#so now I’m just kinda in this limbo today?

[rosicheeks]

😓

[ahalliance]

i need to do exposure therapy with purgatory i think the fandom experience at the time instilled the unpleasant dread and despair i still feel whenever i think about the event

[sistertotheknowitall]

Some Guy on Fear Gas (can apparently turn invisible)

Masterpost

“Danny was supposed to be in class today.”

There was a round of sighs in the coms. See Danny didn’t react in the same manner as the rest of the population when exposed to fear toxin (or in general, but they were mostly used to that). See Danny didn’t scream, he didn’t cry, he didn’t get violent. He got unnervingly paranoid.

He got so unnervingly paranoid about being watched, specifically by the government if the muttered and whispered words were to be believed. His eyes tracked nothing while he slowly moved around invisible people. It wasn't like dealing with someone in an active hallucination experiencing a psychotic break. It was like dealing with someone in a paranoid delusion. He wouldn't let any of the bats near him and often took off, disappearing into the chaos.

Four months into seeing this kid everywhere and their suspicions were confirmed when he literally disappeared after the second time being poisoned.

Danny was a meta and he was afraid.

That’s not the reason for the exasperation felt by this family though. It was what always happened after. The first time he ignored every vigilantly when they tried to bring it up. After the second time he attempted to avoid everyone, extended family included.

(He had asked Kate if she was also Batman’s kid. “More like their aunt.” “Oh okay so it really is a family business. Like that show Unnatural. You don't happen to have also lost your parents at a relatively young age and now go on to fight a dark presence in their honor, do you?.” Kate had stared passively at him, the others had warned her. “….. okay… are you more of a Zuko honor type?”)

However, it was like the universe conspired against Danny. Even Bruce agreed that there had to be some god or being doing this (nothing is ever a coincidence). They kinda felt bad for him. He was very obviously trying to avoid them and he was either really bad at being evasive or a deity was laugh at him. Once he had thrown himself behind a lamp pole smaller than himself and closed his eyes to avoid Stephanie.

(It was very awkward. He could turn invisible and knew they knew so why…..? She had politely continued past so not to embarrass the poor guy further. Cause this was embarrassing and they both knew it.)

Finally it was Duke who pulled them all out of limbo. He had come across Danny on the roof of another bank. A lesser known capital union closer to crime ally this time.

Danny hadn’t been avoiding Duke in the same manner as everyone else. He still stopped to give Duke food but he never spoke and he ran after. Duke thought it would be weird to chase him but it was also weird to turn around, have an orange shoved into his hands then watch his friend run away.

However, this time Danny didn’t run as Duke approached so Duke sat next to him. Pulling out a granola bar, he handed it to Danny, “that’s why you feed me all the time right? Cause you know how many calories we need as metas.”

Danny had laughed, “no actually, that was a bit that morphed into a habit. I just thought it was funny.”

“….what.”

“Don’t get me wrong, now that we’re friends I am more than happy to feed you but yeah. The first candy bar was a thank you and then the second time I thought ‘I have fruit.’”

“….. wow… okay.” There went his plan of empathizing. They sat in silence as Duke tried to reorganize his thoughts.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you all.” Duke turned his head to face Danny, who kept his eyes forward, “you know no one cares that you’re a meta.” “Obviously. It wasn’t the invisibility that I was upset about," Danny said.

“The muttering. The paranoia.” Danny grimaced and didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to tell us till you’re ready, man. Just let us know if you need help. Please, are you safe?”

Danny nodded and Duke nodded back and they had both continued to sit. When they parted ways Danny handed Duke a small bag of chips.

Danny had apologized everyone one at a time even though they had heard it from Duke. Danny never explained nor did he want to talk about his it. His power of invisibility was also a subject off limits. All of them were worried but they didn’t want to force him to talk about it. They had to trust that he would one day feel comfortable doing so with any or all of them. (Still, it was hard seeing their friend so paranoid that he flinched back from them. )

Post Six

[ohits-starflower]

I just woke up from a 2-3 hour nap and watched whatever vods were left for today.

It’s so heartbreaking to see everyone just… trying to cope. And it’s kinda not working. The island just seems quiet and a void has been left. I saw someone say it felt like a tomb of sorts. With everywhere you go, the kids have left their mark on it. And there’s been no move by literally any feds or whoever did this to give a hint of who did it or where they could possibly be. (I’m not really counting cucurucho’s classified answers. MF could be saying it to cover that he doesn’t have a god damn clue.) Which leaves us in a weird limbo and only discourages us and the characters more.

It’s also quite sad to see that the sever just becomes less active at night just due to the fact that they don’t wanna do anything if their kids aren’t there. (And somewhat the morning people…) To which, if they plan to keep the kids away for a while… idk I don’t see it being good. But maybe they don’t care now.

[icharchivist]

you ever get a compliment so specific on your field of study that all you can do is cry

I haven’t really kept up to date with my life on here bc things have been messy but this year i’ve been trying to finish up my uni diploma, which i had left in pause for years because health issues, esp mental health, just made it impossible for me. One of the class i still had to pass was English Literature analysis for this semester, because of a mix of “i can’t process all of those texts” and the fact it was an oral analysis presentation and my social anxiety had kicked up so badly those past few years that any physical presentation led me to such mental states crumbling that i just mostly didn’t manage to finish it up.

the oral was today, i’ve been stressed for weeks about it, i didn’t read half of the recommended texts, i don’t remember half of the lessons i did participate in, and i was so panicked i couldn’t bring myself to study at all, those past few weeks have kinda been a stressful nightmare on that point

I still managed to push myself to go to the exam (major upgrades on the last time i tried to pass it), despite an awful night and the fact i have constant dizzy spells these days (probably bc of stress)

turns out not only i was getting interrogated on the subset of the class that i didn’t vibe with at all/am not at ease at all, but i fell on a text we studied in class when i was sick, and therefore, it was legit my first time seeing the poem at all.

so i go in, lacking all sort of confidence, thinking to myself i mostly just need to show i was here and i’ll still validate the year with that. I try to yolo an interpretation of the poem as i can.

Only so that at the end of the presentation the teacher tells me it was incredible, that this interpretation was really good, and when i mentioned i was really uncomfortable because i actually didn’t know the text at all, she told me it’s even MORE impressive that this is what i came up on my own in 30 minutes. She then asked me if i was pursuing further degree in literature because i “clearly have a gift” for analysis and was disappointed when i said no because she said i would really bring something to the field.

i was panicked for weeks over all of that and now i got this compliment and i cannot process it properly, i’ve been crying for the past half hour or so

I genuinely lack so much confidence in my analysis in general (despite trying to hold up the appearance that i’m actually super confident, promise! any confidence you see on this blog is me lying through my teeth) so being told that by a professional on the field is just. oh god. 

anyway idk if i’ll manage to process more brainpower for today but for now i’ll just stay in a state of limbo a moment over the most specific compliment i could get on something i genuinely care about to start with.

man.

[destinyc1020]

Missed confession corner but wanted to give my two cents on JE (nobody asked). I personally think JE is good actor but do not care for him as a person (I have never been able to make it through an interview of his). I have no idea if he cheated on Z, so I don’t care about that especially since Z is happy currently. I think his next few movies are going to hits though (I personally will be watching them not because he is in them but because they sound interesting 🤷🏾‍♀️). In that sense he is doing well for himself. I’m tired of people blaming JE hate on zendaya fans. It feels like a cop out (some people do the same with Sydney sweeney). When the reality is that all these people get hate (yes including Z and Tom). The fact that JE has never done anything remotely interesting could also contribute to the hate and has nothing to do with Z. i have seen people hate on him because he comes across bland in his interviews and I think that is a fair criticism. I do feel like after his next few movies come out things will change for him though. Especially with saltburn. The test screenings were phenomenal. I have already seen the tide change on him in film twitter spaces and the Oscar race subreddit. So he’ll be fine. He’s not getting a significant amount of hate compared to his peers (not everyone loves him and that’s fine). We’ve seen it happen with our own faves and they are fine.

Thanks Anon for your input. 😊

I actually agree with most of what you said. While my feelings on JE as a person are a bit on the shaky side 👀, I do feel that overall he's a decent actor, and his more recent upcoming projects will be interesting. I think these projects might help him get out of the, "Oh, that guy from Ephoria/TKB" limbo that he's been in for the past few years. I also think these new projects will help bring him more into conversation with the general public.

Re: His Interviewing Skills...

His interviewing skills used to annoy me also ngl lol, but now I'm thinking that he's just socially awkward, and maybe even a little shy? 🤷🏾‍♀️ He's improved a lot since his earlier days imo lol, so that's a plus, I guess 😅

BTW, Idk where fans get this impression that all actors have to be "on" 24/7, or be these funny little comedians while in interviews promoting their work lol 😆 Not everyone is like that personality-wise, and tbh, if you look on YouTube, and check out old interviews of even some of the GOATS that we know of today, many of their interviews were kinda dull and boring tbh rofl 🤣

It doesn't change the fact that they are still famous today, and well-regarded as great actors. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I really don't ask for much honestly lol. All I ask from my faves in interviews is that they be kind, pleasant, respectful to the interviewer, and just maybe bring smthg meaningful to the conversation. That's literally it! 😃

[calamitydaze]

I feel so guilty for missing Dream and wanting to watch his content. I'll see pictures of him (and his minecraft skin tbh) or I'll hear his voice and it sends an instant burst of serotonin, and then I get guilty. He did a space today and I so desperately wanted to listen (and if I didn't have class, I'm not sure if I would've caved or not).

I know nothing's been confirmed yet, and I know it's going to take time, but I miss him and I'm guilty for doing so. It's a lose-lose situation—not interacting w/ his content/dteam content for so long whilst in this limbo is making me feel less happy, but if I do interact w/ the content then I feel guilty.

At least we're all in this together. (Your blog's been a massive help during this, btw. Ty)

yeah, me too. :[ i decided to listen to the recording of his space yesterday cause i feel pretty at peace with where things are right now and it was so weird how easily he could make me smile while still not being able to shake that feeling of guilt and just “man, this kinda sucks.” for what it’s worth though i don’t think we Should feel guilty— emotional bonds don’t dissipate overnight even if people like to act like they do. i’m in the same boat of it being a lose-lose because there’s really nothing else to make me happy in the meantime, dt (+qk) were the only ccs i really loved about but this situation has just drained the uncomplicated joy out of it to the point where even completely unrelated things (like q’s cooking stream today) feel dull right now

[emixunn]

//possible spoilers for the Dream SMP ending

Peace.

It all went blank. It all went quiet.

Tommy woke up.

He sat in his bed, feeling ever so normal.

He stood up on stumbling legs and looked at the pictures framed outside his room. L’manberg, Tubbo, Wilbur, his home, his family.

Was this his new limbo?

He remembered standing in the prison and heard a loud noise and crash before everything turned to white and static.

Tommy shook himself and walked out to the rest of his house where he’d expected to see ruins and collapsed planks. Instead it looked like it had a few months ago. Wood keeps the cold out and his chest were full. His floor wasn’t broken and there were no signs of destruction. No pain.

The sun was blazing right in his eyes. The sky was blue and Tommy shielded himself with a hand. His eyes slowly adjusted to the light.

“Tommy?” A familiar voice was heard a few meters away and Tommy could make out the short and broad shape of his best friend.

“Tubbo?” Tommy nearly whispered, he wasn’t sure if his vocal chords worked correctly.

Tommy broke into a run and threw himself into Tubbo’s arms, a single tear fell down his face.

“Woah hey there man, are you alright?” Tubbo lightly pushed Tommy away so he could look at him.

“What’s- how- ar-“ Tommy stuttered, his breath coming out in short gasps, “are you…real?”

“Wha- of course I’m real Tommy,” Tubbo said and looked into Tommy’s eyes, “did you have another nightmare?”

“No it wasn’t a nightmare it was real, I think, we were-,” Tommy began and struggled to find the right words. How could Tubbo be in his limbo? And why was limbo so…peaceful.

“What? You can tell me Tommy,” Tubbo said, “although this is kinda awkward you’ve been staring into my eyes for a very long time”

“Yes I’m sorry,” Tommy shifted so he stood upright and Tubbo rested one hand comfortingly on his shoulder.

“Tell me what’s bothering you,” Tubbo said and began taking Tommy to the bench- the bench! It was there and it was whole and it looked as beautiful as ever and the tree was so green. Everything looked so colourful.

They sat down and Tubbo reached for his enderchest and took out a disc, and placed it on the jukebox.

Soft tunes began to fill their surroundings.

“I- we…” Tommy took a shuddering breath, “don’t you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“The whole plan! The, everything…” Tommy noticed his arms were trembling and Tubbo rested a palm on his arm. It felt real. Tubbo’s hand was warm and comforting with a few scars and two missing fingers.

“What plan? We didn’t plan anything today,” Tubbo said.

“We were-, wait you don’t remember? At all?”

“Not in the slightest,” Tubbo said and he sounded cheerful. Had it all been a dream?

“Yeah, then, maybe it was just a dream…” Tommy said in a hushed voice, “then I’d rather not talk about it for now if that’s alright��

“You can tell em about the dream when you feel ready,” Tubbo said and stood up, “that reminds me. There’s someone here who wants to see you.”

Tommy took Tubbo’s hand and Tubbo lead him toward the ruins of L’manberg. If it had all been a dream maybe L’manberg still stood, how much had been a dream, what was reality? Tubbo didn’t seem panicked at all.

“Who is it?” Tommy asked

“Oh he came from somewhere far away and he said himself he never thought he’d come back, Ranboo found him coming from about where Las Nevadas used to stand,” Tubbo said casually. Ranboo! He’s alive!

They came to the staircase that led down to the ruins and Tommy was a bit disappointed to see that the hole was still there. But it flourished with life. It looked so colourful, the green, the red and blue and yellow and white all coming together. The waterfalls splashed and birds sang. Tommy could see Jack and Niki on the bridge reminiscing about old times. A raccoon climbed out of the hole and looked in Tommy’s direction before heading off to the sea.

But none of that could compare to the next thing.

At the bottom of the staircase, looking out over L’manberg, stood a tall, black and white Enderman in a suit, their back looking painful with his awful posture. And next to them.

Next to Ranboo.

Stood Wilbur.

They turned to look at Tommy and Tubbo and both their faces lit up. Both had white streaks in their hair that matched Tommy’s own golden streak. Both looked tired yet at peace.

Tommy stopped for a moment before running and throwing himself into his brother’s arm, crying.

“Wilbur…” Tommy whispered and felt a hand on his back.

“I’m here Tommy,” his brother said, with a little bit of surprise.

“You prick” Tommy said and pushed away. He wiped his tears out of his eyes.

He then gave Ranboo a hug too.

“I’ve missed you,” Tommy whispered.

They were all real and alive and standing in front of him. Everything was colourful. Nothing was burning. Nothing brought pain to him.

“I’m never leaving you again,” Tommy promised, a few hours later after a bit of crying, as he sat with his best friends and family looking out over a beautiful crater. Where his physical home once stood.

He was happy and nothing could take that way from him this time. They could stay like this forever.

[32flavorsotbbg]

8.4

My how the turns have tabled yet again

So we had sex twice. He made me cum last night 😳

Wtf

Here I was so pressed lmao about the possible ways this could go and now here I am pressed for an entirely different reason because now I have even bigger crush brain and not only that I have dick brain.

I like him so much but I feel like I’m still kinda waffling just because I’m scared.

Idk idk

This made it even more clear that everything should slow down. Like don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna stop having sex with him lol but I think mentally, I gotta separate myself from the end game equation because one just never knows

We talked about it today… he told me he doesn’t want me to think of him as someone who was just trying to fuck me. Or that that’s all it is to him. He asked if I “had any questions”, that’s what started this convo. I said no and that I might have questions down the line but not now. So I asked him if he had any questions and he said yeah what do you think about all this? So I told him basically we’re in this strange limbo of like, this is both really complicated and not complicated at all. I told him I didn’t want him to feel like I was just like waiting to wrangle him as soon as everything is final. He told me he wasn’t going to be seeking anything else and that he didn’t know how I was going about things but that if someone came along who was perfect for me, that there wouldn’t be any hard feelings. So that’s confusing as fuck because while I appreciate the sentiment of goodwill I also am like…….. oh you’re so funny lol my mind doesn’t work like that. Imma be on this till you’re off it, most likely. And I guess everything lies in the maybe but damn like if that’s how it is, if you’re giving me a KISS GOOD MORNING AND GOODBYE then I don’t wanna hear about the possibility of me coming across anyone else. Because we had that whole entire talk, he said “I don’t want you to think I’m using my personal growth as like an out, it’s not something I’m just going to keep saying and saying, if I did that then I clearly am not really getting my shit together…” …………..and he still ended our day with a kiss goodbye

So it’s like, oh yeah buddy I don’t kiss my friends goodbye… I mean, I would 😏 but I don’t!

But I just kissed him goodbye just once. Not twice. Just once, said, enjoy the rest of the day, that I’d see him on Tuesday, smiled, that was it.

I wanna quit overthinking it. But I’m still kinda left with questions. I think I should just let the questions go and accept what it is now but it’s like, wait??? Does that mean I shouldn’t think of it as anything?

I think yeah that’s probably it. I should think of it as getting to know him more which of course I want to do anyway. Idk I just don’t wanna invest so much emotion when it’s clear he’s pulling reins in an effort to preserve his progress/effort on himself.

I don’t wanna get my feet knocked out from under me.

I think patience will be my best friend, patience and loving detachment.

Idk. I’d love to stop spinning

[laffy-taffy-creations]

Day 27!!!

This fic was cross-posted on AO3 here

Dinner Time

Matches | Scars | "Let me see"

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Word count: 653

Warnings: needles, needles scars, implied/referenced trauma, mentioned sedation, very brief and not very explicit with it but past experimentation for anyone who was wondering

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got yet another package of needles. From Him.

Sedatives. To keep me in line. I sighed and hid the box under my bed. At the very least I could probably hide some of these in my hero suit or in the Limbo made by one of my powers for use in a fight if needed…

The thought that he was still sending me needles, almost as if it was a deliberate reminder of those four years…

Like I’d be able to forget them in the first place…

“Well, maybe through trauma block,” I said quietly to myself. I got up and went back to my desk. I hated that he was a teacher here now, he just had to start now of all years. I’d probably only get away from him by killing him.

Someone knocked at the door. “Hey Vee, it’s dinner time! Some of us made sukiyaki if you’re hungry!” Kaminari said on the other side.

“Mhn,” I responded.

“...We’re kinda worried. You havent left your dorm all day. I know you usually dont eat very much but… it’s just a single serving of sukiyaki so, if you could-”

Mina cut him off, “Get out here and eat! We havent seen you at all today not even for food, this is not a request! Meet us in the common room in 10 or I’m having Bakugou breakdown your door.”

I giggled. It wasnt like her to be this demanding usually… Had I really been in here all day?...

“...Okay.”

I heard the footsteps of them leaving, satisfied with that answer for now. I still had some things to do so I made a few design sketches for some gadgets and left them for polishing afte some food.

Making my way to common room, I gace a small wave to everyone there and sat down by where a small group was gathered. Mina passed over a bowl with a serving for me without saying anything.

Everyone was looking at me. Why was everyone looking at me? Had I been in my room for that long? Was it really that bad?

“...Why are you guys staring?”

“Oh, sorry! We’ve just… you’re usually covered head to toe…”

The confusion must’ve really shown on my mask because someone else explained, “This is the first time we’re seeing any of your skin that isnt your neck.”

I realized I came downstairs in a T-shirt and instinctively started hiding myself in an invisibility illusion.

“Nononono it’s cool! It’s just… not what we’re used to,” Mina reassured.

“I ran out of my usual long-sleeved stuff this morning,” I lied. I didnt mean to say it. I internally cursed myself for being a pathological liar before remembering I had only learned it because it kept me safe when I was younger. Either way, they took it as truth.

“Is that why you were hiding all day?” Kaminari asked.

I nodded. I might as well stick with it. I started stress eating to keep my mind off it.

“You look fine, why the fuck would that be why you’re hiding?” Bakugou commented.

It wasnt.

“Did you forget the safety hazard of my mask when I dont have all my skin covered?” I shot back and shoveled another bite of food into my mouth.

Ochako scooted a little closer to me. “I like the little dots on your arms. Like stars,” she complimented.

“Wait, does OV have freckles?” Mina asked.

I shook my head.

Ochako looked at me confused, “Vee, I’m looking right at them.”

“Those aren’t freckles,” I managed.

“They aren’t?”

No.

“Oooo let me see!”

Stop looking.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

You fell for the actual lie earlier.

“Well then what on earth are they?”

“SCARS!” I ended up shouting.

Everything fell silent. “They’re not freckles, they’re… they’re scars…”

Needle scars.

“...thank you for the food,” I said, taking my bowl and going back up to my room.

[godlovesjude]

womp womp

I feel like I’m going bananas. Like, completely batshit. I’m waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up and tell me that everything I’ve lived through was actually just nothing at all. I know my life isn’t that bad, and I know the optics of a middle-class American whining about their problems on the internet. And I know if I said that to anyone they would just interrupt me and say “your problems are valid too!” Well, they don’t feel like it. Am I still going to complain? Absolutely. Am I dying for sympathy? Not really. My life feels like the kind of life people worry about having. I hate it, I really do. My days are spent dreaming of the life I could’ve had. I mean, my god, I’m only twenty and my life already feels over. How is it possible for someone to feel like they’ve thrown in the towel so early? This can’t be all that there is to it. I know it’s not, but how do I actually believe that? Believing that your life is worth living kinda feels like the first step to getting better so I’m a little stuck. I’m trapped in such a weird limbo right now. I don’t have the privilege to shut down, so I can’t do that, but I also don’t have the energy to make any changes to feel better. So what now? Do I just sit here? Do I go to the gym and eat healthy and make a fucking bulleted list of all the things I love? Jesus Christ. This has to be a joke. No one’s going to save me, I know. And I know that self-awareness doesn’t really change anything. I know! I just wish I had an answer to everything. Earlier today, I felt so resentful toward one of my friends. She has everything handed to her. An apartment her mom pays for, groceries her mom pays for, clothes her mom pays for. Of course it isn’t my friend’s fault, but envy is nothing if not tenacious. When you have a friend like that, you just sit there and think, “fuck.” I know it’s horrible, but sometimes I wish for her to lose it all, just so she knows what It’s like to work for once. That’s the core of envy though, it’s ugly. It’s very ugly. It’s made me ugly. It’s such a horrible feeling when you realize you’re working twice as hard but you’re getting less. That’s just how it is, I guess. Fuck it all. 

[twenytwenytwo]

Dec 29 2022 (1:25pm)

Continuing exploring this theme of “turning the page”, starting fresh, brand new.

It’s really resonating with me today. Of course, I’m in a mood (I’ve now replaced “depressed” with “astronomically grumpy”), so themes that relieve me of that will be nice, but it doesn’t seem so cooked up. It feels like that what I really need.

There are forces, drivers within me. They’re simple and arguably haven’t changed. The simplest description of my ideal circumstance is:

I want a cute girlfriend who loves me, I love her, we have fun, and build a life. I’ve got friends I play rock music with, and we’re trying to take the band places. I’ve got a job that finances all this, and maybe adds to it.

That’s it.

2 of the 3 elements of that are currently bunged up. The third is to sustain the first two, so isn’t exactly life giving on it’s own.

I don’t know if I’m just sleepy so I’m easily impressed, but this articulation is so uncomplicated, but so true. I can weave a thousand ramblings about the intricacies of my current struggle, the metaphysics, the philosophy, the deep psychoanalytical maze, BUT…

… IF those 3 simple things were in a better state of repair, (girlfriend, friends/band, job) I can say with blinding certainty that I would not have any shits to give. I’d be sleeping fine, I wouldn’t be stressed, I’d be focused and engaged, not irritable, etc.

That’s it.

As for the cause of my stress, the extreme grumpiness, the poor sleep, the anxiety; it is that I don’t even get enjoy the intermediate stages between, say, being single and in a relationship, or looking for a band, or being in a band.

Instead, it’s this weird limbo that stops my juices from flowing. I’ve got a band a can play with, but we’re not really acting like it, so then do I have a band to play with? Do I have a band, or don’t I?

There’s someone in my life who somewhat occupies the girlfriend slot, because I care for her and enjoy her company, but we’re not together, but I can’t look for another girlfriend.

No wonder my dopamine levels are so low. I can’t even benefit from the state of desire, of working toward something because that exact process is frozen. To be fair, it’s not completely frozen. I have a hand in this mess.

How do I undo it? How do get the juices flowing? I believe the girlfriend one is the least fun. I need to conclude things, firmly, with Izabel. Are you my girlfriend or not my girlfriend?

With music, I kinda have to deal with the circumstance a little bit, and understand that I want to tight knit, devoted set of band mates. Devoted in the sense that they are eager to participate and enjoy what it means to be in a fuckin sick rock band.

Job, that’ll work itself out. Lol. Just understand the stress involved is a product of wanting to please society’s pressure because I don’t like being in a position to be viewed as a bum. The band insulated me from that, when it was fully formed and happening, though I was also younger and that was more acceptable. I’m 25. Being in a band is still pretty acceptable.

These are the “commitments” I’ve been leaning into the past few weeks. These things will turn the page, and start a new chapter, start fresh, clean slate. These things will unstick the clog.

[outofcontexturi]

Sun 27th Nov 2022 journal 11:04am

I’m in a weird mood. I don’t exactly know how I feel today. to be fair I just woke up so I mean I don’t know if it’s because of that or not but yeah. I’ve dyed my hair. I misplaced one of my edibles in one of the dressing rooms kmt. Life is moving fast again. It’s gonna be fast all week until the 8th. I’m in a bit of a weird limbo in life I keep saying it but like it just feels too weird right now. 23 you’ve been a disgusting bitch to me. I might need to give the boots to Ibraheem today but idk if travel is even running the same today or if there’s strikes still. I’m also meant to be going on a walk with my mum this morning. I’ll probably go in the next 45 mins. Do i love life? Does life love me? Am I really here? Angie just arrived home. It’s 11:10am. During rehearsals on Friday I took a moment to deep that this acting life isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. I thought I’d be happy doing a big(ger) production but it’s a lot more stress than I thought. I learnt very quickly the harsh realities of being an actor. A professional one at that. It’s not an easy thing to do. theatre is hard. especially when you’re having to change in and out of costume and run around a building to get a spot before the light gets on hit your cue and then run back around the building to a different spot in less than 45 seconds. Now imagine doing that same thing 4 or 5 times repetitively. Breaks aren’t always true to the time they’ve scheduled. By breaks i mean smaller breaks. Sometimes a 10 min break is really a 3 min break. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you cannot make yourself bigger than the thing you’re doing cause you’ll quickly realise no one gives a fuck about your whining more than you and if anything you’re stressing everyone out more by caring about it like that. I saw it in myself and a few of my peers. But I think that’s because we’re still novices to this whole industry. There’s just things you don’t do. That people don’t tell you all the time but you see it in others. Body language really does speak volumes on set and although people are smiling in your face they’re actually telling themselves “I’m not working with this guy again” a lot of the time. Professionalism gets you a long way in this industry; more than talent. talent without professionalism is just amateur work at best and that’s all it will ever be, amateur work. Professionalism kinda says fuck your feelings you have a job to do so do it. Cry about whatever later but don’t fucking ruin the bigger picture. When you’re too busy worrying over small things (big things in your real life) you’ll soon realise the industry will ALWAYS SAY “THE SHOW MUST GO ON” and they’re right. It must go on. Are you capable of handling the stress attached to that? can you not break when you’re having a very very shit day and your director is being very blunt and not exactly clear with their direction? can you not crack under pressure when the lights are on you? can you handle being spoken to like shit (sometimes)? can you do it? this whole acting ting is an illusion. A great one at that. I had a moment backstage on Thursday where I couldn’t get my first costume off and I had probably 15-30 seconds to take off the first one a put on the second one in dark blue lighting by myself without making noise and get back on stage. My costume lady saw me struggling and I asked her if I could get a costume that’s easier to put on and she told me that I’m going to need someone here to help me (quite bluntly) and it was at that moment I thought “fuck this shit”. But In hindsight I realise I wasn’t playing the game properly. After the rehearsals Vilberg came up to me and said he’s not doing nothing in a lot of the first half of the play and that he’s willing to help out and it was then I realised “OH !!!! WHEN INDUSTRY MOMENTS LIKE THIS HAPPEN YOU’VE GOT TO LEAN ON EACH OTHER OR ELSE YOU’LL CRACK.” like there are solutions to problems but when you’re young and new to such a profession it’s so easy to take things you perceive as rude or disrespectful to heart and have it affect your mood. Con-

[rabbit-chicken-witch]

Something that a cousin of mine said to me once has been repeating heavily in my mind lately:

“Being an adult is hard. No one ever prepared me for how much I had to look out for myself or how much time that takes. Giving genuine time to people is one of the best things I could ask for now a days. That’s how you know you like someone and they like you. Fuck, if they love you, they’d be giving you time almost everyday in some way. That’s how I feel about my girlfriend.”

I think I understand more of what he means now that I’m not in school anymore.

Finding someone worth to give time is hard. If you’re anything like me, you end up doing extremes with your time for certain people because of past coping mechanisms from trauma.

I don’t know how many people I’ve met and loved, only to lose them because I’m too much or we’re just not in good places. Friends and lovers both.

The more people I meet, the more I realize I want to give my time to someone who’d reassure me that they’d want to give too in their personal way.

You give each other time and watch it grow together.

It makes things very spiritual to me. Especially because communication and connection is the human struggle since forever.

I grew up following others in desperation to not be around loneliness. I made some genuine friends along the way in that time. Sometimes we hurt and get hurt in those processes. That’s a part of why these thoughts are in my head.

But, some are still giving me their time and thoughts today. It’s incredible to me that I’ve missed such a garden in my life for so long, but I’m glad I had the time again to see that it exists. And that I have the rest of my life to choose what grows here. It’s definitely going to be a humble garden.

Though,

I cannot help but cry when I look at the places where time has stopped growing. Where flowers used to bloom in a variety of colors because of blind optimism, a deep forest that used to be a mystery and magical behind all its thick leaves and riddles, a red fiery autumn path that has now been covered in an ice blanket of snow because it was too tired to want spring just yet, and a tree that almost became consumed with root rot hibernating on a limbo.

It’s as though those times have become washed in gray and have stopped. They will not disappear because they have become a part of what I am now. Whether I like that or not. They have showed me parts of who I was, what’s changed, and the values that are concrete.

That is when I look behind me though.

In front of me there are still trees that are sturdy from the craziest and most painful storms, there are new little trees growing as well and being a part of their growth is rewarding, there are vegetables and fruit to keep me full, there are herbs and flowers for flavor and aroma, and my favorite flower standing in the middle of it all. The nights can be cold and sometimes harsh, but the sun also is so warm here. It’s hopeful.

I’m only writing about this for myself and to let heavy feelings go bit by bit for new seeds to be sown.

To remind myself to not overwater any one plant because there are many in my life. And because as a plant myself, I feel kinda dry.

TLTR: genuine time can be a special gift from people and I miss it from some. Regardless, we move along and hope.

[20192022diary]

27th October 2022

I feel insecure about Kieran today. Yesterday he didn’t message me all day until I messaged him and I told him I was feel down and this morning he didn’t even ask how I was feeling he just liked the message. I’m starting to think he either doesn’t like me that much or he’s loosing interest. It’s confusing because Monday he was asking if I wanted to go to a theme park and Tuesday he came over. Maybe I did something on Tuesday that put him off. Or maybe I’m just over thinking again. I don’t know. On Sunday he referred to me as his girlfriend, I think. I don’t know if he was or whether he was just making a joke but it felt like he wasn’t joking. It’s kinda the same as when he said he loved me. I don’t know whether he was joking or not. I’ve asked him when we were drunk and having sex and he said he meant it but we were drunk and having sex so I still don’t know whether he meant it or not. If I knew for sure that he loved me and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend I would chill out but right now it’s a weird limbo. My gut is telling that he does feel that way otherwise he wouldn’t say it but he’s just weird about being lovey dovey. My gut feel like him saying that about girlfriend was his way of letting me know that he wants me to be his girlfriend without having to ask. For once my gut feel positive about someone and not negative. Also whilst writing this I just saw a heart balloon got past in the sky. I get in my head a lot but I need to take a step back and looks at the facts. I need to continue to have faith in him. Stop being so clingy. He said he’s see me at the weekend even though he’s hanging out with his friends. I need to be happy and enjoy the anticipation of seeing him instead of being worried that he’s going to lose interest in me. Next time I see him I’m just going to say how I feel. I’m so scared of jinxing myself but it’s okay to be positive about someone

I keep saying I want us to be independent of each other but the second he doesn’t give me to attention I want I start doubting and not enjoying my life. Trust in what he says and how he acts in person and it how he acts over text and social media. And continue to enjoy life like you do when you feel confident about him

[awilddaydreamer]

Ok I’m putting my thoughts here too because I’m currently rotating c!Eret and c!Wilbur around in my brain at lightspeed

I really love how c!Wilbur and c!Eret play off each other. They're such interesting characters to see interact, since they’re such perfect foils for each other. They've wronged people in similar ways, and while Eret has tried to atone for that for so long, Wilbur has been stuck in his old ways. Eret was able to see firsthand how her and Wilbur’s actions affected people and has been trying to do better, while Wilbur has been stuck in limbo. Hell I’d argue he’s still been kinda stuck in a limbo since being revived, just not physically. He’s still been stuck in this old mindset he hasn’t really been able to change. And sure, c!Ranboo blowing himself up in front of him certainly started Wilbur on his path to reflection and healing, I think Wilbur’s talk with Eret today is what Wilbur really needed.

We’ve seen so many times, as Wilbur was talking to people, even the ones he was apologizing to, he felt the need to place a block under him to make himself physically taller than the other. To put himself above them. But Wilbur took the block away when he and Eret were talking. He willingly put himself on equal ground with Eret. That’s big for Wilbur

Wilbur even threw away his TNT, his safety net and comfort. A remnant of his old habits. He threw it away. And Eret threw away her crown, a symbol of her treachery. They’ve both let go of their past and look to the future now.

Eret, after spending so long trying to get Wilbur back and atone for what she’s done, was finally able to have a heart to heart. She was able to express what she really needed from Wilbur. Sure she may have said some straightup wrong things about L’Manberg, I may not agree with her on L’Manberg breaking the peace by fighting back, but she does acknowledge and recognize that it was wrong to betray them. She doesn’t have to be right, she’s not the narrator of this story, nobody is. They’re just characters, and that’s what makes them interesting.

They were finally able to be on equal ground, to really, truly talk and understand one another. They’ve both done similar things, and they’re both trying to make up for the black scorch on history they’ve left behind. Understanding each other is the best way to do that.

This was such an important moment for both Eret and Wilbur. They both really needed this

And dude... fuck... the revised L’Manberg anthem at the end. “With Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, and Eret” “Our L’Manberg”

It so perfectly displays how important Wilbur and Eret’s discussion today was. Wilbur is letting go of his grudge against Eret. He’s letting go of his perceived self-ownership of L’Manberg. Wilbur finally is learning to let go of the past.