#but who don't see it as abuse but as something that made them behave properly

[gh-0-stcup]

The weirdest take I've seen on Reddit is that the show made John Winchester a worse father in the later seasons than he was initially. That the worst he did early on was being a bit distant and training his sons from a young age. And of course, that stuff wasn't that bad because it was necessary to keep them safe.

Just off the top of my head here's what we get from season 1 alone. Dean being traumatized by John's treatment of him following the shtriga attack. John disowning Sam for going to college. John refusing to pick up his phone when Dean is literally dying. John physically intimidating Sam during an argument - one that started simply because Sam refused to go along with whatever John said to do without asking questions. Dean having to physically get between the two of them and having to physically pull them apart before they attacked each other.

There's a load of other stuff from the first 3 seasons as well. If anything, the show took a stronger stance regarding John's terrible parenting in those seasons than any of the later ones. The longer John was dead, the fonder the boys became of him.

[aihoshiino]

What are your thoughts on how onk is handling ruby recently

So I've been rattling my brains about this since long before this ask – since the chapter 123 leaks dropped, if I'm honest and I think I'm at a place where my feelings are "I understand why these choices are being made, I just don't like that these are the choices they went with".

(I kind of talked about this elsewhere last week, by coincidence, so sorry to anyone about to see me repeat myself LOL)

As someone who really, REALLY loves Ruby, it feels like there's been a consistent failure to properly center her and give her focus and interesting things to do since around the start of Tokyo Blade. Black hoshigan Ruby (as I've mentioned in a previous post) was a really interesting and exciting opportunity to dig into Ruby's trauma and darker feelings that OnK is comparatively quieter on. But with the benefit of hindsight now that the arc is over, it's clear that the whole thing was just a plot cul-de-sac - if I were feeling particularly uncharitable, I would go as far as to call it filler to waste time until Aqua was back in revenge mode. She might not ping back to white stars until 123 but black hoshigan Ruby essentially ceases to be relevant once Aqua is back in the picture until she can be used to serve his arc again.

And the frustrating thing is - I was so, SO fucking excited to see how Ruby was being handled in the start of the movie arc! It felt like we were building up to a really fantastic examination of Ruby's relationship with all three of her mothers, and the way toxic motherhood in general trickles down and poisons someone for long after they're out of the environment of abuse. The incredibly strong and vivid depictions of Ruby literally triggering and retraumatizing herself by engaging with material that depicted Ai's own abuse and the way it dragged back memories of her own abuse and abandonment were so powerful and so scary - her pain absolutely overflowed out of every single page and the care and tenderness with which it was depicted made me feel so deeply for Ruby. This poor, poor girl who has been in so much pain for so long and has done her best to be happy and strong but is at last reaching her human breaking point - it was so fucking good!

The arc we were promised for Ruby at the outset of the movie arc was, no joke, exactly the sort of thing I had been hoping and praying for Akasaka to do for her ever since I got back into the series in April. I really, genuinely thought this was finally going to be Ruby's time to shine and achieve some meaningful healing and catharsis.

And then the arc completely switches tracks to be about Aqua instead and all we've gotten from Ruby since is incest bait and her simping over her brother.

To be clear, I am 100% aware I am being disingenuous here and that there is way more going on than my eyerolling dismissal of it, but I'm trying to get across how it feels for me as a Ruby enjoyer VS how my Themes And Characterization And Narrative brain logically understands what is going on.

It absolutely completely makes sense for Ruby to be behaving this way right now. Gorou was the first and only person in her short life as Sarina to make her feel safe and valued and cared for and having the miracle of their reunion granted to her after she was sure she'd lost him forever and just as she was at emotional and mental rock bottom? That shit was GUARANTEED to turn her brain into soup and Ruby developing confusedly romantic and unhealthy feelings for Aqua vis-a-vis projecting Gorou onto him when she is so desperately in need of comfort and support is maybe not pretty or flattering, but it feels honestly, authentically weird and messy and uncomfortable. Oshi no Ko's willingness to portray character relationships with enough of that honesty to just let them be weird and fucked up and icky and unhealthy sometimes is something I really, really appreciate about it.

My issue is not that this plot point has happened to begin with - my issue is with how it's been framed. This is partially exacerbated by the manga's schedule getting FUBAR'd just after this reveal dropped and thus forcing us to stew in what I imagine is still the relatively early stages of this new status quo for maybe longer than intended, but we have gotten little to no serious examination of how Ruby actually feels about any of this. Almost every interaction the twins have had since this reveal dropped has been incest bait jokes. The fact that Ruby was in the middle of a massively overdue bit of character development that was finally all about her and her feelings only for that to get thrown to one side in favour of her being all uwu oniichansensei and being treated like a comic relief character is just so, so deeply insulting and betrays such a huge lack of respect for Ruby and her feelings.

The relative shallowness and childishness of them is, I think, intentional and accepting this uncritically as yummy ship bait is clown behaviour - we are playing around in this space specifically to soften us up for when the twins finally have an open and honest confrontation about this, but all that means is that for the time being, I am being asked to laugh at and vicariously enjoy Ruby's unhealthy, fucked up feelings born from her deep trauma and to be perfectly frank that just leaves me feeling fucking insulted.

As a survivor of the little sister incest anime boom and a fan of Revolutionary Girl Utena, I simply have no patience for a series that purports to take itself and its characters seriously then turns around and plays sibling incest for nudgewink laughs and ship bait, especially when it has derailed and, in the short term, superseded and ruined what was shaping to be an exciting and deeply emotional character arc for a character desperately in need of focus.

[leam1983]

On Repeated Visits

A friend from work asked me why I went back to Middle-Earth: Shadow of War so often. They're the Tolkien Purist type, the exact sort that wrinkles its nose at The Rings of Power.

I shrugged. I don't care much for Talion and Celebrimbor and the timeline getting Batman-Backbreaker'd in half in order to accomodate the designers' desire to design a city inhabited by Men without invoking Minas Tirith really didn't strike me as being sacrilegious. I don't need Everything Tolkien to be focused on Hobbits and I really don't mind Monolith ignoring and twisting huge swaths of the lore, not when said lore remains accessible in its correct form, through the Silmarilion and the Unfinished Tales.

I like Shadow of War that much because it gives one of the least-represented groups a voice, and does it in a way that respects their posture as antagonists while still adding more to the fire than the usual "Well, dur, the Uruk-Hai were made by Sauron, of course they'd follow him!"

SoW's Uruk can be seen and heard bickering, debating Ethics during wartime, behaving as much like weary soldiers as they would like the caricature of shellshocked pricks with War Crimes charges waiting in the rinks. You can see them trying to dodge conscription in hunting parties or raid groups, or step aside to question orders on the sly. They function off of woefully incorrect and incomplete information, yes - but they're asking all the right questions. They're like companies in Vietnam that went on for too long without furlough; the pecking order gets challenged, authority crumbles and the occupying force's fault lines are laid bare. They're shoddily trained and taught to think of themselves as the Bestest Evar, and some come achingly close to realizing that their training modes are insufficient. They're all clamoring for something better, but were never taught what to ask for, what to expect.

And so, logically, they hate those who have it better. The better-trained with palatable rations and properly-developed skills. Those who were given processing skills to tolerate the rigors of war without snapping. The Men of Gondor and the Elves of Rivendell or Lorien. Their aversion to light isn't just an affect of their starting as troglodytes, it marks their finding the other races' acquired power and wisdom as being insulting to their own efforts. It speaks to a massive inferiority complex and a sense of envy that's pervasive in their culture, that they see as more or less smothered away behind their hatred.

In my mind, the Orcs aren't really hateful - they're envious. They just can't process this correctly, being the product of generalized trauma. It speaks of Sauron as being an absent ruler and commander, an abusive father, an incompetent figure of authority and a force of Evil for whom the only driving factor is his absolute pugnaciousness. Sauron is very much a Karen, and he's spent two Ages of Middle-Earth's history trying to Speak to the Manager.

With that in mind, how could you not pity the Orcs and find them several orders of magnitude more interesting than Arda's better-adjusted races?

[grumpy-baby]

Polyamory diaries: Hard Mode

My therapist tells me I should journal, but where's the fun in doing something that has absolutely no hope of external validation? So here we are. All roads lead back to tumblr somehow.

About a year ago, my friend told me that M (partner of 10 years/ primary partner/nesting partner) and I are doing non-monogamy on hard mode. What she meant by that was the fact that we went from monogamy to non-monogamy after having been together for years already. And it's true. Non-monogamy will absolutely fuck your relationship six ways from Sunday if you're not ready. It exposes every crack, crease or strain on your partnership, shining an unforgiving light on every single rug-sweep or white lie or mildly unhealthy habit you've ever made. Transitioning from monogamy is much harder than operating from a base of non-monogamy from the start.

But I used to be proud that we did it "properly". We managed the transition. We read the books. We learned about attachment styles. We started out swinging, then we eased into dating and having sex separately, and then opened our relationship. And about two months ago we had a remarkably casual conversation about falling in love with others. And as we witnessed other newly-NM partnerships of 7, 8 years crumbling around us while ours went from strength to strength, we felt smug that our relationship's foundation was reassuringly solid. (That is NOT to say it was easy - it was really fucking hard - but we Did It, yaknow?)

Enter 2023.

In the space of four months:

I got medically signed off work for burnout

I started having my first breakthroughs in psychodynamic therapy, one of which was the realisation that my mother is an abusive malignant narcissist

I had suicidal ideation and a breakdown over M's relationship with a woman who treated me extremely poorly, and felt backed into using veto power despite my assurances to myself that I wouldn't ever

I realised I almost definitely have ADHD

My ex, with whom I was still very much in love and from whose ending of our relationship I was still reeling, died of a ketamine overdose

I went no contact with my mother

Friends, I am Not Doing Great. Actually, given the circumstances, I think I'm doing remarkably well, but dear reader, when I tell you I am so fucking tired...

I could go on about the devastating impact all this has had on my self-image, confidence, mental health, emotional wellbeing, etc, but you can probably take a guess at all that. However, having all of these events packed so closely together has meant I've had to do a LOT of processing bad feelings and it's been...eye-opening.

You see, it turns out that I've been suppressing almost all of my emotions my whole life. My father was so explosive, and my mother's emotions so wild and all-consuming, that there wasn't any space for me to express anything except quiet, well-behaved compliance. I was in denial about my mother's emotional abuse for all of these years and having to face that all of a sudden has brought back a lot of memories. And in all of them, I was punished (severely) for my rage, my sadness, my pushback. So I suppressed them. I went through my whole life thinking I was strong, resilient and untouchable. A spiky little fighter who could overcome anything without feeling anything but determination. Turns out I'd actually emotionally castrated myself.

Now, at the age of 31, I am feeling my feelings for the first time. And boy are there a LOT of them. Before this year, I thought M was the one who would struggle with polyamory the most. I thought if we ever broke up, it would be me doing the breaking. Out of the two of us, I was sure I was the more independent and self-reliant.

Turns out those were lies I told myself. I'm not spiky and plucky. I don't have an exoskeleton. I have a bunch of defective survival mechanics that haven't been fit for purpose for decades and are now falling away. I'm a soft, sensitive and deeply, deeply hurt little crab whose only safe home is my partner. I haven't learned how to build my own yet.

So when he goes on dates, when I think about him having sex with others, when he tells me he and his new partner are really really into each other - rather than feeling excited for him like I used to, I can feel it all spinning away from me. My newly-discovered emotions, which I never learned to regulate because I wasn't allowed to have any, take the wheel and drive me down into the pits of the worst possible case scenario and tell me that it's real, that I'm too ugly and broken for him to love me anymore, that he hates me, that my friends hate me, that I'm nothing but a burden, that it's the truth, that my life is over.

My logical brain tells me I'm happy for him, that I have compersion, that he deserves good partners, just like I do. But it doesn't make the thought of meeting her tonight any less terrifying. At least she's bringing her dog - hopefully he'll diffuse any tension.

Hard Mode. No shit.

[mssallsunday]

I hope this is the right blog and not a fucking stranger who took this URL lol um. Hi. I used to know you!

Not for very long, but you were a saving grace and a bright spot in my daily life for some time, while i was in the middle of an abusive relationship that i couldnt see. I treated you poorly during that time. I didn't respect you, lashed out over small things, behaved manipulatively, among other things that I honestly don't remember as well as i wish i did, in order to apologize more properly, i was so dissociated during that period of my life. I want to say sorry for it.

I'm sorry that i added to the burden of what you were already going through during the time we knew each other. I'm sorry i didn't take the time and care you deserved to understand you and your plights more completely. I'm sorry i didn't return the same kindness and love you showed me. You deserved better than that. But i imagine you already knew that, because retrospectively I can see you had already been through enough to know what you didnt deserve to have to deal with. That's why you broke things off with me, understandably.

Thank you for showing me compassion and love during our friendship. You shared the light inside yourself with me, during a time where my world made no sense and i was constantly in shambles. It meant a lot to me. I think it ultimately meant more to me than either of us could have predicted at the time. I feel a little pathetic that i still think of you to this day, but i hope you see it as a compliment or testimony to how wonderful of a person you are. That, and, now I'm (affectionately) stuck associating willow trees with you for the rest of my life, even if you don't go by that name anymore.

It's selfish of me, but i really do hope you see this. There's so many things I'd like to know about you, like how finishing your degree went and where you've gone since then and if you're happy now. I'd like to know that you're happy. Not that you need to reply, if you do see this. I mainly hope that this message makes you feel ... Vindicated that someone who mistreated you regrets it and appreciated for the lovely person you are, and not fucking awful, lmfao.

Sorry, and thank you, again,

Hunter 🍓

If anything hasn't changed in all these years, it's my blog name! You're in the right place, Hunter.

Waking up on a random Thursday morning to a message I never expected to come was a surprise to say the least... But not an unwelcome one. I'm shocked at the depth of your message and how thorough it is, I'm shocked that you still think of me, and I'm shocked to know that in the end the memories and impact I've left with you aren't negative ones but happy ones.

We were both young. Way too young to know how much of a mess we were getting into!! I'm glad to know you are no longer there and that you must have found your own place of peace to reach out to me and say this. I truly, deeply appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I feel very healed to have hurt it, and to know that I'm not lingering on in sour memories in your head...

And speaking of happy... I am. I am very, very happy. I did finish my degree! Far from the top of my class, but I've got a shiny bachelor's in cinematography. I draw now, all the time, something I always wanted to be able to do. I'm a freelance photographer and a social media manager. I'm still obsessed with fire emblem. I still write EVERY day. I moved to New York like I always said I would!! I still go by Willow, and some day soon I'm going to finally and officially be changing my name. Happiest of all, I have a spouse now. We live in a tiny cottage in the woods with two cats. They're (... The spouse, not the cats) rambunctious and crazy and a huge nerd- and incredibly nurturing. They've taken good care of me to make me a better person and to help me move past many unhealed tragedys in my life. I'm incredibly thankful to them, and incredibly in love with them. It's nice being domestic and stupid and still every bit the exact same nerd I've always been.

I wake up often and am shocked at how happy I am. It feels good.

Thank you again for reaching out... I had a nice long cry reading this message this morning!! But it was worth it. It's good to hear these things .. and it's nice to know that you're doing better and could send it. I hope that you, too, were able to find peace and healing and happiness that you've needed. I like the new name, too.

Will 🏹

[the-firebird69]

I didn't order them to bomb you it came from your retarded friends

Mac

I know it came from them that's why I come from you as well and the boy

Mcain

You're on crack pal I don't even know you were out there at all I had no idea who the people in the neighborhood were I had no idea my granddaddy was there I think you're on crack I mean you're mentally ill

Zues Hera

You knew later and ordered it it says that's not true I knew later that you escaped and that they were bombing near you and that you escaped so you weren't bombed why order it if it didn't work okay that makes sense so who ordered it on your side I don't know what the bombing was it was Nixon who's Daniel and we didn't order him to do that he was doing it to threaten the s*** out of us thank you very much by the way for paying attention to how your system works I mean come on you want to be a Ludacris fool on your way out. CAA says not really I do follow something a lot of things are said and they have certain meanings and people go around saying s*** to me having me hold on to stuff you're kind of right. I would say I'm very bright because at the time it was not like it is now and you did not have any power so to speak like in the old way. CAA adds that last part let's say this kind of sick of this living situation with some person who's a convicted felon coming back over and over nobody has the power to move them out. That's starting to see what you're saying you can't move them out cuz nobody's listening obviously and you shouldn't be here and nobody's standing up for her including her husband. I guess I was doing it too. So I understand what happened in the past that's not why this is a massive grudge it's really because everybody is against everybody else and you can never really succeed. And that's not right either because Max has got all sorts of stuff and I had all sorts of stuff and if you knock each other out you don't do anything caa adds. So really we saw it coming and we saw as hell in a mistake and it would be awful we got really really big made way too many people and it really didn't help anyone to go through all that. In our approach is not conducive to the teamwork we needed a lot say and he's saying that meaning that you have a position but you're not supposed to ruin everything because you really can't afford to. And CAA said that and I disagree

Billy z

I kind of see your point but I don't understand why it had to be ultimately keep everybody out. And in doing so you risked everything on your training and your kids who might not have been trained properly and they're young there's a lot of tricks and stuff they could have fallen for.

Mac

I excluded everyone because they refuse to be trained correctly and kept doing slime ball stuff I was trying to get something done it was working quite well until everybody started messing with him and having him sick on me by sticking them right down here. And again I'm the one who kicked him out of the house so it is my fault and I did put him here

Tommy f

They're kind of a fool and you wrecked it and you're admitting it there's a few reasons for it and you act like a youngster and you behave like one and you still do you're acting like if you were still under my wing and you're not I said that too and it's all you're acting you're all kind of acting like that that you can lean on me if you have to and you can't you can't lean on me and abuse me abuse me like everybody else tries to and they don't succeed it's hard to do but he can lean on you and abuse you and you definitely demand it you pull this a****** back in off the street you should have stayed out now it's going to be a problem and yeah John Lord is back and he's a felon and he's in the house that he got evicted from by the court

Mac

[married-to-google-translater]

Yo heard your req are open ,, can you do headcanons ( diasmonia gang) on this :

There is a rumor where fae will come take your child if you don't took care of them properly and y/n was six years old when she was running from her abusive parents . Suddenly a tall figure offering a home for her . She agreed , growing up as one of the Lilia's student . But it's weird she slowly don't remember anything about her past . She also aren't allowed to go outside . Silver always act like a big brother saying ' father do that for your safety , beside you have us ' .sebek like to scold you since you are too weak to do anything , well it's not your fault since ' someone ' keep adding something to your food . And Malleus, you don't see him often but he always have time for you and suddenly he ask you to marry him ....

Can you run from this twisted fate ?

I have taken a inspiration from the 1950s lifestyle and parenting models to this writing. I hope you like it.

Btw this is not headcanon... It became oneshot...

Words: So many that I can't count.

Yandere Diasomnia x reader

There was a rumor in your village that was often told to children. According to the rumor, the nearby forest was inhabited by fae's who came to the village at night and abducted all the children who were not behaving well. However, you knew that seeing the rumors was just a lie. If they had been true, Fae's would have kidnapped you a long time ago.

You were only a six-year-old, but even you realized that in your home was not all right. Nothing was right after your mother died. And especially not after your father found a new wife who didn’t like you because you looked like your mother.

So you tried your best to be a bad and nasty kid so that Fae's would come and take you away. You’ve broken the dishes, drawn on the walls, and even bitten your stepmother who was trying to get you to stop. But Fae's did not come. You wondered if they were shy. You were lying in your bed and you were a little hungry because you had to go to bed without food as a punishment. That's when you got a great idea. If the fae's don't dare come to you you have to go to them.

So that night you were waiting for your dad and stepmother to go to sleep. You sneaked quietly into the kitchen and made a couple of snacks and juice that you put in your bag. After that, you sneaks quietly out and you ran into the forest...

The forest was darker than you had imagined. There were a lot of scary sounds and shadows. But still, the thought of getting a caring home helped you move on. So you wandered in the woods and shouted, "Heyyyy are there any faes here? There would be a lost child here that you could kidnap."

You got to wander for a long time. Or did you think it took a long time? At least you had already eaten all your snacks from your bag. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe you should go back. That's when you realized you were lost. You had never thought about what would happen if you couldn’t find Fae's. After this information, you quickly began to cry. What was your luck’s happiness as your crying attracted Lilia to you?

"Aaaaw what about a sweet and small child doing alone in the forest? Are your parents somewhere nearby?" At first, you were startled by the sound but something in Lilia’s essence made you trust her. So you told me how you had run away from home and tried to find a fae so you wouldn’t have to go home. "That was sad to hear. What if you came to live with me? I could take better care of you." And since you are a stupid child, you agree to Lilia’s offer.

And that's where your new life began.

Your new childhood was happy. Now you had a sleepy and kind big brother Silver... and a less kind and loud Uncle-Sebek. Then there was also "your best friend" Malleus who was often busy and Papa Lilia who taught you how to make magic drinks and how to make food. Even though your childhood was happy you no longer dared to go to the woods alone. Papa Lilia had told you that if you go out alone your parents will find you and take you back to that miserable place.

Over time, your memories fade but you still dare not go alone in the woods. Time seems to be running fast. You will soon find that you are almost an adult who wanted to try your limits. It's a pity that your overprotective yandere family didn't let you do it.

"Y/N Where are you going alone? Weak humans like you can't survive alone outdoors. Stop staring at the door and come back here before I tell your dad this." You were disappointed to hear Sebek's voice. You had been so close that you could secretly go out and pick flowers as a gift for Lilia. You wanted to show that you wouldn’t die as soon as you step out the door. And even if you loved your new family a lot, you would want space to breathe. You really couldn't tell Sebek that. You were sure he wouldn't understand. Malleus and Silver might understand but not Sebek. So you went back to your room.

Your normal days were usually spent studying different things with Lilia's guidance. Lilia had been your teacher all your life. (Of course, there were some shortcomings in your education because none of them wanted you to become too independent.) Otherwise, you spent almost all of your time with either Silver or Malleus. With Silver, you usually helped him with household chores or listened when he told about his date. You spent less time with Malleus. But when you did, Malleus always wanted to braid your hair and know everything you had done while he was away.

And the rest of your life would surely have gone on like this but then you met Tom. Tom and his family had moved nearby and Tom was distributing gourmet baskets because he wanted to get on good terms with his neighbors. When Tom came to give them to your "family" you managed to open the door first. And because Tom was the first person you had seen in a long time, you became interested in him.

You started secretly spending time alone. It was almost impossible but sometimes Tom managed to sneak under the window of your room and you might talk for a moment. It was Tom who helped you understand that your family is overprotected and that you don’t remember anything about your past is not normal. In addition, you realized that there were serious shortcomings in your training and you certainly wouldn’t be able to cope alone. Knowing this was hard because you thought your family would always think of your best. You started to fall in love with Tom a little.

However, everything nice will end in time. And once you got caught talking to Tom. It caused a horrible commotion. You had never seen Sebek so angry before, Silver so disappointed and Lilia was a mix of both. Together, they decided to “Move Your Room” into the basement and make sure you can’t move anywhere else in the house without their supervision. You don’t understand what you had done wrong. Was talking to others such a bad and serious thing?

Meanwhile, Lilia, Silver, Sebek, and Malleus had a serious discussion about your future.

Silver: Doesn't this punishment go a little further. I'm sure Y/N learned from them mistake.

Lilia: What if that's not the case? What if Y/N tries again and something happens? I don't want anything to happen to my little baby.

Sebek: I believe Murder is the best option. After that, Y/N is definitely not trying anything stupid.

Silver: We can't just murder someone! It's not right.

Malleus: What if Y / N were to marry me? After that, they couldn’t leave and they could always be close to them family.

Lilia: Awesome Idea Malleus. This is perfect. I start preparing for the wedding right away.

You only found out about this shortly before the wedding. It wasn’t a question it was a revelation that Lilia told you about. Life with the yandere dragon just was even more limited than normal.

You really can't go. You cannot escape this twisted fate...

[punkpandapatrixk]

🔊What Noises Are Disrupting Your Mind?💥—Timeless Tarot Pick A Card

If you can be aware of them, you can turn them off! The power is within yourself! You can do this~!

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Pile 1 - Regrets Over Past Weakness

5 of Swords Rx, 2 of Cups, King of Wands

Priestesses of Luxury & Illumination

Green Alchemist (Nicolas Flamel)

You know you have it in you. You know you could've put those assholes in their place. But your empathy stopped you from being nasty. And you feel so ashamed and defeated and you play in the theatre of your mind these thoughts—revenge scenarios—over and over again. Even on the days you aren't particularly thinking those scenarios, an uncomfortable feeling weighs on your chest. In a way, this is all creating mental noises that prevent you from living the harmonious, luxurious mega-empowered lifestyle you know you could be living right now. -I'm trembling as I'm writing this for you.-

You are too kind, and so when you have arguments with absolutely delulu idiots you still have the capacity to see that they're hurting. They're frantic and paranoid and that's why they behave that way. Your empathy understands that, but on the other hand, you yourself are actually a badass (or have the potential to become a major badass) and you demand respect! You often regret not having the strength to throw those sharp knives of a snarky comeback! Or fact check! Or whatever was on your mind. People who have never been in your shoes wonder why you're so worked up over that kind of thing. It sounds childish to them, but...

They just don't know how much this is causing havoc in your daily life (almost) because you're an empathetic child who's acutely sensitive to the smell of conflict. You wish you could've made your point clearly so that smogs of smugness could simply be cleared. To you, it's important that hurt feelings are communicated properly because honesty is also important to you. Problem is, whatever transpired in the past didn't allow you to state your end of the argument. And this bothers you to no end...

If you resonate with having a strong Aries influence in your birth chart, there could be something useful here:

🌹Restoring Power for All Signs

How you can alchemise these noises🔻🧡

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 - Loss of Relationships

5 of Cups, 10 of Pentacles, 3 of Cups Rx

Priestesses of Intuition & Good Fortune

Green Astronomer (Nicolaus Copernicus)

You may have attachment or abandonment issues, this pile. Or a variety of that to varying degrees. Losing a relationship is never an easy thing for you. You ruminate deeply when a relationship has failed, and this could be any type of relationship/connection to another human being, even to an animal/pet who got separated from you. I'm hearing separation anxiety. Maybe some of you have had a traumatic experience as a child that gave you separation anxiety disorder, even.

At any rate, you now have a difficult time accepting a loss of a relationship. Whatever the form. Whether it's a breakup with a significant other, or watching your parents fight and divorce, or losing a friend (even not being able to see a favourite teacher anymore), or the death of a pet. Whatever important emotional connection you have made in life, when it is taken away from you, you become unbearably sad and sometimes, you even blame yourself for the loss. You think you're not a good enough human being to maintain a positive, harmonious relationship in your life.

Obviously, for the majority of the people who've chosen this pile, your lack of self-worth originated in your family line. It could be your toxic parents making you feel that way. Perhaps they threw abusive words at you that stunted the development of your healthy self-esteem. For some of you, it could be that you watched how your mother was the one abused by your father or even his family or something like that (or vice versa!). I know if you come from some Asian cultures this is, unfortunately, quite a common experience where the woman would be treated badly by her in-laws.

Whatever the case may be for you on a personal level, these traumatic experiences are causing background noises that are constantly disrupting your mind. The issues faced by the peeps who've chosen this pile are more complex than this PAC can cover and hopefully, after finding this PAC, your Spirit Guides bring you to find useful resources online (YouTube or articles or whatever) that can shed more light on this, so you can gradually heal from them~

A glimpse into your higher destiny🔻💜

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Pile 3 - Conflicting Intentions/Desires

Knight of Swords, Queen of Cups, Knight of Cups

Priestesses of Inspiration & Patience

Green Astrologer (Robert Fludd)

Wow... seriously you have many conflicts within your psyche or as part of your personality. Do you maybe have many squares in your birth chart? Perhaps you do. I've learnt that peeps who are cursed/blessed (depends how you wanna see it) with an insane number of squares are Old Souls. Energies are pulling you every other way because you're meant to become super big in this lifetime! The squares can cause havoc in your psyche, but once you manage to work with this tug o' war of intentions, people are gonna look at you and wonder how you're even real. Like... how can someone be SO FRIGGIN TALENTED AT EVERYTHING?! kind of vibe.

Little do they know, it took your entire life force to calm the crazy inside and decide to pursue one thing at a time. There was a time you decided to focus on something and became really knowledgeable/good at it. Then you moved on to the next exciting thing and repeated the whole study process. This didn't come easily to you due to the nature of your conflicting desires within, but you managed anyway. And because of that, you're someone who has a lot of knowledge or you have many skills other people can only gawk at. You're someone capable of making manifest whatever the freak you want, honestly.

I know the above could be a future scenario if you're currently struggling with these noises, right? But try to see your life from the lens of your future self. You are a person who's really strong and talented, no doubt about that. You just need to take care of your mental stability at the moment. Be the boss of your own life and work/study at the pace you're comfortable with. I know you have it in you to negotiate a life like that. Try not to succumb to other people's demands of how fast you should be able to achieve or do something. Don't ever let that happen; they're just being a bully like that. Never entertain bullies.

If you're resonating with this being your past self, congrats, you've made it! But here's really just the beginning!

Magick words to calm your mind🔻💚

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[Back to Masterlist] [Part 2] [Part 3]

[gothicprep]

God I know this is like matpat levels of unhinged but I have this crack theory that Tommy Wiseau was an abusive boyfriend and made The Room a one last act of retaliation against his ex.

Before I get into this, I do wanna get one thing out of the way first: Tommy didn't decide to write, direct, and star in a movie about a perfect guy who loses everything for no reason, so we can assume he had a dog in this fight, and this movie had some grounding in a real relationship. That said, it shouldn't be taken as a totally faithful interpretation of events. Obviously Tommy is alive, people don't play football in formal attire, etc. Literally no character in that movie behaves rationally. If you read The Disaster Artist, you'd know the original product was even less coherent. Hence the invocation of matpat. Just take it all as me doing a weird film theory on the ole blog.

But, like, anyway, Tommy probably does view Lisa as an honest representation of a real ex girlfriend, even with the screenwriting salad element taken into account. Although this is biased, inaccurate nonsense, it's consistent with how he genuinely perceives her as a person (ie, her character traits).

So let's talk about Johnny and Lisa and their general predicament for a second. Johnny is established as a character with a lucrative banking job, and makes enough for him to not only financially support his girlfriend, but his young neighbor in addition to paying his way through school. When Lisa discloses to her mother that she's fallen out of love with him, she replies with "He supports you. And honey, you can't support yourself." We also see versions of this with the reoccurring phenomena of Johnny buying her gifts. This being intended to convey, Johnny is a good guy.

There's a parallel to this in The Disaster Artist that involves how Tommy engages with those who are consuming his money in the context of the film's production. He seems as though he feels entitled to be a monster to them because he's funding the film. There's this texture of "I'm paying for this, thus, you need to do what I want" that pops up frequently. In, if I'm remembering properly, the first chapter of the book, he's cruel towards waitresses and tips them poorly, asserting that they need be happy with what they've got because he bestowed it upon them.

Even when Denny speaks of Lisa and developing feelings for her, he lingers on things such as "how she looks in her red dress." something Johnny bought her. It's resolved quickly upon Johnny changing the subject, but its interesting nonetheless.

Let's talk about the hideous vodka and whiskey drink for a second. "Johnny doesn't drink." The probability that abusive incidents happened between the two of them when Tommy had blacked out is a strong possibility, especially given that people who don't drink either have a poor personal or familial/genetic relationship with alcohol. "Johnny doesn't drink" vs the "I did not hit her" water bottle assassination seems a little... um....

Let's talk about Lisa. If you're with an abusive partner that you rely on financially, like, let's be real, there's a possibility of you falling out of love with them before the relationship ends. What are you going to do if you don't have a new living situation lined up? Perhaps, in the case of someone like that, having a new partner to stand as a barricade between you and the man who has hurt you offers a degree of security.

And, like, I suppose I'll have to include a suicidal ideation related content warning for this. So disengage now if this is something that you're not in the emotional place to hear heavier mentions of.

As stated previously, Tommy obviously didn't commit suicide before he wrote, directed, produced, and starred in "the room", but he made it pretty fucking clear that the breakup depicted in it made him slip into an emotionally unhealthy place. his way of dealing with this was to fucking WRITE DIRECT PRODUCE AND STAR IN a heavily distorted retelling version of this story that ineffectively strived to make him look as harmless as possible. but there's a very clear chaser of "you made me want to die and i want you to never forget that". even if none of these broader speculations are true, the benign idea that it's based on a breakup he experienced probably was, and this is... um...

Look, there's always the possibility that lisa was totally off her rocker and fine with spreading lies about her partner for ??? reasons. I personally don't figure it to be likely, but that's your hot take. This is also the brain child of someone who overthinks and has poor emotional health and shouldn't be taken seriously. I am not making accusations, just analyzing text. So on and so forth

[cabensonsgirly]

👼So Don’t Lie To Me. I Know I’m Not As Cool As I’d Like To Be. (Mildred Ratched) [NSFW]👼

Mildred Ratched x fem!reader

They don’t know what’s wrong with me so don’t ask xx

👼Wordcount: 4745👼

👼Posted on AO3: Read Here👼

👼Content: Abusive relationship, domestic abuse, abuse of power, just a lot of abuse, medication, mild sedation, face slapping, choking, violence, just probably don’t read this because it is quite f u c k e d up xx👼

👼When she clears her throat to get your attention you feel your cheeks flush in embarrassment of getting caught staring. "Had I shared the same belief as some of those that work here, I would make sure you were treated for lesbianism. However," she sits on the side of the bed facing you, leaning in so close that there were only inches between your lips and hers; were it not for the restraints holding you in place, you would have closed the distance, given in to your curiosity and tasted the apple from the garden of Eden. 👼

Her hand brushes lightly over your cheek before resting the tips of her fingers under your chin, tilting your head up to look at her. "Remember, if you don't clean the floors properly, you won't be sleeping in bed tonight. If you are incapable of doing the bare minimum well, then you aren't worthy of sleeping in bed with me, understood?"

You feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment; Mildred often reminded you that you were worthless unless you did what she asked to her standard, and even then, you were lucky if she praised you. You wipe your hands on the apron around your waist to dry them before sitting back on your haunches, resting your hands in your lap; Mildred was speaking to you, and you know that you are expected to only focus on her, even if you were in the middle of something.

If you were cooking and had food on your hands? You better wash your hands as fast as possible but still do a thorough job lest she think you were unsanitary, before turning your attention to her, moving to where she is, and kneeling in front of her with your hands in your lap.

If the food burned while she was talking to you because you forgot to turn the gas stove off? You'd have a nice red handprint on your cheek, and would owe her your pay for the week from work to compensate for the food you wasted in your incompetence.

"Yes Nurse Ratched. Understood." Your stomach did a flip when you saw a faint smile appear on her face, you didn't see it aimed at you often so when you did have it directed at you, you couldn't help but feel giddy. She leans down and indulges you in a kiss, her lips soft and pillowy as they glide against your own, there was a hint of rose to her lipstick, something you had missed.

You bite back a whine when she pulls away knowing that you would get backhanded if you made such a sound, it would mean you were ungrateful and greedy, and you couldn't have Mildred thinking that. "Thank you for kissing me, Nurse Ratched."

The older woman hums in response, her thumb stroking affectionately over your cheek "I remember how you were when we first met all that time ago. You were a patient at the hospital behaving like a wild animal."

She moves her hand so she's gripping your jaw, nails not quite digging in "They didn't know what to do with you until I came along. All you needed was some guidance, didn't you?" Her voice was smooth like velvet as it made its way into your mind just like it had when you'd first met.

"Get your fucking hands off of me! So what if I got into a fight! The bitch deserved-" You're cut off by an unfamiliar woman- older than you with red hair, eyes that could lure people to their demise, and voice so smooth that she could make poison sound like a luxury drink.

"So just because someone dared to state the obvious in regard to your clearly short temper, you decided that she was deserving of being beaten to a pulp until she danced with death?" As she spoke you failed to realise that you had stopped fighting against the two nurses who had been struggling to restrain you enough to get you to your bed.

"Exactly. Maybe she will learn that stating the obvious will often lead to negative consequences." You smile revealing your teeth as you manage to break from the nurses grasp due to them being naïve enough to think you had calmed down completely, and quickly made your way to where this new woman was standing just in front of the door frame.

You bite the air in front of her face, laughing after doing so "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. She would have known such if she had been paying attention in science class when we were in highschool... But she didn't so..."

You raise your hands and fiddle with the lapels of her uniform until they lay flat against her, you let out a content sigh at the symmetry before wincing when your wrists are grabbed roughly- you hadn't even noticed her move, too focused on making sure her uniform was perfect.

"That also means it applies to you too, patient, does it not? Or are you exempt from the rules you enforce upon others?" She walks you backwards over to the bed, her eyes boring into your own- you're unable to break away from them, too drawn into the void they seem to be filled with.

Despite drowning in her eyes, you began to struggle against her as she forces you down onto the bed, glaring up at her and snarling like a feral dog "Of course. But that-" You tear your eyes away from the woman to stare at the intruder, Nurse Bucket. "There you are, Nurse Ratched. I see you've met this feral creature of a patient. Are you sure you're capable of dealing with her in your-"

Nurse Ratched, as you now know her name to be, finishes restraining you to the bed before turning to face Bucket, clasping her hands together at her waist "All she needs is some guidance from someone who is competent, Nurse Bucket. Seeing as you were struggling with her, I thought I would be more capable of doing just that. Now, unless you have something urgent to tell me, leave me to deal with the patient."

She makes her way over to the door, holding it open and gesturing for everyone to leave the room before she closes then locks the door, her hands resting against it as she takes a moment to centre herself.

"I hate that lady. She treats me like I'm some fucking wild animal- gives me my food and water in damn dog bowls. How's that supposed to fucking- I'm not- There's nothing wrong with me! Everyone gets angry! How come I'm the only one that gets fucking caged!?"

Nurse Ratched makes her way back over to you, her perfect eyebrows raised as she looks down at you, an amused smile on her face "Oh you think there's nothing wrong with you? That you're behaving like a reasonable woman that is perfectly fit to live out in the world?"

She chuckles quietly and turns to the side table that has a metal tray on it with a syringe which she picks up before turning back to you "You are very delusional. I'm not surprised she treated you like that. After all, if you behave like an animal, you will be treated as such."

Mildred flicks the side of the syringe lightly to make sure there are no air bubbles "But luckily for you, I think you deserve some mercy. Although I would usually... Put you down so to speak... I think with some guidance you will become a model patient." She smiles at you, your eyes focusing on how her red lipstick has a faint gloss to it, and you wanted to know what her lips felt like against your own- if her lipstick tasted like anything.

When she clears her throat to get your attention you feel your cheeks flush in embarrassment of getting caught staring. "Had I shared the same belief as some of those that work here, I would make sure you were treated for lesbianism. However," she sits on the side of the bed facing you, leaning in so close that there were only inches between your lips and hers; were it not for the restraints holding you in place, you would have closed the distance, given in to your curiosity and tasted the apple from the garden of Eden.

"I think" her voice was barely above a whisper, yet it still had the same effect on you, had you hanging on every syllable as they fell from her red lips "it will be very useful for your treatment. Turn you from this beast into a perfect woman."

She leans down further, her lips ghosting against yours making your eyes flutter shut at the minimal contact- something you had been so starved of for so long. You felt a sharp sting in your arm but by the time you noticed it, Mildred was already up from the bed and putting the used syringe back on the tray. "That should keep you calm for the rest of the day. I will remove your bindings and lead you to the sitting room before I go do other duties."

You turn your head to the side to look at her, your eyes were struggling to focus yet you still felt so drawn to her beauty. "I'm not- I'm human too Mil-" she cuts you off "Nurse Ratched" you mumble an apology before continuing "I'm human too, Nurse Ratched. I'm- I don't have fur like a- a beast. I have- I'm-"

She shushes your rambling as she removes the bindings "You may be human, but you are certainly not acting like a rational one. Do you think I go around in such a similar state as yours?" You giggle and flash her a goofy grin "I think- I think when you do- are- when you do get mad, that you're very hot Nurse Ratched."

Whether it were the drugs or a sudden wave of courage, you get up from the bed and grab her by the waist, pulling her into you “I think you’re scary- scary when angry and-“ You gasp in surprise, your grip on her waist faltering as she grabs you by the throat like a viper would with prey, her eyes seem to be darker than before and you didn’t want to know why. “Do not touch me ever again. Am I clear, patient?”

You gulp, your cheeks flushing when you see her lips twitch in a brief smirk, and you realise just how hot the room suddenly is “Yes” you whisper out. She tightens her grip on your throat, squeezing the sides “Properly this time.” You wrap your hands around her wrist, trying to loosen her grip but in your drugged state you’re unable to even make her grip falter. She clenches her jaw and backhands you with her free hand as she lets go of your throat, causing you to stumble and hit the side-table, grunting when the edge digs into your side.

Your head is swimming as you slide down it slowly, resting with your back against the front of it. Your head lulls back against it as you look up at her, blinking often in an attempt to focus your eyes but finding all it is doing is making it worse. Mildred stands over you, her face seemingly devoid of any emotion, mind you- you weren’t exactly in a fit state to pick up on anything. “You could make this so much easier if you just did as you were told. Maybe I didn’t give you enough medication.”

She lets out a sigh and grabs a small bottle from the tray and crouches down in front of you “Open,” she taps your jaw indicating that you open your mouth, but you shake your head and clench your jaw. “I won’t ask again. You could make this so much easier if you just opened your mouth. I can assure you it will be more pleasant if you do.”

You feel a few tears spill onto your cheeks as you reluctantly open your mouth. She unscrews the lid of the bottle and pours a substantial amount of the contents into your mouth before closing your mouth for you and covering it as well as your nose, cutting off your supply of oxygen. You struggle against her, weakly clawing at her hands while your brain desperately screams for air. All the while she is watching you apathetically, her grip on your mouth and nose not wavering in the slightest.

After what feels like minutes but is in reality only ten or so seconds, you give in and swallow the medication, grimacing in discomfort as it makes it way down your gullet. She lets go of you and stands up, putting the lid back on the bottle then back on the tray before looking down at you, her hand reaching under your chin to tilt your head up to look at her.

“Let’s try this one more time, patient. If you do as I tell you, your time here will be very short, and I will make sure you have a place to live afterwards because” she leans down, feigning pity as she speaks, but you believe it to be genuine “no one wants you. Your family do not want you. Your friends do not want you. No one” she brushes away the tears from your cheeks almost gently “wants you.” You break down crying, the tears flowing freely as you crumple further against the side table.

Mildred crouches down again and pulls you into her, cradling the back of your head against her while her other hand rubs your back, speaking softly. “I know what it is like to feel unwanted. How scary it is trying to find your way when there is no one there for you. There are so many people out there that want to take advantage of vulnerable women like you.” You mumble against her neck “mm’not feeling- Nurse Ratched- mm’sick.”

She hums quietly, a small, satisfied smile on her face as pulls something out of her pocket before helping you sit up against the side table “open,” you open your mouth, struggling to keep your head up. She flips the cap off and holds your head back and pours some of the contents into your mouth “swallow.”

You do as your told, screwing your face up slightly as the bitter taste spreads throughout your mouth before it makes its way down your throat. A few moments later you’re leaning to the side as the contents of your stomach make an unwanted guest appearance. Mildred pats your back and coos “There we go. Get it all out, sweet girl.”

You don’t remember the last time you were sick like this; you were somehow one of the lucky ones that rarely got ill so this feeling was extremely unpleasant to say the least. You clung to the front of Mildred’s uniform despite struggling to even move- your limbs felt so heavy. You were desperate for her to stay here- to not leave you alone, she was right, no one wants you. “Don’t- Please st-“ She hushes you gently, using the bottom of your shirt to wipe the sick from your mouth and chin “I’m not leaving you, sweet girl.”

She hooks her hands under your arms and lifts you up so you’re standing before guiding you to sit back on the bed, letting out an annoyed sigh “Look at the mess you’ve made, Yn. You really are an animal.” You let out a sob, looking down at your ruined shirt at the mess on the floor “I’m- I am. I am” you mumble, repeating yourself as more tears stain your cheeks.

Mildred pinches your chin between her thumb and forefinger as she tilts your head up to look at her, her own brown eyes cold and hard as they stare into your own. “Good girl, you’re already learning. Accepting who you are is the first step.” You sniff and wipe your eyes on your sleeve before looking at her again, eyes glistening and filled with vulnerability “Help,” you beg quietly. Her hand moves from your chin to cup your cheek tenderly “I will. I will show you the mercy you deserve.”

The following few weeks were a blur, Nurse Ratched kept you heavily drugged, claiming it were for your own benefit. You didn’t talk to anyone else because Nurse Ratched told you that you couldn’t trust the other patients, and that the other nurses would only want to hurt you. She was the only one you were to talk to, you saw nothing wrong with this- she was the only person in your life, the only one you could trust, so of course she was the only person you could talk to.

However, there was the woman with lighter red-hair that had been coming in frequently and seemed to have an interest with your nurse, and this woman always made time for you which you liked even though you knew you weren’t supposed to talk to others.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” You look up from your book, big eyes filled with innocence at this older woman “I’m- I’m sorry but- but Nurse Ratched says I’m not- not s’posed to talk to ‘nyone but her. She says that I can’t trust anyone else because they-“ Your mouth snaps shut when you see her walking over to you with a small paper cup and a bigger one, one for your medication, the other for water. “Ms. Briggs, why are you pestering one of my patients?”

You thank Mildred for the medication and water before you take them then a big gulp of water to ease their journey into your stomach, opening your mouth so she can check to see if you have actually swallowed them. She smiles softly, her hand moving to stroke your cheek lightly before she picks the cups up “Good girl. You’ll have another few to take after dinner-“

“But- I thought I only needed the morning-“ You trail off, averting your gaze from hers when you notice her eyes harden and jaw set, your cheeks flushing you mumble “ ’m sorry Nurse Ratched.” The other woman shakes her head “I wasn’t pestering her, Mildred. I was simply wanting to get to know some of the patients here, and she seems to be alone every time I come in to visit you. Being in hospitals can be awfully lone-“

Mildred lets out an incredulous laugh, turning to face Gwen with her eyebrows raised in amusement “You think you know about being lonely?” She shakes her head before turning her attention back to you, she leans down and whispers in your ear causing your eyes to flutter shut “Don’t tell her anything, sweet girl. If you want to keep being my good girl, you’ll tell her nothing about your treatment or why you’re here. I’ll let your doubting of my medication dose for you off this time, but don’t do it again.”

You let out a shaky breath and nod your head slightly before picking your book up again to start reading it once more. Mildred moves away from you both, calling over her shoulder “If you don’t leave my patient alone, Gwendolyn, you won’t be allowed to step foot in here again. Stop pressing her for things you will never understand.” You bite your bottom lip to stifle your giggle, you always found it funny when Mildred scolds others- made you think that they were the ones behaving like animals and that you were the only other human apart from Mildred.

“Is she always like that with visitors?” You don’t look up from your book “Only with ones who don’t listen to her. Nurse Ratched deserves respect ‘cause she is Angel of Mercy.” You let out a frustrated sigh before closing your eyes and trying to take some calming breaths, loosing your place when reading always annoyed you to the point you would end up tearing pages from the book. When those breaths failed to calm your rising anger, you stood up, taking your book with you and making your way quickly to Mildred’s office; she told you that if you ever felt yourself getting angry that you were to come to her.

You pushed open the doors to her office as you made your way in, your head shooting up when you hear Mildred talking to that nurse you hated. Your cheeks flush and you stutter out an apology before you leave to wait outside, sitting outside and running your finger over the creases in the book cover. You could barely hear what they were talking about, but you could tell Mildred’s voice apart from Bucket’s, she sounded like she was bored with the conversation, and you couldn’t help but laugh at that before stifling the sound with your hands as to not disturb them any further.

“At least you remember that animals aren’t allowed on-“

“That is quite enough, Nurse Bucket. Patient Yln has improved greatly since being under my care, much better than what you would ever have been capable of. She is not an animal.” You smirk and stand up, taking a step closer to Nurse Bucket “You hear that, Betsy” you draw her name out like a child does when teasing someone “I’m not animal ‘nymore. But-“ You whimper when you feel Mildred’s firm grasp on your wrist. You shoot her a glance before looking at Nurse Bucket then down at the ground “I’m sorry for being rude to you, Nurse Bucket, it won’t happen again.”

The woman laughs “Make sure it doesn’t, or it’ll be a lobotomy that finds you.” You flinch at that possibility, raising your head to look at Mildred who is staring at Bucket. “No such thing will happen to my patient, Nurse Bucket. You do not get to dictate what treatments patients get here. I do. I am Head Nurse” she looks the woman up and down, sneering “and you are not. Go do your duties then go home. I don’t want to see you here until work tomorrow morning.”

Mildred leads you into her office, the doors closing behind her. She walks you over to a chaise lounge and sits you down on it before sitting next to you, her hand moving from your wrist to cup your cheek. “Now you have all my attention, sweet girl. What is it that you needed?” You melt into her touch, looking at the red-head fondly “I- I don’t remember, Nurse Ratched.” She narrows her eyes slightly “Are you telling the truth? Or do I need to force it out of you again?”

You gulp slightly and look away but Mildred grabs your jaw and forces you to look back at her “I thought you wanted to stay as my good girl…” Your eyes well up with tears, you do want to stay as being her good girl and you kept slipping up and nearly ruining that. “I- I do, Nurse Ratched. Please-“ She loosens her grip and returns her hand to your cheek, caressing it softly “Then tell me the truth.” You bite your lip hard before saying quietly “That- that lady kept trying to talk to me after you left and- and I said that Nurse Ratched deserves respect because she’s an Angel of Mercy. Then I lost my place in my book and I got annoyed but I couldn’t calm down so- so I came here like you said I should do when I feel myself getting angry.”

Mildred smiles proudly and your heart swells knowing that you were the reason for it, a shy smile tugging at your lips. “Good girl. You have come so far since being in my care. I think I’ve finally tamed the beast, hm?” You giggle and throw your arms around her, nuzzling your face into her neck- Mildred had said when you two were alone, you were allowed to touch her but you had to ask were you wanting to kiss her. “Thank you, Nurse Ratched. I- I- I wouldn’t- I’d be so alone without you.”

Your memory wasn’t as good as it use to be, you couldn’t remember how you actually ended up living with Mildred nor how you ended up being her servant.

Upon seeing your frown Mildred gives your cheek a light slap to gain your attention, raising an eyebrow inquisitively “What little thoughts do you have going on in that head of yours, puppy?” You look up at her, a light pink hue to your cheeks “I was just thinking about when I was in the hospital, Nurse Ratched, but then- then I couldn’t remember how I ended up here and as-“ She hushes you softly, crouching down so she’s at your level, her hands cupping your cheeks gently as her chocolate eyes gaze into yours “None of that matters, puppy, okay? All that matters is you are with me, you’re safe, and you are a very good girl.”

You sniffle and nod your head, some tears staining your cheeks which Mildred wipes away with the bottom of your apron, she hates how tears feel on her fingers. “Thank you, Nurse Ratched” you say quietly before picking up the floor scrubber again “I will finish the floor in the kitchen then I-“ She stands up, takes a cursory glance around then tips the bucket of soapy water over with the toe of her shoe “It isn’t clean. You will start again.”

You clench your jaw hard, a brief worry that you might crack some teeth crosses your mind before it clears again. You nod and start scrubbing the floor again, Mildred was right- the floor wasn’t clean, if she weren’t as kind as she is, she wouldn’t have told you this now, so you thank her for telling you. She rolls her eyes and presses down on your back until your elbows give in and you end up face-down on the wet soapy floor, letting out a frustrated whine “Nurse Ratched! I can’t-“ You cry out in pain as she applies more pressure, the heel of her shoe digging harshly into your skin, your thin blouse doing nothing to lessen the sting.

“You can’t? Well then… You can’t sleep in bed with me tonight. You will sleep on the floor because it seems like someone still has some bitch in her despite my best efforts to correct that behaviour.” You let out a broken sob, pleading pathetically for forgiveness but when the pressure left and you had no response, you knew that she no longer thought you were worth replying to.

You don’t know how long it took for you to clean the kitchen floor, but by the time you were done the sun had long since gone to sleep and there was light coming down the hallway from your bedroom. You got up and went to the laundry where you put the cleaning products away, making sure they were in the right place and labels facing forwards just how Mildred likes.

You removed your apron and soiled blouse, putting them in the small laundry basket next to the one Mildred uses. She said that until you learn how to be clean, you were only allowed to wear a thin blouse, apron, and plain underwear, and not to mix your laundry with hers. You learnt the hard-way that this rule was to never be broken- It took months for the cuts on your back to heal after she took to it with a metal ruler, you couldn’t make clothing dirty if you weren’t wearing anything other than underwear.

You made your way to your bedroom, ignoring the growl your stomach makes in hunger- you took too long cleaning the floor, so you weren’t given dinner. Before you step in the room you take a cloth from the small table just to the side of the door and spray it with disinfectant before wiping your hands then feet, putting it in the dirty bucket next to it. You enter the room and go over to the side of the bed Mildred currently is, sat up against the headboard reading the latest medical journal. Rubbing your eyes, you stretch before lying down on the plush mat she put there for you, a small mercy.

The only acknowledgement you get from her is a hand lazily stroking your side, the sensation calming enough for you to fall asleep quickly, mumbling quietly “Good night Millie.” The red-head closes her book and puts it on her side-table, looking down at you she allows herself to smile fondly. She thought you were perfect even if she acted otherwise, was she the one that tamed the beast in you? Or were you the one that actually tamed her?

[missdrarrydawn]

are—are kids that hail from abusive or neglectful homes more emotionally or mentally mature than kids that hail from loving homes or even sheltered homes?

i ask this because i'm 20 now, but i've been in fandom since i was 11 and i also happen to be one of those kids hailing from an abusive and neglectful environment.

because of the neglectful circumstances, i was never supervised or cared for properly so i was able to browse the internet unsupervised without any advice or cautionary measures put in place from that young age.

my interaction with fandom started at such a young age, hell, before i really hit puberty, but even at that very start, i never sent hate mail to other creators if i didnt like what they posted or it made me uncomfortable, i just simply—left the page, closed the tab and went and found something i did like.

it never even occurred to me to send hate or make posts demanding some piece of fanwork be erased or demanding fandom be turned into a 'child friendly' space, i very much, even at 11, simply thought 'if i dont like it ill just leave and read whatever else i do like'

i never thought about age even or thought someone was 'too old' to be in fandom or anything like that, i was just enjoying what i like in fandom and avoiding what i didn't like.

i never got involved in discourse or drama or cared about any of it, i didn't really even interact with others all that much, my fandom experience, at its very begginning, was very much solitary, just me in my bed reading fanfic and having fun.

i read the tags and warnings on things and decided whether or not i wanted to read them or engage with them and i never blamed anyone else for seeing something that made me uncomfortable if i made the choice to view it regardless of warnings.

at 11 i knew i was fully responsible for my experience, it just made perfect, logical sense to me, it wasn't something i was taught or had to learn, it was just my natural thought process

and i grew up with fandom, that mindset never changing. i still interact with fandom much the same way i did back then, engage with what i enjoy, avoid what i don't and never harrass anyone else over it.

however.

i've been seeing a lot of 'minors-in-fandom' discussions lately and every time they seem to revolve around the same thing: teens asking for fandom to change to make them more comfortable and protected and trying to police who should and shouldn't be part of fandom.

that is—astonishingly immature and it's inconceivable to me that any 15, 16 or 17 year old today would behave that way when i had figured out how silly that is when i was 11 and certainly had well established those opinions by the time i was 16 and 17 like them.

that makes me wonder though, did my upbringing somehow make me mature too quickly for my age, or was i just some insane outlier child? are kids more sheltered today? do abused kids end up growing up too fast and maturing past their peers who grow up in loving safe homes due to their unfortunate home life? can that even happen or is the idea of 'growing up too fast' a fluke?

i dunno, i wonder how its all connected because i feel like it is in some way

i been trying to figure it out since i was 16, and even now at 20 i have no idea what the answer might be, i wonder what other people think

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[traumagenix]

don't reblog

doing that thing from the last post

bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

[iammultifandomaf]

Chapter 43 - Story of Credence

BROTHERHOOD

"I accidentally entered through a portal to Hell - the christian kind. I don't even remember why I did that... I just saw something weird and went right into it. I guess I was curious? Not sure. Yeah and well... I was stuck there because I can't get myself to other realms by myself so to speak. The king of Hell, Crowley noticed my presence pretty soon. At first he was just enjoying the fact that I'm stuck and he has the upper hand. He did his research and knew who I was. But after some time, he grew bored and wanted to strike a bet. He said that if the next time a demon summoning happens, I go and pretend to be one and do everything that a demon would do. That I am supposed to make a deal with somebody to win their soul and drag it to hell, and for that, I'd be free. So, I agreed."

"You can take a soul to Hell?" Lydia asked astoundingly after releasing some smoke out of her mouth.

"No, not really. I was just supposed to take the person somewhere after I did whatever the deal entailed and some real demon would strip the human of their soul... which means killing him. At that time, I was thinking... if the person makes a deal with a demon, they'll die anyways, you know? Anyways... after some time, somebody did summon a demon... it was in London."

"Was it Credence?"

"Well... yes and no. Credence's story isn't really a happy one. Like at that time I didn't really care because I just wanted to get out of Hell as soon as possible and I knew when I took the bet that the person I'll be meeting will die eventually. However, I didn't expect that it would be a 11-year-old kid..."

"He was eleven when he summoned you?"

"Mmm, he didn't do it consciously. Credence and his twin brother, Ciel, where sold into... sex slavery basically-"

"What?"

"Yeah... and old creepy men and sometimes even women were using kids like him for fun and sometimes even buy them so they can abuse them at home. It was a messed up group of people for sure. Rich ones who had too much time on their hands. And one night, they decided to make a demon summoning for fun, using Ciel as the sacrifice. They did not expect, though, that Credence's emotional instability was exactly what a demon needed to latch onto him. So, I pretended to be a demon and asked him, if he wanted to make a deal for his soul and he agreed."

"He was just eleven, though."

"Yeah, I know... Credence was pretty smart for his age, though. He told me that for his soul he wants to destroy all his enemies who wanted to crush his family. He was a son of a lord and he made some people upset. So they got rid of the whole family. So, I just stayed by his side, helping him to find the ones responsible and eliminating them and him becoming the lord. I pretended to be his butler, actually. He decided to call me Sebastian."

"And you spoke french together?"

"Yeah... I taught him a few langugues amongst other things. It was hard not to get attached to him for sure. But I reminded myself of the deal I had with Crowley and tried to keep my emotions out of it. Credence was definitely afraid of me but as a lord's kid, he knew how to behave - so he didn't show it. But I felt it anyways."

"So what happened next? How did you become close?"

"Well, that starts with Crowley messing up the deal, he appeared at the mansion one day, saying that I can't fullfill my deal with Credence because the older twin brother, Ciel, survived, therefore Credence can't become the lord and I lost my bet with Crowley. That made me pretty angry so I made a scene kind of... however that rage fueled me enough to be able to break off that bet I had with Crowley and I stormed out of there, not having to return to Hell."

"You left Credence there alone?"

"Yeah... I regret that until today..."

A few days went by and Stolos noticed that his brother had finally "awoken".

"Mich, do you hear me?"

“Stolos! It's great to hear you. Where are you?"

"London, you?"

“Delhi... Wait."

At once, an Indian man with dark green eyes was standing next to Stolos who sent him a wide smile.

“I am glad that you are here, let me tell you what I've been through."

Stolos quickly explained to his older brother what had happened to him.

Michendros watched him carefully and then asked:"What about the child?"

“Credence? I don't know... I guess he'll be fine. He's a noble."

“Are you sure? Did you check? You already found him in a wretched place before-"

“Hm, yeah... I guess maybe... I should."

“You said he was a good kid."

“Yes, but what then? Where do I take him if he's somewhere place awful as you say?"

“Maybe just look for him first?"

“Alright. Could you maybe get us some place in the meantime? Or are you returning to India?"

“Um... well, I think we could get something here... maybe somewhere outside the city? I do want to return to Delhi, though. I have a mother there and I want to make sure she has everything she needs. She had me with an Englishman who was there for business and left her as soon as he found out she was pregnant. I can't leave her alone, you know."

“Oh yeah. Of course. And other siblings?"

“No, unfortunately my older sister died when I was seventeen."

“I'm sorry, Mich."

“Yeah, well, you know how it goes."

“Doesn't mean it's easy."

“Go on, now. I have a haunch that the kid needs you."

Stolos and Michendros departed then and the younger sibling returned to the mansion where he took care of Credence as a butler for the last three years.

“Michendros always brings me back somehow," Stolos thought as he focused on any trail that could help him find Credence. He couldn't use anything out of their demon-human contract because it was fake since the beginning, therefore Stolos couldn't take any information out of it. So, he just invited himself into the mansion and began looking for anything helpful.

Stolos only heard the servants going about the mansion and a child who wasn't Credence, though. He let himself teleport to the room where Credence's older twin was sitting at a table, probably reading some correspondence. Stolos didn't really want to bother with theatrics and simply just read Ciel's mind and popped ouf of the room before the child noticed his presence.

What Stolos found out made him feel nervous and angry at the same time. How could his own brother sell Credence back to the sex-slavery market. It's not like that Credence was trying to get Ciel's position as the heir of the family. He was just trying to live his life and get revenge on the ones who hurt them.

Stolos decided to change his appearance as he did not want anyone to associate him with the sex-slave trade, at least so he thought how he felt about it. After he casted an illusion of an mid-age man, he hurriedly teleported himself to a secluded house that seemed empty at the first glance. Stolos quickly walked to the big wooden door and knocked loudly.

After a minute or two, a slim-looking man with round glasses opened the door and raised his furry eyebrow at Stolos.

“How may I help you?" he asked.

“Um... I am here... to buy."

“Password?"

“Wine and cherries," Stolos said as soon as he found the answer inside the man's mind.

"Come on in," the man politely smiled and stepped aside to make space for Stolos who entered without hesitation, already trying to look for Credence with his senses.

“What do you have in mind? Female, male?" the man asked formally, as if he was selling something common as food or clothing.

“I actually am here for one particular boy, thirtheen-ish."

“Mm, good taste."

At this moment, Stolos had already went through everything what he needed to find in that man's head, though, and didn't really need his presence anymore.

“Let me-" the man started but his mouth was left open as the customer's hand blew up in fire and went straight to his face. In a split second, the man's head was smashed into the wall behind him, the impact cracking and burning his skull at once.

Stolos didn't wait long before popping himself into another room where according to the now dead man Credence should have been. He appeared in a dark room filled with stench that disgusted Stolos.

In front of him, a naked man was 'testing out the product' as the man with the glasses labeled it. The moment Stolos' eyes landed on that horrendous scene, the man's body flew to the wall behind him, clashing against it and leaving him limp on the floor.

“He doesn't belong to you," Stolos uttered through his teeth and quickly laid his coat over Credence who was numbly staring at the ceiling.

Stolos wasn't certain if he should reveal his identity right away or not, so he decided to put the boy to sleep first and figure it out later. With a snap of his fingers, Credence was clean and clothed properly and Stolos picked him up carefully, wrapping him into his coat as if it was supposed to comfort the now sleeping boy.

The next moment, he stood in a hallway of the new aquired house by Michendros who turned around to welcome his younger brother with a smile.

“That was fast," Stolos commented the house.

“Yes, well, I am pretty effective when I want," Michendros replied and his eyes landed on the boy in his arms.

“I was right about my feeling, huh?"

“Hm, I was too late..."

“At least you have him now," Michendros sighed, "where was he?"

“A disgusting place, really. I could never understand people who would rape kids."

“Yeah, I don't understand people who rape others. Period."

“I guess every one has a different way how to be monstrous."

“Do you want to do something about that place?"

“I haven't really had the time to think about it... But I guess after I put Credence down..."

“You know what, let me do the honors. You stay by his side. It was already enough that you left him once. And I think he'll need you after he wakes up."

“I am not sure if he will be excited to see me, again."

“That's why you look like an old man?" Michendros chuckled.

“Ugh," Stolos changed back into being the pale-looking, black-haired gentleman as before, "I guess. And I didn't want anyone to see me there."

“Alright, well, if you allow me, I'll need the address," Michendros said and touched Stolos forehead lightly and with a reassuring smile, he disappeared.

“Fine, so let's get you to a nice bed where you can rest," Stolos said softly and carried Credence to the first bedroom he found and laid him down, covering him with the duvet.

**Ian Somerhalder as Stolos**

**Sacha Dhawan as Michendros just w/ green eyes**

**young Finn Wolfhard as young Credence**

[zebra-warrior]

With having a disease in which such little is known about it I can definetly say, I've got a lot of hopes for the future, especially future generations diagnoses with EDS. You guys know the things I got through with this rather you believe the medical abuse and neglect is real or not others with EDS know that if anything I'm downplaying the extent of it so my hopes for the future is that this condition is incorporated into medical school training requiring a very minimum of one week spent on the topic of EDS and much more in anatomy on the functions of connective tissue as well as connective tissue diseases as a whole being discussed more in school. Another more immediate hope is that schools totally throw out the zebra and horse teaching mindset and quit educating students to only focus on common diseases. Even what little schooling I had it was as if they were telling us rare diseases don't exist at all. They totally discourage us from even thinking about rare diseases. I remeber being assigned to study and write a report on one medical conditon then speak about it in front of the class. The teacher said we could pick any one we wanted. Everyone in the class chose more common conditions like strep throat, upper respiratory infections, breast cancer, and a ddw other more common cancers, heart attack, pneumonia, the flu, diabetes, high blood pressue etc. I went home and searched the web for rare diseases, this was even before I knew I had a rare disease myself. I read up on several and came across one that seemed particularly interesting. Trusomy 13. I wanted to choose someting rare because I feel like the common ones have enough recognition, enough financial backing for research and frankly we're too easy. I wanted a challenge, I wanted to speed the word about an underdog in much news of awareness and to spark interest amongst my peers who may spread the word. Trusomy 13 is one that often takes the life's of an individual on infancy and causes a lot of complications so this is what I chose. The day the teacher went around the room asking all of us what we chose she got to me and I told her. She pauses and said don't you want to try something more common like everyone else? I said no, I like the challange. She said well I would really encourage you to pic something else like how about heart disease? Theres a lot of good information put there on that. I said no that's okay, I like my topic and I'll be able to find enough information on it. She then asked me to speak to her after class. After class she said look, I need you to pick a different topic. I asked why. She said because it's too hard. I told her to trust me I can do it. She then said that conditon is so rare I've never even heard of it in my entire career. I don't know what it is or anything about it and theres no way for me to be able to grade your report on a condition I don't know anything about. That's whan I said well you said we could pick anything at wanted. I picked something I find extremely interesting and that's what I want to do. Besides if you don't know anyting about it you can learn someting new. After a big more of a debate, reminding her several times that she said we can pick anything and that even if it's not common it exists she finally I think, realized she wasn't going to change my mind and caves so that was my report and I aced it. Just because someting is rare doesnt make it unworthy of being taught in school and by telling medical students not to even consider a rare disease in a patient is just setting the patient up for misstreatment by medical personel. One in 10 Americans live with a rare disease so allthough each disease may be rare, actual having one of those many diseases isn't all that rare itself so I hope this mindset is no longer instilled into the minds of students and it's removed from the corricilam.

In addition to changing teaching to no longer encourage students to only look for what's common when diagnosing a patient I believe they also need to crack down on and better educate on how to properly diagnose conversion disorder or what ever word they happen to use for it at the time and really any psychosomatic disorder as a whole. They need to teach then not to use it as a crutch for their lack of knowledge and address their egos making sure they are aware that not everyting was addressed in medical school so they in fact don't know everyting and shouldn't behave in a maker in which they think they do and in these cases where the patient goes years and years with going to doctor after doctor for help to listen to them. I also believe they should ban anyone without a psychology degree from being able to diagnose conversion disorder. If they would like to send the patient for a psych consult or they would like to simply state in the referral "suspected conversion disorder" or please assess patient for a psychosomatic disorder fine but in no way should diagnose it themselves, or write long notes about the patient to try to persuade the diagnosis. If someone were going to trial in court for a robbery you wouldn't allow the plaintiff to talk to the judge and jourey before the hearing allowing them to speak without the defendant present in order to persuade them to rule in their favor before the hearing. They want a court hearing to be unbiased a psychiatrist or psychologist should be able to unbiastly assess a patient and make the decission on their own.

Medical personel should be very throughly taught the dangers of an incorrect diagnosis, espexially a psychological misdiagnosis and the tendencies for this misdiagnosis to follow them around throughout their lifetine even if it was proven a misdiagnosis just because it was a diagnosis written in stone at one point in their life. They need to know how this can totally ruin the care a patient. If they do this and it's a wrong diagnosis they should be required to have all records be amended by law if something like this happens and is later proven to be a false diagnosis. This is why this kind of diagnosis is only safe in the hands of someone who has spent a large portion of their schooling learning it from inside out like a psychologist or psychiatrist. This is my hope for the future. No one should ever have to go through what I went through and every other EDS patient I have ever known has gone through and likely will go through the rest of their life because misdiagnosis it not medical personel use this label as a crutch. A crutch they permenantly brand is with. Conversion Disorder and "I don't know" are not interchangeable and and should not be used this way. If a doctor does this I believe they are breaking not only the code of ethics but also their oath to do no harm and should have their license revoked. They may not be killing a person directly but by labeling them with this because they don't want to deal with it follows the patient around for life, limiting their access to care, prolonging a proper diagnosis, postponing treatment and ultimately taking years off of their life and forcing them to suffer so in the end you have shortened their life and made them live much sooner lives then they would have otherwise because you couldn't work yourself up to say you didn't know something.

Medical field asside, in the future I hope to see massive changes to insurance. Make all insurance equal like that if medicare for all so that more people are having issues with coverage and someting has to be done about it. The flaws in Medicare exposed and resolved. I would like to see the formulary overhauled and at the very least EDS added to it but what I would aultimatly like to see is a person's eligable for a medication no longer based off of the condition they have but based on the symptom they are experiencing. If they remove eligability based on condition, this will remove discrimination based on disorder resulting in people with rare diseases not being denied necessary treatment. Not long ago insurance companies were allowed to deny a person coverage if they had pre-existing conditions but when they took that away the formulary got tighter as a result. This allowed them to insure everyone so they had a physical card stating they had insurance while still denying a large portion of the sickest access to treatment. Obama seemed to try to resolve this. Things were far from perfect but it had improved but then when trump stepped into office to change medicare he ultimately further tightened the formulary as it pertains to rare diseases patients making it so that its nearly impossible to dispute denials. We used to be able to dispute them, a doctor would send in some medical documents showing the effectiveness of a medication, treatment or surgery or explain why we another medication, treatment or doctor would not be appropriate and it would be approved but now it's nearly impossible to have the decission changed when filing a dispute. Now what the formulary says goes no matter what if you're rate and don't have the FDA approval for that medication being used for that purpose causing rare disease patients to be out of luck, forced to be treated with something not likely to work, someting that can cause more harm to the body in the long run, someting that can improve one condition but worsen another or simply not recieve treatment at all so my hope for the future is for insurance to be changed for the better. Not just for the better if EDS patients but for the better of all rare disease patients.

Next I would like more awareness and financial backing provides to the Ehlers Danlos Society and other places needing funding for EDS research as a whole. EDS has no cure and no FDA approved treatments. I would like to see this changed. Very little is known about connective tissue. So little in face that scientists don't even know what it actually is. It wasn't even suspected until 2018 that connective tissue may even be an organ and we still don't know for sure. It was also discovered that nerve endings may actually connect to connective tissue and those tissues are capable of feeling pain from damage to them. It was thought for years EDS patients don't have pain and that that aspect was all in their head until that recent discovery which now ranks it one of the most painful diseases a person can live with. With 2018 being really the tip of the iceburg knowledge about the conditon we are hundreds of years behind on the knowledge other diseases have and hundreds of years behind on research. It's like living with Type 2 Diabetes or Breast Cancer in the 1700's. I would like more awareness, more education in schools as more financial backing to be supplied to this disease. I don't want to have this condition labeled as the most ignored (I used ignored because it won't let me use the actual word for uncared for) medical condition in modern medicine. It has held that title since 1965. It's held that title for 55 years. The most neglected conditon and nothing has been down to change this over the last 55 years. Something needs to change. I also wish that a cap would be put on some conditons for research. Sure a cure would be nice for everyting but if there's a treatment that is extremely effective why not give give a percentage of that money to an underdog conditon. One that doesn't even have as much as one medication to help it in order to help them to try to catch up, even if it's just a little bit.

My hopes for the future are that these patients have all of this. They are believed, they are not treated like a psych case or a burdon, a diagnosis isn't delayed years and years, they have access to treatment even if it doesn't have FDA approval, recognizing this condition as a cause of disability, learning more about it and possibly just one treatment. Awareness goes a long way and it starts there. No one diserves what eds patients go through now and I hope no in in the future has to and they can seek medical treatment without fear, without being sent home worse then when they came, without being left without care, without harm from medical professionals and that they are held accountable but if course this would also involve a change in society as a whole as its not just medical professionals who are only in the career for the money, to get their 12 hours in so they can go home and to take short cuts and the easy way out. There's a lot that need changed but humanity also isn't what it used to be when people took pride in their jobs and wanted to not only get things done but get them done right.

Below are some pictures that show some of this. The last three to together and I'll explain these. It'd the McGill Pain Scale, a scale doctors use to tell them the average amount of pain a person with a speciffic condition is in. It has since been updated but at the time of the study posted in the two lower pictures the bottom scale was used and it's vary similar to the update one. CRPS is rhe most painful condition on the pain scale ranking in at a 42 out if 50. In the study below 273 EDS patients participated in the study taking the same test to measure the McGill Pain Index Ranking. Of all of the participants 89% of them were already on medication a for pain at the time of the study so we're tested based on their pain levels on medication. The results calculated their pain essentially on a good day during the week and a bad day. The average moderate pain (good day pain) came on with a median score of 43 out of 50. The high pain levels or (bad day pain level) median score was 45 out of 50. This was with 89% of them being on pain medications. Could you imagine the scores of they were weaned off of those medications or hadn't been on any medications when they were tested? EDS was not added to the updated McGill Pain Index for one simple reason. That being because patients were on medication for pain so it was considered to have flawed the results.

#myEDSchallenge #myHSDchallenge