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#and probably cw for religious trauma
whatimdoing-here · 1 year
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All my life I'd been telling people I loved them. I'd been so careful with those three words, careful to say them too much, too, to mean them. But maybe it wasn't those three words that even mattered at all; maybe it was the 'because' that was the important part, the real part. I'd been leaving that part unspoken, assuming people knew why or how I loved them, but how could they ever know?
If Tomorrow Doesn't Come by Jen St. Jude
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murdrdocs · 6 months
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religious themes; allusions to sex; def incorrect religious interpertations MDNI 18+ inspo from @swiftiekisses's post w/ LUKE CASTELLAN
the pastors voice booms throughout the small church even without the microphone as assistance. his words, preachings about the dangers of premarital sex, run down luke's spine. they stick themselves there, forced to remain relevant and exist permanently within his body even if his mind dared to forget it.
because he knows his feeble, easily persuaded mind will forget it. when he's inevitably balls deep in you later this afternoon, when your parents have retired to the kitchen for his moms cooking, he would have already forgotten the elated cheers of agreement from the churchgoers. he knows that when you're running your hands through his hair, your pristinely manicured nails scratching his scalp, he would have forgotten what this mornings sermon was even about.
but you, you won't forget. you sit beside him now, staring straight ahead, supposedly unaffected by the way luke's knee touches yours. he can delude himself into believing you were pretending to not care about luke's presence next to his, but your attitude might be soaked in truth. you're in charge here, and luke knows it.
you're human personification of temptation, the rotten apple disguised as fresh and ripe and ready for the picking. you've dragged him under, deep into a pit of bittersweet arousal and warm insides that he never ever wants to leave.
the sweetness of your perfume wafts towards luke's nose as you clap to what the pastor has said. his words must have been important, they must have been grandiose, because his mother is standing next to him and shouting "amen!". but luke can only focus on the way you turn your head and smile at him, a sweet grin that is the image of innocence to outsiders.
but luke knows your smile to be anything but. you knows you to be anything but. and he can tell himself lies all he wants to, but at the end of the day, when judgement comes, he knows that his actions have damned him. the ones he chose to participate in. he has chosen to continuously sheathe himself into your pretty pussy. he has chosen to lay before the altar of your thighs and give offerings. he has chosen to take what his false god has given him, lessons and signs that cloud his mind instead of clear it.
the worst part is, he wouldn't have it any other way.
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You ever get lulled into a false sense of security during the first two thirds of a kid's movie that's good with a serious plot but mostly a pretty fun time, only to have the entire final third tear your heart out, chew it up and spit it out, crush it into even finer paste beneath its heel, and add the fine powder your ribs have been turned into by the sledgehammer it whammed you with as a seasoning?
Anyway Nimona was great, 10/10 would recommend, I was crying on and off for what probably totaled 20 minutes of tears.
#hopeful rambling#nimona#cw graphic#i think that's probably the right tag for that description#anyway yes im a little late to the train but i was waiting until i could watch it with my dearest#my takeaway is that they should put a content warning on it for trans people especially bc you will feel punched in the face#that allegory sure can trans.#i think i related to it in a different way than most people#bc being genderqueer yeah nimona going im not a girl im just myself hit home but im not *trans*#so i think i actually ended up projecting onto balistar as someone who deeply loves a trans person (different ways obviously)#being told 'yes you can rejoin the society you betrayed you aren't like *her* you arent a monster everything can go back to what it was#you can be one of the good guys if you reject the freaks'#but they betrayed you first and the good guys aren't good and how things were is worse actually than saying i love you i see you im with you#to the freaks and the monsters who will accept who you are unlike the society that never will always keeping you to an impossible standard#of never being yourself#so yeah the religious/societal prejudice trauma was very felt at some points#and i grieved for nimona not because she was me but because she was my dearest and she was a friend#and she was a thousand people i will never know who decided it was better to die as yourself than be killed as someone you aren't#and didn't have a person to say im sorry. i see you.#anyway. yeah im still crying. altered my brain chemistry is mild i think it rearranged my organs punched a hole in my chest and i thanked it#nimona spoilers
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if you weren’t raised christian, then you will never understand the instinctual fear that courses through me every time i reblog a post about judas or even consider the idea that judas didn’t suffer eternal damnation. and god forbid i start thinking about the inherent homoeroticism of betraying jesus with a kiss, because at that point you might as well just bathe me in hellfire now
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callistometry · 7 months
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thenatezone · 1 year
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You can be a loving parent and still ruin your child's life. I constantly have to reconcile the fact that my conservative southern Baptist parents did genuinely love me and my siblings while also saying and doing horrible things throughout our childhood.
"They did the best they could!"
Sure but, like, when I was nine they told us if the government ever outlawed Christianity they would choose their religion over their lives and ours and they expected us to do the same
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cotidianoseeder · 3 months
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Rejection
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It just hurts so much, I wish that parents, family, friends and church could know that we never wanted to let them sad, we never wanted to disobey God.
When you have dysphoria and don't have gender affirming care it is easy to hate yourself, but it got worse when the people who you love the most cannot accept your true self.
It is so sad when you try to make the best to not let them sad, and even when you do it, they don't notice and say horrible things.
You cannot feel safe in churches or someone reading the Bible, because you think that they are going to hurt you saying that you are a demon.
Fearing what would be the reaction of your group, if you would be beaten up in the street or how to defend yourself if something goes wrong in the bathrooms.
Getting bothered when you see yourself pre everything in the mirror, when it just looks so wrong. The gender is not right in the identities, the name is not right.
You are just fighting everyday, because you know that maybe someday the things will get better.
Seriously, I just would wish that the people who I love the most could me accept.
Sorry for the sad post when it is pride, but I really needed to vent. If you are feeling suicidal, please contact with your anti suicide line in the region.
The things looks to be getting worse, but I promise that in the end we are going to be fine. We have the right to live, we are loved by Jesus, by our pets... At least, someone in your life will love you as you are, and if you think that no one loves you, is because you are going meet them in the future. We are strong, we are going to always get a way to survive.
Happy pride.
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my biggest hope regarding mental health after we move is that i can find a therapist who will take me seriously about my adhd suspicions, is left-leaning/queer friendly, and maybe can help with religious trauma
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godzexperiment · 1 year
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okay but the brain rot also made me think- one of nix's tasks/an punishment 100% was to get rerouted prayers and nix just like so miserable probably Begging within seconds for it to just stop being the case (when you're kind of created to Listen/absorb what you hear... that sort of thing is just so much more hellish than it's already unbelievable levels of suffering)
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ipromiseimawriter · 1 year
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it’s funny how you can realize so much about yourself in the middle of the night. in your old bedroom. not your old old bedroom, that’s the guest room now. it’s your sister’s old room which became your room which became a box to collect dust in when you left (ran) and then it became a point of transition and a storage closet.
and once again, it is your room. for a while.
it’s funny what you realize about yourself when you let yourself process. sketch had asked me "what would need to change?" and "what would it look like to forgive myself?” 
i’ve been thinking about it.
i think it would start with accepting that i have in fact lived a whole life filled with love, despite the shadows that hang around all those hearts. i find old letters from friends, mementos from moments gone by, programs and thank you cards and notes and journals, and i think holy shit this kid lived and lived and they could barely see right in front of their nose. they did so much, they learned so much through failures and successes and weird little things in the middle. there is so much that i don’t remember or i do or i kind of do, and it’s all a part of the grander picture.
i’m sure this has something to do with the whole (wavy hand gesture) derealization thing/trauma thing/whatever you wanna call it. i don’t have a strict name for it and i don’t even think that’s the point right now. i’ve stared it down enough times with enough therapists who kind of understood, and around people who maybe weren’t supposed to see how it really went but did anyway. it’s a strange thing, to realize i can finally refer to myself in the first person and it doesn’t feel forced. i feel like i’ve been doing it for years, staring at myself through a weird little objective lens.
i think it also starts with looking at what guilt means. what it means to move on from everything i cannot possibly change. what it means to not call myself a fuck-up every time i do something a little out-of-step, slip up my words and let the mask crack (the pandemic cracked it and destroyed it, and rebuilding one isn’t something i even wanted to do, but that’s life innit). call it catholic guilt, call it residual pain from a critical childhood, call it whatever you wanna call it, i know it’s something that’s stuck with me. it lives in every word i’ve ever written -- always signed off with this is a sinner, this is a sinner, this is someone who needs to be saved but won’t be saved because they don’t deserve it. 
and i gotta say! don’t love that!
i have a lot of people who i don’t talk to anymore. i collect guilt inside of my chest like it’s rainwater from a leaking roof, and i’m the bucket. it has to go somewhere (it was my fault, i failed them, i lost contact, i really fucked up that one night and it’s never been the same, i just stopped being someone they would wanna be around,,,,). but the reality is that life is bigger than my guilt. so, so much bigger. their lives are probably juggling so much, and maybe they have guilt, too. shame, too. all of that and more.
i have people who i love now. whether i talked to them hours ago, or we haven’t spoken in years, or maybe some wobbly little thing in the middle, i love them and i hold shared memories dear. i think about them on their birthday even if i forget to reach out. i think about their favorite little frozen custard spot, or the way they used to recklessly drive their car; how they like their boba orders, or what they’re hyperfixating on this week/month/year. it’s such a lovely thing to be alive, to know people as they are and to hold space for them. 
i don’t know if any of this hold the answers to those questions. i don’t know if i’ve even stayed on track. but i know why i’m like this -- at least, enough. i’ll always have questions there. the main point is the whats, the what’s next, the action after years of waiting for when things were finally going to get better.
they got better the moment i chose to live. every single moment that i chose to keep living, call my mom again, do the laundry, go to bed and wake up and try again. i’ve been going through that cycle for years and i come out with something new each time. that has to count for something. 
i will make it count for something. 
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r0-boat · 4 months
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WHB Kings with audio accounts
Back on my audio account bullshit
Cw: NSFW, mentions of darker content but not specific, whb is its own trigger warning lol, but also some silly things (My bad a lot of silly things)
Satan
"boyfriend beats you over the head with a metal pipe till you fall asleep.♥️" "Killing you sexually then killing you again"
His account is not serious. And the funny thing is that some devils would actually listen to it while they fall asleep.
The only other thing he posts seriously is ramble faps. His mic is god-awful You don't even know how these people listen to this shit but he's actually proud of the work he does. His favorite thing to do is making his own sound effects All his sound effects are 100% made by him 'organically grown' as he calls it. And by listening some of these audios you are terrified and don't want to ask what he has done.
Surprisingly he is really good at acting... As soon as he gets a better Mic his stuff somehow gets infinitely better.
Mammon
He firmly believes that humans and devils have a fantasy of wanting to be owned and he is there to fulfill that fantasy because he does in fact own everyone. Majority of his contents is some kind of script where he owns you in some way. All pictures provided to his audios are real pictures taken by a professional photographer. Some even have motherfucking animation.
And just a low low price of $2,000 a month you can access this content (Bimet's fault) But don't worry he sells each individual audio for hundreds of dollars. He considers this cheap.
He's one of the biggest audio accounts on the platform. Having one of his audios is considered a luxury, You're getting your money's worth from the ambience to the voice acting to how often he posts Oh boy. Each audio is an hour of content all good story like a damn movie.
His audios are far more than just smut They are works of art in his eyes. And those "works of art"are probably sold in the Tartaros Black market.
Leviathan
The only normal one. Hard to believe, But if he wants to do something he wants to do it right. He wants to blow out the competition stealing other ideas and making them better in his eyes.
He only started doing this because he caught you listening to some devil you found making a boyfriend audio and he was jealous. The only voice you should be listening to is his! He starts actually liking it however because people praise him for his beautiful voice and moans.
His audios have a lot of degrading a lot of roleplay fantasy where he is of course everything he wants to be. However a lot of his content are heavily influenced by you.
You talk about a singer you liked? Is next audio is a role play where he is a singer and you are his groupie. An anime character from that specific game? He will research the game make his own character based on himself and put himself in it for an audio!
Beelzebub
He has two types of audio. Food mukbangs is one of them. However the other type is Pure sin. A Beel audio can pleasure you just as much as he can in person.
Filled with dark content because he's fulfilling his darker desires desires he can't really fulfill with you because you are a human. But in these little fantasies he can do whatever he wants and imagine anyone he wants.
He does not add sound effects but his voice alone is sinful enough to get you wanting more. He will become too powerful if he starts adding fuck noises.
His mukbangs are just him eating different here He eats food with another devil and they talk kind of like a podcast.
Lucifer
Lucifer's audios are almost entirely dominant. He has a growing user base that wants to see him whimper and he does not want to feed them.
A lot of Lucifer's content stems from religious trauma corruption kink kinda stuff. Corrupted priest, to him as an incubus corrupting you.
He does have softer content He tries to keep NSFW and sfw equal numbered, and that content rages from weddings to honeymoon to first dates anything sweet enough to melt your soul.
He prioritizes telling a story more than anything else
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the-kr8tor · 2 months
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Rotten Floorboards
Pairing: Cowboy! Hobie Brown x Fem! Reader
Word count: 11.5k
Tags: No use of Y/N, no specific physical description of the reader, Cowboy AU, Wild west AU, CW hallucinations, TW poisoned without your knowledge, CW violence, religious talk, CW guns, TW abuse mention, CW food mention, CW panic attack, CW injury, TW death, TW blood and gore.
Our Place In the Middle of Nowhere Masterlist
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CHAPTER 7 >>> CHAPTER 8
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Skinned knees, scarred hands, and venomous words, you've endured it all back home. Survived it all— his tight, firm grip on your hand that only loosened around guests, finger always running along the gold band on your finger, a reminder of your hatred, a different reminder for him. Then your aunt's yelling in your ears until you could only hear her thunderous words at night even when you're alone. Her pen that does more than sign documents, the sharp end pointed directly on your palm, stabbing and cutting along your life line as if it could end your life right then and there— sometimes you wish it could. Then him, your uncle who had his hand in cutting your ties with the man you love, whose echoing footsteps walk outside your door at night, never giving you reprieve from the pain of being awake in that mausoleum of a home. All that pain, all that abuse you've suffered from your so-called kin doesn't compare to seeing Hobie's limp body under the monstrous weight of steel and ash.
Your heart has stayed inside your stomach since then, his green eyes closed, breathing shallow than the well that your uncle threatened to push you inside— you won't drown in it, you'll just crack your neck and your spine while you lay in tepid dirty water. You feel like that now, hopeless, blank eyes staring at the sky, seeing the world pass by from inside the well.
You've never left his side, feeling as if you'd regret it if you did even for a moment. You've regretted a lot of things, letting your parents go on that doomed expedition, and letting your aunt dictate the rest of your life. Never again. So you don't leave, you don't drink, you don't eat while the stranger who helped carry Hobie into the shabby inn treats him.
Your own wounds ache, festering under the heat of the southern sun. The humidity is clinging to your skin, making it all worse, making the pathetic bandage around your ear throb from the pain, tethering from infection. The walls of the small room they've put you in is suffocating, walls that feel like it's closing you in, dark hardwood that sweats from the sheer heat, and floorboards that creak and squeak from your footsteps. But you'd rather stay upstairs than what's below you. It smells there, especially when the day runs hotter than the surface of a boiling pot. It's probably because the whole building is old and moldy. Or there's something dead hiding underneath the rotten bloated wood.
The alligators outside your window hiss and groan, birds you've never seen before get eaten the moment they step foot inside the marsh. It's not fair, you think, for they only wanted to eat yet they ended up getting eaten themselves.
The night gives your nerves a break, the cooler air breezing through your injuries, taking the pain away for only a moment. Fireflies gather outside the willow tree that you've been staring at since you've arrived. Hobie sleeps under it all, from all the noise and the heat. You've held his hand the entire time, even with the bandages around your palms you could still feel him, feel his pulse, feel how he still breathes. Your eyes are dry and red, tears gone from how much you've cried on his bedside, and pleaded to the man to save him whatever it takes. The rickety armchair that has one leg missing has been your home, the room is your land, and Hobie has been your reason to stay.
You held his hand in yours, watching as his eyelids moved about, a sign that he still lives and thinks despite the trauma to the head he endured when the train crashed. The bandage around his head has turned red from his wound. He protected you, did everything to shield you from death. You'd cry if you still had any tears left to give.
Dawn has arrived, and you hear a knock at the door. It's quiet, almost silent as if the sound would disturb Hobie's slumber.
“Come in,” your voice is still hoarse from the noose that wrapped around your neck. It's small, barely there, barely having the resemblance of your former self.
With a creak, the door opens, and a familiar face pops out. “Just checkin’ on ya.” His southern drawl is thick, shaven face illuminated by the lamp he holds. “I need to change his bandages. And yours if you'd permit me.” Entering the room, he shakes his leather bound bag with the initials ‘T.M.’ embossed on it. The metal and glass inside clinks against each other.
You watch him carry himself with confidence, but with apprehension from his gait. “Do him first.” Moving the chair aside, you still don't fully leave Hobie.
“Alright,” his friendly eyes look at you with uncertainty. Kneeling down next to the bed, he examines Hobie's head, gently unspooling the cloth. That's the only time you look away, refusing to see him that way or it might wiggle its way into your dreams. “I’ve realized that I haven't asked for your name, miss.” You hear his bag unzipping while you stare at the outside world blanketed in deep blue. “Not your fault though, Holden brought you in haste.”
“Holden?” You ask, eyes scanning along the marsh.
“That's the big brooding man that carried him in. My name's Thomas, by the way, what's yours?” The smell of putrid ointment hits your nose, you refuse to cover the smell.
You give him a fake name, a name that isn't known to many, a name that isn't plastered in every bounty board across the country. “It's Clementine.”
“What a pretty name, I'd shake your hand but 'm occupied right now.” He chuckles, and you hold your breath while he continues to treat Hobie. After minutes of silence, you hear the rustle of fabric as he closes the bandages around his head.
You turn to look, the sight of Hobie just laying there is sobering. You've always known him as a strong person, always burying his heels in, independent in all the ways, and speaking his mind when he needs to be. The opposite of you, but right now, you have to be the one that's strong enough for him, to fight, care, and protect him if need be while he recovers. You don't know if you can do it, but it comes easily to you because it's Hobie, you've already done so a lifetime ago. You inhale deeply, finally meeting Thomas’ brown eyes.
“Thank you, for helping, you don't know us but you still helped. I promise I'm going to pay you back for the room and…” you look at the room that still bares Hobie's blood all over the floor, and his things thrown in the corner. “And everything else.”
“No, need.” Thomas smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. Crow's feet evident in his smile. “Just seein’ him get better slowly is enough for me.” You give him a weak but genuine smile. “Your turn, miss?”
“I'm fine.”
“I've been a doctor for twenty years, and you're clearly not fine. Especially that ear of yours. I've seen better ears from pigs in line for the slaughter.”
You glance at Hobie's sleeping face, finally relenting. “Okay.”
“I'll try to be quick, I promise.” You scooch your chair closer, immediately holding Hobie's hand like his skin is magnetized. “I don't want to ask but, this injury doesn't look like it came from the train derailing.” He starts to peel off the shoddy bandage that you hastily put on, your skin feels like on fire. You don't mind it anymore, you've felt worse.
You sniff, eyes glued onto the gold ring dangling from Hobie's neck. “A piece of metal from the train nicked it.”
“And your hands?” He nods at your burned palms hidden under cloth.
“Heat from the metal when I tossed it off him.” A half lie.
“Ah,” Thomas cleans your wound with the same putrid ointment. He tugs at your raw skin, you bite your tongue on instinct. “Maybe I shouldn't ask about your neck then.” The angry mark left by the lasso still stays, you know it'll stay there forever. If not, then in your mind.
You look back at the stranger, eyes pointed and daring. “Don't ask.”
There's new cloth around your ear, muffling the sounds made by the house. “Then I won't.” He seizes his movements, eyeing your hand around Hobie's. “May I treat your hands?”
“It's fine, mister Thomas.”
“It's doctor, actually,” there's amusement in his eyes. “I’ve got a license and everythin’. You should see it, it's very professional lookin’.”
You crack a smile, “sorry, doctor.” With slight apprehension, you slide your hands away from Hobie's before laying your palms on your lap. “Do you own this place?”
“I do, sort of.” He unwraps your hands, revealing the angry skin underneath. Sucking in his teeth, you already know it's healing badly. But he still tries, for that you owe him everything.
“Sort of?”
“It's my sisters’ you see, they went on this business trip to get more funds for the place so they asked me to look after it for a few weeks.”
“I'm guessing that you had to leave your practice.” You flick your eyes over to Hobie's rising and falling chest to check on him. Satisfied, you look back at the doctor handling you with care. “That must've been horrible.”
“Havin’ sisters?” He jokes.
“No, leaving it all behind.”
His smile falters. “Don't cry crocodile tears for me, miss, I'll be back there treating the sick in no time.” His head tilts curiously at the old scar on your palm, ghosting his thumb over it. “What happened to this one?”
You want to say that it was because of her, that she did it. But this is one of the rare times that it wasn't her fault. Yet, when it was, she's good at hiding the evidence. Your aunt wasn't an idiot, she knew how to turn a girl into her personal workhorse that you whip and punch to obey without leaving any marks, without showing the world and causing them any concern for your well-being. So you tell the halfhearted truth.
“It was a long time ago, there's no cause for concern on that one.” It healed, a remembrance, telling you that everything will heal if you give it time— that Hobie will heal. You meet his eyes, finding it hard to read the old man. “How about Holden and the others I saw? I didn't get a good look at them when I entered but I saw a few guests. Are they guests?” You question him because that's what Hobie would do.
“Holden lives nearby who just happens upon the train wreck. He has a small stable in town, in Saint Denis. If you want he can take in your horses? They're mighty fine, I don't want them getting soiled by the marsh.”
“That…” you think for a second. If the horses are gone then you'd lose your only way out. Hobie would say no. “No, thank you, I'll take care of them.”
“You sure? Fine by me, there's hay inside the stable for ‘em.”
“The others? You were talking about them.” You continue to push the subject.
“Ah yes, sorry ‘bout that, old mind and all. Well, there's Eli, he's been stayin’ with us for quite a while. A priest on a mission we call him.” You listen intently, taking note of every single detail. “Then there's Lucy, she's a regular ‘ere, always comin' and goin'. Accordin’ to my sisters.”
You nod as he finishes your hands that's now tightly wrapped with bandages. Thomas begins to stand up, gathering his things. “Will he be okay?” Will he wake up?
He sighs, there's something behind his eyes that you can't quite pinpoint. “It’s hard to tell.” Your heart hammers inside your ribcage. “But he has so far survived the night, I think he'll pull through.”
“Thank you, again. I'll repay you, I promise.” You reach for Hobie's hand, letting your warmth seep through his clammy hands.
Thomas' eyes flick between your hand and eyes. “Don't mention it. I'll bring a basin with drinking water for him. Drip water onto his lips every few hours so he won't dehydrate.”
You nod in understanding. “I will, thank you ”
“Then some food and water for you.” He smiles, opening the door and looking over his shoulder to glance at you.
“No need—”
“How would you care for him when you don't take care of yourself? You need the energy. What would he say?”
You chuckle, squeezing his hand tighter. “He’d call me a wanker for not eating.”
Thomas knits his brows, turning back towards you. “A what?”
“Nothing, it's something profane.”
He chortles, wiping his hand across his nose like he smelled something foul. And you smell it too— the sourness, the moment he opened the door. Maybe a rat died under the staircase. “I won't ask then. Get some rest, miss Clementine.”
The door clicks and you're once again alone with him. It hits you again, how dire your situation is. There's a rock in the back of your mind that keeps rolling about, reminding you how close Hobie was from dying in your arms. But there's another boulder in the pit of your stomach, it tells you of a fate that could befall you now that you're here, close to the person looking for you. You'd rather jump towards the alligators than be back in their hold.
Hobie will wake up, you know he will. For now, you'd stay by his side, play the good nurse and protect him as much as you can because he would do it if the roles were reversed. You hold his ring in between your fingers, letting the cold metal melt into your warm skin.
You whisper to him, words that you're afraid of letting go, words that you wish would wake him up. You wonder what he dreams of, is it home? Is it something good? Or is he dreaming of you? You'll ask him when he wakes up, he'll wake up, you know he will.
There's another knock at the door a few hours later. Thomas enters with a tray that smells of something savoury, you've forgotten how hungry you are. But how could you indulge when Hobie lays there like a statue?
“I have some duck for ya, and a loaf. It's not much but it'll fill you up.” He senses your trepidation. “Please eat, you'll get weaker if you don't. ‘sides, no one will take care of him if you fall ill.” The utensils rattles as he places the tray in your hands.
You stare at the food with a blank stare. Guilt eats you alive, grief devouring what's left of you. “C-can you…” you clear your dry throat, “can you check on him? See if his breathing is alright?”
Thomas nods curtly after a moment, placing his fingers above his pulse, timing it on a watch that dangles from his waist coat. You don't touch the warm food until he's done. “His breathin’s fine, he's a fighter.”
You finally feel like you can exhale again. “Thank you.”
“Of course,” standing up, Thomas points at the bowl filled with water where a cloth floats atop it. “That's for him, from what we talked about.”
“I remember.” You're already squeezing the cloth, releasing excess water before you place the tray on his bedside to slowly let the water drip on Hobie's dry lips. With every drop, you pray to whoever is listening to will him awake.
“I'll leave you to it,” the door closes, and you're once again left in your dark thoughts where your fears have come true.
In between eating and playing nurse, your eyes start to get heavy with every bite of the succulent meat. You couldn't help but finish it to the bone, letting it fill your belly, leaving half of the loaf for Hobie when he wakes up. After chugging a whole pitcher of water and emptying Hobie's bowl by slowly but surely letting him drink, you place the tray down on the ground to lay down next to him carefully. There's a headache forming in-between your eyes, maybe you're incredibly fatigued than you thought you were. You're mindful of his injuries but not your own as you lay on your injured ear. It's self flagellation, as if everything that has happened was your fault the moment you stepped foot in the new world. As your eyes get uncomfortably heavy, mind foggy, you fall asleep curled up on his side.
You open your eyes and you're back home. The gilded walls of your room open up to you like a theater curtain. Your chest heaves, eyes filled with tears that you refuse to let go. Chiffon and velvet dress hugging you tightly, too tight, suffocating you slowly like a hand on your throat. Hand upon your chest, you rip it all off as if the garment burns you. But it isn't enough to get rid of it all, so you walk over to your table in haste, grabbing a sharp letter opener to slash and tear at the threads putting it all together. One by one, the once pretty gown is torn to shreds at your feet, from bodice to skirt, it all lays on the ground like discarded meat. In a flash, your eyes see red and bloodied muscle still writhing on the floor instead of fabric. As soon as it appears, it's gone after a beat.
You stand there in your slip, but the heaviness in your chest persists, hands and legs going numb— a testament to your shallow breathing. Your hands glide along your body to find anything tight around you, gasping and still in a panic, your hands stop around your neck that holds a string of diamonds. Without a second thought, you snatch the shiny thing away from your clammy skin, breaking the chain in the process.
Air enters your lungs the moment it's gone. Palms above your chest, you inhale and exhale whilst hot tears flow out of your eyes in a shower of sorrow. Leaning over the table for balance, your eyes meet with a familiar handwriting addressed to you. You're brought back in time the second your hand touches it, brought back to five years ago when Hobie slipped you a note during a party. You read it again, telling you that everything was ready, that he's ready to run away with you, somewhere far away and that you should pack your things.
After you read it, the letter dissolves into dark ink that drips down to your feet. You're holding the new letter again, opening the plain wax seal, you read the contents. Then you read it over and over until you get your mind wrapped around the saccharine yet sorrowful words that are all written in his hand. Hobie, the one you've been mourning since the news hit you.
His address is written hastily next to his own name, you laugh and then sob, hugging the letter to your chest. The scene shifts as if you've entered the fog and into a new world. You're in front of the docks, a large ship looming over you. You're dressed in a pair of borrowed trousers from Peter's wife, whilst the older man himself speaks by your side but you can't make out his words. It's all a garbled mess. For some reason, his hands are dripping with blood, but you don't point it out.
You tell him something, and he shakes his head with a smile, eyepatch moving as he gently nudges you towards the ship. The night hides his face, and all the secrets haunting you, even with the full moon shining down. As you wave goodbye, the ship unfurls its sails, sailors reeling the anchor up, and the captain steering the ship towards your future. You watch as Peter's silhouette gets farther until he's a mere dot in your sight.
You raise your head up to watch the swirling sky, falling stars raining down, and the moon smiling back at you. Someone whispers your name, and you instinctively turn around, expecting a fate worse than death thinking that they've found you. But you're greeted by Hobie himself, still in the same clothes you last saw him in, hair short, and face flat.
“Hobie?” You sound like you're underneath the waves.
“Run.”
You're awoken by the squeak from the rotten hinges. Sitting up, your eyes adjust to the light, seeing a silhouette of a tall, bony man in black and white. Vision focusing, you see him awkwardly stop in front of the doorway, the white square on his collar tells you that this is the reverend Thomas was talking about. He has a patch work of a beard and an aura of weariness.
“Eli,” your mouth speaks before you could think.
“That's me,” he chuckles, clearing his throat right after. His hands are behind his back, prompting you to be more wary of the man.
“What are you doing here?” You sit properly, hand placed on your gun belt, feeling the cold metal of Hobie's gun on your palm.
“I–I was…” his blue eyes flick from your gun to Hobie's sleeping face. “Thinking of p-praying for him.”
“He’s not dead yet, reverend.” Your harsh voice cuts through the man.
“I don't mean any offense.” He holds his empty hands up, you glance at his rough hands and the tattoo on his wrist revealed from how his sleeve rode down. It's something you can't quite get a good look at. Noticing your stare, Eli brings his hands down, pulling down his sleeves. “Praying for his swift recovery. That's what I meant.”
“You can pray for him outside our door. Better yet, pray downstairs.” You stare him down. “Where's your book of prayers?”
“I'm sorry, I should've knocked.” You can't place his accent. “I thought you were asleep—”
“And that makes it alright to barge in?”
He balances on the balls of his feet, your eyes instinctively flick over to his leather shoes that are too shiny, too kept as if he just bought it or cleaned it for the occasion. “We got off on the wrong foot, I'm sorry, miss…Clementine. My name's Eli.” Reaching for you, you only look at his hand without shaking it.
“I didn't give you my name.”
The reverend takes his hand back with a wince. “I–I got it from Thomas.” Your jaw tightens, eyes boring holes into his forehead. Thankfully, he reads the room and your expression. “I should go—”
“You should. Goodbye.”
The reverend doesn't turn his back on you, opening the door with what you could read as a cursory apologetic look. “I'm sorry, again.”
You grunt in reply. With the door clicking close, you stand up, taking a spare chair that Thomas always sits down on to lodge it under the doorknob. Locking the door and battening down the hatches. It's what Hobie would do, it's what he always does when he thinks you've fallen asleep.
“Wanker.” You scoff out before sitting back down next to Hobie. You don't find sleep after that. Your mind is too noisy, too chaotic to find sleep even though your body demands it.
Two days in and Hobie is still unresponsive, he breathes, even twitches in his sleep but he's unable to wake up. It's pure torture for you, seeing him lay there while you try your best at taking care of him. You've even tasked yourself at watching the good doctor clean his wounds and replace the bandages so you could do it yourself. You miss his smile, his laugh, and how he holds your hand. It’s just like how you've felt for those five long years, but this time you can see him, touch him, and take care of him but he doesn't speak nor look back at you. You don't know which one is worse.
Thomas says he's getting better, but you still worry. You play his nurse and a grieving widow at the same time. Everytime Hobie's breath hitches or even when his finger twitches you sit up, frantically calling the doctor to check on him. He always says the same thing, ‘he’s just dreaming,’ it doesn't fill you at ease, especially if it's anywhere near the dreams you've been having.
Three meals are brought to you every day, and each meal has brought you to sleep. You blame the trauma you've experienced, the things you've seen, the things you've done— it brings you towards the precipice of life and death each time, and without fail, you dream of him. Hobie still sleeps on the lumpy bed, body lay still, breathing sturdy and true. You don't mind the sleep, but the dreams you've had aren't always good, so you'd rather keep your eyes open than face the horrors that sleep brings.
Sometimes your mind wanders off, vision whirling to something else, something worse than him laying unresponsive to the world outside. In the corner of the dark room, you see a bloodied fountain pen with soiled grain littered around it. You turn around to look away, and you see something worse, his pristine white suit is a glaring contrast to the almost dilapidated state of the room, acting like a beacon of pain for you. He doesn't smile, nor come closer to you, he just stands there, back straight like he owns the place, light green eyes aglow like the fireflies outside but none of the comfort.
The blood in your veins runs cold at the sight, so you turn away from him as he stands guard with his judging eyes. Your eyes land towards Hobie to calm you down and bring yourself back to reality. He still sleeps, bandages wrapped around his head, eyelids twitching while he dreams. With a sigh, you suddenly see a pair of eyes under his bed, you're frozen at the sight of a large hand appearing from underneath, nails dark and rotten, wounds littered around the arm, decaying and sour smelling. You see it give you a crooked smile. Heart thrumming, the hand grabs Hobie's wrist, blackened blood oozing from its touch. With horror in your belly but bravery in your heart, you yank the hand away, finding it bursting into a cloud of smoke the moment you touched it.
“You alright?” Thomas asks, he watches you catch your breath from the doorway.
Your hand is closed around nothing, still held up in front of you, gasping at nothingness. You inhale, clearing your throat and bringing down your trembling hand to your lap. “Y-yeah, I think I'm just too hot.”
Thomas nods, eyes roaming around the room. “You've been cooped up in this room for two days. I think some fresh air would do you some good.”
You immediately shake your head. “I can't leave him. Besides, there's a window here, I get enough air as it is.”
“Pardon my bluntness but, you need to stretch around, get a different scenery or you'll go mad seeing the same walls.” Thomas crosses the gap, tentatively placing his hand on your shoulder. His palm hovers slightly above your blouse, not truly holding you. “I can watch him for you, the worst has come to pass already. I know he'll wake up eventually.”
You glance at Hobie's face, he does look better than before. There's color on his lips again, his breathing stable, skin no longer clammy and his wounds are starting to scab over. And the horses need your attention too, you have no idea how they're faring since they got here. You ponder leaving him for a moment.
“...okay, j-just for a few minutes.” But you still don't trust Thomas enough to leave Hobie alone with him. “You don't have to watch him.”
“Alright, I understand where you're comin' from. Hell, I'll give you the key to the room if it makes you feel any better.” Thomas takes out a ring of keys from his pocket, and then he takes out an old key from the metal ring to hand to you. “Just bring it back after.”
“Alright, thank you, that actually fills me with ease.” You close your fingers around the key, letting the metal press down into your burned palms.
“I'll be downstairs. I promise if I hear anythin’, even a squeak I'll come runnin’ out to get you.” Thomas smiles, back already turned to leave.
Your voice calls him back. “Doctor, you've seen death, do you think there's an afterlife?” You suddenly ask him, Thomas stops in his tracks, chuckling softly.
“I don't know, love.” You raise a brow, head turning immediately to face him. “I think it's best if you ask the reverend that. I'm sure he can provide you with an answer.”
“But you've seen people die, right? From your patients, to just…living. I want your opinion on the matter.” You push the subject, eyes heavy and tired. You can feel every bone in your body as your vision shifts, seeing iridescent light pass through the windows and shine in Thomas' face. When your eyes focus, the light is gone.
Thomas scratches his head. “From what I experienced?” You nod, “I don't think so. I think there's just darkness right after.” He sniffs, hands placed in his pockets. “I really think you should talk to the reverend, he might provide a more comforting answer.”
“Maybe I should.” Your voice drifts off, eyes blankly staring outside.
“You sure you're alright?”
“I don't know.” You don't see how red your eyes have become, or the bags weighing it down.
Thomas leaves without another word. You don't leave the room after that, and the key stays with you to hold onto, letting the metal dig into your palms.
Startling awake, you sit up from the whispers that have managed to slither its way inside your ears. You look over your side, seeing Hobie asleep and safe, you begin to sit up, head pounding roughly against your skull as if you've been hit by something in your sleep.
More whispers echo out into the darkness, your eyes wander around the room, finding no one so you listen closely. You glance at the floor, ears straining to hear, you realize the voices are coming out from beneath.
Slowly clambering away from the bed, hand reluctantly releasing Hobie's hand, you make your way onto the floor, laying yourself down on the cool wood. Pressing your ears, you listen in on the murmured conversation.
“She barely sleeps!” A woman's voice exclaims, it's followed by shushing. “It doesn't even work on her. I'm at my fuckin’ limit.”
“We need to be patient—” Someone says.
You press your face down closer to hear better. “We've been patient. We need to—” the floorboards creak from your movement. And they immediately quiet down.
You lay there perfectly still, but no sound from downstairs can be heard. Standing up, you check the doors if you've locked it properly this time, and you pat the gun on your hip to feel if it's still there. The unfounded trust that you've given to the strangers downstairs are wavering by the minute. But you can't leave, not until Hobie wakes up, or you might disturb his healing.
You gasp awake, trembling in your seat, the wounds on your palms have reopened from how your nails have dug into your broken palms. It's another nightmare, another nightmare that has kept you awake. Hobie still sleeps, and you're still trapped inside the small dusty room.
The heels of your palms rub roughly on your eyelids, washing away the nightmare and sleep. Laying your head on the back of the chair, you stair at the ceiling and the cracking paint. There's a dark red spot near the middle, it's barely noticeable but it's there. The longer you stare at it, the bigger it gets. You fight a sob as you abruptly stand up, maybe you should take Thomas on his offer by going outside. It doesn't hurt to leave for a few minutes, right? Surely no one is awake at the break of dawn, so Hobie is safe to be left for a moment. And he's comfortable with the window opened, letting the cool early morning breeze inside.
You sit down on his bedside, hands gently cupping his own. “I'll be back, alright? I just need to check on Buck and Cherry.” He doesn't answer. “Maybe they can tell me how they managed to find us. Or maybe what you told me before was actually right, that they can smell us. Like loyal hounds we had back at the manor.” Your words drift away as your eyes lose focus, staring at the raised scar on his neck. You sniff, bringing yourself back to reality. “Please wake up, I feel like— just please wake up. Yell my name when you do and I'll come running back.” You kiss his knuckles, eyes glancing at the pair of white trousers standing in the corner. “I'll be back.”
You stand up, ignoring all the ghostly eyes staring at your back. They're not real, you whisper to yourself. Opening the door and locking it behind you before you could change your mind. The key is safely tucked away in your breast pocket. A headache rushes by, you almost fall on your knees from the pain.
As you stand shakily in the hallway, the floors seem to shift and change. It stretches before you while you walk, as if it won't allow you to escape the place. You close your eyes tightly, grounding yourself by holding onto the wall. When you open your eyes, you see your aunt standing at the end of the long hallway. She's clad in black, a long coat hiding her entire body, from her neck to the tips of her feet. Her hair is stark white against the dark material, strands that are longer than you last saw her. You can barely see her face, but it's odd, like something's amiss.
“Where are your eyes, dear aunt?” You ask in a small voice, as if you've returned to the young age you first met her.
She opens her maw, a deep dark crevice of sharp teeth all lined up in rows. You hear your name escape from her unhinged jaw, it's whispered close in your ears. “You can't leave.”
“I just did.” You say without remorse, and without guilt. “Watch me leave again.” With measured steps you walk closer to the vision, as you get closer and closer, her body turns transparent until you've walked through her. And everything returns to normal. You've reached the banisters overlooking downstairs, hand clasped tightly around the wood. Shaking, but victorious. “Not real.”
You look over the railing, eyes roaming around the small space. There's a small common room where a fireplace that doubles as the kitchen lies. A large man sleeps on the single couch facing the fireplace, snoring softly, arms crossed over his chest. A humble bar is placed across it, where amber liquid in foggy glass sits on the shelves. Leaning closer, you spot a door on the floor that could lead to a basement of some sort. The surfaces have been wiped clean except for the tops of the shelves that are caked in dust. There's minimal decorations, save for a few pictures hanging on the walls. Then it hits you, the smell of the place. From sour milk to rotten eggs, you can barely decipher what it is, only decay.
You can see the place being homely after a renovation if not for the stench.
The wooden bannister creaks when you put your weight on it, you flinch away before it gives out from under you. You walk slowly down the small steps of the stairway, legs shaking from the thrumming headache behind your eyes, feet swaying like you're drunk off of moonshine. You attribute it from the vision you saw and from how fatigued you are. But your shoes barely clack against the floor from your footsteps. Your eyes skim over the photographs on the walls, yellowed paper and old frames of family. You look for Thomas in any of the pictures, but he's absent in every single one.
You finally make it down without waking anyone. The man, Holden, you surmise based on the description Thomas gave you, still snores on the couch. Crossing the threshold, you unlock the front door to go outside.
The entire marsh is bathed in blue, sun barely peeking in the horizon. A breeze passes by, goosebumps rising on your arms from the cold. You should've brought your coat with you, but it's too late now. If you go back upstairs, you think you cannot go back down.
You already feel like you're coming back to your old self. Eyes still weighing heavy in its sockets but at least the air and the greenery have grounded you back to reality. You have no idea what has befallen you, why you've been having visions of your family. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, or maybe the living has decided to haunt you for all the things you've done to survive.
Walking along the wooden paths that prop you up from the mud, you follow it further down towards the small stable. The birds are beginning to wake up, chirping just above the canopies of tall willow trees. With every footstep, your feet sink slightly into the mud, soil swallowing down the planks of wood laid down as a makeshift path. Flies buzz around your legs, you swat away any that comes near your healing wounds.
You finally make it towards the stable, opening the door with slight force since the hinges are long rotten from the wear and tear of the moist environment. You finally crack it open, seeing seven horses in their little pens on the side. The wood inside is in the same state as the inn, bloated and decaying from age. Light filters through the cracks, dust and bloatflies flying all over the horses.
Bucky peeks his head when he hears you enter, he immediately recognizes you, hind legs stomping in excitement. You smile genuinely at the dark horse, walking towards his stable, still swaying slightly on your feet. Cherry appears from behind Bucky, coat muddy and hair tangled. You guess that they had to share a pen because of the lack of space in the stable.
“Hi, you two.” You reach up towards their faces, Bucky nuzzles your hand while Cherry huffs against your palm. “I'm sorry, I should've visited you earlier. But Hobie needed my attention.” With the mention of his rider, Buckeye neighs, leaning away, almost standing up on two legs. You think that he worries for him. “It's alright, calm down, boy. He's getting better.”
Bucky shakes his head, so you scratch the back of his ear where he always seems to like. You coo at him, whispering kind words towards the horse for finding you and Hobie amidst the wreckage with Cherry in tow. You enter their pen, brushing your hands along his fur and hair. Hobie's canteen peeks from his saddlebag on Bucky, so you take it, taking big gulps before placing it back inside the pack. You feel a lot better already.
Cherry watches you and Bucky interact. When she's had enough of Bucky getting all of your attention, she nudges your shoulder, nodding and huffing like a petulant child. “Alright, alright, I didn't forget about you.” Chuckling, you rub along her snout, you find that she likes to be pet there the most. “Have you been good? I'd give you both an apple or sugarcube but I don't have any on me.” You spot the bundle of hay near the entrance. “Is hay good enough? When we get out of here I'll give you both all the sugar cubes and fruit you could ever want.”
Leaving their side after numerous pets, you grab a pitchfork laying on the corner to grab some hay to place in their pen. Once both horses are properly fed and petted, you look around the stable for a horse brush, but the only thing you could find were more horses looking at you with curious eyes. You're more confused though, you see five horses in each pen, but there are only four guests inside the inn that you know of. There's Thomas, Eli, and Holden that you've already met. Then there's the mysterious Lucy. Whose horse is it that is alone in the corner? Maybe it's a spare? Nevertheless, you feed all of them.
“I'll be back,” you fold your knees to grab a bucket on the floor. “Let me just get some water for—”
“You're speaking to horses.”
“Jesus!” You clutch your chest from the sudden intrusion.
“Just me, sorry.” A woman stands in the doorway, hands on her shiny belt buckle, red corset tight on her torso, revealing freckles dusted on her shoulders and clavicle. She smiles, showing a gold tooth in the bottom row of her teeth. The sun has now fully risen outside, bathing her back in light, shadows hiding her face from you. “I'm Lucy, you must be Clementine.”
You clear your throat before you almost made the mistake of correcting her. “Y-yeah. Nice to meet you.”
“Why are you doing manual labor? Aren't you injured?”
“I am, but I'm feeling a lot better now thanks to the doctor.”
“Thomas?”
“Yeah, is there another doctor here?”
She chuckles, stepping forward out of the shadows. You see her chiseled face, lips full and pretty, more freckles lined around her eyes and cheeks. Her blond hair is tied in a neat braid, cowboy hat perfectly fitted around her head. There's a hunting rifle strapped on her back, and a large ornate knife on her waist.
“I'll take care of the water. Breakfast is being served inside if you're hungry.” She says with a lilt in her tone. “There's sausage, the good kind. I think you'll like it.”
“You've got their water?” You ask, glancing at your horses.
“Yeah, I've got them.” She crosses the small distance towards you, you don't drop your guard even when her hand grabs the bucket away from you. “I've been the one looking after them.”
“Oh, thank you then. I hope they're not too much of a bother.”
“Not really. Especially your Arabian there, she's real pretty.” Lucy eyes Cherry like a piece of meat on the chopping block. “How much for her?”
“Excuse me?” You scoff. “She's not for sale.”
“Alright, understandable. How about the thoroughbred?”
“No,” you stand stiff, jaw clenched. “They're not for sale.”
She grins slowly, brown eyes flat and staring at your soul. Shrugging, she begins to walk outside. “Eh, it's worth the try. Your loss, I would've bought them at a mark up.” Her voice fades away as she leaves.
You stand there with your fists shaking, you're perturbed by the people residing in the inn. You think Thomas and Holden are the only decent ones inside.
Cherry neighs behind you, you look over your shoulder to meet with her eyes. “The nerve of some people, huh?” Buckeye agrees by trotting in place.
Walking back towards the inn already has you sweating from the humidity. Once you open the door, all eyes are on you. Thomas stands behind the bar, preparing a plate. While Holden eats on one of the empty bar stools with a cup of steaming coffee paused on his lips as he stares at you. The reverend was just about leaving the basement when you entered, hand frozen on the handle of the basement door.
The doctor breaks the awkward silence. “Good morning. Did ya have a nice walk outside?”
You flex your hands on your sides, biting the inside of your cheek. “It was…pleasant.”
Eli casually stands up and then sits on the sofa near the fire and the cooking pot. He opens a large book, reading like he didn't just leave the basement as if he owned the place.
“Come have breakfast with us.” Thomas beckons you over, sliding the plate he was just preparing over to you. “I was just about to go upstairs and give this to ya.”
“Thank you, I'll eat it in my room. I don't want to disturb you all.” You come closer to the bar, fingers placed around the porcelain plate. You feel eyes on you, Holden continues to eat in the corner of your eyes. Eli is mouthing scriptures at his seat.
“No, no, come stay!” Thomas hands you a cup of coffee. The smell brings you back home. It's not a good memory. “It'll do you some good to have company, even for a moment. Please stay.”
You nod, clammy palms rubbing along your trousers. “...sure, just for breakfast though.” Rubbing your nose, Thomas notices.
“Sorry ‘bout the smell. We think there's a rat that died in the basement but we can't seem to find it.” He picks at his own plate while leaning on the other side of the bar. “That's why the reverend was down there. It was his turn to look.”
You nod, glancing briefly at the trap door on the floor. “Can I have a glass of water instead? I don't like coffee.”
His fork clangs on the plate as he lets go. “Oh of course!” Turning around he takes a pitcher of water and then he pours you a glass. While he does that, you look at the pictures behind the bar.
“Which one are your sisters?” You gesture towards the frames, Thomas still has his back towards you as he continues to pour you a glass.
“Oh, the picture that's in the middle.” You follow where he pointed at. A photograph of two smiling women in front of the inn when it was still new and shiny hangs in the middle of the bar. Their faces are flat and serious but the way their arms are around each other says that they're particularly happy in the picture. If not for the long exposure needed to take the scene, they would be grinning widely.
You tilt your head at the picture, eyes scanning their features and comparing it to Thomas' face. “You don't look like them.”
He twists around, handing you your glass of water. “I've been told.” Chuckling, he looks back at the picture briefly before turning towards you. “They got my mother's features and I got my father's. Which parent do you look like the most?” His eyes watch the mouth of the glass against your lips.
“I barely remember their faces now.” You don't drink the water just yet to answer his question. “So I don't know.”
“That's too bad.” And yet, he smiles. “How ‘bout you, Holden? Who do you look like?”
“My mother.” He says gruffly, tone monotone and uninterested.
“Ah.” Thomas picks at his plate again.
“I haven't thanked you yet for saving him.” You address the large man. “Thank you.”
“I just happened upon the place. My eyes couldn't leave the train wreck.” Holden stares at the same spot on the bar, you follow his line of sight, once you've reached the end, you see a dark red splatter on a glass of gin.
Before you could ask, Eli interrupts. “As is his will.” He's now in front of the fire even though it's sweltering inside already. “It's very lucky that Holden happens to be riding that way.” Eli says those words with humour, as if the train derailing is the funniest thing in the world.
Thomas clears his throat, “I heard no one else on the train got hurt.” You sigh in relief, knowing the real Clementine and her family are safe and sound. “A few railroad workers were injured but they're fine now, last I heard.”
“Yes, it's good that no one else got severely hurt.” Lucy appears inside the inn, smiling at you. She stalks silently around you like you're prey. Your hand instinctively slides down towards your gun belt.
“Well, except for your lad.” Thomas says, you look at him with wide eyes, blood running cold, gun now fully in your hand. The world swirls around you, your breathing gets faster, heartbeat loud in your ears. The air shifts, everyone except Thomas stiffens. “We know who he is. He's a fuckin’ legend ‘round ‘ere, but don't worry, we won't tell any lawmen. We're not like that.” Thomas continues to speak even with your world crumbling around you. He doesn't know what he just revealed. “Drink your water, we don't want you goin' thirsty now.”
“‘L-lad?’” you almost whisper, but the entire room is silent, a pin could drop and you'd hear it. Your words are thunderous compared to the fire cracking in the fireplace. “You said you're from here.”
Thomas chuckles nervously, you stand up, eyes flicking over towards the occupants. The rotten stench under the floorboards has increased ten fold in your panic, the tiny splotches of crimson on the walls and glass aren't just dirt and grime.
It's blood, and the entire inn is covered in it. Hastily scrubbed off the surface, but the mark of death remains.
They all look at you, Holden stands behind you, his shadow casting over you. Lucy continues to smile while Eli looks on amidst the backdrop of the raging fire behind him. Thomas gives you a look, shaking his head subtly.
You don't miss a beat, gun aiming behind you to shoot. But no bullet flies, you don't hit your mark for the chamber is all emptied out without your knowledge. You don't know when it was taken out but you don't have time to ponder it. Running past Lucy towards the stairs, you yell his name.
“Hobie!” You manage to get to the third step before you fall flat on your face, nose harshly landing on the stair, shoulder oozing something warm. Looking over the source, you see Lucy's hunting knife embedded in your shoulder. “No!”
Lucy giggles, and the reverend joins her side, face downturned, eyes following how your blood oozes out of your back.
“Fuck! They said don't draw blood! What the bloody hell is wrong with you!” Thomas shows his true colours, yelling at Lucy angrily. You continue to crawl up the stairs despite the searing pain. “Fuckin’ grab her! Get the key, it's on her.”
“I'm…” you still fight, elbows pressed on the rough wood, crawling relentlessly up the stairs. “Going to fucking kill all of you.” You say through gritted teeth, ignoring the seething pain as your body trembles.
Eli's voice pipes up. “We just want to get you home. God will strike you down if you do that.”
“Strike me down all he wants. He knows where I am.” With determined eyes, you keep crawling even though your arms are split apart by splinters.
You're about halfway up the steps when you hear loud heavy footsteps walk towards your form. Groaning, you dig for the key inside your pocket. The second you find it, you toss it with all your might, it flies up and then it lands and slides under the bar shelves. It's your turn to cackle. Large hands grab you, turning you over. Holden's scowl looks back at you. Puckering your lips, you spit at his face, laughing as he lets you go, desperately cleaning his face.
“Move over, big guy. Do I have to do everything around here?” Silent steps cross over to you while you try to desperately climb up. You can't feel your back anymore. Suddenly, you feel a cloth press on your mouth and nose. You know this smell, it's sweet and tart, but there's an underlying bitterness. Recognizing it from the description on the botanical books you've read, the ones that they say a proper lady shouldn't read. And you know you're about to black out within ten seconds. You try to fight back but you're weakening.
“Shh,” Lucy coos, arm tightening around your neck as she presses the concoction harder on your nose. Her own arm hits the knife still in your shoulder, you gasp in pain, inhaling more. “Go to sleep, sweetheart.”
The last thing you hear is his voice calling out after you. You're not sure if it's real or not, but you still cling to hope that it is.
The rope around your body is rough against your skin, the hemp seems to tighten around you as you move. You feel bandages on your shoulder blade, stab wound aching and throbbing. Entire body covered in sweat, your clothes are drenched from the heat. Your vision swirls, mind tethering between reality and fantasy. You see your aunt standing near the rake you just held, your uncle crouched in the corner, watching you struggle against your binds. And him, who sits next to you, as if he's guarding you. His face crosses your line of sight, it shifts between Hobie's soft smile, and his grinning face.
“I told you, you can't leave.” He says, hand reaching up to touch your face. You know he's not real, that he's a result of what Lucy gave you, what they've been giving you— but you still feel the air around him shift, how his palm sits on your cheek like a hot pan against your skin.
“C–Cross,” you gulp down as much air as you can amidst your state. “What did I do to deserve this?”
He could only grin at you.
“You’re awake, good. Lucy didn't accidentally kill you.” Eli stands near the doorway of the stable with a gold gun in his hand. Fingers yanking off his tab collar.
“Eli, you creepy motherfucker.” You slur your words, but you fight the haze. “How much did they pay you just to bring me back?”
He sniffs, “a lot.” The horses neigh in the background, you turn your head and you see Bucky and Cherry frantically thump and kick their hooves inside their pen.
“You’re not even a reverend are you?”
“No,” He says, turning away from the doors to face you. “I was once though.”
“Let me guess, you weren't cut out to be one.” You lean up, almost folding yourself to squint at him. “Or they fucking kicked you out.” He flinches, it's subtle, but you saw it. “They did, didn't they? What did you do, reverend?” You taunt while you try to ease your wrists off from the rope. Your skin stings from the movement, but it'll be worth it once you get your hands around his scrawny neck. “Oh shit, don't tell me it's—”
“It was gambling. I've racked up a debt.” He was quick to answer, as if he's still trying to protect his reputation. “I used all the donations.”
“That's fucked up.” You scoff, riling him up, playing him like a fiddle. “Seriously, so fucked up. And you decided to what? Scam more people by wearing the uniform?” Eli doesn't answer, you see him bounce on the balls of his feet, anxiety rolling off him in waves. “Is there an afterlife, reverend?” You say in a small, weaker voice to rag on him on more. It works when he turns towards you.
“Stop talking,” He saunters over to you, crouching down to your level. “I've already heard all those words before, you don't get to hurt me back, girl.”
“Was it all of you? Holden looked like he didn't want to be in there.”
“Please, he was the one who recruited me. He knew that Thomas needed more men the moment he heard Hobie's name.”
You chuckle bitterly. “You know that one of you has damaged the goods, right?”
“Thomas healed you.”
“Yeah, but still, you've left a mark. That means the pay will go down, that means your share will go down thanks to Lucy.” You can practically see the cogs in his head turn. Tilting your head, you turn him against his own team. “Tell me, would it hurt if you got someone out? You know, increase your pay.”
“What are you saying?”
“There are plenty of alligators here. I'm saying that accidents happen.”
Eli knits his brows, “but which one—?” The unmistakable sound of a gun going off echoes around the marsh. It's so loud that the horses are startled, panicked neighing fill the stable, birds scramble off the trees to fly away. “That came from inside the inn!” He stands up, you drop your façade as he turns away. “Shit!” More shots ring out, then a dozen more, suddenly, it's quiet in the marsh again.
Eli is in the perfect position for you, his body shields you from the afternoon sun as he stands there in a worried state. His gun is in his clammy hand, hammer pushed all the way down. Without a thought, you sit up in a crouched position slowly without startling him. And then you push him on the back of his knees with your shoulder, earning a pained groan from you and a sudden bang when he falls that has you flinching away.
Rubies pool around Eli's body, and you realize, he has shot himself when he fell on his face.
“Fuck.” The voice by the doorway says, you can only see his silhouette, the setting sun directly at his back. He's hunched over, silver gun in his bloodied hand.
“Hobie, are you real?” You could cry, on instinct, you move to get to him but your binds prevent you. Tears cling to your eyelashes as he slowly makes his way towards you. “H-how?”
You can see his face fully now, blood coats his cheeks and neck, eyebrows contorted in pain but his smile tells you otherwise. “I woke up.”
“You did.” Sobbing, you try to hold him even with the ropes around your wrist. “Are you okay?”
Hobie holsters his gun, wiping the blood off his hands on his trousers, and then he cradles your face. Thumb brushing along the tears. “‘m alright, dizzy and a bit of a headache but ‘m alright.” His viridescent eyes are aglow, trapped tears glimmering. “Are you—? Did they hurt you?” He asks in a small voice, afraid of your reply.
You frown, and he already knows the answer. “I thought you wouldn't wake up.”
“With you waitin' for me, of course I'd wake up.” Hobie lays his forehead against your own. He's real, and he's holding you in his arms again. “‘m real, love. I'll never leave you again.”
You cry in his arms even when he cuts off your binds. Your mind is still reeling from the previous event. Body free, you embrace him, face tucked on the crook of his neck. He holds you, kissing your temple, hands rubbing up and down on your back. He apologizes against your skin a hundred times. And you forgive him a hundred more.
Hobie releases all the horses from the stable, all the now riderless horses gallop out in a rush. He guides Cherry and Bucky out to hitch them just outside on the trees and away from the inn and stable. Coming by to get you, who stands in front of the inn.
“I need to get my things.” He says next to you, pinky curled around your own. “Your letters are still in there.”
“I'll come with you.”
“No, you don't need to see that.” His eyes warn you of the sight ahead.
“Too late for that, Hobie.” You thump your head on his bicep. “I’ll watch your back. Just in case.”
“Stay close, yeah?” He smiles softly, letting go of your hand reluctantly. You nod behind him, gun drawn and loaded.
The door opens, you try not to look at the bodies at your feet but your eyes seem to gravitate towards the violence that was left. There's blood splattered all over the walls, Holden's body is hunched over itself, blood seeping out from his numerous gunshot wounds. You walk a bit more, following Hobie's path. Broken glass crunches at your feet, and you see Lucy laying on the ground with her own knife shoved inside her chest. Her eyes are wide open, mouth agape in surprise. By the stairs, in the same position you were in mere hours ago, lies Thomas with a shotgun wound on his back, making you see through him.
“H-how'd you manage this on your own?” Your nails scratch along the metal of your gun.
“You were in danger.” Was all he answered.
As you stand there, you hear something on the floor next to the bar, glancing downwards even though you've had enough of the sight, you find someone who shouldn't be there.
“Culver?” You ask, and he whizzes out.
“Help. Me.” He tugs at your trouser leg, he's drenched in crimson, from his face down to his boots.
“He was hiding underneath the floorboards with the bodies of the actual owners.” Hobie says, guilt is written all over your face. “It's not your fault, love, you gave him a chance and he spat at it.”
“P-please,” he wheezes out, voice hoarse and broken, “they hired me, I-I was just following orders.”
You sniff, fists shaking. “It was my aunt wasn't it?”
Culver shakes his head, desperate to please you, desperate for you to save him again. “No, it was your h—”
Your bullet cuts him off, he lays there, now unmoving, and the gun in your hand smoking. You feel like you're deprived of air. Hands shaking, tears flowing out freely.
Hobie reaches for you slowly, you don't flinch away so he pulls you in, letting you weep against his chest.
The flames ebb away at the building, ashes flying off into the air as the roof collapses down on itself. You let the smoke fill your lungs, watching the fire light up the entire marsh, but it acts as a beacon to where you are. And you can't risk being found, especially when he's back on your side.
You kneel down, placing the framed photograph of the actual owners on the ground, apologizing to them quietly.
“We should go, Hobs.” You softly say, tugging at his sleeves.
He nods, eyes flicking between you and the burning inn. His palm is pointed towards you, waiting for you to reach for him. When your hand slides on his own, all his fears melt away. You're safe, and he's alive— that's all that matters.
Midnight comes, you and Hobie rode further north and away from the chaos you two left. Bucky and Cherry sleep next to each other, both tired from the ride. You tend to the fire while Hobie cleans his hands in a nearby river. The murky water turns a dark shade of red as he scrubs his hands clean, there's blood under his fingernails. And shallow crimson slashes on his arms. Once all the blood has been washed away, he sees a slash on his palm, identical to yours, the one he sutured himself. He winces, and you turn around to check on him. The both of you had been quiet the entire journey, preferring to look on whenever one groans in pain or when either one of you shifts on the saddle. You don't want to talk about it, and he doesn't want to either. Both thinking that it was his and your fault for everything that had happened.
He holds up a hand to you, wordlessly telling you that he's alright. Nodding, you turn back towards the fire, your vision shifts from the campfire in front of you to the burning cinders of the inn. A wet cloth on your cheek jerks you awake.
“Sorry,” Hobie flinches, taking the cold cloth away from your skin. “You have soot all over your face.”
You smile softly, hand reaching for his wrist, gently placing the cloth back to your face. He understands, wiping away the ash off of your skin. You stare at him, face unreadable, bandage still wrapped around his head. “Hobie,” he hums in reply, continuing to wipe the grime off. “You said you had to leave but you never told me how you left. Please tell me what happened that night.” Why did you leave me?
Hobie scooches closer to you, knee to knee, hand still wiping along your forehead. “Hicks did it.” You listen, hands fisting his vest to tamp down your frustration and everything in between. “He was the one who found out, told your aunt and got a group from the factory to ambush me in our meeting place.” His voice breaks but he composes himself. “He was the one who slashed my throat and…” faltering, the cloth slid downwards to your neck, rubbing along your skin. “buried me alive under our tree.”
Your heart clenches, imaging him clawing his way out of the dark earth. “Hicks, h-he married my aunt six months after you left. That motherfucker boasted that he killed you, hid your body in the woods. But I knew better.”
Hobie runs his thumb under your eye, wiping away a stray tear. He gives you a brief smile. “Fucker wasn't content in bein’ the factory manager, he had to ‘eliminate the competition,’ he said. I wasn't even participatin’.”
“I'm sorry,” you wrap your arms over his shoulders, hands holding his jaw. You apologize to him like an acolyte asking for retribution in front of the shrine. “I'm sorry, I should've done something— I could've—”
“There was nothin' you could've done, love. Just like how I couldn't fight back.” He pulls you in, face pressed on the crown of your head. “They used you against me. Told me that you didn't want me anymore. Told me I was a burden to you.”
“No, never. I'd never do that.” You pull away, holding him close, meeting his emerald eyes that reminds you of the best parts of home.
“I know that now. I knew it back then too, but my anger and frustration got the best of me.” He presses a heavy kiss on your forehead as you close your eyes, listening to him breathe. “Peter helped me get out, and all he got from it was getting his eye taken out.”
You gasp softly. “He helped me too,” Hobie looks at you, hands still cradling your face. Hands that are warm against your soft skin. “He didn't tell anyone where you were, I didn't know until now, until your letter. He helped me get on a boat.” You remember that day, it was raining, it was also pouring down back when Hobie left. Your nails dig into your palms when your mind gives you the image of him digging himself out of the flooded soil, lungs inhaling in rain water and dirt. “I–I really wanted to look for you, to run after you but I couldn't.” Hobie presses you against his chest while you heave, tears flowing down your cheeks as you feel his own drop on your head. “They had me under lock and key, they guarded my doors for years, until—” You pause, hands bunched up on his shirt. “I'm so fucking sorry.”
Hobie cradles you in place, arms holding your form as he lets his touch calm you down, accepting your apology, and accepting his faults. “You did good, love, you survived. But I'm ‘ere now, you'll never be back there.” You nod against his chest, Hobie hides his sorrow filled face in the crook of your neck, lips pressed on your skin, mumbling apologies. “When I was runnin’ away while I was still bleedin’, I thought I should at least say goodbye to you. But I changed my mind and went towards the docks while Peter hid me in his cart.” He leans away, just like back then, he doesn't want to sink his teeth into you, to bite hard and draw blood. “I thought that you deserve someone who isn't me. Someone who's not broken. 'm broken, and 'm afraid I'll never return to who I was before.”
You reach up to touch his cheek tenderly, head placed on his lap, cradling your body just like he did under your oak tree. “You are not as broken as you think you are. Not to me, never. You are everything to me, Hobie Brown.” You hug him, for you have no idea how to tell him that you know he can't be ‘fixed’, that there's nothing to be fixed. That even if there was, you'd break yourself, break every muscle and bone in your body, tore it limb from limb so you'd be broken together. That you'll fit right in where his jagged edges lie just like before. But you know you don't have to, because you're just as broken as he is.
"Is there still room left in there for me?" You poke his chest right where his heart is.
His yearning has taken a form in you, it has your face, and it has your voice. You are love incarnate.
"Always. you've never left.” He says softly, words that are only for your ears. You nod, smiling, tilting your head up as he leans down. “Let's go home, love.” He wants to carve out your name in his heart, but he'll settle for the next best thing— etching your lips upon his own.
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redr0sewrites · 6 months
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HI HI!!!! if you do ever decide to write for the archangels i would LOVE sum michael hcs.!!.!!.! i would gobble him up yum yum
jumped skipped and hopped over all my other requests to get to this one LMAO- considering he's non-canon i just went off my own hcs soo yea!!!!
🥀Cw: fluff, smut, bible lore™️, possible religious trauma?
🥀minors dni with the nsfw portion
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Sfw:
Michael has lived a long, long time, he's been alive since before earth was even created and has definitely seen some things
he knows that many mortals experience love, yet he never really felt such a strong connection until he met you. of course he loved his "family", but michael was a stranger to true love
HES SUCH A GENTLEMAN! michael definitely puts your needs before his, and i hc his love languages to be quality time and acts of service. he loves having you by his side more than anything, and is always spending time with you.
he's the type to give you lots and lots of flowers! you two probably have a garden that he goes to get flowers from, because he just loves how happy you get at such a seemingly simple gesture
michael is very protective, but not in a limiting way, he just wants to make sure your safe. after lucifer fell from heaven and created original sin, michael had to step up and take on even more heavenly duties. he knows how important it is to keep you safe and he loves you a lot, so he worries about you a lot
he honestly misses lucifer a lot, but he would never admit it. he talks to you a lot about his other siblings and family, and tells you stories about the beginning of earth and heaven's creation. he definitely introduces you to the other archangels, seraphims, and heavenly virtues, and loves that you get along with them. i definitely think you'd become buddies with azrael or gabriel, and y'all would cause shenanigans together (much to michaels dismay)
michael is literally so patient with you, and it's genuinely so sweet. everyone can tell he's WHIPPED, and he honestly doesn't mind. he'll listen to you ramble for hours on end, he'll try more modern food for you, he'll even adopt your music taste once he starts dating you! michael loves you as a whole and wants to enjoy everything you're interested in
HUSBAND MATERIAL. he definitely takes it upon himself to cook for you, he helps you clean, anything you need help with he volunteers to assist you.
michael is SUCH a morning person you can not tell me im wrong. he wakes up really early, and loves watching you sleep peacefully. he makes you breakfast in the morning and when its time for you to wake up, he always wakes you up with kisses or tickles or both! he loves holding you in the morning, but he's a little strict about getting up on time, he does have heavenly duties to attend to after all. if you do manage to wake up before him, you might manage to convince him to stay in bed with you for just a few more minutes. he honestly has such a soft spot for you
you are one of the few people allowed to touch his wings, which is a HUGE sign of trust on michael's part. he usually keeps his wings hidden, but there comes a time when they get so irritating that they just need to be preened. he gets all huffy about it because its "such an inconvenience", and you get to laugh at his pouty face while you gently preen his wings!
i think all the archangels have 6 wings, so it definitely takes a while. michael probably falls asleep halfway through, the feeling of your soft, smaller hands on his wings just makes him feel soft and drowsy. preening often transitions to.... other activities if yk what i mean bc of how sensitive angels' wings are. because michael keeps his wings hidden so often, his wings are especially sensitive and its one of the few times you'lll ever see him blush hehe
he has a really soft, smooth voice, and you LOVE listening to him speak. michael will definitely read to you if you ask, and you can't help but nod off to the sound of his melodic voice. i definitely think most abgels are very musical or at least enjoy music, and if you beg, you may get him to sing for you. his voice is lovely, and he'll sing you soft lullabies in old languages that you can't understand but know are loving
you two very rarely argue, and whenever you do come to a disagreement, michael adamantly refuses to raise his voice at you. he would never yell at you or say anything harsh, and is more likely to opt to just spend some time apart to think on the disagreement. he never lets you two go to bed upset, and will always sit down to have a conversation with you about any clashes you two have. i dont see him as too stubborn and i think he's willing to compromise on most accounts, but its very rare that you two argue anyway because he's so sweet all the time
Nsfw:
michael is 100% a giver in bed. he loves giving you oral and always prioritizes your pleasure over his own. he's always focused on making you cum first and really enjoys pleasing you
i see him as a switch, he could definitely be a pleasure dom but i also see him as a bit of a sub as well. sometimes all of his work and overall stress gets to his head, and he trusts you enough to let you take the reins and get him out of his own head. when he subs, he's definitely much louder and a lot whinier. he's definitely not a brat and would probably do anything you ask him to
he has a praise kink both ways, and loves showering you in praise. michael definitely likes mirror sex, and will tell you to call yourself beautiful of pretty or handsome as he fucks you.
"darling, look at how pretty you are. c'mon, i want to hear you say it. look in the mirror, don't you see how pretty you are?"
eye contact is important to him, and he enjoys a lot of basic positions like missionary and things like that, but i also see him being into lotus position because he loves being so close to you.
michael isn't very loud when it comes to sex, but he is big on talking to you. he loves whispering sweet nothings to you as you cum, and praising you in how well you took him
he isn't ridiculously vanilla, but he hasn't been very adventurous either. while i don't think he's had any official relationships before you, i dont see him as a virgin. he's probably slept with a few people, so he has some experience, but he's still learning as well. i think he's down to try most things as long as you're into them, but he wouldn't want to hurt you too much
michael may feel a bit awkward about sex, sure he knows its not a big deal, but a part of him doesn't want to overstep any of your boundaries either. he wants you to know that he's with you because he loves you, not just for sex and will make that abundantly clear. y'all definitely have a serious conversation about it before the first time you have sex, and you definitely have a safeword
GUYS HEAR ME OUT but i think he'd have a bit of a corruption kink. he'd never admit it but the thought of him being your first is SUCH a turn on, and he really loves when you get so fucked-put that you're incoherent. i think he'd be down for a bit of role play, but only if you're into it and it would definitely relate to some sort of corruption or religious corruption
i don't think he'd degrade you too much, but i do think he might mock you a bit. "oh, you were such a devout little thing, i wonder what the others would think of you now darling. sucking in my cock like a vice, you really aren't so innocent after all, aren't you dear?"
he loves overstimulating you until you're incoherent, but i don't think he's big on orgasm denial. he loves pleasuring you and he loves rewarding you more than anything. the only time i see him really denying your orgasms is if you've been a major brat and have pushed him over the edge, or if you ask him to. either way he's gonna mock you a bit on how filthy you are, but will still praise you for taking it so well
he has definitely bought you a lot of pretty little necklaces and loves seeing you in nothing but the gifts he bought you. the way the charm bounces against your chest as he fucks you, it drives him crazy! especially if theyre gold or if theyre cross necklaces, bc its so similar to his color scheme
he likes holding your hand during sex. its very intimate, and he always gives your hand a little squeeze as he's coming
i think one of the few things he's against during sex is hurting you. sure, he'll mock you here and there, but hurting you? no, its just a turnoff for him. your the most precious thing in his life, he'd never want to hurt you even in jest. if you really, really wanted him to you might get him to tie you down or maybe hold your throat/face while he fucks you, but he would never go as far as to hurt you
when it comes to you fucking him, he loves to be praised and pampered. its a bit embarrassing, but he's often so overworked and pent up that he really loves being treated sweetly. he might cry a bit during sex, trust me he's ok, he just gets overstimulated really easily. michael definitely enjoys it tho!
speaking of overstimulation, PLEASE touch his wings during sex! you'll get the sweetest moans and whimpers from him, and he'll get so whiny. its one of the few times he'll beg, and he both loves and hates when you make him cum untouched by only stroking his wings
aftercare is very important to michael, and he always takes time to clean you both up. it's an unspoken agreement that whoever tops cleans up the other first and starts the bath while the person who subbed takes a minute to catch their breath. he always wipes down your thighs and cleans you off, and when it comes to baths, he'll always make sure everything is ready before carrying you to the tub. when he's subbing, he'll probably try his best to help you but may push himself a bit too hard because he's so tired. PLEASE kiss him and pamper him in the tub, tell him how much you love him!!!!
hes genuinely just so sweet in bed and during aftercare, and overall cares about you a lot
PLSSS THE HYPWRFIXATION IS INSANE. I LOVE ALL THE ARCHANGELS AND HEAVEN AUS SM!!!!!!!!! CRYING BEGGING PLEEEADING FOR YALL TO SEND IN REQUESTS FOR ANYONE FROM THE HEAVEN AUS. the one im most familiar with is @esbellesantos au and my fav is azrael so PLSSS feel free to send in azrael reqs 😇 anyways hope yall enjoyed!!! i loved writing this sm!!!!
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stoutguts · 2 months
Text
headcanon rambling/my personal hc for Johnny's backstory bc I think it'd be interesting also I like the idea of Ghoap where the both of them had a shitty childhood bc of an abusive parent and the both of of them hv trauma/I love angst 💕
CW: drug add\ction, s*lf-h*rm/s*icide, parental/child abvse
Soap was born into a big family in the Scottish countryside, being the youngest with 6 older sisters. His father was a deadbeat, and walked out on him at a young age, being effectively raised by his mom and big sisters. Having strong female influences on his life benefited him greatly in the long run, he grew up to be a very well-adjusted, kind, and respectful man (particularly towards women, as he is a staunch feminist (you go Johnny).
However, on the other hand the only true parental figure in his life, his mother, was a horrible person. She was mentally and emotionally abusive, as well as unstable. She would even get physical with her children at times, including Soap. Johnny was also raised Roman Catholic, though today he considers himself agnostic or a flat out atheist. His mother was incredibly homophobic and transphobic and would use religion to justify her bigotry towards him, leading Soap to hating himself and struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation for years. Particularly, by cutting himself (he has s/h scars all over his thighs, arms, and shoulders). Has attempted at least 10+ times in the past. Not to mention, he did a lot of hard drugs during his middle and high school years to cope with his mother's abuse. (Particularly coke and heroin). He's come incredibly close to ODing on a few occasions. An addict and a total mess, until his sisters intervened and forced him against his will into rehab.
After 2 or so years he was clean and eligible for the military.
He still relapses from time to time (whether it's self-harm or drugs), and when he does its bad. He even still regularly smokes weed to this day, though it's not nearly as bad as some other substances. It's a wonder he hasn't been discharged, probably because he's too much of an asset.
Ghost is the one to bring him out of his slumps now. Not minding one bit, as all Simon cares about is Johnny's safety and well-being.
Needless to say, he could never see religion in the same light after that. He’s even quite apprehensive and wary of people whom are religious and religion in general.
He and his mother were never close and soon would never get along with each other, as he’s proud and not the type to even tolerate shit from anyone. It was an almost daily occurrence that he and his mom would fight, particularly when he finally reached his pre-teen/teen years, sometimes evolving into full-blown screaming matches.
Being the protective type of person that he is, most of the time he’d get into fights because of his sisters coming to him about how mom had hit them or made them cry (despite the fact he feels nothing but pure hatred for his mum, he has a very deep bond/connection to each and everyone of his sisters and loves them all dearly).
That was what pissed him off more than anything.
His mom could do whatever she wanted with him, frankly he stopped caring and her cutting words no longer held any weight or meaning to him at some point, and being hit was soon the equivalent to getting bit by a mosquito, he became numb. He didn't know when he stopped feeling, but he did. (He of course wasn't entirely immune, she'd eventually break him). But he was determined to stay strong for his siblings.
Bringing harm upon his sisters? No way in hell that was ever gonna fly, and he didn't care if she was his mother or not.
Johnny naturally grew to resent his mother, and to this day he still calls her a “witch” or a "cunt" instead of his mum. Eventually he’d had enough and couldn’t take his mother’s abuse any longer, (she is half of the reason he went into the military as soon as he possibly could, besides it being a lifelong and childhood dream of his).
He kept in touch with his sisters (and still does), of course, calls them everyday or whenever he gets the chance to let them know he’s alive and well and to see how their doing. Visits when he can or when he’s off duty. Though he completely cut ties with his mother after joining the military,—a couple of his sisters would keep him posted on what was going on with her.
Later on, his mother went to go on to be diagnosed with terminal cancer, and passed shortly thereafter.
He attended the funeral up in Scotland, but mainly for his sisters’ sakes. He actually ended up staying in Scotland for a while after that to provide support for his sisters, (emotional or otherwise), and to try to ease the grieving process. Even though she wasn’t the greatest mom or person in general, it was still a tough loss. Though Soap still didn’t regret cutting her out of his life,—it was fucked up but he was glad that she died in a way, and even visited her grave just once after the funeral, by himself, just so he could spit on it. Maybe even say some things he never was able to say to her, half as retribution and half to just get it off his chest.
Ghost is the only one who knows of Johnny's past and his abusive mother, and is incredibly understanding and gentle about it (as naturally it's a particularly touchy subject). On all official stuff regarding his background, the most it ever details is where he was born or that he was raised Roman Catholic. Not to mention, although Soap is a yapper and almost never shuts up, he’s a very private person and just simply doesn’t like others knowing his business (with the exception of Ghost of course).
Even though Johnny didn’t let his mother’s death bother him regarding the funeral and his prolonged visit to Scotland, when he got back he broke down completely.
He stayed strong for his sisters as he felt like he had to and just as he's always done, but the facade came crashing down once he was in Simon's arms again.
He hated his mum, she didn't really deserve his tears, yet she was still his mum. That fact still reigned true even after everything.
And Ghost was there by his side the whole time. Hell, if anyone knows what it's like to lose a family member, it's Simon "Ghost" Riley. Whether they be toxic or not. Simon's heart positively ached for Soap, and they couldn't help but get all misty eyed at Johnny's pure, unbridled grief.
Ghost had never felt so sorry for anyone in his life, and Soap was eternally grateful for Simon's patience, empathy, and it consoling him to the best of their ability. 💖
DADDY ISSUES GHOST AND MOMMY ISSUES SOAP MY BELOVED(S)
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I'm here, queer, and highly likely to disappear*; but here's a very unreliable introduction to this narrator.
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Hi, I'm Saturn (for now at least, i think.)
I'm a black 20-something year old writer with a imagination that happens to be active at the wrong times. When I'm not writing, you'll find me struggling through classes and holding my cats in air jail for chewing on my clothes. and you probably thought a college dorm dryer was bad...
I often use music as a progression for my writing, using it to build the personality and lifes of my characters, cause I think you can tell a lot about a person with the type of music they listen to. This goes the same for food, whether they're cooking (or lack thereof), eating (which there'll a lot of and not just food), just for the sake of storytelling. Cause food can tell a story too!
You'll also see the use of Sims4 in these posts, there's nothing better to me than to be able to build my world from the ground up even if it is tedious. I often burnout myself out between both writing and building so its nice to be able to switch between the two! here's a small character visual as a start!
it's also nice to watch my characters evolve real time, they tend to outgrow some things faster than i can keep up.
As a current researching and scrappy practitioner, you will see hints of practical magic(k)/workings/information in my works. Influences from traditionally african american practices will be underlying themes in this world of mine; within my scope of course. How my characters navigate through a world that is both mundane and spiritual is something they'll have to overcome in all aspects; and how they affect future lives and timelines is all hanging on the fading tradition of storytelling.
follow, share, and embrace their stories; because there's only one way to keep them alive.
as for what i write or rather my niche: the unreliable multiverse
genres: (comp) (hist) (queer) romance, urban/southern horror, urban fantasy, and apocalyptic sci-fic.
topics/tropes: religious deconstruction, religious trauma, witchcraft (mundane, practical, scrappy, cultural, A(A)TRs.) anti-racism/racism,politics, social structure,found family, star-crossed lovers, childhood friends to lovers, ancestral/familial secrets, morally-grey protagonists,coming of age, the anti-christ, HEA, small town horror, mental illness/disorders, philosophy.
for some these topics may be a lot, and while i want my writing to be a source of escapism...fiction will always be influenced by reality, and that is something that will be in my writing (just not to the extremes), expect CW and TWs but they will not always be there.
CURRENT WIPs: the big three
Where The River Bends:
Bored of modern romance and her own life, Elaine Brown suffers from being a daydreaming, skeptical, hopeless romantic. In a plead to the Universe to grace her with a new addition to her routine, she finds herself stumbling into spell unlike her very own. Warren Soo has be dreaming of a life where days can feel like a breath of fresh air. When a random chance driven by his choices puts him in the space of unsuspecting Elaine, he can't help but be bewitched by the ease in which her days go by. Together, they navigate the modern world of romance with just the sprinkle of magic.
theme song
tag: #goddamnitsamson
Aletheia:
Sanctum, place of human design created to preserve those who survived the last of nature's destruction. When humanity was suddenly reckoned with the damage of over creation they are forced to pick between two things.
Stay or leave.
For those that had the ability to leave, Sanctum embraced them with open arms; promising a generational haven within their walls. Here, the people are communities; removed from the worries of past plagues and mortal insecurities. But all peace must follow order.
Questioning the world she's grown in , Emilia Porter has wanted to escape the stone boundary of Sanctum. Taking a chance to explore the land beyond, she registers for the Vanguard; the exploration and task forces that protect and serve the lasting stand of humanity.
Now away from the containing hands of those who seek perfection, she must weigh the truths; both tailored and unwritten.
theme song
tag: #findthetruthyouseek
Cherries Under The Sun:
A southern gothic horror that follows Grace Davis even in her dreams. Stuck in a constant cycle of despair, Grace often finds herself living in a loop of a forgotton past, wondering about the should've, would've, and could haves of her life. When her small college town of Marietta is shaken by a rise in missing cases, her hollow world soon becomes a flash of white papers and bloody lines. Now that her daily life of being ignored comes to halt and the lives of those around her are blurring together, they must now find a way to get their world back to normal. Before it is erased altogether.
theme song; intro; taglist
tag: #howsweettheesound
I don't know what else to put here, but that my characters are much like myself. Weird, witchy, creepy, romantic, sensitive,sarcastic, inquisitive (that's a big word for elmo), and a range of clumsy that only a handful of people can enjoy sooo...
IF you've found me or my wips to be interesting, please feel free to follow, ask a question or comment. Thanks for reading all this and from reader to another, create the book you've always wanted to see. Edison out!
i also don't really know how taglist work but if you wanna here's where to keep up! #theunreliableverse
1.* psst...you can find me and (to be)published works here!
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walrus150915 · 4 months
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cw religious trauma
No but like guys you do realize Ambrosius probably has religious trauma right
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