#so i'm proud of myself now for doing at least a better than before job at articulating and communicating my thoughts and emotions

[noxtivagus]

i had such a weird dream last night hsjfjfjhkdl

[bluecollarmcandtf]

Cash Slave, reporting in...

Good morning, master. State Trooper Hernandez reporting!

I hope you're doing well since the last time we saw each other. Again, I can't apologize enough for pulling you over on the highway. I had no idea you were such an amazing hypnotist. Thank you again for letting me get off easy and only making me taze myself twice! I was paralyzed in that muddy ditch for awhile, but you could've given me a helluva worse punishment!

Your instructions aren't negotiable, so I made sure to snap a photo before I started my shift today. As you suggested, I've been eating a box of donuts every morning, and I've packed on a hefty 30 lbs since I've started. My wife has complained, but I know you want me to look more like a cliche of law enforcement!

I'll stop by your house to drop off my paycheck tonight after work. I won't forget to pick up some pizza for you and your friends on the way: extra sausage, just like you said!

See you tonight, master!

Hello sir.

It's been a week since you came into my shop, and I've followed everything you said. I didn't agree with it at first, but you convinced me with that little pendant.

You were right! I really am beneath powerful men like you. Filthy blue-collar workers aren't worthy to lick the dirt off your shoes. You were right to point that out, and you were right to tell me to embrace it. When the world looks at me, they shouldn't see a man. They should see a grease monkey at the bottom of society.

That's why I haven't showered or changed in seven days. My BO is uncomfortable to work in, but I know it's just a reminder of what I am. I used to be proud of my job. Ha! I used to look down on suits like you, but I'm nothing in comparison; just a tool at your disposal.

Anyways, I cleaned and waxed your old car as fast as I could. I know I lent you my convertible, but you're welcome to keep it. I put a lot of sweat and blood in fixing her up, but like you said, fancy cars are meant for you to drive and me to maintain.

Stop back in my garage anytime. White-collar men like you get free service here! It's not the place of any lowly laborer to get in the way of what you want.

Thank you again, sir.

Hello boss.

Just started another long day of window washing! It's another hot one, but I'll keep my head down and sweat through it like usual.

I've gotta say, it's days like this that make me miss the comforts of my old corporate desk job. I'd kill for some AC right now, but I remember how much you made me realize I hated that career. Like you said, I'm much better suited to a life of mindless cleaning.

It turns out you're the real one with a knack for business strategy because all of your advice has been genius! The income is dependent on the hours I put in, and since I'm working for half the price of all competitors, I've gotten a monopoly on the market! I've fully booked all seven days for the next five or so weeks, so I'll be washing windows non-stop!

The business is already booming! I've been billing customers to your bank account, so you should already see all the profit in there!

Later today, I'll make a note of the minimum I need to replenish the cleaning supplies I'm running through. I'd also be grateful if you loaned me a bit for personal use, but it's understandable if you can't spare any! We agreed that I wasn't working for a salary, and I'm fine with that! I've been sleeping in the company van the last few weeks and it's more than good enough for me!

Don't worry, boss. I'll get back to work!

Tell my wife hello for me, master!

Working on a rig has been isolating. The job is brutal, the days are long, and every night I head back to our bunks covered in oil. I thought I'd at least get to bond with the other guys, but most of us are too tired to do anything but eat and sleep after our shift.

The only thing that's getting me through it is thinking about you. I know I also have a girl at home, but you were the one that gave my life purpose. I was never going to make money as an actor, and you helped me see that! You were the one that convinced me to go for this ridiculous job in the middle of the ocean, and now I'm making a ton of money!

You deserve it all.

I wouldn't have seen any of this cash if I hadn't stuck around after your stage hypnosis show. I still remember the wild look in your eyes when you came up with this idea for me. I also remember that hungry look you had when you saw my wife. It was impossible to say no.

Oh, and thanks for keeping my wife company while I'm gone. A man like you deserves her attention more than I do. Like you said, I doubt I was pleasing her to begin with. The only thing I'm good for is earning money, and I hope you're enjoying it because it sure isn't easy to earn!

I gotta get back, but I wanted to let you know that I signed up for another six months like you suggested. It's lonely, but I'm happy to do it, master!

Son, or should I still call you 'sir'?

I'm not sure if I your new title applies through text as well? Being your dad and your servant can be a bit confusing, but I don't mean disrespect you! Just let me know.

My workout is done and I'm headed back to your house. I signed the deed over to you this morning, so you officially own it now! Like usual, I'll clean the place from top to bottom. I've got all the mops and cleaning supplies in my van and ready to go. Since it's Friday, I'll start on the weekly yard work; mowing, weeding, etc... I don't want to bore you with the details, but it'll take the majority of the day to keep your place in tip top shape!

As I understand it, you are having friends over tonight, so I'll prepare a three course meal for eight. I ironed my apron this morning so I should look like a more presentable waiter than last night when I served your food!

As always, please let me know if there's any other way I can be of service today or tonight.

I'll be awaiting your return, sir.

Hey little bro,

I just finished my workout at the gym with dad. We're both hitting PRs and we're really starting to see some results! Still can't believe you hypnotized his dumb ass to think he's your butler! That man looks so stupid changing from gym clothes into a bowtie and gloves. He's constantly calling you 'sir' too, even when you're not around.

He's such an idiot.

Anyways, I'm all dressed and ready for my new job. You were totally right. I'm going to be so much happier as a clown instead of a wrestler. I'm about to head out to my first gig; a ten year old's birthday party. I think he's the kid of someone I used to compete with. It might be a little awkward, but it won't affect my routine. I've got an afternoon of pies in the face and self-deprecating humor ahead of me.

I made sure to tell the guy who hired me that I'm willing to stay after and clean up. Kids make a huge mess after all. I just hope he won't be too weird about me being a clown at his son's party. We may have been rivals in the past, but that was back when I wrestled. Now I'm just a joke for hire. He's technically my boss for the day, so I'll have to get used to taking orders from him.

Wish me luck, bro. I'll give you the money after the dad dismisses me. Let's hope I make a good clown!

[the-magpie-archives]

Several times recently I've found myself making tea whilst listening to The Magnus Archives, and as a result I've developed a silly little headcanon...

I'm not sure if it's a nationwide thing, but certainly throughout my life I've experienced the weird stigma of having sugar in your tea. It's not direct or aggressive, but there always seems to be this vague notion that sweetening your tea makes you less strong, less manly. I rarely see men ask for sugar, and often observe an obvious proudness in teenage boys when they say "no sugar, thanks."

Picture Jonathan Sims, newly appointed archivist, worried he's not good enough, placed haphazardly in power of people who were very recently peers, and desperately trying to prove he's the right man for the job. Everything seems to be falling apart a bit, and he's not at all sure his assistants have any faith in him; he had to ask for a tape recorder because he couldn't get his laptop to work properly - that's embarrassing.

Now imagine Martin: office sweetheart, gets along with pretty much anyone, just moved to a new position working with two close friends, and the attractive guy from research is his boss (he's a bit rude and stuck up, but it's probably just the stress, right?). He's pretty comfortable! Aside from the occasional snide remark from Jon it is a good job, which is especially pleasing considering how he got to work at the institute in the first place.

Two opposing forces, as we all well know! But what's better at building bridges than a nice cup of tea? Martin makes a lot of tea, but I like to think he memorises how everyone takes theirs. Regardless, he has to ask at least once.

And so, kind, sweet, gentle Martin, his offer of a cup of tea promptly accepted, would have the misfortune of saying, "do you take that with sugar?" to an embarrassed, flustered Jon, who's trying desperately not to confront any romantic feelings he might have hidden away. The ensuing scoff and slightly too enthusiastic 'No! Thank you.' would be enough to remember that preference for a while.

As times go on, hundreds of cups of tea later, things get less tense between the pair, and Martin never has to revisit the question; but late one night, shortly before Jon is to leave for Great Yarmouth and Martin is to risk it all to take down Elias, Jon places a hand gently on Martin's shoulder and asks "Could I have a cup of tea?". Of course Martin says yes, it's the least he could do, but as he turns to go and make it, Jon calls out again. "With sugar, please."

Just a tiny vulnerability, but enough. By that point most of Jon's facade has been torn roughly away many times, but letting go of small points of pride often means more than non-deliberate actions. Having enough bravery to admit to liking something soft and sweet is harder than you'd think.

Maybe during those six months after, Martin would watch the sugar dissolve into his own tea with a painful melancholy, the sweetness a bitter memory.

[jodiellie]

Week 1 Evaluation

It's been a week since I've started this journey, so let's reflect on how the first week has been!

First of all, let's have a refresher on what my GOALS for this 30 days initially is~

Fixing my sleep schedule

Incorporate more physical activities (doesn't have to be exercising, can be stretches or walks!)

Drawing more often for practice

Sleep:

I'd say sleep wise, I'm slowly getting better at it. Though, there are moments where I couldn't get myself to sleep and ended up getting worse. But in general, I think I've made good progress than before I started on this journey, so good job me! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

Physical activities:

I'm pretty proud of my progress for this! So far, I've managed to do something everyday for the past week to get my body moving! Whether it be actually following along exercising videos on Youtube or some stretching to ease some tension on muscles! Again, good job to myself uwu

Drawing:

Now this. I did NOT meet this goal at all during this entire week, which is a shame. I think I was focusing a lot on taking better care of my own body that the thought of taking care of my skill set kinda slipped my mind? Which, to be fair, is kind of expected since even trying to remind myself to do certain basic self care task is difficult in itself. So, it's okay, we'll just have to do better during the following week~

Extras:

Other extra stuff for my health that I think would I've done well is also finally taking my meds and vitamins. Though it's not consistent yet, I'm glad I finally was able to take them more than I was before. This goes for my water intake as well! Sometimes I would go on days without drinking any water at all, which is quite bad... But now that I'm trying to actively record down my days and what I've done to better my body, it serves as a reminder in itself to drink more water, so yayyy another great job done for me °ʚ(´꒳`)ɞ°

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Things I need to improve/add for the following week:

After a week into this journey, I think I'd like to adjust some of my goals and be a little more specific in what I want to achieve for hopefully the next week! This will help me be a little clearer with what I need to do and help myself feel good in the future >:)

Try to sleep 30 mins earlier than the last, but the latest time for me to go to bed would be 3am. I have been doing quite okay with only a few slips here and there on this. So hopefully by the end of the next week, I can somehow sleep around 12am instead.

Still moving my body every single day, but let's try to exercise 3 times this week for at least 30 minutes! It's been a long time since I've exercised that I forgot how good I always feel afterwards both physically and mentally. So yes, I'd like to challenge myself to actually do some exercise more often! ( *` • ω •´)ゝ

Since I have 0 progress on my drawing, I want to start slow and easy myself into it. Since it feels daunting (for some reason), let's try achieving at least 30 minutes per day for 3 days of art practice. Can be anything, like anatomy, color study, or even just my own personal art. As long as it reaches the goal I set, then it's good :>

[whumpshaped]

a concept just rammed into my head and i will now share it with my fellow Ambac Rotators on this blog: beck and helle species(?) switch

beck as a (relatively) new vampire

helle as a vampire hunter

no idea where this is gonna go. i just had the sudden image of human!helle pinning down a vampire 🛐

good day anon. i finally have the tentative spoons to engage w the fantasy (that ive been meaning to write for FOREVER and ur ask served as a good reminder of my goals and aspirations thank u)

masterlist

vampire hunter beck

tw vampire whumpee, dehumanisation, pet whump

Beck had been overly cautious every time he went hunting. He had to be, as a stupid little runt without anyone to protect him.

He had crawled out of his grave and into the clutches of a woman he barely recognised, only to immediately be discarded once she realised he couldn't use magic. He had begged her to leave him alive at least, promising to stay out of her way and go 'hunt' on someone else's territory; not his proudest moment, but then again, he had little to be proud of lately.

He hunted as best as he could, picking off lone passerby and muffling their cries as he drank his fill, too frantic and hungry to really care about causing pain. Then he disappeared for days, sometimes weeks, terrified of drawing attention to himself. And the cycle would repeat.

Until one day, he slipped up and chose the wrong target.

Beck had never seen a hunter before, especially not so up close and personal — and now that they were straddling his waist and putting a stake to his heart, he decided he didn't fucking like them. He had his hands up on either side of his head without having to be told, completely still in an attempt to appease the hunter who had caught him.

"You're the runt," they stated, not even a hint of doubt in their voice, but Beck nodded anyway.

"Yes, sir," he breathed, very aware of the sharp point digging into his chest whenever he dared inhale.

The title wasn't a conscious choice, really. He'd had to talk his way out of quite a few confrontations before, and if there was one thing he'd learned throughout all of it, it was that manners never hurt.

The hunter looked amused, leaning down a little and inadvertently placing more of their weight on the stake. Beck tensed under them, squeezing his eyes shut in anticipation of his inevitable demise. "Sir? Have I gotten myself a polite little leech?"

"I can be very polite so long as I'm alive, sir," he said hastily, and they chuckled.

"Alive... as if. Don't flatter yourself. I've seen corpses that looked better than you."

Beck pressed himself even more against the ground. "You're right, sir," he squeaked. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, listen." They clicked their tongue at him, like one would to get a pet's attention, and he reluctantly opened his eyes again. "I've got a deal for you."

"A... a deal?"

Was this common? He had nothing to compare this to. Were all hunters like this?

"Only because you're so well-behaved." They pressed down on the stake a little, as a gentle reminder for Beck to keep behaving, and he was suddenly very eager to nod along. "You see, runts are pretty rare. And regular vampires... they can't really be kept. It's a one and done deal, I come in, I stake them, I get my money."

That was simple enough. Terrifying, but simple. But also– "K-kept?"

"Kept," they repeated, grin widening. "Like a dog."

Beck swallowed. He had a feeling of where this was going, and he did not like the implications. "I... I see."

"And while I'm pretty successful, as far as hunters go... This is a dangerous job. I could use a buffer."

"No," he said timidly. "Please, I can't do anything, I can't– I can barely hunt, I'm starving half the time–"

"I could do with bait, too," they interrupted, shushing Beck when they saw him open his mouth to protest. "And of course, because I deal fairly, I'd let you have some blood in exchange. Can't have a pet without feeding it."

That... That made the offer sound much better, all of a sudden. He hadn't had anything to drink in at least a week, getting by on whatever dead animal he could find in the parks at night. Drinking from roadkill. His mouth was watering at the mere thought of human blood, even though the hunter hadn't yet specified what they'd be feeding him.

"Mmm, what is it? Interested?" they taunted, and Beck couldn't resist nodding a little. He wanted someone to protect him so badly; apparently even if they were a hunter.

"What... what do I need to do, sir?" he asked as respectfully as he possibly could, already wincing when the hunter pulled out a collar from their coat pocket and threw it into his hand.

"First things first, put that on. We'll discuss the rest on the way home."

~

taglist: @whumpsday @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @florissimps @nicolepascaline @oliversrarebooks @thecyrulik @pirefyrelight @there-will-always-be-blood @pigeonwhumps @echo-goes-mmm @whumpycries @morning-star-whump @d-cs @watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees @tauntedoctopuses @blueyellow8green @typewrittenfangs @whumpsoda @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @auroragehenna @whumpedydump

[feralkwe]

For the Director's Cut: To The Edge (And Back Again)

Also, i just want to congratulate you on your exquisite taste of being an Elidibus fan. He is so <3

to the edge (and back again)

this dinged danged fic may be the best work i've ever published. it is, hands down, the one i am most proud of writing, and definitely the one i worked the hardest on. so many lovely little threads to pull together. i spent so much time reading so much lore, combing wikis, sifting through short stories with a fine toothed comb. listening to music. replaying cutscenes. i've never worked so hard to get the lore so right (and i still made some pretty big errors!). it is the most work i've put into a fic ever, and my only chaptered canon character centric work. in a way, it was my white whale. it is by and far the most popular fic i've ever written.

the shb patches gently and slowly broke me as the more we learn about elidibus through them the more he broke my heart. in the beginning i was furious about what he does to ardbert, and it quickly evolved and i felt awful by the conclusion. at the end of the trial the wol is putting down the remaining shell of a very broken man, angry and mad and absent the memories of why he is so driven, and in the throws of rage in his grief at being the last of the unsundered. there was no glory in that victory. nothing to take pride in. it is quickly apparent after anamnesis anyder that he is unwell. even y'shtola mentions that it seems like a mercy killing put in motion by emet-selch. i think the game meant for me to be very sad about one thing at the end of seat of sacrifice, but i was very, very wrapped up in elidibus' fate. the wol has no choice but to stop him, and the only way to stop him is to kill him. i was devastated that it came to that. perhaps being someone who suffers from psychosis made it personal. i couldn't say for sure.

and then after all of it, he gives the very last of his self, his essence, to send us back in time to do what he could not.

it was some time before i did the pandaemonium raids, and they smacked me in the face from the moment you drop into elpis. i became preoccupied with elidibus (and since i played them so late, i already knew the themis-elidibus connection). how did this clever, sweet, smart, driven, and oh so young man who valued his job and duty above all else, get to "i'm going to sacrifice myself to give life to god?"

more than that, the overarching story of ffxiv reinforces a falsehood that zodiark was corrupt, power hungry, and even the source of all evil right up until fandaniel actually corrupts him. this just is not true. even though the writers carefully leave us a trail of crumbs to lead us to question the in-world narrative of zodiark's motivations and morality, much of fandom blithely accepts hydaelyn's misleading of the wol and the word of the lopporits, who are unreliable, being literal creations of hydaelyn herself. the zodiark plan worked. the souls who sacrificed themselves saved the world, at least bought it time. and elidibus somehow got to a place where he felt it was his sole responsibility to bear it all.

it worked. and the burden broke him on the most fundamental level even before hydaelyn made her choices.

that journey gripped me so hard that i had to tell that story. i had to set the record straight in a way that satisfied me. the souls who fueled the creation of hydaelyn get to be literal gods. the souls sacrificed to zodiark are all but forgotten. we only know one of their names. elidibus fought until his last breath for them, for better or for worse. that has to matter.

and now i kill him at least once a week in the hopes of getting my hands on that "fleeting moments" orchestrion. i begged forced my free company to help me do the seat of sacrifice (extreme) so i could get the axe that drops.

so, thank you for this ask. i am so normal about elidibus in a way i've never been normal about another fictional character before.

[lovelynim]

Profile Tag Game!

Hello - Oh, hello! You can call me Fabi. I was tagged by @otomiyaa and saw no other option but to participate in this little game. Now... I wonder, what brought you here, hm?

Chat: Tickling - Why do I like it so much, you ask? I'm not sure... I can't really tell when it caught my attention, but I guess I just dove deeper and deeper and here I am now. If I'm ticklish? Sorry to disappoint you, but no. Trust me, I tried to find out.

Chat: Writing - I'm not sure why, but when I'm not really inspired or don't have a prompt in mind, I feel that my writing gets better if I'm angry or sad. I wonder... would this mean something?

When It Rains - It's been reaaaaally hot here lately, so it's good to finally see some rain ~ of course, that if I can get home before the rain leaves me soaking wet.

When It Snows - Snow, you say? That might come out as a shock, but I never saw snow before... what is it like?

When the Sun Is Out - Agh, sunlight... Who gave the stupid idea of going outside when it's this hot?

Good morning - If you are waking up early, make sure to not make much noise. I'm having a day off and I don't want to be up by the sunrise...

Good night - There it goes another day... I always feel like I could've done more at times like this, but it's no use feeling this way, right? Good night!

About me: Games - I hope this doesn't sound too cringe-y or something, but I'm quite a gamer myself. I'm somewhat proud for being able to manage to play four games even after becoming an adult, eheh ~

Something to Share: Fandoms - I think the thing that disappoints me the most about my blog is that I'm head over heels for so many niché fandoms and I barely have people to hear me ranting about them... Sigh, I wish I could make more people play the same games as I do ~

My Hobbies: ??? - Ahm... Is writing or gaming considered a hobby? Eh, no? Hmm... then I guess I don't have any to share...

My Troubles - Dealing with people is more troublesome than I first expected when I started working at my current job... I need to find a way to look less angry and more friendly - even when they make stupid questions...

Favorite Food: Oh, that's an easy one: pasta! ~

Least Favorte Food: I'm quite the picky eater myself, so there are quite some to list here, but I simply refuse to eat pork, no matter how you prepared it or whatever.

About @wertzunge - Max was probably the first person I got to know when I started my blog. I reached out to him without much in mind, but seeing how our friendship developed over the past years... I don't regret a single bit what I did and would do it all over again!

About @shy-lee-chu - I've to admit that kid got some nerve, heh. She is fun to hang around with and I'm glad I could get to know her more - she has a lot of interesting stuff to share, but... Well, that doesn't mean I won't put her back into her place if she doesn't respect her elders, ehe ~

For this game I'll be tagging @fluffy-ami @chibimochii @ticklystuff @keru0 and, as always, whoever feels like joining us ~

[wolfjackle-creates]

Heya, Wolfjackle!!!

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Ooh!!! Such a fun question. So, first off, I love pretty much everything I've written and I'm not afraid to say it. I will say I did a better job executing some than others though.

First, I have to open with my Good Omens fic The Demon Piper. This is the fic that got me back into writing. It is the first story I wrote to completion and was happy enough with to share. I was inspired to write it by someone I was crushing on at the time who helped motivate me and let me brainstorm at them. It's a story that features Crowley as the Pied Piper of Hamlin. I still kinda wished I'd called it the Pied Demon, but, well, the adjective pied is archaic and most people don't know it anymore. So, demon Piper it was. (Also, it's based on a really fun song called The Pied Piper by Heather Dale.)

Next, I'm gonna mention Bring Me Home which is still only on Tumblr. I love this one so much. It keeps expanding on me, but it was my first dpxdc fic. In the process of writing it, I learned so much about DC, so much about Tim and Kon and Bart and Cassie. I made new friends and found a home in a new fandom and found the attraction of crossovers for the first time.

I also have to mention my other long dpxdc fic, Ghost!Robin (which still needs an actual name). I love this one because it was my first time writing such a large cast. I got to learn how to juggle characters and tag dialogue when every line needs some indication of who's speaking. I love how the story expanded so far beyond what I originally planned and I'm excited to get back to it because y'all, my plans for Jason and Robin? I think they're gonna be epic.

Fourth is gonna have to be another Good Omens fic, An Evening In. It was my first attempt at writing smut. The working title of the doc on my laptop is "attempt at E" because I didn't expect to do more than write something for myself. But then I kinda liked it? And showed it to a friend who had written smut before (and she read it over in her cult-church service which thrills me). And she gave me so much advice. The end result was honestly really good and practically every comment has some form of "this is your first smut???"

Fifth... this one will change based on when you ask me. Right now I'm gonna say my newest fic Remember, Remember. It was my first time writing a fic with minimal dialogue that's mostly introspection and covers multiple years of time in 1.3k words. I'm generally a writer who takes her time with a story. Ghost!Robin is currently 16k and covers a single meal, for example. An Evening In is a pwp and 18k and covers a single evening. But this one? Years of time in 1.3k. And it worked. And that's pretty cool.

The theme for what I like the most that I've done? When I try something new and it works. I get really proud when I try something I've never done before and I manage to pull it off. It often takes a few drafts, but I have seen my own improvement and it's amazing.

And again, just because it's not on this list doesn't mean I don't like it. Once I get a bit further into it, I think Carry Your Heart will dethrone one of these and so might Answer My Call.

Edit: half the links I made got removed before posting. I'll fix them on desktop in an hour or so.

Edit 2: Fixed the links!

[hetalia-club]

I just have to spill my thoughts here for a second about my personal life for my own sanity. feel free to happily ignore and scroll by.

Good news everyone :D I just dumped my toxic emotionally abusive boyfriend. Terrible News everyone! :DDDD He was also my best friend and childhood best friend so isn't that great!? :)))

We were supposed to go to Sicily together in May...Why did I DO THAT!? I spent 2k on my plane ticket...the room is reserved... Do I like just not go to Italy now? Do I say F it and just go by myself? Do I try and quickly beg someone else to go with me who's okay with spending at least 2k on a plane ticket? Which would be no one in my life, maybe my parents would but idk what they got going on. I really wanted to go. Why could I have like just not waited until after that? We share a friend group and they are all more his friends than mine. So I just like isolated myself for no reason.

Sorry to dump this here and no I don't expect any of you to have the answers or do anything with this information.

These past few weeks for me have been really rough and I just made it somehow worse.

He distanced me from all my former friends who have all like moved on and have families and whatever and who I have not spoken to in five years so all I have right now is my family and work 'friends' I don't even like. I'm going to have to live with my parents for who knows how long because it was his house he had all the money in our relationship. He convinced me to quit my good desk job with benefits to work part time as a barista so I could clean his house and cook for him. But he also put up with all my weirdness and was fine with it.

Like when I say I have no idea what to do I truly mean that.

again I don't want anyone to feel responsible to do something about how I royalty screwed up my life. It's no ones fault. I shouldn't have let him isolate me so much from my friends and former life but TOO LATE NOW! I just need to stop being with men who have brown hair and brown eyes but are objectively terrible.

My only silver lining is that I was the one to end it. Which if anything am proud of myself for that because I have never broken up with anyone before and I normally just deal with whatever people do to me no matter how terrible and mean they are. I just have always forgiven him and everyone else.

But when some dude bro sits you down and asks you to "List reasons why you deserved to be loved by him" it was just too much. Like that might seem petty but I am sick of being the 'pretty girlfriend' I am so tired of having to dress to the 9s to go out and be expected to be perfect even if we're just going to a F*ng dive bar where I get stared out for dressing like I'm going to a club. Where he gets to look like a diarrhea stain who can't be bothered to wear a shirt that's not wrinkled or shave his scraggly beard. Why he thinks I should make a list of MY worth as a human being in his eyes. When he is average at best!? Like I'm not a 10 I'm not perfect I'm not delusional, I don't think I'm the hottest girl in the world or gods gift to man kind. But I'm out of his league, I do know that!

I always tend to cling to Hetalia harder when my life is falling apart around me because that's sort of just what I've done since I was a teen. I've never been in a healthy relationship with someone who actually likes me and Hetalia has always been there for me. Which is why I have been making a lot of content lately, it's been a distraction and I'm sorry if I've been bugging people with how much I've been posting. That's not been my intentions its just my coping mechanism and it's better than drinking...

This is the only social media I have that he's not on. I don't hate him enough to block him. I do still want to try and be his friend at some point if that's possible. I love his family and they love me and it's going to be so upsetting to see them again from a different perspective.

I'm okay...It's just been really rough lately...And I somehow just made it worse.(No I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone, don't even worry about that.)

[artfightdramaconfessions]

So, this year I did my first Art Fight; I had joined in 2021 but kept myself as a spectator to observe it and see what the rules would be like, how things are done, the general etiquette of it - and I think, being involved in the fight is very different from watching it.. Wholesome, sweet and kind on the outside; very distant, lazy and disorganized on the inside.

Personally, however, I had a wonderful time! I think I pumped out loads of art and I am proud of what I did for others; high-quality, fully-rendered, respect being given to character features and everything being on-model. I drew exactly 80 pieces, majority of them being waist or fullbody, and only about 5 simple-shaped characters and 3 mass attacks. It was heartwarming to see much of it later being posted on Toyhouses, in the character's reference pages, and elsewhere. All around, I was satisfied in what I was able to provide and enjoyed drawing characters I wouldn't personally design, like drawing really cute girls and ferals when I usually lean to monsters and men! I found unique designs, novices and beginners, all sorts.

And while I got a quarter of defenses in return which I absolutely cherish and some sweet comments on a majority of my pieces, I saw how others have complained about not being given responses for work that they've poured hours into... That made me wonder if that's just.. Generally the mentality of artists now; either too introverted to show appreciation to fellow artists in spite of us collectively knowing how challenging it can be to make art, or just joining to farm and then acting too tired or busy to actually participate. - And then the other half almost kill themselves and psychologically drain themselves in the parasocial cycle that Art Fight has to offer in its "trading environment". Sure I could be classified in the latter group too, but I still practiced self-care and got shit done compared to the burnout horror stories I see. It's quite a wild contrast to observe, and leads to psychological turmoil on both sides when one only gives and the other only takes.

There's also the case of people joining the fight and not contributing at all; just picking a side, dropping some characters, (sometimes a broken promise) and then disappearing. I do not want to hear the "they have real lives off the internet, they were busy" excuse, either - I too have a life: I am a teacher during the week /and/ I have a weekend job. When it is summer holidays for the Northerners, I am down in the Southern hemisphere, dealing with the winter, working and freezing my hands up to the point I don't want to create art sometimes when I get home - but I was still perfectly diligent and on top of things.. But hey, maybe I'm built different, and some people are simply just lazy and want rewards without the effort, or quickly assume they deserve more than what they should.

On the bright side, I'm glad I didn't deal with anyone hostile or disrespectful, and I only encountered two genuine art farmers who pretended they didn't know how to draw or "weren't skilled". Always the same excuses, at some point we have to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt so often; As gatekeepy as it is, I'd imagine a game for artists should be reserved for artists, it's not like an unfit marine biologist would want to participate in the Olympics, let alone be allowed to, so why should people who otherwise hate drawing or don't want to learn the skill and deliberately say such things want to join? In a sense it feels like a mockery towards art and the exchange of creativity in general, and I've been on porn sites that check the quality of your art before they post it better than this! There should be at least an entry requirement for signing up for Art Fight where you send in an artwork before the mods verify your account; there would be a fuckload less farmers, for certain.

I'm hoping that maybe, just because it was my first Art Fight, that /maybe/ this high-attack low-defense ratio of mine is to be expected, and if I just manage to spread my art to even further crowds and find new people to attack, I'll find others who will like my designs and be eager to draw them with the same level of eagerness I had to draw theirs. All that matters to me is if I find people who /want/ to draw my characters, not feel obliged to, in the same way I was never obliged to draw that pink, ridiculously-well-endowed Succubus or stocky, angry little Pokemon - but I did it anyway! I simply enjoyed the spontaneity and diversity of character design and unfamiliar fandoms. In the end, after all I've said, it doesn't matter how much art you get in return, it's about how proud you feel about what you contributed to the fight, and what you learned and discovered in the fun little world of character design.

I don't feel discouraged to draw less next year, I'm going to simply relent, but I can see why other artists hang their heads after their first time when they encounter hostility, are ignored, or don't get what they want out of it.

I think these are some things that I would want to improve if I could:

The ratio should calculate points, that will really incentivize people into prioritizing quality over quantity with their attacks. If you want to see how many attacks VS defenses someone has, just go and check on their front page (if you want it to specifically see how many attacks and defenses they had in one year specifically, they should add a sorting filter for that). The only "downside" I can imagine is an increase in mass-attacks, a joy for some but not for others.

After July, I think that we should still be able to submit Revenge-Only attacks during August - and to not have revenge chains be exploited, only be able to post a revenge once on a Level 1.. Level. I see a lot of people seeming guilty for not being able to attack back within the month or being a minute too late to submit a revenge, and then also just being too shy to submit the attack off-site / not being able to do it offsite / not thinking it's worth it without getting points / etc. - and easy resolve would be to allow revenges to still be posted during August, and Moderators can calculate the event scores and winners in September; trying to cram all of the admin into 12 days is insanity and I am speaking from a perspective that deals with a painful amount of admin. Also, get a fucking search bar that's accessible for everyone, holy Hell.

I'm.. Not sure if my tangent was in good spirits or not, it's rather just thoughts that have been rolling around in my head while I've been reflecting on my experience. Hope everyone else had a good Art Fight and reached their goals, or met and made some friends through it. :)

.

[dreamyfanfix]

Chapter 5: Long Gone But Not Moved On

Sorry, I know this is late but I was writing and kept writing and then I had 15K words. I eventually found a stoppage point but it required me to write a bit around some things especially because this chapter and the next are a bit miserable for the pair. It will get better though...

--

Present:

It had been a couple of days since Kate had a near miss with Anthony in the hospital. Learning about how much of a bad time he had been having since they were forced to see each other again was not something she took lightly. Kate barely remembered what happened after her breakup with Anthony. All she remembered was deep pain and then almost being lucid again 5 months later with a puppy named Newton and an urge to do better.

Seeing Anthony again was not easy for her either but unlike Kate, Anthony had moved on and so even though it hurt her to see him with Siena and hear about his dalliances from gossipers, Kate kept her head down and tried to be a good ex-girlfriend.

Kate had gotten messages and missed calls from Daphne and Simon. Kate knew that avoiding Simon would be too difficult hence why she found herself in Agatha Danbury's office this early morning.

Kate had just handed Agatha her notice and Agatha was surprised and irritated, to say the least.

"I thought we agreed you would give me more time to discuss with the shareholders about promoting you," Agatha said sternly.

"We did but things changed. I think it would be best if I moved on," Kate said with what she hoped was finality.

"If this is what that Bridgerton boy said to you at my godson's baby shower then you must know that I gave him and his mother a stern talking to,"

"I don't doubt it but you know I wanted to move more into family law. Do not get me wrong I think we have done a good job rattling the feathers of the elite but now I think it's time I get to work on fighting with the less fortunate," Kate said.

"You are making me regret investing in your friend's firm," Agatha chuckled.

"You won't regret it. Sophie is more determined than me when it comes to this stuff and it will be a challenge but I have always done my best as a solicitor when I was the underdog," Kate said chuckling a bit.

"I guess I have to understand that thought myself," Agatha continued "I accept your notice, Kate," Agatha stood up to shake Kate's hand and Kate stood up to take it.

"Thank you. You have been an incredible mentor all these years," Kate said emotionally.

"Hush now child, you will shine just fine on your own. And if not there will always be a place for you here at Danbury Law," Agatha said.

"Thank you again," Kate said and made to leave but not before asking the question she has had on her mind since she first started at Danbury Law "Why is the firm called Danbury Law?" Agatha turned to face Kate again and looked at her with an arched brow "Why not name it Agatha Law or Soma Law after your maiden name?"

Agatha sighed and then said "You must know I am a proud West African woman but my relationship with my past is not that positive I'm afraid," Agatha took a breath and continued "I grew up in a small village in Sierra Leone, my family did not have much of money, prospects or connections. When I was 8 years old I was attending church with my parents when a man came to town, he was from a village over but he got adopted by a British family and was visiting his country of birth. He took one look at me and proclaimed me the most beautiful girl in the world. Naturally, this is not an uncommon thing I had heard when I was younger but he was hyper-fixated on me, he made me laugh and promised my parents he would come back to marry me... My parents were thrilled," Agatha paused to take a seat behind her desk "From then onwards I was raised to be his wife, he would send letters with his interests, likes and dislikes and my parents would make sure I would know all of these things and submit to his lead. After the death of his benefactors slash parents, of which he received a hefty inheritance, he came back to Sierra Leone and married me, exactly like he promised he would,"

Kate slowly walked back into the room and took a seat opposite Agatha's desk "That seems like a fairytale,"

Agatha smirked "That's what all the society women would say when we came back husband and wife, Lord and Lady Danbury," Agatha sighed and continued "You see back in the eighties people were not that particular about age gaps. I was a 19-year-old girl married to a 42-year-old man. To society I was just indicative of how men crave young flesh and young women are opportunists. They didn't see the possible terrible dynamic I was in... See I was dependent on my husband, Sierra Leone was not exactly the most stable political environment and despite my decrepit husband, and I hope you don't mind my candour here, constant copulating his young wife, I liked England. I liked the freedom that I had and what hindered me because of my race, my new wealth and my title would sort out no problem. I did my duty, I gave him 4 children, 2 sons and 2 daughters, who wished for nothing and lived their lives well-off,"

"So it was a mutually beneficial relationship? Not quite unheard of, especially in my culture, although not as romantic as one might think. I guess your loyalty to your married life is why you keep the name Danbury Law," Kate said.

"Oh no. I may hate my family for pawning off on an old man but I despised the late Lord Danbury," Agatha held her hand up to stop Kate from interrupting her and continued "I loathed the late Lord Danbury, so I use my wealth and influence to fund all things he would have hated when he was alive. My husband was one of those Black people who enjoyed being the only one in the room and hated the idea of educating women and desegregating the classes as well as spent his time fighting AGAINST well-rounded immigration policies particularly people from former colonies which was incredibly awful considering Sierra Leone was one itself,"

Kate took a calming breath while Agatha looked off into the distance "I still don't understand why you would then want anything to do with him,"

"It's not enough to fund movements and bills that would help dismantle everything my husband held dear, no, I have to do it using his name so he will always be associated with it. Most people, like yourself, live their life to honour their families, and make them proud and in a lot of ways I am doing the same. I do what I am doing because it's important to me that wherever Herman is he rots and whatever kind of legacy he thought he was building gets overshadowed by the work I am doing. I want to make sure that future generations including my children, will think of me when they think of Danbury and all the work I have done to dismantle this terrible inequitable society,"

"I think that's an honourable vision," Kate said, feeling emotional and proud at the same time. Lady Agatha Danbury was a badass, it is just a shame that she had to go through so much to be that way.

----

Past:

Anthony was on cloud nine. Kate and Anthony had been together for 5 months and they would be making their first public appearance as a couple, at a benefit being held by Bridgerton Investment Group, and he couldn't be more happy. He looked at himself one more time in the mirror and then checked his watch for the time. He and Kate would be late if he did not check on her soon. She was not good with time but that is why he usually got her going early to get ready because he had timed her preparation times and averaged them out to understand how long she generally needed to get ready.

It was super analytical but he also knew that Kate appreciated being a bit more on time to things so he felt secure in his efforts.

As Anthony made his way to his bathroom, Kate came over to get ready as he was nervous she would back out and she was nervous that they would not look good together.

Anthony was not nervous about this event, he had been to millions of events like these but he knew Kate was feeling nervous because she had never really interacted with wealthy people unless they were on the opposite side of the courtroom. Kate was close friends with Simon but Simon had a way of keeping things close to the chest so there was no way of knowing if she knew the full extent of these events.

He knocked on the door to his master bathroom and entered. Kate was busy with her makeup but Anthony could not focus, she looked incredible. She was wearing a light pink dress that hugged her curves as well showing off her cleavage.

"Uhmmm babe you're staring," Kate said, he had not even noticed she was looking at him through the mirror and slightly blushed.

Anthony walked up behind her and kissed her neck "I was just thinking about how stunning you look," Anthony said nipping at her neck. He took a whiff of her neck and she stopped, he could see the goosebumps travel up her neck and he felt full of himself for a moment.

"If you continue like that we are going to be late," she said trying to sound stern but it came out breathless Anthony chuckled but backed out of the room.

--

The benefit was a success at least Anthony thought it was. He was currently having a drink with his friends, no cigars because Kate hated the smell, and his friends were ribbing him about the fact.

When he and Kate first arrived there seemed to be hesitation in their reception but as they went around the room and said their hellos, many people seemed to relax and commented on how well they complemented each other so he relaxed and eventually he felt confident enough to leave Kate to her mingling and went to catch up with some old friends of his.

Simon finally put out his cigar and Anthony took a breath, even though he was not smoking himself, he knew the smoke in the room could linger on him "So Bridgerton, you and Sharma doing good?" Simon asked.

"Yeah Bridgerton, you seem to be taken completely out of commission these days," Marcus Fife commented.

"What can I say, gents? I'm happy," Anthony stated trying not to blush and shrug.

"Well, then it makes sense curry is the national dish, then? I might get me one of those," Conrad Pemberton remarked.

"Excuse me?" Anthony said as his blood turned to ice.

"Pemberton, Chicken Tikka Masala is the national dish you idiot," Fife exclaimed.

"Okay, so how do I get me one of those Tikka Masala's Bridgerton?" Pemberton said with a chuckle.

Pemberton stopped talking the minute Anthony got in his face, he was angry beyond belief and was shocked at how much his old friends could be so cavalier with their racism "Pemberton speak about my girlfriend or any Indian like that again and I will pummel you just like in sixth form,"

Fife came between the two men and said "Relax Bridge, I know you are going through your Prince Harry phase but eventually, you got to do your duty like the rest of us heirs and marry yourself a Kate Middleton," 

Simon who had left the room to go to the bathroom was back and asked "You all know Kate Middleton is already married, right?"

Anthony was trying and failing at calming himself down and Anthony thought Simon could see his distress but did not comment on it "I was just telling Bridgerton that eventually he's gotta settle down, right?" Pemberton said with a bit of smugness that Anthony did not like and he narrowed his eyes.

Simon looked between Anthony to Pemberton and asked "Is that not what you are doing with Kate? Settling down?"

Anthony knew Simon cared deeply for Kate so he was probably asking more for himself than Pemberton "Of course I am. I would not bring her as my date if I was not serious about her,"

Simon nodded his head "Oh come off it Bridge, this has to be a piss-take. You are a man of a particular taste," Fife said

Anthony was now full-blown seething but asked "What the hell does that even mean?"

"I don't know but we definitely haven't seen you eat an Indian meal before mate so colour us curious," Fife said with his hands up.

"Anthony goes for the women he finds attractive, he does not date based on race," Simon said trying to de-escalate the situation "Maybe, we should change topics?" he suggested.

"Okay fine, but mate let me know if Kate has any friends or a sister, I would love to have a taste of the national dish," Pemberton said chuckling.

Anthony was not sure what happened next but Anthony had to be hoisted off of Pemberton by Simon. Pemberton's face and Anthony's knuckles were bloody and Fife was laughing in the corner.

Simon dragged Anthony into a separate room and left him to cool off, at least that is what he thought until he returned with Kate and his mother.

"Anthony darling, are you alright?" Violet asked "We heard there was a tussle that occurred,"

While his mother stayed close to the door and looked at him curiously Kate came closer to him to inspect him, touching his face and Anthony felt better but also sick with guilt at the same time.

"Well I'm not sure if it was a tussle or more like a one-sided beatdown," Simon remarked.

"Well you don't look injured, so who did you hit?" Kate asked but Anthony did not reply, he could not reply. He just is not sure how he would explain to Kate how his ex-friends spoke about her and women of her race. He was disgusted with himself so he remained silent.

Simon who thought this was a conversation that should not be in public suggested "Maybe we should leave the benefit,"

"We can't leave they have not even gotten around to announcing how much money was raised tonight," Violet said seeming concerned.

"Violet, by now everyone knows what happened so I don't think there will be more or less gossip if Anthony just leaves a bit earlier," Simon said smoothly.

"Anthony, what happened?" Kate asked so gently that Anthony's heart broke all over again.

"It was just some old form mates saying some dumb stuff, Anthony's had a few drinks so he just lost his temper," Simon said trying to help Anthony so he did not have to have this conversation in a room at a public benefit that was still ongoing.

"Well, what did he say, Anthony? What could he have possibly said to excuse your deplorable behaviour?" Violet asked and Anthony stiffened, he knew that tone coming from his mother, it was dripping with disapproval.

"There were some things I did not agree with so I got mad," Anthony said softly.

"Anthony most of the gentlemen here have been your chums for decades, what could they have possibly said that angered you so?" Violet asked.

Anthony stayed silent but then Kate asked "They said something about me didn't they?"

Anthony's head turned to her and she was looking in his eyes not with judgement but with like resolved and sad eyes. Anthony swallowed and nodded his head.

"Well, Anthony boys will be boys. I've heard you and your brothers say some appalling things about women but I do not resort to roughness to correct you," Violet said.

"Well maybe you should have," Kate said in a soft voice but she knew that his mother probably heard her. She remained looking at her hands.

"It wasn't just some misogynistic comments Mother, of which I have aged out of making," Anthony said the last part looking at Kate and imploring her to look up at him but she never did so he continued "There was also a racial aspect to their comments,"

Anthony could feel Kate stiffen beside him and he held his breath. There was silence in the room but just when it felt like Anthony would scream just so someone would say something Kate stood up and said "Good then. It's sorted,"

"I'm sorry. What do you mean it's sorted? Anthony has to apologise to the guests and to the gentleman he hurt," Violet said looking at Kate confused.

"Look Violet, Anthony can make the rounds on his way to apologise for causing a commotion but he does not owe a racist misogynist any apology," Kate said.

"Kate, I know you don't know how these things work but in our society, it's very important that a level of politeness and manners are maintained," Violet said.

"So he gets to make racist comments about his friend's girlfriend but when said friend stands up for his girlfriend, the friend is the one deemed the ill-mannered and rude one?" Kate asked using her solicitor's voice, normally Anthony would be turned on by it but now he felt his mother might not be able to stand against Kate and he was nervous "Violet we are all in the same society just because you choose to interact with only certain members of it does not mean that we are not meant to be held to the same standard. Just like with Mayfair Girls,"

Violet scoffed "This isn't a high school. This is real life and this is just how things are done,"

"Maybe that's the problem," Kate remarked.

"That's enough," Anthony finally said and stood up "Simon, I know you hate these types of things but if you could please find my secretary Freddy and get the numbers for the benefit and give them to Benedict so he can announce them," Simon nodded and left the room "Mother don't worry I will send an apology to Conrad Pemberton and make sure that I will cover any medical and dry cleaning expenses," His mother looked satisfied "Kate, I think we should make a quiet exit out of the back the entrance," He went to grab her hand but she looked at him funny and walked to the door.

Anthony sighed and followed her but before he made it to the open door, his mother spoke "Anthony, I will make sure Freddy gets your jackets and gets the car to come around for you," Anthony nodded his head at his mother and went to follow Kate.

The car ride back to his home was silent but if Anthony was honest, it was a silence he needed. He was busy writing emails and texts. As much as it pained him he had written apologies to Pemberton as well as the board and planners of the benefit for any disruptions and made promises to make it up to them and behave better in the future. It was generic and so insincere but he knew it had to be done.

When they finally got back to his place, Kate got out of the car before Robert could come around to open it and Anthony jumped out to follow her in. Kate's long legs carried her into his place and when he entered a while after her she was already out of her dress and packing her things.

Anthony asked, "Babe, what are you doing?"

"Don't babe me Anthony. Not after tonight," Kate said and she continued to aggressively pack things into her bag.

"I understand why you are mad," Anthony said, he knew the idea of being associated with someone like Fife and Pemberton might decrease her level of respect for him but he hoped she had known him better by now.

"I don't think you do, but humour me. Tell me why you think I am mad at you," Kate said turning to him and folding her arms.

Anthony sighed "Look what Fife and Pemberton were saying tonight is not actually what I think or a reflection of who I am. I barely see those guys I wouldn't even call them friends,"

Kate scoffed "Anthony, let's just say I was able to get over you ordering me about. What about me makes you think I would be okay with you apologising to a racist?"

Anthony sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a headache was forming "Kate, you don't understand,"

"Actually, I think I understand better than you. It wasn't racist comments made about you or your family so it's fine then?"

"I didn't say it was fine but I should not have lost my temper," Anthony exclaimed. Why did she not understand?

"You lost your temper because you care for me and I hoped that you cared about shutting down racists!"

"I do care!"

"Then why did you spend so much effort and time sending apologies to those racists after the fact?"

"It's important to maintain a level of politeness with important people in society," Anthony said a bit more level-headed.

"More important than defending me and people that look like me?" Kate asked and Anthony noted the tears in her eyes. He tried to approach her but she took a step back "Standing up to your enemies is easy but it takes greater courage to stand up to your friends. Before you sent off your little apologetic emails, everyone at the benefit would have known where you stood on racism, where you stood on us,"

Anthony felt like things were spiralling and he was struggling to keep up, Kate looked hurt and it hurt him "Kate I am against racism. I did stand up for us,"

"For 30 minutes, then you were apologising as if a person being a racist is a minor inconvenience and not something morally wrong,"

Anthony was panicking now, Kate sounded so sad then "It's not like hitting him was going to change the world,"

"But it would have changed my world, Anthony. I'm not a fool I see how people look at us sometimes but at least I thought I was in this with someone who had my back, that we were a team... And now, I just need time to think about what we are as a couple,"

Anthony could barely breathe but as Kate continued packing Anthony went to stop her hands "Kate, please stop. Just wait a minute here. I'm still the same guy, the man who loves you. What can I do to make this right?" The question he asked came out with a broken voice that even he could hear.

"It's alright Anthony, I think I just need time to resolve the kind of guy you are with the one I had in my head," She was full-blown crying now and Anthony sniffed his tears away.

"Okay okay. I will give you some space just... Please know that I do love you, and that... I'm sorry," Anthony said in a small voice.

Kate had her back turned to him and all he could see was her nodding her head as she continued to pack.

Kate called her mother, Mary, to tell her she would be coming home, so she called an Uber. Anthony tried to change her mind but then she told him her mother wanted to track her trip considering the time of night. They sat in silence for 5 minutes waiting for the Uber and Anthony could not stop taking glances at Kate. Her tears eventually dried and she looked resolute and then she was gone out of his home.

The minute Anthony turned around after seeing Kate to her Uber, he looked at his empty apartment and felt hollow. Anthony was used to apologising to keep the peace whether that was at work, with his mother, his siblings or with women. This was the first time keeping the peace seemed foolish. 

--

"Edwina would you give me back my shoe, I'm gonna be late to meet Anthony," Kate shouted at her sister's door while knocking on it.

Even though it was muffled Kate heard her sister yell on the other side of the door "No! Anthony is a dickhead! I don't want you to go to lunch with him and forgive him!"

"Edwina language!" Mary shouted from the living room.

"It's true mama! He let his friends say horrible things about Kate and all Indian women,"

"Edwina you need to stop eavesdropping on the conversations Kate and I are having," Mary said walking into the hallway until she stood side-by-side with Kate.

"Bon, he didn't let anyone say anything he beat him up remember?" Kate said, feeling the need to defend Anthony. It was important to keep her emotions focused on the things he did and not contort the past with negative emotions.

"Yeah, but he apologised to that racist ars- egghead. Relationships should not be so hard," Edwina said.

Kate sighed, she did not want to disillusion her sister "Bon, life is not like those romance books you read, they are hard and require understanding from both sides,"

Mary sighed "Your sister is right, my love. If I steered clear of hard relationships I would not have married your father and had 19 years of wedded bliss,"

Edwina unlocked her door and opened it slightly "I guess you're right," she handed Kate her shoe but before Kate could thank her the doorbell rang.

Edwina immediately sprinted to the front of the house, Kate tried to run after her but one of her shoes was not put on right so she had to stop.

By the time Kate and Mary got to the front door, Anthony was bouncing while holding his foot, like he was in pain. "Edwina, what did you do?" Kate asked.

"Why do you assume I did anything? Did I hurt you, Anthony?" Edwina asked with a fake sweet voice.

"No, and even if she did it's not like I didn't deserve it," Anthony said standing properly.

"As long as we are on the same page," Edwina said as she walked back to her room.

Mary sighed and followed her "I'm sorry Anthony. I'll talk to her," she said before she left.

Kate turned to Anthony and for the first time noticed the flowers in his hands "Are those for me?"

Anthony jumped and handed her the flowers "Yes, although I feel I should have brought some for your sister and your mother," he looked self-conscious for a moment.

Kate took the flowers and sniffed them before making to leave "It's good that you didn't. Edwina is allergic. I usually keep flowers in my room. At first, it was cause it reminded me of India but then it was to keep Edwina out of my room and now it just makes me feel better to see and smell them,"

"You never told me that," he said as they made their way down the stairs.

"It's not a big deal," Kate said as she shrugged. She was feeling nervous as this was the first time she had been alone with Anthony since their fight.

Kate had been a bit withdrawn when she got back from the benefit, Mary knew not to ask questions when she got back and just helped her change and go to sleep. It wasn't until she had gotten angry at Edwina unnecessarily that Mary sat her down to talk. She cried as Mary held her and they spoke about that night and about racism. Mary knew better than anyone what people thought about mixed-race couples as she was the offspring of one but Mary said she felt like Anthony was special. Mary told Kate it was more important that his first instinct was to defend Kate. It might seem like he went back on it later but societal pressure is immense and it can even make it so that the best of people make bad decisions. Mary made Kate giggle when she said Kate came out of the womb with a backbone of steel but others are not as lucky and that it is always important to lead with understanding and grace especially when the other person is trying.

6 days later Kate was still working on it but she finally texted Anthony back. 

As they made their way to the pathway, Kate turned to walk down the street but Anthony looked like he wanted to get to his car. "Oh, I thought we could get a quick coffee at this cafe nearby. It's usually quiet around this time, so I thought we could talk," Kate said.

Anthony looked hesitant "Oh sure,"

"Unless you already had a place in mind," Kate said nervously.

"No, we can go to the cafe. I want you to be comfortable," Anthony said.

Kate nodded and she led him to the cafe. 

Kate was right the place was quiet, mostly because the owners: The Gunningworths were not the most friendly people. Richard Gunningworth was a renowned lawyer who had 3 daughters. The only biological daughter he had was Sophie, a friend of Kate's. When Kate spoke to Sophie about finding neutral ground for her and Anthony to talk Sophie suggested they meet when Sophie was working her shift.

Kate and Anthony spoke. It was stilted at first but when Anthony blurted out that he did not want to break up, Kate was taken aback.

"Anthony I'm not going to break up with you," Anthony nodded and Kate could see his body visibly relax and she felt guilty. Communication with her partners was not something she was great at but she hoped she would be better because she loved Anthony more than any other man she had been with. Kate took his hands and said "I just wanted to discuss why I was so hurt that night," Anthony nodded and she continued "I've spent the last 10 years of my life fighting for a better society for people like me and other minorities. It's not an easy job and even though I know I'm morally and ethically in the right people still treat me like I'm a pariah. Like I'm the bad guy for trying to make the world fair... Even you did at first," Kate put her hand up to stop him before he spoke "I'm not trying to take a shot at you, I'm just trying to be honest. Being right is a lonely place and I have often hidden behind the fact that despite being alone I was right but it doesn't keep you warm at night,"

"You have me. You are not alone. I can keep you warm," Anthony said softly.

Kate smiled even though she was a bit emotional "I want to know that. I want to believe it with every bone in my body but I'm just not sure. You have a set of rules you live your life by and I don't think it's always going to align with the way I live mine but I'm willing to compromise some,"

Anthony's eyes widened "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Just that even though you did apologise to your friends-"

"They are not my friends," Anthony interjected almost growling "Sorry,"

Kate sighed and continued "Even though you did apologise to those guys after defending me, I have to give you grace because your first instinct was to defend me. I just hope it was not just because I was your girlfriend but because what they said was just wrong,"

Anthony sighed and looked down "Kate... I don't- I don't know. I wish I could say it was but I'm not sure... I'm sorry,"

"It's okay. There is no way of knowing anyway. I love you and as long as your first instincts are to protect me then I can't be that mad, can I?"

"I don't want you to feel like you are giving up being a good person to be with me. Not when your strength of character is one of the main reasons I love you in the first place," Anthony said squeezing her hands.

"I know. I'm not. I am just going to adjust to the way things are done in your world," Kate said squeezing his hands back and Anthony nodded.

Anthony smiled "How did you get so well adjusted?"

"My parents and a good therapist. I can recommend one if you like not the one I see but someone who would be next on the list if I ever break up with my current one. Therapy does wonders," Kate suggested.

"I think I'm going to take you up on that offer. I think it will be good for us," Anthony said.

"It will be good for you, and that's what is important," Kate said smiling.

It wasn't this big declaration of extreme devotion and love that most people would expect from romantic comedies but Kate loved Anthony and she was happy to adjust certain aspects of her thoughts and reactions especially because Anthony was always changing for and because of her. In relationships, it was important to meet halfway and Kate was happily back with Anthony so what was the big deal? He was going to go to therapy and work on himself and in the meantime, Kate would give him grace.

---

For the last month and a half, things between Kate and Anthony returned to relative normalcy. Kate had noticed she was still not invited to brunch with Anthony's family but she tried not to take too much offence considering Anthony wanted her there but his mother was in charge of organising it every month. That being said every time she would bump into one of his siblings and they asked her why he did not attend or what she missed out on, she wondered if her and Anthony's relationship was seen as a serious thing to his mother, yet.

Before Kate could bring it up though, Anthony invited her to an event held by his grandmother, his mother's mother, Dowager Lady Ledger. This was a big deal because every one of the Bridgertons and Ledgers was going to be there and Kate would finally meet all of Anthony's family.

It was only fair, right? Anthony had met all of Kate's family. All 2 of them. Kat often thought about what her father would think of Anthony, would he see him as a random rich guy or would he see the caring guy underneath? Kate tried not to get too deep in her What Ifs because they just made her sad.

Kate smoothed down her dress. It was an afternoon event but Kate was still nervous. Luckily Daphne was available for shopping since she had to take a reluctant Eloise, so she tagged along and got herself a very nice dress. A very expensive dress but Daphne said that Anthony was fitting the bill, which did not sit well with her Kate knew there was no way she could borrow a dress like she did at the last big event especially when it was so important she made a good impression. 

So Kate settled on a colour-blocking Versace almost-mini dress. She looked great but also daring. The colours suited her skin tone and showed off her best asset: her legs.

Kate knew Anthony was nervous about this event. She hoped they could avoid drama but she knew that could not control everything. Even when Kate left home, Mary looked on edge.

Kate smoothed her dress while she sat at the back of the car, driven by Robert.

Anthony grabbed her hand and said "The dress looks stunning. You look stunning. Don't worry,"

"Sorry. It's just that today is an important day," Kate said looking at him.

"It's just a party like any other babe," he said.

Kate tried to calm down but before she could reply, Robert informed them that they had arrived.

Getting into the event was relatively more smooth and casual than the benefit and Kate quickly found a group of women to talk to. Some of them were rich and/or titled but the two that Kate bonded with were a doctor and a florist. Jennifer and Rebecca were married and partnered respectively with Fife and another guy named Michael Stirling. Rebecca was by far the youngest and she looked incredibly uncomfortable whereas Jennifer who despite having a similar background to Kate fit in because she was well-respected as a doctor.

Kate spent a lot of time talking with the two women and when Jennifer went off to use the loo, Jennifer leaned in and said "She's not gonna last,"

Kate who was sipping her drink at the time almost choked and asked "Why do you say that? I mean I know they are young but they look cute,"

"They are always cute but Michael does not stay with them for long," Jennifer said.

"Oh that's a shame," Kate said.

"Not really, she does not exactly know what she is getting herself into with these kinds of people," Jennifer said and Kate hummed her agreement. There was a lot of money and prestige flying around the room and even though Kate was not a part of it she had years of experience holding her own around people like this "You look like you got the memo though,"

Kate looked at Jennifer surprised and chuckled "I mean I guess. I don't have to do much,"

"Yeah, but that's good. At the benefit, you were wind up tight and Anthony was the same. Hence all the unpleasantness," Jennifer said casually.

Kate was confused by the remark. She was not sure what she knew "As long as people keep their racism to themselves I'm sure we will all be fine,"

"I mean to be fair my husband and Conrad were complimenting you,"

Kate's blood ran cold "Excuse me?"

"Look I've been there myself when I first married my husband but I realised that you have got to let them be themselves and do what they want so your relationship can be strong,"

Kate stood up and made her face stoic "Just because you are okay with being disrespected by your husband and his mates does not mean that is something I am okay with,"

"You say that as if they are not Anthony's mates as well. My husband, Conrad and Anthony go back years. It only makes sense that they would make up over a little disagreement," Jennifer said smiling and Kate could finally see how arrogant it looked, it leaned more into a sneer.

"Anthony being forced to make civilities with them does not mean he condones their behaviour," Kate said straightening her back to defend her boyfriend.

"My dear, I guess Rebecca is not the only one who is unaware. Anthony did not seem to have issues with My husband or Conrad at last week's polo match or a month ago at the Smythe-Smith musicale," Jennifer took out her phone and showed Kate pictures of the group of men smiling and laughing and Kate's stomach churned.

Kate walked away briskly until she made it to the loo and threw up the contents of her stomach, which unfortunately because food had not been served yet, was not much.

Kate cleaned herself up and looked at herself in the mirror. Anthony had lied to her? Well he had not lied, he merely omitted what he had done. What did it matter anyways Kate, knew Anthony had to make amends with those arses, she just did not know Anthony was having such a good time doing so. She felt like she had been sucker punched. She felt foolish and mostly sad, Anthony had to keep a part of his life from her maybe because he was ashamed but maybe because he did not want to be judged by her. She tried to find the grace she promised to give to him and was resolute to bring it up to him at a later date. Today was about impressing the Bridgertons and the Ledgers so she focused on that.

Kate spent the rest of the night schmoozing and putting on her best personality traits. Eventually, the woman of the hour showed up: Dowager Lady Ledger. Kate could not help but note how she looked old but not frail, stern and a little unfriendly. Kate wondered if it was wrong of her to notice the fact that her smile mirrored a lot of the women in the room: insincere.

Anthony introduced Kate to his grandmother and she remarked "Wow, you are beautiful,"

Kate smiled "Thank you. Of course, the only beauty people have their eyes on today is you,"

"Well thank you for flattering an old lady like myself, dear," she said.

"Is it flattery when it's the truth?" Anthony said and all the women laughed.

Lady Ledger took her hand and put it on his face "What a handsome charmer,"

"Thank you, grandmother," Anthony said "I love you,"

Lady Ledger smiled sweetly and was escorted around the rest of the room by Anthony's mother and brother, Colin.

Kate felt like she could take a breath "That went well didn't it?" Anthony said.

"Yeah, I'm glad she at least thinks I'm pretty," Kate said.

"Babe, you are the most beautiful woman ever. Now I would never say that to her because I fear her but you know that," Anthony said as he kissed the side of her head and Kate felt giddy.

All of a sudden the idea of what had happened with Jennifer earlier seemed like a dream and what she had with Anthony was the reality she needed to focus on.

--

Later as the party winded down and the little sun they had gotten dwindled to dark greys, Kate was happily dancing with Benedict when Anthony cut in.

"Are you having a good time?" Anthony asked as they swayed together to the music.

"Surprisingly, yes. Your siblings are hilarious and I like them," Kate said laying her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you," Anthony said.

"For what?" Kate asked.

"For accepting all of this. My family. Me. I know it's not exactly the best example of how to use wealth but it's important to me to maintain our family's name. I hope it's not too much,"

"Anthony, of course. I love you. The rest is just noise," Kate said.

Anthony kissed Kate softly. She could hear some camera's going off but she didn't care for once.

It was then that Violet tapped Anthony on the shoulder "Can the both of you come with me?" she asked and Kate felt dread.

[alexdelray1]

Spider-Noir x Reader.

Before reading, I will inform you that there was such a German as Jan Sehn. I know the name may be a bit misleading, but in this one shot Reader is half Polish, half German. Who can speak Polish, English and German. It is now 1939. (Jan Sehn chased Nazi criminals, such information. )

PLAN - Polish People's Action for Independence.

My name is Reader Sehn. I was born in 1921. I have lived in Poland since I was born in the former German partition. I have always considered myself 50% Polish. My father was Polish and my mother was German. My surname immediately showed others that I was of German origin. Fortunately, I was homeschooled. My parents and I lived in a city where most of the population was German, but some people didn't admit it out of shame or something.

A few months ago in September, the Germans attacked us. Exactly September 1 at 04:45. The troops passed by our house and shot everyone. We hid in the basement and somehow survived. In the evening there was a knock on our door. My father was a great activist and a university professor, so we knew immediately that they were coming for him.

One of them started asking me questions. My mother and I were afraid and answered in German. And I was going to say that my father was also German so that they would leave him, but my father had a sense of timing and asked us what we were saying. That night they took him away and a few days later they shot him with other people. A month later they came for us. They thought my mother was unclean and had broken the law, so they took her and called me an unclean bastard and left me. They killed her too. I hope they didn't rape her. Death is better than rape. What if this happened to her? God only knows.

-Doll! Pass me the beer and the bill.- said one of the Nazi soldiers in German.

-Of course.- I replied, smiling. Lousy shit will tell me what to do. I work in a pub in Polish lands that have now been taken over by the Germans. I also work as an escort. Don't worry it's not normal escort job. Once a night I flirt with a Nazi and I invite him alone in the forest. It always ends with me covered in blood and someone lying lifeless on the grass. I'm not proud of killing, but I'm proud of killing Nazis. Such a life choice.

-Your beer.- I said with a fake smile and put the beer on the table.

-Adele, you are always so good to us and your body is even better. Do you know what happened to Berdno? - he asked me and slapped my butt.

-Berdn? Unfortunately I didn't see him. I think he found a prostitute for today. - I said, pouring glasses.

-It's a pity because he was so clingy to you and often asked if you would give him a blowjob.- he laughed. Dirty disgusting pig. I left his table and went to another one. There was a guy sitting at the table. He was as far away from others as possible.

-How can I serve you?- I asked in German with a smile.

-PLAN operation.- said the man in Polish. I glanced at my boss across the room and he bowed his head.

-Please follow me.- I said and started walking with the man to the 'storage room'.

We went down the stairs to the basement. Some other guys were there. Some were Jews or Poles and others were both. They were sitting next to a map of Warsaw.

-I brought a new member.- I said and the men looked at us.

-I'm Peter Parker.- He introduced himself.

-What is an American or an Englishman doing here? We thought you had left us to our fate.- one of the boys said sarcastically.

-I have the strength to fight for something, but at least I will fight for something good. What are you going to do with those upstairs above us by the way?- Peter asked.

-Reader deals with these things, we are more interested in political matters and fighting.- said the second boy and pointed at me for a second.

-Reader? So you're not Adele. Clever.- Peter commented.

-What do you want from us?- I asked.

-I'm going to take part in your actions.- he said.

-Do you know German and Polish well? And you don't hesitate to kill a Nazi? - One of the men asked, approaching Peter.

-Yes and yes. You have to pay for blood by blood. - Peter said, straightening up.

-Reader. Show him what he has to do to become one of us. - Jan ordered and I took Peter to the shooting range, which was also in the basement.

-You have to show if you're worth it. You have one shot. Those people upstairs aren't so drunk that they wouldn't hear it. - I said and handed him the gun.

-It's getting done.- he said. He took a deep breath and shot the dummy right in the middle.

-You're good at this.- I commented and he sighed.

-What would happen to me if I missed? - he asked and I crossed my arms.

-Nothing. You would just lie two meters underground.-

[studysprine]

1/100 days of productivity & doing better | 07.22.2022

photo is mine

today's goals: take adhd meds, make breakfast, journal, organize laundry, start laundry, finish laundry, plan what to cook, study german for an hour, make an advisor appointment, move my body, look into credit cards, be outside, finish looking into the local library's resources online, look into job opportunities, look into internships, read, cook, call dad in the evening, brush teeth, wash face, and plan tomorrow's day

things I have accomplished today:

made oatmeal for breakfast & right now (4:00pm) I'm drinking tea and eating sunflower kernels. afternoon, i ate some jellybeans bc i felt like i had low blood sugar. didn’t have the focus to cook or plan cooking but thankfully a friend brought us some extra food the other day so i microwaved some eggs, grits, and ate it with some of the diced cheese, fruit, and a biscuit (all brought from the friend) + blackberry jam w/tea for dinner!

called my dad in the afternoon

tried tidying up my laptop organization (gave up)

journaled for about thirty minutes about the upcoming semester, potential routines for me to start practicing, the poem I'm Tired by Langston Hughes and the reasons I love it so much, and a personal commentary on how I love accessible poetry and creating prose.

i have organized my unclean laundry into it's different categories to start with laundry (dark colored or thick material clothes, very thick material clothes, whites/creams, towels/rags, blankets, socks, idk pile, and light material/color) and began two loads ! the thick material clothes and very thick material clothes r all washed and i’m finishing the v thick material load in the dryer now. ill have to put the rest away tomorrow bc i’m too tired n sleepy

looked at stuff for my major

began drawing a red crossbill and practiced anatomy

buddy read some of Aristotle’s & Dante’s secrets to the universe one of my roommates !!! that was pleasant

brushed teeth for 45 seconds before sleep, soso proud of myself

what am i doing right now as i type this? (4:38pm) sitting outside on my townhouse porch smoking with my lovely roommate, M. It is a nice day out, the sky is blue, it's decently warm, and there's some Columbus clouds at the edges of the sky. i just saw a pretty bird, which i'm currently trying to identify. (it was a red crossbill!)/ (11:38pm) sitting upstairs on the floor in our lil living room, patiently waiting for the clothes to finish drying. i really like the sound of crickets at night. i like the warm summer. i was/am drawing, trying to practice anatomy because i rlly suck at anything other than realistic faces. the house and the townhouse neighborhood is quiet right now. everything is quiet (except for the crickets and the drying machine, i like the cricket noise, not the drying machine). i have to move everything downstairs to my roooooooom and i dread it but at least then i can change and fall asleep. i’m happy how today went / 12:22 night, i’m in sleep clothes, laundry basket downstairs, fresh teeth, sleepy, will try to close some tabs for future me, then sleep

gratitude timeee: i am SO relieved that I still have my financial support, even if it has been minimized. at least, it'll actually force me to focus to find a job that will help build my resume levels. thankful for the blue sky I saw today and the pleasant temperature, and thankful to have friends who are so kind to me. very thankful for A, the one who brought the food, because cooking can be hard for me and i struggle remembering to eat as it is!! clean clothes finally!! yayayay

last updated: 12:21 at night

[grandhotelabyss]

You know what, though, about that last post on Sontag and Paglia: since writing it, I've had what they call a download.

There's an expression: "be careful what you get good at." When I was a kid, back in the monoculture, we all went to see the now-forgotten Oscar-bait Richard Dreyfuss vehicle, Mr. Holland's Opus, about an ambitious composer who takes a high-school teaching job, never writes his masterpiece, and discovers in age that his life-long pedagogy and its inspiring effect on his students has been his real chef-d'œuvre. In middle school, my friend Dan and I, who had begun to collaborate on our own comic books, were horrified by this movie. We were ambitious artists! Is this what adulthood would do to us?

The movie's tagline, borrowed from John Lennon, evocative of its resigned melancholy to the missed opportunities and failed utopias of the 1960s, is, "Life is what happens to you / While you're busy making other plans." But my life's not that different now. Sam Worthington and I were plotting outside the local riverfront arthouse theater last night—there was a Lynch revival; I was there to see Mulholland Dr. for the first time in a theater since, well, the first time, just a month after 9/11, though the film's elegy for America wasn't as evident then as it is now—to start a new art movement and save the culture, wildfire smoke from Canada smothering the city (unreal city) on the other side of the Mississippi.

(All of the above is why I placed a little allusion to the film—Mr. Holland's Opus, alas, not Mulholland Dr.—in my novel-in-progress Major Arcana, by the way. Please don't run out and see this weepy old movie on my account—I myself haven't seen it in over 25 years—but if you've already watched it, you might revisit MA, Part One, Chapter 8.)

Now teaching has been fine for me, actually. I can see why other artists and writers find that it misleads them, takes them away from their real work, but it doesn't affect me that way, first, because it keeps me close to the arts of reading and interpretation as practical and performed arts, and second, because it introduces me to some 50 to 100 new people a year. Both of these, I believe, can only improve me as a writer, and my fictional characters' bitter remarks about their own students, especially when these characters are frustrated artists like Simon Magnus or Alice Nicchio-Strand, should never be mistaken for my views.

Criticism, though, is my "be careful what you get good at." A comparative book-length belletristic essay on Sontag and Paglia—it's a good idea, let's face it, one of those good ideas whose obviousness makes it better than something more flashily counterintuitive would be. Why on earth hasn't this been written yet? And look, I'll write it if somebody pays me; I'm not proud. But Anna K needs to write a book before she dies, as I believe Dasha was just telling her, so let her write it. Because I don't really want to do it. I was on a podcast recently—it hasn't come out yet; I'll let you know; not Red Scare—and the host asked me if I wanted to write a nonfiction book, and I said, truthfully, no, not really.

Sontag herself offers a cautionary tale here: the supreme critic as frustrated artist, berating everyone at the end of her days that they shouldn't bother with her essays, that her novels are all that really matter. I myself have never read even one of her novels. (Mea culpa, maestra—I will read at least The Volcano Lover this very summer.) And I understand this because I myself on bad days want to make people sign an affidavit that they've read each of my novels twice before they're allowed to read my criticism! And my criticism, such as it is, I want to say, is just a series of poems, not judgments as such, not pronouncements but moods, occasions for certain styles of thought. "You took my sadness out of context," I want to say when people treat my negative verdicts too seriously, as if I wanted to outlaw this or that way of writing. This is insane on my part, I know, and don't worry, I'm much nicer in real life than Sontag was.

Paglia, on the other hand, holds an ideal of scholarship qua scholarship that neither Sontag or I quite did or do. Paglia's father was a professor, remember, while Sontag and I hail from the true suburban lower middle class, "Lower Slobbovia" as she called it, quoting a comic strip: the kingdom of bêtise. We, Susan and I, are more lowbrow by origin than Camille, which is why we're so much more uneasy than she is with popular culture, but also equally uneasy in academe. Sontag wasn't, as Sigrid Nunez once clarified, a snob—how could she have been?—only an elitist, which, in art, is fair.

(I dedicate that observation to anyone who wants to say I shouldn't write about two lesbians; there are infinite microscopic ridges and hollows to every smooth-seeming facet of "identity," whatever that even is, and as much as I might miss something about their gender or sexuality—and then again, you know, I might not; I was raised in a lesbian-run beauty shop—a lesbian writer to the manner born is equally liable to miss something about their class, ethnicity, or religion. Nobody can say everything, but everybody has some part of everything to say.)

Anyway, my download was this. I've been saying to myself that 2023 is the year I relax my critical clench, unlearn my Arnoldianism, so to speak, as Sontag never quite unlearned hers; and I've been saying to myself, too, that when Major Arcana is finished—which it almost is for me if not for you; it's 50 chapters long, so you'll be reading it until next March—I would write a play. I've wanted to write a play in the abstract, on principle, as it were: I had no ideas for a play. Now I do.

(I should stop looking, ever, at Twitter, but today they're talking about what a bad play Hamlet is—not even a pseudo-political moral objection this time, though the prince is toxic, I'm sure, just about what a "mess" it is. My goal, then, is to write a play as bad as Hamlet.)

Anna K can write the prose treatise on Sontag and Paglia, but I'm writing their tragicomedy, under new names, of course: in the guise, in fact, of wholly new characters, characters in a dream, a dream of siege and sickness and spectacle, a Platonic dialogue on love in which these intellectuals' daemons—Walter Benjamin and Walter Pater, Simone Weil and Emily Dickinson—dance and duel. I call it Saturn Dreaming of Mars. I destine its completion for the end of the year. I plant my flag; I stake my claim; you heard it here first.

[meistoshi]

⏳ they want to know more, satoshi

lore time.

❛ — well, whenever you're given the green light on the comeback, let me know, or give the heads up to professor kukui & he'll sort it out. i know they'll be entering the final stretch soon but i'd like you to squeeze as much experience from the internship as possible. with the people, at least. overseeing this kind of project's not really typical champion work but ... the communication & paperwork involved are. ❜

it's all a bit exhausting, & satoshi's always been happy to leave majority to the professors & rotom, but, it's part of the job. satoshi had only been aware of the more active parts of it, & only because of encounters with other champions. but he hadn't really known what he was getting himself into.

a slightly wistful smile plays on satoshi's features. ❛ you really are so lucky ... ❜ in so many damn ways ... he almost wonders if houou hasn't gone to visit ree in recent years as well. he wouldn't be surprised.

❛ ... y'know how i'm also the orange archipelago's champion ?? ❜ do they know that ?? he's sure he's mentioned it. it's a pretty public thing, too, he's been informed his wiki makes note of it, but the victory was over a decade ago by now. so maybe they don't " y'know " . he continues anyway. ❛ technically that's just an honorary thing. haven't even been back there since i won the title ... ❜ yeah, not his proudest admission.

❛ only reason i went there in the first place was 'cause professor ookido wanted me to deliver something to another professor. found out about the league there when i arrived. i was fresh off losing in probably the most humiliating way ever in my first ever league, & i wasn't a hundred percent sure i could do much, but ... i wanted to fight.

❛ i was twelve ; thinking back on it, i probably just wanted to prove to myself that i still could, that i could do better than kanto. ❜ wanted to prove to his team that he could be a worthier trainer. wanted to prove to his friends that what faith they'd placed in him was not unfounded, that they hadn't wasted months of their life traveling at his side.

❛ i beat a champion who hadn't lost in ten years. ❜ satoshi grins as he says it, still proud of this feat, & equal amounts amused at the fate of repeating such a feat another decade later ( he wonders if leon knew about the deja - vu that satoshi was experiencing ... leon was a champion by the time yuji lost. might have. ) . ❛ of course, i had no idea what i'd won. i knew i got my name & photo in the hall of fame, knew my team got its prints set in clay under it. but i hadn't thought far ahead enough about what winning the title of champion would mean for me. i won a league i'd only learned of a few months ago in a region i'd never heard of before. i was totally in over my head. ❜

a soft shake of his head, & he looks away, resigned smile on his features as he brushes a hand through pikachu's fur on the table.

❛ i kinda ran away from it. champion yuji took pity on me & agreed to split the title, so, his position remained unchanged, while i got to keep my victory as a badge & keep traveling. honestly, i'd barely changed when i won alola's first league. i still hadn't thought that far ahead. i was still in over my head. ... still kind of am, though i hope i've been doing better. ❜

the smile fades fraction by fraction, & with it his voice is quieter too. ❛ i wonder how many kids have fought for a title they don't understand ... probably millions at this point ... ❜

at the back of his mind, he hears champion alder's voice, asking him & his friends what they will do upon reaching their present goals. he hears himself struggle for an answer along the rest. he hears shigeru asking him what's next after becoming world champion. he hears himself hours later thinking out loud in the canopy - shade, wondering, what now ?? what now ?? what next ...

always looking ahead, yet never thinking beyond it.

satoshi hopes for no other would - be champion to have the same issue. so he looks back to the screen with care, speaks to ree while also speaking to his twelve - year - old self.

❛ take every chance at experience you've got, yeah ?? ask a gazillion questions, be greedy with curiosity. be a kid, think about the future. think a lot. you'll thank yourself for it sooner than you might think. ❜

[hanamiyama-basketball-club]

anyway I guess I should use tumblr to put the lengthy talking to myself bits that nobody cares about instead of just making ten-tweet threads, huh (this may become a ten-tumblr-post thread though)

a thing I like to think about: my queer readings of yowamushi pedal characters. by which I mean something somewhere between headcanon and claims about intent; things that are the obvious to me way to fill in the rest of the story beyond what's on the page but which are still just the product of my own experience and perspective. I make no claims about authorial intent, and I doubt anything more concrete would ever come of it even if he did intend it. (maybe. I mean. if pedal ends with toumaki not at least cohabitating I will be kinda surprised tbqh)

so not just a list of who I think it would be cute if they were dating; more like "I can firmly imagine how this character would grapple with their sexuality(/gender in Yuuto's case) based tangentially on X from canon" which is a much smaller subset than "characters I think it would be cute if they kissed". ("grapple" bc I think everybody has to grapple with it somewhat, at least if it's not what they defaulted to expecting. it doesn't have to be tragic but it is A Process). none of this disclaimer is necessary but it's my tumblr and I feel better if I've stated my framework ahead of time.

anyway. after that stageplay (ETA: I started this post after watching The Day 1. I wish I was watching The Day 1 right now) I gotta start with The OGs, Toudou and Makishima.

toudou is always straightforward and honest with his feelings but also is very proud of his ability to Do Heterosexuality (or at least be desirable to women; there's never any indication of desire going the other way and I'm honestly not sure he's thought about it)

though he's toudou and if he set out to be desirable to men instead he'd probably also be great at that (but also he's very much the type who believes in true love and monogamy imo; he's too serious not to assume that he would fall in love once and forever)

anyway for that reason while I am generally sort of drawn to the classic BL "I'm not necessarily gay, I just love *him*" thing (definitely not going to argue that's an objectively *good* thing, but it feels like my own life experience) I really want toudou to be gay. like I don't think he can imagine being with anyone but makichan once that clicks for him, because that's the kind of person he is, but I want him to grapple with the realization that "I want women to be attracted to me" is not the same as "I am attracted to women" and that maybe his ability to see the whole thing as a job, essentially, should have been a sign to him.

I think he's come to some kind of realization about the nature of his feelings between makishima under the fireworks and him starting at tsukushiba and that's part of his change in tone. bc he is very very serious about this but also suddenly consideing the possibility of failure (which kinda seems like something he's never considered before at anything) and choosing to do it anyway. and I love him going "this is probably objectively stupid but I need something to work towards and I choose him."

the way he talks about the importance of sending something you touched with your own hands when you want your feelings to reach someone... and yeah, that could be just about feeling that he wants to ride together again, but that doesn't feel like an obvious reading does it?

and the way he talks to shuusaku about makichan (and the unsubtle way that toudou's feelings about makichan are always being juxtaposed with shuusaku's feelings about his judo senpai crush)! I absolutely cannot wait for shuusaku to meet makichan and, I mean, if they were ever going to move forward in this relationship shuusaku is always the key to toudou moving forwards, right? sensei always says that.

("why me? why do you always invite me?" "because you're makichan!")

makichan!

on the one hand, I think (with no evidence to be clear) makishima came to terms with his bisexuality very easily. sort of a "sure, that's the sort of thing that would happen to me." a little ruefully maybe, bc it's not like it makes his life any easier and he is a pessimistic guy, but he accepted it as true. (to be clear I am saying this as a bisexual albeit one that did not come to that conclusion anywhere near as directly lol) he also never planned to do anything about it because that sounds complicated and awkward and what if you hit on a guy who turned out to be straight. you'd have to crawl into a hole and die even if they were nice about it.

tbh I'm not sure how he planned to approach dating women either but he's a teen boy so there's probably some amount of at least subconscious like, girls aren't like real people and it's not like you're going to have to be emotionally vulnerable. maybe he didn't really expect that to work either; he does certainly seem to have internalized the idea of himself as a total creepazoid. I wouldn't be surprised if he expected to be single for life.

but then he's got this guy who just keeps showering him with affection and charging through his diversions and actively seeking to spend more time with him no matter how hard he makes it. (and, eventually, trying to meet makichan a little bit more where he is; though I don't know how clear that is from maki's perspective.)

and yeah, it's real easy to read this as stalker behavior. but I don't think that's ever been what's intended (by sensei, if not always by anime staff etc); toudou is not always great at reading cues to dial it back a little, but he's right that makishima feels the same way. and it would take something like toudou's level of stubbornness to break through makishima's reluctance to show emotion.

I can imagine makichan maybe being a little more open to his own queerness in London; not just bc he's more likely to see a rainbow flag in London than in Chiba but more bc he's had the chance to start almost from scratch (even if he does keep going back to Japan any time he is forced to care about people) and maybe it's a little less embarrassing. I mean I don't think he's any more likely to bring anyone home, certainly not while he's living with his brother (I think ren would be nice about it, but that doesn't make it less embarrassing), but maybe he'd like, at least not just stick it in the "not thinking about that" box with all his other feelings.

I don't think there's as much actually there to read his feelings as romantic as there is with toudou; you just kinda have to extrapolate from the fact that makichan does always feel the same way, even if he's reluctant to ever admit it. he won't make the first move, because he's given up on it as soon as he ever thought it, but as long as he responds to toudou's devotion eventually...

(and he did try so hard to give toudou the small talk he asked for. he goes out of his comfort zone for toudou, and that's no small thing for him)

sounds like next spare bike we'll have a few pages of makichan on the plane, but I expect he'll mostly be thinking about onoda. but even if he's going to the interhigh for onoda (EVEN IF HE NEVER PLANNED TO TALK TO HIM. FUCK OFF MAKICHAN), he's going on the exchange for toudou. :3 and I cannot wait to see how they end up in the same room please sensei you can't leave that loaded two person wide loft on the wall without firing it

I love them please I know they're gonna continue to talk past each other and