#posting here instead of talking to the people I know because my roommate has the most dogshit takes on this situation

[melonnade]

absolutely disgusting the way that the violence on my campus this morning is being talked about on the news. reading articles rn and they keep talking about violence on both sides & fighting breaking out ‘between’ the two groups. call it what it fucking was. it’s not two sides being violent, it’s one being attacked by the other. rhetoric matters.

[rottenaero]

AO3

Part 1

Part 4

Part 6

Part 5 of the roommates idea

Okay okay, so before this starts, a lot of people have mentioned me posting this on ao3, and my question is if you guys mean it as it is, or if I should make two or three new parts to make up for the first part.

Because in the first part, we miss a lot of possible moments between Steve and Eddie since it skips to the basic idea.

This whole thing was meant to be a messy and quick way to get my ideas out, but then people ended up actually liking it, and well, I just want you guys to like the outcome.

Basically, I wanna know if I should;

A.Post it on ao3 as is

B. Post it on ao3 with two to maybe four parts instead of the original post, and have me do part six after I make those. (I'm a decently quick writer when I'm motivated, all these parts so far have been within a day or two)

C. Make the parts instead of the original post, and have this be a big one-shot on ao3(meaning it wouldn't be posted on there until this is finished)

I am really leaning towards B, just cause I wanna do those interactions (one of which would be Eddie coming out to Steve), but I wanna see what you guys think first.

This whole thing is kinda a wreck cause I don't usually post fics on Tumblr but hopefully it will get better with time.

After Dustin explains the upside down, and Eddie talks about what really happened, they come to a sort of agreement.

Eddie was to stay at the boathouse, and someone would occasionally come over with a supply of drinks and food.

Steve, of course, despised this, because Eddie is his best friend-(And who was he kidding? Goddamn crush, too)-dammit, but he let the plan go on anyway.

Before they left, Steve turned to Eddie, brows pinched together.

“Stay safe, alright? If you get hurt because you do something stupid, I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

Eddie laughed, loud and full, “Kinda counterproductive, aye sweetheart?”

He stopped when Steve didn’t laugh or make a joke back. “I’ll be fine, and I’ll walkie if things go to shit.”

“Good.” Steve gave him a little peck on the corner of his lips, “Don’t die, man. Can’t take care of these little shits by myself.”

He turned to face Max, and a gaping Dustin and Robin.

“Lets go, nerds”

-

Steve stared at the ground, unblinking.

One of his kids were gonna die.

Eddie had had apparently left the boathouse

Eddie was being hunted.

Two more students have been murdered.

He licked his lips, and his eyes flicked up to watch Powell talk about the town hall meeting.

They were royally fucked.

“Dustin, can you hear me? Wheeler? Stevie?”

Steve’s eyes widened and he turned around in time to see Dustin snatch the walkie.

“Eddie, holy shit. Are you okay?”

The walkie took a second to crackle back to life.

“Nah man, pretty uh, pretty goddamn far from okay.”

“Where is he?”Nancy asked, already halfway back into the car.

“Where are you?”

“Skull Rock, Steve knows it.”

Steve smiled, grabbing the walkie and clicking down on the button, “Hold on tight, Ed-stefer, we’re on our way.” He tossed it back to Dustin before turning to Nancy.

“I’m driving.”

She scrunched her nose, but didn’t question it and swapped to the passenger's side.

-

“Dude, I’m telling you, you’re leading us the wrong way.”

“It’s North, I’m positive! I checked the map.”

Steve sighed and pinched his nose, “This is literally Eddie and I’s spot, we come here all the time.”

“That doesn’t have to do with it being a make-out spot, does it?” Lucas asked hesitantly from his spot in the back.

“Jesus, no Sinclair, this does not have to do with- Eddie and I are just friends.”

Robin scoffed, “Didn’t you kiss him earlier?” She asked.

“As friends. He doesn’t like me like that.”

“Right, but you like him like that, though?”

“Oh wow, suddenly we’re here, y’know, at the place you said we weren’t gonna end up at?” Steve yelped, gesturing broadly at the rocks around him.

Lucas has to physically bite his lip to keep from mentioning that he had absolutely picked that up from Eddie, or that Eddie had picked it up from him.

“See? You little butthead, I was right.”

Theres a rustle of leaves and then,

“I concur, you, Dustin Henderson, are a total butthead.”

Steve turned to face the man and almost collapsed in relief, hes not hurt.

“Jesus Eddie, we thought you were a goner.” Dustin sighed, as he made his way past Steve to hug Eddie.

“Yeah, me too man. Me too.”

The hug goes on for maybe ten seconds before Eddie’s pulling back and bringing Steve into a side one, you know, like some kind of dad. “I tried calling you guys, but uh…”

His face turned sheepish and he stepped back a bit to grab some water from a canister. “My walkie was busted, man.”

“Drenched.” He adds in after a second, laughing a bit.

He took another sip from the bottle before wiping and extra drops away from his mouth. “So, uh, I did the thing that I do now apparently. I ran.” He let out another laugh, this one was a little bit more self-deprecating.

“Do you know what time this was? The attack.”

Eddie perked up, and grabbed at his wrist, “ Yeah, no, I um, know exactly what time it was.”

He held up a watch, the dials on it weren’t moving. “My walkie wasn’t the only thing that got soaked.”

“9:27…”

“Same times our flashlights went kablooey.” Robin says, and her eyes light up like she connected the dots.

Steve hadn’t, “Which means what exactly?”

“That that surge of energy was Vecna attacking Patrick.”

Steve half-zoned out, silently going through the events in his head, while maintaining conversation.

“Skull Rock was North.”

“An electromagnetic field.”

“What say you, Eddie the Banished?”

Steve tuned back in, a hundred percent now. He turned to look at Eddie, who was still crouching, and damn how did his back not hurt?

“I say you’re asking me to follow you into Mordor,” Steve perked up, he kind of knew this one, “-which, if I’m totally straight with you, I think it’s a really bad idea.”

And Steve nodded along, because yeah, this was a terrible idea.

“But uh, the Shire, the Shire is burning, so Mordor it is.”

He whistled at Eddie when everyone got up, and he was by Steve’s side in seconds.

“You’re not hurt or anything, are you? Cause you don’t look it but…”He trailed off, and Eddie grinned.

“I am all-good Steve-O.” Steve nodded, “Good, good.”

Suddenly, there was a sharp gasp from right next to him, “Were you, perhaps, worried?!” Steve kicked a rock instead of answering.

It just made Eddie’s grin widen further.

“You totally were! Stevie Harrington, The-Former-King-Of-Hawkins turned sweetheart, worrying over lil-ol-Eddie-The-Freak-Munson!”

Steve scoffed, “ First off, I’d like to think I’ve always been a sweetheart, second off, keep it in your pants, dude.”

Eddie cackled, leaning into his side, “Yeah, yeah! You’re right. You’ve kinda been like that for the past two years, Mr.Eddie-Cant-Carry-A-Fucking-Hot-Pan-Anymore.” He laughed, ignoring the second part of Steve’s statement.

He huffed, “Just don’t want you getting hurt.”

Eddie booped his nose, “Yeah yeah, you’re just you like that.”

Tag List

@bxlthazar@i-have-three-feelings@leverage-ot3@mightbeasleep@badcaseofcasey@joruni@original-cypher@aceflavouredyougurt@flustratedcas@lovelylilbadone@labels-are-for-the-weak@steddieassheg0es@gregre369

[yournightmary]

Roommate!Ellie HCs

content warning:: fem!reader, modern!AU, mentions of weed, being drunk and creepy men

AN:: Hi! I’m really glad (surprised) you all liked my last one:) I’m taking requests, only smaller things though:( still trying to get a hang of the whole writing thing.

part II here!

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who was so desperate to save some money that she posted a roommate ad online. First 10 people were total creeps, then there were like 5 different guys that thought it was some kind of a sexual offer. But then you reached out.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who at first was really nervous to meet you, a little scared about you actually being a 40 year old white man.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who hid most of her nerdy stuff because she was afraid you would make fun of her or find her weird. Stuffed all of her funko pops into her closet and shoved her posters under her bed :(

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who for the first like 2 months wouldn’t be found dead in the same room as you. And if by some miracle she was, she would be so painfully awkward. She was scared that she’ll make you uncomfortable somehow, but you were just like ??? you thought she was really nice and cute??

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who spent most of her time at Jesse’s babbling about how funny and cool and beautiful you are. She felt a little bad about it, you were just her roommate after all. A roommate she was crushing on like a middle schooler.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who stopped laughing at the ‘and they were roommates’ jokes, instead she would get embarrassed and immediately think about you.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who finally got the balls to befriend you when one time Dina and Jesse paid her an unexpected visit.

“Do you uh-… you wanna hang out with us?” She asked you awkwardly, fiddling nervously with her fingers. Her heart was racing and her hands were so clammy… god what was happening to her?

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who absolutely loves watching dumb tv shows with you. I’m talking Love Island, Kitchen nightmares, Big Brother- all that crap. One time she watched a new episode of your favorite show without you and felt so bad about it… and about faking her reactions while rewatching it with you.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who doesn’t really care about skincare but always watches you do your routine. She just uses a cheap face wash and a plain moisturizer and somehow her skin is clear like glass. Whenever you ask her to let you do her skincare she’ll act like she doesn’t want it, but inside she’s literally giggling and kicking her feet.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who always looks at you walking around the apartment with heart shaped eyes. No matter if you just woke up and your hair is a mess or if you just got back from a party and are stumbling drunkenly into every corner. She thinks you’re effortlessly beautiful, end of story.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who is naturally messy, but not in a bad way? She just has a lot of clutter around, little trinkets and doohickeys she found god knows where.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who breaks at least one mug a week. She’s really clumsy and the fact that you’re all that she can think about doesn’t help.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who felt like a teenager that got caught smoking cigarettes when you found out she smokes weed. She was already high by the time you came back from work and almost got a panik attack. You had to babysit her until she got better.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ roommate!Ellie who loves when you call your small shared apartment ‘home’. It just stirs something deep inside her and puts a grin on her face.

I’ll probably make a part 2 when I get more ideas:3

[poopwons]

**Break My Heart**-Ft. Jean Kirstein 18+ MDNI!!

Synopsis: You and Jean break up, he doesn't know what to do with himself. Maybe you'll call him? (surprise, you will)

Content: (NSFW), F!Reader, Jean’s POV, post break up feelings, angst, cursing, depressed Jean, pet names, handjobs, fingering, praise kink, Jean has a teensy bit of a size kink, collaring (if you squint), unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it, people), cream pie, hair pulling, light alcohol consumption

a/n: I have never written anything this long before, but I got the idea in my head and it would not get out so, here it is. I was literally driving home from work listening to Olivia Rodrigo and Happier came on, so that's what inspired this 🥰 Huge shoutouts to @jeanboyjean and @cowgirlikets for encouraging me through this entire process!💜💜💜 ***also I know absolutely nothing about plumbing, so sorry if all of that is completely inaccurate LOL***

words: 6.9k

Two months, four days.

That’s how long it’s been. That’s the last time Jean saw you in person, talked to you at all. Sure, he’s wanted to reach out, he’s gotten drunk a few times and Connie had to wrench his phone out of his hands when he saw your name on the screen. Jean had yelled at him, tried to push him off, but Connie ended up with the phone, locking it away before helping Jean to bed. All in all Connie was looking out for him more than anyone else. That’s what good roommates are for, right?

Though, Jean is sure that Connie never expected to ever see his friend like this. Hell, Jean never thought he’d be this way; he never even thought of the possibility of the two of you splitting at all. The first week after you told him you didn’t want to keep seeing him, he stayed in bed, blaring awful sad songs, just wallowing in his own self pity. He supposes he still is, even months later.

The days without you have slowed to a crawl. He still thinks about you all the time, it takes all his will power not to scroll through your instagram, wondering if you’re thriving without him, or if you’re just as fucked up as he is. He doesn’t want to know, he’s not that desperate yet. Still, thoughts of you plagued him every moment it seemed like. Who does he make breakfast for now? Making a single serving for himself just seems.. pathetic, pointless, in comparison to making something for you.

The two of you had a great routine, his favorite, he thinks. You’d wake up, curled in his arms, peppering little kisses to his face, trying to wake him up. He’d groan at you before running his hands to your sides to tickle you, calling you a menace for disturbing a man’s sleep. The little giggles he’d pull from you were his favorite sound, he’d never heard anything better. Then he’d get up, make coffee and breakfast for the two of you while you showered. Sometimes he’d say fuck the breakfast and shower with you instead. Hot water cascading down the two of you, the smell of your shampoo in his nose as he kissed the back of your neck while washing your hair. Fuck. He needs to stop. Think about anything else, he curses himself, his brain can’t keep doing this to him, can it?

But, turns out, it can. Who makes your tea the way you like it, muddled with honey and a splash of cream? Who else knows that you only want earl grey when it’s raining because that’s what your mom would give you when you came inside from splashing around in puddles when you were little? That you want chamomile when you’re sick, and coffee most mornings, unless you’re anxious, then you want English breakfast. Who knows the way you order your meals from your favorite restaurants? That you don’t like water chestnuts because “they’re too crunchy without enough flavor”, or that you hate fast food lettuce but will completely devour the caesar salad from the diner downtown because you say the lettuce is always “the perfect amount of crisp and never soggy”? What does he do with all this little information that he’s learned about you, that’s now completely useless to him since you’re not here?

Connie managed to drag Jean out to go have lunch with him and Sasha the next day. It’s the first time he’s been out in weeks for something other than work. He’s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, the most he can manage with how exhausted he’s been. The little chain that you picked out for him draped across his collarbones. He likes that memory. You dragged him into a jewelry store, showing him the necklace, saying something about how you thought it’d look good on him. He was never much of a jewelry person, but for you? He agreed, but only if you’d get a matching bracelet, and you did. You said it was your favorite, you loved it so much, and it went on like that, the two of you, in your matching pieces, wearing them everyday…

“Jean,” Connie breaks him out of his thoughts, he wonders if he could tell that he was thinking about you again.

“What,” his tone is flat, nothing like his usual light hearted one.

“Dude, don’t you think you should take that off?”

Jean looks down at his chain, then back at Connie, a frown plastered on his face.

“No, I don’t want to take it off.”

“Look, man, I know you’re still upset, but.. doesn’t that make it worse?”

Jean can’t stand the look of pity he’s getting, he shrugs and doesn’t reply. Take it off? And then what, get rid of it? No. No, he can’t get rid of it, you got it for him. It would be like throwing you away.. and he’s just not ready to do that, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

Sasha kicks Connie under the table, the two of them had clearly talked about how to handle today and it seems like Connie is going off script. Jean can’t take it anymore, he can’t stand the way his friends are looking at him, he wants to look anywhere else. So, he does what he’s been trying to avoid. He pulls out his phone, opening up your instagram. You haven’t posted in a while, but there is one new picture. Jean’s heart lurches into his throat when he sees it. Who is that? Why is he with you? He’s never seen this guy before and he doesn’t like it, right down to his stupid green eyes, that idiotic man bun, and that shit-eating smile plastered on his face, like he’s mocking Jean without even trying. The picture is innocent enough, a selfie with his arm around you. But why is he touching you? Why are you letting him? Did you really move on this fast? Did you forget about Jean already? Is this the real reason you ended things with him, for this other guy?

He hears a faint grunt from across the table, then Sasha is talking to him, he hardly hears it, the blood is rushing in his ears. Connie snatches his phone from his hand, Jean can’t even find the energy to snap at him. Connie groans when he sees the screen.

“Shit, man… I was hoping you wouldn’t see that.” Connie practically winces when he meets Jean’s eyes, tears welling up in them. His voice breaks when he finally speaks up.

“Who is that with her?” He sounds like the world has been ripped from him.

Sasha speaks up from her side of the table, having seen the post as well. “I don’t know.. maybe they’re just friends. Don’t overthink it, it’ll be okay.”

He sends a pitiful look her way, it most definitely would not be okay. He takes his phone back from Connie, rising from the table, hell bent on getting back home. His brain is going a mile a minute thinking about you and.. whoever that was.

Two months, fifteen days.

He stays in his room all week. Barely leaving, laid up in bed scrolling through your entire instagram. All the pictures of you and him are gone. He can’t believe you got rid of them, did you delete them off your phone entirely? Were all those pictures slowly being replaced by new ones with this guy? He hates the thought of this stranger taking up camera space that should be his. He knows he shouldn’t.. looking through this idiot’s instagram isn’t going to make him feel any better, but he has to know why you chose him instead.

He swipes through this guy’s pictures, he’s even got a stupid name. Who spells their kids' name Eren? There aren’t a ton of posts, but the few that Jean does see has him rolling his eyes, gym selfies and photos of him playing a guitar, his long hair flowing down his shoulders. Great, so he’s ripped and talented. Jean’s not out of shape by any means, but he isn’t as cut as that, especially since he’s been skipping the gym the past couple of months, unable to find the energy to go, and he definitely can’t play any instruments. Maybe he should learn, would that impress you enough to finally reach out to him? No, that would take way too long, he wants to hear from you so much sooner than that. Maybe he can start growing his hair out.. would you like that? You never complained about his hair before but, this whole thing has thrown him for a loop. He’s questioning everything about himself wondering what Eren has that he doesn’t. Maybe Eren’s better in bed? No, that can’t be it. You never once complained about Jean’s performance, all those pretty sounds you made when he touched and kissed and sucked at all the right spots. No, he definitely knew what he was doing in that department. So, that can’t be it, which almost makes it worse. That must mean Jean failed you in some other way as a partner. Was he not attentive enough, not supportive enough? Did he not make enough time for you? Maybe he should have tried to plan more dates. The thoughts go on and on like this until he finally falls into a fitful sleep, what little dreams he has are plagued with you laughing at Eren’s stupid jokes, of you being happier with Eren than you ever were with him.

Jean is sitting up on the sofa in the living room, Connie had begged him to at least come out of his room so he knows the poor guy’s still alive. Jean is scrolling through yours and Eren’s pages, checking yet again for any more posts.

“Dude, seriously? Are you looking at that guy’s page again?” Connie asks, as he sits down on the couch with a bowl of cereal.

Jean gives him a noncommittal grunt, before shoving his phone in Connie’s face. “I mean, what does she even see in him? He’s not that good looking and he has stupid hair. He probably can’t even play that guitar.” 

Connie gives him a sympathetic look, he knows it can’t be easy for Jean to see you with someone else, but it’s been almost three months since you two split. All the same, he’s Jean’s friend, he can’t always tell him what he wants to hear, right? He sets his bowl down with a sigh, bracing himself for what he’s about to say.

“Come on, man. He looks like a decent enough guy. I know this is hard for you, but don’t you want her to be happy?”

“She’s supposed to be happy with me! Me, not this fucker with a guitar, who’s side are you on, anyway?”

“I’m on your side, you know that, but this is nuts, she’s just a chick. You’ve been hung up for almost three months. You need to get back to the shit you used to do. When was the last time you even went to the gym? That used to be so important to you. You should go back, get some endorphins going, that would make you feel better.”

Jean huffs, Connie just doesn’t get it. He gets up off the couch and walks over to the entryway, pushing his shoes on. “She’s not just some chick, dude.” He spits the words out before walking out the door. Maybe a walk would clear his head. He knew in some regards, Connie was right, he hasn’t been taking the best care of himself lately, but his “just a chick” comment has Jean seeing red and he can’t focus on any of the other rational things Connie’s said.

He walks and walks until it gets dark outside, when he finally gets home he scarfs down a protein bar and flops down in bed. Closing his eyes and drifting off relatively quickly, worn out from the walk, maybe he should go back to the gym, he thinks, if a walk has worn him out so much. He doesn’t know how long he sleeps for, but the buzzing from his night table lulls him out of sleep. Bleary eyed and groggy, he picks up the phone staring at the screen. He must be seeing things. Or he’s still asleep and this is a dream. He sits up abruptly, rubbing his eyes, looking at the screen again. Sure enough, it’s your name that’s up on the screen, the phone is still buzzing in his hand as he stares at the caller id. It finally hits him that if he doesn’t answer it’ll go to voicemail and you might not call back. He fumbles to swipe his finger over the answer key, almost dropping his phone in the process.

“Hello?” Jean tries to make his voice sound calm and not rushed, despite the fact that his heart is practically beating out of his chest over something as simple as a phone call, at the prospect of actually hearing your voice for the first time in months.

“Hey, uh, it’s me. Well, duh, you probably know that.” Your voice sounds just as angelic as he remembers and part of him thinks he might cry right on the spot. “um, listen, I didn’t know who else to call, I-I know it’s late.”

“No, no, I’m uh, I’m awake. Wha-what’s up?” He hates how nervous he sounds, but he can’t help it, even his hands are shaking. 

“Can you come over? There’s like, a leak in my apartment, and the office is closed, I just don’t want to lose my deposit. I’m sure they’ll find some way to blame it on me and not their shitty plumbing. I mean.. Obviously, if you’re busy, it’s okay, I can figure something else out.”

So, you’re calling him to come help you, not Eren, interesting. Jean feels over the moon, maybe Eren isn’t all he’s cracked up to be after all. 

“No, I’m not busy, it’s fine. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Just try to soak up all the water you can.” Jean says as he scrambles off his bed, going to the bathroom to check his hair in the mirror, smoothing some parts that got ruffled in his sleep. He looks at his shirt, cursing silently that he’s still wearing this sweaty t-shirt. He puts you on speaker and quickly pulls the fabric off, throwing it in the hamper.

“Thank you so much, you’re really doing me a huge favor.”

He pulls a fresh shirt over his head, the shirt getting caught in his frantic movements causing him to have to talk louder than normal, so you can hear him over the muffle of the fabric, “yeah, it’s no problem, I’ll be there soon.” He’d do you a million favors if it meant he got to see you. You hang up and he slips on his shoes, rushing out the door to get to your place with his tools.

Jean’s heart is hammering out of his chest the whole drive to your place, it feels like his body is vibrating with anxiety. He’s practically white knuckling his steering wheel, his brain just going and going. He finally gets to see you, he’ll get to see you. He hopes you’re wearing his favorite pair of sweats. He always thought you looked so cute in them, so comfy and cozy. Excitement is starting to bubble in, until he thinks, oh, god. What if he’s there? What if Jean has to see you and Eren together in person, in a situation where he can’t just walk away. Oh, fuck, why didn’t he think about this before? He was just so excited to hear your voice, to see you, that he wasn’t thinking. If he has to see this idiot touch you right in front of him he thinks he might punch him. That would not look good on him, you’d probably even get mad at him, that’s the last thing he needs. He pulls up to your apartment before he knows it, punching in the gate code that he still has memorized, begging and praying to whatever good karma he’s drummed up in the universe, that Eren fucking Jaegar is not in your apartment with you.

He knocks on your door, fussing with his hair a little as he bounces on the balls of his feet, unsure what to do with all this nervous energy. When he hears the lock disengage he pulls his hand away from his hair as fast as he can, trying to look as casual as possible, like he hasn’t thought about you every second of every day for the past three months.

“H-hi,” you answer the door, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable with this whole situation yourself, but he doesn’t know if it’s the same kind of nerves he’s having or something else. But fuck, you look so pretty, so so pretty, with your hair draped over your shoulders in loose waves, the way you always wore it before, wearing a crew neck and some shorts. 

“He-” Jean’s voice cracks, it fucking cracks. Seriously? What, is he sixteen again? He clears his throat and starts again, “Hey,” 

You let him in, and he gets enveloped in your smell, he practically sighs as he breathes in the familiar comfortable scent of you and your things. He didn’t know you could miss a person’s smell this much. He looks around expecting to see the place how he remembers, but he’s thrown off when everything looks different. You’ve rearranged all your furniture. Thankfully, though, you’re the only one here, there’s no sign of another guy having been here at all. He lets out a little sigh of relief, following you into the kitchen where sopping towels are littering the floor. 

“I just came home from work and found it like this. I don't know what happened.” you say, waving your arm to the floor.

“Well, let’s just see. I’m sure it’s just a loose rivet or something,” Jean walks past you, trying his best not to let your proximity as he does get to him, fighting the urge to just take you in his arms and not let go. That’s not why he’s here, you didn’t call him for that. He’s thankful that you called him for an actual task, something for him to focus on so he’s not just staring at you, he’s afraid if he stares too long he’ll snap.

You stand in the kitchen with him while he patches everything up, it’s an easy fix, just like he thought. A baby with a wrench could fix this, so again, his mind drifts back to why you called him and not Eren, not that he’s complaining. He thinks it all feels very domestic, you watching him fix up things around the house. He’d fix everything you asked him too if he could hold onto this feeling. He’s surprised when you crouch down next to him, trying to see what he’s doing.

“It was loose, right here, I’m just tightening it up.” He smiles as he looks at you briefly, he can’t help it, you just look so pretty and you’re right next to him, right where you belong. 

You smile back at him and he feels his heart lurch again, turning the wrench a little more, satisfied with his work, he catches your eye, “and that should do it, you should be all set now.” 

He stands up, wiping his hands on his pants before offering you a hand up. When you take his hand he bites back a smile at the feel of your hand in his again after so much time, even if it is a harmless interaction. Standing up with him, you don’t pull your hand away right away, lingering there for just a second too long. Did he imagine that? No, no you definitely lingered. 

You brush a strand of hair behind your ear and smile at him sheepishly. “Thanks again, I really appreciate it.” God, your smile is the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

“It’s not a problem, I don’t mind helping you.” Jean runs a hand through his hair, rubbing at the back of his neck, looking away from you, still nervous. He knows the whole reason he came is taken care of now, and he doesn’t want to leave, but he thinks that’s what you might want. 

“So, I should–”

“Do you want–”

You both speak at once, sharing a nervous chuckle. Jean lets you go first, giving you a look that says so.

“Do you, um.. Want a drink?” You look nervous, awkward. Surely he’s imagining it, he doesn't want to get his hopes up too high. “It’s the least I could do, calling you over here on a Friday night. I’m sure you had better things to do.” You give him another shy smile and he swears he could melt into a puddle right there.

“Uh, sure. Y-yeah, a drink sounds good.” 

“All I have are those hard seltzers I usually get, that okay?” you ask like you expect him to remember, and he does. He wants you to know how much he remembers about you; everything, he remembers everything. 

So, just drinks for yourself? No beer, no liquor, nothing he thinks a guy like Eren might drink. Interesting. So far, everything he’s observed has led him to the conclusion that maybe you and Eren aren’t together. Maybe Sasha was right, and the two of you are just friends?

“That’s fine,” He bends down, putting his wrench away, placing his tool bag on your counter. Turning back to look at you, the slim can in your hand as you hold it out to him. He takes it, following you over to the couch where you both take a seat next to each other. 

His body feels like it’s vibrating, sitting this close to you. You didn’t have to sit this close, but you did. He pops the tab, taking a drink to calm his nerves, and you do the same. 

“So, how have you been? It’s been a while.” You speak so softly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear again, a nervous habit. Are you feeling the same tension he is? Is he making it all up because he missed you so much?

“Uh, good, good.” He lies, what is he supposed to say? That he’s been completely miserable without you? No, if he’s wrong and you have moved on, he has to at least pretend he’s been doing alright. “Work is, well, work, you know. Haven’t been doing much else. What about you?”

“Y-yeah, no, things are, um, they’re okay. I finally got promoted at work.” you smile at him again, before taking another sip. “I’m officially management.”

Pride swells in his chest, he knows how badly you wanted to move up in your job, how much you craved more responsibility. He’s glad your place of work is finally acknowledging your potential.

“Hey, that’s great. I’m really happy for you,” and he is, genuinely. “Is it everything you wanted it to be?”

You give a little snort, “I mean, I guess. Workplace drama is a lot more stressful when you’re actually the one in charge of trying to defuse it, instead of just listening to all the gossip.” 

“Well, I’m sure you’re handling it fine, you were always good at that kind of stuff.” 

You huff a little laugh again, thanking him before pulling the sleeves of your crew neck up while adjusting your position on the couch. That’s when he sees it, that little glimmer of silver on your wrist. His heart pounds harder as he sees it. You’re still wearing your bracelet. You still have it. 

“You’re still wearing that,” Jean points out, his voice coming out little more than a whisper, like he just can’t believe it, his eyes locked on the bracelet.

A blush blooms across your cheeks and Jean is positive it’s not just the alcohol. Fuck not getting his hopes up, you wouldn’t still be wearing something he got you if you didn’t miss him a little bit. 

“Oh, yeah..” you fiddle with the bracelet with your free hand, “I um.. I feel a little naked without it, you know?” you cheeks are still flushed as you look up at him. 

Jean just smiles at you, “yeah, I know what you mean.” he says as he pulls the chain out from under his shirt. “I got so used to wearing it everyday, it just doesn’t feel right with it off.” It’s not even a lie, just, not a full truth. His nerves are slowly fading away, getting replaced with renewed hope.

“Well, it does still look good on you,” you reach your hand up to run your fingers along the chain, Jean feels a jolt of electricity in your touch that practically lights his skin on fire, and that’s when he really knows. There’s no way you’d be touching him like this if you didn’t miss him, if you were seeing someone else. He’s never felt so much relief in his life. “Suits you, for sure.” 

He takes his hand placing it over yours, goosebumps prickling his skin where your fingers dance along the chain. “You..um, you have good taste,” he says, his breath turning a little shallow, he knows he’s not imagining all the tension that’s been slowly building up since he got here. “I never would have picked anything like this for myself.”

Your hand is so small in his, he’s always been bigger than you, taller, more muscular. He didn't realize how much he missed it until now, he was so caught up with missing all the other parts of you that this bit seemed to have slipped his mind. You’re looking at him with your pretty doe eyes, letting him hold your hand, he can practically see the hearts in your eyes, looking at him like you used to. Fuck it, he’s going for it. Drinks completely forgotten on the coffee table as he scoots a little closer to you, just enough so that your knees are touching.

“I’ve really missed you.” He whispers, leaning in just a little closer, he hears your breath hitch in your throat, your eyes flitting to his lips. 

He smiles as you lean in too. You want it just as much as he does. “Me too..”

When he finally presses his lips to yours he almost explodes with happiness, he’s feeling giddy, all these pent up feelings pouring out into your lips. He cups the back of your neck as he deepens the kiss, swiping his tongue over your bottom lip, a silent request for permission. He sighs as you grant it, opening your mouth for him so he can glide his tongue along yours, and you moan into his mouth. You fucking moan. He loses any semblance of control he had. His hands move, roaming over your back and the two of you lose yourselves in the moment. Without really thinking about it he pulls you onto his lap, moving his mouth to press hot kisses to your neck, nipping the sensitive skin. It always was one of your favorite spots. His hands run under your sweatshirt, caressing your back, savoring the feel of your soft skin under his palms.

“Missed you so fucking much.” Jean breathes out between kisses, groaning as you grind your hips onto his lap when he kisses your neck again.

“Missed you too. Thought…Thought about you all the time…” Your words are broken up by little gasps. Jean thinks he could die happy, just like this, but then your hands go to the hem of his shirt, pulling it off, running your hands over the contours of his chest and he feels like he’s going to burn out of his skin.

His hands follow suit with yours, pulling your sweatshirt off, discarding it on the floor next to his, drinking in the sight of you, sighing when he sees your bare chest. Running his hands over your tits, kissing his way down your neck and your collarbone before taking one of your nipples into his mouth and starts kissing and sucking, pinching at the other one with his free hand. You arch your back into his touch and he moves his hands back around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He just needs you closer, so much closer.

You just grind against him, he can feel the heat coming off of you, listening to your breath get more and more ragged as you wrap your arms around his neck in order to get closer, pulling his head up. 

“I’m sorry. Jean, I’m so sorry.. I never should have–” your voice sounds broken, despite the desire and need coursing through the both of you. It breaks his heart to hear you sounding so sad. You don’t even have to explain what you’re apologizing for, he already knows. 

Jean cuts you off with a kiss, running his fingers through your hair, shushing you softly. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He soothes, pressing soft kisses between his words. “Later. We’ll talk about it later, yeah?” He pulls back, pressing his forehead to yours, looking in your eyes with all the love he has for you. 

You give him a feeble little nod, kissing him passionately. Your tongues glide together as you taste each other, making up for lost time, and god, does he want to make up for it. With that in mind, his hands move to the plush of your ass, squeezing as you keep your lips on him. As much as he doesn’t want to push you away from him, he needs to touch you. He runs his hands over your bare thighs before hooking his fingers into the waistband of your shorts, pushing you back just enough so he can get the leverage he needs. Tugging them off, you lift your hips to help him. He looks down and sees you clad in lace, one of his favorite pairs. A brief look of surprise as his brain sorts through it. You… you planned for this, at least to some degree. All doubts completely leave his head as a satisfied grin curls on his lips. 

“You wear these just for me, baby?” He murmurs into your ear as he nips at your earlobe, fingers already dancing along the sides of your panties. 

You give him another nod and a breathy little sound that he assumes, if you were able to form the words, would be a confirmation. He pushes the material aside, running a finger through your folds. Shit, you're so fucking wet for him. He’s going to lose his mind. His finger swirls around your clit, eliciting moans and gasps from you. You’re already starting to squirm for him and he doesn’t let up, still swirling little circles with the pad of his finger. 

“J-Jean,” you moan out his name and cling to him, holding his head tightly to your chest. 

“‘M right here, baby, I got you. You gonna be a good girl and cum for me?” 

“Y-yes, yes, yes, fuck!” He feels your legs shaking on him, still moving his hand. God, he missed seeing you like this. 

“That’s it, that’s my girl. That’s my good fuckin’ girl, did so well for me. ” He purrs into your skin, pressing kisses to your neck, giving you a second to catch your breath.

Turns out you don’t even want a breather, your hands moving desperately to his lap, frantically trying to undo his buttons, slipping your hand in and wrapping around his cock. 

“Fuck,” Jean groans under his breath, lifting his hips with you still on his lap, so he can shove his pants down enough for you pull him all the way out.

Your hand pumps him, smearing the precum over his flushed tip, causing him to suck in a sharp breath. You keep working him, your hands are always so soft, twisting your wrist a bit on the way up, squeezing the tip just a little. He loves the way he looks in your hands, your smaller ones making him look even bigger. His eyes catch a little glimmer, and he groans again when he sees you jerking him with your bracelet bouncing on your wrist with your movements. All he can think about is that you’re his, you're his, you're his. That one little accessory tells the whole world. Maybe he’ll replace it with a ring. He leans forward, burying his face in the crook of your neck, taking a shaky breath.

“Shit, you’re makin’ me feel so good, but I don’t… fuck, I don’t want to cum like this.” He pulls back to look in your eyes, seeing nothing but how good you want to make him feel and he doesn’t know what he did to deserve you. 

He pulls your panties to the side again, lifting you up, lining himself up with your entrance and pulls you down onto him. Jean thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. He has never felt anything better than you wrapped around him like this. You both let out audible moans, as you adjust to him. Without any warning, you start bouncing on him. His eyes roll back as he drops his head to the back of the couch. Your bounces are slow, deliberate, he’s sure he’s in heaven.

“You feel so good. Love how full you make me feel.” You murmur, breathy, into his ear, bracing yourself on his shoulders. 

As much as he’d love to just sit here and bask in you riding him, he’s going to cum way too soon if he lets you keep going like this, especially if you keep using that mouth of yours to whisper everything he’s been wanting to hear for the past three months in his ear. He moves his hands back to your ass, grabbing handfuls of you, doing the work for you for another second or two before he wraps his arm around your waist he starts fucking up into you. 

“Missed my pussy so much, baby. She’s mine, yeah? That’s what this means doesn’t it?” He growls, taking your wrist, adorned with your bracelet, showing it to you. “That’s why you never took it off? Been mine this whole time haven’t you?”

Your walls squeeze him, as you hear his words, and he groans again. “All yours, Jean.. al-always yours.”

In all his desperation to get close to you, to get inside of you, he didn’t think your panties would cause a problem, but at this point they’re in his way, they won’t stay to one side. He moves his hand, gripping the flimsy garment, and pulls hard, tearing them.

“Jean!” You protest, looking down at where the two of you are connected.

“I’ll buy you new ones,” He mutters before he picks up his pace, finally able to fuck you the way he wants, slamming his hips up into you. 

You don’t seem to care so much anymore, as your eyes roll back, and you let out a cry. Your arms are wrapped around his neck, moving to bury your face in his neck. And for Jean, right now, that just won’t do, he wants to see you, wants to see your face contorted in pleasure. He brings his hand to the back of your neck, tugging your hair so you’re looking at him. 

“Look at me, baby, wanna see you.” Shit, he already feels close. Not having you for all these months, and finally getting you, getting to see in your face how good he’s making you feel and how much you missed him too. He didn’t think he was going to last long anyway. He brings his lips to yours, kissing you hungrily, all tongues and teeth. 

“Ba-baby, ‘m close,” you whine, eyes glazed over, face scrunched up just the way he likes. 

“Me too, cum with me, yeah?” His hand snakes between you, finding your clit, rubbing circles on it with his thumb.

He feels you clenching around him, cunt pulsing and god he missed this feeling, missed feeling you come apart just for him. You say his name again and again like a prayer and he just can’t hold back anymore. 

“Fuck, baby, I’m shit–” He tries to warn you so you can get off of him, but you just stay put, slamming down on him again and again. He cums hard, painting your insides white. 

Still holding onto you tightly, one hand on your neck and the other around your waist, you both just stay locked in an embrace, panting. Each of your heads are resting on the others shoulders, Jean presses little kisses there while he catches his breath. 

“God, I really did miss you so much.” He whispers into your skin. “And not just this, all of it. I missed all of you.”

“I know, I missed you too. I wanted to call you or text you, or anything. I just…didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.” Your fingers toy with the hair at the nape of his neck and he just savors the moment. 

Neither one of you moves, you just sit there holding each other. You haven’t even gotten off of him yet, his cock going soft inside you, feeling his cum leak out onto his lap, but he couldn’t care less. He just runs his fingertips up and down your back tenderly. 

“You really scared me, you know that?” Jean says when he finally feels like breaking the silence.

You lift your head, giving him a puzzled look. “What do you mean? How did I scare you?”

Jean sighs, it sounds stupid now, in hindsight, thinking that you had moved on. “I thought you were dating that Eren guy. You posted a picture with him and I kind of freaked out.”

It seems like it takes a second for his words to register, because you’re quiet for a moment before you burst into a full fit of laughter. Jean just gives you a pointed look. He doesn’t see what’s so funny about that. You’re laughing so hard you practically roll off of him, landing on your side on the couch, your legs still draped over him. He follows suit, cuddling you when he gets onto his side. 

“What’s so funny?”

You finally stop laughing long enough to answer him. “Eren? EW.” you manage to get out before you start giggling again. “He’s like a brother to me, we grew up together. I haven’t seen him before that post since he left for school. You really thought I was dating Eren??” 

Jean’s cheeks flush, a little pout forming on his face. “What was I supposed to think? He was way too close to you in that picture.”

Your laughter subsides, and you brush some hair out of his face, giving him a soft smile. “He just took me out for the day because I was so sad about you. I felt like I’d made a big mistake, and he just wanted to get my mind off of it for a little while. Besides, even if he wasn’t like a brother, he’s been in love with the same girl from middle school since he was like, twelve years old.”

You look like you have more to say but you’re hesitating. Clearly feeling a little nervous, he just nudges you gently, wanting you to continue.

You take a deep breath before going on, “I am sorry.. I shouldn’t have broken up with you, and for such a stupid reason.”

“What was the reason, exactly?” He asks, he never actually got the full story.

“I just… I liked you too much, things were going too well. I guess I kind of panicked, wondering when the other shoe was going to drop.”

Jean just stares at you, of all the reasons he thought it was, he didn’t think it was this.

“So… you broke up with me, because things were going too well?”

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that!” You bury your face into his chest, hiding your blush. “I said I was sorry.”

“What if there’s no other shoe? What if we’re just good together? Did you think about that?” He asks, no malice or hurt in his voice, just genuine curiosity. He presses a little kiss to the top of your head, trying to soothe you.

“There’s always another shoe.” You mutter, not bothering to lift your head up.

Jean sighs, taking your chin in his hand, pulling you up so that you’re eye to eye with him. “Baby, I promise, I will do everything in my power to ensure that there is no other shoe, okay? You have a problem, just talk to me. Let me be there for you, let me try and make things better. I’m not saying everything will be perfect all the time, but just know I’ll try my damndest for you.” He presses a kiss to your lips, sealing his promise. 

“Yeah.. okay,” you finally give him another smile, and he kisses you again, unable to resist. “So, can I be your girlfriend again?”

“As long as you promise not to break up with me for such a stupid reason ever again.” He smiles at you again, pressing another kiss to your forehead before pulling you back into his chest.

“Promise,” you mumble as you nuzzle into him.

Jean’s happier than he’s been in months, with you in his arms, right back where you belong.

Thank you so much for reading! Likes and Reblogs are always appreciated!💖

[juniperhillpatient]

I have talked about this a lot before but it’s on my mind & also it’s something that really should be discussed more in Buffy fandom -

People are constantly talking about how Spike defies all the rules Buffy was taught about demons & vampires & rightfully so. A vampire falling in love with a slayer & fighting for his soul for her is such a romantic notion & I do love it but the nuance of Spike’s arc is even more interesting than that! He does love Buffy but not only that he befriends the Scoobies too. He brings flowers for Joyce after she dies. He helps prove that Tara is not a demon when her family tries to gaslight her & isolate her. He becomes a pseudo big brother to Dawn.

And yet none of that is even what I’m here to talk about! Spike IS a hero & he does have a long spanning redemption arc before the soul (& we’re NOT here to talk about Seeing Red right now, as usual that topic is too expansive & requires its own post) that should be acknowledged & his character is rightfully praised but he is NOT the only exception to vampires having nuance & it drives me crazy that we act like he is. The Judge isn’t just talking to Spike when he says this:

“You TWO.” He’s talking about Drusilla too! He says that they share affection & jealousy. That Angelus in his total sociopathic lack of human emotion is the odd one here.

Then you have things like this -

Conversations with Dead People has Buffy sharing a very long & deep conversation with an old acquaintance turned vampire. And it’s far from the only example in universe of a vampire retaining some sense of camaraderie with people from their life!

That’s right this entire rant has been a lead up to talk about my best girly Harmony Kendall. You’ve fallen for my ruse if you’ve read this far muahaha! Admittedly Harmony’s strongest moments are mostly unfortunately on Angel but even in season four of Buffy when she dates Spike she is clearly intended at times to be sympathetic. Season 4 is also interesting because we see a lot interactions between various gangs of vampires like Harmony’s so-called minions & even Sundays gang where they’re very much evil but also sharing in living (existing?) space & acting like bickering roommates or siblings. Like creatures with bonds & personalities & intricacies.

The point I’m trying to make is that the show never truly wants to grapple with the existence of Spike in all his nuance but it’s also not just about him! In general there is so much to grapple with in the idea that vampires can change & be redeemed & I’m not saying I’m anti scary evil vampires I’m just saying the universe gave us these hints of nuance & then the characters never grappled with it & that’s lame. For Buffy killing things that have a shot at redemption however small would be a major emotional blow if she ever addressed it! Especially in her season 5 “am I just a killer 🥺” arc. Let’s deal with the implications!

Let’s deal with Xander’s trauma about killing Jessie & just how much it would/should hurt for him to see Spike increasingly choose good & work with the Scoobies. I would LOVE to know Xander’s reaction to Harmony’s arc on Angel or Cordelia befriending her & letting her go ina world where the writing acknowledges that he drove a stake through his best friends heart!

It’s just that the writers accidentally complicated their own lore & then totally refused to ever let their characters address what the cracks in the stories they tell themselves mean. Giles says that a vampire is no longer the person but instead the thing that killed them. What’s scarier: the idea that your loved one was killed & something wears their face like a mask OR much more insane (to me) the idea that your loved one came back very wrong but it’s still them? Your brother eats people now but he still remembers how you like your eggs & can quote every episode of the cartoon you watched as kids. Your mom murdered that woman from the PTA who always talked too much in cold blood but she still remembers the recipe for your favorite pancakes. The show wanted scary vampires but it got so caught up in never addressing the infinitely more complex & scarier vampires it accidentally created & sticking to the more simplistic initial idea that it did both the characters & lore very dirty. And I’ll never shut up about it!!!

[brain-n-body-in-disarray]

What the h*ll is "basic hygiene" anyway?

If you're like me, you've been struggling with hygiene for a long time. I'm neurodivergent, I have chronic fatigue and chronic pain, so yeah, it's been hard, my whole life.

Here's a few tips that helped me or some of my friends.

1. Redefine "basic hygiene"

No, really. Redefine it. Neurotypical and able-bodied people will tell you all can of things about what is "basic" hygiene.

The rule is: do what you can. That's it. The rest of the post will be tips to increase what you can do. But in the meantime, just do your best. You're fantastic the way you are.

2. Time

There's two thing here.

The first is: find the right time for you. It's not always easy, because we often have obligations, and we're supposed to be clean at those right moments. It's not easy. Sometimes it "helps" because it gives us that "boost" we needed to start getting clean, but most of the time it's just stressful. So instead find the moment that works best for you. I know there's moments in the day when it'll be easier for me to start tasks that I would struggle with at an other time, but I prioritise other things instead for a reason or another. Try washing yourself then, even if people will tell you it's strange to have a shower at three pm. Who cares.

The second is: divide to conquer. You don't have to wash ALL the parts of your body at once. You don't necessarily have the energy for it and it's okay. Also it can feel daunting to face that long list of steps. A body has a LOT of parts to wash and clean. Really, that's scary and exhausting. So the solution might be to do smaller things here and there. Do what you can when you can, that's okay. At least you've done something, that's great!

You are also allowed to take breaks in the middle. It can help if you are tired, or if it makes you anxious.

3. Wipes.

I personally hate washing with soap and water, whether it's a bath, shower or just at the sink. It takes time, it's a lot of steps, and it feels horrible. I do it when I can, but I don't enjoy it. The partial solution is wipes.

Baby wipes are great, they're soft, some smell good but faint, some has no odor. You can clean yourself quickly without rinsing. And they don't let that terrible feeling on your skin.

There's wipes made for your private parts. Which is an important part to clean. Also wet toilet paper is good. (For private parts wipes, buy the organic ones, you don't want anything too harsh there)

Make-up removal wipes are not just to remove make-up. They do clean you face.

Don't use antibacterial wipes though. At least not regularly. They are too harsh for your skin, you'll just damage it. Also too much antibacterial stuffs just make bacterias more resistant.

Bonus point: wipes can easily be carried in a bag. Handy.

4. Charts and lists and apps.

Whether you forget to do it or it you have done it already, or you can't get motivated, or you can't manage to start washing, or there's so many steps you get overwhelmed, or you start but can't remember what to do next, etc., those tips might help.

There's apps like Habitica (it's the most well known but there's others) that help you building habits and remembering to do stuffs and making it fun (help with rewards). It's about general tasks but can be applied to washing. A friend also told me there's a pokemon app to brush your teeth but I haven't tried it.

If you get overwhelmed by the steps and get lost in the middle, making a list of those steps, laminating and putting it in the bathroom near the sink or in the shower can help you keeping tracks. You can even put a dry erase marker near the list to check what have already be done.

5. The "bath buddy"

If you live with someone, you can ask their help.

I'm not saying they have to wash you. Or maybe I am? A friend takes his showers with his boyfriend to help getting motivated.

It can just be your platonic roommate behind the door talking to you, telling you funny stories.

Having company can help start the task and make it more enjoyable which help in itself but also make it less daunting the next times. Having a bath buddy also helps if you get lost in the middle of a task, they can tell you what the next step is. They can also keep you on tracks and in the present (I know I tend to dissociate a lot in the bathroom). And they keep your mind off the bad stuffs (body dysphoria for example, or sensory discomfort)

6. You're never too old for "kids' stuffs"

Because you're never to old for fun stuffs.

No, really, there's no reason why you should deprive yourself of something that would make washing more fun.

Wash your teeth with bubblegum flavored toothpaste.

Play with bathtoys. Buy those little plastic boats and those little squirting animals. (Seriously, the fact that the only fun thing for bath for adult is bubbles is a crime)

The word here is "fun". Make the bathroom fun. Buy a shower curtain with cute elephants playing with water. Put adhesive ducks on the tiles. Make that darn room a place you want to be in, not just to distract you from the bad stuff but to enjoy your life.

7. Teeth. Oh no, the teeth.

First thing: as I said, you don't have to use that "adult toothpaste". The menthol contained in it can be sensory hell. You can use kid toothpaste, it cleans just as well. If you can't use any toothpaste try brushing without it with just water. You can also try toothpaste tablets (you chew on them and then brush). You can try mouthwash. You can try oil-pulling. The point here is to remove some bacteria from your mouth.

About brushing. There's different hardness in toothbrushes. If you're using hard, try medium. If you're using medium, try soft. If you're using soft, try baby toothbrush. If no toothbrush works for you, try a wet cloth, or your finger. Try using toothpicks to remove the remains of food and then use mouthwash.

If the storebought mouthwash doesn't do with you, make it yourself. There's recipes online with essential oils (optional, but maybe there's one you might like), baking soda and water. (I don't recommend using lemon juice, it might damage your enamel.)

My friend just told me I should mention dental floss. I personally hate it, but it might be useful to some of you. It's probably more effective than toothpicks. They also comes mounted on these little plastic sticks if you struggle with the thread alone.

8. Chair

No, really, you have the right to sit down during washing. Buy a shower chair. Put a bench on your bathtub instead of struggling to stand up. Put a chair in front of the sink to sit when you brush your teeth.

You don't have to be physically disabled to use a chair to wash. And if you're disabled there's still no shame. Standing up can be boring, it can be painful, it can be tiring. So sit. You are allowed.

And if you prefer standing, do. You can pace. You can dance. You can do gymnastics. (Just be careful if you're brushing your teeth, okay. Or if you're in the shower. Don't hurt yourself.)

9. Music

If you don't have a buddy to talk to you, music or even podcasts, anything to listen to, can be a nice way to help. They makes the experience more enjoyable. They keeps your head away from the bad sensory experience or the awareness of your own body.

I also find using the same playlist useful to keep track of the time I've been spending in the shower. I even time the steps on the tracklist, I know I washed that part of my body for long enough if that song is over, I need to do the next step.

Also, for me me music is part of the ritual. It helps me to get in the right mind, it motivates me, it makes the routine.

10. Multi-purpose products.

I've seen all those beauty posts about "layering". It's nice if you have the energy and the time, but no, it's not for me.

I hate moisturising creams. I really do. They smells funny, they feels gross and sticky, and it takes forever to apply. It's an unnecessary step for me. But I have dry skin (at least on my body). The easy solution is to use surgras soap or surgras shower gel. (Not just the "moisturising" soap, that won't hydrate as well.)

I don't just remove the unpleasant experience of moisturiser, I remove a step. I save energy.

Also, multi-purpose products help with organisation, there's less things to think about. There's less risk of taking the wrong bottle because you're too headfogged. Less chance of chaos in the bathroom.

I personally can't do that for everything. I'd like to have one soap for everything, but my body skin and my face skin and my private parts and my hair all need different stuffs. But I do try to keep things to a minimum, because the number of products can be quickly overwhelming. So try to balance your sensory needs with your organisation problem.

(Also, if like me you hate the feeling of moisturiser, aloe vera gel is great. It is a bit sticky, but in a different way than cream. I personally prefer that one. There's also the option of oil, there's different kinds for different skin types, even for oily skin.)

11. Japaneses know best: the bidet.

This one might sounds strange for some folx. Where I live, bidets used to be extremely common but they are disappearing. We used to have a bidet next to the toilets in our homes. Japanese toilets have a built-in bidet but they are expensive. There is a cheaper (but still not cheap) alternative. You can buy a bidet toilet seat attachment to put on your own toilets.

Why am I telling you about bidet? Because when you struggle to wash regularly, bidets are incredibly useful.

Toilet paper is highly unhygienic. Wet toilet paper is a bit better. Bidets, that spray a jet of water on your privates, clean so much better.

And they are easy and quick to use. You just press a button and you are clean.

If you have a vagina, it's even more important, because it lowers significantly the risks of getting UTI and the likes.

If you can afford it, I recommend it.

12. The hat, or "well, f*ck it"

You can fail to wash in time for whatever obligation you have. That's okay.

Just use the card "camouflage".

Greasy hair? If they are long, brush them and tie them tightly, and put on a fashionable hat. Or you favorite, silly, hat. Or just a random hat that your aunt gave you (you know the one, you wondered for three weeks if you smiled enough when you received the gift because you didn't want to offend her). Scarfs are nice too.

Other idea to hide greasy hair? A wig. They are higher maintenance, but they are good to have for occasions where you have to look a bit better or if you can't wear a hat for whatever reason.

About odors... Well you know the trick of deodorants and perfume. Not what I recommend, at least not alone. For once not everyone can stand their smell. Also, they aren't that great to succeed at masking odors. If you can, use wipes to clean your armpits (also the underbreasts if you have them) and the neck and chest area. It might not remove all the odors but it'll help and with some deodorant if you can stand it, you should be good.

About deodorant: you can use a dollop of moisturiser (yes, I know I said I hate them, but listen), it will help to stop the formation of odors but the fragrance is usually mild or absent. It's also less harsh than the usual deodorant. You only need a small amount for it to work. You just need to clean before (wipes should be enough)

13. Don't stew in your dirty clothes.

Try to change your clothes often even if you don't wash. Especially your underwears.

I know it might sound counterintuitive to wear clean clothes when your skin is dirty, but staying in old clothes is like wearing a petri dish. By keeping the same clothes on you, you also keep the bacterias that live on it and your body.

It's especially bad in some areas, like your private parts, your feet and your armpits.

If you live alone, or if you live with someone who don't care, don't put clothes on at all. You'll just stew in your bacterial crock pot otherwise.

Staying naked also has the upside of reducing the amount of laundry you have to do.

14. Use your strengths.

Sometimes it's as simple as using your other hand because your dominant one is achy.

Sometimes it's listening to a podcast about your special interest.

You're an artist? Put a whiteboard in the shower. Or, I don't know, draw your body, laminate the drawing, and color the parts you have already washed with a dry erase marker.

Your thing is to make lists of animals of Paraguay? Recite them alphabetically and make a song with them while you brush your teeth and wash your face and clip you nails.

Dancers here? Each movement you make is part of a choreography.

15. Aftercare.

Hygiene is immensely stressful and energy consuming. You don't just deserve a reward, you need aftercare.

It's okay to take a nap. It's okay to need to engage with your special interest. It's okay to need a hug. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to feel bad too. Have a cry. Be moody. Don't be ashamed of what you feel. Of course it's better if you manage to avoid these emotions. But it's okay if you have them.

And give yourself a little treat. Have a cup of your favorite tea. Put a shiny sticker in your "things I've done good today" diary. Cuddle with your pet. Read the Swedish dictionary.

Drink a glass of water and eat something.

Also, if you have chronic pain, like I do, take your meds. (My joints are always a bit achy after standing too long, or my shoulder are stiff after washing my hair)

Write an essay about why keeping up with your hygiene is a pain.

Do what you want and do what you need.

16. Shame has no place in the bathroom.

If you've read my previous post, you know what I mean.

I've said it in this post, it's okay to struggle, to not be perfect, or as perfect as neurotypicals and able-bodied people say we should be. Their criterias are bullcrap.

Shame won't help you to keep up to these unachievable standards. They'll just undermine you.

Also, it's okay if some of what I've said here seems unachievable also. I shared what helps me and some of my friends, but your needs might be different and that's totally okay. Maybe someone will make a post with tips that'll help more? I hope so.

Anyway, you do what you can and you congratulate yourself for it. Every step is an achievement worth of praise.

[elvisabutler]

eros

summary: he was a frat boy. you were not a sorority girl. could i make it any more obvious. or how you fall for a frat boy and you two finally actually get it on but not necessarily in the way both of you intended. fandom: austin butler rating: m pairing: austin butler x female reader word count: 1716 warnings: talking shit on fraternities and sororities. mild insecurity. talk of disastrous dates. coming untouched. coming in pants. handjobs. implied p in v sex. a touch ( okay maybe a bit more than a touch ) of sub austin. impatient horny college people. author’s note: so as @blurredcolour can attest to i meant for this to be a touching little piece about how these two had sex for the first time and he sort of defied her expectations and all this nice romantic stuff. it's why i called this piece eros. yeah, then i started writing it and well, it's still romantic and sweet? but i also had the three people who saw bits before i posted forget how to breathe so oopsies. as always comments and reblogs and hearing your thoughts are my lifeblood so feel free to scream at me in dms or asks or in the comments. i'll eat it up and write like a woman possessed i swear. beyond that, if you want to be on my taglist fill out the form here. i might just make a tumblr post for it too but we'll see.

If anyone were to have told you half a year ago that you'd be head over heels with a boy who's in a fraternity, you'd have laughed. You'd have told them that they really should brush up on their comedy skills because there was no way you would do that. Not after every aggravation you had with them. Not after every class where one of them popped up with some stupid remark that had you wanting to deck them in the face and not after knowing that just because they had gotten into some exclusive club they got a leg up on other people. Maybe it's true that's how the world worked but it didn't mean you'd have to like it. Then you properly met Austin. You got to know this stupid premed who minors in theater of all things and cares so deeply for his friends and for other people that it threatens to choke you sometimes when you think about it.

He's not perfect and he makes stupid jokes that you swat him on the arm for and spreads himself just a little too thin but he's yours and heaven help you, you're his. It's too early to be thinking about forever, you think, but the idea doesn't terrify you as much as it should. The idea of being with him as he goes through med school and as you complete your own schooling and go into the workforce is almost comforting. The idea of seeing him with a child that's a small mix of the two of you doesn't immediately make you run for the hills. The idea of him in your life, in your bed and in your apartment feels like an inevitability that comforts you more than anything else.

Of course, all of this—you like to think— might depend on whether or not Austin feels the same way. It depends on whether or not maybe tonight you can convince him that you'd honestly like to have sex with him. The circumstances are right, your roommate won't be home tonight at all and the house is fine and in capable hands. The two of you even have a date where for once Austin plans on cleaning up for something other than a frat function or a school related function. There's no reason he shouldn't want to unless he doesn't actually want you that way.

In hindsight, you don't know why you were ever concerned as you find yourself up against your bedroom door, head tapping it lightly as Austin's hands move up your sides while his lips attack your neck.

"Austin-" you whine, as one of his hands moves to your chest, trying to free your breasts from your dress and instead just managing to squeeze them. "You— The dress, we gotta undo the dress."

Your words are clearer and said with more clarity that you thought was possible given Austin's wandering hands. Someone— one of the two of you has to keep a clear head— if only so that you can both enjoy this. So that Austin doesn't try and rip your dress or your panties or god forbid your bra to get at your body in his impatience.

Austin forces his face away from your neck and groans a little at how there's already a bruise forming from his lips, how your skin is just that little bit darker where his lips had sucked and where his teeth had nipped. You were his girlfriend and you loved him. You loved every single part of him— the part that had to work so hard in classes and at work, the part that missed his mom in the middle of the night and would call you tearing up, the part that cared about his people so deeply that he'd murder for him— they were all what made him the person you wanted to be with and that was a heady thing to know. It set a fire ablaze inside of him that threatened to overtake him and bring you with him. You were his girlfriend and here you were in a gorgeous dress still with him after what was hands down the most disastrous date he's ever had with another person. The reservation was at the wrong time, the restaurant ran out of half the food to make their dishes and there was not one but two couples breaking up next to you. Not to mention the way the uber had broken down mid trip and how the wine had spilled on his jacket ruining it until he could manage to get it dry cleaned.

Yet you were still here and in his arms and willing and wanting to have sex with him. No— you were willing to make love to him the same way he wanted to make love to you. He wants to take his time laying you out across your bed, watching your face as he enters you and watching how your face contorts when he plays with your clit while he's inside of you. He wants to see your face in ecstasy and hear your mewls of pleasure in his ear. Your nails would mark him up, drag lines down his back from how overwhelmed you are and he could see just what he does to you.

"I love you," he whispers with a reverence you weren't prepared to hear in contrast to his hands trailing fire across your skin. "I know we say it all the time but— I— I'm so thankful you gave me that shot, babe. So thankful you let me clean your car. You could have told me no—" His words are cut off with a low groan as he feels your hand undoing his belt and sticking your hand in his pants with a speed that startles him. "Babe I'm—"

"You're being—ah— very romantic, Aus. I love it— but I'm ruining my underwear and I want to see you come right now." The words that come out of your mouth have both you and Austin pausing for just a moment because while you can be startlingly blunt that particular combination of words is a bit much for even you.

"O-Okay," he manages to stutter out in response, the blues of his eyes completely overwhelmed by his pupil. "In my pants?"

Your chest heaves at the idea, at the implication that Austin would let you bring him off like this and come in his pants. It's a rush of power you aren't expecting and that you figure no one would expect. You bite at your lip, watching as Austin's eyes are glued to them before you finally answer. "Would you?"

It's Austin's turn to have his head tilt back, exposing the long length of his neck to you as you move to nip and kiss at it. You pray that he bruises there, that there's a hickey or two for everyone to see he's yours. Against your lips you feel the rumble of his voice, rough as a gravel road. "For you? Yeah. Do anything for you."

A smirk crosses your lips as you finally pull away from his neck, noting the red bit of his skin and giggling softly. Your hand twists and your thumb brushes against the tip of his cock as you just look at Austin, marveling at how he keeps ahold of you, keeps you pinned to the door even as his breathing shifts and as he bites his lips to keep quiet. "Austin," you croon, "wanna hear it. Want everyone to know I got the hottest frat boy in my apartment. That he's gonna come undone because I'm jerking him off. Want everyone to know you're all mine. That you're so—"

Austin's lips slam against yours, causing a messy kiss of clattering teeth and bitten lips in order to get you to stop talking. Even with the distraction your hand picks up the pace, moving in a way you're pretty sure Austin enjoys as he whines and whimpers into your kiss. You could die happy hearing these noises. You want to hear these noises every second you can if he'll let you. He pulls away, trying to put some distance between you two because he meant to come during sex on your bed and not like this. Not like a horny little teenager. You deserved more.

"Babe— gotta— I'm gonna—" He can't finish off the thoughts though and your hand keeps moving as you clench your thighs together the best you can.

"Austin, baby please. Do it for me?" You flutter your eyelashes and pout in what is one of— if not the dirtiest trick you could use before you feel his body curl just so and tense up just enough that you know he's gone before you feel the warmth of his come covering your hand. If you're honest with yourself you can feel your pussy clenching around nothing and you wonder if perhaps you're in the same boat without being touched in the same way.

It takes you and Austin a moment to catch your breath, staring at each other in a bit of shock before he finally says something, moving to make it so he isn't pinning you against the door. "That— I was supposed to have sex with you not—"

You cut him off with a nuzzle to his nose, watching as his face scrunches up just a little. "You still can. I still want you to. Might have gotten off last night to the idea. Was hoping you would tonight actually."

Austin swallows and watches how you shift in place, still wanting more friction. "Yeah? Want me to lay you out on the bed and make you come till you cry?" He licks his lips at the picture he's inadvertently painting and you can't help but mirror him.

"I'd like to see you try, Butler," you answer with a smile, teasing him with the old name you used to call him in anger. "It'll take a while."

"I've got all night," he shrugs before his eyes move and catch on the yoga mat by the door. "And you're pretty flexible. Lead the way to your fate, babe."

You get a call about a noise complaint from your landlord the next day.

taglist: @ab4eva, @blurredcolour, @butlersxbirdy, @precious-little-scoundrel, @eliseinmemphis, @prompted-wordsmith, @lookingforrainbows, @araxw, @thatbanditqueen, @ellie-24, @austinbutlersgirl67, @heartbrake-hotel, @ccab, @18lkpeters, @slutforsomegoodlettuce, @dkayfixates, @kendralavon7, @chasingwildflowers, @slowsweetlove, @kxnnxy, @meetmeatyourworst, @purejasmine

[scruffyssketchbook]

RAMBLES OF A VERY TIRED AUTHOR CHAN #I lost track bro

Kind of random post, sorry!!! Might delete later 😋 idk

I originally said here that this wasn’t a vent post but it might be one after all oops. (I’m sorry I’m an over-sharer and this is my ramble blog.)

(Trigger Warning- grooming? Pedo behavior?)

So I think I mentioned this here before (like years before, idk), but there is this guy who has been stalking me for forever now or whatever. Like, he’s basically the reason I don’t accept friend requests from people I don’t know on Discord and made it so only friends can message me, cause this man would pretend to be other people to talk to me. Anyways, on one of his MANY alts that he uses to send messages to me, he basically admitted to grooming me in the Pedo way when I was a minor!!! Fun 🥰🥰🥰🥰 (this is sarcasm)

But like, that literally explains SO MUCH OF THE THINGS IN SSEC, LIKE WHAT????

Like obviously I am not going in detail of the things that were in SSEC cause it makes me uncomfortable, but it does explain a lot of it, and seeing how afterwards I proceeded to get groomed by 2 other people back to back to BACK, LIKE. For one thing

I definitely feel like the tonal shift in the series was due to all of these events. Of course, I’m not going to get into every bad thing that happened to me due to being a naive girl making a stupid pokemon webcomic (sadly it’s a lot lol), but like, I didn’t even realize that I was groomed by multiple people until I was in my 20’s. (I mean, I am in my 20’s right now, but you know) and I literally was not aware that stalker man was being a pedo towards me when I was a minor until he admitted to me that he was being one- RECENTLY.

I do feel like how SSEC ultimately turned out was due to all of this. For the longest time, I was just surrounded by a lot of negativity. And, I kind of just kind of have the natural inclination to help people or be kind to people, and that ultimately just caused people to see that and use me over and over and over again, causing both the tonal shift in SSEC as well as me closing myself more and more off to people, which- really sucks honestly. (And only now I realize that that is literally the same thing that happened to Vay, wtf)

Like- I want friends. Nothing Romantic, no strings attached, no weird power dynamics, just PLATONIC friends. But I’m extremely shy and awkward, and ofc, extremely closed off ^^;;; So it’s pretty hard for that to happen, I guess.

But I suppose that is why I like/obsess about Box 31 so much.

Box 31 is basically just wish fulfillment for me.

Because, like. The only thing I’ve ever really wanted, the thing I have been looking for, for years, are friends. And, the whole story of box 31 are outcasts making friends, and supporting each other, and growing together, and that makes me very very happy.

Living vicariously through my characters!!! I want them to be happy, I want them to smile, I want others to smile too!!! I don’t want to keep drawing sad things, yeah I like drama, there will be drama in Box 31, but in ssec it’s just so endless. I always wanted the characters to be happy at the end, but where is that end if there is an endless sea of issues?

Idk. I just remember me being freshly 18, crying on the ground (cringe ik) to my way older roommate that I just wanted friends, and I wonder if things would have been better if someone just took my hand and became the friend I needed at the time instead of me becoming totally isolated and the stalker using that to get closer to me.

Idk 😋 as I said, might delete later 😋 just kinda a bit cringe lmao

I just wanna keep drawing my Stupid Silly Eeveelutions~ la la laa

Oh. Speaking of that actually.

[spiderceo]

WORLD SWAP AU

warnings: slight scopophobia (fear of staring)

a/n: welcome to my funky lil au inspired by @aerkame and their ‘alive au’. i really like the idea of the puppets somehow ending up in the reader’s world and making their life ten times harder than it needs to be lol

master post

🌟 you were never a morning person so you always hit the snooze button the moment your alarm went off. you reached over like you usually do to your alarm clock but instead of the usual metal, you grabbed onto something soft and squishy like…felt? hold on-

🌟 you opened one eye only to come face to face with a little yellow puppet staring at you widely with a grin. it’s blue hair in your hands and nothing but staring between you both. time seemed to pause as you waited for your brain to catch up but then it suddenly spoke:

🌟 “…good morning, neighbour.” it smiled brightly.

🌟 you let out a screech that could burst eardrums and tried to put as much distance between you and this creature. you backed into the wall against the other side of your bed and just kept screaming bloody murder. the puppet was also screaming alongside you but it wasn’t scared, it was just copying you.

🌟 cut to a few minutes after and you are standing in your living room with all of the puppets crammed on your couch. they all came in varying sizes so it made their squeeze to fit rather difficult. the puppet who almost gave you a heart attack introduced himself as wally and then told you the names of all the others. the fact you even felt sane enough to sit and listen to them all talk over each other for your attention was a miracle. most people would have either fainted or gone back to bed in hopes this was just a bad dream.

🌟 for some reason, the shock of these living puppets in your home wore off pretty quickly. it was probably the idea of having to take care of them and the stress it would put you through that did it. no time to be in shock when your entire life needed to be rearranged.

🌟 none of the puppets could find a way to explain their situation. “one day we were playing, and the next we were here!” the one named sally exclaimed, using her arms expressively as she talked. it wasn’t like you were much help in this situation. you were just as confused as they were.

🌟 the rest of the day went by a bit chaotically. these new roommates of yours caused a lot of trouble. they didn’t know anything about the modern world apparently so you had to teach them like they were children. they asked about everything from the toaster to your toothpaste. curiosity was something they all didn’t lack.

🌟 keeping them entertained wasn’t a hard job. it meant that you could process your situation and figure out a way to send them back to where they came from.

🌟 frank was interested in your bookshelves. you found him reading pride and prejudice. the speed at which he read amused you greatly. they were practically flying through the pages.

🌟 you had to teach poppy how to use your kitchen. all she wanted to do was bake you a nice meal in thanks for welcoming them into your home — despite all the trouble it was going to cause.

🌟 you let julie try on all your clothes and have a fashion show with everyone. cleaning up after her was a haste but they offered to help clean up which was weirdly sweet.

🌟 wally had figured out how to use the tv but not entirely. you walked in on him watching static to which you asked “how long have you been staring at that?”. his response was “my eyes feel funny.”

🌟 sally has taken a liking to the random ornaments scattered around your house. she will randomly pick one up and come running to you to ask what it is. of course you’ll explain anything to her but it was strange that she didn’t know what a sea shell was…

🌟 eddie has started doing arts and crafts in bulk. frank said that he does it when he’s stressed. you’re not entirely sure how to relax him because it’s not like you can take a puppet to a spa or treat them to a nice meal-

🌟 barnaby has been following you around with perfectly timed jokes and sound effects. it’s starting to get on your nerves (especially when you’re trying to nap) but your hope that they’d soon return to whatever world they come from makes you tolerate it.

🌟 howdy hasn’t found something in your home he enjoys yet. he spends most of his time helping you with housework. his multiple arms and tall stature help when it comes to cleaning and reaching the top shelve. if you could choose any of them to stay it would definitely be him because he’s so kind and helpful — maybe you’d keep poppy around too because her meals are like heaven on a plate.

[koala-fluff]

Here it is, again. The last part of the headcannons!

(my phone crashed and it didn't post well the first time...)

This one is different thoughts and dynamics between those I've made headcannons about.

Will they be in any discernible order? No. But that doesn't matter!

Enjoy!

---------------

✨Wednesday Tickle Headcannons Part 3✨

I headcannon that Xavier and Ajax became roommates after season 1

Literally the first thing they did was an icebreaker game that changed into Ajax wrecking him

Thing showed Enid that Wednesday was ticklish, but the werewolf has yet to actually get her to laugh

Wednesday is the unbeatable tickle monster of the group

Everyone, except Bianca, has tried to tickle her, but it never goes well

They even tried teaming up, with Bianca this one time, to get her

It did not end well...

Enid is jealous of Eugene because he has heard Wednesday laugh

(Not her real laugh, but the breathy one)

Like I have said, no one can resist the bees. Not even Wednesday Addams

Ajax and Enid get into tickle fights all the time

They both enjoy laughing and making other people laugh, so that goes well together

They also frequently team up on poor Xavier, usually because he's acting too down

Enid always tried to sneak attack people

She has successfully snuck up on Eugene, Xavier, and Ajax many times

She has snuck up on Bianca too a few times She has never snuck up on Thing and has only snuck up on Wednesday once

Wednesday tickles Enid the most out of the group simply because the werewolf constantly tries to sneak up on her

Enid is determined to wreck Wednesday

Xavier also has some interest on hearing Wednesday laugh, though he goes more for stupid jokes than tickling

He tried tickling once, and...

He's too scared to do it on his own again

Thing has tickled Wednesday way more times than her friends know

He frequently gets fed up with her attitude and has come to the conclusion that tickling her works to fix that

But, he always tickles her when others aren't around. He doesn't want her to be uncomfortable

Bianca doesn't tickle people as often as the others, it's mostly just her getting dragged into their shinanigens

If Xavier or Ajax ask for her help, she will most likely refuse Unless they are recruiting her to attack Wednesday

She still wants to get one over Wednesday, so she won't pass up the chance to try Shockingly, she's more likely to help if Enid asks her

The two had a school project to do together and at the end they were really good friends

Everyone is confused how that happened. Probably Enid's natural charm

Bianca and Wednesday have an odd rivalry-friendship

They constantly challenge each other to various competitions

They're the type to poke each other throughout a class to get the other to laugh

Of course, Bianca does not win that one

The only person Enid can ask for tickles is Thing

I guess it's less embarrassing if they can't smirk at you?

Wednesday has come back to their room to see Thing tickling the heck out of Enid

She always shrugs and goes about her day, neither commenting nor assisting her roommate

(She definitely knows that Enid asks Thing to tickle her, she just doesn't say anything. She's gone a little soft for Enid)

There have been random times where Wednesday will just tickle Xavier

She gives no explanation. She just shows up to his private studio and tickles the crap out of him

She does this to Enid as well

She'll just come back from class and pin Enid to the bed for no reason

(She secretly loves their laughs and does this after a bad day instead of talking about it. Cheers her right up)

Ajax has never tried to tickle Wednesday outside of a group attack

The poor boy is terrified of her because he saw her wrecking Xavier once

At least with a group he can sacrifice someone to the angry Addams and get away

For a few hours at least...

Ajax is the only one who knows Xavier likes being tickled

He has sworn every oath to never tell a soul, especially Wednesday

He doesn't, but he makes sure to sneak attack Xavier when they're chilling in their room together as much as possible

Eugene is attacked the least, simply because of his bees

He's usually the one who gets tiny pokes throughout the day and short attacks from everyone

Especially Wednesday and Ajax

Enid has gotten him a few times as well

He doesn't attack people as much either, not unless he gets annoyed by them Or if he's looking for revenge

Wednesday and Eugene have a secret game they play that the others don't know about It started when he felt a tiny mischievous

and sent a single bee to go tickle her during one of her classes

The next day, she sent Thing to do the same thing to him

Ever since, they've just been going back and forth with this, waiting for the other to tap out of the game

Eugene may be the most ticklish, but he is also one of the most stubborn

It's the only reason he hasn't laughed aloud in class yet

There was one time that the seven of them went for a little campout to hang

The trip was how Bianca got a little more integrated to the group

It started out ok, but devolved into a chaotic tickle fight

Then it turned into all of them trying to get Wednesday

Unfortunately, Addams revel in darkness

They all have yet to make her honestly laugh

But they will

Eventually

---------------

That's it for headcannons! hope you guys enjoyed all of these.

Next up: a request and a secret fic....

Hope your day/night will be fantastic!

[dimonds456]

hi guys.

MASSIVE CW/TW for medical misconduct, strong language, disability, talk of Death and dying, transphobia / enbyphobia, and personal drama below the cut. I genuinely have no clue what to do anymore.

Also no, this isn't gonna be me asking for money or anything. I'm fine there. It's literally everything else that's the problem.

also long post.

Okay, I'm terrified and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I keep forgetting to call my doctor, and I'm also actively trying to find a new, different doctor, but every single site to do that is either down or inaccessible as fuck. He won't answer me on the website that's supposed to let you get in touch with your doctor, and as far as I know there's no way to report him for anything he's doing to me.

I have a paper trail now and will be calling him Dr K, since he refers to himself like that in one of the screenshots I have.

For a bit of backstory, I have Graves Disease. Fucking love the name, great choice. Graves Disease is a sub-genre of hyperthyroidism, a typically genetic disease in which your thyroid- a butterfly-shaped gland located at the front of the throat that regulates your metabolism- starts over-producing hormones and doesn't stop. I've had it since middle school.

Here they are in all their glory. For context on how bad this shit can get, my RESTING heart rate BPM was around 100. When I started running around, it got up OVER 200. THAT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE SOMEONE A HEART ATTACK. I was in middle school at the time, so adjust for how much smaller my body was, but STILL. Still terrible numbers, and I was literally in grave danger by the time I got treated.

(wow i love that its called graves disease haha such a funny name WHO NAMED THIS DISEASE I JUST WANNA FUCKING TALK)

So, since I'm 20, it's safe to assume I have the lifelong/chronic variant at this point (it festered for at least 6 months before I started getting treatment, and though it has gotten a bit better with time, not by much).

I don't care if I have to be on meds forever, that's not the problem. The problem is everything else.

Enter my two doctors, Dr M and Dr K.

Dr M was first, he was my childhood doctor and he's the one who originally started treating me. I don't remember much about him, just that he frustrated me constantly because he never listened. I'd tell him that my symptoms got worse after he lowered my dosage, and instead of talking to me about that, he'd point at a chart full of numbers that I don't understand and say "well your numbers look good so." and then proceed to continue lowering my dosage again until it because obvious to him that I was telling the truth, in which he'd up my dosage.

Now, as a kid, I was very much not outspoken. I still am not. I've never been very pushy about anything and always let people walk all over me, so I only really ever got listened to when the "numbers" started to reflect what I was saying. And yeah, my self-confidence it a whole other conversation and I do need to work on that, but also... part of being a doctor is to listen to your patient, right? So no matter how quiet or afraid I was, I should still have been heard out and treated like a person and not a goddamn statistic.

Then, I turned 18. I had until I was 19 to find an "adult" doctor, and Dr M kept seeing me until that could happen. But I had no idea how the fuck to do that. And no one explained it to me. I needed to be sat down and shown exactly how to do it step-by-step, but that never happened. I never got the help I needed.

April 7th, 2022, I turned 19 years old. Time was up, and I still didn't have a different doctor. I had no clue where to start.

I was living on my own now. I had an apartment I'd been staying in for a little less than a year, had a terrible home life with my roommates, had a 3rd shift 10 and a half-hour job + college, and no new doctor. I got one last prescription refill from Dr M, and then that was it. I wasn't allowed to see him anymore.

I kept putting off finding a new doctor because I was preoccupied with The Horrors™, something else that traumatized me last year that lasted from November 2021 to late October 2022. It went on for a literal year and I still haven't recovered from it at all, but again, that's a whole other can of worms that I cannot open yet. But the point is that I was in the mental warzone at the time, and just... never thought about a new doctor.

July 2022.

My 3 months of prescription were over. I was on the wrong dosage, and my symptoms were flaring up. BAD. And I still didn't have a doctor. Time to panic. I don't remember what happened, but my dad was able to help me find a doctor named Dr K, and we set up an appointment- 3 days before the last of my meds would have run out.

I just had to make it til then, then everything would be okay, right? I wasn't going to die- I wasn't going to die. I had to hold onto that. i wasn't going to die.

I saw him, he was able to get me on proper meds, and my dosage was upped from half a pill twice a day to 2 pills twice a day. MUCH better, it helped a lot. Thank fuck, I'm not going to die.

I thought that, maybe, finally, I got a doctor who would listen. But he doesn't. He fucking doesn't. He does the exact same thing as Dr M and only looks at "the numbers" and doesn't listen to what I'm telling him.

Fast forward to now. I am still processing The Horrors™, have (C?)PTSD, I have a new eating disorder that not even the doctors are sure wtf it is (might be ARFID? But they genuinely have no idea, I'm in a weird grey area, so THAT'S comforting), I have new weakness in my legs and arms that they don't know how that got there, I've fallen 3 times, and Graves Disease gave me an eye disease that can make me go blind if untreated. Awesome.

...Dr K still isn't listening.

My most recent appointment with him was last month, when I went to get a normal follow-up. Apparently they forgot to do labs for his stuff and just did them for my eating disorder, so he doesn't really have much to go off of in terms of "the numbers" and I'm the one who takes the blame for it, not the labwork people who forgot to take my labs while I was there getting labs. Fine. Whatever.

I tell him about my symptoms flaring back up, and he continues going on about my "numbers". Points at a graph I can't read. "Your numbers look fine." What does that mean? Idk, he didn't tell me.

During that visit, he brought up with me that I want to have top surgery. I say yes, and then he starts going off about how I need to start HRT before they can do the surgery. I ask why, and he tells me that it's just how they do things. I have to be on HRT for at least 6 months before I can get the surgery I want.

Now, I am transmasc (nonbinary). I am not against HRT, but it's not something I'm sure I want yet. I tell him as such, and he then states that "well since you're still confused, you should talk to a therapist first and then we'll go from there." BITCH I'M NOT CONFUSED. I JUST DON'T WANT HRT RIGHT NOW. I have 50 other medical problems to worry about, I'm not in a good position to start it even IF I WANTED TO. WHICH I DO NOT. I just know I want the surgery! That's it!

I tell him as such, and he keeps insisting that I'm just confused in what I want and basically said that I'm not trans enough to warrant a surgery if I don't want HRT.

Great. Well, now I'm pissed.

Two days later, I hopped onto a Discord server and asked if I was right in thinking that what he said was wrong, and everyone agreed that yeah, what he told me was fucked up. I even brought this up with my parents, who- although they do support me as an individual- are mildly transphobic, and even THEY agreed that what he told me was fucked up. I should not be FORCED into anything like that because I'm "not trans enough," that's BULLSHIT.

Anyway. At the end of my original visit with him, he sent me to get the labwork done same-day and then told me he would update me with what we were going to do.

Last Thursday, August 3rd, I got a phone call saying that he was canceling my prescription altogether.

My meds, which- as a reminder- SAVED ME FROM DYING LAST YEAR, which I know for a FACT I need to live since I was on death's doorstep just for being on the wrong dosage of these meds- yeah fuck em. You don't need them. "Your numbers are good."

The goal has been to ween me off. Slowly but surely reduce my pills a little at a time to slowly ween my body off the medication. I'm taking 30 mg a day. THIS IS NOT WEENING.

Now, I do make a comment I'm not proud of in the following screenshot, but the context is that I had already asked what the numbers meant and got brushed aside for it, both as a kid AND a teenager. I am now 20. So, of course, the "I'm not a kid anymore" thing pops up here, like the fucking cliche that I am. But I have not edited these screenshots except to blot out my picture. I refuse to edit them, just so it's crystal clear the BULLSHIT I'm dealing with.

I went onto the website and sent my doctor some questions, because I was rightfully afraid of what would happen if I suddenly couldn't take medication that I need to live. And the answer I got? Well, look.

I just took these screenshots as I was making this post.

Yeah, so ignoring the "I'm not a kid anymore" comment (I knew I would regret writing that and I did it anyway, go me), I feel like I was professional and careful with my wording here, right? I asked each question and explained why I was asking in-depth in hope of answers. And, I numbered those questions to ensure all 4 got addressed. And all I got was MORE questions.

And he never answered. That was August 7th. It's the 10th now. And I'm suffering. My symptoms are coming back more and more each day, and I've been trying desperately to ween myself off of meds so it's not the literal sudden change that he wants for my body. And also like, I'm sorry but am I reading this right? WHAT THE FUCK DOES "NORMAL HYPERTHYROIDISM RANGE" MEAN?? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET WORSE? RESET ME BACK TO ZERO? UNDO ALL THE PROGRESS I'VE MADE? CUZ ITS WORKING.

Sitting here writing this, my thyroid hurts. I can feel the swelling going up. You can hold it between two fingers now. I'm in pain when you tug on it in a certain direction, which used to be a comforting motion of mine. My resting BPM is going back up fast, the swelling behind my eyes is getting worse (which, again, COULD MAKE ME GO BLIND), and I was super reliant on my cane for balance today, not just the weakness in my knee/hip region that I'd been using it for. I'm getting worse FAST.

I am no stranger to Death. Honestly, my relationship with Death has gone from fearful to almost friendly over time. I feel like we know each other well, they and I. After nearly drowning at age 7, I feel like we've built a pretty uncommonly close relationship with each other. I've looked into the void, it looked back, shook its head and told me to try again. Many times. Not many other people can say that.

Death has given me many chances. I keep getting lucky. But, y'know, after dancing with Death for the majority of my life and being visited by them at least twice a year at this point, you'd think I'd start to figure out the steps to keep up with them, right? Well, you underestimate my ability to dance, ever. All it takes is a touch, and Death will have me.

"Just get a new doctor!" I still don't know how, and when I want to try? The website was down (which isn't the same website as the one I use to talk to Dr K, it's a completely different site).

"Call the office and keep calling them until you get answers!" A) phone calls are scary, B) the nurses aren't going to have the answers I need, only the doctors will, and C) you can't just call your doctor, not in this fucking day and age. If I want an appointment, I gotta book it out by months.

This morning, all I had was a half a pill. I'm running low on meds, and I'm trying to take them only as needed, and with as little as possible, to preserve them for as long as I can. But with all this happening, I... I want to take another half, but that would do more harm in the end than good since I'd have less for later. My dad suggested a Tylenol, since my throat is inflamed and that might make the swelling go down (but it wouldn't address the issue in that my thyroid is making far more hormones than it should be). So now I have to choose.

I had a panic attack over this earlier. I looked up to pick up a box from a tall shelf and fell backwards- the same thing that finally convinced my parents that something might actually have been wrong with me and got me to see a doctor 6 months too late originally. Only difference is that there's no broken plate this time. All I did was look up and I stumbled backwards into the wall.

I don't want to die. Oh, stars, I don't want to die. But they're not going to refill my prescription, and I'm 86% sure my doctor is doing this on purpose because of the trans thing (you could hear it in his tone, but that's not really proof of anything). He won't explain himself, and then proceeded to ignore me when I asked for answers. I need a new doctor, but I don't know how to get one, and the website is STILL DOWN.

I'm fucked. I'm actually fucked.

Death has been kind to me before. I just have to trust that they'll be kind to me again. And I know personifying something like Death is fucking stupid but it's all I have left at this point.

I don't want to die, stars I don't. Been there done that. I just want to feel okay. I just want to feel safe. But in this body, I'll never feel safe. My Graves will never go away, and my throat is closing up what with the inflamation, and I'm in pain, and my eyes hurt, and my eating disorder keeps taking more and more away from me, and I could barely make it through fucking mini golf earlier, so how the fuck am I going to go back to work like this?! They're going to fire me, and then what? Do I just lay down and die?! Let it happen? Because if THIS is all my life is going to be, fighting just for the right to be alive from the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me STAY alive, then what is the fucking point?!

I should clarify; I am not suicidal. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just want to feel okay. Please, stars, that's all I want. I just want to feel safe. I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel like it all meant something, that I can push through and use my own suffering to lift others up so they don't have to suffer like I did. The point is to ease other's suffering as much as I can. That's all I've ever wanted. But all I do is bring others down with me, because of things that are out of my control.

i'm tired. i'm hot. i'm hungry. i can't eat. i'm angry. i'm emotionless. i'm exhausted. i'm cold. i feel sick. i'm in pain. i'm numb. i just want it to be over. i want to push through. i want to give in. i want it all to stop. i want to feel safe.

...I'm gonna try the Tylenol. I can't afford to take any more of my meds.

hah, i'm like doug from portal. save em for the end times.

I just... what if my dad is right and this is all in my head? Like, it's fucking not, I can FEEL the inflamation getting bigger both on my skin and in my throat, but... what if? What if all of this is just anxiety? What if this is all just a result of my trauma from last year? fuck man, idk. i need help, and not even my therapist knows how to give it to me. i'm lost. i don't know who to talk to or who can help me.

im sorry. I'm still going to try to make as positive an impact as I can while I'm still here, but... stars, I just don't know how much time I have.

If you made it this far, take a second and count your blessings, okay? Take the time to wave to friendly faces of your past, remember things you did and people you've met. Remember your favorite childhood bookseries, or your favorite TV show. Appreciate the people closest to you. Hug your pet. Hug your siblings. Send your guardians a text appreciating them for the good memories they've given you, if you can.

Breathe. You're alive. Somehow, someway... you're alive. And isn't that wonderful? To defy the very nature of science that we still don't understand, to plant your feet on the ground and go "no, I'm here and I am alive and I live for myself"? That's incredible.

I'm alive, too. By stars I'm alive. And I'm not gonna go anywhere until I'm forced from this earth kicking and screaming. And I'm gonna try my goddamn best to make sure that every day is as good as it can be, for everyone around me. For myself.

Fuck it, we only have so much time. We gotta make the best of it, eh? Good memories. I want to go thinking about good memories. Laughter. Friends.

Maybe that could be enough.

[ch0kehold-ch3rry-pyth0n]

It's story time with Spirit ig.

This happened several months ago by now. And I spent a lot of time off Tumblr so I didn't bother to talk about this on here. But now I'm just gonna share it here just so that any of my other NRC peers can get some kicks out of this.

If you're a Scarabia student, you might already know about some of this because Kalim can't keep a secret to save a single hair on his head. But a while back, I had this big crush on Kalim. And I suck ass at verbalizing my feelings without it coming off as rude or awkward. So I decided to write down my thoughts and feelings in the form of a (cringy) love poem. I initially wasn't going to give it to him. But then my roommate (at the time, she has her own room now) named Alice saw it and gave me a wave of praises for how it was written (despite it being absolute garbage). So I ended up getting this surge of confidence and I sent it to him anonymously, thinking he would've just appreciated the note and that would be the end of that. Oh how wrong I was.

Instead, he got a little too excited about the note and showed it to literally everyone he knew. Based on pictures he sent in a group chat, the poem apparently brought him to tears of joy. I think he might've recited that shit at a banquet at some point. I was. Beyond embarrassed. Alice teased me to no end. And then Kalim INSISTED on trying to find the author of the poem (aka me) in the style of those stories of the glass slippered princess. Jamil was getting tired of Kalim and resorted to asking Azul of all people for help on tracking me down. That did not work in his favor.

I spent a good week trying to avoid getting found out as the note's author out of embarrassment. And I did a piss poor job at doing so because it eventually got to the point where literally everyone EXCEPT Kalim and Jamil knew it was from me. And all my efforts fell flat when I sent a picture of something I wrote on a post it note into a gc. And somehow Kalim managed to recognize me BY MY HAND WRITING. Fucker slid into my dms with just a "YOU!!" And I never felt my nonexistent soul leave my body so fast before.

And then he came down to Ramshackle, we had a conversation, yadda yadda, confession, kiss, and the rest is history. It was horrifying how he memorized my hand writing like that at the time. But nowadays it's a kinda funny story to tell and occasionally wildly exaggerate. I sometimes tell people that he tore the door off my hinges (he didn't. But you can't tell me that isn't a funny mental image)

So yeah. Tldr: Had a crush, sent him an anonymous letter, got hunted for a week, got my handwriting recognized, had a heart attack, happily ever after.

And to this day he still has that damn poem framed in his room somewhere. It kinda makes me cringe now since it's kinda old and my newer writing is much better by comparison. But I may post what the poem said on here if anyone is interested.

Anyway, that is all. Gonna go chug some orange juice straight from the carton and try to forget about the future now. Peace out xx

[knifedog-machina]

Gateway Operations: How My System Works

Written by Max on March 30, 2024.

I haven't seen many personal essays or in-depth posts by plurals that explain how their individual systems work and what their experiences are like, so I’m taking the alterhuman community mindset of Writing About My Personal Experiences as the host of a gateway system, just to archive my experiences in pen, since my memory isn't at all infallible.

I'm also posting on social media (instead of only a personal website) in hopes of seeing and being seen by other folks, people who have similar or different experiences! I like talking about myself, but not into a void, you know? I like it when people talk back! If you have replies, feel free to write them as a response! (If in a reblog, please put it under a cut if it's longer than a few paragraphs!)

Headmates and Visitors

First off, defining “gateway system.” I'm using the term to mean that the people in my system exist in an alternate universe - their version of a slightly futuristic Detroit, Michigan, in our case - and they walked into my brain as completely separate people from me.

My headmates are the people who I consider my brain roommates, the people who choose to live together with me in our daily life. So far this is a short list, just Jude and Gavin, because they like being here and I like having them around.

I've recently found that other people from their world can chime in from time to time - and they aren’t headmates, in my opinion, so much as visitors. They like talking to my headmates, and sometimes even to me, but they don’t want to live with me and just come and go as they please, usually just popping in when called (if they're free). So far, they’ve all been people who Jude and Gavin personally know, and people I know from their world and feel interested in. My working explanation for who can visit the system is that they’re all people in Detroit who we’re invested in, and if we want to talk to them enough, they can talk to us. Why? Who knows! What matters is that we can have a chat or two over lunch.

As the host, listening to my headmates talking to other people in their world really does remind me of listening in on a phone call - I’m not usually getting visuals from the other person, just their voice internalized in my mind. As far as I can tell, that's also how the whole thing gets filtered in-universe - for example, Gavin mentally called a friend from Detroit a couple nights ago, for the sake of trying to do so without expecting anything, and when she actually answered, it did solidify into a phone call, or at least she was talking into the phone on her end of the line.

The Back (and headspace, or lack thereof)

When I think about my headmates in the back, they’re in their apartment - which has mostly been Gavin’s apartment, historically, but Jude’s moved in. The impression I get in my mind’s eye when I’m visualizing the back is like that of a moving camera, seeing footage from a recording without being in the space myself. It’s very much their actual apartment, though - for instance, Gavin owns three cats, and if I focus on them, I can tell what they’re getting up to. As I’m writing this, I’m checking on the cats, and I get the impression that Lucy is taking a nap on one arm of the couch.

When Jude or Gavin check into the back, they tend to get impressions from their own points of view. For example, when Jude is laying on the couch and looking at Gavin in the kitchen, they’re using their own eyes for that, while if I’m the one watching him, I’m looking from a different viewpoint - it’s like my internal footage of them is being filmed on a security camera or using film shooting techniques, while they're just using their eyes like normal people.

This visualization is always very hazy and unfocused until I actually focus on what's going on, and then it clears up into a solid concept. It's a similar story for figuring out noemata or exomemory recall - from what I can tell, it all runs on a sort of Schrodinger's cat principle, where all the possibilities for what's happening are superimposed on one another until I'm actively thinking about it, and then it settles upon a single configuration and doesn't change again. For example, what the cats are doing. Jack is currently sitting on the windowsill, looking at the birds outside.

I used to think my internal camera was fixed to Gavin’s apartment, but since I've been able to look at other places, I think it's more likely that my headmates and visitors tend to talk to me when they're not busy, which tends to mean they're at home or otherwise unoccupied. A couple visitors were going on a walk in the park while talking to me, which was really quite nice. I've also found my point of view camera spinning over to watch them in their house, and that's quite different from Jude and Gavin’s place.

And because the back is their actual world instead of a mindscape that I made up, I don't actually exist in it. I can't project myself into my headmates’ apartment - I’m the host, so I live in this world, and I reside in my brain and body as thought patterns and self-perception. When I give up control of the front, I don't enter any specific headspace. If I'm co-conscious, I just exist as a disembodied voice, vaguely attached to my self-image and body, until I return to the front again. (It's not as disorienting as it sounds, I promise.)

Fronting and Co-Fronting

When my headmates are fronting, it's not like they blip back and forth between being in my world controlling my body, and being in their world controlling their bodies. They're actually in both places at once? I like to think of it like quantum superpositions, much like the memory and camera focus - if Jude is fronting and wants to hug Gavin back in their own bodies, they can do that! At the same time, they're still up here in my body. They can only fully focus on one or the other, though, so that's something that tends to happen more when I'm in co-front and can take over fronting.

Something that does happen for us, and happens so naturally that we didn't realize that other systems might not be able to do it, is partial possession. It's a new term for me, but it’s well-established in the tulpamancy community - basically, putting it into plural terminology, it's when one headmate takes control of some part of their shared body while co-fronting with someone else.

We do this voluntarily and semi-automatically, for a variety of reasons. When I’m suffering from sensory overload and don't want to eat despite being hungry, someone else might decide to take over eating while I keep using the spoon. If Jude wants to hold hands in co-front, they can take one hand and Gavin can have the other, and they can hold hands like that. If Gavin wants to walk while I listen to a podcast, he gets the legs and I keep the audio processing. It's a good thing for all of us!

Usually, when fronting, I can call someone's name to the back and get a response - this is how I know the difference between tuning in and out of headmate awareness throughout the day, where I can check in and get an immediate response if they're awake, and them walking out of the system for a time. When they leave, I call out and get no response whatsoever.

This gets distressing when someone other than myself gets stuck in the front, which happens when we're overloaded with stress, because that also makes it incredibly difficult or impossible to get responses from me or anyone else in the back, so it feels like the person in front is completely alone in there. For the record, this has always been a stress-induced communication breakdown for us, and we do always regain contact after calming down.

And I've found that our visitors also co-front sometimes, I think because they're used to having bodies and don't like being in the void in the way that we get when we aren't fronting or focusing on the back. (They don't usually care for it, which is part of why they aren't headmates - for example, Connor hates eating.)

I don't have a conclusion for this essay, really - it's a collection of observations, and might change or expand in the future. Who knows! It's nice to have it jotted down in one place, though.

[shsl-heck]

Pale Live Read Part 3. Stolen Away

After like 10 days I’m finally posting this! The arc was great I just got distracted and didn’t start reading it until a couple days ago, then it turned out I had a lot of thoughts. Once again  warning for heavy Pact spoilers since my thoughts are heavily influenced by reading it before this.

Greg isn't in their class anymore and no one seems to remember him. So presumably the choir severed his connections to everyone not at the ritual location. Very Urr adjacent feeling. This is definitely something I can see being listed alongside Corvidae as an Other people assumed was a demon at first. I'm 99% sure it's not though. It seems to lack the ambient corrupting effect they have.

The fact that Lucy used to blame herself for all the problems in her life but now chooses to get angry and do something about it is interesting to me. I'd argue that it's honestly healthier to get mad like that than to wallow in self loathing like Avery does. Lucy is giving off very much an "if there can be no victory then I will fight forever", or even an  "I had to try" vibe if we want to tie it into a certain other web serial. 

Verona's dad continues to be the worst. Acting like that because your daughter forgot and didn't get you a birthday gift is just beyond my comprehension. Like I get he's got his own issues but Jesus christ, he needs to put on a brave face and do what has to be done for his daughter's sake. This is like peak parentification.

On a much lighter note I love these girls' friendship. It's so nice to read a Wildbow story where the central characters like each other and aren't constantly destroying every relationship in their life.

They used to do a similar fake nation project at my school in geography class. Not really relevant to anything but I thought that was neat.

I really like Reagan. Hopefully she doesn't get killed or worse by the Choir, and I doubt she's Innocent anymore, so it might be interesting (and not too karmically costly) for the girls to send her in the direction of the magic school Miss mentioned. She'd make a good practitioner I think. 

Okay now Lucy is distrusting Verona because she's talking to Miss on her own. This is closer to the Wildbow protags I'm used to lol.

They're going to see the faerie! I'm sure this will end well for them. In all seriousness though, after The Girl in the Checkered Scarf's interlude from Pact I'm a bit nervous about long term consequences. If anyone can weasel out of the oath at the awakening ceremony it's probably a faerie. 

Just noticed the name of this arc which makes going to see Faeries even more ominous.

I know I just talked about them being dangerous but Marcica and Guilherme are delightful. The exiled faerie of Jacob's Bell were obviously a little menacing, but the two in Kennet have a great little Odd Couple dynamic going on here that makes them seem less threatening. That just makes them more dangerous though.

Marcica is being more generous than I'm comfortable with. The gifts are uh, of varying quality levels but it's still a lot. Verona's is especially worrying given she already wants to become something other than human.

Alpeana lives with the two fae? I desperately need a version of Pale that's just a sitcom about these three being roommates.

Marcica's interaction with Avery here, teaching her to use glamor, is actually a very nice moment. Her sharing her thoughts on gender and expression while basically doing Avery's makeup really feels very intimate. We know there's a trick here, but I can't fault Avery for falling for it. The way Marcica advises her to just go with what happens and work with instead of against the glamor also explains why her court loses the least to Winter. Presumably immortality is less miserable if you're willing to play along and just accept things.

I don't know if I like what Avery is doing with Pam here. She's like 12 so I get that these things have not occurred to her but it's a little creepy, and the kind of thing that could come with long term consequences. Pamela already has a bunch of self esteem issues and I can easily see her questioning the "why" here as time goes on.

Lucy maintaining her appearance out of spite feels like something that could easily become super self destructive. I also feel the need to point out that it's not actually that different from if she went the route Avery is and blamed herself. In that case it would be her fault she was ranked last, and so she has to try harder to be likable and attractive. Instead she decides to say fuck them (which I again think is a good idea), but she still ends up trying to improve her appearance to prove them wrong. It's the same end result, just different justifications! I don't think Lucy has let go of who she used to be as much as she likes to think she has. 

Her family dynamic is really interesting too. Aunt Heather gets introduced and I actually like her a lot. Of the three girls she seems to have the best home life but that says more about how bad their situations are than anything about Lucy's. I really want this to work out but I'm not optimistic about the chances. I'm even less optimistic about whatever went down with this Paul guy. Presumably he's the reason Lucy's mom was so devastated that one night.

Okay I know they saw a classmate maybe die, and John pulled a gun on them but so far these girls have had it pretty easy when it comes to dealing with the practice. Because of that I think it's easy for Avery and Verona to not realize the risks they're taking, or that this relative safety won't always be guaranteed. Lucy seems to understand a little better in terms of the harm the Faerie might do to Pamela, but doesn't seem to put together that one of them pretending to be Kell would also turn Avery saying "you won't see this face around here again" into a lie. Right now the Others of Kennet can't hurt them directly, but none of them, not even Lucy seem to realize what they're messing with, or that the training wheels are still on. Just compare their uses of glamor to Blake's. Verona turned into a mink and snuggled, and Avery had a weird pseudo date. Blake broke into the house of a rival family in order to stop a ritual targeting him and barely managed to get out by disguising himself as a child and working around the no lying rule in clever ways after he stopped them by calling 911 instead of using Practice. Both of these are very early in the story and really demonstrate how disconnected the girls are from the very real danger Others and Practitioners can bring. 

That was a long tangent but uh suffice it to say that Lucy is right about Avery and Verona needing to think more. Lucy may honestly be underselling it a little by accident (not that that would be her fault). 

Lucy is absolutely not over blaming herself after seeing this conversation with Paul. It's heart wrenching to see her like this, and even worse when you realize how long she's had to hold onto all of this. The worst part though is that seemingly all of what she said was true, or true enough for the spirits at least. I sincerely hope Paul gets hit hard by that curse.

Ms Hardy is weird. Maybe this is a cultural thing but her not wanting to talk privately with Avery because that would be crossing a personal boundary is more than a little ridiculous. Like you as a middle school teacher are there to help your students learn and grow during one of the most complicated times in their lives, and a student privately asking you for advice about something is in no way a violation of your professional ethics. If you personally don't feel comfortable engaging with kids one on one when they have issues then you should have a different job. Honestly, bringing up the possibility of having another teacher, or even worse, other students (especially when you already know their home life is not great and they have a history of being ignored and emotionally neglected) is far more of a potential violation of the trust put in you. I've just gotten more fired up as I wrote this section so honestly I'd like to formally say fuck Ms Harding. Is this a common opinion? Or am I going to start disc horse by saying this?

Sheridan and Avery's conversation was nice. It really captured a certain type of small town ennui, and the odd sorts of relationships between siblings who have a decently significant age gap. 

And the trend of humans being awful continues with yet another appearance by Verona's dad. Him just knocking three times to summon her, and especially when he started talking about his anniversary and Verona's mom not wanting to have sex or even get a massage is so sad, but in the way that triggers your disgust reaction when you see it, which is something that happens a lot in real life but not in fiction. Misery is frequently gross and ugly, and that's not necessarily any kind of failing of the immiserated (though it is in this specific case). I feel the need to clarify bc this is tumblr which notably has excellent reading comprehension as a user base.

Very funny to see Verona ask Avery about what she wants her life to look like in twenty years. It makes me think back to Pact when Rose said "I don't think anyone is pretending Blake is long for this world" to which Blake's only objection was "I'm pretending!" Like these two stories and sets of protagonists are so different, and so are their situations. I hope the girls manage to make it out if this and live full happy lives without losing too much in the process, but my impression of the Otherverse from both Pact and Pactdice is that there's not a great chance it happens. 

Return of the queen! Alpeana is back again! Someone asked on the last post who my favorite Other in the story was and my response was tentatively Alpeana, but I can now more confidently say that her, Marcica, and Guilherme are all up there as current favorites. 

The Ruins are neat! As someone with a love of decomposers I can't help but enjoy learning they break down things like Echoes similarly to how the Abyss broke down more physical things. It does make me wonder if there was some sort of argument about Blake though. He existed as a physical person, but he was also a vestige. I feel like it would make sense for him to go to either so I'm curious how it worked out. We do see it raining in the Ruins and the part of the Abyss Blake landed in was The Drains. Those are both watery in theming, maybe the Drains is the part of the abyss closest to the Abyss. Runoff from the Drains falls down into the Ruins as rain or something like that? It would even make sense if we assume that once the Abyss was finished grinding down the person Blake that the spirit/vestige-y bits would go down the drain into the Ruins so it can be fully decomposed.

I love Lucy shooting the eye here and the detail that it would likely sting or blind one of the spying practitioner's eyes. It's a very cool moment and oddly enough, almost the exact same thing happens in a surprisingly excellent middle grade book called The Candy Shop Wars, which is about a group of kids recruited by an elderly candy making witch who's super shady to be her minions. I wonder if Wildbow read it and this is a reference, or just a fun little coincidence.

Collette is probably going to be hurting for a while. This eye stealing Other seems pretty nasty, and I imagine that eyes and more broadly Sight is pretty important for an augur. That's of course assuming Guilherme doesn't do something worse which is a possibility. I'd much rather have to deal with even a bounced back eye monster than a Faerie. 

Cherry is kind of cute. I'd say she needs more confidence but encouraging a goblin to be confident seems liable to end poorly for all involved..

Munch's honesty about targeting bad people not actually making goblins "good" is refreshing in its honesty. I love the faerie in this and Miss is great but it always feels like they're the ones pulling the strings. Also, the goblin queen he mentions here is the same one from Maggie's interlude right? Like it's the  blood and darkness one for sure.

These goblins having to adhere to pg 13 language is incredible and I love it.

So the Carmine Beast was there when John killed Yalda, which I don't think we knew, and it actually helped pick its own potential successor which is interesting. Did the Carmine Beast know all the way back then that it would be dying soon? ("Soon" relative to the timescale Others work on at least). Does Yalda's death indirectly lead to the Carmine Beast being gone? Like my understanding is that Black Dogs like her cause lots of sickness and curses to the people who are responsible for hurting them. If John killed Yalda on the orders of the Carmine and other judges would part of the curse transfer to them? I don't think she would be strong enough for her curse to actually like kill the Carmine Beast, but it could have weakened them and made it easier for someone else to do it. 

It seems like somehow Edith knew that the Carmine was gone before Munch came to tell her. How? We haven't seen a lot of her and Matthew since the beginning of arc 1, which makes me suspicious that Wildbow might be keeping them in the background for now only to reveal that they played some big role in the death of the Carmine Beast later on. Those two (especially Matthew) do seem to be the ones with the most knowledge of the Practice… (Other than maybe Miss who I don't believe was knowingly involved)

Verona laughing and giving the goblins the finger after they tell her she needs to be rude when saying goodbye to them is just such a fun moment. Seeing characters interact almost casually with Others is strangely heartwarming. (Even if that interaction is flipping off goblins)

I feel like I get Verona a lot more now. Hearing her talk about the existential dread of going to highschool and college just so you can get a job you hate and take on massive debt, and (if you get lucky) stumble into a strained relationship that's likely to end in disaster. 

Lucy has an affinity for slasher movies! She also has rules about them being fair. At first I thought "oh if she likes these kinds of movies maybe she'll try working with bogeymen", which would fit with her being the one who likes curses and more violent magic. As she kept watching though we got our explanation of her very Hammurabi-adjacent system of fairness. When I think back, yeah she's interested in curses and such,but generally it's been to punish them for something specific. Maybe she and Paige should hang out and Lucy could become a law mage meting out punishment to those who transgress. 

I'm really invested in Lucy's family dynamic at this point. I want it to all work out for them. Everyone involved is trying their best to keep it together and take care of each other, but it's hard! It shouldn't have to be hard, but it is, and for reasons mostly out of this family's direct control.

We're discussing familiars again. This time in the context of Avery bringing one to the trails with her. She brings up my bestie Alpeana, but I don't think she'll actually pick the mare to be her familiar. I do kind of hope one of the other girls does though. No matter what, I think we're getting close to the first Essentials ritual and it's going to be one of the girls (probably Avery) taking a familiar.

Miss is Lost. Neat. I don't feel like I know enough about that to say anything insightful yet, but I'm interested in hearing more about her time wandering the Paths. She made it through the Forest Ribbon Trail by instinct alone which is incredible, and she's constantly avoiding being slotted into a ritual or something by the universe. We already knew Miss was knowledgeable and I assumed she had a decent amount of skill using whatever abilities she has, but this makes her seem like she's on a whole other level compared to most Others we've seen in Kennet and Jacob's Bell. 

Snowdrop is a delight. I love this angry possum. She hates Avery so much and it's a lot of fun. She's also giving lots of seemingly bad advice. Is the trail different than usual somehow? Like can the Belanger's mess up the ritual somehow? Or did the girls just screw up?

The basket being hidden like that is a real dick move by the trail. Also, I don't know what's going on here! The giant babydoll head or whatever is freaky, and it doesn't seem to be talking. I'm not sure  if that's a blessing or curse in this situation. Tattoo guy and the lady holding the opossum are both kind of weird too, then there's just a guy. Tbf though him just being some guy probably makes him the weirdest one in this context. 

Changed my mind, the opossum lady is the creepiest Lost here right now. She asked "don't you want a boon companion who can't lie?" So that's seemingly confirmation that Snowdrop can lie, which we could kind of assume already but still. 

Holy shit the cat skull was even meaner than the basket. This trail fucking hates her. Doing the opposite of what Snowdrop says seems to be working though. Is that the possum trick? Not just being able to lie, but always giving the worst advice possible?

The doll head is Nicolette! All of a sudden everything has gone wrong. Snowdrop has been snatched by the Belangers, and Avery somehow messed up negotiations. I'm beginning to think picking an old wolf was a mistake. A younger one might have been faster, but it being less cunning seems more important.

The comic is ominous, but I'm not totally sure what's going on in it. The branch with no ribbon is gone. Is the wolf trying to keep Avery from finding the detour?

Nicolette interlude! It seems obvious in retrospect but I didn't see it coming.

The Belanger Circle seems like a real boys' club, which I think was a smart decision on Wildbow's part. It instantly makes me a lot more sympathetic towards Nicolette. Like I'm now completely on her side when a paragraph ago she was the trio's first real enemy.

Is the whole church Alexander's demesne? That's impressive if so. Even a large room invites quite a few challenges based on everything we saw in Pact. It doesn't quite fit with the vibe I'm getting though. So far Alexander reminds me more of Duncan Behaim. That's to say he doesn't seem like a particularly good practitioner, more like the kind of person who's powerful chiefly because of the clout the Belanger name gives him, or the amount of people he has dirt on. He feels like every rich failson I've ever seen.

Chase comes from a practitioner family other than the Belanger Circle which is interesting. Fits with my idea that Alexander relies on relationships with other practitioners for influence. Chase's motive for picking Nicolette is really gross, but also Wildbow be normal about fat people challenge. 

So the eye thief Other was a collector. Interesting. It didn't seem to have anything other than the necklace on it so I wouldn't have guessed that was the case. It certainly did a number on Nicolette even without items. 

Nicolette's parents are officially joining the ranks of Verona's father, Carol Dallon, Heartbreaker, and most of the Thorburn line as "just the worst parents a kid could ask for".

The Hallow in her head is scary! It could cause a lot of problems down the road if she ever slips up even a little.

Fuck this Belanger Circle nonsense. I think Nicolette should be allowed to beat them all up. The way they talk to her is so skeevy it just makes my skin crawl. Alexander is the worst one though. He's doing the thing where he acts nice and protective but we also know that he wants the exact same thing Seth, Tanner, and Chase do. Maybe even worse depending on who he'd marry her off to if not himself. This makes the Duchamp Coven feel feminist. 

I need Seth to get his shit wrecked. I need all of the Belanger Circle to get broken and brought low. Someone get Pauz in here. I know that would be giving demon's ground but I think it would be satisfying enough that it's worth it. In the meantime though at least the Omens she set on him will cause some problems.

No wonder Nicolette seems so well disciplined for a relatively new Practitioner. She had to strictly set rituals for herself to claw back sanity from the spirits in her Hallow before she even knew things like that actually existed. She's had to struggle for every scrap of power she has and it shows.

Miss is managing to stay out of sight of the augurs which is a big relief. Also very funny that the animal masks are throwing the Belanger's off like this. I wonder if that was why the Kennet Others had them do their awakening ritual like that in the first place. 

Alexander was the one who got Charles forsworn apparently, which also means Alexander supports the private prison industry. Yet another reason this guy is cringe.

I know I've been taking Nicolette's side a lot in this interlude but like come on. They warned you to back off! You tried to mess with them and now you've been seriously messed up by the nettlewisp. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I only wish this didn't give Alexander more points on her.

Even though Alexander was friends with Charles he doesn't seem to know much about Kennet and the truth of its "patron".

Now the Belangers have Snowdrop and are trying to interrogate her, but they don't understand her gimmick. I think I know how this is going to turn out and I'm very eager to see it, especially now that Alexander has left. 

"You'll stay put and won't touch anything and be good?" "Yes. Absolutely." I love this God damn possum. She's skyrocketed past Alpeana, Marcica, and Guilherme to become my favorite Other in the story so far. 

Holy shit. Snowdrop just destroyed Nicolette's whole life if she can't catch her and fix the destruction. On the one hand go Snowdrop, but on the other I'm absolutely terrified of what this could mean for Nicolette.

Looking at the comments apparently a lot of people hated Nicolette? This is weird to me, but I'm also a big fan of Rose in Pact so I shouldn't be too surprised to find out my thoughts on a character like this are more positive than a lot of readers'. 

I loved this arc. So much happened in it, (especially towards the end) that I almost forgot some of the earlier chapters were part of the same arc, but that’s not a bad thing. It only makes it hard for me to summarize my thoughts here at the end. Lots of cool character building going on here as always. Avery, Lucy, and Verona are all great, and it’ll be interesting to see how they rank compared to Blake and Taylor by the end of this. Uhh, it was nice to meet more of the Others around town since we hadn’t got to see much of them, and I’m curious to see how the girls react to now having to deal with the Hungry Choir and the Belangers at the same time. That’s about it for my thoughts, but I do notice these seem to be getting longer so I may switch to doing one of these for each half of an arc. Let me know what you think of that though.

[myheartalivewrites]

Fic Rec Friday

Thanks for tagging me @14carrotghoul! 🧡 Since I'm late already, I'm saving this for Friday and turning it back into a Fic Rec Friday post. The theme was:

So wanted to get some hiatus rec lists going and encourage some self promo in my friends so how about sharing your top fics no matter how big or small - give us the links to your wonderful words with the Most hits/Most kudos/Most comments/Most bookmarks /Most words/Least words

I like a chance to share some of my stuff, so here we go:

Most hits: Down by the Water, I Saw You - this is my top fic for many of the categories, which I think is the case for most people's long fics. I do love this a lot, it's quite an angsty (and smutty) story of Henry and Alex as exes, finding each other again and getting over past hurts to be together. There's holidays (vacations, sorry America) and beautiful scenery, teen romance and adult love, and the epilogue goes deep into their future, and it truly holds my heart.

Most kudos: Have One (On Me) - this is a ~10k one shot starring Henry as a bartender and Alex as a patron who's desperately into him. I really like the banter in this, and there's a good bit of stuff with June and Nora that I think is really fun. There's a (very fundamental) misunderstanding, sexy dancing and lots of pining too (always, always be pining.) It still surprises me that this has the most kudos out of all my fics, not because I don't like it, but simply because I often wonder at what special kind of alchemy has to happen to make something pull in the most kudos.

Most comments: if I'm being strict, it's Down by the Water again (bc multi chaps, etc), so instead I'll highlight this one: Tumbled Down and Tangled Up. It got the most overnight comments of all my fics and people seemed to really like it! It's a take on canon where Alex and Henry hook-up in the hospital closet scene from early on in the book. It was really fun to write, and I still like to go back and re-read from time to time.

Most bookmarks: Pumped - ok, this is actually third place, but i've already mentioned the top two. This is my climbing AU and it's the first thing I ever wrote for firstprince and the first thing I published on ao3. It holds a special place in my heart, just two silly boys, falling in love and not knowing how to talk to each other - until they do.

Most words: listen, the system's completely broken down at this point, categories don't make sense anymore. Happy NY is only third by word count, but I think it's my favourite of all my fics, so I wanted to put it in here! It's a New Year's Eve story, a missed connection with plenty of angst and definitely smut. It's a similar vibe to Down by the Water bc I wrote it in the middle of finishing it up, and I think of them as sister fics. It just gives me all the feels.

Least words: well, well, what is even left at this point? I only have 9 fics on ao3! I'm going with Don't Want to be a Fool for You which is my most recent fic and pretty short (for me) at around 6k. It's a roommates story where Henry pines desperately, and they are definitely shit at talking to each other, but then sex ensues.

I've had fun talking over all my fics, now time to get back to my wip! Happy reading!

EDIT: forgot to tag! Anyone who hasn’t done this yet? @cultofsappho @daisymae-12 @celeritas2997 @stutteringpeach ? I’ve lost track!

[chronicbeans]

Persona 5 Royal Maladaptive AU

Okay, I got this idea in my brain that I wanna write down before I forget. Basically, Persona 5 Royal, except Maruki doesn't have a persona and, instead, is a maladaptive daydreamer (haha not me projecting onto my personal fave character-). Sumire never got brainwashed into believing she was Kasumi, due to Maruki never having the power to do so. Shibusawa is Maruki's roommate who helps him take care of himself, but is going to be moving soon, due to getting married soon.

Okay further info down below I guess.

Idk when Maruki's palace would take place, but I think it would be interesting to have it before Shido's. I'll get into that later. He isn't the school counselor anymore, instead being just... Some guy who wants to do great things, but just can't. He'd rather IMAGINE doing great things, because that is so much easier than actually going out and doing it. He'd rather imagine helping others, imagine continuing his research, and imagine what his life would be like if the attack never happened. Especially the last option.

He often visits Leblanc in order to have a place to sit in quiet. Sure, some people come in and talk, but it is rather quiet compared to other places. He just orders some coffee, puts on some headphones, and spaces out as he begins daydreaming about a better life. At home, he'll pace around as he daydreams, with those daydreams going on for hours if uninterrupted. For Maruki, these incidents only seem to last for a few minutes, when in actuality, hours have passed.

This is exactly why Shibusawa moved in to help make sure he takes care of himself. Maruki will forget to eat, drink, or really do anything if Shibusawa doesn't remind him. He'd even forget to sleep if no one reminds him. Due to Shibusawa getting married soon, he plans to move out. He is worried about Maruki, however, which results in him posting his request onto the Phantom Thieves Website. At this point, Akiren has probably already seen Maruki at the cafe a few times, but doesn't know him by name.

For his palace, I have a few possible designs. My favorite one is just having it be a bit chaotic, like an actual dream or daydream. Like liminal spaces all mixed together, with one door leading to a completely unrelated room to the last, a bit like how Maruki's daydreams just switch around. There is one end goal, however, which is a beach side wedding with Rumi, with a large cruise ship sailing by far off in the background (as a bit of a reference to, if the palace takes place before Shido's, to Shido having a palace and with him being involved with Maruki's past). Another design I like is based off of Alice in Wonderland, simply because of how Wonderland is usually seen as a form of escapism. The final design is just like, some sort of paradise on the surface, but if you look close, it is an elaborate set. You can move set pieces aside, exposing some sort of recording studio and revealing that everything is fake.

My version of his shadow self has a few quirky behaviors. He will repeat himself, trying to get a better version of his line, much like how someone will replay parts of their daydream because they thought of a better idea. An example would be if a phantom thief confronted him. He might say something like this:

"Who are you? Wait... What are you doing here?! Wait... Who... are... you...?"

He also is very vocal about how, yes, he knows his daydreams are fake. He will get very confrontational if people accuse him of being delusional or of believing his daydreams are real, because he really isn't. He just finds that his daydreams are too good to give up. There are a few more things he does, but he is great at hiding them.

His treasure would still be the newsletter, but in the palace it would be a wedding ring. I don't know what his keywords would be, simply due to not knowing what his palace would be.

Anyways that's my Au ramble of the day.