#she accepted in desperation but as time goes on and the initial panic starts to wear off she becomes more and more unsure abt her choice

[arolesbianism]

Ok new au Aris brainstorming is finally going somewhere me when I recruit an unstable 14 year old for the basically a supercomputer in her brain only to realize I actually just recruited two unstable 14 year olds

[marvelstarker-mha98]

The Runaway Distance Life Of A Little Stark chapter 28: Easy's Never been this hard

Characters & Pairings: Tony Stark & daughter!Reader, Pepper potts & reader. Pepper potts x Tony stark, Bruce Banner, Thor & Tony stark, Thor & tony, bruce banner & tony, Happy hogan, tony stark, Pepper potts, Steve rogers & tony stark, Roberta Rhodey (real marvel character from the mcu comics) & tony stark, Maria hill, Ben parker, may parker & peter parker, lots of characters mentions.

Summary: Tony accepted his daughter's death then goes to the place that she wants to be buried. Warning: Flashback and reunion Co author with: callikc Tag:  @venomsvl  @geeksareunique

From its beginnings as New Amsterdam, all through the years and to its modern day, it was filled with people on the streets desperate to complete their errands of the day. It was certainly called 'the city that never sleeps' for a reason. It had a heart and it had a rhythm, and it was only for just that one day that Tony wished more than anything the city would somehow shut down.

For once it was clear in the skies, not a single gray cloud or speck in sight. At least that made it seem less foreboding.

Tony and Pepper stood in their room, both in black attire. The latter was fixing the former's tie, her eyes focused on the pendant and key that rested on Tony's chest. Once she was finished with the tie, she paused to take in Tony's expression.

It was distant and cold. Sad.

He was still mourning but, much to everybody's relief, he was starting to finally come to terms with your death in the week that had passed since the destruction of his lab. Pepper made sure to prioritize his injury above all else and kept him on a strict rest and wellbeing regime with the help of Bruce and Dr. Cho.

-

It was a few nights before the funeral and Pepper couldn't sleep.

She lay awake in the bed she shared with Tony and busied herself with sorting through digital files and paperwork on the laptop. It was tedious to do at that hour of the night but it was a welcome distraction from the harsh reality of things.

It had been an hour before Tony began to stir next to her. His eyes were shut tight but his other features showed clear panic and fear.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled to himself.

Another nightmare.

"Tony." Pepper whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Tony, wake up."

He responded, but not to her. He continued to mumble things about you, how he wanted to do more and how he should have been faster or quicker and how you lost your entire future because of him.

Pepper placed her laptop on the bedside table and tried to wake him again by using gentle but firm shakes and a slightly raised voice to try and get through.

After some time, it finally worked, and Tony startled awake with labored and shaken breaths.

"Hey." Pepper said softly, making sure he could see her face before he started to panic about his surroundings. "It's okay. You're home."

Tony didn't reply initially and only managed a breathless nod. By the time he finally found his voice again he had processed the surroundings properly.

"I'm sorry." He told Pepper. "Bad dream."

"I know."

"I don't get why I can't stop it."

"It's subconscious. No one can."

"Does it bother you?"

"Never." She smiled lovingly. "We'll get through it just like last time. Together."

-

Back in the present, Tony had his head hung low and a pained expression clouding his face as his thoughts focused on you.

Even if he was learning to accept the truth now, it didn't hurt any less. There was still the pain and the agony and the grief, and there was still the guilt. It didn't seem to matter how many people told him he wasn't to blame for what happened, it just didn't seem to make a difference.

Pepper gently held his cheek in her hand, her own look grief-stricken. Tony leaned into her touch, closing his eyes for a moment.

No words could be said because no words would suffice to ease the pain both were suffering from.

Pepper lifted her other hand and held his other cheek, wiping away a stray tear with her thumb. Tony swayed a little on his feet but kept steady in the end, placing his hands over hers.

They simply stood in each other's company until a knock on the door filled the silence of the room.

Bruce walked in, also donned in black, with a somber look of empathy.

"Hi." He said in a timid tone, worried about having interrupted a moment.

"Hi, Bruce." Pepper said, doing her best to smile.

"Sorry. Are you, uh... Are you ready? Happy's waiting by the car."

She nodded. "We'll be down in a moment."

"Okay. I'll see you down there."

He promptly left, leaving the room in silence again. At least until Pepper spoke again.

"Ready?" She asked quietly.

Tony let out a shaky sigh. "Do I get the choice?"

It remained unanswered as she began leading him to the door with a sorrowful look. Once they reached the tower parking lot, they found Happy and Bruce by the car.

Happy's expression hadn't changed since the day you died. He was consistently shadowed by a disconsolate feeling.

"You okay, buddy?" Tony asked in a voice so quiet he might not have said anything at all.

Happy managed a nod. "Yeah."

"Sure?"

He nodded a second time. "I'm ready."

-

Just the day before Happy had intended to resign.

He couldn't seem to get over the idea that he was accountable for all that had gone wrong and he had decided that it would be best for everyone if he took a very long and very permanent vacation from the security detail.

"She asked me for secrecy and I said yes because I thought I was helping her." He tried to explain to Tony and Pepper. "What I thought was protection was anything but that. I'm taking responsibility for my actions and hoping for some form of forgiveness before I leave."

There was a dreadful silence.

"What is this?" Tony asked, still staring at the papers.

"My contrition." Happy told him.

Another silence.

Tony looked up from the papers with an expression that surprised Happy. It wasn't relief or agreement like he expected, it was confusion and incredulous.

"I don't get it." Tony said.

Happy glanced at Pepper who shared the confused look. "I'm resigning and accepting accountability."

"Yeah, that's what I don't get."

This time it was Happy who looked bewildered. In his view, he had as good as killed you by not revealing that he had seen and talked to you. He knew who you lived as and he didn't tell anyone, endangering you because no one else could protect you when that horrific day came.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Tony ripped the resignation in half and brought him into a tight embrace.

Happy faltered and took a moment to process before cautiously returning the hug.

"You're my brother." Tony said. "You cared about her and that's all I need to know. That's all I care about. I don't blame you."

Happy closed his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I just can't. She wouldn't."

"Tony..."

"No resigning. I know she loved you, Happy, and I don't want you to go." -

"Steve, Clint, Natasha, and Thor will meet us at the location." Pepper explained as they drove to the mentioned location. "There's going to be journalists and paparazzi but they have restricted access so we don't have to worry about them."

"Where is it?" Tony asked.

He hadn't been as involved in the planning due to his grieving. Pepper had organized pretty much everything.

"Calvary Cemetery." She said.

He looked out the window as he watched the streets fly by. "Why there?"

"Agent Hill suggested it. She said (Y/n) had people in two different places in the same city and that she always wanted the best of both worlds. And that she had special connections in the area and wouldn't want to be separated from them."

Bruce spoke next, his tone curious due to the wording. "What does that mean?"

Tony shared this confusion and Pepper shrugged. "I guess we'll find out soon enough."

Happy didn't say anything but listened to the conversation as he drove to the cemetery. He was surprised by the lack of stormy weather, especially with how miserable the city had looked recently.

-

The reason for the nice weather was Thor himself.

He had returned from Asgard the day before the funeral after taking care of some business in his home realm. It was hard keeping the peace and very exhausting and yet he still had the brightest smile on his face as he greeted his friends on Midgard.

Unfortunately he came back to the news that Tony had lost a daughter. He quickly went to the Tower to find him and was directed by Bruce. The two might not get along but Thor understood how it felt to lose family and he knew that no one deserved the pain if wrought.

"Point Break." Tony greeted, his tone jolted. "Didn't expect you back so soon."

"Matters between Asgard and Alfheim were settled with fair ease." Thor explained. "Although light elves have quite the temper. You wouldn't expect it."

He nodded. "Right. Well, uh, welcome back."

Even if he tried to look the same, Thor noticed the hurt in his teammate's eyes. He had the same look when he had lost his mother not too long before all of this.

"I heard of your daughter." He said empathetically. "I understand the loss of a loved one, and I am truly sorry, Stark. I would be honored to attend the farewells."

"Sure." Tony hesitated. "And thanks."

He paused again.

"How did you know?" He questioned.

Thor had a sad look still. "My Lady Jane informed me about the news. I believe she, Lady Darcy, and Erik Selvig will be paying their respects also."

"Did they know her?"

"Only in passing, as I did." He thought back to that day, curious. "Her familiarity in the picture we found puzzled me for quite some time until now."

Tony was simply amazed by how many people you seemed to know or at least spoke to. Just how many others were out there? How many people would show up tomorrow?

"When did you meet her?" He questioned.

"Some years ago." Thor replied. "I was banished from Asgard for my own arrogance and found myself stranded in your land of New Mexico. I became acquainted with Jane and her friends whilst there and shortly after that the Son of Coul and Lady (Y/n) arrived. She told me Mjölnir destroyed one of her devices."

"I forgot I wasn't the only one." Bruce chimed in, reminding them that he was also in the room. "I met her a few years ago too, and she said she enjoyed my papers on gamma radiation. She was smart."

Tony looked between them both, his stunned look growing more and more ridiculous by the second.

"And you didn't say anything?" He asked.

"I didn't know she was (Y/n)." Bruce admitted. "It never came up before."

Tony looked away, thinking on the words. He was finally getting to know you and yet at the same time he found it worse because he couldn't actually talk to you about any of it.

You invented something that had a run-in with Thor's hammer. You liked to read papers on scientific exploits.

"Can I ask a favor?" He said towards Thor.

The god stood straight and nodded. "Of course."

"Tomorrow is the funeral." It hurt just to say it. "Just... Can we have weather that isn't trying to drown the city? I'm not asking for sunshine and rainbows, just a clear day."

Thor nodded again. "It would be my pleasure."

-

Back in the car, Tony hadn't said a word for a good ten minutes.

He prefered the silence. He was content with just staring at the sky and holding Pepper's hand as the world rolled past.

But the car soon stopped at a red light.

He looked at the blazing red for a long moment before focusing elsewhere. He caught sight of a parent and child. A dad and his daughter.

The little girl clutched her father's hand as she jumped into old puddles. She had the most brilliant gleaming smile and the dad watched her fondly, laughing whenever she made a big splash on the sidewalk.

Tony wanted it.

He wanted all those moments he skipped out on. He wanted the birthday parties and the first day of school, he wanted to be there when you had your first heartbreak so he could hurt whoever made you sad. He just wanted to be your dad again.

He tightened his hold on Pepper's hand as his other one reached up to hold the key and the pendant. They were all he had left of you now.

When the car finally pulled up to Calvary Church Cemetery, he wasn't at all prepared for what he saw.

The building was magnificent, a testament to the higher power so many people seemed to dedicate themselves to. It had a golden inscription above the double doors talking about resurrection and life with images of Jesus and his followers carved into the old stone. Beyond the grand architecture was the cemetery itself, lines upon lines of graves and memorials dotting the grass.

As Happy complained about parking, Tony found his eyes drawn to the many strangers that littered the front of the cathedral. He didn't recognize them. Not all of them anyway.

He could spot the rest of the Avengers, Dr. Cho, Thor's girlfriend and her own friends, Rhodey and his mother, and Maria Hill. The ones he didn't know were a vast majority of former SHIELD agents, Coulson and Fury in disguise, Skye, Fitz-Simmons, Agent May, the Parkers, Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, Mr. Delmar and his family, residents of your apartment complex, Ned and his moms, MJ and her mom, some officers who knew you through Ben, the press, and quite a few civilians who must have just been there to pay respects.

Tony, unaware of everyone else's identity, had to gather his courage before daring to step out of the car. Immediately the paparazzi cameras were on him like flies, flashes blinding everyone.

There was a time that he would have relished in all the attention, but those days were now long gone. He couldn't stand it anymore.

"I'll meet you inside." Happy told them. "I've got to do security checks."

Pepper nodded in understanding and thanked him. She then took a pin badge from her bag.

It was pretty, sky-blue with the most beautiful flower imprinted on it. It was a gladiolus flower, representing honor, remembrance, and heroism. It was your favorite.

"This will get you inside." She explained, pinning it to his suit.

"Thanks." He replied, giving them each a farewell before he left to speak to some of the officers on duty.

The first people to greet Tony, Pepper, and Bruce were the other Avengers. Steve had an arm brace since his injuries from the Triskelion were still quite fresh even with all the super soldier healing. The others looked very somber.

"Hey, Tony." Steve greeted first. "I'm sorry about (Y/n)."

Tony managed a small nod. "You and the rest of the world. How's the arm?"

"Healing. I'll manage."

"Good. Can't have Mr. Dorito out of commission for too long."

Although the jokes normally annoyed Steve, he kept up a smile for Tony's sake. The six of them - and Pepper - talked for a bit about how the proceedings would go until Tony spotted Roberta Rhodes. Rhodey's mother. He excused himself to talk to her.

He hadn't seen her in many years. Since Afghanistan. He did send gifts and cards for Christmas, birthdays, and mother's day since she did the same and never forgot a single holiday. She always tried her best to advise him on your upbringing but he was so arrogant that he never listened.

The second she spotted him she engulfed him in a tight hug and kissed the top of his head lovingly.

"Oh, Tony..." She mumbled, giving him a gentle squeeze. "I'm so sorry, my dear."

He just nodded, forgetting how comforting a mother's embrace could be. He didn't want to let go and probably would have had another breakdown of grief if he wasn't already cried out.

"I'm sorry." He then mumbled, still holding onto her.

"Hey..." Her voice was so gentle and calming. "Whatever for?"

"I didn't listen. You told me what to do and I didn't listen. I wasn't good enough."

"Oh, darling-" She pulled back slightly so she could look him in the eyes. "I won't tolerate that, Tony. You did the best you could even if you didn't know it."

"She hated me, just like... Just like I hated my old man."

"You are not Howard."

"I didn't want to be, but I was. I didn't talk to her, I wasn't there, I never listened. I tried to change but it was too late. She was already gone."

"You still tried." She assured him.

Tony looked away. "You're not disappointed?"

"Never. I didn't like it when my son told me how you raised (Y/n) but I was never disappointed in you. Even when I looked after her and she complained, I always told her to wait and give you time. She understood in the end, just as I did."

He went quiet again, just listening as she went on.

"You're a different man, Tony. A good man. You're a hero to millions, you have a relationship with a beautiful and kind woman, you have friends who are there for you in the darkest time. You are enough. There's no point in trying to change something that doesn't need to be fixed. You did everything you could to find her. You're not Howard. You've always been more like Maria whether you knew it or not."

The Avengers, who had been joined by Rhodey and Agent Hill, questioned who she was as they watched her comfort their friend.

"This is Roberta Rhodes." Rhodey explained. "My mom. She looked after us, and she checked in on (Y/n) for years. Makes a mean cookie, too."

They each smiled at that.

"So who are all these people?" Pepper then asked Hill.

Hill looked around at the crowd, recognizing far more than Tony did before.

"People she knew." She said. "Some are friends, family, some just an acquaintance in the hall, some of them she helped or saved, but they all knew her."

Tony finally let go of Rhodey's mom to look at the crowd again. He had mixed feelings on it all and wasn't sure what he was supposed to express.

"You should be proud." She told him, answering the unspoken question. "I would be. (Y/n) met a lot of people and saved so many more."

He nodded. "I am. She was the real hero.”

[ecoamerica]

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[our-happygirl500-fan]

You know the whole Baterang to the throat thing that causes a lot of discussion in the fandom? I think Bruce might not have been aiming for the throat

It ricochets

This point in comics Bruce has been through a ringer Steph's died, Barbara and Jim have left, Leslie betrayed him and he's had to send Cass and Tim away and now Jason is back but for revenge so Bruce isn’t at his best and I think Bruce threw the Baterang in a moment of panic and either over or undershot which ended up with well that.

This moment causes a lot of debate but I don't see it as “Bruce harming Jason to save the joker” the way a lot of fics paint it I see it more as he'd been aiming for Jason's arm or something to disarm him but overshot and it’s kind of like a symbolism of their relationship. 

 Which is basically Bruce takes an action to stop Jason from going down a path that he thinks will end up hurting Jason, but ends up hurting Jason in the long-run.

Like when he discussed taking away robin from Jason (because he thought Jason needed time to deal with issues that were becoming more prevalent) which only ended up making Jason feel insecure about his position in the Wayne household, contributing to why he so desperately pursued a stable parental relationship in his biological mother.

Bruce knows that if he gives in and kills the Joker he'll never stop killing we've seen timelines that prove that and I think Bruce also thinks the same of Jason that if Jason kills the Joker he won't stop at all so it’s not that he’s saving the Joker but that he’s trying to save Jason but Bruce ultimately misunderstands Jason’s needs and winds up hurting him.

Bruce is trying to save Jason from what he sees as a downwards spiral, but he ends up hurting him not just emotionally, but physically, and in the most extreme way possible. It's like an even darker echo of how trying to bench him as Robin led to his death.

Bruce has spent YEARS haunted by the memory of Jason’s death his death fundamentally changed Bruce's entire character Alfred said that Jason's death affected Bruce more than his own parents death.

In Underworld Unleashed it's revealed that his greatest desire is to have Jason back, in Hush he talks about how he wanted to put Jason in the Lazarus Pit and how he believes Jason knew he always loved him, and in As The Crow Flies we learn that his greatest fear is Jason coming back as an enemy and then in Under the Red Hood he gets Jason back (his greatest desire) but as an antagonist (his greatest fear) and moreover his belief that Jason 'knew' he loved him is WRONG.

Jason's insecurities from before his death combined with the perceived betrayal of Bruce not avenging him have led Jason to the point where he genuinely believes Bruce doesn't care, and in Jason's eyes, killing the joker is the only way Bruce can prove that he does but instead, in that moment, Bruce's attempt to diffuse the situation backfires.

Bruce misunderstands what Jason needs in that moment like he misunderstood what Jason needed at the start of Death in the Family it's just the ultimate representation of their constant emotional feedback loop. They trap themselves in a cycle of fighting because Jason can't read how Bruce really feels and Bruce can't read what Jason really needs and in that moment both those things are true, with Jason not seeing that Bruce truly cares anymore, and Bruce not knowing how to properly deescalate the situation and show Jason that he still cares.

It's extremely easy to read the batatrang throw as purposeful even though I wholly believe it was accidental but if that moment was explored more, I'm positive that Jason would believe it wasn't an accident, and would view it as proof of his already held view that Bruce doesn't love him anymore after all, that could have killed him, symbolically disowning him in the most extreme way possible.

Heck in Jason's appearance in Green Arrow (2001) Bruce had thought Jason might have died again! Before Jason turned up to mess with Mia.

The thing that's tragic about Jason that actually leads to a lot of his own suffering is that Jason doesn't really know what a healthy relationship looks like so I'm not sure when his actual 'last straw' would be.

Jason is the kind of person who sees love and acceptance as entirely circumstantial. He believes he must /earn/ love and acceptance, i.e. by being Robin, rather than it being inherently given.

A huge piece of understanding Robin Jason is understanding how much he lacked proper support systems back then. School was his only connection to his kids his age, and he didn't benefit much from that connection, his life was essentially: manor, school, Robin, repeat.

Jason loved school, but his school life was also pretty depressing. Jason kept to himself, he didn't have the time to participate in extracurriculars even when he wanted to and his peers didn't view him very positively. Jason was also really isolated from the rest of the hero community, there was his stint with the Titans, but it was pretty brief. He was also penpals with Kid Devil, but for the most part, he just had Batman.

The lack of support is actually one of the reasons I give for Jason and Steph dying in universe since they were the two Robins without support systems outside of Gotham. When Bruce was a jerk Dick and Tim could be like 'fine I'm going to go hang out with the Teen Titans or Young Justice' but Jason and Steph could only be like 'oh no' plus Bruce would deliberately try to take away Steph's support systems that she did have multiple times like when he ordered Cass to stop training with Steph.

But that's besides the point, I wouldn't be surprised if Jason confused being Robin with being accepted in the manor so when Bruce threatened to take away Robin from him, he might've seen it as his only proper support system being taken away from him, his world felt rocked back into instability once again.

When you look at it like that, it's very easy to understand why Jason sought out his biological mother. He had a hope that Sheila would offer him that stability once more, and that he'd get support and trust and unconditional love.

And that’s what make it all the more heartbreaking to me he came to this woman seeking love and gave her his greatest secret and she repaid him with a horrific death.  Jason’s death is one of the saddest to me because there’s no high stakes 'he died saving the world stuff' he’s just a kid who wanted a mom and got killed for it.

DC’s habit of taking away who he was is so detrimental to his backstory as the Red Hood because the transformation from someone who tried being kind and who did give it their all being killed for it and coming back like ‘no more’ is so much more interesting than ‘we always knew this would happen’.

Robin disobeying orders is nothing new. If that was the core of why Jason died, then any Robin disobeying orders should never be put in a positive light, but often it is. Jason (and Steph) were just the ones unlucky enough to emerge dead and judged for it instead of alive and praised for it.

Jason died because he was a child who just wanted to be safe and loved.

So many times Robin disobeying orders saved lives it’s nothing new and Jason had a pretty solid reason, the story of Jason Todd should be portrayed as the tragedy not make him some warning sign.

This is why I always hated the victim blaming after Jason & Steph's deaths because they died doing what if it had been Tim or Dick a Robin would be praised for, like take Steph for example we've seen constant stories of Bruce firing Robin, them going off on their own & Bruce realising he's wrong & taking them back but when Steph goes off on her own she dies the only reason Jason & Steph died is that the writers forced them to fail where they would have allowed the others to succeed.

But anyway back to my point the thing about Jason feeling like he had to earn love is why he was initially so hung up on the idea of Bruce 'replacing' him when he came back to life, he viewed Tim being robin as Bruce /transferring/ his love for Jason to another person, rather than seeing that Bruce could love Tim while still loving and missing him.

The reason Jason sought out his mother after Bruce benched him as Robin was that he viewed Bruce benching him as Bruce rejecting him and latched onto the idea of finding someone, i.e. a birth mother, who is supposed to give /unconditional love/.

The fact that his birth mother REJECTED HIM and then played a hand in his murder undoubtedly affected his attitude when he came back, if even his mother didn't want him, and then Bruce let the joker live and replaced him, then, in Jason's eyes, OF COURSE Bruce doesn't care and as mentioned previously Jason didn't really have any friends in school or the hero community, believing that the only real close personal connection in your live, someone you spent all your time with, had forgotten about you and rejected you is bound to mess a person up.

[maleyanderecafe]

The Red Fox (Webtoon)

Created by: Hama

Genre: Psychological/Romance/Horror

This webtoon has been recommended before by others and it took me a while to read through it because initially, it's a bit confusing. I was also a bit off-put by the incest in this, which initially I thought was okay, but then it was dialed up to 11 and made me feel really uncomfortable because of the sex scenes. Despite all of that, the story is really interesting and the yandere in this is great, though it is a little confusing in the beginning. So far, there are about 80 chapters of this webtoon, and its still being translated.

The yandere in this story is the Red Fox himself, who doesn't have a name. He is basically immortal and exists to kill others. He's able to shape-shift into any person, and it's said that if you ever meet the Red Fox, you have to give him your liver, or else he'd never leave you alone.

The story starts with Sonia, a sickly girl who is stated to never be able to give birth, gets proposed by the king of Ibana. She initially is reluctant to marry the king as she believes she's not of a high-ranking family and wouldn't be able to give birth to a child. Nevertheless, she is later convinced to marry the king and becomes the queen. Meanwhile, Sonia's aunt becomes concerned over his son, Iza, who has become murderous and has had his personality changed completely. The aunt seems aware that his son Iza is actually the Red Fox, however, she deludes herself into believing that Iza is his son, as for her there's nobody in the world she loves more than him. After a while, Sonia is pregnant with the king's child and goes back home to give the good news. During this time, Iza kills the aunt, leading to a panic. The Red Fox appears to Sonia as Iza and asks for her child's liver. In a panic and fear, Sonia accepts this to stay alive but feels tremendous grief afterward, so much so that she wants to give up her own child. Her sister, however, reprimands her, stating that Sonia's own upbringing was hard for the family, that because she was so sick, she wasn't able to go outside, however, they never gave up on her because they loved her. Hearing this, Sonia becomes determined to keep her child alive. She proposes a plan to have her child escape through a diviner, who also mentions that the child, a girl, will be the last child of the king's family to have red eyes, an important trait within the royal family. When Sonia gives birth, the red fox appears, and Sonia tries to stall for time while the child is taken somewhere safe. The Red Fox asks Sonia if she knows what love is and she explains what it is from her point of view. The Red Fox spares Sonia but kills one of the maids that was transporting her child and disguises himself as her. Soon after, Sonia dies and the king is thrown into grief.

The child, Sana grows up in the king's household, loved by everyone. She doesn't know of the Red Fox's presence until she becomes an adult and has to find a new suitor. The Red Fox falls in love with Sana and disguises himself as Iza after Sana tells the Red Fox that she can only marry a male to be his king. Meanwhile, the king himself gets another wife to try to get another offspring with red eyes but fails, with the other wife giving birth to a male. The other wife dispises Sana for being so loved by the rest of the court and she tries to leave desperately with her son. Soon after, a male diviner is summoned to the court after suspicions that the Red Fox has disguised as one of them. The Red Fox makes a deal with Sana, stating if the two married, he wouldn't kill everyone in the court. Sana reluctantly agrees to this and the Red Fox makes her immortal and forces her to stay by his side. The King is against this as not only would it place the Red Fox as the king of Ibana but also her daughter would have to marry a monster. The male diviner is able to meet with Sana and helps her with a plan of action. Meanwhile, the Red Fox kills the king, as he was jealous that Sana cared for him and starts to kill everyone in the court. The male diviner, Shinri, is able to save Sana and ward off the Red Fox temporarily, but to save the rest of her court, is taken by the Red Fox.

Twenty years pass, and Sana is at a brothel pretending to be a servant. One of the brothel women, Haran takes a liking to her and even develops a crush on her. The Shinri (who doesn't age) takes on an apprentice, a young lady who is both a diviner and a princess named Bari. Bari takes an interest in Sana, as she's heard of stories of the princess who disappeared from the court after the Red Fox kills everyone. Sana, meanwhile, has prevented the Red Fox from killing anyone in 20 years, and resents him, only going out to the brothel so she can feel human again, as she has not aged. It's noted that Sana has adopted a boy and that she is, by far, the longest time that the Red Fox has stayed with a woman. The Red Fox gets jealous of Sana going out to the brothel and forces her to quit. However, while she's about to quit, Haran confesses her love to Sana and has sex with her. Sana, however, feels nothing, questioning what love is and why Haran even loves her in the first place. The Red Fox finds out about Haran getting close to Sana and kills her out of jealousy along with three other people. Shinri is able to find Sana and talk to her again. The current king, Sana's stepbrother tries hard to get her back to her normal life, while Shinri tries his best to get Sana to make the Red Fox stop killing. Sana states that she's followed his instructions of staying with the Red Fox to get him to stop killing, but feels miserable as a result. Shinri reveals that he's actually the son of the Red Fox, which explains why he doesn't age and has red hair. The two get into a conversation about murder: If two people murder each other, one of them is a murderer, but if a monster murders another monster, what are they called. Sana admits she's now a monster due to her immortality and tells her step-brother that she wants to live a normal life. Shinri and Bari get into an argument because of Bari's feelings for Shinri and during this time, the Red Fox finds out that Bari has been talking to Sana in secret through Sana's adopted son. As a result, Bari almost gets killed by the Red Fox, due to his jealousy, however, Shinri defends him and is murdered instead. Bari becomes angry with Sana, and Sana feels immense guilt over Shinri and makes a bet with the Red Fox. If he wants to prove his love, they will perform a test. Sana states that she will part from the Red Fox and if the Red Fox goes to her first, then she is free from her and has to leave her alone, however, if Sana goes to the Red Fox first, then she will stay with him forever. The Red Fox accepts.

After this, the step-brother of Sana, Yujin, tries to give Sana more freedom by having her register as one of his wives. Sana accepts, tired of being a monster, and becomes one of his concubines. Yujin and Sana have a night together, where Sana reveals that she was aware of Yujin's crush on her as a child. Sana fulfills her role as a concubine and has sex with Yujin (which is gross, you guys have the SAME DAD). Yujin is deeply in love with Sana and has sex with her basically every night. Meanwhile, the Red Fox makes a deal with a maid to keep an eye on Sana, basically telling her that if she tells anyone of his existence he'll kill them. Bari, still mourning over Shinri, is reminded of her task to stop the Red Fox. It's revealed that the Red Fox was actually the first king of Ibana and all of his ancestors had red eyes, which just makes this a generational incest between the Red Fox and Yujin. The Red Fox disguises himself as a maid and watches as Yujin and Sana have sex, annoyed by how much they love each other. Eventually, the maid falls in love with the Red Fox, however, the Red Fox has no interest in her and only cares about Sana. Just before the Red Fox kills her, Bari pleads with him to spare her life, begging that she'll do anything. Yujin and Sana are happily having sex with each other and loving each other, while the other concubines are there in disdain. Sana becomes the queen again, and the king goes on a trip. During this time, the Red Fox appears to Sana as the king but is quickly found out by Sana. Sana, happy by this development states that he lost and that he has to leave her alone. The Red Fox turns the tables on her stating that because he lost, he could kill anyone he wants and tries to go after the king. Sana pleads to the Red Fox to spare the king, and the Red Fox accepts on the condition that they have sex. The Red Fox essentially rapes her and the king comes back. Soon, Sana is pregnant with the child but starts to suspect that the child is not Yujin's but rather the Red Fox. Bari goes to the king, annoyed by the fact that he refused to listen to her about Sana, and kills him at the request of the Red Fox. Sana is heartbroken and tries to have a child, wanting to have anything left of Yujin, however, the other concubines poison her and end up killing her child. Sana, angered by this, goes and kills the concubine and Bari after learning that she killed Yujin. Deep in her heart, she realizes that she's always been the creature and will have to stay with the Red Fox forever. The latest chapter ends with a flashback to Bari wanting to change fate.

As I've said, the story is very good (minus the incest) and is less confusing after Sana becomes the main protagonist. One of the things I really enjoyed about this story was the parallels between Sana and Sonia. Sonia was a girl who was always sick but was loved by everyone around her and thus wished that her daughter would be the same. While she had a short life, she tried desperately to have her daughter live longer. In contrast to Sana, who while was also loved by others, had a warped sense of love after a while thanks to the Red Fox and hated being loved. She lived far longer than her mother did thanks to being immortal but hated being alive, even at some point trying to kill herself because she hated the Red Fox. Sonia also indirectly caused her daughter the pain she had because she taught the Red Fox what love was, and her wishes, though pure-hearted, were corrupted thanks to the Red Fox himself.

The Red Fox is an interesting yandere because, within the story, it's mentioned multiple times that he cannot feel or understand love. He tries desperately to gain the love of Sana, not killing because of her and wanting to stay by her side as much as possible, and it's even stated that although he had other women in his long lifespan that he can no longer live without Sana. His jealousy and thirst for blood make him cruel and cause Sana to hate him more, something that he doesn't understand due to him being inhuman. He's also incredibly smart, and I enjoyed how he was able to purposefully lose the bet to Sana, only to turn it around on her and force her to come back to him, in a cruel way. Sana and the Red Fox's dynamic is something I enjoyed as well, as Sana absolutely despises the Red Fox, but cannot leave him while the Red Fox tries his hardest to please her and have her love him. It's a tragic story for both sides, but especially on the part of Sana, as she was forced to be his.

The incest in this story is seriously horrible, especially between Sana and Yujin and it's constantly mentioned that it's incest. Even between Sana and Yujin, where Yujin first states that it's weird that the two are in love as they're siblings, but they still go with it anyways. Even the maid tries to explain to the Red Fox what sibling love is, and it becomes skewed due to Yujin and Sana's relationship. Even Bari goes to the king and tries to get him to stop, mentioning that he's just like the Red Fox when he's engaging in incest. All the sex scenes just make it more disturbing and I was in a constant state of going ew, ew, ew, ew as I read those parts.

Sorry for such a long description of the story, it can be hard to keep track of what's going on because there are a lot of side stories going on and it's a story that moves over generations. I read the entire thing again while I was on vacation and I really don't want to have to read through the incest portions again.

[wallflowerimagines]

Hi! if your not busy or backed up could you do the four lords( and possibly the dimitrescu daughters totally cool if you dont) helping a s/o who's stressed about starting college

I'm cracking my knuckles right now. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

Warning: Some unhealthy behaviors? You call these dorks out on it though.

Alcina Dimitrescu

Initially, you're stoked! College is a big deal for anyone at any age, and you're thrilled to check off this box on your list of accomplishments. It's a big deal!

A...really, really big deal...

Your internal monologue becomes a mess of "Oh god, oh fuck, oh no", on loop, ad infinitum. There's a lot to consider here, and with every new thought you just get even more stressed.

The minute Alcina sees you in this state, she pulls you in for a hug, plays with your hair, and talks you through your feelings. Do you really want to go to college, or do you feel forced into it? Are you worried about the distance? The amount of work? Do you want her to hire tutors instead?

She very much takes a logical, structured approach to addressing your worries. If it's a problem with paperwork, she can have someone handle it for you. If it's general stress she very efficiently talks you through your feelings. If there's someone in particular that's making you feel this stressed, they'll just disappear. No muss, no fuss.

Alcina dissects any possible reasoning you might have to be pressured until it's such a non-issue you feel almost silly for being panicked at all.

Still, she promises to call you every day, if you need her. Honestly, she expects you to call as often as possible, because she's going to miss you like crazy. But she will always be there for you, Darling. Don't you ever worry about that.

Donna Beneviento

College? You're leaving? 🥺

Donna's not trying to guilt you, but the thought of being away from you for an extended period of time is extremely stressful. It's not quite separation anxiety, but it's close.

Something might happen to you if you're away from the Manor for too long! What if you need help and she can't get to you? What if someone tries to hurt you? Donna might be sheltered, but she's heard things about what happens at Colleges, and not all of it is good.

Considering the fact you're also stressed about this situation, it's not a great combination. Both of you are very emotional at the moment, so there's a likelihood that this might cause one or both of you to have a little breakdown.

Instead of your normal fun, relaxing nights together, the lead up to your departure gives your nights a different atmosphere. You're on the floor of the sitting room, sifting through paperwork with a devastated look on your face, while Donna is nearby and trying hard to pretend this isn't happening.

One of you is going to break first, and the confrontation is not going to be pretty or easy. It's a build up of a bunch of emotion, and both of you just sob while holding each other tightly. You vent your worries to Donna, and she explains her concerns to you, and while you guys might not solve all of those dilemmas in one night, both of you do feel better after having explained your anxieties to each other. Communication is key for this to work out, and both of you need comforting.

Donna winds up building you a brand new doll with a piece of her Cadou in it. It's a new member of the family, specifically crafted to keep an eye on you and help you two communicate over long distances. If something goes wrong, or you two miss each other so badly you can't stand it anymore, you two talk through this new friend and immediately feel connected. The distance doesn't feel so great anymore <3

Salvatore Moreau

HYPED! (Devastated)

Moreau adores you, and he is so, so happy you're going to go pursue your dreams. He can't wait to hear about all the things you've experienced, all the people you meet...

You're going to make tons of new friends, he just knows it!

(You're going to meet someone else, someone better, and you're going to leave him. He just knows it. )

Moreau will never tell you how he really feels about you leaving. You could have a full blown panic attack, and he will hold you close, comfort you, reassure you, and do his absolute best to make you feel better. Meanwhile he is absolutely trying to bury the fact that he thinks you're going to meet your perfect partner at college, abandon him, and live your own version of happily ever after.

It might sound silly to you, but it's a genuine concern for him. He's a monster, and you're about to leave to spend time with a bunch of normal people. As he holds you close and convinces you that the things you're stressed about are easily solvable and are tasks that he could help you with, internally he's absolutely convinced that once you leave, you're going to find your soulmate on campus.

The last thing he wants to do is add to your stress, so unless you can read him well, it's likely you'll never know how worried he is. He's so focused on comforting you and making sure you feel confident enough to handle your next adventure that his own worries take a backseat.

He'll be less concerned if you call him and tell him about your day. It reassures him that you love him, even from afar, and his own stress dissolves when you start to ramble about how much you miss him. 💕

Karl Heisenberg

It's cute that you think you're leaving him behind.

You two are a team, did you seriously expect that he'd be alright with you leaving? With you trying to go to a campus where he can't get to you if something goes wrong?

Heisenberg reacts like an upset pet or a clingy child when it comes to the idea of you leaving for college. He knows it's not forever, and he knows you're coming back--that's not his problem.

His problem is the fact that you're leaving at all.

You two are partners-- a perfect match. He's had this idea in his head ever since you both became a couple that the two of you would hardly ever be apart. Now that you're going to be out of his sight for longer than a week? It's preemptively triggering separation anxiety. He's not happy.

He genuinely tries to get you to take exclusively online courses if you aren't already, just so that you stay with him.

He's so consumed by the concept that you'll be away from him that it takes a while for it to click that, uh, this attitude of his? Not helpful.

You're twice as stressed as you were before, and now you're also angry at Heisenberg for pulling all of this childish nonsense. You love him, but he's being an incredibly insensitive dumbass, and you've got to call him on it.

Phones exist. Skype exists. Hell, the two of you can write letters to each other if you want. It's not like he won't ever get to talk to you! All he's doing is adding to your stress and making you feel worse about a big decision that you've already made, and that's not okay! If he's supposed to be your "perfect match", why isn't he being more supportive?

That snaps him right out of it. While Karl still sulks a bit, he puts on his big boy pants and gives you a proper apology.

Once he's got his head on straight, he's very good at helping you through your worries. Heisenberg will massage your shoulders, talk you through any paperwork you might be having trouble with, and helps you triple check your to-do list. He loves you, and always wants to help, but sometimes he gets carried away.

Just...promise to visit often, alright? He's gonna miss you. 💕

Bela Dimitrescu

Jealous. As. Hell.

She doesn't openly make it obvious, but you know her. You know Bela's little mannerisms and tells, and it's obvious to you that the eldest daughter of the Dimitrescu clan wants to go to college along with you. Unfortunately, due to the fact that she can't easily travel, she can't come along.

It's... not a great situation, considering you're so stressed. You're worried about admissions, being accepted into the classes you need, your curriculum, but Bela doesn't try to comfort you. Instead, she sulks in the background.

Eventually, this blows up between the both of you. You're upset and angry that Bela isn't being more supportive, and Bela is angry that you're the one who gets such an incredible opportunity to leave and explore the world while she's stuck in Dimitrescu Castle.

Why are you stressed? It's an amazing opportunity, it doesn't make sense that you're so worried!

...She's so harsh about it that you might start crying, at which point Bela realizes that she might have fucked up. The last thing she wants to do is hurt your feelings, so she'll pull you into a hug and immediately babble apologies until she's blue in the face.

Once you calm down, you're going to have to explain that just because it looks and sounds fun, College does have challenges of its own. The idea that you get to go learn all sorts of things isn't sunshine and roses--there's a lot of pressure to do well.

Bela is a little quiet after that, but you notice she's much more supportive. She starts to treat your worries more seriously, and even will go to Alcina to try to get some advice on how to help you.

She's still a little envious, but she hides it better now. The last thing that Bela wants to do is stress you out right before you leave. She loves you, and wants your last memories before you go to be positive and something happy that you can look back on when you're away.

Cassandra Dimitrescu

Thrilled for you!

College sounds so exciting! She honestly desperately wants to go with you, but due to the composition of her body, she can't exactly leave the Castle.

She winds up asking you all sorts of questions, following you through the hallways, wondering how you feel about leaving to a brand new place, with brand new people, all of the classes you're going to take....

...It really doesn't help with the anxiety. Cassandra won't leave you alone, and is so fixated on asking you all these questions that it actually makes you worry about things that you hadn't even considered before. What if you hate your Major? What if your professors turn out to be terrible?

Instead of your cheerful responses from before, you start to shut down at all of the questions. Cassandra quickly cues into the fact that something is wrong, and when she asks, all of your worries come pouring out.

Immediately, she pulls you into a hug and apologizes. She didn't mean to stress you out at all, she just wanted to share the experience with you!

Once the two of you clear the air, though? She cracks her knuckles and goes full bookworm.

Cassandra's...not great at staying focused, but she does have a few tips and tricks that she shares with you if it helps.

She also is really great at finding resources that might help you out. Despite her issues focusing on anything other than non-fiction, she does know her way around a library, and will pull any and all reference texts about what you might be studying while you're away.

By the time you're ready to leave Castle Dimitrescu, you've got two years worth of knowledge packed into your head, an optimally organized suitcase, and a lingering kiss from your girlfriend that makes it hard to worry about anything else 💕💕💕

Daniela Dimitrescu

...doesn't handle it well at all.

Daniela doesn't want you to leave. It doesn't matter the situation, it doesn't matter what the context is, you're her partner in crime and she refuses to let you go.

In fact, she tries to sabotage your efforts to leave.

It starts small. Your suitcases mysteriously unpack themselves in the middle of the night. Important papers keep going missing, and you have to reprint a lot of documentation. Your phone disappears for hours at a time.

When all you do is grumble and fix what she's messed with, she gets angrier and escalates. Your laptop goes missing. Your textbooks disappear. You start to question where you left your keys, because they seem to move around the room without your input.

Meanwhile, Daniela is being passive aggressive any time you bring up college. She refuses to talk about it at all with you, and acts like you're not even leaving.

It all comes to a head one day when you burst into tears from all the added stress. This is so, so important to you, and not only are you not getting any help or comfort from your partner, but all of your stuff is going missing!

Daniela immediately feels terrible. As much as she didn't want you to go, the last thing she ever wanted to do was make you cry.

She's not super emotionally mature, so while she comforts you, she has a group of flies separate from the rest and bring back all of your things. You figure it out an call her on it, but she actually looks on the verge of tears herself as she explains to you why she did it. She's so, so sorry, but she doesn't want you to go! She loves you!

You two have a long talk about why this isn't cute, funny or acceptable, no matter her feelings. You might even bring Alcina in on it, just in case. Still, the two of you do work through it, and while Daniela isn't the best with helping with general prep, puts 100% into keeping your mood high.

With time, she finds herself... well not okay with it, but she can now tolerate the idea. As long as you talk to her every day!

(And yes, she calls you multiple times a day when you're gone. Alcina eventually caves and gets her a phone, just so she isn't constantly using the line that Mother Miranda uses to check up on the Castle. The two of you talk so often you barely even have time to miss her💕)

[idvlover]

Hello sorry if your asks are closed I didn't see anything but if you could write kroto x inference enemies to lovers headcanons that would be great!

You guys are causing me to find new ships with Naib. If you ever want to talk more about this ship I'd be more than happy to!!

Inference X Kroto enemies to lovers:

With how everything started at the theater with Lady Bella's death. Its clear Inference isn't there to try and get along with everyone, the only friend he has there is Ronald

With how he's interviewing everyone. He's nitpicking everything and won't let up on certain clues and it just makes everyone upset, but they know he's just doing his job. That is what makes him a pretty popular detective after all

When time came for Kroto's turn, she became extremely nervous simply because of his approach. She did suddenly becomes popular after Lady Bella's death and that is a little strange after all

So of course she gets mad when he points that out

"I would NEVER kill anyone over fame!"

"Then why are you getting so defensive about the situation?"

"Because- I mean who wouldn't?! You're pointing the finger at me!"

"I am only trying to piece together evidence."

Yeah, that didn't pan out nicely. Inference ended up becoming more suspicious and Kroto is desperately trying to keep her name clean

Someone gave her the advice to just stay calm. But how can you stay calm when someone thinks you're a killer?

Inference does move onto Scrooge much to her relief. But Ronald warns he doesn't just keep his focus on someone just once

This made her grumble. She just wanted to achieve her dream! Is that so much to ask for? Yes, it was a terrible thing to do by taking Lady Bella's spotlight right after her death, but how can she control what the audience wants?

They were always arguing about evidence or who it really was. It was even starting to annoy Inference because he's just doing his job

When Inference does come back to her. She remains calm this time. Answers all of his questions, don't get defensive and tries to be accurate with her whereabouts

But he points out that some of them don't match up, she was about to panic until he said: "Everyone here seems to have a solid alibi though. Someone even vouched for you."

The day he left is the same day she quickly changed Theater. She just could face the Gold Rose Theater because of what happened. It was upsetting and scary

After some time goes by, Inference does go back to the theater to check on everyone. When he hears about Kroto. He feels a small sense of guilt, he knows he might be one of the reasons she left and that's not what he meant to cause

He also wonders if she is okay because seeing someone die in front of you can do a lot to someone's mental health

Truth encouraged him to go to the other theater to check on her if he's that worried

And he does. He goes and watches one of her performances and he found it neat!

But when Kroto is taking a break she notices him

He walks about to her and her only response is: "are you here to try and see if it was me who killed Bella? Because if so then leave, you said it yourself I'm innocent"

He sighed knowing that a response like that was coming

"I just wanted to check on you"

"Why?"

"Because you were one of the witnesses. Seeing someone die is awful"

She stood there shocked. He was right, seeing Bella die was awful, but she doesn't want his comfort. So she walks away

After that Inference sometimes just steps in to watch her performance to see if she's alright then leave

Kroto notices this... And it felt nice... No one at the theater did that for her when Bella died

She's tried many times to catch him before he leaves, but he was already driving down the road by the time she gets a chance

But she did see his friend Truth walking down the sidewalk. So she asks her if she can give him the invitation to one of her performances. One that he could actually stay for from start to end

Inference got the invitation. After everything that had happened, why does she want him to watch her performance

Truth told him she'll take over the office and he can go have a break for once in his life (he literally went from fighting a war to solving murders- like take a break from that mess my guy)

It felt weird staying for the play. But it was nice

Yes, he sat very far in the back because rarely anybody sits there, But Kroto is glad he did because she was worried he didn't show up and he was easy to find

After the performance, Inference was smiling. He now sees why she became popular so quickly she's great at what she does!

He does try to leave at the end, nearly had a heart attack when someone grabs his wrist only to see it was Kroto. She looked relieved to see him and he got worried

But she reassured him that she was just glad he came. After that, it was an awkward silence. Inference was going to leave, but Kroto quickly asked if he wanted to have dinner with her and tried not to sound eager. He accepts it

They don't go anywhere too fancy. Just a nice little local restaurant

"I'm sorry." Said Inference.

"For... For what??"

"For driving you away from the Gold Rose theater. That wasn't my intention."

It's been a long time since the incident. Kroto later down the road realized he was simply doing his job and of course people are going the be intimidated by a detective

"Don't apologize for doing your job. I was scared because who wouldn't be? I mainly left because I couldn't look at the stage the same due to Bella's death."

After that, Kroto invites him more often and started to gain feelings for him

She would even drop by his office and drop off a packed lunch for him. Sometimes even tell him to take a short break

"Take a break."

"No."

"There's a new café down the road."

".... Fine."

She wants to tell him how she feels, but at the same time she doesn't think he'll return the feeling because of how busy he is

Fortunately for her, he does feel the same. He wants to tell her but doesn't know how to

So he invites her on a late-night walk. He's trying to think of the words to use

"So... I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

"If you and I are.... Together maybe. Would you be okay with that?"

She thinks she knows what he's saying, but she wants to make sure that her heart doesn't get ahead of her head

"Together as in... Like a couple?"

"Yes. Like a couple."

Kroto had to keep herself from jumping on him for a hug. So she settles for taking his hand into hers: "Yes. I would very much like that."

Inference can see the excitement in her face, so he gives her a sweet kiss

Kroto likes initiating affection and Inference is fine with that so long as it is in private

On days when she's done performing, Inference would pick her up and take her home

Sometimes it's the other way around if she's on her day off and she'll take him home

Inference becomes very protective of her when it comes to fans. He knows there are some weird ones out there, so he teaches her different ways of self-defense

Their dates are usually at home dates where it's just the two of them relaxing

Kroto messing with him by laying her foot on his shoulder playfully asking him to massage them

"Would you?"

"What is with you and putting your foot on my shoulder-"

They love winter activities. Especially ice skating. Kroto will be twirling around and pulling Inference along

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

How would have a hypothetical "Ironwood redemption arc" have gone in your opinion?

That is a....complicated question anon. Because the way initially Volume 7 set up things James didn’t really need to be redeemed in any sense. Is leaving behind citizens in Mantel a good thing? Of course not. But James didn’t just leave everyone for giggles and shit or because he hated Mantel. He was in the middle of evacuating Mantel when he found out Salem was coming and was massively triggered and his trauma induced flight response kicked in. He was scared, more scared then we had ever seen him before, all he could think to do was run with what they had as fast as possible, and the question on whether that was the best choice is an interesting moral dilemma but not something either side would need a redemption arc for. Both RWBY and James where justified in their beliefs on both sides but at the time technically by defying James and actively trying to stop him that put RWBY more in the wrong.

The issue is the writers said they wanted a complex moral dilemma in volume 7 but then too many people agreed with James so they decided to backpedal and make James a monster rather then continue the compelling and complex moral dilemma they created. The way V7 was set up neither side was necessarily in need of redemption. They could have learned to work together better and James could learn that sometimes it’s worth it to take risks to save more lives and RWBY could have learned sometimes they can’t save everyone but that doesn’t make them bad people, it just means the bad guys are that, bad people who are willing to kill innocent people and sometimes they cause too much damage for them to save everyone but it’s not their fault or the fault of anyone trying to save those people when not everyone is saved. Sometimes they can do everything right and the bad guys still win.

But okay I know that’s not technically the ask but it’s hard for me because if I had my way so much of volume 8 would not have even happened so theirs nothing James would needed to have been redeemed for. Sure he might have learned that sometimes it is worth it to risk everything to save everyone but that’s not a redemption thing that’s a learning and maybe kind of recovering from severe trauma deal. For at least everything RWBY was willing to condemn him for (remember they told everyone James was untrustworthy when all he’d done that they where aware of was try and escape Salem with everyone on Atlas and leave those he couldn’t evacuate behind. Really James could argue at that point that he had a plan and no one else offered a better plan that was viable and he would be right. No one tried to come up with a doable plan and just threw a hissy fit when they told James to come up with something better and he couldn’t. This man is going through a major PTSD induced panic attack and is being triggered to hell and back all he can probably think to do is run he’s not in a mental state to come up with something better but it’s what everyone is demanding of him and are getting pissed when he can’t. But okay to make things simpler I’ll look at Volume 8 James in his complete OOC nonsense for a moment and work with that, but even so for a redemption arc to work their needs to be some major changes to the volume. (Beneath the link because I have a lot to say lolz)

So one issue I have with the idea of having to redeem James is that no one ever tries to reach out to James and give any sort of viable option to save everyone, they just tell him he has to save everyone and throws a hissy fit when he says he can’t. For this all to work instead we need to see the girls trying to reach him and talk to him and beg to stop for a moment and let them think and come up with something but James refuses insisting they have no time and can’t wait to come up with something or everyone will die.

In this version James would not kill Sleet, shoot down the SDC ships or threaten to bomb Mantel. Instead he arrests the council and tells them once they’re safe from Salem they can do with him whatever they please as long as everyone is safe. After Oscar blows up the whale James tells the team he has a bomb ready to drop on Salem when she starts t reform but the team realizes that dropping the bomb would likely kill civilians close to said bomb but in James’s mind it’s what has to be done to buy them time to escape but everyone refuses to go along with James’s plan.

I’m torn on James hacking Penny because I think it would violate her autonomy in a way I feel like James wouldn’t want to do but at the same time if he’s really set on doing whatever needs to be done to save the many he might do that so I guess the hacking Penny thing is a little up in the air for me. If we want to push James further into darker morally gray he would hack her but if we want to keep him from going to far he wouldn’t. If he does hack her his justification would be he needs the staff to save people and Penny is the only way he can get the staff. (Regardless Penny would not be turned human because that is BS).

When Ruby sends the SDC ships Grimm would instead tear them down and James would recuse to send ships to help because in his mind it would be a pointless waste and he can’t lost what few ships he has left to protect Atlas as it’s fleeing Salem so the Grimm destroy the ships meant to evacuate people.

After Atlas falls have him survive and be desperately trying to find any survivors and completely falling apart as he slowly realizes no one survived and everyone is dead. Have him break and when he’s found by the ace ops and Qrow he’s inconsolable.

Qrow wants to blame James for everything that went wrong and James just doesn’t care anymore, he’s broken and just wishes he had died as well because it’s what he deserved in his mind. All he had done every morally questionable thing he had done to save everyone only wound up killing them all. Have him loath himself and tell Qrow to just kill him and get it over with, have that be what finally snaps Qrow out of his anger and make him realize he also abandoned James and that at least some of this maybe could have been stopped if he’d actually been supporting. James the whole time. Have them both apologize to each other and accept that they both made mistakes and they both failed. Have them all make their way to Vacuo with James swearing to do better and do so.

When they reach Vacuo Winter and co not trust James and want to arrest or even kill him and have Qrow and the ace ops defend him and tell them they can trust him and that they are also to blame for Atlas and that they can’t just throw all t he blame on James, have James apologize for the things that crossed the line that he did, have him tell everyone about his semblance so they understand what happened so they can hold him accountable and catch him before he gets to far in the future.

Have James be in the streets doing whatever he can to help people, have him push himself to his limit trying to keep going as long as he can before completely crashing. Have him doubt and second guess himself every time he makes a decision wondering if he’s making the same mistakes again but Qrow is their to assure him he’s not.

But even this scenario isn’t really ideal I think it would be so much more interesting if it’s RWBY that needs to be “redeemed” for lack of better words. This would bring a lot of changes to volume 8 but I think it’s some needed changes. The girls have been just doing whatever they feel like the entire series and not really ever facing any consequences. Have that finally catch up to them. We would cut the whole James shooting Sleep, trying to bomb Mantel and him hacking Penny nonsense. Instead have James arrest the council explaining that he has no choice and they can do what they see fit to him once they’ve escaped Salem and everyone is safe. Have him when Oscar blows up the Whale have him try and reach out to them and tell them that they bought Mantel time and when the girls send the SDC ships have Grimm attack the ships instead and James is trying to help defend them but he also lost a lot of ships and firepower in the attack and he can only watch helplessly as the ships that would have continued evacuations get destroyed along with the few ships he had left. Have the girls think he intentionally let this happen and refuse to speak to him. Except for Penny who is torn on what to do but everyone is telling her not to trust James but she doesn’t know what to think anymore.

Meanwhile James is in Atlas trying to figure out what to do, he doesn’t want to leave people behind but with no ships left to evacuate and the girls refusing to speak to him so he can’t use the staff he doesn’t know what to do. Qrow escapes and goes to confront James because he’s broken about Clover dying (Qrow doesn’t side with Tyrian in this version) and wants someone to blame he can actually do something about and while fighting James is trying to reach to Qrow who has a breakdown and hates himself for Clover dying and hates his semblance and thinks he’s a curse and James has to remind him he’s not a curse and it’s not his fault and Qrow asks if the same applies to him but James just can’t respond because he does blame himself for how things have gotten and the girls not trusting him and Qrow realizing that it’s his fault because he didn’t stand up for James and he apologizes for letting the girls lie to him for so long and not saying anything. Have James apologize for not trusting others more to help and come up with ideas and trying to do it all on his own.

After this they try and contact the team again but the girls all think Qrow is being manipulated by James and refuse to listen and do their plan of tricking James and arresting him only this time Qrow is also arrested again. The whole portals thing can happen same as in the show with the show actually showing a lot of people died and didn’t make it through and James again survives because of Mettle and Qrow survives because he turns into a bird and flies away but comes back trying to find any survivors and finds James. After realizing their are no survivors they decide to go to Vacuo because that’s where Salem will go next and they find what remains of the survivors. Winter and co are exhausted trying to keep everyone safe on their own and they’ve lost a chunk of the few that made it through the portals.

When Ruby and co make it back from their vacation I mean the island they expect to find people thanking them in Vacuo but instead they’re met with anger. People who lost loved ones who would have survived with James’s plan, people who now have nothing and Vacuo is straining for enough resources and people are dying slowly because their just isn’t enough to sustain everyone.

I know the show would never go this route I just think it would have been interesting and then facing some consequences for their actions is long overdue at this point. I have a more realistic au I want to eventually do but that’s all in a different post.

So long story short, I just do not think James should have ever even gotten to the point of needing to be redeemed with our so called Hero’s RIGHT THEIR. They should have reached out to him and stopped him from spiraling out of control but CRWBY knew that if anyone reached out he might not have spiraled but the girls couldn’t have been the sole hero’s of the story and we can’t have that so they did....volume 8 instead not realizing the girls could have been the hero’s and James not screwed over if they actually tried to write a good and compelling story but just decided it was too much work.

Sorry this is long and rambling but I don’t have a computer right now and I don’t know when I’ll have it so I’m doing this on mobil (also app crashed and I lost my first draft of this so I may have lost some stuff that was in the original version rip)

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story! Pt 5- Fantasy World

Here is the next part! Starting out in a new world! 

I made a master post with chapter links! - linked here

Enjoy!

_________________________

It was the emptiness between worlds. 

I hung there, formless, empty, in total darkness as a slow sense of confusion washed over me. From what I could remember transfers between worlds had always been rapid. The longest I had ever spent in this nothingness had been a few seconds. But as seconds turned to minutes, and confusion grew into panic, I finally called out, surprised I could hear my own voice.

“Am I done?” Had this task of transferring between story worlds finally finished? Would I get my memories back? Go home?

There was a flash of joy at the thought, followed by an uneasy feeling as I thought about the person who had followed me the last two worlds.

Liam. Is he really waiting for me in the next one?

Before I could examine my thoughts or feelings too closely, however, words formed in the space in front of me, the bright blue letters glowing in the surrounding darkness.

Have you learned to accept you fate?

“Accept my fate?” I shook my head. “You mean that I’m destined to travel between worlds being useless and bitter side characters?”

You can go home. You can have everything back.

“Wait… I can?”

All you have to do is accept the destiny given to you.

What does that mean?!!I wanted to know who I was, I wanted to end this constant world hopping. But even as I prepared to accept, a severe stabbing pain filled my head. Something had been forgotten, something desperately important, but the harder I tried to catch it the further it fled. As I struggled I felt something deep within my soul rise up, and a single word was shouted instead of the agreement I had initially meant to give.

“NEVER!” It came out a snarl, filled with bitterness and rage, and overwhelming hatred and anger flooded my senses.

I couldn’t give up.

I WOULD NEVER give up.

Even if I wasn’t sure what that meant.

Very well. It was just silent text, but I could sense the disappointment behind them.

Then continue.

Before I could respond, the words faded, and I was in a new world.

_________________________

“Help me!” A young voice filled with fear called out.

I opened my eyes, blinking in the bright sunlight, taking in the world around me.

Trees. Massive trees, in every direction I could see. A thin film of sunlight passed through the thick canopy of leaves, illuminating the ground covered in flowers. Butterflies of every color flittered around me, moving frantically from bloom to bloom. A dense smell of grass mixed with a sweet aroma of the flowers around me filled the air. It was a paradise.

“HELP!” Hearing the voice call out again, I leapt to my feet, feeling oddly unbalanced.

Why do I feel so… small? Looking down at my hands, I saw that they were much smaller than any of my previous bodies, with chubby, childish fingers. My legs were short, the small toes of my bare feet buried in the grass in flowers. I wore a simple green smock that came to my knees, the dress hanging straight down over a flat chest.

I was a child.

Well… this is new.Before I could truly process the new body, I heard another scream of fear and ran towards it, trying to cope to the much shorter leg length than what I had previously taken for granted in the zombie world. As I passed between two large tree trunks, I skidded to a stop, gaping at the sight in front of me.

There was an elven child under attack.

He was about the same size as me, with pale skin, delicate features, and long pointed ears that poked through golden hair. A pair of bright green eyes, filled with tears and fear stared up at me. His small arms and legs flailed wildly trying to strike at the dark monster that pushed him to the ground.

I grabbed a branch on the ground, stumbling a bit from the weight and my lack of strength, and dragged it over.  Screaming out, I swung the branch at the creature attacking the boy, knocking him several feet away.

The shadowy monster landed on its feet, turning towards me with a loud snarl. It had the vague form of a large wolf, but its entire being was made of darkness, the edges of its body blurred, as if it were something unnatural pushing against the edges of reality. From in between its black pointed fangs, a dark liquid dropped, burning the grass it touched. The only color that could be seen were its eyes, that were a startling shade of dark blue.

“Get behind me.” I snapped at the child, brandishing my makeshift weapon again.

He stared up at me silently, his eyes confused, his body frozen in place.

“Or you can just lay there and let the monster eat you. That works too I guess.”  I felt sorry for the kid, but it wasn’t like I had time to coddle him.

At my sarcastic words he seemed to shake himself, rolling to his feet and stumbling behind me, just as the shadow creature pounced.

SMACK! The branch connected solidly with the creature’s head, the wood sinking into the shadow for the briefest moment before the monster was thrown back into a tree.

It growled softly, getting back to its feet. A slow trickle of blue blood ran from the wound, floating in the air and dissipating into nothingness.

“Bad shadow wolf! Go back to your home!” I held up the stick again, groaning. “Where’s a spray bottle when you need it?”

Before I could bemoan my lack of canine training tools, the creature lifted its head, seeming to hear some silent call. It pointed its jaws to the sky letting out an eerie howl, before leaping into the air and disappearing, leaving only the wreckage and dead plants as evidence that it had ever been there.

I sighed with relief, turning to the child behind me. “Are you okay?”

“You… you drove it off!” His eyes were wide with shock. “You saved me!”

“No big deal…”

“It was so scary.” He clenched his fists. “I was too weak. I couldn’t do anything.”

“Um… I wouldn’t really worry about…” Sensing a character development monologue coming, I desperately tried to interrupt.

He picked up a branch swinging it in the air with a fierce expression. “I swear on the graves of my parents, I will become stronger, someone who can defend the weak!” Looking over at me, he added. “You won’t have to worry anymore, I’ll protect you.”

“Weak? Seriously did you not just see me beat it up…”

“After all, I owe you my life.” He reached over and grabbed my hand enthusiastically. “So I’ll stay by your side until my debt is repaid.”

Uh oh. Adorable elf boy, dead parents, attacked by monsters and vows to grow stronger?  My male lead senses are tingling. Better get away.

I smiled blandly, pulling my hand out of his grasp. “I was saving my own skin. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I do!” He put his hand to his heart and bowed. “I am K’lliean.”

There was an awkward silence.

Crap! I haven’t gotten the mission or the character’s memories yet. Well last time they let me rename my character… here’s hoping.

“My name is Blaire.”

“Belaire?”

Bright blue words formed in the air beside me.

You have chosen to select the character name “Belaire” All characters’ memories will be adjusted accordingly.

**** Confirm character name? ****

Slightly off… but … “Sure.”

Character name confirmed.

I stayed calm, even with the scrolling text in the sky that only I could see. This had happened before, in story worlds where a cellphones didn’t exist. The text simply appeared on the sky, responding to voice instead of typing.

Now that K’lliean’s memories had been properly adjusted, he had backed away, a look of disgust on his face.

“Stay away from me, you… you…” He glared at me. “Stupid girl!”

“How will I ever recover from that insult?” I held a hand up to my head. “But sure, I’m fine staying far away from you.” Always safer to not hang around the male lead type too much.

“I’m NEVER going to marry you, so don’t even think about it.”

“…” I shrugged. “Ok.” I’m already hating this plot, and I don’t even know it yet.

“I’m going to be a great warrior one day! I’m not some HELPER for a stupid priestess!”

“No one’s arguing with you, dude. Go live your life.”

K’llean stared at me for a few moments, and then looked away suddenly. “I mean… if you REALLY want to marry me, I’ll let you stay by my side.”

“Literally never asked for that.”

“But don’t forget that I don’t like you! I’m only marrying you to help save the forest.”

What in the world is this plot?!!!

I rubbed my forehead, a headache forming. “Don’t worry about it, kid. I’m sure there are other alternatives besides matrimony to save the forest. I’ll figure it out.”

“SHUT UP!” K’llean stomped his foot. “I’ll save this forest, and I won’t need the help from a stupid girl like you!” With that he ran off, leaving me behind to stare at his back in shock.

“Knew the trend of reasonable male leads wouldn’t last.” With a chuckle, I sat down with my back against an enormous tree trunk and spoke to the air around me. “Open mission.”

Words began forming in the air in front of me.

**** NEW WORLD: THE CHOSEN ONE ****

This world is an incomplete epic fantasy novel, centering on the heroine Stella. Stella was an average 21-year-old college student, until she was transported into a world of fantasy, swords and magic. Learning that her arrival was predicted by prophecy, and that she is the Chosen One who must save the world, she harnesses her newfound magical abilities and goes on a epic quest to defeat the Lord of Darkness.

“So far so good. Maybe she’ll be a fun heroine like last time…”

During her journey, Stella falls in love with a elven warrior named K’llean.

“CALLED IT! He’s totally the male lead!” I high fived myself, and then felt embarrassed at the lonely gesture.

K’llean returned her feelings, however, he was already married to the elven priestess, who was tasked with saving the forest by combining their light magic abilities. The high priestess, hurt by K’llean’s betrayal, initially tried to send away Stella, but instead, in a terrible battle against the dark forces, chose to sacrifice herself to save the Chosen One’s life.

“I have a bad feeling about that priestess character.”

This story was discontinued after the author quit the story, fed up with complaints from the readers. There was a huge backlash at the story’s treatment of the elven priestess, a fan favorite character. Additionally, very few readers supported the romance subplot between Stella and K’llean, given that it began in earnest while K’llean was still married. There was general complaint that Stella and K’llean never received any consequence for their betrayal of the loyal priestess, and that her death was simply to pave the way for the “Chosen One.”  The story world was abandoned and left to be destroyed.

The author’s main regret is the sad fate of the elven priestess. To complete their wish and stabilize this world, please allow the elven priestess to live a long, happy life. For this mission to succeed, the world must still be saved from the Lord of Darkness without sacrificing the life of the priestess.

**** DO YOU ACCEPT THIS MISSION?****

“…” I stared at the words thoughtfully. “So I just have to find this priestess and make sure she doesn’t get married to the cheating idiot and lives happily without sacrificing her life for them?” My eyes narrowed. “I feel like there’s gotta be a catch. What if I say ‘no’?”

**** DO YOU ACCEPT THIS MISSION?****

The words appeared again. I wasn’t surprised. There was only ever one option.

“Yes.”

My brain was filled with a flood of information, foreign knowledge, memories and emotions belonging to my character. I closed my eyes, groaning with pain, my fist hitting the ground beside me over and over until the skin split, my blood staining the leaves and grass.

“Well… this sucks.” I knew there was going to be a catch, but when I figured it out, all I could do was smile bitterly at my new identity.I should have guessed.

I was the elven priestess.

_________________________

I leaned my head against the tree trunk, sorting through the new information, the rough bark digging into my scalp. A slow trickle of tears overflowed from my closed eyes, as I fought back the emotions that weren’t my own.

The priestess had truly loved K’llean.

She had known from an early age that she was to be a priestess. Her strong light magic, tested from birth, left her with no choice but to serve her people. Part of that role required her to marry an elf with strong magic, combining their powers to allow the forest to be protected. K’llean was one of many young elves that had been approved as a potential partner.

They met in a similar way that I had just experienced, with her saving his life from a shadow beast. From that moment on, they had spent every waking moment together, growing up side by side. And on the night of her adult ceremony at the age of eighteen, she had chosen him without hesitation.

I could feel her memories, of K’llean watching her with a loving gaze.

“I’ll stand by your side, even if no one else does. Forever.”

She had believed him, whole heartedly.

But he was the male lead, so his love, his true love, was only ever given to the heroine.

The Chosen One.

This world was made for her, for her happiness.

How could one priestess stand against it? 

When she found them together… she tried to protest, tried to remind him of the love they had shared. But in the end, Stella had everything. Her people’s trust. Her husband’s love. Even her mission, to save the forest, the one she had trained her whole life to fulfill, had been handed over so easily.

She had nothing.

When she burned through her life force in the battle against the darkness, fueling a magic powerful enough to drive to out the dark creatures and purify the forest, she had felt nothing but a weary resignation.

She had fulfilled her task, protected her people.

But she had not left happily.

I covered my face with my hands, sobbing loudly with a pain I hadn’t experienced, but had become my own. It took some time, but eventually the storm passed. My throat was sore, my eyes sore, but my emotions slowly calmed down.

“I give you…us… a happy life.” I felt a sense of completeness at the words, a almost inaudible relieved sigh in my ear.

Shaking my head, I stood up, stretching with a groan. According to my memories, this character should be about eight years old.

I had already met K’llean. It was probably for the best. If I had the memories I had now, I might not have saved him, child or no.

His cold, careless eyes as he watched his wife sacrifice her life to protect his lover and himself was still fixed firmly in my mind. I wasn’t too happy about it.

The main issue was that I needed to be able to protect the forest, and that would be difficult to accomplish without either burning up my life force or combining my magic with another light magic elf… and K’llean had the strongest magic.

No way in hell am I marrying that guy. My thoughts strayed briefly to the man who had planned our wedding in the last world, wondering if I would see him again, before I reigned them in firmly.  So I just need to be powerful enough that I don’t need the cheater’s help. He can run off and romance the heroine to his heart’s content. I’m going to be the greatest light magic wielder this world has ever seen!

I rubbed my hands together, feeling excited. This was my first magic world, and I was starting out as a child, meaning I got to learn from the start. Elves in this world aged similarly to humans, which gave me about 10 years to prepare for the large scale battle against the darkness. Magic lessons should begin at age ten, but it shouldn’t be too hard to get them to start early.

Magical powers, here I come! 

A villainous laugh filled the air, completely out of place in the beautiful elven forest.

_________________________

“You’re too young.” The Elven leader’s lined face showed his concern as he shook his head at me. “It’s good to be eager, but you should enjoy the freedom and childhood you have before you’re forced to spend all your time studying.”

I glanced off to the side, where a group of elven children were playing. K’llean could be seen in the middle of the group, swinging a branch, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“I’M THE GREATEST!”

Spare me a childhood with him.I smiled at the elder. “It is my duty, and my joy to work hard for the sake of our people. I have a sense that I need to start early to be able to protect our forest.”

The leader eyed me suspiciously. “You were given a prophecy?”

I kept my smile firmly in place. “Sure.” It’s not completely a lie. In a way, I do know what the future holds.“If I’m not powerful enough by the time I reach adulthood. I will die, and the forest will be in grave danger.”

No need to mention the Chosen One for now. Don’t want them skimping on the training resources.

I struggled to keep my thoughts from showing on my face. The elder had been one of many who had supported my character whole-heartedly... at least until the heroine had shown up. Then he had cast her aside just as quickly. 

While still expecting her to be willing to die to protect him and his people.

This life will be different from hers. I’ll give them no choice but to want to stay on my good side.

Perhaps something in my tone or my gaze convinced the older elf. He sighed quietly, patting my head. “Very well. I hope you don’t regret this decision. Once you start, you can’t quit halfway, even if you want to go out and play with the other children.”

I again looked off at the group of young elves. K’llean was squatting over a boy he had just knocked down, farting in the other child’s face while yelling. “YIELD TO THE MIGHTY ELVEN WARRIOR!”

I turned back to the elder. “I am so sure. You have no idea how sure I am.”

“Then let’s begin.”

[skevans]

Nocturne op.72 no.1 — Essay

Hi, welcome to my long-forgotten tumblr I barely remembered existed. Dust and cobwebs aside, this is an essay I initially wrote in French for a Literature class. Don't ask me how the hell I found the will to hand this in to my teacher, bless his soul.

A couple of years later, I found that essay in the depth of a folder on my computer. I remembered what was in it, to a point, but when I decided to read it again, I got very emotional (and very mortified 'cause oh god school). And during the following weeks, I started thinking about a lot of things that were still floating unresolved within my head. But then, I decided to write. And after a few days of internal debate, I posted the first chapter of A Sea of Silence.

It's been months since I finished that story, and those months have not been kind to me for many reasons. And maybe that's why, this week, I started thinking about that essay. When I did, I was overcome with a desire to share it with the world—and especially with the people who read my fic. So here it is, hastily translated but just as honest. Please note that it discusses anxiety.

And so, thank you if you take the time to read this, and an even bigger thank you if you read the essay, too! 

Nocturne op.72 no.1

When I think back on my childhood, I hear the sound of piano. Various melodies follow me, accompanying me in a waltz between memories. It’s my mother’s interpretation of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata that haunts the quiet moments. My sister and I would play in an adjacent room, glowing with delight as our mother started the first movement. It’s the piece’s somber and melancholic tone that colours my memory, but it’s a good kind of darkness—the kind that feels like the soft touch of night as you walk under the stars. My mother didn’t stop there; she would segue into the second movement, a graceful interlude that almost got swallowed in between the grandiosity of the other movements. And at last, she would tackle the final piece. I remember the anticipation; I remember wanting to watch her fingers fly over the keys. We would sneak in the living room—don’t make so much noise, you’re gonna bother her!—and thus we became the spectators to a private concert. The combination of semiquavers and staccato, everything played presto agitato, was the most fascinating thing. And despite the intensity and the tempestuous rhythm, I would sense my muscles relaxing, my thoughts lightening, the frenetic beat of my heart slowing. When I listen to this piece now, there’s still a glimpse of that long forgotten peace.

I turn six and I learn the piano. It’s a decision that comes from me, but also from my mother. It’s a decision that pleases me, even enchants me. The learning process goes well; I love to learn and I love to play—a rarely seen fervour seizes me. My motivation originates both from a desire to walk into my mother’s footsteps and from a childish inclination to create noise. The teacher likes me, and the sentiment is reciprocal; she speaks with a soft voice, but underneath there is an unyielding tone that I come to respect. She nudges me forward, constantly making sure that I don’t neglect my practice. I try to meet her expectations because I want to succeed, but also to maintain that impression of calm that possesses me when I sit at the piano.

The next step is to play at a recital, so we set off for the musical conservatory. I’m ten the first time I play before an audience. Panic controls me—I worry I won’t be able to perform, and the thought loops in my mind until I believe it. I climb on the stage in spite of my terror, and the room morphs into a cage. At 10 years-old, the size of the concert hall is intimidating, to a point that my heart crawls up my throat. The exit is far—way too far—and all the stares fixed on me feel more like I’m attending a trial than a recital. My hands become damp (how will I play if my hands slip?), but wiping them on my dress of red velvet means showing my fear—and my father always tells me not to show my fear. So I look at the floor and force my legs to move until finally, finally, I stand before the piano. I sit. Even now, I believe it’s impossible for me to play my piece, that piece I yet find so easy. I take my time adjusting the bench; once done, my hands reflexively settle over the keys. One deep breath—and I start to play. That tranquility I’m so desperate for guides me, and the audience fades from my mind. My eyes track my fingers as they find all the notes—not one mistake—and for a moment, it’s like I’m floating over my body, surrendering utter control to instinct and music. Once the piece ends and my hands lift from the piano, it’s the thunderous applause that tugs me back into reality; I walk off the stage, that paralyzing feeling of fright dismissed.

The feeling that possesses me is anxiety. At 6 years-old, as I begin learning the piano, I don’t know what anxiety is; the only thing I understand is that music offers solace. When I turn 10, I can’t find the word to explain that emotion that assaulted me as I stepped on the stage. It’s with time that I discover the word “anxiety”. I see my reflection in the definitions I find in dictionaries and on the web; it’s those definitions that grasp onto me, that glue themselves over me until I cannot dissociate them from my being without ripping out of my skin. The term “anxiety” now belongs to me—or rather, I belong to it. The years pass and my thoughts cede before it. My anxiety takes control of me for a period of my life; I have lost all mastery of myself. I graduate from high school with terrible difficulty; I drop out of college three times. But anxiety doesn’t stop there; she smears her poison throughout all spheres of my life. My relationship with my family degenerates slowly but surely—so do many of my friendships. Working becomes a hurdle because my boss at the store agitates me with her severe attitude—it feels like nothing is never enough and everything is wrong. I cannot stand myself anymore. Anxiety seeps into my body, an army of swarming bugs that infiltrate all I am as an individual. They contaminate me from the inside, and I am nothing but a puppet, subjected to circumstances out of my control. And this lasts and lasts and lasts for eight years—eight long years. I lose my footing and fall into the arms of depression several times. Appointments with doctors tell me what I already knew. We try solutions and then more solutions; there are good times, scarce but cherished. But happiness and peace of mind slip through my fingers like grains of sand; I grab another handful, but it was never meant to last. These feelings end up seeming distant, unreachable, impossible. I mind myself to the fact that I will have to live with the physical and emotional wounds my anxiety inflicts on me. Time and experience allow me to gauge my level of comfort and how to react; sometimes, I cannot step out of my apartment. And so life goes on—and I am swept away by the tides.

Thinking back on this slice of my life, I’ve come to several conclusions. There were many happenings that were completely out of my control—and yet, as I dig deeper and deeper, I realize that this deviation originates from one thing in particular.

The year I turn 15, I experience an acute pain in my right wrist. Holding a pen for longer than a few minutes is impractical; playing piano on a regular basis is impossible. Those news, validated by a medical consultation, are not surprising—but they are heartbreaking. Later, the pain extends to my shoulder. Within weeks, I become an unwilling witness to the collapse of my dream of studying and teaching piano. The problem comes from within me, within my body—my love for the piano is the trigger to this pain. I’m told that a cure is implausible—you can do exercises to lessen the pain, and you have to eliminate repetitive movements since they will worsen it, and yes, miss, that includes the piano. I used to play piano at least one hour a day, something that unconsciously kept my anxiety at bay—but the inability to play for longer than a few minutes opens the door to my anxiety. I discover myself anew when I’m 16: tirelessly worried, always anxious, terribly distrustful. It’s the start of the downward spiral. I am not me anymore, I am someone else. Anxiety is my mother, instability is my father, fear is my sister. I am reborn into an unknown world dubbed Real Life by my family, who firmly believe this is part of being a teenager. But I don’t believe in this Real Life, and I pray to all and nothing for a miracle. I only know one line of prayer so I make up my own. I fill fictive litanies with my fears and my hopes. Amen. I refuse to consider this existence as True because to me, it can only be False. But my convictions are tossed aside, their dismissal hammered into me endlessly. It’s almost as if a huge neon sign hangs on a wall of my bedroom: Welcome to Real Life! But all I see are ridiculous directives that only bring misfortune—don’t forget to register for our latest draw! Discover what setbacks you will endure next! I don’t want this—I refuse, I reject, I refute. It’s the song of my mind, playing on repeat; I want to believe it—I want to believe it more than anything else because I have exhausted all of my solutions and the future beyond is veiled in uncertainty.

But with time, I realize that simply wanting something, no matter how much, doesn’t mean it will slip into the world through the cracks of my resolve. And so, I begin to toil over my own fate. I try to shape it. I fail. I try again. It’s a cycle with no end in sight. I wander aimlessly through life, and thus I discover more of myself and I try to understand. Questions assail me; most of the time, there is no answer; when there are, they are often unpleasant. Still, I accept them—because I have learned that closing my eyes and rejecting a reality will not bring me anything. This crushing problem, this anxiety that manipulates me, I try to be aware of it—and in the end, I accept it. She is part of me, too intrinsic for me to surrender her; she welded her existence in my foundations, and if I break free, I negate myself. But what crystallizes with time is the recognition that I’m living a fight that I believed lost before even entering the arena. It’s an intimidating fight: my adversary is formidable, and there is no end in sight; it’s an everlasting battle that occurs every hour, every minute, every second. And yet, I am not done—I gather my arsenal, I warm up, and I entre the arena. No referees—this isn’t a fair fight; there cannot be a winner, only moments of victory. My adversary steps forward, and in her, I see me—me as I was for eight long years. The signal goes off and we begin. No turning back now.

Strangely, what helps me survive the daily fights is time. Throughout this turbulent journey, my wrist undertakes its never-ending recovery. Nine years later, the dreadful pain I felt at every move has become a memory. I live alone now, and getting access to a piano is not always easy; neither is it regular. But one day—one day, I decide to try again. I make my way to my mother’s house on a day where she and her husband are absent; the fragility of my resolve hangs over me, and I cannot let it waver out of self-consciousness. In the basement are all of my mother’s sheet music—all of my sheet music—and it takes a lot of searching before I finally find the last piece I learned when I was 15. The last piece I ever played. Too eager, I snatch Chopin’s Nocturne op.72 no.1 off the floor, grabbing a few more sheet music from that part of my life forever ago. At last, I sit on the piano bench. I open the booklet, flipping through the pages until I find the Nocturne; it’s one of my favourites, whether by coincidence or a design of my own. But it’s with wretched bitterness that I realize I am unable to play the piece. Not only has it been nine years, but my dexterity has vanished, bidding me goodbye with a mocking smile. My fingers each weigh a pound; I hear myself strike the keys with a mortifying clumsiness; the resulting sound is disappointing, closer to chaotic noise than the flowing music of my memories. Nothing happens like I want it to. However, the same passage of time that helped my injury gave me the strength to cross out the word “abandon” from my vocabulary. I sometimes know victory, more often I know defeat, but what has become unfamiliar is capitulation. So I close the booklet, hiding the piece I yearned for, and I pick another one. It’s an easy piece, but in truth, nothing seems easy anymore; the piece is a crutch, a stepping stone towards more. In time, I will get sick of hearing Chopin’s Waltz op.69 no.2, my mind saturated by the melody from months of practice. It’s a challenge, and I start to get obsessed with the notion of learning this piece, because learning it means I can learn more. Nothing will stop me.

There is progress, but it’s slow and it’s tedious. Each week, I ride the bus to my mother’s house so I can practice for one hour, sometimes two. These hours are precious; I try not to squander them and I try even harder to remind myself this is just the beginning. My wrist still hurts at times; whenever I test my limits, a zap of pain echoes through my hand, signalling the end of the practice. It slows me down, frustrates me to no end, but the possibility of not playing for another nice years snaps me out of those low moments. And one day, six months later, I pick up Chopin’s Nocturne op.72 no.1 again. I start with the left hand; the constant rhythm of the triplets played legato rips the stitches of a long-buried wound. A ghost rises out of it—it’s Me as I was, and it possesses me, guiding my hand with its cold touch. I play the first line, then the second; soon enough, I jump to the second page. I am not here, not really; rather, I am lost to that old fragment of beloved peace. Now that I recognize the beast in me as anxiety, I finally understand that those moments of solace happen when I hear the twinkling notes of the piano. And so I get on my feet in the arena and I stand ready to continue the eternal fight. There are other ways to keep anxiety away, to rationalize it, and I think back on my first fifteen years, nearly empty of anguish, full of other pains, but also filled with hours of music. I learn Chopin’s Nocturne in three months. It’s not perfect—it will never be—but I can play it. I play it until I can do so with my eyes closed.

The year I decide to sit at the piano again, I return to school. The first semester is trying; I haven’t studied seriously in over five years—good habits are difficult to unearth. I try to keep my demanding job despite the crushing amount of pressure, but there comes a moment where I cannot breathe under that weight, and stress wins once more. Everything appears ready to crumble before it began. Luckily, my mother realizes that my fragile pyramid of cards is about to fall, and she wakes me up with harsh and well-aimed and true words; we don’t always understand each other then, and feelings get bruised, but in time, things will change for the better. I still fail the classes I took; I search for a new job. My anxiety hit me with an uppercut that could have turned the tables in her favour, but I stand again and again—I stand long enough to finish college a year later. I am 24 the day I hand in my final project that allows me to graduate. As I walk out of the building, there is pride accompanying me, but most of all, it’s a soothing sensation of satisfaction that wraps itself around me. It resembles that peace of mind I find from the piano, and that is what makes me smile.

The next fall, I have my own piano. The opportunity to play whenever is still incredible. Not long before the purchase, the pain in my wrist flares once more, stronger than before. But this time, I know what to expect. I adapt instead of running away; I’m not 15 anymore and I have so much more experience in the suitcase I carry through life. I get tests done in hope of a permanent solution; they reveal nothing new, but the professional advice that follows those tests opens the door to new possibilities to rein in the pain. Those possibilities are comforting in their own way; that absolute sense of defeat is now barely discernable.

I still believe that the Me from over ten years ago will not come back to life; she doesn’t exist anymore; her only vestige is her love for music. But that is alright—I am not the same person I was at 6 years-old when all I knew was the music weaving through the house. I am someone else, so I baptize myself anew. I allow myself the sanctity of a second chance, that unreachable notion always evading me. But this time, I chase it. I grasp it close to my heart. I take it—and I live it.

[renjunsbabygirl]

Cheesy - Qian Kun Imagine

Warnings: mentions of cheating, implied smut

non-idol au, best friends to lovers au

-

"Mother fucker!" Kun angrily shouts in his mother tongue, storming into your apartment, looking for the five foot ten Korean man.

"You cheated on my best fucking friend?" he shouts once he spotted a mortified looking Doyoung sitting on the couch. Before Doyoung even has a chance to respond, Kun swings his fist into his nose, feeling slightly satisfied when he hears a crunch sound. Doyoung screams in pain, instantly grabbing his now broken nose.

"Answer me!" Kun shouts grabbing the poor man by the collar of his shirt, dragging him up into a standing position, shaking him aggressively.

"Yes!" Doyoung shouts back, tears seeping through his eyes. "Yes, I cheated on Y/N."

"Why?!" Kun shouts again. "She's been nothing but loyal to you, and you go fucking around with some other girl, for what reason?!"

"We were fighting, and then I went to the bar and got drunk-"

Doyoung didn't get to finish his sentence before Kun swings his fist at him again, this time knocking him to the floor. Kun doesn't stop delivering his punches to Doyoung's face until he sees Doyoung couching up blood.

Kun stands up with a heavy huff and stares at the nearly unconscious man in front of him in disgust. He picks up Doyoung's phone from the couch, surprisingly the phone still recognises Doyoung's face even after he's been beaten almost to death. He dials the police, giving the operator his address before hanging up without further detail.

"You'll get to live, shithead," Kun spat grabbing a tissue from its box to wipe his bloody knuckles. "But if you ever come near her ever again, I'll fucking kill you."

With nothing more to say, Kun leaves the premises, feeling more satisfied than ever.

When he gets back to his own apartment, he quietly enters, not wanting to disturb your peaceful sleeping figure on his couch. He goes to the bathroom to treat his wounds, hissing and wincing at the stingy feeling when applying alcohol. When he's done he wraps his hand up in a cast and changes into his pj's. He checks on you one last time before heading to bed and before he knows it, he's out like a light.

The next morning he wakes up to the smell of coffee. Checking his phone, he sees it's almost noon. Standing up and stretching the slumber out of his body, he heads into the kitchen to see you pouring yourself a cup of coffee.

"Good morning," you greet him, taking a sip of the hot liquid. "Want some coffee?"

"Sure," he responds, yawning afterwards and rubbing his cast covered hand over his face. "What happened to your hand?" you question setting his coffee in front of him. He shrugs it off saying he cut his hand while cooking but you knew he was lying. "Don't lie to me," you said. "We're best friends, now tell me what really happened."

He sighs before telling you how he beat Doyoung's ass to a bloody pulp. You would give him a lecture about how he didn't have to do that and how you could take care of yourself, but at that moment, you were too busy being flustered. No one has ever stuck up for you like that before, let alone beat someone up for you.

"You did that for me?" you whisper slightly smiling. You didn't know why but you all of a sudden got the butterfly feeling in your stomach like a little school girl seeing her crush. "Of course," Kun whispers. "No one gets away with hurting you as long as I'm around."

You couldn't help but blush at his statement. "Thank you, Kun," you whisper pulling him into a hug. His eyes widen in surprise as you're not the type to be very affectionate. "I love you," you added audibly enough for him to hear. Kun sweetly smiles, wrapping his arms around your waist. "I love you, too," he replies burying his head in the crock of your neck.

~ Six Months Later ~

You had moved in with Kun shortly after he confessed to beating Doyoung up. He didn't want you being near him, so he offered you to stay at his place until you found a place of your own. You accepted his offer without hesitation. You would be lying if you said you haven't developed a small crush on Kun since you've been living with him. He'd help you cook, clean, watch a movie you like even if he wasn't interested in it, help you out if you're in a tough situation. Just all of the above. He was without a doubt the only man ever.

"No, no, no," he said taking the knife from your hold. "Like this," he said cutting the garlic in small cube-like figures.

"Does it matter?" you asked dumping the cut garlic into the pot of stew. "I mean it's going to come back out either way."

"Could you not make jokes about taking a shit while we're cooking?" he laughs dumping the remaining pieces of garlic into the pot before stirring it up.

"Someone's gotta be the cool friend around here," you remark taking a sip of the wine in your hand. Kun sends the middle finger your way making you nearly choke on the wine. "Hopefully that's not the only thing you choke on," he smirks sending a wink your way before turning his attention back to the stew, leaving you in a blushing state.

After dinner, you took the initiative to wash the dishes. Kun offered to help, but you sent him to the living room to pick a movie out for you two to watch. After washing the dishes, you quickly dried them off and placed them in their correct spot. You noted that Kun keeps his pots at the very top of the shelf, and not wanting to fall off the chair like you did last time, you called him into the kitchen to place it there for you.

"Kun?"

"Yes?"

"Could you help me, please?"

You heard him get up from his spot in the living room. He walks into the kitchen seeing you with the pot he used to cook in your hand. "Would you mind?" you ask pointing to the shelf. He nods coming up to you, taking the pot out of your hand and placing it on the top shelf. "Thank you," you said. "The struggle is real," you laugh.

"You're welcome, shorty," Kun laughs along with you. "You're so cute," he adds pinching your cheeks. "I hate you," you chuckle swatting his hands away. He briefly chuckle, just staring into your eyes after he stops.

"Y/N," he whispers cupping your cheek. "Can I kiss you?"

Too caught up in the moment, you nod your head in confirmation. He closes the gap between you two, pressing a soft gentle kiss to your lips. He pulls away shortly after, much to your disliking. His wide eyes stares back at yours in panic. "I-I'm sorry. I couldn't-"

"Shhh," you shushed him, placing your hands on his delicate face. "I liked it."

You pull him back into another kiss. This time a bit rougher. Kun sighs in content wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you closer to him. You move your head, deepening the kiss. Kun opens his mouth, running his tongue across your wet lips, asking for entrance. You granted him his wish, opening your mouth ajar, letting his tongue glide against yours.

Without breaking the kiss, Kun lifts you onto the counter, standing in between your legs, caressing your sides. You run your hands up and down his tone arms before removing his shirt completely, breaking the kiss for a split second before resuming back to where you were. You moan in the kiss, now running your hands throughout his chest and down his abs. Kun shivers at your touch, moaning as well when you go to palm him. His hands find the hem of your shirt, lifting the soft material from your body, exposing your royal blue lace bra to him. He grunts beginning to leave a trail of hot, wet kisses down your neck.

"Kun," you moan his name raking your nails lightly over the skin on his back. "Make love to me, please."

He pauses his actions lifting his head from your neck, his lips pink and swollen. He scrutinizes your face to see if you're serious about this as much as he is. "Are you sure?" he ask gently. "I don't wanna pressure you."

"I want this. I want you," you said running your hand through his black locks. "Please, Kun."

He nods his head leaning down to kiss you some more before wrapping your legs around his waist and carrying you to his bedroom. He gently lies you down in his bed, stripping you from the rest of your clothing and doing the same to his pants afterwards. He ask you one last time if you're sure about all this. You nod your head in desperation crashing your lips onto his. He lines his tip to your entrance before slowly pushing in giving you time to adjust before being told he could move.

He made sweet love to you that night. Whispering the sweetest praises in your ear as the both of you clinged to one another. You never felt so loved and protected than you do with Kun. Not even Doyoung made you feel this type of way. You both climaxed together. Moaning each others name against each other lips before riding out your highs. Kun slowly removes himself, collapsing beside you breathlessly, pulling you into his embrace.

"Y/N," he whispers rubbing your cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I really love you, and not as a best friend either."

You look at him with those big doe eyes that he loves so much. "You really mean that?" You ask a smile breaking out on your face. He nods placing a kiss on your temple pulling you closer to him so there's no space between the two of you. "I fell for you in freshman year of college, but you and Doyoung started talking so I kept my mouth shut."

You run your hand through his locks making him lean into your touch. "That's so cheesy," you say making the both you chuckle. "Wow, I'm over here confessing my love for you and you're over there call me cheesy," Kun laughs tickling your side making you squirm a bit. "Well, it's a good thing that I love cheesiness and you too," you smile pecking his lips burying your head in his chest.

Kun smiles petting your hair. "Y/N?" You let out a "hmm" sound in response. "Will you be my girlfriend?" "No," you began making his smile drop. "Because I'm already your girlfriend. I have been for the past two hours."

Kun sighs in relieve. "Good because I already had plans for our first date tomorrow."

You chuckle a bit. "So cheesy," you whisper falling asleep against his chest not long after.

"Only for you," Kun whispers placing a final kiss on your temple and falling into a peaceful slumber himself with you in his arms.

[crawgluvr4]

(warnings: flashbacks of csa, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.)

ana invents the drift within a year of the start of the crisis, contracted by first the egyptian military and then the american, to help them chase a pipe dream. 

something as big as the kaiju to defeat them. something out of a movie, a giant robot capable of safely dispatching the monsters. a familiar tale. they do not say why they need human pilots but it has a lot to do with human judgement and also propaganda. she obliges because the world is on the line.

ana invents the drift, allowing two people to share the neural load of piloting a machine hundreds of times their size. concurrently, the US government plows through five hundred disposable soldiers and get two worth using. she meets them once before the test and she is surprised at how immediately she finds herself caring about their wellbeing. she tells the doctors that the drift will not discriminate between current and past thought, that all memories and thoughts will be shared, and the two soldiers must be aware of this. it’s a huge risk to their health. the doctors nodded their heads and agreed with her and said of course and yes and they fully understand the risks. and she, young, foolishly trusted them to put empathy before efficiency. to put care before brute force. 

neither man enters the drift knowing the burden of it, neither are prepared for the overwhelming surge of memories that will occur. telepathy is a vague concept. you tell a soldier desperate to save the world, one of two of five hundred that survived a procedure designed to make them untouchable - you tell him they’ve invented a telepathic method of controlling something capable of destroying the monsters decimating the world and he will go for it. they both do. no matter what, they would have agreed. 

but it would have been nice to know what was coming. 

gabriel takes right and jack takes left. the helmets have not been refined yet and the neural gel is sickening and it takes jack longer to learn to breathe in it than they would like. ana is as ever the only one concerned for them and uses all the threat she can muster to give them time to adjust. she knows if this is successful she will have much less weight because she legally will have to sign over her research, but they will still need her. for efficiency. 

they’re both nervous but this is before they know anything, so gabriel comes across as cold and focused and jack comes across as confident and a bit arrogant. it's the surface personality each will maintain throughout the rest of their lives until the jaeger explodes in the mediterranean sea. gabriel does it because he wants people to trust his judgement, and jack does it because he wants people to believe in him. it's a roundabout method to the same goal; something they always manage to do. 

jack gets used to breathing and gabriel cracks a smile through his otherwise stern facade, which makes jack nervous in a better way, because he’s not quite acknowledging that he’s basically in love with gabriel. which is fine, because in the past three months since their briefing on the jaeger mission he has been practicing deflecting his thoughts so gabriel wont read them, something he is now uncomfortably good at. this will later be a fatal flaw of his - deflection. not thinking about what needs to be thought about. when drifting becomes refined jack will immediately master the ability to deflect and wall off thoughts and memories, and as such become a template for an ideal drift partner. but for now he is twenty-one and still really truly believes that despite how the government has treated him in the past year that they are telling the truth right now. 

ana's hands tremble as she sets up the machines for the handshake. she has no idea what is about to happen because she is nearly twenty-four and probably the most sensible person in the world right now but her mistrust is not yet enough either. she will regret ignoring the voice that tells her that, despite barely knowing these men, she should talk to them herself about the danger. 

gabriel gives them the all clear. jack watches him and follows suit a moment after. ana inputs the command to initiate neural handshake and says “neural handshake initi-” and doesn’t get to finish it before the computers go wild. 

when you enter the drift there is two seconds of silence as the minds sync. if two pilots are incompatible enough the drift will drop and nothing of importance will be shared, just a moment of disorienting silence. when pilots are compatible, this period is the calm before the storm. after the drift is developed properly people will be trained to think slowly. when overwatch scrabbles itself together years after its fall the training will be largely abandoned in lieu of efficiency and jack will think about the irony of this first and pass the thought onto gabriel. as it stands they have two seconds before jack suddenly thinks “what-” and the memories follow like the tail of a comet. 

what happens is this; two decades of memories, of things neither had ever intended to share, of memories forgotten to their mind, are shared in the span of twenty seven excruciating seconds. 

gabriel sees:

his father come in from the fields and he’s angry so angry because one of the machines broke down today and he won’t take it into town to fix it because he has some sense of pride or something and he knows by the look on his mothers face what his father is going to do, to vent his frustrations he takes a knife and starts cutting up the trees in the forest but then feels so bad he breaks down and cries. the way his fathers hands are only ever used to hurt to scar and to molest. the way the fields look like when it’s night and you stare from the crack of the barn door and try try as you can to leave your body and leave what is being done to you here. his sister’s silhouette on the porch. don’t forget to write.

which makes no sense because as long as he remembers gabriel has lived in the city. 

jack sees:

a loving family that accepts their son when he comes out as their son and cannot understand why he tries to kill himself when he's sixteen, and when he leaves for the military they still dont understand but its the same thread. don't forget to write. he doesn’t write and he doesn’t talk about his relationship with the much older girl his mother was so fond of because she was so polite to her face despite the cruel things she would say to gabriel about her. about how nobody in his family was really there for him, just her, and when she tells him he’s so mature for his age and how good he is in bed for his age he can only take it as the compliment a child feels it is. and he can only blame himself so desperate he is for a different kind of validation and then the guilt of not finding his family’s support enough and seeking it elsewhere drives him off the edge and he can still feel it, the horrible drag of metal through skin and muscle and veins. the way his mother had held his hand and said please don’t die, and two years later the same words as he leaves california behind because how can he tell them he can’t bear to be around her? 

which makes no sense because jack has never visited california and has never even seen the sea.

this is what the drift is. the holder of each memory loses ownership of it to the space between them, involuntary, unbidden, every scrap of pain they have ever felt flitting back and forth between them until they aren’t sure who started with what. in twenty seven seconds both receive the others lifetime of trauma imparted without will or consent, and unable to look away. and worst of all are the things that they had tucked away, forgotten long ago but still stored in some unreachable part of memory - 

gabriel holds his mothers hand at his grandmother's funeral. in whispers he hears his uncle say: why is she here, she isn't even her real kid. and his mother stiffens and goes silent but gabriel is aware she is crying, quietly. but he is young and knows nothing and she is just mourning, after all, mourning her mother. he doesn't see that uncle aside from at big family gatherings and while he is ostracised loosely otherwise in this memory nobody disagrees with him just tuts and tells him to stop that it's not the time or place. his mother is the youngest child and always was the odd one out of her siblings. 

jack remembers before his mother stopped caring and before his father turned to sexual abuse of them both; and they’re at some shopping centre he never did learn the name of and there’s a manmade river cutting through the the centre. there are swans with their babies and jack is holding his sister's hand very tightly and his mother has one hand on his shoulder and says honey you have to learn when to be gentle and when to be firm. know when you're hurting other people. and he loosens his grip and she does not tumble into the river and there are two cygnets and two parent swans and jack thinks what a happy family. the next day his father will push him up against the wall in anger because he is seven and forgot to tidy his room and his mother will argue with his father but also tell jack to try to behave more. 

so what happens is: gabriel sees what jack saw, and jack sees what gabriel saw, and it takes twenty seven seconds before ana hits the emergency desync (because she does not understand what a random access brain impulse trigger is yet) during which time it feels like they are both reliving an entire lifetime. 

jack's first coherent words once they desync are “please, i'm so sorry, please, please forgive me” although it takes a lot of effort for the medical staff to parse this. 

gabriel understands immediately - because now he knows exactly how jack reacts after panic - and jack knows gabriel’s silence is not cruelty but dissociation and that he can't say anything when he is barely in his own body. 

a week later gabriel will ask jack for his forgiveness as well. years later they will almost find it absurd. something to look back on as the start of something better, maybe, just handled so poorly its almost comedic. they understand then that neither of them needed to apologise to the other for what was done to them and that at least they learned good things too, at least they learned how to protect other people from ever experiencing that again. 

but right now jack is retching and the medical staff are checking gabriel for brain hemorrhaging because it's the only real risk they know to check for. physically, he is fine, though pulse elevated and breathing somewhat shallow. the trauma is mental. ana is screaming at the chief medical officer who is fired on the spot despite receiving direct orders to push the pilot testing asap. ana will feel responsibility for this for the rest of her career, going above and beyond friendship for the two men whose trust she feels she irrevocably broke. 

they don't even think about her, in this moment, all but alone despite the swarming medical and military staff. they are still thinking another man's thoughts. for twelve seconds after the end of the drift the psychic link remains, and though it's a messy swirl of disgust and panic and horror, there is one coherent thought: i'm so sorry you understand. 

[kiseki-no-scenarios]

your account is a blessing 😭 can i please req for fighting with murasakibara + fluff at the end ?

Aww, thanks for your message anon! And sure thing! I chose to go with a slightly more serious route here (since I’ve been doing a lot of crack-ish writing…lol)

Murasakibara Atsushi - Fighting and Making Up

You hated it whenever Murasakibara was like this.

You’d gotten a text from Himuro, warning you that Murasakibara was in one of his moods. Normally you’d be understanding and considered it one of Murasakibara’s many idiosyncrasies, but today you just felt so done.

It also didn’t help that recently it had seemed that Murasakibara was not as interested in going out on dates or doing normal couple-y things. You were the one that initiated phone calls more often, the one that traveled to Akita to see him on weekends.

And you were just. So. Tired.

There was only so much pulling and pushing you could deal with in your relationship, and you could feel yourself starting to fray at the ends.

The screen in front of you blinked to life as the video call came in, and you took a few deep breaths to calm yourself down. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad today. You could do this.

“Hey Atsushi.” You smiled at your boyfriend who was slumped over in his seat, his head buried in the crook of his arms. “Everything okay?”

“I’m sick of it.” He muttered.

“Aw, don’t say that.” You tried to encourage him, keeping your voice as bright and cheerful as possible. “You just had a rough day!”

“I’m quitting basketball. It’s dumb, and I’m so bored of it.” Murasakibara complained, cutting you off as he sighed loudly. “It’s not fun.”

“Well, it can’t be fun always…but I know you love it. So don’t give up!”

Murasakibara scoffed. “Easy for you to say…you just don’t understand.” He finished, voice dismissive.

Something snapped within you at that point, and you bit down on your lip to try and prevent the tears from building in your eyes. You had been trying for so long right now.

You were silent as you tried to fight the feeling of frustration and sadness mixing inside you. “Ne, _____-chin. If you’ve got nothing else, I’m going to go-“

“Just. Stop. Atsushi.” Your voice is cold and clipped. “Are you going to do this every single time something goes wrong?”

Murasakibara finally picks up his head, looking at you for the first time as he blinks. “_____-chin…?”

“Don’t give me that crap. It’s boring? It’s not fun?” Your voice starts growing louder, your hands shaking. “It’s not going to always be fun and games!” You scream, tears beginning to roll down your face.

You can see Murasakibara’s eyes widening, his mouth opening but you cut him off before he could say anything.

“If you want something, you have to work hard at it. Even if it’s not fun.” The weeks of frustration, loneliness, and sadness claws its way from deep within you, forcing itself to the forefront of your consciousness. “Are you bored of me, too?”

“_____-chin, I-“

“I never see you. I feel like I have to BEG to get you to respond to my texts or even call me.” You’re full on sobbing now, head bowed as your hands try to stem the flow of tears bursting from you. “When was the last time you held my hand? When was the last time I got to see your actual face?!”

Shaking your head, your vision was blurred with tears. You couldn’t even make out Murasakibara’s face anymore, just his blurry form and purple hair on your screen.

“Murasakibara…” You whisper, voice cracking. His last name felt foreign to you-you were so used to calling him Atsushi, to making up cute nicknames for him. But today, you just couldn’t do it anymore.

“When was the last time you told me you love me? If you even care about me anymore.”

Fearful that he was going to break up with you right then and there, you slam the lid of your laptop closed before you throw yourself onto your bed, face pressed against your pillows as you let out all the tears you had held back for so long.

—

Your eyes were puffy when you woke up the next morning, feeling your phone vibrating against your face.

With a groan, you force yourself to sit up, blindly reaching out for your phone as you unlocked it.

“Jesus, what the hell…” Your voice was hoarse from all the crying you did last night. Scrolling through the many missed calls and voicemails from Murasakibara, you felt your heart pang as you ignored them.

Your phone vibrated again and you thought about throwing it to the side but the name on the caller ID made you pause.

“Coach…?”

Accepting the call, you heard Masako’s clear voice. “_____? You finally picked up.”

“S-Sorry, I just woke up.” You cleared your throat. “Is something the matter?” Your blood ran cold as you thought about the possibilities. “A-Atsu-I mean, is Murasakibara ok?!”

“That’s what I’m calling you about. Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker.” You could hear some movement in the background before her voice came back on the line. “You’re on speaker now, _____.”

Before you could respond, the familiar sound of Okamura’s sobbing came onto the line. “H-He…He told me I was a great captain…and that I would find a girlfriend!!” Okamura sobbed. “HE’S NEVER BEEN SO NICE TO ME IN MY LIFE, HE SAID I WAS COOL, AND-“

“Oi, quit sobbing ya idiot!” Fukui’s impatient voice joined the call. “Hey, _____. I don’t know what you did, but Murasakibara came and he was BOWING his head to me.”

“It was quite surprising.” Liu’s smooth voice joined the conversation at that point.

“He said he was going to work harder, with all of us.” You hear Himuro’s voice, tinged with both awe and pride.

“Anyways, thats why I wanted to call.” The background noise disappeared as she turned off the speaker. “I never imagined I’d see Atsushi come of his own free will and say anything like that.”

“…It’s because he truly loves basketball.” You murmur, a smile coming to your lips. “He loves playing it, and he loves the team.”

“Well, it was nice to hear it from his lips for once.” Masako laughs.

“Yeah.” You whisper.

“I’ll see you later, then. Give Atsushi my regards.”

The call ended before you could reply. Give Murasakibara her regards…You laughed brokenly. If he still wanted to see you after last night.

You were about to head to the bathroom and wash your face when you heard a series of furious knocks on your door. Startled, you grab the nearest thing you could find-a broom-as you walk to the door, checking the peephole.

“…M-Murasakibara?!” The broom clatters to the floor as you drop it in shock, hand trembling as you twist the doorknob and open the door.

The purple-haired basketball player was standing in front of your door, a bouquet in his hands as he looked down at you nervously. And if that wasn’t shocking enough, his hair was tied back in a low ponytail, and he was dressed in a…

“W-Why are you in a tux?!”

“_____-chin, I’m sorry.” You watched as Murasakibara took a deep breath, his hand holding the bouquet of flowers out to you. “I’m sorry that I made you sad, and lonely. And that I made you cry.”

The shakiness in his voice tugged at your heartstrings.

“I haven’t been a good boyfriend…” Murasakibara continued as you listened in rapt attention. “I wasn’t putting in the effort that you were. I’m really sorry, _____-chin.”

You stared at him in silence as Murasakibara seemed to deflate slightly in front of you, his entire form slumping. “Am I…too late?”

“No, I just…” Tears started flowing from your eyes again, and you could see Murasakibara panic. “T-These are happy tears!! I guess I’m just…shocked at seeing you in a tux.”

“Muro-chin said that if I wanted to say sorry, I needed a tux.” Murasakibara explained, dropping the flowers to the ground as he reached for your hands. “And Coach told me to do my hair…”

“You look very dashing, Atsushi.” You replied, a true smile finally touching your lips.

“I promise I won’t take you for granted, so…will you give me another chance?” Murasakibara begged.

“Okay.” You nod. The fact that Murasakibara would actually go through the trouble to dress up for you…maybe you were being too easy on him, but you knew he was truly apologetic.

“_____-chin…!”

You squealed as Murasakibara wrapped his arms around you, holding you tight as he spun around with you on the spot. A stream of giggles fell from your lips as you heard yourself laughing for the first time in a while.

Then you remembered that you were still in your ragged pajamas, your hair not even done and your face unwashed.

“Crap, I look so bad right now!” You yelp, pushing back from Murasakibara’s hold. “This is so embar-“

“No, I don’t want to let you go.” Murasakibara’s tone is whining, but you can hear the desperation as he hugs you tighter. “You look pretty. You always do, _____-chin.”

You can’t help but blush at his words as you hugged him back, rubbing his back soothingly. “Aww, thank you, Atsushi! Come inside.” Taking his hand, you start pulling him in.

“Wait, I thought we could go on a date today-“

“I know you’re all dressed up for me, but I’m still tired. So I’d like cuddles instead, ok?” You pleaded. “We can go out later.”

“Okay, _____-chin. But you have to hold my hand the entire time.”

---

Masterpost

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[happikattwuzheere]

the one where gansey befriends a deer: the au

hey remember that time ronan dreamed up a deer that was described with language suspiciously similar to how adam’s described, because i sure do!!! anyway

OK.

ok. so. this au’s actually evolved a lot since its initial already-pretty-fleshed-out inception one sleepless night, so me talking about it’s gonna be more than one post, but here’s the first one well actually the second technically yesterday’s warmup doodles were also from this au but i didnt talk about it at all so

and I’m gonna start with more or less the same pitch I gave to a couple people on discord

SO. starting out: it’s standard fantasy times, vaguely medieval but no specific time period because I don’t care enough to be digging into that quite frankly, but it is somewhere in England where this is happening. Story starts with just Gansey, Ronan, and Noah. Fey are very real and known entities and there’s been a conflict in England between the fey and humans, if not in the whole country then at least in the lands that the Ganseys are the lords of but probably the whole island tbh, and Gansey’s not inherited the lands yet but he’s going to and wants to maybe find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. It’s not open warfare by any means but it’s been a big problem. 

To the effect of solving that, he heads to some little village that I haven’t named but it’s right next to a known fey forest called Cabeswater. This village has avoided being stomped by the local fey because, despite witches not being particularly liked by the nobility of the time, there’s a big old coven (the psychics of Fox Way, essentially) situated right by this village that’s kept things in check. Gansey’s made his excuses to his parents about why he’s officially going there but really he wants to talk to the witches and get a better grasp of the conflict from the people actually dealing with it.  He and Ronan set out from home together, pick up Noah along the way--who is not a ghost in this AU, he’s a fey who owes Gansey a life debt, that’s a whole other post and THIS post is mostly about gansey and adam--but anyway they get to this village and NOBODY gives gansey the time of day. 

the witches don’t let him into their house because they don’t like the nobility right back thanks and the next time he tries to visit Cabeswater won’t even let him get to the coven’s dwelling, the one witch’s daughter who regularly stops by the village for supplies and to check if anyone needs anything has a big argument with him the first time he talks to her so that’s going nowhere, and, well, the villagers are polite, but they clearly don’t take him seriously. He’s just the lordling playing at things and potentially meddling in their business to them.

So he starts hanging out just barely within Cabeswater, even though he knows that’s not wise, because he finds this perfect spot by a stream, and he’ll sit out there and think and work on the journal he keeps of all his thoughts and plans, and one day while he’s there has a straight up Disney princess experience when a deer stops by the stream and seems incredibly unafraid of him. he cherishes the experience but accepts that it probably won’t happen again.

and then it does. several times. gansey’s losing his mind. this deer??? apparently likes listening to him info dump?? it’s very therapeutic and also very magical and he’s amazed 

a few times in, he names the deer “Pryderi” after a character from a welsh legend, because “such a handsome creature deserves a princely name,” [[muffled blue laughing and whispering “princely” in the distance]], and he tells ronan and noah about this experience but ronan doesn’t believe him at ALL. 

one time after gansey’s particularly upset at how bad his attempts at getting along with the villagers, Pryderi actually lets Gansey touch him for the first time and gansey cannot shut up about it to ronan who’s finally like “i think you’re bullshitting me about this deer thing. im coming with you next time” and gansey’s like “well he’s a deer he might not show up if a stranger’s around and he doesn’t come every time i go down there anyway” and ronan’s like “this sounds like a lot of excuses, dick, you’re not making me believe you any more with this” and gansey’s like “>8\” 

but pryderi does show up, and gansey is delighted, and ronan stares really hard at him and then goes 

and gansey’s like what? nooo. but ronan keeps arguing it for the duration of the visit and the deer actually starts to look annoyed and at the end ganseys like ok maybe but i doubt it. and then hes like “well since you are a fey apparently (/sarcasm) i ought to say farewell with respect” and bows very mockingly and then the deer makes direct eye contact with ronan and bows back and gansey loses his shit

gansey continues meeting up with pryderi but even while his infodumping still happens it does so now with the knowledge that He Does Actually Understand What Im Saying, he may be a fey but he seems like a friendly one and hey that’s way more than gansey thought he would get out here, and also this deer is his friend now thanks, 

he, ronan, and noah (who’s amused by Pryderi but keeps his main thoughts to himself for now) make some excursions into cabeswater, but the thing is noah’s not really native to england, he’s from the european mainland, again i’ll get to it in another post sometime, but. he can sort of help navigate cabeswater but not all THAT well so they get lost a couple times, and every time it does happen pryderi shows up and helps guide them out. there’s some very funny moments of a very jealous ronan getting into weird conflict w/ a very smug deer 

anyWAY one day there’s like a festival, everyone’s drunk because its the middle ages and there’s not really a drinking age, gansey’s making another effort to make friends with anyone, and this one guy about his own age is like “ok look here i’ll teach you the folk dance everyone’s doing ok?” and gansey spends the night dancing w/ a handsome stranger, yes he will recognize the irony in the morning, but for now it goes. well badly because they’re both drunk but it’s fun, and then the guy says “ah, fuck it, i’ll finish teaching you next time we see each other” and gansey’s like “thats a little forward but ok!” and the guy (adam. its adam) panics and leaves while gansey’s back is turned and gansey doesn’t remember that last snippet of conversation the next day nor can he quite recall the stranger’s face. ronan does, because he was watching and not sure which of the two he was jealous of, but neither of them has any idea who the guy actually was. 

and then like, 3 days later, gansey falls asleep at the spot he usually hangs out in in cabeswater and wakes up in the early evening just in time to hear people yelling and for Pryderi to burst into view with an arrow in his flank. he collapses in a bush. gansey snaps into “protect friend” mode and gets the hunters off his trail by being all “oh a strange buck? i saw it pass that way over there friend!” and then when they’re gone he comes back and is all “alright pryderi they’re gone, let me just--” except pryderi’s not a deer anymore. it’s a boy. 

(Adam. its adam. the deer is adam.) 

gansey takes him home, gets the arrow out, noah’s like “i mean he’s not a fey, i dont know what turning into a deer is about but if he were fey the iron in that arrow would already have him dead. he might be partially fey but so little that he’s human in the ways that really matter”, over the next couple days they figure out that pryderi is in fact from the village and is a young man named adam parrish who’s been labelled a changeling and is assumed dead since he was yknow shot, gansey decides for now its probably best to keep him that way, but adam’s not getting better--apparently even having had the arrow in him as briefly as he did has poisoned him, he’s desperately ill and on the third day is finally like “get persephone” so gansey tries again (he’s tried several times over these days, they’d worked out that to have survived this long he must have someone else with a small degree of fey blood teaching him the ropes and the most likely suspects are the witches, but he’s hoping adam specifically asking him to will grant him permission enough to go in) and runs into a very frantic blue en route who as soon as he makes it clear he’s got adam is like “move your ass over on that horse im climbing on too” 

they get persephone, who turns into a fox rather than a deer, she saves adam, everythings cool except adam’s pissy now because he cant go back to the village and he has to give up on the attempts he had in the works to get out of town by working his way out and he takes it out on gansey who doesnt deserve it because this friendship is a mess, he’ll feel bad and take it back eventually but thats yet more posts ANYWAY YEAH theres our starting point 

(also worth noting: due to cabeswater being Right There,  p much everyone in this village actually has a small degree of fey blood, adam just won the genetic lottery) 

tl;dr adam’s a fey-blooded witch’s apprentice and he’s been the deer the whole time and thats the start of this au ty for coming to this ramble 

[adobe-outdesign]

Each of the cast learn they have 6 months to live. How do they react?

Henry: Quits his job immediately and goes home to be with Linda, telling Joey off when he tries to convince him to stay

Joey: Either sacrifices himself to the ink machine to try to be immortal, or sacrifices everyone else in the hopes of at least getting one good cartoon out of it

Sammy: Goes into a depressive funk and also starts praying way more and panicking over all his potential sins

Jack: Doesn’t tell anyone else until the last minute, spends most of his time with his husband trying to check things off his bucket list

Susie: Returns home to be with her parents but mostly tries to go on like normal

Allison: Donates all of her savings to charity (and Tom), gets married immediately

Wally: Freaks the hell out initially, then moves into anger before finally accepting it. Spends a lot of time trying to rehome his many, many dogs and trying to finish his bucket list

Norman: Tells no one but his wife/kids about it and goes home to be with them (without telling anyone, making it seem as if he vanished)

Thomas: He’s not as surprised as he should be due to how much he smokes. Tells only Allison and spends most of his time trying to make sure she’s set for when he’s gone

Shawn: Goes from straight-up denial to being super angry about it and trying to change his circumstances.. probably proposes to Wally because what does he have to loose at this point? also does a bunch of crazy bullshit for the same reason

Grant: It’s weird because he’s kind of suicidal and thinks a lot about how much he wants to die, but when faced with actual dying he kind of panics and realizes he maybe doesn’t want to die possibly? probably just ends up in an even deeper depressive funk that turns into a last-second mental breakdown and self-realization

Bertrum: Completely panics and throws himself full-force at his work in a desperate attempt to finish the park before he dies, probably nearly kills himself from overworking n the process

Lacie: Isn’t really all that surprised. Goes home to be with her wife. Possibly kills herself close to the end, not because she’s suicidal but because she’d hate to have anyone see her withering away in a hospital bed.

[ambrosiaiswriting]

the trials and tribulations of passing on a sunflower

by ambrosia

In any other situation, Sol would be thrilled to carry around a long-stemmed sunflower with her backpack and iced coffee. She would have taken extra time to pull her dark curls under a silk yellow bandana and put on her favorite white sundress to complete the whole look. Sol revels in the idea of drifting between the biology department and the Union, leaving nothing but intrigued gazes and yellow petals in her wake. 

Instead, the sunflower simply serves as a reminder of her mission for the day ahead, filling her with anxiety. She has a plan, she’ll be fine.

It had started out as a simple task. Lila, her roommate, had brought home a large bouquet of golden sunflowers from the flower shop she worked on the weekends. Sol thought she was going to distribute them into various vases throughout their apartment, but instead, Lila had left a few at every door in their floor of the apartment building. Each bunch was tied with twine and a note that read: A Random Act of Kindness. Pay it forward to someone new to spread the sunshine.

That’s all it was, a random act of kindness. Lila had said it as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Just pass on the sunflower to someone who is yet to receive one. 

Yet despite its simplicity, the act has been the only thing on her mind from the moment she had decided who to give it to. She has a plan and it was going to work out. It has to.

Now, she sits in her Molecular Biology lecture twenty minutes before class starts, her knee frantically bouncing underneath the table. The annoying flower in question glares at her from the seat beside her, sticking out of her backpack. 

The only other person in the lecture hall is a boy sitting at the end of the front row as he always does, hunched so far into his book that she thinks it will swallow him whole. Some part of her wishes he had questioned her sunflower, just so she could tell him her foolproof plan, but he hadn’t even glanced up when she had walked in. Maybe it’s for the better; she doesn’t want to jinx her plan.

Just as Sol plugs in her headphones, her phone begins to vibrate with an incoming FaceTime call. Sol looks up to see if the boy notices, but he just turns a page, undisturbed. Sol slides low in her seat. “I have class, what do you want?” she says to the caller.

Maya’s smile flashes across the screen for just a moment before she slips away from view. She’s in her room, and Sol can hear the creak of her dresser as she digs through it. Just in frame is her desk with a single sunflower on top. “What, do I need a reason to call my best friend?”

Sol stares down the sunflower as she speaks. “When you know I’m in class? Yeah. I’m busy, Maya, call someone else.”

“Wait!” Maya appears back in front of the phone. “I promise it’s just a second.” She holds two pairs of silver earrings for Sol to see. “Which one goes better with my blue dress?”

Sol drags a hand across her face, but it's mostly to hide her growing smile. Despite how Maya loves to bother her in every waking moment, there is a smidge of pride that she came to Sol for fashion advice. “Did you seriously call me for this? Where are you going? Why aren’t you in class? It’s 10 am. Also, do the star ones, I don’t like either of those.”

“Eh, it’s fine. I can afford to skip one day.” Maya reaches for the star drop earrings that Sol adores. “These?”

“Maya! You can’t just skip class because you can. Do you have a presentation or something?”

There’s a gleam in her eye when Maya winks. “Or something.”

“I swear if you’re going on a date, I will force you to make dinner tonight.” Sol glares at her best friend through the screen, but she’s smiling. By now, students have started trickling in, starting a low murmur of conversation. Sol spots a stranger near the front of the hall carrying a sunflower of their own and she finds herself grinning wider. Lila would be thrilled it's already spreading. Another classmate points silently to the seat currently occupied by Sol’s backpack and she moves it to her lap to give them space. The sunflower tickles her nose.

Maya’s smile grows when she spots it, and she raises an eyebrow. “You’ve been carrying your sunflower around all day? Won’t it need water?”

“It’s only 10 am. Besides, I don’t have time to go back to the apartment, I have class all day!”

Her roommate leans on her elbows to put her face right up near the camera. Her green eyes glimmer with amusement at Sol’s annoyance. “I have class too, remember? But unlike you, I intend on following through with my plans.”

Sol’s jaw almost drops but she slips into a smirk. “Yeah, okay, we’ll see who’s laughing when you miss something important in class today.”

“Oh, don’t worry! I’ll ask my new friend, he always takes good notes. Did I tell you about him? He—”

“I’m hanging up, Maya.” Sol tucks her phone away, and pulls out her laptop. If biology wasn’t going to be the end of her, Maya and her sunflowers would.

--

Sol goes to the library with the sole intention of printing out her lab report. However, just as she turns into the building, she spots the bathrooms and decides to make a detour. It’s only been a few hours since she took the sunflower out of its vase this morning, but late summer heat seems to have taken its toll on the plant. The large flower droops slightly, the thick petals folding in over themselves. 

Carefully, Sol takes a strip of paper towel and lets the water run over it. She squeezes it to let out the excess water, but accidentally lets out too much. Sol clicks her tongue, dissatisfied, and throws it out. Again, she takes another strip, but only pats it instead of squeezing. It seems to do the trick because the damp towel still feels cool on her skin. 

Sol is about to tuck the bottom of the sunflower into the towel when someone clears their throat behind her. “Can you hurry it up? I need to wash my hands.”

Startled, Sol quickly steps to the side, clutching the towel and flower to her chest. “Sorry.” Her heart jumps to her throat and Sol can feel the heat blooming from her neck. She feels her hands betray her, unable to finish wrapping up the sunflower. All she can do is stand, gaze burning into the floor, desperately hoping for the stranger to forget her. The stranger yanks down the paper towel dispenser, each motion pounding into Sol’s forehead as she trained her eyes away.

The stranger raises her eyebrows, eyeing the flower, before letting the door slam shut behind her.

Only when she is certain the bathroom is empty, Sol feels the embarrassment leak out of her limbs into a more manageable frustration. Watching herself in the mirror, she inhales slowly, holds it, then lets it go. The overwhelming wave of panic settles as quickly as it had come.  It’s times like this where she wishes for Maya’s natural charisma. Maybe then she wouldn’t find herself losing all coherence every time something unexpected happened. She doesn’t realize she has been rubbing a golden petal between her fingers until it plucks off the center.

After wrapping the damp towel around the base of the flower, Sol steadies herself and heads out of the bathroom in search of the printers. She has more pressing matters to worry about, after all. She remembers her call with Maya, and curiosity prickles her skin. Why was she getting so dressed up? Sol knows this sunflower act of kindness is just as important to Maya as it is to her, so why was she wasting time elsewhere? Of course, there’s the possibility that Maya has given up on the challenge altogether, but even as the thought enters her mind she brushes it away. The day Maya backs out of a challenge, especially one that she initiated, is the day Sol can learn to breathe instead of panic. 

Just as she has located the printers, mind still racing about Maya, a notification pulls her out of her thoughts.

lila (!! <3): turn around

She does, and the sight of Lila draws the tension from her shoulders at once. Sol’s smile is bright and immediate as she says, “I didn’t know you were close, I would have come found you.”

“I had to drop something off in South Campus so I was just cutting through the library. I see you still have our friend here.” Their friend, the sunflower, says nothing.

Sol slides her card into the printer and watches as it roars to life. “Don’t worry, I’ll pass it along before I come home tonight. It’s going to be perfect.”

“You and your constant need to be the best.” Lila rolls her eyes, but fondly. It twists something in Sol’s sternum.

Sol places a hand on her chest, letting her jaw fall open. “You wound me.”

“It’s supposed to be a simple act of kindness, Sol. You get a sunflower and pass it on to someone who hasn’t had one yet. Spreading positivity, not competition.”

The printer slowly begins to work, the fourteen pages stacking on top of each other in utmost precision. “Maya started it! I had full intentions of passing it on, but she had to make it a thing.” She’s only giving the half-truth and they both know it.

Lila raises her eyebrows. “If you say so.”

“I am truly, truly hurt that you came all the way to the library just to attack me. I’m just standing here, printing out this lab report, and I am being attacked.” She stretches out every word for the greatest effect, and it’s worth it to see Lila’s nose scrunch in amusement.

“You’re being so dramatic, you’re literally proving my point.”

Sol bumps Lila’s shoulder. “I’m serious! Diana will accept my sunflower and the deed will be done. Like I said, it was my idea first!”

When Lila had given Sol the sunflower the night before, after getting overwhelmingly flustered, she had mentioned how she was going to pass the sunflower on to Diana, the TA graduate student in her music theory class. Maya, who was also in the class, had fixed her with a challenging stare and said, “Not if I do it first.” The rest was completely out of her control. So, if anything, this is all Maya’s fault.

“Why do you have to give it to Diana specifically anyways?”

Sol takes her complete lab report and places it in her folder. “Are you kidding me? Lila, do you even know me? Diana is the dream. She was a child star on Broadway, I know all the lyrics in every Broadway show ever. She was a bio major in undergrad, I’m a bio major. She’s now getting her Masters in music theory, I enjoy music theory. I could literally go on forever.” Sol looks at Lila to make sure she understands the sheer gravity of this situation. “I want to be her. This sunflower is the perfect conversation starter!”

“Or you could just go to her office hours like a normal person?” Lila says it as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s the whole problem! Why would she care about any normal person? If I do this, she’ll remember me! She’ll mentor me and talk about me to all her famous friends, it’ll be perfect.”

Lila nods slowly, and Sol thinks she might actually understand. “And why does Maya want this just as badly?”

Sol zips up her backpack with a flourish. “Because Maya makes everything a challenge and she likes to annoy me in every possible way.”

“She’s your best friend, that’s her job.” Lila takes the sunflower from where it’s sitting beside the printer and hands it to her.

“Unfortunately.” A tingle crawls up her spine as their fingers brush. “It’s fine! It was my idea, so I will get there first. Just make sure we have ice cream at home, Maya will need it when she mourns her failures tonight!”

Lila steps back from her, pointing in the opposite direction of Sol’s next class. She shakes her head, amused. “I gotta go. You’re a crazy person, you know that? Both of you are crazy.”

A laugh draws itself from her throat. “You still love us though.”

Instead of chirping back like Sol expects her to, Lila just looks at her, eyes warm. “I do.”

--

Despite her careful planning, Sol only gets to the music room just in time for her music theory class. After leaving Lila at the library, she’d finished lunch and endured an achingly long chemistry lab, only  now making it to class with five minutes to spare. Sol squeezes between the rows to her usual seat in the front. Diana and Maya are nowhere to be found.

Setting her backpack at her feet, Sol draws in a slow breath. One, two, three. Out again. It’s just a flower, a simple act of kindness. Her getting there before Maya is simply a plus and a warning to never challenge her again. She can already see Lila’s exasperated sigh at them, but it only serves to make her smile.

Carefully, Sol takes the long-stemmed sunflower from her bag and lays it across her lap. She holds it with just the tips of her fingers, afraid she'll snap it if she handles it wrong. 

For once, sitting in the front corner pays off. Her bag fits neatly beside her and she can turn in her seat to get a perfect view of the door. The hall fills with muted late afternoon conversations, most people too dazed to sit up straight. The September heat swells both inside and outside, making every move require all her effort. Sol lazily wonders if Maya really went on a date in the middle of the day. Then, at least she knows dinner is covered. Honestly, after lab, all Sol wants to do is bundle up in bed with her laptop and some ice cream. Now that the moment is finally here, she feels the weight of the day pile onto her chest. Her limbs feel syrupy and she lets her head fall back on the wall, eyes flitting closed.

Diana enters with a flourish, as she always does. Her portable speaker plays the first movement of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons as she makes her way to the front of the hall, her bag in one hand and a swath of speckled tissue paper in the other. The conversations fall out as she walks, her blonde hair swishing down her back. Despite being only a few years older than most of them, she carries more authority than half the professors at this school. Oh my god, Sol wants to be her.

At once, the lethargy seeps out of her bones and she sits up in her seat. She cradles the sunflower in her lap. This is it. This is it.

Setting her things down beside the podium, Diana faces the class, her smile wide. “Good—”

The portable speaker suddenly switches from the chirping of violins to the swell of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s All I Ask of You. Sol’s heart drops to her feet. There is one person who listens to Phantom of the Opera as if it is the very source of her life.

Maya throws open the double doors of the lecture hall, her teeth flashing blindingly white. Her old high school prom dress billows around her legs like water. It’s a sheer blue tulle, layered and flowing, and it drags behind her as she struts down the aisle towards Diana. Her hair is in a ponytail high on her head, allowing the fluorescent lights to glint off her star drop earrings.

In her entrance, Sol almost didn’t see a guy trailing behind her, a single sunflower in his hand. Maya meets Sol’s eyes from across the hall and winks. Sol digs her nails into her palms to keep from screaming. 

“Diana!” Maya’s voice echoes, startling both Sol and their TA. “I have something for you.”

Diana chuckles awkwardly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Maya?”

Maya finally meets her at the front of the hall, beaming. “Diana.” She takes the sunflower from the guy, holding out in front of her. “I wanted to—”

In one swift motion, Sol whips out her water bottle and inhales as she takes a sip. The water lodges itself in the wrong tube and in a moment she’s overwhelmed with a coughing fit.

The entire lecture hall turns to her, suddenly drawn from Maya’s spectacle. Sol tries to clear her throat but it only makes things worse and she falls out of her seat. She swallows and there’s a beat of silence. “I’m fine!” The last syllable chokes out of her and sends her into another round. 

Diana and Maya both come up beside her, mirroring worry. It’s Diana who speaks first, crouching beside her. “Sol, are you okay? Do you need to step outside?”

She feels her face heat up profusely, painfully aware of the sheer number of people watching her. Worth it. Her breathing finally evens out and it pulls a small laugh from her. “Yeah, sorry. It went down the wrong pipe.”

Diana flashes her an apologetic smile, helping her up. “Be careful, I really don’t wanna call an ambulance on anyone.”

“Actually,” Sol stands, sunflower in hand and heart pounding with anticipation. “I wanted to give you something.”

Maya’s jaw drops from behind Diana. It’s Sol’s turn to wink. Adrenaline courses through her veins.

“Diana!” Maya steps between them, her hands out in front of her. “I asked first, remember? We’ll finish what I’m doing and then ask Sol.”

“Well, considering I almost died, I think we can make an exception for me, right?” She thinks she hears the beginnings of someone chanting fight, fight, fight, and it only serves to rile her up.

“You’re not dying anymore!”

“Maya—”

“Ladies!” The hall falls silent once again. She looks from them to their respective sunflowers, and a half-pitying half-amused grin pulls at her lips. “I’m flattered but,” She steps back towards the podium and pulls out a single sunflower from the folds of tissue paper she had brought with her. “I was already given one.”

Maya and Sol look back at each other, gaping. A beat of silence. Maya starts laughing first, full of life, and it’s contagious. Sol doesn’t really know what’s funnier, the foolish ends they were willing to go to in order to pass on a flower or that Diana already has one, but it has her laughing so hard she clutches her stomach. Maya hugs her once she’s calmed down, sighing. “I think we’re both a little crazy, right?”

Sol flicks her star drop earrings, grinning wide. “Just a little.”

--

After class, and after a generous apology to Diana, Sol finds herself outside the music building clutching her sunflower. The petals droop slightly with the setting sun and she feels like she should ask for the flower’s forgiveness too.

She bounces on her toes as she waits for Maya to come out, watching the last few stragglers on this side of campus trudge towards the dorms or the buses. She still feels a little silly, but there’s a layer of calm surrounding her now. The news must have already spread because when Sol pulls out her phone, there’s a message at the top. 

lila (!! <3): so much for a random act of kindness. i expect a retelling just as dramatic when you two get home tonight! i can’t believe i’m living with two crazy people.

Lila’s going to have a field day with this when they go home. Sol can’t wait to see her reaction in person. It curls her mouth into a smile.

The only person left is a boy she vaguely recognizes, sitting on the front steps of the music hall. He sits in the last rays of sunlight, bent over his book and chewing his lip, deep in thought.

Sol considers asking where she might know him from. She’ll know it the moment he tells her, it’s on the tip of her tongue, but it feels weirdly violating to ask. Instead, she places her sunflower beside him on the step.

He doesn’t notice at first, still wrapped up in his own world, but when he does, he looks around as if it were meant for someone else. Silently, he points to himself.

“Yeah. Pass it on, okay?”

His smile is surprisingly brilliant for someone of no words.

Her heart swells.

--

a/n: if you read this far, thank you! this is what i wrote for my creative writing final and it’s just a bit of fun. we love dramatic college students.

[ziracona]

What other chaotic shenanigans has Michael cat gotten into? I feel like if something happens then Michael is just smiling endearingly, Quentin is wheezing, and Laurie is sighing lol

All kinds. Every animal on the block is afraid of him, including the pitbull three houses down that used to be king of the block and now is king of the block sans the Myers yard and gives Michael Cat a respectful distance and ducks his head when he sees the cat leering out the window at him.

He’s very destructive. Thankfully not of everything in the house, or all the furniture, but every so often he will decide a random object is his, and rip it to shreds with no warning signs. Also likes to steal things sometimes and leave them under Michael’s bed in a hoard just out of curiosity and maybe also as gifts? Loves to bring kills as gifts. Michael did not know cats did this and was confused and concerned greatly the first time his pet was yowling at the door to his room and he opened it to see the thing carrying a rat almost as big as himself. Michael Cat is most loving towards Michael, but he likes the whole regular gang (and adores Claudette, which is another story), and he specifically seems invested in impresssing Laurie. She is by far the most commonly given dead things as gifts, and she kind of appreciates it—especially since he is a really good mouser, and while I am deeply sympathetic to mice myself on a personal level, if you’ve ever had the misfortune to live in a house with a mouse problem, you understand how desperately horrible that is. Myers house was old and in bad repair and in Illinois, so uh, it definitely started with one. On the other hand, though, Laurie feels kinda bad for the mice, and doesn’t love finding dead things left neatly by her shoes all the time. She’s more impressed than inconvenienced though. Also, Michael Meowers is extremely smart. After seeing someone else give Laurie a flower once, and her be happy about it, he started adding flowers and leaves to his piles of gifts by her shoes. He’s extremely proud of himself and acts like whatever thefts or kills he’s able to manage are no big deal and just trifles to his endless energy and skill. Laurie is very appreciative, and the little kitty is gleeful about being praised. He tries to act aloof, but he’s super needy. He will pretend he doesn’t need your affection, but if he’s around and wanting attention and you start using a phone or reading, he’ll come over and start aggressively chewing on whatever you’re paying attention to that is not him in an attempt to redirect that attention. One night at the Myers house will void the warranty on a lifeproof case. He also just likes to bite, and is a show affection by biting cat with very sharp teeth and a licky cat. Michael loves him deeply and does not mind petting a purring bundle of black fur that is curled up on his lap and has its teeth sunk passively into his spare hand.

That’s all more kind of par for the course cat behavior though. As far as extreme chaos goes, beyond scaring the other animals in the neighborhood, Michae Cat also is impossible to contain. They try to keep him in the house, but he has shredded screens and broken windows before, somehow always unharmed in the process. Cat has stowed away on car rides, and run after them on walks. Once during its first week home, they left it in the house asleep and went for a stroll, and about ten minutes from home, heard the bouncy “meow-meow-meow-meow” of a cat calling after you while running and Laurie looked back to see him chasing them down, and almost had a heart attack. Luckily, he let himself be picked up and taken home, instead of running off. Another time, she, Quentin, Michael, David, and Nancy were all two hours into the drive to the cabin when Michael Cat just climbed out of the pile of suitcases without warning and spring loaded launched himself at Michael in the passenger seat and almost caused a wreck. Lots of screaming. He’s notorious for being impossible to contain or stop, and half the time, they don’t even know how he got out. He’s also very good at reading vibes in a room, and if someone he likes is talking to someone they hate, there is a 90% chance that slowly slides towards 100 the longer the conversation lasts, that he will leap out and attack them unprovoked for whatever has caused the bad vibes he is picking up on. It’s kind of beautiful. He attacked someone during a game tournament once on live video stream (again it was a place he wasn’t even meant to be. He showed away, and Laurie chose to carry him in instead of missing the event herself—an act she quickly regretted) because he could tell Quentin and Min didn’t like them, and he wanted to cause chaos probably as well. That competition had to reset, because the cat singlehandedly destroyed it, but to be fair, it was one of the most highly rated streams that con ever did. He’s a menace, but in the best possible way.

Weirdly, while Alex the crow is routinely shunned by other birds, and constantly very sad about this, and Michael Cat throws hands with anything that looks fun to fight on sight, after a few initial scrapes at their first several meetings, the two started vibing, and Michael Cat was the first animal to decide it liked Alex. It’s weird, because Alex sure does not like cats, and Michael usually will try to attack and kill any bird, but those two will play with each other if they get the chance, and genuinely seem interested in each others’ company. No one knows why.

Also, while only medium chaotic, Michael Cat causes the most trouble for Claudette. Unfortunately, this is becuase he loves her, and no one has any idea how to curb this issue. She’s like his second favorite person ever after a time early the first year when she saved his life, and since she’s an angel now in his head, he always tries to give her gifts. Early on, he caught her a mouse that he hadn’t totally killed (as cats often do), and she was super distressed and saved the mouse and nursed it back to health and then let it go. Unfortunately though, Michael Cat, who watched this all go down, had his takeaway from that be “Wow she had so much fun playing with that—she loved it,” and now every time he sees her, will try to capture a live something for her and drop it off. She has had to nurse a lot of birds back to health and it distresses her so much. Michael Cat thinks he’s incredible and doing an amazing gift giving job. 50% of the time Claudette visits, they’ll have gotten halfway through a conversation, and then hear the pad-pad-pad of kitty feet and a sad cheeping sound and a proud meow from the floor and Claudette will go “Oh no,” with great sadness, and go accept her wounded house finch and get to work of go take it to an animal clinic. This has drastically curbed his actual kill count though, so that’s a plus. Laurie is working on trying to get him to stop targeting birds at least and only pick on rodents at present. It’s working, just slowly.

About a year in, Michael and Laurie were going through files, and old newspapers, and there was a picture of Loomis in one, and Michael clearly and visibly had such a strong reaction to it that Michael Cat ripped it up and ate it in solidarity, and they let him (well, Laurie tried to stop the eating part) becuase it was kind of nice. Kitty was feeling the chaos that day, and kept ripping up pictures as they went through, and since then, it has turned into almost a game or a trick. Cat will shred all Loomis photos with a vengeance. It’s a very cathartic party trick for his namesake.

He also regularly just decides to attack things, or that a random object is his and will snag it and begin a chase while whatever poor person he has robbed screams for him to stop and gives chase. Sometimes this is becuase he wants the thing, sometimes becuase he wants the chase. Objects stolen or attacked have included keys, food—especially poisonous to cats food, headbands, books, phones, necklaces, wallets, kitchen knives, Tapp’s gun (no one understands how he got it—the panic was real and complete), Jake’s engagement ring (taken off his finger), letters, wrapped presents, term papers, scarves, and more. Cat also figured out early on that Frank was nervous around him specifically, and since made it his goal to go bother him and follow him around whenever he’s there for maximum discomfort. I don’t think he’s even really trying to be mean—just the urge to cause trouble is too compelling to fight.