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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 months ago

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“The Fagin figure leading Elon Musk’s merry band of pubescent sovereignty pickpockets”

This week only, Barnes and Noble is offering 25% off pre-orders of my forthcoming novel Picks and Shovels. ENDS TODAY!.

While we truly live in an age of ascendant monsters who have hijacked our country, our economy, and our imaginations, there is one consolation: the small cohort of brilliant, driven writers who have these monsters' number, and will share it with us. Writers like Maureen Tkacik:

https://prospect.org/topics/maureen-tkacik/

Journalists like Wired's Vittoria Elliott, Leah Feiger, and Tim Marchman are absolutely crushing it when it comes to Musk's DOGE coup:

https://www.wired.com/author/vittoria-elliott/

And Nathan Tankus is doing incredible work all on his own, just blasting out scoop after scoop:

https://www.crisesnotes.com/

But for me, it was Tkacik – as usual – in the pages of The American Prospect who pulled it all together in a way that finally made it make sense, transforming the blitzkreig Muskian chaos into a recognizable playbook. While most of the coverage of Musk's wrecking crew has focused on the broccoli-haired Gen Z brownshirts who are wilding through the server rooms at giant, critical government agencies, Tkacik homes in on their boss, Tom Krause, whom she memorably dubs "the Fagin figure leading Elon Musk’s merry band of pubescent sovereignty pickpockets" (I told you she was a great writer!):

https://prospect.org/power/2025-02-06-private-equity-hatchet-man-leading-lost-boys-of-doge/

Krause is a private equity looter. He's the guy who basically invented the playbook for PE takeovers of large tech companies, from Broadcom to Citrix to VMWare, converting their businesses from selling things to renting them out, loading them up with junk fees, slashing quality, jacking up prices over and over, and firing everyone who was good at their jobs. He is a master enshittifier, an enshittification ninja.

Krause has an unerring instinct for making people miserable while making money. He oversaw the merger of Citrix and VMWare, creating a ghastly company called The Cloud Software Group, which sold remote working tools. Despite this, of his first official acts was to order all of his employees to stop working remotely. But then, after forcing his workers to drag their butts into work, move back across the country, etc, he reversed himself because he figured out he could sell off all of the company's office space for a tidy profit.

Krause canceled employee benefits, like thank you days for managers who pulled a lot of unpaid overtime, or bonuses for workers who upgraded their credentials. He also ended the company's practice of handing out swag as small gifts to workers, and then stiffed the company that made the swag, wontpaying a $437,574.97 invoice for all the tchotchkes the company had ordered. That's not the only supplier Krause stiffed: FinLync, a fintech company with a three-year contract with Krause's company, also had to sue to get paid.

Krause's isn't a canny operator who roots out waste: he's a guy who tears out all the wiring and then grudgingly restores the minimum needed to keep the machine running (no wonder Musk loves him, this is the Twitter playbook). As Tkacik reports, Krause fucked up the customer service and reliability systems that served Citrix's extremely large, corporate customers – the giant businesses that cut huge monthly checks to Citrix, whose CIOs received daily sales calls from his competitors.

Workers who serviced these customers, like disabled Air Force veteran David Morgan, who worked with big public agencies, were fired on one hour's notice, just before their stock options vested. The giant public agency customers he'd serviced later called him to complain that the only people they could get on the phone were subcontractors in Indian call centers who lacked the knowledge and authority to resolve their problems.

Last month, Citrix fired all of its customer support engineers. Citrix's military customers are being illegally routed to offshore customer support teams who are prohibited from working with the US military.

Citrix/VMWare isn't an exception. The carnage at these companies is indistinguishable from the wreck Krause made of Broadcom. In all these cases, Krause was parachuted in by private equity bosses, and he destroyed something useful to extract a giant, one-time profit, leaving behind a husk that no longer provides value to its customers or its employees.

This is the DOGE playbook. It's all about plunder: take something that was patiently, carefully built up over generations and burn it to the ground, warming yourself in the pyre, leaving nothing behind but ash. This is what private equity plunderers have been doing to the world's "advanced" economies since the Reagan years. They did it to airlines, family restaurants, funeral homes, dog groomers, toy stores, pharma, palliative care, dialysis, hospital beds, groceries, cars, and the internet.

Trump's a plunderer. He was elected by the plunderer class – like the crypto bros who want to run wild, transforming workers' carefully shepherded retirement savings into useless shitcoins, while the crypto bros run off with their perfectly cromulent "fiat" money. Musk is the apotheosis of this mindset, a guy who claims credit for other peoples' productive and useful businesses, replacing real engineering with financial engineering. Musk and Krause, they're like two peas in a pod.

That's why – according to anonymous DOGE employees cited by Tckacik – DOGE managers are hired for their capacity for cruelty: "The criteria for DOGE is how many you have fired, how much you enjoy firing people, and how little you care about the impact on peoples well being…No wonder Tom Krause was tapped for this. He’s their dream employee!"

The fact that Krause isn't well known outside of plunderer circles is absolutely a feature for him, not a bug. Scammers like Krause want to be admitted to polite society. This is why the Sacklers – the opioid crime family that kicked off the Oxy pandemic that's murdered more than 800,000 Americans so far – were so aggressive about keeping their association with their family business, Purdue Pharma, a secret. The Sacklers only wanted to be associated with the art galleries and museums they put their names over, and their lawyers threatened journalists for writing about their lives as billionaire drug pushers (I got one of those threats).

There's plenty of good reasons to be anonymous – if you're a whistleblower, say. But if you ever encounter a corporate executive who insists on anonymity, that's a wild danger sign. Take Pixsy, the scam "copyleft trolls" whose business depends on baiting people into making small errors when using images licensed under very early versions of the Creative Common licenses, and then threatening to sue them unless they pay hundreds or thousands of dollars:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/01/24/a-bug-in-early-creative-commons-licenses-has-enabled-a-new-breed-of-superpredator/

Kain Jones, the CEO of Pixsy, tried to threaten me under the EU's GDPR for revealing the names of the scammer on his payroll who sent me a legal threat, and the executive who ran the scam for his business (I say he tried to threaten me because I helped lobby for the GDPR and I know for a fact that this isn't a GDPR violation):

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/13/an-open-letter-to-pixsy-ceo-kain-jones-who-keeps-sending-me-legal-threats/

These people understand that they are in the business of ripping people off, causing them grave and wholly unjust financial injury. They value their secrecy because they are in the business of making strangers righteously furious, and they understand that one of these strangers might just show up in their lives someday to confront them about their transgressions.

This is why Unitedhealthcare freaked out so hard about Luigi Mangione's assassination of CEO Brian Thompson – that's not how the game is supposed to be played. The people who sit in on executive row, destroying your lives, are supposed to be wholly insulated from the consequences of their actions. You're not supposed to know who they are, you're not supposed to be able to find them – of course.

But even more importantly, you're not supposed to be angry at them. They pose as mere software agents in an immortal colony organism called a Limited Liability Corporation, bound by the iron law of shareholder supremacy to destroy your life while getting very, very rich. It's not supposed to be personal. That's why Unitedhealthcare is threatening to sue a doctor who was yanked out of surgery on a cancer patient to be berated by a UHC rep for ordering a hospital stay for her patient:

https://gizmodo.com/unitedhealthcare-is-mad-about-in-luigi-we-trust-comments-under-a-doctors-viral-post-2000560543

UHC is angry that this surgeon, Austin's Dr Elisabeth Potter, went Tiktok-viral with her true story of how how chaotic and depraved and uncaring UHC is. UHC execs fear that Mangione made it personal, that he obliterated the accountability sink of the corporation and put the blame squarely where it belongs – on the (mostly) men at the top who make this call.

This is a point Adam Conover made in his latest Factually podcast, where he interviewed Propublica's T Christian Miller and Patrick Rucker:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_5tDXRw8kg

Miller and Rucker published a blockbuster investigative report into Cigna's Evocore, a secret company that offers claims-denials as a service to America's biggest health insurers:

https://www.propublica.org/article/evicore-health-insurance-denials-cigna-unitedhealthcare-aetna-prior-authorizations

If you're the CEO of a health insurance company and you don't like how much you're paying out for MRIs or cancer treatment, you tell Evocore (which processes all your claim authorizations) and they turn a virtual dial that starts to reduce the number of MRIs your customers are allowed to have. This dial increases the likelihood that a claim or pre-authorization will be denied, which, in turn, makes doctors less willing to order them (even if they're medically necessary) and makes patients more likely to pay for them out of pocket.

Towards the end of the conversation, Miller and Rucker talk about how the rank-and-file people at an insurer don't get involved with the industry to murder people in order to enrich their shareholders. They genuinely want to help people. But executive row is different: those very wealthy people do believe their job is to kill people to save money, and get richer. Those people are personally to blame for the systemic problem. They are the ones who design and operate the system.

That's why naming the people who are personally responsible for these immoral, vicious acts is so important. That's why it's important that Wired and Propublica are unmasking the "pubescent sovereignty pickpockets" who are raiding the federal government under Krause's leadership:

https://projects.propublica.org/elon-musk-doge-tracker/

These people are committing grave crimes against the nation and its people. They should be known for this. It should follow them for the rest of their lives. It should be the lead in their obituaries. People who are introduced to them at parties should have a flash of recognition, hastily end the handshake, then turn on their heels and race to the bathroom to scrub their hands. For the rest of their lives.

Naming these people isn't enough to stop the plunder, but it helps. Yesterday, Marko Elez, the 25 year old avowed "eugenicist" who wanted to "normalize Indian hate" and could not be "[paid] to marry outside of my ethnicity," was shown the door. He's off the job. For the rest of his life, he will be the broccoli-haired brownshirt who got fired for his asinine, racist shitposting:

https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury

After Krause's identity as the chief wrecker at DOGE was revealed, the brilliant Anna Merlan (author of Republic of Lies, the best book on conspiratorialism), wrote that "Now the whole country gets the experience of what it’s like when private equity buys the place you work":

https://bsky.app/profile/annamerlan.bsky.social/post/3lhepjkudcs2t

That's exactly it. We are witnessing a private equity-style plunder of the entire US government – of the USA itself. No one is better poised to write about this than Tkacik, because no one has private equity's number like Tkacik does:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/06/02/plunderers/#farben

Ironically, all this came down just as Trump announced that he was going to finally get rid of private equity's scammiest trick, the "carried interest" loophole that lets PE bosses (and, to a lesser extent, hedge fund managers) avoid billions in personal taxes:

https://archive.is/yKhvD

"Carried interest" has nothing to do with the interest rate – it's a law that was designed for 16th century sea captains who had an "interest" in the cargo they "carried":

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/29/writers-must-be-paid/#carried-interest

Trump campaigned on killing this loophole in 2017, but Congress stopped him, after a lobbying blitz by the looter industry. It's possible that he genuinely wants to get rid of the carried interest loophole – he's nothing if not idiosyncratic, as the residents of Greenland can attest:

https://prospect.org/world/2025-02-07-letter-between-friendly-nations/

Even if he succeeds, looters and the "investor class" will get a huge giveaway under Trump, in the form of more tax giveaways and the dismantling of labor and environmental regulation. But it's far more likely that he won't succeed. Rather – as Yves Smith writes for Naked Capitalism – he'll do what he did with the Canada and Mexico tariffs: make a tiny, unimportant change and then lie and say he had done something revolutionary:

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2025/02/is-trump-serious-about-trying-to-close-the-private-equity-carried-interest-loophole.html

This has been a shitty month, and it's not gonna get better for a while. On my dark days, I worry that it won't get better during my lifetime. But at least we have people like Tkacik to chronicle it, explain it, put it in context. She's amazing, a whirlwind. The same day that her report on Krause dropped, the Prospect published another must-read piece by her, digging deep into Alex Jones's convoluted bankruptcy gambit:

https://prospect.org/justice/2025-02-06-crisis-actors-alex-jones-bankruptcy/

It lays bare the wild world of elite bankruptcy court, another critical conduit for protecting the immoral rich from their victims. The fact that Tkacik can explain both Krause and the elite bankruptcy system on the same day is beyond impressive.

We've got a lot of work ahead of ourselves. The people in charge of this system – whose names you must learn and never forget – aren't going to go easily. But at least we know who they are. We know what they're doing. We know how the scam works. It's not a flurry of incomprehensible actions – it's a playbook that killed Red Lobster, Toys R Us, and Sears. We don't have to follow that playbook.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/02/07/broccoli-hair-brownshirts/#shameless

#pluralistic #Maureen Tkacik #the american prospect #corporate sociopaths #pixsy #luigi mangione #propublica #doge #coup #elon musk #guillotine watch #adam conover #private equity #citrix #tom krause #looters #marko elez

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virtualizationhowto · 2 years ago

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Home Server: Why you shouldn't build one

Home Server: Why you shouldn't build one #homelab #homeserversetup #buildingahomeserver #serverhardwareandsoftware #DIYhomeserver #homeservervscloudstorage #homenetworkmanagement #homeserveroperatingsystems #remoteaccessserver #homeautomationserver

You can do so much running your own home server. It is a great tool for learning and actually storing your data. Many prefer to control their own file sharing, media streaming services, and also run their own web server hosting self-hosted services. However, let’s look at a home server from a slightly different angle – why you shouldn’t build your own home servers. Table of contentsWhat is a…

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#building a home server #DIY Home Server #home automation server #home network management #home server energy savings #home server operating systems #Home Server Setup #home server vs cloud storage #remote access server #server hardware and software

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ms-demeanor · 4 months ago

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Maybe I should wait for the PDF, but I’ve been thinking about password managers lately and might forget to check for that. My problem is that if there’s one thing I want to never ever put on the cloud to potentially get compromised, it’s my password information. But if there’s one thing I don’t want to lose access to, it’s also my password information. This seems to rule out both local options like KeePassXC and remote ones like Bitwarden.

I've started to become somewhat annoyed by the "there is no cloud, there is only someone else's computer" thing (this is a general thing, not specifically directed at you but you reminded me of it).

The risks of putting things on the cloud are that the internet or the provider will go down and you'll lose access to your data OR that the data will be compromised because the information is essentially public because it's on someone else's device.

Losing access because the provider crashes and burns or because there is a global internet outage is a distinct possibility, however with most password managers it is very very easy to download a copy of your data, which you can then store as an encrypted file on your desktop.

With companies like Bitwarden and Proton, which have open source encrypted cloud storage, your risk of compromise from being on someone else's computer is essentially zero. It IS important to make sure that you're finding a provider who is actually encrypting your shit and is not holding onto your password, which is why Bitwarden and Proton are the providers I keep recommending (privacyguides.org has recommendations here; bitwarden, protonpass, and keepassxc are all on the list, all of these are extremely safe options).

And that's where I have the problem with the "other people's computer" thing. I would have zero problems with storing a properly encrypted file in the comments of a facebook page. If a document had good encryption I would post it on livejournal and not worry about people getting into it. If you are working with good encryption, there is zero risk of compromise when keeping your shit on someone else's computer.

So I actually think the solution for either side of this conundrum is the same: If you're worried about losing access to your password manager because a service shuts down or the internet blows up, download a copy of your data to your desktop and store it in an encrypted folder on your computer. If you're worried about losing access to your password manager if your physical hardware is damaged in a disaster, export a copy of your data, save it as an encrypted file, and upload your encrypted file to gmail for all it matters - they will straight up not be able to get into it.

But that's also all kind of beside the point because a major feather in Bitwarden's cap is that you can self-host. It doesn't need to go on someone else's cloud, you can put it on your own server and never worry that someone else is going to tinker with your password manager.

Either way, you are sort of worrying beyond your means because if you're not using a password manager right now you are almost certainly at greater risk of credential stuffing attacks than anything else and need to put out that fire.

Anyway if you're at Harvey Mudd have you tried Dr. Grubbs across from where Rhino used to be? Everything on the menu is great but there is this jalapeño garlic sauce they've got to go with their mains that is so good that I want like two gallons of it.

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lizzyk137 · 1 year ago

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The Technical Analyst and the Boy Genius: Spencer x Reader

Summary: You finally get your dream job working as a technical analyst for the BAU, but one team member isn't happy you're there. Warnings: Angst, talk of death, guns, shootings, stomach wounds

Want to read more, visit my Masterlist!

Five years. It took you five years to make it where you are today. Five years of no sleep, constant anxiety and a need to get where you want to be.

You worked your butt off in school to get your many degrees, but your hidden passion was computer work. Getting into the many cracks that was hidden and searching for answers or for what was in the unknown. It was what made you so useful to the FBI.

Throughout your five years of working for the FBI, you had been with multiple units as a technical analyst, helping your coworkers save the day on different missions. It brought you more joy than you would have thought it did when you stepped into the FBI building all those years ago.

Within that time, you've joined your teams on and off the field helping, and you struggled with what you liked better, field work or office work. Either way, you were helping. So, when you got the offer to transfer to the FBI's BAU, though you were sad to leave your team, you jumped at the chance to work with the group that was your end goal. And that was because of one person.

Penelope.

You both had only met a handful of times, your schedules always opposite of each other and your work bringing you to different locations didn't help either. But she was your mentor and her word was gospel. It had started your first year at the FBI, you had hacked into her computers just for fun and since then you were best friends. And now you were finally getting to work right were you wanted to be.

"Oh my god, oh my god, it's you! It's really you!" Penn gasped out once she saw you make your way through the double doors of the BAU's bull pen. She squished you into a hug, disregarding the fact you had a huge box in your hand.

You laughed in her embrace and your free hand circled her back. "I know it feels like a dream!"

You stood there chatting for a second before a smooth masculine voice came from behind Penn. "I heard we were getting a new partner in crime, I didn't think she'd be this beautiful." He stopped besides Penelope before saying to her, "Not as beautiful as you, baby girl."

You smiled at the exchange between the two. You had done your research on the team, Penn suppling you with random lists she made of each member to help you get to know them better. "You must be Derek Morgan, it's a pleasure to meet you." You said, stretching out your one good hand to shake.

"You know me?" Derek chuckled, as he shook your hand.

"I've done my research." You winked at him before laughing.

"See, she'll fit right in." Penn said before grabbing your hand and introducing you to everyone.

Two weeks had flown by since you started working besides Penn. It was awkward at first getting to know the team and how each one worked, but you didn't mind. It was the awkward bits that made it fun. You had managed to nail down how everyone worked and what they expected, except for Spencer. He was upset at you randomly, bickering at the things you said or just wanting the news from Penelope. Rossi told you it was because he didn't like change, and not to take it personally. But as the days went by, it was starting to, not matter how hard you were telling yourself to power through.

It wasn't until a case that required you specifically was when he started acting differently.

It was a strange case, the UnSub would implant a virus into large computer server farms, where he would kill his victims by using flashing lights and noises through their computers to send them into a deathly seizure. The only way to rid this virus was to remove the discs that were implanted in person while also blocking it remotely from getting to people. It was a two-person job, and Hotch decided it was best to fly you out with them since you were cleared for field work.

Spencer wasn't thrilled and he made it known, Hotch sending him looks to shut him up when he started. You didn't mind when he wasn't besides you, you could ignore it like you used to when you had similar thoughts from people on your old teams, but when Hotch paired you two together with Derek that's when it started to annoy you and it just got worse as the day went on.

"Do you ever shut up?" You asked him that night at the police station. Everyone was trying to figure where the UnSub would strike next, but all Spencer could do was dismiss everything you'd say.

The room grew silent when you finally snapped. Derek and Emily biting their lips to stop from smiling because you finally stuck up for yourself.

"I don't care if you're a genius. You don't know computers like I do. If I were the UnSub, I would strike here. It's a huge server farm with plenty of rooms full of servers to sneak this virus in. He's gone with all smaller farms before and has been building his way up. He's cocky, and he isn't going to stop until he hits the biggest farms." Spencer stood quiet, watching you as you took a deep breath in before you tilted your head at him. "Oh, and did I forget to mention, I have several degrees in Psychology and Criminal Justice along with degrees in almost every field on computer work?"

The room broke out into chuckles, Spencer remaining silent. Rossi gave you a pat on the back with a small wink. "I think you finally broke him. Good job."

The next day, you were once again paired up with Spencer, this time alone. He was quiet as you drove and didn't say a word until you were at the farm when he grabbed you and whispered to be quiet.

You looked at him shocked, he wasn't one for physical touch, especially to new people and you knew it wouldn't happen with you with how much he disliked you. He pointed at the hallway that upon inspection had droplets of blood going down it. Spencer drew his weapon and stepped in front of you as you both headed down the hall to find a security guard leaning against the wall bleeding from several gunshot wounds.

Spencer called for an ambulance and back up before saying, "I'm Doctor Reid with the FBI, what happened?""

The man struggled to sit up so he could talk. You helped him up, pressing your sweater against his wounds. "A man came in, shot me and headed to our main server room. I tried to lock down the doors before he could get in, but he shot the control booth and shot me again."

You looked up at the control panel in the small room next to you. Spencer replaced your hands on the man's stomach and nodded for you to take a look. The panel was beyond fixing, the only way into the server room was to unlock it by hacking into the lock on the door. You looked back Spencer who was holding the man up as he reassured him help was on the way.

"The only way to open the room is accessing the panel box on the door. We're going to have get to the main room." Spencer nodded and helped looked at the security guard next to him.

"Tell me how to do it, you stay here with him."

"It's not something you can just figure out, it's something I need to do."

"No, Y/L/N. It's too dangerous, you're just an office worker."

You sent him an annoyed look. "I'm more qualified than you think I am."

"You may think you're qualified, but they didn't give you a gun. So, tell me what to do."

You looked at him and sighed. There was no way he could unlock the access panel in time to stop the UnSub and arguing back and forth was stalling you both. You could either give him the information and hope he figures it out or break away from Spencer and do it yourself.

In no way did you want credit or glory in taking down an UnSub, you just wanted to stop him. You didn't want him to take more lives than he already had, and this server farm was huge, and he could easily kill hundreds if he wanted too. Wasting time was ideal in this situation. You could have your badge taken away or be removed from the team, but you knew you had to try. So, you did the opposite of what the boy genius was telling you to do, and that was to sprint out of the control room, Spencer screaming for you to come back as you headed to the main server room.

You looked at the control panel on the side wall, pulling the frame off of it before plugging in your phone to it and taking over the controls. Your brain felt like it was on fire with how hard you were trying to find the specific number pattern to help your phone out. Once you figured it out you could easily hack into main control system and open the door. But you still had the UnSub to think about. He already shot up the security guard which he hasn't done before. So, you had to figure he was by the door, gun ready for you to come in. You were a few seconds away to opening up the door when an angry Spencer came running your way, his face red with anger.

You didn't have time to think, you just did. You launched yourself at Spencer, knocking him over as the door opened and bullets flew towards you.

Spencer was stunned with your body draped over his, your sweet perfume mixing with his woodsy scent. He watched you quickly get up, somehow dodging the few bullets that was shot at you before knocking the gun out of the UnSub's hand with a roundhouse kick before swiftly taking him the ground, his face smooshed into the ground. You looked like an angel and his brain couldn't comprehend what just happened.

The sound of footsteps heading his way and JJ leaning down to check on him brought Spencer back to reality. You single handedly stopped an UnSub with a roundhouse kick while saving his life a few seconds earlier.

Hotch quickly took over from you and handcuffed the UnSub. "Go, I got this."

You nodded and looked at the hundreds of servers in front of you, analyzing which ones could contain the virus. The team watched you as you figured which ones had it and how many there were. The rest of the day was spent disarming the virus, Spencer following you around as you went holding onto whatever you gave him.

"Hey, Y/N." Spencer's voice came from behind you as you made your way to the plane's stairs.

You turned aorund to find him staring at you, nervousness written all over his face. "Yeah?"

He cleared his throat. "Um, I just wanted to thank you for back at the server farm. You knew what needed to be done, and you were able to stop the virus before it could take another life. So good job back there."

A smile crept onto your face at how nervous he was to thank you. "No problem. I have anti-terrorist training from one of the old units I worked with. We profile and anticipate their next moves so it was pretty similar."

"You were a field agent?" He asked, as he made his way up the stairs behind you.

"Yeah, I worked on and off the field in my old units. It helps me from going stir crazy." You laughed and took a seat on the couch, Spencer joining you.

"Wow, and the karate?"

"Oh, I was a gymnast and did karate growing up."

The rest of the plane ride you spent talking with Spencer about your old units and your interests.

Emily looked over at Rossi and Derek before nodding over to the two of you. "Looks like they're going to be inseparable soon."

"Looks like you and Penelope have some competition." Rossi chuckled.

"Baby girl and I are going to have to step it up."

JJ tuned around in her seat to join the conversation. "Looks like Spence is already pretty comfortable."

The team looked over to see your head on Spencer's shoulder and his on rest on the top of yours, sleep finally catching up to you two.

Hotch sighed at the two of you. "Don't tell me I'm going to have to watch them too."

#spencer reid imagine #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #spencer reid criminal minds #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid scenarios #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #dr reid #criminal minds penelope #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #jj criminal minds #arron hotchner #derrick morgan #david rossi

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vellichor-of-the-solivagant · 2 years ago

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What's in the Woods?

Summary: Task Force 141 crashed down in the woods. Price is missing, while Ghost, Gaz, and Soap found a mansion, where you live.

Masterlist / Archive of Our Own / DISCORD SERVER

Content Warning: NSFW, Smut, F!reader, group sex, blowjob/facefucking, anal sex, p in v, cunnilingus, fingering, handjobs, slight horror elements (?)

• Task Force 141 where they crashed in a remote forest, but somehow survived. Got separated for some time but managed to find one another in the woods, except for Captain Price. Ghost, Soap, and Gaz went around the forest once more to look for him, only to find a run-down mansion where they decided to stay for the night before finding the Captain again.

• The trio entered the mansion and rested before deciding to look around for things that could help them, only to find a girl sleeping in one of the rooms upstairs.

• Gaz was the one to find you when he entered your dark room and realized there was a person in bed. Thought you were a corpse until you screamed and he screamed.

• the other two rushed to where the sound came from and found you threatening to hit Gaz with a lamp. You still hit the poor guy with a lamp. Calmed down after some explanation from them and apologized to Kyle.

• Ghost thought it was weird that a person was living in an abandoned mansion in the middle of the forest and asked what are you doing here and what made you live here.

• You explained that your family built this mansion here because they liked remote places, only to abandon you here. You also explained how you survived despite the circumstances. They thought of you as modern Rapunzel, if not at least a literate female Tarzan.

• You ended up showing them around the mansion and lent them room, but apologized that of course, they were dirty because a single person couldn't possibly clean an entire mansion. Again, you weren't Rapunzel.

• Brought them to nearby waterfalls where you'd take a bath, clean your clothes, and catch fish because the mansion had long run out of water.

• A couple of months into the crash, they still hadn't found Price, only his hat and gear, and there weren't any rescues coming. At the same time, they had somehow gotten used to living in your mansion, even though they still question some things in their minds, but somehow those questions always slip past their minds. Have they always been that forgetful?

• They found you one night taking a bath in the pool of the waterfalls completely naked. How the hell aren't you freezing? However, the longer they stare at you, the more they can't help the growing tents in their pants. When they joined you, you weren't a bit surprised. In fact, you had a smile.

• Soap picked you up and you quickly wrapped your legs around his waist, his hard cock leaking of precum, brushing against your cunt, and making you moan into the kiss.

• Ghost grabbed your ass from behind and rubbed his cock, groaning at the friction. He trailed kisses on your nape as Soap worked on your breasts and nipples, eliciting whines and moans from you that soon got muffled when Gaz grabbed your neck, bringing your lips to his.

• Gaz held one of your hands and guided it towards his shaft, letting you stroke his length.

• It didn't take long for you to beg to be fucked and they brought you back to the mansion.

• Soap dropped you on your bed and inserted a couple of digits in you, making you squeal at the sudden intrusion, and he teased you about how wet you were. He started to pump in and out, while Gaz gave your clit maddening circles that got you clenching around Soap's fingers.

• You whined when both men stopped, but Ghost was quick to fill up the loss as he thrust himself inside of your pussy. He let you adjust to his size for a few seconds, before pounding onto you.

• He picked you up from the bed, one hand on your ass and the other around your waist. He sat down on the bed with you on his lap and lay down, stopping for a moment.

• You looked at him in confusion but realized that Gaz had lined up his cock on your ass, hands gripping your waist. You groaned as he slowly eased himself inside your hole.

• Soap grabbed a handful of your hair, kissing you before pushing his cock into your mouth. Your eyes watered and you closed them, bobbing your head with Soap's hand guiding your head.

• After a few rounds of getting your three holes pounded, you and the trio decided to go back to the waterfalls to get yourselves clean and rest in one of the rooms they borrowed.

• Still not too tired to sleep, you talked and talked with them until the moment Gaz asked if you would like to come with them once rescue comes to this place.

• You merely smiled, eyes blank like a void, and answered, "Leave? Why would you leave this place?"

• They stared at you as you said that and a hum left your lips, slowly bringing them to sleep.

Note: It was fun writing this. I wanted to make this more creepy but got lazy halfway through. Totally did not make this next to my grandmother.

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rohirric-hunter · 8 months ago

Note

Tell us another story from your security guard days

You learned as a patroller (or any other position that actually worked in the location we were guarding) that the alarms never worked properly. However, the people in Security Control, who were supposed to remotely manage the alarms, believed wholeheartedly and blindly in their infallibility.

One day, while I was operating a metal detector out of the data center floor, a trained monkey (my semi-fond semi-condescending nickname for Google employees) came out of the data center and said, "There's a fire in there."

"Okay," I said. There was a patroller passing by at the moment, and I waved him over and asked him to go onto the DC floor to take care of the fire.

He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Find out where it is?" I said. (The trained monkey did not know, and had apparently seen it some fifteen minutes prior and chosen to finish up whatever he was doing before going and alerting anyone else about it.) "Report it to the supervisor and ask him to call the fire department? Put it out, if it's small enough?"

"I don't know how to use a fire extinguisher," he said, which was an interesting thing for him to say considering every security guard there had mandatory annual fire extinguisher and first aid training.

"Okay," I said. "Then take over my post."

"I'm about to go to lunch," he said.

I picked up my radio and reported to the supervisor that he had taken over my post. (If the post was later found unattended it would be on him, at that point.) Then I went onto the DC floor.

The fire was not big, but it was loud, so I was able to find it without much trouble. One of the servers had caught on fire somehow. I called Security Control and told them there was a fire and where it was.

"No there isn't," Security Control said.

"Yes there is," I said.

"There are no alarms going off," Security Control said.

"There sure aren't," I said. "But I'm looking at a fire right now."

"There can't be a fire," Security Control said. "There's no alarm."

I put my radio back on my belt, deciding I had better deal with the problem before it got bigger, and quickly put the fire out (using my mandatory annual fire extinguisher training). Then I radioed my supervisor and reported the fire. Fortunately he was a cool guy who believed me and had my back about it and I got to listen to him chew out Security Control for the rest of the day about the alarm system and the seriousness of fires and the proper protocol for dealing with fires.

That's why you always always always back up anything you have stored on Google Drive or any of their other online storage services. Or like. Just don't use them at all.

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strandnreyes · 4 months ago

Text

2024 fic round up

thanks for tagging me @heartstringsduet @whatsintheboxmh @henrygrass !!

sacred new beginnings

After five years of marriage, TK and Carlos have been through a lot together, but change is never something that stays away for too long. As they approach a new phase of their lives—searching for a new home—they continue to navigate many other changing aspects of their relationship—family drama, work dynamics, sex, and discussions of their future.

With each twist and turn, they work through it as they always do. Together.

Or, the marriage fic.

tell me you're still mine

Their first Valentine’s Day as husbands is far from what TK expected, but despite the circumstances, they still manage to make it their own.

the rainbow fish cowritten with @welcometololaland

Despite being a big fan of animals, TK Strand has never owned one. He’s never had a reason to enter a pet store, until he gets caught in a torrential downpour.

Carlos Reyes knows a lot about pet stores. It comes with the territory, considering he works at one. That being said, none of his in-store training ever taught him how to help a beautiful, rain-soaked stranger pick up the aquarium rock display they just knocked over.

The Tarlos pet store meet-cute.

all of you, all of me intertwined

A collection of unrelated stories taken from prompts about types of hugs, subtle love, and setting the scene.

the wildest winter

TK’s second winter in Antarctica starts the same as the first—short days, cold nights, and a never-ending work load. Except when Carlos returns part way through the season after a sudden departure last year, TK has to learn to cope with being in the most remote place on Earth with the man he used to warm up with nearly every night. An expedition for emergency maintenance throws them together again, but when they become part of the emergency, they’re forced to face their pasts.

all is not lost

As they tear through the loft, Carlos gets flashbacks to when he had to do the same for a lost lizard. Twice. Except this time it’s not a reptile, but a very expensive engagement ring that doesn’t even belong to them. They flip cushions and roll rugs and dig through the dishes filled with pretzels or chocolate covered almonds, but even after their home looks like a tornado ripped through it, they’re still empty handed.

TK slumps down on the living room floor after a last ditch effort to look under the couch, staring up at Carlos with wide, horrified eyes. “The ring is gone,” he mutters, and all Carlos can do is swallow past his dry throat and nod.

Or, a tale of three lost rings

what could've been

After recent events, Carlos once again considers what it means to be a father.

third time's the charm

TK has an idea for role play. Carlos isn’t totally on board.

so much for summer love

The summer before his senior year of college at NYU, TK finds himself in Galveston, Texas, working at a restaurant on the beach. It’s there that he meets Carlos, a fellow server with a heartstopping smile and a need for a temporary break from his own life back in Austin. Without planning it, the two of them fall into a whirlwind romance that’s a bad idea for a million different reasons, yet they can’t figure out how to stay away.

these fatal fantasies

Carlos always feels at home working in the stables, where he’s accustomed to order and solitude. Except when a disturbance catches the attention of the king, Carlos is presented with an offer he can’t refuse: the prince’s guard.

Prince Tyler is the last person Carlos wants to spend all his time with, but he commits to his duty of saving a life. Along the way, he learns that spending so much time with TK is dangerous all on its own.

save a horse, ride a cowboy

After a comment about being good with horses leaves TK wondering what else he doesn’t know about his fiancé, he jumps on the opportunity to ranch sit for the night. The 24 hours they spend together out in rural Texas have them falling even deeper in love.

leave the light on

Early in the hours of the morning, Carlos finally makes it home.

A post 5x01 coda

meet me in the afterglow

TK and Carlos’ thoughts, feelings, and actions throughout the course of 5x05

never quite buried

It’s a deal they made a century ago—when they reach their 100th anniversary, they’ll spend a month apart. It’s preventative more than anything, but TK and Carlos go through with it anyway, even if it’ll be the longest they’ve been apart since they met on a dreary autumn day. When it’s over, TK is more than eager to reunite with Carlos at the place where their love story began, but when he doesn’t show, TK realizes his worst nightmare has come to life. As it turns out, tracking down vampire hunters and his kidnapped husband is the easy part.

keep your hands in my hands

As one chapter in Carlos’ life comes to a close, another one begins.

brighter in the morning cowritten with @paperstorm

Sometimes nights together are hard to come by, but TK and Carlos find ways to connect as husbands in the morning.

A series of 12 mornings together for each of the 12 episodes in season 5 (plot permitting …)

because you want it

Late December always feels like a zoo for Carlos as he prepares his classroom for winter break, but when an afterwork errand causes him to bump into a handsome paramedic, Carlos’ holiday season takes a turn. As they begin to get to know one another through shared meals and traditions, Carlos finds a whole new reason to feel joyful this season.

the railyard

One dead body, seven suspects, and two undercover detectives sent in to get to the bottom of it. It shouldn’t be too difficult—TK and Carlos are used to solving murders—but when the department decides the best cover is to go in as newlywed husbands, they’re forced to face some hard truths. As the case goes on, they struggle to remember what’s real and what’s fake, and they worry the suspects’ secrets may not be the only ones that are revealed.

fics written in 2024, but not yet published

this is me trying - coming soon

Early in their relationship, TK finds Narcan in Carlos’ glovebox. He doesn’t take it well.

right where you left me - coming soon

When Carlos isn’t ready to be a parent and Jonah needs a home, TK and Carlos must make the impossible decision to go their separate ways. Two years later and they’re still trying to get their hearts on board with that plan, but time has passed and things have changed, and they learn that maybe they don’t have to figure out how to move on after all.

tagging @paperstorm @lightningboltreader @reyesstrand @tellmegoodbye @carlos-in-glasses @welcometololaland @rmd-writes + open tag!!

#tag game

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