#occasionally someone else disorder

[thecupboardhasitsmoments]

It is so fucking funny to see singlets go 'God it felt like I was someone else back there' and you just sitting there with the occasionally someone else disorder like 'Ah yes. No clue what that feels like'

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?

Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide

I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.

From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.

I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.

About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.

After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.

My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.

Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.

Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.

It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.

Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.

(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)

I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.

The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.

@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)

[mothfables]

The Chain Sleeping Headcanons

i figured why the hell not haha

Time -this man snores like a goddamned horse -often the last to sleep, makes sure everyone else is doing alright first -would be the first to rise if not for Wild getting up to make breakfast -takes watch often. he’s been chewed out by Wars + the others for not waking whoever’s next many times -very rarely sleeps in

Legend -refuses to sleep on his back unless he absolutely has to (i.e. severely ill or injured) -prefers to sleep on his side, usually curled up, but will lie on his stomach if he feels safe enough -sleeps better with at least one other person with him, but is bad at asking for it -if he’s with Ravio there’s a chance he may sleep on his back, as he knows he’s safe with him -will drop off in a few minutes if his hair is played with -sleeps best curled against someone’s chest with his face tucked in their neck. it helps him feel safe

Twilight -either sleeps sprawled flat on his back or curled up like a wolf. no inbetween -has a habit of getting up and patrolling the camp/immediate area at random points during the night. does not matter if he’s in wolf or hylian form -also snores. usually in the ear of whoever’s closest to him

Sky -he’s never had the best relationship with sleep. this has been something he’s dealt with his entire life -it was bad enough as a kid but it’s only gotten worse the older he gets -some of it is prophetic dreams or other hero shit, the rest is good old sleep disorder -naps when he can get them -chronic sleep cuddler. once he has someone in his grasp he is not letting go. no one is sure if he’s even aware he does this. good for getting Legend to sleep

Warriors -can sleep anywhere, anytime, in any position thanks to his time in the army -quick to sleep, quick to rise -usually sleeps flat on his back or curled around the nearest small body (or Time) -always has a weapon nearby

Wind -this kid alternates between alarmingly accurate starfish + octopus imitations -forming a habit of snoring. the prime suspect is Twilight -keeps a knife under his pillow

Hyrule -he sleeps best hidden away, like in a tree or cave -always has his sword nearby -he’s slowly learning to sleep with others nearby/trust others with keeping him safe as he sleeps

Wild -can go without sleep for days. this does not mean it’s healthy -if he goes long enough without sleep he crashes hard as soon as it’s safe to do so -rests best at a campfire or wherever there’s a bed. this doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t pass out anywhere -ready to get up and go whenever -tends to get up early to make breakfast

Four -either sleeps completely silently or says the weirdest shit. often sounds like fractured conversations between multiple people -similar to Wind in that he’ll wrap himself around the nearest person or contort himself into the weirdest positions. his blankets are never where they started in the morning -has occasionally been found on the opposite side of camp from where he went to sleep

[talkethtothehandeth]

Here’s a reminder that you don’t have to faint to have pots, and your pots is literally just as valid as anyone else’s, even if you never faint.

I always dealt with presyncope, never ever syncope. But my body decided to change it up this year, and now I’ve been dealing with the ✨ fainting episodes ✨ that have happened both in public at at my home.

I never ever thought I would actually faint, I always thought that it wasn’t “that bad” because I never fainted, I never went unconscious so what’s so bad about it, right?(/s)

Pots is pots, it’s not called postural orthostatic tachycardia fainting syndrome. It is what it is and whether or not you faint doesn’t determine the diagnosis! Fainting isn’t a prerequisite to getting diagnosed! Some pots patients have it bad, and some have it better. But either way, someone who faints 5 times a day, or faints occasionally (bonjour, it’s me) or never ever faints at all, we all share the same diagnosis!

Your presenting symptoms don’t equate the validity of your disorder.

[equizona]

⤷ ROMANTIC HEADCANONS

michael afton || five night's at freddy's

gender-neutral reader

masterlist, navigation

i'm having michael brainrot and I can't when write his name right and also the new tumblr update can go choke on some shoelaces

⤷ MICHAEL AFTON

Michael is the type to get jealous easily. He's insecure, has abandonment issues, is making minimum wage and has a fuck ton of trauma attached to him. He knows he isn't the best boyfriend one could ask for, and that you probably deserve so much more, so seeing you with other people he just knows are better than him? It makes him want to crawl into a hole and cry.

Despite how easily he gets jealous, he doesn't show it very often. He refuses to guilt you into staying with him, or isolate you from having relationships outside of him. His father did that with his mother, and he got front row seats to see how well that turned out for them.

Michael doesn't make a lot of money, so he can't get you expensive gifts or take you out on fancy dates. Instead you both often go on walks, have picnics and watch movies at home. He'll save up for occasional amusement park, circus or whatever else you like for dates, though he tries to save those for special occasions.

He probably stays over at your place quite often. He doesn't like to be alone and he doesn't like the idea that he'll wake up tomorrow and get a call that someone broke in and killed you, or something like that. He stays over where you live often for that reason. He doesn't let you go to his place, either, since he knows the animatronics could easily figure out where he lives if they wanted.

He gets a lot of nightmares, too. He doesn't expect you to comfort him or anything, he knows he can be stressful and doesn't want your sleep being put aside for something as stupid as a bad dream. He doesn't really want you to do so, either, since he feels so guilty. The best thing you can do for him is let him cling to you, hug him back and go back to sleep.

He most certainly has an eating disorder. He forgets to eat and drink most of the time, and majority of the time when he doesn't forget he either thinks it's too much work or too expensive or just not worth the effort. However, if you bring him food or a drink, he'll make sure to consume all of it, no matter how nauseous it makes him. If he ends up vomiting, he might have a breakdown from guilt. Especially if you made it yourself.

On a less angst filled note, Michael is really good at making food. If you have ingredients and don't mind him messing around your kitchen, he will make the most heavenly tasting food you can imagine. Since he doesn't work during the day, he'll make you breakfast when he gets back, alongside lunch for whatever you have to do during the day.

He'll also make you dinner, with him making you m meals a good chunk of the time, it makes there be at least one less thing to stress you out. At least, that's what he's hoping for. If you give him the money, he'll go grocery shopping for you as well! He has all your preferred brands memorized too, so not to worry about that.

His parents didn't teach him very basics things about hygiene or cleaning, so while he isn't really a messy person, he doesn't know how most things work and decides to just leave things where they are. If you teach him to do the dishes, use the laundry machine or a vacuum, and assure him you won't get mad if he does something wrong, he might try doing some of your chores for you.

If he does it right and it makes you happy when he does it, he'll keep doing it. It makes him pretty happy, actually, to be doing it. He remembers his classmates whining about having to do chores with their mothers while he spent most of his day worried he's get yelled at for moving a glass over to the sink from the counter. Most might think it's boring to clean, but he thinks it's nice. And if it makes you happy, and makes your life easier? He's pretty ecstatic to be doing the dishes.

Michael naturally runs really hot. He could be your personal heater easily, and he's very comfortable and warm to hug. Despite how warm he is, he gets cold super easily, so he's always dressing warm and laying under blankets, which just makes Jim run even warmer.

He has a soft spot for children. If he builds a more stable life and routine with you, he'll probably try doing babysitting during the day for some extra money. He's actually really good with kids, too, even if he might seem sort of intimidating at first. He's also able to make all of them eat their vegetables and fruits, so parents adore him as well.

He is weak for matching things. Matching outfits? Keychains? Bracelets? Phone cases? Mugs? Blankets? Shoes? He doesn't care, he just loves the idea of matching with you.

He likes doing arts & crafts. Sometimes the kids make him do it with them too, and he's pretty good! He occasionally gives you those handmade bead bracelets. If he sees you wearing them he'll probably cling to you for the rest of the day.

Michael is actually like, really good at singing. He'll sing when he cleans, when he's doing his night shifts, when he's cooking or baking. If you like his singing, he might sing you a lullaby to help you sleep. If you sing with him he will be the happiest person on earth.

He likes a lot of things that are less traditionally masculine and more traditionally feminine, like flowers and soft things. (Blankets, stuffed animals, etc.) If you get him flowers, he'll press or dry them so he can keep them for much longer.

He's not much of a fan of animals, and animals don't like him that much. The exception being foxes, since he thinks they're very pretty. If you have any pets, he'd be happy to help you takecare of them, but he won't have a very deep emotional connection with the animal.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

Do you think Valentino from Hazbin is a sociopath?

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

I don't think he has an antisocial personality disorder. I can categorize him as a man with borderline personality disorder with antisocial tendencies (generally men with BPD are quite likely to exhibit APD traits).

Why do I interpret his behavior as BPD:

❤️ mood swings and incoherent personality. Like he's a completely different person with Vox and with Angel. Duh, even during his one scene with Vox his whole attitude did 180° in seconds.

❤️ hardcore abandonment issues. It makes him act out to get Vox's attention. And he hates Angel so much not because of pure sadism, but because he used to love him (well, at least he interpreted his feelings as love). As he became more and more toxic and after Angel finally tried to stand up for himself, Valentino felt so terribly rejected and betrayed that he immediately started hating him.

❤️ there's this thing called splitting and it means that people with BPD perceive others very binary, as either good or bad. There's nothing between love and hate and those emotions can change rapidly. So yeah imo he occasionally "loves" Angel and that's why he hasn't killed him yet but at the same time he proceeds to abuse him so terribly (I can't buy the "you make me money" excuse, no amount of money would matter if he really wanted to kill him. And I don't believe he keeps him alive just to torture him, Angel's behavior causes him too much stress. Like, he cares so much.).

❤️ Things common for men with BPD are substance abuse (overlord of drugs, duh), aggressive behaviors, and violent tendencies (I don't think I need to provide you with an example)

❤️ General high novelty seeking. It essentially means looking for stimuli to feel anything and just fill horrifying emotional emptiness (in the case of BPD; novelty-seeking is also a trait of perfectly healthy people that differs individually). I connect this novelty-seeking thing to him being an overlord of depravity, he loves perversion for the sake of perversion because everything extreme he does or witnesses makes him feel things again. And he bores very quickly so he has to constantly push boundaries further.

❤️ Autodestructive tendencies. We don't see them in the text, I just assume they are there. Again - drugs, unsafe sex, and (according to my headcanons) involvement in violent and irresponsible "BDSM" (I put it in a quotation because BDSM to be BDSM must be safe and based on informed consent, trust and good communication) which is essentially using Vox' sadism to inflict harm on himself. He rather do it using someone else's hands because he perceives this desire to self-harm as a weakness but at the same time, can't resist it.

Vox hc | Velvette hc | Vees + Angel hc

[kewrnage]

hoodlum next door spoils me rotten.

synopsis. headcanon with jason who has a neighbor with quite the messy place.

꒰ pairing ꒱ — jason todd x gender neutral! reader.

꒰ genre ꒱ — fluff. reader is lazy but improves overtime. this version of jason is the closest to batman : wayne family adventures.

── Jason has learned that his neighbor is leaving and that the vacant flat next to him will be inhabited by someone else. Jason was unable to enjoy himself and have fun because of the prior neighbor's haughty attitude. As a result, the neighbor decided to silently leave the neighboring unit without saying anything.

── Jason, who was used to the freedom of living in Wayne Manor, pondered about how his life could change by interacting with his new neighbor. This new acquaintance could potentially provide an exciting break from the monotony.

── As he made his way to the entrance of his apartment, he glanced at the neighboring unit, curious about the identity of his new neighbor. To his delight, he spotted you transporting crates into the adjoining apartment. A smile crept onto his face as he found you incredibly adorable, yet also displaying a sense of seriousness in your vacant expression, which perfectly contrasted his mischievous nature.

── Jason attempted to gain entry by knocking, but you did not respond. Consequently, he resorted to turning the doorknob, granting him access to your apartment. He expressed surprise by raising an eyebrow, as he observed the untidy state of your flat, particularly the disorderly arrangement of your textbooks. Meanwhile, you were comfortably seated on the couch, engrossed in a class presentation on your laptop. Surprisingly, the only well-organized item in the room was the trashcan.

── Jason Todd, the neighbor who resided nearby, possessed a devious allure that you were unbothered by, even when he started making your already disorganized shelf even more chaotic.

── Despite this, you showed no concern as he continued to mess up your belongings; some of your picture frames were even hanging on the wall at odd angles. He particularly took notice of the disorder in your room, where the bedsheets and blankets were nothing but crumpled messes. The chaos that you lived in frustrated him, and he couldn't resist criticizing you for it.

── You brushed it off at first because you were used to it, especially since no one tried to motivate you anyhow. As a result, he resolved to do the opposite. The next day, he returned to your flat, and he spent his day off from crime-fighting by first assisting you in organizing your living area.

── One of his tactics involves advising you on what actions to take. Occasionally, he can be severe in order to elicit a negative reaction from you, hoping it will prompt self-reflection and growth. Alternatively, he may simply want to observe your displeasure. He assists with various household chores, such as washing dishes and cleaning smudged windows.

── When it comes to cooking, he initially taught you and the dish you prepared was close to being burnt, which disappointed him as evidenced by his sigh.

── He assisted you in enhancing your organizing skills over the course of several months, and you gradually became adept at it, except for cooking. Whenever he would go out to fight crime, you would resort to purchasing instant noodles or any ready-made meal for dinner, which you would then bring home as takeout because he wasn't present to cook for you.

── As you slowly improve, he becomes increasingly proud of you every day. He has observed your efforts to the fullest and it brings him joy. Every now and then, he spoils you with his somewhat above-average cooking, and you express your appreciation by becoming affectionate towards him. Whenever he prepares a meal for you, you embrace him from behind, which never fails to make his heart beat faster and cause a smirk that you cannot see.

── Both of you desired the best outcome for one another. Despite occasional procrastination, you possess a level of understanding and wisdom that catches him by surprise. Therefore, when he faces a moral dilemma, he seeks your guidance without hesitation.

── Over time, the bond between you two grew into something deeper. You hug him from behind while he prepares meals for the two of you, and he takes solace in your presence by opening your window after his crime-fighting tasks at night, cherishing the warmth of your embrace and caressing your faces with gentle kisses. As he becomes accustomed to this connection, your desire for each other only intensifies.

── He'd be willing and glad to explore this newfound feelings with you. He continues to spoil you with his somewhat above-average cooking and his mischievous antics you're trying to discern. However, you'll be there for each other in every step of the way.

── Bonus ; Jason would often bring Artemis and Bizarro to your flat, his Outlaws team to your flat because your brother, who is married to an East Asian household, generously offers you a large amount of food almost every month. Your brother's deliveries usually include ramen, sweets, and chocolates in cute wrapping, as well as wonderfully wrapped crisps.

[deathbecomesthem]

Crawling to the Finish | Part 2 | 5K

Eddie Munson x Fem!Disabled!Reader

*This is a completed series that is queued and will be released on the dates below. This Masterlist will be updated with each part that is released.

+18 ONLY | MDNI

Warnings: There will be lots of descriptions of medical stuff. The reader is physically disabled due to an undefined accident. Major bone trauma. Lots of talk about pain. Later parts are going to have smut, because disabled people have sex like everyone else. *This part describes disordered eating due to pain.*

Summary: You have to go back to school while still recovering from surgery. Principal Higgins is determined to make you as comfortable as possible, so he assigns someone to help you get around.

A/N: The physical disability described in this series are my own. The experiences are very close to what my own. Be kind.

---

You were drifting through life, the unsteady ocean of the things out of your control set your course. It was something you’ve learned how to deal with. Take things as they come, adjust, go with the flow, let the waves move you how they wanted. But, when the pain is bad, it sets your teeth on edge, and you hate being that person. Mean. Angry. Bitter. It’s not who you are, but it’s how you are right now. You were just waiting. Because, despite the hope in your mother’s eyes, you knew that this last surgery would do nothing to fix you. It was just something to add to the chart so Dr. Greene could say he had tried it all before giving an 18 year a total hip replacement. They don’t last forever, and then he’ll have to deal with a patient needing revision at a too young age.

The bright spot these days comes in the form of a group of nerdy boys. Every day, you sit with them at lunch. It’s your safe spot. No one bothers you, you can just sit and be quiet without feeling like you need to do anything. The boys never say anything about how little you eat. Dustin occasionally looks at you with knowing eyes, and he’s always quick to offer up anything you might like as a treat. Food is hard most days, everything turns to cement in your mouth as you chew, and it never sits right in your stomach.

If you’re being completely honest with yourself, the highest points of your days are in the few minutes before each class when you move through the empty halls with Eddie by your side. Your friendship has come about easily. He’s so open to you. He asks questions. He stops talking when you tell him you need quiet without making you feel unkind. He tells you about his band and his club. Then one day, he tells you something that blows you away, because you feel like you were really starting to know him, and you never would have guessed.

“Well, you know, school’s not exactly my strong suit. I’m pretty sure I’m destined to be stuck in this building until I’m old and gray.” You’d been telling him about how determined you were to get your diploma, even if it meant you had to drag your body across the stage to get it. His statement confused you, though.

“What do you mean? You might not graduate?” You’re legitimately confused. “Why not?”

“Oh, Ilene, this is my third senior year.” You’re standing outside of your English class, the bell still 2 minutes away from ringing. These conversations were really one big conversation broken up into little intervals throughout the day. “If I can manage to pass English this time, there’s a chance I’ll be able to walk that stage.” His words hang in the air for a moment while you digest them and try to make sense of them.

You’re annoyed. Almost angry. How the actual fuck – “Eddie, that’s bullshit.” His eyebrows shoot up so high, they’re lost under his fringe. Your tone tells him that you think his excuses are bullshit. “Come on, are you telling me you can’t do that work, because I’m telling you, you’ve got a brain in there.” You tap the side of his head a little harder than was necessary.

“I’m telling you, I’ve managed to fuck it up two years in a row –“ he’s getting a little hot with you, annoyed for being called out, “- and I’m trying, but it’s hard.”

Today’s a better day for you, so you find yourself able to bite back the truly harsh remarks that sometimes spill out of your mouth. You let the silence sit for another moment and think about what it’s been like for him, how he’s been treated by his teachers and how he doesn’t have the kind of support at home that would help him get through a tough time. The bell rings and brings your thoughts back to the Eddie that’s at your side. You look and see his features are a little pained by your words, so you try to make it right before he takes off for his own class.

“Hey, you’re right, I don’t know how it’s been for you.” He’s following behind you while you make your way to your desk, only the two of you in the classroom at the moment. “Why don’t you come over a couple of times a week and we can be study buddies?”

Eddie drops your bookbag at your feet. He takes your hand, as he does multiple times a day to help you get yourself situated at your desk, and holds on to your crutches for you. This routine just sort of happened naturally, but right now it strikes you how comfortable you’ve become with his hands helping you. It’s so unlike you to be so accepting of help.

Before he can take his hand away and leave, you give it a squeeze, drawing his gaze to your face. “I’m serious, I’d like having someone around when I do my homework. It might help us both to just have someone else working next to us.”

A couple of people started making their way through the door, a signal that he has to bust his ass across the building, “I’ll see you in 45 minutes.” There’s a little sink in your stomach, worry at upsetting him, but he gives your own hand a little squeeze before he lets go.

---

Eddie doesn’t bring up your offer for the rest of the day, leaving you feeling a little bit deflated. You pushed too hard, and you regret it. Never once has he done anything to make you feel bad about yourself, and you let your mouth run away the first time he’s a tiny bit vulnerable with you. But, as with everything in life, you let those feelings float on, letting them go.

On the Monday of week 5 post surgery, the pain has ebbed into a constant and familiar ache. You eat enough to keep yourself upright. Your sleep is fragmented, waking frequently to adjust the pillow that rests under your left hip.

Your incision is healed, you’ve always been a quick healer - except for that one joint. The one that keeps you from being a normal teenager. The one that keeps you too thin and gives you dark circles under your eyes.

When you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the realm of self-pity, you let yourself remember. Because, this recovery is simple compared to a full body cast, a bed pan, hair washed in the bathroom sink, a baby monitor set next to you at night at the age of 14. This is nothing. And you’re inching closer to the thing you want more than anything. A new lease on life through your next surgery.

Today, though, you’re getting dressed, putting on makeup, and feeling better than you have in a long time. You’re looking forward to seeing your boys. To seeing your Eddie. You try not think about him when you pull out the curling iron and work your hair into a cute half updo. You try not to think about which lip gloss he would prefer as you rummage through the drawers of your vanity. You definitely avoid the thought of him seeing your ass in the form fitting black jeans you feel like you can tolerate rubbing against the still tender scars that run down your outer thigh and lower waist. Nope. Not thinking about that.

Eddie’s leaning against the hood of his van when you pull into the parking lot this morning. He’s been arriving early since last week so he can be there to escort you into the building first thing each day. This morning your stomach leaps into your throat as you watch him flick his cigarette butt into the grass at the edge of the lot. Friday was the first day you’d really noticed how pretty his eyes are, really looked at how full his lips are. It was a revelation you weren’t expecting. As much as you wish you could just push the feelings away, you know it’s not possible. You’ve noticed him, no going back now.

“Excuse me sir, can you point me in the direction of an errand boy to hire for the day? I can’t possibly be expected to carry my own things around all day.” You’ve pulled your car up next to Eddie with your window rolled down. You let your eyes travel up and down his body to assess him with exaggeration, “You might be sufficient. Do you have any references?”

“There’s this one girl, she’s kind of a pain in the ass, but I’m sure she’d be willing to write me a letter of recommendation.” His head is tilted to the side and he’s wearing a grin that shows off his pretty dimples. “What kind of compensation do you offer?”

“The pleasure of my company.” You give him a big smile and a flutter of your lashes before you pull in to the spot next to him. He makes his way to your car, reaching into the back seat for your crutches before offering his hand to help you out.

“Oh, I think I might take that offer, but I have one request.” He’s answering you try to find your balance. Once you’re upright, he reaches across the front seat to grab your bookbag for you. “How do you feel about adding in some study time this week to sweeten the deal?”

You’ve crutched a couple of steps while he closes your car door for you, but you stop after he makes his request to cock your head and squint your eyes. He’s got that fucking smile on his face again.

“Oh, sure. Follow me home tonight, we can do some work at my house, ok?” Eddie nods and you’re both kind of just looking back and forth at each other while you make your way to the big doors that lead into the school.

“You look really pretty today, by the way.” It’s a casual statement that a friend would make to another friend, but you can feel the heat rising up your chest, and your stomach feels like it’s on fire.

You can’t help but do the thing you always do when you feel like you’re in a corner. You joke.

“Stop flirting with me. I know the crutches are irresistible, but you’re gonna have to try to resist.”

And you think he’ll leave it at that. So, you crutch your way down the still quiet hallway, but he just can’t stop himself. A couple of steps behind you, he says just loud enough for you to hear, “It’s not the crutches I’m thinking about from this angle, Ilene.”

---

That’s how the flirtation started, with Eddie not so subtlety checking out your ass at 7:30 on a Monday morning. It went on like this for the rest of the week. On Wednesday, you sat next to Dustin at lunch. His positivity was contagious, and you found you cared deeply for the kid. He always knew how to talk, or not talk, to you.

“So, Eddie tells me you’ve been helping him study.” You’ve been making eyes at Eddie from across the table. Eddie’s been coming over to your house for a couple of hours the last two afternoons, and you’ve started helping him work on his English paper. After talking him through what some of his issues have been, you offer to be his scribe. It’s working really well, you writing his words.

“Uh, yeah. It’s been nice having him around.” You finally drag your eyes away from Eddie to meet Dustin’s face and he’s practically glowing.

“Oh, good. You guys are, uh, really hitting it off, huh?” Your eyes roll a little and you flick the back of his hands with your fingers in a playful admonishment.

“Stop. It’s not like that.”

Dustin shrugs a little, still radiant with pleasure at all of the possibilities he has running rampant through his head.

“Hey, when do you see your doctor? It’s next week, right?”

“Yep.” It’s all you can manage. Your anxiety was starting to build at the thought of it.

“How soon do you expect to have your surgery?” You had told Dustin about the prospect of a hip replacement. He was enthusiastic, understanding it would be the ticket to a more independent life.

“As soon as he’ll schedule it. Realistically? Probably in a month. I think I’ve convinced my mom that it’s definitely happening, but you know, parents are always worried.” Dustin knew. He definitely knew.

“Well, I’m excited for you.” His big smile does a lot to settle your anxiety. His support means so much to you. “I’m sure Eddie will be excited too.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you.

“Dustin, I swear to god.” You shake your head and look back to see Eddie smirking at your obvious annoyance with his favorite kid.

---

“So, tell me about Eddie.” Your mom sat at the kitchen table and sorted through the mail while you got yourself situated on the recliner. You’d been sleeping in it all week, it holds your body in all of the right places. It’s the only place you can fully relax, even if it’s only for a couple of hours at a time.

“You met him, you already know about him.” It’s Friday, the first afternoon that you’ve returned from school without the metalhead following closely behind. His band is practicing, but he offered to come over after to watch a movie later.

“Yeah, he’s a good kid, I like him.” She rips open one of the envelopes and scans the page. A medical bill. You can tell from the resigned sigh that leaves her mouth. “I was just wondering if anything’s been going on between you two yet.”

“We’re just friends, mom.” It doesn’t even sound convincing to your own ears.

“Of course your friends. He’s the reason I don’t worry about you when you leave the house. But I’m not blind.” She doesn’t say anymore, she just gets up and digs her check book out of her purse before dropping back into the seat and continuing the depressing job of draining her bank account.

“Oh, uh, Eddie’s coming over at 7 to watch a movie if that’s ok.” Your attempt at sounding casual fails, and you know it because you’re mom barks out a laugh.

“Eddie’s always welcome, you don’t have to ask. ‘Just friends.’” She does air quotes at you, and you lay your head back to try to nap before Eddie heads over.

The next thing you know, there’s a hand on your arm and you smell pizza? Your groggy eyes are trying to open, the hand on your arm is lifting and you hear his voice, as if from a distance.

“Maybe I should go. I don’t want to wake her if she needs to sleep.” His voice is soft, and you wonder who he’s talking about. Wait, he’s talking about me. Because I’m asleep.

“No, I promise, she’ll never forgive me if I let her sleep through your visit.” You hear footsteps moving towards you, and there’s another smaller hand with a firmer grip on your arm. “Sweetie, Eddie’s here to see you. He brought over some pizza. Wanna wake up?”

Your feel like your eyelids weigh a ton, but you finally get them open enough to see your mom and Eddie standing over you, looking at you. Eddie looks concerned, his fingers at his mouth playing with his bottom lip.

“Hey, Buddy.” You croak out and give him a sleepy smile, and you can see him visibly relax. Your mom gives him a pat on the shoulder before she leaves the room. “Thanks for coming over, Eddie.” You start moving to get up, and he puts his hands out to stop you.

“Hey, no, it’s ok, stay there.” But you’re shaking your head, you had to get up and move around to get the blood flowing.

“I’m fine, I can’t stay in this chair anymore or I won’t sleep at all tonight.” Eddie’s quick to offer his arm to you, and warmth starts to stir inside of you. His leather jacket is thrown over a chair in the kitchen. This is the first time you’ve had your hands on his bare arm, and his skin feel so warm under your fingers.

“Where’d you get the pizza, Ed?” You put your arm around his shoulder, letting him help you to the kitchen without the aid of your crutches. His hair smells clean, like maybe he took a shower before coming over. You let your fingers brush across the ends of his hair to see if it’s still damp. It is.

“Uh, I went to Gino’s. Is that ok?” He turns his head to face you, and he’s so close. You notice his eyes drifting between your eyes and your mouth while you’re hopping the last few feet before resting on one of the cloth covered chairs at the octagonal table.

“It’s great. Thank you.” As soon as your ass hits the chair, he’s moving in a flurry. Getting you something to drink, plating some pizza, frenetic movements around the kitchen.

He finally sits with you after grabbing a plate for himself. This is the moment. This is when you know it. You let your foot rest next to his, your sock covered toes rub the top of his foot just a little, and he’s all smiles. This is good. He returns your gesture with a little toe rub of his own, and you let the greasy cheesy pizza fill your stomach while you play footsie with the pretty boy sitting next to you.

Eddie brought over the movie he’d been talking about all week, insisting you should watch it. LadyHawke. You know it’s not anywhere near what you’d consider watching normally, but his excitement was worth it. Also, the thought of sitting in a dark room with him sitting close to him made your whole body tingle.

You stood at in front of the couch, looking down at it, trying to decide what would work the best. Eddie stood there, looking a little confused, probably wondering why you were staring at a piece of furniture with such concentration.

“So, uh, do you need help, or…” He’s filling the silence with anything, and you’ve decided to just tell him the truth.

“I’m thinking about how I can be comfortable on this couch while also not being too obvious about wanting you to be close to me.” You keep looking at the couch, and Eddie is standing a little straighter.

“Ah, yeah, I see.” Now he’s looking at the couch with you while you lean your weight onto his shoulders. He snaps his fingers together excitedly. “I’ve got it. Here.” He’s helping you down onto the couch, making sure you’ve got a pillow to rest under your hip before he gets the movie set up and turns off the lights. You’re waiting, a little sad to be sitting alone.

“Ok, can I sit here?” He’s pointing at the very end of the couch where you’re head and shoulders are resting, and you feel a smile pulling on your lips.

“Of course you can.” You sit up as much as you can, and Eddie sneaks his slender body next to you. It’s easy to rest your head on him, perfectly comfortable, his arms are gently surrounding you. You can feel his steady breathing and the rhythmic beating of his heart with your head on his broad chest.

LadyHawke is playing on the television. You know that. Michelle Pfeiffer and Matthew Broderick are right on the screen. Outside of that, nothing is connecting. Eddie’s hand is moving along your arm, fingers lazily running along your skin. Your face is pressed into his cotton t shirt, it smells like fabric softener and very faintly of cigarette smoke. You can feel his warm breath on the crown of your head. Your hand is running along the rings of his free hand, dipping into the valleys between his fingers. You can hear his breath hitch when you let the tip of your fingers rub against the sensitive skin.

“This is really nice, Ed.” You need him to know how you’re feeling right now before your heart explodes in your chest from his tender touches.

“Mmmm” The hum is thick, reverberating through his chest. He’s gone somewhere, just feeling and not thinking. As casually as possible without full function of you lower half, you turn yourself to look at his face. Your expectation is that you’ll see his face focused on the screen, but no. He’s looking down at you with a soft expression.

You reach to touch his face, asking him to look at you. Please, see me. He does. You see his vision focus, he’s back with you. You run your finger down his jaw, feeling the stubble growing there. His hand isn’t running along your arm now. No, it’s found the spot on your side where you’re shirt has ridden up, and now his fingers are bringing out goosebumps along this new place, a gentle dance.

It’s a challenge. It’s awkward. You’re moving your body in ways that are not completely natural, trying to angle your face to meet his. His sweet and knowing smile makes you giggle a little. It’s ridiculous that this should be so hard when it’s so stupidly easy for every other teenager in the world. But, this is Eddie, and he’s not making you feel weird.

“You wanna kiss, Sweet Girl?” Of course you want a kiss. It’s why you have your body twisted, face in the crook of his neck. So close. You have to pull yourself up using his shirt as leverage.

“No.” Your face is heating up enough that you’re sure he can feel it on the skin of his neck. “I just wanna put my face right here.” You let your lips brush against his the soft skin behind his ear, and he lets out a little groan.

“Oh, yeah, ok.” His breath is ragged as you trail your lips across his neck leaving gentle kisses as you go. His hands are gripped firmly at the skin of your side, he’s obviously trying to keep himself under control while you assault his most sensitive spots.

“Eddie, I’m sorry.” You breath out in the shell of his ear and his breath stutters, “I’m lying. I really do want you to kiss me.” Your teeth nip at the spot behind his hear, and you’re satisfied with the whimper that escapes his pretty mouth.

It’s still awkward, but neither of you seem to care. The goal is to let your lips meet. So close. So, so close. He’s so pretty. The reflection of the screen illuminates his face, and you’re struck again by his perfect features. You can’t get your face to angle in the right way, so you just bring your hand up to run along his eyebrows, down his nose, along his pretty lips.

He closes his eyes while you explore his features with your featherlight touches. Slowly, he starts to move away from you, gently guiding your body to a half sitting position.

“Lay down, Sweetheart.” His knees are resting on the carpet in front of the couch, and he helps you lay on your side to face him. “There she is.” His hand cups your cheek and he closes the distance to let your lips meet. Finally. His lips are as soft as the touches you’ve been sharing. His fingers scratch at the back of your head, and your open mouths taste each other while Lady Hawke plays on in the background, all while Eddie sits on his knees on the floor.

---

In your living room on that Friday night, you let the waves take you like you always did. The feelings were happening, there was no stopping it. There are so few things in your life that make perfect sense, there’s so much uncertainty. But Eddie was consistent, he was true. So, it happens, and it’s right.

Saturday, you’re mother takes you to a salon. Self-care has been low priority for a long time, but the hair cut was a practice in hope. Monday morning, instead of meeting Eddie in the parking lot of the high school, you’ll be sitting in the office of your surgeon discussing next steps. While waiting for your time slot, you flip through the book filled with glossy images of haircuts. You know what you want before even stepping foot in the door, but you need a visual reference. When you see the picture, you have to hold in a laugh, it’s exactly what you’re looking for. It’s not until you see the cut on the model that you realize it is the same cut that Isabeau wears in LadyHawke.

The seat is uncomfortable, it strains the already painful joint, but it’s so worth it. Angie, your hairstylist, is massaging your scalp more than washing your hair, and you feel like purring with satisfaction. You suspect that your mom told her something that made her want to give you extra pampering, and you don’t even care if it’s out of pity. When she finally turns the taps off and wraps your head in a towel, your eyes are heavy, but your body feels light.

Getting a haircut has always been a ritual you like to go through before major medical stuff. It’s a shedding of the past and making room for new growth. The practicality of having less hair to deal with post operation is an added bonus. This is the first cut you’ve had in a year, and your hair is well past the donation threshold. After the initial chop of the braids hanging down your back, you listen to the scissors snip snip snip while small clumps of hair float to the ground. You feel freer already.

Sunday Eddie visits for a while, and he brings Dustin. It’s a surprise, but you’re so happy to see him. Outside of your mom, they’re the only ones you’ve told about your anxieties. To his benefit, Dustin never comments on the fact that you’re head rests in Eddie’s lap and that he runs his fingers through your hair while they visit. Even though it looks physically painful for him to keep his thoughts to himself.

For the first time it doesn’t feel like you’re just passing time and waiting for the next thing. Waiting for you life to finally make sense and be set right. You feel accepted and held by Eddie. He sees you and doesn’t frown at the sight of your pain, he simply tries to not add to it. Having a friend like Dustin must have played a part in his understanding, but it’s more than that. Eddie just accepts and offers sincerity in everything.

When Dustin takes off, telling you he’s got plans with Mike Wheeler, you know he’s really giving you and Eddie some time. Eddie helps you over to the recliner so you can really rest, the week was long and you’re still so tired. You make yourself small and pull him into the oversized chair with you. He doesn’t argue. He moves with clear intention, cautiously but not with fear.

“Eddie, thanks for being here for me.” Your running your finger down his sternum, following a path to his ribs. You try not to think too hard about doing this without the cotton barrier of his shirt. You’re present, enjoying it for what is and trying to not wish any of it away.

“This is where I want to be, Baby. With my girl.” His eyes are closed, he looks as tired as you do. Fully relaxed under your touch.

“I’m your girl?” He keeps his eyes closed, but his mouth draws up into a smile at the softness of your voice.

“Yes, and I’m sorry. You’re stuck with me now. You found that spot behind my ear. I can’t let you go.” You take his hint and nose your way to his neck and run you lips along the spot. He’s practically growling his response, “You’re an evil woman, do you know that?”

“I’m sorry, I thought you liked this.” He pulls your chin away from his neck so you can see his face. The tender look on his face has you feeling gooey and warm. You spend the rest of the evening with your lips connected, taking all that you could give one another until – finally – you fall asleep to the sounds of his breathing.

[egotisticalmachine]

saw a post that was essentially like "actually the concepts of [cluster B disorder] abuse arent ableist because we do have abusive behaviors that we need to unlearn and so thats why our disorders are stigmatized" mf ive BEEN unlearning them. ive been teaching myself how to be less manipulative since i was in high school, and im still putting in the effort to improve but ive changed a whole damn lot from the kid i used to be. and just because someone exhibits some unhealthy behaviors does not mean theyre abusive. there is a difference between causing harm to others sometimes and being outright abusive. everyone hurts others on occasion. everyone has unhealthy and toxic behavior patterns they need to unlearn. thats not fucking unique to cluster B disorders.

i am not excusing people who ARE abusive and whose abuse DOES tie in with their cluster B symptoms, but im also not putting up with the fucking idea that its somehow all of our fault that other people want to assume were all heartless shitty irredeemable monsters. personality disorders are chronic and incurable but people with them can still improve and be kind, even if they make occasional mistakes just like how everyone else makes mistakes.

it is not ableism to call out abusive behavior and make the person responsible face consequences, thats entirely correct. it is not ableism to say that people need to put in effort to overcome harmful behavior patterns, also completely correct.

what IS ableism is assuming that everyone who struggles with cluster B symptoms is automatically a full blown abuser, and sweeping aside the progress that so many of us have worked so damn hard to make, just because YOU dont think that progress is good enough. i dont care if you also have a cluster B disorder, its still ableism. some of us have worked hard to be good people and dont fucking appreciate having that effort spit on. and if you feel that your toxic behaviors tread into the territory of being abusive, that is not my fucking problem just because we have the same or similar disorders.

and what ELSE is ableism is the fucking fact that people with cluster B disorders struggle so much to find any resources to improve our toxic behaviors because psych professionals see us as inherently horrible and everything written about our disorders revolves around how others can cope with being around us, how to heal from us, how to spot us, how to manipulate us before we can manipulate them. THAT is fucking ableism. a lack of resources because others are so hellbent on hating and blaming and hurting us. how are we supposed to even be expected to improve when nobody is willing to help us? and yet we do. despite everything there are those of us who improve. and its not fucking acknowledged.

because i value my blood pressure, im blocking anyone who wants to try arguing with me or putting words in my mouth.

[strawbrygashez]

Andre hcs bc he’s underrated 🗣

•While he will listen to Cals grunge & borderline emo music and finds himself enjoying it here and there, he loves aggressive music a lot more. Anything u could mosh too really. His favorite genres are industrial metal & nu-metal.

•If he was a little more confident in himself and wasn’t worried about being picked on for yet another thing, he’d dress a lot more metalhead-y if he could. I imagine his style would be a mix between mallgoth, metalhead, and some military aesthetics thrown in there. (I shared a hc that cal was talking about working at hot topic before and this kinda ties into that lol. I think andre really wanted him to get the job so he could have a excuse as to why his wardrobe was getting more alternative. Yknow? Like since Cals working there and he goes to visit him when he can, why not browse around a little?)

•He self harms mostly when he’s angry. He’ll hit himself/his head when frustrated, punches stuff, picks his skin, and burns himself occasionally. He also cuts too but not as much as Cal does. He makes sure his cuts actually look like cat scratches that Mel could have gave him.

•(somewhat not really a hc/basically canon) He has a couple mental disorders but his parents kinda have no idea. He keeps things going on in his head to himself. Even Cal didn’t realize how bad off Andre was until Andre began to really trust him. Seeing that Cal obviously had his own issues (the sh scars) made it a lot easier for Andre to share his problems. As emo/stereotypical as it sounds, he really didn’t think anyone would ever get him in the same way Cal does.

•Andre is just full on GAY. He kept that note that girl gave him ages ago because it just made him feel happy and flattered. When he burns it, he only does so because he feels like he needs to fully rid himself of anyone but Cal. (Bc let’s be honest, there really wasn’t any point of him burning it otherwise? They wanted to get rid of things like CDs, books, and games so the media couldn’t blame what they did on stuff like that. I don’t get how the media could have tied the little love note to what they did.)

•He really thought he’d be a dog person until he met a actual dog as a kid. He didn’t like how hyper the dog was & that it kept jumping on him. That’s why when his parents saw it seemed like Andre was becoming lonely sometime in middle school, they got Mel. He bonded super quickly with her.

That’s not to say he won’t give a dog attention & play around with it. He just prefers cats over dogs any day of the week.

•He likes going on walks a lot. Especially if cal comes with. He likes finding places that seems like no one else knows about. I think he’d be SO thrilled if they found a abandoned old tree house. He repairs it up a little bit, adds some things inside and then declares it the army of twos meeting place. (even if they actually rarely meet there lol. They r more likely to be at each others houses but they spend some nights, share secrets, plan things and whatnot up there.)

•He’s not shy really when speaking but words do get caught in his throat and he can be kinda awkward & can’t really read the room when he’s with a big group of people.

Yknow that “he asked for no pickles” meme? That’s Cal saying that with Andre behind him to me.. Andre just prefers not to speak unless it’s absolutely necessary (with people other than Cal) or if someone pissing him off.

•He can take just about anything apart and put it back together again. He fixes Cals siblings toys all the time. He even fixes their bikes too. But he can do more complex things like taking apart a computer and all that.

•He doesn’t have many memories from when he was in Germany. He remembers some relatives and just random odd things here and there but he mostly only has childhood memories from his time in the US.

•He cusses, shit talks under his breath, calls Cal both sweet and mean names all in german.

-He doesn’t do it as much as a older teen but when he would forget the word for something in English he’d say it in German.

-The first time he said I love you to Cal was in German since he knew Cal probably didn’t know what he was saying. Like I said he also calls him names too which Cal and Rachel would try to figure the translation for later online. If it’s something romantic, Cal always would go “Haha yeah this definitely wasn’t what he said.”

•He looks up to Cal so much and is jealous of him. He loves that Cal lets himself be more vulnerable & all cheeky/boyish. Andre for some reason or another feels the need to come off as the strong, more masculine and mature one of the two around others. He likes that Cal expresses himself through sappy shit like poems & music. Andre has it in his head that he always needs to bottle everything up which results in him being quick to get angry and lash out.

That last part is why he was always so annoyed by Rachel. He couldn’t find it in himself to even tell Cal that he doesn’t want him spending time with anyone else though it’s honestly pretty obvious lol.

[sm-baby]

Boop!

They are my OCs <3

Check the " #The headspace" on my tumblr!

Someone's headspace can look vastly different from someone else's! Mine personally is an office building! But some else's could be a school, a circus, anything! Anything that helps reflect themselves and express what feels right ;P

These are the big dudes,

Anger (her job is to protect)

Left brain (intellectual one..big boss)

Right brain (also known as "heart", also also doubles as "the body")

Anxiety (her job is also to protect and keep herself healthy to keep the host healthy)

The brains are mainly the BIG big dudes.

There are also those who work under them!

the only ones Ive draw for now are the Braincells and the Vessels but there are also:

Braincells(Brain)

Vessels (Heart)

Muscles(Anger)

Nerves (Anxiety)

The Core Memories :3

They double as "core memories" but also "ages"... A core memory is created by the beginning of the year, but can split if two or more BIG changes happen to the host.

Andd extra characters <3

We have

Judgement ( also doubles as Duality and Morality)

Her Jury (the ones who work under her)

The Pastor (also doubles as spirituality, beliefs, and religious trauma)

And we have entities who became "disorders"

Depression or "Muerte" (was "Sadness" in the past)

Envy (was "Jealousy" in the past)

Those who become disorders are not inherently bad! Anxiety is technically a disorder!

But while Anxiety is occasionally given to a nice mental hospital, there are some who were abused in an asylum that just made them worse.

The doctors in those hospitals are representations of meds... Anxiety basically got the meds that worked for her and envy and depression didn't.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my girlfriend to lose weight?

Okay, so that sounds horrific, but bear with me.

To be clear, I (23M) could not care less what weight she (27F) is or what she looks like. I love this woman with my whole heart and none of it is about her appearance. We’re pretty much engaged in all but name, the only reason it’s not official is because we don’t have money to even think of weddings right now, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her.

Thing is, she’s obese. Like, medically, not in a derogatory sense. This is massively affecting her health. She’s constantly out of breath, constantly in pain, constantly struggling, and it’s leading to other conditions such as sleep apnea. She thinks she has asthma because she’s always struggling to breathe, but I’m 95% sure it just comes down to weight and her doctor has said the same, but she tends to write it off as doctors being fatphobic.

Much of this is due to the fact that she used to struggle with binge-eating disorder. She no longer binge eats, but she does overeat in general because her body is so accustomed to constant food, so she gets painfully hungry and dizzy after 2-3 hours of not eating.

I’ve tried to encourage her to exercise with me, diet with me, count calories etc., but she gives up super easy when she doesn’t see immediately results. She also says herself that she finds it very difficult to see herself accurately - she has the reverse of “typical” body dysmorphia, where she sees herself as thinner than she is, so she genuinely sees herself as thin or like slightly curvy. (To be clear, she is very visibly obese, people comment on this often, and while I’ll be the first to go fists up if someone’s a dick to her about it as people have been I also am genuinely worried about her health.) Because of that she has no motivation to lose the weight because she just doesn’t see it. It’s bad enough that she’s been told by doctors she WILL likely struggle later in life with heart failure, diabetes etc if she doesn’t lose weight, yet her POV is more, “It can’t be that bad because I’m not that big so I don’t need to worry about it”. She has occasional reality checks, most recently she put her measurements into some site that shows an image of what you look like from a third person perspective, and she was completely shocked like “I can’t look like that. Do I? This is a wake up call”, but days later it’s completely lost and she’s back to saying she’s not that big again.

She wants kids with me, and I just absolutely do not want to commit to having children with her when I know there’s a not-insignificant chance she’ll have serious health issues in the future that could mean she’s not with us for as long as she could be. Both for the kids’ sake, and selfishly because I want her around! I don’t want to think about something happening to her earlier in life and being without her.

But I just don’t know what to do. Gently suggesting it hasn’t worked, saying I’m worried about her health hasn’t worked, saying I don’t want kids until she’s healthy hasn’t worked (even if she’s still overweight I really don’t care as long as she’s not in a “danger zone” y’know?), trying to meal plan with her hasn’t worked, trying to get her to keep track of calories hasn’t worked, trying to exercise with her hasn’t worked.

People I’ve asked in the past have told me to be firm about it, but I’m incredibly reluctant to do that - I struggled with anorexia for most of my teenage and adult life and I know how deep it can cut to have your weight criticised or commented on. I don’t want to be that dick who basically calls someone I love very much unhealthy and fat and tells her to lose weight or no kids or some horrible shit like that.

But I just. Can’t work out what to do. She does express a willingness to lose weight, she says she wants to, she just doesn’t have that motivation to do it. I don’t know what else we can try.

AITA for focusing on this in the first place? Like am I actually just being fatphobic, or is my own past with EDs influencing my thinking? Am I going about it all wrong? Should I just accept it as something that’ll be a potential issue in future and deal with it then or am I fair to worry about it early on?

What are these acronyms?

[sualne]

Listen as someone who has been obsessed with vampires like my entire life (but not in a ooh there sexy way its like the symbolism man of what vampires can mean) i am a huge fan of your op vanpire au.

I know you just made a post with lore (amazing art btw) but is there anything else about the au you want to talk about. Id love to hear everything

there's a lot of things i want to talk about the au!! im going to use the frantic energy from the year to get myself some bravery and say some of it is inspired by my own experiences with hallucinations and delusion (dont ask about it pls), with the au i want to explore what it would be like having the person who changed you being very literally stuck with you.

i love stories where characters end up sharing a mind and/or body, i also really dont like when its just good person vs bad person, nuance is a lot more fun lol. the relationship luffy and mingo will be forced into stuck as they are is something important to me. mingo is an awful monster but since he can feel everything luffy does he ends up trying to teach him how to live as a vampire, how to take care of himself. im also very found of the concept of parasite (they're literally the worst thing ever and so fucking scary, so naturally they keep coming up in my stories).

it's also about luffy's body and mind failing him, because of the mindlink he has a hard time knowing where he is, sometimes who he is, what is relationships were supposed to be with others, it gets complicated for him! how hard it is to go through one's daily life when your sense are all messed up! (mingo also struggles with that a bit, but this isn't about him, even thought it's new for him too he get used to it much more easily for plot convenience).

other's ppl reaction to the situation also, i feel, completely unconsciously was also incidentally inspired by my own fear of being seen as a monster or dangerous, something to be put down or locked away!

there's also a few jokes in that lore post that reflects this here:

bugs are a pretty common brand of hallucination, be they crawling in the corner of your sight or inside you, making you feel like a walking hives, this was a funny reference to that!

"surprisingly he doesn't start biting people or become violent." this is my not very subtle "mentally ill and neurodivergent folks aren't inherently dangerous pls stop killing us". the occasional euphoria from bloodthist is vaguely inspired by some manic episode, the happy kind.

there's more, about the way this is about trauma and feeling alienated, i guess this is also a "character realize they've got a disorder/develop one and now has to live with it" kind of story.

[keelanrosa]

started reading the cass review because i'm apparently just Like That and i want everybody crowing about how this proves sooooo much about how terfs are right and trans people are wrong to like. take a scientific literacy class or something. or even just read the occasional study besides the one you're currently trying to prove a point with. not even necessarily pro-trans studies just learn how to know what studies actually found as opposed to what people trying to spoonfeed you an agenda claim they found.

to use just one infuriating example:

Several studies from that period (Green et al., 1987; Zucker, 1985) suggested that in a minority (approximately 15%) of pre-pubertal children presenting with gender incongruence, this persisted into adulthood. The majority of these children became same-sex attracted, cisgender adults. These early studies were criticised on the basis that not all the children had a formal diagnosis of gender incongruence or gender dysphoria, but a review of the literature (Ristori & Steensma, 2016) noted that later studies (Drummond et al., 2008; Steensma & Cohen-Kettenis, 2015; Wallien et al., 2008) also found persistence rates of 10-33% in cohorts who had met formal diagnostic criteria at initial assessment, and had longer follow-up periods.

if you recognize the names Zucker and Steensma you are probably already going feral but tldr:

There are… many problems with Zucker's studies, "not all children had a formal diagnosis" is so far down the list this is literally the first i've heard of it. The closest i usually hear is the old DSM criteria for gender identity disorder was totally different from the current DSM criteria for gender dysphoria and/or how most people currently define "transgender"; notably it did not require the patient to identify as a different gender and overall better fits what we currently call "gender-non-comforming". Whether the kids had a formal diagnosis of "maybe trans, maybe just has different hobbies than expected, but either way their parents want them back in their neat little societal boxes" is absolutely not the main issue. This would be a problem even if Zucker was pro-trans (spoiler: He Is Not, and people who are immediately suspicious of pro-trans studies because "they're probably funded by big pharma or someone else who profits from transitioning" should apply at least a little of that suspicion to the guy who made a living running a conversion clinic); sometimes "formal" criteria change as we learn more about what's common, what's uncommon, what's uncommon but irrelevant, etc, and when the criteria changes drastically enough it doesn't make sense to pretend the old studies perfectly apply to the new criteria. If you found a study defining "sex" specifically and exclusively as penetration with a dick which says gay men have as much sex as straight men but lesbians don't, it's not necessarily wrong as far as it goes but if THAT'S your prime citation for "gay men have more sex than lesbians", especially if you keep trying to apply it in contexts which obviously use a broader definition, there are gonna be a lot of people disagreeing with you and it won't be because they're stubbornly unscientific.

Also Zucker is pro conversion therapy. Yes, pro converting trans people to cis people, but also pro converting gay people to straight people. That doesn't necessarily affect his results, i just find it funny how many people enthusiastically support his findings as evidence transitioning is… basically anti-gay conversion therapy? (even though plenty of trans people transition to gay? including T4T people so even the "that's actually just how straight people try to get with gay people" rationale for gay trans people is incredibly weak? and also HRT has a relatively low but non-zero chance of changing sexual orientation so it wouldn't even be reliable as a means of "becoming straight"? but a guy who couldn't reliably tell the difference between a tomboy and a trans boy figured out the former is more common than the latter + in one whole country where being trans is legal but being gay is not, sometimes cis gay people transition, so OBVIOUSLY that means sexism and homophobia are the driving factors even in countries with significant transphobia. or something.) anyway i hope zucker knows and hates how many gay people and allies are using his own study to trash-talk any attempts to be Less Gay. ideally nobody would take his nonsense seriously at all but it doesn't seem we'll be spared from that any time soon so i will take my schadenfreude where i can.

Steensma's studies have the exact same problem re: irrelevant criteria so "well someone ELSE had the same results!" is not exactly convincing. This is not "oh trans people are refusing to pay attention to these studies because they disagree with them regardless of scientific rigor", it's "one biased guy using outdated criteria found exactly the numbers everyone would expect based on that criteria, i can't imagine why trans people are treating those numbers as relevant to the past criteria but not present definitions, let's find a SECOND guy using outdated criteria. Why do people keep saying the outdated criteria is not relevant to the current state of trans healthcare. Don't we all know it's quantity over quality with scientific studies. (Please don't ask what the quantity of studies disagreeing with me is.)"

Steensma also counted patients as 'not persisting as transgender' if they ghosted him on follow-up which counted for a third of his study's "detransitioners" and a fifth of the total subjects and. look. i'm not saying none of them detransitioned, or assuming they all didn't would be notably more accurate, but i think we can safely treat twenty percent of subjects as a bit high for making a default assumption, especially when some of them might have simply not been interested in a study on whether or not they still know who they are. Fuck knows i've seen pro-trans studies which didn't make assumptions about the people who didn't respond still get prodded by anti-trans people insisting "the number of people claiming they don't regret transitioning can't possibly be so high, some of the people who responded must have been lying. (Scientific rigor means thinking studies which disagree with me are wrong even if the only explanation is the subjects lying and studies which agree with me are right even if we need to make assumptions about a lot of subjects to get there.)"

and this is not new information. not the issues with zucker, not the issues with steensma, not any of the issues because this is not a new study, it's a review of older studies, which in itself doesn't mean "bad" or "useless" -- sometimes that allows connecting some previously-unconnected dots -- but the idea this is going to absolutely blow apart the Woke Media, vindicate Rowling and Lineham, and "save" ""gay"" children from """being forcibly transed""" is bullshit. At most it'll get dragged around and eagerly cited by all the people looking for anything vaguely scientific-sounding to justify their beliefs, and maybe even people who only read headlines and sound bites will buy it, but the people who really believe it will be people who already agreed with all its "findings" and have already been dragging around the existing studies and are just excited to have a shiny new citation for it.

the response from people who've been really reading research on transgender people all along is going to be more along the lines of "……yeah. yeah, i already knew about that. do you need a three-page essay on why i don't think it means what you think it means? because i don't have time for that homework right now but maybe i can pencil it in for next semester if you haven't learned how to check your own sources by then."

[kindnessoverperfection]

Feel free to ignore this, but I'm a disabled writer who tends to focus on representation in my works, and I came across your posts about having npd while doing research for a side character in a story of mine. I really appreciate you taking the time to write out a description of npd that shows the roots of the issues and the way they affect the people who have it rather than how outsiders perceive it. I just wanted to ask if there were any traits of npd that you personally would like to see in npd representation/ if you have any thoughts on how you'd like to see characters with npd represented in media? I know at current there's basically no positive npd rep, which sucks for sure, but in a hypothetical situation where there was a character with npd who wasn't villianized for it, what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?

Once again, feel free to ignore this ask if I'm overstepping at all, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

Hi!! ♡ Apologies for the late reply, I wasn't on tumblr for a few days, then my alter was out for the next couple days and I wanted to be the one to respond-

I really appreciate that you're taking the time to research and create thoughtful representation, and I'm glad my posts could offer some help with that!

My first two thoughts are:

Characters whose symptoms present differently than the common portrayal of NPD

It's super common for people to not recognize NPD because they have this very limited view of what it is and how it can present - so it would be nice to see representation that shows variety in the way it can manifest.

For example, it's actually very common for someone with the disorder to primarily "lash in" rather than "lash out", but I never see that represented (intentionally, at least).

There's also a very limited perception of narcissistic characters being blatantly arrogant, grandiose, braggy, selfish, power-hungry, etc. But really, there's an unlimited number of ways someone can present outwardly, because the only thing that's crucial to the diagnosis is the internal experience - how if affects the person who has it. How they appear outwardly to others can vary wildly.

(I'll admit, some of these "stereotypical NPD" characters feel very relatable due to shared symptoms and vibes and power fantasies. To the extent that I have one of them as my pfp on some accounts lol. But if you met me IRL, my vibes are just "confident and bubbly, polite, quiet and distant, fashion-oriented, straight A student, cutesy, braggy, adventurous", and I always make the effort to be kind to people even though I can be somewhat distant and goal-oriented.)

It's also common to think of someone "flying into a rage" when they feel criticized - but anger (whether external or internal) isn't an inherent part of it. The issue is that someone perceives criticism as a threat, so their fight/flight/freeze/fawn response kicks in, and there's a large multitude of ways that can show up.

(Personally, I go into either fight or fawn mode. But the vast majority of the anger I've felt has been entirely self-directed, manifesting in the form of self-criticism, self-hatred, self-destruction, overworking, eating disorders, etc. I will occasionally feel outwards anger, but when I do, I give myself time and space to process it by myself so that I don't upset anyone. And even for those who feel external anger much more often than I do, it doesn't mean they'll express it in an aggressive or harmful way.)

tldr; I'd love to see a variety of outwards presentations, with the NPD being shown via their internal experience, rather than only displayed through stereotypical external behaviors.

2. Humanization for characters with NPD who make mistakes

People with NPD are human just like everyone else, which means that mistakes happen. Everyone accidentally fucks up, hurts someone, lacks self-awareness in certain areas, etc.

The level and type of interpersonal struggles, and the reasons behind these struggles, are all across the board. That's understood with any other disorder (or any sort of identity), but there's so much extra baggage and stigma applied when NPD is involved for some reason.

So for characters with NPD with higher interpersonal conflict, I'd want them to be humanized in the same way that anyone else with any other identity would be humanized. And I'd also want it shown that characters who don't have NPD can have high interpersonal conflict as well, that it's not limited to this disorder.

"what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?"

In terms of specific aspects-

Personally, I'd love to see a character who like... tries to be perfect. Is externally very put-together in some way - maybe they're very kind and soft-spoken and sweet, or they're silly and happy and energetic, or they're quiet and serious and protective, or calm and mysterious and self-assured, doesn't matter. But everything seems okay on the surface.

But internally, they put so much pressure on themself. They hold themself to impossible standards, and feel like they HAVE to be seen a certain way and never show weakness. They have to handle everything perfectly. Just... so many symptoms and struggles that are hurting them internally, and overtime it ends up bubbling out in small ways, or like. Tbh I'd love it if someone would just... notice.

Notice the perfect bubbly happy straight-A student who's always kind and never shares their own opinions. Notice the quiet, highly-skilled protector of the group who somehow always knows the right thing to say and the right way to act.

And give them permission to be imperfect. To be human. Show them that they aren't their reputation or their skills or how impressive they are, they're so much more than that.

They can see the pain they're in, and instead of treating them as this untouchable perfect being, they treat them in a human way.

The super bubbly character seems completely unaffected by recent tragedy? Okay. Their friend doesn't ignore that. They don't push and prod, but they don't ignore it. They sit with them, spend time with them, hold them, they know it affected them.

I'm imagining a scene where the character w/NPD fucks up somehow, and they seem fine, but someone close to them suddenly Realizes and they just. Go to find them. And they're just having a massive breakdown, but the moment they see their friend, they quickly try and shove everything under the surface and act cool and unaffected and "normal", but their friend goes over and just holds them and. Ungh. 10/10

Couple months ago I did actually see an episode of a show like that, and both times I watched it, I bawled my fuckin eyes out lol.

Different people may have different answers in terms of what they'd feel most comforted by, but for me personally, I'd love this so much, because this is how I present and I desperately want to be Seen and Loved and have someone see my self-worth as being inherent and not tied into how "perfect" I am.

Closing thoughts:

Personally, there's not much that I'd feel offended by. To be honest, in addition to characters who fit the above points (various presentations, average-level interpersonal conflict, etc.), I also write characters who have that "stereotypical" presentation. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as it's not done maliciously, especially if there's other types of characters shown. (Similar to having both gay villains and gay protagonists or side characters, y'know)

The only thing I'd dislike / that would hurt my feelings is like... seeing a character be heavily demonized for their traits*, or the only characters with NPD being horribly abusive, or the usage of stigmatizing language (aka, if the character is spoken about the way buzzfeed articles speak about us).

*aka, demonized for the symptoms. Totally fine if someone does something shitty and it's pointed out as being shitty / if people dislike them for that lol.

Hopefully this isn't getting too long, but to give an example of what I mean, something I saw that did hurt my feelings was like-

There was an episode of a show where a character got super braggy and confident, and was relishing in the praise and admiration she was getting. Hinging her self-worth on that recognition and success. And her friends got annoyed and pissed off, simply because she was braggy. There were a couple of things here and there she did that were kind of insensitive, but that was never really pointed out or seen as the main issue, it was only her bragging that was being demonized for some reason.

And then her friends all ganged up behind her back and did something to intentionally trigger a crash and make her feel insecure and terrible about herself, all to "knock her down a peg". And the narrative framed that as being justified, framed her friends as being correct in this situation. They never once showed concern for her mental health or the fact that she was hinging her self-worth on other people's opinions of her, they tore her down for her bragging instead of either a) supporting and uplifting her, or b) showing concern for unhealthy mindsets, and they never even tried to approach her or communicate with her about the things she was doing that actually were insensitive.

Hopefully that wasn't too much of a tangent lol, but that's the type of thing I mean by "being demonized for their traits". Hate when all a character is doing is bragging and feeling good about themself and the narrative frames them in an extremely negative light for it :(

Okay I will wrap up the post here as it's already pretty long, but hopefully this helped a bit!! Thank you for the question, and good luck with your writing! ^^

[aspd-culture]

I apologize, i know this is a “culture is” blog but i was wondering if you had any tips on unmasking? Its a huge struggle for me and its effecting my treatment and mental health severely.

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

Plain text below the cut:

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.