#benefits of walking 45 minutes a day

[ghostaholics]

I had a dream about your enemies with benefits ghost x reader where the reader had a cryptic pregnancy. She kinda just doubled over in pain randomly and BOOM. Baby.

HE'S A LETHAL PERFECTIONIST TO THE CORE: rigid expectations impressed upon everyone; it's what makes him a first-rate soldier – grit factor and an appetite for excellence in everything he does.

(The thing is, Ghost doesn't make mistakes.

Of course, there's a first time for everything.)

It's chaos walking in Bangladesh, guerrilla warfare against an AQ cell weaseled away in Dhaka because the shiteheads have business with the organized crime bosses here. It's a city jam-packed with civilians, innocent lives. No open-fire allowed. A place like this means guerrilla warfare. Hit-and-run tactics. God knows he's not trying to start an international incident by blowing up half the bloody capital.

Cloak-and-dagger: they're picked off one-by-one. It takes a full day. A mess to be cleaned up, and he does it exceptionally well.

Ghost doesn't get any reports outside of the mission until he relays his total kill count.

"Good work," Laswell radios in. "We need you on the first flight to Oslo."

He lets out a slow exhale while jumping into the driver's seat of the vehicle he commandeered a couple blocks over. Time to make his way to the airport, then. They need his back-up. He knows what that means. But he's not going to think about the fact that the rest of the One-Four-One are there for a completely different ops and whether things have gone south if they're calling him in. He was supposed to be their fallback plan. "Everything solid?"

"It's Mav."

His grip around the steering wheel tightens. If he starts speeding through the streets, then he doesn't notice, too tuned in to the conversation at hand. "Fill me in."

"Landed herself in the hospital."

Again? Christ. It's the second visit in six months. He was there for the first one. Damn near had to stop the bloody doctors from calling out her time of death. Fuckin' tossers.

"What's the damage?"

"Well—"

"Alive?"

"Yes," she says quickly.

"Then quit beating around the bush. The hell's wrong with her?"

"All in one piece. Just get here when you can."

Right, so no helpful answers from the Station Chief. And Ghost tries to contact the others, but gets the same fucking silence. Not Price, not Gaz, not even Soap who always answers just to take every opportunity over the comms to blather about anything and everything in real time. He's not sure why he's being kept in the dark like this, but it's definitely putting him on edge.

The only other message he receives from Laswell: Oslo University Hospital. He'd combed the website for information in between stoplights. It'll do, he supposes. Their services don't seem subpar, which at any rate sounds far better than fucking Moscow; he still gets sick thinking about it.

So he checks in, gets his visitor badge. It's a whole ordeal that takes a lot longer than he likes. They tell him what floor, what room. That's the Gyneacology and Obstetrics Wing. He triple-checks, making sure nothing gets lots in translation; doesn't sound right to him, but he'll tear up the place later if they gave him the wrong directions. He memorized the hospital layout already; it'll take him approximately three minutes utilizing the right staircase, or seven minutes if he wants to take his sweet-fucking-time with the elevators.

"Our gift shop is around the corner," they tell him in a thick Norwegian accent before he makes his exit.

Odd.

She doesn't like flowers or cards or sentimental things anyways. Calls them impractical. Would rather hoard his jackets or other belongings of his that she finds useful, so the gift shop would be a waste.

When Ghost finally gets to where he needs to be, 2 minutes and 45 seconds later (skipped every other step just to shave off time), he finds everyone sans Mav waiting outside the room. It's not a happy reunion, despite Soap's grin. Everyone's intact, nobody's dead or anything that would excuse their silence during his trip from Bangladesh. Ghost is extremely unimpressed with their lack of communication and promises that he'll deal with their sorry arses later before shoving his way through the door.

—only to be met with the sight of her sitting up in bed, a tiny newborn bundled in her arms.

... whose fucking baby is that?

And when his eyes snap up to hers, she's glaring at him with a positively seething look that could kill.

[exoticabl4]

How to actually stick to your habits ?

Hello, my loves. This post will be, as you've read it in the title, about how to stay committed to your habits. So without further ado, let's start.

1. Don't start off too strong.

You've got to know that your brain always wants your safety and your comfort. Your old habits provided you with both of these, even if they were unhealthy, and even if the pleasure was very short and temporary. Therefore, it is very normal that your brain will keep dwelling in your old habits and routines. So never start off too strong, otherwise it'll be very hard for you to stay committed. What I recommend doing, is to identify 8 habits that will highly benefit you, and get you closer to your goals. Instead of adding those 8 habits to your day all at once since day one, you're going to add 2 habits a week. Focus on progress, rather than perfection. At the end of your first month, you'll find yourself with 8 new habits. Give yourself the time to get used to each habit, so about a week or more (depending on how hard the habit is).

And before you come to me, I know that the average duration to implement a habit in your life is 21 days, but the goal here is not to be used to it at a 100%, the goal is to lessen the unfamiliarity, so that the brain can stop dwelling in the old habits.

2. Focus on the end-goal.

Sometimes, we tend to focus on how hard the task/habit is, rather than the end-goal that will result from the consistency of the habit. Therefore, try to remind yourself of the end-goal. My experience with this has been IMMACULATE. To focus on the end-goal, I make Pinterest boards. Personally, studying and reviewing for exams is something that I absolutely dread, so in order to get myself to enjoy it or make it more bearable, i made a Pinterest board with the lifestyle i wanna have in my early 20s. So it contains pics of my dream uni, the country i wanna be living in, the life i wanna be leading. Whenever i feel too lazy or demotivated to study or review stuff, i go back to my Pinterest board to remind myself of my end-goal. And when I tell you that each time i do this, i get the best grade of my class, and when i really put my mind into it, i get the best grade of my whole promotion.

3. Realize how simple your task is with this technique.

Many times, we don't see the habit for what it is, but rather for some kind of absolutely dreadful and unbearable task that's impossible to achieve. So what I do to simplify it, is that i write down in my notes what my most productive day would look like, and compared to the tasks that I set to myself, i start to view that as some really simple stuff. To give you an idea of how it works, I'll do what i do best : give an example.

I wanna learn Spanish, last year i was very consistent with it, but the last few months, I really procrastinated and got lazier, like, even spending my daily 15 minutes of Duolingo seemed like a torture, so i decided to use this technique. I wrote down what my ideal spanish learning session was, and it kind of looked like this :

45 minutes of Duolingo

Learning 3 new pages of vocabulary from my notebook

Using each newly learned word in a sentence

Do a conjugation lesson/ learn the conjugation of an irregular verb

Listen to a short story in Spanish, and write down new and unfamiliar vocabulary

Next to this routine, 15 minutes on Duolingo looked very simple and easy, even too little, and now it is wayy easier for me to stick to habits.

4. Always have an alternative.

You got me there, we all have our bad days, low-energy days, and it is very hard, if not impossible, to get anything done on these days. That's why you should give each of your habits an alternative. Let's say you wanted to workout an hour a day, but you came back home absolutely exhausted. Instead of the intense 1 hour workout, have a less intense and easier alternative for it, or maybe a shorter one, or you could go for a walk instead, after all, the end goal is to move your body, you do you, you know what works best for you.

That was all for today's post, hope it helped. Bye, my loves 💗

[harry-styles-obsessed]

One night stand… gone wrong| 2

Tw’s: pregnancy, birth- ect ect- if any of these topics are sensitive to you please read at your own discretion <3

Also please excuse the terrible time skips- enjoy(:

Recap: You spent the rest of the day talking to him, coming up with plans- ideas, simply trying to figure it out with him and now you were laying in bed his arms wrapped around you, you didn���t think it was romantic… simply in a comforting way. But either way you didn’t mind. He was bringing comfort to you either way. The tv played quietly in the background your eyes fluttering shut tiredly his breathing soft and quiet in your ears almost acting as a lullaby to send you into a peaceful sleep after all the panic and stress you had felt. “You can go to sleep” he comforted gently “I’m not going anywhere… ‘m here to stay.” He murmured softly his own voice laced with tiredness and slight sleepiness his head lightly resting on your shoulder his eyes fluttered shut as you relaxed back into him “mm…” you hummed out happily just glad he was there to stay. As the more you relaxed the more you started thinking “think I wanna keep it” you murmured and he let out a tired hum “alright… keep on thinking until you know what you want to do okay” he murmured quietly and you nodded your head relaxing back into him as you closed your eyes sleepily “if you do choose to keep it… just know you’re gonna be a great mum.” He whispered into your ear and just like the first time you had met him butterflies gently cascaded around your stomach a little smile remaining on your lips as you slowly dozed off to sleep… maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all?

————————————————————————

Harry spent the next few days and weeks and even months with you, being right there to support you he didn’t dare leave your side- even if he had concerts to do or interviews he either opted to do them by FaceTime or if he had a concert he simply couldn’t postpone he either brought you along with him or just performed it after you convincing him you’d be fine. He had grown rather protective over you so much so you were now confused what your relationship status was with him- friends? Partners? Friends with benefits? You weren’t entirely sure but you didn’t really mind as he was clearly protective over you and just wanted you to be okay. Your stomach had been growing constantly the baby bump soon showing to the point you weren’t able to hide it anymore but you didn’t mind. Your parents were supportive and so were your friends. Harry was the sweetest and most supportive and you couldn’t help but fall more and more in love with him, he came to every scan and every single check up with you no matter what was happening he came with you and as he promised was there to support you throughout it all and some of it was scary terrifying even, and you knew if he wasn’t there and you were alone then you wouldn’t have a clue what to do… he made you feel safe. Very safe. And you were forever grateful.

“I’ll be fine Harry” your voice was tired as you weakly dropped your head to rest against the toilet seat, you had been puking up whatever contents your stomach held for a good 45 minutes now, the morning sickness was exhausting. “Yeah sure. Don’t give me that. Let me take care of you.” He said as he slowly walked into the bathroom a bottle of water held in one hand and a large plastic bowl held in his other hand before he placed them down his large hands immediately working to pull your hair back away from your face as he held your hair up in a pony tail, a hair tie on his wrist as he gently tied your hair into a loose messy bun before he crouched down beside you his hand slowly rubbing up and down your back in a soothing manner “feel like shit” you grumbled out and he nodded slowly not wanting to say anything wrong like ‘I know I know’ as he in fact did not know… for one he wasn’t a woman and he most definitely couldn’t get pregnant and experience morning sickness so he simply remained silent his hand continuing to gently rub up and down your back slowly and gently. “What do you want?” He asked softly and you furrowed your brows “what?” You asked confused “boy or girl” he said and you let out a soft laugh “sorry, just trying to make conversation” he murmured with a little smile even if he didn’t like to admit it he was scared, nervous even… he was a top tier celebrity who was constantly in the eye of fans and paparazzi…. He wanted to keep you and the baby out of their way… he didn’t care- he wasn’t letting those pigs get money off of photos of you or his child. Photos of him were fine but he had become protective over you extremely protective to the point he was willing to smash a camera if needs be. Paparazzi tested his limits constantly and usually he was pretty good at not being affected but if you were brought into it then he would freak. He wouldn’t let them take pictures of you. Nor would he let them hurt you. “I think I want a little boy… don’t mind though.” You spoke snapping Harry out of it and he smiled pressing a kiss to your forehead “I don’t mind either way… but if I’d have to choose I’d want a little girl… bet she’d look just like you.” He spoke sweetly and you smiled but that smile quickly was turned upside down as you dry heaved into the toilet “ugh I hate this.” You shined out as he continued to gently rub up and down your back slowly and gently “you’re doing so well. So well.”

-

A few weeks had passed by and now was your baby shower, you didn’t want a massive one only you and Harry and a few friends as well as your parents. You had your mum make cupcakes and one of the cupcakes had coloured fondant in it. “Okay dad you go first” you said excitedly as you smiled, Harry’s hand lightly resting on your knee as you was happy too. He was excited. He couldn’t wait to see what gender the baby was. Your dad quickly showed that there was no fondant in it a few groans echoing around as you laughed softly, your friends did the same but they didn’t have it either and by the end of it the two cupcakes left were yours and Harry’s “let’s do it together” he suggested and you nodded excitedly as you held onto his hand before you both at the exact same time bit into the cupcake “oh my god!!” Harry’s voice was excited and you were quick to follow his excitement as your mum had sneakily had two cupcakes filled with fondant for both you and Harry specifically “we’re having a little boy!!” You exclaimed your arms quickly wrapping around the man as he held onto you tightly a wide smile on his face as he held you in his embrace before he pressed a little kiss to the top of your head “a little boy…” he said with a warm smile the excitement you both shared with one another being totally indescribable. You were nervous before but now you were beyond excited you couldn’t wait to meet your little boy.

-

Weeks turned into months and before you knew it your due date was only a few days away, you and Harry had gotten closer. He was starting to go out more to achieve his concerts and such but he was always only a call away always making sure you were okay after every concert he did. You were sat on the couch, Harry sitting beside you arm loosely wrapped around your shoulders- it was early in the morning and he didn’t have to be at work until 3 ish so you had all day with him practically. You held the first scans and most recent scans of your baby boy in your hands a wide smile on your face Harry’s chin gently resting on your shoulder as he looked at the scans too “he’s going to be so handsome… gonna have the best mum ever.” He murmured to you as he pressed a light kiss to your cheek and you smiled softly, he had been very kiss-y with you yet you both hadn’t been able to establish proper feelings yet. “Going to have the best dad too.” You said slowly turning to look at him forgetting just how close you were with him your breath gently fanning over his lips as he gazed into your eyes his lips mere inches away from yours his eyes searching yours and yours searched his right back you didn’t think you would ever fall in love with someone like this… not ever… but maybe the baby was a blessing in disguise?

And on that last thought you gently leaned in pressing a kiss to his lips your hand caressing against his cheek and he was quick to caress his hand against the nape of your neck pulling you closer to him, deepening the kiss that slight bit more- he kissed you so deeply and so passionately as if he was kissing you for the first time all over again, the first time was beautiful- slightly sloppy and needy but right now it wasn’t that, right now it was perfect… gentle… slow… full of no need or want- simply full of love. You slowly pulled back looking into his eyes “too soon?” You asked worriedly but he instead of saying anything simply pulled you back in again his lips pressing against yours as he wrapped his arms around you kissing you deeply and passionately as you and him had a slight make out session and you both knew you both needed that… needed it because it was simply brewing, it had been brewing for a long time the tension being strong “not too soon, no…” he murmured assuringly as he smiled into your eyes “just on time” he said softly before he kissed you again, you both kissing until you were both left breathless over and over again.

That evening was nice, Harry left for work and you were just resting on the couch watching Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. You weren’t really paying attention to it your attention mainly on your phone as you scrolled through social media eyes slightly tired and after a while you stood up off of the couch attempting to walk to the kitchen but before you could even make an attempt a wetness quickly began dripping down your legs, as if you had peed yourself but you hadn’t. You were confused and slightly horrified to say the least a slight pool of liquid forming just below you but that’s when it hit you… Shit it didn’t take long for you to put the puzzle pieces together and you were quick to ring Harry your hand resting on your belly, this wasn’t good- this couldn’t be good. Your waters had broke! Fuck. His phone went to voicemail over and over again before finally someone answered “hello,” it was a males voice but it wasn’t Harry “h-h-hi… get Harry please…” you practically begged “I’m sorry who is this?” The voice questioned “I’m Harry’s friend! Y/n! Please!” You spoke desperately hearing a sudden sharp intake of breath before the sound of screaming fans were heard- Harry was performing… of course your waters broke whilst he was performing. Typical! Your breathing was heavy as you squeezed your eyes shut holding your tummy, you felt weak and dizzy and terrified you didn’t know what the hell to do.

The stage manager continued to try and get Harry’s attention but he was dancing and talking to the fans, the stage manager however was quick to radio over to the people who controlled the music the music fairly quickly shutting off as Harry looked around confused his eyes soon landing on the stage manager who was quite honestly freaking out, Harry’s phone in hand as Harry put two and two together “one second everyone I’ll be back” he spoke into the microphone trying to not alert anyone to something being wrong before he ran off stage quickly taking the phone from him as he put it up to his ear “y/n?” He asked taking his ear piece out of his ear as he stuck his finger into his ear blocking out the screaming fans so he could hear you better “h-harry my waters broke… I-I need help” and at your words and quivering voice his heart dropped, the rest of his band quickly leaving the stage too to see what was the matter “I’m going to be home soon, Mitch I need you to get onto the phone with 999- call an ambulance right away.” Harry shot demands at his friends, telling them exactly what to do as he immediately went into protective mode.

-

You tried to remain calm as you gripped onto your tummy breathing heavy “I’m nearly home.” Harry said, he had stayed on the line with you the entire time and after a few more minutes the sound of car keys jingling were heard before the front door was pushed open “c’mere we’re going to the hospital what do you need?” He asked calmly and you let out a shaky breath “I-I don’t know…” you whimpered out and Harry knew you needed him to help and so he did, easily and quickly packing a hospital bag for you before he helped you out of the house and into his car “I-I- the baby’s gonna come… I- I cant…” you whimpered out and Harry hushed you gently strapping the seatbelt over you knowing it would be uncomfortable but he wanted you to be safe “look at me…” his hands gently cupped your face making you look at him “you can. You can do this.” He then pressed a kiss to your forehead before making his way round to the drivers seat getting in as he was immediately quick to start driving, he made sure to drive as safely as possible but he was in a mad rush to get you to the hospital so did risk running a few red lights. But he had to. He hadn’t experienced this before so was worried for your health and the baby’s health.

Everything flew by in a blur for you, first you were in a car now you were laying down on a hospital bed Harry to your left and doctors and nurses to your right, the doctors voices were muffled due to your pounding head and Harry lightly grabbed onto your hand “here… I’m here… right here.” He said softly giving your hand a squeeze, Harry’s eyes were on the doctors and nurses but every so often he would look down at you and press kisses to the back of your hand “give her some gas and air… she’ll be ready to push fairly soon.” The main doctor spoke as nurses immediately helped you- placing the oxygen tube into your mouth so you could breathe- apparently it was laughing gas but you sure as hell didn’t feel like laughing. If anything it made you feel sick.

A soft cry soon left your lips your eyes screwing shut the agony tearing throughout you being absolutely horrible, Harry hated seeing you like this… but this was raw natural birth for you. He squeezed your hand tightly “you’re doing so well honey… you’re okay.” He soothed as best as he could gently pushing a few hairs from off of your forehead as little grunts of pain continued leaving your lips, each contraction hitting you harder than the one prior. “Keep breathing in and out-“ “I am breathing!” You exclaimed and Harry bit down on his lip, looking at a few of the nurses whom had seemingly had patients like you before and Harry although a tad bit amused was quick to go back to comforting you gripping onto your hand tightly your grip on his hand making your fingertips turn white as you panted heavily, you pushed hard a slight groan leaving your lips as you fell back into the comfort of the hospital bed tears of frustration and pain trailing down your cheeks “I-I can’t do this…. I can’t Harry.. I-I cant..” you whimpered out looking at him fearfully the nurses around you quickly assuring you that you could as Harry stroked your cheek wiping away your tears “yes you can darling. You can do this… you’re so close… he’s nearly out. I promise. Just a few more pushes c’mon. Deep breath and then push as hard as you can” he said copying what the nurses had said prior trying to help you as he felt helpless. He hated seeing you in such agony.

You nodded before taking a deep breath as you squeezed your eyes shut pushing hard. Incredibly hard. Before a sudden relief surrounded you sudden cries from a baby were heard… your baby… tears sprung to your eyes as Harry looked at you eyes full of warmth and love and even some tears as well “you did it… you did it. You did so well.” He said pressing a kiss to your forehead as you closed your eyes tiredly a weak smile forming on your lips…. The pain was worth it. Soon enough your baby boy was rushed into your arms his tiny face was beautiful he had Harry’s nose and had your eyes, he looked exactly like you and Harry. A spitting image practically. “He’s perfect” Harry whispered to you and you smiled looking into his eyes with a lot of happiness, the nurses were fairly quick to leave to give you and Harry alone time but one left a little teddy for the baby something they apparently did for all newborns- the teddy was small and had a little stuffed bow and arrow attached to its paws and you couldn’t help but smile as you looked into Harry’s eyes “Archie styles” you whispered out to Harry watching as his eyes practically lit up “even more perfect” he whispered kissing your shoulder and you smiled looking down at baby Archie your eyes full of nothing but love for the little boy.

-

Tiredness soon overcame you and Harry was more than willing to take the little boy from you “rest up my love,” he soothed and you obliged exhausted and Harry took Archie into his arms the small boy snuggling into his arms as Harry sat down looking down at him “you’re such a small thing yet caused your mummy so much pain, hm.” He smiled before letting out a soft chuckle his eyes filling with tears as he looked down at the newborn before he looked to you watching your peace as you slept and he smiled pulling Archie closer to him… this is all Harry ever truly wanted… a family of his own and finally he had it. Now he could spend time with his family… his girl… his little boy… the people who would soon become his favourite people ever. His family.

[444princesa]

things i have done this month to prep for january

i decided to act on my new years goals in december instead of january to get a kick start so come january, my goals are already becoming habits.

now lets go to what i have done:

started working out or moving my body everyday for at least 45 minutes. i aim for 2 hrs of walking which equals to 10k steps and stretching for 10-25 minutes. i find that this has boosted my energy levels and i really feel good but i also do other workouts like taebo if walking isnt doing it for me.

eating cleaner and making my own meals. im not a super unhealthy person but i did indulge alot which i knew wasnt good and i regretted it right after. eating unhealthy foods made me feel so groggy, heavy, bloated and just BAD. i started to cook my meals and eating more whole foods. i still indulge but in moderation. drinking a ton of water throughout the day and eating veggies or fruits before and after a meal really changed my body for the better.

doing my skincare. i was lazy about my skincare like i didnt put on sunscreen everyday and i didt take good care of it. now my skin isnt bad and i never struggled with it but i knew skincare would benefit me in the long run, plus its a nice way to incorporate self care daily. i started to do my AM and PM skincare everyday and it has been such a luxury to do.

decluttering and organizing. i have been decluttering like a MANIAC this month. it has been so freeing to get rid of anything that i do not need. i have decluttered my whole space so i am ready for the new year.

living more slowly. now this wont last but i am currently on break so i honestly have alot more time. i don't wake up super early as i did and i dont make my day so jam packed that i never have time to do simple things for myself. i sleep in (which is waking up at 8am lol, im more of a morning person) and it feels nice not having structure to my day at the moment. its odd honestly because i am a person that plans her month, week, and day no matter what but this semester really drained me so i needed to give myself time to be lazy. BUT i do want to go back on a schedule come january because i cannot live this freely for a long time, that is just not me haha.

not much preparation but it has helped me to start fresh come the new year. i mainly have been enjoying life, workout, cook, clean and organize. i know when january comes my life will get busy because of school and life. i wanted to get a few things into habits like skincare, workout, eating better, taking time to relax, which i feel i have gotten that down. these were things i struggled with on a daily and practicing that everyday for nearly a month has made me feel better but also it has been part of my routine now. i do have more goals i know i can do daily which i will share later on.

[itsliyahhbih]

Ambivalent Love Pt 2.

Sum: You and Hobie are both Spider people who met at HQ, always tend to go on missions together and have been friends with benefits for 6 years. After a victory celebration you’ve started to realize you want more out of him, but Hobie doesn’t necessarily get it till you stood business.

Warnings: None for this part, hope you enjoy ☺️

“...I don’t know Hobie..” Hobie feels as though his heart just sank to his ass and kinda looks at her shocked. “Alright..My bad, have a good rest of ya day luv’.” He goes to kiss her cheek but he stops and just walks out the door. Y/n closes it behind him simultaneously and lets out the biggest gasp for air ever, as if she held her breath the entire time, but really she was just fighting back tears. Soon as she let that gasp go she broke down crying and leaning on her front door. Y/n sits there wallowing in her tears, the numb feeling , the feeling of regret and heartbreak for hours after that.

Five days passed by and no one really got her to move. Not her best friends, not even her mom or dad whom she was really close to...So eventually her sister stopped by too when she finally got the time from her busy lifestyle and after getting so many messages from the others about Y/n.

“Y/n honey, I know you wanted him to make the choice you were hoping he was gonna make..but he didn’t okay?” She rubs her sisters back softly as Y/n laid on her. “And I hate to be so blunt with you during this time of need, but at this point maybe it’s what you need..Y/n you’re an amazing girl. You’re so talented, smart..beautiful inside and out.” She smiles and sits her sister up wiping away her tears. She gets up from the bed and goes to the bathroom to start her little sister a shower and picks out an outfit for her. “My whole point is behind this, if he wanted to he would , okay? And he would’ve by now I can assure you of that! I mean maybeee ! Just mother fucking maybee he is misunderstood and there’s some underlying issue behind this, who knows!” Her sister throws her hands up looking at Y/N then walks over pulling her up. “But he isn’t communicating that with you and fulfilling your needs emotionally and mentally. Are you really gonna keep sulking around over this man who isn’t doing the same about you?” She pulls up Y/n from out of her bed. “Your New York needs you honey, you have a job and a life to live..So start living it for me okay? ” She smiles sweetly at her sister and finally, Y/n cracks a smile back and speaks “you’re right Sis...I think I just, I don’t know. I needed the time to process and sulk. To have that crybaby era. I don’t get it much as Spider woman. ” She stands up “Y/B/F is definitely going to get on my ass once she sees I’m up and functioning again because I let myself be so down” she lets out a heavy sigh with a bit of a laugh “But I deserve it after all the crying and venting she had to hear these past five days

,and here you come, only taking 45 minutes.” Her sister smirks and shrugs looking very proud of herself. “Yeah what can I say, I got the older sister touch.” Y/n looks at her sister unamused , about to give that actual attention and reply, but she doesn’t. “Mmmhm I bet you do!” Y/n speaks sarcastically and takes her stuff heading to the bathroom. “Give me like an hour to get ready!” Her sister blinks rapidly and looks at the time “An hour?! Y/n we’re just gonna go work on the Atom adjuster !” She waits for a reply back , seeing she doesn’t get one she does a silent scream and stomps towards the bathroom door when it closed, then goes to sit in Y/n’s living room to wait. “Fucking hour..who says I got an hour? What the fuck you gotta look good for in a lab..” H/S/N rambles on and turns on the tv sitting in wait.

Later on that day what turned into what was supposed to be a few hours of working on this turned into Y/N deciding to stay in the lab overnight to work. H/S/N hesitated to leave her alone, but she knew this was a bit of a better coping mechanism than what Y/N was doing previously. Couple hours into her work night she starts to yawn a bit “I think ima need more coffee and a snack this time.” She glances up at the time seeing it read ‘3:42’ “Yeahh I’ll ignore that” She walks to the kitchen area, placing her mug under the Keurig and popping in a new K-cup to refill her cup. She sits at the table inside the small kitchen and scrolls through her phone waiting , then suddenly she hears some small bangs in the distance. “Great and I didn’t even have my 5th cup of coffee…” She rolls her eyes and walks out the kitchen down the hall towards the noise. “Alright IF , you’re Y/B/F and I just didn’t notice you asleep in your lab that’s my fault ,but you better speak now or forever be webbed !” She calls out in a sing-song tone, then her spidey senses tingle.

She slightly jumps as she turns her body around and moves back to web the intruder down. As she does so she shoots a web to turn on the hallway light “Hobie..” He looks up and smiles weakly “hey there beautiful, mind putting me down..I just came here to talk, Luv’..please just let me talk.” Y/N crosses her arms and leaves him in the webs. “You have the floor..” Hobie looks at his placement on the wall then looks down at the ground to see his feet aren’t touching the floor “Yeahh, I don’t know bout that one love” She rolls her eyes and walks over using a laser outta her suit cutting him down. “Hobie, start talking before I throw you outta here..” she turns away from him, her arms back to being crossed, trying her best to remain cold with him.

Hobie watches her for a minute and bites at his lip piercing a bit “Lover.. I’m sorry, okay? I’m ah pure idiot and as thick as a brick when It comes to you. Our friendship, our relationship..It means the world to me Doll, you..you mean the world to me darling.” She still doesn’t turn around and hobie looks a bit shocked “Y/n, please could you just fuckin’ look at me mate!” His tone raises and he walks over turning her around “I’m not the one to beg and you know this, but I will sit here and beg for you. I fucked up. I made you feel gross , I’m sure of it.. like you’re just a lump of ass , and you’re not ! You’re gorgeous, I miss your nerdy comments over physics, I miss the fangirling at my concerts...I just miss having you at my side.” His eyes wander around thinking of what to say to her “You’re so optimistic and smart Y/N , I admire you for who you are, and I want you to know.. I was a bloody coward for not being able to say this to you sooner. I miss you at my concerts , I miss seeing you in the morning in my boat! Swallowed in my t-shirt as you make food! " Hobie groans and walks up to her grabbing her face “I’ll break any rule for you, I’ll sound like a gushing idiot right now if I have to, but love I need you back…” She tries not to make much eye to eye contact with Hobie. She’s never seen him like this, so vulnerable and actually expressing his emotions to her..It’s making her insides flutter, her knees go weak. Hobie’s her weakness..She tries to remain cold but she can’t help but muzzle her face into his large warm hands becoming putty in his hands..”Go on..say what you really want to say Hobs..” Hobie rolls his eyes slightly and chuckles “Oh you’re getting ah’ kick outta this aren’t cha’…” A smirk grows on her face and a smile grows on his..

A/N: To be continued…🖤 Pt.3 is the last part and fair warning, there will be Smut. Thank you for all the love, support and your patience! 🫶🏼

Link to part 3 🫶🏼

[ejzah]

A/N: Here we come to the end of yet another story. Thanks once again for for your support and love for this story.

***

The Other Shoe, Epilogue

One Year Later

Deeks moved around the kitchen, dicing some onions, stirring a pan of chicken, grabbing a couple of cloves of onion. He’d gotten home from work 45 minutes ago, and started in on dinner, knowing Kensi would be back later than him.

In the last year, a lot had changed. For one, he could walk down the beach, even run, without feeling like he’d collapse. He’d recovered from his transplant surgery better than could be expected. Although he had returned to most of his previous activities pre kidney failure, he had officially resigned as an investigator upon receiving his medical clearance.

Now, he supervised a team of NCIS lawyers and assisted with modifying agency procedures and guidelines as needed. Much like his job as liaison, he had a feeling that the position had been designed specifically for him. It was hardly what Deeks had expected for himself, but he found he enjoyed most of the work.

A timer on his phone beeped and he absentmindedly turned it off, grabbing the medication sorter off the counter, and popping the contents in his mouth along with a swallow of water. Humming a John Denver song under his breath, he continued cooking. He heard the front door open and close, and called out,

“I’m in the kitchen!”

Deeks looked over his shoulder as Kensi walked in, barefoot and in a tank top and jeans.

“Hey, welcome home, Lady Bird of my Heart.”

“Hey. Ooh, what’s for dinner?”

He grinned at her eagerness, nodding to the pan of peppers and onions. “Fajitas and semi-authentic rice. How was work today,?”

“Good. I taught a baby agent how to disassemble an incendiary device hidden inside a truck,” Kensi told him excitedly. Deeks turned around completely, his eyebrows high enough to touch his bangs.

“You what now?”

“It was a simulation,” she clarified quickly. Deeks visibly relaxed.

“Could have led with that, baby.” He left the stove to wrap his arms around her, and kissed her temple. Kensi tipped his chin down to kiss him more firmly on the mouth.

“Sorry. I just got excited,” she explained. “As much as I don’t miss the danger, I do miss the adrenaline rush that comes with fieldwork.”

That was another big change; shortly after Deeks settled into his new position, Kensi decided resign as well. Kilbride hadn’t been pleased to lose two of his team within months of each other, but ended up recommending Kensi for a supervisory position as well. She now trained incoming agents fresh out of FLETC to prepare them for their first real field experiences.

“I know you do,” Deeks said softly. He also knew his health crisis had played some part in her decision to step down. Thought Kensi insisted it was for many reasons.

“How about you? How was your day?” Kensi asked, reaching over his shoulder to sneak a piece of chicken.

“The new edits to the handbook were accepted. Finally got the definition and duties for an NCIS investigator clarifies more thoroughly.”

“That’s been bugging you for years! Congratulations.” Kensi kissed him again, as though he’d performed some impressive feat.

“I mean, it’s not nearly as exciting as yours,” he pointed out.

“Hey, don’t downplay your efforts. Because of you, future investigators won’t have to wonder about their scope of duty. Of course, it also means they won’t be able to use it to their benefit like you did.”

“True. It was fun to mess with you guys.”

“Yes, I know,” Kensi said dryly. She slid a hand up into his hair, leaning into him. He felt the gentle rounding of her stomach pressed against him, and he brushed his fingers over it.

“And how’s Baby Deeks-Blye today?” he asked.

“Happy and hungry.”

“Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” He grinned again, squeezing Kensi against him. “Does baby want salsa tonight?”

“Definitely,” Kensi responded immediately. She slid out of his arms, heading for the cabinets. “I’ll set the table.”

Deeks watched her for a few moments, overwhelmed by the simple delight of it all. Last year, he thought he might die, and here he was healthy, happier than ever, a baby on the way.

Yeah, a lot had changed. He’d always be on medication, he had to watch his diet to a degree, and his days chasing bad guys were gone forever, but he found it didn’t matter as much as he thought it would.

In the end, he was just happy for a second chance.

***

A/N: Sorry for the slightly cheesy ending. Hope you enjoyed this final bit of lightness after all the dark and angst.

[gemmahale]

I'm gonna vent about clothes and shit. Tw for: body dysmorphia, frank discussion of weight gain, general brain bullshit and internalized fatphobia-ish? Idk, I pre-tagged this and kind of went off the rails at the end.

Take care of yourself and skip this one if you need to, okay? I love you. 💚

I need to pick up some new clothes. I'm down to one pair of jeans and really can't wear skirts because it's still too windy (and I have no shorts to wear underneath for the chub rub). And I'm not ready to break out my above-knee skorts yet.

I just...I'm struggling. Last time I ordered clothes, they were too big (I went off the measurements and I think I sized up out of dysmorphia). And because I was deep in depression central last time, it took me weeks to try on the clothes. Which meant that they were outside of their return policies.

I feel frumpy when I go to work. I hate it. I want to be excited about putting clothes on again. I've been wearing essentially this "uniform" for four years now.

I got looking at my license (I'm due for a renewal and soon because my birthday's coming up) and I put on roughly 40 pounds in the last four years. Sedentary job, antidepressant weight gain, having a partner that feeds me well - all things that are net positive, but have affected my body.

Well Gemma, go walking. I need shoes. I need to buckle down and get a pair of walking shoes. But that's a whole thing because I have dancer's feet and stupid ankles and stupid arches. And starting. Starting and maintaining habits are hard. (I'm at the phase where standing for 10 minutes or so hurts my hips and low back. It's bad.)

We're running what feels like a very tight budget right now. Logically, I know it's not - I can see the numbers since I run most of the household budget. But there are things that feel like they should take priority and it feels selfish to be spending it on clothes when I have perfectly serviceable polo shirts, a sweater, pair of jeans and shoes.

I don't know. The me in the mirror is not the me I want to be and trying to claw out of this pit feels insurmountable. I love my body, that's not the part I'm struggling with (okay, some days I do, but that's ..."normal-ish" as best I can tell.)

It's the effort I have to put into looking put together. I miss taking 45 minutes to get ready in the morning, putting make up on and cute outfits and feeling good about myself. I went hypercompetent femme and it worked so well for me.

But I'm worried that a big shift is going to cause some weird blowback. I'm already down a few pegs because I present female and I'm relatively young, even though I have a doctorate in plant health and a decade of experience in the green industry. I'm worried presenting "more feminine" means people won't take me seriously. (Though we already saw that at the commissioner's meeting, so maybe it doesn't really matter.)

I've always been "low maintenance" - roll out of bed, speed shower and throw on clothes. But I want to put effort into my appearance again, for my own benefit more than anything. I feel nice when I'm showered and my hair is styled and it feels like I give a shit.

Tl;dr: Gemma needs to stop being a pansy and wallowing in her feelings, buy some clothes and walking shoes and get some dopamine dressing happening.

And maybe eventually I'll get the clothes I need to donate out of the bedroom too.

[comfort-person]

One night stand… gone wrong| pt 2

Tw’s: pregnancy, birth- ect ect- if any of these topics are sensitive to you please read at your own discretion <3

Part 1 is below this one(:

Recap: You spent the rest of the day talking to him, coming up with plans- ideas, simply trying to figure it out with him and now you were laying in bed his arms wrapped around you, you didn’t think it was romantic… simply in a comforting way. But either way you didn’t mind. He was bringing comfort to you either way. The tv played quietly in the background your eyes fluttering shut tiredly his breathing soft and quiet in your ears almost acting as a lullaby to send you into a peaceful sleep after all the panic and stress you had felt. “You can go to sleep” he comforted gently “I’m not going anywhere… ‘m here to stay.” He murmured softly his own voice laced with tiredness and slight sleepiness his head lightly resting on your shoulder his eyes fluttered shut as you relaxed back into him “mm…” you hummed out happily just glad he was there to stay. As the more you relaxed the more you started thinking “think I wanna keep it” you murmured and he let out a tired hum “alright… keep on thinking until you know what you want to do okay” he murmured quietly and you nodded your head relaxing back into him as you closed your eyes sleepily “if you do choose to keep it… just know you’re gonna be a great mum.” He whispered into your ear and just like the first time you had met him butterflies gently cascaded around your stomach a little smile remaining on your lips as you slowly dozed off to sleep… maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all?

————————————————————————

Harry spent the next few days and weeks and even months with you, being right there to support you he didn’t dare leave your side- even if he had concerts to do or interviews he either opted to do them by FaceTime or if he had a concert he simply couldn’t postpone he either brought you along with him or just performed it after you convincing him you’d be fine. He had grown rather protective over you so much so you were now confused what your relationship status was with him- friends? Partners? Friends with benefits? You weren’t entirely sure but you didn’t really mind as he was clearly protective over you and just wanted you to be okay. Your stomach had been growing constantly the baby bump soon showing to the point you weren’t able to hide it anymore but you didn’t mind. Your parents were supportive and so were your friends. Harry was the sweetest and most supportive and you couldn’t help but fall more and more in love with him, he came to every scan and every single check up with you no matter what was happening he came with you and as he promised was there to support you throughout it all and some of it was scary terrifying even, and you knew if he wasn’t there and you were alone then you wouldn’t have a clue what to do… he made you feel safe. Very safe. And you were forever grateful.

“I’ll be fine Harry” your voice was tired as you weakly dropped your head to rest against the toilet seat, you had been puking up whatever contents your stomach held for a good 45 minutes now, the morning sickness was exhausting. “Yeah sure. Don’t give me that. Let me take care of you.” He said as he slowly walked into the bathroom a bottle of water held in one hand and a large plastic bowl held in his other hand before he placed them down his large hands immediately working to pull your hair back away from your face as he held your hair up in a pony tail, a hair tie on his wrist as he gently tied your hair into a loose messy bun before he crouched down beside you his hand slowly rubbing up and down your back in a soothing manner “feel like shit” you grumbled out and he nodded slowly not wanting to say anything wrong like ‘I know I know’ as he in fact did not know… for one he wasn’t a woman and he most definitely couldn’t get pregnant and experience morning sickness so he simply remained silent his hand continuing to gently rub up and down your back slowly and gently. “What do you want?” He asked softly and you furrowed your brows “what?” You asked confused “boy or girl” he said and you let out a soft laugh “sorry, just trying to make conversation” he murmured with a little smile even if he didn’t like to admit it he was scared, nervous even… he was a top tier celebrity who was constantly in the eye of fans and paparazzi…. He wanted to keep you and the baby out of their way… he didn’t care- he wasn’t letting those pigs get money off of photos of you or his child. Photos of him were fine but he had become protective over you extremely protective to the point he was willing to smash a camera if needs be. Paparazzi tested his limits constantly and usually he was pretty good at not being affected but if you were brought into it then he would freak. He wouldn’t let them take pictures of you. Nor would he let them hurt you. “I think I want a little boy… don’t mind though.” You spoke snapping Harry out of it and he smiled pressing a kiss to your forehead “I don’t mind either way… but if I’d have to choose I’d want a little girl… bet she’d look just like you.” He spoke sweetly and you smiled but that smile quickly was turned upside down as you dry heaved into the toilet “ugh I hate this.” You whined out as he continued to gently rub up and down your back slowly and gently “you’re doing so well. So well.”

-

A few weeks had passed by and now was your baby shower, you didn’t want a massive one only you and Harry and a few friends as well as your parents. You had your mum make cupcakes and one of the cupcakes had coloured fondant in it. “Okay dad you go first” you said excitedly as you smiled, Harry’s hand lightly resting on your knee as you was happy too. He was excited. He couldn’t wait to see what gender the baby was. Your dad quickly showed that there was no fondant in it a few groans echoing around as you laughed softly, your friends did the same but they didn’t have it either and by the end of it the two cupcakes left were yours and Harry’s “let’s do it together” he suggested and you nodded excitedly as you held onto his hand before you both at the exact same time bit into the cupcake “oh my god!!” Harry’s voice was excited and you were quick to follow his excitement as your mum had sneakily had two cupcakes filled with fondant for both you and Harry specifically “we’re having a little boy!!” You exclaimed your arms quickly wrapping around the man as he held onto you tightly a wide smile on his face as he held you in his embrace before he pressed a little kiss to the top of your head “a little boy…” he said with a warm smile the excitement you both shared with one another being totally indescribable. You were nervous before but now you were beyond excited you couldn’t wait to meet your little boy.

-

Weeks turned into months and before you knew it your due date was only a few days away, you and Harry had gotten closer. He was starting to go out more to achieve his concerts and such but he was always only a call away always making sure you were okay after every concert he did. You were sat on the couch, Harry sitting beside you arm loosely wrapped around your shoulders- it was early in the morning and he didn’t have to be at work until 3 ish so you had all day with him practically. You held the first scans and most recent scans of your baby boy in your hands a wide smile on your face Harry’s chin gently resting on your shoulder as he looked at the scans too “he’s going to be so handsome… gonna have the best mum ever.” He murmured to you as he pressed a light kiss to your cheek and you smiled softly, he had been very kiss-y with you yet you both hadn’t been able to establish proper feelings yet. “Going to have the best dad too.” You said slowly turning to look at him forgetting just how close you were with him your breath gently fanning over his lips as he gazed into your eyes his lips mere inches away from yours his eyes searching yours and yours searched his right back you didn’t think you would ever fall in love with someone like this… not ever… but maybe the baby was a blessing in disguise?

And on that last thought you gently leaned in pressing a kiss to his lips your hand caressing against his cheek and he was quick to caress his hand against the nape of your neck pulling you closer to him, deepening the kiss that slight bit more- he kissed you so deeply and so passionately as if he was kissing you for the first time all over again, the first time was beautiful- slightly sloppy and needy but right now it wasn’t that, right now it was perfect… gentle… slow… full of no need or want- simply full of love. You slowly pulled back looking into his eyes “too soon?” You asked worriedly but he instead of saying anything simply pulled you back in again his lips pressing against yours as he wrapped his arms around you kissing you deeply and passionately as you and him had a slight make out session and you both knew you both needed that… needed it because it was simply brewing, it had been brewing for a long time the tension being strong “not too soon, no…” he murmured assuringly as he smiled into your eyes “just on time” he said softly before he kissed you again, you both kissing until you were both left breathless over and over again.

That evening was nice, Harry left for work and you were just resting on the couch watching Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. You weren’t really paying attention to it your attention mainly on your phone as you scrolled through social media eyes slightly tired and after a while you stood up off of the couch attempting to walk to the kitchen but before you could even make an attempt a wetness quickly began dripping down your legs, as if you had peed yourself but you hadn’t. You were confused and slightly horrified to say the least a slight pool of liquid forming just below you but that’s when it hit you… Shit it didn’t take long for you to put the puzzle pieces together and you were quick to ring Harry your hand resting on your belly, this wasn’t good- this couldn’t be good. Your waters had broke! Fuck. His phone went to voicemail over and over again before finally someone answered “hello,” it was a males voice but it wasn’t Harry “h-h-hi… get Harry please…” you practically begged “I’m sorry who is this?” The voice questioned “I’m Harry’s friend! Y/n! Please!” You spoke desperately hearing a sudden sharp intake of breath before the sound of screaming fans were heard- Harry was performing… of course your waters broke whilst he was performing. Typical! Your breathing was heavy as you squeezed your eyes shut holding your tummy, you felt weak and dizzy and terrified you didn’t know what the hell to do.

The stage manager continued to try and get Harry’s attention but he was dancing and talking to the fans, the stage manager however was quick to radio over to the people who controlled the music the music fairly quickly shutting off as Harry looked around confused his eyes soon landing on the stage manager who was quite honestly freaking out, Harry’s phone in hand as Harry put two and two together “one second everyone I’ll be back” he spoke into the microphone trying to not alert anyone to something being wrong before he ran off stage quickly taking the phone from him as he put it up to his ear “y/n?” He asked taking his ear piece out of his ear as he stuck his finger into his ear blocking out the screaming fans so he could hear you better “h-harry my waters broke… I-I need help” and at your words and quivering voice his heart dropped, the rest of his band quickly leaving the stage too to see what was the matter “I’m going to be home soon, Mitch I need you to get onto the phone with 999- call an ambulance right away.” Harry shot demands at his friends, telling them exactly what to do as he immediately went into protective mode.

-

You tried to remain calm as you gripped onto your tummy breathing heavy “I’m nearly home.” Harry said, he had stayed on the line with you the entire time and after a few more minutes the sound of car keys jingling were heard before the front door was pushed open “c’mere we’re going to the hospital what do you need?” He asked calmly and you let out a shaky breath “I-I don’t know…” you whimpered out and Harry knew you needed him to help and so he did, easily and quickly packing a hospital bag for you before he helped you out of the house and into his car “I-I- the baby’s gonna come… I- I cant…” you whimpered out and Harry hushed you gently strapping the seatbelt over you knowing it would be uncomfortable but he wanted you to be safe “look at me…” his hands gently cupped your face making you look at him “you can. You can do this.” He then pressed a kiss to your forehead before making his way round to the drivers seat getting in as he was immediately quick to start driving, he made sure to drive as safely as possible but he was in a mad rush to get you to the hospital so did risk running a few red lights. But he had to. He hadn’t experienced this before so was worried for your health and the baby’s health.

Everything flew by in a blur for you, first you were in a car now you were laying down on a hospital bed Harry to your left and doctors and nurses to your right, the doctors voices were muffled due to your pounding head and Harry lightly grabbed onto your hand “here… I’m here… right here.” He said softly giving your hand a squeeze, Harry’s eyes were on the doctors and nurses but every so often he would look down at you and press kisses to the back of your hand “give her some gas and air… she’ll be ready to push fairly soon.” The main doctor spoke as nurses immediately helped you- placing the oxygen tube into your mouth so you could breathe- apparently it was laughing gas but you sure as hell didn’t feel like laughing. If anything it made you feel sick.

A soft cry soon left your lips your eyes screwing shut the agony tearing throughout you being absolutely horrible, Harry hated seeing you like this… but this was raw natural birth for you. He squeezed your hand tightly “you’re doing so well honey… you’re okay.” He soothed as best as he could gently pushing a few hairs from off of your forehead as little grunts of pain continued leaving your lips, each contraction hitting you harder than the one prior. “Keep breathing in and out-“ “I am breathing!” You exclaimed and Harry bit down on his lip, looking at a few of the nurses whom had seemingly had patients like you before and Harry although a tad bit amused was quick to go back to comforting you gripping onto your hand tightly your grip on his hand making your fingertips turn white as you panted heavily, you pushed hard a slight groan leaving your lips as you fell back into the comfort of the hospital bed tears of frustration and pain trailing down your cheeks “I-I can’t do this…. I can’t Harry.. I-I cant..” you whimpered out looking at him fearfully the nurses around you quickly assuring you that you could as Harry stroked your cheek wiping away your tears “yes you can darling. You can do this… you’re so close… he’s nearly out. I promise. Just a few more pushes c’mon. Deep breath and then push as hard as you can” he said copying what the nurses had said prior trying to help you as he felt helpless. He hated seeing you in such agony.

You nodded before taking a deep breath as you squeezed your eyes shut pushing hard. Incredibly hard. Before a sudden relief surrounded you sudden cries from a baby were heard… your baby… tears sprung to your eyes as Harry looked at you eyes full of warmth and love and even some tears as well “you did it… you did it. You did so well.” He said pressing a kiss to your forehead as you closed your eyes tiredly a weak smile forming on your lips…. The pain was worth it. Soon enough your baby boy was rushed into your arms his tiny face was beautiful he had Harry’s nose and had your eyes, he looked exactly like you and Harry. A spitting image practically. “He’s perfect” Harry whispered to you and you smiled looking into his eyes with a lot of happiness, the nurses were fairly quick to leave to give you and Harry alone time but one left a little teddy for the baby something they apparently did for all newborns- the teddy was small and had a little stuffed bow and arrow attached to its paws and you couldn’t help but smile as you looked into Harry’s eyes “Archie styles” you whispered out to Harry watching as his eyes practically lit up “even more perfect” he whispered kissing your shoulder and you smiled looking down at baby Archie your eyes full of nothing but love for the little boy.

-

Tiredness soon overcame you and Harry was more than willing to take the little boy from you “rest up my love,” he soothed and you obliged exhausted and Harry took Archie into his arms the small boy snuggling into his arms as Harry sat down looking down at him “you’re such a small thing yet caused your mummy so much pain, hm.” He smiled before letting out a soft chuckle his eyes filling with tears as he looked down at the newborn before he looked to you watching your peace as you slept and he smiled pulling Archie closer to him… this is all Harry ever truly wanted… a family of his own and finally he had it. Now he could spend time with his family… his girl… his little boy… the people who would soon become his favourite people ever. His family.

[sluttyminghao]

U got any tips on losing weight cause I seen u said u were and I was like omg I am too but it ain’t goin to well 😭

ofc babe! ill pop them under the cut just in case someone doesn't want to read them

calorie deficit - this is going to be one of the biggest factors in losing weight, making sure that you're eating fewer calories than what you're burning off in a day (for example, eating 1700 calories in a day when you burn off 2300, that's a calorie deficit)

eating healthy - cutting out sugars and bad fats such as soda, chocolate etc and eating them in moderation will also greatly benefit you! you still want to reward yourself with treats every now and again, so don't cut them out entirely, just in moderation eg once or twice a week rather than every night

exercise! - the simplest exercise you can do is walking, which has a lot of benefits! a 30-45 minute walk per day can help you lose weight

ditch the scales; i feel like this is self-explanatory but staring at the scales will only make you feel bad/sad/ a whole range of emotions. don't let the scale tell you

i hope this is helpful!

[everythingisliminal]

Day 20 of 75 Hard

When I complete today, it'll be the furthest I've ever been in this challenge (made it through day 10 then day 19 in 2021).

The journey so far:

Two 45+ minute workouts, 3+ hours apart, at least one of which must be outside. Because I work 10 hour days in wetland restoration navigating mucky, watery, and steep terrain with ~40lbs on my back, I count those 4 workdays as my outdoor workout. Yes it's already part of my routine, but I wasn't going to not do this challenge just because I'm not fitting another workout in before work.

My other outdoor workouts are all walking and/or running around the neighborhood or on trails. My indoor workouts are push, pull, and indoor cycling days with my buddy, bowling with my husband, and following walk/dance/box/lift/yoga vids at home.

Saturdays are wild because I need to get a walk/run in, then go straight to cycling, and then 3 hours later bowl bc my afternoons are booked and I have to get that outdoor workout in but 3 hours away from another workout. Making it work, though!

I did put together an idealized workout schedule to train for the 5 mile trail run my buddy and I signed up for 2 weekends after we complete 75 Hard. Already had to adjust because I twisted my ankle yesterday, so I used that opportunity to try Qigong (followed by 45 min yoga). We'll see if I should stick with walking today or if I can throw in a few 3-4 minute runs.

Honestly, the toughest part of this rule is the scheduling and getting started. I really enjoy the physical activity when I'm in the flow of it.

Take a progress picture. This has been beneficial for me in a way I couldn't predict. The mirror has always surprised me, like "oh, that's what I look like?" It always shows me as curvier, less athletic than I picture myself. Might stem from a grey area of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. It's one of the things I'm talking with my therapist about.

But now that I'm taking a picture of my body every day, I'm realizing that what I'm seeing in the mirror looks better than what I'm seeing in the photo, giving an element of valuing what I see in the mirror. Like, I can more positively accept that that's me. So that's cool.

10 pages of reading a "think about your life" nonfiction book. I read The Book on Mental Toughness, which the creator of 75 Hard wrote. 3 of 5 stars. I might write an extended review, but a lot of the book was like watching a car crash. Yeah, the author's mentally tough, but he's not very well read sociologically. It'll be a tougher read for anyone who's nonbinary, living with intergenerational trauma, or can't stand editing/formatting issues. But there was some insightful info about 75 Hard and the continued LIVEHARD program, and I really benefited from the chapter on drinking water.

Currently reading Weave the Liminal: Living Modern Traditional Witchcraft, which I'm fully enjoying.

Books I'm considering reading next are Rest is Resistance: Free Yourself from Grind Culture and Reclaim Your Life / How to Make Friends & Influence People / The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius / Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good / and Keeping It Living: Traditions of Plant Use and Cultivation on the Northwest Coast of North America.

If anyone has a recommendation for books on Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte, or Aphrodite/Aphroditus, I'm looking to learn more about their part in trans history.

Drink 1 gallon of water. I have to stick with a 90oz goal. I've tried multiple times in the past to drink a gallon a day and always wound up with a horribly sore throat after a few days. Last time, it made me sick for 2 weeks. So 90oz of unflavored water is definitely way more than I'd drink normally (32oz on a good day) but without dipping back into unhealthy territory. There are some days that I can drink more (allowing me to get in some Gatorade, preworkout, or BCAAs), but I also have a steady supply of good cough drops at hand.

I try to get in 32oz before lunch, another 32oz by 5pm, and 26oz+ before sleepy time.

Follow a diet. No cheat meals or alcohol. I'm focused on getting 100+ grams of protein a day (macro balancing and calorie deficit are secondary but seem to be happening naturally). I've also cut out chocolate (this is how I know I mean business), sugary drinks, gluten, and microwavable mac n' cheese type meals.

This is really forcing me to get my act together when it comes to planning/prepping. No more going to the coffee stand for a burrito and red bull before work. I have to either cook breakfast or nom on a protein bar. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at least 2 snacks all have to be protein-centric for me to meet my goal. It's wild to think of how little protein I must have been getting. But now I'm full, and then I'm hungry! There's no middle ground of kinda-hungry filled with chips and milk teas. All this meal prepping and forcing myself to eat well for 75 days will probably be one of the most beneficial things I've ever done for myself.

Tangentially, cutting out chocolate meant cutting out my herbal calm chocolate supplements I always had at night to help myself wind down. Now I have to get off my phone earlier and stretch/meditate/read to get myself prepped for bed. It's good stuff.

Also, I don't drink alcohol, so there's no challenge for me there.

Overall: I'm so glad I'm doing this. This is helping me live my life the way I actually want to live it. I'm developing daily discipline and gaining insights into myself. I've lost 6lbs, my clothes fit better, and I can navigate terrain more easily. I'm enjoying trails in my free time. I was wishy-washy about my goals when I tried 75 Soft a couple months ago, and so didn't stick with them. With 75 Hard, my commitment is unquestionable. This is what my life looks like for the next 56 days. Afterward, I'll take what I like and ditch anything I don't.

If you're considering 75 Hard yourself, do make a game plan. Figure out what your diet is going to be and shop for it. Know how you'll track your water. Schedule a week or two of workouts that help you fulfill a goal (finding out what's fun for you, increasing strength/flexibility/speed, getting outside, hanging out with someone, whatever). Get a book. Give yourself this Day 0 to set yourself up for success.

Then START :D

[saffronjades]

Crimson Cheeks - A Diary of Embarrassing Events

Prologue

When you wave back at somebody, only to realise they were waving at the person behind you.

When you forget somebody's name 5 seconds after being introduced.

When your stomach decides to perform an impromptu symphony during a flicker of silence.

Life is full of these moments. During which, the same feeling of embarrassment flows through us. A feeling that is quite tangible, if you'd believe it. It's a physical force - Many feelings are. I wouldn't have thought it myself either, but I've been dealing with a peculiar set of circumstances that has led me down a new path.

For the past year, since around my 22nd birthday, I've been having embarrassing moments more often than I can count. On certain days, I have what I've been referring to as "flare-ups" - Days where the universe aligns in such a way that manifests far more embarrassment than usual.

I slowly began to believe these events to be more than a coincidence - They were a curse.

Throughout this journey, you'll learn how this came to be, along with all the times I've had these flare-ups. From peeing myself, to awkward situations, and most commonly of all, being gassy.

My name is Eleanor Grace.

Welcome to Crimson Cheeks - My diary of embarrassing events.

***

Chapter 1 *"Breaking the Silence"*

Working from home has its benefits. On this particular Thursday, that really started to work out as a silver lining - I had been passing gas all morning, and into the afternoon. Mostly silent. I am not a gassy person, but on this day, my body had other plans. Holding the pressure in was painful, so I had to let it out whenever it began to brew. I was grateful that I had dodged any awkward encounter by going into the office.

I always work from home on a Thursday. Our boss doesn't care where you do the work from, so long as you're doing it. Some of us *only* work from home, but I find the physical interaction keeps my sense of urgency up. Some of us *only* go into the office, but I haven't learnt to drive yet; the 45-minute bus commute is something I'd like to minimise when possible. So, Thursday is home-day.

It was 4:56pm; Only 4 minutes left of work, if the meeting didn't make us run a little overtime. We were on the verge of scoring a potentially huge client, so a last-minute meeting had been scheduled for the end of the day. I'm only a Junior User Experience Designer - Even if we managed to get the contract to design this client's website, I wasn't going to be involved. But this was a company-wide meeting... All 17 of us. We're a small team.

For the most part, I wasn't listening to what was being said. I was too nervous for my first book club. Being an amateur writer in my free time is fun, but a surprising contrast to it is my hatred for reading. I just find it so *boring*. Of course, that makes inspiration for my own stories difficult, so I try to get myself into it. Listening to audiobooks, renting books so that I'm on a timed limit to finish it, trying books my best friend recommends - None of it seems to work. I love writing, but hate reading. My latest attempt to correct this was signing up to a local book club, just a 10-minute walk from my house.

Feeling a slight rumble in my stomach whilst the boss was talking over the policies of our potential client, I reached over and muted myself on the call. My camera was still on, so I was very careful as I leaned to one side, and...

*Ppppppptttttt*

A deep, bassy fart erupted out of me, spreading across the chair. Despite leaning to one side, I still felt the bubbles as they pushed past my cheeks. "Ah~," I sighed to myself. I had been holding it in for a good few minutes, but I couldn't keep it up. Feeling relieved, I went to unmute myself.

I'm not exactly sure which I noticed first - Everyone in the call going silent, or the microphone icon already being in the 'unmuted' state.

I felt the heat of embarrassment wash over me, my cheeks turning a scarlet shade. I froze as my heart dropped to my stomach. *Shit,* I thought to myself, *everybody heard that.*

I've never been good with embarrassing events. Even my closest friends have never heard me fart - I'm a reserved woman when it comes to my bodily functions. In that moment, sitting on that call, I wanted to fade away.

I don't know how long I sat like that, as all the virtual eyes lay upon me. Even those without their camera on, I could still feel them watching me.

My boss smiled. "Um," he goes silent for a moment and glances down, "oh, look at the time. Sorry to keep you a few minutes later, everyone."

He wrapped up the meeting fast, but time still felt frozen solid to me. I left the call as fast as I could, and sat their for a moment, replaying the deed in my head. *Maybe they thought it was chair?* I tried to convince myself. *It could have been anybody in the call. Unless my name lit up as it happened. Was it loud enough for my name to light up??* My thoughts spiralled.

The smell of my fart hit me, bringing me back to reality. I closed my laptop and stood up.

***

I left the house just 5 minutes before book club was scheduled to start. I hadn't read the book, nor could I even remember its name, but I figured they'd be understanding - I had only signed up the day prior. I simply didn't have time, but still wanted to hear how people talk about stories. It would be good research.

My main concern at that moment was being late.

Feeling a build-up of gas, I slowly pushed. A silent *fff* came out of me. At the same moment, my phone buzzed in my back pocket. At first, I thought it was just my fart, but a second buzz clued me in. Taking a look at the screen, it was a call from my best friend, Tina. She was also coming along to book club - She goes every week, and suggested I join her.

I gently chuckled to myself for thinking my butt had made the noise, and then answered the call.

"Hey Tina what's up?"

"Hey Eleanor," I could tell from her voice that it wasn't good news, "I can't come to book club today."

"What? I don't want to go alone!" I contemplated turning around and heading home. "Why can't you come?"

"It's embarrassing, but I've read the wrong book. It would be silly for me to come along."

"I haven't read the book either," I reminded her.

"You signed up not even 24 hours ago, they won't care," she reassured me, "please still go! It'll be a great chance to meet people, and discover things for your own stories. You've always wanted to write a book."

"Yeah, I know..." the apprehension in my voice was clear, "I just hope I don't embarrass myself. I already did in work."

"What happened?"

"Well, I tooted in the work meeting."

Tina burst out laughing.

"What?" I spoke defensively, "Don't laugh!"

"Eleanor, how did you manage that?? Even I haven't heard you fart," she pointed out.

"Believe me, I know," I signed, "I'm not even sure when anybody last heard me...fart."

I've never liked saying the word fart, it's gross.

"I'm going with 'today'" Tina teased.

"Ha, very funny." I felt another gas bubble forming.

"You keep having moments like this recently," Tina pointed out, "remember last week when you --"

"Yes," I interrupted her, knowing where this was going.

"When you burped loudly in --"

"YES," I said louder.

"...when you burped loudly in that restaurant and everyone stared at you..." She spoke too fast for me to interrupt her again.

"YES, Tina. Yes, I remember." Needing to pass more gas, I hurried the call along. "Anyway, I need to rush along. I'm already running late."

Tina's laugh calmed down a little, but still shook her voice as she spoke. "Alright alright, speak to you later. You're gonna be fine! Loves and kisses mwah," she always ends her phone calls like that.

I always say it back...unless I'm in public. "Bye Tina, talk soon!"

As I hung up the phone, I looked around to confirm the lack of anybody nearby. The pressure in my butt was a good indicator that this would not release silently. The sun was still shining bright, making it nearly impossible for anybody to blend in with the streets. Spotting nobody, and only seeing an empty car parked a few yards ahead, I slowed down to allow myself to properly tense my core. I leant forward ever so slightly...

*Ppppppppppppppppppptttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt*

The relief felt incredible. The 5-second-long fart made a monstrous noise. As it ended, I could gently hear an echo of it come back around. I began to walk again, passing the parked car. Only then did I notice the face inside. The reflections on the window had obscured it before, but there, next to me, was the disgusted face of a woman. She stared at me from her parked car as I walked along, pretending to have not noticed her.

I probably went red enough for her to know the truth. I could feel my cheeks becoming brighter by the second. *How is this happening?* I thought to myself. Once is bad luck, but twice is a pattern. I tried to push the thought to the back of my mind - Being nervous for book club actually helped slightly.

Very slightly.

***

The book club was held in a small community centre. The hallway was wider than I expected, but I immediately spotted a room with an open door. I walked in and took a seat.

Everybody sat in silence.

"Sorry I'm late," I explained to fill the silence. They all began to stare at me.

The silence continued.

"Should I leave? I'm sorry."

One of them pointed to a sign on the wall. "No talking."

A man next to me laughed slightly - Very quietly. He leaned in and whispered "I think you're in the wrong room. The book club is across the hall."

"Oh my god," I spoke at a normal volume - A volume far too loud for a room with a 'No Talking' sign. "I'm in the wrong room. Sorry everybody, I'm--" I stopped, realising the irony of how loud my apology was. Embarrassed, I gently smiled at the man who had helped me, and left the room.

In hindsight, I should have spotted the other door, with "Book Club" written on a sign stuck to it.

I felt my stomach rumble, but could already tell from the echoes of my steps that it would be a mistake to let anything out. The sound would be amplified for all rooms to hear, including the book club.

I knocked gently on the closed door before entering.

"Ah, Eleanor, I assume? Welcome! We were just getting started." A kind lady with a glowing face gestured an open hand to an empty chair.

I sat down in one of the many mismatched (clearly borrowed from many other rooms) chairs, between an older lady and a man about my age. The seats surrounded a circular table that was just a little too small for the amount of people.

"So, I take it you haven't quite read the book yet?" The same lady, who I assumed to be in charge, asked me.

"Not quite," I confirmed, "but I still wanted to come along to get a feel for what it's like here."

"Not a problem at all, we're happy to have you."

I felt significantly calmer. My stomach, however, did not. It gurgled loudly for a little too long - Long enough that I noticed the man next to me trying to hide a giggle. I could feel the pressure building up, waiting to release.

"My name is Susan," the lady in charge shared, "tell us a little about yourself Eleanor."

*Great,* I thought, *I hadn't come here to be the centre of attention. Not even for a second.*

"Well, my name is Eleanor, as you all know," I chuckled slightly at the not-really-even-a-joke, "I enjoy writing, drawing, and psychology. I got a job in web development as a User Experience Designer, because it combines elements of all three!"

Everyone nodded along with smiles. I felt very welcomed, don't get me wrong, but I was cautious of sharing too much. Namely, the smell potentially brewing in my guts.

"Well it's lovely to meet you. Let's get started, shall we?" The woman turned to a man who hadn't spoken yet, "Aaron, you recommended this as our next book. Tell us a little about why."

As Aaron spoke, I felt more gas making its way down. It pushed against my backdoor, the chair holding it in more than my clenching muscles at this point. I felt a tiny amount gently hiss out - I sat tighter to the chair and clenched harder to stop it.

Whilst others began to share their thoughts on the book, I could only focus on the sour smell that had just hit my nose. *Fuck, it reeks. How did that come out of me?*

I shifted gently in my chair, secretly in an attempt to waft the smell a little. Instead, a larger amount came out of me. Still silent, but smelling just as awful. The older lady next to me briefly had an offended look on her face, before quickly realising she wouldn't want to upset whoever produced that stench, and trying her best to switch back to her happy smile.

The relief already felt incredible. I could feel the pain leaving my body along with the gas. But I was filling the room with a hideous odor and I had no idea how to hide it.

I shifted again. Susan took notice this time. "Are you okay, Eleanor?"

"Yeah," I squirmed a little, trying to think of a way to discreetly relieve my stomach, "I'm just going to head to the bathroom real quick."

I realised quickly that it probably sounded like I needed a shit, but I didn't have time to be embarrassed about that. Instead, I had a far greater thing to be embarrassed about.

As I stood up, the rest came out.

*pppttt*

A small squeak at first, causing me to instinctively clench it shut. But it was too late. My body needed to get rid of this pain *fast*. Beyond my control, my body relaxed slightly.

*PppppppppppppPPPPPPTTTTTTtttttttttttttttttttttttt*

A deep, long, bassy fart forced its way out. I tried to hide it at first with a cough, thinking it would give me enough time to stop it coming out. Instead, the tension of muscles it requires to produce a cough only made it louder and more forceful. The man scooted his chair slightly away from me - As much as he could, at least, on an already cramped table.

My guts emptied what seemed like a lifetime of air. I had never, ever, broken so much wind in one go. The fart went on for what felt forever - It was probably closer to about 10 seconds.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel incredible. This was the type of fart that really, really gives lasting relief. I felt like I could fly - Like I had shrunk in size. This big ball of gas was free. But I didn't have time to focus on that.

"Um," I considered blaming the chair, but I knew I wouldn't ever get away with that.

"Are you feeling okay, dear?" Susan spoke with a gentle voice.

*Dear?* I thought, *You're calling me dear, now?*

I'd honestly have preferred everyone to laugh. That is somehow less embarrassing than blasting a trumpet out of your ass so loud that everyone is concerned for you.

"I'm okay," I spoke too fast for anyone to really understand me as I rushed to the door, with no real intention of coming back. I heard a few people coughing, probably at the stink bomb I had just released. I didn't care to look back. I felt sticky with sweat, as the embarrassment manifested as a tight feeling in my chest.

Making my way out of the room and closing the door behind me, I bumped into a familiar-looking man, causing him to drop his notebook.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," I bent over to pick the notebook up.

*rrt*

A very short, squeaky fart left my backside.

The man laughed, "The floorboards here are so squeaky!"

He stepped back, causing another squeak on a floorboard.

*Oh thank god, that sounded exactly like my fart. He has no idea.*

I stood up and handed his notebook back to him. As I did, I recognised him as the same man who had whispered to me in the quiet room.

"Oh, hello!"

"Hello again, loud mouth." He smiled at me. He had a cute smile. I tried to subtly wipe the sweat from my face.

"Sorry about earlier in the..."

"Meditation club," he finished my thought - I clearly didn't know what I had walked into. "And by earlier, do you mean 10 minutes ago?"

"Yeah, that sounds right," I smiled, "Are you done meditating, then?"

"I actually got kicked out for being too loud. I guess I'm the loud mouth!"

We both laughed, before simultaneously realising the door to that room was still open.

Speaking quieter now, the man continued, "I'm Alex, by the way. Alex Fox."

He stuck his hand out to shake mine.

"I'm Eleanor Grace," I shook his hand back, "Do people often tell you you're sly?"

*Shit, what a dumb joke. Why did I say that?*

He chuckled. "Yes, yes. I've heard that one before."

A slight awkward silence washed over me as I felt more pressure in my stomach. Already.

"Well, it was lovely to meet you, Alex."

"Lovely to meet you, too, Eleanor. Take care."

I left the community centre, allowing the fart to come out as soon as the main door had closed.

*pppppppprrrrrrttttt*

It felt good to finally release one in private.

***

As I got home, before unlocking my door, I thought I saw a tall figure. At the end of the street, watching me.

I blinked, and it was gone.

*My imagination is running wild after this eventful day,* I thought.

If only my thoughts were right.

[kajordi]

I Demand to See the Ambassador Story

I DEMAND TO SEE THE AMBASSADOR - read the sign written in beautiful Mkhedruli alphabet, the ancient characters of the Georgian language are delectable and readable to only around 4 million people worldwide. I deciphered the message in less than the 5 steps it took me to walk past it, thanks, in part, to my remarkable ability to read the English translation below it. The man and his two companions held the sign near the impenetrable US Embassy.  My usual curiosity compels me to engage them. What serious issue requires such a demand? My 10 minutes remaining lunch break prevents me from satisfying my inquisitive nature.

I wish people would stop and think about persuasive communication for a bit. Your wife surely loves you, right? How would it go if next time you need to talk about something important you begin with: Wife, I demand you listen to me! Wouldn’t, please give me a minute dear, be far more conducive? 

I enter my dad’s office as I would any other room at home. I announce myself and greet everyone with a hello and a smile. Then quietly sit down and wait on him. I get pacy then sleepy from waiting. My ass hurts after 45 minutes on the darn wooden bench, which, I'm convinced, dad chose brilliantly for the purpose of shortening meetings. I don’t mind waiting. My father is an important man with 900 people under his management. Well, he and the group of cousins. Not anyone has access to my dad. Had it been our trustworthy Olivio, it would have taken him a 5-hour trip to see him and probably an additional four waiting on him to go back feeling very grateful and accomplished in securing some medical treatment favor. I, on the other hand, have access to dad and I am his top priority.

I met the Ambassador the day before. I didn’t recognize her. She was so friendly and interested in me that I felt okay to casually sit by her and chat. The exchange was so delightful that I wanted to remember her name, so I asked someone nearby. That’s when I realized that I had spoken to someone powerful and important. 

I hear President Biden may go down in history as one of America’s great presidents. The complaints against him are rather of being far too personable and treating strangers like dear friends: He spoke too close to me, put his arms on my shoulders, kissed my forehead-type of grievances. I can easily imagine talking about my kids with him as I did with my honorable Ambassador. But this, I will not have the chance to. Biden is an important man. And while I have no doubt he would show interest in our chat, he has a crushing weight of responsibilities to attend to and not enough lifetimes to deal with them.

Pondering about access to powerful people I came to think about the Creator whom I affectionately call Heavenly Father. How many times have I demanded action from Him? He didn’t smack me for my impertinence as my own dad would have. At most, He ignored me a bit. Would it not be more favorable for me to try to be a little more persuasive? To humbly ask for an audience that I don’t deserve based on my bargaining power or merit and show some gratitude for it? 

Then I thought about my friend George, whom I had the pleasure of seeing recently after a couple of years. George says he no longer believes in God. It made me a bit sad. I doubt my sign holder thought about preparing a manifesto or communique to deliver to the Embassy. They would have taken it. I’m pleased my sign holder believes the Ambassador exists and has the power to do something about his situation. Whether my friend George believes in God or not, God can do something about his needs. Whether George notices it, or not, God is pulling strings to his benefit. Yet some people tend to find favor among men. They’ve figured something out. And a further yet, there are a few people that seem to find high levels of favor with God. It would be good for us to figure this one out.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

I also do a 45 minute walk on my lunches on work days and 30 minute walks on the weekend with the pooch. The walks I've been doing for over a year but I'm really tryna feel better about my body.

That sounds nice! It takes a lot of commitment to stick to a routine like that. And I love my dessert so I’d struggle with that for sure, but I’ve been wanting to take better care of myself too. I will look into it more and find something that works!

I know meeting body goals is nice but has it helped you feel better about yourself? Like past the physical benefits

Just starting the walks helped me. I was more active and had time just for me. Just to walk and nothing else. And I am seeing the physical improvements more than aesthetically. I still have a long way to go before I think I'll be happier outwardly but my range of motion is improving. However. Exercise can only do so much for my sciatica and other issues.

[timeisacephalopod]

I'm doing a viewing of a place later and I'm SURE SHIT HOPING I can basically walk in and throw money at them and be like give me the place have the money for fucks sakes I've been clenching my fists at night for like two weeks and my hands HURT when I wake up I'd rather get this done with!!

The location is actually EXTREMELY good too, I saw the place ages ago and thought huh that'd be PERFECT if it wasn't available so far out from when I need it, but since it's still there it's almost close enough that if the busses cooperated I could go home for lunch to take a dog out and pet my cats, who would ALSO benefit from me going home for like 45 minutes or so during the day. Right by some trails by the river too, so Optimal Dog Walking (and me walking) space.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really nice day. It was beautiful out and I got to spend the time outside. And for the most part I felt really good.

I slept okay last night but I woke up and I felt very bloated. I've been feeling kind of bad about how much I weigh which I do not enjoy even thinking about. And usually I don't think of it. I haven't weighed myself on purpose for a long time. But going to the doctor so much lately I have to keep seeing it. And then the other day James needed my driver's license and I saw that the weight I was when I moved here was my most ideal weight. And I'm very far away from that now so it's all I can think about. And that does not feel good.

And I want to move more so I've been working on that but I don't like obsessing about numbers and it's really hard.

But I tried to put that out of my mind. I got up as James was leaving and we said goodbye. And I went and got dressed and I felt pretty good. I packed a little lunch. We got new sticky rice that I would make a camp and use as little sort of sushi rolls. Worked really well.

I did stop for breakfast but I went to the McDonald's that's on the way rather than the one in our neighborhood. Honestly didn't take any more time and might have been faster. So I drove out to camp and I got there around 8:45 and stopped at ground elements to set up before I headed up to the art building to change my shoes. I ran into Sam and told her I'd be back to the office soon.

And Elizabeth was there when I came back down. We checked in about the day and I still had lots of time until the school would get there so I decided to walk down to the lodge and get all the lights turned on and cook my rice so that would be cold like I wanted to be by lunch time.

I would make the track back to my car and honestly my breathing is getting better with walking back and forth. I still don't do great at hills but it's not as daunting to walk across camp anymore so that's nice.

When I got back to my rocking chair at the lodge some parents were driving up so I waved them up and said good morning and called on the walkie talkie to let people know that they were here. And soon enough the bus was coming in.

And for real it was really nice day. It started a little cold but it would warm up and be so lovely. We had one kid today who I've had as a camper before and she's one that I particularly like so it was great. And all the other kids were really sweet. There were 70 of them and it would be a busy day but it was fun.

My first group walked with me up to ground elements and we were able to do Kings finger and will watch her but we did not have time to do the team wall. And I would check in with Elizabeth later and she said it was okay that not everyone got to do all three things. Once we got to after lunch I gave the groups the choice and they decided to do team while rather than King's finger which I think is fair. everyone did great though for all of the programs. They were really engaged and while there was a couple times for everyone was shouting at each other I was able to do debriefs and I felt really confident in what I was talking about. I think I prefer a 45-minute session but I think this group would have benefited from the full hour just because I felt like I was a little rushed at the end because I had to get them to their next space so quickly.

Like I said though it started to warm up and it was just really lovely being outside. When they're on the whale watcher I get to sit on the ground so I enjoyed that and I just tried to encourage them and give them some directions but not too much. My first group half of them spoke Spanish and I'm not positive how much English they spoke but it was fun seeing them do all of the directing in Spanish and I enjoyed watching them. And there was just a good mix of kids somewhere super into it some weren't. But they were trying really hard and that was nice to see.

Lunch was great. I walked my group back to the lodge and I would sit out on the porch and eat my little sushi rolls and honestly will do it again because it was very good. I only ate half of it because I end up not being super hungry but I packed everything away my backpack and waited for their lunch to be over so we could head back out.

There were some confusion because Max and Nick accidentally took each other's group at one point so then we had to figure out which groups I needed that which group stand to go where. We did eventually figure it out it was totally fine. But it didn't kill a couple minutes so by the time I got my group all the way up to ground elements we only had about 35 minutes. So we did two of the programs but they did a great job and while I'm not very good at team wall because my arms are short and I am short We got 11 people up and over. I was very proud of them.

My last group to pretty good but I was a little concerned about them getting hurt when we were pulling them up over the team wall because I got pinched really hard so I came back down to watch them from the bottom and they were struggling to get people's legs over but they did it and then drop anybody. I did help boost some people from the bottom but there's only so much I can do when I'm only 5ft tall.

The end of the day came very quickly though. I walked everyone towards the office and told him to continue on to the field. And I got together myself and dropped off my walkie and said goodbye. I only had one thing to put away so I drove back up to the ground elements course and put my thing away and then I was off.

I thought about going somewhere but I didn't really want to buy anything or spend any money but I had a lot of energy. So I decide when I got home I would do a bunch of stuff.

I discovered that AJJ put out an EP and I didn't even know. So I had five new songs from one of my favorite bands it was so excited about it. And I was in such a good mood that when I got home I decided that I needed to switch all the furniture!

My original intention was to try to move off furniture from the studio into the living room and then all of our bedroom furniture into the studio and then all the studio stuff into the bedroom. I would not end up doing this. But I did take almost all the furniture out of the bedroom except for the dresser and the bed and vacuum underneath everything. And then I did very similarly in the studio. But to do this I had to basically make a huge wall of stuff from the living room door to the couch and then pretty much James's entire room was stuff. And I was making great progress. I was home for an hour before James got back and they were like what are you doing?! And I was like I'm cleaning everything is great. And I moved some stuff around in the studio. I moved where my printmaking table is so that I think I can get more work done and changed some storage options. And I feel really good about it. Feels a little lighter now but everything doesn't have dust on it.

I would run out of steam though. I did not get all of the vacuuming down that I wanted to. But I did clean up the living room and change the kitty litter. And clean the fish tank from more of the mites that have shown up. It feels nice to make the space nice.

I would get in bed eventually. And James made me a baksd potato for dinner. And Sweetp has been so cute. It has just been really nice. I have had such a good day.

James had a game to play with friends. And I would take a bath. I thought about washing my hair but I'm going to wear braids tomorrow and wash it when I get home from work. Mostly because it's going to rain and I'll be outside a lot so what's the point.

James is being so silly. I am painting my toes. And I am ready to get ready for sleep.

Tomorrow I have 3rd graders and we are learning about pollinators. Specifically I'm teaching my butterflies. So I think I'm going to pack my butterfly wings that I had gotten at Target I think last Halloween. And I'm going to wear them cuz I think it'll be very funny.

I hope you all have a great night tonight. Be safe and take care of each other. Good night!

[mariacallous]

As part of his latest U-turn, misunderstood genius Kwasi Kwarteng is now going to get the Office for Budget Responsibility to cost his debt plan and publish it this month instead of on 23 November. That’s good. I am going to get Jordan Pickford to save Leonardo Bonucci’s goal in the 67th minute of the Euro 2020 final. In Birmingham, it turns out the government’s massive mini-budget was actually a “before” photo, with ideas yet to reach their final form. Elsewhere in this larval cinematic universe, Liz Truss is still suggesting she isn’t going to raise benefits in line with inflation, which will be the next thing she folds on. There are currently radioactive nuclides with longer half-lives than her policies. We keep hearing Truss “needs a reset”, which sounds like the sort of solution Moscow would have proposed for the Chornobyl reactor shortly after the core had ruptured, destroyed the reactor building and caught fire in the open air.

Anyway: the Tory party conference. An event so cracked that Michael Gove can credibly turn up to it and act like it’s on drugs. Gove is doing more gigs than Ed Sheeran at the Birmingham gathering, but Truss’s cabinet is already nearing the “separate limos” stage of a monster band’s implosion. Be advised this is a conclave that a huge number of Conservative members of parliament found simply too distasteful to attend. Which certainly puts things into perspective. I’m trying to picture a Star Wars spinoff in which the rebel alliance was run by Gove and Grant Shapps, and it’s possible even Disney+ wouldn’t make it. Which, again, certainly puts things into perspective. Priti Patel is now spoken of as some kind of grandee. Which certainly takes perspective, and does something absolutely unmentionable with it.

British politics runs on about 10 knackered cliches, which is why we had to refer to the chancellor’s surprise abolition of the 45% tax rate in his maxi-budget as a “rabbit”. Ten days ago, the magician pulled this rabbit out of the hat and – as you may dimly be aware – has since detected some kind of adverse reaction to the trick. What you’re watching this week is the rabbit being brutally killed and dismembered in front of the horrified children, while the magician and his assistant (the prime minister) scream: “Stop crying, kiddies! JUST ENJOY THE SHOW!”

As for why it took so long for them to move to bunnycide, accounts vary. According to the chancellor: “We were absorbing the reaction.” Righto. I hope that Kwarteng and Truss are very absorbent – at this rate they’re going to need both thirst pockets and a dry-weave topsheet. Speaking of characters who practise extreme emotional suppression, Kwarteng’s turnaround recalled Leonard Nimoy’s first autobiography, which was called I Am Not Spock. That title caused a Star Trek fan furore so intense that it informed the title of Nimoy’s second autobiography: I Am Spock. Hey – he got it, he listened.

But did Kwarteng? His supposedly make-or-break speech screamed: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to you.” Unfortunately, the chancellor is no Jack Nicholson. And yet, he did seem to be unwisely attempting some form of acting, walking deliberately slowly to the lectern to set up his opening line: “What a day.” Kwarteng moves like an MDF kitchen dresser, but the delivery is pure woodchip.

Optics-wise, it probably wasn’t great that beneath the conference hall lights; the chancellor was sweating like … well, he was sweating like a free marketeer whose clever plan has just wiped hundreds of billions off the free markets. This type of sweating is probably the only thing that could make a glassblower’s arse/a paedophile in a prison riot/a Marine in a maths test break off from their own benchmark perspiration to observe: “Man alive, that guy looks insanely sweaty.” Still, at last we have an entity more annoying than the first person ever to think they’ve had a baby: it’s the chancellor who thinks he’s the first person ever to try to grow the economy.

By now, you may be judging that a period of silence would be most welcome from the many, many commentators who were only last month droning on about how you underestimate Liz Truss at your peril. How do you like this peril, guys?! Don’t underestimate Liz Truss, we kept hearing. And yet, why not? It saves time. I underestimated her, and you know what: I still overestimated her.

Any amusements this week? Watching Treasury chief secretary Chris Philp becoming aware in real time that he is being lined up for the human sacrifice role. But we’ve already heard way more than enough from emerging shithouse Jake Berry, the Conservative chairman who on Sunday expanded on the government’s brilliant plan for struggling people to simply make the choice to stop struggling.

As Berry put it: “People know that when their bills arrive, they can either cut their consumption, or they can get a higher salary, higher wages, go out there and get that new job. That’s the approach this government is taking.” Oh I see. If that’s the case, mate, could you – you personally – simply be better at your job? Could you either cut your own mic, for ever, or make the choice of getting up one morning and landing somewhere in the same postcode as adequate? That’s the approach this country is taking, Jake.

Regrettably, the party is still at denial stage, so other delusions are available. Truss is the UK’s fourth prime minister in not much over six years, yet many Conservatives are reacting to the latest horror show by suggesting they’re on some kind of accumulator. Take Peter Cruddas, a Boris Johnson crony who went through a cash-for-access scandal but was still ennobled by the previous PM as part of the latter’s post-democratic commitment to making the upper chamber literally 10% useless-bastards-he’d-personally-picked (with even more to come from him in some absolutely fetid lavender list yet to get its airing).

Anyway: here’s his lordship yesterday: “I believe the best option for Truss is to work with Boris,” hallucinated Cruddas, “to allow Boris to return as the leader with Truss getting a key job in the new cabinet. There could be a runoff between Rishi and Boris Johnson for the members to decide. There would only be one winner, Boris.”

Sorry, what? We’ve all been there, haven’t we, in a pub while our most chaotic friend unleashes another monologue about the latest toxic guy she’s into, thinking that if we have one more drink we’re finally going to be the one to say it: “For the love of God, for your sanity and for all of ours, HAD YOU THOUGHT ABOUT JUST BEING SINGLE FOR A WHILE?!” This really is starting to look much the same. I don’t mean to state the fist-gnawingly obvious here, but … has the Conservative party thought about just being single for a while?