#like i got really depressed because i also started experiencing psychosis

[elytrafemme]

also look a lot of stuff went down when i was high and i should have expected some of it but was seriously nobody going to tell me about the pain because like that was INSANE to experience

[detentiontrack]

can u talk a little about what meds you take for your bipolar and if they help/side effects u experience?

Absolutely!!! So I’m currently on 3 medications to manage my bipolar and PTSD

Lithium - started taking in 2022. Honestly this works GREAT. It helps with the depression and the rapid cycling (I used to rapid cycle a lot) and the mood swings. People always talk about how many side effects lithium has, but I honestly don’t really notice any at this point. When I first started taking it, I got SUPER nauseous, but after about a month my body got used to it and I didn’t experience any nausea except for when my dose was changed (which also resolved quickly). The only thing I should warn you about with lithium, is that when you first get on it, you’ll have to do a few blood tests to make sure your lithium levels are in the normal range. I think I got about 4 between 2022 & 2023 when I started getting my dose raised. I started on what I think is 600mg (I got put on it at the mental hospital so I’m not 100% sure if that’s the dose I started at) and now I’m on 1200mg and have been since 2023.

Next up is prozac - this is my newest medication. I started taking it for anxiety/PTSD, but I think it’s also helped with my depression. This med has gotten rid of most of my anxiety and panic attacks, and I also experience very minimal side effects. The only ones I can think of is dry mouth/excessive thirst (I always have to keep a drink with me) and (TMI warning) it’s also decreased my sex drive. The only thing I should warn you about is that if you’re bipolar, you need to be REALLY careful with SSRIs. SSRIs are notorious for causing intense mania (my first true manic episode was brought on by Zoloft) so consult with your doctor and make sure they’re aware of treatments for bipolar. I didn’t get manic from the Prozac, but I also started at a really low dose and we raised it gradually over time. (I’m on 20mg now. Started out on 5mg back in October)

Next up Lybalvi - I’m not even kidding when I say this medication saved my life. The first half of 2023, I was dysphorically manic and experiencing some of the worse psychosis I’ve ever experienced (like. I was locked in delusions and hallucinations 24/7. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I heard voices constantly, I genuinely thought God was targeting me specifically and trying to kill me so I was super paranoid and out of it) and my psychiatrist said that either I go back on an antipsychotic, or he was going to send me to the mental hospital again. Lybalvi is a combination of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and Samidorphan. This medication got rid of ALL of my psychosis, minimized my depression, stopped me from becoming manic, and made it so I didn’t have the negative symptoms of psychosis. It’s the only antipsychotic that has helped me and not made me worse. The only big side effects I’ve noticed are muscle jerks, brain fog (if I take it too late. I’m usually fine if I take it before 9pm), dry mouth/excessive thirst, and a LOT of weight gain. The samidorphan is supposed to make it so that you don’t gain weight, but I gained around 60lbs from April 2023-January 2024. But even knowing what I know now, I would still choose to take it because it’s really helped so much. It’s because of this med that I’ve been hospital free for almost 2 years and I’m able to have a normal life and balance school and work and all that stuff. Don’t be scared of the med because of the weight gain side effect. It’s better to buy new pants in a few sizes up than it is to be in and out of the mental hospital every few months. I started on 5 or 10mg and now I take 15mg.

[octopustoaster]

Okay I’m feeling talkative right now but.

I don’t think non-psychotic people understand what it’s like to be psychotic and to see media depictions of psychotic people. They’re not. Good.

I’ve had delusions since I was 6 and hallucinations since I was 8. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 14, although my diagnosis has shifted with therapist changes. I just say I’m schizophrenic because it’s easiest and what I’m most used to but I’ve also been diagnosed with psychotic OCD, schizoaffective, and psychotic PTSD. Point is, I experience psychosis and have for a long time, it’s just hard to pinpoint exactly what is causing that psychosis.

When I started getting hallucinations, I thought there was something morally wrong with me and that’s why I was getting them. That it was some sort of punishment. I still feel that way. It’s part of my delusions, my hallucinations are… punishments for wrongdoings. But I also thought that I was the only one experiencing it to that degree because I was unfit for society. Really, I thought that everyone must deal with something similar, but I was the only one struggling, the only one who was frightened by it, because there was something defective with me.

Even at that young age the people who had hallucinations in media where the villains, were people who were having a mental breakdown, were people who had something wrong with the kind of person they were. So, for a long time, I hid them.

And then I got older and I learned what schizophrenia was but even then the disorder was always the butt of jokes, or was depicted in that same grotesque way.

Even now, as an adult, I’ve found few representations of psychosis that are positive or even neutral.

I’ve had people, when I tell them I have schizophrenia, treat me like I’m a ticking bomb. I’ve been reported for being a danger to myself or others, I’ve been told that I should be in a psych ward, I’ve been told that people like me are less than human. And, uh, I dunno, maybe that’s not great? Like maybe we need people to know that psychotic people are normal actually? We can live normal lives?

And, of course, if’s totally fine if a psychotic person can’t live a normal life and they ALSO deserve to be treated like a human. We also need positive depictions of psychotic people who live full time in in-patient, who live off of disability, who can’t manage a job or relationships or other things that we define as “success.” We all deserve better!! So many people are psychotic, why does our media not reflect that??? Why do I have to be people’s first positive experience with schizophrenia?? Why do I have to explain what psychosis is to people, because they don’t know?? If people can know what anxiety and depression are, they can know what psychosis is.

[chaotic-queer-disaster]

Do you have any tips/advice for getting parents to believe you when it comes to mental illness/neurological disorders?

SO sorry this was like the third ask i EVER got back in like JANUARY you probably wont even see this but im going to give some advice anyway in case you do or other people do.

make a list. a really, really extensive list. list out each part of the criteria, and under each part, every single way you can think of that you fit it. once you've done that, also list any common symptoms that aren't necessarily part of the criteria that you have. explain why you think you have this, not that, or this AND that. (e.g. "i have schizoid PD, not autism, because [X]" or "i have ADHD and OCD, because [X]". don't forget to list how it affects your life, too; a lot of these disorders have "must cause impairment in life functioning" or a similar statement in their diagnostic criteria. additionally, you want to dispel common myths ("girls can't be autistic" "psychosis is always obvious" "BPD is a girl thing" "ADHD is just being hyperactive" "you can only have psychosis if you're schizophrenic"), so your parents aren't operating on the wrong ideas.

to show how this would look: let's pretend you have schizophrenia and want to get your parents to help you pursue diagnosis (or even just believe you).

you would list the first bullet point of the DSM requirements out (having 2 out of 5 of blah blah blah stuff for X amount of time, 1 or more being 1, 2, or 3 on the list), show how many you had--e.g., hallucinations (number 2), disorganized speech, and negative symptoms for 8 months.

then you'd do the same thing with point 2, proving that your level of functioning since the onset was lower than your level of functioning pre-onset. lower grades, difficulty with self-care, difficulty in interpersonal relationships, etc. You'd also probably list this with point 3, proving the difficulty has persisted for at least 6 months, with at least 1 month of symptoms.

you'd then show that you've ruled out schizoaffective disorder and depressive or bipolar disorder w/psychotic features (alternate diagnoses). this would be basically "here's a list of why i'm NOT just bipolar/depresssed/etc". You'd also then talk about how it's NOT drug related/induced.

Then, you would list a variety of common schizophrenia traits that you've experienced since when you think onset started. After that, you'd list some common myths ("schizophrenia makes you violent" "hallucinations are always super super vivid" & the like) and why they aren't true.

Hopefully, if you went through all that, they'd be able to understand it. if they didn't, I'd suggest talking to a school counselor/therapist, but those are... varying in how helpful they are.

Obviously that doesn't just work for schizophrenia, you can use that process for most disorders, I just used it bc I had the DSM open (I read it for fun. don't ask) near the schizophrenia page.

[sentimental-apathy]

I need a new psychiatrist. I’m so frustrated. I’ve basically been without medication for my bipolar depression and insomnia for almost 3 months now. Olanzapine was making me gain weight and tbh it had kinda stopped helping me sleep so I was at a loss. So he prescribed me topamax and ziprazidone. Topamax is supposed to help suppress my appetite and the ziprazidone was supposed to treat my bipolar depression. But my main issue is insomnia. I keep getting treated like I have schizophrenia when the only times I’ve experienced symptoms of that is when I go into psychosis due to severe insomnia. I don’t have schizoaffective or schizophrenia. I have severe insomnia and depression and occasional/rare manic episodes that worsen the insomnia. However, it’s been over 2 years since I experienced a “manic” episode and I believe it was partly induced by using too much thc. So anyway. The ziprazidone did not help me sleep whatsoever so I stopped taking it and talked to my psychiatrist again. He prescribed me a medication called Lybalvi which is olanzapine and samidorphan combined to help you sleep, treat bipolar, and also reduce weight gain. Problem was Medicaid wouldn’t cover it. My psychiatrist never called me to explain what was going on or to try and put me on something else, I just ended up waiting over a month trying to get hold of them to see what was happening and if I’d get the medication or not and eventually I was just like ok fuck this and made a new appointment because I wasn’t getting anywhere and I still was struggling to sleep well. So at my last appointment a couple weeks ago he was really discouraging me because he was acting like he didn’t know what else to do and like he couldn’t think of any more meds to try for me and suggested abilify when I’d already tried abilify twice and it doesn’t help me sleep so what’s the point? I asked if he could prescribe me Caplyta because I’d done research on bipolar depression medications that help you sleep and it was suggested. He said he’d never prescribed that before so he didn’t want to prescribe it to me and instead recommended I try Vraylar. I was disappointed but said ok. Later that day I’m notified by text that my prescription isn’t ready because they’re having insurance issues. Again. So at this point I was fuming. Anyway it’s like a week and a half later and it finally got approved by Medicaid so I picked it up yesterday and took it last night with my other meds and guess what. I couldn’t sleep. In fact, even tho I was really tired, I felt utterly restless for some reason and my thoughts kept going to weird places, kinda like I was dreaming but fully awake and tossing and turning, unable to stay still. So I looked it up. Apparently vraylar can cause restlessness and insomnia. Like. Wtf. This psychiatrist is so inept at this point it’s ridiculous. I’m telling him over and over during every appointment, my mood is fine but I can’t sleep, not sleeping, trouble sleeping, my sleep schedule is all over the place, please help me with my insomnia and instead of treating that or listening to me he keeps prescribing me schizophrenia meds that I don’t fucking need, that don’t help me sleep. I’m so frustrated and mad right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m gonna have to find a new psychiatrist. Not looking forward to it. Meanwhile I’ve been trying to find a job, applying to some different positions but haven’t heard anything back. I’m so anxious and nervous that I’m gonna get a call and then start working but still be struggling to sleep and then I’ll have to work while getting no sleep and that usually leads to me having a breakdown so I’m just really anxious in general about everything. I’m really struggling mentally right now. I’m super depressed but my insomnia is the worst. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated.

[cursedcomputer]

mental health thoughts after the last reblog

you know, i wasn't sure if i should post this here, but i just reblogged a post related to it, so here we go. i still feel vulnerable posting these thoughts, so i still might delete this later. btw this is also kind of long. sorry.

note: i definitely feel like i'm probably over reacting to a lot of this, but do feel free to correct me on anything.

ANYWAY, okay, how do i start talking about this? i'm no fan of the DSM, but i've been doing research on something, and it lead up to doing research on psychotic disorders and disorders with psychotic features. back when i was in my teens, i was diagnosed with MDD "possibly with psychotic features" before i knew much about psychosis. i was told that my narcolepsy was causing the weird brain stuff that could be related to that because, well, it can cause psychotic-like symptoms. but anyway. i should get to the point.

during the time i got that psych exam, and during years surrounding it, i was dealing with catatonia (based on what a therapist said), hallucinations that really stressed me out (mostly episodic), and weird beliefs (the example i like to give is the time where i believed an imposter took over my partner's body because i've talked about it enough tor remember it, even with my shitty memory), and more. i would either have few-hour long episodes that happened when my BPD stuff was acting up or longer ones that were more more random (i think).

anyway, i don't really bring these experiences up to psychs because they usually change the subject or are like "you don't seem like someone who's psychotic." (reminds me of the psychiatrist that looked at "R/O BPD" on my exam results and was like, "you just don't seem like you have BPD. i can tell as soon as patients walk into my office!" and therefore didn't even look for it. (and then another psych, later on, said i fit the criteria, but whatever).

back to the point. it's been really hard to tell if what i'm experiencing is depression or negative symptoms. after upping certain medications, i don't think i've experienced the "depressed mood" symptom for a long time, which makes my psych nurse wonder if i'm even experiencing depression. (though i know that you don't need the "depressed mood" symptom to be in a depressive episode, so idk.) but one thing i've noticed is that the symptoms of depression i do experience are also negative symptoms. plus i experience negative symptoms that aren't criteria for depression. whatever these symptoms are have potentially taken over my life more than most things.

but one big detail is that i stopped experiencing positive symptoms (except for when i'm on weed). i was out of an episode for a few months (longer than usual), and then started an atypical antipsychotic, and now i haven't experienced them in years, whatever the reason is.

it could be the medication, but i don't think that usually makes positive symptoms... go away completely? i've also been researching residual psychotic disorders (or the "residual stage" of schizophrenia for example), which aren't in the DSM-5 (they were in the DSM-4, but i'd figure it's still a phenomenon), and i've only spent like 5-7 hours researching total, but it seems to... fit? but obviously there could be something i'm missing.

i'm not claiming i fit the criteria of anything i've been talking about. it really just makes me wonder how what's going on would be labeled. i hope i'm not too ridiculous for wondering about this.

[albatris]

ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

[scripttorture]

Sorry if something similar has been asked before, I'm writing a story where my main character spends a long period of time in (near) complete social isolation. He's locked in one room with a mechanical bird he made that can physically but not verbally respond to him, but no other contact with anyone else. Food and water isnt an issue. Time works a lot differently in that room, but what sort of mental and physical affects could you expect to see in the equivalent of about 10-15 weeks?

same anon w the bird and isolation: If it would change any answer, this character is roughly his early 30s, the room is the weaponry forge where he works and he's spent around 10 years in it. He started locking the door to keep distractions out but essentially the world ended and he was barricaded in from the outside. isolation anon again pt3, I now realise this doesn't sound like an ask abt the effects of torture, my character does believe he was barricaded in on purpose and then forgotten about, as it has been done to him a few times before (for like a few hours), and while afterwards he knows it wasn't torture, during and for a long time after he believes it was absolutely intentional

-

For the record I do take questions like this, which don’t meet the strict legal definition of torture. You’re talking about something that’s commonly used as a torture technique and asking about the effects (and whether the accidental nature makes a difference to those effects). I can help with that.

 In this particular case I don’t think the fact this is an accident will make much difference. Outlook and intent can make a big difference, informed consent also makes a big difference, but in this case you’re talking about deprivation of something humans need.

 I’ve read interviews where people have had a positive take on losing a limb, going blind and a whole host of other really painful things. But in every case these things were done with informed consent and they didn’t involve deprivation of something we need to survive.

 What I’m driving at here is that humans are social animals, a lack of social contact is profoundly bad for us. In the same way that lack of food, water or oxygen is bad for us. And anything that relies on deprivation of a physical need has knock on physical and psychological effects whether we have a positive take on it or not.

 Basically you’re writing solitary confinement and the good news is that there is a lot of free to access research on that and a wealth of survivor accounts online.

 My masterpost is over here. You might also want to take a look at Shalev’s Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement which I link to as one of my sources. It’s free, online, very detailed and contains a lot of short interviews with survivors.

 The time frame you’ve picked is a pretty good one. It would cause lasting mental health problems but (without prior mental health problems) it would be survivable for most people. You’ve also mitigated most of the factors we know make solitary worse, though not knowing when he’ll be able to come out would have a negative effect.

 Some of the physical symptoms listed in the masterpost, such as eye problems, might be down to bad cell conditions. Most of the data set we have for isolation and solitary confinement comes from prisoners held in cells that we know are too small for comfort and may be sub-standard in a lot of other ways.

 The solitary data set is large enough for a meaningful examination of which symptoms are more common. The trouble is that the papers available don’t really agree. Different types of analysis seem to yield very different results.

 Broadly speaking depression and anxiety tend to come at the top of the list. Hallucinations and psychosis tend to be less common, but they become more likely the longer someone is in solitary confinement and some estimates put hallucinations as high as 30%.

 Not everyone will develop every possible symptom (though keep in mind that a sense of helplessness, anxiety/depression and mood swings are experienced by the majority), so there is some scope to choose what you want your character to experience.

 I think the best way to approach the problem is as a writer: which of the possible symptoms fit best with the character and the story you want to tell?

 I’ve got an example of how to think that through in an ask here. It’s focused on torture generally rather then solitary confinement specifically and there are differences in the possible symptoms.

 I’ve only written solitary confinement once, though I am planning to use it again in other stories. The character I was writing had prior mental health problems and the story was from his perspective. I focused on the worsening of those symptoms because that was something the character was extremely aware of.

 He also experienced memory problems, lethargy, insomnia, hallucinations (partly plot and partly because I’d established he had a prior history of them), self harm and feelings of helplessness. Some of those things, like the memory problems, he was unaware of until other people pointed it out later.

 I choose a lot of those symptoms because I was trying to create an unsettling, dream-like feeling in the narrative. I wanted the lines between reality and hallucinations to blur.

 I’ve also written a character who was socially isolated. She was camping in the woods with some (but probably not enough) human contact. She didn’t have prior mental health problems and wasn’t isolated for as long as the character in solitary. She was also younger.

 The symptoms I picked for her were mood swings, irrational impulses, depression and feelings of helplessness. Again these fed into the overall plot, some of which could only go forward if she made spur of the moment decisions without entirely thinking things through.

 Look up Shalev’s sourcebook and read the survivor accounts. I think they’ll give you a good idea of the sorts of things people experience in solitary.

 After that approach the list of symptoms as a writer: think about which symptoms can feed in to what you’ve planned for the story, tone of the narrative or the character. Symptoms aren’t a block on the story. They’re another element we can use to add to it.

 I hope that helps. :)

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[psychotic-spectrum]

An update (long post ahead)

Hello everyone. I know I haven’t been really active on this blog lately, but I’ve been going through rough patch. Since around June, more or so. I started a job at a call center where I lasted a month and I was fired without a specific reason. but I had to take that job because due to the pandemic and lockdown there were no jobs available for executive assistants which is what I do nor English teaching jobs which I don’t like doing but I was wiling to go back to that job if necessary because, you know, one has to make a living. But the only thing I could find was this call center that paid only slightly above minimal wage. So when I lost that job, I lost it. I started experiencing some strange religious delusions which I’m a little embarrassed to describe but I felt them in my body, Also I started (Trigger warning) to self harm again after years of being clean, but this time related to the delusions. My medication wasn’t really working. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist in August, and the week I had the appointment, she decides not to show up, in the hospital they said she was gonna call me to have a phone appointment but she didn’t, I called again desperate almost begging them to let me talk to her cause I was feeling awful. Meanwhile I got another job, once again at a call center but part time, the only problem is that it was a night time job, which is horrible for people with mental disorders, but I needed a job. However, a good thing happened, the government allowed us to get money from our retirement and also gave us a loan so I had money now so this job wasn’t so necessary. I felt even worse at this job, sleeping during the day was horrible and I never felt rested enough.

Anyways, I finally got the chance to talk to my psychiatrist and I explained her how bad I was feeling, and she said if I didn’t improve with med adjustment I should be hospitalized, I asked her for alternatives like a day time hospital or something, my last hospitalization was only two years ago!! She said she would think about it.

I got to see her a couple of weeks ago and we have a very short conversation where I tell her my delusions hadn’t gone away and she prescribes even more meds, however, this time I had already got a call from the day hospital saying they were gonna treat me there. I started treatment at the day hospital last week and it’s been great, the psychiatrist there actually cares and I’m gonna have a psychologist and an occupational therapist who’s gonna help me find a job related to my line of work. And I decided to quit this night time job, on Monday it’s my last day!!

According to this psychiatrist, my delusions are because I’m going through a big depression and (trigger warning) suicidal thoughts. I didn’t think it was actually depression, I thought it was more psychosis, but he said the interpretation of my delusions were that I didn´t want to be alive, that I felt worthless, etc. Regarding meds, my psychiatrist added sertraline to the bupropion for depression and increased the aripiprazole for the delusions. He said in about a month or two going to the hospital 3 times a week I’m gonna be ok. I don’t feel better yet but I hope this works,

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on in my life, I promise I’ll answer your questions as soon as I have time, meanwhile I’ll try to reblog informative posts.

Please take care of yourselves and thanks for reading!!

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[lilyhoshikawa]

Futaba headcanons master post time >:3c

Much credit to @a-missing-ache for talking to me a bunch about this girl so I could put this together~! Many of the ideas here were either ideas she had that I adopted, or things that came up in conversation with her.

- Autistic trans girl with depression, PTSD, and psychosis. Experiences paranoid delusions and visual and auditory hallucinations prior to her arc in the game. Prone to suicide idealization and intrusive thoughts. Susceptible to self-harm if her self-hatred goes unchecked.

- Some of her main special interests are computers, video games, and anime. She gets extremely hyperfixated on games that she really likes and will play them basically nonstop. She’ll play Animal Crossing for a full day if someone isn’t there to cut in and stop her.

- The coat she wears in winter is her favorite, it’s a very good texture stim and she likes to rub her face against the fluffy bit at the top. She also likes to stim with arm flaps or kicking her leggies, but she gets nervous about doing this in public.

- She wears her headphones pretty much all the time as a sensory tool. Often times she won’t have anything playing, but the headphones have a noise-cancelling mode that she leaves it on most of the time to avoid sensory overload and feel safer. She basically only takes them off if they need to charge or she knows it’s safe to. She panics when they run out of battery, but she has an additional pair of wired headphones to use when her main pair is charging. She has basically the longest battery life she could get on her wireless headphones, but since she frequently passes out at random times without turning them off or plugging them in they still die fairly frequently on her. She can’t go to sleep without some headphones on playing white noise or a podcast or quiet music from a video game.

- She goes nonverbal fairly frequently, and typically makes use of texting to communicate with others instead. If she’s alone, she’ll often call one of the other thieves (Ren most often) to have them talk to her and ground her, and sometimes speak for her if need be. After her initial arc, Sojiro learns about her texting thing and gets help from Ren with learning how to use a phone to text and starts using it to text her when she needs to.

- Sojiro’s curry is her staple food, and she eats it pretty much at least once a day for the most part.

- She’s a big coffee drinker, and she takes it black. Sojiro previously would make her a cup in the morning and bring some back from his work when he came home at night, with her leaving the room to make her own cup during the afternoon. She finds drinking it relaxing.

- Prior to meeting the Phantom Thieves, she experienced fairly regular hallucinations and delusions, often being convinced that her mother was in her room or was out to get her somehow. She would hear her mother talking to her or see her appear in her room and usually leave in a panic if she could manage to get up. Sojiro did his best to help her but really didn’t have the tools to understand what she was going through. After her Palace, she gains the confidence to be open with him about her experiences and is eventually put on medication to help with them. It doesn’t make it stop entirely, but becomes far less frequent and allows her to live a more normal life.

- She’ll sometimes have panic attacks which usually result in her laying in bed for awhile experiencing suicidal thoughts until they go away, but as time goes on she learns to manage these attacks a lot better, and avoid hurting herself or letting her intrusive thoughts run wild.

- Part of her shyness and social anxiety comes from a mix of autism, dysphoria, and a general lack of experience being out in the world. She’s easily startled and frightened and usually still needs someone to go with her any time she leaves the house. She likes to make herself small, which is why she frequently sits the way she does, and a lot of times she’ll just sit down on the floor, because she likes it there. She’ll frequently ask others to stop if she’s in too noisy of an area and begins to experience sensory overload, sit down on the floor in a quieter place somewhere and recharge.

- After the Hawaii trip, Ren decides to do video calls with Futaba sometimes so he can show her where he is or what he’s doing when she’s not feeling able to go outside that day. If she doesn’t want to show her face, she holds up a plushie or Morgana in front of her end of the screen instead.

- Part of her social anxiety is with presenting well in public, having fits of big dysphoria, and she’s pretty self-conscious about her voice, so she likes to do the texting thing a lot when she gets nervous and also just speak quietly sometimes, especially if it’s with Ren.

- She retains an issue with eating normally and still has a hard time convincing herself to eat sometimes, and will skip meals on occasion. She has a habit of texting one of the Thieves and asking them for permission to get a snack or a meal, and they always immediately tell her it’s okay, and that confirmation is enough for her. Sojiro sometimes takes her and Ren out for ice cream as a family bonding experience and she loves it. It was meant to be a one-off celebration after she recovered but she loved it so much Sojiro decided he had to make it a regular thing.

- She’s prone to taking depression naps, though before she starts recovering it’s less “depression naps” and more “she stays in her room with lights down and her curtains drawn so she has no concept of time and just kinda passes out and wakes up at random intervals with no consideration for what time it is”. She gets better about it but she falls back into weird and irregular sleeping patterns fairly often and she always hates resetting her internal clock. It’s at least easier than going until she collapses for days on end, though.

- She’ll often take naps inside her Persona, Navi, if she randomly gets tired while the group is just exploring and confirms they don’t think they’ll need her for some time. She’ll also sometimes nap in the Mona car. They’re safe, cozy little spaces that make her feel protected and comfortable so they’re prime napping spots.

- Ren has insomnia and Futaba has a really messed up sleep schedule so sometimes when they’re both awake at like 4am they’ll just text each other and sometimes play a game with one another to pass the time.

- She’s still very prone to nightmares and will sometimes wake up in a panic, and if no one is around it sometimes results in a full meltdown and in the worst case scenario she ends up getting hurt, so she tries to keep people on standby.

- She is, in fact, very funny and snarky when she wants to be, and is actually good at communicating her infodumps with humor and casual speech that makes it understandable for the others.

- If she’d not immediately involved in a conversation that involves a large enough group of people, she’ll just zone out until she’s mentioned again or feels a time to interject. Sometimes she’ll start playing phone games.

- She plays trading card games. She sometimes joins competitive tournaments online when she can, but is too scared to go to them IRL. She promises herself she’ll try it some day.

- As a disaster pansexual, she is very prone to developing crushes on any random girl at a coffee shop who’s even the littlest bit nice to her. She’s still got crushes on Ann and Haru, both of whom know it (it’s fairly obvious), but they don’t let her know that.

- She likes to pose, or do silly energetic motions just for the fun of it. She takes joy in just doing a little dance while she’s talking to someone sometimes. She likes to go “nya” also, especially around Morgana.

- She has nicknamed the position she always goes into whenever she sits (usually to make herself feel cozy and safe and also to be as small as possible) the “Futababall”.

- Before meeting the Thieves, she actually didn’t play multiplayer games very much, as even that level of interaction with others intimidated her to some degree. Ren was the first person she ever played video games with, and she kicked his ass at Smash Bros.

- She experiences periods of severe dysphoria during which she struggles to look at herself and often feels hopelessness or despair. During these periods Ren and Sojiro have taken to putting up a blanket to cover the bathroom mirror so that she can still shower normally and wash her hands and go in and out of the bathroom.

- Before her Palace, she would often go days without eating, or only eat once, through a mix of forgetting to eat, losing track of time, and convincing herself she didn’t deserve it. She sometimes relapses on this but is usually good about bouncing back after a day or two.

- The Thieves star making Futaba’s room one of their main meeting places because she feels safe and comfortable there.

- She doesn’t like it when her room is brightly lit up but if it’s pitch-dark with no lights on she becomes extremely anxious and terrified, gets jittery and sometimes has panic attacks or experiences visual hallucinations. Her preferred method is to use the light of her computer to keep the room dim, but bright enough to see everything, or having curtains half-drawn.

- She sometimes forgot to take her meds when she first started on them and this bothered her so much that she eventually began setting five distinct timers for each dose, and sometimes they’ll just all go off in succession when she’s with the group and confuse them all.

- She collects plushies of her favorite anime characters, because it’s merch you can hug!! She loves cuddling her plushies, especially when she’s feeling a bit nervous. They’re a nice sensory feeling, they remind her of her friends, and they feel safe.

- Sometimes when she’s having a hard time sleeping, she’ll invite Ren to come to her room to hang out while she falls asleep to help her feel safe. He’ll often invite Ryuji over for a date or something and she’ll help them set up a video game to play with each other while they’re there. Ryuji initially had a problem of yelling when he lost in the game and waking her up but he got better about it after awhile.

- Every morning around 5-6am Ren wakes up usually due to insomnia or nightmares and he immediately goes to check on Futaba to see if she’s asleep yet, he often finds her in her room on her laptop unaware of what time it is and when she sees him she does a little yell and jumps into bed and he reassures her that it’s ok before leaving and going back to bed.

- She likes to make fun of Ren for having a criminal record sometimes, noting that the hacking she’s done with Medjid is by far more illegal than him beating up a rich abuser once.

- She like spending time with the lady Phantom Thieves because she really likes girls and they all think it’s cute how gay she is, and try to give her tips about it. If Ren isn’t available she opts for inviting one or more of the girls to hang out with her and it makes her feel very good to be around them. Ann sometimes gives her some of her old clothes and it feels super validating for her.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

As a person who has psychotic disorders, seeing that it may cause complications with Top surgery makes me want to straight up lie lie lie about it all the way until after the surgery is already done and over. There’s no way in hell im going on medications for it either. So if they don’t know I have it, there won’t be a problem right?

Lee says:

Being diagnosed with a psychotic disorder doesn’t mean that you can’t get top surgery, but it does mean it can be a bit harder to get. I’m saying this from personal experience as someone who had top surgery with psychosis.

However, I still don’t think you should lie about experiencing psychosis because that means you’re blocking yourself from getting treatment that could help you.

—–

[The WPATH guidelines say:

“When patients with gender dysphoria are also diagnosed with severe psychiatric disorders and impaired reality testing (e.g., psychotic episodes, bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder), an effort must be made to improve these conditions with psychotropic medications and/or psychotherapy before surgery is contemplated. 

Reevaluation by a mental health professional qualified to assess and manage psychotic conditions should be conducted prior to surgery, describing the patient’s mental status and readiness for surgery. It is preferable that this mental health professional be familiar with the patient. No surgery should be performed while a patient is actively psychotic.”

/End quote from WPATH guidelines]

—–

If you think that there’s no way that you will have a period where you aren’t actively psychotic, thus blocking your access to surgery, and you don’t think that your life/health will be in danger by not disclosing the psychosis to your treatment provider then it’s your decision if you think you should minimize it during your therapy sessions when you’re trying to get your WPATH letter. 

I really disagree with that part of the WPATH standards and I think they’re an unnecessary barrier towards accessing the treatment that you need, both medical transitioning and mental health care. 

But you don’t know that it’s impossible to control your psychosis because you haven’t tried medication yet. I wouldn’t lie about not having psychosis until you’ve tried all avenues of treatment because there’s a possibility that you will be able to manage your symptoms and then you can get top surgery with the added bonus of being a bit more stable.

I had the same struggle when I was trying to get my top surgery letter. I didn’t want to tell my treatment team about my symptoms because it meant getting the letter would be harder, but I also couldn’t move forward in my mental health recovery if I lied and pretended that I wasn’t struggling with the things that I was. 

The WPATH guidelines don’t say that you can’t get top surgery unless you no longer have a psychotic disorder- they say an effort has to be made to control the symptoms with therapy and/or meds first, and once your symptoms are managed then you can move forward. 

Treatment doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have the disorder anymore, it means you’ve tried to minimize the symptoms and then learn how to cope with what’s left. When I had top surgery, I was still diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, and I still am of course.

It’s one thing if you’ve been on different combinations of meds for a while and that hasn’t helped and therapy hasn’t helped, but this isn’t the case for you. I honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you that you should lie to your therapist and not tell them you have psychosis when it’s possible that telling them might help you be able to cope with it. 

I was in an ugly loop even if you ignore the way my psychotic disorder diagnosis played into it because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to reduce my dysphoria-induced depression unless I could get surgery, but I couldn’t get surgery until I could reduce my depression (my treatment team need me to be able to do certain things like eat every day, shower weekly, etc). I had a rough recovery (intensive outpatient for 6 months, 2 weeks hospitalized in the psych ward, and increasing doses of antipsychotics) but eventually I was able to get top surgery. 

That doesn’t mean that suddenly I was “Cured” of my disorder- I’ll probably have to cope with some symptoms all my life. But I am doing much better now, and if I hadn’t been in intensive outpatient or on medication, I probably wouldn’t have gotten better. It can be scary to move from individual therapy to any higher level of treatment, but sometimes it is necessary. 

Again, the WPATH guidelines really suck. And you shouldn’t have to choose between disclosing your mental health issues so you can get treatment and top surgery. But it’s also important to give treatment a chance so you can have both!

You should talk to your mental health providers, but if they recommend starting medication then I personally think you should do it. There’s a lot of stigma around taking antipsychotics, but they do help a lot of people and I really think you need to give them a chance first. 

-

Helpful links:

Getting a therapist and being in therapy as a trans teen

How can I help myself?

Coping with paranoid thoughts

How to deal with paranoia when you’re home alone

Court case thought challenge (worksheet)

5 aspects model (prompts)

ABC for paranoia

Paranoia self-help

Personal recovery plan

How to deal with paranoia

How to handle hallucinations

Coping with hallucinations and delusions

Self-care

Help with paranoia

An affirming help guide for living with schizophrenia

Living through the fog of a psychotic break

What to do about paranoia

How I’ve learned to cope with the voices in my head

Resources for psychotic people

Disorganized thinking

Coping with schizophrenia

Hallucination and Delusion Resources

Reality journal

Ideas for coping with psychosis

What is schizophrenia?

Mental health medications overview (more)

Starting psychiatric medication

A comic on starting psych meds

Things that you want to know about psychiatric medication

Taking pills when you struggle to do so

Remembering to take your medication

Medicated and mighty (more)

-

And again, it’s possible to have a psychotic disorder diagnosis and still get surgery! I got top surgery, a hysterectomy, and I’m getting phalloplasty next year. And I’m officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and take antipsychotics.

You can see my top surgery letter here. I redacted all the bits about my psychotic disorder when I uploaded it, but now I’m going to disclose because I feel like someone has to. It isn’t anything that we should be ashamed of. I still take antipsychotics twice a day. Here I am standing in front of ya with my morning dose of antipsychotics and my evening dose of antipsychotics! #MedicatedAndMighty

[Image one: Mod Lee is standing without a shirt holding two different bottles of antipsychotics in front of their chest which has faded top surgery scars.]

[Image two: There are three pill bottles on a dresser. All three are Quetiapine, the generic of the antipsychotic Seroquel, and are prescribed to Lee. Each is a different dose- one bottle has 200 mg extended release, one has 300 mg extended release, and one has 100 mg immediate/normal release.]

[omegas-spaghettios]

Dear A,

I do my best to not be a vindictive person. I have had a history of being vindictive to multiple people, and it's never ended well for anybody involved. But there are a lot of things you do that hurt me, even though you can't know why. That's why I'm writing here, to get my words out there without harming you.

I know you moved here within the last couple years and you are struggling to make friends, and I think you are a genuinely nice person. I've done all I can to talk to you and ask about your interests, and i agonized at Wal-Mart trying to find you the perfect gift. This isn't to guilt you, i happily chose to do all of that. And I believe your company is fun. I wouldn't really search it out much, but when I have it in the group it has mostly been pleasant.

Until recently.

Let me tell you some things I have gone through, A. I have grown up in LDS Utah as a closeted Bisexual. I have been through hell, and I know I have had it easier than a lot of LGBTQ+ people in that religion. Since 8th grade I have consistently had depression and anxiety, clinically diagnosed, with therapy and meds and everything due to living here, the social hatred is incredibly intense. During that time up till now, just finished 11th, I have also had multiple self harm and suicidal stretches. This isn't asking for pity, most kids my age unfortunately have had to go through this. This isn't new.

I started dating a mormon girl 10th grade year. It was good for a long while, but starting 11th year it got bad. She had awful anger management issues, and was incredibly vindictive. Not to mention that she guilted me into supressing my problems so I can help hers. For months I endured passive aggression and my own repression and fights and anger because I truly loved her. But last month I decided enough was enough. I cut it off. I am not of the LDS faith anymore, and that was a major part of the decision as she still is, but that wasn't really why.

Not to mention the hallucinations. For the last year I have had infrequent hallicunations of Wendigo's, i'm sure you know what those are, as well as paranoia. Just yesterday I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression induced psychosis. I took my meds for the first time today for the hallucinations and begin therapy Monday.

The point is, add all of this together with what has been happening in the world and the stress of me being asthmatic when a respiratory disease is running rampant, and i believe you can see why I am struggling. I have turned to our friend group of 7, A, to finally talk to my peers in healthy ways about my struggles and not face my ex's wrath. I'm really struggling and for once I feel like I have a good support network, one I only kind of get at home.

So why am I upset and hurt? Well, a lot things. A, I know you believe in witchcraft and paganism and that creepypastas like Slenderman and Jeff the Killer are real. Personally, I think it's not real in the slightest as it can't be empirically proven, but that isn't why I'm upset in these scenarios. I think your beliefs are a bit ridiculous, but I respect everyone's beliefs. You do you. It is how you have used your beliefs to inadvertently harm me.

I came out to the group as Bisexual. The deal is, 4 of the 6 of you gals all knew already. You didn't. The ones who already knew came out in support, and you were silent. No harm done, really. Felt kind of off, but oh well, I don't really care. You weren't vindictive and haven't been about it. The issue is, you came out as a witch to your parents and gave us the play by play expecting our comfort. The comfort you never afforded me. I still gave it, i remember the hell I went through when I came out as Bi to my parents and you shouldn't go through that alone. But it hurts, knowing it's one sided.

But that isn't all. Your parents wouldn't let you use a dating app, so you came to the group chat and said we needed to find you a boyfriend. That's my my place, find your own damn boyfriend. I am fresh out of an awful relationship and now a single Bisexual. Even if I wanted to think about anyone's relationships much less my own, do you think i would set you up with people I think were interesting? And not try to date them myself? But I was polite and told her the truth: I only talked to that friend group and one other person. A couple of others also respectfully declined to find you one. Then you had the fucking audacity to send in the chat a picture of you scowling and leaving at that. Not an emoji, no words, a picture of your actual face in pure disgust. That's when I got angry. How dare you demand I find you somebody. How dare you be that lazy and demand me, in my fucking disaster state, to do it for you.

Well then, let's address the mental issues I have. It isn't your fault, I want you to know. And any one of these instances is excusable, but together I don't think it is. I had a full on panic attack sitting two feet away from you and another friend, let's call her E. My paranoia was shooting through the roof, i felt like I was about to be killed and I couldn't breathe. E kept giving me concerned looks and mouthing if I was okay, in which I gave many half hearted thumbs up. She knew it was bullshit, but guess why she didn't say anything? Because you, A, were running off about how Slenderman is stalking you. You even said that paranoia and fear means he is around. Not that you believe that, that it is FACT. It was incredibly dehumanizing of you to tell me what I was experiencing in that exact moment was because some 2000's fictional monster was around. I didn't say anything, granted because I physically couldn't, but it's not your fault. But everyone I have ever met will tell you I wear my heart on my sleeve. So how you could sit next to me, who was silent and fighting tears and quietly trying to gasp for air and was shaking and was being quiet as to not bother you (thanks, ex), you ignored me. Not only that, you dehumanized the very reaction I was having. That really hurt, A. Unintentional or not, it hurt.

Not to mention when I made a meme of my full name on Kermit jumping off a cliff to commit suicide, I made that very clear in the meme. I posted it in the group chat. I know that is not a good way to reach out, but I haven't reached out to anyone in months, so it's better than I have in a long time. A, you just said "yeah" and moved on to some asinine topic. Others tried to bring it up but you steamrolled overthem with your rocks or Jeff the Killer or something. A very clear cry on my behalf for help, and you said "yeah". Thank you.

Then this morning. Last night I woke up around 1 AM absolutely panicked. Not able to breath, shaking, world spinning, sweats, everything. Like I was dropped right in the middle of my worst panic attack ever. I was sure SOMETHING was about to kill me. It took hours to feel safe, and i haven't slept since 1 AM. I posted in the chat that I couldn't sleep and needed to talk to somebody. It was late, but I needed somebody. I was vague, but I don't want to drop that i am psychotic in the middle of a group chat. Then you woke up around 9 and said "oh, I can't sleep most nights so I get your pain. I felt really sick last night and threw up." I don't mean to diminish your experiences, A. I don't know how hard it is for you. But I went through hell last night without any of my friends in the chat, I eventually got ahold of my sister. Then you have the audacity to come to me and say "I get it. I was ill last night, so I get it." Again, it could have been miserable for you. But you just ignored my cries for help AGAIN, and you tossed my pain out of view so you could go on about yourself AGAIN.

I've done so much to make you feel welcome. I wouldn't choose you as a friend, but you are in the group and as such have worked to make you feel like part of it. But you don't care about me. At least, it doesn't seem like you do. I have made it very clear multiple times that I am not okay (did I mention the time I posted things in that chat about me experiencing hallucinations and you didn't say a damn thing?) and you don't care.

I write this out here because you don't know what I'm going through, so I can't hold it all against you I guess. But with how dismissive you are I don't trust you with it. We will be nothing more than superficial friends, if that. I typed this out, so I'm going to take a deep breath and move on, I'll be civil and jovial with you. But you have hurt me deeply, and thus have lost my trust.

- Bryan

[imnotcrazyidontthink]

I am so grateful to have artist + mental health activist Kate Elizabeth share her story on the blog today. Her story has really touched me and I hope it can do the same for you - Leon Else

Hello, I’m Kate Elisabeth. I’m a non-binary pansexual, which is a fancy way of saying I’m hella queer. I’m also an illustrator who fancies cartoons, and I’m also a mental health activist!

My experience with mental health goes a little deeper than just receiving a diagnosis and treatment. 

When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos, where my immune system attacks my thyroid. I now need to take hormone replacements to make up for what my thyroid is lacking. After the diagnosis my parents assumed all of my apparent mental stress was a direct correlation to my autoimmune disease, rather than it being a separate Illness that needed its own attention. While it is true that Hashimotos can cause psychosis, the psychosis goes away once the thyroid is being treated. Mine stayed with me, like an unwanted roommate. 

I grew up in a dysfunctional household filled with marital issues and my parents having their own suppressed trauma and stress. My dad worked hard, and had worked hard his whole life. He depended on my mom to be able to take care of us when he was at work. She often did, and often did it quite well. But I think there were things she was unprepared to deal with, and she struggled to communicate this to her partner. 

My earliest memory of anxiety is when I was 6 years old, and I was unable to write a handful of thank you notes addressed to the students in my class. I remember feeling paralyzed by this sense of responsibility and I was so afraid of writing the wrong words. After all, I was 6 years old and didn’t have much experience writing anything at all. To be fair, my parents were unable to recognize this as anxiety because I don’t think they recognized their own for many, many years. Instead of asking me why I was stressed out, my mother criticized my inability to write the notes myself. She ended up doing it for me, and that was the first time I remember feeling like I had failed, and like I didn’t measure up. Moments like those throughout my childhood would have a direct correlation to the severe anxiety and depression that would develop later on.

 I remember I started hallucinating in fourth grade, and it would happen frequently when I was around 13. In fourth grade I remember visually hallucinating malformations on people’s faces or their body parts. I was probably 10 at this time and had no idea how to explain this to someone, so I went to the nurses office and told them I felt sick. I did that a lot during school, looking for reasons to go home sick so I could avoid seeing or hearing anything I didn’t want to see or hear.

 I began to isolate myself from family and friends as the years went on, and my parents attributed this to teen angst. I felt myself disconnecting from the world around me and I eventually lost my sense of self. By the time I was 16 I was on my third year of highschool and failing, while just doing the bare minimum to advance. I had no desire or will to live, and developed anorexia and other suicidal behaviors. 

When I was 17, I saw a psychiatrist and told him about my visual and auditory hallucinations, and he explained that I have schizophrenia, which is a grossly misunderstood form of psychosis. Unfortunately, his treatment methods got me nowhere, and I was briefly dependent on adderall. My parents stopped taking me to therapy, and I actually can’t say for sure what their reasons for that may have been, since there was always a persistent lack of communication.

 I graduated high school with mostly Ds, because my teachers all knew I was struggling and not receiving adequate treatment. It seemed like everyone besides my parents could realize that I needed intensive care and help.

During middle school, and into my junior year of high school, my main motivation for getting out of bed was artwork. I became known to everyone as the artist and that was the only facet of my identity. I would go to therapy for a few years on and off, but it was always me complaining about my parents, so no real progress on my mental health was made. I was under the impression that life was an illusion, and I had no way of being absolutely sure that the people around me were even real. Schizophrenia changes your perception of reality, and can cause delusional states of mind. It dulls your ability to feel strong emotions, and it can cause severe detachment from your sense of self. I legitimately felt like I was empty, and I couldn’t possibly imagine a brighter future.

 I became increasingly paranoid that people were lying to me about everything, and I had trust issues. I would spend weeks isolating myself in my room, accumulating piles of dirty dishes, trash, dirty clothes, etc. I was essentially living in my own misery. My mom often helped me clean my room, but became frustrated that I couldn’t keep it clean, There were times where she tried to not make me feel guilty, but I felt the guilt anyway. I remember always feeling like I had no control over anything.

When I was 18, I was raped repeatedly for two months by someone who I assumed I could trust. I was unable to leave my situation out of fear, denial, coercion, manipulation, and gaslighting. I started to smoke marijuana heavily during that time as a means of escapism. I was only able to leave that situation because he hit me over the head with a pair of drum sticks, and he was arrested and charged with domestic violence. 

I now have a restraining order against him. I also have a tattoo on my chest that he gave me without my consent, because I was under the influence of drugs. I remember standing in front of a mirror shirtless, then I remember being on a table getting tattooed. I don’t remember agreeing to getting anything tattooed. When it was over I tried to justify it and convince myself that I wanted this to happen. He treated me like a carnival prize that he had won, and he would objectify me to anyone who encountered us. He would tell me to take off my shirt and show people the tattoo that he gave me. I felt like a billboard for his own twisted personal brand of self aggrandizement. 

My mental health at the time was poor, even without the effects of drugs. I felt like what was happening to me was meant to happen as a means of punishment for not cleaning my room, not doing better in school, or whatever reason I could think of to explain cause of the abuse. I smoked weed every day for a year and a half to cope with everything. I’m 20 years old now, and I’ll be 21 on October 13th. It has taken me two and a half years to fully accept that it wasn’t my fault, and that blaming myself isn’t the answer. I couldn’t even talk about the sexual assault verbally without breaking down in tears until earlier this year.

That experience made me realize that life is not a delusion. Additionally, that I am in fact vulnerable to the same dangers as everyone else. I am not exempt from experiencing the impact of other people’s decisions.

This all made me reflect on my own life and the decisions I was making, as well as the people in my life. It has given me the motivation to take control over my college education, my career, and my art. I still suffer daily from all of my health issues, mental or otherwise, and the trauma of what I lived through. Although, what is different now is that I have a self awareness that could only have been gained from walking through Hell and coming out the other end alive. I also had to make a decision: I could either run away from my problems and ignore them, or I could actually get to know myself and figure out how to overcome these obstacles. 

This is a constant choice that I make every day. I can’t erase what happened to me, I can’t magically make my Hashimotos disappear, and I can’t cure my schizophrenia, but I can make the decision to try and live my best life despite it all. I strongly encourage all of you to do the same thing. I’m in school majoring in psychology now, and I am going to become a doctor in the field of psychiatry. I’m also still making art and I often enjoy it and find great pleasure in it. Having a creative outlet is so fundamental for your mental health. There’s an entire field of study for it, and it’s called art therapy.

If you’re depressed, have anxiety, OCD, or a broken leg, just know that positive things can and will happen when you make the conscious decision to help yourself. People will only understand that their depression or anxiety or mental illness can receive treatment if we educate and spread awareness. Suicide is an increasing epidemic because people are afraid to ask for help or talk about their feelings.

I encourage every one of you to understand the significance of mental health and why it’s morally ethical to assist those who need our help. If someone you know is suffering from depression or mental illness, or they’ve experienced a traumatic event, reach out to them and suggest they seek professional help and treatment.

There is hope, it gets better, and you are not alone.

Kate Elizabeth xo

[uncloseted]

Do you think Freddy played a role in Effy's mental health worsening? She said he made her weak and that's why she can't "fight her demons" anymore. Is there any truth in that? Also, what is it that caused her psychotic depression in the first place as well as that specific depressive episode? Do depressive episodes just appear randomly or are they triggered by something? Sorry, kind of a lot of questions at once but I'm always really interested in your thoughts.

I think she wants to blame him because it’s an easy correlation to make- opened up to Freddie, mental illness got worse, must mean the mental illness was caused by Freddie.  But I think the reality is that her external support system was crumbling already (Tony left for university, Anthea mentally checked out and then literally left her to go to Italy, Jim is nowhere to be found), and Freddie, although he’s trying his best, enabled a lot of her negative behaviors (I think of episode 405 when they’re in her house doing drugs, smoking and skipping school), which led to her mental health worsening even more.  The idea that Effy has demons that she’s fighting and Freddie is connected to that is part of her psychosis and not really based in reality. 

Why she started experiencing psychotic episodes during her depressive episodes is a more complicated question than it sounds because we don’t really know a lot about how mental illness works (and especially not psychosis) or why it manifests at certain times in people’s lives. I think intuitively people would want to say that the shroom trip in 308 triggered her psychotic depression (and that seems to be the position of the Skins YouTube page, but then again, the Skins YouTube page also calls Katie “Katherine”), but that’s not how mental illness with psychotic features works with regards to mushrooms. There is a separate condition called “substance induced psychosis”, which may be why people associate them, but they’re not the same thing. It seems like Effy’s struggled with mental health since she was young and the psychosis was an extension of that. Typically, people who develop psychotic depression have had several purely depressive episodes before the onset of psychosis, which also seems to line up with her experience.

[alienrae]

context: i was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 in 2015. since monday i have experienced what i feel is mania (compared to hypomania which i would be able to identify and not worry about). depression is what i deal with most.

my doctor got me to start abilify/aripiprazole yesterday and i’m hella confused because i’ve never had psychosis but i am currently in a manic/hypomanic (i can’t really tell which) and i was buzzed as hell when i saw her but i don’t feel like i need antipsychotic meds if i’m not psychotic and have never experienced psychotic symptoms??? 

also i’m absolutely terrified of weight gain and i’ve heard many stories of this happening while on abilify which is another reason why i want to stop taking them, even though i’ve only taken 2 so far. 

i’m just scared that if i don’t take them my doctor (and psychiatrist i will probably end up seeing again since my doctor made an urgent referral) will think i’m refusing treatment and will have me put into hospital which i really don’t want obviously. 

i started taking the abilify yesterday and so far i’ve been restless and irritable while awake, and i slept for 12 hours (may be due to the diazepam i took as well) so in general i feel exhausted but at the same time i can’t get comfortable anywhere can’t sit still and it’s just so horrible