#but I'm better at coping now than I used to be. its also easier when it isn't school

[exculis]

Do you guys think its possible that im creatively stifled because I have no real experiences and have essentially sat in the same room for 20 years only leaving to go to school or have a series of panic attacks bevause I am unsocialized like a feral dog. Do you think that might have anything to do with it.

[quimichi]

-ˏˋ . . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ CRUSH HDCS ࿐ྂ Pt. 1.....

WARNING: × pure fluff in my opinion

SUMMARY: just some idiots with a crush...you :)

CHARACTERS: Aether, Albedo, Al-haitham, Amber, Arlecchino, Ayaka, Ayato & Baizhu x F!Reader

WORD COUNT: 1.537

AETHER

ᯓᡣ𐭩 Paimon is so done with his constant ranting and crying about you

ᯓᡣ𐭩 She had to stop herself from telling you so often like "Just PLEASE date him already" because she couldn't just fall into her besties back like that

ᯓᡣ𐭩 you would think he doesn't really like you cause he's all quite. Wrong, he actually jusz tries to cope with his rising heat and nervousness around you

ᯓᡣ𐭩 did he once tell you that you smell nice even tho you were sweating lile a sinner in church? Yes

ᯓᡣ𐭩 did he also tell you that you look a bit different and like you haven't slept good after a haircut?...yes

ᯓᡣ𐭩 listen, he was concerned for you-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 everything was so embarrassing for him he thought you hate him now--- well, you didn't. Its hard not to find this weird and awkward ball of sunshine nice

ᯓᡣ𐭩 he also helps you out a lot, no matter whats the issue he's ready to help. And Paimon is the third wheel

ᯓᡣ𐭩 sometimes when he's nervous and talks to you he like suddenly needs to swallow down spit cause it gets stuck in his throat?? Idk how to explain it but i have this issue lol and its so hard to cover up the swallowing cause then people know youre nervous-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 literally once walked into a wall because he was looking at you. Luckily no one saw...except Paimon--she won't let him forget that ever

ᯓᡣ𐭩 speaking of Paimon, bro literally asked her for advice, and she was useful? Hey, look. Shes more than just emergency food-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she was like, "If you truly love someone, you cook them something good! Love goes through the stomach!"

ᯓᡣ𐭩 and thats why he desperately cooks for you every day---just put Paimon out of her misery and kiss him already

ALBEDO

ᯓᡣ𐭩 has no idea how and why it happened but he won't complain, you are pretty so-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 kinda takes it as an opportunity to study love a bit lol. Its not like he's dumb, far from that, he knows what hes feeling and why he feels attracted to you.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 but somehow he can't tell you, words fail him to explain why although he knows

ᯓᡣ𐭩 is confused and is irritated lol

ᯓᡣ𐭩 did tell Succrose about it and my girl can hardly keep secrets-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 oh and like around a week after he noticed his crush on you he confessed

ᯓᡣ𐭩 he's pretty blunt and honest, straightforward if you will.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 there's honestly not much to say, he knows he likes you, also probably knows it's mutual, logic conclusion would be that he confesses so you two can consider a relationship after some time

ᯓᡣ𐭩 easy??? Like what's not to get???

AL-HAITHAM

ᯓᡣ𐭩 the strongest feeling he ever had for someone else was a book character-and that's also pretty rare cause he doesn't read fiction he only reads facts-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 treats you normally with a sprinkle of kindness

ᯓᡣ𐭩 you don't notice, no one would notice. Good for Al-Haitham cause ew what if people realize hes just a regular human being?? Can't have that

ᯓᡣ𐭩 would tell you to take breaks and eat an apple or other fruits in those breaks so you can concentrate better afterwards. Oh and take a breath of fresh air

ᯓᡣ𐭩 keeps the bitch face on. Only drops it when you're not looking.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 finds it incredibly cute when you play with your hair or bite your lip. Your concentration is adorable...

ᯓᡣ𐭩 if you read like him, he would consider reading one of your favorite books, even if it's stupid and not his thing at all. He wants a good reason to talk to you

ᯓᡣ𐭩 has no idea how to get out of the "I'm so fucking cool" bs to actually get closer to you without seeming cringe or needy

ᯓᡣ𐭩 feelings aren't his thing but hey, he trys. Just pay more attention and maybe you make it easier for him by doing the first step

AMBER

ᯓᡣ𐭩 nah cause she's so honest about it-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 probably all Mondstadt and their granny's know that Amber has a crush on you, except for you....dumbass

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she always asks you if you wanna join her on god knows what adventures

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she also always packs lunch for you

ᯓᡣ𐭩 like i said, she is pretty vocal about it and shows it quite well that she has an interest in you....and youre just brushing it off as kindness

ᯓᡣ𐭩 always ready to help! And she doesn't even need a thank you. Helping you is enough to make her happy, seeing your relieved is all she needs.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 gifts you flowers on a regular basis because they're just as pretty as you ♡

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she's so straightforward about her crush on you it's insane. People think she's dating you already, well wrong--

ᯓᡣ𐭩 big talk and actions but when it comes to beinh very vocal about her feelings she shuts down-she would stutter and blush not knowing what to say-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 like, pls stop being so oblivious to her attempts and just tell her you like her--then she'll confess too!

ARLECCHINO

ᯓᡣ𐭩 look, she's a busy woman (father), she doesn't have time for stupid crushes. She'll either tell you immediately once she figured it out, or just waits till the feelings disappear over time.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 why? If she is uncertain that this would work out with a fatui harbinger, then she wouldn't confess at all. You won't notice a thing.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 but if she does feel like it could work out, maybe not immediately because you need time...and yeah maybe she needs to know a 100% too, she would court you (??)

ᯓᡣ𐭩 presenting you the finest things from all nations. Also giving you ifts from your home region cause...well maybe you miss it? And if you're from Fontaine she gives you only the most expensive shit hidden from all normal ordinary people-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she sneaks her way in your heart ngl-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 and if she ever sees you with one of the things she gave you, she would make sure others know. Who knows who might have an interest in you.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 would also make some space in her schedule just for you. Lets you know too. No, not to make you feel bad, nahhh. She wants you to know how important you are to her.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 and that she will always have time for you no matter what.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 she's kinda advertising herself. "Look, I'm the baddest bitch around."

AYAKA

ᯓᡣ𐭩 also makes space in her very busy schedule just for you. And if she can't find the time so you both can be alone, she takes you with her to her appointments and everything.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 wants her brothers 'ok' for it all. She wouldn't feel quite comfy if Ayato wouldn't like you. Thomas opinion is also very important to her.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 if she every plays this weird cooking game with you, she trys to make it tame. She doesn't want you too disgusted or near throwing up cause then she'd feel bad

ᯓᡣ𐭩 and also trys cooking for you normally. She trys ok, she's getting better and better. Takes this as an excuse to cook your favorite meals.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 dances with you! She's shy about it but she does. Ayaka teaches you her favorite dances and moves, and would get quite close to you by doing this...plus for her

ᯓᡣ𐭩 but besides this she's very shy about her crush on you and won't admit it very fast. Even after months she wouldn't dare say a word about it to you or hint anything to drastic.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 tbh, it has to be you who would need to make the first step lol

AYATO

ᯓᡣ𐭩 very obvious...I mean...he gives you flowers, jewelry, new clothes. He takes you to events or dinners, important meetings. Lets you stay in the Kamisato estate for free. Bitch you even have your own room??

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ITS SO OBVIOUS

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i can't tell you more, except, just...just talk with him about it. Confront him and say, "yes" that's all he wants to hear from you.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 and see you happy ofc

BAIZHU

ᯓᡣ𐭩 if Chansheng can keep her mouth shut he wouldn't tell you at all. Or at least not so fast.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 if you know, you know. Baizhus story is...something. i won't spoiler tho

ᯓᡣ𐭩 because of that he needs to be very sure about it all. He can't just jump into something that might not work out at all or have no future in the beginning.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 he would show his interest with nice little gestures. Giving you medicine for free, helping your loved ones when sick also for free, smiling just a bit more at you or teaching you about herbs and all.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 he's very gentle with you, scared he might break you. In truth it's actually him who would break--

ᯓᡣ𐭩 Qiqi would notice, she's a smart girl ofc she would. Yeah she knew you two were a thing before you two knew lol

ᯓᡣ𐭩 oh yeah and Changsheng blew it all-

ᯓᡣ𐭩 "Your hands wouldn't shake so much if you wouldn't love her"

TAGLIST ♡

@hehothrowawayfae @lucienbarkbark @ryu--19 @theblades @rikasurl

[girl-with-bones]

Look. I hate all of The Discourse as much as anyone, but let's not pretend that leftist (online) politics got into this state on its own - not after literal decades of conservative power. Globally.

I mean, it's no wonder that we're squabbling amongst ourselves trying to decide which stripy flag is Good and which is an Evil Virus of Satan when the pressure to be this picture perfect model of morality is so... overwhelming.

Hate is so everywhere, hell, so encouraged, at this point. We all have our guards up. All the time. It feels like it's everyone for themselves, and thats done none of us any good.

Propaganda. Everywhere. All the time. Everywhere we turn at this point we find ourselves demonised, dehumanised, or just disregarded entirely. And our collective coping mechanism, it seems, is scrambling amongst ourselves to make ourselves, again, the most "perfect", "pure", "presentable" community.

This is not even just about the extreme examples. That's all been applied to terfism, acephobia, whatnot, but honestly it applies to all of us.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. Of having a "take" every time. Of having to have one.

I can't help but feel like our movement is so fractured because we're entrenched in conservative ground. It reminds me of two things: that one comic about the werewolf that doesn't get angry, can't get angry, because people will only see a monster; and that one tweet about people thinking it's better to do nothing wrong rather than something right.

Of course we feel like we can't do anything wrong, being "one of the bad ones" is something we've all been taught to desperately avoid - from those that hate us all anyway and from all of us with our guards up constantly.

Of course there's no space for compromise, there's no use for compromise. Not without a solid, dedicated, unified, practical movement. All the big options are just... awful. Democrats? Terrible. Labour? Spineless.

It's divide and conquer at every level. And we're super fucking divided right now.

Anyway, all that to say, while there is plenty to be negative about and there are a lot of problems with how we handle our ideas, the more that fascism is fought against, the easier it becomes.

Yes, Labour had to pander to tories to win this election. Yes, it was barely even a vote for Labour at all.

But, if this goes well over the next few years, and if public opinion finally shows the first signs of turning, then maybe, just maybe, we can start to have this discussion more on our home field. We can slowly, gradually, pull back the discourse and Actually Get Shit Done.

There is death in this world. There is pain. There is oppression. There is genocide.

There is also hope. There is also a future.

If. Maybe. Hopefully.

It's possible.

[staratdawn]

I thought about au with blind Regulus and deaf Sirius. It is not congenital, most likely acquired after 5 years of Sirius and 4 years of Regulus at Hogwarts. Their mother's unsuccessful punishment spell hit both brothers. Total blindness forever for Regulus, too much damage to do anything about it, even magic is powerless. Sirius rolled down the stairs, hitting his head on all corners, causing serious damage to the head, including the auditory cortex. The predictions of the Black' personal doctor were positive, of course, no one was going to upset them. But the hearing does not return to Sirius in a year or two.

And this difficult for them, almost impossible to make contact, despair splashes, their psycho-emotional state is not just a light wind, it's a fucking storm, like, they never can be ok again. They need more than a one year to talk to each other again. It's been hard before, don't think they don't love each other, we all know true, and yet their family didn't anticipate the possibility of healthy communication among its members. But now it takes a lot more effort to talk. Sirius can't hear, but he can speak. Regulus can speak and hear, but cannot see. So, Sirius speaks. Sometimes Regulus answers and Sirius lip-reads, it gets better and better with the years but never perfect the meaning of some phrases is inevitably lost, but that's something they can at least handle. Sometimes Regulus writes — he remembers good how it's done, but still a little awkward, not nearly as perfect as it used to be, and yet understandable enough. They learn to use it more often. Talk more often. It is important for them not to lose connect. They seem to have lost it all their lives and only learned to fix it when it was too fucking late.This was exactly the moment when Sirius runs away from home and starts living with James. And Regulus needs time, his parents are careful with him, they no longer try to be as cruel as they used to be, mostly just words, and over the years he managed to develop a good immunity, they do not hurt as much as they could. Sirius hates himself for not being able to take Regulus. They still didn't talk back then, it was so difficult for them and Sirius couldn't just ask Regulus to come with him, he didn't believe he could protect him and felt incredibly vulnerable. But he offers in a year and Regulus agrees.

When they get back to Hogwarts, things clearly change. Honestly, even too much. Regulus has a specially trained guide dog, this is a collie named Lyra (actually, in honor of the constellation, but he did not tell anyone about it except Pandora), she is big, soft and fluffy, and she is also smart and really very strong helps him. He also has a cane inlaid with many spells, so he knows Hogwarts quite well, much better than the first years (which is a dubious achievement, but nonetheless).

Sirius is trying to cope with his condition, mostly not really knowing what to do. I'm thinking of a spell he might have found one day to help take notes, literally translate the words spoken by the professor into text (I know there's nothing like that in canon, but it would be fair if there was, and generally, I just don't care about canon, I REALLY don't care, it's there because I made it up right now). He carries around a notepad and pen so that people can write what they want to say to him, but he also often understands what they are saying by watching their lips move. He can also talk, but he can't hear himself, so it's often very loud/very quiet, he prefers to write, but in the company of marauders, he doesn't care if he seems stupid or awkward.

I think Regulus, even after losing his sight, plays the piano, it is important for him to hear and feel the keys under his fingers, it grounds him, calms him down, makes him feel whole. Sometimes it is unbearable, but more often it gets easier than worse. (As he gets older, there are days when his hands shake too much and he can't find the right keys. Then Lily kisses his temple and James puts his hands over Regulus', they play slowly, making Regulus feel more, feel integrity, pushing the keys until he's finally okay)

And sometimes their duet with Sirius is also heartbreaking. Sirius can't hear but can guide his hands, he just feels, he has enough feeling, he doesn't really like to play. He desperately wants to help Regulus. And he sees the keys, he may be his eyes.

So, speaking of marauders. Honestly, James was the first to know. I think Sirius ran away to him somewhere in the middle of summer vacation, so James went to Hogwarts already fluent in sign language and actively continuing his studies. They met Peter during that time, so he definitely found out, even if Sirius didn't want to show it, and sign language was incredibly difficult for Peter, but he tried!! (damn, he tries so hard to be tactful, I just know it, he doesn't want to offend him, he doesn't even speak in his presence, but mostly writes on a notepad to make Sirius comfortable!!!)

Remus only finds out at Hogwarts, not because Sirius doesn't want to tell him, but because Sirius feels bad and doesn't want to appear weak in front of his boyfriend, ok. In this universe, there is no prank, so they are really happy together, but Sirius's disability is very difficult, and he wants to withdraw into himself and never share his burden with anyone. But he still has to do it when they meet on the train, and it's, well, never been easy, ok? Sirius also believes that he is much more fortunate than Regulus and feels guilty because people surround him with care, it seems to him that he does not deserve it. 

I also think that Remus KNOWS sign language very well (I headcanon him with a large family, several younger and one older sister, I think one of his sisters is deaf so he had to learn sign language for her, I can talk about his sisters, in case anyone is wondering, I just love the concept of a big family where Remus is the middle child, and he is the only wizard, except for Lyall, if we are not talking about the fact that Pandora could be his sister. He also suffers from lycanthropy, and I think one of his sisters might, but that's another TALK....but, you know, he'll never be alone and his family is, well, a little wolf-family-pack. ..okay, just let me know if anyone is interested, this isn't even about Remus, I should fucking shut up) so that makes things a little easier? Except that Sirius himself needs time to learn sign language, but it's absolutely in his best interest, so he's trying so hard. Remus really tries to take care of him, he shares his notes with him before Sirius finds that spell (he's never done this before and it was never needed, but now Sirius is so grateful) and he's definitely taking the translator's position a bit with people who do not know sign language, he really is not a burden, because Sirius will never be a burden for him. Never.

And also I think that Regulus has a spell that makes the book read itself, which makes life easier, magic is beautiful. And he definitely learns to read braille later, but I don't think it's very common among wizards (he probably isn't at all. but over time his life is so closely intertwined with muggle world, he can't ignore it)

Let's talk about girls! I like to think that Lily was fluent in sign language before that, as if she seems like someone who will know it, or at least try to learn it. Mary and Marlene absolutely don't know but they are really good friends so they try. And Marlene is in love with being able to write constant notes in a notebook (gives atmosphere. She puts Sirius notes between textbooks, very, very many notes in a day, they become less over time, but she was never going to throw constant gossip with her bestfriend, thanks, even deafness will not interfere with her). Mary also uses her notebook to write for Sirius when she wants to say something.

I also think that Lily absolutely cares about Regulus (platonically or romantically, your choice), but she doesn't know what she can do for him, she just goes with him all the time, almost seems to blend in with the Slytherins. She reads books to him aloud because he likes how soothing her voice sounds, he actually has an amazing memory, he quotes something from what he has read before or from what he heard from Lily.

Evan and Barty don't know how to act at first. But over time it gets easier. Like there's no problem putting things back where they belong so that Regulus can move around the room with ease, at which point they're very clean. They try to spend a lot of time with him, sometimes it's even annoying, he can say it, but honestly he is grateful.

(also Lyra is absolutely delighted with Barty and Pandora, when Regulus is in bed and she doesn't help him anymore, she often goes to Barty's to get her helping strokes)

Dorcas is so excited when she finds out about this, she is actually so mad at his family. One of her best friends will never fucking see anything else because of his family (Regulus never told them the reason but they know. They all know). She is very afraid of how unsafe he can be in his house, but she obviously does not show it, it would be inappropriate and not quite in her character. She tries to be tactful and act like nothing has changed. And she's also very supportive, actually, she's just not clingy like Barty and Evan, for example, she's just expressing help in the little things, I would say. Her help is usually silent, but also surprisingly eloquent.

I didn't say much about Pandora, I'm sorry. They have an amazingly cute duo and an interesting way of getting around, when Regulus assumes his animagus form, he is also blind, but he is literally cat, so she often carries him around in her arms to his destination. It's faster. Oh, and she was the one who helped him find the spell to read!!

Also, I think Sirius's hearing will start to recover at some point, but it will never be good enough, it's just... some sounds, more sounds than total silence. I didn't mention hearing aids before and I don't think they're common among wizards, but he'll definitely use them when they get out in muggle London and, well, it won't give him perfect hearing, but it's a lot better than nothing...

(little bonus: when Sirius wants to be kissed, but he doesn't want to write about it in a notebook or make gestures because it will upset the mood, he puts his finger on his lips or on his forehead or on his cheek, my boy just wants kisses. And he spreads his arms out to the side when he's waiting for a hug and doesn't want to initiate it first. when alone with Remus, sometimes he just reaches out his palms. Oh, and he claps his hands when he tries to get someone's attention. It's easier for him not to talk than to talk so he keeps the conversations to a minimum)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi Sex Witch, do you know anything about using birth control to mitigate anxiety spikes that happen leading up to and during the first few days of my period? I'm considering going to a psychiatrist to learn about anxiety medication, but I'm not sure if a gynecologist would be better since it tends to coincide with my cycle. I don't have it bad every month, but every time I have a huge and prolonged amount of anxiety it coincides with my period.

ONCE AGAIN: NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR OR A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OF ANY KIND. THIS IS NOT MEDICAL FACT OR A SUBSTITUTE FOR CONSULTING WTH A TRAINED HEALTHCARE PROVIDER.

hi anon,

I would recommend seeing that psychiatrist first and asking this exact question. while hormonal birth control can be a huge relief for anxiety and depression, side effects are different for everyone and I personally always hesitate to recommend birth control for anything other than specifically what it's actually intended for (decreasing the chances of an egg being fertilized). especially considering that the process of finding a hormonal birth control that works with your body can cause hormonal spikes that could make your anxiety much worse, I wouldn't go for it unless you're able to talk through your situation in detail with your psych and they give you the okay to try it.

speaking from personal experience, when my mental health was at its worst and I was unmedicated I would have TERRIBLE depression spirals right before my period. not every month, like you, but when it did happen it hit hard, and it always coincided with the days before I started menstruating.

I've now been on anti-depressants for nearly four years, and while I still have a bad month every once in a while (usually when I'm already stressed and overwhelmed in other area of my life, RIP) I know it's easier to cope partly because I have that sweet sweet supply of lexapro built up in my body helps keep me from entering instant death mode every time I feel a little yucky.

also, for your consideration and the sake of having as much information as possible to take into your consultation: I would recommend reading up on pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) and considering whether or not it matches up with your experiences. PMDD can cause severe anxiety and depression in addition to physical symptoms, and is definitely worth taking into consideration for your healthcare providers if you think you may have it.

[laurfilijames]

*bare with me because I'm doing this on my laptop and I have not figured out how to use emojis on here:(*

It took everything in me not to go off when I first saw that ask. Laur gave you grace because you might not have had bad intentions but I honestly do not care because most of what you said did not have to be in that ask.

"Will needs better-coping mechanisms than putting his dick in her..." I'm not going to argue with your opinion, however, I think some of you have forgotten the "fiction" part of fan fiction. It is literally fiction, its only purpose is to bring the creator's imagination to life. Y'all have to stop going into everything as if it's supposed to be real and relatable to you. Yes, there are going to be relatable elements that resonate with you and those moments are amazing, * you should cherish them by mentioning them to the writer in a reblog :' *, but that doesn't mean they're supposed to think or act the way you would. So, please remember this the next time you're reading a fic :)

"yeah it's great but communication is better." I'm excited to tell you how wrong this is (pertaining to Will and the reader's relationship ofc) because I've gushed about it to Laurie in a reblog! Will is a man of few words and throughout most of the parts what you see as regular sex scenes is actually Will communicating with the reader! It's unique to them. It's easier for them to understand what the other is thinking or how they are feeling through physical touch! We see their conversation through their pace when they are feeling rough and fast or soft and low. I haven't gotten to pt. 9 but almost always Laurie still gives us an insight into how they communicate with words! I could talk about this for hours but that isn't the point of this ask :)

Now with all of that being said, the first half of your ask was irrelevant and could have been kept to yourself or a friend if it bothered you that badly lol. You could have sent an ask saying, "I never want Breathe to end!" or "How many more chapters of Breathe are we going to get because I never want it to end?!?" and she would have loved that, but instead you decided to be an asshole :( #dobetter

Now my dear Laurie *que emoji* I am so proud of you and everything you've accomplished with not only "Breathe" but also the other stories you've so graciously shared with us!! despite this bad apple the rest of us know and appreciate how hard you work and all of the thought, care, and passion you put into your creations! You handled that anon like a true girl boss, but I don't like when people shit on my home girls so of course I had to put in my two cents :) Anywaysss I hope you have a great day girlie pop!!

Oh my dear Ray 🥹💗 you are so wise and kind and eloquent with your words.

I don't need anyone going to bat for me but please know I appreciate it all the same. I could've responded very differently to that anon but it wouldn't have done anyone any good.

I am over the moon that you continue to recognize all of the things I subtly weave into my series. You hit the nail on the head again with pointing out that the main type of communication and love language between Will and Reader is physical touch. I always strive to come up with a healthy mix of spice and emotion in my smut scenes and I am on my knees thanking you for clearly seeing that time and time again 🫂💗

This situation has only made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have such amazing supporters and friends and am feeling emotional (in a good way!!) that you and so many others appreciate what I do here with my smutty silliness 🥹💗

(Cue all the emojis!)

[heyyallitsbeth]

Trigger warning for self harm, eating disorder and suicide references Okay I've seen some serious stuff an uncomfortable amount in the past few weeks so i need to talk about this. A lot of men have been opening up about loneliness and this recent exposure of it has been called the "male loneliness epidemic". and ive seen a concerning amount of people talking about how its just men making themselves victims, or how theyre just incels. And guys. Guys.

Men can be victims of toxic masculinity.

The facts are, men are far more likely to commit suicide than women, as well as develop drug addictions and alcoholism. Men on average also have smaller friend groups than women. And this all stems from toxic masculinity, bottling up emotions, not being able to open yourself up to others, to make those connections and develop healthy coping mechanisms. People end up turning to drugs and self harm as a result, since they think nobody will care. And why wouldnt they think that? Society has drilled it into their heads since birth. Men are always told to tough it out, to suck it up, that tears are weakness, that boys dont cry.

I'm a trans woman, I remember distinctly all of these phrases repeated by adults, teachers, parents, friends. It's especially worse in western society like the UK and US where physical affection like hugs are far more uncommon, especially for men. I first experienced depression when i was in middle school. And despite trying to talk to parents and counselors, my condition wasn't taken seriously until I eventually had a full breakdown and passed out from not eating in highschool. Personally, I am very lucky. Two friends were able to saved me from a suicide attempt by calling me and talking me down in time. And I only reconnected with that friend due to my transition. We were able to reconcile about arguments in the past and moved forward becoming good friends. The other friend I only met because of my transition. My friend group grew when I was a girl, it was easier to be open and honest. If I was in the same spot only a few years prior, I would have been dead.

And people are making fun of these guys for opening up like this now, saying everyone is lonely, that its not a uniquely male experience. Like you do realize you are QUITE LITERALLY proving to them what they've feared, that nobody cares. And people are always saying "oh this is a trend why is this the first time people are talking about this". Maybe its because we just went through a period of isolation and that time locked in their rooms caused a spiral of depression that made them reflect on their lives? Maybe because as a whole we are experiencing a mental health crisis worldwide? Maybe because through the modern internet we've never been more connected than now?

Yes men have privileges, that doesnt mean that they dont struggle and have issues too. Their opportunities and privileges do not negate their struggles. Toxic systems hurt everyone.

Personally, I'm now doing better, although sometimes I do slip into that deep depression, but I have better ways of fighting it now. And I'm lucky to have some friends who I know truly do care, as well as a loving partner. And while they dont follow me on tumblr, I just wanted to say, Thank You to Evan and Shi.

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy :) long time fan of your writing

I know you’ve written about times where CD has mentally pulled away from you, and your dynamic, because of real world issues and circumstances. I was wondering if that still happens where maybe one of you is just having a rough time and pulls away and maybe how you navigate that and reconnect ? Or if this ever hurts your feelings and how you go about it even if his issues arnt because of or about you

Hope that made sense, have a great day!

Hey Anon :)

Thank you!

Yes, we still have times where one or both of us get sort of emotionally distant without fully realizing it. Sometimes due to life circumstances, sometimes just due to mood or mental health.

A little over a year ago we got to a place where we both (but mostly me, honestly, haha) felt more comfortable addressing issues or concerns at a faster pace, rather than waiting on emotions to fully pass. With that, we've been able to discuss any feelings of distance or being shut off or shut down a lot more quickly, which has resulted in those periods being shorter than they used to be. We've also both gained a lot of additional insight into our individual mental health situations the last year or so of being in therapy. And when we understand ourselves better, that makes it easier to communicate where we're at to each other.

So how it works is basically...

CD still tries to let me know if he is feeling 'off' at all, and to let me know it's not me if it's not me. I try to do the same. And we're both able to do this at least 90% of the time that it happens, now. And when we aren't able to communicate to the other person that we aren't fully feeling ourselves, it's the result of us not really realizing our own mood. So if CD is 'off' and he doesn't say anything to me, that usually means he isn't aware that he is 'off', so my goal would then be to let him know that I feel like he is 'off' so that he can kinda check in with himself about how he's doing, and then we can talk about it. And same thing if I'm the one who is off without realizing it. A lot of the time if we don't catch our own mental health thing, the other person will see it. Also, we're both medicated for things now that have helped reduce the low moods and intensity of anxiety that would cause us to pull away or pull into our own heads.

Once we've acknowledged that something is off, sometimes we fix it, and sometimes we let it run its course.

Sometimes that distance we've been creating with the other person doesn't feel necessary, so once we recognize it, we work to communicate through it and get back to feeling really intimate.

Other times, it feels like the person who is 'off' really needs some space to just kind of be in their feelings and stuck in their head for a day or two to process whatever they're coping with. We still do some talking with each other about it, we never fully lock the person out. But we don't always feel like that kinda off, stuck in our head, feeling is something that can be immediately resolved, sometimes it takes time to come back around, and so we try to give each other that space if that's what's needed.

When Cd is the one who is off, I do still tend to worry that it's somehow my fault. It helps a lot that we just address it directly, and really quickly. It give some less time to worry about other possibilities. Still, it doesn't always take care of my insecurities. If I feel like I need it, I will let him know that I'm struggling, but while making it clear that I know it's primarily my issue. "I know you said that you're feeling off because of [XYZ] right now, but I'm still struggling with worrying it's my fault. Can you reassure me again that it's not about me?" or similar is what I try to do. And directly asking for the reassurance we need is something we've just managed to figure out this last year or so. In the past it felt like if we ask for exactly what we need and then receive it, we'd totally dismiss t. I don't fully know how or why that doesn't seem true to us anymore. But yeah we are now able to directly address our need, ask for it, and get it - and that helps some. But also, to some degree, I try to recognize that my insecurities exist, and that while I try not to let my insecure thoughts run away with the chickens, I can't fully expect CD to be able to 'cure' my insecurities. So I try to just remind myself of my patterns. I have an insecure attachment style so it's easy for me to get anxious anytime I feel any distance from him. And just sort of remembering why I have that reaction, and that it isn't really about CD at all, somewhat helps.

But yeah, I find that it's a lot easier to come back together when we don't let the distance stay unspoken or last for as long as it used to. If you can get to where you can communicate noticing that something feels off sooner, and address any insecurities sooner, that can keep the insecurities from growing as much. At least, that's been my experience.

Hope this helps!

[charredcheddar]

I started using tumblr to get away from using tiktok and here are my thoughts so far

Things I like

Less overstimulating content. This is a huge problem with tiktok since there's both audio and visual stimuli. Not even mentioning the duets and overlapping music meant to keep your brain captive. tumblr has mostly text posts which slows down the speed of absorbing content plus all videos begin muted anyway so I have to choose to listen to the auditry stimuli which made me realise that I often don't want/need to. This does mean I'm not able to use tumblr to distract myself as well but long term that is a good thing and I need to stop being dependent on consuming content to feel okay.

More detatched. People don't need to show their face/voice on tumblr, removing that anxiety I feel about putting myself online and also takes away a level of comparing myself to others. I also feel like text can remove a lot of barriers that video content has with language since it's much easier to translate static text than an entire video.

People letting themselves like things. I struggle with feeling bad about liking certain content since its "cringe" or "bad" but people on tumblr seem to be less worried about this and it's reassuring. Or at the very least people who don't like it seem less likely to be in the spaces complaining about how bad it is. Maybe I'm being nieve but it just seems nicer

I can sort of share things with my family. My dad doesn't have social media outside of facebook so when I try and send him a tiktok or a pintrest board, it's likely to not work. However, I can simply screenshot a post and send that to him and he'll be able to see, process and understand it much easier and faster than anything else.

Cons of tumblr

Negativity. It's a social media, I should have expected this but it still has a lot of negativity. I use social media as a coping mechanism to try and make myself feel better but sometimes that ends up making it worse. Granted, this isn't exclusively a tumblr problem but it's still something I've noticed. However I wish tumblr would stop showing me discourse I have no stake in. It just feels bad to see groups of people hating the others existence.

Interaction. I struggle with interacting with people on tumblr more than I did on tiktok. Mainly because comments on tiktok feel smaller and less obvious than reblogs which seem to be the main way of interacting with others. Maybe I'm just not fully understanding the culture of the platform yet but it does give me anxiety.

Algorithm. I feel like my tumblr for you often only has posts relating to one tag at a time and the not interested function doesn't seem to work as well for me as it does on tiktok. It also gives me random posts about things and then gives me more despite not interacting with them? Also I see the same posts show up a lot and it annoys me because I'm refreshing specicially to see new stuff.

Idk this was just my overall thoughts since I've been active here for a few months now.

[ghostofagoat]

I feel so lost. I want to get better with all sorts of things, my mood my physical health, my mental health, my eating habit, I want to learn, I want to read, I want to go outside and socialise.

But I don't I don't know how to do any of it. The first step is the hardest step, because I'm in a mirror maze filled with knives. If I stay where I am I'm safe, not better but safe.

If I step wrong, and there are a thousand wrong choices to every right choice. Then I get really badly hurt. Not just a papercut, I could bleed out or lose a limb. I'll probably just be hurt making the journey that much more dangerous, not dead. But its still more than I can risk?

I'm already so broken. So fragile I feel like a soft breeze will shatter me. So I don't step. But I want to. I know everyone has mazes of thier own to navigate and the people who do best just go straight ahead. But so do those who die. I know that it's too much to ask to be safe navigating this. I know I have to make mistakes to get better. I don't mind some glass shards in my feet. It will suck but I can take them out . Bind my feet and heal. But if I step into bigger shards and lose to much blood its game over. And I'm not ready for that. I want to live. But to live I have to risk it all in a game of blind chance heavily rigged against me.

When ever I see characters stuck in a terrible situation I'm always screaming inside "go take your chance!" "Be free!" " you hate where you are so what ever happens will be better" then I look at my own self paralysed by the thought of pain. Of hurting myself more. Of hurting the ones I love. And I think "oh. That why you can't take that step without somone to show you the way. Or the breaking point when life is so unbearable where you are that anything is better.

I think that maybe I should find a cause that I don't mind dying for. Breaking my body, or mind, or both for. If there was a single thing I could think of where I would make more of a difference than a fly against the windshield of a car. I would. I'd regret those I leave behind but hope that I left them a slightly better world. The big things are too big, yes every little helps but it needs clever capable people to find chinks in its armour not a useless martyr. The small things are too hard. They never used to be. A small kindness was easy, a returned cart, a thoughtful gesture, now its too hard I can't go out and I have to rely on so many people to do the smallest of things me doing anything creates more problems than it helps. A thimble of water thrown on a fire, means asking the people near me to stop putting out their own fires and reach into mine so I can use the thimble. Too much to ask of other for the little good it does.

I know everything I'm struggling with interplays, I make one better the rest all get a little easier. But also I make one worse and they all get harder. And I can barely cope with what I have right now.

You might think that all this would be solved with a guide, some therapy, a safety net. And you would be right. But to get that help that I need. I need to take those first steps. And right now I have too much to loose if I step wrong. But if I get to that point of not caring so much will I have the strength left to step? Or will I just let myself fall?

[alexanderlightweight]

Hello! First of all I want to say I love your work!

I just saw your post about some entitled person complaining about you not using readmore (if I got it right?) and

1. People need to remember that they are able to turn off long post/turn on long post shortening in their settings on mobile so they're really just being rude about something that they can do something about on their own end

and

2. We can actually use readmore on mobile! You just need to type :readmore: in a new paragraph/line and hit enter! Just in case you ever do want to use it, but quite honestly? You do you and if people can't deal with how you do it then thats their problem, they do have options if it bothers them :3

Anon, you and another anon are just the sweetest people who both are trying to help me with this and let me just say, i appreciate it so so much. I have now somewhat figured out the mobile readmore though i need to fix it as i got it wrong a couple times.

But honestly, your reassuring me that i can do what i want on my blog is just, really soothing for my anxiety. so thank you a lot!!! because my brain likes lying to me and sometimes it's easier to believe someone i haven't met than the people i live with.

you 100% got it right. tbh it was just them replying to a fic i really enjoyed writing with a 'use a god damn read more' and nothing about the fic or anything else. which like, if you don't care about the fic and just the length of my posts please block me?

and tbh if it hadn't been so rude or distressing i wouldn't have been so upset. it's just, i only even saw the comment by accident (my notifications are horrible about telling me when someone has replied) so i kind of freaked out because how was i supposed to know it was even a problem for people?

i would have been happy if they'd asked me without swearing or been demanding in an ask and it would have been fine if they'd used anon if they didn't want me to know who they were. and then my bf took over because my social anxiety got triggered and just blocked them and talked me down from my 'omg i'm triggering people to the point they're upset at me and im a terrible person' mental spiral that i fell into. and i'm sure the person didn't mean to trigger me, but i do talk pretty openly about my anxiety on here so saeth agreed i should write a post about how not to request things. so that i can at least say i tried if this happens again.

also they're blocked and i didn't respond to them or call them out because 1) i don't need more negativity/they don't deserve access to me/my stuff and 2) they could have just been having a really, really bad day and they don't need the guilt of knowing they sent someone into a triggered anxiety spiral and almost made them stop writing an entire fic. or the stress of being 'called out'. it's healthier for both of us to just not interact at this point, i feel.

and while bad days doesn't excuse being shitty to other people ever!!! i personally just hope they find their equilibrium and learn better coping mechanisms and how to request things. but its also not my problem to fix, hence why blocking.

thank you for the care and the compliment and just reaching out! sorry i kinda ended up rambling because i'm still a little anxious about the whole thing and how i handled it

lumine

[freezethebeez]

Okay a Tommy chapter would be fine. Fun, even. But please please please I'm begging you to work a little on how you write restrictive eating disorders.

It's not about not being hungry. AT ALL. Unless you're fasting for more than four days (and, please, PLEASE emphasise that if Tommy ever fasted longer than a day, he would be counting the hours religiously), the hunger is constantly present. After about the four day mark, it eases up, but you're still obsessed with food, and you would not be able to act normal.

You've also said that the challenge with helping Tommy was starting him off with a slice of toast and working his way up, and even once he was eating full meals, he still struggled with every bite. Now listen. If you have been purposefully - and I mean PURPOSEFULLY, which is the very definition of anorexia nervosa - starving yourself, then the second you start eating more, you're going to be hungry. He was IN HOSPITAL. At that point, he's forced to eat more whether he likes it or not, and the hunger would hit him hard. And it would be uncontrollable. You've written it really well with Ranboo, but it would work even better for Tommy - especially if you can factor in the terror of him losing himself. If he's built his identity on eating as little as possible, it'll be nightmarish when he's suddenly clearing out the cupboard. But it will happen nonetheless.

Anorexia nervosa is not accidental. And it's not about not caring about food. Please, please don't confuse it with ARFID or lack of appetite. It tends to only reach that level of disinterest in eating during the late (and by 'late' I mean terminal) stages.

I think it's easier to write if you look at it as OCD - with which there's an EXTREME overlap. The obsession can be anything - fear of being fat, of being unlovable, of eating and eating and eating because god knows that if you started you wouldn't stop. Maybe Tommy just wants to feel small again so his dad will stop thinking he's strong enough to take care of himself. And the compulsion is obvious - it's hunger, and numbers. About a million sets of them. It's numbers as punishment, and numbers to stop the pain, and numbers as a way of describing what it feels like to hollow yourself out and scrape away your insides. But it's never, ever going to be an unconscious action. Anorexia nervosa is not a default. A default coping mechanism, maybe, but not from birth. Please keep in mind that Tommy could not be doing this unconsciously.

Also there was that one part in the chapter 21 when Tubbo checks for cuts. If Tommy cut there previously, the skin wouldn't be smooth. The skin will never be smooth. There's a good metaphor in there somewhere, and I sure hope you use it.

Sorry about all this. Every other Sunday I say YIPPEE!!!!! IT'S CATALYST SATURDAY!!!!!!!! So I love your work and also everything about you

thank you so much for this. constructive criticism is something i think i need more of, honestly.

anything related to eating disorders in catalyst is based on my own experience with them. i did take a few guesses for some parts (like tommy being hospitalized. i never was), but for the most part, i'm going off memory.

i've been recovered for about two years now, so while i remember some of my lowest moments, the day-to-day stuff has completely left me.

this probably isn't noticeable at all in catalyst (which is completely my bad for not making it clear or mentioning it at all), but tommy's not actually worried about the hunger, hunger is just a byproduct. he is very concerned about the numbers. and the only point where that would have been implied was when tommy was reading the poem in tubbo's dream (“Numbers don't mean as much to me anymore. The calculator in my brain has lost its batteries" which is SUPER implicit and i should probably clear that up).

i have a small backstory for tommy somewhat written in my drafts. in it, it's clear that he's focused on numbers— focused on them because it's the only sense of control in his life— as well as what happens when you present him with a hamburger and tell him to eat it (which is entirely based on a time in which i stared at a hamburger, debating whether or not i should eat it, and started crying. one of the many fond memories of which you're allowed to giggle at because i find them funny now). i'm aware that one does not act normal when you have are numbers in the brain. i remember getting a low mark on a math test (ironically enough) because i literally could not think of anything else besides what i ate that day, and what i had left.

tommy starting out small and working up to bigger meals was how i got better on my own (which i had to do. i wasn't able to see a therapist at the time and i knew there was a problem so i did my best to fix it. it wasn't easy, nor fun, nor was the process linear). again, i have never been hospitalized, so i really don't know what happens there. my road to recovery was essentially "still don't eat a lot, like, just a little more than usual, but also workout more because that's definitely healthier" and after that everything just kind of blurred. the exercise put me in a better headspace and got me out of that cycle, and i was kind of my own therapist at the time.

so yeah, i don't actually know how proper anorexia recovery goes, because i never had it, and i haven't seen anyone go into super high detail about it. i know they usually get a nutritionist, but i've never seen one so it's tough to write about, especially in high detail. if you or anyone else has information, i'd love to learn about it as long as you're comfortable sharing.

(additionally: tommy has a therapist, but no nutritionist because phil didn't see the point in that part, deciding that he can make sure tommy's eating when bee's meant to be. phil forgets about this as well, and tommy's left to his own devices.)

i'm aware that anorexia is not subconscious, and the more i think about it the more i realize that tommy's entire backstory is unknown. and it's not because i've been hiding it from you, it's just because i never get the chance to talk about it in full, and a lot of details go missing (i'll continue to work on that because that isn't good storytelling lol).

(and the reason why tommy's relationship towards food is messed up could also be because of ocd, which is something i didn't know i had at the time of my own eating disorder. you're so right, the overlap is actually wild.)

catalyst follows the dream smp timeline before the fic starts (when the fic starts, it derails), thus meaning that exile was translated into the catalyst universe in the form of dream (tommy's english teacher) keeping tommy behind after classes for extended hours to make sure he was getting his work done (he was) and just sort of torture him i guess.

tommy, now feeling a lack of control in his life, decided to limit his eating and lower his body weight because maybe dream would let him go if he looked too sick to be there. maybe dream would stop hurting him if he looked fragile. he was living on a hope and a prayer that it would all stop if he were just smaller. spoiler alert: it didn't, and now tommy's stuck in this awful cycle where every year around christmas (where dream's hellscape of a detention would kick up into overdrive before the holiday break) he goes back to those old habits because it just feels right. he's compelled to go back to it because it was easier to sleep all day and pass the time, and everyone always treated him a bit better when he was sick anyway— no one would dare hurt him.

as for the last point about cuts: i don't have experience with cutting myself, so i can definitely understand how that part would be inaccurate, and i take full responsibility for that. the adjective "smooth" was meant to be interpreted as "there's nothing fresh here."

thank you this, by the way!! constructive criticism is something i don't receive enough of, and just typing this out has made me realize where my storytelling is lacking. i've got a part in ch 23 where i can establish a little bit more of tommy's character and clear up some things. once the fic is completed, i'll also go back to past chapters and try to sprinkle in a few more details, or have scenes where topics are further discussed, especially about characters going through serious things like that.

responding to your message has been an entirely positive experience for me, so again, thank you!!

[viksalos]

I believe in the importance of choice as well i just feel the traumas of the past are too great and impossible to move on from and be functional.

It's just suffocating knowing it never goes away

and i don't know since the depression has been over (At least the diagnosis), my life hasn't been all that different or even better i just became more functional and learned coping,

I still feel lonely, unlovable, and still don't want to be around. I can choose to move past this and I'm trying but sometimes just the mere memory of having reached a point where I was intent on not being around just resets all the progress

(referring, I think, to this post)

Hi anon. I hope you are well today. That comic panel and my tag commentary got through my queue while I was asleep, so I'm answering this while I eat breakfast. My apologies for the delay.

To clarify, I do think the idea that one can "choose not to be depressed" is an oversimplification, which I alluded to in my tags. It should also be noted that I had also just read the entire comic (which I recommend), and to me, Metronome's *whole character arc* read like someone recovering from depression. At the end of the comic Obelisk and Metronome are still two unchanging objects, but Metronome seems to be in a better place mentally--the one panel I reblogged is mostly just a snapshot of their character dynamic.

But that brings me to what I want to say, and it'll probably sound corny but I mean it: I'm proud of you for improving your functionality and learning coping strategies. It may seem like you're not changing, but that *is* a significant difference. I get what you mean though, I really do--I've been dealing with major clinical depression off and on for at least 13 years, and last night I probably had the worst bout of suicidal ideation I've had in a while. When I was younger I definitely would've self harmed or started making more serious plans, but I didn't this time. I was able to use my own coping strategies to self-regulate. It's disheartening to still be experiencing ideation after 13 years, I won't lie, but getting better at dealing with it means I have the capacity to write this answer for you this morning instead of being in the throes of it still.

But also: in the past 13 years, I've improved my life *a lot.* The depression did (and does) make it a lot slower and more difficult than I think it would've been otherwise, and I feel like I started behind other people in many regards. But improving my life required choices on my part--for example, 13 years ago I absolutely felt unlovable like you do now, but I'm currently in a relationship when I could've chosen instead to close myself off to new connections, and when I could've said a thousand times "actually you don't want me around, I'm too much to deal with" and left, but I didn't.

This is what I originally meant by my tags with respect to the role of choice in depression: you can't choose not to be depressed, but you can choose to stick around, you can choose to make incremental changes that make your life easier or more pleasant, you can choose to open yourself up to new connections and new experiences that can enrich your life and give you more reasons to live. All these things make it easier when depression rears its ugly head again, they help your existing coping strategies work better, and they give you new coping strategies to work with.

Anyways I hope that helps, and if it didn't, I hope at least that getting your thoughts out did. Sometimes I find that's enough. 💛

[djxiao]

how do you cope with group disbandment? knowing that you listen to them growing up through your teenage years. now they're no longer active.. i cannot imagine if one of them are dead :( but life must go on..

((sorry not gonna tell who it is haha, I'm very sad))

i’m sorry to hear that a group that you love disbanded :( it’s tough but as you said life must go on. it’s ok if you aren’t ready to let go right away. it takes time to process and find new interests or groups that you love just as much but i promise over time you’ll find yourself missing them less.

i guess for me it was a bit different with fx because it wasn’t an official disbandment, it was more like they went a long time without a cb and it was clear to us that there probably wouldn’t be another one. eventually some members left the company and still no word on the status of the group but at that point we basically knew it was over for them anyways.

sulli’s passing was a shock and it really devastated me, especially because i still hadn’t come to terms with jjong’s death. and we were all concerned for the girls because they had lost two friends in a short amount of time. it’s sad now knowing they’ll never be all together again but at the time my thoughts weren’t focused on what it meant for the future of the group since the shock of it made it hard to think of much else, but also bc she had officially left the group some years earlier. of course missing her hurts but the world keeps going and you have to continue on. it’s better to remember the joy they brought rather than the very worst moment in their life.

i was also a big 1d fan back in the day (i know i know lol) and when they went on ‘hiatus’ i was in serious denial for like a year because i truly wanted to believe they were coming back. obviously they didn’t but that was another case where it wasn’t a clear disbandment and they let it fizzle out on its own. that’s why i got more into kpop actually. like before 1d disbanded i listened to a few kpop groups but i wasnt too invested in any besides fx and hyuna. but after 1d disbanded i turned to the fandom side of kpop and that was a really good (and better tbh) replacement for the group i was missing. this might be a good time for you to explore new/other groups too to get your mind off the disbandment and who knows maybe you’ll find a new one that you really like!

i do think clear cut disbandments are probably better for fans because you don’t have to go through that period of uncertainty where you’re hopelessly clinging to a group that’s never coming back. i think it’s much easier to let go this way. it still sucks and i know you’ll miss them but they’ll have other activities that you can support. it won’t be the same as before and they won’t have a group dynamic anymore but you’ll find it won’t be as bad as the initial surprise of it.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw: discussions of self harm

I've struggled with self harming for a long time and known a lot of others who struggle with it too. So I wanted to make sort of a post about what it's like to self harm, why we do, and what happens when you try to stop.

Tw: next paragraph will contain descriptions of specific sh methods

Now there's a lot of different ways that people can hurt themselves including not just cuts but also burns, purposely hitting, banging their head, biting, scratching, etc.

I would define self harm based on the reasoning behind the behavior and not specifically the action, as there are things that can be injurious that are going to need a different approach (such as skin picking, another thing I struggle with, and denying food but only to lose weight).

There's also things we do that may be bad for us, such as looking at things we know will trigger us or hanging around people who we know will abuse us but once again, I'm considering that something in more of its own category as the reasons behind it (and therefore the solutions) may be different.

Self harm is a coping mechanism- something you do to alleviate unwanted feelings. Because of that, it's going to be really hard to stop if you still have the same things causing those same intolerable feelings. So there are two things you can do here which is 1) increase your tolerance (which may not always be achievable) or 2) make things better- easier said than done and it may not be something within your control but believe me, this is the most effective way.

Instead of beating yourself up for slipping everytime you relapse, work on just acknowledging it. Acknowledge that you're in pain and need things to get better. And eventually when things do start getting better- wether that's through improved circumstances, environment, social support, or professional treatment- you won't feel the need to anymore.

I see a lot of people try to stop by counting down how long its been since their last slip and then they don't understand why they "fail" and get so frustrated and angry at themselves for not being able to just stop.

But the truth is, it's not about when the last time you self harmed was, it's about how frequently you feel the urge to. That's a much better indicator of how well you're doing. It doesn't matter if you've made it 6 months clean or 6 days, if you're feeling the urge to self harm less frequently you are already succeeding. If you are relying on it less, you are already getting better. It doesn't happen overnight.

And if you are still feeling the urges consistently, that's okay too. Things don't get better on their own and when they do, it takes a lot of time and work. And often time things will get better but then worse again and thats okay, its natural.

I've been self harming on and off for 9 years and even though there were months at a time where I'd go without, it always came back because I still needed it. There was no way to make myself not need it at the time. Now, I'm a lot happier and don't need to rely on it as much but the urges still come and go.

So if you need to hold onto a few vices to make it to that better future, that's okay. You're doing your best and you don't need to be mad at yourself for being in pain.

[hersweetrevenge]

My 40 min walk to work is all main roads and roadkill is... sadly, common. Every time I see Something I Don't Want To, I immediately cover that side of my face so I can't See It and I take some practiced deep breaths (though, if I look Too Closely, I WILL CRY and it can take the rest of the commute and then some of the first hour of my shift to stop crying. The sadness stays all day) and I imagine Lester's arm winding around my shoulders.

"Shush, darlin', pretend it ain't what it looks like. Don't'cha look now. Gonna get'cha away from it. Don't look, sweetpea."

😭😭😭😭

eri 💗 oh no, my love, that's so sad !! i'm no stranger either to seeing roadkill, sadly, and it never seems to get much easier 💔 but you do what you have to o to cope, and remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong about getting emotional about it, it is something you care about and that touches you deeply and there's no shame in that 💗

you are so, so right about lester though. he is a total angel when it comes to comforting you, and he's very in tune with sadness and upset.

the thing about lester is that although he works with roadkill all day, every day, i hesitate to use the word "desensitised" about him. i don't think he is desensitised. i know he says that he doesn't notice the smell, that he just got used to it, but i still think he has some sort of connect with the animals he collects. lester is very "circle of life" about the whole thing, the roadkill is returning back to the ground where it feeds new life, even if that return might have been a bit sooner than expected.

lester knows, better than most, that nature is cruel. that life and death go hand in hand.

even so, he is very, very understanding of how much it hurts you to see anything even close to animal suffering, never mind roadkill. he'd always walk closest to the curb so you're less likely to see (and because he's a gent) and would insist he take you somewhere (even if its a detour from your destination) to let you take a breather and calm down.

i feel like lester would also try and help you outside of the moment by doing things that help you process the feelings and sadness these things bring you. he doesn't want to change you, not at all, but he does want to help you in anyway he can. he'll make sure you know he does his best to help the natural process by taking any roadkill to the pit to be able to breakown and feed the earth, and that when possible the animals body (and life) won't be wasted.

plus, besides his deep love for you, and his need to protect and care for you as best he can, lester has a lot of experience with this type of reaction.

the twins are a lot like you. maybe a few less tears, but all the same they really, really hate seeing roadkill. it unsettles them, makes them sad in a way that they don't really want to acknowledge.

killing people is whatever at this point for them, but seeing a hurt (or even worse, deceased) animal hits too hard. animals are defenceless, innocent creatures (very unlike humans). they think it's unfair that animals might suffer.

lester even has to skin and prepare any roadkill he brings home for the twins because they can't do it, can't even look at it. he might tease them for being squeamish (even though he knows that isn't quite what it is for them) but he doesn't mean it, he understands it is difficult for some people.