#feeling like a failure

[safe-haven-safe-place]

[vampirel0re]

Dropped out of uni and thought I’d be happy but I just feel like a failure….i wanna go back to studying but I know my mental state is not ready for that rn. I just want to be successful and stop feeling numb all the time…

Seeing my friends thrive and be close to graduating makes me wanna just cry, I’m proud of them but I’m also so jealous that I can’t have what they do. Their parents are proud of them and everything is going so well for everyone around me, meanwhile my parents just being mad at me for dropping out & thinking I’m not mentally ill just saying I’m making it all up cuz I don’t wanna work hard….😭😓

[liesmultixxx]

i hate it when something good happens to me and initially i’m happy about it

but then after a while, doubts creep up on me and i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy

[magicoleanders]

.

[queen-of-weird-girl-nation]

I’m so mean to my mom

For context, I got an injury on my arm and neck. It’s getting better but I needed to really rest it.

my mom told me to go and take the bin out, and I was upset because my neck and arm hurt. I did it bc I had to but I was rlly upset. Our bin bags are rlly heavy and you have to throw it in

I am now in a lot of pain and came back complaining about it. She said sorry but it didn’t sound sincere, it felt like the kind of sorry that parents give to make u shut up.

and I pressed the issue, because it really hurt. And my mom got really angry and yelled that she was sick and that she was grieving. (My grandma passed away and my mom hasn’t been feeling well about it). She called me ungrateful and said that I didn’t realise how much she was going through.

so I felt angry but also bad. And she came to me and started lecturing me. When she’s mad she starts lecturing me on all the stuff that I’ve done wrong (the dishes, studying, church etc) so I brought up how making me do labour intensive chores when I’m healing from an injury then not properly apologising wasn’t nice either

and then she talked a lot about how sad and alone and miserable and grieving she was, and I brought up how whenever she talked so much about how much she was affected by this and venting to me, her preteen daughter, made me really uncomfortable/ worried. Now this makes me feel bad, but her venting can be really worrying (saying she wanted to unalive herself, crying a lot, ect) and that’s when she stopped being angry and said sorry for the garbage thing. She sounded rlly bad (I’m low-key scared about her mental health)

I feel bad. But also upset at her. But also petty, bc i feel like I was making a big fuss about nothing, esp to a grieving single mother who just came back from a long shift and he’s to deal with 2 kids. But also upset at her bc my injuries were on track to healing and her trauma dumping is really hard for me.

She’s been nothing but nice since the argument.

I’m a mess rn.

[renyerokami]

domestic problems venting

I can be having a good/meh/ok day home alone. and then my partner comes home and I say one thing wrong. not even thinking that it could be something that could be taken badly, and my night is ruined. because if I apologize for upsetting him it's "overacting" or "turning him into the bad guy" and I'm "being too much" around him after he's had a bad day. which half the time I don't even know he's had a rough time because he won't have spoken to me at all while he's at work. so then I have to spend the rest of the night being completely neutral while not being too obvious in my body language, or tone, or anything that I'm at all upset. because that will only make things worse. the best I can hope for is that he will ignore me the rest of the night. most likely there will be a panic attack and I'll be left scrambling for how best to help him when I now don't have the emotional energy left to want to. and at worst he'll find something to get angry about, start a fight/start yelling at me, and then leave me with the silent treatment for a few days (which can happen after a panic attack too but usually without the aura of hostility).

today for me started off with not having the energy to leave bed until after 10am, then sitting around in decision paralysis until 2pm. finally opening the game that I had been planning to play all day and then my Partner started messaging me to figure out dinner. in there was a single mention of "I'd really rather not run to Walmart, I'm having enough issues today". that was the only notice I had that things weren't ok for him. he asked me to bring down a shirt when he got home and when I did I started talking about what I found out while playing BG3. he says "thanks for the spoilers" and I stopped and apologized. I just get excited when I learn things and I wanted to share it. but then he told me to stop "overplaying my sorrow and start making dinner". in hindsight i should have seen that as him being overstressed but i thought he was just mad about the spoilers. with him there isnt much difference in outward show. but that the last words he spoke to me. instead he ranted loudly in the shower for a while and then went silent to me when he got out. 2 hours later I got this discord message:

I can't tell you how much I genuinely want to believe you give one flying fuck about me anymore. I said I'd been having a lot of issues today and apparently out right saying it isn't even enough to get something resembling legitimate care or concern from you. When you came into the bathroom to give me my shirt I could feel the exhaustion and misery on my face so I can only imagine it must have been pretty noticeable. What did you give me? A smile, a slight chuckle, and then you started going off about meaningless bullshit. You couldn't even be bothered to give me a hug or ask me how I was doing/what was wrong. Honestly, it fucking hurt. It hurt a lot and this is just one part in an ever growing pattern of behavior that I have tried to make you aware of and you've shown little to no sign that you are, or even care to, work on it. The best I get are seemingly empty platitudes of " I'm going to talk about it in therapy" or "I'm working on that woth Kevin", but there never seems to be any signs of actual progress, so I'm left to question if you are actually doing any of what you are saying you are doing, or just feeding me lies that you think I want to hear. I don't expect you to be perfect and get it right everytime I'm feeling down or have had a bad day, but honestly it doesn't even feel like you try to support me anymore, and that really stings because I have been working really hard and putting in an honest effort into fixing my shit so I can be a better person, not just for myself, but for you and everyone else I give a damn about.

Now I feel like complete shit because I didn't notice that he was having a bad day. and I've been doing nothing but support him for the past 14 years. yes things got rough a couple years ago when I needed him to help me too, when my own mental health couldn't handle things anymore during the pandemic. but through all of the struggles I have been there for him as best as I could. and I am working on things in therapy, but when even simple things can get taken the wrong way or a missed phrase in a message can lead to being ripped to shreds it leaves me feeling like the best way I can fix things is by removing myself. because I can't mess things up if I'm not around to.

[jimkirkachu]

You know what? I am so fucking insecure that Captain Kirk, Fred Rogers, and Christ Himself could magically appear before me, hold my hands, earnestly tell me something like "You have value" or "You are worthy of being alive" or "You deserve to be loved" and (through endless sobbing and wailing, of course) I would fucking argue with them about it until they all killed themselves out of frustration.

[foreverrain7]

I know this makes me such a nasty person, but when someone gets something or does something nice, I always get a little bitter. Not for like things like getting a degree or doing a getting a promotion at work but more life things. Like buying a house, or getting a pet, or having financial freedom. Because those are things I probably will never have.

Having a loving family, having a childhood home, having a safe and comforting space, travelling freely, and finding love. Hanging out with friends, meeting new people, finding hobbies, and going to the movies. Living like my age...

I rather had to grow up too early and now feel guilty to dream. Makes me a little bitter, pathetic, and people pleasing.

In my next life, I wish to be born in the most average family whose love would be so overbearing. With dreams taller than the sky and with more courage. I wish the wait to there is shorter and the time spent there is much much longer.

[splittingpotenzial]

You manipulated, gaslighted and lied to me

and i was fighting for us.....

[panicismydefaultstate]

I don’t even know what I did wrong. They stopped talking to me. They stopped opening my messages. They stopped caring, or maybe they only stopped pretending that they were even caring in the first place. For so many years I have wondered what I did wrong. Have I missed something? What did I do? I don’t think I’ll ever know. And that all hurt. It hurt so much. I thought I had healed, come to peace with it all. But maybe I was also pretending like it didn’t hurt me anymore when it still does.

Cause fuck it hurts

[liesmultixxx]

hey, i know we don't talk/interact much but i just wanted to say that i love seeing your blog on my dash and that you deserve all wonderful things in this world<3

ik what it feels like to feel like you've lost all hope and that life isn't worth living. im not going to spread toxic positivity, some times life does fucking suck, but you have to make it through the shit to get to the wonderful on the other side. it's absolutely okay to feel all of the negative and bad emotions, they're part of being alive, but try not to let them overcome you.

theyre are people in this world that would genuinely be sad if you weren't here anymore, whether those people are close friends, or teachers, or just a stranger on the internet (myself included)

if you ever want/ need to talk, my dms are always open<3

this is so sweet, thank you so much for taking the time to write this!!!<3 i appreciate it more than you could possibly think.

I guess i just feel overwhelmed- university is so difficult and i spend hours and hours on stuff and still i have a million more things to do whereas my friends don’t seem to struggle at all

they maintain a personal life able to go out and stuff and i for some reason can’t do that

anyways sorry for ranting…

[devnicolee]

Getting back into writing feels amazing but also weird lol cause I am hesitant and thinking does anyone still care about any of my WIPs lol but I also want to finish them so bad and owe @muse-of-mbaku the end of her commission that has taken me an embarrassingly & shamefully long amount of time (please forgive me!!).

This last year has just been so tough and left no energy, time or creativity for writing anything. But finally emerging from all that and it feels good to get back into something I loved and a fandom I loved and missed so much.

But the key to getting back into it is just to do it so putting my feelings of awkwardness behind me and I’m jumping in lol *opens doc for Hidden Love*

Anndddd that’s the end of my midnight existential crisis lmaooo

[homoyang]

i'm tired, i should sleep but i don't want tomorrow to come

[tryingthoughts]

I often feel a sort of restless creative energy. I need to do something, make something, write something, but I don't. I don't do those creative urges because I can't deal with the consequences of not finishing a creative project.

last night I wrote a little note to my future self and drew some stuff all over it. it was nice to do something again. there's a little castle on a mountain, a pair of dungarees, a train, a fish, some lavender. and i really like the page. it felt good to do that. I felt a little bit of relief in the process.

[emotionalbisaster]

Today I made this. 

Being a bisexual, non-christian, single , still an undergraduate unversity student at the age of 25 is certainly not something my mother imagined for me, and she makes sure to let me know this.

So if anyone finds this relatable, this picture goes out for you.