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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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shoutout to things that i experience just often enough for them to be a nuisance but just rarely enough that any time i talk about it it feels like im just making shit up for attention even when i am literally not
#im not diagnosed with anything and any time i talk about them it feels like im making shit up even though im Not#we got The Static (brain can literally only produce static noise instead of a coherent thought process. can be good or bad)#the Butterflies (little black spots that obscure my vision . kind of like passing out except i havent passed out in years)#the oof ouch me joints (my right leg randomly starts hating me and it hurts to walk . feels like itll collapse but it never happens)#the hedae (not actually a headache but im not sure what to describe it as . usually lasts like an hour)#the ick (randomly wanting to not eat anything at all ever even if i havent eaten in hours)#the slime (happens pretty often actually . usually comes if i let my mouth go dry)#the oh g oh fuck (having to drop everything and hold onto something because i feel like im going to collapse)#the . why :{ (happens if i hold anything sharper than a kitchen knife . i dont hurt myself but there are. images)#and more !#these are all normal . to me#insert screaminge
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i dont like to talk about self-diagnosis because i dont enjoy people making assumptions about me, my illnesses, and my diagnostic status. but i will say:
i have self diagnosed and gone on to be medically validated with an official diagnosis. multiple times actually. i was never wrong about my self-diagnoses.
however, i have been misdiagnosed by professionals FIVE TIMES. and let me tell you, a professional diagnosis being wrong is far more harmful than a self-diagnosis being wrong.
if your self diagnosis is wrong, maybe you used the wrong language or put yourself in a box or now feel invalid and whatnot. but if your professional diagnosis is wrong, it can lead to abuse, medical trauma, panic attacks, issues with medication, even suicide.
i was misdiagnosed with BPD when i was 15 by a psychologist that i spoke to for hardly even 10 minutes. this diagnosis was based on my parent's description of my reactions to abuse, and the diagnosis was used to validate and excuse their abuse.
i was misdiagnosed with MDD when i was 12 and put through several different types of anti-depressants. we never found anything that worked, because it was actually ADHD and dissociation, but i did end up with panic attacks and insomnia all throughout middle/highschool!
when i self-diagnosed with autism however, it saved my life. it took me out of active suicidality because i was able to finally able to accept myself after years of feeling like i am just "being a person wrong". i had the knowledge to accomodate for myself and the language to advocate for myself. this was life changing. even if i was wrong, which i wasnt, i dont see how it couldve caused any harm.
my opinions on self-diagnoses arent black and white, and im not entirely settled on them either, but i do think this is important to understand. doctors and psychologists are not all knowing. we live in a time where we can access thousands of dollars worth of university level education on the internet, even the same exact resources medical students use. plenty of people are capable of interpreting themselves and that information to come to a conclusion about what they are experiencing and what might help.
sure, self-diagnosis might be biased. but a professional is most likely going to be just as biased, and possibly less aware of it. its just silly to use bias as a primary argument when it is an inescapable feature of human psychology. there is a reason ADHD is underdiagnosed in women. there is a reason anxiety disorders are underdiagnosed in men.
an incorrect self-diagnosis wont take away resources or your space in your comminities. but professional misdiagnosis can cause real damage.
(i am not trying to fear-monger about professional diagnosis, moreso responding to the fear-mongering surrounding self-diagnosis)
#self diagnosis#psych critical#actually mentally ill#self diagnosed autism#anti psych#anti psychiatry#discourse tw#tw discourse#madpunk#neurodivergent#neuropunk
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how i see "The helper" episode . (i have diagnosed adhd and autism fyi: everyone is different so take what i say with that context <3 not all autistic people are like me so please understand this is more based on my experience personally)
Really weird post i know but hear me out. When i watch "The helper " i immediatly think about having meltdowns as a little kid or just any age in general wether online or irl.
^ Like if you`re looking at it like i am, you can understand why id say it feels like hes having a meltdown / breakdown because something that makes sense to him most of the time, now makes no sense at all to him / freaks him out |
| (Being unable to help people because they do not need his help which he is not used to , thus making him react way worse then most people would sense it is something very special to him Like how people will have specific special intrests or hyperfixations etc) personally i freak out and get meltdowns when my pc is broken or needs fixed and i cannot draw whatsoever for long peroids of time. )
and how you / i would immediatly feel ashamed , nervous and guilty afterwards , or just generally exhausted or depending on the person feel like a burden on the people around you.
(also for this next part yes i know this is implied to be sylvia`s idea but it still makes me wanna tear up because it hits home way too hard) and other people will immediatly treat you as a "trouble maker" that has to be dealt with , punished or pushed aside even tho its something you cant help and sometimes cant even understand .
the dialogue espeically is a gut punch for me.
"ohh.. So this is the guy you want out of town "
" i get it " he`s hurt , and ashamed of himself. and its probably a stretch but i feel like this has happened before because of how he says " i get it . " then he tries to turn it into a positive as per usual to his character writing , thats how much he loves helping people.
its his special intrest / hyperfixation <3333 so of course he can try to turn it into something fun . and the rest of the episode goes on as he Does what they asked him to. and they immediately reward him for throwing himself out of their way .
(this genuinely makes me so mad i`m sorry fuck those towns people man you could`ve just talked to him instead GRAHHHH) and how he gets super happy after FINALLY pleasing them.
hes so silly :33
also this last bit makes me angry a little
"son"
"thanks" ( im going to eat your soul stfu /halfjoke )
"happy i could help!! "
"that makes two of us " (BONUS) ALSO I WANT TO MENTION the scene where he tries to " stop " lord hater. I feel like this is him being pushed to his absolute limit to a point he tried to do something very out of character just for the comfort and relief of "doing something good" like hes reverting to the basics of "being a good guy " just to get that comfort of helping someone again.
it reminds me of that Version of himself in "the wanders" where the piece of himself that holds his trauma / what made him want to help everyone is still not inside of him yet, and he goes on a rant about how he is going to stop lord hater
"wander are you okay ?? " "im MORE then okay "
"IMMMM PERFECT !"
"Now come trusty steed , its time to stop that HEARTLESS evil doer LORD HATER ONCE AND FOR ALL !! "
"wait what-" "stop ?"
"YES! i am a good guy , and he is a bad guy. " "AND I STOP HIM ! "
------------------- HELPPPPP.... seriously tho sorry for the long rant about this episode but it genuinely hit home so hard that i have cried multipule times unironicly because of it. Reminder that im veiwing this through my own experience of growing up on the spectrum (adhd + autism specifically) not everyone on the spectrum will be the same as me when it comes to this episode. I had to get this out of my system because it was eating at my brain sorry yall 💔💔💔
if i made any typos or worded anything weird its becuase its harder for me to write long posts plus as of writing its 01:17 on my computor clock.
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okay, this is going to be more of a serious post about growing up disabled and in an abusive household, if that's triggering please click off :))!! but i feel like it's not an uncommon experience and i would like to open up the floor for anyone else to share as well :))
i think one of the hardest things growing up in an abusive household and being disabled was that i didn't really have the option to seek out a diagnosis before i was around 16, I was already disabled, by the legal definition, and I already had multiple diagnoses before 16 because of check ups that showed there was something very physically wrong with me. But I have only recently been able to seek out an accurate ehlers danlos diagnosis after being diagnosed with hEDS and not having genetic testing done a few years ago. I used to feel so guilty about being impaired in pretty much every aspect of my life, due to disability, and my parents definitely made that worse. I've been clinically malnourished for my entire teenage life, but doctors didn't go any further because my parents didn't want to seek out treatment for me, despite doctors telling them they should. Now I am an adult and I can make my own medical decisions but i think the intersection of being very physically disabled and growing up in an abusive household is one that should be talked about. The only medical treatment that was given to me was when I was close to dying and it wasn't in my parents hands anymore, and while my mother didn't stop treatments from happening when I was younger she never actively sought out anything, and would only do enough so doctors felt i was safe to go home. Most of my family is disabled, so I do not think it is necessarily an ableism thing, but I definitely think the fact that i was already being abused and not cared for well played into not being able to get good or quality treatment. My family that I have a good relationship with don't know how i'm still alive because i've been close to dying from malnutrition and i've had a nasal tube twice (im getting another one and then a surgical tube now because of my inability to eat and absorb nutrients). I am young, my life has just started, and even though i am still not in a great situation, understanding it was not my fault and that it was the fault of my caregivers that i've been suffering so long has helped tremendously, and especially with trauma. Doctors did notice, many many times, I've been physically and developmentally disabled my whole life, but it just took a little longer to know what the specifics were. To no fault of mine but it is something i have to deal with.
To be fair, doctors were not great either sometimes, but all of the recognized there was something severely wrong. I have a good treatment team now though.
Anyways, I wanted to share a little of my story. But yeah :)
#physically disabled#disabilties#physical disability#disabled#disability#actually disabled#disability awareness#chronically ill#chronic illness#chronic pain#ehlers danlos syndrome#hypermobile ehlers danlos#gi issues#childhood memories#childhood
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Hey I just want to offer some support, plurality is not easy to accept in yourself and more common than people think. Whether that matches you or not, that remains to be seen, but there is zero harm in reconceptualizing yourself whichever way helps you in the moment.
You can be plural and not tell anyone.
You can be plural and identify as just one person.
You can be plural and tell some people but not others.
You can be plural in a way that Tumblr really doesn't like.
I'm a diagnosed DID system. My therapist told me something interesting;
Everyone has parts of themselves. My therapist for example, has a part of her that wants to be a good therapist and pay attention to her client and do a good job. And she has another part of herself which wants to be in PJs eating ice cream and playing games. That in itself is what plurality is, as a concept. Everyone has parts. Everyone is plural in some way.
Whether or not you have parts/alters/headmates (whatever your preferred term) isn't the question. Everyone has those, kinda. But for most people, the line between them is very blurred. Most people can choose which one they want to be, or listen to, at any given time.
A dissociated system is someone who can't choose that as easily. Whose parts don't flow into each other and merge and blur like most people's do. The gaps between them are oceans not rivers.
I'm not going to diagnose you with anything or tell you how to identify and god forbid anyone mentions syscourse I swear I will kill them with an axe. (Joking for legal reasons).
My point is that I understand the embarrassment and shame and pressure associated with figuring out "whether or not you are plural" and I want to help you speedrun to the part where you accept yourself however you are. If you recognize that there are different parts of you, or other people in there with you, then that's how it is. That's your brain's way of doing self and identity. Don't agonize about being correct. Just do what feels healthy. What helps you heal and function and feel good about yourself.
I know that I felt a hell of a lot better after I accepted that I do have multiple parts and just let those parts indulge in their own interests and hobbies and personalities. We went from constant self loathing to actually loving ourselves as individuals and having fun and making our own friends. The amnesia sucks, the disorientation sucks, don't get me wrong, sometimes life SUCKS. But you really dont need to make it harder for yourself by worrying if you're faking or wharever. Humans are complicated and your brain cells aren't arranging themselves so that they apply perfectly to the rulebook of how the mind is expected to function. You are unique and if you discover that plurality is a more accurate way of thinking about yourself then good on you for working it out.
Sorry if this was unwelcome advice. Im just some guy who likes your music and follows your tumblr and I'm hoping I can save you from at least some of the pains I went through when I started wondering if I were plural. The golden rule is do what's useful for you, not what's in the "rules."
yeah totally, i think feeling that your self is divided and the idea of experience fitting into one “self” is a social construct that is not going to fit everyone’s experience. it’s easy for anyone to talk in terms of having multiple parts in what is mostly a metaphorical sense. for me i have no control over which side is going to take over and they pull me in radically different directions and some of them hate each other lol. like i deal with self hate a lot but it’s occurred to me that that necessarily requires a separate subject and object and there are two completely different patterns of behavior and personalities attached to said subject and object. i feel if what i had seen before as maladaptive habits operate as a fully formed autonomous consciousness with its own wants and needs and even its own positives it makes sense to see it as a different person. ive also started to experience this self as often outside my body, only coming in sometimes. it’s very very weird.
if this is the way i’m gonna look at it then i for sure have at least around four different selves that come in at random, usually for at least a week but sometimes for months and they each contradict the others in a way that has made me very frustrating to deal with for others and made it very difficult to complete projects. it’s like, fundamentally contradictory beliefs, but with consistent enough modes that drawing boundaries around them might help me make sense of my own experience and not get too bogged down with one way of thinking.
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Hiya babs! Really not doing too hot lately. Hope you're well though :) can I get a Miguel or Steven grant fic with a depressed reader? Love you lots and happy Halloween 🩵
You Don't Mean It...Right? ☾ Steven Grant × Depressed!GN!Reader
i haven't written for steven in forever & i miss writing for him. also, im so sorry this is a month late, love :(
Warnings: angst, mentions of lack of eating, mentions of not sleeping, mentions of isolation, reader does snap at steven and calls him a hypocrite, marc pays a visit in his mind & there's a indirect mention of jake (shows depiction of DID), FLUFFY ENDING I PROMISE
note: i don't have depression (not diagnosed), but i have two friends who are...let's just say May (in 2023) was a bad month for me. my brother also has depression & he has insomnia. if there's anything wrong, please correct me.
Steven wasn't happy. You weren't eating properly, and your sleep schedule was out of whack. Heck, sometimes you would go days without sleep, and it worried him. You'd even go as far as to isolate yourself and he couldn't take it anymore. "Love?" You moved your head, silently letting him know you were listening. "Are you sure you don't want to eat?" You shook your head and he sighed. "Love, you need to eat." You didn't move and he made his way towards you.
"What's the matter? Do you want to talk about it?" You say nothing. You scoot farther from him on the couch. Steven felt his heart break a little. He knew you weren't okay, but when you moved away from him as if he was poison, it hurt. "Alright, we won't talk, and you don't have to eat now. I'll say it for you for later, yeah? Just get some rest."
"I'm not tired." Steven sighed. "Darling, you haven't slept in days. Please, get some rest." You scoff. "Hypocrite." He was taken aback. "What?" He looked over at you with sad eyes. "You're telling me to sleep and eat when you don't even do it sometimes. You're a hypocrite." Steven froze at your words. "What?" Marc's voice echoed through Steven's head. He was also hurt by your words. He knew you weren't okay, especially because you never snapped at any of them, let alone Steven. "You don't mean that, love...do you?"
You blinked a few times before shaking your head and falling into his chest before crying. "I'm sorry." He hugs you tightly and rubs your back. "It's alright, love. Do you want to talk? Eat? Sleep?" You shook your head. "Can I just lay here with you for a bit?" He nodded. "Of course." You nuzzled into him and sighed. "I'm sorry for being so distant, Steven. I'm sorry for not eating or sleeping." He shook his head. "Don't apologize, darling. I know life can get in the way. I mean, you know better than anyone what goes on in my mind. People will think I'm bonkers, but you never did. You understood." You smiled softly. "And I love you all." Steven kisses the top of your head. "We love you too. Also, I'm sorry for not eating and sleeping sometimes too. I feel like I should apologize for that."
"I really didn't mean it when I called you a hypocrite." You say softly and he sighs. "I know, love. Just remember, if you ever want to talk about it, we're here and we'll listen." You smiled softly. "I got lucky with the three of you, didn't I?" He shrugged. "Not to sound shallow, but maybe you did." He whispered, causing you to snicker. "Hearing it from you is definitely something I have to get used to." He takes your hand and kisses your knuckles. "Good because neither of us plan on leaving you."
#steven grant#steven grant x reader#steven grant x you#steven grant x y/n#marvel#mcu#marvel universe#asks#ask#moon knight#mister knight#moon knight x reader#moon knight x you#moon knight x y/n#x reader#reader insert
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I will state my case since I am a bit tired of seeing things like this. I do not use the term pshifter for myself but I am classified as one and have been active as one. How I got into that circle was one event of certain-will-stay-unnamed "gray muzzles" around 2020-2021 traumatizing and triggering me for standing for physical nonhumanity (and fictionkin) in an alterhuman discord server (and on tumblr, calling me a kid when I was damn near an adult because i publicly told people what they did to me and demeaning me for my fear of them). I am not a shifter because of that, but I left the alterhuman community due of feeling out of place and being harassed. With that, I want to share with you the rest of this. (Originally from an reblogged ask..)
first, to anon:
"I before have truly believed i am physically an animal, or can transform into one. I’m not diagnosed or anything, but I’m 99% sure that experience was a delusion. I did not know that at the time. I can guarantee if i had been told ‘no, you aren’t’ I would have become extremely upset, and believed myself even more. i never told anyone, so it’s fine. but if i had posted it online, would that have made me a p-shifter? i would not have said I am having a delusion because i fully believed it."
If this was at the time where I and many other shifters were a bit less active (2021-2022), then I would have said you definitely would not have been accepted in our communities at all - not even now by today's shifter standards. You would be called a holothere or just physically nonhuman now, and you most likely would have found out that you are not a shifter but instead something else.
The way many of these people talk about pshifters is that they do not take from the present, but instead rely on the past and ignore any active community that has (and im listing because this is what we actually do when curating pshifting spaces) changed the rules for better.
we scout the area for misinformation and false info
we take note of what they believe and how they believe it (regarding how shifts work, if they're inclusionary or exclusionary, and if those beliefs are forced upon you or not)
we take note of the age groups and the dynamics
and then we address the space and see what feedback we get
Depending on that feedback, I would call if safe or unsafe for certain people. Those certain people being vulnerable shifters, and we will publicly denounce or encourage those spaces. I've done this multiple times with different aminos and discords I've had horrible experiences with because I absolutely do not want people to join certain spaces when they are not good. I do not sit here and let abuse happen, that's not what real shifters would do when they interact in our community.
"It's kind of both. The predatory behavior is the biggest issue, but the "making physical claims they refuse to provide evidence for" plays directly into that both in the typical "this is a cult" sense that we usually think of with p-shifters and in the "you are posting extremely triggering content for people who experience delusions and refusing to tag it with unreality"
Cults are a lot more complex than that. By your words, Christianity or any other religion is a cult because they cannot prove there are deities in the sky. You wouldn't call it that because you also have your own spirituality that affects how you go about your day, don't you? You cannot define a cult by two things when it's aspects are structured further. From what I am looking at in the current day, where I stand, there is no pshifter cult that I have not consistently denounced and called out over my time here and in other spaces.
Unreality is also something that is not applied here. Unreality implies that everyone believes this is fake, including the people posting it, and it is not real but to some people - it may be seen as real. When pshifters post "unreality", do you mean to say that our identity and our physical experiences and bodies are not real and therefore are not regarded as physically nonhuman and we do not believe so either? Because that would be false. I am physically nonhuman and a shifter because I am transitioning and shifting physically. I am permanently changing my body in relation to nonhumanity and that is a hard R+++! reality that I have struggled with accepting because of rhetoric that I was never experiencing this because nonhumanity "cannot be physical".
"But again: if you make physical claims about capital-R shared Reality, you have to be able to provide evidence for those claims; otherwise anyone can say anything and nobody can ever ask for proof."
I agree. And yet, I have input. I do believe this only applies to things that directly will affect someone such as people going out of their way to show others that they are physically nonhuman instead of it just being a thing they are. I am physically Haitian too, and yet, I am not here to prove how Haitian I am by blood count to make you believe who I am. That is simply how the internet and the world works, you cannot look at me and tell I am from somewhere or look at me and tell that I have physical experiences of shifting. That is not how the world works, me showing you DNA tests over the internet is still me saying something TO YOU without actual proof beyond a paper and diagnostics that could also change due to sampling and updating information and other factors. You do not know me so you cannot ask for proof on something that is not your business and does not actually affect anyone beyond those who continue to interact with spaces KNOWING they are unsure or lost in their own identity. Curating your spaces applies everywhere, especially in spaces where you do not belong.
"Acknowledging that it's not shared Reality is not saying your experiences aren't real."
Many shifters now, say this and admit that it may not be real for others, but it definitely is a physical, constant, permanent, unmovable, fact of their person. And guess what? They are still hounded for being physically nonhuman and being who they are. It doesn't matter how we say it, it doesn't matter that I use logic to discuss my identity, that logic is then thrown out by people who do not do further research on our present deeds and the communities we are creating now. We do not deny our history, and yet that doesn't matter, because if we do not deny it then we are "just like them," and if we do deny it, "we are just like them". There really is no escape when someone can decide what you are because they don't like the language you use or accept the way you experience it.
"And if you're choosing to use the word p-shifter, you're choosing to associate yourself with that history regardless of why you're using the word, so yeah, I'm going to bare my fangs at you first and ask questions later, sorry."
Let's talk about what I meant earlier when I said "today's shifter standards".
I define being a shapeshifting(pshifter etc) as something that can change one or more of its forms on a meta/physical level. Others might define it as being able to physically shapeshift, etc etc..
The reason I define it like that is because being a shifter isn't just shapeshifting, it's the consistent permanence of physical sensations, experiences, and changes from shapeshifting that do not come from delusion, misidentification, or self-induced alternative states. If you do not have permanent changes to your physical body and do not experience those changes being attached to you all the time regardless of circumstance - then by my definition, you are not a shifter. This is exclusive to the point of saving people the trouble of believing they are a shifter when they are not. Being a shifter is not just a term, it is a constant state of physical identification from your culture, lineage, or belief. It is inherently intertwined with you and the generations before you.
There are also different ways to be a shifter, methods, personal stories, identities and cultures, terminology and much more that has nothing to do with inherently having to be taught but something that came to them naturally. You could be an intrasomal shifter, meaning you only physically shift on the inside and not your external body. You could also metaphysically shift such in the case of physically experiencing permanent changes to your body on a spiritual level. It has absolutely no bounds because the community you speak of is DYING OFF. We are not old shifters, we do not use old shifter logic to exist, we are not indulging in cults because we have denounced majority of the cults (and other spaces have died off). The only places we have are non-shifter spaces and niche groups such as our own packs and discords.
The word pshifter is not a slur. Stop saying it like it is. It is rude, it is harsh, and it's denying us a language to speak about our experiences. If we move on to using your terminology, then we are told we do not belong. When we moving to new heights and have changed how we are are a culture since 2018 - no one ever believes that we have done anything other than be manipulative liars because everyone always sees us as one thing - doing nonhumanity "wrong".
I hope this put some insight into what is happening and the changes in definition, in terminology, and in culture. It's absolutely hard trying to exist when people see you and think you're going to exploit them just because of a word that has the baggage we have already denounced and taken from the shifters (who weren't actually shifters but kids and adults roleplaying) who absolutely hurt people. Reclaimation is an active practice we do every day, and your false information hurts a lot of us who have fought off cult narratives.
#physically nonhuman#physical shifter#physical therian#physical shifting community#alterhuman#holothere#otherkin#therian#therianthropy#alterhumanity#nonhuman#theriotype#therian things#p shifting#p shifter#physical shifting#physical nonhuman#otherhearted#otherkith#otherkinity#physical nonhumanity#nonhuman community#alterbeing
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hello, so, I have a question
I am not diagnosed, but i suspect that im autistic (my family also think i am), but I don't know how to explain to other people i know about my autistics experiences, like, how to explain that im having an sensory overload (also, sorry if something is kinda confusing, english isn't my first language)
and thanks for any possible answer :D
I have the exact same issue! That's actually part of why I started making these comics - I found it really hard to explain out loud but it made more sense to me if I could show how I felt with pictures :) I share my comics with my family and friends and I think it's helped them understand a lot more.
I think for explaining to people who might not know much about autism, it helps to be specific about what you struggle with, the impact it has on you, and what they can do to support you. So for an example with sensory overload, you could tell them you feel overwhelmed when things are too loud because it makes it hard to think, or hear, or causes you pain. And the other person could support you by turning their music down, lowering their voice, or helping you find somewhere quieter.
Another example: you struggle with changes in plans or routine and it causes you to become stressed, panic, or struggle to speak. The other person can support you by letting you know the schedule in advance and giving you a good amount of notice for anything that might change, and giving you time to adjust to a new routine.
You could also share videos or articles of other autistic people talking about experiences that you also relate to if you find it hard to put into words yourself.
I hope this is helpful!
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just realised i might have hypochondria (i spend alot of time worrying about throwing up to the point where i have severe panic attacks, it’s getting better tho so yay??j
i mean i’m gonna be honest not really. hypochondria isn’t just “oh i feel a lil worried that ill be sick” — actually, my hypochondria is only like that because it’s from a place of emetophobia but hypochondria can be anything. you might just have emetophobia!
hypochondria ruined my life last year. i couldn’t go to school: i was in the office every single saying having a panic attack. the slightest thing set me off, i would leave for anything and everything. i couldn’t eat anything, i lost so much weight and my stomach shrunk to the point where if i ate anything that to others was a normal meal id feel sick and want to puke. i was washing my hands and using hand sanitizer so much my hands were peeling. i couldn’t even use the bathroom that i threw up in. whenever my friends were sick i didn’t talk to them, which i felt horrible for but knowing that they had an illness i physically could not be near them. i’d be on the verge of tears every single time somebody coughed near me. i couldn’t listen to songs i listened to the night i threw up, i couldn’t do anything that reminded me of that night. whenever it was 12 am i would start crying and shaking because i was afraid id get sick again.
i actually don’t have hypochondria either, i have a form of it called somatic symptom disorder. anyway what im saying is that any form of health anxiety is very severe and it’s not really something you can self diagnose with .. i had to go to a doctor myself and it’s been a year and ive been able to control it better but it still influences almost everything i do (especially eating). in general (ik this is a hot take) but im not really for self diagnosing especially since its easy to over-exaggerate symptoms unwillingly because of a personal bias but anyway ANYWYA hypochondria really isn’t just feeling nervous and having panic attacks about throwing up, you likely just have emetophobia ..
#divaposting#sorry for yapping but as you can imagine i’m very defensive about this topic#in general i don’t really support self diagnosing because a lot of times nowadays people want disorders to seem cool or mysterious#<- exhibit a those people that fake autism adhd ect on tiktok#or the wonderland system 💀💀 WHO REMEMBERS#hi i’m bunny!#ahh system
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Evil system blog information
We're a DID system of (fluctuating) 15-20 alters. We're white british, AFAB and bodily 17.
Simply plural: evilsystemm
Diagnosed with:
Autism spectrum disorder
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
Sensory processing disorder
Oppositional defiance disorder
Major depressive disorder
Situational mutism
Self diagnosed:
Borderline personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder
Questioning bipolar 1, reluctant to say we have it
traits of other PDs
We will not be obligated to explain our self diagnoses to anyone.
Basic details on relevant alters
some may make their own introduction posts
[🌃] Liam | He/Him (#🌃)
[🎭] Vires | He/They (#🎭)
[💎] Luci | She/He (#💎🎩)
[🖇] Dazai | He/They (#🖇)
[🌈] Rumi | They/Bun/Zom (#🌈)
General beliefs, alignments I guess
We are collectively anti-capitalist and most of us identify as Marxist and/or communist.
We're pro palestine, those who aren't are fine to interact as long as you DO NOT spread zionist ideology here.
We have differing opinions on endogenic systems depending on the alter, but most of us wish to see endogenic systems have their own space away from traumagenic systems whether they exist or not. If you identify as endogenic you are welcome to interact with us as long as you're respectful. We will ensure that alters who may be disrespectful towards you are not enacting this.
We're pro neo and xeno pronouns and some of us use them ourselves.
Anti comshipper but respectful and sympathetic towards underage comshippers. Avoid interacting if you're a comshipper as it's incredibly triggering for some of us. (Guys stop having " anti proship DNI " in your bio and then following and interacting with me. I AM ANTI PROSHIP leave me alone)
Anti radqueer and transID. Those of you who reblog my posts without actually having the disorders or traits of the disorders will be blocked, I don't appreciate my thoughts being used to uplift such things.
Generally dissaproving of nihilists, antinatalists and eco fascists HOWEVER I cannot speak for the entire system as some of us probably identify with those labels, and im understanding that those beliefs often result from trauma. Free to interact if you're in those categories but be aware your ideas may be subject to scrutiny.
If you romanticise or sexualise BPD, DNI!!
Narc abuse believers, you're welcome to interact but I will be making an effort to change your minds and if you upset any of our alters you will be blocked.
We don't believe singular alters can have PDs that the rest of the system does not, if you believe that, feel free to interact but I will be judging you. /hj /lh
Other cluster Bs please interact!!!! We have a special interest in PDs and would love to get to know the disorders better (esp. ASPD and HPD). Plus, we ruined all our relationships during a potential? manic episode so friends would be super cool.
there's probably more but I can't think of anything at current
Interests, fandoms
Most of the system has a special interest in fall out boy (the band) and can name almost every song, album etc. in chronological order (i'll take any excuse to brag about this).
As previously mentioned, special interest in personality disorders.
We take A level sociology which ties in really nicely with our politics special interest so we talk about that quite often. (got kicked out of college nvm but point still stands)
We write essays from time to time about things we enjoy and/or feel strongly about.
Cel is " normal " about neon genesis evangelion (she is not).
Rumi likes Doctor Who.
Liam is a passive (feral. obsessed. insane.) enjoyer of Alice in Borderland, both the manga and the show.
Pixel likes My little pony and My chemical romance (best not to question it).
We have a special interest in typology (enneagram, MBTI, instinct stacking) with pixel being the most interested in it but knowledge spans across the system.
I think that's almost everything covered, I'll update this in future if I think of anything else. This was written by Liam.
#actually npd#npd safe#did system#npd#cluster b#fob#traumagenic system#system stuff#plural system#plurality#actually bpd#bpd#actually narcissistic#fall out boy#alice in borderland#hpd safe#aspd safe#🌃#🎭#💎🎩#🌈#🩷#🖇️#💙#🎉
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I'm in the car and I'm bored en
SO HERES A LIST OF MY MEDICAL ISSUES IVE HAD THROUGHOUT LIFE 😃
Vaugly related to my fanfic
Tetrology of Fallot (tof): congenital (born with it) heart defect that is basically 4 defects in 1 (I do not have the energy to look up or type all those scientific words rn so sorry)
I've had 3 open heart surgeries to fix it o e at 8 days 10 months and 5 years
Died 6 times on the second one 😃
Ngl life isn't too different with it
If you don't count the yearly doctor visits and can't play contact sports
I mean there's more to it that that obviously but it's mainly small things like getting out of breath quicker and I bruise easy because of having to take baby asprin
BUT the doctors ORIGINALLY said I was never gonna be able to walk or talk or do anything for myself
God vetoed that decision 😌
NOW I NEVER SHUT UP 😁
Got a nifty battle scar down my chest as a souvenir ☺️
And I used to be called smurf baby cause I turned blue alot
I make jokes about it now (hush I'm allowed to )
Ngl pretty sure I'm short cause failure to thrive as a baby cause of that 😭
Don't think there's any scientific backing on that tho for tof patients
Imperferated anus + colostomy bag: basically means I was born without a butthole
Not even joking on that i wasnt
But had to have three gastrointestinal surgeries from that
Don't know the ages or many details but I'm pretty sure I was two for the last one
And I had to have a colostomy bag
Thankfully don't remember it
Buy my waste went into a bag that had to be changed out
Ik it got infected so the scar is bugger than it should be
Seizures: if you've read my fanfic that's explained in detail for how it feels
But that was from aged 5-10
We never found the specific reasons for it
But we do hypothesize it has something tk do with possible scar tissue on my brain
Either from a heart attack/stroke/lack of oxygen from my second heart surgery is what we think it could be from
During a seizure my heart would start beating weird (not good description ik but idk how to describe it really) and my vision would start to tunnel out my tongue would tingle and then I'd black out
During a seizure I couldn't hear anything or see anything but my head would completely start to tingle
From my parents I was told during them I would stiffen up and lock my joints and almost seem to hyperventilate
It was control moderately well by medicine but I thankfully do not have them anymore
Hard hearing: im not like deaf or anything nor do I use hearing aids but my hearing isn't what it should be for a normal teenager lol
This is because during one of my heart surgeries they gave me a drug used on horses and a little too much if it at that (ketamine?)
Legally blind: yeah come to find out last year found out my eye sight is actual crap
Without my glasses I am legally blind
I've got 20/200 vision 😭
So I've got these crazy thick glasses now
Tourretts: neurological disorder where I make these random noises and movents
Got diagnosed back in sixth grade
My tics ate ill make various sounding noises (all kinda of variations of a hiccup for visualization) and my head will jerk back
It was awful before we found out what it was
Got picked on for it quite a bit and a certain teacher of mine essentially told me "just stop bro lol" and I'd get sent out of class for it even after we had doctor notes for it
Just get up out of that wheel chair then then buddy ☺️
They'd get set off my certain things
Music being one of them so I would carry around these earbuds when there was music around so it didn't get set off
I'm on medicine now for it and it's a LOT better
And a recent development (in the past 6 months) I've been able to listen to music again!
The tourretts aren't going away tho
If over been without medicine for more than 2 days it's BAD
Ovarian cyst (possible pcos?) : this has happened over this summer so you already got some rants on that lol
Buy I've got an 8cm cyst on my left ovary
Hurts like a beach 😃
In fact this Friday I was holed up in my room hyped up on narcotics cause of it
Fun stuff 🙂
Surgery is supposed to be on October 5th so we'll see how that goes
Yeah so medical history of mine 😃
That's fine
We'll see what comes next to the collection I can add
Also here's some pics of a couple of my scars (that I can show several are in places I'm not keen of people seeing 😅)
That's my colostomy scar
And near the top you can see a scar from a chest tube from my third heart surgery
And here's a really good picture of my heart surgery scar that I have (goes down to under the ribcage)
On my neck you can see a breathing tube scar
At least I think that's what it is
Also the corner of my lip I have a scar from some sort of tube from surgery (can't see it well on camera
Tbh idk what half these tiny scars are from
I just know they're remnants of surgery
Any way I do know kw I have a couple of other chest tube scars
But they are not in places to be shown
Same with a few dimples near my tail bone from gastrointestinal surgery
But those are there too
#heart surgery#tetrology of fallot#chd#tourrettes#seizures#tof#colostomy#ostomy#scars#i love them so much ☺️
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hi wanders in id love to hear more about band dusts lore if u have anything to share!!
oh my god oh my god, i love you 'if i have any to share' DUDE - this man has enough lore to fill an entire book, so much so that i genuinely forget hes a character and not an actual person.
so, im not gonna give you ALL the lore, cus, like i said, i have his stuff in my head down to the tiniest detail, and it would be like telling someone your entire life story - SO, ill give you a generalisation of his childhood!
TW in description!
Dustin Sal-in Calvateyla, or 칼바테일라, 더스틴 살인, was born intersex on February 10th 2000, to Ae-Cha Calvateyla, nee Yoon, and Joshua Calvateyla. Ae-Cha was born in Incheon, to a small family, while Joshua was born in Missouri. they met when Joshua travelled to Korea to take photos, as a photographer, and met Ae-Cha under a dogwood tree, took photos of her, and they eventually got talking.
Ae-Cha wore the pants n the relationship, confidant, bossy, she knew what she wanted and how to get it, while Joshua was more reserved, sweet but timid. the kind of guy you cant help but like.
One of Dusts earliest memories is of his dad taking him to the park, something they did regularly, to take photos with him - he had this beautiful old film camera that Dust was fascinated by, and afterwards theyd get ice cream. Dust used to always beg his dad to take photos of him too, like his model. which is funny, because nowadays, he runs from the paparazzi.
Ae-Cha and Joshua moved to the sates and got married, moving to California, and it was clear from the get go that Ae-Cha was going to be running the house. she ran a very korean themed home, from the language spoken, to the style of decoration, to the food eaten, everything was korean. So, when Dust was born, he grew up in a very korean environment, despite living in the states.
Dust was actually born in korea, because Ae-Cha booked a vacation back to her home country while heavily pregnant, and gave birth there - (she didnt want to pay the overly expensive american healthcare money, so, she cheated the system) - and they stayed there for about a month with tiny Dust.
Life was fairly formal for a few years - until along came baby Ash, Dusts little brother, when Dust was 4. he took to his brother well, and promised to love him with his whole heart.
Joshuas favourite colour was always blue, while Ae-Chas was red, and so, when Ash was born and came out with a shock of red hair, they decided to dye Dusts hair this bright blue colour - an odd choice, but something that happened. at this point, Dust had NEVER had a haircut, and so his hair was LONG, and bright blue after they dye job.
Ae-Cha was diagnosed as schizophrenic when she was 16, something she never really spoke to her family about, but that her husband was aware of. its the fact that she constantly refused help and therapy that was the issue.
She started going downhill when Dust has turned 5, Ash barely a year old, started not taking her medication, refusing any kind of help, including from her husband, and was incredibly angry all the time. she got fired from her business job for being disruptive and not doing her work on time, which only pushed her further.
One day, as Dust was playing in the kitchen, he hears his omma start screaming at his dad, who was baking some cupcakes at the time, and, with his tiny 5 year old brain, thought the smartest thing to do with all the noise going on, was hide in the cupboard, so, he went in with his little bunny toy, and peered out to watch his parents.
all he really remembers nowadays is a lot of shouting, a gun being waved, 2 quick shots and his dad falling to the floor, followed by his ommas scream, and then one more shot, as she fell down too. He remembers going over to them, staining his feet with blood, as he tried to wake them up, but they didnt, and he started feeling like something was wrong, so, in his panic, he scoops up his tiny brother from his cradle in the living room, and runs out the backdoor, and never looks back.
I.. have WAY more to the story that here, i was even expecting to write more, but i just realised how LONG this is, so, ill shut up now, but if you or anyone else wants me to continue, PLEASE DO SEND ASKS, i LOVE getting asks about my characters, but especially the band au, cus i have SO MUCH on it that i havent mentioned at all!
#tw mental health issues#tw murder#tw suicide#tw blood#tw violence#tw childhood trauma#undertale au#undertale#dust sans#dusttale#dusttale sans#ash is papyrus btw!#dust!sans#murder sans#murder!sans#human au#human dust#band its#band au#band dust#lore stuff#<3
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Hi dad,
Today I had a panic attack.
I was overwhelmed, because my mom so sick, my migraines and dizziness and other stuff have been getting worse, algebra 2 is overwhelming sometimes, and I just feel drained because of it.
I didn’t lash out or anything, but I kinda just cried quietly and tried to eat dinner. I ate half of it, which was hard, but I threw the rest away.
I wanted to sh so bad, and the urges have been getting worse.
I’ve been finding new coping mechanisms, so that’s good, and they’ve been working.
I was able to lock myself in the bathroom and calm down, but I kinda just feel drained and somehow still anxious from it. I don’t know what to do. I have an awesome mom and older sister I can talk to, but it’s really hard to talk about stuff sometimes, and I really don’t want to bother anyone. I’m in therapy and on meds, but it’s just so hard sometimes, and everything just feels like to much sometimes. And I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my stimming is fakes. Like my interests are fake. Like my emotions are fake. Like my whole sense of self is fake. And like, I know it’s not true. I know I am autistic (diagnosed when I was 8), I know I’m passionate about infectious pathology, I know I feel stuff, I know I’m a guy, and that living as a girl was hell for me, but my emotions always feel fake and distant and numb, and I always doubt myself. I need to cry a lot, like breakdown and sob and scream, but I can’t, and it just feels so frustrating.
And I’ve just been having so many memories come up from my childhood, and it just makes me so sad.
I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my cousin (who helped me through a lot, and was my best friend during tough situations. I haven’t seen her in 5 years), and I just miss her so much. It made me so sad and happy at the same time, and I just wish I could see her again.
I miss my older brother (I haven’t seen him in 5 years either), and I just want to make sure he’s ok, and give him a hug.
I keep getting random memories of an old neighbor we used to live by, who was so seeet and kind. We trusted him a lot, and played in his backyard and porch area frequently. He always had those little popsicles that are in the plastic tube thingy, and he always gave me the blue ones cause he knew they were my favorite. And though we haven’t seen him in years (we moved a lot), I miss him, and hope he’s doing ok.
I always want to help out more, and feel like I’m not doing enough. I just want to be more useful and see people smile. I like being helpful, and it hurts when I can’t do something on my own.
I feel stupid and lazy all the time. I suck at math, and can’t focus. It’s just so hard to focus, and my brain has been fogging more often in the past few years, and I just want to do something right for once.
I don’t know how to tell my mom about this, but I know that I really need to, because I don’t want to relapse again, and I don’t want to scare anyone.
Do you have any advice?
Also, I hope this ask finds you well.
Please make sure to drink some water, eat something, shower/bathe, and get some rest
Thanks for reading this :)
Hey kiddo! That sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself bud. Im so proud of you for resisting the urge to self harm. I know personally how hard that is but I'm so proud of you. No matter how fake it feels, it isn't. It sounds to me like you're invalidating your own feelings there bud. However you're feeling is true. You aren't stupid or lazy, you have so much going on right now and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Life is crazy and loud and a whirlwind and calm and warm and painful- it's so many things, it's natural to be overwhelmed by it sometimes. I would really really recommend talking to someone if you feel like you're gonna self harm. It isn't a burden to them, they care about you as much as you care about them.
- dad x
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How do you start gender hoarding? I know that it might sound like a stupid question, but you see, I live in a place where trans people and nbs are looked down upon but lesbians and gays are ok. (rural Australia)
I felt weird coming out to my bf as a demigirl( I am AFAB) and he knows I’m a furry, but doesn’t know about my alter humanity (questioning therian)
So my view of gender is very “traditional” and where I live there’s only really female, male, trans and (very rare) nonbinary. I also have highly suspected autism/ self diagnosed yet I don’t see gender in a way I hear people with autism do, probably due to my upbringing
I want to know from a person like you who knows the “newer” ways of gender how I should gender hoard and not stick myself to just the traditional genders
its not a stupid question at all!! ill do my best to answer! so i identify as agender transmasc. agender goes under the trans umbrella and nonbinary, but i dont see myself as gender neutral i just have no gender. now going more into the transmasc, just means i feel more masculine. doesnt really effect the way i present my gender any differently, hmm i guess i dont really know how to explain it. i dont understand the concept of gender, i dont understand a lot of social constructs, i honestly think its sort of unneeded. my gender is complex in the most noncomplex way, its vast and its tiny. ive made my own genders based off of feelings and intrests, i think thats the best way to get started with genderhoarding. making your own ideas, analyzing yourself. (personally its helped me become more aware of who i am!) imaginationnnnn!! creativity!! make something up, no ones stopping you! the way i view gender is its what makes you, you. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone but you. it doesnt have to make sense! some of the things i tie in with my gender are the rustling of leaves in a forest, fog in the early morning, large fields, chaotic music, soft stuffed animals, the smell of pavement after it rains, soft piano music, acoustic guitar, the moon some of those things are real different!! and those are some of the things that i view my gender as! i think its a lot easier too with the internet, theres a ton of people who have similar ideas and interests so they also make genders, sexualities, and flags to go along with them.
i have a board on pinterest that i frequently add stuff to, i could link it here if you would like! i also save just anynthing that pops up if it remindes me of my friends or it seems cool. it doesnt mean i identify with it, but its cool to read about them! i keep track of them in a notebook as well!! my genders relate to my hyperfixations, mostly. Hyperfixations and anything that i can relate too! ex. horrormasc: a masculine aligned horrorgender. fits both definitions (1: a horrifying/all over the place gender, and 2: a gender related to different horror genres) raingender: a xenogender connected to the rain scenekid/scene neutral, oldwebemoic, onlineboyic, endspacic etc, etc. dont feel rushed at all to tell your boyfriend! when i started feeling more comfortable telling people, i made sure to have articals pulled up to read, notes etc. so it would be easier to sort me thoughts? get it out more smoothly. i also wanted to talk about self-diagnosing!! i hear so much negative about it, but honestly, its good to research and try and find out things about yourself. that my opinion. and not for longterm, just for a bit until you can get evaluated. gahhhhh self diagnosing is valid and it makes me so mad to see people who think its not. granted, some people to just see a couple things and "oh yup got that" but when you really spend time looking at signs, symptoms, traits it can be very beneficial in the long run, and also just to check before you go get evaluated also i apologize if this is insanely long, or if it makes no sense. im sleep deprived, im trying to fall asleep gahh i hope this helped even a little bit!! if you want me to expand on anything or explain anything further feel free to dm me!
#otherkin#therian#alterhuman#therianthropy#wolf therian#canine therian#canine kin#dog theriotype#otherkin community#dog otherkin#gender hoard#xenogender safe#xenos#xenogender#xeno coining#mogai#mogai coining#mogai safe#neopronouns#neos
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work rant so i don’t go insane
alright so for context im a software dev at a company that offers a web application to online store owners that helps automate some stuff among other features. nothing essential just sort of helpful. our founder sold almost all his shares to some fucking investment group that now keeps buying more companies that thematically work with ours to turn this into some big thing they can make even more money with. so i think u kinda get the idea why i fundamentally do not care about this company or the work we do or find it worthwhile. if this company disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. ppl would be mildly inconvenienced for a short adjustment period and then it’d be as if the application never existed. also worth noting that there’s no office, we all work from home, it’s mostly flexible hours and a 30hr work week at full pay so u can also understand why I didn’t just quit at the first sign of unsatisfaction.
another thing for context is that i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, autism that is only diagnosed unofficially by my psychiatrist/therapist, some sort of problem focusing (not sure if it’s adhd or connected to other health things who knows with this body) and just one physical health issue after another. which means my energy levels are usually at like 50% at most.
now my lack of motivation to spend what little energy i have all on work instead of my actual life, how often i spontaneously get sick and my procrastination due to trouble focusing sometimes leads to me not finishing things on time or handing in half-assed results.
it’s been like this for over a year now but until today no one said anything. and the call today was mostly triggered by two projects i handed over to my supervisor in a half-assed state bc I didn’t get them done well in time before my vacation. but instead of telling me personally and outright he set up this call with him and our team lead. my team lead kept saying how i don’t have any „drive“ (ur right I don’t!) and how it’s on me to communicate faster if im gonna miss a deadline and need help and to find the motivation to „hand in the best possible work I can“ and to stay on top of all technology news that concern our team and make sure my knowledge is up to par.
now the thing is. they’re not really wrong in what they’re saying it’s just that there’s nothing that will ever make me care about this work or motivate me to do it. i will never want to use what little energy i have on work instead of my personal life. i will never be able to comfortably communicate with anyone there. i don’t care how often they say i can say whatever i want to without getting in trouble, i will always still worry about getting in trouble or others thinking im stupid and lazy. i will never care about any of these technology topics or be excited to do this ultimately meaningless job.
but i don’t know how to explain my health issues to them if barely any of it is properly diagnosed. so i don’t know how to make them understand that i can’t give it 100%. this call today was already hell bc I could barely speak full sentences for fear of breaking into sobs and then not being able to stop. i always start crying when i have to talk about my health bc it’s a scary and sensitive topic for me.
i want to quit more than anything. but i have this fundamental issue with all software dev jobs. it is so ultimately meaningless. im not giving back anything worthwhile to other people. if anything it fuels climate change. i would love to get back into biology but lab jobs do not exist here. at all. i don’t have it in me to get another degree. i don’t think my body can handle an exhausting 40hr shift job and doing part time would mean i make so little money that i won’t be able to move out and i really can’t live with my parents much longer without losing my mind. so now im just. stuck. and i feel like if i quit without anything new lined up i will end up in a hole I’ll never get out of. i don’t know what to do.
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