all you since you’re wasting so much precious energy arguing!” 

Beel: "I can't wait. 🤤🤤"

Lucifer: "Your attempts at humor amuse only yourself, Mc."

Mc: "😘"

You giggled and shoved your phone in your back pocket. What am I going to do with them, you thought, a smile fixated on your face. You trotted mindlessly down to the kitchen to plan tonight's meal. You passed quickly by the entry way. But stopped in your tracks when something seemed...off..

Circling back to the main foyer, you noticed the front entry was slightly ajar. You stopped and stared at the open door. The brothers were usually so careful to ensure the doors were all shut and locked before leaving for the day. You approached to investigate and noted that the lock appeared to had been magically burned through- the deadbolt seared to a melted clump of brass. A few scratches lined the frame, and a bit of ash lined the floor at your feet in an ovular shape. A feeling of unease washed over you. Did someone break in? No. One of the boys must have forgotten to shut the door...and broke the lock... You tried to reassure yourself, but the anxiety mounted at the troubling state the door was in. You pulled your phone back out to text the group chat.

Mc: "hey...did you guys shut and lock the door when you left..?"

Mammon: "Uh...Ya...We double check every time we leave."

Mc: "Well, its wide open now..."

Lucifer: "This isn't a funny joke, Mc."

Mc: "I'm not joking, Luci..."

You send a picture of the melted lock in the group chat. Lucifer's reply makes your blood run cold.

Lucifer: "Go to your room immediately and lock the door. Keep your phone on. We're coming home now."

Lucifer's response made the unease transform into full panic. Does this mean someone is in the house? You frantically turned and jogged back up the stairs checking over your shoulder every few seconds to ensure you were safe. After returning to your room, you slammed the door and locked it. You clutched your phone to your chest, panting. Your heart was racing so fast, it felt as if it may explode out of your chest. Your breathing was so loud that you failed to hear the movement coming from your bathroom.

After catching your breath and calming yourself down a bit, you turned on your heal to go wait for the brothers by your window. Panic once again coursed through you as an vaguely familiar figure towered over you. Attempting to flee, you whipped around and fumbled with the lock. The demon scoffed and yanked your arm back, dislocating your shoulder in the process. You fell to the floor, yelping in pain, and your D.D.D went careening to the other side of the room.

"My, my. What do we have here?" The demon let out a menacing chuckle, causing a shiver to run up your spine. You hazily recognized him from your Devildom History class. You have noticed him staring at you in the past, and he was in some of the circles Belphie tends to run in, but you’ve never actually spoken to him.

Shaking the memories of the demon out of your head, you regained your composure. You scrambled off the floor and attempted to bolt toward your bathroom, but he was slightly faster. His tail wrapped around your ankle, tripping you and sending your body crashing to the ground. 

Your head slammed against the floor and your vision flickered white as he dragged you back to him. You groaned as the demon postured over you. He was on all fours, pinning your wrists to the ground with one hand. The pain of your dislocated shoulder was becoming dull given new pain that rippled through your skull. You felt droplets of blood begin drip down your forehead.

Once you were able to process the predicament you were now in, you tried to squirm out of the demon’s grasp. He let out another laugh, clearly amused by your attempts at escape. "Oh, my dear. You're not getting away that easily. I've been waiting for this moment since that tyrant welcomed you through our gates. And since that lackey of his let you stay...I figured there was no better time than this."

You gulped, the color draining from your face. Your mind raced with disturbing thoughts and images of what this beast planned on doing to you. 

He lifted his palm to your face and a long claw traced your throat. "At first I was just going to tear you apart and consume you- body and soul...But now I see why those idiot brothers are so infatuated with you." He leaned down and breathed in your scent, licking the lobe of your ear as he huffed. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” you screamed, trying your best to free yourself from his grip. 

He let out a sickening chuckle as he reeled his hand back. He swung his open palm hard at your face, the connection feeling as if you'd been hit by a freight train. The room spun wildly as you tried to refocus your vision. You attempted to call on Lucifer using your pact, but the mark only just flickered. You couldn't focus enough to summon him because of the pain.

The demon grinned widely at the newly formed hopelessness that painted your features and noticing your failed attempts at summoning your boyfriend to your side. He lowered his voice to a soft grumble. "I think I’ll claim you as my own first. I'm sure that will suck the pride right out of him."

Your swallowed the lump that had now formed in your throat. You weren't sure what he was getting at, but the mention of pride must have meant something to do with Lucifer. Your eyes widened in a newly formed fear when his clawed hand began to tear at your clothes and he unbuttoned his jeans. You now understood his intentions, and you screamed as loud as you physically could- hoping someone- anyone- would free you from the brute's grasp.

"Screaming will do you no good. No one is coming for you." He gave you a threatening smirk. He began leaving bite marks along your frame. He dragged his teeth down your body as he explored aimlessly with his tongue.

You begged and pleaded with the demon to free you, but to no avail. Your body tensed as he began slashing through your undergarments. Tears spilled from your eyes as you screamed. The demon nipped at the tears rolling down your cheeks, the pain from where his hand struck you was overwhelming. His cackling laughter made you feel nauseas and you begged silently for Lucifer and his brothers to hurry. You tried telling the demon you swore not to tell Lucifer if he freed you, but he just shook his head and glared in response.

"If I'm risking my life by going after the most protected whore in hell, I'm going to ensure it was worth it." He gripped his hand around your throat, and you felt something prod at your entrance. Before you could continue your protests, he thrusted inside you.

You screamed in agony at the excruciating pain that the foreign phallus inside you caused. Because your body received no preparation, warm pools of blood began exiting your vaginal entrance. Your vision continue to spin as the air flow was slowly cut off by the demons grasp against your throat. As he continued his abuse, you saw him place his hand down to your entry and lick the warm, ruby liquid off of his claws.

You weren't sure how long it took for the demon to complete his torture, but it seemed like an eternity. You knew he had ejaculated at least once, but despite the added lubrication, the pain persisted, becoming increasingly unbearable with each thrust. Your mind wandered to Lucifer, and a wave of shame washed over you. Every time you had gotten to the point of having sex with him, you panicked and asked him to stop. You saw the disappointment on his face, but he wouldn't ever do something like that against your will. But now, what was supposed to have been your first pleasurable and devoted experience with your gentle lover was now tainted by the revolting beast on top of you. Your body felt so unclean...so polluted...how could he love you now?

When you finally heard the sound of the brothers calling out to you, your heart lifted. You tried to scream, but only whimpers escaped your vocal cords. the demon clamped his hand over your mouth. You yelped at the sudden feeling of him exiting your sex and he gave you a foul, toothy grin.

"I guess I ran out of time." He whispered in your ear. His hot, musty breath against the side of your face made you gag. "I guess I won't get to taste much more of you today.” He sprouted wings from his back and moved to your window frame, winking to you as he leapt.

Your vision began to fade, and a sharp ringing began reverberating through your skull. The sound of pounding on your bedroom door made you turn your attention from the window. You slowly rolled yourself over and tried to push off the floor, desperate to open the door, but you had forgotten that your arm had been dislocated. The pain caused you to scream out, and a wave of nausea washed over you. Vomit spattered over the floor in front of you and collapsed into a mixture of your own fluids.

The bedroom door burst open, and Lucifer stood before you. A look of utter terror was present on his features. You lifted your head only centimeters off the ground and tried to speak, looking into his panic-stricken eyes...but unconsciousness took over your body and your head fell back to the floor.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Lucifer saw your initial text appear in the group chat and immediately something felt off. Anxiety rose in his chest upon seeing your response indicating the door was now not only unlocked, but wide open. A picture confirming this made his heart jump to his throat. He knew that they needed to leave. Now.

"My apologies, Lord Diavolo- but we must take our leave immediately. We need to check on Mc." Lucifer was already walking toward the doors of the student council room before Diavolo could give him a reply. The rest of the brothers jumped to their feet and followed him out.

Because he was the strongest of the 7 by a long shot, his brothers had a slightly slower gate than him. He hated having to constrict his pace for them to keep up, but he needed to give direction when they arrive at the house. His heart nearly stops when he felt your pact mark on his chest flicker. You were trying to call for him, but something was interfering with your ability to complete it. He yelled at the others to pick up the pace as he increased his speed. He hoped you were able to follow his instruction and blockade yourself in your room. He was damn close praying that you were safe...that he wouldn't be too late.

Once he rounded the corner on the house, the front door was as you had said- wide open. He stopped at the door frame and turned to his brothers, who made their way through the gates shortly thereafter. He instructed Mammon to fly around the perimeter. Satan and Asmodeus were instructed to search the downstairs, Levi would check the tombs, Belphegor was assigned to follow him upstairs, and Beelzebub was instructed to scan the entry for evidence. He told them all to keep an eye out for intruders and you. With their instructions taken, Lucifer knew the most important thing now was to make sure you were alright.

He hurled himself up the stairs with Belphie taking the opposite end of the hall. He ran to your room, frantically calling your name. The sound of your distant whimpers had his eyes widening in fear. He knew was moving rather quickly, but time seemed to move in slow motion. When he arrived at your door he pounded harshly with no regard for the door's stability. He heard you yelp, followed immediately by violent retching. Fuck it all, He cursed under his breath. He stepped back and threw his entire weight into the door, crashing it open.

His eyes locked with yours. His whole body shook with a mixture of rage, disgust, sadness, and guilt. At his feet lay your nude form, wounded and bleeding profusely. Your eyes fluttered and your head fell to the floor as you lost consciousness. He immediately pulled out his phone as he kneeled next to your body. His thoughts raced so quickly that there wasn't a single one he could savor to provide some sort of stability.

Lucifer mindlessly dialed Simeon's number as he placed his finger to your bruised neck. He breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered your pulse. He cradled your face delicately in his hand, stroking the cuts on your cheek gently as he waited for an answer.

"Lucifer?" Simeon was surprised to see that he had called. "What-"

"Get over here." He choked out, only now realizing how close he was to tears.

"What? What’s going on?!" Simeon was alarmed at his tone.

"Mc…She's hurt." He muttered breathlessly. "Just get here. Now."

He hung up and tossed his phone to the side. He searched your face for signs of arousal and noticed your eyelids twitching. He made note of the fact that you likely had a concussion. As he waited for Simeon to come aid in healing you, he scanned your body and made note of every cut, bruise, break, and blemish that appeared on your skin. Both for a report to Simeon so he knew where to act first, and for the beatings he would deal to the demon who dared to mutilate you in this way.

As his thoughts lingered to the torturous fate that would befall the lowlife of a demon who had the balls to break in to the HOL and attack his beloved human, he picked up an unfamiliar scent. The adrenaline must have prevented him from noticing it before, but it was consuming his orifice now. His crimson eyes fell on the lower half of your body. A feeling of absolute horror drenched him upon the realization that the demon had scented you and your space so fiercely. It was only now that he had understood that the brute had penetrated your vulva, and tainted you with his seed. His gaze fixed on how the white emissions collected on the floor with the excessive blood that oozed out from between your legs. He balled his fists in rage and the corners of his vision began to shrink as a dark grey hue clouded his vision.

How dare this pile of filth violate her in such a way. His thoughts practically roared through his head. She didn't deserve this fate. If I had been a little faster, this wouldn't have happened...

"Lucifer?" A soft voice jolted him out of his wrath and he whipped his head around to meet Simeon's gaze. "What hap-" Simeon took two steps and his eyes fell on you. His eyes widened in shock and he tried (and failed) to contain his gags at the site of you- his precious lamb- brutalized and bloodied.

Lucifer stood and gripped Simeon by the shoulders. "Heal them." He whispered. Little emotion was detected in neither his eyes nor his voice. "You can use my room. Take whatever you need. I'll gather the others."

Simeon nodded nervously and turned his attention toward you. He sucked in a breath and knelt before you, checking your injuries and responses to touch.

Lucifer walked across the hall to his room and opened the door, temporarily dropping the wards he had placed around it to keep his brothers out. As he passed by your room once more, he glanced at your face. Simeon had just covered you with his shall and was gathering you in his arms in an attempt to move you. His mind flashed back to the night Belphegor killed you and how similarly your head slumped over his arm as he cradled your lifeless form. He shook the thought from his head and tightened his fists. No. Not again.

He gathered the others and informed them of Simeon's arrival and assistance in healing you. Each brother took to a task that would aid in your recovery- Satan was tasked with assisting Simeon and ensuring none of the other brothers would disturb him while he treated you; Asmo was assigned to put together a care kit for you with items that would be more fitting for delicate wounds, as well as contacting Solomon for some pain-relieving potions; Beel and Levi were instructed to repair the entry way; and Mammon and Belphie were tasked with cleaning your room, as well as removing the scent of the demon who had hurt you. After the tasks were complete and you were stabilized, they would all put together a list of things you would need in your recovery, with Simeon’s assistance.

As for Lucifer...well...he had other matters to attend to before he was able to focus his attention on you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Lucifer stalked silently through shadows of of west Devildom. The scent of your attacker still fresh in his mind- a scent he wouldn't likely forget for millennia to come. He had traced him to the seediest area in all of Devildom, which came as no surprise. The few demons that lingered in the streets scattered when they felt Lucifer's vengeful aura. The last time he felt wrath like this was when Satan had been formed. The only difference was that now, he had an easy target for his rage. He had to focus the energy on finding your assailant. That was the only thing that would bring him any relief.

Suddenly, he felt the scent grew stronger. It pulled him toward a dark Alleyway between a dive bar and an abandoned housing complex. Lucifer quietly peered into the darkness, doing his best to mask the rage that brewed within him so he would go undetected. He witnessed the outline of a lower demon eating the mutilated remains of a succubus. The scent he followed was from the living beast- that much was obvious. And he thanked Diavolo that he was quick enough to save this from being your fate.

The demon stilled, sensing he was being watched. Lucifer knew he needed to act quickly before the demon could try to escape. He moved effortlessly through the darkness and within seconds, he was behind the scum with his hands crossed over his chest.

"It seems you've been quite busy today." Lucifer snarled through gritted teeth.

The lower demon whipped around, tumbling backwards over the body he had been munching on. His eyes widened with shock. “L-Lucifer.” He stuttered before sprouting his wings and attempting to flee. Lucifer grasped his tail and dragged him back down to his eye level, earning a whimper from the demon.

“Its not what it seems, i swear!! I-I only fucked her because she begged me to!” the demon spat, his lies displayed obviously on his face. “It’s not my fault she's a fucking whore!”

Lucifer scrunched his face in a mixture of disgust and fury. The audacity that this repulsive vermine had in using such a word to describe you only fed his rage.

The demon opened his mouth to speak again but before he could, Lucifer extended his claws and plunged them into the demons throat. He gagged and sputtered as he stared desperately into Lucifer's contempt-filled eyes. In moments, Lucifer wrenched the Demons tongue out of his throat and cast it to the ground beside him. The demon screamed in pain as blood spurted from his esophagus.

Lucifer grinned at the site of the pathetic demon before him. He was just getting started.

A crowd formed near the end of the alleyway to watch the impending torture, but Lucifer couldn’t care less. If anything, he welcomed the audience to remind them that he is not to be crossed. His silent intention was inflicting a pain 100 times worse back onto the demon who had harmed you in such a monstrous way, and boy was he following through on that promise.

Lucifer released his grip on the demon's tail, who again tried to flee, but was quickly captured again in Lucifer's grasp- this time by his right wing. Lucifer unhinged his jaw and sunk his teeth into the demon's shoulder blade- where the base of the wing met the demon's body. The demon screeched, blood spraying the wall before him. Lucifer ripped a chunk of flesh from the demon and spat it to the ground. He then pressed his claws slowly into the demons back and grasped the ligaments attaching the bone of his wing the Teras muscle, and yanked. Lucifer relished in the demon's cries in pain- knowing it truly was the sound of justice being served.

Lucifer threw the demon into the brick wall of the adjacent building. He groaned at the impact but instantly regained his composure given the circumstances. One glance at Lucifer's face drained all the remaining color from his own and he attempted to scamper away on all fours. Lucifer smirked as he stomped on the demon’s ankle as he passed by, earning the sound of bone crushing beneath his heal. Another agonizing wail echoed through the alley as lucifer twisted his heel on the demon’s leg. He had the demon pinned. As much as he tried, the demon could not free himself. He turned to meet Lucifer's eyes, gurgling at him. Blood splattered all over the ground as he attempted to beg for his life.

"You dare beg me for mercy?" Lucifer glared at the demon, his voice a low, guttural growl. "After what you've done to her?"

The demon clasped his palms together and continued his attempted pleas, as if to try to appeal Lucifer's more merciful tendencies that were sometimes apparent when you- his lover- was at his side.

Lucifer felt wrath begin to bubble in his stomach once more as visions of your body- bloody, abused, and discarded- flooded into his mind. He clenched his fists so tightly that it drew blood from his palms. He dropped to his knees, pinning the demon's lower half beneath him. His anger only grew as the demon attempted to wriggle out from underneath him. He imagined you doing the same, begging for the demon to let you go.

"Please...have mercy..." Lucifer could hear your pained voice echoing through his head. It was followed by the sickening audio of your whimpers and screams at the abuse inflicted upon you.

Lucifer wound back his arm and punched the demon in the stomach as hard as he physically could. The demon spewed up the remains of the succubus on impact, sobbing at the anguish felt by the brutal mauling Lucifer was inflicting upon him. He reeled back his fist once more, and landed another punch- this time on the demon's sternum. He felt the demon's breath hitch as he struggled to regain his lung capacity. He landed blow after blow to the demon’s chest and stomach.

Lucifer paused his assault, breathing heavily, his heart ached with fury and sorrow for your pleas of mercy that were ignored. He grabbed the demon by the collar of his shirt and brought him up to meet his glare, Lucifer’s nose only an inch away from the demon's face.

"Did you grant her mercy when you threw her to the floor?" Lucifer hissed, slamming the demon's body back into the ground.

The demon gave a low groan, his eyes slightly dazed at the impact of his head meeting the ground.

Lucifer gripped the demons left arm. "Did you grant her mercy when you broke her arm?" With a flick of his hand, the demon's radial and ulna bones protrude through his skin.

The demon screeched, his body shrieking in agony at the perforation in his skin. He was now snapped out of his daze.

"Did you give her mercy when you sunk your teeth into her flesh?" Lucifer's voice became a feral growl as he landed a punch right in the side of the demon's face, causing teeth to careen from his mouth onto the dirty pavement.

The demon coughed blood, sobs escaping between breaths.

Lucifer placed a talon to the demon's throat, leaning in close. "Did you grant her mercy when you choked the air from her lungs?" He pressed on the demon's throat, blood beginning to draw from the open wound he was creating. The demon gurgled and gripped Lucifer's arm with his unmaimed hand, attempting to pull it further into his throat. It was as if he was imploring Lucifer to just kill him.

For a moment, he considered it.

But then, Lucifer felt an unspeakable rage flare within his soul. He remembered seeing his beloved’s abused vulva coated in this excrement's seed. He remembered her rasped breathing as she looked at him with eyes full of shame. He remembered the way her head lolled as Simeon lifted her- her beautiful energetic body now maimed and nearly lifeless. He knows the trauma will haunt her for the rest of her life.

And the fact that this scum thinks he deserves a quick death? It made his blood boil.

Lucifer retracted his claws and leaned back. He lifted himself up from the demon, who looked at him in shock. For a second, he thought that Lucifer's punishment had concluded and that he would continue on his way. That is, until a torturous pain sored through the demon's entire lower half, moving its way through his spine and sending blinding shockwaves of agony through his entire body.

Lucifer's foot rested on the demon's crotch from where he had just stomped down. Blood pooled underneath the heel of his loafer, clearly from the eruption of the demon's testicles. The demon burst into the loudest and most agonizing wail yet after his brain processed the source of the pain. He clawed at Lucifer's leg, trying as hard as he could to get him to release the hold he had on his genitals.

Lucifer bent over, his voice now a terrifying roar. "And do you think there was any mercy given when you stole her innocence? When you forcibly probed her insides? When you continued fulfilling your revolting desires despite her screams for you to stop? When you coated her with your seed in an attempt to mark her as your property? Was there even a speck of mercy then?"

The other demons that stood in the alleyway watched in wide-eyed horror, making a mental note to never give Lucifer's lover even a passing glance for fear they would suffer a fate even a fourth that of their comrade- especially after realizing what that demon had done to her.

Lucifer finally lifted his foot and stepped back, watching the demon writhe on the ground, clutching his now shattered genitals. His screams echoed across the alley, and could probably be heard throughout all of Devildom.

Lucifer drew his claws once more and gripped the demon by the neck. His talons were like needles piercing the demon's flesh, but he knew the scum would shortly begin to go into shock- negating any of the pain he would continue to inflict upon him. With his wings spread wide, he took to the air, keeping the demon in his firm clutch.

Once high enough, Lucifer took one last look at the demon before him. He wished he could hurt him more- make him feel the ache that burned so deeply in his chest when he thought of your brutalized body- but he knew that any further torture would not be felt by the demon. Lucifer gave him an icy smile as he uttered his final words.

"I truly hope whatever the next life brings you is even more painful than anything I could have ever done. You truly are the most vile creature that has ever crossed my path." And with that, he released his grip.

The demon fell through the air as Lucifer stared. The demon thought for sure he would and break every bone left unbroken in his body upon striking the ground, but held out some hope that he would just die upon impact and not have to life the remainder of his life in agony. To his unfortunate surprise, his chest was pierced on the spire atop the building Lucifer had been hovering over. He screeched at the gaping wound left by the spire. He tried to pull himself off of it, only resulting in his body being propelled further toward the thick base of the spike. He gasped for air as the pain continued for what seemed like an eternity. The last thing the demon saw before death consumed him was Lucifer's glowing vermillion eyes. He found himself filled with regret as he passed his final breath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part two

[adhdstudybitch]

Hey so I was wondering if you or any of your followers had any tips/experience with how to stop/lessen masking while in therapy?

ADHD and/or Autistic masking! I think it might be a mix of both for me, but I'm not sure. 🤔

Context if it's needed: I have several comorbities, as well as some physical health issues, and have honestly been struggling mentally for a really long time. But even with therapy I haven't been able to be fully helped because my instinct to mask and act like "everything is fine!" is so strong.

I've been trying my best with being open and honest in my appointments, but it feels like instead of relaxing that barrier, I'm pushing it down by force. Doing it this way means there's a LOT of resistance, and as soon as I stop consciously trying to be open, the barrier snaps back up. Inner me feels very much like a panicking, cornered, desperate animal.

In order to get help, I know I need to admit that I need help. And I do admit it! Wholeheartedly! But everytime I try and reach out/open up, I find myself furiously backpedaling almost immediately.

I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any insight my fellow ADHDers may have.

[Addition: I did bring this up with my therapist, but based on how hard it is for me to function right now, she's encouraging me to "focus on the basics" and do my best to care for myself until I'm in a better/settled place emotionally and not worry about getting into "deeper" therapy things. I agree (though i think i need some extra direction on what "basic" is 😳) but I would still like some input for the future plz!!]

(Also, I'm sending an ask like this to a few different adhd blogs so I can get different suggestions from different people to try out, so if you see this elsewhere that's why)

(This got long sorry)

Thanks!!!!

-Ani

I’m sorry dear, I saw this ask the other day and thought I responded!

I’ve struggled with this issue in the past as well. I had one therapist who took me about 4 months to fully open up to, even though I knew I needed to stop masking in order to get the most out of therapy. I just had so many walls up and was worried about people seeing the true depth of my emotions and struggles.

I definitely think it’s worth asking her to clarify what she means by “the basics” to give you a better idea of what you can focus on. At the same time, if she wants you to be more settled in an emotional way that does, to a certain extent, mean that you need to be able to talk about your emotions openly. It might be helpful to tell her that you’d like to work on opening up little by little each session. It’s not going to happen all at once but change over time is important progress.

One thing that might help is keeping a journal of your emotions and deeper thoughts about your mental health. You can also write about events that happened that caused strong emotions. Highlight the things you know you’d want to bring up to her if you weren’t masking. Bring this to therapy and challenge yourself to read one highlighted thing each session if possible. She’ll probably take it from there. It’s scary at first but it’ll help to chip away at that mask little by little.

These are of course just suggestions and you don’t have to follow them if you feel like they won’t be a good fit. I’m gonna throw this to my followers because I’m certain others can relate to this!

(Sorry about any typos, my brain is full of worms today)

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

What's a common thread between ADHD and the asexuality spectrum? The answer might surprise you.

A while back, an ADHD user said in response to my question, “how did mindfulness exercises go?” a single word, “dissociation.”

It was only long after I had replied, that I had to remind myself that people think of dissociation as a scary thing.

I had to remind myself that a psychotherapist I once knew was pretty unorthodox, and gave me perspective on the matter that defused all the mysteriousness and internalized socialized discomfort surrounding it, which is ultimately rooted in both fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, and maybe a little bit of stigma, too.

Naturally, I do not talk about these sorts of things with general people IRL, so newly having a ‘conversation’ online about it did not jostle my awareness of others’ attitudes like it probably should have.

Things like anxiety and ADHD are, let’s say, more “ordinary” neurodivergences. (remember, the word applies to ALL mental illnesses, also, not just traits. Many don't consider most cases of ADHD an 'illness,' nor a lot of presentations of autism)

Those are more "ordinary." They don’t mash that “this is weird” button, so much as simply “this is very unpleasant.”

But dissociation can be the former, and not the latter.

Let me back up and explain that a bit.

People see dissociation as undesirable.

But why is it, you should ask.

Leave aside questions of physical safety. I’m just talking about sitting down somewhere, and there is no risk to you.

In the typical view, it’s not just another operation the brain can do, or an altered mind state, as we discussed it, rather, it is somehow considered a “bad” outcome.

When, ironically, for many forms of mind training, which we’ll put under the umbrella term “meditation” for simplicity’s sake, the end goal is a type of on-command dissociative state.

Whether you are internalizing your attention, externalizing your attention, or just trying to get that danged mind chatter to shut up for once and give you some peace, whichever way you are sliding along that scale, there is always the route open to you to pursue this ultimate peace.

So this person, who was trying out mindfulness?

Think, if you switched all the aircraft cockpit switches to check if everything was lighting up correctly. But instead of being an experienced pilot, you had no idea what would happen once you started testing everything out.

Accidentally withdrawing your physical senses, and seeming to distance your “self” from your body, which experienced practitioners do without batting an eye, (pun intended) would seem like a dysfunction rather than a built-in feature.

Quieting those areas of the brain dedicated to sense perception is quite a lovely experience, when you are educated on it, do it on purpose, and expect it.

Whereas anxiety is almost never a positive experience, unless it’s not really overwhelming or potent, and you’ve 'reframed' it such that it’s exciting, like any other adrenaline junkie bender.

The milder forms of dissociation, termed depersonalization or derealization, that seem to be quite common among asexual people, are also often considered as a negative thing, instead of just the current, value-neutral state of mind, which is trainable.

A much more common and even milder form happens when we sink into routine. Ever had a stretch of weeks on a job where you look back and you feel like you were sort of “automated”? Like you weren’t really present? You’re somehow a little surprised that that much time has passed?

That “time dilation,” accompanied also sometimes by a distorted sense of chronological sequence happens a lot with ADHD people, regardless of circumstances, but most everyone in the populace has experienced it at some point, barring perhaps the super privileged who have never been forced into a literally “mind numbing” job.

Maybe you’ve also experienced the sensation where you get into a car, perhaps when you’re on a familiar route you’ve driven a thousand times, or especially on long road trips, and you seem to zone out and lose time.

The brain is pretty good at conserving energy.

This is what she tells her patients, to calm their sympathetic nervous system. It circumvents that distress, that health-sapping stress response to this ultimately harmless “weird” experience, vastly improving their quality of life:

Dissociation is a continuum- many forms of it are common. Not some super strange thing corralled in a small corner of the sum total of human experience.

“Reframing” these things is essential to attaining incrementally improved mental health.

Clearing away all the internalized judgement, the feelings of wrongness, etc.

Just one more step out of the norm.

Just another neurodivergence.

It is conceptualized as unnerving when it happens suddenly and sharply, though, because it is so different from “ordinary” everyday experience.

The same way one person who hasn’t been around dogs much might react to a large dog barking with fear, and another person standing next to them having the exact same experience, trained and knowledgeable in recognizing true aggression versus excitement or mild warning, would not feel threatened.

Yes, having that particular toggle out of your grasp may be annoying and to those not given this perspective, frightening. (And if other personalities are involved, that gets much more complicated!!) But, consider. One of my mentors said calmly once, that she lost time for, say, 10 or 15 minutes while sitting down quite regularly, and felt very recharged and energized afterwards. It’s not exactly like sleep, because there’s not that head nodding and relaxation of muscles. Almost instantly gone, and instantly aware again, not that feathery transition as happens when drowsing or gradually falling asleep.

I hypothesize to her that this had probably started up because she’s involuntarily dropping into a deep delta or theta brainwave state for a bit, because that’s what she does in ‘brain entrainment’ recordings. (The frequencies are very good for relaxation when you're anxious and have a hard time unwinding yourself, others are good for focus during studying, and are therefore used by ADHD people) Unless she wants to pay some big lab to measure her neuron firing frequency though, there’s no way to tell for sure. The point is, that she directly benefits from this ‘taking a break’ from thinking. She is not bothered in the least by her mind occasionally saying, ‘you know what, I’m overwhelmed right now, gonna switch off for a bit.’ When someone gives their mind this permission to pause from its worries and senses, each the internal and external input, sometimes this is the outcome. It is not a problem to her whatsoever that this toggle occasionally moves of its own accord.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

But she understands it.

People are afraid of new experiences.

But to her, it’s old hat. On an MRI, each of the parts of the brain dedicated to the senses dim. Occipital lobe for sight, temporal lobe for hearing, etc.

If I were brushed up on the neuroanatomy of this process better, I could also name the parts dedicated to internal imput that would grow dimmer as she entered that state. Heck, they study this stuff so much, when interviewing meditation practitioners and testing for stuff like blood flow changes as their attention shifts, those images probably already exist.

Dissociation is not a mysterious thing.

It serves a purpose.

It’s your brain’s ‘energy saver’ mode.

Or in some cases, ‘recharge.’

So, to the person who argued that ADHD people should be cautious about using mindfulness? I must ask again, why?

Why would you forgo the benefits? Why would they tell others to do so??

Usually the main reasons dissociation causes problems, that aforementioned therapist says, is that people are overloaded to the point where it happens not when they’re relaxed, and can daydream or drift, but randomly when there’s too much pressure in their lives.

The fear response to it is just like any other overactive fear response or phobia- with time and therapeutic work, they are all resolvable.

/////////

#this post is NOT about dissociative identity disorder #only mentioned it in passing to separate it from the discussion

[missskzbiased]

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (10)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader  X Han X OC

WC: ~ 4,7K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness (?)

Updates: Tuesdays [Today I’m posting it a little bit earlier just because] [Also, I have up to chap 12 written but I’ve been blocked/busy to write. I already started chap 13 but the updates may be changed in the future]

Tagging: @aliceu @thatrandomoneinthecorner  @channiewoo

                                               /////

     “Holy Shit!” You sputtered, stumbling over your feet.

      Chan’s arm immediately wrapped around your waist, steading you as you tried to support yourself on the wall; eyes wide like saucers and mouth agape, utterly surprised by the scene you ran into so early in the morning. Hyunjin rubbed his eyes, dragged steps trying to bring him to the living room to check what startled you and Chan that much.

    “Holy shit!” He blurted out, suddenly looking awake. You would have laughed at him in other circumstances but right now you could only focus on Paris and Han sleeping together on the couch. Their bodies were covered with a thick blanket, and you could only hope for them to be fully dressed under there.

    Actually, that was kind of cute.

    As soon as the shock dissolved, you took in the scene. Though the blanket didn’t allow you to see much, you assumed Paris was lying right on top of Han, head resting on the crook of his neck. She nuzzled him, nose rubbing against his neck, which made him squirm a little bit, humming as he adjusted himself, probably hugging her under the sheets. You gave them a small smile, looking at Chan and Hyunjin with soft eyes.

    “Don’t look at me like this, you’re going to clean that couch if his butt touched my cushion” Chan hissed, arms untangling from your waist. He made his way to the kitchen, looking for something to eat “We don’t have anything for breakfast…” He sighed, looking at Hyunjin.

    “I didn’t think about it” He shrugged, and Chan pursed his lips, nodding in disappointment.

    “Of course you didn’t” He rolled his eyes, straightening himself and closing the refrigerator “I guess I’ll order something before we wake them up” He looked at you in doubt, wondering if it was a good plan. You frowned, looking at him in shock.

    “Why the fuck you’re going to order breakfast? Are you nuts?” You scoffed, studying your outfit. Sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt. Good enough to go get some stuff “I’m going to buy something real quick” You offered, heading to the door.

    “By yourself?” Hyunjin asked surprised. You arched your brow, looking at him in question “No, I mean… Shouldn’t one of us go with you? Actually, just let us order something, it’ll be way easier” He rambled. You sighed, rolling your eyes before looking at Chan.

     “I’ll be back in a min—“ Your answer was abruptly cut off by a startled Paris. She shrieked, floundering to lift her body, completely embarrassed by the situation. You assumed her attempt to lift her body wasn’t really gentle to Han’s torso, because he shut his eyes open, coughing and trying to move, startled by whatever was happening, which just served to drop Paris to the ground.

    She ended up dragging the blanket with her, uncovering Han to display a fully dressed boy with a damn hangover. He shoots his hand to his eyes, covering them in an attempt to make the light less painful, uncovering the next second to check what was the soft thud followed by a whine that reached his ears. He lifted himself just a little bit, looking to the ground, being greeted by a huge blanket covering something unknown to him.

    “What the actual fuck?” He muttered, covering his eyes again, trying to sit up. The whine came right away. He curled himself on the couch, bringing his knees closer to his chest and holding his head as he rested his forehead on his knee, utterly done with the day.

    Paris wasn’t much better.

    She got rid of the blankets, upset by her fall, a frown carved on her face. She cupped her temples, lips quirking down, another whine leaving her lips as she probably realized she had a hangover. She mimicked Han, curling up and shielding her eyes from the light.

    “Everything good?” You checked, and both of them hissed at you, complaining you were too loud. You sighed, looking at Chan “Do you happen to have some med?” You asked, feeling too young to be the mother of both of your friends. You glanced over at them, snorting as you studied their exact same antics, finding it kind of amusing.

   Chan made his way back to his room, going to look for some pills, and you stood there watching Han and Paris whining like kids. You chuckled before looking at Hyunjin, who seemed quite amused at the situation himself. You approached him, nudging his side.

   “They’re so gonna die of embarrassment later” You grinned, and this time he giggled, nodding and crossing his arm.

    “I’m not going to let them live it down” He promised.

                                                              ////

    “Well, that’s all for today” Mr.Lee announced, standing up before looking around the class. You closed your notebook, shoving it into your bag like everybody else, hoisting your bag over your shoulder to get up but sitting back as Mr.Lee raised his hand, asking silently for all of you to stay a little bit more “Before you all go, I want to ask for feedback about your essay. As you may know, it was the first time I gave you an essay like this, so… Well, I guess I want to hear you out”    

    “I think it was pretty invasive” Someone raised their hand, stiffly exposing their opinion “Also, we could have more time… It’s not exactly easy to put all your life in someone’s hand when you don’t know them” You nodded in agreement. Although you had ended up with Paris and Hyunjin, you could imagine how hard it was for the groups who didn’t know each other.

    Embarrassing, to say the least.

    “I agree” Someone else raised their hand, boldly crossing their arms right after, a challenging look across their face “How were we supposed to give all our lives to someone to discuss when we didn’t even know this person? We had two weeks to know one another… It’s not like we can just trust people like this” It was a good point. You looked at Mr.Lee, who hummed, nodding at the input.

   “I’ll admit that this was one of my goals” He said, thoughtfully grabbing his chin “The whole point was to put all of you on the spot, just like a patient feels when they go to therapy. I understand it’s hard… Also, in therapy, you have the law beside you stating the psychologist can’t spread your life around… But the vulnerability itself was my point” He seemed pleased with their discomfort, and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

   You never felt as vulnerable as you felt talking about yourself and your family issues with Paris. If that was the whole point, he did an amazing job embarrassing you all. You looked at Paris, narrowing your eyes as you pondered his arguments. Indeed, even if she was a “psychologist” to the project, she also had to put her story in both your hand and Hyunjin’s, so she was on spot too, even if she didn’t need to discuss it with you.

    There was no one to be saved there.

   “Let me ask you this… How many of our fake psychologists think they had a positive impact on your group?” He looked around and so did you. Some people raised their hands, including Paris, who smiled proudly, chest puffed out “Now, how many of you think that impact could replace a real therapy?” You looked around again.

    Not one hand raised.

    “Good, good” He said softly, nodding in approval “You aren’t psychologists and therapy is way different than this activity. I want you guys to understand that it’s hard to open up and you, as a psychologist, won’t be the only one studying what is right in front of you… Patients are logical and judging human beings like all of us. They can and will study you” He walked around, hands to his back, watching all of you “They know you are analyzing them and they will choose you based on something. It can be your empathy, it can be your responsiveness to them, it can be the apparent lack of judgment… It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that none of you are better than them, and the sooner you realize it, the better”

    You took in everything he said.

     He was good.

     “Lastly, who would consider going to a therapist after all the debates you guys did for this project?” You raised your hand immediately, looking around to see if anyone else would raise their hands. To your surprise, a lot of people did, such as Hyunjin, who didn’t seem too comfortable to raise it fully in the air, shyly letting his hand hover over his lowered head.

     Your eyes met Paris, hands rested on her lap.

     Really?

    Mr.Lee finally waved his hands dismissively, allowing all of you to go. You got up again, followed by Paris and Hyunjin – and all of your classmates, eager to just go anywhere else –, hoisting your bag over your shoulder and heading to the stairs. You risked a glance at Paris before clearing your throat.

    “No therapist?” You asked curiously, and she gave you an amused look, chuckling.

     “Why? Do you think I need it or something? I think I’m pretty well by myself” She sounded placid, her face totally at ease, as if she didn’t give much thought to your question. You shrugged casually studying your surroundings before returning your gaze to her.

     “Well, we all need someone to talk to” You said hesitantly, and she eyed you weirdly, ready to confront you. Before she could say anything, though, Hyunjin joined the conversation. He had a teasing smirk adorning his lips, a mischievous glint on his eyes warned both of you about his intentions.

     “She already has someone, right, Paris?” She rolled her eyes, groaning and throwing her head back as if she could ask God to take him away at any moment now “I just don’t know if they talk much… I’m sure as hell they cuddle a lot, though” You chuckled, shaking your head amused by him. Paris blushed, gaze fixed on the ground.

    “She won’t even say anything! I guess she just fell like this” You joked, getting an approving nod from Hyunjin. He looked proudly at you, glad to know you were going to join him in annoying her “I’ve heard you and Han have a project together this week” You grinned, making her scoff and push you lightly, holding the strap of her bag tightly before looking at you.

    “Yeah, I kinda told you that yesterday” She pointed out sarcastically “Really, guys… Will you ever let it go? I was drunk” She gave you her puppy eyes, which normally would have some effect on you but not today. You chuckled, nudging her too, smirking as you saw her pointed look at you, grumpily waiting for whatever you had to say.

  “Please!” You rolled your eyes “Even in your drunkest days you never woke up on top of me!” You accused, and she groaned again, clutching her cheeks and pulling them down. Hyunjin chuckled at her reaction before nudging her, pointing ahead to the stairs.

   “Oh, look! Boyfriend is waiting for you” He teased, pointing to Han, who waited for you on the stairs, nervously gripping his backpack’s straps. Paris shouted to get his attention out of habit, which just intensified your teasing until you got next to him. You and Hyunjin smirked at him as soon as you reached him, throwing him a suggestive look.

    “What’s up?” He tried to break the ice, blushing as his eyes darted between you and Paris before setting on Hyunjin “Is he going to stick with us from now on?” He asked displeased, and you were prepared to send Hyunjin away so you could head to the dining hall but Hyunjin interrupted you before you could say it.

    “Rude” He pointed out “As far as I remember, you came along to my house, and I even let you sleep on my couch with my girl” He joked. You and Paris chuckled, though she whined right after, knowing she wouldn’t be able to live it down so soon. Han seemed to blush harder─ which didn’t seem even possible─ and cleared his throat before grimacing at Hyunjin.

    “First of all, She’s not your girl” His tone was kinda threatening, and you had to fight back a smile as you glanced at a blushing Paris beside you “And what was I supposed to do? Let them with a dick like you?” He challenged, puffing his chest and trying to look more intimidating. Hyunjin scoffed at him, looking down at his eyes and grimacing.

   “I wasn’t the one who woke up drunk with someone on the couch” He sneered, stepping ahead to approach him, getting just a few inches away from Han “I don’t think you’re in any position to call me a dick” You darted your eyes between the two boys, worried. The tension built up to the point the four of you got silent, looking warily to each other, swallowing dry and clearing your throats once in a while.

    “You know what? We’re getting late to our lunch with Chan” You blurted out, locking your arm with Hyunjin’s, who gave you an astonished look. You gave a tight smile to your friends, ignoring the distressed look you got from Han and the confused frown Paris shot your way “See you guys later! Bye!” You waved your hand, dragging Hyunjin along with you hurriedly.

    “I’m sorry but what the fuck?!” Hyunjin looked at your arms locked, brows knitting together as he looked at them incredulously “I don’t recall Chan saying anything about a lun—“ You glanced back to make sure Paris and Han wouldn’t be looking at you, dropping his arm and interrupting him immediately.

    “I don’t want you guys to fight” You waved dismissively “Also, it’s better if they got some alone time together, don’t you think?” You snorted. He hummed in agreement, straightening up and peeking at you.

   “So… Where are we going to eat?” He asked curiously, shoving his hands on his pockets casually, tilting his head to observe you.

   “What do you mean?” You scoffed, arching your brows amused. He rolled his eyes, gesturing to the dining hall impatiently.

   “Well, Chan didn’t invite us to eat so I’m assuming you’ll eat somewhere else since your friends will be there” He wagged his hand, looking at you as if you were dumb. You nodded slowly, realizing he was right.

   “I didn’t really think it through” You admitted “I can go anywhere else, that’s not a problem… One day won’t make such a difference to my final budget” You shrugged, and he nodded back, uncomfortable. You arched your brow, nodding your head in question.

   “So… That’s it” He raised his hand to wave you goodbye, stiffly standing in front of you “See you around” And that being said, both of you parted your ways.

                                                                      ////

    Wednesday was a lonely day.

    By now, you were used to having lunch by yourself and go back home to enjoy your few hours before your shift. You always treasured these two hours. It was the time you had to stay in silence, peacefully laid down on your bed, or stressfully trying to put up with your assignments.

    Usually, you didn’t open the door to find Paris and Han on the couch, though.

    “Oh?” You let out, clearly confused. Han held the guitar to his torso, looking down to the strings as he thought about something, humming as he heard Paris mumble. They raised their heads slowly, looking at you froze on the doorframe “I didn’t know you were going to be here… I just came to…” Your eyes wandered around the room, spotting your book on the table “To pick this up” You walked over to the table, smiling awkwardly before getting your book.

    “You’re going out?” Paris asked surprised. Of course, she did. She knew you liked to stay in your room at this time, even if she wasn’t home. You always beamed about your alone time on Wednesdays. You took quick steps to the door, nodding before your eyes roamed around the room, struggling to focus on them and hide your nervousness.

    “Hm… Yeah! I’m actually… I’m meeting up a friend” You stumbled around your words, letting out a fake giggle “To… Lend him this!” You raised your book, finally finding something to say “He asked me this book and I totally forgot to take it with me! Yep! That’s right” You smiled proudly, waving at them “Bye! Take your time together! See you later” You said as you closed the door behind you.

    You stood there in front of the door, blinking a few times before letting a sigh out. God, you were horrible at lying! You glanced at the door, holding the book close to your chest and ready to go to the only place you could go now that you expelled yourself from your room: The garden. You absolutely loved to lay there on the grass, watching as squirrels and birds passed by, afraid to get close to you.

    You let out a sigh.

    Definitely not your plan for the day but it would work.

    You made your way to your destination, calmly walking through the halls ─looking at the garden as you walked beside the arches, hand sliding through the baluster as you felt the soothing breeze huff your face ─, watching the green grass and the yellow flowers that you liked so much. You smiled as you watched a squirrel pick up something from the ground, quickly moving to hide it somewhere else. When it reached the tree it was aiming at, your eyes fell upon the guy who was resting there.

    It was Hyunjin.

    He seemed absorbed in his book, which was pretty surprising as you never pictured him as the reader type. Especially not an under-the-tree-reader kind of a guy. He was laid down on the grass, earbuds on and backpack supporting his head; one leg bent while the other one was straight, giving him a relaxed and composed look. As the treetop danced around with the wind, the filtered sunbeam danced around him too, making it look like there was the perfect spot to read a book.

    You averted your eyes to look around the place, noticing a few more people than usual hanging there. It wasn’t hard to notice most of them were girls simply admiring him while he was reading, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. As soon as you went down the stairs, finally getting to the grass, you made your way to him, ignoring the few pointed looks you received.

    “Hey, Hyunjin” You called but he didn’t answer.

    He must be really focused on his reading to not listen to your calling. You shadowed him, which appeared to get his attention, his startled eyes raising from the book to look at you. He took one of his earbuds out, hand hovering beside his ear as he held it, looking confused at you.

   “What are you doing here?” He asked surprised, raising his torso and sitting on the grass. He lifts his chin to look straight into your eyes, and you chuckled at his response.

    “Should I send you a warning every time I come to a public place?” You asked jokingly, and he let out a chuckle of his own, shaking his head in amusement. He closed his book mindlessly and you couldn’t help but be in stitches as you realized what happened right before your eyes.

    His phone slid from the book, and even though you couldn’t hear it, you could see the Drama playing on his screen. You covered your mouth, trying to muffle your laugh, and his eyes shot to his phone, cursing under his breath as he quickly took the phone from the ground, shoving it into his pocket. You pinched the bridge of your nose, squatting as you tried to recompose yourself, pointing out to his pockets.

    “I can’t…” You had to stop, gasping for air as you let another fit of laughter slip from your lips “… Believe you’re pretendi—“ Before you could end your sentence his hand shot to your mouth, cupping it. He jolted forwards, his other hand reaching for your nape so you wouldn’t go away from his grip and keep talking.

    “Shhh” He hissed, widening his eyes in a silent warning. You looked into his eyes, studying them until he realized what he was doing, letting go of you immediately. He looked away for a moment, seeming embarrassed before he shot you a smug look “Did you miss me or something?” He teased, and you rolled your eyes before sitting on the grass, legs crossed.

    “Yeah, that must be it” You scoffed, bracing yourself on your thighs “So…” You drew out, smirking as he looked at you annoyed, sensing you would mock him “Why are you here pretending to read… Political Science stuff?” You ended up confused, fixing the book so you could read its title.

    “Well, I’m a Political Science student” He pointed out as if it was obvious. You grimaced, flicking his book before nodding.

   “So you kinda should read it for real, hm?” You gave him a tight smile, and he snorted, nodding in agreement.

    “Okay, that’s fair enough” He shrugged “Just in case some Professor goes by… You know, I have to look smart to keep up my better-than-you facade” He smirked, expecting you to retort him or something but you just rolled your eyes again and pushed him lightly.

    “If you have the time to look like you’re better than me, you should start studying for real” You suggested, and this time he was the one who scoffed, tilting his head to the side before grinning obnoxiously.

    “Then I’d be way better than you and it would be too easy” He teased, grinning dissolving when you threw your head back groaning, making mention to get up. He grabbed your wrist, laughing “No, no, no! I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” He giggled, and you looked at him with narrowed eyes before settling back on the grass.

    “Well, what are you doing here after all?” You asked curiously, waving dismissively to his apologetic eyes. You liked to spend your time in the garden, so you’d know if he hung around your garden like this… You didn’t recall seeing him even once.

    “I come here on Wednesdays… I’m just waiting for my classes” He shrugged “What about you? I never saw you around here” He eyes you curiously, and you chuckled, hands going to the ground as you leaned slightly back, supporting yourself, straightening your legs.

    “I was going to rest before work but Paris and Han are at the dorms, so I figured I should leave them alone” You said, looking at him with a small smile. Hyunjin furrowed his brows, tilting his head to the side, confused. He waited for you to continue but you didn’t, so he frowned, deciding to speak up.

    “Okay?” He said warily “What about it?” You looked at him as if he needed a new brain, snorting before nudging him with your foot.

   “Well, They like each other so –“ Hyunjin interrupted you by chortling, looking at you as if you were a confused kid, fondly mocking you without a word. You tilted your head, confused by his reaction, waiting for his explanation.

    “You’re kidding, right?” He chuckled, looking at any signs of amusement on your face, which he didn’t find “No! Seriously?! It’s so damn obvious he likes you!” He seemed surprised by your obliviousness, and you laughed at his delusional self, shaking your head in amusement.

    “You’re crazy! He likes Paris for like… Years!” You retorted, rolling your eyes “Where did you even get that from?” You scoffed, and this time he leaned forward, legs crossed and hands fisting the grass lightly.

   “No, look… I’m sorry to break it to you but he likes you” He repeated himself, and you looked away in disbelief “No! Really! He doesn’t like Paris! Just think for a moment, Y/N! Why would he even come to punch me for thinking I made you cry?” He looked distressed, totally taken aback by the fact that you didn’t agree with him.

    “He’s my friend! Of course, he would get upset if he thought someone made me cry!” You rolled your eyes “He stands up for me and Paris all the time. It’s called friendship, Hyunjin” He scoffed, looking away before grimacing at you.

   “Okay, and why was he all riled up when we ate the hot dog that night?” He challenged. You frowned. Well… Apart from his worries about Hyunjin in general, Han didn’t really have a reason to get so upset “See? Deep down you know I’m right” He smiled triumphantly.

   “He acts differently when he’s around Paris” You retorted, crossing your arms. He rolled his eyes, sighing “I mean it! Did you see how he acts beside her?” You insisted eagerly.

   “Please… He acts differently when he’s around you” He arched his brows, as if to make his point, “That’s how he acts around you! Have you ever seen how he act around her when you’re not around? I mean it. He likes you.” He was serious, and for a moment you couldn’t take his words out of your mind.

   Was that how he acts around you not her?

   “Anyway… I don’t even know why I’m trying to make you understand it” He shrugged “It’s none of my business” He sighed, arching one brow, studying your flabbergasted expression “Though I think I made my point” He chuckled, and you shook your head.

   “No, you didn’t!” You blurted out; too eager “He likes her! He has to” You decided, settling with your previous beliefs “She likes him, you heard it yourself! And I’m sure he likes her back… They just need some alone time to get together” He sighed in defeat, giving up on the idea. As you prepared to get up, wondering where you should go to rest, he tilted his head, grabbing your wrist again. You looked down at him, and he bit his lips in doubt before speaking up.

   “Do you want to watch it together?” He asked, taking his phone out of his pocket “You can read your book too if you prefer… The tree is big enough for both of us” He smiled friendly, and you had to smile back. It was the first time he was being friendly without any suggestive or teasing remarks attached.

   “I’d love to” You nodded, crawling to the tree trunk, leaning against it. He laid down again, resting his head on his backpack and giving up on pretending to be studying, raising his phone right up his eyes, so he would be watching it in peace. You opened your book, prepared to re-read it since you had actually read it over the weekend, noticing as he glanced at you.

   “Is that book this good for you to prefer reading it instead of watching something?” He asked cautiously, and you smirked at him.

   “Yes, it is… I think you should try it” You offered, and he scoffed.

   “No way, I’m going to watch my Drama” He rolled his eyes.

   “We watch it together and then you read my book” You suggested “Then you have to be sincere about it! You can’t just decide your drama was better without trying to read it!” You looked at him accusingly, and he chuckled.

   “What is on for me?” He asked smugly, and this time you rolled your eyes to him.

   “The shame of being so wrong throughout your life that you should hide under a rock” You grimaced, making him laugh “Or maybe I’m the one who should hide under a rock…” You let the sentence hanging in the air, and he smiled confidently.

   “Deal” He agreed. You closed the book, resting it on his stomach as you laid down, resting your head on your hand, elbowing the grass.

[alexawynters]

TW

Venting. Don’t take this too seriously it’s fine I’m fine.

So my recent ex gf of 8 months (I count the time we were fucking around as well as dating bc let’s not lie I caught feels early because I’m pathetic) who broke up with me a little over two months ago is now hooking up with one of my closest friends.

Its cool. I still cry myself to sleep, have nightmares, and wake up crying throughout the night but it’s fine. I spend more time drunk than sober (I had been doing so well! It was two years since I was last an alcoholic) and replaying every red flag, every moment where I thought to myself “you know, I don’t think she really likes me, you don’t treat the people you like this way right?” And then my dumb desperate ass was like “no we’re going to overlook this because surely she would tell me right? Besides I’m asking for too much, I should just be grateful she even expressed any interest at all. Stop being needy. Stop asking for anything other than what she is giving you because you’re lucky she’s even with you, what’s wrong with you?

Like. The first two months we were together? I called my besties every other week crying because I felt like a human sex toy. She didn’t even seem to want to do relationship things. I didn’t understand why she even asked me out, I had told her before we got together if all she wanted to be was fwb that was okay. But she asked me out so I was like okay cool. You want to date me. As in be in a relationship. I’m excited for this. Let’s do relationship things. We didn’t often do relationship things. We did sexual ones instead.

Then after two months suddenly the sex all but stopped. I thought to myself okay cool every relationship hits a plateau, and levels out. This is normal. Little did I know that was the slow death of us. The. I was calling my besties every other week again, still crying, begging to know what I was doing wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t she seem interested but was still with me? What was I doing wrong? What was I not doing enough of, or too much of, or just not doing right? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to interest her beyond the bare bones minimum?

I found myself begging for her to spend time with me. I lived with roommates who were our friends, and it always felt like she wanted to spend more time with them than me. I had to ask her if we could have some “just us” nights which, rarely were ever actually just us unless we went out. There were times she would literally, every five minutes look out the window to see when my roommates were home, and I was like ???? Do you not want to spend time with me? She would go to the kitchen to get something and be gone for twenty minutes to an hour at a time, having gotten distracted and hanging out with them. Which isn’t inherently bad to be clear but it happened so often and I wondered. I never forgot about her when I was leaving the room and got stopped for a conversation. If I knew I was going to be long I would text her to invite her or let her know.

I had even told her if she wants to just hang out with them, she could. I genuinely wouldn’t have minded that. Have fun with your friends, you should. I could hang out in my room and be me (I’m incredibly introverted, autistic, and have anxiety, and the living situation had me ~*stressed*~ out) but she didn’t want to do that.

If we were out on a date, she was almost always texting, or snap chatting somebody else. I always tried to make it a point to focus on us when we were in dates, but it never felt reciprocated. I brought it up and then felt like an asshole for already asking for just us time, and now to please not be on your phone when we’re on a date. She looked so sad, like I had scolded her. I would replay it over and over in my head - I tried to be gentle and polite, not accusing or angry. I checked my words carefully and ran them by multiple people to try to be as non aggressive and non accusatory as I could before I ever spoke them to her. Clearly I didn’t succeed.

She has OCD (nothing against it and I usually found it endearing) and would sometimes go into a loop. I always tried to help her but usually just ended up frustrating her. She snapped at me on occasions including in front of my friends and didn’t often apologize for it. Something my friends brought up after she did it in front of them, and I made excuses for it. She was stressed out, I would be too, stop being so hard on her.

She never planned anything with me, I always had to do it. I brushed it off as her having anxiety and not liking planning, but when she asked me “oh we’re still doing that?” for the trip for my nieces wedding in which I was taking her to meet my (extremely judgey) family, the trip that I had been updating her on weekly about the plans trying to get any input from her on, the trip that I had to pull in favors for and grovel to get the time off to go to? I should have said never mind and cancelled it.

She didn’t even help plan my birthday. My best friends did, and showed me the texts where they were getting frustrated with her lack of input on it because she’s my girlfriend and surely she would want to participate in that? Want to help surprise me? It was my first surprise party ever. I told her thank you and she acted like she had absolutely had a hand in planning. Meanwhile my friends all got together while she and I were gone to vent about how pisses they were at her for her lack of effort.

I have some childhood trauma and I don’t like to be touched sexually. I’ll touch my partner and even enjoy it but I don’t like being touched. It triggers me. But she said no less than three times to different people “yeah I’ve still never gone down on a girl or anything” which made me feel like I wasn’t being a good enough girlfriend. So I got sex therapy. I worked through it as best I could. Not for me. I didn’t want to be touched that way but I wanted my girlfriend to be happy. I wanted to do right by her and give her everything she wanted or needed in a relationship. Right about this time is where the sex stopped. She also stopped flirting or doing things she used to do before we started/right as we started dating that were clear indicators that she liked me. (I am an oblivious idiot)

I started to get worried. Why was I working this hard if she didn’t actually want to touch me? I was happy not being touched, but now I was starting to think something was wrong. I was starting to feel like she didn’t even want me. I started asking for sex as reassurance that she was still interested. Still attracted.

She called me a horn dog.

Not just to me but also later to my best friend. I was so mortified I wanted to jump out of the window and run into traffic. *I* was a horndog? All I wanted was affection and reassurance. She said her love language was physical affection and so was mine but she rarely gave me the cuddles I needed. I would ask her for “pets” - where she would play with my hair or just run her hand up and down my arm. This for me is intimacy. I had no problems doing it for her ever but she would get annoyed when I asked, saying it was hard for her to focus on the tv.

Okay? So? I’m not asking much, I didn’t think. I stopped paying attention to the tv when I was petting her. I made her my whole focus so she would feel loved. I mean unless it was like Harry Potter but I would be mindful to alternate so she wouldn’t be left out.

She only introduced me to one of her friends (who I thought was pretty cool but I worry she hates me so I just don’t talk to her now). At first I thought this was because she was in the closet. To be clear I never had a problem with that. I would never push someone to come out before they were ready and I hate movies and media that have the partner doing that. It’s shitty and dangerous. If she felt safer in the closet more power to her. I actively went to bat for protecting that secret for her. Sometimes our friends would forget and tag her in shit that would out her. I would be in their texts and calling them immediately explaining the situation and asking them to untag or take the post down. I’m not saying that as any sort of bragging. That’s literally the least I could do. I’m saying it to illustrate that I don’t have a problem with her being in the closet. But then she told me her friends knew about us. So I was like okay cool you’ve met all of my friends and are part of the group. I’d like to meet your friends. “Um.. they’re just really busy”. I mean. Yeah so are my friends and I didn’t mean like right now I just meant maybe mention it to them and we can some time schedule a hang out. “They’re just really busy”. Red flag but okay. Gonna just. Overlook this one too. It’s fine.

I spent more nights when she visited waiting for her to fall asleep so I could cry myself to sleep over how worthless I felt. Why was I doing this? Everything hurt but maybe I was just asking too much. Had my expectations too high. I’ve been told that before. Usually by people who have left me, those who stay (and my therapist) insist I’ve been asking for the bare minimum. To this day I still don’t know. If all you get is nothing , surely you are nothing? You don’t deserve to ask for more.

By June I started thinking she’s not happy with me. I’m not the one she wants. I don’t think much of myself. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I wrote her a letter that sat in my desk at work, basically saying that she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with someone who sparks excitement, joy, and romance in her. Someone she wants to introduce to her friends (that she’s out to). Someone that she wants to spend time with and forgets about anyone else (within reason obviously, not like actually forgetting the world friends and responsibilities). Someone she is actually excited to spend time with and looks forward to. Someone that makes her not want to cancel every other date. She shouldn’t settle, even if it’s for me.

It broke my heart to write that letter. I was going to give it to her after her birthday because I didn’t want to be a sick and break up with her right before/on her birthday. Turns out she beat me to the punch and dumped me after I took her home.

I don’t know why I was surprised. The entire relationship things didn’t feel right. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. People in my life always seem to like the idea of me and then when they get to see the real me suddenly it’s like oops too much I’m out. Or alternatively they just.. they think I’m interesting and then lose interest.

My birth mother rejected me not once but twice. My adoptive mother was thrilled at the idea of me until I got to be about 4 and she realized something wasn’t quite right. My dad doesn’t care enough about me to stop drinking. Almost every single best friend I’ve ever had growing up has left usually because of some stupid shit I’ve done or because they’re embarrassed of me. Cheryl thought I was some monster out to hurt my friends (even when said “hurt” friend who was actually there went to bat for me and confirmed that I was literally just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Holly stopped caring. Brie never cared. Johanna only cared when she could use her affection of me to hurt someone else she was being petty with. Lissa only wanted someone she could bully, and even once she had me it wasn’t enough. Jerika definitely didn’t want me, and even my closest friend of 17 years Amy left for three months in which I genuinely thought she wasn’t coming back because I had the audacity to try to help her out of a panic attack. Jocelyn couldn’t stand me for more than a week at a time and roxii didn’t have the time of day for me after Americorps.

I feel like my whole life has just been a game of measurements that’s found me wanting. I tried. I tried so hard and I know I didn’t succeed I know there were things I could have done differently with my latest ex. Things I could have done better. I’ve never wanted anything to work so much in my life. Never tried so hard and still I wasn’t enough. I’m never enough.

I watched her, the woman that I was in love with, slowly lose interest in me over the course of about 4 months. Do you know what that’s like? What that does to you? The more I tried, the quicker she seemed to fade. I kept thinking if I just try harder, I’m just not doing, saying the right things. I read every book on relationships I could get my hands on (blatantly ignoring the parts that told me I should see the red flags for what they were and step away). I took notes. I watched therapy videos. I put to work every therapy technique I had ever learned. I wasn’t perfect but I was going to give this everything I had. Just once I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I didn’t try. I wanted to be as healthy, loving and supportive of a partner as I could because I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her. I knew that I had a lot of personal growth that I had been working on before I met her and I wanted to really ramp that up while I was with her to be good to her. To be good for her.

I’m not even mad. My friends say I should be. They’re mad on my behalf and I’m the one telling them to be nice, and defending her. Part of me thinks they’re right but mostly, mostly I think I’m just a steaming pile of shit and I deserved this.

I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of fighting the universe showing me over, and over, and over, and over, and over again how absolutely worthless, not shit I am.

When she broke up with me I told her I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. She said we’re still friends I’m still going to be in your life and we will still talk. Turns out that’s only if I initiate and usually shortly after she shuts it down. So. I guess not.

I asked her one thing and that was when (not if because obviously when, I mean if you saw her you would understand) she moved on if she could just not bring the new person around for the first few months so I didn’t have to see it immediately I would appreciate it and she was like yeah for sure. I told her I wanted her to be happy and I meant it. I just didn’t realize it was going to be barely over 2 months and with one of my good friends.

To be clear she can date whomever she wants. I just thought there might have been more time between them showing up publicly and honestly? Even if her friend was single, interested in me, and I interested in her, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. Even if the positions were reversed and I actually broke up with her first, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. I would imagine that would hurt and I never want to hurt her. Ever. I just.. I wouldn’t have done it. And then she told my one best friend to not tell my other best friend or me and I’m like?? So you know this is a little shady and you’re still gonna?? Like you literally couldn’t wake a couple more months? Just til after Friendsgiving so I don’t have to come to a group event and plaster on a smile when it makes me want to stab myself in the heart.

Alright. Well. Good for her. And I mean that. I just.. can’t see that right now so I’m not seeing any of them. I heard the song Reminds me of you by Kim petras today “cut off all my friends because they remind me of you” and literally felt punched in the gut. Like yep. Too right. Because what am I supposed to go go hang out with my closest friends, where she and her new partner are, and fake a smile? I’m barely holding it together. There’s literally not a day in which I don’t want to kill myself.

Not because she broke up with me. Because I’m tired of being worthless to everyone I care about. Like why the fuck am I even here? Is this what I was born for? To be trash? To be used by people until they find someone better? Or to be someone’s quirky new friend until they find out my quirks are not an act? Or for people to think Im interesting only to slowly realize that I’m not and want nothing to do with me?

I think about all the things I’ve survived that I shouldn’t have and get frustrated because wHY? Why couldnt I just have died and been done with everything? I said to Nathan the other day that at some point I have to realize that the common denominator here is me. Clearly I am the problem. Clearly I am worthless and it’s time to fucking accept that. His reply was that it’s easy to think that you’re the common denominator when it’s your life but that’s just because you’re stuck in it. Idk man. I don’t think I have just extraordinarily shitty luck. I think it’s just me.

I am worthless. Not shit. To anyone. There are some who have stayed but it’s literally just a matter of time until they leave. It’s inevitable, and I’m tired of trying to pretend it’s not. I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m worth something to anyone. I’m tired of begging people to care about me, family, friends, partners. I’m just tired. So tired. Im tired of being tired.

Fuck my life insurance policy. The majority of the people on it don’t care about me anyway, so fuck it if it doesn’t pay out. It wouldn’t be my problem. Sitting here trying to think of ways that wouldn’t traumatize my roommates, would be guaranteed, relatively pain free, and wouldn’t put anyone else at risk. And then I remember I’m a coward and if I fuck it up then there goes what little I have made of my career, I’d lose my job (not that I’m thriving anyway), I’d probably be permanently damaged in ways that would then make me a burden to my parents.

Maybe I can’t kill myself, but somebody else sure could. I could find somebody abusive and just throw myself into that until one day they take it too far. That’s about what I deserve. And then my policy would pay out and the people I live most would be taken care of, regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. Maybe I could do some good in this world. The only good I’ll have ever done but it has to count for something right? Who am I kidding nothing I do counts for anything but I’m crazy and keep doing the same things expecting different results.

It’s funny. The one person who wants to leave me the most, can’t. I wish I could though.

Don’t take this too seriously I’m venting. it’s fine, I’m fine.

[everqueen12]

3. Explain your username 5: How did you fall into the tumblr hellpit? 7: What fan interest or yours would you most enjoy explaining in your workplace? 20: Rec me a book, comic, or anime, or other piece of media you wish there were more like. 28: Your icon is now the voice of your inner therapist. How is this gonna go? 53: Write a story in seven words. 70: Describe something that happened to you today as if you were a narrator in a film noir, nature documentary, or 50s teaching video.

3. it's from a really shitty "gritty" alice in wonderland trilogy that i read when i was getting started with the internet so it's just everything i guess lmao

5. my best friend bullied me into it!

7. taz, which i've already explained at length!

20. also taz! but if not, probably jupiter ascending if you want a terrible but highly enjoyable movie, or the graceling series for some solid YA fantasy

28. i don't think? kirby talks?? so positive sounding sounds i guess

53. high school students fuck around, find out (i'm a high school teacher and we're inputting final grades this week)

70. (film narrator voice) 'the teacher heads to the top of the mountain, almost a victim of natural selection with the steep, unforgiving mountain drop just inches from her vehicle'

[uwuprime]

Robot syntheia sounds cool. What about other stuff? ADHD robots even? Autistic?

Y'all don't even know.

My degree path is in Computer Systems. This is literally My Thing, trademarked, capitalized, underlined. I'm also definitely not neurotypical, if my therapist is to be believed.

[Ursula voice] Its all I do, its all I live for...

Cybertronian Neurodivergence and You: A Guide, Part 1!

First things first, I'm gonna hit y'all with a few statistics, so play with me in this space for a minute. The tolerance, or the electrical voltage/current level of error a tpyical solid electrical component can take, is around +/-5%. Anything within that range is normal, but above that, things start to get weird.

Most components can be made to be more or less sensitive. Some pecision-made electronics can have an over/under-charge allowance of as little as +/-1%. Some are made with a tolerance of as high as 20%, but most things beyond that point are like fuses and breakers, partly mechanical and meant to stop the current moving through a circuit (break) when a certain threshold is reached to avoid fire and other damage-related hazards. That's just straight-up components though. There's also acceptable failure rates for logic and other computer chips, cabling, and power sources. What I'm trying to say here is that not only is neurodivergence and even physical failure/defect in Cybertronian biology possible, if we follow TF's throughline of human-cybertronian parallels, its likely much more common than you think!

I can especially see this in things like sensory overload. Imagine if it was something that was literally quantifiable. Especially in logic circuits and computing, there are certain things you just aren't meant to do with a circuit at the same time. You only have a limited number of inputs and outputs, and if you exceed what the circuit is capable of you can quite literally induce something known as a "panic" state. Panic states in computing are actually quite aptly named: they occur when either capacity is overloaded or an input that isn't understandable is applied, and the computer quite literally fails to continue making logical decisions/outputs. If you've ever heard the term "kernel panic," you have the right idea. The Blue Screen Of Death is along the same lines.

This leads to incredibly erratic responses, and if a circuit isn't built to self correct, it needs to be manually reset by an outside technician. I'm sure that fic exists already.

So, panic, anxiety, and related issues? Absolutely plausible. Moving on.

There's definitely parallels in ADHD and priority selection, both in a hardware and software sense. If there's more than one input to be handled by a single circuit, one needs to have priority, or the system won't set or reset properly. This leads to errors in your output, ranging from math/logic errors to Panic, as described above.

Now, notice that what I've talked about thus far has been in reference to external/user-input errors. Internal calculations and output errors is where that acceptable failure rate lies. If, say, your failure rate is also 5%, and 100 logic chips are needed to make a circuit, five of them are anticipated to be faulty. In the real world, this is where you would test for and replace the broken part(s), but in this context it could extend as a sort of stand-in for genetic disorders, predispositions, and other in-born traits.

Autism is a great example, here. Not necessarily in the context of a logic "defect," but in the way that there are structural differences between the way the metaphorical schematics look and the way a logic circuit functions. Under some conditions, one might not ever notice, but if certain inputs or calculations are along the "wrong" pathway, it makes the system Panic, or otherwise function unpredictably.

Dyslexia and other information processing issues could also be explained this way, as they've been actually observed in real life. Cascade failures occurred in early hardware very often, resulting in incorrect letters being input or output, dropped letters, and, in instances where code was dependent on the letters as data, complete failures in both software and hardware, including Panic.

And again, that's pertaining to a normal "structure" with "abnormal" processing results. What I've covered so far does not cover what one might call traumatic errors: shorts, overheating, power surges, open circuitry, physical disturbance, the list goes on.

There's going to be more on this topic, especially since I also have asks on the physical side of Cybertronian biology that are just as interesting as this was!

The ask is open, if you want more!

[justanothersyscourse]

BPD anon.

I don't think I fit 5 of the 9 criteria for BPD, depending on where I look I get 2-4. Maybe 5 at a stretch. I do also get some amnesia. My trauma history began young enough to develop DID (the only question is was it severe enough? I've seen a lot of sources say that it has to be severe). My switches or moods also aren't linked to stuff happening in my relationships, and can happen seemingly unrelated to anything in particular.

Could you please explain how to tell if an alter I independent or not? Is them sometimes talking back enough? I get their voice coming from somewhere else in my mind and usually have no idea what they're gonna say before they say it.

I actually just got an ask from another anon with BPD/OSDD, so I’m including that here in the hopes that maybe another perspective might also help? If anyone else with DID/OSDD and BPD would like to share their input and experiences, I think that would be helpful!! 

And thank you to this anon for sharing!!

to our knowledge, we have comorbid bpd/osdd and stuff like that and its really hard to tell if its just me dissociating really hard or someone else entirely- the only reason we can be like, a bit sure ig we're a system is because it feels, "right"?- like it fits what we're experiencing? ig, and the fact we use we/us/our, or how we feel like an entirely different person at times as alters, stuff like that, idk if that makes sense tho!

Talking back can be a sign. I’m bringing this up because I think it can draw some parallels? I’ve seen people with MAD (Maladaptive Daydreaming) talking about their “paras”, and how they can just tell that, at the very core, they’re controlling the paras, even if they seem to talk back. For others, it can be a lot harder to tell the difference.

Which I guess means that’s not entirely helpful... x__x

I think, more importantly, would be asking the question of whether the parts are completely different-- do they have different genders and views, likes and dislikes? 

Here’s another little abstract that goes over some of the differences.

I would also check out this article-- it might be helpful the way they describe alters while they’re debunking some of the myths about DID. For example, “It’s the only condition that has such pronounced amnesic gaps ("missing time"), differentiated personality states, as well as exposure to extensive trauma,” and “Parts can be any age, gender, or personality type. They can have entirely different outlooks on the world, faiths, sexual orientations, political views, etc.”

I so desperately wish I could provide more guidance. This is a decision that only you can make based on introspection. If you have access to any therapeutic resources, like therapists, they would be the only ones who could provide more insight ;--; I imagine you must be very confused. The only advice I can offer is to relax and just take it one day.step at a time. BPD or DID, or WHATEVER you might be experiencing, you’re always going to be welcomed here, and I support you every step of the way while you figure things out. 

[vts-ship-and-let-ship]

"but forced therapy and institutionalization is bad and people shouldn’t be celebrating that." ok so should we just let them free to do whatever they want and continue sending death and rape threats to people? There's no way they would ever agree to therapy on their own, and if they need to be MADE to go and kept away from the internet then so be it, at least no one will have to suffer their harassment and threats. They're a fucking menace.

Therapy is supposed to help you gain coping mechanisms for your mental health issues, not a dumping grounds for people who do awful shit.

Forced Therapy won’t fucking help anyone and would make the problem worse get your head out of your ass, also don’t advocate for shit that causes medical abuse, to people who are mentally disabled. Thanks.

You’re on anon, so you’re not gonna engage with this in good faith, but hey I’ll bite.

You’re not advocating for healthy helpful therapeutic practices. And I’m sure @antis-delete-your-blogs-pls-thx would absolutely love to back me up on the fact, PEOPLE IN THERAPY DO NOT GET BETTER BY BEING FORCED!

PEOPLE IN THERAPY DO NOT GO TO THERAPY FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S BENEFIT!

DEMONIZING SOMEONE AS A REASON THEY SHOULD SEEK THERAPY IS A FUCKING ABLEIST THING!

Assuming there is something wrong with someone mentally because they send death threats and rape threats so they should go to therapy, is awful. I don’t know how to tell you that therapy, like seeing a doctor, is for dealing with your own issues.

No one being forced into therapy is going to come out “okay”. 9 times out of 10 it’ll reinforce their beliefs.

Ally didn’t fucking condone the rape and death threats. Ally pointed out that celebrating forced therapy is a fucking awful practice that’s lead to medical trauma and systematic abuse.

But hey you know, when you come into our inbox, when we’ve talked extensively about trauma and abuse, and you’re like, “oh well it’s deserved”.

I don’t know how to tell you that I would never trust you near mentally ill or neurodivergent people who might have intrusive thoughts or bad symptoms.

Also fun fact, did you know this is one of the most fucked up asks I’ve ever gotten in my inbox. I didn’t know how to react. Like. What do I say other than I hope to fucking god I never meet you in real life.

Your insistence that this is better for everyone else, is false, and also too fucking close to people who think it’s okay to,

Force “dangerous” mentally ill people into facilities.

Where they lose their rights as people and might as well live in prison for the rest of their lives.

Hey another fun fact, an abuse survivor with Schizophrenia can never leave a hospital because rather than work with her issues, they labelled her as unsalvageable after she went through horrible sexual, emotional and physical abuse from both her parents.

But you know, so long as we get rid of the “menaces”.

“We should let them” you’re not even fucking involved with their therapy, shut the fuck up. You have no idea what’s going on in their real life so you can’t make fucking judgement. Stop acting like a moral saviour and like you’re such hot shit, you don’t allow them to do shit, and if they didn’t get caught, you have very little to fucking stop them. There’s a fucking line to celebrating something that can end in mental trauma and acting like what they did was okay. You have black and white thinking buddy.

Get off my blog, or better yet, come off anon, I WILL BLOCK YOUR ASS MYSELF.

- Dragon

Sidenote: this is about an addition Ally made with some input on me, saying we shouldn’t celebrate IHPAZ’s forced therapy given their parents were willing to institutionalize them. And that it’s not the best course of action and even gave examples of what might actually happen as a result.

I answered because at first he was confused then hurt. I’d be much more polite if they were gonna act in good faith, but they’re not.

Honestly I’m tired of bad faith shit. I’m an angry call of rage, and as someone who has had a bad therapist, it ended up fucking me over. Therapy shouldn’t be forced onto someone, it’s literally about working through your issues and coping HEALTHILY. Ya can’t do that forced.

Ally is glad IHPAZ isn’t threatening people anymore.

Also this fucko completely ignored my addition that EXISTS ON THAT THREAD to cherry pick a single fucking line from Ally.

To then harass us over that line.