#i mean there was also that 20 something woman and her same-age friend that said we looked cute together? guy and i were both uncomfortable

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

shout out to the people at the concert that saw my small and easy-to-knock-over ass at the (edge of the) mosh pit and kinda watched out for me by shoving away the two or three people that danced ruthlessly away from me before they could knock me over they are literally the best

[shaunamilfman]

Being Shauna Shipman's Controversially Young Girlfriend

Adult Timeline Headcanons

nsfw mention

Shauna’s been divorced from Jeff for a few years for the sake of the plot. I think she'd be a writer maybe.

Shauna definitely enjoys the confidence booster that dating someone in their 20s would give her for sure. Shauna is very confident in her own attractiveness, but the idea of pulling someone that young really gets her going.

At the same she'd be extremely jealous of you interacting with attractive women your own age as she'd feel strangely threatened by it in her more insecure moments. She's definitely the ‘pull you away to make out in a back hallway’ type. She's got you pressed up against the wall covering you in hickeys asking stupidly jealous questions that you're far too focused on the feeling of her mouth to answer. Like what do you mean “is she hotter than me?” You just shoved my hand in your pants?? 

Leaving the function looking like you've been mauled by a bear while Shauna glares at whoever happened to speak to you. 

Shauna is a jealous and possessive partner in general but older Shauna is on crack. you're lucky to ever leave the house without being covered in hickeys in various stages of healing. she wants you to give them to her too. there's just something about physical representations of “ownership” that drives her insane. She likes when people see you together and know that you're both taken. 

college freshman Callie coming home a few days early and catching you standing in the kitchen in nothing but boxers and her mom's old high school t-shirt. this leads into the most awkward dinner ever because Shauna needs everyone to at least be civil. Callie making snarky comments all night until you finally make one back mean enough that she reaches a begrudging understanding with you. she still takes every opportunity to mock the two of you unfortunately. 

"please please please let me punch Callie" / "absolutely not”

Shauna calls you her step mother as a fuck you whenever Callie gets annoying. she's so petty

god Callie’s all in your business all the time but i also think she'd also be the first to defend you if someone else said anything though

side note but TaiVan would definitely serve you food on one of those kid plates to fuck with Shauna. God she'd be so mad.

unlike my Lottie HCs i do think Shauna would be embarrassed to meet your friends. Like the absolute queen of communication she is she would tell you she was embarrassed of the idea, but would instead pick increasingly petty fights with you leading up to it. Shauna finally ends the cold war when she misses you too much and confesses how she feels about it. You've definitely got to comfort her by showing her texts from your friends asking about your hot milf girlfriend or something before she'll be confident enough to do it. 

divorced Shauna would be pretty experienced sex wise I feel. Shauna Shipman is a woman who enjoys sex and seems pretty confident in her sexuality. Given the chance she'd definitely be really into exploring it with different partners. Long story short is that I think Shauna is definitely a woman who knows what she likes, but would be very open to exploring things sexually with you if she didn't already know she didn't like it. Shauna's not very open with her emotions, but I do think she's very open with her sexuality. This is a woman who canonly agrees to furniture store role play i think she'd humor you in most things. 

writer Shauna for sure works from a home office and would go crazy about the idea of yall hooking up in there fr

Shauna would get off on the idea of teaching things to you even if it's not necessarily true. She'd definitely like it if you let her pretend she was teaching you how to get her off. Your comparable inexperience is something she really enjoys about your age difference. 

Shauna Shipman and pet names is a lethal combination. “Sweetie” this, “sweetheart” that, “is that okay honey?” shauna is so nurturing when given the chance she'd thrive with someone she felt like she needed to take care of

Older Shauna enjoying teaching you things extends beyond just sex. She likes to teach you how to cook things that you don't know by like hugging you from behind and resting her head on your shoulder as she directs you on what to do. Beyond that it also just makes her feel useful and she enjoys feeling that way. 

Shauna hits you up once a week asking how bluetooth works. Shauna's okay with technology but she's the slowest fucking typer. I definitely think Callie lies to her about what acronyms mean so you get the wildest fucking texts sometimes and she's like “what??” when your confused

Shauna loves when you steal her clothes. just lounging around her house in nothing but her boxers and her flannel and she's going insane. Shauna accidently misplaces your clothes all the time so you have to wear hers instead. “oh i must have put them in the laundry you can wear mine” but suspiciously there's already shorts and a t-shirt laying out on her bed. strange. 

she's loves making you dinner, or making you something for lunch every once and a while. there's something about watching you eat something she made that makes her feel important and valued. 

Older Shauna gives the best fucking hugs of your life bro. Coming home from a bad day and just sitting with Shauna while she hugs you so tightly you can barely breathe. Shauna kissing you on the top of your head while her arm is around you watching TV?? insane 

[crepesuzette2023]

So whats like the general consensus about Stu and John? Do we think they ever messed around or not?

Ooooh, I won't burn and scar my typing fingers on anything like "general consensus," and my cop-out answer is: depends on who you ask. I mean, if you're living in a world where 'a man being with a woman' = straight, or 'a man who never came out unequivocally as queer' = straight, then John and Stu very much never messed around, and, more importantly, didn't feel the desire to.

But I think if you look at it with an open mind, without being afraid of the possibility, you'll see it's more likely they did than that they didn't.

First, you have John, with his life-long romantic idea of being in love with your creative partner (see: his comments on Yoko and Paul)—an idea that fits Stu seamlessly, and perhaps even started with him. In the Hunter Davies bio, John (in '67) calls Stu Paul's predecessor in the 'my trusted partner in art' role.

There is also this conversation with Stu's girlfriend, Astrid Kircherr, as related by Backbeat director Iain Softley:

Paying tribute to Astrid this week, film director Iain Softley revealed her moving words from his interviews with her when he made 1994 movie Backbeat about her and Stuart’s romance.

They hint at a complex relationship between her, Stuart and John. She said it was only after Stuart died that she and John “took a load of pills” and talked for 12 hours about “all the things on our minds about Stuart”. “‘He was jealous when Klaus and I fancied Stuart more, and took him home and left John out,” she told Iain.

“He told me he really loved Stuart, but was afraid of the feeling.”

Iain adds: “I think she thought he meant as a friend, I don’t think there was any suggestion they were in a relationship. But Stuart had always been John’s best friend, they shared a flat in Liverpool. John would write to Stuart as ‘Jesus Christ to John the Baptist’, in the sense Stuart was showing him the way. He looked up to him.

“There was a sense John didn’t want Stuart taken away from him, he didn’t want Stuart to stay in Hamburg.

“At the same time he was very fond of Astrid, but I think there was a conflict there.”

If John was afraid of the feeling, then I'm thinking he felt something that, at the time, and probably still today, was a scary thing to feel. I'll leave it at that.

Also, they were, what? 18, 19, 20 years old? At that age, odds are you do fool around, even if you regret it afterwards. Nothing wrong with that.

Look at this picture of Stu (r.) with Astrid and Astrid's ex, Klaus Voormann. Klaus, who later said he and Astrid didn't work as a couple because she wanted him to be exactly like her image of him, and whose marriage (to a woman) was a platonic marriage of convenience, according to himself. We have now reached the beautiful stage of come onnn! "Straight" was at the party, but so were many others. These relationships were messy! That's awesome!

And how do we feel about John feeling up Gene Vincent, while Paul and George look on knowingly, and Pete Best blanks out? We feel joyous and unsurprised.

A word about Paul vs. Stu, since we're (sort of) at it.

It's possible (what an understatement) to think of their rivalry as sexual rivalry. This is, once more, hinted at in Backbeat, where Stu is more or less giving away John to Paul.

And yet. I think it was more than that. I think everyone, back then, was fighting for more than a bed-partner. They were fighting for their future, for a life unlike their parents'. Paul was fighting for the band, Stu was fighting for John to join him on his artist's way (even giving 'rock'n'roll' a try), and John..

John was, on the one hand, the person either of the others felt he needed in order to realize his dream. But on the other hand, he was the least decided of the three. He may have perceived that, within the trio, he had the fewest fall-back options: Stu had his obvious, much-mentored artistic talent. Paul had a possible academic future bwxt to his musical talent, plus a clear determination to make it in music. John had talent in spades, but perhaps less of a clear-cut idea of where and how to apply it. So he tried keeping both of them close...?

With fun scenes like these as a result:

John sure is feeling campy/cuddly, while Paul is incandescent with rage. A hot look for both of them.

In the end, we don't know if they ever did fool around. My usual reply in those cases is: I hope they did, if they both wanted it. I hope it was good.

I need to check out this book:

John and Paul look happy.

[rodeo-clowns]

Hi! I’m so happy your writing for Sarah Sanderson! Do you think you can write a thing about Sarah falling in love with the female reader… who’s apart of Becca’s friend group? Thank you!! :)

She's My Witch

Sarah Sanderson x fem!reader

A/N: Ty for requesting this, I hope it was to your satisfaction! I had to age up the character to 20 bc Becca and her friends are all 16 and I don’t think Sarah Sanderson should see 16-year-olds romantically even if she's from the 1600s. Sorry if this seems to drag on and if some things are exact to what happened, wrote this on my lunch break and I have a bad memory.  Also sorry this took so long my computer stopped working for a bit.

Word Count: This is 993 words, my biggest fanfic yet!

Warnings: Kissing, mentions of smut but nothing actually happens in the text, unproofread writing.

It was Halloween again, your favorite time of year. Not just because it was one of your best friend's birthdays, but because it meant that you could dress as spookily as you wanted and no one could say a thing, especially since you lived in Salem, Massachusetts. At this very moment, you were in Olde Salem Magic Shoppe looking for new crystals to buy when Becca and Izzy came into the shop. 

“Hey, guys!” You shouted, walking over to hug the birthday girl. You gave her a tight squeeze but noticed that she had a sad look on her face. “Oh no,” you said, turning to Izzy, “is she still upset over Cassie’s party?” Izzy looked at you with a look that said “duh!”

“We both are,” she sighed. 

“And so should you!” Becca said. You sighed, bringing them both in for a tight side hug. 

“Listen, guys…These kinds of things just happen, just wait until the party is over and she’ll realize that it was pointless to spend Halloween without you two.” You said, attempting to reassure them. That just made them look even more depressed. You sighed, “listen, I have to go feed my cats but I’ll be sure to stop by the woods just in time for our little yearly ritual!” That made them seem happy, knowing that you were still there for them. 

~That same night - the forbidden forest ~

You, Becca, and Izzy were sat in a triangle around a black candle. The full moon was out and you were starting to feel weirded out by the woods. You watch Becca light the candle and together, the three of you recite your usual birthday ritual. Once it's done you zone out, trying to not feel creeped out by being in the woods at night. You can hear Becca and Izzy bickering, something about the candle not blowing out. 

“Excuse me?” You say, “what do you mean the candle’s not blowing out just pour water on it!” Becca follows your instruction, pouring water on the unusual candle before it lights back up, leaving the three of you afraid. You blow it out quickly and begin packing up. The three of you walk a decent few steps before you hear beautiful singing. You start to run and before you know it, you run into three women. Becca and Izzy scream, but you stay mesmerized by the beautiful blonde woman on the left. Suddenly, you realize just who the three of you have run into.

“Holy shit!” You say. “It’s the Sanderson Sisters!

“Yeah, we gathered that!” Yelled Becca, slowly backing away, taking her hand in yours before sprinting away. You didn't make it very far before the sisters showed up in front of the three of you again. Already, they deduced that Becca and Izzy were teens, dismissing you. Well, not all of them dismissed you. The pretty blonde woman kept making eyes at you and even if she was kinda threatening to eat literal children's souls at the moment, you couldn't stop making them back.

You followed the girls as they lead the witches to the local Walgreens, tricking them into believing that skincare products were potions, watching as they gobbled them up. Eventually, they discovered that the three of you were lying and began chasing you around the Walgreens. You managed to escape without any of them noticing when suddenly a beautiful voice whispered in your ear, “where do you think you’re going?” You jumped. It was the blonde Sanderson sister! You recognized her as Sarah from all of your history lessons. 

“Uhh…Nowhere?” You said. She looked at you with a face of disbelief. You sighed.

“Look, please, just… don’t…harm my friends, I just wanna go home.” You said honestly. She looked at you with a teasing look. 

“I don't want your friends,” she said with a breathy tone, leaning in to whisper in your ear again “I want you.” She said, pulling back, smiling at you with a toothy grin. 

“M-Me?” You gasped. “Why?” You questioned. 

“You’re so beautiful why wouldn’t I want you?” She said like it was obvious. You blushed. 

“Wow uhh..Okay then,” you said, grabbing her hand. “You can come with me back to my place.” She seemed elated at that answer. 

“Oh we are going to have so so much fun!” she squealed, pulling you in for a kiss. You kissed back, the two of you entering a make-out session in the middle of the street. When you finally needed some air, you pulled back, smiling at her. 

“Come on.” You said. 

~The next morning~

You and Sarah spent the night together and falling absolutely in love with one another. At the end of the night, you ended up sleeping with each other, the two of you delighting in the bliss of being so close to someone so close to your heart. When you awoke the next day, she was gone. You got up sad and walked to Gilbert’s shop to start your shift. When you reached the door, it was unlocked. You shrugged and walked in to find Gilbert, Becca, Cassie, her boyfriend, and Izzy together standing there looking at you with expressions that read “What the actual fuck!” Confused, you shut the door behind you. “What?” You said, concerned that no one was speaking. Gilbert began to talk but Becca swiftly interrupted him. 

“Could you explain why when we did a summoning spell to bring Sarah Sanderson to the woods she arrived NAKED WHILE HOLDING HER CLOTHES TO HERSELF!?” she yelled. Your eyes widened comically. 

“I-I can explain I-” you stuttered, trying to think of a reasonable explanation when Gilbert began laughing, which prompted you to laugh as well. The girls looked horrified but you couldn't stop thinking of the beautiful blonde woman you spent the night with while crying laughing. You would never really forget her, even if you knew she was gone for good, your beautiful Sarah Sanderson. 

[emilover-1]

Mori isn't a pedo

TW: anime and manga spoilers, mentions of pedophilia, beast spoilers, light novel spoilers, official guidebooks spoilers

WARNING: my purpose isn’t to defend/justify/excuse/support pedophiles or lolicons, i have friends who have been victims of pedophilia and trust me the last thing i would do would be to defend/justify/support/excuse pedophiles and or lolicons.

CHARACTER SHEET

Basically, in his character information sheet, it says that he likes young girls, in JP it would have been young misses (幼女) but anyways, it doesn’t necessarily means something romantic, just like in the guidebook it can be platonic, after all theory, sweet red beans also appear on his likes, which- is a like in general but I believe firmly that it isn’t a romantic like, since Mori actually likes taking care of kids since in beast he literally runs an orphanage, so it makes me believe that it is a platonic type of like.

GUIDEBOOK

A lot of people didn’t understand this BUT, when he said about his favorite type is little girls below 12, doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic attraction, it’s a favorite type in GENERAL, we know that Mori likes taking care of children (beast) so it could be a favorite type as in platonic, and honestly, I believe it could be a reference to the irl author.

ELISE

Elise isn’t meant to represent Mori’s sexual desires despite the name, Elise is meant to represent his regrets, needs, and wants, nothing sexual here despite the name of the ability, I won’t talk a lot about the regrets because I already have.

In beast, Elise was a 20-year-old, but why? Because Mori didn’t need her as a child anymore, he already was running an orphanage so what he needed more was a helper, someone who could help him to take care of those kids, having another kid instead of a caretaker who could help him wouldn’t work for him.

A lot of people consider Elise a “victim” when she is an ability, she can’t really feel, she does whatever Mori wants her to, same with how she acts, she could be straight up a doll for him.

OMAKE

Omake 12, Mori says that Elise is his wife, however is that really what it should have said?

Bsd has a LOT of mistranslations, for example with Yosano in the Spanish version it isn’t specified who dragged her into the war, yet the English version says that Mori was the one who dragged her into the war.

In the JP version, it doesn’t say so, in the JP he says tsuma (妻), and while yes, if you put tsuma on the traductor it says wife, is the traductor really reliable? It isn’t. Tsuma goes from “side��� and “edge”, indicating someone who is at the side of someone else, tsuma has historically been used for someone/something by the side, it depends on the context of the situation but honestly for this context I believe it makes sense to use the historical version. Mori could have perfectly used Okusan (奥さん) that directly mean wife, again I believe it’s a clear reference to the irl author who give things to interpretation a lot of times.

CONVERSATION WITH KOUYOU

This again, is used a lot for “proving” that Mori is a pedo, but again, this is another of the mistranslations, in the chapter 37 in the EN version he says “I’m touched, but the only girls I protect are aged twelve and under I’m afraid” yet in the ESP version it says “I’m very happy to hear that, but I’m only interested in those under twenty, you know?” In the anime if you put the JP audio and English subtitles it says “I’m grateful, but I deal only with those under twelve” however if you put the English audio it says “I’m quite grateful for that, but I prefer the woman in my life to be under twelve” which- absolutely sounds weird however the JP version and the JP version, from what I understand says “I’m happy but my defense range is under 12 years old” So, the prove that a lot of people use are straight up mistranslation because on every language it is different and it even variates from the manga to the anime.

CHAPTER 65

Basically, in this chapter a lot of people think that Mori was a creep towards Yosano because he liked her, and I honestly agree he was creepy, but not because of that, let’s start talking about some panels. I want to talk about this one a bit "先週まで和菓子屋の店番だった妾をアンタが無理やり徴用したんだろ" it’s translated very weirdly since it basically says on the translator as "You must have forcibly conscripted the mistress who was the keeper of the Japanese sweets shop until last week." but knowing the context I translate it to "You forcibly drag me, I was the keeper of the Japanese sweets shop until last week" however the translations are very weird, and even more because the kanji “妾” means concubine or mistress, but anyways, let’s go to the next panel.

The anime did a very bad job with this panel too, in this panel Mori says, “Such a strong will….” While having tears in his eyes and apparently, a nosebleed, however rather than being a nosebleed because of Yosano per se, its because of the strong will she has, the confidence she has. Mori represses his feelings due to being the pm boss and going always by the logical solution, in a lot of times he has been shown with regret on his face, an example being the fight with Fukuzawa, so I believe that the nosebleed is because of admiration while the tears are because of him deep down wanting to have that will. Also, his expression changed when looking at her before having the tears and nosebleed.

Next panel, basically a lot of people think that mori has an attraction towards Yosano because of this panel, in this panel he says “よ·さ·のくん私の与謝野君がお気に召したかね?” which means “Did you like my Yosano-kun?” which- does sound creepy, and I won’t defend that, but rather; I will explain. Mori wasn’t the only one who acted that way towards Yosano, other soldiers did too, but why would they? Because she was useful, with the soldiers I think that it was rather admiration for such an ability but that doesn’t change that the way they acted is weird. Mori not only admired Yosano due to her strong will, but because of her ability too. She was useful to war, and therefore she should not be attached because they could not only end up having hatred towards her which would cause her mental health to be worse, and or those soldiers could get killed and it would also affect her mental health. Sure, Mori did abuse her however it was never his direct choice to, sure shooting someone in front of her and forcing her to heal them did affect a lot on her mental health, but we also have to understand that going by Mori’s logic it would be better if she was willing to heal them without the necessity of them being at the border of death (it is shown that she COULD heal minor things).

DEAD APPLE AND LOLITA COMPLEX

This topic is very connected to the next one, so let’s start. In the Dead Apple intro, Mori is shown as someone with a Lolita Complex (ロリータ) and also in the Omake 12, let’s see what Lolita Complex mean; The term Lolita originates from the book Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, we are not going to talk too much about this right now since it will be talked ahead. The English term refers to a man who finds young girls, mostly fictional sexually attractive, yet the Japanese one is different, it comes from positive idealization and romanticization of girl’s culture. I would also say that even though Asagiri said that Dead Apple is canon, I wouldn’t consider EVERYTHING from Dead Apple as canon due that Asagiri didn’t write it.

LOLITA AND LOLICON

To give context, Lolita comes from the book by Vladimir Nabokov, it touches topics about pedophilia, the protagonist being the pedophile towards his stepdaughter that has 12 years in the book and 15 in the movie, the term “Lolita” is used a lot for little girls or teenagers in porn. In Japan, the term Lolicon comes from the book Lolita, Lolicon refers to obsession, liking or attraction towards little girls coming from fiction. Which brings us to question; Can Mori be considered a Lolicon? The answer would actually be no, I used to think that Mori was a Lolicon, but analyzing it he wouldn’t be considered as such. Does he show attraction to Elise? No, taking in account that he isn’t attracted to little girls, and that he didn’t call Elise his “wife” where does the thought of mori being attracted to Elise? It comes mostly from the dark era in the anime version where he is dressing Elise, and honestly the anime did a bad job at this scene. In the light novel, he wasn’t just dressing Elise, in difference he was scolding her for throwing the dresses while running naked, but even if we go with the anime version, there wouldn’t be anything rare since he isn’t blushing or anything else.

CONVERSATION WITH FUKUZAWA

Omake 12

A lot of people, yet again misunderstand some of his conversations with Fukuzawa and use it as “proof” to say that Mori is a pedo, yet misunderstanding is again big. Firstly, the Omake. I believe that Fukuzawa either answered like that because of a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding because; Mori says that Elise is his tsuma, and since it technically does mean wife, Mori saying “Ah, that’s the response that hurts the most!” could mean that he either said it before or he said that on purpose even though it could be misunderstood. I can understand Fukuzawa’s reaction as a misunderstanding, and the next panel makes me think that even more, Fukuzawa says that he will report Mori, yet he didn’t, which makes me think that Mori told him that Elise was his ability afterwards

Chapter 30

In the chapter 30, during Fukuzawa and Mori’s fight, Fukuzawa says “相変わらずの幼女趣味か?” towards Mori, and yet again the mistranslation is very big. The word “趣味” usually means hobby, interest, fondness and even sometimes affection, which is very different to say that it is a fetish, in some translations it even says lust which not necessarily means something sexual but most of the times it is used for sexual things, so I do not understand them using those words.

ABILITY

First, to start about the ability part, we have to state what it has been said in the anime, manga, and even light novels; Abilities are tied to the soul of the user, it reflects the pure form of the user, but what does this has to do with anything? A lot of people use as an argument of mori being a pedo his ability; Elise being a child and the ability name being Vita Sexualis, which honestly at this point I’m not surprised, but as I’ve said before; The book isn’t an erotica despite it being cataloged as such, the book is about the sexual encounters of the protagonist named Shizuka Kanai which is like a autobiography by the author. He quote on quote suspected that unlike the rest of the human race, he might be indifferent to such sexual desires, so why is it named Vita Sexualis? Again, it is about Life and Sex, yet a erotica has to awaken sexual feelings, but the book HARDLY does that, so I do not think it can be considered as an erotica, it surprises me how so many people assume that just by the name.

Thank you for reading my analysis! The first two topics are inspired by some post of plinko mori, and the lolita complex is inspired by this doc!

[merv606]

You pointed out something so true. Some that are adamant at admitting T/anner and M/ary and are “just friends” comes from the fact they don’t think someone as fit as T/anner could date her. They cannot fathom in their mind how he could date someone that doesn’t fit the “standard”. And like, they’re basically the same people and there’s a reason they have been best friends for so long. Like, it’s been on my mind for a while and you hit the nail on it.

I sadly believe one of the reasons they don’t confirm their relationship is because of the increasing hate she’s been getting. Like, some people on this fandom already hates her for playing Sam (because of their own misogynistic ideas) and project that onto M/ary, but she’s been getting massively bullied for a while now because she gained some weight and doesn’t dress or acts to feed this celebrity idea. TikTok is unbearable but it has started to migrate to Instagram. It’s been terrible to watch. And I think it’s also the reason why she quit social media and isn’t as open with her life anymore.

I saw some videos of her at the red carpet for CK 6 and I hope I’m wrong but she seemed a bit uncomfortable and it breaks my heart because she’s a beautiful woman with eyes to die for and it’s so refreshing to see a healthy standard body on TV because we are so often feed those “beauty standards” that don’t represent real woman. Plus, she’s on her late 20’s. We don’t lose the weight as easy as before and she’s a type 1 diabetic which means losing weight is already hard. She cannot get into a crazy diet to fit people’s beauty standards.

It’s very sad but a big majority of the CK fandom act like incels on the internet.

To put in perspective - this is what they are calling fat!

THAT IS INSANE!!!!!

Now, you should’ve called anyone fat or make fun of them for their weight, or call them names etc but that girl is not overweight. Not by a long shot.

Bigger than she was when the show started six years ago but that is life. We age, we change.

It kind of reminds me of Florence Pugh TBH and how she gets called fat etc and some truly vile stuff just because her body type isn’t typical Hollywood.

Now, I will say, I’m not sure if the CK wardrobe knows the best way to dress her now TBH as a lot of season six outfits seemed to highlight it. Hence the explosion of hate (in no way is that an excuse just an observation). Who knows, maybe it’s deliberate - god knows they don’t know know how to dress Ralph either 🙄

I think they look at Mary’s face - which is round anyway - and as someone who has a round face I can attest that ANY weight gain will go straight to it - and that she’s filled out.

Social media will be the downfall of society - the lack of manners - how to be a decent human being - reverting to the dark side of humanity because you can hide behind anonymity and it’s just getting worse and worse. It’s like some people are now longer able to realize this is reality - they just see a video and there is a disconnect there - that these are REAL PEOPLE! IDK - above my pay grade but people no longer know how to people.

Look at all the posts here now on how to have decent manners - and common sense - which ain’t so common - on how to interact with people.

I come from a time primarily when, if you wanted to insult someone - you had to do it to their face. Now people don’t have to atone for their bad behaviour unless caught. Not saying people weren’t cruel then either but it makes a difference. People can be ruthless regardless, but the internet has made it more anonymous and acceptable.

Now matter what her weight, she is still absolutely stunning and I don’t think Tanner is suffering any hardship what so ever lol

To quote what a good male friend of mine said to me before - if you ever want a thigh gap just let me know. I’ll put my face down there 😆 and that is not an isolated sentiment.

Stunning!

They are just too cute!!!!

[coolfire333]

I'm not a Jane Crocker expert at all (so if you happen to be then please jump in with your input especially if you also like problem sleuth) but as a canonical problem sleuth enjoyer I find her very interesting as I am also a big fan of the comic so here are some thoughts I have about her in relation to how I think she might interpret problem sleuth as a comic

I think she would relate a lot to Hysterical Dame upon first reading the comic but would vehemently deny this and says to others that the character she relates to most is Problem Sleuth himself.

I think she sees a lot of herself in male characters, particularly "hardboiled" detective types (her wearing of fake mustaches and masculine hats, her chumhandle itself referring to her as a gumshoe) and will deny comparisons to female characters because 1. she has always found the more masculine side of herself to be more interesting and 2. comparing herself to men lets her ignore the more unflattering sides of herself, while if she compared herself to a woman she'd kinda have to face that head on

Point 2 is something I myself did with Jane back when I was her age and reading post-scratch homestuck for the first time...if asked which (human) character I related to most back then I'd instinctually say John (or Jade but imo Jade is a much "neater" female character to relate to compared to Jane), but when the alpha kids were introduced I found myself really hating Jane, in retrospect because she reminded me too much of myself in a way that felt uncomfortable to read about. She was messy and flawed in similar ways as me but as I grew older I realized we actually had a lot in common that was positive, and in part I was overly harsh on her because of my own internalized sexism.

If Jane was male and has all the same traits I'd probably have been like "wow such a good character this is literally me" but because she was also a girl the whole "disconnect with the ugly sides of self recognition through the other" was not there, and I had a strong "oh no" reaction to what felt at the time like a caricature of myself at my worst. But now that I'm older (especially since I'm no longer Jane's age when I read about her in homestuck lol) I'm definitely owning up to the fact that I do relate to her a whole lot

Point being, Jane herself absolutely does the same thing with Problem Sleuth/Hysterical Dame, where she initially idolizes PS because of his maleness and the comfort that identifying with that brings her in comparison to HD's femaleness (and hyper-femininity in particular). HD is shown to have a hot temper and she disregards authority and directions similarly to how Jane does in homestuck, so I'd say they're more similar than Jane is to PS, and that makes Jane VERY uncomfortable

Jane wants to play the brooding, clever noir Sleuth, and here she goes identifying with the helpless, quick-to-anger Dame, a woman fueled by her irrational, strong emotions. However stereotypical HD is portrayed in the comic, she is equally as powerful, and I think Jane eventually realizes that when she gets into her 20s and is finally done with being a hormonal, overly emotional teenager and owns up to enjoying HD and also relating a lot to her as a character

Like yeah HD is a hotheaded stereotype at surface level but she also cares deeply about her closest female friend, NB, and she and NB deal some of the most powerful blows in the comic to their enemies (and they aren't total idiots or goof off half the time like the men of team sleuth)

Sidenote but something can be said about Jane and Roxy being analogous to HD and NB, with reference to NB's relationship as PI's mirror. PI has a high imagination, which requires alcohol to boost, and if the problem sleuth women have the same vim/pulchritude/imagination stats as their male counterparts, this means NB also has a high imagination, and perhaps a high tolerance or even a fondness for alcohol, which could mirror Roxy's alcoholism in homestuck. The imaginary world's abilities also kinda give me void vibes with the way you have to think imaginatively to conjure up things vs Roxy "appearing" up the matriorb with her void powers, among other things, but I am also not a Roxy expert so take that with a grain of salt.

Jane and Roxy are also probably the closest friends out of all the alpha kids, and HD is almost always seen with NB and the two are implied to be good friends, at the least, so I think they both form a neat pair of "really close female friends who also are really overpowered tbh"

Anyway yeah that's my (slightly-delayed because I forgot my original points trying to write this yesterday) Jane/problem sleuth essay :)

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

Now that I think about it... I just remembered that interview with the 16-year-old Queen "groupie" lol that was a bit... weird. At least I thought so when I read it.

Oh, you mean that glorified Wattpad fanfiction presented as an interview on AO3 supposedly with someone who knew the band in like 1971 from a rando who had zero actual proof of anything they said and covered their ass for any and all blatant inaccuracies with, “lulz I did a lot of drugs so my memory is shit!!!” I’ve never seen “my brain is fried from drugs” used as a reason to trust someone’s account lmfao. Like, that doesn’t suddenly make you a reliable source 😂 (Of course, this could just be a convenient excuse.)

Yeah, in case anyone reading is confused, a froger shipper claimed to have been an original Queen groupie in about 1971 and, in addition to other things, hung out with the band at 16 years-old and went to a Pride march with Freddie, Brian, and Tim. Guys. Come on. Do we really need to go through why this is like something straight out of a self-insert fanfic?

Freddie was the oldest of the band at 24-25 at the time, my age; I’d rather get gout than hang out with a 16 year-old, and I think most people in their 20s would say the same.

Tim was not only not so much in touch with Brian, Freddie, and Roger by this point, but according to sources his fans have found, he wasn’t even in the country at the time.

A deeply, deeply closeted Freddie Mercury who was forcing himself to be with women in 1970 wouldn’t have gone to Pride. He never even went once he was out. Brian would not have gone, either. It’s still uncommon for straight people to attend Pride, let alone in 1970, mere years after homosexuality was decriminalized. The “groupie” was like “oh it was the time period for young people to rebel and go to marches!” but applying that to straight people going to Pride is ahistorical, and Freddie was notoriously apolitical! He didn’t even vote! Plus, Brian didn’t get involved in politics and LGBT rights until much, much later in life.

They said other sketchy stuff, too, things which didn’t line up with the timeline with Freddie and Roger’s Kensington Market stall, for example, but that’s^ the fakest shit out of the bunch, from what I remember. The whole thing was ridiculous. They also claimed the groupies low-key shipped the guys…in 1971. Again, yeah fucking right 🙄 Gay shipping culture, which is still a niche irl, was not popular then. It’s so fanfic-y. Instead of “I was adopted by One Direction” it was like “I was friends with Queen and they thought I was super cool and I shipped them” lol. I think this latter part might’ve been to further cover this person’s ass, to provide a believable excuse for why a senior citizen who knew the real people involved would be reading froger fanfiction in the first place.

I think that blogger who posted that woman’s story believed her, but I also know I’m not the only one who didn’t lol. I’m not accusing the blogger who shared the person of lying at all. I just see no reason to believe that person. This fandom has a lot of weird people and I can absolutely picture someone making this up for 15 seconds of fame on AO3 lol

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, MAY 31, 1999 I’m feeling a little down tonight. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s cuz the onset of June has us not too much further into the prep work as the coming of May did. Perhaps I’m feeling angry at God, once again, for cheating me out of my right as a woman to choose whether or not to have a kid. Perhaps it’s cuz I know this is the last day of not having assholes just a few feet away from me. At least, I think it is, even if I don’t vibe it, cuz not only is tomorrow the 1st, but I think I might’ve seen one of our new neighbors. The shocking thing about it is, is that she was white. White doesn’t mean better, though. Not when you’re a renter and not when you’re just a few feet away.

At just after 4 PM, Tom and I saw a new car with a couple in their 60s, accompanied by what must’ve been their daughter. I couldn’t tell her age for sure and I couldn’t see if she was pregnant. This one didn’t exactly look all that young, though. She might’ve been in her late 20s. Even her 30s. I thought the car might be too dazzling to be that of a couple that old, but Tom says differently. Well, Tom knows cars better than I do, so I trust him. I saw no kids, but I know the city isn’t going to rent to someone without kids. I suggested to Tom that maybe the people got it by word of mouth. Maybe someone with a city friend offered the house to them to either rent or buy, but Tom says they aren’t allowed to do that. Well, I know the older couple aren’t the ones to be moving in.

Since the couple drove that woman that tells me that she probably doesn’t have a car. So, I guess that means that like with the bitch, all her cronies will be running over here to see her and to take her places, huh? But is this who’s moving in? How many kids does she have? Does she work? Have dogs? Maybe tomorrow will tell. It only seems logical that someone would move in tomorrow, but again, my vibes just don’t say so. I see something going on, though. Perhaps the city will mow. Perhaps they’ll come back to see the house again. Or someone else will.

Anyway, it didn’t appear that these people had keys to the house. They pulled up, went into the carport, and tried to see into the window, then into the backyard, then a few minutes later they walked towards the front of the house, then left. They could’ve gotten into the house from the back, but I don’t think so. The good thing is that I don’t have a bad vibe, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in for rude noisy assholes. Remember, the bitch and company didn’t start off so bad. I didn’t even know anyone came to look at the house and was moving in till a couple of weeks later when I first heard that cock’s bass. I had asked him if he was a worker there when I went out and uselessly asked him to turn the music down. That’s when he told me that they’d been slowly moving in for a couple of weeks. Same with the Mormons. They were fine the first week or so.

The owners were across the street working on the house again. There’s still a paper on the door. Probably an eviction notice, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s gonna come back and claim it.

For three days I had close to 2000 calories and awoke at 109 pounds. But today, I had just over 1000 calories and woke up at 111 pounds. Nice, huh?

SUNDAY, MAY 30, 1999 Tom did a wonderful job trimming the tree in front, but even so, that's all he did this weekend so far, and this is something that needs to be done anyway, moving or not. He also brought some of the stuff we have out back, like the old sink, an old little table, etc., to the alley for bulk pickup, but there's still plenty of stuff in the backyard. I guess we'll really need a dumpster right before we move! That alley fills up fast.

I'm surprised I haven't heard from Paula. Well, I hope her birthday went well.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 1999 Tom said he saw the owners of the house across the street come to mow the lawn. I just hope that whatever comes next over there isn’t worse.

This is the second day in a row I woke up at 109 pounds after I had been waking up at around 111 pounds for a while. Tom says it’s cuz of the exercise. Well, good. Then I can eat more. I had to have had about 2000 calories the last couple of days, so I was surprised to wake up at what I did, and I doubt I would’ve had I not been exercising.

Later…

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately. Stuff on the Titanic, crime, natural disasters, rescues, etc. Every now and then I still check out a movie if I can find something appealing enough that I haven’t seen. It’s just that new movies are scarce! I swear they must make only 50 new movies per year. It really sucks.

Anyway, I’ve got one taping now, nonetheless, and hopefully it’ll have a good enough plot mixed in with the pregnant women having babies. And the TMs (typical males) with their so-called “ideal women.” That to them is a slim girl between the ages of 12 and 16 who’s very short, yet magically has endlessly long legs and big tits.

There’s gonna be a 12-episode Law & Order marathon on Monday. I’ve seen all I care to see on that show, but maybe I’ll tape it anyway just to see what episodes they run.

My vibes on next door have been accurate since that bitch left, but I wonder about Tuesday. You could say I kind of sense something then. Maybe someone won’t be moving in that day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the city came to mow.

After mentioning to Tom how I’d miss never seeing Goldie and Al again, he said he felt I’d see them again. When I asked how he sort of shrugged, and then I asked if he thought I’d see Dureen and Art again. He said it was possible. Oh, is it? If so, I told him, it’d take a major backslide mentality-wise on my part. He said he didn’t say that. I asked what he meant then, but he wasn’t sure, I guess. Well, let’s just put it this way - knowing what’s good for me, I hope I never see these people unwillingly (which I don’t see as a possibility unless they broke into our house) and I most certainly hope I never see these people willingly. I’d like to think that I’ll always have self-respect and good judgment with whom I associate.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 1999 Still no renters. Tom said there’s a note on their door and that he thinks they’re being evicted. I told him so. I told him they were running. I won’t miss their constant comings and goings, but what if what comes in next is worse?

Why in the world don’t I have a bad vibe concerning next door? I should. But my logic and my vibes aren’t the same. Tom’s logic says they’ll move in tomorrow. My logic says they’ll move in Tuesday the first. My vibes say my peace isn’t threatened.

Tom thinks that whoever’s leaving us next door’s paper is someone who regularly cruises the area and lives down towards the right of our house. He thinks they see the house is empty and don’t want it to look that way to passing homeless people, so they put the paper on our doorstep as they’re walking back to their house. They’re obviously too lazy to carry it all the way to their house. Know what I ought to do for the fun of it? These papers are delivered every Wednesday. So maybe, once I see the paper over there, if there’s still no one living there, I’ll leave a note on the paper itself that says, Are you going to leave this one on our doorstep too? That ought to surprise whoever our little delivery person is.

Doe and Art did what I put at the top of my list of guesses as to what their next move would be. They didn’t call back. I figured they’d leave their number for me to see and go by that. Now that they see that they didn’t get a response from me, they may ignore me indefinitely. Long enough to get out of here, anyway. Then all I have to do is take the chance that the letters to Tammy’s kids don’t spawn off calls from Tammy, but if they do, they do. All I have to do is just ignore them.

Got a letter from that art school for training at home in art. They graded me an 85, saying that if your score is between 80-98 you qualify for training. They say they’ll contact me, but if they try to call, they’re not gonna have any luck. I gave them a bogus number. If I don’t hear from them by July, I’ll contact them. I’ll take Tom’s suggestion and find out all my options, but even if this course were free, how would I get jobs afterward with no car living where we’ll be living. It’d be hard even if we stayed right here, and remember, I can’t even keep a fucking schedule. So, my life’s options are pretty limited as far as jobs and huge responsibilities (such as kids) go. Tom thinks they’re legitimate, though, and he plans to take this same art test when we move to see if they tell him the same thing or not, but he thinks he’ll score lower than 80. They tell you if you’ve scored lower than 80, to keep practicing, and then take another test.

Later…

Just did the first part of my workout. I do my abs first, then my legs. I haven’t been doing too much with the arms. Just a couple of exercises, including push-ups.

My theme changer’s working again. We’ll see how long it lasts and what gets fucked up next.

Andy is going to get some more notes from me after all. He had wanted me to make up new notes for him to distribute, but I was too lazy to do so, so he had Michelle do it. Well, Tom got more colored notepaper. I pulled out a sheet of each of the 10 colors for my dream notes, so I’ll stick that in with Andy’s stuff.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 1999 Woke up to an unwelcome surprise. When I went to check the Caller ID box, guess whose name and number were there? Art O’s. And guess what else? They never did change their number. Right before I cut them off, their area code changed. So, when I went to chew them out about Larry last winter, I was dialing the right number, but with the wrong area code. I’m glad that I forgot the new area code at the time, cuz it would’ve been a total waste of time to bitch them out about Larry, themselves, or anyone. Like it would’ve changed anything? Yeah, right! I still do intend, though, to send them and Larry that stuff when we move, although I’m sure barely a paragraph of that will be read. With my luck, they won’t have that natural curiosity of wanting to see what others are going to be reading about them, even though I’m just bluffing.

Anyway, there was no message, so I don’t know which one of them left the message or why they were calling, but I’ll bet you I can take a damn good guess! Let’s see…we want to call and act like nothing went wrong, be nicey-nicey for a while, then go through the same old cycle of bullshit, huh? Not this time, Doe and Art. Not this time! Of course, I don’t know how long it’ll take them to see that yes, I’m dead serious this time. They really did blow it for the final time last summer. It truly is over forever. Well, sort of. I mean, I’m sure they’ll try again, but obviously it can’t be that important and nobody can be dying or else they’d have left a message. It could go the other way around, though, too. There’s a chance they won’t bother calling back cuz they know I’ve got caller ID. There were times in the past that I’d call them back after seeing their number on the box, even when they didn’t leave messages. They may now say to themselves after placing this one call, “OK, we left our number on her box for her to see. Now that she knows we called, she can decide from here whether or not she wants to talk to us.” Well, I decided that last summer.

Who the fuck is taking the papers that are left in next door’s driveway and placing them by our front door? I asked Tom for his theory, but he had none. I do. I think it’s the collie people. But why? To be a nuisance to us? To not let next door look empty? If they wanted to gather up the papers to keep next door from looking empty, why can’t they just throw the papers in their own damn recycle bin? Why give them to us? They’re the only ones I can think of that’d do that to us. They’ve got to know that the anonymous letters about their dogs came from this house. The Mexicans had to have discussed me, and then they had to have put two and two together. I hope I can spot whoever’s doing it to settle my curiosity and prove my theory right or wrong. I won’t do anything to them for it, though. After all, it’s just a newspaper, and not eggs or spray paint or anything messy like that.

Yesterday I put together a whole 500-piece puzzle.

Later…

I thought about it some more. Yes, thinking and analyzing things is my favorite thing to do! It could’ve been Dureen calling to say that Art’s in the hospital (with him expected to live). She could be using that as an excuse to patch things up for another round of abuse, knowing how much closer he and I were than she and I were. Well, if he’s sick - I’m sorry. I’m sorry if they’re suffering in any way. However, they still need to forget about me and move on. Nothing we can do can stop people from getting sick or dying. I’m standing firm ground on my decision. I don’t want anything to do with them.

There’s also a chance that out of sheer spite, they were calling to accuse me of something I didn’t do that they know I didn’t do. Or maybe one of their many enemies fucked with them and they really thought it was me.

Damn! It’s coming up on June and we haven’t scratched the surface of the prep list. My October vibe may very well end up turning into a January vibe, then an April vibe, and then the bitch won’t get her shit forwarded to her.

Later…

Boy, has my computer been doing weird things! It’s been totally hexed! First I get the virus, and now, the screen saver/color theme/wallpaper changer program is fucking things up. Last night, my themes quit changing. They couldn’t even be changed manually, so Tom had to reinstall Windows. Ironically, the thing’s working again, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that there’ll be no more downloading or adding new programs to my computer for a long long time. Not if all it’s going to do is cause such hassles.

Walgreens is getting pretty incompetent these days. I called in a refill for one of my inhalers yesterday. They made it up when Tom went to pick it up today, but they claim I never called.

There’s been no one at the renter’s house since the day they played load-up last Sunday.

I forgot to mention that part of the reason Tom’s getting a raise is that, as he says, he complained about the way things were at work, as he learned from me. Well, it’s true that you have to speak out to get results at times. They hired a couple of new people and this is supposed to be his last week of overtime. Yeah, right! We’ll just see about that, cuz I say something new will come up to tie up his time. It just seems that God wants him to never have enough time here at home. It’s bad enough that we’re bound to this house for another God only knows how many more months, cuz of lack of time in which to prepare it to sell. And thanks to a certain selfish bitch who doesn’t give a shit about helping us. God, I wish that lady would hurry up and drop dead! But nope. In fact, she’s doing well enough to be going to California with David and Evie. Maybe even to Michigan to see her sister. See, people should listen to psychics more so than doctors. The doctor said she’d be going belly up last February, while I said that that won’t be happening till around August of 2000 and look who’s been right so far.

I don’t have a bad vibe for June 1st being just around the corner, and I should. Especially if those freeloaders, or something similar enough, are to be moving in that day. That tells me, along with a vibe that began last night, however weak it may be at this point, that perhaps the city is looking to sell that house (although I’d think they’d put up a for-sale sign). That means constant barking, but I’m prepared to deal with that too, if I have to. Not just subsidized freeloaders or their music. Anything that moves in there, be it black, white, or purple, is going to mean noise from kids. That may not be such a problem depending on their ages, or it could be a problem. We’ll just have to wait and see, cuz as you know, the kid that lived there wasn’t a problem. It was all the kids who’d visit that were a problem. And then again, dogs may be a problem no matter who moves in, be it renters or owners. I don’t know what to think anymore after seeing a carless, working bitch live there, then a jobless Mexican with a nice van come to check the place out.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 1999 Tom got a 10% raise and will be making just over $26,000 a year!! That’s great.

Another messageless private call today. Again, it could very well be a business, but it could also be Michelle doing this so Andy could throw me off, cuz I had told him that as far as I knew, any private calls were from him, but I don’t know.

Woke up at 7:30 this morning with some cramps after falling asleep at 3:00. I took an ibuprofen, but what was weird was that an hour later, I woke up with more cramps and had to take two ibuprofen. I fell back asleep till 2:00, so I guess I needed it. The only trouble is that if someone moves in on the first, my schedule sucks for it. I’ll be woken up for damn sure that day.

I watched an old stalker movie I’d seen before and an autopsy documentary, and then I completed the day’s workout. I finished one of the four puzzles I got, but before starting another one, I think I’ll go relax with the current book I’m reading which is Stranger in the House. No, I’d better do the dishes first and get that out of the way.

TUESDAY, MAY 25, 1999 When I got up I said to myself, I bet you have your daily message from Paula waiting for you. Sure enough, she left a message. She said she got the video, so that’s good. That’s all she said, though.

Also, in case I didn’t already say so, Andy didn’t mention any of the things I left him messages about when he called a few days ago from Springfield. That’s Mr. Into Himself for you, but he’ll rebel when he gets back and he’ll challenge or try to alter my views as far as Tom’s mom goes, or someone on my side of the family. The problem with Andy, though, is that he doesn’t listen. Do you know how many times he’s brought up manufactured homes being flimsy and how many times I’ve had to tell him that yes, ten years ago they were, but once they recognized they weren’t sturdy enough, they made them sturdier and are built of the same materials your houses and apartment complexes in Phoenix are made of?

Today and yesterday there was a messageless private call. It could be a business, but why do I have the feeling it’s Michelle calling, per orders of Andy, just to keep things going phone-wise?

Sounds like the kids are still in school.

MONDAY, MAY 24, 1999 Today’s the day. Seven years ago. It’s been that long since I left the NHA.

If I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I’m soooooooo sick and tired of babies on TV. Like I said, in the 80s, all you saw on TV were drug busts. In the '90s, you’d be hard-pressed to find a show/movie with no one having a baby in it and it really gets old. I guess they felt they should really change subjects to something good, that most people can relate to. Well, even if I could relate to it too, the same old, same old gets old. I find myself less and less tolerant of the same old shit these days. I don’t know if Dureen and Art’s lack of tolerance has rubbed off on me, or if it’s just because, or what, but I’m tired of people having babies in everything I watch, which isn’t very much to begin with in the first place. So, since I rarely watch TV, it’d be nice to be able to enjoy something without the same old shit in it for a change.

Later…

Paula left yet another message today. God, she’s calling more often than Andy! Almost every day. I didn’t think she’d be such a pest since she’s long-distance. I didn’t think she’d have the phone to be a pest with most of the time, since she, like Fran, had a habit of ringing huge phone bills up and losing phones for months at a time. The whole time we were neighbors, she didn’t have a phone.

My waist is 27¼, my hips are 36, and my thighs are 21¼. I wish my waist, hips, and thighs could be 24-34-18, but that’s not going to happen. Tom says I’m going down all over, but since my upper stomach’s going down faster than the lower, it seems like my lower stomach’s not going down, but it is. Well, I hope he’s right and that it will go down some more, cuz I don’t feel like it’s gone down since I initially lowered it a bit. In fact, sometimes I feel like it’s gone up since then, so maybe Tom’s right; my upper gut going down some more makes it seem like my lower gut’s come up. My upper gut has definitely gone down a bit more. That we can both see.

I can’t wait till these braces come off, cuz then I can have carrots when I get hungry for a snack. They’re heavy compared to other vegetables like lettuce, so they’re somewhat filling, and they’re under 50 calories. Well, they’ve got 91 days to go, as long as they don’t decide to play appointment games on me again and reschedule me three fucking times. To go and schedule someone else when you’ve already got someone scheduled is totally rude. Anyway, the screen saver program that lets you put your own pictures into their effects is a countdown screen saver. Sixteen images I’ve selected flash by one by one as it counts down. So tomorrow, the same pictures will flash by, but it’ll tell me I’ve got 90 days to go in the corner.

Tom was headed out to trim the tree out front, but as we know, not being able to find things is his favorite pastime and he couldn’t find his fucking saw. Instead, though, he threw some old newspapers into the recycle bin. I’m so sick of the daily papers being thrown in our driveway. We don’t need them, we don’t want them, and we didn’t ask for them.

He slept from early morning to early afternoon, then went back to bed late afternoon. He doesn’t have to leave till 12:30, but he told me to get him up at 9:30.

He gets me an exercise mat if I ask for one, sports bras, almost anything within reason, but see? If it’s sexual, he doesn’t care to lift a finger to so much as try to meet my request. Well, I asked once and I’m certainly not gonna ask again. I have a feeling that’s what he’s waiting for and hoping for, but sorry, I’m not gonna beg my own husband to go down on me. I can see if I asked him to do something he didn’t want to do and he came out and told me so, but to just ignore a request from his wife to do something I know he’s capable of doing, tells me just how vindictive and selfish sexually he can be.

The blazer returned yesterday at 7:30 and played musical doors and loaded up for an hour, then left. So far today, I haven’t seen any vehicles over there, so I’m still guessing that they moved. They just did it in a weird way. Then again, these people are very weird, period. Well, I won’t miss their door slamming, but like I said, if it were next door, it’d be about as bad, maybe worse, as those damn blacks were with their door slamming, but I still don’t know for sure if they moved. I’m just glad they’re across the street and not next door! As for next door? I’m not sure what’s going on. My guess is still that someone will be moving in on the first, but what about that peeling carport paint and the overgrown grass that needs mowing? Are they gonna come out and do that first? We’ll just have to wait and see, I guess.

SUNDAY, MAY 23, 1999 These renters get weirder by the minute. They didn’t run, apparently. If they’re not coming to get some things they left in the house, then they did go on vacation. But why the need to pack things in several truckloads for a vacation? And why the need to come and go loading or unloading shit like they’re doing now? I can’t tell if they’re loading or unloading one of the vehicles now, but they’re doing something. Maybe they’re just hanging out in their vehicles. The people of Arizona have a strange way of doing that.

OK, I just got a better look and it looks like they’re loading the pickup. If they’re moving, what a strange way to move by moving stuff, then waiting a couple of weeks to move more stuff. The red car was here earlier, and now the Blazer and the white pickup are here. These people are more complicated to try to figure out than the blacks were with all their vehicles and their comings and goings. I still hope they don’t move, though. They may be into a lot of door slamming, but it’s across the street, not next door. Also, they don’t have a dog that barks non-stop outdoors. If they move, I could very well end up with a typical outdoor barker.

I’m loving every minute that next door stays scum-free, cuz I know it’s just a matter of a few days now. By the first, in comes the scum and back comes all that stress and lack of peace. However, I now know how to deal with these people! So, be it by the city or by my fists, I will set these people straight. They’re not gonna shit on me left and right like the blacks did. It definitely means having a dog to deal with if the city sells it, but as I told Tom, maybe that’s just what the city’s working on now, although there’s no for-sale sign up. Tom said he doesn’t see why they’d sell it cuz the law requires them to have a certain number of subsidized houses. Yeah, there are a lot of lazies out there.

Tom did more than I thought he’d do over the weekend. I thought all he’d do was just pick up the brush out front, but he did that, he removed the old ugly awning from the front bedroom window, he cleared the back patio, he filled in the AC hole in the back room, he spackled holes and smoothed the kitchen walls and ceiling, and he even drilled a hole for Mary and Dave’s new TV. Yeah, I knew them winning that would mean a job for Tom. If they get something, he has to set it up for them. Tom felt he owed her that for tagging along for so many hours the day they bought the new car. He still has another job left, though; to put an up duct in for them.

He got me some really cool computer presents, but as usual, there are problems with them. I can’t fully use them, I mean.

He got some ghost stories for me to read on the little computer to read myself to sleep, but he lost them, I guess.

He got a really cool program that lets you make your own screensavers. They have the basic effects and you add your own pictures. Some bounce, some fly, some distort, and they do all different kinds of things. There’s a 3-D cube too, and I made one of Gloria’s pictures, Norah’s, and the animals. What’s also cool about this is that you can set timers so that your themes, screensavers, and your wallpaper automatically change. The screen saver changer won’t work, and I don’t like their wallpaper changer as much as Tom’s, but the theme changer is so cool.

Yesterday we went to Walgreens. The prescription department wasn’t open when we got there, so Tom had to go back later to get my water pills. While we were there, though, I picked up 4 puzzles. Nothing spectacular. Just boring landscapes. However, they’re fun to do. I also got a couple of sports bras and they’re great. Not just for exercising and bouncing all around, but for any time.

Paula left another message yesterday with a whole different story. First she tells me that if I send anything to the 663 box, it’ll be returned to me. Now she says she’ll still get it, and that she just put in a change of address for the other box. But why change boxes? And why can’t she get her facts straight? First it’s this, then it’s that. She’s driving me nuts! Also, I thought that being long-distance, she wouldn’t bug me so much with the phone. Boy, did I think wrong!

I was also correct in assuming Andy would waste his time and money to call me just to tell me that he got my messages and is having a great time. Well, I’m happy he’s having a great time, but couldn’t this have waited?

Later…

OK, renters, come on. Let’s hurry up and wrap up whatever it is you’re doing. Your door slamming’s getting on my nerves. You’re lucky you’re not next door!

Later…

Good. The vehicles have left. I’ll enjoy the half-hour they’re gone since I know they’ll be back to play car doors all over again for another couple of hours.

Just checked my email. Kim’s jokes are getting dumber by the minute. What’s happening to her?

It just dawned on me that Andy never mentioned getting that letter from me. I’ll have to ask him the next time we talk, if and when I can get a word in edgewise.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 1999 God, I’m getting tired of these phone games with Paula! I’m gonna ignore her for a while, cuz I’m tired of the phone tag, and right now, I really don’t have anything to say to this air-head. Meanwhile, her video’s gone out today. She either gets it or she doesn’t. You know, I might not get the mail I sent to the wrong PO Box returned to me after all. It may go to that box, but whoever uses that box will be the one to get it. As long as you send something to an address that exists, it doesn’t matter what name you use.

I thought of something funny, but I’d never do it, cuz if I got caught, and with my luck I would, it’s a major felony. It’s just something funny to think about. I could get a change of address card and send Tammy’s mail to Larry, and another change of address card to send Larry’s to Tammy. Lastly, a card to send Dureen and Art’s to one of the houses we used to have in Longmeadow. Or perhaps the old cottage at the beach. Maybe even Judy and Al’s house in Springfield.

I’ve taken to writing my dream notes in an unusual place. The next person to buy these books will be like - what’s this? I’m writing the notes at the beginning or end of the book where you usually have a blank page or so, or a page with just a few words on it.

Oh, those fucking assholes that complain people hate them and then wonder why! Real winners, I’ll tell ya. Yes, they really are oh so mature and great for society. Great for each other, too. If it had been me to answer the door yesterday, there’d have been trouble. Especially if it were before I fully understood what was going on. I was in the bedroom with the fan on when I came out to pee and saw Tom up. The Mexican guys woke him up by coming to the door and asking where the car was.

Gee, where the fuck does he think it is, stupid fuck of an idiot!

I asked Tom if the stupid shit asked for the $50 back and he said no. Meanwhile, the little fuck’s truck was broken down on the corner. See, I thought the little fuck was trying to imply that the car was gone before he could get it, and that he was gonna ring the doorbell again and demand his $50 back after Tom told him he gave him the title and the keys, so it’s not his problem. That idiot is very very lucky that that wasn’t the case and that it didn’t ring this bell, cuz I’d have wanted to pummel the shit out of it. This shit totally reminds me of the Puerto Ricans and their scams on Oswego St. I was fuming! Anyway, what we think happened is that the shithead was double-crossed by its so-called pal. Tom said there were 3 of them that came to look at the car the first time. So obviously, one of them decided to beat the others to it. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I mean, they even shit on their own selves, not just whites.

As I said, it brought me right back to Oswego St. How could I have been so damn naïve?! So fucking stupid?! I know it’s senseless to get all pissed off at something that happened over a decade ago and that cannot be undone, but still, it’s hard to help it at times. The first thing I should have done was to take better care of my place so that those fucking Puerto Ricans Nellie and José couldn’t have ripped me off. But since I was too stupid to keep them away from my apartment and me away from them, I should’ve kicked ass. That surely wouldn’t set them straight and scared them off of the idea of fucking with my checks or boxes. I also never should’ve cashed those stolen checks she had, but I had absolutely no idea that if you cashed bad checks you had to pay for them. And I didn’t know they were stolen, but I should’ve. I shouldn’t put two and two together.

I try to remind myself there are good and bad in all kinds, but it’s so very hard at times. When that black bitch and her associates got on my case, I tried remembering Steve, and when Mexican scammers get me riled up, I remember Gloria.

There are sooooooo many things I’d do totally differently if I had to do them again. Well, you really do live and learn!

Another thing I can’t help is my daily bitter resentment towards God and his control. I try to ask myself how I can hate someone who’s given me Tom and so many other great things. Besides, I don’t even want a baby anymore. But that should’ve been my choice. Not his. Not unless I was some murderer or something of that violent nature. I’m glad things worked out as they did, but why did I have to go through all the suffering I went through? To me, God’s taking away a woman’s right to have a child if she wants to is the ultimate punishment you can inflict upon a woman. It’s cruel, it’s vicious, it’s heartless, and the worst thing you can do to a woman. It’s even worse for him to do that than it is for him to allow a woman to be raped. It may be traumatic to be raped and it may do some serious, lasting emotional damage, but the rape is only the rape while the actual act lasts. Demanding a woman be childless is forever. All her life she has to deal with that and with having her choice taken away from her, but a rape victim only has their choice taken away from them while they’re being raped.

Still no one next door. God, I can’t believe it! It’s so weird. Maybe they are planning to sell it, but I don’t know. The grass is getting to where it needs mowing. Also, Tom says that by law, the city has to repaint the carport area where the paint is peeling. With a city-owned house, the city can do what they want.

Later…

Just got a private call with no message. Was it a wrong number, a business, or perhaps Michelle, ordered by Andy to call me while he was gone, just so he could know he got my attention while he was gone, too?

Why do I work so hard for so little? All these crunches just to have such a paunch! The upper belly’s fairly flat. It’s the area between the belly button and the bikini line that’s the problem. And this is no subtle little swell, either. It’s a very defined bulge. I really don’t think I can flatten it any more than I already have, but Tom thinks I can in time.

Later…

I love my new exercise mat! It makes a world of difference to my back and joints. It really cushions the back, knees, and hips. It’s a piece of foam 60” long and 22” wide with a burgundy cloth cover. You can unzip the cloth and take it off to wash it. Just like when I exercise, it keeps the woolly carpet from bothering my sensitive skin. It also keeps me from making odd-looking impressions in the carpet.

I left Andy a message for when he returns, saying there have been some setbacks, so we won’t be moving this summer. In fact, I exaggerated it and said we’d be here another 6-12 months (we better not be!) so all the more he’ll be surprised when we leave.

I also told Andy that it’d be nice to hear about him when he returns. Not about God. He can talk about God all he wants, just some other time. First, let’s hear about his vacation and about what he did. Save God for another time. I know I’m totally wasting my time, once again. Even though I asked nicely, and I never said that he couldn’t talk about God ever again. It’s just that it gets so old and it’s so sad to see him so delusional. How can he kid himself about God like he does? It’s like, I may as well believe that this monitor is real and is looking out for me and is oh so loving and all that. Or one of my dolls, or a pair of scissors! We all can’t help what we believe, but God’s just a fictional character in a fairytale, as far as I’m concerned. At least, the kind he believes in.

I don’t have any more puzzles to do, so I guess I’ll go read some more of Haunted. Or maybe I’ll print out some stuff for this month.

THURSDAY, MAY 20, 1999 I’ve been getting bruising along my spine, so I’m gonna be getting an exercise mat to cushion my back today or tomorrow.

Lisa tried calling me collect 6 times yesterday. I risked Tammy answering and called back, although I assumed Lisa was calling cuz she was alone, and quickly told her, “Lisa, I can’t talk to you. Hunt me down when you get on your own. I love you. Good-bye.”

But she’s trying to get a hold of me today, too. Isn’t she supposed to be in school? See, I’m just afraid to call. I don’t want to risk Tammy answering, and for all I know, Lisa’s aiding Tammy in some shit against me. Meaning, Tammy may’ve talked her into calling me collect and saying she’s in some deep shit to try to manipulate me to do something she wants me to do. This could be about Dureen and Art. I know, though, that if these people died or Tammy had something she really wanted to say, she’d call and leave a message. Still, I think it’s best I ignore Lisa for now. I hate to do it and I feel so mean and guilty, but I know that anything Lisa has to tell me will just get me down and maybe bring some unwanted, shitty memories along with it. She’d obviously mention people she knows like Tammy, Bill, and others, and I don’t want to hear about them. I don’t want to know them from nothing. The thought of their names makes me sick. It really does.

Later…

My guilty conscious finally got to me and I wanted to explain to Lisa outright what I planned to do. As I knew she would, even though knowing this didn’t ease my guilt, she understood that my cutting off Tammy, Larry, Dureen, and Art has nothing to do with her. She understands why I can’t have Tammy and the others in my life anymore. As I told her, though, don’t let my decision influence her. I told her that just like I have to do what I have to do, so does she. I told her that as far as she’s concerned if anyone ever asks, she hasn’t heard from me since April of 1999. However, as I told her, I’ll be hunting her down at some point when she’s in her 20s, but she cannot, under any circumstances, give whatever our number and address are at the time to anyone. She can’t let anyone know we’re still connected. I told her we shouldn’t risk calling each other and that if she calls this number in a few months, it’ll be disconnected. I told her we plan to stay in Arizona but that we want to move outside of the city.

All Lisa said, who was suspended for refusing to take a test, was that she was miserable there. I know she is. I told her, I know exactly how she’s feeling, but she has to just tough it out a couple more years, get her diploma, then get out on her own. I told her that when she does get an apartment of her own, to list her number as Lisa A. G. I told her to tell her sisters, once they get old enough to understand, that just because their aunt had to go away, she never blamed them for any of the family problems and she always loved them.

Maybe in 5-10 years from now, Lisa can come to our house out here be it to live or to visit, but again, as she says she understands, she can’t tell anyone where she’s going. I suppose the worst that could happen would be that her mother and her associates find out our number and address, try to call/write to get me back into their sick little circle, and I just play deaf and blind to it all. Just like I would right now if Tammy left me a message saying she just wanted to move on, she wouldn’t pressure me, let’s be friends. Even if that were true and we could get along, I’ve done my time with Tammy, just like with Larry and their parents. It’s time to move on. Period. Time to cut the connections to so many horrible events. I don’t need the reminders and the sad memories that these people bring. I just feel so bad for Lisa! I know the desperateness, the helplessness, the frustration, the anger, the sadness, and the hopelessness she’s feeling right now. Trapped with a bully of a father and a negative bitch of a mother. She wants to get out of there so bad that she said she was gonna get an apartment with “Joe” this summer. I reminded her of how her mother wanted out so bad too, and look where that got her. I told her to do it right, even if it takes longer.

So, after a few minutes of talking, with both of us in tears, I said that it may be a long stretch in between this conversation and the next, but that I loved her. She said she loved me too, and that was it.

I’m glad we talked one last time and that I laid things out on the line for her. I just didn’t like the idea of ignoring her calls for the next few months, then just disappearing for a while, even though she’d understand. I know she knows what’s going on. Next week, I’ll send Becky that birthday letter and letters for Lisa and Sarah, too.

First the doctor doesn’t call me back most of the time, and now they’re not calling the pharmacist back. I phoned in for refills on my water pills, but they haven’t heard from the doctor. Tomorrow, if I don’t get a call from Walgreens to come and pick it up, I’m gonna call the doctor’s office and give them a piece of my mind. I’m gonna set them straight for once and for all and make damn sure they know that when I call them, I expect a call back. Same goes for the pharmacist.

Later…

Well, it may not have been the doctor’s fault after all. First I called Walgreens and they said the doctor still hadn’t called back. So I called the doctor, and after being on hold forever, I spoke to the manager. She soon called me back saying Walgreens never called them and that that happens a lot with Walgreens.

Tom was visiting his mom today, and as you know, she’s the central source of family news. You can usually find out what’s going on with the family by asking her. She says David and Evie are renting a house in San Diego and we’re invited, as well as the rest of the family, to rent along with them, but Tom declined. Neither of us is interested. I mean, we’re not interested in visiting them in the next town over, so we certainly wouldn’t want to do it the next state over.

Ma also says there’s supposed to be a new bee repellent out. Something you put on yourself to keep bees from coming towards you. Yeah, right! None of the bee stuff we’ve tried worked.

Got a bad PMS back this month. I took a couple of ibuprofen but I doubt they’ll help.

Believe it or not, I’m really getting sick of Paula. So much so that I might cut her loose, too. Maybe I really really do need to just wipe the slate clean and start over in a new place with new people. I’ve lucked out a few times with neighbors, but the bulk of my friends haven’t been all that great. I’ve been basically hexed in that territory. Anyway, she’s just a ditz. A real fucking ditz! I left a message on her machine about a week ago, telling her that the PO Box address I have of hers is number 663 but then she leaves a message saying that's not what it is. Thanks, Paula! Now you tell me? So, I guess I’ll be getting a couple of pieces of mail returned, but I ain’t resending it.

Also, I know the mailman’s fucking around as usual, but I’m tired of this I’ll-send-you-pictures shit. I don’t need to play games like this and you know my opinion on talkers versus doers. Don’t tell me what you’re gonna do, just do it.

Lastly, I’m tired of her screaming at her kid while we talk, threatening him, telling me she slapped him, etc.

So putting all this together, I sat and thought about it, and I asked myself, do I really want someone this stupid and this aggressive for a friend? Someone who doesn’t know what she’s saying half the time? Who beats her kids and is in and out of jail? She’ll do nothing but fuck up the information she gives us about coming out here and she’ll have us running around the airport for hours, needlessly. She’ll make Kim, Alex, and Phil seem like the quietest guests and come between us.

Just like with Andy, a part of me will always love Paula. It’s just that the cons are overriding those pros once again and I don’t need it. I just don’t need it. Period.

Tom and I have evolved to the point where he’s not going to get all jealous, hype things up, tell me he no longer loves me, tell me to leave, and say things happened that never did, but you never know. I had no idea he was going to react to Kim’s visit the way he did. It was totally out of character for him and totally unexpected. He completely fooled me that time, whereas except for that, he’s not really all that full of surprises. But even if she didn’t come between us, she’d be enough of a hassle to deal with and we don’t need it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 1999 Yesterday the muscles under my arms and at my sides were sore from push-ups. Today the backs of my thighs are sore.

I ran to the phone yesterday as soon as I heard the long-distance ring to see if it was Paula or Andy calling to tell me stuff that could wait till he got home, but it was Tammy’s number I saw. So I picked up the receiver and put it back as quickly and as gently as I could. The fact that the person didn’t call back told me it was probably Lisa. If you’re gonna call someone collect as she does, you don’t usually try twice in a row. If you’re gonna call a second time, you usually wait a while. If the person called right back, then I’d think it was Tammy cuz she’d probably think it was a faulty connection with the way I quickly would pick up and put the receiver right back down. So all she’d hear was a click. Not someone picking up, then hanging up. I know because I’ve done this with Andy. Sometimes I’d see his number, and I’d pick up and hang up out of annoyance, especially if he’d been calling like hell, but then he’d call right back leaving a message saying the connection didn’t quite make it or that my machine cut him off. The machine part is occasionally true, though. Sometimes our machine really does cut people off.

Still no renters across the street or people next door.

The Mexicans took the old car.

Thank God that hoop is down. Some non-white girl just went by with a smaller girl, bouncing a ball. They’re waiting for the school bus. They let them take balls to school? This girl has gotta be in junior high. Maybe even in high school. Aren’t these little animals getting out of school soon? What’s sad is that we’ll probably still be here when school starts up again in the fall.

Thank God the kids are playing ball in front of the old man’s house, which is like being two houses away since a house could fit in between ours and his. Would I be yelling at them to stop if they were in front of our house? Nah. Not since school is coming to an end and since we shouldn’t be here more than 5 more months. If it were September and if we had no plans to be moved soon, then yes. I’m sure it wouldn’t stop them unless they dropped dead, but it’d feel good to yell at them for it, anyway. But why did they come to the bus stop a whole 20 minutes early? Then again, maybe a bus passes by at 7:00, so they’ll be just 10 minutes early. There are 3-4 buses that pick up kids and drop them off at different times in the mornings and afternoons.

I hope the dream I had was not a warning sign of any kind. I hope it wasn’t a premonition of anything to come. The reason I wondered, though, was because of how I dreamt last December 28th that the freeloaders moved. Then 3 months later that happened. I also dreamt I was in the house after they moved (even though it looked nothing like it does in reality. It was a 4-bedroom, 2-story house with hardwood floors like you’d find back east). Well, after they moved, I was inside the house. However, there’s no way the place will remain empty for 3 more months, so if this dream, or any other one, does hold any clues as to the next people in there, it’s gonna happen sooner than August 19th. More like June 1st.

You’ll find this in my dreams file, but anyway, I dreamt that 5 white kids moved in. When I say “kids” I mean kids between 18-20 years old. They had their music blaring away and I went over there and threatened to have them evicted if they didn’t shut up.

There are two things about this dream that cannot happen. There’s gonna be people under 18 living over there once whoever moves in moves in. Also, they’re not gonna be white. Not unless someone buys it. No matter who’s in there, no matter what color or lifestyle, 3 feet away is just too fucking close, so it’s gonna be noisy either way. If you get owners, you get dogs. If you get renters, you get music.

If the dream I had before this one ends up a reality in any way, then things might not be so bad. This dream consisted of a white man, woman, and boy of about 10, and these people seemed more mature, more stable, and not apt to blast music.

Remember how I said I saw the blue van for a few minutes next door when the city wasn’t there? It could be that instead of the kid going into the house for something, she went in back to get something I threw over there. In fact, it’s doubtful at this point, that she was bringing anything over. I’d think she wouldn’t bring shit over this far in advance.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 1999 Tom told me earlier that he knew this was going to make me mad since I get mad when people win things and we don’t, but Dave won a big-screen TV from a drawing they had at work. I’m not mad. I’d be mad if they won a gorgeous doll they didn’t give a shit about that I wanted, but anyway, he and I aren’t destined to win anything big. Also, if he thought it’d make me mad, why’d he tell me? Would he find it amusing to see me mad or jealous? I’ve often wondered about this.

I saw Melanie yesterday and the doctor, too. I asked the doctor how much longer on the braces. As usual, he started off being vague about it, but after a few minutes, he finally answered the goddamn question. He said it’d take 10 months to really get things lined up perfectly, but only two months to tie up loose ends on the things we set out to do that I’ve already pretty much accomplished. So, they’re coming off in 12 weeks! On August 23rd. In 4 weeks I go back for the usual check-up, then again 4 weeks after that, then I get the braces off in another 4 weeks.

Melanie says she doesn’t like her retainer. You don’t have uncomfortable knobs sticking out that you have to wax, but you feel like you’ve got a wad of gum stuck to the roof of your mouth and under your tongue, and you talk funny. So, it sounds like I’ll be swapping in one misery for another. I’ll have to have the retainer for two years. All the time during the first year, then just at night.

I told Melanie how I was bummed she wasn’t around the last time I was in, cuz of the T-shirt I made for her to see. She said I could’ve come and gotten her, but I didn’t want to bother her. She said she liked my “cute little dress” and could notice the weight I’d lost. She told me she goes to the gym after work.

When I got home I printed out a rat picture, a couple of mice pictures, and a few different pictures of myself. One from when I was really skinny and one with my hair just past the shoulders when I was 24. I’ll give this to her the next time I see her.

My hair’s now to the middle of my ass when you don’t pull the curl out, and to the tops of my legs when you do pull it out.

Later…

I wonder how Tom’s back is? Good, I hope, but no matter what happens from here on out, I’ve already resigned myself to accepting and believing that we’ll be here till the fall. Maybe even as late as the end of the year.

I’m enjoying my time off from Andy’s calls, not that he’s been pummeling me with a lot of calls lately, but still, it’s always nice not to hear from him these days. I’m not looking forward to his return, that’s for sure. Cuz then I’ll have to sit on the phone for two fucking hours while he repeats the same old shit over and over again, talking in annoying slow, broken, intermittent-like sentences. I’m sure 80% of what he’ll have to say will be all about food and God. And then because he’ll be baked, he’ll call the next day and the next and leave a million messages about what he spent those two hours telling me about, cuz he can’t fucking remember that he already told me about it! Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh! And who knows how much the little pig will be stuffing his face when we talk. Sometimes I wonder, though, if he conveniently forgets things just to have an excuse to call and tell me something on the machine. God only knows he has no life and not much new ever going on. So, when you have nothing new to tell, you usually go back over old shit.

I hate Andy, man, I’ll tell ya! Well, I don’t hate him, but I’m really sick of him!

I got a kick out of how he said he felt the same way after I told him I felt superior to others. How can a loser like that feel superior? He can’t hold a job. He’s a druggie. He’s loveless. He has immature druggies as friends. His life is exactly as it was a decade ago. He just lives in Phoenix, that’s all. He’s got these grand delusions about God and is totally clueless as to the fact that if his “friend” were really all that wonderful, the world would be a much better place. He wouldn’t always be in such a stagnant rut. Maybe he’d have love, a job he could hold, and a body and brain free of smokes and pot.

I decided to use a similar tactic on Andy as I did on Larry, Doe, and Art’s stuff. Just like I fibbed and told Larry, Doe, and Art that I sent copies to people they know, hoping this would up the chances that they read what I wrote (out of curiosity as to what these people will be reading about them), I put a note on the first page of Andy’s shit that the sentences with the letters fam in them were also shared with his family. See, a druggie has no ambition to do anything but sit on their ass. He never read that journal I wrote for his birthday a few years back. This is different, though, with different circumstances surrounding it, so hopefully, the lazy thing will be curious to read it. Maybe if I pray to Andy’s “friend” and ask that he make sure he reads what I have for him to read, he will, but I certainly won’t count on it, although as Andy claims, God always comes through for him. Yeah, right! Is that why we’ve got a kid? I’m glad we don’t, mind you, but I know he’s prayed for us for that and I know he’s told me that God always comes through for him. Oh yeah? Then why’s he still alone? And I wouldn’t doubt that he’s also prayed for help on quitting the drugs and the ciggies. Maybe for a little stability, ambition, and motivation, too. What a dreamer. A total dreamer. It’s scary when someone can’t separate fantasy from reality.

MONDAY, MAY 17, 1999 It’ll be interesting to see whether or not the city comes today. I should think so, but then again, I didn’t think they’d leave the house empty for another week either, not that I’m complaining. I’m pretty sure that house is done and ready to go. It’d be great if they were waiting for the first. That way, I wouldn’t have to worry about any scum being over there for Memorial Day, cuz I know that if any freeloaders were over there then, it’d be party, party, party. It’s always the outcasts that have to make a scene.

I can’t believe Andy, who’s supposed to be leaving today, didn’t call all weekend! I guess he’ll call if he doesn’t leave today as planned. For both our sakes, I hope he made it out OK.

It looks like yes, the renters did move. There have been no cars over there for days. Could be that they’re just out of town, but I think they’re gone. I’m not too happy about this cuz, believe it or not, they actually let their dog indoors for the most part, so it was never a problem. However, they’ve got a chain-link fence instead of a block wall, and if there’s a typical outdoor dog over there next time around, it’ll be right at the fence barking its ass off and driving me crazy.

I’m right about Tom - he’s definitely stalling for time. As I’ve said a million times before, he has an obsession with making me wait on him and saying things will happen way before they actually do, if they do at all. Why does everything have to be such a big competition with him? Why does he always have to rebel? Can’t he just do something when he says he’s going to? We filmed, and he took the flag bracket down, but other than that, all he did all weekend was trim the front hedges on Saturday, and pick up the hedges and carry them to the alley on Sunday. I know for damn sure now, that there’s no way we’re moving this summer. Not if he wants to creep around so he can make sure I don’t get my way, so to speak. I’ve been saying we won’t make it out this summer and he loves to prove me right when it’s not in the way I want to be right.

A classic example of how he just has to rebel and go the opposite way of what I want is how all weekend long he never once offered to go down on me. Well, if there’s any subject he’s always been selfish with and not willing to please me with, it’s sex. But why? He’s always resented me sexually and the only reason I can think of as to why is that I never took birth control to begin with and because I used to try to push him into cumming, and for a kid. If I’d only known better from the get-go! Maybe things wouldn’t have been that different anyhow since I’m destined to be hexed sexually, but if I had to start all over again, I’d be on birth control during the so-called childbearing years that don’t even exist for me. Still, it’s sad to see him not care. I’ll be damned if I’ll beg, though. I’m not gonna beg my own husband to go down on me, which my gut feeling’s telling me is what he wants. If he wants to be selfish and only screw me, I can’t change that. I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, and I wouldn’t if I could. It’s too bad, though, that he has to play these games and therefore can’t come out and tell me he doesn’t want to go down on me. It’d be OK if he told me he didn’t want to do something I suggested, whether it was sexual or not. Aren’t people who love each other supposed to be honest with each other? Aren’t we supposed to try to do what the other wants and try to please them as best we can, and speak up when we don’t want to do something the other wants?

I know a good part of his ways are just that - his ways, but there’ll always be a part of me that regrets not starting things off differently since it’s obvious he’ll never get over it and move on. Some of what he said didn’t make sense, though, and I didn’t care to ask him to clarify himself since I know how upset he gets over sex talk. He hates even talking about how the sex went after each session. When he was talking about us getting off on the wrong foot sexually, he said something about him having to do things with me that were practically non-sexual, which I could tell by the tone of his voice he wasn’t happy about, but I have no idea what this means. What things did we have to do that were non-sexual? Does he mean not sleeping together? Well, if that ever did bother him, it doesn’t now. He said it doesn’t matter to him one way or the other if we sleep together. That’s good to know, and I feel the same. As long as we’re together and healthy and happy, we don’t have to share a bed. Just our lives.

We filmed a 5-minute walk-through of the house. We’ll keep a copy, and Paula will get a copy. God, I look like shit, though! Not only do I look 130 pounds or more, but I’m aging like hell! I can’t believe how a person can suddenly age so fast! I still look younger than my age, but also much older. I’ve got droopy jowls, and sagging lip corners. We got a kick out of how I accidentally said this was the N. 21 Dr. house. Even I fuck up our address.

My stomach’s popping back out a bit, and I’m gonna have to figure out a way to work the muscles harder. I can’t feel a burn so much anymore cuz my stomach muscles have built up a bit. I’ll bet I could keep up with some of those advanced abs workouts! I still have a good-sized bulge in between the belly button and the bikini line. I don’t think I can flatten this gut any further than it’s been flattened.

Yesterday, as Tom got up and dressed and ready to go clean the old car out and pick up the brush, he said it was hard getting going at first, but now he likes this prep work and is kind of disappointed to be moving to a new place. Don’t worry, Tom, I told him. God will have plenty of work for him. Things that shouldn’t be breaking so soon will break, and if they don’t, something else will come up. Besides, what about building a workroom or something like that like he said he wanted to?

Shortly after he said he liked the prep work and went out to clear the car out, he came back limping saying he hurt a back muscle. Hell of a timing, too. I mean, it was just quite a coincidence that this had to happen right at the start of the day so we could lose yet another day of prep work. I wondered if he was putting me on just to have an excuse to laze out in front of the TV all day, but he swore he really was hurt and that he’d keep on working no matter how much pain he was in, cuz I didn’t believe him (nice to know he was in a hurry to cum back when I didn’t believe he would). Anyway, I didn’t want him to work if he was in pain, and besides, I already know that we’re not getting out of here anyway till the fall, so what the hell? In fact, we may even be here around Christmas time.

My computer’s been doing weird things, so he installed some kind of crash preventer, but I don’t know how well it’ll work.

Later…

He just called to let me know he’d be late. Yeah, I know. I know he does 12-hour shifts on Sundays and I don’t expect him in till 8:00-9:00. He says his back still hurts.

Better go put the recycle bin out just in case he doesn’t get home in time.

Later…

That Mexican guy really did come back. He came back shortly after Tom crashed. He got up and gave him the title to sign that he finally found, then the guy gave him $50, and said he’ll get it today or tomorrow. Tom said he doesn’t know if the guy believes or understands that the car really is broken. The car could be fixed up and driven for miles, but it’d take time and money.

I hope Tom’s back is better soon enough.

I did that advanced abs video I could never do before, and sure enough, I did every single exercise without a strain or a problem. Tom and I talked about getting a machine to really tone up since there’s only so much you can do lying on a floor. Tom wants it for strengthening his back. This is the second time this has happened to him, and he says he can’t let this happen, even if it’s only every 6 months.

Unbelievably, no one came next door today. What luck, huh?! We’ll be compensated, I’m sure, but oh how I wish that place could just stay vacant till we move! I wish those freeloaders could’ve been our last neighbors! I asked Tom why he thought those people I saw didn’t move in since the place appears to be done, and he said that maybe they could’ve been shown a few houses they had available and this one wasn’t their pick. Maybe, but the waiting list is huge. Why keep the place empty like this? Well, the longer it’s empty, the happier I’ll be.

I had said earlier that I was shocked that Andy didn’t call all weekend, but he did, according to Tom. He just didn’t leave a message. Yeah, he’s taken to calling a lot without leaving messages. Knowing how much he loves to babble, this tells me all the more that he’s doing it just to get attention. Just so I have to hear the phone and check the ID box (if I’m up). It gives him a sense of control, I guess.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 1999 Tom got me a couple of packs of fluorescent-colored paper. Each pack has 20 sheets of 10 colors. One pack will finish my journal printing project. If all goes well, I should have 5 sheets left over from the first pack.

I’m back from 112 pounds to 108 pounds, but there’d still be a big difference for the better if I could just get down right around 100 pounds, but I won’t count on it.

Yesterday, Tom trimmed the front hedges. That’s all he did. I’m telling you, we’re not gonna make it out of here in July or August at the slow rate he’s going. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what he wants. He seems to be obsessed with procrastinating, as well as with being different. Being a disorganized slob is one of his obsessions too, and I got really mad at this favorite pastime of his yesterday. Two Mexicans came to our door wanting to take the old car to Mexico and fix it up. They were gonna give us $50 to tow it, but the slob couldn’t find the title. The guys say they’ll return on Tuesday.

I’m sending a birthday card/letter to Becky. This is gonna sound cruel and selfish, I know, but mainly it’s to keep Tammy from calling. I’m sure that if I didn’t call or send Becky anything, Tammy would call bitching about it (like she’d ever have sent our kid anything if we had had one, right!). Who knows, though? She may call bitching about my only sending something and not calling. If she does, that’s her problem. She’s not gonna get the reaction she wants out of me, that’s for sure. We should be moved by Sarah’s birthday (I hope!). Then, a year from now, Tammy will hear from me one last time before I snip the strings for the final time and cut her loose. But as soon as we move, the bitch, the folks, the brother, and the pest will get their last word from me. Tammy will get a bullshit letter saying we had twins by way of in vitro, live in a 5-bedroom house on a 3.3-acre lot, and that I make/sell porcelain dolls. Half of this stuff may be true too, but just knowing how furious the so-called twins part of it will make her and the folks really cracks me up. Then, I shall get on with my life in peace.

It’s pretty funny how my interests have really changed throughout the time I’ve known Tom. Besides him, other people I know, the animals in general, reading, writing, singing, and listening to music, if you look at the different time frames, different words pop out at you as you skim through the pages. The common words in the beginning, are sex, pregnant, and baby. Then it changes to bitch, bass, and basketball. Lastly, to dolls, moving, and rats.

I don’t know if this would be easier said than done, but if I were to end up pregnant now that I don’t want a child (even though that’s impossible) I wouldn’t abort it, but it’d get no prenatal care, I’d stop my vitamins, eat really shitty, and pray to God to lose it for me.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 1999 It’s a pretty noisy one out there now as I prepare to write. Yes, even in the middle of the night it can be noisy around here, even though it’s been great overall as far as kids and music go. The collies are back to barking even throughout the night. For a while, they had given me peace at night. Usually, they go off just to go off, but not tonight. Tonight there was a whole carload of old ladies that pulled up in front of the music people’s house, as I still call it, laughing and acting like a bunch of college kids. Tonight was also a classic example of what I mean when I say that these dogs are extreme barkers. There are at least three dogs that I’ve heard of that live in yards across the street within about a 6-house span. They weren’t going off. Only the collies had to go off. And they kept on going long after the old ladies pulled away. Yeah, I think those sick, inconsiderate fucks ought to receive a letter from me too, after we move, but I’ll act like I still live around here. What I still don’t get is how can they sleep??? How can even the soundest of sleepers sleep throughout all that loud barking that’s so close to their beds?

My vibes say no one’s moving in this weekend next door, although I dreamt that some white folks moved in there. That’s not gonna happen.

Tom’s at work for a few hours tonight, believe it or not. As I’ve told him, there’ll always be something new or out of the ordinary going on at that bank where he’ll have to work overtime or during his usual time off. He says new people are going to be hired, but that won’t make a difference. If God’s gonna let him have more free time, that probably won’t be till he retires. Maybe he’ll let him have a little after we move, knowing we could use him around here a little more now, but God’s not entirely against us with the move. Not so far, anyway. My credit report came back and it’s clean! As Tom said, that could’ve been a serious obstacle for us.

If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times - God, don’t ever let me dream a non-material dream again! If I do, though, since that’s not something we can usually control, at least I’ve learned through time/experience not to do anything about trying to obtain the dream. Why exhaust and frustrate myself struggling for the impossible, when I could be living and enjoying the possible? I don’t enjoy all the possible things. No one does. But you know what I mean.

I asked him if his ma had any plans to help us move or give us money before she dies since she has about a year left, give or take a couple of months.

No. Of course, not. I should’ve known better than to ask. He said she was afraid to give any money out before dying for fear of people deserting her. My first response was oh, poor poor Marge, but then Tom pointed out that we all can’t help our fears (like my fear of spiders). Anyway, I still have mixed feelings about her. She’s helped us in several ways, but sometimes, it just seems like she doesn’t help us where it really counts. That’s great that she bought Tom his contact lenses, but the cost of that is nothing compared to the cost of moving. And again, I still resent all the money and time we lost together. We were just newlyweds at the time and I needed him home with me. Now that we’ve been together this long, I still love him as much and want to be with him as much, but it doesn’t hurt so much to have him tied up. As far as the sexual end of it, things have never been the same since quitting smoking, even if the sex still is satisfactory and fulfilling enough. Ever since I quit smoking I really extinguished a big part of my sex drive along with the cigarettes. Just like I almost went back to smoking cuz of my weight, I almost went back to smoking to up my drive again, but then I said, nah. There’s no point in upping a drive that can’t be taken care of. We don’t have time for sex more than once a week and I don’t think my crotch would appreciate that very much at all. At least I don’t have to fear pregnancy and go through the hassles of birth control. It’s great to know he can cum all he wants to and not worry that it could make a kid. And it’s great to know I’m not pregnant cuz I chose not to be, regardless of the fact that that’s just part of my destiny anyway. Destiny or not, I chose not to be a mother so we could move and live life together. I may not be a doll maker after all, but at least I can collect. I may only be able to get the dolls I really like once every 5 years, but I can still get them, and other dolls.

So, to sum it up, my vibes aren’t certain as to what he’ll be doing when we move, I’ll probably be doing what I’ve always done since knowing Tom, and the health and sex will probably stay the same. That’s good on the sex part, cuz usually, if sex changes after 5 years of marriage, it isn’t for the better. It doesn’t get any better than this, which is plenty good enough, but I’d hate to ever see him bored with me. I’m sure he won’t be, though. If he were gonna bored out on me, he’d have done it by now. We’ve fallen into a comfortable routine.

I’m glad he met Dureen and Art, if only for that one time. That way he could really see what I mean as to their characters/personalities. It’s one thing for him to go by my hearsay, but another to see for himself what I meant. They didn’t do/say all they’re capable of doing/saying when they were here, thank God, but he too, is good with people’s characters and could see the positive/negative/abusive traits lurking underneath.

Can you believe a black ink cartridge costs $25 and a color one costs $29?! But why? It’s just ink, for Christ’s sake. So, although it’s a one-time deal and is well worth it, printing my journals out will end up being a $300-$400 project. Tom said we ought to get me a laserjet printer. It only prints in black, but you can print thousands of pages for about $80 or so.

Later…

I’m doing laundry now. Just changed the sheets, too.

Melanie called yesterday to remind me of my Monday appointment. I asked if I was still her patient and she said I was. I have mixed emotions about that, too. Mel’s faster and prettier, but rougher. At least it doesn’t matter as much now that my teeth are where they’re at. It’s not gonna be as painful, anyway.

Tom looked in that area where the houses were on acre lots. He said he couldn’t find the house that was advertised, but that the area sucked anyway. He said it was old farmland being converted into a development. Just dirt. No natural desert landscape like we want. He said everything was in clumps, too. You’d have a house with nothing around it for miles, then a cluster of trailers. Yeah, Arizona seems to be hung up on clumps. You either have a lot of people or no one around for miles.

Also, another problem with the area was that there was a prison nearby.

Last night, out of curiosity, I browsed through the national white pages online and came across Michael M’s name. He moved from Hamden to Longmeadow, so I see. Mike was the closest I ever came to having a crush on a guy before meeting Tom. This was when I was in the real high school when I was a freshman. He was my chorus teacher. Anyway, he ended up marrying another student. I last spoke to him somewhere between 1989-1991. They were trying to have kids, but his wife Daryl had just had a miscarriage. By now I’m sure they have a family. I wrote a half-sane, half-wacky letter. I put my return address on only cuz I know I don’t have to worry about him writing me back, which I’d prefer he not do. He’s in the past. I just wanted to surprise him, that’s all. I stuck in a few pictures of myself from when I looked my best in the mid-90s that I scanned and printed out. That ought to shock him too, since I did not look like that the last time I saw him. If I remember right, I last saw him in 1984 at 130-something pounds.

I’d bet my dolls on Andy’s calling this weekend. He’ll use his trip as an excuse, but that’s OK. Of course, I don’t even know for sure that Andy will be leaving Monday as he says. You know Andy - always gotta be late on things and make big deals of things.

Later…

I’m gonna start sleeping with a notebook by my bed so I can make notes of my dreams upon waking till I get around to typing them up. The longer I’m up, the more I forget my dreams.

Did the renters move after all? There have been no cars over there.

We screwed a little while ago and I made the dumb mistake of not using lubricant. I was so dry. I really need to use it all the time, even if it is a hassle. Besides, it’s a great spermicide cuz sperm can’t swim through its thick stickiness.

As I figured too, he did nothing about going down on me. The sex was the usual - too much time on the side, then too little time up top. He never wanted to please me. Never. All he wanted to do was play games, then please himself after the years of my bitching about his games finally got to him. Oh well. It’s only sex.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 1999 Still printing journals like crazy. Got 670 more pages to go and about 32 more journals. In one box I'll have the journals from Oswego Street, Woodside Terrace, Elm Street, Norwich, the Vista and Crystal apartments, and this house.

As you'll see in my Dreams file, I had a dream including Jackie and Jim. Speaking of them, isn't Jackie pregnant yet? She's God's "perfect" mommy. I asked Tom, who answered that he hadn't seen them, in a very annoyed tone of voice. You can't even talk to him about someone else getting pregnant without him getting all riled up. Don't worry, hun. I don't plan to ever bring up the subject again. Not even if I wanted a kid all over again tomorrow. I know better. I know when something's not meant to be and when something shouldn't be, since not all of us can handle these things. Anyway, I asked him, cuz of the way I know his ma talks about other family members. However, unless something big was going on with someone, all she ever did when I'd visit her was talk about Nickolena. Then about Nickolena and Parker. It got old! It really did. That's another reason, besides the fact that I resent her for her selfishness, that I don't want her over the new house. I don't want to have to sit and listen to nothing but talk about those kids the whole time she's with us.

I can't believe no one's been next door all week. Not that I'm complaining, but what are they waiting for?

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 1999 It’s after 1:00, yet the fucking dogs are going off. They just go on and on. There’s no end to their shit! Never have I ever heard of dogs that bark this much. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I just hope to hell they’re not taking one of their fits when we go to show the house, even though the next people in here will probably have a dog of their own going off in their yard. But none can go off that much and that’s my point.

I spoke to Paula yesterday morning. God, what a hypochondriac! She’s not just a ditz, she’s like Tammy; always with a problem. Now it’s her heart she says is acting up, but I think it’s anxiety. She’s naturally anxious as it is, and this shit of a married whore of a guy she’s dealing with isn’t helping.

Anyway, her birthday is the 31st of this month, so I think I’ll bead her up some necklaces. Also, we want to videotape this house before and after we paint, to add to our home videos, and I’ll mail her a copy at some point. Then she can also see how long my hair is and how fat I still am.

I had to put the bitch’s stuff back in two envelopes. I forgot that you can’t mail anything over 16 oz. without bringing it to a post office (in case of bombs). He’s too damn paranoid to bring it to a post office without a legit return address on it in case he runs into someone he knows. What? He can’t say he’s mailing it for a friend? Damn, he’s paranoid! I think he’s paranoid but is also using this as an excuse to avoid the post office. After all, you do have to wait in line forever there.

I was right. He never offered to go down on me or to screw, yet there was plenty of time for a guy who claims to be horny so much. I have such mixed feelings about it, too. It hurts to see him not take opportunities for more sex and it makes me feel a bit rejected, but it’s also great at the same time, cuz I’m sick of sex with him. I can do a way better job myself and I’d just as well get it over with quickly myself, than have these long drawn out boring sessions with him. I know that a big part of his not initiating much sex is fear of making a kid, but is there more to it? He says I’m beautiful, but unless he has a rather unique idea of beautiful, I’m not beautiful. I’m chunky, I’m aging, and I look like a geek.

Later…

That bites. You mean I can’t print in black ink just because my color ink cartridge is dead? Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to wait till tomorrow to do any more printing.

Andy called and left an 888 number (toll-free) for me to call to win $50,000 for having the best laugh. He said if I won, I could give him $1,000 of the money for referring me to this number. First off, I knew no God would let me win $50,000. It’s just not in our cards, and besides, we could use the money. People who win money tend to not need it much. Secondly, I knew there’d be a catch. The catch was, that as soon as you dial in, a recording comes on saying, “Sorry, only one call per household, but be sure to look for other Pillsbury promotions.”

Later…

I called Andy and we spoke for the better part of an hour. He’s leaving Monday, I hope, for both our sakes. This time around, I just may surprise him by sending a letter to his brother’s house in Springfield. The one he grew up in. When Judy and Al moved into condos, they gave the house to Gary. I remember the address, but not the zip so I’ll just leave it zipless.

I was right, he has no plans to work full-time when he gets back, so he told me. He works 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, and it works out well for him, he says, cuz he always feels like he needs the time off. Whatever works for him.

He said he’s gone from weighing 152 down to 146 cuz he’s been puking like hell. No wonder he’s eating like a pig if he’s losing everything he eats. Then again, it may be the overeating that’s upsetting his stomach. He says it’s the cigarettes, though. I thought he said it was nerves the last time we discussed this. He says he’s been tired a lot cuz of the weed. Too much food can tire a body out too, I’ve heard. In fact, he says he eats so much that he’s tired of washing all the zillions of dishes he uses, so he went out and got plastic dishes/silverware. Well, if he’s happy eating whatever amount he eats, and if he’s happy weighing whatever he weighs - great.

He paid Michelle $100 to stay at his house while he’s gone. Good. I’m glad he’s got someone to feed his cat and to tape his soaps. Michelle’s happy about it, according to him, cuz her mother yells at her all the time. She lives with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, I guess.

There goes those fucking dogs again. They usually have the decency to wait till 5:00 or 6:00 before they start going off, but not this morning. They usually shut up around 9:00 or 10:00 at night too, so something must’ve been going on to get them going, but I don’t know. I think these dogs just like to go off. Period. I hope the next batch of trash to go next door is like that bitch and her associates were - real noise lovers.

Did he bring up God? Of course. He not only brought up God, but now he’s bringing the angels into his conversation, too. He was saying that he feels God and the angels kept that guy from breaking in that other morning at 4:00 AM. Could be. I asked him if he thought it was connected to Laura. He said no. He said if she was gonna send someone to break in, she’d have them come at 7:00 AM when she knew he was asleep. Even that’s stupid. If you’re gonna break into a house, do it when it’s empty and there are no potential witnesses. Anyway, I still think he gives way too much credit to God. I mean, come on! What fantastic thing has God ever done for him, huh? He has a right to believe what he believes and I don’t try to influence his beliefs one way or another, but still, who does he think he’s fooling?

Later…

Andy, you are one big pain in the fucking, motherfucking, goddamn ass! He asked me to tape a couple of saved messages of his. I wasn’t going to, but then I decided I would, just in case he asked me for the tape before we move. What a pain! I thought the living room phone would work OK, but it didn’t, so I had to fumble with getting the back room phone set up, and good God! I won’t mention leaving a few mad bogus claims on his tape in his file I’ll have for him when we move. I yelled at him about sending Michelle over to play a childish prank on me, and of course, he’ll be racking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck I’m talking about. Remember, these are supposed to be messages I left him that he saved. He’ll probably believe it’s real too, but that he just can’t remember it being the pothead that he is.

I wonder more and more just how much of my dream will come true. My dream is to move to an empty piece of land that’s more than an acre big, to put that last model we saw on it, and get all the furniture and other stuff we want for the new place pretty much right away. Why do I feel, though, that we’ll end up in some kind of development, although he says it’s unlikely, with just an acre and a house that’s already there and not be able to get all the stuff we want right away? Maybe the acre will be big enough depending on what’s around it (although that seems unlikely) and maybe the house will be as big and as nice as that last model and maybe we’ll have to slowly get the stuff we want over time, but if I do have to settle, it won’t be the first time, will it, God? Even so, any place will be better than here with people just a few feet away (when the house is occupied like it normally is) and with barking dogs that are barely 50 feet away.

I created a Dreams file. I decided to write down whatever dreams I remember. Real dreams, that is. Most of the time I don’t remember my dreams, but lately, I’ve been remembering a lot of weird dreams that I thought would be cool to document.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 1999 Got to get Tom up in 20 minutes. He has to go in at 12:30. Sometimes I get him up at 11:00, but he left me a message saying to get him up at 10:00 since he's caught up on his sleep. I don't expect him to take my suggestion and offer to go down on me, so I used the vibrator to get off a little while ago. I guess he just wants an extra hour of TV. Or maybe to play computer games.

He said he called a realtor about some land advertised that's supposed to have a manufactured house already on its property. He said it was a little further out than he'd like, and only one acre, but perhaps we could still check it out some time.

I picked out the best interior colors from those color strips he brought home, but he needs to try again with the blues. The house is way lighter than even the lightest blue he brought home.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 1999 Tom bought a heavy-duty stapler today but it was broken, so he’ll have to bring it back. He got staples in four different sizes, although they come in six sizes. You can staple up to 250 sheets. He also picked up some more ink cartridges. I’ve been on a major printing spree what with getting these journals printed out. I have 1170 more pages to go of journal stuff and that’s not counting what I’ve written so far for this month.

His little computer is really neat. You can lay in bed in the dark and use it cuz the screen lights up to a pretty blue/green shade, the color of pool water lit up at night. It has a tiles game. Its colors are bland, but it’s still neat to just tap the tiles with the stylus. It’d be perfect for long boring car rides to Vegas, Laughlin, California, or wherever.

To our knowledge, no one came next door today (now yesterday). Not even the city. I asked Tom what’s his guess now, as to when someone will move in. He said he’d guess every weekend. Me too, but the longer it stays empty, the better. Every weekend it stays empty is just one less weekend I have to deal with someone’s rude, selfish shit just three feet away from me. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a bad vibe and a vibe of waking up last weekend. Cuz no one moved in after all. I guess that as we approach each weekend, I’ll be able to get a sense of whether or not someone will be moving in. So far, I seem to be in tune as far as that goes.

Mickey Rat may have a tumor in his balls. His balls are ten times bigger than the other rats, as even Tom noticed. He said he thought the tumor might be in his stomach, pushing his balls out. I don’t know if it’s his stomach, his balls, or nothing at all. Time will tell, but God’s really damned mice and rats, that’s for sure! They’re notorious for tumors, alright.

We had sex earlier which couldn’t have been any more predictable than it was. It was sooo obvious, although like always, he tried to deny his reasons for his moves. He not only didn’t cum, he wouldn’t even get on top. He was that scared, but hey, it’s OK. Perfectly understandable, and I’d probably do the same myself if I were him despite the odds of my conceiving. We’re in the middle of trying to move, after all. We don’t need another expense and time-eater.

Anyway, the cumless weekly sex is fine, but I wish he’d be less sexually selfish. All he’s ever really cared about in bed is doing what he’s wanted. He decides when we have sex and how often (even though we sort of have a mutual agreement. A pattern/habit we’ve fallen into with time). He decides when he cums. He decides the positions. I wish he didn’t have so much control in bed, but a man always has more control over the bedroom activities. We women just don’t have the tools to be in command of the sex. So, he’s typical in that way. He dominates the sex, only in an unusual kind of way. Definitely not in the way most males do. Nonetheless, he never offers to go down on me. His “variety,” is not going on top sometimes cuz he’s either too afraid to, can’t get in the mood, or whatever. It’d be nice if he’d please me every now and then. Only in the beginning was the sex just for me, but then again, it wasn’t. If it can’t be mutual, OK, but we should share the pleasure, if you know what I mean. I made this suggestion to him, but I won’t count on his taking it up. Perhaps he will once or twice, but then he’ll just fall right back into his usual ways. I don’t know if he’s being stubborn deliberately, or if he really has such a hard time adapting to new ideas in bed, but we’ll see. I guess most of us find a way that works best for us and stick to it.

Got 1121 more pages to print out. I combined all the journal files into one file for printing. I have to print out from late 1995 on up till last June. Then carry on with printing out each month I type. Guess you could say I’m off to a slow start this month. It’s already the 11th, yet I haven’t even typed ten pages yet. Usually, around the 11th, I’m around the twenty-page marker.

I was gonna get into shit about Andy and his “family lecture” but I’ll save it for another time. I’ve been up a while and I want to unwind with a movie.

Later…

Today Tom brought home a T-shirt squashed into a circle of about 5” in diameter. I don’t know where he got this. I’ll have to ask him when I get him up at 11:00. He was already asleep when I got up at 4:00.

He also brought home sample paint shades. About a dozen whites, yellows, and blues. We’re going to paint the outside the same light blue, but hopefully, we can just paint the bad spots and avoid having to paint the whole house. We’re gonna paint the trim white. Right now it’s also light blue. We’ll be painting the inside walls white. A brighter white than the off-white that’s been on these walls. We’ll be painting the kitchen cabinets a yellow-gold to go with the disgusting floor in there.

Lastly, he got a heavy-duty stapler that works and it’s great. It still jammed up on me a few times like my regular one did, but it’s much better since I can staple so many more pages. It took just 9 staples to staple together my first 100 journals. I’ll be able to get all of Andy’s shit stapled with one staple, and I rearranged the bitch’s shit, too. Originally, she was gonna receive two envelopes from me, but I managed to fit everything into one envelope. I tore out the wire binders and it’s now packed beautifully with just two staples. The bitch has roughly 160 pages, 80 sheets of paper. I stapled 40 and 40, so she’ll get two little bundles of paper. That way she can have fun sharing. Her cock can read one while she reads the other. I set it up so that the first thing she sees when she pulls the packet out will be the pictures I shot of the city car and of her cock’s car. I wrote my “table of contents” on the back of the envelope to help up her curiosity.

Again, as far as I know, no one showed up next door today.

Got 996 pages left to print.

As far as Andy’s concerned - same old, same old. He left messages about eating, being excited about going back east, and weed sales. Then, in response to my asking him to please not bother contacting Tammy, he said he wasn’t planning on it anyway (yeah, well we’ll see if that changes). Then he lectured me about cutting off my nieces just because of my problems with Tammy. Although I’ve cut off everyone with the last names G and O cuz I felt that that was for the best, I told him differently (that I didn’t dump my nieces) just to shut him up and get him off my case. Anyway, he has no right to judge me and my situation because he’s not in my shoes. If he had been in my shoes and could feel how I do, then maybe he’d understand why I not only had to cut out Tammy but her kids, too. The connection was just too damn close for comfort.

Anyway, I’m sick of Andy trying to make me into himself. Just because he’d go against Marla’s wishes and be his usual selfish self doing only what he wants if she told him to stay away from the boys, well, that’s him. Not me. The best way for him to handle a certain situation isn’t necessarily the best way for others but he just doesn’t get it. He puts everyone on his level, but that’s just not reality. He’s him. I’m me. I’m tired of my “friend” siding with others and arguing and challenging my ways. I’m sick of him trying to push his ways on me. I don’t try to talk him out of his ways of doing things. I may tell him, for example, that I don’t agree with his being a drug dealer, but I never tried to talk him out of it. It’s his fucking life. Why can’t I get the same respect in return? I expect others to treat me as I treat them.

He said he should bring his friend God into his lecture, but he wouldn’t.

What “friend?” You mean the “friend” that’s denied him love? The “friend” that’s helped to keep him in the same old loser of a rut year after year? That’s some friend, Andy. I could type 1000 pages on why God’s some “friend,” but I have better things to do with my time.

I’m sick of Andy! Oh, I’m fucking sick of him! Sooooooooo motherfucking sick of him! I’m tired of hearing the same old shit message after message, phone call after phone call. Fuck his fucking God, and his fucking food, and his fucking drugs, and his fucking phones, and his fucking Stevie. I’m fed up! I can’t fucking wait to move and get on with my life without his usual BS I’ve dealt with for what? 11 years now?

Boy, it sure felt good to bitch in here!

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 1999 Paula left a message earlier. A weird one too, wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. Now why would someone wish a childless person a happy Mother’s Day?

No messages from Andy. He knows. Somehow, he knows. Tom wouldn’t tip him off and tell him I’m planning on disappearing on him, so he’s got to sense something. For a few days in a row he did get a little message happy on me, but other than that, he’s really backed off since I made up my mind to do my disappearing act. Am I reconsidering not disappearing? No. Even if he hardly called me for the rest of my life, he’s not a true friend in my opinion and I don’t want to push my luck by being in his car with him and his pot, and besides, we’re just not on the same level in life. I still feel I’ve outgrown him and that neither of us has anything to offer the other (except for the favors I do for him and the things I give him every now and then). I’m not perfect myself, but I don’t want a druggie for a friend, who tends to be selfish, and that’s that.

Andy once said he felt he had two destinies - to lead me out here and to deal with Quinn. So I guess that proves our time as friends really is up. We’ve done what God wanted us to do for each other. He led me out here, and I did whatever I was supposed to have done for him, but it was to teach him to stand up to bullies, etc.

Tom rested a lot during the weekend to get over cold number 394 since I’ve known him, and yesterday, I was a bit out of it myself. Had a doozy of an allergy attack, which was my own dumb fault. I shouldn’t have gone outside. During the two transition periods where it’s just about to go over the 100º marker, then just under it is a rotten time for allergies. This time, instead of the Benadryl just drying up my mouth and putting me to sleep, it dried up my mouth but didn’t put me to sleep. It also helped with the sneezing this time, too. I was very groggy, though, and couldn’t do much but read and listen to music. I finished a book yesterday and began Toys in the Attic.

At 10:45 Saturday night, someone rang our doorbell. They only rang once, but we didn’t answer it. It was probably some potential fuck buddy given the wrong address by a girl in a bar that promised to screw him at her house. It could’ve been anyone, though. Who knows?

I looked online for doll kits, but then I decided to wait till we moved.

Tom did more work on packing shit in the back room, and so he says, this week we’re gonna begin painting in here.

This month, I didn’t get those UT pains, so that’s fine with me!

I am amazed at how much of a difference the stomach exercises have made since I figured out how to do them more effectively. Don’t get me wrong. My stomach’s still big. I’m big. I could afford to lose 10-15 pounds, but what a difference! The face exercises are a different story. They’re completely useless unless I’m not doing them correctly.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 1999 Unbelievable! Just un-fucking-believable! No one moved in today! That explains why I didn't have a vibe saying I'd be losing sleep. Of course, they can always move in between now and sundown, or tomorrow, but I don't know about that. I mentioned to the city that we were looking to move this summer. Wouldn't it be funny if they were waiting for us to move out first? Fat chance, though. Last night I was pretty stressed out, even though I didn't feel them on their way in. The NHA's really scarred me for life, boy I'll tell you.

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 1999 The kids are definitely, definitely coming this weekend (they quit working there early and the yard’s now empty). And so is their dog. If they can have a van like they’ve got, they can have a dog, too. I may end up with a dog in place of bass but I’m sure these young things will be into those killer stereos. Like I said, it’s not so much the pregnant child welfare bum I’m concerned about. I haven’t heard her bass in yet. It’s her cronies I’m worried about. She’ll be home all day, and so her associates, who will be just as lazy and as jobless, will be banging in and out several times a day with their millions of screaming kids.

Mormons, blacks, Mexican, people!! I’m just so sick of them all!! I’m also really sick and tired of living next to children, even if some of them are supposed to be adults. If I never live near anyone under 40 again, it’ll be too soon.

Speaking of adult children, I think the renters across the street moved. Last night at 8:00 I saw about five people over there loading a pickup. The lawn was littered with furniture. Guess they’re skipping out on the rent. Tom said he doesn’t think they’re moving. He thinks someone moved in or out, and that it’s several people sharing the rent. Like college kids do. Well, we’ll see. So far, since being up since 2:00, I see nothing but a lounge chair leaning up against their carport. I’ll do an hourly check. How I love to spy!

I just thank God we’re moving soon. Knowing that really takes some of the stress off of me. Again, we talked about our different options. There’s still a chance we may find a prepped piece of land with a house already on it, move into that, then have the manufactured house we want hauled in later on.

Paula and I have been playing phone tag for nearly a week now. I called and got the neighbor that lives up above her. I told her to tell Paula I’d try again next week.

Andy left me a message today, all excited about his trip back east. He’ll be gone from 5/15 to 6/3 unless anything changes.

I left Andy a message asking him to please, as my friend, don’t bother calling Tammy. I explained to him yet again that we’re not in touch with each other and why and also reminded him that he doesn’t need Tammy’s rudeness. Every time they’ve talked or visited, even if she doesn’t directly say something mean to him, it’s in her tone of voice. She’s an insecure person who’s uncomfortable around gays, she can’t let go of the past and has to rehash shit that went down between Doe, Art, Judy, and Al, and he doesn’t need it. He’s gonna be hurt enough by people in his lifetime, including by me when I disappear on him (then again, who knows? Maybe he won’t be hurt since we don’t have much in common these days). He either respects my wishes, or he doesn’t, but till I see differently, I’ll assume he’ll suit himself. He always does and even he admits that. Or maybe he’ll just argue with me about it by leaving a message challenging my reasons for wanting him not to contact her, but will still respect my wishes. We’ll see.

In his message to me, he said just hearing my voice for a few seconds is good enough so I don’t have to leave him 3-4 messages. Yeah, right! He wishes! I haven’t left him that many messages in one day for years, but that’s Andy for you. If you tell him or imply that he’s doing A, he’ll tell you or imply you’re doing A, B, and C. He’ll tell you or imply that you’re doing more of or worse than he is. If I bitch at him for leaving five messages, he’ll bitch at me for leaving ten, even if I didn’t leave him one.

Later…

It looks like Tom was right. The renters are still here. I’m glad, to tell you the truth, so I won’t have to worry about anything worse going in over there, and I wish those blacks had just stayed put! I should be crawling with horrible vibes right now, but for some reason, I’m not. I should be, though, cuz there’s no way in hell God would let me have a quiet neighbor and there’s no reason to think that a pile of freeloaders could be quiet. And again, I know how these welfare bums are. Remember Oswego Street? I do. And I know that right along with the blacks, they’re nothing but noisy scum who only give a damn about themselves. These things are gonna be worse. Mexican music may have less bass than rap music, but anything played on these particular stereos is loaded with bass cuz that’s the whole idea. Also, at least the black bitch worked during the week, but not this one! This one’s gonna have more company and more kids that’ll make the bitch look almost like a childless loner. And the dog! Oh God! Why? Why me?!

We had a quickie a little while ago. We agreed it’d just be a quick thing to break me open after having to skip a week. Sure enough, I had that familiar irritation. I’m sick of this irritation I get on and off! Why do I even bother screwing? It’s old and boring (most of the time) and so is the irritation.

THURSDAY, MAY 6, 1999 Not much to write about this time around. Just that Tom picked me up new cartridges and paper, and that I’ve been printing journals like crazy. Also, that white Ford that looks like our car was in the driveway next door. The city van came and went too, and there was also some other older white car that was parked on the street for a good ten minutes or so today. Tom said they may’ve been painting. They were doing something inside, cuz they had the front door wide open. I could see through the living room window, through the door, and out to the next side street a block away that crosses our street. I took another peek in back after they left and saw the toilet was still there, among a few other things. There’s a chance, after all, although I won’t swear to it, that our welfare bums just may not make it in this weekend for sure, and that’d go with my vibe. Logic told me that they were moving in this weekend and that I wouldn’t get any sleep, since moving does make some noise and they’re just a few feet away from where I sleep, but my vibes don’t sense a lack of sleep to come. When they leave tomorrow, though, I’ll be able to tell where we stand as far as next door goes. Tom treated himself to a new handheld computer that you write on with a stylus and it turns what you write into print. It’s pretty neat, and he’s been overdue on treating himself.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 1999 Not shitting yesterday cost me two pounds, but even so, my stomach is definitely flatter since figuring out how to do the crunches more effectively.

Back to the daily calls from Andy. He’s calling right now.

The city was next door when I got up at 1:00, and they still are. There’s also a city truck in the street with a big pickup in back. I assume this is what they’ll use to haul the brush away.

My schedule sucks. These kids are gonna be moving in this weekend without a doubt, and I’m not gonna get a damn bit of sleep.

Tom says the electricity has been on since we saw that APS truck about a week ago. They haven’t replaced that obnoxious security bulb, fortunately. He says he doubts they will. Maybe not, but the kids will once they get there.

This is the second day I got a private call with no message. It could be a business, but it could also be Andy just wanting to call just so I have to hear the phone ring and get up to check the caller ID box.

Tom said we could move in a snap if we absolutely had to. He said that he checked a little further out of town than he’s checked so far, and they have tons of big/new manufactured homes on three or more acre lots for dirt cheap. He said we could move as soon as we got an offer on this house. Well, however we move, I just hope it’s soon enough and that we don’t have to really get into settling, but settling’s my life’s theme and what I do best. If I have to settle for a 3 bedroom, that’s better than nothing. Even having this same exact house out in the open desert is a million times better than this house in the crowded, polluted city with assholes just three feet away.

Later…

I peeked over the wall after the city left. I saw a toilet and a chair on the back patio. Other than that, there didn’t seem to be too much more out there, so there’s no doubt in my mind that the welfare trash will be moving in this weekend.

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 1999 Just thought I’d do some writing while I print out journal stuff.

I was telling Tom how I got a feeling I could sculpt. A similar feeling I got telling me I could draw ten years or so ago. Tom thinks I could sculpt, but I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine me sculpting, but after I saw a video, which I’ll get into later, I don’t think I’ll ever want to sculpt or pour molds.

Yesterday, we went and got Tom’s 6-month supply of disposable contacts, then to the spit doctor. There were no wild kids in the waiting room and there was very little waiting time. The doctor came and got me himself, and allowed Tom to join us. The doctor seemed a bit gruff, but he wasted no time, got right to the point, and knew what he was doing. It only took him a minute to clean the wax out of my ear and it wasn’t painful. Not even uncomfortable.

Then, I went down the hall a bit for a hearing test. Their soundproof booth wasn’t very soundproof cuz I could hear voices, but Tom said that they were coming through the headphones. I guess that’s because the lady who was doing the test on me was sitting right near the receptionist. I still got the same results I’ve always gotten on my right ear (goes to prove years of blasting headphones do not cause hearing to get worse and worse with time) and the same results I’ve gotten on the left ear since the canal was made. The right ear’s still within normal hearing range and the left ear sucks. The doctor said the higher the number, the better the hearing. The right ear got an 8, the left got a 53. As always, the right ear’s only problem was with this one certain frequency. Higher pitches within the 4000 MHz.

The doctor told me of my options; to have another operation to try to equalize my hearing by some doctor in L.A., or better yet, to get a hearing aid. The hearing aid costs one to three G’s, and is a waste of money, in my opinion, on someone who hears plenty well enough. Just wait till the pregnant kid and her associates move in! You’ll see how well I hear then! Also, I certainly don’t want another operation, if I can avoid it, just to hear better when I already hear well enough. Tom and I were wondering, though, if he was suggesting Neilson was not good enough by recommending I go to the doctor in L.A. Neilson still does surgery. He’s just not in private practice anymore.

After the doctor, we went to the library. I got two videos on doll making and a book on Facercise (face exercises). I scanned copies of the exercises, which are somewhat illustrated. Some of them are straightforward, but others are a bit hard to comprehend. I’ll just do my best with them and see if I get results.

I’ve got half a video left to watch, but so far, I know I don’t want to sculpt or pour molds, but maybe I’ll get into painting/assembly. It’s just that there’s so much needed/involved! It’s so messy, dusty, and boring from what I can see. However, it was still neat to learn what I learned from the video and watch someone else do this stuff.

Tom looked online and found several sites with doll kits. These kits come in three different stages. The cheapest is to get the molds in their greenware state that you paint and fire yourself. Then you can get fired but unpainted dolls. Lastly, you can get them fired and painted. I was amazed at their size and quality for their prices. Even a fired, painted doll that’s around 30” is just around $100. That’s a great deal! I wonder just how much the kit comes with and what work it entails. I hope the hair and the outfits are included, although I’m sure they are. I’ll be looking forward to checking these kits out more seriously sometime soon.

The braids doll came yesterday. I could tell the guy that sent her smoked as I could smell it all over her. Anyway, she’s a cute doll. A little pale in coloring, but cute. She wasn’t in her original box and she had no certificate enclosed so I’ll never know her real name. I named her Mystery, cuz her name is a mystery, and cuz it’s not a common name like Anne or Mary.

The second Giselle we got will stay as she is. However, I took the first Giselle whom I renamed Liselle, and gave her a bit of a makeover. I lost her eyelashes in the midst of it, but because her face isn’t that large, and cuz she was never really an exceptional doll to begin with, it’s OK. I cut her feathers off the top of her head, so now there’s just a little piece of white cotton and a pearl in its center. I may glue on small flowers someday. I cut off the blue silk and blue netting skirts that were under her white lace skirt. Then I took her hair down. It’d be very hard to straighten and looks better curly anyway, so I just took it down, cut the sides even with the rest of it, then pulled the sides to the back and secured it with a coated elastic. I think it looks nice this way.

Andy left a message saying he skipped his therapy appointment yesterday cuz he didn’t feel like going out. He says that on his days off (which is almost every day) he doesn’t feel like going anywhere. Good! Then I don’t have to worry about him wanting to come over here to talk my ear off, use the computer or something else, be too stoned to remember/get a damn thing I say, or want to come to get me and bring me over his smelly place. He said he rented some movies, worked on making Stevie tapes, and ordered a pizza. Again, he sure as hell has no ambitions to do anything but the same few things - eat, watch TV, talk on the phone about God, listen to music, and get high. At least he’s got his bills paid.

As fate would have it, Tom’s got another one of his famous colds, so I have to get sick too. He says this one’s been a very easy cold, but still, it goes to prove I was right when I said that changing his eating habits wouldn’t help his childlike immune system.

It was exactly one month ago today that the blacks moved. Yesterday, the city was here, but only for a short while. They did the lawn and trimmed the trees. That told me that the pregnant kid and her cronies were right around the corner and ought to be moving in this weekend for sure (and I’m not gonna get a damn bit of sleep cuz I’ll be on nights by then). To my knowledge, the city wasn’t here at all today either, but the pregnant kid was. There’s still brush from the trees sitting out front, and the kid’s not moving in today, but she was here long enough to tell me she’s already got the keys. I knew she’d be the next one in. She was the only one I saw come to check the place out. It’s not like with potential buyers or with non-subsidized rent where a slew of people come to look at it. With a subsidized house, they just grab the next name on the waiting list. I still don’t get this nice van, though. Since when is a welfare mom allowed to have any vehicle, let alone a nice one? I didn’t see her or who she was with. Just heard a few door slams and saw the back half of the van in the driveway. The city wasn’t here to let her in, and because she was here more than a few minutes, I knew she had to have keys. If she didn’t, she’d have left as soon as she saw the city wasn’t here to let her in. She probably dropped off some bulky shit.

Just like with the bitch, it’s not her I worry about. She’s not gonna be stirring up too much shit in her condition. It’s her kids and her cronies I’m worried about. The kids she’s got are too young to be left outside by themselves if she has any brains, but what’s to say she and her associates and their ten million kids won’t sit outside here for hours at a time every day? Why not? They don’t work. The weather’s been mild. I hope these people hate the heat, but still, they’re gonna be plenty noisy enough. They can’t shoot hoops, but they can still bounce balls, yell and scream, slam doors, blast music, and have barking dogs. I just thank God we’re gonna be getting out of here soon!

Woke up at 107 pounds today for the first time in a while. So naturally, I couldn’t shit. My body stops shitting once it gets below 108 so it can reset itself to at least 108.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 1999 Gotta see the “spit” doctor today.

Paula called at 6:00, but I had just gotten up and wasn’t in the mood for chatting.

Tom said he thought it’d be cool if I used some of the boxes we got for printouts of journals. After thinking about it, I decided it’d be a good idea. I’m stapling them, though, not binding them. You never know if the hard drive and the floppies may go on the fritz. We’re going to get a fireproof/waterproof safe for things like this after we move. So, I’ve been printing out journals, starting at the beginning. Got 18 of them done. Yesterday, I used a whole black ink cartridge. It’s gonna take 15 cartridges to get them all printed out unless I pick up some more white paper so I can print in color, too.

I’ve hardly gotten any emails lately. That’s cuz Evie’s in California for a couple of weeks.

We sent away for my credit report. I hope Fingerhut doesn’t show up. We got the camcorder under the name O and never paid for it.

Tom got the patio roof done. It looks much better.

I suppose the city will be next door in half an hour. I noticed something, although I can’t swear to this, cuz I’m not outside much and out of the fans to hear, but I think that the collies are yanked into the house while the city’s here. That ought to be a nightmare for them; having their dogs inside! Anyway, if they are, it’s no doubt to avoid the city getting on their case about the constant barking and letting them know how rude and inconsiderate that is of them. On the other hand, they very well may not give a shit. After all, this is Arizona, and the Arizona way is to keep dogs outdoors.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 1999 Just took a peek over the wall. No one's moving in this weekend for sure. Aside from the unmowed grass and the lack of a security light blaring on and off, there's a ton of stuff on their back patio and it's nothing I threw over. It looked like there were some grills to vents and some other household parts. I'm surprised the recycle bin's not out. Tom had said he wouldn't be surprised if someone moved in today what with the first falling on a Saturday, but as I reminded him, if that pregnant kid I saw is the next one in there, every day's a Saturday for her. She doesn't work, and if she does, I'm sure it's nothing legal.

Good news about the braids doll. Tom got a reply from the guy. The guy said he had back surgery, has about 30 packages going out, and ours was one of them which was sent out yesterday. If he's telling the truth about sending it, I should have it by Tuesday if he sent it priority mail.

[piratadelamor]

(ao no flag spoilers) (this is a personal rant)

i cant even explain how happy i was with ao no flag's ending taking place after a timeskip with the characters in their 20s... i' always loved coming of age stories, i love the raw emotions, i love seeing my past self in them, i love the feeling of "there's a whole future ahead of us!" and of discoverying new things and the wonder of having the whole world unfolding right in front of your eyes... but it's been 10 years since i finished high school (lets not talk about it.) and each year these stories become more and more distant to me. and how surprised i was with the end of this story, with taichi and masumi coming out as bisexual in their mid 20s. i've openly identified as bisexual since i was 13 and first kissed a girl with that age. but only had sex and had a relationship with another woman at 25. i was so brave when i was 13 but i was also so young and i had to face everything so early. it was always so obvious which side of me was socially accepted and which side wasnt. how my family looked at me when i decided to cut my hair really short. how other girls at the school were wispering behind my back, how they started to avoid me more than usual. how me and my other lgbt friends were called out more at school than the cishet ones. when the teacher that groomed me kept commenting on my looks, talking about how sometimes i dressed up as a boy and how sometimes i dressed up like a little girl. when i acted and presented myself in a more feminine way i was praised by everyone. you look so pretty with long hair! you look so pretty with dresses! when i got into relationships with boys, people would ask me if i had finally turned straight. i couldnt tell my family about the girls i dated but it was easy to bring the boys home. it was accepted. for a few years i even convinced myself that i was straight. until i hated the man i had fallen in love with so much that i became someone completely different. and we broke up. like masumi, i was too scared to let other people down and decided to live an acceptable life.

i also fell in love with my childhood friend. everything toma said about taichi, oh god i been there. the mutual infinite admiration. the moments of physical intimacy that made my heart rush even though i couldnt do anything. all the promises and how they meant something completely different to me. observing her from across the classroom and thinking about how pretty she was. all the love letters we exchanged as friends. when we had sleepovers and i couldnt sleep because i was so nervous. how i had to watch her getting involved with other boys and couldnt say anything i just stayed there supporting her. and then she wasnt my friend anymore. just like taichi, i watched as my friend became one of the popular kids and drifted away from me, as i stayed there feeling inferior to her in everything. she was cool, extroverted, pretty, funny, talented, and i was just this weird little nerd. sometimes she would talk to me at school as if nothing had changed and those momenta felt so special, yet so hurting. i never told her about my feelings.

i'm still discovering so much about myself, my bisexuality and everything i've been trough in my life. seeing these characters finding themselves around the same age as me is so, so comforting.

and not only about sexuality. see, i'm finishing my second graduation and i'm still not sure about the choices i made for my life. what does happiness mean to me?? this was such a major question specially for toma's narrative and this is one of the big questions that have been disturbing my mind for the past few years. happiness and freedom. this is what i wish for my life as well, but i'm still not sure what it means, or where can i find those things. am i simply choosing the easy, safe path? what do i want? what kind of life is possible for me to live? what kind of person is possible for me to become? what do i want, what do i think, who am i really?

oh teenage me, thinking i would have everything solved by the age of 27!! we're just as lost, it's just a bit different!!

mami choosing to love herself despite what everyone else says. toma telling futaba that she's the best friend she has. this is exactly what i've been going through.

how for many years i also wanted to be one of the guys and felt betrayed when they tried to kiss me at parties. i love how boys and girls' relationships are questioned in this story. can't boys and girls simply be good friends with each other? i was just recently talking about how i only allowed myself to actually go deep into my friendship with my best male friend after he got a girlfriend and i felt "safe" that he wouldnt end up hitting on me. that's so fucked up...

everyone's lack of confidence. the hardship of facing each other's feelings and misunderstandings and actually facing the emotional work that EVERY relationship requires, even friendships. keeping secrets. not always being able to do your best. wishing to not cause trouble to anyone and staying quiet on your own for it. how is all of this so relevant to my present self????? god!!!!!!

anyway. this writing sucks i'm so fucking sleepy and its way past my bedtime. but i just had to put some thpughts into words!!!!!

i really really loved this manga!!!!!!!!!!!!

[latinha23]

I agree. I think she's total trash and cannot imagine why he's with her. I guess you're right about him wanting companionship, but he surely could find someone better for that purpose... She's pretty and all that, but incredibly hateful and a total moron QAnon person. And I guess he is too. It's weird because a lot of his friends appear to be progressives/liberals and yet he's with her. His silence on her beliefs is deafening. Additionally, those friends have very little to do with her, if social media is to be believed.

I think for "normal" people a 9-year age gap between the two is significant, but in this specific situation, I agree that the gap isn't. I'm not in Hollywood or anything like it, but I dated a guy in my mid to late 20s who was around 9 or 10 years older than me and it was kind of weird in hindsight. Generally, someone in their mid-30s is in their career whereas someone in their 20s is at the beginning. IDK - it's different. They both seem pretty immature. I'm not sure if his bipolar lends to that or not.

I think same, besides his friends mostly date then...

But he definitely finds anyone way better than her! (I don’t think she’s pretty... being very honest, apart from all the filters and edits, I really don’t think so!! But taste is taste haha). Yes! She’s, but I don’t know about him I’ve never seen anything about it, but he’s not Trump’s supporter at least lol… but I think that’s surreal, I don’t like extremist people (no matter what area it is, I find it very boring!! And whether they like it or not end up being “dumb” because they close their minds as if it were absolute truth and learn nothing else). I definitely don’t understand what she’s doing there either, she doesn’t fit into ANYTHING in his life... all his friends, family, himself... she’s completely different… I think his friends/family ONLY tolerate her. 🫠 I also think it’s very strange he never commented on anything, but I wonder what that would be like? And if she’s like that in real life too, because she’s already said she does things online to confuse people 🤡 So it’s really someone you can’t trust or understand.

I understand what you mean anon, but I don’t think it’s that way... since the world is the world the relationship between a younger woman and someone older is romanticized, (unfortunately!!!) And for many people the “normal” is this... it’s more “beautiful/accepted” for a girl to be with an older guy than a younger, while when the woman is older than the man is “ugly/badly seen”. I understand that for you it must have been strange, especially when one starts demanding things and control stuff (I hope you’ve been well 🥺💚) I don’t care about age (as long as they are both adults lol) I’m only 24, but I’ve been with people aged 39 and 18... and in my case the 18 was more mature than the 39 lol, I believe some of the things that make something work is: matching vibe, visions of the future that walk together, admiration, respect and dialogue... without these things everything becomes more difficult. And yes! He’ll be 36, already has his career, stability, his goals and plans... she is 27 and “has nothing”, but it’s not her age’s fault... Everyone saw she always wanted an easy life, she never really wanted to work, she prefers to make money with her body… It seems she likes to be supported by people while she only smiling and waving… they are her choices, !!!I don’t judge!!!

I also see they are immature, but in different areas and she is totally different from his other exes or anyone he relates to, “it’s a red dot in the middle of black”... regarding bipolarity I don’t know, I’m also bipolar and he says he does treatment... I really don’t know if this is an episode or breakdown or not 😕

[anonil88]

Euphoria fans are popping out very weirdly after episode 5 of season 2.

Not gonna lie the things people, who are fans of the show, are saying about Rue and some of the other characters but especially Rue that are so malicious makes me so sick to my stomach. Its wayyy more triggering to me some of these takes about Rue episode 5 last night. To see someone say Rue deserves to be trafficked because she pushed her mom and her sister when spiraling made me teary eyes. If Rue wasn't an addict and it was just one of her other mental illnesses some people would have a very different tone but they don't. I say some because some honestly would say she did it to herself no matter what because they don't think mental illness is real. There are Zendaya stans who completely ignore Zendaya's post on Instagram and are saying the worst things about Rue.

The Jules hate was bad in season 1 but its so much worse and a lot more transphobic now within the fandom. It's disgusting the way people are taking their dislike of Jules and commenting horrid things that aren't a joke to Hunter. In season 1 initial airing nobody was out here saying that Jacob deserved to die or making inappropriate edits of his body. But with Hunter apparently its okay to misgender her and call her unprofessional even though it is just a rumor. I remember people said when they watched season 1 during March quarantine way after it aired that Jules was the real villian not Nate and even Sam said woah hold on now. Zendaya and Hunter said we need to do something so that these viewers are still attached to these characters but also see Jules as a person. I do get that some of the questionable writing in season 2 has made Jules' sea blob special murky, but that's still a 17 year old who has her own life to live. Which is not to be Rue's enabling service pixie dream girlfriend. But now when the character does the right thing by getting an adult involved she's now a rat, a snitch, and deserves to be verbally assaulted for it. What kind of mess?

Someone, a grown adult over the age of 20, today said Maddy is the abusive one in the relationship with Nate and that she pushed him to be a bad person. Toxic sure but how did she make him put his hands around her throat? Then a bunch more people went on to say yea Nate is a good guy, what in the victim blaming. I can't even say all of this discourse, straight up toxic behavior, and speculations are because teens want to watch something not meant for them because that was a grown woman.

The crits of Cassie were cool until it quickly became lets body shame Sydney and let's call Cassie a wh0re and a bunch of other shaming words. You can have empathy and not agree with someone's actions, you can not have empathy too but that doesn't mean "let's tell Sydney she is ugly". Then some of the "analyzations" don't talk about her faults in actions they just call her insults. I don't know who is teaching media analysis anymore but my god that's not how you do it.

Lexi is an angel in a lot of people eyes who can do no wrong. I'm sure even after her play people will still think because she's quiet and keeps her head down she won't have done anything wrong. But, exposing your sisters intimate traumas and your friends (A character based on Rue is in the play and Gia doesn't know but does go to the same school) gritty trauma to the entire student body and their parents is a violation of privacy. It's wrong but they won't see it that way because Lexi is the sweet girl next door who doesn't get into any trouble.

I am so angry and upset to see Kat storyline get cut and Barbie to get benched. But a part of me is so glad that Barbie isn't getting whatever energy has come with season 2 besides people telling her "you and hunter ruined the show for not doing your jobs." Which is people not understanding that actors are humans too. But the way people on social media would have jumped straight to body shaming her and vilifying her if they went deeper into why she doesn't like Ethan, the nice guy. I'm glad she has gotten to avoid that entirely.

And to see these same people call Cal and Laurie good or girl bossify their characters is so weird. Its so odd, because the grace the extend to two adults who should be held to a high er level accountability some of these fans do not. They would rather vilify every action good or bad of 17 year olds with compounding serious issues like addiction, redeem Nate in their eyes because he's hot, and tell Cal Jacobs its okay he video tapes people without consent because he read his family for filth. All these characters are so flawed as people but its the kids that are offered no sense of redemption.

The show is meant to be a reflective piece of media for adults about their own experience and to have grace and empathy for themselves at that age and for kids who are that age now, entertainment aspects of it aside. Where the heck did all that empathy go.

[teacupcollector]

I Tolerate You... (Sherlock x Reader

Main Masterlist

Fluff Promptlist

Summary - Ever since meeting Sherlock everything seemed to be to be going great. Your life was spiraling upwards but so is your feelings for the great detective. When Molly’s jealous words get the better of you. Your insecurity seems to push Sherlock more in your direction causing another stepping stone to some thing greater and something more then just a friendship. Anon Requested: 7 and 27 from the Fluff Promptlist

Ever since John moved out you have taken his place. You are now tasked on going everywhere with Sherlock but you don’t mind. Problem is, is the slight age difference. He didn’t get your humor especially the slang that you use on a daily bases since you went back to college. 

You dropped out at 20 but now a few years later here you are again. Sherlock was really good when it came to certain assignments, like chemistry, or math but that isn’t the only thing he is good at. He has a great mind and sometimes it is hard to keep up. Unlike John he took time to explain his thought process to you. You didn’t know why though you weren’t anything special. Just a college student who has to much time on their hands. Mycroft seemed to think the same for a time. Yet he has never seen Sherlock treat any other woman this way. Mycroft is the only one who can see how taboo this partnership is/can be. He could tell that Sherlock had no idea of your affections and vise-versa/ There is a good 10 years between you but the chemistry between the two of you is strong. Mycroft decided to give you a chance. He had many tea meetings with you when Sherlock was out. He confronted you on your feelings which you proceeded to deny but once he swore to secrecy you began to spill the beans. “I mean I don’t know if what I feel exactly is “love” but I know I feel strongly for him...”  Mycroft sat and listened before asking. “What made these feelings come about?” This caused you to pause. “I know everyone says this but he really is brilliant, but I don’t want him for that reason.” You pause again trying to gather your thoughts. “He is very... I don’t know the term... accommodating? Sweet maybe? He doesn’t make me feel bad about myself.” You say dragging your thumb along the rim of your cup. “He doesn’t make me feel like a college drop out though I know he deduced it from the start he didn’t point it out... And you know Sherlock he will take any opportunity to show his brilliance.” Mycroft looks at you before saying. “What stops you from pursuing him?” He asks and you shrug. “I am to young for him... I am 24 about to turn 25 and he is in his mid-thirties.” You let out a sigh. “And I know I am way to childish for him. He would probably want someone more his age...” You say. Mycroft begins to interject but you continue to speak. “I mean. He must have deduced that I liked him... He just doesn’t want to say anything. I don’t blame him though. I would rather be here and stay his friend then not be here and lose what we have...” Mycrofts eyes seem to widen. “You really care for him don’t you...” You nod. 

“Yeah... Honestly I don’t know if I would still be here if it wasn’t for him. He showed me that set backs don’t determine what a great mind can do.” You look up at Mycroft “ In Sherlocks case it may be social cues or understanding certain emotion. For me?” You set the tea cup down and place your hands in your lap. “For me it is my lack of motivation... He gives me that motivation. He inspired me to go back to college. I dropped out when I was 20. I was 23 when I met him and here I am nearly 25 and I am already at the top of my class.”  Mycroft shifts slightly. “That is truely inspiring (Y/N). I am glad my brother has done some good but I will say he can be quite oblivious.” Mycroft stands up grabbing his umbrella and hanging it over his wrist. “That may work out in your favor because so far I believe he hasn’t caught on to your affections.”  He walks over to the main door and turns back to you. “If something does become of you... You have my blessing.” He says with a nod before exiting. You feel heat come to your cheeks when you hear the door in the floor bellow slam shut.

As of right now you are sitting in front of him as he looks through his microscope in the morgue lab thing. He was spewing some facts on a current case when he notices that you weren’t adding anything to the conversation. He looks up at you and you just continue to stare. “Has my excellence rendered you speechless?” He asks with a smug look on his face and you groan. “No dude you have fuzz in your hair.” You say and lean over and pretend to remove something from his hair. In reality you just wanted to run your hair through his magnificent curls. “Why do you insist on calling me dude? You sound more American by the day.” He says and you laugh. “I am American dipshit.” Sherlock only rolls his eyes. “And insanely vulgar as usual (Y/N)...” “Just admit it! You are so in love with me.” You say. This causes you to let out another ugly belly laugh. If your eyes weren’t closed you would have noticed Sherlock’s slight smile before he continued with his work while you continue your math homework. Suddenly the door opens to see Molly who you have come acquainted with, yet she seems a little standoffish. You feel her look between the two of you. “Hey Molly!” You say and she gives a strained yet polite “Hi.” You continue your work. “You know a lab is no place to do college work.” Molly says as she walks up next to Sherlock. He doesn’t look up from his work but he says. “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you Molly...” He says in his regular monotone voice. You both look shocked. “Why would I be jealous of her!” Molly exclaims. “She is just some college student! She’s ju-” “She is just a woman who receives most of my attention.” He says turning toward her  “That is what makes you jealous Molly and your vibe is off putting now please.” He waves her off and Molly has a shocked look but she quickly rushes off while saying “You are even using her terminology...” Sherlock goes back to writing his notes when you speak up. “She is right you know... I am just a college student.” You say fiddling with your pencil. Sherlock pauses and looks up again. “Like... I don’t understand why you chose me as your partner in solving crime...” You say and begin packing your things. “You are feeling insecure. You shouldn’t let things people say get to you.” You pause in your packing and look up at him. Sherlock stands up and moves around the table and stands in front of you.

“I can’t really help it Sherlock... I mean why should she be jealous. She is a beautiful woman who is way closer to your age a-” “Why would your age affect how I feel?” He asks looking down at you. You have yet to meet his eye. “And what do you feel Sherlock? I am just some college drop out looking for redemption...I am nothing special...” You feel Sherlock place a hand on your shoulder. “Plus you don’t feel anything. Well for me at least. You always said sentiment was a weakness... And you also sa-” “I know what I say (Y/N)!” He exclaims causing you to jump and look up at him. “Sentiment is a weakness.” He says and your face falls. “It’s a feeling and I am not use to it. I’m not use to you.” You look confused and go to say something but he covers your mouth. “Let me speak... I am not good with words and I need to get this out.” He says and uncovers your mouth. He places both hands on your shoulders and sighs. “I am not use to you as in... I am not use to the feelings you give me... I... I don’t know the feeling it’s just.” He pauses for a moment and paces away from you his back facing you. “I know... I feel... I… I tolerate you… That is the only way I can describe it. I know it isn’t the chemical imbalance of love at least... at least not yet but I-” “I love you too Sherlock...” Sherlock's posture straightens as he turns around. You walk up to him and smile. “I know you don’t understand it yet and you don’t have to say it back but... I will be here waiting for when you are ready.” You say and he nods. “Thank you (Y/N)...” He leans down and kisses your temple. “I really... I really appreciate that.” Your face was beet red which caused a smirk to come over his face but overall this was the best moment you will probably have your entire life. It is sad that someone was there watching you waiting to ruin it.

[baecvlt]

Stalker Nagito Komaeda x Milf!Reader

this was requested via my twitter:

“Hey! i’ve seen your works and I’m in love. Can I request smut where a stalker Nagito Komaeda becomes obsessed with a milf reader who moves into the neighborhood who’s like a dom in bed and ya know just large bust and taller than him. Thank youuu🤍”

a/n: ofc. but I have my own idea of a dom which i’ll use involving certain things (heed warnings)

warnings: he is so obviously a virgin in this, degradation, slight masochism, asphyxiation, spit, also Nagito calls the reader mommy (side note: nagito is in his early 20s in this, he lives alone. age of reader isn’t specified BUT I say she’s in her late 20s/early 30s)

• • •

It was a bright day...which Nagito despised. It was summer. He hated the sun, hated the mosquitoes, and the unnecessary humidity. It was days like these he wishes he was back at his university dorm. The A/C, the tall tree covering his window and blocking the sun...it was perfect. Hell, he didn’t even hate classes. Yet, he couldn’t live in the dorms forever. When it came time to buy a home, he stupidly did so in fall, moved in during the winter.

Well, no shit the home seemed perfect then. It wasn’t fucking summer. His A/C decided to break, his windows has a great view of the sun, and most of his friends were out of town (all except Hajime, but Hajime is fucking boring and a bummer). Nagito sat on his couch, watching reruns of old tv shows. He took a sip from his nearby glass (cold water), suddenly hearing sounds of what appeared to be a loading van. He looked outside his window.

A moving van?

Right, that one old man who lived there passed away. Freak accident, by the way. Oh well, may he rest in peace. Meanwhile, Nagito was being himself and trying to see who it was. Pretty much, the dude was being nosy. He saw another car pull up. That must’ve been the family’s car. Out jumped 3 kids, what appeared to be 2 girls and 1 boy. An adult stepped out. Nagito decided he’d get a better look at the situation. He put on his shirt, black jeans, and his green hood.

He was “going for a walk”.

Without being noticed, he made his way to the other side of the street. It was a woman, she was taking boxes out of the truck. The minute Nagito saw her it was if he was stricken by Cupid’s arrow. She was tall and beautiful. Her skin complimented her hair and her legs, he couldn’t take his eyes off them. Her breasts...he needed to stop—

“Hi!”

She was in front of him, a warm and inviting smile on her face. “H-Hi,” he muttered. She didn’t hear him well, so it helped that he waved. “I’m new in the neighborhood. We just moved in,” she added, putting the box down. She stuck her hand out, going for a handshake. He shook her hand, her warm hand against his cold ones. Why are his hands always cold? “I see,” he responded, getting his shit together,“I’m Nagito Komaeda. I live across the street”. She introduced herself and complimented his house.

“What a lovely home. I hope the neighborhood is just as lovely”

“It should be. It’s pretty quiet. There’s not many families here. Say, can I help you pack?”

“You’re too sweet! I’d really appreciate it”

He helped take all the boxes in her home, helping load a couch too, and help with other large objects. They finished in 9 hours, taking a majority of the day. “Thanks for helping out, Nagito”. She made a lemonade, handing him a glass.

“Don’t mention it! Also, thank you”

One of the kids ran in the living room where they sat on the couch. He gasped when he saw Nagito. “Mommy! That man looks dead!!!”. Nagito smiled, but his mom was not amused. “Michael! Apologize..”. The kid kept smiling and said,“Sorry!”. He ran to another room. “I’m so sorry,” she muttered. Nagito shook his head.

“Hey, I’m rather malnourished”

“Ha. On an unrelated topic, are you hungry? I could make us something”

“Oh, I shouldn’t linger any longer. I wouldn’t want to disturb your husband”

She laughed. “I know you mean no harm, but I’m not married,” she added. “Oh,” Nagito muttered,“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it in any way”. She shook her head and reassured him it was fine. “Sit, Nagito,” she pulled out a chair,“I’m not letting you refuse having dinner with us. Especially since you were such help”. She rubbed his back before heading back into the kitchen to begin cooking.

She made him a bowl of pasta, adding chicken on the side. Nagito was quite happy. He hadn’t eaten a good meal in so long. Her kids didn’t eat at the table, but on the counter. Meanwhile, she ate with Nagito. Just as Nagito thought he couldn’t grow fonder of her, he did just that. All she did was let him talk about himself.

“Jesus, I’m sorry about your parents? How are you keeping yourself afloat with university and expenses?”

“Academic scholarships”

“Wow, you’re such a smart boy”

The way she phrased it made him flustered. “Thank you for the meal, ma’am,” he muttered,“I haven’t eaten like this in who knows how long”. She smiled tenderly, picking up his empty plate. “Seconds?”. He shook his head.

“No, thank you. I’m already so full”

“I’m glad. You know, there’s always a meal for you in store if you can do me a favor”

“What’s that?”

“My oldest daughter has her final test this week. You think you can help her study? I’ll make you a nice, warm meal every time you come over”

Nagito thought about it. He would also have time around her. Plus, she wasn’t a bad cook. “Of course, I look forward to it,” he told her. “Lovely”. He got up and excused himself to go home. “It was nice having you over, Nagito,” she said softly. He could tell she was getting sleepy. When people are tired, Nagito has noticed that their tone is rather sheepish. She walked him to the door, ruffling his hair playfully and he blushed. “Goodnight, neighbor”.

“Goodnight, you”

Before he left, she stopped him and handed him a paper: (xxx) xxx-xxxx ♡

“Call me when you get home so I have your number saved. Then, I can call you when my daughter, Vanessa, needs help. Take care, okay?”

He nodded.

She closed the door, his thoughts racing on his way home. He picked up some things about her, things she didn’t even tell him. He went home and opened a notebook, writing all of it down. He called her and she answered, her voice as sweet as when he left (only sleepier). “Hello?”. His breath was heavy without realizing it as he spoke. “H-Hey, you told me to call you,” he breathed,“It’s Nagito...Komaeda”

“Oh, hey, angel! I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“What? No, it’s all good— why’d you think so?”

“You sound like you need to catch your breath, but anyway, thanks for calling me. I’ve saved your number now”

“Oh, great! Well, if that’s all, I’ll let you go to bed now”

“It was. Goodnight, Nagito”

“G-Goodnight”

He hung up, flustered more than ever as he continued to jot down his thoughts on paper. The next day, he woke up at 6am to wait in his car. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. At around 7:41am, his front neighbor and kids headed for their car. Nagito, who had taken a light nap in the driver’s seat, was awoken by the car starting. He waited for the car to drive away just slightly past his house to start his own car, slowly tailing behind her.

He dropped her kids off at the nearby elementary. She got off, kissed them on their forehead (all minus the eldest, who walked swiftly through the gates). Seeing how she cared for them made Nagito feel bad, but all he did was brush that feeling off. Next, he followed her through her daily. As he did, his notes from last night echoed through his mind, adding new detail.

“She works at an office not everyday She doesn’t have allergies but is sensitive to dust Red seems to be her favorite color but always in a darker shade Her daughter is around 10 years old She isn’t vegan but enjoys almond milk Maybe has an issues with abandonment but I can’t assume that either She buys many apples but not the same amount of bananas at the store so maybe she only eats the bananas—”

Just more to add to his notebook.

He got home before she did, writing down what he had learned. His phone rang about an hour later of him getting home. He picked it up,“Hello?”. “Nagito, hi!”. It was her. He started having a mini-panic attack, because why would she be calling him? “H-Hey, how are you?”

“I’m doing alright. I was wondering if you could come over and tutor Vanessa”

Oh, thank god.

“Yes, of course. I’ll be down there right now”

“Great. See you then!”

He was relieved, heading to her home happily. He knocked on the door. When she opened it, she did so with the same warm smile as yesterday. “Thank you for coming over,” she said,“She’s in her room”. Nagito nodded, freezing when she grabbed his hand and took him to the room. Her touch was so soft, noted. They got to the room, where a girl was reading a book on a desk. “Nessa?”. The girl turned around.

“Nagito is going to be here for a few hours to help you out with homework and studying. He’s really smart, so pay attention and be respectful”

“Okay, mom”

She nodded, squeezing Nagito’s shoulder before leaving. Nagito approached the girl, she took her things out. Before he could speak, she stopped him. “Please don’t call me ‘Nessa’,” she whispered,“It’s bad enough my mom does, but not you, Please”.

“Don’t worry. I wasn’t planning on referring to you at all”

“Bastard”

“Nessa”

“I guess I walked right into that one”

Nagito laughed, grabbing a chair and sitting next to her. Her work wasn’t what he expected. Is this what they’re teaching kids now? He could’ve sworn he hadn’t seen this type of stuff until he hit middle school. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t do, but damn. All in all, tutoring went well. Vanessa actually learned something today. “Good job!,” he said. “Thank you,” she smiled and hugged him,“I felt so stupid”.

“Hey, its okay not to understand things”

Her mom walked in. “Dinner’s ready”. Vanessa got up and went to the kitchen. “How’d it go?,” she asked Nagito. “Went well, she gets the math now,” he answered. She smiled, thanking him for his help and asking him to join them for dinner. He’d be foolish not to, so he accepted the invite.

Fish tacos were served tonight with rice and beans, another lemonade made. It was different than anything Nagito had ever had, but that doesn’t equate to bad. He actually enjoyed the meal. The kids sat at the main table today, much more respectful than yesterday. “Michael how was school?”. He put a thumbs up, getting back to eating. “And Adrianna?”. She looked up from her meal and shrugged. “What’s wrong?”.

“I’m tired, but class was okay”

“Oh, okay. When you’re done, just take a quick shower and get to bed”

“Thanks”

Nagito thought it was endearing. Seeing how understanding and loving she was, it was refreshing. The kids all eventually left, Nagito finishing his meal. “Did you like it?”. He looked at her, nodding. “Great! Seconds?”.

“Full again. I don’t usually eat, but your food is always so good”

“Oh, you’re just saying things...”

“No, really! Thank you”

He said his goodbyes to the family, walking back home. It was as if he was falling for this woman more and more everyday. He went to sleep, this time dreaming of her. He never dreams, but this time he dreamt she was on her knees for him. Then, nothing else. It was as if his dream teased him.

The next morning, he woke up to some knocking on the door. He looked at the time. 8:23am. He put on a pair of jeans and his shirt, walking to his door. He opened it and there she stood, wearing a black dress and red heels. He assumed she had work and needed a favor before going. “Good morning,” he said.

“Were you following me yesterday?”

Shit.

“I, uh...,” he didn’t know what to answer. He was indeed following her yesterday. He also liked her, so if he straight up said that he was to following her, it’d ruin things. His face was glowing a shade of pink to a slight red as he thought of the right answer. He was still stumbling over his words. “I think it’s kinda cute,” she added. The fuck? “Huh?”. She pushed him inside the house, closing and locking the door behind him. “When a boy follows someone around, it’s because he wants something,” she added, but her tone was so sultry,“Well, Nagito—”. She pushed him onto the couch, leaning in front of him with her hands on his chest.

“—What do you want?”

None of what was happening felt real. Nagito couldn’t find the words to express what exactly he wanted. This was the first time he’d ever been in a situation like this, it wasn’t a bad one either. He began to panic when she straddled him. “Could it be that you wanted me?,” she asked. He frantically nodded and she laughed as she locked her lips with his. He gasped against her lips, kissing back. She slowly trailed her kisses down to his neck, cupping his jaw while grinding on his lap. Nagito moaned, his shaky hands grabbing her ass. She grabbed his hands and put them away from her. “It’s cute that you’re getting this carried away”.

“I’m sorry”

“No time to apologize. Get on your knees for mommy”

Nagito was about to lose his mind when she said that, but he obeyed. Her presence was domineering as he stood on his knees against his carpeted floor. She spread her legs, noticing Nagito desperately trying to get a look. Her red heel stopped him, stepping on his head lightly. “Am I teasing you?,” she asked,“It’s okay to be honest”.

“Y-You are, but its okay. I want to be teased by you”

“You’re adorable,” she took her heel off his head,“Let’s go to your room”.

He practically ran to his bed. He sat and waited patiently. She entered the room, heading to his bed. She began to take off his shirt, admiring his frame. She then unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans. He kicked them off and sat down. She sat next to him. “Give me your hands”. She held them, frowning slightly. “Boo, they’re so cold,” she teased,“I’ll warm them up for you”. Carefully, she grabbed his left hand, putting his middle and ring finger in her mouth. She licked to his fingertips, leaving him tense and speechless. She stopped and smiled at him.

“This is your first time, isn’t it?”

He nodded shyly. “Don’t be shy,” she said,“I’m going to guide you, but I’m also going to have my fun”. He gulped, nodded. She stood up and removed her dress. She wore a lacy black bra and panties. She brought his hands to her breasts, allowing him to fondle them. They were huge in his hands. “You like them, baby?”. “Y-Yes,” he muttered,“Can you, uh, take....the bra off?”. He was ashamed when asking, he felt desperate. She smiled and nodded, unhooking it and allowing the bra to fall to the ground. He gasped at the sight of her tits, grabbing them. She straddled him.

“Do you know what to do with them?”

He nodded, rubbing one and sucking the other. She moaned sweetly, grinding on his lap. He popped his mouth off them. That was when she took the opportunity to knock him onto the bed. She began to make out with him, shoving his tongue down her throat. They lay sideways. Her hand was on his neck, slightly choking him. He couldn’t resist but try to grind on her lap. She laughed. “Look at you,” she mocked,“Humping my leg like a desperate little puppy”. She didn’t let him speak, sitting up and pushing him back down. “I’m going to give you what you want,” she whispered in his ear,“Take your cock out”.

He was nervous as he did, hands shaky. She blushed a bit at his size. “It’s so big,” she said, straddling him,“I’m going to have my way with it”. “Please, do what you want to me,” he begged,“Abuse me, please”. She didn’t speak, sinking down on it. Nagito gasped, she was extremely wet. She began to bring her hips up and land straight down on it, repeatedly. She put her hands around his throat, now being rougher. Nagito gasped for air, grabbing her hands.

That was a mistake.

“Hands down,” she ordered, striking him across the face. “Sorr-”. He was slapped once again. “Only speak when you’re spoken to”. He nodded as his stomach began to cave in. His cock twitched each time she slapped him, making her moan. She leaned forward, capturing his earlobe between her teeth. He winced, his hands tangling in the sheets. He felt as though his entire body was blushing.

“You’re so sensitive there”

She teased him, kissing the skin and nibbling. His hips involuntarily snapped upward, making her whine. “You’re so desperate, baby,” she laughed,“it’s so cute”. He could feel her warmth running along his cock. He bit into his hand, trying to stop himself from cumming inside her. It worked, but she didn’t like him doing that. She grabbed his hands and kissed them.

“Don’t hurt yourself, put them right here”

She placed them on her boobs. He watched them bounce up and down, grabbing them gently. His rather large hands seemed small on her tits. He was extremely flushed. He took them off her and placed them on her hips. “Open your mouth”. He lay back more and did as he was told. She leaned forward, grabbing his jaw again as she spit into it and kissed him. He moaned when she did, his urges getting the best to him and thrusting upward. He hit her cervix every time, causing her to produce the sweetest and sluttiest of moans. Her walls tightened around him and now he was whining. “Are you gonna cum, honeybun?,” she asked.

“Y-Yes..”

“Where do you wanna cum?”

“I wanna cum...everywhere. I want it. I want it so bad. I wanna cum inside and on your tits, on your ass, y-your face..mouth. Please let me cum, mommy”

She motivated him, riding him harder. “Come on, Nagito,” she whispered,“Cum for mommy. Cum all the way inside her”. He lost his mind after that, groaning as he shot his load(s) inside her. He was still inside her as he tried catching his breath. She rubbed his chest, shushing him. “Good boy, you did so well,” she cooed,“Such a good boy.” He was covering his face, embarrassed and still hard. “I wasn’t too rough, was I?,” she asked. He shook his head, thinking,“Not rough enough”. He whined when she got off, revealing he was still erect. She noticed.

“You wanna go again, baby? Kids don’t leave school till 2:30. We have time for an extra fuck”

“C-Can I?”

“Yes, dummy”

She let Nagito choose how to fuck her. He wanted missionary, mostly because he craved intimacy and she did not disappoint. She kissed and praised him, telling him he was good. She held onto him the whole time and cuddled him afterwards. Nagito felt so special, he felt loved. “I can come over when I don’t have work,” she said,“Would you like that?”.

“I’d love that actually”

“You make me happy, Nagito. I could stay here and cuddle all day”

“I feel so lucky”

He yawned, looking at the clock. “Its 10,” he told her. She nuzzled his chest, humming. “Mmmm, let’s take a small nap,” she whispered,“Okay?”. “Okay”. He kissed the top of her head and held her to him, slowly joining her in slumber.

[just-a-really-tall-girl-tbh]

Grounded

Summary: Y/n is kidnapped and forced to reveal secrets of the pack

Pairing: Derek X Reader

Warnings: Blood, torture, swearing

Word count: 2605

Original piece please don’t copy

The school bell rang for the final time that day, a collective sigh of gratitude echoed in the room, the teenagers grateful to be released from the maths teacher’s class. Gathering your books, you stacked them in a neat pile before exiting the room, offering a small smile to your defeated teacher. It wasn’t her fault maths sucked and no one enjoyed it, you did feel bad for her on some level but also who the hell would willingly dedicate their life to teaching numbers?

Entering the hallway, you made your way through the sea of teenagers, everyone desperate to go home for the weekend. Reaching your locker, you grabbed the couple books you needed, shoving them into your backpack, thinking about the homework you had due on Monday you sighed. The door to your locker slammed shut before you could close it.

“Hey, you ready?” Stiles smiled.

“I told you I can walk home.” You rolled your eyes, walking away from the boy. Surprised by your quick movement, Stiles jogged to catch up to you, throwing an arm lazily around your shoulders.

“I know you can walk home but why would you when you have me?”

Exiting the main doors of the high school, you welcomed the fresh warm air, the smell of angsty teens left behind you. Reaching the end of the pavement, you saw the jeep parked a few cars away.

“Stiles I want to walk.” You turned to face the boy.

“Y/n, you heard what Derek said okay? All these recent attacks? The break ins and thefts? He doesn’t want you alone.” Stiles tried to reason with you. Knowing the recent spike in criminal activity was less than likely to involve the supernatural, you felt safe walking the 20-minute trip home. In fact, you enjoyed the peace it brought you. Half of the walk was through the woods, a quiet haven from the busy high school, and being autumn, you relished in the yellow and orange leaves that swept through the small woodlands.

“Stiles. It’s 20 minutes. I’ll text you when I get home okay?” Stiles sighed.

“You know Derek is going to kill me if I let you, you know, that right? You like the idea of alive Stiles because I do! And I am not letting you be the reason I don’t make it to my 20’s okay?”

“Derek doesn’t have the balls to kill you.” You turned on the heel of your foot, headed towards the woods, leaving a defeated Stiles in your wake.

“I’m telling Derek you said he has no balls!” He called after you. You let out a small laugh, grabbing your headphones from your backpack, and your phone from your pocket, you scrolled through your playlist, deciding today was the perfect day for (Your current favourite song).

Entering the woods, you felt a rush of calm wash over you, the stressful week was pushed to the back of your mind, your thoughts centred on the surrounding woods. You stepped over exposed roots and around large bushes, glancing up at the sky you watched as the wind swept through the foliage, the ageing leaves dancing in the light breeze. The sun peaked through the cracks, determined to reach the forest floor, providing the perfect amount of light for your stroll. The floor of the woods had been coated in fallen leaves, leaving a blanket of red and orange below your feet. Taking a moment to stop and appreciate the tranquillity the forest provided you, you felt your phone buzz in you pocket.

Home yet? I’m this close to sending out a search party!

Rolling your eyes and shaking your head you began typing a response.

You need to…

Before you could finish you felt a knock to your head, your vision distorted, the soft sound of music playing through your headphones which were now next to you on the forest floor, was the only thing you could hear before everything went black.

***

Another blow straight to your stomach knocked the wind out of you. Coughing and spluttering you attempted to regain your breath, each inspiration hurting more than the last.

“Oh, you are so going to regret that.” You mumbled.

Leaning to the side of the chair you spat a mixture of saliva and blood to the ground, you couldn’t tell where the source of the blood was coming from, maybe your lip, or maybe the inside of your mouth. Too many lacerations to your face meant it all blended into one.

You raised your eyes to meet your rival, struggling to see through the blood you saw one man wiping his fists on an old rag, your blood coating his knuckles. He faced a woman to your left, who sat with one bent knee up on a bench. Her back leaning against the wall adjacent to you, a smug grin on her face.

You rotated your wrists which were bound behind you, the thick rope digging into your skin. Your ankles were bound too, tied to the legs of the wooden chair you sat on.

“You’re going to tell us what we want sweetie, its just a matter of how beat up that pretty face is going to be before you tell us.” The woman commented, as she played with her fingernails, pushing the cuticles back. If she was trying to look disinterested, she was doing a great job. But you were ready for this. You trained for this. You knew what was coming, and if it meant keeping your friends, the pack, safe, then you would gladly take whatever they threw at you.

The mans fist connected with your jaw once more, snapping you out of your daze. The room began to spin around you, and your vision blurred. Trying to recenter yourself you pulled at your wrists, the pain of the rope grinding into your skin giving you something to focus on.

“Alright careful there, big guy, we need her conscious if we’re going to get that information.” The woman stood from her seat, striding slowly over to you, before bending at the waist in front of you. She reached out to grab your face, but as soon as her fingers made contact with your skin you pulled away. A stern look, on your face made the woman let out a small laugh.

“You’re a tough one aren’t you.” She turned her head, almost admiring your battered body before her. “Too bad that doesn’t mean shit around here.” Grabbing your hair, she yanked your head back, exposing your neck to the room. Moving to stand behind you she held out her other hand, gesturing towards the man in front of you. Without a word exchanged, the man grabbed a knife from a nearby table, its blade glinting in the moonlight the small window above you allowed.

“Sweetheart, you have no idea who you are dealing with do you?” The woman whispered in your ear, her grip on your hair only tightening as she neared the knife to your throat. You felt the cold edge, lightly cross your neck, not enough to pierce the skin, but enough for you to avoid swallowing.

Taking a deep breath in you closed your eyes. Grounding yourself was apart of your training, something that was drilled into you from the beginning. Breathing in again, you picked up on the different smells the room produced, sweat from the man in front of you, poorly masked by his cheap cologne. The sweet smell of the woman’s hair from behind, her locks dangling beside your face. The overwhelming metallic smell of blood being the most potent. You changed your focus to your heartbeat. Feeling it pounding against your chest begging to be released you pictured your heart slowing, its contractions reducing with every breath you took. Steadying your breathing was next. Cautious of the blade still connected to your neck you breathed in through your nose, holding in for a few seconds before releasing softly through your mouth. Repeating those steps, you were able to regain some stability. You were still in the same crappy scenario but at least now you were calmer. A panicking person is an interrogators wet dream. A calm person, their nightmare.

Sensing your self-control increase, the woman let go of your hair, moving the knife from your neck to the table beside the man. Standing before you once more, she knelt in front of you, keeping one knee up for balance, she waited for your eyes to open once more. Regaining the control, you almost lost, you felt strong enough to open your eyes once more. Staring at you the woman barely moved, she was searching your eyes for something, her expression a mixture of shock and impressed.

“You’re not afraid.” Her words barely above a whisper. Your only response was a return glare. A small smile creeping on to the face of your kidnapper. “They trained you well.”

Standing, she turned to the man behind her, whispering something in his ear before turning back to face you, her arms crossed against her chest. The man dropped the rag he was still holding and left the room, the sound of the door locking behind him.

“Let’s cut the bullshit honey. You have information I need. And I know I’m not going to break you, not by torturing you anyways. So, let’s try something else, shall we?” The woman began to pace back and forth in front of you, the small room only allowing her a few steps before being forced to turn around again. Your eyes followed her, left and right, before she stopped in front of you once more, still facing forward.

Taking in a sharp breath, she spoke. “How’s your sister doing?” She turned to face you. Refusing to let her know she was finally making some progress with you, you remained staring at her. Resuming her pacing she continued speaking.

“She’s what 5 now? Gosh so young. But you know what they say right? They grow up so fast.” Your eyes tracked the woman, more intently than before. This woman knew your family. Something that was always off limits when the pack was involved. Your attempts at shielding them from the supernatural had been successful, keeping that part of your life private even from Derek. And here this woman stood, threatening them. Threating to take away your motivation to make the world safer. Unfazed by your lack of reaction the woman carried on.

“Soon enough she’ll be going to high school, making friends, maybe even realising who her sister really is.” She stopped before you once more, bending at the waist she placed her hands on the arms of the chair you were bound to. “You didn’t think you could protect them, forever did you?” Tears threatened to fall from your eyes. No amount of calm breathing could ground you now. “Aw babe.” Her hand raised to your cheek, ready to wipe away the falling tear. You only pulled away from her once more, hating the way her skin on yours felt. “Don’t tell me I hit a nerve, did I? Sucks doesn’t it. Well, there is one way of ensuring your little family stay naïve to the world around them.” She stood tall once more, her voice now deeper, more sinister than before. “Tell me what I want to know.”

You had no choice, right? She threatened your family, your sister. You protected them from so long, only for you to be the reason they are in danger. Looking down at your lap, tears hit your thighs unable to control them you simply let them fall. Taking a deep breath, you looked up at the woman before you, a smirk present on her face which made it so much harder to say what you were about to. But the images of your sister raced through your mind. The way her hair shone in the autumn sun, the way her smile reached her eyes when she was really, truly happy, the way she greeted you after school every day by running down the front path directly into your arms. That was the highlight of your day, finishing school and-

Wait

You never responded to Stiles.

You never texted him back, and the kidnappers were kind enough to bring your phone into the room with you – hoping to get some information.

Your eyes moved to the door behind the woman, a loud crash followed by a heavy grunt sounded from behind the entranceway. The woman whipped her head around, only to be met by silence. She slowly approached the doorway.

“Adrian…?”

Silence

The woman turned back to you, unsure of herself. You only had a small smirk as a response. Before she could question you, the door busted open, barely remaining on its hinges, a rush of dust filled the room. Watching ahead as the dust clouds engulfed the woman, you heard a deafening roar followed by a petrified scream. Small thuds followed, as the dust reached your eyes you began coughing, the sudden pain in your ribs swiftly returning.

Two hands were placed on your shoulders, looking up you were met by two green eyes.

“Hey, you okay?” A worried Derek scanned your face, concern riddled him as he saw the multiple cuts and bruising before him. You could only nod, the dust denying you the ability to speak.

Moving behind you, he effortlessly cut the ties that bound your hands, then your legs. Using the arms of the chair to stable yourself, you attempted to stand, wincing when the pain became too much. Derek moved to your side, wrapping your arm over his shoulder. Carefully placing his arm around you, resting his hand on your hip he accepted most of your weight, attempting to make standing and walking easier. As you took a few steps forward, the dust cleared from your eyes and you were able to regain focus. Looking forward you saw the woman who threatened you, her back against the same wall the door was, her skin now covered in blood, her chest still rising and falling rapidly. Scott stood before her, looking down at the defeated woman, his eyes still red and his claws still present.

Clearing your throat, you stopped walking, causing Derek to pause and look over to you. You peered down at the woman, no longer in a position of power, she looked smaller, more gaunt than before. Her eyes showed she was petrified, providing some comfort to you after what she did.

“Sucks doesn’t it?” a whisper of a smirk present on your lips.

Proceeding to step forward through the doorway you were met by a panting Stiles, his arms stretched out in front of him, you couldn’t tell him to stop before his body connected with yours. You inhaled sharply, grimacing as pain rang throughout your body.

Derek used his free hand to grab Stiles by the shoulder, pulling him away from you, a small growl forming in his chest.

“Oh, shit sorry of course you’re hurt shit sorry.” The boy stumbled over his words, his eyes finally taking in the battered sight before him. He moved to the side of you not occupied by Derek, his help was welcomed by you, suddenly feeling lightheaded from standing.

The three of you began walking forward towards the exit of the building.

“Is now a good time to tell Derek, you think he has no balls?” Stiles piped up earning a death glare from Derek. “No? Okay we can come back to that.” You used whatever energy you had left to shake your head.

[angelkurenai]

Long overdue - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Title: Long overdue

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: None

Prompt: Could you please do a Bucky and y/n where she is shy but is really close to Steve and Bucky thanks their dating and he gets jealous because he loves her but they don’t really talk that much? Love your work

“Still not ready to retire old man?” you smiled, teasingly when the blonde looked at you over his shoulder, but always with a warmth in your eyes that only longtime friends, family, at this point could have. Especially after everything you've all been through.

“What did you just call me, right now?” he narrowed his eyes at you, a lightness and easiness in both his movement and voice, as you couldn't see much of his face at that moment. Granted there was still some heaviness in the atmosphere whenever silence followed, and his moves if one was to pay close attention could notice were short and stiff. And you do notice it.

But who could blame him? Things are better than what they've been five years ago but still, that doesn't mean good. Not when people were still lost in the battle, important ones. Also family.

It's as good as it can get for now at least, and to have your best friend alive and here with you is really the second best thing at the moment. So you can't nor will complain.

“Am pretty sure you heard me. Just as I am sure that if I looked close enough, I could spot a white strand of hair here and there.” you smirked when his eyes widened “But that's not the point here. What I mean is, it's been a good couple months since you gave up that shield, and yet you're still somehow around. Changed your mind, maybe you need a new one? I saw one the other day when I was in town, I think it would suit you.”

“I'm just taking my time, it's not that easy to find an apartment in Brooklyn. You know that.” he turned to fully face you, a frown on his face but it was anything but serious as he crossed his arms over his chest “Besides, weren't you the one that said I should take as much time as I need and that this will always be my home? What happened now? Can't wait to get rid of me?”

“Oh you figured it out, at last.” you played along, letting out a long sigh of relief “Yeah, I'm so sick and tired of seeing that perfectly handsome face all the time. Distracting, taunting and at the same time reminding me of the 20 skincare products I have to use yet again tonight, to look even remotely human.”

A deep chuckle escaped his lips, the easy smile managing to warm you deep to your heart, just as much as his arms did the moment they wrapped around you "If that is to say you look like an angel otherwise, then yes I will accept it.”

“Yeah, particularly the one that rules hell.” you chuckled.

“Why do I even try to say anything nice for you in the first place?” he laughed, shaking his head.

You giggled, wrapping your arms around him as well, trying to find some comfort in your friend- in your family, before you inevitably had to throw yourself into this new world without him. The new age of heroes where many things had changed and in which you wouldn't have someone to turn to any given moment, as easily as it was with Steve. Steve had always been that important. There still was one, much more important of course, but that treacherous heart of yours made it impossible for you to even remotely think you could be so open with him as with Steve. Not without turning every shade of red there was, anyway. “In any case-” you cleared your throat “I could still get you that shield and you can be back on the business in no time. With a new title, of course, but still doing the job... which involves making me breakfast and dinner when I'm too tired. I mean, now that I think about it, you can still keep up that job even if you don't wanna be out on the field.”

“Ah so I do see why you want me to stay after all.” he nodded his head “By the way, what kind of shield are we talking about?”

“Oh it's a special one. I think it was based off a movie? You know how they are with superhero movies lately. And given how bright pink it was I'm guessing Captain Barbie or someth-” but you didn't even get to complete your sentence when a yelp left your lips and soon laughter followed. His fingers moved swiftly as he tickled your sides but you were faster at swatting his hands away.

“Fine, fine. Not a fan of cinema, I see.” you shook your head with a sigh.

“Yeah, forgive me, but we all have flaws. Even me. Is that the real reason why you want me out of here as soon as possible, maybe?” he raised an eyebrow.

“You've got me. Deep down I cannot stand the fact.” you shrugged innocently, but the smile on your lips betraying what you felt.

“Man, I feel the love. You all are glad I came back alive from returning the stones I see.” he said only as a joke, focusing back to gathering the papers filled with older drawings that he had on his table.

“... I am glad you are still here, though, Steve.” you said softly and he looked over his shoulder at you again. This time he didn't just pause, he let go of the papers and turned to face you.

“Where else would I be?” this time a frown set on his face, more serious than any other you'd seen on his face so far, because he understood what your words meant “This is where my family is.”

“Well, yeah, but I mean-” you bit the inside of your cheek and shrugged “There still were more options. More than you had before.”

“More options, yes. A need for a choice? No. I'm good, more than good. And I wouldn't change a thing about what I have here...” he shrugged softly, looking at you carefully almost with calculating eyes before he started speaking again “I mean, save for one thing I suppose. There is always-”

“Don't. Don't you even-” you gave him a sharp look, fast enough to cut him off “Not unless you want me to kick your ass out of here, right now.” you shook your head, lowering your voice “We agreed we wouldn't talk about it. You promised me you wouldn't bring it up again, Steve. You promised.”

You adored your best friend, you honestly did, but moments like this you really wished you had not told him a single word. Not that he wouldn't have figured it out by himself. He was a persistent man, standing by his opinion no matter what. And this time, seeing as he was somehow convinced your feelings could be reciprocated, he did everything in his power to convince you to act on them. He was the only one that knew the truth and you didn't really know if it was a blessing to have someone to talk to about it or a nightmare with how he acted.

“I try but it is too hard seeing how idiotic the two people closest to me can be.” he crossed his arms over his chest, making you frown for a moment in confusion “And I'm still having a hard time understanding why. I get that you have trouble opening up to people, more than just get it. I know how it is. I'm not the most open person exactly, either, and the thought of getting attached to someone is terrifying given the job we do. But it's not just someone, someone random, we're talking about here. There is nothing to be shy abo-”

“I'm not shy about a damn thing, Steve, stop saying that.” you huffed, giving him a hard look “I'm a grown-ass woman who has saved your ass and the world at the same time, more times than I can count. I'm not some schoolgirl to be shy or crushing or daydreaming or whatever word you wanna use again about- about me and you-kow-who.” the fact that you couldn't even say your name for fear of him somehow being around and hearing did make you look no more mature than a schoolgirl.

“All I'm saying is that if you opened up more, you may be surprised in ways that you couldn't even imagine.”

“Oh like him telling me he feels the same? Well, let's see: you are his best friend, practically his brother. He confides in you, trusts you with his life and everything important to him. Has he told you he sees me as anything more than a friend?”

“Well, he-” he paused “No, not really. He doesn't seem to want to talk much about it... you, with me. Like when I bring you up he gets too stiff but I- I see the way he looks at you! He may not admit it-”

“Because there is probably nothing to admit! It's all in your mind and I can't get my hopes up over just a feeling, Steve.”

“Look, all I'm saying is-” he sighed, shaking his head “All this- All this waiting, and pining because you know that's what this is-” he pointed a finger at you before you could get to retort “You know that's exactly what this is! Waiting and hoping it- it goes away somehow? That your feelings for him are something that will just pass like a scratch on knee, or that you'll cover it up and it will be like they don't exist? This is not how it works. You have to try your chance because if you don't then you'll only live to regret it, and I know you will the same I know it's not something that goes away. He may not see it, but I do. And the way you look at Buc-” he stopped himself when your eyes widened, he sighed instead and raised his arms in surrender “The way you look at him, the way you care and-” he stopped himself, shaking his head before slowly approaching you again.

“For god's sake, the way you love, (Y/n), that is not something that can easily be found. This love that you have in you, this big heart that you are so willing to give without a second thought, the care and selfless devotion is- it's one of a kind.” he slowly wrapped his arms around you, looking you carefully in the eyes “You are one of a kind. And anyone that has even part of your love should thank his lucky stars because it is a blessing to be loved by a woman like you. Waiting is one thing, but to be loved like this and not know it, it would be the biggest tragedy in one's life, (Y/n).”

You knew he was only saying everything because he wanted to help you out, to give you a push as gentle as possible towards the right direction. How right was it for you to confess to his best friend that you've always had feelings for him for so long and possible ruin the dynamics and relation you'd built with all of them (besides making a terrible fool of yourself), you didn't know. You were scared to even think of telling him the truth when you could barely utter a few words in his presence because of that treacherous heart of yours that jumped around like crazy whenever he was near.

“Says the world's leading authority on waiting too long.” you mumbled as a weak excuse, knowing he was right, and let your head rest on his chest as he tightened the hold around your waist.

“Yeah, well, speaking from experience I suppose.” he kissed the top of your head “I just want you to be happy, you know how important you are to me. And I would hate to-”

He didn't, however, get to finish his sentence when another voice was heard “Hey, Steve, you done with those-” but his words were also cut off as he breathed a low, gruff “Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“Wha- No, hey, Buck. Not interrupting.” Steve gave his friend a soft smile, pulling away from you and giving you a chance to take a goo look at his friend, and a good look you did take “Just having a word here with (Y/n). Sorry to keep you guys waiting.”

“No I uh should've thought so. Judging from the heartfelt words and all that. I shouldn't have assumed you were talking to yourself, I suppose.” he was mostly speaking to Steve but his eyes were mostly on you, a soft smile on his lips though it didn't reflect on his eyes at all. After barely half a beat, he spoke to you “Hey (Y/n). How you've been?”

“Hello Bucky.” you smiled as well, your throat closing up “Good, you?” you asked and he gave you a soft nod, without taking his eyes off you. Not that you did either. How could you?

Even if somebody were to warn you about it, it would never be able enough to prepare you for what you were seeing. You always knew and would easily admit that the man was good-looking, but this- this even more attractive than you could even imagine. You had seen photos of him back in the days, with his hair shorter and his face on full display, but to see him in person was a whole other thing. It took your breath away to have his eyes fully on you and not for a second hidden. It felt like his whole face was more open, even though his features were still somewhat clouded; the weight on his shoulders wouldn't go away anytime soon that was for sure. But to be able to be like the man he was back then was more than in looks, he could slowly feel like him again.

“Because that would have made so much sense now, wouldn't it?” Steve spoke up.

“Probably. I don't know, I just heard the last sentence anyway, so-” he shrugged, his eyes only stealing a glimpse at you before looking away in what seemed like guilt which you could not understand “Apologies about that. If you guys wanna stay alone some more, I can go by the car and wa-”

“Nah we're good here, all that lady's been doing is distract me anyway.” Steve shot you a playful look “Maybe you can help me out here a bit. I'll take this bag to the car and (Y/n) can tell what else we need from the desk.”

“Alright, I-” Bucky hesitated only for a second, his eyebrows pulling into a frown when Steve all-too-eagerly grabbed his only full bag of clothes and left his room, all excited to leave you alone with Bucky and you would have glared at him if you didn't feel terrified “There he goes.” Bucky sighed before turning to you with a soft smile “Ok, so is there anything you need help with?”

“I uh ye-yeah. Steve was gonna gather his drawings next so given they're important we could... do that.” you breathed out a little hastily but also in a low voice as you rushed to get to the desk. Bucky didn't say a word himself, only letting the tense silence hang in the air; while you struggled on the inside to come up with something good enough. It wasn't just that you were shy or quiet, you were always so unsure of what was best to say to the man, fearing you'd mess it up or make a fool of yourself.

“He's got plenty of these, must have felt really inspired hm?” Bucky spoke in a soft voice, looking over at the drawings Steve had done of you. You got distracted for a moment, taking the warmth in his eyes and the smile that look bittersweet if not sad on his face.

“Uh yeah.” you cleared your throat “It was around the time I was trying to get him back to drawing after I found his art. I was a bit shy about it at first but I suppose they're good.”

“His art always was, he's got a way of bringing things to life, capturing things in a different way but this-” he pause, looking up to meet your eyes, locking them in a look that only made your knees weak if the small distance hadn't already “It would never even compare to the real thing. That is one of a kind. You've always been anyway, I don't think there is a single person that knows you and could deny that.”

“I- I'm not that special.” you could feel the heat rise up on your cheeks and forced yourself to look down.

“I didn't just say special. I said one of a kind, unique. As is... everything about you. But then again, Steve has always been lucky without even knowing it.”

Glancing at him you did notice the honesty in his eyes, the warmth that almost reached out to you like that of the sun. If it weren't for his words that had your heart hammering in your chest, you would have paid more attention to the way his smile didn't really reach his eyes or the longing with which he looked at you.

“I suppose.” you mumbled, though you couldn't understand the meaning behind his last sentence. Letting the silence fill the room again you desperately searched for something else to say. You didn't speak much with Bucky but you wanted – despite your fear – to be the one to keep the conversation going because the truth was you loved talking with him “You look good, you got a haircut.”

Well, when you weren't making a fool of yourself that is.

Bucky paused for a moment, looking at you and you really braced yourself for him to laugh at you and call you out on what a stupid thing that was to say. But instead all you got a smile that you would be damned if it wasn't shy. It was almost too sweet for your heart to take, and the way he ducked his head as if some bashful... schoolboy (you almost laughed at the word that came up in your mind) had your breath getting caught up in your throat once more. You had never seen this side of Bucky. Never.

“Yeah I uh-” he smiled, fully smiled, and your own heart jumped to your throat “I thought that maybe it was time for a change. I didn't know if I could pull it off again after all these years but I-”

“No” you whispered “No, you're- you look great, really, Buck.” you confessed softly and his smile only got bigger “Not that you didn't before, don't get me wrong. You just look like you did back in the days. I- I saw a couple photos of you and Steve, and it's- it's good. Real good.” you gave him a small nod, which he return.

The smile stayed on his lips as he admitted “Yeah, truth is Steve was the one that insisted on it for some reason.” some reason, yeah, more like you saying how good Bucky looked with short hair better yet.

“Well, I'm glad you took that choice. It does look great. And... not that I think you had any trouble before, but now you'll have all the ladies swooning over you, you will barely have time for us.”

“That would never happen, never. I would never put anyone else before you.” he spoke with so much sincerity that you had to look away for a second because of the intensity “Besides-” he cleared his throat “Looking forward to go on double dates or something? I figured you and Steve wouldn't have time for us.”

“Steve, probably, he's got a lot on his plate now. But what do I have to do with any of it?”

“I just-” he shrugged softly, frowning “I figured that moving in a new place is... a lot.”

“It is... hence Steve having a lot on his plate. I still don't get what I have to do with that? I mean, sure, I'm his best pal besides you and Sam, but it's not like I'm moving in with him or anything.” you shrugged with an smile, focusing for a few moments on the drawings before you.

“Oh I thought-” he paused, nodding his head before he let out a soft breath “Well, I suppose I was just assuming. It's not like... this changes anything, right?” his words were so hesitant that it confused for a second.

“...No? Why would it? Steve is still Steve. Things are and will continue to be the way they've always been.”

“I mean-” he cleared his throat again, shifting in his place “You two are good right? Like, together and all that, you're good?”

“Just like we've always been, Buck, I don't understand why you're asking this. Honestly... Is there something not right with you, maybe?” you asked softly, trying to meet his eyes even though he avoided it.

“No, why would there be?” he swallowed thickly, nodding to himself “And besides, I should've thought so.” he offered you a smile, albeit weak “He wouldn't have given up a chance with... A chance to the life he would've had for something that's not important. As far as that is concerned, I don't blame him. I would do the same.”

“You... you mean Peggy, don't you?”

“I-” he shrugged softly “I didn't really wanna mention her in case... Well, he did leave her for you. He stayed here, didn't go back to live his life with her. Which, again, is the right choice. To tell you the truth, I feared for a moment that we wouldn't see him come back from that time travel unless he was graying and old.” feared, and that terrible part of himself that was too selfish, hoped he would stay back in time to have his life with Peggy so that Bucky could maybe get a chance with you in case-

“But he did come back.” you whispered “And he did it for all of us, there's no reason to give me all the credit, Bucky.”

“I mean, you're still the main reason. And as I said, he did make the right choice. Hell, I know that if he had even so considered staying back there, I would have kicked his ass for it. But I guess I'm more than glad you two are so good like this, that I didn't need to.” liar, he knew he was such a big liar for saying all of it.

“Main reason, yeah sure.” you breathed out a laugh, feeling proud with yourself for how casual you sounded “Just say what's on your mind, Buck. Steve's so tired of my single sorry ass that he had to stay here to make sure I don't end up being a crazy cat lady. I mean can I blame him? No. I can't even tell the guy I... the guy I like how I feel about him.” you shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

You were saying things you never thought you would, but feeling bold maybe you would slowly get somewhere in the end “I'm sure Steve's just gonna snap one of these days and tell him 'She likes you you idiot, for fuck's sake do something cause I'm sick and tired listening to her talk about you non-stop.' and I'm not even joking. That will be it, word for word. So-” you let out a low laugh “I better hold him back huh?”

“What?” you did expect to see such a dark and serious look to meet you when you finally looked at him “What did you just say (Y/n)?”

“That... you know, with me being single all this time, Steve might try to set me up with- I'm sorry.” you shook your head “Did I say something wrong? Was it something that I-”

“You're... what?” his voice was so gruff that you felt even more worried.

But before you could voice your concerns, your best friend was walking inside the room again “Sorry for the delay, though I suppose you guys barely noticed my-” but he stopped himself when he was met with the hardest glare you had seen Bucky give his friend “Uh is everything alright?”

“We'll see about that.” his voice was deep “Come on. You. Me. Talk. You have lots explaining to do.” he took a deep breath, looking at you for a few too long seconds too many emotions on his face for you to tell apart, before looking back at his friend “And it's been long overdue.”