#how SWEET are they? in fine JP form

[pennielane]

in which john and paul giggle together like little schoolgirls

[glitchtricks94]

Picked Your Poison

Vil Schoenheit x Tomboy!Reader

Welcome to my first fic here. I don't have access to playing the games and I'm still working through watching the translations. Please be gentle and let me know your thoughts, and if you have any tips, they'd be greatly appreciated, with that, I hope you enjoy and I'll hopefully see you sometime next millennia, take care of yourselves, peeps. -GlitchTricks *Gender Neutral Pronouns used!* *JP Terms used! (Madol, dorm leaders, etc...)* Word count: 5.1k Vil was at the end of his rope. He was losing his mind from your antics, your messiness and just...everything that makes you, you. It drove him insane as he plotted out the points where he felt everything he had regarding you as a simple potato with next to no worth to him began to steadily crumble to dust.

First, you assaulted his sleep. Many nights went by that the ever so famous actor/model where he poured over his thoughts of you. Vil would lie awake under his various covers, staring up at the canopy curtains that hung over him with a scrunched up expression, perfect, plush lips pressed into a fine line, his jaw clenched tightly alongside his hands. The blonde had gone to bed at curfew, 10 p.m. as per usual. Yet now the clock had just ticked over to midnight, Vil still lying awake. His mind was refusing to quell itself into the soothing emptiness he was normally able to achieve via some simple meditation. Any thoughts he'd cleared out had been replaced by the annoyingly endearing Ramshackle prefect; the sweet smiles, the obnoxious laughter, the pure strength when they played sports with the other students, all of it drove him wild in what he considered to be the worst ways possible. Vil sat up, letting out a groan at what he was perceiving to yet another sleepless night, seeing as how you've waged war on his brain, yet again. The blonde pondered getting some sleep aid medications, but ultimately decided against it. He couldn't risk putting anything he hadn't researched thoroughly enough to ensure the upkeep of his beauty. It might ruin everything he's worked for! And just who did you think you were, stealing his beauty sleep from him, you...you...you pathetically cute potato! Vil gripped at his hair and slammed his back down on his mattress, a groan slipping past his lips. "Stupid potato. They aren't even that special, why are they invading my mind?" Vil mumbled to himself, turning and staring at his disheveled form; tousled hair, bright lavender eyes filled with frustration, and perfect, snow white skin practically glowing in the soft moonlight that infiltrated the room, soft yellows and pinks coloring parts of his wall. He thought he looked terrible at the moment until the tiny voice that had resided in the back of his head spoke up, yet again, much to his dismay. "They'd say you look stunning like always though, wouldn't they?" "Yes...yes, they would tell me such kind words..." He whispered to himself, breaking the staring contest he held with his reflection, slowly starting to relax as he dove deep into his thoughts once more. Vil spent another night falling into sweet fantasies of holding you close to him as he did his makeup for another day at Night Raven College, your honey sweet voice whispering sweet nothing of love and soft compliments of adoration to him, a ghost of a smile appearing on the blonde's lips. He finally felt himself falling into a sweet decent into sleep, just as the clock changed to 4 a.m. The male had to wake up in less than two hours to go on his usual morning run before indulging in a healthy smoothie and having a cheat day waffle with cinnamon and strawberries. Oh, what hell he has had the past week with you crashing into his sleep schedule...

Second, you ended up ruining his skin care efforts. A loud scream permeated the glorious halls of Pomefiore. Vil had awoken and checked himself in the mirror, finding a small set of three pimples sitting on her perfectly sculpted cheek, the dorm leader looking mortified. Grabbing his concealer, Vil swiftly went to work covering up the bright red dots that ruined his complexion, the filthy blemishes now hidden under a small pile of makeup. The man was livid. All of these sleepless nights have finally caught up to him and ruined his complexion! How dare you ruin his skin by invading his mind every night! Vil felt as though he had every right to punish you for your crimes against his beauty routine. The blonde glared at his reflection with his teeth bared as Rook rushed into the room, his normally perfectly combed hair a rat's nest and his poisoned apple themed pajamas sitting on his broad frame. "Roi de Poison, whatever is the matter?! it must be monumental to cause you to strain your vocal cords in such a cry!" The eccentric hunter exclaimed, looking at Vil with worry. "The prefect has ruined my skin! They've been keeping me up night after night, flooding my brain with useless thoughts of them and now my skin care routines need to be doubled, no, tripled to make up for the disgusting acne they caused!" Vil exclaimed angrily, turning to Rook with a fire in his eyes. "Go get cleaned up this instant! We have planning to do." Rook's signature, stoic smile came to his face as he clasped his hand over his heart, overwhelmingly charmed by this side of the beautiful being that was Vil Schoenheit; the fire in his eyes and dark furious expression on his face, the way his lips curled up to reveal his teeth; si belle! "As you wish, Roi de Poison, I shall aid you in concocting the perfect plan to use against the prefect of Ramshackle!" Rook said, looking at Vil with pure admiration. "Surely they must pay for destroying such beauty, although, you still look simply magnifique with your silky locks, perfect eyes, enchanting frame-" "Rook, shut up, and get dressed for the day this instant! I am not in the mood for flattery! I want that prefect's heart on a silver platter." Vil snarled, Rook simply chuckling with glee as he conceded and slipped away to attend to his own appearance. Vil turned back to the mirror, glaring at the spots that were so perfectly hidden on his cheek, vowing to make you pay for such disgrace.

Third, you somehow ruined his plans and caught another potato's eye. Vil's little plan had gone awry, the small potion he had mixed with some apple juice he had given to you had been drank by a Savanaclaw student you had gotten close with during the times you'd try and join in on Magift practice with Ruggie. The strange, rather revolting potato of a student instantly got a breakout on his face and groaned in annoyance. The dorm leader felt his heart squeeze with frustration and a cruel jealousy encapsuled his mind as he saw you ever so kindly comfort your friend, who looked at you like you were an angel sent from the stars. How dare that disgusting individual eye up something that was clearly supposed to be his! "Hey, man, don't worry, it's just a little acne. I managed to get a hold of some stuff to help get rid of that." Your sweet, kindly voice cooed. "Besides, ain't a little acne normal?" "Yeah, I guess so, still super annoying though..." The student replied, brown hair slightly swaying as he turned to look at you, brown eyes glistening in relief before you both snapped to attention at Leona's shout. "That's it, break it up, no mushy shit allowed here." Leona yelled, tossing a broom at that acne ridden potato. "Kastor, you and the prefect are gonna be riding the broom together, don't fuck this up." "Y-Yes, Dorm Leader!" Kastor nervously spoke, catching the broom that the lion threw. Vil couldn't believe what he was hearing, what he was seeing as he watched on with an expression of horror. As much as he adored the sounds of your laughter, the yells of victory you shared with Epel, that radiant smile on your face, he couldn't stand seeing you cozy up to Kastor Wayne of all people. It made his polished skin crawl with jealousy and disgust. You were laughing and giggling at jokes he made during the break, his shyer, quieter demeanor seemingly endearing you to his filthy charms. Isn't he aware of how unworthy he is of your time? How Vil himself would be a better companion and potential lover to you than that pathetic potato ever could?! He couldn't take anymore of this. He was furious about this and stomped out of the stadium where the Magift club always practiced, deciding that the club activities for Film Appreciation will be centered around how to take down an enemy, as well as the techniques actors and directors used to achieve the effects. He'd be imagining that he was slaying and cursing Kastor during the examples of this.

Vil sighed as he remembered those disgusting, longing looks that Wayne had sent you, the cunning expression on his face as he tried to be personable with your friends, specifically Epel. The country born child, however, had no interest and even openly saw Kastor trying to flirt with you. Ace started to act like your brother and barked about how if Kastor wanted to date you, he'd have to go through him first and get his approval, the little racoon thing you roomed with jumping in and agreeing. Vil couldn't hide his smirk when he witnessed that lunchtime debacle, seeing that ruffian get shut down hard when he was trying to squeeze in on your territory. Even now, a triumphant smile graced Vil's lips at the sweet memory of Wayne's proper humiliation. Serve's him just right for trying to mess with his potato. Vil froze with his train of thought, snapping back to reality as he stared at his reflection, his deep royal purple eyeliner perfectly done up in a thick cat eye style. When did he start thinking of you as his? Vil didn't know how to feel about this, his glossy lips pursing together as he gripped his vanity. Reflecting on his actions, he realized he was also putting more effort into his appearance, and not because you gave him a small breakout a little while ago, but because you seemed to poke your head in Pomefiore often. You always brushed off any questions from Rook about it, saying you were studying with Epel before darting away from Vil's trusted vice dorm leader, hiding away from those emerald eyes the hunter had. Rook never took offense, but rather, he confided to both Vil and Epel that he found such anticks by you terribly endearing. "The Trickster's cute expressions are an absolute delight, they run away like a little mouse after speaking with me! Hmhmhm~!" That is usually what Rook exclaims while sipping tea in the lounge of Pomefiore. The dorm leader was starting to get lost in his thoughts again when he heard a knock on his door, a perfectly sculpted eyebrow raising as he turned his attention to the entrance to his room. "Who is it?" He called out, breath hitching when he heard your voice. "Hey, Vil, it's me! Can I talk to you for a minute?" You called out, your chirpy tone permeating Vil's ears and making him internally panic. It was times like this that he blessed the day he decided to become an actor.

"Give me a moment, little spudling, I'm in the middle of fixing my hair!" Vil called back, the prefect letting out a sound of understanding.

It wasn't quite a lie, Vil did still have to get his hair just so with his crown resting elegantly on his head, pride in his appearance rolling off him in waves. "I'll see you in the longue, alright?"

"Sure thing, your highness!" You replied, giggling to yourself at the nickname you picked out for him. Vil smiled softly hearing your joyous voice calling out to him in such a manner, it was like music to his ears. He actually quite liked that particular nickname too; you bestowed it upon him after mentioning he looked like royalty. "Since you always look like royalty in your uniform, I guess I should refer to you as such, yeah?" Your sweet, little voice giggled, a wide smirk on your face as you took in Vil's expression of surprise before he let out a chuckle, the blonde setting his teacup on its saucer as he sat back against the plush couch of the Pomefiore lounge. "Yes, I suppose you should, little potato."

Vil smiled again at the memory, fixing up his silky locks to their usual style, his hair shimmering softly in the light as he framed his features before carefully placing his crown on his head. He looked over his appearance in the mirror before nodding his head in satisfaction.

"Perfect." He whispered to himself before he left his room, head held high as he strode down the hall, heels clacking against the polished floors.

Vil couldn't deny the excitement that roared through his veins as he drew closer to the lounge, soft laughter soon filling his ears as he entered, catching sight of you and Epel playing around. The smaller boy was laughing and fighting against you as you held him in a soft headlock, messing up his hair with your fist, noogying your fellow first year affectionately.

Well, wasn't this infuriating? Vil had personally helped Epel style those messy locks of his into something somewhat pretty, even if his appearance was more cute and doll-like, much to Vil's annoyance: and now, here you were, prefect. Messing up all that hard work yet again!

The beautiful man couldn't hold such things against you though. That troublesome smile on your face where the apples of your cheeks rose to make those bright eyes crease with joy was a sight worth seeing. He'll let Epel off the hook this time since he was to thank for such a sight.

"Hey, c'mon, cut it out, prefect!" Epel complained through his laughter, his country accent and mannerisms slipping out. "You said Vil was meetin' ya here! Lemme go!"

"Nah, no way, Epel! You'll be fine, Vil usually takes awhile to perfect his looks, remember?" You replied playfully, laughing alongside the lavender locked boy.

"Well, I do try to take ample time to appear presentable at the highest regard." Vil spoke up, stepping deeper into the lounge and moving to stand before you and his underclassman, his hands on his hips. "However, it seems I cannot say the same for you, prefect, Felmier."

"D-Dorm leader! I-I can explain, truly, I-" Epel began to stammer, pulling out of your loosened grip with a frightened expression on his face, his tousled hair sticking up in all directions as he looked up at his dorm head. You looked up at Vil owlishly, your own hair messy as hell, as per usual. Well, perhaps not as messy as it normally was…You had managed to make it even more of a mess.

"Now, now, none of that, Epel. For once, you'll be getting off easy since I have business with the prefect. Go find Rook and have him fix your hair, then you are free to go until your lessons later this evening. Am I clear?" Vil said sternly, looking at Epel like how a mother would scold her children.

"Y-yes, Dorm leader! Thank you, dorm leader!" Epel cried, getting up and rushing out oy the room, harsh footsteps following after him. Vil tutted as he turned to look at you, his breath hitching silently as he took in how your eyes were looking at him, full of awe and wonder. "Prefect." Vil spoke, looking down at you. "Yes, your highness?" "Your hair is absolutely deplorable. Come, let's get you-" Vil paused, narrowing his eyes as he looked at your hair, his eyes widening. "Are those twigs in your hair?!" "Oh, yeah. I was climbing some trees earlier on a dare from Ace. Riddle was, uh, not too happy about me doin' that." You replied, grinning sheepishly at the Dorm Leader, who just sighed. "Must you always be this messy?" Vil asked, taking your wrist in his hand and dragging you back to his room where he could properly address the rat's nest on your head. Sitting you down at his vanity, Vil skillfully removed the tiny branches that were knotted into your hair, scolding you, however, it was all going in one ear and out the other for you. You were far too focused on Vil Schoenheit's glorious figure behind you, eyes trained on his beautiful form in the mirror as he tended to your tangled locks, nimble fingers brushing out knots before picking up some sort of hair product and a brush. You snapped out of any trance the Pomefiore student held over you when you felt the brush hit your hair, making a sharp yelp spring forth from your throat as the bristles got caught on a knot in the middle of Vil's stroke. "See! This is what I meant! Climbing through all those branches without tying your hair back will cause hideous knots to form!" Vil huffed in annoyance, his chastising tone rubbing you the wrong way. "Well, excuse me, princess!" You huffed, pouting slightly. "Last I checked, I don't always have twenty five different beauty products shoved up my ass at all times, so do forgive me for actually going off and having a bit of fun." "The audacity you carry, little potato." Vil huffed, trying to brush out the knots in your hair without yanking your hair like before, holding your matted locks in hand as he ran the brush through. "You're lucky I rather enjoy your company, I don't do this for just anyone." "Yeah, I know." You said, mood perking up at Vil's more gentle care began peaking out again. "Epel complains about how you pick on him." Vil scoffed, rolling his eyes as you let out a warm laugh, his own smile coming to his face as the beautiful dorm leader ran his fingers through your now silky smooth locks. Plucking a bottle off his vanity, he spritzed you with a rich, fruity smelling perfume; black cherries, raspberries, and caramel praline filled your senses and fluttered around you, clinging to your neck and shoulders. "There, now you look much better, my little potato." The blonde spoke, looking at you with pride. "Picture perfect, as per usual." You replied, winking at Vil's reflection, the actor's smile rising again as you injected that sweet, diamond in the rough personality into him once more. Honestly, at this point, Vil could be utterly addicted to you, if only you hadn't had so many undesirables thinking they could hold a candle to him. "But of course, spudling, you must look perfect if you are ever to be hanging on my arm." Vil said proudly, earning a surprised gaze from you. "Hanging on your arm? What do you mean by that?" "Oh, don't worry your little head over it, potato. Simply a phrase I use here and there." Vil hummed, waving off your concerns. Internally, however, he was screaming, crying and shaking in humiliation at uttering such a slip up. "Uhm...okay?" You spoke, giving the blonde a strange look. "So, anyways, I had a question for you." "Is that so? Well, I suppose I could spare you more of my time, though I do hope you'll make it quick." "Yeah, yeah, I know you're busy." You laughed before you felt your nerves kick in.

Was this really your best idea? No. Were at all confident? Fuck no. Were you still gonna go through with it? Duh, Ace bet you fifty madol, that's good money and you were poor. "I was actually wondering if you'd like to, maybe go on a date with me?"

Cue record scratch. Vil was looking at you like you had grown two heads on either shoulder; his pupils constricted, hand up at his chest like you just shot him, and an utter look of abhorrence written on his features. You weren't winning this bet, and you were currently cussing out Ace in a way that'd make sailors all over the globe blush at your word choices in your head. "Would you like to go on a date with me?" You reiterated, nervously looking to the side before you heard Vil let out a huff. Refocusing on him, you see the gloriously beautiful man frowning at you, his hands on his hips. "Really? That's how you decide to ask me out, prefect?" He asked indignantly. "Uh, yeah? How else are you supposed to ask the most attractive guy on campus out?" You replied, folding your arms over your chest, mirroring Vil's energy. He scoffed at your bratty behavior.

"Prefect, surely you understand the issue here?" "No. Please, enlighten this poor, unkempt potato, your majesty." "It wasn't that you asked me out, but how." Vil stated, acting as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "You come in, only baring a hideously messy hairstyle and your charms, nothing to really entice; no flowers, no sweets, not even a love letter! Really, prefect, what were you expecting, putting so little effort into anything?" "I don't know! I was expecting you to laugh and brush it off like other people asking you out!" You exclaimed, now feeling thoroughly wrung out. That tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and all those shitty romcoms Cater and Malleus had gifted you actually sound pretty good right now: all you wanted to do was hide and not come out. "Oh please, I usually verbally lacerate those potatoes, you're quite lucky I'm even considering taking you up on such an offer." Vil huffed, looking down at you with his head held high. "Wait, did you just-" "I'll gladly go out with you, darling, however, I shall be treating you since I know that furry little racoon you live with eats through your funds. I'll be choosing where we go to eat, our outfits and the like." Vil explained, folding his arms and closing his eyes. If you squinted, you could see the lightest of pinks appearing on his cheeks. "I'll simply message you all the details, my dear, you need not worry over such matters. Am I clear?" "You're actually gonna go out with me?!" You exclaimed, looking at Vil with wide eyes, your jaw slack, Vil opening his eyes and pressing two fingers under your chin to close your mouth. "But, of course, darling. This is a gem of an opportunity, and with a few touch ups, you'll be as beautiful as a lotus blossom." Vil said, his voice holding a certain warmth you don't ever recall him using with you. "Although, it will be a few weeks until we can actually go out, but I'll make sure to dedicate the entire night to you when the time comes." "I...uh...w-wow, I didn't- Gosh, this was just- You don't really-" "Hush, spudling. I'll take care of everything, you go on back to your little friends now if that's all you needed of me." Vil cooed, trailing his fingers along your hairline and tucking a stray lock behind your ear. You didn't know how to respond, any of your usual remarks having died on your tongue as you nodded dumbly, allowing Vil to guide you out of Pomefiore with a soft hand on the small of your back. By the time you came back from your little daydream land, you were sat in Ace and Deuce's shared room with the rest of your friends, Grim purring on your lap while you ran your fingers along the grain of his fur.

"So, prefect, where's the fifty ya owe me now?" Ace asked teasingly, earning a punch in the shoulder from Deuce. "Don't say things like that Ace, the prefect's been silent since they got back! They could be dealing with heartbreak!" The dark haired first year said angrily, trying to defend your honor, the sweetheart. "I'm not sure that's the face of someone who's heartbroken, guys." Epel chimed in, looking at your flushed complexion. "Wait...so...I'm not dreaming right now?" You finally spoke, looking around at your fellow first years. "No? What gave you that indication, prefect?" Jack asked, his ears flicking as he tilted his head in confusion at you. "I actually got a date with Vil. He said he'd take care of the setting up everything and then text me the details." "What?! Bullshit, no way he'd do that, you know how far up his own ass he is!" Ace exclaimed. "Language, human! Such vulgarities are-" "Shut up, Sebek, bitch is spillin' tea!" Epel barked, his country accent slipping out as he looked at you, cutting the Diasomnia student off. You sighed, and patted Sebek on the shoulder as you got to your feet, Grim cradled in your arm. "It's fine, Sebek, didn't expect the idiots to believe me, anyways." "I believe it, Vil's nuts over you." Epel said, Jack humming in agreement. "He often stares at you when we're at lunch, I've caught him scowling too." Jack hummed, folding his arms. "He seemed rather happy when Ace and Grim ran off Kastor." "I was ready to pummel that guy, he practically drooled over the prefect..." Deuce sighed, shaking his head. "Wayne's chill, but super not my type." You said, wrinkling your nose. "Yeah, ya like pretty boys." Ace snicked, earning an backhanded slap from Sebek. "Silence. Why do any of you care about the prefects romantic life?" The half fae asked. "Because life's boring and tea is tea." Epel replied, earning an eyeroll from everyone. "Alright, ladies, that's enough gossip, y'all lost your tea privileges. Except for Sebek and Jack, they were good to me." You spoke, earning shocked and betrayed expression from Ace, Deuce and Epel. "What the fuck, we share a club, dude!" Epel whined. "I'm not an official member, lack of magic, so I can't quite play Magift like you guys. Besides, I visit everyone else." "They're actually quite good with the hurdles and long jumps in track and field." Deuce said, perking up slightly. "And they're half decent at basketball, great distraction for Floyd." Ace snickered, earning a glare. "And you whine about me not showing up enough." You sighed, starting towards the door. "Well, Grim and I have to be on our way, gotta study, or in Grim's case, stuff his face with tuna." "Hey, I don't always eat!" Your monster friend barked. "You're literally the reason why we're almost always broke, you're lucky that I know how to cook and grow shit to eat." You huffed as you walk down the hallway of Heartslabyul. Ace turned to Epel, grinning. "So, you got any details?" The readhead asked, earning a groan from the country kid. "I ain't sayin' shit, I like being alive." "Aw, come on!" ==============================================

A few hours had passed since you had left your gossip hungry friends to starve. Head buried in your textbook, you raked your eyes over words your brain simply refused to absorb, the words seemingly blending together after two straight hours of studying with no breaks. A groan tumbled from your throat as you marked your page and closed the book, slamming your head on the desk, the seedling for another migraine being planted. Another groan of annoyance sounded as your phone chimed. Slapping your hand on the device, you checked the messages and allowed a tired smile to come to your face. Vil had apparently arranged for a simple, or what he had deemed as simple, spa date in the Afterglow Savannah. You didn't quite know how to feel about so much cash being dumped on you, but you supposed you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. You messaged a confirmation, and then got back to work, now simply left to wait for the date to come forth and shower you with the spoils of your gall. Vil, on the other hand, felt like he had landed the best role in his entire career! It wasn't exactly everyday that he got to impress his precious potato with his prowess as a potential lover, and ever since he saw Kastor trying to worm his way onto your heart, he's been hungry for an opportunity to present itself. How ironic that it'd be you gifting such a thing to his heart. All Vil had to do now is ensure that this date will destroy any possibilities for any competing suitor by decimating them purely through his own charms and romantic repertoire. Simple, non? Vil felt his confidence skyrocket when you asked him out, the blonde relishing in how your eyes were only on him during the moment, even if your method was a bit bland, but it didn't matter because it was still all you. He couldn't deny that you asking him on a date was what he had been dreaming of for more than the past two weeks, so this was simply golden. The only annoying thing was that Vil now had to deal with the giddiness that would be wracking his bones for the next three weeks, given all the photoshoots his agent had lined up for him. "Damn Bernard, why must he always make things so perfectly lined up in the worst ways possible?" Vil huffed to himself as he looked through his schedule, his eyes staring longingly at the date of yours and his romantic spa day. However, all of this only steeled his resolve. He was going to push through anything and everything to make you his, as was the natural tenacity of a Pomefiore dorm member. Vil Schoenheit had picked his poison, and he was going to down the vial and take whatever consequences that followed, for his heart demanded such a sacrifice for his star.

[ghostiiess]

[NSB IMAGINES] - "your anxiety is lying to you, my love"

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pov: you have an anxious day and justin is here to help you!

REMEMBER!! To whoever's doing anxiety right now or have anxiety, know that I'm so proud of you of how you become and how you became <3 you are doing so well, my love. a lot of people are proud of you and if you can't think of one, think of me. i'm proud of you! i know it's hard, i, myself, have anxiety but know that everything is going to be fine and everything will be okay, i promise. you can do it, i believe in you. you got this <3 please, continue to be strong, it'll be worth it at the end of the day, i promise.

warning: talk and mention about anxiety, anxiety attack, mention of being scared for the future, mention of toxic parents, unhealthy and hurtful comments said towards the parent's child (just to clarify: you are not a child in this imagine!!)

type: comfort!

member: justin phan

words counts: 15 249 characters

You woke up with a lump in your stomach at around 8:23 in the morning. You had been trying to breathe in and out for about 15 minutes trying to get your anxiety out and maybe feel a little better. It was a technique your boyfriend used with you on days like today.

You sighed, not able to get it out off your chest and turned to him.

Justin Phan.

He looked so peaceful, so relaxed, so... cute and adorable.

You wanted to wake him up and explain how you felt, how your anxiety were doing today, but you knew it wasn't a great idea. After all, it was only a little bit of anxiety and it would go away in a few minutes anyway. At least, that's what you hoped. You didn't dare disturb him just for that kind of thing. He had to rest after all the efforts he was doing for his work, for the videos he was making for the Stars and the meetings he had almost every day. He deserved the rest and the breaks.

You sighed again, then got up from the bed and put on a hoodie that was lying around. It belonged to your boyfriend. You loved wearing his clothes. They always made you feel good and comfortable in them, maybe it was for their warm or because they were a bit bigger in you, but you felt safe in those. You wanted to stay forever in his hoodies. It was like if he was hugging you. It screamed the word "comfort". You hid your hands in the sleeves of the oversized sweater and put them up to your nose. You smelled it and closed your eyes. His smell was so comforting and sweet. It always helped a little when you were having anxious days like this.

You walked down the stairs, then into the kitchen, seeing your best friend Regie on his phone, probably watching instagram's stories or liking some posts on the app.

-'Morning! Regie said without looking up. Sleep well, Y/N?

-Yeah, I think so! you said. How about you?

The truth was, you were up very late yesterday for no good reason. You weren't stressed or anxious last night. You were normal, calm, fine. Unlike the night before, you felt ugly, useless, stressed, nervous, anxious, but you couldn't explain why or how it happened so randomly.

-You think so? Did you fucked all the night with JP, bruh? he laughed.

You blushed and searched for words. That was Regie Macalino talking, for sure.

-I'm kidding, don't worry. I didn't want to know the damn answer, anyway.

He closed his phone and looked at you:

-I slept well, though. But I woke up super early, so I think I'm going to the gym a bit earlier today. Do you want to come with me?

Your relationship with Regie was remarkable. Of all the other members, he was the first one you started your friendship with, the one you started to become a real teenager, to become a young adult, now. You were friends even before NSB was formed and let's say that with the band, you followed Regie everywhere when he allowed you to. It was also with him that you met Justin and let's say… You fell head over heels in love with him. He was funny, he was kind, he was smart, he was always there to listen to you... Let's say he felt the same way towards you and that your friendship soon turned into a love relationship..

You and him had been living the perfect love for about a year and it was now a recurring thing to see you in the house with the boys. The boys really liked you and loved to see you around and to them, it was like you were their little sister (except for Justin, of course).

-Oh well… you said. I think I'll go later with Justin, but thanks for the invite!

-Ok ok! he replied, getting up from the table and showing you his arms. I'm going to go make myself hotter than I already am, bro.

You chuckled a little and saw him leave for his room to get his gym bag and personal products.

You were now alone in the NSB kitchen. You sighed and relaxed your shoulders.

"Come on, it's okay, Y/N. You're okay. There's no reason to stress."

You opened the dish cupboard and saw the only clean glass on top of the cupboard. You sighed, climbed up on the counter and hung on to the cupboard to avoid falling. You picked up the glass and were about to go downstairs when a voice startled you.

-Good morning, babe.

You dropped the glass in surprise and turned back to the person who had just startled you.

-Ah fuck! you said. No, no, no, no, no!

Your anxiety had just escalated. You had just broken a glass and god knows how much every single glass counted in this house. There were only a few for the number of people who lived in the house. You felt bad for dropping it. Normally you would have felt guilty for a little while, but today it felt like this accident was going to ruin your and everyone's whole day..

Justin came up to you and held out his hand so you could get into his arms to avoid touching the floor covered in glass.

-Are you okay, babe? You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

-I'm fine, but I broke a glass. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll clean up the mess, don't worry.

Justin set you down a little further on the floor and looked you in the eye.

-Hey, it's okay, we have a broom, we'll pick it up, don't worry. We've got plenty of other glasses and it's okay if you break one. Kane has already broken several and we're not angry with him, we know it's an accident. I caught you by surprise, too, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

You felt a little bit better. He always found the right words, always made you feel better and always calmed you down when you started to feel too anxious like this.

- I'll go get the broom.

You nodded and took a random glass from the dishwasher, washed it and poured cold water into it. You felt a little better as you drank the water. Maybe you were just thirsty?

-Do you want to eat something on the way? your partner asked you as he swept the floor clean of all the broken glass that was covering the ground. I'm pretty hungry.

You nodded and put the glass on the counter.

-Let me do it, okay?

He gave you a little smile.

-Nah, you're good, babe. I got this. I don't want you to get hurt, he smiled. Anyways, you want to go to the gym after breakfast?

You nodded.

-Yeah, okay, if you want.

JP looked up and gave you one of his smiles.

-Great! Go get ready! You can have one of my tshirts if you don't know what you want to wear…

You smiled.

-You just want me to wear one of your tshirts, JP.

-What can I say? You look fucking adorable and cute in my clothes!

You smiled, then went back upstairs to get ready.

Your anxiety had finally decided to let go of you.

Or so you thought.

Finally ready, you got into your boyfriend's car and saw him smile at you. You smiled back at him and looked at your phone to check your notifications and what you have been missing since yesterday. While scrolling, one picked your eyes: a text message from your parents who had called you the day before, delivered with a dozens of text messages.

You and your parents were never very close. The comments they made to you were either always hurtful or toxic positivity. Sometimes, just the fact that you were getting notifications from them made you shiver with anxiety. You didn't know what they were going to say to you, if they were ever going to apologize for their behavior, if they were going to ask you to move back home, if they were going to insult you..

-Babe, are you okay? I asked you a question! said your bf quickly

-Oh, uh… Yeah, I was in my thoughts. Sorry.

Justin sighed, then started the car:

-That's okay. Where do you want to eat?

-It doesn't matter where, I'm not too hungry anyways.

He nodded and put his hand on your thigh.

-You seem out of it, love. Are you sure everything's okay?

-Yeah, don't worry.

After about ten minutes, you and Justin had arrived at the breakfast spot.

-We're here, baby.

-Oh, okay. Can I stay here? I'm comfortable in your car.

-Sure. What do you want?

You weren't very hungry due to your anxiety, but you knew you had to have something in your belly, so you decided to have a pancake, which was one of your favorite meals and one of your go-to foods when you weren't too hungry. They were easy to eat, not too sweet, just perfect.

-One pancake, please.

-Okay! I'll be back in 5-10 minutes. Just stay there. You can change the controls if you're too cold or too hot, just try not to set my car on fire, though! he said laughing

You gave Phan a small smile and closed your eyes. A few seconds later, a sound was heard throughout your boyfriend's car. You sighed and opened your eyes to see who dared to disturb your precious rest.

Your parents.

You felt a lump inside you getting bigger and bigger. You knew you had to answer, you felt an obligation to do so. You'd been living with Justin and his best friends for a few weeks now and let's just say it only made your parents more aggressive. You wanted to block them, but you knew that if you did, you would take a lot of hate from them. You were so tired of being criticized from morning till night, of being put down and of always having to do your best because you were afraid that you might have a big impact on it in the future.

You were afraid of the future. You still didn't know what you wanted to do, you were going to college following your passions, but even still… You didn't know if you were going to be that interested to do this for the rest of your life.

You felt the vibrations of your anxiety and your phone mixing together. Without thinking, you pressed the "pick up" button and took a breath.

"Come on Y/N, maybe they'll apologize this time!"

You still had hope that they would. That they would apologize to you after your 19 years of existence. You were now 20 and let's say on your birthday, they just told you that you had to find a new home since you were starting to become delinquent and they didn't want to have you in their projects and in what they were doing. In truth, you were only starting to be friends with Regie's friends and starting to get happy without them.

-Hello? you answer with a weak voice

-Y/N!! Finally! You finally pick up the god damn phone! What's happening?! Are you deaf now? Are you ignoring us again? You didn't heard the ringtone?

You sighed:

-I-I was just being busy, sorry.

Your mother sighed loud enough for you to hear from miles away:

-Busy doing what?! You don't have a job and your boyfriend surely doesn't take up all your time, does he?

You shrug:

-I'm busy doing my college work and being with my friends. We're really close them and I.

-Your friends? Your boyfriend's friends are friends with you? Honey, you deserve better. You know they are bad influences, right? They don't have jobs (it literally hurts me to write this) and all they do is shoot videos on the internet and that's it! You're going to end up like them, out of work!!

You breathed in, hoping to calm down:

-Don't talk about them like that, it's their job and they do it super well. Their job is super hard and exhausting. They have a tons of meetings and projects they need to do. And I'm so proud of them because they manage their time to do it at the perfection. They've been helping me a lot in the last few weeks and I'm really thankful for that.

Your mother sighed again.

-Are you really defending them? My darling, don't be like them! You'll end up to jail, you won't have a real job and you'll do nothing! Don't come crying to your parents when you're poor! We won't help you!!

-Stop, I work hard and-

She interrupted you and began to shout through her phone. Tears began to well up, letting your anxiety do the same.

They were never going to apologize.

-No! You procrastinate all the fucking time, you do nothing but shit, you're just like your boyfriend: you do everything to have things easy. You don't even work! Take a lesson from us! Are we persistent? Yes! We are not fucking like you! We work hard while you... Y/N, god damn! You live with boys, instead of us and you dare to say that we treat you badly?! We could have thrown you out, but we kept you!

-You literally told me to leave as soon as I turned 19.

-You're disappointing me. You know nothing about your future life and you're going to fail miserably! You're only thinking about yourself. Not even about us! We were right to let you go at 19. I swear, Y/N, you're going to regret this one day.

You put your phone away and looked out the window.

"Come on, Justin, hurry up.."

You felt tears coming out of your eyes, falling down your cheeks, you could hardly control yourself, you knew what was going to happen. You closed your eyes and tried to breath in and out.

"Your mother is right: you've been in college for one year and you still haven't gotten a good grade!"

"You're just a coward… You don't do anything during the day, all you do is eat and be with your boyfriend"

"The boys probably don't even like you"

You curled up into a ball and kept hearing your mother's voice as she continued to insult you.

Suddenly, the door opened at last. Justin smiled, then put the bags on the back seats. He exclaimed:

-Sorry for the wait, a Karen was there. She was-Hey, hey, what's up? What's up? Are you okay?

-It's my parents, you whispered soflty

Justin knew about your parents. Even though they disparaged him, he still liked you. He knew how toxic they could be and you… You were anything but like them.

You tried to formulate a sentence, but failed. It broke Justin's heart to see you like this.

-Can I touch your hands? he asked

You nodded slowly. You liked it when he asked you before he did anything. He always wanted you to feel comfortable in the relationship.

He took your hands and made circles on them with his fingers, something you appreciated because it always helped you. He took your phone and sighed.

-Respectfully, go fuck yourself. You've been insulting her since she was born. Let her go, she's decided to make a life with me and the guys, let her go. She's in good hands with us. Stop fucking calling or texting.

Then he hung up and blocked the number.

-They'll never bother us again and if they do, me and the boys will start to get involved.

He sighed and gave you a hug.

-Hug me as much as you want, okay? You're going to be okay. I know it's not easy. Give me all your anxiety, I'll absorb it. You're in security in my arms.

You squeeze him a little tighter.

-Inhale, 3…2…1… Exhale…3…2…1…

You did this exercise a few times and started to feel a bit more relaxed.

-You are so not what your parents told you, babe. You are so much more than that: you are persistent, hardworking, so passionate about everything you do, you are so smart and so kind and so caring! I could never name all of your qualities, but know you are worth so much to me and the boys, baby… We love you so god damn much. Even the Stars love you. You're like our little sister.

He stroked the top of your head:

-Your anxiety is lying to you, my love. Don't listen to it. It's trying to make you think your parents are right. Focus on my voice and only mine.

He was so gentle with you. For the next fifteen minutes, he continued to comfort you and make you feel better.

-You did so good. I'm so fucking proud of you, my love. You are so strong. I knew you could do it!

He kissed the top of your head.

-How are you feeling right now?

-A little better. But.. Can we go home and watch something? I would like to cuddle you.

JP nodded:

-You don't have to ask me twice.

You smiled. Justin always managed to make you smile and feel better. You couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.

Hope you guys liked it! <3

[the-meme-monarch]

oh oh chulip headcanons, got any abt Julie? I thought it was neat she used to be an idol, and just by basic virtue of "time passed since the game was made" one of the older school type ones.

i will also do goro, love interest, and the cat bc i don't think i have enough to constitute them being in their own posts!!! and in case no one asks for them. and they are Family

-its a fond headcanon of mine that just about everyone in llt is Not Human so julie has non-retractable claws, sharp canines, and four eyes (her eyebrows) :], love interest inhereted the claws and canines. I'm not certain yet but im thinking goro is. a sentient sweet potato thing in human form based on his section in Her Heart .

-love interest's bow emotes like cat ears :]

-julie and goro are t4t. when you show julie dr dandy's card she says "[love interest] was born at that hospital". notice she didn't specify who gave birth to her

-love interest is also trans

-when love interest ran away it was moreso that she went to school one morning and just. never went back home. stuffed her telescope and sleeping bag into her backpack and left

-this isn't My headcanon but I adopted it as well. goro is so so good at making sandwiches. i think he's actually a better cook than julie(her yakitori being described by Everyone as being burnt and/or raw, where goro considers his sweet potatoes to be art and also they heal you so i don't think Julie made them.)

-love interest used to help her mom cook or help goro sell sweet potatoes :] she was the one keeping the business afloat really .

-julie and goro having been an idol and a movie director and A Couple, made llt into a bit of a tourist attraction. before then llt was literally only known about bc of lover's tree, (which i like to think that in-universe the "[name] and [name] sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g" rhyme came from! it is inaccurate to actual lover's tree lore and it pisses llt residents off So Bad!) anyway them being individually popular and Together put llt like Actually on the map. but julie was a one hit wonder and goro's career fizzled out around when love interest was born (his last movie being akuma doll). julie opened a restaurant to try to keep an audience, but well. she is Not a good cook.

-goro was famous for his movies bc they were so bad they're good. y'know.

-goro and julie don't really wear their wedding rings, with julie cooking all the time, and goro's just not much of a jewelry guy, but he wears both their rings on a string/necklace tucked under his shirt :']

-also according to the jp guide book goro isn't good at expressing his emotions. so not a headcanon but i think it's worth mentioning

-also sorry to be a goro stan but i need to mention it. julie is not faultless in their relationship. please remember that julie threw out his movies (which were important to him. he literally ran a movie theater) and she belittles him in every interaction they have up until she thinks he's Dead. she slaps him when you first meet them. goro is not physically abusive. him throwing the bottle was a Final Straw type moment. not that goro isn't also without blame but it makes me fucking seethe that people put all the blame on him when the point of julie's kiss quest was highlighting that they're Both flawed people but can Both grow and become better. i can only guess people treated him as the aggressor like that bc of his alcoholism, and how julie was the one harmed at the apex of the bar scene from the wine coupon, and the "she likes cats, she'll be fine" line WHICH i think that translation did it a disservice. I think he meant "she's like a cat. she'll come home when she's ready". y'know.

-we know Julie has been living in llt since she was at least 8 years old (when you show her the micro gum she tells you about an incident from then) but she doesn't know that microgum makes you small? and she doesn't know that the graveyard doesn't mean an Immediate death sentence. I think she just didnt know abt microgum bc She Was Eight and then her time as an idol made it hard for her to connect with the rest of town (being hounded by the media/fans/paparazzi) so she never even found out that That Kid probably didn't Just Disappear he probably just got small, and then even after that she just didn't get out much bc she had family and restaurant to maintain. maybe only a few people even know that being sentenced to the graveyard doesn't mean Instant Death. policeman does just shoot on sight at night after all

-julie and policeman seem to be/to have been friends? he knows that the hair pin poor boy stole is julie's and that it's special to her. and julie says he's a good man .

-the cat disappears behind the hospital every night. i like to think it knows everything abt everyone in town for it's quiz at the end bc it lives in the walls of the hospital and is eaves dropping/reading dandy's documents

-love interest straight up did not name the cat. but maybe post-game she does :]

-this is less of a headcanon and more of an idea for a potential re-release, but i think it'd be neat if you Could kiss the cat, but as you level up the cat gets more and more upset with you, until eventually trying to interact w it at all it attacks you. then in Her Heart we find out it's because you've been getting closer to love interest and it's jealous you're going to take her from it (it's line in-game "[poor boy] is trying to steal my [love interest]"). and rocky. let me kiss rocky

[cayenne-twilight]

i'll kill a small child for the flora bingo bestie /lh

I’d kill a small child for Flora period

Kind of a bingo? Almost? Maybe a bingo?

She’s soooo… I’ve talked about her so much on here but you can’t have enough.

She needs her own game, okay? She needs that good sweet development and to not be the damsel in distress all the time. Give her that autonomy and interesting character traits. Usually when people say, “the fanon version of this character is the valid one, the canon one sucks and we fixed them” I’m like ew no you didn’t, but she’s the exception. Fanon Flora is so good and true. People always give her interesting hobbies and wits and a sense of humor, but in canon she’s just The Girl One but naïve.

Flora’s a prime example of “shouldn’t they be a bit more fucked up over this?” She’s been through so much messed up junk that you’d think she’d have a villain arc like all those rich guys, but instead she’s going in the professor’s direction where she’s being constructive and optimistic about it. Not that villain!Flora isn’t the AU of all time. I wish they’d make something of these parallels, but instead the professor just ignores Flora “for her own good”. They don’t even tie that into the effect of his traumas like they easily could.

There is so much to work with. She likes murder novels. She isn’t intimidated by many scary situations in a (Disney’s) Rapunzel-like way. She’s an orphan who grew up in a tower in a fake village full of robot people built to raise her. How’s that for a backstory. She sees everything as an adventure. She likes dragons. She’s a Baroness with a huge inheritance. Paul used to be her enemy, but in UF he says he’s only helping Layton for her sake.

But canon only focuses on her silly girl character traits. She loves to cook but she’s so bad at it ahaha. She doesn’t know proper running form and no one’s gonna teach her so she runs like princess peach. She gets kidnapped all the time and has to be saved. She only solves a few puzzles, and none of them are really important. In the JP version she has a crush on Layton. He doesn’t even consider her as part of his family, she stays in his office? and they never explain what happens to her after UF.

Like come on! Focus on her bravery and optimism! Have her problems adjusting to normal society be a plot point that she overcomes! She’d be so good as someone who actually helps solve the mysteries and, y’know, has helpful traits.

I don’t remember who came up with the hc that she has a messed up sense of taste from growing up in robot society, but they’re a genius. One of my biggest Flora headcanons is that she’s disabled which is why her father focused so much on protecting her, paying for her whole future life, and hiding her away until someone can come take care of her. Also why Layton is so scared of letting her go out while he’s fine with Luke going on dangerous adventures after he literally died. It could explain why she’s seemingly frail and prone to tripping and falling a lot. I also hc that she’s into studying the very realistic robot stuff and that she becomes a mystery solver like the Laytons as an adult.

If I had any energy or attention span I could write a billion fics about her. I was cleaning out my tablet earlier this week and found a bunch of doodles of her. I still don’t understand why they never made a spin-off for her and instead made new characters, just isn’t clicking. My girl.

[luckydoeslanguage]

Immersion Review | スーパカブ（Super Cub）

So! its finally time for me to write down my log of this show. Immersion is a unique experience for everyone cause depending on your tastes in media you may end up watching wildly different things.

if what i say here makes you a little interested in checking out the show, you can watch it here!

A lot of whats recommended to beginners in JP are Slice of life shows because they're usually slow paced, and have easy to digest dialogue (for the most part) which makes them either laid back, easy going dips into immersion, or unbelievably boring snooze fests. Super Cub is definitely a show that falls on that fine line. I think for me, slice of life really depends on the show. for example, I literally fell asleep once while watching Non Non biyori, but were not here to talk about that, haha.

As for Super cub, well, lets get into the review! (more under the cut! this post may be long, i will try and keep it from meandering.)

The show follows Koguma. A highschool student who lives in a semi rural town in the japanese countryside with no friends, no hobbies, no parents, and little money. She lives a pretty boring day to day life until one day, on a whim from her way home from school, she drops by a small motor shop and acquires a Honda Super Cub for dirt cheap from the store owner. From there, her life slowly, but surely, begins to become a little brighter from the new experiences she has while travelling around on her new moped. (not the most compelling synopsis, i know.)

At its core, Super Cub is a show about how changes, big or small can breathe new life into your own. There's a scene in episode 1 where, upon sitting on the moped for the first time and taking hold of the handles, Koguma's world literally gets a little brighter from the experience. up until now the show has had a pretty muted colour pallete. But for a single moment, the drab colours melt away and become bright and vibrant!

As a Japanese learner, the first episode is as accessible as a TV anime get aside form kids shows. Things get a little more complicated as it goes on, there's a fair amount of words related to mopeds, motorcycles and related things that honestly I just glossed over for the most part. Koguma is a quiet (honestly kind of depressed) girl who speaks pretty slowly, and its easy to understand her. Aside from the obvious focal of the show, the dialogue uses a lot of common words you'll come across quite frequently, so it was good practice for me to listen to. There also isn't a lot to miss out on if you don't understand everything. a lot and be inferred form the current visuals on screen, which makes it easier to pick up on new words.　（the show also makes me really want to get a moped, lol.)

I also really enjoyed the sound design of the show. the sound effects for the moped like the engine starting and the clunks the metal make or the textures of cloth are fantastic. i also think the pacing is pretty good. its laid back, but it has this adolescent warmth of discovering a new passion for the first time. the 3D models i will admit are a bit ugly, but they dont show up frequently enough to be bothersome.

The overall tone of the show has a melancholic feel that slowly drifts away as it progresses. Its like and iced coffee. sweet, but a tinge of bitter that keeps it from being all boring. I'm glad the cast is so small cause moe slice of slice shows can easy feel a little samey, despite having larger and more vibrant casts.

My Verdict - ★★★★★

Super Cub is a great show for language learners who want to try out a slice of slice that feels more down to earth. It has an energy of discovering new passions, and the small and large impacts it makes on your life.

the dialogue is easy to follow, and aside from the focal point of the show the word usage is quite easy to digest and get a feel of. while laid back, it has a great atmosphere that feels careful, but caring at the same time.

I hope what I've said today has gotten you to consider giving the show a try! if youve made it this far, thank you for reading my post and i hope to see you all again! またね！

[shop-korea]

‘BACK - FROM - THE - BRINK’ - YOUKA - CHINESE - 

TV DRAMA - ENGLISH SUBTITLED - $2.99 EA MON - 

EP 13 - ‘DRAGON - BOY - FALLS - IN - LOVE - WITH - 

TAOIST - GIRL’ - FINALLY - ‘BREAKTHROUGH’ - CN - 

GLAD - HISPANIC - OF - AGE - ‘MARY’ - THERE - 4 - 

FAT - HISPANIC - LONG - HAIR - BIG - APE - ALSO - 

AMERICAN - SAMOAN - NEEDS - THEIR - 2 DOOR - 

2 ENTER - HE - DIDN’T WANT - 2 - ENTER THEIR - 

PASSWORD - ‘NO - WI FI’ - LIAR - PERJURY - $0 -

2 - $250,000 MAX FINE/IMPRISONMENT - PER - 

INCIDENT - AT&T - AMERICAN - TELEPHONE & - 

TELEGRAPH - BOX VAULT - SELF - STORAGE - 

AS - 27TH - STATE - FLORIDA - WRINKLED - 

PRUNE - BAGS - FORMER - TERRITORY AS - 

NON - OPEN - CARRY - HOW - ALL ACCEPT - 

HOW - ILLEGAL - OPEN - CARRY - 4 - ANY - 

PERSON - FBI - POLICE - NO ONE - TRUE - 

ALLOWED - OPEN - CARRY - YOU’RE NOT - 

ALLOWED - WI FI - WHY - SO - THEY - CAN - 

CHARGE - ANY - AMOUNT - AND - U - CAN’T - 

SEE - THAT - AMOUNT - EVEN - WITH - 

GOOGLE - WI FI - NO - INTERNET - 2 - 

CROOKS - WHY - NO - WI FI - THEY - CAN - 

ROB - U - AND - YOUR - CLAIMS - DEPT 2 - 

HAS - CLOSED - 53.com - FIFTH - THIRD - 

INVESTIGATIVE - TEAM - 2 - CHARGE FL - 

AGAIN - 11 STATES - NOT 0% - LIABILITY - 

AS - BUSINESS - AND - BANK - ROB YOU - 

4 U - ARE - FINALLY - AGE 18 - AND JUST - 

MARRIED - ‘A - THIEF - COMES - NOT BUT - 

2 - STEAL - KILL - AND - DESTROY’ - BIBLE - 

U - WERE - JUST - UPSET - ABOUT THEFT - 

BUT - MURDER - NEXT - BIBLE - ‘UNLESS - 

THE - LORD - GOD - GUARDS - THE CITY - 

THE - WATCHMAN - STAYS - AWAKE - IN - 

VAIN’ - UNLESS - THE - LORD - GOD - 

BUILDS - THE - HOUSE THEY LABOR - 

IN - VAIN - WHO - BUILD - IT’ - REV’D - 

USA - LOVES - LEAKS - ON - ROOF - AFTER - 

SOLD - $1.5 MILLION - FALSE - PAPER - OF - 

ALL - CHECKED - THEIR - COMPANY FALSE - 

‘MONEY - PIT’ - ALWAYS - OVER - $10,000 - 

2 - REPAIR - ALL - AND - ALLOWED - TRUE - 

AS - BUSINESS - 2 - CHARGE - THAT - $$$ - 

USA - AGE 245 - WHY - MISS UNIVERSE - HAS - 

NOT - BEEN - USA - IN - SUCH - A - LONG TIME - 

AMBASSADORSHIP - OF - THEIR - NATIONS - 

COUNTRIES - KINGDOMS - ISLANDS - SO IT - 

IS - THIS - JULIO - LATIN - LIED - THEY - DO - 

ACCEPT - DELIVERIES - I - GAVE - MY - YES - 

HUGE - COMBINATION - 4 NOS - 2 - THEM 2 - 

MARY - HISPANIC - TRUSTS - FAT PIG UGLY - 

AMERICAN - SAMOAN - HE’s - WHAT - TRUE - 

DOMESTIC - VIOLENCE

BEAT - UP - HIS - WIFE - 10 YEARS

BRUTAL - BEATINGS - THEY - DO 2

WHY - KOREAN - GIRLS 

BIBLE - ‘DEPART - FROM - EVIL’

DEPART - FR - US - MILITARY - BASES

AMERICAN - BOYS

KOREAN - BOYS

BIBLE - ‘DON’T - PUT - YOUR - TRUST - IN - 

NON-VIRGIN - BOYS - AND - GIRLS’ - TRUE - 

INCLUDES - YOUR - PARENTS - EXAMPLE - 

‘A - BUSINESS - PROPOSAL’ 

KOREAN - TV - DRAMA - COMEDY - AND - 

ROMANCE

MARY’s - RULES

GIVE - 10 DAYS - NOTICE

(GOOGLE - SEARCH)

NEED - 2 - THROW - LIKE - LUGGAGE - I - 

LET - HER - KNOW - SHE’LL - HELP - ME - 

THROW - IT - SO - SWEET

SHE - ALLOWED - ME - WITH - EVEN - 

1 DAY - EXPIRED - ID - 4 - HAS - NO - 

KNOWLEDGE - 8TH - AMENDMENT - 

THEIR - RULES - HOW - THEY LIVE - 

2 - OTHERS - ‘CRUEL - AND UNUSUAL - 

PUNISHMENT - INFLICTED’ - 4 - THIS - 

USA - AGE 245 - OPPRESSIVE - AND - 

TYRANTS - WHY - WITH - OUR - INTERNA - 

TIONAL - LICENSE - 2 - FLY - MILITARY JP - 

AIRCRAFT - NO - SOUND - AS - WE LEAVE - 

THE - UNITED STATES - PERMANENTLY - 

NEW - NAMES - NEW - BIRTHDAYS -

NEW - FACES - NEW - HEIGHTS NO - 

WRINKLES - NEW - WEALTH - NEW - 

HEALTH - AS - WE - LIVE - PAST XO - 

AGE 125 - BECAUSE JESUS IS LORD - 

MARY’s - RULES

DELIVERIES - ACCEPTED

SIGNED - I - ALLOW THEM

ENTRY - 4 NOS - OF - MY 

NAVY - PULMONA - BEAUTIFUL - BIG - 

NOS - COMBINATION - LOCK - LOVE - 

DOOR - LIKE - LOVE - BLUE - TOLD - 

MARY - COLOR - 2 - CHOOSE - 4 AN - 

INTERVIEW - BLUE - MEANS - 

FAITHFUL - LOYAL - DEPENDABLE - 

ALWAYS - EARLY - CAN - BE - YES - 

DEPENDED - ON - CAN - RELY HAI - 

WILL - B - THERE - ALSO - SHARED - 

INTERVIEWS - CLOTHES - U WEAR - 

FRUGAL - EXPENSE - TAX DEDUCTIBLE - 

ROSS - DRESS - 4 - LESS - THEN - BOX - 

TURBO - TAX - CD ROM - WHAT - YEARS - 

U - CHOOSE - HOME - BUSINESS - HOME - 

COLORFUL - EMPTY - TAX - FORMS REAL - 

BEAUTIFUL - ALSO - HAS - SMALL - TRASH - 

CAN - NEAR - OFFICE - OPEN - DAILY AND - 

OUTSIDE - SHARED - LOCKED RESTROOM - 

ASK - MARY - SHE - OPENS - THIS - THERE - 

IS - DRINK - MACHINE - BUT - PRIVATELY -

OWNED - BY A - BUSINESS - NOT THEIRS - 

* XXX # - IS - NOT - LIKE - THE - OTHERS 2 - 

WHEN - I - CAME - BACK - FINALLY - TRUE - 

WORKED - SPANISH - SPEAKING - HARSH - 

PEOPLE - WHY - THEY - DON’T - LIVE YES - 

LONG - IN - SPANISH - COUNTRIES - TRUE - 

WORLWIDE - NOT - LOTS - OF - TWINS AND - 

TRIPLETS - THEIR - CHILDREN - NOT VERY - 

FRIENDLY - THEY - DON’T - SMILE - AT - 

STRANGERS - BUT - GOD - SAID - YES - 

‘BE - NICE - 2 - STRANGERS’

SO - MARY’s - RULES - OR - EVICTION -

BIBLE - ‘WEALTH - DESTROYS - A - FOOL’

GREAT - NEWS - CAN - ORDER - MY YES - 

MOBILE - TEL - FR - WALMART - ITS TRUE - 

VERY - IMPORTANT - 2 - HAVE - FLIP - YES - 

PHONES - NO - NEED - 2 - MEMORIZE ANY - 

CODE - CAN - BUY - WHAT - I - NEED ALSO - 

FR - AMAZON - PRIME - 2 - LARGE - 4 - THE - 

HUB - LOCKER - IS - THE - SELLER’s - YES - 

CHOICE - THEY’RE - NOT - ALSO - GREAT - 

SAME - SELLERS - AT - WALMART - THERE - 

2 - DESTROY - BOTH - 4 - NO ONE - TRULY - 

BOUGHT - THEM - UNTIL - BOTH - ONLINE - 

STORES - VENGEFUL - AWEFUL SELLERS - 

BEST - ONES - QR - CODE - THEY PROVIDE - 

BOX - LABEL - JUST - BRING - PRODUCT OR - 

KEEP - ITEM - FULL - REFUND - LOVE THEM - 

CHINESE - ALSO - FR - CHINA - IN - CHINA 2 - 

CAN - ORDER - NOW - NO - NEED - 4 - TRUE - 

EXPENSIVE - THE - UPS - STORE - $117 AND - 

50 STATES - ILLEGALLY - DOESN’T - ACCEPT - 

NATURALIZATION - CAME - WITH - JURY YES - 

DUTY - IN - FUTURE - WE’RE - CHANGING - 

CITIZENSHIP - AND - US WORK VISA - YES - 

AGAIN - NO JURY - DUTY - THESE - ARE US - 

THE - ALTERNATIVES - BECAUSE - 

NATURALIZED - ARE - ABUSED US - 

AFTER - NAKED - IN - FRONT - ALL - 

AGES - 5 YRS - RESIDENCY - ROBBED - 

OF - $50 - NON-REFUNDABLE - 4 - THE - 

TYRANTS - OF - THE - WORLD - HAVE - 

MURDERED - PLUNDERED - ABUSED - 

CITIES - OF - THE - WORLD - USA - IS - 

ALSO - HABAKKUK 2 - THEY HARMED - 

NATIONS - AND - MANY - NATIONS - & - 

MURDERED - AND - SURVIVERS - WILL - 

ALSO - PLUNDER - THEM - IT - WILL XO - 

HAPPEN - BIBLE - ‘WHAT - THEY - PLANTED - 

THEY - WILL - HARVEST’ - AS - WE - PLANT - 

KINDNESS - AND - PATIENCE - WE - WILL 2 - 

HARVEST - JESUS - CHRIST - IS OUR LORD - 

BOUGHT - AT - ROSS - MIAMI AVE - NEW FL - 

PINK - DUFFLE - WITH - WHEELS - $21.99 - 

NO ID - TUES - 10% - OFF - BECAUSE - ID - 

NEEDED - THAT - MOMENT - EMBARRASSED - 

NOT - WORTH - IT - MY - AGE - MY - PRIVACY - 

$7.99 - HUGE - LAUNDRY - BAG - 2 - PLACE - 

HUGE - DECORATIVE - PILLOW - A - PAIR IS - 

$12.99 - CHEAPER - THAN - OTHER - ONE - 

SAYS - ‘TOGETHER’ - GREENISH - ST YES - 

PATRICK - OTHER - NEW - ‘ROSS - DRESS - 

4 - LESS’ - BAG - $0.22 - BOUGHT - 2 - AND - 

HUGE - SHOULDER - BAG - 4 - LAUNDRY 2 - 

PLACE - SQUARE - PILLOW - $7.99 - THE - 

MOSAIC - DESIGN - BOUGHT - DRINK XO - 

CONTAINER - 24 HRS - COLD - $8.99 - TO - 

MATCH - NAVY - AND - YELLOW - 4 CORY - 

AQUINO - LIKE - DAISY - MY - BIRTHDAY - 

AGE 59 - THIS - 12 APRIL - LIKE - SEHUN - 

EXO - ARIES - WE - ARE - DARK - NAVY - 

BENIGNO AQUINO JR - ONE - AUGUST - 

MARY’s - RULES

BOX - VAULT - SELF - STORAGE

MIAMI - FLORIDA - FL

NO - SLEEPING

FUTURE - THEY - WILL - FIND - THEM - 

DEAD - ON - THE - FLOOR - EACH YR - 

OVER - 800,000 - WOMEN - DEAD FR - 

HEART - ATTACK - IN - USA - YEARLY - 

2009 - MORE - MEN - DEAD - ON THE - 

FLOOR - IN - MIAMI - AS - THEY - SAY - 

‘NO - SLEEPING’ 

NO - FOOD - NO - FOOD - CONTAINER - 

SO - PLACED - IN - ROSS - WATER YES - 

RESISTANT - BAG - MY - TALE - TELL - 

PET - FOOD - CONTAINER - YES NOT - 

ALLOWED - IN - STORAGE - FLORIDA - 

MADE - LAW - ARRESTS - EVICTION - 

4 - FOOD - PANTRY - IN - STORAGE - 

LOCATION - NOT - AVAILABLE - ANY - 

APARTMENT - STORAGE - BUILDINGS - 

HISPANIC - BLK - WORKERS - LATIN & - 

SPANISH - ILLEGAL - DISCRIMINATION - 

OF - RACE - ALL - VIOLATED - 14TH - 

NO - US - STATE - CAN - MAKE - OR - 

CREATE - LAW - AND - NO - STATE - 

CAN - DEPRIVE - ANY - PERSON OF - 

PROPERTY - THROW - YOUR FOOD - 

THROW - YOUR - PET - FOODS TOO - 

SO - IN - LIBRARY - MY - PLASTIC - PET - 

CONTAINER - WHICH - IS - EASY - 2 YES - 

OPEN - EXPENSIVE - AND - INFERIOR 2 - 

BUT - MARY’s - RULES - 

CONTAINERS - THAT - SAY - ‘FOOD’

EVICTION 

CARRY - AGAIN - 175 LBS - ‘CRUEL - 

AND - UNUSUAL - PUNISHMENT 2′ - 

8TH - VIOLATION

MONETORY - FINE - AND - OR - IMPRISONMENT - 

PER - INCIDENT - AS - WE - CREATE - OUR HDG - 

STORAGE - BUILDINGS - EXAMPLES - FIRST FL - 

FLOORS - INCLUDE - FOOD - PANTRY - SPORTS - 

CHILDREN’s - MUD - ROOM - LIKE - IKEA - TRUE - 

SAMPLES - OF - HOW - 2 - ENJOY - STORAGE - 

WE - HAVE - FREE - INTERIOR - SPACE SAVER - 

DESIGNERS - HOW - 2 - MAXIMIZE - MINIMIZE - 

WE - ALSO - BUY - EVERYTHING - 2 - RECYCLE - 

IF - HAS - WORTH - U - GET - MONEY - MARKET - 

STUDIO McGEE - KRISTINE McGOWAN - USA & - 

CANADA - BUT - STORAGE - APP - OF - INSIDE - 

SO - CAN - SEE - THEFT - OR - NOT - CAN SEE - 

HALLWAYS - WHERE - EVERYONE - IS - AND - 

BUFFET - 1ST - FLOOR - FREE - VENDING - 

MACHINES - PER - FLOOR - WASHERS AND - 

DRYERS - EACH - FLOOR - AND - SHOWERS - 

$0.25 - PER - 30 MIN - ALL - THINGS - U HAVE - 

2 - HAVE - SHAMPOO - CONDITIONER - ALSO - 

TOWEL - INCLUDED - FITNESS - CENTER WE - 

ARE - ADDING - EXERCISE - B 4 - U - TRAVEL - 

BACK - OTHER - CITIES - OTHER - STATES IS - 

VIP - IMPORTANT - $0.25 - PER - HOUR - WE - 

WILL - ESTIMATE - THIS - WASHERS - $0.25 - 

DRYERS - $0.25 - VENDING - MACHINES - 

HOT - COLD - FRESH - FOOD - & - DRINKS - 

WE - ALSO - HAVE - TOKYO - SMALL - YES - 

HOTEL - ON - TOP - OF - BUILDING - FOR - 

OVERNIGHT - STAY - OR - DAYS - SO YES - 

$0.25 - PER - NIGHT - BOOK - 1 MONTH - 2 - 

KITCHEN - WASHER - DRYER - DRY CLEAN - 

UNIT - KOREAN - SO - WE - HAVE - BETTER - 

LIFESTYLES - WE - HAVE - LIVED - LONG 2 - 

SPANISH - COUNTRIES - THEIR - LANDS - 

DYING - THEIR - PEOPLE - DYING - THEIR - 

KIDS - UNFRIENDLY - CAN’T - TALK - SUCH - 

AN - OLD - AGE - 16TH - CENTURY - MOST - 

POWERFUL - EMPIRE - ILLITERATES - AS - 

SOLDIERS - TRAINED - 2 - KILL - CAN’T - 

READ - WRITE - WHILE - EUROPE AND - 

ASIAN - COUNTRIES - FARMERS - AND - 

LARGE - SMALL - FARMS - SPANISH - 

DECIDED - 2 - TRAIN - 2 - KILL REAL - 

STUPID - MEN - AND - NOW - NO - WEAPON - 

ALLOWED WOMEN - OVER - 243,000 RAPED - 

ALSO - KNOCKED - UP - EACH - YEAR - WITH - 

KINGS - SPAIN - THAILAND - NO - WEAPON - 

ALLOWED - WOMEN - 2 - OVER - 30,000 EA - 

YEAR - SAME - BUT - SMALL - BREASTS SO - 

LACK - OF - INTEREST - GOD - DID - THIS 2 - 

REMOVE - ALLURE - BUT - HERE - 

MARY’s - RULES

BOX - VAULT - MIAMI - FLORIDA

NO - SLEEPING

NO - FOOD - NO - FOOD - CONTAINER

NO - TRASH - ANYWHERE

THAT’s - IT - 10 DAYS - NOTICE

MOST - BEAUTIFUL - STORAGE

WHITE - WALLS - ALUMINUM - ALSO - 

AND - BLUE - MY - FAVORITE COLOR - 

DAILY - ACCESS - 6A - 2 - MIDNIGHT 2 - 

OFFICE - OPEN - DAILY

24/7 - ACCESS - $24.99 - ADD - MORE - 

PAID - JUNE - ALSO - 2 DAYS - ALSO - 

2 MONTHS - 50% - OFF - SO - COOL - 

START - FEE - $29

DELIVERIES - ACCEPTED - SO - GOT - 

WALMART - DELIVERIES - AND - BIG - 

ITEMS - AMAZON - PRIME - SO - WILL - 

GO - BACK - NOW - I - FORGOT HUGE - 

GALLON - PUBLIX - NATURAL SPRING - 

TOTALLY - FORGOTTEN - SO - HEAVY - 

HAVE - 2 - SNEAK - IT - OUT - WHY - 

OVER - 100 LBS - GLAD - MARY FL - 

APPROVED - HISPANICE - BUT - 

ILLEGAL - NOT - 2 - ACCEPT - NATURALIZATION

SHE - SAID - 4 - IMMIGRATION - ONLY PURPOSE

NOT - TRUE - ANY - STATE - THAT - DOESN’T US

ACCEPT - AN - ILLEGAL - STATE

AT&T - AMERICAN - TELEPHONE & TELEGRAPH

BOX VAULT - SELF STORAGE

BIBLE - ‘WEALTH - GAINED - ILLEGALLY - IS YES 

LOST - IMMEDIATELY - MONEY - HAS - WINGS IS

FLIES - 2 - ITS - RIGHTFUL - OWNER’

FIXING - EVERYTHING - BEACH - YES 

TOMORROW - HAVE - 2 - ADJUST - MY

FINANCES - T - MOBILE - SOON AFTER

HAVING - MONEY - BETTER - THAN NONE

SO - UNTIL - FIGURED - MY - MATH - WILL

CHECK - IF - I - WAS - ROBBED - BY YES 

MORE - BY - BOX - VAULT - WHY NO WI FI

SO - SMARTPHONE - IN - THE - EVENT OF

FIRE - THEY - CAN’T - CALL - ( 555 ) - 2 XO 

ASK - 4 - HELP - DURING - A - FIRE - IN FL

STORAGE - BUILDINGS

ACE HARDWARE

TUNDRA - SPRAY - COMES - IN - PAIRS

BUY - THAT - SPRAY - FIRE - EVEN YES

CLOTH - THAT’s - THE - FIRST SOLUTION

BIBLE - GOD - PROVIDES - PERMANENT

ESCAPE - FR - EVIL - PEOPLE - RECALL

I - WENT - THROUGH - THE - WALL - CA

OLD - MEN - WHITE - BIG - FAT - HUGE

WANTED - 2 - RAPE - ME - IN - 2ND FL

APT - BLDG

6530 INDEPENDENCE AVE APT 303

BY - MEMORY - APT - NO

CANOGA PARK CA _____

JURISDICTION - OF - LAPD

LOS ANGELES - POLICE 2

4 - OF - THEM - OR - 5 WHITE UGLY

OLD - MALES - AGE 35 - AGE 40 - I 

RAN - 2 - TRASH - BIN - AND - WENT - 

INSIDE - AND - JUMPED - INSIDE SO - 

I - WENT - THROUGH - THE - WALL -

MANAGER - FEMALE - WITH - HER - 

SMALL - DAUGHTER - SHE - HAD - ME - 

BAKER - ACT - AS - THEY - ROPED ME - 

WERE - GOING - 2 - SHOOT - ME - YES - 

KIDNEY - BLADDER - $9,000 - EACH - 

CHRISTIAN - RADIO - 

BLK - MALE - BLONDE - FEMALE

BAKER - ACTED - PUT - MEDS - INSIDE

MY - MOUTH - FLUSHED - REFUSED - 2

CALL - ME - MY - NEW - NAME - FROM 

NATURALIZATION

SHE - SAID - SHE - DIDN’T - UNDERSTAND

CERTIFICATE - WITH - PHOTO - THERE CA

DECLARED - CERTIFICATE - OF - 

MENTAL - ILLNESS

‘ALWAYS - JUST - SWIMMING - IN - POOL’

‘NOT - WORKING’

‘MENTALLY - ILL’

WHY - I’M - NO - LONGER - IN - SOUTHERN - 

CALIFORNIA - 37TH - STATE - FORMER YES - 

BLK - SLAVES - STATE - $0.01 - 1,000 THEM - 

REMOVED - SLAVERY - BECAME - STATE - 

SO - HERE - I - AM - MIAMI - FLORIDA - FL - 

PREPARING - 2 - LEAVE - 4 - STORAGE - 

WHAT - 2 - BRING - WHAT - NOT - 2 YES - 

‘MARY - HAD - A - LITTLE - LAMB - WHOSE - 

FLEECE - AS - WHITE - AS - SNOW - AND - 

EVERYWHERE - MARY - WENT - HER - 

LAMB - WENT - THERE - 2′ - REVISED - 

GOD - GOES - B 4 - US - GOES - WITH - 

US - PREPARES - THE - WAY - 4 - US - 

IN - US - WITH - US - 4 - US - OUR - 

LOVING - HEAVENLY - FATHER - 2 - 

THE - ONLY - TRUE - GOD - ‘FOR - 

WHEN - I - FALL - I SHALL ARISE - 

WHEN - I - SIT - IN - DARKNESS - 

THE - LORD - SHALL - B A LIGHT - 

UNTO - ME’ - ‘2 B - ABSENT - FR - 

THE - BODY - 2 B - PRESENT - WITH - 

THE - LORD - GOD’ - AS - WE - LIVE - 

AS - WE - DIE - HOW - WE - LIVE XO - 

HOW - WE - DEPART - THIS - EARTH’ - 

SHALOM - PEACE - ‘NOTHING - MISSING - 

NOTHING - BROKEN’ - SELAH - CALMLY - 

WE - THINK - ABOUT - IT - 2 - THE LORD - 

OF - MY - LIFE - AND - DESTINATION - 

JESUS - CHRIST - IS - MY - LORD MY - 

HEALER - DEFENDER - 2 - THE - YES - 

UTTERMOST - MY - SAVIOUR HAI MY - 

ETERNITY - MY - EVERYTHING’ - USA - 

CORRECT - AMOUNTS - 

ROSS - $57.72

BOX VAULT - $98.82 - JUNE - ALSO - 

2 DAYS - ONE - TIME - FEE - TAXES - 

FEE - $29

2 DAYS - REGULAR - ($113) - ONLY - $7.29

JUNE - JULY - 50% OFF - SALE - MAY 2023

JUNE - $56.50

TAXES - $6.03 

MIAMI - (7.00%)

ROSS DRESS - FOR - LESS

CROSS - MIAMI AVE

BOX VAULT - SELF STORAGE

123 SW NORTH RIVER DR

MIAMI FL 33130 - 1944

COUNTY  MIAMI - DADE

NEAR - THE - WHARF

RESTAURANT - FACING - RIVER

8 FLOORS - BUT - ( R ) - ABOVE

100 FOLD - RETURN - OF - BOTH AMOUNTS

100 TIMES - OF - $156.54 - IS - $15,564 - USD

ABRAHAM - AND - SARAH’s - SON - ISAAC

PLANTED - IN - BAD - SOIL - DURING - FAMINE

RECEIVED - 100 FOLD - AS - HARVEST - SAME

YEAR - I - RECEIVE - 100 FOLD - EVERYTHING

I’VE - EVER PAID - GAVE - VACATIONS PLANES

HOTELS - CAFES - TIPS - I - RECEIVE - 100 ( X )

AS - TITHER - (10% - AFTER - EXPENSES - 

AMOUNT - OWED - DEBTS) - AND - GIVER - 

OF - OFFERINGS - OFFERING - I - TRULY - 

RECEIVE - IN - 2023 - 100 FOLD - ALL OF - 

MY - LIFE’s - GIVING - AS - AGE 59 - YES - 

IN - THE - NAME - OF - JESUS - ‘SWEET’ - 

THE - EMPANADA - NO - LONGER - FRM - 

KITCHEN - ALREADY - MADE - THEY YES - 

KEEP - WARM - VERY - NICE - SLIGHTLY - 

NOT - SOFT - SHOULD - BE - VERY YES - 

SOFT - WAS - DELICIOUS - SO - FAST - 

HOT - TEA - WHAT - HER - MAJESTY - 

THE - QUEEN - DRANK - NO - NICE - 

TOTAL - $13.43 - AND - $4.23 - AND - 

NO - TIP - ADDED - SOUR - CREAM - 

WONDERFUL - $1.00 - THUS - 

TOTAL - $17.66 - AND - 100 X - 

100 FOLD - IS - $1,766 - I - RECEIVE - 

IN - THE - NAME - OF - JESUS - YES

[medusa-was-innocent]

Frank Ocean // Queering the Map // Frank Ocean // Quora // Lemony Snicket // Marina Abramović // Charli XCX // Beach Bunny // Queering the Map // JP Saxe // Adventure Time

1. I care for you still and I will forever / that was my part of the deal, honest

2. Screenshot from Queering the Map: “We fell in love here, sneaking around your parents and dropping hands every time they came to take food we made or get coffee from the kitchen. We paddled around your lake, we had picnics, we had fun. I don’t miss you anymore, I hope you’re doing well and have found something and someone who makes you happy!”

3. I will always love you how I do / let go of a prayer for you / just a sweet word / the table is prepared for you

4. Question from Quora: “What does it mean when he says ‘You have a special place in my heart?’” Response: “It means that no matter what happens, even if you both are apart, even if you can’t see each other anymore, even if you both have someone in your hearts- your memories and deeds that you have given him will forever be remembered and cherished within him/her.”

5. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.

6. GIF of Marina Abramović and Ulay at The Artist is Present

7. I know in the future / we won’t see each other / cold just like December / but I will always love / I’ll love you forever

8. Even when we fade eventually to nothing / you will always be my favorite form of loving

9. Screenshot from Queering the Map: “We had one of our very last dates at 82 Queen. While you were holding my hands and gazing into my eyes, you told me how much it meant to you to be in public with a girlfriend, and not be afraid that anyone would see. A few weeks later, I came out to my mom, and spent the next months on lockdown, stuck alone in my house. I had to end things b/c of it, but I will always treasure that night at 82 Queen. How beautiful you looked, the lovely sound of your laughter, and the way your eyes looked when you looked at me. I miss you.”

10. You weren’t down for forever and it’s fine / I know, you know, we know / we weren’t meant got each other and it’s fine

11. Picture of the treehouse from Adventure Time with text that says: “Time is an illusion that helps things make sense, so we are always living in the present tense. It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends, but you and I will always be back then.”

[ahundredtimesover]

Please Love Me (03) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: arranged marriage, childhood friends, CEO kids; angst, fluff, smut

Warnings: foul language, smut in the form of unprotected sex (please stay safe!), oral (18+)

Word count: 18.3k

Series summary: As the only unmarried Jeon and Kim children, your families propose a union to symbolize your unbreakable bond that spans generations. But despite developing an affection for Jungkook growing up, he never returned it; he never seemed to like you, actually. You’re okay with the proposal, but surprise surprise, he isn’t.

A/N: And it ends! Thank you to all who took interest in this story. It means a lot to be able to write this bc of how much I can relate with OC (except for being rich & being real nice) and I hope some elements of the story were relatable to you all as well. This will probably be most favorite piece of work ever and your sweet words mean so much. :)

ALSO please check out this moodboard made by @jeonwiixard who’s been so sweet about her appreciation for this story :)

Playlist: Like Lovers Do by Hunter Plake │Waiting For You by Got7 │Sinking Ship by Seafret │ Signal Fire by Snow Patrol │ Incomplete by James Bay │ The Few Things by JP Saxe & Charlotte Lawrence │ Wild Love (Acoustic) by James Bay │ Paperweight by Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk

Series Masterlist

#

Jungkook starts to panic as he opens every room and doesn’t find you there. It’s when he sees that your car key isn’t on the keyholder that he concludes you left, for where, he doesn’t know. It’s too early to go anywhere and he hopes that you just drove somewhere to watch the sunrise to clear your head, or to the beach to think. You’re a big girl, he knows that. You’d lived on your own for years; somehow he knows you’re safe. 

He goes back to your room and lies down on your made-up bed, inhaling the lavender scent of your shampoo and the same-scent detergent on the pillows and covers. He lays there thinking about you, where you are and what you’re doing. He falls asleep hugging one of your pillows, imagining it’s you.

**

The sunlight peeking from the blinds is what wakes Jungkook up. He checks your wall clock and sees it’s past 7:30AM. He feels groggy and heavy. He barely slept as he felt a mix of worry and sadness at your absence. He couldn’t wait to apologize, couldn’t wait to finally hold you and tell you that everything’s going to be okay, but you left and he doesn’t know where you are. He was hoping you’d have come back by the time he wakes but there’s still no sign of you at home.

He grabs his phone from his room and rings you multiple times, each call heading to voicemail. He calls your chauffeur who says he hasn’t heard from you. He pulls up the number of one of your co-workers, the one you used to contact him this one time your phone’s battery died; she says you’re not at work and in fact, just put a notice that you’ll be working from home for the next 2 days. He panics at this because you’re clearly not home. 

He’s nervous to ask any one of your siblings or friends, knowing they’ll panic as well and will ask too many questions that he’s not ready to answer. 

So he calls his brother, certain he knows where you are.

“Do you know where she is?” he asks as soon as Junghyun picks up. “She’s… she’s not here, hyung. We had a fight and I was going to apologize but she’s gone and I don’t know where she is…” He stammers. The more he recalls, the more worried he gets and he wills for the tears not to form.

Junghyun releases a breath. “I know, Jungkook. She told me.”

“You talked to her?! I keep getting into voicemail,” he says, nervous at what this now implies.

“Yeah, she’s fine, Kook. Don’t worry. She’s safe.”

Jungkook lets out a breath, appeased to know that at least you’re okay. He doesn’t try to dwell on the fact that you talked to his brother and not him. You always did say you treated Junghyun like your own. 

“Did she say what time she’s coming back? I screwed up and I want to apologize.”

It takes a while before Junghyun responds. “She, uhm… she won’t be back home today.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’ll be gone for a few days, Jungkook. She told me to tell you.”

The silence is deafening for both men. It takes all of Jungkook not to break down over the phone right then and there and Junghyun is worried at how his brother is going to hold up.

“Look, everything’s gonna be okay. She just needs time, you could at least give her that after what happened.”

It irks Jungkook at how much his brother knows, even more that you called him when you decided to drive off and told him how last night went. He hates that his brother probably got to comfort you, something he should’ve done. 

Jungkook is huffing on the other end, prompting his brother to try and calm him down. “Come to my office when you get here, we can talk then.”

**

Jungkook barges in his brother’s office and paces back and forth, trying his best to keep his composure. He has a million things running through his mind and just like every single time, it’s Junghyun on the other end, taking the punches, soothing his little brother, keeping him grounded.

“She went to their family’s lake house,” Junghyun starts, knowing it’s what Jungkook wants to know.

“Which one?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“She told me not to.”

Jungkook feels angry and betrayed at the thought that you don’t want him to know but told his brother. He’s convincing himself this isn’t jealousy he’s feeling.

“Why would she tell you and not me? Why would she call you and not pick up when it’s me?”

“Why do you think, huh?” Junghyun says, clearly unhappy with his brother’s arrogance. 

“She made time to be there for you even if she had her own event to be at, arrived to see you talking it up with an ex-fling, and you did nothing when that woman patronized her. And that was just about last night. Don’t think she’s forgotten about you accusing her of lying to get her pregnant.”

Jungkook’s face falls at the insinuation, which his brother picks up.

“Yes, she knows about that. She heard everything. She was at home that day you spewed your nonsense because Mother asked her to come over.”

Jungkook feels faint. He’d gone through everything he said about you that day and he feels like a complete asshole every time he remembers it. It was baseless and stupid and you didn’t deserve any of that. The only thing that comforted him was knowing you didn’t know about it but apparently you do, and he hates himself even more now. 

He left for Japan right after and missed dinner with you when he came back. You were holding onto those thoughts for days, believing that’s what he thinks about you. He regretted it the moment he said the words but didn’t say so, so you wouldn’t have known that he’s guilty and that he doesn’t mean any of it. 

Despite it all, you didn’t seem angry. You asked him to join dinner with your friends and showed up at his event because you wanted to be with him. And he shut you out, humiliated you, made you feel you weren’t enough. You fought and it’s too late for him to apologize. It’s all he wants to do and now he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to.

“Ask her to come home, please.” Jungkook begs his brother. “Tell her I’m sorry and I’ll make things right, just tell her to come home.”

“Why? So you can feel better about yourself? So you can rid yourself of the guilt after everything you’ve put her through? Where does that leave her? She’ll go home when she wants to, when she’s ready to. You can’t tell her otherwise,” Junghyun retorts.

What Jungkook needs right now is support, something he used to get from his brother all the time. Since Jungkook’s been home, it’s the one thing he hasn’t been getting. He’s angry because his brother is always choosing you, always protecting you, always putting you first. 

He remembers the shit he got that Sunday when their grandparents proposed the marriage. He thinks back to every single time that Junghyun has scolded him for not treating you the way he thinks Jungkook should. In another moment of weakness, Jungkook loses it.

“Why are you so protective of her?” he shouts. He bravely faces his brother and wants to see the look on his face when Junghyun tells him the truth. 

“She’s like my little sister, Jungkook! You know that. I’ve always been protective of her. You marrying her won’t change that.”

“Is that all there is?” Jungkook pushes, tone accusatory.

Junhgyun doesn’t like what his brother is insinuating and he hates where this is headed.

“What else would it be?” He challenges.

“Do you like her? Is that it? Have you been in love with her this whole time? That's why you’re always coddling her, taking her side, protecting her like she’s some precious being that can never be hurt, that can never do wrong?” 

Junghyun stares back at him, trying his best not to break. 

“Do you hate me because I get to marry her and not you? Is that why you never take my side when it comes to her? Is it to punish me because it’s not you?”

Junghyun closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Jungkook, step away from me right now before I hurt you.”

Jungkook knows his brother has cracked. “Why, because I’m right, aren’t I?”

“No, because you’re an idiot who’s really outdone himself this time. You have no idea what you’re saying and god help me because I really, really want to hurt you right now.”

Jungkook feels ready for this. It all makes sense, he tells himself. “Come on, then. Do it. Hurt me. Show me how right I am and how angry you are.”

It takes a while before Junghyun responds, and when he does, it takes all of Jungkook not to fall apart.

“___ is sick, that’s why I’m protective of her. That’s why we all are. She was born sick and almost didn’t make it.”

Jungkook was expecting a punch to the face. But this is a punch to the heart he was not expecting at all.

“You want me to hurt you? Fine, this is how I do it.”

“Don’t,” Jungkook now pleads, tears forming in his eyes. "Please don't."

“No. You asked for this. You’re gonna stay there and you’re gonna listen to every single word I say.” 

Junghyun buries his head in his hands, knowing he shouldn’t be doing this. It’s not his story to tell but he’ll explain himself to you eventually. He needs to do this, he thinks. Jungkook hurt you and he needs to realize the effects of his actions. 

It was a rare heart defect, the doctors told your parents. You were barely a month old when you had the surgery to correct it. During those critical first few weeks, your whole family prayed so hard to the gods or whoever would listen to keep you alive. 

Just let her survive, they’d said, and they’ll do everything to make sure you live a life that you want and are happy with, a bargain they made and the end of a deal that they kept, that they continue to. 

The surgery was successful but it didn’t mean you were out of the woods. You were weak and always tired, couldn’t keep up with your peers who were playing in the playground, couldn’t enjoy your childhood the way your siblings did because everyone was afraid something bad would happen. You could faint anytime or be unable to breathe. They couldn’t take their chances so they were always watching over you, attending to your every need, making sure you were safe. 

It was a secret your family kept because they didn’t want you to feel different from others, but they knew this was a lie; you had a heart that was capable of loving immensely, patiently, unconditionally - that was the difference. Even as a baby, you already had a heart too full of love that it broke, your grandmother used to say. 

Eventually you grew up and wanted to keep it a secret yourself for your own reasons, but you still let people in. Your three best friends, the ones you’ve had since you were 5 years old, knew and stood by your side - stayed with you at the park bench, sat out parties with you, and did your own sleepovers. 

That’s why you got into the arts. You weren’t too fond of musical instruments but you held a paint brush before you could even write your name; you were really good at it, too. It became your pastime, then your therapy, then your life. It didn’t matter that you didn’t want to follow in your siblings’ footsteps, that you didn’t want to work in your family’s company. 

You found your place in the world, one that your parents didn’t even think you’d be able to have. They kept their end of the deal - you survived and they let you live a life you’re happy with.

Jungkook stares at his brother, wiping every tear that threatens to fall, until he gives up altogether. He looks back at his 4-year old self, the one whose little heart you broke because yours was literally broken. He looks back on all those years that you kept to your friends, that you didn’t attend his soccer games, that you turned down his party invites. He disliked you all those years over something you couldn’t control, over something that could’ve taken your life, and he hates himself even more.

“So you, everyone, knew this whole time?” He asks, finally getting himself together.

“Our grandparents and parents did because the Kims turned to them during those hard times. I always knew that ___ was weak, but I just thought it was an immune system kind of thing. But this one time when I was 17 and I slept over their place, we were playing video games,” he says, recalling that traumatizing night. “She fainted out of nowhere and everybody was panicking. It was the first time in a long time, they’d said. She was rushed to the hospital and had to have surgery again.” Junghyun stands up and momentarily turns around, not wanting his brother to see him break down. 

“I stayed because Seokjin and Seoyeon asked me to; it was something they’d been carrying all those years and they were scared. Eventually they told me everything and we all cried when ___ woke up. She told me not to tell you because she didn’t want you to be worried.”

“Of course she didn’t,” Jungkook says, thinking back to 13-year old you, post-surgery, still thinking about someone else other than yourself.

“I would’ve stayed with her at the hospital but she kicked me out because it was your 13th birthday party weekend,” Junghyun continues, and he notices his brother’s soft eyes fill with guilt again. 

“She was sad she couldn’t be there because you were so excited for it so she made sure I was even if I felt like a baby-sitter watching over 13-year olds play around the beach,” he laughs.

Jungkook buries his head in his hands. He held your absence from that party over your head for years, angry that you couldn’t even show up when you’re supposed to be “family,” like what his parents always said about you. 

He stays in that position for a while and his brother watches Jungkook’s silence turn into heavy breaths, which turn into muffled cries, until his body starts shaking altogether. He didn’t just hurt you last night; he’s hurt you all these years. 

Junghyun lets him cry, lets him feel all the emotions as he should. 

After a while, he approaches his brother who’s crouched on the sofa and gives him a hug. “It’s okay, Jungkook. She forgives you.”

“She shouldn’t.”

“But she does. She always did. She always will.” 

He removes Jungkook’s hands from his face and wipes the tears that haven’t stopped falling. “She was always fond of you, you know?” Junghyun smiles. “We used to tease her about her crush on you when we were younger and it always made her blush. But she never denied it. She just always had that smile on her face whenever we talked about you. Even when you left, she would always ask about how you’re doing, if you’re eating properly, if the people there were treating you well.” 

This prompts Jungkook to cry again, given that he barely thought about you while he was away.

“How is she now? I mean, how’s her heart? Does she still hurt?” Jungkook asks, worry washing over him again, especially now that you’re away and on your own.

“The surgery from when she was 13 fully corrected it. She continues to be monitored and has medication but that’s just for maintenance. She hasn’t had any major episodes for years. She’s okay, you don’t have to worry.”

“But she’s alone. And she’s upset,” Jungkook stutters.

“She promised to call me thrice a day and I’ll update you every time, okay?”

“But why won’t she call me?”

“She just needs her space and she hopes you’ll give it. It’s gonna be okay, I promise,” Junghyun says, and he knows it’s something he’ll be repeating to his brother everyday until you come back, or even after that. 

More than the guilt, it’s the worry that he knows is eating Jungkook from the inside. Junghyun knows that somewhere in that stubborn heart of his brother’s is a nook that holds the care he always had for you, one he always denied existed. 

Jungkook nods, finally calming down. 

It’s the aggressive opening of the door that startles both men and Seokjin’s loud cries of Jungkook’s name that worries them.

“I fucking told you not to hurt her!” Seokjin screams, with Seoyeon pulling his arm from behind. Jungkook only cowers behind his brother who’s standing in between him and the younger Kim. 

“You promised you wouldn’t hurt her, Jungkook. Why is she at the lake house and why can’t she talk to me without crying? What the fuck have you done?!”

This is an unfamiliar sight to Seoyeon, as she’s used to being the one scolding all 3 boys for making a mess or teasing her when they were growing up. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jungkook says, too ashamed to show himself. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could take everything back.”

“We trusted you! She’s the strongest person I know and it takes so much to hurt her. Fuck, if you only knew. What could you have done to make her leave, Jungkook? She’s never done that,” Seokjin cries, “not even with Mingyu.”

Jungkook startles at the last statement but thinks it’s not the best time to ask about it. Before he could say anything, his brother pipes in. “I’m sorry, but I had to tell him everything. I know it wasn’t my place but I couldn’t help it.”

Seokjin clenches his jaw and is about to say something again until Seoyeon steps forward and kneels before Jungkook, who is too ashamed to look at her. 

“Hey, Kook,” she says with softness in her eyes. “I know you feel bad but she wouldn’t want you to be, okay? It’s why she never told you.”

Jungkook trembles at the thought. “I need her to know that I’m sorry and that I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to her.” 

“I get that you feel guilty and upset but Kook, I know my sister. She’d rather you spend the rest of your lives making each other happy, trying to love each other, and not making up for past mistakes.” Seoyeon ruffles Jungkook’s hair and wipes the remaining tears from his eyes. “Give her that, and it’ll all be okay.”

He nods and takes it all in. He feels like he’s been hit by a truck by the truth that’s been revealed but at the same time, he feels a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, one that’s there because of his doing, because of his immaturity and jealousy and bitterness growing up. 

For years he felt he had a reason to be upset at you but knowing the truth lets him see clearly that it was all him; he’s the reason and he feels that the least he could do is acknowledge what he feels for you, something that’s been developing since he found himself in this arrangement with you. He’d been holding himself back but now there’s no reason to. He wants to feel everything for you; he can only hope it’s not too late.

**

Junhgyun sends him home early that day. Jungkook had been so absent-minded that it was better that he stay home for the rest of the week. He’s appreciative but he hates it at the same time. 

He arrives at an empty home. There’s no you coming up with a new recipe in the kitchen, no you watering the flowers and talking to them in their pretty vases, no you sprawled on the couch reading an art book or watching your reality TV shows. There’s no you asking him how his day went or telling him about yours, no you lugging canvasses and showing him your pieces, no you and your adorable laugh while watching horror movies. 

There’s none of your pretty smiles, none of the nose crunches that match his; there’s no hand to hold or shoulder to lean on. In all the years that he lived abroad on his own, he’s never felt so lonely until now.

Jungkook spends the day at the gym, boxing his anger at himself away. He goes for a run to clear his mind. He eats McDonald’s for dinner, his first full meal of the day. He takes a long hot bath and lights the rose and cedarwood scented candle you got him. He stares at your bedroom door, hoping for a miracle that when he opens it, you’re there. 

But you aren’t. 

Jungkook sleeps in your bed that night, curled up under your blanket, inhaling the scent that you left, the whale plush toy he’d given you mocking him. 

He does pretty much the same things the next day and chooses to ignore the texts of his friends asking him how he is. He’s not surprised if word got around in your little circle that you’d left; clearly Jimin would’ve hounded Nari about what’s going on. 

That Saturday, Jungkook forces himself out of your bed due to the incessant pounding on the door. He should’ve expected that Jimin and Taehyung would show up uninvited at your apartment. 

They’d watched him go from girlfriend after girlfriend in the past but they’d never had to comfort him. Holding up booze, sweets, and fast food, they say, “we don’t know how you deal with heartbreak so we just bought everything.” 

Jungkook consumes all of it. He falls asleep on the couch and wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, friends sprawled next to him, whiskey bottle empty on the table. He walks to your room and falls asleep again.

He spends most of his Sunday on your bed, upset that your scent is slowly fading. He’s desperate for you but he wills himself to be patient; his brother’s updates on you are the only things he looks forward to. 

He looks at his messages to you, which he’s been sending since your first night away. It was 2 days later when you finally replied, nothing but an “I’ll be home soon” in contrast to his “I’m sorry’s” and “I hope you’re safe and well” and “good mornings” and “good nights.” 

He gets himself together enough to go to work that Monday. In between meetings he forces himself to pay attention to and emails he impassively reads, he thinks of you. He hates himself for not even having a photo of you on his phone, a reminder that you two are indeed nothing more than individuals who agreed to marry each other. You’re not a couple, just an engaged pair. And soon, a married pair, that is, if you still want to marry him. 

The thought makes him panic. You’ve been away for days and he doesn’t know what you’re thinking. He wouldn’t be surprised if your friends or siblings - or even his own brother - convince you to call the wedding off, seeing as how he treated you, how he hurt you. 

They’ve been protective of you for good reason, not so much because of the sickness that befell you, but because your heart is so beautiful, so forgiving, so patient and kind; they probably think no one deserves your love. He definitely thinks he doesn’t, but he’ll try. He decides today that he’ll try to be the kind of man who deserves all of you.

He sighs at another day ending, one that still doesn’t have you in it. He passes by a café for a good meal - the first decent one he’s had for days - and drops by a flower shop before its closing. He’d forgotten to care for the flowers at home so he decided to buy some in hopes to fill the void you’ve left. He places the peonies and lavender - your favorites - on your hand-painted vases; he got some tiger lilies - his favorite - for you, too. 

Like every night, he sleeps on your bed, certain now that your scent is gone. He dreams about you for the first time, though, as in the haze of it all, he sees your face. 

He wakes to the sun’s blinding light and heads to the bathroom, willing himself to face another day. It’s when he exits and hears a clang of plates that his heart drops. 

There, in the middle of the kitchen, is you.

With your back facing him, clad in leggings and an oversized burgundy sweatshirt, you stop your motions and tilt your head to the side. “I got us breakfast. Eat some before you head to work,” you say.

He’s broken out of his daze and walks towards you - heart beating fast, unbelieving that you’re finally home - and wraps his arms around your waist, like he’s always wanted to do all those times. He buries his head on your neck and he starts to cry. 

“I’m sorry, ___,” he sobs. “I’m so sorry for everything I said, for everything I did. For causing you so much pain, I —,” he says, choking on his words. 

He has so many things he wants to apologize for but he’s overcome with so much emotion - regret at how much he’s hurt you, dejection at your absence, anger towards himself, and fear of what may happen.

With muffled cries, he hugs tighter at your silence, as if that act is enough to express the words he can’t say.

Jungkook panics when you pull his arms away from your torso until you turn around to face him and place them back around your waist. You soften at his form, eyes puffy from crying, mouth trembling with worry. 

“Please don’t call off the wedding. Please tell me you won’t leave,” he pleads. 

Your heart breaks at how defeated he looks, something you’d never seen him be. You cradle his face in your hands and thumb away the tears that continue to fall. He weakens at the touch, one he’s missed so much. 

“I won’t, Jungkook. I’m still going to marry you. My mind hasn’t changed,” you say, a smile gracing your face, tears starting to form at the corner of your eyes. 

“I thought I lost you.”

“You won’t lose me.”

“You were gone for days,” he says, eyes closing as he tries to erase the memory of the last few days of loneliness without you.

You sigh, thinking back to Junghyun’s updates on Jungkook to you, how dejected he’d looked, how heavy-hearted he’d been. “I know, I’m sorry. I just needed time and space.”

Eyes now open, he stares at you. “To think?”

“To forgive.”

“But you don’t even know what I’m sorry for,” he exclaims. “There’s a long list, starting from when I was 4 and I got upset that you didn’t play in the playground with me.”

You chuckle at this.   

“I mean it, though,” he continues, eyes still boring into yours. “There’s over 20 years of things to apologize for. Especially that day at my parents' house and Wednesday night, when I —”

“It doesn’t matter, Jungkook," you cut him off. "I forgive you, I always will.”

You know how he is. Behind his initially cold persona, at least towards you, is a tender-hearted man whose caring nature will shine no matter what.

“And if your brother has told you everything like he said, he probably told you that I may have a weakness for you, too,” you giggle. 

He smiles at this, appreciating your effort to calm him down and lighten the mood. “He did say you had a crush on me,” he hums.

“Not everyone could look cute in a bowl-cut,” you smile back. 

He revels at this feeling - holding you, feeling your skin on his, seeing the smile he adores grace your face, the hurt from the other night no longer evident. There’s just warmth, a bit of hopefulness; perhaps longing too? Maybe you’re just mirroring the look he has on his face. 

He presses his forehead on yours. “I don’t ever want to be away from you again, ___. I’ll be better, I promise.” 

Arms still around your waist, he pulls you even closer and basks in your scent that he’s missed so much. He lowers his head to rest it on the crook of your neck and you feel the tears that continue to fall. He’s trying to control his emotions but at the same time, wants to reveal all of them to you.  

You smile at this and ignore the fleeting pang in your chest. He hurt you, that’s true, but this isn’t just an apology for that night, it’s an apology for all the other years before that, for the things he didn’t know that have now come to light. 

Guilt can be masked by affection, it can make people think they feel something when they really don’t. You keep this in mind as you return the hug that Jungkook gives you. 

“We’ll be better for each other, Jungkook. It’s all going to be okay.”

**

It took a lot of convincing to get Jungkook not to take another leave from work. If it wasn’t for your insistence that you had to go to your office for client meetings, he wouldn’t have let you go. He tried with his puppy-dog eyes and pouty lips but you stood your ground and bargained that he could take you to work, pick you up, and you could have dinner out together. 

You didn’t miss the way he’d held your hand during the whole car ride, or the multiple text messages he sent throughout the day just to tell you that he’d had lunch already and what his meeting was about, or that he’d taken you to your favorite French restaurant, and surprised you with your favorite cupcakes. 

And now, as he holds your hand again and hums to the song on the radio as he drives you back home, your heart warms at how intimate this all is. 

He catches you looking and sends you that smile that makes you weak in the knees, his eyes reflecting the light off the lamppost outside and suddenly you see stars. 

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“Yes, it’s just…” your eyes wander to your intertwined hands and the small box of sweets on your lap. “You seem so happy.”

He looks at you, smile softening even more. “You’re home, that’s why.” 

You grin and look out the window, willing yourself not to think too much about this. You were gone for days and Junghyun had said Jungkook was a mess after he found out about your health, guilt and anger taking their toll on him. 

You couldn’t stop crying that night after the fight. You felt as if your heart was being torn into pieces with how much hurt you were feeling. You felt tired and defeated, like no matter how much you tried to show him that it could work, even with the progress, something just seemed to hold him back. You willed yourself not to wish he was holding you, comforting you, and you knew you couldn’t stay home with Jungkook being there so you left for your family’s lakehouse, hoping to get some peace of mind. 

You didn’t want to fight anymore, didn’t want to feel the things he was making you feel, hated how the insecurities and doubts you fought so hard to suppress were making you question everything, and you just wanted some space. You knew he needed it, too. He said things he didn’t mean out of anger, like he did when he was at his parents’ house, and you also wanted to give him some time.

In those days you were away, you missed him terribly. You thought about him everyday - his jokes, the joy on his face whenever he was eating, his ramblings about work and the little things about his day that he’d share. You thought about his boyish smile and the way he’d wink at you when he’d changed a lightbulb or hammered a nail on the wall for your painting to hang. You missed his warmth, more than anything, and the way he made you feel safe with just a hand on your back or a head on your shoulder. 

Junghyun was your messenger, although there wasn’t much to say. You and Jungkook have to talk about things - the fight, the secret you kept from him - and you wanted to do that when you were back home so you could comfort him and assure him that you aren’t angry, that you aren’t leaving, that you still want this.  

Which is why you’re seated at the balcony at the moment, vanilla bourbon tea warming your hands and warm milk in his. 

“Were you going to tell me? That you were sick?” he asks, glancing at you before he focuses his eyes on the city below. 

“Yes, I was planning to tell you sometime after we get married,” you confirm. “Your brother was very apologetic but I guess it would’ve been hard for me to tell you myself. I didn’t want to hold that above your head and make you feel guilty, like you do now,” you say, giving him a knowing look. “I know you are, but you shouldn't be, Kook.”

He sighs. “I can’t help it. I was mean to you for years.”

“You were?” You tease. “Hmm, never noticed.”

“I was bitter because you never wanted to play with me. And you never watched any of my soccer games nor attended any of the parties I hosted. You even missed my super duper fun 13th birthday bash,” he says, laughing as he recalls his teenage years. 

“And there were these girls in high school who always said mean things about you and I never defended you, just like—,” he pauses, head hanging low in shame. He hasn’t forgiven himself for what happened with Mina that night. 

“And what would’ve been different if you knew I was sick?”

“I… wouldn’t have been so angry.”

“You weren’t being angry, Kook. We were young and you were always playing around and wanted to enjoy yourself, have fun with people, and take advantage of what life had to offer and you took it. You were just being a kid… and we were just so different.”

“But you were sick.”

“Yeah but only until I was 13. I mean, it was bad when I was younger but after the second surgery, it was all better. My whole family was still scared though and that rubbed off on me. I kept to the same life I was living because I couldn’t stand them being so worried. I couldn’t stand anybody being worried, that’s why I never really told anyone. Not the other friends I made, not even my ex-boyfriends. Not you.”

“Didn’t you trust me?” he asks, suddenly looking like an unwanted puppy. You realized this about Jungkook, that he likes attention, but not in an arrogant or obnoxious way. He just likes to know he’s cared for, that he’s trusted, that he’s considered.

“I did but like I said, I didn’t want you to worry.” You lift your legs off the floor and angle yourself towards Jungkook. 

“I’d just turned 4 and one of our house helpers brought her daughter to our house,” you recall. “She’d never seen such a big garden and she wanted us to play. Mom always told me not to but my new friend was so excited and I didn’t wanna let her down so I agreed and we were running around when my nanny wasn’t looking. After a while it was getting hard to breathe and I fainted. Mom said my friend thought I died and wouldn’t stop crying, even begged to stay in the hospital until I woke up.” You close your eyes and think about her. 

“She wouldn’t stop apologizing to me, even years later. There was a mix of pity and sadness in her eyes that I couldn’t get off my head. I knew she meant well but I just didn’t want people to feel burdened by something that no one could control. I didn’t want them to pity or define me by what’s broken in me,” you continue. “I’m more than that.”

You and Jungkook find comfort in the silence as he absorbs what you just said. He reflects at how on-brand it is that you chose to keep something that big a secret for the benefit of others, and for you, too, just so that you won’t feel any less of a person just because your heart didn’t form the correct way. You’d spent your whole life making sure no sickness, no person would ever make you feel inferior or inadequate, that you would find your place in this world and know you deserve it.

This is what he’d been jealous of all those years growing up. And he feels like the biggest fool on the planet.

“It’s not that I never liked you, ___,” Jungkook starts after some time, recalling what Junghyun always tells him, that you think he never really liked you. 

“I’ve just always been kind of antagonistic towards you, I guess, because you always got to do what you want, got to pursue your passion with the support of your parents, got to make a career out of something that genuinely makes you happy.” 

He sighs and thinks of how he used to feel entitled to his feelings towards you, like it was warranted. 

“Our parents grew up the same but mine always told me what to do, what to be… I just thought it was unfair. It’s why I never really warmed up to you, it’s because I was jealous of how you got to live your life.”

You turn to him, eyes the softest they’ve ever been. You never looked at it this way, never considered how everybody’s treatment of you would affect him. There were standards and expectations placed on all of you as children. There were many things you had to learn as kids, the things that would help build your character and capacities as heirs of your families’ respective wealth and legacies. You and Jungkook were the same age, yet despite never being compared to each other, the expectations placed on him were more burdensome than what were placed on you. 

Your parents gave you the utmost love and care, and that included his, while what they gave him was measured. They gave you freedom, while they ensured he knew his limits. They gave you everything you wanted, while he had to earn every single thing in his life. They let you pursue the things that make you happy, while he had to mold himself into someone good enough for his job. 

You take his hand in yours, as if to comfort him for all the years that he had to keep this all to himself.  

“It was that jealousy, the anger and frustration towards my parents, even myself, that I let control my life. I guess it’s why I was always getting myself into trouble, you know? Why I was always doing things I shouldn’t, why I was always questioning and rejecting everything, like I was getting back at them or something…” He laughs, realizing how immature he’d been. 

“It’s why I was dating girls I knew they’d never approve of, or why I didn’t want to be engaged to you.” He turns to you with a sorry look on his eyes. “You symbolized the very things they wanted and expected of me to have - a stable life, a beautiful wife, a daughter they adore. And I wanted to rebel against that.”

He scoots closer to you and caresses your face, tracing his eyes all over it to take in your beauty. “I held those things over you and I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

You nod, unable to say any words. You’d always thought it was just that troublemaker nature of his, the one that was cheeky and rebellious because he always felt like forging a path different from what his parents wanted, especially growing up behind the shadow of Junghyun who was every bit perfect as any son should be. You didn’t realize a lot of it had something to do with you.

He places a soft kiss on your forehead and pulls you close to him. “And I’m sorry again for that day at my parents’, and for that night we fought. I didn’t know any better.”

“I forgive you, Kook,” you say, wishing he wouldn’t talk about those incidents anymore. They’d broken your heart too much and you just want to let those memories go. 

You allow yourself to hold him, too. You wrap your arms around his torso as his hand caresses your back. 

You stay there for a while, no other words shared, until it gets too cold and you both decide to head back inside. 

He stands unmoving in the middle of the living room, scared you’ll leave again, or that he’ll wake up the next day and you’re gone. He doesn’t want you to spend another night alone and neither does he.

But like those nights ago, he doesn’t do anything. He’s worried you’ll pull away if he reaches out again, worried you won’t want him there. It’s ironic how that’s exactly what he wanted you to do at the beginning, but now the thought of it terrifies him.

“I’ll get ready for bed,” you say, hand ghosting your room’s door knob. 

“You’ll be okay?” he asks, voice so soft he barely hears himself.

“Yes. You?”

“I’ll try.” 

“Good night, Kook. I’ll see you in the morning.”

It’s not an invite to your bed, not a request to stay a little longer with him. But you’ll see him in the morning. You’ll be here. You won’t be gone. And that’s enough for him. For now.

**

You and Jungkook go back to the same rhythm you had before the fight. Only this time, he insists on adding another day to drive you to and from work. He holds your hand every time he does. He sits closer to you on the couch, lingers in the kitchen when you’re cooking, waters the flowers for you, texts you more times during the day. He kisses you on the forehead every night before you go to bed and watches you enter your room before he climbs the stairs to his.

“Maybe he’s falling in love with you,” was Yeji’s guess. You told your friends all these changes as you met up one Saturday for your gown fitting. “I would be if my fiancé looked this beautiful.” 

You blushed at your friend’s statement and mirrored her twinkling eyes as you stared at your reflection, dressed in your dream wedding gown that Nari had so exquisitely created. 

“Or maybe he’s guilty,” Minhyuk replied, bursting your bubble. “I would be if I spent years shunning a person who turned out to be sick this whole time.”

The girls scowled at him. “Sorry, ___,” he said, shame painted on his face.

“It’s okay. You’re right though. I thought I was the only one thinking it,” you replied.

“Don’t go there, ___,” Yeji reprimanded you. “Doesn’t Junghyun think that Jungkook’s always had a soft spot for you, too? Knowing the truth probably just intensified that. It shouldn’t change your feelings for him, too.”

“Are you in love with him?” Nari asked as she faced you to fix the hem of your sleeves. 

You left the question unanswered and your friends didn’t prod. It’s not that you didn’t know if you’re in love with him or not; you didn’t answer because although you’ve come to the realization that yes, you are falling in love with him, you’ve also started to feel something for the first time in years - fear. 

You were scared he wouldn’t feel it, too. Contrary to what you told him, you were allured by the thought of loving your husband - not just trusting and respecting him - and being loved back. 

It’s tempting to think that he might be feeling something more for you as well. But you have to be cautious, you thought. He might just be confused or guilty. He might just be caught up in the moment. 

He’d broken your heart even before you truly loved him. Loving him now would mean giving him the power to break your heart again; you just don’t know if you trust him enough this time that he wouldn’t. 

Jungkook takes longer to sleep at night, partly wondering if you’re sleeping well, partly counting the days until he gets to marry you so he can wake up and fall asleep next to you. 

He starts to think about this, how thoughts of you consume him everyday. All the things about you that he’s fond of are magnified, and they’re suddenly the most beautiful things in the world to him - how you smile, how you laugh, how soft your touch is, how pretty you look with mussed hair and in oversized sweatshirts, how obsessed you are with scented candles; even your tiny sneezes ease his frustrations. 

They sound silly and superficial but he can’t help but warm at the thought of you. It drives him crazy because although you return his affection, he isn’t exactly sure what you feel for him. And suddenly not being wanted back scares him more than anything.

**

Before you know it, the weekend of the wedding has come. 

It was a sprint to the finish line with all the last minute details, one you’re glad that your parents stressed over instead of you. That’s why you and Jungkok wanted a simple wedding, so that everything is simple to put together, too. But your parents had to busy themselves with making sure that everything was perfect, and that the wedding remained a secret, as you’d requested. 

You both take the Friday off and drive to the venue that morning. Your parents insisted that although you already live together, you should still sleep separately, at least for tonight. You willingly comply, indulging them for the last time, as if the finality of the wedding day means they have nothing more to ask of you after that. 

You spend the day with your respective friends and get pampered in time for the wedding eve dinner. 

Jungkook eyes you up and down when you show up in a white patchwork lace mini dress, your hair tied in a messy bun. You look stunning and he has half a mind not to drool at the sight of you right then and there.

He takes your hand in his and keeps it there for most of the night. The presence of relatives and his other close friends is a welcome distraction from all the thoughts running through his mind. He greets, chats, and talks about you with admiration. You’re not used to it, but the twinkle in his eye and the shy smiles he gives you lets you know there’s truth to everything he’s saying. It's something you mirror, too, when it came to your relatives and other friends.

The night feels like a blur and your goodbyes to the guests signal its end. 

Jungkook walks you to your room and lingers outside your door. “Last chance to back out. You sure about this?” He asks softly, his smile not matching the nervousness he feels.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that, Mr. ‘Why do you want to do this?’” you say, mocking him from that first dinner you had together. 

He chuckles. “This may come as a surprise to you, ___, but I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

You swallow hard and try to contain your surprise. You should be happy with how things are but you can’t help but feel wary and nervous and you dislike it. You wanted this, didn’t you? You guess you wanted the straightforwardness and practicality of the marriage but didn’t expect that actual feelings would complicate things. 

He was appalled with the proposition, disbelieving of you when you said you wanted this, and now he stands in front of you, telling you he’s certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 

You keep all these thoughts in a nook in your mind and will yourself to believe in his words.   

“Okay. Then I’m sure.” 

He places a kiss on your forehead and walks away.

You watch him disappear down the hallway. When you wake up the next day and exchange your vows, there’s no turning back. It would be you and him from then on. You’ll have a lifetime growing with each other, caring for each other, and if you’re lucky, loving each other.

**

It might as well be a drama you’re filming with all the tears falling on everyone’s faces, even on the twins, who are crying too because they think their mom is hurt. 

But it’s not out of sadness that their baby girl is finally getting married - although you think they’re all just relieved that it’s even happening, with everybody holding their breaths until the last minute, in case one of you changes your mind and calls the wedding off. 

It’s really out of joy, like a realization of a dream, the alignment of planets, like setting in stone and immortalizing an impenetrable bond. Jungkook's grandparents and yours believe all this. It’s why they’re standing in front of you with tears in their eyes, as if you’re a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in human form - something they could only imagine and fantasize about but never actually reach. 

Of course, you’re only half of it. The other half is in the waiting room next door, alone, because both of your families are more excited to see you. Clearly, nothing has changed. 

You smile as you think about Jungkook’s unbelieving look, seeing that all his family members are with you and not with him, with his two best friends only returning after sneaking to catch a glimpse of you. 

They all give you one last smile before they leave, perhaps drop by next door and then proceed to the venue that’s not far away. 

Seokjin takes longer to leave, tears still falling, the words “my baby sister is all grown up” constantly leaving his mouth. With a final hug and your “thank you” for always looking out for you, he exits the waiting room, Mina squeezing his hand and comforting him.

You’re left alone with Nari who can’t keep her eyes off you - her muse dressed in her favorite creation yet. You wanted simple and classy while highlighting your form - and your best feature, your shoulders, she claims. 

It’s an off-shoulder, ivory-colored silk gown, the front fabrics overlapping and framing your neck and décolletage area, as you opt to skip the necklace. The skirt is fixed on the waist and then flows all the way down, the train not too long so you can move around properly. Your hair is parted in the middle, soft curls grazing past your shoulders and tucked behind your ears that are adorned with your mother’s pink diamond earrings.

“I can’t stop crying,” she says, sniffles echoing throughout the room.

“I know,” you smile.

“Why aren’t you?”

“It hasn’t sunk in yet, I guess,” you say. 

You’re filled with emotions like everyone else, but they’re manifesting instead through knots in your chest, sweaty hands, and the twisting of your intestines. You’re nervous but also excited. 

It’s happening. You’re marrying your childhood friend, the sweet doe-eyed boy whose hand you wanted to hold when he reached it out to you to play in the playground. Now you’ll be taking his hand and holding it for the rest of your life.

**

Jungkook knows you’re going to look beautiful. When not made up and in normal clothes, you already do, what more now? But as the doors open to reveal your form in the gorgeous dress, his jaw hits the floor. You surprise him again, like always, and he didn’t think you could get any prettier than last night but here you are, looking ethereal and absolutely breathtaking.

“You’re drooling,” Junghyun teases beside him.

“Can’t help it,” Jungkook responds; immediately closing his mouth that just won’t stop dropping open. 

You walk down the aisle and every step you take is matched with his chest constricting; suddenly he can’t breathe. You look up at him, the gentlest smile decorating your delicate features, making him want to skip the entire thing and fast forward to the part where he has to kiss you. 

It takes a nudge from his brother to break him out of his daze and he reaches out his hand to you. You look at it, suddenly recalling 4 year-old Jungkook. At your lack of movement he thinks to himself, take it, please don’t break my heart again. 

And you don’t. You’re broken out of your reverie and you place your hand in his. 

“Hi,” he smiles.

“Hi,” you smile back.

You both nod at the minister to proceed and you finally get to appreciate the lake that serves as your background. If the timing is right, you and Jungkook should be saying your vows to each other right as the sun sets. And you do, and it’s absolutely stunning. 

In the four small walls of the venue that’s being illuminated with the setting sun, you hear sniffles and clearing of throats to mask cries, most definitely from your parents and grandparents. But all the noise die down as the minister instructs both of you to conclude the rite with a kiss. 

You turn face-to-face, hands cradling each other’s, and you move closer to commit the act that would bind your marriage.

It’s soft and feather-like, you almost miss it. Leave it to Jungkook to ogle at you like he’d never seen you dressed in a gown before, and then kiss you for a millisecond like he just wants to get it over with. The flushed look on his face somewhat makes up for it though, as he looks so adorable and incredibly hot at the same time, what with his dark gray suit matching his honey skin so well. 

He takes your hand in his after the photos are taken, so you can leave and take more photos. During the moments you’re alone, neither of you say much, focused instead on the instructions of the photographer. 

In the reception venue, things happen as they should - you socialize - thankful for the small and intimate celebration you insisted - sneak in bites of the food and dessert that have been making your mouth water since you eyed them, and maintain your smile with every compliment on how good you and Jungkook look together and the excitement for your future babies. 

Jungkook, on the other hand, feels like his hands have a life of their own, as he just can’t keep them off you. They’re on you, whether it’s your hand, waist, arm, hair, your bare shoulders, or your half-bare back. He can’t stop smiling, too. 

Before you know it, the guests are saying goodbye, your friends and families are telling you they’ll give you some privacy, and you’re in a buggy heading to your private villa to spend your first night with Jungkook as husband and wife.

**

It’s not as eventful as one might expect. You’re both really tired (or nervous?), and that’s shown in the small talks you both resign to, the simple back and forth of question and answer. It isn’t until you ask him to unzip your dress from the back that the air gets tense, and he asks if he can shower first and he runs to the bathroom right as you say yes.

You take your time with your bath, which is complete with rose petals, essential oils, and a scented candle, and you let the warm water calm down your nerves. By the time you finish, Jungkook is asleep, tucked under the covers on the edge of his side of the bed.

**

Jungkook wakes up from a dream, the kind where he’s free falling, causing him to jerk off the bed. He spreads his arm and realizes that you’re not next to him when he finds an empty space instead. 

He turns to the other side and sees you dressed in a silk robe over your matching nightgown, arms crossed with your eyes darting outside the window. He checks the alarm clock and sees it’s almost 4AM. 

“___? Everything okay?” He calls out. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” you reply, turning to him then back out the window. “I’d stay out but it’s freezing.”

“Are you cold now?” He asks. His feet finds the floor and walks to you, a safe distance in between.

“I’m okay,” you smile.

He looks out to see what’s caught your attention and marvels at the lake reflecting the moon. Of course, the water makes you think. 

“I couldn’t really sleep. I think it’s sinking in just now,” you say after a long silence. “It’s you and me from now on, Jungkook. There’s no more turning back from this.”

He notices your deep breaths. “Are you scared?” He asks.

This catches you off-guard, and you stop yourself before you admit that yes, you are, for reasons you don't want to say. 

He takes your silence as a yes. “You don’t have to be. Whatever it is you’re scared of, we’ll face it together, okay?” He walks towards you and you shiver at his proximity. “From now until the end of our lives, we’ll have each other.”

He reaches out to you, fingers brushing your arm, as if to test the waters. You move towards him a little, as if to say it’s okay. He slides his arm around your shoulder and holds you close, chin resting atop your head, not missing the sudden stiffness of your body. He soothes your back and you wrap your arms around him. 

You’re suddenly hyper-aware of everything about Jungkook, especially with how he feels at this moment, but he relaxes at the feel of you, hoping you’ll do the same. 

You release a soft laugh. “Not so nervous anymore, Kook?” A teasing smile gracing your face as you look up at him. “Don’t think I didn’t miss you stuttering a little bit during our vow exchange.” 

He laughs this time and scratches the back of his head with his other hand. “I was, wasn’t I? Even during the kiss, I felt so jittery. I…” he pauses, catching your eye. “I was so annoyed at myself because that’s not how I wanted to kiss you.” 

You gather yourself and with a cocked brow, you ask. “How did you want to kiss me?”

“Not like that,” he chuckles, his arms falling limp at the side. “I mean, you were standing there looking like a literal goddess and I gave you a peck on the lips like a 7-year old giving his first kiss.” 

You blush at this confession; he’d never complimented you like this.

“I wanted to at least put more conviction into that kiss. You know, like I mean it.”

Your breath hitches and suddenly he’s looking so incredibly beautiful with his rosy cheeks and Bambi eyes, staring back at you and you hold on to this temporary moment of bravery. “Then do it, Jungkook. Kiss me like you mean it.” 

He pauses his motions as if he doesn’t expect that from you. But he snaps out of his daze to finally cup your face with his hands and he presses his lips onto yours, like what he wanted to do since you stood in front of him after your walk down the aisle. 

His kiss is purposeful yet tender at the same time, like he wants to savor every bit of you that his lips get to touch. You mirror his movements and your hands, which have fallen limp on your side, find their way back to his waist, which you caress, causing him to shiver at your feather-like touches. 

But he wants more of you so his tongue ghosts your lips and you open them to grant him access. He guides your head as he angles his, making sure your positions allow you to take in as much of each other as you can. And you do. He shudders at your taste and you shudder at his, relishing his mint and cherry flavor. You both continue like this, movements so delicate but firm, steady but desperate. 

He pulls away when he feels you tug on his shirt, scared he’s not giving you room to breathe. He smiles at how into the kiss you are though, and he presses his forehead on yours, his eyes closed as he basks in your presence. “How was that?”

“Good,” you say, catching your breath.

“Can I do it again?” He asks, eyes now open to search for the answer in yours.

You place your hand over his that’s already found its place on your neck in the heat of the moment. “You can do more,” you say, as you guide his hand towards your breast. 

He squeezes in reflex and he grunts at the feel of you. He hates that he doesn’t remember the first time but he’ll take this; he’ll take his time with you tonight and commit every single thing to memory. 

He regains consciousness when your fingers ghost his nipple, which hardens at the touch and he shivers. He pulls you in for more kisses, pace and movement still the same but with soft moans now escaping you and filling his mouth as he continues to fondle your breast. His other hand moves south as well and slowly finds its way underneath the hem of your dress. He caresses the expense of your thigh before his hand travels towards your core, fingers lightly touching the silk material of your underwear. 

You moan louder at this and you whisper his name, immersing yourself in the feel of him and the pleasure he’s giving you. His hand backs away and you stop yourself from showing your disappointment and continue to kiss him instead, something you can’t seem to stop doing. 

He brings both of his hands to your shoulders and slowly pushes off your robe. Your gown is next, as he shoves down the straps and lets the dress fall to the ground as well and god do you look unbelievably beautiful bare like this. He nudges your thighs upward and you wrap your legs around him as he carries you and lays you down softly on the bed, lips once more attacking each other. 

He stops only to pull his shirt off and you immediately claim his shoulders and savor the feel of his taut muscles and smooth skin. He lets go of your lips and heads south, down to your jaw, then your neck where he leaves marks to remind you of this the next day.

He reaches the valley of your breasts and stops to lightly trace his fingers over the scar that decorates your chest. You shiver at his touch and watch him memorize the crooked line that marks your fixed brokenness, the mark that represents your strength. He’ll let this one remind him of how lucky he is that you survived. 

It’s his lips now that trace it, and then he moves to lave at your left breast while his hand expertly massages the other. And then he switches. 

He takes his time on every part of you, taking note of what movement makes you buck your hip, what part he licks and bites that elicits a moan, what pace lets you shiver and relax, and what combination of movements causes your breath to hitch. He takes note of these for tomorrow, the next day, and the next. If you’ll let him. Suddenly all he can think about is doing this everyday. 

He moves further down, kissing every inch of skin on the way, pulls down the last piece of clothing on you and he relishes the look and scent of your arousal. You’re just about to react to seeing his head in between your thighs but the air is caught on your throat when he suddenly licks the full strip of your lips, tasting the slick that’s coating your cunt. 

He moans at the taste of you and proceeds to let his tongue dance along the expanse of it, from your lips to your clit, to the inside of your heat, both hands caressing the strip from your waist to your outer thighs. 

You grunt when you feel two fingers slide inside you. “Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?” He says, as he watches your distorted face react to his ministrations. 

“Don’t,” you respond between heavy breaths. He smirks and his tongue goes back to your clit while his fingers continue its attack on your hole. It’s when he feels you clench that he knows you’re close, and your orgasm hits you like a freight train. 

He murmurs sweet nothings on your inner thighs and travels back up to press soft kisses on every inch of you as he helps you ride your high. Soon enough he’s facing you again, his soft smile mirroring yours. You wipe your slick off his lips and he chases your fingers before you can wipe them clean, and takes them in his mouth. “Too precious to waste,” he says.

You swallow hard at the sight and just as you’re about to process the orgasm you just had, he asks, “can I feel all of you, ___?”

You nod and bite your lip, internally readying yourself for him. You treat this like your first time, like you don’t know what to expect. 

Your breath hitches at the feel of his hard tip on your entrance. “I’ll go slow,” he says, and closes his eyes as he goes deeper - unhurried, cautious - until he bottoms out. He curses when he does and Jungkook’s momentarily hypnotized until you tell him that he can move. 

“Just tell me if it’s too much, okay? I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers in your ear before nibbling on it, and proceeds to finally move in and out of you. 

His thrusts are slow at first until he finds his rhythm. With one arm supporting himself and another one holding your hand in place above your head, fingers interlocking, you match each other’s tempo, his push against your own. You meet him in the middle and you feel so heavenly, so right, that it takes self-control on his end not to shove himself in you and fuck you senseless. 

But he wouldn’t. He’s not acting out of carnal desire or lustful need like last time. This is more impassioned and deliberate. He wants you to feel his every movement, wants you to decipher the meaning of his every motion. He wants you to feel all of him, just as he’s desperate to feel all of you. 

With your one arm glued above your head and the other caressing his shoulder, Jungkook explores your body as you continuously buck into each other, moans and heavy breathing filling the room. It’s when his mouth finds your breast again, causing you to pull his hair, that you both feel your impending orgasms, slowly building until the knots on your stomachs feel too much.

“I’m close,” you whisper. 

“Me too. Let me cum inside, ___.” 

You nod in response. 

You let go first, a whine accompanying your release, then he follows shortly after at the feel of your slick all over his cock and your pussy clenching around him. 

He grunts and holds himself up as he softens inside you, and then he collapses next to you, sweat trickling down his forehead, a sheen of it coating his chest. 

He takes a moment before he cleans you up. He lays next to you, tired and satisfied. He pulls the blanket over you, tugs you close and kisses your forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he says.

**

It’s the knowing looks from your siblings that make you blush, as they take in your form clad in a turtleneck sweatshirt and jeans later that morning. 

“Honey,” your dad calls out to you as you arrive in the hotel’s restaurant. “We thought you two wouldn’t make it. Too tired from last night?” He innocently asks. 

Seokjin chokes on the mango he’s eating, prompting everyone to look at him. “Sorry, swallowed a big piece of fruit,” he says, a smug look on his face as he eyes you and Jungkook. 

“Yes, Father. There was much moving around yesterday and that tired me a little bit.” You shyly respond, again eliciting muffled laughs from your siblings. 

You furrow your brows at them, as if to tell them to stop, but think about how it used to be like this when you were younger and they’d tease you about Jungkook. Back then he used to not pay attention to you and wouldn’t have noticed the smirks and side comments; now he notices everything. 

Pretty soon the older members of your families are replaced by your friends, who had too much fun the night before and are just now starting their day, and you spend the rest of the afternoon with them until you all have to leave. You and Jungkook would’ve stayed another day but he has meetings he can’t miss and you have projects you need to finish. 

The drive back home is entertaining and you’re thankful for your friends’ presence; Nari’s team went home earlier and dragged Jimin with her, whose ride - Taehyung - got too emotional with the ceremony and decided to stay another day with his girlfriend. Nari and Jimin wouldn’t stop talking about last night’s drunken shenanigans and you have to hold onto Jungkook’s arm for support due to your uncontrollable laughter. He smiles at you and thinks that he wants to be able to make you laugh like this, too.

You finally arrive home with dinner out of the way. You absent-mindedly walk towards your room and he calls out. 

“Hey, ___? Would it be an odd request to ask my wife to sleep next to me?” He asks shyly. 

And then it hits you - it’s your first night as a married couple in your apartment; it doesn’t make sense to still sleep separately. 

“Of course not, Kook,” you smile, masking the nervousness you feel. “Let me just grab my things and you can start washing up. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay, you uhm… you don’t have to bring all your stuff right away. I can, uhm, help you out tomorrow or something,” he says. You soften at the way he stutters; clearly he’s nervous too. 

“Okay, Kook,” you reply.

By the time you exit the master’s bathroom after a long bath, Jungkook still lies stiffly on the bed, as if he’s suddenly lost his ability to move. His eyes follow you as you lie down next to him, nightgown rising up to expose your thighs as you find a comfortable position, and his dick twitches at the sight. 

He’s obviously attracted to you, that’s already been established, but with the wedding and all, his attraction towards you is heightened, and he can’t shake off the thought that you feel so near yet so far. 

“Good night,” you tell him, completely unaware of your effect on him. You lay on your side with your back facing him and he’s glad you can’t see the disappointment on his face.

Earlier this morning, you probably just thought the act was required to consummate the marriage. The question isn’t so much if you enjoyed it - you seemed like you did - but if you want to do it again, if you want to feel him again. He clearly does. 

You’re right there, hair flowing elegantly on the pillow, bare underneath your garment, and he has to steady his breathing just so he won’t be tempted to touch himself at the sight of you. 

He takes his chances though, and hovers his hand above your waist, until he finally rests it lightly on the curve that he wants so badly to caress. He waits, and he all but jumps at the moment when you take his arm and wrap it tighter around you, prompting him to scoot closer. He can smell you even better now, your lavender scent hypnotizing him. 

He wants to do more - cradle your breast, nuzzle your neck and hear you moan; he wants to kiss your shoulder and whisper sweet nothings in your ears. But you lay there, hand removed from his, and he thinks that he’ll take it. You’re next to him, breathing, dreaming. And that’s enough. At least for now.

**

It’s been over a month since the wedding and you’re silently thanking Junghyun and your siblings for their intervention not long ago when they convinced you and Jungkook to move in together because they were right - doing it after the wedding would’ve added so much more stress. 

Jungkook’s meetings are endless and although you try to stick to the schedule you agreed on, sometimes he has to go to work too early or stay too late. He gets calls in the middle of your late dinner, telling him he has an early morning flight to Tokyo the next day. He’s even swapped his Saturday game nights with reviewing reports and taking business calls, prompting you to spend time playing against his best friends on his behalf. And unfortunately for him, he still has to attend all those year-end parties and events. 

You, on the other hand, have to split your time between his events and your own. You’re also submitting your pieces for an art exhibition for early next year, and you can’t control it when inspiration strikes in the wee hours of the morning.

Thinking about having to move in, designing the space, and finding a rhythm in a new place while work for both of you is at its peak would’ve untimely tested your relationship that was already shaky to begin with, something you’re glad you got to avoid. 

In the midst of everything, Jungkook never fails to call. Even if all he can get is a 5-minute break in between meetings, he’ll talk to you. He calls before and after every board of a plane, every check-in and check-out of a hotel, and when he knows he’ll be home late. 

You address each other’s needs, too. Jungkook has this tell, especially when he’s stressed, where he nuzzles your neck and releases heavy breaths, which lets you know what he’s thinking. 

Sex with him is great; mind blowing, even, truly the best you’ve ever had. After that gentle “first” time after your wedding day, it gradually got harder, wilder; still passionate and desperate, just a lot more rough. 

It took a while since he was always conscious that he’ll hurt you. “I’m not fragile, Kook. You don’t need to go too easy on me; I won’t break,” you had to assure him multiple times. You know he hates feeling like he’s using you but you let him, as it gives you just as much pleasure as it does him. 

You blush at how quickly he gets hard with just your featherlight touches, how he clenches his jaw to control himself whenever more of your skin is revealed. He leaves bruises on you, which you say is okay, moans obscenely and oh so deliciously with every swirl of your tongue around his cock, grunts with every lap of his on your pussy, and curses in delight with every thrust in and out of you. 

Sex always ends with his delicate kisses over all the places he’s touched, over all the marks he’s left, and over your lips, letting you drown in his addictive taste. You conclude it with a turn on your side and an acknowledgment of the act with a “thank you” and a “good night.”

**

“How’s married life?” Min-jun asks Jungkook, the former breaking the spell the younger one is under, as he watches you play with the kids with such ease. 

Your families finally find the time for a short break right before the first quarter of the year's end and are at a ski resort for a few days. Everyone is gathered in the common area, doing their own thing, but mostly watching the kids in amusement as they play around the living room.

“It’s good, stable, better than I imagined,” Jungkook responds with a swig of his beer.

“Why, how did you imagine it would be like?” Min-jun laughs. Jungkook scrunches his eyebrows to think until the older man stops him. “Never mind, I have an idea.”

Both men watch the happenings in the living room, letting the children’s shrieks fill the entire space, until Seoyeon approaches them and Min-jun immediately hands her his beer, which she almost finishes. “Thanks, babe. Please prepare them for bed tonight. I’m so tired,” she says, huffing. 

Her husband nods. “I’ll give you a massage, too,” he says.

“Hmm, that would be nice,” she hums, kisses his cheek, and goes back to the living room to ask Soojin to stop canonballing from the couch. 

Jungkook smiles at this, recalling those years crushing on Seoyeon, not just because of how beautiful she was, but also because of how she was always assertive and firm, unyielding in all the things she wanted and very ambitious. She never took shit from their trio of rascals and always fought back, something she took with her as she grew up. 

“How did you two work it out?” Jungkook finally asks. “Weren’t you arranged to marry too?”

Min-jun thinks about this. “More like arranged to date. We decided to get married on our own, it just made sense that way. We were good friends, got along well, didn’t really believe much in all the love fluff. We knew it was more practical,” he explains.

“Doesn’t seem that way,” Jungkook chuckles, which is true. Seoyeon remains to be a force at work; she’s someone who demands respect and isn’t afraid to make the hard decisions. But she softens at her husband, throws heart eyes at him when he’s not looking, and becomes a blubbering mess when he compliments her. Min-jun mirrors all this when it comes to her, too.

“At some point I stopped looking at her as just the professional I admired, the one who made an entire room of men pee their pants because she scolded them for being shit at their jobs,” he laughs, recalling the incident. He was one of those men. 

“She’s actually funny and clumsy, knows shit about cooking but is the most organized person I know. She tends to overthink, has a temper, wants things done her way, but she’s also passionate, has a heart for others, and is a really good listener.” 

Jungkook tries to absorb all this and is enamored by how Min-jun talks about his wife with such candidness and admiration. 

“These Kim women are really strong, Jungkook,” he continues. “Their strength makes them the incredible people they are, but so do the other things about them. The good and not-so-good stuff - those are what make them real, those are what make you love them.” He angles himself towards the younger man. 

“___ is more than her sickness, more than her strength. You can’t look at her as a one-dimensional being who can’t do anything wrong. Don’t put her on a pedestal. See her for her, for what makes her, her. All the great parts and her flaws and mistakes. When you realize you still want her despite all of that, that’s when you know you love her,” Min-jun continues.

Jungkook snaps his head towards him, eyes wide in surprise. “That’s what you really wanted to know, right? How I knew I was in love with my wife?”  

The younger man smiles. God, he’s so transparent. 

“Don’t force it, but don’t fight it either. You’re adults, Jungkook. You may have been compelled to do this but there’s a reason why you didn’t run away when you could have, why you still pursued it when you had the option not to.” 

Min-jun turns to Jungkook with a knowing smile he seems to see a lot from both of your families. “I think somewhere along the way, you started to feel something for her, if you didn’t already. The marriage was probably just the push you needed.” 

Jungkook feels a twist in his chest, but not the bad kind. It’s excitement at the thought of crossing that line with you, which is ironic because you’re married but he means the one between settling for a path set out for you, and choosing it because it’s what you both want. 

“I know you’re already married and have the rest of your life together but imagine actually being genuinely happy in this lifetime,” he continues, “with her and maybe little ones too, if you want,” he adds, as Soojin and Sunghoon run to him, shouting “daddy” and asking him to tuck them in for bed. He nods at Jungkook and carries the twins on his shoulders and climbs up the stairs. 

Jungkook sits there with the image of you and him playing around with your own kids in the future. You did say that you wouldn’t raise a child in a loveless marriage, implying that it’s the kind you'll have. His heart twists at the thought; he can only hope for a chance to change that.

**

Jungkook thinks about what Min-jun said the rest of the trip; it fills his mind more than he wants it to. Marrying you should be straightforward; he didn’t have feelings to begin with and going on with your respective lives was the plan, except doing it side-by-side. But every time he’s with you, and especially when you’re lying next to him at night, he can’t help but think he wants more - and that he wants you to want it, too.

All the good parts about you, he absolutely adores. From how you always give your full attention to whoever it is you’re speaking with, your compassionate and empathetic nature, to your perpetual glow and radiance and how you stand out in a room because of it. He’s enamored by how you do everything with such elegance yet have the ability to relate with anyone, never making them feel inferior to you. Of course there’s the kindness, the intelligence, the talent, and the dulcet tone of your laugh and the sparkle in your eyes when you smile that he now can’t live without. 

He thinks he still wants you even when you get overly and unnecessarily courteous, when you’re too worried about making a fool of yourself so you always stay on the safe side. You tend to overanalyze and keep things to yourself; you’re afraid of failure so you stay in your comfort zone more than you stay out of it. You’re also pretty stubborn. He’s realized you’re not the best at communication and this infuriates him more than he cares to admit. 

But despite the frustrations these cause, he’s learned to love those parts of you too, and it isn’t as hard as he thought it would be. 

That’s it, right? Love. That’s what he feels for you. He could’ve walked away but he didn’t. Something pulled him in - his love for his family and fear of disappointing them, maybe - but something is making him stay. And that’s you.

**

Jungkook misses a step again, something that’s been happening since you stepped out of your bathroom earlier in the evening. 

How can he, when he can’t keep his eyes off you looking ravishing in your black halter gown? But he tries to keep his composure. It’s your night tonight and he doesn’t want to mess it up.

It’s one of the bigger art events of the year, with carefully curated pieces of different artists being featured in a special exhibition in one of Seoul’s well-known art galleries. You’re one of those artists, and you’ve spent the past several months making sure you get to present your best ones yet. Tonight is opening night, with your families and friends set to attend the next day.

Jungkook’s been nothing but supportive and understanding, especially when you wake up at 3 in the morning because an idea hit you. He’s seen you in work events, always graceful and composed. This is the first time he’s seeing you with your personal work being exhibited, and you’re a nervous wreck. A gorgeous nervous wreck, he corrects. 

You both enter the hall and you will yourself to get it together. You’re pacified when you see Namjoon, another one of your brother’s old friends and a massive art enthusiast. He delights at the sight of you and takes you in for a tight hug. 

“You look incredible, ___. I’m so sorry I missed the wedding,” he says apologetically. “I was shipped off to a conference abroad that I couldn’t get out of.”

“Don’t worry about it! We missed you though,” you say, and internally gush over his dimpled smile that you've always adored.

Jungkook reaches out his hand and introduces himself, which Namjoon responds to with his self-introduction.

“Seokjin wasn’t kidding when he said you two make a lovely couple.” He turns to you, “I’m so happy for you, ___. God, you’re so grown up,” he smiles again. 

The three of you continue on with your conversation about the wedding and how Namjoon has been, with you ensuring that Jungkook is involved. Namjoon won’t stop gushing over your pieces, and you blush at his compliments. It’s when his face changes the same time someone calls out your name that you feel your heart skip a beat. 

You turn around.

“Mingyu, it’s so nice to see you,” you greet the man. 

The name sounds familiar, Jungkook thinks. He’s heard his name before but not from you. 

“This is Jungkook, my husband,” you say, and Jungkook reaches out his hand with a proud smile on his face, owning the husband badge and wearing it proudly. “This is Mingyu,” is all you say. 

He gives Jungkook a shy smile. He looks harmless, Jungkook thinks. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the wedding,” he says. 

Jungkook doesn’t remember a Mingyu making it to the initial guest list, but he keeps this thought to himself. Where does he know him from?

After the pleasantries are exchanged, you and Jungkook explore the hall and he all but jumps in excitement at your work. Of course, he’s seen them multiple times, as he usually visits your bedroom-turned-full time-studio to give you your tea, tell you to rest, or give you words of encouragement. Seeing them here, with all the other works of art, makes his heart swell with pride. 

He enjoys how you blush at his compliments and rest your head on his shoulders out of embarrassment. He enjoys it, when you get close to him like this.

He excuses himself for a washroom break and you say you’ll be nearby. When he returns, he sees you by one of your pieces talking to Mingyu. Seeing the fondness in your face and your carefree laughter suddenly makes his heart churn. There’s an aura of familiarity between the two of you, like you’re in your own little bubble. You feel relaxed, giggling and excitedly talking. He’s not usually a jealous guy. Right?

He makes a guess and shoots Jimin a text. “What’s the name of ___’s ex?” 

“The not-so-great one is Won-shik. The other one is Mingyu. Why?” Jimin replies. 

Jungkook suddenly doesn’t feel too good. He wants to return to you but he feels stuck, and he chooses to torture himself by standing where he is and watching you two interact, past lovers who chose each other everyday, until you didn’t. 

He knows of Won-shik; you’ve mentioned him a few times. His dad heads Song Corporations, that’s how you knew each other. It was early in college and it didn’t work because you didn’t have much in common. You’d speak about him so casually. But Mingyu? You don’t. Perhaps he hurt you? That would mean you loved him if he did.

“You have nothing to worry about,” a deep familiar voice says. Jungkook looks up and sees Namjoon next to him, looking at the exact scene his eyes can’t tear away from. “It’s been years. They’re just old friends catching up.”

This doesn’t do much to appease Jungkook. He wants to know more about Mingyu but he also doesn’t. If he hurt you though, you both seem to be fine, acting like old friends. That’s one other thing you and Jungkook didn’t really have though - friendship. 

“Do you know what happened?” He asks the older man, courtesy out the window; it’s a question he needs answered. 

“You should ask her.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared,” Jungkook blurts. This catches Namjoon off-guard but you catch their attention at the same moment, and you motion for them to come to you. 

You engage all three men in conversation and you don’t miss the way Jungkook angles away from you, how he doesn’t take your hand like he has this whole night; you don’t miss his half smiles and forced interest.

Jungkook immerses himself in his own world the rest of the night, choosing to ignore Jimin’s messages and focuses on the art pieces that catch his eye. After some time, you’re tugging his arm. “Let’s go home, Kook. I’m tired.” 

He nods and leads you out.

For the first time in a while, you’re uncomfortable with the silence inside the car. But you can see right through him and you know what’s bothering him. 

You reach out for his hand that’s resting on the handbrake. “Mingyu’s my ex-boyfriend, but you probably know that already,” you start. Jungkook doesn’t respond.

“It was my senior year of college and we met at an art workshop. We were together for 3 years.”

Jungkook bites the inside of his cheeks at this, which is something he does to control his emotions. 

He answers with a question after some time, your hand still in his. “Did you love him?”

“Yes,” you say with no hesitation. “But it didn’t work out.”

Jungkook makes up reasons in his head instead of asking you; somehow he thinks this is better. Maybe you don’t wanna talk about it.

“Was it your parents?” He finally asks. This could be the most acceptable one for him. Maybe they didn’t like Mingyu because they were holding out for that Jeon-Kim union they wanted, a thought he would’ve been angry at months ago but now, it’s his saving grace.

“No. They liked him.” 

Jungkook breaks at this. It could’ve been Mingyu in his place right now. Why isn’t it him?

“Everything was good but he kept trying to meet standards no one set up for him but himself,” you explain. “I don’t think I ever made him feel like I wanted more than what he could give. He just looked so lowly at himself, always had to mention our differences in social status, which was never an issue for me, but no matter how much I showed I loved him, it just wasn’t enough.” 

You recall when you two came to a head that one afternoon. You got tired trying to prove someone’s worth to them when they couldn’t see it. You loved each other deeply and you were happy, but like what you told Jungkook you’d realized, it isn’t just about love. Mingyu didn’t trust you enough, didn’t respect you enough; he always felt like you were trying to make into someone he isn’t, always felt like you were unhappy, that you’d leave him for someone else he thought was better. 

Jungkook absorbs this but remembers something else. “He wasn’t in the initial guest list but he said he was invited.”

“I told him I was getting married but knew he wouldn’t come. He’s based in Canada right now. With his pregnant girlfriend. Who he’ll propose to when he gets back,” you say, catching Jungkook off-guard. “He’s only here to visit his sick mother but dropped by the exhibition when he saw my name on it.”

“Okay,” is all he manages to say. He feels like an idiot but also, this was something you deliberately kept to yourself.

“I noticed you disengage.”

“It’s silly.”

“It isn’t. I should’ve told you about him. I know we’re not —“ you stop. Not what? A couple? Together? Not in love with each other? 

“I just didn’t think it mattered,” you say instead.

“He’s your ex-boyfriend whom you loved and who loved you back. That matters,” he urges.

“Not to us.” 

You’re past it now. Jungkook is the one you’re married to, the one who fills your thoughts everyday, the one who makes you happy. 

“I’m sorry,” you say.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he assures.

“I just want you to trust me.”

“I do.”

And love me. Truly love me. This, you don’t say. 

“I do,” he repeats when you don’t say anything, lips kissing your hand that he’s holding tighter. You pretend he says it as a response to the desire you don’t make known. 

**

Weeks pass since that night at the art exhibition and things are back to how they were, but better now with you and Jungkook not being as busy. 

This prompts one of your uncles to convince you to finally book that all-expense paid trip to Fiji for your honeymoon as his wedding gift, but you make excuses. There’s an upcoming project you’re heading and you want to give it your full attention. It’s true, but it’s paradise in Fiji and you want to make sure you and Jungkook are where you want to be when you go there. 

Jungkook thinks this too without you knowing. He still thinks about a lot of things, like how lucky Mingyu was that he was loved by you, and how stupid too for letting all that go. But still, he thanks the guy - not for breaking your heart - but for leaving you whole enough for him to love. You’d picked up the pieces after him, you’d said; you didn’t want anyone filling the hole he left. You wanted to do that on your own and you did, that’s why you agreed to marry him. 

Another thing Jungkook thinks about is how you don’t really cuddle. Yes, you’re affectionate. You hug and hold hands - when your clothes are on, but not really when they’re off. Even with the sex - whether it’s the soft and sensual one or the rough and wild one - there are intimate things you still don’t do. You don’t really engage in pillow talk, you don’t shower together, you don’t deliberately hug him when you sleep. He can’t help but think of some invisible wall he wasn’t aware of that you put up.

It hits him all over again tonight when after your multiple orgasm-inducing sex, after you screaming his name and leaving scratches on his back, you turn around and ready yourself to sleep. 

He wraps his arm around your waist and you let him, like always, but he wants to see your face, wants to drown in your smile, tuck your hair behind your ear; he wants you to say sweet nothings to each other until you both fall asleep.

“___, can I ask you something?” He calls out. 

You turn around and he doesn’t miss the bit of distance you ensure is there. “Yeah?”

“How come you never linger?”

“What do you mean?”

“After we kiss or have sex you never… remain. You just turn away.”

You’re caught off-guard; it shows with how you just stare at him and hold your breath. But should you be surprised? Of course Jungkook noticed; he’s been paying attention to you, to the things you do and say, to the things you like and don’t like, what makes you happy and sad, how you react to him - and not just in bed but in general. 

You don’t remain, like he says; you don’t stay in that moment with him. 

There are certain intimate acts that you don’t indulge in; lingering is one of them. Cuddles in bed are rare, goodnight kisses from you after sex don’t happen, none of the emotion-baring “you mean so much to me” and “you make me happy” musings before you fall asleep; they’re just words caught in your throat that don’t see the light of day. 

It’s how you keep your emotions in check. It’s how you steady yourself, how you manage that fear that’s crept up at the realization that you might be in love with him but he isn’t.

“I love you, you know?” He confesses. Head bowed down, he focuses on the space between you two. He doesn’t see the shocked look on your face. 

Is he, really? Has he finally let go and allowed himself to truly feel that for you? 

“I’m madly in love with you and I don’t know what to do, which is silly because we’re married and do everything married couples do… well,” he sighs, looking straight into your eyes, his onyx ones expressing all the emotions he’s been keeping in. “Except love each other. There’s still that,” he laughs softly, perhaps to ease the sudden tension in the room, which is evident with how you have not moved - nor blinked - at all, mouth slightly parted as an exit to the breath you’ve been holding in. 

He shakes his head at your non-movement, as if to say to not mind his late night confessions. “You don’t have to say it back,” he says. 

“Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve it but that’s what I’m working on. I want to deserve whatever it is you can give me, and I’ll take whatever that may be,” he affirms with a soft smile. 

You want to tell him that you do love him, that’s not the issue. It’s his love that you’re not so sure about.

He motions to turn around but you stop him with a hand lightly touching his arm. You let this movement say the words that you can’t - I’m sorry, please understand, please don’t turn away. With a touch of your hand, you keep him at bay; he reckons this is enough. 

He lays there facing you, his hand holding yours, and he kisses it softly. “Good night, ___.”

**

You didn’t sleep well last night. Jungkook’s words kept ringing in your head and you allowed yourself to peek through half-lidded eyes to see his sleeping form, so peaceful, so soft. Maybe hurt, too. 

He said he loves you. You want that. For years you kept that special nook in your heart for him. You never nurtured it but you let it stay, until slowly it grew and consumed you. Now it’s something he feels for you too. But you’re scared it’s not what you imagined, you’re scared it’s out of pity, out of regret, and that’s not how you want to be loved.

It’s a Friday and Jungkook calls to say they have an affiliates’ dinner and you know he’ll be home late. “Don’t wait up for me,” he says, probably aware of your lack of sleep.

You take this time to enjoy your bath, the scent of vanilla calming you down. 

“You have to learn to talk about things,” Seokjin told you earlier that day when you accompanied him to buy items for the home office that he’s surprising Mina with. 

He noticed that your eyes didn’t shine at the mention of your husband like they normally did. This prompted him to ask if everything was okay. You told him the truth, as you didn’t want your brother to get the wrong idea and punch Jungkook this time around.

“Hey, I talk about things,” you said defensively.

“Only when you’re in control.” You kept silent. “But you don’t think you are and you’re scared he doesn’t mean what he said. So now you’re gonna keep this to yourself and then you’ll keep him at bay. And you know what you’re gonna miss out on if you don’t talk to him?”

“What?”

“Genuine happiness.” 

You sighed at this, knowing your brother’s right. 

“You know I would’ve chopped his head off at one point so I hope you believe me when I say that you have nothing to worry about,” Seokjin continued. “He talks about you like you hold galaxies in your eyes, ___. I’d never seen him this happy.”

You sigh to yourself. You’re happy too, just not fully, completely, and it's because you're holding back. You want him to know how you feel but you’re scared. 

But even in the midst of your restlessness, you can’t wait for him to come home and be with you again.

You’re in the state of falling into deep sleep when you feel a dip on the bed, and your half conscious mind expects to feel your husband’s heat radiate from his body next to you, but you don’t. Instead, you hear footsteps trail down the stairs and the bed suddenly feels empty. 

Does he not want to sleep next to you tonight? 

You’re suddenly wide awake and you lay there for a while. Your heart can’t take the thought of Jungkook thinking that you don’t love him back. 

You make your way downstairs and see him lying on the couch drifting into sleep, his phone forgotten on his chest. You kneel next to his subconscious form and admire how beautiful he looks. 

“Hey, Kook,” you mumble, hand ghosting his taut arm, and you’re tempted to trace the veins decorating it. 

His eyes flutter open and his face softens at the sight of you. “Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were asleep,” he says, slightly propping himself up with his elbows.

“Bed felt empty, suddenly felt cold,” you pout. You don’t want to think he didn’t intend on sleeping next to you, probably upset at the words you didn’t say last night. 

“Sorry,” he says, amused at your sulky form. “Wanted to play my game on my phone then I dozed off.”

You stay kneeling next to him and focus on the floor, silence enveloping you two. 

“I’m sorry,” you finally say.

He doesn’t act oblivious. He knows why you’re apologizing.

“I didn’t say it so you could say it back, ___. I just wanted to finally be honest with myself, and with you. I know it’s crazy because of how things started but I guess…” he huffs, trying to find the right words, “there was always something there and I was too stubborn and jealous and angry to admit it.” You see his chastened look and it hits you again.

You bite your lips and play with your fingers, a tell when you’re nervous, and he picks this up. “What if you’re just guilty? Or you just feel bad?” You ask, hesitantly meeting his eyes. “What if…” You don’t really love me, you’re scared to say.

Jungkook sits up, almost offended at your insinuation but maybe he deserves this too.

“Yeah, I was,” he starts, and your face falls at the confirmation of what you’ve been fearing. “I felt guilty and terrible that night we fought, and even before that. I shouldn’t have acted that way, shouldn’t have made you feel like you weren’t enough. There were so many things I shouldn’t and should have done,” he tells you. 

He pulls you up to sit in front of him on the couch and takes your hands on his. 

“I hated myself for hurting you, ___. I’d never known heartbreak until I saw you cry that night we fought and I promised myself right then and there that I’ll make sure you never ever feel that way again.” He tilts your chin towards him, his eyes begging you to trust his words. 

“That’s why I came looking for you so I could hold you, tell you I’m sorry and that from then on, I’ll be better for you because I want to be able to treat you the way you deserve, even before I knew the truth,” he continues. “But you were gone and when you were away, I felt a big part of me was gone, too. I was so scared I’d lost you before I even got the chance to tell you how I really feel.”

You will yourself not to cry at his words. He’d never been this open to you about his emotions, never been this vulnerable about his fears, never been this honest about his faults. 

“Knowing the truth just made me hate myself more, made me angrier, made me more worried about you. It just highlighted the feelings that were already there. That I love you, that I can’t live this life without you.”

You can’t help the tears that fall. Jungkook’s heart breaks at this but he gets to hold you this time, he gets to tell you it’s okay, which is exactly what he does. 

“I’d ask for you to please love me back but I want you to —“ his words are muffled by your lips on his, and it’s his continued confession that prompts your greedy movements against him. 

He holds your head steady, as he smiles into your needy kisses and he wipes the tears as they fall from your face. You hold onto him tightly, as if telling him this time that you don’t ever want to let him go. 

Your hands travel all over his body and you want to touch and feel all of him all at once and savor him, drown in his scent, relish his taste, and fall apart at his touch. 

In your dimly lit living room, you two make love. That’s what it is because in the midst of him ravishing you, thrusting in and out of you, gripping your skin that it burns so deliciously, he holds you so close as if he's going to lose you; he interlocks his fingers with yours as if to say he’ll hold your hand through everything; he kisses every inch of you so delicately as if to tell you he’ll soothe all the hurt and all the pain from here on out. 

In the midst of the ecstasy and your trance-like states, he whispers the words he wants to say every time he has you like this - I love you, I want you, I need you. 

It’s when you’re straddling him and you’re coming down from your third orgasm of the night, with your forehead pressed against his and you’re heaving from the waves of pleasure he selflessly gives you, that you say the words you’ve also been wanting to tell him - “I love you, Jungkook,” in between bated breaths. 

“And I’m not just saying this because that was the best orgasm I’ve had and you’ve given me a lot,” you giggle, a sound he echoes. 

You steady your breathing and you stare into those onyx eyes that are filled with so much desire and fondness for you. They glimmer like they always have and you don’t miss the mist that lightly coats them. You mirror his emotions and he wraps his arms tighter around you, fingers tracing the curve of your spine, his head falling into the crook of your neck.

“I love you so much, ___. I’m never letting you go,” he says.

You hum in his ear and softly brush your fingers through his hair, soothing him. “I love you, Kook. I’ll always be right here.”

**

You lay on the couch and cuddle like it’s the first time, fingers still intertwined, lips always touching a part of the other. You stay like this until the sun starts to rise and you marvel at how beautiful it looks from where you are.

It feels quite dramatic watching the sunrise like this, as it feels like it’s a completely new start for you and Jungkook, too. 

You came into this arrangement with a different mindset, thinking what you’ll have is a mere companion as you go through the rest of your life. But you didn’t think you could ever feel like this for someone, this overwhelming desire and connection, and that you’d want to be so loved and needed and wanted like this. With Jungkook now, he makes you feel all that and more.

“I heard the sunrise over the water out in Fiji is beautiful, ___,” Jungkook says in between tangled limbs.

“Mhmm,” you hum. You turn to him. With the sun’s rays highlighting his tan skin and enchanting features, you trace his face with your fingers. “I think it’s time for a honeymoon, Kook,” you say, excitement laced in your voice.

He nods and smiles at this and you continue, “so is a fourth round.” 

He laughs and crashes his lips on yours, feeling you moan into the kiss once more. With you writhing underneath him and whispering sweet nothings in his ears, Jungkook can’t help but think that of all the things that his parents forced onto him, marrying you is truly the only one he’s thankful for, and he can’t be any happier. 

The times you’d not taken his hand when he held it out for you don’t matter anymore. You’re holding each other now and he knows you’ll be doing so for the rest of your happy lives together.

#

Series Masterlist

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[utau-bowl]

Looking at all the Voicebanks on the Arpasing website

This is a project that took a good amount of time to write and publish, so I’m glad I’m finally here! For context, there is an unofficial Arpasing website with reclists, plugins, and USTs to use. There’s also a list of avilable Arpasing voicebanks to try out, and here’s where I had the idea to download and talk about-all of them. These will generally be pretty short, but I hope they’re at least somewhat informative. Many of these voicebanks are in beta/unfinished to a degree, so keep that in mind. Since a lot of these are old beta voices, if you don’t want your VB on here, just send me a message and I’ll delete it.

All of these voices can be downloaded at the Voicebank Directory on the Arpasing site. 

A few of the links on the site didn’t work, so sorry Cherry, Daichi Hayashi, and Armani. I’m also not including the Arpasing prototype VB since it’s just recordings and has no oto. For people who don’t know much about arpasing: 0.1.0 is the original version of Arpasing with 219 samples, and 0.2.0 is an updated later version made by Kanru Hua that has 334 samples. I also bring up the alveolar tap a little bit. The alveolar tap is a consonant common in american English (it’s the “tt” sound in butter, better, and letter). Since Arpasing was optimized for American English, it’s surprising that most of the reclists for it don’t include the alveolar tap! So I might point that out when I see it added into a vb.

Aero-gen Shinsu by Wolfe Nebula

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 3 ※Has FRQs?: Some Aero is a mild adolescent sounding voice with lots of noise. He generally sounds pretty sweet and light, I love his voice a lot! There is a decent anount of background noise, which some may be picky about. Still, it doesn’t affect the quality much and he works with most resamplers. Putting high BRE on him makes him sound pretty good. I generally had no issues with his oto, but the CC transitions aren’t otoed very well and some are off time.

Aino Erufu by Jasputing

※Reclist: 0.2.0  ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes, also has full llsm and pmk files Aino has a very unique voice acted timbre, and it’s almost difficult to find a song to match her. But when you do, she’s a sweetie. ^^ She has a sweet, louder voice and sounds best above A3, or even higher in the soprano range.  She is touchy with resamplers but works well with fresamp and world4utau.

Aki Toka/幸兔雪  by Yukito Yuki 

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes Aki is clear and strong and has a good tone. good tone, clear. has full frqs. got one of my favorite accents. Despite being monopitch, he has a very wide range and can go a little below his stated range of F3-C5. The mid/low range sounds best though imo. He comes with a guide for aliasing for those new to Arpasing, and a list of all the sounds which were affected by the VP’s accent. The Finnish accent does come through in the vowels and ending consonants, but the duplicates allow for more varied pronunciation so it’s not a big deal. Akihana ENG [radiance] D3_beta by Lunamageice ※Reclist: 0.1.0, uses phonetic filenames  ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes Akihana has a low, rich, full voice that’s good in bass and baritone range. I’ve used his VCCV before, but the Arpasing actually has more natural pronunciation. It has been in beta all this time, but it’s still worth it to use because of the rarity of this voicetype in UTAU. Angus by ReticentResolve

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes    I was blown away by how good Angus was! He’s a deep, soft masculine voice ranged F2-G4 with a nasal quality. He comes with a tripitch VCV JP bank for those who’d want that too. The mic he was recorded on picked up a lot of background noise and makes him sound muffled, but he’s still a decent vb.

AWG YukiList verKLAD by Adlez27 ※Reclist: YukiList with modifications ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No This is an example voicebank for the Yukilist arpasing recording style created by YukitoYuki. It has 800+ samples and a lot more coverage than basic Arpasing. It’s a tenor vb with a mild tone. The alveolar tap (dx) samples are in a separate folder for some reason and aren’t fully otoed, but they work fine. Some of the VC transitions aren’t configured correctly, but generally the oto is good.

Canary by SlightlyShredded

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 (D3) ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm Canary has a really pleasant voice! He’s a sweet, fruity baritone with power in his voice. He’s very suitable for pop/edm. His oto kept spitting out errors while I used him but he sounds mostly fine despite that. 

Eon_Arpasing by fmccaddy12 ※Reclist: Custom (made by fmccaddy12) ※Number of pitches: 2 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm Eon is a very realistic baritone voice. He sounds a little congested but is overall one of the best voicebanks on this list. He can be pushed a bit out of his range As far as I’m aware, his official site/character revamp is not done yet but his dl is still up on this website. Not even sure if I should share the link but it is still up publicly...

Hailey Denali by CatMoun

※Reclist: Custom  ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm  Hailey has one of the cutest tones one of all these voicebanks. She’s very nasal and sounds almost voice acted. Her reclist is 500+ samples long and doesn’t lack anything. However, all the vowels and most of the consonants are 2-3 syllables. Hailey also comes with an automatic updater.

鳳鐘ユウリ(Houshou Yuuri) by さきた (Sakita) 

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Some  Yuuri has a range of about A3-D5. She has a heavy Japanese accent but a decent range. She’s very emotional and pretty sounding, especially in the higher ranges. Though, if you want to use her, know that her oto requires a lot of fixing, as a lot of VC transitions are configured incorrectly.

Johatsun Kikuro Arpasing by Awes0meBr0/Biohazard-P

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm/bak/pmk   He has very quiet samples which causes lots of distortion in the program. Nevertheless, he still manages to sound realistic somehow-? He reminds me of older vocal synths like Microsoft Sam almost. I did mess around a bit with resamplers/flags for Kikuro and the best combination I’ve found so far was f2resamp and F0g1H20h0C10. Using Kikuro requires some effort but he’s sill pretty good.

Kara Kokone by SunGuardian524

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 5 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Some  Kara is most impressive for being one of the UTAU with the highest number of pitches on this list- each of them has a different tone, with one being a falsetto and another being a shout pitch. Her range is pretty wide, reaching almost into alto and being able to hit the high soprano notes too. However, this bank really does feel like a beta that hasn’t been touched in a while. It doesn’t have a fully configured prefix.map and the oto is pretty off and requires a lot of adjusting. I also wish she used a more comprehensive form of the reclist, since there is a lot missing. At least there’s a lot of duplicate entries.

Kayaka Konagi Arpasing(English) by こむぎこ (Komugiko)  ※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes Konagi is very good, her pronunciation is clear and she has a nice tone. She is a bit finicky with resamplers and flags, probably meant to be used with default settings. She does have a Japanese accent but it’s a little less pronounced than Yuuri’s.

Kevin Futarine STUDIO (VP2 Arpasing) by FRAloids

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No  Kevin is another baritone voice with a youthful flavor. It has a good amount of flexibility, being sort of emotional and soft sounding but also capable of producing a bright, clear sound. He was recorded at E3 but has a flexible range and even sounds good higher. His pronunciation is pretty on point, but the t/d are a little mixed up. His dh sounds are also so short they’re hard to hear at times. The oto is generally good but might need some adjusting out of the box. He has a ton of extra samples of sighs, laughs, whispers, etc. I’ve been a Kevin fan for years and this voicebank definitely keeps the tone his Japanese vbs have.

Kii Nane by kii ※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Some   Kii Nane is a sugary sweet voice that sounds best at C4 and above. Her samples have a lot of reverb, and there is some background noise which affects the output. Her pronunciation is very good, but a little slurred and off because of the engine noise. Resamplers are hit or miss, she does sound good with world4utau though.

Koyanagi Sayuki DEITY by Mango-tama

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 4 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No, but has full llsm  Sayuki is a very realistic voice ranged F#3-G5. Her low range is soft and her mid/high range is loud and clear. Lovely to tune and use in anything, I don’t have much negative to say about her.

Koyanagi Takehiko_TSUNAMI (BETA) by Mango-tama

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 (G3) ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No, but has full llsm Takehiko is very cool sounding and bassy, and the voice acting makes him distinct from his sister. His best range is from D3 to G4 and he has sorta a soft tone that can be boosted via resamplers. He sounds great with f2resamp.

KYE by WinterdrivE

※Reclist: 0.1.0 + a few Alveolar tap samples ※Number of pitches: 5 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No, but has full llsm Kye needs no introduction-he’s the guy who got most of us interested in Arpasing in the first place! His abundance of pitches works in his favor. He’s probably the best of these voicebanks to just plug and play to learn how to use Arpasing-if you don’t mind waiting for all those 1000+ frqs to generate. He is by far the best in baritone/bass range. A lot of the D4 pitch actually has pitch/frequency issues that can’t be fixed without workarounds, so using him from B2-C4 is your best bet-or just using a different pitch for the higher ranges. He does have a sort-of lisp but overall, not many oto or pronunciation issues.

Marie Kagekine Arpasing (v1.0) by AdagioFantasque

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes +  some llsm, pmk, and uspec  Marie is an operatic voicebank who tries to recapture the charm of Prima in an UTAU format. She has a wide range of B3-F5 and a mature, yet high and bright, sound. She has some of the best understandability out of any of these voicebanks. I really like her <3

Mikone Samu by codyboyo

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes Samu/Sam is a port of Microsoft Sam done in a similar way to how Defoko was made. He’s a crisp sounding masculine low voice. Due to the samples being short, he can sound very stilted. But for a jinriki (?) like this, he is very high quality.

Resonance Harmony (Arpasing English) by Hazu/パワ 

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 6 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes I have a lot to say about Harmony, and no good way of wording it. Okay. Resonance is very nasally and high, she has 3 base pitches plus growl, power, and whisper appends, and some vocal fry. Conceptually, she seems like a pretty good bank but I’ve always had trouble using her...it feels like a hit or miss on whether she’ll sound good or not. She sounds decent with f2resamp and w4utau but not many flags make her sound better. If anyone else wants to download her and play around, I’d love to hear it.

Rose Mae Arpasing BETA by Monochrome Rose ※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm Rose has a bright, tomboyish, androgynous voice. The readme file notifies us of the non-native accent in the vb. It does have a drawl and some of the consonants aren’t recorded/otoed right, but overall the vb sounds very smooth. Honestly, I care more about recording conditions/oto/general feel than accent most of the time, and Rose does well in those ways.

Ryuunosuke Aoyama by Mattsuran 

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 (B3) ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes + llsm Ryuunosuke is a childish, boyish voice with a strong Chilean accent. I think this vb may have actually been recorded by a kid, so that’s a point for uniqueness at least. He sounds best with fresamp and f2resamp. He has a gentle tone that can work in a lot of different ranges.

Tarek by Tadashi

※Reclist: 0.1.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 (B2) ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No, has llsm Tarek has a clear, loud tone with a noticeable lisp. UTAU recommends using him as a baritone, but I found putting him into higher ranges generally worked too. His samples sound less like singing and more like talking. He was recorded on a midquality mic which causes some distortion in the output. Still, I think his voice is really cute and I’m a sucker for baritones.

Thoma by Nythoma

※Reclist: 0.2.0 + vocal fry/alveolar tap ※Number of pitches: 1 (F#3) ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes   Thoma is an androgynous alto/mezo soprano. They have a soft, plasticy sort of feeling to their voice. They sound best from C3-F5. I feel a little..weird linking to/talking about Thoma since they were redesigned and are supposed to be a private voicebank, but the download is still linked on this site. Also please check out Nythoma when you get a chance, they make the best Arpasing USTs which helped me a lot while making this post. I feel like I haven’t checked in on anyone here in a while. How are you doing? I’ve written most of this post within the span of a few days and I think my brain is not capable of producing any thoughts other than “monopitch.”

Tsubasa Arugo Arpasing (BETA) by WinterStar

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 1 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: Yes   Tsubasa has a soft, androgynous voice that sounds best from E3-A4. The samples are full of static, which causes some distortion. The ending vowel sounds also cut off too much at the beginning, making them too breathy. Still, it’s always nice to see another soft vb.

Xiao Meihua by 実偽Migi

※Reclist: 0.2.0 ※Number of pitches: 2 ※Has fully generated FRQs?: No Meihua has a realistic mature voice that’s also sweet and friendly sounding. She has a sort of low voice, and sounds the best from G3-C5. The download comes with a natural vb and a Sweet append, both monopitch. I listed them as being different pitches because they aren’t recorded at the same note. The Sweet voicebank is nasal and stronger too-it sounds more solid than sweet. She’s one of the vbs on this list that sounds the best with little to no edits. Her oto is smooth as butter :0

And that’s all of them done! Thank you SO much for reading if you got this far, seriously. You are what makes writing this blog worth it <3

Also I wanted to list my favorites of the bunch! This isn’t meant to pit any vb against each other or anything, just the ones I’m likely to go back to. -Canary -Eon -Xiao Meihua -Marie Kagekine -Kii Nane -Aki Toka -Thoma -Kevin Futarine Studio

Who are your favorites?

[serifsans]

Vladimir’s bulk is warm and comfortable in a way nothing else is. It’d probably be downright luxurious to curl up on his lap in his true form but if there’s anything Jean-Paul hates, it’s letting their boyfriend (boyfriend, he calls him, as if either of them aren’t anything but too damn old, as if they don’t think of him as their husband, even if they dare not say it lest that change something and ruin everything.) see them when they aren’t wearing human form. It’s embarrassing, like being caught wearing bell-bottoms before they cycle back into fashion. They’ll let Vladimir see them now when they’re skulking around wearing ratty bathrobes so old they’re now antiques but JP draws the line as letting him see that silly pink dog.

(Also, they figure that if the regulators ever decide to mind-wipe him, it’s probably better if he has less memories of an obviously alien form. Maybe it won’t completely fry his brain then. JP’s terrified of that. Of course, JP also knows that if they ever came for him, Vladimir’s taking as many regulators as possible with him before they could even get to his head. They’re terrified of that just as much.)

They see each other so infrequently anyway that there’s no point wasting it looking like anything but a dream: that is, if your idea of a dream is undersized, middle-aged, and dressed entirely in designer brands. Vladimir’s is, which is part of the reason they like him so much. Their volph form is not a dream. It’s silly and little and adorable when it’s not glitching and lagging. JP will take adorable but the silly part, no.

Jean-Paul has his shop and his commissions and a whole part of his life he doesn’t want to drag Vladimir into any more than he already has. Vladimir’s got his work and his family and a whole part of his life he doesn’t want to drag Jean-Paul (or Polly Jean or whatever other name they cycle though) into any more than he already has. They both have businesses that keep them very busy and also side-pieces that also keep them very busy, mostly because neither of them really like to address their emotions and mostly deal with them by throwing themselves at whatever distraction they can find. Always, always, there’s the looming threat that this cannot last, that it’ll end poorly, that they should just end this, but whenever they break up, they can’t stay apart too long until the fear comes for one of them again.

Anyway, the point? Jean-Paul’s living like a fucking king over there because he gets to wallow all over this man. Anyone who doesn’t get to cuddle him is missing out on one of the finer joys of life.

“Paulie, my sweet one, maybe you would like it more if you moved a little, yeah? Just a little. I love you as I love no other, you are my starshine, my heart, but your ass, it’s bony. My legs can only take so much. I am sorry, my love.”

Oh, okay, the man he loves is just cruelly abandoning him like a complete and utter monster. That’s how it is. Being JP is so hard. They make a big show of looking extremely sad as they scoot off his lap and curl up against his side instead, sighing extremely, extremely over-dramatically. Vladimir pets his hair and gives him a little kiss to make up for kicking him off of his lap. JP sighs even more sadly and when that doesn’t elicit the desired response, sighs even louder so Vladimir kisses him again.

Their ass isn’t that bony.

“I guess I might find it within my heart to forgive you for this cruel and utterly cutting insult,” they say. “But only because I am an extremely kind person. The best. I’m completely saintly, darling. That’s the truth of it.”

Vladimir chuckles, a low rumble.

“They will write poems to your kindness and generosity. They will not say that you called what’s-her-name horrible things for hours only because she did not say hello to you while walking down the street. I still think she did not see you. If she knew what you said, she would never talk to you agains even if she did see you.”

JP huffs.

“First of all, it was not for hours. Second of all, I was only being truthful. Third of all, she did it on purpose; don’t argue otherwise. Fourthly, she can snub me all she wants, I really do not give a fuck, the joke’s on her, I made out with her dear old dad in the 70s and he liked it, so hah. I hope no one shows up at her fucking garden party. I hope she gets kicked out of the country club. I hope she buys a pony and it doesn’t love her.”

“Okay, Paulie, you tart,” says Vladimir, laughter still in his voice. “You were very busy in the 70s. You must have never rested.”

“You know it.”

Maybe being kicked off Vladimir’s lap isn’t so bad. It means they can nestle up against him and rest their head on his stomach. He likes to run his fingers through their hair, especially since they decided to start wearing it long in this body. Anyone else doing it makes him feel like anxious lapdog with no control over who does and doesn’t pet him (or pull his tail or mess with his ears or poke him) but Vladimir does it and he feels like a person instead. He closes his eyes and though he never naps, JP really feels so comfortable right now he could doze off. Bears are fantastic. The world needs more of them. Actually, it needs more of them and it needs this one to last forever.

“Mm, completely unrelated to exploits of the past, but I made an account on a website. Thought you should know. Transparency. Communication. That sort of thing. It’s fun.”

God, they’re comfy. This is amazing. Their life really is so blessed. Thank you, universe.

“Paulie,” his boyfriend says with gentle exasperation in his voice. “You join these websites, you find someone that maybe you do not like, you say things that you know to be hurtful, the websites say that you cannot go to them anymore. You can’t keep doing this. There is a reason that I run the boutique’s social media and you, you, my heart, are allowed nowhere near. You are very spiteful and very rude. I know this and I love you.”

JP really can’t argue against this one because they’re running out of websites to be banned from. Even still, they roll their eyes and huff because how dare Vladimir call them out like this.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll behave. I’m really trying to be nicer, you know. It’s all so goddamn weird that I wouldn’t even understand how to insult these people if I tried, anyway. I don’t fucking get memes, darling. It’s all a bunch of bullshit people pretend is funny. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I am sorry you do not understand the Internet. It is a strange place. I will send you Russian memes instead and then maybe you will understand,” Vladimir says. “If you do not like the site, then maybe consider not being on it.”

“I didn’t say that. I just said that it doesn’t make sense. Darling, you know I really do think people should cater to my exact sense of taste at all times but even though they don’t, I still very graciously put up with it,” JP says. “It’s a website for fellow space fans. They’re all bound to be weird."

Vladimir’s hand in his hair stills.

“I do not need to know the details of what you say on your websites, I think maybe I do not even need to know what they are called, but be mindful of what you post. You do not know who could be reading. Do not mention me on it ever, please.  Be careful.”

The ever-present anxiety starts making itself known. It’s not that Vladimir himself makes them anxious because he’s a giant softie underneath the leather and gruff exterior and the fact that he will commit murder in an instant if it means protecting his loved ones. It’s just that sometimes JP very suddenly remembers how much they absolutely have to protect him at all costs and what it will be like to lose him if they can’t devise a way to keep him around forever.

“I’m sorry, Vladimir. I should’ve said something before I made an account. I’ll delete it. I just...you told me I can’t keep running away from others like me. Well, I can’t deal with them in real life. I just can’t. It’s just a website, I didn’t think things through, I don’t want to compromise your safety, I can-”

“Ah, ah, no, I am sorry, I think maybe I said things too harshly, do not worry, my darling. I trust you. Please, maybe it will be a good thing for you and then you will understand their memes. I only want you to be happy and safe. Just be careful, okay? And do not start fights with people.”

JP whines and buries their face against him.

“I really can delete it. I, I don’t always think things through. I wasn’t made for thinking.”

Vladimir decides the best course of action is to pull them back into his lap in hopes it’ll calm the anxious volph, except JP can’t even properly enjoy it because their brain (if they even have a brain because they honestly do not know.) goes from zero to one hundred in half a second and now they’re thinking about everything bad that could possibly happen because they joined a website for aliens.

“Hey, it’s okay, okay? Have fun on your alien dating site. Maybe you will sleep with a Nessie and it will change your life. Do not worry about me. Just be careful with yourself, okay? You do not protect that person enough.”

That’s enough for JP to momentarily break through the anxiety.

“It’s a blogging website, not a hookup website."

“Okay.”

...

“Paulie? Is the Loch Ness Monster real? Do you know her?”

“Darling, you know I never kiss and tell.”

“Is she real?”

“Fuck if I know but I’m certainly not swimming all the way over there to find out.”

[hysteriium]

Ledger!Joker x JP!Joker headcanons 👀 ??

(Edit isn’t mine, made by Anarchy Graphics! They have really cool edits you should check them out!)

(A/n): 👀 HEY THERE DEAR ANON! Your wish is my command ;)) sorry I kinda added some smut hope that’s okie! HEHEH also @pennyship​ and I are writing a massive fucking one-shot about the duo! We’re thinking of turning this into a series if anyone’s interested?

Pairing: JP! Joker x reader x Heath!Joker

Warnings: NSFW, BDSM themes, swearing.

////

Together

Okay first things first, they will have a hard time ‘sharing’ you. They’re both really assertive characters and their personalities would for sure clash. 

They’re very competitive. 

What’s probably even weirder is how they resolve their arguments. If you expect them to sit down and shake it out b o i you’re dead wrong.

Honestly, if you catch them in the middle of doing some stupid shit, don’t be surprised.

More often than not, you feel like the mediator between them. You kind of keep them balanced – stop them from going overboard, though admittedly, it’s rare when they reach such a point. 

Their unspoken contest keeps them on their toes and that’s just how they like it.  

They also really appreciate how you spare them the psychoanalysis – they get enough of it when they’re thrown into Arkham and treated like odd spectacles. 

They’re really possessive/protective. If someone even so much as thinks of threatening you, or, even more idiotic, makes it known they ARE, best believe they’re bringing out the big guns. They’ll rain hellfire upon them. This is perhaps the only time where the dynamic duo can work together. 

NSFW

A lot of the times they take their frustration out in other activities. If something doesn’t go as ‘planned,’ you’re gonna have a hard time walking tomorrow.  

(Coming back to their ‘rivalry’), they’ll leave hickeys on your neck – VISIBLE ONES MIGHT I ADD – just so the other can see. This often leads to more hickeys from the other. 

Threesomes. Sorry, not sorry. (Will go into detail in an upcoming fic hehe). 

Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker

This. Man. Is. Touch-starved. 

You heard me, folks. He loves touching you. This isn’t exclusive to sex either, honestly, he’s happy with even the smallest displays of affection. 

He’s also much kinder than Heath’s Joker AND WHAT I MEAN BY THAT is that he’s more open with his affections (see Heath’s section for deetz). 

Loves loves loves your smile and your laugh! Every time he snatches a laugh roused by one of his puns or jokes, he’s ecstatic! “You should laugh more,” “you have a pretty smile.” His compliments aren’t always worded the greatest, but you know he means well, his sincerity shining through. 

Coupled with the soft smile which almost always follows your joy, it’s enough on its own to convey his thoughts. 

The man is incredibly playful and is a relentless flirt. He doesn’t CARE who’s around, he will make it known what nasty things he’s thinking about AND what nasty things he wants to do to you. If it wasn’t for your own protests which are occasionally worn down, he’d take you in front of others. He literally does not care.

Example: when you least expect it, you’ll feel a firm slap against your ass, or sometimes less overt, a grab. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who it is. 

To reiterate, he absolutely has no shame. 

Arthur is big on aftercare. He’ll make sure you know how much he loves you. He gets really attached, and his actions communicate this more than his words. Aftercare manifests itself in many forms: cuddling, bubble baths, making sure he hasn’t harmed you in any way, offering sweets.

Nicknames

“Angel.”

“Darling.”

“Doll.” (Heath’s Joker also uses this). 

“Sugar.” He often uses this when he’s mad, for example, “okay, listen, sugar.”

“Sweetheart.”

NSFW

Depending on how Arthur’s feeling, funky time can either be really rough or, if he’s feeling a lil extra sentimental, very you-oriented. 

He’s a passionate man and seeing how his touch leads to your unravelling is truly one of the highlights for him. 

Above all, Arthur’s favourite thing is hearing the way his name spills from your lips – feeling the way you cling onto him as he plunges into you. Your expression of euphoria’s something that’s etched into his brain, like fine glass.   

An added bonus for him is thinking about how antsy your loud moans make Heath’s Joker. 

Gunplay → Arthur’s slender fingers indent your thighs as he spreads them apart, a sudden metallic chill brushing up against the flesh. Prodding at your entrance with the barrel and slowly pushing in, his slow teasing thrusts morph into a steady pace when you’re practically pleading him to let you cum. 

Orgasm Denial → Arthur, being the mischievous boi he is, will damn well make sure he drags everything out. He loves to hear you beg, every time you do it fills him with swirling bursts of pride. 

Body worship → sort of ties in with orgasm denial. Arthur will take his sweet ass time caressing your skin, planting kisses against your stomach – against your hips. Honestly anywhere he has access to he will make it known how much he appreciates your body. This can sometimes appear during sex – he’ll slow his pace and utter sweet whispers of praise against you, rendering you even more of a flustered mess.

Hair pulling → works both ways. This would mainly be exhibited during oral than anything else. If he’s going down on you and your trembling fingers jerk his green curls, the vibrations of his moans would tip you over the edge. 

He’s more flexible than Heath’s Joker, meaning if you want to top, he’ll let you do so, though he still maintains a cocky air. Giving you one of his killer smirks, his eyebrows flicking in amusement, he’ll relinquish his hold on your hips and recline back into the couch. The way he leans back and places his hands behind his head screams ‘go ahead,’ ‘impress me.’ You always do.

Heath Ledger’s Joker

Will do shit just to spite Arthur; this isn’t because he has a personal vendetta against him, it’s just because of the person he is (a little shit).

Takes a bit longer to open up than Arthur, emotionally. He’s very closed off and is used to his little bubble. It takes patience but eventually you’ll get there.

Acts like the biggest hardass → he likes to portray there’s nothing more to his image other than the ‘agent of chaos,’ but you come to realise this is definitely not the case. 

In the dead of night, when he returns from whatever havoc he’s stirred, he crawls into your bed and pulls you against him, arms embracing you loosely.

This is when he’s at his most affectionate. His exhaustion most likely adds to those falling walls. 

Most of the time he thinks you’re asleep when this occurs but, spoiler, you’re not; the gentle upturn of your lips the only indication of such. You don’t think you’d ever give the fact away either, fearful of him receding back into his shell to the point where affection is null. Either way, you’re happy with him.

By the morning, he’s gone, already making plans (or executing them).

He seldom shows you his actual face, behind all the makeup. In all honesty, you don’t know the reasoning behind this, and you don’t think you ever will. While he’s blunt, he’s just as secretive; there’s always something going on in the back of his mind. 

Perhaps it’s insecurity, discomfort, or, more simply, the ‘persona’ of ‘Joker’ is just what resonates with him. The man underneath is someone he no longer identifies with. The man he’s become – who he’s worked so hard to manifest – is his true self. 

NSFW

Okay but he’s a very sexual guy, not even gonna lie.

ALSO HAS NO EMBARRASSMENT. When it comes to sex, this man’s just as open about it as Arthur. 

Hair pulling kink → this goes without saying. Unlike Arthur, this kink is one-sided, and he most definitely is the one doing the pulling. Those large hands will lose themselves within your strands and if you’re giving him head, he’s most likely going to guide you by said strands. 

Glove kink → he’ll set you on his lap, your back against his chest as his hands hold your wriggling thighs. With your breath hitching in anticipation, one of his gloved hands will slip down your inner thigh, rubbing slow circles against your clit. He tries his best to be patient but lets be honest, he has a really short fuse when it comes to sex; he’ll be dipping one – two – and if he’s feeling particularly torturous – three fingers inside of you before you know it, curling his fingers.

Praise kink → not particularly what you’d expect. He’s also very big into humiliation and mockery, so this kind of ties in with the two. For example, if you do something he’s pleased with, he’ll throw around teasing/sarcastic nicknames like there’s no tomorrow:

“Bunny.”

“Buttercup.” 

“Button.”

“Doll.”  

“Good girl.”

“Princess.” 

“Pumpkin.” 

“Sweetheart.”

Loves your brattiness, literally lives for it. He’s always been drawn to a bit of fire – it keeps things interesting. 

Has a thing for emotions – for your expressions, both micro and macro. The main three: fear, pain, pleasure. 

He’s very erratic. So, when he is praising you, he may tug at your hair the next, choke you or, if he deems necessary, spank you. 

Your squeaks of pain get him off – the motherfucker’s sadistic.

Goes through topdrop, and you’d most certain go through subdrop. He’s so used to control and regaining it when lost, in both an everyday context and a sexual one. So, once those feelings develop into something more (which you’ll have trouble differentiating, or sometimes picking up on at all), he’ll become more reserved, no longer displaying his usual vigour until this issue is sorted. (More details in a future drabble/fic). 

[bluebirdwrites]

james potter x reader where james and reader were close friends but he eventually focused all his attention on lily so they drifted? and maybe the reader got seriously hurt or something and he realizes just how much he loves the reader? angst with happy ending if that’s okay!

as easy as breathing; jp

warnings; swearing and violence, you have been warnED!

author’s note; i hope you like what i’ve written from your request anon, because i really enjoyed writing this hehe! by the way, requests are open! and I am multi fandom too, so check out my blog maybe (; have a nice day!

summary; in which, being friends with james potter is as easy as breathing. but then he ignores everyone and everything in favour of a girl who doesn’t return his affections. and he’s not there when it matters most.

Only eleven and you’re happy. Hogwarts, a happy place. A place of many choices and a place of mystery. Standing on the platform is daunting- you won’t see your parents for months. This will be the longest you will go without your mother’s caring words and your fathers affinity for mischief.

Committing the smell of your mother’s perfume and taking your fathers sweatshirt, you begin to push your luggage toward the train. You briefly thank whoever loads your trunk before letting a large black and white tom cat slither into your arms.

Absentmindedly scratching behind the cats ears, you tentatively begin to check for an empty carriage. Fining one almost instantly, the door is closed behind you with a muffled click. Sighing, you sink into the seats of the carriage cuddling your fathers sweatshirt to your chest and breathe deeply.

Time to be a big kid now. Just like mummy said.

The final whistle for the train blows as you rise towards the window from your seat letting the cat walk in figure eights around your legs. Finding your parents, you wave hanging half out the window until you can no longer see them in the crowd of magical parents also farewelling their children.

Going to your seat again, you run your fingers through your cats fur. The cat— Splodge — lets its hair stand on end as it jumps up and onto your lap. Hissing at a certain part of the room, the cat flicks it’s tail whilst looking at the door.

Not even half a minute later comes a knocking on he door. It is neither timid nor aggressive, only justly confident.

“Come in,” your voice travels through the still currently closed door, voice friendly. Once the door is open, a boy with unruly ink coloured hair prances through the now open door.

Taking a moment to study him, he looks young. All freckles, askew black frames and molten molasses eyes that make his happy smile seem only all the brighter.

Probably a first year. Possibly a new friend?

“James Potter, how do you do? Can I sit in here? You look like a nice person,” he is endearing, especially when he tilts his head as if he is second guessing himself.

“Sure thing Potter, you can call me Anderson until we’re on a nickname basis,” he only laughs. Sweet and childishly gleeful. Already, his presence is as easy as breathing.

And that is that.

Now in fourth year, you can say that it’s been fun— apart from James ignoring you, and everyone else frankly. Choosing to to follow his willy in the direction of Lily Evans. But whatever— Having been friends with Sirius and Remus and Peter as well was everything that you could have hoped for. When the hat had declared ‘Gryffindor’ after a minutes deliberation you had been confused- at first. You now understand as you face down the angry Sytherins you understand your own stubbornness and unwillingness to back down after what they had called you.

Being muggleborn could be challenging with all of the blood purist fanatics running around. At least you weren’t the product of multiple different variations of incest throughout generations only to be born a purblood with an uncle dad.

But still. Being called a mudblood of all things hurt. It ached and stung and left the bitter taste of bile— that kept getting stronger— on the tip of your tongue the longer your were angry.

“Poor Ickle Mudblood. All alone,” the group of snakes slither closer, closing you in on all sides watching as you plant your feet and grit your teeth.

Good Godric, this is pathetic.

They close in around you from all sides muttering spells that send you flying. It hadn’t even been 10 minutes and fighting back was very hard being out numbered and all.

Where were the prefects. Where were the marauders? Where was James?

They wouldn’t come. Not whilst you were in this abandoned corridor. Not whilst it was a Hogsmeade weekend. Not whilst James Potter was obsessing over Lily Evans. Sure- she was lovely. And beautiful and intelligent and just better than you.

The spells kept becoming more painful as the chanting of manky mudblood rebounded off of the walls and into your ears.

You tried to be strong. You tried to fight back and be brave. You tried to stop the tears stinging your eyes and fight back the scream clawing at the back of your throat; but it felt good to release it. To let them make you black, blue and purple all over.

When they’d finally stopped- when you thought that they’d finally stopped, you just couldn’t help it. The words tumbled out and you couldn’t take them back.

“That the best you got you bloody pureblooded pricks?” They all prickle and one of the snakes step forward— Lestrange it looks like— and kick your side.

Something just broke

���Well then,” he breathes pointing his wand at you, skin pulled tight over his skull into a sickeningly mocking grin. “Why don’t I show you exactly what I am capable of then?”

His grin, startlingly white against the shallow grey of his skin, turns into a snarl as he almost seems to seethe the next word. It is so hateful it burns your nerve endings and forces your toes to curl.

“Crucio.” And then everything is red. The curse, the pain and their laughter. It is fired thrice more and held for ten minutes or more before you hear shouting. And then it stops and you feel bodies beside you and more voices shouting counter spells and knock back jinxes.

“Anderson,” It’s Sirius speaking time you now, worried sounding Sirius. “We’re here now. Peter’s gone off t’get Minnie. And then they’ll really get it. S’okay now yeah?”

You can only nod and open your eyes staring into the stormy grey of your friend above. Gently gripping his hand you look and see Remus in front of you acting as a a shield between them and you.

You lick some of the blood off of your lips, “Where’s James, Sirius?” His nostrils flare angrily as if he was angry, and his eyes visibly darkened and he pulled you closer to him.

“Not here apparently,” you can see him getting angrier, and you know what usually comes next. ”Probably with Evans.”

You can feel yourself realising something then, that you’ll never ever measure up to Lily Evans. Squeezing his hand you can only give him a look as if to say later.

Later comes in the form of the infirmary. Of sitting there over the next day and hearing of five Slytherins being expelled and one being sent off to Azkaban after using an unforgivable curse.

Peter, Sirius and Moony all stay with you. Comforting you whilst you cry and holding your hand when you have spasms and phantom pains from the lingering crucio curse.

James doesn’t come until he hears about a Gryffindor being attacked by a group of Slytherins. He doesn’t put two and two together until he walks in the hospital room and seeing his friends in and around a hospital bed.

You are the first to see him and your face contorts into something angry. Peter is the next to notice, and he shields you with a rigid posture before facing James head on with the nastiest glare he’s ever seen.

Moony is next. He is less angry but more disappointed. He barely looks at James before he clenches his fist and holds your hand, seeming to give it a squeeze.

James is blessed with foot and mouth disease and even now he can’t seem to help himself, “Alright Anderson? You look pretty manky over there.”

Your eyes glaze over and you flinch. You curl in on yourself and three lions fold in around you blocking James from your sight and making sure that you’re okay. James doesn’t notice.

Sirius’ reaction is the most explosive. The chair he sat in is now hard against the wall, being forced back on the tile at how quickly he had stood up. His eyes are like a thunderstorm as he walks towards James with purpose. Rarely do they argue but when they do it’s a shit storm to fix.

“Tell me James,” he strides closer so he is directly in James’ personal space, nose to nose and straightening to his full height. “Where the bloody hell have you been whilst our friend needed you? And don’t you dare say what I think you are.”

James clears his throat only beginning to recognise how much shit he’s in, but not really putting a speed bump between his mouth and his brain.

“I was with Evans. I reckon I’m close to breaking though to her mate!” He laughs, only succeeding at making Sirius go red in the cheeks and Moony and Peter shuffling closer to you. “Why? Where were you?”

This time something rare happens and then something rarer. First, Remus let’s loose what sounds like a growl as his expression turns bitter and angry. He looks every bit ready to wage a warpath, but he grips your hand tight knowing that you need him there with you. And then Peter’s on his feet, hands shaking and on a warpath towards James.

Sirius looks like he’s about to do something by how taught the muscles in his shoulders are. But it’s Peter that acts. It’s quietly mischievous Peter Pettigrew that marches towards James Potter and gives him a shiner. Not Sirius Black. Not Remus Lupin. Not even you, It’s Peter Pettigrew to lose himself in his anger and have Sirius grip his shoulder shocked and proud.

“You know what James! You know exactly bloody what we were doing and you think you have the right to ignore us all- for weeks! And then prance in here and ask? Fuck it, you should know why!” All of you are shocked as he appears to calm down and walk to your side with an awkward little smile.

You’re angry. Deservedly so you think, but you also know that whilst that anger feels right now, in the land of tomorrow or next week it will not.

“Can I talk to James alone? If it makes you boys feel better you can wait outside, but I think we both need to talk and then you can all say whatever you want to eachother,” you look them all in the eye making sure that they all take you seriously. “Please.”

Now alone with James you let him walk over until he stops in front of the chair Moony’d occupied not even thirty seconds earlier, tentatively sitting to face you head on. His cheek had already began to swell from Peter’s earlier hit.

“So,” you move your jaw side to side until it clicks with a popping sound. “Whilst i was writhing on the floor because of the Cruciatus Curse, you were chasing Evans around? And cancelling plans constantly to chase after Lily Evans? Don’t I just feel Important Jamsie.”

His face looks constipated as he mulls over your words and your expression. He wants to make it up to you, make things right. He wants to make things better than before, he wants to make himself forget Lily Evans and drown himself in you.

His hand finds yours, tender and strong. “Look, I- I know I’ve been shit these past few months. Chasing after a girl I know that probably won’t ever come round, and I’ve got no excuse. Is there absolutely any way I can make it up to you?”

He’s looking at you, all warm and gooey. He flows over you like the eye of a hurricane, the calm in the middle of a disaster. In an instant he’s pulling you to him and gravitating around you. In an instant his face is the softest you’ve ever seen it, despite the blooming blotch of purple on one side of his face.

It’s a spur of the moment thing for both of you, you say it on accident really. You weren’t thinking outside of now and he wasn’t thinking at all. “Kiss me,” swallowing your nerves isn’t hard this time, after all it is a spur of the moment thing. “Kiss me here because there’s always been more to us then just friends Potter, and I think you know just as well as I do how badly I want you to kiss me.”

And he’s kissing you, fingers in your hair and thumbs on the apples of your cheeks as he crashes over you like an ocean. Your hands are at his bale and his cheek running delicate hands over his skin.

I love you, I love you, I love you. You can’t say that out loud but it is a mantra in your head as he breaths life to you through a kiss. Your foreheads rest together, and you sit with him. Being with him, friend or more is still as easy as breathing. And you hope that you can one day he can know how much you love him, and how you need him more than oxygen.

[babyshawwn]

If The World Was Ending

Masterlist

Word count: 3.8k. 

Based on If The World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels. 

It just ended when his name appears on the screen of your vibrating phone. At first, you think you might have hit your head during and are imagining things that aren’t happening. But as the vibrations continues, you finally figure you aren’t going insane. 

You haven’t spoken to Shawn in nearly a year but you never did get yourself to delete his number from your phonebook. Somehow, erasing the last memories you have of him is too much for your heart to handle. Keeping his contact in your phone is your way, at least to some extent, still have pieces of him in your life. 

You still haven’t quite figured out, how to think about him without it ripping your heart out. It’s a slow-moving progress but you are doing your best to move on from things that went down back in the days.  

Your mind knows it’s a stupid idea to pick up the phone, but your heart is too curious as to what he has to say at this hour. You know there’s a fair chance you’re going to regret your action, but you won’t have to deal with the regret until tomorrow and due to tonight’s events, who the hell cares. 

You hold your breath while your finger presses the green button on the screen to answer his unexpected call. 

“Hey.” 

Your heart drops when you hear his familiar voice at the other end of the phone. Nothing’s changed. He sounds exactly the same as the night he walked out your front door and never came back. 

Your stomach flips, but whether it’s a good or a bad reaction, you aren’t aware of. But this strange feeling begins to stir in your veins. 

“Hey.” You mutter, leaning your back against the wall to hold your balance. 

While you wait for an answer, your eyes wander around you. Your apartment is a mess, the mirror in your halfway is shattered, broken glass covering the floor and your entire bookshelf is scattered on your living room carpet. 

Your hands are shaking and you’re feeling slightly nauseous, there’s a lump in your throat making it harder for you to breathe. You keep supporting yourself against the wall, unsure whether or not your legs might not be able to carry you much longer. 

“Did you feel it too?” Shawn asks, his worried words blurring from his mouth. 

He sounds a bit hoarse and you can’t help but think that maybe he has a sore throat. It’s the season for that and Shawn always catches something. He’s unlucky like that. 

“The earthquake? Yeah, I sure felt it.” You reply with a stutter. 

You’re lightheaded and slightly frighten, somehow staying on your feet is getting harder as the seconds pass and your body becomes less numb from the shock.  

You hear Shawn breathe calmly through the phone and you shut your eyes to allow yourself to fully remember how he sounds. It makes your heart pound less, hearing him talk, it calms you down. But then again, he always did have that effect on you. 

“Are you scared?” 

“Kinda, but it’s fine.” You lie but you’re aware Shawn can tell otherwise. 

There’s a moment of silence between you, it’s not uncomfortable but it’s slightly painful. There are unspoken things forcing a tension between you. The last time you had a talk, you both said things that crossed the line. 

“Why did you call, Shawn?” You ask him, feeling knots forming in your stomach. 

You don’t want to think about the day he left, but your mind wanders there on its own as your eyes flicker to the white couch. There’s still a small stain from the spilled wine. Sometimes, late at night when you’re having trouble sleeping, the arguments haunt your mind.  

“I just remembered how terrified you are of earthquakes.” He finally says with a softer tone. 

His warming words makes your cheeks burn and you feel vaguely embarrassed, even knowing Shawn can’t see your face. 

“Are you safe?” 

“Yeah, I’m okay. I have a small cut on my hand but otherwise.” You assure him, your eyes looking down at the blood dripping from your palm. You hardly feel it, but you’ve never been good with injuries. 

“You aren’t looking at it, right?” He jokes with a small laughter. It’s not sincere but it warms your heart anyways. “You’ll be on the floor within seconds.” You giggle unwillingly at his mocking. 

“How about you? Are you okay?” As the words roll from your tongue, you feel the worry nagging in your stomach. If anything were to happen to Shawn, you aren’t sure you’d ever get over it. 

“I’m okay too.” Shawn promises, knowing your tendency to overthinking. “No need to worry.” 

You know it’s dumb but his voice makes you feel at home and you haven’t felt like that for months. But deep down, your heart is aching because Shawn doesn’t sound bothered by talking to you at all. He seems just fine, in control of his emotions and here you are, all over the place and not just because of the earthquake. 

“Where are you?” Shawn asks you and you wonder how much he’s been thinking about that during your time apart. 

You hate to admit it, but you tend to think about whether he’s out drinking with friends or home alone chilling and watching television on a Friday night. You don’t mean to, you know it’s over, but somehow your mind travels to those thoughts when you aren’t paying attention. 

“I’m home. I’d just gotten home when it happened.” You manage to whisper back. 

“That’s good. Being on the streets would have been dangerous.” 

“And you?” 

“Home too. Been staying in all day. I know it sounds weird, but I had that strange feeling. You know?” 

“That’s your thing.” You reply and it’s true. 

Shawn always have a hunch when something bad is about to happen, it’s like he feels it in his bones without really being able to explain it. 

“I was actually about to call you when it started.” He admits and you lose your breath. “Tell you to stay in, but I was too late.” 

You don’t know how to react to the fact that Shawn is thinking of you. It makes butterflies appear in your stomach, but it also makes you feel somewhat sad. You chew on your bottom lip while your heart flicker. 

“Is the power out?” 

“No, it’s still here.” 

“Good, mine is. Everything went dark. I guess the bad weather isn’t helping.”  

“And I bet you have no candles.” You say and hear Shawn laugh within seconds. This time, it’s real. 

“You’re correct. You were always the one constantly buying those.” 

“Because you didn’t see the point in having candles.” You fire back while you hear another sweet laughter at the other end of the phone. 

“Guess I’m no good at surviving on my own.” 

“Clearly not.” You agree with him. 

You feel tears form in your eyes without fully knowing why. Maybe because you’re still scared, maybe because you miss him or maybe because you didn’t think you’d hear his voice again. Whatever the reason, it’s messing with your mind. 

You struggle to breath as you feel the panic in your body, the anxiety rushing through your veins. It makes you close your eyes to focus on your breathing. You clench your teeth, swallowing a sickening lump in your throat. 

“You sound tense.” Shawn points out and you can’t help but laugh. 

“Yeah, my entire body is shaking.” You confess, still feeling the coldness down your spine. Your breaths are strained but at least some air is getting into your sore lungs. 

You aren’t from around here and you highly doubt you will ever get used to the earthquakes. You’ve only ever experienced two others, both of them with Shawn there to guide you through and keep you somewhat calm.  

It sounds dumb, but the first time - you in all honestly - thought the world was ending. Shawn joked about it for years but he also did promise you, that if the world was actually ending one day, he’d come over and hold you tight while the skies would be falling outside. 

“Are you sitting down?” 

“I’m leaning against the wall, haven’t gotten further than that.” You joke with him, but when he tells you to slide down to the floor, you do as he says. You cross your legs while the back of your head rests against the wall. 

“How much of your stuff is broken?” He asks again, but you don’t even have the energy to think about that. Cleaning up this mess is going to take forever and it’s the last thing on your mind. 

“I know what you’re doing, you know?” 

“What am I doing?” Shawn replies and you’re certain he’s rolling his eyes. Thinking about it makes a small smile spread on your lips. 

“You’re distracting me with questions to calm me down.” 

“Is it working?” 

“Slightly but not fully.” You admit, your heart still racing. 

With your free hand in your lap, you force deep breaths into your lungs to feel less dizzy. There’s a silence between you but it’s nice to hear Shawn breathe. It’s calming and it’s familiar, making you feel safe. 

To be honest, you have forgotten what Shawn sounds like. It’s nice to be reminded of the softness in his tone, to remember how his tongue caresses his words in such a particular way, how his laugh warms your heart in ways you never imagined. 

“You remember that first night we went drinking?” He asks you suddenly. 

Though his question comes completely out of the blue, you know exactly what he’s talking about. You are also aware he’s still trying to prevent you from thinking too much, but you go along because you do need the distraction. 

“The first week I met you? I remember.” 

“Tequila night.” He interrupts and you share a laugh when the both of you reminisces stumbling from bar to bar while sharing a bottle of really bad tequila.  

You remember being extremely nervous and pouring down the alcohol to calm yourself. You sort of remember dancing on tables and singing along to John Mayer, those stolen looks and warm smiles. 

“Or at least I think I remember.” You correct yourself, because looking back there’s a couple of blank spots as well. 

“You were such a bad influence on me.” Shawn says innocently and you roll your eyes at his comment. 

“As far as I remember, you brought the liquor.” 

“You wanted to make it a competition.” Shawn defend himself quickly, denying all responsibility of the state you were both in by the end of the night. 

“Excuse me.” You interrupt him. “You went along with it all on your own.” 

“Well, you went home with me that night to continue to the party.” He points out with a small laughter. “Apparently, someone wasn’t done drinking by 5 AM.” 

“Oh god,” You mutter as flashes of the cold October night hits you. “We stumbled through your house and made a complete mess.” You recall, while a blurry memory of knocking a plant on the floor appears. 

“And we didn’t even make it past the kitchen.” Shawn blurs with no control over his words. 

You know he didn’t mean to say that aloud, knowing those hazy memories forces your heart to drop to your stomach. You can tell he regrets it because you’re met with dead silence for a couple of seconds while he mends the ache appearing in his chest. 

You remember drunkenly stumbling into the kitchen, falling over your own feet while Shawn desperately tries to remove the white t-shirt from your body. Sloppy kisses and hands exploring each other while falling to the tiles on the kitchen floor, remember sharing laughs while taking each other’s clothes off.  

You press your lips together to prevent a sob from escaping as a couple of tears silently run down your cheeks. 

You don’t want to remember because it hurts too much, but you want to remember because your heart can still recall the happiness you felt at that moment. 

No matter how much time seems to pass, you still have a weak spot for Shawn and it never fully goes away. It’s always in the back of your mind, haunting you in your weakest moments. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, his voice is trembling. “I shouldn’t have brought that up.” 

You can hear he’s in tears and it makes you feel sick. He sniffs to fight them but you’re certain it doesn’t help.

“It’s okay.” You tell him, your heart boiling in your chest. “We weren’t meant for each other, it’s fine. That’s how it is.”

You’re lying, though. You are down for forever as long as it’s with Shawn, but shit happens and people split for no good reason. You can’t go back now, but you still want to. 

“Sometimes… I wish we were.” Shawn mutters, forcing a breath into his lungs. “Meant for each other, I mean.” 

His words sting in your chest and you don’t know how to react. You don’t know whether or not he’s being real, maybe he just feels lonely tonight or he’s freaked about the earthquake. You have both done this before. 

You get drunk and call about a hundred times, saying things you don’t even remember in the morning. Sometimes, you toy with each other. You don’t know why or how you even end up doing it, it’s just too hard to fully let the communication die out. 

You’re both too young and too dumb to really know how to deal with your situation. You want each other, but you constantly mess things up between you.  

“I don’t know what to say.” You tell him and you hear a sigh through the phone. 

“You shouldn’t say anything. I shouldn’t have said anything.” He hurries to interrupt. You can tell he panics and that his mood changes. 

“Shawn…” You immediately regret not going along with his thoughts, but it’s too late and he’s already moved on in the conversation. 

“How are you feeling now?” Shawn says, not giving you a chance to speak. “Is it better? Have you calmed down a bit?”  

“Yes, it’s better.” 

“And you’re sure you’re okay? What about the cut?” 

“I’m okay, Shawn.” You say, your eyes gazing down to your hand. “It’s stopped bleeding, I’ll survive it.” 

“That’s good.” Shawn says as a few silent seconds pass by. He distant and colder now. “Just clean it before putting a band-aid on to make sure it doesn’t get infected.” 

“Sure, I’ll do that.” You promise, looking down at the cut on your hand. “Though it’s really not that bad. I’m just being my dramatic self.”

You don’t get even a small laughter from Shawn. All you he gives you is a tiny sigh and you know he’s shut himself down to avoid feeling anymore. 

“Well, as my mum always says, it’s better to be safe than sorry.” 

“Karen’s a clever woman.” You agree with him because you don’t know what else to say.

You don’t want the conversation to end, but you don’t have much more to say. It’s either too little or too much and it forces a silence between you. Your heart is begging you to say something but your mind knows better by now and you stay silent. 

“I guess all I wanted was to make sure you were good.” Shawn breaks the silence.  

“I appreciate that. Thank you, Shawn.” 

“No worries. I guess I’ll hang up then. Take care.” Is all he says, his words are flat and detached. 

“Take care, Shawn.” You say and the call ends. 

It’s sudden and it messes with your mind, you don’t know how to feel nor how to react to what just happened. 

The white iPhone slips from your hand and you feel your body collapse entirely and sink further together on the cold, messy floor. You can hardly breathe when the tears begin to fall followed by sobs rolling from your mouth. 

Your body is shivering and though you’re not completely of the reason, it feels utterly uncomfortable. You’re not quite sure how much times passes but your body feels too numb for you to move, there’s a pressure on your chest and you find it hard to breathe normally. 

You don’t think you have ever felt as lonely as you do right this moment, sobbing on the floor in your dim apartment. You close your eyes and wrap your arms around your knees bended in front of you, rocking slightly back and forth in attempt to calm yourself down. 

When you hear rough knock on the door, you ignore the sound not wanting to deal with neighbours asking for help cleaning up or helping you look for their cat that disappeared during the earthquake. You don’t feel like being social and though it’s rather selfish, you don’t feel like helping out.

When the hard knocks continue you mutter swearwords under your breath as you force yourself to get on your unsteady feet. 

You’re still lightheaded but you manage to drag your body across the wooden floor and towards the hallway. 

It’s windy and raining loads, you can easily hear while making your way towards the locked front door. You avoid some shattered glass from a vase you bought in Italy, stepping carefully to not fall or get yourself hurt.

You wipe away tears sticking to your face and hurries to push your hair back with your fingers and then, you unlock the door to open it. Your heart drops to your stomach when you catch his familiar stare waiting outside. 

“Shawn…” You hesitate, eyes darting in confusion. “What are you doing here?” 

“I couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone.” He stutters, hands in his pockets while the rain is pouring. 

His wet curls are flat and dipping into his eyes, his hoodie is soaked and he’s shivering cold. Shawn is mad for not wearing more clothes but you think he might have left his house in a hurry without thinking further ahead. Shawn scratches the back of his neck while shaking his head lightly.

“Who am I kidding…” He mumbles, mostly to himself. “I don’t have a reason to why I’m here. I guess here was where I wanted to be.” Shawn’s eyes fall on yours and you feel the air being punch out of your lungs. 

The heat raises in your cheeks while you struggle to breathe properly. His lank body is tense from the cold and his lips are beginning to turn somewhat purple. Even in this state, he’s beyond beautiful to you. 

You feel vibrations rushing down your spine while allowing goose bumps to travel your skin, you’re not supposed to be affected, but your is heart racing. 

“You don’t need a reason.” You finally say. “We don’t ever really need a reason why.” 

You step aside and let him walk into your apartment. You watch silently while Shawn takes his shoes off and forces his wet curls back on their place by pushing his fingers through his locks. Your skin lingers and you can hardly breathe. 

Being in the same room again is weird, it brings back memories. Some you hope never leaves your mind, some you wish you could forget.  

You have been carrying a heartache around for the past year but at this moment, where Shawn is standing next to you, your heart finally feels at ease. 

Shawn reaches for your hands and you immediately feel the coldness from him. It rushes down your spine and leaves you with goose bumps. His dark eyes stare at yours while Shawn holds his breath. 

You wonder if he feels the electricity as well or whether it’s only in your head. Shawn lets your hand go to embrace each side of your cheeks, his thumb brushing your warm lips softly. You feel your heart pound, unable to remove your stare from Shawn’s warm eyes. 

Without a warning, with no time to gasp what’s about to happen, Shawn leans forward to attach his lips to yours. 

They are freezing cold but exactly as soft as you remember. He sucks all air from your lungs when he spreads your lips apart and slides his warm tongue into your welcoming mouth.

You moan in response to his taste and feel the familiar flip your stomach does whenever Shawn kisses you. He breaths into your mouth while you deepen the kiss, eager to remember his sweet taste. 

His fingers slip into your hair and tugs back to expose your mouth fully, forcing another whimper to escape. Your hands move behind his back, feeling his muscles move slightly as you lock your arms around him. His broad chest is rubbing against yours and you can almost feel his heart beating in a steady pace. 

When Shawn breaks the kiss, he’s out of breath. You press your forehead against his, arms still locked around his waist to keep him close. He can’t help but smile as he pushes his forehead closer towards yours, his lips brushing your tender skin. 

Shawn reaches for your hands to intertwine his fingers with yours, giving you a small embrace. Both your eyes are shut to allow yourself to get high on the intimacy growing between you. Shawn leans closer and attaches his lips to your ear, sending vibrations through your entire body. 

“If the world was ending, you’ll always be my first thought.” Your heart skips a beat when the words leave his mouth and you feel a pool in your stomach. 

You tip toe to kiss him a few times, your body craving feeling close to Shawn again. His skin against your skin, his hands in your hands. It’s heavenly. 

When all comes down to it, all your fears are irrelevant and you never really need a reason why to reunite with each other. It’s unspoken but words aren’t needed. You’re magnetic and always find your way back to each other when it’s really needed. 

“Are you going to stay the night?” You ask him, your eyes finding his. 

Shawn puts a tot of your hair behind your ear, his fingertips nipping your earlobe. He nods once before he lowers his face to kiss you. 

It doesn’t take long for him to deepen your kiss, Shawn’s as desperate as you are to feel connected to one another. It doesn’t take much for you to give in and get lost in him all over again. 

And once again, you stumble through the apartment and you don’t make it past the kitchen. The world might not be ending, but you are going to love him for the hell of it anyways.

[corvidry]

Pink Pearl and Amethyst :>

send me a character and i’ll list the following

(I’ll do Pink Pearl in this post and Amethyst in her own post so it doesn’t get too long.)

Pink Pearl / Volleyball

Favorite thing about them

Wow she’s cute. I would die for every Pearl! There’s some potentially complex factors driving her characterization which I’m into.

Least favorite thing about them

The show had no reason to give her more screen time but also if there was a spinoff that was just about pearls I’d watch it in a heartbeat. Not enough her. I want more her.

Favorite line

Her insisting she’s fine as her face cracks more for Big Irony is up there, but I also really loved the initial exchange between her and Pearl about 

Well, I was her pearl o:^)

SO WAS I !!! :^)

I love your energy, it reminds me of when I was younger. o:^)))))))) 

I’m older than you :^)))))))))))))))

Something about this conversation really fits with the headcanons I have about pearls and their own culture being steeped in this enormous sense of subtlety and passivity and tbh I would pay anybody cash-money to ask me frequently and at length about my extensive lore for pearls as a gem subspecies.

BROTP

I’d honestly like to see her become friendly with Bismuth or some of the amethysts. Idk if that’s weird, but I think by nature she is a very playful gem and would benefit from knowing gems who encourage those traits even though pearls are socialized away from behavior like that. I also think she’s friendly with the other pearls. They’re a little bird clique.

OTP

Her and CG Pearl I guess. We ship volleypearl in this house. Seeing both of their character arcs get a nice resolution that handles the topic of Rose with a level of nuance was cathartic for me. But also like, whatever, all the gems may as well be poly in my mind, they can all kiss, it’s fine.

NOTP

I’ll be real with you idk what bad choices the fandom is making with her but if I find one I’ll tell you about it.

Random headcanon

Pink Pearl is an honest to god agent of chaos in her purest form. She is a gem who under ideal circumstances isn’t afraid to say what she means and to start shit. She really loves playing and practical joking and the only reason that isn’t immediately apparent is because she’s spent her life being a pearl first and an individual second.

Unpopular opinion

I have a hard time characterizing her as this delicate flower who has never done anything wrong and whose single identity in life is victim even though i occasionally see her characterization distilled down to that in fanon content. Obviously every pearl is different and everybody is welcome to their interpretation, but I honestly expect it’s fairly common that a lot of pearls bottle up their emotions due to how they've been socialized.  I’ve honestly always imagined Pink Pearl as a gem with a lot of nerve and whose emotional health has been so poorly managed prior to the present day that often difficult feelings come out unexpectedly and in ways that put others off.  I think Pink Pearl has a lot of very ugly emotions that she isn’t proud and I think when those emotions spill out it’s often very sudden and sometimes very messy. She has outburts, to parallel some existing language in the fandom. It doesn’t make her a bad person or an abuser, but sometimes it makes her hard to be around.  The process of healing is like that sometimes.

Song I associate with them

I found a song while stumbling around JP Youtube recently called Soshite Hana Ni Naru and for whatever reason this song has instantly become a Pink Pearl song for me??? I can’t give the clearest translation of what the song is about bc after years of studying Japanese I still basically suck but the impression I get from the parts I do understand is that the singer is struggling over the memories of a past relationship. She is moving past this thing that caused her pain even if she might have some nostalgia for a time when her life and worldview was simpler.

But uhh part of the reason I associate it so much with Pink Pearl is because of the stuff I said above about Pink Pearl really bottling up her emotions and setting aside her needs and having those things come out in ways that are a little less dignified than what you’d expect of a pearl. The vocalist for this song, Kaf has a very delicate high pitch to her voice but I really like how raw some of her songs get. Specifically the ones that sound a little less produced. There’s something that feels very Pink Pearl to me in the way this artists sings when the content is reaching its emotional peak.  In some of the more powerful parts of a track it can sometimes sound like her voice is becoming shrill and might break because of how she’s pushing it. I think there’s something really beautiful about singing that gives the impression of being raw, sincere, or unfiltered and it suits the way I think of Pink Pearl handling her grief and her frustration. It represents a process that has a lot of value but can be deeply painful and doesn’t necessarily look conventionally pretty.

Favorite picture of them

Rebecca sugar has this extremely sweet picture of her on her Instagram that I love

[chilledfoodtin]

Ignis’ Favorite Foods (And What They Say About Him)

1. Fluffy Chiffon Cake

This is my favorite of Ignis’ favorites.  Chiffon cake is one of the bets cakes. I it’s light, airy and not too sweet.  It’s also one of the newest--it has only been around since the 1920s.  An American insurance salesman invented the cake, but he carefully guarded the recipe.  He served the cake at a chain of restaurants in Hollywood (The Brown Derby) where it became popular with celebrities.  It was eventually sold to General Mills and the recipe was released nationwide in 1947.  It was backed by a big marketing campaign that made it a hit (source).

Ignis initially seems like a man who isn’t much for desserts and sweets, so this favorite surprised me, but I immediately found it endearing.  This no nonsense, hard working badass loves chiffon cake.  After a little investigation, I discovered that Japan has its own unique take on chiffon cake that may help explain Ignis’ love for it.  Japanese Chiffon cake is very similar to the traditional American recipe, but it’s often prepared in different pans and sliced like the one yousee in game (check out this guide).  It is also prepared as a cupcake--like these Hokkaido chiffon cupcakes.

It’s easy to imagine Ignis coming across one of those Hokkaido style Chiffon cupcakes at an Insomnia coffee shop.  Maybe he frequently stopped at a coffee place that sold them (we know he’s a coffee addict). It makes me happy to think of Ignis enjoying a piece of this cake with a cup of coffee.  It is an uncomplicated pleasure that he richly deserves.

More faves after the cut!

2. Breaded Cutlet with Tomato

This dish looks a lot like Japanese chicken Katsu.  Chicken katsu is similar to Western schnitzel dishes.  It’s got a tasty, crunchy, panko exterior and is often served with a tart sauce (the Japanese version seems to be served with curry quite often).  The FFXV version includes a Lucian tomato sauce.  I wonder if this dish is a bit of a “comfort food” back in Insomnia.  I can imagine Ignis eating a dish like this a lot when he was growing up. It’s hearty, but somehow light and no doubt one of the few dishes involving vegetables that Noctis would readily eat.

3. Fisherman’s Favorite Paella

Paella is a classic (and delicious) Spanish dish (specifically from Valencia).  The word “paella” is derived from the Spanish word for pan -- a reference to the special kind of pan used for paella.  The foundation of a paella dish is saffron infused rice.  The aromatic saffron makes it delicious and gives it the distinctive yellow hue.  There are many kinds of ingredients you can put into a paella--chorizo, chicken, seafood--it all depends on the variety of paella you want.  

Ignis’ favorite paella is a seafood version.  Seafood paella is definitely one of the more popular forms.  All kinds of seafood can be used, but it’s traditional to include some shellfish (like the mussels you see in the photo of Iggy’s favorite).  Paella is a hearty, aromatic dish that is very popular worldwide.  Ignis’ preferred version, though, speaks of someone with slightly more expensive tastes (though that depends greatly on what part of the world you live in).

This dish is acquired by ordering it at the Mother of Pearl restaurant.  Given Ignis’ penchant for seafood, it’s not surprising one of his favorite dishes comes from one of the best seafood restaurants on Eos.  When you visit Galdin Quay, Ignis will “idle” around the Mother of Pearl, watching Coctura cook.  Occasionally, I’ve seen players suggest Ignis has a “crush” on Coctura, but I think this is a professional sort of interest--one chef admiring another.

4. Horntooth Meatpie

I know Ignis only has a British accent in the EN version of the game, but this meat pie is a very Anglo choice.  You get the recipe for this dish by observing a female hunter eating it outside the Meldacio General Store (I’m always amused by scenes like this--4 guys staring at you while you eat).  The fact that it’s a hunter favorite suggests this is a very hearty dish.  This fave is just more evidence that Ignis isn’t particularly snobbish about food.

5. Tomalley-Filled Dumplings

I thought I knew a lot about food going into FFXV, but I had never eaten “tomalley” before and didn’t have a very good idea of what it was.  Some seafood fans probably already know this, but tomalley is actually the pancreas/liver of a cooked shellfish (oftentimes a lobster).  It has a soft green color and, according to Cook’s Illustrated, is valued for its creamy texture and intense flavor.  It’s typically used in sauces or in compound butter.  I was surprised to discover that some people believe it's not safe to eat.  This is due to the fact that tomalley ingestion can sometimes lead to the contraction of “paralytic shellfish poisoning”, but evidently it’s mainly a risk during red tides.  Ignis likes to live on the wild side!  In the JP version, the dish references “kani miso’ which loosely translates to “crab brain”.  The “kani miso” however refers to the same thing tomalley does (a green paste of innards).  Maybe it feels better say you are eating a crab brain instead of a mish mash of its organs?  In any case, it’s also considered a delicacy in Japan.

I think this dish further confirms that Ignis has a refined palate and a taste for expensive seafood.  Someone who frequently eats lobster could very easily develop a taste for the rarer bits of that celebrated crustacean.  Noctis even jokes that Ignis should be thrilled when they fight giant crabs with bone crushing pincers (but Ignis replies “what they have gained in size they will have lost in flavor”).  Apparently Ignis has a shellfish reputation.

To unlock the Tomalley-Filled Dumplings, you have to read Oric’s Culinary Chronicles, entry 5 (which is sitting on a bench near the bridge in Old Lestallum).  It makes sense a story about a “river crawler” would lead to a recipe involving tomalley.  What else can we infer from this?  I’m not sure we can really connect the entry to Ignis (or Old Lestallum).  That said, there was once a theory Ignis was related to Oric, but that will have to wait for another post.

6. Feast of the Divine

Next to Kenny’s Original Recipe, this is the strangest item on Ignis’ list.  This dish is prepared by Gentiana in the Comrades DLC (before Comrades became a standalone you could only acquire te recipe after she made it).  Noctis’ favorite Comrades dish is prepared by Cid, Prompto's is made by Cindy and Gladio’s is prepared by Cor.  Many speculated that Ignis’ fave would be Aranea’s, but not many guessed it would be Gentiana’s.

Genti’s dish is complex and beautiful to look at.  It features extremely expensive ingredients and gives good buffs.  Does Ignis love this dish simply because it is the most sophisticated?  The best tasting?  The most beautiful?  Any of those could be good answers., but if you break out the tinfoil you can go further.  Does Ignis love Gentiana’s dish because he knows her well?  Is Ignis himself some type of astral?  Or a messenger?  

Very far fetched, but since we have very limited background info on Ignis it’s tempting to invent theories to explain his past.

7. Kenny’s Original Recipe

This one is hard to reconcile.  How could a man of such culinary sophistication love something like this??  I’m not even sure what it actually is. It is clearly a salmon fillet, but it’s not clear what is covering it.  Some believe that it’s pastry, others think that it might be a cheese topping like some sort of cursed tuna melt.  Personally, I think it looks like mozzarella cheese.  I did come across a bizarre thing at Japanese KFCs--deep fried salmon bites.  That might be similar to Kenny’s.

You might think this is just something that Ignis settles for when the bros go to the Crow’s Nest--a sort of adaptation to cope with their many visits to Kenny’s place.  This would seem like a good explanation, but he doesn't just tolerate it--he loves it!  The little sprite Ignis leaps for joy when you select it.  It almost seems hypocritical after Ignis’ snarky remark to Prompto implying Crow’s Nest fare was unhealthy and fattening.

It’s possible the dish holds some special place in Ignis’ heart.  It seems like the Crow’s Nest chain is only outside the walls of Insomnia, but it’s possible a Crow’s Nest or two made it into the city.  Maybe Kenny’s Original Recipe reminds Ignis of some fond moments from his childhood.  Maybe it was a dish someone from his family really loved.  Maybe he saw an ad for it when he was small and always wanted to try it.  Maybe his inner Guy Fieri is coming out.  Maybe Kenny intimidated him into liking the dish.  

Who knows, but the fact that Ignis loves this is just one more of the many mysteries about Ignis.

Taken together, these dishes reveal a man who has sophisticated, yet not elitist tastes.  A man who appreciates fine dining and the comfort of a home cooked meal.  Most importantly, we know that he appreciates a good cake.  I hope you get to have all of your favorites today, Ignis.  🎈Happy birthday!! 🎈