#i feel sick. i feel stuck. i feel like she will always see my gender like a naruto cosplay i refuse to take off. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

remediesremedy · 1 month

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hazbin hotel characters with a partner with mental health problems

GENDER NEUTRAL READER

WARNINGS: depictions of harm to self, drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, burns, crying, self deprecation, sad stuff but there’s lots of comfort and love.

features: lucifer, alastor, vox

comments, reblogs and likes are greatly appreciated <3

LUCIFER

“and then she hugged me! Charlie actually hugged me, oh it felt so nice to see her smile and she was happy to see me. it was so awesome you should’ve been there to see it, and then there was this pesky radio dem-“ Lucifer paused mid sentence, the words that were about to spout from him abruptly stopped. the door he had just opened, inhabited a lump under the covers who hadn’t yet moved.

their shared bedroom had always had happy memories, but it seemed your mind had followed you home this time, and refused to let up on tormenting you behind the closed doors of your’s and lucifer’s residence.

“Love? has something happened?” The fallen angel whispered gently, moving forward to your side of the bed, peeling away the covers from your face to reveal dull eyes.

depression had followed you all throughout your time of being alive, and even with death it had stuck to you like glue, chains bound to you for eternity. As if being in hell wasn’t enough.

“Honey? can you look at me f’me please?” He rasped, a clawed hand cupping the full cheeks of your face, feeling the lack of warmth that rested beneath your skin. Lifeless eyes dragged themselves to gaze upon the king of hell, and they almost phased straight through him. “Oh sweetie.” his heart ached, he had been aware of everything about you when you were living, never bringing up how you died or what you suffered with. and he had no reason to, you hadn’t showed any signs of falling back into depression or struggling mentally, until now.

“I’m here, i’m here for you.” Lucifer mumbled as he scooted forward to place a tender kiss on your forehead, then the bridge of your nose, then both your cheeks. “can i come into bed with you?”

a small nod, devoid of any energy.

Lucifer scrambled under the covers, immediately going to scoop his lover into his arms, his strength made it easy to manhandle you as tenderly as he could into a position where your head laid softly on his broad chest. “y’know.” the devil hummed, opting to stroke his partner’s hair, “out of the billions of years of being alive. i have never, ever met someone like you.”

as if by reflex, you had scoffed, almost turning your head away from him.

a part of him panicked, his hand stilling and dipping down until it cupped your chin. “i’m serious.” he had mumbled, quieter than before, before regaining his confidence. “after i fell, i found it hard to love things around me anymore. a part of me was lost in that garden, i- the point is, i met you and my heart.” he breathed a little laugh.

“oh my dear, my heart, it has never been fuller.” he admitted honestly, his hand moving once again to caress your skin, his fingers touched you like you were porcelain. a doll, precious and fragile, but he’d have you no other way. “you are the most wonderful being i have ever met, nothing could compare to you.”

tears that had been welling up began to shed, to unashamedly trickle down his face. “nothing.”

the hands that were drawn into your body to almost cradle yourself moved swiftly, they snaked around whatever they could get their fingers on and squeezed thrice, a simple indication of ‘i love you.’

things would be alright after all.

-is very caring during episodes, finds himself almost sick with worry the more you get worse or if you don’t get better

-helps you with cleaning yourself, brings you meals if you haven’t eaten for a while, cradles you at night.

-will hide away with you until you’re ready to go out anywhere. will chaperone you everywhere if he can, stick to you like glue, always has to be touching you in some sort of way to let you know he’s there

-tries to stay awake with you when insomnia hits you, reads to you, will even sing.

-if you can’t take care of your hygiene, he takes his time washing your hair, hands massaging your scalp, humming as he drags the faucet over your head to get the shampoo and conditioner out. puts on face masks with you, showers with you, even if he has to haul you up (it’s not much effort to carry you). he lathers you up and caresses every part of you, you are his everything. will just smother you in his deodorant, you smelling like him always eases his little protective brain for some reason.

-celebrates every good day with you, a part of him breaks when good days get fewer and far between. he fears losing you, or that you’ll never get better. but he doesn’t know that being with him grounds you more than he could ever know.

ALASTOR

“hey alastor!” Charlie itched to talk to the demon, something in her eyes gave him the impression that it was urgent. Her pale hands waved at him a little too aggressively for his liking.

something was up.

he did not like that one bit.

“Charlie! what can i do for you?” His smile stretched impossibly larger, an arm sweeping to courteously gesture for the princess of hell to continue talking. he fought the urge to grit and ground his teeth, anxiety was never one of his favourite emotions to experience, for others it was.

“Alastor! Hi! Hi.” Charlie jogged to him, standing in front of the demon with a little nervousness in her step. she cleared her throat before sighing, “look i just, i noticed something off about your partner today. i don’t think they’re doing okay, and i was worried and i thought you should know so that you would have a heads up-“

“thank you Charlie.” Alastor’s words came out borderline grateful, softer than his normally charring static voice. “is that all?”

“yes! i- uh, i hope they’re okay!” She beamed, lingering for a second longer than alastor liked before getting the message to leave. As soon as Charlie’s back was turned, Alastor phased through the floor, becoming one with the shadows, after a moment of plunging into an abyss, he rose back up from the depth into his room. Nothing seemed awry, until he picked up on the sound of the shower running, the water spewed out rhythmically.

and then the radio demon noticed the noise behind the water hitting the shower floor.

crying.

The buck’s whole body froze at the foreign sound, the sobs that wracked through the air caused his smile to instantly drop. Worry clouded his senses and without feeling it, his form expanded, antlers growing larger and sharper and his eyes shone bright as he all but busted through the bathroom door, scouring the place for you. “Dear?” his voice cracked, frenzied state shrinking to his normal size as he found you curled into a ball while water hit your back.

his hands itched to scoop you up and take you to bed, but he didn’t want to make you more upset.

you had looked at him with wobbly lips and swollen eyes, “don’t look at me.” you whimpered, a fresh set of tears crashing down your red face, “i’m disgusting, i’m ugly, i’m fucking putrid to see.” you had humourlessly laughed, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth before another sob was pulled from the depths of your chest.

for a second time, Alastor felt himself froze, conflicted with you insulting yourself. insulting his perfect partner. disgusting? absolutely not. ugly? what a lie. putrid? how far from the truth could you be?

his claws reached to envelop your body, he almost hissed at the temperature of the water, boiling hot, enough to burn. you had been sitting there, getting sprayed by alarmingly warm water. “come now.” he started, an unusually soft tone coming from him, “you’ll get hurt if you stay under that water my love.”

“that’s the point.” you mumbled, “maybe if i’m damaged enough on the outside you’ll see how ugly i am on the inside too.”

“nonsense.” Alastor cut through your speech with an edge of anger, without another word, the demon’s hands wrapped around you, dragging your sore body from the wrath of the water. “we are going to bed, yes? and you will tell me why you think this so horribly about yourself my dear.”

“what? why aren’t you yelling at me? why aren’t you telling me i’m right?” your voice began to raise, and your face, already branded with a waterfall of tears, housed some more, fat globs of tears raced down your cheeks. “why won’t you hate me like i hate me?”

“i could never see anything apart from perfection in you my darling.” the deer murmured honestly, shimmying a towel up and down your body as quickly as possible, he wanted to cradle you as soon as he could. “you are more than i deserve. i would do anything for you.” he finished drying your body, swiftly changing you into dry and warm clothes. “and doing anything for you, entails loving you when you can’t find it in yourself to do the same. my love for you will never simmer, or dull, or lose its intensity. it will never falter, not even for a second.” something cold was applied to the raw and sore skin that was affected by the water, a paste for healing supposedly.

“the moment i laid eyes on you, i promised to protect you.” the radio demon whispered, finally able to hold you properly. he pulled the covers up before sliding both of you in, absentmindedly he undid his suit buttons, letting the fluff of his chest puff out from under his dress shirt. he laid your head on his fur, content to have you smothered by him. “so let me protect you, let me help you fight these cruel thoughts.”

“i’m sorry Alastor, i’ll try be better.” you had mumbled guiltily, nudging into his fur defeatedly.

“no no darling, no apologies, no being ‘better’. be as you are, and let me fight these thoughts with you.” his head dipped down, a smile coating his features as he softly nipped at your neck.

an airy, wet laugh left you, “okay Alastor, okay okay! no apologies.” you had agreed, hands tightening around him in thanks.

but you didn’t need to thank him.

Alastor would do anything for you.

literally.

-unused to caring for someone, unused to love and relationships as a whole. had never had any interest until he had seen you, it had opened a casket full of emotions he wasn’t prepared for.

-when it comes to your hygiene and taking care of you when you can’t, he’s very methodical, brushing your teeth for exactly two minutes, washing your body and hair stiffly. overtime he does try and show his affection through touch more, enjoys cradling you, kisses anywhere he can get his mouth on, mostly chaste kisses, not fully comfortable with long kisses of any sort.

-enjoys massaging your scalp with his claws, how you’ll finally be able to sleep while he caters to you by caressing and stroking your skin or hair. if you wander outside of your shared room, he tries to be around as much as possible, always a hand on the small of your back or a watchful eye on you.

-gets his shadow forms to take care of you and check on you when he’s in the studio or busy. cooks for you everyday, will spoon feed you, even in bed (he’ll change the sheets the day after).

-sneakily gets you to do affirmations with him, makes you stand in front of a mirror with him and says what a great couple you guys look like. tells you that he loves you in front of the mirror while holding or stroking a different part of you each time. will begrudgingly do skin care and make you do it with him, after a while you begin to enjoy it and start just doing each other’s skin care in the mirror.

-sees you nothing short as perfect, even when you can’t get up or cry for hours or don’t want to eat, even when you give up and refuse to try anymore. he finds a way to motivate you and want to try again.

VOX

(disclaimer: getting tired around this point so writing from here on in may deteriorate or lessen in quality)

meetings had been long lately, plans for vox security were kickstarting. he was so busy and it was exhausting, news commercial here, press conference there, meeting here, new tv show there. Vox was tired and he missed you.

between all his schedule and stalking the radio demon unhealthily, it seemed he had almost forgotten about you, even though you flooded his mind at every instance.

he just hadn’t done a very good job at showing how much he had missed you these past few weeks. it left you in a state of loneliness you weren’t quite used to, eyes always trailing to the cameras around the building and in your room, but familiar light of Vox watching the cameras wasn’t there. he hadn’t been checking on in, maybe he didn’t even want to look at you.

self worth was at an all time low, and your anxiety had sky rocketed out of its temporary dormancy, coming back in tenfold. insecurities were on display more than ever, and Vox was nowhere to be seen, falling asleep at his desk or at Val’s and or Velvette’s place.

it was hard not to feel so utterly unwanted.

so you did what every other sinner would do, drink, go crazy on the town and snort some things you shouldn’t have. and at the end of the night, feverish and cold, shaky and nauseous, as you looked into a camera that belonged to vox security, the light didn’t flash on.

he wasn’t there. would he ever be again?

all the substances in your system caught up to you, your stomach began to bubble with pain and you no longer had it within you to keep up the charade that you were fine. you willed yourself to cry, to do something other than rot on the floor of an alleyway street, but no tears came.

instead blood trickled from out of your nose, a telltale sign that you had outdone yourself with whatever atrocities of chemicals you had put in your body. you threw your head back, an expression between a grimace and a smile graced your face, maybe if you fucked yourself up enough Vox would finally come back to you.

needles lay on the ground, no longer sterile but it did not matter. with already shaky hands you grasped one of them, putting it at an angle to inject, you brought it down and the moment it pierced your skin, a familiar hand pulled it straight out of you with a frenzied cry.

“what the fuck were you doing?!” Vox huffed, anger and concern battling to show through his words. worry etched into his features, but you didn’t manage to spot that, only the anger.

“i-i.” no words could come out, the blood from your nose congealed and dripped down onto your shirt, and the injection site pooled with crimson blood too. how could you explain to your partner that you had planned to completely self destruct in hopes he would care for you again?

“are you a fucking idiot? oh my fucking god you’re bleeding.” his palms glided across the blood on your nose and thigh, wiping it away on his skin, his lower lip trembled as he swore at you thoughtlessly. “do you have any idea how dangerous this is?” he bit back the yell, a sigh falling from his lips as he watched your expression morph from embarrassed to complete self hatred.

“i’m sorry, im so sorry.” you whispered, wanting nothing more than to be out of the way, “im sorry that im not good enough, ill be better, i promise, don’t leave me, don’t leave me-“

Vox’s heart, what was left of it, had shattered entirely at your words. regret punched him in the stomach, weeks of little attention and this is what he says in your darkest hour? “shh, shh, of course not, no, no, i would NEVER, never leave you.” his thumbs alternated between rubbing away your forming tears and beading blood.

“c’mere baby.” his voice cracked, he offered you his embrace silently. the look you gave him was utterly heartbreaking, doubtful that he would still love you, god, as if he could ever stop loving you. wordlessly you sank into him, trying to greedily cozy up into him as much as you could, to remember every inch of him. “please, forgive me.”

the words wouldn’t formulate, too drugged up and drunk to even respond, you slumped in his arms, barely able to blink. Suddenly fingers were pinching your cheeks, “hey, hey, don’t fall asleep, i need to make sure you’ll be alright.” he spoke softly, a complete contrast to before. “i’m so sorry, i should be the one saying sorry baby. i’m so stupid, mistreating my whole world.”

the more worked up and upset he got, the more static seeped into his voice. “i’m so sorry. so sorry babe. i haven’t been around and that’s unfair on you, ill book a few days off work okay? just me and you, and i promise ill make it up to you.” his head bowed down, nuzzling against you affectionately, “just stay awake f’me, we’ll get what’s out of your system, and ill make it all up to you, i promise.”

hearing his voice, feeling his touch was pure euphoria for you, a safe haven you had missed beyond anything. “anything for you Vox.”

-is a complete sweetheart, just struggles at first if you’ve done something harmful or destructive to yourself. anything he says in the moment is not thought about and is him panicking.

-makes it up to you every time, bubble baths, washing you and taking care of you like you’re his god. keeps a first aid kit on standby, one is in your room, other first aid kits in other areas of the building too. makes sure from then on in to reassure you, to let you know of his schedule, to bring you with him as much as he can. sometimes comes back from a meeting and just naps with you until he has another thing to do.

-cannot keep his hands off you, super touchy in public now, in meetings you’re new seat is his lap. will try to lessen his schedule more, will spend a lot of his time sleeping with you when you sleep a lot, you two fall asleep spooning or just completely intertwined.

-makes meals for you when he can, hires a personal chef to keep you fed when he’s working. makes a habit of checking his cameras in your shared room a lot more, doesn’t spend as much time infatuated with stalking the radio demon anymore, he’s better at figuring out his priorities now.

-kisses your knuckles when he comes back from work, and then kisses you properly, an intimate lip locking that won’t end until you get the point that he very much wants you. tries to work more remotely, practices affirmations with you and tries to work on his reactions to stressful scenarios so he doesn’t make you feel worse.

-work is important, power is important, but you are above them both, cherishes like you are the only thing to ever exist when you’re both together.

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evilwickedme · 9 months

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When I was in twelvth grade my school brought in a trans man to talk about his experience and I wanted him to know so bad that I had changed my name and that I accepted him and I was weirdly jealous in a way I did not understand bc I was perfectly happy being a teenage girl, right? In eleventh grade I decided I wouldn't shave my legs for a year because I was sick of beauty standards and then my dad time me I was hairier than him so obviously there was something wrong and when I got diagnosed with pcos my parents dragged me to laser hair removal, and then reminded me I needed to keep going every few months. I kept going, even though I hated it. I miss my leg hair. When I was 15 I changed my name. When I was 18 I shaved my all the hair on my head off even though I'd always loved my curls because they were too damaged to deal with anymore, and when a haredi man approached me to ask me if I wanted to put on tefillin, mistaking me for a boy, I spent the rest of the week strangely giddy and entirely unable to take it out of my mind, even though he'd immediately taken it back. I used to say before I came out as bi that I was an ally and didn't want to speak over queer voices, and I said the same thing about trans people, but I kept feeling like I had some much to say, like this mattered in ways I couldn't put into words. I've wanted a hysterectomy for years, and was devastated to learn it's incredibly unlikely that a doctor would agree to perform the procedure, since I was a young woman.

I thought, again and again, about that man. He thought he was a lesbian for the longest time. He used to avoid gendering himself, even in an incredibly gendered language, had gotten so used to it it came naturally. His partner considered herself a lesbian, except for him. I didn't know how to feel about that. What does it mean to keep your identity static when the people you love change around you. Is it easy to accept?

I changed my pronouns to she/they, then they/them, then in Hebrew I said please pick either she/her or he/him but stick to one or the other, then I said stick with he/him in Hebrew, then I switched to they/he. I said I was a demigirl, then I said I was nonbinary but didn't feel comfortable being called trans, then I started applying the trans umbrella to myself, then I said was transmasc. Around me so many of my friends were transitioning, mtf, ftm, exploring using gender neutral pronouns before settling back on their agab, exploring gender neutral pronouns and stopping there. A friend of mine told me that they were jealous of me because I was so sure of my identity as a person in their early twenties, while they were thirty and only just discovering themself. Did I know my identity? I wasn't sure. Another friend told me, they're currently nonbinary but they could see a future where they detransition. I cannot understand why my mtf friend was so sure she's a girl, when I didn't know, I had no clue, I didn't know where to go from here.

I thought of that man again.

I wanted to take my tits off and put them back on again and take them off again, just to see how it felt. I bought a binder, I told my parents it's just to fit into my button up shirts. I hadn't worn a dress or a skirt since the year after I graduated high school. I stopped wearing bras. I wore a button up shirt and a blazer whenever I could. I tried to find myself in the performance of gender.

I changed my named when I was just about to turn to fifteen, and a teacher followed me from middle school to high school, and she asked me if I was still going by that, cause she wasn't sure if I'd meant it, if it would've stuck. It stuck for ten years, even as I asked myself, is this really what I want? Is this my name? Would it be okay if I changed my name again, is it allowed? I told everyone who'd listen it's okay to changed your name for any reason, at any time.

I don't remember that man's name. I don't remember most of his story. I remember picturing him walking around, remember wishing I could pretend I wasn't a girl just for an evening. I wanted...

Well.

#transmasc #genderqueer #trans #nonbinary #queer #lgbtqa+#gail speaks #or maybe.#daniel speaks #jew tag

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pigeonpeach · 2 months

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You’re making it hard to leave

Nilou x gender neutral eremite reader part 2!

Part 1 here

Part 3 here

Part 4 the final part

A/n: i think I’ll do one other part maybe? Maybe two more? I’ll see. Sorry if yall aren’t big nilou fans because she is my muse now

Sumeru city was… different. You weren’t expecting your fellow eremites to be okay with you taking time off to go to the city. You gave the excuse of wanting to explore the culinary field a bit before going back out. Although you suspected they knew of your feelings to Nilou. They hadn’t seen her alot. After that night they seemed to sense your feelings and fondness of her. You remember your fellow eremite Clear water pulling you aside before you left the Ribat, heading to the jungle instead of the desert. Her words still lingered in your head. “If you keep entertaining those feelings of yours, you’ll get in too deep and then you’ll be stuck inbetween worlds.” She didn’t seem too happy with your decision to go forward anyways. You told her it wasn’t like that. That you simply were sick of the desert and wanted to try the city life. Its not like Eremites are bound to the desert. Plenty are in the jungle and in the city. Although your tribe was not one of them…

Your tribe… you wondered how they were now. A high value client called for escort to a camp somewhere. You wouldn’t get any mora from that considering your absence but you waved them off, leaving your own little cook book with them. Although you weren’t related to any of them, you had come to see them as family. Your family were Eremites. This job was more than just mercenary work or desert life, it was your blood and your family traditions. As the only child you felt the pressure to continue your families legacy. Even if you didn’t like it that much. You aren’t the closest member of the tribe, but they notice your absence in the morning. They noticed your protectiveness of Nilou and even commented on it once she left to rejoin some friends at the Ribat. Your tribe wasn’t close friends you would say, they seemed annoyed by the few hobbies you enjoyed outside of any sparring or strengthening exercises. They humored your cooking for the tastes and delicious foods you could make, but if you tried to ramble about your thought process and future ideas for other recipes they’d nod out of sync clearly trying to skip the conversation. Spars was the only bonding you had with them. You were strong no doubt, they were as well. It was actually fun to wrestle with them, even sometimes assisting in their workouts occasionally. But your bond with them wasn’t the strongest, you wouldn’t like to leave though. This had been your life since forever it seemed, leaving and changing professions now would be like becoming a different person completely. But alas, the city was now in your sights, the bridge to the city was right over a waterfall. Birds gathered to chirp as tourists fanned themselves with the overpriced fans vendors would purposefully upcharge. A sigh left your lips as you headed in.

The bustling market place was almost… exciting. You hadn’t seen such assortments in awhile. Aaru village did have market days where merchants would sell goods and eremites could get better equipment, but more importantly, you could get foreign spices, often for a discount as those merchants recognized you. Your culinary skills had won over and eased many clients, in fact your main topic of conversation with them was their dishes. If they were from afar you would inquire about their specialties, their comfort foods etc. If they brought vegetables or meats of their own you would prepare it. Because of that they’d lower their prices for you. Not always but sometimes. Generosity isn’t common, especially towards eremites like yourself, you take what you can get. But here you weren’t to well known. Both a relief and a burden. You had only one “friend” in the city. Those various College students you escorted wouldn’t be likely to help you out here.

Maybe this was a bad idea? Maybe you should go back into the wilderness and relax there. People send you glares as if trying to intimidate you, which is weird considering you’re just trying to find the Theatre. The shorter ones were intimidated and timid. Finally you had to admit defeat, you wouldn’t find the theatre yourself, “Excuse me?” You asked a old lady.

“WHAT?! I don’t WANT YOUR PRODUCTS!” She yelled.

“I just wanted to know where the Zubayr Theatre was.” You said, a stern expression settling as you looked at her confused. She seemed red with embarrassment as she cleared her throat.

“Ah sorry, keep going straight and make a left by the hospital.” She said. You didn’t know city folk could be so tense. Either way it only made you regret your decision more.

The day was horrible, you finally got in just in time, the lights were on and the crowd was surrounding the stage. You found a spot where you could see the stage. Wondering if this truly would’ve been worth it all. Nilou was nice yes, but you also hadn’t seen her since she left the Ribat, you had wanted to go with her but your tribe insisted you stay for a bit. Maybe this was all just for nothing…

But when the crowd died and the music began, your eyes naturally drew to Nilou even before she got into the spot light. She waited behind a pillar as some other people seemed to encourage her. Finally she stepped into the light, spinning with grace. And in the moment you saw her again did all those doubts melt away, the stress, the glares, the anxieties seemed to evaporate. The Theatre was indoors which made the music echo off the ceiling and the walls, surrounding your ears. Her dance was like the one you saw before, but it seemed a bit.. stiff. Probably just nerves. You couldn’t take your eyes off of her for the longest time.

For a moment, she moved closer to the edge of the stage, her eyes landed on yours, you noticed that stiffness leave. Her movements became more confident and even quick. The music built up tension as the lights seemed to get brighter and brighter. You noticed her hydro vision was glowing as she raised droplets of water to surround her. And then at the end did the water splash outwards, forming a lotus flower surrounding her. Applause erupted as people cheered. You clapped along, still dazed as you looked at her.

You waited after the show. But it seemed like everyone in all of Sumeru wanted to meet and talk to her. You waited patiently, ignoring the pangs of hunger, you hadn’t been able to eat today. Your nerves and mind blocked out any hunger, now however you were antsy and hungry. Nilou’s eyes darted, meeting yours, you wondered if you were overthinking when she seemed to straighten up upon seeing you. Quickly dismissing herself and running over.

“You made it! I- i mean i figured you would at some point but I didn’t expect to see you so soon!” She seemed excited. “I also expected you would leave right after if I’m honest.”

“I went through alot of trouble to be here. Don’t worry I’m not in trouble with my tribe or anything, i have about a week until they’re back, then I’ll go back to work. Consider it a… vacation.” You said. She seemed even more excited.

“Oh that’s wonderful! That gives you plenty of time to explore the city and its treats! Say, our theatre group is going to have a celebratory dinner later if you would like to attend..” she noticed your stomach’s growl. “Oh dear, did you not have anything?”

“Ah.. i guess I forgot. I was so focused and stressed I forgot about food entirely. I might just find a local stand if that’s okay.” You said.

“I’ll join you then. I’ll help you find one. There’s usually a lot at this time. Ooh! I actually have a friend of mine who likes to give me discounts and such. Lets see them!” She said, taking your hand by instinct as she started to walk out the area. You normally wouldn’t let someone grab you like that but.. you were really whipped for her. Embarrassingly so, considering you hardly knew her.

“Woah you’re right, that does kind of resemble lobster meat.” Nilou’s friend tried some extra scorpion meat you had. “Wow, that might be a untapped market, scorpion meat is hardly ever sold.”

“Well it is rather hard to get. They are fighters and often in groups. It would take a seasoned hunter or fighter to avoid their stingers and take them out quickly.” You said.

“Well I’ll be damned. You truly do make friends with the weirdest people Nilou.” He chuckled. You felt slightly insulted

“Oh he didn’t mean like you’re weird just that my selection is. I’ve had friends from nobility, other nations, and even eremites including yourself. I guess to some people its strange.” She said.

“Oh yeah i didn’t mean it like that. I’m sure there’s stranger things than eating scorpions. Anyways here is your order, Potato Boat and Tachin, don’t worry its on the house!” He smiled. You were a little surprised. She seemed a less so.

“Oh are you sure? I have plenty I could pay you with!” Nilou said insistent.

“Its fine you’ve helped me plenty of times, not to mention those free tickets youve given to my daughter and I. By all means I am in your debt. Enjoy your meal you two.” He said shooing you two away. You smiled.

“Thank you sir, if you ever do need something I’d be glad to repay the favor.” You said instinctively. He said surprised.

“Oh no don’t worry, you’re Nilou’s friend so any friend of hers is one of mine. Enjoy the meal.” He said. You would retort but you figured it wouldn’t hurt to not do so. The two of you waved goodbye leaving to find a quiet spot to eat. Although your dish was alluring and fragrant, you were still focused on Nilou. Finally you two found a short stone wall, there was minimal traffic through the area as you two sat on it to eat.

“How was your journey here? You seemed to get here a day later.” She asked curiously.

“Not bad. I had to negotiate with my tribe a bit. Its all good now. I actually wasted some time trying to find some more harra harra fruit.”

“So you spent s night all by yourself in the wilderness?” She seemed worried.

“Well yeah, I’m fine though obviously. I’ve done it before even in the desert.” You contemplated your mext words. “My parents were eremites too, so they wanted to test my ability to survive in the wilderness. It helped toughen me up.” She seemed worried.

“So.. your parents left a kid.. alone in the desert… to prepare them..” she seemed concerned.

“It wasn’t in a unsafe location. It was on the outskirts of Aaru village, pretty safe. Besides I only ever did it in the seasons with few sandstorms and few monsters nearby.” You said dismissively. You started to eat your food, hoping to avoid more questions. But Nilou’s worry still lingered, you could sense it.

“When did you know you wanted to be a Eremite?” She asked. You chewed and swallowed while contemplating your answer. Hoping the cheesey potato mixed with garnishes and spice would somehow come up with a appropriate response.

“Well.. my whole family have been eremites. Its kind of a tradition going down both sides. I Think its back to my great great grandparents maybe? But.. well I didn’t really have many other convictions in life. At least this way I get to see the world and have adventures.” You said. Her concern didn’t fade.

“Do you like being a eremite?” She asked. You pondered. The potato no longer provided a distraction or soothing sensation, you didn’t realize you had been taking such big bites as most of it was gone already.

“Sort of. I don’t really know what else I’d be though.” Silence fell as you felt like you ruined it all. “Don’t worry about me. I’m strong, I can and have been through alot. Sure my life isn’t perfect but no one’s is really. I’m satisfied.” You said.

“Hmm.. I guess its wrong of me to make that judgment. There aren’t much opportunities in Aaru village other than being a eremite is there?” She asked cautiously but sympathetically.

“Yeah. Usually you have to be born into that role, most don’t want to train someone other than their own kids. Besides money is always a issue there. I’m sure things are getting better now. Sometimes I visit my parents there. They’re retired now. My dad was actually the one who fueled my love of cooking. He loved preparing all sorts of meats, crocodile jerky, crocodile meat, Scorpion, snake meat, and there was the occasional mushroom. I think sumpter beast as well? He was a expert hunter. As his only kid he passed that onto me. I actually enjoyed those moments the most.” You felt more at ease, remembering how he’d tease you with the skinned snake body, puppeteering its mouth and threatening to eat you if you didn’t eat your greens and go to bed on time.

“That’s actually sweet… i think.. I’ve never heard of snake meat being eaten.. isn’t it venomous.” Nilou asked. You paused, your focus on her slanted headdress that was starting to fall off, your hand reached out to fix it. She seemed a bit flustered as you fixed her headdress. “Oh thanks.”

“Its no problem. Anyways enough about meats and deserts. What is city life like for you?” You asked.

“Well.. you’ve seen it today but I’m kind of uh… ‘popular’ in some circles. Our theatre group is well liked and has helped built up this community and stability. There’s tons of friendships and bonds between each other. Everyone has each other’s back. We’ve dealt with the Akademiya’s interference alot and having that close knot community is essential for pushing back. But its not just that, for me its like everyone is a friend I haven’t met yet. I know alot of people in the Akademiya and out of it. They’re all so compassionate and sweet. I sometimes feel burdened by all their favors and free stuff.” Nilou smiled as she rambled.

“Free stuff?” You asked confused.

“Oh you only saw part of it today. But I’m friends with lots and lots of vendors. Whenever they have the chance they give me excess products and such. Its kind of exhausting carrying all that stuff. I tend to give it out sometimes if its not personalized. Of course it does depend on the item in question but I also like to give stuff back to the community as well.” She sighed happily, noticing the darkening sky.

“That sounds nice.” You smiled unintentionally.

“Oh its dark out! I guess you need to head back to your inn right?” She asked. You looked at her confused.

“Umm.. I’m actually going to go camping nearby.” You answered. She seemed surprised.

“F-for the whole stay? You’re not going to get a hotel room or anything? There’s pretty cheap inns I could recommend if you’re hard on cash. Heck I even know a guy w-“ you held out your hand so she stopped.

“Its fine. I like it that way. Trust me I’m very capable.” You smiled at her. She sighed, clearly still worrying.

“You’re sure? You don’t get alot of vacations.. why not indulge a little?” She asked. Her offer seemed tempting. Your back had been aching recently… you hadn’t slept in a proper bed in years. And if she was honest about getting a good deal then it might be worth it.

“As long as its cheap. I don’t really care about he quality really.” You said. You noticed a glint in her eyes as she lightened up.

“Great! Lets head over!” This time she held her hand out to you, offering it. You paused, deciding to take the chance you took her hand in yours. You had more time to notice it now, your hand was a big bigger than her dainty but long fingers. Her fingers interlocked with yours perfectly. You knew that it is foolish to let your heart run, to let it dominate your senses like this, but you couldn’t help it.

The inn bed truly was a good choice. You never felt so comfortable in your life. The roll up cushion you used for transport wasn’t even close to this level of comfort. The inn itself wasn’t too impressive, but it was comfortable. Nilou snickered reminding you that she was still here.

“You… you look like you melted..” she giggled. Normally you would shoot up and try to defend yourself but… the bed is too comfortable to leave. And with the gentle gaze of Nilou you wondered if this was what spas felt like.

“It feels.. nice…” you mumbled. She smiled. You felt a little bad, Nilou had essentially bargained her way to a less deal by offering the hotel owner to perform for his little daughter’s birthday, an then insisted on paying it herself. All day she had been so nice, so accommodating.. you couldn’t just let her do everything. “How should I pay you back?” You asked.

“Hm? Well there’s really no need. I won’t hold it against you trust me. I had a lovely time with you today and that’s all I could ask for.” She insisted with that smile. That smile, that’s the stuff that would get non believers on their hands and knees and prayer. Nilou was very pretty, you had tried very hard to ignore that. But when she smiled at you with that genuine and sincere smile, it felt like every brick of your walls fell like dominoes. It was almost scary how Nilou bypassed every instinct and intuition you had developed. You wondered if maybe she was setting you up. But then your meeting made no sense. Who dances in a oasis at night just hoping some kind eremite would fall for their trap. Besides this is one weird trap considering the lengths she had gone to.

It didn’t make sense to think of Nilou as anything sinister or immoral. So your caution drained as she sat on the bed.

“Are you tired? You look really sleepy. I’ll leave if you’re tired.” She said.

“Nilou..” she came a bit closer. “I’d do anything you would ask me to. That is my payment to you.” Nilou’s cheeks grew pink.

“Oh.. you don’t have to.. but if you insist. I promise I won’t make you do something too demanding.” She said. You shook your head.

“I can take it, whatever you need me for I’ll do.” You insisted. Nilou hummed in thought.

“Well… we do need help with stage building when you have some time.. really wed just need you to be our heavy lifter. Our main strong arm is on paternity currently. And.. I wouldn’t say most of the team is that um… strong? Not in a negative sense just in that they wouldn’t be able to do it as easily. Of course you don’t have to! Its just a offer and you will be paid I assure you!” She stood up. You smiled.

“You know its not a favor if you pay me right? I’ll do it but I still owe you one.” You smiled comfortably. Her nervous expression soothed into a gentle smile. As she stood up.

“Alright if you insist,” she collected her things. “Alright well I gotta go now. I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“Certainly.”

“Great. Sleep tight! I’ll see you tomorrow.” She said before leaving. You noticed a sound in the room, quickly recognizing it as your heart. You sighed.

You know its bad to get attached so quickly. Its the worst thing for a person like yourself to fall in love so easily because it leaves you so vulnerable. If Nilou didn’t return your feelings you felt like it might crush you. But you didn’t want to ruin your friendship with her. You wanted her in your life. Just in some way at least. But it didn’t really matter then, you wouldn’t see much of her when you back to the desert. That idea stung. Clear Water’s warning just became more and more clear.

#genshin imagines #genshin x y/n #gender neutral reader #nilou x reader #domestic fluff #pinning #slight angst

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heroes-of-olympus-next-gen · 2 years

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This isn't a baby shower

Events that took place during Annabeth's baby shower.

Annabeth never thought that she would form a friendship with Rachel Elizabeth Dare. At one point in her life, she was her mortal enemy as she had managed to catch Percy’s attention. And for her 15-year-old self that was a crime punishable with death. But for her 27-year-old self, Rachel was one of her closest friend, living in the same city and all that.

“Rachel, I don’t want a baby shower.” Annabeth insisted on the phone.

“It isn’t a baby shower. It’s more like a gathering where we can all give you our gifts for your babies and spend time with you.”

“That’s pretty much the definition of a baby shower last time I checked.”

“Annabeth.” Rachel said in a more serious tone.

“Rachel.” She replied. “I’m 26 weeks pregnant with two babies that enjoy kicking me day and night. A party is the last thing I need right now. I don’t have the energy for it.”

“You’re glowing!” She insisted.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“I’ll take care of everything. I promise. I can invite anyone you want. Consider it my present to you.” Her friend pleaded her.

Annabeth thought about it for a moment. Percy had also subtly mentioned how he wanted to throw a party before their babies came along with family and friends. But he knew how she felt, so he wouldn’t say anything to her. “Fine. We’ll organize a party.”

The gathering was more fun than Annabeth expected. Rachel did as she promised. No cheesy games or dumb décor. Just friends and family all together before Annabeth gave birth. She was in a good mood when deciding who to invite. She even included her father and stepbrothers. Her stepmother didn’t join them as she was ‘sick’ and didn’t want to risk making Annabeth feel ‘unwell’.

Percy was overlooking everyone from afar. He was mostly focused on Annabeth who was laughing over her conversation with Katie and Malcolm. Thalia slid next to him leaning against the wall. He was a bit surprised that she actually managed to come. She had been absent in the past few years, that he didn’t count her in most events anymore. “I’m excited to see you changing a lot of dirty diapers in the near future.” She teased him.

He leaned on the wall next to his friend. “Annabeth and I ARE going to have a hell of a lot of diapers to change. I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.”

“If I hear that Annabeth changed a single diaper, you’ll never hear the end of it.” Thalia told him.

“Is this a threat?”

“Yes.” She replied with a threating look.

“Okay.” Percy laughed. “We aren’t going to have an issue. I wasn’t planning on letting Annabeth change diapers. She’ll push them out. I’ll do my part with my parts.”

“Good. I still have a tiny bit of faith in the male gender.” Thalia cleared her throat and looked at his side. Then she did something even more unexpected. She hugged him. “I’m happy for the two of you. You deserve peace. Your kids will be lucky to have you as their father.”

“You think I’ll make a good father?”

“Definitely. You’re a better man than our fathers were. Or will ever be. Which says a lot as they are immortal.” She paused and took a breath. “I know that I never give you any credit, but you’re a great guy. I just want you to show the old fuckers how great fathers are supposed to be.”

Thalia’s expression said it all. They both had a hard time growing up. Thalia a little harder as she wasn’t lucky enough to have a good mortal parent. She had joined the hunt to make sure that she would always feel the rush and be part of a pack. Of a sisterhood. Percy respected her a lot. And her saying, and actually meaning it, that she believed that he would be a great father, meant a lot for him.

He was afraid of becoming a father and bringing life into the world. He was blind. He didn’t have a clue on how he was supposed to raise someone else. He didn’t have a great fatherly figure, someone to imitate or give him advice. His father was stuck being a Greek deity. His ex-stepfather used to beat him up. Kicked and punched him. Abused him verbally and made him feel like a zero. That was how he grew up. And for the longest time he believed what Gabe was saying to him.

But Paul came into his mother’s life and changed his perspective on different points of life. His current stepfather was always praising and supporting him. Although he was sixteen when he married his mother, he never excluded him from the family. Percy felt like Paul was actually proud of him and was the only normal father he had in his life. After telling him and Sally that Annabeth was pregnant, he sat down with him and reassured him that everything would be alright, and that he would be right there for anything he needed. That talk alone reassured Percy that things would work out in the end.

“I will be. But you’re forgetting something.”

“What?”

“My kids will also have a killer aunt.”

“Who’ll always let them know how lame their dad was younger.”

“I wasn’t lame. I was really cool actually.”

“I have evidence that show otherwise.” She stated. She looked over at Annabeth and then back to Percy. “I’ve been thinking of showing up more often. If that’s okay with you and Annabeth.”

“Works just fine with me.” He smiled.

“Don’t look at me like that.” She warned him, her brows scrunching together.

“Like what?”

“You know how you look with that stupid smirk on your face.” She spatted. “You want me to say it? I’ll say it. You and Annabeth are the only family I’ve got left. And I want to be around your kids. Although someday they’ll be older than me.” She slowed down at the last part.

“Does that bother you?”

“Not at all. I’m having the time of my life in the hunt. I love the rush and the feeling of being infinite.”

“There was a time when you were older than me.” He grinned at the thought of it.

“I hope your kids don’t get the sense of humour you think you have.” She rolled her eyes at him.

#percy and annabeth #hoo #pjo #pjo next gen #percy jackson #percy jackson headcannons #percabeth #percababies #annabeth chase #percy jackson fic #percy pjo #percabeth babies #percabeth family #percabeth fanfic

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mhbcaps · 6 months

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I was tagged by @miss--river @pinkyjulien and @wraithsoutlaws and this time I'm actually doing the thing I was tagged in XD thank you! If anyone hasn't been tagged yet, do it and say I tagged you - I mean it!!!!

OC INTERVIEW

🟦🟪 David Lozano & Viggo Day

▪ NICKNAME:

"Can call me V."

"What about that adorable nickname Heiress has for you?"

"Oh, yeah. Old lady I used to train with, she calls me Big Blue. What, you think that's cute?"

"I do, I love it! I'd call you that too but it feels like a special thing just for her. Like how your mom sometimes calls you--"

"Yeah, and this is Gogo, 'cause they never know when to fuckin' stop."

"That's me!"

▪ GENDER:

"Hell if I know! Just write down n/a. Or, no, write down "fun"! I'm not a boy or a girl, I'm fun."

"Could also write down "loud.""

"That too. And you're cis."

"Yeah. That's the one where you stuck with whatever they wrote on--yeah. Cis male."

▪ ORIENTATION:

"Oh, I like anyone who's got muscles and looks good doing manual labor. Like, all strong and sweaty. No, seriously! Not everyone looks good like that. Like, V does, but Sanctuary--our friend Sanctuary--wouldn't. They're hot too, though. Is it weird to say I'm attracted to anyone who looks like they can provide for me? Or like, kill someone for me. I wouldn't want them to, but... y'know."

"...Right. And I like men."

▪ NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY:

"Ah, shit, I always get confused by this."

"Nationality is your country, so we're both from the NUSA."

"Right, and ethnicity is like... your culture?"

"Yeah, without getting too complicated. So you're Mexican."

"Little bit of Italian, too. Had a Nonna when I was a kid. Been dead a long time, though."

"You're depressing them!"

"You're about to make it worse. Go on, kid, tell us about your family."

"They don't need to know the sordid details. My dad was Chinese, but my mom's family and the clan raised me, so I'm closer to Mexican. See? Not depressing at all!"

▪ HEIGHT:

"My heels are deceiving you, I'm only five-two."

"Five-ten."

"Ooh, so close to six."

"And you're nowhere near it."

▪ STAR SIGN:

"Misty keeps tellin' me and I forget every time."

"You're a Capricorn, and I'm an Aries. You know both our symbols have horns? Oh, new tattoo idea!"

"I'm down."

━

▪ FAVE FRUIT:

"Have you ever even eaten a fruit? Like a real one?"

"Kerry gave me a mango, one time. It was okay. I like the fucked up little strawberries we have here more."

"Oh, I love those. Yeah, strawberries for both of us."

▪ FAVE SEASON:

"I love summer, but the heat makes me really sick if I'm not careful. So spring, I guess. Before the temps get too high."

"Winter, I think. Quieter in winter."

▪ FAVE FLOWER:

"Poppies! Look, I even have them tattooed. I adore poppies."

"Roses. No reason, I just think they're pretty, I guess."

"That's a reason!"

▪ FAVE SCENT:

"Hm. What's the scent you use, V?"

"Sandalwood. Dunno what that is, but it's what the lotion bottle says."

"Okay, then sandalwood."

"Really?"

"Well, I like a lot of smells, but you're what came to mind first."

"Man, now I don't wanna say mine. 'Cause it's not whatever you're wearing."

"You don't like my perfume?"

"It's not bad, it's just not my favorite. I like vanilla."

"Ooh, vanilla is good. Especially when it's all warm."

━

▪ COFFEE, TEA, HOT CHOCOLATE:

"This one roasts me all the time 'cause I like brown sugar in my coffee. Like they don't put syrup in theirs."

"Okay, I do not roast you. I just have to point out that it's weird. Every time."

"See?"

▪ AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP:

"Oh, I sleep like a rock. Usually at least 6 hours, but I'll nap during the day, too. Especially when it's hot out."

"Not many."

▪ DOG OR CAT PERSON:

"Cats. Glad they're starting to make a comeback."

"Me too. Some areas that my clan would camp in had a feral dog problem, so I've never liked them. I haven't met many cats, but they've all been chill."

▪ DREAM TRIP:

"I'd love to visit somewhere tropical. Someplace with a clean beach and nice water. Or somewhere snowy. Doesn't Japan have both?"

"Fuck if I know. I'm not really into traveling these days. Seen enough of this planet."

▪ NUMBER OF BLANKETS THEY SLEEP WITH:

"Oh, this is a funny story. V and I used to live together in this horrible little one-room apartment, and I had to get rid of my mattress because something chewed a hole in it, so V let me share his bed until I could get a new one."

"Couldn't let you sleep on the floor. Would've been eaten alive by the roaches."

"It was still really sweet of you. Anyway, I guess he got used to having me there, and after I got a new mattress and went back to my bed, he kept getting more pillows until there was a human sized pile under the blanket."

"How do you know it was 'cause of you? Maybe I just like havin' a lot of pillows to choose from."

"Okay, okay. Sure. If that helps you sleep at night."

"Nah, my sixteen pillows help me sleep at night."

"Wait, shit, they were asking about blankets, weren't they?"

▪ RANDOM FACT:

"You say one about me, and I'll say one about you."

"Hm. Gogo has a degree in mechanical engineering. Or most of one, right?"

"Well, we don't really have degrees, but I was working on my specialization when Augie got registered and we went static to take care of him. So, yeah, close to a degree. I would've had a special patch on my jacket and eventually been part of the logistics team."

"You ever regret not finishing?"

"No, Augie's more important."

"Yeah. I get that."

"Now, a random fact I know about V, is his favorite meal ever is fried polenta and spicy sausage."

"Yep. I'll never turn that shit down."

"And I like it 'cause it reminds me of cooking in camp with my clan. It's good stuff."

"Yeah."

🟦🟪

#david #gogo #long post #old pic bc I'm on my phone at work LOL

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viviennelamb · 3 months

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Feels good to say the Truth: Purity makes living in this shithole worth it. All the pointless psychology, personality typing, and horoscopes I learned for the world's sake is fake- I can't get along with debauched people. Doesn't matter how much we superficially have in common, there's nothing to say to people who have worms for brains. All their medical theories are wrong as well. I've attributed the headaches, nausea, restlessness of the heart and mind my body got around ordinary people as a personal problem, turns out those are symptoms of being fucking disgusted. I don't have to be around yeasty beasties talking about their deplorable conditions being "normal sexual health problems" anymore. Proud about their rank pussies & dicks being heterosexually active while growing 1 billion cultures in their body. Makes sense why I feel best when I'm alone while they feel calmer around me.

I wanted to be problem so I could fix myself which I tried for at least 10 years, but no, most people make me sick. I've only felt good around one person in my life. I told her I thought she was perfect and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. She humbly denied it, of course, but now I know: her heart was pure. The poor girl was exhausted, drained and smiled weakly around her so-called friends who would use and discard her every chance they got. I would get glimpses into what she really thought cause she knew I wasn't heartless like everybody else and her covert expressions of disgust were hilarious. She would get the socially anxious label when she definitely was not that. Sex-addicts don't know the difference between a person who is insecure and somebody who knows your fragile yet aggressive anger-issue-having asses can't handle a proton of honesty. It's not shyness, it's not wanting our gorgeous minds to get raped by your foul opinions.

Speaking of opinions, I was always called stuck up. When I used to try to help trolls in person they got angry when I implied that they should give cleanliness a try before they run to get put on dope by anti-health white-coated soul-butchers. People like the idea of a spotless mind but when you actually apply it to your life they're ready to diagnose you with one of their delusions. I've always been sane and sound of mind: I don't want to objectify women, I don't want to "loosen up" and I don't want to forget God. I'm more relaxed than anybody I know: I've never worried about not having enough sex, whether I'm attractive enough for the billions of degenerates nor have I ever worried about amazing a stupid psychopath.

I stopped talking for a few years altogether (which were some of the best years of my life, looking back...) because everything I said was wrong or dismissed but of course, they could spew their psychic sewage in my presence without a single fuck about how I felt. I'm sick of bigoted blokes bullying people for their race, gender, sexual orientation when they all engage in the same noxious filth and hate purity just the same. I'm not self-immolating for whores anymore. The 20 minutes of depression afterwards isn't worth it and I've heard it all anyways. Sexophiles lament about the dangers of being in echo chambers yet they can't see how they all repeat the same shit like clockwork. They're all so fucking impressed with themselves too.

I've reached my capacity for depravity: no, lapping up discharge isn't the fountain of life and guzzling semen doesn't repair DNA, shiteaters. I thought this level of immaturity would change as I got older, but it's just fucking ridiculous how many lazy pieces of shit make up theories to brainwash themselves into thinking eating pussy and sucking dick is the point of life. And what really gets me is they think eating the "correct" race of dick makes them superior. Why the fuck do they talk so much anyways? They should be too busy choking on it. I thought I would at least be able to laugh at them at this point but they're boring, unfunny, psychotic losers who can't even wipe their asses properly because of their BBLs and acrylic nails. I'm not a tolerant person and glad I can finally admit that. Stay sick.

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bloom-berri · 1 month

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LEO/NEED HEADCANONS !!

for some context before the headcanons! These are ones I wrote down a while ago when i was finally first reading the stories and I did these after i finished their main story; so if they aren't super accurate to things up-to-date then thats proobbaabbllyy why, so bear with me! (Though i forever stand by disabled saki)

Random Leo/Need headcanons :

saki ofc got really sick and was in hospitalized for a few years, she was left very physically weak due to this so they gave her crutches to help stabilize herself so she can keep balance when walking and standing. She thought the crutches were too dull, boring, and ugly so before she went back to school she decorated them with stickers, ribbons, paint, and whatever else she could add without making them useless. Occasionally she'd redo all the designs just cuz she wasn't feeling it or didn't fit her aesthetic of the day and she'd just change it whenever she felt like it.

shiho maybe has bpd... it was my first thought when reading but I'm not 100% sure yet, she often pushes people away even the ones she cares for most. At times she can be really rude to them and say hurtful and blunt things, but other times she can be really genuine and kind to those closest to her. She has a habit of lashing out at people, often arguing with saki and honestly anyone who pisses her off in the slightest. This one I'm not sure about cuz it could be something else this is just my first thought

honami has social anxiety !!! She cares about what people think of her to an unhealthy amount, she always assumes the worst in social situations and that everyone will hate her if she makes one mistake, even if she seems to talk to people okay it makes her really anxious unless it's people she's really comfortable with

ichika has miku merch and she hides it under her bed whenever people come over... she pretends to be a casual fan, she is not though, she is drowning in her fixation

shiho likes her hair short cuz it's less to take care of, girl has places to be she can't spend to much time worrying about taking care of her hair

aannndd some sexuality/love headcanons: Ichika - aroace (make demiromantic) I feel like she'd be the type of aroace growing up trying to have a crush and thinking liking someone as a friend is the same as a crush and later thought something was wrong with her cuz she has no desire to kiss or really anything romantic with anyone; but hey who needs bitches when you can listen to hatsune miku Saki - questioning but most likely bi/pan with female preference she missed a lot of the important self discovery years since she was stuck in the hospital so she's figuring it out now and wants to try dating to get the full high school experience Honami - unlabeled or bi/pan with no preference if she loves someone then she loves someone! Never really thought about gender or anything In her people pleaser arc I think she was a bit of a hopeless romantic as well to cope with essentially leaving her best friends so she would use Love as a way to fill that hole (and since they're in an all girls school everyone just thought she was a raging lesbian) Shiho - Lesbian, demi-aroace (probably on the nonbinary spectrum too!) takes a lot for her to fall for someone considering how closed off she is and the fact that she doesn't really like people (I just can't see her with a man)

#pjsk #project sekai #leo/need #saki tenma #ichika hoshino #shiho hinomori #honami mochizuki #pjsk headcanons #pjsk saki #pjsk shiho #pjsk honami #pjsk ichika

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pedritomosquito · 1 year

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Wardrobe Malfunction

Summary: Bella feels awful in her form-fitting costume. Pedro and Craig swoop in.

Pairing: No Pairings, just Pedro & Bella

Word count: ~1.6k

Warnings: Gender dysphoria, panic attack

A/N: Bella did an interview where she said that she wore a binder for 90% of filming and that Pedro was the biggest supporter of it. This fic is how I imagine that conversation went down.

This is an incredibly self-indulgent fic written with little to no skill lol. I thought my fellow trans/non-binary/gender queer friends might find some solace in it, so I decided to post it anyway.

Bella walked back from the wardrobe department completely numb.

In the previous episodes they’d shot, she always had multiple layers on. Usually an undershirt, a flannel, and a hoodie covered her frame, obscuring any details of her figure.

But now she was dressed in a snug long sleeve top.

She just nodded as they did the fitting, complacent with whatever choices they made. This was the outfit wardrobe wanted–what Craig and Neil wanted. She trusted them and letting them down wasn’t an option. She should really just get over it, despite the growing sickness pooling in her stomach.

She stood in her trailer, staring at her reflection, peering at herself from every angle. Her figure was soft and rounded in all the wrong places. She didn’t look like herself, her appearance too foreign. She was mismatched and her outside was incongruous with the rest of her. Everything was wrong. She couldn’t barely even explain what or why, but it was wrong . Maybe if she really slouched… No, that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t fucking enough .

Her throat squeezed tight and she couldn’t bear it. The thought that this strange version of her was going to be permanently etched into television for everyone to see made her desperate. Without a single thought, she picked up a water bottle and chucked it at the mirror. The outburst didn’t supply any relief and she spun around, folding over herself like she could store her body away.

She wrapped her arms so tightly around her chest, she could hardly breathe. She dropped to the floor and let the sobs overtake her.

—----

Pedro checked his phone as he wandered over to Bella’s trailer to pick her up. They usually walked to set together and their lunch break was just about over. As he approached the door, he froze–there was crying coming from inside.

“Bella?!” He knocked on the door and got no response, just hearing more cries. “I’m coming in, honey!” He warned her. He’d bust down the door if he had to.

He swung the door open and stepped inside. He found her sitting in a heap on the floor, tears soaking her cheeks.

“Oh, Bellie,” He breathed. She finally looked up at him as he knelt down in front of her. “What’s wrong?”

She couldn’t answer. She didn’t know how to explain herself. She just cried harder, leaning towards him.

He sat down and pulled her into his arms.

“It’s okay, just breathe,” He tried, “It’s okay.”

He didn’t know what could have made her that upset, but he can’t say he’s surprised. Bella was only nineteen years old and the stakes were unbelievably high for this project. The shooting schedule they had was brutal. He never could have handled the amount of stress she was under when he was nineteen.

He continued to reassure her, softly rubbing circles on her back. He waited until she had calmed down a bit before asking her to speak.

“What happened, Bella?” He asked gently.

“I feel wrong ,” She sobbed

Pedro’s frown deepened.

“What do you mean, honey?” He pulled away a bit to take a look at her, pushing back some stray hair that stuck to her tear tracks.

“I don’t feel like… myself… in this,” She replied, unlacing her arms and pulling at her shirt. “Millions of people are going to see me and I can’t–I just want my binder.” She hid her face against his shoulder, covering herself back up and letting more tears stream down her face.

“Bella,” He sighed, hugging her tight. “You don’t have to wear anything you don’t want to.”

“But this is what they want, it’s what Craig and Neil want,” She replied defeatedly, “It’s my job to give them what they want.”

“You don’t owe anything to anyone if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable with yourself,” He said, “And I can guarantee you Craig and Neil would never want you to feel like this. Did you talk to them about it?”

“I don’t want to be difficult,” She said.

“You’re not being difficult, not at all. It’s a simple costume change, honey. They change our wardrobe a hundred times before choosing something anyway, you know that.” He assured her. “Is it okay if I talk to Craig?” He asked, “And then we can talk to him together?”

She picked her head up, giving him a wary look.

“I’m not going to let you leave this trailer until you’re wearing something that makes you feel like you. I’ll be the ‘difficult’ one, okay?”

“Okay,” She nodded.

“Why don’t we get you on the couch?” He offered.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I ended up on the floor,” She apologized sheepishly.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” He replied, “Being on the hard floor is actually a great way to soothe your nervous system, sort of like a weighted blanket. You did it instinctually.” He explained as he helped her to her feet and guided her to sit on the sofa.

“How the hell do you know this stuff?”

“You overestimate my emotional stability, madam,” He joked, getting a giggle out of her. He got a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders so she could finally release her arms. He grabbed the fallen water bottle and retrieved some tissues, placing them next to her.

“I’ll be right back,” He smoothed her hair and gave her a little smile before stepping outside.

He spotted one of the PA’s and called after her.

“Cindy!”

“Mr. Pascal, what can I do for you?” She asked, noting his serious expression.

“Can you let Craig know we need him in Bella’s trailer? It’s urgent.”

“Of course,” She replied. She pressed her walkie talkie. “Cindy to Matthew?”

“Go for Matthew,” a voice replied.

“I have Mr. Pascal here–he needs Mr. Maizin to Miss Ramsey’s trailer. It’s urgent.”

“Maizin to Ramsey’s trailer, got it,” The voice confirmed, “I’m getting him now.”

“Thank you so much, Cindy,” Pedro said.

“You’re welcome,” She replied, “I’ll make sure he gets here.”

Craig was a man on a mission when he was told Pedro and Bella were having some kind of emergency. It was less than two minutes before he was knocking on the trailer door.

“Pedro?” Craig called.

Pedro met him at the door and led him away, out of earshot of the trailer.

“You know what a chest binder is, right?” Pedro began.

Craig wasn’t sure what he expected this conversation to be about, but it definitely wasn’t this. Where was he going with this?

“Yes,” Craig replied.

“It wouldn’t be a problem if Bella wore one with her wardrobe, would it?”

“No, of course not,” He replied, “They can wear it if they want.”

“The poor thing, I found them absolutely hysterical over it,” Pedro explained sadly.

“Oh god, I had no idea,” Craig sighed. “Absolutely they can wear it. Are they doing okay now?”

“Yeah, I got them calmed down,” Pedro said.

“Alright, let’s go have a chat,” Craig replied.

Bella’s eyes looked up as they entered. Craig took in the sight of her, curled up on the couch in a blanket, eyes puffy and red.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, lip trembling.

“Aw kiddo,” He swept over to her and sat down, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her into his side. “There is nothing to be sorry for. You can do whatever makes you feel comfortable with your costumes. You can absolutely wear a binder, or we could rework the whole outfit if that would be better, whatever you need. I didn’t even think to ask you about it. I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of it, I just… I panicked,” she replied quietly.

“This is a big deal–it’s a big deal to us,” He said, looking to Pedro too, “You being uncomfortable is a big deal. Your well-being is more important than anything, you hear me?”

She nodded.

“Do you have a binder with you?” Craig asked.

She nodded again.

“Okay. How about we break for a couple of hours, I want you to rest, alright?” He advised, “And then we can go to wardrobe together and get you fitted for some better costumes. That sound okay?”

“Yeah,” she said with relief.

“You know you can always, always talk to me or Neil or Pedro about this kind of stuff, right?” Craig asked. “If you’re upset or uncomfortable with anything or even if you’re just not sure about something—please talk to us. We want to help.”

Her eyes start to water again.

“Have I ever mentioned how much I love you guys?”

“In passing,” Craig joked.

“On occasion,” Pedro agreed.

Finally, they got a smile out of her.

“Change into anything you want and relax for a bit,” Craig said, “I’ll come by at three to check on you, alright?”

“Alright,” she replied, another small smile on her face.

Craig gave her shoulder a squeeze and a gentle playful tug on her ponytail.

“See you later,” he said as he departed.

“See you.”

“Where are your clothes baby girl?” He knew she would get a kick out of the nickname.

Bella gives a mock gasp.

“Oh my goodness, did I just get blessed with a ‘baby girl?!’” She asked. “I’ll pitch a fit over my dysphoria more often if it means I get the full Joel experience!”

“You’re too much,” Pedro laughed. “Clothes?” He asked again.

“Right, they’re in my bag,” She pointed at the blue duffle in the corner.

He handed it over to her and he sat down facing away from her so she could change.

“Okay,” She announced when she was finished.

“Better?” He asked, turning around to look at her.

“Better,” she dropped back down onto the couch.

“You look wiped, honey. What do you think, do you want to take a nap?” He offered.

“Mhm,” she nodded, getting comfortable and pulling the blanket back over herself.

“Get some rest,” He said, getting up to leave.

“Stay?” She interrupted.

“Of course,” He smiled.

#pedro pascal #bella ramsey #actor rpf #fanfiction #tlou #the last of us

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redleavesinthewind · 1 year

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ELLIOT’S 2022 FIC WRAP UP

writing version / click here for the reading version

i originally wanted to keep track of the amount of words i wrote this year, but that kinda fell apart after a few months. i do know that i didn’t write as much this year as i did the years previous, but hey, i also know i’ve published a total of 110,538 words across 14 fics in 2022, and that’s gotta count for something

so, here’s the list of fics i wrote this year and some thoughts on them (continues under the cut):

dean winchester’s guide to grieving an angel | spn | After Cas dies, Dean feels lost | 1.4k words

this one’s the first fic in my supernatural guides series, and when i wrote this i didn’t even know it would become a series. i’ve tried some new things in this one, specifically how to write about grief and playing around with cas’ trueform. i’ve never called this fic a fix-it, but i guess that’s what it is

the birthday present | spn | Dean’s family surprises him on his birthday | 507 words

this is just a soft little birthday ficlet and another excuse for me to give dean tattoos

time will bring him back to you | spn | After a knee injury, Dean Winchester’s ballet career could very well be over. Refusing to think about it too much, Dean returns to his hometown to take some time off and relax. However, when his old ballet teacher Rowena gets sick he has to take over teaching, and he keeps seeing his ex-boyfriend around town. An ex who he definitely doesn’t have any feelings for anymore… right? Castiel Novak has a good life. He loves his two adopted children, Jack and Claire, and he’s happy with his job as a paramedic. There’s nothing more he needs. Least of all having his ex from back when he was a teenager show up suddenly and distract him from what’s important. Which shouldn’t even be a problem because Cas is totally over him… right? With some meddling from Charlie, Dean and Cas find themselves confronted with feelings they thought were left in the past. | 24k words

okay so while i published this fic in 2022, it was mainly written in 2021. it’s the first time i participated in a big bang type event (deancas pinefest!) and it was such a fun experience. i have done ballet pretty much all my life, so i make ballet aus for pretty much every fandom i’m in, but this is the first one i’ve actually written out! it is very dear to me, and i have more ballet fics in my drafts

castiel’s guide to loving a human | spn | After being rescued from the Empty, Cas is finally allowed to love Dean with all his heart | 2.3k words

here it is, the second part of the supernatural guides series. i never planned for this fic to exist, but i worked off a creator celebration’s prompts and it worked out perfectly! this might be the least angsty fic i have ever written in my life btw

proper pirates have tattoos | ofmd | Before the crew sets sail to follow Blackbeard, Stede gets a tattoo | 720 words

aaand another excuse for me to write about tattoos! funnily enough, i don’t have as much of a desire to write ofmd fic than i do for other fandoms, but this little moment got stuck in my head and i had to get it out

canvas | spn | Claire Novak is a canvas | 1.2k words

a fic about the love of my life claire novak. she is my absolute favourite and i will always jump on any opportunity to a) mess with her gender and b) give her tattoos. this might me my favourite fic i wrote this year, it’s simple, but means so much to me

healing | 911 | Eddie is healing | 100 words

A DRABBLE do you know how hard it is to keep a fic to exactly 100 words?? not easy, especially when you have so much to say about a specific topic (like, eddie’s journey in season 5!!)

the dream goes as follows | spn | dean dreams and he bleeds | 641 words

i’m kinda playing around with imagery in this one, it was fun to write, even though dean is very much not having a good time

home | spn | dean and his home | 100 words

sometimes i look back on my writing and wonder how i did it. i have no idea. i don’t even remember sitting down and writing this. it was just suddenly there. and somehow at perfectly 100 words

cas and dean’s guide to making a home | spn | Cas and Dean buy a house. Now they’re making it their home. | 3.3k words

after writing the previous two guides, i realised that i really liked this universe i’ve created and when another creator celebration with the right prompts came along, the third installment of the guides series was born. it’s a story told through painting walls and i think that’s neat. also, i wrote parts of this while visiting a friend in amsterdam

thread | spn | The thread with which Sam holds himself together | 649 words

ohhh boy okay. a sam character study i came up with after a morning of sewing. i’m very proud of it, however i do think it’s a little cursed

hunting contact | spn | After Hibbing, Jody becomes Donna’s first contact concerning everything supernatural. What starts as professional calls slowly develops into something much more personal, and Jody has to juggle with her job, keeping Donna up-to-date with information on monsters, making a home for Alex and Claire, and realising that there’s more to the blossoming friendship between her and Donna. | 11k words

a jodydonna fic! i’ve wanted to write this one for years, it’s just a comfortable little fic about donna becoming a permanent part of jody’s life. also claire and alex are there and i love them

[insert mamma mia quote here] | spn | Claire Winchester has long resigned to not knowing who their second parent is, but when they find their dad's journal from the summer they were conceived, there's suddenly three possible other fathers. Claire decides to invite them all to their upcoming wedding, convinced that they are going to recognise their father on sight. What could go wrong? Dean Winchester may not understand why his child wants to get married at twenty-two, but he wants to give Claire and Krissy the perfect wedding nonetheless. Now, that would be much easier if there weren't those three guys from his past running around on the island, who cannot under any circumstances find out about Claire. And no, Dean does not still have feelings for one of them. At least that's what he keeps telling himself. | currently at 33k words

BIG SIGH okay. okay. i was supposed to finish this fic within the year but hey, here we are, the last day of 2022, and we’re only slightly over the midway point. i’m a little sad about that actually, cause this fic is so fun! it’s a mix of my favourite things (mamma mia and transnatural) and it is the best thing i have ever come up with. but i am still working on it, so it’s not abandoned! i would never abandon it it’s much too important to me, i’m just inconsistent and can’t stick to schedules

Fire in the Dark | spn | With his brother Sam out of town, Dean and the other forest rangers in his small town in West Virginia must figure out why the forest has become disorienting to those that know it best and, with Cas’ help, concoct a plan that will set it back to normal. | 32k words

okay, first off only around half of the words in this fic were written by me, the other are from ely @/juliept who agreed to try and write a horror fic with me! which was a very fun process. it’s not the first time we’ve co-written, but this one felt different, because i was the one who came up with the concept, and i love how it came to life with our words

eyyyy and that’s it! here’s to many more stories in 2023!!

#elliot writes #pigeon coos #just me talking about my fics

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givemethepage · 9 months

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Layers of Fear 2023: The Actor's Story, Chapter 3

First time through. I didn't realize I was gonna get ALL the backstory I just asked about yesterday. This queer narrative is so front and center and I'm here for it.

SPOILERS.

So so so so. This man is a war photographer, he loses an eye, but he's not a soldier so instead of a pension they give him a medal and call it a day. He's got a wife at home where he becomes a projectionist at a theater he doesn't own. Has a daughter. Real firecracker. Eye hurts. He drinks. You find his wooden eye at one point. Of course that would hurt. Why not glass? Wife gets pregnant, gets sick, dies in childbirth with their 2nd child, MAB. This guy misses his wife, sort of kind of maybe blames the younger child, or that's how it feels to the kid. They're timid, effeminate. This makes the dad ashamed. The older sister is protective of the little one, teaches them ways to cope. Roleplay, hiding. Stay in the dark, play a part. Masking. (See chapter 2 on masks lol,) The young kid doesn't want to do this, isn't great at it. Yet they're coached by the sister to be brave, strong, like her. She even models for him the rejection of traditional gender roles when he questions her choice to play the captain, who is a man in the film. So, playing pirates like the movie that runs in their theater, the sister plays the captain and creates the quartermaster role for the kid, but the kid, instead, decides to create this first mate character, Lucia: a femme pirate who is a lot like the sister, and "so proud" of the captain. And by the way, the sister has seen how the pirate movie ends, but the younger sibling hasn't, and she's sort of withholding it from them. The theater is falling apart and the owner won't invest. People aren't coming, nobody is getting paid. The father must have caught the kid dressing up as Lucia and gotten real mad: you find a belt, the dad becomes represented by the cyclops from the movie, and once you make it through a maze with his burning eye in pursuit, you find these flowers and learn that on the anniversary of his wife's death, which is also the young kid's birthday, he spends all his coin on the wife and forgets the kid. Note here that the dad says "I'm going, look after your brother." Like, maybe he's not coming back. But that's speculation. It's also shown that the sister found news relating to this ship, and has the initial dream to escape their life by sneaking aboard. And perhaps the most interesting bit during the pretend space mission, she reveals that she always knew her sibling had this actor's charisma, this ability to affect people. And that's why she always cultivated it. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't teach them to internalize her natural bravery, confidence, grounded sense of identity. "He could be anyone... But not me." Not the exact quote, but I think that's what that means.

And then! I found this weird box thing! When I got back to the cabin it went in the section with the Rat Queen lore note. There's an achievement about strange objects. This must be one. I must have missed some in the first 2 chapters. I know I missed a poster in ch 2. And when I touched it again in the cabin, the box got stuck on my flashlight hand! Glitch? Puzzle? Do I need more stuff? And then in the telescope I found another floating but, but it didn't appear in my room like the first two. I hate the feeling of missing stuff. But that's why I start in chapter mode.

And then here's what it says when I try to exit on the first floor. This must be dependent upon the choices I make during the decision points.

1. You run, but do you know the way?

2. You build one character. You destroy the other, but do you know which one is which?

3. You follow reason, you see through it. You cut away the strings.

4. You're not afraid to play your part. You accept the inevitable.

Very cool. I can't wait to see the opposite, to mix and match, to fail to decide later??

The Rat Queen does keep taunting the writer, comparing her to the young sibling. "You're just like him," etc.

I'm also really interested in the way the daughter has sympathy for the father, warning us that the monster is also hurting, much like the formless version of the actor. And we see a sort of formless version of the father as he's losing his identity. It's alllll connected. This game is great, and I'll say it again, just as rich as the Painter's story if not richer. It's so REAL and plausible. Not exaggerated, not reliant on egomanaiacal or melodramaritic personalities. So, onward! And then maybe I'll correct myself about details during the 2nd playthrough.

#layers of fear 2 #game analysis #the actor #layers of fear

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oakedredwine · 1 year

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Master List

Requests are open: I thought it'd be really funny if people made requests like they were ordering from a drive thru, but you don't have too.

(Ex. I'd like a MHA Hawks HC with a number 4- Long, and extra fluff.

I mostly write Gender Neutral and Male aligned readers because there are plenty of Fem aligned posts, but I'm not opposed to writing feminine readers.

!! Please request specific pronouns. Otherwise, the MC will use they/them !!

== If it makes you, as a reader, more comfortable, I'm totally okay with writing an MC described as AFAB or AMAB with any pronoun (she/he/they/zir) if you prefer

~Remember! You don't have to be LGBTQIA+ to request, I'm just creating the most inclusive page I can :)

Idea Board:

"Gay Chicken" - Party game

7 minutes in heaven - Party Game

Truth or dare - Party game

Sick day (reader)

Sick day (partner)

Over protective (reader)

Over protective (partner)

Baking together

Cuddling on a rainy day

Comfort after a nightmare (receiving)

Comfort after a nightmare (giving)

Reallt Tall Reader

Really Short Reader

Enemies to lovers

Red String (or soulmates)

Childhood Sweethearts

Forbidden Love

A Second Chance

Love Triangle (✨️oooh scandalous✨️)

Opposites Attract

Stuck together

Ditched by friends at ___ event

"Just friends"

Pen pals

Wedding Runaway

Sunny vs Grumpy

Oblivious to love

Can't spit it out/ say how they feel (reader)

Can't spit it out/ say how they feel (partner)

Road Trip

Isekai'd (reader)

Isekai'd (partner)

Fake Dating

Hold My Drink

Roommates

One Night Stand

-- You can also request your own --

^I'll add more based on popular requests^

Type:

Headcannon

Oneshot

Length:

Short

Medium

Long

Add-ons:

Some fluff

Some angst

Some smut

Some spice

Extra fluff

Extra angst

Extra smut

Extra spice

(Spice: Make out or sexual themes, not the deed)

Fandoms:

Anime

Attack on Titain

Demon Slayer

My Hero Academia

Jujutsu Kaisen

Blue Period

Death Note

Black Butler

The Seven Deadly Sins

Hunter x Hunter

Naruto

Inu Yasha

High Rise Invasion

Soul Eater

Komi Can't Communicate

Games

Stardew Valley

Life is Strange

Other

Arcane

Creepypasta

♡What I will write♡

LGBTQIA+

Slight blood/gore

Angst

Song fics (only if I'm in the mood, though)

Smut

Most kinks (includes BDSM)

**I'm open to more, so just DM or ask me, and I'll see what I can do**

!!What I will not write!!

Transphobia/Homophobia/Queerphobia

Psychosis episodes

Body shaming/abelism

Slurs

Suicide/self harm/anything of that nature

Rape/Non-consentual sex

Smut of characters younger than 18 y/o,

Incest (direct or indirect), piss, scat, puke, mutilation, or dismemberment kinks

Side note:: I will always put 18+ warnings on smut, and TWs when necessary ♡

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rasazys-ramblings · 1 year

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Sorry for the rant/vent (whatever) but I feel like Tumblr is the only place I can turn to to talk about my problems, especially related to gender and sexuality, without someone I know making fun of me

I still remember my two day field trip for orchestra. On the second day after our concert, we got to go to a hot spring or walk around the area. There were two any gender changing rooms, but only one was open. There were six of us, including me, standing there, waiting to change out of our concert attire. I knew everyone waiting. I am an introvert who doesn't know anyone except my friends and the kids that the teachers always call on.

We stood there and waited for about half an hour to a full hour, I can't remember clearly, waiting to change. One transmasc, four non-binary, one demiboy. It was terrible seeing everyone having fun, but us stuck waiting for each other and taking turns using one changing room.

Sometimes I forget how much it sucks to be any gender other than a male or female in this world, and it sometimes makes me wish I was a straight, cis Asian woman, but I'm not. I don't want to be. But looking through everything, I no longer feel comfortable being nonbinary, omni, ficto, abnosexual, or aegosexual. But that's what I think I am, and that's what I've been trying to accept, but society won't let me and it keeps reminding me, along with my parents, my entire family, that I can't be, and I shouldn't be any of those. Everything is she/her, he/him, male, female, brother, sister, man, woman, ma'am, sir, it's driving me crazy and it makes me wish I never found out about other genders or sexuality, it makes me wish I never found out about lgbtq, and sometimes it even makes me wish I fucking discriminate people who weren't their assigned birth gender, and it's terrible because I don't want to be, and I literally cannot make myself be one, and it makes me sick knowing that this world has made me think that at all. I feel like no one should ever think that. No one should ever have to think any of that. It's disgusting.

I'll never, never forget the time when I was at a friend's birthday party and my mom asked how many boys and girls there were. I told her how many, but added how a few people were trans. She instantly started using correct grammar and punctuation. She never does that.

I also won't forget those times at the dinner table when I asked my parents, "Are you okay with gay?" "Are you okay with trans people?" etc. and how they said they were okay with it, but proceeded to say something that completely contradicted their "yes". Or maybe I just remember a time they were being phobic. Yeah, they might not realize it, but it's made me afraid to talk about it around them.

I wish it was easier to accept who I am. I wish it was easier for others to accept who they are. I wish society could be more friendly to us. I wish there were more people whose families supported us and their children, and could understand us better. But no. They can, the could, but they won't.

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raspberrybluejeans · 2 years

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given the birth of a second hyperfixation in this new era of mine i decided to try and think of all of the ones i’ve had before lol. long ass post under the cut

I don’t know the exact order of some of these things but roughly, and mostly categorized by what school I was in at the time because its easier to remember where I was spending my time thinking about these lol:

Robin Hood. (just elementary school I think) Just in general. Consumed anything I could find about him. Somehow believed I was his descendent 💀 I actually visited Sherwood forest and I can’t remember if this Started the madness or if I was already starting lol

Warriors (elementary and I think going into middle school a bit too) The king. the big one. It was my fucking lifestyle. Believed I was a cat in a human body. I had my dad preorder the books as they came out, they’d come in the mail and I’d read the whole thing in a day. I literally prayed to StarClan. I prosthelytized these books to anyone who would listen. I still proudly display the books in my room they are a part of my soul even if I barely remember particular events of them anymore lol

Fushigi Yugi (middle school I think) I don't know how tf I found this anime and I've never heard of anyone else talk about it before. I don't even remember what it was really about anymore. But I know I was making OCs and drawing fanart and had books of notes and little fanfiction things that I never shared with anyone lol. I vaguely remember that this show actually had a trans character, though its anime so of course it wasn't done particularly respectfully lmao. But I think its part of why it stuck with me so much at this time that my gender was starting to trans lmfao. (All i remember is the protagonist was going to get the ability to grant wishes at some point, and one character who was mostly seemingly male asked if she would use her wish to term him(?) into a woman)

His Dark Materials (middle school) I ate these books up and I liked The Golden Compass movie too, but definitely not as much as the books. I made myself a daemon and I am so sad to say I don't remember his name anymore. At the time I was still identifying as female so the daemon was a male lol. I think I had decided his settled form would be a Jaguarundi even though I was still a kid lmfao. I remember gently forcing my friends to make daemons for themselves too lol

Hetalia (middle school. pretty sure the hyperfixation was about done before starting high school) I don't know that I want to share much details about these dark times but I was so insane 💀

Star Trek (high school) I watched The Original Series when I was younger with my dad and I loved it but didnt particularly hyperfixate until high school, where I started also watching The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. Loved them all so much. Made OCs, fanart, etc. For some reason I never really got into shipping with Star Trek though. I've always said they feel like my family members so it feels wrong LOL. I do ship Spock and Kirk and stuff but it took me awhile to get into seeing actual ship fanart because it felt like seeing your parents kiss or something 😂 I remember I would draw little star trek things and look up lore and I'd talk about the different species and stuff to anyone who would listen lol

SuperWhoLock (high school) I sort of fixated on each of these more at random times, though I'm pretty sure that Doctor Who was the strongest interest of the three? I think I did cosplay stuff for all of them, fanart stuff for all of them. Read so much Sherlock fanfiction it makes me sick to think about now

Homestuck (high school) pain. OCs, fanart, cosplaying, everything. Parodies of real songs made to be about homestuck filled my song library. Madness

Marvel (high school and slowly tapered off into the medicated years lol) MCU, Xmen, comics, everything. I watched all the movies religiously and I had a subscription to the marvel comics app where you could read most of the comics or whatever. I LOVED The Young Avengers and I was sad that they never really made a movie or show for them, but I'm sorta glad they havent now. They would have fucked them up. I also loved the XMen First Class movie and was obsessed with Cherik. And I ate up all the MCU crap, I loved Thor and Jane. I just watched Thor: Love and Thunder which was my first MCU movie in quite awhile and the Thor and Jane stuff in it was kind of cathartic tbh

And then I was medicated 💀 The medication was good in some ways, but it seriously deadened all of my emotions. I just did not deeply care about anything or anyone and thought that was just part of maturing. The MCU movies getting worse and worse until they were unwatchable kind of crushed me and the urge to be interested in anything as well. The closest thing I had to big interests in this time was weirdly enough all games: Pokemon Go, Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, and Minecraft. Not full obsession but they took up most of my free time. But I sort of realized that most of my zest for life died around the time I started taking the medication. And the main reason that I stopped taking it was that when I forgot to take it the detox symptoms or whatever were so violent and it literally would make me sick for days just from forgetting ONE day. So I decided to stop taking them (I weaned off them slowly) and have mostly not regretted that decision. Now I get the thrill of hyperfixations again, which feel even more exciting after being numb for so long lmao

Our Flag Means Death. Obsessed obsessed obsessed. I think I may have read more fanfiction for these ten bitch ass little episodes than anything else before. I made the sideblog to allow myself to go full balls to the wall without flooding my main lmfao. I loved being a part of this fandom as it was born and it has been so much fun. I joined a discord server for this show and I love talking to them. Even though the hyperfixation has faded I still adore this show and I am SO happy there's going to be a season 2, I can't wait, and I hope the hyperfixation sparks up again when it comes out. I can't wait to tear apart every little detail again.

The Magnus Archives. This shit hit me out of left field. I was sad from my OFMD era being burned out and I was tired of all of my music and I decided to listen to this just for something to do. This shit grabbed me by the gooch and swung me around the room. I listened completely blind I had no idea what was going to happen at all and I am just fucking losing my shit. That ending literally has me eating drywall. And since it ended like over a year ago pretty much everyone else is over it now and I have no one to talk to and I'm losing my mind. Help. Help.

Notable shoutouts for things I really loved/love but they never fully manifested into like. obsession (at least they haven’t yet lol)

Animal Ark (elementary) I just ate up these books I read so many but didnt quite have enough lore to obsess over lmao

Animorphs (elementary/middle) not sure why this didnt really manifest into obsession. i own all of the books though, and still display them lol

Several random animes I no longer remember. (middle) There was some period where I'd watch any anime/read any manga I could get my hands on and have a brief little moment with that lol

Merlin (high school) loved it but alas. no insanity

Teen Wolf (high school) even closer to hyperfixation but not quite

In The Flesh (high school) I think this one almost could have been considered a hyperfixation but I got into it like. basically right when it got cancelled and it just SHATTERED my heart I did not recover for years I still live in terror from that

Welcome To Nightvale (high school) So I was MAINLY obsessed with the fact that the protagonist was gay and less so with the actual plot lol. I did cosplay for this though, I was even Cecil for Halloween one year. I want to restart listening to this soon, to give it another chance, since I have a new appreciation for spooky shit. Once my TMA era has faded lmfao.

Ice Planet Barbarians Series (I think I was reading these right around the time I stopped taking meds lol) I started reading the first one as a joke because it has a funny name and funny cover but I actually loved it. I loved the world and the lore and everything. It frustrated me in the end though because a) each book got too formulaic. Every book was a brand new couple. Girl I want to hear more about the established couples and their families and shit. and b) because gay stuff was almost impossible given the way things worked in this series lol. Anyways close but no cigar. I read at least 20 of those fuckin books tho

Howl's Moving Castle book series (Post Medication Modern Era) I fucking adored these books, they were so easy to read and the world was so delightful and funny. I wish there was more. But there was not enough lore or community for me to hyperfixate

The Hobbit & Lord of the Rings books (PMME) Fucking incredible even if they were very hard to read. I'm almost certain I would have had a full LOTR era if OFMD had not hit me like a train. So maybe this will happen eventually but I think I've been enjoying it The Normal Amount for a longer amount of time instead lol. I did also have sort of a mini era back in high school or something over The Hobbit movies but now that I've read the books those leave sort of a bad taste in my mouth lol

Black Sails (PMME) I was still too obsessed with OFMD when I watched this lol. This show was so good and had I seen it before OFMD I might have gone super crazy for it. I still think it was such a good story though.

Theres a good chance that I'm forgetting some stuff here but oh well lmfao. If you actually read all of this I give you a kiss on the lips

#ograt

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putonmyfavoriteshow · 2 years

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watched ep6&7 of Papás between yesterday & today - so much for my 3/3/4 planned binge, so far it's 3/1/2/1 🙃 overestimated my free time. Let me just say every time California cries, my heart breaks into a million pieces and highly anticipated ep7 did not disappoint...spoilers under cut

-The whole Diego/Morgan/Denisse triangle was pretty entertaining to watch (Morgan is such a dummy omg and Diego wants no part of his mess). And although I was rooting for my boy Morgan, I'm glad they all dealt with rejection gracefully. Tho was Diego catching feels there in the end?? Was a bit unsure. Anyway Denisse was so lovely! -I can't decide which dad I love the most? I love each of their relationships with California: Miguel always trying to be the mature adult in every situation for her benefit, Morgan always trying to cheer her up + his little nickname for her (insecta/little bug) :'), and Diego just being so fiercely protective of her and refusing to leave her side when she had her period?? -LOVED that she complemented the girl's quinceañera dress but decided that for hers she wanted to wear pants and less bright colors. I love our gender nonconforming queen!!

-I'm glad California is realizing that she has some abandonment issues. Obviously she's been looking at this reunion with rose colored glasses, but her realizing how the unknowns left behind by her mom and just the travesty of being dropped off like that without explanation omg my poor girl!!! (this girl's acting chops got me by the throat!) -And just everything about the period storyline was so good. Love to see that normalized and it was just written so well from all perspectives. And the way it tied into that ultimate realization that she needs further explanation from her mom. -Also I can definitely tell more now from the flashbacks how much Itzel loves California, but I too need more answers!! -Diego being sick of the ice cream song is an adorable gag and I love it. Also it's stuck in my head too now so I get it haha

#papás por encargo #la liveblog #ep6 #ep7

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taketwoinink · 2 years

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Brain has a lot of thoughts and I'm going to try to dump them here.

I get super duper uper lonely all the time and I think a lot of it comes from being nonbinary. Being misgendered and misnamed all the time is really isolating and disheartening and I'm really tired. I want to come out to everyone and I know I could and things would be rough but they'd get better and I could hopefully be an example and a support for other queer people but I just... it's not that simple. I'm always going "but is it the right time?" and asking myself so many questions and I know at the end of the day it's just my decision and that I get to make it however I want but I don't know how I want and I'm just uncertain on what to do.

I've also been stuck in this house for so long and I don't leave very often and I'm starting to go insane and fall into depression because I just need variety but I don't have it and I'm getting trapped in my own head. I was supposed to hang out with my favorite cousins today but one of them got sick so that got cancelled.

Also I'm just like actually so tired. Not emotionally or mentally or really physically but like you know when you don't get enough sleep and you keep thinking about how much you just want to sleep? That

I was struggling with writer's block. I'm pretty sure I got it because I was pushing myself to write so hard and so much and it just killed my creativeness and I got really stuck. And then I found a project I'm excited for! I've been trying to keep it very loose and low pressure and just go with the flow because I write best when I do that and I'm really enjoying it and I don't want to kill that. So I kind of made the decision to just dump the projects I've been pressuring myself to do that I'm not really feeling. Because writing should be fun and I first started sharing my writing for fun and community and friends and as a way to celebrate and reward myself for writing and I just took that too far so kind of scaling back. I do really want to write something so all my AO3 peeps can hopefully become my Tumblr peeps too

I'm really inconsistent on capitalizing tumblr

my family talks politics sometimes and it's stressful

We have an open door policy for my grandma so she can just dump everything and come stay with us if she ever needs it. And I love my grandma but she talks a lot of politics and queerphobic stuff and I don't like that and I'd just rather hear her life story because she's been through some truly crazy stuff and I know there's so much about her I haven't heard but yeah she's cool

I watch Survivor with my dad almost every single night. It's become our thing and I love it. I've struggled for a long time to connect with him and I still do sometimes but we go shopping together and on drives together and we watch Survivor together and that works for us and I'm happy. I haven't seen most of the seasons but right now we've been watching season 41 and there's a lot of black people and it's honestly been super cool to get to watch them and hear them talk about what it means to them as a black person to be there with other black people and see that sense of community. It's not something I can understand because I haven't been through it so I normally relate it to being queer because I do think there is some overlap in our struggles. There are similarities and differences and anyone who goes through both you're so strong and I admire you

Still on the Survivor thing. There's this dude, Ricard, and I've been rooting for him the entire time and he's the first dude I've ever felt gender envy towards (actually I think this is the first time I've felt gender envy) but I just want to be him and his aesthetic and I love his hair so much I want it. Also his husband is trans and I'm always drawn to the queer ones (duh) and so I like him for that reason too.

They've had a lot of good talks on the show about race and gender and stuff and they've had some queer representation but I want them to talk about it like they do the other stuff and they haven't yet and I'm a little sad about that

My mom made a milkshake this morning for breakfast and I could cry because I just don't eat so often because it's too hard and I don't know what to eat and brain just can't do it and today was going to be one of those days were I was just going to go hungry so I'm just super duper grateful for her

I pop my fingers a lot because of anxiety and it just helps I guess and they're probably gonna be old and wrinkly one day but welp

I listen to music like 24/7 because it helps cancel out noise-induced-emotional-distress and helps my brain focus and helps fight off my depression because if my music is happy then I can be too and I couldn't function without music or my sound-canceling headphones honestly

Does anyone else get triggered by human sounds like people sniffling loudly or clearing their throats or coughing? My brothers make those sounds like CONSTANTLY and I'm slowly going insane because of it I just can't they bother me so much and I don't know whhyyyyyy. My brother's done it twice just while I was writing this paragraph and I write fast

I'm a human disaster. I'm living on the edge of depression and death and dancing on graves and singing in the rain and weaving through the headlights and crying in the dirt and screaming at the top of my lungs and my brain is whirling and twirling and twisting and compressing and expanding and exploding all at once and I'm all over the place (all metaphorically)

I also just want to offer an apology to everyone everywhere for anything and everything I've ever done, am doing, or will ever do

I get cold suuuuper easily and I'm always walking around wrapped in a blanket, blankets are life

my cat is so cuuuute and I love snuggling with her and when she lets me press her forehead to hers that's always when I feel most loved and accepted and peaceful

I love love love my therapist to pieces. And technically maybe she's not my therapist anymore because my family is dirt poor and I'm too mentally unstable for a job and she doesn't accept insurance so we just stopped and that's a bad thing I know but she was honestly perfect for me. She had a bunch of animals and made me feel loved and I adore her cats and her dogs and we did a lot of hands on stuff and walked her dogs and her ponies and her miniature donkey and I got to feed her baby lamb she's taking care of and he's so cute and she has a sandbox and a bunch of random junk to put in it to try and illustrate your brain and we did tie-dye together and sometimes we'd just sit in the grass and I'd throw balls for her dogs and we'd talk and I got to help her catch her sheep so she could vaccinate them and we literally had to tackle them and grab their legs so they wouldn't bolt and I fed the goats once and they were so greedy and a lot of them like to be petted and they'll walk right next to you and you'll struggle really hard not to trip over them and I got to work with her horses and we practiced walking them in circles with a lead and making them back up and I hoped one day I'd feel like walking them but normally I preferred the dogs because I'm just more a dog person and sometimes she'd pet-sit for her brother and have his dog and she was so friendly and nice and she has like six cats and they're all incredibly friendly and talkative and they'd come when you called and they are so cute and loving and even after I stopped coming to her, she sent me a link for LGBTQ+ specific therapy stuff and I'm so freaking grateful for her, this random stranger who actually cares for me and who I'd call a friend and who has made me feel loved when I was at my lowest and didn't think anyone else cared and it kind of sucks because she was my very first therapist and I don't how anyone else could compare because everything we did was so perfect for me and it was loose and easy and I trust her and I felt loved by her by the dogs by the goats the cats the horses everyone and I could cry just thinking about it and I actually don't cry all that easily anymore and yeah, I really miss her

dang it now I want to cry

But just there's something powerful about the love of an animal and how accepting and nonjudgmental they are and they'll just sit on your foot and look you in the eyes and be happy cause you're there with them

I misgender myself so much so don't ever feel bad if you misgender me cause lol I do it too yep that's internalized transphobia for you my brain still defaults to 'girl'

honestly I think I just want to cry in general. I'm really lonely and stir-crazy and I feel so isolated and different and gross sometimes and everything's too much and I want to sleep but sleeping too much makes me depressed and I wish there was something I wanted to do that would make me happy because this feeling is gross and I don't want to feel this way. And sometimes you're just depressed and you've gotta roll with it and say "hey old friend depressed guess we're hanging today" but yeah it's just... not fun

There's this song on my playlist and I know it says "I'm just a sour note" but I always hear it as "I'm just a sourdough" and honestly I prefer it that

There's this other song and I know it says "her" but it sounds like "him" to me so I pretend it is so then it's gay

And there's this other other song and it's definitely gay in some way because it's sung by a guy and it's talking about "I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her" and so either it's talking about a dude or another girl but either way someone's gay here

that's all thanks for listening to the disorganized puddle of the inside of my brain and <3

#personal stuff #long post #thought dump #thoughts #my thoughts #my random thoughts #very random thoughts #all over the place #that's me ehhhh #nonbinary struggles #nonbinary #loneliness #should I trigger warning this somehow?#depression #anxiety #i'm so tired #i want to cry #my mood is just a tired sad teddy bear right now standing in the rain and wishing for an umbrella

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