#im so tired just from typing that. no one is obligated to try and understand it oh my god.

[istherewifiinhell]

I have like three diff pieces of paper with turtles time fuckery on it and its very enriching but not quite. As nicely diagramable. Really sad cause im trying to figure out if it did sim. Simletain. Uh. Things at the same time circumstances. The hs words. You know em.

[boyprincessarchives]

i hate being selectively mute so bad! i just wish i could be like everyone else and just speak. why is it so hard for my brain to translate my thoughts into coherent sounds. i freeze up and sometimes my mind just goes blank, like the connection from my brain to my mouth disappears. i open my mouth and no sounds come out, i have so much to say i promise!!

i wish i could call with my friends more than i do, but i just really sit in the call muted, and text my replies in the chat. sometimes people need verbal communication, they need to hear it, but i cant accommodate them. i’d like to tell my friend that was a funny joke, i’d like to comfort my friend while they vent to me on calls, but my hand can only hover over the unmute button, let alone actually speak. and usually it’s fine, my friends are quite understanding, but sometimes i feel bad. speaking is a more instant communication, and writing, drawing, typing, takes a bit more time. then the person has to pause what they’re doing to read it. it’s not that bad of a hinderance, but i hate being an inconvenience.

and the worst part is i think my voice is all messed up from not speaking. my voice is all extra high, its hard to raise my own voice or change pitch sometimes… my throat gets all tired if i speak too many words that day.

my professors think im stupid, they think im not paying attention. the amount of times a teacher has spoken the words of “see? you have so much potential, you just have to use it,” throughout my entire educational career actually pains me. my family members will frown, “oh, you dont want to talk again?” and will begrudgingly oblige to my needs, but i know they're annoyed, i know they hate it.

and sometimes, i just wish i never had a voice at all. i wish i was born without vocal cords or something, so that no one would ever have to ask me to at least try and speak. but i know that would only hurt me more. im a very expressive person, and even on days where i speak, i use lots of sounds and hums to respond.

[spencerkellyv]

may i request a fluff with will byers x male reader ?

i feel like will would be a little spoon type of guy, like definitely. reader would be comforting will after he had a nightmare and is playing with his hair a bit to soothe him. will would apologize for being so needy all the time but the reader wouldn’t mind at all, saying how much he appreciates how will can come to him for help when he needs it !

sorry if im rambling. i love willlll <3

You are so right about Will being a little spoon. And feel free to ramble!!! It just gives me more ideas.

Anyway hope you enjoy <333

It was 2:17 in the morning and normally you wouldn’t be up at this time. But you had an obligation to attend to. That obligation was Will Byers.

Will was your boyfriend of now 10 months and Joyce knew she couldn’t keep you away so she started allowing sleepovers.

This has spurred Will into finally explaining to you what had happened to him as a child. Before he said he couldn’t tell you due to government reasons. You accepted this easily. However when he explained it to you, it became clear why you couldn’t know. Everything from the Upside Down to the Demogorgon. It was an insane situation. But you just listened. Even if you didn’t understand, you promised Will you’d be there for him.

The reason he chose to explain this to you so suddenly wasn’t revealed properly until about thirty minutes ago. You had been woken up by Will thrashing and screaming. As soon as you touched him to try to wake him up his body shot up into a sitting position and his eyes flew open.

You followed sitting up, placing your hand on Will’s back. He took a few minutes to collect himself before turning to face you. He said nothing as he pressed himself into your chest, his arms wrapping around you. You simply held him back, laying the two of you back down.

You were on your right side. One of your arms was resting under your head and the other was in Will’s hair, fidgeting with the short strands. He laid on his left, both of his arms wrapped around your middle, his face still in your chest.

Eventually you moved so that the hand in his hair moved to be on his waist. Will complied with the position changed and turned around. He pressed his back into your chest and your hold around his waist tightened.

“I’m sorry.” You hear his quiet voice say.

“Baby you don’t have to apologize to me.” You immediately respond.

“But I’m so needy all the time and-,” you cut him off by suddenly sitting up. Will turned his head so he could see your face. You took this opportunity to place a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Will if I didn’t want to be here I wouldn’t. But I love you. So I’ll stay here through everything.” You smile softly at him and he smiles back. He turns his head back to it’s starting position and you sink back down. You nuzzle your face into his hair and you begin to him songs you know he likes.

Eventually you feel him fall asleep in your arms and you allow yourself to rest as well. The rest of the night was plagued with no nightmares and even the days that followed were alright. As long as you were with Will, it brought him peace.

Sorry if this one’s a bit short. I’m tired but I wanted to get it done for you. : )

[fonulyn]

Yo Anon, if you write a healthy Metaltango fic please know I would absolutely read the shit out of that! As for what I actually wanted to ask you, the owner of this blog lol, you mentioned you liked Nivannedy most. I am TRYING to hop on this boat but i keep falling off. Could you maybe explain the thought process behind them, too? Give me a push in the right direction :3c? I barely see them interact so im struggling here hhhh

see this, anon? :D when you do write that, please know you've got readers! I'd love to read it too.

honestly I'm always open for recs, in general. don't be afraid to rec your own stuff if you feel like it :3

AND. as for the second part of the ask lol.

haha well, they barely interact, that is true :'D canonically they don't even exchange a single word. so I absolutely understand where you're coming from. but this pairing, for me, isn't about their canonical interactions but it's about their personalities and how i feel that'd be such a good match.

like, by re6, Leon is tired. he is fucking exhausted. everything keeps going wrong, everything keeps going in the same circle, nothing ever changes no matter how many bad guys he puts into the ground. there's always some new asshole peddling with BOWs as soon as he gets rid of the previous one. he still fights. he still goes on. but there's a level of exhaustion to him that he didn't have before.

wherein Piers! he's got the same drive that re2-re4 Leon had! he's all about helping people, making a difference, making the world a better place, destroying the BOWs. he feels so strongly he has a purpose and it is to help make the world brighter. and that is exactly what Leon felt. still feels, deep down, under all the tiredness. like think about Leon in RE2remake, outside Kendo's, saying how he wants to help people? that's the same vigor that Piers has.

(I'm not saying Piers is like identical to young Leon lmao he's so not he's much more hotheaded and hardheaded lol but the drive, man, the passion)

and I think that Piers would remind Leon of why he's fighting. why it's worth it. what it felt like when he was less exhausted and hadn't yet been screwed over a million times. I see this dynamic as something that invigorates Leon, brings him back towards the light, so to speak.

also, there's the fact that Piers is ready to approach people, unafraid to speak his mind, unapologetically himself. wherein Leon has created this sort of a shell around himself that makes him seem withdrawn even as he cares so very deeply. I think Piers would 100% be able to draw Leon from that shell and, you know, help him regain that part of himself he's kept sheltered for so long.

and it's not all about Leon, of course. Leon is the more analytical type instead of the act first think second type. I think Leon would balance out Piers' hot temper so nicely, would help him find ways to center himself so he'd be able to channel that temper better. Leon would be the balancing force wherein Piers would be the driving force.

idek I just think they'd complement each other so well. and I love imagining their dynamic, and how it'd play out.

and, granted, some of it is 100% just my desire to see them both healthy and happy and alive, so I'm definitely channeling that into it as well. i want the two of them happy, and by making them happy together i get two birds with one stone.

but i love this pair so much it's ridiculous ansdfjgnhkjn i know it's a rarepair and that it's got little to no canon to back it up but the endless possibilities!! Piers was recruited in 2010 so he could definitely have known Leon from then on?? the sky is the limit to how many things one can imagine happened :'D

ALSO. the cockpit scene in re6? seriously? Piers has no business looking that worried for someone he barely knows. he's downright panicking. see? canon interaction! sorta lmao let me have this ahah

I'll just shut up now before I write a novel for this. they make me so happy 🥺💖

but hey, anon, no stress :3 you're obviously under absolutely no obligation to like the pair no matter how much poetic i wax about them. i'm so happy to hear you've tried to give them a chance, at least! thank you 💖

[skzluvs]

Phobia; Han jisung

Genre: angst, fluff (if you squint)

Warnings: mention of nightmares

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: Hi! I’m back from my hiatus with another angst fic inspired by the drama it’s okay to not be okay combined with a little bit of phobia I hope you guys like it!

The girl who fed on nightmares

there was a girl who woke up every night by the nightmares, demons that haunted her dreams. She was twisted inside, held back by the painful memories of her past.

panting breath, irregular heartbeat, a cold sweat dripping from her forehand. she opened her eyes to meet with the darkness of her room. Terror washed over her. frightened.

"it's just another nightmare" she said trying to calm down the thoughts that were messing up her already deranged head.

a familiar setup, you might think she grew accustomed to the feeling after the third night but that's was not true the lingering feeling of numbness grew by the time she realized there was no escape from the chains that still cuffed her up.

the morning came earlier, with very few hours of sleep, she got up and got ready for work. the days turned into a monotone.

she arrived to bookstore, pure silence made her mind feel content. A moment of peace in the torrential rain.

"excuse me" a soft voice called her, almost as quiet as a whisper that's being shared between lovers.

she looked up to meet with a boy, with black hair and a mischievous smile, he looked cheerful with an undeniable strong aura that surrounded his slender figure, definitely not the type you would see in a library at 8am in the morning.

"yes" she replied politely to the boy who carried a handful on books on his arms.

"i want to check all of these out please" he placed the books on the counter.

As she took a look at the pile, she got intrigued by the peculiar selection.

children books.

but not the kind that you read to a child unless you want them to have nightmares, and she knew damn well about that.

"you like this gruesome stuff ?" she was never the kind to question other people's interests but for some strange motive she wanted to know.

" it's a children's book how can you call this masterpiece gruesome" the boy seemed rather offended by her words.

" the pictures make me want to cry my eyes out and I'm an adult, there's no way this book was targeted for such audience" she said

" it seems like you know nothing about this books not the author , therefore I won't be engaging in a discussion, you can continue to be ignorant later just let me borrow them so I can go" he said annoyed, taping with his finger on top of the dusty cover.

The girl refused to give out response and rather continued to do her job. she sure didn't get paid enough for that.

"here" she said handing him the books along with the returning slip. "you have 2 weeks to return them unless you want more time come before the deadline to extend the borrowing period"

"thank you" he left not sparing to look at her for the last time before exiting through the door.

the browned eyed boy who just happened to be named han jisung, she found out his name through his library card. Was all she could think about, not because she was interested, but because of the of his actions. Usually she evaded social situations, she found people not worth of her time, but there was something about that boy that made her wanted to crush him like a fragile butterfly with broken wings.

another meaningless night, it was tiring to get emptied out like that. Every time she closed her fears shaped into a reality. she was stuck with the phobia.

days passed by, a body that walks through the streets without a soul. There was nothing she wanted nothing she desired more but to fall asleep. So she lived her life longing for that moment.

going through the bookshelves placing them correctly by alphabetical order. A pair of eyes stuck to the back of her head.

a boy who watched her carefully from the other side of the room, and he probably thought he was being precautious, but she knew she was being observed.

Jisung. Who came everyday just to sit as far back from the main entrance as possible, hiding in a corner reading the books he so much loved. After the first encounter with the girl he could no longer sleep the same way. His thoughts circled around her small frame and the sound of her broken voice.

there was this thing about her, he called it despondency and he was drowned right into it. like the tales had taken over a human form.

by the end of the two weeks he stood there fidgeting, over the course of the last couple of days his little instigating got him nowhere. She repeated a daily routine, there was nothing to analyze in her vague movements and worn out expressions. However he knew she hides more than the human eye can perceive behind that weary facade.

The moment she clocked out he followed her outside.

"why are you following me" the girl stopped her tracks and made a spin over her ankles, just to meet with him.

"I needed to ask you something" He said rather shy. all the courage he build up over the weeks disappearing at the strong gaze that confronted him.

"I'm not obligated to respond, do me a favor and get lost" She turned around and continued to walk.

It was an expected reply exactly what made jisung decide it was better to come up with a different plan.

every day he would put a book of his collection on top of her desk hoping she would get interested enough to read it.

but instead she would just eye the cover and place it back to its shelf.

Not until one day she meet to something different, the book had a folded edge, opening the page carefully, her fingers ghosting over the words printed on the glossy paper.

"bad memories from the past that he wanted to erase from his head"

"were replayed in his dreams every night"

"and haunted him nonstop"

"the boy was terrified of falling asleep"

a creeping feeling went down her spine, and her trembling hands made the book fall. Her own monsters greeted her with a grin. Collapsing with the wooden floor.

jisung got petrified by the loud sound. He hurried his way to find the girl unconscious on the ground. it was all his fault.

a disturbing sound came from her mouth. She woke up in an oddly unfamiliar house. Her body covered by a thin blanket, the walls were closing like the screams that got caught up in her throat.

jisung who was downstairs making dinner ran through the stairs and opened the door alarmed at the high pitched noises.

"Are you okay?" He exclaimed trying to recover his breath.

"what am I doing here? where am i ?" she asked not trying to panic even more. She felt so dizzy the room kept on spinning.

"you're at my house, you passed out at the library" He said scratching the nape of his neck with guiltiness.

"I remember now, this was your deed, you and your stupid nauseating books" by the looks of it she had been gone for a while. Not to mention the longer she was in a slumber the longer the suffering.

"not my fault you got scared by a book for 5 year olds" He said shrugging, with an unprovoked expression.

"And you dared to call me an ignorant" she deadpanned.

"Do you fear anything?" He asked out of the blue.

what is the real meaning behind fear?. Fear is tangible. Is the anxiety, the desperation to run away and hide forever where they can't find you, it means to want to stab your eyes with a safety pin to blind the pain. Is the captivity of oneself.

"You're scared of yourself aren't you?" it no longer sounded like a question but more like an affirmation.

he had figured you out in no time. You couldn't let them see the vulnerable side, not to anyone and most definitely not this stranger.

"You said it yourself you know nothing so leave alone before it's too late" She threatened.

"Anyways I'm sorry for being so persistent, never intended to make you feel uncomfortable, I'll be downstairs if you need me, dinner is ready if you want to come and have something to eat before you leave" He knew it was better not to push it if he wanted answers.

But why was he so desperate to understand the world inside her head ?

Jisung felt the loneliness of her being. He came up to the conclusion that he wanted to be the person who brought the girl back to life.

After some time he grew a step closer to her, not to the point she would stop pushing him away but at least his efforts had made a very insignificant change.

She would let him read the books to her once in a while, she fed into the words, relating to every single one of them. But things were still the same at night, she would break down to the horrifying sight.

"Jisung why are you still here ?" she asked him unable to understand why the boy remained by her side even when she treated him like a piece of trash.

"Because im trapped under your spell" he confessed.

"You’re e going to end up in so much pain" she said looking into his eyes.

"You can't go to heaven before crossing the flames of hell" He responded with certainty. “ and If I have to burn I rather do it while still holding you”

"Would you still like me if you knew the kind of monster I am, not the one you read in books but the kind that hides behind a mask and transforms at night"

" I would still like you if you were the devil himself"

" The devil wont tear your soul apart like I would trust me" She knew she would drive him into despair. But she had warned him multiple times, from here she no longer take accountability, he would meet fear. She would make sure of that.

I'm stuck with the phobia although I want to stay with you I'm scared that you might disappear in between the shadows. How can I hold you when I was made to destroy you.

there was a girl whose world was a pitch black hole and her insides were dark and twisted, and a boy who fell in love with her repulsiveness swore to never leave her, but her darkness overshadowed the fugacious happiness of a spur moment and the voices in her head claimed that she was all alone. but the boy sang to her a lullaby that lulled her into a deep sleep and for the first time in forever there were no painful memories in her dreams.

She was the girl who fed on nightmares. The one he once read about and the one he was now holding on his arms.

[nightklok]

Kiss prompt (if you are still doing them!) Lavonna/Nathan - #75 Kisses Meant To Distract The Other Person From Whatever They Were Intently Doing

76 Kiss Prompts  [Open]

Oh of course, these sort of prompts are always open! :O And I’m sorry for this taking so long, I’m just now getting through to these prompts I owe! And I realize that this may not have filled the prompt but i hope you enjoy it either way!

75. Kisses Meant to Distract the Other Person from Whatever They Were Intently Doing

Lavona placed an ice pack over her head as she looked at the other members standing before her.  They had a look of defeat on their faces as those uninjured tended to the injured. There had been quite a lot of losses from their side and their deaths were sadly in vain as they hadn’t won. It felt selfish to say they had to continue on. Well...the manager seemed to no longer be in the picture so perhaps they could try again. They were running out of ideas, however and the member size was dwindling.

She set the ice pack aside, trying to get the attention of her members, “This has been a day of failure for all but we can’t lose the purpose of our mission, our destiny-“

And then her phone rang and once she checked, she saw that it was a text message: Hey  so I was thinking the other day and ur kinda hot so im fine with 4getting wat happened that day so uh wanna go out?

Followed by another text.

It’s Nathan btw

And another.

From Dethklok

Well, seemed like she had a plan now.

Her triumphant smile easily outshines the worn looks of her members, “looks like we have a good chance of getting him.”

___

The arcade lights of the Dave and Busters were bright, a little too bright for her, but it was what he had picked. Well, it was her fault for saying he could pick whatever he wanted. And that she should’ve listened to that gossip magazine saying Nathan preferred amusement parks/arcades as first dates in a ‘Which Dethklok member should you date?’ quiz. Who knew they were fairly accurate?

Nathan wasn’t wearing his signature black shirt. Well, it was black but it looked more like a polo shirt and he threw on a leather jacket as well. If it weren’t for the fact he was already a tall and intimidating looking guy, he would’ve definitely appeared more nervous than he already must’ve been, “So I hope that this is okay.”

“It’s fine,” She answered as she looked around. There was no one around except for a few klokateers that were near the exits, and in random areas for the room. Most likely the place was bought out for the night for security reasons. She would’ve panicked that it would destroy her plan but it was a plan that didn’t require her members to be put into anymore peril. She glanced around the various arcade games and crane machines, some familiar but others not as it had been years since she last went to one, “What do we do now?”

“Oh uh well, you can pick. We can eat first or play some games, it’s your call.”

“We can play some games,” She answered as she looked around. Surely there must be some game that would let them be alone to be able to take things further? She tried looking but couldn’t find any or didn’t see from her angle. It was a good idea to at least try and play some games, gain his trust and maybe a little flirting here and there wouldn’t hurt. She looked at a crane machine that was full of, ironically, Dethklok themed teddy bears, “I wanna try that one.”

“Oh, crane machines, huh? Nice choice,” Nathan answered. He offered his hand and she took it. Holy shit, his hand was huge and warm and surprisingly soft.

The crane machine was themed around Dethklok unsurprsingly enough. It was with black with blood splatter and an 8 bit version of their songs playing, thankfully not the same song in a loop. A klokateer quickly handed them each a cup full of coins and Nathan inserted a few into the game. The game changed songs and a timer was shown next to the joy stick.

Nathan had given quick instructions on how to effectively strategize. She look around the sides, did mental calculations, and she had the bear in the claw’s grasp only for it to fall completely. She cursed to herself at losing at such a childish game.

“Guess it’s really rigged. I can get a-”

“No, I’ll just try again,” Lavona said quickly. She inserted as many coins as the game would allow her before trying again.

It took about five tries before Lavona realized that Nathan was right; the game was rigged.

Before any of them could even say a word to each other, they both punched through the glass. An alarm quickly sounded from the machine but was quickly shut off from one of the attendants. They picked a bear that wasn’t covered in glass and handed it to each other with a simple ‘thanks’.

Though in all honesty, the sentiment of breaking glass using their bare hands was rather touching. Nathan really didn’t need to do that and probably could’ve had a klokateer smash it for him an attendant un-rig the game. Maybe it was impulse or him trying to make her feel better; but it was the same result of him giving her a bear regardless. It gave a feeling that she hadn’t quite felt in years.

“How about we try some other games?” She asked once klokateers finished bandaging her hands.

“Oh, you still wanna continue? I mean, I understand if you wanna call it a night or something. Sorry about your hand,” Nathan said sheepishly. He took a sip of the cheap beer that was given to them.

“I’ve been through worst dates, Nathan,” She answered, “Besides, it’s been only thirty minutes. There’s still time.”

“Oh yeah, that’s true. Then maybe games that don’t have claw machines?”

“Deal. What other games are there?”

As Nathan began talking about the type of games there are to play, Lavona noticed a klokateer grow limp near the exit and be dragged out. The klokateer, or rather one of her members dressed in their clothes quickly replaced them. The member gave a thumbs up though Lavona tried to tell them to leave. That wasn’t part of the plan!

As Nathan finished talking about one of the arcade games, he noticed that Lavona seemed distracted. Then she noticed that he had stopped talking asked him to continue on talking and he obliged though he did seem a bit wary of what she was looking at.

Suddenly, there was a shout from a klokateer and before Nathan could react, she pulled him down by the shirt collar to kiss him. It was as warm as the first time they kissed among the flames. This time, there was no urgency or even fear or adrenaline. Just a kiss and that was all. Maybe a spark but that was beside the point. She couldn’t just...fall in love with her target-that was completely unethical!

There was silence thankfully though she had a feeling her plan was ruined. And for some reason? She didn’t seem to mind. She took his hand afterwords and they went over to a shooting game.

Aside from whatever the heck happened in the beginning, the date went on without a problem. They played games, won prizes, and ate. There was something she felt when she spent more time with him. It wasn’t the sexual attraction she had always felt with him but rather something more. It felt like being some teenager again and falling in love with the cute guy in math class or something. Felt innocent, almost.

Maybe she could’ve been able to fulfill her plan successfully. After all, Nathan and her relaxed quite a ton thanks to the conversations and beer by the end of the night. But for some reason, she had a feeling that he wasn’t the type to want to go further on a first date and she didn’t mind the delay. 

At the end of the night, when they had only smashed two crane machines and won a ton of prizes, the dethlimo pulled up to Lavona’s house.

“I had a great time. Thank you for asking me out, Nathan,” Lavona smiled at Nathan.

“It’s not really a problem. Thanks for accepting. I had a great time,” Nathan answered with a smile of his own. It was slightly creepy but cute and she liked it.

They kissed and Lavona pulled apart. A klokateer opened the door for her, another bringing out the stuffed animals to carry for her. Once the klokateer dropped off the stuffed animals in her living room couch, they returned and Nathan waved before the limo drove off.

One of the members greeted Lavona though paused when they saw her hand was bandaged, “What happened? Did you get hurt by him?”

“Not at all,” She answered but refused to tell what really happened, “It’s fine, the date went well.”

“So you seduced him?!”

“No, I’m afraid not. It seems like...I’ll have to try again for another date.”

Another member had heard the conversation and went over to them with a sigh, “Nathan seems like the kind of guy who would want to take things slow. It might take weeks, months even! Are you sure this is the most effective plan?”

The idea of getting to spend months with Nathan made her face flush though she tried to downplay her excitement, “Well, whatever is needed for the church, right?”

____

"So did you figure out who she is?” Pickles asked when Nathan went to the living room. The rest of the guys were there as well, watching whatever disturbing horror movie Toki had picked.

“I-uh-yes and no. I know who she is but not what she’s doing exactly,” Nathan answered.

“I knew you couldn’t do it! We shoulda had me ask her on a date!” Murderface said.

“Looks at yous. I thinks she’d justs dies of embarrassments if yous dids.” Skwisgaar didn’t hide his disgust at all.

“Look, I have a plan for this. And it’s just gonna take a while, okay?”

“How longs?” Toki asked suspiciously.

“Uhh..a week...maybe a few months?”

“Are you sure just...asking her is not an option? To save us the time?” Pickles asked.

“Uh, no. Has to totally be my plan. If we wanna figure out what really happened that night, my plan is the only option if we wanna actually..y’know, live.. Anyway, gonna go to bed I’m tired. Good night,” Nathan quickly left before the others could object.

He could ask. He knew that. She would most likely tell him everything. But his mind went back to that kiss and the fun time he had with her. Besides, if she enjoyed destroying crane machines as much as him, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to delay the plan as much as possible.

Before he went to bed, he went to his phone to send only one text to Lavona.

Had fun 2nite. Wanna go out again?

[burnedbyshoto]

Writers Block

pairing: todoroki shouto x reader

warning: upsetti-spaghetti, fluff

word count: 1,454

a/n: so, I wrote this last night as something super self-indulgent. I had a second thought as to whether I should upload this, but I think this is something that all of us writers experience at one point. writers block. since october i’ve been heavy in writers block and entailed in this story below is every frustration I have, every annoyance I have. it’s hard and its frustrating. I wish that it wasn’t something that is as common as it is, and I want to get over this writers block because I love writing. im getting there I know it, just not quite there. thank you for reading this, and hope you enjoy. this is also for any and all people experiencing some sort of block.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

You stared at the blank screen in front of you.

Your fingers hesitated above the worn keys as you contemplated what to write next. What should it be? Who should it be about? Why were you writing this?

Why were you writing?

The screen fades into subtle darkness as you’re unable to think of anything, and your frustration rises as you slap your hands against your face. Why couldn’t you write? Were you out of inspiration? Was this a writer’s block that seemed to weigh on you for months now? Are you writing because you loved it or because you wanted the recognition?

Countless unfinished drafts sat in your documents, untouched prompts swam in your head, and yet whenever you sat in front of your computer ready to work, your creativity diminished. You had no inspiration and every word you thought about leaving you questioning if what you were doing was correct.

Writing was among the hardest things you’ve ever done. It was your saving grace and it was your downfall.

Were you writing for you or for them?

“You know, you don’t look okay, love,” a voice whispers in your ear.

Your body is tense with suppressed annoyance, suppressed anger, and bitterness. The tension in your jaw comes undone and the pounding headache eases, but as you move to speak you realize how thick with emotion your throat is. So, you stare at your boyfriend who stands behind the chair you sit in. His fingers resting on your shoulders as you lean back onto him.

“I’m just trying to write,” you murmur as you stare at the blinking line of the cursor. You need to write something— anything really. Yet you couldn’t think of a single word to write.

Everything seemed too cliche when you tried to write and you were sick of it.

“Why do you write?” Shouto asks as he gently massages your terse shoulders.

A sigh escapes your lips as he works out stiff knots in your skin and you shudder as his hand warms up pleasantly around your spine.

“I don’t know,” you groan as he works out another knot.

“Don’t you like writing?”

“I guess,” your eyes fall as tears prick the back of your eyes.

Why would you say that? You loved to write, it was calming and therapeutic. It was an escape from reality and it was something that gave you joy to see others appreciate as well. Right now it seemed that you couldn’t remember your excitement. It seemed you could only focus on the nonsensical reasons for your turn off to writing.

“Then why do you continue?” Shouto continues to prod as you moan softly against his touch. “If you don’t like something, why do you keep forcing yourself to do it?”

“I-I don’t know,” you barely manage to speak as embarrassment and sadness fill your being. No one would care that much if you left after all. Sure, maybe one or two would be sad and express that fact, but they’d move on. They would manage. “...it’s an obligation.”

“You write for random people on the internet who have infatuations with an anime character,” Shouto chuckles as he gets you to stand and sits down, pulling you back onto his lap. You’re silent as you curl into his chest, your arms wrapping around his neck. Your cheek lays against the soft material of the sweater and you can only hear his steadily beating heart. It’s quicker than normal, but again, his heart rate was always much higher when you were around. “While I’m not sure if I regret making you watch the anime with me, you’re certainly not obligated to write for them. You are busy with other things, you are busy living your own life. They can and have to understand that your life comes before them.”

His hand strokes your back as tears silently fall down your face, “It’s n-not that, Shouto.” He nudges you softly with his nose and you give a wet snort as you sigh. “It’s just… I don’t feel competent anymore. Everything I write is out of place, nothing I write seems to gain any attention, and it’s disheartening. I hate feeling this way— I hate feeling like I’m ungrateful for what I have, but that’s how I feel.”

“What’s wrong with feeling that way?”

“People have it worse than I do! My achievements aren’t entirely normal so how can I complain when people don’t have it the same?!”

Shouto’s lips pursed at your exclamation, his eyes searching your tear-soaked gaze intently as he tries to figure it out. Your eyes flutter closed when he presses a soft kiss to your chapped lips, a soft sob shoving out from your mouth as you pull away, your head shaking.

His fingers, however, move to your face, gripping your tear-stained skin as he forces you to look at him. “There was this annoying, wise, and beautiful woman who told me that your griefs are valid, no matter how much more significant the pain is. Y/n, you’re in a slump right now, you’re not feeling okay! It doesn’t matter if you have one follower or one million, your feelings are valid. If you want to be upset, be upset! There’s always something upsetting when you go out of your way for things and they do not have the recognition you want from it.”

“That was a ‘this rule doesn’t apply to me’ rule,” you weakly giggle as he buries his nose into the crook of your neck. “But I know that, yet every time I feel upset I remember that people struggle constantly, and I can’t do anything about them. I’m lucky to have what I do, so my problems are just so… so dumb!”

“It’s okay,” Shouto promises as he rubs circles into your back, but you’re not done yet.

“And I’m in this fucking slump! I’m exhausted from writing! I put in so much effort into everything I do, and everyone expects that I don’t! I’m fucking sick and tired of people not liking my things, I’m tired of people not fucking sharing my shitty writings, I’m tired of seeing a lack of goddamn comments. I want more but no one seems to want to give it to me?! Am I that fucking horrible that no one wants to uphold those standards to me? Am I just some shitty-ass charity winner in the author category?! I want to be more but I’m not good enough and I’m just so tired!”

You’re sobbing into Shouto’s shoulder as this wave of pressure releases from you, and you shrink against him further as you feel light again.

“Then I’ll support you,” Shouto whispers after some time. “I love your writings, and I’ll do more to make sure that you’re seeing that I love it too. But how do we get you out of this slump?”

You sniffle in gratitude and embarrassment as you slam a hand against his chest.

“I’ll cry if you do that…”

“It’s a good thing I have so many tissues then.”

“I think… I just need to sit down and write,” you mumble, addressing the slump part of your questionnaire. “I just need encouragement.”

“Well,” Shouto chuckles as he shifts you around so that you can face your laptop on the table. “I think I can handle the encouragement, you handle the amazing writing.”

Your fingers fall onto the weathered keyboard and key by key you type. This is a piece for you, a piece to make you feel like you can write again. Writing is your domain and it’s something you were destined to do, or else why did you start to begin with?

The world went silent as the story flowed mindlessly from your head to your fingers, and Shouto’s calming whispers and touches only fueled you on as one sentence became a paragraph. One paragraph became a page. One page turned to many and soon enough you had typed your last word.

Everything felt like it was frozen in time as you realized what you had managed, and tears welled back into your eyes as Shouto hugged you in pride and excitement.

You did it.

Maybe you weren’t out of this slump right now, but you managed to get something done. That was more than what you had expected of yourself and you screamed in delight as Shouto picked you up and spun you in his arms.

Delighted giggles escaped your lips as he peppered kisses against your face, words of encouragement heavy on his lips as he kisses you again and again. It wasn’t until you had started crying again did he stop.

“...Shouto?”

“Hm?”

“I l-love you.”

“... I love you more.”

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

message to be apart of my taglist

[oh-theatre]

Just A Remnant Now

A/n: lmao this is so bad im so sorry,,, lmaooo ITS SO BAD

TW: Death, spirit, spit, farting, destroy, pain, graphic descriptions, ANGST, no happy ending

“Im sorry Remus I cant talk to you right now, its been months and I cant figure out where this spirit energy is coming from” Logan huffs. “Tomorrow is my presentation and if i have nothing to show for it my entire funding, this project crumbles” He rambles. Remus follows him, his feet carry a sweet lightness as he listens.

“What will they do with the spirit or ghost?” Remus questions, sitting on one of the cold benches focusing hard as he fiddles with something in his hand. A cold breeze as Logan snatches the tool away from him. “Hmph” Remus pouts

“My guess? Ill get a whole team of scientists! A whole new lab with facilities and so much more! And ill tear it apart and study every aspect” Logan beams, the glint in his eye sickened Remus.

“So you'll kill it?” Remus scoffs “Seems kinda brutal”

“No ill just...take it apart to...examine its..origins and what it can do and...its a ghost what does it matter Remus?” Logan inquires, typing viciously away at his keyboard. 

“They still have feelings, their sensories are there!” Remus argues, feeling his face flush. “The way you plan to tear them apart is inhumane! Its against their will Logan, they are still forms of living. 

“They are, in every sense of the word, not Remus. They are dead, figments of what used to be. They cant feel pain, or emotion, they are a remnant” Logan explains

“They are more than that! Lo you're not listening!” Remus stands now, Logan could be intimidating but Remus towered over the scientist. 

“Im not listening because you don't know what youre talking about”  Logans cold glare would pierce anyone but not Remus. “You're just my engineer.” He spits

Though i wish we could be more, both think in unison through their frustration.

 “They have the memories of their old life, they have feelings, they have feelings of the world they must traverse through now as a spirit. They develop feelings, emotions, memories and more. They travel through to the middle ground between living and dead. If they accept it, they move on but some choose to stay!” Remus finishes, his breath cold as it spits on Logan. “Some don't have a choice! Some are tethered! But they aren't just ghosts Logan. They live in the now, through whatever means. Tearing them apart with my molecular design would kill them, and every ounce of pain felt would hurt just as much as it would to you.” Remus finishes, his body shakes, he tries his best to keep solid to the ground. 

“You've developed emotions for these things” Logan rolls his eyes. His judgment was not missed. “And if im not mistake, its your device Remus” Logan reminds

“You're right...it is” He turns to where the device sits immaculate, his design perfect. Such as the mad genius he was. He took his work in his hands, feeling every ounce of metal and wiring that was in it. Then, in the flash of an eye, the machine crashed. It fell to the ground with the force of anger, Logans shock and frozen state was unmissable as the pieces clattered around the ground. 

“What have you done” He whispers viciously. Remus stands triumphant feeling the pain inside. 

“What I should have done as soon as I made it” Remus sighs.

“Why do you care so deeply for these things! You have no idea what they are or what they do!” Logan yells, his voice echoes through the lab.

“For how smart you are.. youre so fucking dumb Logan!” Remus argues back. “For months the same spiritual energy has been popping up on your monitor! You couldn't put two and two together?” He smirks. “You really think after your failed convention last year they would send you an engineer?” 

“What are you saying” Logan breathes

“You're so dumb Logan!” Remus swipes an angered hand across the table, tools crash to the ground. 

“Stop calling me that” Remus’s accusations had cut deep.

“You call me that at least once every hour!”  The continue arguing, it hurts each of them more than can be described. Each new insult is a breach to the relationship they had built up over the past year.  Finally Remus couldn't keep it in anymore. “Im the spirit Logan!” 

the silence that fell through the lab was piercing. 

“I didn't want to move on because fuck closure, so i found you. I liked what you were doing...or at least what i thought you were doing. But once i had built the machine i could have left...but I liked you Logan. Plus you hadn't found a spirit! I thought hey maybe this will be the final piece of the puzzle...” Logans speechless breaths were terrifying. Remus cant help but reach out, he focuses allowing his hands to solidify. He takes Logans hands. “Watch” He instructs, after a quick thought Logans hands fall through Remus’s hold. 

“no no” He tries desperately to grasp to Remus, he wants to feel his hands. “No no lies lies all of it” He spirals, Remus just watches knowing this was inevitable. Remus feels a tug at his heart, he works quickly and the machine is one again. Logan remains at his desk, murmuring nonsense. 

“Lo?” Remus for all his chaos, had the softest voice. “Take me...to the demonstration tomorrow” he offers. Logan looks up finally, his eyes red from thoughts. “I was just another chess piece for your game, just use me...i don't think i wanna stay around much longer anyway” He sighs.

“No Remus. We have to stop this project.”

“what?” Remus barely breathes. 

“I was wrong...I was wrong and so misguided.” Logan admits, he has no idea if his next move would work but he takes Remus hands feeling a warmth as they stay solid in his hold. “You were never a piece...but I was wrong. Because they can feel, you feel...and I feel you” He moves a hand to Remus cheek. Logan had never seen this energetic bumble of ‘not safe for work’ jokes and buzzing laughter so...tired. And it was his fault. “You feel pain and joy and sadness and-”

“Love” Remus adds, Logan holds back his desperation. 

“I was truly an idiot, I was so focused on not looking like a failure I forgot my true goal. To discover and explore...not destroy” Logan sighs “I wanted to learn, but i let that go and became this”

“You dont wanna...destroy?” Remus cant quite wrap his head around it. 

“No god. I wanted to understand! But i let the success and money get to me. And i lost sight of who I was. You arent a danger...you are a miracle” He smiles ever so slightly. “SOmething I love so much is not worth destroying” He states

“Love?” Remus feels himself relax. 

“So..so much” Logan says

“Hah you're in love with a ghost” Remus teases, Logan sighs with a giggle and a playful eye roll. 

“I still have the machine remus” Logan threatens with a grin. Remus steps back and gasps his collar. 

“How dare thee!” He cries ever so mockingly. “I thought you cared”

“Woe is you” He laughs quickly pulling Remus into a kiss. 

Yeah its weird, but so intriguing. He expected a cold chill but received warmth in Remus’s embrace. 

They canceled the demonstration and gracefully stepped away. Years passed and Logan desperately tried to find a solution, he wanted Remus to stay, to be here in all his physical form. But on a quiet fall night, Remus was sprawled across the couch trying to dunk cheese balls into his mouth. Logan sat at his work bench concocting as he did. Logan had had his doubts over the years, Remus was a ghost. But Remus explained that the longer he was on earth he felt tethered a developed a physical form. He wasn't a human but he wasn't a ghost, almost a third party but he was real. 

But he was fading. 

And Logan worked tirelessly to find out what he could do. He had consulted with Virgil and Patton, two scientists who had done great strides for the world of science. He constantly worked alongside Janus but to no avail. Remus was fading, he would have to go soon. Remus didn't mind, all he tried to do was comfort his partner but Logan, for as smart as he was, was in deep denial. 

But this fall night, as a cheesy treat fell into Remus’s mouth his image flickered. This caught Logans eye from his work. 

“Remus?” He rushed over watching Remus sit up straight. The flickers were slow before they became full glitches and constantly. “No i need more time. Surely.” He could feel his tears coming. 

“Promise me youll find someone? Whos maybe not a farting ghost” Remus shrugs, Logan shakes his head, this wasnt the time for jokes. “Logan you knew this was coming. Also lets be honest, it was weird im a ghost”

“You're not though! You're a tethered!” He cries

“Guess my tether snapped” Remus sighs. He wanted to spend these last few moments in sweet bliss but instead, in true Logann fashion, he was arguing. “Come cuddle me you obnoxious man” He pouts

He knows its a joke but the sadness in Remus’s eyes finally catches up to the scientist. He obliges sitting with Remus. They do cuddle, and Remus finally lets go. His tears are soft and he doesnt think much but he doesnt know whats going to happen next. 

“You should get a dog” He sniffles, Logan laughs dryly stroking the messiest hair he had ever known. “Also Janus totally likes you” Remus wasnt oblivious to the way Janus looked at Logan. But he didn't mind, Logan was his...but he wanted his partner to be happy once he was gone. 

“Perhaps, but let me just...let me mourn alright?” Logan asks

“Fine, but promise me you wont mourn forever, please?” He holds up his pinky, Logan rolls his eyes but promises either way. Remus leans up a tad to kiss Logans cheek. “Lets just sit here ok?” He requests, Logan grants it. “I love you Logie” He knows that only he is allowed to call him such a name. They sit in silence, feeling the heartbeats and warmth. Every intimate move felt so careful. 

“I love you so much” He says after a moment of silence, he awaits a response but looks down to see Remus was no longer there. A small gasp as he takes to his chest. This is what it felt like, so much pain. They never conducted the experiments but as he clutched his heart and sobbed loudly he imagined this was close enough. 

[illfoandillfie]

Celebration Day

BxRxJ Masterlist

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Joe Mazzello x Reader

Summery: Ben's birthday gift is as much a surprise for you as it is for him.

Warnings: SMUT (18+), oral sex (m receiving), nothing especially kinky,just some good ol’ fashioned birthday/reunion sex

Words: 2164

A/N: This wasn’t really planned. I knew I wanted to do more brj but I didn’t have any solid plans for it. And then the other day, while I was writing something else entirely, I had the sudden urge to do this piece. Technically this is for Ben’s bday but like well late lmao

Taglist:  @laedymoon​​  @dtfrogertaylor​​   @ezmina98​​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​

It was two in the morning on the second of January when the text came through.

Joe: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENNY 💕😘

Ben reached for it automatically, making you groan when you were forced to pull away from his chest before you’d finished the hickey you’d started. “Y’know if you’re not interested I can always go to sleep,” “Thought you said you were too tired to sleep,” Ben said distractedly as he typed a reply. “Well maybe I’ll just go watch Netflix then,” you pushed yourself up, swinging your leg back over Ben’s hips and making to slip out of the bed. Ben’s arms wrapped around your waist, hoisting you back onto his lap as you squealed, “No need for that, I promise I’m very interested. You were saying something about a present?” “Finished flirting with your boyfriend then?” “I can flirt with him and make out with you at the same time, see, I’ll prove it,” with one hand he opened the camera on his phone as his other cupped your face and pulled you towards him. You giggled at the snap of the camera, letting Ben break the kiss to examine the photo. That’s how the last month and a half had gone, texts and emails and Skype sessions. It wasn’t easy but you made it work, kept up the habit of checking in with each other so you knew how everyone felt. Regular date nights happened over websites that let you sync up movies and telephone calls on speaker. One time Joe went to the MoMA and kept you and Ben on video chat the whole time, showing you everything he saw. It made the distance easier to bare though it couldn’t hold a candle to the real thing. “Joe’s gonna love it,” he said softly as he sent it off, “or at the very least he’s going to be insanely jealous and come back sooner.” From outside the bedroom you heard a text alert. “Did I send it to you accidentally?” Ben asked, looking back down at the screen. “My phone’s right here,” “Well, shit. I wanted it to be a surprise.” Both you and Ben whipped your heads around at the sound of Joe’s voice, finding him standing in the doorway, his phone clutched in one hand, Ben’s spare key dangling from his finger. “What are you doing here?” “Who cares Ben, as long as he’s here.” Joe dropped his bag where he stood, letting the key and phone fall on top before rushing to the side of the bed. You wriggled out of Ben’s grasp, almost throwing yourself at Joe and kissing him hard. He sighed against your lips, hands falling to your waist and then sliding lower still. Ben cleared his throat behind you, “excuse you but I believe it’s my birthday,” “Sorry, honey,” Joe mumbled as he let you go. There was a half second pause as you stepped back and then suddenly Joe rushed forward and threw himself onto the bed, making Ben yell as all of Joe’s weight landed on his lap. “Still as clingy as ever,” Joe laughed before wrapping his arms around Ben’s neck and leaning in to kiss him too. You couldn’t stop smiling as you walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in beside them.

“Seriously though,” Ben said, looking more than a little dazed, “What are you doing here? When did you get back? Why didn’t you tell us?” “I’m here because I missed you both too much to stay away any longer. I got back about, um, maybe an hour ago, bit longer I guess. And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t get you a birthday present and I figured this could be it. I expected you’d be asleep when I sent the text, so I was going to crash in the other room and surprise you in the morning but then you replied. What are you both doing up so late?” “We might have spent most of the day sleeping off a couple of hangovers,” You said slyly, leaning your head against Ben’s shoulder. “I did wonder how you’d go today, both of you looked pretty plastered in some of those photos. Didn’t realise Lucy and Rami would throw such a rager.” “Yeah, it was fun,” Ben laughed, “but god today, yesterday rather, was awful.” “Not so awful now though?” “Definitely not.” “Good, especially since I seem to have interrupted something,” Joe pressed his finger against one of the marks you’d left there moments before. “Y’know, Joe, if you’d given me some warning you were coming home I could have prepared something special for both of you.” “Oh?” Joe looked at you questioningly, “You mean like a cake or something?” “Uhh, not quite,” Ben cocked an eyebrow and looked toward you, “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?” “What? What’s she talking about?” “Well you have to admit this seems like the sort of occasion that would warrant…that kind of thing.” “You’d do that with us? I didn’t think you’d be into it,” “If you’d asked me a few months ago I would have thought the same thing but, I don’t know, guess I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately,” you shrugged, “but only if I had time to like get ready first.” “If one of you doesn’t explain soon I might just fuck off back to the US,” You laughed and shook your head, “double penetration, Joe, that’s what I was talking about.” Ben let out a bark of laughter at the sight of Joe’s stunned face, “So you were talking about what I thought you were talking about, good.” “Two things. Firstly,” Joe held up one finger, “Is this whole understanding each other with half a sentence to go off of thing something you’re going to be doing a lot? And two,” he put up a second finger, “Y/N, I love you.” “Well, like I said, it’s not happening right now,” “Doesn’t stop me from thinking you’re incredible for even suggesting it.” “There is something else I can do for you now though,” You pushed yourself up on your knees and shuffled to the end of the bed, holding out your hand to Joe in invitation to take the spot you’d just vacated. He obliged, glancing at Ben as he settled against the pillow, both of them smiling as you settled back on your knees. It was nice seeing them both again, back in the same place, the same room, the same bed. You took a breath to steady yourself, the pure joy of the moment threatening to overwhelm you. When you felt you’d calmed down enough you moved closer to them, between their legs, reaching forward to undo the fly of Joe’s pants. He was quick to kick them off, eager after so long away. For a moment both boys watched you, eyes glued to your lips when you let a string of saliva drip down, to your hand as you began pumping it over his shaft, spreading the spit from base to tip. Their breaths were shallow and audible. “Christ,” Joe groaned, head falling back against the pillow when you finally took him in your mouth, going slowly. Ben chuckled and propped himself up, “On any other birthday I’d complain about you getting more attention than me. But I think I can let it slide today.” Joe’s own laugh was muffled as Ben kissed him. You pulled up, one hand stroking Joe’s thigh softly, “Don’t worry Benny, haven’t forgotten you.” Ben groaned and broke the kiss as you pulled the waistband of his joggers down, much quicker to wrap your lips around his head. Joe took the opportunity to lift his shirt off over his head, grabbing the hem of Ben’s as soon as he was done. You brought one hand back to Joe’s cock as you took Ben a little deeper, listening for their groans and sighs of pleasure as their lips met once more. Alternating between the two of them, you bobbed your head over one and your hand over the other, taking them deeper each time, until the room was full of their moans, muffled by each other’s tongues, and your gags. Each time you came up for air and to switch, you would steal a glance at them, smiling to yourself at the way the looked when wrapped up in each other, their hair mussed, eyes closed, fingers grasping. If you took too long though one of them was sure to blindly reach for your head, pushing you back down. You squeezed your thighs together, trying to ignore how wet you were to focus on them instead.

And then Joe moved, slipped out of Ben’s reach, behind you. You pulled off of Ben, taking note of the fucked out, slightly stunned expression on his face as you turned to find Joe. “What’re you doing?” you half laughed, his fingers tickling your thighs as he pulled your pants down your legs slowly, “you didn’t finish yet.” He pulled you back against his chest, breath against your ear sending a shiver down your spine with every word, “As much as I love what you’re doing, and believe me I love it, I’ve been thinking about your pussy for weeks now. So, if you don’t mind…” he plucked the hem of your underwear. “S’pose I can accept that,” you turned your head so he could see your smile, which only got wider as he pressed a kiss to the side of your mouth and then a few more along your jaw. Shaking your head to bring yourself back to earth, you made to lean forward once more, intending on finishing what you’d started with Ben. Except that Ben moved too, pushing himself to his knees in front of you. His hands found your tits, squeezing them as Joe’s fingers slipped into you. Before you had time to register the changes, you were caught between them, three of Joe’s fingers pumping into you as Ben’s hands wandered over your body. “Ready?” Joe asked, receiving only a whine in response. He chuckled, “I’ll take that as a yes,” and then you were holding onto Ben’s shoulders as Joe pushed into you, slowly working himself deeper. You’d known you missed Joe but feeling him like that, his breath coming in pants against the back of your neck, his hands holding you tightly, his hard length buried as deep in you as he could possibly get, you were hit by the sudden realisation of you how much you’d missed having him in this specific way. He held you differently than Ben did, fucked you differently. It wasn’t better or worse but it was different and you’d missed it so much. “You okay?” Ben asked softly, catching sight of your face. “I’m fucking wonderful,”

As soon as you told him to move Joe brought his hips back and then snapped them forward once more, building up a quick pace. You leaned your head back against his shoulder, back arching towards Ben as he plucked at your nipples. It was a far cry from the slow steady way you’d blown them. Distance had made Joe desperate and needy, fucking you fast, making you moan as he did everything to prove that time and space apart hadn’t made him forget what you liked. His fingers danced over your clit as he rammed into you. Not the slow, romantic night of passion you’d perhaps envisioned when you thought about Joe’s return, but still perfect in its own way. You came with a cry, Joe still rubbing your clit, though somewhat less consistently, as he finished too. You could feel his seed dripping out of you as he pulled out, tilting your head to the side so he could kiss you deeply. You almost bit his tongue as you felt Ben push his cock between your legs, both of them working to adjust your position slightly to make it easier. You ended up with one leg draped over Joe’s arm, their steady support the only thing keeping you from collapsing on your slightly shaky leg. Joe moved his mouth to your neck, leaving marks down to your shoulders, occasionally pausing in his path to whisper dirty words into your ear. Ben’s thumb took over rubbing your clit until you fell over the edge again, swearing as you became too sensitive under the circles his thumb was making. He shifted his hand to your waist, holding you as he thrust into you, his own orgasm approaching. You clenched around him, unintentional, caused by Joe biting down on that particular spot, but it was enough to have Ben grunting through his release.

They let you go gently, making sure you were okay as you crawled up the bed and collapsed against the pillow, Ben stealing another kiss from Joe before they both joined you, Joe in the middle where both of you could reach him.

[void-tiger]

Tagged by @curiosity-killed (thanks for the tag!!)

roses or daisies:

DAISIES!!! They’re so simple and cheery have just as many colors and look delicate but are actually really tenacious? Also, how charming is Day’s Eye (and asters in general having the habit of facing eachother if they’re not turned towards the light--I think I have a picture of dahlias doing this from last autumn--and like. Star Flower. Okay, I’ll shut up now xD )

classical or lofi:

...okay so I admit I had to look this one up. But easily some of my favorite tracks are those Hidden Ones that bands plop onto their albums to fill up leftover space, but are often basically just scrapped recording or practice sessions? The bloopers and their creative process, basically. Cut to me googling and youtubing it and finding hiphop lofi and...yeah! Definitely Lofi.

(Classical vs OST and Modern Classical (that’s composed to be a lot more cinematic) just...really puts me on edge. It’s too mathematical...to put it nicely.)

So...yeah. Slow beats and something that sounds experimental or like a jamming session? It’s soothing and kinda ideal for background noise.

sunrises or sunsets:

Sunset. One, never ever gonna be a “morning person”. Forget it. Two, sunsets often have more dramatic colors and still make the landscape glow and you get to see stars peeping out vs fading. Also, y’know. I’m actually awake to appreciate it vs groggy and legit physically ill.

honey or lemon:

Honey as a condiment. Lemon for sweets flavor. (Baklava’s probably the exception...then again I haven’t had that many honey-flavored sweets, I guess? But Lemon-Poppyseed?? Definitely one of my favorites,)

coffee or tea:

Coffee. I adore tea service aesthetics and will someday probably collect them (especially the really quirky or earthen or blownglass ones vs the froufrou european ones)...buuuut, I just haven’t really had A Good Cuppa Tea much at all. There was this spiced tea I’ve had in Jordan that was AMAZING and I do like greentea (with...A LOT of sugar or honey...) but. I’ve just never really had tea. My family’s coffee drinkers, so the smell of coffee is nostalgic. (And yes, I’m basic enough that I prefer flavored, sweetened creamers; and my coffee brewed or spiced with, like, cinnamon and nutmeg, too. Or as a mocha.)

...I also have a Bad Habit of abandoning my Herbal “Teas” with the bags either left steeping too long (I have gotten better at using a timer) or while waiting for them to cool. And while I’d just really love it for Uncle Iroh to make me tea (provided he doesn’t get on my case about wanting sugar and maybe cream), the Times and Temperatures are just so dang fussy!! I...don’t think I have the patience for that.

enemies to lovers or friends to lovers:

Friends to Lovers. I just...don’t Get It with the sexual tension~ that seems to be the driving force behind enemies to lovers...I guess?? (That, and unless it’s literally on a battlefield, HARD PASS. I’ve had people try to blow off my complaints about getting repeatedly tormented as “he liiiiiikes you~” bullshit to ever be comfortable with it as anything but Legit Two Sides Of A Battle/Political Conflict. Sorry.)

But, Friends to Lovers? That Bond. And then the ...Oh. The domesticity and trust and safety. Also it is RIPE for Idiots to Lovers mutual pining xD

(bonus points if both parties decide ahead of time, “hey. even if dating doesn’t work out I still value your friendship in my life, so no pressure about ‘ruining things,’“ And then, of course, it does work out and there was nothing to be anxious about, after all.)

rainy days or sunny days:

...cop out but, overcast days with Soft Sunlight and Cloudbreaks?? I do like a clear skies sunny day, but, my eyes are also so sensitive to light that it can be painful. Rainy days can be soothing...but the rain has to be A Certain Way. Too heavy and with too much wind behind it and it can get me anxious. (My childhood home had Every Rain is Severe Weather...with no place to shelter. It’s gonna take awhile before i can appreciate it like i’d want.)

jupiter or mars:

Jupiter. GIANT. DEADLY. MARBLE (that wants to eeeaaat meeeee...) Also Pluto, and the jovian moons.

aphrodite or athena:

Athena!! She’s an ace icon, aight?? And also strikes me as...very, very Tired with everyone’s bullshit. Also...all the greek gods are kinda assholes. So. Yeah. She ain’t perfect and her characterization’s at the mercy of whatever myth in question, but generally she strikes me as practical and sensible and having Mercy...sometimes. As much as that group is capable of it, anyway...

rome or greece:

...probably Ancient Rome as a “ancient culture to explore but a YIKES (but. so is ancient greece.)” But visiting IRL in the present? Greece.

sun or moon:

Moon. I appreciate what the sun does and I do like feeling sunlight and all that...but, I’m also a night person. And I can look at the moon without risk of blindness and admire its corona and that rainbow corona you can see just a bit further out if you know where and how to look. BUT. The moon easily loses out to a starfield, especially if the light pollution and humidity are both low enough that ya get to actually see the milky way’s galaxy arm. (The irony that the sun IS our local star does not elude me.)

1920s or 1990s:

...neither?? 90s only slightly win out ‘cause I’m a ‘93 Kid and the 90s and 00s had some incredible toys and cartoons. And, idk. I still like overall pants and shorts. Always have. While a flapper dress would be “oooh pretty! starlight beading! Now OFF. Back to regular clothes for ‘Sporing or Comfy Lounging.”

blizzard or thunderstorm:

Blizzard. Also. Have you considered...thundersnow??

(Admittedly? I’ve also never been through a snowstorm that threatened by health&safety. The same cannot be said about thunderstorms when nearly every one could or would spawn tornados and severe straightline winds that could knock down trees and powerlines and sometimes even damage homes. While living in a home with NO safe place to shelter. Not even an interior closet or bathroom. NOT. FUN.)

midnight memories or made in the am:

...what?? [googles] ...OH...they’re...albums. UH. Neither?? (I don’t listen to them...?)

sage green or vanilla white:

Sage green. It’s kinda a nostalgic color somehow? Also. Just not a fan of monochrome...at all. I see it? I instantly want it to be a backdrop. Negative space. For COLOR. (jewel tones for whites/light neutrals and browns; NEONS for blacks and dark greys. Preference for Jewel Tones over Neons...wait. What was the question again??? OH YEAH..uh... I do like vanilla icecream? With rainbow sprinkles. Or...paired with hot fruit pie or cobbler. Or cookies. Um...yeah I should prolly shutup now. xD )

folklore or lover:

...I don’t...understand??? But...I like Folkslore as in...folklore??? Fairytales, Legends, Myths... (also, so frikkin ace I’m just. not ever gonna pick “lover”)

croissant or macaroon:

...why would you do this to me. I make a beeline for croissants because...Soft Flaky Buttery Bread. And they are So Good as a savory sandwich sorta thing. Easily better than english muffins or crumpets, tho biscuits have a fighting chance. But LIKE. Soft breads. My weakness as a kid.

...but a good macaroon?? It is so light and crisp and TINY and like?? how does it taste like coffee??? and berries????? (Too bad they are So EXPENSIVE. While even cheap croissants are almost always Good.)

ballgowns or pantsuits:

I like the aesthetics of a ballgown. But never the pricetag, I wouldn’t wanna live in that thing for more than an hour, tops (and. so much damn work!!) and I’m stuck looking at them Defying (boob) Physics and just...dying a little inside. With my rare It Pretty Want Pretty wilting with it. But...it’s rare that pantsuits really...look like anything. (They also look uncomfortable and yet another Wardrobe Disaster and Do I HAVE To??? if I think about...actually wearing them. But, Legs Free No Tripping...I guess??)

hades or zeus:

I only wanna EVER meet Zeus if I get to castrate the bastard and lock ‘im up where he’ll NEVER get back out. Hades, tho...I’m WATCHING you, Bub. (Why yes, I agree with Demeter on this one.)

platonic love or sensual love:

Platonic. Cuddling and Kissing are technically Sensual but, y’know what? They ain’t exclusive to sexual or romantic loves (and I just. really do not want kissing at all. MAYBE a quick kiss on the forehead or fingertips but LIKE. That’s it. And it’s cute af for...literally ANY Love Type.)

light academia or cottagecore:

Honestly? A mix between the two. Cottagecore with my charming little home with its overgrown flowerbed of wildflowers (and asters! All the asters) and produce grown in large pots or hanging baskets...and inside the walls are covered with overflowing shelves of books and knicknacks and other Neat Things. Oh, and naturally a tea service (might not actually have tea in it...) and tons of pillows and blankets, and lamps and lanterns Everywhere for warm and soft (and colorful) light to read by while music plays softly in the background. And the home smells like something I just made for Supper or Snacks, or like a food-scented candle.

-

Aaaaaand tagging @mckinlily @headspacedad @aairachnid @synergetic-prose and whoever else wants to play! No obligation to play if tagged.

[aristotlefms]

GREETINGS  ,  angel  .   i  am  praying  that  the  graphic  doesn’t  look  horrible  but  if  it  does  ?   please  pretend  it  doesnt   .   for  those  i  haven’t  gotten  a  chance  to  introduce  myself  to  ,  im  gianna  ╱   gi  .   im  nineteen  and  well   ?   absolute  trash  .   asdj  .  im  so  excited  for  this  group  and  even  more  excited  to  bring  you  your  scarlet  ,  aristotle  wolff  .   random  headcanons  and  more  about  his  background  has  been  on  my  mind  for  days  and  im  just  so  excited  to  share  them  all  with  you  ...  hopefully  it’ll  get  him  to  leave  me  alone  asdfg  .  i  did  write  this  at  4  in  the  morning  so  ???  if  it’s  gross  that’s  why  .   enough  rambling  though  ,  below  the  cut  you’ll  find  everything  you  need  to  know  about  him  ..  ENJOY  .

                       STATS .  here  ,  please  read  for  the  basics .  

                      PINTEREST .  here .

                      CHARACTER  INFLUENCES .  lip  gallagher  ,  charlie  st  cloud  ,   daemon  black  ,   hardin  scott  .  

                       SOUNDTRACK .  numb  to  the  feeling  ,  chase  atlantic  .  faith  ,  the  weeknd  .  feel  ,  phora  .  i  fall  apart  ,  post  malone  .  she  wonders  why  ,  astrus  .  gang  over  luv  ,  brent  faiyaz  .  wicked  games  ,  the  weeknd  .  ivy  ,  frank  ocean  .  gangstas  ,  pop  smoke  .  demons  and  angels  ,  a  boogie  wit  da  hoodie  .  

                                                                 AESTHETICS .

  pearly  whites  concealing  sad  hues  ,   collar  bones  painted  with  hikceys  ,  a  destined  path  carved  by  hands  that  are  not  his  own  ,  a  contagious  laughter  floating  in  the  night  sky  ,   the  memory  of  emerald  hues  haunting  his  dreams  ,  the  lingering  taste  of  bitter  whiskey  ,   calloused  digits  against  soft  skin  ,   footsteps  against  hardwood  floor  in  the  dead  of  the  night  ,  a  tattoo  needle  against  his  skin  whispering  he’s  alive  over  and  over  again  ,   a  soft  scent  of  cologne  and  cigarette  smoke  clinging  to  his  clothes  ,   abandoned  promises  that  weigh  heavy  on  his  shoulders  ,  moans  spilling  of  pleasure  coming  from  the  backseat  of  an  expensive  car  ,    black  rimmed  sunglasses  to  hide  bloodshot  hues  ,  his  heart  beating  in  his  ears  ,   a  never  ending  grief  . 

DOING  EVERYTHING  I  CAN  TO  FEEL  SOMETHING  .

CARELESS  ,      how  many  times  have  you  heard  that  ari  ?     i’d  tell  you  to  count  on  your  fingers  ,    but  you  might  run  out   .   enlighten  me  ,  disagree  .   tell  me  you’re  just  CURIOUS  .    what  ?  i  know  your  LOUD  MOUTH  is  resisting  the  urge  .  i  know  you  want  to  say  that  your  honeyed  hues  always  reflected  a  world  full  of  not  sorrow  ,  but  infinite  opportunities    .   possibilities  and  limits  without  boundaries  .    boundaries  you  pushed  at  every  given  chance  ,  DETERMINED   some  would  say  .   but  me  ?   i  would  say  ,  you’re  your  father’s  son  .    a  spitting  image  right  down  to  curly  locks  and  a  crooked  smile  .    that  assertiveness   in  your  heart  ?   it  was  gifted  by  masculine  hands  that  had  once  fought  the  WAR  of  the  streets               a  never  ending  battle  for  dominance  between  gang  violence  and  a  mother  that  had  a  sadness  so  great  she  spent  her  days  forgetting  her  own  name   .    it’s  okay  ,  i  know  you  didn’t  know  .  and  he  was  never  around  to  ask  ,   the  office  was  his  home  and  the  building  were  family  pictures  clung  to  the  walls  was  the  stranger  .  but   he  did  love  you  ,  affection  shown  in  the  form  of  absence  so  you’d  never  know  what  it  is  like  to  merely  survive  .   

and  i  know  you  want  them  ,     ANSWERS  ,  i  mean  .  but  when  you  ask  me  about  your  mother  ,  i  don’t  have  anything  you’ll  want  to  hear  .    your  first  words   ,  were  mama  ,  but  it  was  not  mama  who  was  there  to  witness  it  .                          that’s  the  reality  of  your  relationship  with  her  .   and   i  know  you’re  still  ANGRY  .   her  absence  was  willingly  ,   and  i  know  you  have  a  hard  time  FORGIVING  especially  when  it  comes  to  her  .   but  truth  is  ,  she  never  wanted  to  be  someone’s  mother  ,   and  it  made  her  feel  guilty  .    she  had  plans  .   and  all  of  them  consisted  of  tan  lines  and  gossip  over  wine  ,  none  of  them  included  your  sweet  whispers  of  i  love  you  .    but  her  not  wanting  to  be  a  mother  doesn’t  make  her  a  bad  person  ,  she  was  once  present  .   she  once  tried  .  and  i  don’t  mean  to  make  excuses  ,  NOTHING  could  excuse  it  .  but  she  knew  .  she  knew  she  could  never  be  what  you  needed  her  to  be  ,  so  she  ran  from  it  and  you   .  could  not  deal  with  how  badly  it  ate  at  her  .  and when  she  got  pregnant  a  second  time   and  your  baby  brother  came  11  months  after  you  ,  she  told  herself  that  it  was  for  YOU  .   that  if  she  could  give  you  one  thing  that  was  worth  anything  ,  it  was  someone  to  keep  you  company  .   it  was  IRRESPONSIBLE,   but  you  know  a  lot  about  that  ,  don’t  you  ?  that  wasn’t  a  jab  .  just  a  reminder  of  the  many  situations  where  your  good  intentions  came  back  to  bite  you  .   that  doesn’t  change  the  fact  that  i’m  sorry  ,  i’m  sorry  she  was  never  there  .  

your  baby  brother  ,      he  was  a  GIFT  .    i  know  you  know  that  .  he  was  more  then  company  ,  wasn’t  he  ?   you  guys  shared  BLOOD  but  it  was  not  just  blood  that  bonded  you   .  IRISH  TWINS  ,     that’s  the  official  term  .   siblings  born  less  than  12  months  apart  .   and  when  you  were  little  ,  that’s  what  everyone  referred  to  the  two  of  you  as  .  twins                     you   were  never  the  type  of  person  to believe  in  cheesy  things  such  as  soulmates  .  when  girls  would  intertwine  their  fingers  with  yours  and  purr  how  the  two  of  you  were  meant  to  be  together  ,  you  had  to  hold  back  laughter  .   but  the  older  you  got  ,  the  more  you  began  to  realize  that  you  and  dustin  ?  you  guys  split  from  the  same  soul  .   it  was  the  day  you  also  realized  that  soulmates  aren’t  just  the  romantic  cliche  in  the  movies  you  grew  up  believing  them  to  be  .   you  couldn’t  help  but  felt  guilty  ,    for  once  belittling  someone  for  believing  in  it  .  because  you  swore  ,  that  everyone  deserve  to  have  a  bond  like  you  and  your  brother  .  

your  nanny  ,      she  was  in  for  it   .   chasing  two  boys  around  the  house  who  could  run  before  they  could  walk  .    close  your  eyes  and  REMEMBER  it  ,    the  way  yous  once  laughed  with  one  another  .     mornings  with  syrup  dripping  on  your  chins  .    wrestling  in  the  living  room  despite  the  warning  from  miss  bailey  that  one  of  you  will  get  hurt  (  which  one  of  you  always  did  )  .    outsiders  might  say  you  two  brought  out  the  worst  in  each  other  (  mrs.  burke  did  when  she  refused  to  have  the  both  of  you  in  her  class  )  ,   but  anyone  who  really  knew  you  knew  how  good  for  each  other  you  were  .   mischievous  ,  but  aren’t  that  what  brothers  for  ?  built  in  partner  in  crimes  ?   best  friends  for  life  .  you  guys  were   inseparable  ,  so  inseparable  that  by  the  end  of  secondary  school   it  was  granted  that  you  were  put  in  different  classes  to  allow  room  for  others  .   you  DIDN’T  mind  ,   even  if  you  did  declare  how  idiotic  it  was  to  your  mother  over  the  phone  .    you  had  friends  .   a  lot  of  friends  .  but  friends  that  were  just  your  friends  ?  that  was  new  .   and  you  never  really  knew  how  to  feel  about  it  .  

high  school  ,       it  changed  your  life  .   i  know  you’ll  say  for  the  worst  ,  but  please  don’t  forget  about  all  of  the  good  that  came  out  of  it  .   the  teachers  ?  they  were  stuck  between  loving  and  hating  you  .   and  some  ?  didn’t  get  a  chance  to  do  either  with  how  much  you  skipped  their  class  .   you  kept  your  grades  up  only  to  continue  playing  hockey                    grades  were  the  only  thing  that  your  dad  actually  checked  .    you  enjoyed  the  social  scene  ,  and  by  social  scene  i  mean  getting  too  drunk  at  house  parties  and  being  rowdy  in  the  bleachers  .    when  you  looked  to  your  right  ,   you  had  a  whole  CREW  of  friends  who  somehow  stumbled  into  your  life  .  and  when  you  looked  to  your  left  ,  you  had  your  brother  .     you  sought  out  EXCITEMENT  ,   anything  to  get  your  heart  racing  .    you  were  IMPULSIVE  .   you  took  your  injustice  out  by  developing  a  CANTANKEROUS  attitude  that  got  you  into  fights  left  and  right  (  on  and  off  the  ice  )  .     high  school  is  when  you  got  your  first  job  ,  sixteen  and  tired  of  hearing  your  father  complain  about  you  needing  more  responsibility                        of  course  this  had  been  after  you  and  your  brother  got  caught  smoking    .    your  legs  landed  you  at   rainbow  point    with  a  confident  grin  and  TROUBLE  in  your  eyes  .  

BECAUSE  EVERYTHING  I  DO  FEELS  LIKE  NOTHING   

it  was  good  ,   you  struggled  but  you  were  happy  .    my  CARELESS  child  with  light  dancing  around  you  .   you  couldn’t  be  touched  ,  you  were  immortal  .   it  reflected  in  your  actions  ,  teenagers  huh  ?   but  we  all  know  there  can’t  be  good  without  the  bad  ,  and  for  you  i  wish  the  bad  had  been  a  broken  ankle  or  failed  SAT’S  .  but  it  wasn’t  .    the  bad  was  ripping  you  to  pieces  ,   beyond  repair  .    i  know  it  haunts  you  ,  the  accident    .   the  realization  when  you’re  eyes  focused  on  the  road  and  saw  a  blue  truck  headed  towards  you  ,  you  hate  the  color  blue  .   you  forgot  too  ,  that  dustin  had  taken  off  his  seat  belt  to  retrieve  the  phone  you  knocked  out  of  his  hands  because  he  was  getting  on   your  nerves  .    it  only  hitting  you  when  hues  opened  back  up  and  a  gaping  hole  the  size  of  a  body  remained  .    you  still  don’t  understand  how  it  could  be  ,  that  you  had  absolutely  no  scratches  .  but  your  brother  ?  he  no  longer  had  air  in  his  lungs  .

you’re  lost    ,     you  want  to  sob  like  a  child  with  hands  wrapped  around  you  whispering  it’s  going  to  be  okay  .    but  it  won’t  be  .      and  you  never  realized  how  lonely  your  house  was  ,  and  how  distant  your  parents  were  .    now  your  home  town  reminds  you  of  secrets  whispered  in  the  dark  and  talks  about  the  future  that  no  longer  exists  for  your  brother  .   you  left  after  that  summer   ,   in  the  beginning  you  missed  holidays  because  you  couldn’t  bare  the  sight  of  an  untouched  room  .  and  that  empty  seat  right  beside  you  dug  it’s  claws  into  your  chest  until  you  could  no  longer  breathe  .    you  HATE  your  home  town  ,  and  the  house  you  grew  up  in  .  and  if  you  could  choose  ,  you’d  never  go  back  .  so  why  do  you  ?   it’s  because  of  the  missed  calls  on  your  phone  from  the  ones  you  call  friends  .  you  feel  OBLIGATED  .   it’s  one  of  the  only  emotions  you  feel  ,  besides  guilt  and   grief    .   you  really  do  try  ,  to  move  on  .  to  feel  more  .  but  it’s  hard  for  you   .  so  you  hide  behind  spontaneous  adventures   and  the  bottom  of  a  whiskey  bottle  .    you  flash  pearly  whites  and  roll  around  in  sheets  with  women  you  could  never  love  like  they  love  you  .    you  ink  your  body  with  permanent  ink  because  it’s  the  only  permanent  thing  you’ll  ever  have  .    you  have  to  remind  yourself  that  you’re  alive  ,  you’re  alive  because  sometimes  you  forget  .   but  what’ll  you  never  forget  ?  is  that   ,  you  did  this                     that  reality  hits  you  when  you’re  at  your  weakest  .  it’s  the  one  that  screams  at  you  until  tears  hang  in  honeyed  hues  and  just  healed  wounds  are  ripped  open   by  your  favorite  punching  bag              the  mirror  .   but  that’s  okay  ,  isn’t  it  ?   because  when  the  sun  rises  ,  you’ll  go  out  and  replace  it   .     and  you’ll  pretend  that  you’re  fine  .  

[ayyyez]

im so sorry this is so long i tired to make it shortter. thanks for all your writings. thank you so much. i really don't know what to do... if i was one of your oc what would you make me do? im so sorry

It’s alright anon, sometimes it’s easier to write it all down to vent it out. It’s also sometimes easier to do it to someone you know won’t judge you because it’s someone removed from your everyday life so don’t be sorry, it’s okay. I got all of the asks I’m just not going to post them all here because it’s your life and your business that no one else on here needs to know. I would reply privately but it doesn’t let you on anon, unfortunately, but that’s okay. I totally get why you would like to stay anon. If you don’t in the future that’s also fine. I’ll respect your decision no matter what.

First of all, I don’t know what your parents are like but if it did come to a point where you would like to leave this boyfriend, do you think they would be open to talking to you about it? Do you think they would help you get out? You mentioned they don’t want to talk to you because you went back to him. If you think there’s a slim chance they’d help you I would definitely try. The worst thing that would happen is they would say no and we start from somewhere else. Tell them you need to leave. That is if you continue to make the decision to leave of course. This is merely advice of course, only you can decide what to do. From what you’ve told me (that you want to leave) I support that if that’s what you want to do. (also I don’t know if it’s a good idea talking to his mother about it. It could turn very ugly and I’d hate to see you get hurt. But if you think she’s the type of person you can talk to then that’s up to you!) 

In regards to the possibility of other girls. I think the prospect of not knowing is a source of anxiety on it’s own. If it were me I would want to know because it would likely come out eventually and I’d rather it sooner than later. If there’s a safe way of finding out then take it. If it’s no safe for you to ask him about it please don’t feel obliged to. Do whatever is safer for you both mentally and physically. It’s okay to be afraid of finding out whether or not he is talking to someone, it’s a very big deal! These feelings are normal even if you don’t feel the same in the relationship any more! If you think it’s alright to talk to him about I would definitely try, communication is important in a relationship but only if you can do it safely. If it’s beyond that point then focus on the other things, like you mentioned you wanting to leave.

It’s okay to have made bad choices and gotten into a relationship you no longer want to be in, you’re young! sometimes it’s hard to tell what your choices are going to lead to, it’s not your fault! That’s very important to remember. It’s not your fault. I want you to hold on to the possibility that things can change and you can be happy because you absolutely can, it might be a hard journey to get out and away at first but afterwards you would be glad you did. 

I myself was in a very abusive relationship when I was only 16 and I didn’t see a light at the tunnel. It’s very hard when you’re in the thick of the bad. I was very lucky to have a girl at my school see the torment i was going to and tell me that I need to break up with him if it’s what I want to do (I had confessed I wanted to leave him). She stood behind me and everything to make sure I was okay but she didn’t force me, just helped me see that decision I wanted to make was the correct one. At 23 I’m still thankful to her this day. I totally understand all the feelings before and after. I’m so glad I left him before it got worse. I still felt sick about for a year afterward but now I’m like ‘Thank god.’ That’s what being in a abusive and manipulative relationship is like unfortunately and a lot of people don’t know how awful it is unless they’ve been through it/seen it unfold. 

-If you want to leave him you make that your goal. I would advise you to read up on people who have been in your position. The prospect of being homeless if terrifying but ultimately not the be all and end all. Talk to your parents. Beg them to listen. Do you have friends to talk to or even someone you just know who would understand? I’m not sure what country you’re from but I know in Australia we have help centres that help get you employed and sheltered for those who want to get out of unhealthy relationships or who can’t turn to their parents. There’s also government finance options for those unemployed to get money which could also help you. I think most countries have this it’s just researching it.

I would also advise reading up on escalation behaviour in domestic violence and people who have been in the same position as you. It might help in cementing your decision and also shed light in how to get out of such a awful situation. Do anything that can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Look up resources in your area that help people like you. Google people in your community that might be able to understand and reach out to them. When you don’t know what to look for things can be hard. It’s okay to feel unsure. Please promise me you will try! I know it’s so so hard. I’m sorry you have to go through this but know there will always be someone out there to help you, sometimes when you didn’t even know it. I promise someone out there will be willing to help and understands what you’re going through. It’s just finding and reaching out to them. 

I’m glad that my writing can be a source of escapism for you and it’ll always be there for you to read but I’m sorry for everything that you’re going through. It’s so hard, I know it is, I hope you are able to safely get yourself out of this situation. If you need help with anything or even want my help in finding people to help you then just let me know. Your safety is most important. Your mental and physical health is what is important. As is your happiness. I can’t tell you what to do because that decision is yours but whatever decision you do make I can help you with fulfilling it. 

I may not be the exact person to help you but it’s a good start reaching out to someone about this. Sending you all the love. x

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[theromanticdead]

April 8th, 2019

There’s gotta be something wrong with me, right? There’s gotta be a reason why no one ever stays.

I am a toy, that people enjoy, till all of the tricks don’t work anymore. Then they are bored of me.

I’m a hotel room. A banal comparison, but it holds true. People come, stay for a little while, and carry on with their lives. They leave, quite inconsiderately, after making everything a mess. NO second thoughts, no fucks given.

Yet I, ever the dumb bitch, grow used to their presence. So when they leave, when the bed no longer stays warm, I miss their presence; I miss them.

I give away pieces of myself and they all gladly take and take till I can’t give no more. Then, they exit. Reminds me of the tiny hotel shampoos and soaps, taken, but never to be used, packed away in some suitcase or thrown out; forgotten.

All I want is for someone to make a home of me. I want someone to make me their favorite place to be. I want to be the place they long to get back to.

I want to last long in someone’s life. Not just be a passing pleasure. 

Got a hundred friends but I cut em off, I don’t need em

I don’t need em.

Not like any of ‘em give a fuck if i was breathin

I can’t remember the last time someone texted me just to ask me how i’m doing. 

Not to get too Gen-Z, but when is the last time someone sent me a meme or DM’d me randomly? I honestly can’t remember. 

Summer's over so they switch around like the seasons

Funny how I only exist to the world when school is in session. Bell rings, class ends, and I disappear, like an apparition.

Gotta keep my guard up now I'm playin' defense

Everybody wants a favor everybody needs me

But I'm too busy tryin' to fight away all of my demons

We were all sitting around the table, supposedly “working” on our music timeline in Social Justice today. The subject of prom comes up and how Maryam’s promposal is going to play idea—which, totally cool idea by the way. And I wasn’t bothered because hey that’s so cool! But then they start bringing up Amy’s prom dates and how four people are considering asking her out. Four. She has four potential relationships waiting on the table for her, let alone the amount of genuine friends she has. 

And that’s the case with everyone it seems. Everyone has a solidified friend group or a boyfriend or both. And yet here I stand, the anomaly. The one without any friends nor a significant other, because who would want to associate themselves with me? 

It’s so funny. I—the absolute extrovert who can put Leos to shame—am the one without a single friend. And I’m not even talking about best friend status friends—or even close friends. No, I’m talking about regular ol’ say-hi-in-the-hallway friends or occasionally-send-a-meme friends or hangout-inside-or-outside-of-school-at-least-once-a-month type of friends. I dont even have that.

I mean I dont blame anyone. With so many failed friendships, there has to be something wrong with me. I just wish I knew what it was. Maybe that way I could correct it or suppress it. Am I not funny? I swear I’ll try to keep up with the culture more. Am I too controlling? I swear I’ll be more conscious of my words and actions. Am I too loud and dramatic? I swear, I’ll tone it down. I’ll abandon it completely. I’ll do anything. Please, just please, someone be my friend. 

I’ve tried to get help from my dad but all he had to offer was: “you don’t need friends. dont waste your time.” At least he tried to help?

What I don’t think he understands is that it’s literally encoded into our DNA to want companionship, both platonic and romantic. Just by taking a quick, cursory glance at any intro to anthropology textbook willl show you that we’ve evolved in a way to require that because it’s best for survival. And im tired of my feelings being invalidated by people who have a social life.

I’d love to open up about this to my—acquaintances? people who hit me up for school work? Because they’re cool people and I’d love to be their genuine friend. But I don’t because my emotions shouldn’t be their burden. They didn’t ask for this and I’m not going to just throw this onto them. They deserve better. And any action that results from me telling them this will be out of pity. And I don’t want anybody’s pity. I don’t want to suffocate people into being my friend. I dont want them to think that they’re obligated to talk to me. I’m not their problem. I won’t bother them.

But godDAMN it hurts! It hurts so fucking much! I can’t even emphasize how dry my inbox is. How dry my social circle is. I just want to be loved and appreciated, holy shit, even if I don’t deserve it. 

I just---is it too much to ask? Is it selfish? If I can't form a decent friendship with people in mf highschool, where there are so many people, what the fuck am I going to do in university? It's *so* easy to be a recluse in uni and I guess I'll be forced into doing that? Because I won't really have friends to hang out with anyway. I have 5 Sagittarius placements--I thought I was supposed to be leaving people, not people leaving me. 

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

[ladybug-journal]

I keep looking at my arms and think about how I'm planning on getting tattoos over them. I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't know if it'll make me feel better or not. It's like I'm trapping myself away from hurting myself again. I want to so bad. And maybe that makes this a good idea. But maybe I need more time. Maybe I should learn to love myself and my arms before I try and trap them shut. I don't think I'll feel relief from covering them. I don't think I'll feel more comfortable showing my arms if there are tattoos covering them. I just don't know.

I still feel alone. I just want someone to pay in bed with me and hold me and brush my hair and touch me so lovingly that I never feel alone again. I won't feel the need to hurt myself because I'll have an escape... I know I can't put all my hopes and fears into one person. Especially since I don't have that person to begin with. I know that I need to learn to comfort myself. But it seems impossible.

Everyday is just seeking for distraction from how lost and sad I feel. I'm running away from my thoughts of leaving to a place that I can never come back from. I want those thoughts thought I know I shouldn't. I want to escape. I want to feel comfort. I want to want to stay. I want to enjoy life but I can't help myself. I'm pathetic and hopeless. I want to take steps forward but I struggle to take that step. I keep waiting for the day where I have the motivation to take that step but I always find a way to not.

Nothing helps.

I'm scared that nothing will. That I'll give up and one day be gone for good. And no one will feel bad for me. They shouldn't. They'll be sad that I'm gone but they'll know that it was my choice. And that I was weak and gave up. But it's hard not giving up when you're all alone. I'm expected to pick myself up all but myself. And if I give up then that's all on me. And I know that's true. It's on me. I'm in charge of myself.

But it's hard. It's so hard. And it's hard for everyone. I can't expect it to be easy.

I hate everything about myself. I want to change but I refuse to change because I'm tired and scared. I feel hopeless sometimes and it's hard to take steps forward.

Maybe someone feels sympathy towards me and knows that I'm in pain. Maybe they can validate my feelings and want to help me move forward. But I don't see them. I don't feel them.

I only feel everyone else living their own life and struggling with their own stuff.

I'm just wishing for that my soul mate who will be by my side and understand what I'm going through. I want them to be with me and to be the reason that I want to stay. The reason why I can stay. The reason why I don't want to give up. Right now I don't have a good reason to not give up other then fear. I dont feel love. Not true live anyway, from anyone. I feel fake love. Shallow love. Love that's rooted in obligation. A shallow love that doesn't feel like love at all. It feels like burden and effort wasted. Because it's fake and fake love doesn't comfort me. It doesn't help anyone. It makes me feel worse. It keeps me quiet.

I'm waiting for the day when I can just take the leap and leave. I'm tired of wasting my time. Of wasting everyone else's time. I'm tired of being nothing. Of wasting time and money and resources on things that I'm desperately hoping will be enough to make me want to stay. To give me purpose. To make me feel like life is worth it. I want to get to the point where I look at life and don't feel pessimistic. Where I don't feel bitter and think "this is it isn't it? This is just another good thing among other little good things that are nice but ultimately not enough. Because nothing can be so good that it's worth all the pain that fills the time in between little good things."

Everyday trying to find little good things and trying to focus on them throughout the whole day. Like they could be enough. As if any of it could be enough to keep me from eternal sleep and relief. As if any if it could be satisfying enough to make me glad that I'm alive. As if any of it could have me begging for another day.

Sure right now I don't feel as bad as I used to. But I don't feel that great either. I feel a type of numb. Not one where I can't cry, but one where I just don't think much. I feel...I don't even know. Just a type of numb. I'm on the numb spectrum. One where im not thinking about giving up yet. But I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to grab things that will ultinately pull me up. Or shield me from getting worse. Like the tattoo. Will it shield me from hurting myself again? Will it feel worse? Will I cry of relief or of suffication.