#i'm still stressed honestly i've been worried and struggling with this for weeks :(

[seungkwan-s]

i thought i would update you guys on my granny's condition. so, we found out, she was misdiagnosed. she's prone to fluid in her lungs and the nurses admitted they should have read her notes properly because they saw that and assumed it was cancer. which is honestly horrific and my step dad is angry that we all went through a lot of unnecessary stress and hurt :(

i'm honestly relieved that it's not cancer but still angry that this went on for weeks :(

she will hopefully be out of hospital in the next few weeks <3

[kookslastbutton]

what love feels like ༓ myg (m)

✑ Summary: Being a mother to a beautiful baby girl and wife to an adoring husband is the most rewarding feeling in the world. But you also work a full-time job, are overtired most of the time, stressed, don't have any alone time, look very different than eight years ago, and sex? Well, that hasn’t happened in weeks. The gravity of the situation weighs on you until one day, all of your deepest insecurities rear their ugly head–that your husband might not love you as much anymore and someone could take him away from you.

Pairing: husband!yoongi x reader

AU/genre: angst, fluff, smut, marriage au

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 6.7k+

Warnings: swearing, both Yoongi and oc are in their 30s, mom and full-time worker!oc, reserved!dad!yoongi, lack of intimacy, mentions of body insecurities post-pregnancy, mentions of fear of abandonment, mentions of jealousy. irrational worries, built-up stress, light fighting, silent treatment, stubbornness, lots of reassurance, nightmares, cute backstory of how they met, a lot of ily, Yoongi and oc being good parents 🥹, Yoongi calls oc doll, and explicit sexual content

sexual warnings: swearing, kissing, neck kisses, pleading, banter, dirty talk, doll petname, asking for consent, b**b squeezing & sucking, hair threading, penetration, f*ngering, big d*ck!yoongi, growling, missi*nary, eye contact, tearing up, c*ming together

Now Playing: Breathing by Anne Marie

a/n: Okay this was for Yoon's bday. Based on the poll, husband!Yoon won. Was intended to be a Drabble but well...heh 😅 Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this fic and Yoon is just such a good hubby for responding well to these very relatable insecurities. (Low-key love this couple...) I'm sorry for any typos or warnings i missed! I checked and double checked but a few might have slipped. Enjoy! Anyway please enjoy! 🥰

“So, you're Jia's father, huh? I don’t think I've seen you here before, and I’m sure I would have recognized you.”

With his back straight and arms folded, Yoongi gives the woman in front of him a quick once-over. Mid-40s, freshly single, and definitely in need of some companionship. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out; she’s been talking his ear off for the past twenty minutes like he’s some kind of remedy to all her problems.

Honestly, he just swung by to pick up his four-year-old from daycare after another grueling day at work. But the moment he walked in, it was as if all the single moms latched onto him like a flock of hungry geese. This one’s name is Sandra in particular.

It reminds him of his college basketball days, how the cheerleaders all too eagerly swarmed around him after sinking the winning shot at the championship game. Shame he was too busy eyeing the girl in the stands to care, her face buried behind a book twice as big as her head. Who reads an 800-page novel during the playoffs anyway?

Fate, as one may call it, intervened about a week later when his best friend became said girl’s lab partner. Yoongi didn’t make any sudden moves at first, but well, he did make her his wife three years later.

“It’s just so nice to finally meet the father of such a sweet child. Especially considering how many dads tend to take a backseat in their child's early years.” Is she still going on? Yoongi does his best to stay present, though it’s proving unsuccessful. “And Jia truly is an angel! It’s clear you’re doing a wonderful job raising her, even with a full-time job and all.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows knit together at the somewhat odd choice of words. “Thanks,” he drawls out, noticing her pupils dilating with every breath. “Most of the credit goes to my wife though. She’s a great mom to Jia.”

“Jia’s m-mom?” Sandra stutters, her mouth slightly agape. Yoongi senses the gears turning in her head as she struggles to process the unexpected presence of his wife. Tempting as it is, he holds down a smirk. Of course, he’s a happily married man–for nearly eight years now.

“Yeah,” he replies simply. “She’s usually the one to pick up our daughter from daycare, but she’s been working a lot of overtime lately. I thought I'd come instead so she can get some rest."

“Oh, well that’s very–“

“Daddy! Daddy, you’re here!” The sound of a familiar high-pitched voice, along with a light pattering of feet, diverts both adult’s attention.

“Hey kid.” Yoongi effortlessly lifts the small child once in front of him, securing her in his arms. “Have fun today?”

Jia gives an enthusiastic nod, bright red ribbons in her hair bouncing cutely as she does. Proudly, she shows him the drawing she made.

“See? It’s me, you, and mommy!” She makes sure to point to each part of the picture with her pointer finger.

Yoongi gently takes the artwork from his daughter’s hand and lets out a soft chuckle. “Now this is what I call a masterpiece! Mommy’s gonna love hanging this one on the fridge. How about I hold onto this and you go grab your backpack, okay?”

As soon as Jia’s feet touch the carpeted floor again, she races off to her cubby in the far corner of the room. Yoongi shoots Sandra a final glance before slowly following behind. “We got to get going, but nice meeting you.”

“You…too.” Sandra’s response is more than disappointed as she watches the father-daughter duo make their way out of the building. Evidently, Min Yoongi isn’t the single dad she originally assumed. Funny, she swore there wasn’t a wedding band in sight. Maybe she missed it.

“No, I’m sorry but I’m certain we haven’t used any of your services in the last six months. My husband canceled it in late October.”

With one hand, you grip your cell phone up to an ear while the other pops open the dishwasher. You’ve been on the phone with the cable company for half an hour, trying to make sense of an unexpected charge that appeared on your bank account this morning. You consider yourself more patient than most, yet after working all day, a pile of laundry waiting to be washed, and dinner threatening to burn on the stove, the last thing you have time for is arguing with your old service provider.

“I understand, ma’am, and I apologize for any confusion. I’m taking a look at my records and they’re all showing me that—oh wait a second.”

The young man on the opposite end of the line interrupts his own thought, piquing your concern in the process.

“What did you say your last name is?”

You answer and in an instant, you’re met with a thousand rushed apologies; something about getting the account names mixed up in their system. It’s difficult to decipher everything you hear with the front door being thrust open that very moment.

“Mommy, where are you? We’re home!” Your daughter not so subtly announces her presence from the foyer. She kicks off her shoes, hangs her backpack on the designated wall hook, and then rushes to the kitchen upon catching a brief glimpse of your shirt.

“It’s alright, these mistakes happen.” You hang up the call and turn around to find Jia only steps away, a big goofy grin on her face. Infectious, you break out into a smile yourself and swoop her up.

“Hey honey, I missed you so much!” You kiss the side of your daughter’s head as she wraps her small arms around your neck. “You look so pretty with all these ribbons in your hair! Daddy did a good job, didn’t he?”

Being that you were called into work earlier than usual this morning, Yoongi was the one who got Jia dressed and ready for daycare. You’re delightfully surprised by the results.

“Mmhm,” Jia nods, twirling a couple of strands of hair between her thumb and forefinger. “But Daddy pulls too much!”

“Maybe if someone had listened and stopped fussing when I told her, I wouldn’t have accidentally yanked on her hair when I was reaching for her favorite Hello Kitty scrunchie.” Yoongi joins you both in the kitchen, walking over to press a quick peck on your lips while tenderly caressing the small of your back. The gesture soothes you of your earlier frustrations. “Who was that on the phone? Cable company?”

“Yeah, they canceled the charge. Wrong account.” As you reiterate the entire mix-up, your eyes wander all over your husband. He’s especially handsome tonight, given his perfectly tousled black hair and navy blue blazer flowing over his body. It’s tastefully oversized with a clean, white top paired underneath. You, on the other hand, are sporting a raggedy old t-shirt and stained sweatpants.

There was a time when you used to put a shit ton more effort into your appearance. It was before you got pregnant with Jia, back when you and Yoongi were going out on weekly dates. Neither of you has that kind of time anymore, or energy for that matter. You didn’t believe the other moms when they told you the romance takes a nose dive after you have your first kid. Yet here you are, proven wrong again.

Being parents to a beautiful baby girl is likely the most rewarding feeling in the world for you and Yoongi. You don’t remember the last time the two of you got real quality alone time though. And sex? Well, that hasn’t happened in weeks. The gravity of the situation weighs more on you with each passing day to be honest. Sure, you’re not the same person you used to be eight years ago, but shouldn’t you and Yoongi still make time for at least a little intimacy?

“How was picking up Jia by the way?” You look at Yoongi who merely shrugs nonchalantly in response.

“It was fine. Nothing too out of the ordinary,” Yoong gives you another peck before heading up the stairs to your bedroom. “I’m gonna go get changed. Why don’t you show Mommy the drawing you did Jia?”

“A drawing?” You shift your attention to your daughter whose eyes sparkle like diamonds upon mention. “We should put it up on the fridge then. Let’s take a look hmm?”

“It’s in my backpack! My new friend and I were drawing together. Her name is Mi-Sun.” Jia continues telling you all about her friend Mi-Sun as you make your way to the front door where her backpack hangs. You’re fully engaged until the very end. “Daddy made a new friend too!” she joyously claps her hands together, not realizing the depth of her remark.

“Oh, who’s Daddy’s new friend honey?” You ask, staying as calm as possible.

“Ms. Cho! They were talking for a really long time today.”

Ms. Cho? You think back to all the moms you’ve met at daycare. Somehow you can’t recall ever hearing or meeting a Ms. Cho. She must be a single mom, you deduce. Was she new? What did she look like? And why didn’t Yoongi mention her when you asked?

This has to be nothing but a little small talk, an acquaintance at most. Besides, the moms at Jia’s daycare are quite a chatty bunch and Yoongi wouldn’t dare overstep any boundaries.

“Do you know what they were talking about?” You don’t enjoy asking your child for details about your husband, yet you can’t seem to help it this time.

“I dunno,” she shrugs her shoulders. "Daddy was laughing a lot."

Suddenly, the self-assurance you gave yourself earlier slips away; seemingly useless given the queasy feeling building in the pit of your stomach.

For the remainder of the night, you purposely dodge every attempt your husband makes to kiss, touch, and hold you. You’ve even begun responding to his questions in one-word answers and at times, with nothing at all.

Yes, you’re being petty; more than usual. The silent treatment frustrates Yoongi to no end and it isn’t very mature of you, but neither is refusing to tell your wife that some single mom was flirting with you in front of your kid! Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration. Maybe it all sums up to a harmless conversation, but it’s not like you know either way with Yoongi being as reserved as he is. It brings you back to your early dating days when he wouldn’t think to tell you about various aspects of his day; who he ate breakfast with that morning or the one classmate of his that wouldn’t leave him alone for two semesters.

Truth be told, you're simply hoping that your husband will bring up the topic first, without having to be the classic nagging wife. You’re a jealous person by nature so it’s not a simple task. Even now as you fold the first batch of laundry on your shared bed, him on the other side doing the same, you struggle to keep from blurting everything out.

“So,” Yoongi fluffs up a clean pillowcase before sliding it onto one of the bed pillows. “How was work?”

What a basic question, you grumble internally. Is that all he’s got? “Was okay,” you reply. “The usual.”

“You must be tired from the day. Did you get to lie down at all?” Yoongi picks up another pillowcase, repeating the process as before. When he glances your way, it’s clear something’s on your mind. You’ve started pairing Jia’s socks far more aggressively than normal and you’re holding back your responses. “Did you hear me, doll? Or am I going deaf here?” The sarcastic chuckle distracts you from your task, forcing your attention.

You’re about to respond when your eyes briefly flicker down to his hands, his left one in particular. Where's his wedding ring? Yoongi always wears it no matter what. The same sick feeling from before returns tenfold. No wonder that Ms. Cho was all over him–she must have thought he was single.

“No, I didn’t get to lie down Yoongi. I worked all day, came home and made dinner, called the cable guy to get that stupid bill figured out, and now I’m doing the second load of laundry. I’m really just not in the mood to chat.” It comes out a blur as you snatch the empty laundry basket and head for your washer and dryer, your eyes welling up with tears.

“__, wait.” Yoongi tosses the last pillow near the headboard and stops you in your tracks, his hand firmly gripping one end of the laundry basket. The intensity of his stare softens as he speaks. “I'm sorry if it seems like I'm forcing you to talk. I know you've been losing a lot of sleep recently between work, Jia, and upkeeping the house. We just don't get a lot of time to see each other anymore and I miss you…I miss talking to you."

With every ounce of self-control remaining, you hold back any tears that risk spilling out. You don't know why you're acting like this, why you're crying over something that seems so small and insignificant to the rest of the world. Yoongi loves you. He's said it a million times and proven it to you over and over again, for eight years now. He wouldn’t cheat on you, yet you still get so worked up about the idea that someone could take him away from you. Someone half your age, more attractive, or hell even the opposite sex if it means fewer dark circles under their eyes.

"Why- why aren't you wearing your ring?" Your naturally confident voice dwindles to the whisper of a mouse. It's completely out of character, nevertheless, here you are.

"I..." Your husband's voice wavers. His gaze flickers to his left hand, where his ring should be, but isn't. "Shit...I took it off in the shower this morning," he confesses, frustrated by his forgetfulness. "I was in such a rush to get Jia to daycare, and me to work, that it completely slipped my mind. I'm sorry—I fully intended to put it back on." He pauses, then perks up. "It's still in the bathroom. I'll be right back, okay?"

You watch as he makes a beeline for the master bathroom, eager to rectify the situation as soon as possible. You should have kept silent what you say next, but you don't.

"No wonder the moms at Jia's daycare were so drawn to you."

"What?" Yoongi stops in his tracks. The dumbfounded expression on his face tells you that you've caught him off guard again.

"Jia told me about someone named Ms. Cho," you reluctantly continue. "The two of you were laughing and talking and–"

"Baby, don't worry about that." Seizing his chance, your husband walks back over to you and sneakily pulls the laundry basket from under your arm. He sets it on the ground after, then reaches to take your hand in his, but stubbornly you cross your arms.

"Her name's Sandra," he starts explaining. "She's a new mom at the daycare and she didn't know anyone, so she started talking to me. I got the sense she was a little overly friendly but it was all small talk, nothing more."

Still largely unsatisfied, you remain unmoved. "If it wasn't a big deal then why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because nothing serious happened. The majority of the conversation was her venting about her ex-husband and me wishing you were right there next to me. Please believe me. All I could think about was finally being able to come home to you after a long week with Jia in our arms."

"Really?" Well, now you're feeling guilty for avoiding him in nearly every way tonight. Guilty for believing such wild assumptions that he'd leave you for someone else over one measly conversation. Guilty for letting yourself get so worked up over a situation you, quite frankly, knew few details about.

"I mean it doll." This time, when he reaches out to grasp your wrist, he succeeds. He intertwines his fingers with yours and leads you to the edge of your bed, gently pulling you down to sit on his lap. "Do you really think I could look at anyone else the way I look at you? Or think about you the way I have for the last eight-plus years we've been married and known each other?"

You hesitate your answer, averting his eye contact. "I know but…"

"No, don't finish that. Look at me," he intercepts. "You and our daughter are the only women on my mind–24/7. I can't get either of you out of my head and I don't want to. I'm so sorry I forgot to put my wedding band back on this morning, and again tonight. I feel awful about it and I'll be more careful from now on. And another thing, when Sandra and I were talking I mentioned you multiple times. So, it's clear to her that I'm a happily married man."

The last bit of information manages to perk your ears. "You talked about me?" Your eyes widen as you finally shift your full attention to him. Yoongi eyes widen with you, amused by your sudden change of heart to look at him.

"I said my wife is an amazing mother, works too hard for her own good, and needed to rest today. Give or take a few words."

That's all? You huff to yourself. Would it been nice if your husband also thrown in that you were beautiful or stunning in that mix of compliments? Yes, yes it would have–again, you're pettiness clouds your better judgment. You're not as pissed off as before, but rather semi-irritated.

"Okay…well I guess it's fine then. I'm sorry for being short with you earlier. I shouldn't have made those rash conclusions about the ring and that woman from the daycare. It wasn't reasonable of me." You get up from his lap, yet Yoongi isn't entirely convinced that you're okay.

"There's still something you're not telling me. I can tell."

"No, there's nothing else." You waive him off, placing your hand on your bedroom doorknob "You told her you had a wife so it's fine. I need to switch the second load of laundry.”

"Come on, doll. Let's not leave things unsaid now."

Sighing at his plead, you find yourself giving into all your repressed thoughts and emotions. It swallows you up, like a tidal wave you can't stop. "Look at me Yoon. I'm sweaty, I have dark circles under my eyes, stretch marks, love handles, my hair's a mess, and all I wear are old sweats covered in stains. I'm nothing like I used to be! No wonder we aren't intimate anymore."

Yoongi rises from the bed at once, offended by the sudden digression. "Is that what this is all about? It’s not even about that single mom from daycare is it?" The truth of the matter sinks in as he speaks.

"I guess maybe so…though I'm still annoyed about that too." Great, you're back to square one again.

"Come with me, I need to show you something." Your husband gestures you to follow him, which you slowly concede to.

"What are you doing Yoon?" You both walk into the master bathroom, stopping in front of the large mirror above the sink.

"I'm showing you the woman I'm in love with and have been in love with for nearly eight years now. Sweats and all." Yoongi makes you face the mirror directly, hands around your shoulders. You have trouble stomaching the sight.

"Yoongi please, I can't. The laundry ringing off." You avoid looking into the mirror and make a move to leave the bathroom.

"Just stay with me a minute, please?" Your husband refuses to loosen his hold on you, turning your body so you're looking eye to eye. "No, you're not the same person as you were and neither am I. We're parents to a beautiful daughter now, who we love and adore. We're also overtired 90% of the time, juggling a million things at once. But there's one thing you can count on to always stay the same–my loyalty to you. I'll always be in love with you __, no matter what age you are or however way you look. There's nothing you can do to change that, so why fight it?"

Dammit. A single tear rolls down your cheek as you take in his heart-melting speech. It's not his words alone, it's the sincerity behind them. How he's repeated similar countless times before throughout your entire relationship.

"I love you, Yoon..." you choke out the words, composure fleeting.

"I love you so much, doll." He wipes the wetness of your tear with his thumb. "As far as us not being as intimate anymore, that's my fault. I don't ever want you to feel like I don't desire you every day. Why don't we send the kid to my parents this weekend and let me start making things right hmm?"

"I don't know if we can this weekend. Jia has a playdate on Saturday."

"So, I'll ask Mom to take her. She'll be happy to, trust me. We can finally watch that movie you've been dying to show me since what? December?"

"You're serious?" Your eyes light up at the mention of what is essentially a movie date. The show Yoongi's referring to is one you've been craving to see for months, yet neither of you has found the time to watch. "I've been talking about it for so long, Yoon."

"I know you have, it's why I suggested it. I've been wanting to watch it too with all the trailers you keep sending me. Plus, I'll be able to keep my beautiful wife in my arms for over two hours. That's a lot for us, especially with you being such a busy bee. I can never get you to light in one place! What's up with that, huh?"

Feeling your natural self re-emerging, you throw a playful swat to his arm and scowl at his teasing comment. "You're one to talk! You're basically a workaholic! Besides, you knew who you were marrying when you met me."

Yoongi chuckles and brings both hands to cup your cheeks, squishing them slightly. "A cutie who reads 800-page novels at a basketball game?"

"Stop babying me!" You pull his hands off your cheeks and rub them, trying to regain some composure. "I don't regret my choices, I like books. It's why I'm such a boss at work!"

"Okay, boss," he laughs. "What about what I suggested before then? I can call Mom tomorrow and ask her if she could watch Jia for the day. She'll take her to her playdate, then they can spend the rest of the day together."

It does sound nice, having the whole day with your husband.

"Okay," you agree. "Let's try."

"Good." Yoongi slides his hands down to your hips and pulls you flush against his chest. "How about we seal it with a kiss now?" You nod and he leans his head down, pressing an amazing, tender kiss to your lips. It makes you both giddy on queue.

"Read one more story, Daddy!" Jia leaps off her small, twin bed and bounds for her bookshelf. She lets out a series of giggles when a large pair of hands catch her, lifting her high into the air.

"I already read you three books kid," Yoongi says, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Bedtime." He then tucks her into her fluffy comforter, plugs in her teddy bear nightlight, and closes her bedroom door.

The next second, Jia comes running out of her room, latching onto his right leg. "I don't wanna go to bed. I wanna play!" Figures she'd be hyper at this hour.

Yoongi sighs and picks her up. "Daddy told you to go to sleep, it's not playtime. You'll have lots of time for that tomorrow when you get to see your friend." He then carries her into her room, yet she fusses in his arms; thumping her tiny fists into his chest.

"No, no, no, Daddy. I want to play!"

Sighing, Yoongi looks at his child with sharp eyes. "Jia–"

"Hey," you interrupt, entering your daughter's bedroom upon hearing the commotion down the hall. "What's going on?"

"Kid doesn't want to go to bed."

You give an empathetic look and saunter over to the pair, gently taking Jia into your arms. Yoongi places his hands on his hips as he watches you reason with your daughter.

"Jia, you know tomorrow's a big day right? You and Sana are going to go to the playground together." The child nods. "You don't want to be tired when you're playing do you?"

"No..." She shakes her head. "I want to be awake!"

"Then you need to listen to Daddy and go to sleep. That way you'll be full of energy tomorrow when you and Sana go on the swings or slide down all the big slides." You smile as Jia starts rubbing her drowsy eyes, yawning in the process.

"But I...okay," she slowly concedes, eyes fluttering shut as she gives into her sleepy state. Unsurprising to you and Yoongi, she was tired all along. But like most kids, hated going to bed.

"See?" You lay Jia in her bed and pull the covers up near her chin, giving her a light kiss on the side of her head. Yoongi bends down and does the same after you. "You just gotta talk to her a little, she'll typically fall asleep on her own."

"But I read her three of her favorite books." Yoongi shuts off the overhead light, along with the door to Jia's room, and follows you to your bedroom.

"That's different Yoon," you argue back. "Books excite her."

"She takes after you that way then." Yoongi pulls his t-shirt off, leaving him bare-chested, and climbs onto his side of the bed. You join him shortly after with your head resting on his chest and an arm thrown around his waist.

"I'm so exhausted," you yawn.

"Go to sleep, baby. I'm right here." Your husband places a hand over your wrapped arm, sending you off into a deep slumber.

Well this is just ironic. Almost 2 A.M. and you're wide awake.

What initially started as a nice, relaxing dream quickly turned into a terrible nightmare. In the dream, you woke up alone. Yoongi was gone. Jia was gone too. You can't exactly make sense of it, except for a vague memory of Jia calling another woman 'Mom'. You couldn't see her face very well, so it could've been anyone. You couldn't speak either, so even when you tried approaching the three, they couldn't hear you. You've had nightmares plenty of times, but this one is new. It's a clear projection of all the underlying concerns upheaved from earlier; insecurities, abandonment, loss, and it has you unsettled.

You glance over to your husband's side of the bed. He's fast asleep, no longer cuddling you due to you both flip-flopping in your sleep. You decide to slide closer to him, needing to watch him for a while. It might sound weird, but you love watching him sleep. He's so handsome and you feel a great deal of comfort doing so. Maybe if he was awake, you'd tell him about what you dreamt. Then again...maybe not.

"I love you Yoon," you whisper as quietly as you can, tracing his every facial feature with your eyes.

"'m, I love you too."

Is he-was he awake? As if caught red-handed, you quickly flit your face away in favor of the blank ceiling above. You weren't expecting him to answer at all, and in such a hoarse voice too. You're a little turned on by it to be honest.

"Can't sleep?" he speaks up again, eyes still closed.

"No, I''ll be okay though. You can go back to sleep. Don't worry."

He grunts, a tad unhappy with your dismissal of him. "Do you want to talk about it? Your dream?"

You whip your head in his direction. "How–" You pause, seeing his eyes blink open.

"I didn't meet you just yesterday, doll. I know they keep you up. Just know, I'm always here okay? Always." He reaches for you with delicate fingers as he continues. "Now, come here. Seems we got separated in our sleep."

You accept the offer and cuddle into him again. This time your noses nearly touch and his arm wraps around your lower waist. You feel the growing urge to kiss him, wanting to forget your nightmare entirely. But perhaps silly, you ask permission first, seeing as he's close to drifting off again.

"Yoon?"

"Mm."

"Can we kiss?" Your cheeks flush a little at the request. Why are you acting like this? You've been married for years.

"Sure, 'm tired but I could go for a make-out right now." A small smirk graces his lips as he teases you. You give him a classic 'Yoongi!' in reply. "I'm kidding. You don't ever have to ask me that," he finishes.

"Hmm, maybe I don't want a kiss anymore." You feign stubbornness, just to see his response. And a response he gives you, more than you're prepared for.

"You're ridiculous," he grumbles, capturing your lips in one fell swoop. He moves his lips against yours as the hand on your waist grips tighter. The tiniest of moans escapes your lips.

You attempt to break the kiss first, thinking it will only last for a few seconds. Yet Yoongi slips a hand behind your neck to bring you into another kiss. One that's deeper than the last. You feel your breath being taken away little by little, especially when his tongue licks into your mouth. God, you haven't kissed like this in an eternity. A wetness soon gathers between your thighs.

"'m, Yoon," you gasp when his cool fingers sneakily make their way under your shirt, tickling your bare skin. They travel the expanse of your waist, stomach, and up along your back. "So cold."

Yoongi pulls away from the kiss and retracts his fingers. He then lazily moves his body until his chest hovers over your own, rolling you on your back in the process. He's a bit of a blur due to the dimness of the room, yet you can see the whites of his eyes a bit better than before.

"Help me warm them then," he says, folding his hands on top of yours from where they rest on your stomach. "You're really burning up, doll."

His observation is right. Ever since you woke up, you're body's been hotter than normal. The stress is clear and it's only increasing due to the unexpected turn of tonight's events; your husband seemingly wanting to make love to you in the middle of the night.

"So I am," you reply, staring straight into his eyes. "Must be because of all the sudden surprises today. My body's finally responding to it all."

Yoongi nods, following your implication. "Well let's do something to calm it down, shall we?" He waits for your final go before making any abrupt movements.

"But...you haven't seen me–"

"Naked in a while?" he predicts your next words, unfazed. "I've seen it all, each time better than the last because I love you. You're beautiful to me, no matter what. Let me love you __. I've missed you. I've missed us."

"Okay...please," you sigh, desperately needing his touch. "It's been so long since we've been this close."

Neither of you has it in you to delay another second as you dive into another fiery kiss, your hands wandering up and down each other's bodies. You love his hair the most, so you run your fingers through it repeatedly. Your husband's soft grunts remind you that it's as pleasurable for him as it is for you, and as if to counter, he latches his lips to the curve of your neck.

"Yoon," you moan, shivering at the feeling of being peppered in open-mouth kisses. Your eyes automatically roll up as well.

Yoongi nips at your jaw next, featherlike, yet deadly to you nevertheless. He doesn't allow himself to linger more than a second, though, preferring to keep you on your toes. So with careful fingers, he begins lifting the bottom of your shirt.

"Can I?"

You hum in approval and lean forward for him to remove it.

With your nipples now exposed to the brisk air, stiffening due to arousal, Yoongi brings both his hands up to caress your boobs. He's incredibly gentle, telling you how beautiful you are once again until his thumbs start circling your peaked nipples. A rush of sensation shoots up your spine as he rolls them harder, flicking them once in a while.

"Fuck," you swear.

"Feeling good?"

All you do is nod fervently in response, which Yoongi takes as his signal to lower his head to your chest. He squeezes both breasts in his hand before wrapping his mouth around a nipple, licking and sucking relentlessly. He repeats the same to the other.

"Yoongi, I need you. Please." You're core tightens, thighs struggling not to rub together, as you plead with your husband to relieve you. You are so wet and getting wetter.

"I'm here, doll, I got you. Fingers first hm?"

He pushes part of the comforter towards the foot of the bed, then gestures for you to raise your butt. Any shred of mystery of how worked up he's gotten you slip away as he pulls your underwear and pants down your legs. They both get tossed on the floor, per usual.

Bare pussy exposed, Yoongi guides your legs further apart and brings a hand down to your entrance. One of his long, slender fingers traces up your folds so smoothly that you buck your hips upon the touch. He smiles lightly at the subtle response, pleased that you're finally enjoying yourself; too often you put your needs last. His finger slowly sinks into your well-lubricated pussy, velvety walls clenching around it.

"Oh, g-god," you give a shaky moan as his finger pumps and curls in you, stimulating your g-spot. "Need you now, Yoon, so bad."

"Mm not yet, we need to stretch you out. You haven't taken me for a good three or four weeks," he smirks at your eagerness, sliding a second finger next to the first. "This pussy is drenched but not enough. I need you to come. Can you do that for me?"

Fast, quick movements follow suit as your husband works you up to an orgasm. Oh fuck, oh fuck, you chant in near whines. Your pussy is spasming around him, walls tightening with each push and pull. You know when he draws his hand out that it's covered with your come. Messy, sex is messy and both of you are too far gone to care; the pleasure sweeping over you.

Finally, in what feels like an endless tease, you have your first orgasm of the night. You feel your body relaxing into the mattress again, yet your breath remains short. Yoongi, on the other hand, groans seeing your release dripping down your thighs and onto the sheets. For a split second, there's a slight darkening in his eyes while he takes in your post-orgasmic form. The two fingers that had been inside you are sensually brought to his lips, slipping between the seam before being cleaned off.

You're taken aback by the action, though you've witnessed it before. Something about watching your husband willingly follow through with a gesture so lewd makes your head spin–you want him to fuck you right this instant. He must share the same feeling because you don't even need to sound the words due to his hands already making quick work of his pants.

"You drive me mad, you know that? Can never get a break with how sweet you taste. Your lips, your come. All of it makes me go mad." His full length comes in view, hard and tip leaking with pre-cum. You try not to let yourself stare at the thickness but hell, you must've forgotten the extent of your husband's size. You don't remember it being this big before.

"Well," you gulp. "You're not making it easy on me either, looking like this."

Yoongi climbs over to you again, settling into a straddled position, and looks deep into your eyes. "Who's fault do you think that is?"

"It's your fault." You bend your legs and wrap them around his mid-section. You can feel the tip of his cock tease at your entrance. The anticipation is beyond grueling.

"No," he says, aligning himself up to your weeping hole. "it's yours." He then thrusts his hips forward, his length sinking into you so perfectly it has you completely satisfied.

"Y-Yours," you whimper out, unable to form a steady sentence.

"Fine." He picks up his pace. "Let's just agree we both fuck each other up on a daily---ah fuck!" Yoongi growls and gives you a suspicious look when he feels your pussy suddenly clench around his length.

"I didn't do it on purpose this time! You're fucking me too good is all."

"Really? You're not just teasing me?"

Yoongi is slow to believe since you've purposefully clenched countless times before, simply out of playfulness. Tonight is different than those nights though because you're telling the truth–he's truly fucking you so good.

"What the hell," he concedes. "You feel so fucking fantastic, I don't even care." He continues his movements, thrusting into you with deep groans and labored breaths. His fingers grip the mattress harder with the veins in his neck bulging out.

Both your bodies move in sync as the familiar sound of skin slapping on skin echoes off the walls of your bedroom. You do your best to keep your moans low, not wanting to risk waking up your daughter.

"Yoon, fuck! I need to come, it's gonna-fuck-happen soon," you swear, pussy throbbing at the feeling of being so full after weeks of abstinence. You can tell you're reaching your high with the bundle of nerves in your core threatening to snap at any given moment.

Of course, you're wet too, extremely wet.

"I'm. Nearly. There." He barely sounds the words out, jaw clenching. "Just another minute, and we can finish together."

Your eyes, which haven't left his since he entered you, begin to glass over with tears. It's overwhelming; his love for you. No matter the doubts that tell you the opposite, you can't give in to their ugly lies. You'll continue to struggle, naturally, but you won't ever let them win. Yoongi's never once given up on you, and neither should you.

"I love you, Yoon...I love you with all my soul," you choke the words, falling apart all at once. "I'm sorry for today. How jealous and irrational I got."

"Don't apologize, doll. I shouldn't have let it go so far, our lack of intimacy and alone time. I promise we're going to make it all right okay?"

Giving you one last thrust, you both have your release at the same time. Yoongi helps ride your orgasm out by lazily continuing to grind into you. Yeah, you might need to shower and switch out the sheets after tonight, but you don't regret it one bit.

"In all seriousness baby," Yoongi speaks up, guiding your legs back on the soft mattress until you’re comfortable. "Don't feel like you have to apologize for everything. I understand your feelings and where you were coming from. I will say, the silent treatment kills me though. I'd rather you yell at me than not talk to me at all."

"It's not easy for me to raise my voice like that, Yoon." You throw your arms around his neck and sigh softly. "But I can try talking to you more, or at least tell you I need some time to process before I'm ready to have a conversation. I don't know, am I making sense?"

"Plenty of sense. I'll share more about my day with you and who I'm talking to as well. We'll also carve out time to have together. I love our daughter, but I don't see the harm in reaching out to our friends and family to babysit once in a while."

"Well, this sounds good to me," you hum.

"Me too." Yoongi smiles wide and goes in for another warm kiss. Your eyes flutter shut in unison.

This is what love feels like.

a/n: LMK what you think 🥰

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no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[justabigassnerd]

hey guys,

this is a post I've been debating on making for a few days and I think it's time I just post it.

from today I will be going on a writing hiatus

I will more than likely still be active on here to support my friends and just read and reblog stuff on my sideblog and to talk to people etc.

this isn't a decision I'm taking lightly nor does it bring me any pleasure to make such a post

I have been really struggling with motivation and I'm getting trapped in such a bad headspace where I constantly feel guilty for not writing enough or at all, I'm constantly comparing myself to others, and I feel like I'm not doing good enough for y'all

I don't know how long this hiatus will be. it could be a couple of weeks, it could be a month or so, I honestly cannot give y'all a set answer. I just need time to not stress over writing and find the love I used to have for it because I worry that if I keep pushing myself I'll just end up wanting to leave entirely and I really don't want to get to that point

I can totally understand if this pisses y'all off, or upsets you but all I ask is that you just go forward and make sure you support any writers, artists, etc. because you never know how much they might need it and a little compliment can go such a long way on here.

I also just want to say a huge thank you to @callsign-dexter and @maverick-wingman for helping me find a way to this decision and just being there for me when I've been at my lowest. I love and appreciate y'all so much <333

much love <3

[nitewrighter]

if you DO manage to piece together some sort of a reading list for that 'editor Clark & foreign correspondent Lois' era, would you be okay to share it? Suddenly I am also very interested.

Honestly it's all very "Monster of the Week," and a real pain in the ass to figure out the sequence of what title the actual next chronological part of the story is taking place in. Basically I've been dependent on the "Find out next week" preview notes at the end of various issues (Which sometimes aren't even there...) or the "Coming Soon!" promos that have their own little section in the fan letters page. So like.. REALLY my first trip down the rabbit hole with this era (Post-Return of Superman Mullet Era!!!) started with the supervillain Conduit, so that starts way the hell back with Superman: The Man of Steel Issue #0.

"Oh, #0, you say, that sounds like a very simple place to start."

Oh--Oh you'd think that, wouldn't you! Except this Man of Steel is not to be confused with Byrne's Man of Steel! This Man of Steel is #0 as part of the "Zero Hour" event--so this "Man of Steel" title "starts" in 1991, but it's previous issue was fucking Superman: Man of Steel #37. But honestly yeah, you start with Man of Steel Issue #0, then Adventures of Superman Issue #0, then Action Comics #0, and then, FUCKING SUPERMAN: MAN OF STEEL #38. But anyway, yeah, it's tedious, but honestly I've been blazing through these issues too fast to really come up with a curated list for you, but if you keep fucking five tabs open on your super-janky comic pirating site and repeatedly click back to the wiki for additional reference and just keep an eye out for the "Next Week!" end of issue notes, you too, can have the brain worms I do!

I should probably mention that there are more curated compilations of this Era, so like, if you really want the 90's Full Court Press but don't want to wade through as many issues, you can start back with the whole Death/Reign/Return of Superman saga (AKA Supermullet: Origins), which has plenty of trade paperbacks. Like, that's really the baseline starting point I'm working with even before I started digging through the issues for Conduit. (It all started... when I died...)

So like, to actually answer your question the "Acting Managing Editor Clark" thing only got started with Perry's cancer diagnosis, and honestly I can't tell you which issue that started in. It's... *gestures vaguely* somewhere in there. The Lois as a Foreign Correspondent thing really got kicked off because of her and Clark's breakup, which has its major catalyzing event in Action Comics #719 (...and I also recently wrote a fic inspired by it *cough*). So you can also start at Action Comics #719 to wade through all the breakup drama, again, just by following the "Next Week" notes, and honestly this *is* the period where you have stressed-out editor Clark, which is fun. NOW we're getting to "The Final Night" Crossover event, which is where Clark loses his powers--I still have to read the crossover event itself because I realized I was just reading all the Superman issues on the margins of it, but honestly I'm looking forward to it. From there you can jump into the Superman & Lois Lane Wedding Album for a nice happy ending (And if you're still worried about Clark's powers then you can look up the issues for the "Power Struggle" story arc. Okay.)

I should also give the caveat that this Superman is largely shaped by Byrne's reboot of Superman, which has its pluses and minuses. Like, Byrne very much emphasized Clark's being raised by Ma and Pa Kent and he also established Luthor as more of a hypercapitalist than just a pure mad scientist archetype, but he also made Clark a popular chad High School football star in Smallville, so that can be jarring if you're coming into this from the MAWS crowd and are used to a much softer shyer Clark. So many women are throwing themselves at Clark in this era and it's kind of a pain in the ass (Go AWAY, Maxima! No means no!).

So like... obviously YMMV, read critically, and be mindful of like... the era.

[gloomyclauds]

Sooo... I’m sick. I think it’s just a cold. Either way, I’m pissed that I always seem to get sick when I actually get time for myself 🥲 But I can't help but wonder if my dizziness has to do with something else entirely.

tw:anxiety // tw:eatingdisorder

I started a new medication, the day before I started feeling sick, and I’m hoping some of my symptoms don’t have to do with that. But I’m honestly freaking out a bit.

To sum up, ever since the pandemic, my acne has been really bad. And even though it’s over now, I still wear a mask everyday at work, which makes my skin horrible. I finally managed to get an appointment with a dermatologist and I was diagnosed with adult acne, and I have to take medication which has a lot of side effects. But what’s stressing me out the most is the fact that it can lower my blood pressure, and apparently (after reading the info paper) it can make me lose weight. I’ve struggled to gain weight all my life. It only improved after I was diagnosed with anxiety and started taking medication. Literally after a two weeks of doing the treatment, I gained 10kg, by eating what I normally would. So the thought that something could potentially make me lose that weight is freaking me out, and I wish the doctor would’ve mentioned it, as I am still very skinny. I weight the minimum for my height, and after years of trying, I can’t get past it, but at least I'm healthy. And I don’t want to lose what I managed to achieve and maintain all these years.

I always feel weird talking about it, because most people don’t even believe me when I tell them I struggle to gain weight. They think I simply don’t eat, and that it’s impossible for anxiety to cause this, even if I've been diagnosed and treated by a doctor. They don’t even believe me when I tell them I only used to weight 41kg, but I did. After turning 14 I stopped growing and gaining weight. This is something that has haunted me my entire life, and I’m finally happy with my body. I never want to hear comments about how skinny and sickly I look while at work, from family, or while going out, from people I don’t even know. I was diagnosed at 18, maybe 19, and I'm now 28. For years I didn't have to worry about my weight, until I read that stupid info paper.

Maybe I’m freaking out for no reason, it’s something that can happen, but that doesn’t mean it will. It's easy to be paranoid when so many of the side effects are the same ones you'd feel from a cold. But it sucks if my only option for treatment is to either be very skinny or have horrible skin. I can’t win. I can’t even get another appointment right now as I work a night shift, and during the mornings I have to take care is my mother.

I don’t even know if that trigger warning is the right one for this kind of topic, I haven't been diagnosed with an ED, but as I talk about weight and weight loss, I just thought I'd be safe. And don’t worry, for now this could all be a cold and I just need to rest and stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. But talking about it helps 🙂 I’m also sorry this is super long, I just wanted to let you know what's up, since I've said I was going to start posting again soon.

[blueberrybladelemonade]

When the Light Fades

Contains: Death talk (Y/N's), Suicide ideation, Blood mention, Semi graphic, Angst, No comfort. Honestly the heaviest and most depressing thing I've wrote. So uh...hope that's enough warning for everyone.

Along with you died joy. All that remains is despair and a future of meaningless tomorrows.

~Silent Hill 2 Acacia Key Puzzle 

You had been together for eight years, married for the last three of them. 

Peppino remained slumped in the chair. He had on more than one occasion went to the tower ruins and stared at the sea below. Waves slapped harshly at the rocks. A drop from this height would be instantaneous. No pain, or maybe for a mere second, and he'd be gone. Like you. 

It had been four years since you were gone. Each day feeling like it was just yesterday it happened. Peppino remembered looking up at the calendar a year ago, in disbelief three years had passed.  

Peppino slept better with you. You made him feel whole. He had frequently awoken from night terrors, some of the particularly awful ones eliciting a scream or crying. 

Every time you would be forced awake because of him. Every time though you held and comforted him. Despite always feeling broken from his PTSD and nightmares, you remained at his side. He remembered how he used to worry that you would get fed up with him and leave. Instead you gave him love. You never made him feel like a burden or grew angry. Instead you'd gently run a hand down his back and tell him "It's ok, you're safe Pino. I'm here".

He slept better with you. Now though? No amount of weighted blankets, pillows, or even headphones with audio that played a heart beat with breathing could replace you. Nothing could ever replace you. 

"I love you." You'd press your forehead against his with a sleepy grin. Despite being half asleep, Peppino would wrap an arm around you and pull you against him. "I love you too, Y/N". You'd make a happy noise as you lay your head against his chest and drift back to sleep. 

This life held no joy without you. It was colorless and miserable. Peppino's life hadn't been easy by any stretch. After the war he came back plagued with anxiety and PTSD. Then later on he opened a pizzeria with Gustavo where he eventually struggled with debt. Then much later he dealt with the tower incident. 

His life had been riddled with stress and problems. That is, until you showed up and became a bright light in his otherwise dark life. 

Then soon, too fucking soon, you were cruelly ripped away from him. The pain was intolerable and tore at his heart. 

The fight was over something trivial. That day. It had to do with getting a shower before crawling into bed. He never meant to do it to anger you, some days, especially that week he had been completely worn and just wanted to lay down. 

Instead you left the room in a huff, deciding to sleep on the couch instead. Before you could settle down he dropped his pillow on the couch. He snapped at you to just be happy now that the damn bed wouldn't get dirty. 

Just be happy now. 

He remembered not sleeping well that night and after having an already exhausting week, he had been short with you. Your glared at him, eyes holding a mix of indignation and hurt, and how you told him to have a good day. 

Despite your frustration, you still gave him a kiss and asked to talk about it later. He returned your actions by waving you off. 

"I hope you have a good day." You call from the door as you're about to leave. Peppino gives a noncommittal reply, his back to you as he washes a glass. He hears you shuffle closer before feeling an arm wrap around his shoulder in a half hug. You press a kiss to his temple. He stares at you wearily but makes no move to reciprocate. "Can we talk later?" You ask. Peppino shrugs "Sure". 

As he went to work Peppino overheard a conversation about an accident later that day. How a car had been totalled and there was a casualty. 

He couldn't recall how much time had passed before an officer that had entered the pizzeria asking to speak with him. That's when his stomach dropped. 

Everything else was a blur, as if he was in a fucked up dream. 

He remembered screaming as your lifeless body was uncovered. Blood. Your beautiful face was coated in blood. A gash was carved into your chest as glass shattered and was crushed against you. 

There you lay, lifeless. His light, his heart, his joy. Dead. He didn't even get to say goodbye. Instead he cruelly shrugged you off. 

You had been at a stop sign and a truck had plowed into your car. The brake on it malfunctioned, apparently. You bled out on the road. In pain and alone, gasping your last breaths. 

Did you die thinking he didn't love you? 

Peppino looked through his medicine cabinet. He had been crying again, great racking sobs that made his entire body shake. There had been enough different drugs in there that today could've been the last day he had left the house. He slammed it shut, instead turning the sink handle and splashing water onto his face.

You would make breakfast often, sometimes sliding out of bed before he had woken up. When you did wake him though, you'd sometimes tug him out of bed as he grumbled at you. Other times you would come back into the bedroom and bring breakfast into bed. 

After you died. No. Killed. He still tried to eat breakfast when he would get up in the morning. Every single time it tasted bland. He remembered once that he flung the plate off the table in frustration. He couldn't stand eating breakfast anymore and skipped it completely after that day. 

"Pino." You gently nudge at his shoulder. "Nhm." He groaned in response. 

"Pino, wake up. I made breakfast." You shake him a bit more firmly. Instead he swats at you and yanks the blanket over his head. "Five more minutes amore mia". 

Peppino awoke with a jolt as he was hit with a blast of cold air.

"Che cazzo signora!" He yells as he glares at you, holding the corner of the comforter. You stifled the laughter bubbling in your throat. "Good morning signor! Would my sweet and handsome husband like to eat breakfast"?

Move on they said. It's time. He thought bitterly. Moving on meant forgetting. Not thinking about you. Telling him time would heal and ease the pain. It was an empty platitude. 

He didn't want the pain to stop. Knowing you were gone and having this pain, it kept him from ever forgetting you. He couldn't just relive those happy memories. He didn't want them to just be memories. He wanted you back. 

You were never coming back. 

Even the Noise no longer made jabs or pulled pranks on him. In any other circumstance this would've been a blessing. The real reason was Theo felt deeply unsettled. As if Peppino would actually kill him if pushed, even a little. 

Peppino hated how everyone acted towards him now. On eggshells. As if they even looked at him a certain way he'd snap. How they seemed to choose their words cautiously. 

Peppino stared at the ceiling vacantly. He hadn't even realized it had become night time. He was dead inside. There was nothing he looked forward to each day. He simply went through the motions. This was just his life now. 

One day he'd get himself together. Today wasn't that day.

Gus was around still and had taken over running the restaurant. He would listen to Peppino and offer some comfort but it never was enough. Along with that, Gustavo could only handle being a shoulder to -literally- cry on before it took it's own mental toll on the man. Lately Brick and that weird clone had done more than Peppino had at the pizzeria. 

"Hi Gus!" You'd call as you stepped into the pizzeria. "Hi Y/N! What brings you in?" Gustavo would return your smile as you'd take a seat at the counter. "Oh not much, but can you keep a secret?" You'd ask, though never lowering your voice for this supposed secret. Gustavo would peer at you curiously before nodding, knowing your routine by now.

"You think I'ma cute?" You smile brightly and nod. You watch as your boyfriend opens the bag and pulls out the container. Peppino gives you a grin, realizing you had cooked and brought him lunch. 

"The cutest guy I know".

Peppino didn't know when he fell asleep. He simply felt his eyes burn and tears fall onto the picture he had clutched to his chest. The one of your wedding day. 

(I'm sorry for writing this and taking an angst bat to your kneecaps 🥲)

[cakemagemaeve]

Ugh, I think I need to take a break from Serious Business(TM) for a while. I've been exhausted and stressed and just feeling so hopeless lately, and I think I need to take some time to just focus on happy shit for a little while.

Speaking of, anyone want to see pictures of the kittens that were born in my back yard this April and whom I've been taking care of until they're old enough to go to new homes? I've also got to find homes for their mother and older sister, who was the only survivor of the mom's first litter and who is still slightly feral (but she's made so much progress since we moved them all into the guest room). As attached as I am to these little shits, unfortunately I can't keep any of them. A stray cat having babies in my back yard is how I ended up with five of the seven cats I already have, so... yeah. It's also unfortunate that they're already 11 weeks old and I still haven't found anyone willing to take one. It's kinda stressing me out, to be honest! I mean I love them all and will no doubt cry when they do leave, but frankly, we're already struggling right now, and in more ways than one. Anyway, picspam time!

This is the mama, October Daye, taken when she was still pregnant. She's an incredibly sweet cat and an excellent mother, and honestly I don't think she's a stray so much as she and her previous litter were dumped in the woods by my house (it's a big problem in my area). I only saw her with two kittens, but they were both feral and only one of them was able to get over her fear of people, at least for the most part. Unfortunately, I couldn't save the other one.

This is the older sister, Little Soot. She used to run whenever she hear the door open, but little by little I was able to bond with her. I basically just did what Hiccup did in HTTYD, and I'm pleased to say that his dragon-training method works for cats, too. She's come a long way, but I've still got a lot of work left to do before she'll be be ready for a new home. Baby steps and all that. She took to the litterbox right away, and she's increasingly affectionate, playful, and showing signs of wanting to jump into my lap at times. The next big hurdle is going to be picking her up and putting her in a carrier, something we've only managed once (to get her into the guest room) and which kind of set us back a little ways. Had to rebuild some trust). As it is, her mama and siblings have had their shots, and she was supposed to get them at the same time, but we couldn't get her into the carrier and didn't want to traumatize her further. Still working on it.

And here are the babies the day they were born! There are only four in this picture, but we found the fifth not long after.

There's one boy and the rest are girls. Two calicos, one solid black, one black and white.

It took us a while to find the right box setup for them until we could bring them inside (was waiting for the flea/tick/heartworm/etc. meds to come in, which took a bit, but we somehow managed to keep them safe while they were living on the back porch. Luckily, the flea treatment I gave their mother and sister killed all the fleas on them, too.

Clockwise from the top we have Panda, Fumbo, Puzzle, Harriet Houdini and Sir Cheeto the Cheez Doodl of the Marmalade Order. And yes, he is my favorite and I wish I could keep him SO BAD.

During the day, we'd put them in a kiddie kitty pool for air and exercise. Also, my dog Pippin was and is both obsessed with and terrified of the kittens.

I think these are from the day we moved them all into the guest room (don't worry, we took that shelf behind them out of there). They also took to the litter box right away, and quickly turned the entire room into their personal playground.

Anyway, this is what I've spent most of my time and energy on these last few months. I love them all so so much, but boy am I exhausted! Also, my legs and hands look like I lost a fight with a weedwhacker. Which reminds me, it's time to give them another nail trim.

But yeah, the mama and the babies have had their first shots, and I'm trying to set up appointments for Toby and Soot at a low-cost spay/neuter clinic. I want to give them all the best start I possibly can, but even so it's not gonna be cheap, and right now we're hurting for money. Had some emergency expenses this week that took a chunk of my bank account (my cat Maya Miette [and yes, she does send me to jail for 1000 years on a daily basis] has a lump on her leg that's going to have to be removed), but worry not, I would gladly go hungry before I let any of my furry little demon children do without anything they need. So yeah, this is why I'm scrambling to get stuff listed on eBay.

More pics later if I have the energy!

[figuringitoutasigoalong]

You ever feel like you're entering a season of preparation? Like, that a decision has been made, and things are being taken care of, but now you have to prepare?

Although I don't make it as obvious on here, I'm not quiet about the fact that I am a Christian. If you're friends with me, you know it. What most people don't know is that the past few years I've felt a disconnect and growing distance. Don't get me wrong, my faith never floundered! But it was like I was wrapped in something that made it hard to see and hard to move, like some sort of shroud.

At first I attributed it to grief over mother's death. Then I chalked it up to stress at work. Then I thought it was the loss of my job. It affected me enough that both my father and sister started to question if I was depressed, which, yeah, maybe I was, a little.

But in truth, while all of the above were factors for sure, at the crux of it, the main problem was, I had let myself slip in my walk with Christ. I went to church. I went to Sunday School. I sang on praise team, taught missions in VBS, showed up for things. But I wasn't connected.

A few weeks ago, I took a break from the internet. For a week, I stayed away, and focused, instead, on my relationship with God. It was a fast of sorts, where instead of thinking about God every time I was hungry, I thought about him every time I went to open Discord, or thought about mindlessly scrolling tumblr. It was honestly a very good thing for me, in so, so many ways, and it helped me reconnect. While I'm still struggling some, it made a big difference.

Last night at church, we prayed for our mission partners. Some are new churches. Some are groups. Some are just people. But during that a clear thought from my heart came across. "I wish I could do that." The moment the thought came across, so clear and articulated, I knew it was true, and it had been for a long time.

Mama always knew that one of us--my sister or me--would be a missionary of some sort. That hadn't seemed to have happened. But if I've learned anything, it's that things don't always happen when we think they should.

I have a very high loyalty to my family. I have always looked out for them, helped to take care of them, felt it was my duty to take care of my family. I've helped raise my little sister. I've been a caregiver for my mother for years at a time. I worry about leaving Dad alone.

None of my jobs have ever worked out long-term. I'm always let go or forced to resign at some point. I work, and I work hard, but I can't seem to keep a job, which is frustrating.

Today, as I was doing my prayer time, I focused for a moment on what my heart had articulated. "I wish I could do that." And that's when it occurred to me.

My sister is married with a family, and wonderful in-laws. She's taken care of.

Mom died three years ago. She's with Christ. She's taken care of.

Dad is dating a great woman, and wants to marry her. He's taken care of.

I'm not locked into a job, like I would have been, if I was still at the school and had gotten tenure.

I'm not married, I have no family of my own, and I'm not even dating.

By all accounts, I have no duties or obligations anymore that hold me in place. Yeah, I'm about to start a new job on the 8th, but it's not the same as a carrier. I'm not tied to it in the same way. Everything that would tie me down, that would keep me in place is taken care of. And this job just fell in my lap.

I don't think everything is ready yet, for whatever is coming. I think that maybe this is all a step. But God is taking care of the things that tie me down, making sure they're cared for. And He's giving me what I need for the moment. I think that I'm entering into a time of preparation. Preparation for what? I'm not sure. Something with missions. How long will I be in preparation? I don't know. Could be a day, could be a decade. I'll find out.

But I think I'm being prepared for something. And it's scary. But it's good. I just need to stay aware, and keep moving forward.

And yes, the fact that I'm realizing this during Passion Week, right before Good Friday, just before Easter, a time of dedication, change, renewal, and celebration, is not lost on me.

But God knows I enjoy some good symbolism, lol!

[herrscherofmagic]

I think I might take a break from making fanart for some time; or at least, I'll try and make it less of a priority.

This thought came to me just now, and while I don't really have a concrete plan or process in mind I figured I might as well share it anyways

Of course, I do intend to still make fanart soon, and I still have an insane amount of ideas on future projects. Just take a quick glance at that project overview thingy I posted a while back, and you'd see just how much I still have to do!

But honestly, art has been really stressful for me recently. Not because of art itself, not because drawing is difficult. It's just that I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, exhaustion, and stress from other life stuff, and I already have really low self-esteem when it comes to my art, so trying to force myself to work on these various fanart WIPs hasn't been helping at all.

So I think I want to experiment a bit and start posting more of my practice work. Gesture drawings, studies, anatomy notes, scribbles, and whatever else comes to mind. I want to try and do more with drawing from life both with pen and with pencil, too.

One of my biggest issues is that it's incredibly difficult for me to focus and commit on anything. This isn't an art issue, this is an issue I have with nearly everything in my life. So I can't really "solve" it, I just have to mitigate it to the best of my ability.

Recently, I think what's been giving me the most trouble with art is that I struggle with line quality and mark-making. I'm starting to understand anatomy more, I've gotten decent at gesture, I'm even taking a live drawing class as part of my college studies; but none of these things matter if I can't even move the pen(cil) across the paper or screen to make the mark I need to convey form, shape, value, and so on.

I'm also not just talking about lineart in the sense you usually think of, like in manga as one example. This is about all sorts of marks, whether it's using a brush to show value on the side of an object, or making lines to show the position & orientation of a limb.

I tend to draw really quickly and roughly, basically drawing at the same speed that I think- which is way too fast. Sometimes it's good to draw quickly like that, but I'm running into an issue where I'm spending upwards of one hour on rough sketching and "planning" when I should be taking less than 30 minutes on that, and using the rest of the time to actually draw the damn thing T_T

And because I rarely get to that later stage in the drawing, I've constantly hit roadblocks with my more complex works because I have so little experience there. That disconnect between my ideas and execution is really demoralizing, but I don't think I realized what the exact issue was until these past few weeks...

Instead of trying to worry about these large illustrations or comics and whatnot, I think I want to try and focus on some drawings that will help me really figure out my mark-making. Things like drawing a scene from life, such as plants or buildings or people on the street. Drawing more studies of clothed people instead of only doing anatomy. Drawing 3D forms in simple perspective, and then repeatedly adding more onto these forms to try and add complexity without muddying up the drawing with inconsistent and shoddy linework.

I've always wanted to add those kinds of drawings to my social media, but my ideas for fanart fill my mind 24/7 and I've been trying so hard to realize these ideas- and failing miserably. At the rate that I'm going, we're gonna experience the heat death of the universe before I reach a level of artistic skill that would actually let me make a living and survive off of my work. So I need to seriously address these concepts, and I need to (mostly) detach it from my fanwork so I don't get too emotionally attached to the countless shitty drawings I'll be making >.>

So I'll try and worry less about making all these cool fanarts and instead pick a single or handful of simpler fanarts to seriously work on, and surround those few works with lots of other practice that will help me build the skills I need to execute these ideas.

I also think I'm going to go back to writing more fan fiction in the meantime, since my writing skills are pretty well developed; far more than my drawing, at least. So I can try to present more of my fan ideas through writing instead of only through art, that way I can still share these thoughts with the world.

Plus I have some ideas that can help combine my fanfics with simple fanart in the form of illustrations- like one or two drawings per chapter of a fic, for example. Not full scenes with lots of detail- rather they'd be simple drawings with more rough linework and simple shading, which focus on conveying a key idea of the text instead of trying to convey all the meaning within the artwork itself. Like if a chapter introduces a new character, then having an illustration of said character in a simple scene. That kind of thing!

No clue where this'll take me, but hopefully it'll at least let me continue to improve my art skills without feeling miserable, while also giving me time to catch up on other work that I've been neglecting, including some huge life stuff I need to sort out if I want any chance of surviving on my own once I graduate.

I'll still have a lot of stress and anxiety from other places, but I want to at least take art and transform it into something I can do for fun and to relax, instead of being stressed by my art because of the pressure to make things "look good" instead of building up the skills I need to do that in the first place. If I can learn to enjoy making art, that'll go a long way in helping me get to a better frame of mind ^.^

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi! Dissociation anon here, with a lil positive update after quite the few months:D How have you been? I hope you are doing well:>

So, I officially spend like 90% of my time 3,5 hours away from my abusers and their dysfunction while I get that education!! Med school is all nine circles of hell, btw, but in the times in which I am not sleep deprived beyond belief after having to prepare for three big tests and write five projects in three days, I am enjoying myself quite a bit! Also formaldehyde stinks like a bitch and cadavers look much grayer than you might think, but that's besides the point.

Honestly the first few months after leaving were HARD, but then again, I am the idiot who decided to unpack their own trauma without a professional therapist and with a tiny support system as soon as I could. Though to be honest, as grueling as the trauma work was, it definitely was worth it, as now, seven months in, I have much less prominent issues and am generally a thousand percent mentally healthier than I used to be. Still dissociate occasionally, though, because I guess some things never change lmao

But I've made quite a few new friends in med school and honestly that helps a lot to deal with any bad days that come with traumatic memories resurfacing, so that's neat!)

Bad thing is - the drama in the dysfunctional family system has gotten a lot worse since I left. Good thing - due to my physical absence I don't need to deal with it:D It's because of the economic crisis the country is in, you know, but I needn't worry!! There is never enough doctors, so even the newbies get snatched as early as possible (I kid you not, I literally had a "You wanna work for us when you finish med school?" Offer when I went to a clinic for a routine check up two weeks ago, and I have five more years of studying left) So, despite the general nation-wide spread of gloom, personally I'm feeling pretty good about the future, and that's definitely a first!

So like, let this be testament to anyone out there struggling to the fact that getting out of an abusive situation is completely possible, and life, in fact, can get better! So like, good luck to all of the other anons and good luck to you, as well!:D

Hi again!!!! It's so nice to hear from you, and I'm so so happy things are going well in med school! I have an irl friend who's also studying medicine in uni, so I have some idea of how nightmarish that can be 😅 I'm really glad you're enjoying yourself in between all of it despite the stress!

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must be to unpack your trauma without professional support! The first months after I left my mother were also horrible even with help, but luckily everything started changing for the better soon afterwards. I'm so glad you're doing so much better now, and I hope things keep changing for the better for you! It's so so great to hear you've made friends and don't have to deal with your family drama anymore and the future is looking good 😊

I second this message: life can absolutely be better after abuse, even if you can't bring yourself to believe or envision that right now.

Also, thanks for asking! I'm doing well, just now recovering from Covid and trying to get back on my feet, but other than that things are looking better for me too ❤️ sending a big virtual hug!

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

hey what do you think about Jungkook's latest vlive? Do you think he's having a hard time or missing the members/team?

Hi! Remember sending this ask? First, my apologies. I almost always reply to asks in order, but when I know it'll take me a long time to reply to an ask I leave it for last. This Jungkook live, like nearly all of them, was sooo long. I watched parts 1 and 2 a week ago maybe, and I only got around to watching parts 3 and 4 today - because JK went live again and I still haven't the cooking live. Jungkook stresses me out whenever he goes live because I feel pressured to keep up with the translations and to watch it. But, honestly, I don't enjoy watching them a lot of times. I like the singing ones, and I really liked the gym one, but this multi-part live wasn't for me.

I don't like alcohol so watching Jungkook drink in 90% of his lives and talk about drinking or his terrible diets is kind of... unpleasant to me. Now I know he apparently vapes too so it's like... In a way, I liked it better when I knew less about him, when he was just cute and PG rated... I hate to admit it, but I can't relate to this side of him and it's the side he's been showing us a lot. He's just like everybody else but I don't really have friends, and I'm not like everybody else in a bad way.

Anyway, I watched 2 parts while working out so I was entertained, but it was hard to watch parts 3 and 4 while doing nothing else. I also skipped some bits. Watching him drink (and the sounds he makes after drinking) and say whatever is not interesting. And his darkly lit room and the candle made me feel lonely. That kind of "chill" mood is unpleasant to me.

Regarding your question, I don't know? We aren't used to seeing Jungkook like this so I think everything's being taken out of context. He's not just drinking and smoking all day or whatever. And people do that a lot. I never worry about others, so why should I worry about Jungkook? Yet I do... Because I love him and want him to be "perfect" which in my eyes means him not doing things I don't like. I don't have anything objective to say, sorry. This is all about me haha. I've no idea if Jungkook is lonely. He probably misses the members and BTS, but he has friends and family too. Maybe he's feeling lost, but maybe he was already feeling lost before? Maybe he's less lost now? We aren't used to Jungkook being this candid with us. We know now Jimin was really struggling in 2021 but at the time he seemed fine to me. The other members could be struggling as well, but we are focused on Jungkook because drinking alone and spending so much time in his house is like a red flag or something. But I think he's always been like this, except he never used to have so much time to himself.

Also, about the crying at the end, Jungkook had been drinking and listening to sad music, in the dark, on less than 3 hours of sleep. His eyes might have teared up from lack of sleep and because he was feeling especially emotional at that time of night. It doesn't mean anything per se. Sometimes you feel sadder but bounce back the next day. Everyone feels sadness, loneliness or just vulnerable some days, even if they're not going through a hard time. I'm not sure we know enough to speculate about Jungkook, but, in all honesty, he does seem to be struggling a bit. But I don't know if I'm projecting because I've done the stay home every day and go to bed super late thing and feel better now that I have a job and can't do that. But this is Jungkook's choice as far as I know, whereas in my case it was just depression.

You (maybe) waited a long time for nothing, sorry! But thanks for the ask! What did you think about it?

[system-of-a-feather]

It is really wild how heavily my feelings towards possibly having a semi-normal semi-low stress semi-free life soon swings WILDLY between the normal and expected joy and excitement, and sheer depression and anxiety. It's part of the motions itself and it's the trauma speaking, but the idea of not having my childhood trauma placing strict psychological walls and limits of what I can and can't do just... in a weird way it seems almost miserably boring right now. Like literally 3 hours ago I was excited and relieved but now Im dreading it - and I'm pretty sure I'm still me, maybe I'm still fused with Data as well and its just me swinging between two dominant sides, I can't tell but good god the swings from relief, excitement, joy and just an existential crisis and sense that without the chronic stress and pressure and extremely rigid walls I've been living in if I would even still be me

Which is an anxiety thing, because obviously Ill still be me and obviously life will still suck and be stressful in its own ways, but man is the idea of being relatively free came out of left field and I've only had a month to really realize how close we are to it.

I'm honestly... kind of scared to be happy. I don't think I'm ready for it XD

Like straight up, I'm terrified of being happy and healing now that I'm at a huge threshold point in healing probably. Im just like

Wait wait

Wait no wait

Hold up slow down

I haven't thought about this decision genuinely beyond a theoretical haha thatd be nice but would never happen

And its at my front door

What do you mean Ill have OPTIONS in life other than survive

Im not ready for OPTIONS in life

God someone hide me I'm not ready to live and thrive jesus christ

Most graduating college students I feel have this anxiety around graduating because they have to live on their own, take on independence, and have to adult permanently on their own and that stress I'm good I love that I'm ready for that

But god damn does the freedom of not having to prepare for the next test every 3-4 weeks, the grind to do more and more, and then returning home and not having my own place - that shit, THAT shit scares the fuck out of me

Make me survive on $5 for food a day, fine I can make that work I'm used to and good at struggling and suffering. Give me a home and money that I make myself and let me live with my supportive and loving fiance and engage in my hobbies when I get the chance because I succeeded at immense cost at preparing for the work force?????????

Relaxing?! ENJOYING LIFE?! terrifying.

Like Im writing this satirically but its unironically the thing thats had me dysregulated for a fucking month. It's getting better and more manageable than before but good GOD have I never more understood the thing my therapist tried to get me to understand that "I have grown comfortable in my misery"

Like I don't want to stay in my current life style god no its not sustainable, but to get BETTER? To have a chance at something nice? Somehow right now that sounds scarier than the current life cause man, I know my misery. Even when my brain genuinely doesn't see this as a "waiting for second shoe to drop" the level of which I am so unfamiliar with existing in anything but a chronic trauma response state and the possibility that I might not be in a chronic trauma response state TERRIFIES me.

And Im really here going "Don't worry we still live in a dystopian capitalist society and life will still suck its okay" to ease my anxiety and good god

I fucking god PTSD man. Someone without PTSD aint like this man

-Riku

[t33nunic0rnz]

post meet!

okay, so i just got home from my meet, it went okay, i got 6/9, really struggled with bench and got 2 red lights on my last deadlift attempt (soft lockout but it was not that heavy for me). just some initial thoughts, i am stoned so they might be all over the place: overall it was pretty fun, i definitely understand why people like competing. i had really strong squats bc i kept them super low since they have been a struggle lately, but everything felt super light and good there.

that gave me some confidence out the gate, which was nice.

then my bench opener was 57.5kg and it was ezpz, but i failed my next two, idk why exactly, just seemed like i didn't have it in me. my third attempt the bar bounced on my chest so it took ages to get the press command, and idk it just messed me up. i benched 140, failed 145 during my last heavy week, so maybe i already wasn't feeling confident, and my shoulder injury/hypermobility stuff is flaring up because i've been working so much and not standing. so that was definitely a factor, and it makes sense that i'd have a hard time. i had a harder time setting up in their rack and that played a factor. so lesson there is, stand more at work, keep up with pt exercises, and my bench will do better. and make sure i keep healthy boundaries with work and don't overwork myself.

i really want my bench to get better, but it's hard, it seems to be stagnating/getting worse. i was so close to really benching my bodyweight and now i feel like i'm further away, and im not sure why. probably stress from work and the above shoulder pain. i was feeling amazing about my bench in january, doing 145x2. I supposed it's not that big of a drop, it just sucks that it coincides with my first meet. but you win some, you lose some.

deadlifts honestly felt great, like i really wasn't worried about them at all, i am pretty confident in my deadlift these days. watching the videos back, while the lifts go up quickly and they're (mostly) well executed, i definitely was rushing my setup because of my nerves. to no one's surprise, i was kind gripping and ripping, which can bug my back, and isn't the best way to do the lift. so i think the best thing there is practice really. i just honestly didn't feel like i was rushing it all that much, but i really wasn't pulling slack enough. i think those bad habits will probably always creep up under times of anxiety (like right before a pr usually) if i keep practicing doing a thorough setup with heavier weights it will get easier to do. obvs.

honestly very proud of my deadlift, that is my best lift by far. and that weight felt so easy, it gets me super excited, like maybe i can actually lift more than that. so i will try and push myself when deadlifting a bit more and see what i can really do. though really, whatever i'm doing with my deadlift training seems to be working, so maybe i should just keep on keeping on.

so anyway, just some initial thoughts. i did have fun so i might do it again next year, but i didn't really see any other meets that i would want to do this year. garage gym competition is in a few weeks, but i don't feel energized to do that. i want to spend more time biking outside now that it's spring.

as far as future training goes, idk exactly, i still really love getting stronger, as long as my joints can keep up. would like to get leaner for the summer (in a healthy way). i have a couple programs kind of already ready to go, one is jeff nippard's powerbuilding 2 and the other is my usual stronger by science reps to failure bullshit. i know the sbs programming works for me, i have gotten way stronger since i started using it. but i was following powerbuilding this year when i was hitting those PRs, so who knows. what i think was going on there really is that i was stronger than i thought i was for a while, and i wasn't lifting heavy enough weight. i also think i made great gains from my last cycle in november, and i have been very consistent in my training since then. so really i don't think it came down to the programming. one thing that i love is overwarm singles, so i was adding that into his powerbuilding program for fun and (hopefully) gains and i want to keep doing that. i think that my peaking and rest time was just about right for this meet. i think if my shoulder had been in a better place i would have done better on bench.

either way i will probably just bike tomorrow, rest tuesday, and lift wednesday. by then i will likely have a feel for what i want to do programming-wise, and i'll get back to it. i think i will take a week or so off bench and shoulder stuff, and really focus on PT. i want to work on getting my squat deeper to protect my knee, which luckily doesn't feel bad post-meet.

i will probably write more later after i have had more time to think, for now i am going to puzzle and watch cozy vintage gaming youtube

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 116 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I'm kind of nervous today,

I haven't been to church in 3 weeks and I'm attending today.

I've been terribly sick and in 3 weeks

I got deathly sick,

lost my boyfriend,

my friend stopped talking to me,

the one church lady who drives me to church is mad at me,

and I'm smoking weed again.

So much can happen in a year?

So much can happen in a few hours, seconds or minutes...

The last 3 weeks have been horrible and I just haven't had the energy to do anything.

I'm concerned I'm not going to get a ride home, I'm worried because I'm not being told what's going on and I'm worried because 6:30am - 9:00am goes faster than you think when you're not looking at the time.

I will have my bath, get dressed and sit here drinking my coffee waiting.

I'm thankful I can go today and I'm happy I had enough energy to read my Bible today as I've been really lacking in that department.

I feel so out of sorts, so disconnected from everyone and everything, I want to hide yet I want to be seen.

When I'm seen I'm hurt and when I'm hidden the only one who hurts me is me.

It's still not right either way though.

I'm concerned I'm going to have to answer tons of questions, my chest congestion still isn't 100% cleared up so I'm still coughing although I do feel better.

I can't be over exerting myself though...

It was nice to have time to myself though these 3 weeks, a lot of bad stuff happened but good stuff happened too.

I got a lot accomplished in this time I think even struggling through this storm and even through long break periods, I still accomplished something and it's a pretty decent sized list I think.

I just hate how others make me feel less than, like what I do is unimportant and what they do is everything.

Just because I stay at home and clean, write and give things away/sell things all day doesn't mean I'm not doing anything.

If you don't have a "job" you're inessential to the world.

I may not be essential to the world, but I am important and what I do is important to me whether anyone thinks so or not it's none of their business.

It just sucks when you finally feel okay they knock you down with ignorant comments that they know will hurt you.

If this stuff at church doesn't stop, I'm going to have to leave. I don't want to but honestly I don't think it's worth stressing out about getting there and back every week. I'm not in the loop, I'm the last minute forgotten thought, I'm just a burden everyone has to drag with them and I have no reason to stay afterwards -

Why?

So I can sit by myself for another hour?

I can do that at home...

I need to figure this out soon, everyone just uses me and leaves and I have to fix everything or have to sit out of something that's important to me because of rude people that isn't fair.

It isn't fair that everyone else gets to frolic onworth and I'm forced to quit because I said no to being signed up for groups I did not say I wanted to be signed up for or a part of?

That's childish and I truly hope and pray that some people wake up, grow up and stop lying or they can gtf away from me from now on.

Please say a prayer for me today, Thank you.

~Jenni

[emotionallyrin]

Sleeping is funny

I have depression, I've worried it may be something worse but this is about facts for now. With that I'm used to doing things like sleeping and eating whenever, usually ends up depriving myself of those things by accident- sometimes on purpose.

Recently I've been struggling though; I don't like sleeping at 7am much because I know my sleep schedule gets fucked up if I do, doesn't stop me from ending up this way though. Slipping slowly down the line starting at 3am till night after night I reach 10am. Eventually I get stressed about college starting up and wanting a good sleep schedule again but that's where my troubles come in.

I've only had this more frequently since October but I'm struggling to sleep or atleast stay asleep. When I research I find it could be my depression but I'm usually anxious too so it might be a combination- and the stress. I could sleep at 12am feeling drained like all fuck but then my body says nope and wakes me in like 3 hours and that's my day.

Coffee is keeping me alive but people would probably say it's making it worse or hurting me, I only started drinking coffee 3 weeks ago and this issue has been happening longer than that. I hate how people jump to the same conclusions like I shouldn't be playing games so late or speaking or whatever.

Literally I don't play much, if anything I don't like games anymore I just have a few brain dead ones to keep my hands active. Games that people care about, I don't play those. Something simple on Roblox that I don't think and have open in the background, whether I win or lose doesn't matter on it. If I disconnect too I don't care since its just to keep my hands active. I'm justifying it because I can forget about that I have it open honestly and it'll just turn off by itself. I don't play games, I just disassociate.

Speaking? I don't need to explain much there , I have barely anyone I speak or want to. I made a few friends recently, I've spoke about one in a old post, some people who are kind. I'm thinking of distancing myself though. Conversations, with the one friend I talked about, lead to my guilt and depression feeling more than I could handle. I'm not cutting them off, just not being around more … that leaves me almost alone. Still have friends just not very close ones. Thats fine though.

This night atmosphere, isn't favourable. I've been a night owl for far too long that although I get peace I'm also going slowly insane from isolation. Not just that but also the stress of daily life, not being able to do things normal people do at a normal rate, is just becoming too much.

[wonderlandmind4]

I smelt Daredevil so i've returned again (aka i finally had time to scroll on tumblr PFFT), see idk maybe its just how i viewed karen, but i truly never actually understood the hate around her like at all, like there were only a few moments where I'm like girl what in the god damn hell is you doing, which was taking ben to fisks moms retirement home and her going to fisks place in season 3 (but like Deborah ate that scene up so i win still PFFT). and sure maybe that scene with elektra being in the bed i see both sides of how maybe she went to conclusion a little fast but like Karen with knowing absolutely nothing beforehand honestly reacted way better then my ass would've.

Im probably forgetting some more (im struggling to try to write more than two sentences that aren't just me spamming the keyboard) but everything she's done whether it's the whole Matt thing season 2, how she handles her investigations, her logic and reactions between frank vs matt, etc have actual reasonings in my head and have been done on so many other situations with other characters in the show and people always be cheering them on EXCEPT karen. And with Matt she was quick to go back to being friends with him compared to foggy, I felt as though there was more tension with foggy up until the last episode in defenders because they writers are still tryna push the whole relationship with Karen (it triggers me and it hurts me every time they push the romantic relationship of mattkaren AHHA), so I wasn't too worried about how she reacted She didn't know shit for so long especially season 2, all she was seeing (kinda like what you said) oh I'm in a thing with this dude that i really like, lets add this stressful ass trial to it as well, oh matt is barely even coming to the damn trial that he helped push to do as well, wtf would this dude be doing but rn im too busy tryna figure out this whole trial and getting frank to stop being a dumb bitch. She's stressed enough as it is, now let's add Foggy as well not telling her shit but running off everytime he's in a conversation with matt, now the trial is utter shit, she sees a girl in his house like she got too much going on to be focused on the one week "relationship" she is dealing with matt so in her mind shes like no... im not dealing with this bs right now to hear an explanation, then immediately follows to the whole blacksmith thing. Karen in my head is the investigator for the show, she in many times is the only way we have the context of anything and people still be in her bootyhole yelling up a storm. I honestly probably need to rewatch it for like the millionth time just to make sure I'm not writing nonsense here im probably the last person to do an analysis rn AHAH but like she's my girl.

(This is the same dd anon right? I feel like the script was just flipped lol)

Speaking in what you mention of some things that Karen did kinda recklessly, just goes to her having those flaws but she’s so so passionate about wanting to help and stop things, and she shares that with Matt whether they realize it or not. And because of that passion they sometimes let logic and levelheadedness take a back seat.

I think Foggy said it once, but he needs Matt to think as a lawyer and not a vigilante as times and same with Karen. She needs to think as an  investigator/reporter and not as a passionate civilian who wants justice and revenge in a way.

But yes, I still see people hating on Karen to this day. And I’m strictly speaking of Netflix Daredevil Karen and not comic Karen (that’s a whole different thing and glad they went a different route with her character in the show)

So yeah, again. I think having Karen in the news how would be important as well