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controlmyfeet · 9 months

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i still feel everything when you are near - matty healy

matty healy x ex!reader

angst

warnings: exes, alcohol consumption, insecurities, jealousy (kinda?), pining, kissing, crying (lmk if there’s more i need to add!)

a/n: not sure about this. i think the last time i tried to write fanfiction i was 13, so feedback is appreciated but pls be nice lol. also, english is not my first language!

3570 words

it still hurts.

i didn't think it would hurt as much after 6 months, but seeing him in the flesh makes me realize it does. i thought i was already used to it, thought i was actually doing a good job moving on, if we ignore my slump in the first 3 weeks after the breakup, where i would just leave the house for work and groceries (that i would overbuy because i forgot i'd just cook for myself), i think i was doing pretty okay.

i should've guessed he would be in the city. he can't stay in one place for too long; if he has a few days free in between shows, he's going to look for a studio to work in. usually in london, los angeles, or here. most of the time, he ends up here.

but i never know where he is anymore.

i deleted twitter from my phone after 2 months. maybe because of the questions, perhaps because i didn't care, or maybe i was tired of reading all the tabloids and fearing they were true. maybe i care too much. whatever, right? it just means i haven't seen him in a while, even in pictures.

i'm sitting by the dark wooden bar counter when i first spot him. he's standing with charli and george in the vip section near the dj booth, surrounded by people as always. my friends noticed that he's here too, but they haven't said anything, which i'm grateful for. i'd rather pretend it doesn't affect me.

he looks different, though. his arms are bigger, and his hair is longer; soft curls fall over big brown eyes that crinkle whenever george says something funny. he still has that boyish smile.

lulu and bea went dancing and i said i'd join them in a minute. we go to this club every time we're in the city, but tonight it is more crowded than usual. my secluded spot at the bar being the only place i won't be pushed around. still, i feel bad. it's my best friend's birthday, and we came to new york together to celebrate, but instead, i'm drowning my sorrows with cosmos.

"you won't even say hi now?" i hear matty's voice from behind me and turn around, startled. he stands tall and confident as always, but his eyes no longer hold the same energy. here, up close, i can see that his eyebags look more prominent, and his stubble has grown slightly. he looks tired. i don't think i look any better.

"hi," i say, looking into his brown orbs, phlegmatic, as if the butterflies in my stomach aren't going batshit crazy right now "i didn't see you, sorry."

he grins cheekily, "it's alright, darling."

i don't really know what to say. he should hate me, honestly. it wouldn't be surprising considering how we left things, with all the yelling, name calling. with all the broken picture frames. it started with another rumor while he was on tour, another leaked picture. he was so dismissive and vague about it that i just couldn't find it in myself to trust him, and he could only complain about how childish all of it was.

i guess he doesn't, though. they have free drinks inside the vip section. i remember it from when we came here together. he doesn't need to come all the way to the bar for a drink.

"it-it's good to see you," i stutter, apprehensive now. fearing that maybe he really does hate me, and just walked over to tell me how much so. i mean, i would hate him, too, if i could. but no matter how hard i try, i can't. and believe me, i've tried.

matty is standing so close that the loud music sounds muffled now, and the warm, dim light of the bar reflecting on his silky skin makes me want to melt into his arms. so i try to keep my eyes focused on my feet.

he seems to notice that i'm struggling as i fidget with my empty glass.

"can i get you another one?" he asks amicably. my eyes shift from my feet to the glass in my hands and back to his eyes.

"sure," i reply shyly.

he asks a bartender polishing wine glasses next to us for another cosmopolitan. behind the man, shelves from the same material as the counter hold a collection of glass bottles of different colors with labels sporting french and italian names. matty sits on the barstool beside mine. "so…what are you doing here in new york? i thought you hated the city this time of the year."

and it's true, i hate new york during the summer. the concrete buildings seem to make the temperature much higher, and tourists crowd every corner. it feels claustrophobic. the subway also smells extra bad during these months. but i loved being here with him, no matter the season. i loved being anywhere with him.

"well, yeah. but it's lulu's birthday, and she wanted to celebrate it here, so here we are. the three of us."

"bea is here too?"

"she is, yeah."

him talking about my friends is familiar. many sunday evenings were spent on his couch sharing a bottle of red with my newest candle burning on the side. at the same time, i'd tell him about the most recent gossip in my friend group, and he would listen.

the barman places the new drink before me and takes the empty glass. i thank him and take a sip of the pink liquid. it's sweet and sour, and the vodka calms my nerves a little bit. he's staring at my lips. so i lick them clean.

he shifts, and suddenly, i feel his calloused fingertips brush against my elbow resting comfortably over the counter. much more tender than last time; my skin burns where he touches it.

"how's your writing going?" he asks, looking into my eyes now.

i tell him i'm still at the magazine, it's going alright. not a lot has changed since we broke up. but it's less exciting, more monotonous. i leave that part out. and he asks me about my own stuff, poems and essays hidden in my drafts.

it's just awkward small talk. so awkward. like we're just acquaintances. friends of friends being left alone, being civil to each other.

it's also a conversation we've had before. documents on my computer that weren't fitting enough for the editors or that i just wrote on a whim. he used to tell me to publish them either way, to leave the magazine and find people who actually appreciate my work, or to start my own thing. but it would be useless; they're not good enough.

"well, i don't know, it's been a while since i've written anything out of work." i take another sip, just to calm down a little. "haven't felt very inspired lately."

oh my god, shut up– i can't say this to my ex. it's embarrassing, pitiful.

"it happens." he takes my hand and brushes his thumb over my knuckles. i still shiver "you're really talented, love. you should be proud of yourself. i am."

even his praise hurts now; i miss hearing it daily. it's a stab in my chest, salt on the wound. so i just bite my lip and nod. afraid that if i say something, a choked sob will come out.

there's longing in his eyes, and he gets a look like he wants to say more. but his gaze flickers behind me for a moment, and he drops my hand and gives my left shoulder a squeeze, showing me a soft smile.

"i'll leave you be, then. it was nice seeing you, love."

there's a voice in the back of my head begging me to make him stay, but i know i can't do that, not when i recall why it ended the way it did. still, i want to reach for his hand and pull him back to me, just for a few minutes at least. but someone grips my shoulders.

"there you are!" lulu says excitedly, already a few drinks ahead of me. her dark blonde hair messy and her skin glimmering with sweat from all the dancing. bea follows right behind her. "c'mon, let's do some shots, you need to power up for all the dancing you owe me."

"alright." i force a giggle and down my drink as bea asks the bartender for three tequila shots.

a few minutes and many shots later, the three of us are on the dance floor, swaying wildly to the loud, thumping bass of whatever music the dj's playing. just being around my girls makes me feel less anxious, and the flashing lights, plus all the alcohol already flowing through my body are making my mind a bit hazy, which helps me let loose a little.

as i move, i can feel the beat of the music inside my chest, sweaty bodies pushing against me without a care. i even forget about matty for a minute. i don't think about how his hands used to feel on me when we danced together, not at all.

we dance for maybe 30 minutes. until lulu finds one of her many ex-flings, and, as they catch up, bea asks me to go to the bathroom with her. taking my hand, she leads me out of the crowded area and towards the door labeled "ladies' room".

the contrast from the mostly dark club to the bathroom's white walls makes my eyes squint. it's colder in here, quieter. i can hear the stifled bass from the music and high heels clicking against the floor tiles.

as i wait for bea, i brace myself on the sink in front of me and look into the mirror. everything is happening too fast. talking to matty, downing shots, and being dragged to the dance floor immediately. my head is pounding. i didn't have the time to process what is going on tonight.

my ears are ringing, and it feels like all the alcohol has suddenly lost all its effect. instantly sobering up, i grab a paper towel and dab it on my arms and face to try to get rid of the sweat. turning on the sink, i wet my hands and place them on the back of my neck to cool down and try to help with the dizziness. i hear the toilet flush, and bea comes out of the cubicle, running her hands through her wavy black hair. i reach into my purse and pull out my lipgloss, coating my lips evenly while looking at myself in the mirror.

"i'm going to the back for a bit," i tell bea as she approaches the sink next to me.

"you okay? do you need water?" she asks, concerned

"yea- yes, i just need to breathe a little."

"okay, text me if you need anything." i just nod and leave the bathroom. she knows me, knows i need to be alone.

pushing through crowded bodies, i head to the club's back door, leading to a narrow alleyway where the employees usually store extra liquor bottles. it also doubles as a smoking area, so i shouldn't be surprised when i see him as soon as i open the door. tattooed arms flexing as he lights a cigarette, probably not his first one of the night, and i turn back to try to leave before he sees me.

"leaving so soon?" i turn around again and already feel my cheeks heating up. embarrassed, like a kid caught eating dessert before dinner. "you can stay."

"it's okay, i'll go somewhere else," i wave him off mindlessly. he came here to enjoy his cig on his own, right? he doesn't need his ex-girlfriend plaguing his chill alone time "i don't want to bother you, i just need some air."

"please stay." it's not the first time he says this, but this time i do.

with pink-tinged cheeks and heels clicking loudly, i slowly walk down the three small steps in front of the door and move to stand across him with my back resting against the club's brick wall. the warm summer air hits my skin, and i can hear the rustle of the traffic. "you could never bother me." i pretend i didn't hear him.

"i thought you were quitting," i motion to the burning cigarette between his fingers. the moonlight illuminated the alleyway, making the smoke around him look like some kind of silver aura. he smiles at me.

"i'm trying," he says, taking a drag and blowing it out by the side of his mouth, and i laugh.

"it sure looks like it," i reply, still smiling. i'm not as nervous as i expected i would be in this situation; maybe the alcohol hasn't worn off as much as i thought.

he shrugs, running a hand through his hair. "well, you know me".

my eyes follow his every movement, long, calloused fingers holding the rolled paper limply and bringing it up to his red, pouty lips. i start to fidget with the end of my skirt, trying to distract myself by looking at how my fingers twist the fabric. busying myself, so i don't remember how those same lips used to feel against my own or on the curve between my neck and shoulder.

i look up again when i hear matty step on his cigarette– putting it out– and he starts to walk in my direction. my breath hitches. we are face to face now, noses almost touching. closer than we were at the bar. i can see every freckle on his face when he's this close. i can see the chapped corner of his mouth and the grey that's starting to show up on his now tousled hair.

"why did you leave?" he's straight to the point. his voice comes out low, almost a whisper. at our position, there's no need to be louder than that. there's no hatred in his tone; still, he's not smiling. a flash of hurt appears on his face for a moment. "didn't i make you happy?"

"of course you did, matty." i build the courage to look into his eyes, honey pouring out of them. "we've already talked about this."

he lifts his right hand to rest it on the wall beside my head while letting out a scoff. "but i don't get it," his tone is a little bit louder now. he's not aggressive, but he's not whispering anymore. "what happened?"

"it was for the best." i've stopped whispering too. i place my hands on my forehead. as if to avert the impending headache that will follow this conversation. i don't really know what happened either or when it started happening. i feel sweat droplets running down my hairline, not sure if it's from the summer heat, our closeness, or my disquietude.

"for the best of who?" he questions, lifting an eyebrow, "i don't feel any better!"

"we were fighting all the time, you know this!" there's a lump in my throat, and i can already feel the pressure between my eyes, working hard so the tears don't fall. i lower my voice again. "it was only a matter of time until one of us left, i just left first."

his gaze softens– probably after seeing my flooding waterline– and it's a while before he talks again, as if he's gathering his thoughts. thinking before he speaks for once, "i could never leave you" it's a low, gravely whisper, and i probably wouldn't have heard it if we weren't this close. "i wish you'd stayed."

it's a blow to my chest. like a gunshot, blood running down my ribcage. and for a second, i don't think i can breathe.

"i wish you'd done a lot of things, matty." my vision is blurry now, and i feel a single tear roll down my right cheek. i wish he would answer my calls when he stayed late at the studio. i wish he would listen to me when i said i felt neglected. i wish he would give me more security when i felt jealous of the girls partying with him and the boys while i was on the other side of the pond. i wish i stayed. when i can't sleep because i suddenly realize that my bed is too cold, too empty. when i wake up, and there are no kisses on my bare shoulder. when i have to climb over my kitchen counter to reach the can of pasta sauce on the top shelf. when i'm so anxious, and there's no one to hold me… "sometimes i wish i stayed too."

slowly, his hands cup my jaw. long fingers run lightly across my skin and wipe the lonely tear on my face. the hairs on my neck straighten up, and my heart stirs, beating a little faster. he carefully traces his right thumb over my lower lip, giving me time to reject and push him away. and then, his soft lips lock on mine. no warning. i feel his stubble rub against my chin and let out a sigh. there's a flutter on my lower stomach, burning. i should have pushed him away. instead, my fingers trail up his neck, nails brushing against his skin, and finally into his hair as he coaxes his hot tongue into my mouth. he tastes like cigarettes, of course. i can also taste the rum and lime from the mojito he had earlier. one of his hands travels down and he pulls me by the waist, bodies touching fully now. matty groans into my liquored mouth and i preen; it's good to know i still have that effect on him. that i can still make him let out those pretty sounds with just a kiss. it might be selfish, but we both are. because i bet he's proud too, that every touch of his still sends shivers down my spine. i pull out for air first, lungs already starting to burn. my fingers are still buried in his curls as he rests his forehead on mine, both breathing heavily.

"i need you, love," he whispers against my kiss-swollen lips, voice cracking. there's a smudge of lipgloss on the side of his mouth. it was no use reapplying it.

"matty, i can't," my voice comes out weak, just like how i feel.

"why not? you got somebody?" matty frowns, starting to sound a bit agitated.

i shake my head lightly "i don't."

"what is it?"

"i already told you" it's my turn to cup his face now, scuff prickling against my palms. "we already had this fight before, you get annoyed because i can't trust you, and i start yelling because you don't take me seriously!"

"of course i take you seriously!" he defends, already becoming increasingly exasperated. i just shake my head; there's no use going through this all over again. it hurt enough the first time. however, i still close my eyes, knowing that if i keep looking at him, the chances of me believing him are higher.

"i'm not built for this, matty," for being away from him, for time zones and phone calls, for pretty girls throwing themselves all over him "i'm not strong enough."

"look at me, baby." his hands moved from my waist up to cup my face again, thumb brushing lightly over my cheekbones. "please," i open my eyes.

"do you love me?" he asks. i realize his eyes are glossed over now "because i love you. so fucking much."

it will be easier if i say no, break his heart all at once. give him a reason to give up. it takes me a while, but i nod.

"yeah?" there's a glimmer of hope on his wet iris.

"i do, but-"

"then we'll figure it out" it's not that simple; just figuring it out is not enough. we hurt each other.

"we'll just end up in the same place, matty," i explain firmly. at this point, tears stream both of our faces. his chest heaves, and i try to contain another sob. he turns his face slightly to press his lips to my palm, just for a second.

"stay with me, please." our noses touch, and i can no longer distinguish his tears from mine. "i'll do better, i swear."

"it's not going to work."

"just for tonight at least, please," it comes out ragged, and he grazes his lips on mine, leaving a gentle but salty peck. "just for a little bit."

this shouldn't be happening. it's a mess, all of it. no matter how hard or how many times we try, even if we start all over again, we'll just end up in the same place. i know how i am and how he is. our love is tainted, a ticking bomb. so no matter how much i love him, how much i want him, i know we'll just go back to those screaming matches and broken pictures.

but if we keep doing this again and again, maybe then we won't have to say goodbye. at least i won't have to spend an entire lifetime missing him. so maybe just one night won't hurt, right? i've done it a million times. staying for just a little bit won't hurt…i think.

okay, just for a little bit.

#matty healy x reader #matty healy angst #the 1975 #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy fic #matty x reader #the 1975 fanfic

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xiexiecaptain · 1 year

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The biggest thing I've learned to help manage my ADHD in regards to getting things done is to Follow Those Impulses

(I'm not saying this will work for or is even a good strategy for everyone, but in my own situation it's helped me.)

I'm like allergic to consistency in schedule and cannot enforce one on myself so all it leads to is self-loathing and failure. Trust me, I've been attempting to will-power, shame-fuel my way through it since I was a preteen (I'm currently almost 30.) It does not work for me.

Obviously medication can give me a huge leg up on stuff. But beyond a certain point my brain is simply not wired for long-term sustained consistency.

As in many of my issues, I've found that working with myself gets better results than fighting myself.

When I follow those sudden impulses of interest and motivation, I get things done.

To the outside, I look absolutely haphazard. I'll pause a show I'm watching mid-sentence, stand up, and go empty the dishwasher because my mood/brain/chemicals *ping*ed that it was suddenly do-able and not a huge overwhelming task. Or I'll be putting away laundry and that *ping* will go off and I'll spend three hours re-organizing my closet.

To a neurotypical, this looks like distracted and disorganized behavior.

To me, it's following the way my brain naturally works in order to accomplish tasks.

My ADHD manifests in that I experience very small and unsustainable windows of motivation and interest. So when I feel that window crack open, doing the Thing right then (when the situation enables me to) can mean the Thing actually happens. Even if it's not the thing I'm "supposed" to be doing.

With a neurotypical in that situation, they might be putting away clothes and think: "Oh, I should organize my closet. I have time this weekend, I'll do it then," finish putting away their clothes, and then organize the closet when they had free time that weekend.

I used to try to do things that way too. Because it was how I was taught that "responsible, real people" did it, and had "finish one thing before you start another" drilled into my head. But I'm literally not wired to work that way. And I've been working on undoing that internalized ableism of believing one way of doing things is better and I need to change to adhere to it. I don't and shouldn't be expected to to my own detriment.

For me with the closet example, the weekend would come and I would spend 5 hours screaming at myself to stop working on whatever did have my interest in order to go organize the closet. Sometimes I might ended up doing it. More often, I would not be able get myself to do it even after all that. I would just sit there, yelling at myself, hating myself despite my brain literally not having the chemicals to initiate the activity (let alone follow through) and nothing would get done. Not even the thing I wanted to focus on instead.

The only thing I did accomplish was hating myself for not being able to do "simple" things like other people (read: neurotypicals.)

This is basically how I spent the majority of my schooling; doing simple tasks felt like running in sand. And I internalized all the messages that told me it was my own fault I couldn't run as fast and in as straight a line as those running on pavement.

The past few years, I've been trying to follow impulses more. And its honestly been really helpful.

I get more done even if it isn't a "consistent" amount or I can't always count on having a specific thing done by a certain date.

But the big thing is that I spend less time hating myself for not doing what I "should" be and more time actually doing things when I have the motivation for them. More shit happens, I'm undoing some of that self-loathing.

tl;dr: My advice for fellow adult ADHD-ers is:

Try to learn what your natural rhythms are and, where possible, try leaning into them. Without judgement, try working with your natural tendencies rather than battling them at every moment. See how it feels, see what you accomplish (and not just in the capitalistic "productivity" way--spending 3 hours hyperfocusing on researching the history of wheat germ counts!) See how your brain and body feel.

Your brain is wired different, let yourself operate different.

#adhd #add #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #adult adhd #adhd inattentive #adhd tips #adhd acceptance #original posts

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levyfiles · 25 days

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watcher love time: what’s your favourite thing about each of the founders?

What a sexually-attractive question, em; thanks for asking

Steven Lim: He's so resilient. His experiences socially have made him so that even his trauma responses to being bullied and pranked as a kid are compassionate and reflective. He is always endeavouring to be better than he was the year before. He is loyal beyond belief and honestly, if I had known more people whose faith guided them into kindness, acceptance and self-sacrifice the way it does for him, I'd have a whole different perspective on religious belief as a whole. He's also funny in a way you can't train into someone and I also like how he navigates social situations in the most relatable way. He makes PodWatcher the most fun for me.

Ryan Bergara: He's forever curious in a way that makes me believe youth in anyone can be preserved in the spirit. I don't know how to make it clear to the world that I might just let this man get away with murder. He probably would have a good reason idk lol but facetiousness aside, he's a damn hard worker. Like I find work ethic in a person to be such an attractive thing. His hyperfixations are unapologetic and it makes me genuinely respect him. He's beautiful both on the inside and out and his form of comedy is so unique that sometimes it's like a car crash I can't look away from. He aspires to do good by others and he has such a strong principled perspective on his relationships with his family, spouse and friends that he has what I truly believe, is a hero's heart. He's brave in a way that defies logic and all his pathological barriers.

Shane Madej: He aspires so much be kind that I can sometimes see how the effort paralyses him to be more proactive socially. His curiosity is only paralleled in Ryan but he has such a very visible love for the world, for humanity, for stories that I can understand why people find him charming and soothing and I can understand that that is the reason he doesn't mind spending a quarter of his career hunting for ghosts because it's more about the experience of traveling and being with friends and doing a job that brings joy to other people than it is about being right. He feels like someone you could trust with a secret whether low stakes or high. I like that he has a unique voice when he sings and he's leaned into it to the point where 30% of his career is now singing.

Thank you again for asking this, Em. It gave me a nice opportunity to detangle myself from my own threads of hurt and upset to remember the reason I'm here and why I have been since 2018.

#watcher #shane madej #ryan bergara #steven lim

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bakersimmer · 2 months

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Hanna: (hesitant) More than words... What do you mean by this?

Martin: (sighs) It starts with a long story... I'll try to give you a speedy summary. Matilda is my cousin. She came to live with me when her mother got into trouble, and I eventually adopted her.

Martin: Okay... so yesterday, Tilly said she hates me, and it's not even the first time. She just exaggerates, but I took it too seriously this time. Then, she pushed a few more buttons with her attitude. As a result, I told her I would take her back to her mother… Martin: I know more than well that going back to Harriet is what she fears the most in her life. I promised her a better life and that she would never have to deal with Harriet again, and then I said what I said. Honestly, I would never trust such a person again. So why should she? Martin: I lost her trust and will never get it back… (stops, turns to Hanna) Did I even answer your question, or am I just rambling?

Hanna: (softly) No, I got my answer. I want to say that everything will be fine, but that would be a lie. Martin: (nods) Hanna: Trust is delicate, like a mirror. Once it's broken, the cracks are always there. (thoughtful) Maybe words really aren't your strong point… But maybe actions are. Martin: What do my actions have to do with anything? Hanna: Well, you don't always have to say something. Actions can heal, too. Martin: So what do you suggest I do? Hanna: Be there for her. Consistently. Even when she says she hates you more than anything in the world. And be patient because nothing's going to change overnight.

Martin: Quite specific advice. Hanna: (shrugs) Martin: What's the story behind it? Hanna: Nothing worth telling. Martin: Then how do I know your advice will work? Hanna: You just have to trust me. Martin: Hmm...

Hanna: Would it help if I told you that you're already much closer to redemption than my father will ever be, and with my advice, your road will be shorter? Martin: Maybe. Hanna: Well, I already said it and don't plan to repeat myself.

previous / beginning / next

#MartinsESC #ts4 #ts4 story #ts4 storytelling #sims story #Martin Archer #Hanna Edwards #Escape23

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panandinpain0 · 9 months

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Could you write another Jasper Hale x ftm reader

Something angsty but it ends with fluff. For example: a bad dysphoria day?

YOU ARE DOING A REALLY GOOD JOB WITH YOUR STORIES!!!

Ruined

Honestly thank you so much for this <3

I've been really insecure about the quality of my writing lately so this makes me feel a lot better

Also, my current/longtime hyperfixation is showing (Star Wars)

@@@

Requested by: Anon

Jasper Hale x Trans!Male!Reader

---

God no, not today. Any day but today- (Y/N) could not be feeling like this on his one year anniversary with Jasper.

He knew Jasper wouldn't mind, he'd take good care of him until he was feeling better, or keep him company while he was feeling down. (Y/N) did the same for him if he was having a bad day or was feeling particularly insecure or guilty due to his past.

But Jasper had planned the most adorable picnic and (Y/N) knew he'd been spending a lot of time on his gift, but he wouldn't give away what it was. (Y/N) had made Jasper a quilt out of random materials, some bought from the fabric store and others being T-Shirts of their shared favorite band, or other things that meant a lot to them.

Everything had to be perfect, but as he brushed his teeth (Y/N) caught his reflection and knew it wasn't going to be.

Splashing his face with water, (Y/N) tried not to get visibly upset. Jasper could always tell how he was feeling, due to his powers, but also just from the way he looked. He tried to not be invasive with his powers, so he'd gotten good at being visually observant.

Taking in deep breaths, face dripping from the water, (Y/N) caught his reflection again.

And then he was crying.

Jasper was meant to be here any minute, and the second he got out of his car he would be able to hear the muffled sobs coming from the second floor bathroom- hell, maybe even sooner than that.

Not even a full minute had (Y/N) been crying before he heard gentle knocks on the bathroom door.

"(Y/N)? I let myself in, are you okay?" Jasper asked worriedly through the door. (Y/N) had given him a key to his house a couple of months ago- not that he needed one to get in, but as a symbol of his trust.

Sniffling and wiping under his eye, (Y/N) nodded, even if Jasper couldn't see him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." But his voice came out warbled, still thick with tears.

"Not to tell you how you feel, but you don't sound fine. Can I come in, so we can talk?"

(Y/N)'s breathing picked up again and he let out a quiet "yes"- so quiet that it wouldn't have been audible if not for Jasper's enhanced hearing.

Jasper crouched down in front of (Y/N)'s shaking form, hands coming to hold his upper arms gently.

"Hey, what's goin' on darlin'?" his accent came out thicker then it usually was, comforting (Y/N), who loved his accent.

"I fucked it up," (Y/N) cried to him, leaning forward to get closer to him. Jasper shifted to the wall next to (Y/N) and hugged him, running a soothing yet cold hand up and down his back.

"What did ya' fuck up?" he asked gently, rocking slowly to sooth the man next to him.

"Our anniversary. It was supposed to be perfect, but I-" he hiccupped- "I'm not feeling good about myself, and I-"

Jasper hummed comfortingly, still gently rocking from side to side.

"Honey, our anniversary isn't ruined, and definitely not by your doin'."

"But you planned all this stuff and our gifts-" (Y/N) stumbled out again, looking into Jasper's eyes with tears in his own.

"And all of that's grand, but any day with you is a perfect day, sweetheart. If our anniversary is spent right here on your bathroom floor while we work through how you're feeling, that's a perfect day in my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like seein' you upset." He wiped the tears from under (Y/N)'s eyes, that had slowly stopped flowing. "But if I get to hear you talk for hours I would never get tired of it." He cupped (Y/N)'s face.

(Y/N) let out a watery chuckle, his hands coming up to hold Jasper's wrists. "Are you sure? I was so excited for the picnic, but now I don't feel like leaving the house..."

"We have a lifetime to have a picnic, no use in forcing you to be uncomfortable when we could snuggle up in your bed and watch Star Wars?

As for the gifts, we don't have to be on a picnic to give them."

Jasper gently pulled (Y/N) up to stand, holding his hand as he led (Y/N) to his bed. A wrapped box sat on the blanket, seemingly tossed there in the panic to reassure his boyfriend.

"Open it." Jasper nodded to the package with his head.

Wiping some stray tears, (Y/N) sniffled and sat on the edge of the bed, unwrapping the box. Inside was a scrapbook.

(Y/N)'s eyes widened as he looked up at Jasper, who took a seat next to him on the bed.

"Is this what I think it is?" (Y/N) whispered with teary eyes, pulling out the book and opening it to the first page.

"If you think it's a scrapbook then yes," Jasper teased, putting his chin on (Y/N)'s shoulder as they went through it together.

Each page was covered in pictures of the two. Kissing, holding hands, their first date. They laughed at the memories and goofy pictures of them with their friends and family.

It was perfect.

When they reached the end there was a small handwritten note from Jasper.

"One year down, and hopefully many more to go,

Love you my sweet boy,

Jas."

(Y/N) laughed bashfully and turned his head to meet Jasper's lips with a kiss. Jasper's hand came to hold the back of (Y/N)'s head while (Y/N)'s hand cupped his jaw.

As they parted, they smiled at each other.

"This is amazing, Jas. Thank you so much," (Y/N) thanked his boyfriend genuinely.

"Anything for you, darlin'."

"Oh, I've got my gift too!" (Y/N) jumped up, placing his new favorite book in its spot on his bookshelf. Turning to his desk he reached under it and pulled out the folded quilt, a bow wrapped around it.

"You didn't," Jasper mumbled in amazement as he stood up and reached for the blanket. Taking off the bow and unfolding it, he laid it out on the bed and looked at each little detail.

"Do you like it?" (Y/N) asked hesitantly, second guessing everything.

"Do I like it?" Jasper repeated incredulously. "I love it!" He turned and swept (Y/N) into a hug, arms around his shoulders. (Y/N) laughed with relief and wrapped his arms around his waist.

They spent the rest of the day wrapped in Jasper's new quilt, having a Star Wars marathon.

And no, the day wasn't perfect.

But it was beautiful.

---

Yeehaw

-Author Max <3

#fanfiction #x reader #fluff #x he/him reader #x male!reader #twilight #twilight fandom #jasper hale #jasper hale x male!reader #jasper hale x reader #twilight x reader #twilight x male reader #twilight x male!reader #twilight masterlist #twilight fanfiction

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melloween-candie · 10 months

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I said NO! [P.P & F]

Storybrooke/ Childish Peter & Responsible Felix x Reader

Requested // Request Rules

"Not in Neverland, but if you lived with Pan and Felix in Storybrooke or something, I feel like Pan would let you buy whatever you wanted and Felix would have to like, stop you. And it makes me laugh"

A/n - Omg yesss. Lol, I can totally see that! Like if they were modern or in storybrooke, Peter would be like-

"Y/n can have EVERYTHING they want!"

And Felix would be the more reasonable and down to earth one saying stuff like.

"But Peter!! That's so expansive!" Or like "Okay, well, how are we going to pay for that?!"

It would be such a cute situation 😍😂 I might even end up making a cute little drabble about it... 🤔 I don't know; it's up to y'all if y'all want to see it.

Asked by @emmaloo21

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n - Welp, I guess you guys are seeing it! Hope it's okay that I made this into a polyfic. I wasn't really sure who you wanted me to ship on this one. But yeah, it's just a drabble~ hope you enjoy it!

Warning! Mentions of tantrums? Literally there's barely anything bad on here lol

Word Count: 764

[Drabble Fic]

Once Upon A Time Masterlist

Fandom Masterlists

/"Talking"//Thinking//Muttering-Whispering/

***Y/n's Pov***

Life has been a little chaotic ever since Peter and Felix arrived here in Storybrooke. Long story short, we managed to find a happy ever after for all of us.

Lucky for Peter, Regina and Emma allowed him to come with the help of Henry, convincing them, of course.

Now you might be wondering... Why in the world would Peter Pan want to leave Neverland? Well, he didn't. But I wanted to know he's here with me and Felix.

Oh, and by the way, we're all dating... Or at least I'm dating Peter and Felix. They aren't really dating each other since, well, they say they don't swing that way, but anything is better as long as I can love them both equally~!

Time skip!~

A good amount of time has passed since that incident, and people around here are starting to trust us. Which is a good thing since now we won't get a lot of death glares, and we can actually talk to Henry without anyone staring at us.

It felt great being able to just be a part of something, and the lost boys seemed to like their new environment, too. Some of them even have jobs!

Which reminds me of our struggles... Since Peter was the one behind all that havoc, it's kind of hard for him to get one... And besides that, he hasn't even put in a lot of effort into trying.

He'd always say stuff like, "Jobs are for old people. It sucks the life out of everyone!"

Meanwhile, Felix got a job super-fast. Which isn't much of a surprise since he's the responsible one in this relationship... Though, don't tell Peter I said that, or he'll throw a fit.

Anyway, I got a job, too, but it barely pays. I work here at Grannies as a busser. All I do is clean tables and dishes. It isn't hard since we don't get a lot of customers at once, but it's decent.

However, the pay isn't the greatest. It's fine for one person, but I'm with two others... So, we mainly have to rely on Felix's income.

He works as a construction worker, and he barely gets any time off... Especially the giant incident. Tiny literally destroyed half the town. It was a great pay, though.

Anyways, enough of that! Me, Felix, and Peter are currently heading to the grocery store to buy some food for the week.

Felix always hated shopping for food. But I know that's not true. He only hated it when me and Peter tagged along because we'd always add more than what was planned in the cart.

Felix would end up telling us no and to put it back, and Peter would say no to his demand every time, and those two would end up fighting about it all the way home.

It's honestly annoying. If I had enough money, I'd just buy groceries myself...

Anyways, it isn't all that bad. There'll be times when Peter and I would agree into getting something, and we'd pled Felix into buying it for us... That usually works surprisingly well.

Or times when Peter and Felix would agree into buying something, and they'd take it home to show me. Usually, it would turn out to be a gift they think I'd like or food they know I like. I love it when they do it for no reason. It always warms my heart knowing they both agreed to get it just for me~

Overall, life was great. Peter gets along with children surprisingly well. And they end up loving him too; meanwhile, they'd always avoid Felix at all costs. It was pretty funny.

Felix would always have to be the bad guy and pull Peter away from his fun. But that's how it always was. If Peter gets too ahead of himself or starts to think like he owns the place- Felix would always be there to slap some sense into him. And my part- well, my role is to help calm Peter down after he gets slaps.

His 'tantrums' are no joke people. Especially when he's trying his hardest to behave for me. After all, he didn't want this, but I'm sure deep down he actually enjoys it, and I know Felix does too.

He'd always smile for the strangest things... Like every time he finds a word for his crossword puzzle or when he finishes organizing something...

Overall, these two balance each other well, and I'm the glue to this whole ordeal! I wouldn't want it any other way, either~!

#once upon a time #ouat felix #ouat peter pan #ouat peter pan x reader #peter pan x reader #ouat felix x reader #poly relationship #peter pan x reader x felix #fanfiction #once upon a time fandom #fanfic #fluff #good cop bad cop

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eldritch-nightmare · 8 months

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Mk, so, how about Liu, and any other characters of your choice with an S/O who has selective-mutism, but one day they just randomly decide to say something, but it’s in a completely different language. Idk where I got the idea from.

a/n: i saw liu's name and i couldn't restrain myself. i'm monolingual so i had to use various translation sites so if these are incorrect then i am so sorry. nd i opted to just have the reader randomly say 'i love you' because that seemed like an easy phrase to not butcher. except for liu. with what i wrote, i did have to give a full phrase other than 'i love you' and i put it through multiple translation sites so uhm fingers crossed that it's accurate uhm if you speak danish and it isn't then first off i am so sorry and second off can you please tell me what the actual translation is anyways this is a long note sorry fdhjfh hope you enjoy!!

with a selectively mute s/o that speaks in a different language.

includes: homicidal liu, the doll maker, nurse ann, and clockwork.

warnings: gn reader, it's honestly mostly just sappy, liu downplays a stab wound but that's really it.

HOMICIDAL LIU.

Liu doesn't really think about your selective mutism. You'll talk to him whenever you're comfortable, and if that's never then that's fine with him. All he cares about is your comfort.

Besides, if you ask him, he does enough talking for the both of you. At least... he thinks he talks a lot. It definitely feels like it. And who knows, he probably just teaches you morse code so you two can communicate like that.

And little did either of you know, today was the day you'd speak to him for the first time. And not for good reason, sadly. You see, Liu... isn't necessarily a careful person when it comes to his own safety.

So he may or may not have gotten hurt. But it's not like it's a life-threatening injury or anything like that! Besides, he's taught himself how to treat minor wounds like this. Really, it isn't that big of a deal.

You think otherwise, because, uh, he was fucking stabbed. Who the hell considers a stab wound a 'minor' injury?!

So when you saw him cleaning and stitching up a stab wound, this obviously led to some bickering between the two of you. Liu is telling you that he's okay, while you're aggressively telling him via morse code that he's been stabbed and that he needs to get professional medical attention. But Liu was fine. He's gone through way worse than this, so you really don't have to worry.

But him saying that just leads to you throwing up your hands in frustration as you say, "Dammit, kan du ikke se, at jeg er bekymret, fordi jeg elsker dig?!"

And... well... Liu doesn't really know what you just said but he feels really bad knowing that this is what made you speak to him for the first time.

He'll sigh and apologize for not taking his injuries seriously, and he promises to get professional help rather than just treating it himself. He... is legally classified as dead, so he can't go to a hospital but... I mean... he knows a guy who was studying medicine. And a very suspicious doctor.

THE DOLL MAKER.

Vine's native tongue is Russian, so more often than not he'll mutter to himself in his mother tongue rather than any other language.

He doesn't really care if you speak or not, mostly because he feels more comfortable in the silence. He's not the best at holding conversations.

He was busy making a doll with non-human parts this time around. And you were roaming around his little workshop, inspecting all his half-finished projects and sketches of future dolls he planned on making.

Vine trusts you to be around his work, so he's not worried about you accidentally making a mess or breaking anything but he does find himself feeling a little nervous.

Dollmaking is his passion, it's something he loves doing. And he loves you as well and values your opinion more than anyone else's. What if you think he's not doing a good job? What if you think he could make something better?

You've never given him the impression that you dislike dolls or find his creations and passion to be 'childish' but it's still a thought that lingers in his mind nonetheless. Thoughts like this constantly plague his mind.

But when he glances away from the doll he's working on to see you gently straightening out the dress of another one that's on display, a small smile gracing your lips as you admire his creation...

"Я тебя люблю." The words just sorta slipped out of his mouth, and it took him a moment before he went to repeat what he said in English but you spoke before he could even open his mouth.

"Я тебя тоже люблю." And oh. That's the first time he's ever heard you speak, he thinks.

NURSE ANN.

She too is selectively mute, though she doesn't speak because it physically hurts to more often than not, and also... she sees no real reason to talk, to be honest.

You two probably communicate via sign language or writing, though she'll quietly whisper to you if she has to.

Ann doesn't care if you talk or not. She gets it, even if you two have vastly different reasons for your selective mutism.

She's not going to have that big a reaction when you do talk, though she will tilt her head to the side a bit when you speak in an entirely different language.

It'll probably happen while the two of you are spending time together in silence, Ann doing her own thing while you're sitting nearby.

She was caught up in her own little task, mind empty. She was vaguely aware of your gaze on her, but she only really came back to reality when she heard you sigh and softly murmur to yourself.

"Ich liebe dich."

She blinks, taking a moment to process your words. She... doesn't understand German, but the way you softly spoke the words, and the way you were looking at her with such fondness... well, she had a vague idea of what you said.

And very quietly, she whispers back, "Love you too."

CLOCKWORK.

Natalie seems like the type of person who wants to learn a new language, and even begins starting to, but her motivation for it just evaporates two days after starting and she stops trying to learn. And it's just a cycle that rinses, washes, and repeats itself.

Anyways, she overthinks a lot and needs constant reassurance more than she would like, so at the beginning of your relationship, communication was probably a little rocky.

But you guys manage to come up with other ways to communicate rather than vocally.

She'll catch herself wondering what your voice sounds like, and she'll sometimes wonder if you'll ever feel comfortable enough around her to speak but she doesn't push you to talk.

She understands, trust me.

But she's definitely surprised when you wake her up from her nap just to look her in the eye and bluntly say, "Anh yêu em." and you don't even give her a chance to process it before you walk away.

She's just baffled and confused. What the hell did you just say to her? You just spoke. What the hell did you say? Is she dreaming? She feels awake. She's definitely awake.

Natalie has to dig around for her phone to try and search for the translation of what you said, and it takes her a few tries before she finally manages to type it out correctly. She definitely buries her face in a pillow when she reads the translation. And she ends up falling back asleep.

It's only when she wakes up again that she'll go and find you. She'll wrap her arms around your waist and rest her forehead on your shoulder before placing a gentle kiss there and tiredly murmuring, "I love you too."

#anon #homicidal liu x reader #the doll maker x reader #nurse ann x reader #clockwork x reader #creepypasta x reader #homicidal liu x you #the doll maker x you #nurse ann x you #clockwork x you #creepypasta x you

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lesvegas · 10 months

Text

FNV Quest Mods That Don't Suck

I know I've made modlists before but talk of DLC-sized mods made me want to make another. Big, DLC-sized quest mods are nine times outta ten messy, poorly-made and poorly-written, feel like they should've been fo3 mods, or have numerous other qualities that are detestable to normal people with taste. I've played most of the popular ones and hate nearly all of them. Here are the ones I actually can recommend.

Note: I also highly recommend having a proper modding setup before installing any of these. Everyone and their mother has already recommended the Viva New Vegas guide before because it works and it's beginner-friendly.

Allow me to spare your dash by putting this list under a cut.

"DLC-sized" Quest Mods

Boom to the Moon - A quest where you go to the moon (yes, really) to find out what happened to a man's wife. I promise it's way better than I could possibly describe. Honestly I recommend almost all of Jokerine's mods for her attention to detail and all the cool shit she makes. This quest mod doesn't even end with the moon trip, you'll also get the best-written mod companion I've ever seen. Seriously please give this one a try if nothing else on this list.

Autumn Leaves - A murder mystery in an archival library vault inhabited by Protectrons. Story so good Bethesda stole it to make a fo4 DLC. No combat, no need for weapons or companions. WARNING: if you suck at navigating vaults like I do you may have a bad time finding stuff (there's a walkthrough in the files). Also some of the lines are a bit odd because the author's first language isn't English. Also one character is a bigot in every way possible because he's intentionally designed to be as punchable as possible. Despite all of this it's still easily one of the best quest mods I've ever experienced.

Unfortunately, making quest mods DLC-sized in general leaves ample opportunity for shit to get messy fast, so honestly your best bet for quest mods is smaller scale, vanilla-feeling mods. So while I highly recommend the above mods, I'd recommend the following ones even more for a more seamless experience.

"Vanilla-feeling" Quest Mods

The Collector - A quest given by a broker in which you collect debts from gamblers. Similar to the Atomic Wrangler quest Debt Collector.

Caravan Tournament - Do you suck at Caravan? Skill issue. Play this anyway and tell me how it feels to lose because I'm sure it's just as interesting as winning but I'm too good at Caravan to to see it for myself. If you get good you get to see a tiny Robobrain wearing a hat.

Working On The Chain Gang - A Powder Ganger Quest Mod - Okay, technically this makes a second faction of Powder Gangers that aren't affected by your reputation with the vanilla Powder Gangers (so yes, even if they hate you, you can experience this mod). These new Powder Gangers reorganize themselves into a legitimate faction that blends seamlessly into the Mojave NPC ecosystem.

The Moon Comes Over the Tower - This one is technically cut content, but that just means it's peak vanilla-feel. Restores the rest of the quest where Emily Ortal asks you to bug Mr. House's network in which you actually have to travel to places to do it.

Okay, these ones are silly, but trust me

Among Us But It's Fallout - It's a vault with a murder mystery you get to solve! Memes aside it's honestly really well done and you should try it.

The Hollander Hotel and Casino - For a quest involving a haunted hotel (no jumpscares, don't worry), this one feels a little goofy at times, especially with The Shining references and the guy outside selling nothing but 500 bottles of Sunset Sarsaparilla. But you should give it a try anyway.

Legion Quests

Haven't done a Legion run not because you don't like being a bad guy, but because the Legion route feels lacking? Try some of these.

Legion Quests Expanded - Adds more Legion quests and expands several vanilla quests.

A Golden Opportunity - Legion El Dorado Quest - A quest where the Legion goes in and shuts down the NCR's El Dorado station.

Five Card Ante - A Legion Quest Mod - A quest parallel to Three Card Bounty in which you get to eliminate the NCR's First Recon.

Yes I Would Actually - A Legion Quest Mod - You know how Bitter Springs has three quests you can do for the NCR? Well, now you can do them for the Legion instead. You can even recruit help from the Great Khans to fuck the NCR's shit up.

#fnv #fonv #fnv quests #fnv mods #fnv modlist

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 year

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Dazai Likes People

Ok. So this is probably not the analysis you think it is. I'm not going to talk Dazai's dynamics with specific characters - I think that's better suited to personal interpretation and I've kind of already gone over my thoughts on Dazai's close relationships starting with this analysis here.

Instead, this is more about Dazai's thoughts on human beings in general, which, admittedly, can be a little hard to parse. There's a variety of thoughts on this amongst the fandom, ranging from the one extreme of "he loves people" to the other "he doesn't care at all".

This is merely my own thoughts on the matter. I don't know if this fully counts as an analysis, but I hope it at least sparks some discussion or helps piece some things together.

As you might've gathered from the title, I lean towards the idea that he likes people. There's always been things he's liked about people, as a matter of fact, but I think the nature of what he likes about them has changed across his development.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that Dazai's development as a character is, rather than a behavioural shift, instead based on his changing perception of human nature, and the value found in human connection. His methods are largely similar, however, the thought behind them and the direction they're given is different.

I'm going to be jumping around a bit with the timeline, so here's the core ideas in advance just so it's easier to follow.

Belief #1: "People are stronger in groups than individually." This has not changed across his character arc.

Belief #2: "There is a divide between myself and humanity that cannot be broached." to "Some of that divide may not be as wide as it seems." This development is still ongoing and key to his overall character conflict.

Belief #3: "Attachment is an incomprehensible motivator." to "Attachment is a reliable human drive." Take a close look at how his plans change as he ages.

Belief #4: "People just can't stop killing each other." to "There is beauty in the fighting human spirit." This one is a bit more conjecture based on hints in the story, but I think it holds some weight.

Belief #1: Groups over Individuals

This point requires very little explanation. If you look at the intro to the DHC conflict, linked here, you’ll find that he actually says it outright.

"What's more, you underestimated the power found in organizations. Humans are stronger in groups than they are as individuals. That's just the undeniable truth, Mr. One Man Army."

Again, in Stormbringer, Dazai confidently says the following:

"This is how the world works. It's an absolute truth no matter when or where you go. Groups are stronger than individuals...There's strength in numbers."

This is a canonical belief of his that he holds very strongly to, and at a young age at that. This is a primarily logical value to place on others. It's interesting though, because it goes beyond just "strength in numbers".

His further dialogue in the DHC prologue has him go on to respond to Shibusawa asking if the reason he joined the Mafia had to do with the strength in a group affirmatively. It ties in quite interestingly with what he tells Odasaku in The Day I Picked Up Dazai as the reason he should consider joining the Mafia, and Oda's own thoughts on the organization.

If one of their members is attacked by an outsider, they will turn into a row of fangs and bite the enemies.

"If you join, you will no longer be bothered by anything from your past. Because no past can touch that place."

He's said to speak with some pride about the organization in this scene. It's not just about strength. It's about safety. It's about knowing someone has your back. It is, ultimately, about trust.

So, really, it's no wonder that Dazai thrives in, and is honestly at his best, when working in partnerships.

The comfort in partnerships appears to have come rather quickly to Dazai in Fifteen; he works seamlessly with Chuuya after only a few minutes planning and is much more "alive" than in the previous scenes. We see a similar level of confidence, even unusually brazen cockiness, when working with him again in chapter 31. Dazai also works fluidly and has incredible faith in Kunikida, which explains their flawless teamwork in Entrance Exam.

He appears to be at his most confident when he is working with someone else. Look at these facial expressions.

So, it's no surprise that his response to crafting a way to protect Yokohama... is to create another partnership - this time between Atsushi and Akutagawa. And it's clearly not just for ability complements, but also some kind of genuine belief they have what it takes to support each other, if Chapter 84 and Beast are any indication.

It's about trust, in your partner and in your group. It always has been.

Belief #2: The Divide from Humanity

This divide comprises much of the fundamental core and conflict of Dazai's character - his disconnect and alienation from "humanity".

Again, this is not something I really have to defend - this becomes readily apparent to anyone who is the least bit familiar with the author's actual work, No Longer Human, from a cursory read through the manga, and is really quite obvious in the light novels, especially Dark Era, Fifteen and Stormbringer. As of now, it's still an ongoing aspect to his character, and if Oda's words are to be believed, he will likely always struggle with this disconnect to some extent.

However, there's a difference in how this aspect manifests in his dynamics with others across time.

Initially, it is a little like Dazai is unclear on how he differs from others; he only knows that he does in some way. He responds to Mori asking him why he wants to die with genuinely innocent confusion on why one would find worth in living, and responds to Chuuya stopping him from shooting the body with surprise and a simple admittance that not doing such a thing would be the "normal" way to think, before laughing it off.

By Stormbringer and Dark Era, Dazai is all too aware of what is "different" about him - that is, his apparent inability to connect with others in a meaningful way. However, I need to stress that this distance is also at least partially self-imposed. Dazai has internalized his differences from others, his lack of humanity, and decided to put up a front of being some inhuman mafia monster. Think "I am a man hated by righteousness" before repeatedly firing at Akutagawa.

Even with this initial uncertainty, there's one thing he's been quite clear on as different since the beginning: his high intellect, and he wields it like a weapon, appearing somewhat proud of at least this aspect of his distance from others. He's almost cocky about it, complains of boredom, and usually becomes interested in people when they sidestep or outright defy his predictions. It's something we see quite a lot of in his Mafia days and also a little in Entrance Exam. While he appears to grow more attached to people who live their lives in the midst of seeming meaninglessness than those who observe from the sidelines the way he does, he also comes off a bit envious in the same respect, especially when younger.

In some way, I wonder if this doesn't mirror Mykola's envy of those who "don't know they're stuck in a cage", in that sort of ‘how do people not see what I see’ kind of way, or 'if they do, then how can they deal with it'. Dazai’s intellect is rather like a double-edged sword - while it allows him a distinct advantage in prediction he enjoys, it’s likely also a strong contributor to his loneliness and separation from others, much like Ranpo. However, while Ranpo externalized his issues and thought there was something wrong with everyone else, Dazai internalized his and believed there was something wrong with him, which unfortunately caused him to isolate himself even further, rather as a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding the next point.

Dazai is a bit odd about his perceived inhumanity, because on one hand, he wields it when necessary much like his intellect, but on the other, he is almost dismayed by any reminders of his differences from "normal" people, even a bit hurt. A prime example of this is in the Dead Apple prologue, at Chuuya's "no one would believe that" line, but can also be found to a lesser extent in certain interactions in Fifteen, Dark Era, and Stormbringer. A lot of the complexity in Dazai's character comes from this juxtaposition - the mental superiority vs the human inferiority. So, he feels isolated in two ways: one is intellectually, which he tends to see as an advantage, and two is a bit harder to narrow down, but roughly has to do with the nature of the human self and its connections, for which he feels lacking.

Interestingly, Dazai seems to regard people with similarities to himself as threatening, and even gets uncharacteristically direct about how he is going to stop/kill them (Fyodor, Q). An interesting case occurs in Entrance Exam. Entrance Exam is really valuable for looking at Dazai's character because it is very much a transitory period for him, and there is one part in particular close to the end that gives me chills, both in the action and the implications of the action.

I am, of course, talking about the part where Dazai arranges Sasaki's death.

I'm going to expand on this later on once I do my analysis focusing on Sasaki herself, but her and Dazai have some pretty notable similarities between them that I heavily believe Dazai was aware of close to the end. For now, the most important similarity is the way they manipulate others - Sasaki's selective distribution of and often misleading info created situations that encouraged most of the people she contacted to act entirely on their own accord but also in the exact way she intended, without her having to do anything herself. This is quite eerily similar to the way Dazai tends to operate (though I'd say in his case with a bit more finesse that comes from Mori's strategic training).

And Dazai... he arranges her death using this same method. He kicks the gun, Rokuzou picks it up and shoots her out of revenge - and Dazai didn't have to do a single thing.

"She killed too many people."

So have you.

"That was the only way to save her. This was the best we could've hoped for."

........

I think I'll just leave it at that. There's a lot more to this complicated situation that deserves a thorough analysis of it's own, but I do think that the only means in his mind to save an empty, apathetic person who was responsible for too many deaths was to kill her says quite a bit about his mentality at that point.

But that appears to be changing.

I loved that Asagiri confirmed that Dazai's words to Kyouka in Chapters 34 to 36 are genuine. He's being probably as close to honest as we've ever seen. And we know this, because who shows up?

Why hello, Odasaku silhouette. Dazai knows full well how similar Kyouka and Odasaku are - their situations, even their dispositions, I'd say, and the way the both of them seem to unwittingly trigger character development in the people around them lol. But there's more to it than just that.

"Every person has their good and bad points, and your bad point happens to be killing. That's why you think you can't become an Agency member. That's just stupid."

"No one can know everything. That's what possibility is."

"You are not the only person with this kind of distress."

"Why do we fight? How should we live on? There is no one who can tell you the answer. All we have is our right to waver."

None of this is something I'd expect Mafia Dazai, or even Entrance Exam Dazai to say. This is someone who, from my perspective, has the barest, slightest will to live on.

"No one can know everything." In spite of his intelligence, in spite of his eerily accurate predictions, this admittance means that his perception of that intellectual distance is likely somewhat decreasing. He's still on a tier far above most other people... but he's closer to them than he is to a god. He cannot know everything.

It's similar to what he tells Sigma in Chapter 105.

"It's all a play of hands. I'm not a superhuman beyond the limits of human wisdom."

The emotional gap may also be closing a little. I think fondly of Dazai's dry "Don't you have any friends?" to Shibusawa in Dead Apple, then following up Shibusawa's dramatic 'I understand everyone so much that everyone bores me but don't understand myself' spiel with "You wouldn't be saying that if you had friends." Dazai really said friendless behaviour, pfft.

There's also his "I wonder how Kunikida-kun is doing~!" in the prison and his internal (and I thought oddly fond) comparison of Sigma to Atsushi.

Still, though, there is a significant gap in the way he removes himself from other people. Even as Dazai affirms his belief that it is the people who fight through uncertainty and live and breathe within it that create the greatest change, he still excludes himself from that category, placing himself, alongside Fyodor, above all others yet paradoxically inferior in the ability to enact real influence, sitting alone in a prison at the end of the world.

Belief #3: Attachment as a Motive

"I see... so it's all for your partner. Betraying the Mafia, spreading rumours about the old boss's resurrection, this fight we're in now... it's kind of hard to believe, to be honest."

Dazai, in his earliest appearances, seems to underestimate the drastic lengths people will go to in the name of the people they care about. The above line to Rimbaud, after he reveals he did all that he did to find out what happened to Verlaine, indicates that while he does understand bonds between others, he fails to grasp how that could be so incredibly motivating - whereas by contrast, Chuuya understands it instantly.

In fact, earlier in Fifteen, Chuuya's assistance is assured by Mori's capture of the Sheep members, which prevents Chuuya from harming anyone - Mori weaponizes this attachment and responsibility Chuuya has to great effect, and points it out to a bemused Dazai, who doesn't... really care. Dazai seems much more intrigued by the growing strife between the Sheep and their leader, and amusedly pinpoints Chuuya as a "sheep getting stared down by a wolf", before intentionally ramping up the tension. Dazai weaponized the cracks that were already showing between them, and while he seems to have started to acknowledge the importance of attachment as a powerful motivator, unlike Chuuya who sees it as honourable, Dazai at this point seems to regard it as a weakness to be exploited.

While Dazai absolutely shows budding signs of attachment himself in Fifteen and Stormbringer, it's nowhere near enough for it to be a key motivator of his own. He runs on logic. His plans are practical, precise and take no chances; a logical strategist much like Mori.

But that all changes with Odasaku. Odasaku's impact on Dazai was undeniably the strongest motivator for change he's had, but I want to talk a little about Dazai's side of things, and his unusual devotion towards his friend. For as much as Dazai is evasive, incredibly concerning, and apparently added some kind of stimulant to a dish he made for the trio without telling them (!?? bro.), when it comes down to it and things get serious, Dazai is, surprisingly enough, an objectively good friend to Odasaku. He gets panicked when he realizes Odasaku happened on Shibusawa during the DHC. He tells him immediately he doesn't need to use the Silver Oracle to ask for his help. He apologizes for killing the snipers in front of him because he knows Odasaku doesn't like killing (even if, at this point, he doesn't know why he holds this philosophy). He arranges for the kids to be hidden in a safe location once it becomes obvious Gide is targeting Odasaku. He tries to convince Odasaku he can find a reason to live, even though he doesn't, at that point, have one himself. He runs to him at the end, even when it is pointless, even when it is not logical, all because that's his friend. And this isn't even touching Beast Dazai, who wasn't even friends with the guy but saw that another him was, and decided he would do everything he did to protect that one person's dream (thereby missing what Odasaku wanted for him, which also, incidentally, was for his friend to live on, but I digress). Dazai is a surprisingly incredibly devoted friend to him. This guy experienced close friendship and it completely changed his perspective, because he'd never had anything like that before. Connection and understanding are extremely powerful motivators. He knows this now. It's in everything he does. The person is gone, but the bond remains, and it drives him to this day.

It's also important to point out that while we haven't seen the turning point in Double Black's dynamic where they went from uneasy partnership to that intense trust, Chuuya is the poster boy for attachment as a ridiculously strong motive for living. His decision to risk everything for the sake of those he has sworn to protect means that Chuuya is reliable. So, suddenly, Dazai doesn't need to make such stringent plans with him - they can be more loose about it, yet still perfectly in sync. "Chuuya is a reliable partner" is not an opinion to Dazai, it's a fact. Attachment as strength, not weakness. I feel reasonably confident in saying he likely learned this first from Chuuya. It gives him the power to persevere through the pain. It's not always fragile. It can be relied on. Chuuya struggles through his life and finds purpose in his bonds with others, and Dazai, both envious and admiring, picks up that he can utilize this in his plans.

Dazai making plans in the Agency is a little different to how he makes them in the Mafia. While there is still hefty reliance on logic and trickery, there's now an extra caveat of social and moral expectation. Dazai makes plans, knowing that people will carry them out because of the kind of people they are. He's making character judgements, not purely logical ones.

While Mori and Fyodor are also capable of much the same, it's rather unlike their methods, as they use attachment, often by leveraging it. Dazai can and does do this too, but notably, Dazai's allies are also regularly left to act in accordance to what they believe to be right without much direct interference - Dazai uses but also relies on this attachment to people and morality. It's odd, because in a sense, it's both an accurate logical prediction and a form of trust. Many of his plans in the present involve people doing what they would have done anyways given their character, but in a narrowed scope that comes from Dazai's influencing of them and the situation. He knows Ranpo will take charge when the Agency is threatened. He knows Atsushi will risk it all for his friends and family and people who remind him of his younger self. He knows Kunikida will never accept lives being lost if there is something he can do about it. He, highly unfortunately, knows Akutagawa will do anything to gain the recognition he seeks.

It's odd, because while undoubtedly still a manipulative tactic, he also has to know, for certain, that these people will act on their morals, drives, and bonds, otherwise it quite literally would not work. Is it manipulation? Is it trust? I lean towards both. Whatever the case may be, it is clear that Dazai finds at least some value in attachment (even if he, again, still largely detaches himself from pure expressions of this kind of motive - Odasaku was the major exception).

When Fyodor says people are sinful and can't help killing each other even when they know they're being manipulated to it and Dazai replies with yes, and? "What's so wrong with that?"

The way Chuuya wins against Verlaine, because he cared for people and Verlaine, in spite of everything, had at least one person he didn't want to let die. The way Gab might not have met such a tragic end if he'd had the chance to connect the way Atsushi had. The way the isolated Sigma ultimately falls, and Tachihara finds new purpose and drive from his conflicting bonds that should've weakened him but instead gave him conviction.

Attachment can be a foolish thing. It can be logically irrational, and in certain cases leaves one vulnerable, but it's not inherently a weakness. It can also be the source of incredible strength and perseverance. Human connection is the beating, bleeding heart of this series. The Agency barely took a breath after being framed before they were preparing to hold their own and prove their innocence - because the Agency meant something more to them than just a workplace. It's their place to belong. They rally to protect it and each other, just as Dazai knew they would, and he, too, is taking great risks to protect it.

Which brings me to the last point.

Belief #4: Beauty in the Fight

Fyodor and Dazai are foil characters - they are intellectual equals, and their methods of thinking and planning tend to be very similar. However, motivation-wise, they are very different - Fyodor says things like the above, clearly with a low opinion on most others. While Dazai agrees with the statement, he disagrees with the sentiment.

"What's so wrong with that?"

But I'll be honest: I don't think he always felt that way. In fact, I suspect he used to feel similarly to Fyodor when he was younger.

In Fifteen, Dazai describes the situation with the Sheep as similar to the "Undercooked Meat Theory" to Rimbaud, which acts as an analogy for violence - everyone wants to eat more of the meat, so one takes it earlier to get more than everyone else, then another takes it even earlier to get more than that guy, and so on and so forth until they are all eating undercooked meat. Here are some key points from that conversation:

Dazai: "If one person stops, he alone will end up with less meat than the other two. Therefore, each of them is trapped, forced to eat the undercooked meat and nothing else, even though all three know that perfectly cooked meat tastes much better."

Dazai: "It explains at least half the misery in the entire world."

Rimbaud: "I see... in other words, since everyone pursued what was best for them, they couldn't achieve what was best for the group..."

Rimbaud: "Violence and war are not necessary for survival... if everyone agreed to stop fighting and banned all weapons - then violence would be no more. But that isn't realistic. No matter what, someone will break the rules to get ahead of the rest... everyone else... would have to maintain their stance on fighting back only when provoked."

Although Dazai expresses his interest in the criminal underworld as a "thrill", there's cause to believe this dog-eat-dog world is something that Dazai himself personally does not like. After all, shortly afterwards, when Chuuya crashes onto the scene and proclaims that "the strongest always win", Dazai disgustedly says,

"It's people like you who turn the world into undercooked meat."

In a way, it almost reminds me a bit of what Teruko proclaims about what a rubbish society it would be if those with the strongest violence always ended up on top. That's her purpose, as a Hunting Dog - to use violence to stop criminals - but violence to maintain order is still violence. Violence begets violence, but you can't just not defend yourself in a world that wants to hurt you. And so the world goes round, and people still kill each other, often quite needlessly.

It seems both Fyodor and Dazai shared the mentality that people are all the same, self-centered and out to protect themselves at the cost of others; sinful, boring beings. Except Fyodor, a more proactive person, decided he was going to try and fix the problem. Dazai, prone to inaction, did not... and saw nothing interesting in the world worth living for.

"It explains at least half the misery in the world." I wonder, does it explain some of Dazai's misery too? He appears to be drawn to the Mafia, not because of the violence in itself, but because of the honesty with which it is approached. You know what you're getting, with organized crime - there's going to be crime, and death, and murder. The proximity to death is a removal of the veil of social acceptability; the mask over the world - Dazai is hoping that by getting closer to the cruel world's "reality", he'll be able to find that something that the people around him would kill for in order to live.

Unlike Fyodor though, who still sees people as boring for their foolishness, Dazai apparently seems to find them interesting by this point. What changed?

It's worth noting that even though Dazai genuinely thought Chuuya was just an arrogant, violent kid before the confrontation with Rimbaud, in an earlier fight scene, Dazai goes breathless at Chuuya's battle prowess. That sheer display of life and energy and raw destruction is something captivating to him. And that's interesting, because that fight there was one he had just previously been deriding Chuuya for starting - it was pointless violence, to him - and yet, he can't help but watch.

So, when the Arahabaki reveal happens and Dazai suddenly realizes he'd been mistaken about Chuuya, it triggers a shift. Chuuya wasn't looking for power. Chuuya was looking for himself.

In Fifteen, Dazai is intrigued by Chuuya's situation. In Stormbringer, Dazai is invested in Chuuya's story.

Once again, Dazai watches Chuuya fight as he relinquishes control to use the full power of Corruption, carefully watching the progression of it all. When Chuuya turns fallen angel, Dazai says to himself, "That's Arahabaki's - that's Chuuya's true form." This incredible show of strength is not just the result of a raw power. This is the will of a human who has something worth fighting for. Chuuya is not a blank vessel for Arahabaki. Arahabaki is Chuuya's to wield. This is all Chuuya, through and through.

Chuuya, caught in the act of dying, in a last-ditch play that could easily be a self-sacrificial one, surrounded by death and destruction, is nonetheless fighting with all the life within him to defend the lives of his people, with the symbol of his stubborn will to survive (that is, Arahabaki, the singularity that should've killed him) on full wrath and display. To the death-obsessed kid who wanted a reason to live, who did not see why people would fight so hard to live on, such a sight would be breathtaking.

Dazai is drawn to the people who struggle through hardship, and the ones who rebel in the name of valuing life. He becomes interested in Ango when he finds the reports he made on the DHC dead, that he made to preserve their lives even without Mori's permission. Dazai does not want to compromise Odasaku's morals, and is deeply fascinated by the juxtaposition of his Mafia status and his no killing rule, though he doesn't pry for the reason. With Kunikida, much as Dazai does not care much for ideals, he sees how Kunikida keeps on pushing through against every setback and horribly cruel reality check, and I honestly think he respects that.

Then there's this bit when Atsushi has just succeeded in getting Q's doll safely to Dazai after the curse on Yokohama.

"It was your spirit that emerged victorious."

He likes it when people succeed. He wants to see people triumph, against all odds.

I find it fascinating because Dazai becomes most invested in the aspects of the characters that we tend to get invested in - we, the readers, which makes a lot of sense given his consistent observer status. The story is never actively about Dazai, but he's always there, watching others' stories unfold, growing fascinated with the struggles they face and the development they undergo, and feeling pride and admiration when they learn to overcome.

But the tragedy in Dark Era in part was a vicious reminder that the story impacts him too, no matter how much he tries to detach himself - to become invested and connected is to open yourself up to the inevitability of getting hurt. But it's also in this struggle to find balance that we are open to make change, and to live.

Fighting to save a life - even and especially when that life is just your own - there is beauty to be found in that fight.

#hi hello here is the meta i said i'd write two months ago ✨#i hope it is coherent. i really need to stop writing these at 3 am.#bsd #bsd meta #bsd analysis #<-i guess lol #bsd dazai #storyrambles

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generalpalacefishgoop · 5 months

Text

Interesting Richarlyson, Pomme, and qBad lore lines regarding qForever and/or @v@ or others (23 Dec 2023)

(not full transcript, just some i thought were interesting, also I'm not changing their typos on their signs n such)

with qPhil and qBad:

Richas :"Dad DID took a medicine but NOT this one" (Happy Pills)

Richas :"Tio Phil 0_0 it IS a medicine but…it is not taking effect. I knew it but, well, the only thing I can do is try to…ask help for someone but who knows where they are."

Richas :"Don't worry tios 0_0 killing him does nothing cause it won't do much now. If anything happen, it will be to me sO DON'T WORRY >:D WE CAN FIX HIM"

with qBad: after sending Pomme away for a moment:

Richas :"so they spoke about bad forever right? Take care of Pom and Dapper tio, I will take care of him dad is far gone, don't try to save him this is not a matter of a pill anymore 0_0 well KKKKKKKKKKKKKK NEITHER I DO KNOW LIFE IS CONFUSING"

Bad asking if "taking care" of him meant killing him

Richas : "KKKKKKKKKKK no tio nah nuh yuh"

Even if the pills aren't working, shouldn't there be some way to fix him?

Richas :"I mean there always is but…do we know how? I can ask tio but do you even know about a certain "dark cucurucho""

"That's the thing tio This is our only hint, for this, it's not a mather of sving him, but keeping dad alive I mean, he might be a danger to me but he is still my dad and better me than the others no? 0_0"

Nonono! what about nobody?

Richas :"thATS WHY KKKK YOURE A LITTLE GOSSIPER and you like dad forever a lot so I don't want tio to be stepping on landmines"

What about working together?

Richas :"Tio again 0_0 KKKKKKKKKKK again, he is far gone, idk how bad it was before Well, if that wakes dad up >:D"

"I mean yeah tio rn the only thing he would propose to in this state is satan so this is how bad it is"

Bad proposing different sleeping arrangements

Richas :"he don't want to kill me now tio 0_0 BUT at least not for today KKKKKK"

"i mean he shot tallulah so KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK But dw 0_0 I just want to say because tio, put energy on pom and dappe >:D"

Bad expresses concern towards Richas

Richas : "KKKKKKKKKKK I am a smart eggie tio, dw and honestly 0_0 it's dad, I will be fine either way, did anyone ever hurt and egg like this before?

qBad :"If you die Richas, I will crawl down and grab your soul and drag it back from the underworld myself, ok Richas? You are forbidden from dying, understood?"

Richas :"WAIT NOW I KINDA WANNA DIE JUST TO GIVE TIO THE WORK"

"if dad die pull him back for me, please"

qBad :"I will do my best Richas, I'll try"

Goes to look for Pomme, caught Pomme just staring a little too close at fire

Pomme :"hey :D"

qBad :"hmm…what are you up to?"

Pomme :"Nothing, dw"

qBad :"Oh. ok. Well if it was nothing, i won't worry about it because if it was something….you would say something…"

Pomme :"Just feeling a bit sad Just a bit worried of not being trust worthy"

qBad :"It's not that Pomme. It's Richas…he's concerned about you and so he doesn't want to tell you something because he doesn't want you to worry that's basically it"

Pomme :"Why? He doesn't need to be worried about me"

Richas :"KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I have secrets with pom too"

"no no Pome 0_0 it's about dad forever"

Pomme :"I mean… I don't know, today has just been a lot I wasn't planning on keeping it a secret from you"

"It's more… of an idea than a secret But I'm not sure we should say anything about it "for now""

Richas :"BUT I can say hope you're fine pom 0_0 dw, take care of tio bad too cause he abuses his poor totems"

Pomme :"dw, I made it my duty to keep him alive like I kept you alive for 3 months you muffinhead"

Richas :"CALLATE KKKKKKK"

Bad starts singing a "we will keep Richas alive" song

Pomme :"A miracle tbh"

"Okay that song was comforting pfft and funny :') <3"

"I'm just… I just want to try my best, you know"

Bad gives words of encouragement

Pomme :"Today was honestly awful, I saw him SHOT my siblings and I couldn't hit him, because >I know< it would've make things worse"

qBad :"Yeah, I think you did the right thing Pomme, the way you handled that situation, I think you handled it very well. And I am very proud of you."

Pomme :"I was angry at him and I felt powerless and I hate this I hate this I hate this feeling, I always feel powerless things keep happening to us and I CANT defend them no matter how hard I try to train and have the best gear I'll break at some point, I can't tank it forever no pun intended"

Bad ensures her that she has people who love her for her to lean on

Pomme :"Dad everytime it happens when you are not here when our parents aren't here"

Richas :"I MEAN MINE WAS KKKKKKKKKKKKKK"

Pomme :"yeah, AND he was targetting richas I just made sure to be the LAST ONE to warp, to leave no one behind, besides Richas and what I did was waiting in front of RIchas' stasis enderpearland I WAS READY to activate it I GOT SO SCARED."

Richas :"KKKKKK Pom, thank you for those splash potions TAKING 20 BULLETS HURT A LOT KKKKKKKKKK"

Pomme :"I KNOW I WAS SO FREAKING MAD. I WAS JUST PRETENDING TO BUILD FOR HIM BUT KEPT LOOKING AT THE SIDE I had my freaking tomb digger ready to hit him to give y'all time to warp away At least Dapper taught me well"

Richas :"our goat sleeper"

qBad :"Let's go yeah! See, Pomme, what you just described is a perfect example of literally ALL of us together, have been able to help lift each other up, help make each other stronger. Your brother, Dapper, helped give you the skills you needed to be tough, he gave you knowledge and tools that could help you in this situation. Richas helped provide you with levity while you're out in the wilderness to help you have the motivation to stay alive yourself, right? Instead of doing it alone, you had this goofball to keep you company, right? Everybody in our life can help lift us up in some way, shape or form. What's interesting about burdens, Pomme, is the burdens that we help carry for others feel lighter to us because we're helping them and the burdens others help carry with us, feel lighter to them as well so when two people help carry each other's burdens where they can, it actually makes the weight lighter for both of them and that's what we're trying to do with you and that's what you're doing with us Pomme. You're shouldering a burden which is making it easier on your siblings, it's making it easier on everyone else, you know what that's called, Pomme? It's called love. That's when you love your family so much and you love your friends that you're willing to sacrifice to help them because you love them and you care about them, okay? So, you don't need to worry cuz we love you too, Pomme and we're going to keep you safe and hopefully you can help keep us safe and I just want to let you know we do appreciate it."

Pomme :"I will keep you safe, I would do anything so you all are safe

literally anything"

group hug

#qsmp #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp richarylson #qsmp pomme #q!badboybalo

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