#an asexual’s perspective on desire and love

[earthwormspaghetti]

Now that the Sherlock Holmes stories have become public domain, I’d like to add my own thoughts on the “are they in love?” discourse.

I’ve been a fan of the books for absolutely years, and have reread them all countless times. One thing I noticed is how many people note on the way Holmes treats his roommate (aaaand here come the “and they were roommates” jokes) Watson, which is with great affection, even frequently calling him “my dear” and trusting him enough to help with his independent investigative works, which he would normally do alone.

Watson also describes Holmes affectionately, quite enjoying his company and considering him an amazing friend.

Whether Watson’s thoughts about Holmes are platonic or romantic, we may never know. He married in one of the accounts he wrote, and still considered Sherlock a great comrade.

Sherlock’s feelings towards him, however, are quite complicated. On one hand, he seems to adore Watson with all of his heart and soul, but on the other, one must observe his outlook towards other things he likes.

Firstly, the thrill of the hunt. In “A Study In Scarlet”, he is compared to a foxhound sniffing for clues, ever-exited to learn more about a difficult case when he cracks it. His happiness knows no bounds when mulling over a difficult case.

Secondly, his love for the fiddle and music itself. He is said to be and avid player of the violin, playing tunes based on his fancy at the moment, be it sad and slow or jaunty and fast.

Thirdly, his love of the scientific arts. His adoration of new things to learn and experiments to be solved makes him act like a child in a candy shop. Also in A Study In Scarlet (where a lot of the things he enjoys are described while Watson gets to know Holmes better):

I probably will explain this pretty badly, but what I can see is that Mr. Holmes shows massive love towards things that make him happy. He’s described as being rather emotionally distant towards other, less important things, but he loves the things he holds dear with all his heart.

Such a level of adoration towards something you like is a beautiful thing to see, of course, but that also applies to people in his life. He loves Watson, with all of his heart. Same as he feels love towards doing something fun, same as he loves expressing his feeling on the violin, same as when he finally works out a difficult experiment.

This is a man who gives all his heart and soul towards the things he holds dear, and I think that such a rare thing is far more beautiful than simple attraction. To love a friend so much that you would trust them with your life, as Holmes definitely has, to share your home with them and respect their privacy with pleasure, to hold their hand in the dark to guide them so they don’t get hurt.

This is love that brings tears to the eyes, that prevails through years and years and still stays strong. This is love for the little and big things in life, because the only things that matter are the things that you refuse to hate. Because life only lasts for so long, but a love like this is eternal, even though the lover and loved may be long dead and forgotten.

[life-of-an-asexual]

Asexual Non-Fiction

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

An engaging exploration of what it means to be asexual in a world that's obsessed with sexual attraction, and what we can all learn about desire and identity by using an ace lens to see the world. Through interviews, cultural criticism, and memoir, ACE invites all readers to consider big-picture issues through the lens of asexuality, because every place that sexuality touches our world, asexuality does too.

The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker

In The Invisible Orientation, Julie Sondra Decker outlines what asexuality is, counters misconceptions, provides resources, and puts asexual people's experiences in context as they move through a very sexualized world. It includes information for asexual people to help understand their orientation and what it means for their relationships, as well as tips and facts for those who want to understand their asexual friends and loved ones.

How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual by Rebecca Burgess

In this brave, hilarious and empowering graphic memoir, we follow Rebecca as they navigate a culture obsessed with sex—from being bullied at school and trying to fit in with friends, to forcing themself into relationships and experiencing anxiety and OCD—before coming to understand and embrace their asexual identity.

A Quick & Easy Guide to Asexuality by Molly Mulldoon and Will Hernandez

Writer Molly Muldoon and cartoonist Will Hernandez, both in the ace community, are here to shed light on society’s misconceptions of asexuality and what being ace is really like. This book is for anyone who wants to learn about asexuality, and for Ace people themselves, to validate their experiences. Asexuality is a real identity and it’s time the world recognizes it. Here’s to being invisible no more! 

Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks

As the first book-length collection of critical essays ever produced on the topic of asexuality, this book serves as a foundational text in a growing field of study. It also aims to reshape the directions of feminist and queer studies, and to radically alter popular conceptions of sex and desire. Including units addressing theories of asexual orientation; the politics of asexuality; asexuality in media culture; masculinity and asexuality; health, disability, and medicalization; and asexual literary theory, Asexualities will be of interest to scholars and students in sexuality, gender, sociology, cultural studies, disability studies, and media culture.

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown

In this exploration of what it means to be Black and asexual in America today, Sherronda J. Brown offers new perspectives on asexuality. She takes an incisive look at how anti-Blackness, white supremacy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, and capitalism enact harm against asexual people, contextualizing acephobia within a racial framework in the first book of its kind. A necessary and unapologetic reclamation, Refusing Compulsory Sexuality is smart, timely, and an essential read for asexuals, aromantics, queer readers, and anyone looking to better understand sexual politics in America.

I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life by Cody Daigle-Orians

Within these pages lie all the advice you need as a questioning ace teen. Tackling everything from what asexuality is, the asexual spectrum and tips on coming out, to intimacy, relationships, acephobia and finding joy, this guide will help you better understand your asexual identity alongside deeply relatable anecdotes drawn from Cody's personal experience. Whether you are ace, demi, gray-ace or not sure yet, this book will give you the courage and confidence to embrace your authentic self and live your best ace life.

Ace Voices: What it Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey-Ace by Eris Young

Drawing upon interviews with a wide range of people across the asexual spectrum, Eris Young is here to take you on an empowering, enriching journey through the rich multitudes of asexual life. With chapters spanning everything from dating, relationships and sex, to mental and emotional health, family, community and joy, the inspirational stories and personal experiences within these pages speak to aces living and loving in unique ways. Find support amongst the diverse narratives of aces sex-repulsed and sex-favourable, alongside voices exploring what it means to be black and ace, to be queer and ace, or ace and multi-partnered - and use it as a springboard for your own ace growth.

Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality by Ela Przybylo

Through a wide-ranging analysis of pivotal queer, feminist, and anti-racist movements; television and film; art and photography; and fiction, nonfiction, and theoretical texts, each chapter explores asexual erotics and demonstrates how asexuality has been vital to the formulation of intimate ways of knowing and being. Asexual Erotics assembles a compendium of asexual possibilities that speaks against the centralization of sex and sexuality, asking that we consider the ways in which compulsory sexuality is detrimental not only to asexual and nonsexual people but to all.

Ace Notes by Michele Kirichanskaya

As an ace or questioning person in an oh-so-allo world, you're probably in desperate need of a cheat sheet. Covering everything from coming out, explaining asexuality and understanding different types of attraction, to marriage, relationships, sex, consent, gatekeeping, religion, ace culture and more, this is the ultimate arsenal for whatever the allo world throws at you.

Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing Your Asexual or Aromantic Identity by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project

Join the The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) for a deep dive into the process of discovering and embracing your ace and aro identities. Empower yourself to explore the nuances of your identity, find and develop support networks, explore different kinds of partnership, come out to your communities and find real joy within. Combining a rigorous exploration of identity and sexuality models with hundreds of candid and poignant testimonials - this companion vouches for your personal truth, wherever you lie on the aspec spectrum.

Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca

Drawing on Sarah and Kayla's personal stories, and those of aspec friends all over the world, prepare to explore your microlabels, investigate different models of partnership, delve into the intersection of gender norms and compulsory sexuality and reconsider the meaning of sex - when allosexual attraction is out of the equation.

[cancerstanople]

As someone who used to identify as aromantic, I used to (and still do) struggle to differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction, here's my best explanation.

It's very similar to platonic attraction. You want to spend a lot of time with a person, you want to get to know them, you want to express affection for them.

The difference is in the intensity of it. With romantic attraction, you want to know their deepest secrets and show your affection for them RIGHT NOW. The feelings of love and attachment to this person are overwhelming and powerful clouders of judgement, especially at the onset of a crush or the start of a new relationship.

For the asexuals, this is why romantic and sexual attraction are perceived to be the same thing for most people, because sex is often thought of as the highest form of intimacy; it's a very intense, vulnerable, and physically close form of physical affection. But regardless of whether sex is a factor, the basis of romance is the desire to connect with someone as intimately and as quickly as possible.

Another difference is the duration of it. Feelings of friendship are generally very consistent, and can last long periods of time with less maintenance on the relationship itself. However, feelings of romantic attraction, while strong, are more short-lived. After the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship is over, the powerful, intoxicating feelings start to dissipate, and the lovers face a choice:

break up because the loss of the feeling means you're not motivated to keep the relationship going anymore

stay together and resign themselves to a more comfortable, platonic dynamic (I say "resign" not to mean that it's lesser than a passionate romance, just not as dramatic)

keep rekindling the fire, keep finding new ways to express affection or new things to discover about each other

When I explained it to myself in this way, it helped me understand why there are so many seemingly nonsensical rituals and customs surrounding dating and relationships: it's an attempt to regulate it. Romantic attraction is a very volatile feeling; it's strong, it blocks off your rationality, and it doesn't last a long time with the same person if you don't know how to keep it up. This means it has the potential to cause a lot of strife and maybe cause physical pain if there are no rules of engagement (engagement lol, pun not intended). So we have practices of dates, and marriage, and social mores about how to interact with each other in order to pace ourselves.

This is how I interpret it, at least. Other allos, feel free to add your own perspectives or shit on mine if yours is completely different. I'm still young, so my view on it is probably immature, but I think it's a good basis for future conversation, at least.

For the aros reading this, I hope it was helpful!

[redgoldsparks]

June Reading and Reviews by Maia Kobabe

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon. Reviews below the cut.

Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe read by Matthew Blaney 

This is one of the most gripping and well-researched nonfiction books I've read in a long time. Keefe draws on many research trips, interviews, news paper archives, and personal encounters to tell several interwoven narratives of violence and protest during the time of The Troubles in Northern Ireland. He follows the story of the infamous Price sisters, women who joined the IRA while in college, helped plant many bombs, and became hunger strikers after receiving hefty prison sentences; Jean McConville, a widowed mother of ten who was dragged from her home and disappeared by the IRA; Brenden Hughes, a commanding office of the IRA who escaped assassination attempts and prison, who committed a huge amount of violence but ultimately became disillusioned with what he had done; Gerry Adams, who claims he was never an IRA office despite massive evidence to the contrary, who helped negotiate the peace treaty before launching a successive political career; and many more. I highly recommend this book, especially to anyone wrestling with the moral question of violent versus nonviolent resistant, and what the long, messy process of building peace can look like, at least in one specific place and time.

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata translated by Ginney Tapley Takemori read by Nancy Wu

Keiko Furukura has never fit in with the others around her. Early in elementary school she learned to keep her mouth shut because people often found the things she said (which felt logical and obvious to her) deeply upsetting. But at age 18, Keiko applied for a job at a convenience store and found her life's calling. The store is the only place where she feels really comfortable, needed, useful, and able to interact easily with others inside the routines of customer service. When the book opens Keiko is 36 and has been working the same low level job for her entire adult life. She has no desire for change but others around her are beginning to pressure her more and more to pursue a "normal life", that is, marriage and a better paying job. Keiko can be easily read as an autistic, asexual character; I really enjoyed how her perspective on life was written, even when I enjoyed less the actual things going on around her. A whiny, sleezy man takes up a lot of space in the second half of the story, but I found the ending very hopeful.

How to Love by Alex Norris 

Short, sweet, and insightful. Norris brings the humor of their "Oh No" comic series to this guide to feelings and relationships, but mixed with deep compassion. The visual metaphors are hilarious and perfect.

Becoming Who We Are: Real Stories About Growing Up Trans by Sammy Lisel and Hazel Newlevant and others 

A wonderful collection of short comics about trans people with different stories, experiences, jobs, and dreams. Each story is illustrated by a different artist which gives each tale its own voice. An accessible and affirming collection, especially for young readers!

Fool’s Quest by Robin Hobb read by Elliot Hill

This book picks up right after the traumatic kidnapping at the end of the previous volume, but packs a surprising amount of big plot twists in before the journey to recover the young people even begins. This book suffers from some middle book of a trilogy pacing issues; the action beats of the story sometimes falling at awkward spots, and the story continuing past what might have felt like its more natural ending. That didn't stop me from being RIVETED during the entire 33 hour audiobook. I am so obsessed with these characters. I feel the weight of everything they've been through, the six decades of in-story time, and the consequences and ripple effects of everything that has gone before. This volume continues to push a running theme of very gender-ambiguous characters; there are now two characters who defy an easy binary, and Fitz is finally coming to terms with that in one of his oldest and dearest friends. I'm excited and slightly terrified to head into the 16th and final book of this series soon!

Vera Bushwack by Sig Burwash 

This book is simultaneously a fairly quiet story of a gender-nonconforming queer living with just a dog on a piece of rural property, working on building a cabin from scratch; and also an ambitious exploration of gendered power fantasies. At the start, Drew is learning how to operate a chainsaw to cut trees and clear property from a rural neighbor. Flashbacks and phone calls reveal how Drew got her dog, some of the shitty men she's had to deal with, a past lover who helped her cut a trail to the river, and a tomboy childhood. These scenes of rough realism are interrupted when Drew jumps on her dirt bike or revs the chainsaw and her fantasies spin out across the page, full of wild horses, monster trucks, naked cowboys, symbols of complete and total freedom. This book is deceptively complicated, full of bold creative choices that I really appreciated, even if they didn't all work for me. I have a feeling this story is going to stick in my head for a long time.

In the Form of a Question written and read by Amy Schneider 

A very engaging memoir from Jeopardy champion Amy Schneider, born and raised in Dayton, Ohio, who moved to Oakland, California as an adult and never left. Each chapter title is a question and cover topics thematically rather than chronologically. Schneider is very forthcoming and honest, writing about everything from her transition, her open marriage, her first sexual experiences, recreational drug use, polyamory, community theater, relationship with her parents and more. She has a humorous and yet compassionate voice, relating tales of her hatred of boy scouts, ADD, and failures to understand her own gender without belittling her younger self. Towards the ends of the book she writes of her experience of fame and what she got out of her time on Jeopardy saying that stepping into the public eye as a trans woman and being met mostly with support and love changed her life as much as the 1.5 million she won over a 40 game winning streak and various other tournaments. If you are a fan of Jeopardy, or just curious, this is a fun listen.

Ruth Asawa: An Artist Takes Shape by Sam Nakahira 

Ruth Asawa was born in Southern California to parents who had immigrated from Japan before WWII. After the bombing of Pearl Harbor, her whole family was displaced to the internment camps, loosing their farm, all of their farm animals, and nearly everything else they owned. Ruth finished high school inside a camp in Arkansas but was able to leave when she apply to and was accepted into college. She was faced with discrimination and racism, but eventually she was able to pursue her dream of becoming an artist at the experimental Black Mountain College in North Carolina. She studied under influential and well-known teachers who helped her find her own creative voice. She also met the love of her life there. The couple eventually relocated back to California, which had just legalized interracial marriage. Sam Nakahira captures Asawa's courage, determination, and incredible talent in tender line art with delicate grey scale washes. Asawa's best known work, her innovative wire sculptures, are gorgeously rendered. Asawa's insistence on treating every activity of her life, from gardening to parenting to drawing to sculpting, as creative, is a good reminder for me and every artist that living itself can be a creative practice.

People From My Neighborhood by Hiromi Kawakami translated by Ted Goossen 

A charmingly strange set of interconnected stories about a neighborhood in Japan full of unusual characters. The unnamed child narrator tells us of the middle aged woman who runs a karaoke bar out of her house, the old man with two shadows, the child who is passed from house to house by lottery because his parents cannot support him, a diplomat who might be an alien who no one ever seen, the arrival of a mountain of sand, a school built of candy, a girl with prophetic dreams, and more. The stories escalate in weirdness over the course of the book and also introduce more reoccurring characters. The short 4-6 pages chapters made it compulsively readable. I had a great time with this, despite the lack of an overarching plot.

The Contradictions by Sophie Yanow

At age twenty, after a bad breakup, the author signed up for a study abroad program in Paris. Lonely and soul searching in a foreign country, Yanow spots a girl riding a fixed gear bike. Yanow is a committed bicyclist and chases the girl down to learn she is also an exchange student, also recently broken up with, a committed anarchist and a shoplifter. Yanow and her new friend decide to take a poorly planned trip to Amsterdam, intending to hitchhike the whole way. About as many things go wrong as you might expect. In beautifully minimalist black and white panels, Yanow perfectly captures the naivete and first political awakenings of a young college student trying to seem cool and so taking risks and hiding passions in order to impress someone new. A quick read and a master class in understatement.

Little Weirds written and read by Jenny Slate 

There was a lot I enjoyed in this memoir, as well as some aspects that worked less well for me. I enjoyed Slate's writing style and the focus on small moments of beauty and reclaiming one's right to live fully in one's body, acknowledging all of its human needs for softness and love. I liked her whimsy and sense of humor and kindness. I do wish that some of the chapters had been slightly more grounded in some of the facts and loose timeline of Slate's life. I didn't know anything about her before starting the book and it took me until almost the last chapter to learn she was the middle of three sisters; a line earlier on had made me think she was maybe a twin. It became clear that she was writing through the process of emotionally recovering from a divorce, but I only learned from wikipedia that her ex-husband had also been a major creative collaboration partner. I wonder if she expected most people reading this book to already be familiar with her biography? Regardless, don't go into this book looking for facts; go instead for a nonlinear reclamation of some simple but hard-won emotional truths and skip any chapter that isn't speaking to you.

People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks, read by Edwina Wren

This book tells a fictional history of a real manuscript- the Sarajevo Haggadah, a beautifully illuminated Hebrew manuscript created in fifteenth-century Spain. The frame narrative follows an Australian manuscript conservation specialist, Hanna Heath, hired to re-bind the pages in the mid 1990s for a Bosnian museum that until extremely recently was in the middle of a war zone. Alternating chapters dip into contentious periods of Europe's history, usually moments of high tension between religious groups (WWII, Vienna at the turn of the century, the Spanish Inquisition in Venice, the banishment of Jews from Spain in 1492, Muslim/Christian conflicts in Seville in the 1480s) and trace how the Haggaadah managed to survive fire, flood, blood, war, and exile in the hands of many different people. This is an ambitious book that mostly achieved is goals; I got through the 14 hour audiobook very quickly. One unfortunate side effect of the narrative structure is that I as the reader didn't spend more than a few hours with any of the characters, and so didn't develop a particularly deep emotional connection with any of them, including Hanna, the lead. My rating is more of a 3.5 or 3.75 rounded up. But still, I appreciate Brooks eye for capturing just most exciting or tense moment from a historical era and will likely try a few more of her books in the future.

Punk Rock Karaoke by Bianca Xunise 

Three friends, recently graduated from high school, struggle to keep their punk band together through the demands of early adulthood. College applications, jobs, family obligations, and makeout partners are all knocking on the door, demanding to be let in. Will Ariel, Michele, and Gael be able to stay true to their creative spirits and to each other? I had a great time with this fast-paced, sweaty summer, friendship-focused book even though the majority of the punk music references went right over my head.

Parasol Against The Axe by Helen Oyeyemi 

Helen Oyeyemi continues to baffle and dazzle me. This one is set in and narrated by Prague, which is a tricky city full of its own complicated whims and desires. Into this self-aware city enter several women: Sofie and Polly, an engaged couple, celebrating their bachlorette weekend together with friends. Hero, a somewhat estranged friend of Sofie's, who come to Prague mostly to avoid a piece of registered mail which is chasing her down. And Thea, a woman willing to commit violence for the right price, on a hired revenge mission that happens to intersect with a dark episode of Sofie and Hero's past. Does that sound straight forward? It isn't. Oh yes and there's also a book, Paradoxical Undressings which tells a different story to every person who cracks open its covers. This book allows Oyeyemi to tell many nested and fantastical anecdotes from Prague's Communist past. As with most Oyeyemi books, there are a few threads I was left scratching my head over, but I had such a good time on the ride that I don't mind. I'll just have to read it again and see if I catch them (assuming it's the same book when I open it a second time!) 

The Sacrificers Vol 1 by Rick Remender, Max Fiumara and Dave McCaig 

The art is absolutely stunning, but the story is a bit too cruel and dark for me to really enjoy. This book takes the concept of the child sacrifice of Omelas and expands it out into a whole fantasy world, in which gods maintain their power through the consumption of innocents. The stunning color panel carried me though the first volume but I'm unlikely to pick up a second book.

Brides of High Hill by Nghi Vo read by Cindy Kay

Another satisfying installment in the Singing Hills Cycle! In this one, Cleric Chih accompanies a young woman and her family to the remote estate of her prospective husband. But all is not as it seems. The potential husband looks at least twice as old as the young woman, and he has a son shut up in a pagoda and kept drugged in his gardens. Everyone on the estate is in some kind of danger, but the secrets are thicker and deeper than even the Cleric can guess.

[all-seeing-ifer]

Aromanticism in Academia

Since it's currently Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week and I'm currently in the middle of a master's research project about aromanticism and asexuality, I figured I'd contribute by putting together a list of some books and other academic sources I've read so far that deal with aromanticism! There's very little written about aromanticism in academia, so I think it's important to spotlight what we do have.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE THE LIST: Due to the lack of discussion of aromanticism specifically in academia, most of what I've found are texts that are primarily about asexuality but also discuss aromanticism. It's unfortunate, but it is also where we're kind of at right now in terms of academia, so bear that in mind.

Books:

Ace Voices: What it means to be asexual, aromantic, demi, or grey-ace by Eris Young - Definitely has the most focus on aromanticism of everything that I've read so far, this book draws from a combination of the author's personal experiences and interviews with other members of the a-spec community, including aroace and alloaro people. A good source of discussion of aro issues and how they interact with things like gender stereotypes. Also notable for its discussion of QPRs, a topic which I find has generally been ignored in academia about a-spec identities.

Ace: What Asexuality reveals about desire, society, and the meaning of sex by Angela Chen - Primarily deals with asexuality, as the title suggests, but also contains some relevant discussions of aromanticism, including the experiences of aroallo people. If you're going to check out the book, I would especially recommending looking at chapter 7: Romance, Reconsidered, which features most of the discussion of aromanticism and non-normative relationships

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J Brown - Again, asexuality is the main focus here, but I would still recommend checking out this book as it does still contain some useful discussion of aromanticism, particularly an extended critique of "singlism" (i.e. discrimination of single people) and how it is weaponised against aros. I also find Brown's criticism of the dehumanisation of aromanticism in media to be very compelling!

Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law - I would be remiss not to mention Brake's work here. While Minimizing Marriage is not specificallly about aromanticism and deals with marriage reform and the concept of amatonormativity more broadly, I think it's fair to say that many of Brake's ideas (particularly her coining of amatonormativity as a term) have become vital to the aro community and aro activism in recent years. Definitely a must-read for anyone interested in deconstructing amatonormativity and in contemporary critiques of marriage as an institution, though it's worth noting that this is a work of moral/political philosophy first and foremost, and as such it gets very into the weeds of things. Available on the Internet Archive here

Academic Articles/Essays (all can be found in the collection Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives):

"Why didn't you tell me that I love you?": Asexuality, Polymorphous Perversity, and the Liberation of the Cinematic Clown by Andrew Grossman - A really interesting and engaging analysis of the archetype of the silent film clown, and how it can be read as an a-spec figure. While Grossman uses the language of asexuality, his analysis makes it clear that he is looking at the clown as both an asexual AND aromantic character.

On the Racialization of Asexuality by Ianna Hawkins Owen - A personal favourite of mine. I think many parts of this essay will be very relevant to aromantic people, particularly Owen's investigation of how romantic love came to be pedastalised and her critique of attempts to normalise asexuality by distancing it from aromanticism.

Mismeasures of Asexual Desires by Jacinthe Flore - A critique of the pathologisation of asexuality that also discusses how aromanticism challenges common discourses around intimate relationships

Finally, I would like to mention the work of Bella DePaulo, who has written extensively about singlism and compulsory coupling, and who Brown uses extensively as a source in their writing on aromanticism. I didn't want to make this part of the main list because I haven't yet had a chance to get stuck into DePaulo's work, but based on Brown's mentions of her work I believe she has some very interesting ideas that are very relevant to aro people.

As you can probably tell, the list of academic sources dealing with aromanticism and aro issues is very limited. However, while aromanticism is vastly underdiscussed in an academic context, I'd like to point out that this is also only what I've been able to find so far. If anyone has any other recommendations please do add them to this post - I for one would love to hear about them!

[celestiamour]

‧₊˚✧ ❛[ queer headcanons - chronicles of narnia ]❜

ft. peter pevensie, susan pevensie, edmund pevensie, lucy pevensie, caspian x, eustace scrubb, tumnus, jadis, lilliandil

contains: caspeter (caspian x peter), peter's part is vague but he's definitely not straight despite what he's listed as, gay gay homosexual gay, mentioned transphobia & fights, pronouns match the ones used in the books/movies for writing consistency

➤ author's note: I saw some other people doing it, so i wanted to join in on the fun too!! remember that these are fictional characters with no set sexuality/gender, this is just for fun & for my to further procrastinate my wips

━━━ .°˖✧ peter pevensie - straight ally (unless??) ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ he was more than supportive of all his siblings when they came out, but never thought it was for him. like he has no issue in saying that a guy was attractive but wasn't actually attracted to him for the most part. he never properly questioned his sexuality until arriving in narnia for a second time and refuses to admit (although it was painfully obvious) that his gay awakening was a certain telmarine prince who happened to be his rival and a pretty boy— let's just say he's fighting a lot of internal demons.

━━━ .°˖✧ susan pevensie - lesbian ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ (it was actually more difficult for her to accept that she didn't like men than to accept that she did like women). she was never interested in marriage proposals, invitations to dance, and general flirtatious advancements from men, finding her heart failing to flutter for any of them and only feeling general annoyance by it more than anything. she always told herself that she just hadn't met the right one, but quickly realized that she held no hope nor care if it ever happened. it wasn't until she felt her heart pounding for the first girl who displayed romantic interest for her did she begin to see love from a new perspective.

━━━ .°˖✧ edmund pevensie - transmasc demiromantic pansexual ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ grew up being a tomboy who fussed over his hair growing past his ears, refused to wear dressed to mass or skirts to class, wore all of peter's old clothes instead of susan's, and then realized that he wasn't a girl. being crowned as "king edmund" was the first time he was his true self publicly, and he remained like that even back in england where he wasn't accepted by everyone. although his older brother sometimes gets into fights for his sake, he considers it as filtering out who he should spend his time with and who he should ignore. as a result, he doesn't date around much, but if someone manages to stick with him through all of his insecurities and trauma, he'll find himself slowly falling in love.

━━━ .°˖✧ lucy pevensie - asexual polyamorous lesbian ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ she's always been a girl's girl who was for the girls! the valiant queen has plenty of love to go around, often seen spending quality with her girlfriend(s, who are probably also dating each other): having picnics, horseback riding, hosting tea parties, dancing, and so much more when she isn't performing her royal duties. she doesn't mind being intimate if her partner desires it, but she much prefers bonding in the ways listed above instead.

━━━ .°˖✧ caspian x - bisexual ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ a real lover boy, flirting with both men and women, always making them swoon and blush over his handsome smile to fill an emptiness in his heart. it seemed like no one was able to ignore his irresistible charm until a certain blonde royal showed up with his sword swinging and an arrogant front to hide his true fears. caspian can’t remember the last time he felt so infuriated with someone he was determined to make his, but that would only make the victory of an eventual confession so much sweeter.

━━━ .°˖✧ eustace scrubb - gay demiromantic asexual ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ grew up thinking girls were icky or had cooties before realizing that he simply wasn't attracted to them and they weren't all that bad. he's not completely uninterested in romance, just struggles to find and form a bond with a guy who doesn't think he is weird or mean, and then he struggles to determine if he likes him as a friend or potential love interest. it makes him seem picky in the eyes of others, but maybe he has a unique "friendship" with a boy from his childhood whom he writes to daily and can't envision himself with anyone else. (oh, and he's repulsed by the idea of sex, dare he say disgusted by it)

━━━ .°˖✧ tumnus - non-binary pansexual ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ he doesn't care about gender within himself or his partners as the inner qualities they both possess are much more important. he could be referred to as "he" "she" "they" or something else entirely, he doesn't mind and prefers others to use whichever one they feel like. after becoming both an advisor and uncle figure to the pevensies, he helped immensely in their journey of accepting themselves since they came from a time/place where they could be ostracised for it, and they carried his wisdom long after leaving narnia.

━━━ .°˖✧ jadis - aromantic lesbian ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ she doesn’t care for love nor does she have time for it. romance has never been something she ever considered adding to her long list of priorities, and it honestly made her scoff whenever she heard of it. however, she doesn’t mind having fun with a beautiful dryad who managed to look her in the eyes with an emotion other than fear and then sending them on their way before she gets tempted to eternally preserve their beauty in her growing garden of statues.

━━━ .°˖✧ lilliandil - transfem pansexual ˚₊ ⊹

╰₊✧ I don't have an explanation for this one, she has like five minutes of screen time— it feels right. she's a star who shines for all and is admired by all.

[galaxygolfergirl]

What does Elsa want?

Since I’ve been on a bit of a Frozen binge recently, I was having some thoughts:

If anyone’s been in the Frozen fandom for as long as I have, we’ve all wondered whether Elsa would ever become attached to someone. The early Jelsa shippers, Helsa (which I do ship, I have my reasons, don’t @ me), #giveelsaagirlfriend trending on twitter, the newer Elsamaren shippers, and so on. Ever since Disney realized the franchise potential of this story, that's been the big question brought up for the past decade.

I will say I can definitely understand the perception of Elsa being aromantic/asexual because honestly, think about it: considering her past struggles with controlling her powers and her fear of hurting those she loves, it’s probably very difficult for her to be vulnerable with other people, even platonically with her own family. If she was that uncomfortable being around others and trying to manage her issues, how uncomfortable is she with being in love? Being desired? Wanting to be with someone?

No matter what options they go with for her in the 3rd sequel, it might be an interesting perspective to see this more vulnerable side of Elsa, if they choose to give her a romantic partner, because for the past two movies we’ve only gotten the perspective of her focusing on herself. She wanted to learn the truth of who she was and to make her peace with it, no longer denying her magical abilities or trying to shove them down out of fear. She wanted to reconnect with her sister and try to have a family again. But what does Elsa want for herself beyond that? Who can really stand on her level and approach her?

In spite of her connections with her sister and the rest of her family, there is still a level of unapproachability to her because of the dissonance between her humanity and the almost mythic nature of her powers. Even though Anna loves her sister, we can observe that even she struggles sometimes to understand Elsa’s powers, especially her role as the Snow Queen/the 5th Spirit, and Anna falls back in awe of her like everyone else. It’s like this quote from the movie The Philadelphia Story (which is a great movie btw, highly recommend):

“You're like some marvelous, distant, well, queen, I guess. You're so cool and fine and always so much your own. There's a kind of beautiful purity about you, Tracy, like a statue.”

To which Katharine Hepburn’s character replies:

“I don't want to be worshipped. I want to be loved.”

Does Elsa want that kind of love? So far, the answer’s been a tentative “no,” at least from the writers and cast. Whether it's because of the potential conservative outcry or disappointing the lgbtq community yet again is anyone's guess, but for now I can only assume that leaving her unattached has been the safest option for Disney so far.

But since we’ve already crossed the threshold of Elsa’s self-acceptance and self-realization of her powers, where do we go beyond that in terms of her character? It’s only natural to wonder what she wants beyond understanding herself, being comfortable with her powers, and being accepted. She has a supportive family, is making friendships with the Northuldra, and has a kingdom that loves her, but does she stand alone or can someone meet her at her level? Romantically or otherwise? Who can challenge her, really?

Tracy Lord: "I don't seem to you made of bronze?"

Macaulay Connor: "No, you're made out of flesh and blood. That's the blank, unholy surprise of it. You're the golden girl, Tracy. Full of life and warmth and delight.”

Does she have to remain this mythic goddess that everyone admires, who has to have a dress transformation/inspiration anthem about self-actualization every movie? What if she had a moment where she was grounded and had to focus on something besides her powers? What if she lost them? How would that affect her character then?

Those are questions I hope might be answered in Frozen 3. I'm fine with whatever choices they make in terms of her sexuality, as precarious at that may be, but I just think it would be an interesting aspect of her character to explore whether or not she could have an equal, or whether or not she can finally come down to earth.

Tracy Lord: "How do I look?"

Seth Lord: "Like a queen. Like a goddess."

Tracy Lord: "And do you know how I feel?"

Seth Lord: "How?"

Tracy Lord: "Like a human. Like a human being.”

[hayatheauthor]

Can I request? How write asexual romance?

I meant kind confuse since romance and sexual are almost same thing, so how that work between 2 person that love in romqntic way but no sexual from them or an asexual person with ordinary person

Crafting Asexual Romance: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction

Writing asexual romance can be both rewarding and challenging. It requires a delicate balance of understanding, empathy, and creativity to authentically capture the emotional depth and complexity of such relationships.

Whether you're a seasoned writer looking to expand your repertoire or a newcomer eager to explore diverse narratives, this guide aims to provide valuable insights into crafting compelling asexual relationships in fiction.

Understanding Asexuality

Before delving into the intricacies of writing asexual romance, it's crucial to develop a clear understanding of what asexuality entails. Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. Individuals who identify as asexual may still experience romantic attraction, emotional intimacy, and desire for companionship, but they do not experience sexual attraction in the same way as aromantic people.

It’s important to note that asexuality isn’t something a character/person can change with time. You can’t have an ace character who suddenly is physically attracted to their love interest near the end of the book. They, quite literally, do not feel sexual arousal for others, and this isn’t something you can ‘overcome’ or ‘undo’. This is also why it’s important to label your characters correctly and recognise the difference between celibacy and asexuality. 

It's essential to recognize that asexuality exists on a spectrum, with individuals experiencing varying degrees of sexual attraction or lack thereof. Some asexual individuals may identify as aromantic, meaning they do not experience romantic attraction either, while others may actively seek romantic relationships.

It’s important to create authentic and inclusive representation in our books. I personally prefer reading novels with lesser romance, so reading about an ace character would certainly be up my ally! If you have any aro/ace recommendations, be sure to comment them! 

Dos And Don’ts Of Asexual Romance in Fiction

When incorporating asexual romance into your writing, one common misconception to avoid is equating asexuality with a lack of romantic or emotional depth. Asexual individuals are fully capable of experiencing love and forming strong emotional bonds with others. In fact, many asexual individuals prioritize emotional connection in their relationships, seeking partners who understand and respect their orientation.

Asexual characters can serve as compelling protagonists in romantic storylines, offering readers a fresh perspective on relationships that extends beyond the confines of sexual attraction. This requires thoughtful consideration of character development, relationship dynamics, and communication. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Dos:

Research and understand asexuality: Take the time to learn about asexuality and the diverse experiences within the ace community. This will help you create authentic and respectful portrayals of asexual characters.

Focus on emotional intimacy: Highlight the emotional connection between characters, emphasizing shared interests, values, and experiences that deepen their bond.

Explore diverse romantic expressions: Recognize that asexual characters may express love and affection in various ways, from heartfelt conversations to acts of kindness and support.

Incorporate consent and communication: Prioritize clear and open communication between characters, allowing them to discuss their boundaries, desires, and expectations in the relationship.

Include diverse perspectives: Represent a range of asexual experiences in your writing, acknowledging that asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences.

Don'ts:

Fetishize or pathologize asexuality: Avoid portraying asexuality as a novelty or using it as a plot device for shock value. Respect asexual characters as fully realized individuals with agency and autonomy.

Assume asexuality means aromanticism: While some asexual individuals may also identify as aromantic, many experience romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships. Avoid conflating asexuality with aromanticism.

Overemphasize the absence of sex: While sexual activity may not be central to the relationship, focus on the emotional connection and intimacy shared between characters rather than fixating on the absence of sexual activity.

Neglect character development: Give asexual characters depth and complexity beyond their orientation. Explore their backgrounds, motivations, and aspirations to create well-rounded and relatable protagonists.

Ignore feedback from ace readers: Seek feedback from asexual readers and sensitivity readers to ensure your portrayal of asexual characters is accurate, respectful, and affirming.

By approaching asexual romance with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling and inclusive stories that resonate with readers across the spectrum of sexual orientations and identities.

Developing Asexual Characters

When crafting asexual characters for your story, it's essential to approach their portrayal with care and authenticity. Asexual individuals, like all people, are multifaceted and unique, and their experiences of love, relationships, and identity can vary widely. Here are some key considerations for developing asexual characters:

Establishing Asexual Identity: Begin by determining your character's asexual identity and how they understand and experience their orientation. Some asexual individuals may have known from a young age that they were asexual, while others may come to understand their identity later in life. Consider how your character's asexuality intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as their culture and personal experiences.

Exploring Romantic Orientation: Asexual individuals can experience a range of romantic orientations, from aromantic to biromantic, panromantic, or heteroromantic. Determine how your character experiences romantic attraction, if at all, and how this aspect of their identity shapes their relationships and interactions with others.

Building Relationships: As you develop your character's relationships, consider how their asexuality influences their approach to romance, intimacy, and partnership. Asexual characters may seek out romantic connections that prioritize emotional intimacy, companionship, and mutual respect over physical attraction. 

Addressing Stereotypes: Avoid falling into common stereotypes or misconceptions about asexuality in your portrayal of asexual characters. While some asexual individuals may lack interest in romantic or sexual relationships, others may actively seek out and engage in romantic partnerships. 

Incorporating Intersectionality: Consider how your character's asexual identity intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as race, ethnicity, disability, or socioeconomic status. Acknowledge the unique challenges and experiences that may arise from these intersections and strive to create nuanced and authentic portrayals of asexual characters.

Creating Asexual Romances

Crafting asexual romances requires a nuanced approach that emphasizes emotional connection, communication, and mutual understanding. Here are some tips for writing compelling asexual romances:

Focus on Emotional Intimacy: In asexual romances, emotional connection takes center stage. Instead of relying on physical attraction or sexual tension to drive the relationship, emphasize the deep emotional bond between your characters. Explore the ways in which they support and care for each other, share intimate moments, and navigate challenges together.

Communicate Openly: Communication is key in any relationship, but it's especially important in asexual romances where partners may have different needs and boundaries. Encourage your characters to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, desires, and expectations. 

Respect Boundaries: Asexual characters may have unique boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy. Respect your characters' boundaries and preferences, and avoid pressuring them into situations that make them uncomfortable. Focus on building intimacy through non-sexual gestures, such as hand-holding, cuddling, or sharing meaningful experiences together.

Explore Different Relationship Dynamics: Asexual romances can take many forms, from platonic partnerships to committed romantic relationships. Consider the dynamics that best suit your characters and their individual needs and desires. Whether they're best friends who support each other unconditionally or romantic partners who share a deep emotional bond, prioritize authenticity and respect in depicting their relationship.

Challenge Stereotypes: Asexual romances provide an opportunity to challenge stereotypes and misconceptions about love and relationships. Avoid portraying asexual characters as emotionless or incapable of love, and instead highlight the richness and complexity of their romantic experiences. 

Embrace Diversity: Asexual characters, like all characters, come from diverse backgrounds and experiences. Consider incorporating intersectional identities and perspectives into your romances to reflect the complexity of human relationships.

By approaching asexual romances with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling narratives that resonate with readers and challenge conventional notions of love and intimacy.

Crafting Emotionally Charged Romance Scenes

Writing romance scenes that prioritize emotional intimacy over physical interaction can add depth and resonance to your asexual romances. Here are some ideas for creating emotionally charged romance scenes:

Meaningful Conversations: Instead of relying solely on physical gestures or romantic clichés, focus on meaningful conversations between your characters. Use dialogue to explore their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires, and delve into the complexities of their emotional connection. 

Shared Experiences: Create opportunities for your characters to share intimate experiences that strengthen their emotional connection. Whether it's watching a beautiful sunset together, exploring a new city hand in hand, or sharing a quiet moment of reflection in nature, these shared moments can deepen their sense of closeness and build trust between them. 

Vulnerability and Support: Showcasing moments of vulnerability and support can highlight the depth of your characters' emotional bond. Allow your characters to open up to each other about their fears, insecurities, and past traumas, and explore how they offer comfort, reassurance, and understanding in return. 

Gestures of Affection: While physical intimacy may not be a focal point of your romance scenes, you can still incorporate subtle gestures of affection that convey love and tenderness. Consider incorporating acts of kindness, such as cooking a favorite meal, leaving notes of encouragement, or offering a comforting embrace during times of need.

Emotional Resonance: Infuse your romance scenes with emotional resonance by tapping into universal themes of love, longing, and connection. Explore the nuances of your characters' emotions, from the exhilaration of new love to the comfort of familiar companionship, and allow these feelings to permeate every interaction and exchange. 

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and connection in your romance scenes, you can create compelling narratives that celebrate the depth and complexity of asexual relationships. 

I hope this blog on Crafting Asexual Romance and Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction will help you in your writing journey. Be sure to comment any tips of your own to help your fellow authors prosper, and follow my blog for new blog updates every Monday and Thursday.  

Looking For More Writing Tips And Tricks? 

Are you an author looking for writing tips and tricks to better your manuscript? Or do you want to learn about how to get a literary agent, get published and properly market your book? Consider checking out the rest of Haya’s book blog where I post writing and publishing tips for authors every Monday and Thursday! And don’t forget to head over to my TikTok and Instagram profiles @hayatheauthor to learn more about my WIP and writing journey! 

[donniesexceptionalmind]

Infodump scientifically about the Aromantic spectrum. What makes the brain not desire a romantic relationship?

That is a very interesting question & it's difficult to answer.

The only problem is that scientific studies on aromanticism are still scarce & under-researched & of the few studies that do exist, many treat aromanticism as a sub-set of asexuality, which is false.

Aromanticism is defined as "having little or no romantic feeling towards others: experiencing little or no romantic desire or attraction." - Oxford English Dictionary (2018)

Aromantic people can be sexually attracted to someone & asexual people can also have an interest in having a romantic relationship. However, this also doesn't mean that aromantic people can't participate in a romantic relationship - it's all about boundaries & the happiness of the people committing themselves to the relationship & there are also many different types of relationships you can have. Romantic relationships ARE NOT SUPERIOR to any other form of relationship.

A harmful stereotype contains that aromantics are emotionally deficient, mentally ill, or traumatized. This perspective suggests that a lack of romantic attraction is a problem to be fixed & aromantic people are just choosing to abstain from it due to negative past experiences. While they may have experienced trauma, this does not invalidate their identity, nor is it true for every aromantic person.

Aromanticism per se is not a "deficit."

I ask: What makes the brain desire a romantic relationship?

The answers I found can be summarised to this:

Humans are social creatures & therefore crave companionship, connection & intimacy. In order to feel safe & secure, you must first feel loved, accepted & valued as a person.

Note: intimacy doesn't only mean sex. It also means "close familiarity or friendship" & "cozy & private or relaxed atmosphere." - Oxford English Dictionary

So, hm. Are these things you can only get in a romantic relationship? I would say no.

"Romance" is heavily promoted in our society via media. Romance is everywhere & you grow up thinking it is the ultimate goal in life & if you don't pursue it, you are weird.

I think that is the "true issue" & not the brain.

Of course I won't neglect the case that it could be because of a neurodivergency: when I got tested for autism, I noticed that some professionals truly think autistic people can't have romantic relationships because of their lack of empathy or their inability to feel emotions - which is a big (sometimes harmful) stereotype, but it can be true!

I apologise if that isn't the answer you were looking for, but I browsed through the internet for hours & I couldn't find anything regarding neuroscience. As I mentioned, there needs to be more research done in the future.

[thatonemouseykid]

So Alastor is aroace, what does that mean?

a.k.a aroace infodump/rundown if you dont know much about the ace spectrum (other ace specs please feel free to add)

Aromantic (aro) means that someone experiences little to no romantic attraction (like crushes, heart fluttering, falling in romantic love etc), or maybe that they experience it slightly differently to most people. Asexual (ace) means the same for sexual attraction (which basically means desire for a specific person, based on their actions or appearance).

It is possible to be both of these, or to be asexual but allloromantic (the opposite of aromantic), or aromantic and allosexual (opposite of asexual).

Alastor is canonically both of these things, and seems (from the discussions I've seen) to be on the far end of the spectrum where he experiences pretty much none of either.

An important thing to note, though, is that Viv has said that people have free reign to imagine him how they want, which I respect (so long as his canon identity is consistent) but have mixed feelings about. However, I have read a few fics where Alastor is shipped with someone (radioapple if you must know) but he was STILL aro/ace, which was awesome!

BUT HOW :OOOO

fun facts:

like i said, spectrum - someone can be greysexual/romantic which means they experience some sexual/romantic attraction, or demisexual/romantic where they only experience that attraction after forming a close bond with someone, and many other wonderful identities that experience attraction, just differently (and these people can still identify as aro/ace!)

it is possible to enjoy sex or dating even if you dont experience the feelings associated with them, lots of people do! (though this isn't an excuse to ignore someone's identity/treat them as allo)

alastor is a manipulative bitch, and would 100% fake it, so just write it from the other character's perspective /hj

... space to add if i remember what i was thinking of lmao

[rabbiitte]

thank you so much for your analysis on Mew - it's so interesting! I feel like there's so much hate towards him right now (and I don't really get why? The SandRay situation obviously isn't his fault?) but he's such an interesting character to me, flaws and all.

You're also the only person I've seen talk about his potential demisexuality, and I was wondering if you could expand on that? There are a lot of comments out there saying that Mew has a really unhealthy attitude to sex because he doesn't seem to want to have it - and spends the first few episodes actively avoiding it. I'm not disagreeing with that perspective entirely, but what's wrong with just not wanting to have sex? I'm asexual so I may be missing something in this fandom discourse - is it Mew's desire for control that's unhealthy, or is the argument that a healthy relationship must include sex? I was so pleased to see your comment about demisexuality, because honestly that's what his whole character screams to me. (I could also be reading into it way too much, we don't get a lot of ace/demi rep!)

Thanks again for the great meta, I love your posts!

You're welcome Anon! I'm glad you found the analysis on Mew interesting. I agree, there's so much hate towards Mew right now and I think it is due to several reasons: a) Mew negatively affects SandRay's development. b) Mew is a difficult character to read and that can make certain people uncomfortable. c) People don't like the actor and resent the fact that he's a central character in the series.

The topic you brought up is extremely interesting and I don't see enough people talking about it, so... Sure, let's talk about Mew's possible sexual orientation! 🤗

Since EP1 it has been theorized about Mew being demisexual due to the following moment:

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where individuals typically experience sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection or bond with someone. Unlike many other sexual orientations, demisexual individuals may not feel immediate or purely physical attraction to others and often require a deeper emotional connection to develop sexual desire.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation that is on the spectrum of asexuality. What does it mean that asexuality is a spectrum?

“asexuality as a spectrum” means that asexuality it's not a monolithic sexual orientation (not a single, uniform category that encompasses all people who identify as asexual) and that it encompasses a variety of experiences and degrees of sexual attraction. Asexual people may experience their orientation differently, and that's why we talk about a spectrum. Many asexual people may experience no sexual attraction and others may experience sexual attraction in very specific circumstances. However, this is only one aspect of many that makes asexuality a spectrum.

At the same time, asexuality is a sexual orientation within the asexual spectrum.

Mind you, lack of sexual attraction should not be confused with lack of romantic attraction. A person can be hetero-romantic, bi-romantic, homo-romantic, and so on.

Why do I explain all this? First, in the case that someone who's not very informed is reading. Second, because I think Mew is asexual and not demisexual. It's debatable, what's not debatable is that Mew's sexual orientation is part of the asexual spectrum. However, I think the theory that Mew is demisexual is no longer in line with what Mew has shown in recent episodes. Despite having accepted his feelings for Top and forming an emotional bond, Mew has no sexual attraction for Top. This is also consistent with the fact that Mew is still discovering his sexuality and, at first, he might have thought that after getting to know Top he would experience sexual attraction. In fact, many asexual people used to think at first they were demisexual (because at first you don't want to rule out the idea of possible future sexual attraction).

So, let's get things straight:

Mew isn't sexually attracted to Top. Despite that, like many asexual people, he may consider someone attractive. In this case, he considers Top attractive and, at the same time, he actively seeks a romantic relationship with him (once again, romantic attraction isn't related to sexual attraction). He isn't particularly interested in having or perusing sex. He never manifests enthusiasm, desire or strong emotional reactions (deep desire, passion, excitement, among other) towards the sexual act itself. In the shower scene he tells Top that their sexual encounter was "okay" and, during their first time, Mew simply lies down and lets himself be pleased (in case anyone is wondering, yes, asexual people can feel physical pleasure because they're still people and physical pleasure is a natural response of the body to stimuli).

Actually, Mew is completely fine being a virgin. Even so, he's not sex repulsed so he's fine with the idea of having sex. Although he doesn't have a terrible time doing it, he certainly doesn't enjoy it. And, like many asexual people, he feels pressured to have sex. However, it's important to note that Mew didn't have sex against his will. In fact, like many asexual people who decide to have sex for different reasons, Mew had sex with Top because he considered it important when it came to forming an intimate relationship.

Based on all this information we can say that, although someone's sexual orientation is something very particular that everyone experiences and defines internally (therefore it's difficult to know with certainty someone's sexual orientation), we can say that Mew is a homo-romantic asexual person. This means that Mew doesn't feel sexual attraction but does feel romantic attraction to people of the same gender. In turn, his attitude towards sex is neutral (he neither takes a sex-favorable stance nor rejects the idea of having sex).

Regarding your question about control or sex as something inherent in relationships, I don't think either of these two desires is unhealthy. Actually, we all want to have some degree of control in our lives, otherwise we would live in a constant state of anxiety and panic. Control is unhealthy when it becomes a necessity and an obsession. Control also becomes unhealthy when someone tries to maintain control through questionable attitudes that affect others negatively. I also don't think the idea of not wanting to have sex is unhealthy. Sex isn't a prerequisite for romantic relationships (in fact, there are countless healthy romantic relationships that don't include sex), our degree of sexual attraction doesn't define us. In terms of sexual health, a healthy and positive relationship with one's sexuality involves being able to identify one's own limits and respect them. I believe that the thought of “avoiding sex or not wanting to have sex” as unhealthy is related to the pathologization of asexuality. However, it's of utmost importance to remember that asexuality is not a problem to be solved.

I am sorry to dwell on so much Anon but I consider this topic extremely significant and valuable to discuss. Of course, feel free to disagree with me. I hope I answered your questions!

[themistressdomme]

Hi! I'm messaging because I was reading your blog and i saw you mention you were ace! I'm curious as to what your experience is on the ace spectrum in terms of intimacy and how you discovered your identity (if you don't mind my asking, completely understandable if you dont wish to answer)

I ask as I myself am Acespec and I ADORE reading smut but don't particularly care for actual intimacy and I'm curious for another perspective , especially from someone who's writing is so captivating :)

Thank you!

(A silly gal who likes your blog)

Hello my love!

First off, thank you so much for your compliment for my words! 🥰 I'm flattered and I appreciate that so much! 🤗

I'd absolutely love to answer this question! I love meeting fellow acespecs and learning their experiences, because it's not very talked-about and it can feel devastating and so lonely when you're first trying to figure things out!

For anyone wondering what "acespec" is, it's shortened for the asexual spectrum! Someone who is asexual may not experience sexual attraction/desire, but that's very broad and we're all different! :))

For me, I discovered my identity when I realized that I didn't like receiving in any sort of way. Really, the first clues, looking back, were that I never did find myself that curious about sex at that teenage age where all my friends were. I also didn't find myself fantasizing about anyone, when again, all my peers were. I just thought I'd "grow out of it", and that I'd be "normal" when I was older.

News flash, that's not the way it went.

I realized that receiving during sex for me on my actual body (i.e., the strap is not a part of my anatomical body and so I love using it/receiving on it) made me feel... "gross"? That might not be the right word, but it's the best word I can find for now. It doesn't make me feel good.

For a long time, I thought it was because I wasn't ever really comfortable (in terms of being vulnerable) with the people that I was hooking up with. Now imagine my surprise when I found out that it's not just me - there's a term for it! "Ace"! Or rather, "acespec"!!! It was a eureka moment for me, and everything started to make sense. I finally didn't have to be so uncomfortable and just receive (to be "normal"), because it is normal to be on the acespec for some people! Before realizing this, I was very bad with boundaries and just let myself dissociate while receiving because I thought that was the proper way to do things, as to not upset my partners, whether it be relationships or randoms. But once I found that there's a word for that, it made me almost cry from knowing that I'm not alone in feeling that way.

In terms of intimacy in the sense of giving, I love giving. I love it so damn much. I love being a Domme. I learnt that there is a word for this too! "Stone top"!!! Again with the happiness when I realized that this was a feeling that had a label!!!! Whilst I know that labels aren't everything, and that some people don't like them, it really helped me in that moment, knowing that there was a label for someone like me.

For me, being acespec also includes not having a very high libido on a day-to-day basis, so I don't ever really initiate sex, if that makes sense? But once it's initiated by a partner, I can be absolutely down to pleasure them. This can also be difficult because multiple partners in the past have thought that I don't initiate because I "don't find them attractive anymore" and stuff like that, but that is absolutely not the case.

We're all goofy lil things, and we're all different!

Thank you for telling me your experience as an acespec! It was very interesting to see that you love reading smut but don't really care for physical intimacy!!! :))

Thank you, darling!

So much love for you, fellow acespec, silly gal 🥰🥰

P.S. If my explanation is a little all over the place, please do forgive me! I've never really said all this out loud before! :))

[an-architect-of-words]

Rambling: Anyone else think it’s important to Kaz Brekker’s character that he ISN’T Aro/Ace?

See, I get nervous making analyses like this because it’s hard not to make it sound aggressively like “how dare you have an head canon?” But I kind of want to share my personal reading of this. I went into SoC thinking Kaz was asexual, because I’d heard that. Then I read his backstory bit from CK and… it basically directly says that he’s not. He’s got trauma-induced haphephobia. As he got older, he really wanted to have physical intimacy with women, and we see this when CK mentions that he was very attracted to a girl named Imogen and wanted to have the relationship with her he saw the other dregs having with their girlfriends and wives.

He set out to try and work through his psychological problems so that he could touch others’ skin again, and he realized he couldn’t practice this because whenever people saw him fail, it compromised his future as a barrel boss by showing an obvious weakness. So he intentionally ruined things with Imogen and went hard on developing the lore behind covering his hands. He let people believe he was just evil, and that he never touches people not because he can’t but because he hates people.

He made a conscious decision to appear to despise intimacy even though he doesn’t because a) skin contact triggers him after what he went through as a kid and b) he knows that any fondness he shows for a person will endanger his Crows. And we see constantly that this concern is incredibly founded, because Kaz uses that tactic against other bosses and Van Eck attempts to do it to him with Inej. And the fact that Van Eck totally buys that Kaz doesn’t care about Inej personally is what saves her from losing her legs! This moment causes a rift between Inej and Kaz, but it also acts as proof that how Kaz acts is necessary, because his enemies are that screwed up.

Idk, I just think it’s incredibly vital to how the book and Kaz himself are written that he is very into the idea of sexual intimacy but is forced not to pursue it. I think that’s what makes the POV of Inej (and all the Crows in differing ways) interesting as well because, from her perspective, she loves Kaz and he only treats her as a purchased asset. He makes a point of putting distance between himself and the Crows. That hurts them but is intended to be a show for the enemies watching. And there’s just great dramatic irony when you get to Kaz’s POV and see that his internal workings are much more complicated than what the other Crows physically see. I think this is why Netflix Kaz seemed different. You can’t depict this part of him outside a book. You have to give him more openly soft moments so the audience realizes he cares since they can’t hear his inner monologues.

But I digress.

And this isn’t to say many different kinds of people can’t still identify with Kaz or individual parts of his story! If there’s one aspect of him that you think represents something you feel, then articulate that! But as a total character, I think something different from aro/ace was written. This is a guy who really *wants* physical intimacy and can’t have it. It’s important to Kaz that his trauma stole something that he wanted, and that’s hard on him— it’s not just that he doesn’t feel the desire. That’s a different experience.

[scrollll]

Hi there :) I'm sorry to bother you but this is very important because you are now the chosen Ace who can give me their perspective on Zouey. I have adamantly argued that Zouey can be read as being on the ace spectrum but some of my friends say that's not realistic. My arguments: - He gets aroused by things that are removed from reality (hentai) and in moments where there is no risk of actually having to be sexual with the person (Teena as a model) but he struggles to enjoy the "real" thing -> sounds very aegosexual to me. - He says sex is for everybody but him. Later he changes that to "sex might be for him if it's combined with love" -> that could either hint at him being demi or it could mean that he is willing to have sex out of love for his significant other (as many aces do). - He can give pleasure and touch others but doesn't like to be touched -> this feels ace to me but I can't really explain why - Even when he touches Teena, he often struggles with things that are "more" sexual (like touching genitals) -> could be that he feels strong sensual attraction towards Teena. He also seems to distance himself from the reality of the situation by escaping into the fantasy of hentai, another thing many aces do because the reality of sex actually turns them off. - He thinks he wants to have penetrative sex with Teena but then doesn't enjoy it

Their strongest counter argument is that Zouey gave Teena a bj in episode 1. Now, I see their point. And I don't think Zouey being acespec is the only valid interpretation of his character. I like some of the other interpretations just as much. BUT I hate when people tell me that he can't possibly be on the ace spec. We have so little representation as it is and telling us that a character who speaks to us actually can't be like us feels shitty. I'm ace myself but my experience with sex is quite different from his. From your post it seems that you can relate to Zouey a lot. So if you feel comfortable sharing your perspective, I'm sure that would be valuable not only for me but for other aces as well. Thanks for making that post! (Also that Chinese definition of asexuality is so badass xD)

For starters, my sweet love anon, thank you so much for this ask and a big warm hug through the internet for you if you feel comfortable with it :D

And it's no bother, I like talking and writing XD

And regarding Zouey... welp, you asked, so I will deliver but be prepared for a longer essay XD

Let's start with the basics for those who are not quite familiar with asexuality: asexuality is a broad spectrum with many different nuances, gray areas and so on.

In the asexual community (as well as in some others), a distinction is made between romantic and sexual orientation. It is therefore possible to love a person romantically and still have no or only very limited sexual desires.

So: Asexual people fall in love with others, they want romantic or platonic relationships, but mostly without feeling sexual attraction for them.

Asexuality doesn't always mean that a person doesn't have sex. Yep, it may sound strange at first, but it's true. Many asexual people satisfy themselves or have sex, e.g. because they want to have a child, but nothing more. Some asexuals who are sex-positive or sex-neutral, i.e. who are not repulsed by the idea of sexual activity or are simply indifferent to it, have had sex or participate in sexual acts.

So an asexual who has sex will not suddenly become homosexual or straight, they can still feel like they belong to the ace spectrum. There are a variety of labels that break it all down and all fall under the ace umbrella, like placiosexual, lithosexual, cupiosexual, but to make a long story short, for many of us it's just too complicated :) So many just prefer "Ace-spec" or Ace-spectrum, but that's a personal preference of myself and a few ace friends of mine. It's nice to know the labels, but usually just too complicated for everyday use XD

And I also rank Zouey's blowjob from EP.1 on the ace spectrum. You very aptly mentioned the point that Zouey gets aroused by things that aren't part of reality. I think in EP 1 the blowjob went in exactly that direction.

For Zouey, as we also find out later, Teena is first of all a beautiful work of art himself. In his imagination, he sees him more as a statue that he can touch than as a person. Only when he runs into the bathroom does this bubble burst for the moment.

Zouey seems very overwhelmed to me, which I can understand, because he normally only experiences sexual stimulation from two-dimensional figures. Teena, however, crosses the line. For Zouey, he is at first only a two-dimensional figure on his easel, but at the same time he exists in real life. Zouey, who only knows sexual attraction based on hentai or pictures, is now confused as to whether this means that he finds Teena or only Teena's picture (similar to Jump's) attractive.

At this moment, however, I don't think he really got anything like sexual arousal or desire from Teena himself. It was, as I said, initially only Teena's picture that aroused him, the confusion comes because Teena runs after him and Zouey is undecided whether he should treat him like an aesthetic art object or like a human being and whether he would still find him attractive as a human being at all.

Zouey decides in favor of safety. He wants to return to the art room, back in front of his canvas and the distance he knows and feels comfortable with.

The blowjob is initiated by Teena putting Zouey's hand on his crotch, making it clear that he is not just interested in a conversation and certainly doesn't want to go back to painting.

And Zouey knows that.

In a household like that with Captain and Porsche, it's pretty much impossible to avoid the topic of sex permanently. As an ace, we may not be interested in sex, but especially if you have friends who are very sexually active, you get a lot of information.

And you can't tell me that the baddie bunch hasn't talked about blowjob tactics and the like at least thirty times. Especially because really none of them can shut up and Captain and Porsche are very keen to get Zouey deflowered soon.

So Zouey presumably knows the stories from his friends and knows on a logical level what it means when someone practically hands you their dick on a silver platter. And he has the theoretical knowledge, so why not try it out, especially with an aesthetically pleasing man like Teena, who is a painting come to life for him from an artistic perspective?

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it was a real sexual attraction at that moment, but rather an action-reaction. Of course, attraction can also play a role, but as I said, it doesn't have to be sexual, it can have an aesthetic origin, especially with Zouey's artistic mind.

Sex-indifferent aces are not repulsed by all sexual acts, so if our partner desires certain types of satisfaction and we feel like doing it, why not?

As the episode progresses, Zouey gives Teena another blowjob, but still dear people, Bj does not equal sex. Zouey still clearly shows his rejection of penetrative sex, or sexual acts that involve him. And that's pretty typical of us aces, or at least the ones I've met on the spectrum so far.

It feels okay to read about or watch sexual acts (mostly for aesthetic reasons rather than masturbation, but I don't want to generalize) because in 3rd perspective you are detached from the action and can look at it objectively.

You're not involved and that's nice.

By satisfying Teena, Zouey can still keep himself uninvolved. A nice term under the Ace umbrella for this is: Placiosexual (meaning a person that is okay and comfortable with performing sexual actions onto others but is uncomfortable having sexual acts performed onto them) This can still have limits and gradations, such as no penetrative sex in general or sexual acts under certain conditions.

As I said, also with the further development in the series and the way he deals with Teena and sexual innuendos, Zouey just feels very ace-coded to me. He moves on the spectrum, again, labels are nothing solid, but the vibes and the whole thing… Yeah, he is a fellow oft he ace for me XD

I wouldn't be surprised if he turns into Demi or Gray-ace, but his general view of sex and the way he's starting to expand his comfort zone bit by bit is very familiar to me from myself and my adventures on the asexual spectrum XD

However you interpret Zouey, for me he's chilling on the ace-spec XD It's my personal interpretation of him and I'll stick with that for now. I don't want to badmouth anyone's idea of Zouey, in the end he's a fictional character that we can interpret differently :)

But it feels very nice to have someone who thinks similarly :D

So, before this gets way too long, I'll make a cut here, but feel free to write me or send an ask if I should clarify anything :)

[yallemagne]

Queer.

Every so often, the same fucking post roles up on my dash. And since it's Pride Month? You know what it's about.

Now, I will be frank, any time I see someone crying "you can't use queer for yourself because I don't want to be called a slur!!!" I do roll my eyes, though that doesn't mean I don't understand the concept.

When I didn't even know who I was, I had plenty of terms thrown at me that didn't fit. People didn't know what to call me so usually they just called me gay. I didn't like being called gay because it wasn't who I was. Gay implied something about both my gender and my sexuality that wasn't true... but I didn't know the truth yet. I could hardly correct people.

Eventually, I figured out that my ambivalence to either gender didn't mean I was bi without a preference but that I was asexual. I explained this to people who would try to categorize me as gay, "No, actually, I'm asexual.", and I would then explain the concept of asexuality. This led to sexual harassment. Getting dressed in the locker room and being told what sexual positions people imagined me in and with whom. Being made to feel like I was the pervert in those situations.

And now saying I'm ace still gets a similar response just from what I hope is a more well-meaning crowd.

"Well, ace people can have sex/want to have sex. Are you sure you're not demi/greyace? You've never even tried sex, so you don't know." Congrats for vaguely understanding the concept of a spectrum. I personally use the dictionary definition of asexual, so I do not partake in sex nor desire to.

"Well, ace people can date/want to date. You have to say ace/aro or I'll just assume you're heteroromantic." No, because for me, unless explicitly stated otherwise, asexual and aromantic are a package deal. You wouldn't demand this same clarification from someone of any other sexuality.

It's a frustrating situation where even when I am clear and using a community-approved label for myself, I am still sexualized and pressured into seeking a relationship, and it puts me back into the mind of the kid who was bullied in the locker room. That doesn't mean that ace people on the opposite side of the spectrum or with different romantic attractions are my enemy. It just means we're different, and it's lovely that we're different, and the people who attempt to weaponize the speculative chance that an ace person might be down to fuck in order to pressure that person into sex are the real assholes.

I didn't know I was trans for the longest time because gender-nonconforming trans people were paraded around as freaks and the gender-conforming ones were just barely safe from scrutiny so long as they weren't associating with those people. But I eventually figured out that I'm genderqueer. I tend to say trans-masc nonbinary, but a more encompassing label might be genderqueer, and I drop the "gender" part and say queer because it embodies my gender identity and sexuality paired together, not separated into neat little boxes.

From my own queer perspective, the frustration with being told not to use the word queer is that we either have to pick from the four most recognizable labels (lesbian, gay, bi, and trans), dip into the bargain bin of obscure and often unaccepted labels, or make up something new. We're often told that we don't fit into the big four categories, that we are a disgrace to those. Obscure labels constantly have to be explained, and people turn their noses up upon hearing them. And making up a new label always has the risk of it being swept from under us and us being told by our more "acceptable" counterparts: "Your identity offends. Change it."

People saw my gender presentation and lack of interest in dating and picked words they already knew to describe me, and since those words didn't fit me, I felt even more isolated in a time when I needed support. I got my hair cut in middle school, and it was like I was finally moving in the right direction. My friend saw and the first thing she did was laugh at me, calling me a dyke. That does not give me the right to tell dykes "Hey! That word hurt me! You have to use the softer word "lesbian" instead." Besides, it wasn't the word, it was the intent of the person who threw it at me.

No one reclaiming the word queer is using it as a slur, but we are villified and told "That word hurt me! Use a softer word!" And I have to ask: is it really any one of you non-queer-identifying individuals' business? You see someone in the process of loving themselves and finding themselves in a diverse community, and you want to shatter that because you were hurt before? That's villain origin story shit. You want to poison the well because if people are allowed to call themselves queer more people will know the word queer and think it's okay to say and randos will think that you are queer and use queer to describe you when you're actually lesbian, gay, bi, trans, whatever label you prefer. But just because someone might misidentify you doesn't mean other identities need to be pushed back into the closet.

And of course, some are upset because people say Queer Community and it's called Queer History rather than being separated out into Gay History, Lesbian History, Bisexual History, Trans History--- but dude? You can still say LGBT or LGBTQ or LGBTQIA+ (though, if you hate the word queer, I guess you'd only accept the first acronym?) when referring to the community, and people will NEVER stop using the acronym. You aren't being run out by us scary queer people with our nasty labels, YOURS STILL EXIST AND YOU ARE STILL FREE TO LABEL YOURSELF AS YOU PLEASE. Does that mean no one will ever unknowingly group you in as queer when you're not comfortable with it? No. But... I'm sorry... but fucking suck it up.

You aren't queer? Okay, yeah, I accept that. I am queer. That doesn't make you a good person and me a bad person or vice versa.

[eccentricmya]

So I was thinking, reading Aegnor and Andreth from the perspective of an asexual Aegnor makes their story a bit less tragic. But a bit more complicated.

The whole thing about not marrying because of Noldor customs during war could be a simpler explanation Aegnor used to refuse to marry Andreth and give her what she desired but he didn't. The fact that marriage and physical relations were quite interchangeable for elves (thanks LaCE) makes it natural that Aegnor would equate the two and refuse marriage altogether.

And maybe when they met, Andreth was very much a horny teenager? Eager to explore romance and sexual pleasure. While Aegnor was shy but willing to indulge the romance bit, he did not know how to word his feelings on the pleasure part.

Though their romance blossomed, it remained unconsummated according to Andreth, an ache she took to her grave. But Aegnor had no such regrets, he died with a love he considered fulfilled, albeit short.