#but hey! learning experience and at least now we can progress

[ratinayellowbandana]

lavender thread // a curated imodna playlist

I started curating this playlist over two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorite creations because I put arguably way too much thought into it. I soft-launched this a couple weeks ago, and I was genuinely surprised by how many people checked it out.  

It’s in rough chronological order from pre-relationship to post-campaign. Every song goes through a fairly thorough vetting process for thematic appropriateness, accuracy, tone, and genre. For example, if there are too many references to modern technology, days of the week, months, real places, religion, etc., it will likely be cut to build the "world of the story." Imodna playlist, but make it hyperspecific. Like, corpse falling in love with an embalmer specific. (you can find the "rejects" here)

Right now, the playlist is broken into two acts, with a prologue, an epilogue, and a couple of sub-sections sprinkled in. I personally recommend not shuffling, at least on a first listen, so you get to experience the full journey. But hey, I can’t stop you.

This playlist is a constant work in progress. I’ll add new songs I find that feel fitting, and sometimes they live at the bottom of the playlist for a while before I get around to slotting them in. “Dance in the Graveyards” will always be the end of the structured playlist. Rarely, I’ll remove or shuffle a song if I think it doesn’t fit the vibe, the lyrics aren’t specific enough, or it’s just not working. 

I’m making this post to share my playlist with anyone else who might want it and to write down my reasoning for every song so I don’t forget it. It’ll be updated as new songs get added. Enjoy!

I laid out my reasoning for each song mostly for my own benefit. You'll see the "section," song title, artist, a little blurb from me, and one/two of my favorite or the most relevant sections of the song. Sometimes, I just had to pick something because the whole song was perfect.

Prologue: 

“Stories” - Lilli Furfaro

It’s a beautiful framing device. It’s the premise of the game, the world, the show, and the characters. Fun fact: I found this song two full years before I learned she made a whole Vox Machina album lol.

“We are stories / Bеginnings, middles, ends / Our power lies in living lives that touch a life or two [...] / In this world we’ve built on games of chance / And hours of introspection”

ACT 1

Laudna, Before:

A general note: I looked for songs that were just slightly off-putting with darker over and undertones to match Laudna’s energy.

“Old Churchyard” - The Wailin’ Jennys

Welcome to the world. Foreshadowing and a set-up for the downfall of Whitestone. Speaks to the exhaustion. I imagine a tiny Laudna being ever so hopeful that it might get better but embracing the eeriness of a graveyard in the meantime.

“I rest in the hope that one bright day / Sunshine will burst through these prisons of clay / And the trumpets will sound on the hills near and far / Will wake up the dead in the old churchyard”

“Funeral Bell” - PHILDEL

The aftermath of the banquet. The fear, sadness, and resignation. The sense of relief. 

“Oh mother, I’m scared to die. / Where, where do my good deeds lie? / Oh father, I’m scared to live, / Takes more than I’ve got to give.”

“Apple Tree” - Marika Hackman

Hanging from the tree. A crowd gathering. Wanting to be remembered. Enough said. 

“Here I hang for the sated crowd / To look upon my eyes, look upon my mouth / And say, ‘We were there that day / I saw a face, heard a sound’”

“Special Death” - Mirah

Asking, “Why me?” A sense of confusion and loss along with the saving of Whitestone. Concludes with the beginnings of the la-la-las. 

“But it's a special death you saved / For me, the brown-eyed daughter”

“Ain’t No Grave (Sparse)” - Crooked Sill, Aoife O’Donovan

It’s a little on the nose, yes, but I chose this version specifically for the sense of emptiness it evokes. There’s an implied skepticism of seeing people you think you’re able to trust, specifically “gods’ people” (as I’m choosing to interpret it), and thinking of the clerics who saw a monster. The dismay of being resurrected into a world that hates you. We’ll see if this one sticks; it’s a little heavy on references to Christianity.

“Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down / When I hear that trumpet sound / I'm gonna get up out of the ground”

“Don’t Know Who I Am” - Rebecca Roubion

The distinct loss of identity and a surprisingly apt description. Laudna had no name and no sense of self or what she was. She’s searching for something to identify.  

“Black tears on my shirt / Black tears on my freckles / I've been stung by this hurt / I've been stung by a stinging nettle”

“Lying Beast” - Run River North

Running. Running far and fast, leaving home behind. Seeing herself as a beast and being terrified of it. So alone. 

“And so I flew away with myself / I was the beast all alone in my hell!”

“Drinking Song” - House Phone

What could she have become if she hadn’t been murdered so soon? We see her begin to play and fantasize and dream and grow. 

“'Cause you won't rewrite history / To commemorate the likes of me / And you would not believe me if I tried / To tell you all the things I've seen / And all the places that I've been”

“Mile Magnificent” - molly ofgeography

Starting to explore her magic and Delilah’s influence in her head. It starts to feel... good? The pent-up frustration and anger have a release.

“We bloom beneath the blessings of a goddess with no face [...] / All my better demons have gone the way they came”

“Stolen Roses” - Karen Elson

Digging into the anger, searching for a purpose. Too old and too young at the same time, forced to grow up too fast. 

“There once was a time when I was a girl / That darkness hung in my sky / I was old before I learned to be young / Stone cold till I learn how to cry”

“These Bones” - Azrai (ft. Momo O’brien)

Searching for a home, a place to rest. Crossing the sea to Marquet. (The intro, as you’ll hear, foreshadows the pluckier sound of Imogen’s section.) Skeletal imagery. 

“I am a long time finding home / I have only ever wandered before / It′s a savage sea we're made to roam / Every tide can turn to haunt us / But the ocean reaches past these ghosts / And I will always sail for more” 

“Mountain Song” - Little Chief

A beautiful, adventurous musical introduction. Open to the possibility of new things, still weary, but there’s more here. 

“I’ve been living in a hole in the mountain / Ain’t no sins in there / Oh, these memories they keep on following”

This is our transition into...

Imogen, Before:

A general note: I tried to seek out songs with more of a folky-bluegrass vibe for Imogen to match her background. 

“Second Child, Restless Child” - The Oh Hellos

I imagine a very young, carefree Imogen. Well before her powers kicked in. I like to think she thought she was a bit of a troublemaker, but anything she did was so endearing and mild that it was sweet. A happy kid with big dreams until the signs of something else started to appear. 

“With a spirit running wild, running free / And they saw trouble in my eyes / They were quick to recognize the devil in me”

“I’ve Endured” - Tim O’Brien

Growing up with her father in the mountains and in the fields. The nightmares begin. But this is fine, right? She can handle this. 

“I've seen the lightnin' flashin', I heard the thunder roll / I've endured, I've endured / How long must one endure?”

“Wander. Wonder.” - The Arcadian Wild

The powers are coming on strong. Post-nightmares and in pain, nothing she did was good enough. She felt trapped in her own home, shackled by her mind and father, perhaps, as she tried not to let on that she was changing.

“Half awake I wander through this house / Lost in a labyrinth and left with no way out / I built this hall of mirrors all myself / Faces staring back at me look like somebody else”

“Lost in My Mind” - The Head And The Heart

Everything is So Much. Thoughts of leaving but–

“Momma once told me / ‘You're already home where you feel loved,’ / I am lost in my mind / I get lost in my mind”

“Trouble and Woe” - Ruth Moody

The voices are awful, and the world is so bleak. People are cruel. Getting worse, and hoping it will get better. 

“This world is full of trouble and woe / All I see is trouble, everywhere I go”

“Little Bird” - The Weepies

People have noticed. Trips to town are much harder. The voices are louder. 

“Sometimes it's hard to say even one thing true / When all eyes have turned aside, they used to talk to you / And people on the streets seem to disapprove / So you keep moving away”

“Storm Comin’” - The Wailin’ Jennys

It’s getting worse. Nightmares getting more frequent. Control is slipping. And, you might notice this song is by the same artist as Laudna’s first. I do love a bit of symbolism. 

“Will you listen to that thunder roar and let your spirits soar / When that love calls, open up your door [...] / No, don’t run from the coming storm, ‘cause it can’t keep a storm from coming.”

This leads us to…

Connection

General note: a blending of both genres and styles. 

“Mostly” - Vian Izak, Juniper Vale

A prelude, almost. Are you real?

“I've bought up all my dreams and sold off most my heart / I'd been lying to myself just to bury all my thoughts”

“Maybe” - The Henry Girls

The timid hope of meeting someone and realizing you feel like you’ve known them all your life. Suddenly, things might be okay.

“I feel like I should know you / I feel like we have met before [...] / And all these things that I don't really understand / Would be much simpler if you'd only hold my hand”

“Dandelion” - Heather Maloney

A moment of peace. I like to think of this as Laudna’s adoration of the natural world and its beauty. Her will to bend the laws of the world to give Imogen what she deserves. And, on a more literal level, to offer Imogen the gift of flowers because Laudna has little else to her name. This song also begins the recurring flowers-in-hair motif.

“I have nothing but these weathered hands / And I live nowhere on this wild land”

“Rain Clouds” - The Arcadian Wild

A connection over shared struggles from both sides. A mutual agreement of trust. 

“I’m being frightened by the people / They look at me like I’m a scar upon their perfect skin / Perfect to only them / I’m being shadowed by my past / Reminding me of what I was and what I could become” 

“Daylight” - Watchhouse

Realizing that this person might’ve saved you. 

“My search was unending, and my soul was bare. And darling you came to me like a midnight flare.”

“The Devil In You” - The Haunted Windchimes

The joy of being seen. Of being known. 

“I've walked a long long way it ain't new / Here I sit face to face with the devil in you / It looks a lot like someone I've spoken to / We were broken together it's true”

“Curses” - The Crane Wives

The fear that neither is good enough for the other. Basic choice? Maybe. But it’s too good to pass up. 

"Every word I say is kindling / But the smoke clears when you're around / Won't you stay with me, my darling / When my walls start burning down, down, down?”

“Wildflowers” - The Wailin’ Jennys

You deserve better. You deserve the world, and I can’t give that to you. The feeling that this is too good to be true. Surely, it can’t last. 

“Go away somewhere bright and new / I have seen no other / That compares with you”

“Bruised Feet” - Haunted Like Human

Laudna’s invitation to leave. Together. An escape from mistakes and the past. 

“Do you want to hear the stories these bruised feet could tell / ‘Cause I’ve been chasing sunrises, throwing change in wishing wells / And I’m running to and I’m running from and oh Lord knows that I ain’t done / Running for the sake of running wild, so come with me child”

Unless...

ACT 2

On the Road

“Light in the Sky” - We Banjo 3

And they’re off on a search for knowledge and freedom. 

“So if you’re lost in the night / Stuck between the demon and the knife / As it traces a line across your heart”

“Apple Pie” - Lizzie McAlpine

Transient, finding solace in one another. Home after home. How long can this last? This one has a few more references to modern things than I’d like, but I can’t pass up the vibes. 

“Every house looks the same in my dreams / Every house feels like home for a couple weeks / I've been runnin' 'round trying to find a place where I can breathe...Home is wherever you are tonight.”

“Almost Home” - Keston Cobblers Club

In search of a person, a place to settle. As long as they’re together. 

“The clouds will break the wind will brace these sails of stone / And I have never known a journey take this long / But I'm almost home”

“You and Me” - You+Me

They fit together. 

“They say everything, it happens for a reason / You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person / Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart / Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark”

“Witchcraft” - Vian Izak

I like to think Imogen is... realizing some things, and getting attached. (We all know she fell first.)

“It's witchcraft / And I've got no defense for it / The heat is too intense for it / What good would common sense for it do?”

“For My Emablmer” - Emily June

Laudna’s turn. Still seeing herself as a dead thing, a little confused by Imogen’s friendship but embracing it all the same.

“I hope you know I won't complain / If I decompose and you're to blame / Abandon your duties, lay down next to me / Grab my hand, feel no shame”

“Home to Me” - The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

Keep coming back to each other regardless of what other people think.

“How dare you love me like you've never known fear / You've got more troubles than minutes in the year / And a voice like your father's tells you nothing good's for free / Well, that may be / But you're walking home to me”

“The Moon Song” - Brittin Lane, Mitchel Morse

Foreshadowing the importance of the moon later. For now, it’s peaceful. 

“We're lying on the moon / It's a perfect afternoon / Your shadow follows me all day / Making sure that I'm okay”

“You Are My Sunshine” - Lena Hall

Contrasting the last song, when the moon becomes too much… there’s the sunshine. Specifically for Imogen constantly fighting the pull of the moon, Laudna is the sun, her spark, her light. What happens if she disappears?

“As I lay sleeping / I dreamed I held you / In my arms / When I awoke, dear / I was mistaken” 

“Two” - Sleeping At Last

These two self-sacrificial, loyal, dedicated characters. Bonus points for “I will love you without any strings attached.” A double meaning for Laudna and Delilah.

“No, I don't want to talk about myself / Tell me where it hurts / I just want to build you up, build you up / Till you're good as new”

The Campaign

“Growing Up” - Run River North

Apt for both of them as they come into their own. Growing together as they explore the world, adventure with their friends, and learn to take what comes.

“I used to close my eyes / To what stirred under my bed / Now, they're open wide / To the monsters in my head / Instead of claws, they whisper lies”

“I found my way without your help / With broken family / I'll take my breaks with my sins / Do as I do, please / With my friends 'til the end / There lies my loyalty”

“Anything Can Happen” - Tors

Imogen is being pulled. 

“But even when I start to dream / Every little piece of me / Gets a little close to the edge of darkness / I know I've been here before / Long as I'm not falling off / I'll be fine”

“Crawl In” - Upstate

Things are getting harder, but they’re seeking comfort in each other after nightmares and bad days alike. 

“Crawl in my head tonight / Read my thoughts so I don't have to speak / It's been a long, long week but I'm tryin’ / To make do and stop fussin’ and fightin’”

“Bottom of the River” - Delta Rae

The crickets chirping continue the nightmare-ish theme of the last song. However. Shit’s getting real. Holding onto each other as they sink deeper. 

“Hold my hand / Ooh it’s a long way down”

“Raise Hell” - Brandi Carlile

Can’t believe Laura Bailey beat me to this song by 2 days with her Imogen playlist. It’s the perfect mix of angsty and bluegrass-folky. Being born cursed and learning your strengths. May or may not stick because of the substantial references to Christianity, but I do love it for Imogen coming into her god-like power.

“It came upon a lightning strike / And eyes of bright clear blue”

"I'll Bend But I Won't Break" - Red Moon Road

First of all, could that band name be any more perfect? Second, this song is such a good tribute to Imogen's character. The tempo is quick; the drums like rolling thunder; and allusions to dreams, storms, the dark. "Still I will endure" calls back to the second song in Imogen's section, "I'll Endure," and "Still in the eye of the hurricane" is both great storm imagery and foreshadows "Hurricane" which is a song further down the playlist. I imagine this during Otohan Round 1, but it may shift around the playlist depending on how I feel about the flow.

"Lighting lights the sky like it's looking for me / Flashes of the forces the dark has set free / Thunder strikes the land / With the mighty heavy hand / It rocks me to my core / I won't fall down / I'll stand my ground / I'll bend but I won't break"

“Bury Me Smiling” - The Ballroom Thieves

Laudna’s second death. Love and loss. 

“I stood in silence / A mind's worth of violence / Strung me a short rope / Round my neck / A love like an old home / Breathes in these dry bones”

“Afterlife” - Haunted Like Human

Laudna on Imogen’s desperate search to get her back. Asking Imogen not to waste her time. The choice to return. I particularly love the chimes. Musical thoughts and the reflection of death. 

“So darling don’t go digging up graves / When love is lost the afterlife is a choice you gotta make / So put the nails in the coffin, let them rust in place / But darling don’t go digging up graves”

“The Mountain Song (First Dance Version)” - Tophouse

The “I would do anything for you” of it all. Resurrection. Hope. Bonus points for flower-in-hair motif.

“Well the clouds rolled in / There was lightning there was thunder there was rain / As we hid beneath our shelter / All the doubts that we had felt / Came pouring in as a flood we had to face”

“Flowers in My Hair” - Wes Reeve

Yearning. A bit of good old fashioned wanting what can’t be had. I imagine this is the last of the first Whitestone visit and the orange tree is the golden glow of the sun tree. Whitestone Andy mention? Continuing flower motif. 

“I had a dream of a boy who loved me and / We danced in the leaves of an orange tree [...] / Then I went my own way, and you crossed the highway / But just maybe someday we’ll be, my pretty”

“Haven” - We Banjo 3

The Rudius arc is kicking into gear. “You have the biggest spark of anyone I’ve ever seen” vibes. 

“The moonlight's a path we can travel down / River runs wild with what has gone before / Cast aside for new and more and more and more and more and more and more / Let me be your haven / Let me be your light”

Moon Arc

“Wax & Wane” - Alana Henderson

Oooh tension. The drama. The moon is affecting the relationship. We’re starting to see a shift to a darker mood around the Solstice and all that’s around it. Mirrors “Moon Song” - “There’s nothing I’d keep from you.” Oh yeah?

“But we bent and we broke and I meant what I spoke / And the blame game does not produce a winner / We went as far as we could go we had to go that far to know / That we had nowhere left to aim / And no one left to blame but / The moon’s wax and wane and the turn of the tide”

“The Moon Will Sing” - The Crane Wives

This reminds me of Laudna during the separation and immediately after, starting to question everything, seeing herself as dark. That extreme co-reliance. Clinging to each other. Is it a good thing? Laudna starting to lean back into Delilah’s burn. 

“The moon will sing a song for me / I loved you like the sun / Bore the shadows that you made / With no light of my own / I shine only with the light you gave me [...] / I want to feel the fire that you kept from me”

“Always You” - South for Winter

The rush of reunion. The high-pitched start, disbelief. Then: the warmth of returning to Your Person. Being able to rely on them. A bright spot. 

“Should the blood red tides run o’er / Should our nightmares all come true / Should we lose this holy war / I know there’ll still be you [...] Oh my love / The skies are growing colder / Oh, my love / I need you more than ever”

“Tether Me” - Galleaux

In addition to the obvious tether relation, they’re both feeling pulls in different directions: Imogen to the red dawn; Laudna to the darkness of her mind. Being tied to her limbs earns you more puppet symbolism, particularly after Delilah's resurgence. 

“For a moment, I was gone /  The speed of light into the red dawn / In this space, do I belong?/ It’s dark out here in my own thoughts / Pull me back out of my body / I’m tied to my limbs”

“Blood Moon” - Saint Sister

The moon sure is tempting. The pulls for both of them are getting stronger. Things are getting darker, harder, more intense. 

“And so I wonder will those scattered pits / Take root behind your cracking lips / They are always doing that [...] / The hunter’s moon was bleeding red / The night you left our thorny bed / You were always, always”

"Stay" by Haunted Like Human

I try really hard to avoid repeat artists because I feel like it keeps my bias toward one band in check. However. I'm a little convinced this artist is straight-up writing about Laudna at this point. This song isn't quite as musically dark as the other songs by the same artist that have made the playlist. It's a little more acoustic/has more guitar as a connecting bridge to Imogen. Plus, it hits all these specific marks: 1) reassuring that the voice in her head hasn't got the best of her yet 2) begging [Imogen] to stay and to not give up on her 3) apologizing for the weight of her sins and that they're not [Imogen's] to hold 4) addresses [Imogen's] feelings about the voice in Laudna's head.

"Darling you don’t hold me close the way you used to do / And I wonder what you’re thinking when I’m reaching out for you / You’re trying to be patient, yea you’re trying to be kind / But I know that you’re still running from the demons in my mind / But I promise this thing in my head / It ain’t got the best of me yet"

“If We Were Vampires” - Baggio & Hannah Kol

The looming sense that one of them won’t come back. As the end draws near, even if the upcoming fights don’t kill one of them, Imogen will out–age Laudna. 

“It's knowing that this can't go on forever / Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone / Maybe we'll get forty years together / But one day I'll be gone or one day you'll be gone”

“Hesitate” - The Harmaleighs

They’re hiding things from each other as the tension builds. 

“You keep saying you love me / You keep telling me you’re proud / But you don't know who I am / 'Cause you're not even living out loud”

“Soothsayer” - Haunted Like Human

Not gonna lie this is my favorite song on the entire playlist. It is peak Laudna-Delilah. I would quote the entire song if I could. It’s dark, thematically perfect, and haunting. It's also by the same artist as "Afterlife," Laudna's "death" song to reflect that link. I imagine this is late C3 as Laudna continues to feed Delilah. My favorite line: “The thing that you hate / Is the thing you've become.”

“There's a price to be paid / But ain't that every trade? / You're just looking for strength when you're weak / Oh you know there's a flickering darkness / And it sings out like sirens to you / Yea it's sickly sweet and elegantly violent / But these debts that you take / They will someday come due / Hungry hands reaching up / Crave for more, lust for blood”

“Hurricane” - Bandits on the Run

While still being them having to navigate their relationship in the midst of the impending end of the world, this song brings to light Imogen’s relationship with her mother, too. She meets her mother in the storm. 

“They told us run for cover / Stay close to home and mother / Don’t seek out any other”

“Chasing Twisters” - Delta Rae

It’s time. Make or break. 

“I was born with lighting in my heels / Sewed a spur onto my ankle / Bit a horse under the steel / And I lost hope when I was still so young [...] / I’ll take you to the grave / The only love I’ve ever known / The only soul I ever saved / And I went home”

Epilogue

At the time of writing, we’re around C3:E95, so from here on out this is even more so my reinterpretation or guesses about the future. I’m hoping to flesh out this section and the middle/end of Act 2. 

“Oh Mama” - honeyhoney

Our transition song. The cacophonous high of the last song into the unbelieving stillness of the piano, the end of a battle. The world has shifted. There’s no going back. 

“All covered in mud the day is done [...] / Oh mama look at my heart / I’m useless now that it’s dark / We’re praying for rain a thunder of change / And lightning to lighten my way”

“If She Ever Leaves Me” - The Highwomen

Alright, this one’s a little self-indulgent, even more so than the others. But don’t we deserve a little wholesome “we made it” energy? I think it also nicely circles back to and reflects the shift away from the early-on Laudna "I'm not good enough for her; she's going to leave me" vibes we get in songs like "Dandelion," "Curses," "Stay," and even "For My Embalmer."

“I’ve loved her in secret / I’ve loved her out loud / The sky hasn’t always been blue [...] / She loves wild horses and tumbling dice”

“The Time for Flowers” - Emily Scott Robinson

The bookend and parallel to “Dandelion” from much, much earlier. This time, from Imogen’s perspective. Conclusion and continuation of flowers motif. “The skies are clear now. The moon is new.”

“I came upon a woman in a field on her knees / Singing ancient songs and sowing wildflower seeds / Tell me what the point in planting pretty things / In these days of darkness and disease [...] I have witnessed funerals and wars / Worried mothers, empty shelves, and empty stores / The storms will rage and the winds will blow / You are gonna find out that you're stronger than you know”

“Dance in the Graveyards” - Delta Rae

I always knew I was going to end the playlist with this song. It perfectly mirrors “Old Churchyard,” the first of Laudna’s songs. It's also by the same artist as the "climax" of the playlist. The drums give me Laudna, while the folksy sound gives me Imogen. Finding joy in death, in life, in love. Life will go on, new friends and old will come and go. And that’s alright. She’s happy. They’re happy. 

“When I die, I don’t wanna rest in peace / I wanna dance in joy / I wanna dance in the graveyards, the graveyards / And while I’m alive, I don’t wanna be alone / Mourning the ones who came before”

If you're listening to the playlist on a loop, you'll return to "Stories." It reminds us that it was all just a story. It will happen again. Stories and characters and people will move us, make us feel and hurt and love. It is an ending just as much as a new beginning.

[idontplaytrack]

Crying in the grocery store

Jos Cleary-Lopez x fem! reader

Warnings: coarse language, angst, fluff, implied domestic violence/abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

“Loving me gets messy.”

— Reneé Rapp, Messy

You’ve had this horrible sense of dread for the past three days. You simply could not shake it off, until this morning. You were at work when you abruptly got flooded with messages by your Mother about how you Dad was going off on a tangent about how he hated the home, how he hated the family, photos of the apartment — trashed. As always, that endless stream of texts from your Mother would progress to ones that blamed you for past mistakes that you thought had been hashed out.

But apparently not. You had too high of hopes for them, it seems. They never failed in making you feel like the worst person on earth when all you’ve been trying to do, was your best. There it was. The dread, the dread that your body just somehow knew to have and prepare you for this.

“…y/n.” You heard a voice by your ear.

You blink rapidly, trying to snap out of your daze.

“y/n! Aísle 7, clean up.” A voice cut through your mind, you focused on his face, “Then put out new shirts in the Kids’ section. Sam doesn’t want to do it.”

“…Okay.” You swallowed painfully, “I— I’ll do that.”

“Go, do it.” He gestured dramatically, glaring at you. Tears prick at your eyes as you turned on your heel and got on with your tasks. “And while you’re at it, wrap up that nasty gash on your arm.”

While you mopped up the spilled slushy, your mind was once again racing and filled with your Dad’s yelling. You didn’t even have to physically be there to hear it, not today. It happens so frequently that you could recite his words, but they bothered you deeply nonetheless.

“y/n, Daniel says you have to cover for Jace in the cafe 4-7pm. He had to leave.”

“He had to leave?” You repeated, in disbelief. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to let out the frustration, “Okay, yeah. I’ll be over at the cafe area at 4.”

You were supposed to get off work at 4. You started at 8:30. You could only sigh and carry on, you needed this job, because you needed money. So really, more hours of work was a good thing.

Countless clean ups, restocks and entitled customers— and some crying later, you were finally at 4pm, getting a slight change in your environment in the supermarket’s cafe. At least you just had three hours to go, right?

Oh, no. You’d forgotten to reply to Jos’ text message. She'd texted you to confirm what time you were getting off work. So right now, you quickly got your phone out from your pocket to text her that you'd be getting off at 7pm. A customer walks towards the counter, you slid your phone back into your pocket.

"Hi! What may I get you today?"

"Hey, can I get the BLT without the tomato?"

"Sure thing." You were faking your enthusiasm, not wanting to get caught and reprimanded by your manager Daniel for 'not serving customers with a smile'.

Once the customer had left, you let out a sigh, and then you were honestly just pretending to be busy for a few minutes until another customer came up to the counter. When dinnertime rolled around, that's when a line formed at the cafe. A little line, which you had a love-hate relationship with. It made time pass faster since you were actually doing something with barely a pause, but when it was truly crowded, your brain would honestly short circuit and there had been a couple times where you'd fucked up a customer's orders. But thanks to those 'experiences', you've been learning and eventually went on autopilot mode once it gets busy.

"Nora, I need this iced, please." You handed the drink back.

"Oh, shit." She mutters, "I'm sorry." "You're good, just remake it and they're good to go. We don't have a line now."

You turned back to look at the clock on the wall— 6:32pm. Thank goodness you'd be able to get out soon.

As Norah handed the correct drink to the customer with an apology, you excused yourself to go use the restroom. "Sure, are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course." With that, you slip away to the back. Sitting on the toilet, you took the chance to check your phone.

Another text from Jos. 17 minutes ago to be exact. God, you hope she wasn’t mad at you.

Sliding your phone back into your pocket, you did your business, washed your hands and went back out onto the floor. 21 minutes to home time. Well, you were going over to Jos’ home. You could not be home right now. Or ever, preferably. It was…dangerous.

————

With your backpack lazily slung over your shoulder, you exited the store. Feet aching, head pounding, and having at least a handful of new bruises or cuts— thanks to your own clumsiness at work or from home for other reasons…

When your vision finally came into focus, you spot Jos’ car. It drives up to you and stops, you get in. Jos leaned over to kiss you on the cheek. While you appreciated and loved the affection, you could not react. You were so tired and she knew it, so she wasn’t upset about it.

“Mom made your favourite.” Jos says as she started to drive away from your workplace.

“That’s nice.” You said, your voice nearly a mumble. “I need to stay over at your place, Jos. Likely for awhile. Is that okay?”

“y/n, of course that’s okay. You can stay for as long as you want to.” Jos promised. “Do you want to listen to some music, baby?”

“It’s okay.” You shook your head no, then leaned it against the window.

“Okay.” Jos nodded, her hand carefully placed on your thigh.

Your eyes fluttered shut a little while later, the exhaustion taking over your body. Jos wakes you up when you two got to her house. She only shook you gently, but you jumped, absolutely startled to your core.

She was equally shocked and worried by your reaction, her hand that she placed on your arm to shake you awake was swiftly retracted, balled into a fist.

Without saying a word, you opened the front passenger door and got out. Jos gets out of the car too after turning the engine off. Jos unlocks the front door and you entered immediately, making your way up to her room. You had ignored every single person on your way. And they sensed that something was going on so they didn’t bother you with any other questions, letting you go upstairs as you wished. You didn’t see Jos until a few minutes later: she’d brought you and herself a plate of food each.

“Get changed, and let’s eat. Hm?” She sets down the tray on her desk and got you her clothes to change into: A hoodie and a pair of sweatpants.

You quietly did so then sat on her mattress, “I’m tired.”

“I know, baby. That’s okay.”

You sighed softly, turning to face her wanting to tell her something but decided not to. You took a sharp inhale and said, “Let’s eat.”

The meal proceeded in silence. The whole time, you were debating whether or not to talk to Jos about what was going on at home. It was right at the tip of your tongue, you needed to get at least some of it out of your system because it has been weighing down on you to the point where you were on the verge of tears at any given moment. Yes, even at work. You were literally just crying in the grocery store today.

After finishing your food, you brought your plate and cutlery downstairs to wash them. “Sweetie.” Margot came up next to you, “If you need to talk about anything, I’m here to listen, I’m here to help.”

“Okay.”

What else could you say?

‘Say it, tell her. Tell her now.’ A little voice rang through your head, growing louder each time that sentence repeated itself. He deserves to be punished.

“I can’t go home.” You said quietly, drying the plate with a small rag. “It’s not safe, I…don’t feel safe.”

“You can stay here with us, y/n. Do not go back there. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Margot replied, seemingly getting what you meant so quickly. “Are you able to tell me more, sweetie?”

You took a deep breath, licking your drying lips, “I don’t know.” You put the dried cutlery back in its drawer, then turned around, leaning again the countertop as you stood.

“I get it.” Margot continues, “If you’re not ready to tell me any more, you don’t have to force yourself. What matters to me is that you’re safe, so please stay here and do not go back to your house.”

“Thank you.” You swallowed your tears.

“Do you want to cover up that gash?” She notices it. Shit. You forgot about that.

“Okay.” Your cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.

“Sit down.” She says softly, “I’ll help you with that.”

Margot grabbed the first aid kit and helped you clean the wound again, you seethed, fidgeting uncomfortably in your seat as she finished it off. Jos came down around this moment to check on you. “Oh, good. There you are, I was wondering what was taking you so long.” She sits down beside you.

“Do you have any other…wounds?” Margot asks apprehensively.

You only shook your head.

“Alright.”

After that was done, you were back upstairs with Jos again, ready to go to bed and for this day to be over. Jos brushed her teeth first while you were laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling trying not to fall asleep. “You gotta brush your teeth first, baby.” She laughs, “C’mon.”

You dragged yourself out of bed and to the bathroom, accepting the toothbrush she’d just held out for you. Naturally, she was done with her routine first so she was waiting for you in bed while you were washing the facial cleanser off your face and drying it off.

You climbed into her bed and laid on her directly, your cheek on her chest and one hand on the surface while the other hung off her side, you kind of just…straddled her. Reflexively, she combed her hand through your hair, giving you soothing head scratches at the same time.

“Jos?” You ask, voice cracking.

“Hm?” She hums, the motions of her hand still consistent.

“I wanna cry.” You revealed quietly.

“That’s okay.” Jos said back, “Go ahead, baby. You are safe here with me. Okay? Let it all out.” Her hand on your head smoothly moves down to rub your back, and as if on cue, the tears you have been attempting to swallow all day, spills from your eyes. But, you were still keeping quiet, not wanting to make any noise.

With Jos silently rubbing your back and pressing occasional kisses to your head, that’s somehow all you needed to feel truly safe and secure to feel what you needed to feel. After enough time, you eventually only felt sleepy, thanks to her calming presence and what she was doing. “Feel better?”

You nodded, mumbling a soft ‘yeah’.

“Are you comfortable like this with the bandage on your arm?” Jos asks, you could feel her eyes on you intensely,

“I am.” You sniffed, breathing out shakily as your fingers picked at a frayed little string on her tank top.

Jos kisses you on your head for the umpteenth time this evening, “Good. Think you could get some sleep, baby?”

“Mm.” You mumbled incoherently, but nodded so she knew what you meant after all.

“Good night, baby.” She smiles to herself, watching your little action of picking at the string on her top, eyes so focused on the material. “I love you.”

Those three words cause a painful lump in your throat to arise, swallowing the almost-too-rapidly forming tears, you said ‘I love you’ back.

“And thank you.” You gnawed on your lower lip, “For…everything.”

“No need to thank me, y/n.” She replied honestly, “I love you, I care about you. That’s all you need to know, to remember. I’ll always be here for you, just like you have been for me, even though it could be hard for you to do so on some days.”

You didn’t say anything but listened, focusing on the warmth of her palm against your back, slowly but surely getting coaxed to sleep.

“Just close your eyes, go to sleep. Rest. No one’s gonna hurt you here, baby. I’m right here with you.”

🏷️Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @ludoesartandstuff @pda128

[uhardite]

my no-fail guide to deal with a breakup

hey bbg, if you are reading this post bc you need it, i wish you all the strength and support to get through this. dont worry, coming from a person who has had her share of *bad* breakups, this feeling wont last very long, you will feel better soon, i love you <3

reminder: this is what i personally do, it may not work for everyone, others may have different ways to deal with it, and thats completely fine! be sure to give yourself the love and care you need while getting through this bad phase x

stage 1

cry. cry your heart out. take as long as you need to express all the negative emotions you are feeling. write down reasons why he/she was not the one for you. write down what you still feel for that person. then tear it and throw it in the trash. block that person from all your socials, resist the urge to see how they are doing, stay in your room for as long as you need. cut off your ex and their circle completely, take time for yourself, talk to people who can support and comfort you, and discourage you from being impulsive. if you feel like you wont get through this, just remember to keep pushing for one week. one week, thats all im asking from you. chances are, you will recover enough by one week to start thinking rationally about this, without bursting into tears or feeling extreme sadness. this is the hardest part, but the good thing is, it takes the least time to get through. so hold on and you will get better <3

stage 2

did you have a proper conversation with your ex while breaking up? were you both honest about the mistakes you made, things you could have done better, why your relationship didnt work out? if not, now may be a good time to have a heart-to-heart. if you had a bad breakup and dont trust your ex to be honest about themselves, you may simply ask them to be honest about specific things that affected you, then listen to their side of the story and leave. HOWEVER, do not do this if you feel unsafe around them. also, remember that the goal is to get closure, to find an explanation and move on, not to get back together. if he/she was meant for you, they would come back in your life at the right time. right now, taking some time for yourself and reflecting is more important at the present. acknowledge that you have experienced something new, accept all that you can learn from it, and move ahead. now is the time to get into new hobbies, routines, making new friends, and keeping yourself busy. stop listening to sad music, work on pending assignments, projects, study for any upcoming exams in advance, start working out, do something silly each day that makes you happy, keep going

stage 3

at this stage, you will rarely be thinking of your ex, you will be occupied by new thoughts and feelings and experiences, and a lot more comfortable by now. dont be too troubled if memories come flooding back, they are just passing feelings, they dont signify anything. you might also feel lonely around this time, or wish to date again, and although i personally dont like to date until i have moved on completely, it's perfectly fine to date someone as a rebound. however, keep in mind that dating should not cause you drama, and you should be clear about committment and feelings with the other person. dating someone as your rebound shouldnt hurt them, nor you. if you want to date to show your ex that you can do better than them, stop right there. this isnt about getting their attention, this is about you moving on

stage 4

we have reached the final stage! now is the time to strengthen your current relationships, friendships, stay consistent with your progress, take time to deeply reflect, and keep growing. relationships can be learning experiences when you treat them like one, where you learn about yourself as well as about other people. having the right mindset will help you in your future relationships as well. im proud of you and you've got this xx

[khaire-traveler]

Hi, there! First of anything, I hope you had a wonderful day!

I have a question that could be kinda personal so please, feel free to not answer if you do not wish to. The main reason I'm asking you this is because you're one of my current fav blogs.

Could you share us how did you started to post here? And what made you take the decision to share your thoughts and experiences?

I've been wanting to start a blog about my practice lately, but I'm so scared of doing things wrong in the aspect of being disrespectful due to lack of information.

Thank you so much in advance! ✨

Hey, Nonny!

I don't mind the questions at all! I'm glad to hear you like my blog. c:

This response is a bit long, so I'm going to add "read more".

I forget how long ago I started this blog, but I believe it's been at least one year now? It may be two, but I'm unsure. I had a blog before this one that posted similar content. It wasn't as "popular", and at the time when I ran that other blog, I was healing through a lot of trauma. I deleted that blog due to some unsavory people I had met there; it just became too overwhelming at that time.

After about a year and a half, I created this blog. I missed having a community to talk to about my religion, even if no one really interacted with me. No one in my life, at that time, followed my religion, and if they did, they didn't worship any of the same gods. I wanted to have others to talk to that I could share my love for the gods with. I wanted to share some lessons I had learned, too. I felt a lot more ready to run a blog about my religion. It felt safer to do so, and I was much more confident in my practice than I had been. My relationships with my gods had grown, and so had I. Finally, my dear companion, @broomsick , inspired me to create this blog and rejoin Tumblr.

I was actually very hesitant to share my experiences again at the start. On my first blog, some people had weaponized my experiences against me and fueled some major anxiety issues I had at the time. So on this blog, I was very careful with what I shared. Frankly, I still am, but I'm much more open to sharing things I've experienced than I was.

My advice to you is to keep some things sacred and hold them close to your heart. It makes those experiences all the more special when you don't feel pressured to share them with others. My next advice is to start by sharing your random thoughts about your gods and experiences. It might sound silly, but over time, I've found that people enjoy hearing what others have to say. Many things I've posted here have grown alongside my real-life practice. Even now, I'll sometimes come across an older post of mine and see my progress. It's very encouraging when you're able to look back at how far you've come. Another piece of advice I have for you is to post for yourself, not for others. Make sure what you're posting are things you genuinely enjoy sharing, things that you actually want to post. Never feel pressured to post things you don't want to post simply because someone else requests it.

The most important advice of all that I have is for you to do it, and do it scared. It makes you nervous? Go for it anyway. You'll never know what it'll be like until you try. Taking risks is a difficult thing to do, but you could have so many wonderful experiences if you choose to take them, and even though this is just Tumblr, there's no telling what kind of connections and discoveries you could make by creating that blog! If you're new, that's great! Share what you're learning as you learn it, and as I mentioned above, you can look back and see how far you've come in the future and feel proud of it. I don't think it's disrespectful to share your thoughts and experiences, even if you realize you were wrong later on. Your practice will grow as you become more and more comfortable with it, and it's only natural that we say things now that we disagree with later. When we grow, we change, and so do our beliefs.

I say to give it a try and see if you enjoy posting! If not, you can always change your mind. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision.

I hope this answered your questions well. I also hope that the advice I shared is helpful to you. Take care, Nonny, and may you have fun on your new adventure, wherever it takes you! 🧡

[parad-ice-lostandfound]

Things that come in my head as I play through Diasomnia's chapter (chp 38-55):

[Potential spoilers below darlings, proceed with caution!]

Am I ready for this? Hell no. Do I know I will regret everything? Yes. Am I still gonna try to finish everything in one day? Yep. Let's go!

Ortho??? Calling from RSA??? Is this Idia's dream? Malleus?! Cute to see him taking care of Drago but like the tiny details showing that its actually a dream? And Idia's catching on! Slowly but hey, progress is still progress! It's also nice to see how things could be different if og Ortho was still around.

Where are we? Why are there terrifying ghost like things on the windows? Is this Ramshackle dorm before it became, well, Ramshackle as we know it now? I am so confused now lol– Wait we're in Mickey's room?! How'd we get on the other side of the mirror? We're all having an out of body experience... I dunno how to feel about that tbh.

Silver! My baby's here! And we get to see his UM!

Have I ever told you guys how much I like Malleus' humming? Cause I like it very much. But anyways... we're in cyberspace now...? Oh Ortho! Ortho's awake! Poor baby's trying so hard to wake up his brother.

It's kinda scary seeing how powerful Malleus is. Like, to the point where he can force even Styx issued gear into shut down mode, he's seriously overpowered. Can't wait to see Idia continue the trend and become the hero in this tale, but there's a lot of heart ache we need to go through before we reach that point so, best of luck to all our poor hearts.

I wonder if there's any particular significance to the fact that the time is stopped at 9:18.

So we finally meet Idia's dad, huh? His helmet reminds me of Hades' Helm of Darkness. And we meet his mom as well. A lot of technical stuff and lore drop that went a bit over my head, but it's fine! We'll be fine!

Seems like eccentricity is the middle name of the Shroud family. Then again all geniuses are a bit eccentric. Poor idia, his mom definitely snooped through password protected folders. I would riot if my parents ever snooped through my laptop, so I can't wait for him to wake up and proceed to lose his shit over it lmao

Ortho's Cerberos gear and the two support droids are so cool! The little family moment is cute, but I hope this isn't a death flag for poor Ortho because I've seen too much of that trope– Now we're back with the Prefect! Ngl, Silver's kinda hot when he orders us around.

Dreams are a very tricky subject, so I don't blame Silver for not knowing much about how his UM works. That being said, I'm ready to learn a little more about Sebek, now that we're in his dream. I'm not his biggest fan atm, but... let's see. I'm hoping my perspective on him changes because he seems like a fun character to explore.

.... Something about the way he calls us human just pisses me off lmao. But we will be keeping an open mind. I will come to love you Sebek (yes it is a threat)

I feel terrible for Silver. Imagine looking at people you've known your entire life, two of them people you look up to and one you've trained alongside, and seeing strangers. Strangers who live in a fairy tale, who want you to join them and live happily ever after, sacrificing your freedom and responsibilities of the real world for an ideal ending. Who wouldn't want to take that chance? Making the choice to go against them, for their own good, is the most difficult thing to do in this situation. Raising your weapon against the one you trained your whole life to protect, fighting against someone who was once your comrade-in-arms.... it's terribly heartbreaking. But, hey, at least we got Sebek to wake up.

EHY IS MALLEUS SO FUCKING OP DIFVDHDGDJSVDVDJD B DHFDUSJDHS?!?!?!?!?

We... we're in Lilia's dream now.... brb, gotta get some tissues and get ready for emotional damage–

It's nice to see Silver taking the lead and being the dependable one. Also, General Lilia!! Been waiting for him since I got spoilers back when I was stuck in Ignihyde's book. I love how his hair transitions from being long and having red streaks to short and cute with pink streaks. Long hair is often associated, at least in my culture, with maturity and a sense of responsibility, while short hair is more fun and child-like. Similarly, red is an intense colour, while pink could technically be seen as a softer, gentler cousin to it. It shows Lilia's change from a warrior to caregiver and I think it's really neat. I just wish he could have seen him in a more adult-like form in the past.

[sharpth1ng]

Sorry if this is a weird ask but I’ve recently lost my billy person and im wondering how to move on. We were almost exactly how you write them except for the obvious so i was hoping for some insight. As of now i dont feel like a person with him not in my life anymore.

Hey so I'm probably not the ideal relationship/ breakup advice giver but I'm gonna do my best.

First of all I want to say that from what I've written so far Stu deserves better than what Billy is giving him. He deserves communication, reciprocity and expressions of care that Billy isn't emotionally mature enough to give at this point in the story, and you deserve that too.

Second, my breakup recovery formula has two steps:

Feel whatever you're feeling

Sadness, anger, loss, literally whatever you're feeling you need to let yourself have that. If you're like me it's really tempting to just stuff that shit down and bury it but doing that just makes it explode out of you later. So you need to vent, write it out, draw angsty stuff, go for long walks listening to your most emo song selection. Whatever feels right for you to let that shit out, just try not to take it out on yourself. You don't deserve that.

It also helps to treat yourself. Have special snacks, take a hot bath if you like those. Let yourself play video games for a whole day if that's something you do. Basically just indulge yourself in a positive way.

2. Figure out who you are on your own and who you want to be

Honestly that's the best advice I can give to anyone, whether or not you're going through a breakup or the loss of a friendship. It's a lot easier to build a healthy connection when you know and feel (at least mostly) secure in yourself. It can be hard to get there and it's alright to be a work in progress, but there's nothing scarier than being in state where you need someone else to define you. That makes you vulnerable to manipulation and in my experience it also just makes me weird and paranoid in the relationships I do have.

Figuring out who you are can mean a lot of stuff because there's a lot of things you can be, but basically you just start trying things. Make a list of stuff you've always wanted to try. Pick up a new hobby, learn a new skill, join a group or community. Sometimes it can be good to join an activist group or take part in some kind of collective action- helps you feel connected and like you're making a positive change outside of yourself.

You can also try out a new clothing style, try listening to some new music, just give yourself a dose of stuff that's somewhat new to you. You don't have to stick to any of it and you don't have to like it all, but trying shit gives you opportunities to get to know yourself more, what you like and don't like for its own sake as opposed to what anyone else thinks of it.

This shit takes time and it's not easy, but nothing lasts forever, including sadness. You'll get through it, you'll figure yourself out better, and eventually you'll move on, whether that's on your own or with someone else.

Regardless, I hope you're doing alright right now. Just take it one step at a time, you'll be ok <3

[properparadox]

A look back at 2023

I rarely wrote anything here nowadays. Having someone to talk to really changed a lot. But hey, this has been a tradition, so let's look back at 2023.

The year started slow, at least for several days, until  I was told to attend a Welding Inspector course. At that time, it had been years since I even hold an electrode holder. Suddenly everything changed. Until the end of March, my days were filled with classes and practice, for six days a week, 10 hours a day. The course were finished, and now I am an IWIP, probably (I haven't even received the diploma, but I wasn't invited for the retest).

This year, I went back and forth between Bandung, Solo and Purwokerto, to meet the love of my life. She graduated this August after such a struggle, so that was great.

Even though I still had less than two years in this job, I became a speaker on two different events. One for a Failure Analysis forum, and the other for a Solidworks event. After finishing my Welding Inspector course, I was also asked to teach the next batch of WI students on Destructive Testing module. For these experiences, I still need to learn a lot on how to speak in front of many people. Especially when teaching, I felt that I messed up on the timing and flow of the class.

Then, my first in-situ metallography job! And the second, and third, and fourth. They were tiring, sometimes we had to work nights, but those were interesting nonetheless.

On that family issue, I think it was pretty much finished, after spending quite a lot of money. Tho perhaps some help is still needed in the future. Oh, and shits still happened. Of course, that single person fucked up.

And all of a sudden, my relationship with @vanilachocolate progressed quite far. Hopefully everything will be a smooth sailing next year *fingers crossed*.

Writing this, I realized that a lot, and I mean A LOT, has happened this year. But again and again, I kept feeling that I didn't really grow much. I still feel lost, having no idea on where to go and what to do to improve myself. The department where I work at now is in a mess, and I'm having a hard time to move on from my previous job. I even attended a webinar that was not related at all to my current job, just because it had some relation to my previous one (the webinar was about Industrial Design). Even I had this crazy idea, to get certified as a national IP consultant, and perhaps I can return to my previous career. It was a very long shot, but honestly, I'm not sure about anything else.

When I finished typing this, light earthquake shook. The second time today. Before various dark thoughts come, let me close this year by wishing that 2024 will be a kind year for all of us here.

[bladespromotedpawn]

"Mareeta!"

Nanna had the faintest hope that the young woman would be here—sharing the same soul, the same face as her dearest childhood friend. Though time had ruptured, leaving Mareeta the eldest of the Fiana residents, this was not enough to phase Nanna in the least. So what if her friend had grown up without her (such sorrows were not hers to have.) Instead, she smiled so gently, even silk could envy it. "Every time I see you, I am reminded of home. I'm always happy to have you."

"Let's walk and talk. We can people watch from the second floor, if you so please?"

Nanna sighed, wrapping one arm around her friend's. "How have you been? What adventures have colored your life since I last saw you?"

"Sure, works for me."

Time... was weird, from her experiences here in Fodlan, so far. Thracia had been developing in her time - she would know, she helped with Leif's efforts after the fact to quell a few dissidents to the new, peaceful peninsula... and yet, when she arrived, those from home were just at the tipping point. So much time spent alone... and yet, to others, she just had left on her work of perfecting her blade.

"And for what adventures I've had?"

Mareeta chuckles as she walks, arm in arm with Nanna, a glimmer in her eyes, hair flowing in the slight breeze flowing through the open dance area.

"You'd never believe some of them. Fully fledged merc now. Taken apprentices, fought for all sorts of past allies, but... mostly been on my own. No offense to your company, mind!"

Head shakes, Mareeta ducks, laughing as she walks up to a balcony overlooking the others at the dance. Gods... she missed this. She knew her quest needed to be alone, but... man. She missed this.

"I adored your company - but my focus needed to be my blade. I needed to get better - and I did. Not quite as far as I know I can go... so I'm here now - both trying new learning techniques myself, and... well, teaching more. I never kept students long when I was on my own, this feels like a better way to teach."

Of course, the tradeoff was these students felt like much worse at start, but, hey, pros and cons. She could make them able to fight. She could, and she would.

"I mean, it's funny how things turned out, though - I could officially teach you, for crying out loud! Picked up some techniques I think would be cool to see you use, too."

After all, 7 years with just your blade, a good drink, and fortunes to make as a sellsword teaches you even more about you and your blade. If she could teach her past self these... ooh, she'd have been able to make so much faster progress.

[docgold13]

Hey doc my family is going through a hard time now. My father had a major psychotic episode while on vacation in Kentucky. He's been back for a few weeks. A few days ago he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. We are all shocked. He is 63 with no history of psychosis. I always knew he had untreated adhd but how he acts now is so different. It came really suddenly so I didn't understand that's how schizophrenia is. When I was a teenager me and him would get in arguments and I would yell at him saying he's being paranoid. But I never thought it was part of a mental illness. I feel bad for him right now cuz he is so withdrawn, I don't know how to talk to him now. I also feel bad about my mom who is retiring 4 months early to take care of him. All while before this he mistreated her and would yell and berate her. So at least he seems incapable of yelling right now. I'm just so confused and I don't really understand schizophrenia.

That sounds awful.  Sorry to hear that you and your family is going through such a harrowing time.  

Yeah, schizophrenia is a really confusing and scary matter.  The mind is a surprisingly delicate piece of machinery and a minor imbalance, some cross of wires or too much of one neurochemical and not enough of another can lead to a situation wherein reality just doesn’t make sense any more.  

Late-onset schizophrenia is diagnosed with any patient over the age of 45. People identified with late-onset schizophrenia frequently experience more ‘positive’ symptoms (like delusions and hallucinations) and are much less likely to have ‘negative symptoms’ (such as disorganized thoughts, impaired learning, or trouble understanding information).

In most instances there will be some irrational belief or conviction that someone or some thing is plotting against them, that the person is in trouble for some mysterious reason and has to be on guard against potential threats to their safety or wellbeing.  These kinds of persecutory delusions are why this kind of schizophrenia is referred to as a ‘paranoid subtype.’  It’s the most common subtype of schizophrenia as well as the one with the best longterm prognosis.  

Neuroleptic medications help greatly reduce the delusional thinking and progress can be accelerated by combining medication treatment with psychotherapy.  

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey i hope this isn't weirdbut i hate our host and i want to. not. do that

i feel like he took my chance of life away from me, of being normal, of having a nice life with my brothers (<- introject) and it's really hard to get along. i don't know what to do. im so frustrated i could cry

Our response got quite long, so it’s going under a cut to spare others from having to scroll a bunch - hope that’s okay!

Hi! This is definitely not weird to ask. We have some members in our system who are in a very similar situation! They’re still working through this and trying to process their feelings, but we can share what we’ve learned from our therapist and other systems and through communicating with each other!

(Note: We come from a DID perspective. Most of our advice we’ve learned through treatment and from fellow DID/OSDD systems. We’re not sure what kind of system y’all are, but this advice may be more applicable for traumagenic systems than nontraumagenic ones. We’ll try to include a few notes on what may help a system without trauma, but that’s not our experience! So sorry!)

Okay so for systems with dissociative disorders, it’s important for all parts/alters/headmates to remember that there is no “original,” no “core,” and no “main headmate.” The host is a system member just like everyone else. In many systems, a host cannot help that they front the most and it is usually outside of their control.

If your system has roles, it may be good to remember that each of you was formed with a purpose that was assigned by your brain. It’s not your host’s fault that they were chosen or formed to be the host.

We’ll also remind y’all about the nature of dissociative disorders. They function by hiding trauma and signs of the disorder from the headmates who front every day and handle daily functioning. So your host may have gone most of their life without ever knowing the rest of your system existed! And it’s not fair to hold something against your host that they were never aware of until y’all’s syscovery.

Additionally, many systems are unable to control switches, at least not at first. So even if your host was aware of y’all, it’s asking a lot to expect them to instantly know how to switch out and manage time so that all headmates who want to front are able to. We’ve heard of systems that are able to control switches, but we haven’t met one personally! So your host likely isn’t actually taking away your chance at life. Until y’all have made progress in building trust and communication, it may be challenging for anyone in your system to control a switch, let alone the host!

It’s great that you recognize your dislike for the host and want to change! We’re also wondering if you can verbalize (to yourself, your therapist, or a trusted loved one/headmate) what feelings exactly are making up the hate. Is it jealousy? Resentment? Disappointment? Frustration? Understanding the specifics of your emotions and what you’re feeling can help you learn how to properly process and regulate them.

If you’re comfortable, perhaps try letting the host know your feelings. If switching isn’t an issue for y’all, maybe you can express how you feel like you aren’t able to front as often as you’d like, and ask if it would be possible for you to spend a bit more time in control of the body. This can allow you to invest in your interests and learn to enjoy experiencing life!

You mentioned you’re an introject - you also may benefit from examining your source and how it relates to you. If connecting with your source is causing you more pain and distress, it may be worth it to attempt some sort of source separation. The painful fact of the matter is that you exist here and now, within the system you belong to. Shifting your focus to what you can control and caring about those who are close to you may help mitigate harm and resentment towards other members of your system.

Perhaps this advice may help you regardless of your origins, or it may not. We’re sorry if these words haven’t been encouraging or helpful!

We will say this:

If you are a created headmate, it may be worth it to remind your host that you are here, breathing, sentient and alive. You deserve agency and autonomy. You are not an imaginary friend, you are not simply a “silly brain friend,” even if you were created consciously or unconsciously without trauma. Your life has value and is not inherently worth less than another member of your system’s. Agency means you should be able to have some power over your situation and choose what happens to you. Autonomy means you should have the freedom of making your own decisions that impact your life. Both of these are important for members of any system of any sort!

A therapist may be able to help you navigate these difficult feelings much better than we can. So if you’re in therapy, this may be an excellent topic to bring up!

Basically:

1) being open and honest,

2) standing up for yourself,

3) not assuming the worst in each other,

4) recognizing that being in a system can be complicated and difficult for everyone, and

5) learning emotional regulation

combined, these things may be able to help you reach a better understanding of yourself and your host, and help you deal with some of your negative feelings as a result!

Sorry this got so long… best of luck to you with everything!!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

[giacosketch]

Hello! I Graduated!!

Hey, hi again. It's been a bit since my last update, but I wanted to share what I've been up to since you last saw me.

So, let's rewind to a few months ago for my last post. That was a school project I had to do, but I want to take this blogging thing kinda seriously to keep track of my work and career progress. So, jumping to now, I finally decided to get off my ass and make a new post! Anyway, let's talk about the meat and potatoes of the post: my graduation from the Seneca College (or Polytechnic) Diploma of Illustration program!

I've been in school for a LONG time now. I started in Art Fundamentals (or 'fundies' as I'll refer to it) at Sheridan College back in 2016. Then, after some hiccups and a few failed classes here and there, I took a year off. I then reapplied to Fundamentals and redid that so I could get the credits needed to get into Sheridan's famous Animation program! After two attempts (one during my first round of Fundamentals, and the other during the second), I finally got into the Animation program! But after some more failed classes and hiccups, paired with being held back a year and the beginning of the COVID-19 Pandemic, I just ended up dropping out of the course, cursing the name of Sheridan College, and taking yet another year off to ride out the pandemic and see where things would take me. This takes us to 2022 when I applied to Seneca College for their animation program and their illustration program. Now, you may be asking, "But if you're gunning for animation, why did you switch to Illustration???" and to that, I say 'I needed something to change'.

I initially went to art school to pursue comics and MAYBE storyboarding because I thought it was cool. It wasn't until some chats with tutors and classmates that I switched to animation. I was hesitant at first, and the more I look back, the more I think I just wasn't ready for that kind of work. But I did it anyway, and turns out, while I do like animating, I don't like animation school (at least not yet).

So, after a few weeks of waiting, I got an update from Seneca! I did not get into the animation program, BUT I was accepted into the illustration program. I took this as a sign to pivot and try something I wanted to do from the start. Who knows, I might like it! So, I accepted my offer and again, after SOME hiccups and a few failed classes, I… I graduated… I actually did it, I graduated college, and it DIDN'T suck!

I won't bore you with the full details, but my experience at Seneca was really good! With my past knowledge of art school and generally knowing the structure of assignments and the deadlines, I was able to manage my time and my work while also experimenting with new mediums and techniques I was too scared to try before. I went in with the mindset of 'Well, I paid for it, might as well try'.

I kid you not, that carried me through this program, even when I didn't want to do the work.

So, after an amazing 5 semesters (I was held back one) and the amazing crit and help I got from my professors, I got to the end game of making a four-image set piece for the Illustration Grad show. This is the program's thesis project, which basically everything you learn leads up to. The show went amazing, my family and friends all came out to cheer me on. My classmates won awards for their beautiful artwork, and after an amazing week of the show and a great reception night, it was all over. The college ride came to an end, and I can now hold my head up high and say…

"I graduated college."

TLDR: I went to Sheridan College for some time, messed around and failed. Then I applied to Seneca College for their animation or illustration program. Got into illustration and had a great time, then I graduated!

Full visual Timeline*:

*This timeline is leaving out some important things that happened but for the sake or simplicity and privacy, I left that stuff out.

OK so that was A LOT to take in and read, how about we talk about some art!

So I said I got my work into the Illustration Grad show and I bet you're wondering 'What was the work you did?'

this is it!

INVISABLE

11 x 17 cream text paper

Risograph Print

(and here is my artist statement I wrote to accompany the piece:)

Change is a force all around us. We see it in our everyday lives and experience it within our minds. Both the invisible and visible change controls us. I’ve experienced it a lot during my time in school, both artistically and emotionally, and I've seen my family and friends change from once familiar nostalgic forms, into mature and responsible beings. 

INVISIBLE brings creatures from our deep past,(Microraptor, Tiktaalik, Smilodon, and Australopithecus) and inserts them into our modern era in familiar settings. We think of these animals as things from a time long forgotten, or as museum specimens, but without the past, the present just wouldn’t come to be. Their lives, and struggles shaped us and molded the very ground beneath us. We are our past, just as much as we are our future.

Pretty fancy, eh? I wanted to really put on my artist cap for this one, and I honestly had a blast making it.

Each of the skeletons shown is drawn as ACCURATELY as I can make them. I referenced skeletal diagrams, research papers, and I reached out to some paleo mutuals and Discord servers for some critique. Oh, and you may be wondering why Risograph. To be honest, it's really just because of the aged look of the ink. I wanted a semi-museum quality to the final product, and Risograph just felt right to me. Shout out to the amazing Colour Code Printing for the excellent work they did. Lastly, the name "INVISABLE" is in reference to how these animals and the change they caused are NOW invisible to us, and it's also a reference to the Duran Duran song of the same name. I liked the vibes a lot, and there was a meme circulating around with the song at the time, so it was in my head a lot. The feeling I got from the vocals and the instrumentals was something I wanted to recapture in my work, albeit to varying success. I'm extremely proud of this work, and the reaction from everyone at the reception was awesome!

I do hope to maybe one day do another gallery in the future, but I'm also not really about that kind of stuff. But the last few years have taught me a lot about myself and that I have to be open to change and reinventing who I am. I can't stay stagnant, or I'll just sink, and I've seen it happen to many, many people not only in school but at work and just out and about. Keep an open mind and try new things; that's the lesson I learned throughout all of this.

If you're reading this and you don't know how to feel about growing up or if you should go to school, all I say is this: Try new things and don't be afraid to mess up. Fail faster, and you'll learn faster.

[glassautomaton]

That tale sure is taking a while. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but in the meantime, here’s another scene from it, taking place right after the previous one. This scene was fun to write, and the first real interaction between Anne and Jackie, so I figured you guys might enjoy it. As before, this isn’t final - just a little preview of a work in progress.

Jackie didn't seem like the type to zone out. Anne didn't know her all that well, all things considered, but she certainly came off as someone who'd been around. Intelligent, but not in-your-face about it. Which is why her distant stare towards the cafeteria's bar was perplexing. Sure, it was pretty funny to watch the lone person… was that a person? Lone robot-person fend off the small crowd of anomalies heckling them, but Jackie didn't seem to find it very funny.

She was harder to get a read on than most people, but that was about what Anne was expecting when she was taken here. At least whatever psionic resistance Jackie hard was just like a muffler for her thoughts - Iris strangled her though her brain and Adams sounded like a dozen people all talking over each other, and that was just the last two people she'd spoken to. Besides, Anne didn't need to read minds to get to know people. It helped, but she knew how to work a conversation.

First up: selecting a topic to open with. Recent occurrences were always a good way to go, and demonstrating some level of concern for someone's well-being made them more open to talking.

"So," Anne started, "how ya holding up?"

"Hm?" Jackie turned her head to Anne, who got only the vaguest sense of dissatisfaction from her. "Fine."

Polite, but curt. Funny, she seemed like more of a talker before. "Hey, no need to act tough, you know," Anne said reproachfully. "Deep-seated emotional sublimation is a hell of a pre-workout." Taking jabs at someone another person was annoyed with was a good way to get them talking, and Jackie was just getting the shit kicked out of her.

"Oh, I didn't know they taught you much psychology in the Insurgency." Jackie's statement betrayed no hint of sarcasm despite what Anne wanted to assume; it was times like this when she missed being able to read people as easily as she was used to. But even if Jackie was taking a jab at her presumptuousness, she wouldn't be able to take the bait. That would be a good way to get Jackie annoyed with her, so at risk of seeming clueless she kept talking.

"A little bit, actually. I had to learn a lot of weird shit, they had me doing a new job every month over there." The jobs were more along the lines of 'use this flamethrower and burn anything that has more than two eyes' or 'nobody here knows how to use explosives but we know you're a fast learner and we need to know how to remote detonate them by Friday,' but those experiences weren't really fodder for polite conversation.

"Sounds like an interesting job," Jackie said with a smile as she turned back to the bar. Despite her tone, Anne could tell she was trying to cut things off early. No problem, all she had to do was steer the conversation back towards her. Everyone like talking about themselves, given the proper excuse.

"Well, what do you do? Seems like you've got a…" Anne gestured vaguely as she leaned back in her seat. "…Pretty odd job here, no?"

"Not sure I'd say that." Jackie uncrossed and crossed her legs again. "I'm here voluntarily."

"Huh, news to me," Anne said as she brought a hand up to her chin. Iris certainly didn't seem enthusiastic about her arrangement enough to volunteer, though Anne wasn't such an idiot she didn't know how the word was often used rather… euphemistically. She narrowed her eyes a bit as she refocused her attention back towards Jackie. "Not sure who'd jump at the chance to come here, though."

Jackie stayed looking across the room, but Anne's probing seemed to bear fruit. Even through whatever she had to make herself harder for someone like Anne to read, Anne got a faint sense of… longing? Regret? It was hard to tell specifics, the feeling faint but sharp. Alas, Jackie had enough sense to keep herself silent. Anne filed the emotion away in her brain - something to dig a bit more for once they knew each other a bit better, but going after it now would just rub Jackie the wrong way.

No, what Anne needed now was a solid icebreaker. The conversation had stalled because she had failed to capture Jackie's interest in the topic, so she needed to shift to something Jackie was interested in.

"Yeah, this place isn't great. Hardly any cute girls around, y'know? Well, you probably know better than me," Anne said with a slight nudge. Blunt and rather on-the-nose, but sometimes you needed something properly attention grabbing to make someone pay attention.

Anne ploy seemed to work, as Jackie turned to face her, eyebrows cresting upwards in something approaching concern. "What?"

"Well, the Blood Striga wasn't bad-looking," Anne said as she scratched her chin unassumingly. "True to what's said about them. She was looking a little ratty, though, but I guess that's just what this place does to people."

Jackie just kept looking at Anne with the same expression. Anne wasn't one to lose her nerve very easily, but she found herself reconsidering her chosen line of attack. Lesbians talk about girls, right? Like, that was a thing? Straight women talked about guys, so… You know. Same deal. Right? So what if there was, like, one other lesbian in the conglomerate of cells that Anne's Insurgency cells communicated with? It's not like this was rocket science, this was probably how girls who like girls talked to one another.

Ah, fuck. Okay. A good ten seconds had passed in complete silence between the two of them. Goddamnit, why couldn't everyone just be a rich old guy like the ones she used to talk up for funding and information? That shit was so easy and they all liked the same things. Alright, Anne thought, time to take the loss on this one. Downplay it a little bit and shift the topic to something else. Easy. They can't all be winners.

"I'm just saying, I get why everyone seems so backed up around here," she said with a shrug. "Like, did you see all those people fawning over Nanaya earlier? Do you know what that guy with metal-"

"You know, I just… didn't take you as the type to drop a conversation topic like that out of the blue," Jackie said slowly. Okay, so maybe not just something lesbians were always down to talk about. Lesbians were not like buzzed straight dudes. Got it.

"What, I don't look like I like girls?" Anne chuckled.

"Oh, no," Jackie said helpfully, "you just don't look like the type who gets them."

Anne looked up a Jackie with an open mouth. She walked right into that one, to be sure, but she just… wasn't expecting it. The upbeat delivery was colder than the most bitter invective she could have spit out. Anne was, in all honesty, rather impressed.

Perhaps mistaking Anne's silence for confusion, or just sensing an opening, Jackie continued. "It's just that you've got such a great personality, but you've somehow got nobody to talk to except me, is all," she elaborated. "And it doesn't seem like you've done very much in the way of… what was that, flirting?" Jackie giggled to herself. "I'm sorry, it was a little difficult to tell."

Okay, Anne put herself in a tight spot. But she'd dug her grave, and nobody likes a poser, so Anne had to prove she wasn't just blowing smoke. Even though she pretty much was. "Oh, I've been around a bit," she said casually.

"Really?" Jackie said, almost derisively. It seemed like her girl scout attitude was being worn down. Anne didn't mind, though. If anything, it was a bit humanizing.

"Yeah. The day before we met, in fact," Anne said proudly, despite the fact that she knew the story wasn't exactly the most impressive. "I figured 'Shit, I'm gonna die tomorrow anyways, might as well, right?'" Trying to inject a bit of levity into their conversation, Anne smiled and tuned to Jackie for a reaction. Nothing much, though, as she still wore a doubtful expression, so Anne continued on.

Maybe she expected specifics? Lots of people in her Insurgency cell talked specifics when it came to this stuff. "It was, like… I mean, it was alright. A little scary - she was a little scary." It was getting a bit personal, but Jackie still looked unconvinced. Anne was silently cursing her absurd memetic resistance. "I mean, I dunno, I guess I was just too focused on what I'd be doing the next day, so it was kind of hard for me to really get into it-"

"I don't need to hear this, Anne," Jackie cut her off, her exasperated tone throwing away any pretense of friendliness as she turned away.

"Right, yeah." Anne's response was quick and quiet. Okay, sometimes it was better off to just drop a subject cold turkey than try and keep with it. Anne blamed both her weeks in the site's medical wing and her unfamiliar target for her poor intelligence-gathering performance. She did not, however, consider that she had any idea what intelligence she was trying to gather and for whom, might have made her realize she was acting like a moron for no discernable reason.

Rather than cut her losses and get back to swindling the fine men, women, and walking sapient tumorous growths of the site out of their hard-earned chocolate bars, Anne decided that her next course of action would be to make herself seem approachable. With any luck, her earlier waffling will have given her some bumbling charm. Being a total idiot was very cute to some people she'd heard. Yes, that had to be some silver lining and not just her coping mechanism.

"Hey, weed's legal in Colorado, yeah?" Anne asked out of the blue.

Jackie, for her part, just slowly looked back at Anne with an openly concerned and slightly tired expression.

"This… I mean, we are in Colorado, right?" Anne thought about how much of a moron she'd look like if she was wrong.

"No, yeah, this is Colorado," Jackie said slowly as she nodded.

"Uh huh, cool." Anne looked towards the bar, hoping that breaking eye contact a little would make the conversation seem more casual. "So, like, a pack of mids-"

"Okay, you know what?" Jackie smacked her hands onto her knees to announce that she was standing up and to cut Anne off. "I don't think there's anything saying I need to be here right now."

Anne put her hands up in surrender. "Hey, I was just-"

"Alright, look, Anne, if you-" Jackie had to stop talking to let out a single laugh, sharp and loud- "If you, a contained anomaly, can get a fucking pack of mids past security, I'll… shit, I don't know, I'll-"

"Buy me two bags of Halloween candy every month," Anne said immediately. With capital like that, she could practically become a central bank. That was something to work on - a real test of just how tight a lid the Foundation kept on this place. And if Jackie was willing to make bets like that, then she had to have warmed up to Anne a little bit. Even thinking she was an absolute clown was something she could work with.

"I…" Jackie threw her arms up, unable to keep her face from forming a mocking smile. "Yeah. Sure." After a moment, though, she shook her head as she remembered her situation. "I… Look, you can't do that. I can't say you should do that. I don't even know what they'd do to you."

"Ugh, it's not that bad, even." Anne rolled her eyes. "Who runs this place, Ronald Regan?"

"You know, at this point, I wouldn't surprise me," Jackie muttered as she started walking away towards the bar.

Anne squinted. "Hey, what's the supposed to mean?" She called out, but Jackie was already out of earshot. Or close enough to it that she decided she could ignore her.

[ddlcpoly]

Monika outside of Mc’s house: Hey, let’s go it’s time!

MC struggling to put on his shoes: coming, coming.

MC wasn’t an athletic guy, at least he wasn’t before. As an otaku and self-proclaimed exercise hater, he never saw an interest in working out. He tried to learn taekwondo as a kid, but he dropped it before he made any serious progress. He felt tired and hurt and as if he wasn’t good enough whenever he came back from class and since then promised himself to never try exercising again, even if it looked cool.

That was before Monika came to his life.

Monika was the complete opposite of Mc, she loved to do exercise, it did a variety of things ranging from volleyball, acrobatics, ballet, cardio, basketball, hiking, tennis, lifting, judo, football and her now current most common physical activity: running. It loved to run, to feel the burning in her legs and the wind in its hair as well as the fact that the idea of her being able to go anywhere it wanted with her legs alone felt liberating for her.

She wanted to share that experience with someone, all the girls didn’t really want to, thankfully they were all doing some sort of exercise in their free time, Sayori doing basic “stay in shape” exercises she found on YouTube, Yuri does yoga and Natsuki liked going to the public gym every other day. But MC, didn’t do any kind of exercise and that was worrying Monika, if he didn’t get used to doing exercise, it would be more difficult later on when they needed to do exercise to be healthy. Initially he was very reluctant, and he had given her a lot of soft and strong nos, but it eventually convinced him. Now every school day way before the first bell rings they run together in a park nearby the school.

MC exhaling heavily: Ah, shit. How much time do have to go to?

Monika: not much, just 20 more minutes.

MC: 20!? Jesus. No, I can’t, I give up.

*MC sits down on a bench, basically laying there, facing towards the sky*

Monika: Hey, cmon you can’t just give up so close to the finish line!

MC: I can *gasp* and I will.

Monika: Mikao,

In MC’s head: oh fuck

Monika: You can’t just give up, you were doing great, and you just can’t throw it all away just because it’s hard.

*It puts her hand on his*

Monika: You can do it, I believe in you.

*MC looks at Monika, seeing her big sparkling eyes*

MC: aaaaghhhh, alright.

Monika: Great, now let’s get up and-

MC: Just give me like a minute or two, I’m still not fit enough to keep up with you, even with that speech of yours.

Monika: Oh, ok, yes, we can do that.

[ngmn2002]

hmm about nene not realizing tsukasa was a yorishiro - maybe it has something to do with how/when she met him??

when they first met she didnt have as much experience with yorishiro and his seal does mirror hanako's so maybe combined with kokujodai (black versions of hakujodai) it could have made sense at the time why he would have a black seal? thematically matching big bro lol

she also didnt meet him in a boundry which to be fair does seem like it'd throw people off since he Shouldnt Be There as far as anyone knows (little troublemaker <3)

IDK just throwing out some food for thought haha

Hey there!

I'm happy to see this ask of yours, Anon. It kinda gives me the feeling of "wow... what I say at times does get to some people and I'm not just talking to myself over here"

Haha, You know... Anon... your ask made me go back to see those posts you referred to... and wow... turned out I made this "Nene / yorishiro Tsukasa" thing become a series without even noticing... lol

Hmm, now thinking about what you said... I can safely say it works perfectly well up until ch 67 (the chapter Nene realized Sumire is a yorishiro), then... it starts falling apart as things keep on progressing.

Let's see... Nene's knowledge about Yorishiros up until that chapter...

All she saw were yorishiros in the form of 'objects' (No.2's, No.3's No.4's No.5's) and never saw a yorishiro in a 'human' form. In addition, it seems the seal on 'objects', diffier from that one on 'humans'.

Keeping that thing, and this thing as well in mind...

Judging by these things, there is no way for Nene to ever come close to considering Sumire as yorishiro. She never saw a yorishiro in a human form before (considering she didn't realize Tsukasa is one before), to her knowledge and according to her 'experience' they are only 'objects'. She knows they should be the "most important thing to a mystery, yet with No.6? She saw he is the actual worst, who doesn't care for Sumire and doesn't deserve her love. All that is completely against her knowledge about what a yorishiro is, right? Still? she got to the fact that Sumire is a yorishiro nonetheless. Speaking about the thing of yorishiros can't leave the boundary as she knows." we have this...

She asked Sumire to leave with her. Then she gets that a yorishiro can actually leave if he/she wants to, and got the 'help' they need or found their way out somehow. And... my... if this thing is not similar?

So, Sumire got the help from her to get out and wandered in the school with no problem.

In the same way, Tsukasa got the help from his assistant and got the chance to wander around the school as well.

Now, to wrap things up, first of all, talking about how Nene wasn't supposed to ever guess Sumire is a yorishiro.

She is in 'human' form, she has a different seal, she sees No.6 the worst and finds him not to care for Sumire and not worthy of her love AND according to her knowledge, &lt;< A yorishiro is the 'object' that has a seal different from the one Sumire has and are the most important thing to the mystery.>>

Sumire is the complete opposite of what she thinks a 'yorishiro' is. And, she got to the fact Sumire is a yorishiro despite the fact she shouldn't have done that if she had what she had learned from 'her expectance' in mind.

As for leaving the boundary, we saw that thought never crossed our girl's mind and she jsut casually asked Sumire to leave with her and never questioned the possibly of her not being able to do so. Also, they managed to do so and she got to school with her with no problem. Meaning that she doesn't think 'at least' a 'human' yorishiro can't leave the boundary they are in and she saw with her eyes that they can.

What I want to get into from all that talk is the fact that Nene is capable of thinking outside the box. Just as she did with Sumire, she can do with Tsukasa.

In that light, we have too many ways for her to guess what Tsukasa is before ch 95, without any help. From her 'experience' with Sumire, she gets a yorishiro can in fact have a human form, Tsukasa has a seal identical to Sumire's, with a help from someone, he was able to go meet Amane. What's left? The fact that he must be Amane's most important thing? When she got to that point in her flashbacks in ch 95, she relied on those things on Amane's side.

What Amane said in ch 17 & the way he acted around Tsukasa in ch 45? At this point we are in ch 67 & 68, so she had this information before. If we were going to make things extreme and say she had to know some facts about Tsukasa's side of the story (which she didn't do with any yorishiro, in our case, Sumire, she took the seal as her main lead, not how Sumire feels about No.6 and at that point, she didn't really know how Sumire feels about him, Sumire talked about it in ch 68, and she realized she is a yorishiro a chapter before) let's say she got Tsukasa's side of the story in ch 82. So? In the gap between ch 82 - 95... nothing could have possibly stood in her way of realizing what Tsukasa is. She could easily do it while laying in bed before closing her eyes to sleep.

She could have even guessed it in a way from Amane's reaction.

"Oh my god, Hanako-kun knows about how a seal of a 'human' yorishiro looks like? wait a moment? Tsukasa- kun's seal is... identical to Sumirie's... don't tell me...!"

Let's say this way is too funny to work out. Another way for her to find out what Tsukasa is, comes from her 'experience' with yorishiro Sumire:

Just like Sumire, Tsukasa has the exact same seal. Just like Sumire, Tsukasa takes a 'human' form. Just like Sumire, Tsukasa can wander around the school as he likes. (little troublemaker <3 yes! not any troublemaker but an awesome one too! <3) Tsukasa is connected to No.7 (his twin who he killed) and Tsukasa is so important to Amane and she got that from ch 17 & 45. So? there is nothing to stop her from knowing what he is. As I said, after ch 68 or extremely ch 82... she can know what he is, even while feeling sleepy.

I mean, she did get to the fact that Tsukasa is Hanako's yorishiro in chapter 95. If she thought before there is no way he can be a yorishiro, then she wouldn't consider him an option in the first place, but she did. And, I see nothing to stop her from doing so before as well.

Not to say that really... it felt to me that she got to the fact that Sumire is a yorishiro by only seeing her seal. It's the only thing she pointed out while thinking about it... but I still went in depth with everything else I assume.

And, I have to say... I don't know whether to be surprised or a bit disappointed to see Nene, who wants to know all about Amane, While knowing: 1- He is a mystery. 2- He is the leader of them. 3- knows each of the 7 has their own yorishiro... yet...

1- The thing of Amane having a yorishiro didn't seem to cross her mind (he is a mystery so he as one). 2- Never once questioned herself about what might Amane's yorishiro be. 3- Never wondered about the fact that he said "he has a plan of destroying all the 7 Yorishiros", which means he was eventually going to have her destroy his own too one day. I feel surprised she didn't ever stop to think that one day she will come around destroying his yorishiro or what might it even be. But, I think I can't go so hard on her, she still has a long way to go and lots of things to learn. (and I don't want to ruin my fun of reading the manga because of such thoughts, everything will come on its time, I should only wait, still... I can talk about these things in some posts for fun)

Speaking about that... she still wonders whether she should keep on destroying the Yorishiros or not even after knowing about Tsukasa and her possible death if all are Yorishiros are destroyed.

Nene-chan....

Though, I get why she didn't talk with Amane about whatever she found out about his and Tsukasa's past or about the fact that Tsukasa is his yorishiro. After all, she is a simple and normal girl and this is too much on her. I understand.

Now then, going back to the main course...

For a bit of reference for both you and me on the posts I talked about this "Nene / yorishiro Tsukasa" thing in... here they are...

Apparently, things started with this thing...

X then this thing X , X , X ........

Maybe you didn't take a look at them all? Maybe it would be fun for you to see them.... each one has a way of her to find out... according to different settings. I have to say after giving them a look after so long, I enjoyed them. Maybe if you don't think the same way as I do, you could still find them fun in some way.

And wow, I think I should say thanks! because of this ask I thought about this thing from a whole different angle yet again and got to 2 almost-new ways for her to find out... so fun! I had so much fun answering this! If you find any part difficult to understand, or want to point other things out, let me know! ^^

Have a nice day ahead of you, Anon!

[journal-bangers]

august 13: raspberry bloodshed & mealy peaches

"not much overchewed between me and you. not nearly enough room. why don't we breathe all the way in? shake out our skins and loose up our limbs. all of the mess down around our ankles, creeping up our shins- ever so untidy, ever so unclean. some of it was thrown in, but the rest of it got blown in- ever so unsightly. why don't we breathe all the way in and loose?"

last night i think i figured out what love is. well, as far as romance goes. i think it's just a deep, shared sense of vulnerability. i was thinking about my best friend. i realized the love i share with her is rooted in the absence of a need to be strong around eachother. i don't have to exist in any sort of way i would typically deem meaningful- i can just BE. if that's not what love is, i'm not sure if i'll ever know. when i'm with her, i'm free to remove my shell, my pearls, the cloak of weeds i shroud my soul in; i exist as the pile of muscle and slimy skin that lives inside, lightly undulating with the breath of life as i lay splayed out on the pavement between our feet.

that's what i've been needing: to shake out my skin. doing it alone is hard. i'm not sure what will tumble out onto the floor before me. how do i know what to keep? what to discard? who will hold me when the endless sweeping tires my arms and makes my legs feel gelatinous with the effort? so tension has been the glue that holds my body together for too long. i'm ready to release it; but ready doesn't mean easy. i've been searching (unknowingly, i think) for someone to be with me as i clean. even better if they will allow their own mess to rest next to mine.

this-morning i went searching for raspberries to make the gray taste of the day at least a little pink. my landlady cut down the branches that had bared the most fruit last week since they were growing over the path. if i had any say, i would have left it. i'd rather clamber over branches heavy with ruby berries than have a trail free of all impediments. then, there was enough for all of us: myself, my landlady, all of our friends, and the birds with plenty to spare. now the birds pick the boughs clean before sunrise, leaving only a few half-pecked carcasses to decieve me on my morning walk to the kitchen. i'll see red, shouting in the sea of green, only to discover the meat ravaged and smeared over the surface of adjacent leaves. i guess the birds need them more than i do. it stays that way for days. entrails taunting me and covering the woodchips with blood when the dew gets too heavy to hold. how can something so sweet leave such a stain?

patience is also love, i've learned. it's subversive in the world we live in i think. the expectation of exponential growth for infinity doesn't allow for time to be taken to recognize whether that's truly for the best. impatience has killed forests, ravaged the oceans, and cannibalized our brothers and sisters of the animal kingdom in the name of progress. it's also eaten at my heart. i know i'm not unique in that experience. i also know that i'm not very good at patience, and i haven't practiced to be otherwise. i didn't know you could. nobody is very good at patience in my family but, despite that, things seem to work out. that doesn't make it easy, though. living with impatience as an immutable fact of life is always a fight. a fight to love before it's lost, a fight to make someone love me before i leave, a fight to remain grounded in my body and heart rather than aloft and breathless in my head. experiencing patience as an act of love feels much different than the fight. i'm still learning, but it feels good so far.

why don't we breathe all the way in? because i don't know the depths of my lungs. the branches have been cut, the carcasses of ripe berries clutter the ground, and the only peaches i've had all summer have been mealy. it's been a cold one.

but hey, at least i've had peaches...right?

[casspurrjoybell-26]

Too Old For This - Chapter 8 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

"Hey... how are you?"  

Zachary wasn't sure what he had been expecting but Leroy's voice sounded small and unsure.

He seemed... nervous but that couldn't be, could it?

Leroy wasn't mostly full of life and a little too forward.

At least from the little Zachary had learned of him, so why did he seem shy about talking back?

Maybe he was just sleepy?

A bit tired maybe?

Fuck if Zachary knew.

He wasn't the best at reading social cues from just a voice.

He only ever spoke to medical professionals, delivery people and his sister on the phone for the most part.

"I'm doing okay," Zachary replied, folding his legs on the bed and upsetting the cat that has taken refuge between them for the past hour or so.

Leroy laughed and Zachary raised an eye-brow.

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah, didn't sound like a very happy cat."

"I just folded my legs," Zachary said, sighing, as he reached out to per the feline that was bod sitting at the edge of the bed.

"I was in the same position for over an hour."

"You're not supposed to move when cats sit on you."

"Who said that? The pet police?"

And just like the first time they spoke face to face, their first phone call was facilitated by talking about cats.

It was a comfortable filler, where neither of them had to discuss what was bothering them too early or come off too strong when neither was sure of the lines of their friendship.

"Hey, I was wondering if you'd like to see a movie... not soon, just sometime in the future if you're up for it. I was thinking about it yesterday when we were talking about movies. I haven't been to a cinema in ages," Leroy said, making Zachary hum.

He didn't have the best experience with cinemas.

There were only a few spots for wheelchairs and getting in was a whole other task on its own.

People talking all the time made it hard to focus and everyone moving, to go to the bathroom deeply annoyed him but he didn't think he would mind it very much if he went with Leroy.

"Sure, just let me know when," the older man said, feeling his insides curl with an emotion he didn't want to address now.

Their conversation pivoted to the books they were currently reading.

Zachary was the bigger bookworm of the two, so he carried the conversation, going on about the series he'd just started listening to.

There was a knock on Zachary's door that made the older man stop talking mid-sentence to look over at it.

"Who's there?" his sister, Avery said, knocking on the door again.

Zachary sighed and covered the receiver of his cell.

"I'm on the phone."

"With who?"

"I'm on the phone," Zachary repeated and the person on the other end sighed after a withdrawn pause.

There was a thud... probably a bag... then a couple of footsteps that grew progressively fainter and then there was silence.

When it was clear, there was no more knocking, Zachary took his hand off the receiver.

"I'm sorry about that," Zachary said, running the fingers of his free hand through his hair.

"Who's that?" Leroy asked as Zachary adjusted his sitting position on the edge of his bed.

"Hmm?" the older man said, blinking before looking away from the door.

"My sister."

"Oh."

"I wasn't expecting her to be back, until later this week," Zachary explained and Leroy said 'oh' from the other end in a way that made Zachary envision a head nod.

"Well, I can leave you to it, if you need to speak to her," Leroy said.

Zachary noted the hint of hesitance in his voice.

It made him feel better because he'd been clawing at every reason not to end the call for hours.

"It is getting late..." he trailed, noticing that it was a lot darker than when they'd started their call when he looked out his window.

Gosh, they'd been talking for hours.

What was it? Nine?

"You don't have work tomorrow, do you?" Zachary said, when Leroy did nothing but breathe, from the other end.

"Yeah, it's a Saturday."

"We can talk on the phone tomorrow, maybe?" Zachary asked, tapping his clothed thigh, with the tips of his fingers.

The noise was enough to distract him from the whirling feeling of shyness that was starting to take over him.

"Whatever time you want. I don't know if you sleep in late," he added, hoping Leroy would save him from himself and say something.

"Sure. I can call," the younger man said.

"But..." there was a pause and Zachary frowned, wondering if there was a caveat hidden there somewhere.

"But what?" he asked, reaching out to touch the cat that was now nested between him and the headboard of the double bed.

"Can't I just come over?" the question made Zachary's head go blank for a moment, before it burst into haywire, that fired multiple questions over the space of seconds.

'Holy shit. The basement's a mess. How am I going to clean that up before tomorrow?' Is there anything in the fridge to drink? What about Avery? Do I have to tell her I have a guest over?

"Hello?" the sound of Leroy's voice brought Zachary back to the present. 

"Um..." he paused, scrambling for something to say.

"My sister's home."

"Is that a no? I understand if it would be awkward..."  

"No, it's not a no, it's more of an 'I'm not sure. Let me ask'," Zachary clarified before Leroy could finish his sentence.

"I'll text you before noon tomorrow. How's that?"     

There was a pause at the other end, before Leroy muttered...

"That works, sure."

"Okay," Zachary hummed and then the younger man hung up, leaving behind the clicking sound.

Zachary stared at his phone for a bit, looking at the time.

They'd really spoken for three hours, give or take and it hadn't been about anything important but that hadn't felt like it had mattered.

He'd just enjoyed the sound of Leroy's voice.

Zachary was smiling down at his phone when he heard another knock on his door.

He looked up, frowning a bit.

"What?" he asked as he cocked his head at the door.

"You can come in, I'm done with the call," he said, and sure enough, his sister twisted the handle of the door and let herself in.