#and like I’m self sabotaging myself about it and causing not just myself but other people pain

[deityofhearts]

It’s just like, I know I have the capacity to be happy and be loved but I don’t feel loved and as long as I don’t feel loved I can’t be happy

[csuitebitches]

Book Review: Book 1: Stop People Pleasing (a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.”)

I’m reading a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.” His books talk about becoming assertive, saying no, not people pleasing anymore and being confident. Generally, such books are quite generic but I found his take on the subject interesting. His techniques to handle certain situations seem to be quite doable too. His techniques have been highlighted in bold.

Book One: “Stop People Pleasing”

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. This is more invalidating than giving an honest opinion.

-

In reality, people-pleasers continued promises and inaction just tick their friends off, as it becomes apparent that they are willing to be dishonest and only say what people want to hear.

-

They’re not really doing what they do to improve someone else’s life—they just want to feel more positive about themselves.

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Living under the limitations of our own viewpoint, we tend to think everyone in our circle is looking at and judging how we look and behave. At most, maybe a couple of people are paying attention to most of your moves, and they’re likely people you’re already close to who are supposed to know you better than anyone else.

-

When you’re so consumed with the perceived needs of others, you’re not paying yourself any attention. You could be overlooking or ignoring things you need to do to take care of yourself.

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Avoiding confrontation for fear that it might only make things worse ironically results in the very outcomes it’s meant to deflect. The absence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship is all healthy, and the presence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship has gone to the dogs.

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The BLUE model is a specific CBT strategy developed by PracticeWise to help counter negative thinking. BLUE is an acronym that stands for the kind of extremely negative thoughts you should recognize in yourself when they do pop into your head. “B” stands for blaming myself, “L” is looking for bad news, “U” means unhappy guessing, and “E” represents exaggeratedly negative thoughts.

-

What many people-pleasers fail to see is that sacrificing so much of themselves in pursuit of serving everyone else around them is sabotaging their very capacity to continue being there for others when it truly matters.

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Rejecting an invite is not the same as rejecting your friend and that prioritizing your own peace of mind by just settling into a restful weekend is totally okay.

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Ask yourself, “What are the things I do to be happy?” or “What are the core beliefs I have about my worth as a person?”

-

Exposure therapy is the process of deliberately placing yourself in situations that cause you fear and anxiety. You’ll need to immerse yourself in your feared situations in a gradual and progressive manner, starting from situations that cause the least anxiety and later advancing to those that cause the most intense feelings of fear.

-

Creating your fear hierarchy. The fear hierarchy is an ordered list of situations that elicit your fears and anxieties.

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The first habit we must develop is the habit of self-awareness. We don’t understand why we people-please, and we’re not aware when we’re doing it.

This begins with questioning the motives for your actions: “Why exactly am I going out of my way for this person?” “Do I genuinely care for them, or am I just afraid of what might happen without them?” “Would I be doing this out of free will, or am I doing it for someone else?”

Take note of the moment you’re starting to feel internal resistance. When that happens, stop everything and question why you’re doing it.

-

The second habit to cultivate is the habit of personal autonomy. An autonomous person knows what they truly believe and why they believe it. But the differences that you’ve valued your own opinion over that of others. Or you’ve at least valued it equally and not by habit put your own opinion as inferior to that of others.

-

That’s why it’s important to get into the habit of expressing yourself honestly. The more you communicate where you stand, the more people will know where you’re coming from (and what your limits are). After all, people can’t read minds, and to expect others to know what you want is an impossible task.

-

Remain strong under pressure. When you stop people-pleasing, you will face some angry reactions. It’s not necessarily their fault because you have conditioned their expectations. But this is where you must not fold under pressure, like you previously would have. It only takes five seconds of extreme willpower, and it gets easier every time thereafter.

-

How to set boundaries:

1. Determine your core values

2. Change yourself and only yourself. You dont control other people

3. Set consequences of someone else breaking your boundaries. Write down the boundaries you have, the actions others might take that trespass those boundaries, and exactly what you will do when they’ve violated your boundaries.

4. Communicate your boundaries to others in very exact terms. Make sure everybody’s very, very clear on what your limits are.

-

If you tell yourself “I can’t,” you’re simply reminding yourself of the limitations you’ve set for yourself. You’re creating a feedback loop in your brain that tells you that you can’t do something that you would normally want to do.

When you tell yourself “I don’t,” you’re creating a feedback loop that reminds you of your power and control of the situation. You’ve given yourself a line in the sand that takes the situation out of your hands. Your choice was premade to say no and thus you can stick to it more easily.

[eliplague]

Penny for my thoughts | The Sunshine Court (Part 1 maybe)

Just finished The Sunshine Court so I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head because there’s just too many. (Spoiler warning read at your own discretion)

1. Expect the Jean and Niel parallels post ‘cause it’s COMING

2. Never in a million years would I have ever known how much I needed to see Jean getting adopted by lesbians, thank you Nora for opening my eyes.

3. Renee and Jean friendship had me MELTING INTO A PUDDLE, I need everyone to know how dear that friendship is to me and how close I hold it to my heart.

4. Jean giving up information through freudian slip every damn time had me wanting to slap him upside the head, but I knew he wouldn’t have said anything other wise. Necessary evils and whatnot (If you get it you get it).

5. I still cannot decide if Jean holding into his ruined belongings is more of a self sabotage situation to remind himself he should be submitting or a “I know we ruined each other closely beyond repair, but you are still the only familiar thing to me”. Could be a little bit of both but I’m leaning more towards the first one.

6. LOVED all the representation in the book and how fast Jean was to accept it, my boy really dgaf.

7. My prediction that TSC was going to have to be cut into two books was correct and I’m glad Nora decided to do it that way. Like I said in THIS post, Jean has to deal with his trauma on the first book to make way for Jerejean to blossom, in my opinion, it was the best course of action.

8. Cat and Laila my beloved. Cat is my favorite character and I loved her the moment she was introduced, Laila being the handler to Cat’s chaos made me super warm inside.

9. Barkbark Von Barkestein is an incredible name and when I adopt a dog I will be naming it this.

10. I KNEW Grayson was going to make an appearance the moment his name kept coming up, even though it was coming I still had to stop breathing some fresh air when he inevitably did, because the seething rage I felt can only be compared to the Drake scene (as Jean so graciously did)

11. I’m so damn curious about Jeremy’s past I feel like I’m about to implode (hehe) from curiosity. Nora had me running mental laps trying to theorize why his family hates him so much. At first I thought it could be because he’s gay but then he mentioned Exy… 👀 the plot thickens

There’s so much more I want to talk about but I don’t trust myself to write an eloquent enough paragraph right now. I’m drunk on excitement and exhaustion from reading the whole book in one sitting. Did I procrastinate on some assignments because of it? Perhaps but that’s for future Eli to figure out.

[power-chords]

[...] But something else caught my attention in your letter, and it’s something I’ve been eager to have a discussion about: trauma.

I’m not trying to scold you or to diminish anyone’s struggles. We all have struggles, and they are not to be dismissed. But I think “trauma” has become a linguistic workhorse that’s pulling way more weight than any one word should, and the way it gets deployed to explain away conduct is a phenomenon worth unpacking.

[...] It feels like there is a lot of emphasis, in general, placed on the part where we identify our trauma, and awareness has become the primary goal. Indeed, trauma is often conflated with identity, becoming another avenue for self-expression, like astrology or sexuality. It’s a way to communicate to others: This is who I am, and this is why.

The why of it all is why (ha), I think, trauma has become such a popular identity marker for many. Individual human behavior is complex, motivated by any number of factors. We contradict ourselves. We are inconsistent. We do things that sabotage our own happiness. We harm ourselves, and we harm others. This is confusing, and like anything that causes confusion, it makes people anxious. So we seek easy answers and justification.

“Trauma” does it all. It links behavior to innate identity, flashes a sympathetic backstory that explains and justifies an individual’s actions. Maybe I’m a cynic, but it seems to me that we are in an era of justification, where people aren’t so much interested in changing anything about themselves, but in explaining themselves. I’ve come to think of this as “validity culture,” which is chiefly interested in affirming that the things you were going to do anyway are fine, or even good.

The language of therapy and self-improvement is an appealing device on this front, because it makes it sound like something healthy and productive is happening. I think, for example, of the way people will file selfish or antisocial behavior under the label of “self-care.” But all this behavior, self-destructive behavior, self-centered behavior, would occur with or without the cosmetic language of awareness. Touting awareness of your actions does not alter their impact. It just paints them as beyond your control. “This is just who I am.”

Personally, I do not identify with my trauma. My trauma is something I struggle with every day, something I want to challenge and overcome. My trauma informs my behavior in ways I hope to disrupt, because that behavior is often a detriment to myself and to others. The existence of my trauma does not erase or excuse the harm I do to others. Most people hurt others because they themselves are hurt. This is neither new nor unique, and it does not become more interesting or complex because we can identify trauma as the root of the issue.

[kaiwewi]

Sharing is Caring #4

[Masterlist: Sharing is Caring] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Synopsis: the alleged demon's real identity is finally revealed.

Monday, January 23rd 

Dear Hero

Let me begin by informing you that I do not appreciate your juvenile, self-destructive behaviour. As much as you may hate my presence (and perhaps understandably so) we are both inhabiting this body. Thus, I'd suggest you refrain from poisoning us and try not to deliberately cause further harm to our shared well-being.

I’d hate for our conflict to escalate, so I choose to put my anger aside and to not retaliate, for now.

However, should you continue to vent your frustration on me, I will see myself forced to return the favour. Make no mistake, you are not the only one capable of petty cruelties and infantile jibes.

Still, I’d like us to cooperate instead of sabotaging one another. So please, let us both behave like responsible adults. Let there be peace and constructive communication. Let us not waste our resources on waging a senseless war. A battlefield bears no fruit. Whether we like each other or not, I’d rather we both thrive than perish. Thank you.

Now, before you make any additional odd assumptions about me, I’d like to set a few things straight: 1. I am not a demon! (Though I can’t fault your logic; I would probably have arrived at a similar conclusion were the roles reversed.) 2. You seem to be under the misconception that I chose to ‘possess’ you. This is not the case. My being here is neither a personal attack nor an attempt to take over your life. I promise, I’m not your enemy!

Regards,

Villain

(Perhaps you remember me. The scientist from that warehouse by the docks. December 18th. You broke into, and ultimately blew up, my laboratory. But it hardly matters; I’d rather we’d discuss the future and let bygones be bygones.)

PS: I’d like to negotiate our diet again. I’m willing to prepare food in advance for both of us. If you advise me on your likes and dislikes, I can take those into account. Please at least consider this proposal!

PPS: Yes. I paid for those groceries and I will continue to do so. (You won’t have to concern yourself with housekeeping money. I still have access to my private bank accounts.)

PPPS: Does our body have allergies, illnesses, or any special needs that I should know about?

...

Addendum. Saturday, January 28th:

I am surprised to find that I am still here. It has been a week now, which is by far the longest I’ve ever been in control of our body. It makes me wonder why and how the switching occurs.

Last time, you seemed to have had a hunch, otherwise you wouldn’t have been drinking to that extent. (At least I assume, and hope, that to be the case.) Have you perhaps found a pattern to our predicament already? Or were you merely gambling?

...

Addendum. Monday, January 30th:

Do not worry: I am keeping track of the lecture plan. I’m aware we have a seminar this week and will, of course, provide you with transcripts and notes. I’ll leave them on the desk for you. (Please make sure to review and memorise the material as soon as possible; the oral examination is scheduled for Friday afternoon.)

...

Addendum. Saturday, February 4th:

Yesterday, I completed the seminar, including the corresponding examination. I have just received the certificate. I will add it to the transcripts. You’re welcome.

(By the way, last week, I consulted a doctor about our lactose intolerance. Turns out I was correct. So should you find yourself craving dairy produce regardless, I’d suggest you make use of the lactase pills I bought. You’ll find them in the kitchen cupboard.)

[Part 5]

———

For my other stories, visit my [MASTERLIST] ♥

[nakedbibi333]

HEYY so this is a wake up call, WAKE UP EVERYONE THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE NO TIME FOR DOUBTS JUST MANIFEST BABES, SIMPLY AFFIRM AND PERSIST AND LIVE IN THE END!!!! before stumbling upon loa i came across law of attraction first and i manifested a lot. Here are some of the things i remember:

1. desired college (twice)

2. desired grades (many times) (this one time i did so bad and i just knew i couldn’t fail because i’d have to repeat a year but nope i didn’t🧿)

3. desired phone (twice)

4. desired laptop

5. money when i was in need lol

6. desired situations (many times)

7. desired hair

8. desired gifts

9. parents make more $$$

10. resolved family fights through vetala’s family sub countless times

now i did all this by scripting, I LOVE SCRIPTING and whenever fear crept my mind i kicked that thought out and replaced it with what i wanted to happen. If only i knew about loa when i was younger cause my confidence then was unshakable but now as i grew older this word logic came up a lot but if there’s one thing i know in my heart and soul, even with doubt when push comes to shove i just close my eyes and repeat my affirmations over and over again when i’m on a time crunch like instantly when i want things to be in my favour i say i’m peace i’m love i’m the creator and the feeling i get as i affirm puts me in ease, because at that moment i know nothing should stress me out because it all works out and spoiler alert: it does, always. Now i have sabotaged myself a couple of times when i think against my desires and IT HAS ENDED UP HAPPENING so please know, thoughts are everything, always think positively. I have heard thoughts manifest into sickness and other shitty things. I have seen enough to know that loa is as real as you and i. but i’ll be honest i haven’t manifested my dream life yet and truth be told it’s because i’m lazy and want it to be “effortless” i just want it to be like a switch which is why i want to get into the void. I have tried multiple times and i have gotten so close but this one time i was so close i was floating but then my foot just twitched out of nowhere and i wasn’t floating anymore. Because i got there I KNOW THE VOID IS REAL, i know what i felt and it was all in place for me to get my “the” success story fr fr, people who meditate talk about this state all the time, and let’s be real, do you really think all these success stories you’re coming across are fake?? c’mon babes that’s just too much, you’re either a hater or you don’t believe in yourself, you’re scared (been there) orrrr you’re just too caught up with something called logic (i don’t blame you, i was there too) but this is as real as it gets guys, magic is real but you can’t see it daily, can you? many things are real even when you can’t see it and that’s the beauty of it. I could come up with more examples but no magic is my fav unseen thing to talk about so moving on. now i thought i would only type this when i would get my void success story and just log off. i’d just come back once in a while to see all the cool things people have been manifesting but i’m typing this here now because i don’t agree with scammy when it comes to the void, cause that was so much bs and also this another blogger who kept saying she’d go to the void but kept delaying it (i don’t blame her i just want people to wake up realise the only thing they need to manifest their dream life is their own self THAT IS ALL) you all deserve to live your desired lives, no drama babes. I AM CALLING MYSELF TF OUT HERE, GIRL STOP GOING TO SLEEP AND STOP THINKING ABOUT RANDOM PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GET INTO THE VOID, THEY ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU OWE YOURSELF YOUR DREAM LIFE, STOP SAYING TOMORROW IS THE DAY IT’S NOW, NOW!!!!!!! i don’t care how tired you are tonight, it’s a meditative state and you’re going in. THAT IS IT. YOUR LIFE CHANGES FOREVER AND IT IS NOTHING LESS THAN A DREAM. Whenever i come across a success story especially a void success story i get so happy because i know that’s going to be me soon and it’s well deserved. I have talked to someone who manifested her dream body in just 20 minutes by listening to slade’s shifting sub, just affirmed and meditated. That’s all. Please don’t complicate it. It’s so simple. Also, i don’t want to hear any void slander at all, i understand if it’s not your cup of tea but i want to experience it and if i have a desire, it’s meant to be fulfilled. PERIOD. I hope this gets to as many people as possible. I want to see all of y’all win!!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE MY FEED WITH JUST SUCCESS STORIES, no questions, no doubts, NADA!!!!!!! only congratulations and i’m so happy for you❤️‍🩹 GO GET IT!!!!!! because i don’t want to spill my real name and i don’t want to use emojis lol can i be ami🤭sending to 5 bloggers

So happy for you, Ami !!! <333

[letstrywritingmaybe]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love🫶🏻

I’m curious to know your personal favorites! I’ll treat it as a fic-rec hehe

You are so cute! I love you! 🩵

Hm… this is a tough question cause I guess it depends on the day and what I’m feeling. I mean all my stories are honestly the same in terms of my ship being together and it ending happily, but the journey and the way I choose to tell it can differ. What exactly are quintessential lots of love fics? I guess currently I will go with these (I’m only doing Det Co ones cause I know you’re in this fandom, plus I don’t write enough for my actual otps in other fandoms)

In no particular order cause I don’t really have a true top five:

I Can Make Your Heart Race: They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so then what’s the way to a woman’s? Obviously you have to get her heart racing. In which scare tactics does little to impress a scientist, instead it backfires on the detective. Well, maybe not completely. Rated G (ShinShi)

It’s really short, but I find myself thinking about this fic some days. Maybe cause it is a fix it fic of sorts since my heart will never keep the canon ship in tact, and it’s fluffy with the potential for more. They’re my most slowburn ship and it kills me

I Hate Accidents, Except When We Went From Friends To This: Post Black Org and Permanent Antidote. A month-long look into the relationship of Shiho and Shinichi. Written with prompts from flufftober on tumblr. Rated T (ShinShi)

I was actually proud of how I was able to follow not one, not two, but 31 whole prompts! Even though every chapter is super short, but still. I’m the worst at following prompts, so I got excited I was able to get through this and keep my brand of fluff

Lo Lo Love Me: The change from fighting to be Shinichi again, to being her Edogawa. Or the fic where Shiho becomes a little delusional.

“You’re not him.”

“I am.”

“No, you’re not Edogawa Conan. You’re Kudo Shinichi.”

Rated T (CoAi but technically it’s ShinShi)

Truthfully my ending for this verse is just the first chapter, this idea wouldn’t die and I still find myself thinking about it some days. I think I ended it too soon but also don’t think I should’ve added to it beyond the first chapter. So yes I still think about revisiting it all the time

You Belong With Me?: It’s a matter of principle. She was here first and they grew up together for goodness sake! Of course people can change their minds, but she waited patiently for two years with the title as his girlfriend, so how can it be over just like that? It’s not fair. Rated T (ShinShi told from Ran’s pov)

Who would I be if I didn’t include a song fic? And yes while I love that this love affair with this fandom began with Folklore Twist, but I really do have some strong feelings for Ran. And it’s all because of projection, so yes I want better for her and I want her to be her own knight in shining armor and let my queen be the one who gets the romance story book ending for once

A Day Out With The Kids: An impromptu date holds no weight against an already established play date with the Detective Boys. It doesn’t stop Kaito from wooing Shiho anyway, even with the children’s attempts at sabotage. Converting these CoAi shippers to board the kaishi ship may not be as difficult as one might think. It’s a good thing Kaito’s great with kids. Rated G (KaiShi)

I couldn’t resist okay, yes I know my most popular fic is probably one that’s rated E or even my fuck the childhood friends to lover fic. And yeah I do sometimes go back to those verses, but some days kaishi owns my entire heart. So yeah, I had to include one even though I know it’s a crack ship

(A bonus/ honorable mention would be the Fleeting Feelings verse. I would be unstoppable as a multishipper, but alas I’m not.)

[helperhome]

Reconnecting the Mind, Body, and Soul

(The beginning of a very long discussion) 1/?

If you're anything like me, then you've probably spent some time struggling with your self-image, esteem, or your entire being as a whole.

By experiencing an abundance of trauma, the mind, body, and soul will begin to distance themselves from each other. Eventually, they may separate, leaving you at war between the three as the power struggle ensues. In my own experience, I have lived in a body I felt disconnected from entirely. With a mind that became an uncontrollable being of its own hell-bent on sabotaging my body, it left my soul aching for love, connection, and acceptance. That ache was felt and expressed throughout every part of my existence. It warped my reality, pushing me towards anyone who showed the “affection” I craved. This caused a messy domino effect to be triggered and my life fell into shambles.

But things always have the ability to improve. Remember this. 

With time, constant effort, and help from professionals in the field, I was able to reconnect with myself again. While the connections aren't as tight as they could be, they become tighter with every day that passes.

This is no easy feat, and if you lack a support system it makes it so much harder. But it is 100% possible and worth all the pain included in the journey.

How do you reconnect yourself?

Here are some supplies you'll need for this process:

a therapist/counsellor to bounce ideas off of

a journal & writing utensils - listen, I know y'all are (probably) sick of hearing about journaling... but trust me on this one

a place you can be completely open with yourself - this should be the place that makes you feel the most comfortable and free

Perhaps some tea or a calming incense to help relax yourself

To begin, we will be answering some baseline questions so that we can track our progress as we go through this process. 

First, you should start by asking yourself a few things:

How do I feel at this current moment?

Why do I feel this way?

What can I do to improve how I feel in this current moment?

Once you have that written down, take a minute to answer those questions and take action if necessary. You’re going to want to become accustomed to writing the things you ponder so that you can reference them throughout your journey. Next, think about your mind, body, and soul. Assess them as they are, where they are, but be sure to avoid assigning judgments upon them. Accept the current situation and where they stand. Inner acceptance on any level is incredibly important in all of the processes I plan on discussing. Think about it this way, if you can’t accept yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? 

Take note in your journal of how things are within you. For example, at the beginning of the process, I would have written something like, “I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction. My mind hates my body and the way the world perceives it, while my soul hates both. The dysfunction I feel is radicalizing my entire being, leaving me drained. I want a new start with a whole new mind, body, and soul. This is so unfair…” 

Be blunt and raw with what your reality is. Don’t focus on refining everything, just put it out the way it presents itself to you. Once you write that out, take some time and meditate on the things you have written. This can be for hours or days, however long you need before you take the next steps.

[sober-in-a-nutshell]

Divets

March 26th, 2017

I jolt awake in the bathtub, covered in glass. Warm water is still falling from the shower spicket, covering my discolored body. Small scrapes and bruises decorate my 21-year-old legs. No blood-thank God, but the bathroom itself is dismembered. I blink a couple times as consciousness reclaims my brain. I slept in the running shower? The skin covering my fingertips and toes is transformed into what I imagine a drowning victim’s look like within the first five hours postmortem. I rub the pad of my index and thumb together, disgusted inside this half alive body. The rest of my organs are feigning for hydration-pulling it from my exhausted brain; which feels four sizes smaller than it was yesterday. I move my head from side to side and feel it rolling around like my dad’s old bowling ball inside its leather bag. Dusty, sad, and forgotten somewhere inside the barn behind my ma’s house in the rural Great Lakes. Just like me a few months before my big move to the West Coast. Sad, angry, and forgotten, hanging out in the barn before work, scraping black resin off the side of my bowl like a goddamn crackhead. Work, make money, save it, move to southern California…get to be with him. 

I lay there on the tub floor for fifteen minutes more, trying to piece together last night’s events before things start to get too fuzzy. It starts like any normal night. It was my husband’s friend’s birthday. He’s Irish, so I knew while getting ready for the night that getting piss-drunk is on the agenda. And I froth. I get around his friends and I am the hot, funny, quirky girl from the Midwest that can outdrink men double my size. I love this attention. When my husband’s friends look at me like he is so lucky, I feel immense approval. I’m the pick-me girl. But it is so fucking fake and self-absorbed that after the night is over, I want to piss myself and destroy our apartment piece by piece to sabotage it all. 

I’m so depressed lately that when I get pissed off there is nothing like the sweet relief that falls over me when I commit acts of self-harm. I hit myself, cut myself, and put myself in scenarios where serious trauma could fall upon the sacred shell that God gave me to protect, honor, and love. But finding a fuck to give about the fragility of my life seems harder than anything these days. I cry when the smallest icky feeling comes over me. I genuinely do not have the emotional capacity to deal with jealousy, insecurity, and fear, and the pills that I am getting from my doctor don’t seem to be helping me feel happy at all. Sometimes when I’m sad I’ll pop six just for the hell of it. The label reads ‘It’s best to avoid the consumption of alcohol while taking this medication’. What it should say is, ‘drinking with this medication can cause you to rip your house apart and bust through your glass shower door blind with rage.’ Thank God for the safety glass. It’s the kind that just pops into a million sparkling pebbles. I’m pretty sure it’s the same glass they use in car windows now, in case of an accident. What they don’t know is that last night I was the overturned convertible on the side of the highway. At least she didn’t cut herself. I’ll lie to my sweet landlord, Sherry in the morning and tell her that I slipped in the shower and pulled the door down with me. That should keep my drunken episode from getting us evicted.

Our beachfront condo is perfect. Within walking distance to the pier and other good foodie spots. Thai, pizza, a couple of cafes, ice cream, and a surf hut.  It’s fully furnished, so nothing is our own. Afterall, I could barely afford to move myself and what I could fit in my car. It’s a little outdated, but Sherry is an older woman. She was a doctor and her husband still practices. They got money, honey. And I am just a waitress. Sherry loved me as soon as she met me, she fixed and helped me with anything we needed at the condominium, and we shared some intimate talks while we fixed the garbage disposal once.

My mom always said I was the daughter she never had. A small fable she made up to make herself, and I suppose me, feel better that her daughter is liable to jump out of a moving vehicle any time she drinks. It must be so frightening for her to know that 36 hours away I am dying inside. I don’t care. I anxiously anticipate her phone call and her lecture, like I’m sixteen again and got caught drinking in the sticks with an older man. When scenes like last night happen and Colin is scared, he calls her for refuge. 

I replay the night over and over again. Shot, cocktail, beer, cocktail, shot, shot, cocktail, shot, shot. I was sloppy last night, but everyone else seemed to be on the same wave. My friend Christine and I laugh and make fun of the hoity-toity women that our  friend is now involved with. I spilled a drink, and we laughed more. Before long ten o’clock turns into two and the fluorescent lights flick on, and the music stops-any drunkard knows what that means. We walk outside and we wait for an Uber XL to take the seven of us back to our beach town by the border of Mexico half-an-hour away. 

Our Uber is a massive van, like it’s time to head to church. We pile in one after the other. Colin and I are together in the middle row and we’re about 10 minutes out now. Everybody in the van must have passed out because after leaving the bar where you had to talk two inches from each other’s faces to hear, the van is now engulfed in silence. I can’t sleep yet. I’m looking out the window and thinking about my nightly routine when I get home, hitting my bong, eating Cheez-Its, not brushing my teeth and passing out. 

A common misconception that we feel as drunks is that we are more desirable the farther down the bottle we fall. This pride befalls me every time I drink and sex with my husband, Colin, is the most leg-shaking, intimate fuck. It has to be a part of this nightcap. I think if everyone is passed out now, I should be able to sneak in a make-out session before we make it home to let him know what’s on my mind. I put my hand on his thigh, lean over and French him all in one swift movement. He instantaneously puts his hands on my biceps, picks me up, and puts me back in my seat, all while saying “Get. The fuck. Off me.” I blink open my eyes and stare into the face of Christine’s boyfriend Kurt. I frantically look around for my husband. He is in the back row of the van and is completely passed out. The car and the night fall silent. Silent with shame, silent with stupidity, silent with the lack of basic motor skills. I send Colin a text from two feet away, “Some weird shit just happened. I need to talk to you.”

We get to Christine and Kurt’s house first. I get out of the van with them because I think I am home. I run to Christine and looked at her crying, “Christine I am so sorry, it was an honest to God accident, I would never do that, I thought Chris was next to me. I am so sorry.” She looks at me sweetly, grabs my shoulders, pulls me in to peck my forehead and says, “Babygirl, I know you would never do that, and I know it was an accident.” Kurt has long since beelined for the house. 

Colin and I get home and we head upstairs. He says, “What did you want to talk about?”

I gulp, “I accidently kissed Kurt in the car on the way home. I thought you were sitting next to me.”

He says, “Wait, you cheated on me?”

“NO. No no no no no. It was an honest mistake and accident. I leaned over, the van was pitch dark, and I thought you got in behind me. I did not cheat. You were right behind me and even if you were not, I would never cheat on you, I love you.” Gobbledegook at this point of the night.  

“What the fuck, Mckenna.”

“I’m sorry.” I’m sobbing. Even more disgusting than my false sex-appeal forty minutes prior, my makeup is running, my nose is dripping, my eyes are swollen red now, because I finally have this human that remains devoted to me, who’s as angry as I am, but loves me for it and I am about to lose it, because the accident sounds vile, I clearly cannot outdrink the men I choose to party with, and I am an emotionally unstable, Trazodone-prescribed wreck. 

Colin goes to bed, obviously humiliated by his sloppy wife. I spark up a small bud of my California dream indica, and whoop, my bong falls out of my hands and shatters on the marble floor. I don’t remember cleaning up the glass, but when I walk to the kitchen the next morning the mess is gone. 

I am now hunched over the tub, using the broom pan to scrape up all the glass from the shower door. I look no better than Gollum, C-shaped posture, wreaking of alcohol even after a four-hour shower, my guts feel like they are rotting from the inside, and my mouth is completely deserted of any saliva. Ha ha. My body is literally trying to suck itself dry. I have small divets in my thighs, it looks like cellulite, but it’s actually where those small sparkly crystals were pressing into my skin between the tub floor and my ass. 

So, my bong is broken. There goes using weed for my hangover. But what happened after that? Colin clearly needed space. I vaguely remember following him around the house like a pound-puppy. Pathetic and shamed. I remember trying to rip the shower door off its track and the sound it made when it hit the floor. Boom. It was louder than a gunshot in our tiny bathroom. That’s the only reason I remember. Jesus, after the bong broke even my consciousness was like, “Welp, time to go.” I don’t even want to be around myself. 

I charge my phone and I have a picture message from Christine. It’s Kurt on the couch making the kiss face of a thirteen-year-old girl with her first digital camera and throwing up a peace sign. It reads... 

“Kurt wants you to know that these lips are exclusively for Christine.” ha. Ha. I’m glad they know I would never do that on purpose. It’s hard to laugh because I have humiliated Colin with my drunkenness, and I guarantee he does not find humor in what happened last night. 

She texts me again and says, “we're going to the pier for lunch, come down.” 

I ask Colin if he wants to go, he says he’s going to play PS4 for a little bit. He’s probably going to jerk-off and imagine he’s not married to me. I can’t be mad, who could blame him. He says he might come down in a bit. He seems surprisingly O.K. today... 

I walk down there, still clearly dealing with the aftermath of the night before. The sand down here has gold flakes in it, and they sparkle and shine depending on the angle you are looking at them. The midday sun is too hot to handle today. At least it’s not humid like it is back home in Ohio. Home. We still call it home even though home is now the city an entire country away. The thought of returning to Ohio in the state I am in, where everybody knows everything, sounds like suicide. The day is full of people on the beach, kids who haven’t yet gained consciousness of the shitty reality life can be, grannies power walking with gallons full of water. That will never be me if I keep going the way I am. I let the water soak my feet. In and out, in and out, like a dance only mother nature knows how to do well. Each wave washes over me a clarity that I am unwilling to acknowledge. I am 21 and I might have a drinking problem. I do not need alcohol to get through my day, but I surely abuse it to the point that it becomes downright dangerous. I don’t want to be the next John Bottom and choke on my own Belvedere flavored vomit. I do not want to go out like that. How ashamed would God be? This moment on the beach feels like one of those cathartic experiences that you see in the movies. Those always feel more romantic and eye-opening than the disdain I feel for myself now. 

Why does Colin love me? Why do I have a drinking problem? Why am I so fucking hateful. Why does Colin love me. I swallow it all now, like a shot of whiskey. I’ll file that away until I have to dig it out when tax season comes. 

I get to the pier. “There she is!” They offer me a beer, laughing, and I don’t decline it. 

[softguarnere]

hello dear! figured i’d send one of these ship requests in myself after seeing you do so many :) ♡

I’m 5’7”, with curly dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. I’m a very stubborn and sarcastic individual, but I like to be the voice of reason in my friend group when things get complicated. Because of this a lot of the people I’m friends with tend to go to be for advice because I’m a relatively blunt person who tells them what they need to hear. I’m essentially willing to try anything once and am pretty open-minded to new experiences. I’m creative and enjoy all means of creative expression but especially writing and music. I’m currently majoring in journalism. I’m very passionate about the things I do and I admittedly like to be the best at anything I get very invested in :)

Hi love! Absolutely off-topic, but I love the "war boy enjoyer" in your bio 😂 Definitely how I'm going to start describing my interests to people from now on

I ship you with . . .

Lewis Nixon!

Your sarcasm + his sarcasm = a comedic duo, a real force to be reckoned with. If anybody tests y'all, you're collectively dragging that person within an inch of their life while the rest of the company looks on in awe

Contrary to popular belief, you're not really that sarcastic with each other. And when you are, it's always in a joking way -- never with malice or for the sake of fighting

Because you're so blunt, Nix starts coming to you for advice during the war. (Even though some of the things that he tells you about are supposed to be top secret, so shhh 🤫 I won't tell if you won't 😏) At some point he realizes that he likes how you tell it like it is, and then immediately realizes that he likes you, and the rest is just history

Your stubbornness and reason pair really well with his recklessness and self-sabotage. You're one of the only people who can talk him off a ledge, and he trusts your judgement and learns to listen to it better the longer you're together

But at the same time, if he suggests some crazy idea for a date (or just to cause general mischief), he knows that you'll be right by his side. He admires how willing you are to try new things with him and go along with his mischief, but also how you can make sure that things don't get too out of control

He's also kind of competitive, though. And you're kind of competitive. Game nights get intense. Words have definitely been said. But at the end of the day, it's a just some game, and it's really admirable how you two can leave all the competition when you walk away from the game. (Even though he is convinced you cheat at certain card games, because there's no way that he's that bad at them, right? Right?)

If Nix is having a rough night, he really likes it if you sing to him or read to him. Something about your voice is just very calming to him, especially if you're reading or singing something that you wrote

He thinks that it is so cool that you study journalism! He saves all of your articles, and even though he is not a morning person by any means, he has woken up early before just to read your work when it comes out in the morning paper so he can be one of the firsts to read it

Lol he's kind of obsessed with the gossip columns? He would also try to convince you to tell him what big articles are coming out soon, because "I gotta have my finger on the pulse, babe!"

Thanks for the request! I hope you liked this 💕🕊️

[s3xtones]

hiii ily,

this might be quite long so sorry about that :/

theres a pretty lady i’ve known a very long time who i am very much in love with. i feel as though we’re bound by that in a way, she knows i love her without me having to tell her and i know she loves me. ig the bond that we have isn’t enough tho since we’ve tried several times before and it never ends up working out for us. she mostly blames it on herself and her ‘self sabotaging tendencies’ but there’s been times where i’ve been so horrible and so obviously at fault and it’s almost as if we start off beautifully but we both become almost chaotic and end up splitting again.

we’ve spent a lot of time apart and as of right now i feel as tho we’ve both matured a lot and my love for her is just as strong if not stronger than before. we talk less but it’s almost as if we don’t need to, whenever we do however we always clarify and honour the love we still have for each other even tho we’re separate. i really do believe in a relationship with her and i’m not close to giving up on that but my problem is that i’m worried that she struggles focusing on someone long term in general.

we mostly stay out of each others way now, checking up every once in a while. she has a boyfriend now too which doesn’t bother me in itself but he’s sort of the object of the issue. i don’t mean to sound cocky but i know that i could take her back whenever i wanted, boyfriend or not. that’s where the problem arises tho because they’ve only been together around 2 weeks and in that time alone she’s flirted with me and mentioned (not directly to me) that she’d ‘literally die for me’ and hates that she sabotaged our relationship calling herself insane for doing it :( .

as i’ve mentioned i do see a future with her. i love her and i want her and i guess i’m selfish in the sense that if we were guaranteed to last, i wouldn’t have any problems taking her away from her boyfriend at all. the only reason i’m reluctant is because i feel like if she can’t focus on her current man for 2 weeks without running back to me at 4 in the morning, then she’s not ready for something long term and i’d hate for us to go through the effort of getting back together just for it to end in a couple weeks. i really feel torn because i want her to myself but i see no longevity in us. i think if tried to focus on the person she’s wit now it’d prove to me that it’s possible for us to have something long term. we’ve had a connection ever since we met and i feel so drawn to her. she’s a real angel to me and i wish her sm peace and happiness regardless of our circumstances. i really need a new perspective. tysm for reading this and giving advice if u do <3

oh and btw she shares ur first name <3

lots of love <333

A DOOMED LOVE STORY.

Idk taking her from her man is just an ego / pride move n a terrible way to get back into the relationship. Based on what you’ve told me , i think y’all are both confused on what you actually want from each other and what to do with the feelings you have for one another. the space is good for now and actually maybe there should be even MORE SPACE. Her Reachin out at 4am is not a good thing cause she’s creepin and even though to you that’s a sign you can “take her” it’s also evidence of the overlying problem, COMMITMENT!

If y’all both cannot commitment 100% it’s never gon be right.

Commitment takes trust, faith, love , discipline, loyalty and a lot of self reflection.

It feels weird to let go of someone so familiar they felt like home. You get to reminiscing bout old good times n wishing you could do it all over again but the reality is it cannot work with the way things are. People never change, they do grow and mature but people do not change their ways and who they are at their core.

idk im still trynna figure out my own situation and this made me cry. Reiterating what i said, there’s a difference yearning for the love once shared and missing someone you’re too afraid to let go of but you don’t really want cause then you’re actually alone.

Let her go fr n if y’all are meant it will be.

ily2 n i wish you the best, focus on u fr build ur dream life in the meantime

ARIEL WHEREEVRR U ARE U BETTER GET RIGHT N REALIZE WHAT U WANT AND WHAT YOU DESERVE. YOU ARE WORTH THE BEST!

[fireandpowder]

Hi! I hope this is okay, but I wanted to send you an ask about “love is heavy”!

I found myself having a really intense and unexpected reaction to the scene with Geralt and Vesemir. Basically, while I was 100% on board with Vesemir drawing a line in the sand and protecting Jaskier - there was admittedly a *small* part of me that was like “okay but you raised him to be this emotionally broken (but won’t say that to him) and are now punishing him for it that’s kinda fucked up”

Which took me by surprise right? Cause like 1) kudos to you for getting that intense of a response out of me and 2) this isn’t eye for an eye and past wrongs don’t mean Vesemir shouldn’t have said anything.

But what it DID make me curious about is if any of *that* was going through your or Vesemir’s head (or any other character too!) when making the decision to have that confrontation? Or is the voice in my head just petty and grudge holding lol

Lastly, I thought you should know that this is my favorite Post-Mountain Fic I’ve ever read and easily like top 3 Witcher fics I’ve ever read and I’m not even finished yet!!!

hi, hello, tumblr did not inform me about this ask until just now sorry!!!

anyway, re the reaction it got out of you - i'm sorry and you're welcome, lmao. but yeah, the entire point was for this to be not an eye for an eye situation

also i am very much a pleading eyes emoji about that last bit, thank you so much it means a LOT

but for your question: yes, vesemir was! i don't know if you've finished the fic by now, but just in case you haven't, i'll put this under a readmore so if you don't want a sort of spoiler you can come back when you've finished :D (also it got long, oops lmfao)

so the others were not really thinking about that, because they were all raised the same, and are varying levels of poorly-adjusted/oblivious about it. vesemir, though, was - and is - very aware of the ways he's failed his boys, how he and all of his fellows failed them when the school was functioning. he's also aware of how he was failed, and how much of his regrets likely echo the generations of witchers before him - that the elder have been hurting the younger for hundreds of years.

that is part of the reason that he takes jaskier to the dungeons, shows him the "memorial" of dead boys' names, explains that generational trauma and how it lives in all of them, and how much he hates himself for it. vesemir was upset, at the reminder of kaer seren's fall, and he knows that one day, kaer morhen will finally fall the same - it's just a matter of time. he could have just shown jaskier the memorial tree, the medallions and the names on that stone. but he didn't; he chose to admit to his wrongs, to how viciously he failed geralt, because he is viciously aware of that failure.

he didn't make the choice to give geralt that sort of ultimatum lightly. he did not want to punish geralt for a lack that was vesemir's and other witchers' fault. however, he recognized that geralt was in a cycle of self-destruction and self-sabotage that wasn't going to be moved without force. so he gives him a wake-up call.

however, note that vesemir does not make himself the arbiter of this ultimatum - he tells geralt that until jaskier forgives him, until jaskier says he's repaired the damage he did, that he won't be welcome back. that, specifically? that's not just vesemir recognizing that the person geralt hurt should be a part of this - it's him saying that jaskier is the only one of them who can say.

because none of the witchers are well-adjusted. all of them are broken and traumatized and have coping mechanisms that border on self-destruction. jaskier isn't some kind of all-knowing benevlont judge of rightness, but he's much better adjusted than his witchers, and they all know that. he has the emotional intelligence to handle this in a way none of them can. vesemir knows that the clearest, with the benefit of having been one to raise a new generation of witchers that he knows he damaged, and the reflecting realization that his elders damaged him.

vesemir didn't want to give geralt an ultimatum, to punish him - but like the story he tells about geralt and eskel as children, he needed to impress the importance of what he was saying, and he doesn't really know any other way to do it.

(you might also find some clarification in a lot of the choices i made in the addressing concerns posts i made after the fic finished posting! i also put anything like those, this, or other asks and background in the tag #background post on this blog <3)

[peternew-blog]

Somebody Hide That Guy’s Food

Those of you who know me, know I’m a bit portly. Those of you who’ve seen me likely also know this, though I’m often told, “oh you’re not fat” or “you carry it well” or some other platitude designed to make me feel better about it, as though being portly is something I couldn’t possibly control if I had a mind to. Because of course I could. 

Couldn’t I?

I suppose I don’t think of it as a problem. Not really. I’m comfortable. I so far don’t have many of the negative health effects associated with lifelong obesity, but that is the diagnosis. Morbidly. 

I think if I did think of it as a problem, the evidence for how to solve it is well documented. Eat less and do more. No fad diet, no quick fix, just burn more calories than you consume and presto change-o you're skinny like a cobweb, though I suppose not as dusty, cause of all the moving. And it’s not really presto change-o either, is it, because it’ll take a couple years, and then I have to keep eating less and moving more if I want to maintain my sexy cobwebby physique. 

Ok no more cobweb-as-metaphor. Don’t let me. 

The problem, as it were, is not that I don’t like being fat. It’s ok, really. I’m not weak, I’m not super tired all the time (well I am, but that’s stress, not lard - a subject for another day). The problem is that I really like to sit. And I really like to eat. And if I want to do those things, guess what? I get tubby. I know because I’ve been not-tubby before, and between terms of tubbiness, senator skinny jeans has been elected. 

Sorry. I don’t know. Trying to keep it interesting I guess. 

But recently, much as I enjoy it, I have been realizing that maybe - just maybe - I eat too much. 

Like I don't want to be a calorie counter. I’ve tried it and there’s nothing worse. It’s a one way ticket to making me feel bad about every morsel of joy I can squeeze out of a quarter teaspoon of peanut butter. Or making me feel depressed that the only things I can eat in unlimited quantities are lettuce, and apparently, mustard. Joyless and Grainy, the two missing Smurfs.

It doesn’t apparently matter particularly what one eats, over the long term. Maintaining a healthy body weight is contingent on moderation over elimination. In other words I can eat a bowl of ice cream, just not daily, not twice daily, and probably not with sprinkles, a half-litre of chocolate sauce and a banana to make me feel healthy while I sup.

But I needn’t eliminate the occasional banana split. Just work around it. Move more, eat less besides it. As long as I’m getting my daily balance, no banana split can possibly sabotage any overall progress on its own. So what’s my deal? Why am I stuck never fitting into any of the pants at the Simon’s. Why do I only feel full when I’m absolutely stuffed? Why is the hors d’oeuvre table afraid of me?

In short: why do I eat? 

Well because I’m hungry, obviously. That’s reason number one. But the chubbier I get, the hungrier I feel. I can’t always tell the hunger from the gas, and boy do I have gas with all the food I eat. It’s self fulfilling. I feel a hole made by my own methane and fill it with snacks, producing more farts. I don’t need these snacks. So I try to only eat when my tummy growls at me. But that’s not enough.

I eat when I’m thirsty.

What the hell is this about? My brain seems to know I need to ingest something, but rather than the useful and calorie-free glass of water I’m actually craving, it’ll tell me to have a handful of chocolate covered almonds. When that doesn’t satisfy me, it’ll say, maybe that wasn’t enough almonds, so I have more. I don’t keep them in the house anymore. It’s defeating and it makes me feel kinda stupid, so I sit down and tell myself not to get any more of them. But then I get bored and it’s all I can think about. Also:

I eat because I’m bored.

So often I’ll find myself pacing back into the tempting zone around where the snacks live. Other people call it the ‘kitchen’ so I’ve heard. I have come to think of it as a bizarre trap full of food I don’t want and also full of food I do want, except the food I do want is usually food I don’t want and the food I don’t want is the food I really do want if I think about it for even a half-second. Think pop tart vs. arugula and you’re with me. Speaking of with me....

I eat because I’m alone.

It feels like I’m getting away with something. Nobody I live with cares one jot what I eat or when. But if they’re all out? Man I can slay a peanut butter sandwich with honey and cheese with no shame or guilt! 

I eat because I feel guilt and shame and stress and socially awkward (remember the fear I strike in the tasty core of the amuses bouches!). 

I eat because I’m sad.

I eat because it feels like love to me.

A year or so ago, we did an April fool’s gag on my daughter. One of those cling wrap on the bedroom door things. We shot the video attached, of me setting the trap and then of her coming out of her room and face-firsting into it. She was confused, then took it like a champ and we all laughed and went on with our day.

We posted the video and a bunch of people chuckled at it and liked it or whatever, but the one comment that sticks in my craw - and I mean sticks - is some stranger’s only input was to say, “somebody hide that guy’s food!”

I am not proud to say how hurt I was. I am. 

I think about it every damn day.

What I’ve described to you is an eating disorder. And I have it. I cannot control my eating easily, and one cruel comment like that can send me face first into a fucking cake to make myself feel better. 

There are many reasons I’m fat. But I know I’m fat and I needn’t be protected from that fact, nor reminded of it. I suppose I would prefer to be skinnier, to fit into old clothes, to be more versatile when casting directors are seeking an actor - it’s limiting, I know. But the effort isn’t just move more, eat less. It’s not as easy as that. 

It’s finding other ways to feel loved. Other solace for shame and sadness. Training myself to know when to stop, and how much to start with in the first place. It’s daunting, overwhelming, and those emotions drive me back to the love and security I feel in a full belly. I do need to change this, before it makes clear the ways in which it will shorten my life.

But in the meantime, I’m proud of myself for writing this. So I’ll probably go reward myself with a snack.

Or maybe I’m just thirsty.

[justanothercloudinthesky]

hello !! i’m not sure if you have all 12 requests for your match ups but i’d really like one if they are still available !!

i’d like a match up with a haikyuu male if that’s okay.

some physical attributes about me! ∑(ﾟДﾟ)

• i’m afab (assigned female at birth) and my pronouns are she/they. i’m pretty insecure about how i look but i am asian american (chinese) with my black hair down to my back (it’s recently dyed pastel purple underneath). my eyes are a dark brown with eye bags cause i’m often a night owl (my glasses help hide them a bit ;;;) !! i think my most confident feature is my shoulders (i just like how they look)!

• most people like to note how short i am (4’10) and that kind of has lead to me being a bit down about myself from many times others have pointed it out as a flaw.

• i wear glasses cause i’m extremely blind (honestly to the point that the glasses aren’t helping cause i haven’t updated them in..forever) so it’s sometimes easy to catch me squinting because i can’t read-

• i’m pretty casual with my appearance. i don’t really dabble in make up (too confusing) and when i’m lazy, i default to jeans, t-shirt and a jacket (basically comfy attire). i do adore dressing up to impress though! skirts with thigh highs, dresses with sandals and tight-form fitting clothes are my favorites in my explorative wardrobe right now.

personal attributes about me! ( •⌄• ू )✧

• i am a libra (september 25th) and a infp! i can very much seem like a extrovert at times but around strangers, i get very shy and i am a indoors person. my hobbies include gaming, hanging out with my friends, reading manga, sleeping (this sometimes can be my horrible coping mechanism when i’m upset), and scrolling online to adore the arts (writing, illustrations, music, etc.) !! art is often my outlet for expression which is why i love it! my music genre can be very expansive as i am open to many suggestions. my main genre is mostly pop (english, c-pop, j-pop, k-pop, i like them all!), video game soundtracks and some classical music!

• my love language is quality time (second and third is probably physical touch and words of affirmation)! my giving love language however is probably physical touch with how much my friends like to comment about how touchy i am.

• my pet peeves are usually people who are confrontational and arrogant. i also may be a tiny bit germaphobic so i get protective of my personal living space. i am a huge scared-y cat too (a list of my fears are: the dark, heights, spiders, doctors, storms, the horror genre, gore, and jumpscares/loud noises) so i don’t appreciate when people force me into those kinds of things.

• first things i tend to notice is probably how talkative someone is. i often times like to be the jokester in the group, either making myself or someone else into a funny comment or just tell funny stories so i can sense if someone is actively present or not. i also can notice physical boundaries (like how they hug someone) they may have since i am also a very affectionate person.

• my outlook on life is usually optimistic but i can also become heavily pessimistic easily. i struggle with a lot of self esteem issues and can be very quick to self-blame or self-sabotage. i’m a very daydream-y person and love living in my imagination (basically with rose colored glasses-), so i love believing in the good of people. i used to have a philosophy of giving love to everyone but that’s recently changed from some traumatic events i’ve gone through. i still want to be open-minded and care for people whenever i can assist because that’s just where i’ve found myself to be happy and useful. i’m very curious and unaware because i can be a bit ignorant to my surroundings, i’ve been told that it’s allowed many people to make assumptions off of my actions regardless of my intentions.

• lastly !! i love love love romance tropes and some of my top favorites are love at first sight, soulmates, mutual pining, love in school settings, friends to lovers and maybe a bit of enemies to lovers. i’d honestly love and adore the idea of being in love with someone fluffily !! i’d probably fall for someone from just the first few meetings, if they made me laugh, comments on small things that they notice about me or they just have interest in things i like! ( ๑॔˃̶◡ ˂̶๑॓)◞♡

i hope this list did okay in summing me up. if not, you’re always welcome to peek into my dms! thank you so much and i hope you’re doing well! take breaks and drink water whenever you can! - nami ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭*☆

Thank you for Checking the Weather your forecast is...

Daichi Sawamura!

So, It was incredibly hard to decide between this and second place, I genuinely thing that there's an equally matched amount of compatibility, I had my reasons for picking Daichi, but honestly, 2nd place would adore you just as much. Daichi is the strong-willed and rock-solid base of Karasuno. His level-headed plays and easy-going nature lead him to really connect with his teammates and earn their trust. He commands respect, but never abuses his power, proving himself loyal and kind. He's not afraid to keep people in line, yet has enough compassion to not be too harsh with them.

I genuinely think Daichi adores you as a partner. He'd really think you were out of his league, but would still attempt to befriend you. I don't believe he's incredibly talkative, especially while flustered (which he easily gets around you), but he often makes casual conversation. I think you'd begin to notice the small things, like him increasing the font on his notes or moving things to lower shelves intentionally.

I think that Daichi's love language is a mixture of acts of service and quality time. He is very thankful for you, and is a respectful king. I really think that he likes talking with you over a cup of tea or coffee. If you're comfortable with it, he adores giving you forehead kisses, piggyback rides or just pulling you into his arms. I very much imagine it's like the feeling of putting on fluffy socks right out of the dryer when your feet are cold.

In this relationship, I think that Daichi has a gift of grounding and encouraging you. Anytime you begin to spiral, Daichi's right there to help. You also help him with his own struggles, You calm him when he's about ready to snap and bring such a light of passion he never would've thought he deserved his lifetime. he melts if you ever hug him out of the blue. He gets so flustered when you dress up he once ran into the doorway. Sugawara laughed.

I headcanon Daichi's quite protective of you, especaily because of your optimistic nature and kind heart. He doesn't want you to be hurt while you're around him, and I imagine he sends his death-glare if anyone says anything. He protects you from anything you're scared of and if you have to face it, he holds your hand the entire time. he's honestly a sweetheart though and I genuinely believe that he just wants the absolute best for you.  

All and all, this is a super wholesome relationship, I have a feeling that Daichi will encourage you to advocate for yourself and set up boundaries, and you'll help him let loose a little. I see many dates, including ice skating and netflix w/ gummy bears. I think he'd love to surprise you, and would always give you his hoodie. He adores you, and will do absolutely anything to make you happy. 

Second: Oikawa would also absolutely adore you, I have a feeling there was a rivalry for a bit. I do think he might get on your nerves with his insensitive comments, arrogant nature (despite being insecure) and busy schedule. It's an extremely close second but He might be a little neglectful, as why I chose Daichi. However, I do think he'd treasure you as a friend, maybe never fully get over it, but he'd also want you to be happy. 

Third: Akaashi, this man. He's attentive, sweet, and would be an excellent pairing for you, I don't think that he'd make any moves though and might struggle to not be harsh. He'd genuinely care about you, and I think you and him would be some really close friends.

(on a side note, I thought it was super cool, I'm an infp too and we have similar outlooks. Even though I considered most of the cast as I always do, I was surprised how much this matchup lined up with previous ones I, myself, have gotten.)

[draiochteve]

A personal update post?

I’m doing a throwback here doing an update personal blog post. Kinda nostalgic doing this again after all this time away from tumblr, but I think it’s good to bring these thoughts into more of a public existence for historic sake. This existed and witnesses saw it. If you follow me on tumblr, a lot of this will be repeats with extra details and rambling, but there will be some new. Life is taking another shift. I’ve been hired back where I once worked, but now under sales until I get shifted to office management. How do I feel about it? Lukewarm. The money is always nice and this time the job isn’t destroying me physically. Mentally? Up in the air. Dealing with entitled customers and my anxiety with it all is a lot, but I am hoping with time I’ll adjust like it’s nothing. And with the end goal being no longer in sales, but desk work management type stuff, I’ll suffer it. It’s clear I’m heavily needed and wanted so I’m considered of value. Thankfully, I’ve learned to throw that around for leverage to set boundaries and so far they are being respected. Fingers crossed. The days are counting down until my wedding to my partner of 8 years. September 30th of next year and he’ll be living here by August at the latest. I still feel guilty dragging him out across the country to start our lives proper, but with all the circumstances, this is the best shot we have to finally getting me out of this shitty state and away from all my family. Am I taking advantage of the low ass rent and the goodwill of my family to get the best shot I have to get the best slingshot away from them I can? Yes. And while I know it’ll cause a shitshow when all gets revealed, after all they’ve put me through I consider this repayment. So where am I creatively? The best way to describe it is semi-dormant. It’s all there, lying underneath sediment of depression, exhaustion, and suffocation from my environment and my own fuck ups. I’ve self-sabotaged knowingly and unknowingly which paired with all my usual has really fucked me over. But I’ve making some changes to fuel my creativity and hopefully bear fruit once the holidays pass. For starters, I’m abandoning all word counting. When my therapist initially suggested it, she was trying to get me to see how every little bit I did contributed and meant something. And she wanted me to recognize just how much I was creating that I myself discounted. It’s helped me recognize just the sheer volume I’ve written since diving back into fic and that is something to be proud of. However, that has transformed from recognition of my hard work to competing with myself. I began beating myself up for not reaching arbitrary goals and forced myself to write a lot that I wasn’t happy with just to meet numbers. And for some people that works, but not for me. So instead, I’ve invested in a secure journal with a padlock and have begun tracking ideas instead that I wish to bring to life in some way. Stories exist in as many or as few words as they need. No word count can reasonably predict that that will be. I’ve begun working on the journal slowly, filling it with concepts and ideas I plan to write and ones I already have because it’s important to recognize my accomplishments. I have published a lot and I should be proud of that. There’s over 32 JaphRaha stories I intend to tell and well over 20+ more for other pairings, fandoms, characters, etc even if just one offs to fill a void for myself in regards to content. (I’m not going to lie, the bulk are pegging femdom fics. I’m sorry but too many characters out there deserve a good railing via the strap and NO ONE ELSE IS DOING IT so I suppose it falls to me.) Perhaps in a future post I’ll post pictures of my pages and plans, but most likely not. Just know they are plentiful and many I have yet to speak to others besides ramble’s in friend’s DMs. I have many years of my life left in me and these will be part of my legacy. Slowly but surely, they will come. And following the train of thought about legacies and leaving something for the world, I’ve been pondering greatly again about all my original fiction. I keep it under lock and key because they are born purely from myself and my experiences, but there will come a time I need to bring them to life. I’ve felt more confident and sure of myself about it than I have in years. There’s a clear desire for what I write and what I intend to make. Will I self publish? I’m not sure. A lot of the publishing world is fucked especially when it comes to sapphic stories which is a chunk of what I’m working on. Dare I brave it? I might be stubborn enough to bash some agents over the head about it, but otherwise I’m okay self publishing. Gotta think up a pen name though. Who should I be? What kind of enigmatic author will I become to the masses? Whoever I am, I’m sure y’all will be able to spot me like a volcano in the sea. Still working on mastering bookbinding for my own selfish desires binding my favorite fics, rebinding my fav books, and possibly binding my own stories. I still plan to make a zine once I’m settled and moved out and have finished the remaining pre 5.3 stories I have on my priority list. About 5 more to go? Plus a planned bonus story for the zine. Part of the project is also rewriting/re-editing some of my older JaphRaha fics so I’ll need to take some time for that. Otherwise, I’m looking forward to FINALLY doing that passion project and having it in my hands. Don’t worry, everything will be uploaded to Ao3 in a single multichaptered work eventually. But I still love the idea of it existing in the physical realm. The next year is going to be a big change for me. And it will end with me finally out of my parent’s house and away from a lot of the shit I get subjected to. Following it, I’m suppose to undergo a lot of new evaluations from my doctor and a psychiatrist (been putting it off until I’m out of here bc ofc my depression is through the roof atm) and make some plans to go from there. It’s scary, but maybe I’ll finally get proper answers. Idk how much I’ll change as a person being away as well. A lot of unknowns that I should have known a long time ago. So, here’s to the future. To the friends I’ve made and still keep near and dear who support me and my ridiculous JaphRaha rambles in their DMs. To new readers and old that I’m grateful are listening to me in the void. To bettering myself and finally getting some wiggle room to grow bigger than I ever thought possible. A lot of you have been here with my struggles and triumphs. And I hope to make everyone proud that I’ve finally escaped and am thriving. One step at a time. And every step is worth it.

[bedroom-dw3ller]

Also very very long

Mostly bf appreciation post

My bf and I will have been together for 6 months in September

If u count April when we got together if u don’t it’ll be 6 in October

Either way I’m happy he’s stuck with me for so long

My friend scared me a lot about the “three month rule” whatever that is

She says relationships fail after 3 months and I was super super paranoid but I told my bf and he said he was also scared of our relationship ending

I think the fact that we’re both scared and we both don’t want to leave each other is good

I think it means we won’t split up

I assume the three month rule exists cause the honeymoon phase ends and u see what the person is actually like

I don’t know if we ever had a honeymoon phase

When we first got together it was really painful actually

At least for me

My anxiety peaked and I was constantly afraid he would hate me for everything

But as time went on he saw more of me and I saw more of him and I feel a lot better

I’ve never gotten the “ick” from him

I think everything he does is just human

He can’t be perfect so why should I be upset when he isn’t

We’re both just people

He’s seen me have full on breakdowns and panic attacks

He’s listened to me cry and shout and he’s only ever been soft with me

The night he confessed to me I cried

I walked to his house and cried because I felt so guilty liking him back

I told him I was awful and sick and I self sabotage and push people away

He told me he still liked me and we could work through things together

The second time I freaked out was the night before prom

I used to be a major hypochondriac but I’ve gotten a lot better, he slept over that night and I woke up in the middle of the night because my lungs and chest hurt so so bad

It felt like there was melting plastic inside my rib cage

It felt like poking and burning and it hurt so bad

I woke up and I started to freak out because I convinced myself I was having a heart attack or something because of my eating disorder

I had my first panic attack in a super super long time and he was there and I felt so bad because I woke him up

He held me and I cried and hyperventilated and he talked to me and didn’t get mad

I was super embarrassed but he told me it was ok and it was nothing to be embarrassed about

Then on prom night I got drunk for three first time on an empty stomach and got super nauseous but I have emetophobia so when I get nauseous I get anxious which makes me more nauseous

He sat outside with me while I panicked

He made everything so much better that night

I cried to him on July first because we were supposed to go to a party so we bussed all the way out to it then when we got out there his ex’s friend told me his ex was there and I said I wasn’t going anymore

I wanted him to go so I tried to make him but he said there would be no point if I wasn’t there

I felt really bad for keeping him from his friends just because I was scared of his ex

I started spiraling and I yelled at him a lot

I cried while we walked back to my house and I yelled and I was awful

I don’t remember what I yelled at him for I just remember being upset that he would put me before his own enjoyment

He walked with me home in silence while I cried

I asked him if he hated me and he said he didn’t

I kept telling him to leave and go have fun but idk in the past I had told him when I’m upset I push people away and tell them to leave but I don’t want them too

I try to be as honest as possible with him because I know it’s unfair to make him read my mind so when he asked if I actually wanted him to leave I was lying

I was so mean to him that night but he stayed the whole night

One time I was really sleep deprived and I usually freak out more when I’m tired

Everything was fine but I started panicking about him leaving me

I tried so hard not to have a panic attack I ended up basically disassociating

He told me it would be easier for me if I just let it out so I did

I cried into my pillows and I told him I’m scared of him leaving

He promised to never leave me

I hope he won’t leave me still

He sticks with me through so much and I love him <3