#like i understand it’s often expressed with the desire to be validating that everyone likes to have their work appreciated

[florbelles]

today in hag yells at clouds. i’m not sure where this mentality comes from, but people absolutely create without sharing their work. they absolutely create for the sake of it. that everyone everywhere only writes/paints/records/what have you for external validation is fundamentally untrue. people love doing those things. they love doing them alone. often someone’s favorite or best works are the ones that aren’t ever intended to see the light of day because they are made from pure unadulterated love and joy in creating. no, no one’s creative processes or endeavors feel that way all the time. no, it isn’t wrong to seek support or validation for your work. yes, everyone wants to feel appreciated when they share something. yes, often that’s a factor in why that work is shared. it’s not wrong to create with that in mind. it’s not even wrong to prefer the engagement to the process itself. but the notion that it’s the only reason anyone creates, or even the primary reason humans historically have done so, is not only untrue but pretty grim

[mobblespsycho100]

which one’s toshiro and whys he autistic?

[ID: full body colored illustration of toshiro from the dungeon meshi manga. /End ID]

THIS FREAKIN GUY!!!! anyway

[ID: anonymous tumblr ask: "would def love to hear ur autistic shuro thoughts". /End ID]

awesome. rant under the cut because it will be long

So before we understand why Toshiro is the way he is we must first understand two things abt him:

1. his household situation is a very traditional clan of warriors type situation. his father is very strict and he left his homeland to go to the Island and explore the dungeon to train and become a warrior to be someone suited as the family head

2. Eastern and Western cultures of respect/propriety are different, and Ryoko Kui highlights it well even in her fantasy world.

With that in mind, heres some bullet point rapid fire thoughts that consume my current state of dunmeshi brain:

Toshiro has an avoidant personality. He fears upsetting others due to his upbringing, and rarely tells others how he feels not because he thinks they would simply understand him but because he doesn't want to seem rude and imposing / cause offense to others especially since he's not in his own homeland / hes a foreigner that should respect the land's customs, not his own wishes.

Setting boundaries is hard for everyone, but especially autistic (and some other ND, like those with Avoidant Personality Disorder) people. Those with ASD, at least in my experience, don't want to be isolated from others. So they mask.

They mask what? their desires. their true selves. their opinions. their discomfort. all for the sake of pleasing others (who are often neurotypical)

With that in mind, suddenly, what Maizuru said abt him as a child makes sense. Due to his strict upbringing, Toshiro had to more or less hide his preferences and force himself to adapt to the rigid constraints of his culture and the pressure to be the next family head, this responsibility is his burden to bear and he cannot be someone who expresses his selfish desires instead of focusing on being a strong warrior and leader

"Why did he say he hate Laios and that it should've been obvious that he disliked/found Laios' treatment of him uncomfortable??" BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS. I'm not going to write off Laios' autism/autistic coding, but its baffling (note: definitely racism and bias for white autistic ppl) to me that a lot of ppl don't see Toshiro's perspective and straight up ignores it. This is a lack of wanting to be rude by speaking up that is based on culture difference on Toshiro's part, and straight up ignorant of his microagressions/racism and lack of self awareness on Laios' end. They were both right, they were both wrong too. This is a complicated conflict that cannot be boiled down to simple ableist/the NT vs ND divide. There's something called . intersectionality. Which brings me to the next point

Toshiro never actually hated Laios. He found him uncomfortable, yes. But he didn't /hate/ him, he was speaking out because he's had enough!!! he's done tolerating Laios' racist bullshit, and he's done following the arbitrary Eastern rules of respecting others and not being rude!!! He. Wants. Laios. To Understand. What. He. Was. Feeling. Because he just had enough!!!!! alright!!! he's at his limit hes at his breaking point, the one he loves is now probably beyond saving, and this is a good time as any to break the news to Laios that he thinks that Laios is impulsive and doesn't fully understand how his actions have consequences!!! Hes right abt this. His feelings on this is valid, just as valid as Laios'

General autistic traits I find from Toshiro: his admiration of Falin's indifference towards insects ("woah shes so brave and gentle!! just like me, fr!!!"), His lack of regard for his own needs and wants (needing to sleep and eat and drink) because he was super focused on saving Falin, His lack of like drastic expression changes, his discomfort with physical touch when it's initiated without consent (see: Laios hugging ppl extra bonus art by Ryoko Kui), his manner of like speaking short and concise, people pleasing tendencies, his like quick way of combat, rule upholder/routine following enjoyer, he seems distant from others even those he consider family not cuz of like any terrible reason but hes just. someone who enjoys his own time alone like. yeah

aannnnndd. thats abt it? i think.

Big part of this is definitely me relating to Shiro as an Asian (specifically chinese indonesian) person who is probably Autistic lmao. I hope this brings more insight on why Toshiro is actually one of the silliest and epiccest dunmeshi characters ever I love him

[hjemne]

I think a lot of the debates between fanfic writers / intra-community hostility (particularly around how 'accurately' characters are depicted in fic and how dominant explicit fics are becoming) are because the purpose and function of fanfic are fundamentally different for different people, and so fic authors play by very different rules while still using the same label of 'fanfiction' to describe it.

There's a spectrum to the purpose of writing fanfic that I think goes from 'fanfic as a form of literary character analysis' at one end, 'fanfic as smashing barbies together and putting characters in Situations' in the middle, and 'fanfic as a safe and communal space for exploring sexual fantasies' at the other end, which is an approach best summarised by this:

So fanfic writers and readers from the character analysis group might look at the fics written by that last group and go '??? WHY are they writing Mr Blorbo like this? this is so ooc what are they doing?' and the reason is that the fic has an entirely different purpose and is for an entirely different audience. We see so much in-fighting and morality policing over fanfic because people with VERY different expectations, motivations and priorities all share the same space.

A lot of the time when you come across a fic that makes you go 'what the FUCK is this, this is so ooc/fucked up', it makes a LOT more sense when you realise the author is much further towards the 'fanfic as a medium for pornography' side of the spectrum than you are. And when you see people complaining about the prevalence of x reader or explicit dead dove fics, instead of jumping into a pro vs anti 'fiction isn't reality' debate, consider whether they are a 'fanfic as character analysis' person expressing annoyance that it is (often) increasingly hard to find those types of fic.

Both of these uses of fanfic are valid, understandable and important to protect. It's no secret that the fanfic community is dominated by women and queer people, who haven't traditionally been the target audience of erotica/porn, and who absolutely deserve a space to express and explore sexual desires/fantasies. 'Fanfic as pornography' is not above criticism, but I think it's far more helpful to criticise it as you would more mainstream forms of porn.

'Thing X is getting increasingly common in fic and we as an entire community need to step back and consider the implications of X for how it fetishises Y minority group irl' -> yes

'Character A would NOT do [kink scenario]' -> you are missing the point of that fic, I fear

'I think it's frustrating how hard it can be to find fanfic about [theme in original work], everthing on AO3 is all just self-insert or ['''problematic''' ship no. 12457] fics :(' -> this statement is not a moral condemnation of these types of fic. people are allowed to not want to read 'fanfic as porn' fics. we don't need to start fights over this.

Horny fandom please remember you are in a fandom space where people are allowed to want fandom-centric stuff. Fandom-centric people please remember you are interacting with other people, who are allowed to be horny, and that fiction is absolutely the best and safest place to explore 'extreme' kinks. Yeah, it can be annoying that everyone gets crammed into the same spaces when we all have very different ideas of what we want fanfic to be, but this is the way things are, so we need to learn to understand each others perspectives and stop jumping into fights at the slightest perceived criticism of your personal way of doing things

[soberpluto]

Astrology Notes: What Binds Opposite Signs Together

Hi everyone! I haven't been here for a while, so it's good to be back again.

Little announcement: visit my site for Tarot and Astrology readings with a 25% off throughout November!

Here's a little piece on general knowledge about the 12 signs as a way to understand them better without having to memorize all their specific qualities... you can think of this as having 6 coins, each sign describing one side and its counterpart the other.

Aries-Libra (axis of the self and others): both seek reassurance and worth through people and they are good at making things happen (these are Cardinal signs). Aries wants to lead, conquer and be recognized, while Libra wants to connect, harmonize and be cherished. Both need people to feel fulfilled, and both are equally entrepreneurial even though one engages from instinct and embodies the active principle, and the other engages from the brain and embodies the receptive principle to achieve their goals.

Taurus-Scorpio (axis of value and power): both seek power, are very sensual (and sexual), private and deep, even if one is not aware at first impression. They are quite relentless and stubborn in their ways because of their Fixed modality. Taurus seeks respect, comfort and safety in his own ability to make money and from physical pleasure, while Scorpio uses emotional depth, sexuality, other people's resources and spiritual transformation to achieve the same. Both can be pretty obsessive, greedy, vindictive, hedonistic and visceral if unevolved.

Gemini-Sagittarius (axis of the mind and information): both are adaptable, love learning and teaching, and they are inspired by knowledge and movement. Gemini needs stimulation from their close surroundings and feels transcendence from drilling down information and from their ability to network, while Sagittarius likes to look at the big picture and uses his insights to pursue his own truth. Both see travel, information and interactions as highly valuable, but can be a bit fickle and non-committal because of their need to be constantly on the move.

Cancer-Capricorn (axis of family and patrimony): both are highly dependable, trustworthy and traditional. They value stability, family and lasting relationships, even if they have only a few. Cancer focuses on protection, emotional depth and nurturing to feel fulfilled (female archetype) and Capricorn feels safe through structure, provision and industriousness (male archetype). Both have excellent financial, organizational and managerial skills, and are quite proactive when they are invested in something. Both are sensitive but dislike appearing vulnerable... emotions can be their undoing.

Leo-Aquarius (axis of entertainment and society): both signs are inventive and find a sense of meaning through creativity and uniqueness. None of them like to follow, as they feel entitled to (and proud of) their authenticity and own mindset. Leo loves the expression of its spirit and desires admiration as a form as validation, while Aquarius seeks for righteousness and belonging through the appraisal of its mind. Both communicate what's inside in brilliant ways but can be quite headstrong and proud at times.

Virgo-Pisces (axis of service and wellness): both are humble, modest, gentle and adore being of service and utility. Since they sit in the axis of health, both are healers, although Virgo does it through his brainpower and dexterity, while Pisces from a spiritual, imaginative and intuitive place. Both are selfless and subservient, and because of this, they can suffer from abuse or mistreatment often than other signs, but one of their greatest assets is their ability to help and empower others through service.

That's all! Hope this is helpful 🥰

Written by @soberpluto

[f4rfields]

it is SO silly to claim near and mello are "L clones" if you actually read the second half of the manga instead of stopping because blorbo died. like you are missing out on two very interesting characters who are dynamic, despite symbolically representing parts of L.

mello's arc begins with them wanting to solve the kira case to avenge L, but more importantly to prove themself, and ends with them is about accepting that they cannot do this alone and that actually solving it is more important than the validation. L is driven by ego and a desire to have an intellectual challenge. their anger towards nearly everyone (particularly near) is intense and they are often very demanding, but they are most certainly capable of understanding, patience, and care, as seen with matt - one of the few friends mello actually has (and the anime cuts out the short snippets that do show this dynamic more). while both L and mello are ruthless and pretty unethical, mello is more physically violent and impulsive. if L was playing 5D chess, mello is throwing the board off the table.

near is much more L-like, but is far more direct in his suspicions. while L was purposefully drawing out the mental dance that he and light were doing for their own amusement, near is turning the music off. he's driven by duty and a sense of justice, not ego - he's willing to openly acknowledge the contributions of others. although he seems nonchalant, he is more honestly expressive in his emotions and thoughts, and he actually really cares about the people in his team - and mello, despite mello hating him kind of. he doesn't see kira as someone whose intellect makes them dangerous, he sees the death note as what makes kira a global threat. he's willing to play dirty like light, but he's much more benevolent in it.

i cannot really think of what the story would actually be like if L did not die, and i doubt it would be particularly satisfying. L's ego and constant need to be entertained while people are dying is part of his own downfall. he flies too close to the sun. it only makes sense that he came crashing down. if you actually get invested in near and mello and approach them as their own characters, it just makes L's demise seem inevitable.

also i intentionally say "read the manga" because half of the story gets condensed into the last 3rd of the anime and removes much of the characterization of mello and near, and how they come to understand and solve the kira case. like i get why anime-only folks don't care for them much - they didn't even get a chance to get attached to them.

also death note still holds up aside from the abysmal writing of the female characters (which i am still mad about and still think that naomi should have gotten to survive into the actual investigation). it was actually much more interesting to read as an adult than it was as a teenager, so if you haven't read it since you were like 15 or something, i recommend giving it a shot again. thank u for reading my essay.

[slingshot78]

Crosshairs Backstory/ Personality breakdown

I know it may seem like Crosshairs has little to no backstory, but that isn't true at all.

In the UK, a comic series called Titan Comics released tons of Transformer comics. They ranged from Tfp, Dark of the moon, etc, but most importantly they're were age of extinction ones released.

While I do not have access to the full comic (I've searched the whole Internet for a link, a product, something, but there's nothing), I do have summaries that have helped me understand majority of this comic issue along with a few vauge panels from the comic!

Creature of Chaos

Age of Extinction: Issue #5

Crosshairs was on a mission of some sort with Optimus Prime when they intercepted a signal. They had come across a creature called a Turbo Fox,when it attacked though, Crosshairs fled, leaving Optimus to fend for himself.

Optimus Prime manages to fend them off, and find Crosshairs. Crosshairs ends up telling Optimus that he was commanding a group of soldiers, when turbo foxes attacked but he was too far ahead to save them and he had to watch as the creture killed every single one of them. Crosshairs mentioned he could literally hear their screaming voices in his head...so he probably is suffering PTSD at this point from the event.

Many people believe Crosshairs to be this "self absorbed" type of character, and while...yes it may seem like that at times, it's completely valid.

Crosshairs obviously suffers from PTSD, his inability to trust his teamates flows completely with this condition, scared that of he makes attachments he might go through all of that again. His desire to be a leader/fly solo may also stem from this event, on one hand he wants to prove he can be a leader and have a second chance, but he often wants to go solo so there's no possible chance that he can ever screw up again.

Crosshairs is a blunt dude, he's always making sure everyone is aware that he DOESN'T want to do something. (Fight the dinobots, sabotage lockdowns ship, staying on earth, etc etc) It does happen to coordinate perfectly though, he never actually leaves his teammates despite saying he wants too, he tries his best to express his disdain for something and influence his team to leave alongside with him- when they don't, that means he has to stick along. Though Crosshairs truly must not want to do or be a part of something, the fact his team does not share his disdain with the mission or task at hand but he stays regardless... Means he isn't such a "self absorbed" character at all.

Crosshairs cares a lot about his team, it's obvious- he has practiced moves with Drift, he helped watch Izabella when Cade and Bee left for London, he rejoices when Optimus reunites with them and he stays queit and sits back when Optimus is upset.(EX: Optimus confornting Joshua Joyce about Ratchet and Leadfoot, while Crosshairs stayed silent and did not make a move untill Optimus commanded him to do so )

If Crosshairs truly did not care he would have gone solo already, found something to do with his life but he does care. While his approches to some situations are often cruel and self absorbed like (EX: wanting to leave Lockdowns ship immediately after not seeing Optimus and Tessa) it's for the best of the team, and it is true that he just does not want to lose them like he did his other one.

Extras:

[devsgames]

The Art of Feedback

(This post cross-posted from my Patreon. Please consider supporting for access to my unreleased game prototypes, devlogs and blog posts just like this one. It helps me pay rent and supports the work I do!)

The biggest, most important ability anyone working (or hoping to work) collaboratively in gamedev should have is giving targeted feedback.

I'm not saying "you should be able to honestly tell people that their work sucks", but rather you should be able to elegantly and politely express in what specific ways their work could use improvement and, most importantly, why you believe the feedback to be valid.

In my opinion this is a lifeline skill anyone working in games needs to have.

Not being able to give polite and targeted feedback is something that sets apart an amazing dev from a competent one, and generally will make your critiques feel less like an opinion and more like a fair and specific analysis of a feature. It's what separates A Random Gamer Online complaining about a video game apart from an actual dev identifying pain points on a piece of work.

So how do you do it?

Consent

By far, the biggest thing to remember about feedback in my opinion is that feedback is all about consent.

When giving feedback you need to be positive that all parties are aware and on the same page about the feedback and its role in the conversation, and that the party receiving the feedback even wants it in the first place.

There's been countless times I've had conversations in the industry where it was obvious someone was receiving feedback that was not wanted and didn't consent to it - whether it was way too premature, focusing on the wrong part of the feature, not wanted in the first place or coming from someone who may not have been desirable to hear feedback from.

How do you navigate this? Simply ask for consent first.

A simple "Are you interested in feedback on [x] feature?", or "Is there anything you want me to focus my feedback on?" should usually suffice. If yes, give feedback. If no, don't bother!

Not only does this establish a clear line of consent, it also ensures your feedback is useful and you're not giving feedback that will fall on ears that don't want to hear it.

Empathy

Receiving feedback for many people can be intimately personal. Everyone has things about their work that aren't satisfactory, and entering into territory where you're pointing out these flaws can be devastating if not done correctly. There's an assumption that "honest" feedback is the way to go, but "honesty" can be a double edged sword and there's a lot of devs who deal real damage to others under the guide of "just being honest about feedback". Good feedback should be presented in a way that the recipient can take it to heart without feeling hurt. These are not mutually exclusive ideas.

To avoid this situation, the "compliment sandwich" is a time-tested method. Soften the blow of critical feedback by pairing it with compliments before and after, which allows you to deliver the feedback without it feeling like a direct attack. It's rather soulless to say "you should always talk like this", so of course this is not the end-all-be-all, but it's a good starting point for understanding how to deliver feedback in a way that doesn't harm.

In fact, I've found the structure of compliments doesn't matter as long as you're keeping the mindset of being constructive and in a 'building up" mindset about your feedback, and not a tearing down one. Usually I aim to incorporate one point of critical feedback with one compliment is often enough to soften the blow in many cases.

As an example, saying "I think your placement of the car needs work" feels colder and tonally more harmful than "I love how your use of trees to direct the player through the space, but I think the placement of the car needs work". See how those could read differently?

Additionally, you can change up your method depending on the person you're speaking to and your relationship to them.

For example, first impressions based around feedback are important. If you're giving feedback to say, a peer or student you've never talked to before, leading with complements is key. If you've been in a feedback session for a while the conversation might naturally veer into being more or less critical at certain stages, and you may find striking a constant balance of compliments may not be necessary. If someone seems defensive or upset, it might be wise to pile on some more compliments to make them feel more at ease. If you're giving feedback to someone you've know for a long time and given feedback to before it's possible you may be comfortable enough together that you may not even need to compliment at all!

TARGET

I really want to emphasize this point because this is how you make giving feedback an efficient task. If you don't know what specifically the person receiving feedback wants to receive feedback on there's a good chance you'll end up giving feedback on absolutely everything about the game, and ignore the elements that need feedback the most by doing so.

I've been in this situation plenty of times: a feature in your game is only half-implemented compared to the rest of the game, and instead of focusing on giving feedback about [x] new feature your playtester instead spends 15 minutes talking about the feature that is lacking despite the fact you already know it's missing. The feedback isn't about the thing that you as a developer need feedback on the most, and instead covers territory you're already well aware of.

As someone giving feedback, consent comes back into this. Ask "Do you need feedback on [x]?", or "What do you need feedback on the most?". This puts the ball in their court to identify what you should look out for, as opposed to you playing through and simply pointing out flaws in everything regardless of context. It also means the feedback session is going to be more effective at targeting what they need help with the most, and will be most beneficial to them in the end. In context like meetings and student feedback sessions where time is limited, this is vital to ensuring you're not wasting anyone's time.

Another way to improve the targeting of your feedback is to ensure you understand your subject's goals, and tie your feedback into that. Without this your feedback can be wildly off-base.

For example, if your subject is making a project to learn new implementation techniques, it's not going to be useful to provide feedback about their game's polish that would be more applicable to someone, say, trying to ship a game. Asking what your feedback subject's goal is with their project - or even just ensuring you address that and have a surface-level understanding about what those goals may be - is going to put you in a position of understanding what kind of feedback to give.

With this knowledge in your pocket you can now give feedback through a narrower filter that will more effectively improve their work.

"Why?"

"Why?" is the single most important question you need to attempt to answer when giving feedback. Answering "why" is how important changes get made.

Anyone can say "I think [x] feature needs to change", but not anyone can identify why it needs to change, or in what capacity. There's nothing worse than receiving feedback where a director says "I didn't like this feature" and they fail to address why they think that way. Especially as a designer, "why" is a fundamental idea needed to back up any approach you might have to changing or implementing designs - and it's why designers are often in a better position to identify changes than the average player.

Before you give a piece of feedback, ask yourself "Why do I think this?", and be prepared to include that with your feedback.

"I don't like the way the movement feels because it makes it hard to keep the enemies in my sights" is vastly more useful than "I don't like the way the movement feels". It gives what you at least believe is an actionable, and the person receiving the feedback now has a problem they may need to consider going forward.

There's truly nothing more aggravating than hearing - "I don't like this thing" without a reason why. That why needs to exist because if it didn't people would simply be making changes for no reason except "the vibes are off", and a vibes-based approach isn't exactly a sustainable one from a development angle.

Conclusion

The best feedback is when it addresses specific targeted points that are relevant to the recipient's context in a way that isn't going to be harmful to them! It's not a matter of simply saying anything that comes to mind however you want, but addressing relevant pain points that will best help them improve their work. ✌️

[danganronpa96]

i will never forgive you for chapter 5 trial /j

also on the other hand in which is related to hypothetical third kg how do you think one specific character you think of in the cast would interact with everybody else

Don't worry I don't forgive myself either </3

The funny thing about that question is that I did make some notes a while ago on Kanade's general relationship with some of the cast. However these are kinda old notes that involve characters that have been scrapped, and additionally don't include characters that have been recently added. So I'll just have to revamp it a little.

Wallace -> older support/grandpa type, they click well as they help each other out, are slow and understanding with each other and share their eating habits with one another

Miles -> friends, they bond over music and wanting to help save people

Ame-Chan -> friends, Ame is very interested in Kanade's online persona as K and running her own online band, Ame likes to chat with her often

Alex -> Alex doesn't take Kanade's talent seriously, Kanade doesn't like Alex's attitude towards the group but she stays open minded and tries to understand his point of view

Eve -> at first Eve dismissed Kanade's talent but opened up to appreciate it, Kanade likes to learn how Eve uses music and art to express her feelings

Frye -> Frye finds Kanade small and cute and likes to talk to her about music, Kanade is a bit overwhelmed by her energy but enjoys her company

Shiver -> Kanade is appreciative of Shiver's unique singing voice which flatters Shiver, both are in sync with their calmer personas

Duck -> Duck, with most people, finds something odd he can say about them—for Kanade it's her abnormally long hair, Kanade finds Duck to be an interesting character

Charlie -> Charlie finds it a bit weird talking to a minor when alone, but can appreciate what Kanade does for the people she cares for

Pim -> initially Pim assumed Kanade was a shy girl, so tries to be nice to her so she can come out of her shell

Rodrick -> they would end up on semi-mutual terms as Rodrick is interested in her being a musician, but Kanade finds Rodrick's music a little odd

Filbo -> Kanade would appreciate Filbo's selfless and kindhearted nature in looking out for everyone, and they would also mutually agree on despising running

Just as a little extra, in terms of Ena, I think she'd have the closest relations to Ame and Rodrick. I'd see Ena and Ame getting along due to their similar desires for online validation and jirai kei fashion, and I just think it would be cute if Ena adopted a sibling-like rivalry with Rodrick, similar to herself and Akito.

[k-rising]

Hyunjae’s birth chart analysis

DISCLAIMER: This is just a part of the analysis of the idol’s natal chart, which wants to show a deeper perspective on the idols life. This analysis is carried out thanks to the data that appears in the birth chart. These are my interpretations of the signs and how they work based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and all interpretation and experiences within is valid. The point of this post is to entertain. [This idol hasn’t confirmed his birth time, so I used the standard 12pm time to calculate his natal chart].

hyunjae's a virgo sun and mercury, which means that he's a practical, perfectionist and responsible man. he's also very servicial and seeks for mutual relationships... however, this dude has high standards, he likes being respected and can be too demanding both on himself and on others. jaehyun's a detail-oriented dude who possesses a lot of nervous energy. he hates when things get out of hand and can be quite critical when things don't work the way he wants it. this man has sun trine moon and sun sextile mars, which makes him a very energetic, ambitious and confident person; he knows what he wants. and with his sun sextile neptune, he's also very intuitive and empathic.

jaehyun's a great lie detector with his mercury square pluto! this dude is very opinionated, he loves debates and it's always looking for the deeper meaning of things. however, this aspect along with his aries saturn can also indicate that he can have trust issues and he might feel that nobody understands him.

he has his moon in capricorn, which means that it's hard for him to express his feelings openly and often hides it behind sarcastic humour. sometimes he may feel insecure and he also has a great fear of being rejected. that's why he has the great need to feel useful and productive. it can be hard for hyunjae to relate to people who have different values and opinions... maybe that's why it can take a long time for him to find someone he can trust and love. not to mention his moon square venus! this aspect can indicate that he's afraid of intimacy and, if he ever gets intimate with someone, he's likely to get into bad company and people can use him in some way.

having moon conjunct neptune and moon sextile pluto makes him a very emotional person... however, with his moon conjunct uranus he can be quite unpredictable when expressing his emotions. I feel that he's like those type of people who are happy and loving one day and the next day he's cold af 💀

scorpio is his venus and mars sign, which makes hyunjae a very intense, passionate and loyal lover once he opens his heart. jaehyun's very observant when he's around the person he likes, and when he's on the process of getting to know one another, he's the type of person that wants to know every single detail about you, but he won't reveal much about himself lol. having mercury sextile venus makes him very charming as well! these placements makes hyunjae a very daring person! this man wants to have a relationship that transforms him in some way; he doesn't like superficial relationships. but having venus square uranus and venus square neptune contradicts some of the things he wants to have. the first aspect indicates that he's likely to start dating someone and then regrets it, and the second aspect can indicate that once the falls completely in love with someone, he can be too depending on his partner. this dude get easily jealous, so he feels comfortable when he has the control of the relationship.

it's hard to make jaehyun angry, but when he does he can be very scary... he's also very good at emotionally manipulating others. I feel that this man likes playing the role of the victim in order to get what he wants. this dude is impatient, arrogant, reckless, selfish and quite cocky with this mars square jupiter! like I said before, he likes getting what he wants... but with this aspect, hyunjae can struggle obtaining all of his desires.

jaehyun knows how to work well in groups with his aquarius jupiter and he's also not afraid of trying new things in his work. if he wants to have good look in his job, hyunjae has to be more impartial, cooperative and inventive.

his misson in this life is to work in his self-esteem and be more assertive. he also need to be more focused on details, be more cautious and have a routine. jaehyun needs to take care of his health and focus more on his work.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Tired Transsexual

Published: Sept 1, 2023

Tired Transsexual*

When I first encountered the “trans community”, I carried the belief that it was built on acceptance, understanding and compassion. That it was a safe haven for individuals like me—transsexuals, propelled by dysphoria, navigating the deeply complex, intensely personal journey of sex reassignment. Sadly, over time, I’ve witnessed this community increasingly transform into a platform for what can only be described as sociopathic narcissism, exploiting the struggles of transsexuals for its agenda, and displaying an alarming antipathy towards those who refuse to comply with its convoluted narratives.

I want to first clarify what I mean by sociopathic narcissism. Sociopathy and narcissism are both personality disorders characterised by a lack of empathy, a sense of superiority and a disregard for the feelings and rights of others. When I apply these terms to the trans movement, it’s because I see a system that prioritises individual self-expression and validation over collective welfare and truth.

It’s a system that promotes self-identification over biological and psychological realities, invalidating the experiences of transsexuals who suffer from sex dysphoria. It’s a system that conflates the struggles of a minority with the desire for limitless self-definition of the majority, undermining the fight for legal protections and medical assistance that transsexuals desperately need. It’s a system that forces transsexuals into the same category as crossdressers, drag performers and fetishists, further stigmatising and marginalising us. A system that cares more about the societal validation of “non-binary identities” than the welfare of the transsexuals it claims to represent.

We, who should be at the forefront of the trans movement, are instead pushed aside, silenced, or even vilified if we dare to challenge the ideology. We are othered as “true transsexual scum”, “transmedicalists” and other derogatory terms simply for stating that our experiences are rooted in an unchosen, deeply distressing medical condition, not a fluid sense of gender or a rebellious stance against societal norms.

“My username reflects the exhaustion of navigating a world that often misunderstands or misrepresents transsexuals, not a personal failing. The tireless effort to seek clarity amidst ignorance isn’t a me-problem, it’s an us-problem. So, if I’m tiring myself out, it’s only because I’m doing the heavy lifting in conversations that most would rather sidestep. And if that’s exhausting for you to witness, imagine living it.”—tweet, Tired Transsexual, 30 August 2023

We are berated and vilified for seeking and advocating for medical treatment, which for many of us is a matter of survival. We are dismissed when we point out the very real differences between us and non-dysphoric individuals who claim the trans label. We are accused of being exclusionary, of being gatekeepers, when we simply ask for our unique struggles to be acknowledged and respected. We are denied the right to speak to our distinct experiences and needs by those who claim to care about us the most, and this leaves us with a profound sense of despair and hopelessness. An equally grave consequence of this “trans umbrella” and gender ideology manifests in paediatrics. Misconceptions and ill-informed policies can lead to irreversible decisions made for young, gender non-conforming children who may not have any true discomfort in their sex, yet have been encouraged to consider sex-reassignment therapy under the guise of “affirming their gender”. The severity of this issue and its implications for everyone included in the ever-expanding trans umbrella cannot be overstated. For readers unfamiliar with this level of nuance, consider the potential repercussions. When mainstream society finally grasps the potential harm being done, the backlash may reverberate beyond paediatric gender clinics and queer theory activist groups, negatively affecting public support for the LGBs & Ts—the lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transsexuals—who never asked for any of this.

“Many transsexuals worry that minors may be unable to give informed consent in an era where gender non-conformity and transsexuality have been intentionally conflated with transgender.”

The concern among transsexuals about paediatric transition is multilayered. Those of us who have gone through hormonal and surgical sex reassignment interventions ourselves understand how difficult and irreversible the process is. Many worry that minors may be unable to give informed consent in an era where gender non-conformity and transsexuality have been intentionally conflated with “transgender”, and where medical transition has been glamorised as a mechanism to achieve “gender euphoria” or “trans joy”, rather than a means of reducing distress and trying to reach a baseline of normalcy.

Additionally, many transsexuals argue that natal males and females should be treated differently in diagnostic safeguarding due to observable differences in aetiologies—teenage females dominate the red-flag category of “rapid-onset gender dysphoria”— and the greater difficulties of “undoing” the effects of male pubertal maturation when embarking upon medical transition.

While there are those who advocate for an outright ban on paediatric care, this viewpoint is far from universal among transsexuals. Many of us fear that such a ban would give momentum to those who want to ban sex-reassignment interventions altogether, creating a harmful domino effect and an existential threat to our lives.

In essence, the prevailing view among transsexuals is not against paediatric care itself, but against a medical paradigm where the clinical understanding of “gender dysphoria” has become completely detached from the sex-based strife that we experience. In our view, the watering down and genderfication of diagnostic codes (the DSM and the ICD) is a grievous mistake. Those classifications used to recognise transsexualism as a condition involving discomfort over sex characteristics. Now transsexualism is a diagnosis no more, and the reality of discomfort has been obscured by identity politics.

We argue as transsexuals that the psychosocial diagnostic model should be aligned with the emerging neurobiological understanding of dysphoria, with a primary focus on own-body sex perception, not perceived conformity to gender roles.  

My own experience resonates much more closely with not just the older diagnostic category of transsexualism, but also with Stephen Gliske’s controversial 2019 theory, which proposed that dysphoria is a sensory perception condition caused not by cerebral sex dimorphism, but by the profound ways our brains map our sense of self, characterised by sex-atypical primal behaviour, own-body sex perception and distress, fear and anxiety. Unfortunately, Dr. Gliske’s paper was retracted by eNeuro in 2020, after a sustained activist campaign was launched against the journal. Today, transsexuals are such a marginalised sexual minority that our very existence doesn’t warrant a mention in the American Psychological Association’s latest guidelines on sexual minorities, despite transgender being defined as an apparently limitless umbrella term. In defining transgender this way, they acknowledge it is not synonymous with the word transsexual, yet they simultaneously choose to dismiss this meaningful distinction by omitting a term that once gave clarity, recognition and respect to our distinct medical condition and biological reality. How can the medical community provide us the care we need when we’re vanishing from the very documents guiding that care? How can transsexuals have honest, meaningful discussions about our healthcare, our rights, our lives when our very identity is stripped from us without any consultation?

“The inclusive transgender umbrella has, paradoxically, left transsexuals out in the rain.”

The trans movement, in its quest for inclusivity, has become a breeding ground for self-centred entitlement. It has completely lost sight of its initial purpose—to advocate for the rights and well-being of transsexuals—and has instead morphed into a free-for-all where any and all boundaries are viewed as oppressive, and where the feelings and experiences of actual transsexuals are disregarded by gender ideology (i.e., the notion that “gender identity” is a universal trait, rather than exclusive to people with transsexualism). The inclusive transgender umbrella has, paradoxically, left transsexuals out in the rain.

There is an urgent need to reclaim our narrative, to bring the focus back to the realities of being transsexual. As a society, we must resist the sociopathic narcissism that has overtaken the trans movement and re-establish a distinct space for true understanding, empathy and advocacy for transsexual rights and recognition. This struggle is not for an abstract, ever-broadening notion of identity. It is a fight for our right to exist, to receive the medical care we need, and to live our lives without being swallowed up in an all-encompassing trans umbrella that erases our identity and deprives us of the very language we need to articulate our experience. It is a fight for acceptance, not as an identity, but as human beings with unique experiences, challenges and needs rooted in material reality. We are transsexuals and we deserve to be seen, heard and respected as such.

Every application of the term transgender to us is an attempt to mask what we have done and as such co-opts our lives, denies our experiences and violates our very souls. We have had enough.

* Tired Transsexual is the pen name of an Anglo-American male-to-female transsexual who lives in the U.K. Her Twitter account is @tiredtransmed

==

"... gender non-conformity and transsexuality have been intentionally conflated with transgender.”

This is both deliberate and overt. Clinical dysphoria has been excised entirely from the terminology.

https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms

Transgender | An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth.

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/list-lgbtq-terms

Trans An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.

Literally, "gender non-conforming." It doesn't even allude to the very new phenomenon of late-onset anxiety around puberty. You're "trans" if you don't conform to outdated stereotypes.

Which becomes dangerous when gay people and those with autism, who are on average more likely to be gender non-conforming, are tricked by activists into thinking they were "born in the wrong body" in service to a Marxian cultural revolution.

It also means unremarkable and completely normal people can declare themselves "non-binary" or "cakegender," pretend to be "marginalized," and demand rights that they already have or aren't entitled to, and call you a bigot for not going along with it. And as the umbrella grows without limit, it further edges out transsexuals through this anti-trust takeover.

You're not a bigot for rejecting genderwang. Indeed, transsexuals are counting on us to do so, to help them take back both their healthcare and their dignity.

[askanonbinary]

Hi, so I think I might be non binary, but im really confused. When I was younger, I sort of had this image for myself, I wanted to be a woman, with a man, and have kids, but now that I think about it, it never really felt right, I think I just wanted to fit in with society, I didn't really like anyone and barely even knew what gender was back then, and didn't know being queer was a thing. I mean i still dont properly tbh. Also what the heck even is gender, because, I mean, I don't feel right being a girl or a guy, and I know i feel more comfortable being a girl (I am afab) but at the same time being a girl doesn't feel right either. Like almost I prefer presenting as more stereotypically masculine but I prefer more feminine terms, like pretty etc, but my gender feels neutral. Is that valid? I mean i still prefer to be more girlish, so am i just faking it? Or maybe i dont prefer to be considered as a girl but ive just always been seen as one and i live in a cis and heteronormative society, and im only trying to be female so i fit in? I mean, i don't even know why I feel more gender neutral, considering I don't really even understand what classifies you as a certain gender. Also i don't like guys I don't think, I think I just used to think I liked them because I identify with them more, but then my first 'girl crush' turns out to be genderfluid/non binary, but I still like them, so how does that actually work. Like I don't really get how some genders don't feel attractive to me but others do? How do I not like men but like basically anyone else? And how do I even go about being queer, or figuring stuff out, or just maybe even acting more comfortably with my gender, im so confused? Im sorry if that sounds weird, I'm only recently discovering I'm queer, and don't really know how to go about it, plus my family aren't very understanding and I dont have many queer people around me that I can ask for advice, all the other queer people I know are only starting to figure it out too, I have no idea what or who I am yet, is that valid?

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

- Mod Xela

[vilevexedvixen]

Compulsory sexuality and allo ace solidarity!

I am not sure if I am allo or ace. I relate to most of the supposedly ace-specific experiences and appeals of kink mentioned past the 17 minute mark. However, I find it extremely dismissive to summarise all even slightly non-hypersexual experiences as being exclusively ace, since allosexuals vary in libido, desire to (not) seek out sex, receptibility to sexual advances, interest in sex generally, etc. between each other and across their own lifetimes.

To be treated with hostility and aversion by people when you express disinterest in sex or any more nuanced feelings around it is not an exclusively ace experience. The same people who will be indignant towards someone rejecting their advances regardless of the reason for said rejection or what group the rejecting party is part of. An expectation to participate in (especially vanilla and monogamous) sex, or treat sex as an inevitability in a relationship people are expected to uphold affects everyone. Questions of when you'll "give your grandparents grandchildren" or demanding to know what you've been doing while simply hanging with friends is no less intrusive and uncomfortable just because it's said to someone who may enthusiastically consent to sex more often than not. Relegating criticism of compulsory sexuality to ace discourse misses the point that these are worth challenging in their own right, and help normalise ace experiences due to how they overlap with shared experiences between other groups (and I feel it needs mentioning that experiences that ARE ace-exclusive are valid and should be accepted, not just the experiences allos can also identify with).

Also, I feel like ace people make up more than just 1% of the population Meghan. The language and discourse around asexuality is very recent, so there are undoubtedly millions of asexuals who don't have the language to articulate their identity and experiences yet. As knowledge of asexuality and questioning of compulsory sexuality is more accepted, you can bet many many more people will feel they fit the ace or grey-ace label. Kind of like how autism is a lot more common than originally believed, due to understanding and knowledge of autism being different and limited before. Given the undue backlash against the asexual label, often on the basis of every classifying experience being "something everyone experiences", less invalidates asexuality and instead affirms that most people lay somewhere on the greysexual spectrum even if they remain personally unlabeled. True allosexuality (absolute, unchanging ability to feel sexual attraction, and wanting and enjoyment of sex absolutely) is much rarer, I'd argue.

People are sensitive to what affects them and insensitive to what does not, which is why so many aphobes believe ace and aro people aren't valid or don't suffer despite perpetuating the very thing they claim doesn't exist. By that same token, allo people are very aware of the ways sexual attraction is only selectively accepted amd under arbitrary conditions, making any comment expressing a lack of sexual attraction or dislike of sex appear most like an attack rather than just how someone personally experiences life.

I also generally feel most acespec discourse is US-centric. Aphobia is a thing in the UK but TERF island isn't able to multitask very well.

[hanako-san]

whilst no one is forcing you to dislike yashiro your stance on and mindset towards her frustrates me as someone who’s favourite character is also hanako

whilst this is purely assumption it seems to me that you developed a preconceived bias on yashiro initially and now you prioritise less substantial aspects of her characters typically comedic gags as who she is rather than looking at her from a wider perspective especially from the points which may refute your viewpoint ( e.g her relationship w hanako)

i think yashrios development is extremely evident with her relationship with hanako and a large part of her character is infact learning to form a genuine romantic connection w someone in a place which may unexpected and her journey to defying shallowness and making an effort to truly understand someone she claims to love which she has done with hanako which i think holds more merit towards her development rather than comedic gags which reference her idealistic and lovesick nature

yashiro’s own naivety and weakness towards ‘ hot guys’ stems from her own insecurities, you could interpret her weakness as being less about hot guys and being more about her desire to be validated and loved which she pins onto hot guys ( look up the halo effect ) in hopes that she will find this within them leaving her more susceptible to being easily manipulated or taken an advantage of due to the state of mind she has found herself combined with her pre-existing temperament

these aspects of yashiro which i’ve already stated clearly have strengthened and developed due to her experiences of love in the past contributing to her insecurity. This does not undermine her relationship with Hanako but rather it elevates the positive aspects of it and is a clear testament to yashiro’s development across tbhk, yashiro has made it abundantly clear that she loves hanako even if at some points it’s clear she’s in denial or she comes aacross as shallow. Whilst yashiro is obviously still portrayed comedically as having a weakness for hot guys her love for hanako is not obsolete because of that, if yashiro felt that Hanako was not “ good enough for her “ I do not think a lot of the events in the manga would have occurred infact Hanako’s own poor communication and selfishly selfless actions and Yashiros response to them are indicative of her deep love for him.

anyways this is lighthearted and coming from someone who loves hanako v much it’s just my primary point is that tbhk’s comedic gags w yashiro r most often comedic gags and not indicative that yashiro feels any lesser abt Hanako as the manga highlights again and again just how much yashiro cares abt him

Anon, it frustrates me that you come to me and complain about what I write on my blog and it's really none of your business. I'll tell you something you should know: Not everyone will like/love daikon and he has the right to express positive and negative, no matter how many times I have to repeat it? You don't want to change my mind, but you are writing me an essay here, which to me is nothing more than your waste of time.

And I will say only one thing. I hate everything about her, not just the way she treats Hanako. Hanako IS NOT the reason I hate her. The reason is YASHIRO NENE! To me, she's a piece of shit, annoying and pathetic, and does nothing other than be a whiny brat feeling sorry for himself.

My love and respect is over and you realize that Yashiro Nene is not a character that everyone will love and has anti-fans?

"halo effect" what does this prove? Is this supposed to be her defense? I know what it means and I stand by my opinion. Her weakness for boys is not the only accusation against her, there is more, but in short. I hate everything about her.

So stop getting frustrated here because I honestly don't care. This is my blog and my business. I respect your point of view, fine. We won't agree here, but respect my will, my opinion and my choice. It's okay if you don't agree with it or it upsets you,black me? I don't care. I'm being unfair to you, to her or whatever, but it's really my blog and I have the right to write whatever I want on it.

There are different people in fandoms. Everyone likes and hates a character and has the right to express their opinion. I don't deny that I can be gentler with her later or love her again. I do not know. It all depends on AR how it will continue with her, but I'm tired of waiting over 100 chapters and I feel like I saw the same girl in chapter 1

Block me if I'm bothering you. And please understand that Hanako, daikon, teru, akane, aoi and other characters will have anti-fans or people who simply don't like them, because that's what it is and everyone has the right to express their opinions and point of view and hate/criticism.

[rachellaurengray]

Mimetic Desire: A Personal Exploration by R Lauren

Let me share a personal story that delves into the intriguing world of mimetic desire. Growing up, I always felt a strong urge to fit in and be accepted by my peers. Like many others, I found myself emulating the behaviors, preferences, and even fashion choices of those around me, often without giving it much thought.

One vivid memory stands out from my high school years. It was the era of boy bands, and everyone seemed to be obsessed with a particular group. Their music, style, and even hairstyles became the epitome of coolness among my friends. Despite my initial skepticism, I found myself gradually succumbing to the allure of their popularity.

As I observed my classmates eagerly discussing the latest songs and concerts, I couldn't help but feel left out. Mimetic desire kicked in, and before I knew it, I was downloading their songs, attempting to mimic their dance moves, and even sporting a hairstyle reminiscent of the band members.

Reflecting on this experience now, I realize how deeply ingrained mimetic desire is in our social fabric. It's not just about wanting to fit in; it's about seeking connection, validation, and a sense of belonging. In my quest to emulate the tastes and preferences of my peers, I unwittingly surrendered a part of my individuality.

Over time, however, I've come to appreciate the complexities of mimetic desire and its role in shaping our identities. While imitation can foster social cohesion and shared experiences, it's essential to strike a balance between conformity and self-expression.

Today, I strive to be more mindful of my motivations and choices, recognizing that authenticity is not about conforming to external standards but staying true to myself. My journey with mimetic desire has taught me the importance of embracing my uniqueness while also appreciating the diversity of perspectives and influences that shape our social landscape.

In sharing my story, I hope to spark a conversation about the power of imitation in our lives and encourage others to reflect on their own experiences with mimetic desire. After all, understanding why we copy others is not just about unraveling the mysteries of human behavior; it's about reclaiming agency over our identities and forging genuine connections based on mutual respect and acceptance.

[drdemonprince]

hey i know what im about to ask for advice for isnt ur experience but i thought its possible someone else in ur audience has had a similar one its just starting to get unbearable. im in my early 20s and an autistic lesbian. im almost done with college, have had good friends here, have had good friends online as well, but to my knowledge no one throughout my entire life has had even a crush on me. ive never kissed anyone, no one’s asked me out, even as a kid at recess or whatever. like sometimes i even wish a boy had paid attention to me in that way because maybe then it prove theres not something wrong with me. its just so isolating because literally everyone else in my life has at least been kissed or had a crush situation by the time they were my age. ive tried to talk on dating apps but i just have zero confidence about it because no one who has actually seen me or talked to me for more than a couple times has expressed interest. maybe im oblivious to it being autistic but like i would know if someone said something explicit you know? i feel like it wont ever happen. idk. i think it would help to know if people thought the same things about themselves and then something did happen for them. because it just feels like im the only person alive with this experience who actually wants these things to happen (like i know ace/aro people are out there, its just not me)

Thank you for your question. I'll share some of my thoughts, with the huge caveats that I have not lived this experience, and hopefully readers with more relevant perspectives could also weigh in.

I notice here that you describe yourself and your relationship to attraction in terms of things happening to you, or you receiving certain kinds of attention. You frame yourself throughout this as the possible passive recipient of attraction. But what about what you want? How often have you expressed desire to somebody? How frequently and in what ways have you initiated contact, told someone you were interested in them, or invited someone on a date?

You mention using dating sites and talking with people, but those conversations never turning into anything more. That seems to be a very common problem in the lesbian dating world. I think a lot of women do not feel confident and comfortable in expressing their desires outright and it seems to lead to a lot of grinding of gears and people assuming that nobody is interested in them when really all parties involved feel too shy and disempowered to use their words and directly ask for a date.

I understand that to be a very common thing for queer women, though admittedly it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around as someone who was telling people on OK Cupid that i wanted to meet up and fuck them that evening back when I was like 21 years old, and who moves through the realms of steamworks and grindr and the cell block bar dancefloor now. I've had many interpersonal problems but telling somebody directly that I wanted to bang or even to hang out has not historically been one of them, and I really wish I could just lend some of that hutzpah over to my lensbian siblings because I hear people grousing about how dry apps like Lex are all the time.

It seems pretty glib and unhelpful for me to say "just act more like a bluntly direct gay autistic man" and to say that would be to ignore that a lack of confidence and queer women skewing a bit passive are probably not the only factors you're dealing with. There might be biases working against you like fatphobia, racism, or ableism that incline fewer people to openly express desire for you, and that's a real problem that operates outside of you and that no amount of self love can eradicate, and I think it's validating and important to just acknowledge when the deck is stacked against people.

But there are lots of people out there who will want to date and fuck you, for sure, even if you are dealing with any of those injustices, and additionally, I doubt from your message that you're doing anything particularly weird or off putting in your messages with people on dating apps that's like driving anybody away. You mention that you have a lot of good friends and that things are otherwise going pretty decently for you in life, so it really doesn't seem to me like anything you are doing or bringing to the table is "wrong". And over the years I have known a great many lesbians and wlw who were very social, outgoing, fun to be around, cute, and a total romantic prize who just did not fuck or date until their late 20s or 30s or beyond, because of some of the social forces I already described (and again I encourage my lesbian followers to contribute to the conversation because I know it's not my lane and I might not be explaining the phenomenon correctly).

If you haven't, I would suggest showing your dating app profile and messages to some trusted friends (maybe some gay men as well as other queer women?) to get a variety of perspectives and some reassurance.

But I think, based on the admittedly limited information that I have here, that you just need to approach people more and more directly, and that slowly through that you will become more comfortable with initiation and rejection, as well as with seeing yourself as a sexual being with agency, rather than a passive receiver of others' interest.

Try telling people directly that they are cute, that you like them, that you want to be around them, that you'd like to kiss them, that you'd love to go see a movie with them or tie them up or finger blast them or that being near them makes you happy or horny or etc as the situation warrants. If you havent already that is!

[prince-tulip]

I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone.

I cant let go of people, i have a severe abandonment issue that has gone too far. My reality became so blurry, with so many people wanting things from me..cognitive distortions and people pleasing stemming from overwhelming guilt and shame and fear..living off defense mechanisms first..

Its like if ive done wrong to you, i feel I have to be punished and be exactly whoever to whomever person im involved with. Which that plays into daily life, i feel I always have to be how they want me to be, im HEAVILY influenced by the world and often times in bad ways, its a big reason i dont just live my life.. Not to say either that i dont have genuine emotions and love for literally anyone ive loved or even if they hurt me and are toxic, i won't leave. When something i cant handle happens, i look for an escape route maybe? But i know i don't actually want to leave or cut someone off..My feelings become caught in a bundle of wires, words become misdirected, impulsive and if i have a trauma bond with you, subconscious feelings and past events come screaming at my face, confusing my reality more, saying and doing things i shouldn't. All things ive tried so hard to heal from..i have so much love to give and I think overall just genuine connection is what im looking for..even if thats just as friends with whoever my sentiment gets the best of me too, i feel as if everything must mean something but thats just not true and its going to keep killing me if i think like that...that's the big question..

What does connection mean to me? What form do i want it in and how can i better understand how to communicate with my loved ones or future companions? Growing up it was always soulmate, marriage, kids, happy life but i dont think(as of right now, i do hope one day) that the typical life isn't for me..societys need to be perfect, to be perceived as happy and successful, forcing a life out of want oppose to need..i dont understand..

Maybe though..just maybe nothing can grow if you dont allow it to and thats a fault on me.."here comes the contradiction" lmao...*insert*

Could i just be honest and communicate how i properly feel? Yes..but with how my mental illness is, i dont know how i feel. Every thought, perspective, moral is just contradictory. Every second. Its a constant battle of not self destructing, hurting people, picking fights, loss of interest, feeling numb, thinking every is meant for a reason when its not that fucking serious. Its not just negative moods either. Happiness comes in big waves that feel uncomfortable, pleasure feels wrong, like i dont deserve it, in any form.

Im riddled with guilt and regrets..

I feel torn through out time, belonging to people from different points in my life, struggling to feel whole and until i do, especially when it comes to love, romance and building together.

I cant have those, it burns me out. I focus too much on them, then burn out which causes problems and personal anger, sadness, resentment in everyone involved..

I never understood i had a need for validation but oh god, how i understand now..I never understood cognitive distortion but oh god, how i understand now..i never understood how to truly express myself and my desires..but how i understand now..too late... Ironically.

My honest intentions questioned due to my lack of mental understanding, a lack of time perception, a lack of being able to sift through my emotions of how i truly feel, a lack of being able to realize i dont need to people please, a lack of realizing i dont have boundaries for myself or others, a lack of not being able to not self destruct, if i hurt or disappointed someone i feel i need to fix things and be someone that i actually dont really wanna be but i end up filling that role because i need to fix something or i just have a personality switch and im saying and doing things i really don't mean, its so polarizing and its no ones fault, its so much my fault....

I now realize i do not need to feel like i need to be punished..or that i dont deserve good things...The lack of not letting things be natural, not letting things just happen, always fear driven and being controlled by my defense mechanisms. This overwhelming guilt, shame and disgust i harbor in my heart of all the wrongs ive ever made, it all haunts me and im so familiar with it, its almost if thats all i will feel my life, as if thats what i subconsciously wanted...not needed..i didn't need this..but here i am..