#perhaps it's just me but most of the time??? intention is deeply subconscious

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

harrison braindump on main but i'm revising the BB ch. 2 bathroom scene between him and suz for a class and something my prof mentioned to me in office hours has TOTALLY skewed the way I see that scene (in a great way).

they mentioned (more or less) that suz is entering this scene with an understanding that her son is humiliating her, which I think is so fascinating. they had pointed out this image of pool water being tracked alllll through a rich person's house (messing with the hardwood, staining the carpets, etc) and how that's such a... defeating moment for suz as a mother.

this was kind of a brainwave for me because a) I'd never thought of that even though duh (I mean... imagine your disaster 21-year-old child breaks into someone's house and floats in their pool fully-clothed and then is caught by the owners who pity him and call YOU instead of the police) and b) it's such an interesting reveal of a theme I hadn't even considered in BODY BACK--humiliation--and what it means to be humiliated and also humiliate someone else.

this whoooole book is a giant humiliation! for suz, she's totally getting the fact that she's not been a great mother thrown into her face--which is hard for her to accept because she's trying now (the question for her becomes: is it too late?). for harrison, he's experienced soooo much humiliation in his relationship with lonan & of course in his relationship with suz when he was a child, and now he's projecting all of that back onto her.

this scene is such a pain to edit--I didn't even like it when I shared some excerpts in my update--but something about my prof basically saying, 'if she enters it with a sense he’s humiliating her, that’s strong fuel,' revealed something deeply complex about BB to me... what does it mean to experience humiliation when you've been humiliated so many times, and what does it mean to almost carnally desire to humiliate those who've also hurt you?

that question, I think, has driven harrison to where he is now (24-karat territory) where his entire persona atm is quite humiliating (also cool but mostly humiliating lol). he's almost... desperately accepting that humiliation in fear that if he doesn't, it'll make him VERY aware of his vulnerability.

which... this gets even more interesting when we remember that in feeding habits, humiliation is a big theme for LONAN, so much so that harrison even notices it in narrative.

and then also to remember this chapter is ALLL about mary & jesus as much as it is about suz & harrison... and THEN to remember that when young jesus terrifies the living shit out of his mother by staying back in jerusalem, the first thing he says to her when she asks him "why did you do this, you scared me" could be interpreted as humiliating (he basically goes "why were you even worried, didn't you just KNOW I'd be in my father's house??")... like damn HAHA

[esther-dot]

I feel really bad for the originator of the Ashford theory, reading those posts you screencapped. It's not a 'crack theory' (unless they're putting it down because Jonsas took a serious hold of it), since structural foreshadowing is a basic storytelling tool. Hiding poetry in history, which seems a past-time GRRM particularly enjoys--- it's not just there to be there, but to lesson us in reading the past and make us understand the current story more deeply.

We should be confident in our analyses, regardless of whether we share a ship in common (I am do believe in Jonsa, but this goes for everyone), because storytelling can generally be trusted to be intentional. Anybody who wants to act like being incurious is more intellectually justifiable because it's less emotionally fraught is not worth spending time on. It is actually disappointing when stories are not considered and thoughtful (which is not a testament to so-called 'complexity'; The Little Prince is considered and thoughtful)--- fault in reading too much into things usually lay in perspective, less in doubt of substance.

Then again, Originator of Ashord Theory being possessive as claimant probably points more to dismissing it as crack because other people have taken ahold of it in a way they didn't like. If I am perfectly honest, were it not them having noticed it, someone else would have later (and someone else on Reddit did).

It's exactly the sort of thing I look for when I am engaging in a story because it is a tool I see used often. It was what attracted me to Jonsa, not that I was looking for evidence.

(about this ask)

The issue definitely wasn’t a lack of confidence in their own reading, they’re a tumblr BNF! I think Jonsas have written so much about it and so convincingly, it’s become widely viewed as a Jonsa theory and eclipsed the original intent which is their problem with it. Sometime ago someone shared an AltShift video here (a YouTube BNF), and he had included the Ashford Tourney as evidence for Jonsa, so I do think the goal of the blogger now labeling it “crack” is to detract from the Jonsa of it/for shipping reasons, not because they don’t believe in their own work.

As for the broader idea, I certainly agree that pre canon characters and events are written to add depth to the canon events. We can all expect that and look for parallels and contrasts with assurance that they are conversing with each other. It seems to me that every part of the fandom attempts that in some way, we simply come to different conclusions about what those things mean. I can look at something and accept a Jonsa interpretation but also understand, there’s another factor here too. And while I agree that many things are intentional in ASOIAF, I’m also aware that things can subconsciously influence and slip into a work. I recently watched this clip of Spielberg being told, he didn’t recognize this on his own, that he had included his parents love story in a film. Anyone might think, it had to be deliberate, but it wasn’t!

So, not saying anyone should be less confident, I just think it’s good to be aware that after a parallel is recognized, our interpretation of it is where we can all take off in different directions. For example, Jonnel and Sansa is perhaps the most beloved Jonsa foreshadowing (if it isn’t the Ashford Tourney 😅), and I absolutely think it’s groundwork for canon events. The question isn’t if it is, but how. Will it be a parallel, only, the point of the marriage this go around is to right a wrong? Give the girl her home back? (If say, Robb’s Will is recognized). I’ve questioned that simply because it seems like a big task to get everyone on board with Jon being legitimate and becoming their Lord and/or their King only to have them then immediately turn around and all accept he’s actually a Targ and will marry his “sister.” I wouldn’t be mad if that’s what Martin did, but when I think about how much agency he likes to give non POV characters, I’m a little skeptical he’d pull that turnaround off.

So then I think, well, maybe the idea is that unlike Jonnel, Jon will refuse Winterfell again and insist it is Sansa’s again only to ultimately be rewarded in the end by marrying her when she has the power to choose, and she chooses him? People have been very outspoken about how dumb they think the idea of Sansa being QitN is, and maybe that’s too much of a leap for the North because Martin does like his realism, but considering all the female heirs talk going on, Martin is certainly going to say something there, and Jon will have some complicating factors that might make Sansa more favorable to people.

Basically, Jon is a good person, he’ll do right by the Starks, is that the entire point? Look at the way the older generation of men treated women, this generation will be better? Or will Martin use the extraordinary circumstances to benefit Sansa / female heirs? Create an entirely new normal for the North? The story will talk to itself, but what exactly is it saying? That we can endlessly debate!

[firelxdykatara]

So I just got into Unicorn: Warriors Eternal (obviously), I was gonna pace myself on episodes but then I just kept watching but at least there should be another one soon lmao ANYWAY THOUGH I have some preliminary thoughts.

I am absolutely fascinated by the dynamics presented here. There's a lot of messy potential in the way none of their reincarnations worked quite right, but the only one of them who has a true FIGHT for their new identity is Melinda/Emma/Emmelinda and I think that's both telling and tragic. Edred seems to be the one who is the most "himself" in terms of his identity being the most recognizable (though I suspect his current personality was affected by the merge considerably more than usual, as he seems far less stoic than he was in his previous lives--which makes me wonder if Dimitri will make another appearance), while Seng feels the most actualized--he has the mind of a child but the cosmic awareness and connection of his reincarnation, but there still don't seem to be any traces of "Alfie" there (especially given what we saw of him before he got seng-ified).

But Emma is fighting. She is the only one of the three original hosts still struggling to maintain her own sense of self and identity. It is interfering with Melinda's ability to control her powers, but given how we saw her powers corrupt her mother in the past, I wonder if that might not be for the better. I wonder if the show is going to turn all of this on its head--the writing has been surprisingly clever (and far more emotional than i expected, eps 4 and 5 had me bawling), and it's an adult cartoon not a kid's show, so I wonder if we're not meant to suspect that there's more to the current set up than might be assumed at first glance.

In the flashback to Melinda's childhood, Morgan (and her parents being Merlin and Morgan le Fay tickled me pink) is immediately incensed that Merlin lied to her about their daughter having magic--he says "I knew your intentions", and it's framed like we're supposed to think that he believed Morgan would use her magic for evil. But perhaps she was telling the truth when she said she only wanted to protect their daughter--and given that it seemed to have almost a self-awareness not wholly connected to Melinda herself, I wonder if the more malicious or devious parent was actually Merlin, which would explain him immediately turning on his own child and blaming her for what had just happened even though it was not her fault.

(And so tragic and heartwarming in equal measure that Emma spent the next episode trying to convince Melinda that it wasn't her fault, despite the echo of what have you done ringing in her subconscious over every life she lived the past thousand years. Despite Emma's understandable resentment of the situation she's been forced into, she is a deeply compassionate soul and I think that perspective is what Melinda has been lacking for so long. She has been fighting evil [on her father's say-so] for over a thousand years and yet lost sight of what she was truly fighting to protect. It is telling that she had such trouble making herself access her powers the episode after chasing down the fox lady and terrifying that woman and her baby.)

Emma herself is interesting to me, because while reluctant chosen ones tend to start grating on me very quickly, the fact is that she can't resist the call for long--Melinda quite literally will not let her--but she provides a humanizing element to this fight that otherwise had not been present in who knows how many centuries. At the same time, lives are on the line and every time she tries too hard to balk at using her powers and taking up the mantle, she manages to make the situation worse. (See: bringing up the kraken instead of busting through that barrier herself, resulting in Copernicus' destruction)

And then, of course, there's the romantic entanglements. (I'm very much on Edred's side here if that weren't already obvious. Winston may get points when he goes all wolfed out but at the end of the day, it's white-haired pretty elfboy and his goth wife for me all day every day.)

I don't agree with a lot of the sentiments i saw while scrolling through the tag--Edred has very good reason to be pressuring Melinda (Emmelinda) to accept her powers and fucking use them already, because, again, lives are on the line constantly with this Evil around fucking things up and terrorizing the city and killing people. Plus, of the three of them, he's the one with the clearest memories of his own past. He has a thousand years of fighting this fight with his wife by his side, and I think quite apart from how fucked up things got with the reincarnations this go-round, he doesn't know how to FUNCTION without her. A thousand years is tough to let go, especially when they've done this whole song and dance so many times before and it was always relatively smooth sailing--a quick merge and then fighting on as if no time had passed at all. Of course he believes Emma is holding his wife back, not allowing her to reach her full potential with her powers OR their shared past--she's the only uncommon factor!

("She's not yours anymore" may have been a bit petty, but he wasn't trying to gloat there--I don't think he was even really expressing jealousy or possessiveness. He was delivering a hard truth. I wonder how many times in the past they were awoken inside bodies and souls that did have entire other lives planned out. Families. Children. We know they had descendants after awakening, given the quasi-doppelgangers that tried to tell the police chief the truth about them early on, but I wonder how many times they awoke, went to each other, and had to tell someone who loved them--who perhaps they had loved in return--that their husband or wife or mother or father was gone and never coming back. I think Edred was trying to tell Winston to accept the inevitable before he got hurt even worse.)

All that said, this time is obviously very different. It may be the key to breaking the cycle once and for all. There may be key truths they could never have learned while operating the way they had been, executing Merlin's 'flawless' strategy. I think, in the end, Emma and Melinda may have to find some common ground--as it sits of course there is prime fodder for fics exploring the consent or lack thereof involved in a dynamic like this, and I'm fully on board for Emma starting to catch some of Melinda's feelings in spite of herself and allowing Edred in, allowing herself to feel for him.

That half-second where Edred saw Melinda's spirit and she said his name before being shoved back into the custody battle for Emma's body--that hit me where it hurts. I have to believe they'll find some way to come back together. Especially given that brief but delicious shot of Emmelinda going absolutely berserk after seeing Edred get hurt.

(Meanwhile, my kingdom for fics exploring Melinda getting sick of waiting and just taking over completely. Emma stuck along for the ride and not at all sure she hates it as much as she should. I'm just saying, it'd be delicious.)

[opalesense]

How would the genshin Bois, zhongli, childe, diluc and kaeya react to a fem traveller stuck in a wall after a harsh battle, they'll help her get out right?...right?

a sight to behold

zhongli, childe, diluc, kaeya & f!reader (NSFW-ish)

1.9k words • ~13 min. read

warnings: just a lot of teasing & dirty thoughts

notes: i was practically rubbing my hands together with evil intentions when i saw this request but i’ll spare the graphic details for another time, otherwise this will be extremely long!! also i wrote them separately here BUT i wouldn’t be opposed if someone requested them to be grouped together instead... anyway, i hope you enjoy this!! >:)

THE WIDELY FEARED PRIMO GEOVISHAP was certainly a sight to behold from above. You quickly understood why so many people often avoided interacting with this beast – it was intimidating even while it slept soundly, its loud snores echoing throughout the cavern despite being so far down. As you stood on the platform above its sleeping form, you studied its details, noticing the element it possessed and strategizing your combat plan quickly, thankful that you could manipulate an element that targetted its weakness. Once you made up your mind, you let out a huff as you took a leap of faith down, letting your glider save you at the last second before you could actually make contact with the ground.

 Your companion followed behind swiftly, the two of you moving gently around the walls of the cavern, careful not to wake the beast from its slumber. In a low whisper, you began to describe your strategy to your partner, but alas, the beast suddenly awoke and interrupted your planning with a ear splitting roar.

 Without a second thought, the two of you dashed to the creature, loosely following the details of the plan you had based on what you were able to say before you got interrupted. The battle was fine at first, but you soon realized how out of sync the two of you became as the fight progressed. Your elemental reactions were getting poorly timed, and it was difficult to keep an eye on each other’s movements with the beast constantly thrashing about and blocking communication.

 In normal circumstances, the two of you excelled in combat together without needing any other support. Maybe it was bad luck, or maybe you bit off more than you could chew this time, but you noticed you were getting knocked around easier than usual. Things were obviously not going your way and you had to think of a solution fast.

 But before you knew it, your distraction with your own thoughts got the best of you. One single swipe of the geovishap’s tail sent you flying across the cavern towards the opposite wall then tumbling on the ragged, rocky edges of floor, certainly leaving cuts and bruises for later. To make matters worse, one more aggressive roar from the beast shook the walls of cavern enough to send chunks of rock tumbling down towards your injured body. Unable to form coherent thoughts, you knew you didn’t have the strength to escape the avalanche. Instead, all you could do was lay there, helpless and bracing for impact, praying to the Archons that you can be saved.

zhongli

 Zhongli made quick work of the beast, using his shield to deliver an extremely effective counter attack and finishing it once and for all. The creature wailed in pain in its dying moments before disintegrating into dust. He expected to see your face on the other side but alas, you were nowhere to be seen.

 “[Y/N]?” his face tensed as he tried to think of where you could have disappeared to. As his eyes darted around the cavern, he immediately noticed a tiny speck of color amongst the rocks on the wall that resembled your clothing. He quickly sprinted towards you, lifting some of the boulders off of you effortlessly using his geo manipulation.

 He began to subconsciously slow down once he saw the way you were displayed in front of him. Your legs were propped up slightly from the rocks underneath you that caved in from the impact. The way your hips curved up caused your skirt to fold back onto you, leaving you completely exposed under his gaze.

 Ungodly thoughts began to race across Zhongli’s mind. He couldn’t help but slowly undress you in his mind, thinking about all the things he could do to you in this moment of vulnerability.

You poor thing... If only we were not in such a potential dire circumstance of life or death, what would stop me from keeping these rocks on top of you, grabbing those hips, and pressing myself against you? It would be the perfect opportunity to keep you still while I have my way with you... Perhaps I should check to see if you’re okay first, and maybe I can trap you with these rocks myself instead. Certainly I could even lift you in a better position for a better fit...

“Stay with me, [Y/N],” Zhongli snapped out of his fantasy and continued to lift the boulders off of you, wondering if he should really go through with his urges. “You will be okay...”

childe

 Childe had noticed you fly across the cavern in the corner of his eye, and watching you land on the floor at such a fierce impact only fueled him to keep fighting. In a fit of a rage and frustration, he summoned his dual blades and quickly turned the tides of the battle towards his favor. He didn’t even need to watch the beast die to know it was dead within seconds, and after his final blow he quickly dashed towards where you landed only to find out you had been crushed by more rocks.

 He let out another yell of frustration, grabbing the boulders one by one and pushing them off of you. “[Y/N]? Can you hear me?”

 “I’m fine, just get these off of me!” you managed to call out from underneath the pile. Relieved that you were alive and well, he managed to push most of the boulders off but hesitated once he got a good look at the way you were laid out in front of him.

 With your legs dangling off the edge of the pile, your ass was comedically exposed towards him, the rest of your upper half still trapped within the remains of the avalanche. Funnily enough, the hem of your skirt had even got trapped above your hips that you were completely exposed, causing Childe to grin evilly.

 “Well, well, well,” he slowly walked over to you and placed a gloved hand on your bare cheek, still slightly out of breath from the heavy lifting. He gave a gentle squeeze, eliciting a gasp from you. “Is this my reward for helping you? If so, I’ll gladly take it now...”

 “Did you forget that I’m stuck? What if I’m badly injured?!”

 “In that case, I’m sure I can make all the pain go away and replace it with pleasure instead,” he gave one final squeeze and chuckled before walking away to grab another boulder. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding... But once you’re out, don’t expect all this help to come for free, you know.”

diluc

 Diluc watched you tumble across the floor with panicked eyes, immediately worrying about your safety but not letting that distract him from the task at hand. In the heat of the moment under the influence of rage and anxiety, he summoned his pyro manipulation to set his claymore ablaze and deliver multiple final blows to the creature, smashing its figure into bits. The beast cried in its final moments and when he was sure it was dead, he dropped his sword as he sprinted towards you.

 Pure panic settled in once he saw you had been crushed underneath the pile of rocks. He pushed himself to run faster, feeling tears form in the corners of his eyes but ignoring it. He didn’t want to lose you – not this easily.

 “[Y/N]!” he called out once he reached the site, “Can you hear me?”

 “I’m here, Diluc. I’m fine,” you reassured him. He deeply sighed in relief as he began to push the boulders off of you. Thank Barbatos you were alive and well! He shook the thought of you being fatally injured away from the forefront of his mind to focus on getting you out of this mess, using his strength to his advantage. But after a few rocks were pushed off of you, his eyes widened at the sight of you, a sight he will never forget.

 While your legs and upper body were still trapped underneath the pile, the first thing Diluc revealed was your ass, exposed by your skirt that was coincidentally trapped above your hips. Your thighs were pinned together, rubbing gently as you squirmed in the rubbish, trying to wiggle your way out. Or at least, he wanted to believe you were wiggling for the sole purpose of getting out, and not to tease him.

 With a nervous gulp, he averted his eyes away from you and resumed his work on the boulders. His mind couldn’t help but drift away into sinful corners, though. He envisioned the way he could firmly grab your thighs, pull down your underwear and...

 “Don’t scare me like that again,” he took a more lighthearted tone to cover up his urges, “I thought you were surely dead.”

kaeya

 After briefly witnessing you get thrown across the cavern, Kaeya managed to finally stab the beast in such a precise weakness point, making it wail in pain until it slowly withered away in its dying moments. He took no time at all to rush over to you, sprinting faster once he saw that you had been crushed by an avalanche.

 “[Y/N], talk to me,” he subtly asked for reassurance that you were still alive as he began to analyze the situation and pinpoint exactly where you were in all this rubbish.

 “I’m okay,” you weakly muttered with a grin, glad that he had come to your rescue, “Just a little bruised, that’s all.”

 Following the trail of your voice, he put his mind to work. He started to strategically push certain rocks so that others would naturally fall off of you without him needing to lift too much. After awhile, he began to spot one of your arms, then your other arm, and with each rock tumbling down he soon revealed the full picture.

 Or at least, a fraction of the full picture.

 He was relieved to see that you had wrapped your arms around your head for protection before the crash, avoiding what would have been an extremely dangerous injury. With your entire body from the chest down still trapped, you felt the need to stretch out your arms in the newly freed space and take a deep breath, glad to finally have some fresh air. “Good morning,” you joked on your bed of rocks.

 Even though he certainly felt some relief, he couldn’t fight the urge to tease you as he cooed over the sight of you so helpless underneath him. With an evil smirk, he pulled out one of the rocks that was supporting your neck, leaving your head hanging off the edge and eliciting a gasp from you. Before you could protest, he propped himself up against the wall with one arm, his body hovering over you and his crotch just inches away from your face.

 “Look at that pretty mouth of yours... You tempt me even in the most dire situations, sweetheart,” he let his free hand run slender fingers across your scalp, slowly massaging you. “Now that I think about it, I do deserve a prize for saving you, don’t I?”

 “Quit running your mouth and just help me get out of here,” you scolded him jokingly. He laughed and shook his head dismissively as he walked away to get back to work, fighting that strong urge to use your throat in such a vulnerable state.

 “If you say so, sweetheart. Maybe some other time.”

[shotosprincess]

what if... — shoto todoroki

“ what if we kissed then? just to prove that we don’t have feelings for each other. “

summary: ever since you and todoroki started working together as pro heroes, your friends simply wouldn’t let up on teasing you two, suspecting that there was something between you—something that extended past the bounds of business.

notes: fluff ,, todoroki being flustered ( aaaa he’s so cute bye ) the bakusquad teasing and egging ya’ll on ( their dialogue is color coded so it’s easier to read ! ) ,, denki being a little bit of a busybody <3

“ ooooh look who it is! the power coupleeee! “ the sing-song tone of denki’s teasing rung through the hall as he spotted you and todoroki entering the building from a long day of pro hero work.

grey streaks of dust and ash littered your bodies, streaks of sweat and diluted stripes of dried crimson staining multiple sides on both your faces. his hair was tattered and slightly singed from the discord of an especially-messy battle, yours was tangled in a hopeless mess. a heavy sigh leaves you. that would be a pain to brush through later.

your numbed fingers, body exhausted and worn out, run through your hair in a wordless frustration. shoto tenses up noticeably at denki’s playful comment. “ denki. we’re not a couple. “

his lips raise into a cheeky, if not mildly-irritating smirk as he leans further into the velvet couch, draping his arms round the back. “ oh yeah? take your arm off their shoulder then, shoto. “

your partner’s face lights up with a rose so brilliant, it almost even matched with the rubied strands of his hair. his lips tightly purse together, sliding his arm, which was, in fact, casually resting on your shoulder, off with a hurried swoop.

“ shut it, kaminari. “ he huffs in a low, almost even threatening tone as he walks past the energetic blonde at an increased pace. you frown. he seemed so worked up over it, and for what? it’s not as if this was the first time someone had poked at you for being a “ couple “—which you were not, but you were never the one to readily disprove their remarks, though delivered in a joking manner. it’s not as if you felt anything of the sort for him...right?

so then why was it so hard to admit that you weren’t anything more than what you were on the field? it was the truth, after all.

“ jeez, what’s with him? i was just kidding. “ sticking a lollipop into his mouth, he turns to lay down fully on the couch, stretching his back out with such leisure.

your eyes followed him as he disappeared past a corner, shaking your head in confusion. “ no clue. “

it was just one of the countless circumstances in which people had poked at the two of you for your not-so-platonic habits with one another, habits which, admittedly, hinted at something...more than friendship. more than a partnership. this was nothing new.

but of course, you pushed it all away, allowing the rumours and silly hashtags and fanmade edits and youtube compilations to completely ricochet off of you. however, the same couldn’t exactly be said for todoroki. shame.

you didn’t quite know why, but he always got so unexplainably tense about it whenever someone brought the topic up. he’d curl up his fists so aggressively it’d leave crescent marks the next day, rearrange his face into a scowl—it was clear that he hated it, joke or not. honestly, you didn’t have the guts to attempt to make them stop, for you knew that if you had, you just knew that the public would somehow find a way to turn it into “ proof “ that you were dating, all because he got so riled up and flustered. which was silly, really, since it was a perfectly normal human reaction to something like this.

though you can’t help but wonder if, perhaps, he did feel that way about you, and maybe that was the reason he—

no, no, what were you thinking? he couldn’t possibly...right? you were just partners. nothing more, nothing less.

but if he did think of you like that, would you want something more?

“ oh come on, just admit it! if not to the public, then to us at least. aren’t we friends? “

“ yeah, icy hot. i mean, seriously, have more guts— “

“ ...how many fucking times do i have to tell you, bakugou...we’re not a couple. denki, stop playing around. you’re egging him on. “ shoto’s harsh tone cuts sharply through the banter between denki and the overly-intense ashen blonde, bringing it to an abrupt end. it didn’t exactly last very long, though.

“ yeah, yeah. that’s what i said about that dumbass deku, and look where we are now. “ he rasps, a knowing smirk playing on his face as he pulls his now-blushing boyfriend close.

“ not everything is about love, bakugou. “ he smirks.

“ yeah, who knew you’d be the one to turn out to be such a romantic? “ denki laughs, earning a solid punch to his arm.

“ owww! that actually hurt. “ his lips jut out in a pout, rubbing over the blooming patch of light purple.

“ oh, shut up, idiot! “

“ you know what? fine. y/n? “

you pause, perfectly still and unmoving as the coldness of his eyes burned his unknown intent into you.

“ y-yeah? “

he strides over to you, appearing only inches away within the briefest of seconds. one of his hands quickly finds a home against your cheek, tilting it to look up at him. your heart pulsates at a nearly impossible rate.

“ kiss me. “

“ what? “

“ just this once. to prove that we don’t have feelings for each other. “ he says, rolling his eyes at denki and bakugou, who were futilely trying to cover their smirks.

heat rises to your cheeks, cauterizing them with an unfamiliar flame. “ oh! uh! i—sure.“

what other choice did you have? after all, you did want to prove to everyone that there really was nothing between you and shoto. or maybe, just maybe, you were also trying to prove it to yourself?

no, no. that couldn’t be. it couldn’t.

he wastes no time. his skin, cold and smooth, fingers like porcelain streams, grasp your chin with a fast-paced elegance which sends a prominent shudder down your back. his lips hover just above yours, and the tension buzzing between you is ridiculously electric. he’s so close, your heartbeat rings in your ears and his breath shallowly fans upon your face as he peers into your eyes with his own. you allow them to fall closed.

as if on cue, his lips meet yours with a gentle, albeit fairly aggressive peck. but as soon as they do, your chest spurns with the fibres of your heartstrings, embroidering them tightly into the knots of his own tangled past. you know what he said. you know what you said—it was all to prove that you didn’t feel anything for one another.

but then why did it feel so oddly...right?

he pulls away, and your lips suddenly feel empty, deserted. the electric thrum still prickles at your lips, wanting, no—needing, more. you hate how much your body craved him, how desperately you wanted for his arms around you again. there’s too much emotion, an overwhelming influx. it is near impossible to even articulate it, at least not in a way which could ever hope to properly encapsulate the undeniable magic of the moment. you were being so damn melancholic, and that was saying something, even for you.

when his lips leave yours, you cannot help but be frozen in your simple state of bliss, utterly dazed with hazy remnants of how annoyingly addicting it was. your eyes gloss over with a sense of want, sparkling with the same glitters his icy eyes met yours with. his hand remains on your cheek, but his touch softens against yours.

your silent stare prolongs for more than just the fleeting moment, as if you were subconsciously grabbing at it with invisible arms, reaching desperately to bring each other back. that was when it hit you; the blinding realization that you did, in fact, want this. want him. and yet, you couldn’t help but hesitate. what about him? did he want this? no, no, he couldn’t possibly. after all, this whole kiss situation was only because he wanted to prove that explosive idiot wrong, that there was nothing between you two but teamwork and good quirk compatibility.

your heart stings at the minor epiphany, the thoughts piercing at your head in an endless swirl of emotions. second-guessing yourself, wondering why you even cared whether or not he thought of you that way. or at least, how he didn’t think of you that way. the tiniest shine of a tear begins to coat your lashes when—

his lips crash against yours for a second time, his hand now trailing towards your scalp, weaving through the fibres as his lips danced upon yours. your guard, your hesitation fully melting away in his arms.

but alas, you made the mistake of allowing yourself to forget that people were watching too.

“ ha! i knew it! i fucking knew it! “ kaminari’s playful voice rings like the most annoying song ( in this moment, i mean come on, you loved the guy, but right now? not exactly helping your stance of “ we don’t see each other like that “ ) as his head peaks out from the halls.

instantly you break away, pulling from each other as your hand flies to clamp over your mouth, eyes bulging wide at what you had just done. you had just kissed shoto. in front of, well, practically everyone! since when did mina and kirishima even get here?!

“ shit. “ shoto mutters deeply, thrashing his hands into his two-toned hair in frustration.

“ shoto, i—i’m so sorry, i didn’t know they would— “

“ no, no. don’t apologize. it’s my fault. i...i shouldn’t have gone for a second ki— “

“ honestly, i think i would’ve been more mad at you if you haven’t. “

“ WHAT?! “ your little audience shrieked. your palms clasped right over your mouth after the admission, face burning with embarrassment. the words left you before you could even think them through. had you really just said that? in front of everyone? how carefree can you be?

you stare into the ground, focusing on literally anything but him.

“ hey. look at me. “

you refused.

“ y/n. “ his hand goes up to your chin, making you look up at him. the pout on your face is so plainly obvious, it makes his heart twitch in a slight pain. you could almost swear you heard mina squeal faintly at the boldness of his action, considering the predicament you two were currently stuck in.

“ what? “

“ i...i think i would’ve regretted it more if i hadn’t kissed you again. “

“ you—what? “

“ i...i didn’t want to pull away. “

“ holy shit. “

“ shut up bakugou! “

“ i wanted...i wanted it to last a little longer. “

“ jeez, and i thought i was bad at confessing my feelings. pft. this is just embarrassing to watch. “

“ same here. i mean you did ask midoriya out by yelling ‘ i love you, dumbass! ‘ from outside his dorm window. “

“ hey, idiot! we don’t talk about that! “

“ shhhh both of you! shut up! we are witnessing an important romantic moment here! “

“ i...seriously? “

“ seriously. and i—i don’t know what the hell this feeling....is. but i....i just— “

“ it’s okay. “ you shoot him a reassuring smile, the same kind you always did in the midst of battle, that comforting smile that let him know you had his back. you communicated with your eyes, though usually they were bloodshot with adrenaline and smudged with ash, there truly was no need for words. not with him.

“ y/n...i— “

“ awwwww aren’t they the cutest? now kiss again! “

“ mina. “ he shoots her a lightly cold stare.

“oh come on! let us have our fun, yeah, icy hot? “ bakugou slings his arm over kaminari’s shoulder, whose grin matches that of his blonde-haired counterpart.

“ i thought i told you not to call me— “

“ shoto. “

he immediately turns to you, slipping into serenity at the sound of your voice.

“ ah shit, here they go again. we get it, you’re a cute couple! “

“ mina, i told you. we’re not a co- “ his eyes snap to yours, lips parting in a hesitant pause.

“ not a what, icy hot? “ the smirk exuding of utter smugness upon bakugou’s face only spreads all the wider.

he allows his hands to fall, taking yours within his. there is a brief, yet definite moment of silence before he speaks again. “ i mean... “

your gaze is focused on the way his hands fully envelope yours, and the unexplainable, tingly feeling you’re getting from it all. despite that, you could still very well see mina and kaminari excitedly waving and bouncing in all sorts of directions, as if they were...cheering you on? it was almost as if they were more fired up about all this than you were.

keyword; almost.

“ shoto, i— “

and suddenly his composure and poise breaks, and all that’s left is the rare sight of shoto todoroki, stuttered in a blushing, shaky mess. “ i mean, i wouldn’t be opposed to it. not—not like i desperately want to or anything, but at the same time i—i just—fuck, why is this so har— “

you rise onto your tip toes, hands encircling his neck as you kiss him. what unknown spirit possessed you with the guts to make the first move, it was fully unbeknownst to you. but you weren’t complaining, no. not in the slightest.

“ HOLY SHIT?? “

“ my baby’s all grown up now— “

“ dumbass, they’re not your bab— “

“ they’re mine. “

“ i— “

“ that is, if you want to b— “

“ well no shit, dumbass! “ you jump into his arms, squealing as you squeeze him tight.

“ good. because...so do i. “

“ i told you! “

“ shut up idiot! “

“ hey, so now can we start a fan account for you two on instagram? i’m sure it’d totally blow up! “ mina squealed with a wink, holding up her phone, already halfway through the sign up process.

“ mina! “ everyone groaned in a laughter-filled unison.

so that was it, you supposed.

you did have feelings for each other.

[chosonore]

part three | epiphany

epiphany [noun. a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you ]

pairing: kamo noritoshi/f!reader

summary: your relationship with noritoshi was like a game of cat and mouse; no matter how hard you tried to escape from him, he would always find his way back to you.  

wordcount: 9.1k

content/warnings: friends to enemies to lovers, language, angst, smut!!!!, dom!noritoshi, noritoshi is mean, oral sex, fingering, begging, edging, biting? (he gives u a bite like once), dry humping, riding, lowercase intended [UNEDITED]

a/n: i... will not comment on this. lmfao i can’t believe i wrote all of this filth. please have mercy on me, this is the first time i’ve every written smut and i’m not really good at it fhuewhiu (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) i think this is the angstiest chapter by far but i promise, no more from the next chapter on! i hope you enjoy (´���• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ will also add the series playlist to the masterpost so check it out if you wanna!

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noritoshi watched as you angrily stormed out of the room, slamming the door forcefully. he leaned back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. now you've gone and done it. the words came out harsh and hurtful, force of habit deeply engraved into his brain. never was it his intention to hurt you so deeply, to push you away. but it was the only way to protect you from his family. noritoshi was well aware that he was a mere pawn in the stupid game that the clans were playing. he was the golden child, only accepted into the family because of his cursed technique. the cruelty he experienced was something he would never forget. he seeked revenge, for his mother and himself. but this was his own problem to handle, not wanting to drag his mother or you into this mess. 

for years, noritoshi had suffered quietly, his only motivation being the protection of his mother and you. rarely did he ever show any emotion, nor did he know many to begin with - but he knew he loved you. his suppressed adoration brought out ugly facettes of his personality: jealousy, frustration, anger. if his family ever caught wind of how much he loved and cherished you, it'd be the end for the both of you. he didn't doubt that they'd already arranged a partner for him to marry. noritoshi hated how they held onto traditions that had no place in this time any more. how they still engaged in these petty clan fights when now it was most crucial to stick together. he swore to himself, as soon as he would become clan head, everything was going to change. but until then, he had to get through this.

how much longer he could deal with this, he wasn't sure. it did bother him that you got so much attention from everyone else; it irked him even more to see that you flirted back sometimes, completely unaware of the effect you had on them. his heart yearned to be yours. as much as he didn't want to be selfish, he couldn't help but indulge. noritoshi still felt your lips on his, your smooth skin, how pliable you were in his arms and how you gave in, into him. was it unfair of him? he supposed so. if he ever got the chance to explain the entire issue to you, he would have to beg for your forgiveness, undoubtedly.

summer rolled around faster than you’d anticipated - it meant that you could finally get some room to breathe and just do nothing for a while. the third years had graduated a week prior, making you feel a little sad and wistful. you’d miss todo a lot now that he left the school but made him promise that he would drop by whenever possible. noritoshi however- you hadn’t spoken a word to him ever since that incident. it was frosty between the two of you, even the teachers had noticed and tried to not let you close to each other. while you hadn’t thought about him in a while, sometimes the thoughts were creeping up on you. some type of closure would have left you feel more at ease but having talked to your mum about the issue, it helped you move on. regardless of how he had made you feel, you would live your life for yourself now.

summer break was long and you didn’t have anything in particular planned - the two main events were your summer vacation with miwa as well as your training camp at tokyo tech. the spring tournament also had its good sides, you guessed, you were able to ask shoko and gojo to teach you over the summer. having witnessed shoko’s healing abilities first hand, you were hellbent to become as good as her. never again would you feel anxious and useless about your skills, you would become an excellent on field healer. you were looking forward to spending time with everyone there as well, especially since yuta was coming home for the summer break. you couldn’t shake the little crush you had on him, it creeped up on you whenever you talked on the phone or texted each other. subconsciously, you hoped that something would bloom out of it but hope was a fickle thing that could quickly turn into misery.

before you left for tokyo, you decided to visit your parents at the kamo estate, hoping that you wouldn’t run into noritoshi on your way there. as far as you knew, he was busy on missions, rarely ever coming home. you greeted the guard at the front entrance, making your way to your family’s little house near the outskirts of the estate. despite the uncomfortable atmosphere that was surrounding the entire estate, you still couldn’t help but fall in love with the gardens and sculptures over and over again. you couldn’t lie, growing up here was wonderful. deciding to make a little detour to the koi pond, you skipped towards the arch bridge. below you, the fish were happily swimming around, glimmering in all kinds of colours. you peered at them, leaning against the railing. as a child, you always liked to dip your feet into the water on hot summer days, promptly earning a disapproving glare from your mum. you always ignored her though, claiming that she couldn’t stop you from getting some kind of refreshment.

as you watched the koi and took in your surroundings, footsteps made you halt in your musings. one of the kamo elders must have gone on a stroll around the gardens; you whirled around to greet the person. your throat grew dry and constricted when you saw noritoshi walking towards you, looking so casual and carefree in his loosely tied yukata. should you greet him? after all, this place was his in some way. but your friendship (could you even call it friendship?) ended on a bad note, did you really owe it to him? neither of you made a sound until he stood next to you, leaning against the railing. you tried your best not to look at him and focused on the pond below you, staring so intensely that you thought you might have lasered some holes in the surface beneath you.

how much longer would you stand here? could you just leave? but then, wouldn’t it be even more awkward? not that you cared anyways. you hadn’t talked to each other in months. as you pushed away from the railing, noritoshi cleared his voice and turned his body towards you. 

“y/n.”

you froze in your steps, looking at him like a deer in headlights. behind you, the wind was rustling up the leaves, adding to the tense and awkward atmosphere. you tried not to scream at him in frustration - it would only end up in yet another fight. yet, noritoshi looked strangely vulnerable in this state, seemingly not knowing what to say to you either. it appeared he simply spoke to you without considering how to further the conversation. he looked like he wanted to reach out to you but simply didn’t know how. you couldn’t fall for this - it had happened before.

“how have you been? i heard you’re going to tokyo tech for training,” he started after a moment of hesitation and gave you a wry smile. huh? you were confused. why was he asking you about this now? it was because of megumi and yuta, wasn’t it.

“it’s… it’s none of your business,” you said with a strained voice. even though you felt uncomfortable with his presence around you, you couldn’t take a step away from him. perhaps you were hoping for an explanation from his side. perhaps you were just relieved to see he was okay, after all the missions he’d already been sent on. “i don’t see how i owe you an answer after… everything that happened between us.”

noritoshi stayed silent, balling up his fists. “you’re right. i’m sorry,” he mumbled, hiding his hands in the sleeves of his yukata embarrassed. “i… i want to explain myself. at least as much as i can tell you and if you’re okay with it. can we move it somewhere more private? i don’t want any of the elders seeing us.”

you hesitated. on one hand, noritoshi sounded sincere but your history spoke for itself. and yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to deny him. like a moth to flames, you were always drawn to him. like the center of your universe, everything revolved around him. curiosity got the better of you, nodding before you could stop yourself. noritoshi let out a sigh in relief, stepping towards a more secluded area on the estate, one that you were very familiar with. as children, you used to spend time there a lot, hidden from your parents eyes and without any care in the world. the little corner was surrounded by tall cherry trees, adorned with smaller bushes and a little bench underneath the tree crowns. as noritoshi made his way there, he glanced behind him, making sure that you wouldn’t just leave him and vanish. true to your word, however, you trudged behind him and kept your distance. not once did you look him in the eyes, avoiding his gaze altogether. you were afraid it would make you weak in your resolve, walls crumbling and falling apart like paper mâché.

arriving at the bench, the two of you sat far apart, mirroring the distance between your hearts. you reminisced the old times, the memories making you queasy. whenever you spent time here as children, you would sit close to each other and read books together or just told each other stories. all that’s left was bitterness, heavy and suffocating on your tongue. “what is it that you wanted to tell me?” you questioned him, folding your hands on your lap. you were clenching your hands hard to keep them from trembling, not wanting to show him any weakness.

noritoshi was questioning his own resolve - he shouldn’t tell you anything, should’ve stayed away from you. the yearning was too strong; it was one of the few times he would ever get to see you again before being sent to yet another mission. noritoshi wanted to be selfish, to savour your presence until he was satisfied. maybe you would understand, at least a little bit. he didn’t expect you to forgive him, nor did he think you would let him crawl back into your space. but being close to you was enough.

“i know no amount of apologizing is going to make this better or even take the pain you’ve felt from my treatment but i want you to know that i’m really sorry. you didn’t deserve that whatsoever. i can’t tell you the exact reason why but- but i don’t want to leave you in the unknown any longer,” noritoshi recited his reasons so fast that you almost weren’t able to follow. with each word, your confusion visibly grew. but instead of feeling anger, as you should have, your heart grew heavier with disappointment. his confession was somewhat of closure but not quite. why couldn’t he tell you the reason? was it really so important? important enough to hurt you? you couldn’t understand and you didn’t want to.

“i don’t understand. why can’t you tell me? in case you didn’t realize yourself, this entire thing makes no sense. i don’t understand why you suddenly started hating me. we were close friends, we grew up together. are you telling me you never felt that way? that you weren’t and still aren’t able to trust me with this… reason? and why would you dump this onto me now? i would’ve been content not knowing anything at all,” you vented frustrated, sending him a glare. noritoshi was taken back by your outburst, gnawing at his bottom lip as he looked at you guiltily.

“i… fuck, i don’t know how to explain this without giving away too much, okay? i know it’s stupid but it’s complicated and i don’t want to drag you into this. i trust you, more than i trust anyone but this wasn’t… it wasn’t because i didn’t trust you,” noritoshi took a deep breath. “my entire goal was to protect you by keeping you away from me. and yeah, that was the only way.”

“but why-”

“now that i’ve left school, i’ll most likely be traveling a lot… i won’t be able to see you, let alone keep my eyes on you to make sure you’re okay. i just wanted to be fucking selfish for once, just needed to see you again. you don’t want to see me, i get it. i’ve been nothing but cruel to you and i don't expect you to ever forgive me. but i promise i'll make it up to you."

"noritoshi," you clenched your jaw, brows furrowed as you leaned over, jabbing your finger at his chest. "i don't want to play this game of cat and mouse with you. let's just stay away from each other, okay? nothing good comes out of it anyways. either you want me by your side or you don't, easy as that. you don't get to decide when to get back into my life just because you feel like it."

you just couldn't show him how hurt you were. whatever opening you would reveal, noritoshi would use it against you. he had always been and will always remain your weak point. you made peace with the fact that he was your first love but would probably not be your last. a dam broke inside you as you felt the warmth of his chest, memories flooding your senses. that day was long forgotten, exiled out of your memories until now. there was never a moment that allowed you to reflect on it. you couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it and his confession had confirmed the suspicions. noritoshi wasn't the type to engage with people he strongly disliked, much less be intimate with them. there was more to it that he simply refused to disclose to you. you had to put an end to this endless circle - a clean cut until the two of you were ready to face each other again.

taking a deep breath, you withdrew your hand and clutched it to your chest. "this isn't going to work out the way it is. you keep pulling and pushing, without giving me an explanation and- and i'm tired of it. i'm tired of getting hurt. i used to like you a lot, i had a crush on you-"

"you what?" noritoshi visibly paled, unnoticeably inching closer to you. he never realized.

"-and i kept hoping that one day you would return the feelings. i'm a fool, for thinking we could ever get anywhere," you smiled bitterly, slowly getting up from the bench. "let's go back to being enemies, okay? pretend this never happened. it's obvious we need to grow as people, independently from each other. maybe it's good that we'll go separate ways… if fate wants it, we'll find back to each other. and hopefully by then, you'll have a good explanation."

conflicted, you didn’t take another step, staring down at him. he looked small and meek as he sat there with his usually broad frame hunched over and kept his eyes on the grass below him, fiddling with his fingers. as if sensing your gaze on him, noritoshi tilted his head to look at you. his mind was elsewhere, far far away. he didn't realize he was staring at you with blank eyes until you came closer and leaned down concerned. you were so close to him, he could almost feel your breath fanning across his skin. you liked him. noritoshi fucked up, majorly, and he felt like everything was slipping from his fingers. his carefully constructed walls, the mask he kept on at all times and the unwavering resolve to push through until he'd become the head of the clan, they all came crumbling down when you announced that you would leave for an indefinite amount of time.

"don't leave," the words came out like a whisper, barely audible in the chimes of the wind. your eyes widened ever so slightly at his words, heart clenching at the sight of such a vulerable noritoshi - a reflection of your 'toshi. he reached out to you, hesitantly glasping your hand in a weak grip. as if he was afraid, prepared even, that you would go anyways. "please," he pleaded a second later, intertwining your fingers with his. like the wings of a hummingbird, your heart was fastly beating at this display of intimacy. it made you feel warm and cold at the same time, filling you with dread and the looming fear of consequences.

but what would he do if his last source of hope would leave him? ever since his mum left, he sparsely had contact with her until the contact eventually ceased to be. never did she reach out to him or react to his attempts to rekindle the relationship. throughout his adolescent years he had lonely, the guilt gnawing at his conscience. if only he could be stronger, more resilient. stand up to the elders and stand tall and proud, being nobody else but him. you gave him hope, that he could someday return to you, even if it remained a simple friendship. a beacon of light would always be one as there was always light at the end of the tunnel. panic filled his head as he realized that you would abandon him and this time it would be final.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry," noritoshi mumbled in a begging tone and slowly drew you closer, until you stood between his legs. his face was basked in the evening light, accentuating all the features you liked about him. his kind, steel blue eyes that harboured depths of emotion and mystery like a restless ocean. his long hair that flowed with the wind, not being wrapped up in the bindings for once. the wisps of hair that framed his slim face. it was an unusual sight, making your heart clench in melancholy. he looked so innocent like this, the gentleness in his facial expressions more visible now. as if feeling your resolve slipping away, he took the opportunity to wrap his arms around your waist and pressed his face in your chest, exhaling shakily and slowly. you let him, gently petting his hair.

underneath his breath, noritoshi murmured something. his voice was muffled in the fabric, making it difficult to understand what he was saying. you made a confused sound, leaning down slightly to better listen to him. not expecting him to move as well, you suddenly found yourself face to face with him and much closer than before. "i love you," he breathed out, pressing his lips against yours in a fluid motion. they felt scalding against yours, as if reminding you to stay away and yet soft, inviting you back in. finally gasping for air, you pulled away, fingers coming up to touch your tingling lips. noritoshi gave you a hopeful look, fingers dancing across the expanse of your back.

slowly, you backed away from him, avoiding his glance. you were in shock, not being able to process his confession. the entire confrontation had quickly escalated and you weren't able to follow. though the words made your heart clench, you couldn't help but feel like they were empty words. empty, simply thrown into the mix to elicit some kind of reaction from you. "i'm sorry, noritoshi. i- i can't return this, nor do i… i don't feel like i can believe you," you told him with a heavy heart. he opened his mouth, about to retort something when you cut him off. "please just let us move on from this, okay? i- i'll leave now." you sprinted away from him, tears stinging in your eyes. how could words that you've always wanted to hear hurt this much? how dare he play with your emotions like this, using your weakness to his advantage. he wasn't serious, and you were sure of it. there was no way in hell, after all those years that he'd spent being a menacing asshole.

love was a fickle thing but what was it between noritoshi and you? treading the line between love and hate, tilting more towards the other but not quite. never far apart and connected to each other like an invisible thread of fate was intertwined between you. it wasn't love and it wasn't hate but everything in between.

you stared at the piece of paper in your hands, mildly offended. how dare gojo? why would he do this to you? yeah right, because he liked to see you suffer. and he wasn't even here to get an earful from you. clenching your teeth, you tossed the note on your table and moved towards your closet to pack. it was no use complaining about it, in the end the mission had to be accomplished either way. years you'd gotten away with rarely ever meeting noritoshi. the sorcerer community wasn't big to begin with but with skill and determination, you were able to dodge every encounter. the handful of times you met, he always kept his distance though you always felt his watching eyes on you. megumi had told you that noritoshi was to become clan head soon - the elders had finally given in and the handover would be taking place soon.

apparently noritoshi had proven himself to them, both in strength and leadership skills. even you had taken notice of this. you'd only caught a brief glimpse at him at the last gathering but could tell that he had matured, exuding an authoritative and strong aura. but you had grown as well, no longer the meek girl you had been. you were more confident in your skills now thanks to your diligent training with shoko and yuta. moments of insecurity rarely entered your mind anymore. the relationship, or rather lack thereof, between you was rather frosty now, merely limited to an awkward greeting or a simple nod. the tension was palpable, no one wanted to come in the line of fire. for the most part, people had left you alone and not dared asking about the issue, not even your own mum. but of course, gojo then had to enter and send you on this stupid mission that apparently had to be done in pairs. you would’ve been fine with anyone but noritoshi.

it was a rather unpleasant curse that you had to deal with, gojo told you that it required two people to keep it in check. though you didn’t understand his reasoning, seeing as noritoshi was a grade one sorcerer now. gojo had simply left you a note on your door after he left for his own business (pure cowardice, in your opinion). the note let you know that you would be staying overnight, gojo had already booked a hotel room for you and gave you instructions for the report that you had to fill out later. you were to meet up with noritoshi at the hotel before then heading out to investigate, work out a strategy before attacking. you sighed, tossing the bag near the door before crawling in your bed. how would you face him again, for an extended period of time, after all those years of silence? it was best to just get it over and done with, efficiently and quickly. depending on how fast you were, you might even be able to catch the last train home. you couldn’t sleep, feeling restless and anxious about the entire situation. still, you closed your eyes, trying to get your mind to rest. but all that floated around in your brain was the sound of rustling leaves, accompanied with soft lips on yours.

coincidentally, noritoshi was already in the city the curse was situated at, deciding to then check into the hotel first before you’d meet up. he would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous - he didn’t know how to navigate the entire mission with minimal communication. he knew you didn’t want to talk to him, choosing to give him curt and snappy responses instead. cooperating was out of question, you disliked his presence and he could feel it. seeing that gojo had coordinated this (instead of doing the mission himself, like he was supposed to), noritoshi didn't expect anything to go well. weeks prior, gojo had pestered him about the title that was bestowed upon him. "so what's your first deed as the kamo clan head?" he had questioned noritoshi, grinning from ear to ear. noritoshi had shrugged and simply told him that he would go about his day. there were no plans, not yet at least. "so you're not gonna go and woo your lady?" this all knowing idiot. just thinking about it made his blood boil again.

noritoshi’s patience was already wearing thin upon seeing that gojo had booked one room for the two of you. with one bed only. he swore that gojo's secret skill was to give everyone headaches. complaining was useless, the hotel couldn't give him another room as everything was booked out due to it being the summer holidays. they'd deal with it somehow, even if he would have to sleep on the floor. noritoshi was placing his bag and outerwear in the closet when the door clicked, signaling that you'd arrived. for a brief moment, your eyes met but as soon as they did, your eyes had flitted somewhere else. you placed your bag on a nearby chair, rummaging in it until you found your sword and other supplies that you would be taking with you.

noritoshi remained silent, not wanting to upset you. he waited until you were ready to go, soundlessly following you. it was awkward but expected. at first, he was somewhat able to tell what you were looking for and gave you pointers in the right direction. it seemed to irritate you and you started venturing off on your own, simply leaving him behind. it frustrated him, after all you had a job to be done and needed to be as careful as possible. as a result of your uncooperativeness, it took longer than usual to map out a strategy. even longer because you refused to follow his suggestions and rather made up your own, knowing full well that they weren't as efficient.

the aftermath was… rather unpleasant. while there were no casualties, the two of you looked absolutely filthy and were in need of a good shower. noritoshi was angry, he didn't want to blame you but the entire situation got incredibly messy because of your stubborn head. hadn't you attacked him on your own, he would've been able to get rid of the curse swiftly. you'd snapped at him, asking him what his problem was. after all, the mission was finished and over with. involuntarily, noritoshi had to snort. you came back to the hotel late, far past midnight and still, you had the nerve to nag on him the entire way there. he'd let you use the shower first before hopping in himself. without a word you left the hotel room to grab yourself some snacks, stomach growling in protest.

noritoshi was seldom petty; as he put his robe on and entered the room, discovering that you hadn't come back yet, he promptly decided to give you a taste of your own medicine and stubbornly take the bed. what would you do about it now? he was peacefully reading a book in the dim lighting of the room when you came back. you almost dropped the snacks that you grabbed, narrowing your eyes at him. noritoshi ignored you, turning another page in the book unbothered. huffing in annoyance, you stomped over to the other side of the bed. noritoshi continued to ignore you.

"i'm not sharing a bed with you," you stated, crossing your arms in defiance. you didn't have any other solution but you were not going down without a fight.

noritoshi just narrowed his eyes at you and replied equally annoyed: "childish much, huh? just put some pillows between us if it bothers you that much. we're adults, for fuck's sake. and we've shared beds before, so i don't know what your problem is."

at this point you were fuming, you'd rather sleep on the floor than go anywhere near him. you wanted to wipe that stupid look off his face because you knew he was right and he knew it too. you were being childish and you couldn't deny it. there was no real reason to the quarrel, you wanted to be as insufferable as possible.

"it's different now!" you hissed indignantly. noritoshi looks at you incredulously, not getting your point. "you're a man now and- and it makes me uncomfortable!"

truthfully, it was more the fact that you were painfully aware of his presence now. noritoshi hadn't noticed but your feelings came crashing back in, filling the entirety of your being with yearning. each and every time he came too close, you dashed and didn't give him the opportunity to look at your face. the pained expression on your face was obvious, you weren't able to hide it. despite the hostility, you couldn't help but care. no matter how much you denied it, you would always habour feelings for him and were very much attracted to him.

"that's why i told you to put pillows between us??"

okay, that's it. "i can't stand being anywhere near you! you're a prick and i hate you," you snarled at him. to seal the deal, you hurled one of the pillows at him and watched triumphantly as it hit his chest. the angry look in noritoshi's eyes, however, told you that you fucked up. gritting his teeth, he tossed his book aside and lunged to grab you. you squeaked in surprise and wiggled out of his grasp, wrestling out of his arms until you stumbled and awkwardly landed on the bed, beside him. noritoshi keeps a tight grip on you, glaring down at you. now you've really crossed the line. 

all confidence left your body when he hissed: "what. is. your. problem." you fucked up, royally. once noritoshi was mad, you were in for a ride. it was best to keep him in good spirits, appease him a little so he would ease up. you scrambled panicky and tried to apologize, pathetically wiggling in his arms.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry! i didn't mean it, please let me go!"

noritoshi kept a steel grip on you, moving between your legs and pinning your hands to the mattress. his face inched closer, you could feel his breath fanning across your neck. you stayed still, breath hitched as you waited for his next move. noritoshi's voice was raspy, lilting with an emotion that you couldn't decipher. "you're being a brat, y/n. look at yourself, you've hurt me… tsk, how are you going to make it up to me?"

you couldn't tell whether he was joking or genuinely hurt - your intuition told you that he was simply playing with you as payback. no matter how far away you strayed, you always seemed to find yourself back in this position. he was hypnotizing, alluring even. not giving him a reply, you stared at the ceiling, frozen in thought. while you'd been intimate on more than one occasion, noritoshi had never acted this way. so… possessive and strict, the tone in his voice told you that he wasn't up for any more quarreling. you were at a loss for words. 

noritoshi, not being happy with not receiving an answer, decided to take matters in his own hands. he nipped at your neck playfully, making you yelp in surprise before pressing kisses against your neck. your skin was tingling, shots of electricity moving up your spine. when there was no objection on your end, noritoshi took it was an okay to continue. hands squeezing yours, he resumes his work, giving you soft and almost unnoticeable kisses. other times, he was pressing harder, sucking your skin gently. you wondered whether he left some marks - delirious on pleasure, your mind focused back on him.desire overtook you, no longer was your rationality at the forefront. in the depths of your heart, an emotion that rarely made an appearance emerged. it was flooding your senses, your conscious and mind, begging you to give in.

by the time noritoshi reached your lips, you were writhing. you expected him to kiss you but then he stopped, making you involuntarily whimper. you wanted more, wanted to savour it. a small smile found its way onto his lips as he brushed your hair back and cupped your chin, making you look at him.

and you swore that he knew, he just had to know what a mess he's already made of you in such a short amount of time as he asked, "what's wrong hm? what do you need, baby?" you fell for it, hook line and sinker. you thought to yourself, fuck it, the opportunity was right there. he may be an insufferable dick and you might fight more than you get along but the opportunity was there and god, did you want to be selfish. for just one night, you wanted to be his. you leaned up to kiss him but noritoshi pulled back, clicking his tongue, repeating again and this time more firmly, "what do you need?" 

you couldn't help but stare at him, how his slightly damp hair framed his face, his chest that was exposed by the loosely tied bathrobe and how it revealed parts of his thigh. you wanted to see more of him, touch him. there was a burning feeling inside your chest, it was clawing at your skin, trying to break free. you grew more restless as he stayed still and gave you a stern look until you grasped the hem of his sleeves and whimpered quietly, "please kiss me."

it felt like an eternity until he pressed his lips against yours, everything that was so unmistakably him flooded your senses. his scent wrapped around you until your brain couldn't make out any more coherent thoughts other than him. 'toshi, 'toshi, 'toshi, your 'toshi. he moved so languidly; his lips were warm and soft but bruising at the same time, kissing you with fervour. you began to ease into the kiss, letting go of all your inhibitions. you could worry about it later, you'd decided, this is a future you problem. you wiggled in his hold, hands coming up to push at his bathrobe. noritoshi didn't budge and continued to kiss you, sucking your bottom lip - your hands became more restless, desperate to touch him. he made an unenthused noise, biting your bottom lip as if warning you to not push him. still, he somehow obliged and sat back on his heels, taking his bathrobe off and throwing it haphazardly to the side. 

he looked ethereal, somewhere in the distance you thought you can hear angels singing. you reached out to touch him again, earning you yet another warning glance from him. “where do you get the confidence to do whatever you want after that little stunt you pulled earlier?” he questioned you in a low voice. whatever snarky remark you had on your tongue was thrown out of the window when noritoshi leaned down to touch you, slowly pushing your oversized shirt up to reveal your shorts, then your bra. 

your breath hitched in your throat, you couldn't tell what he was thinking because even in this state he kept his perfect poker face on. and when he undressed you, you almost felt embarrassed of how eager you were to rid yourself of your clothes. yet you felt exposed - noritoshi didn't make a sound as he just studied you as if you were a luxurious meal presented on a silver plate, the sound of his breathing alone making you squirmish. he didn't give you the satisfaction of a compliment nor did he let you know what he thought, instead leaning down to kiss you again.

before you could deepen the kiss, he’s already moved down to your neck. you mewled in disappointment, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your hands in his hair. this time, he let you touch him, too absorbed in his mission to paint the skin of your neck in hues of red and purple. noritoshi moved lower when he was finally satisfied with his work of art, you’re a great canvas, he thought to himself. the burning feeling in your chest was flaring up again, you felt uncomfortably hot and the only relief you got was him touching you. he must know, he was doing this on purpose. you were convinced. a surprised gasp left your lips when his tongue swiped across your nipple before wrapping his lips around it. his fingers flicked the other one and- oh god did it feel so electrifying, so delicious, so good. you moaned his name, gently tugging on his hair as he continued his ministrations. “noritoshi,” you whimpered, trying to grind against his thigh. “please- please touch me.” he moved faster than you could react, snapping the waistband of your panties against your skin.

“i am touching you,” noritoshi responded matter-of-factly, cupping your breasts. “is this not enough?” you shook your head, making him chuckle. he took his sweet time, lathering your chest with the utmost attention. at this point you were sure you’d soaked through your panties and onto the sheets and you were desperate. finally, his lips left your nipple, his breath grazing them, making you shiver. he seemed to enjoy it, enjoy the effect he has on you, how you were writhing for him and him only. with swift movements, he removed your panties and your legs were thrown over his shoulders - how are his shoulders so broad - and he pressed kisses to your inner thighs. “look at you,” he cooed, glancing up at you. “you’re so wet for me and i haven’t even touched you here yet. are you craving me?”

“yes,” you mewled truthfully, wiggling your hips slightly. you missed how his face lights up in delight, loving how you’re slowly but surely coming undone for him. he was placing kisses everywhere but where you wanted him, where you needed him. you were at his mercy, he alone decided the pace. the desperate little tugs at his hair left him unbothered, you couldn't even move properly because he was keeping a tight grip on your hips, holding them down onto the mattress. “do you want me?” you nodded quickly. “then beg.”

"i'm not- i'm not gonna fucking b-" you didn't get to finish your sentence as noritoshi gave your inner thigh a bite. 

"language," he hissed in irritation. "we can do this all night, baby. i don't have any qualms about keeping you here, making you squirm until you know not to treat me like that." to emphasize his threat, his hands languidly stroked your inner thighs, inching closer to your heat. goosebumps raised across your skin. noritoshi paid no mind to your laboured breathing or how you stared at him in disbelief. you would not beg him more than this, this stupid asshole, who did he think he is to expect you to do as he says? as if sensing that your attention wasn't on him anymore, one of his hands reached up to pinch your nipple.

you felt his fingers grazing your pussy, flicking over your clit but not quite touching it. yet the pleasure, coupled with the sharp pain of his pinching, was enough to make you delirious. you moaned his name, hips rutting up slightly to meet his hand. noritoshi pulled away abruptly and made you whine in frustration. "noritoshi!" you whimpered again, closing your eyes in embarrassment. "please just- just touch m-" 

you felt another, harder pinch, tingles shooting straight to your core. "look at me," noritoshi growled and you opened your eyes quickly, not wanting to disappoint him again.

"please touch me, please just… i need you, need your lips or fingers," you struggled to find the right words, huffing in frustration at your weak attempt to persuade him. "please make me cum, please. i'll be good for you, i promise, i promise. wanna be good for you." 

a sardonic smile graced noritoshi's lips, your begging music to his ears. he almost wished you could see yourself like this - the yearning evident in your eyes, your glossy eyes. what would you say? how quickly your resolve had crumbled, even though you'd vowed to yourself to keep him at an arm's length away from you. what was more heavenly to his ears are your moans and he intended to draw every last bit out of you tonight.

when his tongue finally made contact with your cunt, a loud moan leaves your lips, you almost sob in relief. your thighs trembled slightly, threatening to close but noritoshi was quick to pry them open and delved deeper into your heat. he alternated between lapping at your folds, then dragging his tongue across your clit before giving it a suck. your hips rocked against his face, meeting his movements as if it was already second nature to them. you thought you were seeing stars when you inched closer to your climax. tugging at his hair you whimpered out his name, letting him know that you're close, so close. that's when he pulled away, smirking at you as your high slowly ebbed away. you made a noise in protest, brows pinching in frustration but noritoshi just cooed at you condescendingly. 

"you seem to forget who's in control here," he tsked at you, dragging his thumb across your clit. your hips jerked. "but, baby, you look so pitiful, i might just feel sorry for you." 

hope sparked in your eyes when he pressed a brief kiss to your lips before slipping his fingers past your folds, his thumb drawing circles on your clit. "ride my fingers," he commanded and you reacted immediately, eagerly rutting against his fingers. you missed the dark glint in his eyes, the look that tells you you were not easily let off the hook whatsoever. pleasure was clouding your judgement, heightening your sensitivity to his touch. a loud moan fell from your lips when noritoshi curled his fingers, hitting a spot that otherwise was difficult for you to reach. your hand came up to cover your mouth, too embarrassed about other guests possibly hearing you.

noritoshi withdrew his fingers, thumb pressing against your clit. you gasped desperately, pawing at his chest to plead him to continue. "i want to hear you. don't you dare hide your moans," he told you, only sliding his fingers back into you when you complied. noritoshi was still kneeling, watching as you moved your hips against his fingers with fascination. while you'd kept a steady rhythm at the beginning, it was getting more and more sporadic. you were close again, noritoshi could tell. and yet it wasn't enough, he had to get you closer to the edge to then break you after.

"o- oh fuck," you cursed, gripping the sheets tightly as noritoshi moved his fingers, repeatedly hitting the spot that made your toes curl. you were to close, you could cum, soon- 

"noritoshi!" a frustrated sob resounded from you as he pulled away, looking down at you with a satisfied smirk. your hands came up to wipe the tears that were welling in your eyes. you bit your bottom lip to keep yourself from crying as you watched him pop his fingers in his mouth, licking your essence from them. the sight alone made you feel hot and bothered. in the dim light of the room, noritoshi looked downright sinful. the way his broad frame was casting a shadow over your form, his glistening eyes, the sheen of sweat on his body and how his hair was hanging in his face.

"please let me cum, please! i- i want you so bad, want you in me… noritoshi, please give me it," you begged quietly, crawling towards him. noritoshi felt his heart soften at your cute face - you were so easy to read, he enjoyed teasing you. small hands reached out for the bulge in his boxers, experimentally pressing and nudging at it. noritoshi hissed uncomfortably; he was painfully hard and ready to cum as well but he couldn't, not yet. wanted to play with you more, mapping out the entirety of your body until he memorized how you reacted to his touch.

swiftly flipping positions, he pulled you on top of him, placing you directly above his crotch. you sank down immediately, sighing shakily as you pressed your cunt against the bulge. the boxers had to come off, they were the last barrier. you had to feel his skin on yours, wanted to be closer. noritoshi's hands shot out to stop you, giving you a warning look. you understood, withdrawing your arms to rest on your sides. pressing his bulge against you, he guided your hips to move against it, folds dragging across the fabric of his boxers. the friction was delicious, especially when he rutted against you, pressing against your clit. it took you a few tries until you figured out a comfortable rhythm, placing your hands against his chest as you moved on your own.

noritoshi kept his eyes on you. brushing your hair out of your face so he could get a better look at you, he then rested them near your thighs. "are you close?" he inquired when your movements became quicker and you nodded in reply, giving him a pleading look. he raised his eyebrows at you, shaking his head ever so slightly. "you don't get to cum without my permission."

he could see the conflict and hesitation, dancing in your eyes, how you were contemplating to go against his commands. noritoshi's heart filled with pride when you slowed down, thighs trembling from the restraint you kept on yourself. "good girl," he rewarded you, leaning up to kiss you. you whimpered against his lips, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him closer. you were a sight to behold, noritoshi mused. slick spread across the fabric of his boxers and your thighs, kiss-bruised lips and the love bites that were blooming across your chest. he was proud to be able to have this effect on you. 

it didn't take long until you were close again, this time begging and pleading him to let you continue. noritoshi supposed he toyed around enough, ready to give you what you were so desperately craving. lifting you up slightly, he pushed his boxers down and reached to the side, fumbling with the drawers of the night table before being able to pull out a condom. you watched in curiosity, as he put it on then lined his member up against your pussy. he dragged the head of his cock against your clit a couple of times, making you jump in surprise before letting you sink down. a long, relieved moan left your lips as you felt him fill you up to the brim. you'd never felt this full and good. jerking your hips against his slightly, your legs trembled as he perfectly hit that spot inside you effortlessly. his name fell from your lips like a mantra, letting everyone know that he was the one pleasuring you. 

noritoshi let you adjust to him before wrapping his arms around you to keep you in place, driving his hips up against yours in an almost punishing tempo. your lips parted in a silent scream, no sounds leaving them other than heavy breaths. "f- fuck, noritoshi! i'm so close, please let me have it, please-" you begged sobbing. you didn't think you could survive another edging, it would utterly crush you. knowing that you were at his mercy, you complied with his orders. never had you felt this much pleasure, with anyone. noritoshi accomplished what others could never - setting your nerves ablaze with a simple touch.

"cum for me." your orgasm washed over you like a tsunami, leaving you writhing in his arms until you rode it out. noritoshi continued to move against you in a languid tempo, lovingly pressing kisses across your face. you slumped against his body exhausted, aftershocks still wracking through your body. he stroke your back gently, giving you a short kiss. "can you take another one?" he asked, making you look at him. though your mind was hazy, you could tell that he was caring, wanting to make you feel as comfortable as possible despite his mean side. you nodded, your words slurred as you told him: "mhmm, still want you, all of you."

noritoshi was laying you on the mattress, freezing mid-way as he hovered above you. could it be? there was no way. he brushed the thought off quickly, leaning down to kiss you. you sloppily returned the kiss, blindly moving your hands around until you found his, intertwining them happily. swiftly, he entered you again - now taking his sweet time. the pace was slow but filled with force, making you see stars. you wrapped your legs around his waist, heels digging into his skin. you blinked in confusion as noritoshi whispered sweet nothings into your ear. tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him - you wanted him, so so much that it hurt you. you imagined you weren't in this situation, that this was simply intimacy between lovers. that you were his and he was yours, with no care in the world.

driving his hips against yours faster now, you could tell that he was close. lifting your hips to meet his movement, you whimpered against his lips. you wanted to pleasure him as much as he did you. the sight of his screwed shut eyes, panting heavily as he came, it nearly knocked the wind out of your lungs. noritoshi buried his face in the crook of your neck, whimpering quietly as he thrusted a few more times before coming to a halt. for a few minutes, you remain in this position, basking in the afterglow. he removes himself from you, telling you to stay put as he left to get some wet towels from the bathroom. as you laid there, your cunt wasn't the only thing that felt empty.

your eyes were glossing over and you were once again reminded of the fact that you couldn't have him. that he’s not your ‘toshi. you sat up slowly, spotting the mirror across the room. you stared at your reflection in your mirror, horrified at all the marks noritoshi had left behind and suddenly it dawned on you that you don’t understand why. you didn't care about each other - why would he mark you like this? your heartbeat sped up at the thought of him possibly, maybe, returning your feelings. that he wasn't just toying with your feelings to get back at you.

noritoshi returned, giving you a small smile as he signaled you to lift your arms a little so he could wipe you down. the gentleness in his actions made you sniffle emotionally; he paid attention to every single detail, making sure not to miss a spot. once done, he placed the towel on the nearby chair then returning to wrap you in the blankets and cradling you against his chest like a baby. the sound of his breath nearly lulled you into sleep. you leaned against his chest, sinking into the blankets. "are you okay? was i too rough?" noritoshi asked after a moment of silence. you didn't reply. why was he acting like this? as if you were a couple, as if he really cared. 

"y/n? you don't have to reply, but at least give me a hand sign, so i know you're okay," he repeated again, looking at you with furrowed eyebrows. you turned your head away from him, trying to hide your tears. it wasn't long before you started crying uncontrollably, hiding your face in your hands. noritoshi started panicking, fussing over you and tried to pry your hands away so you would look at him. repeatedly shaking your head, you pushed him away from you.

"w- why couldn't you always be this gentle to me?" the words finally left your mouth, accusatory. "i- i didn't deserve any of this treatment and i still struggle to understand why it happened. i should hate you, hate you so much and yet i don't? why can't you love me the way i love you?"

speechless, noritoshi pulled away from you, arms sinking to his sides. it made you sob even harder, thinking that he was going to leave you again, like he always did. he never stayed, only came to wreck havoc, leaving you to pick up the pieces. "y/n, i'm sorry, i-" he drew you in, pressing you against his chest. you were confused at your own outbreak of emotions, not sure how to calm down. "i'm not sure what you thought, but i meant it when i told you that i love you, all those years back," noritoshi mumbled, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

you shook your head vehemently. "i don't believe that, not for one second. you've hurt me for so long and suddenly you had a change of heart?"

"i know it's hard to believe, but i promise i'm not lying. i do love you. with all my heart," noritoshi lifted your chin slightly, wiping the tears from your eyes. gently, he kissed you. "back then, i wasn't able to tell you but… things have changed now and i'll tell you, okay? but not now, tomorrow-"

"no! you'll just leave again and act like nothing happened and i-" you panicked, clinging onto him as dread washed over you again. he was going to leave again, the mission was over after all and you'd go separate ways again.

"i'm staying." noritoshi said firmly, holding your hands so you couldn't flail around anymore. "i'm not leaving you, okay? go to sleep, i know you're exhausted… when you wake up, i'll be there. we'll discuss things in the morning."

"promise?" 

"i promise."

you didn't know why but this time, you trusted him. at least a little bit more than before. nodding slightly, you pressed your small frame against his. noritoshi's calming scent wrapped around you, lulling you into sleep. he watched as you fell asleep in his arms, pressing a kiss to your forehead before he settled as well, closing his eyes.

"i love you, y/n."

p.s.: i hurt myself writing this too haha but i swear this was it with the angst

[wrenhyperfixates]

The Raven Haired Rebel

Chapter 1

Pairing: Loki x reader Series Summary: After invading New York, it was decided that, as a punishment, Loki would work for SHIELD. Yeah, right. After escaping from their custody and stranded on Midgard, the God of Mischief decides to prove he’s the one thing no one ever thought he was: the good guy. Now a vigilante, Loki attempts to make amends for his past wrongdoings while also evading the Avengers, including their newest member. You. Brought in specially for the case, you notice more and more details about the prince’s story don’t add up. When you get the chance to turn him in, will you listen to your employers or your heart that believes Loki’s done nothing wrong? Chapter Summary: In which you plead Loki’s case. Chapter Warnings: none A/N: Besides this being a miniseries, all the chapters are pretty short too! Hope you enjoy all the same :)

Permanent Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiant @lunarmoon8 @twhiddlestonsstuff @lokistan @lowkeyorlokificrecs @gaitwae @whatafuckingdumbass @castiels-majestic-wings @kozkaboi @cozy-the-overlord @birdgirl90 @myraiswack @mythicalgarlicknot @what-a-flammable-heart @marvelouslovely @laurenandloki @fallinallinmendes @sophlubbwriting @mooncat163

RHR Tag List: @happygalaxymilkshake @electroma89 @stardust-walker @i-would-kneel-for-loki​

Masterlist

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

Swiping into Avengers Tower made you feel important, more so than swiping into a SHIELD base. You weren’t exactly sure why, though. Perhaps it was because SHIELD was a secret, and no one knew. Here, the passerby on the street looked on in awe. Or maybe it was because the Tower was so elite. Because so select few got to enter. But really, it probably wasn’t that you got to enter so much as why you got to enter.

True, since your first day on the job, word got around that you were the best in your field. Fast as lightning, you’d risen through the ranks to be Fury’s top tracker, a position all but secured when he brought you on for this case. A case, you knew, that intrigued you far more than it should have.

Just like everyone else had on that day a little over three months ago, you watched the TV with rapt attention as gods and superheroes made themselves known to the world. And, you supposed, supervillains too. Not that you’d told anyone, but something didn’t quite sit right with you in the weeks after when news anchors and colleagues alike were referring to the raven haired god as such.

For the next three days, you’d pored over books of Norse Mythology and a number of studies. Most of the latter coming from one Dr. Jane Foster, who you soon came to link with Thor. But even there you found a disconnect between the god of legends and the bloodied man on your screen. He never really did have malicious intent before. He was a trickster, yes, but he’d not even come close to doing something this drastic before! Ok, yes, there was his involvement in Ragnarök in the myths, but even for that you’d found multiple sources that could debunk it. Besides, it certainly didn’t seem like Asgard had even faced the end times yet.

Alas, you figured Thor knew his brother, and you had your own case to work on, so you let be the mystery that was Loki.

And then you were called into Fury’s office a week ago and asked to begin tracking the god. A bit too eagerly, you’d agreed to take the case. You’d dealt with villains before, truly evil people, and your search only further proved what deep down you already knew; Loki was not one. Everywhere you followed his trail, a mysterious savior was stopping bank robberies and saving people from burning buildings and runaway trains. Not to mention there were multiple descriptions of said savior using green magic. It seemed a wonder that the tracker in the case before you hadn’t noticed. Then again, people tend to only see what they want to.

Regardless, you made your way to the elevators, heading toward the conference room on one of the upper floors. You tapped your foot as it ascended, impatient to share your findings. As the lift stopped and you got out, you tugged on your leather jacket. It was ever so slightly too big, but it was on sale. Plus, you felt like it looked pretty cool, considering your job and all. Subconsciously, you puffed up your chest a bit too. Regardless of actual size, you felt like a petite little thing, stepping into a room of now renowned heroes. Strange, you thought, how so much could change in just three months.

“You know, I got to get me one of those,” said the man suddenly keeping pace next to you. You quickly identified him as Tony Stark.

“I... Pardon?” you replied, slightly startled.

“Your jacket,” he said, pointing at it. “I feel like the leather will match the whole rugged good-guy, vibe. Besides, I think Capsicle’s got one.”

You chuckled at that. “Maybe we should just make it the team uniform then.”

“Team, huh? So you must be that new tracker kid we’re working with.”

“I’d hardly call myself a kid,” you scoffed.

“When you get to be as rich as I am, you get to call everyone a kid,” Tony shrugged.

“I’m not exactly sure that’s how it works, but whatever you say, I guess,” you chuckled again.

“See, now if everyone would just adopt that mindset, we’d get stuff done a lot faster around here.” He quickly signed something that was brought up to him on a clipboard, never stopping. You wondered how long he could keep up like this before collapsing. “Besides, take it as a compliment. That last tracker was some fuddy-duddy old guy.”

“Fuddy-duddy?” you guffawed. “Maybe you’re the old one, after all.”

Tony feigned like he’d been struck in the heart. But before you could keep up the banter, you reached the conference room, and Steve was waving you inside.

“Stark,” he said with a nod. “Are you ready to begin or are you going to keep distracting our new teammate?”

“Aye aye, Captain,” he said with a little salute. “Reporting for duty.”

You mouthed a sorry as you followed Stark into the room. Even if the rest of them turned out to be hard-asses, at least Tony was fun. And having one ally was better than none, you figured. As you took your seat across from your new friend, you flipped through the file that had been left for you. It wasn’t really anything new, so you glanced at your teammates again. Nat and Clint both nodded at you, recognizing you from a couple other missions you’d interacted during. There wasn’t really any time to talk, however, before Captain Rogers was walking to the head of the long table.

“Alright, team. Before we get started, I think it’s worth mentioning we have a new member on the team,” Steve said, before welcoming you by name. “I think we’re all caught up on the situation here, so let’s dive right in. A new trend has shown up in the Tower’s data mining.”

“Data analysis,” Tony butt in. “It sounds more ethical that way.”

“Whatever you want to call it, the program showed that wherever Loki goes, there’s a spike in activity of an organization calling themselves AIM. At first glance they seem innocent, but after some digging, we’ve found they’re anything but. We’ve determined Loki is working with them, perhaps even masterminding some of their more underground projects. Agent? Can we assume you found the same things?”

“Uh, yeah, no. Actually, my data shows the opposite,” you cleared your throat. Standing, you slid the information from your tablet onto the room’s TV screen. “See, it seems that he’s actually doing good deeds. There are multiple accounts of a man fitting Loki’s description performing heroic works.”

“Ok, I’ll bite,” Tony said, leaning forward. “What about AIM then? You think it’s a coincidence.”

You bit your lip. “I’ll admit, I haven’t found anything about them yet. But... maybe, just maybe, Loki’s showing up where they are because he’s trying to stop them.”

“I am so sorry to interrupt, but that does not sound like the Loki I know at all,” Thor laughed. “A wonderful joke, though.”

Now you were getting mad. You shouldn’t be, but you saw something worth defending in Loki. A lot, actually. There was something about that look in his eye that you couldn’t quite read, but it was telling you something was wrong all the same.

“That’s not fair! Maybe you don’t know him as well as you thought. Look at this,” you said, swiping to show a side by side of Loki during and after the fight. “You can see it by the look on his face; something was seriously wrong during the battle. Plus, I’ve seen videos of him when he first came; he was not alright. Afflicted with severe anxiety and what looks like burn marks, I’d say. He needed help.”

“With all due respect,” Clint chimed in, “aren’t your a tracker, not a psychologist?”

“Yes, but as such I’ve been trained to look at all the details. Not just what’s convenient.”

“Listen,” Steve sighed before things got any more heated. “It’s a great theory and all, but you read Thor’s account of everything that happened before this. So, until we get some solid evidence proving otherwise, we’re going to have to stick with what we already know. We’ll put a pin in the AIM thing until you can take a look, though. Ok?”

“Ok,” you agreed, defeatedly taking your seat again.

You looked around the table. Natasha and Bruce, the only two who hadn’t said anything, both looked kind of pensive. Alright, maybe bewildered was the better word for Bruce. He was smart, no doubt about it, but you got the impression he wasn’t very good in social settings. Then there was Clint and Thor, both who seemed a little skeptical of you. At least Thor seemed to be considering his brother’s innocence at least a little. Steve was a bit more unreadable as he continued to prattle on about what you already “knew” for the case. And then there was Tony, who seemed more impressed than anything else. He, at least, had seemed to genuinely consider what you said. Perhaps he still was.

“The best way to solve this,” Steve closed his spiel, “is to bring him in. Agent, have you located him yet?”

You sighed. Deeply. It shouldn’t be this much of a struggle to present your findings. You’d had no trouble speaking on his behalf. Yet a part of you—an alarmingly large part, you realized—didn’t want to turn him in. But who were you to ignore direct orders?

“Yup,” you conceded, pulling up a map with a blinking red dot, marking Loki’s location.

“Well then, team,” Steve said to the group. “Let’s roll out.”

[buryyourfavouritestrope]

Until it becomes a Memory - Daisuke Kambe

Author Note: This is a pile of Word Vomit, I watched Balance Unlimited and man I adored it. Especially this Salty Winter Adult. None of the below makes coherent sense but hey, life's too short to leave things unread by others.

Everyone who had ever visited the Kambe residence to speak to the heir knew about the painting. Often enough they found themselves stood beside the young man whose eyes focused only on the putrid baby blues that encircles a deep red misshapen figure. Many, in hushed whispers, had commented on how out of place the canvas seemed amongst the elegant wooden décor of the home.

It hung just outside his bedroom in a hallway trodden by very few. He, himself, had placed a chair opposite it for when he found himself unable to sleep. He’d sit there staring at the figure until he succumbed to sleep. Suzue would find him the next morning, curled against the chair, his head leaning on the crook of his arm. She’d suggested once that he move the canvas to his bedroom, only to be thrown a grim look and a sarcastic comment. It kept the nightmares at bay.

Kambe couldn’t blame her; it’s what any normal person would do. He couldn’t. He despised the painting. Everyone did, including his grandmother. The woman refused to enter the hallway, not until the painting disappeared. She’d even so much as asked their faithful servant to dispose of it whilst Kambe was busy – his attempt had failed thanks to Suzue. Perhaps one of the only people within Daisuke’s household that understood the importance hidden within the canvas.

His grandmother held no harmful intent; she just wanted to purge that period from Daisuke’s life. The man had suffered so much at a young age. There had been times where she would plead at the dinner table with the young detective. Her words reaching deaf ears as he chewed on his noodles. When her words hit too close to home, he quips a witty retort paired with a sarcastic growl. In those moments she could see his mother.

The painting held no real value. It was common knowledge. Suzue and his grandmother would have said something about it had it not been for the glint in Kambe’s usually dull eyes. A spark of fight and something none of them have ever seen before as he runs his gaze over every streak of paint. That very spark prevents them to speaking and instead they leave the man be.

A sigh relieves itself from Daisuke as he stands from his seat; he took a few strides forward his eyes never once leaving the soft brush strokes that had dried against the material. Kambe rubbed the sleep from his vision as he reminisced. He could still feel the fingers that wrapped around his upper arm and pulled him through the corridors of his home. The sound of overexcited laughter echoed in the aged wood wrapped around his heart squeezing at vary degrees of strength.

‘These cases just get more complicated, I thought it would be easier than this but every time I think I’m making progress something stops me’ Daisuke’s voice contrasted with the oozing silence surrounding him. ‘You’d know exactly what to do if you were here. I can picture it now-‘

‘Kambe’ Haru barked; the sudden appearance of his partner startled Daisuke. This had been expected, at some point Haru would turn up back here. An unjust anger in tow as he marched down the corridor. The embassy case had been closed, but Haru had come under fire for the death of a suspect, Daisuke had done nothing to help the older man. It hadn’t just been due to the fact he was off duty; he’d chosen to remain quiet.

Kambe’s eye twitched, his focus returning to the painting. If he remained quiet, let Haru vent, perhaps the detective inspector would leave. He’d be able to return to the serenity that had been his thoughts. If his friend had been here, they’d have persuaded Haru to calm down, they’d have laughed and shared some food at the expense of Kambe. They always handled people better than he did.

‘Hey, are you listening?’ Haru practically screamed as he stepped closer to Kambe; Daisuke remained firm. There was nothing he needed to speak to Kato about. He was handling this – whatever the bigger picture is. He’d handle it alone; it was safer that way. The fewer people around, the easier it would be. ‘Damn Rich kid, pay attention to people when they speak to you’

He didn’t need to see what was happening, he felt it. Haru’s balling around the material of his shirt in an aggressive attempt to grab Daisuke’s attention. Briefly – very briefly – Daisuke’s eyes flicked to look at Haru. In that second the world froze, Daisuke’s emotionless eyes, often filled with amusement, turned to Haru. As if Haru’s arms moved on their own he dropped Daisuke, his hands falling at his side.

‘I have nothing I wish to discuss, you should leave’ Daisuke commanded. The very sound of his voice knocked the older man from his shock, a guttural growl resonating in the air as he flung his arm back.

Everything slowed in that minute; Kato’s limbs swam leisurely through the air as Daisuke’s gaze flicked back to his partner. It hadn’t fully registered in Kambe’s mind as he watched helplessly. They both knew it hadn’t been Kato’s intention; he hadn’t registered how close he was to the wall.

It was an accident. It was an accident. A voice in Daisuke’s subconscious spoke the same four words like a mantra as he seethed. In an apoplectic haze he grabbed his senior. Kato’s body unbalanced fell against the air, unable to steady himself to fight back he let himself be thrown into the opposite wall. His head colliding with the wooden windowsill.

‘You weren’t invited here Detective Inspector Kato. You’re trespassing, I suggest you leave’ Daisuke growled; both heard the sharp inhale of Suzue as she rushed through the door at the end of the corridor. Her gaze observing the two men, her family who stood towering over Haru with fists balled at his side – his attention solely on the man and Haru who lifted himself against the wall, it was clear as he staggered slightly that the impact had made him dizzy.

‘Daisuke’ She uttered, Kambe clenched his jaw inhaling deeply as he turned around. The canvas hung at an angle; the material had been punctured. For the smallest second, he chastised his friend’s choice in canvas material.

‘It’s just a painting. Buy a new one. A rich kid like you always flaunting your wealth. Surely you can buy another one.’ Haru whistled. Kambe didn’t need to look to picture the Suzue’s reaction. A pleading expression plastered across her face as she moved closer to help Haru.

A rich kid like you. Daisuke finds himself repeating the short phrase. It had been said to Kambe before – plenty of times before and yet this time it struck him worse. For once he couldn’t throw money at the canvas. The damage had been done; money couldn’t solve his problem the way it could on a case. A soft chuckle rang through the air. Daisuke placed his head in his hands as he fell to his knees.

‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand,’ He admits, ‘I didn’t buy that canvas, it was a gift. One given to me by someone very dear to me. I guess you say it had no monetary value. It held some precious memories’ He continued.

‘You asked me how much I care about you, well…tah dah’ her voice bounced off the walls and rang through his ears. He relished in the happy tones as she released his arm. A quizzical look filled the man’s expression as he took in her appearance. Paint plastered across her skin, hair dishevelled and caked in the same colours that covered most of her clothing.

Once he’d had his fill, he followed her gaze, eyes widening as he took in the newest decoration. In place of his landscape portrait hung a horrendous mixture of colours and in the centre stood a deep burgundy figure and for a second, he hoped she hadn’t drawn a reflection of himself

‘Well?’ She questioned.

‘It’s awful, breathtakingly awful. I’d go as far as to say gut-wrenching,’ Daisuke commented. He listened to her as she roared with laughter, her hands holding her sides as she doubled over.

‘That’s exactly it. I care about you so much that its gut wrenching. Every moment I spend with you takes my breathe away in the most horrendously beautiful way.’ She announced, as she calmed her laughter she reached for his arm, her head falling against his shoulder as they both observed the horrendous decoration. ‘Plus, every home needs at least one ugly piece of furniture, something that just absorbs the good memories and no matter how long you look at it, no matter how much you hate it, it’ll remind you of the good things, it’ll remind you how much I love you, Daisuke Kambe’

Daisuke’s fingers wrapped around hers as he remained silent. Just the two of them watching the painting as though it were some priceless portraits in a museum.

‘You never know how important something is until it becomes a memory’ Kambe uttered.

‘Kambe,’ Haru’s voice shook Daisuke from his memories. His hands falling to his lap as he listened.

[sablegear0]

Modern Fantasy stuff you can feel free to steal from me

Had a cool dream last night so it’s time to blog about it!

Since nobody owns fantasy, and perhaps you are liable to stumble upon these concepts on your own, feel free to steal these or riff on them for your own writing/settings/etc. They’re fresh from my subconscious so arguably I didn’t even come up with them.

Bulk of the blog is under the cut! Includes: Elevators, universities, and pool cues...?

So there was a FATE(?)/Unknown Armies-esque setup to my modern-fantasy dream, the details of which are lost. But I will run down the more setting-specific quirks I felt were interesting things to re-use in roughly the order they occurred.

Elevators make good dimensional conduits! Elevators are absolutely liminal spaces; weird, self-contained, in-transit spaces you can only exit when you have reached a destination, and stereotypically can get stuck in the in-between rather easily. People are used to standing around on long elevator rides, unable to see where they came from or where they are going, lost to time and space until they arrive. As such, they are the perfect cover for teleportation/dimensional travel.

You can’t see out of them, nor into them (usually), so you don’t have to witness the whirling distortion of the cosmos as you pass by. They’re sturdy and secure. And if you are a repair-savvy modern mage, or are on good terms with the maintenance crew of your building, they can be slapped with runes or circles on the outside easily enough, where nobody else will see the markings!

(In my dream we took a very long elevator ride down from the basement level of a building and exited on the upper gallery of an airy university atrium. Very surreal...)

(Architectural) Thaumaturgic Reinforcement, part simplified Sacred Geometry, part basic architectural engineering. Simply put, this appeared to be the principle that magic circles/geometry drawn with the correct orientation and intent can form short-term utility spells, especially when aligned with particular architectural features. In this case, a simple circle and two tangents were used to reinforce the structure of a room prior to a battle to ensure we didn’t collapse the place or blow out the windows.

This one is a little vague/intuitive, so I’ll throw in a quick diagram to explain it. Basically, in my dream, the room and the Reinforcement etching looked like this:

The circle was meant to contain the bulk of the action (the incoming fight), while the tangents directed energy between the columns and the door (columns for strength, the door to control the flow of energy), and away from the windows (to prevent damage). It was drawn hastily in chalk on the floor before the fight.

This one is a bit weird but consider the broader applications. What do (or can) parts of buildings represent? An etching centered on a window could be used for divination or communication, etching focusing on doors could be used to invite or ward against certain people/energies, an etching tying a bunch of beams or columns together could make a space nigh-indestructible, etc. Like most Chaos Magic, this one is about the intent invested in the action.

Universities will always be weird! While this one seems like a no-brainer, I just want to reiterate that any post-secondary institution will have a large proportion of passionate and deeply weird individuals. In addition to the high concentration of esoteric knowledge available in people and texts, any legit magic going on is likely to be overlooked as run-of-the-mill weirdness because a campus will always have people that are just Like That. 

Couple that with the likelihood of historical buildings on campus, which we all now have a kind of magic about them. You may even end up at one of the universities where the professors are hoarding all the good chalk (seriously, read that article and tell me that isn’t exactly what a wizard would do). 

==

Afterthoughts - So that’s it for the relevant parts I remember from my dream. However, I have a few more thoughts on modern magic and things modern mages can do to disguise or facilitate their magic.

A Pool Hall has a lot of potential! Pool/Billiards cues could make excellent casting catalysts. All the heft of a staff (back end), with all the accuracy of a wand (tapered end)! Can be made-to-order from specified woods, can be elaborately inlaid or decorated, and can even be made to unscrew for easy transport! 

Pool can also be used as a method of divination! The “break” (the first shot of a game that scatters the balls out of formation) is semi-random, and like any semi-to-random action, the resulting scatter can be used as a divining tool. Tell me you’re not intrigued by the idea of a pool hall gutter-mage.

Stickers are stylish and practical! Everybody loves cool stickers and pins. But, have you considered the ease of casting spells when you can print out your magic circles and adhere them to things? I bet you hadn’t! Unless you’ve watched Fullmetal Alchemist, that is, or maybe any anime where ofuda are commonly used. If we’re going by FMA rules, you just need a circle on your person or vaguely near the material you’re working on for a spell to function. 

Consider a modern mage sticker-graffiti-ing their neighbourhood for a security/scrying system, or tagging their belongings with simple yet stylish tracking spells. Slapping a rival’s car with a sticker-borne curse, or even printing a sheet of delayed-blast fireballs to sow some chaos on the go.

==

Anyway, that’s all for today. Like I said, feel free to steal, iterate on, etc these ideas. Someone would have hit on them eventually I’m sure, and I’m always happy to spread some inspiration around.

Until next time!

[fluffnstuffq]

We all know that the “kin for fun” trend is bad. 

Recently, however, the question of “why is it bad?” has risen in prominence, and thus I’d like to give my two cents on the matter. I initially wanted to give a rehash of the whole “this is a community which has been around for decades, please don’t appropriate its terms because you don’t know what you’re talking about” spiel.. though I know that’s been repeated endlessly to no avail. 

Dozens of times I’ve tried to explain that, though I’ve often been faced with the “words change” or “it’s just a game, it harms no one” argument.

So I’m taking a more personal approach.

I don’t know if my anecdotes will change anyone’s mind, but if anyone in the “kin for fun” community sees this and actually reads through it, I implore you to try to listen to genuine otherkin, do some research, and find other terms that better suit you.

Beware, long rambling anecdote under the cut.

It is hard to believe that, a mere 8 months ago, I was new to the otherkin community. 

I’d been reading about and researching otherkinity in depth for as long as a year prior, though it was as recently as May 2020 upon which I took my own first step into evaluating my own experiences, creating an otherkin oriented side blog, and formally taking the plunge into what I’d initially assumed, from fun “kin assign ask games” or “no doubles drama”, to be a trend.

While I quickly versed myself in the original, serious and introspective parts of the community, I had my fair share of run-ins with those of the “kinnie/kin for fun crowd”. One such experience, over the course of about two-three months, forever left an impression on the way I view the community (and the problems within it) as a whole.

Without naming names, some of the individuals we encountered turned out to be... the practical embodiment of some of the worst facets of this community.

They were the prime example of the misguided “kinnie” mindset. Dead-set on fitting under the ‘kin label, though unwilling to do any research on their own. Faking out of control, dramatic shifts to seem more “valid” to genuine otherkin (more on that later). Willing to go as far as picking traits from other people’s original characters to “customize” their “kinsonas” perfectly. 

However, aside from their merely misguided attempts to fit in (which could’ve been easily fixed if not for the stubborn kinnie mindset), the most scathing of their actions highlighted some major issues of the “kin for fun” side.

In just a few months, we had our identities stomped on and treated like nothing more than a game. 

You see, the “kinnie” mindset is not self contained. It is almost impossible to maintain this mindset and respect the involuntary, deeply personal nature of otherkin history, due both to widespread misinformation/trends, as well as the common plague of stubborn ignorance of definitions.

In most cases we’ve seen, once one steps fully into the mindset that their own kintypes are nothing more than a game or an act, they begin to at the very least subconsciously view others’ experiences the same way. 

This is obviously not the case for all those who take on alterhuman identities by choice (ex: copinglinking). However, in taking on the “kin for fun” label, one immediately disrespects the identities of others by appropriating and bending terms with a history to fit themself. 

And once one establishes that they lack care or concern for the already, dare I say, endangered terms once meant to foster a sense of community and understanding, of shared experiences... that person already predisposes themself to spiraling into greater disrespect and ignorance of the identities of others.

The individuals that we encountered, like many others of this mindset, used their so-called “kins” for the sole purpose of feeling validated, for looking “cool” and as leverage to get their way. Because it was nothing more than roleplay and a brief interest to them, they often treated others’ kintypes as something that could be similarly discarded/”turned off” or reset. As if others’ kintypes were nothing more than characters which didn’t deserve respect.

Exotrauma and otherwise painful memories, while stressful and sometimes nightmare inducing for us, were nothing more than fodder for outlandish “story ideas” and “angst” for them. 

In the cases of these individuals faking shifts, they often acted in ways threatening and even triggering to those around them; though because it was just a show for them, they failed time and time again to recognize the negative impact their violent “shifts” had on others. 

They had no restraint, for both their own actions and the fearful/concerned reactions of others were just harmless roleplay in their eyes. (I do feel like..  even roleplay should have boundaries if the events of a story upset the people participating, and the notion that anything goes, even at the expense of someone else’s comfort.. it just gives very uncomfortable “fiction does not affect reality” vibes. Though, that’s a story for another time).

As our experiences weren’t real to them and never had been, they often conflated us with the “canon characters”, like we and many others they interacted with were nothing more than toys to fixate on, change and push “headcanons” onto, and test the limits of.

And because they didn’t care to learn, because individuals such as these continued to remorselessly fall deeper into the rabbit hole of “I do whatever I want/I don’t care to learn otherwise”, the lack of consideration grew more severe.

Those who “kin for fun” may certainly be experiencing.. something, I will not discount that assertion. Whether copinglinking, a hearttype, or merely a fictionflicker/cameo shift. However, it’d be disingenuous to say that it is harmless for them to continue to warp and pick at terms that do not and will never fit them. For every joke, every dozens-long “coping-kinlist”, every admittance of “haha I was never a serious kin”, they all do the same in spreading misinformation. 

As I see more and more people self-identifying as “copinglink, but using the kin title because it sounds better”, even if calling oneself “a non-serious kinnie”, one wonders... why use those terms if you know they do not fit? Why encroach upon communities of bittersweet memories, of aching homesickness, of involuntary nonhumanity, only with the intention of putting on an act?

Why fight so hard, when directly told and shown how “kin for fun” actively tears apart the already dwindling otherkin community on this platform? Why cling so hard to words that are not yours, why force change upon the definitions of words meant to be a safe haven for those searching for understanding? Why paint “serious otherkin” as dangerous gatekeepers, sufferers of clinical lycanthropy, or those merely suffering from delusions/hallucinations?

Because of those who “kin for fun”, I was initially steered away from investigating my own identity; I’d only seen the jokes, the toxic “kin drama”, the cringe blogs and factkin and “kinning”. Because of “kin for fun”, it took me over a year to come to terms with my own alterhumanity, in all of its facets.

Because of “kinnies”, my fears are proven time and time again that I will come across someone who views my identity as roleplay at best and “childish, a phase, character theft” at worse. Because of “kinnies” and the mindset they’ve fostered, time and time again someone steals my memories, my experiences, my identity, justifying it as creating their own version, like an AU of an AU.

Because of “kinnies”, time and time again I’ve been told to “stop taking things so seriously, it’s just for fun” when complaining about my identity being minimized. I’ve been told that “kinnies”, despite appropriating an already existing community, are the “normal ones”, the “sane ones”, the “good ones” who don’t really believe in all that they boast. 

Some have even told me that it doesn’t matter at all, for all they can see is a trend with no real hold over their identity in the longrun. “It won’t matter in ten years”, they say. 

Perhaps not for them, long after their interest in the “trend” has faded. But for me and countless other genuine otherkin? In ten years I will still be Blixer from Just Shapes and Beats, I will still be an unnamed creature of woods and starlight and faded memories of golden lanterns, I will still be otherkin, and I will still carry the scars of my identity being torn to shreds and thrown into my face like dirt.

I cannot run from my kintypes and never could, even when I was afraid of them. “Kinnies”, in most cases, hardly believe my identity really exists.

What do they believe, then? What are they trying to achieve, scrubbing away the less “aesthetically pleasing”, fluffy bits of this community? What good does it do them to take meaningful, personal words to describe an identity that they can shed at the drop of a hat if it is “problematic” or boring at the end of the day?

One can smile and nod and say that, despite “kinning for fun”, they still respect otherkinity as a whole. And I say, in most cases, that reassurance is hollow. You have already stolen our words, you have already spread misinformation.

This has stumbled into rambling territory, so I leave a few questions, honest, genuine questions.

I ask those who “kin for fun”, what is the allure of words that you have stolen? What is the allure of having the blood of a shattered community on your hands?

As many others have said before, you may find a place in the greater alterhuman community. We have terms for you, as well as many other specific experiences.

Why fight so hard to steal our haven, to push us out of our own spaces, when your own words are waiting for you with open arms?

Words change, yes, but why fight so hard to change them at the expense of others?

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary (bird model) + slightly burnt lion secondary

Hi there! I’m a fan of your sorting posts, and of your kind and insightful way of supporting people in finding out more about themselves. So naturally I’d be very interested in your take about my own sorting, if you’re game! :)

I won’t talk much about my Secondary, because now that I’m starting to unburn my Lion seems very clear to me, even when my explosion-prone Badger model still tries to get in the way of that clarity sometimes. The more interesting riddle is my Primary. So far I’m operating under the working theory that I am a Lion with a very strong Bird model - or is it the other way ‘round?

The supposed dichotomy between “thinking” and “feeling” in many of the more binary personality models has always bugged me, so it’s no wonder this is the area where whenever I feel like I’ve decided on who I am (for now) a new question mark pops up (so much fun!).

If ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ doesn’t work for you as terminology, it might help to think of Lion as leading with subconscious reasoning, and Bird as leading with conscious reasoning.

Instead of trying to formulate a cohesive text, which would have gotten even longer, I’m putting together an associative list of thoughts and stories that kept turning up while I was trying to figure out my Primary.

A very Lion primary way to solve a problem, not gonna lie ;)

- I think I got my Bird model from my father, who made quite an effort to teach me to look at things from all angles. As a child, whenever I got in a fight with this friend I had, he would sit me down and ask me to put myself in my friend’s shoes. It was hard, because a lot of the time my friend was being unfair to me and I actually could have used some support, someone to tell me that it was not okay to treat me this way. But I’m still immeasurably grateful for my father’s lessons, through which I’ve learned to understand peoples’ motivations and gained an understanding for the complexities of every conflict. He also taught me to doubt, to look closer, to not just believe the first thing I see, or want to see. To this day I still consider my ability to pin down the relevant factors of a situation before I make judgments one of my strengths.

That definitely sounds like a very strong, beloved Bird model.

- Whenever I had to write an essay at school or uni, I first had to come up with some aspect about the subject that I really cared about, even could be passionate about. (I am passionate about many things, so it was usually possible to find some connection to that.) Then I would use the essay to discuss this aspect in great detail, ending with a polemic flourish. I had the time of my life doing that; meanwhile the text would structure itself magically in relation to the issue I had chosen to focus on. Whenever I tried to write without such a focus, I’d get bored, stressed and the text would be of a much lower quality.

- Something similar happened in oral exams at uni: Only when I got the opportunity to bring a discussion paper (a few pointed statements regarding the exam topic) which I could then debate, I was able to recollect all the important details I needed for that. If I just had to report on the topic or answer questions, I often got confused, to the point of drawing a complete blank.

Linking things to emotion and passion - thinking with emotion and passion, basically - is a Lion primary thing. Especially if doing that makes you feel safe & comfortable & effective & happy.

- Even as a teenager I was very interested in philosophy, ethics and moral decision making.

I love teaching philosophy to teenagers. It’s the perfect time for it, they are so into it, and if it were up to me I would absolutely make it a required class.

I picked up certain philosophical ideas and concepts that I liked and integrated them in my belief system (yes, I know how very Bird that sounds).

I had my mind blown by Genealogy of Morals in high school, and I still won’t shut about Eichmann in Jerusalem. But what was so staggering to me in high school was… here are these ways of thinking that are possible and allowed. The fact that here they are in words in front of me made me a great deal more expansive.

Now that I think about it — I don’t remember adjusting my beliefs as in any way traumatic back then. The shift from a belief in the Christian God to Mother Goddess to my very own brand of agnostic paganism was smooth, natural.

Now that I think about it… I would describe myself as a mythic relativist (which is a term I just made up.) Systems of belief are metaphors, and they’re metaphors trying to describe and say something large and beautiful about what it means to be human, and what it means to live a good life. And since we are all human, they are all attempting to describe the same central, indescribable thing in different ways.

I feel this very deeply, but it took me a long while to be able to articulate it.

I constantly reevaluate, and I adapt.

You stop reevaluating and adapting, might as well be dead.

Still, there are some basics I’ve kept with me that just make too much sense to me to give up, and some that perhaps I keep because I just really like them and I’m kind of attached to them.

… somebody’s thinking with Pathos :)

- I’m a constructivist at heart, so that makes it much easier to tweak the content of my beliefs while staying true to the principle that we (socially) construct our reality, and (my take on this): that I choose what kind of world I want to live in, and according to that I make choices which are the most likely to create that world.

- At uni I attended a seminar about the development of moral judgment and action. What I remember most clearly about it is how much it bugged me that the other students didn’t seem to understand that morality always depends on the perspective. Even though I had definite moral convictions that I was ready to fight for, at the same time it seemed obvious to me that theoretically there could be a justification for every kind of moral guideline; it depended on your principles and the world you wanted to live in.

A human after my own heart.

I wanted to understand these different perspectives, not talk about empty categories like “right and wrong” or “good and evil” that meant nothing to me. I still feel that way.

Absolutely. I don’t use alignments when I DM Dungeons & Dragons. I mean, I can list evil *things* but that’s not the same thing as defining *being evil.* I want to know WHY these people did these evil things.

It just seems so impractical and complicated to base a conversation on those broad categories that don’t have any definition people can agree on instead of referring either to defined principles (in order to explain what good/ bad is *for you*) or consequences of certain actions, and whether you want them/ accept them/ don’t want them.

Oh that’s a fun discussion. Asking a highschooler to define “evil.”

(and then they have to figure out what moral systems Jigsaw, Pinhead, the Joker, and Bane all subscribe to.)

- Between “the Revolutionary” and “the Grail Knight”, I would love to be the former, but I’m clearly the latter. I’m someone who questions, not someone who knows.

Take my archetypes with a grain of salt, they are supposed to describe characters. (Who are different from people - but still useful, because they are attempts to describe us.) I actually want to write more about the differences I see between the way fictional secondaries are written and the way real-life secondaries work.

And just “knowing”... is dangerous. That’s how Exploded Lions happen. 

There are a lot of causes I find worthy to fight for, but I haven’t committed to any one, which so far I’ve attributed to my Burned Secondary (How do I do things?).

Sounds about right.

If I’m honest, though, it feels a bit strange to really, really fight for anything. I’d rather contribute to the cause by keeping an eye on whether we stay aligned to our values on every level of the fight, not by storming sightlessly in front of some army. (I got polemic again, didn’t I? ;))

So after all this Bird talk, why do I think that I’m a Lion?

… that was the Bird segment?

- I trust my intuition. It has never steered me wrong, with one exception: My Primary burned for a time when I first understood the concept of privilege and internalized bias, which was coincidentally at a time when I also went through a lot of changes in my personal life. Like many people unaware of their own privilege, I had thought of myself as “one of the good ones”. I learned that even with the best intentions I could cause great harm without even noticing it. This then also happened to me in a relationship, when I was already confused, hurt and more than a bit burned. It seemed like I couldn’t trust my intuition anymore, but I also couldn’t figure out intellectually what to believe, because I felt mentally overwhelmed by all those new concepts, all of which put my previous convictions into question. Which Primary burned then?

Been there, done that, it’s brutal. It sounds to me like a Lion dramatically changing direction - that’s what I mean when I say that it *hurts* when a Lion changes their mind. Birds see their past selves that thought wrong as almost different people. “I wasn’t aware of my privilege then, now I am, and can take steps doing forward.” But if you’re a lion it’s like… I *should* have been aware, and the fact that I wasn’t says something terrible about my moral/emotional calibration, and THAT has to be put right.

- I felt like everything I had learned about the world and myself didn’t count anymore. My concepts and my strategies didn’t serve me anymore. So I started to rebuild everything from scratch, this time with less pride and more practicality.

Yeah. That’s some Lion recalibration. With a Bird Model, to help.

- Anyway, I trust my intuition. It contains my experiences, instinct and all my accumulated unconscious observations of the situation, and it’s very reliable. Usually I use it as an important source of information which I try to back up with data/ understanding, but when push came to shove and the apparent facts would contradict what my intuition told me, I would be unable to set my gut feeling aside. I wouldn’t follow it blindly, of course. But I would never just go against it either. If the voices of my unconscious and conscious mind don’t align, I keep poking at the issue until they do. If I absolutely cannot come to a satisfying conclusion, I go with my gut. Since I know it usually knows what it’s doing, I’ll find out the reasons for my feelings later. (Weird, says my inner bird who is busy compiling these examples.)

I’LL FIND THE REASON FOR MY FEELINGS LATER. What a perfect way of articulating what is perhaps the central experience of being a Lion primary.

- Probably I’m just both, you know. Some interesting lion/bird-chimaera. I like it.

I read you as a pretty clear Lion Primary, Bird primary model. But as always, the decision is very personal.

- I have a weird way of processing information: I read/ hear it, work to understand it, work to connect it to existing knowledge in my mind, then my beliefs, my existing knowledge and my feelings about it all wind around each other, grow into each other, some dissolve together, becoming a swamp which then nourishes the plants of new ideas and connections that grow from it.

You grok it. And that’s not weird.

I often can’t remember where certain knowledge came from. I can’t take it out of a memory shelf and tell you about it. I usually remember that I’ve read a certain book and whether I liked it / it influenced me, but I won’t exactly remember what was in it, even if it was important to me. Because all that information is already processed/ digested/ transformed into something new. It’s much easier to access my memory swamp intuitively than consciously.

and you seriously had like… any doubt that you were a Lion.

In intellectual discussions I tend to get stuck because I just can’t remember enough of the details (for my satisfaction), just my conclusions about the topic and how I feel about it.

I’m inclined to think that not accessing the details is either a secondary thing, or an entirely unrelated processing thing.

What do you make of all this? I’m very curious!

:)

[On an unrelated note, I’d like to specify the compliment I made at the beginning of this post. I’m really impressed with your ability to pick up on what people need, not just what they say they want. As a counselor this is a skill I try to hone, so I know how difficult it is to not get too distracted by the story people tell and miss the more subtle cues. You have a powerful combination of perceptiveness, insight and so much kindness, which you use to effectively support people who have questions, are in distress or confused. You don’t generalize. You don’t judge. You see the people who talk to you.  I love that you’re a teacher, because I can see you’re using the influence that gives you in a way that contributes to making the world a better place. Fellow Idealist, I’d like to give you a High Five for that, if I may. :)))]

I’m not sure I’ve ever been given a better compliment. Thank you.

[let-the-dream-begin]

A Family of Our Own: Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Read on AO3

By the time Claire and Jamie pulled themselves together and made themselves presentable, the sun was nearly gone, and Jenny was nowhere to be found in the house. Claire was grateful for that; Jamie said he didn’t want to talk to her about anything until he spoke to John first, made sure he was alright. Claire had offered to give them time to talk alone before she joined them, though she secretly thanked the Lord when Jamie turned this down.

“Anything said between John and I is also between you and I. And him, I suppose,” he’d said. “I want ye by my side.”

So they crept silently through the house and up the stairs, lest they alert anyone of their presence. Claire made a note to check in with Brianna later, and she prayed she didn’t have any questions.

They paused outside of the room John had been put up in, and Jamie squeezed Claire’s hand, subconsciously, she thought, as if he needed the strength. She squeezed back and smiled reassuringly, nodding. Breathing deeply, Jamie lifted his free hand, and knocked.

The door opened slowly to reveal a shockingly put together John; not a hair out of place from where it was tied at the nape of his neck, not a wrinkle in his clothing. His red coat was gone, and he wore a finely trimmed waistcoat. The only evidence of anything wrong was his eyes: red rimmed and slightly puffy, like he’d only recently stopped crying.

“Good evening,” he said formally, stiffly. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Can we come in, John?” Jamie said. “I believe there is much to be said.”

John grimaced, as if that was the last thing he was hoping for. “Quite.”

He stepped aside, opening the door wider for the Frasers to step through, then shut it behind him. John moved to the window, sitting on the sill. “I’d been admiring the view before you knocked,” he said. “Such beautiful land.”

Claire sat slowly on the trunk at the foot of the bed, gently pulling on Jamie’s hand to get him to join her.

“I’m...very sorry for my sister’s behavior,” Jamie began. “She was unforgivably rude. Ye dinna deserve that treatment. I welcomed ye into my home, and ye were abused. I’m sorry, a charaid.”

John finally turned his body away from the window and looked at Jamie. “It’s quite alright.”

“It isn’t,” Claire cut in. “I can see how hurt you are. The things she said were deeply hurtful. And she will not be easily forgiven by either of us.”

John pursed his lips. “I...appreciate your caring for my honor.”

“Of course,” Claire said fervently. “We’re friends.”

“Are we?” John challenged gently. “Have you not come here to interrogate my intentions with your husband?”

Claire stiffened a bit and blinked rapidly. “No. Not at all.”

“Claire kens yer intentions,” Jamie cut in.

“I told you that nothing happened,” John said, ignoring Jamie. “I thought you understood.”

“I do,” Claire said quickly. “I believed you. I still do.”

“Then why couldn’t you wipe that disgust off your face the entire time Jamie’s sister made those accusations?”

Claire fought the urge to recoil; this was the first time all day she had seen Lord John anywhere close to angry. His jaw was hard, his mouth a thin line, his blue eyes sharp and piercing. She felt that anger to her core, like a pricking needle.

“I...I didn’t mean…”

“No, of course you didn’t,” he said forgivingly, but his defensive stance remained. “You could hardly be expected to school your features when your suspicions were validated by another person.”

Claire opened her mouth to protest, to insist she’d had no such suspicions...but she’d have been lying. She truly hadn’t noticed her face had changed in the slightest. All she remembered feeling was horror at the scene playing out before her.

“Any...suspicions Claire may have had were borne out of concern for me,” Jamie said. “She doesna think ill of ye, truly.”

“She thinks ill enough of me to think I ever meant you harm.”

Claire swallowed thickly. “That’s...not what I thought.”

John’s eyes darted to her, and she wanted to run away and hide from them.

“I’d only ever thought of you abstractly,” Claire began. “You were just this...idea of a hero who saved my husband and brought a family together. I hadn’t had to confront the reality of you being a real man...with real feelings.” Jamie squeezed her hand, urging her to continue. “Then you were here, looking at my husband like that, speaking fondly of your time together when he was locked away from me...and it was very...difficult to come to terms with.”

John seemed to reign in some of his rage as he nodded. “I understand.”

“It seems...absurd to be jealous of my husband’s jailer…” She rolled her eyes self consciously. “But I suppose that’s what I am. And everything Jenny said about seeing Jamie...return those affections just...had me spiraling.”

“There’s nothing to fear there, my dear,” John said darkly, but not without humor. “He does not return anything but friendship.”

Claire glanced sidelong at Jamie, who was staring at the floor between his feet. John jerked in shock.

“What?” he demanded.

Claire bit her tongue. She would not speak for Jamie on this matter, could not.

But the truth screamed at her, even if Jamie himself hadn’t admitted it to even her.

“You don’t. Do you?”

Jamie clenched his teeth.

“Answer me, damn it. I have asked so little of you. All I am asking is an answer. A true answer.”

Claire was frozen, could not even bring herself to squeeze Jamie’s hand to snap him out of it.

“I can’t,” Jamie finally said. “I’m a married man.”

“That’s not what I asked.” John sat up straighter, palms on his knees. “I said do you. Not can you.”

He didn’t answer.

“Jamie,” Claire whispered hoarsely.

“I’m sorry,” John said tightly. “Forget it. Please.”

“Jamie.”

“No, Claire.” John’s voice went up in pitch, as if in panic. “I don’t…” He shook his head, then ran a hand over his hair. “I don’t want to know.”

A single tear rolled down Claire’s cheek. She supposed that John knew the truth, then, as well.

How wrong was it for Claire to be grateful? She thought perhaps the only reason that Jamie wouldn’t admit the truth to himself was because of his trauma. He’d not do it to spare her; he would at least be truthful to her even if he never acted on his feelings or urges out of fidelity. But, God, what would she do if Jamie had no misgivings about men like John? What would she do if Jamie was staring at him like he wanted to devour him whole?

What would she do if Jamie walked right to the windowsill and kissed him, granted himself something he had long denied himself?

She knew enough to know that this would not affect his love for her. Not at all. But Claire did not think she was capable of sharing Jamie’s heart.

But it felt wrong to be grateful to his trauma.

And either way...perhaps she was already sharing it.

She’d never know.

After a long, terrible silence, John cleared his throat and stood up. “Whisky, anyone?”

Without any answer, he poured three glasses and walked over with two, holding them out to Jamie and Claire.

“We haven’t yet played chess,” John said when neither of them took the glasses right away. “There’s a board right in this room. I admit I’ve never had an audience, but one as lovely as your wife would be most welcome.” Claire allowed a tiny smile, unable to resist his genuine, sweet attempts at returning to normalcy. “What do you say, my friend?”

Only then did Jamie look up, smiling, to Claire’s surprise. He took the glass and stood, taking Claire with him.

“Aye,” Jamie spoke for the first time in a long while, a playful smirk on his face. “Allow me to remind ye how it’s done, Grey.”

——

After a great many games of chess, a great deal of whisky, and a great amount of laughter, Claire sitting on the arm of Jamie’s chair all the while, the Frasers bid John goodnight and stumbled rather drunkenly to their own bedrooms. Jenny and Ian were forgotten for the moment.

“Brianna…” Claire said breathlessly as Jamie kissed her neck against their bedroom door. “I should...check on her…”

“It’s late,” Jamie reasoned, grazing his teeth on her skin. “She’ll be asleep. Mary’ll have seen to it.”

“But she’s...probably frightened…”

“Something we can deal with tomorrow.” He bodily picked her up, and she squeaked, fighting against him until he chucked her onto the bed like a ragdoll.

“You bloody oaf!”

Jamie undressed himself piece by piece, and Claire just lay there, staring at him.

“Care to join me?”

“You threw me here. You can undress me.”

Jamie grunted in annoyed acquiescence, but Claire knew he relished in the act. Though it was probably easier when she was standing, she refused to get up. So he rolled her around like she would a patient in a sick bed until she was naked as he was. Jamie wasted no time; he checked between her legs to be sure she was ready, and she always was, and then he forcefully lifted one of her legs over his shoulder and drove home.

Claire cried out hoarsely, feeling him pierce her deeply in this position. He had her rough and posessively, much opposed to the tender hesitance in the stable earlier in the day. And she met him head on.

“You’re mine,” she panted, clawing at the skin of his arse. “Mine, Jamie Fraser. Do you hear me?”

“Aye,” he choked, kissing his way down her calf until he released her leg and bent over, allowing her to wrap her legs around him, pulling him ever closer. “Yours. Now and forever.”

“Mine.” She twisted her fingers in his hair and tugged roughly, bringing her lips to his for a searing kiss.

Perhaps it was petty of her, perhaps ridiculously insecure. But when Jamie came with no one’s name on his lips but hers, and she with his, she felt an almost primal glow of satisfaction. Jamie panted over her, pressing her into the mattress, barely holding himself up on his elbows. Claire’s chest heaved as well, and she picked up a trembling hand, placing it in the center of his chest, right over his heart.

“Mine,” she whispered, pointedly.

“Aye,” he said hoarsely, closing his hand over hers and bringing it to his lips. “All yours, mo nighean donn.”

——

Jenny was not at breakfast the next morning, whether out of pettiness or shame was anyone’s guess. Ian was, however, and Claire could see his attempt to make normal conversation, to be polite. The children were less uncomfortable than the previous night; they had no idea what had occurred after they’d left the dining room. Brianna was none the wiser, even chatting to John about some of her tools she’d invented for the crop. Claire’s heart warmed to see him smile at her and nod, encourage her gently, his eyes twinkling.

He really was a good man, and she hoped that the horrible mess that last night had been would not prevent any friendship from blooming. Especially, she had to admit, if he meant so much to Jamie.

As Mary MacNab arrived to take the plates and Maggie dutifully stood to help, John rose. “I believe it’s time I take my leave.”

“No time for one final game of chess?” Jamie stood as well.

“Unfortunately not. I’ll be expected.”

“Are ye sure?” A third voice chimed in, and Claire looked over at Ian with shock. “I havena yet seen any proof of yer expertise.”

John’s face slightly resembled that of a codfish, mouth gaping just slightly. He blinked dumbly back and forth at Claire and Jamie, and then Jamie nodded, smiling encouragingly.

“Well, alright,” John said finally. “Perhaps one game.”

And that was how Jenny found her husband, crouched over a chess board with a redcoat, Jamie standing behind John, Claire behind Ian, all the children gathered around the game on the floor as if to listen to their tutor. She hung back, watching quietly in the doorway of the parlor, only Ian and Claire able to see her. She couldn’t meet Claire’s eye.

When Ian conceded, the children groaned in defeat.

“Och, none o’ that,'' Ian waved them off. “He won fair and square. And a damn good game he played.”

“I wanted to see ye beat a redcoat, Da.”

“Jamie.”

“Sorry...Sir.”

“Quite alright,” John said genially, standing up and holding his hand out for Ian to shake. “You put up quite the fight.”

Ian got to his feet and eyed John’s hand like a beaten dog wary of being offered a perfectly good steak. After narrowing his eyes only briefly, he took John’s hand and shook firmly. “I thank ye.”

“Alright, now I really must be going,” John said, and Claire’s heart lightened to see his mood had improved significantly since breakfast. She made a note to thank Ian profusely later. It couldn’t have been easy to put himself out there like that, but it made all the difference, to both John and Jamie.

And to her, she supposed. Only when John turned to leave did John notice Jenny, and he stiffened immediately. Jamie did as well, his countenance darkening.

“I...thank ye fer visiting, My Lord,” Jenny said, her voice smaller than perhaps Claire had ever heard it. “And I...apologize fer my behavior. It was...untoward.”

“The understatement of the century,” Claire said wryly, crossing her arms.

And then, the most unbelievable sight occurred right before her eyes: Jenny Fraser Murray blushed. Deep and crimson and full of shame.

“Aye. Indeed.” She sniffed, staring at the floor. “Ye’re always welcome in this home as a friend to my brother. And my gratitude to ye for bringing him home knows no bounds.”

God, she was practically choking trying to get the words out. But, out they were coming.

“I apologize again, My Lord, for being a puir host.” Jenny curtsied, sniffing again. 

She sounded like a child reciting lines from a poem required of them to memorize, and as she flicked her eyes to Ian, and he nodded in approval, Claire knew this was indeed a script he had given her to memorize.

God bless Ian, truly.

“Thank you, Madam.” John was uncomfortable, that was clear. But he nodded nonetheless “It is appreciated.”

One glance at the children told Claire they were all positively gobsmacked to see their mother so reticent, or her aunt, in Brianna’s case. They’d probably never seen such a thing, and they likely never would again.

“I thank you all for your hospitality.” John bowed genially at Ian, Jenny, and the little ones. “Children. It was most lovely to meet you all. Brianna.” He winked at her, and she bit her lip, smiling down at her feet.

“Claire and I will see you out,” Jamie cut in.

“Farewell.”

“Safe travels, My Lord,” Ian called.

The children all remained silent, as did Jenny, as the three crossed the room to leave, but then one tiny voice piped up:

“Goodbye, Lord John!”

Claire, Jamie, and John turned to see Brianna grinning up at them, the other children glaring at her with popping eyes.

Claire glanced up at John, who looked fit to burst. “Goodbye, Miss Fraser.”

They walked down the hall to the sound of awed whispers from all the children, and then they were outside, and Rabbie was fetching John’s horse from the stables.

“I...hope yer stay wasna altogether unpleasant,” Jamie said sorrowfully. “I truly didna mean fer things to get so...ugly.”

“No,” John said fondly, that twinkle in his eye returning. “Not altogether at all.”

“You are welcome, you know,” Claire said. “I mean, I know you have to come as an agent of the Crown. But just know...we want you here.”

“We?” John cocked a brow.

“Yes. We. At least, Jamie and I.” “And Brianna as well, I think,” Jamie added, smiling crookedly.

“Yes...I think she’s come around.” Claire couldn’t help her own smile.

“Have you come around, Claire?”

Claire blinked back her shock and chuckled nervously. “Well...yes. I think I have. And I’m...sorry I even had to. I didn’t...think I’d have to.”

“It’s alright.” He reached for her hand and squeezed. “Truly.”

Before she could stop herself, Claire closed the distance between them and embraced him tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered fervently. “For everything you’ve done for us.”

“You’re...welcome, my dear.”

Without thinking, Claire kissed his cheek as she pulled away.

Jamie took John’s hand and shook it firmly, and their hands lingered together.

“You shall always have my friendship, John,” Jamie promised. “If that has any value to ye.”

“A very great value, indeed.”

Their hands lingered for just a moment longer, and then John was mounting his horse, and Jamie tucked Claire into his side.

“Until next quarter, my friend,” Claire called, shielding her eyes from the sun.

“Yes, until then.”

And he was gone.

Jenny was helping Mary finish with the breakfast dishes in the kitchen when Jamie and Claire went back inside, and she did not look up from her scrubbing as she entered.

“I ken how much it took for ye to do that,” Jamie said, close enough so Mary did not hear. “And I appreciate it.”

“I did my duty as Mistress of the house,” Jenny said, still scrubbing.

“The least you could do,” Claire said, crossing her arms.

Jenny hummed in agreement, still keeping her eyes down.

“It’s clear enough ye’re ashamed,” Jamie said, less genial now. “But I’ve yet to hear it from yer lips to my ears.”

“Aye, I’m ashamed.” She slammed her current dish into the soapy water, finally looking at them. Her eyes were red-rimmed and sunken in. She must have hardly slept the night before. “I’m mostly ashamed because I meant every word. And I dinna ken how to be sorry for something I meant so much.”

Jamie pursed his lips, nodding. “I see.”

“But,” she went on, sniffling. “It was wrong to treat him that way. And to say such terrible things about my own brother.”

“Aye, it was.”

“I was...scared. Of what I didna understand.” She met Claire’s eye, and Claire fought the urge to nod her agreement. “But...as yer wife said...it’s none of my business.”

“Aye. That’s right.”

“But ye’ve been faithful to Claire, aye?”

“Christ…”

“Because I swear, brother, I’ll serve yer balls for breakfast if ye’ve lain wi’ anyone but yer wife, woman or man.”

“I’m one word away from slapping ye silly again.”

“That’s enough,” Claire cut in. “If you must know, Jamie has sworn to me that he’s been faithful, and I trust his word like I trust my own mind. So that’s that, and you can drop it.”

Jenny nodded curtly, returning to her scrubbing. “Good.”

An awkward silence passed during which Mary MacNab sneezed, and Claire jumped, having forgotten she was even there.

“Is that all?”

Jamie rolled his eyes heavenward, and Claire made a note to praise him on his patience. “Aye.”

“To work wi’ ye then.”

So Jamie left, and Claire stayed behind to help with clean-up.

“D’ye think he’ll truly forgive me?” Jenny stopped scrubbing, looking into Claire’s eyes with genuine desperation that almost made Claire feel sorry for her.

“Eventually,” Claire said. “And so will I. Eventually.”

Jenny averted her eyes shamefully, biting her lip. She nodded, sniffling again, and Claire reached into the soapy water for another rag and began scrubbing another dish

[ddarker-dreams]

A Still Beating Heart. Yan Alucard x Reader [COMM]

warnings: isolation and mentions of blood word count: 2k

To free yourself from the clutches of your room means to explore this archaic mansion, in search of some form of solace. 

The hallways are long-winding, foreboding. Drawn curtains block out sunlight’s kiss, leaving naught but sinister shadows at the end of each hall, indecipherable to the naked eye. Wood in colors consisting of rich hickory are present at every turn, impeccably clean and detailed in their carvings. Atop antique sideboards sit various trinkets, surely a finding any archaeologist would die to examine. You’ve been told that what’s his is yours, to help yourself to any treasures that capture your eye. What use are the finest, exotic luxuries from centuries past in a prison like this? 

Candlelight guides you on your way, though you worry it’s damaging your eyesight. Squinting has become far too common for your liking, to make out where it is you’re going is a challenge when natural light is forbidden. Old floorboards creak underneath your tentative steps, leading you to inhale sharply. Does it even matter if you make a noise that could possibly alert him? Even now, your gut warns that there is another set of eyes set upon your figure. Watching as you weave in and out of rooms in search of entertainment, internally snuffing out sinister intentions that you draw out like water from a well. 

The fear of being watched, studied like an animal in a cage while remaining none the wiser to the horrors in the walls has faded with time. Birthed from a primitive drive centered around preservation of the self, to keep your sanity in a delicate balance. Every flicker of candlelight, that cast shadows upon its surroundings, used to frighten you. To the point any sign of movement, any sound without an immediately identifiable source, would render you inconsolable. Now, you choose to pay it little mind, having grown acquainted with the unknown. 

Your destination has been reached, lithe fingers wrapped around the silver candlestick placing it down on a nearby wooden console. The door is unlocked, opening easily at your prompting, candlestick back in hand to illuminate the seemingly unending maze of bookshelves. A sigh of relief makes its way past your lips, grateful for the reprieve before you. Entertainment is sparse, reading one of the few reliable sources of passing the time. How thoughtful of him to grant this sparse freedom, bitterness growing inside you like a thorn covered vine. 

Fingertips brush over the spines of numerous books, and you closely examine the detailings of each one. The languages you can recognize are few and far between, from Romanian to Turkish. Reading in a language you can’t understand will do you no good, so you settle upon one of the few English titles. The Castle of Otranto, a seemingly fitting read for the macabre atmosphere that surrounds. Making yourself comfortable on a nearby love seat, you once again place the candlestick down and open the book on your lap. The sensation of hardened paper against your skin brings with it, among other things, familiarity. Black ink captures you, sending you into a world far away from here. Some realities are too good to be true, and your little escape is spoiled before it ever truly begins.

“I never seem capable of guessing which one you will pick.” 

A natural reaction to a new sound, your head lifts in search of identifying the direction it reverberates from. The deep, rumbling voice has no single point of origin, instead encompassing you from every corner of the library. How many times has Alucard played this game with you, and how many times will you allow him to? It’s not entirely possible for you to control every aspect of human biology, you’re incapable of stopping how your pupils dilate and the goosebumps that dot your skin. He goes beyond any understanding, transcending into the throes of unnatural. An uncanny valley, where you can almost place your finger on it, but it remains far too murky to know for certain. 

In his presence, there will be no enjoying the pleasures of reading, so you shut the book. “Then you must not know me as well as you claim.” 

His laughter starts softly. An unholy sound that colors the depths of your soul with dread, like a single drop of dark ink into formally purified water. With every second that progresses at a sluggish pace, his amusement corrupts you further, until there’s nothing left to do but glare defiantly at the empty spaces around. If he wants to play coy, taunting you from a distance, then so be it. Exchanges like this that left you a nervous wreck have become commonplace. In the recesses of your mind, a temptation blooms to slander him as a coward. For not materializing into physical form, in fear of the onslaught of your scrutiny that would lash out. But you know the unpleasant truth, he has nothing to fear from the likes of you. 

It's for the sake of your fragile psyche he often chooses to remain out of sight. 

How belittling, you think. That he should place you on a pedestal high enough to consider your mental well being, but still sees fit to keep you under lock and key for himself. Lamenting about your predicament has never filled the void in your heart he tore out, so you push the thoughts as far down as you can. Your mouth is settled into a straight line, head resting atop your fist. If he’s going to poke and prod from afar, the least he can do is dignify you with eye contact. 

Looking at the last spot his voice resonated from, your eyebrows knit together with irritation. “Come out already. Stop playing these trifling games.” 

The loose strands of hair that frame your face are pushed back, by wind of no identifiable origin, chilling your body to the bone. You hug the sides of your bare arms, cursing yourself for picking a flimsy nightgown to wear, the temperature of the room dropping unnaturally. Flicks of ebony and crimson appear by your side, slowly but surely taking the silhouette of a man. The height difference between you two is always unsettling, no matter his claims of never harming you. Eyes that have seen centuries of conflict blink, pallid flesh becoming a physical reality and filling out into a face. This sight is one you’ve bore witness to many times, and each time you feel further from God, like you’re seeing something you shouldn’t be. A deeply forbidden and imposing evil. 

“I’ve done as you’ve asked, there’s no need to glare at the wall anymore.” 

Not seeing an advantage in offering a response, you choose to ignore the comment. “What is it you want, Alucard?” 

Your own tone is exasperated, words cutting straight to the heart of the issue. He takes note of this immediately, and you come to regret your uncharacteristic impatience. Eyelids fluttering shut for a moment to regain your composure, you see him staring down at you with an unreadable countenance once they reopen. There’s a pressing issue on his mind, you know as you’re the centerpiece of it. He must not intend on bringing it up just yet, instead paying heed to the book you picked out. 

“Do you find the selection agreeable?” 

A low hum leaves your lips at the question, and you consider it, before offering an honest opinion. “I can’t read most of the books here.” 

“Should I translate them for you? Or, perhaps, teach you the languages themselves?” Alucard offers after a moment’s deliberation, and you find it strange. The version of him that sits beside you now, consulting you like it’s a normal conversation. As if the hands that stay by his side haven’t been tainted with the blood of thousands, instead taking an almost considerate approach in speaking with you. You can’t claim to understand how a monster such as Alucard became so beguiled by your existence, and something tells you he doesn’t understand it himself.

“There’s no need.” 

Your voice lacks the force it normally exerts, body feeling as if it’s growing further from you. Subconsciously, your hand raises to the side of your head, grimacing at the pounding ache that’s growing stronger by the minute. Acting like nothing is wrong is a feeble effort anyways, he’s already caught onto your dilapidated state. It doesn’t matter how cautious you had been in disposing the blood set aside for your consumption, it was only a matter of time until it’d catch up with you. The hand that remains free goes to the cushion of the couch, fingers entrenching themselves into the fabric and ripping it in the process.

“How long have you gone without it?” He finally stops dancing around the sore subject, much to your chagrin. Alucard sounds exasperated, and if it weren’t for endangering predicament, you might feel a hint of pride. To procure any reaction from him that goes against his wishes is a victory, as far as you’re concerned. Petty as it may be, he himself is far worse. So you relish in the knowledge that you’ve made him miserable, even if it can never match the amount he has inflicted on you. 

The world as you know it is growing unsteady, even as you sit perfectly still. A taboo longing constricts your body, muscles taut and chest heaving. “I lost track.” 

It’s an honest admission. Your little sideshow of rejecting what keeps you alive -- if you can even call this state of being that -- has been ongoing for a while now. An act of defiance to spite Alucard further, that still doesn’t fill you with enough satisfaction. It’s a regret to know that nothing will ever fulfill you, nothing but the ambrosia of freedom, too sweet and out of reach for you to taste. The shadow of a life you now live has ensured that, a nightmare bestowed upon you by Alucard’s innate need. 

“This isn’t even the worst of it,” he lowers his voice, speaking with such delicacy it makes you sick to your stomach. “Should you choose to stay like this, you’ll feel misery beyond words. Give up this futile act of defiance.” 

He speaks right next to you, inches from your ear, but it doesn’t properly register. Emotions haunt you like a curse, a spectrum of despair to raw want. You want blood. You want the taste of iron to lavish itself upon your tongue, temporarily filling the hole of animalistic hunger that you can no longer push down. It’s a flame that’s lit within you, and there is no further hope in extinguishing it. Your own thoughts are replaced by a need to survive, your hands moving without your prompting. 

By your side, he has nicked his finger, liquid crimson falling like a waterfall from heaven. There are no signs of your own self, autonomy thrown to the side. Your soft, paling lips, latch onto the source of vitality. Alucard watches wordlessly, an emotion that can almost be defined as regret flashing through his eyes. This is the fate that he had inflicted upon you, a lifetime of being a vampire like himself. It isn’t what he wanted for you -- to burden you with the weight he has carried for centuries past -- but you left him no choice. Having seen you lying, seconds away from death’s door, he had to act. To preserve your life, to keep you with him. 

You pull away, mouth smeared deep vermillion, eyes growing glassy. There’s no point in holding onto the shreds of honor that left you a long time ago, and you collapse against his solid frame. Alucard has never been capable of comforting you, not beyond melancholic touches that seem to pain him more than you. Sniffling against his shoulder, your hand raises, threatening to strike, before losing strength and falling down. Humiliating as it may be, you don’t care, holding desperately to any form of consolation this world may offer you. 

Alucard, the one who clipped your wings in the name of love, can only watch as you curse and cry out to him. 

[juniorgman187]

In the End (Spencer Reid Imagine)

Summary: Inspired by the popular Tik Tok trend; Reid walks in on Reader taking off his/her/their promise ring after they’ve broken up. 

Couple: Spencer Reid x GenderNeutral!Reader Category: soft angst?? I don’t really know Content Warning: Mild heartbreak and angst, momentarily sad Spencer Word Count: 1.3k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　

“So I see you’re still wearing the ring.” Tara gestured toward the band of gold on my finger with her coffee cup, making the contents of the container stir audibly.

Before she pointed it out, I didn’t notice I still had it on, much less that I was playing with it. 

She must’ve interpreted my fidgeting as an expression of my subconscious deliberation on whether or not it belonged there anymore, which wouldn’t have been entirely wrong. 

Did it belong anymore? 

I didn’t know.

“Wasn’t that his college class ring?” 

“Yeah, it was,” I broke into a small smile. “When he graduated, he was only sixteen, so he got the ring to fit his finger back then. Of course, he grew out of it, and eventually, he gave it to me.” I managed to recite the story with no other emotion, other than a weak laugh, which was surprising actually. 

Perhaps I wasn’t as torn as I thought I was considering I was able to recite a memory that used to bring me to happy tears with a cold indifference now. 

“Why’d he give it to you?” “I used to constantly pick at my cuticles whenever I got nervous and most times I’d do it and I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it until I picked at them for so long that my skin started to bleed. He noticed it and came into work one morning with the ring. He gave it to me only after I promised him that I’d fiddle with it instead of picking at my cuticles.”

Truth be told, it worked. 

Whenever there was turbulence on the jet, or I took too long to put pieces together, or a child was missing for more than 24 hours, I played with the ring, spinning it around my finger in slow circles. It was a better substitute than I imagined it would be. 

“It’s funny actually because when he put the ring on my finger, we both saw how perfectly it fit me. Like it was made just for me.” This was a distant memory, but I smiled just as widely as I did when it happened all those years ago. 

“That’s a really sweet story, Y/N,” She put a comfortingly hand on top of my fidgeting ones, forcing me to look at her, instead of the aforementioned jewelry. 

“You don’t have to take it off, you know? I didn’t take my wedding ring off for months after Daryl and I divorced. When I told him about it, he said that it was endearing that I kept the ring - and I think it’d be endearing if you kept Spencer’s.” 

I frowned and shrugged, still toying with the piece of jewelry. “But that’s different. That was a wedding ring. Of course, you kept it, but this?” I tugged the ring off of my finger harshly and pinched it between my thumb and index finger, holding it up to Tara’s face. “This is just a stupid promise ring.” 

I refixed my gaze from the gold band to Tara, who was looking right past me. I held my breath when her eyes glanced back at me and her eyebrows furrowed - she looked absolutely mortified. And I was about to be, too. 

I peered hastily over my shoulder, already knowing who I was going to see standing there. 

My heart broke in two when I saw him stuck in the entryway with his eyes locked on the object between my fingers. I felt even worse when I saw one of his hands clutching the strap of his crossbody satchel while the other was in his pocket. He looked exactly like how he always looked when he entered the room - casually and carelessly - but after what he just walked into, he froze in his place, bewildered by the sight.

Right away, I was stricken with guilt. I frantically tried to pick up the pieces of my destruction, hoping for a reprieve. 

“Spence, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not a stupid ring, I was just-”

“Do you not want to wear it anymore?” His voice was so quiet, I almost didn’t catch it breaking halfway through.

I turned back to Tara as if reading her face would give me the answer I desperately needed, but she was as confounded as I was. 

By the time I looked back at Reid again, he was pushing past Prentiss and rushing right back into the bullpen. 

“Hey, Spencer -” 

Reid dodged her completely and wordlessly stormed off. 

“Reid!” Prentiss leaned to the side to get a better view of him and continued to call out to him until he was out of range. “Reid!” 

She turned back to me and Tara, recognizing the same sad look in my eyes that she did in Reid’s. 

“Oh no . . . don’t tell me this is about -” 

“It’s not. Don’t worry.” I turned on my heels (A/N: This is not to be taken literally; the reader isn’t actually wearing high heels; it’s merely an idiom) and took my seat again, cowering my head to hide my distress from the team as they entered the room.

Don’t ask me why, but I thought shutting it down before anyone else came into the conference room meant that it would go away, or that no one would notice. But I quickly realized that would’ve only worked if I wasn’t in a room with people who studied human behavior and the nuances of it. 

“So what’s up with you today?” I heard Rossi ask from behind me. 

I immediately regretted making a trip to the water cooler, forgetting how it was an opportunity to catch me alone and back me into a corner from which I could not escape. 

“And don’t give me that ‘Nothing. I’m fine’ crap.” He raised his eyebrows to suggest he expected my sincerest answer. 

“Honestly?” I asked. 

He nodded. 

“I thought we could go back to work and everything would be okay, but it’s only 10 a.m, and we’re already breaking each other’s hearts all over again.” 

Rossi put a hand on my shoulder and sighed. “What you two have -” He paused. “What you two had, that isn’t gonna go away overnight. Especially if it was real. And we all know that it was. And when it comes to something as precious as true love, it needs to be handled with the utmost delicacy if you intend on preserving it. Me and Krystall - we didn’t work out back then, and I accepted that. But look at us now. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. And I think a part of the reason why is because I never stopped loving her. And imagine that - me? In love? As jaded as I am, I still loved her as deeply as I loved her back then.”

I laughed weakly and judging from Rossi’s smile after my laugh, that was his intention. 

“Now, take Spencer. Kid’s got a heart of gold. And if I can love, he can, too. And he does. He loves you, Y/N . . . you know that right?”

“Yeah.” 

“So take it from me - don’t be so eager to squander the relationship or rid yourself of any love you have for him. Hold on that love. Because if I’ve learned anything from marrying Krystall, it’s that there is such a thing as the right person but the wrong time. Okay, kiddo?” Rossi put his hand on my cheek gently and I leaned into his caress. He grinned before walking away, leaving me to my devices. 

Don’t ask me how I knew, but I looked up from my dixie cup of water and right at the glass doors. 

He paused when I caught his gaze.

I raised my hand to wave at him with a bittersweet smile. And to my surprise, he raised his hand briefly off his satchel to wave a little back. 

Maybe it’s supposed to be us in the end . . . 

But it’s not supposed to be us right now. 

And like a bad habit I couldn’t shake, my fingers returned to the ring, spinning it in slow circles.

He saw . . . and he smiled. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

[the-healing-mindset]

“How Am I Meant to Be?”: A Question from My Inner Child

Growing up, I heard many times that I “couldn’t be like other kids,” or that I “couldn’t do the things other kids did.” These words came from my close family after I did something that they most likely didn’t agree with, or acted in a way that likely would have made it appear as if I had poor home training, thus meaning they weren’t good people. In a sense, from an early age, my freedom just “To Be” as I was, was stripped away. 

Because of this, I really lost my ability to have fun or enjoy my life without the fear of being judged or criticized harshly if I did something - anything - outside of what may have been socially acceptable. I can remember looking to other kids with envy, admiring their freedom as they excitedly ran around, played, and formed friend groups. I felt excluded. I kept myself in a mental prison. As the years went on, I continued to develop this extremely strong self-awareness through a harshly critical voice in my head. “How do I fit in here?” “What will happen if I become too much like the others?” “Can I ‘like’ myself if I am as they are?” “Will my family still accept me?” Deeply existential questions that eventually turned to self-loathing. “I can’t do any of this.” “I won’t be able to keep up with them.” “Someone will find out that I’m trying to fit in.” Pure fear of just Being as I was in the world. My opportunity early on to discover myself was gone.

Without me knowing it, I began denying myself even the most basic connections. When someone tried to communicate and connect with me, I distanced myself. I became so strongly identified in my own interests to the point that if I couldn’t find anyone who was willing to be interested in what I was interested in, I stayed alone. I intentionally isolated myself from others my age, only staying close to and following the occasional adult who would allow me to stick around. I was in search of something. But what? More often than not, they would say “Go play with the others!” “Have a good time!” But then dread set in. I didn’t know how to have a good time with anybody else. So, I went off alone, often sad until it was time to do something else. By the time I came around to getting over the dread and wanting to connect, there was no chance.

Perhaps what I was looking for in those moments sticking by those adults was a sense of direction. A sense of stability in my Being through the Being of another person. Subconsciously, I must have been telling myself, “This person seems to have it all figured out.” “No one ever criticizes them and they don’t seem to be afraid of the way that they show up in the world.” But none of this could work, right? Things were just too different. At my age, I really wasn’t supposed to worry about those things. To escape from all of this, I found myself playing various roles to fill the internal void of not being able to be free as I was. I learned new skills. I studied all the time. I picked up numerous interests to talk about when asked. All of it to appear interesting in the eyes of others so that I could be accepted and thus accept myself. For a while, it all worked as an amazing front. I had it all figured out. So I thought.

Fast-forward fifteen years or so, it’s all falling apart. As a young adult, the self-awareness has turned to pure anxiety. I really do want to have at least a few close friends, but at the same time, I don’t ever feel close to anyone. I try to connect, then I get clingy, causing me to fall back into my pattern of withdrawing and isolating. Then, I overcompensate, inappropriately pouring my heart out the second I sense interest because I am torn between being lonely and wanting to connect, but also wanting to remain alone because I don’t feel as if I can hold up. For the longest time, I played the role of the “quiet smart person.” I hid behind this label. Showing all that I knew from time to time, but not reaching out to people when I really wanted to. Not building friendships, thus remaining excluded by my peers, but oddly, building numerous business connections here and there. That was easy because in the business realm, connection is shallow. The same basic formula applies all the time. Everything is based on what you have achieved. And there is really no obligation. I find myself with good career prospects, but very shaky relationship prospects.

But in friendship, it isn’t the same. It’s about shared experiences. It’s about being open. Having fun. Actual connection. Something I always preclude myself from doing because I “can’t be like everyone else,” even though I really do want to have those experiences, my subconscious thoughts sabotage me every time. Though I realize that my family was well-intentioned in trying to get me to behave as a child, this has all taken an unexpected path. Continuously, my inner child seeks. “Who can I be like?” “Am I okay by doing this?” “What am I really supposed to do?” The entire time, I’m consciously attempting to figure out why I just can’t be normal when connecting with people. Why do I have to be so clingy but also detached? Why do I always mess up and say too much? Why am I fighting with myself? By the time it’s all over, I am so socially anxious that I just withdraw. A connection missed. Then, I hate myself. 

But there is hope. Having this new awareness is allowing me to break out of the cycle. Beforehand, I was not aware that this was a particular part of my childhood trauma that was affecting me. I did not know that these words were ringing in my head each and every time I set out to do something new. Having this awareness will assist me in undoing my social anxiety. Though there are friendships that I wanted that I may never get to have, there are always new opportunities. “Find your people” I always hear. I hope to do so. And by that time, I hope that my inner child will say, “How I am is just fine,” and that I will be fine both alone and connected, not longing for any particular condition or playing any particular role for acceptance. Just Being. 

For anyone out there who feels lonely or like you can’t connect with anyone else. You’re not alone. Reach out. Find a support group. The world can be a harsh place, but there are plenty out there who understand. We won’t judge you. Be well. 

[mirrinbelde-shitposts]

I think you’re mercury is in Capricorn?

It's *you're, but indeed I have a Capricorn Mercury.

Welcome to your reading. Please remember to send feedback.

First impressions when looking at your chart: even distribution of planets; lots of aspects; a grand trine

SUN IN LIBRA

The Sun has its fall in Libra. This is, therefore, the most difficult position for the Sun, theoretically speaking. Concretely, you may find it hard to know and express yourself or you may have trouble developing healthy self-esteem. You may achieve self-discovery through socializing and relationships, particularly romantic ones. Your indecisive personality may hinder your journey of self-knowledge, so beware of this. You have a big need for harmony in life and in relationships, but your partner should balance you, so a person who can take initiative and make decisions is ideal, someone who is dynamic and has a taste for adventure. You are quite sociable and loved by everyone. Venus lends you grace, elegance, good taste and a high sense of diplomacy, fairness and justice.

SUN IN THE 11TH HOUSE

Here, the Sun is in the house of Aquarius. Libra does well here, because the two signs share some traits: humanitarianism, great importance of friendships, fondness of socialization. With the Sun placed here, I think that your group of friends is absolutely crucial to you: you can blend in well and you're very much accepted and liked by them. You can lead without being dominating, which makes people naturally bend to your desires. The Libra and Aquarius mix make me think that you would do well as an activist, a spokesperson for an NPO or a civil rights lawyer. The discovery of your identity may be acquired whilst in one of these groups or associations. You place great importance on your social life and you work together in a team. However, you should take care not to become too much like those around you.

MOON IN SCORPIO

Once again, you have a planet in Fall. Scorpio is a sign known for its intensity, whilst the Moon is a sensitive, delicate luminary. This position probably means that your emotional life is intense and dramatic. Your relationships are quite deep when it comes to the bond, but they are also complex and you may struggle to maintain them. Nothing is ever good enough, you are always unsatisified. You can mess with other people's emotions, be it on purpose or not. This may be due to your high intuitiveness and ability to discern others' thoughts and secrets. I'd say people cannot be indifferent to you. You may attract a lot of bad wishes, but some desperately want to be you or be with you. You probably take a lot of time to trust someone, but when that happens, you become a deeply loyal and caring partner, revealing you inner fragility and insecurity. However, you strong façade can probably keep most people away. Changing your nature may be quite difficult, but an unexpected loss may cause you to rethink your approach to life.

MOON IN THE 1ST HOUSE

You embody some of the Moon's traits, for example, your highly accurate intuitiveness regarding other people's feelings. Also, a bit like Cancer Moon, you may become "infected" by the feelings of those around you. With the Moon placed here, you may feel more comfortable showing your emotions, which very much contrasts with your Scorpio Moon. This is even more so because your Moon conjuncts the Ascendant. The relationship with your mother could be extremely important to you, for the good or for the bad. This placement also gives you an almost motherly quality: you can be quite good at perceiving when and how people need emotional support.

MERCURY IN SCORPIO

In this sign, Mercury behaves in a controlled, secretive way. You may be very cautious with your words, preferring to listen and to think, rather than to speak. You are graced with a natural curiosity toward the secret and the hidden things. You may enjoy delving on the concealed intentions and thoughts of others. Being a fixed sign, you may fiercely defend your opinions, as well as have a hard time seeing the world though a different lens. I think this may be a good placement for someone who works with the human mind: a physcologist or a detective. Your mind is restless, always looking for answers as to how things happen. However, you can give off reserved and secretive vibes, which may not be the most welcoming. Nevertheless, your ability to discern what other people struggle to see may be a huge advantage for you.

MERCURY IN THE 12TH HOUSE

This is the most karmic house. Mercury placed here may cause difficulty in bridging your thoughts and your feelings. Nevertheless, as I mentioned in the section about Scorpio Mercury, you enjoy mental gifts that are out of the reach of most people. Your inner world is very important to you; a refuge, even. You often delve deep into the subconscious mind, attempting to find explanations for what happens in the real world. In your case, since it makes a lot of sqares and oppositions, this need of yours may cause you to get obsessed, paranoic, even, so be careful not to let the influence of the powerful 12th house overtake your mind. This placement may lead to thoughts that, in turn, cause problems. It is your mission in this lifetime to learn from past lives and use this energy to better know yourself and the world around you.

VENUS IN VIRGO

Venus falls in the sign of Virgo (3 planets Fall in your chart, are you ok?). Here, Venus is given the tools of Mercury, which differ so very much from her own. For one, you are way too logical and analytical in your relationships. Your emotions aren't felt that much; you prefer to rationalize them, perhaps because you don't know how to deal with them in the first place. You probably prefer platonic relationships over romantic ones, because the latter require those feelings of which you have little understanding, whilst the former can rely upon solely on the mind, your speciality. You are intelligent, determined, put together and goal-oriented. Acts of service is probably the way to win you. Nevetheless, you don't fall for just anyone. You have to think a lot before entering a relationship, weighing all the pros and cons. However, when you do commit, you are are quite loyal and cute with your partner.

VENUS IN THE 9TH HOUSE

This placement is one of the indicators of having a foreign spouse or someone from a different cultural background; perhaps you will meet them abroad. This is because of your desire to connect to people in your travels. You also wish for a relationship that will broaden your horizons and will bring lots of adventures. Additionally, your relationships may affect how you see the world. You have a thirst for adventure. This is also a good position for teachers because it allows them to connect their love (Venus) to their teachings (9H).

MARS IN SAGITTARIUS

Mars in this sign makes for a highly adventurous, spontaneous, fun-loving individual. You have that reckless optimism that defines Sagittarius so well. With Mars here, you act in a blunt way and you are not afraid to take risks. This placement also aids with that search for the truth that I mentioned in the two Mercury sections. Sagittarius is also quite concerned with the higher mysteries, so Mars here goes well with your Mercury. You may also take action through your ideals; Jupiter, which rules Sagittarius, is also an idealist planet. Morals are quite important to you. Also, like the other Fire Mars, this is an auspicious placement for people who do sports competitively.

MARS IN THE 2ND HOUSE

Here, Mars is tied in with the themes of Taurus. Since Taurus is a fixed sign, I'd say that you are very good at getting what you want because you are quite determined and perseverant. You may have a strong will to acquire material things that bring you comfort and security. In that sense, you may wish to have a high-paying job that allows you to buy the things that allow you to have that comfortable lifestyle. However, you may spend your money too generously, so beware of that. You are brave and dynamic, qualities that help you to achieve what you want.

JUPITER IN TAURUS

Jupiter here emphasizes the importance that your values and desires have to you: harmony, comfort, security are of utmost importance. Like I mentioned, if you feel safe, you will appreciate all of these things in life. Jupiter also grants you a high need for love and affection, which, if provided, will be more than enough to make you happy. However, if you do not feel that security, you may become possessive, be it with people or with material things. Also, you may lead a lifestyle too focused on your earthly possessions. Lastly, you may also be anxious about the future; you want to know what’s in store for you.

JUPITER IN THE 5TH HOUSE

This placement expands your creative abilities. As a means to find yourself (Libra Sun), you may make use of the arts to express your identity. This is a lighter placement, that may give you that fun-loving, extroverted, childlike outlook on life. Once again, a placement that favours sports. It may also be a good one to have in order to better bond with children. Take care not to get too vain, because, with Jupiter in the house of Leo, you may feel compelled to be the best at everything you do, to be the star. You probably have lots of hobbies and may like to be a little risky with them; perhaps gambling or something along those lines, something challenging.

SATURN IN TAURUS

Your insecurities are tied to your possessions. This placement is not a good one in terms of managing money; you could’ve had problems in this area in a past life. Your self-esteem is too connected to what you belong, instead of what you are. You are too attached, so you also fear losing those things you love. You’re also too afraid to change, perhaps because you are not one to take risks, preferring to choose what you know. You shouldn’t think this way. Change is a natural part of life, one you must accept. Your self-growth is achieved through the connection to your heart. Learn to feel, instead of owning. Learn how to connect to people.

SATURN IN THE 6TH HOUSE

You can feel responsible for other people, especially your coworkers, even if you struggle getting along with them. There’s a need to serve, to be of use to others; you may find it hard to relax. You are quite organized, so you’d do well to make use of it. You could also be the type to help others in the way to their goals. However, you should also understand that, sometimes, you should just let go and go with the flow. Not everything in life is about hard work, routines or responsibilities. Find something that excites you; try some meditation. There may also be some health issues, perhaps you had them in your childhood. ⬛