#this includes ace/aro queer men too

[lesbi-am]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH ALL OF YOU. this includes the transtrenders, and the xenogender people, even, especially, if you hoard labels and have 70 different neopronouns you use, and mspec lesbians and mspec gays, and the lesboys, the gaybians, and the turigirls, and the afab transfems and amab transmascs, yes even the perisex ones, and the aros and aces and apls and other atertiaries who are disgusted and loveless, and the alloaros who are very positive with sexuality, and the cishet aro/ace/etc men and women, and the intersex people who have consistently been ignored by the wider and broader queer community for having complicated experiences with gender and sexuality, and the transmasculine people and the trans men who have to deal with being told that oppression against them doesn't exist, and the transfeminine people and trans women who are told their existence is inherently sexual, and the transneutral people who are always forgotten about in conversations and treated as less trans, and the transhet people who are told they're not queer enough, the queer poc who are constantly ignored and pushed down for their existence, and the queer elders who have to hear younger queers demonize decades old identities in the name of discourse, and everyone else i didn't mention. you deserve to have a good pride month too.

exclusionists, transmedicalists and similar who clown on this post will be publicly shamed. <3

[anistarrose]

If you were an a-spec exclusionist (or even "neutral") in the 2010s on Tumblr, if you remember laughing at "cringe aces," and have since come around to realize "hey that was kinda shitty, obviously aces and aros are queer," then you've obviously taken a huge step forward. But if you haven't actually evaluated what subtler forms of aphobia look like and unlearned those too, then you absolutely need to do that, or else internalized biases will persist in this community that make a-specs feel unsafe.

The most rampant and insidious type of aphobia on Tumblr in the past few years hasn't been about explicitly saying you hate/want to exclude asexuals. People who don't consider themselves "exclusionists" regularly pass it around. The degree to which a-spec terminology and microlabels still get mocked, and used as punchlines, also cannot be overstated.

Below, I've linked a variety of posts about what aphobia looks like, what commonly misunderstood/mocked a-spec terminology really means, and how a-spec people differ from common stereotypes and misconceptions. I don't expect everyone to read every one of these posts. There are some long ones. But I know Tumblr would be a significantly less hostile experience for a-spec people if everyone unlearning aphobia looked at, and reflected critically, about at least a few.

Subtle Aphobia; A-Specs and Sex Positivity

[PT: "Subtle Aphobia, Aces and Sex Positivity."]

Common Modern Aphobia, Critical Thinking Questions About "Cringe" Ace Posts on the Dashboard

Sex Repulsion Vs. Sex Negativity - Know the Difference

Acephobia and Ableism, Queer Social Spaces "Discourse"

Hey, What Do Those Terms We Mocked Actually Mean?

[PT: "Hey, What Do Those Terms We Mocked Actually Mean?"]

Origin, Use, and Etymology of "Allosexual"

Why "Queerplatonic" Doesn't Have a Set Definition, and Why That Matters (from the actual people who coined it!)

"Amatonormativity" as Defined by Elizabeth Brake

Amatonormativity Affects More Than Just Aces and Aros

Masterpost of A-Spec Readings

Aromantic Allosexuals (Yes, Including Men)

[PT: "Aromantic Allosexuals (Yes, Including Men)"]

"Aroallos are often treated as inherently "more sexual" than other allosexuals. Here's why that assumption happens, and why it's bullshit."

Romantic Attraction Is Not Required To Respect Women

Further Readings on Aphobia

[PT: "Further Readings on Aphobia"]

It Was Bad, It Was Bigotry, It Was Part of the TERF Pipeline

"Trauma is not a factor by which queerness should be measured" - excerpt from Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, and related discussion

Arophobia: "You say you accept aromanticism, but..."

[hyperionheights]

bones sexuality headcanons

yeah i dont have proof (except angela) i just Know. call it my lesbian spidey senses. disclaimer that those are MY headcanons, you can have your own opinions on those ofc

main characters:

brennan: bi (preference for ugly men... but i digress). she probably started exploring her sexual orientiation in college and came to the conclusion that she's attracted to every gender to varying degrees. she's probably tongue kissed angela a few times pre season 1

booth: cishet ally! ⭐️ he's a bit confused but he's got the spirit, i'll give him that.. bi wife energy start playing whenever he walks into the room

zack: gayboi with a bad case of hero worship for dr brennan. naomi from paleonthology made him realise this isnt really what he'd like to excavate, if you get the gist... ;) (ew)

angela: imo? bi, but it's up to anyone. canon queer and i'm very happy about it

hodgins: bi. putting my foot down on this one- to me, hodgela is bi4bi. one day early into the series angela goes "why is everyone so hot... being bi is so hard" and hodgins is like "yeah, tell me about it" and they have a Oh, You Too? moment

cam: distinguished (ex-disaster) pan. she's all cool and collected now but in middle school she was probably stuttering whenever she saw a pretty girl

sweets: pan. boykisser. i just KNOW. that man is not heterosexual. probably had a few boyfriends in high school too

aubrey: bi? preference for women but in an alternate universe he and sweets are a thing

goodman: token straightie along with booth except i actually like him even tho even tho he took a 2 month sabbatical and never came back

squinterns:

clark: bi. a bit repressed and only realised it after breaking up with nora but as long as he gets there it's fine

daisy: pan. absolute girlkisser. she has the wlw equivalent of whatever zack felt for dr brennan. swaisy is a disaster pan couple.

fisher: pan- and i wont have it any other way. he was 100% checking sweets out when he came over to b&b's in s8, so i like to think when hodgins asks sweets "what is it with you and interns?" in 9x23 he's including fisher

wendell: bi and in a lab au he's dating vincent thank you

vincent: english twink and i think he and wendell should kiss in the lab lost & found

arastoo: straightie but we still love him. pan wife energy since he and cam are married

finn: god, i have No Idea but i have a feeling he doesn't either

wells: aro, and maybe ace too, but fyi even if he wasn't no one would want him

jessica: ... i used to say lesbian but i kinda let the jaubrey of it all get to me... pan vibes perhaps? i'll have to think it over. in another universe she and daisy are a thing too btw

other characters:

caroline julian:... lesbian. no i will not give an explanation for this one. sham marriage and all.

karen delfs: big pansexual energy coming from this random profiler?? i like her

villains: (do not take those seriously, but also...)

pelant: unlabeled. getting strangled by hodgins awoke something in him but he didnt have the time to figure it out between 8x01 and 9x04

taffet: very VERY mean lesbian

epps: heterosexual incel

broadsky: internalised homophobia over booth, clearly

kovac: the man pretended to be married to his sister. i'm not sure i even wanna know

[our-sapphic-experience]

welcome to our sapphic experience!

this blog was inspired by @our-queer-experience and is specifically designed for sapphic people, and/or anyone who experiences attraction to women in a queer way.

this explicitly includes trans women, bi people, transmascs/trans men, xenogenders, ace/aro people, and anyone else who may fall under the sapphic umbrella. terfs and "gender criticals" please go away.

mod uses any pronouns and is a minor!! have fun :3

(disclaimer: i am a lesbian and so i tend to reblog more of that content, but feel free to tag me in/share non-lesbian stories here too <3)

[rainbowsforbeginners]

Rainbow 101: 001

Today’s topic, as voted by you: What is LGBTQIA+?

Hello, class!

Welcome to Rainbow 101!

To start us off, today I’ll explain the acronym LGBTQIA+:

It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Intersex, and A-spec - And the little “plus” at the end stands for any other queer labels that don’t fit neatly into the main acronym!

You may also see it shortened to LGBTQ+, LGBT+, LGBT, as well as a few others - But, they all refer to the same community!

Now, as this is a beginner-friendly lecture, I’ll also give a brief explanation of the main “flagship” identities - Though I highly encourage you do your own research of any terms you find interesting, as I will likely not be able to cover all nuance here!

Also, if anyone has any comments, questions, corrections, or kudos, please put them in the ask box after class!

Alright, let’s get started:

Lesbian:

Someone who is a lesbian is a women who is attracted to other women - Non-binary people can also use this label if they wish! The term Lesbian is also related to the terms WLW and Sapphic - Though I recommend finding sources who are more well-versed in those labels to understand the nuances/differences!

Gay:

The “proper” definition of gay is similar to lesbian, being a man who is attracted to other men - And non-binary folk can use this one, too! - However, you will also find many people use “gay” as a broad blanket term similar to “queer,” so context is useful here! Gay is also sometimes called MLM (men-loving-men, not multi-level-marketing :) )

Bisexual/Biromantic:

Someone who is bisexual/biromantic is attracted to multiple genders - Commonly interpreted as simply “likes both men and women.” But, as with many of these labels, there can be nuance that is different for every person; Such as having attraction for multiple, but preferring one over another. You’ll often see Bisexual/Biromantic shortened to Bi!

Transgender:

Someone who is transgender doesn’t fully identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. For example, someone who was born as a girl named Jane and later transitions to a man named John. (Something to note here: While many transgender people do fully identify with the “opposite” gender, and undergo various visual/biological transformations (ha!), there are many who don’t do either! Some people only change their pronouns, and some may not change anything!) Non-binary people are also under this umbrella term - though not everyone identifies with the label! You’ll often see Transgender shortened to Trans!

Queer/Questioning:

From what I’ve seen, “Queer” is a pretty broad label, often used as a collective term for all LGBTQIA+ people - But, I’ve also seen some people use it as a catch-all personal miscellaneous label, when they don’t care to explain or define the details! “Questioning” is pretty simple - It just means the person is figuring out some aspect of their identity, but hasn’t quite gotten there yet!

Intersex:

This one I don’t know as much about as I could, but my understanding is that an intersex person falls between or outside of the biological sex binary - And it can be as drastically obvious as physical organ differences, or more often, as subtle as having unusual chromosomes!

A-spec:

A-spec, or the A-spectrum, is a wide category for those who experience little, no, and/or specifically-parametrized attraction! Aromantic (or Aro, little-to-no romantic attraction) and Asexual (or Ace, little-to-no sexual attraction) are the more popular, “flagship” labels, but the A spectrum also includes Aplatonic, Agender, Afamilial, Asensual, and probably a few others I don’t know of! To oversimplify for the sake of comedy, the A-spec is for those of us who look at everyone else and go, “No thanks!” with varying degrees of intensity.

Plus (+):

And the + is for everyone else who might not fit within the above!

…And there you have it - That was a lot, and I’m glad you stuck around to the end!

I want to note here that many of these labels have more sub-labels nested under them, and/or have more nuance than we covered today - So, if any of you have questions or clarifications, or have a correction to make, please feel free to drop a note in my ask box!

Also, any ideas for future topics to cover would be much appreciated!

Batteries and Bars,

Neon

[the-delta-quadrant]

"stop treating x group like the enemy" is such a weird way to derail conversations about privilege.

saying that binary trans people have privilege over nonbinary people, or that allo queers have privilege over ace and aro people, or that mono queers have privilege over bi+ people isn't "making people out to be the enemy". that's some bullshit to immediately shut down any real conversation.

but the problem is you all don't even hear us out most of the time when we talk about our specific experiences to know that we don't paint anyone as the enemy.

if you want to talk about "making people out to be the enemy", why don't we talk about binary trans people acting like nonbinary people are the reason why people don't take trans people seriously? or about allo queers creating an entire harassment campaign just to push aces and aros away from the queer community? or about how bi+ women are demonised for being involved with men by lesbian separatists? how bi+ lesbians are framed as dangerous by mono lesbians right now? or how transmascs and transmasculinised people are continuously painted as patriarchal, misogynistic and inherently violent, even by other trans people? or how perisex queers were threatening and harassing intersex people after the intersex progress flag was created? or how queer people consistently try to push out "the weird ones"? but you all don't want to talk about that, because in most of these cases, it means acknowledging you have privilege in some way.

you all are so fragile that you think "you have privilege over me" means "i hate you, you're my enemy and you're responsible for all the oppression i experience", when no one fucking said that. but it's all or nothing, black and white, binary thinking.

it's vital for people to acknowledge the privilege they hold even within their communities because that way we can more effectively work on dismantling the systems that oppress all of us. but by refusing to acknowledge your privilege, you uphold it, and by that you do contribute to further oppression.

i mean fuck. i don't even think nonqueer people are "the enemy". will i complain about the shit i get from nonqueers and others who have privilege over me? absolutely yes. does that mean i think they are the enemy? absolutely not. dismantling the gender binary helps binary trans & cis people. dismantling allosexism helps allos. dismantling monosexism helps monos. dismantling the patriarchy helps cis men.

we have so many allies that i hold dear to my heart, INCLUDING allo queer allies to aces and aros, mono queer allies to bi+ folk, binary trans allies to nonbinary folk. never have i considered them enemies. that's a fucking myth to silence conversations about intracommunity privilege.

i shouldn't have to say "not all binary trans/not all allos/not all monos" for you all to understand that a) yes, ALL of you do have privilege, and b) i'm not talking about you if you're not being allosexist, exorsexist or monosexist.

the enemy is allosexists, exorsexists and monosexists, no matter which identity they hold. heck, some of them are literally ace/aro/nonbinary/bi+ themselves and i'll be the first to call that shit out if you actually looked and weren't too busy being defensive. the enemy is exorsexism, monosexism, heterosexism, cissexism, allosexism, intersexism, misogyny.

no one's said otherwise except fucking radfems. so STOP acting like nonbinary/ace/aro/bi+ people are some new version of radfems for talking about privilege and our unique oppression.

i'll be a fucking nonbinary bi-asexual killjoy. fight me.

[cardentist]

As a nonbinary/genderfluid biromantic, demiromantic asexual, literally every part of my gender identity and sexuality has been subject to the same "you could EASILY pass as cishet, so can you REALLY say you experience oppression when you could simply CHOOSE not to" and "you're not REALLY oppressed for being XYZ, you're only oppressed when people mistake you as cis fem/trans fem/gay/lesbian/any other identity we think is ACTUALLY important." My existence in online queer spaces has been hounded constantly by people trying to tell me what my lived experiences are and what they mean, shouting me down about how I can't speak about Insert Issue/Topic Here because sure maybe I'm queer (and to some, I don't even have the right to call myself that) but I'm at the bottom of the Who Is Oppressed More Hierarchy, I am only Oppressed in the way that sometimes I experience what they deem to be a different group's oppression. Not even my oppression is my own! I am too much of an "aberration" to find community and a place to speak amongst the general populace, and I'm too privileged to have a voice in the queer community, even about things that affect me.

And now, I'm watching that same rhetoric being used against transmen and transmascs. I remember when people on this site started really exploring queer headcanons for characters, everyone cheering "let's make X character gay! Y character is trans! Z character is a lesbian!" but if you dared to suggest "can Q character be ace?" you'd be met with "... that's boring." I remember how quickly ace exclusion devolved from "aces are boring" to "god, aces are annoying" to "when you think about it, aces aren't even really oppressed, so they aren't queer, so they should just shut up." And then it wasn't just aces, it was bi folks. And then it was enbies too. And now. Here we are.

This is the only site where people will blog about how "Gender is a sandbox! It's fucky! Men can be women, and women can be men! I'm a boygirl kind of girlboy! There are genders and sexualities in all sorts of shrimp colors you can dream of!" but in the same breath, they'll still act weird about he/him lesbians. They'll still claim that ALL masculinity is toxic. They'll still say that men are boring and annoying and-- Oh? You think that's kind of hurtful? You want to use this as an opportunity to talk about your own lived experiences and vent your frustrations courteously and privately on your own blog? Why do you have to make everything about you?! You're lower down the Who Is More Oppressed ladder because, wHeN yOu tHinK aBouT iT, no man can be oppressed for being a man! Even trans men! So you and anybody even vaguely masc aligned should just shut up and stay out of the conversation and let the queers who experience REAL bigotry talk!

... They could at least say something new instead of reusing the same rhetoric they've used for aces and aros and bi/pan folk and enbies and masc/butch lesbians and countless other queer identities.

All that to say, as someone who has been subject to all this for every part of my identity, I stand with you. Trans Unity! Queer Unity!

Context: [Link 1, Link 2]

I know Exactly what you're talking about !

I was around in inclusionist spaces 10 years ago at this point, before I'd fully crystalized what I Had Going On.

I Remember it being pointed out that ace exclusionists were stealing talking points from radfems directly, up to and including ripping off entire posts and just swapping out "trans women" with "asexuals."

I Remember people warning each other that normalizing these kinds of talking points, convincing people that that Mindset is a valid one, would then make it easy to swap out the Target of said mindset.

and it Has happened, over and over and over again. people are Always looking for the marginalized people that nobody wants to stand up for. that people don't understand, that people don't see as Needing support, that people already have negative feelings about even if they don't recognize Why.

it'll only ever stop when people examine the talking points Themselves and throw them out. when people are willing to stand in solidarity with people Regardless of whether they understand them or not.

if someone is trying to convince you that class of people As A Whole are undeserving of support, are lesser than, shouldn't have their voices heard or considered, Question It ! when they hold people up in Comparison to say that their pain is Lesser and therefore doesn't Matter, Question It !!

[ihateliterature]

I'm really sad. Let me tell you why I'm sad

So this whole debate is going on over on twt about wlw content and I see a lot of people giving their experiences with the wlw fandom and it's really disheartening. And from what I see the problem is not that the rest of the queer fandom is overwhelmingly mysoginistic or lesbophobic, it's that the wlw fandom is unbearable

No, really, there are so many people talking about how they've tried joining the wlw fandom but it was too toxic or they were afraid of doing it in the first place because they've seen people who had to deal with them. And the people saying this are not only gay men and transmascs, they are overwhelmingly other queer women

And I understand this, hell, I am one of those ppl afraid of the wlw fandom. That's because every time I've witnessed it they were harassing and dogpilling people for the most minor of things. I can still remember one particular occasion when the author of Percy Jackson tweeted that he sees Artemis as ace and qrts were full of people borderline threatening him and being aphobic until he backed down on it

And this is not the only time. I've seen people getting threats for headcanoning a character as bi or pan, shipped a character with a man or headcanoned a character as ace/aro. I still remember how it was in the SU fandom with Peridot

I wish it wasn't like this. I know for a fact there are nice and civil wlw fans, but a large number of people, myself included, can barely fucking find them behind all the assholes

The explanation, which I gathered from queer women active in the fandom or who used to be part of it, is that the wlw fandom is INFESTED with radfems top to bottom. Which created a hostile environment for EVERYONE including some queer women, especially bi women. All of it leading to a space dominated by radfem ideas, exclusionism and antis. And also to a very stifling creating environment, as many queer women with experience in the fandom I've seen talking about it have said that anything straying from wholesome is heavily policed

And I find it horrible, because so many queer women felt the need to distance themselves from a fandom that is FOR them, because of how toxic it is, depriving themselves of what should have been a wonderful fandom experience alongside other people that can understand and relate to them on that level. I hate it how radfems have infested every corner of the community, warping it and creating conflict. To a point where many of us get red flags when seeing someone with a lesbian pfp because of past experience. It should not be like this. I don't like doing it this, doubting my own family, but I feel like I have to, for my peace of mind at least. And yes, I mean family, because as hard as lesbian separatists tried to drive us away from each other, to make lesbians as insular as possible, to paint transmascs and bi women as traitors to womanhood, lesbians are still my family, just like any other queer out there, and it breaks my heart seeing them becoming the boogie man of online queer spaces and a shield for TERFs

Idk where I am going with this anymore it's just that. . . I'm sad, I wish it wasn't like this

[demonic-shadowlucifer]

Exclusionist Symbols to Look out for: Part Two.

(Content Warning: Queermisia and Potential Eyestrain, as well as a brief mention of abuse and ableism). (Additional Disclaimer: Do not use this post to harass people. This is meant to be an awareness post). The second part to the Exclusionist Symbols post, and the third overall Anti-Exclusionist series post. Let's just get this overwith. 😅

Aspec Exclusionist Identifiers

So far I only found one Anti-Aspec flag, however I can't find much information on it. Still, best to keep an eye out for it.

(Image ID: A flag with seven horizontal stripes. The first two and last two stripes are shades of green. The third and fifth stripes are blue, and the middle stripe is yellow. End ID). There are many common identifiers used by allosexual Aspec Exclusionists, including: "Aces/Aros aren't LGBT" - the most recognizable identifier. Any use of the word "Cishet" as an identifier for Ace/Aro. -Just for clarification, this refers to exclus who believe that Aspecs aren't LGBTQ+ because they're "Just cishets". However, keep in mind that there *are* Aspec folks who *do* also consider themselves cishet, and that they are still valid! Denial of Aces/Aros being oppressed. However, one thing I don't see many people talk about is the fact that there are also Exclusionary Aspec individuals, which is a surprise because those exclusionists are a *lot* more common than what you might think. Some identifiers of this specific group include. "Asexuality/Aromanticism isn't a Spectrum" - yes people genuinely believe this. Equating Asexuality with being Sex Repulsed, or that all Aromantics are also Romance Repulsed - Something that can easily be seen as misinformation, however some people *do* genuinely use this to exclude other Aspecs too sadly. "If you feel attraction, you're not Ace/Aro". Anvil Aro - A term sometimes used by Exclusionary Aros. Mspec Lesbian/Gay Exclusionist Identifiers Since Mspec Gay/Lesbian Exclusionism is almost entirely normalized, there isn't much warning signs. However here are some of the obvious ones I found. Anti-Mspec Lesbian and their varients. Anything that calls Mspec Lesbians or Lesboys predatory. Anything that says/implies that Mspec Lesbians "invite cis men to date/harass them" (This is *incredibly* victim blamey as well). Any variation of Lesbians "not being men" or "not liking men". (Outside of the blatant TERF rhetoric, it also ignores the idea of closeted lesbians dating men to hide their identity as well as ignoring queer history). And here's an Anti-Mspec Lesbian flag that I've seen mostly on Twitter.

(Image ID: A flag with seven horizontal stripes. The flag has shades of teal on top and shades of purple on the bottom with a white stripe in the middle. End ID.). Additional Exclusionist Identifiers Safequeer - A relatively new term that excludes Mspec Monos *and* Endogenic Systems. Anti-SAM/Anti-Split Attraction Model - Commonly used by Aspec Exclusionists and Mspec Mono Exclusionists. Safequeer Flags:

(Image ID: Two flags with seven horizontal stripes. Both flags have two orange stripes, a blue stripe, a green stripe, a purple stripe and a red stripe. The first flag has a purple and white Lotus flower in the middle. End ID.)

(Image ID: Two flags with seven horizontal stripes. Both flags contain shades of blue on top as well as a green stripe, and shades of orange on the bottom with a thin yellow stripe in the middle. The first flag also contains a silhouette of a lotus flower outlined in yellow. End ID). Some Safequeers might also identify themselves using a Lotus flower, however the lotus can also mean multiple things. It's best to check. Not Queer Exclusionary, but still exclusionist nonetheless: Sysmed/Anti-Endos - Plural individuals that target Endogenic Systems and other Non-Traumagenic systems, believing that you need trauma or DID/OSDD to be a system. Some Sysmeds are queer, but others are not. Sysmeds are also referred to as Traumascum, however this term should not be used to address anti-endos due to it's ableist and victim-shaming connotations (There are, however, some anti-endos that also use the term, though it's not widely used by them likely for the reasons I just listed.) Anti Endo MOGAI or AEMOGAI- A MOGAI group that excludes Endogenic systems. An "Anti-Fake Systems" flag apparently made by an Anti-Endo, however I can't find much information on it. Still, best to keep an eye for it.

(Image ID: A flag with seven horizontal stripes. The first flag contains shades of blue on top and shades of green on the bottom, with a white stripe in the middle. End ID). Again, you see *anyone* with these flags, with these keywords, or with any kind of rhetoric I explained here, block them *instantly*.

[treeofnonsense]

Talk to me about ace friendo - 1, 8, 20, 21, 28, 33, and 34 🤍💜

THANK YOUUUUU I GET TO RAMBLE IT'S GOING TO BE LOONG

1. Which labels do you use?

Asexual and aromantic cis(???how do you define cis???) woman. There are probably some microlabels under the ace/aro umbrellas that could describe me but I don't tend to dive into microlabels anymore - I've found that defining myself by those feels more like cutting myself up to fit into little boxes rather than finding a space I'm comfy in. I'm okay with being referred to as gay when it's a joke or as part of a group (ie "one of the gays" "gay people in your phone") and I'll count myself as a member of the LGBT community if directly asked (though I'm always a little hesitant because they don't always want to include me back). I don't use queer because I've never had it thrown at me and don't feel I have the right to reclaim it.

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender:

I don't know how, but you got the right answer with the wrong equation.

20. Do you feel like you "fit in" with the queer/Pride community overall?

Yes and no. I'm very thankful for the community because it's the only place I've felt able to be my full self, but on the other hand there is definitely a disconnect for a few reasons. One is that I live in a non-urban conservative area, and a lot of Pride stuff seems to default to urban and liberal. I've never been to a Pride parade - not because I want to but because there aren't any where I live. People forget those of us who live in the boonies I think - or they actively look down on us, which sucks. Sometimes the discourse feels so above my head - they're talking stores taking down their Pride decorations while I haven't even noticed the change because they NEVER do that here in the first place.

The other thing is that there was definitely a pushback towards asexuals specifically being considered LGBT a few years ago. Don't know the exact timeframe (I thankfully wasn't around online during that time) but the ripple effects can still be felt. I think the idea is that we were actually just heterosexual imposters in disguise or something - it's stupid - but it's made me very nervous about joining any LGBT groups. I always have to check to see if the LGBT+ actually includes the A, y'know? Add to that the fact that the LGBT community naturally talks a lot about sex and romance (understandable, I'm not trying to change it, on a logical and ideological level I think talking about these things frankly is good) and I can sometimes feel alienated there. Some LGBT people seem to think that sexual freedom means "everyone should have sex all the time" and like ... no. It means the freedom to choose whatever you want. If you're forcing something on me you're just as bad as everyone else.

21. What message would you give to your younger self?

Measure your life's value in happiness, not money.

28. Do you experience both romantic and sexual attraction? Do you experience them the same across any gender(s) you are attracted to?

I definitely do not have the sexual attraction, for anyone. I can tell generally when someone is supposed to be hot, but only because I've learned from experience what is socially accepted as "hot". I can definitely find people beautiful but it's in the same way I'd find a landscape beautiful - I want to stare at it, maybe I want to draw it, but nothing else. I've noticed I tend to find women beautiful more often than men; I don't know if that's because I'm more familiar with the biology, because women tend to dress up more due to societal pressures, or just a weird preference. But again, it never progresses beyond aesthetic appreciation and there have definitely been guys I like to look at too so it's not 100% reliable.

Romantic is harder. When you take out everything physical, I have a hard time telling the difference between a romance and a close friendship. I'm dense as a brick when people flirt with me because I literally cannot tell they're not just being friendly. I know I'm not upset by being single like some people seem to be, but I do get lonely without friends. There are people I want to get to know better and do stuff with - is that wanting friends? Romantic attraction? I DUNNO MAN! Most people do not seem to have this problem, so I assume I'm different and slap the aromantic label on myself. It works.

33. What about your LGBT identity do you feel proud of/want to recognize/celebrate?

I'm proud of my own independence when it comes to relationships. I don't need a significant other or a sexual partner to be "complete," contrary to what the world says. If you want those things, by all means, but for those people who are ace/aro, who aren't ready for a relationship, or are learning to just exist as themselves alone for the first time, I want to be living proof that it is possible to be happy on your own. You are not half of a person if you are single. You are a whole person. Just you is enough.

34. What are you needing most right now (what would make your life easier or more fulfilling in regards to existing as queer)?

I need a new wardrobe. Been having Gender Thoughts(TM) thanks in no small part to some of my mutuals going through it and I'm now realizing that a lot of my clothes don't really fit who I am in my head anymore. My family was kinda poor growing up and I learned not to waste things, so I have a lot of old clothes and hand-me-downs still left over, many of which are pretty classic feminine. I want to try getting some more masculine stuff and see how that feels. (if uh... if any of you have advice for going slightly more masc please let me know, this is new to me and I am confuzzled)

Living in an area where I don't see Trump 2024 signs, blue-line cop stuff, and Confederate flags every four feet would be nice too, but that's a longer-term goal.

[the-agent-of-blight]

Aromanticism in Academic Papers (day 7)

Today is the last day of ASAW 2024. It's been fun compiling all of this research for you! As ASAW ends, I thought it'd be a good time to look forward. We are part of a wider community after all, the queer community. And as a whole, the queer community is also underrepresented in relationship research.

Today's paper is: Queer Intimacies: A New Paradigm for the Study of Relationship Diversity by Phillip L. Hammack, David M. Frost, and Sam D. Hughes (2018). [stable link]

This paper puts forth 7 ways in which relationships differ from the normative path, and how these perspectives need to be included in academic research more. These assumptions and corresponding "axioms" are that:

Relationships involve 2 different cisgenders, as opposed to homosexual relationships and relationships involving trans/non-binary gender identities

That intimacy is directed solely at one gender, and that attraction does not change, as opposed to plural sexual orientations such as bi and pansexuality and changes in desires

That intimacy is between only two individuals, as opposed to polyamory

That intimacy is characterized by equality and symmetry of role and status, as opposed to consentual power asymmetry often found in kink and BDSM communities

That intimacy is characterized by romance and sex, as opposed to asexual and aromantic intimacies that do not involve romance or sex

That family structures consist of biological offspring, as opposed to chosen families

That forms of intimacy can be known and catalogued, as opposed to the fact that intimacy forms are always situated in their place in history, and that new ways of being intimate with other people are always being invented.

This paper stresses the need for research to be done into these other forms of intimacy that are not usually focused upon.

Now for today's post, I'm going to be focusing on point 5 because I can speak to it personally better. For the sake of brevity I am focusing this on aromanticism, as that is what this whole week of posts has been about. If you have the ability to read this paper though, don't neglect the other portions. they deserve better and further research too.

The authors carefully detail some of the history of asexuality research, and then present the primary holes left to fill in the research. They ask why there has been a difference found in rates of ace men and women having a romantic relationship and for analysis to look beyond the gender binary. They ask for more research on the direct experiences of aros and aces in relationships. The relational forms present in our community are unique and deserve "Legitimization through empirical documentation and systematic inquiry". The authors ask what unique forms of intimacies exist? how do individuals make meaning of these relationships in a culture that privileges sex and romance? and how do partners navigate stigma? What distinctions exist in the experience or expression of asexuality and aromanticism across diverse gender, race, class, and sexual identities?

This paper by Hammack, Frost, and Hughes gives us a charge. To go out and research this. These are only the most obvious gaps in literature from 2018, some will be closed, but that means more will have been opened. We should try and research this, or facilitate those who do. If you ever see a chance to participate in a survey on aromanticism or whatever identity you have, Take it. Even if you aren't in the position to conduct research personally, you can always take part in it. Support organizations like AUREA which provide vital resources not just to the community but to researchers! take part in the aro census ! You have the chance to help facilitate important research in something that is sorely lacking representation in academia. So please, if you have the chance, do it.

[up-in-flames-writing]

Queer masculinity in literature!

Hi, hello, my name is Booker-Garet, I am a queer masc author & I have just undertaken a very big project. In honour of the Stuff your Kindle Day that has thoroughly pissed me off in multiple ways (mostly because of my poor wifi), I am creating one big Recommendation Post collating all the queer masc books written by queer masc authors that I can find.

So, what am I looking for?

I am looking for both fiction & non-fiction books of any genre, including poetry & short stories, that are written by a queer masc person. Do not stop at written works only, I will also be creating subsections for manga, mangaka, comics, graphic novels, & any other visual literary medium that I've probably missed. Fuck it, web novels & interactive novels are welcome too!

Now, the books do not have to include romance, they do not have to be m/m or nb/m or nb/nb, but they do have to include at least one main character who is queer masc. I will be spotlighting m/m & nb/m fiction mostly, but I also want stories that do not focus on romance (for all my fellow aces & aros out there.)

These books also do not have to focus on queer masculinity (unless they are non-fiction), but I will be spotlighting books that do focus on the experiences of queer masc people primarily.

What is queer masculinity?

I define queer masculinity as any gender or sexuality that aligns with masculinity in a queer way. This includes:

Gay cismen,

Transmen (hi, that's me!),

Bisexual/pansexual/omnisexual men,

Aro & ace men (no matter what set of genders they're attracted too),

AFAB nonbinary people who align themselves with masculinity, as well as AMAB nonbinary people who align themselves with masculinity (you don't have to align yourself with masculinity exclusively, or even predominantly to be queer masc, so long as you align with it in some way),

Intersex men who view their masculinity as queer,

Butches & masculine crossdressers,

Also drag kings & queens both.

This list isn't extensive, obviously. I bet I forgot someone out there. But, the gist of it is, if your identity aligns with masculinity &/or manhood in a queer way, you're queer masc to me!

Tl;dr?

Send me any recs of queer masc books by queer masc authors right into my inbox, or on this post if you'd prefer. There is no deadline, I will be constantly updating the Recs List as I get new recs, so don't sweat it.

Also, self-promos are allowed, but please provide a link to your work if you do so. Direct any self-promos to my DMs, as I'm not sure if tumblr ever fixed the 'no links in asks' glitch.

Now, get to reccing!

[redheadbigshoes]

i honestly can’t stand people who call lesbians “exclusionists” or “gatekeepers” for not wanting to have their label redefined. they don’t even know the meaning or nuance of exclusionism when they talk about it. they think that it’s when you don’t let a person do or say whatever they want no matter the consequences, but that’s not what it means. im saying this as an ace lesbian, i know what it’s like to be targeted by actual exclusionists. saying “the way you are using our language and label is harmful, please consider these alternatives” is not being exclus. wanting to keep a definition intact, saying “words do have meaning”, is not exclus. exclusionism is kicking bi women out of queer spaces for being “half straight”, or saying bi men aren’t allowed in conversations about mlm relationships, or saying aces/aros aren’t “queer enough”, that we can blend in with the straights so we don’t count (even if we’ve suffered aphobic abuse from straight people trying to “fix” us). it’s not someone just saying that your words are harmful. defining lesbianism as a sexuality that doesn’t include men is not exclusionist for the same reason black lesbians asking that white lesbians not call themselves “studs” is not exclusionist. because it has cultural significance, it has meaning that would be erased if white people started using it. that’s not our word to use and “reclaiming” it would be racist.

this is why i don’t trust ppl who identify as “radinclus” because they don’t even know the true definition of exclusionism 99% of the time. im banning “exclus” until they can behave.

- 🍓

Me too. Exclusionist gives the idea that’s something negative, that we’re in the wrong, when we just want people not including men in our identity. That’s literally the only thing we’re here complaining and fighting about.

One thing is to exclude trans people from a whole sexuality (for example), that’s being exclusionist. Wanting people to exclude men from a sexuality that EXCLUDES them is being coherent with the meaning of the word and accepting not everyone is attracted to men. I don’t know why those same people who actively promote the erasure of our identity and the inclusion of men in lesbianism are the same ones who complain about the erasure of multisexual identities and fight about the recognition of attraction to all genders.

I think a lot of this discourse about lesbianism always comes with the fact that the word lesbian was very used to describe only attraction to women, was used as an umbrella term. So people think when we say sapphics that are attracted to men can’t be lesbians we’re invalidating their sexuality and we’re treating as if they were less queer which is not true at all. Sapphic ≠ Lesbian.

Also, you couldn’t have worded it better. Thank you for sending this.

[colorisbyshe]

man im sorry you keep getting ace discourse questions. youre too cool for this

It's fine. I know to some 14 year olds it's a very pressing that they think really matters. We're watching the rise of global fascism and the horrific effects of climate change devastating the most vulnerable people who cannot escape... but to some people, whether or not cishets can reclaim "queer" and sit at the cool kids table is the most manageable topic they can put on their plate.

Listen, to avoid future asks because I DID just get an influx of followers, I will put my thoughts out plainly:

Aphobia isn't real. It can't be.

Asexuality doesn't any shared experiences or identity to be oppressed. By that I mean, asexuals can be straight, gay, bisexual, or aroace, there is no shared gendered attraction. And "asexuality" can mean totally aroaceness, just a lack of sexual attraction, or a complete lack of sexual desire. Aces can want sex, consent to having sex they don't want, or just not want sex. Aces can even feel sexual attraction (demi, lithro, grey). When you make your identity a spectrum that includes the opposite of what your identity is... you no longer have an identity.

If you do not have an identity with a pool of shared ideology or experiences or even more abstract things like desires... there is no basis for oppression.

People DO face discrimination for not having sex and lacking sexual desire but that discrimination is more heavily tied misogyny and ableism, maybe misdirected homophobia. Most of the time, it isn't even tied to misogyny, it IS misogyny—it's just basic flavor rape culture.

On the flip side, people also face discrimination for having sex and having too much or the "wrong" sexual desire. For many marginalized groups, that means having ANY sexual (or romantic, shout out to the aros who think they're oppressed) desire at all.

So, if a celibate cisgender straight woman who feels sexual desire but just doesn't want to act on it is being harassed for turning down a man, is that aphobia? No. That's rape culture, baby.

And then there are aces and even aroaces who have sex, want sex, are kinky, and love to flaunt it. What aphobia are they facing? This means a non-ace woman is facing more "aphobic" discrimination than an actual, supposed asexual.

Aphobia is not real.

A culture made to punish and demand sexual desire IS real.

And, unfortunately, a lot of rhetoric within the ace community ends up reinforcing that rape culture, hurting their own cause. So, even if I did think a cisgender, straight person who MAYBE lacks sexual attraction and mAYBE doesn't want sex is somehow oppressed and that all cisgender, straight people who face oppression are LGBT, I wouldn't... want to associate with a group bent on regurgitating conversion therapy classics like "You can healthily have sex with people you aren't attracted to" and "You can be sexually gay but romantically straight" (Mormons fucking love that one!).

In a society where so many people ARE pressured into sex they do not want, I do not want to associate with people using the same talking points as sexual abusers, only this time they're using it to justify why cishets can still be queer or whatever.

I really, genuinely wish the best to people who are truly asexual, truly aromantic, who ARE getting shit for their lack of desires, but the communities they belong to need to be fixed before they can even call themselves LGBT alllies, let alone LGBT community members.

And I think a lot of people need to work on themselves and acknowledge that maybe a lot of rhetoric in their communities are just a way to distance themselves from theri sexual and romantic inclinations and any shame they may associate with them, rather than providing "real" identity.

Cause a "straight" man who really, really wants to fuck other men is obviously in denial. So what can we say about an ace who really wants to fuck their partner?

Entertaining this denial only hurts aces and LGBT people in the long run. And if we can't have that discussion honestly, there is no reason for me to entertain the idea of giving LGBT resources, spaces, platforms to our oppressors. Cause even if cishet aces are oppressed, even the most oppressed people on the planet, being oppressed doesn't cancel your role in LGBT oppression. Cishet women are oppressed, face systems of oppression much more closely linked to homophobia and transphobia than aphobia would be, and yet still don't belong in our community, so why would any other cishets belong?

I don't think this view is hateful. I would LOVE to dismantle the rape culture that hurts aces and non-aces alike. I would love to have fruitful dialogues about the pressure to have sex you do not want and how isolating the single life can be or whatever the fuck. A lot of these conversations have already been happening in feminist spheres but let's have another go. (Cause, if I haven't made it clear enough, "aphobic" concerns are actually just feminist concerns.) But if my views make anyone think I'm aphobic... sure. Homophobia and transphobia describe systems of oppression but if a slightly blunt pushback on a tumblr ask is aphobia, then I guess we have a new definition for the "phobic" suffix in this context. Redefining words is an ace community classic, so I'm not surprised.

Anyways, I think I've hit most major points for any newcomers. I will not be accepting new asks on this topic (even asks that agree with me or want to add more); I will just link y'all to my wishlist or to a song I want everyone to listen to.

This is my final word on the subject... unless I find a truly novel thing to say. Or I'm just in the mood to rant. But I'll be doing that on my terms, not to play a game with any new anons.

(That said, thanks anon for this ask, I'm not mad at you, lol. Just had to get this out cause I've gained a lot of followers today and can sense drama on the horizon.)

[the-delta-quadrant]

telling nonbinary, and especially abinary, people to "just make your own posts/spaces/whatever" when we dare talk about nonbinary & abinary exclusion in trans spaces is wild, because...

nonbinary people need to be included in all discussions on trans issues because we share so many experiences with binary trans men and women. abinary people need to be included because we share so many experiences with transmascs and transfems. we need to be included in trans spaces because many of us identify as trans.

but the reason we are excluded is exorsexism.

so we're forced out. we're forced to make our own posts and make our own spaces. and then what happens? we still don't get visibility. exorsexism remains unrecognised as its own specific thing. exorsexism in trans communities remains unaddressed.

it's not like we make our own posts and have binary & binary-adjacent trans people lift us up. that barely happens. it's more like we're either ignored or harassed for existing. people will seek out our spaces and our content to harass us.

many people don't really want us to have a space or a platform. they just don't want us "invading" theirs by challenging their binary worldview.

"just make your own stuff" keeps being used by queer exclusionists time and time again. it's been used against aces and aros in queer spaces. TERFs use it against trans folk. it's been used against bi+ folk too. it's literally just code for "you don't actually belong here, your issues don't matter, go do your stuff away from us so we don't have to see it", and it doesn't suddenly become okay when they do it to nonbinary & abinary people.

if you see a nonbinary or abinary person be angry at constant exclusion and exorsexism and your response is "just go make your own stuff", you've internalised queer exclusionist rhetoric.

[queer-merm]

I try not to bring up too much discourse but I will just this once:

You may have noticed that this blog went from “yeah haha I am an inclus :) I guess I just support queers haha (refuses to elaborate, refuses to specify)” to “I am explicitly inclusive of all good faith identities including but not limited to ace and aro people, but also queer people, kinky people, polyam people, and bi lesbians, lesboys, turiagirls, trans people with “contradictory” sexualities, etc”.

When I went with the former, it was really out of fear of getting hate, but also cowardice.

And when it turned out someone close to me had one of those lesser known identities, I realized it’s not enough to be vaguely inclusive.

In the face of hatred, we /have/ to take a stand. It’s not enough to not hate, we have to show support to ALL queers. In the face of discourse, in the face of gay related things we don’t understand, it can be easy to forget that the people whose identities were ducking fighting about already face hate from the cisheteropatriarchy for /being a queer. Being a faggot. Being a dyke. Being a tranny./ These people are already vulnerable, how dare we not show support to people in our own communities?

Who cares if you don’t understand everything? Who cares if I don’t understand everything? It’s not about me, it’s not about you. It’s about standing together no matter our differences.

And you know what? I think I can empathize with people who don’t get /how/ easily one can identify as a lesbian. I remember when I first started identifying as one. After years of feeling pressured of being into men, only to realize no, actually, I don’t like men, it can feel liberating, and frustrating to know that it took years to unlearn that.

Then you turn around and see people seemingly going “I don’t care about what #society thinks. I’m gonna identify like I fucking want, lulz”.

If I learned about the concept of bi lesbian right after I came out, I think I would have had the same knee jerk reaction. “It’s not fair! /I/ WORKED HARD! I had to work for my label, and these people can just choose to do it? What the fuck?”

Two things to note:

-our goal /should/ be to make it that everyone has an easier time figuring themselves out. People saying “fuck cishets, I’m queer in my own way” is a good thing! (And, I’m saying this in the most gentle, kind way, but you being upset you had to work for your labels is not other people’s problem. Sorry.)

-honestly, it’s bold to assume people didn’t think this through. Honestly, they probably had very similar self doubts and thoughts than you did. I guarantee they chose their labels after thinking about it, just like you did. One word can have multiple meanings, and that’s okay.

(Also, no, bi lesbian (because I’m gonna guess this is the current big one that people are still pissed over) isn’t inherently transphobic, it wasn’t made by and for transphobes, it’s not from last year, and no one (no one) is forcing you to ever like a man or give up on your bi idetentity. come on yall we’ve been through this)

And look if you foam at the mouth reading about bad queer identities, and you refuse to ever tolerate people who use them, fine. I’m not here to change your mind. My goal with this blog and my posts isn’t to make you happy, it’s to make queer people feel safe and included. Cis straight people already want us gone, I won’t tolerate people feeling like they are not safe with fellow queers. We /have/ to support each other no matter what.

And look I don’t get fundamentally understand everything. I don’t /get/ how one can only be one gender in one way their own lives. I don’t understand people who are comfortable using certain labels when they are non-binary. I don’t understand people who find men attractive. But I understand I don’t need to understand everything, I just understand I need to be open minded and be kind even if I don’t always “get it”.

(If you’re not queer, if you don’t like the word queer, consider that this post isn’t for and about you and not everything revolves around you :) if you’re not queer you’re not included in this post dw)