#i learned how to love

[crucified-bloodhound]

being single for almost two years (not counting the gf i had in december, ill address that later) has made me learn a lot about love.

trigger warning - mentions of sa, eating disorders, and self harm

i've learned about how i want to love. how i want to be loved. what compromise is. what communication is. i have learned from the friends that i have made into family that love is not always easy. no one is perfect and no love is perfect.

i've learned what i'm not willing to take from someone. when i asked my ex to be my girlfriend, after months of talking, i drove 45 minutes for our first in person date. she commented on my body and what i ate at dinner. she made me do things when i clearly showed and said outright i didnt want to. we cuddled in my car in the dark parking lot of her hometown shopping mall and, just a few days after i told her i wasnt ready to do more than hug and lay together and hold hands, she pressed into me and told me she had a boner. just a few days after i confided in her about my recent lapse into my old habits of body dysmorphia and hitting the gym too hard and resting too little, she squeezed the fat on my hip and stomach. i learned that i don't have to say yes. that i dont have to pressure myself in my own head to lay and wait when i want to begin the long drive home north on 76 and through the lonely streets of my city square. i learned i dont have to be quiet and wait until i am calm to share my discomfort. i learned how to stand up for myself. i learned how to see the road through the tears.

i learned what is not worth doing because of pain. i learned i dont have to hurt on the outside to validate what's on the inside, to make it real. i learned how to talk to strangers kind enough to ask, with genuine fucking care, "are you okay?" and "what's going on?" i learned that no matter how many scars i have, no matter how stupid and small i feel watching them fade, that my pain has always been real. my pain is more than "big feelings" and "crying it out." i learned that there are people who care about that pain enough to let me sit in it, still and unharmed, for as long as i need, no matter how much they wish they could just make it go away. i learned that high beams dont work in the rain.

i learned that there are good people. not people that are inherently good or above me - people that want to be good. want to do good things for people who ask or need or neither. i learned that sometimes, people just care. there's no transaction in that. no expectation, no "owing you one," no long road of penance for being treated as both fragile and strong, both big and small. i learned the joy in letting someone pass me on the four lane busy streets and seeing the good old midwest wave through the back windshield.

i learned how to give. i learned that everyone else is in pain too. i learned that it is vulnerable in the most exalting of ways to offer up your soul for the family you choose. i learnes how to comfort my friends at college missing their parents two states over or halfway across the country, even if i dread coming home to mine each day. i learned to acknowledge how hard it must be to be someone else. i learned to opem my arms when a friend comes running. i learned how to warn my passenger before we hit a bump, brake fast, gas it hard, or turn sharp.

i learned that even on the shitty days, loving is the best thing for my soul. i learned that no matter how much ive bled or been hit or touched when i didnt ask for it or stared in the mirror for too long, that my skin is worth caressing, my body worth protecting, that i'm still a virgin if i say i am, that the reflection will always be worth smiling at. i learned of mirth. of pain. of how to feel good. that my body is still mine no matter how many people tried to take a piece of it with them and no matter how young and stupid i was when i let them. i learned that love is so much more than a peck on the cheek in the morning or water after sex. i learned when to pull over to breathe.

[mrtequilasunset]

Listen man, you guys can't be like "you guys need to be normal about asexuality" and then turn around and get weirdly judgemental when you find out someone doesn't have sex by choice. Like that's weird that some of you do that.

[gibbearish]

love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking

[phantomrose96]

The realest part of the Barbie Movie was when Barbie was like "okay but what if this hurts his feelings? what if this makes him sad? :(" after Ken stole her house, stole her car, and stole her agency, because as a woman you still have to second guess everything you do on the assessment of whether it might hurt a man's feelings.

And then that apprehension was proven right one million times over by the entire Conservative Internet Manosphere pissing and shitting and screaming themselves hoarse over Barbie daring to hurt a man's feelings.

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[lucidloving]

Isabel Allende, The House of The Spirits // Anne Carson, Red Doc> // F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Short Stories // Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous // 肉包不吃肉, The Husky and His White Cat Shizun // Bernhard Schlink, The Reader (trans. Carol Brown Janeway) // Heart Like Yours— Willamette Stone

[contactlessdrivethru]

there is something unique and deeply special about monkey d luffy as a protagonist. he’s overwhelmingly ADORED by the fandom. he’s consistently the most or at least top 3 most popular characters in the whole series. peoples takes about him are gushingly positive. and that’s… really uncommon.

a LOT of fandoms i’ve witnessed or been in have a tendency to favor characters other than the main character. especially in anime. the main characters are often written as a blank slate for readers/watchers to project onto, but that makes them not as interesting and so they don’t get the fan attention.

but luffy is so far from that. and he’s ALWAYS been this way. we love him so much. he’s the heart of the story and the heart of the fandom in every single way. and i think that speaks to how well-written he is as a character. he’s fun and charming and complex and interesting and he makes us laugh and cry and cheer and hope and love. he’s able to inspire so much joy in people, both in his world but also in this one. and i think that’s really special. i feel so grateful to have found this story that means so much to me, and i’m so grateful that luffy exists.

[proxycrit]

(I point. Gently, in the voice of somebody who’s mind touched by the outer gods, i whisper truth in your ears:

Your honor the horses are now lesbians

(Anyways here’s the designs)

[dandelion-roots]

[ID: a digital comic in two panels featuring bungou stray dogs characters. the first shows atsushi banging open a door and shouting, dazai-san! are you oka- the second shows a shot from the anime where chuuya is holding dazai against a wall by his neck. the text reads, homoerotic atmosphere, and four squares with text point out whats happening. they read, casual hand in pocket, chokehold, knife, and lastly um... followed by two sweat drops pointing at chuuya's knee between dazai's legs. a tiny panel in the corner shows atsushi covering his eyes with his tiger paws and blushing as he says, i'm sorry... end ID]

come here. crack open the canon with me for a minute. consider. what if atsushi hadn't listened to everyone telling him dazai would be fine and left to save him only to witness whatever the fuck was going on in that cellar. consider the bit.

[corvidayyy]

had to get this out of my head

[anatomical-puppet]

something about pets looking like their owners…… they’re judging you harshly

[turtletoria]

the amount of people i see that have started making south park fanart is astounding if i ever start doing that shit you gotta take me out back and shoot me

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[bakedbeanchan]

AU where Zuko doesn't practice helmet safety

[mizandria]

people make fun of the "oh you only hate her because she's a WOMAN" crazy feminist mentality but yeah actually you guys do only hate her because she's a woman a lot of times. for every hated female tv character there's ten male tv characters who are a million times worse and still given at least the "intriguing morally grey character" treatment if not straight up praise. for every hated female celebrity in real life there's one hundred famous men who have done worse and don't get half the hate she does. for every hated female politician, for every hated female historical figure, for the women you know in real life and on and on.

[temeyes]

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