#repeating i am so normal to myself in the mirror

[whewchilly]

Qualifying at the Australian GP | 23 March 2024

[physalian]

On Writing Characters with Hyper-Specific Triggers (and a PSA)

*Trigger warning for this whole post

Once upon a time, I had a roommate. Nothing looked wrong from the outside and this narcissist probably thought nothing was wrong on the inside, but there was. I knew moving in with them was a mistake, but financial circumstances demanded I shut up and try to make the most of it. Enter the longest thirteen months of aPTSD-inducing psychological stalemate I hope to never repeat again. Seven of which were on overdrive.

The why doesn’t matter. The how doesn’t matter. What matters is that this roommate was so toxic, there was no point in attempting to talk things out because any little thing could be a land mine for starting an argument and it didn’t matter what casualties got caught in the crossfire, so long as this person “won”. Casualties including our friendship. So if any little thing, anything at all, could be a land mind, what do you do if not try to completely avoid them? For seven months.

This person’s work schedule was incredibly erratic, but they were gone more hours than not, and when they were home, they were usually asleep. In those few overlapping hours where we were both awake, I could not leave my room for fear of said verbal land mines. If I wanted to cook, leave the apartment, get anything from the living room or my desk that I had to abandon, get more water from the fridge, I had to do it before they got home, or after they went to bed, and I could never predict when they’d be home.

Luckily (or unluckily), my room faced the parking lot, and this roommate drove a car that made a very specific sound. From the moment I heard that car from my room, I had about 20 seconds to shut down whatever I was doing in the apartment, retreat to my room, and lock the door. Overreacting? Potentially, I wasn’t in any physical danger, but this was seven months of near complete isolation from any other friends, and the fear of making it worse kept me silent.

So, 20 seconds from the moment I hear the telltale whine of that engine. If I couldn’t hear the car, our front door had a lock that chimes and I had about 7 seconds from the first chime to the door opening to get the fuck out of the way. I lost weight that I couldn’t afford to lose from being unable to cook past a certain time in the evening and staying locked in my room on their days off.

Seven months of only having a door chime and an engine to tell me when it was safe and when I had to run.

—

These chime locks are the new normal and one year removed from that apartment, every time I hear it and I’m already stressed, it’s a trigger.

Every time I’m on the highway and I see a dark grey sedan of that make, that is the most important car on the road until I make sure it’s not their car.

Every time I see a dark grey sedan parked in reverse, as they habitually did, that is the most important car in the parking lot until I make sure it’s not theirs.

Every time I have to drive near a certain location where they work, I am watching for that car.

I could pick it out from 200 others. I know the license plate, I know the license plate frame, I know what sticks to the windshield, I know what hangs from the rearview mirror. I would know that car rusted and crushed in an impound lot.

So. Today I drive home and I pass a rear-parked car one turn before my unit, and I think to myself, “that’s not X’s car, but I noticed it, I’m never not going to notice it.” It wasn’t the same make, model, or color, it was just a sedan with its nose sticking out and that was enough.

Then I turn the corner. And there it is. My ex-roommate’s car.

I shit you not it was like I had a warning from the Universe before it hit.

I don’t need to check the windshield, I know it’s theirs. I’ve seen it in my complex once before. The last time I did, I’d parked my own car and waited, got out, and hid between two others in the dark, waiting for this person to leave.

Today, in broad daylight, that car is empty. They happened to arrive while I was gone for 30 minutes. So I park, and I wait. I watch that car from my side mirror. I scan the sidewalk for them and I don’t see anything. I have frozens that can’t wait.

I’m thinking to myself, of all the parking spots in all the parking lots, of all the apartments in this godforsaken town, you parked right behind my spot.

Nothing happened, and even if we crossed paths, nothing probably would have happened (that’s how they worked, pretending nothing was ever wrong and that I was the crazy one). But I still waited, and when I decided to leave, I moved as fast as possible without drawing attention. One whole year removed from that person.

—

It doesn’t take physical abuse, or yelling and screaming and death threats. It doesn’t need to be a parent or a sibling, a relative, or a romantic partner. This person never touched me, never screamed (though they did yell on occasion), never actually threatened anything. They never called me names, were never direct with any of their insults, were never explicitly petty. I had no proof. Ever.

I just had example after example of every time they cut me down to feel smart, picked on me to feel better about themselves and project their own insecurities and jealousy, or used me as their emotional punching bag because of choices they made.

So a year after completely cutting them out, there’s that fucking car parked outside my apartment.

Media portrays “triggers” usually only in characters who are veterans. Noises that sound like gunshots, or thunder, fireworks, because that’s what we think of when we see PTSD—people who fought in wars.

It’s not like I sit around fixating on that car or that door chime (and actually with exposure to that chime every day with no consequences it’s gotten better), but that’s the point. They come out of nowhere when you least expect it. They don’t prepare you for their arrival, they just happen.

I didn’t have anything close to a panic attack, but nothing in the universe was more important in that moment than making sure I didn’t run into this person, until I calmed down.

Trigger attacks don’t have to be this big flashy thing, born of big flashy movements. It can be something as subdued as going quiet, staring at the thing, and your brain dumping everything else except all the potential outcomes of not escaping this situation immediately. It’s just a car. It’s not like an evil Big Dick truck with smokestacks and truck nuts and a MAGA flag on the back. It’s just a nerdy sedan that could belong to anyone.

—

So. PSA.

What you think might be an overreaction by someone you care about, they probably think is an overreaction, too. Did I want to have fate shit on my day and spend extra minutes under the hot sun when I have chores to do? No. But it happened.

What you think a trigger is supposed to look like or what the symptoms are supposed to be are not just what’s dramatic and flashy for the TV. Here I am writing a whole blog post about it instead of just moving on and I can't go back and check for typos because I don't want to have to reread it.

Do you want to die on a hill of “get over it” when someone you care about would love nothing more? Just. Be there for them.

And to writers, artists, anyone—it doesn’t have to be dramatic to be the most upsetting part of someone’s day. Including such simple things as a door chime, or the sound of an engine, really helps with visibility so people like me don’t think “I’m not allowed to feel this way, I didn’t actually suffer like a shell-shocked veteran”.

Most of us never will. That doesn’t make any of our hardships any less valid. Please be kind.

[mj-iza-writer]

"Why are you pulling away from me?", Whumper pulled Whumpee's leash harshly making them fall forward, "whatever is going on better stop before you get punished."

Whumpee whimpered as Whumper grabbed their collar and pulled them close.

"Please", Whumpee gulped, "please don't hurt me, I-I'm I'm", Whumpee started to stutter and shake.

"You're what?", Whumper impatiently pulled Whumpee until they were face to face.

"I'm nasty, and-and dirty. I think I smell", Whumpee gasped as the collar tightened.

Whumper looked at Whumpee with disgust, "what did you say?"

"I saw myself in the mirror earlier. How can you be okay with touching me and being near me", Whumpee gasped, "I-I can't breath very well."

Whumper realized and released their grip on the collar.

Whumpee fell down into Whumper's lap and scrambled to the floor to get away.

"Do I own you?", Whumper sat back.

"Huh?", Whumpee looked up in fear.

"Do I own you?", Whumper repeated, "is that not my collar around your neck?"

"Ye-yes master", Whumpee looked down and began fiddling with the dog tag.

"Are you saying I own things that smell and are dirty?", Whumper frowned, "is that a thing you should say about your master? That they own something gross."

"I-I'm sorry", Whumpee bowed, "I didn't mean it like that. I just..."

"It's not a pets place to say that they are dirty, it's their Master's place", Whumper sighed, "you are not allowed to have such human thoughts. Am I clear?"

"Y-yes Master, please forgive me", Whumpee kept their face into the carpet.

"Remember what belongs to me can't be dirty", Whumper lifted their leg and rested their foot on Whumpee's head, "am I clear?"

"Y-yes mas-master, please have mercy on me", Whumpee pleaded, face now shoved into the carpet by Whumper's foot.

A while later Whumper stood from their seat.

Whumpee shyly watched from the corner of their eye as Whumper left the room.

'They're mad at me', Whumpee sighed to themself, 'I'm an idiot.'

Whumpee heard water running, it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.

'Here comes my punishment', Whumpee groaned, 'I wonder if it will be scolding hot or ice cold', Whumpee almost wanted to run to Whumper to plead for forgiveness, 'will they hose me down, make me sit in it, or hold me under', these thoughts made Whumpee shake.

"Come"

Whumpee shook their head a little to get rid of the thoughts.

"Are you deaf? Come here", came the command again.

Whumpee quickly looked over to where the voice was coming.

Whumper stood with their hands on their hips, making their impatience known.

Whumpee quickly crawled to Whumper.

"About time", Whumper sighed, "you were thinking again, weren't you?"

"Yes Master, I'm sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways you were going to punish me. I hope I may find grace in your eyes, please", Whumpee begged.

"I'm not going to punish you", Whumper sighed, "I considered your feelings, and have decided to let you have a bath."

Whumpee looked at Whumper in shock.

"You mean it Master?", Whumpee couldn't believe what they had heard.

"Follow me", Whumper led the way to the bathroom.

Whumpee looked into the tub and saw a bath had been drawn with bubbles.

"These are for your hair and of course soap. Do you need any help, or can you manage?", Whumper pulled out a towel and wash cloth from a closet, "you can take as much time as you like."

"I can do it Master", Whumpee happily looked at Whumper, "thankyou so much for allowing me to clean up."

"You're welcome. I'll allow you to have a spa day once in a while as a treat that you must earn for good behavior. The better you are, the more I will add for you to enjoy", Whumper frowned, "I will help with your teeth and nails as I normally do, the rest you can do for yourself. I will continue taking care of your hair as well."

Whumpee nodded, "I could hug you right now, this means so much."

"I'd rather you didn't", Whumper frowned, "I'll be in the living room. Come find me when you're all done."

With that, the door was closed and Whumpee was alone.

They reached their arm into the water. It felt so warm, it sent goosebumps down their body.

They climbed into the tub and just sat in the water for a while. The bubbles sizzled on their skin.

A few more minutes passed, and they started to clean themself. They scrubbed every body part they could reach.

"This feels so good", Whumpee sighed in relief.

When the water started to cool, they unplugged the tub and watched the water level go down. They frowned at how much dirt and grime had come off.

Whumpee turned on the shower head and started to clean their hair.

When satisfied they lathered up their body one last time, and did their final rinse.

Whumpee dried themself with the towel, then wrapped the towel around their soaked hair.

They fiddled with their collar for a while. The thing was soaked, but Whumper didn't remove it, and they had no right to remove it on their own.

"Master didn't leave a brush for me", Whumpee looked around, "they did say they wanted to continue taking care of my hair."

Whumpee opened the bathroom door and got down to crawl.

Whumper smiled as Whumpee rounded the corner.

"Feeling better?", Whumper sat up.

"Y-yes master", Whumpee crawled to Whumper's legs and happily nudged their head against Whumper, "thankyou so much."

"Good, go ahead and sit down", Whumper pointed then reached for the brush, "I'll brush out your hair."

Whumper unwrapped the towel from Whumpee's hair and watched it fall to Whumpee's shoulders.

"I will admit you do smell better", Whumper started to run the brush through the damp hair, "I suppose that's nice."

"Did your pet have a good idea Master?" Whumpee looked up at Whumper, "I hope I did."

"Yes I suppose you were due for a wash", Whumper untangled some of the hair, "did you enjoy the bubbles?"

"Yes Master, they felt good", Whumpee looked up at Whumper again, "it all felt good."

"That's good", Whumper continued to brush until they were satisfied, "your hair feels softer as well."

Whumper eyed the collar, "I forgot to take this off, it's wet", they reached for the clasp and removed it, "we'll let this dry for a while."

Whumpee happily nudged their head against Whumper's leg again.

"I guess you are feeling better", Whumper leaned back, "climb up here, come on. I'm sure you would love a nap after that shower. Too much for a dog to do in an afternoon."

Whumpee did as they were told and climbed up onto the furniture. They rested their head on Whumper's lap.

Whumper patted Whumpee's head for a few minutes before resting their hand on Whumpee's back.

"My silly little pet having human thoughts", Whumper chuckled, "that stupid brain of yours should only worry about pleasing me, that's all it's good for."

Whumpee gently nodded, "yes Master, please forgive me", Whumpee whispered, "I will work hard and be a good pet for you Master."

"Very good", Whumper grinned, "now go to sleep."

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all. @villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived @sacredwrath @porschethemermaid @monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz @bloodyandfrightened @freefallingup13 @notpeppermint @cyborg0109 @idontreallyexistyet @thebejeweledwatercat @painfulplots @whumpbump @everythingsscary @skittles-the-whumpee @expressionless-fr @theforeverdyingperson @legendarydelusiongoatee @candleshopmenace @whumpanthems

[prideofcelestia]

❝when you repeat his words❞

« characters -> lucifer, asmodeus, solomon, diavolo, barbatos, luke, mephistopheles »

« gender neutral reader »

« headcanons »

« notes -> suggestive for lucifer's part, the way he is in the game... platonic for luke »

LUCIFER

His brows furrow.

"What is the meaning of this?"

When you mimic his displeased demeanour, he is almost sure that you are making fun of him.

Eyes narrowed, he stares at you for a while before sighing and bursting out into laughter, "You sure come up with the most random activities to have fun. It's cute."

Sure enough, you repeat his words.

"Hmmm? Why don't you follow me to my room and I will tell you about the latest activity I thought of? We can both take part in it and it won't be 'cute'," he smiles meaningfully.

ASMODEUS

"Awwww, you're such a cutie, trying to mimic my words!" he says. After a moment of pondering, he smiles seductively and coos, "I love love looove you, Asmo chan ♡.You are the brightest star on any stage! I swoon over your perfection, my lovely darling. Why don't you reserve all your hugs and kisses for me only? I want you all to myself! Oh, you are such a tease! Why do you leave me even for a moment? Please take me in your arms, right now and spoil me, my sweetheart!"

You are left speechless at the words he came up with on the spot. Since you didn't memoriese the words, you tried to satisfy him in your own way.

"Asmo, you know how I love you. You steal my attention when you walk into a room~"

He squeals, "Kyaaaa♡~ You did almost as good as the original! I knew you wouldn't disappoint me."

SOLOMON

He laughs at your antics and is amused to find you mimicking that sound too. When he narrows his eyes, you know that the cogwheels in his head are turning with some idea of its own.

"I am glad that I have a good teacher," he says coyly, waiting for you to reply. The smirk on his face makes you falter. You realise that irrespective of your reply, he will have his fun so you shrug and give up.

LUKE

When you stay silent, his smile widens. "Seems like your teacher taught you well. You know when to quit. Hahaha."

He blushes when he notices, his initial surprise fading away. Normally he would consider it rude but since it's you, he knows you're not making fun of him. So he's fine with it.

"H-Hey! Why are you repeating my words?"

"And the cute chihuahua says, 'H-Hey! Why are you repeating my words?'." you tease.

"I am NOT a chihuahua!" he pouts with hands formed in fists.

"I am NOT a chihuahua!" you bellow in an exaggerated manner and sulk.

Luke looks upset so you drop the act.

BARBATOS

He doesn't really react so you are left wondering if he even realised what you are doing.

"Barbatos, did you notice that I repeated the exact words you said? And copied your mannerisms too?"

"Why, yes, of course I did." he answers with soft laughter escaping his lips. " If I may take the liberty, allow me to say that I quite enjoyed it. And now, if you will quench my curiosity, why did you do so?"

His curious eyes fixed on you, taking you quite by surprise. "Eh... I was just having fun."

"Ah, I see. If it makes you happy, I will like to see you continue your endeavour."

A blush dusts his cheeks as he continues, "If I may be so bold, I will be really happy to know that I am the only one you mimic."

DIAVOLO

He finds the whole experience highly enjoyable.

"Oh, is this a human world game where you mimic the other's words? Hahaha I think this is an innovative way to bring people together."

The twinkle in his eyes makes you answer his question rather than continuing your prank. "Yes, it's really fun."

"Ohhhh? Is it my turn to repeat your words now?" he muses. Mirroring your actions, his voice echos, "Yes, it's fun."

You laugh at his seriousness so he joins you - half for the game, half because he wants to share the moment with you.

When Barbatos finds you two like that, he quickly exits. The sacred moment need not a third participant.

MEPHISTOPHELES

"I don't have time for this," he says when you stare at him for a while without speaking. "If you have something to say, say it."

He frowns when you repeat his words.

"Has the cold and lack of sun gotten to your head? You were the one who came to me."

He looks irritated when you mimic him again.

"I am a demon. I am used to the cold and lack of sun.... Ah I see. I read about a game like this in the human world. Why don't you find another victim, like Lucifer? I would love to know how he reacted."

The idea seems to please him so much that he starts daydreaming on the spot.

[elicathebunny]

MIRROR WORK + AFFIRMATIONS -

BASED ON 21 DAYS TO MASTER AFFIRMATION BY LOUISE HAY.

Mirror Work was a method originally developed by inspirational teacher Louise Hay as a way of getting in touch with the inner self. The primary purpose of mirror work is to develop self-love, self-care, and a more meaningful relationship with others. - Loner wolf

"The mirror reflects back to you the feelings you have about yourself. It makes you immediately aware of where you are resisting and where you are open and flowing. It clearly shows you what thoughts you will need to change if you want to have a joyous, fulfilling life."

The principles of mirror work:

Use affirmations that feel authentic to you

Dedicate at least two minutes every day

Do mirror work in private so that you aren’t disturbed (or feel the need to keep your guard up)

It’s okay to feel emotional – let yourself feel whatever comes up

Keep a journal where you record any notable experiences

"The more you use mirrors for complimenting yourself, approving of yourself, and supporting yourself during difficult times, the deeper and more enjoyable your relationship with yourself will become."

Affirmations

What are they?

The practice of positive thinking and self-empowerment

"Affirmations are anything you say or think. A lot of what people normally say and think is quite negative and doesn’t create good

experiences. You have to retrain your thinking and speaking into positive patterns if you want to heal your life."

Examples of changing negative words from into positive affirmations:

I hate my body. BECOMES I love and appreciate my body.

I’m not creative. BECOMES I am discovering talents I did not know I had.

I’m stuck in a lousy job. BECOMES Wonderful new doors are opening for me all the time.

I’m not good enough. BECOMES I am in the process of positive change, and I deserve the best.

"When you catch a negative thought, just think to yourself: That is an old thought; I no longer choose to think that way. Then find a positive thought to replace it as quickly as you can."

Examples of affirmations to practice for self-love: - aldohappy

I am worthy of love, respect, and compassion.

I am deserving of happiness and success.

I am a strong and capable person.

I love myself

I am able to create the life I want.

I am beautiful, inside and out.

I am free to be myself.

I approve of myself

I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them

Find affirmations suited to your needs or create your own.

"Do this three or four hundred times a day, at least. No, it’s not too many times. When you are worrying, you go over your problem at least that many times."

"Give negative thoughts no importance. Just see them for what

they are—another way to keep you stuck in the past. Gently say to these thoughts, “I let you go; I approve of myself".

If you become hesitant about affirming affirmations, look within yourself and find the reasons why. Do you know?

Repeat and affirm positive affirmations to yourself with emotion. Don't just say the words for the sake of them. Really feel what you're saying and meditate on it. If you hate yourself and begin to affirm your love for yourself, really feel what that means to love and embrace yourself again.

[anauro]

I’ve been going through my Google docs and found this alternative ending to ch20 of Drugs and surgical scrubs aka what would happen if Regulus didnt blurt out “the Barty and Rel thing”

“You know how sometimes friends decide to fuck up the friendship with sex?” Evan didn’t wait for an answer, before carrying on, “they say it’s just gonna be a one time thing, that it won’t change anything, but it actually does change pretty much everything. And then the other person expects things to get back to normal and I want it too, don’t get me wrong, I really do. But I can’t.” Evan looked at him pleadingly. “I can’t.”

Regulus felt anxiety weave its way into his brain. He set down his coffee and looked Evan in the eyes.

“What exactly are you telling me, Evan?”

In the peripheries of his vision, Regulus could see Evan’s nails digging into his palm. His breath hitched in his chest as Evan opened his mouth.

“Me and Barty slept together.”

Oh.

The air got knocked out of Regulus’ lung and his vision went black as Evan’s words settled in.

Evan and Barty slept together.

His two best friends. Straight. Fucked each other.

This better be a fucking joke.

But Evan didn’t look like he was joking. Instead, he mirrored Regulus’ terror, both of them staring at each other with pure fear.

Regulus cleared his throat. “Come again, sorry?”

“I slept with Barty.”

The pain that exploded in Regulus’ heart was overwhelming, each heartbeat spreading it further around his body.

“But…but you’re both straight,” he managed to squeak out.

“No, that’s the problem, Reg.” Evan reached forward and grabbed Regulus’ hand. Regulus allowed it, too shocked to protest. “I don’t think I’m straight and it scares the crap out of me,” he said in hushed voice. “I… you’ve known me since I was a little kid, so tell me. Am I different now? Does this change anything?”

Regulus wanted nothing more than to run away from here and be sick in some bathroom and then challenge Barty about this new development.

The pain in his chest was not easing off and Evan’s fingers around his hand felt like blades, seeping the poisonous venom into Regulus.

The same fingers held Barty’s hand. Touched him.

Regulus closed his eyes shut.

“Liking men isn’t a bad thing, Evan,” he forced the words out of his mouth. “It doesn’t change who you are. You were always like this, you just didn’t realise until now.”

“So I lived over twenty six years of my life without knowing? What other things am I hiding from myself then, huh? From you?”

Regulus shook his head, biting on his bottom lip. He didn’t want to have this conversation with Evan, least of all now. But when he opened his eyes and saw the desperate look on Evan’s face… Evan was still his friend. Even if Regulus hated him at that very moment.

“I’m gay, Evan.”

Surprised flickered through Evan’s face.

“You… what?”

“I’m gay, Evan,” Regulus repeated, wringling his hand free. “I’m gay and I always have been and there’s nothing wrong with me, so there’s nothing wrong with you either.”

Evan watched him, utterly astonished.

“Don’t give me this look, Ev,” Regulus sighed. “I didn’t tell you before, because it wasn’t relevant. You guys were doing your girls and I… I was hooking up with men all along.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Regulus scrunched up his nose. “What are you sorry for?”

“For making you feel like your sexuality wasn’t relevant. For not being enough of a good friend that you felt safe coming out to. For that… I’m sorry.”

Oh.

A warmer feeling started to spread through Regulus’ body, originating at the fingertips Evan held just a moment ago. It eased Regulus’ heartache, an aloe vera to his soul.

“It’s okay, Evan,” he said quietly. “It was me who didn’t want to come out to you guys rather than you doing anything.”

“Man, look at us,” Evan mused. “We could have been having awesome gay sex all throughout uni.”

Regulus swallowed down the bile that was coming up his throat.

“Yeah. We could have.”

He could have had Barty all along. For years, he could have had him.

If only he had said something.

“How did it happen?” The question was out of Regulus before he realised.

Evan gave him a confused look. “You mean me realizing I like women and men?”

“I mean you and Barty.” Even saying the words out loud burnt in Regulus’ throat. “How did it happen?”

“Oh.” Evan’s smile faltered. “It… just kind of did? I said I’ve been having thoughts about men and he offered and I agreed.”

“He offered?” Regulus all but choked out.

Was that how easy it was to get Barty all this time?

All he had to do was ask and Barty would offer?

[markusyounger]

i want to share about a dream i just had which contained characters from the comic randal’s friends. i illustrated it for your understanding (i did each sketch in a minute or less so i apologize for the quality)

in this dream, i first remember looking into a mirror. the mirror was small, like a picture frame. instead of myself, i saw luther gazing back at me.

i immediately accepted that i was now luther, so i had to go tell my little brother, randal, what was going on.

“Brother, I am having a nightmare.”

my veins were popping out of my hand as i wrapped my fingers over his doorframe. he turned to me

“You are.”

his expression looked almost evil, i still accepted it as normal because i was his brother. i awoke in a start, but not as myself.

i get up, look in the tiny mirror, realize who i am, and go to tell my little brother about the dream i had, and the dream i am in. my veins look like worms trying to escape my hand as it shakes against his doorframe.

my drawing did not do it justice so i will not be showing it, but his head was completely warped. his flesh moved around to a disk like shape, resembling an american football.

he still says the same thing to me,

“You are.”

and i wake up again. and again. over and over and over again

i lost count of how many times this repeated. each time randal was more and more distorted, yet he had the same words for me every single time.

“You are.”

this dream felt as if i was trapped in my head for weeks, in this little loop, until it wasn’t quite a loop.

i wake up, look in the mirror. it’s luther, but the mirror is shattered. the piece of metal looks as if it has been punched by someone right in the middle. the fragments mostly distort luther’s face, but on the edges it is different.

in the top right corner i can see myself, my real self, staring back at me with eye bags that i earned from not sleeping for days. on the middle left edge i can see some of randal’s hair. it looks different from all the other loops, prickly.

in the top left corner, i see my little sister with a black eye smiling somberly at me.

i tried to smile back, but the mirror shattered as i moved luther’s facial muscles. the pieces hit me in the throat, making it hard to breathe.

i continue the loop by walking down to my little brother’s room. he looks warped and emaciated, almost like a malnourished giraffe.

i need to say my line, but the glass sends a shooting pain through my body as i stutter out

“B B B B B B B B B B”

luckily, he finishes for me

“You are having a nightmare”

i seize up immediately. his mouth moves like a wicked stopmotion video, from an eerie line to fully gritted teeth with ever syllable. his entire face is bruised with blood leaking from his nose.

he turns toward me fully with two more words

“Wake up”

so i did. i didn’t wake up as luther. i was really awake, in my body. i could blink. almost instinctually, i start to walk to my little brother’s room, but i remembered i don’t have a brother, i have a sister.

to be honest, i don’t really want to sleep again after that.

[stilljuststardust]

heyy stardusr, everything ok? wanted to ask something is in my mind a few days, i'm studying shifting since 2 weeks ago, and i understood that the main goal is to believe that its done and ignore the 3d, but what I didnt understood is, how can I know that i'm not just fooling myself? and assuming that i believed, my subconscious will work in reflect my 3d to my 4d? because i dont know if my 3d will just reflect randomly, like i take a nap and wake up in my DR, or just happens in any time. thank you a lot for your posts!!!

Hi!

(I know I JUST posted that I was going on a break and I am but a break for me really just means I'm not putting pressure on myself lol)

You know it's true because you say it is. You decide what is and isn't true.

I know it can feel really unnatural at first because we're taught our entire lives that the physical world is king, it decides whats true, it decides what you have and what your are.

So trying to accept that it's really just a mirror your internal reality can be really scary because it goes against everything we're taught.

Your subconscious believes everything you tell it, it doesn't know the difference between "fooling" yourself and normal thought.

We often fall into patterns when thinking, most of the thoughts we think are ways we have thought before, so all I'm asking you to do is break the pattern and create a new habit. And the key to any new habit is repetition. Think your thoughts as if you have exactly as you want.

Flipping your thoughts

"It doesn't feel like I'm in my DR" to "I can feel my DR"

Change any thought that doesn't align with what you want into something that does

Robotic affirmations

"I shift so easily"

Find a phrase that implies you have what you want and just repeat it over and over until it becomes habitual.

I have a schedule for when to affirm in my master list under "challenges". It's pretty basic just when you wake up and before you go to sleep.

You can do other things while you affirm, you can do chores or shower or anything really you don't have to mediate on it.

Live in the end

I know you asked me about this before and it seemed to confuse you so I'll elaborate.

All you have to do to live in the end is think about your desire as if you already have it and live your life that way.

"Oh right, I literally shift all the time. Why would I worry?"

None of these techniques require emotion, you can feel like shit, you can feel discouraged or anxious, it won't stop you.

[1863-project]

For the anon Pokémon asks: which battle subway conductor is the cutest?

Okay, this may get long, so bear with me.

First, a little disclaimer: Ingo and Emmet both make me feel incredibly seen. I was born in 1989 and wasn't diagnosed with autism until 2009, and I never got to see characters like me. I'd see some who were similar to me, or some with things in common with me, but Ingo and Emmet feel like looking in a mirror to me, to the point that I don't go in the Submas tag because I've seen too many people perpetuating the ableism that got me bullied as an undiagnosed autistic kid. Every time an autistic or autistic-coded character is portrayed as "weird" or "off-putting" or "too intense" or "scary," it's repeating things that my bullies used to excuse their behavior towards me and essentially treat me and my autism as entertainment. Most people aren't doing this, of course, but since I'm in the process of working through a lot of that trauma, I choose not to take the chance of exposing myself to it because I'd rather heal instead of open old wounds again and again.

Anyway, with that said, I adore them both, but only one of them makes me act like a giddy teenager.

I have the most ridiculous fictional character crush on Emmet. It's unreal. Part of that is likely the fact that if he was real we'd actually be extremely compatible, but unfortunately for me, he is not, and so I can't take him on locomotive photo charter dates and kiss him on the City Hall looparound on the 6 Train. That aside, here's what I genuinely like about the goober.

He's deeply passionate about what he loves.

It's that passion that often gets people like him and me labeled as "too intense," but when he likes something, he really likes something. Battling is like air to him. When you befriend him in Masters EX, you find he'll actually talk your ear off about battling if you give him the opportunity. He vibrates with excitement when he sees strong trainers.

[Image description: Emmet and Ingo, two adult identical twin men with knife-shaped sideburns wearing exaggerated versions of railroad conductor uniforms, stare off to the left at people who are off-screen. Emmet, in a white uniform, is holding his hands at his sides but his hands are in an excited, almost 'grabby' position; Ingo, in a black uniform, also has his hands at his sides but his hands are balled into fists. Ingo's Excadrill, a Pokemon that looks like a mole combined with a tunneling machine, stands in front of him. End description.]

In this screenshot from Masters EX, Emmet and Ingo have just run into Steven Stone and Roark. Emmet is barely holding back, and you can tell by looking at his hands. He wants to battle now. It's delightful that he's in a franchise of video games where that passion is normalized and encouraged. (As long as he never visits Paldea, anyway. Nemona is proof of how well that would go.)

Battling makes Emmet genuinely so happy and excited and I love when people get that way about their hobbies. It's so nice to see passionate people. Emmet even says he's excited about it when you battle him in Black and White and beat him at the highest level possible:

"I am Emmet. I am a Subway Boss, but I lost against you again. But I feel good. Because it was very fun! You want to win, and I don't want to lose. That's real. When we clash in battles, I feel very excited!"

[Source]

He lives for this, so much that even losing a really intense, serious battle feels good. And it's a delight. But, of course...

[Image description: Emmet, described above, claps his hands together excitedly and says "Winning a serious, hard-fought battle is the best feeling in the world!" with a huge smile on his face. End description.]

...he, in his own words, likes winning "more than anything else."

He's verrrry direct in his communication...but also verrrry supportive.

Autistic folks are often told we're too blunt, and to neurotypicals, who are used to saying things more indirectly, we can come off as a bit...too direct to them, to say the least. Arguably the best example of Emmet doing this is in the PokeSpe manga, where he just says things without a filter.

[Image description: a manga panel in which Emmet bluntly tells trainer White, "Yes, we're studying you as an example of a trainer who gets overwhelmed and loses every single match." The next panel leads off with Ingo saying "That's not nice, Emmet..." End description.]

But that bluntness isn't intended maliciously, he just has no filter and says what's on his mind. In reality, he's delightfully supportive and friendly, and that honesty leads to the most wonderful exchanges with him:

[Image description: two screenshots of Emmet from Pokemon Masters EX, smiling softly. His dialogue reads, "Hi, Steph! Your smile is always the best. Perfect! Whenever I see you, I can't help but smile, too! I'll have to make sure my smile is just as good as yours!" End description.]

As a side note, this dialogue has been destroying me for over two years now, and every time I boot up the game and he says this I feel my face get warm. He's actually helped me stop being self-conscious about my smile.

He has a habit of listening in on things, even if he has no intention of gossiping or anything. He just likes knowing stuff.

It's a habit he seems to share with his brother, but Ingo is significantly less obvious and more apologetic about it. Emmet's just really funny about it.

[Image description: two manga panels and one screenshot from Masters EX. The first manga panel shows Emmet marching over to White and Bianca as they have a discussion, saying, "I'm overhearing an interesting discussion over here. It seems profound, so I'm going to stand nearby and listen in. Oh, don't let me distract you. Go on. Keep talking." The second panel shows Emmet cupping his ear with his hand and still attempting to listen in on the discussion from one subway car away, with Ingo standing behind him. The screenshot from Masters EX shows Ingo hiding his eyes with his hat and saying, "I apologize for eavesdropping, but we happened to overhear your conversation at the Pokemon Center" as Emmet stands beside him, hands on his hips and smiling with no shame. End description.]

He doesn't use the information maliciously, and a lot of the time he doesn't even use it at all. He just enjoys hearing these things and knowing all sorts of weird drama is going on elsewhere. It's like when you find out about drama in a fandom you're not in and you read the posts and eat popcorn. It's great.

He likes his work uniform because it helps his posture.

As a fellow "leans forward too much" autistic, this one really resonates with me and I love it.

[Image description: A screenshot of Emmet in Pokemon Masters EX. He's standing straight up and holding the brim of his hat with his hand. His dialogue reads, "Wearing it gets me motivated, of course! It also helps me stand up straight and tall!" End description.]

He stops scripting when he gets to know people better because he's able to trust them.

Notice how his dialogue in BW and BW2 is on the Battle Subway - "I'm Emmet. This is my job. I like doubles. This is why I like doubles. Here are the safety checks." He's scripting around people he's not familiar with, and it's the sort of thing that gets autistic people labeled as "robotic" by people who don't know it's a way to help us maintain some semblance of control over an unfamiliar situation. The preprepared dialogue is a coping method in an ableist world. But when you get to know him in Masters, the scripted dialogue shows up a lot less. He's able to talk genuinely and excitedly to you, because he knows you're safe to be around and you're not going to judge him for who he is. That hits me hard.

He has the most adorable goddamned laugh in the world and it kills me on the daily.

This is a lot more in line with my personal tastes, as everyone who knows me well knows, but that damn laugh makes me all fluttery inside and weak in the knees. And he does it a LOT.

This update to Masters EX, where the characters laugh if you tap on them on the upgrade screen, destroyed me, and multiple people were apparently waiting for me to find it and die because I'm really predictable. I may or may not regularly pull the screen up just to poke at him and hear this. It's...not fair.

This one is...also unfair. I won't elaborate in public on what I think when I hear it because it's embarrassing.

So, uh...yeah. I really, really like Emmet a lot. I'm really normal about Emmet. I promise.

[celestial-corner-of-desires]

Good day~ Reading that Dietfrid request of mine… I fell in love with your writing style. I appreciate it so much! You truy are a wonderful writer. May I request something else for him? More soft moments, maybe s/o hugging him from behind and burying the head against his back? Calm and soft moments, yes. I think, Dietfried is in dire need of something like that. Even though he is a difficult character with enough negative traits, I see them as a mask, I think he needs someone, with whom he can just drop that mask of an arrogant, cynical and cold person (after reading all VE novels, I think, he's actually not like that), and just accept some warmth, care and love into his life.

I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it!

Sorry for taking long to write this, I wanted to add a little element of angst to spice things up. As always, I hope you will like this one as well.

"So, when I can expect you to be home?"

"I am not quite sure. Depending on the weather, I should return before the sun sets."

You watched as Dietfried dressed himself, buttoning up his shirt and straightening up his tie in the mirror. Deciding to admire your lover from behind, you lean yourself against the doorframe, mesmerized by his features. From his tall build, and broad shoulders that frame his body so perfectly, to his huggable waist that you like to hold tight when tackling him from behind for surprise cuddles. Until the memory from the previous night's activities flashes through your mind, remembering the intimacy and passion that Dietfried unleashed upon your body, imprinting himself all over you. As you got lost in his appealing appearance, Dietfried closed his eyes, before arrogantly smirking at how much your eyes were eating him up.

"Darling, I am trying to dress myself, no need to undress me. Unless…" You break out of your daydream as you hear his voice. Sighing, Dietfried turns around, slowly moving towards you. He wraps one of his arms around your waist, gently picking up your chin with his hand, to look at his crystalized emerald eyes, ignited by the light of his love for you. "You wish to repeat yesterday's events. I must say, I wouldn't have known that you enjoyed being pla-"

Flames cover your cheeks from his teasing, quickly moving your head out of his hand, only to bury your face in his neck. Your mind is melting from embarrassment. You suddenly hear Dietfried chuckling, before breaking down in laughter.

"You know how easy it is to play with your mind, don't you?"

"Keep this up, and not only are you going to be late for your meeting, but also sleep on the couch tonight, mister." You muffle into his neck, refusing to look at, him to avoid being more embarrassed.

"Haha, alright, alright, I will play nice." He places a soft kiss on your temple, before heading to put shoes on. By the time he tied his shoes, you took up his coat to put on him, before giving him his scarf and suitcase. It was getting chilly lately in Leidenschaftlich, and as much as you would like to take care of and nurse your sweet lover, you knew how much he hates to have extra work when he can avoid it.

"Please try to not overwork yourself today, ok dear? Dark bag eyes don't suit your handsome face."

"Heh, I will try my best, but can't promise too much. I will see you soon, my love."

Dietfied leans forward to give you a tender kiss on the lips, engraving the sweet feeling of your soft lips into his mind for an energy boost. He turns his heels towards the front door, opens the door, and walks out.

That was 9 hours ago.

Dietfried normally doesn't spend long hours at work unless he notifies you of his late arrival. However, no letter has come. It was already past 5:30 in the evening, as you started to pass around your home, wondering where your loved one could have been. You knew that there would be consequences when you started to date the naval captain of Leidenschaftlich. Even after the end of the war, there were still sections of enemy forces who wished to avenge their fallen nation. The assassination attempt wasn't out of the realm of possibilities. You recall the incident a few months ago when the group of enemy spies planted bombs on the bridge to cause catastrophe. Though they were stopped, that doesn't mean they couldn't try something more dangerous to cause even more casualties. The anxiety sank into your bones as if mercury had been injected into your body, turning your bones into icicles.

What happened? Why isn't he here? Why didn't he tell you if he was going to be late? What if something occurred during his work shift? Was he ambushed by the fallen enemy nation's rebellion spies? As you got lost in your thoughts of every worst-case scenario possible, you didn't hear the noise of the front door opening. A shadow walks through the door, placing the shoes on the shoe stand. Tears start to threaten to fall from your eyes, as the panic slowly kicks in. You shake your head, trying to calm yourself. Maybe some fresh air will cool you down, you thought. Yeah, don't panic. Just take a deep breath. You might be overreacting a bit.

Closing your eyes as you sighed, you turned towards the front door. As you opened your eyes, you saw something….

There stood Dietfried smiling, holding a bouquet of roses, decorated with bougainvilleas, bringing out devotion and admiration to your soul. Tears began to fall across your cheeks, feeling numb from the sight in front of you. Dietfried's bright eyes filled with concern, turning the beautiful bright green field into a sea of worry and anxiety. He walks up to you, wrapping both of his hands, while holding you with one arm and bouquet in the other, trying to ask what happened, only for you to wrap your arms around his neck, sinking into his warmth. The sudden sensation of relief washes over you. Your heart can't help but soar with bliss as it feels your loved one's heartbeat. The tranquility settles into your bones, finally feeling like the world's equilibrium has been restored.

Choosing to let you calm down before questioning you, Dietfried hugs you back. After working all day, Dietfried wanted to surprise you with some flowers and a nice walk out downtown. He would have gone home earlier, but the boutique of flowers that was carrying bougainvillea was on the other side of the city, forcing him to arrive a couple of hours late. As he walked back home, his heart was singing the melody, calling out for your heart so it could dance listening to songs of yours and his love. Each step he took was bringing him closer to your warm smile, your bubbly laughter, your gentle hold, and your sweet lips. There is not a day that goes by where Dietfried doesn't fall in love more than he did a day before. Heavens, even seconds ago. But as soon as he stepped into his house, and witnessed the tears streaming down your face, his instincts kicked in. Seeing the tears slowly dying out from your eyes, Dietfried picked up your chin, kissing both of your cheeks before planting a light kiss on your lips. He wanted to make sure that you were okay, as your sadness was his sadness as well. Taking a big sigh, you looked at Dietfried's eyes, as if you were trying to figure out if he was real or a ghost of your memory.

In a light tone, as if it was any higher the room would shatter like a glass, you whisper, "Where were you, my Dietfried?"

Shifting his hand from your chin to the top of your head, softly patting it, he whispered back, "I wanted to surprise you, but it seems to backfire a notch, wouldn't you agree?"

A faint giggle escapes your lips, "You had me worried sick, you big dummy! I thought you got in trouble or attacked by enemy spies. There wasn't any letter from you, so I assumed that something must have happened, and knowing how many people are willing to assassinate-"

"Hey, hey. Take a deep breath with me, wouldn't you dear?" Listening to his instructions, you simultaneously let out a fair sigh. Dietfried smiled at how relaxed your body became. "You know more than anyone, that nothing will prevent me from coming back home into your arms, right? It will take more than a hundred men to keep me away from your sweet love and kisses. I will always be yours, even if we are not physically together. Everything is perfect."

"Since when did you become a romantic poet, my love?"

"What do you mean? I am always lovely to you, my love."

Feeling a bit exhausted from all of the emotional rollercoaster, you almost forgot about the bouquet.

"So, what's the occasion? Are you taking me out for dinner tonight? Trying to bribe me to play around this evening? Remembered something you forgot to do, and now trying to apologize for it, hm?"

"Oh c'mon! Can't I bring my beloved one something without having any reason?" Smiling at him, you shake your head before burying your face in his neck. He smelled so angelic. Every moment you two shared the smallest intimate moment felt like the brightest colors of nature blossomed from your love for one another.

As the couple remained in each other’s embrace for some time, the time turned to late evening, leading to a couple preparing for the nighttime. Upon taking care of all of their night routines, you and Dietfried lay down in bed. As Dietfried turned off the light, and placed his head on the pillow, even before he got the chance to turn to you, you hugged him from behind, burying your face into his back.

"I love you."

He smiled, wrapping his hands around your smaller arms. "I love you you too." Feeling that you were fast asleep, Dietfried glanced at his jacket hanging on the dresser.

Next time, I will ask her.

(Do not repost without permission. Sharing is allowed with credits.)

[howboringislife]

Promise

Paring: Reiner Braun x gn!reader

Cw: fluff, fluff, FLUFF cause my baby boy Reine need comfort <3

Words count: 867

Masterlist

“NO!”

You suddenly woke up when you heard a yell just beside you. Your eyes widened as you looked at your lover Reiner who was acting pretty weird in his sleep. His face was covered in sweat, and he had a frown, moving around like crazy. “No… please don’t!” He whined and grabbed the covers. “Please… I’m so sorry! I didn’t want this, no!”

You quickly understood that he was having a nightmare. It was happening times to times, when he had a bad day or if he was anxious. You couldn’t support to see him this scared, this panicked. Waiting a bit to see if he would calm by himself, you realized that his nightmare only worsens. Reiner was shaking and even crying. “Reiner? Hey, wake up!” You said softly, caressing his face.

No respond. His cries and whines only persisted. Shaking his arm to try to wake him up, you felt so bad for him. Finally, your boyfriend woke up after a few seconds, his eyes opening suddenly, and he sprung on his elbows. His breath was erratic, the sweat forming small beads on his nape and forehead. Panicking, he glanced around and when he realized that he was awake, he jumped into your arms. “Y/N! D-Did y-you saw t-the Titans?!” He asked, trembling like a leaf.

Caressing his head while he nuzzled into your chest, you comforted him. “Rei… you just had a bad dream; we are safe now. It’s all behind us.” Your soft and low voice seemed to calm him down a bit as he stopped to shake. “Y-Yeah, it’s just a-a bad dream.” He repeated, trying to comfort himself. Even if Reiner was tall and well-built, he was such a softie inside. Of course, he would never assume it and your lover often tried to hide this soft side of him but with you… it was impossible. Just looking into your eyes as you hug him and comfort him is enough to make him cry.

You gently wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Was your bad dream about the war again?” You asked softly. Reiner quickly nodded “Y-Yeah, I saw m-myself into a Titan and I-I was… killing innocent people.” He started to cry again “I-I’m such a monster.” His words made you frown. “Reiner Braun, don’t you dare to say this again. You are the kindest and sweetest person I ever met. It’s not your fault, you were just a child when all of this happened. I know you didn’t mean it.” You replied, kissing his forehead.

Reiner nodded; he knew that you were saying the truth, he was just a small child when Marley decided that he would be a Titan Shifter. He didn’t want to do anything of this. And even if after he switched side, fighting with the Eldians, the small voice in his head continued to say that he was still a monster. “Y-You’re right.” He said, taking a deep breath and he was finally able to breath normally. “It’s not my fault.” He added with a nod.

You smiled as your partner accepted the fact that he wasn’t a killer. “Hey, I will make you a cup of warm tea while you go wash your face, you’re all sweaty.” You said, getting out of the bed and yawning. “A-Are you sure? I mean, I can do it by myself, I’m the one who woke you up…” Reiner said with a little guilty voice. “Tsk, don’t say silly things, I am your lover, I will always be there for you.” You responded and went to the kitchen to make some tea.

Your boyfriend couldn’t help but smile. “Y/N is amazing, I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful lover.” He thought and got up too, going to the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, sweat all over his face, his hair all messy… Reiner quickly shook his head, washing his face and wiping it with a towel before joining you in the kitchen where you were sitting at the table with two cups of tea on it.

He made a little smile and took one cup, sipping the warm tea. He was totally calm now and he grabbed your hand, squeezing it gently. “Thank you to share your nights with me. I know I often wake you up and have nightmares but… I will try to improve it, I promise.” Reiner said softly. “I believe in you, my Rei.” You said with a sweet smile and kissed his lips softly. You knew that things couldn’t change completely. He will always have nightmares but now as much as before. Yes, some days will be more difficult than other, where he will have the impression that the darkness consumed him all but with you beside him and hope, Reiner will be able to be even stronger.

You knew for what you signed up when you said those two simple words at your marriage. “I do.” It was a promise. A promise that you will always stay by his side, no matter what. A promise that you knew what you will face. A promise that will never be broken.

[starryeyedpoet17]

A little something I wrote:

I have been waiting my whole life for this day to come. Now that it has I can’t stop shaking. Everyone I love is here for Eddie and I. I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. For Eddie to come up to me and say this is all a joke. For him to say he no longer loves me. I pace around in my hotel room. I stop infront of the mirror and look at myself. I hair is swept up into a beautiful bun with delicate flowers placed in. My white dress accentuates my curves. My heels are killing my feet. I have to go find Robin. I run out of my hotel room. I speed walk to the venue room. Everyone is talking amongst themselves. No one really notices me. I look around for Robin. She’s the only woman in a suit you’d think it would be easy to find her.

Robin is in what looks like a deep conversation with Steve. Normally I would try to avoid Steve at all costs but I need Robin. I walk over to her in a haste. Steve is the one who clocks me first. He looks at me with his sorrowful brown eyes. I avoid his stare. I tap Robin on the shoulder. She turns around.

“What are you doing out here?! Eddie might see you!” She speaks in a high squeaky voice.

“I need you, come with me.” I say in a panic.

I grab her arm and lead her to the women’s restroom. I take a deep breathe and look over at Robin. She questioning me with her eyes. I don’t know if I have the strength to answer her. She’s just going to tell me I am being foolish.

“Butterball, what’s wrong?” She puts her hand on my shoulder.

“I need this to go right, Robin. I need this to happen.” I let out a sob “I can’t bear to think that Eddie will realize he does not want me.”

“Butterball, Eddie loves you. He is going to make this happen. You deserve that after what you have been through with men.”

I cry even harder and hold on to Robin tightly. I keep repeating between sobs that I don’t want this to fail. Everything always fails. I don’t know what I would do if Eddie ever failed me. I am sick an tired of feeling as if Eddie would ever doubt me. I just need to let go.

“Emory? What’s going on?” Robin moves out of Eddie’s way as he walks towards me.

He is so distraught all because I can’t believe this is real. Because I keep holding on to my past. Eddie doesn’t deserve this.

“Baby, stop making your self sabotaging face and tell me what’s going on.” Eddie wipes my tears away.

I cradle Eddie’s face in my hands. I stare into his big wet brown eyes. I work up the courage to tell him what I told Robin.

“I need this to go right. I-I need you to stay,” I cry. “I don’t know what I would do if this did not work out.” I say through a sob. “Promise me this will work out.”

Eddie just stares at me for a long time. I can tell he trying to think of what to say. Hell I wouldn’t even know what to say to that kind of out burst.

“Emory, I promise. You’re mine as I am yours. You deserve this. You deserve happiness.” He gentle holds my hands. “I need you as much as you need me. This will work out. I know it will.”

Let me know if I should continue with this and turn it into an actual story! Any feedback would be great! Sorry for any typos!

[seafearing]

@palmviolet this question was just too good (and difficult bcos of it) which is why i have been thinking about it for like six days. so sorry for this absolutely unhinged essay you are getting, feel free to. ignore lol

1 in the bleak midwinter, season 2, episode 6

this takes the number one spot because it's one i really remember hitting me upon watching it for the first time. his grave that's been dug out for him for the whole episode without him realizing it, then the acceptance in the mud and the field, the sequence where he actually falls into the grave with the dead bodies on top, i did fucking think he had died for a second there. and then he has to crawl out of it, and. then the realization that he has to keep going is what breaks him, and how that tells so much about his character and how it gets built up on and mirrored constantly the coming years.

oops this got long sorry i am entirely normal about this television series

2 did polly send you, season 6 episode 6

i can't not have this scene high up here. the symbolism throughout, with the crow, the fire, and the horse, his hallucination of his daughter and at this moment, imagining polly as well despite saying that polly would never visit him in his dreams again, that torn ugly heart of family, love and brutality, betrayal

and the sentimentality of spreading all these mementos of his loved ones in the caravan where he intends to die, like a kind of perverted version of him saying to campbell "i have my family". and alfie asking him, when will he stop, and "when i find the man i can't defeat", and that turned on its head and being manipulated into becoming the man he can't defeat, myself talking to myself about myself truly, as well as, most glaringly, the whole mental illness of it all. and, just i don't know i found it good storytelling not to have the main character that's struggled with mental health and suicidal ideation for the entirety of the series, die of suicide at the end for a shock ending of sorts. like i am so very glad that wasn't the twist in it all.

and then the continuation of this scene to the end. him with the gun in his hand once again, that addiction where he feels like god. and this time he doesn't pull the trigger, but it was never about pulling the trigger, it was having the power of being the one to choose. and they end it with him riding away with the white horse encased in fire. the obvious symbolism with how everything started with him arriving on the black horse, and also the mirror of how he blew up his house and walked away from it, repeated at the end. like sorry but this is poetry to me.

3 now you've seen me, season 1 episode 5

this was such a brutal and haunting scene that i really remember well from those early seasons. one of the few times we really see tommy lose it like this. used by the police much like he was used in the war, and then he snaps. and that betrayal, again. they were supposed to come, but they didn't come, the cavalry. and the vulnerability that he has afterwards, you see that it breaks him. that unavailable, closed off man he's become after the war, and you feel like, this is what was hiding underneath it all, these raw guts, the splattered, caved in skull. "now you've seen me," he says to grace, but he's also saying that to the audience. i do really like that their romance as well is always marked by them seeing this violence, the brutality in one another. "this one looks like it was killed by a wild fucking animal," and she marries him.

4 what fucking line am i supposed to have crossed, season 3 episode 6

i can't also not-mention this. i really enjoy pretty much all the characters in peaky blinders, but alfie is truly a wild one. he's sold tommy out again, and this huge rant he goes on after being confronted about it, it's just simply beautiful and so multi-layered that i feel too stupid to analyze it. just something about him unleashing this self-justified anger at tommy thinking he's above it all, and then to go, more softly: "i did not know about your boy, though." also the propensity of tommy always going back to him for more betrayal, just like he went back to grace after she betrayed him. this season, it doesn't even occur to him that alfie might have betrayed him (again): he interrogates his family, first. insane.

5 he just listened. and now he has no face, season 5 episode 4

god i love season 5, and this episode in particular. this whole sequence where the swan dies, in this episode where tommy keeps seeing his dead wife. the whole sequence is just, encapsulating love, betrayal and violence. lizzie going to hold tommy's hand as they watch the ballet, aberama proposing to polly, the reveal of linda and her raw confrontation of the violence and control, fuck. and then polly being the one to pull the trigger, and the swan, she does die. and the whole sequence that unravels afterwards with linda on the table is like something! out of a fucking renaissance painting!! it makes me unhinged!!

nooo and i didn't even include that sequence at the dinner table in s6 where the camera swiwels between the participants, just the cinematography and decisions they make in this show. prove it with your body. wait let me redo this whole thing i'm not doing it justice nooo who cares about season 1 (i do)

[havemyheartaziraphale]

Ok so this is for @melbatron5000 and @somehow-a-human mostly because I want input on your theories and my forming theory. Also, @indigovigilance has some decent screen grabs too. Sorry for having a wall of text here, I'm on mobile and still not used to posting on Tumblr

I absolutely agree with something being passed to Aziraphale during their kiss. I have watched the scene several times now and can spot the thing myself. I can see it in the photos you guys have as well.

I also stand by my theory there's a body swap going on. I wasn't entirely sure when it happened, until probably tonight. I know not everyone agrees with me but right now that's fine. Whatever.

Nightingales is DEFINITELY a code word. Got that straight off, wouldn't be able to tell you 100% what exactly for, except to me maybe it's saying "we need to do the body swap again".

Here's the thing: I had to go back and watch the body swap in S1 before I felt confident in this. I will stand by this theory now because I'm pretty certain of it.

There's clearly missed signals and unsaid things. I think the conversation we see is not everything that was said, based on the camera angles, the fact that so many of those lines can easily be pulled for sound bites and not seem odd/off, and the fact that their actions when out of shot don't entirely match up to what's being said. But the gist of the conversation is the same. They eventually come to the understanding that something needs to happen and they're not going to like it.

Here's where I think things change.

Nightingales is the signal that there's a swap that needs to happen. Crowley has already told Aziraphale that he can't leave the bookshop. Crowley knows this, and he also knows that the only way to get to Heaven is by having an angel escort him there. Aziraphale on the other hand will have no problems going whenever he needs to. Crowley needs to be taken, so he needs his Azi-suit.

With Crowley-as-Aziraphale(CAA) in heaven, he'll be able to do whatever mischief he needs/wants to. He can clearly already access files up there still. We know he has to have been a powerful/higher up angel before his Fall. He just needs a way in first.

When did the body swap happen?

Good question, and it took me a lot of thinking and rewatching of that flipping kiss to finally decide and work out when it was; the moment Aziraphale "allows" himself to hold Crowley.

What am I on about? I'll tell you.

Rewatch the body swap in S1. They hold hands, time stops, and you see them change back. Obviously CAA and Aziraphale-as-Crowley (AAC) are sat in their usual spaces so the characters are in the wrong seats. Once they're back, they look normal. Everything is tickety-boo.

Except in the KISS, they're very much in the same positions. Of course, Aziraphale places his hands on Crowley briefly, allowing for stability, a time freeze, and the chance to switch round before resuming. Probably gives them a little time to confirm some stuff too. There's so many camera cuts and frame changes that allow for this to be true, otherwise why not just show it from one angle? And why is that dang clock also skipping time suddenly yes I know Neil may have said it's just a continuity error at one point but I don't trust him because he also lies and it's way too obvious with that clock in the background

So what about the bullet/metal ball in CAA mouth? Definitely Aziraphale's memories of his chat with Metatron, and anything else CAA may need. (This isn't a repeat, this is a mirror of the bullet catch. Crowley fired the bullet, Azi caught it. This time, Azi fires the bullet, Crowley catches it.) CAA then says the phrase he knows AAC will understand, and that also sounds like Azi to anyone listening, and AAC responds. Like codes. "I forgive you... Dont bother." Exit: Azi-as-Crowley.

Of course Metatron then swans in and interrupts CAA while he's still getting his bearings, and mentions the Second Coming. I don't think even Crowley expected it to be this. Hence the Look he gives AAC.

Metatron still gives CAA a slightly suspicious look in the elevator, which I don't think many people mention enough. And that whole end credits bit of them as they're heading off is just... Odd. BUT, and here's where I'm certain it's CAA, the look of sheer determined destruction on Azi's face is the same from S1 body swap. I went back and checked, just to be sure. That's 100% Crowley right there. And now he has the bullet in his mouth, access to heaven thanks to being escorted by Metatron, and Aziraphale still able to look after the bookshop in disguise.

Points I also want to make

Crowley would not be the sort of person (demon/being) to just stand there and wait for Azi to go up to Heaven. We've seen he'll just go off without a word. At least twice. (When Azi is in thought about Job, and when Nina talks to him after she confirms she'll be at the Street Traders meeting). Crowley doesn't linger.

Crowley would also not be the one to choose to listen to A Nightingale Sang. That is all Aziraphale babyyyyyy. The Bentley knows them both well enough by now. Crowley likes his rock and Bebop, Azi likes his classical, more soothing tunes. Crowley certainly wouldn't listen to a song if he was upset with it. Azi allows himself to hear it before turning it off. He's the sentimental one.

[darkscaleswriter]

palinoia for the director's cut asks? 👀

(ask for a director’s cut on any of my fics!)

omg I haven't re-read Palinoia in years, when I opened my doc for it I got slapped in the face by times new roman bc this is from before i switched to writing in calibri instead lmfao. anyway time loop fic!! i had a lot of fun experimenting with style in this one, trying to capture the low-grade horror of being trapped in time and dying again and again and again. not sure i totally succeeded, but i liked writing it at least!! i'm especially proud of the bit that's a series of vignettes that descend into repeated "reset, reset, reset" lines, i think that part really conveyed what i wanted it to. it's still satisfying to read again after 6-ish years :D

(continued under the cut)

shadow link is so fun to write, he's a classic antagonist turned antihero type character and i love it. i also have a huge soft spot for him bc loz four swords was one of my first fandoms and is probably my oldest one at this point, so he's an og blorbo for me haha. (clenches fist) someday I will treat myself and get physical copies of the manga. someday…

at any rate, i'm re-reading palinoia and kind of laughing at myself about how the key to shadow breaking out of the timeloop was just. teamwork makes the dream work, lol. including using items from past Heroes bc i like the idea of items from previous games still hanging around odd corners of hyrule. i don't think i planned it that way but it's extremely in line with the themes i tend to write ^.^'

and zelda gets to join in! past me even left a helpful note on the doc explaining that zelda gets to be there bc instead of sending that dark cloud thing to take her like in the manga, ganon got distracted by vaati being vacuumed and wasn't able to stop the links from breaking her out. i am also now realizing that i never explained what happened to vaati beyond "vacuumed into a giant gust jar" and if i had plans for that, I didn't write them down. so… i guess he just lives there, now? maybe the links go back and smash the mirror after shadow's fully revived as his own being without being tied to it? maybe the jar was sealed away to become the next hero of courage's problem??

if I was going to rewrite this fic, i think it would be interesting to add a section where shadow gets desperate and tries to recruit vaati. maybe there would be 2 villain turned antihero characters surviving to the end…? or vaati is too power-hungry to go for it and betrays shadow at the last second, if he doesn't refuse and/or kill shadow outright for being a traitor. i think the last minute betrayal version would be a good loop to lead into a deleted scene where shadow straight up just hides in the dark mirror for a loop and refuses to engage, up until the links make it to the tower and are like "hey tf is this giant mirror and should we break it or something"

that deleted scene never got finished, i'm guessing bc it was leading up to shadow letting the links smash the mirror without ever revealing that he was inside (rip). based when where i was in life when i wrote this fic, i probably wasn't in a headspace to get quite that dark. i think there's a difference between considering your death an acceptable sacrifice in a fight to prevent a supervillain from taking over the kingdom and not caring about your death happening bc depression, y'know?

there's another deleted scene where shadow has a much more dramatic death that involves him fighting vaati in single combat himself, and ending the fight by chucking a bomb at the dark mirror to kill them both. i think that was vaguely what the final loop was supposed to be before the gust jar idea, and there was a whole bit with vio where vio is extra upset as shadow is dying in his arms bc shadow promised earlier not to kill vaati via the mirror. whoops, he lied! he went after vaati on purpose and planned that from the start! what a normal and mentally stable thing to do, shadow.

that ending was cut more because it ended up too close to canon, i'm pretty sure, and i wanted the final loop to be something more unique. shadow needed to do something different than his original ending to break out of the loop, so the full canon divergence had to happen.

shadow still died very briefly at the end of the final loop, when zelda had him throw a bomb full of triforce light at ganon, but at that point the goddesses were like "okay we'll call that having learned your lesson" and brought him back quickly enough that nobody realized he was gone. potentially including himself! i'm not sure that shadow ever consciously realized it was the goddesses farore, nayru, and din that put him in the time loop, but after it ended, he was just glad to be done with it and decided not to ask too many questions that could potentially make them change their minds haha.

re: the goddesses, i think the reason they took an interest in shadow to begin with (self-sacrificial death for the four sword heroes aside) is because shadow was created using the power of the triforce. he's one of theirs, sort of, at a sideways angle to how link and zelda and ganon are. close enough for them to meddle with, and idk maybe din was being extra salty at this incarnation of ganon for creating an entire sentient person and then treating him Like That. rip ganon for annoying his triforce piece's patron goddess, lol.

shadow was created from the dark mirror using the triforce of power as wielded by ganon, and my general headcanon is that shadow link literally did not exist until the events of the four swords manga when he is born from the dark mirror. he doesn't have link's memories, but he knows link's personality and remembers feelings/impressions/etc. and, since shadow was created with the triforce of power, he carries of sliver of it with him in a similar way to how each of the links carries pieces of the triforce of courage. part of the reason he's drawn to the links is because like calls to like. shadow was made in part from the triforce of power, but in the image of the bearer of the triforce of courage. the only part he's missing is wisdom, but at the end of his final loop, he does get caught in the blast of zelda's triforce power bomb, so… :3c

at the end of the fic, when shadow notes that he has the triforce on his hand, i left it deliberately vague about whether that was actually the full triforce or not. i don't remember if i had a clear answer in my head for this, but i suspect he shares pieces with the other links and zelda, bc i like the idea of them being all connected like that. regardless, what triforce piece(s) he has are what allowed him to sever his connection to the dark mirror and hang out in the sunlight without burning up like a vampire. he takes a lot of catnaps in sunbeams now that he doesn't have to worry about that haha.

anyway thank you so much for asking about Palinoia, it was really fun to go back and remember how much i enjoyed writing it. and i'm SUPER flattered that you read my fic to begin with!! i am so in love with your god of war time travel au, it lives rent-free in my head at any given moment.

thank you again!!! :D

[stockingshypnopantyhoseleggings]

*snap* I awoke feeling woozy, like I had been drugged, I shook my head, I couldn’t seem to remember the last few hours.

Then a voice said ‘how do you feel?’, I immediately responded, ‘I am deeply hypnotized’ the voice said again, ‘do you feel OK’, I immediately blurted out ‘I am deeply hypnotized, I am ready to serve’

‘Go to the mirror’ the voice said, ‘yes master’ I replied, these responses felt natural and just came out of my mouth.

‘Now’ said the voice, ‘What do you see?’ ‘I see a sensual woman’ I mindlessly responded. ‘How does that make you feel?’ the voice ask ‘I am deeply hypnotized master’

Something inside me felt strange, I knew I was a man, but somehow in the mirror was this sensual woman wearing black stockings, matching silk lingerie, high heeled boots and a full face of make up.

‘Does what you see turn you on?’ The voice asked, at which point I felt myself get incredibly hard, and my cock started throbbing, ‘yes master, I am turn on for master’

‘Down on your knees slave’ the voice commanded, without a moments hesitation, I dropped to my knees

‘What is your mantra?’ The voice demanded, I started to repeat:

‘My master is my thoughts, my thoughts are my master, I live to serve him’

And I kept repeating this and it felt true.

As the voice approached me, he said ‘Pleasure is obedience, obedience is pleasure, you want to please me don’t you slave?’ ‘Yes master’ I responded and my mouth dropped open.

I could see my masters engorged cock coming towards me, ‘this is wrong’ I thought, but it feels so right. The master slipped his cock in to my mouth and started to thrust in and out.

He tapped me on the forehead and commanded ‘gag reflex off’ at which point I could feel the head of his cock touch the back of my throat.

I was surprised I didn’t gag at his huge cock in my throat, or at the pre-cum trickling down.

As he thrust harder and harder, I could feel my own cock making the satin panties I was wearing increadibly wet with my own pre-cum.

My master let out a load moan as his cum shot to the back of my throat forcing me to swallow, god it tasted good, I wanted more, so I continued to suck until ge came again.

He tapped me on the forehead and said ‘slave cum now and hard’ at which point I shot my load inside the panties I was wearing and over the floor between my legs.

‘Sleep’ said the voice, and drifted off in to a deep deep sate of relaxation and trance.

When I awoke, I was back to my normal self, still with the salty taste in my mouth, by no longer wearing the lingerie and heels, and weirdly back at my apartment.

I saw a note, so I read it, it simply said ‘forget’ at which point I immediately burnt the note and thought to myself, ‘forget what’ and went about my day.