#they loved each other and mistakes were made and it's over now and simon has to move on. but the love was there.

[continuousmeowing]

i liked the ending! I thought it was sweet. I have a few gripes, but i think it was overall pretty good.

[mother-honour]

Actions have consequences (Simon 'Ghost' Riley X GN Civilian! Spouse! Reader) Part 1

Summary: In a heated argument between the two of you, Simon says something he will regret for the rest of his life.

CW: Simon being an asshole, Swearing, yelling, emotional hurt, heavy angst, car accident, descriptive writing of injury, Character death (?)

Simon truly wanted to be a good husband.

But nothing ever seemed to go smoothly in his life. From his fucked-up childhood, his own demons, to his role as the infamous Ghost. Everything had to eventually come to bite him in the ass.

You, his loving spouse, had always tried to ease his pain in any way that you could. It would vary from cuddling on the couch, to taking him somewhere to lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by. However, he'd been away longer. The world beyond the walls of his cozy home made him more bitter, jaded, and cruel when he returned home.

It was today that he finally snapped.

It was a small disagreement at first, something that had already felt foreign to you. Then it escalated. The both of you kept just kept going back and forth, spitting venom at each other from a supply with an unknown source.

"All I have been trying to do this whole time is make sure that you don't have to deal with the pain alone. I'm only trying to fucking help, Simon!" You yell with hot tears streaming down your face, the grip on your shirt so tight it makes your knuckles turn white.

"Marrying you was a mistake." He snarls. The way your face twists into an expression of pure horror at his words makes him want to take it all back. A choked sob leaves your trembling body as you bolt into the direction of the door. You ignore the frantic calls of your husband as you snatch your jacket and the car keys in one swift motion, not even bothering to look back as you slam the door in his face.

You make your way to the red sports car, unlocking the vehicle before plopping yourself down in the driver's seat. There was no going back now. You start the car, glancing to the side at your shared home with Simon one last time before you hit the gas.

"Fuck…" You whimper while running a hand over your tear-stained face. Simon's words echo through your mind over and over again, the feeling of knives stabbing into your heart becoming more and more evident with each and every loop.

'Marrying you was a mistake.'

Your eyes dart to the side as you catch a flash of bright lights, the booming horn of a truck being the last thing you hear before everything goes dark.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon sat on the couch, fingers dinging into his hair, as the tears finally stopped. It had been an hour since you stormed out the door, the look of pure horror on your face branded into his mind like the scars that decorated his body. How could he have said that to you? You, the love of his life, were the only person who had let him feel human in the times he needed it most.

"I'm such a fucking idiot." He scolded himself while smacking the sides of his head. The sound of his phone buzzing on the coffee table was the only thing that brought him out of his self-pity. He reached out to the obnoxious device that tried to get his attention, turning it around to find the word 'unknown' flashing readily on the screen.

Alarm bells began to go off in his brain as he pressed down to answer the call. A sweet elderly voice was greeting him from the other side. "Hello? Is this Mr. Riley? I am calling from the Clementine Churchill Hospital." The moment the word 'hospital' registered in Simon's brain, he immediately froze.

"Sir?" The voice on the other side called again, to which this time he did respond. "Yes, you are speaking to him. Why did you call me?" Deep down, he already knew why. "Your spouse has been in a car accident. Do you have the possibility to come over?"

Simon's heart stopped beating.

The time between him rushing to the hospital and finally reaching your room was all but a blur to him. He now sat at your bedside, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the damage he had caused. You looked so frail, all wrapped up in bandages, with all different types of tubes and machinery hooked up to you.

There was only one thought that crossed Simon's mind at this very moment. It was all his fault.

If he hadn't yelled at you, if he hadn't let you walk out of that door, you would've been cuddled up on the couch together. You would be smiling at him, those beautiful eyes he came to love looking up at him with pure joy when you told him about your day. But you weren't. You were lying here, fighting for your life. All because of him.

"Sweetheart? I don't know if you can hear me… but I-" Simon had to swallow as he felt his world crumble around him. "I'm so sorry, baby. I should've never allowed myself to say something so fucking horrible to you." Hot tears streamed down his face as he reached out to caress your cheek. "Please… please don't go. I can't-I can't lose anyone else." Simon wept as he held onto your hand, his lips brushing against your bandaged knuckles.

"Please…" He kept begging. He was hoping that someone, anyone, would hear his plea not to take you away from him.

[rosesanddecay]

Imagine: insecure/worried!Price x Reader (& more)

TW: minor hurt/future comfort(?), sleep deprived ramble

Next>>

Price always worried about letting you in too close. His job is dangerous, and his life is always at risk. John felt guilty imagining you waiting for him, only for him to never return back to you.

It didn’t help that you had just broken up with your last boyfriend, someone you, admittedly, thought you were going to marry. John didn’t want to risk you being emotionally wrecked again so soon.

He never wants to lose you, and at the time, he fully believed knew he loved you. But he didn’t want to risk you getting hurt, so he made a fail safe.

With some thorough convincing, your relationship opens- but only on your side. John encourages you to get another boyfriend, much to your initial dismay. It’s not because he wants to share you, but because he doesn’t want to risk you being left alone.

The two of you never discuss your other relationship, and when he has free time, the two of you spend every moment together. But sometimes his work is overbearing, so he doesn’t tell you to come over.

He spends the night alone, because to him, a night of just sleeping next to each other isn’t good enough for you. You deserve better.

It hurts feeling like he isn’t enough, or fearing you’ll be in pain at his expense. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

You always tried to tell him he was enough, that you loved him, but he never fully listened.

At least if you’ll have someone to comfort you in case he dies, right?

——

Soap had called the team over for a housewarming party after moving into his new place. His bonnie thing was set to show up soon, and he couldn’t stop ranting about her (he hasn’t stopped vaguely bragging about her since they got together).

John wasn’t too focused, instead thinking about when he should tell you he’s back in town- it had been awhile since he saw you.

Maybe if he asked you to move in, the two of you could transition into a relationship where he felt confident he was enough for—

Your voice breaks him from his thoughts as he hears you greet Johnny. And the moment you turned the corner, his heart stopped.

His lass, the one he encouraged to date another, was also with his teammate.

Johnny was introducing you to the team as you and John locked eyes; the dots formed and connected instantly, and the panic settled in.

What were you two to do? Lie and pretend to not know each other? How could you pretend not to know the person you were in love with?

“But ‘imma steal ‘er from him. Make ‘im realize his mistake lettin’ ‘is bird roam the city unattended.” Johnny joked as he finished explaining the circumstances of your relationship. How you two were committed, but how you also had a loser (Johnny’s words) boyfriend who wanted an open relationship.

As Johnny continued to talk about the two of you, he seemed oblivious to his surroundings. But so were you and Price…

Gaz stared at you, wondering how his ex girlfriend -the one he regretted ever leaving, the one he still loved, the one he wanted to marry- was there.

His heart was on the ground being stepped on. All his regret was tripling down as he saw his teammate holding you so lovingly, the way he wished he still could.

It was selfish to want you back, even years after the break up. But he couldn’t help wanting his soulmate back. And it was his fault for pushing you away…

When you finally broke your gaze with Price, you unintentionally met the wide-eyed gaze of Gaz- and you felt like throwing up.

Your two boyfriends and now your ex too??

But you hadn’t even noticed him yet.

Ghosts eyes landed on you in silence the moment you walked in. It took him a minute to even process how you were there.

“Lass…” Simon spoke in a tone only you were familiar with, making everyone else go silent and turn to him.

“Simon..?” Your voice was quiet and shaky as you realized immediately who he was.

The mask hid him at first, but you knew the voice of your long-lost friend. Your childhood best friend, your childhood crush.

The same one who “died” before either of you could confess to each other…

How could these men all be in the same room? It was like ghosts of the past, present, future, and the dead were haunting you.

“So… I guess introductions aren’t needed…” Soap realized as everyone stared at you.

————

Sorry if this sucks. I’m ignoring my endless pile of wips and writing this at 2 am

And I may expand upon it…

It would 100% devolve into poly!141 x reader btw

[exactlyyoungchaos]

Loss of my Life.

Husband Simon X Reader.

My first time writing here!!! Please don't mind the mistakes as I'm writing this at 5 in the morning. enjoy!!!

TW: loss of a relationship, hurt, angst, little comfort, cursing, trauma(loss of family, mention of miscarriage), "its not you, its me bullshit" let me know if i missed something!

You used be a medic working with TF141 for years before you retired. that's how you met your now husband Simon Riley. he was the most loving, attentive and responsible partner you could've asked for, he was ghost to everyone but not you, never you. But something's changed recently.

ever since his last mission eight months ago, he's been detached, not talking to you properly, coming home extremely late and drunk. he hasn't even touched you since he came back and its saying something for a guy who used to be attached to your hips whenever he could.

you tried talking to him, tried asking what's wrong but you always got the same answer, " you're thinkin too much lovie, nothings wrong."

but you know your husband so you start digging, and that's the biggest mistake you have made.

you found a note in his vest pocket, where he keeps his wedding ring during missions that read " be safe and come back to me" in a handwriting you knew by heart but it wasn't yours.

it was of his childhood best friend. she was in the special forces as well, and recently worked with Simon's team on the last mission.

you knew then and there, the reason of the detachment, the curt responses. your husband was in love with the woman he told you not to worry about.

your eyes blur with the realization that the life you once knew is soon going to come to an end, the man you're in love with , who's ring you have been wearing for years is not yours anymore or maybe he never was.

you sat there in your closet, tears streaming down your face, gut wrenching sobs coming out of you mouth. he isn't home, like usual so there is no one to witness the loss of your life.

your brain conjure up all the good times you had with him but now all of it is tainted by the realization that none of it was true.

you remember every time you caught both of them looking at each other, the friendly adoration in Simon's eyes now looked like longing, with his hands still around your waist.

every time he said to you "you're the love of my life" with his lips on yours, was he wishing it was her? all these years, you were so in love, so blinded by the rose tinted glasses you had over your eyes that you never saw it?

you sat there for hours, mulling over your whole life. how the one person you thought was yours forever was never yours. so you got up, eyes hollow, bloodshot and puffy, your form trembling. you put the note back where it was and go lay on your bed.

you stare at the wall for hours, around three am, your front door opened and closed. you felt him as he walked in the bedroom and slipped under the sheets next to you.

for the first time in weeks, he put his arms around your waist and pulled you towards himself, " you awake love?" he murmured in your neck.

all that came out of your mouth was, " Am I not enough?" in a rough whisper.

his arms tense around you, he knows that you know. before he could say something, you turn to face him, still in his arms.

you look at his face, and trace his scars with your fingers as tears fell from your eyes on your pillow.

his expression is tortured, " Its not what you-" but you cut him off with a soft shush and a finger on his lips. the lips you called home for as long as you remember.

you don't want him to lie to you anymore so you smile, the same smile Simon has witnessed when you lost your whole family in an accident as he stood next to your shaking form during the funeral, the same smile you gave him when you had a miscarriage as he stood next to you on the hospital bed holding your hand, grieving with you.

his heart was breaking, he was cursing himself for doing this to you. but you don't blame him, you haven't said anything to him except "will you hold me for the last time? please?" and you bury your face in his chest, taking in his scent for the last time. feeling his erratic heartbeat for the last time.

Simon's hand tightened around you, he doesn't want to let you go. the only good thing that happened to him. he destroyed you, like he always does to anything he touches.

he knows he cant fix this, nothing he could say would fix this. so he held you, with all his might, for the last time.

part 2?

[lovers-rck]

fic rec where someone from the club hosts a party and reader and hazel go and they get a little drunk and pj locks them in a room together until they admit their feeling to each other and things get a little hot n heavy :)

intentional lowercase ;) thank you!

also i did a very vague correction so forgive me if there are any mistakes! english is not my first language.

☆

"seven minutes in heaven!" you hear pj yell and run away, except that you and hazel weren't playing that game.

hazel chukled and went to open the door, almost tripping over a ball of dirty cloth. She grabbed the door handle and tried to open.

the first time doesn't work, but she knows she is a little bit drunk and maybe she was opening the wrong way. the second time doesn't work either, and that's when she starts to worry.

"it's locked" she says "pj locked the door"

"what? " you say "let me try" the room is dimly lit, highlighting the worried features that took over hazel's face.

you grab and try to open the door. one, two, three times later you realized that, in fact, is locked. pj locked the door and ran away for who knows how much time.

"im sure this is one of her pranks" hazel looks at you, her eyes a little sleepy from the alcohol "she will come back in a few minutes"

but you are impacient. three minutes has passed. you look at the posters in Annie's walls, all with a inspirational quote about women and printed pictures of Simone de Beauvoir. five minutes. hazel groans in protest, looking at her dirty shoes and thinking why she didn't clean them before going out, she's embarrassed now. seven minutes pass. eight. nine. ten. eleven. twelv...

"pj!" hazel screams "pj let us out please! i already apologized to you when i said that you only created the club to fuck cheerleaders! please!"

for the next ten seconds the only things you hear is hazel's voice, she's loud and desperate, her hands hitting the wooden door for so long that you almost find a rhythm.

eventually hazel gives up, and in a matter of seconds all the loud noises that she made earlier end up causing her a big headache. she feels less drunk than before, but the after feeling isn't so much better. then she looks at you, sitting in the floor, your legs crossed like a kid and your eyes resting. you were a chill drunk, hazel was a chaotic one.

she find a very strange feeling looking at you, something growing in her stomach. hazel never saw you the way she was seeing you now, always admiring you in secret, always playing the fool when you catch her eye in between classes or practice. she knew that this wasn't product of the alcohol, and that scared her.

so she tried and is currently trying to ignore that little feeling growing inside of her, that little tiny and obviously-not-romantic feeling that became stronger everyday.

okay yes. she was in love with you. so what?

it was not a big deal. it's not like at the very sight of you she becomes dumb and slow and words come out of her mouth like vomit without thinking. it's not like she freeze everytime you touch her or grab her hand. it's not like she is completely, hopelessly, in love with you.

okay it was bad.

"we have to get out of here" hazel says "I'll become anxious and you know i left therapy last week!"

so you get up and grabs hazel's hand. you guide her to sit in Annie's bed, standing in front of her and demand her to breath with you.

inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

you don't let go of her hand at any time, and neither does hazel. you look at her, her eyes are closed and her lips swell as she exhales the air as you taught her. you look at her and the sudden impulse to scream what you feel for her invades you.

but you two are friends, and friends don't do that. friends help each other without expecting anything in return. but you realized that you didn't want to be hazel's friend when after every shared moment you expected something in return, something to give you a hint, something to answer the doubt that has been in your heart for a long time.

¿did she look at you with those eyes in purpose? ¿did she caressed your cheek in accident that one time? ¿did she makes jokes about couples with you just for the laughs? ¿did she likes you?

the last question is the worst, you consider.

"thank you" hazel says, and you smile slightly in return. always waiting for something else.

and you think she gaves you something in return when you feel her thumb caressing your hand. she stares at your intertwined hands, and so do you.

shyness takes over your bodie, and the giggly and playful hazel disappears. it was always easier to pretend that nothing happened, that all the touches were accidents and all the looks meant nothing. to pretend that they were just meaningless feelings.

but neither of you can do that anymore when you feel hazel pull your hand slowly, bringing your body closer to hers but leaving a space, leaving open the door of regret. you close that door the moment your free hand caresses her face and she smiles at you.

"can i..."

"yes" you say "please"

she obey and guide your bodie to bend down slightly for her to kiss you. you inhale sharply when her lips makes contact with yours for the first time, and suddenly a scared feeling takes over your body

but hazel grabs your face and you understand that there is nothing to fear when you are with her.

her kiss is delicate and slow, but hungry. she grabs your legs and sits you in her lap, not getting enough of you. her mind cannot comprend what is happening, but is unable to stop it. her fingertips swim across your skin, trying to memorize every feeling, every texture that is so new to her.

she fears that she might be a little rough or fast with you, that maybe she crossed the invisible line. she freeze and for a moment she just stay there, her forehead against yours, breathing and trying to process the last five minutes.

"did i do something wrong?" you murmured

"no, no, you did nothing wrong"

"what's wrong?"

she swallows and hold your hand "nothing is wrong"

"don't be scared"

"im not scared" hazel replies, hating how you read her so easily. you raise you eyebrow "okay maybe i am a little scared"

"of what?"

you heard how the girls are laughing at something downstairs.

"i don't know" she exhales "im afraid you won't be my friend anymore after this"

"we were kissing and you were all worried about our friendship?

"yes!" she replies "your friendship is very important to me"

"i know" you gently put a strand of hair behind her ear "your friendship is important to me too. im not gonna ignore you after this if that's what you fear hazel"

"okay" she nodds "okay"

you laugh slightly "okay"

and you kiss her again, more desperate than before. hazel quickly responds to your body and grabs your waist, pushing you towards her.

you move slightly in her lap and she gasp. the strap of your shirt falls off your shoulder and hazel leaves your lips to find a home on the skin of your neck and shoulder. she kiss and bite the flesh, your breathing becoming a little louder.

in a bold act, you grab hazel's hands and place them in your breasts, hoping that she would catch the sign.

and she does, so she moves you shirt up and start massaging your flesh, you nipples alrrady hard to receive hazel's hands. you whimper lightly when you feel hazel's tongue, leaving a trail of kisses all over your tits.

her hand starts going down when you both heard the lock of the door and a scream

"oh my god!" pj screams and hazel cover your breast with her hands in panic "oh my god! guys! guys! oh my god"

pj jumps and start running away, her screams invading the house

"it worked! guys it worked!" pj screams downstairs "the were sucking each other's titties!"

and all the girls scream with her.

[penelopepine]

Don't be a stranger! Pt. 9 (Final)

Part 8 Part 9

Simon "Ghost" Riley x FemReader

Content: Neighbors AU, fluff, developing relationship, establishing relationship

Immediately Simon turns to look at you. Almost wondering to himself if what you said was all in his head, but it wasn't. You were awake, and you had heard him say that he loves you.

He doesn't say anything as you seem to gain back your consciousness. Slowly blinking away the drowsiness in your mind. 

"…Simon?" 

"I'm here," He grabs your hand; squeezing it tight in his, "I'm here, love."

You smile shyly, and squeeze his hand as well, "Did I hear you right?" 

Simon doesn't know how to answer that, and before he can truly think about what to say Price makes his presence known to the room with a small cough. "I'll give you two a bit of privacy," He gives Simon a pat on the shoulder before whispering in his ear, "Simon, don't let yourself stand in the way of something good." 

With a nod and whispered words to you as well, Price steps out of the room. Leaving the two of you alone to talk about the elephant in the room. 

It feels like an eternity passes in the quiet seconds.  Simon takes Price's words to heart, and decides to finally take the leap. "You did. I said it." 

"Can…can you say it again?" 

Simon feels terrified right now; it feels different saying it directly to you, but he’s not going to let you go now that he’s so close to what he wants. “I love you. I feel as if I was made to love you.” Looking into your eyes he sees tears starting to well up, and panic hits him at full force once again. He immediately stands and pulls his hand away from yours. “I’m sorry I’ll go-” 

“Simon!” Your hand quickly wraps around his; stopping him from running out of the room, “Please look at me.” He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to see the tears in your eyes, but softly your voice calls out to him again. “Simon.” 

You asked him and so he does. He looks back towards you, the tears still present, but a big dopey grin has replaced your once hesitant smile. “I love you too.” 

In the blink of an eye he is on you. His hands are softly holding your face so that your faces are only inches apart. “Say it again.” His voice almost desperately asks. 

“I love you, Simon-.” 

Before you’ve even finished saying it, he's kissing you. Simon has wanted this for so long, and to hear you say it is like a dream come true. This moment is all he had wanted for the past few months. 

The kiss lasts for many moments before the two of you pull away from each other as a loud knock on the door rings out. Quickly Simon moves to sit back down on the chair just as the door is swung open revealing Johnny. Who comes practically sprinting in once he sees that you're awake. 

"Beads!" Johnny yells out, and brings you into a hug, "I'm so glad to see that you're ok lass." 

You wrap your arms around him as well laughing as you say, "I could say the same to you. My first outing off base, and we got jumped!" 

Johnny looks at you with sadness in his eyes, "I should have been paying better attention. There’s a reason you are  still living on base after all." 

"Johnny-" You try to say but are interrupted before more can be said. 

"No lass, I made a mistake leaving your side. We're lucky nothing too serious happened." 

You don't say anything else, and just bring him back in for a hug. Simon knows that Johnny is probably feeling guilty right now, and he's sure Johnny will try and make up for what happened once you're out of here. Regardless of whether you think he needs to or not. "I'm just glad everything is over honestly." You say with a big yawn. 

Simon looks your way as you two break away from each other, "That reminds me love, you should focus on resting right now." He makes sure to send Johnny a look as well; silently telling him that it's time for him to go now. 

Johnny has always been able to read his silent demands, and happily makes his way out of the room after saying goodbye to you. Once it’s just the two of you again Simon grasps your hand in his. “I meant what I said about you getting rest. You’re clearly starting to fall asleep again.” You had been actively yawning with drooping eyes for the last few minutes now. 

“Will you be here when I wake up again?” 

“I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.” Simon could think of a close second though, and that would be in the interrogation room with Laswell. That is something that can be handled later though; staying here with you is more important. 

"Can I-," You start, but your own yawn cuts you off. You're leaning against the pillow with closed eyes, and Simon isn't even sure if you're aware of what you're saying right now, "-ask you one more question?"

"Go ahead, love." 

You barely open your eyes, and give him the biggest grin, "Do you wanna be my boyfriend?" 

"I want to be your everything," He whispered, watching your eyes fall shut. Simon loved you so much right now looking at your sleeping face. He's not sure if you'll remember asking that, but he'll be the one to ask you if so. He's not going to let you go now; not after everything. 

With that Simon goes and turns the light down for you, and settles down by your side once again. He's not planning on going anywhere any time soon. Everything else can just fade away into the background now that he has you. 

Simon's ready for what the future holds as long as he gets to be by your side. 

Note: That it! This story is officially done! I had such a great time writing this story, and I started talking to some amazing people because of it. I hope everyone has enjoyed it as much as I have.

If anyone is wondering the total word count for is just over 13k!

My next big story is going to be expanding on this blurb here that I wrote a bit ago. You can also check out my masterlist for other things that I have written.

Taglist: @nexthyperfix @yourdaydreamerfan @tf141gloryhole @just-pure-trash @definitelynotaclown

@141tfsan @arminarlertssword @openup-yourmind @evie-119 @v1x3n

@whos-fran @trcyyyyy @azkza @kaoyamamegami @yyiikes

@leryg0 @pansexualhailstorm @trulovekay @kdidgg @ane-sthesie

@zhongtar @shinebright2000 @blackhawkfanatic @cmbghost @prozacprinc3ss

@shizukunora @chocolate-noodles @fakeguysarehot @identity2212 @zarsghost

@mroman0111

[sickuma]

SILLAGE — a Simon Riley fic. 1/2

❱ This is the au i wrote on tiktok captioned "he realized he wanted to stay too late" this will have two parts! I've been making a lot of ghost fics lately LMAO and I'm sorry if the plots are consistently angst, it's what I like doing the most. This one though is a little heavier than most of what I've written, definitely has some personal linking to it with my experience :)

ꜝ？ Warning. . this is a heavy angst fic, mentions of suicide and acts of committing, if that is something that triggers bad emotions, please exit the fic.

paring is Ghost x Reader this is unedited! mistakes such as spelling and grammatical errors are to be expected !

! if you are going through something heavy right now, please seek someone you trust and you are able to talk to about your emotions, nobody should have to go through their troubles alone, you're loved<3 My messages are open if you need a stranger to listen :)

Part 2 (^_^;)

SILLAGE — (n.) The scent that lingers in air, the trail left in water, the impression made in space after something or someone has been and gone; the trace of someones perfume.

"The deployment takes place soon."

He mumbles, without turning to face you. Occupied by packing up the things he'll need for this mission and more,

He was packing everything.

"Do not wait for me [name]."

"What does that mean?" You ask, a look of indifference plastered on your face. It wasn't necessarily the first time this conversation has been held. 

Though it is the first time you're not opposing. For the entirety of that 7 months you're together, fights happened, arguments would sprung. Yet you find yourselves back into each other's arms within a week,

It was a tiring cycle. Something you knew was unhealthy for the both of you, especially with your deteriorating well-being which he has no waking idea about. You've never brought light to it.

It was an ugly part of you, something you despised.

Something you won't ever show him yourself.

With a short sigh, he stood straight, hands propped on his forehead indicating his rising stress. "I can't, we can't."

"I can't let this go on longer.

You kept quiet, awaiting for him to speak more, to tell more of his worries you're evidently familiar with. It was something you've grown aware of,

His fear of abandoning you,

His fear of dying on the field while you wait aimlessly for him.

"This is for the better [name]." Cowardly, is what you would have described this. But you are in no place to be speaking of such as you're also deep into your own hell of mental instability.

For a lot of times this argument has happened, it was the first time you are not tearing up. Asking him to stop spewing nonsense and convincing him to stay.

Why did you keep doing that? You wondered. Now you finally have the answer. 

It's the fear,

Fear of your darkness once he's far from you, far from your heart. He was completely unaware of how he'd changed you temporarily, how your sleeping heart awoke with just the sound of his voice.

For the longest time you have not felt anything close to what he made you feel; for the first time you are able to feel. And the thought of that suddenly being taken away from you made your body tremble.

But this time you stood firmly,

He was right. This can't go on forever,

You two may have different reasons for saying such but what mutual fact was that it was true. Staying with each other will only drive you to madness.

With his fear of attachment, and your fear of abandonment. It was bound to fail.

You were already planning on cutting ties even before he brought this up once again; you knew you can't stay. Not any longer,

Not when this void plagued you like a curse.

The air was thick and dire, your lack of response threw him over the edge. It was unpleasant. He had expected you to do the same, to react the same, to stop him.

To fight for him like you always have,

But you're no longer capable of doing that. If you can't fight for your own will to live, how does he expect you to fight for this wilting relationship?

You hated it. Feeling helpless.

But you're certain it's the right thing, tonight, you'll finally do it. Like you always planned.

"I see."

Simon felt conflicted, your short answers and your lack of expression, it gave him a strange gut feeling. This sudden gut decision to stay and make sure everything's okay,

He can't.

He needs to go, one way or another. He's doing this in regards to you, and the safety of your feelings.

If only he'd know you're incapable of feeling, without him you can't. Your gaze followed his walking figure as he brought his things at the door,

Turning to you with a pinched expression, though he was shocked to see you looking at him with a smile.

"Be safe."

You spoke ever so gently, with that slight smile he adored but for some reason it felt odd to see it. It troubled him, he shrugged it off, not wanting to drag this moment longer,

Afraid he'll give in and pull you into his arms.

He kept staring, as if he didn't wish to walk out the door. If he does, it means permanently, his heart was against that. "Can I hug you?"

"One last time?"

He was taken aback, stunned at your sudden request. And for a lot of reasons it hurt him, to hurt you in such a way you end up smiling in acceptance, asking him for one final hug.

With an anxious swallow, he dropped the bags and slowly drew closer to you. Pulling you close, perhaps too eagerly? Too desperately. But he didn't care. 

If its the final time he gets to have you in his embrace, he'll make the most of it. 

He lets the moment linger, with your hands clutching his shirt, he took you in. Taking your scent, the calm thumps of your heart, he needs all he can get.

With his eyes closed, he carefully rubs the back of your head when he suddenly felt warm on his chest,

It was tears,

Your tears. You were crying silently.

"[name]—" 

You interrupt him with a chuckle, pulling away from the hug to wipe your tears. 

"Sorry, it escaped." You humoured, wiping them away.

Right at that moment he felt his heart shatter, he felt cruel. On the other hand you felt fulfilled, with the final hug you wanted,

You can finally do it.

"I love you Si." You smiled once again, looking up at his towering figure. Though his expression remained stoic, almost softening as his thoughts dwelled with what his heart wants.

He shook his head, closing his eyes shut as he turned around to take his things. Twisting the knob in the process, stopping to spare you one last glance.

"I—" he almost said it but he stopped himself, he didn't want to make it any harder for himself, no matter how badly he wanted to say it.

"Goodbye [name]."

Those were the last words he spoke to you, as the sound of the door closing erupts in your ears. Leaving you in the eerie room you dreaded,

It's as if you could still feel his embrace.

Once you're sure he's far enough, it's when you started the preparation. Sitting down indifferently to write a few notes; letters to those few you held close.

One final regard of what you were too cowardly to say in person, a goodbye.

And so, you wrote.

﹑

To Simon,

My Simon.

If you're reading this, I am gone.

Whether or not you find this letter, I can only hope you know how much I've loved you. That even without reading this, you're still aware of how much you made me feel.

Thank you, truly.

For the longest time I have struggled to feel, most times it would just be devoid of yearning; my yearn to view life as something worth living for. To no avail I never got that, the idea to keep living never shone bright to me, of course, until you showed up and brighten up my space with your own special way,

It took us quite a few to get along, we really did.

But when it happened, it was ethereal. Things felt right, for the first time I was able to feel,

For the first time I had this sudden urge to keep living, to keep living for you. To see you, to hear your voice, to be beside you. I'm afraid I've grown dependent on that,

As someone who has never felt love nor care, I had no sense of value for myself. Yet you looked at me, you told me you love me and believe me I was ecstatic.

I depended on you, you were my source of happiness and I owe you for every bit of happiness I've gotten from this unfortunate life so when we're apart i find myself remembering just how miserable i am, how my family is, how i am as a person and how hard it is for me to feel.

Without you I can't feel anything.

But that was unhealthy,

I was merely distracted. The void never left, it was there temporarily filled with what I convinced myself was a will to live. I'm sorry. I really am, I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have been stronger,

Braver, to see your achievements even if we're not together anymore. My heart remains yours. It's not your fault, it never will be. I'm sure that you know If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. 

I know I lack the ability to feel, but with you, I never lied. I never faked anything. My love for you is here and it's the only feeling I am able to recognize, I know that night you walked out of the door saying we are better off apart, for the safety of my feelings and for the sake of your growing attachment. I cried but I cried because I agreed.

I'm sorry for surrendering to my weakness,

But I can't keep it together; not any longer. I can only hope that you'll be glad to know that maybe I'm somewhere free from the void of my emotions. I'm somewhere better, freely able to feel. Please be proud, with you I felt so much and that will never change. It's me your [name] :) always will be.

Goodluck to the strongest lieutenant! Remember to keep him happy and healthy, take care of the person I cherish the most, okay? Wherever I am, I am somewhere carrying the short-lived love we had. Treasuring it forever,

Stay frosty yeah? Don't be like me. 

Until next time, lieutenant :)

﹑

[kazz-brekker]

hotd episode 6 thoughts

boy oh boy this episode was so full of many delicious character moments, i feel very well fed

aemond really was in his best goth villain era tonight, honestly good for him!

i have never seen tyland lannister look more uncomfortable than he did with aemond looming over him lmao

i enjoyed the scene where aemond is firing alicent from the council while also simultaneously holding her hand in place so she'll keep touching his face…tasty tasty family issues

loved that song that the dragonkeepers were singing while summoning seasmoke, it was a very cool detail

also, it was really fun seeing seasmoke again, especially since he's grown bigger since we last saw laenor riding him

man, aegon and rhaenyra really need to put out an ad in the paper for new members of the kingsguard and the queensguard, those guys are dropping like flies

ever since daemon's visions at harrenhal started i really hoped that we would get to see viserys since so many of daemon's issues stem from being cast aside as heir by his brother so i'm SO pleased we got those scenes, it was a present Just For Me

daemon bro stop threatening simon strong he's a nice old man who's done literally nothing bad to you

greatly enjoying this dynamic of daemon and his new bestie the weird witch who may or may not be psychologically tormenting him with visions of his past mistakes and issues

genuinely alys is my favorite new character this season, she's so fun and i just adore her scenes

madam sylvi, dyana, and ulf getting together to bitch about the food shortages…the greens better look out the smallfolk are unionizing

i am getting the sense that aemond and madame sylvi had a…less than amicable end to their working relationship

aemond tormenting aegon in his sickbed really made me go c'mon dude haven't you made him suffer enough, leave him ALONE!

from rhaena's scenes in the vale it appears that they've cut the character of nettles and give rhaena her storyline instead. not sure how i feel about this…i'm all for rhaena getting more to do but nettles is also an interesting character in her own right

knowing alyn and addam's parentage going into the show i suspected that alyn shaves his head because he inherited the velaryon white hair and i was pleased to see i was right

baby stormcloud is so cute! but holy shit my the pit of my stomach really dropped when jeyne arryn mentioned the ship the gay abandon. my fellow book readers, i am full of dread!

i really liked the scene between gwayne and alicent, since he wasn't in the first season it's interesting to see how their relationship with each other and otto has been affected by that huge distance

i kind of miss otto, i hope he comes back by the end of the season

daeron mention! facts about daeron! a personality! never thought i'd see the day!

one of my favorite hobbies is being emo about scenes of alicent physically putting herself between her children and physical harm so i liked her and helaena fleeing from the riot together

that scene with larys and aegon was sooooooo interesting, there's definitely some manipulation/attempts to curry favor coming from larys, but i also hadn't considered that he might now feel some genuine solidarity with aegon after his injuries and can speak frankly about his disability and offer advice

i have been waiting since daemon got to harrenhal and began being tormented for him to have a breakdown and start crying so i was quite pleased when that happened :)

knowing that seasmoke is chasing after addam because he wants him to be his rider made that whole sequence really funny to me

i have often blogged about how daemon and rhaenyra each have what the other one wants (freedom and patriarchal status vs. viserys's love and position as his heir) so it was super fun for me to hear rhaenyra actually verbalize that

i have been super into queer readings of this show since the beginning and all season whenever rhaenyra and mysaria interact i've been like "hmm…are they flirting…" but i truly did not expect them to actually kiss. rhaenyra targaryen canonically queer! on my tv screen! never thought i would see the day!

crazy to think that we only have 2 episodes of this season left after this, can't wait to see what unhinged drama still awaits us

[salbei-141]

Go to sleep, I got you (Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x reader)

Masterlist

word count: 3.3k

warnings: 18+, anxiety, daddy issues, pure fluff and comfort, mention of night terrors

a/n: do I believe Ghost is as soft as I’m gonna make him in this? No not really. Do I care about the realism of his character? No, I don’t.

Hopefully this is a nice comfort fic for any of you struggling with anxiety or having a hard time - I get how difficult it can be and I'm a sucker for fluffy fics when I feel like that.

(all is edited, praying there's no more mistakes)

:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had been struggling to sleep recently - every night as you were getting ready for bed you felt each symptom of your anxiety starting to brew. You had been through hell and back several times and yet it was a sudden increase of unnecessary adrenaline that was causing the most havoc in your life. You hadn’t mentioned it to anyone on the base, scared you’d be put on leave or something - that was the last thing you wanted.

Feeling your heart rate pick up, you sat yourself on the edge of your bed, holding your head in an attempt to steady yourself. Instead you felt yourself becoming increasingly claustrophobic, and the layers of your uniform started to feel like they were choking you, causing you to start sweating in a panic with a wave of dizziness taking over your senses. Sliding onto the cool floor, you removed the layers of your uniform and sat there in your trousers and a bra. Mentally you were going over breathing in and out, focusing on deep breaths, but you were struggling to fill your lungs, and started to panic further when you were only achieving shallow breaths. That’s it, you needed to get out of this room. Suddenly everything started closing in on you, so quickly grabbing a hoodie, you threw it on and made your way out of the barracks and outside. Finally taking a deep breath, you felt your lungs filling with the air you felt like you were lacking. With another breath, you slid your back against the cold bricked wall.

How much longer were you to continue like this? You didn’t want to receive help, you felt like you should be able to get through this without being a burden to anyone else - for god sake you were an adult now, and at the very least you were expected to take care of yourself. You didn’t want to go ask for some drugs either - dad had drilled that one into your head since you were a kid - “you need to grow up y/n, you can’t keep acting like this - I ain’t about to have a kid who has to pop a pill every time they feel a bit scared”, the memories felt harsh when you’d look back on them, but you always gave your dad the benefit of the doubt, it was tough love your mum would say.

Suddenly you felt tears welling up in your eyes - all you had ever wanted was a bit of support growing up and instead, you were left fearful as you dealt with things alone. You couldn’t help but let yourself be vulnerable - there was no one around at this time, so you knew you’d be okay.

Before any more tears were able to decorate your face though, you heard a familiar set of steps coming from your right. Wiping at your eyes, praying they weren't obviously red, you looked up at Ghost - both of you made eye contact and he spotted your red eyes immediately and felt his stomach drop. The whole team knew he had a soft spot for you - he'd always be by your side after missions making sure you were okay, and when you all went out drinking after any successes, he'd watch you from whatever corner you were all sat in as you danced with the team and made drunken conversation with whoever would speak to you - ready to jump them like some sort of animal if they ever made the wrong moves on you.

Without a word, Ghost crouched down on his knees in front of you, neither of you breaking eye contact with each other, "What's going on with you love?" he asked in a soft gruffness he had reserved for you and you only.

You put on a smile, hoping you could convince him enough, "Hi Ghost. I just couldn't sleep - back was killing me after training today" You laughed out, not wanting to bother him with your issues - your dad had taught you better.

He could see straight through your bullshit and he wasn't leaving you until you told him the truth and he could actively tell you were okay. "It hurting you that much it made you cry?" he got you - he'd seen you beat and shot several times on the field, and it was rare he'd see you cry then, let alone from some back pain.

You softly sighed, looking away, you didn't want to make eye contact with him right now - you felt bad for lying, especially since you knew he'd caught you out.

"Love, tell me what's going on." you shivered as the breeze hit you both, and Ghost stood, holding his hand out to you, "We'll talk inside where it's warm." swallowing, you took his hand, allowing him to pull you up from the ground - his hands felt nice, they were rough, but they were gentle - you teased he was a gentle giant once, and you stand by that comment.

"Ghost?" you mumbled to him, hoping he heard.

Without missing a beat, his head snapped to yours, "hm?".

"Can we go to your room? I can't go in mine right now. I'm sorry, we don't have to, I under-" before you could continue your mumbles he cut you off.

"y/n, of course we can, you don't need to apologise to me for anything, okay?" you nodded in response, his eyes were kind, and he wasn't mad.

Following Ghost to his room, you felt your palms starting to sweat again - you knew he'd get you to talk, and you'd never said this to anyone, you were scared to admit your vulnerabilities - you struggled to accept them yourself, let alone have someone else accept them or even worse if they didn't accept them, then singled you out more than how you already felt.

Ghost opened the door to his room, waiting for you to walk in first like the gentleman he is - it made you smile, it was a simple gesture, but you appreciated it nonetheless. As you walked past you chuckled to yourself as you noticed the size difference between you both, he was towering over you - it always made you giggle being stood next to the giant.

His room was fairly bare - yours was too though, the barracks weren't home to you even if you did spend a majority of your time here, you didn't ever want to settle enough to the point where it became home - Ghost seemed the same.

You walked in, settling on the edge of his bed, feeling yourself sink down as you placed your weight onto it. You had a scowl on your face, there was a noticeable difference in the comfort of his mattress to your own - it really did pay to have a higher rank sometimes.

Looking back up at Ghost, you watched as he sat next to you, not looking at you, but you knew his full attention was on you. He had a staring problem, but he knew better than to make you feel any more vulnerable than what you were.

"So, you going to tell me what's been going on y/l/n?" it was rhetorical - as much as you knew he'd never make you talk more than what you felt comfortable with - you also knew he wanted enough information so he could understand you and try and help you.

Fiddling with your hands in your lap, you felt yourself growing anxious again, "uh, so lately I've been getting I guess you could call them anxiety attacks of sorts. I say lately, but I've dealt with it since I was a kid, but recently it's felt like I've been losing control Simon." you felt yourself tearing up again, you didn't like this one bit, and Simon could tell. You felt his hand move to your knee and rest on your thigh, circling it with his thumb in an attempt to calm you down and prompt you to continue. "I end up staying awake for hours on end - I just have all these thoughts going through my head, spreading like wildfire - one concern after another, and I'm so exhausted Simon, I really am, but I have no clue what to." He continued rubbing soft circles into your thigh, listening intently as you went. "I need...I...I think I need help Simon." you looked up at him, seeing his gaze on your own - his eyes were sad, he had no idea you'd be struggling with this by yourself, and he wished he'd noticed sooner. With a deep breath, and a wipe of your eyes you continued, "I didn't want to tell anyone, I don't want to take leave from the team - it wouldn't help, and I know it wouldn't - I'd just be even more alone, with even more time to linger on my own thoughts. And I thought I could do this alone, I mean I'm not a child anymore, I should be okay, why can't I do this?" and that's when you broke, you fell into his shoulder, then his chest as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder, bringing his spare hand to the side of your face, stroking it gently as you cried.

Simon felt his heart ache hearing your cries, he wanted to take all the pain you felt away - you didn't deserve to feel like this, you were so good to him, to the whole team, you shouldn't have to endure what you're going through.

As your cries slowed down into little sniffles, Ghost took his chance to speak, while you continued to feel secure in his arms, "Love, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that alone, I wish I had noticed sooner," he squeezed you to him gently a bit more, "but you don't need to feel as alone as you do. You know I'm always here for you, and I can guarantee you the rest of the team is too, but I'm more than happy to be your first point of contact at any time - I don't want you to feel like you can't ever come to me, I'll be here to support you. You're not going to be put on temporary leave either, if it's not going to help you then it's not going to happen, okay?" he felt you nod into his chest, making him smile underneath the mask a bit. "Look, how about you sleep here tonight - only if you feel comfortable of course. Maybe you'll sleep better if you weren't so alone, and we've got another long day of training tomorrow, so I'd rather you weren't sleep deprived trying to spar Johnny who will be full of energy", feeling you chuckle into his chest, Ghost felt warmth spread throughout his - you weren't crying anymore, but you still felt exposed.

Gently standing from his position on the bed, Ghost pulled you up, encapsulating you within his arms once more. You couldn't lie, you'd never felt so protected as you felt right now, you knew Simon would never let anything hurt you, and there was a newfound comfort in knowing he didn't see you as a burden, but he was read to assist you in your panic attacks, and help you sleep. You felt your heart flutter at his actions.

"How about you take a pair of my pyjama bottoms to sleep in love, then we'll get to bed?" you again nodded at the suggestion, you were happy you felt like you were going to finally get a decent night's sleep because of Ghost - the big man that everyone seemed to be afraid of, but not to you - you could never fear him, you saw the man he was under the mask, even if he tried to hide it from you.

Handing you a pair of bottoms, he allowed you to enter to bathroom to get ready for the night while he waited on the bed. Walking in you looked in the mirror, noticing how puffy your eyes were. Splashing some water on your face, you then patted it dry and removed your own trousers to put his bottoms on. They were huge - engulfing your legs, so you had none left. Chuckling at the size of his clothes, you rolled the bottom of the pajamas up enough that you wouldn't trip over them. Removing your bra, so you didn't have to deal with it digging into you all night, you placed it on top of your folded tousers. Finishing up in the bathroom, you took a final breath and walked out.

"Feeling better love?" you nodded at him giving a small smile, and you noticed the way his masked shifted where his lips were - he was smiling too.

"Alright then, go take a side and I'll be with you soon" he said as he made his way into the bathroom to change himself.

Laying in Simon's bed felt like a dream, you were entranced by the scent of his aftershave on the bedding - already feeling relaxed enough to fall asleep then and there as your eyelids became heavy. You were ready to give in to sleep but wanted to wish Simon a goodnight.

Turning on your side, and gently closing your eyes, you were willing yourself to not fall asleep. Before you knew it though you felt a dip in the bed next to you and the lights went dark. Turning to face Simon you placed your head on his chest whispering a small "Thank you and goodnight" into his ear and it made his own heart skip a beat that you appreciated him enough to do that.

Wanting to remain on his chest and listen to his heart beat as it lulled you to sleep, you moved back onto your side not wanting to cross a line. You already missed the feeling of his breath in your hair, and his skin against your cheek. Feeling a surge of confidence you turned back to Simon, he was secretly hoping he'd be able to hold you again - his arms felt empty and as much as he knew he was helping you sleep, you were doing just as much for him - he doesn't know when he last had a full night's sleep either. "Simon, can I uh-" before you could finish the sentence he moved you back onto his chest, wrapping an arm around your waist as your hand landed on his chest. Feeling you smile into his chest, he placed a chaste kiss on top of your head, making you catch your breath realising he'd removed the mask - he trusted you, and you felt a surge of happiness spread within you.

Humming into his chest, you felt your eyes close as you listened to the rhythmic beat of his heart as his arms remained circled around your body, keeping you in place and secure - he made you feel in control again. With a final breath, you succumbed to sleep as Simon watched your breathing go into a steady pattern. Knowing you were okay now, Simon closed his own eyes, holding you close to his body, relishing in your warmth and comfort, and he too succumbed to sleep and found himself void of night terrors and only with visions of you in his dreams.

[adiosmotherfck]

Alone Again

Simon "Ghost" Riley x fem!Reader

situation:

He didn't manage to save you, to stop you, it happened too quick, too fast and he had to pay for his mistake TWICE.

cw: ANGST, death, NO HAPPY END, violence, gore, blood, guns, trauma. Reader dies.

word count: 2,5k

By proceeding you admit that you've read the warnings.

MIA

That word was engraved into his brain by this point. Her was getting sick of hearing it over and over again. In fact, he has gotten sick the first time he heard your name and MIA in the same sentence. He has never thought he could physically be sick at this point in life, but everything changed when you disappeared without a trace.

There was no time, you had to save the people inside the building, you didn’t listen to his orders or anyone’s if that matters. You went it and you proved them you were able to do your task, several people running out of the building and towards the rest of the Task Force, civilians, women, men.

They were quickly taken in the protection and sent off to the safety, Price and Ghost commanding the rescue of those people, to get them to the safe place and far away from the active gunfire, fires, and bombarding.

Soap was monitoring the building you went in from a far, counting seconds, hoping for you to walk out of it. He didn’t want to report to Ghost that you’ve done it but didn’t make it.

He didn’t have to do that, the moment Ghost and Price returned, the building collapsed, all four floors of stone crashing into a pile of blocks and dust. Simon didn’t have enough strength in him to turn to Soap and ask if you’ve made it out. Deep down he knew. He knew that if you’d were out, you’d already be here, he knew you’d help escorting the civilians.

“I’m sorry, Simon.” He heard from his side, the moment after he felt Price’s hand land on his shoulder.

Price, Soap, Gaz, and Laswell were the only ones who knew that you and he were more than just colleagues. You were more than just two soldiers working on the same team. You weren’t even friends, you were far gone past that point, loving each other, having each other’s backs, being there for each other, covering each other, doing everything to make each other’s world better.

You were a bright star in Simon’s life, you showed him how to smile again, you taught him how to laugh, you showed him things he would never see from his life behind the mask. You made him feel things that he thought people were making up. He owed you more than you ever knew.

He taught you how to handle knives. Your trick always being guns, you weren’t the best with the knives, and it was one of his twisted ways of showing that he cared and loved you. He showed you the correct ways on how to throw them, his tricks and never lost his temper or patience with you, when you threw it badly or didn’t understand something.

He showed you how to survive in a situation where you don’t have a single weapon on you. He taught you how to pay attention to details and spot things you could combine to make a weapon out of them.

He made sure to teach you everything he knows, he tried to prepare you for the situation that if he is gone, you can defend yourself at a hundred percent. You were a great soldier, you were skilled in combat, but he always was worried over your safety, he always wanted to make sure you were safe and could face any situation life throws at you.

But there was one that he didn’t predict or prepare you for.

When a four floored building falls on your head while you were saving the civilians out of it.

He stood there, his fists clenched, the only visible reaction he showed.

You were the one that always adored his eyes. Even after he took off his mask for you, after he stopped wearing it when you two were alone, you always loved his eyes. His brown eyes, that spoke more words than he audibly did. You always held eye contact with him, your favorite detail about him were his eyes.

His eyes, in which right now reflected the fire from the building that collapsed with you in it.

He slowly looked down at the ground in front of him, for the Ghost that always kept his head up and spine straight, this was an unusual look. Soap and Price didn’t dare to say a word, they knew how much you mattered to him, and they couldn’t bring themselves to walk him away from there.

They had to leave, they needed to go further, they couldn’t stay there, the enemy was still too close, they couldn’t allow standing in plain sight for someone to spot them. But they had an idea that Simon didn’t care right now. He lost the one he relearned how to live with and who he relearned how to live for.

The last bits of sanity left in him were holding him back from going into that burning building and picking up block by block, stone by stone, find you.

He didn’t even process anything around him, with the thoughts of you being taken away from him clouding his mind. He felt himself falling back into the fog of his mind that he always was in before you came into it like a bright star, giving him light to go in the direction of, leading him out of the darkness he was in.

“We have to go, Simon. We need to push further, or they will be back. Let’s secure this for her.” Price’s voice sounded somewhere far away for him, echoing in his mind, calling him back into reality.

He shrugged off Price’s hand. He grabbed his riffle from his side and went further without saying a single word or taking a single look at them.

Soap and Price followed him to the active battle zone and kept their mission going. Both of them knew that Ghost won’t be the same anymore, they knew that everything is going to be different from now on. They didn’t talk apart from Price giving them directions and orders.

Ghost’s finger was permanently on the trigger, he went for everyone’s heads in a blind numb rage, that was eating him from the inside. He changed magazine after magazine, wiping out enemy’s forces like they took you from him.

The mission was called successful, something Ghost never agreed with. They secured the territory, they freed civilians from the enemy forces, they killed half of the enemy army, leaving him vulnerable.

After the mission he went back to the building.

He used all of his power he has to go with the search operation to search for your body.

He watched them drag out several enemy soldiers’ bodies.

He watched them come back emptyhanded.

They wanted to announce you K.I.A, he pushed for the M.I.A status since your body was never found, nowhere nearby, nowhere in the building. He thought it would help him; it would give him hope for your come back. It gave him hope that maybe you will never come back but someone helped you out and you are going to live somewhere far but in peace.

Since that day he has never been the same. His anger spiraled downwards, he had problems keeping his temper, he ran out of patience in two moments, he dared anyone bring up your name in front of him. Several did that mistake; his fist has never connected with anyone’s face so quickly.

He lost sleep. Again.

He had troubles with sleeping before you came into his life. He was used to sleepless nights and dark circles under his eyes, that were covered with black paint anyway. He was used to peaceful loneliness filled with terrors of his past, he got used to them long time ago. But now he was struggling all over again. His terrors were you screaming in pain, as your life is leaving you in that building. He stood there and watched you, he tried to scream, yell, move, grab you and drag you out of what building, but he was frozen in place, not being able to move, enemy faces laughing at him and his helplessness.

Soon after he gave up sleep, he would rather live on caffeine and adrenaline than watch that once again. He didn’t care when others offered him help, he didn’t even care to hear them out. He didn’t need help. He needed you.

Anytime Soap, Price or Gaz offered him knowing looks he had to hold himself from punching those looks off their faces. He threw himself into every mission available, took every work he could to not be left alone with his thoughts, they weren’t better than his nightmares.

The enemy they were fighting against back there, when you went missing, went into hiding, taking half his army with him. That was the biggest task hanging over the Task Force now, to find him until he makes more moves.

Months passed since your disappearing, 4 months in total. Task Force were gathered in the meeting room, discussing the plan of their new mission. They managed to get intel on the enemy, thanks to the overseas friends and their help. Ghost didn’t want any plans, he wanted to go in guns blazing and smile in the face of the enemy that took you away from him. He didn’t care if he walked out of there or not.

But he still sat through the meetings, the planning, and preparations. He helped develop those plans because he knew that it was important not only to him but to everyone else too.

He prepared his best riffle, stacked all the magazines into his vest pockets, pants pockets and everywhere where it was easy to access them. Half of his subconsciousness still was moving him on the plan to go in guns blazing and make everyone’s life hell.

The mission was going according to plan, all the way until the last bit.

When they were entering the main building, they saw two figures on top of the staircase.

“Hold your fire!” the command roared in the air.

Everyone froze in place with their guns raised at the top of the staircase. The smoke from grenades, fire and smoke bombs was clouding the place, making it hard to see the faces, they stood there in complete silence, until one of the figures spoke.

“I have a deal for you. Something tells me you will want to hear me out.” The enemy’s voice sounded from the top.

The smoke finally settled down a little and Simon had to process everything almost dropping the gun from his hands, when he found you staring him in the eyes. The enemy hand an arm around your throat and a gun to your head, keeping you in front of him as a human shield.

You were still wearing the same clothes as 4 months ago, your hair messy and dirty, your skin pale and dried blood on almost all the parts of you. Ghost did not want to take any more of this, he would take out the man before he will even realize he moved, but then his eyes dropped to your stomach.

Blood was streaming down your legs, your stomach being cut almost open. The terrors flooded his mind and vision again, he was living through losing you all over again. He couldn’t allow that, he can’t let you slip away from him again.

“You get your girl back and let me go. A simple deal to your liking.” The enemy offered, keeping the gun in place.

Simon’s eyes found yours again, it was almost unnoticeable, but you glanced down at your stomach and then made a small movement like a shake of your head.

You were telling him that it wasn’t worth it, you won’t make it out, don’t agree to it. Please.

Before Ghost could react, a shot sounded and the enemy dropped on the floor, tugging you with him. The heads turned towards the window and Price saw Soap peeking out from his sniper riffle in the opposite building.

Simon didn’t waste a moment, in a second he was already on his knees by your side, pushing the enemy’s body away, putting your head on his knees and applying pressure to your wound. He didn’t speak even if in his mind he was screaming for you to hold on, he heard Price calling for the medics at the bottom of the staircase.

He froze when your hand landed on top of his, that was on your stomach.

“Just know..Simon..” you said with a small smile on your face, you were happy to finally see him again, that you got to see him one more time before the unavoidable was coming after you.

“Don’t Y/N. Don’t fucking say that. Everything will be fine.” He grunted, holding your stomach. His hands were covered in your blood, your blood that was pooling on your sides was staining his pants, but he didn’t care, he couldn’t care less about it, he cared only about one thing – you surviving.

“I love you, Simon. I love you, Ghost.” You whispered, while the man shook his head, not ready to accept what is about to come.

“Please.. see the world for me. Don’t give up on yourself without me.. I will.. always be with.. you.” You struggled to speak, your throat tightening.

You looked at him, as he slowly tugged off his mask, looking you in the eyes. He wanted for you to see him before you close your eyes forever, he wanted for you to see Simon, not Lieutenant Simon “Ghost” Riley. He wanted for you to know that he matter to him.

“I love you, Y/N” he said keeping his stare on your eyes, your weak smile losing form several moments later.

His hand on your wound weakened, there was no point in putting pressure on it anymore. There was no point in putting pressure on it since the beginning and both of you knew it, the cut was too big and too deep to be saved.

His hand clenched the mask in his fist, hearing a following crack of the material of the skull. He didn’t react when medics arrived and took your body. He didn’t react when Soap sat down near him, his eyes glistening.

He knew he wouldn’t be okay, he wouldn’t let you go, he wouldn’t move on, he wouldn’t accept it.

But he had to keep your last wish, he had to do what you asked him for, he would overstep himself and do it, but he was never letting you go. He didn’t care how much that will damage him, he was too damaged to begin with, and you managed to put little pieces back together, but now.. there was nothing to put back together anymore, he was broken to the core, his familiar fog taking over his mind.

[ghostssimp]

//in the dark// Simon Ghost Riley

A/N

This one is comfort and comfort and comfort! I'm a little into my feelings today, so you're getting this. Sorry not sorry, we need a little of a soft Ghost too. Hope you like it and enjoy your day!

Numb. That's all that you felt. Numbness. There are no feelings of regret, of sadness, of fear. There is a void. Void in your head and heart. Today, you almost lost not only yours, but Ghost's life. It was an ambush and the two of you were alone. You risked your life for him, and barely made it. There was a deeper cut on your leg that medic has patched up. You didn't even feel the pain. It all reminds you of your team before 141.

You lost them all. Again in ambush. They all died before your eyes as you were betrayed. It was hard to go through the loss, and to think that you could've lost him, it scared you.

You and Ghost never had feelings between the two of you. You mostly get off some stress out on each other by fucking endless. He was an animal in bed and he satisfied all your needs, as you did his. You didn't think that the feelings would eventually come, but they did. They've been here for awhile, but you never said anything. You knew he would back down, avoid you, so you never said anything.

But today, you almost lost him. You risked everything for him, and you were unsure what to do next.

So you walked. More exact, you limped. You limped towards his room, only feeling your heart beating in your chest. The only thought was him.

You are in love. In love with a man that you don't even know what he looks like. With a man who fucked you every day. With a man that is your Lieutenant.

At his door, you are debating your decision to come here. Should you knock? Should you turn around? Should you just ignore the feelings in you? You knew you should've suppressed them, you should do it even now, because with the life you're living, well... It can't end well. You're living on the edge, dancing with death with every step, all you have to wait is for the dance to stop.

Everything connected to love was taken from you, so, can you give yourself some through him?

Before you decided what to do, the door of his room opened. As your eyes met, the blood rushed through you to your face. He had his balclava on, in a green shirt and pants. He looked casual, but still hot. "Hey." You're the first one to break the silence. His eyes gazed upon your face, scanning it all over. He didn't say a thing. His hand found your wrist and gently pulled you into his room, the door softly clicked behind you. The two of you were in the dark, the only light was coming from the small window and all you could see was his silhouette. His palm found your face as he softly touched it, the other one found your waist.

Little to say that you are confused, because this man has never shown this side of himself. Mostly he would touch your other body parts, but mostly because of sex. Never did he touch your face so gently. Never was he so soft.

In the dark, you could see his hand uplift and go to his face. You weren't sure what he was doing, not until you felt his lips on yours. The weirdest part is that he has never kissed you.

Kissing meant feelings, and feelings weren't acceptable. But you wanted them to be, so you kissed him back, with all your feelings, with all the love you felt for him. He gave it all back. Your heart was pounding in your chest, head was spinning with everything that was happening, all until he pulls away and backs down.

You frown at him, completely confused and breathless. "Ghost?" He groans and walks away from you, turning his back. "What's wrong?" Your voice was above a whisper. It sounded soft and vulnerable. You never showed it anywhere, and he made you soft. He made you vulnerable.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. It's a mistake." His rough voice cut through the air like a knife. It hurt a little to hear that, but you already knew him. He always pushes everyone out, so you aren't angry at him. You understood his response.

"I'm not. I don't think it's a mistake." In a few slow steps, you found yourself behind him. You can see his dark statue shake its head and his shoulders fall a little.

"You don't understand. I... You can't change me, Banshee." You frown. You know that. Not like anyone could change you also. "I never wanted that. I would never even think about it. I can love you as you are. Ghost I. I'm falling for who you are."

He stiffened. Crap. You made a mistake. You shouldn't have said that. You ruined it, didn't you? You ruined even a little of what you had.

As he turned towards you, your heart skipped a beat. He was close again. "You can't love a monster, Y/N." There was pain in his voice, you could feel it. So your hand found his clothed cheek. "Only a monster could love a monster, Simon."

A minute of silence and no movement. Then his arm lifted up and he pulled his mask off. Of course in the dark you couldn't see anything, but a silhouette of his hair and head.

His lips crashed against yours, pulling you in, dragging you in. His hands found your cheeks and held them softly. His body pressed against you and pushed you gently towards his bed.

When your legs touched the corner of the bed, he pulled off and gently lay you down. He is on top of you now, rubbing against you, kissing you with all the passion you didn't even know he had in him, making you crave him even more.

"Then, I am gonna love you like a monster."

[lovecoredeity]

Cashmere:

-What is your oc’s fursona?

-In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts?

-What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

-If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be? 

-Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story?

-What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

-💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

-🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

-🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

-✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?

-💧 DROPLET - random angst headcanon

-🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with?

-💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they're in love?

-💔 BROKEN HEART - what could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

Lanturn:

-What inspired you to create them?

-Are they someone you would get along with?  Would they get along with you?

-What traits of theirs bothers you the most?

-What triggers nostalgia for them most often?  Do they enjoy that feeling?

-How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? 

-If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

-💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they're in love?

-🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what's different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?

nightmare: What does your OC have nightmares about? How do they deal with their nightmares? Do they tell people, or keep it to themself?

mistake: What's the worst mistake your OC ever made? What led to them making it? Have they been able to fix it? How have they moved on?

heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC? 

What is your favorite fact about your OC?

What type of Avatar The Last Airbender-type bender (or non-bender) would your OC be? Any bending specialties?

General:

-What ocs (if any) might you associate with these songs: Icarus by Bastille, Scarborough Fair by Simon and Garfunkel, and Circles by Passenger

Cashmere:

♡ Cashmere’s fursona would be a bunny!

♡ Honestly I’ve only recently begun expanding upon their world, the world they live in is basically fantasy dnd france but also inspired by Fontaine from genshin which is Also France. I think like the over the top lavishness of it all has influenced Cashmere!

♡ writing is definitely the hardest part for like, me in general regardless of oc, I’m real bad at writing lol

♡ hmmm nothing that hasn’t already been changed! The fun part of it all is that I can make whatever changes I want, rather than something I regret adding I regret taking away their heart shaped horns, Cassiopeia is the one with those horns now but Cashmere used to have them but badly drawn (I got rid of them because I couldn’t draw them well lmao)

♡ the worst future for Cashmere would be one in which they return to their family and their life goes back to how it was before they died! They struggle a lot with how they view each member of their family and their relationship with each of their family members but even then they know that the last thing they want is to go back to being nothing more than a pawn to their family!

♡ hmmm I think Cashmere’s bouquet would be a mix of lily of the valley (meaning to return to happiness), bleeding hearts (symbolizes love and sorrow), and then maybe the fake flower I made, love me nots which symbolize unrequited love, none of these really look great together but it’s 1:50am as I write this and these are the flowers I always associate with Cashmere! (There was another flower I was thinking about in relation to them the other day but I forgor) also I got the flower meanings from a quick search so don’t kill me if I’m wrong, the only one I’m certain about is the flower I made up lol

♡ I think Cashmere’s greatest wish is happiness and to be loved, companionship, all those things. Cashmere would do anything to have and protect these things.

♡ Hmmm good question, I think just cast them aside, belittle them and make them feel unwanted which is an obvious answer but like Cashmere wants to have a sense of belonging and being wanted ya know? To give someone your heart and have them act like they don’t care would hurt a lot for him!!

Lanturn:

☾ some ppl I knew did!

☾ I’d like to think Lanturn and I would get along with each other, mostly because I like him but also because most of my ocs are created with bits and pieces of myself in them, I think we’d scheme and be bitchy together lmao

☾ his arrogance and lack of self preservation like bestie you are going to DIE if you don’t watch yourself oh my god

☾ I think they feel a lot of nostalgia when they’re in a library or quiet place learning more about magic, ever since he was a child he knew he wanted to study magic and would go behind his families back to do so! It’s a bit bittersweet due to the circumstances and his family not approving of his choice to peruse wizard shit

☾ He’s possessive and bitchy, he will cling harder to the object of his jealousy in an attempt to scare off whoever is in his way as well as be a nuisance to the object of his jealousy!

☾ i am too sleepy to appropriately answer this rn, pray I remember to when I’m more awake and can figure out how to best describe this!

☾ I think it’s not noticeable unless he wants it to be, I feel like after years of his side job of seducing rich folk he’s gotten good at hiding and controlling how he expresses feelings! I think if he was really truly experiencing a genuine crush he would still have a few slip ups, perhaps not speak as eloquently as he’d like, purr perhaps?

☾ oh he For Sure acts differently around different people, he has multiple personas he wears, who he is at wizard college (idk how else to call it help), with his estranged family, whatever friends he’s managed to make, his “clients” or at one of his many jobs, who even knows what the real Lanturn is like. Lanturn isn’t even his real name lmao (his real name is Divinity but he only uses that for like school and normal life purposes and family)

☾ I think he has nightmares about his actions catching up to him, someone is bound to get sick of his shit, or that all his hard work will be for nothing and he’ll never become a talented wizard, things like that! He ignores his nightmares <3 king of ignoring his problems. he doesn’t tell anyone anything if he doesn’t absolutely have to

☾ as of rn I don’t have a like big mistake planned for him, it could be argued that seducing rich people who are probably already in relationships and trying to live a hannah montanna best of both worlds double life is a huge mistake, it just hasn’t bitten him in the ass yet

☾ as of rn none of his relationships has ended with HIM being hurt, if anyone is breaking hearts it’s him <3 I’m sure he’s had his fair share of messy relationships with equally as messy endings

☾ Lanturn can no longer tell if his dream is to be a great and beloved wizard or to live a lavish and extravagant life, he’s open about his ambitions as far as being a brilliant wizard goes, as said before he doesn’t say more than necessary to people. Lanturn would do whatever it takes to achieve his goals and dreams!

☾ I recently discovered that he is a Gemini

☾ my favourite fact is that despite what people may assume, he’s actually really smart and well spoken and passionate about academic matters! (Whether or not I, a dumbass, could ever play him as such if the opportunity arose is a different matter)

☾ I think that Lanturn would be a firebender!

General questions:

Icarus: Lanturn for sure <3

Scarborough: hmmm Cashmere maybe?

Circles: none as of rn because none of my ocs are so soft <3 it’s a very nice song so maybe one day that’ll change!

pop culture questions

not so nice questions

emoji asks

creating ocs

Sorry this is so long an incoherent and rambly omg

[sunnyelfs]

Now that I know how it ended, I'm going to pretend the series ended on season two. 

Am I glad for the Wilmon endgame? Of course I am. Am I happy with the whole season three? Uh-uh. 

For the entire first five episodes, I felt like the writers were trying to create a lot of drama that was unnecessary while dumping really important stuff. After having video and dr*gs thing looming over the characters for two seasons, we got a resolution to those problems in what, ten minutes in the first episode? And after that, we're supposed to worry about the school closing? Ah, okay.

Once again, I'll agree with everyone who's already said it before me: this season has really messed up Wille and Simon's relationship. And while it's written logically, I still have a strong feeling that it was just for the sake of drama, just to keep us in suspense, to keep us wondering if they'll get over it. And that's just too damn bad. 

And the last episode in particular cranked that problem to the max (for me). Most of the episode was devoted to how they're trying to come to terms with the breakup. Thanks, I had a whole season two to know they weren't going to make it, they're in love and will never be fully over each other, can we move on?

Wille's reconciliation with his parents is wonderful, but it felt so strained, like, wow, one fight was enough for them to realize their mistakes. One conversation after that was enough for him to be allowed to leave? No, I believe he can leave his role (he shouldn't have been so active in it until after high school anyway) and live a relatively non-public life, but it seems so quick and easy.

The only thing that really felt like something earned after the long journey was Wilhelm's "reconciliation" with August. I didn't think I needed it, but this season made me look forward to something like that.

No, I believe that Wille and Simon will get through whatever it is, I believe they will be together, get married, have their three tiny dogs and be happy. I knew that before season three came out. My problem with this season is that all the drama for the sake of drama feels like it stole a lot of priceless time from the plot. Oh no, Erik might not have been the nicest person! Ah, bygones, he's a great brother after all. (Yes, this storyline was important to Wille, but I'm sure it could have been shown much better). School might close and our heroes won't be able to be around each other! Oh, you know, that hasn't been decided definitely yet. Anyways, they were willing to date long distance. Simon getting physically threatened by fanatics? Surely it won't get any worse when Wilhelm's abdication is announced and these nutjobs connect the dots and blame Simon. Our heroes have obvious communication problems and their difference in backgrounds does become an issue sometimes? Oopsie, we'll turn a blind eye to that now. And it feels like that from almost every storyline this season. A lot of new problems going unresolved.

Honestly, I've read fanfics that continued their story way better than season three did. And this is just sad. Still, happy Wilmon endgame everyone! 

[bridgertonbabe]

Now I need the follow up to the angst and Benedict telling tell her how much of a dick he was/is and how he’s loved her all this time please

Anon asked: BUT HOW DOES HP!BENOPHIE ACTUALLY GET TOGETHER AFTER ALL THE YULE BALL DEBACLE 😭

Right, I’ve stalled long enough, so *cracks knuckles* here goes;

Benedict arrives at Aubrey Hollow around a week before Simon and Daphne’s wedding takes place in order to help his family set up and prepare ahead of the big day. While Sophie sees quite a bit of him, she is glad that there are always Bridgertons around to provide a buffer between them, lest she make the mistake of being led on by him again.

They start off being politely cordial to one another but the more time spent together in close proximity under the same roof, the more they fall back into the easy rapport they used to have growing up prior to everything that happened at the Yule ball and after. They team up in teasing Colin together, they help cook dinner with Violet one night, and they bring up the rear of his group of siblings one day when they traipse through the fields to visit the local village just as they used to. 

It takes several days for them to find themselves alone together as they cleared up after a game of Quidditch with Simon, Kate, and his siblings. It’s then that Benedict offers her apologies, for what he said at the Yule ball - Sophie was shocked that he knew she had overheard him until she realised that Phillip must have told him - and for stopping their near-hookup on the beach in Greece. He tells her that he doesn’t want her to hate him, the thought of which had haunted him for the last two years. Sophie quickly extends an apology out to him in turn, saying she didn’t mean what she said when she yelled at him on the beach that fateful evening. She had spent two year cringing at the memory of screaming she hated him, and she explained to him that she was drunk and emotional and what she had said wasn’t fair of her, especially when in retrospect she can understand he didn’t want to take advantage of her when she was inebriated.

It’s certainly a step in the right direction and Sophie is relieved that the bad air has finally been cleared between them, making her feel incredibly light and it’s only then that she realises that she had been weighed down by that friction and angst for quite some time. She was curious when Benedict opened his mouth as if to say something else but he was robbed of the chance when Hyacinth swooped in and stole her away to help with the dinner. 

With amends having been made, the pair remained close in the days leading up to the wedding and were typically buddied up by Violet as they assisted with the many preparations that needed seeing to. Despite spending a lot of time together, there wasn’t another opportunity for them to be alone again since they were constantly surrounded by Bridgertons and it seemed whatever Benedict had wanted to say to her the other day was something he wanted to speak with her in private about.

On the day of the wedding Aubrey Hollow is bustling with life as the family all rush about to get ready. Sophie had come down to the living room assuming to find Eloise who she had thought would be there and who could help her finish zipping up her dress - but instead she found Benedict. She had tried to excuse herself but Benedict noticed her half-done zip at the back of her dress and offered to help her with it. Sophie swallowed and nodded, turning her back to him, and as soon as she felt his fingers ghosting against her skin her heart began frantically beating. Though her dress was now zipped up, Benedict’s fingers lingered for a few seconds and he murmured how beautiful she was. She looked over her shoulder and met his piercing gaze with her heavy-lidded own and suddenly she felt a heavy anticipation hanging in the air between them, coaxing them to draw closer as their eyes fell to each other’s lips - only for the charged longing to be disrupted by the Bridgerton brothers galloping down the stairs. 

They quickly stepped apart though none of his brothers noticed the flush that graced their cheeks, with Anthony instead barking at Benedict asking as to where his cufflinks were. Benedict cursed when he realised he was missing the Bridgerton blue cufflinks that each of his brothers were wearing and acknowledged that he had left them up in his room. Before he had the chance to fetch them, Gregory pointed out that guests were already arriving and Anthony told Benedict there was no time to retrieve the cufflinks when they had to be ushers, but Sophie resolved the issue by volunteering to get them for Benedict. 

She hurried up to his room and went straight for the nightstand where Benedict had said they would be but they weren’t there. She thought perhaps he meant he had them in the nightstand drawer and pulled it open, only to be surprised by what she found. There was an enchanted photo and beaming back at her were teenage versions of herself and Benedict from the night of the Yule ball. She picked it up and stared as she only just remembered Daphne insisting on taking photos that night and had snapped one of her with Benedict outside of the Great Hall before the ball had begun. She saw how elated her sixteen year old self had been in that moment, blissfully unaware of the crushing heartbreak she would be on the tail end of by the end of the night. Her eyes then looked at Benedict from seven years earlier and she watched as he smiled at the camera before his twinkling gaze was drawn back to the girl by his side. Sophie’s breath hitched when she saw how he was looking at her, his face soft with fondness, his eyes dancing with affection, and a smile on his face that she had never seen him wear before. She didn’t know that Benedict had ever looked at her like that and he had truly never resembled his father more in that moment - Benedict was gazing at her in the same way she had always known Edmund Bridgerton to gaze adoringly at his wife. 

Her heart was fluttering madly and she realised she had been holding her breath for a number of minutes as she processed the way Benedict had once looked at her. What did it mean? Surely she was reading far too much into it? But then this was the night they had shared their first kiss, the first time she had felt that heavy anticipation between them - however this was also the night he had told his mates that she was just his little brother’s friend. For a second Sophie considered that she was letting her longing heart get the best of her, for hoping that this meant something when it probably didn’t until she wondered why Benedict had this photo in his possession. The photo was a little worn, as if it had been handled quite often and she could see fingerprints smudging the image. She also realised that it hadn’t been just knocking about in a junk drawer, left unforgotten for years; it was in the drawer of his bedside table where he would keep other items he needed close to him like a sketchbook, which she then picked up, flipping it open only for her jaw to drop at the penciled portrait of herself. She gaped and opened to another page to find not just another sketch of her but also a photo of her for comparison; a photo from the last album she had sent back to Aubrey Hollow from her interrailing trip with the guys. Peering into the drawer she saw several photos of herself smiling, laughing, waving back in various countries they had been to. There were also old gift tags from presents she had given him over the years, her eyes scanning multiple uses of her own handwriting of Lots of love, Sophie x. In addition there were scrap pieces of paper which she recognised were notes they had written back and forth to each other when they used to study in the library together, a ticket from when Sophie had taken the Bridgertons to a muggle art gallery during a day out in London, and an old fragrance tester strip that - when she gave it a sniff - still smelt like the flower of sakara, which was the very perfume she had been gifted by Anthony with upon Benedict’s recommendation. 

Sophie stared at his bedside drawer which was filled with what he cherished most - which by all accounts appeared to be her. It was a staggering discovery and Sophie couldn’t fathom what this all meant, what it could possibly mean -

Perhaps he loves you, too.   

She was then brought back down to earth by Hyacinth calling for her and she quickly returned the photo and sketchbook to the drawer and closed it shut. Sophie got up to answer Hyacinth’s call when she remembered the reason she had ventured into Benedict’s room in the first place. She glanced about and luckily found the cufflinks on his desk and grabbed them before she left. 

During the wedding ceremony as Simon and Daphne exchanged their vows Sophie dared to glance over at Benedict, only to find his eyes already settled on her. With their gazes interlocked, for a moment she firmly believed that both of them were on the same page, that the words they were hearing applied to how they feel for one other, causing butterflies to erupt in her stomach and for her heart to pound against her chest in renewed hope. 

At the reception Sophie’s heart soars further when Benedict asks her to join him on the dancefloor, his eyes hope-filled when he offers a hand to her.

“Um, excuse me, I was going to dance with Soph.”

She could have stupefied Colin right then and there for opening his stupid mouth and interrupting them.

“Oh, right.” Benedict withdrew his hand sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t reali-”

“You never once mentioned sharing a dance.” she shot at Colin, giving him a sharp look of annoyance.

“No but we always do,”

“Well Ben asked me first.” she bit back. 

“Ugh, fine!” Colin rolled his eyes. “Well then who am I supposed to dance with?”

“For crying out loud, Penelope’s right there; ask her!”

Before Colin could say another word, Sophie grabbed a hold of Benedict’s hand and pulled him to the dancefloor where they danced together for several songs, much like they had at the Yule ball. When a slow song starts up they remain on the floor, drawing together with their hands clasped together, her other hand on his shoulder and his on her waist as they swayed together. With their soft gazes transfixed he gently pulls her in closer so that they’re chest to chest and Sophie can feel her whole body burning from his touch. Benedict then takes the opportunity to quietly tell her that contrary to her belief, he didn’t kiss her at the Yule ball as a rebound from his ex; he kissed her because she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, further adding that their first kiss had been life changing. Sophie was stunned, her heart thumping against her chest at the sincere confession he had just professed while gazing into her very soul. He then asks if that first kiss had meant as much to her as it had to him and without hesitation she breathlessly tells him that it did.

As the song comes to an end, Sophie can suddenly feel a lot of his family’s eyes on them during such an intimate and meaningful conversation (with the exception of an oblivious Colin as he had his back to them while he danced with Penelope). Benedict suggests they go somewhere quieter to talk and Sophie acquiesces before they then slip away from the party and out of the wedding marquee. He leads her to the edge of the garden by a cluster of trees where they won’t be seen by anyone peering out in search of them.

There Benedict takes her hands in his and then pours his heart out to her, explaining he said what he said at the ball because he was confused and in denial about the intense feelings he had developed for her that night. He also explained that he had put a stop to their beach hookup because he wanted their first time to be special and not some drunken fumble because she meant too much to him and deserved far better than that. Sophie is left astonished by what he’s confessing to her and when she asks what all of it means - hoping with every last fibre of her being that he’ll tell her the very thing she’s always dreamed of - he then tells her he's in love with her and has been since the night of the Yule ball, acknowledging he had screwed up massively with her but hoping with all of his heart that there's a chance she might love him back.

Sophie’s heart is thundering wildly against her chest, she can feel it pulsating all through her body and in her ears, and she had never felt so giddy and breathless in all her life. She then tells him that the reason she didn’t mean it when she said she hated him a couple of years previously is because she could never hate him - she only knows to love him and has never even come close to loving anyone else the way she's loved him since she was 11 years old. 

At long last they kiss again just as fireworks go off for the wedding, his hands tenderly cupping her face and her hands clutching the front of his jacket, feeling his lips smiling against hers as they lose themselves in the magic of falling in love all over again.  

They then sneak past the wedding marquee hand in hand, slipping into Aubrey Hollow and climbing up the stairs, stealing kisses as they go, before they reach Benedict's room. He locks the door behind them, casts a quick muffling spell on his room, and then they’re wrapped around each other again, kissing and squeezing and undressing each other until they end up in bed and have the magical first time that Benedict had wanted for them that night two years ago. After, as they bathe in the moonlight shining through the window lazily trading kisses and whispering sweet nothings to each other, Sophie feels nothing but utter love for the man whose arms she’s engulfed in, filled with all-encompassing bliss knowing she’ll get to spend the rest of her life with Benedict Bridgerton. 

[fadedflame]

Rare-pairs Week: day 7

Summery:  Day 7 of the rare-pairs week. Prompt: Free day. The day is finally here, Markus and North are finally ready to tie the knot. But Markus has a few concerns to work out before the ceremony.

On Ao3 or read below.

Of all the possible roadblocks Markus could have predicted for his upcoming wedding, he hadn’t anticipated that selecting a best man would be at the top of the list.

Quite an argument had broken out over the subject. Simon and Josh both insisted on being contenders as two of Markus’s best friends. Nines, Leo, and even the ever-afraid-of-social-conflict Connor insisted that they were each better suited for the role as his brothers.

While Markus was flattered that they all wanted the title so badly, he didn’t condone how aggressive the dispute became. Even the ever-pacifist Josh ended up throwing a punch. Not that it ended well, Nines being a tactical model after all.

In the end, Markus had resolved the conflict the best way he could.

None of them would be his best man.

Instead, he had extended the honor to none other than Lieutenant Anderson. The man had been understandably surprised, but had accepted with little hesitation. Markus suspected that he either enjoyed the annoyance it caused the rest of them, or he agreed that it was the best way to solve the dispute.

Honestly, either would have been thoroughly believable.

Regardless, Connor’s father took the role seriously. He had thrown one hell of a bachelor party, not that his processor had successfully recorded most of it, and had faithfully dealt with practically any issue that had come up over the months leading to the wedding.

What’s more, as odd as it was, Markus couldn’t really imagine anyone he would rather have here right now. Besides Carl perhaps, but he was preoccupied with North as he had agreed to give her away at the ceremony.

“Who the fuck taught you how to tie one of these things?” Hank complained as he fixed Markus’s bowtie.

He knew how to tie it himself. Even if he didn’t it was easy enough to just look it up. But he was distracted enough that he had managed to fail that simple task and the Lieutenant saw the need to step in and assist.

"Am I making a mistake?" Markus asked, surprising even himself with the abruptness of the question.

Hank’s hands stilled where they were on the bowtie. “Are you seriously asking me that right now?”

He knew it was stupid. They were in the process of getting ready for the wedding, it wasn’t like he could just not marry North today. And yet, suddenly, the thought was more daunting to him then the revolution had been.

“What if something goes wrong?” he couldn’t help but ask. Markus stepped away, not caring that the bowtie was still a mess. He had too much nervous energy pent up to care. “We’re both public figures. We are already scrutinized whatever we do. And now, we will be the first androids to get married. Everyone is looking to us. There’s… so much that could go wrong.”

The Lieutenant put a hand on his shoulder ending his pacing and turning him back to face him. “First of all,” he said sternly, going back to the unruly garment. “Fuck the public. This isn’t about them.”

“But-”

“No,” he cut him off, sparing a finger momentarily to waive it in his face disapprovingly. “Today is about you and North. Everybody else can fuck right off.”

Markus sighed, wanting more than anything to take comfort in the man’s words. “It’s not that simple,” he insisted.

“Like hell it isn’t.”

He looked away. His own father wouldn’t be quite so combative. Carl would indulge him in a philosophical debate and help him weigh his choices.

“Markus,” Hank said, drawing his attention back. The Lieutenant’s eyes held a soft sincerity that made him understand why he was so good with Connor. “Why did you ask North to marry you?”

“Because I love her,” he answered immediately. That wasn’t in question, wasn’t something he was debating. He loved North.

“Then why the hell does anything else matter?” He gave the bowtie a solid tug before finishing tying it. “Take it from someone who got married for the wrong reason. Doing anything because society says you should or shouldn’t is a big fuckin’ mistake.”

Markus tried to keep his expression neutral, but couldn’t help some surprise leaking through. “You were married?”

Hank shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets nonchalantly. “Well, yeah. If you can call it that.”

He didn’t want to push the issue, such things could be uncomfortable for people to talk about, but Markus couldn’t help but be curious.

Evidently, that curiosity wasn’t well hidden.

The Lieutenant rolled his eyes dramatically, answering his unasked question. “I only married her because she was pregnant,” he admitted. “We didn’t love each other, society had just taught us that’s what we were supposed to do. Marriage didn’t even last to Cole’s first birthday.”

“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t really sure what to say besides that.

“Eh, don’t be,” Hank waved him off dismissively. “I got to be Cole’s dad. Even if… even if it was only for a little while, that made everything worth it.”

Sometimes, with the man’s gruff exterior, it was easy to forget what a big heart he had. At a loss for words, he offered him a small, warm smile.

“But, that’s not what we were talking about,” Hank sighed, pulling them back to their previous topic. “Moral of the story? Don’t let whatever the fuck society says tell you how to live your goddamn life. It’ll only fuck you over in the long run.”

It wasn’t the sort of philosophy that Carl would have given him, but Markus couldn’t help but feel that it was precisely what he needed today. “I suppose there is some truth to that,” he admitted.

“Damn right there is.” He nodded, seeming pleased with himself, but didn’t lose that edge of sincerity. “When will people realize I usually know what the hell I’m talking about?”

“I will be sure to spread the word,” he teased lightly.

Hank ignored the snark. He pulled a hand out of his pocket and gripped Markus’s shoulder in a firm and reassuring way. "Look, Markus. All this wedding is? Really? You're getting a bunch of people together to tell them shit they already know. You love North. There isn’t a single fucker in the world that’s gonna change that."

Markus was more sure than ever that Hank had been the perfect choice to be his best man. “Thank you, Hank. Truly, I… thank you.”

“Eh,” he responded with a wave of his hand. “Cold feet can fuck with the best of us. Now come on, it’s time for you to get married.”

He fiddled once with his bowtie, confident that it was now perfect. A thrill of excitement ran through him where his anxiety used to be. “I’m ready.”

[bigbadripley]

Chapter 11 - Creep

Marc Spector/Steven Grant x Female!OC

Summary: Marc never expected to see his childhood friend Simone ever again. To Simone, Marc may as well have been dead. However, when Simone met Steven 15 years after Marc disappeared, she couldn’t help but notice how familiar he was.

18+ | 3kish Words | Third-person omniscient | Dark?fic/Angst | AU/AT |

Warnings: Heavy language, OC with religious trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma. Physical and emotional abuse of a minor, lots of angst, marijuana use, violence, brief sexual harassment 

A/N: I am quite nervous about this chapter. It’s the first that seems a little out of place, so please forgive that. There are periodic flashback chapters, this is one of them. I update warnings with each chapter. Only proceed if you can handle the themes included in the warnings. I wrote this entirely as a trauma dump.

Tagging for the loves: @ahookedheroespureheart​​

Minors DNI, DL;DR, if I miss a warning, please let me know.

Chapter list

"I don't care if it hurts I wanna have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice When I'm not around" -"Creep" by Radiohead

 A week had passed since Moni and Marc kissed, and they hadn't spoken the whole time. This wasn't the first time they'd been silent to each other, having had plenty of disagreements over their ten-plus-year friendship, but this was the longest time they'd ever gone without seeing each other in the halls at school. 

Marc had not been at school since their fight, and Moni chalked it up to him being out sick. When she made it to the following Monday without so much as a glimpse of her friend, she started to worry. 

However, Moni found the note that Marc shoved into Loser Jones the Tuesday after their fight. She was surprised to see it and was even more surprised by the subject matter of the note. 

I can't believe he wants to be my boyfriend. Holy shit. She thought to herself as her eyes danced over the words over and over again until she finally realized:

I fucked this up so bad! 

She spent every night that week reading the note before bed. Recanting it in her mind as if Marc was saying the words to her, wishing he would just walkie after school one day and ask her to meet so she could apologize, and they could start over, but as far as Marc, it was radio silence. 

Then she decided to do something about it. 

Moni wrote a reply to the note a couple of lines below the one Marc wrote for her, and when the following Monday came around, she planned to give it to him at school. When Marc was still a no-show, the plan changed to stopping by his house after homework to check on him.

The objective changed again when Moni's mother answered the door before she had the chance to leave.

"Señor Spector is here to talk to you, Mija!" Mamá yelled. Moni got up from the kitchen table, surprised by the turn of events but elated that Mr. Spector had stopped by. 

Moni stepped outside to speak to him, unattended by her mother. The man known as the rabbi around that area looked more exhausted than usual, but his eyes were still thoughtful. 

"Hi, Mr. Spector. I actually meant to come by later and see Marc. Has he been okay?" Moni greeted him with a smile. Mr. Spector's eyes changed from pleasant greeting to confusion then. 

"He didn't tell you?" He asked, sounding disappointed. Now it was Moni who was confused. 

"Tell me what?"

"He's gone, Moni. Just left a few days ago." The man replied, tired eyes now seeming to gloss over. 

Make no mistake, Moni heard what he said loud and clear, and she understood what it meant but didn't want to believe it. She was in complete denial almost instantly. 

"Gone? Where?" She asked, trying not to sound baffled and still holding a toothy smile. 

He's not gone, gone. He wouldn't leave without me.

"I don't know, hon. Marc said he was getting his GED and left. I figured he would have told you..." Mr. Spector trailed off as he successfully fought back the urge to cry. His eyes dipped to his shoes as he continued, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." 

Disbelief flooded Moni's brain and turned her insides to mush as she processed what she heard. She stayed quiet for fear that if she opened her mouth, she would vomit on the spot. "I found these in his room. I know you both collected coins." Mr. Spector spoke back up, holding Marc's buffalo nickles for her to take. Moni took them and studied them momentarily, amazed that it came to this as she pictured his bedroom, then remembered their walkie-talkies. 

"Did you see his walkie in there?" She finally spoke up with a hopeful expression. She knew he would take it with him, and if he hadn't gone too far, he could come back. 

"I didn't, but I'll let you know if I come across it." Mr. Spector said. Moni silently hoped he wouldn't find it. 

After more chatter, Mr. Spector left, and Moni returned inside, filled with mixed feelings. She was sad and angry that Marc was gone and that he would ditch her, hopeful that he would come back and proud that he was able to leave. Moni truly felt that Marc deserved the world, and if he could find it: good for him. She was only disappointed that she wasn't there for it.

"Can't believe that ungrateful boy leaving his family like that!" Her mother said from the living room. Moni knew it was a bad idea, but she couldn't help the words from spewing through her teeth.

"You don't understand what Marc went through." She said. Her heart jumped as soon as she did, and she closed her hands into fists that caused crescent moon indentations in her palms from her fingernails. She braced herself for an earful. 

"What Marc went through?" Her mother spat. Moni listened to her footsteps on the hardwood floor grow closer as she spoke. "Your papá and I came to this country to give you a better opportunity! What about what we went through?" 

The moment Moni's mom came into view with her angry bloodshot eyes, Moni felt the rage build. 

Of course, she's making this about her and my stupid dad. 

"Right, tell me where papá is now?" Moni piped up, expressing her fury over being left behind the best way she could: fighting with her mom. The woman got closer to Moni's face and louder in her tone.

"He still loves you, Mija. So do I!" She shouted, pointing to her chest repeatedly, making the skin of her arm wiggle. She hadn't spoken to her father in nearly 5 years. Moni had heard enough and was shaking her head,

"That's why you want to send me away to his pervert brother?" Moni raised her voice, unable to hold it. 

Her mother raised her hand and slapped her with a loud register and a burning hot sting to her left cheek. It happened so quickly; the aftershock was the only thing that told Moni it had happened. It was the perfect example of slapping the taste out of someone's mouth, making her left ear ring. 

"Do not speak of your tío this way!" Mamá shouted, extending a pointer finger nearly an inch from Moni's nose. 

Every bit of power Moni felt a moment ago was gone, melted away like sugar in hot water. She finally spoke back up, words barely making it above a whisper. "Sorry, Mamá."

The remainder of Moni's day was spent in bed, crying quietly to herself as she read the note over and over again. 

 Moni kept to herself at school the following day, not used to Marc being absent for so long. Her lunches were spent by herself at a courtyard table where she picked at the slice of pepperoni-covered cardboard they tried to pass as pizza. 

It was a nice enough day to be outside; it was all she could do to escape the multitudes of prom posters spread from wall to wall in the cafeteria. She refused to go without Marc and even returned her ticket for a refund that morning.

"Oh look, it's Moni." She heard a nasally voice say from behind her. She didn't need to turn around to know it was Danny Smith, so she stayed facing forward as he no doubt approached. 

Danny loved to pick on her, and as the old saying goes, if they're mean to you, they like you. Nobody could tell if Danny liked her or not because some days she was a stuck-up nun, and other days, she was a "boner garage" in his eyes, depending on how he felt. Moni and Marc despised his ass and were just as rude back if they needed to be.

"Don't call me that." She said, still not looking at the sandy-haired boy who was not sitting on the bench next to her, too close for her liking. She could smell his breath; he was so close. It reeked of cool ranch Doritos and made Moni nauseous. 

"My bad. The only person allowed to call you that was your boyfriend, Spector, right?" Danny teased, brushing shoulders with Moni to make it seem like playful banter. Moni knew Danny was more venomous than that. She kept her head down and hid behind her hair cascading into her face, deciding she didn't have the energy to deal with him. 

Danny made the mistake of assuming that because Marc wasn't around, he could get away with anything he wanted. His error was thinking Moni was the weak one of the pair. "Spector's not even here anymore, though, so who gets you now? Who gets to make Moni moan? Not that Spector ever did." The boy continued to blab. 

Moni felt her blood pressure rise with every word he spoke, and she feared she couldn't keep up her vow of silence much longer. Her fingernails dug into her palms like splinters as she held on by a thread. "I bet I could," Danny whispered, eyebrows flicking up in the corner of her eye as his disgusting hand found the small of her back. 

The thread snapped.

"You know what you could do?" Moni asked, turning her head to face him. Danny seemed to have hope in his eyes for a moment. His left eye was where Moni's focus was as she swung at him, fist connecting with his cheekbone and eyesocket with a powerful pop before Danny rag-dolled to the ground. "Leave me the fuck alone!" She shouted with a straining voice.

Her peers stared on. The courtyard that felt empty moments ago when this fucker was touching her was now suddenly loaded with students. Danny's friend Tommy Cornell rushed over and knelt by the wailing boy she laid out, looking at Moni like she was a monster.

Danny's cries alerted faculty to come out, and with them came Princal Sizemore. "Miss Fredrick! My office, now!" Sizemore boomed from the door to the building. Moni stood expressionless, with her tray in hand as she walked alongside Sizemore. 

 Moni was suspended for three days and a week of lunch detention upon returning. Sizemore didn't believe her side of the story, saying that she hit him and that the school's policy states that since she did that, instead of going to an adult, she would be punished. As predicted, Danny didn't own up to what he did or said to her. 

From the principal's office, Moni could see into the nurse's office window clear enough to glimpse Danny's busted and bruised eye. She didn't regret it, no matter how much the adults around her tried to guilt her.

The vein on the side of Moni's mother's forehead looked ready to burst when she had to leave work to get her daughter from school. The ride home was brutal, with her spitting Spanish expletives at Moni and Moni staying primarily silent for fear of being slapped. 

She was grounded until further notice, which meant school, home, and church would be the only locations for her to be. She would have to read her bible every night and pray for Danny's health before bed. These were the standards of a grounding in the Fredrick household. If she had any friends, those would be taken away also. 

Moni didn't expect to see a girl named Ericka at her front door the next day after school. She knew Ericka from the three classes they shared and from her living in the neighborhood and going to the same church as her. Moni always considered Ericka too cool for her, so they never spoke.

Ericka took the initiative of getting any notes or homework that Moni would miss during her suspension and bringing them to her so she would stay caught up. Moni was blown away by her kindness and how interesting the girl was. So much so that she took a leap of faith and invited her to hang out for a while. Despite her grounding, her mother was only okay with it due to their families being acquainted. 

It occurred to Moni that she hadn't had another girl over in several years, not since her friend Phoebe moved to Wyoming. It was awkward at first having Ericka in her room, but they got onto the topic of her posters and connected quickly. 

"I get why you punched Danny. He deserved it, but it sucks you got in trouble." Ericka said. Moni nodded,

"The suspension is looking like a vacation, truly. I don't wanna go to school because Marc was the only person who made the place bearable." 

"Speaking of Marc, can I ask you something?" The girl with the perfect box braids asked as she sat on the edge of Moni's bed. Moni stood by the foot of it, unsure if she should also sit. 

Moni assumed she knew where this was going and answered quickly. "He wasn't my boyfriend." She told. Ericka snickered at her response, 

"Not what I was gonna ask, but thanks for clarifying." She started, smoothing her hand over the blue comforter that covered Moni's bed to signal her to sit down. Moni did as such, and Ericka continued. "I was going to ask if you know where he is?" 

Moni wasn't surprised by her asking. It didn't take long for word to spread around Linclon of Marc's leaving and for the rumors to swirl over where he might have gone. 

"Nope. Not a clue." Moni answered honestly. If anyone else had asked, she would have told them it was none of their business where Marc went. With Ericka, she felt comfortable. 

"Really? I figured he woulda told you, being conjoined at the hip with you and all." Ericka responded, surprised. Moni shrugged,

"We had a fight, a long story I don't wanna talk about." 

"Respect," Ericka said, letting the subject go quickly and casually. The two girls were sitting side-by-side with Moni to Ericka's left. To Moni's surprise, Ericka brushed a strand of her dark hair out of the way of her face and behind her ear. 

The gesture was strangely intimate, something Moni had never had done to her by anyone but had read about it in plenty of books. It was typically a motion for a male character to show affection to a female. As odd as it was, Moni was comforted by it. "Well, once you're ungrounded, I know where to get some choice grass." Ericka finished, quieting her voice to avoid tipping off her mother in the other room. 

Moni smiled at this, not realizing Ericka was the type to do anything her parents would disapprove of. They both found this to be the start of a beautiful friendship. 

 Even with the prospect of a new companion fresh in her sight, Moni still sat in her room late that night with spent tears dried to her cheeks. The note was in her right hand, and her walkie was in her left. She was convinced it was her fault and kept repeating over and over:

I fucked this up so bad! I fucked this up so bad! 

The only thing she could think to do was see if Marc would answer. He had to answer. She ran her thumb over the side button that allowed her to speak and began, 

"Marc. Please tell me you can hear me. Please." She pleaded. She released the button for a moment and waited for a response. She usually got one quickly, but she was only met with silence. "God, why the fuck did you leave me? I want to hate you so goddamn bad, but I can't." She continued, grip tightening on the device. 

As more silence flooded their station, fresh tears rushed down the same trails the old ones took. "Fuck, Spector!" She croaked through a burning throat. She knew she sounded pathetic, but she didn't care. He clearly wasn't listening; if he was, he was ignoring her. She hated not knowing. Moni cleared her throat and spoke again, "I miss you. Please, tell me you took your walkie wherever you are." 

She thought she had heard enough white noise to know he wasn't there but imagined he was. She wanted to yell but didn't want to wake her mother. "Next time I see you, you're catching my fist to your jaw again, asshole." She cried, nearly breaking down halfway through the sentence. It felt like her heart was being squeezed and oozing like playdough through the fingers of the evil hand committing the act. She couldn't remember a time when she felt it was hard to breathe, but she was feeling it then. Even when she was alone, she had Spector. Now she didn't.

To her, this meant she was indeed, utterly, unmistakenly alone.

Moni spoke again, thumb still holding the button but not directing her words into the walkie. Instead, she stared at the note as her voice trembled, "I love you" repeatedly. 

Marc did take his walkie with him, but he didn't hear anything she said. The range reached thirty miles before the reception went dark; by then, he was far from Chicago. 

 In an unexpected twist, Ericka convinced Moni's mom to let her hang out outside the house regardless of the grounding, using her family's involvement with the church to their advantage. This meant Moni could take Ericka to the wood to try some of the "choice grass" she had mentioned.

Moni didn't take Ericka to her and Marc's spot but ventured further to a different area she knew of. The pair sat on a log and passed an expertly rolled joint between them. Given it was Moni's first time smoking, she coughed and spat a lot, and Ericka did her best to make fun of her as little as possible. 

Once they were both at giraffe heights, Ericka questioned Moni about her fight with Marc, and Moni explained what had happened. The tone differed from how she felt, trying to avoid telling her before. Now, Moni thought she could tell Ericka anything. 

It seemed Ericka felt the same way as they opened up to each other. By chance, Moni was the first person she ever came out as gay to, and she swore her to secrecy. 

"Who would I tell?" Moni asked with a laugh, implying that Ericka was her only friend now. This and Moni's easy acceptance made her feel good. Things got extra personal when they got onto the subject of their first kisses. 

"Tell me!" Ericka insisted. Moni took a deep breath and hid her face in her hands.

"Javi Espinoza, sixth grade." She admitted. Ericka responded by gagging and laughing so hard that she fell off the log. Once Moni was done cackling at witnessing this, she continued. "I know, but in my defense, it was before he started growing that weird pornstache." She said. 

Ericka picked herself off the ground and brushed the dirt from her jeans before rejoining Moni on the log. "You?" Moni asked as she dried her eyes with the back of her hand. Ericka shook her head, 

"It's far more embarrassing than Javi."  

"I showed you mine; you show me yours!" Moni argued, looking her friend straight in the face.  

"I haven't kissed anyone. I realized I liked girls when I was eight, and I've stayed far, far away from boys. Regarding girls, it's hard to tell if they like me like that." Ericka explained. 

Moni was surprised and couldn't find the words to respond as she watched the girl pull a pack of Marlboros from her leather bag. She observed as she put the yellow end of one of the cigarettes between her lips before thoughtfully handing one to Moni. It was right then that Moni realized she wanted to be of assistance. 

"I'll help, then," Moni said, eyeing Ericka as she lit her smoke with a zippo lighter. She took a deep drag, and on the exhale, she motioned for Moni to elaborate. Moni swore she had never known a girl so cool in her life. "I'll help you find a girl to kiss." She added. 

Ericka brought the zippo to Moni's cigarette and lit it for her, "You? Help me?" She asked, disbelieving that Moni could do such a thing. Moni took a minor hit from the cigarette and immediately started coughing like she did with the weed.

"Damn right." She croaked between wheezes. Ericka laughed and rolled her eyes, feeling Moni wouldn't be able to help her but appreciating the idea. 

The girls popped spearmint gum into their mouths, applied perfume, and dripped anti-red eye drops into their eyes before they hugged goodbye, and Ericka started heading home. Moni stayed behind for a while and noticed that Ericka had left her zippo and was too far ahead for her to tell her. 

Moni flicked the lighter, admired how the flame danced in her eyes and decided to go to the clearing where she would meet Marc. It was there she pulled the note out of her backpack. 

If it was possible to feel hate and love simultaneously, that was precisely how she felt when looking at the word "Moni" sloppily on the page. She hated the feeling. She wanted closure.

With the note in front of her, she flicked the zippo open and slowly brought the flame to the paper. In her mind, it would go up in flames quickly and disappear before she had a moment to change her mind. 

In reality, she couldn't do it. The closer the fire got to the page, the more her heart burned. The harder it got to breathe. She closed the lighter and put it in her pocket to return to Ericka the following day, and the note went back into her backpack.