#not to put down other people with eds they are valid

[thebibliosphere]

Remembering a 'fun' moment through the haze of drugs yesterday when I asked the nurse for something to brace my knees with because I could feel my hips starting to dislocate when they turned me onto my side.

The nurse, god love her, got down to my eye level on the gurney and very sweetly told me that when joints click, they're not actually dislocating, and it's just ligaments sliding over each other causing gas pockets to crackle and pop. This is true for most people and is actually what makes that satisfying crunch sound when you go see the chiropractor. So I knew right away she was thinking, "A chiropractor has told her this; this will be an Educational Moment."

Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how to tell her I know this, and that's not what is happening as a teeth guard was being slipped between my teeth when my GI doctor went, "Did you not read the note I put in her file? She has EDS. When she says it's her joints, it's her joints. Listen to the patient!"

He then showed her how to hold my shoulders in place while he was doing the upper endoscopy exam so my shoulder wouldn't randomly slip out and make my chest muscles seize. As I was laying on my side and he was double checking my position he leaned in and let me know with a wink that he'd asked a physical therapist what to do and hopefully I wouldn't be in too much pain with my joints tomorrow. (I am not.)

He also brought an extra nurse in from the allergy department (Sam) to monitor for signs of anaphylaxis because, apparently, it looks different when the patient is sedated. The fact that I "woke up" from my sedation (I don't think I actually fell asleep) and gave him a thumbs up when he announced "excellent prep" to the room at large made some of the nurses flutter because they'd given me enough fentanyl to knock out a horse, but I have a vague memory of the allergy nurse and the GI doctor sharing a look over the top of my head before starting to talk to me in calm measured tones to let me know it was okay that I was awake, but I needed to stop moving. Was I in any pain? Could I squeeze Sam's hand once for no and twice for yes? Okay, good, we're almost done...

It was a weird but validating experience.

[overwhelmed-overweight]

I often feel invisible on here with BED.

I don't restrict calories below 1,200. I don't fast for days on end. I don't replace meals with an energy drink. I don't cardio myself into the ground.

That's not to say, of course, that I haven't done those things. I've struggled with this shit since before some people on this side of Tumblr could walk. But I've accepted that these things lead me to binge hard. I still binge regardless, but not like I did with those restrictions in place.

Applying ana habits to BED is like pouring water on an oil fire. That shit will explode in your fucking face.

Back when I started showing symptoms over 10 years ago it wasn't even recognized as its own disorder, just lumped in with EDNOS, so even medical/psychiatric professionals are just now getting around to diagnosing it instead of giving the usual "hurr durr put the fork down" advice and billing my insurance $300. But I felt invisible back then and I still feel invisible now because that stigma does still hang on.

To my other BED friends who feel like they can't fit in with the ED crowd on Tumblr, I know how you feel. It's hard to romanticize stuffing your face until you're throwing up blood and stomach acid with vintage typewriter text over black & white filtered T-spo. But we have a much, much different disorder and need to allow ourselves the grace to approach it differently.

You still have a disorder whether you eat 500 or 1500 calories. You still have a disorder whether you lift heavy weights or run for miles on end or are sedentary. You're not alone, your disorder is 100% real and valid, and I see you.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I've been thinking a lot about this today, but I think I've nailed down what my biggest lingering issue with s2 was - it's that I wanted Ed to get more explicit sympathy, and I don't blame the story for not doing it because I can see why they thought they wouldn't have to.

As you know if you were around as s2 was airing, one of the big frustrations was that a certain subset of the fandom thought the narrative was vindicating a read of Ed as irredeemable and Izzy as blameless. Because of this, I often found myself wishing that there were more scenes where the crew explicitly sympathized with Ed's struggles and told him outright that they still loved him. Even though the narrative was so sympathetic towards Ed, I knew how a lot of this season would be read so I wanted it to be said so clearly it would be impossible to miss.

The thing is, of course, that the writers wouldn't have assumed that necessary. Now, I do wish we'd had more Ed/crew scenes (another place I blame the budget cuts and not the writers). But they show us the crew feeling extreme guilt over mutinying on Ed and accepting him back very quickly.

They (reasonably) assumed that the audience would be able to fill in the gaps because Ed is a very likeable, sympathetic character and they (reasonably) expect their audience to like and sympathize with him. The only problem is that vocal subset of the fandom who love to villify Ed and thought their interpretation was being validated by the story up until like the last ten minutes of the finale, which was frustrating to the rest of us. The other thing is the writers (reasonably) assumed they would need to put in the work to make the audience like Izzy, so they devote a lot of time to making him more likeable, which, to those same people, came across as absolving him of any blame. It could too easily come across as an abuser (Izzy) turning the narrative against the man he abused (Ed).

I know it's because of the fandom atmosphere that I so strongly miss scenes where Ed got some of the sympathy that was afforded to the character who triggered his spiral into such a dark and self-destructive mindset in the first place. The writers couldn't have expected this and I think they made the best decisions they could with what they had. But dear lord does it make me want to write a bunch of fics about Ed getting pampered and fussed over by the crew.

[baelaria]

Coming back from Narnia pt. 2 Edmund

When Edmund is put back into the body of a ten year old, after having a taste of adulthood, he’s absolutely distraught. His chess pieces, Cair Paravel, the street lamp, everything’s gone.

He looks at his siblings, almost likely suffering, and they slowly stand up, hand in hand, facing the now strange world once again.

At home Helen doesn’t notice much change in her youngest boy. Apart from the newfound affection towards her and his beloved people and the interest he seems to cultivate in war strategy and chess, he looks like the boy he was before the beginning of the war.

But nothing’s like it seems.

Edmund is pestered by violent dreams full of war and bloodshed, just like Peter is. But he somehow controls them better, at least doesn’t wake up screaming at the top of his lungs. Even though sometimes he does wake up in the middle of the night, and not for the scared screaming of his brother next door, and so he silently rises from his bed, clutching tightly his night robe, scared to hit something in the dark as he ascends down the corridor to his older sister’s bedroom.

Susan barely even opens her eyes as she feels Edmund hugging her tightly, pressing his tear stained cheeks in her nightgown silently, listening to her shallow and regular heartbeat.

She slowly moves her hands through his hair until he calms down and stops shaking, until his breath becomes shallow and regular as well.

She doesn’t sing a melody, nor comforts him with words. She knows that nothing will ever fill the deep chasm that is inside Edmund’s heart since he began fighting at the ripe age of eleven. And she doesn’t mention it during the day. But their mother has found them countless times curled up into one another well past the rise of the sun, also comforting one another in deep sleep.

Edmund’s teachers find him astonishing. He’s very talented and good with words, so precise with his wording that a few classmates have started to call him silver tongue.

Ed’s flattered, but every time he hears that name he makes a very nostalgic expression, almost like remembering something far, far away.

Mostly because his counselors used to call him silver tongued, also astonished by his long formal and exquisite letters he used to write to neighboring countries in the name of Peter the Magnificent.

But he is not only good with words.

As soon as he joins the chess club, which, obviously, is one of the first things he asks to do to his mum shortly after coming back; he finds truthful rivals worth many long nights in front of fireplaces with a chessboard at hand.

His rivals actually never find a way to understand his strategies, but once or twice somebody manages to beat him. Maybe after having had a short chat with one of Edmund’s sisters, but that he mustn’t know of course.

So through this valid rivalry he does find one or two friends and so often invites them to play against him in front of a freshly made pack of Turkish delights and a hot cup of tea. Who is to say no that ?

But Edmund also takes on fencing. Sure, the literary courses and activities are between his favorites, but he dearly misses fighting with a sword at hand, forever reminiscing the time when he always had a sword at his side and a shield in his hand.

So he takes on fencing. And he is surely grandiose at it. Actually, after not even a week, he even manages to beat the instructor, who baffled, must also somehow explain to his other students how Edmund beat him, even though he himself cannot really formulate a proper explanation.

So, bored, Edmund forces his brother to take on fencing as well.

At first Peter isn’t really delighted of the idea, thinking that the balance of fencing is completely different, making it hard for such a prude knight as him, but somehow Edmund manages to convince him, and boy was it the right decision.

Edmund and Peter right away find a kind of balance of their own, swinging through the classroom light as feathers. A few students even think that they’re dancing instead of fencing. But the Pevensie brothers just have a connection of their own, different from all kinds of stuff those people had seen before.

Ah, and of course another hobby of his. Edmund deeply enjoys reading, often also to other people. He loves reading lavish tales about faraway kingdoms to Lucy, who loves to be lulled into his arms while imagining those faraway kingdoms.

But he also appreciates silence while reading.

All the siblings know where to find their brother when they’re desperately searching for him, and he is overjoyed to be found in the library, feet tucked under his legs, arms with book in hand resting on the mahogany leather armrest of the comfortable chair he was sitting in.

His library back in Narnia was almost as big as a small ballroom, but back in London he has to settle with a single wall full of books.

But that does not stop him from buying more books. The bookshop employees of the little bookstore at the angle of a small street know him very well by now, even offering discounts, knowing he will always be back for other books that might peek his interest the next time he visits the little bookshop.

And so also Edmund has left a piece of his soul back in Narnia, desperately trying to fill the hole with hobbies and interests he also had back there.

But nothing will ever feel like Narnia, except - maybe- returning there…

[scretladyspider]

saying that the aces who are sex favorable/neutral/have sex are treated like the only “valid” aces is just

wow

…no

I have thoughts and experiences and thoughts based on those experiences

here I go

sex repulsed and averse aces treat sex favorable/neutral aces like we’re just trying to appeal to allosexuals, like talking about our experiences is inherently harmful, like our very existence is harmful because they get told that somethings wrong with them and as a result become very defensive of their aceness — but instead of taking that anger at being constantly dismissed out on dismantling allonormativity and compulsory heterosexuality, the framework and expectations that harm them… they say that if you say “hey I’m an ace and I have sex, we all have different relationships with having sex, some of us don’t, some of us do”, that we’re saying that we’re the better aces and are going out of our way to appeal to allosexuals at the cost of how our sexuality intertwines with our personhood, that we’re trying to appeal to allosexuals, and it might make allosexuals think maybe they can have sex with any ace actually, even tho we never told them that and specified it was just our experience (because we all know all allosexuals are mindless sex machines who only think about sex and are never capable of respecting boundaries or asexuality, no sexless relationship between an allo and an ace could or has ever healthily existed) (that in parentheses was sarcasm)

allosexuals treat sex favorable/neutral aces like we’re not really ace, like by having, or god forbid, enjoying sex, we are invalidating our sexuality, like asexuality and celibacy are the same thing and therefore we’re not really ace, and any acceptance comes at the price of respect and understanding of who we actually are, and (often) don’t accept us for who we are because “you’re not like those other people”, so to be acceptable means again paying the price of constant insults, invalidation, and depending on the situation, much worse stuff actually

so we’re left in this weird place where we know personally it’s important to talk about it because we didn’t know what was wrong with us for so long but then when we do, our own community acts like saying “I exist too” out loud is purposely harmful to them, like we’re trying to hurt them, like it’s personal and vindictive and not just “I also exist, just differently from how you exist”

we go to allosexuals and say “hey I exist” and are met with “no you don’t” “not really” “oh, you just want to invade the queer community” “you wanna be oppressed” “you need to stop taking antidepressants” “you’re just a woman/feminine” etc etc, and depending on who/where we come out it may not be safe, and may even be traumatizing if it goes badly, a risk that is always taken when coming out, but surely our sex favorability is just to try to appeal to allos, that couldn’t be who we are

but if allosexuals who are acephobic start to loudly say “oh asexuals just want the right to not have sex, that’s not a sexuality”, THEN all of the sudden it’s “that’s not what asexuality is, some aces have sex!” and the same it’s sex repulsed/averse aces saying it when the community is being put down, all of the sudden we’re important and our stories matter and our perspectives matter and help challenge misconceptions about asexuality

which is it?

Why are we only allowed to say we exist when asexuality as a whole is being put down?

why is the rest of the time if we say “hey some aces have sex, we exist too” harming you, but then when acephobes take a swing at all of us, we’re suddenly important and it’s good to acknowledge the spectrum of asexuality and then it’s okay to say there’s a spectrum of sexual attraction and of sex favorability

why are you mad at us, not the structures and people and sex Ed and purity culture that says none of us are allowed to exist?

if we can’t fit in with other aces and are only valid in the eyes of sex repulsed/averse aces when we can be used to prove a point, and we can’t fit in with allos because we’re invalidated and treated like we don’t exist while still having an ace experience

where the fuck are we supposed to go?

you’re mad at the wrong thing; you’re mad at the wrong people

aces who have sex, aces who like sex, aces who rarely/conditionally experience sexual attraction, are not out to hurt you by saying “I do also exist”

we are here with you trying to find a place to fit in

I’d like to think you’d understand that but it seems like there’s a part of the sex repulsed/averse ace community determined to lock the door on a part of your own community

and I dunno

it just puts a bad taste in my mouth

[lexithwrites]

OMG chubby reg!!! Do you have more thoughts about him? How about he got chubby(-ier) when he went on testosterone? I love him omg

GOD I DO okay okay this is gonna contain content on ED's (im speaking from my own personal experience with having one and my feelings so not everyone will agree im sure, everyone experiences things differently) so pls don't read if this triggers you:

reg, to me, has a very damaged relationship with food. when he was younger and in school and just after, probably 14-21, his parents weren't the best at,,,making him feel confident. i feel like they constantly commented on how he looked (especially when he was presenting female) and what he was eating almost daily. he was very skinny and weak, he didn't really feel like he could masculine or feminine without someone commenting on how he looked and he hated it, but he hated eating as well because he did get compliments a lot and his like self worth was purely based on that. when he started transitioning, though, he was kinda put into a stereoptyical category and just stayed there because he didn't know what else to do, but then he meets and eventually dates james and everything starts to change. james doesn't cure his relationship with food, not at all, but he notices little patterns and signs regulus does and he's a very giving and loving person, he wants to try and help. i think regulus sits down with him one day and explains everything that goes on in his head because of his childhood and how he views himself and james is an empath my boy is trying not to cry but he stays strong and just offers to help him meal prep if he'd let him. cut to a year or so later and regulus is probably the healthiest he's been. he hates the gym, he only really goes on walks with his friends or sirius if he insists on it, but james is feeding him GOOD. he was taught how to cook and bake from a young age and he really enjoys it—regulus hates it for multiple reasons—and has tried his best to get regulus' into a bit of a happier cycle with his eating. and honestly? he does put on a decent amount of weight, enough that it shows, that he notices and other people notice. the good and loving people in his life think that if he's happy then so are they, and he's clearly a lot happier. but his parents are still dicks about it and make it obvious that they can tell and yes, reg cuts them off eventually, but he IS happier. he has a boyfriend that wants him to be the best version of himself (reg does this for james too, its never one sided) and even though he has his down days where he feels like his face is too round, his thighs are too thick, his tummy is getting too big, he has james to touch him and talk to him and let him know that everything he feels is valid, but that none of it is bad or disgusting or unhealthy. he's just changing and its beautiful and yeah this was a lot for me haha

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

Hi Fen!!! Popping in to ask what you think the moon boys’ hobbies would be (if they weren’t so busy moon knighting). (For Steven, I feel like studying ancient Egypt is more like a passion, so like what else do you think he’d be into?)

K. Love you! Byeeeee.

IDJIDHVDHFH Oh my gosh, I love this ask so much! Thank you so, so, SO much for sending it! ❤️(ILY!) Did I think about this at work for a good 1 and 30 mins instead of working on a spreadsheet? No, of course not, I would never do that… 👀

I have narrowed it down to one each to save everyone from seeing my absolute madness.

Moon Knight Boys Headcanons & Hobbies

Rating: PG  Masterlist | ao3 | want to be tagged?

Warnings: Swearing

Steven: Cooking

Okay, here me out. So, I’ve seen opposite ends of opinion on this one (both are valid) but I’m going with Steven is a very good cook, and he likes cooking. 

He’s been vegan for a while and it’s only in the last couple of years that food places have really been trying with vegan and vegetarian options that aren’t salad… bread… (chips if you’re lucky) So, I think he enjoys making lots of different recipes. 

It started out with him just making vegan ones and then, over time, became him changing other recipes to make them vegan and coming up with his own. 

Absolute master at vegan cakes, no one can ever tell the difference, and, in fact, a lot of people compliment him on ‘the best cake they’ve ever had’, ‘so light and fluffy? How do you do it?’ “Well, that’s the secret, innit?” (whisk the aquafaba like your life depends on it and sweet potato) 

Steven is absolutely horrified by the food Marc makes himself. (Plain chicken, rice, spinach) 

“Where are the flavours Marc? At least some herbs? Spices for fuck’s sake? I can’t believe you’re eating plain steamed chicken?” (He doesn’t even care that it’s meat, it's just the lack of flavour.)

“It’s boiled chicken actually.”

Steven loses his goddamn mind. 

“I don’t care what bloody macronutrient you are monitoring, you are not eating that.”

It’s not that Marc can’t cook, he just doesn’t see the reason to put the effort in when it’s just for himself (doesn’t feel like he deserves it.)

Steven grumbles to himself and refuses to let Marc cook his own dinner if he can help it. “If you’re going to eat meat, at least treat it with respect, yeah? Bring out the flavour?” He usually preps something for Marc, so he can cook it quickly when he’s hungry. 

Makes so many cakes and pastries for Jake. Leaves them in boxes with ‘Jake :)’ written on a post stick note on the top. Jake is always so touched and surprised when he does. They have taken to playing a little game where sometimes the food is vegan and sometimes it’s not and Jake has to guess. He’s more accurate than most people, but it still only averages around 70% right. (69% if we’re being exact, and Marc is sure Jake’s messing with the correct statistics on purpose.)

Marc: Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Football

Literally takes it so seriously. Has spreadsheets filled with information and pours over every single statistic like it holds the answers to the universe. It only got more intense when he found a forum for people with the same interest and he literally will spend hours talking online about it.

“It’s not about getting the best players, it’s about making the best team.”

Jake has joked that he puts Steven and his love for history to shame and if those spreadsheets weren’t saved on the computer Marc would have boxes and boxes and folders upon folders of printed out info and then there would be zero space in the flat. 

When Marc annoys Steven, Steven tells him to “go play with your pretend american cricket and american rugby” to piss him off. 

(Marc retaliates by incorrectly pronouncing UK places. 

“Steven, maybe we should take a trip to Ed-in-b-row” 

“It’s Ed-in-bruh.” 

“How about Sus-SEX or Es-SEX?” 

“It’s Sus-SIX and Es-SIX.” 

“I do love Green-WITCH at this time of year.” 

“IT’S GREN-ITCH! Jake, you're from New York, how is Greenwich pronounced?” 

“I’m not getting involved.” 

“Ha! That’s because he agrees with me!”

When things get really heated, Marc threatens to make a cup of tea in the microwave. Steven says he doesn’t care because he makes coffee in the microwave all the time and it’s fine. Jake puts an end to it by saying hot chocolate tastes best with water and then laughing when both Marc and Steven gang up on him. 

“I cannot believe you think that mate.”

“You know how many different types of milk there are?”

“Absolutely disgusting.”

“Cow, goat, soya, almond, coconut, literally any of them instead.”)

Jake: Knitting

Wanted something to keep his hands busy, that he could pick up and put down, and that he could take in his cab when he was stationary and waiting for fares. 

Took to it a lot quicker than he thought it would, and can just zone out and knit. It helps keep him grounded. 

He feels like he has spent a lot of his time destroying and there is something so satisfying about being able to create. 

Once he mastered the stitch he quickly moved onto making clothes. Before Marc and Steven knew about him he used to knit jumpers for Steven and hide them in the wardrobe. 

Jake makes Marc a cartoony style baseball jumper that he also loves, and a thick cardigan for Steven that is covered in hieroglyphics (he spends months researching the language to get it to make some sense, and works in a dig at Khonshu in there and has Steven crying with laughter.) 

When they know about him Steven excitedly requests the “most garish and over the top Hanukkah jumper anyone has ever seen!” Jake does his best, presenting it to Steven (and trying to hide how nervous he feels) Steven loves it and refuses to take it off all winter. 

Most people think Jake has a stern glare when he wants, but you can never be sure if he’s planning your destruction or trying to work out how many balls of wool it would take to make someone your size a jumper.

____________________________________

Thank you for reading!

Taglist: @pleasurebuttonwrites @raven-rk @campingwiththecharmings @alexxavicry @mystinky-butt @cocodiem @oscarisaacsspit @welcometostayingawake @mbakubabe @solobagginses @melodygatesauthor @romanarose @pimosworld @jake-g-lockley

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[five-rivers]

Danger First chapter 16

Izuku could try to get the star back, but even without his quirk, Mr. Yamada was good at close combat.  He had to be, to break up the Bandomeer trafficking ring without any harm to the victims, who were being used as hostages!

“Come on, listener, the middle of a battle is no place for woolgathering!”

Izuku felt himself blush.  He hadn’t been woolgathering, he'd been assessing the situation.  

.

“You've got to learn to do that on the move, I'm afraid, Ninth,” said Nana.  

“He was doing just fine with that until he saw who it was attacking him this time,” said Banjo.  “Is it because he's a teacher?”

“I'm afraid it's because Izuku is a nerd,” said Yoichi, with mock grimness.  

“I bet you're just saying that because you've never had a teacher.”

“No, no,” said En, “he's got a point with this one.”

.

Izuku took a deep breath, then yelled as loud as he could.  “HEY, EVERYONE, THERE'S A STAR OVER HERE, PRESENT MIC'S GOT A STAR, EVERYONE COME AND GET IT!”

“Oh, man, listener, that’s just cruel.”

.

“You can't tell me that isn't at least a little devious,” said Third. 

“I don't want to hear that from a guy who lied to everyone about my entire life.”

.

“An interesting strategy there.”

“And a valid one.  Students who already have a star, or who are already engaged in a battle for one, won't risk a fight with a teacher, unlike those who don't.  Wonder can tell who has a star by seeing who is moving within earshot.”

“Indeed he can.  But let's not miss out on the rest of the battles taking place.  Froppy and Earphone Jack are having quite the showdown with Jack Mantis and Dragon Shroud–”

Izuku scanned his surroundings as he jogged away.  There were knots of battle, mainly class B fighting either each other or Izuku’s classmates, or hero students keeping packs of gen ed and support kids at bay, with varying levels of success.  

But there was the strange silver Kirishima, all by himself, and with a star in his hand.  Izuku was pretty sure he could take him.  Or at least steal the star from him.  They were almost halfway through the event, and at least Hatsume and Izuku still needed stars.  

The explosions Izuku had been hearing in the distance abruptly grew closer, and Izuku didn’t even need Danger Sense to know he had to dodge.  

“DEKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

The explosions cut off as Kacchan pulled back his right fist and barred his teeth in a kind of snarl.  

.

“Now that’s what I’d call telegraphing,” said Banjo.  

“Hm,” said En.  “If he’s really as smart as Ninth thinks, it might not be telegraphing.”

“Even smart people make stupid mistakes,” said Yoichi.  “We wouldn’t be here if they didn’t.”

“I object to your characterization of your brother,” said Hikage.  

.

Right hook, as always– Or was it?  He’d been getting the same lessons as Izuku.  At this point, shouldn’t he know not to–

Danger Sense decided for Izuku, the spike of real pain driving him to dodge the blow.  His next move was just as automatic, but driven by practice.  He grabbed Kacchan’s arm and used it to flip Kacchan over his head.  It worked, sort of, but Kacchan reacted fast enough to negate the flip with a blast of his quirk, and transformed the motion into a straight-down punch at the top of the arc.  Izuku ducked out of the way and rolled. 

He bounced back up, tapping Float just a little, to put a little extra spring in his step.  If Kacchan still didn’t know Izuku could Float, then he could use that to surprise him, if Kacchan got close again.  

He still needed a star.  

He licked his lips and looked over his shoulder.  Kacchan was just running, now, not using explosion to propel him.  As Izuku had half expected, he was reaching Explosion’s short-term limit.  

Then, he skidded to a stop, the ground in front of him abruptly more threatening than Kacchan behind him.  Was it one of the traps?

No.  No, it wasn’t, but what it was wasn’t much better.  Class B’s first recommendation student, Honenuki, who had made the area into a kind of swamp.  It seemed to be defensive in nature rather than offensive, but that didn’t make it less of an impediment.  

He turned around.  

“No one’s around to save you, Deku.”  Kacchan stepped forward menacingly.  “Whatever dirty tricks you used to get here, it’s over.”

Izuku swallowed and sidled sideways, trying to get into a better position.  

“You ignoring me?”

.

“He’s not ignoring you,” said Yoichi, clearly tense but trying not to show it.  

“Yeah!” said En.  “It’s just that he doesn’t think that what you’re saying is all that important.”

.

“No, I just don’t think that what you’re saying is very important,” said Izuku, before feeling all the blood drain out of his face.

Where had that come from?

.

“OOOOHHHHHHHHH!” said the ghosts.  

“Did you hear that?” said Yoichi, clutching En.  

“Did you hear that?” asked Nana, not speaking to the others, but Izuku.  “Did you hear us?”

.

Well, wherever it had come from, it certainly had the effect of making Kacchan madder than mad, which was, well, it was kind of the point.  

“YOUUUUU!” screamed Kacchan.  “DON’T YOU MOCK ME, DEKUUUUUUUUUU!”

“I’M NOT MOCKING YOU, I WANT TO BEAT YOU!” Izuku screamed back, which was really the wrong thing to say, but what was he going to do?  What was he going to say?

Kacchan came at him again.  Right hook?  Izuku could flip him over into Honenuki’s swamp–  No.  This one was a feint, and without Danger Sense, he never would have seen it coming.  There was– Kacchan was just really great at this kind of thing.  He had fighting instinct that Izuku couldn’t match.  

.

“That’s because you didn’t spend all of middle school getting into fights,” said Yoichi.  

“I think he did, though,” said En.  “Just… all with this kid.”

“Getting beaten up by this kid is what it sounds like,” said Banjo.  

“Okay, okay, whatever, help me think up a cool thing for Izuku to say to this jerk.  He might hear us again!”

.

Izuku danced along the edge of Honenuki’s swamp, barely staying out of reach of Kacchan’s blasts.  It was a matter of centimeters, in some cases, and the familiar scent of singed hair and clothing was getting pretty strong.  

And then, when he was considering floating away, even if he couldn’t use Kacchan’s surprise effectively in this situation, he tripped backwards over a bush.  On the plus side, Kacchan hadn’t been expecting the bush, either, and when Izuku rolled away, he spotted the tell-tale flare of Aoyama and Hagakure seriously messing someone up.  He bounced to his feet and ran towards them.  

And then, the ground opened up.  

“AND THE HALFWAY MARK ON THE CLOCK KICKS OFF OUR ROBO INFERNO!” said Ms. Kayama, to raucous cheering.

.

“Wow, modern people sure like their blood sports,” said Yoichi.  

“I remember super snuff ball was popular in the underground,” said Third.  “This is really nothing to write home about.”

“Yeah, but that was in the underground.”

Nana sighed.  “I hesitate to ask, but… super snuff ball?  Are you guys making things up?”

“When have I ever lied to you guys?” asked Yoichi.

“I would have said never, but then there’s the whole thing with Ninth’s… father.  And Third is just downright untrustworthy at this point.”

“Hey!”

“I think you have to take the L on this one, actually,” said En.  

Yoichi sighed.  “You have a point there, but Hikage will back me up.  Won’t you, Hikage?”

“Super snuff ball was the bane of all building inspectors in Japan.  Those poor basement supports…”

.

Izuku caught the yellow gleam of a star affixed to the head of one of the larger robots, and a grin - incredulous and wobbly, but still a grin - spread over his face.  All that time he'd spent obsessing over what he could have done differently in the entrance exam had been worthwhile after all!

He could do this!  

.

“Okay, I’m still– I don’t understand how the whole thing was supposed to work.”

“It wasn’t,” said Yoichi.  “It was just a bunch of people even more delusional than my brother acting out their death game fantasies while society broke down around them.”

“And destroying load-bearing walls,” said Hikage.

“That, too.”

.

The first thing Izuku did was jump down into the hole the robots had been hiding in.  Being down there was such a disadvantage in terms of maneuverability and elevation that Kacchan would be taken aback by the choice.  

“DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE A HERO WHILE HIDING LIKE A MOUSE, YOU FREAK?”

Or not.  Kacchan really had dropped down right after Izuku.  

Izuku dodged away, between the legs and treads of the emerging robot horde.  

.

“So, it wasn’t actually called super snuff ball by the people doing it?”

“You can’t even get a bunch of normal people to agree on terminology, you think a bunch of bloodthirsty murderers is going to be any better?”

.

A glance up at sounds of battle and falling metal debris showed a group of 1-B students - almost the same group as the one that had been knocked out of the air, earlier - attacking one of the star-wearing robots.  

“As we go on, we're starting to see more alliances between students!”

“Hm.”

As Izuku watched for larger falling scrap, he saw Hatsume swoop down and pluck the star from the other student’s grasp with an extendable claw.

Well, good.  That was one less thing to worry about, going forward.  

The boy with the comic speech bubble head made a loud noise, and his head turned into an enormous censor bar that unbalanced and broke not only the platform he and his classmates were standing on, but several nearby robots as well.  

As the robots tumbled into one another, they knocked loose metal paneling that rained down on Izuku and Kacchan.  Of course, the robots Kacchan didn't blast away restabilized themselves quickly and went back to shooting lasers and grabbing hapless students to carry them out of the stage.

.

“That’s it!  No more questions about super snuff ball!  Learn to enjoy the crazy blood sports you have in the here and now!”

.

Izuku grabbed a broad, shield-like piece of scrap and twisted, catching Kacchan's explosion with the metal.  He let it lift him, using just enough of Float to get him up above the robots’ heads before dropping again.  

“WHAT THE HELL!” shouted Kacchan from below.  “WHAT THE HELL?”

Kacchan had amazing lung capacity.  

Meanwhile, Izuku skidded across a robot's shoulder then jumped to another that was moving to the side of the hole.  He rode along with it for a bit, avoiding its cameras until it started to take aim at Shinsou and Kaminari, at which point Izuku distracted it and slammed his piece of scrap metal into a vital joint and–

Shinsou and Kaminari!

Izuku hopped off the disoriented robot onto grassy ground and ran to meet them.  He had to fight a couple more robots to get to them, but Kaminari was zapping any robots that got too close to him or Shinsou.  

As Izuku got closer, Shinsou faltered, doubling over to rest his hands on his knees.  “That guy,” he said, between sharp breaths, “just keeps going.”

“So did you, if you got this far.”

“Should we jump in?” asked Kaminari, gesturing vaguely towards the scrum of robots with the star he was holding In his left hand.  

“No, let Kacchan take care of it.”

Shinsou raised an eyebrow.  “Are you sure he's gonna be–?”

A larger than usual explosion cut him off, and Kacchan marched out of the flaming remnants.  “Again?” he snarled, sounding distinctly out of breath.  “When will you extras get a clue and realize this Deku's just gonna drag you down?”

Shinsou sneered.  “Why don't you get a clue and mind your own business, Kacchan?”

“You f–”

Kacchan's face went disturbingly blank and slack.  

“Give me your star and walk out of this arena,” ordered Shinsou.  

Kacchan, moving like a sleepwalker, did just that.  Izuku watched in amazement.  “Is he really going to just… do that?”

“Probably not,” admitted Shinsou, wiping sweat from his face.  “Maybe- Maybe if we were closer to the edge, but he'll probably snap out of it before then.”

“Hey, do you need any help finding a star?” asked Kaminari. “There's not much time.”

Izuku shook his head, already floating up.  “I'll get one from the robots.  You guys should find somewhere to hide.  Probably no one will look under the robots.”

“Ooh, good idea!”

“What the hell, they're still on fire!”

“Not all of them!”

Izuku looked around.  Hatsume had snatched the nearest star, but he'd seen others - there were too many people directly fighting robots, anyway, for that to be the only one.

There.  He let himself down again, and started running over, acquiring a few pieces of metal pipe and sheeting on the way.  He needed some way to fight.  

He reached the robots and went up, bobbing a few times to avoid being hit by the robot's lasers.  He landed, and narrowly avoided a fight between Ectoplasm (who was also in the PE uniform!  Wow!) and a class B student who was doing a credible job of hiding in Ectoplasm's shadow, but a less good job of retrieving the star Ectoplasm was keeping from him, even as the robot tried to flick them off its back. 

Izuku gritted his teeth, dropped to the robot's treads, and slammed his pipe into the most delicate-looking bit of machinery he could.  The robot didn't stop, but it stuttered, and Izuku shot back up in time to yank the star from Ectoplasm's hand and then kept going, out of Ectoplasm’s reach.  

Only a minute left.  He couldn't relax.  Not yet.  He flicked his eyes over the ground.  It looked like most people in the hero course had stars at this point, and they were all separating out, moving away from one another of their own accord in favor of keeping away the remaining students from other classes or avoiding teachers and robots.  

It seemed oddly peaceful up here.  Other than a bunch of gen ed students trying to snipe him again.  Speaking of Snipe, there he was with some kind of… improvised lasso?  Was it made out of Shiozaki's vines?  It was hard to see from up here. 

He spotted the shadow kid again, this time teaming up with one of classmates, the girl with the mushrooms, to attack Tokoyami and Dark Shadow.  

It was not a good combination.  

“Hatsume!  Do you have a spotlight?”  He was really just hoping for a really big flashlight, but anything would do.

Hatsume didn't waste time responding.  Instead, she pulled a lever and a spotlight - a full-sized stage spotlight - popped out of her backpack.  Just in time, too.  Dark Shadow dissolved with a startled cry that Izuku would definitely feel guilty about later, but the class B boy fell out of the vanishing shadows, too, letting Tokoyami shield his star.  

A horn sounded over the stadium.  The robots abruptly shut down, and all the fighting petered off.  

“Now, that was a wonderful display of talent!”

“Training is more important.”

“And what about passion?” Ms. Kayama interjected to the laughter of the crowd.  “Everyone with a star, please come up to the front stage.  Everyone else, please head to the medical area to be checked out!  If you're stuck, one of the teachers will be with you shortly.”

Izuku and Hatsume descended together.  “What d'you think the next event will be, Grappling Hook?”

“No idea,” said Izuku.  “It could also be something completely new.  Some kind of race?  Not capture the flag or anything based on resource gathering after this one…  It's usually at least based on an actual sport of some kind…  Hope they'llat least let us pick our own teams…”

“You think they won't?”

“Oh!” said Izuku, startled from his muttering.  “I mean, I hope they will?  They have in the past.  But there's no real guarrantee…”  

They reached the stage, and Izuku was glad to see that everyone in 1-A had made it, along with Shinsou.  Well, Todoroki wasn't there yet, but that seemed to be more because escaping from his ice castle took time, rather than because he hadn’t passed.  

The rest of the students present seemed to be from class B.  The shadow boy hadn’t made it.  

Kacchan had.

Izuku swallowed, and tried to keep as many people between himself and Kacchan as he could while navigating towards Tokoyami and Dark Shadow.  On the way there, he was greated with so many congratulations that people started calling him ‘Strawberry’ again.

“Sorry for the light,” he said, bowing.  

“Sometime light is the only available method of controling the darkness which besets us,” said Tokoyami, gravely.  

“Yeah!  Otherwise that guy would have crawled all over me!  It was gross.”

“Still,” said Izuku, “I wish I could have done more.  And now, whatever group I'm on is going to have to deal with Kacchan in the next event!  Things didn't go according to plan at all…  And I wasn't really able to help anyone…”

“Perhaps,” said Tokoyami, “but without your efforts, there would have been no plan at all.”

“He's right, Midoriya!” said Iida, energetically.  “Without your insights, our cooperation would have been lacking.”

“But everyone worked on the plan.  And Monoma is the one who came up with the idea of cooperating in the first place.”

Monoma slung an arm around Izuku's shoulders, nearly making him jump out of his skin.  “While I am pleased to accept your acknowledgement of my contributions, you were called up to the principal's office, too.  We must all share the blame.”

“What blame?” asked Uraraka.  “That was really fun, wasn't it?”

Todoroki finally climbed the stage, to scattered applause, and Ms. Kayama called them to order.  

“First, I'd like to say congratulations to all forty of you on making it this far!”  She paused, letting the audience cheer.  “But there are two more to go before we find the real winner!  Take a look at the stars you fought so hard for.”

The star in Izuku's hands made a small clicking noise.  He looked down to see that the seam around the outside edge had widened.  

“That's right, open them up and find your prize inside!”

Carefully, Izuku pried the two halves of the star apart.  Inside was a lot of shaped packing foam, a two thousand yen gift card to a local café, and… a badge?  He tucked the other half of the star under his elbow and pulled out the badge to inspect it more closely.  It was star-shaped, with a metallic edge and back, and a purple enamel front.  

There were words on it: UA SF 2XXX FIVE-LEGGED RACE TEAM 7.  

“Sweet!” said Dark Shadow, yanking an identical pin out of Tokoyami's hand.  “We're on the same team, Strawberry!”

“His hero name is Wonder, Dark Shadow,” said Tokoyami, swiping the badge back.  “But yes, it does appear as if we are to be compatriots in darkness.  What team are you on, Uraraka?”

“Team?  Oh!” said Uraraka, tearing her eyes away from the gift card.  “Right.  I’m on Team Nine.  Black.”

“So am I,” said Monoma with a sort of evil grin.  

“Go ahead and put on your badges,” said Ms. Kayama.  “And no swapping!  Our next event is a Five-Legged Race.  It's just like a three-legged race, but with five people!  We're going to have a one hour break for everyone to get patched up and make plans with their groups, and to prepare the arena for the event.  Make sure you take advantage of it!  Only the first four groups to get their whole team across the finish line will move on.”  Ms. Kayama put down the microphone.  “Seriously, go get checked out in the medical tent.  There’s always someone who has a worse injury than they think.  Come on.”

“-should I say?  Whoops.  Ahem.  Please enjoy viewing our recreational games, and select clips from the first event.”

.

“So, what do you think of the teams?” asked En, reading off the screen Izuku was looking at while waiting for his turn getting checked up.  

The list looked like this:

TEAM 1: RED - PLAMO, TWINKLE, DRAGON SHROUD, SHEMAGE

TEAM 2: ORANGE - B17, FROPPY, CELERITY, TENTACOLE

TEAM 3: YELLOW - TAILMAN, RED RIOT, MINES, RULE

TEAM 4: GREEN - A15, BATTLE FIST, MOCK, GEVAUDAN

TEAM 5: CYAN - ROCKETTI, CHARGEBOLT, ANIMA, MUDMAN

TEAM 6: BLUE - INVISIBLE GORILLA, SUGARMAN, CELLOPHANE, EMILY

TEAM 7: PURPLE - LIZARDY, B12, WONDER, TSUKUYOMI

TEAM 8: MAGENTA - SPIRAL, WELDER, RIPLEY, COMICMAN

TEAM 9: BLACK - URAVITY, MR. MIRROR, BRIGID, EARPHONE JACK

TEAM 10: WHITE - CREATI, JACK MANTIS, VINE, REAL STEEL

“Team Nine is going to blow everyone else out of the water,” said Banjo.  “They won’t even have to run.  They’ll just do the rocket thing, and boom, that’s it.”

“For being random, the other groups aren’t bad, either,” said Nana.  “I can see that some groups will have more trouble being fast than others, but that’s not the only aspect of this race.  You have to be able to work with others.  Ability to attack or impede other groups also matters.”  She paused for a long moment.  “Of course, Team Nine will still win–”

.

Izuku adjusted the spare PE uniform he'd been given.  He hadn’t really needed it, his original hadn't been that singed, but the upperclassman assisting Recovery Girl had given him a look and said, “No costume malfunctions this year.”  Which Izuku really couldn't argue about.  So.  

“You Midoriya?” asked a tall, thin girl with green hair.  

“Uh, yes, yes, that's me.  You're Tokage?”  Tokage, if Izuku remembered correctly, was class B's other recommendation student, and probably the owner of the half a head he'd seen at the beginning of the first event. 

“Got it in one.  Betcha you're wishing you were on the green team too?” she asked, tugging her own hair.

“Um, not really?”  If anything, he would rather be on Team Nine.  

She laughed.  “Come on, I already met your spooky friend, but Tsuburaba fell out of the sky so many times they're checking him out real carefully.”  She half turned, motioning him to follow.

“R-right!  He's the one who can make invisible platforms?”

“More than platforms,” said Tokage, “but he can explain better than I can.”

“Ah!  Midoriya!” called Iida, power walking towards them.  Tsuyu and Shouji were caught in his wake.  “Wait a moment, please!”  He stopped a few feet away, and bowed deeply to Tokage.  “I apologize for my rudeness, this will only take a minute.  Midoriya, I– That is to say, we–”

“We're not going to stand down just because we're grouped with Bakugou, kero,” said Tsuyu.  

“But we apologize in advance for anything–”

“No, no,” said Izuku.  “S-sorry!  But he's always been that way, I wouldn't hold it against you, no matter how he acts.”

“That's why we must apologize!” said Iida.  

“Oh.  Um.  I accept your apology?”

.

“Is it bad of me that I was hoping they'd say they were going to throw the match?” asked Yoichi.

“Yes,” said Hikage.

.

Tokage led Izuku a few more steps away, to where Tokoyami was sitting on a bench, feeding apple slices to Dark Shadow.

“Can she eat those?” Izuku asked, fascinated. 

“Not really, but she likes the texture,” said Tokoyami, wiping his hands off on his legs.  “I see you have found our present compatriot.”

“Yes!” said Izuku.  

“So,” said Tokage, “I was thinking this'd be a good time to share our quirks and make a plan.”

Izuku nodded and pulled out his notebook.  “Great!  I have a few questions I wanted to ask you about how you levitate your pieces and whether one piece is considered the ‘main’ piece and how much force you can apply and–”  

.

“When did he even get the chance to pick up that notebook?” asked Nana.  

“I think it was in the waiting room, when he passed through to go to the bathroom,” said En.  “But since we're between events, I have just one more question about super snuff ball.”

“Ugh,” said Yoichi.  “Fine.”

“What happened to it?  Like, there are still underground fighting rings or whatever, but not actual murder games.”

“Well, it turns out that if you steal all of the money from the guys making book for those places, the whole setup sort of falls apart.”

En blinked, then turned to Third.  “Why didn't you tell that story instead of the Dumas ones?”

[doctorvictoria10]

A stressful admission: Part 2

Tags - ED admission, nervous patient, slight cardio, slight ageplay, medical trauma, comfort.

It felt like her heart jumped out of her chest. A flash of different emotions quickly cycled through her, firstly fear, then shock, and then embarrassment.

“Um, yeah, come in.” She spoke timidly, unsure of who was on the other side of the door. There were several doctors she worked with who she definitely didn’t want it and to be, only maybe one or two that she would actually feel comfortable with. Maybe this was all a terrible idea and she should’ve stuck with the rushed ED doctor. A tall, broad figure poked his head around the curtain and she was so surprised - it wasn’t who she was expecting at all.

“Chloe!” The familiar voice called out gently. “I’m sorry you’ve been waiting so long. I only just got the call to ask if I could come and assess you. All of the OB doctors were busy - a few are off sick so they’re covering each others clinics too! I know we don’t know each other that well but we cross paths every now and then don’t we!” He spoke cheerily.

It took Chloe a while to take it all in. Doctor Jack Canning, a pediatrician, stood before her. She’d been at emergencies where he was there before, he liased closely with her department as there was often an overlap between their professions. He was always smiling, calm and composed, but she’d never really had a proper chat with him before, or gotten to know him.

“Oh, hi. Um, thanks for coming!” She spoke timidly.

He took in her anxious energy and worried expression, she didn’t look her normal self at all. “Are you okay?” He asked seeming genuinely concerned.

She let out a light laugh “Yeah, apart from a case of extreme embarrassment at this whole situation, I’m fine. I just, I collapsed and got brought in. And then I woke up and two people were planning to poke me with needles, and I really hate being a patient, it all got too much and I guess I freaked out.” She admitted shyly, trying to explain why he’d been called out of his day looking after babies to deal with his 26 year old, definitely not a baby, coworker in ED.

He nodded slowly. “May I sit?” He gestured to the bed. Chloe nodded her consent. “Chloe, you don’t need to be embarrassed. I read your notes, I saw you told the doctor before that you had medical trauma from when you were a child. Your reaction to waking up and hearing plans of IV’s and finger pricks and all sorts is completely understandable. It’s scary for someone who hasn’t had the experiences you’ve had, let alone someone who’s also worked in the medical field and knows that not all professionals are kind and patient like we are.” He spoke seriously, and it made her feel validated in the strangest way. She nodded slowly, agreeing with everything he was saying, and she let her fake smile she’d forced herself to wear to downplay the situation slide away. And left was a scared little girl who was terrified of being put in the same situation as she was in seventeen years ago when she was rushed to emergency surgery in agony and fear.

Jack let her sit with that for a moment. Then he continued in a serious but gentle voice. “I agree with the plan the ED doctor has made, the tests and treatments he wants done. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept them, you have a choice, if you let me look after you or not. If you let me look after you, we can take it slow, do it at your pace. We can see how we can maybe make things easier for you. If you won’t let me look after you, I can get you a self discharge against medical advice form and you can sign that and leave whenever you want. It’s up to you, but I’d strongly advise the former option, and I think you know it’s for the best.” He spoke, so gently it was almost soothing. His words resonated with her and seemed to calm her right down. This was her choice, she was an adult now, not a little girl, she could leave whenever she wanted. Jack saw all these thoughts running through her head, her eyes focused.

“I can see you're getting lost in your own head there. Come back to me.” He said quietly. Her eyes met his and she was snapped out of her chaotic thoughts about the situation.

“Isn’t this weird for you? I’m sorry I’ve pulled you away from your work, you must think I’m really weird and silly. You work with babies and kids, and I’m just an adult who’s stressing out about something that I really should be able to deal with.”

Chloe blurted out, blushing in frustration at herself and her inability to keep her anxiety under control.

He pondered what she’d said, and then began slowly. “Looking after babies, they need constant attention and kindness. Precision and accuracy is imperative. I care for them, make them better and I nurture them. And I’d love to do the same for you if you’d let me.” He held her gaze.

Chloe looked at him shyly, she felt herself retreating inwards again, feeling cared for wasn’t a feeling she was used to, her cheeks felt like they were on fire. She felt so embarrassed at the situation she was in. He sensed her embarrassment and hesitation, so he continued.

“Don’t you think this is a little too unlikely? You’re here, sick. You have medical trauma from an emergency surgery when you were critically unwell as a child, and now you’re sitting here with another pediatrician who wants to help you not only in the present, but maybe I can help you heal that inner child, that scared little girl at the same time too.” He smiled gently.

She thought for a moment, this wasn’t a likely situation, and he did seem to genuinely care. The knowledge that she could leave at any time felt safe and reassuring. Slowly she nodded. “Okay. Yeah, if you think it’ll be okay.”

“I think it’s a great idea, and I’m really glad I can look after you and hopefully get you feeling better. Just keep communicating with me okay? I’m not going to do anything without your consent, so you let me know if you’re not feeling comfy and we can reassess together.” He promised.

Chloe nodded at him, and he nodded back.

“Okay then. Let’s get started!” He lightly clapped his hands together. “Can you undress and put this gown on for me?” He held up a pale blue hospital gown. Jack sensed her apprehension, “I’ll need to run some cardiac tests, and palpate your abdomen, this’ll make it easier for us both!” He explained.

Chloe slowly and groggily reached for the gown. She felt so weak still. She dropped it beside her on the bed and started trying to shimmy out of her dress.

“Would you like me to help you?” Jack asked her, seeing her struggle with the fabric in her feeble state.

He was going to see her top half bare anyway, if it was now or in five minutes, did it really matter? Chloe internally questioned herself. “Yes please.” She spoke quietly, lifting her arms up for Jack to assist lifting the dress over her head. He quickly had her in the gown and she was laying back against the pillows soon enough.

“You feel cold Chloe, can I get you a blanket?”

“That would be great, it’s freezing in here!” She rubbed her arms. With a gentle smile and nod, Jack was heading out of the room. He returned quickly with two beige blankets in his arms.

“These are from the warmer!” He draped one around her shoulders and one over her body. The warmth felt so comforting and she felt herself relax into the bed. “Now Chloe, where would you like to start?” He asked carefully. When she didn’t reply and just stared at him with wide eyes he offered, “If you’re happy for me to take the lead, I’d like to get an IV in so we can take bloods and get the results processing whilst we do the rest of the exam. I can also be giving you some fluids and if you like, a relaxant for your nerves?”

Chloe nodded slightly, eyes still wide. He watched her, concerned but also interested.

“Chloe, I can see you’re retreating into yourself, and that’s completely okay, but I’m going to need a verbal confirmation before I do this. I’m going to put in an IV, take bloods, start fluids and give you a relaxant medication. Once you’re relaxed, I’m going to check your blood sugar, assess your heart and feel your tummy. I’m going to look after you throughout, I’m not going to cause you any unnecessary discomfort or upset, I’m going to be as gentle with you as I can. Can you say ‘Yes, that’s okay’?” He looked at her for a long moment.

“Yes, that’s okay” Chloe spoke quietly, in a voice that wasn’t quite her own. It sounded childlike, vulnerable. Her little space caught her off guard. It was usually controllable, she could choose when to drop and when not to, but this situation and Jack were pulling it out of her.

Jack gave her a knowing look and smiled softly. “Okay then, let’s begin.” 🖤

[unknown-drug]

A GUIDE TO SURVIVE

All the things I wish someone would I told me before descending in this Hellhole.

🦋 ️ If you were thinking about diving into the EDs World for the first time, go back and think again (this is not worth it, I swear to every God in this universe. Just run as far as you can from it) But if sadly you are, you have to be completely educated.. Do some research about everything it consists of. Literally get as much information as you can (pros and cons, nutrition, exercises, side effects, long/short terms, overuses of anything, etc). There is so much more than diet and food involved, so just don’t be stupid about it.

🦋 ️EDs DON’T HAVE NUMBERS. Someone who is 200+ pounds is as valid as someone who is 100 and under. Stop bullying people because they are heavier or lighter than you are. Society fucks us enough so no need to add more hate. We are all in the same shit anyways… No one has the same body as you. Your number compared to others might not look the same. So yes, your thinspo is all cute but you have to consider all the criterias. Genetics, overall stats, gender.. Weight is just a number among many other things.

🦋 Weighing yourself every single day is NOT the most effective or accurate way to see/track results. The scale can shift up to 5 lbs a day (minus or plus, I know this is insane). Some specialists recommend doing it 1-3 times a week, always on the same day, so that you can see a more accurate graph of the fluctuation. (Keep in mind that you have to account for any hormonal changes/cycles when it comes to your result, I suggest comparing each week of your cycle with one another.)

🦋 You should consider using other methods to track your progress other than weighing yourself like a tape measurement can be really effective for body dysmorphia and if you have access to a gym ask them to check your body fat percentage. You would be surprised to see just how much it can help. Because at some point, the balance between muscle and fat is so small that physical change won’t be as noticeable. But seeing actual results from other means can really boost your mental state.

🦋 Those who will notice “the problem" won't be the ones you want. And those who are really there for you are not always the one you thought would be.. But do not throw away the help if you need it.

🦋 Do not beat yourself too hard if you slip up. It might get you to binge 10x harder, too. Nobody is perfect. We all binge once in a while. The weight did not appear out of thin air. It is a work in progress..

🦋🦋🦋

I know there is this big debate about the famous “body reset” metabolism day. Some say it helps others would disagree. It's the same thing when I come to fasts and detox/cleanse. At this point, you can follow whoever you wish. All of these help to some degree but aren't necessarily what your body needs. You need to have a good understanding of your system before committing to anything. To each their own.. All studies point to a “sort of reset” but there is not a universal way of doing it. So yes, here are your most common options, but this would depend on too many specifics to have a straight answer. There is no on/off switch when it comes to your body, yes it can feel like it “slowed down” but it is just because your body takes more time to use whatever it has to formulate energy. It takes your organism unequal time to synthesize different food - fat compared to carbs or even muscular tissues. This is why it is not just about the starvation aspect of your ED. It is also important to look at what you're feeding yourself with. Not all diets work the same and provide the same amount of energy. Choose your own path, but just be aware of all the knowledge you can put your hands on.

🦋🦋🦋

✨️✨️✨️ There is no magical pill, no tea bullshit and no fucking food miracle to lose weight. Yes there are some meds that can help (laxative, diuretic and appetite suppressant) but it is mostly out of side effect. Ultimately, your body will get used to them so they will feel like they aren't working anymore and you will feel the need to take more. Do not take more than the recommended amount. Be extremely careful if you are using them and please if you see anything out of the ordinary talk to professionals. Medications without the proper follow up can be horribly harmful in the long run. ✨️✨️✨️

🦋 TAKE YOUR FUCKING VITAMINS. I can't stress that enough but you need them just to make sure your body won’t rupture. It can prevent so many side effects to EDs and even trips to the hospital. Look for multivitamin, biotine, B-complex, folic acid (ladies), iron, potassium and magnesium… See to have some blood work done every year just to see where/or if you are lacking anything crucial.

🦋 DRINK YOUR GODDAMN WATER , BITCH. Your body will give up faster if you don't drink enough water compared to food. If you are fasting or anything, this shit is MANDATORY. And no, coffee, coke zero and teas should not count in your water intakes (sorry). It is so important for weight loss, plateaus and in general. The general rule is about 2L a day but you will need more depending on your lifestyle. There is many any calculators online or you can just go with the basic **1500mL - 20(weight in kg-20)= x**. It is the average amount in mL you should aim for.

🦋 Doing the same exercises over and over again will not help you lose weight. In fact, it is quite the contrary. You will have to switch it up, do cardio (even if it sucks), and try weight lifting (nooo it is not gonna make you look bulky.. Lean muscle burns more calories even though it weighs more.), find a sport that you like, yoga and pilates count, and even dancing is a good way to lose weight. You don’t have to spend endless hours in the gym (if you want to, go for it), 4 exercises is a good workout, and 30 mins a day every day is the bare minimum. Walking is quite underestimated but is actually pretty effective. Have fun with it cause it will be easier to stick to it and not dread it.

🦋 Sleep is MANDATORY. Don't think that staying awake all night doing exercises is helping you. In fact, your metabolism will go down 10 to 20 % if you sleep less than 6 hours a night. Get the rest you need.

🦋Food is not the enemy. When it becomes your aly it’s going to be a blessing. At the end of the day, you need the nutrients, So stop working against it and make it a tool for you to reach all your goals. It can get you the body that you want without too much work tbh.

🦋 ️ You guys have to stop with the famous “breakfast is the most important meal of the day”. If you were to look deeper into things you would know that the word originates from “breaking a fast” because it is the first meal after a long period of fast (when you sleep) depending on how long and everything but technically it still applies. So yes, it does help to kick start your metabolism, but there are many other ways to do so. Do what works for your lifestyle. Intuitive eating can really help with the disorder.

🦋Not all diets are going to work for you. Don't get discouraged. Try a few and see what works. Keep in mind to incorporate a little bit of every food group (if possible) to make sure you won't lack any crucial nutrients. Again, do your research.

🦋When reaching your GW or UGW, you may still feel unhappy. Yes, it feels like if you were skinnier, the world would turn around and become a wonderful place to be, but it’s not necessarily the case. It is not a magical way to solve all your problems, so be aware of possible disappointments.

🦋Keep yourself accountable. Stop blaming others or your life for things you have done. At the end of the day, you are the one doing everything. Excuses are not gonna help you achieve anything.

🦋The saddest part about this is that the sense of control is only temporary... If you have any other mental illnesses, it can mess you up so bad.. Mixing everything can be a lot at times, and I know how overwhelming it is to do all that by yourself. But, one way or another, you will have to go up against your demon and fight them or die trying.. Literally.

🦋This is not all rainbows and unicorn illnesses. It is hard to live through and even harder to witness it on someone else. You will cry, you will scream, and you will feel depressed and hopeless at times. Try to get someone you can talk to or vent to. This is why the online community is a huge part of EDs. Don't keep it all inside. It will break you.

🦋If you ever relapse after more than a year of recovery, you have to keep in mind that your body has changed. Especially if it went through puberty or if it is somewhere in your adulthood. If you plan on using the same old tricks you did as a teenager, I am sorry to announce to you that it might not work. Your relapse is like a whole new ED. You have to relearn everything about your body. It has adjusted to your harsh treatment and will definitely not cooperate the way it did before.

🦋If you are not ready mentally for recovery, it will NEVER happen. It cannot be forced. Recovery is the hardest part of the illness, but it is doable. And it takes time. It is not something that can be done overnight. Be patient, and at the end of the day, love yourself. But keep in mind that even fully recovered, the numbers won't magically stop in your mind. It will stay there as an afterthought. Some can live with it, and some can’t. If you need help, go get some.

🦋Calorie Counting🦋

So this is the most controversial topic of all but fuck it. This is my blog anyway I do what I want. Do with this information as you please. I am no doctor, just a bitch with a pharmacy and nutrition background.

🦋If you are to calculate calories, there are two crucial details you have to account for; your BMR (basal metabolic rate) and macronutriments.

🦋For macros, learn what they are and how to use them. It’s not just a question of fat, carbs, and protein. Look into understanding food labels and portion size and the percentages it represents in your daily food.. Especially when it comes to dry and wet food (ex: food labels on pasta and rice are for quantity when it is dry). It can really make a difference at the end of the day to have a good ratio of each group.

Most diets given by your trainers or dieticians are based on your BMR. Depending on how they calculated it, your exercise is already accounted for. So, in that case, you can not add your “active calories burned” from your smartwatch or whatever in your own calculations, thinking you can eat more or lose more. If you do so it’s going to nullify your progress for the day.

First, calculate your BMR (and no I’m not going to get involved in the gender debate, so use what you want).

Men= 66 + (6.23 x weight lbs) + (12.7 x height inch) - (6.8 x age in years)

Women= 655 + (4.35 x weight lbs) + (4.7 x height inch) - (4.7 x age in years)

Then multiplyz it by your activity level, and you will get your calories to maintain your actual weight. (1.2 = nothing, 1.375 = lightly, 1.55 = moderate). **I recommend just sticking with the lowest activity level possible since you want to know the minimum deficit of calories you can consume. So either do the 1.2 or not.

Now look into your goal. How much weight do you want to lose and by when ? The rough estimate is that 1 lbs = 3500 cals.

Let’s say you want to lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks. You will need to burn about 35,000 cal total in 6 weeks = 5,834 cal / week = 834 cal / day. (This is your deficit). Take your BMR again and subtract the last number to see how much your allowance is (ex: a BMR of 1800 means that your diet would be 1800 - 834 = 966 cal a day) It’s only a rough estimate. Because your BMR changes from day to day depending on the amount of stuff you do. If your deficit ends up negative, you need to revise your goal because on paper, it is unachievable and highly dangerous.

✨️✨️ Like I said , everything is just an estimate. Water weight and hormonal cycle are not included in this little math. ✨️✨️

🦋Purging🦋

You have to understand a few things before even thinking about doing it

🦋The biggest thing about purging is the long-lasting consequences. The acid in your stomach is extremely harmful. Think about it. It literally dissolves organic stuff to virtually nothing. There are a lot of medical problems that are linked to purging.

🦋The calorie absorption starts as soon as you begin chewing your food. There is acid that is released through your spit (yes, even if it is less acidic than your stomach, it is still there). So the famous method “chew and spit” is not the best because it is still harmful to your mouth health.

🦋 Purging is not a miracle erase switch. There is no Uno Reverse here. Even if you were to purge the entirety of your stomach, and that only a mere second after finishing eating, your body has already absorbed a portion of the calories ! A general rule is that about 1/3 to 2/3 of the calories will be left behind.

🦋 Now, even after all that you do purge, DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH RIGHT AFTER. I swear to God that this is the worst thing you could do. 🦋

🦋If you were to ask the dentist when is the best time to brush your teeth in the morning, they would all agree that you can do it right after you wake up or 30-60 minutes after consuming food because of the acid mentioned earlier. Imagine how bad it would be after vomiting. So after a purge, you should try to swish some bicarbonate and water to bring the pH down and swallow half a glass to ease up your mouth, esophagus, and stomach. (I do 1 tbsp for 1 cup of water).

🦋Also, DO NOT PURGE if you don't drink enough liquid in your stomach. It is easier to do it when you do not only have solid shit in and less gross. Also it helps to reduce the acidity when it comes out.

🦋 Unfortunately, not all people have a gag reflex. Some studies show that nearly ⅓ of the population claim to feel it. Furthermore, it is shown that people who use any tobacco substance or other smoking substitute may be more prone to experience the lack of it. But it might also be that your body got used to your “mia” methods, thus being more resistant to where and how you are doing it. In that case, specialists point to other factors that can trigger it. So people will have a reaction caused by smell, others would find it with different stimulus points such as the roof of the mouth, back of the throat, tongue and near the tonsils. Moreover it can help to change the “tool” you are using (like going with something with a different texture like a cotton swab or the dental wood stick since it might help to trigger the reaction).

With that being said, if there is one thing you should remember about this whole thing is to be careful and aware.

Stay safe lovies. 🦋

[leonsgotit]

OFMD S2 SPOILERS ‼️

in season 1, stede was constantly putting his feelings ahead of other people’s—he put his own feelings ahead of mary’s and his kids’ when he ran away in the middle of the night to become a pirate and when he left ed at the dock to return to his family (and yeah, stede thought he was protecting ed from him when he did it and he was in distress after having been kidnapped and then witnessing his childhood bully accidentally shoot himself in the head and i’m not discounting that at all!! but he also ran because he was afraid of how fast things were moving with ed), and he does it in other little ways all throughout the season but i think these two examples are the most important ones.

he puts his own feelings in front of other people’s up until mary tries to kill him and he realizes how he’s sort of messed everything up for her by returning, as well as realizing his feelings for ed. then, stede fakes his own death and gives up everything he has to return to ed.

now, in season 2, we see stede constantly putting the feelings of others before his own. he sets aside his own feelings about izzy to rescue him and the rest of his crew so they can take back the revenge. he doesn’t like izzy, but stede can tell that he’s important to frenchie and jim and archie and fang, and he knows izzy was important to ed, so he sets aside how he feels and saves izzy, too.

stede does everything in his power to protect ed when he wakes up (comes back from death), but when the crew speaks their mind, stede again sets aside his own feelings for them. they aren’t comfortable with ed being on the ship anymore, and even though stede has spent months and months searching for him, and even though stede cried and begged for ed to come back, he doesn’t try to fight the crew when they’ve made their decision. even though watching ed leave the revenge must break his heart.

stede tries to give ed the space he wants from him, he doesn’t push to make ed understand why he left the dock that night, and when ed gets angry upon learning that stede “left him for mary,” stede doesn’t try to explain what happened in full. he lets ed be angry, he respects ed’s need for space.

when he tries to tell ed he loves him, and ed pushes stede away, stede respects that boundary that ed has set. he tells him instead that he loves everything about him, being near him, and breathing the same air—and stede tells ed he doesn’t have to say it back.

when stede finds that “cursed” red suit that he loves so much, he puts himself first for a little while—but when it becomes apparent that the crew won’t be comfortable until the suit is gone, stede puts them first. he gets rid of the suit and validates their feelings about it. even though he really loved that suit.

and we love character development—we love to see stede growing as a person and learning to put other people’s needs and feelings before his own—but it’s like from zero to one hundred right now. stede is putting other’s (particularly ed’s) feelings before his own, because he feels guilty about what happened in season 1. and because, i believe, he’s still thinking about what chauncy badminton said to him—that he ruins beautiful things and that he ruined ed. so he’s over-correcting in order to fix what he thinks he is responsible for breaking.

it almost seems like stede doesn’t think his feelings are important anymore, that he has to completely ignore how he feels in order to make amends with everyone, especially ed.

he needs to find a healthy balance of acknowledging and validating his own feelings while also being able to put other people’s feelings in front of his own when appropriate!!

which is why i think he and ed need to actually TALK about what happened that night at the dock. they need to sit down and lay it all out, cards on the table, no stone left unturned.

stede needs to tell ed that chauncy kidnapped him from his bunk at gunpoint, he needs to tell ed exactly what chauncy said to him about how he ruins beautiful things, and how he brought blackbeard to ruin. likewise, ed needs to tell stede why he immediately thought stede had just ditched him—he needs to tell stede why he didn’t think to go looking for him that night and jumped to the conclusion that stede had changed his mind.

THEY NEED TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER!!!

[shantalanadevil]

Nicholas Galitzine and his team have definitely decided that going mainstream is the goal and anything that they control will not "remind" people of his most famous queer role. Least he loses the newly acquired wine mom demographic and potentially the possible dude-bro one (that is expected with the new role that was just announced.

For more in- depth thoughts, you can read the below, which goes over why and how you can still enjoy the sequel (I plan to do that), even if you don't like the current events.

At least now people can't hide behind the "social media'' clause because of another production when there were questions why he isn't announcing the sequel on his social media. Even if casting announcements on an actor's own socials are never part of what is considered promotion for a project (trade announcements are, but that is done by the studio), actors WANT to do them as it's announcing they are booked and busy, thus it is part of their professional branding.

Thus when they don't do it, people who are familiar with the industry take notes. 

Does it mean most people online will do a nuanced discussion on why the only white, straight and male actor from the main cast of a queer com-rom has decided not to put the trade announced sequel anywhere on his socials?

No, people will either do the simplifications of "He loves RWRB, why does it matter if he hasn't posted on Instagram on it" (the majority) or "He is homophobic and needs to be recast" (a very small minority) camps. 

The first camp loves the movie and has an emotional attachment to the character, which quite often transfers to actors. But in their wish to spare their own feelings they will try to silence the voices of people who are right to ask the valid questions on how an actor is using his own social media to highlight the work they WANT highlighted. And how they can ignore the work they DON'T want highlighted.

This isn't speculation. This is how Hollywood works and there social media isn't used the same way normal people use it. It is a work tool. 

The second camp will boil the whole situation down to personal homophobia and call it a closed case. Which is as bad as the first camp, as this just makes the first camp and pure NG fans defensive (as NG personally hasn't shown any signs of that) and stops any possible valid discussion.

As I mentioned in a previous post shortly after the sequel was announced, his team's strategy has been obvious for months, but they really f***ed it up in May. 

They could have shared 1-2 stories about the announcement (even if grid is some standard, as shown yesterday) and they could have avoided 90% of the issue by doing the bare minimum. They *decided* to not even do that. Which spells things even more clear out. 

Wine moms and dude-bros are more valuable than queer people. And most likely in terms of possible money they are not wrong. Those demographics aren't also known for being very rainbow friendly. Why do you think it is so hard for out actors to get roles in movies targeted at that demographic? 

So NG and his team did the simplest of maths equation and came up with = don't highlight anything RWRB related on your socials so as not to scare out those two pools. The M&G finale story isn’t queer focused so that was approved (and further showed there is no social media clause for other projects, as that falls under the umbrella of promotion). 

This is the same thought process that keeps *actual* queer actors in the closet. So I'm not surprised that the team of a straight actor is operating under the same assumption in terms of personal branding. 

Does this excuse the handling of RWRB? No, and thus I don't care much about his other projects. Which I have the right to do.

Does it lower my excitement for the sequel? No, as he is a good actor and I care about Henry, not about NG (because of his own actions). I care way more about the RWRB story than I do for an actor who is just doing his job. 

For the people that feel hurt by his actions and this is making it difficult to be excited for the sequel, I am truly sorry and I hope by the time when the sequel comes out and the contractual part of the promotion is here you will be able to find a way to enjoy the project itself. 

For the people that claim to love RWRB and are dismissing any valid criticism towards how NG is using his work tools to treat a project you claim to love, you sound a little like the people in a relationship who claim you are ok with being the secret partner. Some really are. But most? Just use it as an excuse not to have to look the truth in the eyes, as that will hurt them.

For the people who love NG and just look at RWRB as one of his jobs, you actually have no staks in this specific discussion, you are winning. Unless you are one of the few morons who go out of their way to shit on RWRB and its fans and are purposely going into those spaces to be nasty. Then you can jump off a high place. Or the ones who take any, even valid, criticism of their *fave* as a personal attack. You can touch some grass.

Just needed to vent a little bit as I was getting fed up with people on Twitter from the first camp moaning how social media doesn’t matter and all should just look at the good stuff. 

Lastly, for anybody asking, but why did he sign on for the sequel if he and his team think like this? Because most if not all studio films have a possible sequel clause in the contract for any film and as long as the studio wants to do so and fulfils some mentioned in the contract obligation (could be money, could be script), they have a pretty easy way of getting actors back.�� 

[uselessheretic]

When it comes to Ed and addressing his issues around things like mental health, trauma, and anger issues, I understand the kneejerk reaction to deny that he has any of those traits due to not wanting to stereotype him, but I don't think that really solves much. Ed is someone who is severely traumatized, forced into a world where he had to take care of himself from a young age, and never given a chance to learn things like healthy coping mechanisms. He's going to develop in ways that are maladaptive as he searches for a way to just survive.

A lot of the time, people will say things like "Ed doesn't have anger issues because whenever he gets mad he's valid" and I get it, I do, but it just? Doesn't work that way? When a room full of people makes fun of you, you can't just go in there and shoot everyone even if they hurt your feelings. Not just because that's a wild ass thing to argue as correct, but because it directly endangers himself and others. Even if he's fucking Blackbeard, that's still a huge risk of him being harmed. Characters like Oluwande and Frenchie would also be at risk where maybe people can't stab Blackbeard, but it's possible someone might take a chance on one of his companions if they think they're a part of this.

Denying that these problems exist doesn't do anything. It doesn't strengthen his character and it doesn't engage with him in a way that humanizes him to allow for growth. He's not gonna marry Stede and suddenly never be angry again and nobody ever makes him feel sad ever again!

I understand that the thought process here is that men of color are stereotyped to be angry and violent, and therefore, it's racist to interpret Ed as having these traits. That doesn't really solve anything though because it doesn't engage with the problem past a surface level. Moc are stereotyped as being angry... Why? Because it's a way to justify enacting state violence and control them. Sure, you can say "Ed isn't angry though so there's no need to put him through the system" but that narrows the scope down to him as an individual that relies on him never being angry to rescue him from that.

Because what happens when moc are angry? When they are violent and you're not able to just deny that and move on? Do we just abandon them?

Obviously not. When we base a person's humanity off a prerequisite that they can't embody any of the negativity the state is seeking to control, we inadvertently justify the violence imposed onto those less able to hold themselves to, frankly, impossible standards. It's another way of trying to appeal to respectability politics.

So instead of denying these parts of Ed, we can look more closely at them.

Ed's moments of anger are often prompted by him experiencing hurt. He's made fun of, he's been tricked, a snake fell on him, he feels abandoned. He has a tendency to go from zero to one hundred very quickly, and often will react to things with the same level of intensity regardless of what is actually triggering it. This makes sense though when you remember that he's a severely traumatized person who went through substantial abuse as a child! Often, people experiencing things like c-PTSD lose their ability to accurately gauge threat levels, meaning that if they want to survive, they are on constant high alert for any possible danger. Anger is a natural reaction to this, and his trigger for going off is hypersensitive as a result. Something like this helps explain why Stede leaving him, and Izzy subsequent antagonism, hit him like a fucking truck.

When Ed expresses anger, it often comes coupled with reminders of his trauma and greatest insecurities. Making fun of him for growing up in poverty, saying he can't have friends, poking at his breakup and fear of abandonment. He has direct flashbacks to his childhood with some of these, becoming forced to relieve times when he was at his most powerless. This lack of power pushes him to try and regain that control. He's not poor! He has more riches than you can shake a stick at! You can't make fun of him for how he eats, do you have any idea who he is? He's fucking Blackbeard! Choose your next works carefully, dog, and decide if you want to bring up Stede anymore.

It's instinct. As much as jerking your hand away from a burning iron. He's being hurt, he needs to make it stop.

But it doesn't work. Not only does it not work, Ed knows it too. He may have more riches, but the French captain will still view him as something vulgar. He's fucking Blackbeard, but what does it matter if the party will continue laughing at him? "There he is..." The Blackbeard who Stede abandoned, the same as always.

In a world of cartoon violence, there's little care Ed needs to afford towards the lives he takes. That's not the problem. The problem is that the harder he tries to maintain control, the more he loses it. And the less control he has, the angrier he becomes. And the angrier he is, the more desperate he becomes to keep himself safe.

Ed is playing a game rigged against him from the start. He exists in a system meant to antagonize and hurt him while surrounded by vultures waiting for him to prove them right that he does lack discipline where no matter what action he takes he loses. How could he be anything other than furious about it?

His anger is a perfectly logical reaction to his situation, and there's no point in denying that it exists like it's something shameful. Ed needs tools to help him cope with this, a support system that has his back, and an environment that nourishes him instead of constantly putting him at risk of dying.

[panelshowsource]

hey frends!

just a lil update to say that i'll be moving soon, so over the next 2–3 weeks i'll be quite busy and won't be able to post a lot a lot (not that i usually post that much but i do try!)

now that many panel shows are wrapping up their seasons, it's not too much to keep up with the masterpost or anything, so i'll definitely keep that chugging, but gifs might be a little slow :') i have a few requests i'll work on, and it's fine to send those in; plus, i said i'd be making BIG gifsets for the recent taskmaster contestants and i'm definitely working on those! i wanna do a good job so taking my time :)

wanna remind everyone about some of the newer additions to the googledrive!

ed gamble — glutton (audiobook) (i'll be listening to this today while i'm packing! if anyone else listened pls lmk what you think!! i'm also wrapping up david's book and gonna post my thoughts soon hehe)

added the most recent alex horne/tim key celebrity pointless to the alex horne collection folder

a couple seasons of duck quacks don't echo upgraded to 1080p

bbc radio 4's hard to tell from 2011, with jonny sweet, charlotte ritchie, katy wix, etc.

complete british as folk, with fern brady, ivo graham, and darren harriott (any other homo reading this grow up absolutely and painfully obsessed with queer as folk? either version? oh man... this programme gets a 10/10 for the name alone, iconic)

live at the moth club

lots of fun new episode of growing pains, hignfy, taskmaster, outsiders :)

as well, there are a couple of new podcasts out: russell howard's wonderbox and james acaster's springleaf :)

i have a bunch of asks and i'll post them later! you guys are being so cute about taskmaster it's been so fun

hope everyone is having a great weekend!

btw... please don't feel obligated to anon me rude messages... i'm a little stressed with everything going on in Life, so maybe save those for the new year? i'll try to come up w witty retorts after i've had some sleep

it's funny, i've been hearing a lot about blog competition and fighting for notes and monopolising panel show content blah blah in my inbox recently. (i only included one here but there's genuinely been quite a few just in the last couple of weeks.) i don't know what might be going on on other blogs or discords or whatever, and i honestly didn't even know these were still convos people are having; i kinda thought we all agreed that this site isn't as big as it used to be, notes aren't as plentiful as they used to be, but by golly we'll just keep on posting anyways. i don't know if there are edit tags for any panel shows but i don't use them; i just post content here for my current followers and if you guys like it then that's all i wanted to do. i don't care if there are other panel show blogs with more followers or posts that get more notes or better gifs or better blogs or whatever. it's all fine. i don't care. i don't think about it. so you don't have to ask me that stuff — how to grow your blog or get more followers or more engagement, or how i feel about other blogs that post the same content as i do — i won't answer it. just post it because you want to; don't race to be the first one to get stuff at (especially at the expense of making content you're proud of!); don't put other people down; don't send anonymous hate. just be cool and worry about you. if you can't have fun here without validation in the notes then you're gonna be miserable. flopping is integral to being active.

[farfromcorrect]

WELP! TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC! AGAIN!

The critical community are just as much of fragile, egotistical little snowflakes who cant commit to their principles as much as vivi can (Aka. "we dont hate viv even though we call her a racist pedo transphobe on a routine basis who treats everyone under her like dirt to cynically advance her own career! WERE BEING CONSTRUCTIVE!!! WERE HELPING!!! YAY!!!) and you wonder why i feel like none of you are giving her a single reason to give a single flying fuck about what dirt you have against her. people stopped giving a shit about what you tumblr folks say sense Donald Trump was elected specifically to SPITE you for your fruitless peal clutching that distracts from real bread and better issues that people in the REAL WORLD actually care about.

the bottom line I'm getting at is, sadly, Her fans will defend her no matter what, because thats how idol worship works, putting personality ahead of principles and will double down on their support out of spite and to feel like they are part of something that validates them in a world that neglected them or looked down on them for being outside the neo-liberal overton norm. NO DIFFERENT THAN MAGA IN BOTH SPIRIT AND DEED! and vivziepop is basically a female Donald Trump at this point. letting allegations slide right off her from the sheer force of her no nonsense attitude and sheer charisma.

second, If you people actually studied your bible enough to do your silly rewrites, then you would know that idolatry is a sin for a really good reason and how blind loyalty to any person is basically selling your soul to them and how you are no longer in control of your own actions and judgements at that point. every fandom revolving around a person over the work itself is a cult. some more dangerous than others.

third, people didn't call themselves Tartakovsky or Antonnuci fans back in the days were fandoms were so hyper polarized, they were ed edd n eddy fans and Samurai Jack fans, the personality behind it didn't really matter because there was a great deal of respectable distance between them and us before social media created the scourge of parasociality thats driving both stans and haters batshit insane.

Trying to reason them into leaving will not work, because the deed has been done and they are hooked like any other addict. No different than Angel Dust himself.

The only real way to get vivziepop to care is to go for her bottom line, appealing to peoples better nature is just a naive strategy that doesn't get to the heart of WHY people are so adamant about defending this train-wreck of a show and WHY they feel the need to defend Stolas?

Nope. best to just bang the cancel culture war drums until you can extort concessions from her instead of getting a real job like any shady inner city construction union, as if thats not already getting increasingly old and ineffectual when you have been crying wolf most of the time with nothing to really back up your claims outside screenshots of tweets you dont even have the courtesy of providing hotlinks too just so people can corroborate what you shared outside of screenshots and anecdotes.

At the core of this all i see is the same crab bucket mentality i have been seeing ever sense tumblr became a thing, nothings really changed, and just because the person deserves the hate, doesn't make the way you are going about it any less pathetic and sad in your attempt to tear someone down just so you can cynically elevate yourself in the hegalian dialectic heiarchy of the progressive stack, not because you actually CARE, and i am calling all of you motherfuckers out because i actually DO CARE about the people shes harmed and stepped on to get were she is today.

Believe me, I knew her as far back as her 2012 zoophobia days! she was a petty, egocentric SVA grad snot rag then and she only got worse when she finally got money to her name and i have been waiting for years for other people to finally come forwards and vindicate what i have been warning people about her for a decade and a half, but only now are just beginning to recognize,only for the people to bring it to light being the worst possible people to do it: THE WOKE CROWD who hate everything that moves!! Lo and behold, the law of diminishing returns rears its ugly head to bring the whole woke train to screeching halt as it barrels into reality at top speed.

Well this will probably be my last tumblr post before all you fuckers try to get me banned off tumblr for being one of the only few people left online with the gumption to blow a gaping hole in your echo chamber. But unless we can hold ourselves accountable, then what place at all do we have to hold anyone else accountable for their shit?!

Oh well, it was a good run, see you all in hell! HAHA!

[naranjapetrificada]

Fic recs based on what bits of s2 promotion made you go 👀

So obviously we only have a couple days left and I shouldn't have put this off for so long, but I've been making connections between fics I've encountered and questions raised by the teaser, trailer, and BTS video and thought I'd share some of them. Light (extremely light, like you've just emerged from an isolated cave light) s2 spoilers possible, although it's still mostly speculation?

Anyway this obviously got very long, so I'm throwing in a break now so I don't slow your scroll.

Maybe time in nature helps Ed do some healing?

Fallow Land & Bigger Sky, which I can't ever seem to shut up about was such a rewarding and healing read for me. Especially recommended for people who are interested in Ed's inner life, healing journey, and coping mechanisms, maladaptive or otherwise. Also folks who are excited for him to have an animal friend like Stede Bunnet, although in this fic it's a sweet little black lamb that he sometimes carries around in his shirt.

It begins with Ed having spent a year since The Dock living incognito on a remote (but not deserted!) island trying to get his head around everything that happened and looking for something like peace, however he can get it. It's written in an evocative, poetic way and includes some incredibly lovely flashbacks, believable character growth, important realizations, and tender emotional moments. The vibes are more pastoral than castaway, but Ed is still given time and space to do the work he needs to do in rugged, isolated surroundings so it still scratches that itch for me.

[There are definitely some triggers to be aware of but it feels like the author did a good job of mentioning them at the beginning of each chapter.]

Maybe they do some healing together?

There's no need to reinvent the wheel so I'm going to borrow heavily from an earlier post I made about healing and fanfic two make the case for these two:

Brace Yourself and Nestle into Me: The premise is that Ed and Stede figure out that they're into each other around episode 7, and they're deliriously happy to know that they feel the same way about each other. But Stede has some (understandable) sexual dysfunction around being queer thanks to the horrible society that he grew up in. Ed is a darling trying to help him through it all, and along the way he realizes he also has some of his own hangups he needs to work through, and that they can both support each other's healing.

I appreciate that this one doesn't treat healing like a straight line because it never is, and emphasizes that trust can't just be implicit, you really have to talk it through as a crew, even if it's just a crew of two broken middle-aged men who are desperately in love with each other. It also gets into some of the stuff I've been talking about on here about grieving your former selves and the selves you never got to be, which was validating as hell. That sounds heavy and there are concepts that are literally part of modern therapy modalities woven into the story, but there are also warm and loving and hilarious moments too, including this gem:

“Also can you just imagine how proud little horny baby gay Stede would be know you would be to know that whatever he went through, today you’ve got your own ship and are getting completely railed by Blackbeard? I mean, just absolutely dicked down by the most famous pirate in history? He would lose his mind.”

Adrift Between the Dreaming Seas: Based on my usual filtering on ao3 I probably never, ever would have come across this fic if it weren't for a recommendation someone posted here. It's got fantasy elements, allegory, metaphors stacked on metaphors, talking animals, and so many other things that would have kept me from ever discovering it on my own. My life would be poorer for it.

Basically Stede is cursed to be a lighthouse keeper on an island that seems to move around the world. Animals show up and the ones who talk to him are members of the crew, and Ed is an actual kraken. It's all this symbolism about monstrosity and trauma and maladaptive coping and the messiness that is Stede's kindness scraping against his self loathing. I shed tears of many kinds along the way, and it made me think hard about community and recovery and the things we do to and for ourselves and others.

It's just a lovely little gem of a story that made me feel so much so deeply while also making me laugh much more than I was anticipating. I'm so glad I gave it a chance.

Maybe there's a massive, life-altering storm?

A World of Tempestuous Things, which is nearly finished and has been such a rewarding, moving journey to follow as it explores another take on their reunion story. There's the expected angst and misunderstandings, but also wit and warmth and longing and rage and these casually devastating historical asides, some of which still haunt me out of the blue because of the staggering and inescapable nature of the passage of time. Speaking of passages and being haunted, dig if you will, this picture:

so little time to dwell amongst strangers as a citizen of the world will never, ever stop reverberating in my head like a cymbal crash and I guess that's just something I live with now. @lostakasha, you've given me the existentially beautiful prose version of tinnitus.

Maybe Stede's slut party era is finally upon us?

If so, good for him, he deserves it so much.

When the Light Shines In is a missing scene/lightly canon-divergent take on s1e06, if you just like the idea of meeting a jolly version of Drunk Stede (vs that "unhand me or bleed" guy, who is hot in his own way or course but can't beat messy earnest bossy Stede in my opinion). It's set immediately after the fight with Izzy. Ed is patching him up and trying not to vibrate out of his own skin, while Stede is affectionate and chatty and besotted whether he knows it or not, and steadily working his way through a bottle of rum for the pain. So not really related to season 2, but it will still scratch that same itch and make you smile real big.

Well, I Ain't Tactful is actually set during season 2, inspired by the moment in the BTS video where Ed sees Stede getting drunk with his new leather buddies. If you asked yourself what might happen if Ed felt compelled to keep an eye on Sloppy Stede and tuck him in with a glass of water, then this one will be fun. Ed is caring and lovely about it all even while still being a bit mad at him for everything, and Stede is a mess but so sweet and still so, so in love.

Maybe we'll get to see young Ed on Hornigold's ship?

There's no evidence of that so far beyond the whole ghost of Hornigold thing, but it certainly would be a treat. But even if it doesn't, if the idea of more young Ed appeals I cannot possibly recommend the pre-canon Never Shall We Die enough.

Now there's no getting around two crucial things that may be dealbreakers for some people: first, it's long. It's very, very long. Second: it's a WIP. Only one of two I've allowed myself to follow in this fandom so I don't get overwhelmed or bogged down. But!

The writing is so impeccable that it stands head and shoulders above almost everything I've ever read on ao3 and honestly above a lot of commercially published original fiction I've encountered in the same span of time since I've started it. The settings are deliciously (and sometimes, due to the realities of life on a pirate ship, disgustingly) immersive, the action scenes are perfectly paced, and the emotional beats, when they hit, hit hard and ring true and stay with you.

Starting at at age 13, young Ed's growth and development over time is equal parts rewarding and harrowing. Threads are pulled together from canon and from earlier parts of the story to coalesce into a portrait of a living, breathing version of our favorite guy trying to find his place in the world, stumbling along the way, and eventually realizing that if he wants a place he'll have to make it himself. The secondary characters leap off the proverbial page too, and the connections he does or doesn't form with them have interesting, believable fallout for everyone involved.

I mentioned action scenes earlier, but I want to circle back around to them again because NSWD takes Izzy's season 1 comment about Blackbeard being the greatest sailor he's ever known and says the same with its whole chest. I know I'm not alone in hoping to see Incredible Sailor Ed in season 2, but in the mean time this is more than scratching that itch for me. We see Ed set foot on his first ship with no skills beyond attracting (mostly) unwelcome attention and observational skills that become the foundation of his later abilities with the sea and with the art of fuckery. From the outside he looks like a savant but on the inside he builds his skills slowly over time, delighting in learning new things and seeing a plan come together. But best of all, he delights in the skills of others, eagerly learns from them when he can, happily teaches what he can to the few people he trusts, and takes pleasure and pride in their own success.

I could literally keep talking about this fic until the next chapter gets posted, but the good news is that happens regularly! I know it can be tough to trust a WIP but I for one am so thankful for the moment of poor impulse control that led to me starting this one. New chapters come roughly every two weeks, and looking at @tresdem's output elsewhere helps me feel secure that we'll actually get to the end.