#my little notes are just me constantly trying to convince myself of something and then a couple posts later me admitting to myself

[cactusdodes]

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[hughes86-43]

My Person | L.Hughes

summary - you and Luke have been each other’s person, it just has taken a while for you both to realize it.

note - I’ve been working on this for a while, and I wanted to get out before I dive into the blurb night requests. I hope you like it!

warnings - a little bit of angst, mentions of parties and drinking, but other than that nothing else (if there’s more let me know!). maybe some grammar errors

masterlist

Ever since you met Luke at a frat party at the University of Michigan, you two have always been each other’s ‘person’. Constantly looking for each other in a crowded room, calling each other when something happened, going to eat after a stressful day, or hanging out with each other with shared friends.

Truthfully, you don’t really know how it happened. You were both new to the university, he had hockey friends and you had friends of those friends. Your friends had convinced you one late September night to go to a frat party with them, although it was late you agreed, and then you got introduced to the hockey team, but you hadn’t met Luke yet. It was overall a great night, and nearing 11:30, you decided to take a break from talking with everyone and the drinking games, and made your way outside to sit on the patio couch. The drinking was starting to catch up to you as a headache was coming on.

Rubbing your forehead to try to release the pressure, you didn’t even notice that someone had made their way outside. “Hey, are you okay?” Startled by hearing someone, you look up and see a guy standing there wearing a black Michigan shirt with jeans.

Waving him off, you reply back, “Oh, yeah, just got a headache coming on.” He nods his head, but walks to go sit on the other chair. You lean back into the couch you’re on.

After a moment of awkward silence between you, although the crowd inside was nothing but, the guy speaks up again, “Why are you out here?” He’s busy looking off to the side while he asks it.

“Um it was just getting to be a bit too much for me, just needed a breather.” You shyly laugh, looking at him. “Why are you out here? Since you asked me.”

He finally turns his head to look at you, he says, “I guess I could say the same. One can only handle a drunk Dylan Duke for only a little bit.” He can’t help but to let out a laugh.

Remembering the name he just said from meeting all the hockey players earlier in the night, you ask him, “He’s on the hockey team right? Are you on the hockey team?”

He nods his head and says, “Yeah, I am. Are you friends with him?”

Shaking your head, “Oh, no, some of my friends are, I just met him and all the rest of the players earlier tonight.”

“Oh. I guess I got here a little bit after that. Anyway, since you met the others, I guess I could introduce myself,” he says with a laugh, “My name is Luke.” He leans forward and holds out a hand for you to shake.

Deciding if you should, you lean forward and shake his hand. “I’m Y/N.” He smiles at you, and let’s go of your hand and leans back in his chair.

From then on, every party that you both ended up at, you two would constantly be searching for each other. For you, there was something about him that seemed to make you calm down, and for him, he found you absolutely captivating by how you seem to hold the stance of everyone around you.

For months of freshman year, if anybody needed to know where either one of you were, they just needed to find one of you. They knew if they needed Luke, that he would be with you and it was the same for the other way around.

Sometimes his friends, like Dylan and Ethan, would constantly chirp at him as soon as he made it to a party you weren’t at.

“Hey Lukeyyy, Y/N isn’t here tonight I don’t think, what will you ever do!” Dylan would say as Luke walked into a party instantly looking around for you.

“How’d you even know I was looking for her anyway?” Luke would say shyly to him.

Ethan stepped in to say something. “Oh, please. As if you don’t look around at each party for her everytime.” Luke would just end up walking away from them to go grab a drink and then text you to see where you were and if you were okay. You would always be quick to reassure him that you were not feeling it that night and he could always come by your dorm if he wanted to (he always wanted to and he would always leave the party to find you).

When it came to Michigan hockey games, you were always trying your best to be at them. Every morning of a home game, Luke would text you to make sure you were going to be able to make it. If there was an away game, he would make sure you were going to able to keep up with the game. Not only were you there to support your schools team, you were mostly there to be Luke’s number one fan, which you never failed to tell someone if they asked.

You would make sure to always wear Michigan colors and you always would make sure to wear something Luke related. When you first told Luke you were interested in going to the hockey games, he made sure to give you a little necklace that had the number “43” on it, which only made it seem like you two were an item (possibly that what Luke wanted).

One time when he was extra anxious before a big game, you gave him your lucky blue bracelet that you wore every time you were anxious yourself. Luke knew how much you loved and cherished that bracelet, so he was extra grateful that you let him wear it. Not to mention that was probably one the moments that he fell in love with you more.

At the end of freshman year, you were busy with finals and packing to go back home when it all become too much. After spending the majority of the day with your head in a textbook and looking at your laptop, you were feeling the affects of not much sleep and all your anxieties piling up on top of you. When you decided you needed a break, you made your way to Luke’s place. He had barely heard from you in two days, he knew you were busy.

When you got there, he could see the tiredness and the emotional state that you were in. Pulling you into his room, he lets you sit on his bed as you spill out all that you are worrying about. When all of a sudden you were struggling to breathe, Luke pulled you into his arm and rubbed his hand up and down your arm to calm you down. He knew you weren’t sleeping much, so he let you lay down in his bed to rest. He was just going to let you rest while he went and did some errands, but you grabbed his hand and had him lay down with you. He instantly laid down with you and let you sleep until the next day. In the morning, you realized your feelings for him had grown.

During the summer break, you were back in your hometown, while Luke was back at his brothers’ lake house. He invited you to come over for a few weeks, but you wanted to at least go home for a bit before going. While you were away from him, you two never failed to FaceTime each other and text one another about all the things you did.

When you went to the lake house after not seeing him for about a month, you both couldn’t have been happier to see each other. You had met his parents, Ellen and Jim, at a few home games, and had even gone out to dinner with them, but you hadn’t met his brothers. His parents absolutely adored you and were secretly hoping you two would get together (at least that’s what they would tell Quinn and Jack). You knew as soon as you got to the lake house you were going to have to meet Quinn and Jack. You were nervous about meeting them for some reason, which was weird since you weren’t as nervous when meeting Ellen and Jim. It was just due to them two being his older brothers and they were constantly looking out for him.

You instantly hit it off with Jack when you met him after he came back in from being on the boat. You both had joked over how Luke was falling off the wake board every time he tried to get on it for at least a week. (Luke was offended you were teaming up with Jack to go against him). However, getting along with Quinn was a bit harder.

With Quinn, you decided that he was just looking out for Luke and didn’t want to see him get hurt, even though you two weren’t dating. Over the three weeks you were at the lake house, Quinn slowly began to notice how good you were for Luke. This was especially true when he saw how you never failed to make Luke laugh over anything and everything. He also saw how much Luke was in love with you. He had pulled Jack aside multiple times to see if he had noticed it too (he had) and they both made a bet on when you two would get together.

Anytime Jack’s friends, Trever, Cole and Alex, were over, they were constantly asking Jack if you and Luke were together. Everybody seemed to understand you two had feelings for each other besides you and Luke.

While you were at the lake house, you were there for Luke’s draft day. He had been nervous all day for it, but you were constantly reassuring him all would go well and made sure he had your bracelet. You were so happy when he was selected by New Jersey, as you knew how much he wanted to be back with Jack. Once the excitement of the night calmed down, you had sneaked into his room and laid with him all night long talking about anything and everything.

Sadly, summer came and went. The start of sophomore year for you and Luke was in full force. Somehow during the craziness of school starting, you slowly started to realize that you may have feelings for Luke. From the shy glances to him across the room that has him sending you a smile or the early morning coffee and breakfast meetups or the constant calling each other over the smallest thing that comes up, but you don’t ever tell him, and he never tells you.

Once school was in full swing, holidays came and went, parties came and went, assignments came and went, and hockey games came and went all leading up to Luke’s last game with Michigan hockey. You made it to the game, and you were nervous but it was mostly for him. You knew how nervous he was throughout the whole day leading up to the game, as he never failed to tell you when he was anxious. You knew he was leaving as soon as the game was over, you just had to prepare yourself to see your best friend leaving.

At the end of the game, he finds you. Pulling you into a hug, he says into your neck, “Thanks for being here tonight. Tough loss, but I don’t have time to think about that.”

Pulling back from him, you smile. “You gotta start heading out, don’t you?”

He gives you a sad smile and a nod. “Yeah, I do. But I’ll text you when I land, and anytime after that. Call anytime, I mean it! If I don’t answer, then text me and I’ll call you back.”

“You need to stay focus when you get there, I don’t want to burden all my problems on you.”

Rubbing his thumb in circles on your arm, he shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I like listening to your problems and everything else, and plus I’ll be calling you constantly about mine so it will be even!” He laughs and pulls you into another hug.

“Alright, I gotta go. Be careful getting home,” Luke says. You stay there in that spot, watching him walk away, but he turns around and yells, “You better text me when you make it home so I know you made it safely!” You manage to let out a laugh and nod your head and give him a thumbs up. Once he made it out the doors, you made your way to find Dylan, as he was your ride.

“You know, why don’t you just confess that you like him as more than a friend?” Dylan says as he puts an arm around your shoulder as you both walk.

“Uh I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say as you eye him down out of the corner of your eye.

“Hmmm, yeah sure. Whatever you say. Just saying, you both act more like a couple than any other couple I have seen.”

That whole conversation with Dylan stayed in your head for weeks after that. With Luke gone to New Jersey, you two still called each other or texted each other, but it soon became limited to a few text or calls during the week, as you were busy with school and he was busy with playoffs. On your part, the lack of communication with him was that you were scared of your ever growing feelings for him. You were scared that he didn’t feel the same or that he would no longer be your best friend, so you limited yourself on how much you talked to him.

Luke thought it was weird that you weren’t talking to him as much. He would call you but you would just talk to him for five minutes and then have to hang up. He was glad to finally be playing in the NHL, but he hated that he couldn’t see you or talk to you everyday like he did. He was constantly asking Dylan and the other guys if you were okay and what you were up to, which made their theory of him liking you grow even more.

When the Devils played the Hurricanes in the playoffs, Ellen saw how much Luke missed you, and with school ending, she invited you out to game five. You were weary about going, but honestly you had to see him. It had been a long while without him. You knew it would be a complete surprise to Luke.

The game was rough, and sadly they lost so they were out of the running. You were even more nervous to see Luke now that they lost. You followed Ellen and Jim down to the boys. You stayed behind his parents as Luke and Jack hugged each one. Once Luke pulled away from Jim, his eyes finally landed on you.

Although he was shocked to see you, he made his way to you. He instantly pulled you into a hug, squeezing you so tight as if he had to make sure you were actually there.

“I can’t believe you’re here, How’d you even get here?” Luke says as he pulls away from you, keeping his hands on your arms.

“Ellen flew me in. You know I had to see you play in a NHL game sooner or later,” you give him a smile.

“Yeah, if only we had won,” he mumbles.

“I’m sorry, I know you guys have been working hard, and to have made it this far is still pretty good.”

“I know, but enough of that, my night has just gotten better now that you’re here.” You felt your heart instantly melt at his words. You only hoped that he meant it in a way that meant something more.

Hearing someone clearing their throat behind you, you look to see that Jack is looking very impatient. “Okay, lovers or whatever you are, I’m hungry so let’s go get food, unless you two are going to stay here all day staring at each other then we will leave you.” At his words, Ellen smacks his arm telling him to shush.

Knowing that he is upset with the loss of the game, and not wanting to make him even more upset, you and Luke follow them outside of the arena to the car.

Once dinner ended, you and Luke made your way back to his hotel room, bidding goodnight to his parents and Jack, who just weirdly smiled at you and kept raising his eyebrows. Walking into Luke’s hotel room, you anxiously stand around for a second before walking to the chair in the room and sitting your bag on it.

You’re sitting on the bed picking at your nails, when Luke speaks up from across the room. “I missed you, you know?”

Looking up at him, you see him leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, like something is bothering him. “I missed you a lot too, actually,” you voice back. Expecting him to say something sweet back, but he just scoffs at your reply.

“Really? Because it really didn’t seem like you did.”

You tilt your head at him since you don’t know what he’s so upset about. “What do you mean? I called, I texted all the time.”

He laughs, “Yeah but only every other day or so, and when I called you, you seemed to be in such a hurry to get off the phone!”

“Well, I had things to do!” Now you were getting upset as well at him.

“I had things to do as well! But I made sure to always call or text you, since that’s what I promised to do!” He says while running his hand through his hair. “I was completely stressed out after a game the other day, and I wanted nothing else to do but call my best friend to tell her about it, but she didn’t answer and left me a measly text!” His voice is starting to get louder.

“You know, I had to go through Dylan and the guys to figure out if you were actually okay! They always said that you were, and they were just as confused as I was about you not talking to me!” He turns his head from you to look at the wall, trying to take a moment to calm down.

Standing up from the bed, you say, “Well, maybe I just didn’t want to talk to you! I- um- well- I thought that maybe if I didn’t talk to you, you wouldn’t figure out how I felt.”

Whipping his head back to you, he asks, “What do you mean how you felt?”

Sighing, you reply, “Nothing, forget I said anything.”

Walking over to you, he shakes his head. “Oh, no, no, no. I finally get to hear you talk, and I now don’t want you to stop. So say what you meant.”

Deciding to just suck it up and tell him, you breathe out and then look up into his eyes. “Fine, I like you as more than a friend. Wait- actually I think I may love you more than a friend.” You continue to stare into his eyes as you wait for a response.

After a few seconds, he starts to smile. “You mean to tell me that you wouldn’t talk to me because you loved me as more than a friend?” He actually lets out a laugh.

Crossing your arms, you mumble, “Okay, if you going to laugh, just forget I said anything.”

His smile falters. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh that way, I just mean that I find it funny you wouldn’t talk to me because you actually love me when I feel the exact same way as you.”

Your arms fall to your side at his confession and your cheeks start to turn red. “What?”

“Listen, I love you more than anything in this world. You are the only person that I voice my worries to, you are the only person that cares so much about me, you are the only person who can make me laugh or whatever no matter what. You are my person. I want nothing more than to be your person. I want to be the person you call no matter what, I want to be the person that is always there for you, and I want to be the person who always makes you laugh.” He finally lets out a breath, as if he has been holding in how he truly felt for you forever (he has).

“Luke, honey, you have always been my person. I just don’t think I truly realized it until before you left, hell I think everyone realized a year ago,” you stifle out a laugh, looking at him with blurry eyes.

Luke lets out a laugh as well. “I know, Dylan, my brothers, my parents have all been trying to get me to just tell you. Not to mention, I definitely think they have a bet going on.” He walks closer to you and doesn’t hesitate for a second to pull you into his arms.

You wrap your arms around his back, rubbing them up and down, and then pulling him in tighter. You never want to let him go, and he never wants to let you go either. “So what does this mean for us?” He pulls back to look at you, you lift a hand to move some curls out of his face.

He gives you a shy smile as he says, “I think this means that I can finally ask if you’ll be my girlfriend?”

“I think that would only make sense. So yes, I’ll be your girlfriend!”

“Great because I’ve been dying to kiss you ever since I seen you outside of that frat party over a year ago!”

“Maybe if you did kiss me at that party, then it would have sped up this process,” you joke.

“Hmmm, imma kiss you now.”

Once your lips meet, it’s like all of sudden all of the pieces that had been missing are all of a sudden mended back together. You both kiss each other like your lives depend on it, like you need each other’s touch to live, and maybe you do.

Suddenly needing air, you break apart. You lean your forehead against his, and the smile on your face is still going strong.

“You know, we’re going to have to now tell everyone that they were right about us.”

He laughs, “Yeah, and they’re never going to shut up about it!”

“They better give us half of the money from their bets.”

“Ugh, Jack’s going to be so annoying when we tell him.”

You nod, “Yeah, maybe we tell him last so that he is a little bit less annoying about it.”

“Doesn’t matter, he’ll have an ego no matter what,” he says. “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much too,” you say, running your fingers through his hair.

“I’m glad, now come on, I’m exhausted after this long night. I’ve been dying to cuddle with you.”

“And you wonder why everyone thought we were together.” You say as he leads you to the bed.

You knew that all you ever needed was each other. You were his person and Luke was your person. It may have taken a while to realize it, but you wouldn’t change it for the world.

[numinously-yours]

Pick a card: From your Soulmate

Happy Friday! Today's reading is a soulmate reading. Your reading includes: Characteristics of your soulmate & a note from them <3

Pile 1: Ace of Pentacles

I’ve been kicked down in life, but each time I get back up the light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter. I have been trying hard to trust in the universe because I know it’s bringing me everything I could want – and that’s you. You are such a compassionate, beautiful, smart, and wonderful person pile 1. You know how they say to never stop dating the person you’re with? That is my plan with you – to woo you forever. You deserve to be wined and dined. I hope to show you each day how much you mean to me. I’ll bring you flowers. I’ll give you shoulder rubs. I’ll tell you silly jokes just to make you laugh. I will spend our time together making sure you never feel unloved. You are my manifestation and I can’t wait to be with you.

Pile 2: The Lovers

Your love is a breath of fresh air. Being with you brings me mental clarity. It makes me understand that the way I’ve been treated in relationships up until now were not an accurate representation of a healthy relationship. Gosh, it is so refreshing! You may find when we begin our relationship that I am hesitant to make big decisions. Because you are showing me something I’ve never known before, it is going to take a little time for me to be convinced that you’re not going away. But let me tell you, once I am shown time and time again that you show up, it is game over (in the best way). The way that we align will take away all the doubts I’ve ever had about love. And I won’t be able to thank you enough.

Pile 3: The Hanged Man

A lot of my life has been about competition; mainly, competition with myself. I have a need to prove myself. I want to be the best at what I do. And I know that that mindset isn’t always the most productive. With you in my life, soulmate, I am reminded to pause. I am reminded that there are more perspectives out there from my own and that I’m allowed to let go of what I think SHOULD be to open room for what IS. You’re really going to allow me to look at my shadow self and understand why I have this need to be better than the previous version of me. You’re going to help me see the restraints that I’m binding myself with. My competitive nature will always be a part of me but I’m looking forward to the time in my life where I can experience joy just being who I am, where I don’t feel like I need to be constantly winning. My life with you is the ultimate prize.

Pile 4: Two of Cups

I’ve held myself back for much of my life with the fear that I don’t have the tools to succeed. I always think that if I just had that one thing – more money, more confidence, more time – that then I can take the plunge. At times, I also find myself wanting to do everything for everyone. If I put effort into one thing, I feel like I am neglecting the other, and then I stop doing either. I want to be the best RIGHT NOW, no matter how unrealistic. And then you came into the picture. My inspiration, my muse, my reminder that each day is a clean slate. Not only do I know we will grow together, but I know that I will grow personally because of you. You never fail to encourage me to follow my dreams. You have a way of reminding me that, even if I “fail”, I can always get something out of a situation which means I didn’t fail at all. I really hope I can do the same thing for you because you deserve the same, if not more, of the energy you give to me.

[adventuringblind]

hi!! could you possibly to a max x reader where the reader is mostly blind ( like the one with charles) because of a major traumatic incident when she was a kid and it starts off with max hating her and vice versa but then they fall in love, if she’s best friends with lando, alex and yuki that would be great too! (maybe max got jealous over something and that’s why he hates her?)

thank you!!💕

Passenger Side

Max Verstappen x reader

Genre: The beginning is a little sad and angsty, but the rest is fluff

Request: yes! I had fun writing this one because the reader is kind of sassy. I'm open for Charles, Max, Daniel, Lando, Oscar, and George.

Summary: Max hated her. Couldn't stand seeing her hanging off the guys in the paddock. Until he finds out the truth and it changes his entire perspective

Warnings: car accident, injury descriptions, Max is oblivious, Jos and his behaviors are mentioned

Notes: Third-person perspective. Please remember that blindness is a spectrum and can happen for many reasons. I am blind myself. If anyone has any questions and would like to know more, my inbox is open :)

Masterlist

If he was truly honest with himself, he couldn't come up with a legitimate reason for hating her.

She's kind, smart, gorgeous, and her smile lights up the room. Yet every time he was around her, he couldn't muster up any sort of courage to talk to her.

She was always hanging around Lando, Charles, Alex, and George. The four had almost dragged him to hang out with her, but he couldn't do it.

She was always hanging off their arms. It seemed to be flirtatious to him. Maybe that's what annoyed him.

She's clumsy, touchy, and never goes anywhere on her own. Was he jealous? Probably. But he wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

She seemed to run into things far too often for it to be a coincidence. Maybe it was her way it flirting. If that's the, he was better of staying away. He'd never been one to find that attractive.

She wears sunglasses almost every time he sees her. Unless they’re inside in a darker space.

He didn't understand her, and yet he constantly felt intrigued to know more.

It was an off day in the summer. Max and Lando were doing some sim racing together when the topic of the girl came up.

"I see you make eyes at her all the time. Would it kill you to say hi?"

Max nearly winced. Grateful this wasn't a stream or his strange infatuation and simultaneous dislike if this girl would be found out. "She's just so strange." Was all he could come up with on the spot.

The Brit laughed at him. "Strange? How so? Explain to me how she is stranger then you."

"She runs into everything constantly."

Lando only laughed harder.

"She's always clinging onto someone's arm."

His laughing was irritating him now.

"and she always wears those stupid sunglasses- Why are you laughing so hard?!" Max shouted into his headset.

Lando could hardly breathe. He was laughing so hard. His mouth is not able to form coherent words.

"Mate!- she's blind!" He finally managed, trying to get air back into his lungs.

"She's what?"

"She can't see. Well, she can a little bit, but barely anything really."

Max's entire facade fell apart right before him. Like a tarp being pulled out from underneath his mental walls.

Every reason he found not to like her is because she's blind.

Lando took pity on Max. Obviously, he's clueless. Now is his chance to be the best wingman Max never asked for.

~

The next GP was too hectic for Max. Mostly because he was finding every reason to avoid Lando. The boy finding it neccecary to make him meet her.

Max felt like a ninja. Marketing though he'd been replaced. Christian was confused at why Max kept hiding behind the cars. His PR manager was convinced he'd contracted a virus. Everyone was confused.

Lando, on the other hand, was not. He knew exactly what was going on.

"I don't understand why we're by the redbull garage." She asked him. The female holding his bicep loosely to let him effectively guide her.

"We're waiting for Max. I have something for him." Little she know it was her.

"And you felt the need to drag me all the way over here for this? Yuki was showing off somthing he cooked." She exaggerated a frown.

"Relax, you'll get to eat his food again."

"I may not be able to see very well, but I can hear your eye roll." Then the two started giggling.

Max had popped around the corner to see the two distracted. He decided to risk getting into his driver room. Darting speedily around the objects.

"Max!" Lando's voice made Max freeze. Grimacing at the thought of having to deal with whatever Lando was planning.

He made his way over to the pair. "What brings you over?" He tried to ask cheerily, but it came out more broken than anything.

He felt nervous. But why?

"I'm delivering a note from Daniel." Lando's cheeky smile did not go unnoticed by the Dutch. His hands dramatically search his pockets. "Damn, I think it fell out while I was changing."

Lando taps the arm of the girl holding onto him. "Are you okay waiting with Max while I go and get it?"

She nodded her head and smiled understandingly at her friend. Lando stands directly in front of Max, removes her hand from his arm, and places it on Max's.

"I'll be right back!" He yells while jogging back the direction of the McLaren paddock.

"Sorry about this. I understand if you're busy. You can point me in the direction of the nearest fence, and I'm sure I'll manage just fine." She smiled again reassuringly. She sensed his unease the moment her hand made sontact with him and his muscles tensed.

"No, it's alright, I was just going to hide somewhere." He confessed.

"Understandable. People tend to be nosy." They were walking now. Max is trying to get her out of the middle of the walkway. Trying and sort of failing.

He could hear her feet tapping the ground at each step. Humming every occasionally to herself.

"I'm Y/N, by the way."

"Max."

"You can ask if you want."

Max was taken off guard by the question. So much so that he almost ran himself into the approaching wall. "Ask you about what."

She laughed and put a hand on the cold metal of the garage. Now facing Max without him having help her. His confusion about her growing g steadily. "About my eyes."

She was still wearing her sunglasses. Despite the overcast weather. He wanted to see her eyes. He read people through their eyes. It's how he could tell what kind of mood his dad was in.

Then it hit him. That's why he'd hated her. He couldn't read her because he couldn't see her eyes. In a way, he was blind to how she was feeling and reacting to things.

"Can I see your eyes?" It was almost a whisper. His tapping his things in anxiousness.

"It's kind gross, but sure." She slowly removed the glassed and lifted her head upwards. His gaze memorizing eyes aspect he could.

One of her eyes was glassed over by a mix of yellow and red. The pupil is a shade of cream white. The other was clear aside from the pupil looking mildly foggy.

She didn't tell him the story that day. Mainly because Lando had come running back, a piece of paper clutched in his hands. "I'm back!" They heard him yell in the distance.

"Let me take you on a date." The words fell out faster than his brain could prosccess what he was saying.

"Sure."

~

Max still laughed at himself for falling for Lando's master plan. Though he kept the blank piece of paper in his pocket as a reminder of what his friend did to get him here.

The two had been on a handfull of now. It was fun exploring different areas with her on his arm.

The boys who had been guiding her for years now made sure he was properly trained. Three of them were getting protective of their visually compromised friend, unlike Lando, who was squealing about how cute they looked every chance he got.

Now it was winter break. Max had invited her to stay with him in Monaco. An invitation she graciously accepted.

She'd yet to tell him about her story. The traumatic and sudden loss of her vision.

Max had only asked once. When she told him it was hard to talk about, he respected that she would tell him in her own time.

That time was coming sooner than she planned.

Max wasn't able to get her from the airport. But Alex had been on his way to spend time with Lando, so he'd offered to be her traveling partner.

It had gone well. The plane ride was smooth. The night traffic made the car ride easy.

When the light turned green at the intersection, the last thing either was expecting was to be t-boned by a drunk driver.

~

Max thought she wasn't coming. He'd tried texting her but received no response. Even Alex wasn't picking up the phone.

She'd texted him that she was safe on the ground and would be there soon. That was three hours ago.

He was starting to worry. Panic even.

So he did the next logical move and called Lando. Praying that his friend had heard something.

It didn't take long for him to answer the phone. "I was just about to call you." Max hadn't heard Lando's voice quite so frantic in a while.

"What going on?"

"There was an accident. They're both at the hospital."

~

Max was driving as fast a caution would let him. He agreed he'd meet Lando there. Both of them hoping to see their friends safe and breathing.

Lando was waiting for him out front. He didn't want to face either of them alone. Unsure the correct way to act in this situation.

The next thing they knew, a nurse was leading them back to where their friends were.

Alex was upright and attentive. Stitches lined a few places on his face. doctors are doing a few tests to make sure there's no internal damage.

Y/N was unconscious, but the moniter tracking her heart was beeping steadily.

Max was at her side instantly. Assessing the damage he could see. The nurse followed him in. Getting a few vitals from the sleeping figure.

"She has a concussion and a few broken ribs, but she'll be fine." The nurse smiled reassuringly at him.

"Why's she unconscious then?" He'd finally gotten to understand her. He didn't want to lose that yet.

"Every time she woke up, she started panicking and hyperventilating. The doctors felt it best to put her under and let her rest." Then the nurse left him alone woth her.

Later, Max, Lando, and Alex were discussing it. Alex had been discharged and could leave whenever he wanted, but the three felt the need to stay until she woke up.

"The truck hit the passenger side of our car. That's probably why she was panicking." Alex pointed at making Lando nod in agreement.

Max's confusion was visible on his face. "Wait, has she not told you?" Asked Lando."

"Told me what?"

"How she lost her vision."

~

The two boys had refused to tell Max the story. Claiming it wasn't their place. Max respected that, but he was growing more and more curious.

Lando and Alex had left him an hour ago. Alex was exhausted and in need of a new shirt. The one he was wearing now stained with the excess blood from his head wounds.

When she woke up, the heart moniter started to beep faster. Alerting Max that something was wrong.

He gently grabbed her hand and placed it on his arm. Leaning over the bed so he could talk quietly.

It was odd how her hand on his arm had become a comfort for him. He wasn't sure if it was for hers, but he was panicking and needed to do something before she could hyperventilate again.

"It's okay, you're safe now." He soothes. His free hand now stroking the top of her head.

Her breathing calmed down at hearing his voice. "Is Alex okay?" She rasped. Her throat dry from her previous panicked shouts.

"Yeah, he went with Lando. He texted, saying he was safe at his apartment."

It was quiet for a moment before he heard her sigh. "I need to tell you what happened."

Max just shook his head to show he was listening. Grimacing at the horrific details she recounted to him.

There had been a massive crash. Six cars were involved. Her family had been innocent. Yet they suffered the most.

Their family car had landed on its side. Two cars landing on top of it. One crushed the front with the impact, killing both her parents. The other landed over the top of her. Oil leaked out from the bottom of the car, finding its way through broken glass of her mirror. The strong, smelling liquid getting in her eyes.

She screamed, trying to wipe it away as it burned her. Only to push it farther in and make it worse. She had been on the passenger side that day. Waiting thirty minutes for them to get her out safely.

She woke up alone in the hospital. Her parents and vision both gone.

Lando and her hand been friends. So she went to stay with their family. His parents let her into their home like she was their own.

When the car crashed into the passenger side, she was transported back into that moment.

Now she's here, with Max, his voice pulling her into a sense of security.

~

It didn't take long for her to be discharged after that. Max sent a quick message they the two were back at his apartment.

Max Verstappen embraced the girl he once hated. His lack of understanding eating away at his pride. But he understood now.

"I'm sorry about everything you've had to go through. I can't change the past, but I can be here for you in the future." He leaned his forehead against hers. The innocent affection communicating everything.

He knew how she was feeling through other signals. When blotchy tears rolled down her cheeks, he could feel every emotion rolling through her body. Finally able to get closure on what had happened so long ago.

"I love you, even if you can hardly see me, I love you."

[bless-my-demons]

Redamancy: Chapter Twelve

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: None

Notes: I’m thinking one more chapter and then we dive into New Moon? Lordy, prepare yourselves for the angst in the stuff I’ve prepped lol

Word Count: 1400

Series Masterlist

• March 19th, 2005 • Hospital - Phoenix, AZ •

Jasper

Pulling into a parking spot in the Hospital’s adjoined parking garage, I let out the breath I’d been holding since dropping Y/n’s mom off at the airport and let my head fall back on the headrest. In the last week I’ve never been more scared, worried, keyed up than I have ever been in my immortal life.

Y/n and Isabella managed to slip past Alice and I at the hotel on some half-assed rescue mission… I promised Edward I’d protect Bella and I didn’t, now she has a broken leg and was almost on her way to turning into one of us. With as much experience as I have in war, keeping an eye on two teenage girls is a challenge? I nearly crush the keys to Carlisle’s car in my hand, the plastic groaning in protest.

I could’ve lost her.

The realization hurts and angers me all at the same time. Not only do I need to watch myself around humans, but I also have a singer, someone I’m falling hopelessly in love with and I feel so-so out of control. I can’t protect her at every twist and turn and it’s eating me alive. She’s human and frail, not meant for my world and yet she’s been sucked into it because of me.

I exit the car and find my way back to Y/n’s room before visitation hours end. My thoughts are a mess until I step in her room and her scent washes over me, scorching - but soothing. Soothing because she’s still here, she’s breathing and her monitor is still beeping.

I take up my post in the chair in the corner even though I know she’d prefer me at her side. From here I can still watch her while I get a grip on my raging emotions and the thirst licking flames down my throat.

She has less wires and tubes today, preparing for discharge in a day or two. After finally waking this morning, she managed to convince her mom she was fine enough to leave her here under Carlisle and I’s watchful eye with the promise to constantly keep her updated. I could feel her mother’s torn emotions - sadness with a twinge of anguish because she had to get back to work, but strangely enough - relief when she assessed me before making her decision to go home. Nevertheless, I reassured her that I would drive her daughter back carefully while using my ability to ease the anxiety that bubbled up.

Y/n’s breathing sped up slightly signaling that she was waking from her nap, so I sat up straight in my chair.

“Jaz?” Her quiet voice croaked out.

“Still here, darlin’. I just dropped your mom off at the airport.” Standing, I quietly roll her bedside table closer that has her cup of water.

“Jasper?” She asks again after a sip.

“Yes, sweetheart?” I respond, pulling my chair closer to the bed while keeping my eyes down.

“Look at me, please?” The soft plea almost tears my heart in two and my eyes snap to her bruised face. “Talk to me?”

“We can talk once you’re discharged-“

“No, this clearly needs to happen now.” So demanding, even lying in a hospital bed.

“You could’ve died-“

“But I didn’t-“

“Don’t even start with that.” My tone comes out a little harsher than I intended and I squeeze my eyes shut as I sit, pushing my hands through my hair as my elbows rest on my knees. “If Alice wasn’t watching, if I didn’t have a clue as to where you and Bella went…” My eyes scan the room for something to focus on, but I settle on her face, “If I was a fraction too slow getting to you, you could be dead - both of you.”

“I knew you’d come for me, Jasper.”

“You don’t get to make decisions like that when I’m supposed to be protecting you, Y/n. You don’t get it.” I stress, grabbing the hand not hooked up to an IV and cradling it in mine. “We’re in a hospital right now and you have broken bones. You were in a coma.” I want to yell my frustration suddenly.

“What don’t I get?” She asks.

“What?”

“You said I don’t get it, what don’t I get?”

“You… you’re everything to me.” I whisper as I run a finger gently down her bruised cheek, the swelling around her eye having gone down slightly.

Reader

I’m not entirely sure I heard him correctly. You’re everything to me. He said it like it was obvious, inevitable, easy.

“You-you can’t mean that.” I glance to my lap and pick at the coarse hospital blanket as my nerves get the better of me.

“Darlin’, I wouldn’t be here worried out of my mind if I didn’t.” His icy fingers tilt my chin up to meet his dark eyes. “You… you test me in every conceivable way and I can’t get enough.”

My throat closes up and I fumble for a response, “Jasper-”

“Don’t do that to me again, don’t run away from me like you can’t ask me for anything. Your safety is paramount and I don’t ever want to feel that helpless again.” His hand cradles the back of my head like it’s the finest piece of glass and my heart is ready to burst.

Just when I feel on the verge of a heart attack from his words, my nurse barges through my door.

“Is everything-“ but she stops short and smiles knowingly at Jasper perched on the edge of my bed, “Try to keep her heart rate down? You had me worried it was something much worse.”

I finally notice the quick beeping of my heart rate monitor and I swear, I could pass away right here from embarrassment. And if that weren’t enough, my nurse winks at Jasper as he replies “Yes ma’am.” with a sneaky grin to her on her way out.

I’m tempted to smack his arm for teasing me, but decide against it since it’s still tender from being sprained.

“You’re worse than my mom.” I grumble, trying to fold my arms while still attached to wires and an IV line.

“Oh sweetheart, don’t go comparing me to your mother.” Smiling to himself, he settles back into his chair as we wait for my evening round of medication.

He’ll be the death of me, my new mantra.

• March 20th, 2005 • Hospital - Phoenix, AZ •

Reader

Discharge papers are signed, I’m dressed in new clothes Alice left for me, and I’m currently being wheeled to the exit by a nurse who adamantly refused to just let me walk out of here on my own. Thankfully Jasper isn’t here to witness this and is instead pulling the car around to the door with an overhang, conveniently providing him cover from the rising desert sun.

The heat is a dry blast to the face once the automatic doors slide open as I’m wheeled to the curb and I’m thankful Alice picked a light sundress. The thoughtfulness in her supernatural ability is just another reason to love her.

My nurse helps me stand as Jasper parks in front of us and jogs to my side. I catch him doing a double take as I turn to thank my nurse and grab the last of my things from her. I feel his eyes roam over me as I climb in the car and sure enough, once I sit and turn to him, I can tell he has thoughts he’s hesitating with.

Gently shutting my door, he returns to the driver’s seat and steers the car through the crowded parking lot.

“You look nice, darlin’.” He says, glancing at me momentarily.

“For someone this banged up?” I’m still sporting a bruise under my eye and a wrap on my injured wrist. My ribs have been protesting all the movement I’ve done since getting out of bed this morning.

“Even banged up you’re still gorgeous.” His compliment is quiet, but the words are echoing in my head and ratcheting my heart rate up yet again.

And I swear I hear him mutter through his teeth as I watch his fingers tighten on the steering wheel, “This is going to be a long car ride.”

Next

[boyfhee]

⌕ TAKE TWO ━━ 21 : how are you so sure

PRECIS. while riki constantly assured you that him being an idol under a different label wouldn't be an issue in your relationship, you start getting second thoughts when fans start shipping him with his co-mc at music bank.

w : angst ( 1.7k )

note : haha enjoy my slayers. can u tell i didn't want to write this?

you and riki are at the bakery again, and this time, it doesn’t feel like a place you used to like ever since you moved to korea. the walls look as if they’re ready to cave in any second, and you’re here suffocating in the silence. 

“you can order something if you want,” he says finally, and they’re not the words you came here for. you’ve been waiting for this moment of truth for weeks and right now, riki can’t even look in your eyes while speaking. 

“if you’re worried about me, it’s fi—” 

“riki,” you sigh, half annoyed. procrastination isn’t what you’re looking for right now. “just tell me,” and you know the two of you have wasted enough time, which hasn’t resulted in anything better. if avoiding the truth had been beneficial, you would’ve won this game long ago. 

“well, what do you want me to tell?” you hate the confidence in his voice. it scares you. his voice is faint but oddly stern, as if he’s scared but not of the truth, not of whatever consequences his actions could bring, but instead, he’s scared of what’s going inside your head. you’re unpredictable, riki never had the luxury of reading you like an open book. it eats him inside out to not know what you’re thinking. the fear that has been replicating inside the marrow of his bone is now diffusing into the blood.  

but the stern look on his face still makes you uneasy. it makes him look right, and that certainly puts you in the wrong. 

“the date with miya?” you say nonchalantly. 

and riki sends you a look of confusion. “what date?” 

“i’m here to hear things from your mouth, riki,” you lean back on the chair, letting your pride play its part. “if i had to answer the questions myself, i wouldn’t have come here,” 

“yeah, well, you are hearing it from me; i don’t know what you’re talking about,” there’s a hint of annoyance in his voice, a pinch of unawareness. and then his mind goes back to the day you saw him at the bakery with miya, and suddenly things start falling into place. “i went to the bakery because she asked to see me. she said she would deny the dating statement and wanted to meet,” 

your hands are getting colder. your face is turning paler, you could feel your heart aching, afraid it would stop beating any minute soon. 

“and the texts about being at the gym?” you hesitate, a little unsure if you really want the answer to that question. 

“i never sent them,” and it’s a response that shows you the depths of the mistakes that you’ve made out of impulse and assumptions. “i went to see miya, to try to convince her to deny the rumours. i went to pay and left my phone on the table. i don’t know how she knew the passcode,” 

“by the time i could explain things to you, i realised it was too late. so, i decided to handle everything on my own,” his first mistake, he registered it in his head. “when i found out what she was doing, i stopped talking to her,”

it honestly didn’t make sense to him. it would be a lie to say riki didn’t trust miya. she was nice, friendly, welcoming, and treated him well. he had hoped for days the three of you would hang out together, but he never understood why you never liked her, or why no one from enhypen ever liked her. it never made sense while he had time in his hands, and when he saw the clearer picture, riki realised that the time had already slipped through the cracks of his hands. 

“i—” as for you, you were busy fighting your own demons. “you could’ve told me, ‘ki,” now that you know the truth, how were you supposed to live on knowing he never did anything wrong? 

how were you going to move on knowing you doubted him for things he didn’t do?

“i know,” 

“then, why didn’t you?”you notice the way his eyes widen in disbelief when you raise your voice. “you knew things were getting out of hand yet and you still didn’t try to explain it to me. i don’t know what to make out of this,”  

“i didn’t try to explain, and you? were you willing to listen, yn?” and now, he was raising his voice. you didn’t mind, it made the two of you equal. you like the sound of that, being equal and being equally responsible. “did you not outright ignore me everytime i told you that we needed to talk?” 

“don’t put this on me,” 

“you talk about all of our problems with jungwon and jay and everyone else, but me. you could’ve texted me instead of jungwon every time you had doubts, but you didn’t.” you want to talk back, your first instinct is to prove him wrong, but can you really? 

and, how were you going to live knowing you made the same mistake that you’ve been hoping he wouldn’t make?

the truth can be avoided but only for so long. somewhere inside, you knew talking to riki would solve every problem the two of you were having, but insecurities got the best of you, and you were never the bravest one in the crowd. confrontations were scary, you had jungwon. it seemed like the perfect excuse to not talk to riki and solve things on your own.

“did you do it?” but maybe, it was time for you to ask the questions that have been cluttering your mind for quite a few days now. 

“do what?” 

“i don’t want to say it,” a pause, and then : “you know what i’m talking about,” maybe, it’s your way of making yourself feel better. your version of ignorance and avoiding problems. while you’re sitting here with every possibility in your hand pointing against the assumptions you had made about riki, a part of you tells you that your instincts were never all wrong. 

“yn,” he whispers in disbelief. 

“just answer me riki, did you date miya behind my back or not?” and riki doesn’t know but it hurts you more to have this conversation with him. 

riki couldn’t believe your words for a brief moment. maybe, he’s hearing things, perhaps it’s the lack of sleep getting to him. sure, his relationship was on the verge of tearing apart, but never in his nightmares did he even expect to see a day where you would ask this question. you had the right, of course, he knew you had your doubts. he knew a day like this would come, but hearing you say it feels like taking a dagger to his heart. “i didn’t, god, i can’t even think of doing that, not even in my dreams, never.” 

“how are you so sure?”

“because i love you,” he doesn’t wait a second before answering. “you’re the one i’m in love with and i can’t picture myself with someone else,” for some reason, you don’t know, his words don’t feel genuine anymore. you remember all the times he has told you the same words and the effect they had on you. you remember the nights you couldn’t sleep after reading the sweet nothing he sent you over text, the days you were out of your mind because of him. that is the kind of love you have experienced. so, anything less doesn’t feel real. words that don’t make you feel the same way don’t sound genuine anymore. 

you take your time. a minute, another, and then another, and with every second passing in silence, it gets harder for him to breathe. you think it’s fine, you’ve been through this and you know he has too. had it been some other day, you would’ve trusted his words. if he had said it to you anytime sooner, you would’ve believed him. you think you still do, just not enough, not the way you would’ve if he had told those words before the very moment you were drowning in. 

“i trust you,” a despairing sigh leaves your mouth. “i think i do,” 

“are we okay?” and his words are full of hope. 

“i don’t know,” it’s a clear-cut reply, no doubts, no questions. you aren’t certain of anything at this point. you see blue, fear creeping on your skin, finger tips dripping with guilt. there’s a question you’ve been wearing on your sleeves for months now. “riki, was there a point when you had feelings for miya?” 

“what are you even—”

“yes or no?” you are sort of hoping he’d say yes. it would make the two of you equally responsible if your relationship falls apart, but that would be worse. you don’t think you can handle hearing that, because right now, you’re holding back your tears, the look in his eyes resembles a certain emotion. it’s guilt, and in his silence, you get your answer. 

you aren’t in the right here. you’re not the only victim. the damages incurred are for both of you to handle, the responsibility is shared, but it feels like you’re paying a higher cost, because now that you know riki had feelings for miya while dating you, everything feels like a lie. every word, every hug, every kiss, it reminds you of the mere possibility that he was thinking about her while making promises with you that he knew were supposed to be broken. 

the love he gave suddenly doesn’t feel like yours to keep anymore. and the thought of it is making you suffocate. 

and, you realise leaving is better for the both of you.

is this the end of you two? maybe, maybe not. you had imagined how it would be— tears, apologies, anger. not like this, not in confusion and regret, not with the fear of everything being a lie rotting your flesh inside. he cheated but he also didn’t, you cheated but without having feelings for jungwon.

so, you ask yourself again, is this really the end?

PREV | NEXT | MASTERLIST

[mischiefmaker615]

Loki request: Y/N convincing Loki to let her glam him up.

Get Seated

Note: didn't know this could turn out dirty but somehow it did LOL

Rating: R

‘’’pleasssssssse??’’

Loki sighed in frustration as he kept walking down the halls, trying to tune out his girlfriend that trailed along behind him in yet another attempt to have her way. ‘’despite the way I love to hear you beg darling, for the last time Y/N, I. don’t. want. too.’’

‘’but why not?’’ you pout as your legs try to keep up with his longer ones ‘’you looked so amazing at the gala, what’s a little extra?- annndd you don’t even have to go out after, I just want to see what the finishing result is..’’ you beg and nearly bump into him when he comes to a halt to steer back to look at you.

‘’your version of this activity normally is suites best for females.’’ He reminded and bent down so he was more eye level with you, making you bit your lip with a blush as his blue eyes hold your own. ‘’Y/N darling, from all the images you show me on your Midgardian device.. pinterester..or.. whatever the place is called- they are impressive, and the work you do on yourself in your free time makes you drop dead gorgeous all the more.. but face paint isn’t for me.’’

‘’its makeup, face paint makes it sound like its more for clowns.’’ You pout and straighten up to try to seem more in charge of this all but his smirk told you, you weren’t going to come close to his height but you decided to move on anyway. ‘’..its sometimes difficult to do certain styles and looks id like to try on myself because it depends on angles and whatnot- even the hairstyles can be tricky if I cant reach the back so seeing the finishing result on someone else gives me a good idea before I waste time on myself-‘’

Loki’s eyes were less than amused as you pretty much repeated your reasons from the fifth time this morning. He was just as stubborn as you were and depending on the situation really depended on who would win in the end. Seeing how he wasn’t going to budge, you sigh in defeat and look away from him, mischief hinting in your eyes as you were prepared to do something dangerous.

‘’fine then.. I guess I could ask someone else, but I need to work on long hair.. perhaps Thor would-‘’

A hand on your wrist cut you off as Loki raised your arm and backed you up, pinning your hand above your head as your back met the wall, your other hand resting on his chest automatically as his eyes were dangerously close to yours. There was a long pause, the only sound that came from you both were your breathing as his eyes slowly looked you over. You weren’t afraid, you knew your boyfriend had his jealous moments he needed to work on, and most of the time it ended in sex so you definitely weren’t complaining there. You felt his hand slowly release yours as both his hands came up to trap you against the hall, resting on either side of your head as you innocently look up at him.

‘’… fine. But I’m not going out in public in anything and you must abide by my condition.’’

You bit your lip nervously as you looked up at him, his hungry gaze having you squirm as you seemed to shrink from where you stood. ‘’.. what condition?’’

His smirk made you want to rethink the whole thing.

~~~

‘’y-you’re making it e-extremely difficult you know, gods forbid I poke your eye out.’’

You stammer as you try to apply once more the eye liner without getting distracted by his smug smirk, let alone his hands that caressed your thighs and hips, and his throbbing cock that twitched as he held you in place while you straddled his lap.

There was only a small argument where you had to convince him to let you style his hair in the bathroom before you both ‘get seated’, and luckily he obliged where you got to curl his beautiful black hair in loose curls. Of course he had to torture you for winning that battle where he would constantly make you rise and fall on his cock when you needed to switch out make up brushes and twitch whenever he saw a hint of your face getting ready to concentrate. Gods how could you love and hate someone at the same time sometimes..

‘’you’re the one who agreed to the deal my dear, its not my fault you have poor concentration.’’ He lightly mocked and you rethought of poking his eye out.

You decided to go with a gold and black look, using his fine cheekbones to your advantage to and almost forgot this look was suppose to be for yourself in the end.. but he worked it SO well! You went light, being a man you didn’t want him to look like he stepped out of drag, but even then you were proud of yourself as you managed to get the final touches done before you felt your orgasm knocking on your door.

‘’a-all done.’’ You breathed out, having a light sweat as you held back your pleasure to get the job done, knowing Loki knew if you were to come, he would instantly stop things to finish what you both have unintendedly started- or some of us anyway.

‘’alright darling, it didn’t take as long as I thought it would,’’

Bastard

‘’might you hand me the mirror?’’ he asked innocently, lifting you up and down agonizingly slowly to keep you on the brink of orgasm and your legs shivered at the sensation as you glanced to the nightstand where you had kept everything to work. Grabbing it, he kept the slow rhythm as you turned it for him and he moved his face to each side to see what you have done.

Knowing your boyfriend a bit by now, you could tell he was hiding a smile as he nodded with a hum ‘’I’m not saying we should go out darling, especially since I love the idea of remaining here for the rest of the day,’’ he smirked, twitching his cock in you that nearly made you drop the mirror ‘’but you have fine art skills love, with the suit I wore at the gala, it would be a fine look indeed’’ he smiled, pleased in more ways than one as you smiled triumphantly.

‘’so you really like it?’’

‘’I love it darling, and I know if it were on yourself, I’d ravish you all the more’’ he praised and rewarded you with a grind, your hands now gripping his shoulders but he stopped his movements just to tease and you pouted. ‘’of course darling, make up or no makeup, we both know how this usually ends..’’ he hinted with a husky tone as you fought his hands on your hips to try to grind but his grip held you in place.

‘’L-Loki..pleasssee…’’

Loki closed his eyes as he took a breath, his thumbs rubbing your bare skin in small circles before he raised his hips again into you.

‘’I so love it when you beg…’’

[greypetrel]

15 Lines of Dialogue

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

Tagged by @shivunin, thank you so much Mo! It's been so fun. Also a nightmare because I chose Aisling and my goodness someone make her shut up please. Referenced from Monster Fic (which is still getting views?? :"D Welp.), This one Radha fic , this prompt . Five minutes of silence for the one poop line that didn't make it to the final cut of this meme. Always remembered.

🦄✨ Aisling Lavellan ✨🦄

"We look like a swan and the ugly chick of a cuckoo.”

“I do. He’s just been mistreated. The Idiot started training him as a war horse, but it didn’t go well. He’s been beaten and whipped and given little food for too long, and relegated to do the work horse when he’s not. He just needs to learn that people can be trusted again, but he’ll be stronger and swifter than all the others, I’m sure.”

“Hey, I’m trying to stay in the role. I was told I’m a religious figure and I should behave! You’re ruining the mood, people need to think I’m the Herald of Andraste for real and that you can’t laugh! Stop, or I’ll have to sing a very lewd drinking song, you’ll laugh loudly, and they’ll all know!”

“I am aware I must sound like a child. But I believe people are good, deep down. And that everyone deserves a second chance.”

“In the case I’ll tragically fall to my death on horseback, I’ll leave a note to allow you to talk to my funeral and tell everyone that you told me so, is it all right?”

“The bad and the good, Cole. The good is better if there’s bad, like when it stops raining and the sun shines again, or when springs melts the snow and the flowers grow. But, humans can’t choose one, you know it. There must be snow and rain and thunder to make the flowers grow. I’m fine, don’t look at me. What do you want to do?”

“Honestly, I think all the time that you would have made a way better job as Inquisitor, if I hadn’t convinced the Keeper to send me and not you. You would have done a better job as First than I ever did, if… And I’m… I’m trying to prove that it’s not so, that I can be good too. Been doing it all my life, honestly.”

“Mh. I’m not really sure. Care to try again? For science?”

“You wished for a Cinderella, your Grace, but I am a bad one. You would know if you ever had paid more attention to anyone that’s not yourself.”

“But then, even if I feel nauseous and I hate everything and I would beg you to just take the title from me, I can’t take it, it’s too much and I’m just me… Then I remember that if I had run, I’d never met any of you, and you’ve all become family, and… And I do believe that we’re doing something good to the world. And that’s… That’s enough when the walls seems to loom upon me and I think that I can’t shoulder another impossible decision that shouldn’t be mine to take.”

“What if you explain and nothing changes? I know about loneliness, and of thinking you don’t deserve the love you get. You don’t have to face it alone.”

“I know. But I can still do some good, and the important people will remember me. I don’t care for the rest.”

“I’ve been alone ever since people started calling me the Herald of fucking Andraste, but I guess you wouldn’t understand being imposed by others a part that means nothing to you and you hate, right, Blackwall?”

“But if thinking he deserves another chance makes me a traitor, than be it. He’s more powerful than any of you realize. If you really think that hate and open hostility will ultimately save us all, I am glad to call myself a traitor and die as one.”

“No. You will let me finish. I know my shit, I am good at it, I am happy that you worry and care for me, really! I am and thank you for it, but this is getting ridiculous and I’m only doing worse because I’m stressed about you not trusting that I am competent and constantly watching me like… Like… Like a fucking vulture!”

Special mentions:

"Bad horsey!"

“Hey! I also have good days!”

Tagging: @ndostairlyrium @underneathestars @melisusthewee @rowanisawriter @pinayelf @zenstrike @inquisimer @heniareth and YOU!

[v-anrouge]

Addressing and apologizing for the mistreatment and harassment i caused for @twstchatterbox

Long post under cut.

i’ve recently reached out to someone i have hurt a lot continuously due to my own selfishness; Rubia. i’d like to apologize to her. to make things brief we dated a system's alters and would all talk to each other multiple times a day because of it. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day Rubia reached out to me with a text warning me about the fact she'd be taking a mental health break due to her social battery being low, of course seeing that my first thought was panic and that surely ive done something terrible, despite her attempts to assure me that it wasn't the case. i blocked her because seeing her hurt me, and i was convinced i was right in the situation, and that Rubia was some heartless monster. i have gone out of my way for about two years now to spread rumors about her, participated in a hate club, went out of my way to ruin her friendships and isolate her, I was ruining her social life and it made me happy. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore because this is all my fault and I was disgusting.

I know i already sent you an apology but ill gladly do it again, even if you do not forgive me, because it's a totally understandable thing to do. Back when this happened all i could think of was myself, how sad i was how hurt i was and looking back on it i really feel just disgusted with myself and how i dared play victim when your note clearly showed you were not okay mentally, instead of being a good friend and wishing you a good recovery, i immediately treated you like you had betrayed me and completely disregarded everything you told me in that note. None of what happened was your fault, clearly if i had been cut off it was because i was also doing damage, and instead of apologizing i decided to treat you rudely, and i really truly do regret my actions. It's even more disgusting to take in the fact i continuously painted you as a terrible person when i check the way i answered to you reaching out and trying to be friends again, instead of asking for an explanation instead.

In the server i was in had two people who also constantly insulted and painted Rubia as a monster, one of them being the person she considered her internet little sibling at the time; hikaru and the other one is our ex, which id rather not mention. In that server we'd constantly talk about Rubia in a negative way that only served to make us dehumanize her even more, it started at first with simple venting made by hikaru because of the way they felt betrayed and hurt by being abandoned when they genuinely considered themselves siblings, then i joined in where we'd blame and insult Rubia for cutting us off completely ignoring the reasoning behind her decision, the system, who created the server then joined in, at first only expressing how they felt rubia didn't see them as a system but rather just as the alter she dated, painting their relationship as abusive and saying Rubia was causing the alter to almost go dormant. with our constant slander i only started to hate and see rubia in an even more negative light, which only made the way i talked about her with my friends worse. In these almost two years, ive demonized rubia in many ways, all because i was desperate to seem valid, ive hurt her in ways i know i will never be able to make up for, and any backlash i receive for this is more than deserved. Im posting publicly with her permission and supervision both out of respect for her, but also so you all can see the type of person i am, you can all feel free to block me and cut me off if you see fit, it was my own actions that brought this after all. And to Rubia; i know no matter how many times i say this that it'll never fix the ways i hurt your social life, but im truly sorry, i hope that one day you're able to get help and heal from the damage i've caused.

[vaguekayla]

Dancing With Your Ghost • Eddie Munson

a/n: oh god, I haven’t actually written anything in years and the first thing I decide to tackle is Eddie Munson. I must be a glutton for punishment or something. Inspired by Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Alex Sloan. Dedicated to @buckysdollforlife because we are constantly sharing stories with each other so I thought why not share one of my own. Especially since you’re the biggest Eddie fan I know. Also dedicated to @luveline because June Baby melts my heart and gave me the Eddie bug. Seriously go check out her work. Pretty sure I gave myself more trauma with this shit, but whatever. They say in order to create art, you must be willing to bleed.

Updated author’s note: I wrote this almost two years ago completely forgot about it then remembered it only for my self doubt to keep me from posting, but here we are!

Summary: You grieve the loss of your boyfriend, Eddie Munson.

Trigger Warning: angst, character death, slight spoilers for season four maybe. (Let me know if I should add any others.) Not proofread.

Meeting Eddie Munson was something of a coincidence. It wasn’t planned nor was it something you ever contemplated.

The metalhead would one day tell you that he believed the two of you meeting was destiny.

By some happen stance, Dustin needed a ride from a Dungeons and Dragons campaign one night and though he had asked Steve, somehow it ended up being you to pick him up.

It wasn’t anything special about meeting Eddie that night. It was a pretty normal evening.

You were a little late picking up Dustin because it was such a sudden change of plans, so Eddie had waited outside the school with him until you got there.

Dustin introduced you to one another and you both exchanged a few words, but nothing worthy enough to take note of.

Your next ‘meeting’ of sorts is what really made you capture Eddie’s attention.

You really hadn’t planned on coming to Hawkins High on your lunch break just because Dustin forgot his English textbook. What could you say though? You’d grown attached to the kid in the last few years. Him and his friends.

You’d always help them out when they asked. Even when it was something as stupid as a forgotten schoolbook.

But this made three times this week.

After stopping by the office, you’d started to make your way to the cafeteria. You had graduated just last year, so it’s not like you didn’t know where everything was. The cafeteria was loud, not surprising, and you thanked every god you could think of that you were done with this hellhole.

Finding Dustin was easy. His curly hair was unmistakable and his laugh just called for attention.

Whatever he was saying to the group he ate lunch with was cut off by the slam of his textbook as you dropped it front of him over his head.

“You forget that thing any more this week, I’m gonna start charging a delivery fee,” your voice rang out behind him.

There was a teasing lilt to your words, but it didn’t erase the sheepish smile Dustin flashed your way as he turned to look at you.

“Sorry. I’ve just been super excited about this campaign that Eddie’s been telling us about all week and I keep forgetting to grab it. It won’t happen again,” the teen rushed out his apology.

He looked around at Lucas and Mike to back him up, all three rapidly nodding their heads to try and convince you.

You fondly rolled your eyes because you knew it would indeed happen again, but you didn’t really mind.

“So, you’re the reason I’ve been missing my lunch breaks all week, Munson?” an eyebrow rose in the direction of the group leader.

“What? No. I’m not responsible for—”

Eddie cut himself off as he noticed the amused look on your face, letting him know you weren’t actually mad.

The smile you had reflected on the metalhead’s face as he realized you were just teasing.

“What can I say? Storming the gates of Waterdeep is way more fun than reading ‘Hamlet’,” Eddie teased you with a self-satisfied smirk.

The rest of the table all nodded and murmured in agreement, the three youngest imploring you to understand with their pleading eyes.

“It’s fine,” you promised Dustin, assuring him you weren’t upset, “I’d just like to actually eat lunch on my lunch break.”

You exchanged a few more words with the table, being introduced to Gareth, Jeff, and another upper classman whose name you didn’t quite catch.

Checking your watch, you were about to say your goodbyes and go back to work, when you heard your name being called.

It took everything in you not to roll your eyes as you watched Jason Carver walk up to you. The smile on his face unsettled you in ways you couldn’t explain.

Jason had spent an entire school year trying to get you to go out with him before you graduated. You never agreed as there was just something about the guy that always rubbed you the wrong way. Hearing from Dustin and Mike that he and his friends had a habit of bullying their group didn’t help change your opinion about Jason. If you remembered correctly, he had been dating Chrissy Cunnigham since the summer.

That didn’t seem to stop him from making a point to come over and try to chat with you. Even if your break wasn’t coming to an end, you still wouldn’t stick around for that.

“Jason,” you greeted him politely, tense tone that the teen didn’t appear to pick up.

“Haven’t seen you since you graduated. How have you been?”

“Been fine. Working.”

You hoped short answers would be obvious enough to let on that you really didn’t want to talk. Apparently, you overestimated Jason’s intelligence because he just kept talking.

Being rude was something you hated, but you really did have to go.

“Look, this is… great,” you hesitated to use any positive word, “but I really have to get back to work. I just came to bring Dustin his textbook.”

It seemed Jason only just noticed by your words what table you were standing at. His friendly smile dropped as he looked from each table member then back to you.

Any normal person would have tried to be discreet with what was said next, but not Jason. No, never Jason.

Because Jason was a world class jackass.

“You know, I’m a little worried about you if these are the kinds of people you hang out with.”

“’These kinds of people’?” you questioned, brows furrowed.

You weren’t stupid. You had heard the stories from Mike and Dustin, but you wanted to know if Jason was really dumb enough to make this kind of a scene in a public school cafeteria.

Turns out he was. No surprise there.

“Freaks,” he answered as if it was obvious, no hesitation in his response.

If Jason noticed the way your jaw clenched, he didn’t say anything. Dustin noticed though because he subtly took hold of your hand closest to him in an attempt to keep you calm.

It wasn’t a secret you had a temper especially when provoked.

The gentle squeeze on your fingers from Dustin was enough to remind yourself not to let your anger get the best of you.

Eddie noticed your shift in attitude as well and was about to intervene when you spoke up.

“Jason, I know your pea sized brain can’t possibly comprehend this, but just because someone is different from you doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing,” you went to take a step forward, but Dustin’s grip held you back.

It was probably for the best anyway.

“I don’t know what the hell makes you think you have the right to judge people who aren’t like you and your brain-dead teammates, but nothing gives you the right to be an asshole to people you don’t even know.”

You hadn’t noticed but you had gained some attention from the other cafeteria goers with your small rant.

Maybe your words had stunned him or maybe he just wasn’t expecting you to say something like that, but Jason didn’t say anything for a moment.

When he finally did, it was the stupidest thing you had ever heard in your life.

“Girls shouldn’t curse.”

You rolled your eyes at his words. Out of all the things he could have said, it had to be something like that.

“Get fucked,” you immediately replied, before turning away from him and back to the table.

You softly pulled your hand from Dustin’s grasp as you looked down at him in his seat. He was hesitant to let go until you gave him a smile to assure him you were alright.

You murmured a quiet goodbye to the table, ruffling Mike’s hair affectionately.

“Don’t forget that book tomorrow,” you pointed a finger at Dustin with a smile before you left the cafeteria and the school.

You never noticed the look of awe that followed you from one Eddie Munson.

Meeting Eddie may have been a game of chance. Falling in love with him, on the other hand, seemed to be some divine decree. That’s what you both liked to think anyway.

“It’s written in the stars,” he would say.

There was no doubt in his mind that he was made to love you and you him.

Later in your relationship he would go on to tell you that he loved you ever since that day in the cafeteria. That he was so incredibly grateful that Dustin had forgotten his English book that day.

It just took him a while to actually get up the courage to ask you out on a date.

Technically, he never asked you. He had slipped you a note. Being Eddie, though, it wasn’t a normal note.

Going to drug dealers was not something you made a habit out of. We’re just going to make that clear right now.

Steve was throwing a small party and had wanted to add marijuana on top of the alcohol that he was going to have. The only problem was that the guy he normally bought from had moved away.

It was no secret that Eddie sold drugs. He brought the lunch box with him to school, for crying out loud.

Having developed a friendship with the metalhead, Steve had asked if you could buy from Eddie for the party and you didn’t exactly say ‘no’.

You didn’t mind, it just wasn’t something you had done a lot before.

Pulling up to the trailer Eddie lived in with his uncle was a familiar thing. You’d gone there with Eddie on nights that his band played, to watch movies together, just to hang out. You’ve been there many times.

Just not as one of Eddie’s customers.

It almost seemed to catch him off guard when he swung the door open and you told him the reason for your visit.

He was more than happy to sell to you though.

Only, as he was getting the weed ready for you, he seemed to be acting strange. Well, stranger than usual.

He appeared hesitant as he handed you the bag just as you held the money out to him.

“Thanks, Eddie. I really appreciate it,” you smiled at him.

“Yeah, of course. It’s no problem.”

“We’re still on for movie night tomorrow?”

“If you still want to, absolutely,” he nodded his head.

You gave him a slightly confused look, “Why wouldn’t I want to?”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders in response, and you wanted to ask him if something was wrong.

“Don’t you have a party to get to?” he changed the subject.

Glancing down at your watch, you realized you had been at his house a little longer than you intended.

“Yeah,” you agreed, slipping the bag in your back pocket and wrapping your arms around him in a hug.

His arms were quick to wrap around you and hug back, squeezing a little tighter than usual.

“Go on before you’re too late,” he smiled at you.

You made a mental note to ask about his odd behavior tomorrow.

“See you tomorrow night,” you promised him, slipping outside and heading to your car.

You took the bag of weed out of your pocket and tossed it in the passenger seat so you wouldn’t sit on it.

Just as you were about to crank the car, something caught your attention. You had to turn the map light on to see better.

‘Want to go out on a date?’

The words were inked in black marker onto the bag Eddie had just handed you.

It took your brain a minute to fully register the words. Your body was quick to move and you sprinted from the car, up the stairs, and started knocking furiously on the front door.

As soon as Eddie opened the door, you held the bag up for him to see. Your eyes held a silent question, ‘Do you mean it?’

His right hand came up to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly as he nodded his head, and you couldn’t help but admire the bats permanently etched onto his skin. You wanted to trace every bit of ink his skin held.

“Yes,” you suddenly broke the silence.

“Yeah?” he asked, checking to make sure he heard you correctly.

Your feet carried you through the threshold of the door to right in front of him, hands itching to take his.

“Yes,” you reaffirmed your answer.

The smile that he gave you right then and there would forever be one of your favorite memories.

Loving him came so natural to you that when you first entertained the notion, you were filled with both a sense of peace and terror.

Peace because being around him was so easy. He never made you feel like you had to put on a face or hide behind a mask like you did with so many others. It was a sentiment that he had shared with you one late night.

Terror because no one had ever made you feel the way he did. Eddie brought out a side of you that no other had. You had never loved anyone so passionately and deep as you had your beloved metalhead.

That’s why his death was so hard on you. Because you knew that you would never feel for anyone the way you did Eddie.

The days following his death were a mixture of emotions. Grief being obvious.

Some days you would rage at the universe. Cursing whatever higher power saw fit to put Eddie in your path and allow you to love him. Then you would break down into sobs of guilt for feeling even the slightest regret about any of your time with him. You understood that it was just another part of the grief. There wasn’t a moment you would trade and the regret you felt was for not having more time.

It just didn’t feel fair that the universe would give him to you and then allow him to die.

Allow him to be so cruelly taken from you.

The only positive thought was the picture you had in your head of his eternal afterlife.

You would never claim to be anything of an expert of the subject, but you liked to think he was doing whatever made him happy.

Performing his music. Playing Dungeons and Dragons. Idly strumming his beloved guitar on his bed while a joint of rolled up weed hung from his lips.

There were people you had lost before so you knew time had an effect on memories of loved ones no longer around.

Photographs allowed you to see the dearly departed but other things would fade from your mind.

Soon you would forget the sound of his voice. The way his laugh sounded. The look of excitement and pride every time he finally nailed a riff in a song that took him ages to get. The smell of his cologne and a musk that was just him, a faint smell of weed clinging to him. You always told him you didn’t need alcohol or drugs because his intoxicating scent was the best high you ever felt.

You never wanted anything about Eddie to fade as life went on, so you replayed ever memory you had of him every day.

It would never be the same though and there would never be a time where you didn’t miss him.

Your first kiss played in your mind on many occasions.

You were just hanging out like normal. Eddie had taken you out on your first date the night before. It wasn’t some grand first date, but it meant everything to you.

He had taken you out to eat some greasy food and then to some movie. You don’t remember what movie as neither of you had paid attention to it after the first fifteen minutes. You just stayed and sneakily threw popcorn at some fellow movie goers until you got kicked out by security.

Your hang out turned into a movie night which was meant to make up for the movie you both didn’t watch the previous night.

“You want to stay the night?” Eddie suddenly asked as the end credits from the second movie of the night started to roll.

“Mmhm.”

You nodded your head that rested against his shoulder, eyelids beginning to feel heavy. You didn’t want to go to sleep yet. The night was perfect, in your opinion, and you didn’t want it to end. It couldn’t if you just stayed awake.

Eddie must have noticed your struggle though.

One of his hands came up to brush against your cheek. You allowed yourself to lean into his touch in your sleepy state.

“Hey,” his voice murmured softly. “We can go to sleep now if you want.”

You looked up at him bleary-eyed, brain taking a moment to fully register what he had said.

“Are you sure? There’s still one more movie you wanted to watch,” you questioned.

A quiet chuckle slipped past his lips and you almost hated how easily he could make your heart flutter. Almost.

“Sweetheart, you can barely keep your eyes open. If I put the last movie in, you won’t make it through the previews,” he pointed out.

You wanted to object to his words, but a yawn interrupted you and just proved Eddie’s point. He raised his eyebrows at you as if to say, “I told you so”.

Nodding your head in agreement and a quiet ‘okay’, Eddie turned the television off and helped your tired form to your feet. He was kind enough to let you lean up against him as he walked you both back to his bedroom. Just as he was about to cross into his room, your voice stopped his feet’s movements.

“What was that?”

“Thank you, Eddie,” you repeated your words, face pressed into his neck.

He smiled down at you, “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

You made a move to press a kiss against his cheek, but your movement caught his attention and he turned his head to see what you were doing. Which caused your kiss to miss his cheek and land directly on his lips.

Whatever sleepiness you felt almost immediately disappeared as you jumped back like you’d been shocked. Both of you stared wide-eyed at each other.

“Sorry,” you began to profusely apologize, “I was just trying to—”

Eddie was quick to cut you off as one of his hands went around the back of your neck, the other cupping your cheek, and pulled you into a deep kiss.

Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair, pulling him closer while you kissed him back. He matched your passion by pulling you as close to him as physically possible. He held you like you’d slip away if he didn’t hold you tight enough.

In the future, you would always tell him that you adored when he held you like that. It made you feel so loved. He would then say that he would always love you like that. That he couldn’t imagine a time in his life when he wouldn’t be in love with you.

Nights tended to be the hardest. There were times where the mere thought of going to bed without him was too much to bear.

In those moments, you would pull on his jacket and wrap your arms around yourself. The record player would play the song you two always danced together to.

If you really tried, you could almost pretend he was holding you and swaying you both to the music.

He’d always do that when you had a bad day. Occasionally you could swear that you heard him whispering in your ear.

“It’s alright, sweetheart. I’m right here.”

He would say it to you so softly.

It was something that he said so often to you on your off days. Eddie always wanted you to know that whatever it was you were feeling, he wasn’t going anywhere.

That was when you were so cruelly reminded that his promise was one he hadn’t been able to keep.

You were only reminded that he wasn’t there anymore.

You were very good at reminding yourself of all the things you didn’t do or wouldn’t get to share with Eddie anymore. Perhaps it was the guilt you carried around with you at not doing something to help him.

It’s not like you could do anything. You weren’t even there when he died.

You had been with Robin, Nancy, and Steve at the time of your boyfriend’s tragic death.

It wasn’t your first decision, but Nancy had pointed out they could use all the help possible to kill Vecna. Eddie, while not liking the idea of you walking straight into Vecna’s base of operations, wasn’t very fond of you being in on the decoy for the demobats.

Damn bats.

You wished you had been there now.

Maybe you could have done something different. Something to hold the bats off long enough until it was over. Or maybe you could have done something to help Eddie until you all were able to get him to a hospital.

That wasn’t fair to yourself though and the brown eyed boy you love would tell you the same thing.

God, how you wanted to scream at him for being a hero. How you hated him for being so reckless and leaving you like he did.

But you didn’t hate him.

You couldn’t.

How could you hate him for being so selfless as to put his life in danger just to give you, Steve, Robin, and Nancy a few extra minutes?

Details would fade with time.

The cocky grin on his face when he thought he had someone beat in Dungeons and Dragons. The exact shade of brown of his eyes. How his finger’s felt when he lightly traced soft patterns into your skin. Even how your name sounded falling from his lips.

There was nothing you could do against the ravages of time. Everything fell victim by its cruel hands.

But you don’t think you would ever truly forget the boy who you fell so deeply in love with.

How could you ever forget him?

[compassionatereminders]

Hiii paranoid delusional anon. So— some examples;

- I have had constant reoccurring obsessive issues with thinking somebody is stalking me / stalking my socials and is going to try and become my friend to air my bad opinions out and get me canceled.

- for a solid. God. I don’t even know, literally years- I was CONVINCED I had a specific Illness despite no evidence and was constantly searching for evidence. The delusion only went away when I ACTUALLY got the Illness and was treated for it

- constantly freaked out thinking I have cancer. If a limb hurts for a few days, I genuinely start seriously stressing abt the logistics of trying to get evaluated for cancer.

- this only happened once but I had a massive breakdown once and thought there was cameras in my room. I also used to be very paranoid of my webcam

- I often think people are talking about me behind my back and constantly ruminate on this but honestly this is kind of normal on par with my BPD / normal anxiety I think ??

- on some socials , I have to change so much about myself out of the fear that I’ll be recognized as me and be outed for things I said on that social, that I go through the lengths of not just using a pseudonym but using different pronouns, using a different typing style and even talking about some media I don’t like to make things seem… not like me. So I can express myself properly without it being linked to me ..

- constantly have issues where I will think about death before bed OBSESSIVELY and am CONVINCED I will die in my sleep. Leads to many sleepless nights until I pass out from exhaustion and a lot of weird notes written for my family ‘incase I’m found in the morning’

- if anyone is walking behind me in public for . A little too long… I start seriously freaking out. Even on long single direction sidewalks. It honestly makes going outside a nightmare because I constantly feel like I’m being followed

- I can’t talk in public to my friends. The fact other people can hear what I say makes me feel insane in ways I can’t even describe it makes me so so scared. For them to hear private conversations and hear my thoughts on things without me being aware, it scares me so much.

All in all. Clearly this isn’t NORMAL but is this more.. extreme anxiety / agoraphobia or ??? And ontop of that. Does it mean anything that I can be aware something is UNLIKELY rationally but am still feeling all the Emotions as if it is 100% fact and will still like. Believe it? If that makes sense? Can you believe sometning while rationalizing it’s unlikely?? I always feel so aware of how ridiculous im being but there’s always the 1% chance and aaa it makes me feel crazy. Anyways thank you for any advice Kat

Whether it's mainly caused by OCD, a psychotic disorder or a personality disorder, I'd personally say that "delusions" are the right word for at least some of the above. It definitely isn't normal experiences.

[arielhopepeace]

Sorry this part took a bit! Been getting ready to move and now I’m sick lol 😭 but enjoy and check part 1 for more extensive TWs, please ❤️

TW: smut, dirty talk, talk of sexual trauma

18+ only

5,400 words

Part two

My leg bounces about anxiously beneath my desk, constantly checking and re-checking the clock in the bottom right hand corner of my computer screen. It's nearly five, and I'm more than ready to go home and enjoy my weekend. But as every day passes, I become more apprehensive about my date with Joel tomorrow.

Of course he was wonderful, kind, a damn good kisser, and hot beyond belief, but I'm still terrified. Without any sedative-like influence from the alcohol, I'm back to the withered shell of a woman I was when Joel walked into my office.

I can't believe I was fully prepared to sleep with him the other night. I had convinced myself that I was safe enough to do something like that with him, and I'm glad I didn't. What if I kiss Joel again and I panic? Or what if we're ever intimate and I panic? What will he do? Laugh in my face and continue anyway?

No, not Joel. He's too sweet for that, right?

Obviously my libido is calling the shots rather than my rational anxiety. It's been eight years since I've slept with anyone, and I'm jumping into this way too quickly for my liking. Am I crazy? Next time I'm with him, I'm not drinking any alcohol. I need to be myself and not a sedated, sex obsessed freak.

My eyes flutter closed, my lashes dancing against my cheeks as I recall Joel's hands on my body, and his soft, skilled lips against mine. Of course he was eager, he's a man. Is that why he fixed my washer? To get laid?

Part of me is tempted to go off on him for being such a disgusting pervert, but he hasn't done anything to me. My mind is fabricating all of these scenarios and reasons for his kindness when even I know it's probably out of character for Joel.

He's a single dad who lost his wife nine years ago, and who's devoted to his daughter who he's crazy about. Joel seems to be an incredible father. There's no way a man like that would ever try to hurt me, is there?

"Y/n?" I hear from my open office door.

"Yes?" My eyes snap up to see Cynthia, my secretary.

She smiles wide at me. "Are you done for the day?"

I gaze down to see that it's ten after five, meaning I've been sitting here spiraling over Joel for almost twenty minutes.

"Yes," I sigh with a smile. "More than done. I'm ready for the weekend."

Cynthia walks beside me as we leave the building, our cars being parked next to each other's outside.

"You have any exciting plans?" she asks with a large grin.

I decide to not tell her about Joel. "Nah, just me and my wine. You?"

"Ex-husband has the kids this weekend, so I'm probably going to be doing the same as you," she giggles. "Get home safely, y/n, okay?"

"Thanks, Cynthia. You too."

  When I get home, I see a lovely bouquet of flowers sitting on my doorstep along with a note. I beam as I unlock my front door, placing the flowers on the kitchen counter and fishing the little card out of the leaves.

Y/n

I'm excited for tomorrow night. I hope you enjoy these flowers as much as I enjoy your company.

Joel

My face aches as I hold the card to my chest, feeling like I'm in a movie or something. I read the note several times, my mouth curling up wider and wider every time. Who knew my cheeks could stretch this far?

I carry the flowers into my bedroom, setting them on the nightstand beside my bed with the card leaning against the pretty blue vase.

I immediately press on Joel's contact, hoping that he's done working for the day. With every ring of the line, my apprehension climbs, until I hear that low, inviting burr of Joel's voice.

"Hey, you," he says sweetly. "I'm assuming you got my gift."

My cheeks burn as I beam at the floor. "I did. Thank you. You didn't have to get me anything, you know."

Joel chuckles lightly. "I wanted to."

The line goes quiet for a moment before Joel speaks again.

"Can I be honest with you?" he asks.

My heart jumps into my throat. "Of course."

"I haven't stopped thinking about you, y/n."

"Same here, honestly," I laugh sheepishly. "I feel like I'm going crazy."

He laughs, the sound warming my chest. "You know, I haven't been on many dates since my wife passed. Maybe only two."

My brows raise in surprise. "Really? How come?"

"Never felt right."

I chew on my bottom lip nervously. "But it does with me?"

"Mhmm," he hums, "very right."

"I guess I should be honest with you too and tell you I haven't been with anyone in eight years."

"What?!" Joel chokes out. "Why? How?"

I swallow hard, shaking my head. "I'd rather talk about it in person. It's—awkward."

"You don't have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable, y/n. You never have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

My eyes feel misty at his comforting words, but my mind is screaming at me to keep my walls up. "Thanks, Joel."

"Of course, y/n. As I said, you shouldn't be thanking me for the bare minimum. I'm sorry for whatever guy made you think that's all that you deserve."

Deciding to change the subject before I panic, I quickly swallow my fear that's clawing its way up my throat. "Uh—what time should I meet you tomorrow? And where are we going?"

"I could pick you up, if you want. I'd like it to be a surprise." He audibly smiles in his words.

I can't help but giggle. "Okay, that's fine. Could at least tell me the attire?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Casual-slash-nice? I'll be wearing a button-down and some jeans. Nothing too fancy."

I nod my head, planning my outfit already. "That sounds good to me. What time will you be here?"

"Six-thirty okay with you?"

"That sounds perfect."

"I'll see you tomorrow then, y/n. I have to attempt to make a good dinner for Sarah and I. I told you I was a shit cook, but I do practice so that she's not eating crap food all the time."

I laugh, flopping onto my back on my bed. "You're a good dad, Joel."

"I do my best."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye, y/n."

We hang up, and I toss my phone to the side, staring at my ceiling.

Am I making the right choice by going out with him? I won't have any way of getting home if things go poorly, or if he switches and is no longer the man I'm assuming he is. What if he's exactly like...him? I hate saying his name, or even thinking it. Joel can't be evil like him, can he?

***

  I'm straightening out my powder blue sundress when there's a knock on my front door. My hands are shaky and I feel like my knees are going to buckle at any moment. Taking a steadying breath, I pull open the front door, revealing a stunning, handsome Joel before me.

He's donned in a black button-up as he said, and dark blue jeans with black dress shoes on his feet. His hair is lightly tamed with some gel, adding a bit of shine to the  deep brown strands.

I feel winded at his appearance, and I'm suddenly hoping he feels the same about me. I've done my makeup to the best of my ability, and even went the extra mile to straighten my hair. Even with my heels on, Joel is still taller than me, and I don't know why I enjoy that so much.

"Wow," he breathes out, still standing on my doorstep. "I can't believe you're my date tonight."

My heart soars as I blush, looking down to my floor to try to focus my gaze elsewhere. "Thank you. You look amazing, Joel."

He scoffs. "Next to you, I look like a bum."

I giggle, meeting his soft brown eyes and the straightness of his teeth. "Are you ready?"

Joel nods, reaching his hand out for mine. "If you are."

Tossing all of my anxiety and negative thoughts aside, I grab his hand, locking my front door behind me as he leads me to his truck. He opens the door for me and helps me in, his hand letting go once I'm settled in to the passenger seat.

My eyes follow him as he walks around the front, getting in beside me behind the steering wheel. We gaze at each other for a moment, my focus falling to his delicate lips that I've missed the feeling of, no matter how hard I've tried to deny that fact. I want to want him without feeling afraid, but I can't help it.

"Kiss me," I say gently.

Joel immediately leans forward with his hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into him firmly. His lips are so soft, and his tongue is back again in its eager, talented way. I can't help but moan, his tongue the match that struck across my body to wrap it in delicious flames.

He pulls away, both of us a bit winded from the kiss. "How the hell do you kiss like that if you haven't been with anyone in eight years?"

I giggle slightly as I shrug. "You're a good guide."

Joel chuckles and leans fully away, holding his hand out for me as he keeps the other on the steering wheel, pulling away from my house. I gently slide my fingers into his, feeling euphoric and safe in his truck with him.

Not seeing him for a few days has only made my attraction grow tremendously. How does he melt all of my fears away just by being around me? Nobody has ever done that for me before, or maybe I just never let anybody try. Why am I letting him in?

  We park in front of a swanky restaurant, one that I've always passed, but never eaten at. It's New Orleans style food served in a comfortable, yet classy environment. I've always wanted to try it, but it seemed odd to come here alone, even though that's what I prefer.

Joel holds my hand as we walk in, the host guiding us to a table once he tells her the name for our party. The air smells heavenly. It's like Cajun food and Texan food had a baby and this restaurant is the outcome. God bless whoever came up with this place.

The server orders our drinks, and I opt out of getting wine. Joel orders an appetizer for us, my eyes scanning the menu as he does.

"No wine?" he sneers playfully at me. "Thought you were a wine lover."

"I am," I laugh, "but I'd like to be more connected this time."

Joel nods. "That's why I didn't order any beer. I still have to drive you back home, too."

Against everything my brain is telling me, I reach beside me at the table and rub Joel's thigh gingerly. I keep my eyes on the menu, my hand shaking as I bring it to a stop against his pants.

Joel reaches down and grabs my hand, bringing it up to his lips and placing a gentle kiss against it. My gaze moves from the menu to his, seeing the slight concern etched into his face.

"Y/n," he says gently, "you're shaking again."

"I'm sorry," I say quickly. "I guess I'm nervous."

"About what?"

I shake my head. I can't tell him about my traumatic past on our first date, can I? He'll think I'm crazy and divulging way too much information for someone I barely know. It's not like me to open up, but I feel compelled to with him. I want him to know that it's not his fault that I'm so fucking terrified all the time.

"I don't know," I say softly. "I'm sorry."

Joel's brows knit together with worry. "Do you want me to take you home?"

God. That simple question has my anxiety skyrocketing down; that reassurance that if I need to leave at any given moment apparently being all I needed to calm down.

I give him a warm smile, leaning across the corner of the table to place a gentle kiss against his stubbly cheek. "No. I want to be here with you."

He beams at me, kissing my knuckles again. "You're not shaking anymore."

"I know," I beam, turning back to the menu. "Everything sounds so damn good. What are you thinking about getting?"

"Honestly the gumbo sounds amazing, and I've never had any."

"Ooo," I coo, nodding. "That does sound good."

  After our food is brought out, Joel takes a generous bite of his dish as I dig into mine. The flavor of everything bursts in my mouth, and I let out a moan of contentment. It's incredible, and I can't believe I've never eaten here before.

Joel holds out his spoon for me with his steaming food piled onto it. "You've gotta try this."

I lean forward and take the spoon between my lips, groaning with a nod as I enjoy the taste of his meal.

"God, that's amazing." I pierce my own food with my fork, holding it out for Joel. "Now try mine."

Watching his lips slide across my fork does something sinful to me, and I'm not entirely sure why.

"This might be the best food I've ever had," he beams.

"I can't believe you haven't eaten here before. This is my favorite restaurant."

"It felt weird to come here alone," I laugh, placing my fork down to sip my water.

Joel eyes me with a glimmer in his eye. "Well, now you don't have to."

My cheeks warm as I break the eye contact, unable to hold it any longer. Although his eyes are kind and gentle, there's something so intimidating about them. Maybe it's because I'm so attracted to him, but god I can't look into them for too long.

  We finish our meals and I go to pay, but Joel quickly grabs my card from me, slamming his down into the checkbook instead.

"Absolutely not," he shakes his head as we both laugh. "You can be a control freak all you want on your own time, but I'm paying for dinner tonight."

I giggle loudly, crossing my arms as I do my best to act offended. "Only I can call me a control freak."

He holds up his hands in defense. "I was only quoting you"

I playfully shove him, watching as the server walks away with the bill. "I want to pay for the next date."

Joel leans on the table on his elbows, handing me my card back. "Oh, there's going to be a next date?"

My eyes land on his, admiring the deep chocolate river that flows in them. "Yes."

"Maybe I like that you're a control freak," he beams, his eyes floating down to my lips. "It's charming."

"Charming?" I guffaw. "You don't think I'm crazy?"

"Of course not," he laughs. "Everyone has their quirks, and I want to learn all of yours."

My gaze softens. "Really?"

Joel nods. "Really."

  Back at my house, Joel walks me to the front door, giving me a long, lingering kiss before I unlock it.

"Would you like to come in?" I ask somewhat timidly.

He nods with a smile, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "We could watch a movie again, if you wanted."

I beam. "I'd like that a lot."

We enter my house, and I immediately kick off my heels, picking them up by the backs and carrying them into my bedroom. I put them away where they belong, checking my reflection in the mirror to make sure I'm tidy and presentable enough for Joel.

He stands near the couch, my eyes flicking down to his shoes. "You can take those off if you want."

Joel chuckles. "Do you not like shoes on in the house?"

I smirk, walking up beside him. "No, not really."

He laughs, bending down and slipping his shoes off to leave them by the front door near the little entrance carpet.

We sit on the couch, my thumb clicking on the remote to go to any streaming service.

"Do you have to be back to Sarah any time soon?" I ask, suddenly worrying that I'm taking up too much of his time.

"No," he smiles. "I told Mrs. Cheshire that it might be a late night. She knows I'm on a date."

Hearing him say that makes me beam vastly, gazing into his soft eyes. "Yeah, you are."

Joel chuckles, leaning in and placing a soft kiss to my cheek. "What do you want to watch?"

"Anything. How about I stop being a control freak and let you pick?"

He laughs, nodding as he takes the remote from me. "Any particular genre you like to avoid?"

"I'm good with anything, really." My eyes admire his beautiful profile. "You pick."

Joel ends up landing on a rom-com, making my lips tweak up as I giggle. He laughs with me, throwing his arm around my shoulders as I lean into his chest. He smells incredible; the scent warm and musky yet clean. I inhale him deeply, needing more of him.

My head turns up to face his, admiring the stubble along his jaw. Joel flicks his gaze down to look at me, giving me a gentle smile.

"What?" he asks quietly as the movie plays in the background.

"You're a handsome man, Joel."

He chuckles, shaking his head. "It blows my mind that you think that."

"You're delusional."

"No, you're just that beautiful."

My lips attach to his in an instant, a hungry, needy feeling washing over me. I'm consumed by my own greed to have him near, desperate to have him closer. I slip my tongue against his, savoring the taste of Cajun food and Joel.

His hands rest on my hips, gripping them tightly as he begins to push me back onto the couch. My head hits the cushion gently as our lips never part, the weight of him feeling—suffocating and overwhelming. The horrible thoughts begin to flood my mind, and I do my best to push them away. But Joel is on me, devouring my mouth and keeping his grip on my hips. I can't do it. It's too much.

"Joel," I breathe, my chest beginning to heave.

"Yes, y/n?" he rasps, his lips on my neck.

"No!" I shout, pushing at his shoulders roughly.

He immediately flies back, fear and confusion staining his wonderful, beautiful face. "Y/n, hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Before even realizing it, I'm crying and shaking, curling into myself on my cushion that I was just pressed against moments ago. I close my eyes, hoping that it'll vanish. Whether it's the thoughts or Joel, I don't care. I just need them to go away.

"Remember the breathing?" he says quietly, sounding so far away it's like I'm floating in space. "Breathe with me, y/n."

My hands are over my ears, and my eyes are squeezed shut. I slowly open them to look at Joel, watching his chest inflate and deflate slowly. I follow his rhythm, moving my hands slowly away from my head to hear his deep breaths. He encourages me, smiling gently with those soft eyes of his melting me.

His hand slowly reaches out to grab mine and I let him, watching as he places it against his heart. It's racing against my palm, but his breathing is easy and calm.

"Joel," I begin, but he shushes me gently.

"Just keep breathing for a minute. Follow mine."

We sit there gazing at each other, easily breathing in and out for a few minutes until both of our hearts are no longer pounding hard against our chests.

"I need to tell you something," I say, hanging my head.

Joel brings my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "I'm sorry, y/n."

My brows pitch up. "What for?"

"I came on too strong and I scared you. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."

"No," I shake my head. "Joel, it's not your fault."

His vast, saddened eyes search mine, wrenching my heart. "I never want to scare you, y/n."

"Please, it's not your fault, I promise."

He nods, kissing my knuckles again.

"I haven't been with anyone in eight years because I was—" Words fail me, and I seem incapable of explaining what happened to me in this moment.

"You were what?" Joel asks gently.

"T-taken advantage of by my ex-boyfriend and his friend when I was seventeen."

Joel's face twists with disgust, and the tenderness has left his eyes. "My god, I'm so sorry, y/n."

"No," I shake my head, "please don't pity me. I don't want your pity."

He gingerly reaches out and cups my face, my cheek pushing more into his touch. "It's not pity, y/n. It's compassion."

A tear falls from my eye, and Joel swipes it with his thumb. "I panicked when you first took me to the supply store for the washer hose because I was scared I wouldn't come back home. With—him—I had no way of leaving. I was trapped."

Joel frowns. "Honey, you didn't have to go with me."

I smile faintly at the pet name. "But I wanted to. I wanted to spend time with you."

"Y/n, listen to me," he cups my face in both hands, "we don't ever have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. I don't care what it is, it won't happen if you're uncomfortable. Do you hear me?"

I nod. "I still want you, Joel. I want you so badly."

"We don't have to rush into anything. I haven't even slept with anyone in years. I'll wait for you, y/n. I want to wait until you're ready."

My eyes soften as I hang my head. "God, you're amazing, you know that?"

"I'm not amazing, y/n. I'm just being a decent human. You're still fragile, and I don't want to—"

I scowl. "I'm not fragile."

Joel frowns slightly. "I didn't mean to offend you, I just don't want you doing something if it's too soon."

"Joel, I've spent the last eight years being terrified of men. You're the first man I've let kiss me in eight years. I'm not a porcelain doll. I'm a woman that's healing, and you're helping me put on the band-aids."

He smiles gently. "I'm the luckiest damn man in the world."

I scoff, sniffling a bit. "You think you're lucky because you have a trauma victim that likes you?"

"You're not that to me at all," he shakes his head. "To me, you're a strong woman who's beginning to trust. And only god knows why I'm the one who made you want to start. I'm just happy to be here with you."

My body leans forward, wrapping my arms around his neck as I push our chests together. Our lips and tongues connect effortlessly, like it's second nature for us at this point. I fling my leg over his, straddling him and pinning his thighs to the cushion.

"Y/n," Joel pulls away, his eyes searching mine, "please, if you're not ready—"

"Shut up, Joel," I tell him, reattaching our lips.

My fingers are in his hair, his hands on my hips as I gently rock them back and forth against him. I can feel how hard he is beneath me, and it only spurs me on further.

I've never ridden anyone before, but it doesn't take an expert to figure out how to do it. My hands fumble with the buttons of his shirt, our lips never leaving each other's as I work at his shirt.

"Touch me," I breathe against his lips, continuing our kiss.

Joel's hands stay at my hips, rubbing them tenderly.

His shirt lays open, and I part our kiss to give him a look of disapproval. "Joel, I didn't tell you the truth so that you'd be scared of me." I bring his hands up from my hips to my breasts. "I said touch me."

He leans up to reconnect the kiss, his palms against me, kneading my chest through my dress. His hands move down beneath it, sliding up my bare thighs until he's gripping my ass tightly.

"You tell me if you want me to stop anything," he says gruffly, his eyes alight with hunger.

I nod, desperate to return to his lips.

His hands move up the sides of my dress, and I part our mouths for a moment just so he can lift it off over my head. My fingers are on his jeans, shaking from desperation as I do my best to unfasten the button. Joel helps me, making quick work of his jeans until he's sat beneath me in only his boxers.

I lick my lips in anticipation, staring down at the thick, weighty erection that rests beneath me.

"I don't have any condoms, y/n," Joel says with a ragged breath.

"I don't care. I'm on the pill."

Joel's fingers play with the band of my panties, and I can tell he's still hesitant to touch me. My lips trail along his jaw and neck as I guide his hand into the fabric that he's toying with. A small groan leaves his lips once his fingers come in contact with my slit, making me clench down onto nothing.

"Oh, my god," he groans slightly, his head falling back against the back of the couch. "You're so fucking wet."

I hum against him, sliding my tongue from his collar bone up to his earlobe. "Just for you, Joel."

He eases a finger gently inside of me, stopping my body in its tracks as a shudder of pleasure runs through me. Joel moves it out slowly, pushing it back in with ease. My hands are on his shoulders, gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly as I let out a quiet moan against his neck.

"Gotta prep you, honey. I won't fit if I don't get you ready for me."

My breath hitches in my throat as he works a second finger into me, my lips tucking between my teeth. "Fuck," I breathe out shakily.

"God, you're so tight," he groans. "Don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't," I whisper. "Please, I need you."

My hands hook into the sides of his boxers, pulling them down so that they're resting on his thighs with his jeans. Joel's fingers move up to my clit, making me gasp at the sudden contact.

"Cum first and then I'm yours."

"Joel," I groan, my head leaning back. "Please."

He rubs me easily, swirling my little bundle of nerves in quick, neat circles that have my thighs already quivering with anticipation.

"It's okay, y/n," he coos. "You don't have to beg. You'll have me."

My body is on fire, and my chest is heaving dramatically. I'm already so close to the edge; so close to a feeling I haven't experienced in years, not even when I'm alone. I never wanted to. I've never been so hungry for an orgasm than I am right now with Joel beneath me and his fingers against me.

That blinding rush of euphoria courses through my body and I scream out, my entrance fluttering as my release takes over me. Joel groans quietly, his fingers guiding me through it until I'm shivering from the overstimulation.

He gently pulls my face down to his, kissing me deeply and passionately. I take his thick cock into my hands, groaning at the sheer size and weight of him. My other hand moves down to pull my panties to the side, rubbing Joel's tip through my soaking apex.

"Fuck," he curses, briefly breaking the kiss. "Tell me again that you want me."

I nod, biting my lip. "I want you so bad, Joel."

"I'm yours, y/n. Take me."

I pull away, leaning up onto my knees as I position myself above him. With one hand on him at the base, I gently start to ease myself down. My jaw unhinges, my eyes open wide from the overwhelming feeling of the stretch of him. I feel full, and he's not even halfway in yet.

Joel grips my hips tightly, his eyes on where we're connecting. "Take your time. I don't want it to hurt."

"It doesn't," I breathe out sharply. "Just—a lot."

He chuckles cheekily, the sound seemingly vibrating through my body to send another rush of arousal to where he's stretching me out. I move my hand, allowing myself to settle at the bottom as we both let out a coo of approval.

"Go slow," Joel says gently.

I breathe, adjusting to him still, feeling stretched beyond belief. "Don't tell me what to do."

Joel laughs, his fingers quickly undoing the clasps of my bra. He attaches his mouth to my left nipple, making me shriek and tense up around him. He groans against me, his eyes briefly squeezing shut.

I slowly start to move up and down, groaning out towards the ceiling from the intense pleasure. Joel drops his fingers to my slick bud again, immediately making me clench down on him.

He groans, moving to my other nipple. "You're so beautiful," he praises. "Riding me so good, y/n."

His compliments spur me on, and I move my hips faster, becoming more and more acclimated to the stretch of him. My moans are constant. Every time he's buried in me to the hilt, I can't help but cry out into the emptiness of my home.

"Joel," I moan, my eyes squeezed shut. "Please, I'm so close."

His free hand comes up and grips me behind my neck, pulling my lips down to press against his briefly. "I know, honey. Can feel you squeezing me. Cum on me, y/n."

His words are my undoing, and I'm crumbling. My walls are flexing against him and my teeth are sinking into the skin of his neck, needing something to keep me grounded to earth.

Joel groans loudly, only making my orgasm more intense. "Yes, y/n," he moans. "Tell me how I feel."

"G-good," I shudder, kissing the teeth marks on his neck. "Please, Joel."

"What, honey? Tell me what you want."

"Fuck me."

His hands immediately go to my hips, his legs adjusting a bit before he starts to thrust up into me, the quick pace making me scream and bury my face back into his neck.

"Oh, my god!" I cry, my eyes squeezing shut. "Fuck, Joel, please."

"I can't hold it anymore, y/n. Tell me where you want it," he says gruffly. "Tell me."

"Inside of me!"

Joel's fingers dig into my skin so tightly I'm sure they'll leave bruises. He cries out, his head tilting back as I feel him throbbing inside of me. Every spurt of cum and jerk of his hips makes me groan, and I finally open my eyes once I feel his release stop pouring into me.

His hands move to my bare back, caressing me gently from the bottom of my spine to the top. He rubs me silently for a few moments, both of us just panting and breathing together.

"Please tell me how you are," Joel finally says. "I need to know."

"I'm perfect," I breathe, moving my head out of the crook of his neck. "More than perfect."

He beams at me, leaning up to pull me in to a wonderful, tender kiss that has my heart soaring.

"You're incredible," he says as our foreheads press together. "I can't believe you like me."

I giggle, shaking my head. "Would you stop it? You're perfect, Joel. I mean it."

He chuckles, kissing me again. "What do you want me to do?"

I cock my head. "About what?"

"Do you want me to stay the night? Or would you rather me go home?"

"Stay," I smile. "Please."

He beams at me. "I was hoping you'd say that."

****

[popawritter12]

That Hwei fic was so good, I litteraly can't get yandere Hwei out of my mind now 😭😭 Mind doing some more, whether it be headcanons or one shot? 🥹🙏

Author's note: Since you asked me based on Hwei's one-shot, I'm going to make its "sequel."

Also, I want to clarify that; To the other two anons who requested their respective things, give me some time, I'm a little "slowed down" due to certain personal issues <3

Love y'all

Yandere! Hwei x Fem! Reader

Yandere Character: Hwei

From the videogame/serie/movie/manga/anime: League Of Legends

Case: kidnapping, restraints, drugs, very light NSFW, allusion to deaths

Part: 2 of 2

Part 1 here!

Finished: Yes

-

This wasn't supposed to happen, she wasn't supposed to have found out about all this…, he wasn't supposed to have talked about it, in fact, she shouldn't have even gone through all this.

However, it ended up happening, and now she was there, tied to a chair and babbling cries and pleas that at this point only made my heart ache.

Do you know what was the worst? That it was my fault, I was the only one to blame for this situation, the fact that she was now trying to get out of it, but he refused to listen to her, he refused to even accept her pleas.

And then she resorted to talking to me, she tried to convince me that this is wrong, that all this was just a rotten desire, something so horrendous that it consumed me, and that it was going to consume her, that it was all a simple manipulation of Jhin, and that she could free me from these chains, that she could free me from this sick love.

And it hurt me, it hurt me to think that she thought so badly of me, that she thought of me as lovesick, as someone who was being consumed by some kind of vortex, it wasn't until I came to myself that I realized. that, in fact, there was no other way out of this situation

The vegetables stirring in the clay plate, and the spoon permanently crashing against the clay, the sound of the collision between both materials made me remember in great detail the first time I saw her, the feeling that seeing someone so eccentric caused me when she passed through the door of the temple, and the nerves that the mere fact of seeing her in the eyes provoked in me.

I still have the vivid image of her on the first day; A smile adorned her face, her fingers played with each other constantly, and the old cloth bag with the sounds of metals colliding together was an image that was always in my mind. Every time she returned to that memory, I completely forgot the horror in her eyes, the fear she shows me now.

For a long time, I thought there might be a comeback, I thought that if I untied her and let her go, she would forgive me, she would show me that she was going to lead me down the same path.

But I no longer see a return, now I did not see a return; This path that I had taken, all this… all this love, absolutely everything that torments my mind, I could not eliminate it, not even if I expressed it in so many paintings, not even if I vent it in Jhin or in someone else, I did not find any place for me that received with the same love with which she received every smile she gave me. Now she just had to find a way to accept that fate, to accept the love I have for her.

I knew that sooner or later all this was going to end like this, more so due to the fact that I had never known this feeling in my life.

But seeing her I was certain that we were destined for each other.

This is why I do this, this is all the reason why I still want to be with her.

But everything had to be a little crooked.

I placed the clay plate on the silver tray, and then I noticed it. A crystal glass sits next to the bowl, and I stare at it for countless seconds, trying to figure out whose hand it was that had placed it.

—I'm glad to see you haven't freed her yet —Jhin mentions —, it's just a matter of time before she gets used to it.

He settled down against the counter, and noticed the strange color in the water; small bubbles emerge from the bottom, but there was nothing there. I thought, for a moment, that it was carbonated water, however, it didn't fit how Jhin is, it didn't fit the idea that… he didn't care about her.

—Tell me, have you already thrown away the dried paint? —He questioned me.

I let out a sigh.

—What did you put in the water?

It was a simple question, but one that presented a danger to me. It was obvious that she wasn't going to notice this, it was obvious that he could poison her, drug her, harm her… How I supposed trust Jhin? or obviously doubt on someone like him?

—You did not answer my question.

—I'm not interested in throwing away the dried paint —I responded, huffing —, now, what did you put in the water?"

Jhin kept his cynicism in that smile plastered on his face.

—One thing.

—What thing? —I ask again, more angry.

—A wonderful thing.

—Why the fuck are you playing this shit now? —I ask, my frown clashing against his playful gaze

—Why don't you ask the color?

I sighed heavily, setting the water down on the table.

—What color?

—White. —he responded to me.

My hand tightened on the glass.

—And…? —He asked, playfully.

Roughly, I threw the water on the floor. I sighed heavily, wishing I could throw away the dried paint again. Even if he had already thrown it away.

—What texture? —I questioned him, raising an eyebrow.

—Dusty.

His smile spread, almost looking like a jester.

—Seriously, you are an idiot.

I had to go out to get more water, and as I progressed, more dried paint crossed the wooden box, escaping from the lock and through small poorly carved edges of the wood, denoting on the carpenter's poor work.

Apparently, the paint cans want to get out of the drawer.

-

It was obvious that, far from what he expected, the glass of water still looked strange. I thought it was just me, so I just gasped, before knocking on the door three times.

—Sweetheart? I can pass?

I tried not to sound so sweet, but damn, it was complicated. It was extremely difficult not to be nice to someone like her; someone so sweet, so beautiful, so….

—Yeah.

Her voice sounded so soft, like the breath of a panting cat.

I grabbed the doorknob, before gently turning it to open the door. The mechanism inside the knob let me through, and I was able to open the door.

I Maneuver to enter. Seeing her, I only allowed myself to smile. As if the heaviness under my eyes finally disappeared, and energy returned to my hunched body.

—How are you, sweetheart? Did you like the painting I did for you?

I arrange the tray on the nightstand, the double bed squeaking softly as she sits on the mattress; her back nestled between large pillows and stuffed animals.

—It's… cute. —She responds, before arranging her wrists against the pillow she placed on her lap.

She was wearing a white dress, which covered her shoulders and reached her knees. The soft fabric rested against her delicate skin, and I could tell that, in her eyes that she was about to fall asleep.

—I'm glad you liked it—My smile spread, before leaving the tray on the pillow located in her lap.

She didn't respond, just staring at the plate of food. I hear her stomach make a sound, almost in protest.

—Do you want me to let go of the rope? —I asked, before moving my hands away from her.

—Yes. —she replied, her tone vaguely her own.

I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she was in my eyes; Her eyes, tired and longing for sleep, only awakened that desire to take her in my arms, snuggle her against me and sleep next to her for countless days.

—Now I will release the ties, let me know if I hurt you too much, okay?

She nodded, her vacant gaze meeting my eyes. Just touching her arm made me feel that same nervousness that I had that day, that day when all this started, and what marked the beginning of our path together.

When I released the rope, I noticed the purple color that was present on her skin; Imagining the pain in her wrist, I just wanted to heal her, but now she needed to eat.

—Is Jhin still outside? —She asked me.

As I finished releasing her other arm, I just looked at her again.

—H-He just came to look for some materials for the temple… nothing special. —I responded, babbling for no reason.

—Oh, well… —She responds, before placing her hands on the pillow.

She sighs, as if her body is seeking a relaxation of the ropes.

While the spoon settled in her fingers, she looked at the steam emanating from the bowl. She was silent for a few seconds, and as she sat me next to her, I could feel uneasy.

—Lately I've seen you very… sick, so today you have soup and tomorrow I'll serve you your favorite food, do you agree? —I offer, tilting my head a little so she can see me.

At this, she simply nodded.

—How are my parents? —She asks me.

I blink a couple of times before I remember it.

They sobbed a lot that day; Her mother came to the temple threatening that she would kill anyone who refused to tell her where her little girl was.

Although her husband stopped her, she treated everyone in the temple badly, in her desperate look there were only hints of hatred and hope, hope of knowing that she was going to find her little girl safe and sound.

It was obvious that, when she approached me, I would think that she was going to treat me badly, or even try to strangle me.

But, that did not happen; She barely approached me, she just took my hand.

“Oh, you're Hwei, right?” she began “My daughter always spoke well of you to me, she said you were one of the few she called a friend these months.”

And she…she hugged me.

She collapsed into my arms, as if she were seeking comfort—or if she wanted to share her grief with me—to which I only responded by returning the hug.

“She always said that she felt that you understood her, and she greatly admired the paintings you made,” she sobbed, tears staining my shoulder and my clothes, “she loved you so much…, she even said that she considered inviting you to come to our house to paint together…”

A weight added to my heart, suppressing all that lack of emotion that I put up as a façade, and I felt like I was going to collapse too.

I never felt so foolishly humiliated as that day, and for my part, I only cried with her, but for different reasons…

—They… aren't feeling very well, but they told me a lot of things when they entered the temple… —I sighed, as if I hadn't come back to myself.

But a hand against mine stopped me from continuing to think, a hand that could have brought me back to this earthly plane.

—Hwei… What was in the water? —She asked, panting rapidly.

I almost immediately looked at her again, and noticed that she had taken the tray out of her lap, and was now on her knees, on the bed, exchanging glances with me.

— (Name), darling… —I whispered, taking her face in my hands.

I felt my heart pound against my chest, and the weight of my chest grew stronger.

—Forgive me, my love, forgive me… —I begged, pressing my face against his, —.., what hurts you? Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy? Can you see well?"

I couldn't even continue asking, why she took my hands, before roughly pushing me against the wood that separated the bed from the wall.

—I feel different. —She mentioned, before resting her forehead against mine.

—D-don't worry, just lie down and I'll take care of…

And her lips pressed against mine. Her kiss drowned me, and even more so when her hands met my wrists, pushing roughly against the wood.

I stammered uselessly at this, but she only responded by tightening her grip on my wrists.

At one point I just left myself, the taste of her lips and the domination and power that she had over me only caused my heart to move wildly in my chest, and generated heat in my body.

—No, stop… I-I can't do this when you're this bad… —I complained, trying to fight her.

But she never let herself to being weak, deepening her kiss in such a way that I could only accept it, that I couldn't fight someone who could manipulate my mind in such a way that my body weakened, and that I couldn't allow myself to fight her.

I REALLY LIKED HOW THIS ONE LOOKED OUT.

IT TOOK A LONG BUT HERE IT IS. AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

ALSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,

If this thing get like 100 notes, I do the part 3 but with the NSFW ;)

[elodieunderglass]

Hi!

I have enjoyed your posts about salsify and would very much like to inflict salsify seeds on my nearest and dearest for them to grow. Do you have any recommended suppliers of seeds? I am in the UK.

Thank you!

In reference to this post about there being food plants you rarely find in shops, because they don’t meet the needs of supermarket supply chains, like white salsify, a plant that bleeds red sticky latex when bruised.

Seed buying season usually starts around December, unless you’re planning a bulk order as part of a collective, so many of these places won’t have their final 2023 collections up. Here are the companies I like best and why.

MoreVeg: https://moreveg.co.uk/epages/bd0b9b93-06b9-4b49-9efb-f179fdacfbdd.mobile/?ObjectPath=/Shops/bd0b9b93-06b9-4b49-9efb-f179fdacfbdd SALSIFY: SOMETIMES, CHECK BACK IF IT ISN’T THERE.

What I like about MoreVeg is that she

1. Only sells a small amount for a cheaper price, I.e. 3 pumpkin seeds, because let’s be real, you aren’t really growing more than 3 pumpkins of the same type at the same time: you want lots of different ones. So, like, while other people sell you an absurd amount of runner bean seeds, like 324 or something wild, she puts 20 in a packet, because that’s what a normal person would want.

2. She writes a little handwritten note in the packet and it makes me feel like she really remembers me every year 🥹

3. She carries some lines I like, like she GETS having weird decorative pumpkins in a way that most British people don’t.

4. She does cheaper collections of useful things, like green manure collections, pollinator-friendly bloom collections, meadow flowers for cutting collections, “carrots of all colors,” all nicely portioned and cheaper.

5. I personally don’t care hugely about everything being heirloom, so it’s nice that she has a mixture.

RealSeeds: https://www.realseeds.co.uk SALSIFY: check back if not there!

The real MVPs. You guys know how I love and value graunchy 1990s websites, right? I love and value the RealSeeds website. From their Art Nouveau paper packets (plastic free!) to the way that they throttled orders during the COVID seed rush to keep staff safe, everything they do is extremely thoughtful and ethical. (Lots of people see the title and think they’re associated with RareSeeds, the USA-based Mennonite heirloom seed people, but they’re not: this is a UK-based band of unproblematic heirloom seed fanatics.) They’re in the business of supplying, preserving, testing and promoting rare heirloom seeds, and do not carry ANY hybrids.

1. Probably the best and funniest part of their business model is how they constantly try to convince you to stop buying seeds from them, because you should really save and grow your own seeds, instead of buying them. I love businesses that try to talk you out of participating in capitalism.

2. This is where I got my Glass Gem popping corn from (and I did indeed save my own seeds to plant the following year!) As nowhere else in the UK carries them.

3. As you may have gathered, I’m a big fan of using The Best Plant For The Job (Rather Than Killing Myself Having All My Plants Be Unproblematic.) so I am not HUGELY concerned about using hybrids for some of my favourite reliable plants - like for example the Summer Ball F1 hybrid courgette, which meets all of my needs so perfectly that I’m just NOT going to wrestle with trying to get all those properties I like in an heirloom that will make my life harder. I’m just not. I already have a day job in saving the world, not everything has to be perfect. However, I really support RealSeeds, so I do my best to buy as much as possible from them - while also putting them out of business, by saving my own seed where it makes sense.

4. All of their listings are so brilliantly and awesomely written and formatted in EXACTLY the style I like, like, please read these: https://www.realseeds.co.uk/otherbeans.html

5. They do a lot of interesting work trying to source heirlooms from around the world and select strains that can produce in the UK’s environment. Glass Gem, for example, is one of the only “Indian corns” you can grow in the UK, and RealSeeds selected the other! They also carry things like edamame, rainbow quinoa, and a particularly productive strain of amaranth - food plants from around the world that don’t mind settling in the UK. I also love how whenever the staff eat something like “a particularly tasty squash they’ve never seen before” in their travels abroad, they find the grower and ask respectfully to trade seeds.

Victoriana Nursery wouldn’t normally stand out in this crowd on seeds, they just don’t have the selection, I see their big strength as being in fruit trees and fruit bushes: but have a great collection of offbeat herbs for natural remedies: https://www.victoriananursery.co.uk SALSIFY: YES

Raid their catalogue for things like dyer’s chamomile (which makes a yellow dye) bergamot (for making your own Earl Grey?) and the original Marsh Mallowroot (a distinctive herb whose flavor is obvious if you think about it!)

King’s Seeds UK in association with Suffolk Herbs: https://www.kingsseeds.com SALSIFY: YES

Our allotment community goes in on a yearly seed order: bulk seed orders that meet a minimum order threshold can get up to 50% discount on seeds. The committee are very keen on pressing the paper catalogues into your hands, with bulk order forms already tucked inside. I got the 50% bulk discount this year, which worked out okay.

1. Their selection is very no-nonsense and the varieties are all the kind of very productive, market-garden old reliables - not very bold or sexy. Honestly? If you mean to be serious about growing food, that’s what the bulk of your land should prioritise. It’s fun to mess around the edges with black tomatoes and purple carrots and experiments in growing heirloom quinoa, and you should DEFINITELY do all of that!!! but if you mean to be serious and have enough vegetables to make chutneys or preserves, open up a catalogue like this one and look for high reliability and disease resistance.

[writingjourney]

I want to write, and I did a little bit when I first the fandom of Ghost a few months back. But I quickly resolved back to thinking I'm not good enough for anyone to like it and people don't even care. I know the best way is to write for myself but I depend on validation. And I don't have any range to even be seen by anyone. I know I have to put myself out there but it's so difficult when you're afraid of the world out there. :(

I feel you anon, it IS difficult to put yourself out there, to build and maintain a presence online – especially if you're dealing with things like social anxiety and self-doubt. You have to ignore your mean inner voice A LOT and convince yourself not to delete that fic, not to talk yourself down constantly, not to compare yourself to others who post similar things. Believe me, no matter how many people follow you or how many notes or hits your work gets, this never goes away if you are an introspective, insecure person by nature.

I'm not sure if I'm the right person for it, but I think I can try to give you some words of wisdom. I feel like the hard truth is that being creative has to (mainly) come from intrinsic motivations or you will not keep it up long-term. You have to love the story your writing, it has to be something you are happy to work on no matter if you post it or not. Extrensic motivation like notes/comments etc. can definitely help to get you to create more often but if your inner drive is not there it just takes you so much more effort to push through the insecurities. The best kind of writing is the story that gives you incredible brain rot because you're obsessed with it, not the one that gets you the most notes online. And I say this (I know) as someone who is lucky to get a lot of validation from others these days, especially friends.

The truth however is that it takes work and dedication like any other craft to get better at writing which also helps to get more confident, something an online audience cannot give you because it depends on factors beyond your control like fandom size/platform/ships etc. When I started writing fic on this blog in 2016 I was a tiny small account with not a lot of followers who was new to writing in English as well as the world of fanfic, I didn't have the best skills yet and posted x reader fics for maybe 10-30 notes if I was lucky, even for bigger fandoms. As time went by I improved, I found mutuals and a small community of writers but then eventually I abandoned this blog for a couple years because what happened is that I started writing for other people and not myself anymore. Taking requests, finishing stories for characters I was no longer into etc. It KILLED my creativity and I went back to other work beyond fanfic.

I went on to posting my fics exclusively to Ao3 when I did write because my motivation was the story itself, being obsessed with whatever media I had found, and not being popular in the fandom. I knew that was not gonna happen because my obsessions fluctuated and I was just a beginner writer who had a long journey ahead (still have I feel like). But the lack of pressure helped to actually get me to write. Instead of listening to what others want you have to allow your creativity to take you places and write the stories that inspire you, hop between fandoms and characters and tropes and be self-indulgent as fuck even if maybe two people read it. Finding writer friends REALLY helps with that.

I returned to tumblr for Ghost in an attempt to find community, not even really to stay here for so long, and I happened to be lucky to get here at a time where the fandom was VERY active and people were reading a LOT of fanfiction. Right now the fandom is pretty much dead compared to that time. When I came here I tried to be active because that is what I knew from when I started back in 2016, writers supporting writers, readers sharing a variety of works, multifandom accounts hopping all over the place, lots of activity not even bound to one bubble but across fandoms. I read other people's works on here and shared it, supported the new favorite writers I found, befriended people who I thought are cool etc. and I continue to do that now.

I feel like that is the key to having fun in fandom really. Because while a few people scout or follow the hashtags you post your work in most people will not bother digging through them (tumblr search is just horrible) but rely on what the people they follow reblog and put on their dash. People won't see your works if you stay inside your tight little corner and never interact with the community because there is no algorithm pushing it out. To be supportive is the best way to receive support and the best way to support others is to do so genuinely and not with the intention to get back. I KNOW this can be sooooo scary but I have only ever found it to be very rewarding in the end because kindness is contagious, you reap what you sow etc etc. I really hope you can find the courage to put yourself out there and listen to your creativity and let it carry you places instead of letting the outside world affect how you approach your creativity.

I hope this helped in some shape or form. I know it is all easier said than done but a LOT of people are sooooo kind and supportive if you show them that you are out there and care about them as well, I promise! ♡

[lawlightautismtruther]

All I ever hear when talking with the girls (am I 100% girl? No, and that might be why I feel the disconnect here) is the following

- he’s so tall and big and muscular and deep voiced and UHHHH I WANT HIM TO RAIL MEEEEE

And I’m just like “good for you. Where’s my 5’5” 110 angel of a male, whom I want to carry around princess style to our king sized bed” and they all just look at me like

😨

Like are yall not aware that not EVERYONE is like you??!!!

Like I have no problem with how other people experience sexual attraction, obviously I don’t. That would be hypocritical as hell because people tend to have a problem with how I experience it (note I live in the evangelical American south and the internet is the only place that gets me) but I wish (and I’m the 10000000th person to express this, which goes to show how behind we still are) that women/women-adjacent people were ALLOWED to be masculine and be attracted to femininity without being ostracized and made to feel embarrassed. Especially for lesbians, but also for people like me. I feel like people around here can actually conceptualize a sapphic relationship better than the type of relationship I seek (but they accept neither, unfortunately).

I fear what would happen if they learned I was bi 😩

I’m not emotionally attracted to women (it’s a sexual thing), so I’d end up with a man anyway, but the JUDGEMENT I would still receive from these prehistoric brained people is CRAZY. I feel especially for lesbians and gay people because I know it’s 1000000x harder on them, even if people can conceptualize them better, they hate them even more.

Like, I constantly receive the “well if you’re so attracted to “sissy-boys” why aren’t you just a lesbian?” Which is SO stupid because it implies two really fucking idiotic ideas

1. Sexuality is a choice (specifically, gay people choose to be gay)

2. Being attracted exclusively to femininity = (or at least should equal) being attracted exclusively to women (and the inverse, which is often used to invalidate masc attracted lesbians as jaded straight women or something stupid like that)

WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE GRASP NUANCE AND VARIANCE IN SEX/GENDER EXPRESSION AND EXPERIENCE.

I know a lot of it is the Bible and Christian culture (which is barely even in the Bible at all), but they break the rules and conventions of it EVERYDAY and find a way to justify it. Yet they can never justify people like me who aren’t harming ANYBODY

Which is proof it’s not 100% about religion, even if they’re consciously convinced it is. It’s about prejudice and ignorance.

what I’ll never understand is the motivation a lot of these people give me for being so obsessed with gender essentialism and policing others “the death of masculinity and femininity in men and women respectively will lead to the downfall of society”

LIKE BROTHER SOURCE PLEASE?!! WHATS YOUR SOURCE HELP

And for the love of God, don’t say the Bible. I’m a Christian myself, actually. But I am fully aware that the Bible was never supposed to be a source for ANYTHING. It’s simply a collection of relevant  documents to the history of our faith. That’s it.

GIVE ME A SCIENTIFIC STUDY AND MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOU A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY FOR ONCE (but that will never happen, so by default I will never take these people seriously. Also because if gender variance were an issue, God wouldn’t have made me (and millions of others) the way I am. There are actual problems in this world to worry about, so stop trying to convince me that by “acting like a man” and preferring men who “act like women” I’m contributing to the destruction of society. To be honest, I hope I’m contributing to the downfall of society, because this one stinks). Instead, target the rapists, the murderers, the pedos, the human traffickers, the child exploiters, the money hoarding ultra-rich, the fascists, the racists, the sexists, the homophobes, the supremacists, the nazis, the liars, the cheaters, and the media that promotes them. But most of these people are too far gone to see what’s wrong with the above. So I’m ranting about it all here in this echo chamber. I have no choice.