#and so excited to start the season 2 sets very soon

[simplykorra]

ava silva + season one

[holdmytesseract]

Hello I was wondering if you could do a Daryl Dixon in the first few seasons when he got shot and an arrow to the side. Where the reader is taking care of him while he is recovering.

Approaches

Daryl Dixon x fem!Reader

Summary: When Andrea mistakes Daryl for a walker and shots him, you are here to take care of the injured archer; causing the both of you to get closer...

Set in Season 2!

Warnings: Andrea? gunshot, weapons, TWD stuff, blood, injuries, fluff, idiots in love?

Word Count: 1,7k

a/n: I had a lot of fun writing this! I never wrote S2 Daryl before, so... Very exciting! I hope you like it, nonny and thanks for requesting!

Daryl Masterlist °☆• Masterlist

You were in Dale's RV, peacefully napping on the little bench with your back pressed up against the window and your body squashed between the back rest and the small table. Your actual plan was to study the map Hershel had given your group, in order to search for Sophia - and not to doze off, but well... Your body had a different opinion on your priorities. And you'd have definitely slept for another while, if not a loud noise ripped you cruelly out of your sleep.

You shot up; heart hammering against your chest. A gunshot. It was a gunshot! "Shit," you cursed and scrambled to get up. On slightly wobbly feet - due to your rushed movements, you more or less stumbled down the few steps of the RV and immediately ran to the front. You saw Rick, Shane, T-Dog and Glenn up ahead on the meadow in distance waving and shouting something like mad men.

"What happened?" You asked and looked to your right, where Dale stood on the little ladder which led to the RV's roof. Andrea kneeled on top; rifle in hands and smiling victoriously. "Apparently a walker made-," was all Dale could say, before he got interrupted by quick footsteps coming from the house and Hershel's voice.

"What on earth is going on out here?" He yelled; all the other's gathering around him. All eyes were directed on the four men, but when they started to crouch around the 'walker' and lift him up to his feet, everybody soon realised that the walker was definitely not a walker.

"Oh my god, is that...?" Andrea spoke almost in a panicked voice; quickly ushering Dale down the ladder, so that she could climb down as well.

You took a few steps forward; squeezing your eyes shut to identify the 'walker', but deep down, you already knew. No ten seconds later, your eyes widened; heart rate picking up again. "Daryl! Oh my god, that's Daryl!" You started to run; Andrea following you behind.

"I-Is he dead?" You asked Rick and Shane - who had each draped one arm of the archer over their shoulders and carrying him, in a quivering voice. Rick shook his head. "Nah, just unconscious," the leader answered; then turned his gaze to a shaken Andrea. "Bullet only grazed him."

Slight relief washed over you, but your worries nevertheless didn't cease. Daryl looked bad. All caked in dirt and mud; his top soaked in blood. You couldn't tell if it was his own or from walkers.

Chewing on your thumbnail, you watched how Shane and Rick dragged the archer inside the house, so that Hershel could take care of his wound. You hesitatingly followed them and sat down on the steps of the porch; soon getting lost in thoughts.

It wasn't like you and Daryl were a thing or something. Actually not at all. However, you had grown very fond of him the past days and weeks. Something intrigued you and seemed to draw you closer to Daryl. You liked him. A lot. Most of the group only saw his rough and edged exterior, but you also saw that he had also a different side. His selflessness. Braveness. Protectiveness. You knew Daryl was a good man.

Almost everyone of the group had noticed, of course, that you had cast an eye on the crossbow-wielding redneck. You weren't quite subtle in your words and gestures; how you acted around him. You, though, you were oblivious to the others observations.

"Hey, Y/N," a voice urged to your ears and caused you to snap out of your thoughts. Turning your head to the left, you saw how Lori placed a hand on your shoulder. "You okay?"

You gave her a soft smile. "Yeah, sure." She nodded and gestured towards the main door. "You should go to him," Lori said and gave you a wink as she passed you by. "He's upstairs." Your eyes followed the brown haired woman, before they travelled over to the door. Biting your lip, you stood up and made your way inside.

Just as you set foot in the hallway, you saw Hershel exiting a room to the left; some medical stuff in hands. The older man saw you approaching and gave you a nod. "H-How is he? Is it bad?" Hershel shook his head. "He'll live. A few days of rest and he should be a'right again." Now you were the one who nodded. "Thank you." He gave you an uptight smile as he passed you by. "Can I, uh, go to him?" "Of course." With those words, Hershel was out of your sight; left you standing alone in the hallway.

You stared at the doorhandle for a moment, took a deep breath and knocked. A gruff 'Yeah' coming from inside the room allowed you to step inside. So, you did.

Gently closing the door behind yourself, your eyes fell on Daryl, who was snugly wrapped up in a blanket on the bed; a bandage around his head. At the sound of your footsteps, he turned; now facing you.

"Hey," you softly greeted him; giving him a small smile. "Thought I'll come look after you..." You were still concerned about his well-being. After all, he was shot - even though the bullet just grazed. "How are you feeling?"

Daryl shook his shoulders with a grunt. "'M fine." You weren't neither convinced by the answer nor were you believing that he was telling the truth, but you decided to leave it for now. So, you just nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him; gently placing a hand on his arm. Your skin on his didn't fail to send a shiver down your spine. This bold, simple gesture was already enough to drive the butterflies within your stomach wild - and not just yours...

You were totally oblivious to Daryl's slight flinch as you suddenly touched his arm; eyelids fluttering for just a moment. It wasn't like the others from the group hadn't 'touched' him before... A clap from Rick on the back, Carol's hand on his shoulder. Simple gestures, which he usually wasn't fond of. Bad memories were connected with touch, so he learned to avoid it. But your touch... Your palm on his forearm... That was different.

"What happened?" You whispered. Daryl could see worry in your eyes. Honest concern. You didn't just ask out of politeness, no... You meant it.

Once more he shrugged his shoulders; trying to play it cool. "Horse threw me off, fell down a slope 'n well... Caused one of ma arrows to kinda impale me." Your eyes widened. "Hang on, wha'? You got impaled by your arrow?!" "Yeah, 's not a big deal." You felt how your heart sped up. "Not a big deal?! Daryl, you could've died!"

He shook his head. "Nah. I ain't jus' die like a pussy. 'S a boring death. 'Sides Hershel got me fixed again."

You blinked; little bit overwhelmed by the information and his words. You swallowed; worry taking over then once again.

"Are you in pain? Is there something I can do for you?"

And that was the moment Daryl's cool façade started to crumble down entirely. You were so sweet and kind to him - something he didn't deserve. And yet you willingly gave it to him. From that day on, Daryl stopped pushing you away. He let you stay with him while his wounds healed; let you entertain him with a book you read out loud or some of your funny childhood and teenager stories. You brought him food, made sure he stayed hydrated in the Georgia heat and cleaned his wounds and changed the bandages. You were no nurse, but you had at least a little experience.

"I don't hurt you, do I?" You asked while you carefully dabbed the wound on his temple, where Andrea's bullet had grazed him. "Nah, ya don't. 'S all good." "Good." You gave Daryl a small smile, before you concentrated on cleaning the wound again. Daryl's blue-grey eyes watched you intensely; saw the frown on your face and the tip of your tongue poking out between your closed lips. His heart fluttered. You looked cute - and he could've watched you for several hours like this, but unfortunately you were way to quickly finished and before he could blink, you had patched his wound again and with that your touch was gone.

"There you go. All finished." "Thank you," Daryl croaked out; his voice definitely more hoarse than usual. You nervously tucked a loose strand behind your ear, "Of course." before meeting his gaze; looking into his beautiful blue-grey orbs.

The tension between you and him was literally cuttable with a knife as you stared into each other's eyes; totally lost. Neither of you didn't even notice how you moved closer. Daryl propping himself up on his elbows, while you leaned down; on your way to meet him halfway.

But when the redneck's brain finally managed to catch up with the situation he was in and suddenly realised that he was inches away from kissing you, his mind panicked and immediately went to pull up the invisible walls he had built around himself through the years - and so Daryl turned his head away, before your lips could touch his; clearing his throat.

"I should... I should get some more sleep."

You immediately sat back on your haunches; the beautiful, intimate moment gone. Bursted in front of your eyes like a bubble. You cleared your throat as well; nodding. "Yeah, I, uh, I should go, too. 'S getting dark soon, so, uh, time for dinner, right?" You tried to stay cool and just play off what happened a few seconds ago, but you were not very good at it - and Daryl noticed. Nevertheless, he played along.

"Yeah, right."

You gave him a soft, uptight smile and got up. "I, uh, I'll come back later to bring you dinner, okay?" "Alrigh'." Another awkward smile crossed your lips, before you went to leave hit tent; zipping it shut behind yourself.

The moment you were gone, Daryl led himself fall back down on his sleeping bag with a frustrating groan; rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He wanted to kiss you. He really wanted to - but he just got cold feet. His fear of letting someone getting too close to him in the way.

He groaned again. "Ya fuckin' coward..."

Tags: @suniloli @stitchintimefan @celtic-crossbow @fictive-sl0th @loz-3 @erebus-et-eigengrau @km-ffluv @fuseburner @sweetz1919 @in-this-minute @mandywholock1980 @lou12346789 @mischief-dream @crimson25 @buttercupcookies-blog @salvinaa @javagirl328

[doromoni]

Clash of Champions | LH44 , MV1

Act 2 . Part 3 : The Champion’s Weapon

Ships : Lewis Hamilton x Engineer! Reader , Max Verstappen x Engineer! Reader

Genre : Drama , Angst , Romance

Warning : Morally Grey Characters , Swearing , Insinuation of Forced Drug Use,

A/N: Forgive me for taking so long. University had me by the neck.

Summary : The rivalry between the titans of Formula 1 goes off track and only one will reign victorious

< Previous Masterlist Next >

Act 2. ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The sudden exit of Y/N L/N had put immense pressure on Mercedes. Investors had started pulling out and stock shares were dropping by the second. The influence behind your name was something that Mercedes had never accounted for.

Your move to Red Bull has been one of the most shocking news of Formula 1 since Sebastian Vettel’s move to Ferrari. The name Y/N L/N had always been strongly associated with the German racing team — No one outside Mercedes had expected the sudden team shift.

From the outsider's perspective, Y/N L/N and Mercedes were a package deal. Your supposed initial start at being Nico’s head engineer had turned heads. Then you suddenly transferred to Lewis’ team without explanation and had the paddock talking. But are you leaving Mercedes to move to their rival, in the middle of the most competitive season? All of the motorsport is in the question of why.

You were the best race engineer of your time. Every other team would kill to have you in their pit wall. Now Red Bull had you and your addition to the team was forecasted to be monstrous on the grid.

Nothing was set, but rumors had spread that you were going to be Max’s engineer as soon as possible.

The rumors were not baseless. You were ready to go and wreak havoc on Mercedes. And if that meant being with Max at Red Bull, then you’ll do so with a smile.

The excitement and eagerness of a new start was seeping off of you as you entered Red Bull Racing Headquarters. Your red-bottomed heels resounded with every step you took. Each step confident as the last one.

Red Bull’s factory was a sight to behold, the atmosphere felt very much alive and bustling. People in uniforms and iPads fly in and out of rooms like worker bees.

Each one greeted you with smiles, waves and with some stopping and talking to you as if you weren’t the enemy just a few races before. The feeling and interaction were so foreign, you have forgotten that not every motorhome was as toxic as Mercedes.

Your eyes linger towards the ginormous 2 story wall of trophies. It was not short of impressive. But what caught your attention wasn’t the number of trophies … but the empty section on it.

Then suddenly, you were pulled into a warm embrace. Your back is tucked into their chest, and a strong pair of arms are wrapped around your waist loosely. The scent of sandalwood, spice and bourbon filled your senses.

“Christian said that section was for me. For future wins and all. ” Max spoke down to your ear, his breath sending your stomach spinning in every good way possible. His thumb gently brushed over your hips.

You couldn’t help but chuckle as he said that. Leave it to Horner to show his favor towards the Dutch Driver.

Although you enjoyed being in the comfortable and warm hug of the Dutch driver, you realized that you were still in the middle of the lobby.

So you reluctantly removed yourself from Max’s hold. Your eyes suddenly turn your attention back to the bewildered Red Bull employees and staff who are watching you and Max wide-eyed.

Shocked at the display of affection from their usually stoic 1st driver. What's more, it was towards the beautiful race engineer with a reputation of being merciless. The news of what happened at the party didn’t help your odds.

The situation suddenly dawned on you. People just saw you and Max.

“Shit! Max people are looking ” You looked at the Dutch driver, alarmed. The memories of Lewis denying your relationship to all of Mercedes came back to you. And you couldn’t lie, it still stung.

“Yeah, I know. Why, what’s wrong Y/N? ” Max was so nonchalant and unconcerned. You and Max haven’t talked about what your relationship was and what it would mean for the both of you when you were to become coworkers. Your mouth went ajar at his calmness.

“What’s with that expression? Should I be concerned?” Now Max looked at you confused as he surveyed the environment.

“You don’t care? “ You asked. Max just shrugged and muttered a no. His hand finds its way toward your waist again.

Laughing to yourself, finding the circumstances extremely funny. A huge smile then blossomed on your face. While Max was looking down at you with amusement.

“Why should I care if people are looking? Is it weird to hug my girlfriend?” Max called you his girlfriend as if were natural. He said it with so much assurance

“I'm your girlfriend?” You asked, now a smile wide on your lips. You were teasing the driver, but you had butterflies. You felt giddy as you gazed at Max.

“If you’ll take me as your boyfriend and wouldn’t mind me taking you out and spoiling you. Then yeah, you’re my girlfriend” The look on Max's was smug, and he had every right to be. Max’s charming ways did things to you and he knew it.

“Hmm , I don’t know. I’m not sure if I should be dating my driver. Conflict of interests, you know?” You played along — a glint in your eye that Max surely got.

“Maybe you're right, I’ll move to Mercedes then” Max joked back. You laughed along making sure to slap his chest with faux disapproval.

Your humor matched Max’s and learning each other’s boundaries was easy.

“Oh, you better not!” You exclaimed exaggerating. Max continued to laugh along.

“Seriously, Y/N. Will you please be my girlfriend officially ?” Max’s voice then held seriousness and a little bit of uncertainty. He looked directly into your eyes, never breaking eye contact.

You took a deep breath.

“In one condition, we will not keep our relationship a secret. If we are truly to do this, we are not hiding from anybody. “ your voice started to tremble as you went on.

A soft understanding smile fell on Max’s face. He knew exactly how much you’d suffered from your previous relationship.

“ I want everyone to know that you’re mine and that they have no chance with you. You’re mine to keep. Schat”

Your face burned red. You didn’t think that Max calling you pet names would be that attractive. But you were so wrong.

You loved how Max said it, loving how he was solely looking at you as he uttered the endearment in his mother tongue.

“Well then, boyfriend. How about we talk about it with our boss? Hm,” You insisted, for your sanity’s sake. You hoped that Max understood your dilemma.

“Already did” Max grinned down at you. Your eyes grew wide. Max did what your ex couldn’t do in years. You were frozen in shock.

And he took the opportunity of your surprise as his hand found its way to yours, and he pulled you somewhere.

“I was interested in you for a while, but you were with Lewis. But when you broke up, I took my chances and I already notified Christian just in case.“ Max explained as he continued to gently guide you somewhere.

“Well I didn’t know that Max Verstappen had a crush on me” As you said those words, Max suddenly stopped causing you to hit his back.

Then he started to look at you with both astonishment and disbelief. And you find the expression cute on Max.

Suddenly, he took your face in his hands and squished your cheeks — shocking you in the process.

“Y/N L/N . I was flirting with you every chance I got. When you visited me at the clinic after my crash, I thought that I was hallucinating ” Max said seriously, his piercing blue eyes gazing into yours.

“You probably were hallucinating a tiny bit, that was a big crash” You added —Max recognized the guilt in your voice. You still blamed yourself a little bit for that.

“Y/N, Schat. That was not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself. Now come, We’re going to Newey, He wanted to talk to you” Max’s hand found its way to your lower back, guiding you towards the double doors that lead to a glass office.

You felt goosebumps travel up your arms. Max’s attention made you feel cared for and you couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in your stomach.

“Wow…. Adrian Newey wants to talk to me. Wait, but how about Christian? He’s probably waiting in the lobby! “ you suddenly remembered that you were supposed to be waiting for your team principal in the lobby.

“I’ll let him know that you’re busy with Newey,” Max said as he kept nudging you into the office towards another door near the back.

You couldn’t help but chuckle, F1 drivers did tend to be spoiled. And Max wasn’t immune to that. Not when everyone at Red Bull loved their champion contender.

As Max opened the door, there sat Mr. Adrian Newey scribbling in his famous notebook.

You were dumbstruck, it was always a dream to work with the legend that is Adrian Newey.

Your fascination with developing and designing cars was one you held most deeply. However, even when you were a head race engineer during your time with Mercedes — your inputs were never taken seriously.

“ Newey! I’ve brought Y/N, as requested “ Max beamed as he was excited for you. He knew how much this meant.

Adrian looked up from his notebook — his eyes found Max and then it settled on you. You suddenly grew nervous and your palms started to sweat.

“Ms. Y/N! It is my pleasure to finally have you on board!” Newey smiled at you, as he offered his hand.

You quickly shook his hand, still amazed.

“It’s an honor to work with you, Sir! It’s my pleasure” you gushed like a fangirl. Max looked at you with fondness.

“Just call me Newey or Adrian, Ms. Y/N. “ He offered as he stood from his seat and went near you and Max.

“Only if you’d call me Y/N” you offered back with a huge smile still on your face

“Max, you may go. I only need Y/N here” Adrian waved his hand in a shooing manner towards the Dutch driver, who was now pouting.

“Fine, I’ll be back later. Bye, Adrian.” He said towards the developer.

“I’ll see you later Schat.” Max bid you farewell and left — but not without kissing your forehead.

“Well, Y/N I need your input towards the car I’m developing for next year. “ You suddenly grew giddy and excited as Adrian uttered those words

You were going to help in developing a car!

“ What do you say Y/N are you up for it? Will you help me with the RB18?“

“Let’s make a rocket ship, Adrian” You couldn't help but show your excitement as the smile on your face widened.

***

United States Grand Prix

It was finally qualifying. The paddock was bustling with people walking all over trying to find their seats and drivers talking to their engineers inside their garages.

It was officially your first time being Max’s head race engineer. And from the practice sessions yesterday, you were glad that everything went smoothly with Max.

You were confident in your paring as driver and engineer; he trusted in your decisions and you honored his every feedback. You two were like clockwork, everything fell into place.

And so you weren’t worried for Qualifying at all. You knew that Max was ready. You made sure of it.

You were already seated in the pit wall as Max was talking with Christian inside the garage.

When suddenly, you received a text. It was from Lewis. Your forehead scrunched as your eyes fell into the Mercedes Garage; Lewis was not inside.

After a few minutes of Contemplating, you decided to answer.

What the fuck was that??!! So many thoughts filled your mind. Was Lewis telling the truth? Was he lying Why did text he you now? Out of all times.

Was this a tactic to psych you out? To take you out of your focus and fuck with your reasoning. Was Lewis desperate enough to use such devices just to beat Max?

You knew that Mercedes was capable of using cheap shots to put themselves ahead and from what you’ve seen from Lewis recently… he was capable of the same.

You continued to stare at your text conversation. No , you won’t allow yourself to overthink. Not right now when so much was on the line.

You had to prove yourself to the world of motorsport that you were more than the Mercedes race engineer.

You won't allow them to fuck up your freedom, not again.

“Y/N? Are you ok?” You were cut from your thoughts by the radio message from Max. You didn’t realize that Q1 had already started and cars had started to come out of their garage.

“All good, thanks Max” You knew that it wasn’t the right time to tell Max. He needed to focus on— he needed to take pole.

And you will do everything in your power to lead him to that.

Mercedes and Lewis could wait in hell for all you’d care

“All right, Max. Just like we did in the simulation. You go first, then Checo will be right behind you”

“Copy, Y/N” Max was finally on his out lap.

“Radio check, Radio check. Final check”

“Loud and clear, dear” You didn’t expect Max to say that at all. Your face started heating up and your heart was beating way too fast and way too loud.

You knew that Max said that he wanted everyone to know but you weren’t expecting it so soon.

Trying to gain your professionalism back, you cleared your throat with a cough. You heard your team snickering from the sidelines — trying not to laugh at your flustered state.

“Funny Max, now back to focusing on the lap hmm?” You tried to play it cool.

“Will do, ms. L/N” The tone Max used was still playful.

In your other ear, you heard Crofty commentating.

“And that was Y/N L/N from the Red Bull pit wall, all friendly with Max Verstappen. It’s nice to finally have her back. It quite weird to see her in blue and red rather than silver, but everyone missed you Ms. L/N.”

Then suddenly Nico Rosberg had decided to join in with the slightly older commentator.

“She finally left her cage and Red Bull gave her wings! I’m kidding, I’m kidding. But it didn’t shock me that Y/N decided to explore more. From my time working with her, when she was my race engineer back in 2012– I was sure that she was up for greatness.

You were shocked by Nico’s statement. You were always led to think that your past with him had led him to hate you. So much ugliness had happened within Mercedes that you thought his opinion of you was bitter.

You two never had closure when he left the team so you assumed that he resented you like he did with Lewis.

And so you were more than shocked that he was praising you on live TV.

You shook your head and focused your mind on qualifying. It was your first race and it was time to earn your position at Red Bull.

“OK, Max. It’s time for a fast lap. Tyre temperature is at its optimal and there is no heavy traffic on track”

Max was a natural behind the wheel. It was as if the car was a part of him. He breezed past Q1 and Q2 perfectly, earning P2 and P1 respectively.

It was finally the last qualifying session.

“Max, how’s the car feeling?” You asked your boyfriend for feedback.

“The front could be sharper. And the rear needs to be tighter, I could feel the car snapping at turn 5” You checked your data sheet, and Max was right he was oversteering on turn 5

“Will look into it.” And with that, you and your team started to make some changes to the car, as per Max’s input.

“Abort the lap max, will do some changes to the car” you called on the radio. You knew that it was risky but you decided to gamble and do what your gut told you to do.

Your team fully believed in your call and supported your decisions till the end. Your adrenaline was pumping as Max pitted.

And without a hitch, Max was out again on an out lap.

It was almost near the Chequered flag when Max had finished his lap.

Your nerves were eating you alive and your foot hadn’t stopped tapping as Lewis crossed the line placing himself on top of the board.

You had faith in Max. You knew that he was going to earn back that pole.

Everything was down to this. One last push. Max was on his one last fast lap.

Your eyes glued on your screen, as the rest of Red Bull and the entire paddock held their breath.

Max had aced the first sector. Your heart started to pound once again, you could feel it in your throat.

The rain had started to pour in the pitlane, your nerves spiking. But you knew that your analysis was spot on — you didn’t have to worry about anything. Max was flying through the second sector.

One last sector. Your breath caught when he went wide but corrected instantly. You felt light drops of rain on your back but you did not care— as your eyes zeroed in on Max crossing the line.

Enormous cheers erupted as Max goes top of the board. He has won pole position over Lewis!

Claps and hugs were exchanged between your team. Wow, Max had won the pole position. In your first race as his engineer.

Holy shit. You excitedly radioed Max.

“That is P1 Max! Pole position. Congratulations!” You cheered for your boyfriend

“ Let’s go!! Thank you, everyone, for a mighty effort! Y/N! We make a good pair, don’t we” Max said as you saw him waving to the crowds from your screen. The double entendre not escaping you. You laughed along with your other engineers. Cheeky bugger.

The entirety of Red Bull knew of your situation with Max. How could they not? Max was like a puppy always following you in the building.

You watched as the two Red Bull drivers parked their cars in Parc Ferme in their corresponding places. You couldn’t help but fawn over the Dutch Driver as he stepped out of his car towards the interviewer. Max looked amazing in the spotlight.

The camera then zeroed in on David Coulthard and Max who was now holding a mic — a smile on his face as he went on with the post-quali interview.

“Congratulations on the pole position, Max! That’s your 7th one this season! How are you feeling?” David questioned Max.

“I feel great! Another lovely position for the team with me Checo in front of the grid. The team’s effort was extremely excellent today, I have no complaints. And we hope that we can turn this pole into a win tomorrow” Max answered like how he was trained to do. The PR team will be celebrating this as well.

“We’ve heard that you had a change of your head race engineer to Ms. Y/N L/N, how are you finding the shift?” David continued to gauge the Dutch driver

Everyone at Red Bull held their breath. It was decided that your relationship with Max albeit not kept secret to anybody — it would be best to keep it on the low. Until everything with your issue with Mercedes dies down.

Ironically, you agree with them. You didn’t want to drag Max’s name along with yours. You needed to set things straight with Mercedes first. Cut and burn bridges that didn’t do you any good.

You waited for Max to answer the question.

“Y/N has been an absolute delight. The learning curve and transition were seamless, She knows what I want in the car and she delivers.” Max answered with a smile.

“Well Max, congratulations again on the pole! Thank you so much and good luck tomorrow “

Then the camera zoned in on Lewis. He got P2 on the race and he seemed pissed, like anytime he’ll explode.

“Lewis, congratulations on P2! That’s the front row for you! You were two-hundredths of a second behind Max. How was the car for you?”

Lewis’ composure was dissolving by the minute as he tried to answer.

“ I had issues on the last sector, the car was a little too sharp for my liking. But we will utilize what we have” He gruffly answered.

“ I assumed that your change of race engineer hadn’t been as smooth as you expected. How is it working with Bonno instead of Y/N?”

Lewis’ jaw tightened as his hand flexed over the mic that he was holding. People had started to murmur and suddenly the camera panned on Toto then it was suddenly in you.

You were shocked, but you didn’t let anyone see. You looked directly into the camera tauntingly and smiled — innocently waving your hand. Dressed proudly in your Red Bull uniform and your headset lazily hanging around your neck.

“Bonno had been great. He just right for my style of driving.” Lewis plastered a smile. You saw right through Lewis’s lie. No one could fully understand Lewis driving other than you.

You couldn’t help but smirk and you looked back at the data sheet on your screen.

Mercedes didn’t know what’s coming to them.

***

“Why do you suddenly need the medical records , Lewis? You and the other drivers did something stupid. You got high It’s best to keep that buried” Lewis was inside the Mercedes clinic talking to the resident doctor.

He couldn’t seem to push it aside. Everything seemed weird. He was so sure that he just drank and he didn’t participate in anything like drugs.

“You don’t understand, James. Someone framed me and slipped something in my drink”

James , looked at Lewis in both shock and confusion.

“ Are you sure? Lewis this is a serious accusation. We might need to bring this up to the FIA” Lewis only nodded

“I’ll contact the Doctors from the other teams. I’ll report back to you. But when I do find something,..I need to tell Toto. “

“Fine”

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[bbyblair]

small touches, pink cheeks. 

charles leclerc x f!reader 

pt.2!

 *ੈ✩‧₊˚

a/n: this is the first fic i’ve ever written so please excuse any mistakes or errors in my writing! Any tips are welcomed and very appreciated. hope you guys enjoy this! let me know if anyone would like a part two. <3

summary: the start of the 2023 season, Bahrain in early march. you'd recently joined the sky team, working as a news reporter and interviewer for your beloved sport.it's your first week and a mix of nerves and anticipation swirl together in your stomach. you're giddy to finally meet who you’d be working with for the next few months… but what happens when an instant connection sparks up between the new girl and Ferrari's golden boy? 

warnings: light cursing, kind of angst? idk. sort of enemies to lovers? reader is annoyed at Charles :(

word count: 1.8k

thursday, march 2nd 2023. 

a small breeze creeps through your window and goosebumps arise on your skin. you can hear your alarm angrily blaring on your phone, but you hadn't woken up yet fully and your brain was still in a haze. suddenly your eyes snap open as you realise what day it is. it's race week and you should be heading off to the airport in around three hours, shit. 

you sigh the same dramatic sigh you had been doing since you were a little girl and roll your eyes. contemplating whether or not to risk another five minutes of blissful sleep. luckily you come to your senses before making that grave mistake. your feet pad lightly across your bedroom floor and into the bathroom, you pause and look around your room realising that from now on you're going to be on the move for a solid 6 months. it's worth it though, this career you had been working toward since you were in high school, and you're proud of yourself to have finally got here. 

the cool shower water finished off the job of waking you up and after spending a little too much time getting ready you were packed and heading off to the airport. 

┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ ｡˚ ✧

the flight went quickly, considering the ample amounts of work you had to complete before landing, but you managed to get it all done on the plane with a little bit of rushing. you hadn't had time to travel much during your childhood or during college so you were practically squealing with excitement when you emerged from the plane and began your journey to the hotel you were staying in. 

the taxi was stuffy and warm, and your excitement started to be replaced with nerves as you realised that soon you would be in the heat of the paddock, meeting with very important people and drivers. 

you always had a natural ability to make people feel comfortable and this helped you in becoming an interviewer, plus the three years of journalism school you just about survived. It had been a wild ride, but you were finally here, in bahrain, about to be introduced to your new life. 

after getting yourself set up in your hotel and ready for the rest of the afternoon you began making your way over to the race venue. it was huge, but empty due to the fact that the race was in a few days. The only people around were a few race engineers and team members who were discussing strategy for the upcoming race. you were looking for someone in particular, your boss who you'd met before in london. stumbling through the paddock you finally found where the sky hq was situated and after making quick friends with the rest of your interviewing team, some of whom you knew from back home, you all decided to go out for some drinks. 

the night moved fast and before you knew it you were making your way back to the hotel at an unreasonably late time and collapsed onto the bed, tiredness taking over your whole body. 

friday , march 3rd 2023. 

regret washed over your body as you woke up in your hotel room, your alarm blaring at you at a completely unreasonable time. you swiftly began getting ready for the day ahead, your first day. nerves overtake your body again completely during your short walk to the circuit, it was already swarming with fans, ready to watch the free practice after missing their sport for a few months. the staff entrance was hidden away and luckily not too busy, so you managed to sneak in on time. 

you greeted your team who you'd already become quick friends with yesterday and they began briefing you on the timing of the day and when you would be interviewing the drivers. you had been told that this morning you were meant to go over to the ferraris section of the paddock and conduct a fun interview with leclerc and sainz. some silly questionnaire to test their knowledge of one another by asking them some, in your opinion, very personal questions. of course you smiled heartily and agreed, after all this was your job and you were excited to meet all of the drivers, having loved f1 since you were little. 

you made your way over to the ferrari area, and you and the filming crew were kindly greeted by their pr team who directed into a room and informed you that the two drivers would be there shortly. nerves started to bubble up in your stomach, even though you were confident and knew that you were good at your job sometimes meeting new people stressed you out a little more than you liked to admit. 

shuffling and muffled voices were heard outside of the door and the suddenly it opened and you were greeted with two handsome faces, both smiling politely at you and they outstretched their hands for you to take. you quickly grabbed the spaniards hand and shook it. 

“mr sainz, its a pleasure to meet you, im y/n im going to be hosting your interview today.”

his smile grew a little wider and he chuckled, “please call me carlos, and its lovely to meet you too y/n.” you blushed a little at how he said your name in his accent and smiled at him. your eyes then landed on the monegasque next to you, his smile remained on his face but his eyes were unreadable and intimated you a little bit. his eyes raked over your form and then he also outstretched his hand. his grip was much firmer than carlos’ and he began speaking before you. 

“charles, I'm looking forward to working with you y/n.” his eyes then returned to their initial softness and his grip loosed. you were a little taken aback but quickly composed yourself. you just simply nodded your head in response and softly spoke out a small “me too.”

that interaction stumped you, and you were clearly flustered but the rest of the interview went smoothly and you had played the quiz game, the two men laughing throughout and their childish rivalry entertained you more than you liked to admit. but throughout the interview you had felt charles' eyes on you more than once. once you dared to meet his gaze, but as soon as you did he quickly looked ack at his teammate and continued with the game nonchalantly. 

maybe you were just making this up, you didn't know. but no one had ever looked at you the way charles did and it made an odd feeling rise up in your stomach.after the interview ended the two men shook your hand again and began to leave, having to get ready for free practice which was starting in a few hours.

the filming crew packed up and left. you turned your back and let out a sigh at the odd experience. shuffling through your bag for your phone you heard someone clear their throat behind you and your body snapped back and spun around. to your surprise charles was stood their. the same unreadable expression on his face which made your cheeks burn straight away. you looked around awkwardly, silence engulfed the room and you didn't know if you should say something to the driver or stay silent. his voice broke you out of your thoughts. 

“sorry, i didnt mean to scare you.” he chuckled softly and his eyes creased, easing your nerves a little. the hint of his accent poked through his words, it was very attractive you had to admit. 

“no , no its okay, can i help you with anything?” your voice came out harder than you imagined and more agitated than you felt. his expression hardened again and his smile fell, he shook his head. 

“sorry, i just thought i forgot my phone.”

you stood there and looked about the room. you felt the atmosphere in the room change and as you looked at him more closely you could see the outline of his phone in his jean pocket. he didn't know you had noticed, and you were confused as to why he was really here. not wanting to drag on this interaction longer than needed you quickly picked up your bag and began to walk toward the door. 

“I hope you find it.” you mumbled out. 

suddenly his body was blocking the doorway and you stopped a few feet away from him. your face burning red and confused about his behaviour. “you are not going to help me look?” he smiled and a sneakily glint in his eye made your heart skip a beat. was he flirting with you? you were very up to date with the gossip and knew he had a suspected girlfriend so his behaviour was even more shocking to you. 

“oh sorry.” you mumbled dumbly, not knowing what to say. you knew he had his phone and you weren't about to embarrass yourself by crawling all over the floor looking for it. 

“i've got to edit this interview i'm afraid, so if you wouldn't mind letting me pass.” you looked down at the ground as you spoke and mentally cursed yourself at the fact that your voice came out much weaker than you intended. 

“okay.” you could hear the smile in his voice, “i apologise ma douce.” my sweet. you didn't know what he had just called you but the french nickname paired with his voice made your heart sway and even more blush burned on your cheeks. he moved from the doorway with a charming smile and allowed you to pass through. 

your feet felt like jelly underneath you but somehow you carried yourself through the paddock back to your work area, a smile gracing your pretty features at what had just happened. but you couldn't allow anything to happen and you knew that, he had a girlfriend and it was your job to interview him. this is so wrong you told yourself. sliding a hand over your face to try to compose yourself, you began to start editing the interview. 

you paused in shock, watching over the footage you saw how charles gaze almost never left you throughout the whole interview. he was starting at you like an animal and you didn't know why. shock graced your features even more to see how he clearly was checking you out and when you spoke to carlos, his eyes even darkened in a overprotective manner. who was he to get so possessive over you? you had just met? anger started to replace the feelings of shock and you wanted to storm back into ferrari to give him a piece of your mind… 

┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ ｡˚ ✧

pt2?

[chukys-mouthguard]

broken memories - pt. 2

sequel to kinda tempting

3k words | loosely proof read

genre: fluff/angst

featuring: mat barzal x female reader x matt rempe

warnings: mentions of loss of pregnancy

previous chapter

It had been a month since you had broken the news to Matt about your baby. He was temporarily living with Jonathan Quick as he continued his offseason training to prepare for camp. The two of you kept in touch, often checking in on one another as you both navigated the stages of grieving.

You still talked on the phone at least twice a week, things remaining very cordial between you, which you appreciated. Never wanting to lose Matt entirely, hoping that you could remain friends despite everything.

Mat Barzal on the other hand, wasn’t being much of a friend as he’d yet to return any of your texts. Including your text you’d sent the night of the fight with Matt when he packed his things and left.

While you understood he was engaged and happy with someone else, he did promise that you could still reach out to him whenever you needed. Yet maybe that was simply a meaningless comment of comfort at the time, not something that held any true intent behind it.

You had finally started to feel like your normal self, getting fully back into work and preparing for the upcoming season. The organization pleasantly surprised you as they did not intend to fire you despite your relationship with Rempe, of course now that wouldn’t pose a problem. But you were happy that you could stay with the organization after you had become so sure this would be where you stayed for the foreseeable future should you and Matt have had your baby to raise.

Checking the time you had a little over an hour left in your work day, figuring you’d use the time to go get some footage of the recent renovations of the locker room to start making a few posts for the socials.

As you exited the elevator your phone was buzzing in your pocket, an image of Rempe brightly filling the screen. A smirk found its way across your lips at the sight of the photo. It was after his debut stadium series game, his eye black slightly smeared as he flashed a goofy smile at the camera. You’d never forget the excitement surrounding that day, but more importantly meeting Matthew.

“Hello Matthew Rempe, how can I help you?”

He chuckled at your sing-song tone as he greeted you. “I am actually getting in the car, just leaving training. But, I realized I need some stuff from the apartment, well your apartment. Can I swing by?”

Heading into the Rangers locker room you pulled your work phone from your pocket, snagging some photos and a few videos to ensure you had plenty of content to use in editing.

“Um, yeah sure. I’m finishing up here at MSG within the hour, then I’ll be heading home. I would say I can be there in like an hour or so? If that works for you?”

“Yeah, I’ll probably hit traffic on my way so that would be fine. I’ll see you soon!”

“Sounds good, see you in a bit.”

-

Dropping your bag on the island you headed down the hall to throw on some comfy clothes, which ended up being some shorts and a Rangers t-shirt that Matthew had left behind. You figured this wasn’t an item he was in need of so he wouldn’t mind you wearing it.

Before you could even get fully settled in from work there was a knock at your door.

“Matthew Rempe, what in the world is this?”

You eyed the boy as he carried in a box of food, setting it on the island as he wrapped you in a quick hug.

“Well, I knew you probably hadn’t eaten dinner yet. And it could be like old times, when we’d get our favorite takeout place for dinner.”

You smiled at the gesture, thinking back to how Matt’s diet surely took a turn throughout your pregnancy once the craving for Chinese food kicked in. Weekly Matt found himself bringing home whatever dish it was you craved, but he never once complained. Well, that is except for when you ended up with a better fortune in your cookie than he did.

“You really didn’t have to do this, I could’ve just made some leftovers or something.”

He shot you a playful smile as he held up the container of steamed dumplings.

“Really? You’d pass on dumplings for leftovers?”

You licked your lips as you stole the container from his hand, moving around to the other side of the island as you pulled out some plates and silverware. Passing some to Matt so he could serve up his food before the two of you found your familiar spots on the floor at your coffee table.

“So, how are you doing? Everything good?”

Nodding your head you reached for a napkin, wiping your mouth before you answered him.

“Yeah, starting to feel like my normal self again. It was a little rocky there for a bit. But, I’m starting to feel good. Able to make it through the workday without crying, which is a big plus. How about you?”

He also nodded, adjusting how he sat on the floor as he rested back on his hands.

“Yeah, same here. I mean, I still have my moments where I do the why me sort of spiel. But I would say I’ve gotten past a lot of the frustration and anger I felt for a while. And training has been freaking amazing, I’m so excited for camp. I’ve been working so hard, the boys are really impressed.”

The smile on his face as he told you about his offseason training schedule warmed your heart. A smile formed on your lips as you saw how excited he was, talking about some of the different workouts he’s pushed himself through. Matt was like a kid in a candy story as he talked about the upcoming season. He’d already come such a long way from the rookie you met at the stadium series.

“I’m really proud of you Matt, and I can tell you’ve been working hard. I can see it for sure!”

“Oh, so you were checking me out eh? The biceps are looking pretty good if I do say so myself.”

He shot you a wink as he flexed his bicep for you, making you roll your eyes playfully as you reached over to steal a bite of his sesame chicken.

“Seriously? Some things just never change I guess.”

He slightly chucked as you shrugged your shoulders. Stealing Matt’s food was always something you’d do after telling him you didn’t like his order. Which would always lead to a silly argument once you’d stolen almost half of his chicken from his plate. Leaving him with mostly rice and veggies, which were obviously not the reason for him ordering the dish. But he never complained, always happy as long as you were.

That was something you’d always appreciated about Matt. He was selfless, always willing to sacrifice anything for you, to put himself in difficult positions for you. But you always felt like you couldn’t give him the same, your heart being pulled in the opposite direction for a guy who clearly had moved on from you like it was nothing.

You hated that you’d hurt Matt, of course losing your baby wasn’t anything you’d ever done intentionally. But to know he still felt as though it was never him in your heart, that you were solely with him for your daughter and not because you liked him enough on his own, it hurt. Because maybe you were both wrong, maybe somehow things could have worked. Had your relationship not began the way it did, if you had simply walked away once you knew Mat had cheated. Maybe you two could've had a happy ending, rather than him moving out with you both left to pick up the pieces separately.

“Y/n!”

Snapping from your thoughts you looked up at Matt, his hand holding out two fortune cookies.

“You pick first, remember?”

It was always tradition for you to pick your cookie first, Matt’s rules. He said that your intuition was better than his, and most of the time your fortunes did suit each of you perfectly.

Taking the cookie on the right you playfully smiled, the two of you ripping open the packages as you each cracked open the cookies. Pulling out the small piece of paper, you read your fortune to yourself, biting your lip as you looked at Matt, seeing him already looking back at you in anticipation. He could see the tears welling in your eyes, immediately moving to your side to comfort you. His arms holding you tight as you cried, trying to pull yourself together as this wasn’t supposed to be a night for the two of you to be sad.

“What did it say?”

You took a deep breath as you sat up, wiping your tears as you read the message out loud.

“If you want the rainbow, you have to tolerate the rain.”

You softly chuckled, now realizing it seemed silly to cry over such a cliche message. But as you looked up at Matt he was fighting his own tears, sniffling as he tried to pull himself together.

“I think that was exactly what you needed to hear right now. Like I’ve always said, your intuition is a hell of a lot better than mine.”

He gave you a smile as he stood up, collecting the dishes and taking them into the sink as he began to clean them off. You then tossed the throw pillows back onto your couch before joining him. Taking a seat on the counter as you watched him dry the dishes before placing them back in the cabinet.

“Well what about you?”

He tossed the dish towel over his shoulder as he turned to look at you, crossing his arms as he leaned against the counter.

“What about me?”

“Your fortune!”

“Ohhh, let’s see, where did I put it?”

Typical Matt. He’d always put his fortune on the table, or in his pocket, the most random places thinking he’d lost it only to find it twenty minutes later.

“Here it is!”

Stuck to the bottom of his sock, that was a new one.

He playfully cleared his throat as he read from the tiny paper.

“A lifetime of happiness is in front of you.”

His eyes flashed up to meet yours, the words ringing in your ears and making your heart skip a beat. Though surely Matt didn’t see it that way, probably interpreting the fortune to be an overall meaning of the future, not literally right in front of him.

He simply shrugged as he placed the dish towel back onto the counter, “guess I’m gonna have to wait for happiness I guess. Unless, right in front of me.”

Looking down he stared at the sink, then flashed his eyes to you.

“This, washing dishes. It’s my future. Is this a sign that camp isn’t gonna go well for me?”

You rolled your eyes, practically falling off the counter at his god awful joke. Searching the apartment for your phone as he continued on, trying his best to make you laugh, which you always appreciated.

Looking at the screen you saw a multitude of text messages, all from none other than Mat. You’d immediately set your phone down, rejoining Matthew in the kitchen as you had no desire to talk to Barzal. It had been a month since you saw him, and you were not in the business of being friends only when it was convenient for him.

“Well, this has really been great, for the both of us I think. But, I gotta grab my stuff and head out. I’ve got an early training session tomorrow.”

Playfully you frowned at him as he headed to your previously shared bedroom, pulling a few things from the closet as he tossed them into a duffle bag he’d brought. Then he moved to the bathroom, and finally ended up in the living room grabbing a few books from the shelf.

“If you ever wanted to come over, not just when you need to grab some of your stuff, you can do that too you know?”

Matt softly smiled at you, appreciating the fact that you were open to still hanging out with him despite everything that happened. He felt awful for the way he left things, for accusing you of not necessarily having feelings for him or ever seeing yourself with him. It was pretty harsh when he thought back on it. And he wished things could’ve played out differently. But to even get an open invite from you to spend time together after the things he’d said, he felt that was a step in the right direction.

“I know that now, and I will definitely keep that in mind.”

He wrapped you in a hug before heading out the door, out of habit kissing your head before awkwardly apologizing. To which you’d told him you didn’t mind, it still felt so normal for him to do so. He promised to text you once he got home, but told you not to wait up as he might hit traffic on his drive and you need your rest for work in the morning. He truly did know you way too well.

Heading back into the living room you heard your phone buzzing on the coffee table. A photo of you and Mat Barzal filling the screen, one you’d apparently never changed after your breakup.

“Hello?”

“Hey, um, is everything okay?”

You scoffed at his somewhat annoyed tone as you took a seat on the couch, pulling a throw blanket over your legs as you spat back at him.

“Like you care? It’s been a month since I saw you and this is the first I’ve heard from you. What about the five other days I’ve tried reaching out? You didn’t care until now?”

He sighed on his end of the call, realizing he’d come off wrong, trying to apologize and start over as he explained himself.

“Well, you’re right. I should’ve responded sooner. But, Ava was in town, I couldn’t have her seeing me talking to you. But, I mean I texted you back now. You’re the one ignoring me now.”

He playfully chuckled, though you were not amused, Mat always thinking he could use charm to move past any wrongdoing.

“First of all, what good does texting me now do if I reached out weeks ago? Maybe I needed you then. And second of all, I wasn’t ignoring you. I was busy. Matt came over to grab some of his things and he brought dinner.”

Mat’s line of the phone went silent, eventually you’d heard him take a deep breath before he spoke.

“So, the guy packs up his things and walks out on you, but suddenly you’re hanging out and having dinner together? Are you two broken up or not?”

His tone was annoyed and angry, though you weren’t sure why considering he was happily engaged, which you didn’t think you needed to remind him of but clearly he’d forgotten.

“Last time I checked, you’re happy with Ava. So why do you care so much? I’m not allowed to have dinner with him? He and I were literally going to have a child, you think that everything between him and I just goes away overnight because I’m no longer pregnant?”

You found yourself laughing, the conversation seeming silly to you. There was no need for you to explain yourself to him, but part of you felt like you owed him something. After all, you did the same thing right back to him that he’d done to you.

“There was never anything between you two! Stop trying to pretend like there was. I get it okay, I fucked up. I should have never cheated on you. Do I think it gave you the right to do the same to me, no. But I could see how I pushed you into the arms of someone else. What I won’t let you do, is try to tell me that even for a second there was something between you and him. He got you pregnant after one night, and you two had to be together for your baby. That’s not love, that’s nothing close to what we had. So don’t you dare try to say it’s anything similar.”

You tried not to take his words personally, knowing they were coming from a place of hurt as he’d clearly not gotten over everything that happened. Rather just tried to mask it all by jumping into an engagement he clearly wasn’t satisfied with. But you weren’t going to just accept the things he said, letting him act as if there were never any feelings felt between you and Matthew.

“Mat, you have never once been in the same room as us. You’ve not been around Matt and I, you don’t know the feelings that are there. You don’t know how we feel towards one another, so you can’t tell me how I feel or how I don’t.”

“How you feel? So what, you still supposedly like this guy? After he packed his shit and walked out on you during one of the hardest moments of your life, you still have fucking feelings for someone like that? You’d want to be with the guy after all this?”

“Well I stayed with you during your shitty moments didn’t I?”

The comment was harsh, but you didn’t care. Mat always thought he could do no wrong, that the way he spoke was justified, and you were sick of him trying to make you feel bad, regardless if you’d hurt him or not.

“Why do you fucking care so much Mat? Must I remind you, you’re engaged! You chose her! So why could you possibly care so much if I still have feelings for Matt or would consider trying to do things the right way with him?”

The line went silent, and it felt as if minutes had passed before Mat finally confessed to you why’d he become so frustrated with you admitting you might truly have feelings for Rempe after all.

“Because I called off my engagement.”

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

A Twist of Fate: No Hard Feelings**^

Thank you everyone for your patience. Here is Part 2 to this star-crossed lovers story. This part really focuses on the break down of the relationships so it can be angsty. Part 3 will be the last one in this short series. READ PART ONE

Series Masterlist

Warnings: sexism, unprotected sex, argumentative and rocky relationships, drug and alcohol use, break ups

WC: 16K

…. JANUARY 2024 ….

The holiday season had been interesting for you and Sebastian. You had gone over to his family’s for the festivities and it was interesting to say the least. You felt like you had transitioned into a weird dystopian dimension after that first dinner.

Seb’s mom wanted his first meal back to be his favorite home cooked meal, a green enchilada casserole; he had been talking about it since you’d left LA. So were excited to try it, so when dinner time came and his mom, Renee, started to serve up a plate of food, you followed suit and she gave you a knowing smile. It confused you but you finished up and followed after her to the table. When Seb glanced up at you with a smile your brows furrowed in confusion; you weren’t sure why Seb was just sitting at the table if he was so excited about this meal? But soon enough you were in front of your seat and set your plate down and then sat. You glanced up when you realized it had grown uncomfortably quiet and everyone was looking at you. When your eyes met Renee’s, she was frozen with the plate she had served her husband laid on the place mat before him. It was then that you noticed that this was not a self-serve situation, you were the only woman at the table and the ladies were serving their husbands before they could sit to eat.

You were mortified. You hadn’t grown up like that, your parents were very lax with gender expectations and roles, your mom wasn’t in charge of cooking and cleaning up after your dad. They were both working so much that they both did everything to keep the household running. Besides, you had never served Sebastian his food. You had cooked for him plenty of times and sure he never cleaned up after himself (unless asked), but he had always fixed his own plates so you had no idea why he would expect it now. It was even more awkward when his sister came in right behind you just moments later and placed a plate of food before him.

“Thanks, Amy.” He smiled and she nodded and looked at you briefly, you swore there was judgement in her eyes, and then everything picked back up again.

After, that it was just awkward and tense. Seb’s mom stepped up the babying for the rest of the trip. You were shocked the amount of work this woman did for her husband and Seb. You started doing the same to blend in, but it had been too late. Christmas Day at lunch, you were heading to the kitchen to offer your help with anything when you overheard his sisters and mother talking to maybe their aunts or other cousins saying how they had all been telling Seb how selfish you were and that you couldn’t take care of him how he needed. It was impressive that just from that one incident they had already discarded you and started shit talking you to Sebastian and others. You were glad when you finally got to leave and get back to LA, but it had been days now and you were still a bit in your head.

“Hey, babe.” Seb hummed as he came into your bedroom.

“Hi.” You offered a smile before glancing back down to your sudoku book. You felt the bed dip and glanced up to see him climbing onto the bed, heading over to your side.

“How was your day?” He asked.

“It was fine. Yours?” You asked as you put down a ‘9’ in it’s designed box.

“Finished another song today, think this will be the single. It has good energy.”

“That’s good.” You hummed as you glanced up at him and when he saw he had your undivided attention he got going. Sebastian started talking about all the things they’d done and how he got inspiration for new lyrics… He’d been talking at you for an hour already, it was nearly midnight and you were tired. Then, in the middle of his story you had the urge to yawn and you did. “Oh sorry, am I boring you?” He asked with irritation and you frowned.

“No, I just yawned. S’late. I was up at 5:30am for that stupid yoga class.” You explained to him and he frowned.

“You’re being weird.” He said.

“What?”

“Ever since we got back you’ve been off.” he said and you sighed. You supposed you should just get your concerns off your chest now.

“OK, so I ummm…I overheard your mom and sisters talking shit about me on Christmas.” You said and he frowned, “And I know they were talking about me to other people and to you.” You said.

“And?” He asked, “I mean, what did you expect after that first night?” He asked you.

“What’d you say when they talked to you about me after that?”

“Nothing…just heard ‘em out. It’s better to not argue with them about their opinions.”

“And is that…is that how you expect me to be?”

“Well, I get that’s not how you grew up. Trust me, meeting your family was a culture shock for me too. But we'll get there. With a little training.” He joked, but it was ill timed, “They know there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me when we’re on more serious turf.” He assured you.

“Ummm…I don’t exactly know what you mean by that.” You said as you straightened up a bit and raised your glasses up to your head. You set your book down as well to really just ensure all of your senses were in tune as you had this conversation.

“I mean that once I move in here we’ll get you to a stage where you’ll feel more comfortable assuming the more traditional feminine role in the house.” He said and you were shocked to hear him say this.

“Traditional feminine- OK, I hope this is not what I’m thinking…”

“And what’s that?”

“You want me to wait on you like that? Like your mom and sisters?” 

“It’s called acts of service.” He countered.

“Babe, i-if I just sat here all day and did nothing outside of the house, then sure! I’d do work here. Your laundry and iron, clean up after you, and fucking spoon feed you if I wanted to. But you also forget one big thing, Seb. This is my house. My name alone is on the mortgage and every other expense. You should be cleaning up after yourself in my house, especially if you invite yourself over for days at a time!” You raised your voice in frustration. 

He looked so offended by what you’d said but this was something that had been frustrating you for quite a while now. Of course you wanted him over, but he just took over your space. He’d stay for days and disrupt everything, like sleep in later than you and not do the bed. Eat and pile up dishes in the sink, he’d leave his dirty laundry and towels on the ground, and he left cups everywhere! But what was most annoying was that he’d leave everything to you. And when you’d call him out on it he’d get it together for a couple days and then go back to his old ways. At first you thought it was just laziness but after spending 10 days with his family you saw that it wasn’t just laziness. Seb had an expectation that you’d soon be doting after him at all times and keeping a nice home for his comfort. He knew that if he’d left a mess you’d eventually grow tired of it and clean it up for him, which was true. But that didn’t mean you wouldn’t gripe about it, but he expected that to diminish and soon become extinct the longer you were together. That was concerning to you and you suddenly found yourself seeing him in a completely different light.

“Well, sorry for taking up your space.” He muttered bitterly as he rolled off the bed and made his way out of your bedroom. 

You didn’t stop him from going, you heard the front door lock and that was that. You hadn’t seen this type of attitude from him before, he had never shared those expectations with you before so you were quite shocked to hear him say that and you still hadn’t quite processed everything he’d said. You immediately called Caitlyn and told her all about your trip and now this.

“…Oh my god, so he’s a chauvinist!” Caitlyn gasped and you hummed.

“I just can’t believe this…I mean if this is really what he expects of me then I can’t be in  this relationship. Of course I believe in doing things, acts of service for your partner, but what he wants is a maid, mother, and lover wrapped up in one! No…just no.” you sighed.

“I agree. I mean, it’s good it’s only been a bit, yeah?”

“I guess so…” you sighed, “I just can’t believe this.” You muttered, your brain felt like it was about to overheat.

“I mean, he’s from a red state, friend. What did you expect?” Caitlyn said joking and then you both sputtered on a laugh. “So…what’re you thinking then?”

“I’m thinking that…” You sighed, “I saw how his mom was with his dad…I couldn’t live like that.” You explained. “I want to feel like I have a partner, not a boss at home. I can’t be with someone like that. I can’t.”

“Yeah.” Caitlyn said in understanding, “I mean, if that’s truly how he is then it’s for the best to just let this go.”

“Yeah, it wouldn’t end well.” You agreed “I think we both need to cool off a bit and then talk about it.” You said with a sigh and she agreed with you. 

You were in a shit mood now and had wandered into the kitchen to grab yourself a bottle of wine and some of those Trader Joes takis. You were soon back in bed and watching a movie as you got drunk and ate your chips. You had a moment of weakness…and against your better judgement you now went on instagram and searched up Harry. You just wanted to see him going about his day, you missed him and knew he’d be so supportive right now, even seeing his smile would be comforting enough. But what you saw coming up had your heart stirring with envy instead of a fuzzy and warm feeling. 

For the first time you felt entirely un-special to him. Just four years prior you’d been at the same fucking Anguillian resort frolicking about on the beaches, lazing around in cabanas, getting day drunk on fruity cocktails, and making love to your hearts content. But there he was again but with another person this time. Well, not just any person, his girlfriend, and it was making your blood boil. Was nothing sacred to this man? Did he have to recycle every single thing to lure another person in? 

And then you clicked on a post and decided to just see it all and you sighed as you looked through the images of him, so gorgeously tan and buff swimming in the ocean and the final image was of her getting her pictures taken on the sand while he enjoyed the warmth of the Caribbean Sea.

“She’s not even getting in the water with you?!” You nearly shouted at your phone, “What a fucking waste of a vacation!” You grumbled. “I would get in the water with you.” You mumbled drunkenly, “No, no…I did! We went there and I did get in the water with you, no one could get us out!” You said as your tears started to streak down your face, “And we did take pictures too, a lot of them. But we went to have fun, not just to take pictures at sunset like influencers who’d never been to a beach before…” you said bitterly and then frowned.

“OK, but she’s so pretty of course she’s having her fucking picture taken instead of getting in the water with you.” You sighed in defeat. “Also it’s her fucking vacation too, so she can do what she wants with her time…” you said to yourself, rationalizing her choices and deciding not to take out your frustration with Seb on her. “I’m not being a girl’s girl right now.” You scolded yourself for your harsh judgements. 

You didn’t even know each other so you had no idea how she was or what her intentions could be at all. But if Harry was with her then she had to be nice and sweet, something that you just weren’t any more. You weren’t being nice when you kissed Harry despite you both being in relationships. You weren’t nice or sweet when you blew up on Sebastian earlier and felt and thought bad things about his family. Instead you were full of spite and sadness. You felt stuck in a loop of negativity that would never end. You were lost, but you didn’t want to be. You wanted to be like you were when you were with Harry. Happy, confident, full of hope…you wanted that back. You were crying so hard and were so drunk after having half a bottle of wine that you just tuckered yourself out.

********

“Tempt fate with me, love. Just one more time.” You heard Harry’s voice purring lowly. You were covered in goosebumps as you nodded, noses nudging lightly.

“OK.” You agreed easily.

“Yeah?” He asked you, grinning wide.

“Yeah.” You agreed happily. 

And then your lips met eagerly with some lingering hesitation. But after your eyes met it completely disappeared and your lips were joining again. And then you were on his lap and his hands were fighting not to grab you in places he shouldn’t, but his resolve melted away quickly and was guiding you over his lap, letting you feel his evident need for you. 

Suddenly you glanced down at him and he was naked except his briefs and you were too, just your bra and panties, both of you impatient and fighting to not take it to the next level. You felt harry’s fingers gliding up your back, right up to the clasp of your bra but not daring to remove it, instead opting to just lose himself in your kisses.

“Just…mmm, wanna touch you, baby.” He whined into your lips.

“Then touch me.” You whispered back.

“Can I? Can I really?” He hummed and you nodded. He was quick to unclasp your bra and bring his hands forward to cup your breasts. When his kisses trailed down to your chest, you leaned back and let him lick at your nipple teasingly before just sucking your perked up little bud between his lips. You were getting so wet for him, grinding down harder and with more intent.

“Please…I need you. I’ve missed you.” You whimpered and he grinned up at you.

“I’ve missed you too. So fucking much.” He said quietly, “What if he comes home and-”

“Then we should be quick.” You panted and he nodded. Magically, his briefs were gone and he was guiding his hard, thick length to your entrance, holding it up so that you could sit over him and get him inside of you, “Can I?”

“Please. Yes, go.” He rushed out and you both moaned in ecstasy and relief at being connected this way once again. 

You rode him slowly, getting used to feeling him deep in your guts like this from how big he was. He was panting and kissing at your neck, his fingers gripping your ass tight as he helped you move over him in ways that were beneficial to the both of you. You picked up your pace then, needing to hurry things along and he groaned against your throat.

“Fuck Y/N, you’re so fucking good.” He mumbled, “Missed you…missed your body, s’my favorite body, baby.” He muttered as he sloppily kissed your neck, “Gonna make me come. But I want t’come inside, can I?”

“Har, I-I don’t know…” you winced as he held you down, his cock impaling deep inside of you. “What about your-”

“Forget everyone else.” He interrupted, “We’re here now, s’just us. It’s us.” He appealed as he started to thrust up.“Don’t tell me you don’t want it like that.” He said, “I know you, love. Know you better than you know yourself.” He mumbled and you choked on a moan as he started to rub your clit.

“Yes, yes please come inside me.” You begged, finally giving in to what it is you wanted.

“Yeah, you want it inside you, my sexy little slut?” He questioned and you moaned and confirmed.

“Yeah, of course you do. You’re a filthy fucking home wrecker, you know that?” He muttered and when you glanced down it wasn’t Harry anymore, it was Sebastian. “Gonna throw me away like that and go after him, aren’t you?” He asked and suddenly you felt stuck in a bad way.

“Please just…” your pleasure was fading fast. He wasn’t fucking you. He was actually fully dressed, just holding you still in his lap and you were stuck there. Still fully naked though, to signify your shame over lusting after Harry. 

“You’ve fucked it up with me and now you’re gonna go fuck up his life too. You selfish, greedy bitch.” He seethed with spite.

************

And that’s when you woke up and immediately started crying again. Already, your head was pounding with inhumane levels of pain from the wine you’d drank the night before. But also the shame you felt for your thoughts the night before…it was monumental and sitting on your chest heavily. You felt like you needed to apologize to them for it, that’s how guilty you felt. 

Obviously, you missed Harry. You hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him since you’d seen each other late last year. You hadn’t even spoken since! He hadn’t made any moves to rekindle the friendship between you as much as you had insisted that that’s what it was all about. Maybe he saw you and just got lost reminiscing the old days, but when he got back home to his girlfriend and his friends he realized that everything was exactly as it should’ve been. Maybe he needed to be with you to verify whether he was going down the right path now and clearly, he was. But you were just lost…so terribly lost.

************

It was a few days later when Sebastian finally came around to talk about your relationship and he was the one to hit you with the break up speech right off the bat. He made it seem like it was all your fault for not being more accommodating to his needs as a man. You had no idea what he meant by that, but you were in no condition or place to argue with him because you had wronged him. He did go off a bit about how he should’ve listened to his sisters and dumped you the moment you came back from their house. He was angry at you for not wanting to change or make compromises for him even though it was your job as the woman to look after him and your home and that’s when you lost your shit.

“THIS ISN’T YOUR HOME, SEBASTIAN!” You shouted with anger boiling over and he stopped talking, “It’s my fucking house! My house. I bought it with my money! I didn’t buy this house because I was planning a future in it with you! I just wanted a place of my own! That’s it! We weren’t even together when I got the house! What makes you feel like you have any sort of ownership over it or me?! You come here to do laundry and charge and wash your car, using my resources without ever even pitching in. You eat my food and use my AC in the summer-”

“Well you know I don’t have the same amenities at my apartment and-”

“Then tell your mom and dad to get you a better one!” You shouted and he frowned, “You’re spoiled and inconsiderate and completely helpless, Sebastian. I can’t be with a person who can’t hold their own or even bother to google what the symbols mean on the tags of your fucking clothes so that you don’t shrink them in the dryer!”

“Well you already know so I was calling you so that you could tell me-”

“I was busy with my fucking label rep! I couldn’t pick up the phone. But the fucking point is that, like you, at some point I didn’t know! I didn’t know a lot of things! So I had to grow the fuck up and figure them out for myself! And that’s the problem with you, you don’t try to figure things out, you don’t face any problems or obstacles, you just back yourself into a corner, telling yourself that you don’t know! You make everyone else jump in and sort things out the second an inconvenience arises for you.” He was pouting now. 

“Is that really how you see me? A spoiled man-child who can’t do things for themselves?”

“Yes.” You said and he chuckled.

“Who changed your tire when you got a flat? Who mows your fucking lawn when the landscapers can’t make it-”

“I can change a fucking tire, Seb! And I can mow a lawn! It’s not fucking rocket science! You insisted on doing those things for me because you said I “wouldn’t do them right”, don’t forget that detail.” You said and he shook his head.

“Well, no one ever wants to be with a know it all so…fuck you.” He said before leaving your house with a loud slam of the front door.

All you could feel was relief. It was like a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders and you just wanted to run. So you did, you called up Caitlyn and you drove down to the beach and just ran and ran along the shore until you were shivering from the cold and could hardly feel your nose and lips. You were panting, struggling to take in a nice deep breath as you guys dropped down into the sand. Caitlyn being in much better shape than you wasn’t nearly as winded.

“How much did we run? Like two miles?” You asked as you swallowed thickly and she laughed.

“Try a 3/4’s of a mile…maybe a full one.” She said and you groaned and just let yourself fall back into the sand and stared up at the sky, it was slowly growing darker. You could feel your legs tingling a bit from the constant running, and as you laid there, letting all of your feelings from the past few weeks process you stopped feeling cold. “Want some water?”

“You brought water?”

“Yeah, my camelback.” She said and took it off and handed it to you. You thanked her and sucked some out of the straw before handing it back. “You good?”

“I don’t know…” you said monotonously, “No, actually.”

“Mmmm, I have a joint?” She said and you chuckled.

“Light her up.” You mumbled and she smiled and did just that. 

Soon she was laying back as well as she handed you the joint while she blew out the hit she’d taken. You took your hit as well, holding just a little bit because you were so bad at smoking and it was also bad for you as a singer. You still choked on it and shot up, snatching the water from Caitlyn as she giggled at you.

“God…” you groaned before laying back down, “You know, I saw pictures of Harry on vacation with Taylor the other day…internet stalking is the fucking worst, you know that? Why would you want to do that to yourself?” You asked Caitlyn.

“Mmmm, so nothing catches you by surprise. Or at least that’s what I like about it. I mean, if it’s just speculation at least you have that possible scenario in your head and you can process it before it’s just shoved in your face randomly, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess…I was judging her for not swimming in the ocean with Harry.” You said and then started laughing, “I don’t know why that particular thing pissed me off so much!” You laughed and Caitlyn did too, “Like what’s so fucking special about swimming that just triggered me…so ridiculous.” You mumbled.

“Just a bit…” she said.

“I think I’m starting to realize that…nothing about us was really special. Like we did all the things they do now just in secret…it’s like…I’m watching my relationship with him being reenacted.” You said with welled up eyes, but you didn’t cry this time. “It’s…it’s so weird.” You hummed and then you were silent for a few minutes, passing the joint back and forth.

“Wanna hear a rumor I heard?” Caitlyn said and you turned to her in interest, “I heard from Mer that-”

“Mer Winston? You’re still friends?”

“Oh yeah, we talk all the time.” Caitlyn confirmed, “But she said that they got in a huge fight before Christmas, he came over and had this whole venting session with them over lunch one day. And she said that H had a lot of making up to do if he wanted to make it work with her.”

“I hope that wasn’t my fault.” You mumbled.

“Maybe he decided to tell her about meeting up with you.”

“Maybe…” you sighed, “We haven’t talked at all or anything like that. It was part of the deal. If things were meant to happen then they would.” You said and Caitlyn hummed. 

“Maybe it’s like an apology vacation…”

“Who knows, but like…they’re there now so whatever…”

“Harry’s a bit annoying though, isn’t he? Like clingy if I recall? Like lanky ass wrapped around you all the fucking time, no?” Caitlyn asked and you chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah, sounds about right…”

“Then why wasn’t he clinging to her? I saw the pictures too, by the way…” she added and you chuckled.

“Maybe he was? But he gets nervous when he knows people are watching.” You explained. “And besides, you should be the voice of reason here, not the conspiracy theorist!” You reprimanded and she chuckled as she handed you the last bit of the joint and you declined.

“Sorry, it’s the weed.” She said and you sighed.

“Well I’m not feeling shit.” You said, still completely sober.

“You’re not doing it right, s’why.” She laughed and you huffed.

“Damaging my lungs for nothing…” you muttered.

“I assure you with how shallow your inhales are that shit didn’t reach your lungs.” She cackled and she couldn’t stop from there. 

You walked back to where you parked with your arms linked together as you talked about other things. You were fine now, you just needed to get all the emotions out of your system. And well, just because your relationship had ended it didn’t mean that Harry was meant for you. Or you for him. All this meant was that Sebastian wasn’t right for you and you weren’t right for him. And as you walked along the shore you decided that you weren’t going to seek Harry out, you were going to forget about the little deal you made yourselves, that was just wishful thinking and you couldn’t set yourself up for disappointment like that. He was just so far away, it wasn’t cute, it wasn’t realistic, it was just sadistic and psychologically damaging. If you love someone you let them go. 

“I know this is so gross but I have to use the bathrooms here before they close.” Caitlyn said and you chuckled and nodded and she took off for the bathrooms. You just wandered back to the concrete wall that separated the pavement from the sand. The sun was just about to disappear and it felt so perfectly poetic. It was cathartic, thinking of him while the sun set second by second. And when the last little sliver started to fade you smiled and exhaled shakily before whispering.

“Bye, Harry.” 

*************

The news of your breakup with Sebastian had come swiftly to the public as the very next day Seb released a statement via an Instagram post asking for “privacy in this difficult time”. It was interesting to you because he was the one who did the dumping. But then the questions started pouring in from your manager and publicists and you confirmed that you’d broken up and explained why and they decided that they would not give him the satisfaction or even an acknowledgement with a confirmation to the media.

You did get papped outside of your preferred grocery store the week after he announced the break up and you believed it was to do with the fact that you nor your team had done a thing to acknowledge his announcement. You had a strict plan for grocery shopping as to prevent being papped or seen by too many people and the one person who knew that apart from Caitlyn was him. So it was about 9 at night and the paps were bombarding you with questions about this break up as you unloaded your groceries into the car and all you said was “Yep, Seb broke up with me.” with a bright smile. You wanted to give “Nicole Kidman divorced from psycho cult follower, Tom Cruise” vibes. You felt like you’d escaped a super shitty future. You were sure he could find someone who would happily be all the things he wanted them to be for him, but that’s certainly not what you wanted from a relationship. You did wish him well, but that was all there was to it.

Unfortunately for Sebastian, his plot with the paps backfired a bit. People were pointing out that you seemed happy and relieved about the breakup as you just carried on with life. And then that turned into speculations that he wrote that post on instagram for some compassion from the public since he had broken up with you. And yeah, that was all true, but you weren’t going to fuel the fire. The public could be your bestest friend of your greatest foe, so it was better not to try and involve the masses when possible. That’s something you had learned from Harry, regardless of whether things were good or bad, the public always had something to say and the best thing to do was not to give them any ammunition.  

*************

Harry’s POV:

Harry had heard about your break up through the grapevine and his first instinct was to check up on you. It’d been a few days and he was still teetering on the edge of whether he should or not, he’d have to go through some lengths to do so, but he wanted to. Admittedly, he was already on thin ice…

When he got back from LA he was just really in his head about everything and when Tay asked what was up he was honest with her. Except the kiss, he didn’t tell her about the kiss. But he shared with her that he asked to see you. He told her that he chose to stay longer in hopes to see you again. He was honest about why he didn’t want to tell her that he wanted to hang out with you. He was honest about how much shit it stirred up in him to have run into you. Obviously, she was pissed at him, even said it was probably over, he had never seen her angry before but it came at him strong and she was gone for a few days. That’s when he took advantage to talk about all this to someone else, so he made his way over for lunch with Ben and Meredith and told them all of it.

Once it was off his chest he reached out to fix things with his girlfriend. And while she agreed to work through this with him there had been a lot of conditions given until he regained the trust that he had broken. She wanted him to remove your number from his phone because as she’d put it, he had no business trying to talk to you while you were in a relationship and while he was in a relationship. He genuinely couldn’t argue with that logic so he did right there in her face so that she could see for herself. She also wanted to understand what it was about you that made him suddenly lose all his self control. And against his better judgment he told her about you and he saw for himself how the more he spoke, the bigger the hole he dug for himself. 

The holidays were a little weird, there was still some tension and it was good that she got to be around his family to distract a bit from all the hurt and anger that was still lingering beneath the surface. So when the new year came by he suggested they get out of town, have a nice little change of pace to start out their year together. And now here they were, he had just seen another post about you and Sebastian being over and he just needed to check.

“Mate, d-do you think you can reach out to Jen and get Y/N’s number?” Harry asked Tom quietly.

“Jen?”

“Yeah, Jen Lockley, her manager.” He said and Tommy sighed.

“I know that I work for you, but this is stupid, H. Is this really something you want to be doing? Especially with the situation you’re in right now.” He admonished.

“Look, her boyfriend just broke up with her, I just want to make sure she’s OK.” He explained and Tommy sighed and pulled out his phone and was typing something up before handing his phone over. It was a video of you getting papped, smiling bright as you confirmed the break up.

“She’s fine.” He assured.

“OK.” He sighed.

“Why is she so happy about it?” Tommy asked.

“I don’t know…maybe if I talked to her I’d know.”

“So this has nothing to do with you?” He asked.

“No! I just came and asked you for her number! If that’s not an act of desperation, I don’t know what is…”

“So what are you trying to do here? Are you not as happy as you let on or what?”

“I am, I just…I miss her. She was my best friend, you know? I was rocked when I saw her. I didn’t expect to feel as much as I did. I couldn’t help that, running into her was out my control.” He explained

“Yeah, I get that. But look, you’ve got someone really great right in front of you.”

“I know that…s’just, different. She’s a different person.” Harry said, “Which is great, it’s just…different.” He said again.

“Was that relationship the one that like…changed everything?” He asked and Harry nodded. Tommy had been working with Jeffrey for a while, but he and Harry only started getting close after Jeffrey and Glenne got married, he wasn’t with you by then anymore. So he hadn’t really seen your relationship like everyone else had.

“Yeah. I wanted to marry her. Have a baby with her, everything. We met when I was still in the band, she’s was there for the whole transition out of it, she helped me with my songs for my first album…we grew up together, you know? Challenged each other, encouraged each other.”

“And you ended it because?”

“We were both way too busy, we hardly had time to see each other during the last 2 years we were togther. We were doing extreme things just to have a weekend together, you know? It was draining and exhausting for the both of us so ummm…we just decided to end it.”

“Well, regardless of how you feel now, it’s over H. I just don’t want you to…to look past what you have now just because you’re clinging to the past.”

“Well what if she’s in my future?” He asked and Tommy sighed.

“If that’s really how you feel then what are you doing here with someone else? What’s the point? Just killing time until you can have the person you want?”

“It’s not like I don’t love Tay, I just…also love Y/N. I think I’ll always love her and I’ll always wonder about her. She’s the one that…got away, so it’s always going to be like this.”

“Does your girlfriend know that?”

“I think she’s starting to figure it out…” Harry sighed.

“Well if that’s how it is you still need to focus on the relationship you’re in now. You have nothing going on with Y/N, not even a friendship, so you need to be present. Turn a new page, like you promised.”

“I will. I will.” He repeated, almost as if trying to convince himself more than Tommy. 

Tommy could understand why it was hard for Harry to just move on when he felt like the person that was his person was slowly pulling further and further from his reach. He believed that you could be torn between two people, love more than one person at a time, but not everyone accepted that kind of love or relationship. He didn’t think Harry would start a full blown affair with you, but for some it was worse in a way, knowing that their partner felt love for them and someone else. It couldn’t be easy for Taylor to come to terms with that; especially if she wasn’t aware that Harry even had the ability to love this way. Or that there was someone who had the ability to affect him that much that wasn’t her.

“I know this is fucking unfair of me but I really just have no control over these feelings, mate. I saw her again and it hit me like a fucking train that I love her, you know? It’s weird for me too to suddenly have all these different feelings for someone else when I thought I had moved on; it was unexpected. I even…love her in a different way than I do Taylor.” Harry explained with a furrowed brow.

“Well don’t say that to her. Ever.” Tommy advised.

“Well, I just think she’s understanding this all wrong…like she thinks that seeing Y/N raised up some conflict or doubts in me about our relationship. That I’m “torn” between options and it’s not that at all. I enjoy our relationship and I love being with her, so much, but it’s not what Y/N and I had. So I’m not looking for that in Tay nor am I comparing her to Y/N at all. Like I love Taylor for Taylor and what she does for me and how we function together. But I also love Y/N for all of what we had and all that we could possibly be. It’s completely separate…she’s still on this “emotional cheating” argument, which I get what she means. But it’s not like I’m looking for something she’s lacking, you know? I’m not even looking for anything else with anyone else. It’s just feelings.”

“Love is a big feeling, H.” Tommy said. “It’s getting messy.”

“I know and like…she just wants me to let it go and move on which is impossible. I can’t just stop loving Y/N on command, you know? If it’s going to happen it’s going to take a lot of time. I mean, I thought I was past all this until we were face to face. Who’s to say that won’t happen again 10 years from now or something?”

“Yeah, I see your dilemma.” Tommy hummed. “I mean, the fact that you deleted her number should be a good start for Tay. Show her that you’re willing to just focus on you two.”

“Yeah…”

“I mean, you get why you guys can’t even be friends, right?”

“Of course, I do. It just…it sucks.” He sighed.

************

Harry didn’t think Taylor would be keeping an eye out for you after he deleted your number, but she was. And it was late and he was tired and a little sunburnt and he just wanted to plop into bed after his cold shower, but the concerned look on her face made him realize that something was about to go down that would prevent him from resting as he hoped.

“What’s the matter, love?” He asked right away instead of waiting for her to get around to stating the problem.

“She broke up with him.” She said to him with a slightly nervous tone.

“Who broke up with who?” He asked, playing dumb.

“Y/N, with Sebastian. My friend just send this to me.” She said turning her phone to him as he came over to the bed. It was a tabloid cover with the news.

“Well good for her, he was kind of a prick.” Harry said as he climbed in.

“So you’re happy about this?”

“If she’s happy about it then yeah. And again, I’m not his biggest fan, so why wouldn’t I be?” He questioned.

“I’m sure she’s doing it for you.” She said with a slightly accusatory tone, “Does that make you happy too?” She asked him, challenging him. Harry sighed and rolled his eyes.

“She’s not doing it for me. When we talked she was telling me that they were having some issues that she was having a hard time getting past. Seems like it was coming. Maybe they both reached their breaking points.” He reasoned. But the thought did cross his mind, was she sending him a sign?

“Harry, I hate feeling this way…” she said, “This isn’t me.” She shook her head, “You know this isn’t me. But I feel…like we’re up in the air.” She repeated and he sighed.

“I’m sorry.” All he could really do was apologize. “You have no reason to feel that way though, babe. I’m not looking for anything with Y/N, love. When I said I still have feelings for her, it’s just that, they’re feelings. But we’re not gonna talk, I’m never gonna see her again-”

“You don’t know that, Harry.” She interrupted.

“Well, not on purpose, I won’t, not if you don’t want me to.” He said and she sighed.

“My whole point is that I shouldn’t have to put restrictions on you, like a child! I should be able to trust that you won’t hurt me.”

“Then trust me. I’m not going to do anything with this.” He assured and she pouted.

“What if you never stop loving her?” She asked him and he sighed.

“Babe, I don’t know…”

“Well what then? I just have to live in her shadow for however long we’re together? What if that’s my whole life?” She asked with a frown and he was getting a bit frustrated that people weren’t understanding that this wasn’t a competition for him.

“Babe, it’s not like that…you’re not in her shadow because you’re never going to be her!” He groaned and she frowned, “Let me finish.You’re not Y/N and Y/N’s not ever going to be you. It’s not a competition…I don’t want you to give me what I had with her. I like what we have now. I’m not comparing, I’m not trying to get pieces of that relationship back through you. They’re two mutually exclusive things! If I continue to be here for you how you need, and I’m faithful, and supportive, and am fulfilling all of those duties we talked about… how do my feelings for her impact us?” He asked.

“See, to me that feels like a cop out.” She said and Harry sighed.

“How?! How on earth?”

“Because you can continue loving her for the rest of your life if you want under this mentality you have! What if loving her from afar stops being enough? I don’t want to share you with someone else! That’s not what I signed up for.”

“You’re not sharing me with anyone!” He groaned.

“See that’s what you’re not getting, Harry. I know you feel you’re not and you can even make the distinction, but I can’t do that, H. I don’t function that way. How do I know that one day your mind won’t change and you’ll want to be with her instead of me since you’ve kept this channel open?” She asked.

“My feelings for you can start to change at any given moment for any number of reasons that are completely unrelated to Y/N, so-”

“You’re a dick.” She said and got out of bed and just locked herself in the bathroom. 

He tried to explain what it was he was trying to convey but Tommy was right, this was getting messy. She said she’d only come out when he was out of the bedroom so he made his way to the general area of the large condo style suite they’d rented out at the resort and just laid on the couch. If there was an off-switch to loving you, Harry would’ve made use of it ages ago. It wasn’t easy to love someone who life kept pushing out of your reach. He just loved you 

from afar, he reckons he always would.

…. February 2024 ….

You were at your wits end with Sebastian. It took him about a month of you two being broken up before he started trying to spark things up between the two of you again. You wanted to believe it was because he’s considered his antiquated (in your opinion) expectations of you, but your gut told you it had more to do with the fact that you were what gave him more exposure. You hadn’t really run into him anywhere during awards season or even any parties, though he had been persistent to talk to you. You’d declined and rejected him so many times, yet once again, you got home from the studio to see your assistant had left yet another fresh bouquet of roses on the console table you had by the door. You sighed and grabbed the little card that was tucked in among the greenery.

Thinking of you today, Y/N. I hope we can talk or see each other soon. I’ll be waiting.

- XO, Seb

You sighed as you picked out the little card and crumbled it in your hand. Now you had a dozen red roses you had no use for. It irked you quite a bit, like everything was though as of late. This foulness of your mood was brought on by the visit of a mutual friend a few weeks prior. They were based in London though, so you hadn’t seen each other face to face in at least three year. But when you met up, they talked about your old circle in London, and obviously that led to the mentioning of Harry and how happy he was with Taylor. They said that the pair had been traveling together a lot, and just really immersing themselves in what they had going on. Hearing that solidified your decision to just steer clear of anything that had to do with Harry. Especially if he was really focused on making things work in his current relationship, as he should! But this also reminded you that you really needed to move on and not just say you would, like you often did. You slipped out of your loafers and migrated to the kitchen to figure out your dinner when your phone started ringing and you glanced down to see it was one of the guys from the studio.

“Hey Ricky, what’s up?” You asked with some pep.

“Hey Y/N, it’s going good. We’re almost done with the single. Ummm, I was actually calling about something else though. You know how my younger sister’s in a band?” He asked.

“Yeah…” you said as you opened up your fridge.

“So they’re doing this charity concert to raise money for an emergency student fund for students in financial need at UCSD. She asked me to run the sound system and if I could rope in any friends to volunteer for the main performance last minute? They’ve got a few local bands and singers lined up and them plus a surprise guest is what they hoped. But the surprise guest decided to drop out since they weren’t going to be paid.”

“What an ass.”

“I know, they knew about it too! It’s for charity!” He said, “Obviously, they’re at a loss and don’t want the event to flop. I told my sister she had one favor a year and she called it. So I was wondering if-”

“Oh my god, you don’t even have to ask. It’s for a good cause! When is it?” You asked.

“It’s going to be on March 9th, it’s a Saturday, at the SDSU amphitheater.” He shared and she pulled her phone away to put him on speaker and look at her calendar.

“Ummm, I don’t believe I have anything lined up for that weekend…yeah, no. I’m all clear so I can definitely participate.” You assured.

“Seriously?!” Ricky asked in disbelief, “Like they can’t pay anything though. The school pitched in for some thank you gifts, that’s all.” He said and you chuckled.

“No problem. I would love to help out.”

“You’re a saint! Let me text you her information so that you can reach out to her and get the lowdown on all this.”

“Sounds good.”

“Thank you, Y/N. Seriously, thank you so much! You’re the tenth person I’ve called.” Ricky confessed.

“Ummm?” You exclaimed, face twisted in full offense, “I’m offended that I’m the tenth choice.” You chuckled, “Unless you were like calling in personal favors from like Lana or Rihanna.” You added and he chuckled.

“No…I just know you’ve been going through a bit emotionally lately, so I didn’t want to rope you into anything last minute and burden you with anything else.” He explained.

“Oh, I’m up for anything that involves singing.” You assured him and he chuckled.

“Well thank you, she’s going to be so happy about this. She’s kind of a fan…” Ricky sighed in relief and you chuckled.

“Anytime. See you tomorrow?”

“Yep. Have a good night.”

“I will. And Ricky, don’t stay too late, please.” You said and he chuckled.

“I’ll try…” he mumbled and you both chuckled before hanging up.  

…. MARCH 2024 ….

Time had flown by and you had rehearsed with Alondra, Ricky’s sister, and her band the weekend before the show. You’d actually spent the weekend with them, at Marisol, their drummer’s house. You’d all slept over and they took you around to some of the low-key spots in the area. You really enjoyed spending the weekend with them, Marisol’s parents were so sweet and hospitable. But on Sunday afternoon you moved to an AirBnB that was closer to the campus and would provide you all plenty of space and privacy to rehearse later in the week. Ricky drove up on Tuesday night with Caitlyn and Melissa to stay with you for the rest of the time as well.

On Friday night you were doing your rehearsal/soundcheck at the amphitheater right before the city’s noise curfew. This was because there weren’t as many people on campus around at that hour and a larger area had already been blocked off from public access for the event. So thankfully you guys finished that quite fast and Ricky had all your settings down for the following day.

“You guys sounded so good.” Ricky assured as his arm draped around Alondra’s shoulder as you guys rallied up on the now cleared stage.

“Yeah?” She asked and he nodded with pride.

“OK, so are we getting drinks or what?” Their keyboard player, Pablo interrupted, “I need something to distract me, please.” He mumbled and you frowned, you had no idea what was wrong, but going out to get shit faced before a gig day was a poor idea.

“Well in the interest of ensuring you don’t feel like shit tomorrow, we can go to the house? We have a pool and hot tub, and I know Caitlyn has weed on her, and we can get drinks and order food?” You suggested.

“You’re really just giving away your friend’s weed?” Pablo chuckled.

“I can get her more.” You chuckled, “What do you guys say?” You wanted to ensure that whatever had Pablo so worked up didn’t make him lose control.

“I like it, let’s do it.” Alondra said and with that you were making your way over to the AirBnB. 

After making your purchases and just ordering some pizza’s you guys were all hanging out in the patio enjoying the refreshing breeze of the night. Pablo was definitely a little crossed and looking quite bummed out. You wanted to ask him what was wrong, but didn’t want to seem nosy. So you headed inside to find Alondra, she had gone in to get herself some water.

“Hey, what’s wrong with Pablo?” You asked as you came into the kitchen.

“Oh, he found out that his ex-girlfriend is now dating one of the guys from another band that will be playing tomorrow, he saw her name on their guest list. They haven’t seen each other since the break up which actually was maybe a year ago. It was just a really sad time for him.” She explained quietly.

“Oh…yeah, running into an ex can be weird after so long.” You shared from personal experience.

“Yeah, they’d been together since high school, so I think the relationship had just run its course and she knew it, but he didn’t see it like that. He talked about marrying her and having kids with her all the time and she’s so sweet, but he was just really giving up on everything else to stay with her and she didn’t want that for him, so she ended it before he sacrificed too much, you know?”

“Yeah, I know how that is…” you assured. And suddenly you heard a familiar song play loudly from the outside…

“No hard feelings honey

There’ll be no bad blood

Losing your love has been hard enough

Life can be short, but life can be sweet

No hard feelings honey, the next time we meet”

Your heart shriveled in your chest because this song had been played a lot by you. The single had come out maybe a month or two after you and Harry ended things. You’d cried so much to this song, it still made you feel things, clearly. You were pulled from your thoughts when you heard Pablo and Caitlyn all singing along loudly and you and Alondra rushed outside as Ricky smiled at you guys. Pablo was sandwiched between Caitlyn and Jesse, the bassist, as a few tears streamed down his face as he sang the lyrics to “No Hard Feelings”.

“We need to add this to the set list…please!” He sniffled as he stopped singing along, “I learned how to play it a bit ago. Please….” He begged Alondra with tearful, puppy dog eyes.

“I mean, w-we can, but I actually don’t know this song, I don’t think I can get it down by tomorrow.” She explained. Pablo was not a singer, he hated it, so he glanced to Marisol who also was not all that confident in learning the song right now for a performance the next day.

“Y/N?” He turned to you, “Do you know it?” He asked you.

“She does!” Caitlyn cut in, “Sing it with him!” She pouted at you and you glanced to Pablo who looked so hopeful now and you forced a smile.

“I do. I also know the bass part.” You shared and he smiled.

“I just want her to know that I’m glad she’s happy. It hurts, but I’m so happy for her.” He said and everyone hummed in understanding and then Caitlyn’s eyes glanced to yours as you swallowed thickly. ‘SORRY’ she mouthed to you when she realized what she’d done and you just smiled at her to assure her it was fine. Even if it wasn’t, it had to be fine.

The next morning Pablo was up with you, earlier than everyone else, and with some coffee in your hands you got to figuring out an arrangement. Luckily, Ricky had brought along a guitar, bass, and travel sized amp for the work you’d be doing during the week and so you practiced on that. There was a piano in the house, so Pablo practiced on that for now. You were both so familiar with the song that it was so fast to get an arrangement set and for your guys to get it down. You had agreed on starting out the first verse/chorus with the keyboard like in the lullaby version and then you’d come in with the bass and transition into the regular studio version. You went over it a handful of times before deciding that it was perfect.

And so far, it was going perfect, the concert was sold out and the bands were doing great. People were singing along and having a nice time. You didn’t get nervous so much anymore, but it nearing the end of the show and you were waiting back stage to have Alondra call you out to play alone with Pablo.

“Thank you everyone.” Alondra spoke into the mic, “Before we wrap it up, we have just a couple more songs for you guys.” she said and the crowd cheered, “Thanks, you guys are great. Now, we’re going to bring Y/N out one more time for a special song with Pablo.” and upon mentioning your name the crowd started to cheer louder, “We hope you like this one.” She smiled and moved away from the mic. 

Jesse took off his bass and handed it to you. You got it on as you walked further onto the stage. You smiled as you got it in a comfortable position  and glanced to Pablo who nodded that he was ready to go. You felt your stomach swirling with nerves and nostalgia, but you had to use that to push forward. You let out a long exhale as you gave the bass a couple plucks to test the volume in your earpiece and when that was good you walked up to mic properly.

“Please be gentle with this one.” You said softly and then glanced back to Pablo and gave him one more nod as you inhaled and started to sing.

You faintly heard some gasps and coos when people recognized what you were singing before everyone fell mostly silent and just listened. The entire amphitheater started to light up with flashlights from people’s phones, making the moment feel magical as well as solemn as you sang through the first two verses. When you got to the instrumental you angled yourself towards Pablo to be able to see his cues. You then turned back to the mic as you guys got ready for the final verse, you eased out of playing the bass and went back to just Pablo playing the keyboard, letting his final note resonate as you took a deep breath as you leaned into the mic. And when your eyes shut gently to envision the words Harry’s face appeared and you knew your facade would crumble.

“The threads that kept us together were already wearing thin…” your voice faded into breathy whisper as a huge knot formed in your throat. Pablo noticed and you swallowed thickly and he slowed his tempo to let you get to the next part, “Would we ever have tied the knot? Well how long is a piece of string?” You sang sweetly as your tears started to silently streak down your face. “And for everything that ends, something else must begin…” Your voice cracked as you inhaled shakily to finish the song. The crowd cheered you on, giving you the courage to finish the song, “No hard feelings, honey. And we both will take the win.” You finished softly and you quickly turned away from the mic as a sob escaped you. The audience was so kind and generous with you two as an also crying Pablo came up and hugged you tight.

“You were so good…thank you for doing this for me.” He hummed before he let you go. Your hands squeezed his and you nodded and smiled at him before waving and walking off stage for the final time. You couldn’t even hear Alondra’s final thanks as you hurried down the steps to find a place to be alone and cry it out for just a bit before you had to face everyone again.

**************

You kind of felt like an idiot for agreeing to sing this song with Pablo over the weekend because the performance had gone viral overnight. Then, first thing Monday, the university’s media department posted a full length, HQ video of it. Obviously, the story was that you delivered such an emotional and beautiful performance because your break up with Sebastian was so fresh. A bunch of reporters and blogs had reached out for commentary and you had declined, of course. That didn’t stop Sebastian from reaching out several times trying to reconcile things between you two. It had all been turned into one big, chaotic, and raging dumpster fire.

Noticing the chaos that had ensued from his performance you were invited out to a wine bar with a couple friends just to loosen up. And on your way out you were swarmed by a small group of paparazzi, and as you tried to get through, one of the paps asked about how you were actually coping with the break up because you had seemed happy about it before. Then, another asked if the performance was for Sebastian. Maybe it was because you were a bit drunk, but you decided to give a response because you didn’t want to keep encouraging Seb.

“Look, that song is just special to me, it has been for years. And performing it kind of transported me back to that time of my life where it was my lifeline.” You explained, “There’s a lot of history with this song and a lot of feelings I had been holding in for a while came out during the performance, that’s all.” You explained, “I promise, I’m fine and everything’s good with the break up.” You assured before being tugged away by Ricky to his car as he muttered something about you not owning anyone any explanations.

****************

HARRY’S POV:

Harry was sure that everything had been going well between him and Taylor. He really had focused on her and on them and things had been going great. She had been back to her old self and then at some point over the weekend something shifted because she was a bit annoyed again and it only got worse during the week. Harry figured it was something personal because he was pretty sure that he had done nothing to illicit any type of irritation from her. But he could see she was having a hard time with not taking out any frustration on him so he decided to ask, just in case.

“Babe, is everything alright?” He asked as he strolled into the entertainment room, she’d been in there reading after dinner. When she glanced up he was met with an exasperated and somewhat angry expression and he wished he had left it alone, “Have I done something?” He followed up as he sat at the edge of cushion with her legs on it. “Please tell me if I have, I thought we were doing good.” He said as one of his hands smoothed up her ankle to her knee, this was to placate both him and her. He really needed to know because he felt like he was walking on eggshells the last few days.

“No, H. You’re…good. I’m sorry, I’m just really trying my best not to take my frustration out on you for something that I know isn’t really your issue-”

“OK, well what is it? Maybe I can help.” He offered.

“No, it’s super insignificant and stupid…”

“I think not if it has you in this state, babe.” He countered her logic. “C’mon, let me help you.” He insisted and she shook her head.

“Trust me, Harry, you don’t need to know about this.” She assured. That made him a bit annoyed because whether she meant to or not, she was being weird with him and he wanted it to stop.

“Well I think I do. You’re trying not to take it out on me but you’re still acting strange and  cold and are super irritable anyway so-”

“It’s freaking Y/N, OK!?” She finally said, voice raised and laced with irritation. Harry frowned and now his anger was aimed at you. Had you said something to Taylor? He couldn’t see a world in which you would, but maybe you had. And well whatever it was, it had to have been really personal for her to be reacting like this and being upset over it for days now.

“OK? Did she do or say something to you?” He asked and she sighed.

“No…not directly, but she…she’s doing a bad job at fixing that stunt she pulled over the weekend and-”

“What? What stunt?” He asked. He really had completely blocked out anything about you because he didn’t want to make Taylor feel like he was keeping tabs on you or his options open. So he truly had no idea what you had done or were up to recently.

“She sang at some college charity show and she sang this song…but she did it on purpose because the song’s about you! It’s a break up song about seeing your ex again!” She insisted. Harry’s curiosity was piqued. What song had you sang that she was so sure it was about him? 

“Maybe it was about her recent break up, babe.” He tried to think of anything else that would make her let this go and not worry about it so much.

“Not according to what she told the paparazzi yesterday.” She added and Harry sighed but couldn’t prevent the chuckle that slipped past his mouth.

“Oh my god, love…since when do we care about anything the paps have to say? Hmmm?” He asked and she sighed. 

“There’s video.” She informed. “I’ve seen it…multiple times, much to my misfortune” she shared and upon hearing this Harry felt defeat overcome him. He needed to choose his next words carefully, because it was something that might upset her further, but she needed to hear.

“Look, I know you have every right to be wary of this and even to doubt me, but babe, this has gone too far. Way too far.” Harry stated his concern and she sighed, the same defeated look over her face.

“I know, babe. I know it has.” She admitted.

“I just…I’m trying to understand it, babe.” He sighed with confusion, “All this time I’ve been putting all of my focus on us and improving our relationship, like I told you I would. And  honestly, t’s feeling like you hardly notice or care for it all because all you do is obsess over my ex!” He explained his feelings, evidently quite forlorn.

“The ex you still love, H.” She reminded him of that pertinent detail. Harry nodded in understanding and scoffed out a defeated laugh.

“Tay, I can’t do anything else to prove to you that I love you and am committed to you. I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to get you to just be here again. Please, just be here with me.” He beckoned she blinked rapidly as she drew her eyes up to the ceiling.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind too.” She confessed softly, “I promise I’m trying to move past this, H. I am. But honestly, I’m starting to think that maybe I just…can’t.” she confessed and he nodded silently. “I see the effort, babe. Thank you for it, I appreciate it, I promise you, I do.” She insisted, “I just…kind of wish you had never said anything to me about this…” she confessed. Harry was feeling that way too. He should’ve just made something up about why he was acting strange. 

“I think I’m just going t’go to bed. Sleep on it, hopefully wake up feeling a bit more optimistic about this than today.” She said and he nodded as she got up from he couch.

“I love you, sleep well.” He said. She leaned over him and kissed his forehead and gave him a smile before leaving him alone.

Harry felt super shit now. He had fucked up a catastrophic amount. He truly did regret being honest about the situation with you. He should’ve kept it to himself because now things were just getting weird. Sure, he was a bit annoyed with Taylor’s recent hobby of stalking you, but he couldn’t blame her or label her insane for it, he had done that to her. And for the first time he truly questioned what it was that he had gone and done with you. She didn’t deserve to doubt herself or their relationship like she was now. They were both having a miserable time and it was entirely his fault. He wasn’t sure what to do from here, he didn’t even know if there was anything he could do to help fix this.

*************

It took Harry a few days before he decided to look up the videos Taylor was talking about to see for himself why she was struggling so much to let this one go. But when he saw the video of you singing “No Hard Feelings” with so much emotion he knew it had nothing to do with Sebastian. He had to force down the growing lump in his throat and blink away the tears accumulating in his eyes, this felt like a goodbye from you almost and it confused him. The emotion was definitely tangible even weeks later though a screen, he could understand why it was haunting Taylor. And then he saw the pap video she mentioned, he couldn’t agree that what you had said was damning evidence, but if she felt that way, what could he do? He wasn’t going to tell her he watched them. They did make him want to call you though, but of course he’d leave it alone and decided against it, both for his and Taylor’s sake. 

Instead, he called Caitlyn, he needed to see what in the world you had been thinking when you decided to do that. He was genuinely curious. Of course, he first texted her to let her know he wanted to talk when she could. He didn’t want to just spring a call on her and risk you being there. And finally, the time they had agreed to talk had come and she was calling him. He strolled out to his back yard, taking advantage of the evening breeze while Taylor got ready. They were going to Mitch and Sarah’s place for dinner in a bit.

“Hey, Har!” Caitlyn greeted him energetically for her time of day.

“Hiya.” He greeted, “You sound chipper.”

“Just came in from a jazzercise class.” She explained and he chuckled.

“Oh shit, did it go well?”

“Yeah. It was really fun. How are you? How’s it going?”

“I’m alright, but it’s been a bit…tough.”

“Did something happen?”

“Well I told Taylor about seeing Y/N, so I’ve been making up for that…but I guess there was a show a couple weeks ago and she sang a song that has her a bit upset. She feels like Y/N did it on purpose I guess, to like…bait me in or something. And then she said some bit about it being important to her in the past and that’s kind of what…made Tay just lose it a bit.” He explained and Caitlyn hummed.

“Well, the song wasn’t to bait you, it’s kind of my fault she ended up singing it. The guy she played it with found out his ex was going to be at the show with someone else just the night before and he wanted to sing it for her. It was very last minute…she was the only one who knew the song well enough to pull it off with him the very next day. I volunteered her and put her in a difficult position where she couldn’t really decline…I knew she knew the song because she did listen to it a lot after…I didn’t know it would…affect her like that though.” She explained sadly, “I’m sorry it caused trouble for you, H.” Caitlyn apologized.

“It’s alright, Cait.” He assured. Now that he understood the context he felt relieved. He knew you weren’t a petty person like he could be, and he was a bit upset at himself for even considering that you would actually do something on purpose to bait him or cause turmoil in his relationship.

“I just feel awful…as you probably know now, she’s gone viral for it and it’s caused her some problems. It was such a vulnerable moment that she didn’t expect either so I know she hates that it’s kind of blown her up a bit.”

“I mean, she sounded incredible and it was just so sincere. Of course everyone’s obsessed with it.” He said with understanding.

“Yeah. She just feels really exposed, I think. And also, when she said that to the pap, about it being something form her past, she was super drunk. She called me the next morning asking if it sounded as awful as she felt it did, which I personally don’t think it did. But I mean, I could understand why Tay’s feeling upset about this.” Caitlyn said and Harry nodded.

“Yeah…I just don’t know what I can do to…fix this.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah…a few days ago she said that she wasn’t sure if she could get past all this. I don’t blame her…it’s a lot to get past.”

“Well what did you say to her when you told her about Y/N?”

“I…admitted that I still had feelings for her.” He sighed and Caitlyn did as well, “But like, I didn’t even know that for sure until she was right in my face. Like I knew I missed her, but just being with her again, it just brought everything that I’d been repressing up to the surface. I regret being honest with Tay, about it all.” He sighed, “She regrets it too apparently. Wishes I never said anything.” He added with defeat.

“Well it is quite a lot to get through. Especially if she knows you still have deep feelings for Y/N. It can be scary thinking that you’ve given your whole heart to someone only to discover that you’re not the only one they love.” She explained “She might feel like a place holder until you and Y/N can get back together.”

“Well she’s not. I love her too.”

“I know, but that just doesn’t work for some people, H. Maybe this is what’s supposed to happen.” Caitlyn said and he sighed.

“I never meant to hurt anyone like this…”

“Well, it’s collateral damage. There’s always going to be someone who gets hurt. S’why I was warning you guys to be careful with this.” She reminded and he hummed.

“Did she end things with Seb for me?” He asked after a beat of silence.

“No. They went to his family’s for the holidays and as it turns out they function under this idea that men’s love language is acts of service, as in, women should wait on us hand and foot while we sit around with our dicks in our hands…” she said with some disdain still feeling salty about the whole thing. 

“Get out…” he groaned with secondhand embarrassment for the male species as a whole.

“It was a whole thing…his sister’s and mom were talking shit about her for it after the first night. She knew he was babied by his mom, but not that she was like his fucking PA! Either way, when they got back they talked about it and he basically said that she’d ease into it and learn how to treat him and take a more feminine role in their home as their relationship advanced or some shit like that…and she was like “umm, you should be cleaning up after yourself because it’s actually my home”, and he got all sensitive about that, the fucking free loader…” Caitlyn said.

“God…good for her though. I’m glad she stuck up to him.”

“Yeah, and well, he actually broke up with her…she’s not upset about it or anything. Just more annoyed really as now he’s trying to win her back, but she’s just ignoring him.”

“Good. That’s good to hear. When I heard about the break up I wanted to reach out but I can’t.” He explained.

“Yeah, I’m glad you’re seeing that. Especially with the situation you’re in.”

“Well that, but like I literally cannot. Tay asked me to delete her contact in case I got tempted to reach out again and I did, so I don’t even have her number anymore.” Harry let out a breathy laugh and after a few moments he inhaled and started to cry. Caitlyn frowned and tutted as she heard him breaking down.

“Harry, hey…” she cooed, “What’s the matter?”

“Ugh…nothing. I think I’ve just been holding that in.” He sniffled, “I kind of hate myself for making Taylor go to these lengths…I know she hates doing that kind of stuff too. And Y/N…god, why is she always on my mind. I can’t shake her, Cait. I just can’t…if I could change my heart I would. I know that it’s hurting us more than helping us.” He sniffled.

“If it helps to know, I think she’s made peace with the fact that you’re with the best person for you.” She said and hearing that physically hurt him, it made his chest tighten up and feel hollow at the same time. “I know it hurts her sometimes but she’s genuinely really happy for you, H. She truly is. So give it your all, yeah? Make this right.” Caitlyn said and he sniffled.

“OK. Thanks, Cait.”

“Anytime, H.” She assured him.

“I know you’re best friends and all, but just keep this between us, yeah?”

“Of course.” She assured, “If there’s anything I can do at all just let me know, OK? Or just listen if you need it.”

“Thank you. Bye.”

“Bye.” She said and they hung up.

Harry felt like a full blown asshole. He had hurt the two people he was in love with and now he had to choose. He had hoped that things cleared up on their own, but they were as murky as ever. It shouldn’t be hard to just choose the person he was with, but it was. It felt like he was losing. Well, who was he kidding, he had already lost you.

…. MAY 2024 ….

It was the night of the MET and you had just finished getting your hair and make up done for one of the after party’s. Caitlyn was your +1 to the parties and was more than excited to be tagging along with you for her first ever met. You’d been invited before, when Harry hosted, but you just laid super low. You even left his after party early because you had a work event in LA the next morning. Being the man of the hour you didn’t really see much of him that entire night. You did kiss him goodbye, but he was balls to the walls high on you weren’t even sure what, and that was that. This time, you were invited without any internal connections, but you were sure it was because you were still riding on that viral wave. You weren’t going to go, you didn’t want to keep calling attention to yourself. But your manager and friends insisted that you needed this, just to have a fun night out without cameras. And well, that was true, there were never cameras at these things, just outside.

“You ready?” Caitlyn asked you as you looked over your reflection one more time.

“If they’re where we are, we’re leaving.” You said and Caitlyn nodded in agreement.

You had been strategic and decided to party hop to decrease the likelihood of you running in Harry and Taylor after learning that they were attending together. You were feeling good, you’d successfully made it through two of the three parties you had been invited to and having a blast. Normally, you’d be dying to get home, but you had taken some E as you were leaving the first party in hopes to have endurance for the next two parties. You felt floaty and happy and tingly under its influence. You could quite literally feel the music around you, the hard hits of the bass tickled from the soles of your feet and up your legs. You were surrounded by people, probably in a similar state as you, dancing through their highs with racing hearts. 

And through all the dancing and euphoria you were making out with someone. It was in a dark corner and you had no idea who it was. All you knew was that your mouths were moving together eagerly. Suddenly, you were being tugged away, much to your dismay, because it did feel very nice especially while you were under this high.

“Cait…” you huffed as she apologized to the person you were with as she dragged you away.

“I think it’s time to go.” She said against your ear as she chuckled and you mumbled something about not wanting to go yet. “Babe, I just saw Harry and Taylor across the bar. We should go.” She said to you and that made your heart tighten and ache. 

Your smile dropped and you glanced around the busy room. When you heard a British accent behind you, you whipped around hoping to see Harry, but it was someone else. Then, you thought you heard his laugh and you turned in another direction, but maybe it was just in your head. You were at the peak of your high, so things were very murky. And as you looked for Harry, that nice feeling was starting to turn ugly. Caitlyn realized what was happening and grabbed your face in her hands and your gaze met hers for a few seconds.

“Hey, they’re all the way across the room. They’re nowhere near here.” She assured and you nodded.

“I need to use the bathroom before we go.” You said and she nodded.

“OK, c’mon.” She said grabbing your hand and guiding you through the crowd and to the bathroom. “Give me your bag, I’ll call your car. I’ll be right over there by the security check.” She pointed and you nodded a few times as you handed over your purse.

You walked into the bathroom and the white lights over the sink were far too bright for your overly dilated pupils. You hurried into a stall and struggled a bit with getting your dress enough out of the way so you could use the bathroom. And as you sat in the stall alone with your thoughts you started to feel cold and trembly. Your ears were ringing in the relative silence of the bathroom and you felt like the stall was starting to get smaller. You sped things up and hurried out to wash your hands, trying your very hardest to ignore your erratic heartbeat and the churning of your stomach. You didn’t even bother with drying your hands, you just smeared them against your dress as you rushed out of the bathroom. You were ready to get out of this situation before it brought on a full blown bad trip. 

But you came to a screeching halt when you saw Harry chatting animately with Rita Ora and Taika Waititi just a few feet away from you. They were laughing, heads knocked back in enjoyment. You were frozen for a few seconds as reality caught up to you and you glanced around for Taylor. She wasn’t in your line of sight yet, you’d wait in the bathroom. You took a few unsteady steps back before deciding that was the best course of action. You twirled around and hurried back, your heart was hammering in your chest and your breathing was completely shallow. You felt your body trembling like a dying leaf in the wind and your stomach was twisting as you stumbled back into the bathroom. Much to your misfortunate, you were met with Taylor drying her hands. You sighed shakily, about to turn back around but she glanced over with a lovely smile, but when she realized it was you it dropped entirely from her face in a moment. You turned around to leave again but then remembered Harry was actually right outside.

“You were with him just now, weren’t you?” She asked you with a frown and disappointment drenching her tone.

You suddenly felt sick to your stomach and you whipped back around and rushed past her into a stall and just started to throw up. You felt completely overwhelmed and overstimulated. Feeling as much as you did now was not to your benefit. But you were more than grateful to hear her footsteps receding as you spat out the sour taste from your mouth. You wiped your mouth with some toilet paper and flushed away your mess, trying your best not to get sick again just from seeing the mess that had come out of you. You were alone now and took your time to rinse your mouth and your hands, hoping they’d go before you had to face them again.

***************

HARRY’S POV:

Harry glanced over to the hallway for the bathrooms to see Taylor coming out with an unreadable expression on her face. He was still smiling from the laugh he had just had with Rita and Taika before they headed out.

“You were with Y/N. Weren’t you?” She asked with an accusatory tone and he looked baffled by this accusation.

“Babe, no. I’ve been standing here this whole time-”

“Well then why did she get one look at me and get sick?” She asked with confusion and a frown on her face. Harry’s face scrunched with concern.

“I didn’t.” He said and she looked skeptical, “I swear!” He insisted and she rolled her lips together for a moment.

“I want to leave.” She said decisively and he nodded.

“OK.” He nodded, “I-is Y/N alright though? Does she need any help or-” Taylor walked off towards the exit leaving him mid sentence. He was reluctant as he followed after her and glanced back down the hallway of the bathroom before rushing after Taylor who was practically out the door now. He was making his way towards the exit when he saw Caitlyn standing by the door on her phone. Surely she’d come along with you. Taylor hurried outside and Harry stopped for a moment to greet Caitlyn.

“Cait!” He called her name and she glanced up and her eyes widened and she glanced around quickly before she smiled at him as he came up and hugged her.

“Hey! How are you?” She asked as they pulled away.

“M'alright. Ummm, Y/N had a run in with Tay in the bathroom.” He said and Caitlyn frowned.

“Oh, sorry.” She said glancing over to Taylor who was now looking at them expectantly. She offered a smile and Taylor returned it before quickly glancing down to her shoes.

“She said something about Y/N getting sick. Maybe you should go check on her if she hasn’t texted you.” He said.

“Oh shit, thank you. I actually have her phone with me, we’re waiting for her car.” She explained.

“Then yeah, please check on her.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, she’s pretty fucked up too. But ummm, is that why you guys are leaving?” She asked and he nodded.

“Tay thinks I spoke to her…which I didn’t. I didn’t even see her tonight, I swear it.” He said and she nodded.

“I know, Harry. I believe you.” She assured and he sighed.

“Thank you.” He said and she smiled at him with sympathy.

“Alright, now get going.”

“Please, make sure she’s OK.”

“I will.” Caitlyn smiled and they kissed cheeks before he hurried out. 

Taylor watched as Caitlyn hurried back inside and then turned into the hallway that led to the bathrooms. She swallowed thickly and hugged her arms around herself when Harry tried to grab her hand when he came up beside her.

“I didn’t speak to her, babe.” He insisted again with frustration. “Did she say something to you?”

“No.” She responded monotonously. “Just call the car, please.” She said and he nodded and did just that, “Five minutes.” He informed her once he hung up and she nodded. 

A few moments later Caitlyn was rushing you out of the venue, but even the chatter outside didn’t mask the sharp inhales of you trying to breathe through your crying. You two hurried past him and Taylor and into the car that was now waiting by the curb. She opened up the door for you and helped you get settled in the car. Harry found himself taking a few steps towards you but stopped himself. He wanted to see you, even if it was just for a second. But Caitlyn scooted in behind you and mouthed one final ‘thank you’ before shutting the door so that you could take off.

The car ride back to his hotel was tense and uncomfortably quiet. He genuinely didn’t think that Taylor had any reason to be upset tonight. This was a huge event, lots of people were bound to be there. And still, he hadn’t seen or even spoken to you once in the entire time. He didn’t think it was wrong that he was concerned for you when she told him that you’d gotten sick. He would’ve been concerned for anyone who was in that position, especially at a party like this where he knew there were drugs and alcohol around. He tried not to be upset at her though because he had no idea what was going on in her head that made her upset. 

When they got into their hotel room she immediately slipped out of her heels and headed into the bathroom. He heard the door shut and then the shower come on. He made his way over and listened through the wood to see if she was crying, but she wasn’t. At least there was that. Maybe she just needed to cool down from the situation because truly there was nothing that he did wrong. He debated for several minutes whether he should call Caitlyn to check on you or not. And who was he kidding, he needed to check in.

“Hey H.” She answered him right away, “Don’t you worry, she’s alright. She’s just having a shower now.” Is the first thing she said and he smiled a bit.

“Good. Nothing bad happened right? With Tay?”

“No. She said that when she was leaving the bathroom she walked out and saw you waiting in front of the hallway, so she hurried back into bathroom. Y/N didn’t want to stir up any trouble by saying hi or just being near you if Taylor was around. But when she came back into the bathroom, kind of in shock from seeing you right there, Taylor was there and she asked if you’d just been together, that’s all. And well, Y/N said she just felt trapped and got anxious from the fucking molly she took and just got sick. She was just crying because you know how much she hates throwing up. Not because you were with your girlfriend.” She assured him.

“Yeah.” He smiled as he recalled this detail about you, “The throwing up is probably why Taylor thinks we spoke. Just from her reaction to the question, I guess.”

“Maybe so…but in all honesty, we party hopped all night because we were trying to avoid you. And when I saw you guys when I went to the bar I told Y/N we needed to leave.”

“Oh…” he said with some hurt radiating through his chest.

“Yeah…S’just that after we spoke last time I just didn’t want to give her any reasons to doubt you or to think Y/N was meddling or something. Obviously, Y/N doesn’t want to ignore you, but she also doesn’t want to complicate things for you. But…”

“Shit happens.” Harry sighed.

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I’m glad she’s fine. She’s coming down alright?”

“Yeah, she’s good so far. I’ll take good care of her.” Caitlyn assured him. 

“I know you will.” He smiled.

“And are you alright?” She asked him.

“I think so…we haven’t spoken about it yet, so we’ll see. I just- I don’t want you guys to think Taylor’s a bad person for this. She’s not usually like this.” He explained.

“We don’t, H. She’s just navigating this situation the way it comes, you know? She has every right to feel apprehensive.”

“Yeah. Thank you for understanding.” he sighed.

“Of course.” She responded.

“Well thanks for answering, I just want to check in. And I’m sorry if we ruined your evening…” he apologized with a regretful sigh.

“Who are you talking to?” Harry heard from behind him and he glanced back to see Taylor wrapped up in her towel.

“My friend Caitlyn.” He said and she looked skeptical.

“It’s cool, H. Go deal with that.”

“Thanks. Good night.” Harry said before hanging up. He stood and then handed his phone over to her to see the call history. “See.”

“But Y/N is with her.”

“She was in the shower.” He said and she bit her lip, “I didn’t talk to her. I didn’t even see her until they walked out, babe.” He said.

“And why are you apologizing for ruining their evening? Now we have to walk on egg shells to protect her feelings?” She asked him and he sighed.

“No, I’m apologizing for that because they had been party hopping all night precisely to avoid running into us and causing you to think something was up.” He said signaling between them and she frowned.

“Is that how you’re telling it to people? That I’m just angry about your ex?” She asked him.

“No! I mentioned to Caitlyn the thing that you told me before about the song and the paps. I just needed to be sure that Y/N wasn’t trying to get a reaction of me or you. I know she’s not like that, but when people are upset they can sometimes do things that are out of character.” He said looking to her, hoping she’d catch his drift. She scoffed out a laugh and headed back into the bedroom. “Babe…” he sighed as he sat on the bed as she dug her pajamas out in silence. “Did you confront her about being with me tonight?” He asked her.

“I’m not going to feel bad for that, Harry. I wasn’t rude about it, I just asked.”

“I’m sure you weren’t but-”

“She was probably going to though-”

“For fucks sake! She was running back into the bathroom to avoid having to run into me!” He shouted, “She saw me and decided to wait in there until I was gone. She’s the one walking on fucking egg shells as if she’s the one driving the wedge deeper and deeper into our relationship!” 

“So you’re saying this is my fault?” She asked him with a confused frown and he sighed.

“Tonight, yes.” He said. “I have…done what I can. Everything you’ve asked to try and make this work, to make it better. To have you believe me-”

“Harry, she’s still in love with you!” She shouted in exasperation.

“And what?! She’s happy for me! She’s happy for us! She didn’t delete my number and hasn’t reached out at all! Look at the fucking lengths she tried to go through tonight just to ensure that we weren’t uncomfortable! For fucks sake, just let it go! Please!” He was panting from how frustrated he was. He swore that smoke was blowing out of his ears as all of his pent up frustration reached its boiling point. He felt that he had been as understanding and as patient as possible, but it had been months of the same thing. She bit down on the inside of her cheek for a few moments. “I’m sorry for shouting at-”

“I think we both know that this has been over.” She said softly and his chest tightened. “I don’t like myself anymore.” She said with a frown, “I hate feeling insecure in us or just like I’m second best.” She sniffled. “I know you’ve never said that to me but just the fact that your heart’s in two different places makes me feel that way. Believe me, I have been trying to not let it bother me or just to understand how this can work for you, but I can’t.” She explained.

“I’m so sorry.” He apologized and she shrugged. “I never meant to make you feel that way. I just…I wanted to be honest with you, I felt bad for keeping that from you-”

“I know. I think you did the right thing in telling me but…I just, I can’t make peace with that.” 

“I get it. I do love you, though. You have to know that.”

“Yeah. But not like you love her.” She said and he sighed, “Babe, if you loved me like you love her then keeping your distance wouldn’t feel like a sacrifice to you. And clearly that’s how you see it. Even now, instead of checking on me you called your friend to check on her? I mean…” she let out a sardonic laugh.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to check on you, I just figured you wanted some space.” He explained.

“So you check on me and ask if I need space, H.” She argued and he swallowed thickly and nodded.

“You’re right.” He said.

“H, I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t even recognize myself.” She said with a frown, “Like I…I feel like I’m losing myself in trying to keep you and I’m not okay with that. I’m sorry.” She sniffled and he nodded.

“Don’t be sorry. I get it. It’s my fault.” He said with a sad smile.

“Yeah.” She whispered and bit down on her lip. "No hard feelings?" she asked and he shook his head.

"Of course not." he smiled.

If you enjoyed this feel free to check out some of my other fics...

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☀️JUNE LISTENS☀️

i still don’t have a brain! ah!!!! but i do have ears for listening! i actually listened to a lot of stuff that i ended up not liking as much, last month, but i still have plenty to rec.

Remnants — (ep1-2 early access) a dark fantasy mystery anthology. hard to describe without giving anything away. i love everything by Hanging Sloth (creator of SBR, NQD and Clockwork Bird), so i knew that i was very likely to enjoy this regardless of the premise… but my god, absolutely surreal vibes. the sound design is breathtaking! feeling very grateful to be a HS patron right now. keep an eye out for this one coming 15th july! subscribe now and don’t miss it.

Mockery Manor — (3 seasons, 37 eps + miniseries, between seasons) a murder mystery set at a theme park with a comedic twist. i didn’t think this was going to be my thing and i was so wrong. the protags are twin sisters with plenty of baggage between them. their shenanigans and banter keep the tone light even when the plot takes dark turns. looking forward to s4!

Limelight: The Specialist — (5 eps, complete) self-described as a “dark medical thriller” set in rural wales. Limelight series are generally good but satisfying endings are hit or miss; this one was VERY well-paced, with a satisfying payoff, and gave me hope for a series 2 in future. i loved the execution of the gruesome mystery and i loved the protagonist to pieces.

Close Your Eyes — (1 season, 9 eps, s2 in production) having recently listened to RQ’s Neon Inkwell: The Pit Below Paradise, which also centers around cult dynamics, i found this to be a very fun contrast. here we see how someone can be immersed and isolated by a cult, regardless of their personal skepticism or strength of will. the suspense was so delicious i had to listen to all nine episodes in a row. ends on an incredible cliffhanger — can’t WAIT for season 2.

The Silt Verses — (44 eps, finale soon) a grim religious fantasy dystopia. some of the most intricate and fascinating worldbuilding i’ve ever seen. huge cast. i know that everyone in the AD space has rec’d this pod a hundred times over, but i can’t stress enough how it’s one of my very favorite stories in the medium. the penultimate ep left off on an absolutely deranged note and i have no idea what’s coming! so exciting, if you’ve been waiting to check this one out — now might be the time!

Dice Shame — (2 seasons, 200+ eps, ongoing) classic dnd actual play ft. Harlan Guthrie of Malevolent fame, and his equally charismatic friends and family. i don’t listen to a lot of APs bc i have trouble focusing on such long episodes but i just love the chemistry of this party. slapping it on the rec list bc the current storyline has me hooked!!

Bridgewater — (1 season, 22 eps, ???) supernatural mystery, notably starring Misha Collins as the protagonist. this one has a lot of complicated family dynamics read: mommy AND daddy issues. the length of the series is just enough to let you spawn several of your own theories, which is fun, and i was really pleased that i was able to predict the true conflict and identify the antagonist. excellent use of foreshadowing etc, biggest props to Lauren Shippen of The Bright Sessions fame.

Consumed — (12 episodes) small town horror/mystery through the eyes of a stranded newcomer. this one did NOT go where i expected it to, because i started it before i listened to Bridgewater; they’re set in the same universe, so the same worldbuilding applies. i would honestly recommend listening to this one FIRST because if you do listen to the end of Bridgewater, it will kind of spoil the twist in Consumed.

The Penumbra Podcast — (5 seasons, 2 storylines, both ending this summer) still barreling toward the finish line for both Second Citadel and Juno Steel. as a patron, i was notified of early release for the SC finale this morning, which i know is gonna wreck me. just wanted to feature this because i don’t see it recced as often anymore and that’s a fucking crime. one of my top AD recs for sure.

Red Valley — (While You Were Hypersleeping 3) three ep miniseries featuring our main best boy, warren, who has been notably absent from most of this season! so nice to hear from him and to get a glimpse of what might be coming in the next part of the season.

Observable Radio — (11 eps, ongoing) my favorite recent sci-fi/horror anthology by far, tied up in a terrifically dreadful meta narrative. afaik this is a limited series but i’m really savoring each and every episode; the most recent, “Earworm”, was one of my favorites. very dark and dystopian. mind the content warnings!

The Network Defenders — (ep1) the debut of a new Planet Arcana miniseries, featuring some new voices and a fresh new tarot-based system (crowdfunding this year!) has all of the appeal of PA in terms of prod. quality, vibes and emotional depth, just new mechanics. 2nd ep is out now so i’m hopping right on that as i post this!

Waterlogged — (ep1) a new indie horror that i’ve been waiting to drop for a while now, and i really enjoyed the soft-spoken eerie vibe of the pilot. there’s a couple more things in the feed now so i’ll have to go catch up.

[queenvidal]

Welcome To The Sanctuary

Negan x Reader (Rick’s Daughter)

Chapter 3: Trust Is a Lesson

Chapter Summary: Rick's daughter won't be coming home, a decision Negan has to break to Alexandria.

Wordcount: 3775

Era: Season 7

- Part 5 of the The One And Only Series -

Chapter Index:

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 - COMING SOON!

Masterlist / Negan x Rick's Daughter Series

It's early in the morning. The Sanctuary is still asleep and the whole factory is peacefully quiet.

Slowly but surely do you make your way down the stairs, all the way down to the last level of the building. Even after a whole week of almost nonstop sleeping, you still feel drained and sometimes also lightheaded. After every managed staircase you need to take a second and catch your breath and fight the dizziness. It’s tiring but you’re determined. Today's your final examination with doctor Carson and you want to make a good impression. 

It was offered to you, that the doctor would come to Negan’s quarters, but you quickly declined. After a whole week of lying in the bed you were dying to get back up at your feet again.

You have to cover a yawn with your hand, it really is way too early.

“Come on, Sweet Thing,” Negan’s voice sounds from the floor below. “You almost made it.”  

Sill yawning, you move on to the next flight of stairs. You can’t help but to smile at the sight of Negan waiting for you, looking up at you with his big, hazel eyes and a faint smile of exhilaration on his lips. It’s almost adorable. 

He’s already in uniform, wearing his leather jacket, glove and scarf. He’ll head out to Alexandria after your appointment with the doctor and depending on today's results, you will either stay at the factory for another week or join him and go back home. 

Excitement is clear on Negan's features as he watches you ascending the stairs. He's more than happy to see you back on your feet again, but even better than that is seeing how much strength you need to do so. He was everything but subtle about how much he hoped you'd have to stay. Of course he'd let you go home either way, no matter the outcome of your appointment, but you agreed on staying if Carson would recommend that. Seeing you this tired just from walking stairs got his hopes up again. Although your recovery was and still is the number one property, he absolutely wouldn't mind to hear that you still need more appointments in the future.

When you’re just about at the end of the stairs, he reaches out his hand to help you down the last few steps. You look at him for a quick second, before taking his hand, letting him help you down. “Someone is in high spirits.” You tease him with a smile. Negan only chuckles in response. “One could assume you’re looking way more forward to the examination than I do.”

“So?” He asks. Once you’re off the last stair, he moves your hand to his lips, planting a soft kiss on your skin. “It will be good news either way, for me at least.”

You just shake your head, still smiling at him before moving on towards the clinic. Doctor Carson is already waiting for you outside, greeting the two of you before moving in. He goes straight to work, gathering his equipment, while you sit down on a cot, waiting. Negan is leaning against the wall, watching you and the Doc. He really doesn’t know the word privacy but he’d find out what's going on anyway and you don't mind having him at the appointment.

Before doctor Carson starts with his examination, he sets up an IV bag, so you can get your needed liquid and supplements in the meantime. Once everything is ready and connected to your arm, the doctor is taking your blood pressure.

“Still not good but better.” He whispers to himself before writing down your vitals. “How are you feeling?” He asks, “Still fighting with fatigue, still being tired?”

“Very.” You admit truthfully.

“Hm,” The doctor huffs, scribbling away in his notes. You look at Negan, who is wiggling his eyebrows at you. You just shake your head at him with a small grin.

“Alright, now to the stitches.” Carson says. You pull up your top, exposing the bandages. The doctor cuts them open and removes them before examining the stitches. With a pad drenched in alcohol he cleans the edges, you narrow your eyes slightly at the sting. Negan pushes himself from the wall, wanting to have a look himself. He comes to stand right next to you, checking out the healing injury. 

“The stitches are still looking good.” Doctor Carson affirms, filling in his report. 

“Well?” You ask, with a faint smile on your lips, wrapping new bandages around your middle, “What’s your recommendation, am I good to go?” 

“Well, Miss Grimes. That depends.” The doctor looks up from his clipboard. “Do you know how to pull the sutures out?”

“But-”, you interrupt Negan with a smile, one of your hands resting on his chest to calm him down. “I’d be way more comfortable if you did that, doctor Carson.” 

Negan’s looking at you quite expectantly. You know what answer he’d like to hear. You look back at Carson again. “I do-”

“Aw, come on!” The boss complains, looking at you with a disappointed frown. “Couldn’t you have said no-”

Carson shares a knowing glance with the both of you before stating, “In that case, I recommend more rest. You’re no longer bedridden but you should take it very easy still. Some strolls here and there but no physical labor. As soon as you feel dizzy or tired, you have to slow down again.

You nod your head at the doctor. “Napping when needed, got it.” 

“Alright”, the doctor starts, moving back to his desk again. “As far as I am concerned, you are good to leave, once the IV’s done. Negan, I’ve made you a list of all used up medications. We are not out yet, but due to Miss Grimes high demand for iron, I need more saline solutions.”

Negan nods at the doctor. “Pass the list to Arat, by now she should be waiting at the trucks outside.”

“Of course.” Carson says, before taking his leave. You quickly yell a ‘thank you, doctor’ after him, before he disappears into the hallway.

“Now.” Negan says, coming to stand right in front of you, both of his hands on either side of your waist. “You really wanna stay?” You only nod at him. “You know you can leave anytime you want, right? One word and I bring you home, safe and sound.”

“I’d love to stay a little while longer.” You’re beaming up at him.

Negan smiles down at you before moving closer, capturing your lips with his. The kiss is slow and tender, almost sweet. You can't help but melt into his touch. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Carl is walking the courtyard up and down, nervously waiting for his sister. His eyes move towards the hung up walkers around the fence every now and then, their constant gnarling is making him uncomfortable. He can’t wait to finally leave this place.

Saviors are already driving up their trucks, getting ready for the pickup. Several men and women gather around the vehicles. All seems ready, the only ones missing are their boss and his sister. 

“Good morning, folks!” Negan’s voice sounds over the courtyard. Carl quickly turns around, finding Negan exiting the factory. He is holding the door, waiting for Carl’s sister to step out before letting it fall shut again. 

Carl quickly gets moving. Once at his sister's side, he’s bombarding her with questions. “How are you feeling? Is everything alright, what did the doctor say? Are you hungry, I got a ration from their kitchen-”

“All good, Carl.” you chuckle softly as you interrupt him. “You need to breathe,” you joke before explaining the results of the doctor's last examination. “I have to take it slow and still take some supplements, but everythings gonna be fine.” 

Carl nods his head, listening to you attentively. “Sounds great. Dad ‘n Daryl will be relieved. And the others of course.”

Your brother told you what happened, when you passed out in the infirmary. No matter what he and Sasha did, the bleeding wouldn't stop. Your skin has gotten paler and paler by the minute. At this point everyone in the room was crying, afraid of losing you. Daryl eventually decided to cauterize the wound. His hands were shaking, when he pressed his heated blade against your skin. The smell was horrendous and Carl had to look away. 

After Daryl was done, everyone took a moment to breathe, thinking or more so hoping it helped, that the bleeding finally stopped. Although no more blood was seeping through, it was evident that it was already too late, as even the color of your lips disappeared. Daryl couldn’t handle the sight, after only a few moments he took off without a word and Saviors arrived just shortly after that. You don’t want to imagine the turmoil everyone had to go through. 

“We two driving with Negan?” Carl asks, but you shake your head.

“No,” you say, “you will, but I’ll stay here.”

Your brother crosses his arms in front of his chest. “I see, but… but Dad probably won't.”

Carl frowns at you. “But you’ve said the doctor gave his okay?”

You rest your hands on your hips, “Yeah, but I think I’ll stay for another week. I still need IV’s and quite honestly I am still not feeling too well. I’d be way more comfortable with an actual clinic and a doctor around.”

A tired sigh leaves your lips. “Yeah, I know. But then again, I think he’ll understand my reasoning. Speaking of Dad-” your hand disappears in the pocket of your sweatpants, retrieving a folded piece of paper. “I wrote a letter, can you please give it to him?”

Carl is about to take it, when Negan appears behind him. “Jump in, kid. We’re moving out.” The boy quickly takes the note, shoving it into the pocket of his jeans. 

He chuckles at you. “Alright.” His eyes fall on your lips, as he comes to rest one of his hands on the small of your back. You almost automatically cup his face, when he slowly leans down to you for a kiss. Again his lips move gently against yours. Warmth spreads through your abdomen, a pleasant fuzzy feeling. You have half a mind to deepen the kiss, when Negan moves away again, just enough to be able to look into your eyes. “Enjoy your stay, Sunshine.”

You look at your brother in bewilderment, but Carl quickly hugs you goodbye before moving to Negan’s car. The head of the Saviors waits for the boy to be gone before moving his attention back to you. “So, my dear. We’ll be gone for a few hours. If you want to, you can take a look around my factory in the meantime.”

You smile at him but shake your head softly. “Thanks for the offer but I think I'll go straight back to bed. The climb up to the fifth floor is probably gonna knock me out anyway.”

After another quick peck on your lips, Negan lets go completely. He moves towards his men, ready to leave. Warmth settles on your cheeks, it still feels strange to be affectionate in public, in front of his people. But what’s even stranger is the fact that no one is watching. Your eyes are wandering through the crowd. None of his people are acknowledging what just happened, no one is batting an eye. You nip on your lower lip subconsciously. People here don't mind? 

Negan and Carl finally hop into the car. You wave at them one final time before going back into the factory. On your way in, you still wonder about how little these people here seem to care about your thing with Negan, their leader no less. In The Sanctuary it’s just no big deal and such a stark contrast to Alexandria. 

A smile finds its way onto your face. Although it’s odd, you have to admit that you actually enjoy it. It’s relieving to be so free of judgment and quite honestly you can’t wait for Negan to come back again. There is still a light tingle on your skin from where his beard scratched you during the kiss. He’s so careful with you now, gentle. It’s so sweet. The thought is accompanied by a fluttering sensation in your belly, making the smile only grow wider.

You’re on your way to the stairwell, when doctor Carson calls your name. “Miss Grimes? Miss Grimes, I’m sorry to disturb you but I was wondering if you could give me your input on one of my patients. I was informed you’re a pharmacist.”

Quickly you bring your thoughts back, focusing on Carson. “Sure.” You move away from the stairs and towards the doctor. “How can I help you?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The convoy almost reached its destination. Carl’s looking out the window, seemingly enjoying the view, as the all too familiar suburb is passing by.

Negan looks at the boy for a second before asking, “Did your sister give you the letter?” 

Carl just keeps looking out of the window. Nonchalantly he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The head of the Saviors huffs a small laugh. “Sure, buddy. You really could not have been more suspicious even if you tried to.” After a tired sigh, Carl retrieves the letter from his pocket and holds it out for Negan to take. The man looks at him, confused. “The hell am I supposed to do with it?”

“What do you mean?” Carl asks, just as confused as him, “Don’t you wanna read it?”

“Nope.” Negan looks at the boy for a quick second before looking back at the road ahead of them. “She told me what's in there.” 

Carl’s frown only intensifies. “And… you believe her?”

“Yup.” Negan answers. “So far she’s never given me a reason to distrust or doubt her. This was your chance to prove me right, that you’re someone to trust and congrats, Carl. You failed.” 

The boy bites his cheeks nervously, looking out of the window again. He really can’t wait to get home. 

Negan’s just shaking his head slightly, disappointed. He was able read the letter over her shoulder when she was writing it, but Carl doesn’t need to know that and the point is that his Sunshine told him about it without him even having to ask for it. She’s always been upfront and honest. Carl on the other hand, he is the opposite.  

That boy still not trusting him it’s not just disappointing, given the fact that Negan safed his sister's life and allowed that little shit to stay not only in his Sanctuary but his own private quarters is downright insulting. That kid still has a lot to learn.

Finally Alexandria's walls come into view. Negan looks back at the boy, “Before we go in, I’ll fill you in on what's gonna happen.” The gate to Alexandria opens and the convoy drives inside. “I want you to go straight to your house and pack new clothes for your sister and come right back. No little chats, no lingering around, no nothing. You get back to the trucks and stay at the trucks, right where I can see you.”

Carl rolls his eye. With a clear hint of annoyance in his voice, he answers shortly. “Fine.”

Negan can’t stand the attitude but is too occupied to care at the moment. He has to concentrate on the pickup right now. Rick won't be pleased about his daughter's absence and Negan is not in the mood for a standoff.

As the car comes to a stop in the middle of the parking lot, Negan can already tell today's pickup is going to be different. Alexandria is full of life, people are already waiting for them. It’s totally unlike the last time. That's at least slightly easing Negan's mind.

Rick’s people are all swarming around the parking lot, waiting for his Sunshine no doubt. Once properly parked, Negan and Carl jump out of the car. The boy is about to get going, but Negan quickly orders him to stay and wait.

Rick can be seen making his way towards them. Distress and confusion are clear on his features as he realizes his daughter is not with them.

Negan greets the approaching man. “Morning, Rick.” 

“Where’s Y/N?” Rick promptly asks in a striked voice, getting right to the point. 

“Still in my clinic.” Negan states, displeased by Rick's tone.

Rick keeps on walking towards his son. Despite the order, Carl starts moving, meeting his father halfway. They hug each other. Rick looks down at his boy, asking, “Are you alright?” Carl lets go, nodding yes. Relieved, Rick’s looking back at Negan. “I want to talk to her.” 

Negan scoffs at that, “Look who’s making demands here. You got a lot of nerve for someone who was ready to fight with me, while she was slowly dying on that cot.”

Rick’s eyes quickly move to the ground in shame, before looking back at the other man. In hopes of smoothing things out, Carl fetches the letter out of his pocket. “She's alright and wanted me to hand you this.”

Hey, Dad.

Rick’s taking the piece of paper. While opening it, Negan orders Carl to get the stuff for his sister. Rick looks after his son for a moment before reading.

I’m fine and well cared for. 

The doctor is checking on me about three times a day and I’m on a IV drip every morning. My wound had to be reopened again, but the doctor did a great job. He installed a drainage, which had been already removed again and stitched me up. That’s going to be another addition to my ugly scar collection. 

Carl said, I’ve slept through most of it. I was knocked out for about three days and even now I still sleep for the majority of the day but it’s slowly getting better. The pain is tolerable, too. 

I miss you and the others. I’d hug you all, if I could. 

Please give Judith a night-night kiss for me

Love you,

Y/N

Tears welled up in Rick's eyes, as he eyes roamed over the writing. Negan rolls his eyes in annoyance, he can't lie he's feeling at least a little bit of sympathy for Rick’s current situation. Almost losing his Sunshine drove him crazy, he can’t imagine what it must have been like for her family. 

Deciding he’ll let Rick’s defiance behavior fly this time, he slowly comes to stand next to the man. “She’ll be back next week.” Negan’s unfamiliar calm voice makes Rick look up again. “She wanted to stay until the next pickup, because she doesn’t trust herself with removing the stitches ‘n stuff. I’ll bring her home once that’s done. Honest.”

Rick takes a long deep breath, trying to blink away the wetness in his eyes. Once he got himself composed again, he's looking back at Negan. “Thank you.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s late midday when you and doctor Carson are standing in The Sanctuary’s courtyard. The two of you are going over the Savior's latest delivery. A truck for one of their outposts is getting loaded. The doctor is checking the requested medications, asking for your opinion on several things. 

It’s so nice to speak to someone who knows about your field of work as well. Although medicine and pharmacy are not the same, they are still similar enough to lay a foundation for very interesting discussions. Carson really respects your knowledge and ideas, he is even up for suggestions regarding the treatments of his patients.

“Huh, in that case I’d recommend Clindamycin.” You look at the doctors chart. “Given she’s allergic to Penicillin and the clinic's stock, this might be the only opinion.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about that, too.” Carson agrees. “Thank you, Miss Grimes.”

You smile at the doctor. It’s such a good feeling being appreciated for the work you do. When you’re about to reply, a yawn forces its way out. Quickly you cover your mouth with your hand.

“Oh, I have to apologize.” The doctor almost gasps. “We were working so nicely, I completely forgot the time. You must be exhausted.”

“Honestly, I am.” You truthfully admit. “But It’s no big deal, I’ll go for a nap asap once we’re done.”

The doctor is about to admonish you for not telling him earlier, when the guard on the watchtower announces their bosses return. Saviors hurry to get the gates open in time for the trucks to enter. Negan's convoy is driving in, coming to a stop further into the courtyard.

A big smile finds its way on your face, as you watch the Saviors exit their vehicles. Your eyes search for their leader when you suddenly notice that no one else is waiting for him. 

An ugly feeling suddenly tightens your chest, forcing your smile to vanish. You find yourself wondering why none of his wifes are welcoming him back. Come to think of it, neither were they seeing him off in the morning. Not that you care to come in contact with any of them but their absence still strikes you as odd.

Subconsciously do you nip on your lower lip again, as you feel your chest getting even tighter. But the little voice in your head is forgotten, when you finally see the man you've been waiting for rounding the trucks. Once his eyes meet yours, they seem to light up. With big strides he's coming towards you with the signature smile of his.

“Hello there, Sweet Thing.” He greets you, resting his hands on your waist. “Been waitin’ for me?”

“Oh, don't flatter yourself,” you chuckle. “This was purely a coincidence.”

With an even brighter smile, Negan carefully pulls you closer to him. As he leans down, you sling your arms around his neck, meeting him halfway, kissing him.

Jolts deep in the pit of your belly spread fuzzy warmth through your whole body, loosening up the tight knot in your chest when you feel his warm frame against yours. His stubbles scrape over your skin and his smell surrounds you. He deepens the kiss, entwining his tongue with yours and you become wax in his hands. 

It feels just as tender and sweet like it had this morning. You smile into the kiss, completely reveling in the bliss.

Franky observes the scene with watchful eyes, taking a sip from her glass of whine as she's looking out of the window. Her nose wrinkles in disgust. Eventually she turns her head towards Sherry, who is reading on a lounger. “Guess that must be her.”

Masterlist / Negan x Rick's Daughter Series

Chapter Index:

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 - COMING SOON!

Taglist: @starry-night-20 / @joceymoo / @srhxpci / @ladykxxx08 / @sunneeflower / @frombloodandflesh / @aleeeesa /@lanamiller / @fanfic-n-tabulous / @noirfan12 / @abbiesxox / @elinafresk / @obsessiveformiyatwins / @kokushibosgirl / @syrma-sensei / @oceandolores / @raininhell / @esposadomd

[brawlingdiscontent]

CW: Mentions of death and suicide, spoilers for all of Interview with the Vampire season 2 

In season 2, episode 5, “Don’t be afraid, just start the tape,” a number of key questions circle around Daniel and Louis: Why did Louis pick Daniel to go home with him? Why did he ultimately save Daniel from Armand? This post unpacks these through a close reading of the episode and explores how they shed light on 2022 Louis’ character arc. (AKA, I decided to be a huge dork about this episode!)

Near the top of the episode, Daniel raises his “outstanding questions” about 1973 with Louis: “...like why you talked to me in the first place?” He doesn’t buy Louis’ unsatisfactory and avoidant answers, but Louis succeeds in dodging his questions with another – “What’s the next thing you remember?” 

In the flashback, we see Louis reject Daniel’s sexual proposition because, as 2022 Louis tells Daniel, “you offered something off the menu.” But what, exactly, is that?

Louis’ problem is his inability to examine or work through the massive amount of pain he carries, relying instead on various strategies of avoidance (which, for example, form the spine of his Paris life). The result is Louis’ dissociation and separation from himself. In 1973, the resulting internal pressure has culminated in a self-destructive spiral (128 boys) from which Louis desperately needs an outlet—which leads to what present-day Daniel describes as a “floundering” Louis, “eager to spill” “tape after tape of emotional upchuck”—burning with the need to vent the pain held inside and repressed for so long.

Later Louis tells Armand, “the ten hours I spent with that boy were more exciting, more fascinating than decades spent with you!” which Armand mishears as Louis saying that DANIEL is fascinating (and obsesses over this—more on Armand later). But what Louis actually says is the hours spent together were exciting and fascinating, in other words, the experience Daniel afforded, the interview. So what was this experience?

While the interview is valuable, not just any interview or interviewer would do the trick. Daniel is more than ”an eager black hole” absorbing others’ stories, and the experience is more to Louis than just having a listening ear.

The key, surprisingly, lies at the point where Louis snaps. Deep in reflection and depression, Louis tells Daniel that after Claudia set off on her planned Europe trip he thought about killing himself, staying in the park until the sun came up. And instead of empathizing Daniel gets mad: 

Daniel: “Are you kidding me? What, you were just gonna end it!? I mean, what about life? Like, joyrides and night swimming, and marriage, and cancer, and all of that till the death rattle? I mean we gotta carry all this shit and you had a ticket out and you were just gonna throw it away?..... you were given the gift, and I’ve been hearing you bitch the night about it.”

Upon Louis’ answering outrage, Daniel adds: “I mean, you don’t understand the meaning of your own story.”

While, to be clear, Daniel also doesn’t know the meaning of Louis’ story and his take on it is pretty bad (the meaning is ‘make Daniel a vampire??’) The provocation within these words and his call to life are very valuable. When Louis examines his existence he only finds meaning in pain, which makes him afraid to look closer and makes death seem the only viable escape. Daniel, even with all his struggles, affirms life through its challenges and prompts Louis to interrogate his own narratives about his story, which fixates on the burdens of vampiric existence. 

Meanwhile, in Louis’ immediate environment, the only thing Armand knows how to affirm is death, which we soon watch him try to coax Daniel into. (Not taking sides on Armand, here. I think both Armand lovers and haters can agree that whatever else he may be he is a Sad Little Muffin). Throughout season two Armand repeatedly discourages Louis from engaging with his pain. For one brief example, in 2.1 when Louis cries when discussing Claudia with Daniel, Armand calls for a break and tells Louis he's ‘lost control of the interview’. I think we can read multiple motivations into Armand’s actions: that he’s intervening both for Louis’ sake as he’s afraid that confronting the pain will kill him (as it almost did that night in 1973) AND that he doesn’t want his lies exposed— he’s a complex creature.

Figuratively, for Louis’ arc, Armand represents fiction and illusion. That’s what the theatre’s about, and his big-boss persona hiding a fragile gremlin, and even his ‘Rashid’ disguise. He generally prefers pleasing fantasies and fictionalized narratives—including wilfully ignoring the reason that Louis is with him in 2022 (the name, unspoken in their home for 23 years)—to painful truth. In this respect and others, he is the exact counter to Daniel (which makes them such a fascinating pair).

Where Armand is death, Daniel is life. Where Armand is illusion, Daniel is truth. By offering the opposite of Louis’ current environment, life and truth, and giving him permission/encouragement to address his pain, Daniel becomes a source of fascination that Armand can’t pin down. (And how could he figure out that it’s Daniel’s joy for life and zest for truth that’s the source of Louis’ fascination, when Armand, himself, has little of his own.)

However, Louis doesn’t understand the gift that Daniel offers him in the moment. Instead, injured by the provocation, he lashes out and attacks Daniel. It’s what happens later, in the fight with Armand, that cracks things open for him.

Louis and Armand’s fight is the emotional equivalent of them digging their fingers in each other’s open wounds. One of the last things that Armand says to Louis before the latter runs onto the roof is: “...[Claudia] didn’t love you, not like he did. Not like I have.” Louis says, “I know. I know! Yes. I know. Thank you for saying it. It’s all creeping back…” And then after some more raving and a, “She’s calling me”, now high off his mind from Daniel’s drug-laced blood, Louis runs onto the roof. 

Louis running out into the daylight is not so much a deliberate suicide attempt as it is an externalization of his pain, triggered by the memories. His burnt and charred body actualizes the pain that he always carries inside, like a festering wound, but is only now facing. 

While in this painful moment of (literal) exposure, Louis is living out the show’s tagline “memory is a monster” an alternate tagline could also be drawn from it – “the truth, even if painful, will set you free’—which Louis comes to recognize. His pained “thank you for saying it” to Armand after the latter's devastating remarks about Claudia is about Louis’ need to confront the pain. I’m not at all saying that Claudia didn’t love Louis (even Armand’s wording modifies this “not like he did. Not like I have”), but rather that Armand’s words, combined with Daniel’s assertion that Louis doesn’t know the meaning of his own story, draw attention to the fact that the narrative he’s been crafting for himself is one that both preserves his pain, and avoids engaging with or working through it. (Which will eventually lead to bigger discoveries like “I didn’t realize it was a gift”.)

Despite the horrific experience of being burned, as he lies in bed recovering Louis finds that the remembering is worth it, making him realize the value of Daniel’s questioning—and feel the need to return the gift by saving Daniel’s life, where only a few days before he would have drained him had Armand not intervened.

Daniel doesn’t need to live as a testament to Louis and Armand’s relationship—that’s just the bullshit Louis tells Armand to get him to go along with it. Daniel’s high off his mind, but his instincts have helped Louis to see that Louis’ own is one of the “stories that need telling,” and handed him the key he needs to move through his grief. My favourite little detail about this scene is the light hanging above Daniel’s head as Louis offers his pep talk. Daniel sheds light for Louis, so Louis, in exchange, offers him a different kind of metaphorical light: words for when things get tough. They offer each other mutual support (best bros!!)—in a way that Louis’ two hubbies have so far been unable to do. 

Unfortunately, when Armand wipes Louis’ memories of this encounter, the guiding light Daniel offered is gone, too—instead going on to become a central part of Louis' season two character arc once the memories are recovered. 

The question then emerges—if Daniel’s speech was so valuable and healing, why the memory wipes? 

There’s two options: Louis may have recognized the value of what Daniel offered but have still been unprepared to examine his pain, and so asked Armand to erase the memories. The other option is that, Armand, worried about another suicide attempt and Louis leaving him, took away that choice for him by erasing the memory. (What really strikes me here are the parallels between Armand and Lestat. Lestat kidnaps Claudia and threatens to kill her to prevent Louis from leaving him but also out of a desire to save Louis’ life, given his despair at Claudia’s absence. Armand arguably operates in the same way. Both do messed up things for somewhat pure as well as selfish reasons).

I think what actually happened could be somewhere in the middle of these two options—Armand manipulating/convincing Louis into erasing the memory, and a pained, still-healing Louis agreeing. And then of course, in typical Armand fashion, when the topic comes up, he dodges accountability with a, ‘But it was your idea, babe.’)

And yet, we see the effectiveness of Daniel’s intervention through the progress they make in the new interview session and once Louis recovers these memories in 2022—for example, we see Louis go from torturing Daniel for probing too far into Claudia, to facing deeply painful memories of her and acceding to Lestat’s version of the story of Claudia’s turning.

As a form of summary, we actually see this whole dynamic I’ve detailed play out in the beginning of the episode in Dubai (and that’s what’s so perfect about the writing!!)—when Daniel says ‘grab that’ and Louis asks about what he’s grabbing:

Louis (recorded): “Funny thing, trying to remember what occupied one’s time, when one was ignorant of the plotting around him.” Daniel: It’s a thing with syntax, I see it a lot. The impersonal pronoun ‘one’—one’s time, one didn’t—becomes the third person ‘him’. Stops being ‘I’ or ‘me’. Louis: And that indicates what? Daniel: You’re circling something, you’re getting close to something you want distance from. Language as a chicken exit on a roller coaster. Armand: Or it’s daytime and a vampire of Louis’ age is fighting the narcoleptic pull of the sun.

It’s the same ditty - Louis dissociates, Daniel identifies the pain point, and Armand tries to change the subject. 

What’s lovely, then, is how this little exchange is prologue to the past playing out yet again the present. And so it comes to pass a few episodes later that Daniel uses his skills as a “bright young reporter with a point of view” to once again shine a light for Louis, getting him to see past the pain, and exposing the truth (Daniel voice: He didn’t save you, Lestat did!)

In conclusion: Best bros 4 eva!!

Thanks for reading! Medal for you, if you got this far!

[zepskies]

Being Human – Part 2

Pairing: Alec McDowell x F. Reader

Summary: Your life made sense before Alec slipped his way in. He unravels your threads without even trying. He frustrates you as easily as he weasels back into your good graces. But you soon realize that this man is worth the challenge.

AN: Thank you for your lovely responses on Part 1!! I'm very excited to bring you the next chapter of Being Human.

Chapter Summary: You know that Alec is hiding something, and it’s more than the fact that he’s been dating another girl behind your back. [Set during 2.11]

Song Inspo: “Sailing” by Avant

Word Count: 6,200

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only. Angst, two-timing (don’t worry), mentions of Manticore’s training (torture), hurt/comfort, mega feels, smuttishness.

💜 Series Masterlist

Part 2: The Only Place

Alec showing up at your door unannounced isn’t anything new.

This time, however, he comes bearing a raw chicken in a plastic bag and a sack of potatoes. Your eyes go wide as you let him into your apartment.

“Where the hell did you find that,” you gesture at the chicken. In this economy, it might as well have been a five-pound lobster with a side of caviar.

Alec waggles his brows at you and flashes his familiar grin.

“Farmer’s market,” he says. “I fought some rich lady and her Pomeranian for this.”

You extend “gimme gimme” fingers at the bag as you lick your lips. You two are going to eat good tonight. You can even use the bones to make soup for the rest of the week.

Still, something niggles at the back of your mind.

“But this must’ve been so expensive. You didn’t have to do this,” you say, looking up from the bag of goods to your boyfriend’s face. He gives you an easy smile as his arm hooks around your waist.

“Don’t worry about it. I won a few pool game bets off Sketchy. Not to mention a couple of his paychecks,” Alec says.

His smirk makes you shake your head, but you wonder if he’s telling you the truth. He always seems to have cash to spare, despite the fact that he’s only been working at Jam Pony for a few months—barely making minimum wage.

Regardless, you start to prepare the chicken with what seasonings you have in your pantry while Alec peels the potatoes for you. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye.

Not for the first time, you wonder how he really lives. You’ve never been to his apartment before. Despite being friends with Max (there seems to be history there), he just got to Seattle a few months ago. And as for family, he claimed he had to leave home.

“It was what you’d call…an unstable environment,” he’d said. 

That, you could understand. Your own father had died when you were fairly young. After the Pulse, a virus had swept through and ravaged your hometown in rural Massachusetts.

Unfortunately, a shortage of antibiotics at the local hospitals left your mom without much help to fight off what ailed her body. You’d spread her ashes in the Charles River, where she used to love to paddleboat with you when you were a kid.

Then, you’d packed up what little you had and left the East Coast to make a life for yourself out here, alone. The city had been a challenge for you at first, being a smalltown girl at heart, but the hustle and bustle distracted you in a way you’d needed.

Now, Seattle has become your home, for better or worse. 

Alec knows all of this about you. He knows about your guilty pleasure of fried eggs, rice, and Vienna sausages: one of the ultimate struggle meals. He knows you love ice cream so much, you’d eat it for breakfast if you could.

He also knows you wanted to be a veterinarian, of all things, before the pulse. Now you have no hope or prayer of ever affording college, even if you tried.

But Alec…he still largely remains a mystery to you, no matter how deep he’s wedged himself under your skin.

“You’re really concentrating on that chicken,” Alec says, but his voice startles you, as it’s suddenly very close to your ear. You jump slightly as his arms wrap around your frame from behind.

You giggle a little, but you tilt your head to allow him access when his lips find your neck.

“Have I thanked you for this yet?” you ask. “I can’t remember the last time I had honest to God poultry…that also didn’thave a 50% chance of being radioactive.”

You feel the shape of Alec’s smile against your skin.

“No, as a matter of fact, but feel free to express your gratitude sexually,” he rejoins.

You have to laugh in earnest at that. You wash your hands in the sink before you turn in his arms and take his face gently in your hands. You bring him down to you for a sweeter kiss than he expected.

“Thank you,” you whisper against his lips. “It’s nice, having someone who thinks about me.”

His brows furrow a bit at that. He didn’t think bringing you an unexpected meal would be all that impressive, but…he also knows how long you’ve been alone.

For reasons he can’t tell you, it makes a twinge of guilt hit him behind the ribs.

All throughout dinner, and afterwards, Alec is hooked on the familiar soap opera playing on the TV in the living room. You both are sitting on the couch, but you’re half watching him, amused by his reactions. He’s absolutely glued to an episode you’ve already seen.

“You’re even more obsessed than I am,” you tease.

Alec spares you a wan look. “I just wanna know whose baby it is.”

A teasing smile forms across your face as you shift onto your knees and lean over to him, as if whispering a secret in his ear.

“And it’s actually twins,” you tease.

His expression of enrapture shifts with a wry edge. 

“Twins, huh?”

That seems to take him out of his enjoyment, somehow.

You frown a little. “You okay?”

“Always,” he responds, glancing at you. He visibly lightens up, pulling you into his lap with a muttered, Come ‘ere.

You giggle at his manhandling and oblige him with a few stolen kisses.

You feel bold enough to push him back to lie on the couch, and he actually lets you. His hands find your hips while you move to straddle his. Your fingertips drift down his chest as you consider him with a tilt of your head.

“Why haven’t I ever been to your place?” you ask. You draw an imaginary pattern across his chest, grazing him with your nails. His skin prickles under his clothes, but he stares up at you and shrugs without giving into your distraction.

“What, do you live above a strip club or something?” you add, smirking.

Alec’s expression matches yours as he squeezes your hips. “I like coming to you.”

Letting out a breath through your nose, you lean down and try plying him with slow, nipping kisses down his jawline, then his neck.

“Hmm, I still think you’re evading,” you say between kisses. “Tell me. Why haven’t you invited me back to your apartment?”

“Aren’t you getting demanding,” he teases back, even though his breath hitches when you nip a bit harder, just under his ear. Your deft hands run over his chest, toying with his senses. Already the scent of the soap you use has invaded his nose, like it always does. Jasmine.

“You knew this about me,” you say against his skin. He feels the movements of your lips like an added tease.

“Yeah,” he acknowledges. His smirk deepens. “Not gonna lie, I kinda like it.”

You smile. “So answer the question. Or do I have to punish you?”

Fuck, sweetheart, be my guest, Alec thinks. But he forces himself to focus on your words, reading between the lines of what you’re really fishing for.

“My place isn’t all that safe,” he says.

You snort. “Safe is relative in this city. Besides, I thought you said my apartment was questionable at best.”

“I said you needed better security.”

“You’re my security.”

Alec’s smirk returns at that. “Is that all I’m good for?”

“Better than a doorman,” you joke, leaning down to him again. “You deliver right to my door.”

“You think you’re so clever,” Alec says. Your lips find his in a kiss, and they lure him back into the pull of you. How easy it would be, just to let you “catch” him. Every night. Every day. 

Your arms cage his head as you finally lay down on top of him, slowly rolling your hips against his. Both of you feel his hardness twitch against your thigh. You smirk against his lips. 

“And right on time,” you quip. 

“All right, that’s enough outta you,” Alec says, and he claims you with a more demanding kiss. His fingers sink into your hair tightly.  

But you press your hand to his cheek, making him pause for a moment. The amusement fades from his eyes the longer he stares into yours. You’re not teasing or joking anymore. 

You lower down and kiss him with meaning. With tenderness. 

You don’t know how it makes that coil of guilt grip him like a vice.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me,” you mutter.

Your exasperation has reached an all-time high.

You’re really trying not to clock this bitch in the throat. When she grabs you by the hair, however, you have no choice.

Your punch lands squarely up the bridge of Marina’s nose with a crack that makes even Original Cindy wince.

You feel sick to your stomach.

Not just because your coworker and former friend Marina has stumbled to the floor, looking up at you with ire and a bloody nose. But because you just found out that you and Marina have somehow been dating the same man.

Alec had been standing off to the side with a semblance of concern behind his eyes (but mostly shock). You turn to him next, and he freezes. All the nearby Jam Pony employees watch the scene as you grasp Alec’s arm and warn him with only your eyes—it’s in his best interest to follow you to the lockers.

He acquiesces, even though his shifty eyes say he wants to bolt. Cindy’s shaking her head with a flat expression. Max is outright glaring at him. Sketchy is grinning, shoots him a thumbs up as the two of you pass by.

Alec heeds your unspoken demand, but he crosses his arms once you let go of him.

“Apparently, Marina claims you’re her boyfriend,” you accuse. You press two fingers into his chest. “Despite the fact that you’ve only been dating her for what, two weeks tops? A relief to me, since I thought we’d been dating for almost two months.”

Alec laughs nervously and rubs the back of his head. “Well, you know, we never did say that we were exclusive—”

“Did you sleep with her?” you ask.

He falters at the look on your face. So incredibly hurt, but still holding out a sliver of hope.

The longer he stays quiet, the more that too starts to dim.

You can’t help yourself. You slap him across the face.

Alec takes the hit, making it look like it actually hurt him in the way he snaps his face to the side. He’s more shocked than anything, though he knows he doesn’t have a right to be.

Your lower lip trembles, but you also gasp with a wince and hold your hand, because somehow his face felt like a slab of iron. Shit! Does he have a metal plate in his head or something?

Alec sighs. “You okay there?”

He reaches for your hand, but you back away from him.

“Don’t touch me. Never touch me again,” you say shakily, through tears.

You don’t want to admit that your heart is breaking. You fucking idiot. You should’ve known your instincts would be right about Alec McDowell.

You grab your clipboard and your forgotten backpack from the floor by your locker, and you walk away from him before your tears start to fall.

In the aftermath of the fight, Normal raises hell about the fact that Marina’s quitting. You can’t really give a shit, but you’re not about to follow suit. You’ve never, and will never let a man get between you and your money.

You take your deliveries for the morning and start on your route.

And if you have to park your bike in an alleyway to cry without the prying eyes of your coworkers, then that’s your right as a woman.

Alec hides it well, but inside, his chest aches the way his face should. He doesn’t altogether know or want to think about why.

So he worms his way into a delivery run with Max to distract himself (and to escape Jam Pony HQ). Max gives him hell, as expected, but he tries to ignore her and get this job over with so he can drink himself into a stupor at Crash tonight.

…Or try to. Getting drunk is a difficult feat with his genetics, not to mention a very expensive pastime.

Right now, he and Max are riding their bikes through the richey rich side of town, so at least it’s cleaner. Manicured hedges and tall gates surround every house here. It’s almost kind of familiar, though he’s too focused on following Max to care much.

“I mean, it’s not like I intended to date ‘em both at the same time,” he defends himself. “And then when it turned out I was dating them both at the same time, it’s not like I didn’t intend to tell both girls about the other one. …You know, eventually.”

It’s like the universe itself calls himself out on his lie when the front tire of his bike skids. He pulls to a sharp stop in front of an iron gate and falls over onto the asphalt, but his reflexes are quick, and he picks himself up with a forced spring in his step.

“But let’s be real for a moment, shall we?” he says. “I mean, suppose I did tell them. What would happen, huh? Same thing. Big fight. Lots of anger and resentment and recriminations, and then who wins? Nobody.”

Max continues to watch him with a deadpan frown. “Well, at least in this case, you won.”

“Exactly,” Alec smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. His expression falls anyway. “Well, no. Seeing as though neither of them will be likely to speak to me, which makes any kind of sex a virtual impossibility…at least for a couple of days.”

Max rolls her eyes. “Clearly both of them lost their damn minds to even give you the time of day.”

Alec has a witty retort on the tip of his tongue, but it’s waylaid by a memory that used to make him smile. It now just settles heavily in his chest.

Two Months Ago...

Just then, the bartender slides you a beer you’ve already ordered. You thank him and give Alec a smile.

“Got it covered, thanks,” you reply, sipping the froth off your drink.

Alec sighs and crosses his arms. “When are you gonna stop putting the freeze on me?”

“When I’m not part of your internal checklist of Breasts on Legs,” you answer.

Alec scoffs and holds his chest.

“That’s hurtful,” he claims. “It really is.”

But he shifts toward you in his seat, cutting off your smile. You tense up and blush at his proximity, making his grin deepen.

Damn, she smells good, he thinks.

“Besides,” he says, “I always save the best for last.”

He knows he’s making you nervous in a good way. He can sense it, though you eye him wryly. He means to go in for the kill, but he’s thwarted when Original Cindy slides into the seat on your other side. She tosses you a wink, the way women do when they have their own unspoken language.

You then smirk in Alec’s face.

“Keep trying. Maybe someday I’ll lose my mind,” you say, with a teasing raise of brows.

He’s still amused as he shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable. Insulting, yet, still somehow endearing.”

He means it. Every time you turn him down, he’s genuinely disappointed.

But if you ever change your mind, he’ll be right here waiting.

That memory falters as Alec stares up at the familiar mansion. He just doesn’t remember that he’s been here before—not until he rings the doorbell. That sound dislodges a fragment in his mind.

One that makes him hide from the surveillance cameras on instinct. It has him throwing the package over the gate and grabbing Max to guide her away from the house before they’ve been able to get a signature.

And a name rings through all the clutter. A name that was once seared into his mind is wrenched open like a badly sewn wound.

Rachel.

You don’t see Alec for a few days. Which is good, because you’ve been avoiding him. 

Until he finally shows up for work, and somehow, he looks off. He lacks the jovial, devil-may-care attitude he wears like a second skin. 

He glances at you down the line at your locker, catching your gaze.  

You still can’t bear it. You turn your head away, feeling like a coward. You hear his locker door slam loudly and he leaves without even getting his schedule from Normal. 

You rest your head against the cool metal of your locker.

“Where the hell’re you going, mister!” Normal calls after his former favorite employee.

Despite your better judgment, you sigh and push away from your locker to face your boss.

“He’s got a stomach bug. Real nasty,” you call out.

Normal’s frown deepens, but his expression softens from his hardened edge.

“Oh. Well…that’s all he needed to say,” he sniffs. He hands what would’ve been Alec’s load of packages onto Sketchy, who gives him a flat look.

“Go, get to work. Bip, bip!” Normal points a finger at him, then dismissively at the door.

Sketchy rolls his eyes, but he makes sure to send you a “thankful” look before he heads out. You give him a sardonic smile. Serves him right for taking Alec’s side in this whole messy situation, like the man children they both are.

Original Cindy comes to your side and lightly bumps your hip. She’s a strong support as always, and you give her a small smile.

“Come on, boo. I’m buyin’ your drinks at Crash tonight,” she says. You loop your arm through hers.

“Thank God for you, OC,” you breathe, though with a smile that feels a little more like yourself.

“Ladies night, it is,” she snaps playfully.  

And if that’s what tonight is, then you’re going to look good. No ratty jeans and boots meant for walking. After work, you dive into the depths of your closet and find an old favorite of yours: a black leather skirt and a lacey top, open-backed and a sweetheart neckline. You complete the look with a pair of heeled ankle boots and the only shade of red lipstick you own.

You just don’t count on Alec wanting a night out too.

He hangs out at Crash all the time. You can’t be surprised, you remind yourself, when you spot him at the bar. Except he doesn’t wear his usual suave confidence. No, he’s hunched over a glass of whiskey as he sits alone in front of the bartender. He doesn’t even notice you, Max, and Cindy as you guys claim your usual table in the back.

You can’t help it though. Your eyes keep drifting back to him.

Both Max and Cindy catch you, with something like sympathy on the latter’s face.

“I’ve never seen him like this before,” Cindy remarks. “Anguished, and all Heathcliff-like.”

She’s right, you think. He’s been like this for days.

Max seems to know him better than anyone. You turn to her in askance.

“This isn’t just because of…what happened, is it?” you say.

Max sighs and shakes her head. “No. I don’t think so.”

But she’s either unable, or unwilling to give you any more to go on.

…Goddamn it, you think, as you contemplate doing something stupid, like going over there to talk to him. You know you shouldn’t give him the time of day, but God help you, you still care about this asshole.

You heave a sigh. “I’ll be back in a few. And if not, I give you full permission to haul my ass out of this bar.”

“Don’t do it,” Cindy advises, with the tone of someone who knows you’re not going to listen.

You get up from the table and give your friends a placating hand. You roll your shoulders and force your feet to move—towards the bar.

The seat to Alec’s left is empty, and you take it. His gaze slides toward you, and he’s forced to do a double take. His familiar once-over has you almost smirking, but even that is missing something. It’s like something sucked the life right out of him.

He gives you a haphazard smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Thought you weren’t talking to me,” he says.

“How many of those are you going to drink?” you ask, gesturing at the third glass of whiskey in his hand. He glances down at it, then at nothing as his gaze travels away from you.

“Until I can’t feel the burn anymore,” he replies. Even his voice isn’t like him, dull and wry.

You hesitate, but you surprise even yourself by offering an olive branch.

“Look, if you want to talk about what happened…or anything else—” you try, but he cuts you off.

“I’m sorry,” he says, finally looking at you again. “I should’ve made it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything serious.”

Your heart plummets. Your mouth works past shock and fresh hurt. You fight the sting in your eyes as your mouth flattens.

“So, you and I were just casual,” you confirm. “None of it meant anything to you?”

He looks over at you and pins you there. There’s a glimmer of something behind the cool green of his eyes. Like maybe part of him wants to rebel and give you hope. 

He stays quiet. 

So with tears in your eyes, you close out your tab, and you leave the bar to go home. You can’t even bring yourself to look over at your friends. You’re too embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Alec focuses on the contents of his glass, even though he knows nothing will ever be enough to numb him. 

Now that Manticore’s psychological reprogramming has crumbled, now that he remembers what happened two years ago—and what he did—nothing will make his fractured, bloody insides feel like nothing ever again.

Max and Original Cindy see the entire scene play out from across the bar. Cindy shakes her head with a hum of disappointment that black women have perfected.

Max’s answer is to get up, with much the same reluctance as you had, albeit for different reasons.

“I know I’m gonna regret this,” she sighs.

“Take your time,” Cindy says. She already has her flirtatious eye on another woman by the pool table.

Max smiles in amusement and leaves her friend to her business. She goes to her fellow transgenic and slips into the same seat you occupied moments before. Alec barely looks up at her.

“Call me crazy but I get the feeling you’re in some kind of jam,” she says. “More than just about your messy ex situation, though that was a nice cold shoulder you gave her.”

“Okay, you’re crazy,” he replies, raising his glass back to his lips.

Max presses her luck, asking about the locket Alec has always kept. At Manticore, he’d kept it in his shoe. He’d pull it out at night and try to remember why it was important, but he never could. All he knew was that it made him feel better, and he’d go to sleep easier.

Max saw it on him days ago. And now they both know it had belonged to Rachel Barrister, daughter of Robert Barrister. The man Alec was once sent to kill.

He’d both failed and succeeded.

“Curiosity killed the cat, Max,” Alec says snidely. “Stay out of my business.”

“Fine,” she says, but part of her still worries about him. And she worries about you. “Look, I know we don’t always get along—”

“Nicely understated,” he cuts, and sets down his glass a bit too hard on the counter. The bottom of it fractures. “Barkeep!”

“But if you’re in some kind of trouble and you need my help, then you should ask now, and not when it’s too late and everything’s all messed up, like you usually do,” she says.

“Well, I appreciate the offer, Max. I really do,” he says dryly, “but you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“You know, I would, see, but…you wouldn’t understand,” Alec says. He points out that Max and the rest of her little X5 friends left Manticore (escaped) when they were kids. The truth is, she has no idea what he’s endured ever since.

Manticore cracked down on the next series of X5s like him, and every series afterwards—they all paid the price for what Manticore saw as the failure of Max’s unit. Lax training. Traitors. Deserters. 

Alec didn’t see it at the time, not completely. He now knows just how deeply fucked up he was.

And is.

There’s no fixing it, like there’s no use trying to fix a broken toy.

So Max eventually walks away from him, just like you did. Just like he should have done for Rachel.

He knows he hurt you, but he also thinks it’s working out better this way. Better that you walk away from him, before he gets you hurt even worse.

It happens in stages, the way Alec’s memory unlocks. 

It sorts through the psychological methods of torture and erasure Manticore used to try and scrape the Barrister assignment from his mind. Not only did it not work, but Manticore still won. No matter what he does, he can’t block out the pain or the rush of memories. He can’t not feel. 

It’s a frustrating state of being for a soldier. 

Alec’s laissez faire way of coasting through life after Manticore burned down was his version of stoicism, of surviving. 

But if this is living, then he doesn’t want it. 

That’s why he loses focus. He runs headlong into the trap his rational mind is warning him of—into that mansion, where Robert Barrister has led him with the torturous siren song of Rachel’s favorite piano sonata. The very same one he taught her, just two years ago.

Alec wants to rip the notes out of his head, but he still goes to the house.

Somehow, a fifty-five-year-old man gets the drop on Alec, a soldier. A transgenic. 

Barrister knows who and what he is. He’s been in the game long enough against Manticore to know who he used to sell his products to, but he can’t quite pull the trigger on that gun, even though Alec goads him on. Shouting at him to do it. End his misery. 

Rachel. 

Max saves his ass again. It’s a frankly embarrassing number she’s racked up on that count, as she stuns Barrister and knocks him out before he can deliver the kill shot directly into Alec’s temporal lobe. 

Alec doesn’t care. 

He doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care, until Robert tells him where she is, upstairs in her room. Alec travels down the familiar corridor, and he sees her again. 

Rachel. Oh God…

She’s wrapped up in wires because of him; in a coma, slowly dying for the past two years. She pulled her father from the car that was meant to explode and end his life. Rachel fell. 

Alec sinks down into a chair beside her bed. For a moment all he can do is stare at her pale face.

Because of him. His job. His mission, that he couldn’t complete, because he tried to save her. It was too late, she paid the price, and it was all because of him.

Because he couldn’t fight the training drilled deep into his mind. He couldn’t fight his captors, not hard enough.

She paid the price. 

Alec sits at her bedside for as long as he can. He slips her locket back into her cold hand. He holds her as close as he dares, and begs for forgiveness through near-silent tears. 

“I didn’t understand,” he whispers brokenly. “I didn’t understand…how much I loved you.”

Alec attends Rachel’s funeral, a few weeks later. He stands almost a quarter of a mile away, but he can still hear the service. He goes to her grave, and he accepts the caustic words from her father. 

“Never come back here,” Robert hisses. “I wanted to kill you. I hated you that much. But I’m still her father. I want her to be proud of me…and I don’t want to be like you.”

Alec silently accepts this. He knows what he is. Now, he knows what he’s done is unforgivable. 

He also knows it’s time to let her go. 

So he says a silent goodbye before he walks away from the grave and the cemetery. He intends to go home… 

He doesn’t quite make it there.

Alec is forced to walk through a torrent of rain. He barely feels it beating down on his head, back, and shoulders. 

Somehow, he ends up dripping wet at your apartment. His tall frame takes up your doorway when you open it to him. 

This feels familiar, you think, as you take him in. Once again, you’re dressed in just your pajamas of choice: a loose shirt over a pair of shorts. Your hair is tossed into a bun. 

You aren’t sure if it’s rain or tears dripping down his wet cheeks. His eyes are red enough to convince you of the latter. 

“What’re you—”

“I’m sorry,” he says. His voice is a hint unsteady.

Your mouth falls open the slightest bit, but eventually, you sigh.

“Alec,” is all you can say. Go away, are words you can’t force past your lips, even if you have every right to say them.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I uh…I don’t know why I’m here.”

“You don’t know?” you repeat, your eyes widening incredulously. 

He shakes his head, but he aims to leave. This was a mistake, he thinks.

You don’t know what to make of him right now. Hasn’t he hurt you enough?

He seems different though. He looks like he’s one step shy of falling apart, and you’ve never seen such rawness in his eyes.

Something inside you breaks, and you grab his wet hand before he can escape down the hall. You’re persistent in leading him inside your apartment, where it’s warm. You offer him some dry clothes he left behind last month.

After he gets changed, he sits on your couch with you. His silence is so confusing, you’re not sure what to do. 

“What’s wrong?” you ask.

“Me,” he says, chuckling humorlessly. “I’m what’s wrong. I uh…I should go.”

He gets to his feet, all twitching nervous energy, and again he tries to leave. You feel compelled to stand with him and follow him to the door.

“Wait,” you say, holding the door closed. Your hand lands on his arm, imploring with everything you have. “Alec, just tell me what the hell is going on. You’re scaring me.”

His eyes drag up your body, and slowly meet yours.

I didn’t understand…

Alec can’t help it; he raises a gentle hand to touch your cheek. You don’t deserve someone like him wrecking your life. He can’t be fixed, and he doesn’t want to break you too. 

You hold his hand to your face. “Alec. Talk to me, please.”

In your face, he finds concern and the threat of tears, and his heart continues to hemorrhage. 

There’s still room for you there. You’ve carved out a place in what’s left of it, without him realizing. He’s getting better at seeing the warning signs. 

You let out a shaky breath. “Just tell me the truth. Are you in trouble? Are you here because you have nowhere else to go, or—”

“Honestly, yeah,” he finally admits.

You deflate in response. What the hell?! 

Now you’re just about ready to push him out of your apartment and warn him that he better not come back. His grip on your arms stops you.

“This is the only place…” he continues, his jaw working. “Can’t seem to move my feet anywhere else.”

He means what he says, even if it’s not coming out right. After seeing Rachel’s prone body in her bed, coming back to face you is one of the hardest things he’s ever done. And yet, there's nowhere else he could go that felt right. He meets your eyes and notices the way you’re holding your breath.

“Uh, I kinda lied to you before,” he confesses. Your brows raise at that. 

“When?” you challenge.

He licks his dry lips. “At the bar. Last time we met.”

“So when you said,” you struggle to articulate it, because just the thought of it still hurts. “What you and I had…that it didn’t mean anything…”

His hands slide down from your arms, to hold your hands in his.

“I was an idiot. I didn’t know what it meant,” Alec says. “I do now.”

Your eyes flood with tears as you let go of a heavy breath. Alec releases your hands to hold your face with shaking hands. In turn, you hold his wrists steady. 

"You really hurt me, you know," you say. Your voice is a near whisper, but your words cut into him all the same.

"I know," he replies, as his thumbs caress your skin. "I'm sorry about that. About everything...which is why we probably shouldn't do this."

He really says that, even as his hands drift down to your neck, where he can feel your pulse beating and picking up speed. Alive.

“What?” you ask, with genuine confusion. You pull away from him a little, frowning up at him. "Then what are we doing right now? Either you want to be with me, or you don't, Alec."

His eyes meet yours.

You’re so real, so honest. Alec starts to think, to understand that this is what lured him in. It had him coming back to you every time you turned him down. It kept him coming back to you when you were his. 

She can still be yours, he thinks. It’s a selfish thought, but here he is.   

So he draws you in and kisses you deeply.

He doesn’t know how this can still feel right, even though his chest pulses with pain. But maybe, being with you is a different kind of pain. Maybe it’s not pain at all. 

You asked him for the truth though. He can’t give you everything, but he can give you one piece of the puzzle; perhaps the only one that matters. He parts from you, opening his eyes to find your face. Your eyes are still closed, and when you open them, you start to blush. 

It almost makes him smile, but his brain is still warring with his heart.

“I’ve only ever cared about one person in my life…and I lost her,” he says. “I’m not good at this.”

“How,” you ask, a bit hesitantly. “How did you lose her?”

His throat is tight. It’s all so fresh, he doesn’t even know how he gets out the words.

“She died,” he admits.

Your expression falls, and you shake your head.

“I’m sorry,” you reply, holding onto his shirt. “I’ve lost people too.”

He thumbs at your cheek. He sees your sympathy so clearly across your face, though he doesn’t know how you can still give that to him. It goes against everything he’s ever been taught, and everything he’s learned in order to survive. 

He can’t help but let you back in, just like you’re about to do for him.  

“It’s really this simple. If you want me to forgive you, if you really want to be here, with me, exclusively…then all you have to do is stay,” you say at last. Your lips press together for a moment. “But if you play me again, Alec, I swear to God—”

“No. No swearing’s necessary,” he says, and kisses you again. He’s surprised he’s able to smile, just a little, and he does so against your lips. 

You break from him to grip his shirt and glare up at him. “You understand me?”

Alec’s smile deepens a fraction. He brushes your hair away from your face. 

“Indeed, I do, Miss Ma’am.”

It takes you a beat, but you roll your eyes, despite a lingering blush.

“Ugh, don’t call me that.”

“Why not?” he starts to tease. “You seem to like giving out orders, I just thought you’d like a title change to go with it.”

You slap his chest half-heartedly. “Shut up.” 

“See? More demands,” he quips. “I don’t know if I can work in this environment—”

You pull him down for a kiss to shut him up indefinitely. 

And like it so often has, it leads into your room with the two of you falling haphazardly into your bed. He situates himself between your legs and traps you underneath him as he kisses a wet path up your neck. You arch against him and your hands dive under his shirt to help him wrench it off. 

It’s all very fast, and a bit frantic until he has you naked underneath him. 

His hand finds your cheek, touching softly, like he’s afraid to break you. There’s pain in his eyes that you’ve never seen before. Your brows furrow, though you caress a hand up the back his neck. He shudders when you unintentionally brush his barcode. 

“Alec, what happened?” you ask.

He shakes his head. He wishes he could tell you. He wants to tell you…everything. It scares him, because he also wants to run out of here, putting as much distance between himself and you as possible. 

But again, he’s selfish. This time, he understands why his heart is pulsing with both pain and longing when he stares into your eyes for too long.

“I can’t,” he says. “Not tonight… Can we just focus on the good part here?”

Despite yourself, you smile with a small huff. You take his face in your hands and bring him down to meet your searing kiss. 

The good part, indeed.

AN: And here's an angsty Part 2! lol Let me know what you think! 💜

You might want to buckle up for where we're going next...

Next Time:

He takes one corner of your towel and peels it off you slowly, until your body is bare for his gaze. His eyes take in every inch of you before they make it back to your face.

He smiles, taking down the messy bun from your head to have your hair fanning wildly across his pillows. Your hands move across his chest and further down, but he puts a stop to your exploration. He grasps your wrists and pins them down to the bed with a strength you can’t escape.

You raise your brows. “Alec?”

“Trust me,” he says, dipping down to kiss your neck. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

You suck in a breath. Far be it from you to argue with that.

“Is this one of those sexual favors?” you tease. He laughs against your skin.

“You’re about to find out.”

Keep Reading: Part 3

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[totallyjustabunchofhocuspocus]

So I know everyone is going all Sherlock about those BTS stills from the finale where a whole ass building is on fire, and prevailing theories are that it's Buck's apartment or the firehouse (I personally think it looks too warehousey for either location, but I also don't know anything about how sets work so there's that) and that it's a revenge plot on Bobby.

I kinda can't decide which location I would like more. Like...burning down the 118? Would absolutely gut Bobby, give us some amazing impetus for that relapse storyline they've never quite pulled the trigger on (not that I want Bobby to relapse, I just think Peter Krause is overdue a big, meaty storyline like that). Could also set up some great drama with the 118 having to be temporarily reassigned to all different firehouses going into season 8.

On the other hand...Buck has had a very pleasant and (for him) drama-free season (not belittling the impact of discovering your sexuality later in life, just compared to all the ways that storyline could have gone, it was SUPER smooth for him) and when has that ever happened? Bobby being sure Athena, May, or Harry were targets only.for it to be his surrogate son hits the Buck-Bobby-family feels juuuuuuuuust right, and hey, that also leaves some interesting openings for season 8: does he jump into moving in with Tommy too soon and create friction in that relationship? Does he go stay with Eddie and that's how the cheating and Divorce Era 2: Electric Boogaloo starts?

A secret third option that no one has thought of yet? I'm so excited.

[olivia091108]

How to be a jackass:part 1

Summary:meeting bam and Ryan in westchester

Word count:3306

So far filming for season two of jackass has probably been the best time I’ve ever had even though I’m getting injured or pranked every day.

All the guys are great and at first I thought it’s gonna be awkward not only being the new person but being the only girl.Thank god I was wrong for once I don’t think any of them actually cared as long as I actually did gnarly stunts.

The only people I haven’t met are the boys from westchester but Jeff says that we’re gonna film a group stunt with all of us soon.

I’ve done some mediocre stunts like pouting glitter in my eye which didn’t come out for a week and licking a mouse trap Owch. I also did one with wee man where he dressed as a baby and put in a pram and when people would ask to see ‘my baby’ they would be kinda disturbed.

Today I walk on to set and check the stunt list. Today I’m gonna get a pregnant belly strapped to me and walk around town drinking some beer.

——————————————————

Time skip

After getting a mean old lady shouting at me for ‘destroying my baby’ Jeff called all of us over and told us that at 5:30am to meet here because we’re driving to westchester tomorrow.Jeff actually banned us from going out after like we usually would do we finished for the day and I got the bus back to mine and my sisters apartment

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited but really 5:30 I’m sure there’s no harm in waking up later. I walk into the apartment and go to my room to pack since we will be staying there for 5 days.

I walk into my room and start packing stuff but I can’t find one of my favourite tops so I walk into Ella’s room to see if she’s taken it and I barge in without knocking to see her and Oliver mud sex scrambling to cover themselves with the sheet.

“Get out!”

“In a sec do you have my blue top the one with the buttons”

“Are you serio-“ I sigh and lean against the wall and she knows I won’t leave until she gives it to me. “It’s in my closet” I walk over and grab it off the hanger and scrunch it up in my hands

“Oh yeah by the way I’m gonna be gone for a few day”

“Leave!” She throws a pillow at me but I dick out the room before it can hit me

An hour later ella and Oliver knock on my door and wait for me to reply before walking in with very serious looks on both their faces.

Y/n we need to talk to you about something. You can’t just walk in without knocking we don’t have any privacy with you.

Alright I’ll knock next time

“It’s not just the knocking you always come home late and wreck the houses remember you broke olis computer at like 5:30 you never clean up after yourself and we just think that you should move back with mum and dad because we can’t keep living with you.”

“What your kicking me out I pay rent here”

“You don’t even pay a quarter y/n your’e basically living here for free.I rang dad he said it was fine you moving back soon”

“You know I can’t do that el”

“You could always get your’e own place I could help you have the money know”

“Fuck you. you know what I’ll leave right now.” I grab all my clothes in my wardrobe and try to shove it into my small suitcase and mange to mostly zip it and I grab a few personal thing and hold my piggy bank under my arm before leaving

It might’ve been a irrational idea because now I have nowhere to stay for the night and I can’t go to my parents not how I left there

It’s 1am I might as well go to set and wait till morning but with busses not running I have to walk 5 miles uptown.

Once I get there I only have to wait 2 and a half hours so I set my suitcase down and use it as a seat I dig around in my pocket for the taser I took from Johnny just in case.

I feel a hand grab me and by instinct Tase whoever it was. By the time my eyes have adjusted I realise I must’ve fallen asleep and everyone’s here to go to westchester.

While Jeff is complaining the taser Dave asks if I’ve been here all night. Nah I just thought I should get here early yknow only been here half hour.

We separate into 3 cars to get there and I’m in with Johnny Dave and wee man. I’m in the back with Dave and decide to use the 6 hour car drive as an opportunity for some sleep since I got 2 hours max last night.

—————————————————-

I wake up not being able to breathe and feeling plastic on my face I try and pry one of my friends hands off of me but it’s no use and I have to rip the plastic bag now being able to breathe properly

I hear Knoxville’s laugh and a Camrea is pointed in my face all that adrenaline woke me up quick but I’m still not wide awake and I just flip him off while sitting up and stretching being confined in a car really isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world.

“Cmon y/n we’re here grab your bags.” I take my almost bursting suitcase and walk it into the large house we will be staying at. I hear taking and follow it to the living room seeing Johnny talking to the two boys I recognise from episodes but still haven’t met.

Jeff introduces them the one with the dark hair and blue eyes is bam and the blonde one with a beard is called Ryan. We all introduce ourselves and start chatting and getting to know eatch other. Another girl is here called Jenn she’s bams girlfriend she seems nice but I haven’t spoken to her much

I excuse myself to the bathroom and i see a blonde lady in the kitchen and ask her if she needs a hand. If you don’t mind that would be great

“I’m April bams mum it’s so nice to have you all hear but I am a bit worried honestly”

“Im y/n thanks for letting us stay and I promise I will try to protect you and your house.”

Me and April talk about all kinds of things and I soon meet her husband Phil who is such a sweetheart and it makes me feel even worse for him seeing how bam treats him.

I’m sorry your supposed to be getting to know eatchother and I’ve stolen you away thanks for your help with the dinner.

“Oh it’s no worries you seem wayy more interesting than them boys.”

Speaking of Chris has snuck up behind me and lifted me up and body slammed me onto one of the sofas it wouldn’t of hurt that bad if people weren’t sitting on it.

I sit up and move off of whoever I fell on and jsut laugh it off and I start talking to Ryan about some of his stunts and his life and what not. While telling me about cky videos and high school with his friends bam started to join in adding to the story.

After an hour of talking to the two of them we got along really well and had quite a few things in common with them. We got called for dinner and while I was eating I could feel myself drifting off even though I slept in the car for 6 hours.

I ended up face planting into the food which made everyone laugh and while I used the bottom of my shirt to wipe it off the topic of rooms came up.

Some people were gonna have to share because there’s not enough rooms Steve o and pontius are sharing as well as Dave and ehren. Johnny is with me and wee man and Preston are together.

We all go to our rooms and get unpacked and settled. “Yknow we’re only here for 5 days don’t you”.

“Can’t a girl have options” i didn’t want to tell Johnny about getting kicked out I just wanted to have fun here. While I get changed into my pjamas I get into bed and shut my eyes trying to fall asleep but either from the excitement of tomorrow or because I napped today I couldn’t.

I looked at the clock and it was 12:34 Knoxville was asleep by now I could tell by his heavy breathing. I decided to go downstairs and have some water so I snuck out of my room and when I got downstairs I see Jenn down their about to leave

“How come you aren’t staying?”

“Bams just being a bit of a dick right now but I’ll see you in a couple days bye”

I sit in the kitchen having some water and once I’ve finished I still don’t feel like sleeping so I decide to look around. As best as you can in the dark. I quietly open the front door and step into the garden it had a skate ramp and a swimming pool in it. I went to go back inside but the door is locked I’m not gonna ring the doorbell or id wake everyone up.

I walk round the back and I see a window open so I jump from the ramp to the roof and pull myself up I walk along to reach the window but I see something move next to me. It’s a squirrel. Shit I’m fucking terrified of them they’re Satan reincarnated.

“Oh my god oh my god stop”I try to move as quick as I can to the window and quickly climb in to the room and close the window quietly while repeating those words.

“Jenn I told you to go away”bam room shit. I don’t answer and attempt to just get out of the room but I step on something and it slips out from under me and I fall onto the bed.

“Shit sorry.” Bam leans over and turns his bedside lamp on and rub his eyes. “What are you doing”

“I got locked out of the house then I had to climb threw your’e window to get away from the squirrel like I said sorry and night.”

“Are you on something” bam asks not believing me. I pull a confused face not knowing why he would be confused. “ why were you running from a squirrel?”

“Cos they’re fucking scary haven’t you seen Charlie and the chocolate factory?” At my distress yknow way he does. Laugh.I soon join in and we’re just sat they’re laughing together in His room.

Once the laughing stops he breaks the silence. “How did you even get up here?”bam asks thinking back on my story “I jumped off your ramp.you any good at skating”

“Yeah pretty good you?”

“Stepped foot on one once and fell onto someone’s bed. It seems pretty cool other than that though”

“I could teach you sometime.”

“I’ll hold you to that bam” me and bam speak about anything and everything with me now sitting above his covers on his bed and we switched the lamp off.

He tells me all about his family and when he asks about mine something in the room shifts it’s awkward.

Well I actually left home when I was 16 because me and my mum never got along she always preferred my sister i always hung out with my dad but I didn’t have many friends but these girls invited me to hangout with them and I snuck out an we went to some abandoned school and we would go there smoke some weed and whatever and once we were spray painting and the police turned up my friends ran and a policeman got me and I kicked him in the balls and they took me to jail and when my mum got that call she went crazy she said she was so disappointed in what I’ve become and that she won’t bail me out because she didn’t actually want me to come home. My dad eventually came in and took me home but I got there and my room was all boxed up and she kicked me out and said she didn’t want to see me again so I moved in with my sister.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t know”

“Yeah well how could you I don’t tell anybody so I’m could u try not to mention that”

“Pinky promise”we interlock pinkies and I kiss my hand and he copies.the conversation moves on and soon enough we’re shushing the other to stop Laughing until I notice the clock and see that it’s 2:12 and I can tell bams tired and I am as well.

“Wait y/n it was cool talking to you and if you need to talk I’m always here.” I grab a pillow an throw it at hand face. Don’t get all sappy now bam I thought you were supposed to be a cool skater boy.

I leave and head back to my room and wriggle into bed having to shove Johnny over a bit and for a second I lay there thinking about bam and how much I trusted him I wonder what tomorrow will be like before I know it I’m out like a light.

This one was acc really long

Omg guys I’m so pissed I wrote this like a week ago but I didn’t press save and I LOST RVEYTHUNG the first one was way better

Requests always open

-liv

[sakurapika]

Reviewing New Year Sale Outfits in Twisted Wonderland

In Japan, New Year's Day (お正月, or "Oshogatsu") is the biggest holiday of the year, and it is also my favorite. That being said, the TWST artists never disappoint when it comes to the art for this event, so let's review all of the cards!

Spoiler warning for upcoming ENG and JP sever event cards, including some Groovy art!

Round 1: 2021-2022

Kalim Al-Asim (SSR)

Look at him, he's so festive and cheerful

This Kalim, as well as Deuce's SR, have a special place in my heart. I started playing TWST the summer it came out, but I wasn't a "serious" player until around New Year. Kalim and Deuce were my first "duo magic" pair, and I love their interactions in the story as well.

I love his headband ribbon and how it matches his obi. The sparkly hakama also suits him. I'm excited to see Jamil's version of this outfit as well, but we all know it'll be a very long time until Jamil volunteers to work retail during the peak season.

12/10 he's so cute

Deuce Spade (SR)

I was surprised that this was just an SR, and that you could get him by finishing the event story. His outfit is so detailed!

I chose his Groovy art so you could see that he's wearing sneakers with his outfit, which I found funny. Cater is wearing similar shoes in his own SR, so it must be part of the Heartslabyul New Year attire. It still feels very in-character for Deuce.

The silhouette of his outfit is interesting. His jacket is short like a suit jacket, but has the sleeves of a haori. There are lots of elements of his dorm uniform, like the pins and sash around his waist.

Not only does he look awesome, but he chose to work during the New Year's Sale to buy a present for his mother.

12/10 very cool and wholesome

Round 2: 2022-2023

Ruggie Bucchi (SSR)

HIS HAIR!!!

Aside from Vargas Camp and his birthday cards, Ruggie doesn't have a lot of SSRs, so I'm happy for him. I look forward to getting him in the English server soon.

I love how Ruggie seems to have picked up a lot of merchandise from around the store. Aside from a fan, which all the boys are using as their "weapons" for battles, he has a little koi bag, which I love so much (I have a similar one). The little toy he's holding is called a den-den daiko (でんでん太鼓), which is popular for young children.

11/10 congrats on getting the job, Ruggie!

Cater Diamond (SR)

I chose to show his un-Groovy art, because it's easier to see his outfit.

His clothes are similar to Deuce's, except that his "vest" is red, and he is wearing a button-down shirt underneath. The mix of Japanese and Western influences reminds me of Taisho-era clothing. He looks like Kazushi Tatsuishi in the anime version of My Happy Marriage, which also happens to be set in the Taisho Era.

It's hard to see in this picture, but he has a hairpin in his hair!

10/10 he slays

Sebek Zigvolt (SSR)

He looks so dramatic with his gloves and fur collar, but are we surprised? He's a Diasomnia student, after all. I wish they had given him a different hat, though, because it looks almost identical to his dorm uniform.

This one makes me laugh, because he poses like my dad. Not seen in this image is Sebby's neon-green geta, which I think my dad would love (he likes having shoes in unusual colors).

10/10 who needs fireworks on New Year's Eve when you have Sebby?

Vil Schoenheit (SR)

He stole the show.

At first glance, his outfit may bear too heavy a resemblance to the regular Pomefiore uniforms, since they're already inspired by kimono.

With his fascinator hat, netted gloves, and black nail polish, though, Vil adds a sense of mystery and intrigue to his outfit. He looks like he is playing the role of a Taisho-era socialite who poisoned their lover and is now actively avoiding the police.

Either that, or he got divorced from Rook. After all, it looks like he is wearing a furisode (a type of kimono meant for single women) rather than a tomesode (worn by married women), like in his dorm uniform.

11/10. The storytelling potential is limitless.

Round 3: 2023-2024

Trey Clover (SSR)

I love his scarf and hat. His coat looks longer than Deuce's and Cater's, and more like a haori. Overall, it looks like a cozy combination.

Like Cater, he is also wearing a button-down shirt under his kimono, and his vest is green. Heartslabyul is the only dorm that gets a character in this event every year, so it's nice to see that the outfits are personalized for each character.

He looks like he could be someone's uncle, but you know for sure that he'd spoil his nieces and nephews.

10/10 very classy, if he was working at the store and I came to visit, I'd trust him.

Ortho Shroud (SR)

ADORABLE.

Something I've always found interesting about Ignihyde clothing is their use of sharp shapes and geometric patterns, especially in Ortho's case. I wonder how Idia's version of this outfit would look.

Ortho and Idia must've had so much fun creating this outfit together!

Infinity/10 if Ortho were trying to sell me anything, I'd buy it, regardless of whether I actually need it.

Rook Hunt (SSR)

He's wearing RED EYELINER!

His outfit is quite different from Vil's. While Vil is wearing a furisode, which is traditionally worn by women, Rook's outfit seems to have a more traditionally masculine silhouette (of course, this is just my interpretation). This probably means that Epel will get to wear an outfit similar to Rook's next time as well.

The peacock feathers on his red hat is also a nice touch.

His pose and expression remind me of Wen Kexing from the C-drama Word of Honor. They also have similar personalities.

10/10, he looks like he just stepped out of a period drama. I look forward to seeing the fanarts of him with Vil.

Jade Leech (SR)

Jade's card has to be my favorite from this year's lineup. I just love how they translated Octavinelle's suits into kimono, while keeping details such as the purple bow tie.

I'm obsessed with his haori--it looks fluffy. I'd like to buy five.

His pose is so...

Like Trey, he looks like someone's uncle (it must be the fedora). However, unlike Trey, he looks like someone's uncle who may or may not be part of the Yakuza. Instead of giving you money on New Year, you owe HIM.

He also looks like he goes door to door selling products, and is about to sell me what he guarantees is a genuine Toshiba toaster oven and absolutely not an overpriced knockoff that will short-circuit and cause my entire neighborhood to lose electricity.

11/10 I will buy that toaster oven anyway.

Which cards are you most excited for? Let me know!

[morri-draws]

Gwaine x Reader - 'The Threads That Bind Us' - Chapter 11

Story Summary:

You, a humble dressmaker from Camelot’s lower town, are commissioned to make a new gown for Queen Guinevere. Impressed by your skills, she offers you the position of Royal Clothier. During your time in the castle, you catch the eye of one of the knights of King Arthur’s inner circle, Sir Gwaine. What starts as a sweet courtship is turned upside down when misfortune strikes and you must deal with the aftermath, as well as an unwelcome visit from Gwaine’s unpleasant sister.

Rating: Mature

Tags: Female Reader/Gwaine, set between seasons 4 and 5, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort

Words: 2,963

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Read on Ao3

You’ve done as Gaius instructed, and returned to your regular duties, sewing the harvest outfits for the king and queen. You spent the remainder of yesterday working once you got back from your visit to Gwaine’s bedside. Now you’ve spent the entire day doing so, sighing and rubbing your strained eyes when you put your needle down at last.

You prepare a simple dinner and begin to eat at the table, your now otherwise unoccupied thoughts wholly on Sir Gwaine. You shove another spoonful into your mouth, almost choking when there’s a rapid knock at your door. You quickly swallow your food as you rush to the door and open it.

“He’s awake!” Merlin beams.

You gasp and, wasting no time, leave your chambers, your remaining dinner abandoned.

Merlin opens the door when you arrive at your destination, allowing you to enter first. You look to the bed, spotting Gwaine’s face gazing back at you from his reclined position. You make your way over to him, anxiety flaring as you realise that, as excited as you have been for Gwaine to recover, you are nervous to see him now, since the last time you spoke, it was not on pleasant terms.

You pull up a chair at his bedside and sit down.

“It’s good to see you awake at last,” You say, finding it difficult to hold his gaze for long.

“I needed my beauty sleep,” Gwaine smirks.

You smile, relieved that he is feeling well enough to jest.

“I was just telling Gwaine, before I fetched you, how you visited him while he was unconscious,” Merlin says from across the room with a mischievous smile.

Your cheeks warm. “Yes, well… I wanted to make sure you were getting better,”

“I’m feeling much better, now that you’re here,” Gwaine says softly.

You look away from his tender gaze. “Where’s Gaius?”

“He’s gone to inform Arthur,”

“I was informed before the king?” You ask in disbelief.

“Well, your chambers are closer, and besides,” Merlin says. “Arthur could stand to learn a little patience,”

The three of you chuckle, but Gwaine’s laugh turns into a groan as he clutches his side. Your hand automatically moves to touch Gwaine’s arm in concern. His eyes dart from your hand to your face and you blush, pulling the hand away. Gwaine opens his mouth to speak when the door suddenly swings open and the king enters, followed by Gaius.

“Gwaine,” He grins, crossing the room and extending a hand. Gwaine extends his own and they grasp arms as male friends often do. “I knew you were too tough to be bested by mere raiders,”

“We all know I’m the strongest knight, despite what Percival might think,” Gwaine grins.

The king laughs and claps his hands together. “Well, I just wanted to see for myself that you’re on the mend. I expect to see you back at training very soon,”

“I’m afraid I cannot allow that, sire,” Gaius interjects. “Sir Gwaine will need time to recover from his wound. Vigorous exercise is sure to reverse any healing that has occurred,”

“Very well,” The king starts for the door, but turns to point a finger at Gwaine. “But don’t even think about laying it on thick to avoid coming back training. I know what you’re like,”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Gwaine replies playfully.

Arthur smirks, before leaving, the door snapping shut behind him.

“That man has an unnatural obsession with physical punishment,” Gwaine says as soon as the king is out of sight.

You look to Merlin and you both grin, relieved and glad to have the jesting knight back with you.

“Can I return to my own chambers, Gaius?” Gwaine asks.

The physician looks up from his workbench where he’s tidying up. “I would prefer if you were to stay here a bit longer, Gwaine. You have only just become conscious again,”

Gwaine groans. “I long for the comfort of my own bed. Don’t you, Gaius?” He looks down meaningfully at the bed he’s lying in.

“My patients’ well-being comes first,” Gaius replies. “Besides, how do you suppose you will get from here to your chambers? You haven’t even managed to sit up yet,”

“These two will help me,” Gwaine gestures to you and Merlin.

Gaius sighs. “Very well. But,” His expression becomes stern. “Be very careful not to reopen your wound,”

“I will, Gaius,” Gwaine carefully props himself up, then looks between you and Merlin. “Let’s go,”

“Wait a moment,” Gaius retrieves a bundle of fabric from nearby and tosses it to Gwaine, who holds it up, revealing a shirt. “We can’t have you walking about the castle half-naked,”

Gwaine carefully slips the shirt over his head and eases his arms into the sleeves. “There we are,”

Merlin approaches the bed, putting an arm around Gwaine’s back and helping him to stand. You get up from your chair and put an arm around Gwaine from the other side, you and Merlin both taking some of the knight’s weight as he rests an arm on each of your shoulders.

“Take it slow,” Gaius instructs as the three of you head out the door.

You and Merlin guide Gwaine through the corridors of the castle, taking the stairs extra carefully. You try not to focus on the fact that this is the closest you’ve ever been to Gwaine, and the most physical contact you’ve ever had with each other. You notice out of the corner of your eye that the knight gives an occasional glance your way, but you stay focused on the path ahead to avoid the possibility of turning beet red from gazing at him from such a close proximity.

In over double the amount of time it would usually take to make the distance to Gwaine’s chambers, you finally arrive. Merlin opens the door and you both lead Gwaine to his bed and assist him to sit on the edge.

He sighs. “Much obliged to you both. Now, Merlin,” He gives his friend a meaningful look.

Merlin smiles and heads back to the door, gently closing it behind him as he leaves the room without a word. You’re struck with mild alarm from being thrust into this situation, just you and Gwaine alone.

Gwaine clears his throat. “So…”

Seeing no chair nearby, you take a deep breath and perch on the edge of the bed too, about three feet between you.

“I want to start by saying how sorry I am,” You begin. “My behaviour toward you was unforgivable. The thought that I hurt you makes my stomach turn,” You look down in shame.

“(Y/N), please don’t be so hard on yourself,” He replies. “I forgive you,”

You meet his gaze, which is absolutely sincere.

“You are not at fault here,” He continues “It was a misunderstanding, and you were led astray, which is why I want to talk things through now. I would like you to tell me what happened between when we spoke in your chambers about Sir Leon, and when we last spoke, at your chamber door,”

You wince at the memory of the terrible exchange of the latter.

“Are you sure we should do this now?” You ask. “It’s getting late, and surely you need rest,”

“I can rest later, once I’ve heard your account. Please…”

You sigh deeply, clasping your hands in your lap. “Alright, where to start? I suppose I should begin with when I returned to Camelot after my rescue from those bandits. I admit I… was afraid to see you. I felt so wretched and I was worried I would be terrible company. I thought I wouldn’t be able to laugh with you anymore and… that I was spoiled,”

You touch the side of your head where your hacked hair is hidden underneath the fabric cap. You glance up at Gwaine, sorrow and anger in his eyes.

“But you came by my chambers,” You continue. “And we had our talk about Sir Leon. I didn’t see you for three days after that, but I thought perhaps you were busy. On the fourth day, I went out to fetch some water, and I saw you walking with a woman, who was very elegant and pretty. I didn’t think much of it until later. On the way back to my chambers, I overheard your sister speaking to someone in the courtiers’ wing. They were gossiping about what happened to me. Erika said that you’d gone off me. She knew what had happened to my hair and said I was too ugly now for any man to want me. I rushed back to my chambers, upset, and thought of what she said, and how I hadn’t seen you in three days, but saw you with that woman, and I imagined that your sister was right. I couldn’t face seeing anyone, so I didn’t answer my door to any who came by. I only left my chambers to conduct fittings or go to the market, which is where I saw Erika again, I believe with the same friend as last time. She said that she’d seen you head to my chambers a few times, and she assumed that you… that you and I…”

“You don’t have to say it,” Gwaine says, clearly livid, but attempting to keep his voice steady.

You nod in thanks, before continuing. “She also said that back home, the townspeople hid their daughters from you. I ran into you in the courtyard, just after I’d heard all that, and I was so cold toward you, thinking of those terrible things Erika had said. I returned to my chambers and thought over everything, questioned everything. I thought of those bandits and the things they said, how they made me feel like I wasn’t a person, but just something to be used, and with all those things your sister said… I thought that you’d just wanted to use me too,”

Your voice wavers and tears well up in your eyes. Before you can say any more, Gwaine’s arms are around you and your face is buried in the crook of his neck. You stay like that for a few moments, taking comfort in his warm embrace as your tears soak through his shirt, before pulling away and wiping your eyes on the back of your hand.

“The next day we spoke at my chamber door,” You continue. “I need not repeat what was said, for I’m sure we both remember. I spent much time reflecting after you left, realising how foolish and cruel I had been. I was afraid you would never want to speak to me again. But Merlin visited me the next day, and with his encouragement, I planned to seek you out after your evening training. So, when the time came, I went to the knights’ quarters and no one was there, then I found out you’d all left on an urgent mission. Now… here we are,”

“Here we are,” Gwaine repeats with a sigh.

“Do you see how foolish I’ve been?”

“No,” Gwaine protests. “What I see, is that you’ve been in a delicate state since those terrible events with the bandits. I see that during your time of distress, my sister made things worse. You needed to be treated with gentleness, but she inflicted her venomous words upon you,”

“But she never spoke directly to me,” You interject. “I only ever overheard her talking to someone else,”

“Knowing Erika, I’d say she knew you were able to hear. At least in the second instance,” Gwaine shakes his head. “And with you already feeling low, you believed the things she said,”

“I should have known better,” You hang your head.

“You are not to blame,” Gwaine puts a hand on your shoulder, his gaze intense. “Not one bit, you hear?”

You hold his gaze, seeing nothing but earnestness, and you nod. Gwaine removes his hand and rests his elbows on his knees, fingers threaded together.

“I would like to tell my side of the story now,” He says. “Hopefully it’ll clear some things up,”

You shift your position on the bed, moving so your body is fully facing Gwaine.

“Those three days where I didn’t see you,” He begins. “The first, Arthur had us go on another patrol to check for bandits. He didn’t want to chance it that any more people would be taken and sold to slavers. By the time we returned we were all exhausted, so I didn’t come by to see you. The second day, since I had made up with Leon that night after we spoke, all us knights went to the tavern, glad the tension was behind us. We stayed there late, so by the time I got back to the castle, it was past any reasonable hour for a visit. The third day is where I made a mistake. I was planning to see you, and told the other knights such, but they wanted to go back to the tavern to try to make back the money they’d lost gambling the night before. I let them persuade me to go with them instead of seeing you. With things freshly mended between me and Leon, I didn’t want to chance causing any more friction, so I did as they wanted. I came by your chambers the next day, but received no answer. By the sounds of it, you’d already heard some of Erika’s foul words by then. I had supposed at the time that you must have been out, but perhaps not?”

You shake your head. “I heard the knock, but I didn’t want to see anyone,”

Gwaine nods in understanding. “In regards to that woman you saw me with. I’d hazard a guess and say she was a friend of Erika’s. I’d never met her before that day, and she was asking me odd questions, some about you. I only gave vague answers since the whole thing seemed suspicious,” He frowns. “Now, about the things my sister had to say about me: she has taken the smallest grain of truth and warped it into a terrible lie,” He sighs. “Remember when I told you how things changed after my father died?”

You nod.

“I didn’t go into everything,” He continues. “It was an unhappy time. My mother’s greatest wish was for me and Erika to marry well. Our reduced position upset my mother greatly, so she would constantly push us onto wealthy, unmarried sons and daughters of nobles, hoping a good match would come of it. I couldn’t stand it, to be permanently tied to someone just for the money… so I rebelled. I purposely botched any courtships my mother forced me into, and instead sought the company of the innkeep’s daughter,”

“Did you love her?” You ask.

“I thought I did at the time,” Gwaine grimaces. “But I think I realise now that what I actually loved was the sense of freedom I had when I was with her. Time with her was time away from nobles and my mother’s schemes. Anyway, Erika found out and told the innkeep, who was furious. He forbade me from so much as looking in his daughter’s direction. It was shortly after that I left town. I admit I was a terrible flirt during my time wandering, but… I was lonely. I was travelling alone, never staying in one place too long since I usually got into trouble wherever I went. I just wanted to feel some kind of connection… but it was only ever just dalliances or words thrown back and forth, with no sincerity or meaning behind them,”

Feeling reluctant to ask the question, you push yourself to do so anyway.

“Were you feeling lonely when you first spoke to me?”

Gwaine looks into your eyes. “No. Since being here, becoming a knight… I’m in a very different place now. I have a home, friends, duty. But that day we first spoke, I saw a damsel looking very lost, and felt it was my knightly duty to assist,” He grins.

You smile. “And taking me to the baker’s for fruit and custard buns – was that a knightly duty?”

Gwaine chuckles, wincing slightly and clutching his side. “No, that was me wanting to get to know you better. Just from speaking to you a little, I got some sort of sense about you,”

“Sense? Like a psychic sense?” You tease.

“No, nothing like that,” He scoffs. “I got a sense that you were very genuine… true to yourself. And you liked to jest and to laugh. What was it you said on our picnic?”

You shake your head, unsure as to what he is referring.

“That was it,” He smiles. “‘One should never underestimate laughter, and cherish those who make them smile,’”

A blush blooms in your cheeks as he gazes at you, his eyes brimming with warmth, and a sensation washes over you, of a massive weight being lifted from within.

“I’m so glad we’ve been able to talk things over at last,” You say.

Gwaine reaches out, taking your hand in his. “Me too,”

You look down at his hand enveloping yours, and stroke along his knuckles with your thumb.

“The hour is late,” You gently remove your hand from his and stand up.

“Don’t go yet,”

“Gaius will have my hide if he finds out I kept you from resting,”

Gwaine groans. “Will you visit again tomorrow?”

“I will,” You smile. “But I won’t come until around midday, so make sure you have a nice, long beauty sleep,”

“Why around midday?”

“I do have a job, you know,” You smirk.

“Of course. Well, I will be counting down to the hour,”

“The only thing you need to worry about counting is sheep,”

Gwaine chuckles. “Goodnight, (Y/N),”

“Goodnight, Gwaine,”

[vro0m]

Ok I have one. Explain to me a very basic, level 1 concept of F1. Like. The most simple way. Everyone should know this but I don't.

Hi Sae 💕 I set out to explain simply a very basic level 1 concept of F1 and ended up writing you an essay, I hope you don't mind. I can't help myself but infodump.

If you ask people what's most important in F1, chances are they'll tell you about the cars, the engines, the aerodynamics, the driver's talent but I'm here to argue that some of the most decisive and/or exciting moments the sport has given us to see were down to : relationships.

You always, always have to do better than your teammate (an unnecessarily long essay by vro0m)

I wanna preface this by saying I'm unfortunately missing a chunk of good examples because although I've been, as most of you know, watching Lewis' entire career from the start I've not yet seen 2016-2018 but it doesn't matter.

Introduction :

As you know, F1 is made of 10 teams, and each team has 2 drivers. It also awards 2 titles per season. One is the World Constructors' Championship, hereby referred to as WCC, that is won by a team, as per the points both of their drivers earned combined. The other one is the World Drivers' Championship, hereby referred to as WDC, which, as the name suggests, is awarded to the driver who's won the most points over the season.

This unique feature creates one of the most complicated networks of relationships in the world of sports, because each team wants the most points aka for both their drivers to do well VS. each driver wants to do better than his teammate. They have to work together to help the team, but they have to work against one another to help themselves.

It's a recipe for angst and drama, and god knows we love it.

It's also very much a key feature of the sport, and you can find examples of it influencing the way events unfold in all eras, although I will focus only on the years I have myself seen.

Teammates, rivalries, and egos :

Take the very famous Multi-21 drama. Mark Webber joins the young Red Bull Racing team in 2007. His teammate is David Coulthard, a veteran who's soon to retire. Webber was a midfield driver, who got his hands on a new, midfield team seat and must have thought he was set for life. Who knows, the team might even get better? But in 2009 the stars align and shine not on him but on young, golden-haired Sebastian Vettel, his new teammate, who ran into him once before in 2007 during his first season, after what Webber called him "a kid" and blamed his lack of experience.

Indeed Sebastian is a decade younger, brazen and moving through the ranks about as fast as the rocketship RBR has suddenly managed to put together. It's his third year in F1, against Webber's eighth, and he finishes 2nd in the WDC, not one, but two ranks ahead of him.

In 2010, they collide again during the Turkish GP, while Webber is in the lead and Vettel tries to overtake him, sparking controversy over the team's management of the drivers. Webber finished 3rd and Seb had to retire from the race. But it didn't matter in the end, because that year, he won his first WDC, and RBR won their first WCC. And then again in 2011. And then again in 2012. The blond kid turns out to be the golden goose.

And Webber is pissed. Because as a driver, when your team puts together a winning car, you don't have a good excuse for not winning the title anymore. All there is to it is that he's not as good as his teammate, and that's the worst thing a driver can be in F1. You always, always have to do better than your teammate. Even when your team is last. Why? Because you're in the same car. Your teammate is the gauge of your actual driving skills. If you end up behind another team's driver, you can always say his car was better. There's no hiding your shortcomings when it's your teammate. Even less so when the spotlights are shining on you.

So what does he do? Work his ass off? Train? Study the car better? No. He blames management. Right from 2010, as soon as he realised who he was up against, even though he was leading for most of the season, he claims RBR is giving Seb the preferential treatment.

Team principals :

See, that's the third angle of that love/hate triangle. Driver-driver-team principal.

If you're a team principal, your drivers are a constant headache because chances are they fucking hate each other. Might or might not be okay off track, but as soon as they sit their asses in the cars, they most probably hate each other. And the more your team wins, the more they hate each other! Backmarker teams usually have rather minimal internal drama because what are you fighting about? P19? But when you start winning... boy oh boy.

Because that's the whole point, right? You're more or less happy to be a team player when there's not much on the line for you (although as stated earlier, you still wanna finish ahead of your teammate). But when you're in a winning car??? That might be your only chance to win a WDC in your whole life. Better seize it. Better fucking win. Better run your teammate off the track as you do it because he now also has a winning car.

Back to the team principal. You don't care which one of your drivers finishes first, as long as your team finishes first. You know what doesn't help teams finish first? Drivers crashing into each other while racing for the win, like Webber and Vettel in 2010.

Enter team orders.

Team orders... or not :

Team orders are exactly what they sound like : the team is ordering their drivers to act a certain way, whether they like it or not, because the team is looking out for the team and the drivers are looking out for themselves. It's the team being a stern parent and getting a grip on its rowdy children. No more games. Now you sit down and obey. Now you're also looking out for the team. After all, we're paying you.

Team orders are controversial, because nowadays when a team is good, a team is usually dominating. Hence there's no real racing at the front, the dominating team's drivers finish first and second most of the time. So if you don't let them race, and they have no real competition, then there's really nothing to watch, and it gets boring. Team orders are also controversial because it doesn't give the other driver a chance.

That same year, Lewis Hamilton joins a then "best of the rest" team. Upper midfield, if you will. Lewis and his new teammate, Nico Rosberg, are childhood karting friends who are finally living their shared dream of being F1 teammates. And Mercedes takes a different path. A risky path. They decide that their drivers can race each other. They claim it pushes them to do better. Rivalries drive people, right? As much as your teammate is a gauge, he's a benchmark. You always, always have to do better than your teammate.

But you don't give a shit, you're a team principal. Doesn't matter in which order your cars arrive. As far as you're concerned, your cars are first, out of all the other teams' cars. So you give team orders. You protect your 1-2 finish. Better believe Horner was fucking pissed when his drivers crashed in 2010.

(Now, not always. Not all the teams. There was a time Mercedes let their drivers race for real, for real. We'll get to it.)

RBR tried it the stern parent way. It doesn't always work though. Malaysia 2013. Mark Webber is leading the race. Sebastian Vettel is second. They have about 10 seconds on the Mercedes, there's no threat on the horizon. "Multi-21," they are told. That's team orders for you guys are finishing in that order. That's stern parent for fall in line and bring home the 1-2. Webber is obedient, of course, he's in the lead. His goal aligns with the team's goal. But Seb is a brat, and his goal is not P2. The tensions have been piling up for several years now. While his elder relaxes in the lead, reassured by the team orders, Seb doubles down, attacks, and overtakes him for the lead. Fuck your team orders. Fuck Webber. Although he claims the relationship didn't impact his decision, Webber quits F1 at the end of the season.

The team is actually doing really well, finishing 2nd in the WCC. Lewis finishes 4th, Nico 6th. The challenge is set. And in 2014, new regulations, new cars, the racing gods smile down on Mercedes like they did RBR in 2010, and they get a fucking rocketship for the next eight years. We're in a dominating situation, mostly. They had some competition, but most of the fighting was, in the end, infighting. It's the brocedes era. The most brilliant example of the complexities of F1 team relationships.

At first, it's exhilarating, racing each other at the front. But it's like Icarus and the sun, you cannot lose sight of the goal. Because you can't win and have a friend. From using engine modes they weren't supposed to use to try to beat each other, to controversial pole positions that might or might not have been won by cheating, Lewis ends up calling an end to their friendship only a third of the way through their second season together. And then, it's Mercedes' version of the 2010 RBR drama : Nico collides with Lewis, costing the team the 1-2. Turns out all the F1 roads lead to drama.

Lewis wins in 2014. Mercedes wins in 2014. Lewis wins in 2015. Mercedes wins in 2015. Nico wins in 2016. Mercedes wins in 2016. But Nico is so frayed by the rivalry, he quits. Just like Webber.

Now what? Mercedes tried it the other way and they got the same results RBR did. Many wins, and one driver short.

Toto Wolff hires Valtteri Bottas. And Bottas is the final example of F1 relationships because he's the sacrificial lamb on the altar of Lewis' career. It's the last concept we'll talk about today : first and second drivers.

First and second drivers :

See the last, and arguably most common, solution to the thorny team VS. teammate problem is to have, more or less explicitly, but mostly less, a first and a second driver. Which means, as a team principal, your order of priorities goes team > driver 1 > driver 2. It simplifies things for you because you don't have to juggle your drivers, favouring one over the other and then the other over the one, to keep them both happy and obedient and not crashing into each other, like Mercedes had to at some point to try to tame the intra-team war the Lewis-Nico situation quickly evolved into. They thought they had a spark, they ended up with a forest fire.

But does it, really, simplify things? No. Because you always, always have to do better than your teammate. No driver is in it for the team. They're all in it for themselves. They put up with the team because they have to. If the team doesn't support them, well... Why would they support the team? And that's why they end up ignoring team orders. See, although Webber did it (as long as he was in the lead, anyway) most drivers will not ever admit to being a second driver. Think Perez pretending RBR supports his fight for the title. Why? Well my friend, because you always, always have to do better than your teammate. They will never admit that the whole team decided that their teammate is the one they should back, at their own cost.

And that's just another source of resentment, right? They hate the team for not backing them up, and they hate their teammate because he's better. On top of it, they can't vent openly about it because it would be admitting that they're the second choice. So amp up team radio drama and internal problems shushed behind closed doors.

Now that's not what Valtteri did, actually, surprisingly. Valtteri thought he had a chance, but he didn't. First of all because Lewis is practically untouchable as I mentioned in another essay, but also because his seat was built on the ashes of Nico's. There was no way they were letting the situation get that out of hand again. Enough with the permissive parenting. Turns out Mercedes is not the fun dad after all.

Valtteri is good. But Lewis is great. Valtteri doesn't have the kind of record sheet Lewis does. Choosing a first and a second driver is not so much a thought-through decision than common sense. Mercedes' management most probably didn't sit down at a table and write it down. It just... was. Valtteri never got close to winning the title. And I know I've said it before but it's truly a wonder he didn't start hating Lewis for it. For being the second driver. Oh it did damage, don't get me wrong, but most drivers externalise such things rather than internalise them like he did. But eventually you can only sacrifice yourself for so long. Again, none of them are in it for the team. Valtteri was a perfect second driver, he obeyed, he didn't create drama, and he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion trying to catch up to Lewis to beat him the right way. Some people might argue he's not selfish enough for F1. I'll argue at least he's a decent human being. It might even have worked with a different teammate, but it was Lewis.

So he left. Now he's not stepping on podiums anymore but he is better than his teammate. And you always, always have to do better than your teammate.

[badgrammerlieshere]

Someday

because I couldn't come to terms with what had happened to them and needed to get this out of me as fast as possible.

This is set 5 years after the end of season 3.....

The brush strokes against the horse's body were soothing, it was something she had always found almost meditative. Brush Brush Brush. The process was almost a symphony at this point. Brush Brush Brush. Sara hadn't been working at Hans stable for very long. Only for the last 2 years, after school and her own graduation had passed she found herself stuck. Nothing to do, no prospects. She wasn't dumb by any means she was just lost. Simon was off coasting the world with Willhim spending their summer somewhere warm based on the postcards she had received from Italy. Felice was preparing for the next stage in her life. A prestigious culinary school in America, and that left her home alone. Luckily an advertisement had been called to her in the morning paper and since then she hasn't looked back.

“Sara, could you come back to the office for a moment?” a voice called to her from the back of the stables. The voice belonged to Hans. The owner, her boss, and at the moment one of her closest friends. Hans was a kind man, old and short. He loved horses as much as she did, something that was apparent from the start. Usually, a level-headed person the franticness with which he was moving things in his office felt more than offputting.

“Ah, Sara” Hans outstretched his hands in a beckoning motion reaching for her shoulders.”I've good news very good news. One might say the best.” His eyes held more excitement than she had ever seen before 

“Which is?” she asked 

“We have quite the guest coming today, I need you to make sure every horse is looking their best, no mistakes.” Hans quickly let go of her shoulders with a pat. His body was a dancer walking around the room putting away any messes and papers that were out of place.

“A guest?” she questioned the farm often had guests. Mostly rich folk looking to buy, or new money trying to flaunt their wealth with the buying of a horse. All in her opinion were idiots. A guest of this caliber however must have been someone big. Never had she seen Hans get so worked up.

“Yes, yes, now hurry it up They are here soon enough” Hans shooed her out of his office handing her a small broom before she left. After a few hours had passed she heard it. With the sudden approach of cars, looking out a small window she saw two very expensive vehicles. The usual rich types. From the door stepped a woman who looked like a heaven on a platter. Long legs flawless skin. She oozed radiance. From the other side of the car stepped a man. Curly dark hair. Striking blue eyes that haunted her memory from time to time. Her posture was tenser than anyone she had ever known. August had just stepped out of the car.

“I see you've noticed our guests. Can you believe it, the king has come to look for a horse at my shop” Hans came to her side also trying to look through the window. She tried plastering on her most believable smile, attempting to hide the panic that coursed through her veins.

“How about you go and get the Annbell out, she's the calmest one.”

“Of course”

The process of getting the horse out was walled from her mind. Too busy thinking about what would happen if he saw her. It had been 5 years. A long time, and yet not quite long enough for her. She walked into the barn the backs of the couple faced her as Hans expressed his gratitude at their arrival

“Ah here we are, this is one of our finest mares.” Hans reached for the reigns that were in her hands which easily were taken away as august looked at her for the first time. From her standpoint, it looked as though the air had been sucked from his body. The woman standing next to him reached forward towards the horse.

“Oh, she's just beautiful! How perfect!” Her manicured hands clasped together giddy to be near the animal. “Oh August isn't she lovely” The woman was now reaching for the reigns that were in Hans's hand. Looking back toward August for confirmation, but he hadn't stopped looking at her.

“Yes, she's perfect.” His gaze was unwavering.

“How about we get you saddled up?” Hans smiled at the young woman, and she had to admit her eagerness was endearing in a way. Like that of a child. Walking away from the groups found herself a spot against the wall. There was no point in standing there unless she was needed. Why put herself through the burning of his eyes when she could avoid them?

She leaned against the wall watching them as August watched her. A game of looking that was becoming more annoying by the second. Before he began to walk towards her. The staring she could handle but the thought of a conversation made her palms start to sweat.

“Hello” His voice was deeper than she remembered, smoother in the way his mouth formed his vowels. She kept her eyes on the ground. Realizing he wouldn't be getting a repose he moved towards her spot and let his body rest against the wall next to her 

He had the same smell. That was the first thing she noticed. That rich encompassing smell that often lingered on her clothes after she left. The only difference was that it was stronger now. Wasnt diluted by the water she often caught him filling into the bottle. He didn't need to resort to that now. He was going to be king. A king could buy as many lavish collages as he wanted, there was no fear of the money going dry. With him standing so close it felt as though she couldn't breathe. The last time they had spoken. Actually spoken to one another, she was sure she'd broken his heart. That memory flickered through her mind sometimes. His dejected eyes. Once so happy to look at her were red with tears. The way he had tried to reach for her when he first saw her. So eager to have her close even if it was just for a moment. She never wanted to make anyone feel that way again. She could feel his gaze on her head. Willing her to look at him. She stared straight ahead. Afraid that if she looked up that memory would no longer be a flicker but a burning picture in her mind.

“She's pretty.” The words had fallen out of her mouth before she could stop them. They were true, however. The woman who had accompanied him was beautiful. She had walked in with such elegance it wasn't hard to see why Augst had chosen her. He was always attracted to the richer things in life. Her elegance was however nowhere to be found as she attempted to month the horse. 

“I suppose.” August's reply was dry, it was obvious he would rather talk about anything else than his companion.

“Where did you meet?” Her speech felt slowed like she was trying to make sure this was really happening.

“Nowhere. This is our third outing, the cameras will be here in a moment. Take some pictures, then take some more. It's very logistical.” His tone had reached its typical professional level it often sounded like on the TV and only then did she look up. He had abandoned looking at her face and it gave her a moment to take his in. Still skinny, eyes now seemed to hold more weight under them. A few wrinkles here and there that showed the years that had passed between them. He took a deep breath before looking down at her. His eyes creased in a small smile. 

“You look well, I hope you are” His eyes seemed to jump everywhere on her face trying to take everything in all at once. She looked the same, she was certain of that, but the way he looked at her made her think she was someone different. Someone worthy of a second look.

“She doesn't see me. Not the way you do.” His words registered slowly in her head. She could feel the warmth of his shoulder more than ever, along with the slow inching of his pinky finger towards her hand. God she wished he would stop looking at her like that.

“Sara!” Hans's voice broke through the moment. “Come over here, help Mrs Andersson get to a trot” As she walked towards the horse she couldn't help a look back. August had resumed his tense position and had now plastered an almost cartoonish smile onto his face. From the corner of her eye, she saw a flash. The cameras had arrived. Logistical he had said and he wasn't kidding this moment felt as clinical as that word. 

It continued like that for an hour she would walk the horse in circles, the people taking photos and moving others, as they saw fit. August and the girl together, August and the girl separate, leaning on the wall, with the horse. It never ended. Until suddenly they were done. Cameras were packed, people went to their cars, and Sara was given the reigns to take the horse back into its stall. Taking one last look behind her as August led the young woman he was with out of the barn towards the cars. He was done here too. Gotten his photos, and now he had bigger things to do. She almost couldn't believe she had seen him. August Horn of Årnäs, well not of Årnäs anymore but still. It didn't quite feel real.

Brush Brush Brush back to the regular meditative motions away from thoughts of him. Brush Brush Brush. Away from thinking of them. 

“It never passed.” 

Her hand stopped its path mid-motion.

“Excuse me” She turned and there he was. Standing in that ridiculous suit that cost more than the shoes she had on her feet.

“You said it would, and it didn't. Which honestly was a greater pain in itself. I wanted to forget everything about you.”

Augu-” She had moved towards him trying to push him back through the door

“No, please Sara. Please let me say this because I don't think I'll ever get another chance.” He reached his hands toward her. Sliding his hands around her waist, gently squeezing as if making sure she wasn't a figment of his imagination.

“You were right when you said I didn't see you, but I've spent every day trying. I've looked back on who we were a million times. I spent so long trying to achieve the crown it was all I could see, but when I had it….it didn't feel the same as having you look at me and actually know who I was.” His hand enveloped the side of her face, tracing the freckles that had appeared from time in the sun willing them into his memory. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against her own. Brushing the tip of his nose against hers.

“I'm not asking you to say anything back, I just needed you to know.” Sara felt August's body unwind as he finished his sentence, the tension that covered his arms vanished as he wrapped himself around her. They stood like this for a moment and with a sharp inhale he was gone from her body again. The warmth he had wrapped her in vanished, and he passed her one last look before she left the room. She stood there for a while longer trying to memorize the places his hands had touched. How rough they had felt against her face.

Hans entered the room as she stood motionless.”Nice folks.” His words made her snap out of her stupor. 

“Oh yeah… definitely..” The brushing resumed again. Forget him her mind screamed.

“The man left this and said it was for you. A friend of yours?” Hans had flashed a small business card at her, a number engraved on the back.

She could feel the smile beginning to form on her face. August would never let her forget him. It wasn't his nature

“Maybe one day.”