#so to that extent that's mostly what i mean by. putting up with me. but. [smacks brain with rolled-up newspaper] thank u again :') ilu

[sollucets]

everyone "puts up" with you on our dash? My dear you are my highlight!! Whenever I see you on my dash I am happy!!! Like you are such a kind soul? And you are insanely good at writing, GIFs and being kind!!! Smh "put up". I love seeing you!

nonny what if i. cried

[haladriel]

Devourer of Light: How did Sauron regain his power in the Second Age?

So @cassey-fitzcassey and I have been doing some musing.

Since the end of the first season of Rings of Power, we’ve known that Sauron has been hiding under the guise of human Halbrand. 

Since the beginning of the second, we’ve known this isn’t by choice: that Sauron slid straight from powerful would-be ruler to powerless goop, festering in darkness before absorbing his way up the food chain, the passing of an unfortunate rat the true catalyst in this story.

‘Sauron lives because of you!'

When Sauron finally hijacks a body with functional hands, face and legs, the relief on his stolen face is clear. He is free from his squid ink spaghetti prison. And, for better or for worse, from his former life.

But Sauron has been debased: a great Maia, heir to Morgoth, forced into the body of a mortal man? Oof. If he had the power to do so, I have no doubt he would have changed his shape immediately, from the humiliation alone. 

But he doesn’t. Which means he can’t. 

When we see him having to warm his pitiful human body in the Northern Waste, he is dispirited. Resentful of his debasement. Rueing his sworn enemy who he’s had hundreds of years to bitterly, goopily hate.

When he meets the Southlanders, they’re heading away from the orcs: chances are he’s on his way to encounter Adar.

To what end, we don’t know. I’m not sure he does either. He’s almost visibly single-minded on this task, using the trail of humans as a wayfinder. When the Southlander with the sigil shares his wisdom, Sauron is surprised to be approached. He is apathetic towards the conversation, but his curiosity — or opportunism — is piqued enough to turn, and follow. Sauron’s opportunity weather-vane in action.

When the sea-wyrm (hi Ossë) attacks the Southlanders’ ship, once again, we do not see Sauron shapeshift into something more useful. Implication, he still can’t. Or, he’s committed to giving this good human life thing a go. Coin toss, but let's be honest, in such a situation, with no one watching me, I'd probably scrap that plan and disappear stealthily into the depths.

So when does Sauron regain enough power to do all of his usual shapeshifting and other demigodly shenanigans?

Well, by the second season, Sauron is able to put on The Jesus Show™ for Celebrimbor.

At this stage, he can do pretty light displays, give himself a booming voice, change his clothing and physical appearance (to an extent; presumably a vampiric bat is still beyond him) and perhaps (as some have suggested) even control the weather to make Brimby feel bad for him. So when did he regain power? And more importantly, how? 

Theory #0 Horror movie Sauron

It’s true that we have seen Sauron regain shape and form by devouring other beings.

But, presumably, this isn’t how he continues to regain his former strength, which continues to grow throughout Season 1 and into Season 2 — otherwise Rings of Power is at risk of becoming something a lot more sinister than it already is.

This gruesome mechanism seems more of a primitive way for a discorporated Maia to regain a physical form, not to reclaim all that Maia energy that burst from his body — something akin to morsels versus the feast, or long-term nourishment. All in all, while this might be how Sauron starts the process of regaining his strength, it feels unlikely it's how he continues, as any power from everyday creatures and humans simply wouldn’t be enough to restore him to his former self. But the possibility’s still, technically, on the table.

Given this is a high fantasy show, and (mostly) not a cosmic horror one… at this point, it’s worth consulting the source texts. What do we already know from Tolkien about Light and power in Aman and Middle-earth?

Elrond's Lore Interlude: Light and Darkness as interchangeable power sources

Anyone who’s read The Silmarillion remember Ungoliant, ancestor to Shelob? When telling her story in The Silmarillion, Tolkien has some interesting things to say about Light and Darkness: 

There … the shadows were deepest and thickest in the world … secret and unknown, Ungoliant had made her abode … She had crept towards the light of the Blessed Realm; for she hungered for light and hated it.  In a ravine she lived, and took shape as a spider of monstrous form, weaving her black webs in a cleft of the mountains. There she sucked up all light that she could find, and spun it forth again in dark nets of strangling gloom, until no light more could come to her abode; and she was famished. A cloak of darkness she wove about them when Melkor and Ungoliant set forth: an Unlight, in which things seemed to be no more, and which eyes could not pierce, for it was void. — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion, 'Of the Darkening of Valinor'

In brief summary of What Goes Down, Morgoth promises Ungoliant all her desires in exchange for her service, and they temporarily ally to launch an attack on the Two Trees Laurelin and Telperion...

...causing the Darkening of Valinor:

…when both Trees were shining, and the silent city of Valmar was filled with a radiance of silver and gold … in that very hour Melkor and Ungoliant came hastening over the fields of Valinor, as the shadow of a black cloud upon the wind fleets over the sunlit earth… Then the Unlight of Ungoliant rose up even to the roots of the Trees, and Melkor sprang upon the mound; and with his black spear he smote each Tree to its core, wounded them deep, and their sap poured forth as it were their blood, and was spilled upon the ground. But Ungoliant sucked it up, and going then from Tree to Tree she set her black beak to their wounds, till they were drained … And still she thirsted, and going to the Wells of Varda she drank them dry; but Ungoliant belched forth black vapours as she drank, and swelled to a shape so vast and hideous that Melkor was afraid. So the great darkness fell upon Valinor.

Why is this relevant? Ungoliant shows that Light can be converted into Unlight, or Darkness. (Side note: Anyone read the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson? Yeah. That’s where he got it from.) Tolkien makes this relationship even more explicit in the next paragraph:

The Light failed; but the Darkness that followed was more than loss of light. In that hour was made a Darkness that seemed not lack but a thing with being of its own: for it was indeed made by malice out of Light, and it had power to pierce the eye, and to enter heart and mind, and strangle the very will.

And, importantly, Ungoliant grows more powerful by consuming Light.

So, back to Sauron. How might he regain his lost power?

Sauron, Devourer of Light

If Ungoliant’s example is anything to go by, it could be: simply, from encountering things that have Light in them. And devouring it. But what things, and when?

Theory #1 From the Mithril

So, @cassey-fitzcassey had the idea that Sauron might have regained his power when he touched the Mithril during the making of the rings.

Timeline-wise, this is certainly possible, as Sauron does not demonstrate any significant unseen-worldly powers until after meeting Celebrimbor (The Raft: Reprise). But given Sauron wants the rings to be as powerful as possible, there was only a small amount of Mithril available to he and Celebrimbor to work with (hence why it must be magnified using the ring shape), it’s less plausible he would take too much Light power from the Mithril, lest he weaken the end result. Still, however, a possibility.

Theory #2  From Middle-earth, including Lindon's tree

In his time spent as human Halbrand, as part of ‘the residue of evil’ that Morgoth had left behind, Sauron could have been slowly siphoning power off the land and its peoples.

At the beginning of the events in the Rings of Power, the whole of Middle-earth is at peace — the Light of the Eldar is the Light of Valinor, responsible for sustaining their immortality — and it follows that there would be Light both metaphorically and, in the Tolkien universe, literally saturating the lands and its people.

But that light is fading, and there is a blight upon the Great Tree of Lindon.

Darkness is seen elsewhere in Middle-earth, too. In the first scenes in the Southlands, Arondir examines a cow oozing black goop; she has been grazing in lands where there is Darkness, triggered — or, if Sauron himself spent this whole time quietly radiating Darkness from under his icy fortress, exacerbated — by the presence of the orcs.

The implication made clear here is that Light and Darkness can exist inside beings, and that the levels can vary. But, like trying to drink from a trickling creek, Sauron supping Light in this way enough to regain his former powers couldn’t happen quickly. So, given he shows no signs of using those powers in the Prologue, why the apparent acceleration after the shipwreck?

Theory #3  From the Lady of Light herself

You can see where this is going.

Galadriel is the Lady of Light, and lore goes the gold of her hair ‘was touched by some memory of the starlike silver of her mother, and the Eldar said that the light of the Two Trees had been snared in her tresses' (Unfinished Tales, 'The History of Galadriel and Celeborn'). 

In Tolkien’s world, where Light can be a source of power for a creature of Darkness to grow stronger, the Light in Galadriel is unlikely merely metaphorical.

The Eldar contain the Light of Valinor and bring this Light to Middle-earth: Galadriel, as one of those who basked in the Light of the Two Trees themselves, will contain more than most.

So when Sauron encounters her, with all her irresistible Light, he’s discovered a deep well of convertible power. Even a bit of her Light might have sped up the process. And, well, while she’s busy touching the darkness, she’s not going to notice a bit of it going missing, is she?

Bonus Theory: Reverse conversion

This has little bearing on where Sauron regains his power from, but as a thought: does Light replace Unlight, or Darkness? Or can it be internally converted?

As his discorporated form shows, Sauron is — spiritually speaking — made of Darkness. He is black ooze personified. Or Maia-ified. Maybe, just maybe, in a world where Light and Dark aren’t only metaphors for morality, Galadriel and Sauron spark a conversion reaction inside one another. Their internal battles become metachemical, with a little of Galadriel’s Light turning to Darkness, and Sauron’s Darkness… turning to Light. 

That may be stretching the bounds a little. But, either way, Sauron lives and regains his power because of Galadriel. And the rat.  ________________________________

Disclaimer: I haven’t read all of Tolkien’s legendarium yet. He wrote a lot of stuff. If there’s anything that’s been missed, I’d love to hear about it.

[transmascissues]

some thoughts about top surgery recovery, as of 3 days post-op:

when they say using your chest muscles sucks afterward, i never realized exactly how much was going to be be limited. coughing, sneezing, hiccuping, laughing — all of it is terrifying right now. even talking for too long starts to put that kind of stress on my chest, and my voice isn’t as strong as it usually is. it takes me forever to fully empty my bladder when i’m on the toilet because i’m totally relying on gravity to do all the work (and shitting was effectively impossible without a stool softener even though i haven’t taken the pain meds they said i would need them for)…and don’t even get me started on figuring out how to wipe (hint: back to front while sitting, using my dominant hand to push my non-dominant hand far back enough). using the computer is also harder — i was planning on playing lots of baldur’s gate after, but for the first couple days i could only really go for a few minutes before using my arms that way got too tiring. having a mastectomy pillow has been an absolute godsend when i’m using my phone because i can prop my arms up on it and not really have to use any muscles at all to hold them up.

the biggest piece of not being able to use my chest muscles right now, which i’m writing separately because it’s been such a huge thing for me, is that i cannot sit up or back by myself at fucking all. like, if i sit on the couch and lean back a bit to sit against the cushion, it hurts to pull myself back up to fully straight — and if i’m leaning back any more than that, i just can’t do it at all and i’m stuck there unless my boyfriend puts their hands behind me and pushes my dead weight back up. i totally get why some people sleep in a recliner now because i’m completely at the mercy of having someone there to help move me around once i’m at any sort of angle. sitting back is mostly the same as far as what i can do, and arguably hurts worse to attempt at all, but my ability to do it seems to be coming back faster than my ability to sit up. if you’ve never had your mobility limited to that extent before, prepare yourself: the first time you’re stuck somewhere and the person who normally helps you doesn’t answer immediately can be really fucking scary (i learned that the hard way).

the anesthesiologist warned me that i might have a sore throat after surgery from being intubated, but i was not prepared for what “sore throat” ended up meaning for me. you know that feeling of swallowing something that’s too big and you can still feel it in your throat even after it’s down? it’s like that times 20, and further down in my throat. the worst pain i’ve felt in the last three days wasn’t from the surgery itself, it was from trying to swallow pancakes when my throat was at it’s worst. today is the first day it’s even started to fade, and even now, it hurts just to swallow my own spit. i don’t know about you, but that’s not what comes to mind when someone tells me “you might have a sore throat”.

on that note, the incisions themselves have really been the least painful part in general, probably because the nerves there aren’t reconnected yet. the vast majority of my pain and discomfort at this point has been from the drains and bandages — the drain sites getting sore or just randomly starting to sting, waking up feeling suffocated by the ace bandages, etc. it’s not because anything is wrong with them — the drains weren’t placed wrong and the bandages aren’t too tight, they’re just a huge pain in the ass to deal with 24/7. i can’t express how much i’m looking forward to getting the drains out and being able to take binder breaks because it’ll make things so much more comfortable.

my incisions are connected in the middle because my chest tissue was all really close together, and the part where the incisions connect is really the only part where i’ve felt any pain so far. i suspect it’s because the swelling on either side is making that part of the incision push together and press against itself, and then the binder pushes on it even more. it’s not a severe pain at all, but i do sometimes lift the center of the bandage off my chest for a second to give that spot a bit of a break.

i’ve already started getting some of the weird sensations associated with nerves reconnecting, and it definitely is wild. so far, it’s been mostly tingly feelings, sometimes like chills and sometimes more like a limb falling asleep. (weird observation: taking a shit makes my ribs tingle? i’ve got no good explanation for that one.) i’ve gotten a zap on one side and some buzzing feelings too. it’s pretty mild right now, probably because it’s so early on.

i’ve also gotten what i would describe as phantom boob feelings, especially on the first night. specifically, when i close my eyes, sometimes i’ll feel like someone is touching or jiggling the boobs i don’t have anymore. definitely not a super pleasant experience, but i think being out of it from the anesthesia still really helped me not be too upset by the worst of it. i’ve gotten a couple little phantom nipple touches too, but those were just split second blips of sensation that were far less bothersome in comparison.

i never realized that the classic post-op hunch is caused more by the binder than by the body itself, but we had to take all of my bandages off the night after my surgery to send pictures of something to my surgeon, and i was shocked by how much straighter i could sit with everything off. i was definitely still hunched, but it was more like a natural slouch and less like i looked like i was using an invisible walker. with the binder on, it’s super uncomfortable for me to try to stand straight at all because it feels like the ace bandage doesn’t come with my body and just drags everything down, and i’m always holding my mastectomy pillow or my hands to my chest while i walk around to stop it from feeling like gravity is going make the bandage tear my chest open.

every so often, when things are getting especially painful or uncomfortable or just generally difficult, i do start to wonder if i made the right choice. not because i regret getting rid of those things — not by a long shot — but because it’s a fucking hard process to go through. this is probably the hardest thing for me to admit, but the rational part of my mind knows it’s natural to feel that way once in a while. all of this is temporary and the relief from dysphoria will be permanent, but right now? this is my entire world and it doesn’t feel particularly temporary and i do have moments of “why do i have to go through all this when other people get to just have the right body from the start? why couldn’t i just live with what i had? why can’t i just be living my normal life right now?” no matter how sure you are of your choice, no matter how proud you are of being trans, this shit is hard and it’s okay to feel that.

i’m going to put the pictures of my chest one day post-op under the cut, because i think it’s pretty rare to see pictures from that soon after the surgery. they’re not gorey at all — the actual incisions are totally covered by steri strips and everything around them is clean — but still, if you don’t want to see relatively fresh surgery results, don’t look under the cut.

for all the discomfort and pain and limitations and other weirdness of recovery, every time i look at these pictures it reminds me of exactly why i’m doing all of this, and i’m so glad i kept fighting for this for so long. some people might never understand why someone would choose to go through this whole process, but i know it’ll be worth it in the end.

here’s my chest one day post-op! i think it looks super good and my surgeon said it looks like it’s healing perfectly (as much as it can be healing at one day). for reference, my chest was a DDD/F before surgery. i know this isn’t how my chest will look in the end, but i’m already thrilled with how things are turning out! i’ve truly never been more confident in my choice of surgeon — like, come on! look at that! she did so good!

[greycaelum]

Kaleidoscope Series—Clouds and Mochi Chapters: { Welcoming }

—Gojo Satoru X Wife Reader

𑁍 Genre: pregnancy journey, parenthood

𑁍 WC/CW/TW: (4.4k)—/suggestive hints, pregnant reader, labor, fluff, domesticity, subtle talks of clan matters, dad satoru, set on winter—/

𑁍 A/N: this took a while because—my holiday turned to a rollercoaster of events and gatherings, anyways happy 2024~ everyone! let me take you to the first chapter of this year~ ☕︎✍︎,

WEEK 10: Kumquat

"Oh... you bought a kumquat? Did you go to the grocery, Love?"

Satoru looked up from the net of kumquat he bought and shuffled towards you, leaning down excitedly to litter butterfly kisses on your tummy.

"How are you, my babies? Did you miss Dada? Bet you missed me more though?" Satoru stood up and grinned at you. "You're 10 weeks, Honey, our babies here are as big as kumquats!"

You can't burst his bubble when he is sparkling in excitement as he leans back down and kisses your belly over and over and over until you get annoyed by the smooching sounds and pull him up. Satoru pulls you up to still on the kitchen stall while he peels some kumquat for you. He pushes a bowl with three peeled kumquats.

"Two kumquats for my sunshines and one for my pretty wifey, hehe, imagine, they're so tiny like this... and and... they're all curled up and..." He started mumbling as he giggled tracing patterns over your still small belly while you ate a piece of the kumquat.

"Don't start Satoru." You can't help but reign him down before he starts something.

"Try me." He giggled and kissed you, sneaking a lick to taste the kumquat zest on your lips.

WEEK 12: Lime

"Mama! Mama! We bought you a green orange!" Saika ran towards you as you joined in their stroll after Satoru told you they were in the shopping district just near the meeting you had. She collided with your leg and grinned up to you.

"A green orange? You mean a lime, sweetie?" You took the net with three limes inside. Bending down to kiss her is starting to be taxing with your growing belly that's a bit bigger than normal since you're having two of them inside.

"Papa said sunshines are as big as limes. When are they gonna get big enough so we can play with them, Mama?" Kouki held your hand as Satoru subtly kissed your forehead before taking your bag.

"We're gonna wait until winter, maybe by then our lil' sunshines here will be ready by then."

"Winter?! That's too long!" Saika bemoaned making you and Satoru laugh.

"Believe me, sweetie, it'll fly by."

WEEK 14: Peach

"Look what I haveeeee~" You didn't have to turn around as your feet were swept off the ground.

"Hey! 'Toru?! Put me down!"

Satoru giggled and pushed you up the counter standing between your legs to kiss your belly.

"Our babies here are as big as these peaches~" On his hand, there's a clutch of three peaches. "Lemme peel them first. Bet you missed me the whole day."

"Of course... I did not."

He held his heart and feigned death before chuckling as he peeled the sticky peach.

"How was the clan meeting? I heard they've been a pain in the ass regarding the new education system for the kids in the clan?"

You hummed and held your belly while he opened the fruit, and there were two seeds inside. "Love, keep those seeds and have someone plant them in our villa at the estate."

"Why?" Satoru looks up to you in curiosity.

"Nothing much, it's a good omen." You shrug. "Anyway, the kids in the estate like the idea of it, but you know the elders, I understand that they worry that more and more kids in the Gojo clan would prefer to work in civilian jobs rather than the jujutsu society. I'm still gauging on what extent this will benefit the clan but mostly it'll end up compromising some of the kids with higher potential with their curse energy."

Satoru placed the bowl with three slices of peaches in it.

"I'll drop by the estate training grounds tomorrow, have the kids come around for a light spar." He hums as you bite in the sweet fruit.

"What for?"

"They gotta be strong enough to defend themselves before leaving the nest." He shrugs making you raise a brow. "I'll bring Kou and Sai along, gotta learn whatever they can learn." He chuckles as he hears the kids running down the stairs.

WEEK 16: Avocado

"Honey?! Why didn't you tell me you're coming over? I could've sent someone to pick you up from the foot of the mountain." Satoru shuffled from his seat and rushed to the door where you were standing with a bento box at hand. "You smell so creamy." He buried his nose in the space of your neck taking a good amount of inhale before letting go and looking at you up and down.

"You can't keep me in bed all day besides walking is good for pregnant women." You scrunched your nose at how stuffy his office is. "I brought you lunch too, it's been quite a long time since I dropped by to bring you lunch."

Satoru excitedly opens the bento box you got.

"Oh!!! You made me a tako wiener!" He guffawed at the octopus-shaped sausages you added in the lunch box popping one of them immediately to his mouth and chewing with gusto. "I'm so glad you married me." Behind that blindfold, you could already imagine the puppy eyes he was giving you.

"What the heck?" You chuckled as he started to eat without sitting down.

"Y'know, I bought something for you later, but since you're here, lemme get it for you? Just, sit right here..." He guides you to sit on his super comfy and soft swivel chair while he grabs something from his small fridge hidden from plain sight by a sliding door. "I saw this in the convenience store earlier and thought about you."

He places three rows of sliced avocados in front of you with a small bowl of tuna flakes. Satoru sat on the table facing you—sitting on his chair.

"Just eat as much as you can, I'll eat the rest if you can't finish it."

"And you keep telling me to stay still? If you keep feeding me and not let me work, I'll be a whale." You pouted as you savored the avocado and a bite of the tuna flakes.

"No, you won't be, I'll have you exercise in the bedroom under my supervision." He winks making you kick his shin and he lets out a laugh. "Just kidding, don't be pouty my pretty Mrs. Gojo, okay?"

WEEK 18: Capsicum

"Before you judge me, I have my reason." Satoru took off his apron and sighed.

"Put that apron back on." You sighed, it's one of his tactics in distracting you... wearing nothing on top but just his apron and cotton pants, barefoot in the kitchen with his bedroom hair.

Hormones... You fanned yourself and looked away from the sight of his hard abs and pecs.

"No, and okay, I'll explain." He chuckles, leaning closer to give you a man's eye view of his pecs and abs ridge, stirring your attention on his body rather than the plate before you. "I wasn't sure what to do with the bell pepper, okay? I didn't know if you want to eat spicy food while pregnant so don't judge me if I made it a garnish instead."

"Love..." You bit your lips, you weren't angry or even annoyed, it's just that Satoru didn't happen to like your stifled giggle at his artwork. "You massacred the capsicum..."

"It's a flower! Look these are the petals and the spinach is the leaf." Satoru frowned, reasoning with you as he showed you the YouTube video tutorial, he based his work on. "It looks the same to me."

WEEK 20: Banana

"Banana for you, for me, for you, and you, and those two~" Satoru held two bananas and danced towards you while playfully aiming the banana at you, and the two munchkins cuddled beside you.

"Is it banana week now?" You chuckled and reached to kiss him welcome home as he bent down to accept your kiss with a wide grin.

"Well, our sunshines here must be as big as a banana now." Satoru kneels down and kisses your pointy belly. "You want banana shake, Honey?"

He strips off his dark turtleneck uniform leaving him in his white compression shirt, holding three bananas as he walks to the kitchen.

"Mama..." Kouki opens his eyes from sleep, rising from your lap still somehow a bit groggy.

"Hungry, Sweetheart?" You kissed his forehead making the boy beg for more as he clung to your neck.

"Mama..."

"Mnnn?"

"Mama, Mama, Mama..." He mumbled over and over, hugging you tight and burying his face in your neck.

"My Sweetheart needs some lovin'?" Kouki nods and whines. Your 5-month baby bump proves to be hard to hug your little boy closer so you opted to kiss his face all over and rub his back soothingly. "How was your sleep?" Lately, he's been so sleepy that it's worrying sometimes since he used to hate sleeping when his curse energy was all over the place.

"T'was nice... I dreamt of playing with babies all day... we'll sleep in the crib together... and..." Kouki hums. "It's a good dream."

"Really?" You chuckled before letting him go as he saw his Papa holding a tray of banana shakes.

"Papa!"

"My Kikufuku's awake! Gimme a kiss and a hug, fluffball." Satoru sets the tray on the table before sweeping off his son from your arms and throwing him up in the air giving you a small heart attack as he perfectly catches the boy and blows raspberries on Kouki's tummy much to the boy's delight.

You sighed. Boys will be boys. You satisfied yourself in sipping the banana shake while combing through Saika's long hair while she slept peacefully unbothered by the noise of her father and brother. Halfway through you'll also have your little ones in your arms, joining the huddle filled with love.

WEEK 22: Lebanese Cucumber

"I wasn't sure when I got this but I remember we could enjoy this together." Satoru squirmed a bit with his hand clasped over his stomach. "'s coldddd brrrrr!" He shivered.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not complaining." You chuckled as you put the slices of cucumber over his eyes. Beside him, Saika is lying on her father's leg with cucumber slices over her eyes too.

"You like it, Sweetie?"

"Yes, Mama, will I look pretty like you after this?" She asks confidently.

"You'll be pretty like me Cat." Satoru pipes up, blindly patting his daughter's head.

"I don't want Papa, Mama is prettier."

You could see the pout on Satoru's lips as he whines.

"But you have to take care of your eyes because I love that you and Papa have the same eyes."

That easily blew the pouting between your cats.

"Kouki don't eat that!"

No wonder your son was so silent he was already eating the bowl of cucumber slices behind the bed and ran away when you saw him taking the bowl with him as he laughed.

WEEK 24: Ear of Corn

"Grilled."

"Stir-fried."

"Grilled!"

"Kikufuku, it's better to grill corn."

"No, Papa, we need stir fry."

"Mama!"

"Baby!"

They chorused and looked at you.

"Me?" You look up from the corn pudding Satoru's mother sent over. You wiped your mouth and cleared your throat.

"Mama, I want stir-fried corn." Kouki immediately ran to you and hugged your leg, blinking up to you with his puppy eyes.

"Honey, grilled corn is better, I promise you." Satoru took off his blindfold and also flashed you his puppy eyes."

"Why don't you just make both? Grilled and the other stir fry?" You hummed.

"No way... I'm tired." Satoru pouted.

"Mama... I want stir fry, pleaseeeeeeeeee."

Really... you gotta do what the light of the house does.

"Let's have some corn soup. So, no one fights."

WEEK 26: Green Onion

"How are you feeling?" Satoru opens the door with a tray in his hand.

Your body feels so heavy and your nose is clogged up, to put it simply you're feeling under the weather.

"Must be from working in the backyard all afternoon." Satoru sets the tray beside you and helps you up to sit. "The kids are asleep, I need to go out for a bit for work, I'll be back by 9 o'clock." He gets the thermometer to check your temperature.

"38.2... should I change your fever patch?"

"No..." You shook your head and opened your mouth for the egg drop porridge he made with lots of green onions on top.

"Should we... go to the doctor? Or I can make the doctor come here." Satoru blows on the spoon before feeding it to you. He looks tame and gentle with how he cares for you.

"It's fine... it'll go down by tomorrow." Hopefully... your pregnancy with Kouki and Saika was fairly smooth, even though Saika was a bit harder without Satoru and that incident with the Tachibana Clan, still... those pregnancies were still easy compared to now.

You feel twice the effect at the same time, so much heavier that even walking for 10 minutes is physically taxing already. There are nights when you are simply restless, unable to sleep with the heat pooling in your body despite the full-blast aircon.

You tried to reach for your phone on the bedside when something constricted.

"Ouch!" Your leg stiffened as you tried to flex your feet.

"Lemme..." Satoru quickly put down the bowl and held your cramping feet, easing the muscles.

"Gently..." You hissed at the crawling tightness in your muscles as you gasped for air.

"There, there... still hurts?" Satoru looks up to you as he gently massages the muscles to loosen up.

"A bit..." a sigh left you as your cramps gradually subsided.

"Hey, Honey..." Satoru took you in his arms and rubbed your back. "It's okay, you're good. It's going to be alright."

You listened to the way he breathes, following Satoru's calm breathing as you also calm down.

"Will you come back soon?"

"Baby, I'll be back by 9 or even before 9," Satoru assures you, pressing kisses to your head. "Want me to bring you some fried chicken from that new kaarage place you mentioned last time?

You shook your head and stared at the bowl of egg rice porridge, and the glass with tall green onions inside.

"What's that for?" You pointed to the green onion.

"I asked Mom—your Mom—what to do with cold and she said to wrap a green onion around your neck, but I can't do that to you." Satoru grimaced at the thought. "So I put it in a glass and put it in your bedside so you can sleep better instead. Hopefully, it works."

"Did you really have to call Mom?" You can't help but find it amusing. 

"Of course, who else am I supposed to call?" He grumbles and feeds you another spoonful.

"Funny because remember that one time you got a really bad case of diarrhea?"

Satoru gave you a dry look at bringing that event again.

"What about it? It's not funny, that expired bread was so good even though it was already bad."

"That time I also called your mother what to do about you."

WEEK 28: Eggplant

"Mama, did you know that if Papa dyes his hair green he will look like an eggplant?"

You let out a strangled choke to keep the orange juice you are drinking from spurting out your mouth. Your daughter has another strange observation once again. You're sitting on the couch watching some horror movie together.

"Don't say that to your Papa, he will sulk." You hum as you eat the doughnuts.

"But he always wears his weird long uniform, he should wear our new shark onesies," Saika pouts.

"I think Papa looks very handsome in his uniform though." Makes it a bit easier to hide his body from any possible homewreckers. But you didn't say the last part.

"Papa! Mama said you look handsome!" Saika giggled and ran behind the kitchen wall where Satoru was grinning ear to ear his arms were on his back as Saika clung to her Papa's leg, giggling.

"You little snitch." You chuckled as Saika ran to hug you back on the couch and Satoru got on one knee before you and cleared his throat. He brought his hand forward and offered you a basket filled with eggplants.

"Will you have my eggplant?"

"What the heck?" You laughed and took the basket from him.

"So your answer?" He grins and caged you between his arms on the couch. Saika giggled and ran upstairs talking to her brother about having some stir-fried eggplant for dinner.

"You're so obscene." You chuckled at the three big eggplants in the basket. "It's a yes, isn't it obvious?" You cradled your heavy belly.

"Right..." Satoru laughed and kissed you. "Got you pregnant with my eggplant eh?"

You end up taping his mouth as you cook some fried eggplants for dinner.

WEEK 30: Cabbage

"You're buying too much."

You watch him keep adding to cart maternity dresses to the cart. It's the kind of dresses that cost above than what you would spend on clothes. You don't have to say much knowing how much he spends on his T-shirt which you don't complain much, Satoru spends a lot but he makes a lot besides the bank account used for the spending in the home is enough to maintain everything.

"But you will look cute in these dresses." Satoru hums his hand resting on your hips while the other scrolled through the iPad on his knee.

"You know that I won't get to wear that much anyway because I'm due in two or three months. Besides, my gifts from friends and family were more than enough." You lay your head on his shoulder, watching him scroll for a new baby clothes set.

"It's okay, we can always have them fixed so you can wear them after. But for now, as much as possible you can have as many dresses as you can choose from." Satoru kissed your forehead and added.

The doorbell rang and Kouki ran to get it followed by Satoru. When they went back they holding a grocery bag.

"For our sunshines and Mommy!" Satoru walks inside and Kouki runs to give you the long bag.

"What's this?" You chuckled seeing three big cabbages inside of the bag.

"We're having okonomiyaki tonight, like it?"

"Okonomiyaki? With cabbage?"

"Yes, just wait here, I'll make dinner."

You didn't complain as you watched him make his way through the kitchen, wearing an apron as he skilfully chopped through the ingredients he was going to use, soon Kouki came over to help with well, sneaking some bites of the carrots and shredded cabbage.

"We don't have a teppan." You sighed as you stood up, holding your heavy belly as you walked to them, kissing Kouki's head as you stood beside him.

"I'll use the regular pan." Satoru hums and finishes making the batter of the pancake.

"I can't wait for my baby sister and brother, Mama. Do you think they will like the squishmallow I bought?" Kouki kissed your belly and rubbed it gently.

"They will love it." You assured him.

Satoru gave you the first sample of his pancake which you took a bite and gave a thumbs up.

"It's very yummy, Honey."

"I promise I will be a good brother to you too sunshine..." Kouki rested his chin on your belly and grinned at you.

WEEK 32: Small Pumpkin

"I can't believe I'm currently having two babies this big inside."

You marveled at the small pumpkins Satoru gave you.

"How are they? Did they kick you or anything?" Satoru rubbed your belly and kissed you before bringing the three pumpkins he brought to the kitchen and went to the common bathroom to change.

"Not really, they were very good." You caressed your bump and smiled. "What are we gonna do with those pumpkins?"

"C'mere, Baby." Satoru pulled down his shirt and opened his arms for you. "Anything you want to do with it?"

"Mnn, not really." You inhaled his scent and gave him a thumbs up. He smells nice.

"Y'know my students are asking why I smell like the dishwashing liquid. And I have to explain that we don't have detergent liquid because I don't want them to know you don't like my smell."

You laughed, rubbing your face in his chest inhaled his scent, and put your hand on his waist making him squeal in tickles.

"Don't start." He bit your ears in exchange and hugged you tight before you could escape. "My mother sent a pumpkin pie for you, she said you called last time about wanting some pumpkin pie."

"She did?" You chuckled and looked at the side looking for the box of pie.

"Yeah, don't worry I tasted it and there's nothing in it just... pumpkin."

"What the heck?" You laughed. "Of course, there's pumpkin, last time Mother also made a coconut pie for me, it was delicious."

"Mama! Mama! It's so yummy!" Saika came running from the kitchen with some crumbs on her lips with her brother trailing behind holding a plate of the pie slice.

"You want one Ma?" Kouki offered you the slice.

You accepted the slice and ruffled your son's head for thanks.

WEEK 34: Cantaloupe Melon

"That's big..." You stared in awe at the cantaloupe he just brought home.

"Want a shake, Baby?" Satoru hums.

"Yes please, it's so hot here."

Satoru looked at the aircon already in full swing.

"Mnn..." Satoru pulled the blender out and started prepping the ice and cream. "Baby, I've been thinking... You're now close to your due date and we should probably stay in the Gojo Estate for now."

You look up to him.

"Or maybe in the hospital itself," Satoru added.

"I'm fine, Love..."  You sighed. "There could be someone more in need of the room I will be staying in the hospital and besides, I feel more comfortable in our home."

"But, Baby... this is not your usual pregnancy... I can't sit still at work worrying about you..." Satoru stopped making shake and walked over to you, holding your hand as he brought it to his lips. "Please? If you don't want the hospital, then the house in the villa... It's near the main house where the machines needed for childbirth are ready. 

"But I wanna stay here, I even starting a little cuddle nest here." Sure you did and it was in the kids' nursery room. You pouted and looked up to Satoru.

"I'll stay in the hospital three days before my due date or maybe in the villa, okay? If ever I feel something is off I will go there as soon as possible but not for now. Okay?"

Satoru sighed and nodded, accepting the peck you gave him.

"Okay... Still want that melon shake?"

"Yes!"

WEEK 36: Romaine Lettuce

"We're having yakiniku tonight!" Satoru held three bunches of romaine lettuce as he barged in the door only to find you on the couch with the two kids by your side holding two bags... the unmistaken baby bags he packed himself.

"Oh, what's this?" Satoru put the grocery bag on the table and looked at the three of you. "What happened, Baby?"

"We're having the babies I think~"

Satoru gasped and the two munchkins giggled.

"Then why are we still here?! Wait, where do you want to go? Hospital? Villa?" Satoru stood up.

He grabbed the bags and kneeled to put on your shoes.

"I don't think I'm going to give birth yet, besides my water didn't break yet." You held the hem of his shirt. "I will go to the hospital..."

You know more than anyone that this pregnancy and childbirth will be different from the previous one you had. You don't want to ever take the risk despite knowing Satoru will never hesitate to ensure all your needs are met, and yet it is better to be in the hospital since this is an uncanny situation you have...

"We're going now, kids you'll have to stay with your grandparents." Satoru barely listened as he called someone and soon enough the car rolled up to get you both.

"Satoru, breathe Love." You chuckle when you feel he's barely breathing as he holds you.

"I am. What do you think I'm doing?" He huffs. Sweat beads were forming on his temples

"I dunno, you're not breathing when you're holding me." It's one of the few times he's genuinely panicked for a bit.

"Right, doesn't matter, let's go." He huffs and closes the door.

"What's gonna happen to the romaine lettuce?" You raise a brow.

"I dunno! All I know is that's supposed to be the size of our baby coming out of you."

WEEK 38: Mini Watermelon

"Love, I want a watermelon."

"Baby, you're in labor." Satoru stood up from the couch offered by the hospital and went to your bedside. He took your hand in his. "I could go ask the doctor if it's okay..."

"We've been here since last week's Friday and it's Thursday now... I deserve to eat before my active labor starts Satoru."

You didn't have to tell him twice with how your eyes narrowed. He swallowed before nodding.

"I'll ask someone to buy—"

"No, I want you to buy it."

"Baby!"

"Sa.To.Ru."

"Fine..." His imaginary tail fell down and his shoulders slackened. "What if you give birth and I won't be there?"

"Do I look like I'm giving birth in the following hour?" You pointed to your belly as he helped you sit on the bed. "I feel like I could do cartwheels and the babies would still be sleeping in my womb. Besides, the watermelons are just in the cafeteria, just 10 or 20 minutes and you'll be back here."

Satoru looked at you doubtfully but followed your cravings.

"I'll be back, sit tight, okay?" He walks to the door, like a kicked pup. "You call me okay? Or the nurse."

"I know, I know, go already." You waved to shoo him out. When he's out you finally stand up, somehow walking around the private room for a bit to move your muscles. Kouki and Saika have been very excited to meet their sibling, especially Kouki who kind of remembers that you also had to stay in the hospital for some time before you gave birth to Saika.

Your OB doctor decided not to induce you at 36 weeks since your other baby who is still developing might be affected, instead, you all decided to wait it out since you are still in your prodromal labor. At this rate, you might even give birth at full term to both of them... It's 4 in the afternoon already.

You reach for your water jug on the table. It's a bit heavy. You drank a bit. Some spilled down... and some more... and more...

You looked down at your legs and the puddle of trickling water on the floor.

"Satoru!"

—GreyCaelum

PLAGIARISM IS A CRIME

Check out the Masterlist for more

All rights and credits of the Jujutsu Kaisen character(s) mentioned images(s) and songs(s) used, belongs to their respective owner(s)

General/Kaleidoscope Series Taglist: @ice-icebaby @aeanya @gummy-dummy @tender-rosiey @lexiene @nevermoresworld @loml-riri @pelicanpizza @emichou-chan @patat-gurl

[howtofightwrite]

Now you got me thinking...I've been thinking about writing a fic where the (in-universe) desensitization of violence for the main characters is a running theme. My main issue, however, is managing the violence within said narrative because, as you've said before, violence has diminishing returns. While I don't want it to be a gorefest from start to finish, I do want part of the horror to be having to engage in it, no matter what steps are taken to avoid it. If I'm not careful, I could end up with a weaker story for all the violence in it. What could I do to maintain this theme without it losing its impact due to these diminishing returns?

So, there's two different things going on here, and ironically, it's the same term, and mostly the same process.

When I'm talking about your audience becoming desensitized to violence, it's more that they become acclimated to the degree of violence you're comfortable with exposing them to. Again, “diminishing returns,” because as you expose them to more violence, they become more acclimated to that violence, and the shock value will subside. Similarly, the ability to build tension on the threat of violence occurring falls off when you're willing to engage in violence, but that doesn't mean you can't build tension, just that you need to be a little more careful about establishing those stakes.

Also, when most people write violence, they tend to establish implicit boundaries. It may be that only certain characters engage in violence. It may that certain areas are exempted from violence. At very mechanical abstraction, with some writers, you can tell when they've introduced a location that is exempt from violence. Even if you're getting into diminishing returns, violating these kinds of boundaries can keep the violence fresher than you'd expect. The formula of slasher films put a lot of effort into maintaining shock value by creating misleading boundaries that you'll pick up on and then violating them in new and novel ways.

Outside of some genuinely stomach churning violence, you're not likely to permanently move the needle for your readers. You're not actually desensitizing them to violence; just your willingness to depict violence.

I feel like I need to make a clarification: Too much violence doesn't mean the story will be bad. Normally, I offer advice with the assumption that you'll want to manage and maintain as much shock value as you can from your violence. However, that's not the only valid approach. That said, too much violence can cause your readers to disconnect from the work, so that is a legitimate consideration. Also, this doesn't mean the story loses impact. Unless the violence is the story, which is a somewhat weird edge case, violence won't necessarily reduce the impact of the story as a whole.

The example of slasher films, earlier, really does illustrate what I mean when I'm saying that lots of violence (even gratuitous violence) isn't going to necessarily mean that a story will be bad. (Though, this could spiral into a much deeper argument about the artistic merits of that genre.) To some extent, your choice of genre already starts to prepare the audience for a more violent experience. You're preemptively trading shock value for a higher baseline.

The second thing is your character being desensitized to violence. While there is something to be said for getting your audience into your character's head space to the point that they accept it as their own, doing that with desensitization to violence is extraordinarily difficult. (And, really, it's a tricky route to go in general. In most cases, the audience will simply assign whatever dissatisfaction they have onto you or the work, rather than realizing you were being clever.)

So, how do you show someone is desensitized to violence, without trying to simultaneously traumatize your audience? You show the consequences of that desensitization. This can show up in a character's sense of humor, their overall outlook. They may be more clinical about violence, more casual about its consequences (at least, superficially.) They might have an incredibly dark sense of humor, which might not come up most of the time.

In a larger context, a character who has been desensitized to violence may come across as basically normal, outside of a narrow band where certain concepts don't bother them. This is especially true with a specific brand of military humor, where violence has been rendered mundane for the individual, and the people they interact with on a regular basis.

Now, audience desensitization to violence can create a very weird situation. Where an absence of violence is more unsettling. Not because they're worried about what could happen, but because they're waiting for it all hell to break loose. It's one thing to simply call it, “tension,” but it is a very distinct kind of anxiety you can invoke, if you're careful. In the opening of a story, when the genre is clearly established, I've seen this compared to the ratchets on a roller coaster's first ascent. Everyone knows what they're here for, everyone's here for the ride, click, click... and then the lights go out, and the screaming starts.

I'm trying to make it sound easy, but violence is one of the more challenging things to write. That doesn't mean it's impossible, and you don't need to sit down and carefully sketch out every detail before you get going. The biggest thing to be careful of are that you don't want to overuse it, but you have a lot of flexibility to tell the story you want with the amount of violence you need to communicate that story.

Though, it might take a few tries until you get a tone you're happy with.

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. Patrons get access to new posts three days early, and direct access to us through Discord. If you’re already a Patron, thank you. If you’d like to support us, please consider becoming a Patron.

[surielstea]

Sunshine in the Shade

Based on this request

Pairing: Azriel x DayCourt! Reader

Summary: Reader can't stay in the night court for long when she's bound to day. Azriel and her have to share a goodbye.

Warnings: minimal angst but mostly fluff

A/N: sorry this took me so long to get out, I was struggling figuring out the concept of the original req, I'm still not very happy with it but I hope you guys enjoy nonetheless :) p.s I had to repost cuz my tags weren’t working, sorry if you were notified twice lol.

2.9k words

"That's a lie!" I throw a piece of popcorn at a giggling Morrigan. "Nuh-uh," She shakes her head with a big grin. "I'm The Morrigan I only speak the truth," She shrugs and I roll my eyes, clutching my bowl of popcorn to my chest as she claims 'I'm the prettiest girl she's ever seen'.

"Shut up," I scoff as she wraps her arms around my shoulders and hugs me close. "I mean it," She croons. "Azriel's a lucky male, don't you think Fey?" Her arms slip from around me as she turns to look at the High Lady. "She gets it from her Father," Feyre intoned with a mouthful of chocolate cake and I rolled my eyes at the mention of the High Lord of the Day Court.

It was late in the afternoon, so late that it'd be night soon. I shake my head, trying not to think about when the moon meets the stars. I stifle a sigh and lean on the railing of the roof atop one of Rhysand's many estates, staring out at the three males who were flying around each other like boys again.

When I was seven, my father was an apprentice for spell cleaving. He had been practicing warding spells when I had come into the room with a bright grin on my face excited to show him my new drawing. In a moment of distraction, his spell had shot straight into my heart, the effects irreversible. We hadn't found out the full extent of the spell until we had been traveling to different courts for meetings and as soon as the sun slipped from the sky and night began to rule, my heart stopped beating and I was hospitalized for weeks.

So I was only allowed to leave during the day, as long as I came back right before sunrise. A rule that made it impossibly challenging to see my mate, who happened to be darkness incarnate.

I take a sip of my wine as I watch Azriel soar with his brothers, a rare smile on his face that makes adoration bloom in my chest. "That boy loves you," Amren hums from beside me and I roll my eyes, tearing them away from my mate to look over at her. "No shit," I scoff and a snarky smile curves her lips. "No, he loves you," She murmurs, eyes on the three boys as they laugh amongst each other. "I've never seen him so happy in all the years I've been around him, don't ruin that," She looks at me and it's as if she can see straight through me to my bare soul, past the flesh and bone and to my inner core that held the truest version of me. "What do you—" I begin but I'm cut off by a gust of wind as a figure lands on the railing that I leaned on. "Fly with me," A familiar voice says as Azriel bends down and cups my face in his hands, forcing me to look up at him. "You won't pretend to drop me like last time?" I narrow my eyes on him, forgetting about Amrens words now that he was here, cradling my face. "Nope," He bites at his bottom lip like he always does when he lies to me. "I know you're lying," I sing and he grumbles a curse, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips. "Ok, promise I won't." He smushes my cheeks together. I can't help but put every ounce of my trust in him and believe what he says. I nod and he doesn't need any further consent than that.

He swoops me up into his arms and with a few beats of his wings, we were soaring up into the blue sky. I tighten my hold around him with a small squeal. I had a horrible fear of heights, it was foolish to be terrified of a few hundred feet in the air when literal monsters were walking amongst Prythian but it's something that's always affected me. With Azriel, though it was different, he loved flying so much, and that smile on his face beat any fear I had.

"I won't drop you," He promised. "I know, but," I look down, dread filling my stomach at the long drop. We were higher than mountain peaks. He pulls me closer to him. "Hey, look at me," He said and I obeyed, eyes pinned to his. "Don't look down, keep your eyes on me," He hummed and I nodded. "Feels nice, doesn't it?" He tilts his head I swallow thickly, still thinking about the ground that was so very far away.

"Hey, look at me," He repeats with more stress on his words and so I do, I look into his eyes, at the smile on his lips, the dimples on his cheeks. I feel the summer breeze on my skin and hear the laughter of my friends still on the rooftop. "I love you," I confess, hands loosening around his neck and running them through his hair. He smiled, beaming at the words. "I love you more," He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my cheek. I grin, then giggle as he dips down onto my neck, his nose tickling it. Cassian soars by with a large smile on his face. "No kissing and flying!" The Illyrian shouted over his wingbeats and Azriel's lips halted on my neck while I threw my head back in laughter, remembering the last time Azriel got too lost in kissing me and stopped flying momentarily, putting all of his attention to my lips instead. We dove for only a second before he regained consciousness. But ever since then, Azriel wasn't allowed to put his lips anywhere near mine while flying.

My head lifted back up and I looked at him with a loving smile, fingers coiled in his hair as he stared at me like I hung every star in the sky.

My breath hitched as the sun began to melt into the horizon. My smile faltered and morphed into a frown. "You've gotta go?" He asks and I nod with a pout, looking at him with saddened eyes. "The daughter of the sun can't stay in the night court for long," He murmurs, pressing a kiss to my temple as he navigates us back to the rooftop, leaving Rhys and Cass.

"I'm sorry Az, I want to stay," I say. "I know, it's okay my love," He places my feet down onto solid land and even if I am afraid of heights, I'd much rather be up in the air instead of down here, signaling my exit.

"It's only for the night," He shrugs, settling down onto the railing of the rooftop though despite his reassuring words, something in his gaze told me he wouldn't be sleeping until he saw me again. "Oh, Az," I crash into him with enough force to knock us both over the railing but he doesn't falter, only embraces me back as I hug him tightly. "Why don't you come with me?" I ask and he tilts his head down at me with a frown. "You know your father will kill me," He shakes his head. "I don't care, I'm nearly four hundred years old, I can do what I want," I say. "And I want you," I cup his cheeks, analyzing his features as if I'll forget them. "Except you can't," He murmurs with a sad smile on his face, his thumb pulling slightly at my lower lip.

My shoulders slump and I wrap my arms around him yet again, nuzzling my nose into his shoulder. "Fly me back?" I asked softly into his neck. My fear of flying was outmatched by another moment with him.

"I was planning on it," He pressed kisses atop the crown of my head but neither of us backed up, just staying in that warm, comforting position until the sun got too low in the sky and I knew it was time to go.

"Bye, guys! See you in a month!" I wave to the others with a fake grin across my features. They all bid their farewells with pitying smiles on their faces. "I'll miss you," Mor tangles her arms around me, tearing me from a disgruntled Azriel. "Not as much as I'll miss you," I sing, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Well now I’m sun-kissed," She holds a hand to where my lips were and I giggle, pulling away and going back into Azriel's arms who was grumbling something about the joke being dumb, but I knew he was just jealous.

"Alright, alright, let's go," Azriel swoops me off my feet and carried me bridal style before Mor could get another word in— then took off to the skies, the cool wind nipping at my cheeks as we rose above the mountain peeks and begin navigating south, in the direction my mate's flown me countless times. "Bye Rhys!" I wave to the High Lord as we pass him. "Awe is it that time already!" Cassian whined, soaring to his brother's side with an apparent frown on his face. "I'll be back don't worry," I grin over at him. "I have no doubt you will," He sighs then turns back without another word and joins a waving Rhys.

About twenty minutes of flying later I knew the sun was too low in the sky to be excusable any longer.

"Az I gotta winnow," I say tiredly, hand cradling the side of his neck. "You have to be tired, plus you still have to fly back," I explain and he shakes his head. "I could fly you around for days." He reassured and I frowned up at him. "You know I have to leave," I huff. "I know," He nods. I lean upward and press a gentle, yearning kiss to his lips.

"No kissing and flying, remember?" He mumbles onto my lips. I smile at the recollection, pressing my mouth harder to his. "I'll see you soon, okay?" I whisper and he nods with creased brows and an aching heart.

His scarred fingers dig into my thigh, searing his touch into me in case I ever forgot it. "Don't miss me too much, yeah?" I ask and he smiles weakly before uttering, "I'll try."

"I'll see you tomorrow," I sigh. "I'll be there to pick you up," He reassured and my grin faltered, then as a silent goodbye, I pressed my lips to his, holding his face with enough delicacy you'd think he was made of glass. His lips press harder onto mine. It wasn't lustful or hungry, but it was passionate and full of pining. "Love you, Az," I whisper into his mouth, and before he can reply I winnow away, leaving his arms empty with only the weight of my absence, the bond between us wearing thin as I return back to my native court, a place that no longer felt like home when every element I had of a real home was in Night.

I had winnowed right into the dining room of the Day Palace, my plate already on my spot at the table. "You're late," My father grumbled, I tossed him a glance. He sat at the head of the table, a girl half-dressed in his lap. "Gods, seriously Dad?" I shield my eyes as I grab my plate, deciding not to eat in front of something that would easily make me lose my appetite. "In my defense, I didn't think you were coming home," He shrugs sassily and I roll my eyes at his behavior. "Yeah whatever, goodnight," I mutter, getting to the large doors leading to the hall. "Will I see you tomorrow?" He asks before I can slip out. "Probably not, Az is coming to get me in the morning," I mutter and he utters a curse. "I never see you anymore," He whines childishly, making a small smile spread across my lips. "I'm sorry but my days are promised to him," I open the door wider. "Unless you're willing to let him join us for dinner sometime?" I offer and he scoffs. "I'm not feeding someone who stole my baby girl," He grumbled. "That's what I thought," I nod. "Night, Dad!" I call before slipping out the door, closing it behind me with a soft click.

I travel down the halls of the palace made of sunstone and opalescent glass, taking bites of my food occasionally but I wasn't all that hungry since I ate with Rhysand's inner circle less than an hour ago. I breathe a deep sigh as I finally arrive at my room, entering then kicking the door shut as I make my way over to my desk, setting my plate and fork down before going over to my armoire and pulling myself out of the lightweight dress I wore, slipping into a nightgown instead as I prepared myself for bed, light still in the sky.

My sleep schedule had been all sorts of messed up, I had the sleeping habits of a five-year-old. Waking up at dawn and going to bed at dusk. It was unfair of me to have Azriel spend every waking hour with me during the day but it was the only time I got to see him, I couldn't spend nights with him, and couldn't sleep in the same bed.

I huff as I slide onto my mattress, pulling the covers up to my chin as my black-out curtains do the best they can to block out any remaining sunlight.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and attempted sleep for at least an hour before I was finally able to drift off into a light slumber, knowing the sooner I fell asleep, the sooner I'd see my mate again.

——

I wake up to a light sound of thudding outside my window, then a drumming on the glass like someone was tapping against it. But I was on the highest point in the palace, the most protected and secured part of the entire court.

I sit up slightly panicked, but the tapping stops and I suppose it's my imagination, running my hands through my hair and blaming it on being overtired. But as soon as my head hits my pillow once more the sound returns. I spring up and crawl over to my bedside window, pulling up the blackout curtains with a confused expression.

My brows shoot to my hairline as I spot a familiar winged figure on the other side of the glass. I immediately open the window, pushing it to its highest point. "What are you doing here?" I question. "I missed you," Azriel shrugs and I facepalm. "Now scoot over, my wings won't fit with you right there," He gestures to me towards the end of the bed. "Are you insane? You're not coming in," I whisper shout and he frowns. "Why not?" He murmurs sadly. "My dad will kill you if he sees you," I grit out and he shrugs. Gods, I felt like a teenager sneaking my boyfriend in.

"C'mon sunshine," He sighs, his wings slowly flapping as to keep quiet. "We'll be gone by dawn," He reasons and I stifle a curse before moving out of the way and allowing room for him to enter. Shadows protect his wings as he pushes himself through the large window that he made look small.

As soon as he through I tackle him into a hug, pressing kisses along the side of his face. He chuckles, hand coming to the back of my neck. "Thought you didn't want me in here?" He taunts and I move away, looking down at him with a wide grin. "That was before," I shake my head, leaning down and wrapping my arms around his neck, lying atop him as if I couldn't get close enough to him. "Before what?" He scoffs. "Before you were in my bed," I reason. "But now you are and I don't ever want you leaving," I say into his shoulder and he grins brightly. "Have you slept?" I ask, twining my fingers into his hair. I feel him shake his head no and I internally sigh at his insomniac habits. "Alright, c'mon," I pull him up by the collar of his shirt, towards the pillows of my bed. He follows with a content smile, flopping down onto my mattress as I slip in beside him, pulling the blankets over us as I cuddle into his side, head on his chest, arm slung over his torso while he tucks me in close between him and his wing.

"How'd you get past the guards?" I perk up, looking at him puzzled. "I'm the spymaster, aren't I?" He smiles tiredly and I return it. "Not even the pegasuses noticed?" I say with a frown. "How are you so awake?" He asks, his hand coming to my cheek and I shrug. "I'm happy you're here," I explain and his grin widens, his scarred thumb pulling at my lower lip. "Go to sleep, I'll still be here in the morning," He reassured and I believed him.

I hadn't realized just how much I wanted this until I had it. His arms around me, shadows settling over us. We've cuddled before, on couches or daybeds, but nothing like this, not with the intention of sleeping. There was something so intimate about it, how he trusted me enough to fully fall out of consciousness with his arms wrapped around me.

I smile, a warm fuzzy feeling blooming in my chest. I lean up and peck beneath his jaw. "Goodnight, Az," I murmur. "Night sunshine," He softly replies and that was all I needed to hear before I faded into that familiar embrace of sleep.

General Taglist: @fxckmiup @olive-main @iluvyewman-blog @gaymistakeboi @glitterypirateduck @amara-moonlight @impossibelle @fauxdette @going-through-shit @glam-targaryen @cauldronboilme27 @sarawritestories @tele86 @rogerbarnesxx @azriels-shadowsinger @stinkinstuffie @sandramalikstyles-blog @sassyangel16 @lilah-asteria @starsinyourseyes @inloveallthetime @melsunshine @nighttimemoonlover @ireallywannasleep127 @cumuluscranium @adharanotfound @azrielsmate3 @aelincaddel @hiddlestonspassionsackx @dee-writes-smut @secretlyhers

Azriel Taglist: @coolepowersthings @lovely-giggles @quiettuba @ilovewarner45 @judig92 @tothestarsandwhateverend @je-suis-prest-rachel @call-me-a-fool @brieflyclassymortal @cherryjain17 @stqrgirlies-blog @chelsiemp @nyxbranwenn @dnfhascorruptedme @summerandsalt @annamariereads16 @thisiskaylin @itsbonniebabe @mp-littlebit @nickishadow139 @thestartitaness @azswife @mommyofkittens @thesillyyogourt @its-me-meg @pruvli @hdigditditdjgd @sourholland @unlikely-lovers-together

Comment a “💙” to be added to the general taglist!

Comment a “🖤” to be added to the Azriel taglist!

[letteredlettered]

Hi!! Out of curiosity, which MDZS character do u think about the most and why?

The answer is, without a doubt, Wei Wuxian.

Part of what makes WWX special to me is he feels really archetypal and yet the archetype doesn't actually appear in most of the western media with which I'm familiar. The archetype may be super common in eastern media or perhaps, more narrowly, Chinese media, but my point he feels singular to me and therefore interests me, and I'm familiar with mostly western media. The comparisons in this post are all comparisons to western media, since that's what I'm familiar with, and I tried to pick popular examples so that people would understand what I mean.

Wei Wuxian is a protagonist who does bad things. Very bad things. We see that in plenty of western stories, but it's less common in western fantasy. That is, you can read a million stories about professors sleeping with their students and making a very bad muck of their lives; you can watch Breaking Bad and The Sopranos, but more often in western fantasy you're going to have a Good Guy who does good and Bad Guys who do bad.

But, okay. There's certainly a significant portion of western fantasy in which no one is a Good Guy, and everyone is a little corrupt: Song of Ice and Fire, Interview With the Vampire. Wei Wuxian feels very different to me than the protagonists of these media, because Wei Wuxian is trying to be the Good Guy. He's well-intentioned. He is willing to stand against all of society to defy corruption and protect those who are weaker than himself. That kind of protagonist isn't very common in the kinds of "dark" genre fiction that are about the corruption of humanity or the political intrigues of society. If they exist, they're usually martyred and disappear from the narrative because they are too good for this world, too pure.

But the point of WWX is that he is not too good; he is not pure. He is good; he is brave; he is righteous; he stands up for the little guy--but he is also over-confident in his own ability. He overreaches. And people die because of it. Lots of people. And then, after he accidentally murders people due to losing control, he goes mad. The Nightless City massacre occurs not due to an accident but because WWX is careless and angry. He kills a lot more people then.

I will say that western fantasy is full of characters who turn to "the dark side. The threat of "going dark" has become, in fact, an integral part of most portrayals of the hero's journey. But in the media with which I'm familiar, when someone does go dark, they become the villain. They are not allowed to live, or if they live, they must still be vanquished. Star Wars is a quintessential example: Luke Skywalker is tempted by the dark side but resists; he is the hero. Darth Vader is tempted by the dark side and gives in. Even though he turns back at the end, he must still be eliminated.

Of course, there are plenty of villains who reform in such stories and then manage to survive. I think you could say that once resurrected, WWX is reformed in this way. He knows he lost control. He knows he hurt people. He's very sorry about it, and while he still has a drive to put his hand in to help others, I can't imagine him coming to the point where he would lose control again, and I also do not think he has the kind of anger or resentment that would allow him to be so careless and wanton with his cultivation again.

So, in this sense, WWX holds the place of a reformed villain, like Zuko or, say, Angel, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. One thing to note about both of these examples--Zuko is shown to be "on the dark side" because of the family and culture in which he was raised, and also, he was a child. Angel was "on the dark side" because he didn't have a soul. That is, the excuses for why these reformed villains were ever villains at all exonerate them to some extent.

Meanwhile, WWX was a villain because he was full of himself. Like, it's still understandable why WWX was a villain: he sacrificed all the power he had for someone he loved; he still needed power to protect his own life when he was being tortured, and this took him down a dark path; he needed even more power to help the world fight corrupt fascists; he was villainized by society even before he became an actual villain because that society feared and desired his power; he was literally ostracized and rejected by his own family for doing the right thing. But in the end, it wasn't like he had no other choice when he caused the death of JZX. He didn't feel like he had another choice to save the Wens, but if he had not been so over-confident in his ability to control himself, JZX would not have died. And while I find the massacre at Qionqi Pass maybe excusable considering the pressures WWX was under, WWX goes mad after that. Also understandable, but there is no way in which the massacre at Nightless City is excusable. There's just no way to say it wasn't his fault.

Okay, but there are some reformed villains in western fantasy who really were villains because they just made some wrong choices. They were arrogant like WWX, or they were petty and small, or they had a sucky childhood but nothing that should've led them into darkness. These characters do exist, but I find them few and far between (and I will fully admit here that maybe I just haven't read enough western fantasy to come up with enough examples). When they do show up, they are not usually the protagonist (Snape); they more often play side roles.

And the point with these guys is that they did bad things because they were not well-intentioned. Their intentions change, and therefore their moral alignment changes. But WWX was always trying to do good. It's only at the very end that he is no longer trying, and he loses his mind partly because all of his efforts to do good have flown up in his face. I just feel like I never get to see someone who was honestly trying to help people so earnestly, and fucks it up because he was trying to do too much. The closest example is Xie Lian, and I think we can all agree Xie Lian never becomes anything close to a villain.

However, now comes the trait that really does make WWX different from any other protagonists I've ever read, and most I've seen on screen: he is all of the above, a reformed villain who was well-intentioned throughout his descent into villainy, who doesn't brood.

Everyone I mentioned above--Zuko, Angel, Snape--are all very serious people who are consumed by their pasts. If they're not dour or bitter, they're still unable to be light-hearted or carefree. Meanwhile, WWX is the definition of light-hearted and carefree. He has a lot of regrets and some guilt, but he really doesn't dwell on it. Like, he fucked up. He died. How else can he atone? He knows he can't make it up to the people he hurt. Might as well move on and not get in their face about it.

In general, WWX's personality is unusual for the kind of hero he is. While it's true that the wise-cracking, smart-talking hero is a staple of western fantasy (Iron Man, Spider Man), these aren't the kind of heroes who can make the serious mistakes that WWX makes--or, though they do make mistakes that lead to the deaths of countless bystanders, they are never really confronted with the enormity of those crimes. I know that some people will say that WWX is not confronted with them either, that his crimes are not dealt with seriously enough in the text. I admit that I was very surprised that WWX blames the death of JZX on JGY during the final showdown in the temple. In the end, however, I think there are enough questions about whether WWX is actually a Good Guy that the story of MDZS seems quite different than, say, many western superhero stories, in which yes, superheroes do bad things and make mistakes, but are still ultimately our heroes.

But the other thing about WWX's personality that is unique for such a protagonist and also further distances him from heroes like Iron Man is this: WWX is pathetic. He's allowed to be pathetic, on quite a few occasions. He pretends to be a child. He pretends to be a damsel in distress. He purposely harasses and teases others in a way that is actively annoying to them. He's laughable. The closest parallel I can think of to how deeply WWX is willing to abase himself and annoy the fuck out of others in Deadpool, but the thing about Deadpool is that he is ultimately comedic. You know you're going to laugh if you're reading a Deadpool comic or watching one of his movies. Also, while Deadpool is a badass, need I remind you that WWX is the most powerful and the most feared person in the entire world, perhaps in all of history. The fact that WWX is as powerful as he is and still throws himself on people he likes and pretends to weep is only matched by Luo Binghe, but LBH is different in that his willingness to be pathetic is a tactic of manipulation. Meanwhile WWX is pathetic for fun; he likes to annoy people; he's ridiculous; he's laughable.

He's also lovable, but imo, like Deadpool and like LBH, I don't think we're always supposed to find him charming. We're supposed to recognize that these characters sometimes go too far for a joke. We're supposed to be annoyed at times, at least imo.

But in the end, we are supposed to like WWX. We're also supposed to feel really sorry for him and sympathize with him for what he did. He's an enormous woobie, while at the same time he massacred thousands and then laughed it off. Who does that? Who does it like the Yiling Lazou? When you add in the fact that he's super gay, but all his gay fantasies consist of farming and eating Lan Wangji's cooking and talking about fishing and keeping house, I'm just left asking, Wei Wuxian, who the fuck are you? Who the fuck can match you?

This is why I spend so much time thinking about this character. I can't actually wrap my head around him, and frankly, the way MDZS is told doesn't help. MXTX actually does not really get into WWX's head very much once he starts his path of demonic cultivation, and while we get some insights as to what is going on with him through flashback and his dialogue at the time, I am still somewhat in the dark about why he made the choices he did.

The only character I've ever encountered who even comes close to WWX is Spike from BtVS, and WWX is still on another level.

Lastly, I'll say that the relationship between Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng is another thing I have never witnessed in western media. It is so complex and interesting to me that I could make a whole post on it, which is why even though the answer to your question is by far Wei Wuxian, if WWX didn't exist, Jiang Cheng would win this question by a landslide.

[togglesbloggle]

In Defense of Bad Things

'Bad' here meaning mostly 'amateur'; stuff made enthusiastically by people at an unprofessional level. Art with visible gaps between what the artist imagined and what they achieved, products of flawed craftsmanship. I suppose everybody can appreciate them to some extent, it's a rare parent that doesn't put up their kid's drawings on the fridge in one way or another. But it turns out to be a fully general skill you can cultivate, and the more I do, the more I'm glad I did.

Partly, it's the teacher thing; finding delight in amateur work is one of the ways to find delight in the process of learning. Cultivating a love of striving-qua-striving can help make you a force for good in the world, as people start to feel safe trying to do things when you're around, even when their efforts are wobbly. You get to participate a little more in the process of atoms spinning themselves into ideas, even when there aren't any illusions about whether you're helping cultivate some revolutionary genius in the field.

And partly it's a fabulous way to build community. By necessity, our professional-level skills tend to be at the service of other people, performed for economic benefit; that's kind of how you get professionally good at something in the first place. When we're acting for our own sake, and among friends, most of what we do with one another is amateurish. I only cook middling-okay, I can't hold a tune that well, I'll never be a speed runner for anything. If you can only enjoy singing from the hundred best singers in the whole world, manufactured and polished by major studios, then you and your friends will sit shoulder-to-shoulder and passively listen to music. But it's so much richer an experience to sit face-to-face, actually singing together, even badly; you expose yourself to so many new ways to appreciate and respect one another, building relationships on what you've accomplished and not just by witty criticism or liking the same things.

And partly it's because some of the most powerful and innovative artistic experiences are in high-churn environments with low expectations and low barriers to entry, if only because those catch the passionate and driven young people that have been otherwise overlooked by our systems. The golden age of webcomics meant that a ton of the actual art involved was pretty lousy, but it also produced work that people still talk about today. D&D began as a profoundly unpolished collection of handmade rulebooks sold at cons in a plastic baggie. By the time these products of enthusiastic amateurs filter themselves through various levels of popularity and absorb mainstream cash influx, they're often risk-averse and missing a lot of the bold spark that inspired their fans in the first place; others will simply never drift towards the mainstream at all. I'm not saying you should be the person who goes out to dig through the slush piles of the internet looking for overlooked art, unless you want to be-- but sometimes a work of actual staggering genius also happens to be a Supernatural fanfic by a first-time author who's a little hazy on commas, and if that's a dealbreaker, you're going to miss out on some profoundly valuable experiences.

And hiding behind all of these things is, like...

Our appreciation of beauty has an odd structure, right? When things are done very skillfully, by brilliant artists with years of training, we can usually appreciate those accomplishments. And when we're looking at nature without human influence, and especially when we think very deeply about natural processes and understand them in context, we often rediscover that sense of beauty. There's just this bizarre hole in the middle where we declare things 'ugly'; as if a little skill is worse than none at all.

I really don't trust that gap. It feels like a trick my brain is playing on me, you know? It has me suspicious that a lot of what I consider 'ugly' or 'bad' is not a very direct experience of the world at all, or an informed judgment. That it is, rather, a declaration of (self-, social-) identity; a desire to be seen as a person of good taste, or as somebody who does things well, or just more primitively as one of the monkeys who is in the good-stuff-tribe and not one of the monkeys who is in the bad-stuff-tribe.

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading trigun in japanese 3 - "weirdo" and vash's pronoun switching

disclaimer: my jp reading posts are all for triangulation purposes and nothing else. scanlating mangas is tough work. @-@ i know this.

"Weirdo"

the word 'weirdo' in 2024 english carries connotations of neutral-bad or positive depending on the context of the speaker. depending on how one curates their internet space, weirdo often leans more positively with the same meaning as eccentric, but not always.

however, but in JP, "weird" is more specific and often negative. there's the well known, hentai 変態 (ie. deviant, pervert, freak, extremely negative in tone), and in this case, kimochi warui 気持ち悪い (gross, off-putting, bad vibes). eccentrics are more as 変人 henjin and carries a more neutral tone.

in this panel here papa nebreska uses 気持ち悪い in katakana キモチワルイ in reaction to vash busting his ass saving people and putting out of harms' way. vash's vibes are so off putting to this wanted man he's actually creeped out.

this is particularly interesting to me bc the english translation didn't end up portraying how utterly weird vash's mindset is fully. it wasnt until wolfwood points out how flawed vash's pacifist mindset do i get a proper frame of reference of norms in this world, but i might be having skill issues in english comprehension. ;w;

Pronoun switching

quick. 俺 Ore! 僕 Boku! 私 Watashi! they all mean "I", and there's 2 spectrum of expressions going on here thats commonly believed. 1st being Masculinity to Femininity. what's the 2nd?

the answer is... Rudeness/Assertiveness to Politeness. and gosh does vash switch a lot between Boku and Ore in the first 4 chapters of this manga lmao.

(to be clear, while i am aware of trans hc thats very popular in the fandom, im not at all diminishing or talking about gender expression specifically. im talking about what vash is presenting himself as in context.)

so to perhaps oversimplify this, in JP the idea of politeness and hierarchy is so super duper important, its very built into the language itself. and Japanese is a very high context language. if someone of a higher or equal standing uses "Ore", its totally fine. but if someone of a lower standing uses "Ore", they've committed a social faux pas.

as an obvious example, if a fresh new employee approaches his Boss with "Ore", he's potentially getting dressing down in the company. maybe in front of his coworkers. if this employee forgoes polite speech (keigo) and uses a too Assertive and Casual speech, they've Really Fucked Up and are one foot out the door.

this is also tied up in gender to some extent, hence why girls using Ore is incredibly uncommon, but guys would use Watashi in certain contexts such as talking to their Boss. (woo woo the forces of hierarchy/patriarchy... or something.)

so. vash switches his pronouns for the same effect. when he uses Ore, he's making himself sound more assertive and confident. when he uses Boku, he's often making himself sound less threatening, smaller, open, and trying to avoid conflict.

sound familiar?

bc if you translated all of that into a character design instead of relying on just jp pronouns, we'd get TriStamp Vash.

slight spoilers, but this is even true in one of the tensest moments between vash and wolfwood, where the latter provokes vash and tears into his pacifism ideology. vash sticks with boku in this scene as he says his piece.

if he ever uses watashi, it's bc he wants to be polite straight out of the gate with an air of formality. (this is japanese manners and the proper approach to talking to strangers. mainly to get a feel for each others standing without offense until context changes.)

i also wanna point out maybe something obvious here but.

real life pronoun switching in japanese is a COMMON thing. no one ever really sticks to 1 pronoun bc of Good Manners and the aforementioned hierarchical systems in place. it is only mostly in anime/manga and video games where characters overly prefer 1 due to this being a good shorthand for characterization. this being how rude or polite they are, and in some cases, Gender.

[argumentl]

Fan-translation

Phy.25 Kaoru Interview (April 2024)

(Interview by Hasegawa Yukinobu)

ーAlong with the new single 'The Devil In Me', you have also recorded self-covers of your songs 'Cage' and 'Yokan'. Had you already decided to do this at the time you were making your previous release '19990120'?

Yes, we had. The idea behind the last release was originally in part due to our 25th anniversary, but we also thought it would be a good chance to reconnent with those people who had been fans of Dir en grey in the old days, but who had since drifted away. But we couldn't just re-release the old songs and then be like, 'Ok, thats it'.

ーYou have to get those returned fans to listen to your new music too, right?

So, we made 19990120 and planned to release a new song straight after, but as for what to include for the coupling tracks on the new song, we decided self-covers of Cage and Yokan would be good.

ーYou re-recorded the 3 songs from your debut release for 19990120, but following this, you went for your 4th and 5th singles. By the way, I personally found it very emotional that the band chose to re-record Yokan.

Did you?

ーI think you know this, but I've loved Yokan since way back....You know that, right?

Uh, no. I didn't know that (lol)

ーDo you remember that whiteboard there used to be backstage at Studio Coast, you would use it to decide the setlist? There were magnets with song names taped onto them, and you would use them for deciding that day's setlist. I once even tried making some magnets for Yokan and Akuro no oka, and sticking them on the whiteboard myself. Thats how much I love those songs (lol)

Oh, yeah, I remember that. (lol)

ーAnyway, regardless of that, looking back at these songs from the time of your debut, I really felt the Dir en grey of 1998. How did you approach your next moves in terms of sound back then?

Back then? Well, for the first three songs, they needed to have a big impact. Then following this, the singles Cage and Yokan had the restraint of being tied to a major label. We had to figure out how to make melodious but also interesting songs.

ーMaking songs with a major label?

Thats how it always goes, right? And record companies want follow up singles to have just as much punch as the debut single. So thats the kind of situation we were in making Cage and Yokan. But within ourselves we were also making them with the album in mind.

ーNot as stand alone singles?

This was our first full album as a band, so I wanted to include a lot of songs. With 5 singles included they had to be songs that would fit well with the other songs on the album. I remember having this in mind while making Cage and Yokan.

ーA lot of visual kei came out in the second half of the 90s, but in 1999, with your first album Gauze, I really got the sense that the members didn't want to fit into that typical band mold.

At the time, we were just so driven we didn't mind being seen as unorthodox. To put it in an extreme way, it was kinda like, 'As long as we make an impact, who cares about the music!'.

ーDynamite Tommy's band 'Color' had a similar outlook. They would say in interviews, 'We are an unorthodox band!'. Maybe you were influenced by him? (lol)

No, I don't think that has anything to do with it (lol). But at the time, there were not a lot of bands with flashy visuals. I mean, there were in the following generations, but in our generation visual kei was mostly bands wearing fancy suits. With us, there was a part of us that just wanted to be different, I think thats reflected in the songs too. Whether it was the single, or the label, whatever...we just wanted to do something out of the ordinary (lol). Also, we knew that our producer at the time Yoshiki, would make it sound good for us in the end.

ー Were you aiming to get to the top by being out of the ordinary?

No, not really. I wasn't thinking about the songs selling to such an extent while I was making them. Of course, I still thought this band would sell records, but part of me also thought 'How weird for this kind of band to be big'. So instead of aiming for the top, I just aimed to make interesting work. But of course, being with a major label at the time, we would have requests come in regarding the lyrics and the music. And the more I hear this kind of thing, the more I just want to go in the complete opposite direction. These were the circumstances in which we created Gauze. So at the time, I thought to myself 'After this I'm never gonna make another album like Gauze'. (lol)

ーYou wanted to be more free to make it in your own way?

Well, actually its like this every time, but whatever I make, even if I put my all into it, I always look back with some regret wishing I had done parts of it slightly differently. So after Gauze, I did think that I always want to surpass my previous work each time. Nowadays, its less about surpassing, but more about finding something different to try.

ーTo surpass=to deny your former selves, so the band underwent some changes, didn't it? I think the turning point came in about 2005 when the band began overseas activities.

Yeah, we went overseas and I think thats when we realised the importance of just being ourselves. Foreign bands stand on stage unashamed of who they are and what they do. There is a purity to it. So for us to chase our goals, I realised it wasn't just about surpassing ourselves, but also being more defiantly ourselves.

ーWere you not as self-confident before that?

Before that there was a lot that we simply didn't understand. From making music, to playing lives, finding ourselves was like fumbling through fog, grasping at things bit by bit. Eventually I realised this was our way of trying to reach our goals. So even just standing on stage, I would still feel a bit unsteady in myself. But going over there and playing lives, I felt more grounded. I realised its ok to just stand there, even completely stripped bare, and just to be yourself.

ー That realisation, yeah.

It was the right time to realise it. Maybe thats why we discovered how to show what was truly within us at that time. Our heavy sound wasn't just a result of lowering the tuning or using a heavy amp.

ーYeah.

I can't really explain it well, but its not about searching for something that is missing, the important thing is using what you have inside you. Whatever comes out from inside the 5 of us is good enough. For example, if you look at Shinya drumming, he doesn't seem like he has a heavy sound in him, but its HIS sound, so its ok. I don't want to change or manipulate it, the band sounds the way it does because of that. Rather than wanting something more, we should be a band that uses each member's sound just as it is.

ーIts great to acknowledge each member like that.

That's all we can do.

ーThats how a band should be, but bands are also groups of people with strong egos. There are also times when too much self assertion leads to failure.

Well, we have had times like that, in the 25 plus years we have been together. But I feel like we are where we are now because of that. You could say that we are similar now to how we were at the time of our debut....because we didn't know how to make music then, but we were just being ourselves. So its kind of interesting for us to re-do these old songs now.

ーWhen you look at these songs which you made 25 years ago, did you feel like they were interesting songs?

I feel like I tried hard to make something interesting. I just had an idea of what I wanted. But the gap between that and the reality was huge, so I constantly felt bad about it. I was remembering this during the recording.

ーDid you feel nostalgia for your young self?

Well, I still worry about things like I did then. I still get stumped when something feels a bit off when writing songs, but now I prioritise discovering what I have in me.

ー 'What you have in you'.....could it be...'The Devil In Me'!? (lol)

Hahaha

ーAs for the new single, what kind of image did you have for it?

Well, I discussed it with the members, but even before that, I had a vision of what would be good for our next move. But if it turned out exactly as I had envisioned, it would be less fun. So the members' opinions are really important.

ーIts a song unlike any you've done before. Its less about developmets or structure, but it really establishes each member's presence. Does this song represent the band's style going forward?

Yeah, its a different style than we've previously had, but I think its ok to keep it simple. Its a chemical reaction between the members. That's what the band depends on. Its not about who does what, its what do these 5 members each make you feel. Even a song which I'm not playing in is ok, if you feel that I am.

ーThats impossible (lol)

No, its not (lol)

ー But I feel like this is the territory you have arrived in after 25 years.

I think thats the type of thing that will make the band more interesting. How can I say it, we don't even have to make it weird, it just has to sound like us. We have over 100 songs now, right? Before we would try to cram stuff into a song to make it sound like us, but now we don't have to intentionally do that. In other words, its something thats easy to convey. Something that you can feel the presence of the 5 of us when you hear it. This will feel different depening on each listener, but thats how we are doing it now. And its the same for our new song too.

[amerricanartwork]

What's up with 12th Council Pillar, the House of Braids?

Just wanted to share something interesting I noticed in Metropolis while looking at the room names on the interactive map! I doubt I'm not the first person to discover or take interest in this, but nonetheless now that I'm into the worldbuilding for this game, both canon and headcanon, I hope to at least encourage a discussion about what the rooms I found could possibly be for!

*Oh and by the way, spoilers for Artificer campaign, just in case.

Alright, so I was originally looking for how to get to a specific room for an Artificer expedition, but decided to browse around on the map just to refresh my memory on the region overall. Right off the bat I think it's interesting how this region's rooms are denoted mostly with lexical names rather than the more common "Capital letter + 2-digit number" formula. But scrolling to the right is where my interest really got piqued when I saw this name for the room right before that long corridor on the way to the 12th Council Pillar, the House of Braids, labeled "LC_templegate":

And the next room after that, "LC_templeentrance" confirmed my realization that this was a temple of sorts:

Now don't get me wrong, Rain World has always had a fair amount of religious associations, and even just the name "12th Council Pillar, the House of Braids" gave me the impression from the first time traversing it that it was once some high-esteemed, holy location of sorts. But I guess that never really sank in and captured my greater interest until now.

Part of that's because earlier I was focused more on just completing the campaigns from a basic playthrough perspective, not yet as big on uncovering every little lore detail, and another reason I didn't really take it in was that, at the time of my first Artificer playthrough, I wasn't as big on headcanon worldbuilding and trying to uncover/imagine Ancient culture and society outside of very general ideas. But now I think about it, another major part of this lack of realization was because of how the main rooms of this subregion that stuck out in my mind were the low-gravity iterator-esque zones. Many of which are explicitly labeled with "LAB", like this one, and they even have the same neurons, inspectors, and/or those gravity-distorting spheres:

I mean, that cube at the bottom even very strongly resembles an iterator puppet chamber!

But then the questions become: what are these rooms for, why are they so similar to the interior of the iterator they sit atop, and why put them in what seems like it was supposed to be a temple? And by extent, is this something unique to Five Pebbles, or do other iterators have similar temple-labs somewhere in their cities?

I guess the reason these parts stuck out to me more than the actual temple association was because 1.) we don't see this low-gravity mechanic and these features anywhere else in the game besides inside the iterators, so it already gets points for uniqueness, and 2.) they're such a great contrast to everything else within Metropolis; even the "temple" rooms still look very similar to the rest of the region in their general aesthetic.

Seriously, what's up with all this "lab" stuff? It's not that I haven't seen these things before at this point, but why are they here, in a temple, of all places?

However, I do really like this idea so far, as I believe it speaks to a theme of Rain World I really enjoy: the seamless blend of science and spirituality. I enjoy seeing fictional worlds where "magical" things are not only objectively real, but have a scientific in-universe explanation, and/or are employed to create magical technology, yet in a way where these two ideas can exist in harmony rather than seeming like opposites. And the Ancients seem to have been very big on that, not only having a very strong cultural sense of spirituality but also being very technologically advanced, and incorporating those spiritual ideas and even elements of the world into their tech (ex: mass rarefaction tech derived from Void Fluid, an objectively real and "magical" substance with direct connections to their religious beliefs).

I have yet to come up with an explanation for what these iterator-esque lab rooms are (and on that note why they so strongly resemble iterator interiors, to the point they even contain their neurons and inspectors, which are supposed to directly aid in their functions). But as of now, just going mostly of basic gut instincts, my current theories are: A.) they exist in the temple so that whatever scientific endeavors carried out within were blessed with a sense of "holiness" in a similar manner to the holy ash Pebbles talks about, and B.) whatever tasks they were used for was one entrusted to the clergy class of this city, probably because the tasks were seen as something very important and connected to the Ancients' spiritual beliefs.

However, as I said I'm hoping to invite discussion with this post. Figuring out the Ancients' design philosophies and intentions for their creations has been a passion of mine when it comes to my headcanons, so I really do want to see if I can find a more concrete, or at least reasonable answer as to what the overall purpose of the 12th Council Pillar, the House of Braids was. Therefore if anyone has any extra details or theories as to what it was, I'd love to hear them!

And if you made it to the end, thanks for listening to my little spur-of-the-moment ramble!

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

Hey

Want to know your opinion, how would you improve some arcs of toh characters, like Amity, Hunter, Lilith, Willow, Gus and probably anyone whose arcs you think are bad-written?

good question! let's see,

luz: i have mostly no complaints about her character but i wish they made it clear that her running off to the boiling isles was not ideal. i don't entirely blame her because she was a child and she was looking for a way to avoid going to camp, but the show starts off implying that luz's escapism was a bad thing, but then they kinda contradict that in the end, by letting her have access to the boiling isles forever.

also her s3 arc with her palisman was just overall poorly written. it was supposed to be an emotional and wholesome moment but it didn't have that impact on me. if luz's greatest wish was to be understood, they should have built on that more. i mean, it's not like no one understood her, all of her friends and found family in the boiling isles seem to understand and empathize with her. it just felt like the writers pulled this revelation out of their asses, and the fact that stringbean was inexplicably a shapeshifter didn't help their case.

amity: i would keep some parts of her initial characterization, like her ambitious nature and her resting bitch face energy. even if the idea was to make amity grow into a more cheerful person, it doesn't make sense that it happened so quickly. imo her characterization was at its best when she was warming up to luz but not entirely nice to other people (like during the grom episode). i really liked her cold, standoffish behaviour and i think it would have been nice if she had kept some of that, while still being a better person than she was in the beginning.

also, like i said in another post, she should definitely have goals of her own. her character shouldn't have been reduced to "luz's girlfriend". i would definitely show more of her interacting with the other characters (and these interactions and conversations aren't about luz) and pursuing her own dreams. i think steven universe did this best where connie liked steven a lot and she did hang out with him, but she also had her own life and her own dreams to chase.

hunter: i wouldn't put him in a relationship with willow, or anyone, for that matter. the poor boy has a lot of trauma he needs to work through and based on the stuff that he's said, it's clear that he doesn't know how healthy human interactions work, let alone a romantic relationship.

i would make his arc about slowly healing through his trauma or at least being able to express his emotions, instead of suppressing them for willow's sake. i think it could have been done, despite the time crunch. he needed time to grieve flapjack, to grieve himself after being possessed and almost killed by his abuser, and to slowly start his healing journey.

the others would definitely support him through it, but that's what he needs at the time, not a badass girlfriend.

lilith: i think her redemption arc started off okay but then everyone forgave her too quickly. it wasn't as bad as catra's because lilith did put a little effort into trying to be better, but she still needed to do more before she could have been forgiven.

so either i would extent her redemption arc and let the other characters, especially eda, stay mad at her a little longer before she gets forgiven. or i would just keep her as an antagonist.

they didn't even explore her trauma of being in a cult and the emperor's coven never chased her down after she left. not to mention, her experience of being in the emperor's coven is never relevant to the plot. she could have given luz inside information or talked about belos' potential weaknesses, it was such a missed opportunity.

willow: her arc with amity was not terrible and i like that she was allowed to take her time to trust amity. this is more about amity than willow but i think it would have been nice if we saw amity making more efforts to gain willow's trust. her apology in understanding willow was good but they kinda glossed over the fact that amity wasn't just "letting her friends bully willow", she was also bullying willow.

i think we needed more of willow and amity trying to mend their friendship, instead of lumity being the main focus after that one episode.

and in general, willow deserved a bigger role in the series. for the longest time, she was just luz's friend and then they forced her into a relationship with hunter, which did not work at all.

if her intended arc was to work on her insecurities and get more confident over time, they should have shown more of that process. even Any Sport In A Storm was mostly about huntlow (and hunter, to some extent) then willow. and let's be honest, the whole "half a witch" thing was dragged out more than it needed to be.

gus: okay, buckle up because i think i have the most grievances with gus. i need to make this clear. GUS WAS SO UNDERUSED.

i'm sorry. this guy is a child prodigy who can create illusions and use illusion spells to look into people's minds and force them to relive their worst memories?? why was this not more relevant to the plot? gus is such an insanely skilled witch and yet he's always pushed to the back for some reason. he has the most versatile and useful skillset but he never gets to use it, it makes me so mad!

even him looking into belos' mind was only used for that brief moment where he admits that he knew hunter was a grimwalker, but didn't want to force hunter to talk about it. that's it. we get no further conversation about it, gus never addresses the other stuff he saw in belos' memories like him MURDERING his brother and creating all the grimwalkers and god knows what else??

also just the fact that he's able to psychologically torment people with illusions is such an OP move that the series just kinda glossed over. it was used in a few episodes, but it could have been used to a greater extent. i just think that gus could have been such an interesting and powerful character, if he was given enough spotlight.

he also had a good thing going with mattholomule but instead of making that canon, they went for huntlow. i'm not saying that gus has to be in a relationship (or any of them, for that matter) but why create a new rushed ship when you already have a perfectly good one to work with?

i also find it weird that gus and willow were supposedly best friends but we got very few moments between them. i would have loved to see more of their friendship, and more focus on platonic relationships in general.

so yeah, if i were to rewrite gus, i would definitely give him a lot more spotlight. heck, given his powerset, he has the potential to be the main character even!

belos: i've mentioned it a lot before but belos deserved a more climatic end to his arc. all of the implications of religious trauma and puritan culture was thrown in the trash in s3.

he was actually such a compelling villain, genuinely intimidating and with an interesting motive and backstory. what was the point of crafting such an interesting character, just to be like "lol he's evil murder his ass"?

i'm not even mad that he died, i'm just mad that THAT'S how he died. i was expecting his death to be something ironic and self-inflicted, like the people from the human realm being horrified by him and killing him. maybe even burning him to death, the same way witches were burned at the stake. buuuut no, we get king, raine and eda stomping on his corpse because haha that's funny. hunter didn't even get to be a part of all this, and he was the one who deserved closure, he was the one who deserved to see his abuser face consequences of their actions, not fucking eda and raine.

and that part where he tries to convince luz that he was just under a terrible curse was just.. so childish. and not in-character childish, but just childish writing. it was just so ooc for belos, he is a manipulator but this wasn't how he manipulated people. i guess you could argue that he was just too desperate to survive but eh. i think it could have been written better.

eda: i don't have too many complaints here, i think she was probably the most well-rounded and compelling character in this show. her arc about the owl curse was interesting and very relatable to me, as someone who is epileptic. her relationship with raine was the best in the series imo.

the only thing i would change is, as I mentioned earlier, i wouldn't make eda forgive lilith so easily. i also think that she kind of lost her "morally grey parental figure" edge by the end of the series, and i honestly liked that part of her a lot, so i would keep it. but that's just a personal preference.

raine: they were definitely a very interesting character, i just think they deserved more screentime. most of their role in the story was surrounding their relationship with eda, which was very compelling, but we could have gotten more of their character outside their relationship.

the members of the emperor's coven, as a whole, could have been used better in the series. but for a side character with medium relevance to the plot, i'd say raine was written pretty well.

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is: indelicate/@steddielations ! They have 13 fics in the Stranger Things fandom and all of them are in the Steddie tag!

lees_musings recommends the following works by @steddielations:

A Cup of Good Intentions

Trouble Looks Good On You

Wrap Me Around Your Finger

"their fics are so heartwarming and tender, i read them like comfort food"

"a cup of good intentions was the first steddie fic i read, it has a little velvet box in my heart <3" -- lees_musings

Below the cut, @steddielations answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

They’re just a really fun ship that you can do so many different things with. Just guys who need some healing and loving and I like giving it to them!! Also I see a lot of myself in both Steve and Eddie, so there’s some catharsis in writing them too.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

Friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, friends with benefits

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

The same as above definitely

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

These are all phenomenal and I think about them every day, they truly stick with me METAMORPHOSES by fastcardotmp3 A Certain Type by ann_anotherthing Sugar on my tongue by deadratz shake and sway me through the night by Craftnarok

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I feel like I’ve written all the canonverse stuff that I wanted to now, so I’m excited to try out some au’s. Maybe once I finish up my current wips, I have this batman Steve and comic book writer Eddie idea that’s been in my mind forever now

What is your writing process like?

I brainstorm by writing down all the ideas I have for a particular story, then I try to organize it into a plot. Sometimes I just plan scene by scene, but I always write the dialogue first and then build around it.

Do you have any writing quirks?

Usually the best things aren’t added until I’m editing at the end, going back and doing finishing touches. Like with Trouble for instance, I didn’t add the kitchen conversation or the porch swing conversation or the joking scene with Gareth originally, it was all stuff I just decided to add when editing. Same for a lot of my fics, usually the things I get comments about the most are things I almost didn’t add.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

I’m the worst at scheduling and posting so whenever it’s done is when it goes up

Which fic are you most proud of?

I’m most proud of Bleed Me Dry Before You Go because it’s the fic that I was really able to put the most of myself into.

How did you get the idea for Trouble Looks Good On You?

Well I knew I wanted to write a sub Eddie discovery fic, and honestly this just started as like a gag, just thinking about Steve’s jock habit of slapping asses and what would happen if he did that to Eddie, and that’s what awakens it. Then it gradually became something more serious and more thoughtful. I wanted to explore more of Eddie having this past where he’s had bad experiences with certain dynamics, and what it would mean for him to be comfortable enough to get to explore that side of himself with Steve.

When writing Trouble Looks Good On You, what was something you didn’t expect?

It started out as mostly crack so I didn’t expect it to become my longest, most character involved fic. Also I didn’t expect people to read it or like it because it was mostly for myself, so I’ve been very pleasantly surprised and grateful for the response to it.

What inspired Wrap Me Around Your Finger?

I realized I hadn’t written a virgin Eddie fic, and at the same time I wanted to explore more of what Eddie’s aftermath in Hawkins would be like, the full extent of his injuries and his reputation in the town, and maybe Steve helping him out, so it all meshed together. I worked on this for like a year so it had many phases, but adding in some Flight of Icarus lore also inspired me to make Eddie more gritty in this, very stubbornly attached to his independence, and I just love the depth it gave him in that fic in the end.

What was your favorite part to write from Wrap Me Around Your Finger?

Definitely all the banter, especially during the smut scenes, love a silly smut scene. Also can’t forget “I made sure there’s no stairs”

How do/did you feel writing A Cup of Good Intentions?

I cried so many times writing that. I just put myself in the position of Eddie and Wayne, thinking about my relationship with my dad. It was cathartic just writing that familial bond between Eddie and Wayne, and how deep that love goes through mourning and missing each other and then actually getting to reunite. It was an emotional one.

What was the most difficult part of writing A Cup of Good Intentions?

The fic had several different tones from grieving to yearning to suspense and also fluff and romance, so it was hard to blend that all together and make it flow without whiplash. Not sure if I succeeded but it was hard to do.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

The cold open in Trouble, where it sounds like they’re hooking up but they’re actually moving an amp, probably the most clever innuendo unfolding I’ll ever make

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

I’ve got some stuff for sub Eddie week but after that I’m just focusing on finishing up Trouble finally

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

At the moment that I’m writing this, I don’t know who nominated me, so I want to say thanks so much to that person!! I’m so flattered and I appreciate it!! Also to anyone who reads my fics, thank you genuinely. And to the mods of this blog, you’re all awesome for doing this and you’re so appreciated in the fandom!!

Thank you to our author, indelicate, and our nominator, lees_musings! See more of indelicate's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[zykamiliah]

relationship status: crowley and the bookshop, aziraphale and the bentley

apparently it won't leave me alone unless i write it down so here it goes: the way aziraphale treats the bentley and the way crowley treats the bookshop are metaphors about the status of their relationship and, to an extent, how they relate to each other

i mean yeah that was kind of obvious at the moment i was watching episode 3, but i didn't realize the implications of this particular metaphor until much much later (bc i didn't binged the season), after i watched the end of the last episode.

so here it goes!

i have no idea of other people have already talked about this, in which case i won't apologize since writing down this is part of my post-s2 coping strategies

crowley and the bookshop

crowley doesn't live in the bookshop per se, he doesn't rest there, he doesn't put his plants there, but it is where he spend a good chunk of his time. he's comfortable enough to takes off his sunglasses , meaning he's comfortable being himself there (mostly); the bookshop his anchor, and his world revolves around it.

what's important here is that when tasked with taking care of it without supervision, guarding it and its contents, he changes nothing about it.

i mean he's a bit careless with some books (don't throw them around ahhh!!) but for the most part he does nothing but to keep things as they are. he doesn't try to sell the books, he doesn't rearrange or change the furniture. the one time he does is after the whole business with heaven and hell and gabriel and beelzebub going off together, and he just puts everything back as it was before the party.

crowley loves the bookshop as it is, the same way he loves humanity as it is, the same way he loves aziraphale as he is. he doesn't want aziraphale to change. he takes care of him, helps him with everything he asks of him, is very protective of him; however in the same way he doesn't technically live in the bookshop and isn't a bookseller ("not even at gunpoint"), he has never said how he really feels about aziraphale, despite what his actions indicate.

crowley's love steadfast, and quiet, and there, but never fully realized. same as their relationship. aziraphale has let him in, but not completely. and crowley hasn't dare to take more space than he is allowed, because he doesn't want to lose what they have.

aziraphale and the bentley

in a mirror of how he relates to crowley, aziraphale asks the bentley to do things for him in that kind, authoritative way of his, and they get along fantastically. however when getting unsupervised alone time with the bentley, aziraphale proceeds to change its color, the music it plays, and even adds things to its interior. in its essence, the bentley remains the same, but its make up gets swapped for what aziraphale would like to see, what he thinks it's nice.

the bentley indulges aziraphale, because just like its owner, it's head over heels with him. it'll play aziraphale's music of choice without complain, it'll change his own color and go as fast as aziraphale likes it (which is veeeery slow), and it'll follow him around like a puppy; that's how much the bentley loves aziraphale.

crowley has to scold and demand and threaten aziraphale to get him to change the bentley back. and aziraphale is forced to comply, not because crowley asked, but because his own books were on the line. mercifully, he doesn't try to change the bentley's appearance again, though he still asks it to play him music that isn't beepop.

in retrospective it's glaringly obvious what this is about, which is: aziraphale thinking that crowley should be an angel. more specifically, that since crowley is good, and knows right from wrong better than aziraphale, it must mean that deep down crowley is still an angel. aziraphale just needs to bring it out, to make it happen.

but thing is, i don't think aziraphale realizes that crowley (and the bentley) being good to him in particular doesn't mean they want to be Good in the way aziraphale thinks heaven should be. because there's nothing good about heaven, something that s2 pointed out in more than one occasion.

aziraphale still can't let go of heaven, or distance himself from angelhood the way crowley has let go of hell (and heaven) and demonhood. he was forced to give it up when confronted with the end of the world, but it wasn't by choice. so a part of him still wants to go back; so, when given the chance to do so, he accepts.

this is all part of his character's journey. no matter how many times crowley tells him heaven is toxic, or how many times aziraphale experiences it for himself, he needs to realize it and let go of heaven by choice.

but as for now, he is still trying to pull crowley to his side, back to heaven, because, from his point of view, that's how it should be, because crowley is good! crowley know when to do the right thing! crowley asks questions! so if aziraphale is going to be supreme archangel, he wants to restore crowley to his rightful place, which is high up in heaven, doing good things, inventing things, bringing galaxies to life.

aziraphale's love (presently) is about relying in and allowing crowley to do things for him, about letting him into his safe space, (to a certain limit), doing things with and spending time with crowley, and trying to do what he thinks it's best for crowley. he still can't admit to other people or crowley or himself that they are together even when he says things like "our car", "it's my shop but we both get plenty of use out of it", but that's because he feels shame, and because he still hasn't let go of heaven's ideals and expectations.

which brings us to-

Heaven and God as a metaphor of Home and Family

in a way, what's happened at the end of s2 is that metatron (mom's assistant...?) came back to say "hey so since your big brother (gabriel) has run off with the enemy, we want you to come back to take care of the family business(running things in heaven)." previously crowley had been kicked out for asking questions, has been resentful about the whole thing for millennia, but when asked if he'd want to go back, he is not tempted at all. there's not lost love between him and his the other angels. the two times he sneaked back home(heaven), it didn't look like he was attached, even he was still somewhat familiar with it.

now as for his relationship with mom (God) that's an entire different matter. because he was still cast out for being who he is, for questioning authority, and that's a trauma he still carries with him.

but if crowley was the one that got kicked out, aziraphale is the one that stayed and tried to be as was expected of him. he tried to fit in with his family, even if secretly he was doing things they would frown upon. he'd try not to question authority, he'd be in denial about heaven's cruelty even when it smacks him in the face, because he doesn't want to be kicked out. and when he does get kicked out, somewhat, it's because he had to make a hard choice. but same as crowley, it's not like he wanted to, and he's still an angel, despite his own humanity and all his earthly attachments.

so when given the opportunity to go back home, to take the reins and do things as he thinks they should be done, and consequently be in a good relationship with his family and mom, he says yes. because he thinks that's what he should do, he thinks that's what he wants. mom asked her assistant to tell him that he could come back to run the family business! how could aziraphale say no?

he'll realize he doesn't need heaven, eventually. and he'll make his choice, and once he realizes that Heaven=/=Good, that Love=/=Heaven, he'll be ready to accept crowley as he is, without ever trying to change anything about him. and he'll let crowley in fully.

and they'll finally live together.

[apomaro-mellow]

Matchmaking Harringtons 3

Steve was having a great time with Eddie. It was mostly because he was just that amazing. He was funny, hot, cute, and totally into him. A winning combo in Steve's opinion. But it was all due in no small part to the fact that his parents were so supportive. Steve didn't talk about the girls he dated that much (because why would he?) but his folks seemed actively interested in his going with Eddie.

Maybe it was the whole 'serious relationship' thing they were trying to commit him to. Maybe they were overcompensating for not being around much and wanting to also prove they were okay with his preferences. Either way, they always wanted to know how things were going with Eddie.

They'd been going out for a couple of dates at this point and honestly each one was better than the last. They were all typically low-key, with moments that they were able to get alone for a bit of privacy.

"Let's just say the back of his van is very spacey", Steve said into the phone as he paced about his room.

"So...you're still a total slut then?", Robin said from the other end of the line.

"Guys can't be slutty. And it's not being a slut if it's with the same guy."

"So you've?"

Diane was in the middle of bringing up a basket of laundry when she heard her son's conversation in his room. She swore she'd never be the kind of mother that constantly eavesdropped but well, the door was open just a smidge...

"Not, not the full thing, all the way yet. I think he's nervous. Or he can tell I'm nervous? I don't know. I told him I'd never been with a guy before and I thought that might make him, you know, take initiative?"

"Or maybe he's taking things slow because he doesn't wanna scare you off?", Robin suggested.

"That...could be it. But that's kinda why I called. I thought he was moving kinda slow, but guess where he's taking me tomorrow?"

"Steve, is Munson taking you to a hotel?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "No. He's taking me to Le Petit Nuange. That French place a town over?"

Robin gasped. "Sacre bleu! Va-t-il faire une proposition?"

"Robs, please. My extent of French is 'filet mignon'."

"Do you think he's serious? Like trying to meet your parents serious?"

"I don't know? Maybe? It's just weird. Le Petit is just...so not Eddie."

Diane was inclined to agree. A fancy place like that seemed out of character for someone as boisterous and non-conforming as Eddie. He has once brought a bouquet of lilies, despite their dire meaning. 'Screw flower language, these are some damn fine flowers', he had said.

And even if he thought of taking Steve somewhere special, Enzo's was the nicest place in town. Where would he get the idea to go to the next town?

Jonas.

Diane had thought he was being suspicious when he hid Steve's shoes before a date and met Eddie outside to talk. Diane had thought he'd been giving the boy some kind of shovel talk. He must've been giving Eddie advice on where to take Steve instead.

And she could just imagine what he was trying to do - clean Eddie up. Well, if he wanted to go behind her back, then two could play at that game.

-------------------------

The doorbell rung and Steve answered it. Eddie was there, in a button up shirt with long sleeves that hide his tattoos. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail. And he had a bouquet of nice, traditional, red roses.

"They're beautiful", Steve beamed. He took a moment to put the roses in a vase, missing the thumbs up his dad gave Eddie. Diane however, did not miss it.

"Your chariot awaits", Eddie said, giving a sweeping bow and then locking his arm with Steve's. "Have a good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Harrington!", he called back.

As the van roared down the street, Diane enacted her own plan. She had her husband would also be having a date night.

At Le Petit Nuange, Eddie and Steve were being seated and Eddie had never felt more out of place. It was like everyone could tell he didn't belong here. But when he saw Steve smiling from across him, he knew there was no place he'd rather be.

"What made you want to bring me here?", Steve asked.

Jonas had practically cornered Eddie when he had come to pick up Steve, saying he just wanted to talk a little. Eddie was prepared for the whole 'I have a shotgun/shovel and I'm not afraid to use it.'

"Let's talk", he had opened with. "Steve and you have been having fun, right?"

"Uh, yes? I guess?", Eddie said, unsure now.

"Fun's all well and good Eddie. But now's the time to show Steve you're serious. And you are serious? Aren't you, son?"

"Y-yes. Yes, I am, serious like a heart attack."

"Then you've gotta take him some place special. A place like, uh, say Le Petit Nuange", Jonas rubbed at his chin.

Eddie's brows rose up under his fringe. "Le Petit Nuange? That place is-"

"Is upscale. Which is what Steve deserves, isn't it?"

Eddie swallowed. "Yeah, yeah it is."

He looked at Steve's hand, sitting on the table, just asking to be held. Steve deserved all this and more. And Eddie wanted to be the one to give it to him. It was why he took extra shifts and more of his side business to have the dough to take Steve here.

"I just looked up places in the yellow pages and thought you might like it."

"You know, my parents actually come here a lot", Steve pointed out.

"You don't say", Eddie tried to hide his expression by covering his face with the menu. When he got a look at the prices, it did a good job hiding the way his eyes bugged out. Looks like his purse strings would be a little tight after this. But he had prepared for that. Steve was worth it.

He was worth the stiff shirt, the swanky eatery, and even spending more time selling music that was beneath him to the general populace.

"So tell me more about this gig you've got coming up", Steve said.

Eddie's face broke out into a wild smile and he nearly slammed the menu down. "It's gonna be a ride, Stevie." He wasn't shouting, but his volume was a little louder than polite, and he felt eyes on him. He cleared his throat and quieted himself. "I mean I'm excited to rub elbows with other bands. The experience is sure to be enlightening."

Steve gave him an odd look. "Yeah, I hope my parents let me go. Indy isn't far, but I feel like they've been keeping a closer eye on me lately."

The thought of Steve being in a crowd while he played made Eddie wanted to jump for joy. He wanted to tell him come, even if his parents said no. Sneak out for the weekend, what could they do? He was a man now. But he couldn't do that. Not just because he was trying to clean up and having his new boyfriend at a metal venue might ruin that image. It was also because Steve's had nice parents.

There weren't many that could both accept and encourage their queer child.

"You know Steve, your parents-hcck!" Eddie choked on his words as he saw the Harringtons walk right in and get led to a table.

"What about my parents?", Steve asked.

"They're uh, they're um great!", Eddie squeaked, then cleared his throat to get it back to its normal register. "I mean they're great. I can tell they love you very much."

Steve smiled, none the wiser to his folks being seated not too far away. Eddie tried not to look at them, tried to ignore them. But this couldn't be a coincidence.

Jonas was looking around while trying not to look around. "When you said you wanted to go out tonight....I didn't think you meant this place."

"Why not?", Diane questioned. "We're regular patrons. And it's been a while since we went out." They'd been getting plenty of alone time what with Steve dating now, but they usually spent their evenings at home.

Jonas pulled out her chair for her and when he sat down, he used the menu to continue looking around. Diane watched him like a hawk.

Steve didn't know what was going on with Eddie. He looked nice dressed this way, sure. But it didn't feel like him. He felt...smaller somehow. Like he was trying to shrink himself down. Even as they talked, his smiles were restrained, he didn't move his hands as much, and even his voice seemed like it was being held back.

Steve watched as he cut his food, using minimal motions like he was working with glass.

"Eddie, are you okay?"

"Huh? Yeah, course, I'm fine. I uh, I just need to hit the can-uh use the facilities. Please excuse me."

Eddie got up in a haste. He thought he'd be ready for tonight. It was just playing pretend. Potentially for the rest of his life. Maybe having an audience of the parents was what was tripping him up. He got close to the bathroom when a hand tapped his shoulder. He turned to see none of than Mrs. Harrington.

"Don't worry, I know this wasn't your idea", she started right off. "My husband put it in your head. I'll admit, I like the idea of Steve being treated like a prince, but if you clean up too much he'll get confused."

"Right, yeah, gotta strike a balance. Mhm."

"Glad we could talk", she patted his arm. "Go get him, tiger."

Eddie returned to Steve and saw Diane come back to her table not long after. He could see them exchange words, although he couldn't hear what. Then Jonas got up from his seat. He gave Eddie a strange look while making his way to the bathroom. Eddie sighed and excused himself again.

"Now I don't know what my wife might've said to you, but you've got to stay on this path. I can see a real future with you and Steve if you do."

"A real future?"

"I could only give my son to someone who could take care of him. You understand what I mean, don't you?"

Eddie nodded. The kind of man who could take Steve to these places and not have his soul leave his body when he looked at the menu. When Eddie sat back down, he looked at Steve, sitting across from him. It was the kind of view he could get used to.

Somehow, the meddling didn't end there. The Harringtons took turns, getting up to meet with Eddie and each time he had to come up with an excuse.

"I'm gonna check their wine selection."

"I want to make sure the kitchen knows my allergies."

"I'm gonna see if the violinist takes requests."

Finally, Steve stood up with him and grabbed Eddie by the elbow. "Come with me."

Steve took him to the bathroom and locked the door behind them.

"Steve", Eddie gasped, scandalized when his neck started to get kissed.

"You've been antsy all night." Steve's hands went to his hips and began to untuck his shirt.

Instantly, Eddie felt like being released from shackles. Steve's hand roaming under his shirt left him so distracted, he almost didn't hear what he said next.

"Hm?"

"I said, do you wanna get out of here?"

"The bill-", Eddie was cut off when Steve reached behind him and took down his hair, running his fingers through it to free the tresses.

"A little dine and ditch never hurt anyone."

Eddie looked to the window in the bathroom. Just barely big enough to make a getaway. He was halfway out when they heard someone knocking on the door. Eddie was helping Steve out as the handle was shaking. Steve was giggling and it was like a sweet bell to his ears.

They were making their way around the back of the restaurant and towards the van as the manager finally came around with a key.

Diane and Jonas could make out the commotion going on near the bathroom and saw the empty table where two lovebirds should be.

"You knew I made Eddie take Steve here", Jonas confirmed.

"Yes."

"And every time you got up-"

"Was to speak with Eddie. And now they've-"

"-Snuck out the bathroom."

Together they sighed, remembering when they snuck out of stuffy formals to be alone together. And because they wondered if they were doing right by their son.

"We're going to have a long talk when we get home, huh?", Jonas asked his wife.

"Oh yeah."

"Any hope for me?"

"Ask me after dessert."

Part 5

Tag Team

@tartarusknight @swimmingbirdrunningrock @estrellami-1 @potato-of-the-lord @dragonmama76 @m-owo-n @sticknpokelightningbolt @somegirlsomewhere @tinyplanet95 @samsoble @runniem @hallucinatedjosten @nburkhardt @littlewildflowerkitten @noctxrn-e @subversivecynic @larawrmonster @suikatto @platinum-sunset @imacowboy3 @tiny-enthusiast @netflixisacopingstrategymom @honorarybrit81 @manda-panda-monium @krazyperson @ninjapirateunicorns

[lovesick-joey]

Dragon Eyes

The aroma of Alfred's chamomile tea filled Bruce's nostrils, and he took a sip of it, feeling it warming him up from the inside. He felt calmer and at ease. It's been a while since he had felt that.

Placing the cup down, he watched Alfred cleaning the counters before turning his gaze towards Dick. His son sat with his legs crossed atop of his chair, his long hair neatly tied into a ponytail. His focus was on his phone, and with the way his brows were knitting, Bruce knew he had something on his mind.

"What are you looking at?" Bruce decided to ask.

Dick's head immediately snapped up to meet his eyes. He gave him a small smile. "Oh, typical," He says. "social media."

Bruce nodded reluctantly, sensing something amiss. He didn't question him further, though. He took another sip of his tea and picked up a newspaper.

Dick was still looking at him from the corner of his eye, and with sheer discomfort Bruce couldn't focus on reading anymore. He looked at him again, raising a brow.

The young man grinned sheepishly, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "Sorry. Didn't mean to stare.." He spoke halfheartedly. "..It's just.."

The more that Bruce looked at him, the more he realized Dick wasn't making eye-contact with him—he was looking at his cheek.

He was looking at the bruise that is most likely visible on his pale face.

Did he really hit me that hard?

Bruce stiffens and raised his hand to graze the purple patch just below his right eye.

"..Is it really visible?"

"Yeah, kinda."

Bruce sighs, turning his head to the newspaper. "I'll try to cover it up with makeup. The public won't know any better."

Dick was still watching him, but Bruce didn't make a move to engage in conversation. He really didn't want this right now.

Nevertheless, Dick pursued. "Bruce," The way his voice sounded made Bruce's shoulders tense, even more than before. He heard Dick put his phone down on the table. "I want you to talk to me."

Bruce let out another sigh. Folding his newspaper, he looked over at Dick. His son wore a solemn expression.

When he didn't speak, Dick did.

"I heard you and Eugene.. arguing, last night." He murmured. Here we go, Bruce bit back a groan that threatened to escape his lips. "Like, when I passed by your room.." Dick continued, twiddling with his thumbs, "..I heard him say.. fuck, I don't know, B. I didn't know he had such a mouth. I mean, I did know, but.. not to that extent.."

Bruce and Eugene had come home from patrolling Gotham City. It wasn't a good patrol at all—They dealt with arrogant street thugs and gang members and Bruce had to prevent Eugene from beating all of them until they were standing at God's doorstep. Their patrol was mostly them bickering with each other, and with the way Eugene is, Bruce knew he would meet the man's cold treatment later on when they got home.

And cold treatment he got.

Bruce could still remember Eugene's yelling in the back of his head. It never goes away. Nothing about Eugene goes away. Bruce might even say he'd get a lobotomy just so his thoughts would stop being plagued by him, but that's just an overdramatic response.

The punch still stung. Still hurt.

"..We had a bad time during our patrol last night." Bruce eventually replied, pausing to take a sip of his tea. The beverage didn't taste comforting anymore. He cleared his throat after putting his cup down. "You know how Eugene is. He's not good at handling his emotions."

Dick frowned a bit. "He's what, forty-seven years old? You'd think he would get his shit together by now."

Bruce sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "..We don't know what he's been through, Dick. He clearly has some trauma that he probably garnered growing up.. it would make sense why he's like that."

"Trauma doesn't justify abuse.." He heard Dick mutter under his breath, but decides not to speak on it.

"I must say, Sir," Alfred chimed in while simultaneously wiping the dishes dry. "Mister Amsel better get his act straight. Unlike you, I cannot tolerate his recent behavior."

Bruce remembered that time when Alfred kicked Eugene out of the manor. The old butler had caught him belittling Bruce in the Batcave, and after the 'hard R' was dropped from his mouth, Alfred had enough. He made Eugene sleep in the yard for two nights. Bruce would be lying if he said he wasn't too happy about it.

"He'll learn with time." Bruce said. "He still has room to grow."

He wasn't sure if he believed himself.

Alfred subtly shakes his head while Dick's face hardened.

Bruce looked back at the newspaper in his hands. The paper creased under his tight grip.

TGCS ¦ Good Job. ‣ Mr. Hermit I won't be posting more TGCS content on tumblr anymore and will instead be continuing on ao3.