#and like i don’t WANT a relationship bc everyone repulses me but at the same time like

[boyczar]

please remember that it is a compliment to be disliked by people. most people don’t even like themselves. think about why you even want to be liked by somebody. why do YOU like YOURSELF?? why give a fuck about whether or not somebody with so much work to do on themselves doesn’t like you? they literally do not even like themselves. they can’t genuinely “like” you.

[plutonianplaything2]

Hello! Here are some life updates!!

- We still don’t know if my foot is *actually* broken so I’m getting an MRI done 🤭

- I’m on crutches

- It’s the last month (ish) of my second to last semester of school and I am on the verge of a breakdown (Yay!!!)

- Someone who I thought I was over has been consuming my thoughts the last few days and all I want to do is cry (yes, it IS Z in case you were wondering)

- I’m in pain and over being human!!! I wish I was a rock.

-I really, really need a hug.

-I’ve been taking my antidepressants consistently so my libido is down to 0 and that’s why I haven’t been posting (sex is starting to turn me off lmfao)

Come say hi, please be nice, I am tired and fed up and just want to be babied.

[frazelforever]

hey so i have a question- you don’t have to answer if you don’t feel like talking about your sexuality. i totally understand that it’s not your job to explain yourself to everyone

please take this in the most respectful way possible, but can you explain how you’re both bi and aroace? i’ve been led to believe that those two are the opposite, but i know that labels are not like boxes to be confined by- so can you explain to me what being bi aroace means to you

Hello! 

I don’t really mind any questions about my identities bc I think it’s important to let people know what’s possible bc maybe it could help them understand themself

There are two answers!

Not personal: a lot of people identify as either oriented aroace or angled aroace, which I likely probably fall into, I just don’t care about that label too much to do any personal research into it, but if you look those terms up, a lot of people have defined them pretty well with thought out explanations on how the two differ or how they are possible 

Me specifically! So if asked to describe my aromantism, I would say romance-adverse/repulsed, because I neither feel romantic attraction nor do I want a romantic relationship (it makes me uncomfortable). My asexuality, however, is not as straight forward. No, I don’t feel sexual attraction (at least not the same way allos do), but I’m also not against a sexual relationship. It’s also why I also say I identify as allosexual in some ways, because while I don’t feel sexual attraction, it doesn’t mean that I don’t necessarily don’t want sex. I use bi(sexual) as a sort of umbrella term for all of the differing attractions I would have towards a queer platonic partner (platonic, sensual, aesthetic, etc). If we wanted to be real technical with terms, I would say I am aroallo and asexual, because my aromantism and asexuality are seperate entities, but the way I do feel attraction is directly related to my aro identity, if that makes any sort of sense. 

So um yeah! 

[electricbathsalt]

HELLO HI YOU MENTIONED CHISAKI HAVING A COMPLEX RELATIONSHIP WITH HUMANITY AND I AM HERE TO HAPPY RANT ABOUT IT

it's like 2:30am and i should have gone to bed a while ago so this is gonna be a lil incoherent probably but anyways. yes. 100% yes i love that. i have so many ideas bouncing around my head about chisaki not being human, or like getting some secondary quirk in a secondary quirk wave that *makes* him (in his eyes) less than/not quite human, and also i sometimes use it/its pronouns for him because Reasons (i am projecting my own use of it/its onto him), and I also headcanon him as a) FtMtX (third gender/maverique), b) aroallo and gay and romance-repulsed, and c) autistic + low emotional empathy, and all of those things would 100% play into having a complicated and not-entirely-positive relationship with humanity in general (and his own humanity!) ESPECIALLY given that he spent formative years in the yakuza, which is bound to be a wildly conservative organization and an environment EXTREMELY hostile to several of those core immutable traits. ykno?

anyways you mentioned him having a complex relationship to other people/humans and humanity in general like he doesn't consider himself one so that's what prompted this. also please rant back i want to hear e v e r y t h i n g

Oh my god oh my god YES!! Okay I actually just woke up (yes my sleep schedule is fucked rn) so this is most definitely not gonna be coherent either buuut bro that is SO SIMILAR TO EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKINGGG

Okay this is by far the most difficult topic for me to try to articulate/explain bc I don’t really know how to, but I will try my damndest!! Yes. I think Chisaki has a very, very complicated relationship with both his own humanity and humanity as whole, in the way that he like. Does not view himself as human, and does not think of humans as the same as him, because they are on, like, separate playing fields. It’s not that he necessarily thinks of everyone else as worthless, or that he’s above them inherently (unequal)—he believes himself to be in a sort of limbo. He is neither worthless nor worthy. He is not human, therefore he cannot adhere to the same principles and standards of humanity. He is not human, and that is why he is never treated like one.

I think he subconsciously detached himself from it. He hated how the one person he (subconsciously) thought would one day view him as human and accept him, called him a monster and outcast him, like everyone else. The one person who showed him kindness with no catch (in his mind, because… yikes). That’s when he fully accepted that he’ll never be seen as human, that he is not human, and will never be treated like something with value/emotion, like something mortal and thinking and multi-dimensional, which is why he finally decided to just take matters into his own hands, with no regard to anything else. Why follow the morals of humans if he is not one? You don’t expect a wild animal not to maul you. Because for an animal, it is necessary. There’s no malice. They hunt and kill you because they need to eat and feed and protect. Is that not him? Is he not doing all this out of necessity? To keep himself and his family alive?

(Although, he doesn’t perceive himself as an animal. Just as not human). He believes he can’t be human. He believes he can no longer allow himself to be human anyway, because being human is too large an obstacle to his goals. He has to be a monster.

And kinda on the side of how he perceives other humans—it’s like, he’s more vital than them to the plan (which is the most important thing in the world), so he is above them in the way they are pawns whereas the plan cannot happen without him and Eri. But it’s dependent on his quirk, bc without his quirk, he is no longer Overhaul, who is the one who is vital to the plan; he is just Chisaki Kai. Chisaki Kai was not vital to anything and was just some not-really-human with a debt to pay off. Chisaki Kai is not worthwhile. Chisaki Kai is below other, real humans. So it’s split—Overhaul is above everyone else (in importance, in the fact he is not human. He is a monster). Chisaki Kai is below everyone else (he is indebted and clinging to the dregs of humanity he wants to have). The common ground is that both Overhaul and Chisaki Kai are inhuman accessories to the Shie Hassaikai. The Shie Hassaikai is more important than them.

He does not yearn to be human, he yearns for the casual acceptance and belonging that comes alongside being human. Humans have never treated him like how they treat other humans. He is not human.

Uggfhhhh I can’t tell if I’m explaining this exactly how I mean it. My vocabulary is just lacking I fear 😭 I have trouble streamlining my thoughts a lot. I feel like I have more to say but no way to properly express it, I guess. Also all your headcanons are extremely real and definitely add onto this/play a part in it!! I cannot imagine that the Yakuza would be all that accepting/an at all safe environment (ah. Well. That’s not true bc I have lol. I don’t like making sad stories 💀 but in canon… definitely not. Especially with Pops’ apparent falling-out with his daughter over her marriage 😒).

I don’t know if this all is what you had in mind or not but I think it has at least some semblance to what I think some of his mindsets are. My brain is a lil fried though. Also please please please elaborate. On everything. I wanna hear all your takes

[zenballmaster]

I'd love to hear more about a Tai-Lung Shen meeting, because it sounds amazingly volatile. I cannot picture them getting along on any level.

OH BOY i'm glad you gave me this opportunity but i do have to apologize bc i just Exploded into rambling

ok so first off before anything else i have to explain that my own headcanon interpretation for tai lung is that he is shen’s opposite in a lot of ways

shen revels in being vindictive and bitter (even if after the fact it'll make him feel Worse). there is no part of him that wishes to be respected or admired over being Obeyed. he gets some sense of twisted satisfaction out of being the worst version of himself and Disappointing everyone who isn’t the soothsayer. do Not try to empathize with him! but also don’t you dare think of him as just some petty child throwing a tantrum bc his parents didn’t give him the exact gift he wanted once!! he’s a mess

tai lung on the other hand i’ve always thought very desperately wants to be admired and respected, and to be so for Being Good. he wants to be the beloved hero. but somewhere with him some lines end up crossed, and so he wishes to do heroic things, like protect the meeker and the more vulnerable, but not out of any real sense of empathy or compassion for them (not that he’s entirely aware of it, imo). he’s still inherently selfish and entitled, and unbelievably smug. he doesn’t know what it feels like to work for something he doesn’t already feel like he deserves, as i said once in a tag somewhere

still tho, objectively i think he would feel some amount of repulsion and righteous condemnation towards taking the same kind of actions shen has and does, at least when he’s not Blinded by his own emotions and entitlement

in short, he would look down on shen as nothing more than an unrepentant murderer and feel no compulsion to play nice, or to have any kind of respect for the guy. shen, being the prideful creature he is, i’m certain would find this turn of events Unacceptable

particularly and especially if he also Knew tai lung’s own history of violence, as it’d leave him feeling more furiously that tai lung was just a big ol’ hypocrite, and he’d make it his own personal mission to drag that condescending prick down to his level (the level he’s already On, in shen’s own not so humble opinion) so that he could metaphorically strip him bare in front of a mirror (shen himself) and show him just how monstrous he is, just how Alike the two of them are

additionally, but maybe kind of tangentially, when i first bumped into the kfp rpc scene back in 2013, 2014 or so, there existed a crack ship There which i still find. just. very compelling, and that crack ship was pairing tai lung and crane together. at the time there was an enduring headcanon (which i still really like) that the five were all different ages, and this particular RPer chose to portray crane as being in his 40s (another decision/headcanon i still really like)

it was a ship that mostly existed in the past, before tai lung’s uhhhh Incident, and what interactions i did glimpse implied an AU where tai lung survived the first movie and the two of them were still tiptoeing around each other, trying to figure out how to interact after all this bitterness when before they’d had such affection for each other

all this to say that my own more Specific version of this interaction playing out also had that foundation, where tai lung despite everything still has crane placed somewhat on a proverbial pedestal as an ideal for him to strive toward— strong, levelheaded and composed, but warm and responsive. he can be both sharp and sarcastic, but it’s always tempered with genuine care for loved ones and strangers alike

and shen Finds Out about that past relationship, puts some pieces together, and is able to puzzle out tai lung’s lingering Feelings. and, as shen is so wont to do, he endeavors then to ruin everything lmao

usually by going along with tai lung in emphasizing crane’s Goodness only to more viciously widen the gap between them, show tai lung just how Undeserving he is of crane’s forgiveness, should he ever choose to give it (at the time, he’s still quite cool and distant, but i imagine there’s some anger in there somewhere which tai lung is perceptive enough to Feel)

[thelasttime]

i am so happy for everyone who is out dating right now and wanting to pursue relationships with men!!! especially bc i feel like everyone who is putting themselves out there is healthy and healed enough to date again after a shitty relationship. and everyone they’ve been meeting is nice and treating them right.

however, i feel so behind. everyone is dating or wants to date and i don’t want it at all. it makes me feel underdeveloped or something idk. men just make me uncomfortable and make me feel so shitty about myself 😭 sometimes i think i’m never going to put myself out there bc i’m so afraid. 🚫🧔‍♂️

that's totally okay too!! i felt the same way last year when i was really repulsed by the idea of putting myself out there / men in general (especially after my break-up in november). you're not behind, there is no timeline to meeting people and putting yourself out there.

you're only obliged to put yourself out there if you want to and anyone who tries to make you feel like you need to go out there is wrong!! not wanting to date doesn't make you underdeveloped, it makes you mature and self-aware that you're not ready for a relationship!! which is important!! and better than forcing yourself out there without being ready!! you do you at your own pace!! sending you lots of love anon <3

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Honest question. How do you see other women who are single? Especially women older than you who are single? To me it seems you look at them with horror and repulsion. The way you talk about those "old lesbian spinsters" (in their 30s lol) you dont want to be honestly send a bit of a shiver down my spine lol. You seem like a kind person who just is drenched in self hatred and I wish you could look at yourself with kinder eyes. But I know from experience that self hatred sometimes seeps into how we perceive others. It can not be contained and ultimately we look down on others who have "flaws" we dislike in ourselves. And others can feel that even if you dont express it outright. Focussing on a self perceived flaw in yourself will make you a more unlikeable person not (only) bc it makes you seem insecure and desperate but because it makes you more unkind and judgemental to those who you probably dont want to be unkind to. Slowly but surely. Less of a judgement on my part and more of a warning because you are already down that road quite a bit from the way you express yourself.

No you’re right that was in poor taste of me to say. After I reply to this I’ll remove it. I’m sorry for putting it like that. Not an excuse I’m just filled with a lot of sadness right now.

And it’s definitely not one of those things were I view others in the same light. Like I don’t look at say a single 65 year old woman and get upset or disgusted. As long as she is happy (and honestly most of them are lol) that’s all that matters to me. I know a relationship isn’t for everyone. And I know being socialised the way I have it’s probably added to my desire for one. I don’t think everyone needs it or there is something wrong with them if they don’t have it.

This probably will sound like an excuse or not make much sense so I apologies in advance for that - but when I say things about myself it never reflects my actual beliefs and values. I’m just so upset at myself and my circumstances, in ways I can’t even articulate sometimes, that I just throw every bad word I can think of at my way. I use words to myself that I’ve never said out loud to another human being. My judgment and disdain for myself and where I feel like going is so big that sometimes it feels easier to just say ugly words at myself.

I can see how that can become a slippery slope though. Thankfully I don’t feel like I’ve entered any section where my hatred for myself reflects onto other people. It’s always an “it’s okay for them just not for me” sort of mentality. Which isn’t healthy either, but I’m glad at least it hasn’t reached a point where I project it onto other people. Hopefully if I ever do get that point enough people will pull me up so I can snap out of it.

And you are 100% correct. Hating myself definitely doesn’t make me all that appealing to others and it absolutely makes me look desperate. It’s like a cycle because when I became aware of that it just makes me hate myself more and make me look even more desperate. Like I complain about being lonely but I know ultimately it’s no one else’s fault but my own. I mean I wouldn’t want to date me either so I can’t really blame anyone else lol

But I’ll definitely work harder at not using such harsh words. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m talking about them or thinking of them in the same way I am myself. My self hatred shouldn’t became anyone else’s problem

Thank you for pointing it out to me and I am sorry again for the words I used. I hope you have a nice day 💕

[aro-but-not-ace]

follow up question… is it normal for alloromantics to never get crushes on fiction or irl and only have had like 1 or 2 throughout their whole life and be 17/18 or is that more of an aro thing? do allos get crushes more?? tbh. I see allos just “start dating” people they just met or consider their relationship romantic when just starting to talk to someone and I couldn’t do that bc I don’t get feelings like that. is that how is supposed to go like do allos not always get a strong friendship with them before anything romantic happens?… they just jump right into romance? They get full romantic crushes on celebrities and fictional characters?? they do blind dating too and I could never.. when people had crushes on me I felt panic and discomfort at reciprocating.. it’s taken me so long to get more comfortable being romantic with my partner (sometimes it feels better when I’m doing it platonic with a friend and people know it’s not actually romantic but it is fun to pretend) and I do love doing it w my partner and want to cuddle and hug and stuff but it’s still hard sometimes to do stuff like kissing and I’m scared to have people see us be romantic but maybe it’s just social anxiety. sometimes I don’t feel much towards it either and I question my romantic feelings all the time (but I also have relationship ocd so lol).. I guess looking back on everything I haven’t been too much interested in a romantic partner compared to my friends constantly getting partners and crushes.. especially on people they never even talk to. but since I love romance in media and I do love my partner romantically I feel like I can’t be aro. idk my brain feels confused bc I’m trying to think of what else bejng aro feels like and how it could it apply to me before I go saying I am

First of all, I wanted to apologize for not seeing this until AFTER I posted the first ask… my wifi has been spotty and went out after I started replying, I assume 😅

This sounds like you’re aro (or on the spectrum). That’s only based on my experience and definition of the labels, so don’t take that as gospel or anything.

I got my first actual crush when I was 17, and then I realized that all my “crushes” in the past were, indeed, fake. Though here’s a fun, ironic story: during high school, my entire friend group except for one person was arospec—but nearly all of us had no clue yet.

Therefore, whenever I asked how they felt romantic attraction, it was the same as me, so I thought I was alloro. But then I asked actual alloro people later, and they were like “no yeah, I’ve felt that ‘love at first sight’ feeling, it’s real,” and I… it just blew my mind.

I also realized I was romance repulsed at the time, and that it wasn’t a “normal” alloro experience. I had a boyfriend, and he kissed me on the cheek—it was without my consent, which was bad enough, but I felt sick the entire day. I literally wanted to curl up and never talk with him again, because I felt bad that I felt genuinely nauseous after he kissed me. It wasn’t like “oh, that was weird”—it was genuine repulsion.

After I broke up with him (I was ~15 or 16), I had no interest in dating someone else. Everyone kept asking, “when are you going to get into another relationship? Haven’t you thought of dating again?” And the answer was “no, why do you keep asking? I just want to learn about biology. We’re in biology class.”

So, my experiences are similar to yours, I think. I also have social anxiety, but I feel as if the social anxiety would rather stop someone from pursuing the attraction, rather than feeling it. When I had a crush on that one person, I still had the attraction, but I felt extremely anxious to come out and say it. And not in a normal anxious way. But that’s a story for another time.

I hope this helped and provided some bit of clarification!!

[aroaceconfessions]

Being aroace makes being in fandom so difficult bc I just do not understand shipping at all. I didn’t even know it was a thing until I found my way to Internet fandom at the start of high school. I’ve never really felt like I belong in any fandom I’m interested in bc everyone is so focused on shipping characters romantically and sexually and I’m here repulsed by both and wanting to talk about both canon characters and OCs as friends. None of the content I make gets any attention from anyone bc it’s not shippy, and I even feel like I have to push my friends around a little to get a reaction from them. Somebody sends a romantic fic in our discord and gets the whole server going on about how cute they are, I send something about my characters being friends and have to drop reminders hours later that I sent something to get one comment. Even if the two were sent around the same time. I literally think if I wrote a new low effort OC and put them in a relationship, everyone would immediately like that OC more than my main ones that I’ve put years into developing.

I just wish fandom didn’t make me feel like I need to write romance for people to like my content. I wish I didn’t feel like I need to ship my OCs to make anyone like them. I can’t write ships bc I don’t know the feelings involved, and I don’t want to bc trying would make me feel gross.

[b612sunsets]

Ahhh I’m happy to see someone else loving The Devil Judge - it truly is amazing 😭😭🖤✨ I love Yo-Han and Ga-on’s relationship I swear let them be destructive together!

I hate waiting for new episodes so please tell me one of your theories, it can be about anything! 🥰

Right?! I love it so much, it's really good to have our lilttle fam getting bigger, can't wait until it airs on Netflix, we will have even more people going crazy about it in here! (at least I hope it will become a Netflix series after the show ends like Beyon Evil - another love of mine) and yes, lawful husbands can be destructive together but only to the bad people pls 🥺

It's tough waiting for new episodes every weekend and at the same time I wish for it not to end so soon. It hasn't finished but I already want Jisung and Jinyoung in a second season or working together in another drama. Their chemistry on screen is too good to stop there

About the theories, there's a few I saw on reddit/twitter and I make my own based on it and after watching every episode, but I think it's too early to talk about them. However, since you requested it, there's some that come to mind as interesting enough to mention.

The fire and the story behind it narrated by Yohan

1- Some people think Yohan did start the fire because he found out about the dirty politicians real intentions and decided to destroy them all in the same place before Isaac could donate the money bc he is "a devil" and capable of that since he was a kid as told by the priest with the school incident and the nanny with the maid and dog thing. side note: not for pranking some kids who bullied him because that's all it seems like, right? But in terms of observing, thinking strategically and being one step ahead when needing to punish the whole classroom who wronged him even as young as he was and feeling satisfied while watching the result and staying out of it. A type of mentality probably encouraged by Isaac and the books he gave him to read, unlike a regular kid who would just fight back or endure it. And we still have to see if it really was Yohan that contributed to the maid's death or if it was something/someone else and the nanny thinks it was him.

They think that Elijah even saw him in front of the door right before the fire started and smiled at him instead of smiling at her parents, like she did in the gates of the cathedral in the previous scene, so that's why she hates him so much now because she can remember seeing him as the responsible for it. But Yohan didn't intend to kill/hurt Isaac and the rest of the family, thinking he could save them or something, and felt guilty that he couldn't do so. Some even said that Yohan delayed too much in trying to save them after entering the church and seeing Elijah getting her legs hurt, that it may have been shock but why would he remember everything and everyone so clearly if he was in shock?

It's a good theory but I have my own remarks: why wouldn't he tell Isaac about the politicians himself if he knew the dirty about them then? They had a close relationship and Isaac gave him books about punishment and everything, it wasn't like Isaac was too naive and wouldn't believe his half-brother. He wouldn't have donated if Yohan told him. "Oh he was being the devil and finding a way to punish them instead of just letting is slide and not donating" still, Yohan wouldn't risk Isaac and Elijah with such a dangerous plan if he could avoid having Isaac and Elijah at all in the destruction scene by telling Isaac about it. It could have been shock and Yohan wanting to look and commit to mind everyone's face in that day responsible for hurting his niece and not caring about anyone else but themselves, pushing him away and delaying his attempt to get to them in time, leaving Isaac and the family behind (after they almost donated them their money) and things like that. So he can avenge them now, like he did in the school with the kids. That's why as soon as he could, he canceled the donation in the most easy way by saying his brother wasn't sane enough to make that decision before dying.

There's also the theories about Isaac being the insane/evil one, which wouldn't surprise me because I've considered it since episode 3 but at the same time I'll not be touching that topic now and I don't know if I ever will unless proven otherwise in some other episode

2- The other theory I have and saw people discussing (the one I'm most inclined to believe because I'm Yohan biased but again it's too soon to be sure) is that the story Yohan narrated is mostly if not completely true and he experiences extreme guilt for not coming back and saving Isaac when the church collapsed on him, as seen in the character introduction by tvN translated in this tweet that we now know it's about Isaac:

The last words Yohan said to Isaac was that he was going to come back for him, so he experiences nightmares like the flashbacks we saw in episode 1 and that's why we don't see any scene of Isaac in the middle of the church after the fire staring at Yohan or during the fire and turning to stare directly at Yohan when he narrates it. Because they're dreams and his guilty conscience and he remembers them when looking at Gaon. The flashback of Yohan kneeling down and touching Isaac with Elijah's bear close to him could be after he got Elijah out from there and he went back to put the bear next to him kinda like a "Sorry for not coming back in time", a reassurance that his daughter for whom he died for is safe and will always stay with him, a "Goodbye". He wouldn't just let Isaac's body lying there, he would go back even if it was too late.

Another thing is that when Yohan is showing Gaon his scar after telling the story, there's a book fallen at his feet. I think it was the thing that fell when Yohan standed up from the table and choked Gaon (trying hard not to comment on that choking scene as a 🔥 Gahan moment for our delight and imagination bc that's not the point right now lol)

This is the book:

And the first page of this book says "Never again will a single story be told as though it's the only one." - John Berger

I searched about it and it can mean that never again will a story be told as if it's the only one that matters. It could also mean that never again will a story be so encompassing of the elements it tackles that no other story need be written about these elements. A story has many perspectives that cannot be understood by just a single viewpoint. Isn't that what this kdrama is all about?

One of the translations of what Yohan said after Gaon left was:

But there's also another version:

The meaning of what he said changes a bit depending on which translation is more accurate, more so when we add the book quote to the equation.

Kim Gaon and his connection to Kang Yohan

People think Gaon could be Isaac's relative in some way or just a look alike (I think it's just a look alike to contribute to Yohan's obsession/curiosity and their proximity from the start, that's why no one really comments on it, not even Gaon when he sees Isaac's picture). Dear God, let them not be related because it would make shipping our lawful husbands really strange, to say the least.

What I'd like to say and almost everyone is forgetting is that in the tvN character introduction we already have Gaon's past and know he wasn't always a goody two shoes, the man was a juvenile delinquent and can even fight (the rebellious phase he said he made the tattoo in episode 3?). He too sought revenge for his parents when he was 16 because they committed suicide after losing their money and being deceived by multi-level con artists posing as social service workers. But the teacher and Soohyun were able to hold him back.

Yohan's father could be one of the reasons for their death. He was a loan shark and might have lend them money after they lost it all and it caused them to have a great debt, that's why Yohan did a thorough research on Gaon and was interested in him (not only because he resembled his half-brother). They shared one enemy in common and maybe even a place (churches, Yohan's father tended to confess his sins in a church when his debtors killed themselves). Or Yohan might have researched about him at the time he knew Gaon was chosen to be the associate judge sitting on his left side instead of way before, because it's important to Yohan to know who he is dealing with and the dirty of their past if they have any. And then Yohan discovered everything and saw his picture and resemblance to Isaac.

The thing is: they have the same distrust/repulsion of powerful people who deceive the world and had a painful loss because of that. Both of them think they have the other exactly where they want but they get more confused about what it is that they really want from the other and get closer (as said in the summary of episode 5 that tvN released) while figuring it out. They will come to an understanding and probably join forces at some point. We saw it in the end of episode 4, the scene of episode 5 when Gaon says he can understand Yohan's pain but can't trust him if he doesn't tell him everything and then Yohan says Gaon needs to decide if he will get in his way or stay by his side. Gaon might go back to his rebellious days and stay with Yohan to seek revenge together while distancing himself from Soohyun and Jungho who prevented him from doing so

And that's about it! Thank you for your ask and hope my answer is satisfying enough! 💙 The hardest but also most awesome part is having to wait to see.

[mixterglacia]

Just A Thought:

If your automatic reaction to ace folks poking fun at how h0rny people act, or venting about fans ignoring a canon ace’s identity is:

     “UH, YOU’RE OPPRESSING ME?” You’re intentionally ignoring a sexual orientation that is quite often called the ‘Invisible Identity’? Due to people thinking ‘That is not a thing. Everyone is like that?’

     “Aces can have a libid0 too/Aces can still have sex!” Which is correct. However, that leads to a hella slippery slope. Furthering the stereotype that asexuality and celibacy are the same thing. In addition to justifying the ‘You just haven’t found the right person’ narrative. In addition to making aces with no libid0 feel even more broken. In addition to handing aphobe’s a metaphorical knife to wield. In addition to being the top excuse for making our VERY limited canon representation h0rny bc YOU want them to bang. IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO PROPERLY RESEARCH/DISCUSS THIS CONCEPT, DON’T FUCKING USE IT. IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A MASSIVE JACKASS. IT COMES OFF AS FETISHIZTION. YOU REMEMBER HOW UPSET YOU GOT WHEN BBC SHERLOCK KEPT QUEERBAITING YOU? THAT'S HOW IT FEELS.

     “It’s not like I’m making them straight? Why do you care?” My dear, sweet fool. Meet me behind the Denny’s, let’s just have a chat. I did NOT go through 28 years on this fucking mudball for you to spout shit like that. Ace rep is JUST AS MOTHER FUCKING IMPORTANT AS THE REST OF THE LGBT+. This bullshit is EXACTLY what hampers the progress that ace’s have DESPERATELY fought for.

     “You’re being unreasonable/dramatic.” Am I though? So let’s take a few examples then. Let’s hypothetically say that Toby Fox went and retconned Alphys and Undyne’s relationship so they were both straight. Like full on making one of them a cis dude. You’d be justifiably furious. Let me introduce you to Jughead from the Archie comics.

For those who are unaware, in the comics? JUGHEAD IS CONFIRMED ACE. FULL OUT ACE.

Do you understand how exciting this was for ace folks? Let me just show you how much this meant to us.

That’s just a few of the reactions to this reveal. I vividly remember when the issue dropped because like. THAT IS JUGHEAD. JUGHEAD FROM ONE OF THE MOST WELL KNOWN COMICS IN THE WESTERN WORLD. DO I NEED TO SAY MORE?

Yes. Yes I do, but not because I’m happy.

There’s a little show called Riverdale. You may have heard of how wild it is. That isn’t a compliment. Of course Jughead would have to be there, however so there was the potential of an on screen discussion of his asexuality. It was a full discussion in the comic, so I (and many others) held our breath.

Alas, it was not meant to be. They totally ignored his orientation, and made him straight.

Jughead being ace wasn’t just a popular headcanon. He was CONFIRMED ace. Are you starting to see why we aren’t just “Being dramatic?” 

As much as I dislike Hazbin Hotel, you know what I do like? I LIKE THAT ALASTOR IS WORD OF GOD CONFIRMED TOUCH-REPULSED ARO/ACE. You know what I don’t like? That the tiniest FRACTION of fanworks involving him seem to care about addressing it. 

I love The Magnus Archives. I love that John is CONFIRMED ACE. WORD OF GOD CONFIRMED. You know what I hate? How often I find that people just...don’t care. 

Once more, if this happened to any other confirmed LGBT+ character, you would be LIVID. 

So no. I am not overreacting. This is a PROBLEM. One that you don’t care to address, seemingly. 

In conclusion, you’re not just an asshole. You’re a MASSIVE asshole. You make jokes about the straights CONSTANTLY. Ace’s should have every right to mock the shit out of general fandom’s hyperfixation on making everyone h0rny. I will not be accepting criticism, but you’re welcome to try.

[epitheterasedgen]

heck it. self-indulgence time.

✨EE aspec headcanons✨

(obviously, romance mentions below! a few of the characters are Token Allos (TM))

Molly: the aroace kid who's always like "yeah I don't really get romance but I guess I'll get it when I'm older" and keeps saying that until she's almost 30 and finally someone's like "wow you've never dated before?! are you aro/ace?" and she's like "oh huh I guess I probably am" and then it's never a big deal again

she's also super grossed out by the concept of sex, even well into adulthood, which is Yet Another Reason why it is absolutely perfect for Percy to adopt her because it's just a topic that Never comes up in their household

Sylvie: honestly the only character I don't have a solid grasp on in terms of attraction, though I HC swap!Sylvie as alloaro so I guess canon Sylvie is probably the same, it's just not relevant yet since he's young and a late bloomer in terms of hormones. plus he's just focused on his work more than anything else

Gio: I fear what Jello is going to do to him in the future, bc this boy gives off the MOST oblivious aromantic vibes EVER and I know Jello's track record. but listen idc what happens in canon, Giovanni's dream future is to live with all his Boys as platonic housemates and he has no idea he's aro because romance literally isn't something he even THINKS about. he's probably also ace with the same reasoning

Mera: my Token Allo (TM). she's a die-hard hopeless romantic and moronsexual, but that's not really headcanon that's just canon I mean cmon—

Indus: it took me a stupidly long time to realize that my interpretation of Indus is just "romance-positive partnering aro" because that's not a genre I dip into a lot but it sure fits him. he doesn't really! understand romance?? or actually feel "romantic" attraction. but he likes Lady Mera and he'd do anything to make her happy! :D so if she wants him to bring her flowers and a candlelit dinner, he'll do it!! she just better be prepared for him to pick a bunch of dandelion weeds and accidentally set the table on fire

...actually now that I'm typing this out, it explains why Mera/Indus bothers me so much less than other ships aghasdkflgh

Percy: realistically she's just the Oblivious Aroace (TM) along with Giovanni. same as Gio she has no idea she's aroace because it's just not even something she Thinks about, but if someone gave her a vocabulary lesson she'd be like "oh yes that fits me :)" and continue to not perceive romantic advancements even if they hit her in the face. she's already married to JUSTICE, sorry everyone <3

(I portray her as more apothiromantic/romance-repulsed on my RP blog but that's just because projecting onto Percy is cheaper than therapy)

Ramsey: ok highkey my headcanons on Ramsey shift depending on the AU (don't ask how many AUs I have hahaha) but normally he falls somewhere in the range of "allo ally" who Knows All The Terms (from spending so much time online) and is probably the person who gives Percy a vocabulary lesson despite being allo himself

Zora: as much as I'd LOVE to see an aspec Zora, I think she'd look and act a bit different from canon Zora. I swear I didn't mean to make both main antagonists the Token Allos, but they're also the ones most fans want to date so y'know what, whatever. I personally think cowboys are overrated but y'all go crazy

Howie: CANON AROACE KING... specifically I imagine him as anti-romance, not because it repulses him, but because all that time you waste on "love" could be used for DOING YOUR JOB!!! (in a serious setting I'd say Howie isn't ideal aro rep bc he embodies a lot of negative stereotypes about aros, but EE is a comedy and people need to lighten up about the fact that EVERYONE is gonna have weirdly exaggerated personality traits; the show literally wouldn't be funny if they didn't; seriously guys leave Jello alone about the rep)

Meryl: ok she's not in EE but this is MY blog and I pick the comfort characters! anyway Meryl experiences a lot of alterous attraction AKA she has trouble distinguishing between very different forms of attraction (platonic/romantic/sensual/sexual/ect.) and they all just sorta blur together into one big Anxious Mess (TM). as opposed to Percy and Gio, she spends a LOT of time thinking about this and trying to figure out What she's feeling, but it never helps and at this point she's pretty much given up trying. she just needs a hug ok

in various AUs I've put her in romantic, platonic, QPP, and co-parental relationships, and she's pretty much happy with whatever :)

Eros: I feel the need to include him because I included Meryl, also bc while he is allo as heck and has definitely dated in the past, he's also just a super uplifting guy who uses flirting as a form of affection and to make people feel good. he's one of those "somehow weirdly pure" characters because he's so unabashed about everything and most of his flirting is sphallolalia, which is one of my new favorite words I just learned and means "flirting that leads nowhere." he also just has a deep appreciation for a good laugh, and a lot of his joke wells are pickup lines!

[sakkac]

goodbye, sadon! is so so good… every time i start thinking abt this manhwa i have to restrain myself so i don’t claw at the walls and moan. the way han-eol said he wanted to go into stocks in chapter 35 bc these are “mundane thoughts of someone living their second life” and then mirim and da-ae casually reveal his success like it’s been known. the way da-ae thinks to herself in chapter 73, about how she’s so happy about her life now that she seemingly came back to life, got the same job again, get married to her unrequited crush of eight years, and saw mirim and tae-gang reunite, but she doesn’t want to tell her husband han-eol she’s happy because she wants to have more fun looking at how pitiful he is. and then like, mirim and tae-gang’s miscommunication being solved in such a dramatic manner, bc it’s been bottled up for so so long and the contrast between that and how sincerely, gently han-eol handles da-ae’s memory loss. and how everyone on the street got involved in mirim and tae-gang’s drama and thought it was a kdrama scene and STILL got invested. the way han-eol and da-ae are consistently repulsed by high school drama and its students because they’re adults.. the way han-eol and da-ae continually build on their relationship and keep affirming how they feel about with each other to avoid long-standing misunderstandings, unlike their first lives. sooo good

and da-ae and mirim are such cute characters to me, i love how you can tell they’re sisters bc of their stubbornness and fast emotions, but they’re their own ppl, like da-ae knows when to let down her pride and was softened by han-eul’s calculative personality. han-eul and tae-gang are cute too… tae-gang is like the sweet boy you dream about in high school, but he’s so sweet it becomes his flaw in how he assumes everything is his fault when faults are shared. han-eul in the past was annoying, but what makes him cute is how he acknowledges it now and keeps trying to change. he gets stuck in his mind sometimes, but that’s realistic. he’s also more vocal about his desires than he was before, like how he ensures that da-ae knows he wants to be by her side as long as he can be, and she’s a part of his life and personality now. just look at the amount of times he replies to da-ae’s teasing with “but you made me this way.” all because of how she would tease him in their second high school life.. he is so insane and so in love??

and the scene in chapter 74 that goes like, 

“… don’t you think it’s a small price to pay [for mirim and tae-gang’s lives and happiness]?”

“is that how you truly feel? even though you’re the one who has to suffer because you lost your memories?”

“that’s true, but what about you? you … lost the person you’ve loved for the past eight years.”

INSANE!!!! reading this scene made me realize that da-ae may have lost her memories, but she is sooo that person han-eol loved. the amount of empathy she has is so heartbreaking to me too, because we already know she loves han-eol, but this version of him is someone she still has to get used to. but she sees him struggling and she wants to help him... plus da-ae’s eight years of yearning and han-eol’s eight years of love lost. chapter 48′s “if i long for you … i’ll come to understand the feelings you’ve harbored for me over the years.” girl help? i have so much love for this couple. it’s so cute how they can now lightheartedly talk about da-ae’s memory loss and make plans for the future, with or without it. bc they love each other.. they love each other and i love them.. 

these stupid little fictional ppl have too much impact on my emotions </3 another reader mentioned that park gyogyo is really good at reveals, like the kissing scene between chapters 29 and 30 belatedly showed up in two other chapters so im hoping we’ll get da-ae and han-eol’s wedding too, bc there’s a tease in chapter 28. hopefully, park gyogyo juxtaposes the vow renewal with the wedding, if they do the vow renewal for the last chapter <3333

[transgenderer]

I don’t have any followers. Maybe like, 3 idr, at least one was prob a bot.

I have been reblogging with comments for a bit now, but if I click the post, I don’t see my comments anywhere. I feel like Twitter is kinda bad but like I get replies to my replies on Twitter but I never get any response to anything I’ve ever posted on Tumblr.

Also, I think I get what you mean about fake bi. I feel like I’m nominally hetero but my only relationship was same-sex (I feel like this is kinda weird bc sex is not the current term, but saying homo also felt weird, idk), but I didn’t like, do anything—kinda a fake relationship tbh but I still feel like it was meaningful idk. Also, like I find a lot of sexual stuff like repulsive but idk if that’s really ace or whatever bc everyone I know / read describes it as long nothing and if I had 0 reaction, I wouldn’t have a problem, it’s precisely that it’s not 0 impact that makes it so repulsive. Like it’s violating my desire to be totally self-managed—idk I was going to say self-control but self-control like usually means controlling actions not thoughts but the whole point is I like my thoughts controlled. Kinda a tangent but like the point is I feel like the easiest way to solve being bi or not is to like have sex with both women and men and that’s not really an option for my current self-concept—also if I changed genders it would all reverse but kinda irrelevant, idk, it was a thought i had while typing

At this point I’m kinda diary blogging (idk if I’m using that right tbh) on your blog, very unfair of me, but I feel like it requires a certain level of not caring about other people to inflict yourself as a distinct consciousness on them—like if you really cared you would wait for them to talk to you, you doing it unasked is just putting yourself above them—long ways of saying I feel kinda bad about sending this ask but not enough to, like not do it, yanno

I don’t really have a point, ig I just feel like engaging in a kind of stilted conversation—idk if I’m like lonely, every-time I talk to people for real I hate it and them and people generally but like I’m sending this, so obviously not living my principles strictly

hmm, the comments are like, in the middle thingy

^ the comments.

anyway, being sex repulsed is definitely like, A Thing, altho not a thing i know a lot abt. its just how some people are, but some people want to and can change it i think? idk

anyway dont worry about sending me asks! if i find an ask boring or cant think of a response or w/e i just delete it so like. no skin off my back yknow!

and yeah i get it in a i-hate-everybody headspace sometimes, its usually way less bad when i talk with people in person

[honey-hippie-harper]

through the bleeding shell (Re-upload)

This was @obsidianfr3sk ‘s Feel Better gift asfghadsfghadfsghja. It turned out to be pretty depressing in the end bc idk how to write happy stuff but my good intentions were there, ok?

This is a Humon/Renegays fic :’). Which, basically, is about how the Renegays didn’t kiss during the trilogy...sort of. I can’t think of an specific reason why they didn’t besides bad writing and queerbaiting, but I’ve always seen Hugh as this...detached entity. Idk x’d. He shows a pretty dense attitude. And so, I thought that it was partly the reason why they’re not that affective during the trilogy. Not that they aren’t on a daily basis. I just think their relationship was in a bad place when the events happened, because, among other things, Hugh wasn’t grieving Georgia in a healthy way (I headcanon them as best friends </3) and wouldn’t allow Simon to help him. 

idk why I felt the need to talk about that.

tag list (tell me if you want to be in or out): @healing-winston-pratt @obsidianfr3sk @nodrianbcyes @alecjamesartino @everyone-has-a-nightmare @razzmooncake

through the bleeding shell

Being around someone for so long…

It allowed you to know things. Some of them important.

Others, not so much.

Simon had married a person he had been around his entire life; he had slept next to him almost every single day since he was very young. And his name was Hugh Everhart.

Simon knew every spot on Hugh’s body; he knew every mole, every random sun freckle here and there; how his body mass seemed to be well-distributed at plain sight but, in reality, his chest was naturally wider than the rest of his body, as if he had been born with the figure of a baseball player; how he scratched his nose because wrinkling it so much while laughing made it itchy; he knew the way his knuckles turned yellow when he turned them into a fist; he knew there was one single scar below his rib cage area…

He knew everything he had to know about Hugh Everhart, his husband, whom he loved so much that sometimes it hurt.

Yet, Simon was yet to know how and why, lately, he was so cold, despite still being a human furnace who was sometimes annoyed by the blanket on winter nights.

Kasumi frowned, and Simon wished she were misunderstanding, but whatever thing she was thinking, she was probably right.

Cold was a pretty wide term, which could basically mean anything. Being brutally honest, not even he knew what he was trying to convey by using that word, so he supposed he was referring to anything it could express, as a whole.

Thinking about it… yeah.

That option sounded about right.

Another thing that sounded about right, was the idea of Kasumi judging him because of it, which was something Simon knew wasn’t true and, instead, it was just his anxiety trying to ruin his day even more. But sometimes things were like that. He tried to avoid it, but never managed to do such thing. Ever.

“Not to be rude or anything.” She started, but before proceeding she seemed to realize that, maybe, that hadn’t sounded as intended, and her cheeks became extremely flushed, until Kasumi looked like she had ran under the burning sun while wearing a wool sweater for hours. “Really, Si. I don’t mean to be rude. As in...I’m...telling you this...so you think…”

She clicked her tongue, and then both Tamaya, who was also in the room, and him, stared at her as she talked to herself under her breath, making a couple of hand movements, as if she were writing her sentence in the air so she could phrase it correctly.

Sometimes, when Kasumi was nervous, she tended to struggle at putting her ideas together in a gentle, polite manner.

“...I was telling you that, so you don’t think I’m trying to offend you or minimize your pain.” She corrected herself. “Yeah?”

“...Yeah.” Simon nodded.

“Well…” Kasumi rubbed her hands together, more as a distraction than as an actual mannerism. “You know I’ve...never understood. Back at home...when we all lived together and...ugh. You know? Just...don’t mind me. Tam, you tell him.”

“No, no. What you’re saying is important too.”

“I want to listen to you, Zoomie.”

Upon the two pairs of eyes in the room being fixated on her, Kasumi kept fidgeting with the paper cone she now had between her hands, absently.

“Fine.” She whispered in a breathy voice, and then she stared at Simon, who stared back, not because he wanted to be polite or something like that, but because he genuinely wanted to listen to her.

Kasumi wasn’t a talker. That wasn’t an exaggeration or an act of fake modesty. It was just that Kasumi didn’t enjoy a lot of things, and one of them was speaking, to the point where sometimes she didn’t consider it necessary. There were days when she just...didn’t feel like speaking. And she didn’t. Because she didn’t want to. Because she didn’t need to. Because people could understand her anyway.

Still, everyone was willing to listen when she felt there was something she had to explain in a way that was verbal.

“I love my husband very much.” She said, placing a lock of hair behind her ear. “But, still, sex it’s not...a huge part of our relationship because I’ve never understood. When you joked about it back at home, I would just assume you were just doing that. Joking. I...literally didn’t expect you were serious when you talked about experiencing that type of attraction. Because I didn’t. And it’s not that I think it’s repulsive or anything like that. I just don’t get what the fuss is about. When I’m with him...it’s...usually not my first option. To think about that, I mean. And he understands and respects that, which I appreciate a lot.”

The more she spoke, the more confident her tone became. It meant she was growing more comfortable with the conversation, and that her train of thought was getting itself together, nice and slowly.

As for Simon...he was strangely comfortable, too, because this felt like a mature, adult conversation to him. Like a safe space.

After all, he was serious when he told them he needed to talk (now that Evander wasn’t here, because Evander was...not very sensitive). Hence, he was very glad they were being serious about it too.

“I understand that Hugh’s not in the spectrum.” Kasumi cleared her throat. “But...sexuality is fluid. Maybe, if you were talking about only that, it could be a good idea to talk it over. Only if he wants to, of course, because you never know; again, we can’t just assume, because one cannot do that. It’s rude. But what I mean...it’s that, whatever that’s going on in his head, maybe he’s trying to figure it out by himself. It might have nothing to do with his sexuality at all, actually, because, after all, that was just a comment...but it all comes back to the same point. Maybe he just...needs time.”

“Hugh’s pretty dense, Simon.” Simon saw the steamy cup in front of him, but he didn’t realize what it was until the smell of black coffee reached his nostrils. He hadn’t even noticed Tamaya was making coffee.

“Thank you.” He whispered anyway, as Tamaya leaned against the table, putting her weight on her elbows.

For all he knew, and all he cared about, it was pretty easy for people to judge Tamaya and label her as a bad person; she was quiet, although not in the way Kasumi was. On the contrary, she was rather serious, and her resting face was more intimidating than it was warm or welcoming. She was also really bad at controlling her temper, which didn’t help at all, but she wasn’t as bad as people wanted to portray her, or as bad as the recruits talked about her in the halls. Because, when it came to the recruits, Tamaya was strict, yes.

But somebody had to be, because being a Renegade was not a game, and the great majority of the advice she gave was extremely useful and clever.

Tamaya was caring.

Deep, very deep down. But she was.

“He’s pretty dense, but…” She sighed. “Most of the time, that’s not his fault. It’s not a good thing either. It’s not healthy for him and we shouldn’t condone it...but yeah. He can be pretty dense sometimes. He’s like that, most of the time it’s not his fault but...I don’t think you should feel like it’s yours either.”

Simon couldn’t help but flinch a little.

The thing was...he knew that.

It might’ve sounded crazy coming from him, but he knew it wasn’t his fault, even if his anxiety was determined to convince him otherwise.

Also, he was one to know that one couldn’t just fix a person. That’s not how mental health worked; of course, a romantic relationship or a relationship of any kind was a huge source of support and stability, but he knew it wasn’t enough to “heal” a person.

He knew about that, just like he knew that Hugh loved him and he loved Hugh, but that didn’t mean they could fix each other. They could make it a little better, yes; hold each other when things were rough; let the other know they weren’t alone.

But…”fixing” the other.

Not really.

They were humans.

They were people.

And the only thing people could fix, were objects, not other people.

“Like Kasumi said, sexuality is fluid, but it might as well not have to do anything with that.” Tamaya continued. Her voice sounded...soothing, strangely motherly. And she was calm.

Very calm.

It reminded Simon of someone.

They both reminded him of someone.

“Hubby and I, we both experience sexual attraction. It’s an important part of our relationship, and we enjoy it, but sometimes it’s just not the right time. He’s a doctor, I’m a Renegade Council member, and we have three wonderful boys together. Sometimes we don’t have time, so we just sit by the balcony to stargaze, holding hands, or we go out on dates like high school sweethearts, and I stand by the doorframe waiting for him to tell me I look pretty.”

Simon laughed a little.

It was evident she was trying to play it off as something dumb, but he found it absolutely adorable.

“And sometimes I’m too tired or he’s too tired, and that’s normal. It’s not our fault, and it doesn’t mean that we love each other less because…”

“Having sex doesn’t define love.” Kasumi said, and Tamaya nodded.

“Exactly.”

But again.

Again.

Simon knew that.

He really knew.

Hugh and him had busy schedules too. They both were Renegade Council members, and Hugh had it worse because not only was he a member, but also the leader of the Council. He had to be everywhere, at the same time, and people tended to think that just because he was invincible, it meant he didn’t have the right to feel emotionally drained, or at least tired.

Of course he was going to be tired.

He wasn’t a robot.

Hence, Simon understood what they were trying to say, and he agreed with Kasumi and Tamaya.

But the problem was…

He wasn’t referring just to that.

It was...part of the problem, yes.

But now that he knew their opinion about it, he had come to the realization that he still felt...empty and lost. And just...frustrated.

“We’re not only talking about sex, are we?” Tamaya asked carefully, and Simon refused to stare back at her, as he took a sip from his coffee, before answering:

“I’m afraid not.”

“Well...If you’re telling us this, it’s because you do want to talk about it, right?”

“I do. Yes.”

“Well. We’re listening.”

At the same time Tamaya spoke, a cold, little hand, laced between Simon’s.

A hand that felt like the sea and, even if he hadn’t known she was the only person in the room besides Tamaya and him, he would’ve recognized it as Kasumi’s.

So Simon squeezed her hand back.

“We’re listening, Si.” She confirmed. “We’re here for you.”

He knew that, and it was something he was extremely grateful about.

Now he just had to figure out how to put into words what he was feeling, because at this point it felt impossible for him to know.

There were just...so many things, but at the same time such a limited number of details he could recall.

It just felt...unreal.

And weird.

Very weird.

But Simon didn’t feel numb, unlike anyone would’ve expected from him.

In fact, he felt so sad he couldn’t even cry.

And it was the worst feeling ever.

“I don’t know.” He said, in a hoarse voice. “I just...don’t know anymore. It’s just...I…”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know.” He clarified. “...But maybe that’s why I don’t know what it is.”

For the shortest second, Simon came to the realization he was talking to himself instead of talking to them, or perhaps it was something that, deep down, was giving him the answer to why this whole situation was making him so uneasy and upset. Like, of course it was making him this upset. It was his husband they were talking about. Hugh was his fight. Hugh was…

Simon didn’t know.

But what he did know was that, maybe, it had nothing to do with himself, and that’s why he just couldn’t…

He just couldn’t understand.

Why couldn’t he understand?

Why did it have to be like this?

“I want to know what it is.” Simon took a deep breath, trying to make himself understood; trying to make them understand what he couldn’t. “...So I can...make it better...So I can...help him. So we can...look for help together.”

Simon scratched his brow with his free hand.

“But he’s just… so cold. He doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t come closer. He doesn’t...do anything. We don’t do anything. And I can’t help but feel like...he’s not here, even though he’s…” Simon scoffed, painfully. “...He’s right there, in front of my face.”

His eyes became fixated on a blank point, as if he were staring at an invisible Hugh, who wasn’t staring back at him.

“And I want him to...tell me. Because if he doesn’t tell me, then I have no way to know what’s wrong. And if I don’t know what’s wrong...then I don’t know for how long I can take it, you know? It’s just...I can’t bear to stand there as he pushes me away.”

Kasumi started running her thumb through his knuckles, and Simon felt Tamaya’s hands on his shoulders, massaging them, gently.

“I’m just scared...that when he finally wants me to come closer again, it might be too late...and maybe I won’t want to come closer again.”

Tamaya’s hands stopped moving for a moment, and Simon could almost feel her and Kasumi’s shock. He hadn’t even planned to say that. It just slipped.

And when Simon noticed it had slipped, it was far too late for him to hold it back.

“Maybe you should talk to him, after all.” Kasumi said, slowly, and Simon stared into her eyes.

He didn’t realize that was the thing he didn’t want to hear until he felt nothing but hopelessness.

Emptiness.

Fear.

A type of fear that became more intense in the moment they heard the door opening, and that’s when Simon saw him.

Hugh was standing right there, staring, and when his eyes laid on Simon, he arched an eyebrow, looking genuinely confused and worried.

“What’s happening here?” He asked. “...Si? Are you okay?”

Are you?

Simon didn’t want to answer. He really didn’t.

He didn’t want this to be about him.

He didn’t want Hugh asking him what was wrong if, harsh as it sounded, everything that was making him uncomfortable or upset had to do with him, not because Simon was blaming him, but because he was genuinely worried.

Let me help, Hugh.

“I’m...fine.”

Let me in.

“...Yeah. I’m...fine.”

Please, love.

Let me in.

Simon could see him hurting, but where he saw hurt, Hugh saw some type of burden that was meant to be concealed, committing treason against his own advice; dodging the sound of the voice of a younger Hugh, who guided a younger Simon through the dark, telling him it was alright.

That pain was alright.

And that pain didn’t make him less human.

Hugh’s pain, in particular, was a grey, bleeding shell that was so thick Simon couldn’t find a way to get in, and Hugh couldn’t find a way to get out.

So they just pressed their palms together through the bleeding shell, staring at each other's eyes through a polarized surface, that stopped their skin from touching, and stopped their lips from finding the other.

And the worst thing...was that Simon was craving that. He craved Hugh’s lips. He craved everything physical about him, just like he craved everything that wasn’t physical too. And he craved him so much he felt like dying every time he was close. He craved him so much it made him feel like a teenager again.

Which, in his case, wasn’t a good thing.

He wished it was.

But...teenage years weren’t fun if you had to spend them trapped in a closet. Things were never good when lived from inside a closet.

He didn’t want his life outside that closet to be like that too.

“Did you have an attack? ...Si, did you take your pills? … You did, right?”

“Hugh.” Simon heard Tamaya’s voice. “Is there...something that you needed?”

Hugh blinked, knowing that, maybe, he had interrupted something.

Mostly because it wasn’t like Tamaya was trying to hide it either.

“...Yeah.” He said, resting his arms on the nearest chair.

Tamaya pulled away from Simon, and Kasumi let go of his hand. They didn’t become fully focused, nor did they put on their “I’m working” mode either, but they did manage to...pretend. Even Simon managed to do so.

“Uh...I…” Hugh snapped his fingers in front of his own face, trying to remember what was it that he had to say.

“....Yeah.” He concluded. “Yeah. Uh… Tam. I need you to head downtown because they want you to supervise some of the floats for the parade. From...up, I mean. So you can check some of the details. I already checked from the ground and everything’s looking good, but now they want you to give them the green light.”

“Right now?”

“Preferably.” Hugh scratched his nose. “Were you...in the middle of something?”

Tamaya filled her cheeks with air, and then let it out, making a little trumpet with her lips.

“No.” She lied. “It’s fine. I’ll go. Just let me put some stuff in my locker, alright?”

“Be careful when you fly, okay? It’s kinda hot outside. If you get dizzy...”

“If I get dizzy, I’ll land. I know. I’m the one who’s flying.”  

Given that she was already heading by the door, Tamaya patted his shoulder, and they said goodbye with a very polite kiss on the cheek, before Tamaya left the room completely, and Hugh drew his attention towards Kasumi.

“Margaret White is acting out.”

Kasumi frowned. Deeply.

“Margaret...what?”

“Uh. White? You know? The Renegades’ ward? The kid?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who Maggie is.” Kasumi waved her hands in front of her own face. “...Who named her that?”

“Who named her what?”

“White. Who on Earth…?” Kasumi clicked her tongue. “Nevermind, okay? Just...what did she do?”

“Zoomie, I had already told you.” Hugh laughed, confused.

“I thought you were being rude, Hugh.”

Margaret White was the Renegades’ protégé. Her powers consisted of detecting and attracting metals which, evidently, was not something that was out of this world. In fact, she had been recruited at such a young age not because she had extraordinary abilities, but because she was problematic as heck.

She was Max’s age, more or less but, unlike Max, Margaret had no chill.

Her life was ruined from the moment somebody saw her and decided that White was a suitable last name for her, Tamaya used to say.

Margaret’s skin was tan, and she had slanted eyes. Naming her “White” almost seemed like a tasteless joke.

Simon himself thought Hugh was just being disrespectful the first time he told him her name, and he had to hear it a couple of times before he just...accepted he was serious (and that Hugh himself didn’t seem to like the idea of her being named like that very much).

Maggie was really problematic. For real. She had been kicked out of a couple of orphanages already, and maybe she would have been kicked out of this one too, if it hadn’t been a prodigy orphanage, which happened to be under Kasumi’s management, meaning it was directly related to the Council. And they were supposed to make sure nobody got kicked out of there.

Simon liked Maggie, because he knew that there was a chance that everything she ever did had reason behind it. An emotional reason. Perhaps she wanted love. Perhaps she wanted attention.

Perhaps she just…

Wanted someone who didn’t give up on her at the minimum inconvenience.

So he just...tried not to.

Hard as it was, because Maggie tended to make it hard; Kasumi had tried to canalize her to a psychologist many times, but her response always was that “she wasn’t crazy” (perhaps because kids her age were mean and “crazy” was one of their favorite words to use as an insult) and...well...part of the process in children, was understanding when it was the right time and when it wasn’t.

Sometimes forcing kids into treatment made it worse, and Maggie was pretty mature for her age, while painfully childish at the same time. Respecting her space and giving her time was their only option, if they didn’t want to turn her into a ticking bomb.

“Are you for real? I’ve been addressing her like that for like…”

“Just tell me what the little bundle of joy did now.”

“Pff.” Hugh scoffed. “Bundle of joy.”

Then, he cleared his throat the moment Kasumi fixed a glare at him.

“Well...the usual. She stole something from one of the nannies, Carrietta Ferland saw her and she locked her in a cellar so she wouldn’t say anything.”

“She locked Carrietta Ferland in a cellar.” Kasumi rubbed her forehead, and before she left the meeting room, she squeezed Simon’s wrist.

She didn’t say goodbye to Hugh.

Simon didn’t, either, when he excused himself under the sort of cheap white lie he needed to wash his face.

-.-

But one could only wash their face so much, before their partner suspected.

When Simon didn’t come back, Hugh didn’t go after him. He never did at first.

As in…

Hugh always went after him, just not at first; over time, Simon had grown to accept it wasn’t a pride thing.

When Hugh left, he never wanted anyone to go after him, and he was the type to believe that just because he didn’t want something, it meant nobody wanted it; Simon had gotten used to it, because Hugh was his husband, and they accepted each other just like they were.

What Simon refused to accept, was the bleeding shell Hugh was inside of.

He hated it.

He despised it, especially at night. It would grow around Hugh in slow motion, and then he would bleed through, and the whole room would turn red, overflowing it with unspoken, suffocated anger and pain.

Hugh turned his back at Simon that night, so Simon turned his back at him too, not because he was mad, but because he didn’t feel like staring at Hugh’s back today.

Their room became as cold as an industrial fridge, as they both fell deep into the notion the other was not asleep, and that they both were listening to the sound of a room that was currently filled with deathly silence.

Deathly as the bone-chilling cold penetrating their limbs, their organs, and their everything.

Deathly as…

Deathly as feelings.

All the stored feelings, and the way Simon craved something he knew was right there.

Hugh was right there. Right next to him. And his body, which he knew so well, was laying next to him, turning his back at him, with every mole, every sun freckle, a chest wider than the rest of his body…

And one single scar below his rib cage.

The same rib cage that protected his heart.

Say something, Simon.

The same heart Simon had felt beating so many times.

Say something.

Anything.

Maybe…

Maybe this had a reason too.

An emotional reason.

Perhaps love. Or attention.

Say something. Anything.

Because you do go after people from the very first moment.

Slowly, as if he had never moved before in his life, Simon rolled to the other side, and as his trembling hand rested on Hugh’s arm, he became alert, awake as they both were, and he looked over his shoulder.

“Hugh?” Simon asked, the name leaving a familiar firm in his mouth that tasted like home.

He didn’t answer, because that was his name. Hence, he knew he was trying to talk to him.

“Come here, Hugh.”

And Hugh came over, hesitantly, rolling to his side too, as they faced each other, and Simon ran his finger through his face, just...exploring every spot he already knew, as if he were visiting his comfort place, of his favorite bench in the park.

His blue eyes seemed to shine in the darkness, and Simon felt he could’ve gotten lost in them and never come back.

But he didn’t get lost.

Because he had to find the love of his life first.

“I’m never giving up on you.” He whispered. “...you know that, right?”

Perhaps he didn’t.

But, on the other hand, perhaps he did. And Simon was left with nothing but the mere hope it had meant something.

“I’m never giving up on you either, Si.”

But Simon did know that.

Boy.

Did he know.

-.-

What he didn’t know, however, was the answer to the what.

He wondered what that had felt like.

He wondered what Nightmare had felt when, the morning after, she tried to shoot Hugh in the eye from a roof.

Not because he were mad at her.

No. Not really.

She was young after all.

He just wondered what she had felt.

[suometar]

Hi, weird anon here again :) Thank you so much for the kind words, you're really lovely :) And obviously I have more questions ;)

I think I get the sexual attraction now, thank you, although I have to say it still seems kinda fake ;P

In a way I can relate to the mental vs physical attraction, although neither makes me want to do anything sexual. There are some people I just find gorgeous and I like to look at them and that's it, and there are some that I'm interested in for some other reason and once I know them better I may also find them attractive. Like for example Tom - I'd seen him (and Loki) around on my dash many times and never looked twice at him until I watched the Avengers and Loki turned out to be so fascinating. And that's actually how 99% of my celebrity crushes happened lol, I fell for the characters first, actors second.

So, would you say that this mental thing could be like romantic attraction? The kind that makes you want to know the person better but not jump into bed with them right away? I can imagine how it works regarding a specific person, I've read enough fanfiction for that, but how the heck do I determine which gender in general am I romantically attracted to? I can find both men and women beautiful but that alone is not attraction, right? Do other people even differentiate the two or do the sexual and romantic attraction go neatly together?

Hi!

Worry not, you're not weird at all here in my blog! I'm anything but normal myself 😄 Besides, normal is way overrated imo!

And thank you 🙂 I'm always kind to everyone who's being nice at me - what goes around comes around.

Haha, you just have to trust me on that sexual attraction is a very real thing 😂

Same goes for me too with celeb crushes, it's always the role/music/work first, then the person behind it. Well, that's probably kinda obvious, we wouldn't know them otherwise at all.

I think romantic attraction is a good term for the mental attraction I mentioned. Yes, it is exactly like that, wanting to get to know the person better first before getting into more intimate interactions. But it doesn't always evolve into sexual attraction either. You just might find the person interesting on mental level and rather have a friendship with them than anything else. Sometimes it's unfortunately the only option you have too - and sometimes it's a mutual decision even though you both are sexually attracted to each other. I have a bittersweet experience on the later.

No, just finding someone beautiful isn't actual attraction in my opinion. I can for example clearly see that Chris Evans is gorgeous but that's it. He doesn't ring any of my bells. At all. Or basically any female celebs either. Nothing happens when I see them even though I see many of them as being beautiful.

I think most people do differentiate the two, or at least they should know the difference. It's then again another thing if they can tell the difference or if they have the self-awareness to recognise which one they're feeling. Because those two can be tricky to tell apart if you lack that. Especially bc we're usually wired on the sexual way first and it overrides the mental attraction at least in the beginning.

Feeling sexual attraction does make it easier to figure out what gender you prefer.

Then again as I'm bisexual and have always been I honestly don't know how that really works with people who have a preference on gender. While I can differentiate the ways I'm attracted to men and women very distinctively, in real life, with real flesh and blood people, gender doesn't really play a significant role to me when it comes to attraction. It's one thing to get attracted to a bypasser but when I'm serious about any relationship I always get to know the person first and then if I get attracted to them, it's because who they are, what they think, what they value and so on. I'm always drawn in by the brain, so I'm clearly a sapiosexual as well :D Gender is only a part of the equation to me and not a very important one at that.

What I then project online is exactly bc of the sexual attraction I have towards men, so I might appear not bi. But as usual, what you see online about someone isn't everything.

I could imagine that if you had a preference you'd find an idea of having sexual relations with the other gender(s) somewhat uncomfortable maybe? Like for example to a hetero man even the idea of having a sexual relationship with another man wouldn't definitely feel good at all, it would be repulsive in fact, and that then clearly underlines what their preference is.

That said, I get it that if you're indeed asexual there's not even that to help you.

Maybe you have already thought of these but to me two questions come to mind that might help at least to some extent:

Do you find it uncomfortable thought if you didn't have a specific preference on the gender of the person you're attracted to? And is gender or the looks in fact at all a reason for you being attracted to someone? That it might be totally something else instead, like who that person is as a human being?

I don't think that sexual attraction is at all required at first, as I experience it that way irl. That maybe it's just that you don't feel attraction by looks at all and you too get attracted by the mental side. Which could explain that you see and recognise beautiful people but don't get attracted to them.

Obviously, these are just my views based on what you've told me, so don't take it as the ultimate truth 🙂

Like I said, to me it has always been clear what my orientation is and I'm not familiar with really figuring out this particular thing. But I'm always in for helping others figure it out the best I can! I have gone through extensive self-exploration but that has been to work through childhood trauma and grow away from that which is probably a bit different - but I do know what it's like figuring out stuff for sure.