#less talking in this one because i am tired and have a headache :)

[astrarift]

wednesday - 23/08/2023 - go flower picking with the baby

Slimecicle was taking care of Allie today. He seemed nice enough, but Phil had pulled him aside when he first came to pick them up for the day. Allie was curious to what they were talking about but was occupied with chatting with Tallulah. Xe pinkie promised to come back at the end of the day and then Slime and Allie set off to do their tasks. Slime was funny and nice but Allie noted that he had a habit of needing them in his direct line of vision or he'd start to subtly freak out, something that most people wouldn't notice but Allie prided aerself on being observant. It was what kept aer alive before. They had been trying to find a suitable meadow to pick flowers, since Allie had already seen the museum with Phil earlier that week, for what felt like hours. During some point in their trek, xyr joints hurt so much xyr couldn't go on and Slime had been carrying them since then. Sitting on Slime's shoulders was comfy and they were having a lot of fun being tall and getting to see so much. Allie yawned, wishing they could take a nap, folding aer arms on Slime's head so they could rest their head. Slime had been off and on singing and humming for the entire time, but now he was quiet. As the two of them reached the top of the hill they were climbing, they were greeted by the sight of a sprawling field full of pretty flowers. "Well look at that Allie, what luck!" Slime stuttered a bit at aer name, but Allie paid it no mind, straightening up on Slime's shoulders. They had never seen so many flowers in the same place, ae was in awe. Xe only realized xyr mouth was hanging open once they reached the bottom of the hill. Slime picked them up off his shoulders and put aer down. Allie immediately ran towards the closest patch of flowers and sat down. They grabbed the petals of each carefully, inspecting them. Ae had planned to give the bouquet of flowers to Tallulah since she was, what Tallulah had called, aer friend and so the flowers needed to be perfect. While they were waiting for Slime to pick Allie up, Tallulah had explained all the kinds of flowers to Allie and xe was so confused on how there could be so many different kinds of flowers but Allie understood now. Slime let them inspect the flowers to aer liking, chatting to himself and occasionally laughing at a joke he made. Once Allie had collected a bouquet of flowers that they deemed suitable enough for Tallulah, they told Slime who held the flowers while xe got up. Shaking their head to get xyr hair out of their face, Allie realized that it had fallen out of the braid Baghera had made for them when ae met her and now was blowing everywhere. Allie made a face. "Do you need help with that? I used to braid my daughters hair so.." Slime trailed off, tears gathering in his eyes. Allie didn't know that Slime had a daughter. Ae wondered if they would meet her soon. The only other kid she had met was Tallulah because xe were currently staying with her. Chayenne didn't count, he slept most of the time, Allie was hoping he would wake up soon so they could play together. Slime was a fast braider and in no time Allie had two new neat braids. Slime got up to go and Allie saw tear tracks on his cheeks but didn't mention it. It was rude and Allie had manners, ae had to have manners or people would get upset. "Are we going back to Phil and Tallulah now?" Allie asked instead. Ae was done with all of their tasks and they were very, very sleepy. "Yeah, yeah, let's go." Slime wiped his face, sniffling softly. Sitting up on Slime's shoulders, they set off towards the wall.

[chaoticbardlady99]

I Triple Dog Dare You (Astarion x F!Reader) (Part 2 to Pinkie Promise)

CW: Angst, mentions of trauma, mentions of sexual trauma, mentions of bullying, mentions of parental death, mentions of domestic violence, mentions of voyeurism

Both titles have been inspired by the song ‘School Nights’ by Chappell Roan

Dedicated to @amica-aenigmata-naboo - thank you for demanding a part two 😂

Part 1: Pinkie Promise?

✨this has been proof read once and I have been awake and working since 3 am. It is not 10:04 pm. Please help✨

You finish your letter by folding it into thirds and then writing ‘Star’ on the back. You take a deep breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth- reminding yourself that you already know he likes you back, you are just taking that last extra little step. You also can’t attempt to write this letter again- this is your 8th draft, the others turning into flames in your hands very quickly.

You want to ask Astarion to be in a serious relationship with you. You have only been seeing each other (as far as you know) and you’ve spent almost everyday sleeping with him in his tent since you had ventured into the Underdark. Most of the time- you don’t even have sex. You stay up talking together and sharing soft kisses- no clothes, just intimacy. You adore those moments immensely.

Life around camp has also been good- everyone is finally beginning to get along. Shadowheart and Lae’zel even silently respect each other now. It feels like one big happy family and you are grateful for them when this whole journey feels far too big and scary.

Recently, you and your crew have been playing an ongoing game of “Triple Dog Dare”. The only rule is you can’t dare someone in the middle of a battle or a serious mission. Otherwise- it’s all fair game and if you decline to do it, you have to take the darers’ guard duty or help them with a chore. The chores were limited to one task and it can’t be taking down a whole tent + equipment- the one time Astarion had to take down Gale’s tent had been disastrous. The dare had been to allow Gale to take you on a date- Astarion shot back with a “I triple dog dare you to swallow my fucking knife wizard.” All parties (minus Astarion) agreed that this dare was not to be followed through on.

The game has had… less than favorable results. Watching Wyll and Karlach streak across the camp while you were piss drunk was awful. Oh and the time Gale almost died because Wyll dared him to spy on the two of you for 20 minutes. You hadn’t heard his thoughts, but Astarion had. His head had shot up from between your legs with a furious look in his eyes. Astarion had covered your naked frame up quickly with his shirt (his trousers still on) and chased after Gale until he pushed the man into the freezing Underdark water.

The group then had to make a few more rules people didn’t realize they had to make. In Gale’s defense- Wyll didn’t specify and Wyll is a real snob about which chore he gives the person. It’s also the worst chore and usually includes de-stinking his boots. You are almost positive Wyll does this on purpose as repayment for all the headaches this groups’ shenanigans has given him-oh and the horns.

Karlach triple dog dared you today to finally confess your feelings to Astarion. You had gawked at her and then dared her to do the same with Dammon. You shook on it and it was done.

Finding out that Astarion’s life is in far more danger than any of them had realized shook you to your core. You are tired of wasting time being afraid to ask him what you already know (or at least hope you know). You are silently grateful that Karlach has given you the push you needed (you doubt she would have actually made you do anything- she wouldn’t put you on blast like that).

It just never felt like the right time in the past. Having your life be in constant danger is kind of a romance killer and you aren’t sure how the hell you are supposed to do this.

Do you court him? Do you ask him to court you?

You ultimately settled on just flat out telling him your feelings- politics be damned. It’s not like you were welcome in High Society anyway.

Now you are in the safety of Last Light Inn and it feels like the right time to bring this up. You worry that waiting any longer will result in him looking for someone more serious or maybe you would always just be a person he slept with during the journey to his freedom.

You hope you are more than that and you are almost positive you are. The way he looks at you, kisses you, and talks to you is so genuine- his eyes are always so soft and so are his lips. He protects you and you protect him. You adore him and you think he adores you too.

So naturally, walking up behind him and Shadowheart talking isn’t a nerve wracking endeavor to you. This is all going to go off without a hitch!

Or so you thought.

Your ears twitch and you barely hear what they say to each other, but you do. Gods you wish you hadn’t.

“You are insufferable, Cleric.” Astarion groans, “I already told you my answer.”

“Oh please- you follow them around like a lovesick puppy. You can’t honestly tell me you have absolutely no feelings for them.”

Shadowheart takes a long sip of her pint and raises an eyebrow at him. You remain in the shadow- your heart thumping out of your chest. Maybe he’ll say a lot of wonderful things about you? Maybe your hopes will be-

“Nope, not a single feeling outside of my carnal desires,” he says nonchalantly, “that’s all it’s been and they know that.”

Oh.

You feel all the air leave your lungs as you crumple your letter and shove it in your pocket. You don’t know why you insist on listening further.

“Then I triple dog dare you to go talk to someone and take them to bed. You will have no problem bedding that Harper who keeps giving you ‘fuck me’ eyes- I’m sure.”

Oh please no.

“You offend me- that’s hardly a challenge,” he says while standing up, sauntering over to the Harper that is eyeing him.

You promptly turn around and hurry out of the building. You can’t breathe. You should have known better.

You had always been Tav the Guillable, the Plain, the Insufferable, etc, etc. You had been thrown at your aunt and uncle when your parents passed. Your aunt and uncle lived in a nice Human only city and you are a ‘filthy half-breed.’

One of the boys in your Archery class found out you had a crush on him so he asked you to meet him by the river. You showed up with wild flowers for him- something your mother told you Wood Elf’s do to show affection. He showed up with your entire class- all of them laughing at you for being stupid enough to believe he liked you and then his future partner beat the shit out of you before throwing you into the rushing water. You wished you hadn’t survived, but a nice family who was tolerant towards Half breeds saved you. Your Aunt and Uncle were pissed. Admittedly, so were you.

They treated you terribly- constantly trying to marry you off to old men who you would turn away with your boorish behavior.

You really thought you had it right this time. Everything felt so natural and right- like you had been made for each other. What did you not pick up on? What did you miss this whole time? How could you have been so blind?

You pick up your bedroll on the way out- you were all going to sleep on the floor of the inn with the rest of the Harpers and Refugees, but you couldn’t pretend you wanted to be near Astarion like he does with you. You aren’t ready to confront him- you aren’t ready for the pretty illusion to be completely shattered and swept under the rug yet. You were just getting used to being someone he loved and now the whole world is crumbling underneath you.

It was barely anything- obviously- so why does it hurt this much?

You find yourself in front of Damon’s metal shop and he’s talking to Karlach. You clear your throat and they both look at you. Karlach suddenly looks concerned when she sees the look on your face.

“Could I sleep above your shop tonight?” You say with a strained voice, “behind the hay? I just… need to be alone.”

“Sure thing- it’s all yours.”

You smile gratefully at him and begin to climb up the ladder.

“Do you want me to tell Fangs, Soldier?”

You can hear the question in her voice. She is your best friend after all.

“No- please don’t,” you smile at her sadly, “I would prefer he doesn’t know where I am.”

Karlach nods in understanding, giving you a sad smile, and you go behind the hay and lay out your bedroll. It smells like him and you don’t know if that’s helping or hurting at this point, but you are mostly too tired to care.

Your heart hurts as you try to find sleep. You throw the crumpled note across the little loft and silently begin to cry.

At least you knew what it felt to give and receive love- even if it was false and unrequited the entire time.

*****************************************

Astarion is barely present for the conversation with the Harper male who is trying to impress him into bed. Astarion is only thinking of you and how much he wants to get this over with so you can find a more secluded spot together. Every morning to every night feels like far too long to wait to have a tender moment with you.

Astarion imagines leaving lingering kisses along your collar bones and your cheeks. He thinks about how he desperately needs to rebraid your hair. It’s been frizzy and unruly from all the fog- the baby hairs sticking out all over the place. He also needs to patch up your armor again- your Meilikki Cleric Armor ripped apart from the events of yesterday.

Mostly though, he wants to spend the off day tomorrow with just you. Astarion wants to find somewhere to hide or even just rent a room so that you can just be in each other’s presence un interrupted by the world. Astarion’s heart glows at the thought of the sexless intimacy you share. He’s so happy it’s not a priority to you- it’s allowed him to do things at his own pace and as he wants to which is very freeing to him.

Astarion had finally admitted to himself that his plan had well and truly failed- he has fallen for you very hard.

He doesn’t know what possessed him to lie to Shadowheart. He mostly just didn’t want to be pressured to leap forward. Astarion isn’t sure if you want to be something real with him and he also doesn’t know if you are hell bent on being a proper noble woman who marries a proper noble man. It would break his heart if you rejected him and Astarion has no desire to feel that way. For now, Astarion will bask in his peaceful ignorance.

The Harper man eventually scowls at Astarion and tells him to fuck off if he isn’t interested. Astarion goes back to Shadowheart with an annoyed look on his face.

“Fine- you win, Cleric,” Astarion scowls, “I have feelings for them. I couldn’t even give that man a moment of my attention because I couldn’t stop thinking about them so if you will excuse me-“

Shadowheart squeals in delight and Astarion rolls his eyes. Astarion walks around the entire inn and property- you are nowhere to be found. Astarion is beginning to become more and more worried. Astarion is pacing out front when Karlach and Dammon come up to the Inn- ready to hit the sack.

“Karlach,” Astarion says, a bit more panicked than he means to, “where is Tav? I’ve been looking for them everywhere and I can’t find them!”

Karlach looks suddenly uncomfortable and like she definitely knows where you are.

“Karlach if you know where Tav is-“

“I do!” She says exasperated, “but they specifically asked that you don’t know and I don’t blame them! You gonna go fuck them and pretend to have feelings for them again for the billionth time?”

Astarion is stock still and horribly confused. What in the hells is she talking about? Karlach shoves a piece of crumpled paper into his hands and shakes her head at him.

“You know- if you are going to fuck with someone’s feelings,” Karlach tries to keep her patience, “maybe don’t pick the nicest person in the room. Honestly Fangs- fuck you. I thought you were better than that.”

Astarion is at a loss for words- which is very rare for him. He slowly unfolds the note- hoping it might put some of the pieces together.

Star,

I have really come to enjoy your company and our time together.

I am quite smitten with you and I’m too nervous to say this out loud, but I would like to be able to call you my partner (in a romantic sense)- if you return my feelings, that is.

If not, no worries. All I want is for you to be happy.

-Tav

The pieces click together like a haunting tune.

You had heard everything that was said between him and Shadowheart. Obviously you didn’t stick around for the important part, but Gods you must be heartbroken.

Astarion has to assume you were hiding somewhere in Damon’s shop if Karlach is the one who knows where you are. He had been avoiding the shop initially so that Karlach could have her privacy with Dammon. Now it’s fair game.

Astarion quickly walks towards the shop and as soon as he enters- his ears pick up your quiet sobbing. Your thoughts are loud and unguarded- his words playing in your head over and over again. You are wondering why you aren’t good enough. Astarion finally sees what you have refused to show him- your parents are long gone, despite the fact that you talk about them as if they are waiting for you to come home. Your Aunt, Uncle, cousins, and an entire society have rejected you, humiliated you, and belittled you. This just happens to be the salt in the wound. You keep looping through the thought of how stupid you are to have missed this of all damn things. How could you even begin to think he would actually want you? Plain, boring, ugly, half-breed Tav.

Oh my Darling, what have I done?

Shadowheart had been teasing him relentlessly ever since you had all arrived back to the safety of Last Light Inn. You had led them all to support Astarion in finding out more about the scars carved into his back. It had been incredibly dangerous and Shadowheart had had to heal him more than usual- he kept putting himself between you and every bomb, warrior, etc. He wanted her to stop- he likes the privacy of his little world with you.

Now he’s demolished that world and your heart in less than an hour. Astarion was actually nervous earlier- realizing how deep his feelings for you are and how much he wants something real with you. He just isn’t close enough with Shadowheart to share those feelings out loud willingly. Astarion is thrilled that you feel the same way, but now he isn’t sure he can convince you that his feelings are genuine and not a giant lie.

Astarion slowly makes his way up the ladder and he hears your sobbing stop- one single sniffle occurring before silence.

“Darling?” he asks quietly.

The air is tense and Astarion feels more nervous than a school boy with a crush. You hiccup.

“Astarion.”

Your voice is strained and cracks- he can hear the effort you put into trying to make your voice sound steady and normal.

You are definitely not happy with him. You usually address him as Star when he first arrives in your orbit.

Astarion takes it as a good sign that you are at least willing to speak with him.

“It’s come to my attention that you may have overheard a conversation without context and without staying until the end,” Astarion says slowly, “I was hoping you might let me explain myself.”

You sit up gingerly, your head bent, and look up at him with puffy, bloodshot eyes. Your bottom lip is swollen- you often worry it between your teeth when you are upset. He doesn’t like when you are upset, but he does love how incredibly delicious it makes your lips look. Your skin is under a veil of tears and your cheeks are stained pink from you rubbing away the sadness from your face. It’s unfair how beautiful a crier you are.

Astarion decides to go against his better judgement and he crawls towards you. You look at him with a guarded expression, but you don’t fight him as he pulls you into his lap- his fingers moving the hair out of your face and wiping the remaining tears from your cheeks.

“Shadowheart was teasing me for being… overly concerned with your safety today,” Astarion begins, “I just didn’t want to- her and I aren’t close enough for me to-“

Astarion huffs in frustration and looks down at the floor momentarily before making direct eye contact with you. He decides to use the tadpole- maybe showing will make more sense than explaining.

Astarion shows you his original intentions of manipulating you- his musings over your beauty, but your aggravating naivety and the annoyance at your persistent kindness. He feels you flinch a little, but your body begins to relax against his as you watch his feelings change. Astarion lets you see all of his jealousy, confusion, fear, and adoration for you. He even lets you see his turmoil during sex. Astarion enjoys himself with you- more than he’s ever enjoyed himself with anyone, but the self-loathing and disgust pose a challenge during intimate moments.

Lastly, Astarion shows you how scared he is to lose you. He lets the feeling consume him and he feels like he’s a rope ready to snap at any moment. His mind wanders to how much he doesn’t ever want to have to miss you- the beautiful moments you have shared together and how much joy you have brought to his life. You make him want to be a better person- well at least in your presence. Astarion would do just about anything for you.

You press your forehead to his and release a relieved sigh. Astarion pulls you in for a deep, tender kiss. The kiss is needy, but not in a sexual way. Astarion needs you to know that he really does adore you- his affections are absolutely not fake.

He finally has to pull back to let you breathe and you wrap your arms around his neck.

“You make me so so happy, Darling,” Astarion whispers tearfully, “I really don’t want to lose you.”

“Star, I adore you for all the sentimental reasons,” your eyes sparkle as you look at him, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Astarion tries not to show how relieved he is, but the way his shoulders slump gives him away.

“We don’t have to have sex, you know,” you say quietly, “I can wait until you are ready. I want you to be happy and feel loved more than anything.”

Astarion is surprised by the choked sob that escapes his lips- pulling you in closer.

“That sounds like a challenge.”

“Yeah well,” you pull back and smile at him, “I triple dog dare you to prioritize your wants and needs first!”

Astarion rolls his eyes at you and tries to hide the grateful tears threatening to spill from his eyes. You are his most favorite person across all the planes. He is so grateful for you, your patience, and how much you try to understand him so that you can support his healing from centuries of abuse.

“Cheeky pup.”

You grin widely, “the cheekiest.”

“Hmmm well,” Astarion slyly smirks, “if we are going to play this childish game…”

You pout, jutting your lower lip out. Astarion places a chaste kiss on your cheek before whispering in your ear.

“I triple dog dare you to be something real with me.”

Astarion’s nerves are going haywire- praying to every God he can think of that you still want to be serious with him.

Your smile could light up the entirety of the Shadow Cursed Lands. You give him a short sweet kiss on the cheek and A kunik*.

“Dare accepted.”

*A kunik means nose kiss in Inuit

[mydearneteyam]

WITH LOVE, GAIA ;; ATWOW

"you've waited in vain because there's nothing for you"

summary ;; memories push you to move forward and start working. far away, someone thinks the same.

warnings/notes (for the series) ;; fem!reader ;; mentions of war, death ;; illegal activities ;; reader is a criminal, an enemy of humanity, traitor to the race, etc ;; avatar!reader ;; death of loved ones ;; late grief ;; etc.

word count ;; 1.7k

word of the series ;; Eywa [ˈɛj.wa] prop.n. world spirit, Gaia

chapter one (you're here)

A soft humming of a song unfamiliar to anyone could be heard around the computers. When Jake peeked out he noticed your presence. He had met a couple of other people in the place, but they didn't seem to hold him in high regard as unlike his brother. While he was thankful he wasn't being wheeled around in the chair to meet every scientist or military person who worked at Hell's Gate.

As he looked in your direction he noticed that you had a couple of things on your desk, unlike other adults, you looked younger, quite a bit. But another feature that set you apart from them was that you had at least three different screens on your desk, almost as if it was a control room just for you. Each one reflected different images or text. On the farthest one, he could tell you had the map of Pandora in full in company with a couple of pieces of information that he assumed as basic as he could as additional information.

“Ah, there you are. Grace informed me you were coming, Jarhead” you addressed him, without even looking at his direction. “What? Too many confusing terms for you?” you laughed a little, turning around in your chair and finally facing him.

“Jarhead? They only called me like that in the military” he laughed a little, stretching out his hand towards you. You nodded, shaking his hand for less than a second, only to go back to checking a couple of things on the screens.

“I call all the idiots like you around here that. I should call them by other names, but well” you muttered the last under your breath and he couldn't help but nod uncomprehendingly, but still, the confused smile on his face didn't leave him.

“Are you talking about the military?”

“I have worse nicknames for scientists” you assured with a forced smile, getting up from your chair and closing a couple of open tabs that were on just one of your computer screens. Soon, you guided your non-dominant arm to the vicinity of your lips.

“May 19, 2154 with lunar time of 10:17 AM, I report the presence of Jake Sully at my desk and the data I am to show him in the company of Norm Spellman before both of them officially become part of the Avatar project. Don't forget to corroborate data in…” you stopped talking and thought for a bit. “Ten hours and forty-three minutes in the company of Colonel Miles Quaritch and Head Administrator Parker Selfridge.” A small beam-which Jake could soon tell was a scanner-scanned first you and then him. He was a little surprised and smiled, cocking his head to one side.

“Do they give those to everyone?” As you walked, he followed as best he could with his chair. He seemed genuinely interested in the machine. You laugh a little and then spoke.

“No.”

You had just finished eating one of the rations that, you felt, you had just stashed away a few hours ago and you looked around, tired and with a headache that was slowly dissipating.

Honestly, you felt a little -a lot- of worry growing in your chest. From the state of the place, it had been at least more than ten years. You prayed somehow that everyone was alive, they should be. Besides that, nothing in those ruins could confirm anything about the date, the computers weren't completely broken, but they did have a couple of plants starting to grow around them. Which seemed strange to you, since there was no way for them to get in without having to wear an exo-pack. Though you were very lucky that by strange things -or by Eywa's will, according to the local natives' words- that animal had allowed you to leave.

Your watch was totally off, but at least in its place, right where you left it before Grace put you to sleep. Wow, with the time that had passed surely she had already found out about the little white lies you had delivered to the military base. Bah! for the time that had passed even your own planet must have been sure of that.

“But I guess you're happy…” you smiled teasingly, looking out the large window to where nature was peeking through. It stretched outside the glass, you also saw some small insects flying around.

After a long time of admiring your surroundings, you sighed. Which option should you take? Because the most emotional one would be to go back to Hell's Gate, but unsure about the time you've missed, you doubted if it was a reliable source right now. And even if it wasn't, it's been a good while where your information wasn't covered up by yourself, so anyone must know about you and your true identity.

“Agh… how stupid of me…” you complained, throwing your head back. “I still don't want to work besides…” you thought, turning to look at a tablet that didn't have any creepers on it. The only reason for taking a cryosleep was laziness to work during the time that Jake Sully had now decided to help the Na'vis, as you were still pretending to be part of the military's team for those times.

“I wish I'd had that idiot's problems… wanting to walk, ending up falling in love with an alien and betraying the race” you complained again, wearily, lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. “I did the last one, though.”

Everything was still spinning around in your head. Yesterday you had hugged Grace for the last time, said goodbye to Trudy, punched Norm in the ribs, and misplaced Jake's chair. Today, you were in complete solitude in that place.

Without a destination. Not knowing what the fuck to do. Ever since you'd arrived on that moon you'd been determined to always be one step ahead of anyone, even your friends, but there was no way you could do that now, not with who knows how much time wasted. Soon, your spotlight came on and much to your dismay, you sat up, running a hand over your face.

“Nothing is impossible for me” you repeated the mantra you used to give your coworkers when you were in front of the computers, walking over to the machines. Yes, most were broken, some not so much, but they were still unusable. You pulled out the tablet of it's place, feeling your eyes light up when it turned on. Soon your face looked annoyed again, as it had no date or time.

“Is there any fucking way to know what date I'm on?” you gave the wall behind you a little kick, checking the data that was available. You seriously wondered if waking up bewildered was something all those idiots expected. Sure, the girl who thought she was the big deal for outwitting the military by waking up not knowing where, or how, or when she was.

“You'll see, Grace… I'm going to cut all your fucking braids out of your avatar when I find you” you growled, checking a couple of things. While it wasn't something as advanced as your computer or your watch, it was something you could work with for now, especially if you wanted to get out of there.

Before long, you managed to get few of the technologies in the place up and running. You had to take a bit of a breath for that, as it meant that if Hell's Gate had been taken over by the military, they could track you.

“Okay, and now the only thing I could put in any of this junk” a simple double-location. It gave exactly the same spot on the other side of the planet. A little trick you had managed to install before you went to sleep, just in case. Yes, you couldn't get ahead by a few years, but you could give yourself a boost from the past with basic things.

“Now, if I have everything correct… and if Max is still alive…” you ran your fingers over the touchpad, hoping to see at least just a single red dot on the whole big vast map.

“What's this for?” asked Max, looking at the watch you had just left on his desk.

“To combine, obviously” you smiled, as you walked out of the labs.

Yes, it hadn't been just for that. Being the most loyal, you knew perfectly well that just by knowing Max's location, you'd have a little bit of information. And what kind of person wouldn't you be if you hadn't put a tiny little tracker on him?

You smiled at the idea and soon, a couple of hours away, as reflected by the tablet, there was a blinking dot. In a recognized location.

"Yes!"

You couldn't help but take a deep breath after the happy second, hoping that the military hadn't stolen that stupid watch.

“How angry I'd be if that asshole gave it away.”

...

“Hey… guys” the female voice of one of the few humans left on Pandora caused both the Olo'eyktan of the Omaticaya, Jake Sully and his friend, Norm Spellman to turn from the maps they were reviewing to where that woman was directing them. They followed her finger to the screen.

“What's going on?” questioned Jake, adjusting his eyes to check what she was pointing at. There were two new blinking dots on the map.

"It just activated. There's another one at the same point on the other side of the moon. Do you think they're military?” observed Norm, scratching his chin a little anxiously. That would be a big problem.

"No, no. This point is next to the cloud forests, remember? If there were military they'd be dead by now or we'd have gotten the word from the nearby clans. On the other side, it's the barren areas, but there's nothing there” Jake pointed first to the first spot that activated and then moved the map, pursing his lips. The first little light was around the intimidating forest and the oldest trees in all of Pandora bred, the other was in a dead space.

"M-maybe it's just a coincidence" the only woman there smiled, trying to avoid a tense atmosphere.

But nothing in Pandora is a coincidence. And Jake knew it.

"I'll send some warriors over there. There must be something in that place”.

previous｜ next

a/n ;; i struggled a lot to get this chapter out, but i'm glad I did!! i have a couple ideas ready before (reader) meets the characters and all that because i'd like to explore pandora a bit more -actually just my hc- and as always, sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language ! would you prefer that the mc has a nickname instead of using (reader) or you prefer just that? i'll read you, love y'all <3

[cuddlepilefics]

“I’m fine” - juneofdoom day 18

Fandom: Seventeen

Sickie: Jihoon

Caregivers: Seungcheol

Prompt: headache @juneofdoom

Tw: emeto

No one’s POV.:

Late nights at the studio were Jihoon’s thing. At least, that was what the producer tried to convince himself of as he punched in the code to unlock his studio. They had just finished a group dance practice session and while the members headed to their respective dorms, Jihoon had a couple more hours of work before him. His sweaty practice clothes still clung to his skin and he shivered when the air-conditioning blew a cold gust of wind down on him. Yeah, he should change into some clean clothes first even if his shower would have to wait till he’d get home. This was neither the first, nor would it be the last time, so Jihoon had prepared a sports bag filled with clean clothes and snacks, which he always kept at the studio for nights like this.

Feeling a little less disgusting now that he was wearing something clean, Jihoon plopped down in his seat and winced. The impact had sent waves of pain through his skull, reminding him of the headache he had been nursing since shortly after lunch. With a heavy sigh, he leant against the backrest and waited for his computer to load the last track he had been working on. The shrill ringing of his phone cut through his tired haze and he sluggishly picked the device up, already rolling his eyes when he realized it was Seungcheol calling. The leader would probably scold him for working late, despite knowing full well that their groups success depended on it.

“I just realized, I didn’t see you leave with the others”, Seungcheol stated neutrally. Massaging the spot between his brows, Jihoon muttered: “Nice observation, hyung.” – “Are you working late again?”, the older frowned. Jihoon furrowed his brows. If he didn’t leave the company building yet, what else would he be doing there? “Nah, not today, hyung”, the producer hummed, “Some of the decorative plants in the hallway on the studio floor looked a little wilted yesterday, so I thought I’d stop by today to check on them. Maybe they need some more water or just somebody talking to them.”

Jihoon wasn’t sure whether the call had disconnected or if he had just stunned Seungcheol into silence. That question was answered when the leader cleared his throat and muttered: “Those are plastic plants, please don’t water them.” Jihoon dropped his pounding head into his hands and waited for his hyung to say anything else. He knew it was disrespectful to be this sarcastic when Seungcheol only wanted to check on him but he was tired, his head hurt and he had no patience for people stating the obvious. “Are you okay?”, the leader finally asked, “Either you’re upset with me or you’re so out of it that you’re hallucinating and actually want to talk to those fake plants.” – “I’m fine”, Jihoon sighed, “No, I am not upset with you, just frustrated and no, I do not want to talk to those plants. Hyung, I don’t enjoy staying late either, so if you don’t mind, let me please get to work because the sooner I start, the sooner I’ll be done.” – “Sorry”, Seungcheol hummed, “I just didn’t think you’d go tonight. You looked really exhausted earlier and if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve guessed you have a headache.”

Realizing how genuinely concerned the older way, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel guilty. He bit his lip and admitted: “Yeah, I have a headache and I am pretty tired but I’m fine, I just need some caffeine. There’s still some coke in the mini fridge, which should get me through the next couple of hours and then I’ll take the shower I’m craving right now.” Seungcheol knew there was no point in arguing and felt a little guilty himself because he knew that their group had only made it this far thanks to Jihoon’s hard work. His dongsaeng was struggling, that much was obvious and it shouldn’t be all on his shoulders. As the leader, Seungcheol felt that it should be his burden to carry but what could he do? He might check on Jihoon in and hour or two to see whether he was heading back though it might get on the producer’s nerves, Seungcheol wanted to make sure that by “the next couple hours” Jihoon wasn’t talking about five hours. It wasn’t like he hadn’t pulled that on previous occasions.

When the call ended, Jihoon muted his phone. He couldn’t afford anymore disturbances because he really wanted to get home soon. The headache was bothering him more than he wanted to admit and finally got himself a bottle of coke, hoping the caffeine fix would take the edge off and make him a little more functional. At least, he wouldn’t have to fight for his turn to shower because everyone else would be asleep by the time he’d get home.

A shudder ran down his back as he took the first sip, the drink so cold that the bottle was immediately covered in little droplets of condensation. Even if the caffeine wouldn’t kick in fast enough to wake him up, the cold surely did, so hr immediately got to work, trying to ignore how badly the screen made his eyes burn. Eager to ease his headache, Jihoon drank his coke quickly and retrieved a second bottle, despite the goosebumps covering his arms. The liquid sloshed uncomfortably in his stomach but he was too tired to care, stifling a breathy burp behind his fist. Ugh, fizzy drinks…. Unable to get his tired mind to focus, the producer quickly lost track of time, frustrated because his work was slow-going.

By the time he had finished up his second bottle of coke, Jihoon’s stomach was more than just a little upset gurgling audibly when he shifted in his seat trying to find a somewhat comfortable position. Not wanting to take any chances, the producer had even pulled the waste bin from under his desk, keeping it right next to his chair for quick access. He tried to burp in hopes of alleviating some of the pressure in his stomach but it only left a sour taste on his tongue, making him feel queasier by the minutes. Unable to stand the pain any longer, Jihoon saved his work and shut off the screen, which immediately dimmed the room a bit, allowing him to rest his eyes. He crossed his arms on the desk and laid his head on them. Taking slow deep breaths, Jihoon tried to quell the rising nausea. He was too tired to deal with being sick right now.

Jihoon didn’t get much of say in that though, soon finding himself burping over the waste bin. A sharp gag sent flashes of pain through his skull and he broke into a sweat despite feeling chilled to the bone. Choking up two large waves of coke, Jihoon could only cradle his head and try to ride out the pain as time seemed to stretch on endlessly. His stomach kept churning and he teared up a little when he lifted his head to glance at the clock. It had already gotten so freaking late without him actually having achieved much, so this misery hadn’t even really been worth it. The heaves just wouldn’t seem to stop, though Jihoon barely managed to bring anything up anymore. He allowed himself a few quiet tears as he leant back in his seat, trying to recover.

His phone cut through the silence like a knife and Jihoon had to suppress the urge to cover his ears and reject the call. Hadn’t he made it clear that he didn’t want to be bothered? Gritting his teeth, the producer picked up the call, his shoulders slumping when he heard Seungcheol’s soft voice on the other end of the line. Suddenly, Jihoon couldn’t be upset over the disturbance anymore, his resolve crumbling when the leader asked him if he was still okay and if he was planning to head home soon.

Seungcheol had fully expected another snappy “I’m fine!”, so when the younger weakly muttered: “I-I, I dunno, hyung”, he immediately knew that something was seriously wrong. He was already putting on his shoes when he promised Jihoon: “I’ll come pick you up. Already heading out. Just wait for me, yeah?” The producer hummed hoarsely voice strained from throwing up. At least, he wouldn’t have to figure out hos to get his sorry ass home.

Jihoon drifted in and out of sleep as he rested his head on his arms, so he had no idea how long it had been since their call and couldn’t even be certain if the call had happened or if his hazy mind had made it up. A gentle hand on his back woke him and he almost teared up again when he found his hyung standing over him. “Why didn’t you mention being sick?”, Seungcheol asked quietly, pulling the other’s long hair out of his face to get a proper look at him. Sitting up with a groan, Jihoon rasped: “Don’t think I’m sick sick. Probably just pushed myself too hard and drank too much coke to make me function. My stomach wasn’t happy about it at all and my head’s still killing me.” – “I mean, you don’t have a fever”, the leader hummed, palm resting flat against Jihoon’s forehead, “You certainly do look awful though. How does your stomach feel now?” – “Still meh but I don’t think I’m seconds away from puking anymore”, the producer breathed.

Seungcheol had gotten him some water to sip on, while the leader took out the trash and packed up his things. “My brother’s out of town this week, so I could take you home with me”, Seungcheol offered, already slinging his dongsaeng’s bag over his shoulder, “I could also drive you back to your dorm but I figured you might want to be miserable in peace.” – “God, yes please”, Jihoon muttered, making the older laugh. “Just hyung is fine”, the leader joked, offering the other his arm, “Come on, up you go. I bet you’re still craving that shower you were talking about earlier. You can go and wash up as soon as we get there and I’ll fetch you some medicine and a set of comfortable clothes to borrow.”

A pained sound slipped from Jihoon’s lips as he struggled to his feet, vision growing fuzzy for a few seconds. He clung to Seungcheol’s shoulder, the leader ready to pick up the bin in case he needed to be sick again. “You good?”, the older asked worriedly, holding onto Jihoon’s arms. Giving a weak nod, the other forced out: “I’m fine. Let’s get going because I really am craving that shower. Gosh, I feel disgusting.” Seungcheol rolled his eyes at his dongsaeng’s persistence to claim he was fine when they both knew the truth but he saw no point in arguing. Linking their arms, the leader guided Jihoon to the car and settled him in the passenger seat with a plastic shopping bag in his lap though he prayed it wouldn’t be needed.

Luckily, it wasn’t. They did manage to reach their destination but no sooner than the car came to a halt, Jihoon threw open the door and immediately coughed up a few mouthful of bile. Switching off the engine, Seungcheol leant over and patted the younger’s back. It was hard to believe that Jihoon was only overworked and not really sick but he always pushed his body beyond its limits, so maybe overworking could leave someone this miserable. “Let’s get you upstairs. Can you walk or do you want to get on my back?”, the leader offered. He doubted that Jihoon would be comfortable with being carried but he also didn’t look like he had the energy to walk.

After a tense moment of silence Jihoon rasped: “Never mention this to anyone ever.” Seungcheol had to suppress a chuckle because the younger looked like a baby kitten attempting to seem intimidating. “I won’t”, the leader promised as he rounded the car, “Here, try to step around it and climb onto my back.” Almost tripping over his own feet, Jihoon stumbled and crashed into his hyung’s chest. The older didn’t comment on it though and carefully pulled him onto his back.

Gently pushing Jihoon towards the bathroom, Seungcheol hummed: “Go wash up. I’ll bring you a fresh set of clothes.” He had already talked to hi brother on the phone and got permission to sleep on his room, so he could give his own bed to Jihoon. After placing sweatpants and an oversized hoodie onto the sink, Seungcheol set his room up with fresh sheets and a lined trashcan, leaving a bottle of water on the nightstand. He really wanted to offer Jihoon some painkillers for his headache but they weren’t supposed to be taken on an empty stomach and he couldn’t imagine the younger being able to stomach anything right now. An icepack for his forehead would have to do.

Seungcheol was already waiting with an icepack and a cup of ginger tea when Jihoon sleepily shuffled from the bathroom. “Hey, I made tea to settle your stomach. Didn’t think painkillers would do your stomach any favor right now, so I thought we could try the icepack first”, the older explained, handing Jihoon the cup, “I moved my stuff to my brother’s room, so you’ll be staying in my room to night. Let’s go to bed now, yeah? You look wiped.” – “You shouldn’t have to stay in your brother’s room, hyung. I could just take the couch”, the younger mumbled but was shushed softly. “He’s fine with it and I don’t mind either”, Seungcheol smiled, “Our couch might look fancy but it’s not really comfortable. You’d be really sore tomorrow, which I can imagine you already are, so we shouldn’t make it worse.”

That wasn’t really what Jihoon jad wanted to hear, so he whispered: “Hyung, I- I don’t want to be alone tonight.” – “Oh”, Seungcheol stammered, having expected anything but that. He wrapped his arm around the younger’s waist, knowing that whatever he might say would only make it awkward, so he just led his dongsaeng to his room and waited for him to crawl under the covers. “You should try to have a few sips of tea. You’ve been throwing up a lot and I don’t want you to get dehydrated. There’s also water if you’d rather have something flavorless”, Seungcheol hummed, relieved when Jihoon accepted a few small sips of tea, “Let’s go to sleep now, yeah? There’s a bucket next to the bed and I’ll be right here. You van wake me for anything.” He carefully climbed into bed next to his friend and smiled when the younger curled up against him, finally getting some rest. Jihoon would be fine.

[somewhat-very-insane]

questions i am sick and tired of hearing as a chronically ill and disabled person (and why i hate them)

this did wind up a bit longer than i expected it to, but by all means, feel free to add on with any questions you hate to be asked (and why!)

abled people, please do refrain from overtaking this post, and, disabled people, please do refrain from making this post entirely about any one specific condition.

"do you really have to talk about being disabled all the time?"

yes. yes i do. i promise that however annoying it is for you to have to endure the absolute agony that must be me making an offhand comment, or, on occasion, maybe actually talking about something that affects me for more than a few minutes at once, it is infinitely more "annoying" for me to have to actually live with the issues i talk about for every second of every day of my whole life. when i stop talking, you don't have to think about it anymore. but i always have to think about it. you get to put your full focus on something else, or, if the conversation is that annoying for you, you can leave! nobody is forcing you to stay. but talking about my problems is the only way i can get any support for them, and even when i stop, they are still there. i cannot "step away" from the figurative "conversation" with my pain. it is always talking to me, whether it be just a small whisper in the background or screaming at the top of its lungs in my ears, that pain is always there. so, while it's unfortunate that you are getting "tired of hearing about it," please do understand that i got tired of experiencing it a long, long time ago; do not destroy my one way to speak about my experiences solely because you do not wish to be made uncomfortable by them.

"do you really need that pain medication? won't you get addicted?"

in response to that, let me ask you this: do you really need that water you're drinking? aren't you afraid you'll get addicted to drinking water? it sounds ridiculous, i am aware. but i will break it down for you, now (as, in my mind, it is an adequate comparison). every human being needs things like safe, clean water, food, and some form of shelter to survive. however, the majority of humans can survive adequately with a reasonable amount of these items and will be able to function without major pain or other symptoms that detract from their general quality of life. some people, like myself, can have our basic needs of food, water, and shelter met, yet still experience major (or minor) pain, which cannot be blamed on a lack of rest, hunger, or thirst. therefore, in order to function the way society expects us to, and in order to not be quite as utterly miserable as we otherwise would, we may rely on other, stronger medications than the average person would, to manage that pain. these medications are medically prescribed, and we therefore have every right to utilize the resources provided to us. if i were to simply stop taking certain "non-necessary" medications, while my body would technically continue to function with the aid of my "necessary" medications, i as a person would not be able to function. imagine, if you will, the worst headache, joint pain, cramp, or other temporary ailment you have ever experienced. that probably wasn't a very enjoyable experience for you, was it? but you might've been able to use some ibuprofen or acetaminophen, maybe a heating pad, and after a little while it got better. now imagine if you tried to use those same things but the pain did not get better; imagine that pain lasting for months, even years on end, which you simply could not get rid of. a pain which you were expected to simply pretend was not bothering you, and continue to function the same way as everyone else, who was not in pain, was capable of. surely, in this hypothetical, you would want the (perfectly safe, legal, usually non-addictive) medicine that could make that pain even a little bit less excruciating? even if you knew that the pain would never fully disappear, not really, you would still want it to be less. so, i will take my medications, and leave you with the freedom to choose what you put in your body, just as i deserve the same freedom over mine.

"have you tried just exercising? eating healthier? meditation?"

the short answer is, for almost every disabled person i know, yes. though, granted that you've come this far, i'm sure you are prepared for the long answer, too. exercise can, for some conditions, help to alleviate or lessen certain symptoms. the key thing to note here, though, is that the exercise must be safe and selected specifically for the person based on how it may negatively affect them, as well. even activities that most able-bodied people regard as minor, such as going on a walk, can be draining, nausea-inducing, painful, and outright miserable for some people. i cannot, personally, go on a fifteen-minute walk on flat, paved terrain, in very pleasant weather, without triggering dozens of sensations that would surely make any healthy person worry that they were dying. when i tried to pick up an exercise regimen without professional help, i made my health several times worse. taking the advice of people who were, sometimes, genuinely trying to help, put me in serious danger. even when i did have a team of three doctors working on a plan for me, it took several rounds of trying and failing before we were able to determine what activities i could safely do, and which would be beneficial to me. now, being told to "just eat healthier" particularly irks me, because what foods i have to eat to maintain a more "healthy" balance of sugars, sodium, protein, and fat in my system varies quite a bit from that which a healthy person might be told is the ideal. i do understand that, generally, a low-sodium, lower-fat, mainly natural-sugar, high-protein diet sounds healthiest to a large percentage of people, the same cannot be said for myself. i have been told, by numerous medical specialists, that it is absolutely necessary for me to consume high amounts of sodium (think: eating salty food and snacks, on top of an electrolyte drink and salt pill every morning). i also deal with highly fluctuating blood sugar, which doctors cannot yet explain why it suddenly plummets (no, it is not diabetes, yes, i have been asked this dozens of times). as a result, i will often have to eat something "unhealthy," such as fruit snacks or a similar gummy candy, to get my blood sugar back up. is a high-sugar, high-salt intake diet generally what outsiders will see as healthy? of course not. but, as these are things i have to do to specifically manage my symptoms, it is always frustrating to be told that maybe they are symptoms i experience because of my diet. they are not. as for the types of people who insist that simply doing a guided meditation session each day can cure me of my dozens of health conditions, you are simply incorrect. while some people may experience a temporary psychosomatic alleviation of their pain in response to practicing mindfulness techniques, no one should ever urge another human being to substitute life-saving medication with guided breathing and essential oils. the two are simply not on the same level, and meditation does not, cannot, and will not help every disabled person deal with their symptoms.

"aren't you too young to be so unhealthy?"

no. and, while i do wish that people would not press further when faced with such a simple, clear-cut response, some people simply cannot grasp the idea that anyone under forty-five could possibly deal with any sort of health complications. people can be unhealthy at any age; even infants can have heart conditions, after all. while old age certainly has a higher correlation with deteriorating health, it is certainly not a reason to believe that, therefore, anyone who is not old cannot have poor health. believe me, i do wish that whenever someone older told me that i really am just overthinking things and lying to all my doctors and somehow faking things like MRI and X-ray results, those problems simply disappeared. unfortunately, things do not work that way, and by saying things like that not only do you invalidate the experiences of countless ill individuals, you (deliberately or not) paint us as bad people, when all we want to do is survive.

[sillyguy99]

* don't look now, but i lost my shoe.

(Undertale Sans x Reader)

Chapter One: * what's with these homies, dissin' my girl?

[Index | Next]

Notice:

(This story is nearly 5 years old, and though it doesn't show my best work, I decided to post it, just because I stopped it at chapter 18, when there were only 2 more chapters left to finish it. So... I'm gonna give it another shot – making minor edits to make the plot less dramatic and angsty, lol.)

(***Also, since Tumblr has a more limited format: italic texts are from you, the reader, and bold texts are from others.)

• • • • •

You've changed.

The best thing your boss did was to give you that warning.

You shouldn't keep working for the law if you're just gonna be a traitor.

How am I a traitor?

You work 9 to 5, sometimes 8 to 6, for the benefit of monsters.

Now, all of a sudden, our sex life goes down the drain.

I haven't slept with you since you got that promotion, and that was two whole months ago.

I'm supposed to be your husband, but you've left me in the dry.

I'm tired.

And I refuse to sleep with someone who won't support me in my new job.

Or should I remind you said I wasn't a real detective?

That my degree's 'worth shit', simply because of the field I'm working in these days?

               The rest is an ongoing, fruitless conversation you can't bother yourself with.

               Through reading those texts for what has to be the twentieth time today, you sigh, hiccup, and close your eyes tight, lifting your face slightly to avoid letting tears fall. 

               Barely two hours are left until he comes home to drop off your child, and the mere thought that you have to sleep with him five hours after that makes your stomach twist and churn. You don't want to imagine him naked: panting, heavy, and on top of you again, doing whatever he pleases with little regards to your own limits. Nausea takes over – violent, making you open your eyes and suppress a gag.

               You really, really don't want anything to do with him anymore.

               Yet, he insists you should remain married until your child reaches their eighteenth birthday.

               “At least wait until they're grown up,” he said. “Cuz what's six more years? Be honest with me.” Then, he chuckled. “As ugly as you frown when you see me, I doubt you hate me that much.”

               That had been a year ago.

               Would you really have to wait five more years until your freedom?

               The thought sends chills down your spine.

               While he was a good father, that adjective didn't really fit next to husband. 

               At the beginning of your marriage, yes – he was the best spouse you could ask for.

               Now?

               You'd rather eat drywall than have to spend a single second near him – without your child around, of course.

               With your newest agreement, it felt more as if your husband were a client, his payment being not making your life hell, and your service what he claimed was something a wife should be willing to give twenty-four seven.

               You shake your head and search for a distraction amongst the people surrounding the bar, aware you can only end up worse if you continue to dwell on the subject. The air presses down on you hot and heavy, a feeling that only increases the more time you stay seated without doing anything for your growing aches. Your sole companion is your mind when you realize you're too overcome with emotions to talk to someone without scaring them off. Chatter drowns out coherent thinking and sensory overload begins to show by how difficult breathing becomes. Seeking an escape route, you hold the bartender back with a raised hand and an 'excuse me'. Then, you ask him for some bottled water – the only kind he could touch willingly. Small embers flutter around the air as he turns around, leaving you alone with burning cheeks and a pounding headache. 

               Groaning, you pinch the bridge of your nose and blink through your blurry vision. Then, you adjust your glasses – despite knowing the excess shots have pretty much screwed you over already. The hour marked on your phone surfaces a sigh. How fast time seems to be going makes you notice you currently only have around an hour left before your husband arrives with your child. They would be staying with you while he went off to work, and the least you wanted was to look washed up for his arrival.

               "need somethin' else, pal?"

               You jolt at the new voice, deep and hearty.

               Reluctantly, you cast your gaze up to see a skeleton monster standing behind the counter, now glossy with polish. His face is tough to make out with the blurriness, yet you can tell he's looking at you. From the way he stands behind the counter and the stuffy look his suit gives off with its pristine and exaggerated formality, you figure he's a new employee. His newbie appearance doesn't erase the warm and welcoming aura most bartenders appear to carry by default, however. Instead, it makes his smile and words more genuine in his approach.

               It takes you a while to respond aside from shaking your head – mind hazy and disoriented. You thank him and sweep the water bottle off the counter, then turn the lid open, breathe in deep, and take a series of long, greedy gulps. Finally, you set it back down, more than half of it already gone.

               One more screw up, and you were out of your job at the law department for good.

               It doesn't help that you're currently hanging out at a place strictly and utterly forbidden by your boss: a hole-in-the-wall bar and grill establishment open to all, kept family-friendly during the day and becoming more daring during the night. It has been long since you ever drank alcohol of any sort, and it's beginning to show. You can hardly sit without tumbling pitifully to the side.

               “hey.”

               You're snapped back toward reality through the feeling of someone resting their arms over the counter, facing you and waiting for your return. 

               You frown and look up from the water bottle to see the same skeleton – his previous stuffy appearance appearing more natural now that he's taken off his tie and left two of the shirt's buttons unfastened.

               "i’m no expert on humans, but you look like you could use someone to talk to."

               You feel hazy again.

               And whether due to the drinks or the heat, you're not too certain of.

               But – right now – you're positive about one thing. 

               “U- Um…”

               As you wipe a tear off your cheek and burst out half a sob and half a laugh, you realize you really could use someone to talk to.

               “Thank you.”

[sugawhaaa]

Felix x reader Part. 1

"Im just doing my job."

💄Warnings::foul language used

🍦genre::fluff, non idol AU, one bed trope, slow burn

🌙pairing::security guard!Felix x famous!fem!reader

🏷A/N:: at first this idea seemed kinda cringe but now that I'm writing it I'm like, omg...also the next (estimated) 2 parts won't be as long (hopefully) because I had to introduce you to the world of this fanfic 😭

Your father is a worldwide famous actor that is constantly working. He may as well be royalty based on the way he's treated at work. Meanwhile your mother is a kpop artist that is still producing as a soloist. The three of you lived in basically a mansion of a house. All your life you've been harassed by cameras and interviewers, you willingly go to interviews but getting harassed at airports? Not so much. You understand the fact that at interviews all they're going to be asking you about is your parents but it always seems to be that as soon as anyone hears about your parents being well your parents they flip.

Comments such as "really you look nothing like them!" Or "gosh you must be so young!" Get hurtful and repetitive. 

But nothing is worse than getting bothered at your own house. You'll be eating dinner when there's people peeking through the windows or recording you getting changed at night. Your parents became aware of these creeps and stalkers and gave you, what they call, an assistant. His name? Lee Yongbok is his Korean name but he prefers being called Felix when not in business. He's very kind and generous but his speech seems to be limited when it comes to you and he's very stern and serious.

You can't help but feel bad for him. He has just as busy a schedule that you do and sometimes he does chores for you. He stays cool and calm and says it's nothing but is it really? He gets tired and often gets headaches. You offer him medicine but he refuses and uses his hands to massage his head instead. Felix often spends late nights with you and babysits you when your parents are out to simply enjoy themselves or do something for work.

Since you are now 18 years of age you've been thinking. What am I going to do with life? 

Ever since you were only a kid people asked you what your plans for your future are but they always give you two options. As an example an interviewer would ask "what are your plans for the future? Do you want to follow your mother's footsteps or your fathers?" You always try to explain in a kind way that both sound like promising futures but it might not be for you. Then they'll ask "Oh what else do you have in mind then?" 

Your honest answer? I don't know. But you have to give fans and TV more of an answer than that. You always bullshit it and come up with some random career and go with that. 

People also often ask about your school life, but ever since about 4th grade you've been home schooled. By a professional of course. Your parents wouldn't want anything less. Your teacher's name was Namjoon. He was very witty and knowledgeable about anything and everything. He was quick and knew lots about other countries, he's explored a vast amount of countries and often tells you about them. Felix isn't often around when Namjoon is but you just know that Felix would love him! Felix was born in Australia and Namjoon has been there on multiple occasions so they'd get along well. 

As of right now it's mid may, close to June and you are so done with schooling. Only about two months left and you're done. For a while. But there's also traveling, interviews for jobs and TV, hotel rooms, stalkers, busy cities, waiting around the hotel while your parents film or talk business with their staff. Felix usually doesn't come with you on these trips so it gets extra boring real quick. You're in all these different places around the world but you don't get even 5 seconds to enjoy it before getting dragged to a hotel or filming set. 

Today you woke up kind of late, around 10 am, and you instantly grabbed your phone to wake yourself up. You scrolled through some YouTube shorts when you saw a thumbnail for a short video. It mentioned your mother so you kept on reading the title and it said "M/N L/N caught cheating on husband! (She's been married to D/N for 13 years!!!)"

You rolled your eyes "it's been 14 years actually." you thought to yourself. You turned off your phone and hauled yourself out of bed and slipped on your shark slippers. You stretched and headed for the bathroom just down the hall from your room. When you opened your door you heard some cooking sounds from the kitchen downstairs and a delicious smell of bacon and eggs. Smells like moms cooking. 

You used the washroom and as you were washing your hands you looked up into the mirror to see your awful bed head. Right…you went to bed with wet hair last night. You dried off your hands and when you opened the door you heard your mother call your name. You went over to the indoor balcony in your house and looked down to see your mother "Yes?" You called out. 

"C'mere I have something important to tell you," you looked shocked and went down the nearby staircase. You rubbed your eyes as you went over to your mother in her pink house coat and cat slippers. "There's a slight change in plans. We're leaving for Australia today!" She said with a bright smile as she flipped an egg. You smiled with her.

"When do we leave!" You said basically jumping.

"1 pm!" She grinned as your jaw dropped.

"That's in four hours!" You freaked as your mom nodded. 

"I already made you an Australian breakfast," she smiled as she handed you a plate. You thanked her and gave her a kiss on the cheek before running to your room. You had nearly nothing packed! You were supposed to leave in roughly four days so you had like one outfit planned. It had a beret, long sleeve white dress, burnt pranced sweater and some basic sneakers.

Other than that you had nothing! You ate your breakfast really fast and got all the necessities. Hair brush, tooth brush, hair clips, make-up, skincare, pads, extra change of under garments, meds, bandaids everything! Time for clothes and hair accessories. You checked the time and only an hour had passed but your phone was at 18%! 

Ugh could anything else go wrong today?! 

You plugged in your phone and started putting outfits together. You finished all the clothing in about 30 minutes, not too bad considering. You then got in the shower and did your 50 step routine. At the end you relaxed a bit in the warm water but only 2 minutes into relaxation the water got cold. That doesn't happen too often but everyone's probably showering right now. You dried off and did some simple skin care before you ran into your mother in the hallway. 

"Whoa dear, relax." She giggled before taking a deep breath, she influenced you to do the same and you copied her. After a few deep breaths your mother oh'd. "I forgot to tell you," she said after hugging you. You looked at her with a confused and curious look. "Mr. Yongbok is coming with us!" She clapped and your face lit up. 

"Oh! He's gonna love that!" You said happily when your mother got a notification on her watch. She whipped out her wrist to check what it said and you quickly looked at the time on her watch. "12:13!? Damn I'm doing pretty good on time," you smirked before saying bye to your mother and going back to your room to keep packing. You packed some things that you might not need as much as you played some upbeat music. Bathing suit, housecoat, slippers, fidget toys, you know all the things that are kinda unnecessary to have a good time. You then dried your hair, styled it and did some simple but cute makeup. Then it hit you.  

"I don't have an outfit to wear today!" 

You put together a comfy yet cute outfit and finally got to sit down and relax on your phone but time goes by fast. Soon it was time to start heading for the airport. 

You and your family brought everything out to your big black car. One of your mother's staff was going to be driving you all there and helping with luggage. 

When you arrived at the airport you managed to spot Yongbok in the crowd. His long sandy hair covered his eyes as he looked down at his phone. You went over to him and he looked up before a squishy smile appeared on his face. You two chatted while sitting on a bench in a private section. The adults all discussed important matters while you and Felix talked about a video game you were playing on your phone.

"So they're all cookies…?" He questioned as he leaned in to see your phone screen.

"Yup!" You nodded as the cookies on your phone battled. 

"And they fight for their kingdom that you are in charge of?" He tilted his head as he looked at your focused eyes. You nodded again while humming. Your plane was then called to board, you and Felix got all of your things together and got on the plan. You were in first class today and this was Felix's first time up here. He embarrassingly asked a lot of questions during the whole flight. You thought it was cute but he found it embarrassing.

"Oh I've never asked you before," you started, catching Felix's attention. "How old are you?"

"Oh I'm twenty," he chuckled before putting a black mask on. 

"Really!?" You said with pure shock. "You look so much younger…" you looked at him intensely.

"How old did you think I was!?" He laughed "I am technically your security guard. I wouldn't really be in this position if I wasn't at least 18." He made a good point. But still he looked so young and handsome. You laid back in your comfy seat and closed your eyes with a sigh. "Tired?" Felix whispered in that deep, steady voice of his. He was so close to your ear and it made the butterflies in your stomach go wild. 

"Mhm" you nodded before relaxing your face again. Felix let you rest on the way to Australia. 

°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○

You woke up to Felix calling your name and gently shaking your arm. You woke up confused as fuck. "What? What?" You groaned as you looked around the plane.

"We're almost there, I just wanted to make sure you were awake enough when we got there," he said before handing you some water. You drank it, the cold liquid going down your dry throat. Your lips popped off the lid and you took a breath. You nodded and handed it to Felix. He took it and set it away again.

"Are you excited to be back home?" You smiled at him.

"Of course." You saw his eyes smile just above his mask. "Are you?" He said as his fluffy hair turned your way. 

"I love Australia. I think it's a beautiful place, other than the spiders," you said, making Felix chuckle. "But I hardly ever get to go out and see these places we visit." You said sadly.

"Oh? Why?" Felix seemed to misunderstand this entire trip. Maybe he thought he was going to be able to see the old parks he went to and old restaurants he went to. Hopefully he isn't too upset.

"Well…" you gestured for him to lean closer to you. "My parents don't usually let me go out. They usually leave me in the hotel while they're out and about." You whispered in his ear so your parents wouldn't hear you talking bad about their treatment towards you. Felix looked surprised and disappointed. 

"Hopefully we can go out and just hang about!" He smiled with his eyes again. You nodded before going back to looking out the window. 

"Oh we're almost there!" You said pointing your finger at the window. 

After you all landed on the safe Australian land Felix took a deep breath and took in the landscape. 

"You and your parents know English right?" Felix mumbled as he leaned over to you.

"Um the basics?" You shrugged. Felix face palmed and went to go talk to your parents, leaving your side empty. They talked a lot and worked out a plan and after an s-class car ride to your 5 star hotel you finally got to feel the comfort of a soft squishy bed. But before that…

"I think we should divide the rooms by two. You and Felix go in one and me and D/N will go in the other," your mom smiled and everyone agreed. You arrived on the 5th floor and found your room. Felix opened it and let you in first. You jumped on the bed and soaked in the soft sheets. You let out a deep sigh.

"So comfy~" you said as you cuddled up in the blankets. When Felix walked in with both of your bags he scanned the room. His eyes landed upon this little bench by the window. There was something weird about it, he bent down to look at it. He pulled off one of the cushions and found a camera. He kicked it extremely hard, shattering it and shooting the pieces all across the room. You instantly sat up and looked at the mess he had made. He started picking up the pieces of glass and plastic. You got off the bed to help him. 

"Careful." He said standing up and putting a hand in front of you. "There's glass." He said before bending back down to clean it up. 

"I'm literally wearing shoes," you laughed.

"Still don't wanna risk my princess getting hurt," 

You blushed at what he just called you. Not only princess but HIS princess. Your heart fluttered as you sat on the bed, cheeks hot. "S-sorry." He blushed as he swept up the glass with a little hand broom from the bathroom. "I used to call my little sister that and you remind me of her so it kinda slipped out…" he explained.

"Don't worry I liked it," you said with a wave of your hands. An awkward silence fell upon the room. Thankfully a knock on the door broke the silence. Felix immediately shot up and headed for the door. "I'll get it." You said putting your hand up to his chest to stop him in his tracks.

"What if it's a creep?"

"Felix. It's fine."

"There was already a camera in here."

You rolled your eyes and opened the door. It was just a staff member bringing your extra luggage. You thanked him with a bow and started taking out some of your luggage. Meanwhile Felix checked all the mirrors for cameras and made sure everything was safe. 

Your parents then messaged you saying they were going to a meeting and you were free to roam around with Felix. Your face lit up. 

"Felix, Felix, Felix!" You said jumping up off the bed and over to him, your phone in hand. He turned to you. "My mom said we can go roam around as long as we stay near the hotel!" You basically jumped with excitement and Felix's face lit up as well. "But I'm kind of tired…" you said with disappointment.

"It's okay," Felix said as he put his strong, boney hands on your bare shoulders. "There's an ice cream shop just down the street from here. It's really good and the staff are always very friendly. After that we can come back here and relax until you want to sleep." 

You nodded and started getting ready. "Also your mother deposited $400 to your account." He said after he checked his phone while you brushed your hair and put cute clips in it. 

"Okay tell her I said thank you please," you said as you topped up your makeup. With that Felix started typing on his phone while still standing in the same spot as 5 minutes ago. You grabbed a purse out of your suitcase and pulled Felix out the door with you. You grabbed onto his arm with both of your arms. He guided you to the ice cream stand and you both had a wonderful time eating your ice cream. Felix got a reeses pieces flavor and you got (flavor of choice) as you walked down the street in the dim lights finishing off your ice cream you looked at Felix. His cute freckles scattered across his face, his wavy hair so effortlessly perfect, his eyes big and pure, full of wonder, his puffy lips shaped like that of a chick, his eyebrows dark and sharp, his jawline handsome and fair. As you were admiring his every feature he looked down at you and your eyes instantly shot away. His little beak lips formed a smile before going back to his ice cream. 

When you arrived at the hotel to sleep for the night you realized, there's only one bed! 

Felix had previously set his things on the cushioned bench by the window so he started heading for that. He was adjusting the pillows when you stopped. 

"Sleep on the bed tonight, it's okay!" You said putting your hand on his back. 

"No, no, you take the bed."

"No, I insist you use it tonight."

"No, I insist." You bickered back and forth.

"How about we both just use the bed?" You said crossing your arms as you awaited his response. 

"As long as you don't mind sharing." He said as he dragged his things over to the nightstand. You went to the washroom and changed your clothes while you were in there. Meanwhile, without you knowing, Felix was also getting changed. You stepped out of the bathroom in your cute short pajamas to find Felix shirtless with his fly undone, a shirt in between his arms being prepared to be put on. You gawked at the sight before you caught his eyes on you. 

"S-sorry!" You jumped and turned around, covering your eyes. Felix just laughed.

"Sorry, I'm used to having just guys around…" he said as he continued to change without your eyes staring him down. 

"That's understandable, I almost did the same!" You said as you rolled on your heels. The sound of his belt and pants hitting the floor making your cheeks heat up.

"Perhaps it's because, I feel comfortable around you…" he muttered as he put on some shorts. 

"I feel the same." You smiled "I'm glad you feel comfortable with me and I hope you keep these feelings!" You said before turning around to see him heading for the left side of the bed. Felix smiled and you two started chatting about your experiences with each other. First impressions, embarrassing moments, close calls etc. 

Eventually you got tired and turned out the lights. Hours later you still lay awake looking out the window at all the city lights lighting up the midnight sky. 

"Can't sleep?" Felix asked in a deep voice.

"Nope." You sighed. "You should focus on sleeping instead of me,"

"But it's my job," Felix chuckled. 

"That power kick you did earlier was dope." You giggled to yourself.

"Haha, just doing my job!" He laughed. 

"Still, every time you do that I get more and more impressed." You smiled as you rolled over to look at him, his eyes already on you. 

"Do you know what the plan for tomorrow is?" He asked with pink dusting over his cheeks.

"Nope." You said with a light roll of your eyes.

"Either way we should get some sleep. Goodnight, princess," he said as he rolled back over to face the wall. Your cheeks were hot and the butterflies in your tummy were going insane at his choice of words.

[ctitan98official]

Anonymous: Don’t know if it’s my mommy issues talking but I would like some Mom!Jill valentine headcanons please 🙏 (love you bae 😘)

I’m glad you requested this, my friend! I just rewatched Death Island and my Jill simping has returned, stronger than ever (I don’t know how that’s even possible). Anyway, I decided to do baby Y/N and Jill because she would be so cute with a little one to take care of T^T Let’s get into it!

“Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit,” Jill murmured. In the dim glow of her bedroom, she sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the pregnancy test in her trembling hands. The positive result had just blinked on the small screen and stared back at her, unwavering. Her heart raced as a mix of surprise and excitement flooded her.

It was almost 3 AM and Jill had finally worked up the courage to take the test after buying it hours ago.

But… To be honest, she didn’t really need the test. She had already been pretty certain she was pregnant. The nausea, the missed periods, the headaches… She knew her body and something was happening to her. Something amazing.

She covered her mouth as tears streamed down her cheeks. She never thought she would be a mama for real. It was a secret fantasy of hers. She always imagined retiring from the B.S.A.A. and starting her own family.

From the very moment she found out about you, she loved you.

As the reality of impending motherhood sank in, Jill’s mind whirred with thoughts of the little life growing within her. She began to imagine tiny fingers and toes, the soft coos of a newborn. She was so ready to hold you.

Months passed, each one a step closer to the day when her world would change forever. Jill embraced the changes in her body, marveling at the miracle unfolding. She talked to you almost constantly. She couldn’t wait to meet you, but she also felt like she already knew you.

The nursery took shape with care, reflecting the anticipation of your arrival. Jill wanted everything to be perfect before you came home.

Eventually, after all her body had gone through, the moment finally arrived when labor pains gripped her. At long last, you entered the world.

Jill’s eyes glistened with tears as she cradled you in her arms for the first time, marveling at the tiny features that mirrored her own. She was a mama finally.

“Hi, Y/N,” She said quietly, smiling as your little hand gripped her finger. “Mama loves you so much, sweetheart,” She told you.

You looked up at her with wide eyes. You had absolutely no idea what she was saying, but you loved the sound of her voice.

Your confused expression made Jill giggle. She leaned in to nuzzle her nose against yours.

From that day forward, Jill’s life revolved around you. When she held you, she discovered a love deeper than she could have imagined. Her, now sleepless, nights were spent bouncing you in her arms and singing to you. While she had never been quite this tired before, she had also never been this happy.

If she’s having trouble getting you to stop crying, she makes up funny dances or songs and isn’t afraid to get goofy. You always end up laughing and Jill cracks up at your reaction (And her less-than-refined dance moves).

Jill’s absolute favorite thing to do is nurse you. The soft, snuffly sounds you make while you eat are so cute. She rocks you and tells you stories from her life as you suckle. Literally no one has better stories than her.

The bond between you two grows more with each feeding (If that’s even possible). She gently pats your back and encourages you to eat. Even when you’re fussy, Jill is able to coax you to latch on. “Eat for mama, baby,” She’ll say. Her gentle voice and smile immediately put you at ease. She’s a natural.

In these tender moments, as she watches you contentedly eating, Jill marvels at the beauty of motherhood. The uncertainty of her parenting abilities has transformed into confidence. She embraced the challenges, finding strength in the love she felt for you.

She was always meant to be your mama and you make her a better person.

Masterlist

[iveta777]

March,2021

This week I’ve been dealing with a serious mental breakdown. I was so overwhelmed in the beginning of the week and I couldn’t resist anymore. I was so disappointed by myself because I had so much stuff to be done; I tried so hard, man, I really tried so hard but I just couldn’t keep up with my schedule; I had slept less than 8 hours in total for the past 3 days; I didn’t feel well because I had a killing headache which wasn’t good because I wasn’t able to do my work. The result as you already know was the only one possible: mental breakdown. I cried for hours… I cried because of my own high expectations for me. I cried because as a perfectionist I wanted everything to be done on time. I cried because I tried and I was doing stuff these three days but the result… Well, there was no result. I had a list of tasks and nothing was marked as done which made me feel like I did nothing that past days. I cried because I was so tired, so overwhelmed, so exhausted. I cried because my soul cried. I wanted a break but I couldn’t get one because I had no time for that. I needed some free time, me time. I wanted to watch a movie, or watch a YouTube video, or paint, or write( I love writing…), or go out, or… just sleep. My body was tired, my soul was tired, I was tired…

After two or more hours of crying I felt like a new person. I was great. I was calm, empty, free. I was me again. And after that everything was great, too. I did everything I had planned for the past three days in less than five hours. I was happy. This day turned out to be my day because some really great things happened…

To be honest, this mental breakdown turned out to be something I needed because after that I realized some things.

To begin with, I have the best mother ever. I mean it’s not something I didn’t know but after that I have no doubt that it’s true. I tried to hide from her what was going on with me but as a parent at the moment she saw me she knew something was wrong. I tried to hide it from her but she made me tell her. Then she told me that I could and I would deal with everything, that she was proud of me, that everything was going to be alright. She asked no unnecessary questions, she just hugged me and stayed with me. She asked my father to buy me a chocolate bar and stayed with me for hours till she was sure that I was fine. She wanted to do so much more and I saw the pain in her eyes when she realized that there was nothing else she could help me with. But that was fine because she gave me more than I needed. I only needed support and a shoulder to cry on and she gave me peace and love. There was nothing else I could ask for.

Second, I realized that when I have hard time I don’t have do deal with it alone. I am used to hiding my emotions and keep my problems for me. I never talk about myself or the issues I have. But gosh it felt really nice when I shared my problems with her. She showed me that I am not alone (which is my greatest fear- to remain alone).

Third, I realized that everyone has hard times and I should not be afraid of it. I realized that keeping everything in me is not good for my health on first place. I realized that crying is okay. I realized that crying can free you from your problems, to make some space for you to see the world from different perspective, to help you find the solutions you are looking for and you are struggling to find.

Last one, I realized that putting yourself first doesn’t make you selfish and egoistic. To put yourself first means to make priority the most important person in your life-YOU. I’ve always been told that but I never believed it. I always tried to make my parents proud. I always tried to please everyone. But for 20 years I never asked myself what I REALLY want, what I need, I don’t even know what makes me happy, or sad, or what is my favorite color and do I even have a favorite color. I know so much about the other people and at the same time I know nothing about myself. But now I know… I know that I should put myself first and that there is nothing wrong about that. I know that first I should make sure that I feel great and then to try to help others because if I can’t help myself and I don’t take care of myself, how would I do that for the others???

To sum up, I realized that this mental breakdown was actually a good thing. It was something I needed. It made me realize some important stuff and to realize that if I take care of myself and I am fine, everything will be alright. Also, I realized that I am not alone and I have never been- I just made myself feel alone which is much worse than actually being alone…

I.A.A.

[wheels-of-despair]

Worth It | Ralph Penbury x You | Masterlist

{<-Previous} [Go Easy On Those Pastries] {Next->}

Summary: Ralph comes home, but your reunion does not go as planned. Words: 1.8k

The day Ralph had been waiting for had finally come: Monday, the day that he and Victoria would board a train and travel home. Home, where someone who loved him would be waiting for him to arrive.

He craved your kisses, he craved your embrace, he craved being alone with you in your secret spot in the park so he could tell you all about his time away. Not that he'd done anything but mope and write to you during the last week, but he planned on actually listening to Victoria on the ride home and relaying some of her stories, hoping to sound a little less like a lovestruck puppy.

You'd assured Ralph that you would meet him at the station, and he was delirious with joy. He'd always been jealous of couples at train stations, clinging to one another with absolute glee and need after spending time apart. This would be the first time Ralph got to be a part of one of those reunions, rather than being the lonely bloke staring jealously at someone else's. He couldn't wait.

After he'd pried Victoria away from her new boy toy and successfully moved her (and all her luggage) onto the train, Ralph watched the scenery fly by as his sister rambled. It was nothing interesting; mostly talk about the man whose tongue she'd been trying to swallow the whole time. Eventually, she tired herself out and fell asleep, and Ralph was left in blissful silence to think of your reunion.

What would he say to you first? Would he pick you up? Literally sweep you off your feet? Would you let him spin you around in a circle of love? Would you giggle as he kissed you for the first time in seven dreadful days? Would it be a deep kiss, or a million little kisses? Would he ever let you go again?

The time passed remarkably fast, for a journey that lasted several hours. Ralph stood when the train started to slow, lurching against the wall of the car when it finally stopped at his station. Victoria awoke from her nap, stretched, and looked at him sleepily.

"Eager, are we?"

"It's been a whole week, of course I am."

"What if she forgot?"

"She didn't," he says confidently, gathering his things.

"Sure," Victoria yawns. He leaves her there and makes his way to the exit.

He steps onto the platform and waits for you to come running. He looks this way and that, suddenly becoming very worried.

A voice from behind him says, "I told you so, Ralph. You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up." Victoria saunters off in the direction of the cabs, flagging down someone to load their bags.

Ralph is crushed. Maybe you really did forget. Maybe it only took a week apart for you to realize how peaceful your life was without him. Maybe Donald the Dull had finally made his move. Maybe someone better had come along. He touches his hand to his heart, hoping to soothe the pain, and feels the crunch of a letter stuck in an inside pocket for safekeeping. Your letter.

You wouldn't have written him a letter like that if you were going to leave him. Maybe you'd gotten the times mixed up? Perhaps you were sick? Or your mother prevented you from leaving? Yes, that's it. He'd think of an excuse to stop by and check on you on his way home.

You hated Donald Andrews.

You hated his dumb face, his greasy hair, his awful cologne, the way he looked down his pointy nose at you, the way he could not take the hint that you did not want him there. Your mother wanted him there. And seeing as how she was married to your father, Donald's presence in your home was extremely unnecessary.

He usually came on Saturdays, but he'd called last week and rescheduled, because his father was whisking him away to some boring event for boring men over the weekend. Of course it had to be Monday, the day you were supposed to meet Ralph at the station. You'd tried everything. Faking a headache, a stomachache, lady problems, oh dear, you were simply too miserable to receive guests. Your mother wasn't having it. You were infuriated.

You sat in the parlor with your mother and Donald and a clenched jaw as they talked about something you didn't care about. You stared at the rug and wondered how upset Ralph would be when you weren't there to greet him. Earlier in the day, you'd hoped that Donald would clear out in time for you to rush down to the station, but you had no such luck. They simply would not shut up.

After what felt like hours of glaring a hole in the floor - honestly, at this point, your mother and Donald the Dull should just admit that they're courting each other - you heard a voice that made your ears perk up. You listened closer, wondering if you'd imagined it, but no. Ralph Penbury was at your front door, speaking with Nancy.

Ralph knocked on your door softly, afraid your mother would be alerted. He sighed in relief when a pleasant blonde maid greeted him. He explained that you were meant to meet his sister at the train station when they returned, but they grew concerned when you were not there. He'd sent her home, weary from travel, and decided to check on you himself. The maid glanced worriedly toward the parlor door, when suddenly, the very girl he was looking for came bounding out of it. Instinctively, he stepped forward and opened his arms.

Without slowing down, you rushed right into him, knocking him back a step and wrapping your arms around him like you hadn't seen him in years.

"I missed you so much," you whispered tearfully into his neck. He'd never smiled so hard in his life. He closed his eyes and held you tight and lifted you off the floor, your bodies brought closer together by gravity. Seven whole days was far too long to go without this.

And then your mother hissed your full name in a way that made all of Ralph's hair stand up. He felt you tense, and he slowly released you back to the floor. You didn't turn to look at her.

"Young man, I did not invite you inside my home. You turn around and leave at once. And YOU," she seethed in an harsh whisper, "YOU get back in there and apologize to Donald RIGHT NOW."

Instead of moving, you closed your eyes and exhaled slowly. "OUT." The old woman snapped at Ralph again and grabbed your wrist, pulling you back toward the parlor. You opened your eyes, holding up your free hand to flash a one and a circle. Ralph nodded, knowing exactly where to go. Dropping your hand and turning your circle into a clenched fist, Ralph saw a fire begin to burn in your eyes as you turned and allowed the old bat to drag you away.

He apologized to the maid, knowing she'd surely get chastised for letting him in, even though she really didn't, and began walking toward the park. Although something inside of him told him that he should stay and protect you.

Seven minutes later, sitting nervously on your favorite bench in the park, Ralph hears panting and heavy footsteps. He stands up, and just like that, you're back in his arms again.

"Are you alright?" he asks, his voice full of concern. You're shaking. He should have stayed. He should have taken you with him. He's a coward, a useless coward, afraid of an old woman.

You pull back, and he sees that you're laughing. You're laughing and crying. He dries your cheeks with his handkerchief and asks again, "Are you alright?"

"For now," you laugh, still out of breath, moving to sit on the bench. He sits next to you, and waits for you to begin telling your story.

Your mother had dragged you to the door, turned around, and spoke in a low, threatening voice. "You will go in there, apologize to Donald, and beg his forgiveness. His mother says that he's planning to propose soon. You had better hope he hasn't changed his mind." You take in this information with your eyes narrowed. So Donald has the power to change his mind, does he?

"Is that understood?" You smile a sweet, sarcastic smile, knowing she wouldn't dare slap you in the face with Donald present. "In." She yanks the door open and waits for you to move.

You enter the room, and she follows. You perch on the edge of your seat as she returns to hers. Donald the Dull returns to his chair after you're both seated, looking unfazed by all this. Does nothing ruffle his feathers? Perhaps you'd give it a go.

"Dearest Donald, I am ever so sorry for running out on you. I do hope you'll forgive me," you say in your most convincing apology voice. You look to your mother. She's still visibly angry, but gives a sharp nod for you to continue. "You see, I fear I had too many of those delightful pastries, and they caused a bit of an intestinal disturbance." Donald looks confused, but your mother's eyes look like they're about to pop out of their sockets. Might as well go all in. "And Mother always said that a man should never hear his intended break wind before their wedding night. Alas, I fear I must leave you again, but DO have a pleasant date with Mother," you say as you rise from your chair and walk backwards toward the door, "and go easy on those pastries!"

You spin around and leave the room before your mother can gather her wits and murder you on the spot. You run out the front door and toward the park, cackling like a madwoman escaping from her own personal asylum, afraid to look back.

Ralph sits quietly, processing the story you've just told him. A laugh still lingers on your lips, your face flushed from your passionate re-telling of the event. And then, all of a sudden, he bursts into laughter. He pulls you close, and you wheeze together until your sides ache.

"I've never met anyone like you before," he laughs, wiping away a tear.

"I'm an endangered species; therefore, I'm going to wait right here in this park with you, until my father gets home to prevent me from becoming extinct."

"Do you really think she'll try to kill you?"

"It's a possibility. But if this is what finally scares Donald the Dull off… it was worth it."

[halsteadlover]

Just a little rant here about my personal life so feel free to skip lol

I know nobody is gonna read this and I’ll probably delete this when I’ll come to my senses but right now I feel so depressed I just need to get this out of my chest. I always felt tumblr like a safe space so here I am.

I don’t know if you remember the times where I took some time off because of anxiety and my mental health.

Lately it feels like it’s getting worse and I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if many of you will relate (I really hope not) but it’s just like I don’t know how to be happy and I really hate it here man. I’m so tired of feeling like this, always worrying and having anxiety about something I don’t even know about. I feel so crazy sometimes you know? Like there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m honestly so grateful for the things god gave me. I’m healthy, I have a loving family (even if sometimes they’re overbearing to the point of crazy), I get to study for my dream job, I have a bf that puts up with my ass, friends even if few of them, there’s nothing wrong there are so many worse things people go through and I don’t even have to right to rant about any of this. So why do I feel like I don’t deserve any of this?

I have such deep trust issues it’s ruining my life and relationships, I don’t know why. I hate myself and I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not that speciale and I’m so damn insecure that every good thing that happens in my life I can’t help but think it’s gonna fade in a minute, that something bad might happen, that I’m so easily replaceable.

Sometimes I truly think that if I disappeared no one would notice or miss me, I thought about doing it but I’m so damn scared. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe the bullying had something with it I don’t honestly know but I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Why can’t I just love me? Why can’t I enjoy a single good thing that happens to me? Why do I keep sabotage myself by thinking I don’t deserve any happiness and it’ll soon fade away?

For example, these last two days I took three different exams and even though I’m relieved I can’t help but think I’m such a failure, that my parents are so disappointed in me for taking so long to finish a degree I was supposed to finish years ago.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday morning while I was with my bf and I sobbed for hours while he held me but if you ask me what triggered it I wouldn’t know how to answer you.

Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?

It’s just a bit of everything and I honestly don’t know what to do.

But please don’t judge me. I’m aware these “problems” are nowhere serious like some others and I’m so sorry for being so dramatic it’s just… I don’t know guys, I just want to be happy, to feel loved without actually thinking about the worst.

Am I soo pretentious? Do I sound so ungrateful? Complaining about these things when I have everything some people unfortunately dream of? I don’t want to sound like that and I feel so guilty about having these thoughts.

I know you’ll think I’m an attention seeker, fishing for compliments or things like that, I’ve been told that before here and I’m so sorry if it seems that way but trust me it’s the opposite of that. I’m telling this here because I guess it’s easier behind the screen, when no one knows you and can really judge you, but I also thing you’ll judge me anyway but at least it was good for me to let this out.

If someone reads this I hope you won’t think of me any less, and if you’re feeling something like this too I’m so sorry and if you want to talk my inbox and DMs are ALWAYS open for you guys, I’m here even if it takes me some time to answer.

Sorry if something doesn’t make any sense, I didn’t even read this back I’m just cried my eyes out while writing this post and now I have a headache. At least I hope the sleeping will be good lmao.

But tomorrow will be better, I’m sure of this.

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

It's Sunday. The day is almost beautiful, with wind. They are playing boules on the road below and I can hear the clash of the balls from my room. The world is peaceful. How nice it would be to have the heart of a boule player in a Provençal village on a Sunday! But I promised myself to tell you the facts.

It's not much, it's true. Life continues with one more guest at the meals, Michèle Halphen who has moved to the hotel. I think she's leaving tomorrow. I like her but her sadness adds to the inertia of the days here. Yesterday, after a week's absence, Dolo came to liven up the house. I took her home in the evening. Sad too: she has been waiting for S[artre] for weeks, he said he would come at the end of this month and he announces that it will be at the beginning of the next. In short, things are not going well for her. Cheerful, isn't it?

I was repeating to myself Vigny's verse: "Separated lovers were united at the altars"! Come on, it's not for tomorrow. More important news: my brother is coming tomorrow. As the G[allimard]s are still here (they leave on the 20th) I will lodge him at the hotel. I will go tomorrow afternoon to Cannes to look for him. I am happy to see him again, but worried about him. I would like him to get well again. What else? A doctor from Grasse came to dinner with his wife. She had lost her mother following an operation that had caused an intestinal obstruction. The mourning was eight days old. Now you know that the company of more than four people exhausts me. Moreover, you can't count on the G[allimard]s to animate the conversation. So I made a great effort to talk about anything. The result was that I spoke successively about the cemetery in Cabris, about surgeons who are butchers, and about intestinal obstruction (all this without thinking of the deceased, of course). To finish, I told the story of Chamfort, where a doctor talking about his deceased patient said: "He is dead, no doubt, but he died cured."

On Wednesday Gide, who is in Juan-les-Pins where he is translating an English play for Barrault invited us all to lunch. Cartier, the producer I told you about and about whom you didn't tell me anything (but you are answering less and less to the questions I ask you. Linotte!) writes to me about his projects. I don't know why I trust him. After all, maybe we'll see The Plague on the screen. Now it's my turn. I've been muddy for two days. Headaches, vague nausea, I feel like I'm pregnant. I've even lost my rested complexion, but I guess it will pass. It is true that this waiting, it is silly to say, is so anxious that it ends up tiring me even physically. I exhaust myself imagining you and living our meeting in advance. Yet I behave wisely: a well-organized schedule, regular work (which does not necessarily mean fruitful work. There are good days and bad days, that's all). But the deprivation of happiness sometimes has the effect of under-nourishment, of asphyxiation too.

All my hope, all my courage comes finally from what I expect as a total reunion, love, emotion, joy, absolute freedom between us, bodies and soul, transparency and naturalness. And I do not wait for it as a utopia. I wait for it because I am sure of it. And it is not so far, no, it is not so far. Because listen carefully: yesterday in the mountain I saw the first flowers of the almond tree. The tree was still black. But at the ends of the branches a dozen or so frail and soft flowers were already rustling in the wind. You understand, my love, Maria dear! It was the extreme point of the extreme beginning of spring. And a great impulse came to my eyes and heart, which I can call no more than an impulse of adoration. I made a vow. I looked for a long time at the crying petals. And I went home, my heart full of love. Goodbye, my beautiful and wonderful love. I kiss my Valentine and give her the few flowers that we should give on Valentine's Day to the one that we love. You are the one I love, before every spring, and I kiss you deeply, with all my love.

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, February 12, 1950 [#187]

[mythologyfolklore]

Liù'ěr Míhóu joins the jttw gang, or: How to redeem an all-hearing celestial monkey with a superiority complex and a seriously bad attitude

Chapter Twenty-Two: Tripitaka is just done.

.

Tripitaka kept a lot of secrets from the other pilgrims. Secrets he had no intention of ever revealing.

Like the dark thoughts that invaded his mind, whenever he was kidnapped by random demons.

Never would he tell his disciples about the hatred he felt towards most demons. Or about the sick satisfaction he felt, whenever Wùkōng and Wùhuàn came to rescue him and made short work of his kidnappers.

No, there was no way he'd ever voice those reprehensible thoughts.

His own helplessness and lack of agency had shattered his illusions and left him feeling less compassionate than he let on. That too would have stayed hidden behind a kindly façade, if only his new disciple wasn't so astute. But oh well, you couldn't have everything. And Tripitaka would rather put up with Wùhuàn's bad attitude than be in the situation he currently was in.

Yes, he'd been kidnapped again.

Yes, he was tied up in a cell.

Yes, he could hear his captors argue about how to best prepare him for a meal.

No, he didn't give a damn.

One of the few things the monk was truly confident in was that he wouldn't get eaten. His disciples would prevent that, as always.

The thought made him smile.

That didn't escape the kidnappers.

“What's there to smile about, monk?!”, snapped one of them.

Tripitaka chuckled: “My disciples are coming to save me.”

The other kidnapper scoffed: “Hah! As if they could get past the guards, let alone defeat us!”

The monk just smiled serenely. “Oh? Don't you know who my disciples are?”

.

“How many demons are in there?”, whispered Wùjìng.

“I hear 144 heartbeats”, Liù'ěr Míhóu whispered back. “A dozen times a dozen. What a clean number.”

Bājiè stared at the six-eared monkey like he had grown a second head. “The fuck does that have to do with the situation?!”

The other shrugged: “Dunno, I just like numbers.”

“Can you guys shut the hells up? I'm trying to make a rescue plan here!”, Wùkōng snarled.

So the others shut their mouths and waited, until the Monkey King was done planning.

The brunet monkey sighed and turned back to the others. “Okay, so here is the plan: Liù'ěr Míhóu and I will sneak inside. Bājiè and Wùjìng, you will distract the kidnappers-”

“Why am I always the distraction?”, complained Bājiè.

Wùkōng's eyes narrowed. “Because you're distracting, that's why. Also, you two will be fine, you're just gonna lure out their army and take them out, while-”

“I'm sick and tired of always being the bait!”, the pig demon snapped.

The Monkey King had to resist the urge to use his laser eyes on Bājiè.

No, he couldn't incinerate the pig. Master would be upset. And if he was upset, it spelled headache time for Wùkōng. Nope, not worth it.

“Ugh, fine! Just shut the fuck up! Okay, change of plan. Liù'ěr Míhóu, you slip inside and take care of Master, while the three of us fight the demon army … what's with that face?”, Wùkōng questioned, when he saw the Six-Eared Macaque's expression shift.

The other's face was scrunched up in concentration as he seemingly listened for specific voices.

“They're talking to slaphead … oh, he's warning them that we're coming to get him. Sounds a little too excited there. And now they're rambling about how we totally can't beat them, blablabla. Now he's giving them our names … they're not taking it seriously …” He scowled. “They're asking him about the bĭqiūní¹ he's training. He says he has no female disciple … now the fuckers are asking about me directly.”

Wùjìng mirrored the monkey's scowl. “Ah. They're that kind of asshats.”

“Apparently”, Liù'ěr Míhóu continued. “… oh, he's trying to explain to his kidnappers, how my temperament works! How gutsy! Remind me to get him some extra rice cakes later. Aaannnd they're brushing it off and insisting I'm a woman. Of course. Fucking arse- wait … his pulse is quickening … his breathing too … wow, he just ground his teeth! I think he's getting angry!”

Wùkōng's mouth suddenly felt dry; when Tripitaka ground his teeth, he was livid. And the monk never got this angry with anyone other than …

No, he had to calm down. This was stupid, his master was angry at the kidnappers, not at him, there wouldn't be pain this time, no recitation of the Tightening Sutra, why was he scared, he needed to stop-

“Eldest Brother?”

Wùjìng's gentle voice was barely reaching his ears. But it was enough to snap him back to reality. He opened his eyes (when had he even closed them?) and saw his younger brothers stare at him in concern – even Bājiè.

“You, uh … you okay there?”, the pig demon asked awkwardly. And got smacked on the head by Liù'ěr Míhóu.

“He's panicking and hyperventilating, the fuck do you think, hogface?”

Oh … I am … how the fuck did that happen? Just now I was … shit. In front of the others too, why, they weren't supposed to see me like this, why???

A large webbed hand on his back brought him back to his senses again.

“Eldest Brother, take it easy”, Wùjìng said gently. “Tell you what, why don't you stay with Bái Lóng Mă and have a moment to breathe, while we handle the whole rescue plan? We have Youngest Brother with us, it won't be a problem.”

The Monkey King just nodded weakly.

Suddenly Liù'ěr Míhóu snorted.

Wùkōng scowled: “What's so funny?!”

The other monkey snickered: “You're gonna love this! He's chewing them out for reducing me to my physical bodyparts. Hah! He just told them they're an embarrassment to their family! Brutal! Now one of them's bawling like a kid! That's fucking hilarious!”

At that Wùkōng couldn't help but laugh.

.

“Just to make this clear: I regret nothing!”, Tripitaka declared, after having been rescued.

“I bet!”, Wùhuàn snickered. “You roasted them like ducks on a skewer! It was priceless!”

“I would never roast a duck. But thank you. That being said …”, he threw a concerned glance at his eldest disciple, “… what's wrong with Pilgrim? Did something happen, while I was away?”

That question was answered by Wùjìng: “When Youngest Brother informed us he heard you get angry at your kidnappers, I think it triggered something in Eldest Brother, even though he knew your anger wasn't directed at him. Perhaps some reassurance would help him feel better?”

The monk frowned and approached his eldest disciple, who was drawing into the ground with a stick.

“Pilgrim?”, he asked gently.

Wùkōng looked up. “Oh, Master. Do you need something?”

Tripitaka shook his head. “No, I'm fine. But are you okay? You seem shaken.”

“I …” A gulp. “… It's nothing.”

“Right, and I like sex”, the monk deadpanned.

To his satisfaction, Pilgrim chortled.

Tripitaka sobered up again. “But seriously. I can tell it's not nothing. What's wrong?”

The monkey lowered his head. “I … I'm sorry I wasn't part of the rescue this time”, he mumbled.

Holy Bodhisattva.

The human sighed, but crouched down (as best as he could with his aching back) and cupped his disciple's face in his hands.

“No, Pilgrim, no. Don't apologise for that. You needed a breather and that's okay. I don't fault you for that. Besides, your younger brothers did just fine rescuing me, didn't they?”

“I-”

“And you didn't resort to violence this time either (though I had to scold Wùhuàn for the bloodbath he caused). No, you've done well today. You've been a good monkey.” He opened his arms. “Do you want a hug?”

As soon as he finished that sentence, he found himself with two arms full of monkey.

.

---

.

1) bĭqiūní: a Buddhist nun

[deeptrashwitch]

Yeah, another one! Well, here it is!

"Alright, let me get this straight" Alicia muttered as she spoke with Wraith "we have to scort a lawyer involved in a case that puts their life in danger to a safe house in Géneve, and we will be aided by a Swiss team?"

"That's correct, you'll know who they are when you arrive to the extraction point" Dominique said calmly

"Why do I have an idea of who they might be?" she muttered before sighing "alright, copy. We'll be there soon"

Then the eleven soldiers started to drive to the indicates point, but Alicia was sighing and muttering even more than usual. It worried most of the team, but Jackson, Edward and Luke shared looks because they knew that kind of sigh. All of them wondered who will they encounter this time, hopefully no one like Xiao Chen.

Some hours later they arrived to the place, a nice house on the middle class neighbourhood. When they saw it, Alicia just rolled her eyes, her damned hunch was right. What a headache...

"So...who'll be the package?" Luke asked, curious

"Well-"

"That would be me!" a man's voice intervened, surprising everyone

"Hello brother" Alicia muttered with tiredness, looking at her smiling big brother "if you're the package, then I can guess who is our aid"

"Yeah, I can bet it too" Nicolás said with a chuckle "it's good to see y'all"

That made everyone look at Alicia, who just was already arguing with Wraith through the radio, then they looked at Nicolás. The eldest Marchant sibling just giggled a bit when he saw the surprise on his sister's soldiers, but started to talk with them, explaining why he was there. He told them about his position as part of the prosecution in a case there in The Hague, and more or less why he needed to be sent to a safer place until the trial starts.

"I guess we can manage it if it isn't like the last time we scorted a lawyer" Jackson murmured with a nod

"Look at that!" a third voice appeared soon, putting all the soldiers alert "so you are the package, huh Nico?!"

"Yes, yes I am" the eldest answered with a smile "good to see you"

"Oh! Is that Alicia?! A long time has passed!"

Then the man, with black hair and shiny blue eyes, went to hug Alicia. She tensed as a wire, just to slap him away. But to their surprise, the man just laughed again, hugging again the black-haired woman while she furiously muttered trying to keep him away.

"Get your fucking hands off me" she growled, frowning

"And I thought you would be happy to see me, lil' cousin" he said with a side smile

"A month, Elías, you are older just by a month"

"But I'm older"

"Uh, Captain...what do you mean by 'cousin'? Is he the one who'll help us?" Luke asked, just as confused as the rest

"Yes, he and his team will help" she said as she pinched her nose bridge, between being frustrated and tired "this man is my cousin, Elías Müller, a Captain of the Swiss Army, 10th reconnaissance detachment"

"It's a pleasure to meet my cousin's team" Elías said with a little smile, already more serious

"Let's just go before I get a stroke"

The mission was simple itself, so they didn't need to shot any bullet, and instead just plan carefully their route. And while inside one wagon, the teams talked between them and with Nicolás as well and started to get along, on the other one...Alicia was trying not to punch Elías.

It was like the old times, where they encountered each other on granny's house, and now it stressed Alicia. Even in a moment she smashed her head into the table, muttering something while Elías continued picking on her. And when they finally arrived to the safe house, well...

"What kind of karma am I paying with you here, huh?!" she snarled, pointing at a smiling Elías

"Get used to it, this year I'll go to see my aunt. And it'll be ALL DECEMBER" he answered with a shitty smile

"Haha. No"

"Believe it! You'll have to live with me for a month!"

"You wish! I'll throw you over a cliff if I have to!"

"You talk like you are capable"

"What was that, bitch?! Look who's talking!"

"Hey!"

And while that happened, and those two started to argue, Nicolás just sighed. He smiled a bit, for a second seeing them like they were before. At the same time, the teams were confused by their leaders, they weren't sure if they'll fight each other or not.

"Don't worry, they're like that" Nicolás said with a little smile

"Seriously? They...are about to kill each other, aren't they?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow

"Nah, I've seen them like that, they aren't fighting"

"Is this common?"

"When we were younger they fought all the time! But now not so much, also, ironically, they're one of the best duos inside our family"

"Huh, I would've never guessed..."

[featherlight-whispers]

What living outside of your natural sleep-wake cycle feels like: a (long) DSPD symptom list for writers

Note: This list is based on my experiences as someone who’s been living (almost) constantly outside of my natural sleep hours. For reference, my sleep-wake cycle is from 7.00-8.00 to 16.00-17.00 and I’ve been sleeping from 00.00-01.00 to 05.00-06.00 for the past two years. This isn’t intended to be a diagnosis checklist, just my personal experience as someone with DSPD. This is for authors who want to write characters with this disorder or people who want to know more about this topic. Full detailed list below the cut.

Dry eyes. When I wake up, I feel as if I’ve been staring at a computer screen with the brightness to the max in a dim room for 14 hours. This feeling usually goes away within 2 to 3 hours of waking up. Eye drops help with this.

Alternating bursts of energy and sudden sleepiness. I’ll elaborate more on the sleepiness, but the excessive daytime sleepiness isn’t linear nor consistent. I can be nodding off one hour and being perfectly awake the next.

Sudden sleepiness. I wake up groggy every day, but there are some where I get energy quite soon. However, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be energetic all day long. I usually nod off when I’m doing something passive like writing something down from a board or listening to someone talk for a very long time without being able to make it into a conversation (for example, being in a lecture).  I know when I’m going to fall asleep. I’ll start feeling heavier and notice my focus getting worse and worse until I nod off for what feels like a few seconds, wake up for a minute or two and then fall asleep again. It’s a very light sleep, so if I get called my name I usually wake up, and some people can fall asleep sitting up (like me), so the situation goes like this: I’m paying attention in class, and within some minutes of noticing the tiredness get worse I’ll be dozing intermittently, sitting upright. Getting up and walking around can help with preventing the sleep, but as soon as I sit down it happens again. Now, this is a pretty extreme case. It started happening when I was 16 (symptoms worsen during adolescence), but before that it was a tolerable tiredness. The fact that I could lay my head down in class and sleep probably helped too.

Melatonin pills will make everything worse. I’ve had melatonin and natural sleep-inducing herb-based pills prescribed. Neither work. They make you fall asleep fast, yes, but the sleep quality is even worse than usual and I fall asleep during daytime more easily than without them

Shit sleep quality. For as long as I can remember, I have never woken up refreshed and fully rested. Sure, there are days when I wake up fine even if I don’t sleep in my natural hours, but they’re extremely rare. I usually wake up more tired than when I went to sleep the previous night.

You get more awake as the day goes on. In my case, the sudden sleepiness stops abruptly after 18.00, and the closer I get to my bedtime, the more awake I am.

Sometimes you want to take a nap and you can’t. When I wake up later in the day (12.00 and after), sometimes I want to take a nap because I’m still tired at 15.00, but because I don’t have that extreme tiredness of waking up at five/six it can be hard to actually fall asleep, no matter how tired I am.

Less patience and more sensitivity to light and noise. The worse you sleep, the less patience you have. It’s only natural. Now, I’m not sure if the second part is because of my sensory issues, but if you’re going to write a character with DSPD who isn’t autistic/ADHD/doesn’t have sensory issues, you may want to be careful including this, but I have noticed that I’m more sensitive to light and noise when I’ve slept worse than usual, sometimes to the point of headaches and a strong urge to bawl my eyes out.

The amount of time you sleep means absolutely nothing. The reason why I sleep five to six hours is because it’s as good as my sleep will get. If I sleep, say, three hours, my memory and focus would be seriously affected, but I could sleep eight or ten hours and, as long as I wake up when I’m not meant to, I will have the same symptoms. As I’ve said before, it’s also hard to fall asleep early, no matter how tired I am.

Waking up is a nightmare and you have a lot of pent-up frustration. The first part is pretty self-explanatory, but the second one is due to a myriad of reasons: I want to sleep well, why can’t I? Why have I been dealt such a shitty luck? You also want others to understand you, but, besides the dismissive and ableist people, no one truly realizes how exhausting it is to live like this.

You realize how many parts of life are dictated by sleep-wake cycles. People who are/have diurnal lifestyles have things way easier than people with nocturnal lives. Not only is everything closed at the wee hours of the night, besides emergency services, bars and clubs, but socialization is near impossible. All your friends in your time zone are asleep for most of your waking hours, and even people in other time zones go to sleep before you. There are some advantages to this, such as being paid more for doing the same thing as your coworkers during the night shift, but this is not the case always. Some industries do not have night shifts (obviously).

You get a lot of time for yourself. The good part of being awake while everyone else is asleep is that you can do anything (within reason) and the chances of being walked on/being seen are pretty low.

And finally...

You switch to your natural sleep cycle incredibly fast. I can go from waking up at six to going to sleep at eight in two days. It almost feels like getting out of an uncomfortable, stuffy suit and changing into your favorite pyjamas. It’s more comfortable and you feel better all-around.

There’s not a lot of research on DSPD, it’s not diagnosed often and people with this disorder often have other comorbid disorders, such as ADHD. There’s a high number of people with DSPD who have depression as well, but the causal relationship between them isn’t known yet.

I hope this post is of help with your characters and it was informative. My DMs and asks are open, please be nice and don’t even think about giving me “tips” to “improve my sleep” (istg I have heard the term sleep hygiene so many times im sick of it) unless it comes from someone with DSPD.

[chloecherrysip]

As you might have gathered from my frenzied posts yesterday, ya girl saw the Mario Movie for the second time on Thursday, and I have some additional thoughts! I already rambled on about the brothers' reunion AT LENGTH but let's actually talk about some other things (but also still a LITTLE BIT about that here too because I literally cannot be stopped).

Most importantly, I feel like I have had a big change of heart about the movie - in a good way! :)

So I had bought this Thursday ticket first before I made the really impulsive decision to go to a midnight showing on Tuesday, and I kept the ticket because I wanted to see what I would think a second time (and there were obviously some favorite moments that I really wanted to watch again). But I came out of the first showing so conflicted that I was like: "Am I even going to have that much fun at a second showing? Will I be a little bored sometimes?" (Plus, I was having the worst headache yesterday and just not in the best mood in general lolol)

And it was so, so MAGICAL

I think my first viewing experience was weird because 1) I was anxious and way overhyped 2) It was late at night and I was TIRED and 3) I found myself SO distracted throughout the movie because my brain was busy trying to redefine expectations as things went on, to the point that the whole end battle was extremely fuzzy to me because it was just SO DIFFERENT from what I'd been thinking it would be and my sleepy brain didn't know how to reconcile it. This time, I went in knowing exactly what the movie was going to be and what I could expect, and I just??? had the best time imaginable??? I was SO happy the whole way through?????? Literally enthralled and delighted and smiling to the point that my face hurt all over again???

Like, just to be clear, the problems I've already gone on about are still problems at the end of the day -- but truthfully, I care about them a lot less now. At the end of the day, this movie is beautiful, has heart, and keeps you interested, and just having gotten that out of a mario movie after all this time is really special to me. I do genuinely think that if you felt conflicted and disappointed after your first viewing, you should watch the movie again and see how you feel a second time around, because shedding all those expectations and going in without all that hanging over me just made for an absolutely wonderful experience that I'll remember for a long time!

Part of that too is the crowd I saw it with! At my midnight screening, there were obviously no kids and everyone was a little subdued. This time, there was a good number of kids, and man, they were having such a good time. The dad/daughter duo sitting beside me laughed SO many times and it was delightful (she was SO excited at the Mario Kart stuff).

And there was APPLAUSE at the end! That by itself is always a magical experience to me at the movies when people clap at the end because it's just such a pure expression of happiness (since there's no live performance and the clapping is to no one's benefit, lol). And then as I was walking out, there were these little boys excitedly talking about how the movie was a "5/5!!!" for them and....man, I don't know. The universe likes to give gentle reminders that sometimes things are just Not That Deep and it's okay to be a little less cynical and a little more generous. (But I will still complain a LITTLE below, haha.)

ANYWAY, THAT'S ENOUGH MUSING, HERE ARE SPECIFIC THOUGHTS:

The significance of the Nintendo logo sequence being retro Mario and Luigi together at the very beginning :) :) :)

Didn't even realize the first time that Mario doesn't just instinctively stick his arm out in front of Luigi protectively during the dog scene, he ALSO does it when Spike stands up from the table, even though Spike's only focused on Mario at that point!!!! Something I really wanted from the Brooklyn scenes was to see that protectiveness and care in Mario's body language for Luigi right from the start, and they do SUCH a good job at that, like more than I could have hoped for. It's a reflex for him! When there's even the slightest whiff of danger, you can see Mario's thought process go straight to "keep Luigi behind me, make sure he stays safe" and I loveeee

Luigi is such a mama's boy! ❤️❤️❤️ Bragging about her liking their commercial so genuinely! They also have a cute, subtle moment when he's trying to get some food at the dinner table and everyone's talking over him/not listening but his mom brings him a bowl and gives him a little, soft pat on the shoulder, it is adorable.

(Also Luigi getting swept up in the moment and dropping the "mic" but it's his phone and he breaks it continues to be just...such a good character moment. He is so wonderful throughout the beginning of the movie and I just want so much more of him in the sequel, please ;; )

JUST THE FAMILY STUFF IN GENERAL IS GOOD AND SURPRISINGLY SUBTLE AND REALISTIC????

Like, they could have gone REALLY broad with it and just made their parents horrible people if they wanted to do a "Mario has Dad Issues" plot but like, it's very clear that there's a LOT of love and care in that household! Along with a healthy dose of dysfunction, of course, but that's every family, haha. And honestly, their dad reminds me of my dad, who is a wonderful person BUT can also make really insensitive comments without realizing or just simply be really judgmental if one of his kids makes a choice he wouldn't personally make. It's still weird that they actually have a big family in this version of canon (if they live in the Mushroom Kingdom at the end of the movie, do they still go back and visit home all the time? Is it tough to be literally a world away from your parents??? I AM INTRIGUED BY THAT) but I can get behind it, haha.

In one of my other posts, I wrote that it looked like Mario and Luigi were the babies of the family, but there actually is a much younger kid at the dinner table, I realized - i think it's a little girl in a baseball cap who's maybe 7 or 8? Probably their cousin? She seemed very, VERY bored with everything going on. Also, for a split-second at the end, you can see her recording what's happening with her phone/taking a selfie XD I want to know more about this mystery kid and Mario and Luigi's relationship with them, haha.

Also, to go back a little, that construction site parkour scene had a lot more to it than I remembered! Mario doesn't just open the gates for Luigi - he also knocks down a ladder for him, throws down a piece of material for him to be able to run over a gap, and I think some other things too. Back to my original point about how no matter what's going on or how caught up he is, what his brother needs is always such a critical part of his thought process ❤️

I LOVED THE MARIO AND PEACH STUFF SO MUCH MORE THIS TIME???? There still isn't enough by far, but I was just so much fonder of their little moments. The "you're just trying to make me feel better" "is it working?" "a little, yeah" exchange was CUTE. Also, I kind of adore that Mario improves but doesn't ACTUALLY finish the training course (which feels realistic in such a short timeframe) but Peach sees that he's really trying and that's all she needed to know, that he was serious and had the determination to give it his all. :)

ALSO I love when Mario looks very nervous right before his fight with DK but he and Peach lock eyes and she gives him a determined smile and nod and that helps him.

(ALSO x 2, when Bowser breaks out of the ice at the wedding, Mario and Peach are holding hands very sweetly!!! I want to know what they were saying to each other at that point! She was probably SO relieved to see that he was alive and all right, ahhhh)

PEACH'S WEDDING DRESS IS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, MAYBE A CONTROVERSIAL OPINION BUT THE ODYSSEY DRESS COULD NEVER!!!

I have ALWAYS loved the idea of Peach's eventual wedding dress having pink elements throughout (even in the veil!!) because it's her signature and this dress DID and I was so endlessly delighted, can't WAIT to see all the details more in super high quality screenshots

ALSO THE WEDDING SCENE IS GENERAL IS SO GOOD??? I TRULY THINK THE WAY THEY STRUCTURED THIS SCENE AND PEACH'S CAPTURE WAS INCREDIBLY SMART???

I knew it was basically a foregone conclusion that Peach would be taken captive at some point because that is SO iconic, but I truly thought they would play it out more traditionally where Mario comes to her rescue. And the fact that they don't even go NEAR that idea, Mario doesn't even KNOW anything about what's going on her and she's on her own with Toad, and she just!!! handles the situation!!! she takes Bowser out (temporarily) and does everything she can to save the prisoners and I just loved that they were able to have it both ways while still letting her be TRULY badass instead of just paying lip service to the idea without ever following through

THE FINAL BATTLE IN BROOKLYN...HIT SO MUCH HARDER FOR ME THIS TIME...AND NOW I LOVE IT

I was just so bewildered the first time I saw the movie by the twist but this time, i was 100% IN THE MOMENT and let me tell you, Mario being all bruised and scared and then seeing himself and Luigi on the cracked television...my goodness, I genuinely teared up. I'm tearing up now thinking about it!!

IN GENERAL: THE WAY THEY BALANCE BOWSER'S HUMOR WITH SOME EXTREMELY MENACING, SCARY STUFF IS SO GOOD

I love that you're laughing at him and then suddenly, he just does something CRUEL and TERRIFYING and ESSENTIALLY PSYCHOPATHIC (even the little things like intentionally crushing Kamek's hands in the piano and making him keep them there!!) and you're scared of all him all over again

I know, I know, I already spoke about Mario and Luigi's reunion AT LENGTH, but I got one more thing -> it is genuinely SUCH a relief that Illumination did not go for the cheap "wow how embarrassing when men show emotion!" joke. in fact, not only did they avoid any joke like that, they went as far in the other direction as I think you could possibly go????? Like, seriously, I wanted FEELINGS here and the fact that it even blew ME away how tender and loving their whole exchange is really says something!!! I WILL LITERALLY TALK ABOUT THE FACE HOLDING AND THE FOREHEAD TOUCHING FOREVER, THEY ARE THE SWEETEST BROTHERS OF ALL TIIIME

Finally, I am STUPID because I genuinely walked away from the movie the first time with the impression that the worlds were permanently merged together at the end??? But after reading other people's summations of the ending, that's clearly not the case and Mario and Luigi just live in the Mushroom Kingdom now, whoops, haha. (I would be interested to know how far in the future that scene is!! I assume it would take some time to make that decision and that they weren't like "yeah, let's just immediately leave behind everything we've ever known and our whole family for a place we've spent a couple of days in" lol)

And also a quick list of some things that I'm still annoyed about because, well, it can't ALL be good:

The 80's music didn't bother me originally BUT it's starting to come to light now that the soundtrack is out that there are full, finished, AMAZING tracks that just aren't in the movie and it's pretty clear they sync up really well with those scenes???? SO IT DEFINITELY SEEMS LIKE THE ORIGINAL INTENTION WAS TO NOT HAVE ANY OUTSIDE MUSIC BUT SOMEONE HIGHER UP DID SOME MEDDLING AND GOT THEM ADDED AND THAT IS INFURIATING. And you can totally tell!!! WE NEED A VERSION OF THE MOVIE WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL TRACKS PUT BACK IN FOR SURE

It continues to feel like there are whole scenes/parts of scenes just missing from the movie! FOR INSTANCE: it seems like a MAJOR plothole that Toad was captured alongside Peach but then he's just...walking around freely? Able to get her a bouquet with the ice flower??? I feel like something was missed there. I really do wonder if there's like 10-20 minutes of footage/potential footage that was mercilessly cut for time. Will we ever see some of it (maybe on the blu-ray)? Will it be lost to time/Nintendo's vault forever? SOMEONE LEAK THE FORBIDDEN SCENES :(

Speaking of, RIP "I'm not afraid! I'll do anything for my brother!" I WILL ALWAYS MOURN YOU AND LOVE YOU AND WONDER WHEN YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAID IN THE MOVIE

Guys. The slow motion. WE GET IT. It's funny the first couple of times, but by the fifth time, it's SO OLD.

Also, I continue to desperately wish that the Luigi rescue at the end felt more earned. It's SO good but it needs one more beat! One more realization! One more character moment! SOMETHING! :( :( :( :(

I had ANOTHER idea about how they could have sold this more and even tied it back to an earlier moment in the movie. When the scene cuts to Luigi in the dumpster watching Mario fight, frame what he's seeing so that it reminds him of being babies on the playground again, but now Mario's where Luigi was!!! And Bowser's the bully!!! And his brother needs him just as much as Luigi needed Mario back then!!!! You wouldn't even need any dialogue - just let the shot LINGER on Luigi and give us a tiny bit of that flashback intercut one more time alongside his changing expressions! It would be SO simple but I think it'd be effective AND give that earlier flashback more reason to be there in the first place (as adorable as it is).

OK I'VE TALKED ENOUGH