#but those people still want to attack me regardless whatever i do it’s wrong

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

might be an unrelated ask with how things are going on right now, but the only way i ever see traitor ace theory coming into fruition is if he destroys yuu's way back home because of how his feelings will boil over (since he thinks being vulnerable is uncool). i've always tried to convince myself that his silly tsundere moments are yume bait, though i really can't deny the fact that yuu is literally everything that his ex-girlfriend is not. they've watched a horror movie together from idia's lab sr (and sending grim all alone to get snacks???) in playful stage, they ride a roller coaster, and if you tell him you like it, he suggests going again again (just the two of them without grim???) bro is not slick with how attached he is to mc.

I have my own thoughts on Ace traitor theory (which you can read here)! To summarize, I don’t believe in it. If Ace betrays us at all, I think it will be in a trivial capacity (like he does something stupid that the rest of the group disagrees with, like taunting Malleus to attack him) and without malicious intent.

He may think being vulnerable is uncool, but I don’t think he’d take an action as drastic as destroying Yuu’s route home no matter how emotional he got. (That feels more like the stuff I see in angst and/or yandere fan works.) Ace gets mad and acts out, yes—but it tends to be in situations where he feels like being has been wronged, not to hinder the people he cares about. His character and his actions the entire story have done nothing but demonstrate that he values his friends and will be there for them until the bitter end, even if he whines about it the entire time.

And well 💦 when it comes to “is this platonic or romantic”, I always default to “it’s up to individual interpretation”. TWST will never give a “canon” ship for Yuu because that would impede the self-insert mass appeal design of the blank slate character. Not everyone wants to perceive X (in this case, Ace) as a love interest. Not everyone wants to perceive X (again, Ace in this case) as a friend. Therefore, there’s always going to baity lines to feed the yume crowd (Michard voice: give me your ur wallets) but lines are also kept plausibly deniable (framed as “jokes”/nor serious) or ambiguous enough to be interpreted either way.

In Ace’s Suitor Suit vignettes, he says this about his ex: “She said the thrill rides were too scary for her […] She vetoed all the action and horror flicks. Hanging out was just plain boring, so I stopped contacting her as time went on.” And indeed, Ace engages in the activities his ex refused with Yuu. They’re watching a horror movie together in Idia’s Labwear vignettes, as well as riding roller coasters and other thrill rides in Stage in Playful Land. Yes, you can interpret these as romantic since they sent Grim off by himself to get popcorn and want to ride again by themselves.

However, that’s not the only possible interpretation, and nor should it be. It could just as easily be argued that Ace and Yuu were just hanging out as friends in a “kicking back with your bros” kind of way (regardless of whatever gender Yuu identifies as). Watching horror movies and going on exciting rides are normal things that friends could do together. There is nothing inherently romantic about those acts by themselves. It could also be said that Ace is lazy and constantly trying to get out of work, so of course he’d pass off the job of getting more snacks onto someone else. The ride thing is innocuous too—maybe the others just aren’t feeling another round, while Ace and Yuu are still on that adrenaline high and want another hit of it. And again, it’s probably framed as wanting to do activities with Yuu specifically to help foster that parasocial relationship and create a sense of bonding with the player.

Of course Ace is attached to us and likes to hang out. We’re his friend, and that much has been established since the prologue. We are naturally a lot closer with him by default compared to several of the other guys (with maybe a few exceptions, like Deuce). Whether you see Ace and Yuu’s relationship as anything more than that is up to the individual!

That being said, I’d rather not talk in terms that imply one ship is “better”, “absolute”, or “more supported by canon” than others 😅 Not just for Ace x Yuu, but any ship, really. It unintentionally frames the discussion like a competition and leaves some people out of the talk if they don’t vibe with it or have different preferences, y’know?

[c0ld0utside]

Do you write angst/sadder ideas?

I had a idea of a reader whose mother died during birth, and because of the grief their father accidentally ignored them? Working constantly, missing important events. Like he’s not the worst father, just absent. could make him rich so reader spends more time with a nanny then their own father.

So reader runs away, and the father finally realized what he did and has to try to find reader? (Readers at a friends house but the father doesn’t really know their friends. Or something like that idk)

sorry if this is long or something that’s boring, perfectly fine if you don’t want to do it :)))

Sorry this took me so long. No TW's really (not that I know of at least).

Could you blame him? Being a single father was hard, especially when you’re a CEO for a company that owns other companies and so on… and when you remind him so much of who he lost. Maybe it’s your eyes, or your face shape or the texture of your hair. Maybe even the way you talk. Regardless, Steven was a busy, sad, mourning man who’s grief worsened upon seeing you, his only child.

He tried to make it up to you. He hired you a nanny- Ms. Noya- to be there for you instead. He’d send you birthday cards- May 18th is your birthday, right? Steven would even send you cupcakes- only to find years later that you didn’t like cupcakes. Odd. Who doesn’t like cupcakes? Whatever. Point is, he tries. Even if Steven’s work is more important than you and those soccer matches and choir concerts that he missed.

At least Ms. Noya attended, right? Well- even if she couldn’t make it to all of your games at least someone is cheering you on. Steven doesn’t know that some of your classmates make fun of you for needing a Nanny. That they mock you for your lack of attention. That Mommy died because of you and Daddy hates you for it.

If he had known sooner he would’ve dismissed all of those things. Told you that no, he doesn’t hate you for what happened because- well, these things happen. He and your mother knew the risks. Steven just didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did.

Steven stands there in your empty bedroom on the verge of having a panic attack. After seeing your posts online of games you won and concerts you were a part of, he mustered up his courage and decided to finally come home. Only to find that you weren’t there. Nor was your Nanny. He searched all over the home, calling out for you and Ms. Noya but got no answer. He tried calling you with his phone- you wouldn’t pick up.

So, he searched your room and found your diary. Steven knew it was a #1 rule to not go through your child’s diary, but he needed clues to where you were. And he hasn’t spoken to you in so long- it suddenly hit him that he knew nothing about you. How shameful.

…

Steven set the diary down with a shaky sigh.

I don’t know why I’m still not used to him being here.

I’ve been throwing the cupcakes away.

I don’t even use most of the stuff he gives me. I should give it away. It’s cluttering up my room and closet.

I wish he’d actually just stop by for once. I didn’t kill her. It’s not my fault. I don’t even want to be here.

Fuck this. I don’t know why I’m still waiting for him. I’m going to Lucy’s.

Lucy? Who is Lucy? A friend? Steven quickly calls up the school to ask them about a “Lucy.” On a rare stroke of luck, there’s only one Lucy in your school. After getting her address (people are so easily bribed with money), Steven immediately called the police.

Was it the best reaction? Noooo. But come on- if it was him who had showed up you wouldn’t have come back. Steven was sure of that. Especially after reading your diary. (He was 100% wrong.)

Yeah you freaked out on him once you got home. He expected that! You were just put in a police car after all. It’s amusing, really, how nervous he is. Him, Steven (l/n), a CEO that essentially has it all. Has been through countless meetings where he was calm and precise and knew what to say.

“I’m really sorry sweetheart! I didn’t know where you were and I- …I had to see you. I know it’s been a long while and that that’s an understatement but it’s been so long and I need to make it all up to you.”

-

Going back to school the next day had been extremely awkward for you and your friends. When you got home, you were horrified to find out that Ms. Noya had been…”removed,” putting it lightly.

“I’m going to be working from home from now on, so we won’t be needing her anymore.” Steven had told you. He shushed you when you started to protest, patting your head like a toddler.

“I know there are huge changes happening, but it’s okay! I’ll fix everything and we can make up for lost time. I promise.”

“Daddy’s here now, and he won’t leave you alone again.”

____

Yall I'm sorry this is taking me so long forgive me please. My chromebook has been acting up so I'm stuck writing on my phone.

Criticism is welcome. Remember to drink some water and eat.

[voxofthevoid]

I have not tagged top/bottom for anything since 2018, and I won't be doing it again. The intent is to actively drive away people who need top/bottom, regardless of the dynamic, tagged. <- Can I ask what you mean by this? (different, curious anon)

Y'know, I had a feeling soon after replying to that anon that someone would ask about this 😂

Short version:

Hypocrisy and unreasonable expectations about tagging top/bottom caused me to stop the whole practice. I started using "Choose Not to Warn" and stopped taking tag suggestions for similar reasons. What you see is what you get, and I'm entirely content with people who want more specific tags or warnings giving my fics a pass.

Long version:

When I started writing and posting porn (Hannibal fandom circa 2014), I tagged top/bottom roles because most of my favorite authors did, and I figured that's the common practice. I also wrote switching then, less because of genuine interest and more because the dominant discourse was that it's the "right" way to write gay sex. I was personally inexperienced at the time and uncertain about my own sexuality; I was more scared about writing sex "wrong" than anything else.

From 2014 to 2018, I was in three major fandoms, one after the other: Hannibal, Attack on Titan, and Yuri on Ice. All three had raging top/bottom discourse, but if you've seen this shit, you know that there's no variety in it—if you've seen one of them, you've seen them all (though the YoI top/bottom discourse came with a generous helping of racism too). You had two loud camps:

Those insisting the bigger, older, meaner, stronger, and/or more dominant (personality wise) person should top; nothing else makes sense.

Same-sex couples, especially men, had to switch. Anything else is heteronormative and fetishizing.

Both stances are, of course, fucking bullshit. People fuck in whatever ways they want, and neither appearance nor personality determines whether you're a top or bottom (or anything on the BDSM end either).

But the discourse hasn't gone anywhere. You still get people trying to justify the sexual dynamics they prefer with one or the other of these arguments, and while #1 is typically used by diehard stans of the predominant dynamic, you also often get the opposite crowd trying to "prove" that X is actually a bottom because [insert reasons that almost always come down to bottom=more feminine].

On top of this, there's another prevalent trend. The predominant dynamic (top Gojou in the case of goyuu) is considered the "natural" option. It's the default. If you click on an explicit goyuu fic, that's what should be there. Anything else—be it switching or top Yuuji—needs a "warning" because heaven forbid anything other than the norm be written without neon keep-away signs slapped on it.

As my tone and all the scare quotes may indicate, I have no patience—but do have an abundance of rage—for any of this shit. I reached my boiling point toward the end of my YoI days, which was also incidentally when I started to fuck and my own tastes (IRL and fictional) solidified.

My porn fics are all rated explicit, and 99% of the time, there's a tag for anal sex. There's also a marked absence of top/bottom tags to go with these. Readers can do the mental math and choose whether or not to click in. If their assumptions make asses out of them, that's not my problem—except when they try to make it so.

[lokavisi]

Hail and welcome!

Hello! My name is Rory, aka Lokavísi. From what I can tell, Lokavísi is Old Icelandic for "Loki's prince." (Explanation for this name choice is here.) I've been working with Loki since 2020, and shortly thereafter He welcomed me into his family. I've done the most work with His Jotun family, but am feeling a growing connection to Sigyn and their children. Both are lovely families with much to teach us. I also practice rune readings and am spending more and more time learning tarot. I love using these tools to communicate with Deities and just generally seek guidance along my journey. (If you would like a reading' that also would support my wife and I through her gender affirmation surgery process, click here!)

As you may have noticed, I tend to refer to Loki with he/they pronouns. This is just based on how He tends to appear to me, but I fully understand and respect anyone else using any other pronouns to refer to Them. Loki is most definitely one to challenge gender norms and we all have our own experiences with Them. Whatever is right for you in your relationship to Loki is valid and awesome.

Other useful disclaimers:

- Any original posts of mine are my own thoughts and UPG stories. It's absolutely ok if your UPG or opinions are different from mine. I love to hear about other people's experiences with Loki, His family, or any other Norse deities. My experience, or your own, is no more or less "correct" than anyone else's.

- I may make or reblog posts about deities outside of the Norse pantheon. I am a Unitarian Universalist, in addition to being Heathen/Pagan, and have a deep love for pluralism. I am also looking to "shake hands," so to speak, with more deities from other pantheons for this reason. (And because I want to expand my oracular practice. I feel like getting to know the people you'll essentially be a mouthpiece for at times is just good practice lol.) This blog will largely focus on the Norse pantheon, but don't be surprised if you see or hear any UPG about others!

- I think it's also worth noting that I did find my way to this path through my interest in the Marvel characterizations of the gods. Personally, I don't think the Gods mind this too much as long as people are willing and able to move beyond the Marvel interpretations of Them. I also think the Gods can find Their ways into those stories whether the writers/performers even believe in them or not. I am in no way equating Marvel's versions of the gods to the Gods, or Tom Hiddleston to Loki here on this blog. That is simply just not a thing and I will not indulge that idea. We are, however, going to be respectful of people who engage with and enjoy Marvel content, and affirm that said content can still be a part of some people's practice. I sometimes use gifs of Tom-Loki. Just accept that and move on.

- I identify as Lokean and Heathen. As a neurodivergent queer person, I am all about making Heathenry inclusive. Gods call to who They call to, regardless of one's origins, abilities, or personal identity. You are welcome in this space. I will do everything I can to make my little corner of the internet here as safe a space as possible. I understand Loki to care so deeply for humanity, especially the most marginalized of us. If there is anything I post that is problematic or rubs you the wrong way, do not hesitate to message me and talk about it. I want to grow in my understanding and foster community. I take such call outs in good faith, and trust that my posts and responses will be taken in good faith, too. I'm not going to engage with personal attacks or attempts to discredit my personal spiritual experiences. Nazi punks fuck off. ✌️

Thanks for reading this novel of an introduction. Enjoy the blog!

[stanlunter]

i have an honest question for you. this is not meant to be a gotcha or accuse you of homophobia, just based on observing your post history of wlw vs wlm ships out of curiosity.

are there any wlw ships in cartoons that you actually do like the portrayal of?

Thanks for a question!

And yes, obviously. Actually, I posted a lot about them, so It's strange if you haven't seen it, but yeah. I understand where your answer is coming from since I do critic some wlw media and made a post about a wlw dynamic I don't like. Tbh, It's a problem for me too, bc I don't get enought of my "wlw ships type" in media and that's basically why Im complaining about it, bc every It's either bad-written or is so cliche that's it even boring. Also the problem is that I do love wlm ships as well and a lot of people say that "wlw is always better than wlm" even tho there are many good and bad examples of both of them and I think It's wrong to say smth is better just bc It's queer, even tho I am wlw myself. The "critic" wasn't towards wlw, but towards the most popular dynamic (sun x moon) that I don't like and the way people ignore others dynamics just for this one is sad to me, since bc of it I don't have enought representation of wlw ships I love, bc all of them either don't become a couple, or break up, or one of them dies (or all of these at the same time) and almost all ships that became canon have that dynamic I dislike. And at the same time it was also a joke bc It's actually true that like 80% of all wlw ships are basically the same, so It's funny to hear from their fans that all wlm ships are the same

"Are there any wlw ships in cartoons that you actually like the portray of?"

Do you mean canon or fanon?

As someone who generally in like 90% of the cases prefers fan ships over canon ones, regardless of if it's wlw, wlm or mlm, I obviously have much more fanon or half-canon favourite wlw ships, including those, where one of the characters is dead, there are some I like:

My favourite wlw ship and spop otp of all time is Scorptra. I absolutely adore everything about it and I really think they should have been stayed in Crimson waste. Some years ago I had a huge fixation on it and tbh, if I've discovered Tumbler to myself at that time, my acc would definitely be full of them and I would call myself "stanscorptra", lol. And the fact that they didn't become canon for the sake of the ship I hate - catradora, makes it even worse to me. (Scorpia x Catra from She-ra and the princess of power)

Yumihisu. That's my favourite ship from aot, Im actually glad It's popular in the fandom. I really love everything about them and the way they ended up is actually heart-breaking. In the finale of s2 I actually wanted to start killing people just bc Ymir decided to help Rainer and Berth instead od staying with Historia. And every time I rewatch it, I feel the same, bc they did have a chance to be happy together at least for some years.

It's basically canon and it was confirmed that they both love each other, but since Ymir died, I'm not sure if it is considered as actually canon since they werent actual dating (Ymir x Historia from Attack on titan)

Nanichiru, or whatever name they have, bc the fandom still hasnt decided it.

That was one of my first anime ships, I even thought It's canon and basically when I saw them together, I thought Nana is canon lesbian, which was so clear to me when I compare her with men and her with Michiru. Idk if they supposed to be "just friends", or wlw-coded, but I do consider them as a half canon anyways, bc, let's be real, if one of them was a guy, everyone would know It's canon. I absolutely love their dynamic and the way their relationship affected Nana and made her doubt her goal and actually understand that some of the people with talents are good people. Michiru changed everything for Nana and was her light in the dark, but ofc, how it always is, they didn't develop relationship and one of them died. (Nana x Michiru form Talentless Nana)

Mitsunoa. I am not obsessed with its depth, bc, ngl, they don't have such deep relationship as others, but I do love their dynamic and all of their interactions. Their homoerotic friendship and all the hints make me giggle and if we consider Mikayuu as "basically canon", than I will consider Mitsunoa as basically canon too (especially after the bath scene), bc these girls deserve the best things and they are the best things for each other. (Mitsuba and Shinoa from Seraph of the end)

Togachako. I still haven't finished the manga, so I'm not sure about what heppend with them in the end, I've only seen some spoilers. But I do love their enemies to lovers dynamic, which, unlike some other ships of this trope, isn't a romantization of abuse, but actual enemies to lovers. I doubt it has chances to actually become canon. But I still love the way their relationship was written. Uraraka is the only one who thinks Toga is cute and a pretty girl, not just a crazy monster. I absolutely love the line when she says Toga that she's the cutest girl in the whole world. I love that Toga says her feelings for Uraraka are real and that she made her happy. Toga sees her as basically a comfort person (??), someone who's love and appreciation she wants to get, someone who can save her from the hateness to herself and the world. I just want Toga to be happy with someone who can see her. Also, have you seen how mangaka draws them together?? He's either their biggest shipper, or a queerbaiter, Idk (Toga x Uraraka from My hero academy)

Also Ruby x Penny from Rwby, Webby x Lena from Duck Tales, Perfuma x Huntara from she-ra, Anne and Sasha from Amphibia, Sunset x Sci-Twi from Equestria girls, Sae-Byeok x Ji-Yeong form Squid game and others

As for canon ships, there are fewer ones, but yeah, I do have favourite wlw ships that are canon:

Menokari. Their relationship is really beautiful, It's actually similar to Nanichiru, but is gayer. I found it thanks to Talentless Nana as well, and Im glad I did. It may be seems too cliche for some people, but I think It's adorable, dramatic and well-writen. Definitely my favourite wlw anime (Menou x Akari from The Executor and her way of living)

Ellieriley. Unfortunately there are not enought scenes with them, but those we have is enought for me to love them. Riley was Ellie's first love and probably her lesbian awaking. I love their dynamic so much and I want to see more of them and I wanted them to live a happy life. I do like Ellie x Dina too, but I love her relationship with Riley much more. Riley's death has broken my heart. But at least I'm glad that they did have a kiss scene before it, that's why I do consider it as canon, unlike Yumihisu, since a lot of people for some reason are still arguing over it (Ellie x Riley from The last of us)

Spinetossa. Even tho this ship is far not the main one, I love it much more than the main canon ones. Netossa cares about her wife so much. They know each other for so long and still love each other so much. They're so cute and so sweet, that I was worrying for their relationship during s5 the most. And It's funny how Chaggie fans use "they're together for a long time" to justify the fact that Vivziepop has written them so poorly and that they look more like just friends, just bc of that, since these two exist and they actually do look like a married couple, not like just friends (Spinerella x Netossa from She-ra)

Harlivy

I ship these two in every universe. Even tho the Harley Quinn show has flaws, I still love their dynamic, yeah, even despite it being "one of those I have brought up in that post", I still ship them and think they're cute. I love that Harley has fully recovered from her relationship with Joker and that Ivy has found her true love, someone she can spend the rest of her life with (Harley x Ivy from Harley Quinn show and DC comics/cartoons)

Korrasami

I never was one of those people who say Korrasami was rushed. Yeah, the creators couldnt fully show them in the show, but they did in the comics and I haven't seen anyone who has read them and said they're bad-written. The comics show them so well, It's amazing, healthy and one of the best wlw representations I've seen! (Korra x Asami from The legend of Korra)

Obviously, that's not all of them, but those I love the most. Some of other canon wlw couples I love are: Bubblegum x Marcelin from Adventure time, Apple x Darling from Every after high, Haruka x Michiru from Sailor moon, Utena x Anthy from Revolutionary girl Utena, Kirari x Sayaka from Kakegurui, Ruby x Sapphire form Steven Universe, Vi x Caitlyn from Arcane, Sara x Nyssa from Arrow and Jennifer x Needy form Jennifer's body (I know the last two are not animated, but I still wanna include them)

So, yeah, there are a lot of wlw canon and popular ships I dislike or critic, which isn't because I hate wlw, but bc I love it and want it to be written better and be more various, than just "sun x moon", since there are a lot of so different wlm and mlm dynamics, while for wlw It's almost always either the same, or is just problematic, like Catradora. Tbh, as far as I remember, the only wlw ships I wrote bad things about were Lumity and Catradora, besides that post, so I don't know why exactly you thought it means I dislike all or most of the wlw ships, but I don't anyways

[altocat]

Oh no honey, you got it all wrong. Genesis living in my head rent-free is NOT ironic at all. They all do, even the bad guys like Sephiroth and Hojo. I like them as fictional characters.

You not remembering me IS ironic. I can tell you we used to talk off anon before you decided to be rude to me and you wouldn't know which one of those people you were being rude to was me. That shy kitty cat act is ridiculous.

Tell those other anons that send nastier asks I say hello. I wonder if they are in a similar boat. You asked for assumptions about your person, I sent some honest ones and you freaked out. You should have specified you only accept compliments.

I'm more confused than anything now. Especially considering I currently have my entire chat history open and I can't find whatever it is you're referencing. Would be helpful if I actually knew who you were so we could settle this like actual adults instead of you hiding behind Anon making stuff up for shits n giggles.

Look, I'll level with you here. I always own up to any mistakes I make, whether that's having a bad take on characters or if I unintentionally spark some miscommunication. I don't do conflict. I don't do trolling. I don't look to ever intentionally hurt people's feelings regardless of whether we agree or disagree on things. When I'm attacked on my own blog unprompted, I defend myself. But I'm extremely self-critical and I always try to put my best foot forward. I'm not existing here to drum up drama or spark controversy. I just write about characters. I don't really engage with the wider community. I have maybe 2-4 other users I talk to on a weekly basis other than people sending asks or specific questions.

So with all that said, I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about when you say "we used to talk". Like I genuinely don't. And if you want to refresh me then PLEASE, by all means DM me. I encourage you, in fact. I promise I won't out you. We can clear the air in private without having a stupid slap fight over something as inconsequential as fictional characters.

Unless, of course, this is still just trolling. In which case lol guess that's on me for making an effort. But I'll feel better for it afterwards, I suppose.

[vegasandhishedgehog]

I've held off posting for a long time about the issue regarding Build and Poi.

A lot of things have rubbed me wrong about the way it went down, how the people involved handled it in the beginning, I am severely allergic to Twitter, and all in all, it's been so much to take in and digest over the past few weeks. I have no real understanding of law for any fucking country and I am not a source blog for news or updates or translations. Speaking in support of anyone, to me, seems perfectly inappropriate and useless. As much as I have my own personal thoughts and feelings, I'm aware of biases and that's no basis for an open conversation.

That, and well....I've been here before. I don't mean with the thing about the dug-up tweets that caused a riot a few months ago. I don't even mean controversial celebrity trials in general. I'm talking about people I personally knew very well being in a lawsuit where some hefty accusations were made and the community got split over their feelings about it. It's a fucking nightmare. I don't need to repeat those details because it was a different case and projecting any of those circumstances onto the one in question would be wrong.

So I'm only going to say this once.

Cut it out.

Stop being self-righteous. Stop taking extreme positions and cutting off friends whose thoughts and views vary. I don't care how convincing one side or the other is to you right now - we do not know the truth and there is a fairly long wait for us to have it laid out for us. If you look at those supporting the opposite side as you and don't think of yourself as also potentially supporting a guilty person, please take a moment to reflect. What is your goal by acting that way? To be right? To feel right? To "weed out the idiots"?

Curate your experience all you like, but cutting people off to such extremes is going to make for very small corners and very nasty echo chambers. This fandom looked itself in the mirror and got so ugly the mirror shattered and we're all just shards now. Little pods of pro-this, anti-that, unsure-something-or-other, etc. There's still so many unanswered questions, and evidence to be reviewed and cross-examined. Some of you will still choose to deny the outcome because it doesn't match the narrative in your head. But before you reach that level of desperation, I simply ask that you put your energy toward making and keeping this fandom a place where people can come for escape.

I won't judge you for being open about who you support here, if you have chosen a side. But attacking and othering people really doesn't make you the better person and you're not gonna get some kind of badge of honor for being woke. A lot of us are just people who come to fandom because it's what brings us joy in a world that is very fucked up, so coming into that space to start fires and burn bridges is really shitty. Making people feel uncomfortable to speak up because they might be attacked or cancelled for merely wanting a proper discussion is awful and I've seen enough.

For those of you who could really use a shoulder to lean on, my offer is here. I can't promise to be a perfect support, and if you're looking for some kind of mediator in an argument that won't be it. But I encourage anyone who needs to get their thoughts and feelings out to take that opportunity privately. Take a step back or a break if you feel like that's gonna help. If you're still unsure, do not hesitate to use any resource you can think of until something works. This has been hard on mental health for some people and it deserves to be acknowledged and given the attention necessary to help people recover.

I still love many people in the KinnPorsche fandom. I still love KinnPorsche. I would love things to heal, regardless of whatever comes out of this lawsuit. I would still love another season of the show if it were possible, for current and upcoming BOC projects to do well, and for the other actors and creators impacted to still enjoy happy lives and careers. I hope this post encourages thoughtfulness and honesty, and most of all, unity. If you've read this far, thanks for at least considering my input.

[scarywary]

But What Am I? pt. 4 cont.

Gender (the final part)

slight TW: old self-hating gender opinions

Last year, my partner at the time who identified as nonbinary was talking to me about gender affirming surgery. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but the main points were that they struggled a bit with it because they didn't believe that it was a requirement for anyone and completely irrelevant. But that was also hard for them because of the dysphoria they felt about their chest and their consideration of/desire for top surgery. In response I told them my own feelings on the matter.

I too do not believe that a person's body has anything to do with their gender or what makes them them. If someone wants to have surgery to make them feel more themself or more comfortable then they should have it. I also let them in on my feelings towards my own gender. I told them that I was a woman, sure, but that I have long felt that whatever I feel or say it is IS what being a woman is because I say so and it's my personal identity regardless of how others define it for themselves.

Recently I realized the word "woman" doesn't feel like it fits me. It never really has but it was the closest thing I had to who I am. It made me feel weird and wrong when applied to me. When I was 23, I first heard of people using the pronouns "they/them." It had begun to enter into the mainstream and someone mentioned it to me at work. WARNING: MY REACTIONS AND TAKES ON THIS WERE BIZARRE, UNEDUCATED, INCORRECT, and frankly nonsensical and I now realize subconsciously jealous. I had learned of people using "ze/zim" pronouns and what that meant when I was 21. It made complete since to me and those were whole new words and I thought it was brilliant.

People using they/them pronouns felt kind of fucked to me though. Again this is bizarre, but my first thought was that these were people using plural pronouns to belittle, discredit, and insult trans people. I was fucking FURIOUS at that idea. And then I looked into it more, saw that this wasn't an attack on the trans community it was like the ze/zim pronouns I had heard of before and been immediately accepting and supportive of. But then I drunkenly and a bit angrily told my boss at the time that I could never be with someone that used they/them pronouns. We couldn't have kids together -- what would our kids call them? I was speaking disgusting, uninformed, jealous nonsense. I am still ashamed when remembering how I spoke in this moment. I think about it and shudder and groan at the memory of how hateful, stupid, and contradictory my words were. She asked me why this was important to me and why it bothered me. I struggled to put words to my feelings and frustration.

"Gender doesn't mean anything or matter -- we all just pick one and it's whatever we say it means to us individually!"

The day after this discussion, I started looking into it more. I searched and read what I could find online. I learned how small and closed-minded I had been. I saw that this was simply new verbiage to me and saw that, as I already knew and said had before -- our genders are what we say, what we feel we are, who we know we are despite what we were assigned at birth. Some people are both. Some people are neither. The list of identities are vast and beautiful. I didn't know why I had become so muddled in that moment when I had accepted it before. What the fuck was my deal? My deal was that I had had to choose a box and been stuck inside of it. I wasn't free like them. I didn't know that was why at that time. But I did know I had been wrong.

When I would introduce myself to people at work, I would ask each new person what pronouns they would like me to use. When they then asked me, I would say pronouns didn't matter to me. After awhile though I began to worry that that could feel invalidating to people. So I would simply say "she/her". It never felt quite right though. People using those pronouns for me didn't make me feel bad, but boxing myself in to only feminine pronouns felt weird and wrong. It made me feel... for lack of a better word embarrassed and like something was missing.

So, where do I sit with my gender today? What the fuck am I?

Well, I'm basically nothing and also a bit everything. After reflecting, what I identify as is agender. I feel no pull in either direction, but I also feel like a little of both. I want and need no gender. I feel no gender but also feel like any are applicable in some way even if it's just a tiny bit.

Because I often dress quite femininely -- wearing pretty dresses, dressing up like a fairy, and wearing what could be considered "feminine" makeup I had to be a women even if it didn't feel quite right. For anyone else I didn't think these expressions defined gender -- but for me it did. I wasn't deserving of anything else. I would be trying to somehow take something from trans and nonbinary people. Stupidity and self-hatred are the words for all of that.

Through therapy I have learned to love myself more -- not fully, not perfectly, and not all the time, but more. After accepting this and myself I realized that I CAN be neither. It is ok for me to identify as agender because that's who I am. It means nothing that I often dress femininely. It is ok that I like to wear things that show off my breasts some days. It's ok that on other days I prefer wearing my favorite sports bra that flattens my boobs more and feel and dress more masculine. It's ok that I like all pronouns when applied to me and get especially pleased when referred to in masculine pronouns and terms because it almost never happens and I like them too. None of these things tip or even create a scale that changes who I am and how I identify.

I have focused so much on the “not feeling womanly” side of things in these posts. I suppose that’s because that is the gender I was assigned so it’s the one I am separating from. It’s the one you would assume so it’s the one I want to draw a more clear line through. Feeling like my gender wasn’t quite right just resulted in me deciding gender didn’t mean much and could mean a lot more than girly or boyish. Whatever it means to someone is what it is. I stopped thinking that I wanted to be a boy when I was 8 or 9. I didn’t feel like a boy — or a girl but never in a way that I found concerning. I was whatever and I didn’t feel all that concerned about it. I still don’t, even when spending all of this time looking into myself and going through these memories. I care about knowing who I am. And who I am is someone that doesn’t feel like they have a gender annnnnd so what? Nothing new, really. Nothing changes with me.

Agender is of course under the trans umbrella. I still struggle with feeling worthy of and a part of the trans community, but I do in theory know that I am. It is simply me. I feel glad to have actually sat down and recognized what feels right to me. Because I so rarely consider that. Because it feels like progress. It feels cozy. I finally feel I better understand who I am. And that's pretty fucking dope.

[bitchinbarzal]

hi luna. as someone who follows both you and the other account,i just want to say the whole thing is shitty.

i’m not saying you did anything truly wrong but she never once name dropped but you name dropped her.

now on her side, she never ever should have said that you weren’t a girls girl and didn’t want women in sports seeing as you are in sports and you seem to be amazing at it and i love that and i look up to that as someone who wants to be in sports not necessarily on the media side as i would like to be on the medical side.

none of this weekend should have happened and it was completely shitty

regardless of my name being dropped or not; everyone knew who it was about. I would never have seen it should people not have pointed it out to me that I was being talked about. Yes I name dropped her, because I reblogged her post to reply to her. I also didn’t name drop her to slag her off, I reblogged her post and to be fair I don’t think I was rude in my reply and was genuinely looking to have a conversation about what was said about me.

it doesn’t matter if she knew it was me or not, to say that about anyone? horrible. if it was someone random who didn’t have followers it still doesn’t make anything that was said ok.

she replied to someone who said they had to unfollow me because I blocked the canucks account she replied I was insane which in itself is hypocritical because how is that anon allowed to unfollow me because they don’t want to consume my content but I’m not allowed to block the canucks so their content doesn’t come up on my FYP because I don’t want to consume it?

then when someone said it wasn’t nice to call me insane she called me immature & crazy. Then proceeded to break down my character by insinuating I wasn’t a “girls girl” which I take as I don’t care about other women and how I don’t support women in sports when all I do is support women in sports. I don’t think I was rude or mean when I replied saying how I didn’t appreciate what was said and to this very moment have still yet to be acknowledged.

You don’t all get to have a jolly and talk about me then stand behind “we didn’t say your name” I don’t give a toss if you said my name or not the substance of the conversation still stands, it was about me! How would you like if people who don’t know you started looking at you in public, talking about you, but they don’t know your name and they never said it so you’re not allowed to be annoyed. Is that ok?

All I’ve done since Saturday is get messages like this blaming me for defending my character. I have anon’s who have said some horrible stuff about her, horrible things but I haven’t posted them because why would I do that? I don’t intend to hurt her, that’s not who I am as a person to attack her. those anons of mine also don’t name her, should I be allowed to post them then? because that’s what you’re saying right? That as long as we don’t name people we’re free to insinuate whatever we like about people?

this isn’t drama. this is my life, this is my character. you don’t all get to tell me how to feel and when I’m upset about it tell me that I’m just as bad as her because I never once called her names the way she and her anon’s did. she is not solely to blame, she didn’t just start posting this because she doesn’t like me or something, he followers sent these in.

[fedorahead]

i've been talking with my husband on the topic of the hypervigilance of oppressed minorities and traumatized people in general.

when a group of people are under constant threat, the individuals in those groups have to face every situation with the understanding that it can be an attack on them, it can be a threat to their safety or their life, it can destroy their relationships and even interfere with their jobs or housing or children. i know this, firsthand, as i imagine many people on this site do... and i'm demonstrably not above overcompensating for that looming threat myself, but i often struggle to see it in others. and thinking of myself as a threat, or a potential one, has to be a mindful exercise because it does not come naturally and honestly i haven't ever really had a strong need to consider.

i dunno if we're all really being played against each other. it feels like it, a lot of the time. but we all have to see each other as potentially life ruining, because honestly any stranger could be with the wrong series of choices or too public an online persona or letting too many details of your life out where people can find them.

and being in this headspace of at least a little bit but usually quite a lot more than a little bit on edge all the time is exhausting, it's awful, it makes us respond to things from that position of "this conversation is dangerous to me". which sucks somewhere like tumblr where regardless of what the people in charge are doing, the majority of the users are here for love, support, to share fandoms or art or whatever to create a beautiful space. and, often, to band together in solidarity. this is the only site i see hundreds of posts sending love and support to palestinians without the weird mysterious ~glitches~ that leave people unable to comment on pro-palestine posts. it's the only site i see mutual aid and emergency crowdfunding numbers actually go up as they get reblogged and passed around to people who may not even have enough for their own bills but are farther from homelessness than the person asking and so they donate what they can anyway. it's a beautiful community full of people stuck on survival mode, trying their best.

so i engaged with a post tonight earnestly, seeing it only from my perspective. which... is something we all need to work on as a general rule, but also i pride myself on my ability to see things from different angles and even being good at that i still very much did not understand the other side. explaining why i was getting pushback for what i said to someone who has less context and understanding helped me to realize, well, why i was getting pushback. and unlike experiences i've had before, in places more cynical and less communal, the people upset with me were also being earnest and i handled that poorly.

i don't ever want a trans woman (or anyone) on this website to feel like i am a danger to them, their safety... or even their joy on this site. because honestly, wrecking someone's day by being hostile to them is more than just getting some justice or being heard like it feels like in the moment. it's also adding to the pile of tiny and huge awful things they're dealing with already. it's telling that survival mode that yeah, actually, this time you were right and you should get up at arms at this person because they are damaging. because it is damage. every random pulse of cortisol from every self-righteous message is adding to the unnecessary shitty stress levels. every increasingly tense back and forth argument is a genuinely dangerous conflict on a biological level. our brains don't know the difference. and yeah, nobody's going to have a heart attack because somebody was a jerk to them online (i hope). but we have seen what too many jerks over too long does to. and when there's waves of negativity, it doesn't matter how big or small a part each person plays, because they're still adding up together to that wave. and trans women, every single trans woman right now, is facing one hell of a fucking wave.

so... i'm sorry my misread of a situation meant that i added to that. i'm sure it will happen again, but also, i think this will serve as a reminder to me next time to shut up, at least until i've actually put in the effort to understand what's even really being discussed, under the surface or on it, in the first place.

[aspd-culture]

Hey think I might have ASPD but I don't know for sure could you help me out? If not it's totally cool. I don't I feel guilt or remorse for my actions and I break rules alot, when I have the motivation to do stuff (But I do have like this extreme like Panic Attack sort of thing when I think people are going to hate me for breaking the rules and I'm going to get in trouble with them or ruin my reputation only when I think they'll find out though [even then only sometimes othertimes I just don't care so idk]) I disregard others boundaries (I used to be way worse, I think I can't remember alot of that stuff) and can get kinda rough with people physically when I'm irritated at them (This is more recent I've always been more verbally aggressive) and I think I might disregard my safety by putting myself in situations where I could get hurt but not caring. Aside from like two people I only care about people if they can give me something want and even with those two people I have to constantly remind myself of them so I don't forget they exist or disregard their boundaries. I'm almost always either kinda angry or bored (? [I have trouble recognising my emotions]) except when I'm around those two people or people I'm getting something from. If I go against my own morals I don't exactly feel guilty but more like I've lost my whole sense of self and I freeze up in a distress until I figure things out (might be an Autism thing). Anyways sorry if this ask makes no sense feel free to delete it.

No worries, this ask is actually super coherent and covers a good portion of the diagnostic criteria, which can help me point you in the right direction. However, please note I am not a medical professional, and even if I was I am not your personal professional, so I am unable to diagnose you. I can let you know what I think as someone with ASPD though!

Going by all the symptoms you pointed out here, I think you hit quite a few marks for ASPD criteria, and reading this very much reminds me of something I might have written a few years ago trying to describe myself.

One thing I want to make sure you know is that things like guilt are terms with specific definitions in the context of ASPD, but neurotypical people often refuse to define them for us since they think it's obvious, making it so we can't tell if we experience it or not. I on the other hand do my best to define it the way professionals have explained it to me.

Remorse/guilt in the context of ASPD refers to an instinct-based "bad" feeling, usually something similar to anxiety mixed with a low self-esteem spiral. This feeling typically occurs whenever you have done anything "wrong" - aka outside of social codes, moral codes, legal codes, or being generally disrespectful/insubordinate. This typically happens regardless of the chance of consequences or even getting caught at all. People without low remorse will feel this even when they know they have 100% gotten away with whatever it was, often even if they are in the right.

Fear of consequences, injuries to reputation, etc are generally not included in the definition of "remorse" professionals are using here. It is feeling bad exclusively because you did something "bad", and usually feeling an insistent desire to apologize or make ammends for (as opposed to covering up) whatever has been done.

Many pwASPD still have their own personal code of things they believe are right and wrong to do, and may feel a blow to their self esteem if they break that, but if it is a thing of "I broke my own rules" or "I might get in trouble" vs "I hurt somebody" or "I did something wrong", then it's in a gray area most professionals won't count as remorse.

It sounds to me like the "remorse" you're feeling may be more of an anxiety or trauma response to getting caught/in trouble, which is very common in pwASPD as caregivers usually try and overcorrect with fear to get us to behave. This may mimic remorse outwardly, which is why they do it, but internally as you mentioned it is not the same.

I would definitely recommend doing more research on ASPD, as it does seem you have many symptoms of it, and if at all possible talk to a mental health professional.

Plain text below the cut:

No worries, this ask is actually super coherent and covers a good portion of the diagnostic criteria, which can help me point you in the right direction. However, please note I am not a medical professional, and even if I was I am not your personal professional, so I am unable to diagnose you. I can let you know what I think as someone with ASPD though!

Going by all the symptoms you pointed out here, I think you hit quite a few marks for ASPD criteria, and reading this very much reminds me of something I might have written a few years ago trying to describe myself.

One thing I want to make sure you know is that things like guilt are terms with specific definitions in the context of ASPD, but neurotypical people often refuse to define them for us since they think it's obvious, making it so we can't tell if we experience it or not. I on the other hand do my best to define it the way professionals have explained it to me.

Remorse/guilt in the context of ASPD refers to an instinct-based "bad" feeling, usually something similar to anxiety mixed with a low self-esteem spiral. This feeling typically occurs whenever you have done anything "wrong" - aka outside of social codes, moral codes, legal codes, or being generally disrespectful/insubordinate. This typically happens regardless of the chance of consequences or even getting caught at all. People without low remorse will feel this even when they know they have 100% gotten away with whatever it was, often even if they are in the right.

Fear of consequences, injuries to reputation, etc are generally not included in the definition of "remorse" professionals are using here. It is feeling bad exclusively because you did something "bad", and usually feeling an insistent desire to apologize or make ammends for (as opposed to covering up) whatever has been done.

Many pwASPD still have their own personal code of things they believe are right and wrong to do, and may feel a blow to their self esteem if they break that, but if it is a thing of "I broke my own rules" or "I might get in trouble" vs "I hurt somebody" or "I did something wrong", then it's in a gray area most professionals won't count as remorse.

It sounds to me like the "remorse" you're feeling may be more of an anxiety or trauma response to getting caught/in trouble, which is very common in pwASPD as caregivers usually try and overcorrect with fear to get us to behave. This may mimic remorse outwardly, which is why they do it, but internally as you mentioned it is not the same.

I would definitely recommend doing more research on ASPD, as it does seem you have many symptoms of it, and if at all possible talk to a mental health professional.

[kayoi1234]

*still vibrating*

there's people who meta-vote, aka what happened in t1: it's when instead of voting according to forgiveness and personal opinion, you vote according to: - probable outcomes of verdicts - the public opinion going around and how much it is agreed on - what you think will happen to other characters if the current prisoner is judged forgiven/unforgiven

in t1 the reasoning was that by voting her unforgiven, it'd make her realize that shes doing bad things/the cult is wrong or something with "tough love", well guess what!! that only reaffirmed her more!!! because though love is exactly what the cult used on her!!!!!

also that bit about shidou: yeah he wont get shanked Now, but people still worry about her sabotaging his stuff. in the t2 voice drama she get her hands on scissors, hides them in her long sleeves, and tries to attack es (who is by all means untouchable if the intent of the prisoner is to cause harm), and while attacking other prisoners while es is awake is (iirc) impossible, who knows what she'll do between trials when theyre asleep for (probably) months !! she got the fucking scissors from a supply closet !! who knows what else is in there!!! (i havent read minigram but iirc they talk about it there? dont take my word for it)

meta voting Also happened to shidou, who has an interesting dilemma regarding his judgement: while he still thinks he shouldn't be forgiven, he sees how much he's needed in the prison (Triage: "Shall I fulfill your request and elect to live / ... / See, indispensable, I’m indispensable") and directly asks to be forgiven Because, after loosing his family, he has a reason to live again!! (Triage: "I want to be [forgiven], I want to live!" / "That’s right, there are lives that need safeguarding / So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable") all of that, regardless of what he actually did, got him a forgiven judgement anyway!!

it also happened to mikoto in t1 to a lesser extent (and i hesitate calling this meta-voting): tiktok people happened to found MeMe, saw the bathroom scenes, "damn he's hot *votes forgiven*". didnt really matter cuz his t1 ration is 31,57% forgiven to 68,43% unforgiven

this post got derailed but i hope you enjoy getting paragraphs from me first thing in the morning *hits send*

One: the beauty of being Australian is that whilst it might be morning for you it is like 7:20PM here so I am at the Exact Right Time to process new information

Two: Meta voting is such a wild concept and yet it is the exact thing that happens in real life when we vote for politicians lmao art imitates life or whatever lol.

But also it’s really funny that people did it the first time round with Amane, found out it didn’t work, and yet there are still people going “well maybe it’ll work a second time?” With the same amount of confidence as the person who planted bamboo in the ground and said “It’s not going to grow everywhere!”

Anyways also Shidou is real interesting because i’m ninety percent sure this isn’t going to do wonders for his mental health lol rip Dr Malpractice maybe you shouldn’t have stolen all those organs.

(Also poor Mikoto man. Wakes up in prison told he’s killed someone yet he can’t remember shit, gets called a murderer when he explicitly remembers Not Doing That, then the ps5 in his brain tells him he’s hot but also a killer and hey there’s another guy in here but no one ever tells him about the other guy in there because no one knows whats gonna happen if they do that all because some kid with twitch chat also in their brain ran a poll on some funky music video they got out of his head and went “Well sorry dude but unforgiven I guess”.

Also maybe there are actually three mikotos which is. You know the depths of the boy surely knows no bounds.)

[darthaddock]

Chapter 3: Doing What's Right

The lunchroom was much more crowded than I thought was possible. The school building wasn't that big compared to some of the other ones from other states. And I kinda like the fact that it's a bit more of a small community. Regardless though I got my food and sat at an empty table. It's funny, but my parents almost didn't let me go to this school because of the fact there were rumors that a random came here. I don't care. I'm probably the only person who would even consider standing up for them here. I've always been different, according to my parents anyway. They say I wasn't born with the right mindset and that I'll learn someday. Learn what exactly? I'm not sure. I like hanging out with the randoms. It may sound weird, but it's true. If my parents got wind of it they'd freak out. I come from a fairly rich family and I try to use my allowance to help the people around me. If my parents knew about it though, they'd cut me off.

I began to eat the cafeteria food, it wasn't the best. But I know there are people who would beg for this. So who am I to complain?

I glanced up when something red caught my eye near the door. I didn't know what it was then, but I would very soon. Then I heard the yelling: a couple of guys were just on top of this girl who had walked in. Seemingly for no reason whatsoever.

I was immediately up and over there in a flash prying these guys off of her.

“What kind of all time low is this,” I asked one of them, “that you would gang up on a defenseless girl? What happened to fighting like men and respect for women?”

They looked like they were floored that I had said this. I just looked at them and told them if I caught them doing it again there would be consequences for their actions. And they all say back down. I helped her up and put my hands on her shoulders. “You okay?” I asked her. She was beautiful. She had fire-red hair, and deep, blue-gray eyes. She was wearing a pair of black pants and a gray sweater that looked like it's seen better days. I don't know why, but there was something there. Something that people normally don't have. But I couldn't have told you what.

She gave me a look that to me came across as pure shock combined with some sort of death glare. Then with a very jerky motion she wrenched herself away from me and simply said “I'm fine, now leave me alone. You'll be better off that way.”

“Listen,” I replied, “I don't know why those guys attacked you, but whatever the reason be it was wrong of them.”

“Yeah? Well why don't you just ask them why, maybe they'll let you join the dog pile next time.”

“I'm not like that.” I paused, then continued by asking, “Do you have any friends?”

“Why does that concern you? And how is it not already blatantly obvious to your dumb ass that I don't have any?”

“Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But I never caught your name.”

“Phoenix.” Was the response I was given. She sounded pretty annoyed about me having asked, but I genuinely wanted to know who I'd just saved a few bruises.

“My name's Cole. And if you don't have any friends,” I continued cautiously, “then is it okay if I sit with you?”

She turned around to face me. “Will you take no for an answer?”

“No.”

She sighed, “Then there's no way I'm able to stop you without getting licked myself.” she replied. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice still, but I decided to ignore it. I've seen what putting walls up can do to people, and typically, when someone is excessively bullied, they act aggressive like this. It's not normally what they're actually like.

We sat at an otherwise empty table, and I tried a little small talk during the course of lunch to no avail. And as Phoenix got up to throw her trash away I noticed two things: scars on her wrists, and Sharpie drawings on her left arm. Stuff like skulls and fire.

I then made the mistake of commenting on how she was a great artist. She smacked me with her food tray and walked off.

‘Okay. Don't bring up the Sharpie tattoos. Got it.’ I made a mental note for next time.

[free--therapy]

It's anon!

This fear I had back then kinda came back recently...like having anxiety about anxiety itself. Like feeling different than people around me (who don't seem to worry or overthink about pointless stuff like I do like intrusive thoughts and such) or something like that.

You know how many people call it an illness? But that makes me feel weird. Because it's not like I have some illness or disease that needs to be cured right? It's not an illness that I have to cure by taking pills or something. It's just a stress response that led me to forming a habit of worrying and overthinking.

Anxiety is a normal feeling that every human feels and every one worries about things every now and then. It's just in my case, they overthinking and worrying has become a habit because my mind gets anxious whenever I have any irrational thoughts or what ifs.

So I believe that labelling it as a condition or basically a "disorder" makes more sense because then I can believe that I'm not ill but rather just have made a habit of overthinking and worrying and gotten stuck in a anxious cycle is all.

I've been reminding myself that anxiety is a common feeling and that there's nothing wrong with me.

And so I know I can replace these unhealthy thinking patterns with healthier ones and get my mind to a more healthy state again where it feels anxiety in normal levels like every human does!

But you know I had gotten two books back then that I still have which are actually very helpful when it comes to anxiety. One is "At Last A Life" by Paul David and other is "Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-based Approach" by psychologist Sally M. Winston. Both are really good books.

The things my therapist from two years back told me are very similar to what I read in those books. Both books talk about anxiety being a stress response from unhealthy thinking habits over time.

But both also talk about recovery in a very easy to understand way. Things like when I worry about how to get out of this situation of anxiety, I can remind myself that I don't need to do anything. Umm I didn't explain that well actually.

But just that all the thoughts we have are in the end, just thoughts. They bear no certainty or absolute truth. So we can observe them without judgement and without feeling the need to "do" something about it.

Similarly, for stuff like panic attacks or de-realization too, we don't have to actively "try" to get rid of those feelings.

So basically, when we feel anxious, feel any physical symptoms or find ourselves overthinking and worrying, instead of thinking of it as "abnormal" we can think of it as normal response of our body to perceived threat. Something that everyone has!

And so instead of trying to get rid of those thoughts or feelings or sensations, it's to accept them and allow them and continue with life regardless because they are not actually harmful! So allowing whatever thoughts or feelings to come and not caring about the "content" of the thoughts but rather, not deeming them as important by not trying to get away from them is the key to recovery.

There's this sentence I read: Recovery happens when it no longer matters whether you have these thoughts or not. When that sense of importance is removed from the thoughts and they remain what they really are: just thoughts that every one has.

I think it's a great way of thinking about this whole thing.

What do you think about this?

I tend to wake up every morning and within a few seconds I'll think something like "oh but I'm dealing with anxiety" or "oh but I've been having problems with these xyz thoughts"

That's the thinking I want to change. So instead of thinking like that, when I wake up, I try to replace those old thoughts with something like "oh I've just been overthinking about my thoughts this past one month that's all" or "I don't have to control the outcome but just focus on living life knowing that I'm okay"

So instead of thinking"oh I've been dealing with anxiety" I try to think something along the lines of "I've just been worrying and overthinking about my irrational thoughts is all"

It's not something that has "happened" to me like an illness. So it's not because I "have" anxiety disorder that I have these thoughts or that I worry about these thoughts. But rather it's the other way around. It's because I get anxious from these thoughts and worry and overthink about them that it's labelling as anxiety.

When I think like that, I can think more clearly. Basically, when I stop trying to solve the problems in my mind that don't actually exist, and learn to think of these thoughts as just "thoughts" without judgement, the anxiety will go away by itself.

So it's not the "anxiety" itself that I need to combat but rather the overthinking and worrying. When I learn to do that properly, the anxiety will go away by itself. Something like that.

Because I've suddenly started thinking about anxiety like I did two years ago. Like it's something that's happened to me and that's causing all the thoughts and worries. But that makes it seem like I need to do something about the anxiety which I know is a wrong way to think.

When I learn to accept, allow and deal with the irrational thoughts, when I stop trying to indulge in the worrying and overthinking, those thoughts will go away on their own and so will the anxiety.

Of course, it's a normal response so I may feel it from time to time like anyone else but I'll be okay.

Also, when I find myself worrying about the anxiety itself and overthink thoughts like "will the anxiety always stay?" "Or this anxiety is something that has happened to me" or "how can I recover or if it's even possible?" When I think about thoughts like that, is it still okay to label them as just thoughts too and not believe them? Is it okay to move on from them?

Is that a healthy way to think?

I'm kinda confused. Am I ill or is this just a setback? Am I simply overthinking and worrying too much about things I read/watched related to anxiety?

How do I approach this? Is it okay to keep doing what I was doing? That is, to label all irrational intrusive thoughts as thoughts and move on?

But when my mind makes me think "you're mentally ill right now" so what do I do about that thought? Do I just label it as a thought and not "fact" and move on too? And if it's true then what? What do I do? I'm so confused about this 😭

I mean, when the intrusive irrational thoughts are about something else like intrusive images, or worrying about something else then I can remind myself this is just a thought and not true. But when the worry thoughts are about anxiety itself? Then what do I do?

Because for me, all that's happening is I'm overthinking and worrying about all the what ifs and irrational intrusive thoughts of all sorts. But then eventually getting clarity and moving on. So idk I'm kinda confused on how to go about it?

Until now, with all my other thoughts, (like intrusive images or what ifs about other things), I used to tell myself "it's normal. Everyone has these kinds of thoughts but most people don't bother with it. They can just not be bothered by them or even if they do get bothered, they can easily move on" so I used to think "well I can learn to do it like that too because I have been doing that the past year and a half too! Suppose if my sister can imagine xyz intrusive image and not be bothered then I can learn to let it go too"

But what about worry thoughts about anxiety and anxiety disorders and mental illness itself? How do I treat them? The same as all other thoughts?

Do I tell myself that I'm fine and just overthinking about this too?

And this is sort of unrelated but my sister has a habit of sometimes plucking her hair. I just read about this recently again so I thought I should ask? She says it's fun to feel the different textures of hair and the thing is I used to have this habit too. For the same reason- I thought it was fun to feel different textures of hair but I left it. Now she has it. But once in a while, I may find myself doing it too but it's like...whatever. Umm I know it can be a condition too but if it's simply for fun, is it still a problem/condition? Or is it just a bad habit? Because I remember reading something two years back about it being a BFRB disorder "trichotillomania" or something. But again, what I meant to ask was- is it always a disorder or condition or can it just be a bad habit if it isn't triggered by any distress or isn't excessive and doesn't cause any distress?

I mean, if it isn't affecting my life in any way and isn't necessarily triggered by anything, if it isn't really a bother then? Or does the criteria like what part of the body you pull hair from or anything else matter? I hadn't even noticed it or never thought about it because it's a minor thing...once in a while habit sort of. And since I have strawberry skin and ingrown hairs, I sometimes tend to pick at it too like if I'm doing nothing and see it but it's a very minor thing. But when I read that post recently, I suddenly started worrying if it's a disorder too? Or is it a BFRB too? Or something like that.

I'm so confused as to what makes it a "problem" versus when it's just a habit like any other? Am I just overthinking again?

Hey Anon

Yea, I don't like to call it an illness, maybe a disorder if anything, but that's only because your mind is thinking irrationally, which triggers an emotional and physical response in the body…but like you said, it's not really something that you need to cure because anxiety is a helpful and necessary survival mechanism of our bodies. It's definitely something EVERY one feels. I don't believe that anyone is completely fearless because you can skydive but still be afraid of spiders or get nervous/anxious taking a test or making sure you don't get hit by a car when you're crossing the road. It's just a matter of everyone's ability to handle those worries and stresses, which is where society has severely crippled most of us.

Yes! We are merely just observers of our thoughts! We do not have to act on them, but we can allow them to be thought and accept them for what they are, whether we want them or not. We can control how we react to them.

There's this sentence I read: Recovery happens when it no longer matters whether you have these thoughts or not. When that sense of importance is removed from the thoughts and they remain what they really are: just thoughts that every one has.

I LOVE THIS. It's so true! It's really all about a shift in your mindset to no longer let your thoughts have control over you. It takes practice and patience to get to this point, but it's definitely possible.

I know what you mean by having those kinds of thoughts when you wake up. I would wake up with similar thoughts, but moreso about my depression.

When I think like that, I can think more clearly. Basically, when I stop trying to solve the problems in my mind that don't actually exist, and learn to think of these thoughts as just "thoughts" without judgement, the anxiety will go away by itself.

Yes! You're definitely grasping what it means to not let your thoughts have control over you. This is amazing

Also, when I find myself worrying about the anxiety itself and overthink thoughts like "will the anxiety always stay?" "Or this anxiety is something that has happened to me" or "how can I recover or if it's even possible?" When I think about thoughts like that, is it still okay to label them as just thoughts too and not believe them? Is it okay to move on from them? Is that a healthy way to think?

Yes! I know it almost feels sort of meta to have those kinds of thoughts, but you're really just reminding your mind that you're self-aware now and that even these kinds of thoughts are still just thoughts…and honestly, I think they're normal to have as a person who is now self-aware lol. You're on the right track, even though it may feel like you're confusing yourself. Like I mentioned above, you are just an observer of your thoughts, so it's normal to think these things and to even label them as just thoughts and not facts because they're not rooted in factual evidence.

There was a time where I used to think I was addicted to being depressed and that I just wanted to stay that way, even though I was trying to get help. It's honestly just SO hard to think of yourself thinking differently or changing because you've been so used to being one way.

The thing with trichotillomania is that it's another stress response, but it's more compulsive to extreme senses. I used to have this at some point too (not too severely) and I found that through healing my depression and anxiety, it lessened over time. I do that thing too where I look for a weird texture in my hair and pull it out, but it's usually when I'm bored. It was a bad habit of mine in the past and I think it was because it gave me a sense of control because I was filtering out the "bad" hairs because they were different than the rest. Or at least that's what I think it was lol. It can definitely become a bad habit for some people because they'll do it to a point where they get bald spots, which can then lead to self-esteem issues and so forth. I think it's normal for people to want to "nitpick" at themselves and I mean have the wanting to pop pimples, pull out ingrown hairs, etc., but it's the extreme end where it crosses the line of bad habits into a disorder. And no, I don't think it matters where on the body you do it. People pluck all their eyebrows and eyelashes out, their body hair, etc.

[dzthenerd490]

Dark Blood Chapter 28: Better Days

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Minor trigger warning this chapter contains a few depictions of manipulation, upsetting imagery, grief, torture, and pain. reader's discretion is still advised.

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Almost a month has passed since Virdis attacked the mansion, since then things have calmed down with no further Arkum or Fallen attacking. However, the peace they had received left the most foolish of the group to relax and laugh the days away, thinking the worst was finally over. On the other hand, the wiser and more cautious ones were training and getting prepared for the inevitable attack from Insaro and his army. But as the days went by more kids were turning into Zerku, so in order to keep up; Ivan, Kyle, Sarah, and Isabell made a rule for anyone who has become a Zerku to report it to the older kids immediately so that their powers can be recorded and tested. Now out of the 124 remaining kids at the mansion 47 were officially Zerku.

The ones that didn't know how to control or make their powers work were in the mansion practicing with Isabell, Walter, Sound, and Sarah. The others Zerku and humans who were willing to fight were outside at the large field training with Cane, Jackson and Sam watching them train while Kyle was out on a scouting trip. Half of the trainees were doing sword exercises while the other half got into pairs and were sparing. As Jackson was walking past the trainees that were sparing, he saw some of the other kids laying under the trees.

"*sigh* they can't be serious." Sam then noticed Jackson not paying attention to the trainees, so she walked over to him to see what was wrong

"what's up?"

"Them!"

"Oh yeah, just let them be Jackson, if they want to waste precious training time for relaxing then that's their problem, not ours."

"we're going to need all the help we can get girl! Regardless of whether they want to help or not they still should!"

"To be honest I don't even know why we're training."

"What?"

"We have Kyle on our side and he's like superman for crying out loud! He could probably take out all the Arkums in the blink of an eye!"

"Oh yeah! And while he's out there doing all the fighting, we can just sit here and relax with some smoothies!"

"... I was just saying."

"I'm not going to be useless anymore girl. Besides Kyle can't watch over us forever, he may be the strongest guy we know, but he's still just a kid like the rest of us. He needs help fighting those things and I plan on being one of the people to give him that help."

"Are you serious!" They both looked to one of the slackers under the trees who was now talking and walking toward them.

"How could you possibly help Kyle?! You may be a Zerku or whatever, but you're not anywhere near his level! Just do what we do and let him do the work!"

"you guys are cowards! Hiding under trees while others are fighting for their lives!"

"it's not cowardly to run from a fight you know you can't win, it's called being smart, you should try it sometime!"

"Whatever, I don't care anymore! If you want to keep slacking off and be useless that's fine by me and the others are gonna keep doing our part in making sure we win this war!"

"War?! You think this is a war?! You're crazy Jackson! You need some help man!" Jackson just grunted and walked off back to the trainees trying to ignore the slacker. The slacker just kept laughing at him while walking back to the trees. They continued training for another 10 minutes before the trainees were dismissed for the day. Everyone then either went under the trees to relax for a little while others went back into the mansion. Jackson started walking to the mansion as well, but Sam stopped him.

"what's up?"

"don't you want to wait for Kyle?"

"Why? The guy doesn't need me in order to land here. Besides now that we're done training Cane is gonna want the field to himself so he can continue on his garden, you know that guy will try to kill me again if I don't let him know."

"Ok."

"... something up?"

"it's just the way you've been maturing; from how you want to help everyone no matter how difficult it would be. You went from a badass kid who was full of himself to a caring and brave man who is always willing to lend a hand."

"don't give me too much credit girl, I was always a man."

"... sure whatever." Jackson noticed Sam rolling her eyes, but she walked off before he could say anything; rather than going after her, he instead grunted and walked into the mansion.

Kyle was soaring in the sky heading back toward the mansion. Grizz was in his pocket with his head peeking out, but not too much to keep the wind from hitting his face. Kyle then saw the mansion in sight and then flew down and landed softly to not hurt Grizz. Sam ran toward him to greet him, but as she got closer to Kyle, she noticed that he wasn't smiling like he normally did. She could feel instantly in her heart that something was wrong. She was about to ask what the problem was but once she got close enough Grizz jumped out of Kyle's pocket onto Sam's head then curled up into a ball to sleep.

"Did he just fall asleep? Gosh how much sleep does the little puff ball need?"

"Hm, I don't really know I haven't been keeping track."

"Sooo, did you find anything interesting?"

"I found him." Sam's heart skipped a beat out of fear she knew exactly what Kyle was referring to when he said 'him'

"w- where is he."

"he's about several miles away from us and he has an army of Arkums, Freaks, and other kids like Virdis."

"The Fallen?"

"The kids with not only powers but also tentacles on their backs too, yeah."

"Great... wait! Virdis had tentacles?!"

"Yeah, and there's around a hundred others like him in Insaro's army, and their all heading this way."

"Jesus, can we even kill them all." Sam was shaking while staring into space leaving her eyes lifeless, but Kyle put his hands on her shoulders to calm her down.

"don't worry, I'll do my best to keep them away from everyone." Sam looked up to Kyle, she instantly felt safe with him by her side. She was about to blush joyfully but then she remembered what Jackson said about refusing to let Kyle do all the fighting. She thought he was just trying to act tough at the time but now she thought he might have a point. Kyle may be superman compared to the rest but he's still just one guy, he'll die if he fights Insaro and his army. Not to mention if the apocalypse really is worldwide, he might have to fight Arkums and freaks as strong as Insaro, if not stronger. There's no way they would survive if Kyle had to fight them all by himself, he would die and so would everyone else. Jackson was right, Kyle needed help and Sam was ready to let him know.

"No Kyle, you're not going to fight alone anymore you should let us help this time."

"Sam, I don't think that's a good idea." Sam knew he was going to say something like that, but she still looked at Kyle in frustration and punched him in the chest. He was stubborn in his devotion to protect everyone, but Sam knew it would lead to his downfall.

"don't give me that! Ow..." Sam was now holding her hand in pain, punching Kyle's chest was light hitting a titanium wall.

"Ah... ahem, you gave us the swords and encouraged us to train for a reason!" Sam made sure to speak loud enough so that everyone else in the field could listen to her talk. She was hoping this would encourage others to help in the fight. Kyle, however, knew what she was trying to do and tried to deescalate the situation.

"Yes, to defend yourselves!"

"No, to fight! This is our home too! our world! It's what we fight for! We are not going to stand around like a bunch of cowards and wait for help to come! We are going to fight those monsters and make them regret they ever came here! They took our parents and our homes! Its time for some payback! So, Kyle Please, don't stop us! let us fight with you!" some others who listened in started clapping and cheering on Sam, she smiled at how well it worked while Kyle was disappointed at how things turned out. He did give them weapons to fight, but the more he learned about Insaro and other Arkums he realized that no matter what weapon humans or regular Zerku were equipped with they would certainly die. As such, despite how difficult it would be he would rather fight them on his own instead of having his friends fight along side him.

Still, he knew how stubborn or determined most of them were, especially Jackson and Sam, so talking them out if it would be difficult. Yet Sam just made it even more difficult practically to the point that it's impossible now. Before Kyle could begin his protest the slacker from before entered the crowd and started laughing. His laughter was filled with sarcasm, making everyone quiet as he walked past them and toward Sam and Kyle.

"Wow Sam! What a speech! But completely pointless."

"Oh, come on, not you again! What the hell do you want?"

"Come on people! It's not that hard to understand! You can train and prepare all you want but, in the end, the only one that can make a difference is Kyle!" Sam was now mad, she was just about ready to punch the slacker. However, before she could Kyle got in front of her and faced the Slacker. He did agree with the slacker but didn't like how he was talking.

"I'm sorry who are you?"

"The name's Simon."

"Well, 'Simon' I don't appreciate you giving Sam that attitude."

"I'm still right though, why should we do any fighting when you can take them out all by yourself so why should any of us bother."

"I protect you all because I want to, but you are starting to discourage me."

"Oh, who cares what you think, you'll still protect us or at least me."

"Excuse me? Why would I risk my life for a prick like you?"

"Because I said so." Simon looked straight at Kyle's eye's and his own eyes started to glow green.

"Now protect me with your life!" Sam was shocked to know that the slacker apparently named Simon was a Zerku; he wasn't recorded which means it only happened recently or he was hiding it this whole time. Simon was sure his powers would work on Kyle, but it didn't do anything but make Kyle mad. Kyle then grabbed Simon by the throat and then threw him to the ground.

"If I was going to do anything to you it would be to make you a meat shield." Simon was coughing violently while trying to get his breath back.

"*cough, cough* How did you resist? *Cough, cough*" Simon's voice was weakened making him sound more like an old man rather than a teen.

"I don't know but I do know that if anyone turns into a Zerku they are supposed to talk to the Council right away." Kyle then pointed to the mansion, thanks to the regeneration Simon recovered easily. However, as he got up, he glared angrily at Kyle and Sam but then went to the mansion. Sam smiled proudly at Simon's pitiful defeat while Kyle just slumped in disappointment. He really wanted to convince her to just let him fight alone but he also knew that persisting on the topic further would be a waste of time.

Kyle just sighed in defeat and went into the mansion; he was heading straight for the council members of the news about Insaro. When he entered, Sound was right there, she was just about to leave the mansion. She was wearing an elegant and beautiful black dress most likely given to her by Isabell.

"Oh, hey Kyle, what's wrong?"

"Sound, I need you to get the others... he's coming." Sound was struck with fear, but she took a breath, nodded to Kyle, and did as he asked. An hour later everyone halted what they were doing, and Sarah, Kyle, Isaac, Ethan, Cane, Oliver, Olivia, Benjamin, Sound, Jackson, Marco, Sam, Roger, and Isabell all met up in the library.

"So, the fu- jerk that took my arm is coming here to end things once and for all? good! my lucky day!" Jackson then raised his fake blood arm and flexed it proudly.

"It won't be so simple Jackson, Insaro is no doubt stronger now than the last time we encountered him, and may I remind you we only survived out of sheer luck... most of us I mean." Jackson then remembered Tyler and looked down in shame, it was true if they were going to fight Insaro again it wouldn't end well, even Jackson had to acknowledge that. Kyle then cleared his throat to get everyone's attention so that he could tell them where Insaro was.

"I saw in the west side of the woods and he's heading straight for the mansion, he probably got our location from Virdis. Though he's actually progressing quite slowly in fact he and his army were taking their time as they killed all the trees and wildlife in the way." Just then Cane slammed his fist on one of the tables in anger.

"He has a full death squad of Arkums and an army of freaks with a second army of kids like Virdis."

"Oh yes those psychotic children that have black eyes and white dots for iris, not to mention those disgusting tentacles. I believe they call themselves the Fallen, am I wrong?"

"The Fallen? Why are they called that?"

"Well, I'm not religious but from what that freak we learned encountered on the street; the Arkums are basically Demons and the Zerku are Angels. I heard that some demons are actually fallen angles or angles that rebel against God. So perhaps that's why they are called such, it would make sense given Virdis had the black ooze inside of him."

"Ok first of all gross, second of all rebels against god? Hey Kyle, didn't you say that god's name was Eden or something?"

"Yeah or at least that's what he told me when he gave me my new power."

"Hey man! I got an idea! If this Eden dude helped Kyle get new powers, then maybe he can do the same for us!"

"Eden was kind, wise, and caring to all but I think he gave me my powers because he wanted me to fight on my own." Sam then punched Kyle in the shoulder to show him her annoyance with his persistence of fighting alone. However, like before, Sam quickly regretted it as her fist was now throbbing with pain.

"So what? Should we pray so he can give us new powers like yours?"

"I'm... not really sure."

"What? Why not?"

"I just- when I met Eden the way for it to happen... I was eaten alive by freaks." Everyone's hearts were instantly filled with fear.

"Dear god."

"Kyle? Are you ok?"

"Yeah of course I'm fine. But I don't think we can rely on Eden so easily."

"God works in mysterious ways, right? Damn... well this sucks."

"So, what do we do now?"

"Insaro is coming for us one way or another, so we need to get ready to fight."

"B- But maybe instead we should just... run?" Everyone then looked at Olivia, what they suggested was not a bad idea but for some it didn't feel like a good one either.

"I hate to sound like a coward, but I agree with Olivia if we can, we should run rather than gamble with our lives on a battle we will most likely lose."

"Hey bro, I hear your logic, but I just don't agree with you. I mean look at where we are, when are we ever gonna find a place as nice as this? Even if we do find a good place to hide, what then? Do we just keep hiding until that Insaro prick gets bored? Fat chance bro, besides my dad, despite being the asshole he was, always said that if you put off a problem today then you have to do it tomorrow. So, I say we kill the bas- prick now!"

"it's not like we have a choice really."

"Huh?"

"Insaro saw me flying in the air the moment he did, several of the Arkums ran out ahead in different directions. I couldn't keep up with them all but if I had to guess their surrounding the mansion to keep us from escaping."

"... Then it's settled we fight!" most of the table ended up agreeing with the idea now that it proved to be the better option. Olivia and Isaac were still somewhat against it, but they knew better than to complain and agreed as well.

"Right then, I'll get to creating more blood weapons."

"Wait bro! I need you to reinforce something." Jackson then zoomed out of the room then returned a second later with a bloody bolt arrow. At first everyone was confused but then Sam and Rodger started shaking in fear as if they were in a nightmare.

"I- Is that?"

"The arrow that killed Tyler." now everyone was shocked especially Kyle, he knew Tyler was gone but now he knew he died by his own arrow.

"Why the hell do you have that?" Sam was starting to tear up wondering how Jackson could hold the weapon that killed his best friend.

"An eye for a fucking eye! When that bastard shows up, I'm gonna stab this right threw his heart and then rip his fu- stupid head off!" Sam was still upset with Jackson having the bolt in the first place. Sam wanted to slap it out of his head, but Roger put his hand on her shoulder to stop her he then faced Jackson with determination.

"... go for it then, just make it count alright?" Roger managed swallowed his fear and replaced it with anger, he missed Tyler too and wanted Insaro to pay for his death, so he was all for it. Kyle then went on ahead and used his blood to coat the arrow and harden it so that it could pierce Insaro's skin and hopefully kill him.

"Alright then I'll gather everyone who can fight and give them some weapons."

"We're gonna need armor as well. I can make the basic shape and you can reinforce it with your blood."

"Uh, slow down Sam, Kyle doesn't have infinite blood... wait, do you?"

"Oh uh... I don't know."

"You don't know?!"

"I haven't been keeping track! But I mean I've been fine so far, so what's the issue?" Just then one of the surfers rushed into the library.

"There you guys are! We got trouble! Freaks spotted in the forest!"

"Shit! Get everyone inside now!"

"We're already on it Jackson but that's not the issue, they're not attacking! they've surrounding us! We've been cut off in every direction! we're not in danger but we can't leave either!" Now silence filled the room as uneasiness seeped into everyone's hearts.

"Damn it! so there really is no other option but to fight."

"it's the best option bro! These freaks and demons have been pushing us around and act like they own the place! But this is our planet bro! So, let's make them pay!"

"Alright everyone get the youngest of us into the mansion and equip everyone for battle! It's do or die at this point!"

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[nicostiel]

“Cyberbullying can cause debilitating fear, destruction of self-esteem, social isolation, poor academic performance. It can also lead to difficulty in forming healthy relationships and most importantly, victims can develop severe symptoms of post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression.”