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writingsfromhome · 25 days

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Dos and Don’ts III

A/N: firstly apologies for the wait and secondly I absolutely did not want to cut this into another part but here we are 😢 I think this will change some ppls opinions oops dont hate me

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

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I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was off in my life; I felt disconnected from myself, my friends, and most importantly from Gray. But getting Gray to communicate when he didn’t want to could feel like pulling teeth. And I was no dentist.

I figured the solution was to stubbornly throw myself into work. After all, with Harry’s European tour starting March there was always a lot to do.

“Nice of you to get here so early,” Harry says as I step off the elevators just before 9–an hour later than I usually do.

“I had dry cleaning to pick up,” I ignore his sarcasm. “Your tour fits aren’t going to magically appear in the penthouse as nice as that would be for me.”

I keep my tone light, joking, but it’s passive just as he is. And he can’t call passive out.

That’s what working for Harry has been like since December. It was winter outside these walls and inside.

I had originally decided to let it all go after sitting with the party’s events that weekend but upon arriving to work Harry had been particular asshole-ish and I decided two could play at the game. It was like the holiday party never happened. And I was okay with that.

“If they did, I wouldn’t need you would I?” Harry takes on the same tone I do.

Asshole, “yeah, how nice would that be.”

I walk away to his closet to hang up the garment bags.

“You still have two fits that need final fitting. For today, you’ve got a 2pm for your ear plugs and monitors,” I say as I walk back into the main living space. I take in Harry in his bathrobe and bedhead and realize he must be hungover. Which meant extra grumpy. “Also a meeting before noon with Jeff—he’s sick so he’ll do a Zoom. And rehearsals start tomorrow at 8am.”

The long-awaited tour he was rehearsing for was 2 months long and with his tour manager joining him I’d be kind of redundant. We agreed I’d start the tour with him, and then end it as he came back to the UK but I’d take a break in between.

“Good,” Harry sits on a barstool and as the robe parts I hoped he was wearing something underneath. “Are you joining rehearsals?”

“Tomorrow yeah,” I instinctively start tidying the coffee table littered with Harry’s activities from last night. There’s empty bottles and unused rolling papers, takeout containers and unopened bottles.

“Can you stop that,” Harry snaps. He’s wincing when I look up. “The clinking—it’s too loud.”

His second statement comes out softer but it doesn’t make him any less irritating.

“I’ll just toss these ones,” I take the ones I’d gathered in my hand.

“So,” he carries on with the earlier conversation. “Just tomorrow yeah?”

“Yep, to make sure everyone’s there, forms are signed, and all that. Jeff will drop by too. Otherwise I’ll just be there once a week or so since I have other things to complete.”

“So you’ll enjoy the full glory of the show once it’s live on stage?”

“I guess.”

“Please y/n reign in the excitement, it’s just too much.” Harry flexes his sarcasm again.

I look up from the other side of the island and lock eyes with him. With one bottle still in my hand I don’t put it in gently, instead letting it drop onto the others in the bin. His face twists in pain and I get my hit of satisfaction.

“I am excited,” I continue. “I’ll be more excited when you get on tour but right now I’m buried under an insane amount of logistics and stuff. So I’m just pacing myself.”

“Glad you got that out of your system,” he slides off the stool. “Are you sure you want to join tour? It takes a toll.”

“What? Am I taking up the space you reserved for groupies?” I goad.

He pretends to think, “No…we’ve got a whole other bus for that.”

“Great,” I smile. “Then I’ll definitely be there for the start of your tour, cheering you on.”

“Not too hard though,” Harry grabs a water from the fridge and heads towards the bedrooms. “Can’t have all of y/n’s enthusiasm overshadowing my fans.”

I roll my eyes behind his back and choose not to respond, as tempting as it was.

By the end of the week I’ve met everyone that’ll be joining the tour, taken copies of a million contracts and filed a billion papers.

It’s Saturday night and we’re heading home from the studio. Harry, in a twist of kindness, offers to drop me home.

“You don’t live too far,” he comments as we get closer to my building.

“Yeah, I was surprised with that.” It was a stroke of luck having a short commute.

“How does Mr. Duran feel about you coming on tour?”

I throw him a look but he sits there smug, waiting. “Well he’s not keen on me being away from home for so long but otherwise he’s fine.”

“Is he?” Harry extends his knee to nudge mine, irritating me. Just a few more minutes.

“Yes.” I turn to look out the window, no longer interested in the conversation. In reality Gray had been pretty upset that I’d be travelling the continent with womanizer Harry Styles. I’d soothed his fears but he was hard-headed about it.

Originally I’d saved the conversation to be had after New Year’s to not ruin the holidays but Josie had brought up tickets for the tour during Christmas dinner and although I played it off then, he’d been in a mood since.

“You’re an awful liar,” Harry says. I don’t respond. Luckily I’m home.

I figured Sunday, on my day off, Gray and I could catch up and spend quality time together. Maybe iron out some of our kinks. But he tells me he had a few sessions and I’m left alone for most of the day, convinced Gray booked them on purpose but not wanting to admit what that meant.

The following Thursday night, Gray and I finally collide after I’d spent the week stewing in my anger and anxieties.

“Why won’t you just talk to me? I feel like I’m living with a stranger these days.” The conversation starts out semi-tamed as we wash up for dinner.

“You feel that way? Well I’ve seen my fiancée for less than 48 hours a week this last year. Talk about being a stranger.”

“I’ve been taking more time off,” I wonder when he decided to count the number of hours. But it was true—I’d started doing a half-days on most Saturdays and coming home earlier on week nights. Like tonight, I’d been home by half past 6. “I’ve been trying to spend more time at home.”

“Too little too late,” Gray mutters.

“What?”

“I just mean,” he sighs. “I…y/n, we barely get time together. We’re like flatmates these days aren’t we? We haven’t-“

“Don’t you dare Gray,” I wasn’t having this. I refused to hear what he was trying to get at.

“Y/n don’t be difficult-“

“Difficult!? You can’t go radio silent on me and then decide 3 years can just go down the drain.”

“I’m not saying that-“

“Then what are you saying!?”

The silence rings to the corners of our kitchen. The dishes are long forgotten, suds drip down my elbow and onto the floor, and Gray’s towel hangs like a white flag beside him.

“You knew what this job meant—you work with the same clientele, and you encouraged me to go for it. I’m trying to be better I don’t get it.” I finally say.

“I’m saying something needs to change.”

What takes me back the most is the even—even apathetic, tone. It’s the fact that he must have been thinking on this for long enough to be so level-headed about it.

Who has he talked to, I wonder. His sister? Our friends? Who’s advised him to go in this direction because the Grayson I know wouldn’t do me like this. Couldn’t.

Are you even the y/n Grayson knows, a small voice asks in my head.

“We’ve changed, I get it.” My tone takes a pleading ring to it and I hate it. “But you can’t just decide this isn’t worth fighting for Gray-“

“I’m not Y/n,” he puts the towel to the side and grabs my arms. “I’m not throwing anything away but we need to bloody figure something out because…I’m unhappy. And can you really say our relationship is the same? Can you call what we’re in a relationship?”

“Why not?” I whisper, tears choking me. “I thought we love each other and we support each other and-and we see each other through thick and thin.”

“I love you,” Gray squeezes. “And I know we’ve seen each other through thick and thin but…I don’t know if I can keep supporting you at the expense of us.”

“Well what do you want?” I look up into his brown eyes. They’re steady like they usually were.

“I want you, selfishly. I want all of you.”

He had what he wanted, didn’t he get that? He had me. I don’t know what more of me I could give him. And that thought tears me right through.

“What happened to setting a date?” Gray steps back and takes his steady grip with him. I sink into the countertop behind me. “What happened to planning for our future? Marriage and kids and buying a home and doing something more?”

His voice raises as he talks.

“I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for the last year! Just waiting around for you. I don’t know how much longer I can wait-“

“We can set a date,” I say. “We can do all that! You-you haven’t brought up any of it either! If it’s been weighing on your mind why don’t you ever just say something!?”

“I shouldn’t have to!”

I’d hit a nerve. We’d had this conversation a dozen times.

“Of course you do! Like, I’m not a mind reader you’ve been stewing in these feelings for god knows how long and now you’re telling me you’re thinking of-of-of ending things!?”

There, I’d said it.

His face contorts into a flurry of emotions. My body feels ragged just saying these things out loud.

“When I spoke to Stewart and Bex they said-“

“Stewart and…” I was right he’s been talking. “You were talking to Stew and Bex!? Since when did you spend time with Bex?”

“Since I had a lot of time alone at home.”

Fuck, he managed to get the upper hand all the time with that one valid point he had.

“They both agreed with me that this isn’t right. I’m allowed to be upset and ask you for something to change-“

“But why didn’t you talk to me!” The switch to anger is quick when he admits he was talking to our friends. I think about the last few times we saw them—had they been judging me? Had Gray told them by then?

Gray tries to brush past and tell me more about his validated feelings, about how things had changed. I can’t hear anymore.

“This decision you seem to want to make for both of us should involve me too and yet you make it the talk of the town before consulting me. I’m so goddamn tired of the way you shut down Gray I-“

“I’m tired!” He butts in. “I’m tired of watching things change and being forced to move past it.”

I stare at him. He’s not bending whatsoever. He’s not even understanding the frustration at being the last to know his feelings on our fucking relationship. Didn’t he understand how iced out that made me feel? When I’ve been trying to be as mindful as I can?

“You know what Gray,” I sneer. “You talk about us changing but did you ever think that we’ve been changing since we first met!? The only thing that’s different now is we stopped talking!”

I throw the rest of the dishes into the soapy water and storm out to the only safe haven I had right now—our bed.

Everyone wanted parts of me I couldn’t give and I felt torn to shreds! I hardly recognized the girl in the mirror, I hardly remembered what it felt like to be me.

The only time I felt centered, a bit of calm, was here. With Gray.

And now I knew the feelings weren’t mutual. He’d been thinking of ending things while I had curled in his arms. While I had kissed him goodnight and hello. While we had dinner or drinks. While we hung out with friends who were privy to all the cracks in our relationship. Who knows how long it had been a one-sided feeling.

I bury my head into my pillow wanting to scream and cry at the same time. My head hurts but mostly my heart hurts. I feel betrayed by my bestest friend and the person I love the most.

You’re no better, the ugly voice in my head shows up again. You’ve done things you should be ashamed of.

I block the voice out. I block it all out until all I feel is numb.

Gray doesn’t come to bed at all that night. I drag myself out of the nest I’d created some time around midnight, thinking he fell asleep on the sofa. To tell him to come to bed since I knew our sofa wasn’t long enough for him to even fit on.

I sway in the middle of the empty living room. There’s nobody here. Definitely not Gray. He’d left altogether, to wherever he’s been finding refuge recently.

It hits me; I think I’ve done this to myself. I was alone. Really alone.

***

The scowl is permanently etched onto my face as I go about my Friday morning. I feel Harry’s eyes on me a few times but even he doesn’t broach the subject. We silently maneuver around each other until he leaves for rehearsal.

I think about calling my friends to talk about this but I realize all my friends who were up to date on my life had become interwoven with Gray’s. And I already know Gray complained about my job to them based on a few parties last year. So they definitely wouldn’t be unbiased listening to anything I said.

I regret then, not staying in touch more with my friends back home. For the first time in years I feel a bit homesick.

I decide busying myself with work would be the only thing to keep me sane so I throw on headphones and get down to business.

As the day starts to come to an end I put on Harry’s stereo with the mournful songs that had been comforting me today and grab a seltzer from the fridge. He wouldn’t be home until 8 tonight and he’s always been open about using whatever was in the general living spaces.

So I nearly have a heart attack when I see a shadow from the corner of my eyes around 6.

I give a shout when it comes with a voice and once my senses return I realize it’s just a sweaty Harry back early from rehearsal.

“What? Are you doing here!?” I press on my pounding heart. “Alexa music off.”

He’s grinning at the way I reacted and now he laughs, it’s a bending-over laugh and I chuckle myself as I replay how dramatic it all was.

“Wow.” He says when he finally catches his breath. “I wish I had that on video.”

“Jesus,” I swear. “I thought you’d be home a lot later.”

“So this is what happens when I’m not home,” he teases.

“Only on Fridays,” I collapse into the closest chair and tilt my head back. “God, I thought there was like, an intruder or something. Or a ghost.”

He laughs again, moving to the kitchen for a water. “Good thing ghosts don’t exist.”

“They so do.” I reply.

“There’s no proof that’s ever convinced me they exist.”

“You live a sad skeptical life Mr. Styles.” My breathing is finally regulated and I sit up to look at him. “I’ve seen one myself when I was a teen. I wish I could be a disbeliever like you.”

“You’ll have to tell me the story,” he leans on the island looking very amused.

“I will,” I accept his challenge.

“I cut rehearsals short,” he continues. “I’m knackered from this week. I just want to be one with my couch and get drunk and not worry about what moves to do and what song to sing.”

“Yeah,” he looked tired and his hair was getting a bit shaggy. He runs his hand through the damp curls. “I need a shower and I think I should do a trim.”

“Consider it booked,” I pull the phone towards me and text his usual stylist. I hear him move around the space and pause before he disappears down the hall.

“Are you heading home soon?” He asks.

“Hm?” I kill time responding, acting like I didn’t hear his response. I didn’t want to go home at all. I didn’t even know if Gray was home or not and I didn’t want to find out. Harry repeats his question. “No. I wanted to wrap up some things. I can move to the office if you wanted the space to chill out?”

He shrugs and tells me I could go where I want.

I wanted to be out of the way, and not home. So I move to the office. The same office where weeks ago I’d teetered on the edge of a fatal decision and now was faced with the possibility of that decision made for me.

I slump in the seat and take a moment to just decompress. A headache creeps around my eyes and I just feel lost and hurt and alone.

When I break the laptop open again I move like a slug, scraping the barrel of effort and coming up with nil.

“Uh y/n?” Harry’s head pops into the door a while later.

“Yeah?” I blink up at him, still in slug mode.

He stares at me a second, “Do you have plans tonight? You could…join me in doing nothing?”

When was the last time I did nothing? I couldn’t remember. And it sounded like a distraction—not a good one, but one that helped me avoid home for longer.

“Sure?” I respond.

Harry blinks. “Oh. Brilliant. Finish what you’re doing if you’d like or you can join me now. Oh. Could you also order us some pizza or something that’s greasy and bad for us?”

I liked the direction of this. I feel my sluggish feeling slide away. “I can do that.”

“Good. Great. This is going to be a good night.”

He moves away as he talks and his last sentence is shouted from down the hall. I smile, relieved to do something like this.

I consider texting Gray, but decide against it. He left last night without a word, making me worried and today there’s been radio silence. I wasn’t in the mood to take the high road.

I do as Harry asks. Meanwhile Harry had put on some peppier music and brought out a six-pack from the fridge. His head is buried in the pantry rummaging through.

“What do you need?” I come up behind him.

“Oh,” he pops out. “Looking for some sweets. I’m sure I have some somewhere.”

“Oh yeah!” I close the doors he’s looking in and open the top cabinet. His eyes light up when he spots the options. “Food’s on its way by the way.”

He rubs his hands and starts pulling things off the pantry. It’s a different energy than any before, he’s not picking on me or ordering me around. He’s just inviting me to be on the ins with him. My instinct is to stay quiet and see where it goes but I shake it off.

“Are we just playing with beer tonight or is wine on the menu?” I ask. I hated the taste of beer.

“It could?” He unloads the pile in his arms onto the island and starts rummaging through the wines. “How about this one?”

A white. I take it from him and head for some glasses.

We end up making a buffet for ourselves on the coffee table and when the pizza comes we settle in, chatting occasionally about the things around us.

“So what does doing nothing involve?” I ask when we’re situated on the couch. Harry’s left a few feet of space between us which is very appreciated. I pull my feet up. “Because I have to say it’s been a while and I don’t know how to do nothing.”

He laughs, throwing his head back. I find myself grinning in response.

“Touché mon amie.”

“Okay I actually got that,” I nod.

“Do you speak french?” He asks as he opens the wine and pours us both a glass, mine’s a lot more full than his.

“No but I spent a month in Paris when I was in uni,” I savour the sour flavours of the wine as it coats my mouth and settles me down. “So I learned the bare minimum. Now all I can say is bonjour, ca beigne? And also un verre du vin s’il vous plait?”

“So you cut right to the chase—hey are you alright? A glass of wine thanks. Now leave me alone.”

We laugh and I hold up my glass, “I was hoping you’d get the hint. Why is mine so full anyway?”

“I’m just drinking some so you don’t have to drink it alone. Then I’m gonna crack on with the beer.”

“Oh!” There he had to go and be thoughtful again. “Forget it, I will happily drink the bottle. Drink whatever you want.”

“Yeah?” He leans forward to put his glass down.

I lean over and pour his measly amount into mine. “There, you’ve done the sharing part.”

“So y/n,” he asks after we’ve grabbed our respective snacks of choice. “Can I ask why you were listening to all those ballads before I came in?”

“I need to get a bit more drunk before I do that,” I down some more wine, already feeling the buzz of it. Obviously this was not the cheap wine I generally had.

“Alright we’ll get you there,” he promises. His eyes flicker from his phone to me and back to his phone. “Uhh could I show you something?”

“Like what?”

“We’re releasing the MV for one of my songs a week before I go on tour right.”

“Right,” I name the single that’s been thrown around countless times this week.

“I got back the deck for what it’ll look like. I’m excited can I show it to you?”

It’s endearing, in a way, how eager he is to show it. His cheeks even have spots of pink.

“Uh yeah! Let’s see it!”

“Cool,” he grins. He turns on the TV and casts whatever video is on his phone to the screen. He gives me some background on how it was setting up a whole storyline and how they’ve already started filming some of the scenes.

“The shooting starts the week after this one right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be in Scotland for a few days. You’re joining me right?”

“Yes! I’m excited to see all the action myself.” I had signed up for the 4-day trip with zero hesitation. As someone who’s always been making up stories and concepts to most music I listened to, getting to see the bts for an MV was a dream come true.

“Really?” He asks.

“Yeah, it’s real excitement I promise.”

“You’re interested in it?”

“Yeah! I love music videos, it creates a whole new experience for a song we’ve probably listened to on repeat. It’s cool!”

“So this is y/n really enthusiastic,” he leans back in the cushions to get me in full. “Now I really know you couldn’t give a rat’s arse about tour.”

“Stop saying that!” I laugh. “I was just stressed. I am excited about all of it okay?”

“So you say,” with a final glance he presses play and I’m entranced as the narration takes us through the plan.

“Umm all I can say is wow.” I turn to him when it’s done. My wine glass had been emptied and my brain had been itched with the most beautiful location and storytelling I’ve seen in a while. “That’s like a mini movie.”

“That’s what I said!” He exclaims. “It’s going to blow everything out of the water.”

“Look at us, doing nothing.” I realize we’d turned around and talked about work.

“Bollocks we’re no good at this.” Harry slides a hand down his face and I laugh at the dramatics. “Let me refill you at least.”

I happily oblige.

We talk about the mv some more, and move onto the tour. Harry asks me about the concerts I’ve been to and we get the kind of excited when you’re tipsy once we find out we were both at a Coldplay concert four years ago in London.

“That would’ve been before the success so I would have been just another bloke to you,” he notes.

“Yeah, imagine we crossed paths then? That would be crazy.”

“If we did, we might still be doing this tonight, just as mates,” he points to between us. “Or you would have fallen in love with me and I would have sacrificed my music to raise our kids.”

“What!?” It’s so absurdly ridiculous that I nearly snort my wine. “Where did that comes from!?”

“Admit it,” he puffs out his chest. “That would have happened. And I’d be so committed-“

“Well you’re assuming that in a 4 year time-span we would get to the point of having kids. So firstly no, secondly who said you had to sacrifice your career?”

“I-“ he stops mid-sentence, looking into the distance.

“Exactly!” I shout. “You’ve got nothing. You’ve just made up a story that makes you sounds good and noble!”

“Fine,” he settles down. “Fine! We never meet and you end up with your Duran bloke and I end up a musician.”

“Is that all I’m reduced to?” I raise my brow. “Who I’m with?”

“No!” He leans between us to pat my leg. It tingles. “No I didn’t mean it like that. You’ll do great things. I just mean the person you end up with isn’t superstar Harry Styles.”

I roll my eyes, “I need more wine if I’m gonna be subjected to any more of this bullshit.”

“Bullshit?!”

“Mhm,” I pop a gummy into my mouth and ignore the look of shock on his face.

“Fine. Then tell me about your bullshit,” he raises his can. “What’s happening to make you so ferocious this morning.”

Oh god. I hold up a finger and shimmy forward for some more wine. I’d drank 2/3 of the bottle and I was definitely tipsy. Maybe I’ll just sip this one.

“Fine. If you want to hear it.”

“I do.”

“I got into a fight with Gray.”

He raises a brow, I continue.

“He’s upset with me and complaining that I work a lot and that he feels like I’m his flatmate!”

“Flatmate with benefits.”

“Shut up!” I groan. “Not the point.”

“Sorry!” He holds his hands up.

“I don’t think he realizes how much of my head is just Gray like, I’m always thinking about him, about what I could do for him and say to him just to make sure he feels seen and reassured and loved! You know I’ve asked you for half-days on Saturdays when you don’t have a lot going on-“

“Mhm,” he nods along.

“I’m like, making sure I’m being a good partner. And apparently he’s been upset and not saying anything.”

“The old silent on the home front.”

“Yes!” I nearly drip wine as I pump my hand. “Yes, on the home front he’s bloody broody and quiet. I knew something was on his mind but like always he’s tight lipped. Even when I asked him a week ago he said he’s just been working a lot. What a liar!”

I complain about how it felt to be iced out of my partner’s emotions and having to guess all the time.

“Then I find out he’s been talking to all our friends to get advice.” Harry raises his brows in judgement and leans back into the sofa, and the small gesture makes me feel so validated. I didn’t realize how much I needed a third-party to just listen to my side of things. Until now, I’d literally not had anyone to talk to about this especially since I avoided talking about work with Gray. I get misty eyed.

“And when we’re talking he’s like so-and-so said this as if I want to know. And!” Now I was on a roll. I put my glass down in fear of spilling it on the pristine sofa and get on my knees to emphasize my frustration. “And the girl he quoted? Get this, I met her—Rebecca—at a job I did like a year ago? And we got along fabulously and I invited her to this party we threw right because she was new to the city and all that. She met my other friends and she fit in so well they invited her the next event. I got her into the group and now she’s talking shit about me with my fiancé behind my back!”

“She’s probably got a thing for your man,” Harry suggests.

“Oh she definitely does!” I’m animated as I continue. “She so does! I’ve caught her making eyes at him before, and laughing a lot whenever he makes a joke. I even mentioned it to him once but he said he didn’t notice.”

“He probably didn’t,” Harry shrugs.

“I know, the male species is a wonder. You get big flirts like you and then otherwise they’re completely oblivious.”

“I’ll have you know when I was a teen, a girl literally gave me a valentine cupcake and I just thought—well I knew she liked to bake, so I thought she just had extras. I didn’t understand why she didn’t speak to me the rest of the year.”

“No way,” I laugh—a lot because the wine was definitely sloshing around in my head, but also I couldn’t imagine Harry being that aloof. “I guess it comes with the ego territory. Were you less of a jerk as a kid?”

His jaw drops. “You just called me a jerk right now. To my face.”

“I did,” I say with glee. I stand to get the full picture of an offended Harry. “And I don’t regret it. So? Were you nicer as a kid?”

“No I’m not answering until you take that back.”

“What! You are a jerk…sometimes! I’m not taking it back!”

“You have to take it back otherwise I will cut you off on the wine.”

I take a step back and stumble as he speaks. Which makes me laugh more. “I think I should cut back. I am a hot mess.”

“At least you’re laughing,” Harry stands too. “It’s world’s different from this morning.”

Just like telling someone not to think of an elephant, I think of the elephant.

“Noo no don’t do that!” Harry rushes towards me and bends down to look me in the eye. “I liked it when you were smiling just now c’mon.”

“Well you reminded me why I was so upset-“

“Can’t stay grumpy, just give me another smile. One smile! Small teeny tiny smile—there it is!”

I can’t help it with his face in mine and the way he’s putting on a voice to get me to smile my face splits in a grin.

“You’re soooo annoying!” I push him but unstable and drunk I fall backwards.

I don’t know what happens next but I’m on the floor looking up into Harry’s concerned face.

“Y/n? Y/n!?”

“Yeah,” my head pounds as I try to make sense of where I am.

“Fuck,” I hear Harry say. He moves away and the overhead light attacks my eyes so I squeeze them shut.

I hear him, panicked, on the phone.

“No!” I try to call out. “M’fine! Don’t even worry-“

“Stay down Y/N,” he’s back by my side. I try to prove to him that I’m okay and sit up but a few inches off the ground and my head feels like it’s full of bees.

“So many bees,” I murmur as I go back down, now a pillow behind my head.

A few minutes later Harry’s helping me up gently. I tell him I wanted to throw up and he helps me to the toilet where I do. Gah. Why did I drink so much.

“I think I’ll head home now,” I hear myself saying to Harry like I was miles away.

“No,” his hands are around my shoulder and holding me upright as we walk out. The lift increases my nausea but I keep my eyes shut.

“I’m going home now,” I tell Harry when we get outside.

“No you’re getting checked out.”

“No!” I shove him away and nearly topple over myself. Why did he have to boss me around all the time? “Stop telling me what to do! My head hurts I’m going home!”

He tries to grab my hand but I yank it off. “Stop! Just stop!”

“Y/n,” Harry’s voice is low and comforting as he gets down in my ear. He smells nice too. “You passed out and you have a headache we have to get you checked out.”

“You’re no fun,” I cross my arms but follow him, only because my headache is so bad. As we get in the car I close my eyes shut as the lights assault them. Harry doesn’t let me sleep on the ride home even though his body is warm and steady beside me. I barely know where I am.

Harry’s POV:

I keep telling myself she would most likely be fine, just like the doctor reassured me but it’s hard not to beat myself up.

I shouldn’t have let her get that drunk, especially upset. I shouldn’t have gotten in her space and caused her to tumble back. I should have done something else.

The guilt is added to when I think of how I spoke to the doctor, demanding they do every scan and not to skip any. I hated who I became sometimes, when I pulled the famous card, but I thought it was necessary right now. Even y/n would give me a pass for using it.

I can’t stop replaying the thud as her head hit the hardwood floor, her eyelids fluttering as I rushed to her, her slack face when she lost consciousness for a moment.

It’s been hours since we came in. The doctor finally heads my way.

“Mr. Styles, your girlfriend is alright,” he holds up his hands before I’m fully standing.

I may have had to say she was my girlfriend after they wouldn’t let me have any say tonight…

“She’ll be alright, you did the right thing getting her here right away.”

“But?”

“No but,” he smiles. “Obviously it’s serious she has a moderate concussion but if she doesn’t exasperate any symptoms—takes it easy the next couple weeks, she’ll be right as rain. We can discharge her once the neurologist confirms. She’s just finishing with another patient right now-“

“She should stay overnight,” I cut him off. His cheeriness was starting to irritate me I felt like he wasn’t taking this seriously enough.

“Oh well,” he laughs but I know I’m irritating him right back. “She will be alright. I can provide you and her with a followup plan-“

“Doctor,” I say. “She’s staying overnight. If I need to rent a bed I’ll do that, tell me what I need to do, but she should stay under observation. Get the care she deserves.”

He pursues his lips, and I wait for him to agree.

“Yep,” he sighs. “I’ll tell the nurse. Just follow me and we can sort the details.”

We do that, I even take a selfie for the nurse’s daughter which grates on the doctor’s nerves even more. He leaves shortly after.

I get y/n’s room and walk there slowly, wondering how to apologize. Ever since December we’ve been playing a game of tennis with words and tonight I felt both of us relax onto the same note. Then this.

She’s sleeping when I get to her. My watch says 1am. She looks peaceful and it hurts even more.

The truth was despite acting like I didn’t, I did like Y/N but she was complicated, and the more I tried to untangle her web the more sticky things became for both of us. I didn’t want to make more mistakes than I have in the past so I’d kept my distance. Even if it hurt both of us.

Tonight was good though. Until it wasn’t. This was why I shouldn’t blur lines. You would think I’d have learned that by now.

I step by her bed, hesitating. Someone has wiped the remains of her makeup off and she looks so much younger. Like a sleeping cherub. My heart gives a squeeze.

I push back a strand of her hair, my hand wanting to do something. I settle for taking her hand in mine, it’s not the first time I’ve held it but like it always does, a flood of warmth rushes through me.

I never understood Victorian romances until her; just touching her hand got my blood pumping.

With a stroke of my thumb over her knuckles, she stirs. I freeze.

Her eyes flicker open, “Hey?”

My voice disappears. There’s too much that I want to say and nothing I’m allowed to say. Maybe a sorry. I open my mouth but she squeezes my hand. I forgot I was still holding hers.

“So much for doing nothing huh?” She cracks a smile and it breaks the marble I’d become encased in. I laugh and collapse onto the sliver of the bed.

“We should never do nothing again.”

“Nope,” she smiles, closing her eyes again.

“Y/N I’m really sorry for tonight. I feel awful-“

Her mouth parts. She was asleep.

I want to sit here with her until she wakes again, until the doctors kick us out. Something about seeing her so vulnerable here makes me want to confess the thing that’s been lodged in my chest for a long time.

I release her hand and move away from the bed. This was dangerous. Maybe I could wait in the waiting room until she’s released. Then take her home.

Something vibrates. It’s not my phone, and then I notice the purse I’d brought with us. Y/N’s.

I peek inside for the phone and her fiancé’s face takes up the screen. He looks younger. And then I remember, it’s like stepping out of the fog this night had put me in and into reality.

I pick up.

“Y/N it’s nearly 2 in the morning just tell me you’re alright? You haven’t been answering your texts I-“

“Hi,” I clear my throat and the line goes dead silent. I decide to continue. “Hey uh this is Harry. Styles. Uhm, don’t panic or anything because she is okay but she’s in hospital and-“

“What?” He comes back with a boom. “Why is she there what happened? Which hospital?”

I tell him which one, explain she bumped her head and I had to take her here. That the doctors said she would recover and be herself again soon. He simply swears and tells me he’d be there soon.

This was Y/N’s life. This was the right thing to do. Still, I stay in the room with my head in my hands and think about the whole evening again and again.

“Just tell me the bloody room…I don’t care about the time…”

The voice travels through as doors open and close in the hall and I look out. Grayson. Like a pitbull. I can see him through the rectangular window demanding to see Y/N.

I open the swinging doors and his nostrils flare as he spots me.

“Why the hell is he allowed in and not me?” He continues his tirade. “Does hospital policy not matter when it comes to the rich and famous now? I want to see her doctor and-“

The nurse turns to me, annoyed but before she can ask the question the doctor is out.

“What’s all this? Do you know the time sir, please follow me and we can talk-“

“I don’t want to fucking follow you. I want him gone and I want to see my fiancee.”

Looks are exchanged between the doctor and the nurse, finally landing on me. I imagine what they’re thinking—just another homewrecking famous rockstar, do we tell the fiancé or act cool?

“He should be able to see her,” I say in an even tone. I can feel the eyes on me, especially the laser beams from Gray.

“I thought-“

“Okay. Visitor pass him and let him in,” the doctor cuts his nurse off as she stares at me. Maybe her daughter wouldn’t get that photo tonight after all, and instead be told to pick better role models. It doesn’t matter to me. Not tonight.

I watch Gray get sorted, watch him walk down and to Y/N’s room. To his fiancée’s room.

I wonder how he feels, fighting with her last night just for y/n to end up here tonight. I wonder if that’s why he was so vocal tonight—the guilt.

But I suspected he was the kind of man that called himself easy-going and only got this raucous when another man was threatening his public image. It was pretty clear the hospital staff thought we had some pseudo-relationship arrangement. I don’t think Duran was daft enough to miss that.

Plus, I’d been the one to bring her here not him.

With a big sigh I take my phone out to call a taxi. It was my turn to go home.

I text Y/N from the car, tell her to rest over the weekend and let me know how she feels Monday morning. She could take the whole week off if she wanted but I also knew her and knew she would try to come back asap.

I try to piece back the marble armour I wore before tonight, it’s ill-fitting and hurts to get on but I do it anyway. This was why I couldn’t be the person Y/N wanted me to be; I tried to mix parts of my life together and it would only end with shite.

Y/N’s POV:

I don’t know who this man in front of me was. Or actually, I hadn’t seen him a long time.

I’d been discharged from the hospital on Saturday morning with odd looks all around. Maybe because Harry brought me in? And ever since, Grayson has been doting on me. Doting.

“Did you want anything specific?” Gray stands at the foot of the bed, asking me what he should make me for breakfast. The last time he made me a special breakfast was…last summer?

“I wouldn’t say no to pancakes?” I reply. “I looove your chocolate chip pancakes.”

“I’ll get it started,” he walks over to kiss my temple and leaves.

The weirdest part is that I feel weird; I don’t know why but Gray doting on me like this made me feel claustrophobic and…weird!

I look out the window to the overcast sky. Same, I think. At least for a Sunday, it felt fitting.

I pick up my phone and check the last response from Harry. Since I got discharged he’d been texting me to see how I was feeling. I think he was feeling guilty even though I told him it wasn’t his fault.

I tried not to drink when I was upset because back in uni it led to some shitty situations but the other night I’d overstepped my rule and done this anyway. And paid for it. I should have known better. And after the absolute misery of yesterday’s aftermath—the migraine and the vertigo and the completely lack of appetite, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. Ever.

Today I feel a lot better. I still have a headache and I’m looking forward to breakfast with my painkiller, but the light doesn’t hurt as much and the nausea only comes back when I do too much.

You: I’ll be back in no time. Feeling better

Harry: I want you to feel the best so I’m banning you from working until Wed. And that’s conditional on you feeling better

Y: Doc said I can resume a lowkey version of my life after 48hrs

H: I didn’t like that doc. take my advice instead

Y: when did you get your md

H: same time you got yours

Y: I have an md?

H: being stubborn 101

Y: your jokes are a lot better when you text

H: cuz you’re not distracted by my face

Y: ooookay I’m no longer giving you the platform byeee

He was sassy, apparently. I never got this side of him before.

I read through the convo again and smile. But it hits me that it sounded like flirting. And that would be incredibly inappropriate. So I shove my phone in my bedside drawer and inch out of bed to join Gray.

We spend the day talking about a lot, but not about what we should talk about. Which, with the way I was feeling, was fine by me. At the same time it felt like we were both politely playing a role neither of us could put our hearts into. It felt shitty.

Gray has a session around 4 and I crawl back into bed, putting on a romcom I’ve watched a million times for comfort.

My body feels heavy and it has nothing to do with the concussion. The last couple days and my current relationship with Gray casts a shadow over my thoughts. I felt like making any decision was like wading through quicksand and running away just sounded better.

I rub my temples, hoping like a genie’s lamp, I could get an omnipotent spirit cast out and grant me easy wishes. I’d wish for things to go back to normal, for my heart not to be such a wretched thing. For clarity.

I pick up my phone and scroll to the one person I had run away from and have missed since. I didn’t talk to her very often but I thought I could use her no-nonsense approach.

My mom frets when I tell her what had happened. She goes quiet as I tell her I’d gotten drunk to forget about the troubles in my relationship.

“Relationships go through a lot of phases. It’s like going through those cave tunnels all made of rock and you gotta squeeze really tight sometimes just to fit through and continue on.”

“That is an amazing comparison mom, but I don’t know if this is one of those times. It feels like Gray’s already given up on us.”

“Well it’s been a long time he’s waited.”

“But he never said. He never talked to me.”

She sighs. “Your Grayson sure is a contemplative son of a bitch isn’t he?”

I laugh a little too hard and feel a pulse in my head. “I know. But then today he was so dang sweet—since I got home. He was so overprotective. And he made me breakfast mom and it made me realize I haven’t had that Gray in a long time.”

She’s silent on the other end. She knew there was more. How did I ever think, as a teen, my mom didn’t understand me? I think I just never understood her.

“But it felt weird.” I continue. “I feel horrible for saying it but I felt weird!”

“Was there heart?” She asks gently.

There wasn’t.

That’s what it was. And my heart weeps. All those actions without feelings.

“Have you thought about coming home?” Mom asks when the silence stretches. She always asked and I was the worst daughter in the world for never going back. The last time was when I graduated, for 2 weeks in which my family drove me crazy and I had been crazy in love with Gray and eager to get back to him.

“Maybe,” I close my eyes and slide down into bed.

“Your brother’s new girlfriend reminds me of that friend you had where she came on our camping trip and cried the whole time? What was her name?”

“Deanna? Mom I stayed friends with her all through high school! She was just very anxious.”

“I know! His girlfriend’s always darting about, jumping at tiny things. Reminds me of her.”

“Well Jace better be treating her right.”

“He does,” mom’s voice raises. “You should see them together. It’s cute but they’re still teenaged loves so I try not to break his bubble too much.”

Mom had definitely relaxed a lot since I was a teen. She had practically chased my first boyfriend away.

“Remember your first boyfriend?” She asks and I shout how I was remembering that too. We end up talking about old memories, and I feel a little more known and a little less lonely when I hang up.

Gray and I order takeout and I try to watch a movie with him but the strain on my eyes gets too much. I tell him I was going to bed and insist that he stays and finishes. I didn’t feel like watching him play boyfriend.

I’m eager to get back to work, for next week when I can go to Scotland for the MV. The eagerness comes from guilt but I carry both as I fall asleep.

***

I feel like a kid at Disneyland. Or maybe a Disney adult. Either way, I’m blown away getting to watch this MV come to life.

It’s long hours, a lot of waiting, and some shouting. But everything else is magic.

I came back to work last Thursday and other than an ear-splitting headache on the flight and a low-grade one when I stared at a screen too long, I was on my way to normal. When I got back to work Harry kept making excuses for me so I could work from the office but I refused to be treated differently and eventually he relented.

“It’s so freaking cold!” I jump up and down beside Harry by the cliffside. He’s just wrapped up a scene and the crew was taking a look at the footage to see if they needed anything more in this spot.

“Why don’t you put on more layers? Do you want an extra coat the crew might have-“

“No!” I continue wriggling around. “I’m heading back to the car in a few. This is an amazing view.”

“Isn’t it,” Harry turns to the sea that’s churning away much like my own heart these days. It feels calming to see it physically somewhere else.

We stand in silence except for my occasional teeth chattering and stare out to the view.

“Have you seen more of it?” Harry motions to the cameras. “What do you think?”

On this trip I’ve been giving my honest opinion, and I know I’ve offended Harry at least once but I didn’t come all the way here for my dream experience only to stroke his ego.

I tell him my take. We talk about the overall storyline about belonging and sacrifice until we’re interrupted with two hands holding out hot teas.

“You both looked cold,” the woman says. She was another assistant on set and I’m not sure what to do being waited on as a PA myself.

“Oh, thank you!” I make sure she knows I appreciate it. “That’s…that’s super kind thanks!”

She throws us both a smile and I stare at my cup, the heat tingling on my cold fingertips.

“Friendship and belonging yeah,” Harry starts up again.

“Yeah but also I like how you—your character, whatever, knows when it’s time to leave for his better growth. Sacrifice with his friend and sacrifice with the only home he’s known. Plus that’s a comfortable outfit.”

I tap a button on Harry’s jumpsuit. He grins. “You can have it.”

“I would be drowning in that you’re a lot taller.”

“We can have it altered,” he says. A shiver runs through me at we. I blame it on the cold.

I sip the tea now that it’s not scalding and find it’s a lot cooler. The open air, I guess.

“So you really love all this,” Harry says. “You weren’t joking about that excitement.”

“No I told you!” I flash to the night we did “nothing” which feels long ago. “I have a vivid imagination when it comes to music and I spent any spare courses on film so now I can interpret the heck out of any song and music video like my life depends on it.”

“We should get you back there,” he motions to the crew. “Get you on board.”

“Would I get the little clipboard and clapper?”

“Yeah!”

“Goals,” I sigh.

Little did I know, by Saturday as we’re filming our final scene one of the crew members hands me the clapper. He tells me I’m supposed to cut the final scene. I stare at him, thinking I misheard.

The clapboard hangs between us. He shakes it a little and I take it. It’s heavier than I thought.

“Harry asked if you can cut for the final scene, see the man behind the camera? He’ll look to you and give you the nod. Then you step in front and just do the thing.”

“Oh…” I’m still staring at the thing in my hand. My palms feel sweaty like it’s going to crash to the ground and break in two but that thought gets me to hold it closer. “Thanks.”

“Yep,” the guy walks away and I stare at the scene being filmed. Slowly I walk closer to the cameraman and he glances at me, notices the clapper, and smiles holding up two fingers.

He whispers something to someone beside him and they change the lighting. Harry walks off “screen” and I try to catch his eye to show him what I had. We catch it briefly and he winks before walking back onto the screen.

Oh my god! My heart is racing as I hold it in my hands. I had to chill. Or I’m gonna make a mess of things. It’s just a clapperboard and you’re saying one word!

Two minutes. I manage to calm down enough and when I get the signal I step in front of the camera and, as I see it later on, with the biggest grin on my face I clap down and yell “cut!”

Harry lets out a whoop and the crew cheers as the filming wraps up. I’m sure my eyes are wide as saucers as I go to Harry. He puts an arm around me and pulls me in, laughing because I tell him my heart is racing and how does he do tours when just that made me shaky.

“It gets easier,” we walk now with his arm around my shoulder. “One day you’ll be behind the camera shouting at me to move places.”

“Oooh getting to boss you around and get paid for it?” I look up at him and my breath catches because he’s handsome at every bloody angle. “Sign me up.”

He let me go and gives me a few tsks. Then he gets his phone and tells me to pose with the clapper and I do it happily. The picture shows a grinning girl with pure delight on her face.

“I’ll put that as your contact photo right,” Harry says as he gets into a jacket. “And that way at least when you call me with bad news I get to see a smile beforehand.”

“Har har,” I roll my eyes but I don’t hate the idea.

A lot of the crew decide to go out for drinks and dinner and Harry passes but I decide to go. I’d met some friendly faces and I would miss working with them, miss the overall energy, when we got back to London.

As I fall asleep that night, full and content, I realize I hadn’t texted Gray all day. I wake to check my phone and see he’d sent a text a few hours ago.

Sorry I was out for lunch with the crew. Babe it was sooooo fun I can’t wait to show you pictures when I get home.

I read the rest of his message asking how I was. I tell him my headache was gone and ask him about his week but I’ve fallen asleep before he can respond.

***

The morning I have to leave for tour I wake up way too early. Too much nervous excitement. I’d already brushed and checked my luggage was packed before crawling back into bed waiting for Gray to wake.

I watch him sleep, my eyes following the familiar contours of his face. We’d been making an effort at rebuilding the relationship since we agreed we at least had to give it a try after I got home from Scotland a month ago. On one hand it feels like starting a new relationship and also breathing easier because we were both on the same page. On the other, we’d finally started planning the wedding!

I would miss him, nearly 3 weeks away which is the longest we’ve been apart since we got together. Then I’d be home for 2 weeks, and away for the last week before Harry finishes with a couple shows in London. It was going to be epic and crazy as exhausted as I’ve been.

I huddle close to Gray and he stirs slightly but I kiss his neck to wake him.

“Hey,” he mumbles in his sleep.

“Morning,” I press another kiss to his face.

“What time?” He moves his head to kiss me back.

“Hmmm half past 7?”

He grumbles about it being so early but it stops shortly after with both of my legs on either side of him and my hair curtaining our faces.

“M’gonna miss your snooty face,” I say with another kiss. He finally opens his eyes and his hand comes up to hold my chin.

“I’ll be the one here missing you.”

“I’ll call every chance I get.”

“You’ll get to see so many new cities,” he says.

“Barely but I’m gonna try to make the most of it,” the travel schedule was hectic but I know there were a couple slower days I could use to explore cities. If I wasn’t completely exhausted.

“You’ll have a lot of fun,” he pushes my hair behind my ear.

“Remember Josie’s coming this weekend to stay the week.” Gray’s sister had taken the opportunity of a semi-empty flat to stay here while she studied for mid-terms. I had encouraged it so Gray felt less lonely.

“She’s gonna drive me crazy,” he huffs.

“Just behave,” I warn him.

“I don’t know how,” he smiles, rolling us around so he’s on top and showing me what misbehaving means. I don’t mind it a bit.

After a quick shower together we head out to the airport, Harry offered to pick me up on his way but I wanted to make sure I spent as much time with Gray as possible so he doesn’t feel like I was leaving him like before. I hoped he knew, at least, the effort I was making.

***

Stockholm, Hamburg, Oslo, and Copenhagen in one week. It was exhilarating and exhausting and hectic and so fulfilling.

I had seen Harry at small shows before but on the big stage he has a presence with a capital P. It’s amazing watching him perform and dance and be charming all over. He could be cheeky yet command the crowd at the same time. And despite all these sides he’s never inauthentic.

For the first time I’m able to take somewhat of a backseat. He already had his manager, tour manager, stylist, and tour chef with him to manage most aspects I would regularly. I became sort of an extra hand when I wasn’t having sit-down hours. That’s what I called the times I was sitting on the laptop sorting out future timelines for Harry’s life (and my wedding).

But I loved it. I’d pick a cafe close to our hotel and spend a few hours working. I’d call Gray during these times and if he was free we’d catch up on all I saw and he’d share stories with me until Josie crashed the conversation with stories of her own.

My eye bags require more concealer than usual and my body begs for nutrition but otherwise I love every second.

I’m back from my sit-down hours and get off the lift. Harry and his team were placed in the same hotel just down the hall from each other. As I approach my own door one of Harry’s band mates rushes out of his door looking stressed.

“He’s in a mood,” she huffs. “Don’t go in there.”

“Did something happen?” I ask.

She shrugs, “he gets this way. Usually at the start of tour I don’t know why. Kinda snappy just…give him space.”

I do as she says but the next morning as we wait to board our early flight to Paris he continues to be a dick to everyone.

“Maybe take a nap on the flight Haz,” one of his bandmates suggest. “We’re all bloody tired don’t be such a grump.”

“I don’t need a bloody nap stop treating me like a child.”

“What to do when you act like one.”

“You know what-“

“Woah hey c’mon.”

I startle at the commotion, I was starting to doze off but Harry rushing out of his seat and someone else stepping between him and Mitch wakes me entirely.

“Let’s stand there get some space.” Niji recommends.

Everyone follows the group away and it’s Harry, myself, and my bag left.

He glances at me, “Don’t you start too.”

“I wasn’t…”

“I could see it in your face.”

“What the hell? I was just napping I don’t even know what’s going on except that you really are being a dick.”

“There you go!” He points. “I knew you wanted to say it.”

“Guess I’m joining the others…” I pick up my bag and walk to everyone else. They’re all venting their frustrations for Harry and comfort me that he was an asshole to everyone.

It gets worse on the flight when our pilot announces we couldn’t land in Paris.

“What’s going on?” I ask our hostess.

“The weather, we apologize for the inconvenience folks but there is high winds and a lot of fog so it’s not safe to fly.”

“I have a show tonight,” Harry stands and starts to advance on the poor woman. “I need to be in Paris before 4 where are we landing?!”

“Sir we’ll be landing in the Lille airport. This is good because we’re only a few hours from the city-“

“For fuck’s sake,” Harry runs his hand through his hair.

“I understand,” the woman looks back at me and I nod, letting her know I got it.

“Harry we’ll only be delayed by a few hours-“

“I don’t have time for a few hours. We need to set up and run tests in Paris! We were supposed to be there yesterday but somebody booked the wrong shit!”

It was true, his tour manager had booked us for Monday morning rather than Sunday morning but at the time it hadn’t been a big deal since the show was 7 on Monday and we got an extra day to relax. Now it made things more stressful.

“Fuck this,” Harry mutters. The other members on the plane roll their eyes and put on headphones, sighing and looking out the window. It was obvious to everyone but Harry that this was just a minor setback.

I decide to be the idiot who enters the lion’s cage. Harry sits in the back of the plane jiggling his leg and trying to connect his phone to service.

“Are you trying to call Morgan?” I ask.

“No I’m trying to call the pope.”

“He might be sleeping.”

He looks up at me and if I wasn’t aware of how stressed he was I would laugh. Confused doesn’t even cover his expression.

“I don’t have time for this right now, I need to get to the show-“

“We have like a five hour wiggle room it’s just a minor-“

“I can’t perform thrown off like this!”

“There’s no reason to be thrown off!” I try to keep my volume contained but I can feel eyes on my back.

“I don’t need you right now just go.”

“So I guess the one week rule is true.” I mutter.

“What’s that?” He asks with an i-dare-you expression.

“I said the one week rule of you being an asshole on tour, I guess that was true. I wish someone told me I would have skipped it.”

“Well you could have skipped the whole thing and nobody would notice.”

His comeback is muttered but cuts like a machete and I feel like the words were physically slung at me. I stand there stunned, my heart sinking as he continues to fiddle with his phone until the call connects.

The shock wears off quickly leaving me with the familiar heat of anger. This was how I reacted to Harry and his dickish ways. How dare he? Why the fuck does he think it’s okay to treat me like this when he wanted? I clench my fist as his voice rises with Morgan.

But beneath the anger is a raw hurt, his words struck a nerve. The same one Gray had struck once. I was replaceable, and all the efforts I’ve put into my career were unimportant and unappreciated.

I snatch the phone from Harry, annoyed at hearing him talk at Morgan.

“Hey Morgan it’s Y/N, yeah it’s a minor inconvenience but if you can get a bus or something to the airport it should be…”

I look to the hostess and she flashes me two fingers and a shake of her hand.

“About 2 hours to get into the city.” I finish. I nod along to Morgan’s questions and repeat details back. “Yeah just text me on my phone, not Harry’s. We’ll sort this out.”

“Thank you y/n. I’m really glad you’re there today.”

The words are a feather on a pile of nails, it’s nice to hear but Harry’s cruel words still ring in my ear.

I hand the phone back to him, expecting a thank you or an apology, but he just takes it and slinks down in his seat.

“It’s her isn’t it?” Sarah gets up on her seat on her knees to look back at Harry. I pause as I walk up the aisle. Is was who?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry mutters with his eyes glued to his screen.

“It is,” someone else says.

“Who?” Claire asks.

“Don’t take his mood personally,” Sarah says to me. “Paris is a touchy city for him.”

“Do you guys ever shut up?” Harry asks.

“No that’s why we’re your crew,” Mitch responds.

“We understand,” Sarah continues. Who was she talking about!? “Just don’t take it out on us. It’s not nice.”

Harry doesn’t respond but I sense a deflating happening on his side. Sarah’s words had gotten through to him but they’d just made me super curious.

I get filled in as we wait at the airport for our bus—Morgan had saved the day.

I hear about Harry’s french lover and how he got his heart broken a couple years ago. How the last time they were in France he had disappeared for a day and they’re all sure he visited her. How he can’t go to Paris without getting in a mood, either because he doesn’t get to see her or he’s anxious about seeing her.

“That’s like a city-specific booty-call.”

“Kinda,” Sarah laughs. “But I think he grew really attached to her so it’s a bit—he’s coming back.”

Harry stomps back to where we are, a tray of coffee in his hands. His team accepts it without a word. The world’s most famous non-verbal apology.

I watch him wearily. I still wanted a verbal apology from him, was that crazy? What he said was deeply hurtful. And hearing about his French lover makes me feel a way that I don’t like so I shut it out. I stick to the anger instead. It was easier.

He starts to warm up as we board the bus, cracking jokes with his band. I pick a seat near the front and stay there with my headphones. Aside from answering Morgan’s texts I pretend to be asleep. Eventually I do.

Someone flicks my hat, “C’mon sleepyhead! We’re in the city of love.”

“Wha?” There’s a crick in my neck and I feel rusty. But Harry’s right, we’d landed in Paris. He hovers above my seat with a jovial smile but it dies the longer I don’t return it. Serves him right. He doesn’t get to be cruel and wipe it away with coffee and a joke.

He gets the hint and boards off. I grab the last of the bags and join the group in the lobby where Morgan greets Harry like his long lost son.

“The trials aren’t over just yet,” he cringes. “I don’t know why Paris keeps fucking with me but we’re booked tight for rooms.”

“What does that mean?” Harry asks.

“Uhm well,” Morgan clears his throat. “The hotel overbooked. We have 3 rooms between the 8 of us. Luckily I have a mate who lives in town so I’ll crash at his. The rest of you need to share.”

“Morgan you’re fucking with me,” someone groans.

“No I’m sorry. I booked 5 with an en-suite but they screwed up. They’re refunding us half—I fought for that at least. I can use that to put others in another hotel if you’d like but so far I’ve only managed one room with two doubles.”

“Claire and I can share,” Sarah says.

“Good, Mitch you good with the boys?”

“I’ve slept in worse places.”

“Uh y/n…would you like me to book you an extra room somewhere? I don’t want you to be far from the team-“

“She’ll stay with me.” Harry says. “I’m performing tonight and then we’re moving to Amsterdam tomorrow afternoon so…”

I squirm a little as all eyes fall to me. Cool. Casual. “Sure.”

“Sorted! Let’s get these bags up and out of the way. I’ll have a car waiting down here in a half hour so you can all freshen up and meet me again.”

We trudge along and get off on our respective floors.

“The truth is,” Harry says as we scan ourselves into our room. “I’m probably not even gonna use the bed for the night so it’s all yours.”

“Oh,” I look around the room. It’s got a french touch and a lush queen in the middle. I could deal with not having to share it. I’m sure my fiancé back home would be happier too. Even though I want to ask why I don’t. “Okay.”

We settle our things in silence and a part of me wants to break it and start talking about the ride and Paris but I’m still not over his earlier behaviour so I continue giving the bare minimum. He doesn’t seem to care.

We head off for tests and I end up falling asleep in one of the booths. The tiredness was really creeping up. I could sleep through all the noise the band was making.

A particularly loud screeching from feedback wakes me up. I look down to the group, everyone’s mostly broken up while tech crew tapes down some wires and connects equipment. Harry sits on the edge of the stage, swinging his feet and texting away at his phone. He’s different from the grump this morning. He’s lighter.

Charlie catches me looking and waves, I wave back. There’s a pit in my stomach that grows heavier as the day passes into night.

Paris is not the loudest but super engaged. Everyone has some reference to Harry adorned on their clothing or their face and I can tell Harry has a special connection to the group.

“And finally,” Harry says into the mic. “This is a special song for my French friends. Tonight has been a blessing and I want to merci beaucoup for showing up!”

The crowd cheers as the intro to his song comes on. I listen to the lyrics for the first time since hearing the song last year and connect the dots to what Sarah said earlier. Maybe this was the girl. Maybe this was why he wasn’t sleeping at the hotel tonight.

As we’re leaving the venue and I’m going through a mental list of everything we could have forgotten, we spot a familiar face around back.

“Riley?” Mitch spots him first. “Is that you mate?”

“Hey,” Riley like, Harry’s old assistant Riley is standing with a couple other people who are having a smoke. He squashes his and greets the band who apparently still feel fondly when it comes to him. He looks the exact same but my feelings towards him are curdled after knowing what he’s like and how he left us high and dry.

That leaves Harry and I still hovering by the entrance alone, staring at the reunion by the time Riley comes up to us. I guess the band knew his friends because they get to chatting. I remember then, Riley ditched Harry to work for one of his friends. Must be a small world.

“Why the long face you two, c’mon still not holding a grudge are we?”

“Riley,” Harry addresses him. I stay silent, watching Riley from where I stand behind Harry.

“Nice to see Y/N’s still sticking around. How are you liking tour life?”

“Did you come to the show?” I find my voice.

“Yeah,” he nods all friendly like this was casual and he’s done nothing wrong ever. “I might be biased because I worked for the guy but Harry Styles is one of my top artist. And I’m in Paris until the Fall so why not come support him.”

“Well,” Harry says in the same deadpan voice. “Thanks for the support Riley.”

Riley glances over at him, smug. He knows he’s annoying Harry. So maybe I wasn’t the only one who got enjoyment out of doing that.

“Oh c’mon you’re still upset with me jumping ship? It’s been months! Y/N we’re cool right-“

Riley moves to walk past Harry and to me but Harry side-steps to stay in his way. I look at Harry. So does Riley, confusion sliding away to amusement.

“Oh I see,” he steps back, arms crossed. “Harry you sly dog you did it again.”

“We’re going now,” Harry says. “Try not to show up at any other shows.”

Harry tried to leave and I take the few steps to follow but Riley starts again.

“So y/n you fell for his trick too? I’m disappointed I thought you were immune.” Riley continues. “How’d he get you to the bedroom? Lots of booze? Or did you not even make it to the bedroom? Was it being treated like shit that did it for you?”

“What?” Now in the middle, I look between the two, wondering how this conversation took such a bizarre turn.

“You have some obsession with me Riley?” Harry steps back towards us. “Because you sure enjoy making up stories in your head with me starring in it. Don’t rope y/n into them either.”

“Not all stories,” Riley stays smug. “Some of them I’ve seen with my own eyes.”

They had to be talking about the last PA. The story Riley told me. Which means he thinks I…

“You really should watch what you talk about,” Harry reminds him.

Riley turns his attention to me, “Y/N I thought I warned you good enough. But I guess you put out as easily as the last one.”

“Riley whatever drama you’re trying to-“

“Mate,” Harry gets in Riley’s face so he can’t even look at me. I go quiet. “Get the fuck out of my sight before I get security to kick you out permanently.”

“Being the knight in shining armour doesn’t really suit you Haz,” Riley says. With one final judgemental look thrown my way he walks away. I have to lay a hand on Harry’s arm just to keep him from lunging at him but as soon as my hand makes contact he brushes me away.

This whole interaction was ego-bruising. “Why did he think-“

“Ignore him.” Harry cuts me off, his back still to me. His band, having watched the final scene unfold, now awkwardly shuffles back to us. “You okay?”

“Yeah but why-“

“Good.”

He cuts me off from asking anything and I don’t get to push because the group tries to defuse the situation by changing the subject. That includes the girls inviting me for drinks at their favourite parisian place. Harry disappears and so do those answers.

I try to poke whether the girls at dinner knew anything about his last PA but they barely met her. So I’m forced to eat oysters when they find out I’d never had them and the subject changes quickly to new and other things.

“So oysters thumbs up or down?” I’m asked as I slowly eat another.

“Weird texture…ehh?” I hover my thumb in the middle.

“Well too bad your partner—what’s his name again?” They ask. I tell her. “Ooh good name. Too bad Grayson isn’t here to cash in on all these oysters.”

They laugh and I think I’m not drunk enough to laugh as much with.

It’s the wee hours of the morning by the time we get back to the hotel. I crash alone as soon as my head hits the pillow.

***

After three weeks of tour I’m ecstatic to get back home. I wanted to sleep in the same bed for more than a day, I wanted a shower with even temperature, and I wanted a home-cooked meal.

And I wanted Gray.

I even catch an earlier flight—the night before rather than the next morning. I build up surprising Gray so much that I end up being the one who’s surprised when I come home to an empty flat.

I double check I’d set my phone back to the right time but it’s nearly 11. He must be out with friends, not a client.

I want to call him but still hold the idea of a surprise so I take a shower instead, put a load of laundry in, and make myself a sandwich. I crawl into bed at 1, still no Gray.

I end up tapping through our friends’ stories and find him in one. At least I knew where he was. But 2/3 photos I can find of him, Bex is standing too close for comfort.

I can tell by the photos there’s nothing going on. From his end. The most contact they have is his arm around her shoulder but for some reason all of this makes me mad. I’d broken it down to him that he couldn’t talk with people who had a thing for him because they would only give biased advice. But he didn’t listen. He said I was reading into it too much. And here she was, gazing up at him in every damn photo.

I hate that I wasn’t even home for a couple hours and already found something to annoy me.

I must have fallen asleep shortly after because I wake to poking on my side.

“Y/n? Is that really you? Y/n? Y/n?”

Gray.

“Hi,” I turn in bed. “I’m home early.”

“Shit!” He stands and sways back slightly. Wow, he was pissed. I hadn’t seen him this inebriated in a hot minute. “You didn’t say!”

“I know I-“

“I thought I imagined you.”

“Nope all here,” I grit my teeth. Why was I annoyed at my boyfriend for having a life, I scold myself.

Why is he so drunk and is this a new thing or did he only get this way cuz I’m not around?

“You finally came back to me,” he slurs. He smells like a brewery as he climbs into bed and I wish I could force a shower on him but I get swept up in his arms. “Hey you were right by the way.”

“About?”

“About.”

“Gray! What was I right about?”

“I’m getting to it! You. Were right. About Bex.”

“H-how do you know?” Weird coincidence. Or not?

“Sheshe she tried to kiss me!” He falls back laughing in bed. “I said nooo cuz I have a fiancée. Y/N. Oops. She was maaad.”

My heart drops. I knew it. That little bitch! And she had to go and try to kiss my man when he’s drunk! I officially didn’t like her. And the story itself adds to my irritation.

“Wow. Crazy. I’m tired as hell so I’m going to bed.”

I turn and leave my back to Gray. I didn’t want to see him this drunk, this chill about someone I warned him about trying to kiss him.

He splays on the bed where he is, draping an arm over me and pretty soon I hear his even breathing. That annoys me too, that he could fall asleep so quick. His arm is a weight over my body and I feel like I’m sinking into the bed and out of view.

***

It’s like Grayson and I have forgotten how to live with each other.

What starts out as minor annoyances turn into bickering pretty quickly. Our 1 bedroom flat begins to feel cramped and I desperately try to cling onto the idea of us because I can’t fathom us fizzling out like this but my fingernails are raw from scraping threads.

Work is the easiest it’s been in a while. With no set working hours I just spend a few hours everyday doing admin and running errands. Otherwise, unless somebody calls me I’m free.

I thought it would be great. So much free time with Gray, we could continue planning the wedding and catch up again. But he busies himself with work, and when we go on dates he doesn’t make much of an effort to talk. It’s like getting to know him all over again except he’s a broodier version of himself. It makes me mad and I end up picking fights.

I book brunch with some of the girls on the last Saturday I’m home, thinking it might help to have space from Gray and see other people. I thought everything would be fine. And it is, on a surface level—they treat me perfectly normal.

Except the only time they gave me space to talk about myself went something like this,

“So Y/N how are you? Busy touring how is that?”

“Oh yeah it was great! Really taxing but fulfilling too. I went to so many cities I haven’t visited even though I’ve been in London for like 7 years? Copenhagen was one of my fave-

“Ooh. Yeah I really want to visit Copenhagen this summer.”

“Oh I love Copenhagen…”

And I was officially asked out of sharing my own life. The rest of brunch was me reacting to everyone else’s stories and having the subject change quickly after I brought up anything about myself. When I mentioned Gray casually, I could feel the judgement. It’s like they were waiting on me to complain about him so they could pounce. It’s a weird and tiring energy.

As we all say our goodbyes I manage to catch Rebecca alone.

“Hey Bex,” I stop her on the edge of the group. “I know we haven’t talked much lately but I just want to say I don’t appreciate the moves you’re making on Gray.”

She raises a brow, “moves?”

“He told me you tried to kiss him. Those kinds of moves.”

Her face pinches. “Well someone has to make some.”

“Excuse me?” She tries to walk away but I rush to step in front of her.

“It’s no secret you and Gray are on the road to a breakup,” she has the audacity to look judgey in that moment and I want to slap the look off her face.

“What the fuck do you know about me and Gray? Back. Off.”

“Hey what’s going on?” One of our other friends drifts towards us and I notice they’re all looking our way.

“Just a friendly chat,” I say with sarcasm you can’t miss. At the same time Bex responds, “Y/n’s being delusional.”

I was going to get physical, I step back towards her but our friends get between us. I think they knew uni me, and knew I wasn’t afraid of confrontation.

“What the fuck y/n?” I was so tired of the look on their faces, like I was crazy.

“She tried to kiss Gray!” I reveal. “Last week! I’m just telling her to back off and I have every right to!”

It’s news to them. They turn to Bex who’s fidgeting with her sweater as a flush creeps up her neck.

“I-I he did! He tried to kiss me!”

I snort, “I don’t have time for your bullshit Rebecca. I’ve gotta go.”

“Oh yeah we all know you don’t have time y/n, you’re so busy these days.”

“Bex!” Someone scolds her.

“Somebody better teach her hand to keep her hand over her mouth because I will get through all of you if it means getting to her. You know you guys don’t know shit about my life. And you don’t even care to these days! Just because Gray told his sob side you guys treat me like-like shit!”

“That’s not true-“

“It is! You don’t even know my side! And I don’t care to explain because you lot are supposed to be our friends, not the judge and jury of my relationship.”

They stare blankly at me and nobody denies it so I continue: “I try so hard to stay involved in your lives knowing I can’t make it to half of our parties, I’m always messaging you guys and trying to stay on top of your socials to know what’s going on in your lives. I feel like I make all the effort and I’m just made the pariah.”

It feels good getting it off my chest. It feels amazing. I feel like I’m breathing an actual lungful of air now.

“We’re sorry if we made you feel that way.” I look at who’s said this. One of my oldest friends from uni. I scoff.

“You’re sorry if you made me feel that way?! I just said you did!”

“Sorry,” she says, quieter.

“Y’know it’s…it’s disappointing. I thought, when we became best friends first year of uni nothing could shake the bond we had. Apparently a man you met 3 years ago who vented to you about your best friend was just the thing.” All their faces are small and nobody makes eye contact with me. “Anyway, I do have to go. I have an appointment. Let’s not do this again.”

I walk away, proud of myself for saying what I had to and getting it off my chest. For sticking up for myself.

But the farther away I get, the more the adrenaline crashes through me and I end up walking onto the tube on shaky legs and collapsing in my seat. The reality of what’s happened falls into my lap and I see a bunch of burned bridges.

I spend a couple extra hours out after my appointment. I’m not going anywhere in particular, I let my feet carry me through the city as my mind continues to whir.

Harry texts me, asking me to stop by his place before I fly back for tour tomorrow evening. Apparently the concierge needed all his mail picked up and he needed a few of the items. It annoys me that he waited last minute to ask.

When I get home at 4, Gray’s vacuuming the flat. He stops it when I come in.

“Hey.”

“How was brunch?”

It’s the way he asks. I know he knows. Which means a group chat exists with our friends and him without me. It feels like another betrayal. Who keeps their partner out deliberately? Who opens up their relationship like a hockey net, open for anyone to take shots at?

“Why’re you asking?” I feel another fight coming.

“I can’t ask you how brunch went?”

“Did you hear something? Let me guess, did Bex snitch?”

“No, chill out why would Bex snitch?”

“Grayson,” I look at him deadpan. “Don’t bullshit me. If you have any respect for me, which I know now is not a lot, don’t bullshit me.”

He sighs but doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t lie and doesn’t tell the truth.

“So?” I ask. “Is there like a group chat or something?”

“Let’s just drop it-“

“No! I’m not dropping this when you brought it up. So is there? Did you disrespect me in front of all our friends by talking shit, and then do it even more by allowing them to ice me out in a group chat you knew I wasn’t part of?”

He doesn’t respond. My temper flares.

“The hurtful part isn’t even not being part of the chat, it’s that you didn’t tell me.”

It makes sense now. I was always initiating birthday messages there or privately, thinking everyone was forgetting to wish each other. Now I know I was public fool number one keeping that convo alive when they were probably all wishing each other elsewhere. God. I was an idiot!

“Look I’m sorry y/n, after you stopped showing up to things they just made a new one so they don’t bother you.”

“Oh is that why? Because that was active up until a few months ago. So according to the timeline it was probably when you fucked up and talked shit about me to all our friends and they decided I was a bitch and they should all cancel me! Well I hope you’re happy Gray!”

“I’m not! I’m sorry I didn’t realize-“

“Stop!” I slam my hand into the wall and it hurts harder than I anticipated but I bite back the pain. “Just admit it! You want to paint me as the bad guy so fucking hard, and I am in some ways I know I’m far from perfect Gray! But instead of talking to me like normal fucking people do, you just iced me out and then isolated me from the only friends I’ve ever made in this stupid fucking city!”

I can’t help the tears now even though I don’t want to cry. I want to rage and scream and throw things about but the hurt is bigger and it bubbles over the pot and sears my heart.

I leave my shopping bags where I’ve dropped them and walk back out of the door before he can come up with a response. I couldn’t stand to look at his face. He’s betrayed me over and over and the whole time I was desperately trying to show him I hadn’t changed and I loved him.

I walk the 40 minute to Harry’s and the early evening air helps me learn how to breathe again. I take in gulps of it and try not to cry. I didn’t want to waste tears on Gray and my stupid friends. I didn’t want to do any of this! I just wanted to press pause on my whole damn life and take a nap.

Outside his building I pull out my phone and make sure I don’t look crazed. My hand is killing me and I ignore the bruising blooming fresh.

The concierge spots me just as I enter, and we make small talk about Harry on tour and his last few shows that would happen in London. I make a note to mention to Harry to send him tickets—apparently his niece listened to him.

He helps me load a cart with Harry’s mail and take it upstairs.

It had been over a month since I’d been in here and it’s weird that it feels comforting. Or maybe that was just after two weeks of feeling like a stranger at home.

Harry’s words on the plane echo back to me. Not that I was appreciated here either.

If there was ever a time to go back home to the States, it would be now. But that felt like running away. I had to sort my life out here before I made any rash decisions.

With a sigh I dump the paper onto the coffee table. After sorting what looked like bills from letters from miscellaneous I spot the two envelopes Harry wanted and put it to the side. I open the boxes next and locate his custom orthopaedic inserts he asked me to grab too.

I take the extra mail to my office to sort out. In the familiar closed quarters where I’d spent too much time in the last year rolling through a hundred phases, my feelings edge out of me. I try to wipe the tears and continue on but I end up pathetically sat over on the chair crying until I can barely breathe.

It’s pathetic because this is the first space I’ve felt I had the space to cry. And it was where I worked. Where, apparently, I wouldn’t even be missed.

New tears. Less breaths.

“Get it the fuck together,” I say between gasps. “That’s. Enough.”

Through my own self-talk I manage to calm down enough to finish the work. It’s half past 8 by the time I get back to the main living area. I get water to rehydrate myself and stay sitting on the couch staring into space for another ten minutes. I don’t think I had any more tears to cry. Just a rock in place of my heart and another bigger one attached to my ankle.

“Okay,” I finally get the courage to head home.

The end isn’t big and explosive. It’s a simple statement: I think we both know what needs to be done now.

I don’t fight him this time. I have no fight left in me. I just nod.

“I’ll sleep on the couch and still drop you off tomorrow,” he reassures me.

“Just sleep in bed,” I couldn’t even muster enough energy for expression. My flat tone is how I felt. “You don’t fit on the couch. And I’ll get myself to the airport.”

“No I’ll take you. I’ve already made the arrangements-“

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore Gray,” I say. He looks crestfallen and it irks me that he does. I didn’t want him to be sad, it was ridiculous but it was.

“Well I’ll take you anyway.” He says then turns back to the TV.

I wash the day off and make sure everything is packed for my early flight tomorrow. As I lay in bed alone I realize this might be the last time I ever sleep here. Like this. I would have to move all my shit out. Oh god, the wedding. I’d have to cancel my dress shopping dates and the cake testing, the invites we were still designing.

We’d only told our friends it was going to be a winter wedding, I’m glad we never gave them a date. Nobody had marked their calendars. Nothing about us would been permanent.

I look down at the simple ring on my hand. Everything but that.

I keep it on.

I’m still awake when Gray comes to bed but I pretend to sleep. My mind can’t stop making lists to answer: what now.

I’m in a fugue state all night and the only thing that clears the fog is the rays of sunshine peeking through the blinds in the morning. I hadn’t slept a wink.

Quiet, so I don’t wake Gray, I get up and dressed. I order a taxi and try not to linger on the hurt of doing this alone. Of Gray waking up to an empty bed.

The flight to Madrid is a couple hours and I miraculously nap through it. Everyone is happy to see me when I get back, especially when I present them with snacks they’d all said they missed from home while we were on tour. With them in hand, I’m an angel in their eyes.

I hand Harry his mail and he stops me. His eyes don’t stop examining my face.

“What happened to your hand?” He asks.

I’d picked up a bandaging kit and ice pack at the airport and with the help of Youtube, wrapped it up. It had started to bruise even worse but I couldn’t be arsed to deal with it even though it hurt. Nothing a few painkillers couldn’t fix.

“I accidentally got it caught in a door,” I lie easily. I had practiced. “It’s nothing.”

“Did you get it checked?”

“No.”

“Make sure you do, tonight’s show.”

“Sure. It’s really nothing though.”

“You sure?” He asks. His gaze is unnerving.

“Mhm,” I nod.

He’s silent, eyes scanning my face. Right as I decide I couldn’t take the scrutiny he asks, “Why were you crying last night?”

I stare, unsure what kind of trick he was playing.

“Sorry.” He laughs to himself. “I have one of those uh, motion sensor cameras in the entryway. I turn it on while I’m away so it sends like, automatic clips if there’s movement. I saw you come in and leave.”

“Oh.” Shit. Think fast. Think fast. “I uhm, got into it with some friends I had a meal with. Y’know…they were being a bit icy cuz of what they’ve heard. I’m over it though.”

“Yeah?” His eyes flicker down to my hand.

“Yeah.” I hold his green eyes for a moment, to reassure him I’m okay. I don’t know why he cares, maybe because I looked like a right mess last night as I left. How embarrassing. But I do my best acting job ever.

Satisfied, he lets me go. I return to the group asking for updates and any stories they wanted to share. Before long I’m laughing along and creeping out of my depressed mood. But something heavier still lingers.

***

TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77

#writingsfromhome #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #fic #harry styles angst #harry styles series #dos and donts #harry styles au #like I’m actually annoyed I had to split this up #because it’s supposed to get more interesting #ugh tumblr and its word limit…#musician!harry #well excited to finish the final part tho

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darlingpetao3 · 2 years

Text

A Discovery of Harry & Matthew (Harry Wells x Fem!OC x Matthew Clairmont, Chapter 13/13)

Rating: M (smut in final chapter)

Summary: When Laurie accompanies her boss, Harrison Wells, to confer with Oxford biochemist, Matthew Clairmont, over a potential scientific partnership, her world is turned upside down. Not only is she caught between her feelings for these awe-inspiring scientists, but she must wrestle with the reality of Creatures and her own self-discovery.

A/N: Well, it’s the final chapter! On behalf of my co-author @/centralcitymetapocalypse, we would like to say thank you to those who read this fun little crossover. We hope you enjoyed it! As for this last chapter, neither of us has reread it, probably not since we wrote it(?), so please forgive us if it’s “unpolished”.

Tag List: @fandomdancer @bluesclues-1234 @fir3flies-light-up-my-sky @firstofficer-tilly @crissymadlock @thefictionalgemini @i-dont-care-lol @khayrrilrainxwells @thecaptainsgingersnap @nyctophilic0vitnir

~ Laurie ~

Once we had arrived at the Old Lodge—Matthew’s home in Woodstock—my vampiric prince refused to let me do anything until I’d had a calming, hot bath which he’d immediately set out to do up for me.

His hard, insistent stare made it difficult for me to refuse. Plus, it sounded pretty good right about now.

And really, it proved to be very relaxing, letting the steaming water loosen my tight and stressed muscles. At first, I wondered whether Harry and Matthew would kill each other as I bathed to my heart’s content down below in the Old Lodge. But I let out a sigh and figured if they knew what was good for them, they’d behave themselves for my sake. So, after I finished my lovely and much-needed bath, I threw on one of my nicer blue tops I’d packed, a pair of jeans with a cardigan, and made my way down the staircase.

As it turned out, the two scientists sat across from one another in Matthew’s parlour engrossed in a game of chess. Harry rubbed his face with his hand before making his next move.

“My dear!” Matthew spotted me as I stepped into the room, both him and Harry standing up. “How do you feel?”

“Very refreshed, thank you.”

“How about hungry?”

“I could eat, yes.”

“Come, then.”

Harry came up to me and took my hand gently, as we followed Matthew into the dining room. “You look beautiful,” he whispered as we walked. I’m sure I blushed and thanked him in the most awkward sounding way.

Dinner progressed nicely, Harry and myself with our delicious (fully cooked) meals, and Matthew with his, well, cooked (or rather uncooked) to his liking. We chatted about our respective works, and I sensed an air of ease between all of us as if this was a common occurrence.

It kind of weirded me out, but I pushed past it.

“Another glass of wine, my dear?” Matthew asked me. I offered him my glass.

“Yes, please.” And then I was surprised to hear what the vampire said next.

“More, Harrison?”

“Thanks.”

Am I in a whole other dimension? Since when did these two get along? There wasn’t a single tone of animosity or disgust hidden anywhere in their voices.

Harry turned to me. “Laurie, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I am, it’s just... when did you two learn how to co-exist without so much as a death glare and disdain in your words?”

“Ah, we came to an agreement while you were upstairs,” Matthew explained, “We both care for you profoundly, so we decided to try to act like gentlemen for your sake.”

I must have seemed impressed at the news because yet another astonishing thing happened - Matthew and Harry shared an amused look!

“Well, I appreciate it, you two,” I said, “thank you.”

Harry reached to hold my hand for a moment, and squeezed it. “Anything for you.”

I smiled brightly at him, feeling grateful. I’d known Harry for the longest time, and I knew this kind of thing was hard for him.

“So, Matthew,” I began, still holding Harry’s hand, “why was it you desperately needed to whisk me off? To tell me something?”

Matthew wore an apprehensive face. I assumed it had to do with the fact that he had no idea how I would react to whatever information he had to tell me. He probably wouldn’t like me to blow a tornado through his lovely home.

“Right, yes, well first I think it would be best if you begin to explain your situation we’ve been analysing to Harrison. After all, it’s not my place to disclose such information.”

I took a sip of wine and turned to my boss.

“We’ve found out that I have… powers,” I started. Harry’s eyes widened with surprise.

“You’re a metahuman?” he wondered aloud.

“Not exactly. Matthew took a sample of my blood and it turns out… I’m a witch, Harry.”

“A witch?”

“Mmhm,” I confirmed with a nod before glancing at Matthew. He gave me an encouraging smile to continue. “It’s passed down through blood, so one of my parents was a witch as well, and I got their magic. I can do things, things I can’t control, like the tornado earlier and I smashed some glass beakers just by closing my fist when Matthew first told me.”

“Laurie, that’s… that’s phenomenal,” Harry stuttered at the information. While we had shared experiences with witnessing and believing in the impossible, we had never come across magic or witches in Central City, let alone vampires. This news only widened our spectrum of what was possible.

“There’s something else,” Matthew added, eyeing me from over his wine glass. Both my and Harry’s gazes spun to his.

“There is?” I asked, eyebrows raised. What more could there possibly be? He’d already turned my world around, what else was there to say? Matthew put down his glass and covered my free hand with his.

“Miriam and I did another genetic test on your latest sample of blood and the results came back different this time…” He paused slightly, but not long enough for me to formulate any words in question. “At first, I thought I was looking at the wrong results. They were completely different from anything I’d ever seen before, but it seems to be that you’re half witch, but you’re also half daemon.”

I just stared at him, not quite sure what this information meant for me. How much did this change things?

“How often does that happen?” Harry asked, gently rubbing his fingers on my hand to soothe me.

“Never,” Matthew replied definitively. “I’m quite certain that Laurie is one of a kind, in the whole of history.”

I thought I needed more wine to continue with this discussion. I smiled sheepishly and held out my glass to Matthew.

“Would you mind?”

The rest of the evening was lovely after our chat about the surprising other half of myself. We all had retired to Matthew’s salon where Harry browsed the biochemist’s vast collection of literature, and I sat on the sofa, zoned out and pondering my abilities and the meaning of my life.

Please don’t have an existential crisis in the home of a vampire, I begged myself. Matthew flicked past a series of vinyl records near the record player on his desk. A smooth and calming melody played through the speakers.

Matthew walked over and held out his hand to me where I sat.

“May I have this dance, ma chérie?”

I glanced over at Harry, who was thumbing through one of Matthew’s books from his vast bookshelf. He didn’t exactly look bothered by the offer, which again was unsettlingly different from what I was used to. And it must have been the amount of wine coursing through me because I was not normally fond of dancing. I was always afraid I’d make a fool of myself, so I generally tried my best to stay away from dancing altogether. But I lent Matthew my hand and he pulled me to my feet.

He brought me close, his hand resting on the small of my back as mine went to his upper arm. He smiled softly and began to sway to the tune of the music, leading me in our dance. He made me twirl and spin back into his arms, all trying to get me to forget what I’d learnt this evening and just try to have a little fun with him.

I heard Harry shut his book amidst all the twirls and spins. He came a little closer to watch us dance, or maybe just me. I think I saw him smiling.

I was giggling in Matthew’s arms as we spun on the spot before he used one arm to spin me out from his chest again, but this time let go, and my momentum carried me into Harry’s waiting hold. I stared up at him, momentarily confused by the change in position and the way he looked at me was unlike anything else I’d ever known. He brushed his hand over my cheek and I leant into his touch, momentarily forgetting that Matthew was also in the room. Though my skin erupted into goosebumps, it suddenly felt quite a lot warmer around me, but I thought that that had more to do with Harry than anything else.

Whether it was the wine or just something inside me that said ‘screw it,’ I didn’t know, but I found myself leaning up on my toes and pressing my lips to his.

It was electric the moment we connected. Harry’s hands on me were firm and wandering, while his lips mimicked the same. My head spun with a dizzying desire, and I’m not sure I had the ability to control myself anymore.

I felt an icy presence behind me, and it gave me the most intense sensation as it mixed with the heat of Harry kissing me like he never had before.

Then I felt a second pair of lips on the back of my neck.

Matthew’s hand settled on my hip as his whole body pressed against me as he trailed his inhumanly cold lips over my skin, paying particular attention to the side of my neck, where I felt his teeth graze against me. I let out a short gasp into Harry’s mouth, who just held me close against his chest. I wound one hand into his hair as the other covered Matthew’s at my side. I couldn’t work out if I was in some sort of incredible dream.

When Harry and I pulled away a fraction, I was panting, and looking up into Harry’s lustful gaze only made it worse. Matthew was still peppering kisses to my skin, but when I turned my head, he stopped and looked at me. Our noses brushed against each other for a second before I found an angle where I could meet his lips.

Every part of my body tingled and quaked from their touch, and I could not for the life of me differentiate the feeling between magic and lust. It felt so powerful. I could have sworn it was both.

Matthew’s mouth met and left mine repeatedly, each time getting a little rougher and fiercer. I felt Harry squeeze my hand from behind me. I broke our breathtaking kiss for a moment to look back at my boss, then to Matthew again, whose eyes were extra round and as black as night.

I chewed on my lip for a second, before deciding to take the lead. I took both their hands in mine and began to back up out of the room, leading them up the stairs and towards the bedroom I’d used to change in after my bath. There was no way I could reel in the emotions currently flowing through me. I needed them both to help satisfy the feelings I had, and this fire within me that they’d collectively helped to ignite. I needed so much more.

I stopped at the foot of the bed in the room and faced the two scientists standing side by side. They were waiting - waiting for me to make the next move to hurtle us all into something so undiscovered…

“I need you both,” I said, looking them each in the eye, “equally and urgently, or else I feel like I’m going to burst-” my voice faltered at the end of my sentence. Harry and Matthew moved to stand on either side of me, each retaking my hands.

“Anything for you,” Harry said thickly.

“Tell us what you need,” Matthew purred.

“I need you to make love to me,” I said, utterly breathless as I glanced at each of them.

“That we can do, Princess,” Harry replied, his voice low and it sent a shiver right through me.

Matthew gave me a darkened look as his hand ran over my waist before, in the blink of an eye, he disappeared from my sight, but I felt his hands as he pulled the cardigan off of my shoulders from behind and threw it onto the floor. Although the old house had been a little on the chilly side, I certainly didn’t need the extra layers now.

Harry took my face in his hands again before he kissed me long and hard, nibbling on my lip just to hear me squeak in surprise. I felt the chuckle radiate through his chest where my hands were pressed against it.

I started to remove my top and Matthew took it from me once it was over my head, tossing it without looking where it might end up. Harry then walked me slowly backward until the back of my knees hit the mattress behind me. I sat down, and both men helped me to rest comfortably against the pillows with hungry eyes.

Harry crawled up beside me on the right, and my hands immediately went under the fabric of his black sweater, running my hands over the muscles of his stomach like I’d been wishing to do since the first night we’d arrived in England and I’d gotten a glimpse of him shirtless. He seemed to understand my hint and pulled the item over his head before his lips went to my chest, placing passionate kisses in between my breasts.

Matthew, meanwhile, had positioned himself to my left and leant in to kiss my already swollen lips. On their own accord, my fingers began to work on the buttons of his shirt, and he shrugged it off without once breaking our kiss.

When our lips parted, the vampire slinked down to undo my jeans while maintaining that heady eye contact. Harry, in this moment, had moved to where Matthew once was and kissed up my neck to eventually meet my lips. The biochemist’s long and slender fingers danced along the hem of the denim. The way they popped the button and undid the zipper felt as if I was suspended in time. With a quick and forceful tug, they were off, and I gasped into Harry’s mouth.

Matthew’s hands ran over my waist to hold my hips, his cold skin like ice compared to how warm I now was. It sent shivers running all over me.

I felt him nuzzle his nose into the last remaining piece of fabric between my legs before placing a kiss there. The feeling currently running through me was indescribable. I just knew I needed him not to stop.

Harry’s lips left mine with a smack, which caused me to open my eyes and watch as his hand trailed down my side where it reached the edge of my panties, and together with Matthew, they both pulled them down my legs, where the item was thrown from the bed. I let out another little gasp that turned into a half moan at just the thought of what was to come.

At last, I felt the kiss of Matthew’s cool lips between my legs. I sighed and let my head fall back against one of the pillows, tossing and turning as I felt the pleasure of each kiss gradually grow longer.

“Yes…” I breathed.

Harry began to kiss me again, running a hand up my body to caress my breast. It’s as if he was making up for lost time, now that I knew he had harboured the same feelings I had. I never wanted him to stop either.

One of my hands ran up Harry’s arm and gripped his bicep while the other clutched the end of the pillow where I repeatedly dug my nails into it when I felt Matthew’s tongue swirl around my clit. I moaned into the kiss, pushing my hips up to try to get closer to Matthew, but his hands pushed me firmly back against the mattress.

Harry’s lips left mine, allowing me to look into his eyes which had turned more black than blue now. He licked his lips and then whispered in the sexiest growl I’d ever heard, “How about we hear you, Baby?”

A noise escaped me just due to the combination of Harry’s words and the magnificent things Matthew was doing between my thighs. The physicist kissed down the column of my throat before nipping at my collarbone and then sucking a mark there.

My series of whines had grown beneath my panting. “More,” I begged, though I’m not sure to which man. Either way, they both responded to my need. When Matthew’s talented mouth stopped its swirling motions, I almost made a cry, but instead he made a low rumbling sound in his throat - so animal-like - and pressed himself deeper into me and began to suck at my clit.

“Matthew,” I moaned, followed by a curse and accidentally grabbed Harry’s hair a little too hard as he marked my skin. He stared at me briefly, and I was about to apologise, but I had supposedly flipped another switch inside him. With an expert twist of his fingers, Harry undid my front-clasped bra, proceeding to bury his face into my chest.

“Harry…”

It was almost too much. I’d never felt anything this intensely before, and I wondered briefly if my newly found magic could be amplifying the sensations these two wonderful men were providing. And if it was, I couldn’t have been more grateful to have discovered this part of myself.

I could feel the tightness begin to coil within me, and I arched my back with a mewl that let them both know how close I was getting.

Harry was biting and sucking every inch of my skin that he could get to as my fingers continued to tug on his hair, now that I knew he liked that, whilst Matthew was incessant in his pursuit of giving me everything I wanted and needed.

I knew I wouldn’t hold on much longer.

My voice faltered as my breathing became all the more difficult to control. The relentless flick of Matthew’s tongue at my wet heat, Harry’s mouth creating his final mark of delicious pain and pleasure… that’s when it happened.

My eyes squeezed shut, then opened wide. Harry, Matthew, Matthew, Harry. They consumed me, and I happily lost myself to them with their names and various profanities on my tongue. I felt the heat rise from my skin and the dimmed room grew in brightness.

I stared up at the ceiling, still letting the waves of pleasure wash throughout my entire body. I’d never known a feeling this intense before.

Matthew licked me clean and he placed one last lingering kiss to my folds before pulling back to study me. Harry pressed his lips over the sore patches he’d left as I tried to control my breathing, running a hand through my hair.

It took me a few moments to come back from the blissful place I’d been taken to, but when I finally looked in front of me to see Harry and Matthew, I saw that my whole body was glowing. Brighter than it ever had before.

Matthew was peering up at me from between my legs, and Harry from my side, awe present in both of their expressions.

“Incredible…” Matthew breathed, crawling up the bed to take my hand when the light I was emitting began to dull again. He kissed the back of my hand and then up my arm just to see the light intensify again.

“Remarkable,” Harry noted with twinkling eyes, and I wondered if it was the reflection of my light in them. He interlocked our fingers and brought them up to his mouth to kiss. Harry shifted next to me, and I felt him hard against my side.

“Oh, Harry…” I went to touch him, and he shuddered at the contact. I immediately began to undo his belt and zipper when his hand covered mine again.

“You don’t need-”

“-Stop.” I interrupted him. If Harry thought I wasn’t going to repay the favour and leave both him and Matthew in this state, he was wildly mistaken. “I want to do this for you.” I ran my palm over the bulge in his boxers and watched him swallow quickly. Then I turned to face Matthew, still with my hand down Harry’s pants.

“What can I do for you, Matthew?” My voice came out low and sultry and very unfamiliar to me. I think both men were surprised to hear it too. Matthew leaned in close to me.

“I am willing to take as much or as little as you want to give me,” he practically purred in my ear before kissing me repeatedly. I could still taste myself on him.

I pulled away and glanced at Matthew and then Harry, deciding how best to repay them. Chewing on my lip, I took my hand away from Harry and undressed Matthew as much as I had Harry, so that only their underwear was left in my way.

They were both watching me so intently, though I didn’t feel in any way uncomfortable under their gazes, even if I was naked in front of them. My glow was brightening again as I unveiled both of them from their boxers, and my head felt like it was spinning.

I had a surging need to make them feel as good as I had. I took each of them in hand, giving the scientists equally hard strokes. Harry moaned while Matthew sighed, creating the most beautiful combination of sounds. They didn’t need to beg for more, I just felt it, and slowly but surely upped the pace of my tugs.

My name was on Harry’s tongue followed by his own swears, but it would seem my neck was the object of Matthew’s attention. The skin where he stared at me was freezing.

I think he wanted to taste me.

As if reading my thoughts, Matthew leant in and growled in my ear.

“Satisfy your human first, and then I can have you.”

The tone of his voice made me begin to ache with want again, and I nodded, slowing my hands to a stop on both of them before shuffling on my knees to sit right in front of Harry.

This way, it would allow me to give all my attention to each of them in turn and give them the most pleasure possible.

Harry’s baby blues opened and stared at me in confusion as to why I’d stopped. My hand came up to stroke his cheek as I whispered, “it’s alright.” Then, looking up at him through my lashes, I let my mouth meet his tip, placing a few kisses and licks to it, before taking as much of him as I could into my mouth. He made a stifled moan and buried his hand in my hair.

I couldn’t even remember how many times I’d fantasised of doing this exact thing to him, late at night when boredom and lust consumed me.

I felt icicle-like fingers glide down my spine, and I made a whine at the sensation and creating a vibrational hum around Harry. His hand gripped my hair a little tighter by accident, but I welcomed it. It spurred me on.

The cold fingers on me slid to my rear, and as I continued to go down on Harry, Matthew curved his body over mine. I heard him inhale the scent of me, then felt a cold squeeze.

I moaned again around Harry’s cock, and his hips gave an involuntary buck upward.

“Laurie,” Harry said gruffly like my name was caught in his throat. He wasn’t going to last much longer.

I took him in my mouth a few times more, making another few noises that were prompted by Matthew’s wandering hands, and deliberately swirled my tongue around Harry so that he was right on the edge. I treasured the little noise he made as I removed my mouth from him and replaced it with my hand to bring him to orgasm.

I wanted to watch his face the first time he came for me.

His hand moved from my hair to my face as he stared into my eyes before blinking rapidly and letting out a breathy moan when he finally came over my hand. His expression was gorgeous, so blissful and happy, and it made me smile to know I’d put it there.

He lay back against the pillows when he’d finished, trying to control his breathing as I leant forward and pressed my forehead to his before kissing him softly and nuzzling against him. But I was aware of Matthew’s hands still on me from behind and slowly pulled back. Harry came back to himself and leant across to the bedside table to grab me a tissue and cleaned up my hand for me. I pushed myself back against the vampire who pressed closer to me.

“I think it’s my turn,” Matthew whispered huskily in my ear before nibbling on the lobe slightly.

“A-are you going to…?” I left my sentence to hang in the air. Surely, Matthew knew what I meant.

“Only if you want me to,” he replied, pressing his nose to my neck and inhaling the scent of me again. I closed my eyes and tried to remain calm, but I knew he could hear my heart racing like crazy.

“I want you to.”

In a split second, Matthew had me flipped onto my back on the bed with my hands pinned into the mattress. My chest heaved from the adrenaline coursing through me. Matthew’s mouth hovered hesitantly at the side of my neck.

“What are you doing?” comes Harry’s voice from behind me.

“Our lady has allowed me to have a quick drink,” Matthew said with a touch of annoyance at having delayed his teeth from sinking into me.

“If you hurt her, I swear to God, Clairmont-”

“I would never!” the vampire snarled at Harry.

“You better know what you’re starting-“

Matthew sat back on his heels slightly to glare at Harry. “Better than you do. Don’t make me drain you instead.”

The tone of Matthew’s voice and the way he was so tightly gripping my wrists now, I guessed it was his bloodlust overwhelming him. I’d effectively just offered myself up to him and now Harry was stopping him from satisfying himself, unintentionally teasing him and I was sure, pushing his restraint to the limit.

“Both of you, stop,” I said urgently, sitting myself up, and looking at Harry. “Harry, this is my choice, it’ll be okay.” Then, I took Matthew’s face in both hands to get him to look at me. “I said you could drink and I’m not about to take that away. Take what you need to.”

“If I can’t stop-“

“Shhh,” I said, stroking his cheek. “You will stop because you don’t want to hurt me. And besides, I think Harry will kill you if you don’t…”

He smiled at that, and I swept my hair back from my neck again in offering. I watched the vampire lick his lips.

“Be gentle with me, Matthew…”

“I’ll do my best, my darling.” Matthew waited a few long seconds, as long as I imagined a quick internal pep-talk would take. And then I felt the pierce of his teeth into my skin. I cried out at the breach and felt a dip in the mattress. Harry had moved to the other side of me and held my hand. Matthew’s lips suctioned to my sensitive skin, and as he sucked and swallowed the blood I offered him, I felt an entirely new definition of the word ecstasy. I didn’t understand the science behind it or how this act could feel this good, but I understood how dangerous this could be. It made my head rush, and I wanted him to keep going, no matter the consequences.

No wonder Matthew was hesitant.

I thought I couldn’t feel anymore pleasure in this moment, but I was terribly wrong once Harry’s own mouth found the other side of my neck and his hand between my legs.

I wasn’t even sure what sounds I was making, but I was sure I was loud. The combination of both of them sucking their own mark onto my neck and Harry working me so thoroughly, I knew I wouldn’t last. And Matthew would have to stop soon, I knew it, however much I wished for more of this feeling. I hoped Matthew was getting as much satisfaction from it as I was.

“Ah, please, please,” I whined, holding Matthew close as Harry’s fingers rubbed me hard and fast between my thighs. “Yes, yes, like that, I’m there, I’m-”

I made three clipped whimpers, then let out my silent cry from the intense euphoria washing over me until I slowly watched the room fade to black.

I didn't know how long I'd been asleep for, but I figured it had to have been a good while, as I felt significantly less tired than I had before, though my neck was still a little tender when I shuffled myself around slightly. I felt the presence of my men in the bed with me, all of us a tangle of limbs under the sheets.

I slowly opened my eyes and adjusted to the very dim light around me. Between the two of them, Harry and Matthew must have put me under the covers after I passed out and then got in with me.

Harry’s warmth enveloped me from behind, his arm around my waist where he was spooning me, with one foot hooked over my leg. In contrast, Matthew's coldness radiated from in front of me, one of his hands resting on my thigh and I'd managed to nestle myself against his chest and I realised my head was lying on his arm.

I could just make out his peaceful expression and smiled softly, letting myself fall back to sleep knowing I was perfectly sheltered between the most attentive and fiercely protective men in the world.

When I woke the second time, it was from the sun peeking through the slit in the curtains and onto my face. I yawned and stretched my limbs, suddenly aware that Harry and Matthew were no longer in the nice, warm bed with me.

I held the bedsheet up to my chest, in case either were to enter the room and put my clothes from the night before back on. I thought I heard the low, rumbling tones of the scientists carry up from downstairs, and I’m fairly sure I heard my name mentioned several times.

Not caring what a wretched mess I probably looked like, I padded down the old home’s staircase. I hadn’t even rounded the corner into the living room before Matthew’s voice said, “She’s awake.”

I entered the room and the expressions on both their faces made me think that they hadn’t been having a particularly pleasant chat. Harry looked anxious, stood over by the fireplace, and Matthew wore a look of resignation where he was hunched over himself in the armchair. They both looked towards me when I walked in.

“Good morning,” I said quietly when they remained silent. Matthew seemed to realise that I was on edge too now, due to the awkwardness that settled in the room, and tried to lighten the mood.

“Good morning, my dear, did you sleep well? How are you feeling?” he asked as I came further into the room, leaning up to kiss Harry’s cheek and then moving over to the vampire.

“I slept really well. I don’t feel any different to normal,” I told him, and it was mostly true. I still felt a little jittery, but I put that down to my magic rather than him having drunk from me. I think we were all aware that the last remnants of the spell suppressing my magic had broken last night. Matthew gestured for me to come over to him and I perched on his lap as he swept my hair back and studied the bite on my neck.

“It’s healing well,” he said finally, gliding his fingers over it, before getting me to look at him. “I’m sorry, Laurie, I didn’t mean to take that much. When you passed out-”

“Hey, I’m okay, don’t beat yourself up about it. I knew the risks when I offered,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him close to me. “It just felt so good… I wanted you to keep going,” I admitted quietly.

“You continue to astound me.”

“Welcome to my every day,” Harry said, coming over to plant a sweet kiss to the side of my head. I smiled up at Harry, and then to Matthew, but the latter still wore a slight frown. I played with the collar of his shirt.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Matthew paused before speaking.

“Well, I was just beginning to inform Harrison that, as of last night, we have broken one of the primary ancient laws of the Congregation.”

Congregation? Ancient laws? Harrison??

“I don’t understand what any of that means,” I looked to both of them, confused, “What law?”

“You were starting to say something about the consequences of intimacy between witches, vampires, and daemons?” Harry offered.

“Yes.” Matthew looked down before looking at me again. “Relationships between different species don’t happen, Laurie. For one-thousand years, it’s been forbidden by the Congregation, the council that oversees our world, which is made up of three vampires, three witches and three daemons.”

“And these nine people get to decide whether or not we’re happy?” I asked, taking his hand and intertwining our fingers just to emphasise my point.

Matthew let out a resigned chuckle. “It’s just how it works, darling. We may not like it, but for the sake of peace, everyone is expected to follow it. Because if we don’t, well… you’re the outcome of that… You’re quite possibly the most powerful creature ever born, and the Congregation fears that happening. They don’t even know it’s already come true.”

“But they don’t know about me, right?” I asked. I got the distinct impression that I should be scared of these people and what might happen to me.

“No, no, they don’t,” Matthew replied, bringing my hand up to kiss it, “and I want to keep it that way. But you and I together, we would draw too much attention. Someone is bound to notice that there’s something different about you and if the Congregation found out the truth, they will take you away and you’ll never get to live your life.”

I looked down at my lap as I took this information in. I could lose my freedom because of a decision my parents made? I never chose to be what I was. Then I had another thought.

“What about humans? You said relationships between species didn’t happen, does that include creatures with humans?” I asked, glancing at Harry who smiled quickly at me before I turned back to Matthew.

“It’s not as frowned upon, no. It’s far harder to avoid seeing as there’s so many of them now.” He looked at Harry as well, who took a step closer and put his hand on my shoulder.

“What does all this mean, Matthew? What are you trying to tell me?” I thought I knew what he was trying to get at but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear it.

Matthew’s hand found the back of my head and brought me in close so that our foreheads touched. “I’m telling you that for your own safety and well-being, we cannot continue together like this. I’m sorry.”

Did this mean I would never see Matthew again? I didn’t think I could bear the thought. Not after everything he’d shown and done for me. I choked back a sob.

“There has to be a way…” I tried hopelessly, realising it was pointless. Matthew just shook his head.

“You must return to America, to Central City,” he told me. “Learn to control your power and use it for good, and continue your good work with Harrison.” Matthew looked to Harry, whose hand was rubbing circles on my back. He gave my boss a resigned smile.

I couldn’t think straight and was nearly in tears. I didn’t realise Harry had helped me to stand while Matthew fetched our bags, saying something about needing to start the trek to the airport. Harry held me as we waited, swaying me gently back and forth. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

Matthew reappeared a couple of minutes later, going at a normal human pace instead of using his powers. Perhaps he needed the time to think.

He laid the bags down as I pulled away from Harry a fraction, and he reached into my bag, pulling out my thin, pale blue scarf. Ever so gently, he wrapped it around my neck and positioned the ends precisely over my chest. I peered up at him, eyes still misty with unshed tears.

“For the marks on your neck,” he explained with a small smile. “I’m sure you don’t want anyone asking questions at the airport.”

I nodded to show I understood, but I wasn’t sure that I could open my mouth to reply without sobbing. But luckily, Matthew had more to say.

“I called a taxi for you, and this is for when you get back home,” he said, handing me a white envelope. “Details of a witch very close to Central City, she’s an old acquaintance of mine, and she’s agreed to help teach you to control your magic. I told her that’s you’re immensely powerful, but no more than that. Tell no one the truth, Laurie, for your own sake. But she’ll be able to help you to live normally, in time.”

“Thank you,” Harry said for me, as I took Matthew’s hand and held it as tightly as I could. I never wanted to let go. Matthew leant down and kissed my head before resting his cheek against my hair. Harry held my other hand, still rubbing his thumb over my skin.

We waited there together for the inevitable arrival of our car, none of us saying a word and just holding each other until I finally spoke up.

“I love you. Both of you. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you both with me!”

“You are going to thrive.” Matthew stretched out the final word. The emphasis almost made me start to believe it. “And if I may say so,” he dared lock eyes with Harry, “I knew it was love for me the moment you stepped into my lab.”

“I can’t blame you,” Harry said to Matthew, and I turned to look up at him, and then Harry down at me. “Because I knew I loved you since your first day at work. Even if I idiotically tried to ignore it for far too long.”

I’d always wanted to hear those words from him. Harry loved me.

I brought his face down to mine for a kiss, closing my eyes, and letting my tears leak through my lashes. I was in love with two men who loved me back - a human and a vampire. I knew I’d be forever happy with Harry, but saying goodbye to the other third of my heart was still torture.

I heard the beginnings of rain pitter-pattering on the window panes. When our lips parted, Harry swiped my tears away with his thumb. He leaned into my ear and whispered, “Go.”

I knew what he was saying. I needed to say my final goodbye to Matthew.

Harry took our bags and went to wait by the front door for the taxi while I stood with Matthew in the entrance space, still not having let go of his hand.

He turned to face me, taking my other hand too as I continued to cry inaudibly, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“Don’t cry, my love,” Matthew said, tilting my chin up so that I could meet his expressive eyes. “You have Harrison and he is going to take the best care of you, or he will have me to answer to.”

I let out a half laugh and a sniffle as I continued to stare at him. I reached up and brushed the little bit of unruly hair out of his face before holding his cheek in my hand.

“I’m going to miss you like you wouldn’t believe,” I whispered.

“Try me. I have to live an eternity without you now,” he replied, sliding his hand around my waist and to the small of my back so that our chests pressed together. “But I will never forget you, Laurie, you’re unique in every way. You’ll always own a piece of my heart.”

I couldn’t stop myself any longer. I pushed myself up on my toes and kissed him hard, my fingers winding into the hair at the nape of his neck so that I could hold him as close as possible.

A gust of wind swept in from outside because it would seem Harry had left the front door open. It swirled around us, whipping my hair around as I cupped Matthew’s cheeks to pour everything I was feeling into our last goodbye.

After kissing him for as long as my lungs and lips could bear, I hugged his neck and rested my head against his chest. And until my heart was strong enough, I took a step back from him, and said, “Thank you. For everything.”

Matthew Clairmont nodded once.

Harry returned, to lean in the open doorway. He looked like a wet dog, drenched with the witchrain I had supposedly conjured outside. It was still pouring down.

“Ready?” Harry asked me softly. I smiled at him. Bittersweet was a terrible understatement to describe this moment. He took a step in and extended his hand to Matthew.

“Clairmont,” he said in the tone he uses when talking with people he respects in a business setting.

Matthew shook his hand and said humorously, “Harrison, I think you now have the right to call me Matthew, old chap.” Harry shook his head with a puff of air as laughter.

“Matthew. Email me any time. We’ll continue our discussion about logistics.”

“Right.”

Harry took my hand and lifted it and pressed it to his lips. “Let’s go.”

I turned to Matthew one last time as he pressed a kiss to my head before Harry took me out into the rain, sheltering me as much as he could with his body and helping me into the taxi. The tears started tracing their way down my cheeks again as we began to pull away and I watched Matthew through the back window. He waved at me but gradually became too small to see clearly any more.

I leaned into Harry’s side and tried to calm myself back down, taking deep breaths and wiping my tears away. I knew this must be hard for Harry, knowing that I loved him so completely but having to share that emotion with Matthew as well, but he held my hand tightly and didn’t let me go throughout our whole journey.

The rain followed us almost all the way to the airport, but I guessed that was a given seeing as I was the one causing it. It was slightly thrilling to know I was capable of something on that scale, however sad I was.

But, as we approached our destination, it began to lessen, and when it was time to get out of the car, it stopped.

Harry paid the driver and we each took our bags into the building before holding hands again and making our way through the place. I never wanted to be separated from this man for the rest of my life.

Central City seemed like a different world since I’d discovered the beauty of old Oxford, but then, so much else had changed in my life, I felt like wherever I was, I would feel that way. In some place enchanted and a little bit surreal, but in the best way possible.

Harry and I were wonderfully happy together now. I couldn’t remember a time when I felt this good about everything in my life, even if it didn’t include much of a certain handsome vampire over in England.

I’d started to see the witch Matthew had recommended almost immediately when we’d gotten back home in an effort to stop any more major incidents like my witchrain. I’d been making steady progress with it and now had much more confidence with using my gifts around the apartment, and had far fewer accidental mishaps with shattering glasses and the like.

Harry always asked me how I was getting on after each lesson and was still awed when I gave certain demonstrations like summoning objects and make them do what I wanted. I still had the occasional issue when controlling my emotions around other people, including one close-shave with a colleague at work when I’d made it start to snow when I was annoyed. I hadn’t been able to stop my pink glow during sex either, but I’d come to realise that Harry actually rather liked that…

We now shared a bed on a much more permanent and deliberate basis, as I’d virtually moved into his apartment not long after we’d gotten home and things had only progressed from there. It was wonderful to know I’d always get to wake up next to him after pining for so long.

My cheerful mood followed me into work on a particular morning, smiling brightly as I put my bag on the side and went to sit at my desk to go through any notices that needed checking before I got down to my work. But there was a surprise waiting for me there when I sat down and pulled my chair forwards.

There was an envelope sitting on the desk surface with my name in an elegant script staring back up at me. I picked it up and looked around suspiciously for any prying eyes before using a touch of magic. Holding the envelope in one hand, I placed the other on top, palm down, and let the words inside tickle my skin.

I gasped and dropped the envelope.

It was a letter. I felt the presence of Matthew in his written words from within.

It had been months since we parted last autumn. Matthew and I kept in touch fairly regularly after that through email, whether it be my “assistant self” regarding business matters between him and Harry or my “witch-daemon self” having a wistfully romantic conversation with my vampire ex-lover. But as time went on, I heard less and less from Matthew Clairmont. There came a time when I began to hear nothing from him at all, and I wondered if maybe he was graciously stepping aside after hearing the news about Harry and I.

I was aware that he and Harry also spoke semi-regularly, probably talking about me and how I was doing as well as their science, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if Harry had told Matthew about his plans to propose to me beforehand, just so the vampire would have been prepared for the news.

We all knew that there was no changing what could happen between us, but I doubted it could be easy for him to hear it.

I debated leaving reading the letter until I went home this evening, just in case the contents caused me to lose control of my emotions. But in the end, curiosity got the better of me and I carefully ripped the envelope open. I covered my mouth with my hand as I began to read.

Dear Laurie,

First, I would like to apologise for the lack of communication on my part. I selfishly needed time to process the news that Harrison passed on to me a few months ago. Which brings me to the main reason for this letter.

I believe congratulations are in order.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before this took place, and Harrison is only doing what any self-respecting man would do in this situation, which is to make sure that he gets to be with you for the rest of his life. I don’t begrudge him that, I only wish that circumstances had been different in several ways so that I would have been able to spend more time with you and given you all the love that you deserved. But Harrison is a good man, who will give you everything you’ll ever want or need, and I know how much he loves you and that you will live a wonderful and exciting life with him by your side. I wish you all the happiness and fortune in the world for this next step in your life.

Harrison tells me of your progression in a particular, shall we say, variety of “arts” and from what I understand, you are a natural and a true force to be reckoned with. Though, I think we all knew that from the get-go. I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments in the study of your birthright. I know you will go on to do even more amazing things, Laurie. It’s in your blood.

Lastly, I will say this - Saying goodbye to you remains to this day one of the hardest things I’ve had to bear in my exceedingly long life. The love I felt (and yes, still feel) for you will continue on until you’ve long passed, and that will be something I will hold with me forever after. I will always love you, Laurie, and should you ever need me for any reason whatsoever, I will be there for you in an instant.

Again, congratulations on your nuptials, and give my best to Harrison.

All my love,

Matthew x

I put the letter down on the desk, rereading it several times over as I brushed my fingers over his name at the bottom of the paper. I felt a mixture of happiness at hearing from him again with sadness at thinking about him, left alone in England while Harry and I were together over here. I picked up the paper again, holding my hand over it so that I could feel him through his writing, and smiled softly at his presence, however slight.

The door to Harry’s office suddenly opened to my right and my fiancé stepped out, concern evident all over his face.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly, taking a few quick steps over to my desk and leaning up against it as I looked up at him. “It started to rain and I wondered if… you know, if it was you?”

I let out a chuckle as I shook my head and placed my hand on his thigh. “Harry, just because it’s raining doesn’t mean that I’m upset, okay? I’m getting good at that bit now,” I told him and he nodded in a way that told me he knew he was being overprotective.

“So, you’re okay?”

“Yes, I am.” I grinned ear to ear. “Matthew sends his best to you.”

“Ah,” Harry said in understanding, “I’ll have to send him a message. Good man. I’ve always liked him.”

I let out a burst of laughter and leaned into Harry. “Yeah, sure you did, baby.”

He chuckled into my hair. One of his arms wrapped around me and held me close.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “Perhaps we should invite him to the wedding? Or is that waving it in his face a little? I don’t know what the etiquette is here.”

We both laughed and I stood up, shaking my head. I picked up my letter again and held it close to my chest. Matthew’s presence radiated from it again and I felt like I was being hugged by him again. And when Harry slipped his arms around me from behind and leant his head against mine, I knew I was still surrounded by the love of these two men.

And with it, I knew I could go on to do anything and everything that this world put in my path.

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