#but when i read about ptsd i start like crying and i feel so ugly and unlovable and broken and i just wish i wasn't so fucked up

[delta8vape]

god rlly said im going to give this bitch a beautiful soul but also give her adhd and ptsd she'll be fine :-)

[theetherealbloom]

UNEVEN ODDS - CH. 6

Chapter Six: I Swear A Million Times To Hold You Just The Way You Like

Summary: The Reader is dragged into the Last of Us universe and has no choice but to watch the events unfold or will she be able to change what was already written?

Paring: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER AHH, (besties wrap it up!) Lowkey this chapter was poorly edited so sorry! Age-gap Romance, Violence, ANGST, Swearing, Suicide, FLUFF, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Crying, Suggestive content, the pandemic, character death, INFECTED, MY SCIENCE IS WONKY, probable plot holes, rusty writing, TLOU is dark please read at your own risk! (MINORS, please run away :,)

Word Count: 17.3k (I hope this makes up for the delay my bad)

A/N: HELLAUR HOOMANS! Thank you again for all the love and support you have given me for this series! I truly appreciate you all for being here <3 This chapter and episode feels a little bit personal to write since I am someone who also has PTSD, so when I watched Pedro’s performance during those difficult panic attack scenes, I truly felt represented and seen. For me, my PTSD is subtle and not overly loud or noticeable at first glance, so when I saw it being portrayed that way I started ugly crying pls--

Song: Sweet Disaster by Oh Wonder

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TLOU WORLD – 2023

THREE MONTHS LATER…

WYOMING WILDERNESS, HEADING WEST – DAY

It’s been three months since the incident, and neither of you spoke about what happened that morning in Kansas City. The past few months of walking West have proven a challenge as the seasons begin to change. As you suspected, you noticed Joel slowly let Ellie in; he taught her how to look for tracks and how to properly keep watch the first time he fell asleep. Her questioning, her loving attitude, her nasty language, everything entered his heart gradually. He hadn't planned on it, but he now cares for her. You, on the other hand, were already fond of her, you taught her the more “fun” activities. Like looking for more constellations as time passes by, continuing educating her ASL, and teaching a few of your favorite songs from your original reality.

You occasionally hummed as the seasons changed, trying to fill the silence and somber with music. Joel and Ellie didn’t seem to mind, you asked if they were bothered or annoyed but Joel grunted, “Better than Ellie asking a million more questions.” You simply chuckled while Ellie protested and began to defend herself. And then there were the moments you couldn’t quite label. Small touches between you and Joel, providing each other comfort now and then, knowing how bad the loneliness can get to anyone. A squeeze on your shoulder, the brushing of fingers, and if you were lucky, you’d get to hold his hand for a period of time as you trekked through the terrain. You swore there were times you felt his gaze roaming every mile of skin you had, but every time you turned to look he was already busy doing something else.

The branches have exchanged their leaves for white sleeves and all warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe. As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high, this world gets rewritten and retraced every time. After seeing Cody crawling with infected, you three headed out to the large forest to find out if Tommy is still alive and in hiding. Even Ellie tried to point out that there was a possibility he didn’t make it, but as Joel had said before, he was persistent.

You came across a cozy cabin hidden in the forest. Realizing you had no other options, you had to ask for directions to where you were at the moment. A quiet and nice old lady, named Florence had resided and mentioned she was with her husband, Marlon. After making the soup she told three of you that her husband wouldn’t be happy they were in their home. You peeked past the curtains and out the window you saw he husband returning from hunting in the forest, hanging out two white rabbits by the door. Marlon walked inside his home to find her wife sitting upon the rocking chair, her gaze slowly moving towards Joel, him with his revolver out while you and Ellie are upstairs, quietly watching from the mezzanine.

Marlon reluctantly places his bow and arrows on the side entry table, removes his gloves, and unzips his outer jacket, while Joel grumbles out, “And the gun.” Marlon grunts, “Who the hell are you?” Joel walks a bit closer while demanding for him to cooperate, he says, “Just someone passing through. Take the gun out, two fingers only, put it out of reach.” The senior does as he’s told and places it on the other table and asks his wife who was quietly watching the interaction, “Why didn’t you shoot him?” She continues rocking back and forth, “The gun’s all the way over there. He didn’t hurt me by the way.”

“Yeah, I got eyes.” He nonchalantly replies and spots the empty soup bowl on the wooden living room table, “You made him soup?”  Florence gives his husband an obvious answer, "Yeah, I did. It’s cold out.” He simply shakes his head and sits down on his own chair. “I’m looking for my brother.” Joel states and the other man replies and removes his cap, “Well, I ain’t seen him.” Your cowboy shakes his head, “I haven’t told you what he looks like.”

“He look anything like you?” He asks and Joel tilts his head, “A bit.”

Ellie taps your arm and whispers to you, “It’s you and Joel from the future.” You frown and shake your head as you whisper back to her, “No.” The young girl rolls her eyes, “Whatever, you should see the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.” You blink at her, and you’re seemingly left speechless.

“Then I ain’t seen him,” He says, “He’s got a girl and his wife with him.” You hear Florence say and you nearly choke on air in surprise. Joel turns to look at her, pissed, and confused, and didn’t even bother to correct her. Ellie yells next to you, “Can I come down?” Joel raises his voice at her, “No! Ellie!” You couldn’t stop her as she excitedly runs downstairs, and you have no choice but to follow her.

The elderly couple laughs knowingly, Joel looks at you and Ellie, “What did I just say?” And you give him an apologetic look and Ellie replies, “Joel, come on. They’re like a thousand.” Marlon questions aloud,  “Who’s this little psycho and her mother?” Your mouth slightly parted open, about to inform him that you weren’t married to Joel and you weren’t her mother but Joel dismissed it, “Never mind them. I need you to tell us where we are.” He went to the middle of the living room, shoving the map in his direction, cheekily the man throws back, “If you got a map, why you lost?” Ellie’s lips turn downwards as she replies sarcastically, “Must’ve missed all the street signs in the enormous fucking forest.”

Marlon whistles out, “Holy.” And Florence chuckles, still enjoying the excitement that they haven’t had in years. Joel sighs and points out on the map, “We’re somewhere here. Exactly where? And your answer better be the same as your wife’s.” Marlon glances back at his wife, “Did you tell him the truth?” She nods, “Yeah.” He raises an eyebrow at her, “Are you telling me the truth?” She doesn’t hesitate, “Yeah.” He lets out a deep exhale as he leans over, pointing where you all were currently.

Joel places his revolver back in his holster, his eyebrows are furrowed and he sighs in frustration, “Well, you found a great place to hide, I guess.” He sits down and you sit right next to him and Ellie mimics you both. “Hide? Came here before you were born, sonny. Get the hell away from everybody.” Marlon replied as his wife gives her input, “I didn’t want to.” He grumpily waves her off and you lean next to Ellie, “Okay, there’s some truth in what you said.” She gives you a smirk in response.

“Listen, I didn’t mean to upset you about your brother but if you’ve come this far, then you know what’s out there. You seen Cody?” Marlon asked while Joel clenches his jaw, and Ellie replies, “Yeah, got close enough. It’s crawling with Infected.” He hums in agreement, “Yeah, Laramie and Wind River Reservation. Anywhere people used to be, you can’t go there no more.” Joel doesn’t give up and asks, “So you haven’t heard the name, ‘Tommy’?”

“Nope.” He simply says and Ellie questions, “What about the Fireflies?” Florence replies this time, “We get those in the summer.” The young girl frowns, “Not the bugs, the people.” Cluelessly the woman asks, “There are firefly people?” Her husband chuckles and Joel's frown grows deeper, creating harsh lines on his forehead, “You got any advice on the best way west?” The senior man doesn’t miss a beat, “Yeah. Go east. But you never go past the river here.” He then points to a specific location on the map, the blue stream that flows across the paper, “Ever.”

“What’s past the river?” Ellie asked, brave and a little naive, the kind wise Florence replies, “Death. We never see who’s out there but we see the bodies they leave behind. Some infected, some not.” She turns to look at Joel, “If your brother is west of the river, he’s gone.” You lift your eyes to the man next to you, Joel has his eyebrows pinched, his gaze distant, and the lines by the side of his mouth are evident. Your heart sinks at the chance that the elderly couple might be right. “You’re not gonna scare us,” Ellie softly says and the woman answers, “Scared him.” Her husband chuckles and Joel scrambles to get out of there, not saying a single word, he’s grabbing the map and packs up the rest of his things.

You and Ellie are quick to follow after him as she comments, “You don’t seriously believe them.” Joel’s footsteps are loud with every crunch of snow, “They’ve lived here a long time.” He turns and you do too to see Ellie grab a rabbit, “Put that back.” Ellie doesn’t listen and swings the dead rabbit behind her back, “They don’t know anything. Never heard of the fireflies.” Joel unexpectedly stops walking, and you can hear his breathing become labored as he places his hand on the wooden fence, you angle your head to the right in confusion and concern.

Joel only hears muffled echoes as the ringing in his ears overpowers his senses, “Joel? Are you okay?” You softly ask and there is no response, you hear Ellie begin to worry as well and lines begin to form across your forehead. “Shut up.” His voice was barely audible as he places his hand on his chest. You jerk back, but you try to decode what was happening. Ellie then asks him, “Holy shit. Are you dying?” He shakes his head in response, “I’m okay.” But the world seems to spin around him, his vision feels blurry and the weightlessness he feels is unsettling, unable to process the news he had just heard and the possible chance his brother is no longer alive. The further he goes West, the more his paternal empathy is starting to merge Ellie and Sarah into one.

Yours and Ellie’s voices merge into one large echo as you both try and make sure he’s alright. “I’m fine.” You both don’t buy it, “No, no, but are you? Because just a reminder that if you’re dead, we’re fucked.” Ellie said, referring to both of you, which seemingly brings Joel grounded remembering he is now a caretaker and guardian to the both of you, he turns to you as he assures, “I said I’m fine. It’s just the… cold air all of a sudden.”

You don’t buy it one bit but you don’t want to diagnose him immediately so you keep silent and listen to Ellie speak as she marches on forward while ducking under the wooden fence, “All right, uh… let’s go and find Tommy and, and the Fireflies.” Joel grunts and looks at you and you avert your eyes from him, quickly following Ellie.

“It’s gonna be easy,” Ellie said, stumbling a little but marching on, “All we have to do is cross the River of Death.”

All the bruises seem to surface like mud beneath the snow, your feet dug into the snow, a small thin path of footprints lay behind me, telling me where you have come from, but not where you are going. The winds were cold, almost freezing your skin with a simple touch. The icy winds blew against your jacket, the fabric keeping you warm, enough to feel comfortable but not to keep your cold thoughts away. You knew about Jackson, but you weren’t entirely sure where exactly the town was. You silently hope Tommy was fine and nothing had changed.

You gazed around the land, nothing but unending snow and ice, almost a hint that this land had gotten incredibly secluded through the years. After the trees reached the sky, children laughed and played, and the sounds of birds chirping in the woods woke me up from my long rest. It was almost as if the world itself was a part of you, but now that everything has turned frigid and awful, you hardly recognize it.

You see a river stream to your left, Ellie stops to look at it and rolls her eyes as she sarcastically says, “The River of Death. Scary.” Joel sighs, “Don’t start. It’s too close to dark. There’s some caves along the river. We’ll set up camp there, cross in the mornin’.” Ellie smiles, “Good. I’m starving. Should’ve stolen two rabbits.” You ruffle her hair a little bit and Joel replies, “We can get our own rabbits.” 

Ellie excitedly asks as she looks up at Joel, “You gonna teach me how? You taught Birdie.” You bite back a smile from the memory, his entire firm body was behind you, hands on either side of you, the ghost of his breath as he whispered instructions creating a trail of goosebumps. If you were being honest, you were very close to kissing him, but you were too afraid to mess it all up, to ask if he felt it too, and continued to wait for him to be ready. “Just keep movin’.” Joel dismisses her and the girl sighs in frustration and exhaustion. You look to Joel, your eyes gazing into his brown ones, hoping that if you stare long enough you could magically read his mind, then turned to trail after Ellie.

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – NIGHT

Your campfire appeared to echo the starlight and bounced off the walls of the small cave as if the flames so close and so distant had so very much to say to one another. It crackled and spat before hissing into life. Its lambent light stole away the velvet-black shadows dancing on the wall. As that dry, withered stump slowly releases years and years of energy soaked up from the sun, the air, and the ground around it, outcome bright lights, whispering hisses, sizzling pops, and a thick, intoxicating smell of musky smoke and pine needles.

You sit atop a large rock by the edge with Ellie, both of your heads are tilted up, black heavens are the perfect stage upon which the brightest of hues dance. You could watch the aurora lights for infinity and always see that it is new, a unique moment and beauty in all of existence. Rays of light fall from the sky, making drapes that stretch across the sky. And they are reminiscent of fluttering drapes or curtains in the wind. There is also a violet and a crimson trim at the bottom and top ends. Sometimes the hues are blended together and braided into one another. New beams of light streaming down from space cause the curtains to vanish and reappear.

Joel looks up to find you both whispering and giggling, you are pointing up at the sky and moving excitedly as you explained the glow from the stars and the infinite rays of light creating waves in the cold midnight sky. He watches Ellie lean her head on your shoulder and you gently rub her back, eventually giving her a light squeeze as a form of a side hug. He brings his fingers to his lips, and a shrill attention-grabbing pierces through the air, both of you swiftly turn your attention to Joel who says, “Come down from there. You’re both gonna break your necks.”

You and Ellie make your way down the high rock, and both of you walk to Joel who was sipping from his flask. Ellie curiously asks Joel, “Ahh… Can I have some?” He shakes his head at her, “No.” The fourteen-year-old whines, “What? Just to warm up. C’mon.” Joel looks at you, and you were surprised he wanted your input or permission. You simply nodded, letting him give the metal flask to Ellie which she receives with a bright smile, she raises it in thanks and takes a large sip. Her face twists into a sour expression, her eyes shut for a brief moment while her eyebrows meet in the middle, “Yep… still gross.” Ellie hands it back to Joel and he asks if you want some to which you respond with a shake of your head. She lets out a little cough and Joel quietly sips from his flask.

“So, I’ve been thinking. Let’s say we find the Fireflies, it all works, they draw my blood and put it through some of their fancy machines and make a cure.” Ellie says and you watch Joel shift his eyes a bit, trying to figure out where this is heading, “Okay?” Ellie raises her eyebrows as she asks aloud, “Then what? Like, what do we do?” Joel raises his defenses, trying to keep the invisible bricks intact steady, “Oh, it’s ‘we’?” Unintentionally you sigh loudly in exasperation, looking at Joel with your eyelids heavy, you nervously lick the bottom of your lip and cling to your patience as it slowly slips through your fingers like sand. Ellie also sighs and reforms her question, “Okay, fine. Whatever. You. Her. You both can do anything you want. Where are you going? What are you doing?”

Joel clears his throat, “It’s never been an option. Maybe… an old farmhouse, some land… a ranch.” Ellie encourages him to continue, “Cool. What kind?” He replies while he smugly looks at Ellie “Sheep. I would raise sheep. They’re quiet… do what they’re told.” Ellie rolls her eyes and nods, “Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, just you and a buncha sheep. Romantic.” You smile at the thought of him living a domesticated life, no more danger or violence, just simple and safe. Joel hesitates a little before asking Ellie, “And what about you? Where are you gonna go?”

She raises her head high, looking up at the full midnight moon glimmering bright along with the twinkling stars, “It’s probably cause I grew up in the QZ. Behind you, there’s ocean, and ahead of you, there’s a wall. Nowhere else to look but up. I read everything I could in the school library. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Jim Lovell. But you know who my favorite is?” You create creases beneath your eyes as you smile widely, having a pretty good guess as to who. You and Joel say the same thing at the same time, “Sally Ride.” Ellie grins, “Sally fuckin’ Ride! Best astronaut name ever. How about you Birdie?” You blink twice, “What?” She raises an eyebrow, “What are you gonna do when after I save the world? Are you gonna try to go back to your world or whatever?”

You've trusted and refused every compass you've followed, and the same is true of an ever-changing concept of right. You wrap your arms around your middle, and your shoulders rise and fall as you breathe, “Um… I actually haven’t thought about that. I don’t know.” She looks at you with confusion and questions “Don’t you want to go back home?” Her inquiry causes you to shrink into yourself a little more, not wanting to answer, craving to distance yourself from Joel and Ellie’s gaze. You swallow nervously and look down at your worn-out boots, “I… Maybe. It might take a long time before I could figure out something. But to be honest Ellie, I never felt… at home there. So many things that I had before, but they don't matter to me now.”

Then it becomes quiet for a bit, you watch Ellie blink a couple of times, the crackling bright glow of the orange fire illuminating on side of her face, as she begins to question the future before her, she couldn’t help but wonder, “It’ll work, right? The vaccine?” Joel looks down unsure, “It’s a little late to start wonderin’.”

“I tried, with Sam,” Ellie says as she doesn’t bring her eyes to either of you, your eyes soften at her admittance, none of you have talked about what had happened, not wanting to dwell on the past too much, but to hear her finally bring it up giving you a sense of pride, for her to have the courage to speak about something so traumatic. Joel continued the conversation by asking her what she meant, “Tried what?” She still couldn’t bring herself to look at either of you, choosing to gaze into the campfire, “I knew he was infected. I rubbed some of my blood into his bite. I know, I know, it was stupid. But I… I wanted to save him.” Joel softly says, the wind carrying his words into the night, “Well, I reckon it’s a lot more complicated than that. Marlene, she’s a lotta things, but… she’s no fool. If she says they can do it, they can do it.” Ellie doesn’t say anything as she nods and he takes a large gulp from his flask, throwing his head back as he does.

The fire crackles loudly, but Ellie’s voice could be heard as she asked, “You wanna take first watch or second?” Joel grunts out, “I’ll do both. Get some sleep.” You opened your mouth to dispute him, saying that you could do the first watch but he doesn’t let you get a single syllable in as he narrows his eyes at you, “No.” You huff in annoyance and say nothing. You and Ellie get up to go deeper into the cave as Joel says to the both of you while grabbing his rifle, “Dream of… going home to sheep ranches on the moon.” Ellie gives him another nod, “I will.” 

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – EARLY MORNING

The snow forest feels to the rest of the world like a gift waiting to be opened. Upon the ascent of the daylight, the wilderness is so bitter cold. It exudes a clean aura that invites the soul to pause for a minute and allow the sight to permeate the soul. You live in the moment, the past is always gone, and each day is something new, a stepping stone into a future you dream of even in the cold. The last of the morning stars were blinking out tragically above you. They glowed like bling-silver grains of sand in the early sky. It was a sight to see as their bejeweled splendor faded into nothingness. A ghostly, orb-white winter moon lingered there, eerily similar to a faint strobe light. A halo of brilliant golden encircled its waning brilliance. The sky around it was a vast sheet of grate-grey, with a plum-purple hue near the horizon.

You woke up a bit earlier than usual, and you found Joel passed out, laying on his side and using his jacket as a pillow. You could hear the birds squawking from above the trees, and see the campfire had dimmed. Quietly, you pushed yourself up and grabbed the rifle he had left beside him. You did the usual checks to ensure the safety of everyone, and to see if there were any tracks or unwanted animals lurking around. So far, luckily, you three were safe for the time being.

You made your way back to the cave, finding Ellie alert and awake. She looks at Joel and then back at you, and you raise your finger to your lips, indicating that she should let Joel rest and be quiet. The young girl nods in understanding, silently walking towards you, the both of you taking watch. You let Ellie practice what Joel had taught her and let her hold the rifle in the meantime. And she did everything perfectly.

As time passed and the sun began to rise from the east, you hear Joel mumble in his sleep. You tuned your ears to his whimpers and mumbling, catching the words, “Supposed to be me… Supposed to…” You frown in understanding and worry, you had your fair share of nightmares fueled by guilt. Joel startles awake, gasping for air as he pushes himself up frantically searching for his rifle, only to find you and Ellie standing guard. Ellie couldn’t help herself as she quips, “Still mumbling in your sleep. Birdie and I woke up early. You were passed out, so we both took second watch.”

Joel’s fury sprang to life as he stood up, “You gotta wake me up if that happens. Both of you can’t do things like this.” You felt a flash of irritation as you say to him, “But we can… ‘cause we just did.” He’s quiet for a moment, caught off guard by your reaction, then he speaks, “I’m responsible for both of you, okay?” Ellie is quick to throw back, “Then don’t fall asleep.” She began to recount detail and instruction Joel had given her before when he taught her while you proudly smirk at him, “What can I say, man? I’m a natural.” Joel grouchily nods, “Uh-huh.” And gestures to her to give him back the rifle, he nods at her in approval this time, “You wake me up next time.” Ellie rolls her eyes and smiles sarcastically, “Yes, sir. But you should know that Birdie woke up before me.”

Your eyes widen at her, “Ellie, don’t throw me under the bus!” She chuckles at you as Joel gives you a pointed look and you raise your eyebrows at him, daring him to try and argue, instead he just shakes his head, “Let’s get goin’.”

The cold air stung your cheeks and you pulled your scarf up closer to your face. As you looked around you took notice of the white blanket of snow covering the trees, ground, and mountains. The smell of damp pine trees made the air feel fresh and clean. The world around you was frozen in a glaring white quiet. Nothing made a sound, nothing moved, nothing sang. Winter's slavering teeth have vanished. Its piercing winds had stripped the trees of their final leaves, leaving them naked and brooding in a harsh world. They were groaning beneath the weight of the snow, encased in their medical coats. A great limb would occasionally groan, shatter, and collapse. It sounded like an explosion went off in the jungle. Apart from that, the woodland was engulfed in an eerie stillness. There was no morning chorus, sound symphony, or avian orchestra. The entire globe was encased in a dome of quiet. Winter's lethal grasp has strangled and suffocated all life on the planet. Snowflakes fluttered down on the three of you, sylph-like in their airy quiet. They glinted like crushed diamond dust as they landed. A shimmering winter scape of white and silver.

The sudden gunshot disrupted the peace of the forest, and the startled geese began to honk and fly off into the distance, Joel waits for a bit to ensure it was safe to cross the bridge, Ellie observes, waiting for something to happen, but nothing does, “The River of Death. Still no people.” Joel grumbles out, “Fine.” Then proceeds to stand up, and walk to the entrance of the bridge as you and Ellie closely follow him from behind.

As you continue to make your way across the bridge, Ellie tries to whistle like Joel, however, no high pitch sound comes out, just puffs of air. Joel turns around in confusion, and Ellie’s reply is muffled by her fingers, “I’m learning how to whistle.” And Joel looks at her incredulously, “You don’t know how to whistle?” She retorts, “Does it sound like I know how to whistle?” He says the obvious, “No.” You laugh, letting yourself enjoy the little moments of peace with the two. “Seriously, though, how the fuck do you do that?” Ellie asks walking a little bit ahead and you walking side-by-side with Joel, he harrumphs, “Talent.” And you lightly smack his arm at his response, and you swore you saw him give you a small smile, Ellie mutters, “Whatever. You should teach me how to hunt.”

“Huh.” Joel states, and Ellie mocks him, “‘Huh’. Like. ‘She’s a girl. She can’t handle it.’” Joel speaks as he trudges through the snow, “You can handle the shootin’. Not so sure about the dressin’.” Ellie sighs, “What’s the dressin’?” You and Joel walk a little bit past her and he replies, “The part where you take the guts out.” And your nose scrunches up at the thought while Ellie says, “Oh, yeah. Why do they call it dressing? It’s like you should call it undressing ‘cause it is. It’s like… undressing from the inside.” She paused for a bit to catch her breath before saying, “Still interested, though.”

The sound of water rushing fills your ears as you waddled through the snow, stumbling upon a large structure. Dams were mechanical temples that harnessed the victorious powers of water, power, and terrestrial fertility for human advantage. “Dam.” Ellie said, and you rolled your eyes in amusement while Joel tells her, “You’re no Will Livingston.” She quickly throws back at him, “Yeah, yeah, but who is? So that made electricity?” Referencing the Dam in front of them, Joel mutters, “Yeah. Don’t ask me. I don’t have a clue.” Ellie laughs, “You know, you could’ve just made something up. I would’ve believed you.” Joel answers, “Ask Birdie, she’s practically a walking encyclopedia.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or amazed at the fact you know what an encyclopedia is.” You quip at him with a smirk and his lip quirks up in a small smirk at you, and his eyes twinkle with mischief and desire as his pupils slightly darken, “Smartass.” You winked at him, “You like it.”

“Damn right.” He said with his eyes unwavering from yours, and you felt every atom in your body spark to life. Joel’s heavy breathing stirred the tiny hairs on your neck, sending a shiver into every cell of your body. Ellie disrupted you both as she makes a disgusted groan, “If the two of you are done flirting can we please keep moving?” The heat of embarrassment rushed into your face, leaving you speechless as you decide to break away from his stare and keep marching forward.

“Look at that river. It’s crazy blue.” Ellie said then was immediately quiet after, somewhere between then and now irony slipped its way into her vocabulary, laughter became an anecdote for guilt, sacrifice grew to be a band name for shame and unnecessary death became a nightmare that rode her piggyback. At this point, the thought suddenly struck her, “Hey, Joel, Birdie… what if this is the River of Death?”

Joel grabs the map from his jacket pocket and unfolds it, checking to see if Ellie was right. The cold wind harshly bit into your skin as you three stared at the crystal blue river. At first, you couldn’t see them, but you could hear them—the snapping of twigs, the crunch of snow, and the clopping sound of horse hoofs. There were more than one, more than three, and they were closing in. Joel tried to grab you and Ellie to run, but they were too quick, and organized, and had you surrounded in seconds with their guns and rifles pointed at you. “Get behind me,” Joel said, slightly pushing both of you behind his tall frame. You all raised your hands up, and showed no sign of aggression, Joel shouts, “We ain’t lookin’ for any trouble. We’re just passin’ through.”

“Drop the gun,” the harsh voice ordered in front of you, Joel does as he’s told and so do you. “Both of you… take five steps back.” the man says, and Joel tries to reason with him, “How ‘bout we just talk this through?” And the unknown man unrelentingly replies, “How ‘bout you shut the fuck up?” Joel's shoulders tense, “Okay, easy.” He turns to both of you, Ellie has her eyes wide open and mouth slightly parted, her hands slightly quivering and you trying to steady your breathing, “You’ll both be okay.”

You follow the orders given to you and take five steps back and you hear the man ask, “You been near Infected?” And Joel replies, “There’s no Infected out here.” He doesn’t buy it one bit and retorts, “The hell there ain’t.” He whistles and you hear a short, abrupt vocalization, relatively loud and high-pitched, changes in frequency, the bark of an excited dog, “Last chance for a bullet. If you’ve been infected, he will smell it, and he will rip you up.”

The black large dog continues to bark and its handler removes his leash, he prances over to Joel, sniffing him up and down, jumps up to place his paws on his stomach, looks at him then whines, not finding any indication of the virus. The dog walks back over to his handler for a treat while Joel’s Texan accent becomes heavy, “Like I said… we’ll just move on.” The man still has his rifle pointed at you as he sits atop his horse, he nods over in your and Ellie’s direction, “Now both of them.”

Your heart drops, and you hear Ellie’s breathing become shaky. The flip in your stomach takes over all of your senses, you are frozen and unmoving as you watch the dog crouch lowly and growl at you and Ellie. Joel turns back to glance at you both and you’re worriedly looking at him. He turns around, not bringing himself to watch, the world becomes quiet, the silent ringing returns, and his lungs are clawing for air. It brings him back to that moment when the world took her away, his Sarah, the powerlessness and helplessness feeling that had followed him over the past twenty years. The weight of the world was placed on his shoulders that faithful day.

The sound of a high-pitched bark brings him back to the present, he hears you and Ellie giggle and turns to find you and her completely fine, happily rubbing and petting the dog as the creature licks and wags its tail. The man whistles and the dog is called away, you and Ellie stand up from the snow and hear the leader say, “You just bought yourself ten more seconds. What are you doin’ out here?” Joel quickly replies, “I’m just lookin’ for my brother. That’s all, nothin’ more.” A beautiful woman, whose skin was as rich and deep as any stately home mahogany, exclaims, “Ho!” And walks her horse forward, “What’s your name?” He answers breathlessly, “Joel.” And his name became the key, the password, and the answer, for them to escort you into their town.

You three were given and allowed to ride your own horses, the cold wind rushing past me. The sun’s rays of light are covered by the darkness of the clouds.  Hooves, galloping along the plush white snow, the loud clopping and crunch fill your ears as you hold onto the reins. In the distance, you see a large wooden wall with a giant gate, men and women stationed on top, ready to shoot any intruders. One of the men raises a red bandana, a signal to one of the guards on watch.

The large gate opens for all of you, the horses begin to trot at a normal pace as you take in the sight of Jackson. Underneath you are fluffy, cold snow. The sounds of slush fill your ears. You watch as the misty fog escapes your mouth anytime you take a breath. Every time you inhale a frigid prickle enters your lungs and every time you exhale the heat from your breath warms your lips. Around you are naked trees covered in powder-white snow, glistening in the daylight. The town is neatly arranged, and it felt comfortable and safe. You spot the Tipsy Bison on the right, a location you recognized, then bring your eyes to observe the people around you. A thriving and collaborative community, stable enough to provide and care for the elderly and children.

You continue on forward, spotting Tommy on top of the scaffolding, helping with construction work. You angle your head to look at Joel as he shouts at the top of his lungs, “Tommy!” His brother stops what he’s doing to look at Joel, then he proceeds to run down the steps leading up to the scaffolding, Joel urgently dismounts from his horse, and the people around town watch as the two brothers reunite, a large impactful hug from the both of them, secure and firm. Their shoulders move up and down as the two laugh loudly, finally, all of the pieces align and the balance is clearly defined, he sighs and settles down for the first time.

Tommy smiles as he asks his older brother, “What the fuck are you doin’ here?” Joel looks at you and Ellie for a second before back to Tommy, replying, “I came here to save you.” Joel begins to laugh again, his chuckle a melody you’ve rarely heard before, a sound you keep in your back pocket just in case. 

You bring your gaze to Ellie, whose expression is mixed and jealous, sensing that she’s now a bit less important in Joel’s life. You look back at the two brothers, turning down the volume of your heart, the massive table of countless dominos, all lined up and weaving in and out of each other, every relationship and decision in every piece of domino, subconsciously shrinking the row of dominos the best you can. Eliminating your opinions or wants and desires, convincing yourself that this will be simple by just focusing on the needs of everyone else but yourself. The only form of control you’ve had looks like empathy to understand all sides.

MESS HALL, JACKSON COUNTY, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The mess hall was large, warm, and inviting. The indistinct chatter fills the giant wooden cabin, lightbulbs twinkling from above, and dining tables lined up neatly. Ellie was sat in between you and Joel, she is scarfing down her food, eagerly eating everything that was on her plate and so was Joel. You were meekly eating, trying to not draw attention to yourself, as you quietly chewed on your potatoes. “There’s more if you need it.” And you soon come to realize that this must be Maria, the way Tommy’s body language is drawn and pulled close to her, you smile when you hear Joel reply politely, “Thank you, ma’am.” And you also offer your thanks to her and she nods in your direction in acknowledgment. Joel cuts into his food as he says, “It’s been a while since we’ve had a proper meal.” Ellie pipes in, “Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper meal. This is fuckin’ amazing.” You wince in second-hand embarrassment and so does Joel, he turns to Maria, “Sorry. Ellie… let’s mind our manners.” Tommy smirks knowingly. At one moment, another girl furtively looks at Ellie, until Ellie loudly says “What?!” and scares her off. Joel’s lips turn down and his eyebrows furrow in confusion, “What’s wrong with you?” Ellie doesn’t relent, “What about her manners?” 

“She was just curious. Kids around here don’t usually look or talk like you.” Maria points out and Ellie nods, “Right… well, maybe I’ll teach them. And I want my gun back.” Maria shakes her head, “They also aren’t armed.” The young brave girl glares at her in response, Tommy decides to step in, “You know what? Uh… I think maybe ya’ll got a little off on the wrong foot.” Ellie raises her tone and points out, “She was gonna have our guys kill us.” Joel gives her a pointed look, an indication for her to stop being disrespectful but Tommy calmly responds, “Well, we gotta be real careful about who we let in this place. But it’s all bark. We’re just trying to scare off those who might wanna try us is all.” Ellie nonchalantly says, “Well you got a couple of ninety-year-olds who shitting themselves out there.” You and Joel chastise her quickly, “Ellie.” But she doesn’t care, “They say that you leave dead bodies around?” Maria doesn’t deny the ugly truth, “Those are the people who tried us.” Tommy adds, “A bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad.” Maria narrows her eyes at Joel as she comments, “Not always, at least.” You feel your anger flare up from your chest as you grip your knife tighter, glaring at Maria for suggesting such a thing.

Joel swallows down his food and his shame, “Ma’am… we’re grateful for your hospitality and all. But it’d be nice to have a moment here, maybe just for family.”  You place an elbow on the table, using your hand to hide your face in embarrassment as you squirm in your chair, you hear Tommy clear his throat, “Well um…” You peek past your hand and watch him grab Maria’s hand, spotting the wedding band on his left ring finger, “Maria is family, actually.” Ellie blinks in surprise as she says, “Oh, shit! Congrats.” You bring your eyes to Joel’s unmoving figure, frozen in shock from the sudden news as his breathing becomes unsteady, Ellie softly whispers to him, “Joel, say congrats.” The all-too-familiar cold tone is unmistakable as he grits his teeth to say, “Congrats.” There’s an awkward silence between the two parties, and you take a large gulp of your water and Tommy offers, “How ‘bout a tour.” You nod as you’re the first one to get up from your chair, not liking the possibility of conflict between the two brothers, “Yes, please.”

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The town had a large plaza, and a giant vibrant Christmas tree in the center, Maria spoke as she walked, and the rest of you followed, “We settled here about seven years ago. Just a handful of us back then.” She points out a section of the town, “That section was already a gated community, so we built the rest of the wall out from there. Stopped most of the raiding parties, but we still find pockets of them.” Joel warily looks around, “And you said Infected?” Tommy nods, “Yeah, but usually in smaller colonies, wandered off from the cities. All this open country out there… it’s a turkey shoot. I still got my 700, but I found a variable power scope. Sub MOA. Can headshot those fuckers from half a mile out.”

“Can you teach me how?” Ellie asks and Joel is quick to respond for him, “No, he can’t. How do you keep this place quiet?” Maria replies, “Carefully. Being in the middle of nowhere helps. Not advertising what we have, staying off the radio.” Joel stares at his brother and Tommy shrinks away from his pointed look, you listen to Maria as she explains the purpose of each building, “House of worship, multifaith. School. Laundry. Old bank works as a jail, not that we’ve needed it.” Joel looks to one of the electric poles, “And you draw power from the dam?” Maria confirms his suspicion, nodding, “Got that workin’ a couple years ago. After that, sewage, plumbing, water heaters… lights.” Ellie shakes her head, seemingly impressed, “This place actually fuckin’ works.”

The group makes their way to the farm, and a herd of sheep passes by, and Ellie points it out as she smiles at him, “Hey, Joel, check it. Baa.” Ellie playfully swings her arms back and forth as she asks Maria, “Are you, like, in charge?” She looks at Tommy for a bit before replying, “No one person’s in charge. I’m on the council. Democratically elected, serving three hundred people, including children. Everyone pitches in. We rotate patrols, food prep, repairs, hunting, harvesting.” Tommy picks off where she left off, “Everything you see in our town… greenhouses, livestock, all shared. Collective ownership,” to which Joel replies, "So, uh, communism." Tommy's knee-jerk reaction is, "Nah. Nah, it ain't like that." His discomfort with the term pulls from over a century of distortion of the fundamental principles of communism. “It is that, literally. This is a commune. We're communists," Maria states modestly, to which Tommy’s discomfort at the thought causes him to stagger a bit, to which you offer, “I can try and explain it later.” Tommy nods in thanks and you give him a reassuring smile.

“No way!” Ellie exclaims as she makes her way to the stables, Maria trails behind her and you follow the two ladies, “That’s our newest one. Couple months old. You wanna pet her?” Ellie’s smile is as bright as the sun and her teeth as white as the snow beneath you, wide and happy, “Yeah, what’s her name?” Ellie asks to which Maria replies, “Shimmer.” Your smile falters a bit, recognizing the name from the second game, but you shake it off, not wanting to keep looking into the future. “Shimmer you’re so beautiful,” Ellie says as she pets the pony gently, completely enamored by her beauty and gentle grace. Maria turns to Tommy and discusses the possible sleeping arrangement, “Well, I’m sure they’d like a shower, some new clothes. We can put them in the empty house across the street from us.” Her husband nods in agreement, “Yeah. It’s a decent place. Pretty much untouched since the ‘03, but it’s got the heat goin’ in it. Could do worse.” Ellie carelessly remarks, “Oh, trust me, we have been.”

Joel has his eyes narrowed and annoyed, “We’ve been doin’ fine.” You get the slight feeling he’s being defensive, and Maria looks at you and Ellie, and tells her husband, “Well I’ll take her and Ellie over there if you two wanna catch up.” Tommy then looks to his older brother for approval and Joel nods, “Yeah. Okay.” You and Ellie whip your head to face Joel, slightly unnerved and fearful of the unknown, and potentially Joel pushing you both away. “Joel.” Ellie says and he brushes her off as he walks away, “You’ll be fine.” Maria asks the both of you, “Shall we?” And having no choice but to follow her you both nod, “Uh, yeah.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The warm hot shower soothes your skin as you wash off the grime and dirt of the last few months. At some point, you had decided to sit down in the bathtub of the shower, letting the water hit your skin freely, your eyes distant and gaze unsteady as you watch the steam of the shower move to the light. You hug your knees close to your chest, rest your chin on your knees, and finally let yourself go. 

The haze takes over your vision, a sculpture of water and unsettled dust, and your exhausted mind only wants to be carried home. So you fight with the concept of grace while attempting to hold everything in place. You were so full of life that you could barely hold it in. You were amateurs at war, strangers to suffering. Your questions ricochet like broken satellites. How did your bodies, born to heal, become so prone to die? Your nights have grown so long and now you beg for sound advice, time has been ruthless and unkind, every turn in the corner of the maze only to be faced with a dead end, the trapdoors you couldn’t see, and the lives that were lost to your journey to Jackson. You felt so vulnerable and fragile, the fact that the foundation of society was shaken to its core due to the pandemic, governments, families, and lives as you know them, will never be the same again. As life replayed, you hear the voice in the back of your mind proclaim, to let the brokenness be felt until you reach the other side.

The sting in your eyes as the tears escape from your eyes, allows for the cold embrace of the depression you’ve kept hidden and at bay for so long. Sometimes you pretend you are evergreen and keep your cards close to your chest. But this time you allow yourself the reprieve, as you quietly sob into your hands and gasp for air now and then, letting every little fracture of you shatter out loud. Wondering if your messes mattered and if all the chaos counted as you felt empty-handed. You had set sail along the universe's ocean of the unknown with cheap wood and tried to patch up every leak that you could until the blame grew too heavy.

You reflected on the world that you were unintentionally placed in, presenting the world through a different lens, a world that turned hostile and dangerous. But a story that explored how nevertheless you can still find love and meaning, the longing for human connections, and how willing you are to sacrifice everything to safeguard the people you love. 

You hadn’t planned on it, the greater weight of the truth settling inside of you. Fundamental resilience and a built-in resistance, and against your judgment, prevent you from completely surrendering yourself from truly giving up on being human. You open your eyes and slowly rise to your feet, placing your palm on the wall, you blink and try to look past the undefined and fragile promise at the light at the end of the tunnel. You nod, shakily you breathe, and whisper to no one in particular, “I guess that’s how it goes.”

After the mental breakdown in the shower, you stepped out of the bathroom fresh and felt a little bit lighter. You lift your chin a little higher and open your eyes a little wider despite the puffiness in your eyes. You are wrapped in a towel, and as you make your way to the foot of the bed, you find fresh clean clothes to wear and a menstrual cup. You smile at the thoughtful gift and find a note, that reads ‘I’m just across the street. Come by when you’re done.’

You get dressed and make your way down the hall to Ellie’s room, you knock on her door and call for her, “Ellie? You there?” When no reply came, you slowly opened the door to find her gone and after investigating a little bit, you see a similar note from Maria. You figured she had already gone over. You leave her room and walk across the street to Maria’s house, knocking on the door and Ellie opening the door for you. You smile at her as you walk inside, appreciating the warmth already provided by the fireplace.

You take a good look at the living room, yellow curtains by the window, a messy coffee table with an unsolved crossword, and a large cozy couch facing the fireplace as it crackles and roars. Your eyes catch the small blackboard sitting on top of the fireplace with two candles on each side. Ellie walks over to it and you follow closely behind her as she stares up at the two names. Kevin and Sarah, with the dates, that they were born and taken away too soon from this world.

You let out an uneven exhale and feel your frown deepen, as the flashbacks of Joel’s life come back to you in a blur. The scream for mercy, watching him tear apart with each cry and wail from his hoarse voice. The day the world ended was the same day his world ended. Something broken that cannot be fixed. You both turn your heads to the sound of the back door opening, Maria enters bringing the cold wind with her until she closes the door behind her, “Oh, good. Just traded for these two. Go ahead, try it on.” She hands Ellie a deep purple long coat while yours is A sophisticated medium gray with the barest hint of violet. The young girl comments as she wears her purple puffer coat, “It’s, uh, super fuckin’ purple.” You bend down a little to help Ellie with her coat, fixing the collar and the lining, Maria nods, “Eggplant. It fits?” Ellie replies, “Yeah.” Maria continues to fuss over her as you put on your coat, “Shoes aren’t too big?” She answers, “Uh, no. Where’s our other stuff?” Maria lifts her shoulders, “Rag pile. Did you both get the thing I left you?” You merely nod while Ellie bluntly replies, “Yeah. Weirdest gift ever.” Maria nods in agreement but says, “But useful. Who’s been cutting your hair?”

“Uh, world-class salons,” Ellie says plainly and it earns a laugh from you and Maria, “Let me get my scissors.” Ellie’s mouth opens to protest but Maria doesn’t let her argue, “Trim. That’s all. Just the ends, I promise. And her too, she’ll go first so you can see that you have nothing to worry about.” Referring to you as she walks to the kitchen. You ruffle Ellie’s hair and whisper to her, “Just let her,” to which she sighs and takes a seat on one of the dining table chairs.

The trim was much needed. Maria had cut your hair in the style you wanted with such precision and skill. You happily thanked her with a polite smile, sat down on one of the other chairs, and let Ellie go next, of course, Ellie being the curious kid she is, begins to interrogate Maria, “So, this was, like, your job back then or something?” The sharp snips of scissors fill the silence for a bit before she answers, “No, I was an Assitant District Attorney out of Omaha, Nebraska. I put the bad guys in jail. I always liked doing hair though. Maybe it was a mom thing.”

“Damn, that’s pretty impressive.” You said and she gives you her thanks and asks, “What did you do for work?” Your smile falters, “Um, I used to be a researcher, a Quantum physicist.” The quiet was nice for a moment before she comments, “You both were looking at the little memorial Tommy made?” Ellie answers for the both of you, “Uh, yeah.” She stumbles on her words, “I’m- I’m sorry about your kids.” Your nails dig into your palm and listen to Maria reply, “It’s okay. And kid. Just Kevin. Sarah was Joel’s daughter.”The heavy silence that follows tells Maria that Ellie didn’t know that before, and you find it harder to breathe, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I guess that explains him a little,” Ellie says and she brings her eyes to you, “Did you know?” You squirm, the feeling of deja vu from when you first heard those words from Joel, the accusatory glance, and the betrayal in her eyes. “Yes,” You said and she scoffs at you, “Why? Why didn’t you say anything?” You pull back and raise your eyebrows at her, “You and I both know that was never my story to tell or share. No amount of knowledge will ever excuse the fact that I can never talk about what happened without Joel’s explicit consent.” Ellie resigns from her lashing out and nods at you with understanding, and you simply sighed. Maria chimes in, “Look, I’m not gonna ask you what you both are doing with him.” 

“Good.” You and Ellie say at the same time, quickly protective of Joel but Maria continues with her statement, “But there are clearly things you both don’t know about Joel.” You glare at Maria while the teen remains typically testy, “Oh, like how he used to kill people? We know about that.” Ellie rebukes with vigor and impresses Maria with it somewhat, “So then you understand my concern.” Ellie’s anger flares, “He doesn’t do that anymore.” And Maria is quick to question, “He stopped killing people?” 

“Innocent ones. And Tommy did it, too. Are you worried about him?” she asks to which Maria’s lips form a thin line, “Tommy was following Joel. The way you both are.” Seemingly sees Joel as a bad influence, someone who pulls people into his orbit and leaves harm in his wake. “Well, maybe, we’re smarter than Tommy. No offense.” Ellie states and you sense distrust in Maria, “You are definitely smart. Both of you. You would have made a hell of a lawyer, Ellie.” The woman says as she puts away her scissors and stands in front of you and Ellie, “There’s a whole lot you’re not telling me.” None of you answer, to which Maria nods, “Good. Therein lies the point. Be careful who you put your faith in,” she warns you and Ellie. “The only people who can betray us… are the ones we trust.” Ellie clearly resents the advice and Maria’s distrust of Joel, perhaps because she senses there’s a good reason for it and none of you want to admit it.

“You understand?” Maria asks and you both hum in acknowledgment. “Now come on.” She says as she walks to remove the towel around Ellie’s shoulders, “Grab your super fuckin’ eggplant coat.” You allow yourself to laugh at the callback and get up from your own seat, shuffling to put on your gray coat to which you hear Ellie ask, “Where are we going?” Maria smiles, “The movies.” Ellie sighs and ties her hair back, while you say, “I’m actually gonna go for a walk. Get familiar with the surroundings. You okay to go by yourself, Ellie?” The brave teen nods, “Mhm. I’ll see you back at the house.”

“Tell me what you think of the movies later, okay?” You say and she smiles and agrees, “Okay.” You tuck your hands in the pockets of your coat, yelling a thank you and goodbye to Maria as you headed outside to the cold winter of Jackson.

MAIN STREET

JACKSON, WYOMING – SUNSET

You tried your best to help around as much as you could with the stables and the children, doing some work to pass the time. The clouds collected again around sunset, bringing an earlier night, and the snow began to fall straight and slowly from a sky devoid of wind, in a gentle universal dispersion more perplexing than the morning's blasts. It appeared to be a part of the growing darkness, the cold night itself falling on you layer by layer.

The amber glow of the string lights, the burn barrels doing their best to keep parts of the area warm, the steam following the wind but the bright glow of the fire emitting from inside shine through. Most people at this hour have already decided to go to the dining hall to watch the rest of the movie, but you continued to wander around the empty main street of Jackson.

The world is an outline of shapes you used to know, hidden in plain sight. The drapes suddenly pulled back slowly, as though pulling a ribbon. You've been distracted, but you're no longer trapped in the static. Despite the fact that your hands are prone to trial and error, you cross your fingers for anything to hold. Here in the shadows of letting go, you can't help but wish for a brighter future. You spot Ellie from a distance, her figure crouched down as she eavesdrops through the door of a nearby workshop. You tilt your head and quietly walk towards her, to which she still turns her head to you, lifting her finger on her lips indicating to be quiet. You decide to follow her request and crouch next to her, hearing Tommy and Joel quietly conversing with each other.

Joel started, “It was Marlene. She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin’ wish. What the hell was I supposed to do? We made it as far as K.C., and then… You know she saved my life there… from another kid. Birdie got hurt too… Five years ago, I would’ve destroyed him. But she had to shoot him to save me. Fourteen years old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’.” You shudder at the reminder and the two of you listened as Joel broke, bit by bit, his voice started to quiver, “And Birdie had to protect Ellie 'cause I asked her to… and she didn’t even have the experience or skill that I had… I saw… I saw a man kill his own brother… to save her, while I just watched. And today I thought that dog was gonna tear both of ‘em apart because it smelled somethin’ on them.”

“And all I did was stand there. I couldn’t… move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just… I was so afraid.” Joel’s breathing was ragged as he spoke, his mind racing with worst-case scenarios, “You think I can handle things, but… I’m not who I was. I’m weak.” He believes he bears little resemblance to the man he once was or could become. No action hero, he admits to being far less capable of recognizing and reacting to threats than he used to be, and to sometimes being paralyzed by fear. You slowly start to feel your eyes sting again as you hear the tremble in his voice, the brokenness you’re all too familiar with, “Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere, and… my heart… feels like it’s stopped. And I have dreams. Every night.”

“What kinda dreams?” Tommy asks, and you listen to the triggered tripwire every time he breathes, the tremble in his voice gives you that he was beginning to cry, “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I just know that when I wake up… I’ve lost somethin’.” You allow your own tears to fall, covering your mouth to cover your whimpers as you listen to him admit, “I’m failin’ in my sleep. That’s all I do. It’s all I’ve ever done is fail them again and again.” Tommy states, “You want me to take them.” And Joel continues to cry as he says, “I’m just gonna get them killed. I know it. I have to leave them.” Tommy tries to call his name to calm him, “Joel.”

“I mean, it’s why you took off on me, right? To make up for the things we did?” Joel asks with a clear glaze in his eyes, he begs his younger brother, “Well, here’s your chance to bring your kid into a better world. You’re younger than me. You’re still strong. You said it yourself, you’ll come back. You have to take her. You have to give Birdie… that sweet, smark, and kind girl,  a chance to live a life here. A normal life here. Please.”

You take Tommy’s silence as agreement and the tears fall from your cheeks as you try to muffle your cries. Joel breathes, “And you can’t tell anyone, not even Maria. Tommy, you’re the only one I trust. If anyone else sees those bites on her, on them both, what’s under their skin… they’ll shoot them. It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you. I swear.”

“I’ll take her out at dawn.” You hear Tommy say and Joel sigh of relief. You feel Ellie tug your coat sleeve, indicating you need to leave before they realized you had heard the entire conversation. 

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – NIGHT

None of you spoke as the two of you walk into the night, heading back to the temporary house that they had provided. You opened the door for Ellie and she ran straight up to her room, while you walked up the steps to the master bedroom. You quietly shut your door sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed, you sniffed and try to will yourself to stop crying. You stared blankly at the floor as you swung your feet, patiently waiting and deciding what to do next.

The options you had were limited to figuring out how to get back to your previous observable universe or facing the truth about how you felt for Joel and your fondness for Ellie as if she were your own daughter. This meant admitting that you also needed to discuss what you wanted with Joel. To wake up and wage war with this gravity that has been holding you back for almost all of your life, the epiphany of finding so much worth fighting for, and either way all the lines of dominos will fall and cascade.

You were too in your head to hear the shouting from across the hall, the argument between Joel and Ellie, a crucial turning point in the central relationship. You hear the bits and pieces of their yelling and arguing, “You have no idea what loss is,” is a pretty awful thing for him to say. And in both, she tells him that everyone she’s ever cared about has either died or left her, “Everyone—fucking except for you. So don’t tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is that I would just be more scared.” Joel’s painful response, “You’re right, you’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.” You flinch at that, “Now, come dawn… we’re goin’ our separate ways.” Then you hear the loud slamming of the door of Ellie’s room, and your own frown deepens, you feel your heart race, as if you feel the climb of the track of the rollercoaster, building you up and then taking you back. It’s a while before Joel decides to go to the bedroom, he had decided to sit in the living room to remember Sarah one last time before letting her go.

You anticipate Joel’s footsteps, the thud of each step, and hear your door open. Joel finds you sitting at the edge of the bed, hunched over, your hands shaking in your lap as you try and hold yourself together. The quiet dim glow of the yellow lamp by the bedside table illuminates your features. You don’t look at him as he calls your name, you choose to look at the floor, he tries again, softer, “Birdie…” You only blink in response, the only indication that you heard him at all, you hear him step a little closer to you, “How much did you hear?” In a barely audible response, you shakily whisper, “All of it.”

Joel began, “Birdie… it’s for the best if we–” You cut him off before he could even finish, sharply turning your head at him as you stood up, “Joel I can’t… I can’t keep doing this.” He feels breathless as he registers what you said, “What?” You blink back the tears and try to look him in the eye, a little more alive as you let the scale tip and feel all of it rushing through you like a restless river stream, you feel your chest expand as you breathe and say, “If you don’t want me… if you don’t feel anything for me. Just say it and tell me now and I’ll figure out how to get back home on my own. ‘Cause I can’t keep going like this… dancing around you and pretending I don’t have feelings for you.”

You shake your head, “I’ve spent my whole life asking and searching for the impossible and none of it made any sense to me… And then I… I found you and Ellie. For the first time, I felt whole.” Your hand clenches near your chest as you utter, “Was I just delusional or imagining things? ‘Cause all of this… push and pull is hurting me. Do you even want me?” Joel steps a little closer as he says, “Yes.” And you look up at him and take one step back, “Then… why? And don’t you fucking dare make it an age-gap excuse or I will kick you in the balls Miller.”

He stumbles over his words, “I’m afraid. I’m so, so, afraid Birdie. That I could fail to protect you, Sweet Girl. The light that you give, the kindness you’ve shown, I’m scared I might taint it. Take away something so good in this world. You deserve so much more than what I could give.” Your face pinches in frustration and tears fall down your face, your cheeks warm and eyes puffy from all the sobbing, “Don’t I get a say?” And he’s quick to tell you, “Of course you do.” You scoff and angrily wipe your eyes. You pause and take a good look at the man in front of you, it's a fire and a goddamn blaze in the dark and he started it, you say from across the room, “Then let me choose you, Joel. Please, please, don’t leave me here.” He’s quiet as he takes in your words, and you continue, it’s uncomfortable but right, you say, “I don’t care about what was written about in your history. In the end, I want more than the life that I choose, and I want it to be with you.”

The silence that fills the room is one of heaviness and anticipation. The churning fear that pours out of you, and the inheritance you did not seek or ask for. You watch as Joel breathes heavily at your confession, taking his time to process what you said and felt for him. Someone who he deemed no longer worthy of receiving love. Slowly, you show him who he is and who he could be, and try to initiate the heart, bringing himself to let it open up properly. All of a sudden, you changed his mind and pulled back the curtains a little at a time.

You were on a frequency, the perfect opposite of him. Though he never needed any proof to trust the heart that beats inside of you. He can't keep his head from spinning out of control, but he will try to breathe ‘til it becomes muscle memory. He’s only steady on his knees, but maybe with you, he’ll one day stand on his own two feet. To struggle gracefully and let the scaffolding inside of him be strong enough to hold his tired body up once more.

He licks his bottom lip out of nervousness, and directly looks you in the eye, “I want you, Birdie.” You feel the rush of heat through your body, and stutter, “W-What?” His gaze darkens as he looks at you with need and desire, seemingly made up his mind to just give in, to let himself want and need you. “I said, I want you Birdie. Will you be mine?” He takes a step closer to you and you stay frozen, eventually, he’s towering over your frame, his eyes so dark you can no longer see the honey-brown eyes you were familiar with. You can’t help it. You’re drawn in by the force and pressure of the tempest building in those damnable eyes. Your heart is loud as a drumline, the thumping noise and heat in your ears as you feel the magnetic pull into his warmth, you feel his breath against your lips as you whisper, “Yes.”

That’s all it took, and with slow deliberation looks at you up and down. His inspection seems to last for hours, though it must take only seconds. The air between you crackles, and you want to move toward him, to close the gap between you. But you stay rooted to the spot, waiting for him. He lingers for a moment on your lips before finally lifting his head to meet your eyes, and his lips meet yours. You didn’t grow up, we grew in, like ivy wrapping, molding each other into perfect yins and yangs. You kissed with mouths open, breathing his exhale into your inhale. You could have survived underwater or outer space, breathing only the breath you traded.

You felt his warm rough large hands bring one hand to your waist and the other to cup the side of your cheek as he kissed you. You felt the tickle of his facial hair on your cheek, and each breath and groan vibrated throughout your body. You wrapped your arms around his neck, running your fingers rhythmically through his salt-and-pepper hair. Happily sighing breathlessly as he continues to kiss you dizzy. Like a whiskey, you can feel it he hits so strong but tastes so sweet.

The rush and thrill consumed you, the slick wetness between your thighs and his hands moving to cup and grab at your ass causing you to gasp in pleasure, to which Joel decides to pull your bodies closer ‘til no space lies in between. His presence was too powerful, his scent too all-consuming. It crowded your lungs, filling them with clean earthiness and rich spices. When you were around him, it was easy to lose myself, no matter how upset you were.

When he carefully dropped himself to the ground, the movement was both proud and obedient. His breath brushed over your skin. “Do you want this?” His fingers ran down the back of your leg, leaving a path of heat in their wake. Your thoughts were jumbled, but you had enough sense to realize this wasn't about sex. It was all about being vulnerable. It was a landmark event disguised as insignificant and distilled into one phrase. “Yes.” That was both demand and submission, a groan and a gasp. Joel exhaled. He carried you to the plush bed in the center of the room, appreciating everything you could give him. Clothes were quickly removed, and he stripped you down to your barest form while he kept his boxers on, an evident hard-on showing but choosing to take care of you first.

His palms burned as they parted your thighs. He’d barely touched you, and you were already on fire. You tipped your head back, drowning in arousal, heat, and lust and the reverence of his touch as he kissed his way up your thigh. His stubble rasped against your skin and sent tiny shocks of pleasure down your spine. As he separated your thighs, his palms seared. He hadn't even touched you yet, but you were still immediately burning. As he nibbled his way up your thigh, you threw your head back, reveling in pleasure, heat, lust, and the devotion of his touch.

“I'm sorry I offended you…” A gentle kiss at the fine line where your thigh meets your leg and persistent heat. “For attempting to drive you away…” Your underwear was removed and tossed to the side as he softly stroked your clit with his tongue. When he dragged your clit into his lips and sucked, his abrasive words mingled with your scream. Your body arched away from the bed. He began to worship you with his lips, hands, and tongue as your hands dug into his hair and you could barely hang on. Joel was rigid but beckoning. Delicate but sinful. You felt a new rush of pure sensation with every movement. Your chest and the base of your spine are both under pressure at the same time. You were soaring high solely on passion and desire, out of breath. He backed away and lightly touched your delicate clit with his teeth. He inserted two fingers into you and plunged and curled them as you wilted carelessly.

Your body was familiar to him. Knew precisely what you wanted, how to operate it like a well-tuned guitar, and even what buttons to press and where to press them. He stroked your G-spot while simultaneously pressing his thumb into your clit. When Joel stood up, his chest heaving, the strain was dizzying as your orgasms ripped through you and your moans were still echoing in the air. He gently kissed your lips as he leaned forward on top of you, bracing his hands on each side of your head.

When you kissed him and cherished the flavor of the kiss, leisurely threads of need twisted inside you. Like desperation flavored with desire and soothed with compassion, robust and rich. You explored and licked the inside of his mouth as you panted. He moaned in hunger and want, “Birdie…” Your hands roamed, your hearts pounding in sync and your kisses growing in intensity until the heat became too much to bear. 

He took off his boxers and you flipped both of you over with the help of gravity, and you gradually sank into him, taking him in, inch by inch until he was buried deep inside of you. Hitting deeper, and tasting sweeter. You rocked against Joel as his hands held onto your hips. A delightful pressure swelled inside of you, rising higher and higher until your head was distorted with lust. Sweat misted your skin. Moans filled the air. He was certainly straining to hold back, but he made no move to take control as you both experienced toe-curling orgasms at the same time. When Joel brought you down for a kiss, the second, smaller climax that the overpowering intimacy of the moment had triggered was still reverberating through you.

Your eyes are half-lidded as you pull away from the kiss and look at Joel, who’s heavily panting, breathless, and in awe of you. Joel flips you both over, and your back hits the mattress. He kisses you again, still, inside of you, you are still sensitive from your previous orgasm and cry out, “I can’t…” He pants and groans, “Yes you can sweet girl. You can do it. One more for me Birdie.” He’s hitting deeper and quicker as you try to squirm away from him but all he does is pin you down, grabbing your hands to lock them above your head, causing you to scream and cry out in pleasure. “You’re doing so well. You’re such a good girl.” He praises, and everything feels and sounds amplified, every thrust his hips make, the sounds of slick wet skin slapping together, each grunt and moan mixing and blending between you both finally brings you and him over the edge. He pulls out and paints your stomach while you clench and moan throughout your release.

He folds over atop you, his weight is a welcoming feeling, like a large protective blanket. You’re running your fingers through his hair as he continues to catch his breath and you hum happily, “You good cowboy or do you need a wheelchair?” He grunts, “Haven’t done that in a while. Cut the man some slack.” You laugh loudly and kiss the side of his forehead and he sighs with contentment. After a while, he rolls off of you, pulling you closer to his side, peppering your neck and cheek with kisses, “I’m goin’ to get a clean towel to clean us up.” You nod as he gets up, walks over to the bathroom, comes back with a clean rag, and wipes off the slick between your thighs and stomach.

He sets the cloth aside and climbs back in bed with you, tossing the blanket over both of your bodies, gripping your hips, and pulling you close. You kiss him again, just because you can and both of you are smiling widely at each other. You take a deep breath and close your eyes as you place your forehead on top of his, and Joel grumbles, “I should have pulled out earlier.” To which you yawn, “I have an IUD, it’ll expire in ten years.” Joel’s mouth opens, “You have a… oh right.” You laugh, “Yep. So I can keep riding you, my cowboy.” He smacks your ass and kisses you again as you yelp in surprise, “Keep talkin’ like that and we’re not gonna get any sleep tonight.” You roll your eyes in response but smile up at him.

The quiet between you two is comforting and allows you to rest your eyes, no awkwardness, just a blistering moment of peace. The night sky once ruled your imagination and you used to turn the dials with careful calculation. After a while, you thought you'd never find him and convinced yourself that you would never find him.

Then suddenly, he saw you through telescopes and calculations, the far was pulled so near. You opened your eyes to find yourself under his warm gaze, trying to memorize every feature as if you were constellations in the night sky. But the looming threat that hangs over you makes an appearance in the dark corner of the back of your mind, you whisper, “Joel.” He hums in acknowledgment and you continue, “You should give Ellie a choice. She also has every right to choose too.” He’s quiet for a moment before he sighs agreeing, “Yeah… Been thinking about it a while ago before you jumped my bones.” You smack his shoulder, “I did not!” To which he kisses you breathlessly, “I’ll give her the choice tomorrow.” You nod and cup the side of his face and he says to you so quietly, “We have a long way to go.” To which your eyes softened and kissed the tip of his nose, “Yes, but look how far we’ve come.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – EARLY MORNING

In the morning you don’t say it as both of you wake up to your bodies closely tangled with each other. His heavy arms are wrapped around your waist and his legs are inserted with yours as he kisses the back of your neck. Continuing to worship your entire being. You both had woken up early, sharing the water in the shower, to which you had both agreed you needed to save water, but it was just an excuse to keep touching each other.

By the time you both got out of the hot shower, you both got dressed and made your way to the stables. The chirping of birds brings you to smile at yourself as you brush your horse, preparing to leave. “You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie asks the both of you, causing you to look away from the task and tilt your head and smirk as Joel replies, “No. We came here to steal the horses and go.” To which Tommy says, “I woulda given you them.” And Joel replies with, “I know,” He sniffs and walks to Ellie before continuing, “Anyway… that was thirty minutes ago, and I guess… you deserve a choice. I still think you’d be better off with Tommy…” It’s no surprise that Ellie shoves her bag at Joel, “Let’s go.” He blinks and you laugh as he answers, “Okay.”

Both of you exit the stables with your horses, Joel helps Ellie mount his horse and you mount your own horse. “General direction?” Joel asks his brother, “Head southeast til you hit I-25. It’s right off the interstate. Shouldn’t be hard to miss.” He nods at Tommy before they both pull each other into a hug. They pull away and Tommy says, “There’s a place for you here… All three of you.” Joel gruffly says, “Countin’ on it.” And he spots Tommy’s rifle swung across his shoulder, “Can I borrow that?” Tommy nods, “Yeah.” But Joel continues to talk, “‘Cause Maria took mine.” Tommy throws him a look, “I already said yes, Joel. Adios, big brother.”

The large wooden gate’s latch is lifted open as your two horses trot through the snow. Exiting the safe, gated, community of Jackson. Your journey continues through the wilderness of Wyoming. The cold chilly air creates goosebumps at the back of your neck as you ride your horse past the tall emerald-green trees.

After a couple of hours of riding, Joel decides to teach Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. The sound of loud gunshots rings out as Ellie misses the main target. She sighs and Joel comments, “Wide right. You’re flinchin’.” You stand behind the two, enjoying the view of Joel and Ellie having some time together. Ellie shakes her head at him, denying, “The target’s too small.” Joel harrumphs at her, “I made it bigger than I should’ve. Eject the cartridge.” She does as she is told, and said, “I am not flinching.” Joel hums, “Mm-mhm.” Ellie doesn’t let up, “The rifle just sucks.”

“Okay, give it,” Joel said and Ellie gives it to him and whines, “It doesn’t aim right.” Joel only hums again, “Mm-hmm.” And Ellie frowns as she lifts her binoculars, “You’ll see.” They swap places and Joel grunts as he adjusts the rifle, “A deep breath in, slow breath out.” The girl sighs and Joel glances behind him to look at you, “You squeeze the trigger like you love it.” Your face warms at the memory of what happened last night and what he could be insinuating. You try to hide your smile, he winks at you and then looks to the scope, his voice getting deeper, “Gentle… steady… nice and slow.” Ellie drops her binoculars and groans, “You gonna shoot this thing or get Birdie pregnant? ‘Cause holy shit you guys were loud.” You choke on air at the same time Joel looks at Ellie shamelessly before looking back at the scope with his finger on the trigger. Ellie shakes her head, continuing to be in denial, “It isn’t gonna work. It doesn’t aim right.” A gunshot rings out, and it's a perfect headshot. “You dick.” Ellie says while Joel just smirks smugly and turns to look at you, “Birdie would know.” You throw your head and hands up in exasperation, “I fuckin’ can’t with you two.”

Wind bustled through the branches of the trees, making the leaves howl in their symphony. The horses trot through the snow, as the three of you make your way to the University of Eastern Colorado. The silence is no longer present, only filled by Ellie’s questions and Joel's answers. You occasionally input your own thoughts and ideas, correcting Joel when needed, but otherwise, you let yourself watch them form a connection that Joel was so afraid of.

“So the way they ran stuff in Jackson, was how things used to be?” Ellie asked, and Joel replies, “No. The country was too big for that. Back then, there were basically two main ways of lookin’ at things. Some people wanted to own everything. And some people didn’t want anyone to own anything at all.” Ellie hums, “Which one were you?” And you hear Joel reply, “Neither. I just did my job.” To which you chuckled, knowing that Joel has always tried to stay neutral in anything, it’s more efficient that way.

“Which was… building?” Ellie asks, and Joel confirms her guess, “That’s right. Houses, stores, that kinda thing. We were called ‘contractors’.” The teen mocks his voice, trying to deepen it, “The contractor. That’s pretty cool.” Joel smiles, his lips quirking a bit to the right, “Yeah. We were cool. Everybody loved contractors.” You rolled your eyes at Joel, letting him off the hook and not wanting to correct him at all.

The days go by and you three have been closer than ever. Joel and Ellie discuss the basics and rules of football while you hum to yourself the new song stuck in your head. Enjoying the sight of Joel and Ellie laughing and smiling over mundane topics, feeling your heart more full than ever before. A part of you that had been missing so long, a family you didn’t even know existed, a family you now found.

Further down the road, you pass by the sign indicating to take the I-25. “Well, how ‘bout that? Made it in five days.” Ellie adds, “Easy days. I don’t know what Tommy was so afraid of.” Joel’s mouth curls downwards, “Still time to find out.” To which Ellie mimics his baritone voice, “Still time to find out,” she then creepily whispers, “The Contractorrrr.”

The horses snort and huff as its hooves clop and trot on the pavement of the road. You make your way to the entrance of the deserted university, Ellie says aloud, “Home of the Big Horns. What does that mean?” And you answer, “It was their team mascot. It’s a kind of sheep.” Ellie smiles up at Joel, “Oh, see? One step closer to your dream. Don’t see any Fireflies, though.” He forms a hypothesis, “They’re probably in the middle. Safer.” He nods and leads, “This way.”

Joel has his rifle ready with one hand on the reins. The campus is eerily empty and quiet as your horses trot on the grounds. “So these places… people would live here and, like, what? Got to classes and stuff?” And you nod, “Yup. Sometimes even do research, like me.” She points out, “Even though they were adults.” Yours and Joel’s voices blended together as he answered, “Sort of adults.” While you said, “They were fake adulting.”

“I think it was just as much about partying and findin’ themselves as anythin’ else. Figuring what they wanted to do with their lives.” Joel plainly puts, and Ellie chuckles, “What they wanted to do with their lives.” To your happy surprise, your ears perk up when Joel says, “So I’ve been thinkin’.” You and Ellie urge him to continue, “I don’t want a sheep ranch, actually. I mean, if the deal is I can do anything?” And Ellie nods, “That’s the deal.” He faces the road ahead with a gaze so soft you barely recognized him, “Well… when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.” Ellie laughs while you smile widely at him, teeth showing and cheeks pinched upwards, the kid says, “Shut up.” While you say, “Come on Cowboy, let’s hear it. Serenade me.”

“No, you’re both already laughin’.” He grumpily replies, his eyebrows knitted together, and both you and Ellie protest, “Well, you’re singing for me later. I’m gonna save the fuckin’ world, man. It’s the least you could do for me.” Joel relents, “Fair enough. Birdie, what about you? Have you changed your dream yet?”

You smiled at the two people you’d gotten close with over the past few months, the unlikely bond you now were a part of, “I have everything I need right here, what else would I need to dream about?” you said. The two of them looked at you, wide-eyed and breathless at your statement. How funny it is to think, we only notice light when darkness crashes against it. The melody you carry is the strength while they come undone and the aftermath that makes them new.

Content with your answer, you trot forward with your horse and you three stumble upon a troop of monkeys that presumably escaped from a lab, Ellie exclaims excitedly, “Are those monkeys?” The troop proceeds to run away as Joel says, “Must be from the old labs.” The young girl laughs, “Look at them go.” Joel glances at her and asks, “First time seein’ a monkey?” Ellie parrots as a reply, “First time seein’ a monkey.”

“Lookit.” Joel points out to spot a Firefly symbol, “Here we go.” Ellie says, and your head in the direction of the research lab. As you arrive at what looks to be the entrance to the lab, “Guard stations.” Ellie states and Joel hums, “Mhm. No guards.” Ellie is unnerved and wary, she asks to take out her gun, and Joel allows it.

You dismount your horse and tie it to the tree, Joel and Ellie do the same. You arm yourselves as you walk inside the lab. The sound of your footsteps echoes in the deserted building, you look to the ground to see documents and masks littering the concrete floor. “There were definitely doctors here,” Ellie says looking at the test tubes and you spot a brown file on top of the metal trolly. You lift the cover of the folder, peeking at the papers, your eyes skimming over the words while lifting up the yellow sheet of paper, “This is a packing list. They moved out of here.” Ellie’s eyebrows furrow, “They just left?”

And on cue you hear the sound of metal clanging from upstairs, your heads whip up in the direction of the noise, and Ellie remarks, “Maybe not all of them.” Joel takes the lead as you make your way up the stairs, hearing the clanging sound getting louder. Joel finds the specific door to where the noises were coming from, and he readies his pistol, slowly pushing the door open, slightly creaking as it does, to be followed by a high-pitched screech.

Two monkeys hop out of the room through the window, screeching at you for disturbing them. You all lower your weapons and survey the area. You snort at the fact it was so anti-climactic for nothing, Joel utters, “Well… at least it ain’t Clickers.” And Ellie mumbles, “Yeah, no Fireflies either. Maybe in all that research, they turned into fuckin’ monkeys.” You and Joel sense her disappointment, her need for reformation, and ways she could be better in her mind.

You look through the medical equipment and research notes, trying to look for clues to where the group of researchers transferred. Joel approaches the large wooden corkboard, a map of the United States is on display along with notes pasted on the side. You and Ellie walk up next to Joel to analyze the pins pushed in the lines that trace along the roads leading to the center. “That’s where they went?” Ellie said, pointing out St. Mary's Hospital, located in Salt Lake City, Utah. Joel nods, “All the pins lead there. Maybe gettin’ ahead of the weather… better facilities? I don’t know.” The joy in you vanishes against your will. The light goes out and your heart goes still, and just like that, you believe in ghosts.

But then, the trio hears voices. Looking out the window, Joel sees four men armed with weapons, they were raiders. You were weighed down by dread, the flutter of fear in your stomach causes your palms to sweat and tremble. You needed to get out of here and fast. Joel quietly tells you both, “Out the back.” You run down the steps and find the back door, your guns are drawn as you stealthily make it back to your horses, staying ever vigilant. You’re a few steps away from your horses, Joel turns to you both asking in a hushed tone, “Ready?” And you both nod, “Yeah.”

You run to your own horse while Ellie and Joel untie theirs. Something caught your eye in your peripheral vision, a blur of a shadow, and you turn to see a man carrying a baseball bat, lifting it while running at Joel. Ellie screams his name out while you ran towards the attacker, the baseball bat breaks as he tries to hit you but instead strikes a tree. You didn’t think, you just acted, protecting the two people who kept you safe for the majority of your journey. Shoving him with as much force as you could, the raider hits the tree, and Joel comes to your aid, grabbing the raider to break the man’s neck.

You didn’t even realize it until Joel had turned around, in the struggle, the sharp wooden hilt of the bat is stuck inside his abdomen, blood seeping out through the jacket. Ellie’s eyes grow wide in horror and Joel looks down, and grunts as he pulls out the sharp hilt of the bat, you scream, “No, don’t!” But you were too late, and Ellie yells your name, “Birdie you’re also bleeding!” You look down at your own abdomen to find a large slash across it, the maroon blood dripping on the freshly fallen snow, you direct Ellie, “Get Joel on the horse now. We need to leave before…” You hear yelling from a distance and you aim and shoot at the raiders with one hand as the other clutches your stomach while Ellie helps Joel up and back onto the horse.

You use all the strength that you have and pull yourself up to your horse, following Ellie as she shoots them back with you, she yells, “Get back!” And you three were in time to get away from all the other raiders coming. After a few minutes, you three have managed to make it to a safe distance from the attackers, “They’re not following us, I think we’re safe.” Joel doesn’t reply, and Ellie voices her concern as her voice rises as she says yours and Joel’s name.

He’s the first one to collapse from his horse, and you go toppling down as well. You feel the plush landing of the pile of snow, Ellie immediately comes both to your sides, and she says in distress, “Fuck! Shit, no, no no.” The cold weather mixed with the blood loss you were both dealing with were not the best conditions for either of you. “Joel, Birdie, open your eyes come on.” You bring your tired eyes to the girls and cough out to Ellie, “Place pressure on his abdomen and drag him using his sleeping bag, the rope, and the horse Leave me here and find someplace warm.” Ellie can feel her eyes sting and her vision goes blurry, it feels like bittersweet poetry. You softly grab your hand, “Listen to me. Ellie.” She tries to shake her head but you gritted your teeth, the adrenaline had begun to fade and you were beginning to feel the sharp pain across your stomach, you grunt and squeeze her soft small hands, “Ellie, remember what I asked you to promise? Go. Please, save him.”

It had been a campfire night out in the woods at the university and Joel had fallen asleep again during watch. You had both been talking about mundane things, to your hobbies and what you missed about home, to ask about what her life was like in FEDRA school, at one point you realized that there would be a difficult decision to make and that you needed to prepare her just in case it might occur. You didn’t memorize everything from the game, but you knew damn well there would be a possibility that you and Joel might get injured and Ellie would have to choose.

You grab her hand, abruptly stopping her from her previous sentence, and look her in the eye, “Ellie. There will be a time when you have to choose between me and Joel. In the event we both get badly injured, you need to save Joel, no questions asked.” The teen tries to protest but you silence her, leaving no room for argument, “Joel will protect you better than I ever could, we both know that. You need him more than me, I’ve been alone for almost all of my life… this is nothing new, but you… you are something so special. You must choose Joel for your sake, do you understand?” Ellie’s lips form a thin line, and stubbornly she shakes her head, “No. I’ll save you both. Just you watch.” Your eyes soften at her naiveness and hope, “You can’t save everyone, Ellie. So, I know it’s unfair to ask you this, but I need you to promise me to save him when it comes down to it.” Her eyes begin to water as she reluctantly tells you, “Okay.”

In a voice so broken and vulnerable, you hear Ellie whisper into the cold air as she puts pressure on Joel’s wound and looks at both of you, “I can’t fuckin’ do this without you. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going, what the fuck I’m gonna do. Joel, Birdie.” You give her a small smile, “Ellie, sometimes, just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent. Keep going, Ellie.” She sniffs and she lets tears slip down her cheeks, you keep smiling as you use the rest of your strength to lift your hand to cup her cheek, wiping away the tears, “It’s okay. It’s okay, Ellie. This was where I was meant to be. Thank you, Ellie, remember that you are loved.”

You feel your vision begins to fade and drop your hand from Ellie’s cheek, letting your head rest on the plush snow, no longer looking at the teen, you tearily look up to feel the snowflakes gently fall on your face. You distantly hear Ellie drag Joel and tie him up on the sleeping bag as a makeshift sled. Your eyelids begin to feel heavy and start to droop, you turn your head to see Joel struggling to open his eyes, seeing your freezing, bleeding-out body staining the white cold snow. Joel cries out your name, pleading, “Birdie. Wait. No. Please…”

You look up at the bright gray sky, blinking and slowly beginning to only hear muffled sounds. Your horse decides to rest next to you, knowing what was about to happen, cuddling your bleeding-out body, and staying with you til the end. You decide that this was the best way to go, protecting and shielding the people you loved as much as you could. So you hum carols softly, as sweet as you know, a prayer that our burdens will lift as you go.

Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter

END NOTES:

AGAIN MY BAD FOR THE HUGGGEEE DELAY – I 1000% blame the jet lag since I just flew out to somewhere on the East Coast! Sorry, ya’ll! T^T (Also the fuckin 5 hours of sleep, I am running on fumes rn)

YAY YOU KISSED AND SLEPT TOGETHER WOW GOOD JOB

UR OFFICIALLY HIS GIRL *confetti*

Holy fucking shit that was sO HARD TO WRITE

OKAY NOT BECAUSE I WAS UNCOMFY WRITING IT CHILL– its um, cuz, miss gorl here has never been properly kissed or um had a boyfriend lol so take a freaking guess to why

So writing a romance scene reALLY REALLY TESTED MY KNOWLEDGE, PATIENCE, AND HECKING ALL THE ROMANCE BOOKS I’VE READ PLEASE I WAS CLAWING MY WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE TIME

I hope it wasn’t too awful or unrealistic :,))

HORRAY FOR FINALLY FACING YOUR FEAR AND VOICING OUT UR NEEDS AND WANTS GOOD JOB HERE HAVE A COOKIE

FUCK JOEL GOT STABBED MF

YOU ALSO GOT INJURED?? AGAIN?? WTF IS WRONG WITH U *bonk* ARE U DEAD OH NO? WTH!?!?1

ALSO MF PEDRO PASCAL IF I EVER MEET YOU I MIGHT HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN FRONT OF YOU AFTER YOU DESCRIBED PTSD SO WELL WTF– ahem, I have PTSD and I’ve never seen me represented properly in any television series or movies. It’s always (usually) war veterans yk (CALM DOWN— CHILL PRETTY VALID AND PRETTY DAMN FUCKIN TRAUMATIC) But as someone who has PTSD and yk hasn’t been to a literal war it’s a bit harder to connect or relate to it (im not fucking whining, I’m just telling you my experience with PTSD) But the way Pedro showed it— fuck man. It was like staring at a mirror. My own brokeness represented in one episode. I felt so seen for the first time.

BUT THIS ONE, MF PEDRO U DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS

yay for Maria and Tommy! Such cuties congrats on the baby!!

someone should probably help me find a boyfriend— idk i Need research for smut :DD (this is a joke please don’t)

This chapter was wAYYYU more personal and intimate to write about. I just needed to do this right for my sake and others. 

Sorry for the delay! The smut part was a little bit intimidating to write since yk I have zero experience with it LMAO

Thank you for sticking with me and I look forward to all of your comments and feedback! It gives me an idea if im doing this right and opportunity to connect with all of you! I LOVE YOU GUYS SOSOS MUCH AND OFF TO EP 7 I GO AHHHHH

Grace

[eclecticqueennerd]

Confessions

Y/N Ending

Staring at Homelander’s corpse, breathing ragged, you felt a hand touch your shoulder. You turn around and see Butcher standing next to you. How is this possible? Homelander beat him within an inch of his life, at the very least he should be comatose. You see the rolled-up sleeve and track marks.

“Come on, let’s leave before others find out what happened.” Butcher goes to grab your hand and you snatch them away.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Y/n I aint fuckin around. You just dusted Vought’s pride and joy and they’re gonna be lookin for ya. We need to leave while we can.”

“I’m not going anywhere with a liar!”

“Wha?”

“Your arm.” Butcher looks down, “You just shot up Temp-V after you promised you wouldn’t. How can I trust you if you can’t even keep your promises?”

“What else was I supposed to do y/n I was dying! We can talk about this later.”

“We’re not talking about anything later. Bye Butcher.” You begin to walk away from Butcher but then he grabs your arm.

“You don’t get to walk away from me.”

“Is there a problem here?” Ben now at your side. You step away from both men, Butchers eyes narrow.

“Mind your fucking business you supe cunt.”

“Anything with y/n is my business. How many times do I have to remind you, she’s, my girl.”

“She aint your girl she’s mine.”

“I’m no one’s girl!” The two men break the stare off and look at you. “This whole time I’ve been helping you fight Vought and fight Payback; I never got a chance to be what it’s like to be by myself. I never got to grieve for my poor husband.” You start crying. Butcher reaches out for you. “No! Don’t touch me. I’m done with this superhero shit.” You leave before the two of them get a chance to change your mind.

*

You find out that Grace was in the hospital, and you rushed to be by her side. Homelander never killed her but the attack left her paralyzed. In hopes to repay her for all her kindness, you become her caretaker. You helped her with daily activities, bathing, dressing, cooking, and cleaning.

“You know y/n you don’t have to do this.” Grace would always tell you in the beginning.

“I know I don’t have to do it; I want to. I want to repay all the kindness you showed me.” Grace helped you find a therapist to work out the shit you went through and how to develop copeing skills for when your PTSD arose its ugly head. Winding down one evening, the two of you were sitting in the living room watching the news when you got a strong urge to vomit. You ran to the bathroom did so. Confused, you walked back to the living room and Grace gave you a look.

“You, okay?”

“Yeah, something must not have agreed with my stomach, I just puked.” Graces attention fell back towards the tv.

“Hmm.”

The following morning, you felt like garbage. You made multiple trips to the bathroom, either to vomit or dry heave. You also noticed that your breasts were more tender than they have been, which isn’t normal. Weird…

“Y/n, have you thought about taking a pregnancy test?” Grace asked once you sat down at the breakfast table with a glass of tepid water.

“I don’t see the point in that, I can’t get pregnant after getting my tubes tied.”

“Theres always a small chance of getting pregnant y/n, the doctor explained that when you were still drugged, which I think he should’ve waited. Did you use protection when you shacked up with Butcher?” Oh shit. You made a doctor’s appointment.

*

“I’m afraid Grace is right y/n, test results came back positive, we tested both your blood and urine. We can perform an ultrasound to determine how far along you are, but basing off your symptoms and the timeline you gave us, we estimate you at approximately 6-8 weeks. We also feel like with your accelerated healing powers, it caused the tubes to grow back together. If it weren’t for you having the abilities you have, the surgery may have been more successful.”

Your heart sank into your stomach. You can’t be pregnant, it wasn’t possible. Reading your expression, the doctor adds,

“We can arrange for… a procedure to take place in a few days’ time if you didn’t want to keep it.” Several minutes of silence befell the room as you mulled over your thoughts.

“I’ll keep it.”

*

Grace’s family heard what happened to her and they arrived at her home to care for her. Even though Grace wanted you to stay, you felt unwelcome by her family. You decided to find an apartment in the city. Packing up the final boxes into the van, you give Grace a hug and bid farewell.

“Make sure you call me when you get there. Send me your schedule for your appointments and I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks Grace.”

*Third trimester*

Arriving back to your apartment after a long day of being on your feet, you notice a small daisy on your doormat. This event occurred the same day every week since you moved back to the city. You always look around the hallway to see any figures and like usual, no one. You pick up the flower and make your way into the apartment and set it on the counter. Then, strong contractions began in your abdomen and lower back, water trickled down your legs. You pull out your phone,

“Grace, It’s time.”

*4 years later*

You moved to a small town just outside the city. The apartment complex wasn’t awful, it was close enough for you to make the trip into the city but far enough from all the stressors of city life. What prompted the move was the weekly flower delivery made you feel uneasy and watched. You and your daughter, who you named Lyla, always went out for ice cream on Wednesdays at the mom-and-pop ice cream parlor. Walking up to the second floor of the apartment building ice creams in hand, you reach your door and unlock it. The two of you enter the apartment and while you kicked off your shoes, you noticed a familiar pair of boots. Before you could react,

“Mommy? Who’s that?” you look up to where your daughter was pointing. There standing in front of you, was the man you left all those years ago in Vought’s lab. He still looked the same, beard maintained, brown hair a little longer now, his tall frame still holds the same confidence, face appeared more weathered than before.

“Hey.” He spoke. Lyla must’ve noticed the look on your face. She began tugging at your sleeve, showing her nerves. You break eye contact with him and look at your daughter, who serves as the daily reminder of the steamy nights you shared with the man in front of you.

“It’s okay honey. That’s your daddy.”

The end

[taikanyohou]

Please, more crying Vegas headcanon

hiiii anon!!

dhsjdid oh i see so you liked me going off on one about vegas crying lmaoo.

yeah so. vegas just. cries. like. all the time in front of pete. and each time he does pete takes it in his stride. at first i reckon it surprised pete. he didnt really expect vegas to easily cry. or know what to do with a crying vegas other than offer words of comfort, a touch of understanding and a presence of empathy. but then, it didnt anymore. it just turned into a realisation that this is a release for vegas, the quickest easiest go to release for his body to let out all this overwhelming emotion he feels from his system, just bc of how intensely he feels it.

and for vegas, it just feels so good for once, to be able to cry so freely and to just let the tears pour without reservation. without hiding how ugly it gets. without holding a guttural heart wrenching sob back. where there's no judgement or mocking or looking down or shaming or being told he's weak for it.

and its not always the loud, wailing crying that vegas does. and its not always crying because he's sad or scared.

sometimes vegas cries tears of happiness. sometimes vegas cries tears of gratitude. sometimes vegas cries tears of pleasure.

sometimes vegas cries because him, pete and macau are sat together on the ground on a summer's evening in their garden and they're just laughing so much over something that it makes vegas' belly hurt and he's in stitches and the tears just come out.

sometimes vegas cries because macau's come home and is so so upset and he won't eat and he won't speak to vegas and vegas doesn't know what to do and he's trying and trying and the panic and anxiety of not knowing what's caused macau to be this upset is starting to simmer and bubble within vegas and it's all getting a little overwhelning. but. pete is there, of course he is, and macau just gravitates to him. and pete's hugging macau and holding him and whispering "it's gonna be ok. you've got me and your hia. you can choose not to tell us or tell either one of us or us both when you're ready to." and pacifying him and treating him just like he is his own baby brother, and vegas can do nothing but just cry at the sight of it. that, thank God pete is here.

sometimes vegas cries because of the nightmares. and the urges. they won't leave him. they won't go away. maybe its ptsd. he's been reading up about that stuff recently, secretly. he finds himself wake up and he's drenched in sweat yet he's shivering. and he sometimes hears gunshots in those nightmares and wakes up feeling his torso and his stomach. he's fine, he isn't shot, he isn't bleeding out, but it felt too close, too real. sometimes its his dad's dead body he sees. sometimes its his dad's voice he hears, of how disappointed he is in him, that he amounts to nothing, that there remains no minor family anymore and that this version of a family that vegas, pete and macau have created isn't what he spent years and years slogging over. sometimes its his mum, and how she was so close to touching his face so lovingly and telling him she's so proud of the boy, the man, the human, that her precious baby has become, only for that hand to be sucked away into a black abyss and instead all vegas hears is her final shrilling scream. sometimes its macau and he's holding a gun to his head and he's apologising again and again, telling vegas that he can't do this anymore, it hurts too much and the pain is too much to bear. that its not vegas' fault and he's been the best he could be with what he had to work with. that he loves him and that he always wants him to remember that. and then there's a BANG. and then it's just red. sometimes he sees images of pete and him, and he's on his knees as pete stands above and looms in front of him, vegas completely in his shadow, eyes looking up at pete, pleading and begging him to use him, to touch him, to love him. and pete just steps away. backwards. further and further away from him, until he's just a silhouette, and then nothing, and then a memory. maybe even a figment of his imagination. its nightmare after nightmare, rotating. its claustrophobic. he struggles to breath. a glass of cold water does no good. laps around the garden in the dead of night do no good. but he tries these things anyway. anything so that he doesn't have to burden pete with all this baggage (but its never a burden, pete has told him this everytime and vegas knows). he tries these things, so that he doesn't give in to the darkest urge and it's pull and lure on him the most: to end it all himself. because he can't do that pete and macau again. he cannot make them go through that again. so he'll go outside and get some air with a glass of water and clear his head, and cry and cry and cry until he's exhausted himself out. then he'll try meditating and working on controlling his breathing, make an attempt at emptying his head out or whatever, something he's read up on, and then he makes his way back into his bedroom. of course, pete is sat on their bed, awake. all he says is "again?", and vegas nods. pete opens his arms and vegas finds himself in tears again, in pete's hold, in pete's embrace, soaking his tshirt, silently sobbing. pete says nothing. at times like this, words do nothing. what feels more real is touch. what feels more anchoring is touch. so pete continues to hold vegas as he lies them both down, his fingers soothing him as he strokes vegas' back, his lips pressing gentle kisses on vegas' forehead, until vegas' breathing has evened out and he's fallen asleep.

and on vegas' birthday, he follows this ritual of going to the graveyard to visit his mum with macau. they've always had each other to lean on, hands to hold, shoulders to rest heads on, to cry. this year it's a little different. they have 2 graves to visit, their mum and dad, and pete alongside with them. they lay down the flowers, pay their respects, and stand in silence, each of the 3 of them having a moment to silently talk with them. vegas cries. all he can muster up is how much he misses them both, and how he'll try to be someone they can be proud of. that he's happy, he feels lighter, a bit better about himself. that he gets what love means. what family means. what being so fiercely loyal and protective means. and as he holds hands with pete and macau stood either side of him, his world, he tries to hold back the sobs, tries to swallow them back down his throat, but pete squeezes his hand, and vegas just ... breaks. what's the point of hiding this all from his family, dead and alive, when he doesn't want to do that anymore? so pete ushers both macau and vegas to come and sit under a tree, in the shade, and this time pete is in the middle, holding both vegas and macau, sitting either side of him.

and that night, when vegas and pete make love, vegas cries, again. at the pinnacle of his release, he's wrecked, mind and body completely fucked out. its a daze. the smell of sweat and sex and cologne from this morning thats remained and lust, hot and heavy and weighted, lingers in the air around the room, clings to their bodies. and yet he's ready to go again. its so sweet, so blissful, how ready pete is too. how they match each other's intensities. the sex is so fucking divine. its fast then slow then rough then tender and above and below and everywhere its just petepetepete, in him and around him. it gets so stimulating sometimes, so oversensitising, vegas cant quite believe his destiny. he gets to fuck the ex head bodyguard of the main family every day and every night, anytime, anywhere, and he feels like a God, for being able to do so because pete chose him above them. he gets to hear pete like they never have and he gets to see pete like they never have and he gets to smell and taste and touch pete like they never could. and pete trusts vegas with all of himself. with all of his body and his heart and what to do with them. how? he still can't quite figure it out. but vegas will never betray that trust. and when they're coming down, from the high of the sex, pete confesses his love. and its not an i'm hungry, or i just want to follow my heart. its an i love you, vegas.

and vegas cries.

[khaire-traveler]

If you're still answering for the ask game: 🧿

🧿 - Did you have any other spiritual beliefs before discovering your current practice?

(Adding a read more for those uninterested as this is a longer post)

Yes! I used to be a Christian. I basically followed my own intuitive beliefs about Jesus and God after struggling to discover my own path (my family was not religious, so it was a lot of fumbling around in the dark growing up). I didn't really do things the same as other Christians around me would at the time (things are different now, I would say), so it was difficult for me to find a good sense of community. I found one in a local church, but even that was a bit weird for me because most people were in their 30s-40s and my ass was 16 lmao.

Anyway, I was a very devout Christian for pretty much my entire life (I even considered becoming a pastor), but when I was 17 (late 2019-early 2020), something massive changed. My PTSD reared its ugly head for the first time, and when it hit me, it hit me fucking hard. Depression and anxiety became virtually unbearable for me, I was literally going through three abusive situations at once, it was my Senior year of highschool while the pandemic hit, and my life felt like it was falling apart. Shit was absolutely wild. And throughout it, I prayed to the Christian God. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and for the first time in my life, it felt like no one was listening on the other end.

I was praying to the ceiling. I was crying out to the dry wall.

That was when I officially left my Christian faith. Other factors also contributed to it, but I won't be discussing them. It took me until August of 2020 to engage with any pagan/polytheist beliefs. Before then, I tried out Wicca for, like, one month, realized that it didn't work for me and also made me feel weird as an enby, and just sort of didn't have any beliefs for a while (glad that Wicca didn't stick, tbh). In August, though, Lord Hermes reached out to me. As far as I know, he's the first deity to reach out to me, and my gods did he reach out strong lmao. He would not give up on my oblivious ass, sending me signs and trying to get my attention. I'm grateful to him for that.

When I prayed to Hermes for the first time, someone was on the other end of that prayer. I wasn't praying to the ceiling; I was praying to someone, and he was listening to me. I felt his energetic presence as well, and although I was a bit nervous because I hadn't had that experience before, it was still reassuring in a way, almost like a confirmation that "yes, this was a good thing to try". Hermes was the first deity I ever started worshipping in a pagan sense. It was a lovely experience, and from the start, he was kind, helpful, and supportive. He will always hold a special place in my heart. 🧡

-

That's my story. I'm sorry for the whole backstory I just gave you lol. Thank you for the ask, Nonny. c:

If you want to join the ask game, here's the link!

[hopeafterharm]

DAY 3 "I hate people. I love people. I hate people. I love people."

I was scrolling through TikTok yesterday and as I was browsing, a clip popped up on my For You page featuring Julia Roberts in the middle of an interview. She spotted someone in the audience wearing a "we are family" tee from the Be Love brand—a line that truly embraces the spirit of humanity. Julia was so thrilled about the shirt that she invited the fan onstage for a quick photo op. It was such a pure, joyful moment that it warmed my heart.

With Taylor Swift's 'Eras' movie playing in the background—'Long Live' serendipitously filling the room—I decided to explore the Be Love website. I stumbled upon a tee that read "Kindness is magic," and before I knew it, I was ugly crying. You see, being kind, unconditionally and universally, has become a cornerstone of my life. Having navigated a childhood and adulthood riddled with challenges, my deepest wish is for others to feel seen, to feel understood, to know they're not alone.

I pour kindness into everything I do, even when it seems like it's not warranted—because, truly, we all deserve it. No matter our missteps or the judgment we face—be it self-inflicted or from external forces—a touch of forgiveness can shift a life from one of shame to one of empowerment.

As the saying goes, "Hurt people hurt people," but the backstory, the reasons why someone might act with cruelty, often remains hidden. And though I feel stuck at times, trying to navigate, cope, and heal from the pain thrust upon me, my heart remains resilient, not yet beyond repair.

Every day, I grapple with my feelings towards humanity—I oscillate between frustration and love. But deep down, I know it's love that endures. I'm inspired by people like the founder of Be Love, who channel their energy into promoting peace and understanding through our collective struggles.

However, with complex PTSD and the stage I'm at in my personal journey, I'm currently confined to the day-to-day responsibilities of being a mom, a wife, and managing my work. I have to focus on this part of my path. It's been nearly two years since my sexual abuse criminal case started, with no end in sight, and a looming civil case that could extend this fight for another couple of years. That's possibly half a decade of my life, seemingly on hold, as I struggle for my voice and for justice, trying to overcome a lifetime's worth of pain.

I yearn to reach out, to speak up, to create a sanctuary for those who shoulder similar burdens. But for now, it has to wait. I need to accept this, to allow this chapter of my journey to unfold as it should, knowing that, in time, it will all make sense. As Taylor Swift sings, "Long live the walls we crash through..." I hold onto that hope.

[allofmyfriendsaredead27]

Are highly sensitive people real? 

Highly sensitive people, super empaths, highly empathetic people… whatever you call it do these people exist?

After 37 years of feeling like I’m all over the place and being frustrated, I was doing research and I am starting to believe it is real and maybe I am one of them.  Not that I feel like I’m superior, or paranormally gifted, but I feel things from others and from myself with such intensity sometimes I feel like I’m going to bust from the seams. 

I’m in a place where I just spent 15 years of my life having my soul sucked by someone who is just so negative, passive aggressive, and couldn’t tell what I was feeling even if he could see inside of me.  I felt guilty because I saw the pain inside and where this came from and how much his self-loathing would inhibit him.  However, he would at times literally look past me as if I wasn’t there to say goodbye to our son and ignore me.  It was mostly for me calling him out on his behaviors that left me feeling worthless, undervalued, and wanting to kill myself.  I started smoking weed to dull the pain.  He is never going to make it easy for me to be by myself, but what he does will never stop because he doesn't care about how I feel.  I guess it is was hard for me to see this until now. I guess I thought he was like me, but I started to see his lack of empathy over the past few years.  He is toxic and I haven’t loved him for years but he is a fucking leach.  He has me captive at the moment, because I am the breadwinner and I cannot just kick him aside; once I move.. he is one his own though and he knows it which is why he is trying to keep me in VA.  He is my kids dad and I need to do this in a way leaves me and my kid safe.  Im so close to freedom.  He is violent, just not directly at me, it is enough to incite my PTSD of being around my dad and mom beating each other up as a kid and that fear is crippling.  My kid can’t see this.  It is important to me.  He is very much aware that I am leaving, I am honest just smart.  

Over the past year, I found myself talking with guys who were the same but I couldn’t see it initially, because guys like that… they look like they have empathy, but the actions and words never match.  That is how you spot them.  They left me feeling depleted, worthless, and full of this emotion of sadness and hate that I couldn’t contain inside.  What is wrong with me and why am I like this?  Why am I so fucking sensitive? If you know me… im a researcher and a realist I look for the evidence.  

So there is a group of people that are believed to be highly sensitive to others needs and reading about these people just ticked all the boxes…

Living with myself for some time, I have come to notice things about me.  I am as critical of others actions as I am of my own and I do a lot of self-reflection.  

I have noticed that.. I tend to change or adapt my behaviors based on people that I am with.  Not that I am putting on a mask per say, but I can resonate on a different level that brings out the those parts of me.  

I tend to be able to trust my gut.  

I feel too deeply and take on the stress and emotions of others and find myself feeling very tired and needing time alone to decompress or I am a zombie.  

            I can’t help but think of that 2-year-old boy that was kidnapped for 24 hrs and was found with these fucking terrible ppl who shaved his head. He went to my sons preschool so it was very close to home.  For that 24 hrs he was gone, I had to work, I stayed in my office and cried all day just feeling so helpless and just feeling what he was feeling. I even cried in the middle of our ward when someone was talking about it.  Like full on ugly cry I left and stayed in my office.   I didn’t know this kid, I felt dumb and my husband at the time said I was over reacting when a few days later I was googling to find any updates.  We got emailed a go fund me for him and his family.  The little boy just wanted to be outside all the time now, and the family wanted a fence so they could feel secure.  I didn’t even have to think about it.  I have advanced degrees but I am not rich or wealthy, I live pay check to pay check and my savings gets depleted quickly. It’s the loans and disportionate pay that is the issue (tuition goes up for vet students, salaries once they graduate do not).  Plus, I funded my whole education so I have a lot of credit card debt that I used to live on.  You cant work and go to vet school.  Anyways, I gave 300 dollars.  I wanted to give more. I did actually once I got paid again.  My husband was pissed and didn’t understand but I didn’t care what a fuck if he doesn’t understand – I was out of love with his controlling passive aggressive ass at this point anyways.  I needed to help this kid feel safe and that people will be there for him and protect him.  

I give my all and will do anything for anyone in need, even if it puts my needs aside.  

I date below my league--- ok this bothers me, because what is a league anyways, we are all just people. Many people think the people I date are beneath me or not in the same looks category.  Ive never felt this way.  And I can’t stand guys who are all braggy and try to take care of me.  I just chose people who suck me dry which is what I need to change.  They don’t reciprocate.  

I often feel tired and overwhelmed, and like im isolated.  

So far there is some legit research, but it’s a real hard area to study I think.  If you think your too sensitive maybe you are a highly sensitive person – which makes you fucking awesome.  

[bistevethor]

Steve Rogers Fanfiction Recommendations

Happy birthday, Steve!

I know that there are some (a lot?) of steve fans who sometimes struggle to find fics focused on him, so I am here now putting a list of Steve fics. I was going to fics that I haven't seen recommended a lot and most of the ones on this post have less than 200 kudos only, but I end up putting everything (it's probably easier to put my bookmarks as public but well...). It's a massive list (over 100 fics?), so it's will be separated into several posts/reblogs.

Not all of them are from Steve's POV or even have him as the main 'main' character, but rest assured he played an important role and is featured heavily. Lots of these are friendship-focused but I categorized them. The shippy ones are mostly samsteve, thundershield, and some rare pairings because I don't venture to other ships a lot and when I did it's to the rare ones instead lol. Hopefully, any of you can find some gems from this list and these are as enjoyable or as good as I remembered. I'll continue to update it, hopefully, every time I find new ones.

Fics are under read more.

General

The Rocket's Red Glare

Steve was born on the Fourth of July (no joke), so a party is in order! Unfortunately, PTSD decides to rear its ugly head. Fortunately, Steve's got an entire team at his back to help him through it. And screaming goats.

an entry in the scrapbook of absurdity

In which Steve turns into a baby and bites people.

Baby Steve Adventures

Captain America gets hit by a spell during a battle. The rest of the Avengers look after him.

Do You Remember Being Happy? ('Cause I Sure Don't)

"Dragr," Thor called them. "Demons" Clint had said. "Thieves" is what Steve labels them as. AKA, the one where Steve is captured by creatures that feed off of happy memories, and the team is left to pick up the pieces. Post-Avengers.

In Search of (Bucky, Family, Home)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson

A week following the events of CATWS, Steve recruits Natasha and Sam to help find Bucky.

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Do we need to recap again? You were shot three times, beaten near to death by an enhanced super soldier with a metal arm and then almost drowned. Yeah, your ass is going to need a few more days of healing time.”

The Truth When Captains Meet

Steve Rogers wakes up on an alien’s space ship being carried bridal style by Carol Danvers. As far as first meetings go, it’s memorable.

Irish Coffee

Pairings: Jessica Jones & Steve Rogers

Jessica runs into an incognito Cap at a cafe. They form an unlikely friendship of sorts.

The Lifetimes of Steve Rogers (Series)

What happens when Steve Rogers steps onto the quantum platform to return the Stones? Where does he go? What challenges does he find? Who does he meet? How many lifetimes can one man have?

Fifty-Two Pickup

Less than a week after the fall of the Triskelion, Steve Rogers is released from the hospital. Although his physical wounds are almost fully healed, other injuries need a bit more time, and some help from friends.

little kids get big so fast

Steve ends up having to take care of the deaged Defenders.

Grampa Steve's Bedtime Stories

If Mommy was away for work, then Morgan’s Grampa Steve came over to stay with her. He’d tuck her in, let her give Mommy a kiss on video chat, then hand her the picture of Daddy for his kiss. Once Daddy’s picture was back on the bookshelf, Grampa Steve would turn off the bedside lamp so that Miss Friday could cover the ceiling with stars, and ask Morgan what story she wanted to hear.

“Captain Steve, Grampa! Tell me Captain Steve!”

Grampa Steve sometimes read to her from books and other times watched a movie with her, but her favorite by far was when he told her Captain Steve’s Adventures Through the Multiverse.

On Camping Trips

Sam is more Hermione than Natasha is, and Steve doesn't want to be Harry.

Powerful

Steve loses the advantages of the super-soldier serum. This is not a tragedy.

His Dream

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

As if on cue, Steve cut him off with a loud sneeze.

"Yeah. Like that." Sam nodded. "And please sneeze into your elbow next time, dude. You could've just started an epidemic."

"Sorry. Allergies." Steve excused, and Sam raised an eyebrow.

"How do you know it's allergies?" Sam asked, and Steve sighed, putting the ingredients together and solving the mystery of what the gas had actually done.

The answer wasn't ideal. "It feels like the seasonal allergies I had before. Before the serum- and I haven't had them since the serum."

Realization clicked in Sam's head.

"The gas de-serumed you."

Steve swallowed and nodded reluctantly.

OR: Steve gets temporarily de-serumed, with his height and stature staying the same but his immune system being as bad as it was before, and has to stay in the hospital to prevent a severe allergic reaction or illness. Sam stays with him the whole time, making sure he's not alone.

A Strange Encounter

Things have gone awry and Strange is injured. With no other options, he's called for assistance from Captain America and his team.

even if we're apart, i'll always be with you

Steve finds a dirty toy bear at an abandoned gas station, on the way back from a school trip. He brings him home.

As Long as You’re Not Tired Yet of Talking

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

When Steve Rogers tells her, “Don’t be a stranger,” as they’re all going their own ways after New York, it makes her want to laugh.

Draw/Breath

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Natasha like knowing what makes people tick. She likes knowing things, about her teammates and her coworkers and herself. Oddly enough, sometimes other people like knowing her too.

AKA: Natasha wants to know why Steve isn’t drawing anymore, and takes the long way round to get her answer. Because why not.

With Magic We Do Fly

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers

In Civil War we see Wanda fling Steve into the air with her magic. They must have practiced that, right?

Que Wanda throwing Steve against a wall. Many times.

Just Like We Practiced

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers

Steve had said, in the movie when he asked Wanda to lift him into the building, "Just like we practiced." But just how did they come up with the idea of her lifting people with her powers, and putting them up somewhere like an escalator? Perhaps it was because Wanda accidentally sent a certain tall, blond Avenger face-first into the floor once and he decided he would help her learn to utilize this as a confidence building exercise. Natasha keeps an eye, Thor and Sam help build the training grounds, and Wanda has found her new home. Takes place between AGE OF ULTRON and CIVIL WAR.

Black and White but Red and Blue

They're watching black and white film reels, but Steve sees them in colour.

"My shield may be black and white but it was red and blue. Just like the blue sky under which red blood was spilled. Like Bucky's blue eyes and Peggy's red lips..."

The Road Warriors

Characters: Sam Wilson (Marvel), Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Wanda Maximoff

It wasn't pretty, but somehow the four of them managed to make it through two years on the run.

We'll Fix It

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Steve has a hard time after his battle with The Winter Soldier and isn't sure what to do with himself. After not seeing him for a week, Natasha finally shows up to his apartment unannounced to figure out how they can get back to work. There is some crying involved.

From Here On Out

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

The Accords, the search for Bucky, the fight at the airport ... In a world where nothing will ever be the same, sometimes the road to rebuilding trust and friendship is a little rockier than it should be.

AKA, the story of Steve & Natasha and how they got to where they are.

Set post-Civil War but pre-Infinity War.

I have this breath and I hold it tight

Parings: Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers, Clint Barton & Wanda Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff & Vision

Steve finally goes to Wanda’s tiny room and taps on the doorframe, although it’s hardly necessary, with the slightly warped floorboards creaking under his feet. “Hey,” he says. “Got a minute?”

Wanda's been a little withdrawn since Steve broke everyone out of the Raft. She's had a lot to think about.

to you.

Pairings: Pietro Maximoff & Wanda Maximoff, Clint Barton & Wanda Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov, Wanda Maximoff & Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff & Sam Wilson, Wanda Maximoff & Tony Stark

It's Wanda's birthday today. She's not sure how to feel.

New Love

Pairings: Diana (Wonder Woman) & Steve Rogers

Near the end of World War II, Diana Prince finds herself attempting to reconnect to her long-gone, beloved Steve Trevor. However, she comes across Steve Rogers instead.

Sharing Life (And Canned Green Beans)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

It’s Thanksgiving, and Steve is hiding in the second living room on the 8th floor of the penthouse apartments with a can of green beans.

I'm Fine

Steve slowly began to realize that the problem with being a national icon, a hero, and a role model, is that somehow, he became more than human. He become a symbol, not a person. So when he becomes increasingly unhappy, deeply depressed, and utterly adrift in a world where he doesn't belong, the loneliness and isolation are unbearable. How could anyone believe that an iconic hero like himself was really just an ordinary kid from Brooklyn, dying inside because everything he'd gained still wasn't enough to replace everything he'd lost? How could he possibly bring himself to bleed on the ones he loves? So he tells himself the same lie over and over, hoping one day, he'll believe it.

dogpile

"My dog ate my mission report" An injured Steve remembers something he has to do. Unabashed Steve and dogs fluff. "Didn't peg you for a pet guy." "Allergies."

Alone In This World (Together)

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson

“We’re fugitives,” Steve said finally. “It might never get better.”

“The world’s always going to need saving," Sam replied. "We’re still Avengers. No one can take that away from us.” Then, like they hadn't been having an entire conversation before, “So when do we leave?”

“Once night falls.”

Do we have any idea where she is?”

“No.” Steve took a sip of his coffee. “But I know where she’ll be.”

it gets the worst at night

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov

Here's how it goes: Natasha sometimes shares a bed with Steve. It's not what it sounds like.

(In which there are Colombian drug lords, awkward boners, cuddly super-soldiers and the Avengers are all giant dorks.)

Shelter

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

Sam and Steve, right after the fall of SHIELD.

Princely Bickering

Pairings: Jane Foster/Thor, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers & Jane Foster, Steve Rogers & Thor

Steve allows Sam to lean up and inspect his head for bruises and blood. He then checks out Steve’s eyes. ‘Do you know where you are?’ Steve rolls his eyes. ‘Don’t be an ass, Cap, apparently you can break.’ ‘London, England, chasing apparently useless Hydra intel despite having about five hundred international arrest warrants out for us because we’re just that stupid,’ says Steve. Sam pats him - gently - on the shoulder. Life on the run isn't easy, especially not after an injury. Fortunately Steve still has a few allies left.

And The Seconds Tick Down

AU of Civil War. How the world ended in twenty steps when Steve died.

"Grant" and "Francis" Go Shopping

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

Steve and Clint both have holiday shopping to do for their family of choice, so they make a day trip to an outlet mall, have a few heart to hearts, use some coupons, buy a bunch of presents, and eventually get through their shopping lists.

A Tune Without Words

Pairings: Jane Foster/Thor, Steve Rogers & Thor, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

As he and Sam prepare to begin searching for Bucky, Steve gets various offers of help—some more unexpected than others.

Purpose

Tony Stark wins the fight in Siberia completely by accident.

Steve Rogers does not resist his arrest as he is taken to the Raft.

Sam Wilson, T'Challa, and Pepper Potts pick up the pieces.

Full of Wounds and Still Standing on my Feet

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Wanda Maximoff

The five times Steve looked out for Wanda, and one time Wanda decided someone needed to look out for Steve.

Three Awakenings

The first three times that Steve Rogers woke up during his first twenty-four hours in the twenty-first century.

Making Your Own Future

Characters: Steve Rogers, Diana Prince, Steve Trevor Five times -- plus one -- that Diana Prince and Steve Rogers encountered one another.

Better Living Through Pizza

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

Steve takes some time off from soldiering and Avengering to get his head on straight, and Clint is assigned to keep an eye on him, because apparently SHIELD believes in the blind leading the blind. Steve really needs a hobby, since modern television shows baffle him, but Clint keeps bringing him DVDs and pizza.

Five Times Clint Barton Spoke with Steve Rogers about Growing Old and the One Time He Didn't.

Pairings: Clint Barton & Steve Rogers

When Steve Rogers reappeared from the past as an old man, there was a lot of catching up to do. Clint Barton made sure nobody got left behind.

Hammer's Totally Heavy-Handed and Incompetent Revenge

"So, at the end of IM2, Justin Hammer swears revenge on Pepper. He waits until Tony and Rhodey are halfway across the world to launch his attack.

Unfortunately for him, thanks to SHIELD, Iron Man and War Machine aren't the only superheroes in Pepper's rolladex. Steve thinks Pepper's just swell and doesn't take too kindly to somebody trying to hurt her."

Cue badass!Steve and competent!Pepper

Fan Mail

Steve starts getting his fan mail and receives an invitation to the prom. Written for a prompt at the Avengers kink meme. It was a great prompt, and so much fun to write and get feedback for!

Prom. Steve 'Grandpa Iceberg' Rogers at a 21st-century high school prom. "This isn't happening. This whole conversation is just an elaborate practical joke. Bruce really just has orders for widgets or something."

Bruce waved the printouts at him. "Fraid not. I don't really do practical jokes. Messing with other people's moods just seems. I don't know. Karmically unwise."

Mascot

Steve runs. People see Steve run. Steve gets adopted by the neighbourhood he runs through every week day morning. He finds this confusing. Tony finds it amusing.

Locks Not Replaced

Tony angsts back at Avengers' HQ, Ross is a bully and Steve makes sure he doesn't get away with it. In other words, there is much regret, a bit on the philosophy of locks, adventure and far too many Robin Hood metaphors.

woof

For a prompt on the avengers kinkmeme: "...something different happens when Steve gets Dr Erskine's serum plus the Vita ray treatment... Steve does get taller and stronger, but when the first full moon hits, he turns into a big friendly looking dog. Yes, he's a weredog, not a werewolf."

Mission: Baby

Pairings: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

The Asset finds himself in charge of the care of a small baby, but somehow he knows—he has to protect the baby from all harm, whatever the cost.

14 Tracks

Pairings: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Avengers Team 14 tracks from Steve's iPod and how they got on there.

Life Will Rattle Your Bones

Pairings: Erik Lehnsherr & Steve Rogers

Captain America and the Howling Commandos find Schmidt sooner than they thought... wait, what do you mean this is a *different* Schmidt?

In war-torn Germany, the paths of Steve Rogers and Erik Lehnsherr cross, part, and cross again.

come build me up

Pairings: Sharon Carter & Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

“Do you ever feel like -- like you joined up because you wanted to do good. You wanted to do the right thing but somewhere along the way, you just lost the whole fucking plot.”

“All of the time.”

Or: the one where Captain America and Agent 13 give long distance friendship a whirl.

Down in the Worn Out Place Again

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Wanda Maximoff

“You don't look a day over 85, Captain,” Wanda says.

Natasha smiles, just barely, and nudges Steve with her elbow. “She makes jokes now.”

(Post AoU, stories about friendship.)

Satellites

Characters: Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Nick Fury Pairings: Natasha Romanov & Steve Rogers, Minor Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov

In the immediate aftermath of SHIELD's collapse and Steve's plunge into the Potomac, Natasha considers her place in the world. Also the fact that Steve is depressing.

Timeless Classics

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Avengers Team Five An undetermined number of times (six, apparently) Steve unexpectedly got the reference (sort of), and one time everyone discovered something new together.

you just wait and see

Pairings: Rocket Raccoon & Steve Rogers

“Thor said you’re the captain.” Rogers says, his voice distant, sad smile growing into a sadder grin. “Tough job.”

The Small Hours

Pairings: Steve Rogers & T'Challa, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

"I'm not getting him back, am I." The words were flatly delivered – not a question so much as fatigued resignation. "We will do everything we can to help him," T'Challa quietly replied, but he wouldn't lie, not about this. Not to a fellow warrior he respected on and off the field of battle. "The possibility does exist, however, that the triggers are permanent."

The Man We All Remember From the Newsreels

Still getting used to the twenty-first century, Steve comforts himself with memories of long-gone friends. But Howard Stark, the man Steve remembers, is nothing like the man he sees in the newsreels.

we're all choir boys at best

Characters: Steve Rogers, Johnny Storm

You are totally getting laid tonight. "Please stop talking." You hijacked my brain first, this is totally not my fault.

Epistaxis

Steve doesn't worry the first time he gets a bloody nose that won't quit. But when it happens a second, third, fourth... He, and his teammates, start to get concerned.

You Close Your Eyes and the Glory Fades

His body isn’t his own, he knows that, knew before the procedure that everything would change. That was the easiest thing to wrap his head around, actually, the physical changes. He’s used to his body betraying him, so this is just another thing to learn his way around. But the colors of everything, even the sliver of blue sky he could see, craning his head at the tiny window, look different.

Looking For Answers (From The Great Beyond)

After the Battle of New York is over, and Loki and the tesseract are returned to Asgard, Steve takes a road trip across the country, and tries to figure out what he wants to do next.

Mourning the Future

Steve's ties to the past and the future are pretty tenuous, and the serum ensures he lives in an eternal present state of ever-youthful vigour. When an old war buddy gets handed his last marching orders, Steve has to wonder if everyone will eventually leave.

Riviera Life

Sam and Steve have been traversing Europe looking for Bucky. Not everyone is convinced it isn’t an open invitation road trip.

Voluntary Bros.

Characters: Steve Rogers, Johnny Storm

"Dude, you could be twins, they tested you before they defrosted you to see if you were a clone or something, or if he was a clone," Clint said.

"I want to talk to him, I think. I mean, a girl threw her latte at me last week for not calling her back and this dude felt me up at an art gallery yesterday," Steve said.

Two Brooklynites and One Big Apple

Pairings: Miles Morales & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers

“You did good out there today,” Captain America said, brushing a layer of detritus from his unfathomably broad shoulder. “I’ll see you around.”

“Not if I see you first,” replied Miles, fingergunning with one hand as he sent a web rope fwipping off into the distance with the other, catapulting himself away at tremendous speed.

... in which two superheroes battle with bad guys, embark on community art lessons, and a friendship forms along the way.

Battle Fatigue

Steve thought he was doing okay. Things weren't going great, but they were fine, manageable even, and then suddenly they weren't.

We Become New Yorkers (or: Five Times Steve Rogers Looked For Home, and One Time Home Found Him)

New York is a million cities at the same time. This is how Steve found his.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

In which Steve and Peter learn that the best way to get through a bad situation is together. And to avoid collapsing buildings. And that concussions are terrible, terrible things.

Leviticus 25

"You want to save Bucky Barnes? You are going to have to put your own house in order first because he is going to need a rock to cling to. You are not ready to be that rock for him. You owe it to him -- and more importantly, you owe it to yourself -- to figure things out, figure out how you can be happy in this time and place, whether or not Barnes is with you."

Strike

Sometimes the road to recovery involves bowling. Conveniently, so does the one to the Grand Canyon.

Conversation in Wakanda

“I have been told that you had the privilege to share a training session with some of our Dora Milaje,” T’Challa says. “May I ask how it went?”

“Well,” the Captain huffs. “There’s no polite way to say it: I had my ass handed to me. Repeatedly.”

He sounds and looks utterly delighted.

Contact Light

Everyone thought computers would be the thing that really blew Steve's mind about the 21st century. They were wrong. When he finds out that he missed the moon landing, it's the start of an ongoing obsession with space that maybe involves Neil deGrasse Tyson, Twitter, and Star Trek marathons.

Twenty-Two

“This is Lucky,” Clint said when a dog got between him and Natasha. Lucky’s vest was bright, like desert mornings and night explosions.

“Does he help?” Natasha asked.

Clint pressed his hands flat on the counter behind him. “He saved my life.”

Natasha looked at Steve, her expression fierce. Steve resisted the urge to yank down his sleeves. Instead, he dug his nails into the puckered skin on his forearms.

AKA An AU in which Steve is a veteran just trying to survive (or not).

Gray

Peter doesn't expect Steve to show up at his house one night when he gets home from school. He also doesn't expect to have a long conversation with him, and choose to be on his side instead.

We're Happy, Free, Confused, and Lonely at the Same Time.

"Tony isn't sure, but he *thinks* Steve Rogers is going to try and argue with him about not being a kid, while wrapped up in a fluffy blanket and plaid pyjama pants watching a Disney movie. Tony really hopes that is the case. The Captain America voice looses all affect when wrapped up in that blanket and Tony can't wait to inform him as such." - The one where Tony realises that Captain America and Steve Rogers are not the same person, and Steve is so much younger then he thought.

This Isn't A Love Song, This Isn't A Fable

Steve's not OK with people's perception of Captain America, no matter what he says or how much he pretends otherwise. It's like no one in this time period realizes that there's more to him than a spangly outfit. And yes, he's including the Avengers in that. ... or, the one where everything's all right, until it's not.

it's safe here in our new world

Post TWS. In which Natasha and Steve go shopping, have Thursday night movie nights, and learn that Natasha loves to platonically kiss Steve. Which is good, because Steve loves being platonically kissed by Natasha.

Shadowboxing

Pairings: Matt Murdock & Steve Rogers

It doesn’t matter how many times you fall – what matters most is how many times you get back up. Steve Rogers knew this lesson far too well and it was one Matt Murdock had endured all his life. With both men at their lowest, could a chance friendship bring each of them to their feet again?

Everybody Eats When They Come to My House

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

“You’ll ruin your dinner,” Sam says, gesturing with Steve with his spatula.

i fear for the calendar; its days are numbered

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

Before she goes off the grid, Natasha gives Steve her phone number. He’s honored that he’s the only one to be trusted with it, but quickly learns that she spends most of her free time texting him Dad jokes.

Status Quo Ante

Pairings: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers

A tale in which Sam suspects he should be used to this by now, for values of 'this' that involve certain folks he hangs out with and situations he finds himself in, Team Cap becomes Team Ex-Cap becomes TBD, and nobody but Clint really wants to know what happened to Scott Lang's GI Joes. (Sam Wilson from the final scene to the mid-credits scene.)

The Glass Parade

Pairings: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov

Steve thinks that he’s seen Natasha be at least three different people in the short time he’s known her, and he isn’t sure which one is real.

In which the most confusing part of the future is how much Steve has in common with Natasha, and the fact that she seems dead-set on being his friend.

Still Life

Steve Rogers and a very modern form of art therapy. (The one where Steve draws himself out of despair and into some notoriety when his cartoons hit the internet, but he's still not allowed to look at Tumblr without an okay from Pepper.)

Selective Service

The serum's given Steve a lot, but it hasn't taken anything away from him. Not even the things he never wanted in the first place.

I'm a Hustler, Baby

Steve Rogers has a talent for pool--and for making others believe he's terrible at it.

The Healing Properties of Felt-Tip Pens

Rapid healing has worked wonders on Steve Rogers' body, but occasionally it really screws with his head. In the aftermath of torture, Bruce Banner helps Steve to reconcile mind and body.

If I Die Before I Wake

It's his job, as their leader, to endure the sadistic focus of their captor, and that is the one thought that carries Steve through.

Even Gods Do

Captain America doesn't have a good relationship with sleep anymore. Also, he's not a toy.

Under My Skin

Written for a prompt on avengerkink: I want to see something where, for whatever reason, Steve's accelerated healing turns out to be a bad thing. Something where the faster healing is making things worse. I would prefer something other than the standard, super-healing allows for more torture without death. “He's lucky – to have the serum, to have you all.” Tony wasn't sure about that first part. When one faced death and destruction every day on the job, there were many advantages to having a healing factor...and a great many disadvantages as well.

A Glossary of the 21st Century

Pairings: pre-Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov

Steve's sick of not understanding what's going on, and the team are not all that helpful, so he starts keeping an illustrated notebook for further research. With the help of wiki, google and Logan he starts to settle in and find his place in the twenty-first century.

Blanket Gift Policy

“You didn’t,” Bucky said, with no real hope of being contradicted. Clint shrugged helplessly and passed him the large, soft bundle wrapped in shiny purple foil.

“Sorry.” Tony covered his eyes with one hand.

“I’m getting a migraine.”

“So,” Bruce said wearily, “counting Clint, me, Bucky, Tony, and Sam, that brings it up to five.”

“Excuse you, mine’s not a blanket,” Sam said. “Mine’s a slanket. Big difference.”

Bucky resisted the urge to throw the whole heap of parcels at Sam’s head. “Because it has sleeves? It’s still a blanket, Wilson. They’re all blankets. Even Thor’s direct-from-Asgard raven gift delivery was a cloak, which just means it’s a blanket with a strap. We all got Steve a goddamn blanket.”

One Tin Soldier

Written for a prompt at avengerkink: Because really, under any other circumstances, why would they follow him when he's some guy who's younger than the rest of them (time as a Capsicle aside), who goes around wearing that spangly outfit, who's not even used to the modern world? Why Steve Rogers, rather than a Norse god or the CEO of Stark Industries or anyone else?

“Love is for children,” she'd said, but respect knew no such bounds. The five times the Avengers accepted Steve as their leader, and the one time they followed without question.

and if there's life we'll see it

Steve is instantly taken with this idea of having the picture of the person calling you flash on your screen when they ring your cell.

Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask (Before Assisting Others)

Steve keeps going, because they need him. Being Captain America - having the serum - is a responsibility and a privilege he takes seriously, and he won't waste it by sitting around resting in the middle of a crisis. But then the work is over, and the original victims of the crisis aren't the only ones needing looking after.

Way of the Eagle

Clint introduces Steve to kung-fu movies. Things escalate quickly.

Walking Wounded

In the aftermath of the battle against the Chitauri, Steve's doing just fine. Until he's not. Fortunately, Thor is a perfect mother-hen, Tony makes decent back-up, JARVIS is a genius, and Soap Operas are life-changing. (Or, Post-Shawarma Feels.)

[dayseternal-blog]

Hi days! I know you're the best person to go to for some NH fic recommendations. Can you share with us really angsty NH fics? I've read White Lillies, that amount of angst is revitalizing I LOVE IT!!! big thanks!!!

HELLO

For how fluffy NaruHina is, there SURE ARE A LOT of shippers who LOVE NARUHINA ANGST.  I’ve been asked for angst recs far more than any other type????

I will now compile every angst fic rec I’ve ever made into one long list.  (folks can see if there’s anything I’ve missed 🤓)

NARUHINA ANGST

“A Place In The Sun” by ihaveastorminme - Rated M for smut and depictions of violence, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto realizes that he’s not enough to love her.  He’s not enough to save her, either.

“A Fate Worse than Death” by Caelestia - Rated M for smut, ABO Canon-Divergent, One-shot.  Naruto, improperly socialized and traumatized as a child, rejects his inner Alpha, which has devastating consequences on his family and marriage.  “A Risky Bet” is its fluffier follow-up.

“Girl No 10″ by meeiwen - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto makes a mistake with a dancer one drunk night.  Years later when he meets her again, he begins realizing his perfect life is a lie, but he’s too late to fix it. Angst if you want to know what dying feels like warning.

“if this is love (why does it hurt?)” by ClairvoyantDreamer1011 - Rated M, Friends with benefits Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Hinata knew many things about Naruto Uzumaki. She knew that his heated glances meant ‘I want you’; that lingering touches whispered 'please’, and that the sight of his back to her screamed 'leave’. But she couldn’t tell you what they were to each other for the life of her.

“If You Said You Loved Me” by destiny’s sweet melody - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot.  Naruto begins to realize he took her feelings for granted and now he’s too late.

“The Ring that Binds” by softwind - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto and Hinata are married.  So why is Naruto calling “Sakura” in his sleep?

“Why would innocent little Hinata be out dressed like that?” (One-shot) and its follow-up “On Any Given Day” (Long One-Shot) by @utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent. Hinata tries to move on from Naruto, right when he realizes he wants to keep her.

“For the Future” by @utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata understands this better than anyone else. Naruto is easy to love.  (I actually just hate the ending a lot.  That’s what puts this on the list).

“Gilded Butterflies” by Kid Crisis - Rated M for depictions of violence, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Tenshi, beautiful prostitute of the Villa, realized from a very young age that people seem to do nothing but empty her, and not even Naruto seems capable of convincing her otherwise.

“Serenity Prayer” by @katarinahime - Rated M for smut, substance abuse, PTSD, and depictions of domestic violence and non-con, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. When their fairytale endings smash to ugly pieces, Hinata and Naruto help put each other back together.

“Common Side Effects” (Naruto’s POV) by @katarinahime & “Medicated” (Hinata’s POV) by @szajnie - Rated E for smut, substance abuse, mental illness, and depictions of violence, self-harm, and attempted suicide, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

“In Another Life” by theGeneralissimo - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. In which Naruto listens to his mother’s advice and marries a girl like her. And lives to regret it.

“Mistake” by Cherry1315 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto falls apart, and, unfortunately, Hinata has to pick up the pieces.

“Until the Day I Love” by BluBlooThalassophile - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Everyone is recovering from the war.

“Hidden From Sunlight” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. How different could Naruto’s life be when the girl that seemed 'barely around’ is truly hardly around at all?

“Powerless” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated M for depictions of violence and character death, Mystery/Crime High School/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. His family’s past can’t be taken at face-value, and it comes clawing back to hurt him in ways that are out of his control. DELETED FIC.

“21 Days” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated E includes dub-con, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Anonymous internet friends decide to meet up IRL and give each other their first times.

“April - Too Late/Missed Opportunities” from “Still Falling for You” by @chloelapomme - Rated T, College/Modern AU, One-shot. After her 3 years away for college, Naruto decides to confess.

“June - Honor/Sacrifice” from “Still Falling for You” by @chloelapomme - Rated T, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto marries Hinata, the girl of his dreams.  If only she loved him back.

“you totally almost killed me that one time (it’s okay I still love you)” by @itachiboutit - Rated G, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  Naruto, a promising baseball player, returns to Konoha Prep, and, without so much as even a “long time no see,” hits a ball into Hinata’s face. (This isn’t really angsty…but I get really upset in Ch. 4 and cry a lot every time.)

“Because I Love You” aka “Arranged Marriage AU Take 2″ (Same fic) by @magmawrites - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. A canon divergent fic in which The Last never happened and Hinata Hyuga was promised to another.

“Asylum AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M, Modern AU, One-shot. What’s to say what’s real and what isn’t? The only thing that’s valid and true in all universes is their love for one another.

“Dreaming of AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M for implied suicide, Modern AU, One-shot. Naruto dreams of her. He grows to love her. Dreams are nice. Too bad reality is a nightmare. (Most likely a continuation of the Asylum AU.)

“Memory Loss AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. I LOVE YOU. Will I ever hear those words from your lips again?

“The Path We Walk” by @tenney-shoes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. With his memory of the past five years missing, Naruto never expected to be married to Hinata, and now he must navigate through the maze that is their life together with no memory of how he got there.

“Easier For Me” by @tenney-shoes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Two-shot, Complete. How will Hinata handle waking up with no memory of how she got there?

“My Escape” by @marimare-writes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto wakes up from a coma with no recollection of life after graduating the Academy. Hinata, anxious and with a secret that will change both of their lives, struggles with what to do.

“Consolation Prize: Through Her Distorted Mirror” by mysterious intentions - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Her love is taken lightly, as if her heart could change so easily.

“Good Luck” By LovelyLori - Rated T, Flowers/Ballet AU, Two-Shot, Complete. A Japanese ballet company arrives in Naruto’s town.  Can love transcend language barriers? (I spent HOURS looking for this one, it totally breaks my heart.)

“On the outside looking in” by @char-lotteral - Rated E for smut, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto’s in love with his best friend’s girlfriend fiancee.  And he’s not moving on.

“Sincerely, Uzumaki Naruto” by @bkgsbby​ - Rated T, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. After his wife leaves him a week after giving birth to their son, Naruto moves back to Konoha. He adjusts to life as a single father, with the help of his friends and surprisingly, his old crush.

“Road to Redemption” by averagejane497 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto’s made a lot of mistakes in his life, especially concerning the women he loves. Maybe this time he can get it right.

“You’re the One” by AnimeloverNUMBA100 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. After 4 desperate years, Hinata finally asked Naruto out. He decides to give her a chance, but his feelings for Sakura has never faded. Hinata is slowly losing hope as time goes on…and she soon chooses to leave him.

Untitled by @randomprose - Rated G, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. Prompt: Hinata finds out that Naruto told Minato that Sakura is his girlfriend.

“Jitters” by ncfan - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. He has her heart but he doesn’t even know it.

“The Red Umbrella” by ncfan - Rated G, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. As the rain hits her, Hinata thinks about what she doesn’t have, and what she’ll never have now.

“Duplicity” by GoldKing - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Uzumaki Sakura wants to know why Hinata’s children are blond.

“My Favorite Night” by @peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Hinata harbors deeper feelings for Naruto after three years of being his roommate. When he starts dating Sakura, Hinata decides it’s in her heart’s best interest to turn the other way, and leaves Naruto for good with a heart-breaking secret in tow.

“The Loving Type” by @peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. A few years have passed since the Fourth Shinobi War, in which…Rookie Nine steadily advances in rank. Naruto gets engaged. Hinata leaves Konoha. And Kakashi schemes for days.

“Blurred Lines” by @vegebulsoup - Rated E, Police / Cops and Robbers Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Detective Naruto Uzumaki is having a hard time staying focused at work due to an elusive, dark-haired beauty.  (Starts off fun and smutty, grows angsty).

“I want you to cry” and its sequel “Road of Tears” by Devahhole - Rated E for graphic murder, dub-con/non-con, and smut, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. A sociopath blinded by revenge runs into his greatest opponent.

“Absolute” by @ssa25 - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. She was his kind, shy and innocent friend. Until she wasn’t. He was her pure, beautiful and unrequited love. Until he wasn’t.

I’m very glad that you enjoyed my “White Lilies” fic!!  Here’s everything I could think of for you to cry or stress out over.

SAD READING 😢

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Severus Snape being an awesome teacher and human being

Au Volant - Elsa & Emilie

He makes sure to let students work on their own when they brew Amortentia. They only have to pass in a list of things they smell and he draws little smiley faces on them because he knows a lot of kids are very insecure about their feelings. (Once a kid passed in a list that just said, I’m sorry Professor but it doesn’t smell like anything, and on their paper Severus drew an ace and aro flag and a time for the student to be at Mcgonogall’s office that weekend for tea, along with a smiley face and an O grade.) (The student was Newt.) (Hailee’s just read, People are gross and if I fall in love with one I want you to kill me, to which Severus responded, Valid, and drew her a picture of a turtle.)

He makes fake batches of Felix Felicis and gives one to every student secretly before their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s so they feel extra confident going into the test but aren’t actually cheating.

He knows his area is Potions, but he teaches defense spells to students who come after class or report bullying anonymously. Severus Snape does not fucking stand for bullying in his classroom or outside of it. If you dare to pick on one of his students, he will burn you so hard with his mere words that you will wish you were dead. Do not fuck with Severus Snape’s kids.

On parent-teacher day, he drinks different batches of Polyjuice Potion to imitate certain students, all of whom hide away in their dorms after drinking a fine batch of invisibility potion. He then follows these select parents around and endures their horrifying, demeaning remarks about their “failure of a child” so his students don’t have to. He makes sure to give these students glowing praises to their parents when it’s his turn to offer feedback (after making up an excuse to go to the bathroom as the student), and takes mental notes of the parents’ most prominent criticisms so he can be sure to compliment those parts of his students during their next assignments (and also just because).

He brews sleeping potions for students he knows stay up all night studying and sometimes slips it into their drinks if they refuse to take it willingly. He then gives them back their (usually almost flawless) tests with the note that if they want a full O they need to sleep more.

He invites kids he knows don’t have many friends to have dinner and lunch and breakfast in his classroom whenever they’d like. He tries to make friends with some of them too, hoping to make their lives a little less lonely than his was.

He keeps an eye out for abusive home situations. He does his best to come up with excuses for those unfortunate students to stay at Hogwarts over breaks or to visit often over the summer. He tries to find them friends that will help them the way James helped Sirius and Regulus, and speaks to Mcgonogall about opening a home for these kids on campus. He does his best to be the parent he knows these kids don’t have, and is open about his own horrid past in hopes of getting some of them to fess up so he can help them better than he can without hearing it explicitly from their mouths.

He uses his Pensieve to collect happy memories of and for his students to reflect on when they need to and they sit in the corner of his classroom. (Among them are his wedding day to James and Lily, the day Harry was born, a couple playdates with the other Marauder children, Sirius and Remus’ wedding day, studying with Remus, pranking James with Sirius, Sirius and James asleep cuddled together with Remus on the couch in ugly Christmas sweaters, his son and many nieces and nephews playing dress-up, reading with Hermione and exploring with Luna and Newt, dancing with Draco (he likes to dance but was always ashamed to do it at the Malfoys), going on long drives with Regulus, the Blacks’ funeral (Regulus and Sirius performed a very gay stripper dance on top of their graves, it was beautiful), and many, many more.) Sometimes he can see his saddest students watching them and smiling, and their sad eyes twinkling make him smile.

He brings in a box of small kittens, puppies, and bunnies one day and lets them wander around the classroom. Some kids start crying because they haven’t felt this loved in years. After an incident with a bad potion and a rainbow puppy, he stops bringing them all out during class, but they’re there on the weekends and whenever a student needs to hug one (or borrow one, much to Mcgonogall’s chagrin).

He works to break down House biases and help students develop inter-House relationships and friendships. He wants every student to be proud of their House and not to treat anyone differently because of theirs. He creates (with Dumbledore, Sirius, and Regulus’ help) an annual House Pride, in which every student dresses up in their House colors and has their nails and skin painted and everyone is smiling and laughing and waving flags with their House emblems in the air. Even the teachers get in on it.

He stresses the importance of friendships, communication, and choices. He urges students not to make his mistakes by treating their friends well, talking about their feelings even if they’re ugly, and making the right choices in life for you and your loved ones, even if those choices are hard. He invites Lily in to talk about this too sometimes.

He sends out his Patronus every night to wander around the school. Often it comes back to him with nothing, but sometimes he can hear a student crying through it. He’ll instruct his doe to sit with the student until he gets there, and then he’ll walk around the castle, pretending to “accidentally” happen upon the crying student. He’ll sit with them until they’ve calmed down and listen if they want to talk and then take them to their dorm, bidding them goodnight and get well soon.

He gives students hugs when they want them. He didn’t want to originally, but Harry would greet him every class with a hug, and then one day Draco came in crying and attached himself to Severus like a sloth, so he patted him on the back and continued to hug him. Not long after, Hermione couldn’t figure out a potion and burst into tears out of frustration, turning and burying herself in his chest. After Luna wrapped her stick arms around his neck for no reason, Severus just accepted his fate and let his students hug him.

A lot of first years get scared in the hallways, since the staircases move and everywhere is incredibly crowded and they are oh so very small. Severus will often hold the hand of the most anxious ones for the first few weeks and walk them to class. Eventually they become more confident with the castle and themselves and stop needing it, but the occasional sixth year will slip their hand into his just because sometimes.

He walks around campus with students sometimes. He can tell when they’re nervous or sad or angry and he takes them on walks around the outskirts of campus and lets them vent. He also teaches them how to throw curses at the Whomping Willow just because (it’s for Remus but nobody’s gonna say it out loud).

He teaches students how to walk dramatically (as he should). He puts on student drag shows in the Great Hall with James’ help (who always kisses him way too enthusiastically because of it) and Dumbledore’s permission (so long as he gets to be the finale). The students work with Sirius on their drag looks and Sirius and Remus both join in the drag show for the opening act. Sirius’ job is to design and create the students’ looks while Remus tells them they look pretty and tames their stage fright. Severus just sits in the audience smirking while Lily screams in delight. (Regulus also shrieks with excitement eventually, though he does usually spend the first half trying to look disinterested.) (Peter’s job is to get the cookies and sweets (and underage alcohol).)

He turns into his snake Animagus form sometimes without warning when his students aren’t looking and just slithers around the classroom scaring the crap out of people. His favorite students are the ones brave enough to pet him. Harry and Newt are the only ones brave enough (and allowed) to wind him around their shoulders. Severus and Harry sometimes have conversations in Parseltongue.

He invents spells to help with dyslexia and other learning disabilities in his spare time. When he’s done with that he plans to try looking into some cures to mental illness. He’s thinking possibly a potion that treats PTSD by replacing traumatic memories with pictures of puppies, unicorns, bunnies, cats, and parrots. What do you think?

He tries hard to come up with solutions and modifications to his lessons for students with ADHD. He often talks to James about what the best steps to take are because James has ADHD. (So does Sirius, but his insecurities are bad enough that he won’t talk about it with anyone but Remus and James.)

He plays the violin sometimes during tests and uses Sonorus to make it echo throughout the classroom. Occasionally he cancels class and just plays until most of his students fall asleep. Those who want to work on extra work can, but he tries to keep their stress and general teenage angst to a minimum. (Though he encourages the emo phase.)

One of the first things he does after the Prank is get to work on a lycanthropy solution for Remus. After a couple years he invents the wolfsbane potion, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. Eventually he manages to figure out the cure, and when Remus finds out he cries so hard he can’t breathe right for days. (Sirius also cries. So does James. And Peter. And Lily and Regulus and Mcgonogall. Seriously, everyone cried and everyone hugged him and Severus tried to get away by transforming into his snake form but toddler Harry just grabbed him and refused to let go, so that didn’t work.) (He also helps Remus become a wolf Animagus when he asks almost a year later.)

He teaches certain kids Occlumency and Legilimency after school. It’s strictly for kids he knows come from abusive homes, whether they’re open about it or not, so they can tell when it’s going to be a bad night and get away or protect themselves. He teaches Occlumency for those who need to hide things from their parents (like Sirius and Regulus used to) and Legilimency to all, just in case. He focuses on stealth and untraceable versions of the craft to earn the kids as much time and protection as he can.

He figures out how to remove the Dark Mark from his own arm after the war. The next person he calls is Regulus, whose he also removes. He writes down the entire process and when the war starts up again, he keeps an eye out for students suddenly wearing long sleeves. He speaks with those he does find and helps them to make the right choice and join the right side of the war, starting with removing that horrid tattoo. (Draco bawls uncontrollably when Severus removes his.)

When they do the lesson on Veritaserum, he’s extra careful to make sure students don’t test it, especially on themselves or their friends. It, along with Amortentia, is the most guarded potion in his stash. The only times he uses it is when a student from an abusive home is too scared to tell him what’s going on, in which case he finds them somewhere private, asks them if they’d be okay with it and if so which teacher they want to be there to ask the questions (usually Remus, Sirius, or himself), and then administers the potion and leaves or begins to ask yes or no questions. It’s helped a lot of kids escape their families.

He tries to ease trepidations about himself early in the school year, since he’s aware he can be intimidating and the rampant stories regarding his time under Voldemort (though entirely as a spy) do not help. His friendships with Remus and Sirius often serve to alleviate students’ fears though, as they tend to tell embarrassing stories about him from their own Hogwarts days that make him seem more human (and make him want to strangle them, but that’s neither here nor there).

Every year, he works with Remus and Lily to arrange Muggleborn Pride. It’s an incredibly popular event with tons of Muggle inventions and artifacts floating through the air over students’ heads. At any time they can reach up and pull one down to study it. Many students dress as their favorite Muggle icons and characters. Because of this, Muggleborn students are more comfortable being who they are than ever before. (Some have even reclaimed the word Mudblood by setting up mud pits during their Pride.) (They also have more Slytherin Muggleborns now than any other time in recorded history.)

He tells Regulus’ story to every class of students, to teach them what true bravery is and how love and family, even if not blood, can change the course of history. Regulus survived his encounter with the Horcruxes and worked to destroy them and eventually Voldemort, but now lives away from the public eye in a secluded part of Muggle London. He and Severus are friends and visit often, and Regulus will occasionally come back to Hogwarts to say hello to his brother and mum (Remus), but for the most part he keeps his life intensely private. He allows his family to tell his story because he wants other kids to know they are not alone and that there is a way out, and that you are not a bad person for things you did in your childhood. Severus does his best to do it justice.

He has incredibly loud arguments with Dumbledore until he finally agrees to implement sex ed as a mandatory class at Hogwarts. Severus works with the other Marauders on the curriculum and they try to include multiple angles and identities in their lesson plan. At first they try to trust Remus with it, but Remus doesn’t go anywhere without Sirius who is less than tactful and Remus himself has some deadpan sarcasm and a lack of shame to rival James Potter’s, so. They try Lily. She can’t stop giggling. Finally they beg Regulus to come back and teach it. He’s surprisingly… perfect for the job. (He steals parenting books from Amir, that’s his secret.)

When James visits, everything becomes chaos for a bit. While he mostly hangs out with Sirius and Remus and causes trouble with them, he certainly seems to enjoy sitting in the back of Severus’ classroom and bothering him during lessons. The only way to get him to leave is to turn into a snake and wind himself around his shoulders, which makes James shriek and sputter and run away (James has always had an irrational fear of snakes; odd that he married one then, innit?). But when James isn’t causing chaos, he’s following Severus around adoringly and grabbing at his hand, whispering jokes in his ear and kissing his cheek. Despite all of the times he’s a pain in the ass, there are always these little moments that remind Severus why he fell in love with him in the first place (entirely unwillingly and with much stubborn pride on both ends, but, well. It is what it is and they got here eventually, so that’s all that matters).

When Lily visits, everything is calm. She reigns all of the Marauders in and forces them to have picnics under the tree where they all used to do homework. She often holds Severus’ hand and dances with him there, turning his insides to useless goo. She’s always full of laughter and fairy bells, and though she makes every student question their priorities and life decisions, she’s a favorite of them all. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t pull him aside and say, “You’re a lucky, lucky man.” (Or, in James’ case: “Fuck, love, how’d we bloody manage that?” (Severus just shrugs. It’s not like he knows.))

He helps kids with autism feel more like they belong. He also works to educate non-autistic students how to better socialize and respect those who are, and takes extra care to dispel myths about autism and its causes, effects, and characteristics. Lily helps when she can.

Above all, Severus tries to give his students the education he never had. Anything he can provide for them he will. He’s been given a second chance and by Merlin is he going to bloody use it.

[saryasy]

It’s once again promotion Monday at @fuckyeahsambucky so I’m back with yet another list of sambucky fics that no one asked for.

The working title for this one is ‘Non-MCD fics that made me sob’ as in ANGST……with a happy ending

1. Warm by Attaining aka @samwontshare

T – 2,473

Summary: As the cookout wraps up, Bucky and Sam are alone on the docks. Old memories bring up old hurts and new confessions, but Bucky is there when Sam needs him.

(Or how Bucky talks Sam through a flashback of Riley. Bittersweet with a happy ending.)

Note: This is so stunningly written. The words were just shooting into my heart. It’s always nice to read Sam being comforted, and this fic handled it really well.

TW: PTSD, flashbacks

**

2. Let me be your A-Team by @glittercake

M – 13,862

Summary: They will love each other forever more, no matter what comes next. It's one for the books, he knows that in his ever-aging bones.

Note: you want the angst of a Major Character Death WITHOUT the Major Character Death? Look no further. I adore this one with all of my heart.

**

3. My Autumn Touch of Gold by prettylittlementirosa

E – 76,536

Summary: Sam seriously considers checking the ‘regretfully declines’ box. It’s not that he isn’t happy for Steve and T’Challa or that he doesn’t want to be there to see them get married. He’s just not sure he can handle seeing Bucky up close and in person, even after all this time. He wishes he was a better person. A more put-together person. A more over-it person, but. Well. It’s a Friday night and he’s at home drinking twelve-dollar wine by himself, staring at a little rectangle of fancy stock paper, trying to decide which tiny box he should scribble in.

Note: This was the angstiest (is that even a word?) shit I've ever read. Some tears here, ugly sobs there, and A LOT of screaming. Why do people do that to themselves? (I am people). I actually had to come back to the tags over and over again to make sure ‘Angst with a Happy Ending” was there. I had to make sure I was suffering for a reason. It was all worth it in the end. But I still avoid thinking about it too hard or else I’m gonna start crying again. Ok, I'll shut up now.

Ps. It’s the 4th installment in a series, the first 3 fics are quite short, and they explore their developing relationship. They’re worth the read before this one.

**

4. Almost Every Night by @burn-thatbridge

T – 3,136

Summary: It’s not a nightmare, so Sam isn’t exactly sure why he wakes. Maybe it’s that even asleep his brain knows something isn’t right; this can’t possibly be real, otherwise he would not be this happy.

Sam has a rough night. Bucky helps.

Note: this is pre-relationship, but Bucky comforting Sam after a dream? Can’t recommend it enough. The main focus is actually past Sam/Riley, but the grief, the pain, what could’ve been, ooof.

**

5. birds flying, but I'm still there by overnights

Not Rated – 45,103

Summary: “Shit,” Sam says, staring at the thin golden ring on his finger. He blinks quickly, like he’s pushing through it all: the hangover, the too-bright sunlight, the pure insanity of this moment. Bucky watches the dark curl of his eyelashes, staring for just a second too long.

Sam blinks again, then starts to laugh. “Shit. Well, I guess we’ll have to file for annulment.”

And maybe it’s the leftover buzz of the alcohol, or maybe it’s the way that Sam has started to feel like safety to him, but something makes Bucky blurt it out; he clears his throat and says, “Yeah, or we could just stay married.”

[Sam, Bucky, and a long road to peace.]

Note: this one explores the journey of Bucky falling in love with Sam (it’s Bucky centric). It was an emotional rollercoaster from start to finish. Kate Bishop and America Chavez make a very welcome appearance as the neighbors of married sambucky. Yup, there’s fake dating. And the ending was *chef’s kiss*

**

6. and here, my love, we linger – glittercake

M – 9,274

Summary: "You're an idiot," Sam says, suddenly very serious.

Bucky swallows and brings his hand up to trace along the hem of Sam's untucked shirt.

They're looking each other dead in the eye. So so close.

Sam's eyes flick up to Bucky's, and he says, "I haven't laughed like that since… Since he—"

"Since what, Sam," Bucky pleads. He wants to know this. He wants Sam to be okay again, to be able to talk about Riley.

But Sam never talks about Riley.

Note: where are my Sam/Riley lovers? This fic destroyed me in the best way possible. The concept itself is heartbreaking, and Bucky being there for Sam in his grief is just perfect. (Also oblivious!Bucky makes an appearance)

**

7. Favorite Worst Nightmare by stereobone

E – 16,422 - GDV

Summary: This is a dream, Sam realizes. I'm in Bucky's dream.

Note: I cried like a baby! The idea is interesting, and the dreams were really greatly written, and tangible. It was so cathartic.

**

8. When You're Ready, I'm Ready by Unclesteeb

Summary: “You ever think about getting help for real?” Sam asks, passing back the blunt. He normally wouldn't bring it up so soon into Bucky’s stay, but it's supposed to snow for like three days straight and that weed is good as shit. He figures Bucky's not going to run on him.

Bucky does make a face and eye Sam carefully as he hits the blunt again. “Why, so you can make an honest man out of me? Put a ring on my finger? Have 2.5 adopted children with me?”

M – 3,580

Note: this one is so sad and beautiful. It broke my heart into a billion pieces and twisted my gut. It touches quite heavily on addiction.

Ps, please check the tags carefully, there’s a lot of drug use, and the relationship between Sam and Bucky isn’t healthy.

[just-vibingfr]

Ok ok I want 23 13, and i forgot the number but it said like I’m sorry I’m such a burden so yea with jj maybank im a sucker for angst

Same! Like mood 25/8 is angst, angst, angst!

WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, suicide, self harm, close friends and family thinking you are a liar, ANGST ANGST ANGST, cursing, reader will be using They/Them pronouns.

A/N: I went really angst in this one, this will be all angst with no fluff, at all, like none. Please do not read if anything mentioned will trigger you. This is going to be one of the last OBX fics for a few weeks, I’m going to finish the other four requests I have then I will be writing some Harry Potter Marauders Era stuff! Thank you all for being so patient! I love you guys ❤️ 💕 Bold will be flashbacks!

ABDUCTED

Prompts- 13:God I wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you. 23:I was kidnapped, I was r@ped! 49: I-I-I’m sorry I’m such a burden

JJ POV:

Thirteen weeks. Thirteen fucking weeks. That’s how long it’s been since they went missing. God, all I can think about is our last conversation.

“I slept with her okay?! I cheated on you and I don’t regret it. At all. You have been nothing but a pain in my ass trying to fix me. Setting me in a path to what, redemption?! Well guess what it’s never gonna fucking happen because I’m a no good, dirty, pogue! My whole family has been doomed to live here, always poor, always a bunch of dead beat losers! I cant be fixed, this is my destiny, so go fuck yourself and you pathetic hopes and dreams and morals! Because none of us liked you anyways, we were only using you to help us grieve after we lost John B. He’s back now, so we don’t fucking need you okay?! I don’t need you! I never have and I never will!”, I ranted. I’m angry at my dad, angry at myself for cheating, angry at Rafe for getting away with everything, angry at Ward for being a bastard, angry at Y/N for making me fall in love with them. I am just so angry. I didn’t mean to take it out on them, but they were there. They’ve always been there even when I treated them like shit. That’s the problem, they were there. I don’t know what to do, I’m so used to pointless hook ups, empty relationships, and abusive behavior, that when someone puts me in a freaking pedestal like I’m actually worth something I flip. I have been looking down for the past five minutes. All I know is their muffled sobs, how their eyes are probably red rimmed and bloodshot, how they’re probably pulling on their wrists like they do when they’re stressed. If I look up I might just crack. “God I wish that you had thought this the before I went and fell in love with you!”, they screamed, letting out all of their emotions. “You said I was different, you said you saw a future together! You told me you fucking loves me! You fucking piece of shit! I hope you get everything you want in the sickest sense! I hope you remember me and feel nothing but pain and guilt! I’m done with you Maybank!”,Those words cut deeper than any blade or bullet could. Being told those venomous words by the person I love most in the world hurts, but I deserve it. I hurt them more than anything, I broke them.

But, now I see truth in their words. Every time I think of them all I can feel is pain, guilt, and remorse. It was all my fault.

Y/N POV

I stumbled through woods. Safety. That’s all I can think. Safety. Safety. I kept stumbling around going anywhere, anywhere as long as it’s away from fucking Jules. That’s what they would call my kidnapper and rapist, Jules. He earned that name because he would take a piece of jewelry off of every virgin he raped. Pathetic. My lower half ached, my mind fuzzy, my wrists scarred. Thirteen weeks, that’s how long I’ve been missing. Thirteen weeks or rape and abuse. Twelve weeks of self harm. I started slitting vanes on my ankles, and the back of my knees, to feel something. Something other than the pain he caused. Self inflicted pain was a way out, a way to still have freedom and independence. Sick and twisted, I know, but it was my way of rebellion. I started to break down crying in the middle of, woods?! It these woods are familiar and I can hear the sound of the ocean. Outer Banks… Outer Banks! Thank God! I’m home. I’m safer, I’m back. I kept stumbling around, my tears making it harder to see. Up ahead I saw what looked like porch lights. “Help! Help!”, I yelled out, although the dryness of my throat mad it extremely difficult.I sped up, basically running to reach a sense of haven. Once I arrived at the house I realized where I was. The Chateau. Anywhere but here. But I needed help, and I was lucky I even found my way here. I knocked on the door, actually I pounded on the door. I was desperate. I heard shuffling and then the door opened revealing a very disheveled Pope, Kiara, Sarah, John B, and JJ.

“Y/N?! How-What-! Just- just come in!” Pope said frantically .

“What happened?!”, Kiara and Sarah said in unison. The boys nodding their heads in agreement to the question.

“I-erm- I was kidnapped, I was raped. I was held in a where house with the other girls. This bitch named Jules was the one in charge. He would take turn with the girls. It was terrifying. I thought he was going to kill me once he saw me helping one of the girls with her miscarriage. I had already had three or four myself and a few of the girls actually gave birth in that where house. The youngest to have a baby was eleven. Eleven fucking years old. I just ran out of the door one day, I got shot. It’s been a few days, maybe five or six? All I know is that I had to burn the wound to stop the bleeding. And I feel really sick right now. I think I’m going to vomit.”, I said before passing out.

I woke up in a hospital bed. The lights burning my eyes. The sheets clean. Someone had bathed me and changed my clothes. I felt clean, it felt good. Everyone scrambled to get up at my sudden consciousness. Looking at me with that pity in their eyes. That pitiful look that made me regret telling them. I didn’t want their fucking pity, I just wanted them to know I have new boundaries, and as my friends they deserved to know. The doctor came rushing in, asking me to explain what happened. I explained everything, the trauma bringing ugly sobs. I didn’t care. I had just been through hell and back, I was allowed to shed some god damn tears.

I was discharged later that day when they had diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and self harm. Yay. Weeks went by with my friends checking up on me, never leaving my side: I loved them all for it, but I could see the look of boredom in their eyes, the look that said as soon as I was good enough to be on my own they would leave me to my own devices. It hurt, everything did. I didn’t deserve to put them through this, watching me fall apart. I didn’t deserve this. I needed to end the pain. I had to. And I needed to do it now. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, went to the nearest flat surface and began writing.

“ I’m sorry I’m such a burden. But thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for supporting me. I didn’t really get to know you before John B and Sarah, I see that I really missed out on some good people. Kie, you have been nothing but amazing to me. I can’t thank you enough. Pope, you are like a workers mix of older brother, younger brother, and dad. It always amazes me how you can be protective as fuck, need protecting, and are always prepared with that mind of yours. JJ, I’m sorry. Sorry that we ended things on such terrible terms. You deserve the world and I couldn’t give that to you, I truly apologize for holding you back. But you did break me that night, I was going to end it then, but I was abducted. Ironic how I’m ending it now. I love you all and wish you the best! “

Love, Y/N ❤️

I folded the letter and set it on the island with the pen. Then I crawled into the tub, slit my wrists, and let the darkness take over, sweet, safe, darkness.

@hannahnikohl

[zenrayne]

Learn presence for negative thoughts and emotions

This can be applied to any feeling. I’ve tried this with my anxiety, depression, dpdr (depersonalization/derealization), CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety attacks.

there’s always a reason as to why you feel the way you feel. Some event in your life made you where you would be seen by someone else as being “irrational” if something remotely related to that initial stressful event would happen again. So technically our body isn’t being irrational, but trying to protect us. Even though we understand at that irrational moment nothing is actually happening that should be making us be feeling this way—even if it’s ridiculous and isn’t connected to any type of event prior—it is still happening. The fact our body is reacting to it and is feeling overwhelmed we shouldn’t feel that we are being irrational but be gentle with ourselves like a parent soothes their child.

I’ve started validating how I was feeling and accepting that something triggered me even if I don’t know what it was and/or just an over exaggeration. Because If you tell yourself “I’m overreacting I’m just being irrational why can’t I just be calm like everyone else”, this completely gaslights yourself (denies your own reality). In essence our body freaks out more because instinctually this does feel like a reason to be anxious to our body. When I validate I accept that this is happening even if I think it’s wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling this. I validate and accept that this is how I’m feeling even if it’s from something small.

Then I dive into the feeling. This part feels very impossible to do if you’ve never done it before but trust me the fear of facing/feeling fully the fear is greater than actually feeling it. Over time the more we deny our feelings and thoughts, we become more and more disconnected with ourself. It becomes hard to enjoy life fully and numbs out a part of us we actually really need to pay attention to. Our negative emotion is a direct path to finding how to make us feel better. It’s like a symptom from a cold, you have to first accept that you have symptoms of an illness to then be able to diagnose and then treat that sickness. You have to first accept you are having this emotion to be able to find the root of the problem and to then come up with a plan to “fix” the problem.

When I first validated and dived into my anxiety I very quickly felt calmer. It was the first time I was ever actually present with myself and I’ve been having panic attacks since I was almost 5 from abuse. It took me awhile though so what I’m saying here is it isn’t easy at all. In fact if you believe you can’t do this by yourself do this with a therapist or a family member or friend that understands you and what you’re going through. When I first did it I had been crying and hyperventilating for over an hour then suddenly I remembered something I read about being present with yourself through hard moments. Then I just decided to try it, because what the hell I already am losing my shit why not try something different for once. So I validated myself and made myself open to feel whatever it was that felt like it was going to burst in my chest. I closed my eyes and I heard silence, my rushing thoughts had stopped, the room had stopped spinning, and I felt better.

Not every time does this happen. One time I did this and instead of feeling relief I actually felt the pain inside of me first. It was so painful! I have no idea how else to describe it but it was so much grief it felt like the pain of losing your soulmate and your family type of grief. When I opened myself up I allowed however much time I needed. So I felt this pain for 40+ minutes; just ugly sobbing on the floor in my kitchen. I was trying my best to let me handle this situation naturally without forcing myself to do anything or to feel anything. I just wanted to let my emotions flow through and out of me. At one point I naturally felt the urge to accept whatever upset me. I accepted that it happened and I decided to use the rain to grow and not to be drowned anymore by it. So .. I hugged myself. I hugged myself and kept saying “it’s okay. There is a reason why I’m feeling this and it’s okay. I’m here now with you (myself) I’m here. I’m not leaving this time.” I said this to myself 7x before I calmed down. A few times after this event I did the same method again but I didn’t have to cry so much to feel better. But another time after I had cried a bit more. Based on how big the situation is impacting you depends on how long you need to sit with yourself to do this process. I’m sure in my future I will have to sit with myself for days, months probably years before I can accept and let go so I can form a plan to move forward. And this is completely fine if you feel this is you.

So I learned that telling yourself you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, and think the way you think is the biggest form of self betrayal you could ever do. So with the example of anxiety: when I read a ton of times people saying facing your fears will help you overcome it I would get pissed off because obviously in my mind they didn’t understand anxiety especially anxiety disorders. What I learned though is that phrase can be looked at another way: it’s not always literally facing your fear physically, but facing the fear mentally.

For people with anxiety disorders it can take a couple to a whole bunch of times to get past that one fear. Which is why exposure therapy works so well for anxiety disorders: it’s the only time you ever have to purposely try to be in that moment with the fear, to be with yourself in that moment. Where overtime the fear gets less and less. Our body isn’t scared of the actual fear most of the time, it’s usually scared of what we think will be the outcome of that fear based on an experience or hearing something bad happening to someone else. It’s all in the mind and that’s the first place you should learn to be present with when all you want to do is run or disappear from whatever’s causing the anxiety. What’s the first thing a regular parent does when seeing their child upset? They sit with them. Then they tell them it’s okay to feel the way they do: giving them permission to feel. And then they give advice to move forward. This process should be done with every relationship we have with others and ourself.

All of this can be applied to any emotion good or bad. I say good because some people find it hard to accept happiness. The first step is to validate your feelings! Accept that this is happening and it was caused by something big or small or nothing at all and that’s fine. Working towards moving on would to be to be more open to future happiness.

You can take this model of validating, accepting, letting go/moving forward, and transform your entire life. being present with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions has to be done first and only then can you work forward to heal, grow, or let go.

My advice is to do this when you’re in a crisis and can’t reach any help. Do this when you have a very strong emotion that you find yourself to be pushing against. You can do this actually whenever you want. You can start off with small emotions and work your way up. For DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) do this whenever you want. DPDR is an intense form of disconnection that causes dissociation. Learning to be present with any emotion will help you to over time become more and more connected with yourself. If you find yourself really hesitant to do this, that’s perfectly fine. Just know that the more hesitant you are the more you know in the future you need to attempt this process. The more hesitant you are the more intense the emotion is from past self rejection: your body can become so disconnected from continuous self rejection that your subconscious doesn’t trust you to stay present and therefore will make it harder for you to access that part of yourself. This can be done by creating extreme fear and panic the closer you get to feeling. This can be done by blocking a memory you can’t access. Theres lots of ways your mind can block or distract you from reaching a memory or feeling that was too painful for your past self to handle. This is done out of protection for that part of you and for yourself as well, so both parts within you don’t have to confront whatever is causing your intense emotion. This is why I strongly suggest doing this under the guidance of a therapist whether in session or not.

☀️💛 Good luck stay safe beautiful angels 💛☀️

[elles-writing]

Flowers for a girl

A/N: This still comes back sometimes, so I thought why not to write it down, though I don't exactly remember some parts of it for some reason (is it ptsd? idk), but in Middle-Earth AU, Kili is little younger (12-13 in human years, in TH he'd be like 16-17 i guess. Reader is 10-11 years old) and it happens before TH events. It's something different than I usually write, because it's based off on my personal experiences, so...yeah.

I wanted to write it down mainly for myself, to accept my past. If this is happening to you, please seek for help!! Better be safe than sorry. If you'd needed to, my ask box and messages are open, if you need to talk.

Warnings/triggers: description of emotional and physical bullying, body shaming, very low self esteem of reader, hints of swearing, eating disorder thoughts, mention of catcalling

If any of these is triggering you, please don't read this story!! Even if there is fluff, there are still these.

"Look at that fatty," one of the boys laughed into her direction. Y/n felt tears swelling in her eyes.

Don't cry, don't cry.

"How much do you weight? I bet as much as a pig!"

"You are so ugly and fat!" The other one said and pushed her. Y/n tried to do anything, but she was too scared.

"No, give it back, that's mine!" She said, when the boys took her sketchbook.

"Look at those drawings, they're like so bad," one of them pointed at them.

"Give it to me back!" She tried to grab him, but he put his arm up.

Don't cry, please, don't cry, not now...

"Ah, then come and get it!" He runned away, and Elle tried to catch him, but he was quicker.

"Ha! You out of breath already, you ugly fat pig? C'mon, come for it!" Him and other boys laughed. Y/N tried to catch his shirt, but he was running and jumping around.

"Look at how she jumps, look at her! It's like pudding!" They laughed. Y/N felt tears to come up into her eyes.

Don't cry, not now, you can't...

"Look, she's gonna cry!" You looked away, blinking furiously.

You can't cry in front of them.

"Leave her alone!" A voice came from behind the boys. They all looked back at him.

Y/N couldn't see him, she was shorter than them, and they were around her in a circle.

"Or what?" Said one.

"Look, the fatty got a boyfriend, eww!" One of the boys, and Y/N wanted to hide somewhere. She felt scared, shameful, and embarrassed.

Who would have ever loved her?

"Look, she's not speaking," they pushed her and Elle let out a surprised gasp as she fell to the ground.

"I'm saying it again, leave her alone," the other boy said. She looked around, and noticed him looking at her. She blushed, and looked away. He was handsome.

She knew she will hear about it later.

"Or what? What are you?"

"I'm Kili, from the line of Durin, and I would suggest you to get out, if you don't want me to kill you," he growled out, and Y/N felt fear rising in her. Would he hurt her?

Kili pointed the tip of one of his daggers to the main boy's throat, who then quickly took his friends and went away. They even threw her her sketchbook back.

"Did they hurt you?" Kili asked, then looked down at her for the first time.

She refused to look at him at first, but then she did. She was scared, and reminded Kili of a bunny.

She could be around ten years old. She was a human, he guessed, based on her ears.

"No, I'm...I'm okay," Y/N whispered and looked away.

"Thank you," she muttered.

"What happened? Why did they followed you?" Y/N looked down in her lap.

"I was drawing and reading here. I think they seen me, and went after me...it's been my safe place," You whispered.

"I can stay with you, in case they would come back," Kili offered before he thought of it. At this point, he was sitting down next to her.

"I-I don't know. They would laugh at both of us..." she said quietly, fearing of a wave of laugh. Kili furrowed his brows.

"How long has this been happening to you?"

"For over a year..." you said.

"I'm Y/n," she said a little awkwardly.

"I'm Kili," Kili introduced himself, remembering how his mother taught him to introduce himself.

"So that's decided, I'm staying with you," he said, and muttered some curses in Khuzdul, as he thought about the group.

"H-here, take my coat. It's getting cold," he said. She smiled nervously.

"Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you anymore," He offered her a smile, and she decided to take his offer, though she hoped he won't comment on her warming up face, or her body. She liked him, he was not just handsome, but actually kind to her.

It has never happened to her ever before, with a guy, who was a stranger...

The coat was big on her (that was a huge relief) and she cuddled into it.

"So, what are we going to do now?"

"Well, I-" Y/N didn't finished her sentence, because the first drop fell on her head, and other quickly started following. She gasped and quickly put her belongings to her bag. As she finished, it was raining heavily now. Her hair was soaking wet, sticking to her head.

Now he will see how I'm ugly, and laugh at me and call me names, and- she wanted to cry. Kili noticed her expression.

"So they did hurt you? Where is it?" Y/n shook her head, as they walked in the heavy rain.

"N-no, I just...I hope the sketchbook didn't got wet," she decided for the safer version.

"But you got wet. Where do you live?"

"Well...around twenty minutes of walk," Y/N said, so if anything, he wouldn't try to find her, though she was kind. But just to be safe.

"I'll take you home with me, it's not that far," Kili offered, and you quickly turned to him. He was kind, but her parents warned her about going somewhere with strangers.

"I-I think it's okay, thank you for your offer,"

"You are going to get wet to bone if you keep walking," Kili said and Y/N looked at him, but quickly looked away. The rain sticked Kili's hair and clothes to his body, and she blushed.

He surely has a girlfriend, don't be stupid, she snapped at herself.

He would never want to be with you, you are a child, and he is older. And he is super kind and handsome.

"Alright, then...I will go with you," you said unsurely. She thought she would think of something, if anything would go wrong. Plus, he was a prince. Y/N doubted he would do anything like this, if he was a prince.

"Amad, I'm home!" Kili said as he closed the door behind him. Y/N curiously looked around. It was a nice small house, with the smell of bread hanging in the air.

"Come with me," Kili said, and as Y/N was about to make a step, she noticed the puddle, and how she was soaked.

Before Y/N knew it, she was sitting in clean dry clothes, borrowed from Kili, wrapped in sweater and a blanket, sipping on warm tea.

"Kili, who is this?" Dis asked her son quietly. Kili looked at the human girl.

"Well, some boys called her names, so I went there, and then started raining, so I told her to come with me, because she told me she lives futher away, and she was soaking wet already..." Dis nodded, though she eyed her son, if he wasn't hiding anything.

"Where do you live, dearie?" Dis asked the little girl, who shyly looked around.

"I live near that small forest, my family owns multiple fields, and we work there," she admitted to the woman, who introduced herself as Dis.

"Would you like to have anything else to eat?" She offered her. Y/N shook her head. She didn't wanted to embarrass herself, and look like all she could do was to eat.

"No, thank you for your offer," she smiled, and carefully sipped on her tea.

The rain stopped, and Dis went with the girl where she lived, to explain what happened, and make sure she was safe.

Kili didn't seen the girl for next couple days, but when he was on the hunt in the forests, he overheard a conversation.

"He was cute, brown eyes and he was kind to me," Smile stretched across his lips, as he recognized that voice. He wasn't considered as too attractive among his kin, but hearing this made his heart warm up.

"Blue eyes are prettier, aren't they?" a voice of another girl said. Y/N was quiet.

"Well, they just are. Brown eyes aren't that pretty," the girl said.

"Don't you think so?" She turned to Y/N.

"W-well, um, depends on a person, I think?" The other girl got up.

"They are prettier." Kili could clearly see how Y/N looked down, and she seemed to feel sad.

He walked away, with thoughts of Y/N in his head, when he suddenly overheard some voices in the distance.

"Do you think we will find the pig today?"

"Probably. Her and her ugly drawings."

"It's not just her drawings who is ugly," the boys laughed.

"Do you remember her? 'Don't do that,' and then she went and started swearing back at us,"

"We are going to get her back, don't worry. She's slow runner, what about if we would take her things and made her run around? She would lose some weight at least."

"Great idea," other boys said. Kili felt his blood boiling.

How dare they to talk about her this way?

As the boys walked along, Kili prepared to scare them a little, but then he overheard another things.

"The guy who protected her, he has horrible taste in girls."

"Yeah, what a jerk. And those eyes the small fat pig made on him," one of them widely opened his eyes and wildly started blinking. The other boys were laughing.

Kili gripped his bow. He didn't knew the girl too much, but nobody deserved to be treated this way.

His arrows found their target quickly. The boys stopped, and looked around. Kili noticed they were really afraid, and smirked to himself.

When he came back home with two rabbits, he decided to go look around again. The sun was still not setting, so he still had some time.

His thoughts took him far away, and he didn't noticed he stepped on something, that felt like a pencil. He looked down, and realized it was a few pencils, hidden in grass, and when he looked around, he noticed sketchbook, hidden in old willow. If he wouldn't know what to look for, or didn't had as swift eyes, he wouldn't ever notice it.

He took the sketchbook out. It was familiar, and though he felt a little guilty, his curiousity was stronger.

He noticed a few sketches of trees, flowers and attempts of drawing people. They all were made with precision. They were not as realistic, but that certainly didn't mean they were not nice. It was drawn by someone, who was still learning, but truly excited about it.

Kili put it back carefully, and got back home.

It's been a few weeks, when he met the girl again. He came home with Fili from sword training, and his eyes widened when he noticed Dis with Y/N, chatting in the kitchen.

"Hi," she greeted them shyly.

"We have first strawberries, so I thought I would bring some for you," she shyly looked at Kili.

-

"Stop it," you muttered. Kili rose his brow.

"Oh, what is it?" He looked her into face, and noticed her shy smile, while he was grinning.

"You made me obsessed with these strawberry cakes your grandma bakes, can I have another one?" He made puppy eyes. Y/N sighed.

"Fine. But don't distract me, okay?" Y/N handed him the sweet pastry, and Kili winked at her.

"You're the best," He kissed her cheek quicker, than he thought of it. They both deeply blushed.

"Um, thank you, I suppose," Y/N muttered, and looked back into her sketchbook.

Meantime, when Kili chewed on his cake, Fili came back from his and Kili's room, and started reading a book. He started laughing, and Kili quickly took a look what was his brother laughing about.

"C'me read this, Y/N, this is so funny!" He said, but his smile froze, as he noticed her ashamed expression.

"What happened, Bunnie?" He used the nickname he gave her, because she loved bunnies. Y/N sighed.

"Well, um...it's embarrassing," she whispered.

"Neither of us will laugh at you, I promise," Fili said, and the girl looked at both of them. She took a deep breath.

"Icannotread," she muttered, and quickly looked away.

"You can't...read?" Y/N nodded shamefuly.

"It's, um...the school is too far for me to go  alone there, so, um...yeah." The brothers shared a look, which Y/N took in different meaning. She felt tears in her eyes, but Fili was quick enough to notice.

"No, we won't laugh at you, Y/N!" He said and pulled the girl into a bear hug. Kili quickly joined.

"Yeah, Bunnie, don't worry. We would never laugh at you," Y/N relaxed in the hug.

"Thank you," she muttered, and hugged them back.

They spend rest of the day by teaching her how to read, and write. Soon after, Y/N started studying with the brothers.

-

"You are distracting me," Y/N muttered, as Kili was kicking his legs back and forth. It was summer - over four months after they met. Y/N sat up on the tree, and Kili was sitting down on branch a little lower.

"How can be that possible?" He looked at her innocently. Y/N blushed, when she seen his big brown eyes in sunlight. They were in shades of melted gold and caramel.

"The tree is shaking, and I want to enjoy reading this book without distractions."

"I'm not a distraction!" Kili pouted.

"You are," Y/N offered him a smile, and got back to her book. Kili pouted a little more.

"Will you read it to me, then?" Y/N looked at him, and dramatically sighed.

"Fine. But let's sit down on the ground," Kili got down, and then he carefully placed his hands around her waist, Y/N placed her hands on his shoulders for support, and he put her down.

Y/N sat down, her back leaning against the tree, and Kili placed his head on her lap. Y/N smoothed her skirt and placed her book next to her, so she could read it, while playing with Kili's hair.

Y/N was the only one allowed to touch Kili's hair, aside from Kili's family. She never understood why dwarves were such touchy about their hair, but again, she was the same way, so she fully respected it.

Kili fell asleep after a while, on the sound of her voice.

-

"You the last cake I said was mine!" Y/N growled out and Kili laughed, but he quickly stopped laughing.

After the months of spending time together, running around the fields and archery lessons, she got much stronger, so her punches had strength and would hurt. Kili and Fili would never hit or fight with a girl, and though Y/N became like another part of the family, only tickle fights were allowed with her.

"You-you Kili!" Y/N was more upset than angry, and Kili started laughing again, as he was jumping around and trying to get away from her punches.

"Stop, Bunnie," and tickled her.

"N-NO-T T-HAT P-PLAC-E, K-KI-LI!" Kili grinned.

"Awn, who is ticklish?"

"I ha-te you!" Y/N slid her hand across the back of his neck, and Kili let out a squeal.

"N-NOO!" You giggled as you started tickling him.

"Gotcha," You sticked out your tongue on him, and quickly runned away to hide, before he would get you back.

You runned, but didn't noticed when you bumped into someone.

"Aah, long time no see," a voice said, and you shivered.

"You squeled on us, huh? Is that everything you can do? You loser," the boy said. Y/N kept quiet, with her head down.

"Oh, look guys, she's going to cry! What are you gonna do? Run to your mommy, or your friends? Go on, you tettle-tale." Elle felt tears in her eyes, and quickly looked up.

"I'm not a tettle-tell, I-"

"That's what you say, and then you will go and tell your mommy about 'the big boys are bullying you'," they laughed. Elle wished she could hide somewhere, and try to cry. She wasn't able to cry, even when she was alone, as she learned to hide her tears.

Whoosh

And then a yelp from the boys.

Y/N looked up and noticed the arrow in one of the surrounding trees. It was Kili's arrow.

"You told someone to spy?! You will pay for this later," one of the boys said, and then another two arrows pierced through the air. The boys quickly walked away, leaving her alone.

Kili runned out from behind the trees, and pulled her close to his chest. He started saying something angrily in Khuzdul, and Y/N was sure those were swear words.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here," Kili whispered, when he finished his quick session of swear words. Y/N shook in his embrace.

"Let's go home," he said. They picked up his arrows, and went home.

Kili made Y/N tea and gave her his favourite sweater, which also happened to be her favourite as well.

When Y/N went to sleep, Kili checked her every few minutes. He felt guilty. He should've protected her better, stay with her.

He carefully sat to the edge of the bed, and slid his thumb softly over her cheek.

"I will make sure they get what they deserve," he muttered and softly caressed her cheek.

-

"Sure, I will go with Bella and Alia, you don't need to worry about me, I will be safe," Elle gave Kili a smile. Her two friends from her neighbourhood, with who she enjoyed to spend time too.

"I just don't want you to get hurt," he shrugged, and sharpened his dagger. Y/N started on brushing her hair.

"The boys won't do anything, if they meet us in a group. Plus Fili gave me that sharp dagger for my fourteenth birthday, I always keep in my shoe."

Kili looked at his friend, focused on brushing out the knots in her hair. Y/N grew up and changed the way she reacted to what other people told her. But that wasn't just what changed.

She grew up into a young woman. She was beautiful, and some girls were jealous of her because of it, but luckily, Y/N had great friends.

"You home, sleeping beauty?"

"Oh, of course I am!" Kili grinned as he heard Bella's voice.

"No, you are snoring beauty."

"That's Fili!"

"That's both of you," Y/N rolled her eyes, but chuckled. She and Kili said their goodbyes to each other, and her friends she knew for three and two years, turned to her.

"So, how was your date?" Y/N blushed.

"He gave me flowers for my birthday, so what? That's what friends do." Y/N turned to Alia to change the topic.

"How about you and girls?" The blonde rolled her eyes.

"Some of them are arrogant, but other than that it's good. But I have you, so I don't care," she grinned and hugged her friends around their shoulders.

"So, what do you-" Bella started, when a group of boys passed them. They whistled, and started talking about them. Y/N's cheeks blushed, as she overheard them.

"Don't listen to those idiots, they still share one brain cell," Bella and Y/N said at once, and they all laughed, though Y/N didn't felt any happiness. Her instinct to run and hide from these boys was still there.

-

And then we arrived to the market. I still looked around if they were not there, but luckily not, Y/N wrote down the sentence, and put the notebook aside. She felt happy they didn't recognized her, but it still stressed her out. She looked over to the bow and quier with arrows Kili gifted her, when she had thirteenth birthday.

"Trouble with sleeping?" Kili's raspy voice appeared behind her.

"Yeah," Y/N sighed out, and pat on the bed next to her.

"C'me here, snoring beauty," Kili chuckled at that nickname.

"Ugh, again?" You nodded with a grin.

As you laid in safety of Kili's arms (and him being soundly asleep), your mind turned into a specific direction. Would Kili like you? Not just as a friend, but...more?

You'd fall asleep like this, if you had bad dreams. Kili fell asleep first, and softly snored, but he looked cute while doing so. You shook your head, and decided to listen to his breath, and soon, you fell asleep yourself.

The memories of the times you used to be bullied by those boys came back. You didn't felt confident at all, and mostly sad. You couldn't fall asleep at night, and you often found yourself looking over your body. Fat pig, that's how they called her. Was she still...like this? Would she ever be pretty enough?

It's been a while, since she cried before sleep, and then fell asleep afterwards.

The brothers noticed something was going on, when their friend seemed to be bothered by something. So, they decided to do thing they always did, which was making flowercrowns together.

-

"You're messing it up, Fili," you giggled, when the blonde prince's flowercrown fell apart.

For fifth time in twenty minutes.

"Well, I'll go get some fresh flowers, over here," he pointed to the carpet of daisies in the golden light of setting sun.

"Guess who," Said smooth voice next to your ear, when his hands covered your face.

"Hmm, is that you, Ki?"

"Who else."

Kili sat in front of you, and placed a flowercrown on your head. You both stood up, and he twirled you around.

"I've got you something else," he whispered.

"Flowers," you looked happily over the small fresh bouquet of wild flowers, and felt warmth spreading in you. You looked into his chocolate eyes.

"Kili, thank you so much, it's...it's beautiful,"

"Not nearly as beautiful as you," he looked deeply into your eyes.

"Flowers for a girl," he said, with a slightly pink-tinted cheeks.

"Now finally braid her hair," the lion prince's voice interrupted the romantic scene.

[sideblogformindtrash]

CW: Deshumanization; pet/slave whump; reference to past trauma; ptsd/panic attack; Last time was fluff so now it’s angst.

Haru was organizing Master’s bookshelves as usual, trying to keep himself occupied. Master told him he didn’t have to do it but… He didn’t really knew what else to do when he wasn’t around. If he stopped for too long… His thoughts went to dark places.

Besides, now he could hum to himself while doing it. He… He hadn’t shown Master he could do it yet. He was a bit nervous about it. But it soothed him when he was by himself.

And as he placed a book on the shelves, something fell from inside of it. He reached to grab and… His humming stopped. He could not breathe. Getting up was hard.

His hands trembled as he tried to understand the paper. It… It was a folder for some kind of… Rehabilitation place… for… for pets.

…He couldn’t. Haru clutched the paper, falling to his knees, out of air. He held his chest, gasping just from the effort it took to breathe. Did… Did he do something wrong? W-was Master angry? I-it wanted to stay. It thought it was doing good! Master said it was doing good, always said that it was fine and… and seemed so patient! Was… was it really patience though? Or was it just indifference? Maybe Master never liked the pet, didn’t care enough to even punish it!

That had to be it. Master just didn’t care. It said that it was good just to not have to deal with the pet. But Master didn’t want it. How did it even think for a second that Master would like it? It was so ugly and broken and useless and scarred and it couldn’t do the ONE THING it was good for.

…But it was scared to leave. It was so so scared. What if the next Master just hurt him again? What if NO ONE wanted him? What would happen then? What else was there to him?

Pet felt tears falling through his face. It couldn’t let this happen. It struggled to breathe, struggled to get up, and started his tasks all over again. It would do it all again, would do it better. It would show Master that it wasn’t useless and could be good.

Pet even made a nice meal. There wasn’t ever much food on that house, but it made the best it could with what it could find. It even surprised itself with how nice it looked but he didn’t dare try. Master said it was fine for pet to eat but that was just because Master didn’t cared about having a well behaved pet.

So it waited. Master would find the house in pristine condition, food ready and the – bad, useless pet – kneeling and on its best behavior.

It shivered as the door opened, almost hugging the floor. Master placed some groceries on the table, and it was going to jump to help put them in place but… All his strength just… Just left it as Master approached and sat in front of it.

“…Hey there darling… Can you look at me?”

He hesitantly got his face up, meeting Master’s green, blank eyes…. And he… And it…. Misbehaved once again and jumped into Master’s arm, clutching him with all its strength as if that could somehow show Master that it was good. Stupid and pathetic. That’s what it was.

“Oh dear… What’s wrong?” Master didn’t push him away. It… it couldn’t answer. Couldn’t speak or think or breathe. Shaking, it hoped its pleading eyes were enough… But it knew they wouldn’t be.

“P-p-ple” …It was too hard. It hurt. Today, earlier, pet had been humming and lately, it had seemed easier and easier to use a bit of its voice but… But now it swallowed it all dry “p-plea…P…”

No advertences or punishments for speaking. Master didn’t care enough to punish it… Master reached for the notebook and tried to offer it to pet but… But it shook it’s head, it couldn’t stop clutching to Master. If it let go to use the notebook… the pet felt like it would never ever get hugged again. It would never feel any kind touch again. Never.

“P-pleas…” it spilled. It was the most it could manage… even though it had so much to say… Please don’t leave me please it can be better it can do more for Master it will be good won’t ever do any noise will do its tasks better and wont be annoying and-

Master held pet closer, leaving the notebook to the side. Calmly, Master pet its head, whispering ‘it’s okay, it’s okay’ under his breath. Pet couldn’t hold it anymore, and the tears came all at once.

…He cried until his head hurt, until his chest felt empty, and he felt numb. The sun went down, the kitchen got dark, stars appeared and Master patiently waited all this time, not once pushing him away.

Slowly he moved back, scared to look at Master, to face the situation. Master had held him for god knows how long, when he had much better things to do… So… he did care right? At least a little bit? There was… maybe a chance.

Master touched his face, cleaning away the leftovers of tears. He trembled, keeping his eyes down.

“Darling… You know you can tell me anything, right? I promise, I’ll try to help. I’ll keep you safe” Master said, a sad smile on his face.

But at this point he… He didn’t even knew what to say, where to begin. He felt empty, drained. He got the folded paper from a pocked and trembling, handed it to Master.

He squinted, trying to read it in the dark.

“Oh.” Master looked away “Where did you find this? I didn’t realize I still had it.”

Master drenched in his silence, eyes glazed and lost somewhere far away, grinding his teeth it seemed. But the silence was scary, he was waiting for something else, so he whimpered. Master looked back at him, snapping back into the real world.

“Ah…Are you… Are you scared of going there?” he pointed at the paper on the floor “Is… Is that it? I’m not going to send you away, dear. Not unless you want to go”

He sighed in relief, exhaustion washing over him, and shook his head, no. He didn’t want to go, he wanted to be good and stay with Master. Master nodded, pulling his own knees close, nails digging in his jeans.

“This folder… It’s… It’s not a bad place. It’s not supposed to be. They say they help people who went through the same things you did to go back to living normally… Like getting jobs, and not being so sad” Master took a deep breath, as if struggling to speak… A feeling Haru understood very well “Is just, when I first got you… I wasn’t expecting it. I can barely take care of myself, and having someone else here was scary and strange.”

Haru leaned in closer again, entangling his fingers on Master’s. Master stared away again… a tear forming in the corner of his eye, shining in moonlight.

“You deserve better than me. People who can really offer you the help you need. But… I couldn’t trust them. Every time I looked at you I saw myself. And I’ve been through so many places and met so many people saying that they wanted my good and they all failed me so bad that I… I couldn’t bear the thought of the same happening to you” the tear fell, running down Master’s cheek “And the longer you stayed… The more I didn’t want to let you go. And I don’t know anymore how much of it is my distrust of… Of everyone out there and how much is just me being selfish. I don’t want you to go and I don’t want to be alone again. You are the only light I’ve seen in years.”

Haru blinked away the remnants of his own tears, too tired to cry anymore, a hurt in his chest from seeing Master so sad. He tried to copy Master’s gesture of cleaning his tears, pulling Master’s face to look at him. Master smiled.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to… To take care of me dear. That’s my job isn’t it?” he chuckled “Listen… You have a home with me. It’s not perfect, it’s not… not all you need. Hopefully someday it will be. But… no matter how much time passes, what happens or where life takes us. I’ll always offer you shelter. If someday you feel ready to leave… it’s okay too. I’ll be here when you need somewhere to rest.”

He leans forward into Master, and is held, silence falling over them. They eat together in the darkness, without a word. The meal is cold now but... it really is good. And later, he doesn’t want to let go, so Master sleeps with him. He is too scared of the bed still, so Master lay with him on the floor, on the pile of warm blankets and pillows, where he feels warm, and safe and sheltered.

tagging: @whump-me-all-night-long @whumpzone @cupcakes-and-pain @twistedcaretaker 

[stargazing-enby]

Omg, my friend just told me her son and his ex are self isolating together so they can both spend time with their baby and his house is bigger and has a garden and omg DRARRY!!!!!

Nonnie, I hope you know this ask single-handedly defeated my writer’s block 😂 (thanks @april-thelightfury115 for betaing!)

Drarry | Teen and Up | 2.4k | Getting Back Together, Fluff, Dragon Pox Pandemic, PTSD nightmares, Unredeemed Lucius Malfoy, Happy Ending | Read on AO3

They Apparate to the gardens of Malfoy Manor on a gloomy Sunday morning. 

Harry barely has time to notice the way Draco’s flower garden waves at him with the soft morning breeze, or the sounds of the peacocks in the distance, or the dozen memories of this place that come back to mind at the sight of it all. Lily’s started crying in the pram, and Harry leans down—tries to soothe her, tells her they couldn’t have risked coming here by any other means. “You don’t want to have Dragon Pox, and I don’t either,” he murmurs, but, not understanding, Lily cries on.

It’s not until they arrive at the great doors of the Manor—until Draco walks out, and barely nods in Harry’s direction before picking up their daughter and holding her close—that she finally simmers down, head resting against his collarbone. 

And so what if Draco looks beautiful as he tells Lily he’s missed her; that he’s bought her the softest stuffed animal in the market, that he’s prepared a room for Dad to stay in with them during the quarantine? Of course he does, Harry tells himself. Draco is beautiful, at least in Harry’s eyes, and has been for a very long time. He probably always will. 

They walk in, and Draco charms Harry’s trunk to follow them as he leads him to the spare bedroom. He tells Harry their rooms are adjacent so they’re both close to Lily, no matter who she’s sleeping with. Harry thanks him, walks in, closes the door behind him with the excuse to unpack, and, thinking about how they haven’t looked one another in the eye yet, he tells himself that maybe things will turn out fine. 

And at first, they do. Harry and Draco take turns to take care of Lily. They watch telly together; Draco’s bought a new one since he and Harry broke up, and has apparently started watching reality shows. Just to laugh at the sheer stupidity of those kinds of people, he tells Harry matter-of-factly, but Harry can’t help but laugh at him, seeing right through it. Still, he sits by Draco’s side every night and watches them too, not wanting to think about the pandemic that’s turning their world around. He goes for long walks through the gardens in the mornings, comes back to Draco having cooked lunch. Takes care of dinner; reads, plays with Lily, Fire-calls his friends every day.

He tries so very hard not to think about the memories this place brings. Memories of Draco showing him the rooms of the manor that used to be his favourite when he was a kid; of Draco holding his hand, leading him to his secret childhood treehouse, and laughing at the look of awe on Harry’s face, their laughter turning into kisses. The kisses turning into touches. 

He tries not to dwell on the fact that he misses what they had. Misses Draco, even though they live in the same house now. 

He thinks—perhaps foolishly—that he’s succeeding in keeping those thoughts at bay. Thinks so even when Draco’s laughter as they watch TV puts a wide grin on his own face; thinks so even when Draco mocks Harry about how obvious it is that he’s enjoying the treacle tart Draco baked for him just because he could.

But then, one morning, Harry walks into the breakfast room to find Draco in nothing but his pyjama bottoms, a sleeping Lily cradled against his bare chest, a steaming mug placed before him on the table. Draco looks up at him, and maybe he’s too tired to think better of it, because he smiles groggily at Harry, and it’s soft, and genuine, and before Harry can seize his wild, wild heart, he’s flooded with the feeling that this is what home is supposed to feel like. 

***

He can’t keep telling himself that nothing’s wrong.

He can’t keep brushing off the fact that Draco’s resting his feet in Harry’s lap whenever they watch telly, can’t keep ignoring the fact he and Draco have been sitting in the corridor every night, talking and talking before they say their reluctant goodnights and leave for their respective bedrooms. That he and Draco have been waking up together whenever Lily cries, have been pressing their foreheads together to stay on their feet while she finishes her formula and falls asleep in their arms, safe between their chests.

After a few days of careful observation, Harry decides that Draco knows, too. He’s seen it in the way Draco looks away sometimes, as though catching himself staring at Harry in a way he shouldn’t. In the way Draco’s gone back to getting dressed before breakfast; to staying on his side of the sofa when they watch his reality show. 

Harry wants to think it’s for the better, but the truth is he can’t remember why they broke up in the first place anymore. Draco not being ready to move out of the Manor; Harry not knowing how to say no when Robards gave him extra work. Lucius Malfoy sending hateful letters from Azkaban, and Harry hoping Draco would burn them instead of letting his father’s words get to him…

It probably is for the better, after all.

***

Harry can’t hear himself, but he knows from the pain in his lungs, in his throat, that he’s screaming, and has been for a very long time. He does hear the other screams, though. The ones coming from the other side of the cupboard door, calling him ungrateful, calling him a waste of space. Telling him no one will ever love him. No one will ever need him. That he’d do the world a favour if he disappeared.

Even as he screams and bangs on the door, trying desperately to get out of there, Harry thinks that maybe death would be better than another second of this. And then there’s a flash of green, and another one, and another one, and he’s dying, he knows he’s dying, but it’s like he can’t get it done. Like he’s stuck mid-fall, hanging in the air, and there’s another flash of green, and another one—

“Harry. Harry, love, wake up.” 

There’s a hand in his hair, and he pushes it away, curling into a ball, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re okay. You were having a nightmare.”

 Did he just dream of Draco calling him love? 

He turns around to face Draco, flashes of the dream still engraved behind his eyes, and Draco touches his hair again—his cheeks, his forehead—and tells him he’s safe. Harry opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a whine. 

“I’m here,” Draco tells him, and Harry nods. Scoots back a little, pulls at Draco’s sleeve. A second later, Draco’s inside the bed and Harry is blindly curling himself inside Draco’s warm embrace. Draco traces circles with his palm on Harry’s back, tells him he’s okay again, tells him to breathe slowly, to try to relax his body with every exhale.

“I was dying,” Harry explains after a moment. “Well, before that I was in...mmh…in Privet Drive, although it looked more like Bill and Fleur’s house, but I knew it was Privet Drive, and Uncle Vernon had…caught me trying to escape through the toilet, and there was a turtle in the toilet that I was almost sure wanted to help me, but Vernon locked me in the…cupboard, you know the one...and it was smaller and darker than I remembered it, and the screams were so loud that I…was trying to leave, but then when I went to…to the…mh…I couldn’t die.” 

“But weren’t you dying in your dream?”

“Yeah,” Harry exhales. “I couldn’t though.” 

Draco huffs. 

“Let’s try to get some more sleep, okay?”

Harry thinks that’s an amazing idea, but before he can voice that out loud, he’s sinking back into the comfort of dreamless sleep.

***

Lily wakes them up before sunrise. 

“I’ll take care of her,” Draco grumbles. Harry’s loathe to let him go, the bed cold and unwelcoming without him, but he can barely groan in disapproval as Draco dislodges himself from his arms.

He hears Draco whispering to Lily, cooing, humming a soft lullaby. When he turns around, Harry’s breath hitches at the sight of Draco, barely illuminated by the pale light of the slowly dawning day, holding their baby against his chest and kissing her forehead as she relaxes in his arms. 

And maybe it’s because he’s too tired to think better of it, but Harry smiles. Murmurs, “Why did we ever give up on this?” 

Draco looks up to him, and if he wasn’t so unsteady on his feet, his hair so rumpled and his eyelids so droopy, Harry would have feared the wave of sadness that washes over his face. 

“I’d tell you to stop that,” Draco whispers after a moment, “but I’m beginning to think that I don’t know the answer to that question either.”

Harry doesn’t reply, and, after a moment, Draco looks back down at Lily. Brushes his fingers to the sparse hair of her head. 

“She’s so soft…” 

“She’s got your eyes,” Harry says, slowly sitting up. “She’s beautiful, just like you.”

“Harry,” Draco breathes, and his voice wavers.

Harry walks to him. Rests a hand on Draco’s waist. 

“I know,” he exhales.

Slowly, Harry circles Draco’s waist with his arm, pulling him close and resting his head on Draco’s shoulder. They lean against one another, and Harry feels more than hears Draco sigh as he nuzzles Draco’s jaw and looks down at their daughter.

Draco breaks the silence a few moments later.

“You were right. About my father.” 

Harry doesn’t dare look up as he waits for Draco to continue.

“When he found out we were having a baby, and that we’d broken up, the—the tone of his letters changed drastically. He wanted me to take you to court. Didn’t want you to have any power over her so you couldn’t turn her into a blood traitor. When I made it clear that that wasn’t what I wanted, things got…ugly, to say the least.”

Before he can think better of it, Harry kisses Draco’s cheek. Says, “He won’t be out of Azkaban for another decade. And even when he is, we won’t let him influence her.” 

Draco’s looking at him now, fear and doubt and hope all shining in his eyes. 

Harry swallows. 

“You were right, too,” he says softly, “about staying in the Manor being a good idea. I didn’t want to see past my bad memories of it, and I’m glad this pandemic appeared to give me a good kick in the arse for it.”

Draco huffs, and his smile feels so safe and familiar it makes Harry’s stomach flutter. Draco must notice, because his smile fades and he dislodges himself from Harry’s embrace to put Lily back in her crib.

He doesn’t look at Harry when he straightens up again. 

“I should go back to my own bed,” he says after a moment.

Harry takes his hand. 

“Or we could talk.”

Draco sighs, but turns around to face him. Their fingers curl loosely with an ease born from years of practice, and Draco looks down at them, stroking Harry’s thumb with his own. 

“There shouldn’t be anything to talk about,” he says, and Harry can see that he hates every word.

Instead of replying, Harry steps on Draco’s feet. He used to do it a lot—used to randomly decide he was tired of wearing socks around the house and stand on Draco’s warm feet instead—and he knew Draco loved it, even if he always made a great deal out of it. 

Now, Draco yelps, but holds Harry close so he doesn’t lose balance.

“You feel like home,” Harry admits, Draco’s hands pressed to his lower back making him bold. 

“Harry,” Draco warns even as his fists curl around Harry’s pyjamas. 

“Draco.” Harry presses his forehead to Draco’s, and damn, but Draco smells like home, too. “I’ll stop if you really want me to. But I need to hear you say it. I need to hear you say that you don’t think we made a mistake when we broke up, because otherwise I’ll believe that you feel the same way I do and I will have to keep fighting for us.” 

Suddenly, Draco is cupping Harry’s head with a strong hand and letting all of his weight rest on Harry’s forehead. 

“God, you’re such an idiot.” 

“Maybe. But I’m your idiot.” 

Draco laughs a breathless laugh that Harry feels against his lips, and he only has half a mind to wonder when they got so close.

“You can't say things like that,” Draco chastises, sounding more amused and defeated than actually frustrated. 

“I love you,” is what Harry has to say to that. 

He feels the hitch of Draco's next breath right before Draco kisses him, softly. Hesitantly. But the hesitancy soon passes, and they sink into a kiss that feels inevitable, that feels familiar; a sigh of relief, a welcome back.  

“I’ve missed hearing you say that,” Draco says against Harry’s lips.

“I love you,” Harry repeats, happy to say it again as many times as necessary. Then, after pressing another chaste kiss to Draco’s now wet lips, “I’ve missed you.”

They’re still kissing and embracing and nuzzling one another when Harry walks them back to the bed. When he exhales, “Stay,” and kisses away the worry from Draco’s frown, tugs at his pyjamas around his waist to urge him down, holds Draco close while they pull up the bed covers.

Breaths mingling, legs tangled, Harry plays idly with Draco’s hair and wonders if he will ever let go of Draco again. If he was meaning to ask Draco to stay the night, just a moment ago, or perhaps he meant something entirely different. 

“Draco,” Harry murmurs after a moment.

“Hm?” 

The idiot is already falling asleep. Harry smiles to himself.

“When this pandemic is over, I want you to kick my arse if I ever tell you I won’t be home in time because of Robards. Hell, I want you to floo to the Auror Department and kick his arse yourself. Will you do that for me?”

“Oh, I’ll do it for myself, thank you very much,” Draco breathes. Then, after a beat of silence, “Just as long as you don’t let me talk myself into defending my father.”

“I’ll try.”

God, but he’d forgotten the way Draco’s hair becomes softer and softer the longer he plays with it.

Draco sighs. Says, “I love you,” and closes his eyes just as the first ray of morning sun illuminates Harry’s fingers twisted in between his golden strands of hair.